The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #663 - Fortune Feimster

Episode Date: March 4, 2019

Fortune Feimster, a comedian, actress seen on "The Mindy Project", and writer, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month for just $5.   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH   

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Wash your balls, motherfuckers. It's Monday. It's going to be a good motherfucking week. Take this meal, Lee. Monday morning, March 4th, A little old school SWV My girl Fortune Feimston in the motherfucking house

The Christ killer And your uncle Joey Oh shit kick it Lee kick it What What the fuck you think you're dealing with A little something A little carryoff of Black History Month You know what I'm saying?

Ha ha ha ha ha Fuck it You gotta bring that black people Never get that week back Between Jesse Smillett And R. Kelly You never get it back I'm here to give it back to your brothers.

I love you. Blow my mind. Oh shit. With the things you do to me. Oh. Are you fucking kidding me or what? This is black power. This is a fucking savage.

After this, they couldn't do nothing after this album. They started smoking crack. Things happen. I think one's missing an eye. They can't make a comeback without an eye. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my gosh. Fortune, what the fuck.

Joey, I can watch you dance all day. Oh, I love dancing. I love it. I love all this shit. When I'm by myself, I move. You just dance in your house? I love all this shit. I love all styles of music.

Just putting it on. Nobody's home. I get those speakers on fucking loud. That's right. My wife says, what are the neighbors? Fuck the neighbors. Yeah, who cares? This is why you got a backyard and you fucking rip it up.

I love music. And I love dancing. This old shit, I love it. I love it. What's happening, baby? Oh, I'm just happy to see you. I would see you, and then you just disappeared from, I was telling you, before when you came in, that one night we were at the store, listen, my favorite thing,

and some kid disrespected me the other night. I don't know what your fucking name is. Don't do it again. When you see me in that background at the comedy store, I am as high as fuck. Yeah, yes. Okay, everything's kicking in at one time. That's right. The boogaloo pills, the reefer.

I don't drink when I'm down there. Okay. You just won't be left alone, huh? My funnest thing in life right now, the only real entertainment I have is when you have a spot at whatever time, but you make yourself a promise

that you're going to go 45 minutes early, go in the back, zip a quick number, and drink some water and sit in mids these chairs, and just watch the three guys before you. Yeah. You owe it to yourself.

They're on a lineup for a reason, and it's so weird because I can feel my body, sinking and sinking and sinking and I get sucked in by their material and I learn something. Yeah. And maybe something you could call back when you go up. I love it. That's awesome.

Something about that. I can't go to an open mic and sit in the back without people torture me. But that last row at the comedy store is for me, like I put my, I twist my leg all the way around like a fucking sumo wrestler. Yeah. And I put it on Mincey's table and people are like, how do you do that? You're so flexible. Yeah.

I want to watch Ron White. I want to see you. Yeah. I want to watch Bill Burr. I want to see Christa Leia the same way you do. Yeah, for sure. Why are you bothering me? And when they talk to me, they don't know they're breaking like 10 layers of, I'm that deep.

Yeah. Like to go that deep without doing heroin is impossible. Like, I'm focused. I'm zeroed in the zone. Un Fortune Feimster. I'm watching her hands. I'm watching her body language. That's how you become a fucking.

comic yeah by watching a really good comic and just studying them are they calling it in oh my god look at fortune she used her hand to sell that joke yeah so that's interesting one night i was sitting back there high as fuck watching bill burr laughing like everybody else right he's like coming he's the best and i'm not looking at the lineups when i go down there i don't look at the lineups like i don't know where i'm going who's up next it's a comedy store yeah i don't want to look at the lineup you just know the time it's like going to the doctor's office to get your tooth pulled You want to know? I don't want to know.

Oh, okay. I don't want to know. When they call me and they go 10.30, I don't want to know. Very great. Sometimes they put the roster up and I'll retweet it. And that's how I'll see who's on the lineup. But I really, for the most part. Yeah, don't pay it soon.

I don't want to know. That's the beginning of the end. Right. Once you go, I got to follow Cristolian. Now you're dead. In the shower, you're going to be thinking about it. Yeah. You know, and I see like Nancy, whatever.

And I know it's fucking whatever her name is. You know what I'm saying? Right. I got to follow her. And it's fine. But I'm watching Bill. He's ripping a part of the room. He goes, coming to the stage, Fortune Feimster.

Now, you know, six people, seven people walked out because it's Bill. Right. Me being a student in the game. Let's see what fortune is going to bring up there. Fortune, you went up there like, Bill's got a big dick, but take a look at my nutsack. And you just rode Bill's energy. Oh, man, with my nutsack. Oh, my God.

You just rode the energy. and I sat in the back and I'm like this is fucking phenomenal because I'm not saying anything bad about women but six out of ten women would have folded to that situation especially after the set that he had in that tiny original room at 945 that's a tough room at 945 you know so I always I fell in love with you like I was like

what's uh where did you start well thank you for that though that means that means a lot yeah where'd you start I started at the comedy store No shit. Well, I started in sketch and improv, so I was a groundlings person. And you don't, back then, especially you did not see sketch and improv people do stand-up. They were very separate. Very separate.

And people, the groundlings were not. How long were you the groundlings for? I did the groundings for about seven years. Do you regret it now? No. I'm proud that you did it. I'm proud that I did it because that's where I learned how to be a good actor. It was so character-based.

that was creating a lot of characters from nothing. And it really sharpened my writing skills. I was in the Sunday company for a year and a half, and you have to put on a new sketch show once a week, every week, and it's a new show. So you're writing like five to seven new sketches a week for a year and a half. It was a lot.

But it was great training. But I started stand-up at the beginning of 2007. What made you want to start? I just, I knew there was, Every time I saw someone perform a stand-up, there was something inside of me that was like, I gotta, I gotta do this. This looks like the greatest thing ever. But I was like scared. I was like, how do you be a stand-up?

What would I talk about? And I took a class. It took a stand-up class. No, with improv. You have six people with you. Yeah, you have all this backup. And you're bouncing these ideas. So now you're alone and naked.

What's that show? Alone and naked. Oh, naked and afraid. Yeah. Now you're naked and afraid. Yeah. It's you in the microphone. You're coming from bouncing ideas off.

If you fall, they fall. But Leah will bring us back. Yeah. Somebody will take us out of it. Yeah, for sure. You know, I just, I did this class. You remember Adam Barnhart? Absolutely.

Yeah, he, I took his class. And then he, you know, he did a show every Sunday night in the belly room. Yeah. Great guy. He's been there since I got here. For sure. And after his class, he was like, why don't you do the music? music for the show and I'll give you 10 minutes every Sunday night and you as a brand I was a brand new

comic I got 10 minutes in the belly room every Sunday night for a year and it made me stronger it made me grow a lot faster because stage time is the hardest thing to get did you get spots during the week also anywhere else where you go I was going up I was doing a lot of gay shows I was going to they were at the time there were all these like alternative shows and and gay rooms where like gay comics were performing so I was getting up in other places but the store was so you know coveted it was so hard it was gritty because now the store's like popping again everybody's going there the shows are full when I started it was empty 2000 it was 2007 yeah that's when I left yeah and I could tell it was kind of weird and

Rogan got thrown out yeah right around that time that was it I just heard reports that it was kind of weird yeah it was hard there just no one was going to the show And so I was going up and then I did a show well like a random show in LA and Brett Ernst was there and he was like you're you're really funny have you showcased for Mitzi and I'm like no I'm just you know two years in and he's like you got you got to Tommy's got to see you and so you know Brett like made it happen he like tell Tommy you got to see her you got to see her and finally Tommy let me go up and that helped me get to the other and then that eventually led to me showcased in for Mitzie.

I'd showcase on the video because I think Justin Martindella had just gotten past. She randomly saw him perform in the main room. And then she didn't watch anybody in person after that. Right, she got sick. Yeah. So they would do it over video. So she watched me over a video. Oh, she would have loved you right there.

