The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #668 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: March 21, 2019

Eleanor Kerrigan, stand up comedian and co-host of the "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush.   Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in JOEY.   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.      Recorded live on 03/20/2019.


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Third-party lab results yourself. Church family gets 20% off your first order. Just pressing church at the checkout. Kick this motherfucking meal, Lee. It's Thursday, the 21st of fucking March. The pigeons are out, motherfuckers. The ice is gone. The Irishman is here.

The original. Eleanor Martinez. I got my main man, the Christ killer. Fucking Lysayat with the flu for two weeks. What kind of Jew is he? You know what I'm saying? And you got your uncle Joey coming at you with a little fucking Sylvester. Kick it!

Oh shit. When black fags were black fags, baby. This is when we were doing it. This is when we were doing it. motherfuckers when you were proud to be a fucking fat dancing kick it oh shit oh shit i love this motherfucker so vestin this motherfucker was black beautiful and fucking proud and gay as a motherfucker listen there's something i got to task you oh shit he wants to know baby is that muffler clean because i'm coming in no way come

On air. You had the asses? Here we go. So tell me what I want to know. Oh shit, yeah. It's Thursday motherfuck, as they gotta fuck. You know what I'm saying? If you wanna fuck, let me show you how.

Do you wanna me? I wanna see black people jumping up and down right now, and you know, I don't give a fuck where you are. Out of respect. It's Black History Month Every fucking month Turn this shit down I'm fucking ready to go here

What are you fucking nuts or what Eleanor Kerrigan in the house That song reminds me at trading places Remember that scene? Who put the cools out of my fucking carpet? But the black girl with a real small titty I was like, I could do that, I could do that part When he busted that song

I love that jam That's a great song We lit Judy Kelly's teddy bear up one night That is jam in the back of the car What does that mean? She had a teddy bear in the back of the car, and she was crying about her ex-boyfriend because she cheated on them.

And we lit the fucking teddy bear on fire. We're all coked up, and the fucking teddy bears melting. How many things did he sit on fire as a kid? Probably everything. You have to. It was like a thing. Oh, my God. If you don't understand it, light on fire,

I used to light more barns on fire. My little brother started a fire under his bunk bed. We were like, what's that light? And then he's like, I don't know what happened. And it just got bigger. We were like, oh, shit. Fires get big fast. My mom could have lost every, you know,

when you were a little kid, I started with lighting fires and pissing on them. When I was like six, when I came from Cuba, I would hide a deer. I would like a little fire in the corner and pee on it. And then when there, a little fire across the street and the fire got out of control, I ran out of peace. I was going to say. And I ran away in the fire department came. His hose didn't work. I'm from my fucking window.

Yeah, you know, fire is, and it's fucking tremendous. Ari Schaffir was bad with that. Do you remember that? He used to light him all the time. at the comedy story who's terrible when they did they light riot up a fire on fire and they blamed that was eddie griff somebody lit them on fire i want to know who it is because i got the blame for that they blamed it on you i was in miami i guess they locked them in the bathroom and they fucking lit them on fire i got a call from princess cori like did you like rob it up bavire on fire last night i'm not even in

fucking town be honest though did he give them the idea no no eddie griffin used to call him lucifer and he'd be like fire burn up lucifer burn up and he used the light matches and throw him on stage at him. I used to pee my pants, but I was like, Eddie, they're getting close. I didn't know they locked him in the bathroom. I forgot about that. What was the deal with him? He didn't like when you wore crosses. Oh, Eddie Griffin didn't like when you walk crosses on stage. He would say, get that Satan thing off because he used to give Maryland a hard time. You got that voodoo around your neck.

Maybe. I don't know. I hate when people wear the rosary bead, that gives me anxiety. Because I'm a Catholic school kid. We're not allowed to put it over. You're not supposed to put it over your back. Like Madonna. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a lot of people do that. You got them wrapped around your hands and you're praying at the track or something. I'm with you.

I'm with you. I took rosary beads to the track one time. I needed the 20. You need the 20, you better take those rosary beats up. You start rubbing them real hard, like it's going to come to life. You ever like, when I first became a Catholic, like as a kid, like I still remember all the things, but once like I got indoctrinated, like if you asked God for something, you didn't get it, like God, the Mets better win today.

You got mad. You got pissed. fuck God. Yeah. That motherfucker don't work because the Mets lost. And then my mom would say, you can't ask for things like that. Right. That's what my mom would say.

What? You fucking crazy. He could do that. Well, what is he for? I'll get it. Does it make sense? The Mets can't cover by two runs. What good is he?

I'm not asking for much. Probably because there was more people in Philadelphia praying for the Mets to lose. Think about when the Mets played the World Series. How many people were there? The 86 Mets? That's what you're going with? The guy dropped the ball at first base. That's Bill Buckner.

Red Sox. I'm a big Red Sox. It's funny how many people were like praying like, please God, let him not catch him. And they're like, I told you, God answered my fucking prayers that went between his legs and shit. God hates that guy. Remember when they put him in Curve Your Enthusiasm, Bill Buckner, I mean. And it was a Jewish thing, you might know this, where you have to have 10 people to say a prayer. It's, what's it called?

Ten people, you have to have 10 people. So Larry David brought Bill Buckner and they wouldn't let him in. They were like, no, he's bad. luck. It's so great. I love that they still razzed that guy. Oh my god. Oh, in Boston. Talk about getting set on fire. I thought they were going to kill that guy. I thought they were going to kill him too. Didn't the guy, Scott Norwood, didn't he miss a field goal for somebody? Buffalo bills and he fucking tried suicide. Well, that's, yeah. Like Buffalo people, they'll talk you. Talk to him into it. Yeah. They'll come to your house. Listen, like, what's his name when he talked

Frankie Five Angels and Godfather too. He talked them into committing suicide. You got to have a party. You just have a nice Italian party. Yeah, they have a party. Take a bath. And then at the end, they put a bat and they slit their wrist. And that's how they go out.

Well, comedians always complain about, like, the negative stuff. You get on social media. Like, I remember this year, like, the Bears kick or miss, like, four field goals in a game or something. He must have had to delete his accounts. We had billboards. They were sending them money from Philadelphia because it happened against the Eagles. Oh, they sent him. They were sending them money in his Venmo.

Thank you for missing that kick. Thousands of dollars people were sending him. Philadelphia's evil, bro. They had billboards of that guy in Philly after that kick. Thank you to the Bears for like crazy, lit up everything. I always thought that I came from a weird neighbor. I always knew that. That's not funny.

Not weird in a sense of weird. Mine was weird too. But it wasn't like the neighborhoods I saw on TV. It wasn't the shit that I grew, the shit that I was growing up with was not on the Brady bunch. Never. But I never felt more at home than when I went to Philadelphia the first time. Isn't it the greatest place in the world?

Sorry, Lee. It's not that it's the greatest place at the world. It's so fucked up. The attitude, they just don't give a fuck. Oh. Like my first contact. with those people was in the eighth grade when I went to see the stones

and I didn't know anything about concerts I didn't know anything about music really I didn't know anything about social skills I knew nothing about leaving my name yeah I knew about social skills but I didn't know that there were people that were but I feel like that in all the East Coast now

like you feel that certain neighborhoods yeah like you know I loved all that I love watching old sports things. Oh, yeah. Because they really show you the heart of the country. Like, you get to see, like, I love to see Ohio State in college.

I love when they play, you know. They go crazy for that. I loved watching the Houston Oilers when I was a kid, when Earl Campbell played. I had never seen anything like that. People were blue and white bonbons. Everybody, you fucking doing it at unison. But Philly, they were just animals.

Animals. And I got into the Sixers. Once Julius Irving, became a sixer. My whole life was a sixer. And then Darrell Dawkins, we showed, I showed somebody here.

Simone. Steve Simone, yeah. I showed him the Sixers against the Portland Trailblazers. Clyde Drexler. This is way before Clyde Drexler. This is with Morley's Lucas.

Yes. Okay. And fucking, they had a tremendous team. And Bill Wharton was the center. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a fucking little kid. Because I'm like,

and I still remember that the sixes were going to lose. But Julius Irving slammed dunked so bad on Bill Walton. And Bill Walton was trying to call him an offensive. Now, I was always a fan of Bill Walton because he was a hippie. And he smoked old and he had long hair. But when he tried. There was a little bit of a baby. When he went for the offensive filing against Julius Irving,

I lost all respect to him. Like, that was done. Like, just take that you got fucking slam down. Slamed on. And not only did he get slammed down. And I was old school way that. If you watched the move, it wasn't that he slammed on him. It's that he took the rebound, took the ball all the way down court and looting defenders.

And then it was just him and Bill, and two black dudes chasing him. And he just picked up that fucking ball. And he goes, you know what, Bill, I'm going to lose his game. But you're going to remember this slam for the rest of your life. And he just slammed on his face that Bill Walt Lange, you actually see Bill Walting. telling the ref like no offensive and the ref's like yeah yeah but if you like a man yeah yeah like a man and it was like back then if you ever watched julius irving i watched he was our god he was my like i mean we still play games and call it

julius everything is julius fucking he uh he used to hook people julius irving they let him get away with that for years and i use that it's a little hook with your hand and you hold the opponent's waist. If you watch any of Julius' move, his best moves was when he step out, and he time you. So when he put his foot back, he would take off. So he learned how to put his foot out and go back and fake,

and when you came back, he would take off on you, but he would take off on you as you were coming towards him. Yeah. But how he got around you was with that hook. Yeah. And he would always hook. you push you and in that play you actually see him like fucking hookin bill walton you always would see his hand get in between two people and he just

drew it the fuck down and after that bill walton lost all credibility in my eyes I don't give a fuck if he falls off fucking building now I'm in his fucking son he's a faggy fucking son the coach of the Lakers oh he's good looking yeah but he's nine fucking 82 I rather have an ugly coach who wins you know what I'm saying I'd rather to have that Eddie Munster looking coach from Arkansas. He looked just like Grandpa from the Munsters. But that motherfucker, no, Houston. Houston, when they had Fy Slamma-Jama,

the coach looked just like Eddie Munster. That's hilarious. Just like Grandpa. Grandpa. But he knew how to manage those motherfuckers. He's good looking, and he's got LeBron. He can't make it to the playoffs. What good is he?

Yeah, but LeBron pays by himself. He's, he's, it's ridiculous. I don't know nothing about what's going on. I do know that they're getting tortured. Yeah. That LeBron came out here. Sixers are phenomenal right. now Celtics too we're sixers are sixers are a better team but they're both young

Celtics you haven't shot a fucking ball in 22 years there's no you so but I never say we well you remember I never say we won today that's because Boston's a better city than when you go that doesn't even matter Frankie just saying you didn't fucking even throw a ball in high school so you ever play basketball no I'm Jewish and I'm sure no so then don't say we you didn't do whatever I'll say we do you guys do you guys get emotional watching like I I'm not I I'm emotional watching you right now. I get made fun of no matter what I say.

