The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #676 - Frank Caliendo

Episode Date: April 18, 2019

Frank Caliendo, stand up comedian seen on Mad TV and ESPN, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush. Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

Greetings from Podcastville. It's Thursday, the 18th of April. The church is brought to you by Quip. One of the most important things we do for our health every day is brushing our teeth. Yet most of us don't do it properly. Quip is the better electric toothbrush created by dentists and designers. You're sitting there going, Joey, why quip? Why? Because it's sonic vibrations, gentle enough on your sensitive gums. And why? Because people brush too hard. And some elected toothbrushes are too abrasive. With Quip, it's got a two-minute timer built-in that pulses every 30 seconds to remind you when to switch sides, helping guide a full and even cleaner brush. What I'm going to do is this. Why I love Quip is because I bring it on the row with me. One charge lasts forever. It doesn't

take up too much space. It's got a thing that I stick on and it sticks right up so the air dries. That's why I love Quicks. It's sanitary. And like I said, dent. this love it. Now, what I'm going to do is this. They're backed by over 20,000 dental professionals. That's the real reason I love quip. Quip. Quip starts at just $25. And if you go to Quip, get quip.com slash Joey right now, you're going to get your first refill pack for free with a quip electric toothbrush. That's your first refill pack for free at getquip.com slash Joey. That's G-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash Joey. The church is also brought to you

by, let me tell you something. Sometimes I'm sick and tired of fucking shaving my nutsack in the fucking area around my dick. Do you know why? Because I feel like my wife's going to slip and cut it the fuck off. It's the most anxiety I've ever had in my goddamn life. But guess what? The suffering

ends now. With manscape, you get it done without the pain, without the anxiety, without closing your eyes. You're like, Joey, why? Because they got precision tools. for the family fucking jewels. You understand me? Your little diamonds are going to be fucking shiny and cleaner.

Manscape has redesigned the electric razor. What I want to do is, what I want you to do is this. At manscape.com, you can get anything you need to make your balls tip-top magoo. They'll be shining, they'll smell good, and they'll keep your dick looking fucking beautiful like Sophia Loren. You understand me? This is the first time you've considered manscaping. they got a deal for you plus you're fucking half-retarded. You got to be ready for the summertime.

You don't want your dick to smell like a Greek fucking salad. If this is the time you've considered manscaping, we got a deal for you. You ready? We got the perfect package, which comes with the lawnmower and a safety razor. Plus, it comes with a crop preserver, a specially formulated deodorant

so your balls don't stink like 10 dead fucking sandals. And the Reviver a spritz that tones and refreshes your fucking can hold self-being so the stick looks good, the balls look good, everything looks good. Now, the church family can get 20% off your first order when you use the code church, C-H-U-R-C-H at Manscape.com. And if you order the perfect package, they'll also throw in a beautiful free travel bag, nice and big when you use code church.

That's Manscape.com. Use promo code church for 20% off your first order. Keep your balls clean. time. The podcast is also brought to you by one of my all-time favorites like Manscape. On it. Why? Because their supplements are tip-top-mogoo number one in the industry. From the alpha brain to the shroom tech, you cannot go wrong with Onit. Oh, Frank Calendos and this motherfucker, it's the 18th of April. Take this motherfucker, Mulee.

Oh, shit. It's a beautiful day to be alive. We got Frank Colliando. We got the Christ killer. and your uncle Joey Dears, you bad motherfuckers. Let's do this. Oh shit, Frank Calendor. Come on, baby. Move those hips, baby.

This is you. I don't know what I'm moving right now. This is you. Oh, shit. Very subtle. You really, you know me. Very subtle. I can't even do it non-cometical.

Oh, shit. How the hell is. I love you, Ben, Mr. Cicolor. Old. And you're older than me, I think. 56. 56. And you just made me feel 90.

Thank you for that. You look beautiful. I'm a handsome man. How you feel it? Shut up. How are you feeling? I'm trying to. Listen, I'm doing it.

It's funny because I watch a bunch of the show. I knew about your show. We've known each other for a while, but more in passing a little bit once in a while, just coming across each other. but I wanted to get the tone right for the show. I didn't want to come on and be jockey. And you're not joking. You're conversational. We just talk.