I know what she liked. She saw it. And Tommy always said she said, Interesting. Interesting. Yeah, give her a shot. That's because she wants to be a doorman. I should have been a doorman.

Now they have two female dormant. They do? Yeah, Carmen Morales and Emily Rivera? No. So they have three. And then Jessica Wallach. Yeah. So.

Yeah. So they, they, she passed me ups. I went from, she didn't make me a paid regular right away. For a year, I was a regular in the Friday night belly room store. So I had to work my way up for a year, which, yeah, of course. Great. That's so fun. I needed that.

And then after a year, they were like, all right, you're ready. And I went, started in the OR. And I was like, oh, my God. I mean, it was the biggest honor. I got made a paid regular in 2010. And it was before I was on TV. And it made me. No Chelsea yet.

No Chelsea. So it made me feel like a real comic, you know. Because sometimes people get past, they're good comics, but it's more like, oh, what TV show are they on? Right, right. And not everyone. Just that does happen. And I just felt like I got it because I proved I was a stand-up. Well, she loved characters.

Mm-hmm. Okay, so, like, I got past a month after I got here. Oh, really? Doug Stanholm got me a showcase, the whole thing. I always, people would come to me over the years and go, has Mitzi shows in here? Uh-huh. And I know, Mitzie's never going to find out of fun. fucking see me yeah who gives a fuck I never really thought about really until I got here I went down there yeah

for the open mic and they're like has she seen you yet and then Stan hopes got day yeah they both put it together and boom and then but she loved characters sometimes she wouldn't go like this guy isn't that funny yeah but she saw a character there and she wanted him to develop that character right and soon enough that person wouldn't want to take it there because of his heart edness and they wouldn't get spots anymore oh interesting yeah she wanted you to be a certain thing and she pushed you into it yeah you know that that was and the store pushed you in the right direction i could tell by watching you on stage yeah that you were kind of like i haven't been here fucking uh i was i stayed out of the store for seven years yeah i don't know i didn't realize you'd stay away that long i stayed away

that yeah and then it was delia that was the birth of delia you're He was coming up. Dean Delray, you know, I would hear from Ari. I was tight with Ari and Duncan and all those guys. So I would hear what was going on in the store. But no, she would have loved you from day one. Oh, I mean, isn't it cool, though, like your story and my story, like how these other comics who have gotten to a certain level,

they reach back down and like, I want to help you out now. Like, with Doug, with you, Brett with me. Like, I don't know. I feel like you hear a lot of stories out of L.A. where people were like so cut throat but with stand up they're like you she needs to see you you got to get in front of this you know what I mean like it's cool to see people looking out for each other there in that way not that everyone does that but no there's people who look out for themselves but you know what makes you a better comic is not being judgmental or something like

Jesus Christ I wish nobody sees fortune because there might go my spots. Right. If you think that way, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah. It's like what we have is like going to the track. My mother died of a broken heart if you ask. She died of a heart attack. But it was basically a broken heart. Yeah. The Chinese call a broken heart. Until this day, I still feel Ralphie died of a broken heart. Yeah, he was 900 pounds, Joe. You don't know what you're talking about. He loses when you lose that will to live. My mother came from a school that if she went out and got 10,000, mandatorily, she was supposed to give away

six. Really? For good luck to come back to you. The problem is, not everybody plays according to those rules. Right. She would go, Lee hit the number for 10,

gave me $5. Yeah. And then instead of her saying something to Lee, it would break her heart. So with comedy, you have to be the same way. You have to look out for the people around you.

You know, you have to throw them bones what it's to serve. Yeah. There's a lot of people who come at you expecting something. Right. You and I both look at a comic because you've been doing it now for how long? Nine years.

2007. Oh my God, yeah, 12 years. What's that? 12 years. I got mad. I went to public school. You know when somebody's faking the fuck. Yeah.

Okay. I know the razz of that. I don't have to hear your material. I don't have to hear your job. I just go in there, go in the room for five minutes, and I know exactly where you are in your career. Yeah. Because I've been there.

And I've seen people I still remember going to towns as a feature And people go You had Lining for the future This guy's going to be a badass motherfucker And you know And I saw people come and go Yeah

And the people who stayed Were the people who kept it consistently Knew who the fuck they were And stayed within their bounds And just kept plugging along Little by little Normally you know One week you're a feature in Michigan

The next week you're an MC in Boston the following week you're co-headlining in Maine you know the following week you're out there on the road you're grinding it you're experiencing different why are the new england patriot so good because tom brady knows how to read the defense he knows how to make audibles when you go on the road you know me going into the bible belt in north carolina that's a different ballgame Oh my gosh. I remember going into the Bible Belt at like the nine-year mark. I can honestly tell you, I went zero for five.

It's tough there. I bombed in Carolina. I bombed that fucking the university of North Carolina. I bombed the Clark, Tennessee. The Bible Belt would take a ride with me for eight minutes. And then it comes back to them that they're Christian deep down inside. and they look at them, we can't laugh at this.

I saw them do it to Stanhope in Nashville in 98. And I go, oh. And I swore the guy. The bombing, I took in Nashville. It looked like Vietnam. Missiles were coming from everywhere. And I swore never to go back to Nashville. Have you never gone back?

Oh, no. Now I go and I love it. Yeah, I would think so. Because you mature as a comic. Right. But also they progress. You mature as a comic. Yeah.

It's good to go to the south, to the body. Bible Belt and fucking eat. Yeah. 22 nights. But I ate shit in New Jersey. You know what I mean? I haven't been to New Jersey in a while. I mean, I just did New York and it was awesome.

But this is, I'm talking about back when I was first touring. Yes. I hate big shit in New Jersey. Yeah, New Jersey. But you didn't go back to New Jersey now. I haven't been back. And now you got to come out of the box. I got to.

I was last here sometime. I was here eight years ago. You guys didn't like me what? I eat pussy. What the fucking? drunk with your motherfucker and you take them for the ride. Yeah, I got to go back. There's places I go to now that I promised I would never step in that state again.

Like you ever leave before? The entire state? You ever get, bro, when you bomb an estate. Yeah. And you're on a bus on the way out. Yeah.

You feel like the fugitive. Oh, for sure. Like, they're going to chase me down and shoot me. Like, you're on the bus fidgeting. When you just did seven shows at a club as a feature, and you died five out of the seven shows, even when the owner's paying you,

you feel like shit. Oh, totally. There's the worst feeling. But you don't know that you're going to get that later. This is just the lesson you got. Yeah. Don't blame it on the audience. You didn't come at that audience prepared.

Right. You didn't watch the MC. You didn't watch the headline of the first night. You got to watch those guys and see how they may. How many times you go on stage, you eat a bag of dicks, guy goes up behind you. never eat dicks well i know that you eat a bag of assholes and the guy goes up behind you and he i remember

there was a comic years ago that closed with a wig and stockings and heels on oh and he would get a standing ovation okay and i would leave there about ready as fucking shoot myself you're like what am i doing wrong and i would go up there and eat a bag of dicks yeah and i remember work with him like new years one year dying i worked with him in canada and i died like yeah there was a two-year mark there where I was just dying on the road but I know that when I was a regular at the store already I was already a regular at the store but I hadn't hit that 10 year mark and I said you know what I'm gonna go but even though I'm a regular at the store I'm gonna go back out to war again because I'm not prepared yeah and all those towns Mertle Beach

how was that Mertil Beach I like the owners yeah it was booked out of Milwaukee at the time. Okay. She was really hot and he was, there were a couple that ran the club in Milwaukee. And how you made money down there was the only paid you 400 to feature. Okay. From Tuesday to Saturday. But during the day, you took condo tours. Oh, really? What of those toys? Time cheer. Oh, yeah. If you sat through the whole year beaten to give you $150 cash. Oh, there you is. So you would go to four of those during the week. Yeah. And make $600 or whatever it was, $75, $50. I don't what the fuck it was but I did that and died like no that was cool because that was a vacation place yeah the beach so it was different people but that whole creative run at the time creative

had just burned uh carrot top so they had a great run of rooms yeah and i i never forget my manager calling me at the time he had left creative entertainment and come out here and manage and he goes I just got a call from him. He goes, you got nine, like, bad reports. Oh. Like out of the 16 rooms, nine of the rooms said, don't never want it. Oh, no. That type of shit.

