The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #667 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: March 18, 2019

Steve Simeone, a stand up comedian, seen on "This Is Not Happening" and heard as the host of the "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 50% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer.   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded on 03/17/2019.  

Greetings from Podcastville. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by My Booky. Let me tell you something. The first weekend of the NCAA tournament is the greatest betting event of the fucking year. Whether you like filling out brackets, picking a national champion, predicting the first round upsets, all the above, my bookie is the perfect home for your March Madness fun. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. There's the church family.

You're going to get a $50 deposit with My Booky today with promo code church. CHUR-C-H, a 50% sign and bonus. You understand me, you start off the bat with a, if you put a yardstick, boom, you got a yard and a half now, ready to bet fucking all the teams. That's promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H. With my bookie, you play, you win, you get paid. Listen, real quick, this is one of my favorite fucking companies in the world

because they put out the device that's going to save your fucking life, okay? Uncle John, he's here to tell you. Don't cut your dick off. the suffering ends now. With Manscape, you can get it done without the pain. They got precision. Listen to me. Precision tools for the family jewels.

You don't want nothing fucking nick in your nutsack. You ever go down on the chicken, she's got those little knickers on the side. And next thing they're going to get like a little red thing on your face. No, no, no, no, that's shit. People could suck your dick with confidence. I got a handheld razor with skin-safe technology. So it won't snag or nick your ball sack with a fucking stick of debt. You got to go easy.

that fucking pole of debt. So listen, they got the crop preserver, they got the revival, they got a ball wipe, that you can wipe your ass too. Don't just save it for your balls. Flip it over. Get two uses out of one. Do me a favor. The church listeners, go to get 20% off your first order when you use promo code church at manscape.com. Again, that's manescape.com. And if you order the perfect package, they also throw in a free motherfucking travel bag, which is bad to the ball. I got it in my suitcase. When you use code, Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. That's Manscape.com.

Use promo code church for 20% off your first order. Keep your balls clean. It's that fucking, you're getting ready for next Valentine's Day. And never forget, my favorite, On It, Onet supplies. Let me tell you something. The Shroom Tech, you see Lee coughing and sick, and I flew last week. Why? I take Immune Tech.

Shroom Tech immune. That's the best thing going. You're on a plane with a bunch of fucking foreigners and half breeds. You got to protect yourself. You know what I'm saying? If not, you gotta wear a fucking mask. Fuck that. Go to honor.com right now, pressing code.

Church. And get 10% off your motherfucking order. Kick this fucking Mulee. It's Monday. The 18th of March. A little talking heads for you, cock suckers. That's right. Large automobile.

How did I get here, cock suckers? It's the church of what's happening now. Keeping it. We got Steve Simone, the makeup. The Christ. killer and your uncle Joey right here. Here we go. This fucking jam kills me now.

Like now it don't fuck with me, but now at this age you hear this and you're like, fuck, whenever I look at mercy, I hear these words. Like, how the fuck did I get here? I was just in Colorado leaving a prison. I was minding my own business and I didn't want to bother nobody. In the blink of an eye. In a blink of a fucking

eye, dog. What's going on? How are you? How are you? I'm doing good. It was great to see you last night, fun night. It was on fire last night. Fucking Josh. punky i mean it was just great to see the fresh faces up yeah you see them back there fucking hauling beers and shit and at one minute they just come up they're going on it's your shot yep you never fucking know you're back there washing dishes yep and they came up to him and then he came on i tried to get the chinese kid on uh ching chow chowman of the board that

that guy i love that dude so much and he's like no he's not a paid regular i'm like might as put him up yeah you know he was sitting he goes thank you but they won't put me up because they're gonna do but seeing punky and josh just earlier in the night lucas rale went up and ripped it too Lucas was done yeah it was great it's weird when you see these people you came up but not Lucas the one with the eight kids no Lucas errol okay the bartender kid okay the other kid looks like opi from the Midwest that kid oh he went up to yeah he did great he lives in my own apartment get out of here yeah and shred it I didn't know that yeah he's He moved in.

He always tells me, I found the grandma blow on the road. Nah, no, no, no. I didn't leave anything at that fucking hell. I had Coke fall in the wall one night, and Terry was up, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to bust that wall. Wait, how does that happen? Because I went to hide it. I used to have a hiding spot above the left.

Like, if you, in any of that, that whole apartment had molding around the door, around the door. Okay. So on top of every molding was always something, a straw. So just in passing, I could get you. just lift my hand up and grab a straw right from if I needed one I would have something on every molding in that apartment a half a gram would blow gram would blow something I had them in all those ledges there was times I wasn't looking for blow and I would find blow wow but I never found blow after I quit I was just going to ask you never found I don't think so I thought I did one time

it's like something else I never really found shit when it was over it was over it was no more what a blessing that's a blessing one time I was in fact that's a blessing one time I was in fucking Ogillow, Nebraska, driving back from Detroit. I was doing a fucking three-nighter in Dearborn, Michigan. And something broke on the car, the axis in the backseat. And here I am in Ogilala, Nebraska. And as they, the girl drove me to the gas station and a fucking guy told the car. And there was a hotel right next to the fucking gas station.

It was a miracle from God that had the $48. I had just gotten paid. I didn't have the 48 and the 90 for the tire. but this is this is what happens on the road this money was going somewhere else but now I'll never forget I was I used to deliver Chinese food in that car wow so I used to weigh out coke in there from time to time and when I lost some coke in there and here I am in Oglein Nebraska and I'm getting all the quarters out I'm getting the rolling papers because I won't have the car for the whole day and something made me look under the seat and there's a

fucking statue of a rock that had been there for like a month I was Rock a Coke just under my seat. That would be like a gram of a half. I took that motherfucker, put it in my little pocket. O'Golalla was tremendous that night. You understand me? I don't even know what the fuck I ate.

When you find shit, it's a surprise. You know, like, that's the last time I got surprised. It's like, find the money in an old jacket or something. You're like, yes. Oh, my God. Such a good feeling. One time I was in the Jersey Shore, and one of us had to go home to get more money.

Like, we were just tapped out. It's Thursday, and the weekend was coming. Nobody had fucking money. All right. And I go, let me jump in the ocean. I take the money. ride up as like an hour and a half bus ride I jumped in the ocean I popped my head up and out there was coming at me a bill and when I went to scab it up it was a $100

bill like oh my gosh and put it in there was a $100 a bill nobody went down the shore we went got hot roast beef sandwiches with Swiss cheese on the boardwalk oh that's great when you find something like that when I find the dollar I'm happy it makes me excited you find a dime when you go to put whatever I put change in the meter I always find chains on the floor that's great especially Especially like in Sherman Oaks, people don't give a fuck. Yeah, they don't give a fuck. What's going on with your life, brother?

Life's pretty good, Jelly. What did you give up for lunch? Sugar. Really? Yeah. I just made sure I would eat fish every Friday like I do. I don't give nothing up. I just give up fucking meat on Fridays and it helps me to fuck out too.

Yeah. Makes you a little more conscious. Yeah. You know what I mean? Every Friday, I get locks and bagels now. Oh, that's nice. That's what's good about length. I always got to get the locks on Friday or yogurt with fruit.

Yeah. You know, a little yogurt. I haven't had my filet of fish yet. I do that once every lent on a Friday to remind me what it was like to be a little kid. Let me tell you. Grab a shamrock shake and a flay of fish. Oh, no. Oh, that's terrible.

That's seven years old. No, no, no, no. What are your forks like after that? I get, I wouldn't have the shamrock shake now, but. No, I get the fucking, the one that you take home. I mean, I'm in white trash, too. Yeah. I love fish, anything.

Yeah. I get the Gordon's. Oh, the fish sticks. The fish sticks. So good. My wife was like, what? the fuck once a year i break down i get a box of fish sticks and i make it get that fucking macaroni salad that they make a gelson's a tar they can't make the dick in this town nothing nothing nothing

we live in los angeles where you think it would be more diverse and shit like that no even the barbecue place i was going to after i went to houston last week you know i guess what it's supposed to case like i'm not going there no more no i'm in fuck i'm in houston that pop a doze getting a bowl of fuck your seafood gumbo for 12 they want 21 $21 for a bowl of gumbo I'm not a cheap dude man but there's a there's a principle involved there's a principle there's something about and you go there and it's never done on time and the brisket was okay last one I went to some people's house it was mercy's friend yeah real cool parents really fucking cool parents and they said we ordered some food are you guys hungry they know they're gonna yeah I'll eat something

and they go, it's like the best barbecue place in the Valley. Oh, my God. That's why I shit four times. I went on here, I shot four times. I woke up with the shit dripping out of my fucking four fucking shit. The brisket just tasted like pot roast with barbecue sauce on it. The macaroni and cheese, they used noodle macaroni. It drives me fucking crazy already.

The beans tasted like somebody fucking whacked off in them. The chicken was okay. It was Menza Motors, but it wasn't a barbecue chicken. It was just playing phone or something. It's so weird when people think, oh, you must eat. People were very impressed with the green apple that night. Yeah?

Green apples are not bad. That night. I've been a couple people. I've been twice since your birthday. Since people were really impressed with it. Not a bad, you know, again, it's Chinese, and you have to restrict yourself, like what to get in there because... Yeah, you've got to order certain things off the menu

because they can do certain things than others. I get to have chicken every time. What's that? To have it in chicken is like a sliced-thin chicken, somebody's cat. You can feel the cuts of the meat. And they little mushrooms on like a light little white sauce with broccoli. I don't eat the broccoli. I get steamed rice.