So who cares? But like now when I, on Instagram, if I see like replays, especially of the teams when I was in school, like I'll start getting almost teary-eyed. Oh, yeah. We were talking about Julius. It's talking about Julius fighting Larry Bird. One of my favorites.

You got him by the throat. Yeah, my favorite picture. Two facts. Scratching each other's faces. Let's throw some punches here. No, Julius picked him up. It was Larry. And I'm a big Larry Bird fan too, but it was just so funny.

I was like, oh my God. Julius is going to. Kill him right. His hand was like all the way around his neck. No. But Larry talk a lot of shit. Yeah. Well, Larry just put,

Larry was so good. He didn't have to say nothing to you. It was that stupid look on his fucking face. I've never seen anybody make it look so awkward, but amazing. When Larry Bird shot 40 points against you and he wouldn't change expression, that's something to your psychological. Like, this motherfucker's got nothing.

I got to crack him. It's like his shorts were getting shorter. It was very. He was my favorite. I mean, Julius was my favorite top all time, but then it's Larry Bird right after him. Is Julius Irving still around? Yes. Oh, he was on a flight last summer.

I was so nervous. I would have had a heart attack. I was telling you. See, because I get him by the ear. I was the same way. I sat next to Barclay. Oh, Barclay, I love. To the end.

Yeah. But I've met him a million times. For the last 10 minutes. Julius Irving, I wouldn't say anything. I didn't say a word. I was scared. I could just break Julius and go, listen. I went to your fucking.

verse clinic at Fordham University in 1975 what he got to say about that when you showed up with your kid the Mercedes Benz obsessed and you got out of the car we're all waiting online like little fucking morons that's the only time I wait on line as a kid to see yeah when julius he wore a shitty converse sneakers when julius first signed with the sixers he also signed they designed the sneaker from Congress and it was called a limousine for the feet yeah and he if you bought a pay limit. Remember sneakers were Converse were 1099, $1,199. Yeah. $10

if you'd get them down to Lancy Street. The Jews, if you went down to the Lansing Street and told them I'm the first customer of the day, you'd get them the chinks in Chinatown to go for the 10. The chinks were the best. The chinks were the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then there was Coach Converse. If you wore

coach converse, you might as well put punching bag on your head because you were going to get smacked 50 times. It was a big difference. There was a dollar between Coach Converse and regular Converse, Chuck Taylor's. So if your mother didn't go to the extra dollar, let me tell you some, you might as well. You know these people that get cyberbullied? That's nothing compared to the beating you were going to get. That's right. God forbid you didn't show. Listen, you beat him and throw dollars out. You could only show up with Converse. P.F. Flyers was second and Keds came in a tight third.

That's hilarious. But if you bought your sneakers from Panty Pride, if your sneakers slip and slide, take them back to Panty Pride. We used to torment you. My mom bought me sneakers at the fucking supermarket once. I knew kids that would come out with new sneakers. Within 10 minutes, they'd be sitting in a corner crying, like taking the sneakers off throwing them. All confident. Oh, like my mother bought me shitty sneakers because we were torment them, especially in the

spiky neighborhoods, like 140th up there with my godmother. Those kids were poor. Yeah. But they made sure they had Chuck Taylor's on because nothing is being poor. But if you had Chuck Taylor's, at least you could step on out. And they would take them home every night, those poor kids. And they would, they'd take that same toothbrush. They brush their teeth with it.

And they would scrape the bubble gum and the shit off their sneaker. Those sneakers are immaculate. You used a different toothbrush. I did that. No, you did. Not Puerto Rican kids. Not the ones I hung out with it. They had one fucking tooth.

I used to clean my shelter. I hung out with a Puerto Rican family. They had one toothbrush for the family. No, come on. Yeah, everybody came in. Every morning. You got to learn out of steel at that point. It was like a deli.

You gotta pick a number. You gotta wait on like number nine. Maybe get cheaper sneakers. You can afford another toothbrush. And then the kid Ricky would sneakier and take the toothbrush and put like turpent time on them and shit. And then after that you took white shoe polish

and you put them on your white fucking sneakers. That's right. Like these kids were so poor. Like I had taken life for granted. My sneakers would get dirty and my mama throw them away and buy me new pair of sneakers. Oh, that's crazy. We didn't do that.

The Deños, the Irish kids up above 140s. street, those sneakers lasted you a year. Yeah. You made sure because you brushed them. My mom used to wash our sneakers sometimes. Those kids, if it would rain, those kids were on the 8th Street, they would just take their sneakers off and run around barefoot.

They were savages because there's no sneakers meant everything to them. Everything. Everything to them. And then when the sneaker died, you tied it together and you threw it up in the air and had it get on a cord. So you would have 20 sneakers on that cord as you were growing up on the electrical cord. It's the best. Then once a year the fucking guy from PSNG would come out with like a gas mask on and fucking gloves.

And they have to take all the sneakers down. I mean, this is just a process that you did. You would judge buy your sneakers. I thought that meant there was a drug dealer in the neighborhood, no. No. What? That's what white kids fight.

Like they came up with rumors. I thought sneakers on the line just meant it was a drug dealer in the neighborhood. No. That meant that fucking is a fun. That was a kid that said, I want to throw away my sneakers. I want on when nobody take them. Yeah. There you go.

That was the thing. Okay. But people wear those chucks till they had holes in them. Your toe was coming out. Let me tell you something. People who wore Chuck Taylor's today, 50-year-olds and above, I guarantee their feet are fine because all there was with that cushion, you put a pair of Chuck Taylor's on today.

And you feel the fucking difference. Yeah. You're like, Jesus Christ, a glass could go through this. Mm-hmm. Like a glass could go through. It's almost like being barefoot. I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan now.

Top kit. Well, look what I wear. I love my Adidas shelltop. Now, those you clean a little bit of soft scrub and a toothbrush. My wife, Puerto Ricans, these up. Yeah, yeah. Time to time. I got the walk around ones and the stage ones.

Absolutely. Show shoes and the stage ones. So I take stage Adidas and then I have my regular Adidas. They stink like fucking. I know you always say that how they stink. All they do. But I was always. I don't stink.

I don't have a con. I was a converse. I was, I was, I started. Officer Ked guy when I came from Cuba. Then I went up to P.F. Flies, and then I was Chuck Taylor. I don't know what a PF Flyers. P.F. Flyers was... Lifier.

1970, 71, 72. PF. Flies made you run higher and jump faster. That's hilarious. That was their slogan. We had the pump for that... The pump came later. The pump came in like later on when you pumped them up and you thought you were bad. All the white kids are running and getting swatted down by the black kids.

It's amazing. That's why it's a true story. that I say on stage, I mean, I turned it into a joke years later. Yeah. P.F. I was never a fast kid. Okay. I was quick, but in long distance, you would catch me. Okay.

All right. So when the marketing tool behind PFIs was they make you jump higher and they'd show a kid like jumping a fence without touching it. And then they show like a Puerto Rican kid getting chased by cops. And finally the Puerto Rican's had going, whoof, and giving up. P.F. Lies. That make you jump high and run faster. But the white guy got away. So I went home and got the fucking PF. I begged my mother to get me the PF.

F.I. But then I had to put them to the test. Okay. So how did you put them to the test? You tortured the acidic Jew on the block. His name was Mr. Martini. He would chase you? Chases for blocks. Chases for blocks. In all that clothing? In the black suit or whatever. His curls are flat? He's like pissed. He didn't have that. He only had like a little curl and he wore the thing.

he was the typical slum lord like what they call a slum lord today he lived three houses he owned three houses that were next to each other but he lived in the basement of the middle one so you weren't even allowed there were metal bars with those spears sticking out yeah like little chichings like that and like we would play games you weren't even allowed to talk in front of his house oh i hate people like that we had a lot of those he would come out and go hey go down the fucking block if you guys want to talk So the first time he did that to me Even at that age

I was like you don't own this file Like I was Cuban I was trying to be American I thought I knew all the American rules It's a free country Yeah I told the guy You gotta use that every time

I told the guy right off the bat I go it's a free country pal He goes it ain't fucking free You spick motherfucker Go down the fucking blocks So I'm like Spick motherfucker really free Okay

So I got me and my old little dirty guys And we just started on the slow torture chamber Eggs to his building Eggs we egged everybody Yeah Toilip paper if we killed the rat, we'd fucking throw the rat in the fucking thing. And then he'd come up with the rat in his hand.

And go, one of these days, I'm going to catch one of you little motherfuckers. And I'm going to eat you for lunch and all this shit. He would fucking, he was tough. But Mr. Martini was a reputation that Mr. Martini caught you. He'd fuck you to death and then kill you. So all the kids, you were scared of Mr. Martinez. So we would set him up with traps. We would fuck with him with traps.

Oh, yeah. Like if he passed it past the corner, you'd throw a fucking stick. at them. I mean, we had Mr. Martini tortured. That's great. And then other kids from the block would come on and I would make him go in front of Mr. Martini's house. I would go, let's go play stoop ball in front of Mr. Martini's house. That's when you slam the ball off the stairs. Stoop ball? Step ball? No, stoop ball is when you hit the ball off the stairs that bounces out and you have to catch it for a single or double. So we would play stoop ball and he would lose his fucking mind. He would come out and say, what, I just tell you, little mother.

fuckers. So my mother had a legwa and this other thing Allegua is the thing that you put by the door and you're supposed to put candies in it and silver coins and pennies. Is it for like luck or something? Yeah, for sluck. So I would take a handful of change. And in those days

those little poor white kids, they'd kill a motherfucker for a quarter. Because it was a soda for a car. That was me. Yeah. So I would tell them, come here, guys. You guys want to make a quarter? And they would go, yeah. And I would throw the quarter into Mr. Martini's basement. And They would know that you weren't allowed, and they would jump the fans.

Mr. Martini would come out in him with a stick and shit. With their PF fans on or whatever the friend was called. You don't know how many kids would come back to me, beat up. I love that. You motherfucker, you trap me. Mr. Monti beat me up, and I didn't get a quarter and shit. I would just take new people and throw a quarter over there and make them jump over. And then one day, like, I torture Mr. Martini for about two years.

It was like a slow, in summers every day. And this is in Jersey? This was in 205 West 88 Street. Oh, okay. So if we were 205, he had to be like 198. Okay. He was on the right-hand side, and we were on the left-hand side going towards Central Park. And dog, we would just hang across his house and say shit.

So we couldn't hang in front of your house. Right. So now we crossed the street, and that territory in front of his house on the street, we created that game that's like pool, but only you play it with like coins. Yeah. You play and you have to go through circles, number one. Oh, yeah, yeah. I forgot the name of that.

Number five. And what you did was, you removed the circle thing from the chair, dead box. And he didn't like that either. And then there was once a day in the summer where the trees would get refilled with dirt balls. Shipballs? No, dirt balls. So it would be balls that would just made a dirt. Oh, okay.