Jeez. And you learned from that. You can't take your feelings, sir. Oh, West Virginia was the worst. I got on top of a ping pong table. And you had to sign a contract that you couldn't say the word fuck. What? If you said the word fuck, they would call the police and fine you $50.

Wow. Wow. I just went up there and bombed because I needed that $50 for Coke. That was where I drove the guy. He drove me to get Coke and it was meth. Oh. I just got the meth and took it home. You're like, this will do.

Yeah. Who cares? But how much of it, what's a percentage of you bombing or was it you just not being right for the room? Was it a mix of both? It was like it's kind of probably not being ready for the room. Not being ready. Listen, it's not the punch that you throw. You know, Fortune, that punch I thought

I was going to punch you, he's going to hit you in the head no matter what. Yeah. It's the next punch and how you're going to react. You block that left and then you hit me in the stomach, come up on an uppercut, and I'm bleeding, now you're bleeding,

now we've got to fight. Yeah. And that's what, you're not prepared for that. You just let me come out and punch you twice and you gave up. Right. You have to learn how to get yourself out of that hole.

They're judging you within the first. first seven seconds. They're in fucking Hellsville, Hells, Carolina, and you're the first Jew they've seen in 11 years. They don't know what to do.

They don't know what to do you. They're going to touch you after the show. And your jersey accent. Man, you're Jewish skin and softening on the eyes, man. They got good desert something over there and Jew islehem. You know what I'm saying?

You're like, you know, they don't, you know. And then now you, then you have to, to learn how to make yourself one of them. Yeah. And look at you from that perspective. And that's what Texas came in for me.

What happened in Texas? Texas, they take the ride with you. Oh, yeah. I love Texas. There's not a room in Texas. It doesn't take the ride with you. I love performing there. Once you get in there seven minutes,

you got them. Like in Houston, you can't say Bush. You think about the bushes. In Austin, you can jump up and down the flag. They're all hippies and shit. But in Houston, you say something about the bushes. They shoot bow and arrows at you. They named the airport after them.

Yeah, don't you mention nothing about Barbara Bush. Don't even say Bush. Can you talk about Bush? Even the DJ don't push, push, push in the bush. That song is banned in fucking Houston. Don't say fucking Bush. But anything else that I take the ride with you, so as a feature act,

I developed really well in Texas because they let you take the ride. And in Texas, they had hell holes during the week. And the weekend you did for a while. But there's a B-room. And you did the lap stop. You had the lap spot, the last stop. You know, you had fucking the Dallas Improv. You had the one where Ralphie May fell through the stage.

Oh, yeah. Stage, fritters, whatever. The old improv, he felt to the stage. He kept the secret for years until I found out that I would break his balls from time to time. Didn't you spell binders? Yeah, yeah. Spell binders.

Uh-huh. Smell by this. Because I remember I talked to the lady who booked it. And he goes, don't mention my name. He goes, oh, yeah, she told me you fell through the stage. No, I didn't. The stage was faulty. It was their fault.

It's their fucking fault. I didn't fault her no stage. Even Tennessee, like when I went back to visit my in-laws, I took a ride to Paducah. And they were great. Yeah. It was a coffee shop. You've been everywhere, though.

You have to. As a comedian, like, listen, I'm not a big, I'm not going to lie to you. I barely keep it together on L.A. to New York. L.A. to London, that's 12 fucking hours. I'm about to do, I'm doing that. These guys that do this Malaysian runs and shit like that. I adore you to death, but I'm going to sit on the plane smelling hummus feet for 16 hours. Them fucking, whatever those people, they take their shoes off and click their toes.

And you got to sit sniffing it. Everybody. Today there's no class in the airline industry anymore. Every day you hear of something new. Everyone's clipping their toes. Somebody the other day put a Twitter picture up of a dude holding his big toe. That's right. Somebody.

Delia posts things like that. Somebody fucking posted it up. Yeah. There is no class anymore. What do you do of the guy next to you started doing that? I would fucking take the plane down. I would fucking. I would take my sleep at him.

machine it's so crazy you have no fucking idea crazy craziest things there's no and as it is like I already like all right people all right let's get out of the way you got to take care yourself so I pack a pack in my sleep batting machine I got a pack of fucking disinfectant wipes and yeah no germ wipes I wipe the seat down my fiance does too the tray they say the tray has more germs then fucking if you take a count them and coming in a thousand times put in the crap Hocke's ass, leave it there for a year and pull it out. That fucking tray has more germs than that dead fucking condom.

Yeah, because people like change their babies, diapers on that thing. You get on a fucking plane. The first thing you do is you wipe that down. I got a straw by the fucking window. I don't give a fuck. I didn't know you were such a germ. I'm not a germaphone. But we're comedians.

You got to say. What happens if you catch the flu for 10 days? That's true. I got to reschedule now. And then you go out too early and you're going to get sick. your lungs, your cloth. Do you ever wear the mask? On a plane?

Yeah. Unless I got Scott's tape to put out my eyes like a Japanese. Who else gets away with that? A white dude with a mask, I gotta go smack you in the fucking face like 10 times. Like leave that to the Japanese. They do that, all right? You're embarrassing me. You're from Iowa.

I've never had a mask on. No, you can't wear a mask on, but you need to eat something to protect yourself and, you know, your hands. You don't know. Well, I wash my hand before I take a piss out of respect for my wife. want to suck in dirty dick. There you go. And even now I'm over 50. I don't want nobody somebody sucking my dick no more. It's disgusting. You don't want any blowjob. No no no no I wouldn't put that on nobody. That's psychological abuse. All right. I'm 55. I mean that's nice that's really nice of you. It smells like I scratch my nuts at night and smell my finger.

It smells like all folks home you know what I'm saying like my balls? It's not mop balls. It's got old man balls too. I don't want nobody you're really nice because most guys are like I don't give a shit. No, no. I've always been a three shower, a day type of guy. My nuts are always tipped-top my goo. I put the cornstarts down there. Tip-top my goo. Let me tell you something. Even with the corn stop, you can't stop the 50 age of 56. It happened. You just get those dusty balls. You put cornstarch right away? When I come out of the shower. Oh, wow. I put my fucking, what are those panties I wear? What are your panties? And you dip them in cornstarch? No, I take cornstarch powder. Yeah. It comes, you can buy powder at the supermarket. I'm trying to learn how to take care of my balls.

Well, ladies can't, no, let me tell you the problem is women can't put, see, when I was growing up and you ate somebody's pussy, you could smell the talcum powder. Baby powder. Oh, everyone used to use baby powder. Because it would marinate the pussy. It's like putting the saran ramp on a pussy. It marinates it nice and it keeps the inside nice and moist, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. But then women started losing their kidneys and eyeballs. Every night I'm watching TV.

Because they were using baby powder down there? Did you use talcum powder in the 80s on your pussy? Call us now. No, my God, I didn't know that. I don't know what an ovula is. I don't know either. You were like, they all had great smelling pussies, but they died of cancer.

They all died of fucking ovarian cancer or something. Holy shit. So you're not supposed to put talcum powder, but I never said nothing about the dick, and I grew up on talcum powder. And so far, you're good, so. Yeah, I'm good to go. Yeah.

I gotta tell you that after like, after 30, my dick was fine until about 24. I fucked this shit. Wait, at 24, it started changing? I had some wang to it, like tuna fish. I used to bang this chick without a condom. She was a filthy animal. I still talked to it.

What a shame? And my dick chain smells for like a year. After you had sex with her? Yeah. Wait. It wouldn't go away if you showered? Yeah, if I showered, it went away on the outside. I thought it, like, marinated them.