I just get a cup of rice. It's not bad. The garlic fried rice is when you want to go overboard, and you might as well get the dumplings because nothing brings you back with the garlic fried rice. A couple of that is eight points. Yeah. A couple of regular rice is like six.

So there's really no difference. Yeah, might as well go in it. enjoy it. Yeah, it's all enjoy it. And it's garlic, so you're not eating meat. There's a lot of vegetables in there. So it's really just plain rice that's killing you. All the carbs and the rice.

And that yin-yang sauce, they cook it in because that shit's got a lot of sugars. That's what you got to watch. That's what you got to watch. It has a lot of deep fried. All the stuff I like is deep fried. So that's not I bumped into Steve at the store. And I was talking about this gym I saw. And I'm not looking to join gyms or nothing like that, but this concept was very good.

What it is, it's circuit training. And you can go in. at your convenience. So I was driving the other night, and I saw it, and I go, wow, I was at a light, and on that strip, it's health strip, it's Sherman Oaks. Yep. It's fucking every two things, it's something about health. Yoga, water.

And I guarantee they're banging you out for thousands up there because it's Sherman Oaks. Yep. So I go home, the babies for this day we're talking to, I go, let me go in the living room, let me go on the computer room and just look at the website for this great, fucking, what they're doing is great. I looked up the benefits for people over 50. I had read about this stuff before, that hit training. Yeah.

Where you go all out for three minutes, then you rest for a minute, go all out for three minutes, and you just do like nine stations, and the 32nd breather isn't active. So you're never just standing. Okay. You're always doing something light for those 30, so it burns a lot of fat. It's good for people over 50. Yeah. And it's really good for cardio.

It really lifts your cardio from point A to point Z. So I go, let me go down there and check it out Saturday. My day got too late, but yesterday's Sunday, I go, let me go down there. The girls were at church and I went down there. And here's the thing, guys, your health is number one, right? Absolutely. Without your health, you really can't fucking do dick, you know? You're immobilized.

To do stand-up and to do it successfully every week, you know, every other week and to be on your feet for a long periods of time. That's a workout. It's a workout. When you get back to your room sometimes, you're like, why am I so hungry and I got no points left? Yep. And I gotta dip into the fucking other points. I got left, and then you're like, why am I so hungry?

But they don't have standard. You can't really measure what you're burning on stage during stand-up comedy. You just know when you get back to your room, you're exhausted. You're fucking exhausted. You're all on the sore side, you know. Do you ever wear a heart rate monitor on stage? No, see? Why would I do something like that?

I don't wear a heart rate monitor in real fucking life. Okay. Or going deep today. No wreath. I should have fucking got your eye. I tried to spare you, but I think it's time for you to need a pill. It's time if you need something. Sure, why not?

It's Monday. What the fuck? What else are you going to do with your life? You got nowhere to go tonight, know what to be. You got a little open mic action and shit. Go down there. You'd be a little high. You're above the levels.

A little high. Sure. You need something. Sure. You shake your little head in the beard. That's all gone. Yeah. It's all gone.

Yeah. The agent's happened. The agent made your shave. Yeah, he said I looked younger. He said, I could do more. So we'll see what happens. Sure.

So good. He told me to shame too. Now all of a sudden. I knew. I knew they were going to tell you to shame. I've been here for 20 fucking years. What do you think they'd tell you? I don't know.

I just dealt with you for the first time. And what are you going to do? Get like a little mustache like the guy on the NBC show. And they're known as the mustache. No. Well, right. Let's figure it out. That's fucking weird when they tell you what kind of haircut to get.

That was aging. I would tell me about that shit. I'm going to go fuck themselves. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, I don't want to work that bad. You need three shots. Oh, yeah, he told me what head shots to get? What head shots?

Do you have a tennis racket? Take one with a tennis racket. You as a family man, listen, just get, use that headshot. Get the job you got to get and go on what you're fucking love. It's all kickbacks, right? Like, they get kickbacks from the photographer and stuff like that. The photographer and the whole thing.

Then they have the things that you have to join up for. Yeah. You know, they have all these little packages that you have to join to get seen, you know, the headshot. And that's not. And that's not for either. No. And you got to take this class.

I need you to take a commercial acting class. They get a kickback from that. They get a kick back from that. But you know what? Listen, I'd rather you walk in there with a direction. You're never going to put together an audition on your own. You have to go to them. You have to go to them and get burnt.

You have to go to them and go, why am I going on these things? Yes. And then one day it clicks. And you take a cold reading workshop and you keep going. and then you're getting close. You can callbacks. You got a pin in you, but you're not booking. Then you, in that time, you figure out how to incorporate your stand-up into that audition.

Yes. So now you take it back to Mitsy Shaw. Why does she make you do three-minute spots? Yep. To teach you how to light up a room in three minutes. In three minutes. Everybody will say, I can't do it. It's too hard.

Fuck you. You have to learn how to do it. You have to learn how to do it. You have to learn how to do three minutes because she's trimming the fat off you. So you know how to make your presentation in three minutes. How long is an audition? Three, four, six minutes, depending on where you take it to. You could go in there and read it once and they'll say, very nice to thank you in.

Thank you. Have a great day. Thank you. Have a great day. You know, or you could work with them. Let's read it one more time. Give me a little attitude. Okay, I got a hook somewhere.

Something I did. She saw that I got. Yeah. And now you're right in the way. But you're not going to learn that in two days. You've got to learn that with a manager and an agent that's patient. Yep. That gets you out a couple times.

Yeah, commercial list. Oh, fucking retard could book a commercial. That's why it's so easy to get a commercial agent. Yes. They know. They know that a retard. If you got a missing eye. That might be what they're looking for.

That might be what gets you the job. Look at the book. All you have to do is you ever go to that bookstore and find the book. Samuel French. Samuel French. Both of them are closing? Yeah, that one's closed. Yeah.

Wow. The one on Hollywood. It's about to close, yeah. Well, they have a book called agents, commercial agent. Yeah. And when you open it, they'll tell you what every agency is looking for, comedians. Yeah, what they specialize in and stuff. Oddities.

Yeah, that's what I got. One day I was stoned as fuck and I was reading one of those books. And one of the agencies said they're looking for puppeteers. No, one of the guys on stilts. Stilt Walker. Something like that. I fucking call the agent. I ain't known.

My name is Joey. I'm a stolt walker. Oh, that's great. I got a couple jobs. I had this guy on the phone for like six minutes before he hung up. My guy told me right out. He's like, the only other fat guy I have has red hair,

and it makes him kind of scary. So I think I can do a lot with you. I was like, okay. At least he's honest with you. That's what, you know, that's what you want.

I think Lee's going to book like crazy. Yeah, I think it'll book like crazy. The right thing has to, I mean, it's got to be the right fastball. We'll see. And he keeps saying he's going to send me up for TV and movies too.

Just let me listen. than your guest house when you buy your estate of the hills. I would love to live with you. You know, it's, it's the TV commercial and the commercial, the TV audition, the commercial audition are two different

animals. Yep. And that's a really hard one to cross. It's really hard to cross that bridge. You have to, you know, I finally came to it. I finally surrendered and said stand up isn't fucking coming my way. I better learn this acting game a little bit.

Yeah. So I got involved. You could open. up that door stick. Okay, sure. It's fucking hot today. It's a beautiful day. It's been fucking gorgeous in Los Angeles. The last five fucking days has me, have you dressed

and said, I dressed too hot to go out? Yes. I did that yesterday. Today, this morning, I'm like, I'm going home, I'm taking a shower after this. I'm throwing on shorts and a light fucking shirt. That's what I'm doing now. Because that's it, we're in season again. That's great. Sweat shirt season is all. Goodbye. At night, it's a little

fucking cool, but it's perfect. I love it. So we were talking about this place I went to. So again, I like to sell, I like to be sold how I would sell people. When I go into your spot, whether it's by a stereo, something that I have to contact with you, I want you to sell me how I would sell you. And I'll give you whatever you ask for it. Yeah, if you can tell they really care. I'm going to fuck with you a little bit because it's who I am. I'm going to, you know, like this place yesterday when I went in there.

Right. They wanted a certain fee, $180 a month, and $20 to, let's say, you have to travel. They shut the account down for you. It's $20 to open it and reopen it. All ballet shit. The ballet technology, you had to buy their glove. You had to buy. I'm very happy at my place, but I wanted to see what they had going on.

Yep. And it was so weird that the guy sat me down, and he was like, this is a, what we do here but the yardstick included now first of all i i knew that he like he wasn't the boss okay so i would still have to get approved so i'm gonna i was thinking i going back there on tuesday and just torturing her just to say yeah i'll sign up cash but no fucking waived the annual free yeah because they want an initiation but even that it's not worth it to me it's too much money to 180s a lot of money man i don't spend that on jiu jitza i don't spend that on jiu juts Unless you're a fucking world-class athlete.

It's going in there five days a week. Going in there five, six, seven days a week. Unless that, it really doesn't. I don't need that much attention. I already know what I'm doing in those. I love where I go. I love the conditioning over there. I love the conditioning classes.

I love the jih Tzu program. I love the Muay Thai. I was just checking out what was out there. Yeah. You know, I love where I lift. Where I lift, I love it too. Nice and easy, quick, you end, you're out of there. No drama.

How much is that every month? I take it coming. out the way I paid for it to $77 a session or something like that. Okay. It's like a weird thing. But you're working like one-on-one with a trainer? Yeah. For seven, that's great.

She racks the weight. She does everything. I don't even know what I'm lifting. That's great. She has the stop timer. She's got the fucking pencil. Everything is done by science. She sends me an email the next week of what I did the week before.

