The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #661 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

Jessimae Peluso, a comedian, actress, and the host of the "Sharp Tongue" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Squarespace - start your free trial today. When you're ready to build your website go to www.squarespace.com/church for 10% off your first purchase of a domain or website.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.   
Recorded live on 02/25/2019.
  

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All right. Number two, this podcast is brought to you by Onit. Listen, it's February, what, 26, and you're still digging around. It's time for you to go to Onit.com right now and get some alpha brain, a little Shroom Tech.

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Grab your nuts. We're going in there like Jesse Smolett. We're telling them everything. It's the church of what's happening now. Speaking of Gold Duss'U's women, Jessumet Paluso's in the house. 100 positions of sex on a daily. I like it.

This is why there's one of a top-selling album. of all time, dog. It's a no fucking brainer. So good. There we go. My hair's down. Pick up the pieces and go home. Who would do that shit?

What's up, Jessumay? How are you doing? You know, man. You're so cute. I'm trying to fucking keep it together. He's on the verge of a breakdown and you're adorable. What are you going to do? You know, when I practice during the week, I show up here with this gunga wind.

I'm on the verge of. Gunga win. This is Gunga Dinnweed. This is Gunga Dinn. He defeated the fucking pilots and pirates and shit. You know, but he don't want to train during the week. He wants to smoke the store joint.

Tommy, I'm getting high. Yeah, no, you're not. Then he goes on Twitch and he embarrasses the family. Yeah, he's Twitch.

What are you doing on Twitch, Lee? I play video games and I smoke, I smoke good. We smoke the Georgia's friends weed. It's good weed. No, it's not. But I'm, dude,

it's not what I'm sorry. It is a lot. It's a lot. Joey can. The rest of the world can. No, I know he can. He's a superhero I'm a weird. I give it up to him. But what am I supposed? I can't be like this about all the time. You got to build it up.

No, you don't. You look like the personification of being high. Right. Like your whole face looks like my nightmare. And I don't mean like that as what your face is. I just mean like I know how you're feeling on the inside. No, I'm actually like two little bunk. There's a little half a fag ones too.

No, first of all, I took a way more than two. I took at least four. I got a eight year old. to go up coming here and do a bigger bong hit. No, you couldn't. When I was 10, Sabatino did bigger bonk hits and shit. A bong hit. I never said to take big bong.

He takes these little, I know girls who come in here and take bigger bongets. I never claim to have good bonk hit skills. He gives them. I don't have really good bonh skills either. Seven fucking years. Seven years doing bonged. That doesn't change my lungs.

Bongs. You got to work on the bonghats. No, you don't. You got nothing. You show up to a party. You got nothing. Somebody went beside a bonged. I did on a party.

Let me tell you something. People always talk about a roofy pills. Let me tell you something. I've seen women pass out. Off the bong hits. You give them two drinks. Let the alcohol simmer in them a little bit. Are you giving a holistic roofie?

This is a holistic roofie. This is a holistic roof. What the fuck? You let a girl get high first. Then you hit it with the bonged debt with 28%. It's over. They don't feel nothing. You got about 45 minute wind that'll give them a stab and then they start

beautiful. So you got to carry out by the legs. You got to put them up. You got two minutes and toss them. You got to put them in the hallway with a bucket because there's not going down. There was a chick that, and how I know this, like, I don't want people to think, you know, I'm a fucking animal here. That you are an animal. When I lived on Gardner Street with Gatlin and Ralphie Mae and all the people in that building, there was a girl that did eyebrows and all that shit.

Yeah. Not the best looking girl in the world, but very sweet. And she would come over to our friend's house. and we would like do it to her every Friday and Saturday. Shut up. She would do it. Like a group thing? Like if you're not,

Were you and Ralphie May on a train? Me, Ralphie, Gavin, all of us would sit around on Fridays and watch a movie before we go out to the comedy store or whatever. Yeah. And this girl would always come downstairs and say, can I get high with you guys? And it was at the same thing every fucking week for like six weeks until somebody said, no, no more.

She would have wine, red wine. And get high? Two glasses and red wine and then do a bunch. Oh, no. Catatonic. And she was a type of broad that if she was a nine, somebody would probably give her a stabbing. But she was like a three and a half,

where we were going to do with her? Yeah, like people are like, what are we going to do with her? She was a little chunky. And they used to just pick her up and put her in the hallway. She lived upstairs. It was crazy. This poor girl. And every Friday, she was very sweet.

She'd do your eyebrows for free and shit. Did you get your eyebrows down? No, she would trim them. Oh, that's nice. Look at this bush. Yeah, yeah. Those things are intense. This is a fucking nightmare.

Yeah. It keeps your face warm. And ever since I've been fucking 50, like... They grow out. I'm losing the hair over here. So what I'm going to do is let my eyebrow hair grow out. And I'm going to cover it all up. Yeah, cover all that shit up.

I'm going to make a new head do. You should. I'm going to go down a hero. The browback. It's going to be called like the browback Danish. What do they call the other head do? They come over. You're going to come over with your brow.

I'm going to come over my eyebrows. Yeah. This times my wife cuts them before I leave. Yeah. I'll sit in the toilet with lights and cameras and fucking flashlights. She'll trim them. And then you're going to go to, hotel you check in you go to the bathroom to pee and what do you see when you wash your

face that one one tenicle one that's great and it's fucking an inch long and now i got to get a cissoring cut it and i call my wife i call her every name you missed you missed you missed one oh yeah i got hand nose shoot she'll fucking shave my nose and two days later there's another afro in my nose something happens you get older like you just it don't stop and when i was doing coke i had no hair in my nose like the coke just burned it just shot it out and shot to the back of your neck I had like a Brazilian wax of my nose for three years like no hair grew out your silia was all high now I can feel the hair is like growing tickling the tip of my nose I know you get ones on the edge of your nose oh my god it's a fucking nightmare it's like you turn

into a creature you guys aren't Jewish what do you tell I'm the one who has to shave my back my ears why do you why do you have to shave your back because it how bad is it's a sweater is it Oh, yeah. Well, maybe you should move to a colder climate and make it be useful. Oh, my God. It is useful. For what? Cleaning off the dirt off the bottom of shoes?

Did you just recently shave it? Oh, I have two man groomers. You have two man-man-man-scapers? In case one of them breaks, yeah. Oh, I'm picturing people. You mean a device? Yeah, it's like a back scratcher, but it has a stick and everything. You do that by yourself.

That's a saddest thing I've ever heard of Lee. You need to go have a lady do that for you. When I had a girlfriend, she didn't like me to shave it because she said it would get pregnant when it came back. Yeah, it comes back prickly and it feels offensive. But you need to have like a lady take care. I don't mean like a girlfriend. I mean, go to like a lady.

And have it like wax. I just can't picture you wax. Like you're shaving your back yourself. What are you doing? Oh, yeah. What am I? How am I? You can't ask someone.

You need to go to an appointment. You can't ask someone on Tinder to do that? He's going to be the wolf man. 10 fucking years. What do you mean 10 years already? He's got the hummus neck already. The hummus neck is. You missed the hummus neck with that hair?

I mean, Lee. Now he gets all that hair. So in between the back with the cortisol that gets released from his neck The cortisol? It smells like a fucking pussy, right? Between his neck there. Like when a pussy gets sweaty, it has that onion little mist to it. An onion mist.

They're at Coachella this year. First of all, my neck smells great. My neck smells like. How can you know? Because how do you smell your neck? We had a fly that used to come in here and would be around his neck. We even have it documented on podcasts. Like six or seven podcasts.

Actually, we would talk about a fucking fly being in the office. I remember a fly being in an office. And you always be in that corner by him. Because it was warm. And I had to talk to them, man to men, you've got to start washing your neck. No, and so this is why I'm sure that I have a lufa, mind you. Okay. And it's the red one.

And what's the old spice or something? Yeah. That's what I use because. Because I'm just sure. I need to be sure. Takes off that hummus neck smell. I know I don't have hummus neck. Hummus comes out of your neck.

Listen. That's science. I went to Vegas. That's science. I went to Vegas and I want to, I want to thank the, the people who came out to the Vegas show and also the people who came out to the Tucson show at the Fox Theater. You guys were fucking

phenomenal audiences. I went to those places and then Sunday I was too tired to work out because it was three planes in one day. You're looking fabulous by the way. I basically took three days off. So today I went to kickboxing this morning. I smelled that shirt. It smelled like turkey. Did you have on Lee's shirt? Was it with you? No, I have my shirt. My own shirt. Yeah. You know how you smelled. When I took the shirt

off in the back room to put the other shirt before I left the gym because you don't want to I keep put that shit in your car. I like, I like your style. That my lukia smell. Yep. I fucking smelled that shirt later on. I remember smelling odors around me today.

It's not like turkey and fucking salt. Yeah. And pills and God knows. I didn't need no edibles and nothing. I didn't do nothing like that. I didn't do nothing. I took an anxiety pill Saturday night because I'm with some coffee. But just those three days without sweating.

Yeah. You could smell what comes out of. Yeah. This guy goes weeks without sweating. No, no, the weeks. You can't sleep. You got to sweat at other places. In the summer.

He said two podcasts ago that I've been going to that workout thing. So, yeah, no, he, for the last three months. But before that, he wouldn't sweat. And he would come in here and it would be hot in the summer, and the door would be open. And then you'd sweat a little bit. I'm always sweating. Come out. And then the fly would start coming in here.

I remember there being flies. He found like a scorpion in the corn. Like, he attracted everything. A scorpion. He found something in the corn. What did you find? If I found a scorpion, it was a bee came in once. Something, yeah.

A scorpion. If I found a scorpion and I'd never come here again. And the bee went to sting him. left because of the hummus snack. Hummus is a natural B deterrent. I wish that was true. I would flatter myself from you, hummus. What else is going on in your world? How is NACA?

For people don't know. NACA is where you go to showcase so colleges will hire you for big money. They used to give you a rental car. Yeah. When I first moved here in 97, if you were doing colleges, it was like you were making $3,500 a night a fucking car, a rental car,

because you had to drive an hour. they gave you money for a rental car. Yeah, see, now you've got to get your own cars. Okay, yeah. In the old days, you've got a car, Jack. Yeah, they don't do that. Now, now you've got to do it yourself. But, you know, I went a day early just to kind of check it out, you know,

just to see what the process was. Because it is, it's a bunch of college students, and everyone's got the right to be offended now. And I was like, I'm just going to go do my thing, you know? I don't know how else to do it. I'm just going to do what I do instead of trying to, like, manipulate my set to fit some mold that I'm not even sure if it would work in the first place. And I had to host the night, Joe.

I had to host it. I had to host the whole thing. I had to bring up magicians. I had to bring up a fucking medium. Lady out there like a T, a B, a J, a K, I had to bring. How does that work? How does that go over with a big crowd? She guessed a lot of stuff.