But deep on the inside, if I scratched my helmet at night while I was watching the TV, it snore my fingers. Tuna fish. It was kind of weird. But did it? make you nervous to have sex with women after that like you were you afraid that that was going to happen again or you was always let's get some out of the way okay so that's your feems Joey I can't wait there 14 15 16 a buddy of mine came to like a man he goes listen I got something would you come with me to the clinic and I went with him from the clinic

and I sat across I don't know if he was gay I'm not going to say anything yeah he had something on his mouth like a grove on his mouth he was like number 37 it was like number two and I had to sit there and look at him the whole time he had like a VD grove oh interesting and beside my Catholic

upbringing I always had that that image was in your head so until the age of 18 I can't lie to you I wasn't going for blow jobs right like there's something wrong with that fucking guy's mouth yeah I kept thinking about his mouth Sometimes I got old and I started doing drugs and you start eating ass and pussy.

Once you're eating ass, anything goes. And even if it's got a little dirt to it, like sometimes they took a shit of two, but you're eating their ass at nine and it's got a little wang to it there, you know what I'm saying? But you don't give a fuck. What are you going to embarrass them? And tell them to go use the bidet? No, you're already, well, you already went in the cave, like the little Thai kids. Oh, my God.

There's no coming back. When you go in a cave like the tight kids There ain't no coming back You get stuck Oh Poise and feasts Joey I could listen to you talk about Eating ass

What the fuck All day That's what we share in common You and I I've never eaten ass Thank you I've never eaten ass You never lick the woman's ass on

No So you're the boss I You're the captain Kirk in the relationship Is that what that means? Yeah, you put the strap on on and hit him in the face and something. You better have my dinner, bitch, and my paper. You know what I'm saying?

I would assume that if you're eating. Well, you eat pussy. Yeah, I do that. Okay, so when you're down there, you see a little asshole staring at shit. Just leave it alone. Just give it a world. Yeah, you don't give it a little. I haven't ever before.

Even his fiance, I wouldn't marry unless you're always. She is a germaphobe. She doesn't like that stuff. A lot of women don't, you're not allowed. Once you eat the pussy, you got to eat the pussy. Yeah. But then you got a tongue the ass on. You can't double dip.

But no, no, you can't go from the asshole to the pussy. Right. Same with wiping. So what are you? Once you eat the ass, you got to stay focused on the ass. Keep fingering them, put your cock in their mouth. And then before you kiss them, out of respect, you'll get some double listerine and you wipe your face with a germ day. I'm learning so much today.

It's so weird. I really am in church. Like when you're 20, like when you're doing comedy, right, like on the trip will run. Yeah. There's so many women that you're most. mentor and because you're on stage and they're from this small town afterward you're like a fucking celebrity you can tell them whatever you want that you know James Francis you know Steve McQueen they're like enamored with you no matter what you look right you don't know how

many blow jobs you get on the road and at the end they want to kiss you and you're like if you blew me who else was in line you know what I'm saying that's where you draw the line you didn't know kissing unless you know you want to get an eye on or whatever but that's how you get the flu. There's a lot of pussies and dicks that got the flu. You ever eat pussy and get the flu? What? I don't. You ever eat somebody's pussy the next day? Your throat feels weird. Maybe I never put two and two together. I don't know. Sometimes you eat like weird

strange pussy. Yeah. What? You wouldn't kiss them. Would you lick their asshole? Yeah. I would lick their asshole. The asshole is clearly just staring you in the face. It doesn't give you the flu, I guess. No, if it's staring you in the face, you just can't leave it there. puppy you'll see a little puppy you always go back when you pet him a little bit you're saying just like an asshole I can't believe you never like nobody's assail yeah Joey how long have you swung on the other side for I came out at 25 any men ever I never had sex with a man I'm like I'm a gold star or you knew it from early on I I think I might have had I might have had sex of the guy back in the day but nobody wanted to but I think but I

think part of it is that when you're gay even if you don't like I didn't it wasn't like I was in the closet I just didn't know that I was gay I didn't realize that about myself and I think that that when you're gay you put out some sort of I don't know if it's fair a moment whatever and the other person picks up on it so whatever I was putting out not realizing it was not received by men men always like came up to me like a buddy high five and immediately there was always a very buddy type of relationship So I never really dated

I didn't have I went on a few dates with guys But I never had like a serious boyfriend or anything like that Because I was just friends with with males But I had I had I been Had I had someone in my life or dated someone like that I might have had sex but it just did not have it When was the first time you looked at a woman And ripped a fucking shirt off

It was like when that age I came out 25 25 yeah So I was a little bit of a bit of a late bloomer. If I started earlier, I'd probably be, I'd probably had licked ass. Because I was a late bloomer. It was too far down on the totem pole, you know? The same way.

No, because he spent the last two podcasts saying I should look ass. I have no interest. You don't want to do that? What is the, who does it pleasure the most, the person getting the ass licking? or the person doing it. Who benefits? Let me ask you a question. You're driving home at the end of a long day.

You know what I'm saying? Your dog got hit by a car. Your mother died of leukemia. That's quite a day. You got one thing going for you. That's a worst day. That's somebody linked your ass all at some point in your life. That's what you're a winner?

Yeah, like my dog got hit by a car, but guess what? Yeah. And 82, a girl lapped my ass like it was fucking honey and she had no fucking spoons. There you go. You know, I mean, no. I don't know. I didn't like it. You weren't into it.

I like having sex with a woman had eaten her ass as part of the whole thing, like late night, you know, like a different part of it. It's like you have seven fucking, you go to a French restaurant they give you three dishes. The same thing,

you gotta suck the titty, you gotta suck the monkey, and then you gotta get the dessert in the assort you gotta get the, it's a fortune cookie. Yeah. Oh, man, Joey. I'm learning so much.

I'm learning a lot too. Me too. I learned something new every day. It's Monday morning. If you can't drop fucking knowledge, what you do? I know. I feel like this particular episode will inspire more people to go out there and try it. Well, I should try something.

Something's got to work. You got to change things up every now. So what do you think about your future? I mean, you had a TV deal for a while with my girl there? Yeah, I mean. You don't stop. I don't stop. I do a lot.

That's why, you know, we were saying I haven't been around the comedy scene here. in L.A. lately. I have a weird trajectory with my stand-up. I told you, you know, I started at a comedy store. And then by, I started in 2007, I got Chelsea lately in 2011. I went from a fairly new comic to that show, which was very popular at the time. I became, I went from new comic to headliner, like that. So I had to like learn how to become, I didn't get the opportunity to go on the road with

people as a feature as an opener. I would have love the experience of watching other comments. I would watch them coming up at the story, you know, but I didn't get to learn from anybody on the road. I was just like figuring it out. What was the experience like when you first got thrown out there? How many years have you been on stage when you first got thrown out there at the headline? I started to stand up at the beginning 2007. I was headlining by summer of 2010 because I did last comic standing.

And then Chelsea Lately back to back. And so I was terrified. I had gone from just trying to figure out my 15-minute spot at the store to like, oh, now I got to perform minimum 45 minutes. But that's where my Groundlings training came into play. I started doing a lot of audience. I started talking to the audience a lot. I started doing a lot of crowd work until I could get my material build up. But so basically, like, since then, I've just been hustling.

I went from Chelsea lately to acting. acting has kind of come to the forefront for me. Bill Burr always gets mad at me. He's like, quit this acting crap. You're a stand-up. Get out there. And so I've been focusing more on stand-up lately. Not that I'm pushing acting aside. But I don't know. I'm just doing everything I can to just work. You know, I did the Mindy Project for three seasons and then I did this NBC show last year. But this last year, I've been not only getting back into stand-up a lot, I've always toured. I never stopped touring, but I've been trying to work on my new hour. I want to try to sell a special. I've done two half hours, but never a full hour special. For somewhere, I don't know,

but I, I just feel like until I know the two half hours. Oh, the one one half hour is Comedy Central and one was for Netflix. They did like this series of half hour. Right, right, right. But I feel like until you do your hour special, you know, that's like a coveted thing for stand-ups. And I really want to make that special. And so I'm working on that. And then I've been developing a lot of stuff. I sold two movies that I wrote with two of my writing partners to Amlin. That's Stephen Spielberg's company.