It was just dirt that was compressed and they would plant new trees and put those dirt balls around. Listen, you could throw them at people and they'd just blow up. It would just be dirt when you got hit with it. That's amazing. On that day, it was Mr. Martini Day. You know how you have like National Dut Day? National Secretary's Day. Whenever those trees got filled up, you knew to go outside

that you were going to bombard Mr. Martini at some point of the day. That's amazing. So we started bombarding them with the fucking dirt balls at first. Little by little, pop, pa, pa, pop, pop, and we'd run away and he chases. And then one winter, I remember his... hitting him with like a fucking, like a Kennedy assassination of snowballs. Like four of those got together and he got hit with snowballs from every fucking direction. But I had my P.F. Lies on.

I knew I could get away with him. Yeah. And I ran this motherfucker all the way to Spanish Harlem, 98th Street. Down to Broadway. And then after like maybe 90th Street, we just started walking. And it was getting dark out. Like this is how. So he's still falling.

This is how long the drunk was. We started tortured him when it was daylight. Yeah. And we ran so far and so long. And when we were coming back on Broadway, it was already starting to get dark. I'll never forget this. Yeah.

And it was Christmas time. And these kids think playing Fortnite's fun. It had to be like eight of us or seven of us that eluded Mr. Martini. And at that time, we weren't giving each other high fires. We were just walking back going, fuck him. We got him.

And on the corner of 88 Street, there was a fattening. photography store and right there some guys sold Christmas trees. I will never forget this. And we're walking, walking, walking. And we're going to make the left onto 88th Street to walk to our prospective buildings. Something made me look. I saw the tree jiggle a little bit. And I looked at the tree and I saw Mr. Martini's hand.

Look at this fucking guy. Mr. Martini's hand put his hand to the tree, opened it up. He's like, I got you. And then we all ran, fuck for him. home. Somebody was asking me a couple weeks ago. Like when I look at mercy now.

A Jew coming out of a Christmas tree, he's got to be frightening. He was dressed in the black and he chased this. And I still remember hitting my building and running up the stairs. I didn't have time to take the elevator. You probably didn't even touch a stair.

And I didn't stop at three. Because I knew that there was another staircase on the other side of the, so every floor had two staircases. Cases. So I ran them up to like the sixth floor. Then I hit the staircase and got up at three and went to my house on safe and he never fucked with me again. But that day I knew Mr. Martini was going to kill one of us. Like I knew it eventually. He was going to snap. If you kept poking this bear. Like six or five? Six. Seven. But that was what you did back in the day. You stayed out all day. Fuck with people. We had something called shitballs. I think they're called ginkgo balls for real. But I used to mess with Bobby Lane. This was part of the reason. and he got mad at me.

But they fall out of the tree and they smell like shit. My mom was like, if you go over there, just burn your clothes. Don't even come home. Like, because it would stay on you.

So one day I was out there and these Asian ladies were picking it up. And I'm like, what are you doing with that? And she goes, oh, we make a soup. I said,

what the fuck? They're putting shitballs in their food. Like, it freaked me out. So when I met Bobby Lee, I'm like, do you eat shitballs? And he got so mad at me. Talk to me for,

for like a year. No. Nobody knows it the fuck. Is that why you don't eat Chinese food? Yeah, at all. Because of that. At all. Nope.

Really? No way. Never. Not what I saw. Fuck that. And then my old boyfriend in high school, his dad used to like run Chinatown. I'm not sure what he did, but they used to always take us in the back of the restaurants. Was he Chinese?

No. No. I'm not allowed to do that. I'm kidding. I'm like that fought in Korea. It's disrespectful. So, no, I'm teasing. but we uh he was an italian guy and his name was mario naturally and uh we his dad we would go see his dad

i don't know what he did up there but he had some kind of connection or in i think he was a lone shark i'm not sure so we would go and we would go in the back and my mario loved it he'd be like get this get that and i'd just be sitting there like nauseous like there's shitballs in there get me out of here i hated it i never ate chinese i don't eat seafood either i'm like weird No seafood, no shrimp, no fish. Nope, no. No, because the fishing, my dad used to take my brother's fishing, and then they would cut the fish open, like they'd throw the eyes at me and shit,

take the teeth out, look at his teeth, you know, here's his dick. I'm like, what, fish have dicks? So you only eat chicken and meat? Pretty much. I didn't eat chicken for a long time. I think that's why I'm skinny, I guess. I eat nothing. I eat peanut butter and jelly.

I don't. I love the. concept of cooking. I really love, appreciate the concept of cooking. You don't appreciate good cooking to eat shit cooking. You know, you see what goes in, the preparation, the cutting, the seasoning. My mom's good cooking. I got lucky. I'm a firm belief like me and him go to a place that he gets the same

fucking tacos every time. They're the worst tacos I've ever had because they don't season the fucking beef. The carniest out of that tastes like shit. That's gross. They don't season the beef. It's just beef with lettuce, tomato on. I can taste that. I don't want to taste beef with lettuce and tomato on it. I want to taste the fucking meat. The carnita is a good. The carnita is a good. Another chicken taco

guy, you know. But my point is if I had a cook, I wouldn't eat. Yeah. I tell you this, guys, sincerely, chicken is the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever looked at it. Please don't. I didn't eat it for 10 years.

I don't like chicken cutlets. I don't like dipping them. I don't like flour on my fingers. You know, I'm just... So many things. I agree with you. I'm just not a... When I cooked, if I think if I really serious, I want to lose weight, I have to cook

because I won't. Because I don't like to see food in its natural, disgusting fucking steak. You want to just eat the steak. You don't want to know how the cows slaughter, like the whole process. Would you be a vegetarian? I'm close, man. There's weeks and months where I go without it because I'm, I'll get nauseous from something.

If you told me today, if you came to me today, like today I went to the hard doctor. Okay. And they did an EKG and they found a normality. And me and the doctor will laugh and it's nothing serious. Right. You just want to get a test out. But if he came to me today and said, Joey, you can't eat meat no more, I wouldn't be upset. Okay.

Like the last seven years, I've been training myself more and more to get off meat. Yeah. you know, to get off meat because it's just, it's just for this age. Yeah. For this age, I cannot go into Mortons anymore. Like 15 years ago when I met, Rogan, I could go into a fucking whatever steakhouse with Joe and look at them and get the 16 ounce prime rib, kill the potatoes, kill the steak, dip the bread, take half of his appetizers, you know, and go upstairs and go up stairs and go to sleep.

Oh, yeah. feel something. You know, what you could eat at 20 is going to be completely different. Where you could eat at 40 and when you could eat at 50. I know now, like I can't eat meat after 8 o'clock at night. It's got to be like four ounces, something light. If I go to a steak house or somewhere with my wife for a date and I decide to eat meat, I eat half the portion at night. I cut it right in half and I give it to her. There's nothing I like more than listen. What do you like fatty meat? Like, um, no, I like steak. Like filet or you go with the other one what's the other one rib eye well to get flavor you need more fat to get the

flavor yes I can I can only do the fillet and I like a well done like I just want with Ari to fucking the place in New York uh Lugers yeah oh it's the best yeah was in Brooklyn yeah Williamsburg when you taste the meat I know they spent time on this meat that's all I don't know Peter Luger that's it's all you ever want from anything yeah is I want you're distinct flavor I've been there a long time yeah I want Your distinct flavor in this state. Yeah, you could taste it. I can tell when I ate a piece of meat

that you didn't put no effort on it. You know, I don't know. Chicken, same thing, you know. Yeah, a stale dry. There's extra things you can do to chicken. Yeah. To give it that oomph. Salmon, for example, is a hard thing to cook.

I don't like that. I cooked it once. It tastes like dick. It's the sauce you make with the salmon to deviate that flavor. You know what I'm saying? I like, I like, I like, I like salmon, but I just can't eat a bagel rock sandwich.

I need the cream cheese. I need something to tame that fishyness. Yeah, I don't like fish. Swordfish when you hit the dark spots. It's like eating the fish's lung. That's so gross hearing that. But, you know, you have to, when you eat fish and meat, all that stuff, especially chicken. Like, I don't want to see it.

And let me tell you something. I saw chicken go from. the whole process. I'm a Santeria guy. Come on. So I see them come out. They hold them. They take the fucking feathers off. They got to pray over it first. Pray over it. Chop the head off, milk it. Yeah. And then that night, that's you're eating for dinner. I would go, I'm not eating that. I don't give a fuck. I was telling my wife the other day about something.

When I got, I pray for my daughter every day. And I pray for my mother's soul because I can't believe I put my mother through what I put her through. We're having an issue at the house right now. with food and the baby. We went to some other people's house on Saturday. And they told us when their daughter was three, she was the queen of sushi. Okay. And now she won't even eat sushi.

When Mercy was two, she would eat the black part of the salmon, the bottom, and eat it like, and chew on it, black beans, white rice, pork. Now she's six. That's adult food where I come from. It's either chicken nuggets or spaghetti every night. She eats more spaghetti.

a fucking guinea i'd never seen a kid eat more fuck my daughter loves spaghetti every night all kids spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti i told you that i said listen man you're growing you're going to karate you're swimming you need protein so we got to start fucking hamping it up yeah so you better start fucking eat you got to sneak it in so monday there was a big argument at the house monday her and the mother went at it okay she ended up going to bed at seven o'clock the last thing you want to do is fight with terry my wife came into that room and she goes she's in bed at seven o'clock please And my wife was so pissed, she went for a ride. She goes, I got to leave.

And I went in there, like, at 7.30. I go, what's up? She wouldn't even look at me. She was just staring straight ahead. Because my mother, Terry pulled my mother. Yeah. You don't want to eat? You don't get nothing.

Go to bed. No food, no dinner. And I'm throwing away the donut because we stopped and got donuts after karate. So my wife fucking threw away the donut. There was an argument that was yelling. They were screaming. He got to stick to it, man. And I told you.

Terry, what I used to do. At that time, when I was six already, I had money in the back room. Yeah. So one day I was looking out of the window, and I saw this company called Chicken Delight. And one day, me and my friends, there was a Blumpy base, there was a pizza place, and down the block was this chicken place. But I just came from cute. I'd never smelled anything like that. You could smell that chicken up the block.

Cute, you would think you smell more. And one day I went to that chicken place. I must have been about five. And I walked in there, and I got a three-piece chicken, and it was delicious with the fucking French fries, not the curly flies, but crinkle cut. Crinkle cut. And they give you a little package of jelly,

and I used to dip the french fries and grape jelly. Oh, my God, my nephew does that. I used to dip the french fries, then they give you a bun, and I would eat the bun, and I loved it. So when my mother would cook those fucking tremendous Cuban meals, I would look at my mother and go, I'm not eating it. And she would go, fine, go in your room, you're punished. and she'd be out there getting ready

to go to her bar and shit a couple of friends would be over and next thing you know you hear Bing bong And my mother and her friends will go Who's that at the door? And I go, it's for me And I would walk right past my mom

Yes, I would And who is it? And I'd say, Chicken Delight, don't cook tonight Because I was just learning How to speak English I thought that was cool So I would look at my mom and go

Don't cook tonight Go chicken delight And I would get the chicken delight And I would walk past her with a Tahitian treat. They had, they delivered Tahitian treat to soda. Oh, it was like a fruit punch in a can. Ooh.