Her and her husband. They were guessing stuff that was right. They were guessing names and all sorts of information. from people. I don't know how the hell they were doing it, but I had to bring up a magician. I had to bring up a medium. I had to bring up a musician, like two comics. And so honestly, my set like just, I felt like I ate a bag of dicks. I feel like everyone I know it's done NACA feels like they've eaten a bag of dicks. You know what I mean? Like the college shows, it's just, but afterwards, so I'm, I'm performing. I'm like, all right, this is not going the way I want it to go. I'm just going to get through it. Have as much fun. as I can. I ended on a fucking twerk contest between a, like, a college administrator and a couple other students. I had them up on stage. I was like, I'm just going to have some fun and go crazy with these kids. They went nuts because of that because there was like an administrator up on stage Dennis doing twerking. It's like middle-aged dude twerking. And then I go to the booth and I'm walking

over with Christian from CIA. I'm like, I don't know how that went. He's like, that was great. And I'm like, I don't know, bro. Like, I appreciate it. But as a comedian on the inside, I'm dying a slow death still and I'm off stage. Now is it still, you go to, there's boots? Yeah, so we go to the booth and we couldn't keep up with the people who came to the booth. We were so packed with people coming to meet me and talk to me and I thought I ate such a large dick. So you got a couple of colleges?

Yeah, like a whole bunch. God bless you. That's what I was saying. Like, but I thought I did. That's why your reaction. Well, that's, I'll tell you, if I, I still remember doing this fucking. in room I used to do for money. And I've told Lee about it in the audience

and the podcast. And those are the worst nights of my life as a comedian. Like I was going through something that was really bad at that time. I was going through the ugly divorce. And I would do comedy to take my mind off the divorce. I focused on comedy to take my mind off the anger

and the frustration. And have some place to put it. But there was one night a week where I would have to go do comedy at a place. And the beginning was fun. But then towards the middle, it paid my rent. It contributed to my cocaine habit. They put gas in my car. The guy took care of me and he fed me.

Every time I'd sit there, my heart would be breaking inside. And when I moved from Denver, one of the happiest things I had was that I knew I never had to go back there again. And it was the Elvis impersonator from Vegas. That was just fat and old and ugly. And he would make great pasta, but then he would be in Elvis Impersonningtony in his own restaurant.

But he liked me, and he would give me and another guy work every Wednesday. Oh, my God. And we would have to do sets in between the Elvis impersonator. And from time to time, one of his friends from Vegas would drop in. And, you know, with a bunch of fake credits,

and the guy was horrible, and he would sing like a song, like, I'm going to do a Frankie Valley duet here. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. And my heart would break, guys. I ain't got nothing against Frankie Valley. I ain't got nothing against Elvis.

The Elvis impersonator is like clowns. with some people. They just don't like them. I was insteadic, because I couldn't believe that at that age, like it's like me right now, at 56, if I said, fuck comedy. And with this fucking disgusting body, I'm gonna go be Elvis impersonating.

And wrote pop chops and then open up my own restaurant and sing during the shows. Oh, man. He sounded nothing like Elvis. I'm sure. I'm sure he sounded like, I imagine a goat in pain. And when he would try to do Elvis, it was even worse.

Oh, guys, it was painful. Painful inside. And it was like a small 75, maybe a small 50. I don't remember what it was. Maybe a small 100. And sometimes you got tips from the people. You know, it was just heartbreaking to do. But I had to do it because it was part of my number for the week.

It was part of that goal. And Denver had slim pickings, you know. But there's been situations where you go, bro, what about penguins? Penguins and Ireland. They booked me for a weekend and then they call me. They go, we got a special night on Wednesday as we do. Penguin. It pays like a G-note, LaRue or something.

I'm like a G-note. Let's talk about this. Yeah, especially mid-week. So I thought it was at the club. It was like you had to land at the airport and then take a puddle jumper. Oh, damn. You must have loved that. Thank God I had friends that picked me up and gave me a 40-mile ride.

It was a bowling alley. That's like a Bill Hicks style. It was a bull-d alley. It was a fucking ball now. And would you perform on the line? lanes no you where would you be like back of the bowling alley while people were bowing whoa could you hear like them hitting balls and strikes yeah and the owner like the owner like guitar acts so the head the emcee and the feature of guitar

acts and the headliner was oh man music should always end it you want to talk about slow debt at a bow and i remember the owner going i love you man when can you come back i'm looking them straight in you're like never you're gonna have to resurrect me from the dead Come on, man, bring Joe Rogan with you. Listen, if I brought Joe Rogan with me, he would shoot this. How long ago was this? This had to be 2005. Wow.

2005. That's not that long ago. That was 13 years ago. I can't believe 2005 was 13 years ago. What the fuck? 14 years ago, let's be honest. No, this had to be June of 2005. The longest yard came out in May of 2005.

That whole summer. I did a tour, like a deep, deep. I got an agent. In fact, it was Mike Berkowitz, who's that? What? Yeah. They had an agency in Burbank and Bill Burbank and Bill Burr got me with him because I said, Bill, I got this movie coming out, made me a little opportunity to get me into a couple clubs.

So Bill called them, they called me and they booked me straight all summer. Did they? And it was just a Coke festival. Oh, man. It was just me going out then. Would you just wake up and do blow? No, I would wait till nighttime like a normal. Really?

Like a normal savage? I would have a regular life in the day. Daytime. Yeah? Towards the end, yeah. I wasn't the feeling. But would you sleep if you're doing Coke at night? Does that mess up with you?

Did you ever sleep? I would go home in the afternoon and take a little nap and lie to people. Tell him I go home to write. I would stay up to about four or five snorting. I'd sleep from five to about 8.30. Get up. Eat breakfast. Go do my errands.

We were saying this before. Like you, and you were saying you were happy like you're still alive. How are you still alive after you've lived such a hard life? It wasn't a hard life, though. But I mean, not sleeping and doing blow? You'd sleep three, four hours? That's not a.

That's not enough, Joe. Sleep, three, four, and you catch two in the afternoon. You're 30 years old. You're built like an iron. When you're 30 years old. Well, I just, I started napping in 1995. That's when I was introduced to the nap. I was already 32 fucking years old.

I dated a stripper that worked till 5 in the morning. So she wanted to stab it in the afternoon and I had to take a nap on her. So she made me nap. I started napping in 95. Yeah, my mom didn't let me nap. We came from Cuba. My dad died. So she was on the run, there was no sleeper for me.

That is so funny. I stopped laughing when I was three. You smell that fart yet. Who farted? It's tremendous. Oh, my God. No look at me. It's him.

It's your neck. Then he takes his face out and pops his breath right into it. I can't smell nothing. It's tremendous. So that was, you had a good experience then. Yeah. Before the show you, like, I don't know. So how many cards did you think you got?

I don't know. I mean, we got like probably about. 45 emails. Thank God. God bless you, Jessica. I mean, who knows how that's going to turn out? Because it's still another process. But it was a learning, it was definitely a learning process.

And I had messaged one of my comedian friends, Jamie Lee, who was in the NACA episode of crashing, you know, Pete Holmes show. Yes. And I watched that the night before just to see what their take of it was. And it was, I texted Jamie. I'm like, yep, I'm at NACA and I'm going through the episode right now. Isn't that the one when she yells on them? Yeah. She wanted to do what she wanted to do.

Yeah. And she does like, you know, she does rape jokes. I told her not to do rape jokes. And she's... Is she really a comic? Yeah, Jamie Lee, yeah. Her character name in that episode is Allie. But yeah, I mean, her character in that show is Ali.

She's really good in the show. She's so natural. She's beautiful. She's so... I just saw her the other day. I'm like, your acting is so... It's so hard to give motherfuckers compliments. Like, I don't know about you, but like I went together.

I was like, your acting is so good. And she's like, you know, typical comedian just doesn't want to, like, accept that love. We don't want it. No, we don't want it. It's like... We act. I don't know nothing. Yeah.

I don't want to accept that you're actually, what you're doing is good. How happy do you get when you see one of your friends on TV? It's the greatest. And they kick it out of the park and you're like, God, damn. It's the greatest thing in the world to see that. It really is. Just to see people you've grown up in the industry with doing stuff and not, you know, being stuck working at some nine to five with a boss, you know, yelling into their hummus neck.

It's so weird to make the jump. Once you get the smell of blood, once you get the taste of blood, you're like a shark. You're like, okay, I want more. Yep. You know, and now this is what I have to do because everybody thinks, oh, I want to have an agent.

That's great. You still got ours. You still got to go, get breakdowns. You still got to go. You do people. You do everything. You have to do it. And just, yeah, it's that thing

where there's some other comics that are like, oh, I just need an agent. I just need a manager. And then what? You think anything changes when you, nothing changes. Nothing changes when you get an agent or manager. You have to be the one.

You have to be the one that's hungry and hustling and emailing and delegating and saying, I want to do this, make this happen. This is my next thing. Put me in the room with this person. Like you, that's why so many of us go nuts because it's like so much to consider. But you have to be the, you have to be the core of the hustle.

From 2000, maybe 99 to 2003. Jimmy Schubert would get breakdown. Yeah. And then he would email them to me. And then I would email him to Josh Wolf. I love Joshua so much And you got breakdowns every day Yeah

Okay So that was the first thing I did in the morning I would wake up from one of those cocazes I drink some orange juice At two me No Did you get up at eight? Did you?

Yeah That's early for a comedian I get the breakdowns at six That's early for a comedian I had to have to break down Some of my manager by the time He got in the office Wow

Whatever I thought I was good for I had to have into my agent On my own Yep So I would sit there with glasses This is when the breakdowns Were 140 pages when you sit there for fucking an hour

and just with a piece of paper and a pen casting director the name of the project the project you want to go in for and then after you write all that down you got a fucking email your manager submit me for this submit me for that I'm going to call this shit Jewel Larry Johnson booked me from YPee Blue

I'll call her office and now you set the strategy in the office that was the first day never mind stand up yeah like never mind I know. That's a side from stand-up. That was a side from stand-up. That's something totally different. Completely different.

It's such a different muscle. So it was two hours a day just focusing on acting. Yeah. And then shit I would see, submissions. Like if there was something around the corner from me, like if it was something at Paramount when I lived in Hollywood, I'd live before 9-11, you could walk in the lot. Yeah.

I would just go and drop it personally at the fucking office. Hi, how you doing today? I want to drop this off or the show with, uh, that's how I got the show. What's her name? What's the fucking dude? Ben Affleck. What's his wife's name? Jennifer Lawrence. Garner. Jennifer Gardner had a show before, a TV show, which she was a tough chick.