So we're seeing that through that process. How hard is that process? Oh, writing a movie is hard. That's a hard process. It's really hard. I had sold two TV pilots before that. And they're hard, but nothing near running a movie. Because we've been on this.

we've been working on this one movie for the last two years and wrote and that's just with amblin being attached we were working on it a year before that and it's always evolving always changing and you have to keep up with 130 pages like with a pilot it's like 35 pages you can keep track with 35 pages fairly easy you're like oh I know what happened on page four and page 20 they're not that far apart was 135 to 150 pages you're like Oh my God, I don't know what happened in that scene on page 50. I have no idea. And it changes so much that you're like constantly losing track of your story. But, you know, it's cool to try.

I mean, I hope I get the chance to get to make them. I would be in the movies if they got made. Now, let me ask you this. When you went to pitch them, you went to pitch a thought or you walked in there with the script prepared. The first one. The first one I sold, we sold as a script. I had done a tiny part in this movie called an office Christmas party. I played this Uber driver.

And Stephen Spielberg's company produced it. And they were like, or they was the studio. And they were like, hell, we want to work with you. What do you got? And I was like, well, we've been working on the script and they bought it. And so that was really cool. But then you go through a bunch of rewrite processes with that. And then the second movie we sold to them in October, we sold as a pitch.

We went in there and told them the idea. I mean, you think it out really in detail. We worked on an outline for like six months, and then you go pitch that. And they bought that, and then we just turned in the first draft. People have no idea how many stars have to be aligned. Oh, so many. For either a pilot, a TV show.

I saw so many people have three drinks in them and go, my pilot gets picked up. I'm going to make you the bartender. When my pilot gets picked up, I'm going to make you this. My pilot gets picked up. And it never happens. I still remember people who did deals with Dave Letterman. Yeah.

And they would be bragging. And those are the worst ones to get business with. Oh, I know, right. Because CBS don't want to deal with him. They don't want to deal with David Letterman. They know a red tape. They want people who don't know what they're doing so they could smack them around. Right.

Take notes and tell them you'll never work again. But if you get Conan O'Brien, Conan's going to go, shut the fuck up. Right. So they never. So I saw all those comics that went through the little process. Yeah. I saw comics that, you know, shot the pilot. And one of the, Carlos Bucet was one of the highest rated pilots of all time.

Really? That's a well-known fact. A 100% across the board. Yeah. A Barney Miller show in his heyday. Right. 96, 97. Mm-hmm.

The last minute. I know another girl who sold a show and they shot. 11 episodes of NBC. And didn't there any? Didn't there any. Oh, that would be painful. You know? So you never really know where you stand.

All you can do is thank God I'm here today. Thank God this check is clearing today. They got craft service. They got bagels. They got locks. Yeah. They got onions. I'm good for today.

People really don't understand the process. And then the notes. Oh, yeah. And you're taking notes not from a comic. You're taking notes from a comic. college student. Yeah, or somebody who's no knowledge of comedy. Yeah. No, you know, went to Syracuse. I'm not putting down anybody from Syracuse. I'm just saying that they're the managers and agents and a lot of people you deal with. Yeah. And you went to school for four years. In turn, we've been at

groundings for seven years. Yeah. On stage. Fighting at the comedy store for five and on the road, you got to listen to what the fuck was saying. Yeah. You know, when Chappelle did that thing with Comedy Central, I knew what that was about. It was about some guy coming and telling me who's got the number one show what time it is. Do yourself a favor. Get the fuck out of this room. Go get your fucking degree from USC fucking acting school and go show it to somebody who matters. We're over here in the trenches.

That's why we respected Roseanne at the beginning. Roseanne told the network go fuck themselves in the early hour. Her goal was to beat Cosby. When they beat Cosby, they tried to go on her accept responsibility. She's like, no. It was me who had picked the staff of writers. I know exactly what was going to work. Your guy's idea was not going to work.

Right. You know, when you look at the Rocky story, they wanted Bert Reynolds for the part of Rocky. They wanted Ryan O'Neill for the part of Rocky, you know. It's like they come to you tomorrow and they go, we love this. But for this role, we think this guy, you're like, 100% that I can happen. Fucking crazy.

Yeah. I don't want that guy in my fucking movie. And that's the crazy part. And I learned that I sold a pilot. in 2015 and it was for ABC and Tina Faye was the producer and right I remember that yeah Annie Potts played my mom John Carroll Lynch was my dad and we shot it and it tested really really high and you you have all the stars you think are aligned you think one of the co-creator was a 30 rock writer with me and and then all of a sudden you just get that phone call that's like ah

we loved it but it's not happening And, you know, it's a huge, I think I learned more from that no than anything in this business. I mean, it felt like shit, you know, because it was my story. It was based on my life. And it almost felt more personal like you're being told no because it's based on you in your life. That was one of the hardest knows I've ever gotten. I felt like shit. And I hate this, but it made me put my computer away for like a year.

I did not develop. I did not write anything for like a year. And then after I finally like came out of that, I was like, fuck that. Like I'm going to keep making stuff. I'm going to make this happen. And I've been writing for the last two and a half years nonstop. How disciplined are you? I'm not as disciplined as I want to be when it comes to writing stand up.

I really need to be better about making myself right. The problem is I get so busy writing these other things that, stand-up sometimes goes to the wayside. But when it comes to movies and TV stuff, I'm very disciplined. I have two writing partners, and we, every day we get on the phone at 10 a.m. And don't stop until 4, and we do it Monday through Friday. Really? How did you get off today?

Well, we just started a new idea. And I just, and we've been working on it all week, and I just said, can we just pick this back up when I, because I'm in, I'm in London this whole week and from the fourth through the ninth. Where you performed at? The Soho Theater out in London. And you sold out all those shows? They're not sold out. I mean, they've been doing well.

I don't think they're sold out, but it's been a good, it's a good turnout so far. Where else are you going on? Why are you there? Just London doing six shows there. And then I'm going to go to Paris for fun for a few days. You're bringing the fiancé. Oh, yeah. Maybe we'll get into that ass licking.

Oh, yeah. No, she'll never, she'll never get a little. You put one of those fringes up her ass. No, she would never. You like the fucking anchor for maybe the KTLA guy. Oh my God. I was listening to that on Stern. Can you believe that shit with a mask on?

Fucking getting fist fucked. But that's when you're like, you know. That's not gay. You don't think that's gay? He had a guy with him, didn't he? He was with a dude, wasn't he? Yeah, I don't think that's gay. I like when two men are together and they love each.

other. Come on, show it. And they fuck each other up the ass and they go to the movies and they share books. That's just a good friend. Your romantic is fucking distorting. It's just like, you know what I'm saying? But it seems pretty gay to me. No, I could see a woman putting the fucking strap on on.

Like he would be having fun with their wife. You know, that's what it calls for. I don't know where fist fucking comes in that category. When I see gay guys marching, SNM or SNM stuff. When I see gay guys marching. They look really cute. That's gay. And they're dancing to...

No, that's beautiful. It's love. Now where in that, is there a fist in somebody's ass? That we know of. With shit on your fingernails. You understand me? You can't be satisfied with a regular dick. All right, switch up.

Go upgrade to a nice big black Nigerian dick like Jesse Smolet. Get one of those fucking Pogo sticks. That if there's an earthquake, you can hang on to it. And you can look like one of those motherfuckers of Katrina on that black dick. But a fucking fist? Yeah. Look at the size of this fist.

Have you? Would you want this? Anybody want this? That's a fucking ass. No, no. Maybe the guy had small wrists. I was looking at Mike Tyson's hand in the other day. I'm like, what if he ever fist fucked that dude?

That dude would be dead. This would destroy you. Right here. Yeah. And he was getting fisted in the butt? Yeah. How do they know that? Yeah.