Real, honest. And it's true. And that's where I'm trying to go in life and, you know, entertainment as well because that, but it is funny because even looking at you and watching you, there's a duality. And there's something that I see in people that's, maybe other people see it too. I don't want to sound like I've got superpowers or something. but two things happen when you look at you, okay? And I'm going to shock my audience a little bit

because this is the real me. I do swear a little bit. I don't swear a ton, but it throws people off. So, but I watch the show and there's a lot of swearing. And you guys just look at it as like normal sentent structure. Yeah, it's not radio. It's not radio. Right.

But I've been very cautious my entire, right, especially entertainment career, because my kids, and I'll get back on the subject I was talking about, my kids, I just wanted to set a good example for my kids. I was doing that even as a five, I shouldn't say, like a 15, 18 year old. I never drank. And part of it, I think, is I've never done any drugs. I never done anything. And it was a lot of control.

But I also wanted to tell my kids, hey, I never did any of this stuff. And now, especially the easy stuff. And we had a lot of addiction issues in my family. And I'm totally, I have incredibly addictive personality. So I wanted to learn to do like one or two impressions. And I end up, that's all people know me for. at this point. So there's that. But my kids, I didn't swear

anything in any of my specials and stuff. And now my kids talk like they're sailors. They're like my son looks like he's in the middle of the soprano. He's 14. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's got this. Dick sucked. I don't know about that. You don't know dick. What do you think

he's doing right now? He's in your bedroom, spanking and shit watching pornoes on YouTube. You know, I don't want to think about that. You have to think about it. I can't think about that I know it's I was 14 he's 14 and then I was dry humping little New Yorker reason right now the earth went in fire come on let me just believe he's playing Xbox when he says he's playing Xbox but yeah he's

just at you know fuck this it's like unbelievable he shock you the first time yes like I don't like it totally this is what happened to me I like I spent all this time being clean and safe and you're this guy what was I doing so to bring it back a little bit where I started and you're have to corral me in a bunch because this is just what happened to me. You have two things going on. One of them is I look at you and I'm scared shitless because you have that look. But at the same time, I look at you and I want to laugh. And I don't know it's those two things that make you great. When I watch, because you smile and all of a sudden it changes. You go from Joey, you know,

from Joey to Uncle Joey. Uncle Joey. It's a it's so. Put your feet up. I'm trying to, but I feel like. all of that. I feel like I got to watch around the room. Just leave you all right there. It's going to be fun. I just take your wedding ring all. I'm going from trust to mistrust. How many children do you have? Two. My daughter's 12. How is her mouth? Uh, she's getting there. She's no. Oh yeah. Because my wife, my wife like my wife will teach them the words and the yeah, because she's like, I want them to use them properly. She's Italian, 100% Italian. So she's, She's pretty much Carmela soprano and she screwed up with me. You know what I mean?

She married the wrong guy. But she grew up in Italian household. And it's the real deal. Yelling, screaming. Yeah, her dad, federal agent kind of thing. Oh, yeah. Like the real deal. Now, where are you from originally?

I'm from Chicago. Okay. But I grew up in Milwaukee. So she calls my family completely watered down, at least the me part of it, 100%. Well, the Italian, I was telling Mike Rappaport. that I went up to Milwaukee in 98 to do the comedy club. I listened to that, yeah. And the neighborhood, right there,

when you walk out of the comedy club, you walk down to the corner, and you just hit the Italian neighborhood. And that bar where the waitresses and waiters were, the owner had just got out of jail because Donnie Brasco put them in jail. Right. Because that neighborhood was very,

the balisteries was that name. So the mob is up there. I mean, there's Italian people up there. What happened to you was the son didn't hit you right. There's no son up there. if you would have been raised in Jersey or somewhere with Sun like Arizona now the Italian should start coming out of you because you people aren't it like a fucking boot right it's there's an island Sicily yeah what I'm looking at you for I'm the

whiteest person in the road but uh no I I thought you were always from like Philadelphia now she should born in Chicago Elmwood Park Illinois right outside of Chicago great boy born in Cook County and I grew up in Waukeshaugh right 13 miles west of Milwaukee bourbon. I had normal. What'd your dad do? He worked for the caloric corporation, which was ranges, you know, stoves and microwaves and stuff like that.