Oh, yeah. Allius? Yeah, Aalias. I got on Alias. I walked on the lot and brought a headshot. And the assistant saw me and said, you'd be great for a bounce. That's wild. And she called the cast and director call me direct from the headshot. That was part of the hustle. That was your morning hustle. That was your hustle for 12. Then you went and met the boys and ate lunch. And you picked up some shit. Then you'd have an audition. and you bump into somebody and they go, did they call you into this? You're going to get called in for that.

They're looking for girls just like you. Now you have to fucking audition calling your manager. Yo, I just bumped into a girl that said they're looking for a blonde for the Pacino movie. Oh, that's that movie silence. Yeah, I already pitched you already. All right. You get the ball rolling.

They're on top of things. You know, it just doesn't come to your fucking door. It doesn't. And now after all that, then after all that, then after all that you go home and you shit for a half hour, write some comedy. Then the store calls you and says you got two spots. And then Felipe Spaza, April, what are you doing?

There's a gig tonight, bro. 10 o'clock. It pays $40 in a burrito. You know? I'll take the burrito. And you got 1115 at the store. Yep. You got 1115 at the store.

You know the store was going to be running late. So you had to make it all the way down, Orange County, all the way back to the store, by 11, fucking 15. Same amount of traffic, even more on sunset. That's when it's like. That's when sunset really had a lot of traffic. That's when they're moving. Yeah, they're going from place to place.

Yep. They're going to their second location. You know, it was like you would get home at one in the morning and guess what? At 7 o'clock, your phone would start, right? Joey, grab a pen. Tomorrow, 1115. Sunshine Studios, you're auditioning for the part of Luke. The sides are on.

So you had to go on a website, pay for a fucking the three pages, a dollar a sheet. You had to pay for the sheet. A dollar a sheet. That's wild. And then 10 cents to print. Email it. Oh, no, no, no. It never ended.

It never ended. I still remember getting side cents sent to the store. I just sent them to the store because I'll pick them up to me. It's my easiest bet. It's a best bet. I'm already out. Yep.

I'm already out. It's 8.30. It's an extra stop. Not in this town. You cannot add an extra stop. That's four hours, round trip anywhere in this town, especially midday.

But I had a lot of friends who work NACA and they were making money, but the thing with NAC is what happens and eventually you lose your mind. Yeah. It's two years of doing material to appease them. Right. And dumbing down what you want to do.

Yeah. But you have a wife and a kid, so now you're blowing up inside. Now you're going on those knacket trips and you're snorting and eating pills and doing everything you fucking can because you can't say, fuck that fucking lizard on stage. Fuck that fucking lizard. Yeah, you can't say that. You got to admit that from your joke.

I still am edgy, but I definitely, I mean, what happened to Nemesh? He was there. Nemesh told the story about what happened when he got pulled off the stage when he was performing at college. Remember that? What did he say? The joke was. somewhere along the lines of he would pass by this black gay guy where he lived.

I'm probably butchering like the setup, but basically there was this black gay guy whose path he would cross regularly and they got him thinking about, you know, the origins of being gay and like how nobody would choose that, you know, especially if you're black, you wouldn't also want to be gay. The joke was how like, you know, being black is enough. why would you also want to be a homosexual? It was basically the brunt of the joke

and that's what got him pulled off stage. I think they just boomed. No, he got, I think someone came up and actually cut off, they cut off his microphone. And he told that story at NACA. I thought that was kind of interesting that he, you know, had so much press about that and had the balls at the NACA conference

to talk about it and to tell the joke again. And like there was a couple comedians on the side and this was the day, you know, before my conference. I just was like, that's, that's pretty baller. That's pretty badass to tell. He's like, and I'm going to tell a joke again. And he got the same reaction that he said he got before. Complete silence. But we were laughing because the way he told it and how he said it, I thought it was a very

intelligent look at what's going on in society. But if you can't see beyond your own offense in front of your eyes, to what the end goal of that joke is and you're of course you're going to be fucking offended you don't get it you don't get what the fuck he's trying to say how old are you not jessima 36 do you remember getting offended on 18 no i wasn't you know the things i i got humbled early in life not a lot of stuff a lot of shit rolls off my back my mom always called me her california baby i'm very like laid back and then you know things happen to me in my life where i just i don't get offended offended offensive offense is inaction it doesn't take anything to be offended you know it's not it's not

effective in change you know what i mean it's just it's just a stagnant thing or you're offended now what what because if you're just going to be offended shut the fuck up but if you're going to be offended and then maybe have that drive you to do something okay we can have a conversation then but if you're just going to sit on your computer and troll motherfuckers on the on the internet i got i got some to tell you there's nothing going on for you i don't remember being the only thing that's always still stuck with me because i'm such a prude deep deep deep down inside are you yeah very much so wow i think so your religious background yeah yeah i think that it and i i had to challenge it yeah like if i was supposed to be raised how I would listen to them I'm not supposed to like gay people because of my

religious beliefs and my Cuban beliefs right I didn't believe like that right that wasn't mine that's stupid because you were taught that my mother's side was like no they're men they're human beings the other side of the Cuban machismo right machine very cultural is very no no know we don't speak about it we don't talk about it yeah i chose not to even go that way but the only thing that bothers me don't me tell what really bothers me yeah condom commercials on tv period commercials yeah period commercials and bothered me since i was a child since i was a child that's the only thing that's really what bothers you about it like when you say it bothers you especially if there's a woman in the room what what bothers you about it like like what do you feel like

Like what? I feel that. Like, is it unnecessary? If I'm alone, if I'm alone, you switch to commercial. Right. But if there's a woman in the room and I'm not having sex with her, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Like, what kind of period commercial? Like, like, tampon commercials?

Yeah, like a tampon commercial. It drives you, it makes you uncomfortable. If I come over to your house and your boyfriend invites me off of football. Yeah. And we're eating chips and we're smoking dope. When the tampon commercial come on. You won't hear a peep out of me because I'm inside boiling. I'm just boiling inside.

And also, do we need tampon commercials? Like at this point, do we, why? It's a football game. Why is that fucking, unless somebody got kicked in the twat, why am I seen, you know? But also, don't we, like, do we need toilet paper commercials? We got it. Don't we got it? Don't we have it by now.

Like, we understand what toilet paper we like. That don't bother. People got to wipe their ass. So what it, what, you don't like that it bleeds or what? I just feel. I don't like that it bleeds. I don't like that I have a woman in the room. and I got to know her secrets

So yeah you're so okay Can I ask a question She knows that you know I don't want her to know that I fucking know Okay so if when you like your wife Or you're in a relationship Do you not want to know Do you not like want her to talk about her period with you?

I'm just asking Not at all Okay I don't want to know nothing And what about do you Does it annoy you if a girl You're in a relationship with your wife If they fart in front of you

No That doesn't bother you No I love that's a paradox to me Do you think that's a pair That's weird that one thing to me those things are mutually exclusive the period thing doesn't bother me

the period thing to me is like you know when you're driving and you see a stop sign yeah that's what I see just blood red yeah mine's more like A1 steak sauce that's what I think of yeah you're welcome that's why I don't like touching it looking at it I don't know I don't like it I don't want to fuck it yeah that brown shit

what your neck smells like when you shoot somebody in the head when you shoot somebody in the head they get that brown blood or you stab them that brown blood that's what it is it's dark blood that's oxygenated once I see see that shit, I go down like a bag of potatoes. That's so interesting that the period. But you'll eat asshole. Right.

You'll eat ass, but not. As long as there's no blood around it. Wow. That's interesting. Now, if I dick you in the ass and blood comes out, fuck it. Let's do it. It's a part. It's my blood. Oh, man. No, no. Joey D. No, I don't want to see no blood down there. But you don't mind fart. See, I,

that's interesting. You know how many times I've had sex with a woman and she said that we're all coked up or something. And she said to me, I'm at my end of my period. And you're like, And I put in the dick in there with a condom in the early 80s, like in the 80s. And I've gone to the bathroom and I've taken my condom off and there's little blood on my condom. You have no idea. Like, I want to go out there and stab her.

If I go pee and blood comes out of my pee because my suction of my pee after I nutted. Yeah, but the shit is okay. Shit is okay coming out. No. But I've never put my dick in a woman's ass and shit came out. Bloods never came out. Huh? Bloods never come out.

If you did, if you did, you know, bone a girl in a girl. her butt and then there was some shit on your dick you'd be cool with that you wouldn't have the same visceral reaction I would go wash it off that's so strange disgustingly I wouldn't embarrass a woman and tell her you got shit in your ass jeffered she bled on your dick would you freak out on it I wouldn't say would you like you demon you wish I thought age I wasn't in business

to embarrass a woman I didn't really want to embarrass women like why don't you fucking tell me that you were bleeding from you right I mean no guy wants to hear it put in that context number one I asked you Like, if you said to me I'm on day two of my period, you're sucking dick. And I'll suck the titties. Like, I'm never getting coaxed up. Duly noted.

Yeah. Just know that around for the back. The first, second, third, fourth, fifth day. Those are the dangerous days. There's five days after that where there's no blood, but I can smell the calcium in your and your pussy. Oh, yeah. It's all metallic. It smells like gunpowderish.

It smells like napal. So for two or three days, it smells like gunpowder down there. Yeah. It's apocalypse now. Whatever the fuck comes out of it. A pussy lips now. And then it's fresh again. But I know,

and people, I know this is offensive language of some people. We're just talking to the truth. No, it's, if you want to show up about the truth, this is the truth.

Yeah. You know, so for me, there's a lot of men, including Lee, that I've spoken with that appreciate a vagina when a woman's bleeding.

They said they think the sex is better. Women are wool. I didn't say that. I said, I don't care. He doesn't care. Because a lot of girls get hornyer on their period.

On that period. And I was like it's, Yeah, there's like days before and then, you know, right around there. I mean, if it's really bloody, that's kind of, I'll just take a shower. I always take a shower after. Except for your neck. Yeah, I have a plastic wrapper on my neck to keep the smelling. But it's, I don't, I really don't care.

I use a condom, maybe it was like, I don't go like when it's super, but like later. I don't like, don't touch me. I'm like, don't touch me. It's my period. My mother put a thing when I was a kid. I would clean the bar, and I fucking stuck my hand in the tin where they put the periods. In the 70s, you would have a tin next to your toilet in the bathroom.

Yeah, we still have those. And you put your period in there. My mother told me there was a treasure in there one day. I stuck in my hand there. I came out with a cortex. It wasn't like a softball. In the 70s, co-texes were thick. So when you pulled them out, it was like having a softball in your fucking hand.

The chick was as big as you. You had a towel on your pull. It's like I shot you in the pussy. There was so much cortex. So that jizzled me right there. I fainted that day. Chiseled! That jizzled me right there.