And I would walk past my mother and I could hear my heart. My mother's heart just going, like I just cooked you a traditional Cuban dinner. I'll never forget the first time she came in there. She had like tears in her head. She's like, you miserable, son of a bitch. Now I know I know.

You like that filthy. Now I know why your father died to get away. from you because you eat that shit. Look at you. You're going to die. She went off on me the first time. Slam the door, spit on the floor. She did the whole thing. Spit on the floor is a problem.

How dare you eat that chicken when I cooked a beautiful meal for you. So I got to the point where. Who paid for it? Me because I had the $10. It was like $4 and a dollar tip. Oh yeah. I had that guy over the house four nights a week. My mother got pissed.

Pest. Then she just stopped. She goes, I'm not going to compete with this shit. Yeah. How much do you crave Cuban food now? I would eat it every meal. See? Well, we don't know.

You don't know. You change your taste, but you change. I have a nephew. He didn't need anything. I'm telling you nothing. He's skin and bones, this kid. He hated every single thing. He would go to the bathroom.

It would come out white. He had nothing in him. It was the weirdest. We were like, you've got to eat. And finally, like, he's obsessed with my other nephew little Jimmy who plays for the Minnesota twins. Very exciting. But he's obsessed with him because he's a baseball player and he's big and he's athletic, you know. So Jimmy was like, hey, well, if you're not going to eat, like, he would have to mess with him.

And my other nephew Brandon, too, he wouldn't eat either. So Jimmy, they lie to him and tell him that chicken is pork because he won't eat chicken because he got sick on chicken nuggets. So they're like, no, it's pork. And he's like, all right. And he eats it. But you have to lie to these kids to get him to eat. And we have to FaceTime with little Jimmy to get him to get Conrad to eat. Yeah, I was a hot.

Crazy shit. Now he's getting better. He's seven now. So it's a little bit better. And I was popping it because I wanted to be, the other side of the coin was I wanted to be American. Yeah. So I thought by the more American food I ate, I'd become American. Hot dogs on the corner, sad bread.

Fuck. I would inhale 22 of those fucking things. Oh my God. You know what I loved when I was a kid? Not ashamed to admit it. Swanson's TV dinners. Same. The Salisbury steak.

My mom used to get so mad at me. With the apple cobblower in the middle, I could eat 20 of those things. And then the superhero line came out with. She's so mad at me for that. Swanson still makes, right? Yeah, of course. The big man. Yeah.

The chicken wasn't bad. It's so salty. Oh, yeah, you'll die. You'll die. Yeah, you'll die. Your shoulders go up. You're like, oh, something's happening. Your heart starts caving in.

No, no. If you eat it now, fucking. I haven't eaten that shit in 40 years. Every once in a while, I'll get like a raven. Okay, where I do hate, the chicken pot pie. Those things are nastiest motherfucking thing. That is gross. But the butcher in my mother's neighborhood, they make them fresh, and it's delicious.

I would get them in prison and I would eat just a chicken. I would eat the top off, the shell, and the chicken. The carrots and the peas and that fucking ugat sauce. Fuck you. I'm not eating that shit. I don't know what the sauce was. No, I never know what the fucking sauce was. It's an Italian butcher, and they make a hot sauce.

beautiful. They make it great. It's phenomenal. It tastes like chicken Alfred almost in the pastry. I tell you what I always like. With peas and carrots. I'll tell you what I always like is day one. This is why it shocks me about Chinese. I can't live without Chinese food. That's amazing. I love it. And this

shit out here is fucking god-awful. God-awful. Andrew has a new one I have to tell you about it. Green apples. That's the one. I don't know where that is. It's got the garlic fried rice, the heaven chicken, and the and the Chinese filet mignon. Because he's a Chinese guy like you.

The egg roll is not good. The dumplings are not bad. Yeah. The spare ribs are not good. I love that this is all about food. Yeah, no, no. A couple things are good day. You just got to watch what you eat there.

That's it. Listen, people don't eat pork out here. So spare ribs, brisket, all that shit don't hold out here. But there's the thing about Chinese food. My sister used to order it all the time, drove me crazy. What was it called? Wan time?

Okay. So then you take it out. I go, what's in the middle? She's like, it's pork. But it was like a little brown and then for some reason red on the tip. You don't want to know what's in there. What the fuck is that? I told genius over here. He would go to Korea Town amongst fucking, everybody's looking for a cat. Everybody's got a poster with a missing cat. That's right. And he's like the dumplings. They're trying to kill us. Don't eat that shit. Don't eat the dumplings. Even the place I, what it is is like a hot dog. The meat inside. the dumpling or the Chinese restaurant. I don't eat hot dogs either. It's whatever they don't use. Oh, we got an eyeball, we got a chicken flip. We got a lizard spine. We throw it in there. We mix it up with some fucking chicken and they tell you whatever the fuck they want. They tell you whatever they want. I can't believe that. I can't believe that. You've never heard about that shit before. I can't because when we would be in the back of that restaurant with my ex's father, I'd be like, holy shit. I don't think there was a sink to wash your hands. I don't, there was chickens.

running around. I got arrested one time. Cats running around. I got arrested one time. And I was getting transferred from Hackensack to where I got a Bergen County jail to go get a rain to add some other jail. And I had neat. Okay. I had neat. And I was a gentleman when I got arrested. I didn't know no big deal. Gave my name. We talked. And the cop that was transferring me, I'm in the back of the car. And I'm like, like listen man you're gonna take me to this jail and they're gonna put me in a cell there's not gonna be any food and I gotta be honest you haven't eaten since like fucking five o'clock it's like nine o'clock or one o'clock I hadn't eat right it was late yeah I was like trying to I was starting to lose a little bit I did you have to me a

favor we're gonna drive past chance dragon then do you mind if I stop in there might there weren't felonies there were misdemeanors yeah it was possession of uh stolen prop weapons to you break in, you know, that's it. Yeah. And the Kazakh, you, we the chans. And that's the best Chinese restaurant around. Let me tell you a little story. It was a couple years ago, the Detective's Bureau,

there was a safe cracker, and he was cracking safes. And he was going all around the area. And that we had good information that he did rest. That's what he was doing. He was doing restaurants. So he goes, under our estimations, we figured Chan's going to be next. So we sat in the restaurant one night. And we waited until they closed.

And when they turned off the lights, we had to turn the lights on after 15 minutes. Because the rats were so big in that. I can't. And you know what, Elinor? Until this day. And you still eat this? I still eat that. I make believe I don't know what I'm fucking eating.

Because it's so good. If it's somebody's cat, I could taste the tears and the salt and the, you could taste the tissue paper. Like this cat was loved. Yeah, you get warm. They didn't like this cat. It's like snort and coke. You get euphoric and shit. But no, no, no.

You know, you pray for the best at these places and you try to, listen, I would never eat pulled pork from somewhere. That's just different. There's foods that if you eat out, you're a fucking idiot. You deserve to get food poisoning. You deserve to what's coming with you. Yeah. That's stuff I won't eat. I look at the people.

I refuse to eat it. Like, I just refuse. I'm as picky as you are. Seafood, you got to be careful with it. So you're going to eat seafood at a fast fucking place joint. You're going to get fucking sick. I love when people order it at a diner. If you go to Jack in the Box or a diner and eat a piece of salmon, you're going to get fucking sick.

You're going to get fucking sick. You know? Trout. What's the one my mom likes? Addick? Amundine. No, it's some kind of, it's the bottom of the, it's the worst kind to eat. Car.

That's not the word. I forget. Some fish, you always order that everywhere we go. I'm like, that's the worst. It's like a vacuum cleaner fish. Yeah, it's the bottom feeders, they call it. Listen.

Not trout, that's what fish is. Think of what fish really swung. I can't. No. We really is human. Never thinking about it. If you're a human and you really sit there and say to yourself, what am I really eating?

Grupper. At all levels. At all levels. Whether it's beef. how it was kept, you know, when they did that movie about the McDonald's chain. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They tested it. I remember reading about it years later, then when they test a hamburger patty from one of those fat foods joints,

there's a percentage of fecal matter in there. Please. That's well known. If you don't know that going in, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, you know that it's. You know what's going in, you know. When I read that whole thing about, if I go. there I'm going there to hurt myself.

What I heard about the whole thing about Vegas. I read about this 30 years ago. What made me? Paul Costellano's father was a butcher. Okay. Paul Costalano's father was a butcher. Paul Costalano was cousins with Carlo Gambino. And his son, Paul, turned out to be the boss of the Gambino's like John Gotti shot.

It was common knowledge. In one of their books, they wrote the whole scam of how in the 50s, 50s they got after Bugsy opened it up they cut a deal with the National Butchers Association or whatever in New York Whatever your meat is on a shelf for more than five days You don't lose we'll pick it up when we deliver the meat and we'll give you 50% of the dollar on it So if the store bought that meat what they did immediately with that meat was take it back to a warehouse Pack it on ice and show ship it to Las Vegas.

Once it got to Las Vegas, they cut it out, and they dipped it in a chemical. I read this. Whether it's right or wrong, it makes sense. It does. The chemicals keep it alive,

which keep it alive, it keeps it pink for three more fucking days. And then that's the steak and eggs you eat for $199. Right. And you go to Vegas and you're like, I need a steak for 99 cents. I got over.

Look at me. Fucking idiots When you go to your room And you get up in the middle of the night That four and you go to pee You get that little runs And then a piece of shit comes out The runs isn't sufficient

To make you think Yeah You follow me So that's what the chemical does to you But we put so much in so many foods So when I read that At an early age I knew

You know when you see those guys In New York City And you're swallowing down Those hot dogs on the corner And you're swallowing down Those hot dogs in the corner, you know, look at that water. Yeah.

You know, every time they get their hands dirty. Every time they get their hands dirty, they take an ice cube. Yeah. And they throw it in the water. They take some of that hot water rubbing in their hands. And they, you know, you have to assume. Pink eye. I don't know why you would go there.

You have to assume these things. Yeah. I agree. When you go to a restaurant, you're judging it by that. Don't get me wrong. You go to Peter Luggan and get a bad clamp. You go to legal seafood and eat a bad oyster or bad clamp. It happens.

but the higher percentages, you know, like they're not going to, they inspect their shit daily. Yes. They pay a guy at an hour to open up each chuck, smell them and check them out. Look at the lobsters,

make sure the lobsters don't have the algae on the shelf. Did you ever eat like the hot nuts in New York? I haven't been in New York in a while, so I don't know if they have it. I love the smell of it, but I've never eaten them. They still have them. I was just there three weeks ago. It's creepy.

It's a great smell. It's hot nuts. I don't know. I love hot nuts normally. No, I'm just kidding. I don't get the hot nut thing. You have to look at the animal you're dealing with. Exactly.

And you have to decide. You know, lucky for me, I got food poisoning a couple of years ago, and I can't even blame it on that. But it seemed like a 24-hour food virus thing. Well, who do you blame that? What do you mean? Like, if you got sick from a restaurant. I ate there 20 times, and I never got sick before.