I would love to go to a place like that. That I didn't do. I plateaued on my chest. my legs I improved 8%. That's great. So I've been, you know, at this age, I've been really, from what I talk to, Doce, and what I've spoken to guys, experts.

People about, like people who train people. Yeah. Is that I'm trying to look for what's the most beneficial in the time that I have. Yeah. Okay, I will never work out at night. I lose my focus at night. You'll tell me 10 times.

Use your right hand. Use your right hand. After 3 o'clock, 2.30. my shit is bad like that. My alertness is from fucking six to one, maybe two. After that, I can't. It throws everything off.

Everything is thrown off. That's why I try to find the program where I could go right in the morning without procrastinate. That's the secret. That's the secret. I don't even want to think about it. Nine o'clock kickboxing is perfect for me.

There's no procrastinating. I got mercy, boom, she leaves. I jump in the shower, and next thing I'm out of the fucking door to go kickbox. Yep. There's no procrastination whatsoever. I don't have to wait until three or six. If I got to wait till six, I'm not going to go.

I'll fall apart. Yeah, I won't go. I'll fall apart. I don't even like to think on the days where I'm going to jujitsu where it's just like, okay, I got to wake up and just go. Because I'll talk myself out. Yeah, you'll talk yourself out. You should be writing.

Yeah. Or go, you know what? I'll go tomorrow. Yeah. That's why I always do something on Monday. If you don't do something on Monday, today, I already fucking worked out already. If you don't do something on Monday, you're behind.

Monday, you're behind the app. Yeah? Something happened. Now, Tuesday is the biggest audition day there is. If you look at your fucking schedule over the years, you realize that Tuesday is always the beginning of the casting session. Okay. It's the first couple characters.

Then they call you back Thursday, and you shoot in a week and a week and a half. Okay. So Tuesday is a big audition day. That's why I don't like Tuesday activities. I want to get my working out fucking done Monday morning, at least one. I got a jump. Now if something happens Tuesday, I got Wednesday. So that means I got two before I went on the road.

Yeah. I'm definitely going to fucking lift one of those, so I got a lift in there. If I go to a hotel room and they got weights, I'll do the weights. If not, you can walk on the treadmill. Walk on the treadmill, do the elliptical or I'll go to a kickboxing gym. Like usually I go to play. Oh, you find those on the road? Yeah.

Oh, that's great. I look on Uber. I see what it is from the difference from the hotel. If it's more than 20, I don't want to go there. Gotcha. It's too far. It's too far for me. It's going to be 40 minutes out of my way.

But if I Uber and it says fucking 7.50, I'm down there. You know, I'm down now. I'll call the hotel and ask them where the nearest kickboxing gym is before I got on the plane. I always have something. I've never done that. I really want to learn those Muay low kicks. It's interesting because I learned something from Rogan. Rogan always flying one night earlier.

And he had the internet. Rogan always had the internet. But Rogan had a fucking system night. That was brilliant. He's a genius. He'd go downstairs to the concier and ask him, what's the best restaurant in town? And he'd go there with the four of us we'd eat, and he'd tip out $300. Wow.

You know how fast that word gets out? Yeah. The Rogan's in town. So meanwhile, you're paying for fucking Facebook ad. Just go to the baddest restaurant in town. Yeah. And tip out 100 to two people. It's like Sinatra show.

It's like Sinatra. Yeah. And the next day at the fucking show. people were there that were at the restaurant the word gets out they go out you know they go there's a bar staff yes the cool kids

the people yeah they go out of 10 they go to a bar afterward the city starts up jumping and they start talking and there's no better word than the word of mouth it's quicker than fucking anything it's quicker than anything

guess who is at the palm you know that Steve Samo it's such a so you can look at it two different ways I look at it as going to kickbox like I don't want to fucking eat a steak at 10 o'clock at night i don't give a fuck but i'll go kickbox you take a picture with the guys they put up on they all they all they all they're friends they're saying they're the same psychology you know i'm saying and you have a good time and you work out and they'll on the way home they'll give you a right home and they'll have weed yeah yeah they'll have weed

like kansas city zach's gym they were fucking great people when i go to columbus that's a great gym hope yep crew hope is fucking phenomenal uh you know when i go to albuquerque i go to Winkle John. Whoa. And he taught me a little elbow. That's so cool. And I did the podcast. Yeah.

Yeah. So they're all up to it. They're all up. They're into you coming in. When I go to Jersey, they always taught me to come to that one jihitsu place, but they got to beat the fuck out of me. When I go to the stress factory. Yeah.

And New Brunswick, they have the East Brunswick Academy. I think that's where Gary Tonin is at and all those killers that break your legs. They're like, come on by. I don't eat that, my life. But they want you to come by. Yeah. The UFC gym that closed in Fairview, that was my home away from home. Wow.

Because the UFC gyms are fucking phenomenal. I've never been in one. A UFC gym has something going on every hour. Something that you like and that you can do. That's awesome. And that you don't need a ghee or nothing like that. They starts at six and they go to like three. In Fairview, they had like a strength and polymetric class where you get up on boxes.

You hit a speed bag. I love doing it. all that different stuff. You're inspiring. Just to get you out of the hotel. Yeah. Listen, you're still going to get your two hours of writing and you're still going to watch your show on Netflix.

You're still going to take a nap. But it's just nice. Like I was telling somebody, when I travel, I don't like to eat. Like a Morton's or a fucking popular place. I want some of the city's flair. Oh, that's my favorite. I always ask for tips that whenever I go into a city, I'm like, what's good? What's good?

And they'll tell you. They'll tell you what's good. And then you see what, like, the, you know, 10 people tell you one place, four people tell you another, and four people tell you another, then I decide by what's the closest. Okay.

And where there's not going to be a line and where, you know. Yes, what's the easiest? If I'm going to go to the other side of town, I've got to wait an hour. It's not doing no favor. That's an hour there. Like those barbecue places in Texas where you've got to pay somebody to wait in line.

Yeah, go around the corner, there's no line. No, no, no. 90% is good. Yeah, and pop up at the street. Yeah, no headache. Exactly. No worry about nothing. I don't want to get no car with their strangers.

Exactly. I'm good. I still got it. I still got a fucking some kind soul gave me a fucking free dinner for two to Chewys. I got the coupon on my desk. Next time I go on, when I go in Dallas or San Antonio, hopefully somebody's got a fucking Chewis.

And I go in and I got two fucking dinners already. That's great. I love all that shit. I love all that shit. Those little jumps. You know, you have to do something. When you travel a lot, Yeah, you know.

I mean, you go on those road trips with Ari where they go ski and this shit. I don't know. Oh, I don't do any of that. I just go to hang out with the guys. I don't know how to ski. I don't know. Did you go to this last time? No.

I don't go. Because he brought me the first couple times he started to do it and it was great just to hang out and have laughs. But first off, it's going to clutch it $500 just to get the stuff. Like he'll work out trade, but I got to get a lesson. No, I tried the snowboard once. I fell so hard. I'm not making it. I heard people scream in three different languages at once.

That's a true story. I was going down on the bunny hill on a snowboard. I fell on my back so hard. I split my jacket. Like I flat on my back. And at the same time, I heard like, oh, my God, Dios, meos. And then I heard Cheiser. And I was like, that's it.

I took the board off and I went back to the thing. And I, there was no bigger addiction I had than skiing at one time. How did you learn how to do it? Do you believe that? It was one of those things where, when I came from Cuba, my favorite James Bond movie was Her Majesty Secret Service. Okay. And when I first saw people skiing, I lost my mind.

And then I had to wait and wait. And then I became like this half a criminal. And then when I was 18 and 19, one of my friends said to me that he had a thing to go skiing at the Playboy Resort in Pennsylvania or something. Like up in the Poconos or something. Yeah, up in the Poconos. It was like 10 o'clock skiing. And I didn't think about anything. I didn't know the variables of what.

what was involved. I don't know that the sun goes down. You know, you forget all those things. Now what's the point they are when you're outside of it. Yes. And I'll never forget getting on that fucking thing and it being just freezing. That's the, I don't like the cold, Joey.

That's why I moved here. And then when they dropped you off, it wasn't, like, I didn't know what it was at that time. But it was just a sheet of ice that you were going to break your fucking knicker. Yeah. And I'm never thinking, I'm not ashamed to say this. I made them take me down on the fucking sneed snowmobile.

Yeah. I'm not doing this. I swear to God. Yeah, I don't play me. At 18, I made them take me down the snowboard. I think I was 17. How far did you get? I came on with the gondola or whatever, the ski lift chair.

I sat there. I looked down. There was a breeze, like a wind. Yep. Yep. And I was like, no. I just had like a fucking, you know, I didn't understand anxiety. I didn't understand breathing.

Like, it was all too fast for me. Yep. I looked down. I saw that hill. I saw ice. Yeah, forget. And I was like, I'm not doing this. And I told the guy I can't do this.

Some of the people laughed at me. I'll never forget how embarrassed I felt. I was in shape. I had like a hooded fucking sweatshirt on. And the ski guard came over. They removed the skis. The guy was pissed. He was like, you didn't even get him to try.