Is that a combination of chiseled and gist? Like it just shattered my central nervous system. It takes a lot to shatter kids' central nervous system. That's after my father died. Like, you know, I was okay. I was just getting better. And I put my hand in that fucking box, and I pulled that period out with that cortex.

And I just sat there, like, how bad is this? Because I put two and two together. I'm crying. My mother had that shock. Oh, my God. Now, I did not know this until now, until today. I did not know this. My mother had that shock that women get when you put shit in their pussy.

Toxic shock syndrome. Yeah, so my mother used to use, she was so Cuban and so country, that my mom had a roll of cotton in the bathroom. Wow. And she would just rip cotton off and double it up and put it in a snatch. When I was a kid, I saw more cotton. I don't even like to taste of cotton. Like, the only thing I wear is white t-shirts,

and I still get the monolucs from, like, Like Q-tips, I got to wet them before I put them in my ear. Why? Because I don't like the touch of cotton. The touch the feel of cotton is the fabric of his life. I don't like it. I would have made a bad slave. I don't touch cotton.

It is a weird. I would have been shot the first day. Doug, I don't, you took me out of Africa to pick cotton. Listen, I'd rather touch dynamite. I don't like cotton. I'll build a wall. I'll do anything. I'll fucking cook Chinese food.

I don't like the touch of cotton ever. I wet. Q-tips before I put them in my ear. That's how much I hate. How do you keep track of all these rules? Because I don't like fucking cotton. I never like cotton. Oh, so now my mother dies.

My mother dies. That's it kryptonite. My mother dies. I'm 16. And I'm a week into morning. My mother's probably dead two weeks, 10 days. And I get a call from a girl

that me and her had fooled around before. No sex. A little swappy spitty. Fing her. Swapty. Whoa. Swap and spit. Yeah.

You know, making out the pool, shit like that. Looking sucking, no fucking. No fucking. No, no. She wouldn't even suck. I wouldn't even ask her. Prood. At that age, I would not ask a woman to even consider sucking my dick.

Because you're gentle. At 13, 14, 15, if you suck my dick, you got cut off. That's how much of a Catholic poo that one. Wow. So I called, she called me up and she goes, how you doing? I heard about your mother. I go good. And she goes, you mind if you, are you in the mood?

I was like, yeah. Like, we hadn't been together. probably two years. We started more like 14 and we messed around for about three months and then we broke up because we both, she went to a different, she went to Franklin and I went to McKinley. I didn't really see her that much anymore. And after my mother died, she reached out and called me and said, do you want to see me tonight? Yeah, it was cold as shit. My mother died November 8, so give it 10 days after that. It was freezing on the East Coast. She lived on 44th Street and I lived on 38th Street. I had to walk six blocks

to 44th Street and get it. I mean, it's worth it for the pee. And then I had to walk all the way back to my house. We got upstairs. We got a couple of those fucking wine coolers. We go upstairs. Zerrida is staying with me. Zerrida, don't give a fuck.

After my mother died, she would just drink all day. And back, cooked me dinner and then pass out of late the pain. She would just go on my mother's bedroom and go to sleep. Is that your sister? She was my mother's best friend. Oh. So I remember walking up. the stairs bringing her in the room we made out a little bit i put earthwinded fire on you know i had some

game earthwind and fire you're romantic at heart aren't you at that at that age i was still a sucker not you just smashing no after a while you like you seem like you have a romantic no i like the holding hands i don't like the roses on the bed i'm not the type i don't want to take a tub with you i got that much time i'll swap a little straight with you i'll finger you bang you'd be snuggling in a tub and then we go our own way that goes people you see in the tub for two hours holding on to each other That's not me. Yeah, that's never been me. It's a lot.

I would be uncomfortable for longer than 10. My mother dies. I'm a little horny. At the time, I had sex, but not really. And here was my happen to him. This girl was putting on a silver platter. Yeah. And we started swapping.

I took the shoes off. I took each leg off the pants. And then we had panties. I got on top, but we dry humped a little bit. And then I pulled back. And I'm about to take my shoes off. pants off and I start to she goes you take my panties over or what I'm about to take a panties off and I just look down and she's got this fucking pad in between the legs and when

I pulled out the underwear you ever go to the joker house you know the house of love you ever go to the house of love in a roller coaster you know what the house yeah yeah yeah yeah it goes and there's always a guy at the end that goes blah yeah and his tongue is real long Yep. When she, the cortex popped out of the underwear, like a joker tongue. And it was filled with blood. Oh, my. And I held her legs, and I popped up like it was like a fucking, like it had a disease.

I go, do you have your period? And she goes, yeah, but it's only day one or day two. I go, you got to put those panties back on. And she goes, why? Because I can't see blood. It was a disturbing night to me, dog. I was pissed off. Was that the first time you ever seen blood in that?

That was the first time I saw. Contacts? In that context? In that context. She was on her period and I said, you got to put your pants back. I don't want to say her name because she's passed and I loved this. She was a great friend. She was a good friend to me after my mom died.

I put her panties back and her jeans and then we talked a little bit and she asked me why didn't I like it. I told I just don't like blood. I don't go with needles or nothing. She goes, oh, that sounds sweet. I'm not going needles either. And then we walked home and on the way home I was pissed off because my dick was blue. Yeah, your balls are.

Yeah, my balls are blue. Your dick was mad at you. I still remember that. That's weird. That is strange. That's a ride of that. I still remember one night I came home and I was balls tripping on acid. When I tell you... How far after your mother's death was it? This was two weeks after my mom died.

About 10 days after my mom died, I started experiencing... I started experimenting with the acid. It was working. It was the one thing that made me face it. It made you face it. It made me face it. Through the trip? Through the trip. And then immediately a Pink Floyd put a song on in the war called Mother.

And then fucking Ozzie came out with a solo album. Mother, please forgive them. They know not what they do. So I would put those albums on. And trip out. And do the acid and trip out and then just try to put what happened together. How much acid would you do in one sitting? Like back then?

Back then. You're at 14, you said you were? 14 you said you were? I was 16. And what, and was it like a... I was doing it for about a year now. The kids I hung out with, would do a hit on Fridays, maybe a hit, it was mesculent in those days.

Right. There was a little dot, a little dot, dot dot dot dot. You just put it right on your tongue? You put it around on your tongue. Let it dissolve. 45 to an hour you're going. And how long was that high for you? How long was that trip?

10 hours. Wow. And are there peaks and valleys in that trip? Yes. And are they high highs and low lows? High highs, low lows, where you're like, come on, Lee, let's go eat. Yeah, the acid's going away. And then we'd stop and we'd let.

Let's smoke and join. And you'd smoke, and as you walked into the diner in the hot air, hit you, you were back. Wow. Now you would hear the fucking eggs fry in it, baking, and you would hear every fork. Wow. And you're like, I don't think I'm hungry anymore. Cancel our order. And we'd walk out of there.

And then we'd walk again for another two miles, you know. And then we'd sit somewhere. I just remember going to a cemetery and sitting in a cemetery. We would push ourselves to each other to get into bad situations on those trips. But I only knew one guy who really had a bad trip. His name was Joe Luch. What was a bad trip? He put his arm through the fucking Board of Education window.

Wow. When it cut his veins and his arm and the other people he were tripping. And they didn't know how to react. Imagine if all us are here tripping our balls. someone goes off. I mean, leave, forget about Lisa and not a space. I'm talking about where we just give you two hits of acid and we're smoking pot with a little bit of beer.

And you're just, that flag is melting. Her face is melting. Her hair's turning different colors. These lights are turning in different colors. You go into a vortex for a little while. You go into a giggle vortex where you start giggling at 10 o'clock and it's 1140 and you're still giggled. Really?

About a fart or about something. Really? You laugh that long? I've never done acid. For an hour. You're just laughing, laugh and laughing. And then you're like, oh, okay, thank God that was gone. And let's go to your house.

And who's at your house? My grandma, and she's sleeping. Let's go over there. But also that night, that's the night the grandma decides she's got insomnia. So when we walk in your house, the acid hits her. And she starts talking to us about 1960 and about Sinatra. And now you're tripping your balls off. Now you've got another hour dealing with that.

that then you get out of there and it would have peaks and valleys like you go oh god that's all it sounds like a nightmare it was but when you're with your friends you got no curfew new york city was wide open yeah woods by our house is wide open we traveled in packs of six yeah you know i'm saying with two chicks and nobody was fucking the two chicks they were our gubas you know and they wanted to do acid with us and go behind like we'd do asses and go into the woods And look at the mood. And then, you know, we had a black friend. He was Dominican.

We had a black friend. He was Dominican. But we called him Louis or whatever. Yeah. But he was really Dominican. And we'd get me going to get another piece of an orange. And we'd get a fucked up. Oh, yeah.

You want some? Yeah, that's tremendous. Isn't it good? It's a sumo. Enjoy yourself. It's vitamin C. Yeah, it's really good for you. You want some more than?

Let me tell you how hard we would trip at that age. We would blow pot smoke into his afro. And sit there. And if you blow it. pot smoke into an afro about three minutes later the smoke rises out by itself and we'd be tripping our ass so we'd be going look at it look at it look at it look at it look at the eye look at the stuff look at that it turned into snow and all different colors and they would always start with streaks like we'd be walking the street and a car will go past you yeah and you just go oh my god

because the lights the car would stop and is there always peaks in valleys or is there sometimes just all peaks and sometimes all valleys. Sometimes it's a peak and it's like a fucking two-hour peak and then it goes, it just depends on the dosages. Where you're at, I'm sure. And I've always, I've got to tell you something, the last 20 years I've become a pussy. Like I didn't do it and then we did the acid podcast with Ari.

Yeah. That was light acid. It was good acid, but it was light acid. Yeah, you're not breaking through. You're not breaking through. You're just at the edge. Between you and I, I don't have it to break through. It would break me now.

At this age, it would break me. You think so? Yeah, I think it would go deep and bring up some skeletons. But I forgot all about me. Your skeletons are showing up to your shows. Oh, my God, that was tremendous. No, no, first of all, I wasn't, it's so weird how I put it up on Facebook. Can't handle it.

I put it up on my Twitter. I was like, what is this real? And I'm really happy he showed up. When we hugged, we hugged through my phone. four minutes and without communicating. I could hear what he was telling me. And we're talking about the guy kidnapped in 87. He showed up to the shows this last weekend in Tucson,

which the shows were great in Tucson and Vegas. Thank you if you came out to Treasure Island. But the Fox Theater, I've been trying to get him to shows in Tempe because he lives in Tucson. Yeah. And he always tells him, I come, but he's got a sick mom. And I don't think he ever really dealt with it. Well, this weekend I was in his backyard.

He couldn't get out of it. When I got there, I'm surprised. He didn't call to do dinner. So when I got to the show, I said, you know what? Now we know the truth. He doesn't want to see him. I don't blame him.