I had one time I went. Okay. taco stand by the ha ha ha ha next to the sushi place that place and then sushi for example when I first got here yeah the biggest place was the mall or weight watches is on mentura across the burger place what's name of the burger bowl doubt stout across from stout on the second floor was all you could eat sushi and wheels and all those fucking guys will come up there and go oh it's great and I'll never forget going up there the first time and going I'm not eating this shit. Yeah, that's not great. I was a poor fucking comic and I was like, I'm not

eating this shit. I was that smart. I got back in the car and went right back to Wendy's and got my 99 cents, Junior Burger, my bowl of chili for the five hours. It was worth it. That fucking sushi place, they had sushi waiting out there for five minutes a cent. That's where it ends with me. When I go to a restaurant, I just went somewhere. I'm not going to mention the name about two weeks ago where I sent the order back. You know why? Because it's flu season, you got my dish in your fucking hand, and you stop and start talking to stuff from a fucking

other waiter and having a conversation. And here's my food, and here's your fucking breath. I made the guy send it back. Go, you were talking on my food for 10 minutes. He just froze. I go, next time you have somebody's food in your hand. Never. Bring it to the table. And then have the conversation

later. They had a two-minute conversation on my food. Like if you're saying, go get table, whatever, and you turn your head, that's fine. But if you... It was a chick and a white dude trying to be kidding. Oh, fuck that.

I'm a food server. And then she stopped and kept talking to the guy with my fucking food. And I was... And I told her, I took her, come here. You talked over my fucking clams for the fucking 10 minutes. Go bring me some new one. She just looked at me.

And she knew not to say a word because I would have won with the fucking manager. Oh, yeah. Bring my food to the table. You don't have to talk to nobody. Yeah. Just bring my food to the table. I agree a thousand.

Especially if you're paying top dollar. There's a thousand things I look. I used to go to a restaurant, Cuban place. I love Cuban food. You know why I stop going there? Why? Because the windows were dirty. I know exactly which one you're talking about.

If you can't wipe the windows where the door is, I can't eat at your place. Yeah, it's that simple. I can't eat at your place. It shouldn't look like a shack. That's a detail that cannot be missed by a busboy, an employee, a bartender, a waiter, there's certain things that cannot be missed.

Yeah. That I will fire you on because that's detail. That's part of the detail. I cannot. So not one person that you have working in this establishment notice that these windows were dirty, I can't do business. I love that.

And that's it. You have nine losers working for you. Because not one person took a look and took initiative to get a newspaper and a piece of wind decks. and just go like this and wipe the fucking thing down. It's seconds. It takes seconds.

So when you go into- To keep a customer. And I'm going to tell you something, nine of the ten kitchens you go in are not going to be A ratings. No. Especially why you're moving and shoving. A kitchen's nasty. But let's be honest.

You know how many times I've dropped a piece of fucking steak on the floor and I got 10 cats and I'll pick that motherfucker on the pub and eat it. I'm never coming to your house to eat. No. Sometimes, you know, sometimes you fell on the floor for a second. I know. My sister-law-law. Meanwhile, you blew some guy in Minneapolis that you didn't know.

That's true. Not you. I'm just saying. We have to all be in perspective here of what's really going out. No, I agree. Yeah. But when you go to most restaurants during action, shit's going to happen. Shit's going to happen.

You know, a piece of hair is going to fall out of somebody's hair. I understand all that shit. There's certain things that I don't understand that. Yeah. That's what. When I sit at the table and I can feel shit on the table, we got to go. Yeah. We got to go.

We got to go. If I could feel dirt on the table, Not one of years. And then I look at the towel they use. If it's just a towel from the counter that they've been using all day, get up. It's those little signs. So I understand, like, when you eat anything, you know, what if when I'm picking the lettuce? I'm picking my nose.

I'm picking the fucking lettuce. It's all the same. I literally will throw up. So this is why you have to think to yourself that at every level you're eating something that's fucked up. If you really sit down and think about it, you. You won't eat at all. You'll become one of those Africans with flies all over you. I'm telling you I'm so close to that.

I skeeve a lot of shit. That's what we call it from these colors. Same, yeah. Skeev. Skiwats. I skeeve fucking food. I skeeve people more. I told Lee, when I first moved here and you're a broke comic, there wasn't a week

that I didn't go to, what's the Arab place on Gower, on Hollywood Boulevard. I'll be here. I'll be gone. I'll be not going there. for sure, whatever. I don't know how many times. I'll be sure. Yeah, it was his name.

Ali, Ali was here. Ali was here. Then you called the place and he goes, Ali there. And he goes, no, no, I'll leave. Ali was here. What kind of food is it? Mediterranean.

The chicken is to die for. Like, I used to go there three times a week, Josh Wolfe, fucking Mitch Hedberg, Stan, all of us. Was it cheap? Yeah, I'm Gower. Okay. I'm Gower in Hollywood Boulevard.

If you make a left-down Hollywood and God, it's in that disgusting strip. Yeah, I would never go in there. I would never let them, give me the hummus. The hummus was like beige. Yeah. Hummus is beige. It's fucking disgusting.

All that shit, like, that stuff there, you'll die even harder. Like, if you get that shit, that's bad. David Tell calls it ISIS peanut butter. Yeah, that's what it is. It's disgusting. It's fucking disgusting. To even think of that, like,

my neighbor, you get a smack in the hand if you even brought that to a party. Yeah. I've never seen it. No. I didn't see guacamole until I moved to California. I never had that. I love avocado.

Never in my life. No, I've seen an avocado in Philadelphia. See, Cubans are grown with real avocados. You guys out here in Miami in Florida, you get those midget Mexican avocados. Go to Miami. I don't eat them. You don't eat avocado at all? No.

Oh, my God. A little sliced avocado on a turkey and Swiss sandwich with some tomato. Good googly-moogly. No, really? I've never seen it I drove past that place today when I was coming back from the heart doctor

Oh The place that makes that sandwich I'm fucking Holland Boulevard That you love Oh okay A little avocado A little turkey and Swiss Nice tomatoes

Tomatoes A little shredded lettuce I don't eat turkey You don't need turkey Or Swiss Really I know I'm telling you I'm the worst eater

I'm the cheapest date What do you eat for breakfast? Fruit Like sometimes I'll have an egg Like a I got back into eggs It took, I was out of that for 10 years. I'll just like scramble an egg, you know.

No toast? No. If I'm at my mom's, she'll usually throw in toast or bagels. Bacon, no, unless my mom makes it. Because if you go to a restaurant, you order bacon, they usually microwave it. It's fucking disgusting. Microwave, it becomes robbery. So I got turned off about 10 years ago for bacon.

What are you for lunch? usually a power bar I'm just kidding I love pasta I eat a lot of pasta and I'll usually put like now I'm trying to put vegetables more the past year because I realized there was an entire year when I didn't eat anything green because I'm terrible I'm terrible at that

like I'll eat peanut butter and jelly I'll eat peanut butter and jelly on crackers I'll eat like chicken I'll bake chicken and cut it up and then now I'll throw vegetables on it but before I just used to eat that with pasta. By it's like no green at all. How about spaghetti sauce?

I like sometimes marinerar, certain ones. I don't make it. How about lasagna? If I make it, if my mom makes it, I eat it. God forbid I learn how to make it like she does and make it for myself out here. If a guy takes you on a date to an Italian restaurant. I get chicken parm. I'll get pasta marinerra with chicken or chicken Alfredo.

I like that one sometimes. It's got to be done right, though. Hamburgers? I like hamburger. Cheeseburgers. Steaks? Mm-hmm. So you're halfway there.

Yeah. It's simple. Yeah. Steak and potato. I'm a really, really cheap date, just in case anybody's looking. But no seafood. No, seafood.

Since a young age, you just... No, my dad would bring the fish home and put it in the drain board. Like, it was just gross. It always made me sick. I feel like I put fish and bees together because I was always getting stung by a bee while they were fishing

because I was grossed out. So I would like wander off and that I get surrounded by bees. You really have to think. I am a little slow. I'm a little messed up. Again, now let's get away from the beef and chicken. There's nothing else for me. Think about what's really, really in the ocean.

Grilled cheese. I like grilled cheese. Think about what's really, really, really in the ocean. Yeah. Didn't they do a test on the beach in Santa Monica? And there was like fucking drugs in there. Oh, yeah. There's needles coming up, all kinds of shit.

You know, so you have this wildlife. I mean, I know what covered was 60% water or whatever. I've never been in the water out here, have you? In the beach? Yeah, yeah. I don't do it. Jersey, I'll do it all day, wildwood. Yeah, that's why you glow in the dark because you slammed down the Jersey show with the radioactive shit.

You come out with a mess. Let me ask you something. How long did you work at the store before you decided to come up on stage? Twelve years. And throughout that time, it wasn't that you wanted to do staying. ended up of nothing never that's why mitzie and i got along so well because i don't want stage time i wasn't i didn't go help her for something in return you remember when all the mooks used to show up at her house mitts let me help you you know with this today because all they wanted was stage time

some of them were robbing her i'm not going to mention any names but they were there all the time using her phone calling new york you know or just taking her food looking for jewelry i'm like the fuck this woman's like sick but so she trusted me because i don't want anything from her like stage time so after freddie died is when everything kind of went haywire in my head and i was like what are you doing so it was kind of like a this is your life moment and freddie always was like you should be doing stand-up we could go on the road together and i'm like you just misery loves company you know i'd always throw it back in his face. And then after he passed, I told Mitzie, I said, I'm going to do this one woman show. She's like, oh, honey, yeah, it's great. Do it in the belly room, you know. So I did.

And Andrew came to see it. And he was like, you're doing stand-up, stupid. And I'm like, no, no, no, this is a one-woman show. I'm going to talk about my family. I'm going to tell all these crazy stories about South Philly. Like, I always joke about South Philly is like Flint, Michigan, but we didn't complain about the water. We just kept drinking it. So, so I were a little off, you know what I mean? Like I would tell all the crazy stories about my friends and stuff. And he was like, no, it's stand up. And then he took me on the road with him.

And then I got booed off the stage. That was pretty bad in New York. And Andrew fired me for like a year because he was like, you got to see if you're really serious about this. Like a lot of people get into it and they think, oh, it's easy. Everybody does stand up. All you got to do is get a podcast and, you know, then they'll give you stage time.

That's not how it worked. You really got to be dedicated to it. And Andrew wanted to see if I was like just fucking around or really into this. And then I would go on stage every night anywhere I could for a little over a year. And then he had me re-showcase, if you will, in Vegas. When Andrew told you couldn't go on the road no more, were you angry with him? No. Did you see where he was coming from?

I did. Because in New York, it was so bad when they booed me off. the stage so bad. I'm telling you that we were at the Westbury music theater so it's in the round. So people are hating you from the back, the front, the sides. I'm sweating so bad. Like my half-bross slid down, looked like I had tumors on my stomach. Like it was brutal. And I'm trying to get lines out. Nothing's happening. They're boo, fuck you, Philly stink, Philly, blah, blah, blah. Just because I said I'm from Philly. You know what I mean? And I remember catching eyes with my sister Karen, who drove two and a half hours to come see me do stand up, you know,

three months into stand up pretty much. I'm in front of all these people. And she was all excited. And I remember locking eyes with her. And she looked at me like, what do you want to do? I'm going to fight this whole fucking room. I'll fight everybody in here. And we look exactly alike.