Then they merged with a man and he lost his job when I was a junior in high school. And he went back to counseling and teaching. When he was younger, he's a minor league baseball player. So we played sports all grown up. But when he lost his, when he lost his job, that was one of those moments. And I've even heard this like, the Jim Carrey story where he talks about you never nothing's ever he had the safest job in the world and then it was just gone and he had to go find something else do why not take your chances

and do whatever you want in life because you only have that you know you've those chances do it while you're young so I started I tried comedy after when I got into college I was in college I was before you go to college University of Wisconsin Milwaukee look at you so you stayed at home yeah yeah Listen, man, it's like a lot of my life is just settling, which is a problem. Like I said, I get happy, I get comfortable, and then I don't work to get to the next thing. And that's followed by another period in my life where I'll just commit to my, whatever the craft is at the time or what I'm working. Right now, it's trying to develop, just develop, not do to develop, but try to develop outside of just doing impression. and having people care.

Because when I get up on the stage, the first thing people are looking for is for me to start doing any impression at all. When they hear my voice, they're like, okay, this is great, but it's like carrot top having his luggage get lost by the airline or Jeff Dunham going out without the puppets. People are like, okay. So you have to kind of get them into you first

before you get into your main, like what they know you for. otherwise they're not even going to listen to it. When I first started doing stand-up, let's say I'd get up there and just start doing my Tony Dan's impression. Like, Johnny did you meet the bone? I would start doing that without me ever talking and nobody would listen to me in the show. They would just wait for the next impression. So I started to learn there has to be a little bit of me up top. I heard you talking on one show about how you would go and talk about the city a little bit and get people involved that way.

To me, it was to talk about a little bit about myself. so they'd see me. And then I lost that for a while because the money was coming in all from the impressions. So I just went to that and went for the easiest way possible, path of least resistance.

And we'd just go up to impressions right away and now I'm working backwards again to try and find people, give people the opportunity to see a little bit of me, hear a little bit of me, and then pepper it with more of the impressions as almost like exclamation points. Like I talked about this

with different people because like Charles Charles Barclay's always in the news right he's always doing he's top of him somewhere I didn't I didn't see that somebody's concert did he really yeah he got booed at some of these concerts

and right there it's easy like don't boom me knucklehead you know it's easy because you can turn something in last last year Western Conference semifinals I think it was Draymond Green on the Golden State Warriors one of those guys if you love the team he's your guy he's your Dennis Rodman

And if you hate him, he's your Dennis Rodden, right? I can't stand this guy. He's a cheater. But Charles Barkley, his reaction to him was, in honesty and truth, he goes on TV. And I talk about this in my act. He's like, I want to punch Draymond Green in the face. And that's like I never heard an announcer do something like that. That sounds like an Italian announcer, right?

Hey, I won't push his guy in the face. That was great. So he says that. But then he apologizes later. You know, and I believe they made him apologize and said this is going to become something big if you don't. But he found a way to apologize because he's always truthful and honest. He found a way to apologize that he could stay true to himself. And he basically went on TV and said,

I apologize for recognizing that Draymond Green has such a punchable face. Which is not an apology. But it's brilliant because it sounds kind of like an apology and it gets you out of it. But he stayed true to him and made it. It's basically a cheat code in a video game, right? Other people lose their jobs. He just got 20 extra lives. But he set himself up.

Barkley set himself up years ago. as, you know, as an entity when he was playing basketball, he went out and said, I am not a role model. Then he constantly went out there and proved it. And now he has a persona. He gets to be that guy. And now you're set because you have your point of view and people, well, that's Charles being Charles. Or that's, he's going to be honest. And it works.

And a lot of what I've set up in my stage presence over the years is, well, I'm going to put on a show for you. And guys like you go up there And some of the people that I look to now And go how do they do that? You go out there and find a way to have yourself go straight to the audience And that's a key thing because you can always be You might ramp something up To be more for television or a movie or something like that

To it's not going to work But you might do it, but it's still you When you come here, the first thing they say to you is Write jokes based on your sitcom Right So you could paint a picture for the agents and the casting people and the producers and the writers. I saw 20 comics that destroyed their career by doing that in 98 to 2001. 2002 that were giving away those half million dollar deals.