Yeah. But after the show ended, the guy came up to me and says, Kent Bell is here to see you. And I was so happy. And I almost, and when I first saw him, I almost was driven to tears.

And then I hugged him. And we didn't have to say nothing. Isn't that amazing? I could feel what he was telling me. And I know what I was telling him. Yep. You know, you don't have to fucking write it on Twitter or come it down. No, no.

He needs to see it. And it was, uh, I figured, you know, I said, I'm sorry for what I did. It was really dushy. And, you know, he was like, I put myself in that position. Wow. You know, I could feel it his body, what he was. Yeah. Accountability.

We talked about, you know, what happened to us over the years, who he still spoke to, he's a really interesting guy. What is he doing now? He sells solar panels. Wow. He's a manager of the solar panel plays. That's the future. He was always a great salesman.

He was just lost just like I was. And he was hanging out with a crew that you had to make a certain amount of dough. Like a limit. He was hanging out with a crew that they're your friends and they'll cover for you, but you want to cover for yourself. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

You want to go out with the. some time to time and go, Joey, let me put, and they would never, ever, but to be part of that crew, you had to have a BMW. Wow. You know, their father owned the BMW deal. So all the kids have BMWs.

That's a lot of pressure. So he came from the other side of Boulder, you know what I'm saying? He hung out with these kids. He hung out with Jill Goodacre. Who the fuck is Joe Goodacre? Jill Goodacre is married to Harry Connick Jr. Oh, Jill Goodacre.

Joe Goodacre's from Boulder. Like the wrong side of that? tracks and Boulder? She's from the right child of the tracks and Boulder. She got hired Victoria's Secreter out of Boulder. Let me tell you. She went to the same high school. I think it's Fairview it was called. And that's who sent out the Carl brothers into the NFL. Kevin Carr was an outstanding offensive lineman for the Baltimore courts for years, all pro. That high school had something. Wow. And this kid came from that whole wishy-washy thing and we sold cars at a place called Bill Crout Subaru. I had worked

at this dealer as a car washer for this body shop. Yeah. And all they did was cars from this group called the Crouch Car Group. At that time, they had Honda, Subaru, Lexus. They had a couple different chains of cars, Mazda. They had a couple different boulder things. And I washed cars from them, but whenever I would drop them off at a particular dealer, the guy would always go, bro,

when are you going to quit washing cars and sell? fucking cars. You're killing yourself for $200 a week. Yeah, seriously. They were all gangsters in Jersey. The guy's name was Peter Pinto. Peter Pinto? Yeah. So he kept bugging

me, bugging me until one day he was short on salesman. And he said, hey, Monday, I want to see at 8 o'clock. I didn't know what to do. On the Saturday morning, I dropped off a car and he goes, I'm short salesman, Monday. Put a shirt in the show up. And I had to call the

I got a body shop Monday morning ago. I can't come in there. I'll be in there tomorrow. And I went there on my first day. I read the pamphlets and I went there and sold three cars the first day. No, you did not. Fuck, yeah. And I went and borrowed $500 from my so-called mother-in-law and bought two suits and two white shirts.

And I quit the body shop. And I went to work at this Bill Crout Subaru. And I put my head to the groundstone. The first month I made like $7,000. I was snorting Coke. I was going to Coco's. I was eating fucking, fucking tremendous. this, I bought more suits.

In the second month I went in there and sold like 16 fucking cars and got like $4,000 in cash bonuses. Then I went in the third month and sold another 16 cars. I made another like $10,000. In the fourth month, guess what happened? You sold more cars? No, I got smart. You started stealing.

No, I got stupid. I got too smart. When you want to be a good salesman, you don't know that. Shut your mouth. I don't know. How much with a car? I don't know. I got to ask my manager.

I don't know. What's the weight? I don't know. You're selling. Then when you get cocky, you think you know everything, and you go away from the game plan. Oh, yeah. So the fourth month, I fell on my face,

and I couldn't handle the rejection. So I quit like a pussy. But that guy, Kent Vela, worked over there with a dude named Carlos Valverdi, a string of fucking killer salesman. They were killers, bro. They would manipulate your mind so you couldn't sell cars.

Really? Oh, yeah, that's the number one thing. Like, so that they would sell more? Yeah. Sharks. If you're a good sales and they'll come up to you, let's fuck with Lee today. Go, Jessamy. What's that?

I don't know about working at this place. Yeah, no. This place sucks. You know, Kay Lee? It's called pissing on your leg. So we piss on your leg. And then Jessame leaves, and I come over and piss on your leg for a little while. And it's called cracking it, talking about sad things.

A puppy got hit by a car today. And sometimes it backfires on you because then you get sad. But if you're not. It's called pissing on somebody's leg And you piss on their leg Until you get him out of the game So that's one less guy I gotta worry about

Jesus That's terrible So it's you and me against the world He's at home grieving About some fucking hand-y The dead dog Yeah but the guy who got hit with a wheelchair He got to hit him with a ukulele 15 times

It's hysterical So we get him out of the game These guys were professional torture chambers They have anything to get your mind out of the game So they could sell They call up to you Like if they saw a guy on the lot They call up to you and go, the manager wants to see you.

And then you go and see the manager. And then they'd bite. He don't want to see you. And he went and got the up. That's why you had to stay in your ground. You learned a lot by selling you. Yeah. So when I went there, it was his dude, Carlos Valverdi.

Go look. Dude from Boston. I didn't know he was on heroin. The whole time? Yeah, he was on heroin. Is that how he would sell? He would sell on heroin. And the lunchtime he always disappeared.

Then one day the cops came and told us they arrested him for bank robbery. He had robbed six banks in the area or something to that effect This place was fucking wild This place had like eight salesmen Sounds like a show Two of them were cool, like legit white people The other six were all ex-cons I feel like X-Kons would be the best salesman

So I quit there because my ego couldn't take it And I went to Chrysler Plymouth And I met a Jew named Art Presler That was a badass fucking Jew and he knew how to sell but he sold coke too well he was selling cars would it be in the trunk no he would just sell it from his desk wow

there'd be four salesmen there and I learned how to fuck in that's why I learned how to piss on people's like the top salesman he had his favorite pen it was a red cross pen so when he saw it up he would run out there and talk to the up right when he went to sell the car he'd bring him in I'd steal the red pet and fuck up his whole day

and then he'd be looking where's my lucky red pen Where's my lucky red pen? Fuck. Where's my lucky? He'd be looking on the cars. It would break him? It would break him. He'd have to go home.

A pen? I would take him out of his game. I mean, if a pen's taking him out of the game, were you ever in the game? Oh, my God. And then again, he would get him up. I'd steal his pen. This went on, I worked there for maybe five months. You put it back?

Would you just put it back? No, I stole. I stole them. I got them for about 30, maybe 31 pens. Wow. When I put them all in the rubber band, And they had those inverted ceilings. Yeah.

And I put them in the ceiling. And the day I quit, I gave him all the pens back. And he was like, you motherfucker. I've been looking all over for these. I had that dealership. It was called Hollister, Christoplimblet. Let me tell how much of a slime ball that was. I had the keys for the soda machine.

If things were bad, I'd just rob the soda machine, all the quarters. How the hell did you get the keys? It was in the fucking secretary's death, so I stole and made duplicates. How do you get a key? Oh, my. I don't think you're dealing with. Joey bananas. I told you.

I would eat people live for lunch in those days. Joey bananas. You're the reason why they invented cameras. You are. You 100% Joey Diaz. You're the reason for security cameras. I 100%. I wholeheartedly agree with that.

So I was doing well at the Chrysler store. But the cocaine was killing me. It was too accessible. There was no more calling a guy. I would just have to go on to work. Sell a car at 11 and I'd fuck them by a gram a blow. How much was a grandma blow? then it was a hundred but it was tremendous he was getting good coke this art i don't even know how much a

hundred gram is now his jew was a bad motherfucker he was a great salesman he taught me how to sell really good so now i was prepared to go back the crouch with the killers so i went back to crouch in november i went back november first i started the month 12th they gave me a car i put them together for a car a thousand dollar advance because i was good yeah went back to crouch and then one day i read i'm reading the paper like two days after him back at Crouch. I'm reading the paper by the guy who fucking broke out of the cops arrested him for a DEY.

And while he was in police custody at the hospital, he broke away, broke into the pharmacy, stole several bags of pills and other unnamed drugs. And he jumped out the window and the cops caught him or something like that. And the next day,

two days later, this kid comes out of the lot. And his name is Kent Vella. And they go, Vela is coming back today. And he comes back and he had stitches on his lip. And I go, what happened? He goes, I was the guy that was arrested. He had the handcuffs still on, like the red was around his wrist still. So he's telling me this whole story about how he broke out of the hospital.

He stole the liquid cocaine. He fucking drank it. I mean, this guy was nuts. I mean, you know, I was watching Scarface last night. I was on Sundance. And he says, I lied to social because I never fucked nobody over that didn't have a comment to him. I fucked him over, but he didn't have it coming to him. He was just at the bad place.

at a bad time. Right. And this is after 32 years what I've come up with, what I remember, who I was, the type of person. I'm telling you,

I would steal the fucking soda machine. Like, I had 19... How much cash did you get out of there? The soda machine guy wouldn't take the money out. He would leave singles and dollars, and then he would try them into hundreds.

The first time I went in there was like $1,100. I couldn't believe it. What? I took like $200. Then I came back two weeks later and it was like $1,300. I took another $200.

It was crazy So I was just duking them for hundreds Like an ATM That's what I called it The ATM? Would you ever take a can of Coke also? I take everything Whatever I wanted in the morning

A couple sodas for later A sprite and a 200 So when I went back He told me this That he was the guy that got arrested And that his bail was high And Gebhardt got him out The guy who owned cars

He did Yeah the guy who owned the car dealers But he was running on the bail He goes I'm running on the bail I'm not doing time for that They offered me four years. I'm not going to do. So I go, what are you going to do?

And he goes, well, I'm staying with this guy. He's got two kilos of coke. He's holding. But we have to do this quickly because the guy he's holding the coke for is coming back to get it. The guy's name is Randy Chambers, his roommate. So right away, that lived in my curiosity. You know what? I was in Boulder long enough.

My friends were in New York having a good time. Yeah. They were doing eight balls. They were going to clubs. Here I am in this fucking town with these fucking Gentiles. I had a nice girlfriend with her family, but this wasn't. Not really happy. That wasn't enough.

You needed to be almost dying. Dying. Yeah. Swimming in a pool of cocaine powder. Like $7,000 wasn't enough and the coke I was stealing. Because you're chasing something. I lived in a house of three people. It was a four bedroom house.