And I felt like a fucking loser. And they put me in the back of the thief. Like I had fallen off. Yeah. They dragged me like a fucking idiot that I was. And I went back to the fucking hotel room and snorted cook. with those other athletes yeah don't blame and they forgot about it after like a month and nobody told me i was a pussy no more and then i moved to colorado and i would sit there in my

fucking job and look at people come down this hill yeah and people go don't you ski and i would just be in the negative you know i was just a kid and i go only fucking pussy ski you know what the fuck is what are you saying joey you know like only pussy skis it's a faggy fucking sport look at them out there freezing yeah who would want to freeze and more and more people i'd see him come off the hill and they'd be happy and they'd be refreshed they had fucking red eyes and shit yeah and they were telling me how that we were smoking pot and eat mushrooms i'm like that sounds like that sounds okay and then the guy i was robin at that that time i was hit and drug dealer was big and i had like 20 30 k put away i had weed put away

had blow put away had jewelry put away how old were you this is i was 19 1980 18 18 18 23 20 20 20 and I was living in Snowmass village and I had worked on a house with a carpenter and the people weren't coming home for that winter so I hit all my cash I had a key and had the alarm code and I would just go up there watch TV fucking bring food up there like a beautiful home it was a beautiful home that they had redone it was four condos next to each other wow and I would walk into the one so I put all my stash in there in case they raided my house they couldn't find anything so smart I thought that I'm smart as I'm a piece of shit. I know how to get it. I would never know how to do any of that stuff.

And the guy next to me, I lived in D12 in Creekside, the guy next to me and him and I became friends. Like just neighbor friends. Hey, I know. And one day, like before Christmas, like December 15th, we were talking. He goes, my father died yesterday. I don't know if I could go home.

I can't afford it. And I thought about my mother and whatever. And I went to the condo. and I just took fucking 500 bucks. And I went back and I go, hey man, I don't really know you. Go see your father. Wow. Go see your father.

Pay me 100 a week. Yeah. You know, and he's like, nobody's ever done this. Just take it. They were good guys. He was from like Minneapolis or something. But he was also the general manager, Sport Kalen. Okay.

Sport Kalin was the big ski shop up there, the best one, like the best. That's where you went when you were filthy rich. Gotcha. You went to Sport Kalin. And when he came back, he gave me like $250. Because my mother gave me money. Take this $250 and I'll pay you $100 for two weeks and $50. He goes, listen, I really want to what you did for me.

He goes, come up. And any time you want to ski, it's on me. Wow. And at this time, me, I go, I never skied before. And I keep putting it down. And he goes, bro, I'm one of the best areas on the hill. Even if I have to leave there to give you a lesson. Wow, that was nice of a.

I'll leave there and give you a quick lesson. So Christmas, you know, Eve comes and then Christmas day comes. I got no family. Yeah. You got to remember up there, the weather is completely different. 60 degrees up in Aspen is completely different than 60 degrees down here. How so? Because there's a low moisture effect so the snow doesn't melt, but it stays warm.

I don't know if I'm saying it correctly. So it's warmer up there, but it's still snow on the mountains. When you go skiing, you come down with a sun tan. Yeah, in Colorado. When you go skiing in Aspen, Snowmass. It's beautiful. I would go just for the scene. Right.

When you go skiing up there, that Ajax, when you go skiing in Ajax, you do three runs. You come back with sun tans that people want. Okay. Like, I wouldn't even wear shields. I would, yeah, I did wear shields for a while. And then sometimes my buddy gave me a pair of combination glasses that has a rope on the back because I didn't like that. I liked the sun to hit me. I didn't want to have those raccoon eyes and shit.

So I went One Christmas day It had to be lunchtime 10.30 I was sitting there and watching Like a fucking parade like a momo We had like maybe 20 channels We had cable and we had USA and everything

And I said you know what I'm gonna take this off of I walked up there I had some burgundy beef at the stew pot Which is three doors down from Sport Carolina Walked into Sport Cali like I want to go skiing And he goes Just what you had had had jeans

a t-shirt and like a hooded sweatshirt he's yeah this is what yeah and he just went got me everything new wow pants a shirt the whole fucking thing gloves boots and that demos they would rent skis but he gave me the good stuff the demos that's awesome so he would give me like the people from texas come people in the old business and they're gonna spend eight hundred dollars for best ski boots yep they don't just give those to anybody to lend like they would you know if you come in and drop 20,000 with you for four kids I'll let you do whatever you want. Right.

You know, if a dealership knows you're going to spend money and you tell them, I want to drive the car around for a week, they'll give you a call for a week. Wow. Yeah, the level of money up there was... Yeah, the level of money is staggering. You know, Justin Wayne, he goes, you know, I saw the level of money up there.

It was so weird how that. Those homes are $5 and $6 million. I go, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that. And also remember, that's somebody's second home. Or third or fourth. Or third or fourth. That's $6 million. home they're not even there

they got a kid for 200 a week they pay you know whatever 9,600 a year for somebody to live in their fucking $6 million out yep two bills a week you get and free rent and you got a shovel you got to mow the lawn you got to paint

yep you got to make sure everything's up to par when they come into town and then when they come into town you could fucking go you disappear for three months so you would set your schedule like that so I went in there he put everything on And he goes, listen, I'm busy. It's Christmas Day.

So can I meet you at the ski lift? Meet me over at 8th or something. And I'll give you a quick lesson. And I'll never forget. He goes, just put the skis on and ski over to the thing. Bro, when I went outside, he's like, he taught me like a couple things. Yeah. He goes, all right, you see that blue sign?

Get over there. Show him my past and I'll let you on for free. Wow. And he goes, I got to go back in. And he went back in. You know, it took me now when I get over there. Yeah. He kept falling.

Yeah, I believe it. That's why I don't do it. I finally took the fucking skis off and I walked over. Yeah. Moon walks like I just landed on the moon. I walked over there. I put the fucking skis on. And I go, Jesus Christ, I don't know what I'm doing.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. And right away, when the thing dropped me off, I didn't land on ice. I landed on 24 inches of powder. You see your feet just sinking. You just pull yourself and it was bon voyage. And that first thing going down, man. Were you scared? I was scared, but I was happy.

that I wasn't scared. Gotcha. But now I had to figure something else out, how to stop. Yeah. Because he taught me like the little thing, how to plow. Yeah. Did you put your knees together? The pizza slice or whatever they said.

Yeah. So I met him after the first run. He goes, oh, you did it. I was fucking, like, my heart was beating. I could feel, I was hot. Like, I'm ripping all off stuff because my beat, my fucking adrenaline was going. Everything was going. He gave me, like, a quick lesson.

I swear to God. All on Chris. Christmas Day, 1983. That's great. He gave me, like, a quickly, we went up, like, three or four times, did it. And he goes, I got to go back to work. You were on your own.

And I did, like, two more. And the next day, I went to get up, and I stopped right here. Your whole body was sore. Oh, oh, I was 19, and I'm like, what the fuck was that? There was muscles in my leg, like the whole top of my leg,

the whole band. And at that time, I was running, hitting a bag, riding a bicycle that uses complete different muscle it took like three days to get up off that fucking i got up the next day and walked around saw i cursed it for a couple days and he goes ah everybody was laughing at me you went skiing you five i thought it was a pussies oh that's great it was fucking amazing and i told him the truth and he goes come back in two days and all that stuff is yours and i said don't even worry about the 250 don't even worry about he's like no i let me give a

take a door don't worry about and i kept that stuff and i went up to And I knew so many people in the town that they wouldn't charge me. That's great. They would just go up to the top of faraway road, park your car, and walk on this little thing there. And you're past the limit where they check the badges. Yeah, like all those little local tricks.

All those little local tricks. So I would go up there, and then I got the job, house it, and it was on faraway road. So I already knew how to ski right from my back door. You could just ski right on from your backyard. Right from my back door. I go right down and mix right in with regular people and get up to the thing and then go all the way to the top.

I got sew it. So the whole 83, I skied every day from January 1st to February 1st. I had no idea. And never in a million years when I guessed that you were a ski. Every day. I was up to 185. It was the whole fucking thing. I was buying goggles.

I had spotted gloves. Loving it. Loving it. Then I went to New York, didn't do it, got fucking lived in the park, went through all that bullshit with my uncle, you know, stayed there. And then I came out to Colorado in July. I was back. I ended up in San Francisco, back up in Aspen, back in Boulder.

And when I called my buddy to check in with me, he goes, bro, what are you going to do this winter? I go, I don't know. He goes, I knocked up my girlfriend. We're moving back to Jersey. If you want the house sitting job, it's no mass. It's yours. He goes, when can you be? I can be there two fucking days.

He goes, come on up. He didn't even tell the owner of the house. Wow. The owner of the house called one day. He goes, how's it going? I go, this is Joe. He goes, who's this? I go, Jimmy had to leave.

I'm his friend from Jersey. I've been here for two months. He goes, I'm flying out to meet you and to get references and to get a deposit from you. What did that guy do? What do people do that have that kind of money?

He was on the board of, chairman of the board of Fridays, TGIF, right? Wow. And in the two years, in the year I was there, his family, he came once, and then his daughters came once.

In two years? That's how many properties they had. Yeah, the girl told me, we go to Italy. We skiing, they were skiing in Switzerland. Wow. Like, they would, ski all over the fucking world, the girls.

But when I went back in 86, in 80, 85, I went back in October of 85, and I went right back, and then I got a job security at night, I did everything I could so I could ski in the daytime. That's what everybody does up there. So I was security at a hotel, and I would pick people up at the airport. At the hotel from 4 to 12, they gave me a three mountain ski pass. I wasn't going to go to Aspen Ajax. There's too much for me. I'd sold those. In those days, they were transferable.

So they were $1,200 for the season. Give me $6. So you would make money right from the back. Free money. I wouldn't say nothing to you. And I would get up there 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock, ski, fuck until 2, 2.30, smoke dope, take a shower, and go to work. That sounds awesome.