How do they know that? Once they do the autopsy and they can fit a fucking tonkotoy in your ass. You know what I'm saying? While I'm doing the autopsy and I flip you. and I go, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Look at this. And all of a thing you go, hello, and you hear goodbye.

Yeah. And there was only one other person in the room. And he's sitting there with a guilty look on his face. And the dirty fingernails. And dirty fingernails. He's trying to wipe his fucking hand off. Do you wear a glove? I mean, if I put my hand up somebody's ass,

I hope that you would wear one of those long dish gloves or something and you loop it down. But if you're into that kind of stuff, you're not wearing a glove. I'm not into that, but I'm just saying. No, no, not you, just a person. It really disturbed me. That and Jesse Smollett last week really fucked with me. Yeah. Because on one hand, you know, I see how hard everybody works to be fucking accepted.

Right. You know, I love goofing on people and I love having a good time. But I also see them people just trying to be accepted. We have a dear friend who's a gay comedian. I love them to death. You know, my little buddy Ian, I love him to death. That doesn't mean nothing to me. but even gay people

walking you know like gay guys at a bar and all of a sudden this guy was fist fucking even they would go like Hollywood gay guys would go you know what I'm saying

it's like it's a lot my friend was at a party one night and he was friends with the gay couple and they had like other gay couples over there yeah

and somebody mentioned a comic friend to his and the one guy goes let me tell you something I went to the comedy store and saw that guy he said queen

He said, what's the chick that got killed in the car wreck? Princess Diana? I went down there, that guy called Princess Diana, a cunt. And he goes, the whole room of gay guys went, at the same time. That's gay. I love that stuff. Yeah.

But nowhere in the gay manual. Do you hear about fist fucking. A double fist fucking with two meth rocks up your ass. The meth rocks is crazy. Disco lights. Why didn't he was married with a kid? And you're like, whoa. Yes, I'm very offended, Lee.

Yes, I'm very fucking offended that you were let. I did Coke for 27 years. You never put it up your butthole. Never, not even thought about it. Not even one finger. Not even one night when I sit there and go, wait a second, I need to be a little bit higher. Because I heard when I first moved here. Yeah.

I had an agent for a while. And he was old school Sinatra age, but he was old school flame. He was a theater agent. And he was very dear. He was a great agent to me. He didn't get me out enough, but when he got me out, you're like, damn! Yeah.

Like, he didn't get you out ten times a year. He got you out six. But you were in front of heavy, fucking duty people. Oh, that's cool. And when they took him out to lunch, and he was just telling me about the 70s gay scene in Hollywood and how you would go on Ivar by the gold gym. On Ivar, is it?

Between Santa Monica. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a different street. There's a gold... Near Gower. Gower, yeah. He goes there.

That's where all the underground game places were. Oh, really? And there would be a red light would be on. And those red lights, that means you went downstairs, and they would put ecstasy and burn it down with Viagra and put it in turkey basters. And he would shoot up your ass. And when he was...

It's like me going to you. Let me tell you something about last night. I went to a fabulous party. You'll never get. I'm going to forget. I'll tell him to go because my friends and I. Because I had never forget. His office was across the street, Laurel Canyon and Ventura.

If you go north, there's a Starbucks on the corner. Yeah. If you cross that street and take 10 steps, he was upstairs. Okay. And I would sit upstairs. You know, he was real close to me. I would come up to do other things and I'd stop in his name. And I can't even say his name.

I would go up there and say, what's going on? You know, my God. Like, I've been calling you. for three days what happened oh my god yeah that turkey baster up his butt you put the Viagra and the ecstasy and you put the turkey oh holy cow and just go off the fucking rails again i've mugged some people uh-huh i've done some crazy things i never thought of putting a turkey baster up your ass who would you trust with a turkey base to be the one in charge of the dosage lee come here for a second no i mean i would get the dosage ready yeah but then i'm like lee someone's got a

do it. Yeah, but if you're gay, I think you don't care who's doing it. You're just like, put it up there. What is cool? I like that you're, you've always been so accepting of gay people because sometimes, you know, you're just, you seem like the type who's kind of like, hey, you do your thing, I'll do my thing. My mother had a bar and we were involved in Santa Maria. My mom had a lot of gay friends growing up. And when I was about seven, there was one I used to always go to beef with. I would always go to war with him because he would say things to me one of these days I'm gonna fuck you

Oh God Yeah like right in front of my mother My mother would go leave alone Will you please? Yeah He would say crazy shit to me And one day I said to him Say that again

I hope you fucking die cock sucker Two days later he died No Oh no No He died My mom sat me down She goes that's why you don't say

That shit to people Yeah And then we had a lot of gay friends But there was one that really at that age I didn't understand it didn't matter to me I didn't know what Marikong meant his name was Madina Marikong

that's what they called him on the street That was part of his nickname That was his name on the street And Martina Marikon was a seamstress For a big time play like cats No it wasn't cats Because I was 12, 13, 11 And I was just getting into music

Yeah Was this in Jersey? This is in North Jersey Yeah And before he went into the city at night, he would stop at my mother's bar and have a drink. Yeah. Some nights he would have a broken wrist. Some nights he would have a black eye.

Really? Some nights he would have a thick lip and I'd go, what happened? And he'd go to CBGB's and he'd say the fucking guys down the corner, they'd jump us every night. Oh, really? This is 1970 when gay guys were still getting jumped. And New York was hardcore. And New York was hardcore. They had their own area, but it was hardcore.

Yeah. I didn't know he was putting his dick up people's asses of people. I was too young to fathom. Right. What enamored me to him was that he always spoke to me. He found Tom to talk to me. And he would always tell me the band he saw last night. Yeah.

Like he would see the clash and, you know, the fucking guy who did heroin, and he would talk about all those bands to me. And I would hear about CBGB, but I would hear about CBGB, but I was too young. And then something happened one day that changed my whole view. In the corner of the bar, there were these two bookmakers that were brothers.

And they would sit there from 10 to 4 and drink. And one day Martin came in, and there was a shuffleboard. Yeah. Behind. So Martin was here, and those two guys were Lee's picture. You see Lee's picture?

Mm-hmm. And the long guy goes, hey, hey, look who it is. Matilla Marikon. Mm-hmm. And Martin put like $5 on the bar. And he fucking pulled the gun out of his jacket. And he pointed out of the two guys and he goes,

Oh, shit. Until you suck my dick. Oh, I suck your dick. Don't ever disrespect me and call me my ding and Marico. And my mother started yelling because one of the guys had a gun. Yeah. And the guy's like, what the fuck is your problem? He goes, what I told you.

Don't you ever disrespect me again? Yeah. And my mother kept yelling. Martin put the gun down. Coquitos right behind you. If he would have pulled out his gun, of a shootout right yeah so uh he looked he didn't look at my mother he told my mother that he needs to see this yeah even though i'm a fag you got to respect me like a man right

okay don't you ever call me that he put the fucking gun away and my mom started telling him you're not allowed in here no more get the fuck up martin how can you do something like that martin went and got a bus and arnardo and the other guy started saying next time we see him we're going to put a bullet him and all this shit. And two days later, I was home at my house, and he knocked on the door. I didn't even know it was him. Yeah.

I go, what's up, man? He goes, listen, I thought about what happened. And I was very disrespectful for pulling that gun out in front of you. Things could have happened. I just wanted to apologize to you myself. I'm going to go apologize to your mother now. And then he was always my mother's friend after that.

But when he apologized to me, I remember saying to him, no, no, no, no. You're my hero. Yeah. Like you pulled a gun out of somebody. I never saw, like I saw my stepdad pulled a gun on somebody. And he was serious. Yeah. That's like an out of a

movie. And all those beatings were him getting jumped every night. So I kind of I asked him once, what happened to your hand? Three fucking and he would call them fagots. Everybody on him and they jumped on me and beat me. That's where it was unsettled.