And it was two guys, me and a chick. The chick was hot. She was a redhead and she had a little part-time living boyfriend. But I get coked up at night and knock on our dog, give her two lines and we'd be working that little fat. Shut up. I was a demon dog, dog. I mean, I was a demon. I mean, I had a girlfriend.

I was a demon. I mean, you know. Consuming, consuming, consuming. Consuming is what I did. Yeah. Sold cars. You were a locust. So when he told me he was going to run this guy, could I move the coke from him?

He moved the two kilos from me. I was like, absolutely. I got some guys in Aspen that'll fucking take that off your hands quickly And I called my guys in the assman I'm like, what am I doing? I'm just going to rob this fucking guy So I called my partner and crying from Jersey

What am I doing? I'm just going to rob this guy. I'm going to broke this deal. Most of you are like, what am I doing? I shouldn't do this. What am I a fucking broken? I'm going to do it myself. So I said, fuck it.

I'm going to call a friend of mine and I'm going to fly him out of you and we're going to take this guy down New Jersey style And then we'll go back to New Jersey. I'll leave this chick. I'm done with this life. I'm lying to myself.

I'm not a car sale. I'm a co-dealer. I want to go back with my friends, dog. I miss my friends. I missed my friends. I missed all that craziness. I didn't want to do this shit. Insanity.

I was 25 years old and I was done. My friends are going up to hunt the mountain, snort and coke every weekend, eating quailutes. And I'm out here watching the Denver Broncos. Give me a fucking break. I don't want to be it. Making 10 grand a month, seven grand a month. So I said, okay

And I went to a guy that I bought weed from And coke And this guy was a fucking moron Just a typical fucking moron He had every accessory A loser could have You know what I'm saying Pinky ring?

The jacket tattoo on the forearm When he rolled the jacket up So you could see the tattoo This is 87 guys Way before the tattoo revolution He had done time He had tinted windows He had loud stereo

He had a fucking pit bull Dude, he hung out at strip clubs. So far, I'm, I'm eight for eight. He was just a piece. But I bought drugs from, so I went up to him. He said he ran with some bikers. I know if he biker did. So I said, okay, I want to rob this dude.

And he's like, okay, I'm in, blah, blah, blah. Now his motivation for stealing robbing this guy, it was completely different than mine. Yeah, what was his? His motivation was he had met a stripper. That danced at a nude place, not even a topless place. A nude place. was B-Y-O-B.

The chick was tremendous. I saw her a couple times with him. She left her husband. And she was sleeping in his house now. Oh, man. He gave her his bed, and he slept on the couch. And he professed his love to her, but she told him she loved him also. Bullshit.

But she was a Catholic. I'm, what? And for her to sleep with him. A stripper and then a Catholic? For her to sleep with him, she would have to get a divorce that she didn't feel comfortable. It was against her religious beliefs. I mean, six hours ago, she had a snail trail going down a pole. How much is your divorce?

It was $10,000. And he needed the $10,000. He was going to rob this guy with me to give this girl the money. Pussy's so powerful. So she could get a divorce and fuck him. Pussy is so powerful. She slept on his couch. It was six weeks.

He slept on his couch. Because she was Christian. She lived in the bedroom. Getting her life together, bringing other guys over there. You know, like just the guy was a fucking idiot. So I take him. I set him up. to own a lot of real estate in Boulder.

She was like a rental. And he said he had an open house. He goes, well, let you bring him over there and we'll rob him over there. So my plan was to fucking, like, to be real easy. My plan was to bring him over there, show him some cash, make him go back, get the Coke. And when he came back, we just handcuffed him and put him on a bus. We gave him like $2,000 and said, get on a fucking bus. It's over for you.

Don't come back and we'll shoot you. That was the original plan. I mean, that even sounds risky. That plan sounds risky too. Oh, it was horrible. So, and I was the setup guy. I'm the setup guy. I mean, aren't you nervous thinking about all that, like, leading up to that moment?

I'm shitting my pants just listening to the story. Listen, I didn't make it all this way because I didn't have balls of steel. I was stupid, and I had balls of fucking steel. You can have balls of steel and also be apprehensive about that sort of scenario. At this point in my life, there was no apprehensive. You weren't even thinking. I was 25 and I was chasing a lifestyle that didn't exist. Yep.

I thought that this lifestyle would include me in that club. Right. And all that money was going to do is ruin me. Right. That's all that money at that age would do. And so you plan to meet this guy at the house? So I plan to meet this guy at 145 on November 18th to 1 o'clock at his house. And then driving to the other guy's house, my partner in the kidnapping, tell him everything was kosher.

and then do what I said. Drive him back, bring him back, do the exchange, tell him it was a rip off. I'm getting ripped off also. Put somebody in his pocket, my pocket. You know, drop me off on a corner, kick me out of the car,

punch me in the mouth, make it look good. Make it look good. And then get rid of this guy in a fucking bus. That was the deal. No, I go to pick up the guy. I go upstairs. Right away, when I get upstairs,

he takes me into the room. You want a line? Yeah. He gives me a line of the Coke. And right when he opens a drawer, it's a grinder, and it's $2,000. And the grinder was rocks. Because in those days, the grinder, the grind up Coke had a compartment that you could take the top off and put a lid on it. And you could hold a fucking half ounce in there.

Right. So when he opened the grinder, there was fucking a half ounce in there. I saw it my eyes. He took a rock out. We grinded it. We each to the line. And I can see the, I go, how much can you? Cash is there. He goes, 2000. He goes, I'm going to take that too. So he already had a plan.

He said, all right, let's go. Let's go over, take a sample from the roof. He took a rock out, and he was going to bring it to my guy. My guy whips out a fucking machine gun. And he's like, Joey, tie him up. And I'm like, this wasn't the plan, you dumb motherfucker. This wasn't the plan, you stupid fuck. So now I had to turn Joey on. So now I'm sitting here with the guy He goes, I'll leave him with you, and I go over there and see what's over there. I grabbed Bella, and Bella didn't tell him where the kilos were, and neither did I. I go, it's over there somewhere. But there's money in the drawer, and there's coke in the fucking grinder.

I didn't tell him how much. Right. So when he walked in the door, he said, I didn't find any Coke. There was just a gram in the grinder. And there was only $300 cash. So I go, really? And he goes, yeah. And he started smacking Valo, whatever.

Tell us where the co- is. And he goes, I don't know. I don't know. And I said, you know what? Fuck this shit. Right there is when I realized that that dude was robbing me. Yeah. So I go, you know what?

Fuck this. This is your mother's house. You figure out what to do with him. And he goes, you better not leave me here. I'm going to shoot you. And I remember walking towards the door, and I turned around. I go, you don't have the fucking balls to shoot me. And I went out to my car and I had a gun in the trunk.

at an old 9mmy, beautiful one, that had paid like $600 for an assman. And for a split second, I'm like, I'm going to shoot both these motherfuckers. Because I know what time is. Jesus. I knew I was going to jail. Right?

At that moment, I knew there was no coming back. I was already in deep. I looked at the clip. I cocked it. And it was like, God, just stepped in and said, don't just get in your car. And also, in my mind race, I go, let me go get the Coke.

I'll come back for these dumb fucks I went and threw the fucking gun in the trunk and I went over there You went back in? I went back to the guy's apartment I'm the doorman to the apartment building I just saw me with Vela coming out

and then Tidwell went over there with his keys I didn't take the keys from Tidwell Tidwell thought I was leaving so I basically went over there the door man opened the door for me I walked to the elevator and I pressed the button.

I walked to the floor. And when I made that turnaround on the elevator, I knew what apartment I was going to. And I just kicked the fucking door down. The door went flying off the fucking hinges. With no gun. No, just your dick gun? No, I had my gun in my...

You didn't? I did. I knew the guy wasn't there. He worked as a service guy at some car dealership. Yeah. But my gorilla foot kicked that door, and the whole fucking floor heard it. And I went in and they had one of those ceilings

that holds up those tiles, that you could push up and hide shit in the tiles. Yeah. Old school. Yep. I jumped up like a gorilla. Because I knew it was under one of those tiles. I just didn't have time to look under each one and get a chair.

You know what I just kicked up the fucking door. It's hanging from the fucking inches. I mean, I kicked the molding and everything out. Like, I just gorilla kicked that fucking door. That's what adrenaline's called. That's what it's called when somebody's in a pinch. I just gorilla kicked that door. And when you're on Coke, too.

No, I wasn't a real. No, but I mean, you can have that energy. I just done, no, no, no, I had done one. little wine because I wanted to be alert I had done like one little tiny line had done nothing the adrenaline had blown that coke out of the war damn no coke involved I just grabbed that fucking ceiling and ripped it down like a gorilla and they just a ta-ta and all of a sudden boom I felt the two little things and they were wrapped in columbian newspaper wrapped with the duct tape and I basically put it under my arm and walked out of there and people were in the hallway like people were in the hallway

already going what's going on I just walked out I didn't care if they saw my face and that would you would you do with the coke I went out I put in the trunk of my car and I took off I made a U-turn and I hit it under a newspaper bin right on Canyon you have to open up a newspaper yeah yeah yeah yeah look underneath there's a little stash oh yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what we'd hired our coke in the old days when you deliver the a kilo you don't want nobody to see you or half a kilo or an ounce you hit in the newspaper bins So when you open up a newspaper That's why my dad always went there

When you open up a newspaper No, don't look at the newspapers Look at the bin underneath There's a retirement plan under there A lot of people didn't know In the 70s they'd leave the quarters They leave the quarters They just didn't look

You were lazy Wow You just pulled one newspaper out You fucking dummy So I hit it under there I called my buddy at work I told him to get a car from his dealership Put fake plates on and take the coke to Aspen

I said take a chunk out and drop it off by the house. What do you mean by a chunk? I don't know. Break a fucking piece off the kilo and put in a bag and drop it off for me. And then he dropped it off. And then he went up to Aspen and I sat there thinking

while I was on the town of cops. Now, what was my next move? I had cash coming back from the kilos. So I was good. I just had to stake it out for two or three days and I'd have money. So I knew the cops would be looking for me when, who, maybe the guy was going to look for me,

who owned the Coke. Right. I knew somebody was coming to my house. So I said, why worry about it? Let me get this Coke, go crusty through the bar and have a couple cocktails. And I went over to the bar, had a couple cocktails, and I went back to the house and drank. I got so coked up, I passed out. And I woke up on the couch to blazing Brent Hazen, knocking on the fucking door, going, Joey, open the fucking door.

The cops are looking for you. You're like, get that 10 minutes. And I opened the door. I go, what's going on? He goes, fucking, they got those dealerships around it. Cops are all up there looking for you. What did you do? And I go, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. Because the managers, the managers holding them off. They tell them they don't know what your address is, but they're coming. So I grabbed everything. And me and Brent, I went up to the corner. It was like a King Supers. That's a supermarket chain in Boulder.