We're 10 years apart. So I remember being like, all right, my sister's here. Calm down. Just figure this out. Wrap it up. I think I did five or six minutes. even though they were booing the whole fucking time. I got off and Andrew was like,

fuck them, I'm not going on. I saw how hurt he got. Like, he's like, that's my family. You just hurt my family. You don't know who she is to me. So he wasn't going to go on. And then he went on and beat the shit out of that crowd. He had the best that I've ever seen him have.

And I went upstairs and cried for a little bit and then came down and watched him. And people in the audience were like, oh we just wanted to uh you know see andrew we weren't we didn't really care about you sorry about the booing and i'm like sorry i'll fucking kill you like you know no idea what that did to me but all that did was propel me because now it pissed me off you're saying i'm not good enough or whatever you know and i couldn't handle it Andrew's a purest when it comes to comedy joe rogan's a purest when it comes to comedy and i got to tell you something as much of the piece of shit i am i'm a purest when it comes to comedy absolutely

If I had to speak my mind about what I really think of comedy, a lot of people would not be happy to me, okay? It's true. Because I don't like a lot of nonsense that goes on. And there's too much of it. More power to them. I was always trying to strive to be a fucking comedian. So I know when somebody's faking the fuck.

Absolutely. I don't even have to watch this set. When somebody comes to me and says, I've been doing stand up for four years and that, listen, I've heard this story a thousand times. So don't come on to me with you bullshit. Yeah. I'll hear about you.

If you're real, we'll hear it. We'll hear it. That's right. We'll hear about it. Because all the years at the comedy store, my love and appreciation grew thousand times bigger than ever. Like, that's why I would say, I can't be a, I'm not a comic, I'm a fucking waitress.

not one of you people. Like I thought you had to have this as a kid. I want to be a stand-up. You know what I mean? Like every comic I talked to that I loved, every comic that was genuine and stood out, you know, the Judy Golds, the Dom Ireras, the Joe Diaz, the Joe Rogans, you know, all these guys that came through that Brian Holtsman that really got Doug Stanhope, like you watch him, you're like, mesmerized. And there was thousands of comics in between them, but they didn't stand out. There are just people I know from the comedy story, you know. They were trying to milk it, if you will. So the ins and out of comedy, I knew.

You knew. You knew the nuts and the both. I just didn't think I wanted it. Now, I don't know what I do without it, which is, it's 12 years now. I'm 12 and 12. Isn't that crazy? 24 years. And you watched it, watched it grow, watched people write jokes from day one.

Bomb. I watched Freddie bomb. I watched so many people. People come in with heat. Yeah. Disappeared. Like, people just disaffucking peered. Like, they didn't even.

even exist. There's so many of them. We watched my first ex-fiancee was a booking agent. So we watched, I went on the road with Chris Rock, watched him at the store when he was doing Bring the Pain. We watched him at the store do it. Then we went to Riviera, Sheripa's Room, and he was building it there. So I hung out with Billy for the weekend, you know, and watched Chris and then in Jersey at Rascals. I watched him build that amazing one of my favorite specials. It's Definitely in the top five. Bring the pain, Chris Rock. It's tremendous.

But when you, what I'm telling you, I watched him bomb and not bomb and take a joke, build a joke, fix a joke, whatever words you want to use. Like, it was phenomenal. Like that, like Mitzi always says, comedy stores a college. And she would say, well, I went to the best college, honey. Because 12 years, I got to study that. I mean, I should be a brain surgeon 12 years, but. I was, I had to go and, you know, I got to double check everything. So I check all my prices online to make sure the club isn't fucking with me.

And I went on the improv website. And I went to click on about two months ago. And I was high and I just, I was at night. I was killing time, you know. I was going through the comics that were going there. And I found out I see all these Instagram. Oh, that's a fact. And all these YouTube people.

Yep. And it's like, I get it. It's a check. It's a check. But where I'm coming from, you won't. It doesn't hurt me. It doesn't hurt me at all. It doesn't hurt my business.

It doesn't interfere with me. I feel for them because I know what they're about to go through. You know, all this shit is great until something like that bad happens. And then you think about all this shit you could have done. Like when you saw McGregor holding onto his head, after Kaabib. He wasn't thinking about the check. He was thinking about all the time he wasted

on not working what he should have been working on. That's right. When I shot my Netflix special on the ride home, I knew what the recipe was. I wasn't doing. And now I'm sticking to it, and that's why I am doing what I'm doing today. But I saw something years ago.

I saw a comic that was young, handsome, had all the tools to be a comic. And he was a great writer. Okay. And he got good at a certain club. Never forget this. He got very good at a certain club. And that was a hot club at the time.

Okay. So since the guy spent a lot of money with Gersh, you know, it's like if I give you, if I hire all of your fucking 10 comics, at that time, Gersh had Rogan and Wendy Liebman and Slate. That was the hot boutique agency back then. And he gave them a lot of business. So one day he raised his hand And this kid Had been doing comedy

Two years Two and a half years I'll never forget Still going to the club And the guy Looking at me And like sizing me up And I look at those guys

And I go You know You might have fucking Had a good set last night But I'm at the store Every night I will eat you up alive I know shit

You've never even thought of, you dumb motherfucker. And I remember us doing a one night together, like me being in the car with him and listening to his ego talking and just think I've just been doing this for two years and look what the things I'm doing already. And I'm sitting in the car. It's almost like he's telling himself. Yeah, I'm just sitting there because I've been to this.

Stop, I've been through this. I know. You killed the other night and David Telt told you and this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They patted you on the back. Because they're nice people. But you also bought drinks and brought the Coke. Yeah.

So we drove to the gig and he talking and the gig and the whole thing, you know, I go up there. And then about three months later, I hear that this manager has set up showcases for this fucking stiff in L.A. And in the back of my mind, I wasn't wishing this kidney bad, anything bad. It's just a little inferior. I just know the deal. Yeah. I've been here through long. I've been doing it for too long and I knew the deal.

At that time, I had been doing comedy. If it's 27 years, this had to happen at the store. I was still doing blows. So it had to be about 2005. And I'll never ever forget this. That's the year I quit. I will never ever forget this. I remember it was a Sunday night.

I was hosting. And my top agent at CAA today was an assistant at Gersh. Oh, yes. Blake, what's his name? Matt Blake. Matt Blake. That's it. The chick's assistant.

There was two big guys at Gers. He was at William Morris, yeah. The wig and the blonde one that was sucking the black dick. The chick that was fucking all the black comics. We're not going to mention no names. Wait a minute. There's two of those. This chick would go on the road.

Pick black guys up and then bring them back, put them on Freaky Monday, with one condition that they would sleep at the house. Sure, you can sleep at my house. And in the middle of the night, every black guy knows that they got up and she was Harvey and his dick polishing that motherfucker. And the thing about this chick, nobody pressed charges. But one black dude fell in love with him was out there bringing roses and they put a restraining order on him. Then they made her a lit agent somewhere. She sucked so much.

They got rid of her. They got rid of her in the comedy division. But Matt Blake was the assistant then, who was my top agent today. So it's just to let you people know what happens in 20 years. that assistant you talked to when you first moved to L.A. 20 years from now, he's going to run a comedy division. Yeah. So he runs the comedy division at my agency.

He's the top guy. Yeah. Wait, he's at William Morris. No, he's at CAA, Matt Blake. Oh, shoot. I know what I'm doing. I know what I messed up. The wig is at Gersh still because he's got Chappelle.

That's the one that keeps a man. Yes, yes, yes. He had Carlos. Yeah. And then he fought when the wig had Carlos and Rogan. The wig and my ex used to. Really fight. Really be tight.

No. No, no, no. You're talking about the wig from ICM. No. That's a different wig. Gersh. Then there's a guy that... ICM is another ass high.

The guy at Gersh doesn't wear a wig. I just say he has a wig. It looks it. And I call him to his face. He hates me. I see him everywhere. Yeah. But he called Rogan up and told Rogan to apologize to Carlos.

I remember that. And Rogan told him to go fuck himself. fired him. Yes. And David Tell fired him and everybody else fired him because of the Rogan comment. And David Tell stuck with him. So Dave Chappelle Dave Chappelle

So that's the only reason why he but there's two wigs There's that wig and the other wig So what are we talking about so I'm at the comedy store I'm hosting on a Sunday night I'm minding my own business I'm not bothering nobody And Mitzie's there

Okay Mitzie gets there about 9th or 830 She walks into a chair And I go over what's up It's a fat baby And she stabbing me in the stomach And makes the air come out and I go to her, you know,

midst I'm hosting the second half, and she goes, absolutely. And all of a sudden, Blake, the club owner, he was the pseudo club owner. Right. He told everybody he was the owner, but he was really a general manager. Yeah.

And the comic that he thought, you know, was God on ice that I looked through when I was like, this guy's got the balls of fucking, girl he's in a cave like I didn't wish him any I didn't wish him no bad feelings people what I did feel was bad for him because he was going into arena he was not prepared for that's right he was not prepared at the different animal at the two and a half year mark I don't care what smoke they're blowing up your ass and your neighborhood you were not ready for a Sunday night at the store in

in front of Mitzie Shoeuvre I'm telling you right now I'm telling you right now so they come up to me and they go, hey, we spoke to this talent coordinator, and he said it's okay if this kid goes up. I recognize everybody. I hug everybody. You know what's going on? I'll bring you up. I go up to Mitzie, me being me, and I go, Mitz,

I got to put this kid on. I guess he cut a deal with Scott Day or whoever was the talent coordinator at the time. It wasn't Corey yet. It's probably Tommy if it was 2005. No, no. Tommy wasn't even. Oh, this was way before. Okay.

Then it had to be Scott Day, yeah. So I go, I'm going to put him up. I go, they say he's the Bill Hicks of the future. And I say that as a joke to him, but with a serious face. That's amazing. They're calling him the Bill Hicks of the future. Oh, really? And she goes, okay, go put him on next.

This kid went up there, dog. Threw out his fucking joke of the year. And it's the original room on a Sunday. His slammer. His slamming fit. Dog, he threw out his A material. And it was like giving him a shovel. It's like they just,

just tapped him on the shoulder. When he got on the stage, the spirit of Richard Pride tapped him on the shoulder. And say, hey, buddy, take this shovel. Look what you're about to cause. I got the one minute mark.

She's in the back on. Give him the light. Bill Hicks, my ass. Right? Bill Hicks is turning in his grave. God, you know. And this kid's turning. You could see.

You could see like the movement. Oh, she was brutal, too. You could hear her. The movement of his hands went away. You could see the purple going up his body. You could see the purple. And then you could see the purple hit his face. And he just put the fucking microphone back.

And he walked off the stage, bro, and he went outside. And I'll never forget, his manager, his so-called manager. The big girl. And the guy from Gersh just turned their back. And he stood there looking around. And nobody would look at him. And then they're like, okay, are we done yet? Let's go to the improv.