Tremend the shape. Eating like a savage, you're in higher altitude so you burn more. Yeah. Your body naturally burns. I was eating like a savage up there. And then you get to find, you know, you start trading out hotel rooms. Like there's three hotel rooms that are shut down

because the bad... Had a spray for it or something. Simone. You got your mother's in town. Yeah. Come on over. Stay at the hotel room. I was going to bother you for two days.

You know, took... They would work at the top of the hill. Like, they would work at a restaurant. So now I could go to a restaurant and eat on the own. That's great. It was sensational. I loved it. I skied with a cocaine habit.

I never did cocaine and skied. Oh, my God. It was my release from the drugs. But from 85, I skied that whole season and the beginning of 86, and then I left the aspirin. And it broke my heart. Like, that was, I didn't work out. All I did was ski.

Just had fun. No, I didn't even have a punching bag at that time. No, didn't even have a punching bag. I just skied. But it's so weird how I tell people. Once I moved to Boulder, I started dating this girl in 91 when I did comedy, and I tried to do that 5 in the morning, meet and drive to a snowmast and ski. That was done already.

I'm a man of simplicity. Yes. If I have to drive three hours, that's not skiing for me. Yeah. Like, that's not, like, because if you, if I, this was, like, when I saw Ari last year, wouldn't he break his foot? He recently broke his wrist. He broke his wrist. He broke, he's broken something almost every year.

Every ski trip. The reason why, that's why, that's another reason why I'm like, I'm not doing that. I love skiing, but the reason, the problem is that Ari, if you live in L.A., you have to go up here once a week to stay in ski shit. Okay, like big bear or something like that. Yeah, because this is the deal. If I say to you right now, no matter how much money we have, if I go to A. I'm taking you to snowmast village or veil to ski or whatever the fuck to ski. You haven't done it a year.

Yeah. So first of all, you have one natural enemy as soon as you get to those ski resorts. And it's called the fucking, uh, the altitude. Altitude. Yeah. That's it. So whatever. Even when I perform at the Comedy Works in Denver, I have to, I'm like, oh, I need to drink some water.

I need to sit on the stool a little bit. I'm dead with, there's no edibles the first couple days. There's nothing because you don't know when you might bend over. Yep. All it takes is a bend over and you holding your breath And you go to grasp and your mind not getting the oxygen And also your mind spins out And you get fucking anxiety

It happened. I fainted up there First time I did it bang it so you can't So when you go back up there You have to be in ski shape I never understood people who go up there And what are you going to do? Ski for two days? You're not going to be able to walk Yeah

You're not going to be able to walk I'm going up there next year with Mercy But I'm going to take her up here first Yeah get her sort of a juicy Like little baby steps getting ready for it. There's a place you could drive to, but there's a place you can fly to up here. I don't know that. I'm just going to take a fly up there and take the plane so she doesn't get car sick and get her skiing.

If she adapts to the ski, like if she says daddy, this could be me. Yeah. I would consider moving to Southern Colorado right now. I don't blame him. Once I watched Molly's game, I saw the beginning of Molly's game. Is that the poker movie? Yes. I haven't seen that yet.

In the beginning, when she's skiing, it brought me back. I'm like, oh, I remember that. Yeah. That's fucking fun. Like you're looking at it as a civilian going, that don't look too good. No. You don't even feel that cold weather. Even when she says it's 14 below with debris from the north, it's not the 14 that people go through on the East Coast.

Gotcha. See, you're changing my whole attitude towards all of it. That's a different 14. It's a different 14. It's still cold. You're not going to take your clothes off and yell kumbaya. Right. But it's not what you're used to.

So that's why if I go skiing next year, I'm going to make sure I'm going to do it. My friend did in Jersey this year. She went to a ski resort every Wednesday for a month. To prep for it. So she could make the most out of the trip. That's smart. Because I don't drink.

Right. I'm going to be mad. I'm going to sit in the jacuzzi with a bunch of people with a beer in my fucking ham. None of that shit appeals to me. I'm going to the fucking ski to get that good vitamin D, Colorado air. Yeah. It's so beautiful. beautiful up there the air is clean like I would just walk around the little

village and then when everybody would come back I love the hang because Ari would bring just such a good group of people was you when as easy I that's how I met Salvo Cano from impractical jokers Berkraisia you guys this year he had a good crew yeah he had a great crew this I didn't go this year but he had like Bert he had Ryan O'Neill up there it's a lot of laughs he got married or something so it was either before his wedding yes I think it was right after wedding or something yeah Renazizi was up there he's the best when is easy is the best he really is but there's nobody more fun than

hanging out with that kid he looked good with the suit on i saw him on the thing with the suit on yeah he looks really good with the fucking suit on no he's a it's it's a great thing to ski i'm happy that i took that part of my life at that age like i look back at and go who is that guy no how did he get there yeah same thing from that song yeah in his jam i was like i get there you know it's like this week that's beautiful i was talking to todd jordan from denver and he asked me he goes weren't you a fucking dog guy at the comedy works i had forgotten i was a door guy at mccelves wow you know and last night the seeing josh the door guy go up there rip yeah rip it and i'm like i remember being a fucking dog guy and doing sound yeah i started as a door guy then the sound guy quit he was too

cheap to hire another sound guy. So now that was your new job? So I would see people and then go to the sound and start the sound. Then I would go back to the door and throw out drunk people. Wow. Then the barback quit. And they said, do you want a bar back? And I go, fuck yeah.

So they hired the door guy and I would do the sound and the barbacking. But in the middle of all that, I got into comedy. I got on stage at the Comedy Works and he found out about it, the owner of Wits End. because I was a doorman at Wits End. Wait a second.

You were doing that before you were even doing comedy? Yes. The Lord Works in Mysterious ways. I took the comedy class in January. I didn't have the boss to get on stage. So I got a job at McElvys. Had to be around it. McKelves was on the other side of Denver.

George McElvey was a guy that was in the Tonight Show. He was the real deal. George McElvey was a comedian. God bless his soul, especially today on St. Patty's Day or yesterday. McKelvey was a guy that owned the club. Him and Wendy were not enemies at all. In fact, Wendy loved George. George just thought that he should own a club.

He had been doing comedy since the 50s. He knew Jackie Gleason. Wow. So he was an old time. He must have the best stories. When I got into comedy, McElvey had, was already 65. Yeah. I'll never forget.

He called me one day. He was getting your car. You meet me at Colorado Springs. You're opening up from me at Jeff Aldezz's club. tell Judy Brown to go fuck herself she's gonna try to ask you for $40 to take a stand-up class you're waving it we're waving that for you

wow me walking in here going whoa whoa whoa whoa you've never taken because for you to perform on that stage you had to pay Judy Brown money 40 bucks and she would teach you stand-up for three weeks then you were prepared to go on the stage so everybody who worked the club

had to go through that class McCauvey was like he ain't paying he sounds awesome awesome he would drink I would make him drinks and shit. He would tell me where to put my jokes. So, I met McElvey's being a dog guy at Wits End, because he owned both of them. He owned

McElwes, but he was partners on Witsen. So he had a guarantee, like, one appearance a month. So in those four months, I was a doorman, I got tight with him. No, man, I was, listen, I wasn't going to go into this without looking over the cliff. Gotcha. So before I got into comedy, I got a job as a dormant to ask questions.

Every week I ask those comics questions. Like, how do you do it if you're married? Where do you start? Why do I go there? And there was a couple guys that were really good to me. One guy in particular, his name was Reno Goodale. Funny guy, his closer is the whole show he does the show, and at the end he rips his wig off.

He's really bald. That's great. He has a toupee. That looks great. He just rips it off and people go crazy. He plays the egg guitar, standing ovation, the whole fucking thing. Yes. Looking at that back there, it was a different act than I wanted.

But I saw him kill with that act. Got you know, seven shows, you know, people losing their mind. Entertaining. So he helped me on a little bit. He told me he gave me his phone number. And he says, call me when you're running turtles. But when are you getting on stage? How old were you when you started this process?

Early 20th? 28. Wow. Okay. I was out of prison. I got the job. as my first child was born. So I got the job when she was about 10 or 12 months, about a year old.

So I had two jobs at the time. I was a roofer, a roofing estimator, and then at night, from Tuesday to Sunday, I would go home, eat dinner, take a shower, and shoot to Westminster, which is before dinner. Wasn't that bad of a ride, 20 minutes in those days? Okay. And I would work the door, you know, standard, one show Wednesday, Thursday,

two Friday, two Saturday, one Sunday. And I watched and I listened and I asked questions and I read the comedy newspaper that came every month and, you know, before I wanted to jump off the cliff and once I was ready, I still kept my job. Like I was a pussy. Like I was a big time pussy.

I'm not going to lie to anybody and tell you that I did it the right way, but I had to be protected because I needed to protect the girl, my wife, the baby, my cocaine habit. Real life. So I couldn't just take a chance

just because I wasn't, I was married. You know, I had a problem. I had somebody who they weren't, they were from Buffalo. You know, she was a great woman.

She's the reason why I got on stage. But when I, I was telling, Ricky Cruz. No. I was telling somebody this morning that you're always going to be a comedian.

If you meet a girl here, here next year Steve Simone yeah and you marry and she has two kids and you want to move back to Virginia and you become the king of Virginia I'm never going to have a problem with you I'm never having a problem with you if you quit I'm never having a problem with you period but you don't have to live in LA to be a comedian no I don't want people and it changes even more every year as technology changes things you do you don't need to be or I did it I I lived in Colorado where nobody knew you existed there was no YouTube yes There was no nothing.

And there was even a good scene there. But I was always content. There was a handful of guys that had a day job that worked weekends. And they were doing great because that $800 is a lot of money now when you're headlining. It's $6 a lot of weekends. I remember talking to a guy in Indianapolis five, six, seven years ago at Christmas. He was making $20,000 in December just doing Christmas parties. And I went, I should just move to another city.