And I went there and I called my girlfriend. I told her what I had done. It backfired. The cops were looking for on me. And she's like, I'll come get you. And I checked my pockets. And I realized I didn't have my weed with me. I left without my weed.

So I walked around the back of the neighborhood, jumped in my house. The cops were sitting in front of my house. I jumped in, took my weed in my pipe, and I left. You went back for your weed when the cops are at the house. This is just to let you know the state of mind. Wow. But that night before, before I left to get coked up, there was a knock on my door, and it was Tidwell, my partner.

Yeah. And he had Vela in the trunk of the car already. And he came on and he goes, hey, okay, you got me. but we still got to make money. I need money for that divorce. And he goes, there's a guy with a pound of hash staying at a hotel up the road.

Let's go take that. I go, you go take that. You're on your own. And he goes, if you don't fucking come with me or some shit, I'm going to call the cops or whatever the fuck it was, and I just put my gun on him. I said, just leave my property.

Don't have to fucking come back here. Because I knew I was already in trouble. I didn't know what was going to happen. And you know what to tell you what happened? Nothing. The guy was driving, veller to the bus station. And it was in a bad neighborhood,

but he was driving without his headlights on it. And he got pulled over. You would have gotten pulled the fuck over. I wouldn't have been in the car. I would have never been in that car. I was his job. Yeah. I don't put myself in a car like that.

That's why I never stole a car. I don't like stolen cars. Because you've got no alibi. Yeah. You're in the car. You're already in the car. You're screwed. So when he said, license and registration,

you heard, hmm, the guy was in the back of the trunk and they opened up the trunk and Vela never read it. Here's what you guys got to remember. Vela, the victim, never rat it. It was Tidwell that told him everything.

Just remember that. That's how, and then I got sentenced and the whole thing, and then I came out. How long? What was your sentence? Six years, zero to six.

No, no. You had a work. What a reconsideration, no. But after 120 days, I could send in a reconsideration, no, reconsidered my sentence. And did they? Yes. To four years department. Was it the first time you served time?

Yeah, that was the only time. Wow. Then I came out. I didn't bump into them. I went back to New York. I got into comedy. I got out of 90. I got to comedy in 91.

I fell on my ass in 93. And when I came back in 94, I bought Coke from me. I bumped into it in a bar. in Boulder and I bought Coke. Oh my. Full circle. But he was like he was so fucked up and he had a scar on his face. I go, what happened?

He goes after you kidnapped me, I got kidnapped again. He was like in a, you know, he was just in a cycle of. Yeah. You know, and that's who you guys got to remember. You get stuck in that shit. He was in a drug cycle. He was hanging out with major drug dealers. Yeah.

People pulling guns and all that shit. He stuck in that life. He was just a nice white guy from Boulder. You know, he didn't want no thought. He was just a nice white guy from Boulder. Looking for love in all the wrong places. That's it. Did he ever get the money for the divorce?

The other guy? The other dude? They gave him 10 years. Wait. He confessed and he got more time than me? Because he was on parole. Oh. He got caught weapons.

The guy was in his car. He really had no alibi. Yeah. He really had no alibi. And then he just rattled on all of us. That was just a funny thing about it. That Vela never said a word. It was Tidwell.

I told him everything. Isn't that how it always works, though? It's always like the dude. It's not like the victim so much as it is like just the ratty fucker in the group. He didn't testify because I plead bargaining. So he didn't have to testify in court. Vela testified in court and talked about his experience that he was put in a closet with a pit bull and all this shit. Because this Vela, this Tidwell guy had the pit bull.

So after I left, they're saying, so what my attorney had to prove was that I didn't have knowledge that this was going to go down. But I always knew what I had done, and I felt shitty enough. So we were going to take it to trial, but if I lost, I'd get 48 years. Ooh.

So I looked at it as, you know what? I'm going to do this for all the shitty things I did and start over. It's going to go balls in. Balls in. And you only got four. And that's it. And then they reconsidered it to four.

With community corrections and all this shit. I had a tag on like volunteer work and all this shit. What was like the day you got out? Do you remember what was the first thing you did? Eat? I would imagine people would just go eat. No, you go to the halfway house. Okay.

And you eat TV dinners. Oh. Like they give you like shitty food. But you're already used to fucking. Prison food. Yeah. What a business that is. And you had to stay in for 72 hours for orientation.

They had to piss you. See the levels of all the drugs in your system and all that stuff. Then they let you out from nine to five to get a job. I got a job, what was your job? What was your first job? Detail them. What did that even mean, Joey?

Detailing what? Detailing what? So what I did was, I got a pager. All they wanted was to call a place and be able to get a hold of you and talk to you. Right. So if I would say to them, I'm going to fuck in Jessamay's house. I got to write down Jessamese's numbing, just a address.

And from time to time, they were called Jessi May's house. And so what I would do is I gave my page a number and it drove him crazy because I said I work in a dealership Oh my god. I didn't have a job. I didn't have a job at all I didn't have a job at all there was a garage I hung out at and talked shit with the owners there all day But I didn't have a job were you just back into the hustle? I was just back into the house wow I remember I wasn't allowed to drive and one day I was a light in a car next to one of the counselors and I'm like, if this bitch looks over here, I'm done. Did you just put the seat back?

No, I just looked the other way, and then the light turned green, and she went, and I just stayed there and made the left. I mean, I was hell on wheels. I didn't not. I gave him too hot. The first piss test I gave him bad was not even from snort and coke was from touching it, from weighing it. It would go on my fingers.

It was a halacious fucking time. And it was all brought upon by me. God didn't do it to me. I didn't do it to me. You're the choices you made. Yeah. It was all my shit. Everyone's accountable for it.

It was all my shit. It was nothing to do with nobody else. It was just a spell of fucking lies. Do you believe anybody who's in that life can get out? Yeah. I did. It took 15 more years after I got out of jail to realize that. What was the final point for you that you realized you didn't, you wanted to live out, you

didn't want to live in that life anymore? I was here. in LA's performing in the fucking game in comedy I had already booked movies and films and mad TV and what about this life was more alluring and comedy and you gotta remember what life are you talking about the cells of drugs like why did comedy pull you out of that life because it seems like that life was so ingrained in you at that point it became my first love I knew that once I got the taste of it like I'm like you know what I'm out to something right I I don't want to admit it to myself or nobody else. So the other life was less alluring. The other life was getting old. Right. You're getting bored of that.

It was getting old and being broke and being desperate and always wanted to do coke. And always I was attracted to their fucking filthy women that don't want to do coke and some dick. And it just gets old. They got old. And then I find myself caring for somebody. When did you meet your wife? In 2000. And it took me seven years to stop.

Yeah, so she met you in the mid in, sorry, in the crossover. Wow, that's a ride or die lady right there. Yeah. She met you coming out of that life. Yeah. You were still in it, though. Seven years. Wow.

She loves you. Seven years that I was a productive individual. Yeah. But still. It's not like you came home at five and I'm on the couch playing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's not me at all. Right.

You know, when she got home at five, there was vacuuming was done, the dishes were done, the bathroom was clean. I was just a Coke head. Yep. I was, you know, I still sent all this shit. I talk about breakdowns and all this shit. Right. That was all in the coat. So that's why I don't, Polly Vu Franchet.

Right. You got to get up every day. Yep. And you got to work it. If I was doing it at this time and I was not until five and getting up at fucking eight. I mean, come on. Heart attack city. And I would go home at three and watch Law & Order at three and take a little nap.

It was to be on A&E. Law & Order at two or something. Yeah. on A&E. Yeah. And I take a nap from three to five, two hours, three hours. I got up to 418 pounds. Whoa.

I'm not sleeping when you don't sleep. Oh, it messes up all of your system. And your hormones get messed up. Your circadian system is all messed up because, you know, that's your sleep regulation. My food. So now that's why I don't do those late shows at the comments. You got a 10.30 show the comments. Don't even bother.

I'll do a 1015 spot because I know I'm getting out of that 1030. And I'm in the car at 1035. You know, after I go out of state. There's no Joey Diaz. My house wakes up at 6.15. We do, I do, too. I don't have time to party move front chae. Yeah.

Fucking around at night. No. It's not the 80s anymore. Yeah. I did that already. Right. You already lived that life. When I got into comedy from 2004 to 2001, like I said, I didn't know what TV was.

Right. There was no TV. Right. I didn't know who played baseball. Right. I didn't know who played football. My life was comedy. Yep.

I was on the road. I was doing truck. and what's the other guy Yoda runs yeah fucking you know I was out there I didn't have time to fuck it I'm trying to make 50 bucks yep to spend 45 on blowing weed right that five dollars for breakfast yeah I would wake up with a five to tip the fucking weights to have at the hotel hopefully it's a buffet yeah hopefully it's a buffet hopefully it's a buffet hopefully this breakfast is included they were like you have no credit card on file and what would you do I would call the club and go I'm in a buying

and I lost my ATM card before I came here. And you bring $50 over or something like that. They go, come over and get it. I was relentless. Wow. See, and that's like your story is so interesting to me because it really highlights that you're your own, not you, I mean, people in general,

you're your own worst enemy. And honestly, you can get out of the situation you're in if you just, if you just, exactly, if you want to. It takes time. It's not going to, Rome wasn't built on a death. That's not easy. You have to write a path out? Yep.

Like I just knew that the, I knew after the longest year I came out, that was my darkest problem with the drug like that. That was like a dark year. Nothing really happened for me. Tracy Morgan got a show. Fucking the dude from Brooklyn Nine-Nine, they put them on Chris Rock Show. You know, everybody looked up after that. My career stayed the same or even got worse.

So I had a hard time. And then I just saw a lot of people having a hard time following me at the store. Yeah. And you're like, well, what the fuck? So throughout all this bullshit that's around me, this is real, I only had two good things. This brought at the house. And this comedy. And this comedy thing.

And then you made that your nucleus. And then when I stopped in 2007, I remember the other gift. The baby? That I had never lost. I had never lost it, but I hadn't used it either. What's that? my balls. I was balls crazy from the cocaine, and I was balls crazy from,

but I remembered who I was, where I came from, and how I was going to act from that point on, and I didn't play the Hollywood game anymore. Not that I ever played it, but now I didn't tolerate it. Right. And I remember one of my first missions after the cocaine thing was a commercial for Hardee's, and just to make a long story short,

But the guy said some shit to me, just because he had a tattoo and a hat with a feather in it, one of those guys. I'm the director with his arm rolled up, an assistant. And I went off on him, and he was hitting this trailer. And he's like, you're fired. I go, well, who are you going to get it to in the morning to shoot Long Beach? You're going to waste Hardy's budget. They're going to fire you. Come out here, apologize like a fucking man, and let's get on with this.