Like being gay was not settling then. And I became friends with him and we were friends to live on 1981 till I robbed them and then Did you really rob him? Yes

Oh man And even then He knew I would go to my mother's grave So he would leave notes at my mother's grave When I see I'm gonna kill you Oh my God Have you written this shit in a movie? I told this story

In a I don't know one of the This is not happening Yeah That guy always stuck with me I feel like you got so many good stories. Oh, no, we got all day. But it's funny that I just always, one of my dearest friends when I was eight,

I mean, he was gay. Yeah. You know, like he was fucking chicks like a motherfucker. Really? Yeah, he was 16 because in 1976, you just couldn't come out of the closet. In 1980, you just didn't come out of the closet and got accepted. You came out of the closet. family would throw you out of the house.

Yeah. Especially if you're Italian or from Jersey. Right. You know, it's like a girl from Jersey dating a black guy. You're done. You can't even come to the neighborhood no more. You know, they won't respect you. I'm sorry.

I'm not that way, but there are people that think that way. But you weren't that way because you had friends. Like, I feel like it's the people that don't have friends or like don't have a personal connection to a gay person. I have never. I could tell you, look at you in the eye and tell you this. I've had 50. to 100 gay friends. I was involved with drugs,

and I'd never had a gay man come to me. Come on to me. Not even as a joke. Like sometimes, oh, you're looking good today, Joey, don't make me show my friends to you. Yeah. They like, what my friend used to say,

I had a gay acting coach for a while. He would go up. My place, they love bears like you. He would always call me a bear. Yeah, bear. Yeah, he would always say, I don't get insulted by that. It's if you grab my cry.

Yeah, you don't want that. I've never been disrespected by a gay. man. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever at all. I don't think anyone would want to disrespect you, though. You have that thing that kind of commands respect. If you want respect, you got to give respect. I have robbed gay man's, grab gay man's asses. Yeah.

I took a gay guy's hand and put it on my dick one time. Not on raw, but over the jeans. Eric. Not raw. Eric, I would never do that. Just to break the ice. Yeah. I want you to be nervous.

Yeah. Hey, buddy. Come here. Come here, you cute little motherfucker. Let me slap me in the ass. And they go crazy because they expect a guy like me not to like them. Yeah, that's why I'm. They expect a guy like me to reject them.

If I know you're gay, I will out of those shoes. You know, like when you get on the plane and the store this is as gay as a three-nine-old-old. Right. Oh, some way. That motherfuckers, I lay into from the time. Yeah. Your head do is magnificent tonight. But see, that's the thing that's great about you.

Yes. You're goofing on them, but at the same time, they're loving it. Yeah, because you are showing acceptance. Oh, my God, I have now seen those shoes since Cats, 1982. Oh, my God, I love cats. That's because we don't expect it from, you know, I would think people would think of you like as a tough guy. Who's the best hugger at the comedy store? Justin Martin there.

Nobody gives you a better hug than Justin Martin there. That's true. Nobody. When Justin Martin Hill hugs me my back brace a little bit. I get a little sensual. And I remember it's Justin. He's my friend. I can't be coping the feel off it.

But I think Justin's been a good influence on the guys at the store, you know? And Adam Barnhart. I don't. I've never really heard, especially in my world, and I'm a dirty motherfucker. I've never said, I'm not going to eat that fad comedian. I've never. We're all brothers. Nobody gives a better hug.

Justin Martindale. And nobody was a bigger comedy friend to me when I was on drugs than your boy. When I was having my problems, he was there for me. He was clean for a long time. Yeah. Who you're talking about? Upstairs, Sunday nights.

Oh, Adam. Yeah. There was a time when he was Captain A.A. Yeah, right. He was struggling. He was struggling. And we would talk on the phone. Yeah.

And had nothing to do with us. When it comes to that shit, listen, man. my mother didn't raise me to be like hateful of me no no no no I love that I love that now pedophiles I'll fuck your shit up I used to drag those nuts in county park

and fucking beat the fuck out of them you would good yeah those guys that come over that are confused they want to come over and get their dick sucked by 16 year old boys we would beat them up yeah time to time

I mean there might not even be a way for you to answer this well he was saying like we have a close gay friend I've always had gay friends. Do you think it's a different experience for the gay guys versus gay girls? Or is it similar? Yeah. You think it's different?

I think it's harder for, I think it's harder for gay men to get accepted around straight men. And I think straight men give lesbians a little more leeway. I think it's changing. But I feel like I would get accepted by men because there was no third. threat there. They're like, oh, it's just like a buddy. It's like a buddy. Versus like some straight men don't feel comfortable around gay men.

I never thought about that. Yeah. What was that? I'm sorry. Just that she feels like it's harder for gay guys to get accepted rather than a lesbian. Like, I feel like a lot of straight men aren't as accepting of gay men. They're like, feel threatened

or feel uncomfortable. But I think, straight men don't seem as intimidated by lesbians. Now. Now. Between us, us talking. My mother encouraged me to be friends to everybody.

My stepfather, on the other hand, could not be in a room if there was a gay man in that room. Yeah. Yeah. He would not let a gay man touch his head. He wouldn't spit on a gay guy, but he wouldn't go out of his way to make conversation with him. His inner, his mental, his beliefs in a young word.

He told me, he goes in Cuba, if you were gay, the parents would take you shark hunting. Because it was like a shame. Oh, really, yeah. You know, if you look at the... In the Latin community, it's really tough. No, some parents are 100% accepting. Right. The ones, the revolutionary cute.

Like, if you watch Celia, she had a brother. Uh-huh. They killed that mother brother. Really? If they took over, killed that little gay boy. You know, that wasn't big. Now, Cuba does what they do, whatever. Yeah.

But my, the two generations before me, they were raised to be, I walk into a barbershop. There's a gay guy, I got to walk out. Yeah. I didn't know. I would say, I would ask them, you're embarrassing me. I'm not going to stand in there with that faggotty, yell it. Really?

Yeah. Really? So that's the thing. Yeah. Some people are raised to that. And some people, I look at them as human beings. I had fun with them and I write jokes. That's the best way to be.

I used to get drugs at Ramrods. When I was 19, I used to go to a gay. It's called Ramrods. It was a super-sized three floors of fucking gay shit. Lesbians on the second floor with lingerie. There were lesbians. Swap and spit, listening to like soft jazz. Oh, yeah.

The first floor was gay guys. And the third floor was the people who want fists up their ears. Which I never knew. You didn't go up to that floor. No, that's where you got to get the third floor, the game of debt. Oh, really? You had to go to the top floor to get the goods. Everyone's ramming each other up there.

Oh, my God. I saw a guy giving a blow job, whatnot if there was a work of art. Nobody could suck a dick like a man. Did you learn anything by watching? No, I watched him. Well, the guy was upside down that he was blowing. Oh, my God. So all the blood was in his head.

So when you suck somebody's dick in their blood's in their head, your dick ain't got nowhere to go. So this guy was sucking his dick at the speed of motion. like a choo-choo train. You know, see like those wheels on the chichin train. And he was focused, and he was just looking at the guy's balls.

He was in perfect throat. It was like he learned from the Russians. Perfect throat usage. You ever see a Russian run? They run perfect. And back is straight. Yeah, the whole... And I didn't learn nothing,

but I was like, damn. You were just impressed. Yeah. I'm going to get a dick sucking. That's the way to go from a small nickel. Maybe $10, whatever he's working. Oh, that you meant $500. You meant $5?

In those days, it was the, the 80s. A gay guy would suck your dick for small five dollars. A cute guy like yourself? I would expect it to be at least 10. I already discussed when I'm going to pimp you out when things get rough. Oh yeah? Oh yeah. He has a couple

different scenarios. I'm going to put them on that app grinder and send him to different... That's what I'd do from KTLA. Met that guy. Yeah, that's the place. That's the place. That's the most motherfuckers will kill you. They'll cut your head and put it in the refrigerator like Dahma and then jerk off when your little skull every fucking day. You got to be careful online now.

They open up your mouth in the freezer. Yeah. Are you on any dating sites? I'm on Tinder and bumble. My buddy's on Grindr and that's pretty intense. Well, yeah, because they just want to fuck. Yeah, they don't care at all. You could drop him off anywhere, our friend.