I'd make more money. People don't understand there's different levels of comedy. There are a lot funnier comics than what you people are used to, living in Minneapolis, Milwaukee, that you'll never know of

because they're in a situation that they can't get out. Maybe they didn't raise the bar that high. I didn't have the bar raised that high either. When I first got into comedy, it was going to be a hobby. Some people bowl, some people throw darts,

some people fucking... You know what's so funny. I say that to some people where they go, I go, look, man, just do it. love it just do it if it's if you really love it if you know what about money yeah it's a hobby yeah it's a hobby yeah it's a great you know it's like collecting stamps yes a fucking butterflies absolutely getting into lifting like i'm never going to be good at jiu but i love going

there i love you with the guys and i know this is great it's a hobby yeah so when i picked up stand up it was not there was no start on there was no tv shows there was no nothing there was a group of guys that had to make it more fun in a way there was a group of guys that went on on tuesday And Thursday nights to the local open mics. Yeah. You know, they had their own room on Wednesday. And every Friday and Saturday, they were in some hellhole in Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, you know, fucking Utah.

They were in some little small town who paid them $800. And on top of the five or four, they were making, that's a lot of money. You know, they were paying, you know, when you worked in Denver, you got $50. What are you featured, $25, $35, $30, $40, $40. But once you started going into, you know, Wyoming, Riverton, and all those places. Working the regional road. Like going deep underneath Colorado to Gunnison where Maryland was from, Colorado Springs and all that. All those one-nighters, those little rooms that people look at the VATW.

That adds up. So your hobby is now, yeah, Tuesday and Thursday, you're going up at the bar with your friends. But they give you three drink tickets. Right. And maybe they give you a sandwich. Right. Now you're going out, you're having laughs, and you're not spending money. Even with the Agostino had that room two years ago?

In, uh, yes. That's what I'm looking for. Yep. When you're living in a place that doesn't have a stage like New York or L.A. or Miami, never fear. You're still making progress. Absolutely. You could be making more progress than people out here. Absolutely.

And they don't know it. People come here and there's no stage time. There's no stage time. So you're making more progress in one of those little towns because you're getting on stage twice a night four nights a week let's Friday and Saturday it's bad night sorry yes you know it's bad night that was all night you schedule with your girlfriend those and that you get a job at a restaurant as a way there yeah and then little by little wait till hey what are you doing Friday night I got a gig so now after you tell the

restaurant 10 times that you can't work Friday or Saturday they're gonna say listen you don't need this job no more and you just graduated a level it's so true now you have to get a fucking comedy gig on Friday it's sad yeah and make up for that money make up for that fucking money so that's that's It's how it works. It's just Friday and Saturday when you're in open mic, those are your dead night. You're not going to get no longer. You have to assume in your mind, there's nothing going on.

Yeah. It's all the paid, whatever. You can make it happen. You can still go to a bar and go listen. What do you do here? We do disco at 10, 15. Do you mind if I go up and do 15 minutes? Yep.

It's the truth. When people hit me up on Facebook and they go, I live here, I said, listen, all that shit's bullshit. Because I had a friend named Mandy paid that he made gold on a shit. Yep. I did comedy at all those beat up bars. All those beat up. Mitzie told me that. Tavern.

Mitzie told me Dice invited her and Argus once to go to the movies. And before the movie started, Dice won and did stand up in front of the packed movie theater. That's what you do. That's state's time. Yep. If you really want to do comedy, like you have to, I want you to do it as a hobby first and see if you really love. See if you love, exactly. If you get off stage and you go home and you're frustrated and you're crying at night because you really, really, really, really want to do this for the rest of your fucking life, you'll know it.

Yeah. You'll know it. You'll start putting shit in the back burner. It's an addictive. Yeah. I remember me, like as soon as I tried at one time, it was always calling me in the back of my head, and I tried to do everything I could

because I knew how hard it was going to be. So I tried to do everything else. But each passing year, I was like, you know what, I got to do this. No, listen, I was the type of guy I needed to pay bills too, but I also had a love for someone. I understood that the bills were not going to be paid with Santa, that I had to do other things

to subsidize my income. Yeah. But that love, that love is, I'm getting that love back ever since I shot the Netflix special. and put everything in perspective for me. After 27 years or 26 years of the time of doing comedy.

Yeah. Every couple years, you've got a new perspective. And this goes for just life itself. Yes. You're not the same person you were when you were 18 and your thought process wasn't the same as a person when you were 25. How old are you now?

45. 45. And I'm realizing that I'm a white belt at life. Like, I'm starting to go, what do I really know? What do I really want? I'm serious. What was Steve Simone doing at 21?

At 21, I was graduating college, trying to figure it out. And then I wound up taking a job with MB&A, the credit card company, was terrible. Did you even consider stand-up at that time? Stand-up on the radar? Yes. Was entertainment on the radar? I didn't think I was allowed to do stand-up. That's the truth.

I thought somebody had, I thought you had to come from a special family or you had to know somebody, and I did an open mic. That's when I got bit by the bug I got I did like What made you do the open mic? What made you just show up to a comic? I always loved comedy To me it was the coolest thing It was always I grew up in a

In a house Or laughter kept us together You know No matter how bad things got We could always laugh And my older brother Was the funniest person I've ever met my life

My dad is the best audience There is He would just die laughing And we were one of the first families To have K. And I remember those HBO young comedian specials. I remember Carlin doing specials. I remember seeing Richard Pryor.

I remember seeing Eddie Murphy delirious. I mean, as a little kid, because my parents are cool. They're like, let them watch it. And I mean, I loved it from the first. I remember my parents dropping me off when I, I mean, I was two. It's one of my earliest memories. And my dad had tickets to go see Richard Pryor at the Latin Casino. And I remember being two years old going, I wish I could go with them.

You would two? Two. Two. I remember, I remember getting dropped off at my grandparents' house so they could babysit us. And then my dad telling us, because my older brother was five, telling us what Richard Pryor did on stage when they came to pick us up. How funny it was. And what was the first time you got up on stage? Well, I remember when I was in college, I was too scared to ever do anything entertainment related, but I took an elective class where I built sets for the play. That's what I did. Because I kind of wanted to see what that world was like, but I didn't want to let anybody know I ever wanted to do any of that stuff. Did you read anything about stand-up?

Everything I could. What did you read? I remember there was a little magazine for actors that they sold in Philly at certain bookstores. It was called The Ross Reports. It was a little paper. What day did they come on? I just remember picking up the comedy episode issue with an interview with Mincey Shore. I would read.

I would read any biography I could on comedians. I'd watch anything on TV related to comedy. And my dad took me to go see Dom Irera at the Funny Bone in Philly when I was 15. That was the first time I saw live comedy. Then the next time I saw live comedy, I was touching the rafters of the Philadelphia spectrum. The worst seats in the house. We were sitting behind one of the Flyers banners to see Andrew Ice Clay. And then the third person I saw do stand-up comedy live,

once I said the late great John Panette I saw him open up for Sinatra on my 21st birthday I went to go see Sinatra at the sands with my dad and Panette opened up and I never going I want to do that I didn't tell anybody I wanted to do it but I saw what he was doing and I'm like a comedian gets to hang out with Sinatra I'm like this is what I want to do what year is this that was 94 95 something like that's what I met to that right there when he had just gotten off the road I met him at the comedy works wow I got his autographed that and then when did you so you got on stage how old were you being on stage first time I was on stage I think I was 22 I did an open mic in baltimore where I went to college and I did like two or three of them and then the open and I brought all my friends and I killed but then my friends stopped coming after two weeks and there was nobody there to do the open mic and they canceled it. So then I, it was the 90s, comedy was dead. I remember calling clubs trying to figure out and they didn't have open mics or if they

did have an open mic it was once a month. And then I was like, I can't, I didn't have the courage to go to New York or L.A. at the time. So I just took a corporate job. But in the back of my brain, I always thought about it. I always thought about it. And then I'd like go through the paper and I'd see if there was a comedy show I could go just go watch and then i remember taking a comedy class was fantastic

what did you take the comedy class oh my gosh i don't want to say the guy's name but he was it was joey i mean imagine was in philly at like a casting place they taught a comedy class so this poor guy is trying to teach comedy in philadelphia and he's got like a lot of theories and stuff like that i remember this dude in the class just getting mad and everything he's saying. He goes, why should we listen to you? What makes you so funny? He goes, I'm a professional comedian, my friend. And he goes, you've never done anything funny in this class. He goes, oh, you don't think I'm funny? Okay. All right. All right, everybody. We're going to make pretend that this is a nightclub and I'm about to perform. And he goes, all right, so turn down

the lights and then you announce me and then everybody clap when I come out. And I'm like, I couldn't believe I was watching it. And everybody's clapping. He comes out. He's Hey, how you doing? I'm so-and-so. I come from a tough neighborhood. The neighbor of my parish was Our Lady of Mike Tyson. That was his first joke. And I was like, this is the guy I'm learning from.

And I was like, oh, this is too. Well, those are the guys those teach those classes. Yeah. The guys that teach me. I stayed in the class because I felt bad for him. You know, I get Bill Burr to fucking teach the class of Rogan. Exactly. I mean, so those are the guys that teach the stand.

I mean, the guy who taught me my stand-up class wasn't a great, great comic, but he knew little things. When I got stuck the first year, I would call him, and he'd tell me what to do. Like, he was good at that stuff. Like, don't go down there. You don't want to go over there.