So people went from going up there and saying, I want to run over a black guy in a car today to going up there and talking about. For starters, my little girl, I picked her up at school. And I saw it. And I saw it. I saw the transformation of a lot of comics. In other words, selling out. Right.

Selling out and then when they didn't get nowhere with it, they couldn't make a comeback. Yeah. They couldn't come back. I started as a one-liner guy. Really? Yeah. I can't even imagine that.

I'm a Ronnie Dangerfield guy. Really? It's not going to be a bit. I'm not a writer. I'm not intelligent like you guys. It's not going to be nothing. And then I heard a dear friend of mine did a Showtime show. And before he came on the show,

I had to go to the bathroom and take a shit. and I'm in the back and taking the shit listening to them on Showtime doing one-liners and I go that's why nobody

hires me this is why I'm not this and this I gotta go up there and start telling stories and if you can come from truth that's it they want the truth

because people I don't know how they smell it yes they smell weakness they smell a lie you have to commit to it it's like it's like an R-rated joke

when you're into comedy three years like when I was doing comedy six years I came up with this joke and I could not sell the joke even though it made me laugh high and unhigh I would giggle on stage when I said it

nobody else would laugh I brought the junk back 13 years later it destroyed because I wasn't ready for that joke at that time I wasn't presenting it right it's a dish with it's like what you're saying when you're impersonations sometimes you would just go up there with a dish with a steak

on it right it's a great steak it's a great steak I love it what if you put little mashed potatoes on the side three flowers, four orange slices, raspberry, it's a presentation. Yes. It's a presentation. If they know who you are and where you're coming from,

they're coming. They're coming. They're coming. I don't know what just fell, but it scared me. No, it was a drumstick I put up there that just fell down. I'm trying to clean the place. This is cleaning up? Yeah.

Okay. This is as good as you guess. Thank you. There's no drugs on the table. Right. I feel safe. You had to wipe it down because I was scared that you went for a piss test next week. And a comeback positive ketamine and heroin in your system.

Just from touching it. I don't want to. It looks like the wolf has been here. No, yeah. We clean everything here. It's sanitized. We do everything. We try to put it together.

It was funny. I was listening to the wrap up with the rap report show too. It was funny because he was talking about taking a dump before he came in. Your bathroom's not connected. It's the perfect place to take it. Yeah, it's all by itself. Like that, he should have done that. It still smells like a dump in this.

Like somebody else took a dunk in there. You guys are taking shits on the street. That was terrible. At the University of Milwaukee, were you thinking about comedy then? What were you thinking? Broadcast journalism. Okay. So you were three-quarters days.

Yeah, I wanted to be a sports center anchor. Okay, you're a big sports guy. I'm not. People think I am. Now, again, look at how... Did you grow up at Green Bay Packer? Yeah, it's a state law, basically. You can't not.

Although my family's... You can't open up a club in Green Bay. The Fullybone used to be there. And it died a thousand fucking best. Appleton has a small... Listen, the first time I went to Green Bay as a comedian, an adult, really, because I'd never gone up there. And Sundays, even the McDonald's workers were wearing Brett Farr v. jerseys.

It was, I've never seen... Like, you've got to wear a McDonald's uniform, but not there. I've never seen anything like it. But the whole city shuts down. It's not a city. It's a town. But the whole town, whatever you want to call the Green Bay area. I don't know if it's still like that,

but this is probably mid-90s to 2000. Nothing. A Packer game was going on? Screw it. Go to Denver on a Sunday. When I lived in Denver, those Sundays, you could rob a bank.

You could stab somebody. I'll never forget when I was in the mall. Wait a second. I think you did have an issue there. I had a couple issues there. You don't even go to Colorado anymore. Yeah, I go to Denver. I just can't go to Seattle.

Okay. Seattle and parts of Oregon. Seattle and parts of Idaho. Oh, no. When I lived in Denver, I still remember when they played against the Cleveland Browns, the drive. I was at the mall during the drive,

and I'll never forget seeing everybody in the hallways watching TVs that Radio Shack had and stuff and going, if I was going to rob this place, this is the time would do it. Nobody would care. The funny thing is, I would say something like that. It's a joke. You say something like that.