He's like, he'll get out of the car anywhere. And he puts the app out. He presses a button. He gets like a signal, like a bat, like Batman. A gay bat signal. A gay bat signal hits the top. And before, you know, the car's pulling up before we make the corner. Those gay guys have it down to a science.

It's so interesting. But that's because there's no woman to pump the brakes. You got two dudes, just horny fuckers, just like, let's get to it. It's the woman who's always like, oh, wait, wait. How did you meet your fiance? I met her at Gay Pride in Chicago. Really? Yeah, we were, I was there just hanging out, and she was there.

We had mutual friends, and we just started talking. as lesbians do we've basically been together ever since have you had exes have you have a couple exes out of there yeah I mean I definitely dated people before her exes call you up and say you're fucking big time now I bet they pop up here and there for sure because they don't want to be friends with me still and I some of them I don't want to be friends with and some of them I would am friends with I just don't see them very much but you know you definitely have those people who because I

I'm on television or whatever. They think I'm successful. They are trying to continue to be in my orbit. But, you know, you just let that, I mean, because I'm engaged now. Like, we've been together three and a half years. Like, I know there are lesbians who are friends with their exes, but I'm just kind of like, I'm just living my, like, why? You know, like, I've got my fiancee word living our life.

And I don't, I have a lot of friends. I don't need to necessarily go hang out with my exes. You know what I mean? When are you getting married? When is it date with? We don't have a date, but probably probably next year. Tell me about your ideal wedding.

Well, I don't want that traditional ceremony. You know, I don't want to like be in it. Well, I can't be in a lot of churches. They don't allow it. I'm not allowed to do that. I'm not allowed to do that. I want to be on a fucking horse. I want to be on a horse, Joey.

Nothing like that. I don't want more. I think I want like the ceremony part to be like how a rehearsal dinner would be. Like just dinner with my. with my friends and family and get married in front of like 20 people. But I want a big party. I don't, I only care about a big celebration. So the wedding, what I would invite people to

would just be like what the reception would be at a wedding. But without all the ceremony. Your family, everybody's good? Yeah, everybody's good. What are you doing in Carolina or in Chicago? Probably here. Here? Yeah, I've been out here 16 years.

And what are you fucking poor folks going to do in North Carolina? They'd come out here. Jesus Christ. I'm not getting married in North Carolina. Fucking. Nice in the Rocky Mountains. They chase me with a Bible out of there. Nice.

No, people in my hometown are really cool about it. But I just, all my friends are here. I don't want to make a bunch of people have to fly to North Carolina, you know. So it's easier for my family to come here. I don't know where we'll get married. I mean, it's everything so expensive. But I'm really hoping Martha Stewart will just throw me a wedding. I just kept married

I don't know One of those chapels on Wosha You have those fake chapels You're going there And you can put the set That's why I got married Really? They have a chapel on

Coldwater That little brown thing And you turn it to whatever you want You can have little pictures of Elvis They'll put a different screen You and get at the Grand Canyon You and her And then rent down the fucking hall

I rented out the hall At the Hollywood Bowl Oh yeah On a Wednesday There's a hall at the Hollywood Bowl Yes Before you get the Hollywood Bowl Down the corner

There's a little hall. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. It's like 60 people, but there's rocks behind there. Yeah. And we were going outside and smoking. Uh-huh. And I got married.

When did you get married? How long was it? 2009. Okay. And I got married on Walsha. Uh-huh. We picked up fried pork chunks from Elko Chinito. Uh-huh.

But strami from Langas, the best fucking Jewish sandwiches in town. Uh-huh. And we picked up 100 pieces of fried chicken from Rouse. They cooked it fresh for us because my wife from the, the South yeah and no gifts allowed yeah I didn't want any gifts I didn't want nobody to feel stressed right right dress how you want if you can't come it's cool yeah and it was one of the best weddings I ever went that we had little music yeah dance I cut a cake there you go and I don't I don't like weddings that are drama no I don't want

some long boring drawn-out thing you know yeah no I'm happy you got on here today I Me too, Joey. I didn't know that you were a writer and all that stuff. Yeah, it means a lot to get to do this because, you know, it's coming up at the comedy store, I was, I'm a little shy. Like, people don't know that about me because I play crazy characters, but I'm a little shy. So when I was coming up at the store, I had a tendency to sort of be more of the observer. I would kind of be in the corner watching people.

And I'm friends with plenty of stand-ups, but I didn't really put my, myself out there in the way that everybody knows each other so well. And I would have like nice individual relationships with standups, but I never felt like I was like one of the guys or one of the crew. But like the standups have been so nice to me. And in the last couple of years, especially, it really reached out to me. And I really just appreciate people. I don't know.

The other standups showing me love and showing me respect. It means a lot to me. You know how tough it is in the stand-up business to get men's respect? You have any idea? You either got to suck our dick. Which is not happening. Or drive us to the next game. You have to do something.

Right. When I look at you, when I look at Eliza and everybody, I give you all the same respect. I have a six-year-old. What happens if my fucking little retard here wants to get to comedy? Right. I want, you know, there's only a retard. We get into comedy. Right.

But what if my little retard wants to get into comedy, I want her to get the same respect, I give you, that I give Whitney, that I give any other woman comics out of Tiana, doesn't matter. You've earned the respect. You've gunned it out there with men.

You know, my mother was one of you. You know, not a lesbian. Right, right. Not really one of you guys. Yeah. Yeah. that you walked into a room and you go, I'm here. If you fold, you're done.

You can't show us your fear. That's very tough for a woman. I had a birthday party a couple weeks ago, and I invited mostly men. A couple girls. I did that for a reason. So my daughter could feel comfortable around a group of men. She learns how to have confidence. She learns how to compose herself.

You shut the fuck up. I even tell me to shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up. When you have a woman that knows how to say that, Because a guy will say, you don't know what you're talking about. Shut the fuck up. No, bitch. You shut the fuck up.

And what? What, motherfucker? I'll cut you in his head with this bottle. Yeah. And that's how you get respect from men. Yeah. Men walk out of the room going, fuck.

I'm never saying that in a fortune again. You know what I'm saying? You don't get it by arguing and then crying at the end of the conversation. You don't get it. That's when we fuck with you. I guess I should give thanks to my two older brothers for beating the shit out of me. Give me a fucking. Back in the same.

What nationality are you? Like Irish. Yeah. Listen, there's no tougher people in the world on an Irish sister who had nine brothers. Yeah. Because we've done everything. I get punched. If they didn't kill you.

I get punched. If they didn't kill you, they put you under the hamper. Remember when they put you in the hamper and lit them? And they sat on top of that and blue cigarette smoking there. Irish brothers do all that shit for their sisters. They said when I was a kid, they would like try to get me to come towards the steps, to fall down the steps. They'd be like, come here.

They were little shit heads. But I guess it doesn't make you tougher. but I just, yeah, I've had a lot of really great stand-ups be really good to me. Bill Burr has been like one of the best dudes to me. A lot of, just so much respect from the guys at the comedy store. We see it. We see it.

I know who's faking, I know who's down there pulling down her shirt to show me cleavage. Yeah. And I know who's up there. Oh, I'm going to show you some titty. Oh, right. All right. I'll show him to leave a picture on the front. Where are you performing this week?

I'm in London all week. Because we have a lot of family. We have a lot of church. family in London. I'm in London. So, yo, do you a thing. Tacoma, Washington, Kansas City, St. Louis,

Columbia, Missouri, all those are in Missouri, and Houston, Texas. So come out to a show. Speaking of Houston, I will be in Houston this week. Yes. Fortune, thank you again

for being on the show. Christ Killer. Yes, sir. Who loves you more than me? No, sorry. Houston, I'm coming, and I think all the shows are sold out.

A four out of five is sold out, so get your shit together. It's all over, but they're shouting. I'll be there this weekend, all right? And now for a word from our sponsors. All right, I want to thank Fortune Feimston. I want to thank the fucking Christkiller, Extraordinary.

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