Go over there and do that. He taught me strategy. That's good. Don't go there. Go here because that gal see here. And he knows this guy, this guy, this guy. If you go to Steve Simone's room, yeah, he'll put you up. He's got nothing else.

Everybody hates him because he stole that room. Exactly. Chicky peas. Yeah, he started to give you all the political landscape. So don't go by chicky peas. He's dead. Go to this guy because he's got six rooms. And if he likes you, which he will.

That's a whole other side of the business? That's a whole other business that you don't. Because you think it's just about making people laugh. Yes. But that's like the least important part. The strategy, you know, the strategies that you watch people. I mean, you don't learn them. You watch.

you know it's part of Mitzie's whole program was get put you on the door so you can watch watch watch watch I told you we were talking before we started the podcast how enjoyable it is to sit in the back of the store without people shaking your hand to talk to you yeah even comics when I'm watching somebody the comic wants to get the fuck away from me get the fuck away from me I'm watching yeah I'm enjoying yeah I'm enjoying watching mark marron I'm living it I'm going into his fucking world yeah you want to say hello now wait time in the fucking hallway you want to give me a fucking hug and shit Right. Or they want to breathe in your ear with that bad breath sitting there. Leave me the fuck alone. You see I'm watching this fucking guy in pissing it. And enjoying it. And enjoy it. You see how high they are?

You see that you can see the veins from the other side of the room. It's dark in this motherfucker. What does that tell you? That vein is a do not disturb sign on a fucking door. Leave me the fuck alone. Hey, how you doing? I'm great. I was great that you bothered me.

I was getting to Ali Wong, stay the fucking mind here. Yeah. And figure out how to drop a bomb on Yakazaki. Because when you follow Ali Wong, you're sitting there thinking, how am I going to get in? I hope she ends right now, so I got it in. Yes, you start to figure out how you're going to jump in. How are you going to get it in? Like, it's the comedy store.

Yeah, you're not going to fucking get in there. You're not going to go up there with your dumb-ass fucking material. No. You're not going to go up there. You can have something to play off. So you can fit right in that fucking thing. I hope the audience says something weird on the way up because I got nothing right now. Yeah.

I got nothing. You know, you're in the original room. It was built for you to try shit, you know? Yeah. That's what people have to understand Especially you know in the original I'm sitting back to hypnotize I'm watching the best of the business

Just like you are So much fun I'm watching the best in the business Whenever I get lonely I just go down to the store and watch And I feel so blessed to be a part of it You're sitting that last little seat there I took up under there

Yeah there's bucket seats There's fucking Thank God for Mitzie Thank God for the fucking I don't even know I would not be in L.A If there was no comedy store I would not be here

I wouldn't have lasted. I want to leave now, but I can't leave the store. I can leave L.A. tomorrow, but I can't leave the store. Morgan Maren, yeah, night got brought up. Rogan brought me up by mistake. And it was Maren, and Maren went up there. And he goes, you know, you guys are going to have to wait to see fucking Joey Dears have a heart attack up here or whatever. You know, and I thought about it.

When he got off, he goes, you mad at him. No, no, it's the truth. I go, you know, when I go up to the original room, I leave my heart. that stage and if I do have a fucking heart attack I hope it's on that stage I hope it's on that fucking state I know you're saying I don't give a fuck if it when it comes to the store like I don't give a fuck anymore that is my home you destroyed last night I've been I was what that was a hot room and I was like oh I can't wait to see what Joey does talk I ate a bag of dicks in there what night about 10 days ago on a Sunday night I did a show

I was not supposed to be on you could I could use all the excuses that I want. I just went up there. I was unprepared. My head wasn't in it. It was a Sunday night. I was watching 60 minutes about Syria. Rocky 3,

the first time I thought club or lang, where your head wasn't in it. Just my head wasn't in it. I went up on stage and I had friends in the audience and I just ate a bag of dicks. And I remember calling Lee on the way up and going, Lee, I was laughing. I go, at least I have good sets in Houston.

And he goes, how do you know? I go, because I just ate a bag of dicks in fucking store. Yeah. So I know I got five good sets coming ahead of me. It was happening. That's so true. Oh, my God. That's so true.

Oh, my God. I didn't understand it. He didn't understand. He's like, why can you be so happy? I go, because I'm getting it out of the way. Yes. You don't understand. When you're doing comedy for two years, you're bombing five for five.

It's not fun going out. But the longer you do it, the percentages go down. Just remember, you are going to bomb when you least expected. Yes. Just be prepared. And you could be fully prepared. You could have your A game. I've seen everybody bomb in the O-R.

Everybody. I bomb. At the peak of their powers. Oh, my God. I bombed in the main room so bad two sunn days ago that I walked out of there. I didn't say goodbye. Yeah. But whatever you tell me, that was one of the first pieces of advice.

You told me, you go, Stevie, if you bought, just get out. Just leave. Get out. Just leave the room, get in your car, just go. Because if you, the whole night you're going to be thinking, is that your last spot. Right. Did Missy see this? Yeah.

Yeah, she did. Oh, no. Tommy Mitsy was in the building. Yeah. Oh. Oh, fuck. And you leave there and you're like, oh. I remember when I was a young comic.

It's funny. If I had a good set, I'd go, well, somebody's going to give me a TV show. Like, if I had a good set, I was like, yeah, I should have my own show. But if I bombed, I would go, I got to quit that maybe this isn't for me. Listen, they're going to get to life, bro. Yeah. You're going to have bad days. Absolutely.

And you're going to have good days. If you get your panties in a bunch about a bad day, you're done. If you have a bad day on a Monday, what are you having on? Right. You just go home, eat a rose beef sandwich. This is it. It's all I'm going to do today. With provolone with some pepper chanis.

I did that yesterday. That doesn't exactly like you did yesterday. Do what you got to do. Put your head down. Eat your sandwich. Go to bed and you wake up with this new outlook. Sometimes you just got to get punched in the face. Tuesday night I went down there.

And now I'm on a different level because this is what I'm doing. I'm sick and tired of PC calmly. Yeah. I'm taking a tire of the Judd-Appleton is bullshit. I'm taking a tired of half these people criticizing. Yep. I watched that I am Richard Pryor on Comedy Central Friday night. There's a new spec.

We're trying to get Jennifer on, Jennifer Pryor on either this week or next week. Wow, that'd be incredible. To follow up on that documentary. Oh, I heard it. A priest told me about that documentary. He said it was great. Oh, I watched it the other night. My heart was beaten.

You know, when he came back from Africa, and he said he wasn't going to use the word digging no more. Richard Pride was in a different fucking level, man. And I just decided, even before I saw that, from now on, I'm going to the store to do one thing. And one thing only, because I want that same mindset when I go on the road for 50 minutes. I want to beat them up like I do at the store.

I don't have to change my act. Like when I go to the laugh factory, you know, I'm going to change it up because I'm going to hurt people's feelings. No. I'm going full speed. head I went up on stage that night Rogan was in there and I don't know what got over me I went up there like a fuck maybe Tuesday night Tuesday night last week I went up there and Rogan was going to improv and he goes what are you gonna do you're

gonna come back I'm not dog I'm gonna stay here and he goes what's your infatuation or something at the comedy start I don't want to fuck know the improv man yeah I want to stay here he goes all right I'll watch you I go right wait and maybe I'll come with you so he goes I'll watch I just told him I may go with him dog I went up there like a fucking animal when I got out stage she's like Joey what the fuck did you say is that new this this I go Rogan I don't know what I said

I don't care it's got nothing to do with me no more I'm gonna go up there push the envelope every fucking that little father you create something I start walking people like I'm done yeah I love that I love it it's a force of nature I'm going into the original room and the main room from now on to walk people Good.

I don't care what comes out of my mouth. I'm going to put it on a piece of paper, bring it down there, and go off. Good. And if I die, so be it. If I destroy the room, so be it. But that's what I'm using it for. It's just too good. I have the gym that everybody in the world.

I have gold's gym. Yes. We have access to gold gym. When you wanted to be a bodybuilder in the 70s, what did you do? Did you stay in Philadelphia? No. You packed up your stuff and you went to the fucking country. You lived outside in Venice.

There was no rent. Yeah. There's no right. People lived in their cars. People lived in their car. There's no rent. You live in the beach. Wait until they shoot you off.

And all day you're outside. Fucking lift them weights. I have the, I've had the benefit in this life of losing a mother, being a junkie, going to prison. But there's a flip side to that fucking coin. And the flip side is that God put me in a place where the best stand-up comics in the world have walked into. Absolutely. The world. Yeah.

The world. Something I could never even imagine in my whole fucking life when I was starting. It's incredible. I saw the comedy story as this planet. Yes. I see Mars. Yes. Like it's there.

But I'm never going to be on it. I would hear people telling stories, Kinnison and Dice at going Howard Stern back in the 80s and 90s and tell stories about late night craziness at the comedy store. I remember seeing Gary Shanling on The Tonight Show. You can catch him this week at the Comedy Store. All those books I read about comedy, everything was about the Comedy Store, the Comedy Store. And that song you played, you may find yourself. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I'm at the comedy store and the hair of my arms just stands up and I go

How did a kid from Delaware County Pennsylvania wind up in the back of the comedy store watching Joey Diaz destroy this room? Like last night I saw you on stage and I almost started to cry I was just like This is it. This is all I want out of life like I'm living my life I'm at the greatest place on earth. What else do I want? I don't want to do nothing else I want to join the circus if that's what it feels like I can see brabish I don't want to say no No. I just want to do guys. I have four. I don't want to do specials. I can care less about a special. Oh, people, I don't care about any of it.