And this kid, you could see that he had gotten points in the stomach. hard his manager and the guy from gersh walked 10 feet ahead from on the way out and i'll never forget this lesson and here's how this lesson ends i went to that town a few weeks ago and i asked about that kid okay he's a bartender he got out of the business you have to it was too much it was that night devastated him he went on to do the improv for some shmucks and he went on until the laugh factory he hooked up with a girl he did comedy like maybe 10 more times that's it and that was the end but the comedy store will do that to you because it is a purest club it's not it's not that comedy store do it to you is that if you play that game eventually that's going to happen to you

exactly yeah that do not belong there no guys like i guys like andrew yeah joe rogan there's a lot of guys Bill Burr, there's a lot of guys that know, not because we're trying to be critical of you. I've heard Bill Burr talk about it this Monday morning, it's not that we're trying to be critical from you, is that we've been there. Yeah. And we've lied to ourselves.

When I was at the four years, when I was doing comedy a year, I was telling people I was a comic. Yeah. I'm bombing. I still remember bombing in a private. I got a private. At my two and a half a year mark, I got a private that they didn't want to pay me.

I couldn't even go collect the money from them. We couldn't even make eye contact. Perpetrate a fraud, yeah. It was a fraud. Fake it till you make it, kind of a thing. And I get everybody does it. Like, Dice, we joke about him. And Tony Hinchcliff does it a little bit, too.

Like, I always tell Tony that Andrew always says he's very similar to him because he was, Tony's always pushing himself. Always, I'm the uprising comic, whatever. I'm the greatest up-and-coming comic. But it's, he has what to back it up, but he also is just like putting it out there kind of. of a thing and part of it is kind of fucking with people but dice he wouldn't do a movie unless he could be dice like he would wear his own shirt that said dice like he put it in your face he's like the original like brander if you will but he did two movies where he played the

dice character that he was trying to sell to people pretty and pink and uh for making the grade no no no his name was dice ford fair lane he was ford fair lane that was his what that's Right, that's right. So Dice was, but he was called the Dice Man in making the grade and in Pretty and Pink. That's a huge movie, John Hughes. It's Pretty and Pink. Pretty and Pink. They're going, The Dice Man as he walks up.

But John Cryer says it. Everybody says the Dice Man and he has a shirt that says Dice. So they're like, who's this Dice man? You know what I mean? Like that's the ultimate branding, but that's what he did. And then he would go around and tell people, I'm going to be the biggest comic in the world. And they'd be like the fuck out of my face this 20-something year old kid from Brooklyn. I'll smack this shit out of you and he's like no no I'm gonna be the biggest thing in the world But he did it so it's like I don't remember the respect but you have to have what to back it up

Remember he started as a fucking Tony John Travolta person. Oh yeah His father would have to drive him to the fucking mafia gigs and he would get up there with a white shirt and dance First he did Jerry Lewis he did Jerry Lewis And then he'd do drink the thing And come back As Travolta

I mean Who the fuck can event that? And he's so young So his parents had to drive him His father He told me the stories Freddy's the best Yeah

His father had a fucking drive him To what was the club With Travolta film that movie He said he even did that one He got a cease and desist Because of that Because of that shit It's crazy

To stop doing Travolta So he always had chops Andrew always had chocks Because he started as It's like I always lie to people. I thought people, oh, I started a fucking prison the first time I thought I was doing comedy. I started playing the congas in my mother's bar.

Oh. When I was a kid, I'd get a conga, put a hat out, and I'd just put the jukebox on, and I would play the congas, and people would pay me to stop. Derrick, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And when I would get like 10 bucks, I'd stop. I'd put it away and go buy something. I would play the Congress,

and they would say, enough. Yeah. Enough. We can't fucking think. And my mom would go, it's genius. At least you're making $10 for yourself. You know what I'm saying? He's going to order more of that Medagon food.

At least I don't have to give you a fucking money. That's where it started. That mind. That, you know, then the number one bus. And then I never knew I wanted to get into comedy. You know, the other than that I was watching. See, that's amazing. But when you were in prison, you said you would watch.

When I was in, I always watched stand. Okay. I watched. Let's get something straight. I heard the nigger's crazy and I lost my mind. Then I bought Vicentennial nigger. Was it something I said? Yeah.

I got into it. I was into it. My brothers played it. When I was a kid and people put music on to John and O. She's a rich girl. And she's going too far. Take that off. They're from Philadelphia.

Relax. I'm putting fucking Richard Pryor. No, I get it. But I had no idea. I was a criminal. I had no idea, no idea, no idea. Then when I was 27, I started running out of options of things I really. really wanted to do it.

Yeah. And I said, well, I tried electricity. I tried this, I tried that, I tried this, I was a bartender. I might as well try stand up. I don't see what, I mean, that's amazing. That's Al Madrigal has a joke, not a joke, but like we always talk about when everything else fails,

try stand up. Like I came out here to be an actress. I wanted to be an actress. I kept getting engaged to idiots, you know, and falling back and getting in a play. Nobody comes to plays out here. then I became a wrestler, right? Some issues there, but, you know, like I was doing these kids shows and stuff on Nickelodeon.

Like, I was doing stuff, but not enough. You know what I mean? Like, it just wasn't clicking, I guess, and I would go to class all the time. I would do. No, I know you were in an intensive. Always. I remember you and Freddie got into an intensive acting class. And it was Scientology.

It was light Scientology, but they couldn't go on auditions. D.W. Brown. And I don't have a Freddie trying to justify it to me. And I'm like, Freddie, you're a cool. It's Sherry Shepherd too. God rest of Sue. God rest your soul. You're cool.

But you're never going to tell me that I'm not going to audition. That's right. Because when I was at a Van der Chubbick, I went to a Van der Chubbik for two or three months. And I was already starting to audition. And they were like, well, we don't know. What don't you know? What is it, don't you know that you don't know if I'm ready to make money? If I'm making money, obviously, your acting class is working.

We'll leave it at that. Yeah. And I'm going to go out, but you're never going to control me and tell me I can't. Yeah, we didn't listen to that. Freddie, at the beginning, he was drinking the Kool-Aid and then he quit the second year to go on tour. Yeah, no, no, everybody was drinking the Kool-Aid. Sarah Shepard, too, she quit to go to a show. People were telling you in acting classes, you're not ready.

Get the fuck out of here. I'm a stand-up. I come from a different world. They're not ready. Yeah. These kids that get out of college and took a theater program and come here, they're not ready. Yeah. I'm ready.

I'm at that store of fucking nine nights a week. week following Mooney and the lights of this guy and Eddie Griffin. So even though I'm not a seasoned actor, I'm three quarters to the way here. I just got to find my fucking way. Yeah. And I did. You know, eventually I found out why Mitzie Short gives you three minute spots. Yeah.

At the end of it, what's an audition? Three minutes. If you can't sell yourself in three minutes. You can't sell who you are. And every comic will come to you and say, I don't get it. I can't do three minutes. Well, you better learn quick. My bits are too long.

I don't know what to do because my bits won't chop the bit. Yeah, it teaches you how to cut the fat and just get to a point. Mitchie didn't care if you just went up and did punchlines. Yeah. Just get them laughing. That's it. If it's without a setup, if you can get away with it, if I get away without kissing you and fingering you, it would be a beautiful fucking world. Yeah.

Yeah. It would be a beautiful world, but you can't. But she taught you those three minutes got me ready to audition eight years later. Like I got into the store in 97. I started booking like a motherfucker in 2003. Because you're constantly learning to just be in the moment, you, the whole thing. I learned in between comedy and acting, and I put it together. Yeah.

I took the acting class. I paid attention. I did the scene studies. I went to a cold reading workshop. I fucking, you know, you go to those acting classes, they hook you up with a kid that he's not a stand-up. Yeah. Every time. So you have to learn. So they'll call you eight times a day saying, hey, when are we going to rehearse? And you're like, bitch, I'm fucking writing it. And they're all saying you're like, whoa. Wait a minute. That's right. You got to rehearse. So you got to call him three times a week and go. We're meeting at 2.30 at my house

this week or where do you live? I live in Marina Del Rey. You got to go down there and rehearse. So every week you're rehearsing and now you're going on stage at night. Yeah. Do you understand what's going on? There's a process. You're just not going to. So now while you're rehearsing in the daytime getting better at your acting, at night you're getting on stage. You're doing three spots a week. You're doing three spots a night. You're getting on stage. You're getting on stage. And eventually, both worlds become one. And now

you know how to go into a room and start going, well, they gave me this audition, but it only had one line. Welcome to the real world. That's right. Learn how to take that one line and cut it into three and stay in there for three minutes. Yeah. Instead of one. I remember Mooney I used to get so frustrated. I come

to the store, I'd be pissed off. I'd be like, man, I just, I blew an audition. I I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong. And he's like, girl, you ain't going to book anything until you walk into the audition, the way you walk into that OR. I was like, oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. Fucking Mooney, man.

Mooney was, no, all those guys. But what he meant was, I walk in, like, I own it. That was my, I was there every night. You know, I worked, I was a waitress. I took, you know. So I walked in there, even though I'm not a comic or the owner or whatever, for some reason, I walk in that room. Like that's my living room.

And that's how you have to do in an audition. Walking like you already got the fucking part, you're just here to pick up the check. How many years are you doing comedy when you take the Blue Show for Showtime? Oh, not that. That's five years ago now. So the Blue Show on Showtime's five years.

So seven years. You were into comedy seven years around. And now you got your second booking on TV? This is the Comedy Central with all things comedy and Bill Burr. It's almost like, the, it's not called the Presents, Comedy Central Premium Blend. Remember they used to do the short sets?

So these are the shorter sets, which is great because like you were just talking about doing, when Mitzi would make you do three minutes, you have to sell yourself in three minutes, right? Now we got to go back down these sets for five minutes. You know, I've been headlining this. I'm doing an hour. You start stretching things out longer. Five minutes is so hard now. I'm like, dang.

So you just got to get back into that motion. So this week and next week I have all set up like little five minute spots here and there, you know, just to get back into that rhythm of editing. Because I remember one night I wasn't a comic. I was a waitress. Me and you are in the back of the like in the kitchen in the comedy store. Mitzie comes in. I start talking to Mitzie. Or no, I was telling you a story about calling the cops for the first time in my life.

And you're like, that's hilarious because I wound up being a bird on my stupid. It wasn't a person. And it was a bird that was like chirping or nibbling at my window. And I thought it was a person. And so you got to tell Mitzi that story. You got to tell me to see that story. It's hilarious, right? So I tell Mitzi and she's like, edit, honey, get to the point.

And my whole body shut down. I was like, fuck you. I'm not a comic. Like, but I was like, oh, yeah, there's like things. Like how you can get there quicker. You know what I mean? And just get the point out, get the funny out. and move on.

And she, that's all she wanted to see ever. And I remember my whole body locking up and freezing, like, I'm never gonna become a comic. She's so mean, but she was so right, is what she was. I really proud of yourself what you've done. I am, I am because I'm, like I said, with the acting, I loved acting. I only wanted to be an actress.