Did he? Oh, yeah. That's amazing. And he shook the whole time. many. I've never been spoken to it yet because you're a cunt. And it's time that somebody did speak to you. Yeah. And he's like, that's respect though. You're a fucking director. Who gives a fuck? What did you do? You went to school. I'm at the comedy store fucking every night. I'm gunning for my life. So next time you yell at a white kid that doesn't know any better

that thinks you really work, you're weight and gold, you better check yourself. You're wearing shit. You put your pants on one leg of a time, just like the rest of them off and this motherfucker. Yeah. And once I became now, I didn't get as much work anymore. I got a little tough to work with but always remember that's worth it because that's for respect you ain't better than you're yeah all these motherfuckers that don't like to shake hands yeah because they're jermophore without smacking them out of the mouth either shake my hand I went out of wall one time don't start me yeah I stand them down where what was a scenario we had to do a movie about the how would Hughes and what were you staring at him for a scene because we were

the mob sisters to throw him out of the hotel we had to throw Howard Hughes out of the hotel right so when we get there to rehearse we're just sitting there And he's talking about fucking what's her name with attitude, his ex-wife. He's still talking about the blonde. Really? Christy Brink. No. What was her name?

Shush. Doesn't matter. Whatever her name is. Yeah. And then the director goes, all right, we're getting ready to shoot. And he started looking at all of this. Like we played four gangsters. And then when it came to me, he started like that, like eyeballing me.

And I'm like, oh, look at this fucking bitch. He wants to play eyeball with the mask of the eyeball. Because I've been to court. I've been up against judges. You can't take your eyes off. When the judge is looking at you, you take your eyes off a judge, that's weakness. Yep. So when the judge is looking at you, you got

fucking went out of standing down. Like, you blinked already twice. I haven't even fucking fucking played. I'm old school. I'll show your shit down until fucking the end of time where he had to break away, because I'll fucking work it. Yeah. I've been court trained. I'm fucking a real deal. I know how to put my eye on the time. You know,

that's what you need to do. That's some of your parents teacher. That's why you never seen me with sunglasses. You know the same thing. I will never wear fucking sunglasses. I'd rather die. I wear them in the car now because I'm older, but as a kid, I love sunglasses. You weren't allowed to wear sunglasses why I grew up.

Really? Yeah, people wouldn't talk to you. Take them to the fucking things off. Oh, I got dry eye today. My eyes are bothering the fuck out of me. It's always a pleasure to see you, Jess and I don't want to leave you. I was just going to say something. Wait, so Alec Baldwin, you stared him down.

Then what? And then he took his eyeballs off me and we shot the scene and I got out of it. That's it. Nothing else happened. He didn't talk to me ever again. I mean, it's a fucking movie. What's he worried about? But this guy's one of those guys that smacks cab drivers and, you know.

He does smack cab drivers. That's right. He's a tough guy when there's 10 people. Yeah. Pull them off. Yep. Fluffing his feathers. See, if he would have got lied with me, I would have bids slapped him.

And the gay community would have sucked my dick. Because the gays can't stand that motherfucker. Really? Oh, yeah. He called them faggots and shit on the set one day or something. Oh. I need your movie. I need your movie.

I need the story about you to be told. I'm just happy the kid fucking showed up, shook my hand, and I made my peace. That's really amazing. You're not going to make peace for all your sense. No, you're not. You can't. You're not going to make peace for all your sense. But the ones you can, at least try a little bit.

Yeah. That's all I ask. It's both sides, though. No, I know all the people that I can't reach out to. I have people in my heart. I'm dying to reach out to, and I can't because I know how they're going to come out. Right. So I just leave it to God.

Yeah, you got to leave it. You just, you let it go. But I like that this dude came to you and also said he was, he took accountability for where he was in his life. He was a motherfucker who got kidnapped. He said he put himself in that position. That's interesting. Most people wouldn't do that. It's 32 fucking years ago, booze.

That's wild, almost as long as I've been alive. That's a long time ago. That's insanity. That's why I tell people when I'm doing jokes, you can't judge people no more. You can't. What somebody did 30 years ago. No. Well, let it go.

Because I know 50 people who have been, they're completely different people. Yeah, people change. Completely different. People change. People, look at you. Look at you. Completely different.

You're a father and a husband. But I'm still a fucking crazy dude. We're still a fucking savage. Oh, yeah, I'm still. I love it. I got to tame my nails down from time to time. You got any dates coming up, you dirty bitch? Yeah, I'm going to be traveling around.

I'm going to be in Japan this week for another USO tour. Jesus Christ. I'm going to Japan tomorrow. And then I'll be in Atlantic City at the Hard Rock Casino March. The new one. Yeah, 19th, 20th, and 21st. That's a good club. Good for you.

How's the boyfriend? What's going on? He's just adorable. How's Farmer John? You know. Where's you live again? Kansas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You still like this long distance relationship. You know, I love the long distance. You Skype and do sex dirty things. We do all that stuff. Yeah, you got to keep it fresh. Discussed. Yeah, you know, pussy and HD. You got to keep it clean too.

But that shit goes all over the world. There's some Chinese people that are whack Well, they deserve it to. They're stuck in a factory, making my phone. There's Russians intercepting that shit putting it on. Hopefully. Hopefully it's not just going to one place. We're going to get no commissions.

I should get some Cucci commission. That's what I'm talking about. If they want to play your pussy in Japan, at least throw you a Godzilla picture. Can I get a couple coins? Something. A Godzilla picture, a karate suit. Can I get an autographed Godzilla photo for my HD Kucci? Where's my Kucci commission?

You're right. I got to start. I should start charging. anybody who sees it really let alone I'm so scared of a dick pick you should be you have to I would imagine yours looks like like a like a extinct animal but like something really mystical I'll just show you my nuts after you'll see that you'll let yourself go after you'll go you go you know what I've seen some nuts in my day nothing like those things I imagine yours look like parade floats oh my god they have like a Thanksgiving Day parade float I just remember like being 19

and chick sucking my balls. It was a bigger banana than what they thought. Like that was a lot more than what they thought. And they just look at you with those big eyes. Like, I didn't know it was going to be this bigger. And that's just one of them. Jesus Christ. Filling bags filled with money.

Oh, my God. I was in Miami one time. And I met this girl in Bold and we were friends. We were good friends. I liked her a lot. I knew she was a freak on the side. And that's what made me like her as friends. I never really tried nothing because it was too easy.

It was too easy. But then she was living in Miami. And that changed it? And I went to Miami to do comedy. And she showed up at the club, and we got blow. And then she's like, where's your hotel room? So I'm like, fuck it. Parties on.

You know, she's the one that's saying that, well, when I went to a tax, she's like, before you know, I'm on my second day. I go, then let's not talk about it. She goes, no, I want some action. So I said, what do you want to do? She goes, well, I love to suck balls. And we were out in the balcony. It was four in the morning.

I have coped up to the gills. I have never. And she was sitting in like one of those chairs. You said to Sun Tand? Ball sucking chairs? Shaw's Lounge? The Shays Lounge. Yeah, like a pool chair.

It was four in the morning, a pool chair. Like, climb over the pool chair like a horse like John Wayne before the racist comments. And I just did my nuts. And she looked at me and she goes, I hope your balls don't smell really bad. I go, no, they don't. I just washed them like an hour ago. I didn't wash them in six hours. And I just did two shows at the improv.

They were two little sweat balls of death. I put that ball into a mouth. And she looked at me. She was like, is that just one ball? I had just one ball. She goes, Jesus Christ, what are the size of these things? And this had to be 25 years ago. Now that I'm 50, they're down to, one's down to my kneecap,

and the other one's down halfway, like half-mas. And they do half-nast. And my left nut's bigger than my right nut. Oh, no. Yeah, you didn't know that. You got a swollen nut? Yeah, you have to be ambidextrous. If you're lefty, your right nut is bigger.

Oh. So if you're, it's longer. Yeah, you got to use both your hands. So by using this hand, it's like, you know, when you pull a rope up, it's like a puppet. Right, right, right. You have a puppet for a nuttack. A nuppet. Yeah, it's like a nuppet.

Yeah, it's like a nuppet. So it grabs onto your nuts. If you're righty, your left nuts bigger than your right nut. A lesson for everybody. Well, so much science on this episode. It has to be. It's a Tuesday. How can I leave him hanging on the last day of the month, Black History Month?

They're still upset about Jesse Smolett and the Moggin' and the noose. You know what I'm saying? And people are going through different. People are going nuts. Everyone's offended. Everyone's offended. Get some sleep and learn a language if you're offended. Take a nap and learn a new skill.

That's what I say. I'm happy you got time to come on the show. I'm always honored when you reach out to me. Yes. So please, let's put it together. Where do you tape? All Things Comedy Studio. Yeah, it's right down the show.

I was just there before. Yeah, I would love to have you on. I got to do Mike Tyson on Wednesday. Whoa. I'm going to smoke some refre with Mike Tyson. You know, have you met him? He's going to fucking love you. Yeah, by FaceTime with him for them.

He is going, that is so epic. I'm going down to the spark with him for two hours. Oh my God. That's amazing. You're going to have so much fun. No boxing, just New York. Yeah. Reminis.

Reminis. Oh, that's amazing. That's going to be awesome. And then next weekend, the 7th to the motherfucking night, Houston, Texas. I'm coming home, motherfuckers. Carrabba's fucking blueberry hill. Kamalis, fucking Chewys, fucking... I'm coming home, you cocksuckers.

It's over. It's been too long. Coming back to the improv. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, late shows are already fucking sold out. So if you don't jump on these tickets today, you're going to be fucking doomed. I'm telling you right now.

Don't come hit me up on Facebook Messenger. Joey, there's no tickets. What am I going to do? Go fuck yourself. That's you going to fucking do. I want to thank Jessumet Paluso. I want to thank you guys. I want to thank you for fucking doing this today.

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Again, I want to thank Jessumet Paluso. Again, I want to thank the Flying Jews. but I want to thank you motherfuckers for being family and for having our back year at the church or what's happening now. Like I told you, Houston, Texas, Irvine, uh, improv. Houston, March 7th through the night. The party starts Thursday night.

If I was you, I'd get nice to 25-hour tickets on Thursday. You come in solo. Tell the wife you're going to shoot yourself. I don't give a fuck what you tell her. Bring a fucking tutz-s-a-so-roots, and we'll get this fucking party started. Next Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at the Houston Improv. And that's it and that's that.

I love you guys. I'll see you early Thursday morning. Ready to fucking rock. Stay black. Kick this fucking mealie. Open that door from me. I'm sweating like a fagging. To pick up the pieces

when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company wait and see I want to be around see how he does it When he breaks your heart Two bits Let's see if the puzzle fits

So fine That's when I'll discover That revenge is sweet When somebody breaks your heart Like you