I just want to go out on stage. I don't, I'm right there with you. I will fucking put this. So right there with it. When I hear Noah, I will put this out on a CD. I have leash up with that fucking thing and I will start from scratch again.

That's what I did. I recorded a CD last week. I don't give a fucking one. And last night was telling Fat James stories. And I'm like, this is what I want to do. I don't want to do special. I don't care. I don't want to do none.

I'd rather put up YouTube clips. Yes, that's exactly where I am. Having a fucking blast. Yeah. Having a fucking blast, you know? Yes. What date you got coming up, little brother? Dude, I am done.

The only thing I have is I'm on a cruise ship in April. Oh, you come with me in June. I'm going to take you somewhere in June. It's time for us to do something. I would love that. Let's do something. Let's go fucking get together. I would love that.

I would love that. Anyway, I want to thank you, Steve Samoa. And I do have a new album coming out. I'm going to call it Java. When is it coming out? Probably within the month. I'll let you know. Let us know and I'll retweet the dates for your stuff

because I know these guys love you. They want to hear you. The last time you were here. It's great. Lee and I obviously went off the fucking reservation. It was a classic. Did we order sandwiches at that day? Yeah.

Oh, that's the day. We had a day. Spend $60 on three sandwiches? Can you fucking believe that, ladies and gentlemen, $60 on three sandwiches? Because me and fucking Godzilla over here with that fucking I. Thank God we have the voice of reason here, the Christian. I think it took an hour for him to get here and they were gone in six minutes. Oh, it didn't even last.

And Lee kept saying, I don't know if I want the chicken. Eat it, Lee, because I could see you. I could see you. You're with me. There was one sandwich. came out like a lizard like a fucking frog yeah Lee's the type of guy I'll tell you no two times like he's like that girl that you show you dick that they cover their eyes but keep one eye open that's Lee you're like Lee you want to buy

that sandwich not really I'm not hungry I'm not gonna eat I'm not gonna eat it and I'm not gonna eat it and all of something just his tongue comes out wraps it around like a piece of sushi he goes right back into his mouth fucking hilarious he wouldn't eat the chicken I don't know if I want the chicken palm one of those sandwiches the sauce the sauce Sauchin pepper. The sauce and peppers. Unbelievable. We were too fucking high at that.

Yeah. When you started to fall asleep, I was like, I've never seen this. Dog, dirty fucking years of getting high. I've never seen that. I think I ate gorilla biscuits. Those fucking edibles. And I haven't eaten anything else. Are you sure?

I think I had two with you that night, and that was it. Yeah, they're strong. Yeah, no, that's it. I'm done. I'm pretty much done with edibles. I just been spoken. We got some new bongs, some new Trek 4. She dropped two of them off.

I'm using one from Mike Tyson. I'm keeping the other one at the house. I've been smoking dope with fucking ice cubes with distilled water. Oh, my lungs feel tremendous. I don't know why. I put distilled water in the sleep apnea machine. I only fill it up once a month. I might as well do something with it.

Yeah. It just collected dust in the fucking corner. It makes it difference, huh? Yeah, so I put it in my, yeah, yeah. I had to start putting water in the apnea machine, man. I was waking up at 2 in the morning, fucking dry. I go pee. It smells like fucking dead.

And it's yellow and brown because I'm dehydrated. I'm done. I had to start putting it fucking in there. So if you have the sleep apnea machine, don't forget to refill that fucking reservoir. It drives you to fuck out too much, and it affects you later on. Like I said, I want to thank Steve Simone. I want to thank the Christ Killer,

and I want to thank you, motherfuckers. Don't forget Pittsburgh Improv. There's four tickets left for the first show, and all I got, a late Thursday show for April. What are we, March? Yeah, April 6th. All we got is Thursday. And don't forget, 419, Fitzgerald Theta, pre-4-Fucking 20,

and then 420, motherfucking the Paps theater in Milwaukee, the home of Jeffrey Dahmer. Come on out and have a fucking good time. Beside that, I want to give you a word from my sponsors. Our first sponsor's been with us since day one. I want to thank him with all my heart. I want to give a shout out to Adit. When it comes to supplements, they're there to help you,

one of the best fucking companies in the world. You know why I love them so much and why I do business with them still? because they're one of a few companies that gives you 100% money back guarantee and you keep the product on the alpha brand not a lot of people fucking do that people do that usually have shitty fucking products

and that's how they trick you. Not alpha brain, not for giving you that type of guarantee. Whether it's alpha brain whether it's the Shroom Tech sport or the Shroom Tech immune which I fucking live on especially when I fly on these fucking filthy planes and you go into airports they just gave a warning if you flew through L.A.S.

two weeks ago you check yourself for the measles because you have the motherfuck The measles. So that's the shit we got to bring in because people don't want them to vaccinate their filthy fucking kids. Vaccinate those fucking filthy kids. They're filthy.

Anyway, I went off track. My point is on it for all your supplements. All right. Press church on the way out. Get 10% delivered to your house. You're going to be happy. Start up with the Alpha brand, the Shroom Tech immune.

You're going to be fucking happy. The other sponsor who I love, you know why? Because they're always looking out for you is manscape.com. You know why? Because the worst thing in the world is to be standing there and I love my wife.

But from time to time, I got to make a trim my nutsack hair. Not my nutsack hair, but the hair around your fucking dick because it gets too dry. I don't condition my pubic hairs. So it gets too fucking dry. So I got to have her cut it. Now, I love my wife. But you know what?

She ain't no specialist in cut. What if she slips and touch? Next thing, I got a vein. You got to go to the hospital. Vainbleed and shit. I don't need that shit. That's where fucking manscape comes in. Uncle Joey's here to tell you, don't cut your dick off.

fuck-o. The suffering ends now. With Manscape, you could get it done without the fucking pain. Why? Because they got precision tools for the fucking nuts of life, all right? The invention, their invention is the lone mower, a handheld razor with skin-safe technology, so it won't nick or snag your ball sack. You got to go easy on the fucking tenders. You understand me? This bad boy will leave you clean, smooth, and pain-fucking free. Plus, it's rechargeable. That's why I liked about the best. You take it on the road. It comes in its own pack. So you get them all. So you get all the nooks and cranny. Manscape will get your beanbag looking as smooth as a fucking egg. You understand me? Like Lee's head right now. I think he manscape that fucking head of knot there. He's got.

Anyway, I'm going to let you on a little secret. If you trim the hedges, the tree looks fucking taller. What are you waiting for? Trim that fucking Cuban egg road, cops, cuckers. At manscape.com, you got everything you need to make your ball shine and keep your dick looking fucking. sensational you understand me they got a ball wipe you get one side you wipe your balls you flip it over you stick your finger in your ass and clean around the muffler you keep that in your glove compartment just in case you're fucking bump into one of those blow jobs that be walking around from time to time you never know if you're not prepared nobody's going to show up you know what I'm saying right or wrong anyway the perfect

package comes at the lawn mow and the safety razor plus the crop preserver especially formulated anti-shaving deodorant so your balls don't stink and the revival a guy like me that the nut sack smell is beyond belief. I'm over 50. A spritz that tones and refreshes your junk to keep it cool and it shrinks. It's like putting that fucking thing so you don't have no wrinkles. Anyway, my church family, the listeners of the church can get 20% off your first order when you use code church at manscape.com.

And if you order the perfect package, forget about it. Don't throw it in the free travel bag when you use code church. That's manscape.com. Use promo code church. For 20% off your first dollar, let me tell you something. If you're into keeping your nutsack, nice and clean and smooth, if you're into smacking girls in the face of your dick, the fucking Manscape Package is for you, all right?

Go to Manscape.com, use promo code church, and I'll give you 20% off your first order. Other sponsor who I love to death, they make things happen. You know why? Because they put Getus in your motherfucking pocket. And that's my bookie. Listen, the first weekend of NCAA tournament is the greatest betting event. of the year, whether you're filling out brackets with grandma or picking a national championship

predicting the first round upsets or all the above, my bookie is the perfect home for your March madness fund. Will Zionne Williamson and his teammates cement their legacy at Duke with a title or can Virginia get past its loss to a 16th seed last year? If you know the answers or even if you don't, my bookie is the place for you to get on the motherfucking action. It's all about action. Why have clean balls if you're not going to have no fucking action. They don't know it. Their goal is to give you the best customer service in the business and that's what

my bookie's about. They've been in business for years and the best part about it is they pay out fast when you win. 48 hours, bam! It's in your account. You bet what the best, then you kick back and enjoy March Madness like a doctor. You get that little fucking chick that's missing an eyeball to come

over and lick your nuts and who's better than you. You got fresh balls. You pick the winner. You're going to win some money. and you put a bed in with my people over there at MyBooky. Now, what we're going to do is this. Deposit with My Booky today and use promo code church, and they're going to give you a 50% sign-up bonus. Right off the bat, you're making money with Uncle Joey.

Who's better than me? Nobody. That's promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H. With My Booker, you play, you win, and you get motherfucking paid. You understand me? Don't forget Pittsburgh. All I got is Thursday night. 10 o'clock, Steve Simone. It's coming with me in June.

I'll fucking surprise you, cock suckers. And the flying Jew is still doing his thing. Ready to go. Fucking, he looks like Ponce his pilot without the beard. The fucking, who gives a shit? I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great week.

It's Monday morning. Don't let nobody fucking stop you. Take this fucking mulee. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody twice as smart as I A somebody who will swear to be true As you used to do with me Who leave you to learn

That misery loves company see I want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits let's see if a puzzle fits so fine and that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet as I sit there a plodden seat When somebody breaks your heart like you