I never wanted anything else. My mom called me Jezebel from the time I could talk. Like I was just always, but, It was weird because I would do impressions. I would make them laugh, but I thought I was acting. You know what I mean? Like I would, there was anything was in the news. I would reenact it for my mom to make her laugh, do stupid stuff, do impressions of everybody in the neighborhood.

Like people are like if the people I do impressions of were famous, I'd be huge because I'm so good at those impressions. But it was just those people. Those people. Yeah, like my friend Cindy or my sister Karen or this drunk lady named Ellen. Not to interrupt you. My wife told me, you know who's pregnant? Who? What's the girl that used to dance on stage during Chewy's shows at the Hollywood Bowl

when she picked up her leg? Adrian and Sharsank. She's in D.C. and she's pregnant. Wow. That's amazing. I love Adrian. I love Adrienne. I loved Adrienne.

Can I do a confession? I'm the one that used to rob her on Monday nights. Oh, man, all these years I thought it was somebody else. Yeah. I used to rob her like, One Monday a month. She'd be like, I last $300. I'm like, Adrian, how the fuck?

Do you, I'd have to, I'd have to void all her drinks. I'm like, she's like, I don't know what happened. Listen. Remember that time they gave her the bad drugs? Oh, that was terrible. She was trying to eat. What about the time? This lip was down here.

I don't know how she did that. She was into different shit, but one time I took a $100 stack of singles. You better send her a check. From the comedy store. They were all sitting back the account money. And Ricka was back to him. See, I used to blame his friend. And I walked in to get a check.

You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I walked in to get a check. And I saw the money and Ricker was looking at a calendar. And I just picked up the money like a joke and nobody saw it. So I just put it in my jacket. I walked out. It was a stack of 100 singles, right? I took the bank thing off and I threw it in the thing and I had 100 singles.

I walked down to Pinkton. I gave them 50. They gave me two 20s and a 10. And I did something real quick. But by the time I got back to the thing. the store they're all like the manager's missing a hundred hours they thinks mike ricka did it and i'm fucking dying a laugh poor mike ricka i'm like i'm off the fucking that's why he had to move back home because he shows he oh i know who we had on our podcast we on the comedy store podcast we had

uh the bushman la hai you remember la hai famula where is he dude you would he's a comedy gold on a podcast he's hysterical. He always does Danish and O'Neill. He always does, well, now we'll have him do our is he. He's downtown right in a book. Or no, he's living in Korea town. Okay, you got to get me his number. He goes, Joe Diaz don't help me out. I go, whoa, whoa, Joe Diaz. I have not seen what I. I'm going to, I'm going to get Joe Diaz's ass for not helping you out. I did not even know La Hai was still around. La Hai. You know, you get him to say certain names. Like, he's like, when I was in Seattle, I work with Coco Bean. I'm like, who's Cocoa? Cobain that's Kurt Cobain.

Kurt Cobain, that's right. Eddie, that he says everything wrong. It's amazing. I did not even know. Dude, he's great. He's writing a book right now. He's the nicest man. His daughter's a...

Dynamite. His daughter's a, what do you call that, influencer on social media. And his son's got to be a man. Shun is a basketball player overseas. He's phenomenal. Yeah. His son's, I still remember. Two daughters and a son.

I still remember going back to his house. In Seattle, right? In Seattle. Him taking us to the base. We party all the time. We used to get down. Bushman likes to party. The Bushman like to party.

Joey, what? If you see him, send him my love. I'll email. I'll give him your email. He's a great fucking dude. I would dab him in this podcast in the minute. He's blood to me. You just reminded me of somebody that I've forgotten about completely.

Like, I'm sad because I, Everybody went crazy. Josh Wolf was like, oh shit, the Bushman's here, like, lit out. My God, we've known him. We were kids together. And here's the funny thing. I got into trouble one time. He calls me Illinois.

It's very funny. Illinois. Hello, Illinois. One time I got in trouble out of here. Like something happened, I had to lay low for a couple days. I turned to La Hai. And Lai's like, I got a place for you to stay out. So he gives me this fucking address.

I meet him outside. I had to chill for like two or three. days and I pull up and he takes me upstairs to his this hideout no air conditioning you know the windows are open you can hear Mexican music you can hear Spanish people I'm just sitting on the living room couch I'm just sitting there sweating and all of a sudden it's two in the afternoon and I just see a rat just crawl across the kitchen like and I said la hi I love you like a brother but this ain't going to happen. I called my friend.

Oh, no big deal. No big deal. You sure? All you have to give me is a hundred a month. Listen, I can't give you $10 a month because I can't fucking stay here, right? I think I ended up staying with Joey Medina instead right out there.

That's how bad La Hai's place was. I can't fucking do it. But I got to tell you something. Famula. We did a lot of, but I still remember going to his house. Those kids were sleeping at two in the morning. Monday nights we were getting. Do you remember he used to work?

on Venice Beach and he'd be wearing the loin cloth and he'd have a spear. A spear. Put the money in the pan and they point in a spear of people. He goes, oh, they don't want to put the money. It's okay. I go, La Hai, you have a spear in their face. La Haya was possible. It was me. Me and Freddie love La Hai. Josh Wolf, Mark Madison. Oh my God. Mark Madison. He has been here for a long time. Yeah, he goes, I showcase for Mitzie. Nobody helping me. Joe Diaz didn't help. Yeah?

Mitzie passed him. Yeah, he was a regular for a while. It was me. He was up there a lot. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. There's a lot of people who just, it's not that you're not there. He's got a family.

He's got a family and people. Life goes different, but he brought up Joe Diaz. I go, I'm telling Joe Diaz. Yeah, I love Lahai. No, La Hine never hit me out. I forgot La Haha even existed. That's how many. Same until I heard on the other podcast and I laughed so hard.

I am. Like, Oh, shit. People don't understand the responsibilities I have now. Yeah. Like, I don't have the same responsibilities. I had seven years ago. You have children, so everything changes.

And it's so weird when you have to tell people no. Or, like, I was just thinking about something I got to do tonight. And I'm like, fuck. Yeah. My day's not finished. I still got to go home and do this and this and this and then I got to go down there. So it's going to be tough even doing that tonight. You have so many things that pop up in your place.

that life goes on. And what are you taping the show? We're taping April 16th. No, I'm sorry, April 17th and 18th. They're doing two nights, I guess, at this theater downtown. What do I call it, the Tehrigan? Yeah.

When Josh Adam Myers and me spoke, and he mentioned your name, I was so proud of you, and I wanted to get you on the show to let people know your journey. Because I started as a doorman at Wittenden. I just remembered the other day when Steve Simone was here.

I did my doorman stint. What's Whitson? Wittsend was a club in Denver. It was a small club, a satellite club. In Westminster, Colorado, you know, strip mall. They just had local people to BU comics, stuff like that. But I started by watching. I mean, I wasn't watching for 12 fucking years.

I would have died. I would have started comedy when I was 80. Well, I was trying. I know. People are like, how old are you? I'm like, I'm almost dead. Relax. Fucking idiots.

Like. But I'm very proud of you. telling them. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I'm thrilled Josh Adam Myers is on it. There's a lot of great people. Rick Engram's doing it, Punky Johnson. Like, this is going to be a big thing. Well, it's a big thing for me. I don't care. Bill Burr. That's the biggest name in comedy. Approved by Bill Burr. That's all I care about. That's all you care about, man. That guy knows the struggle. He knows he's been there. He's been on a show that got canceled. He went and rebuilt himself. And now he's the comic that he is today. I take my hat's off to Bill Burr every fucking day

Every day at a week. I think he's at the store Thursday night, and I'm pissed because I'm not there. I haven't seen him. I want to see a piece of his new special, something. The big part of me, like when Andrew gave me that thing on Showtime, the Blue Show, and he really pushed for me

because they didn't know who the heck I was. They were like, who the hell is this girl? And is there some girl you're trying to sleep with? He's like, I already did that. So just let's help her out, right? So they put me in there, and all I cared about was making him proud. And now that Bill Burr, like,

looked at my stuff and was like, yes. Like, I had to submit. stuff to them and he approved it so to me I'm like oh my god now I care about like just do a good job to make Bill proud like that's that's comedy recognizing comedy you know what I mean comics recognizing comic and I look up to him yeah so it's not like fucking some network that like I watched him come in and showcase and not get past and never get on mitzy just looked right past them like nothing I've ever seen not like

Louis C.K. With Louis, she said he was too polished, but with Bill, it was just like he didn't exist. Because it was his manager. She didn't know them or care for them or something. There was something. And then finally, I think she saw him in the main room. She goes, this guy's terrific. I'm like, bitch, we've been telling you. But, you know, he was New York and he was touring and he was doing his thing anyway. Well, I'm happy you took the time. Oh, thank you for having me. To come over because, you know, I love you to death. I wish you all. My favorite podcast.

Everywhere I go, people are like, oh, my God, I love you on the church. I'm like, I don't go to church that much, but I love this church. I love that. I'm very proud of you. I'm very proud that you stuck it out and put the work in. And you got what was coming to you. It is work. Don't pretend it's not.

No, that's why. I love it. I love it. I love it. I, you know, you see him coming up once a month. I'm like, no, get to Dubai. This is a weird game of a lot of people. But any dates you like to promote.

Oh, yeah, April 4th through 6th, I'm going to be in Kansas City at the Comedy Club. That's the name of it, the Comedy Club. It's great club. I'm excited. My friend Dustin owns it. And it's a new, brand new club. So come out support. Jeremiah Watkins was just there and it was great last weekend.

I'll be there April 4th through the 6th. And then House of Comedy, April 24th through the 28th in Phoenix. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That's a good fucking club. That's a good organization. Yeah, I love them. They're good people.

Well, I'm happy you took the time to get on. I, on the other hand, will be in Pittsburgh next weekend, but I only got one show left Thursday night late, which we added the 10 o'clock show. And then you guys know I'm at the fucking Fitzgerald Theta in Minneapolis on 419, pre-420, and then 420, you motherfuckers know we're coming in deep

to the Paps Theater in Milwaukee where Jeffrey Dahmer killed his third victim. Anyway, that's how we fucking do it. I'll see you guys there. But before I go, I got to talk to you, about something. The church is sponsored by Stamps.com. You know why? Because time is money, cocksuckers. Stop wasting your precious time going to the post office when you can send letters and packages right from your desk. Do it today with Stamps.com. My wife has been on Stamps.com

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and I want to thank CBD Lion.com for supporting the podcast. But most importantly, I want to thank you, motherfuckers, for listening and for loving us and for tuning in every fucking Monday and Thursday. I want to thank Eleanor Kerrigan. I want to thank my main man to Christkiller. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for being loyal.

You know, I got your back. I'll see you in Buffalo Saturday night. If not, I'll see you motherfuckers in Pittsburgh in two weeks. Stay black. Have a great weekend. God love you and get ready for Monday motherfuckers.

I'll see you guys then. Thank you, Eleanor.