You're casing the place. Oh, I've been, I cased. Let me explain something. The best thing in my future that happened is that they tore that mall down. When I tell you, I sank that mall financially. I'm not lying. I went in there with three credit cards in the summer of 85 and threw the cards away and would still go back and there.

I remember walking in that mall one day, and they had a CD player, Radio Shack, without a box, like a display unit. And the guys were all away in there. the back talking and I go you know what I could use a CD player in my ass I'll never forget unplugging it and just wrap it and walking out of the fucking mall like still walking 30 yards to the door and then going to my car I destroyed that mall the first time then I got a job at a job at the mall after I ruined it with credit cards and the cops came they go you look

you fit the description somebody in the ice cream court said you used a credit card down I'm like you're gonna have to prove it. There was no cameras back then. Right. So they kept coming back. So you're wearing the referee jersey? Like an asshole that I was. I applied for the job in June.

They called me in August. Okay. Okay. And then the cops came in there like, we want to arrest you. They talked to me like three times. And they wanted me to cop to it. And I wouldn't cop to it.

So in two months you destroyed them all? In two months, I destroyed that fucking war. And then I went back for more. And then I went back. I went to Aspen. and then back to Boulder. And then I was taking classes at the University of Colorado. And they would buy anything up on the, it's called the U.S.

The U district is in Seattle. This was called, I forget what the called Boulder Hill or the Hill. The Hill is three blocks, gyms, Mexican restaurants. Everything is catered to kids, pizza place, movie theater, 18 and over bar, that type of shit. But they would buy anything because college kids got broke. right so you could bring anything so I had the scam at sea is the door was right by the music department was right by the door I would park right there and just walking and every day I would take the

Bruce Springsteen four package collection it was like the hit of this it was 99 bucks like 89 bucks for a Bruce Springsteen box he's on the cover with a guitar in his hand how do I remember because Bruce Springsteen put a lot of money in my pocket that year it would displays of Bruce Springsteen five at a time and I would pick them up and walk out there and I would go right to the hill get my $200 and then I would go eat like a fucking sandwich or something. It was destruction but then I was out on bail on the kidnapping case

and I was running out of money and I go you know what I'm going to go back up to the CD store so I started robbing them every other day this went on for about a week or two not many people could just say that sentence I started robbing him every other day I would go to the CD store every other day I didn't want to be a fucking pick

No, no, no, regulate yourself. I had to go like every other, every two or three days. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. There was a student center. I was tormenting them because they would buy books secondhand. And I would just pick up a stack of books. I wouldn't even walk in the front door. I'd just bring them up and I go, my mother got me these.

But I already got them. She just wasn't thinking. And they go, do you want cash or check? You know what? I don't need the cash, but I'll take it. And they would give me back the money for the books plus tax. What's it like to not have a concept? Conscience.

It's tremendous. That's the greatest life. Your life is incredible until you get caught, but then you have the stories. What is it that you want me to do to change that? That's why it pisses me off that people go after governors for putting blackface on or the chief fucking judge because he covered some chick's mouth in 1982. You got to know where to go. So if he would have came out and said, yeah, in 1982 I took the girl to party. He wouldn't have to deal with that.

I don't know if it works in politics the same way. the same way. Yes, it does. It does. Because it works in life that way. If you don't say it, if I get it out first, you got no way to go. That helps. That can help. You got nowhere to go. A mile. When he goes, what am I going to do? What are he going to do when he goes on you about the girl? He goes,

if you put it out there first, he's got nowhere to go. Right. Yeah, because it diffuses the situation. Trump does that a lot. You watch Trump, he'll be like, I did this and he'll put a little spin on it to make it my, you know, his way. It happened. There was a lot. It was not my problem. And then people like yeah yeah he did it so what it's not who i am today but thinking back at who that person

was that would be out on bail for kidnapping and would go every other day at either the student center like when i went to the student center and had a watch rack with watches time x whatever the fuck i picked up the whole thing and put it on my shoulder like a body in vietnam and i just walked out if you're going to let me rob but you're not going to pay attention to me i got to rob you in those days i was that nuts and bolder yeah that's crazy but you're getting away with it so why would you stop getting away i would control myself yeah that's not controlling what do you think controlling yourself is dog i would rob 24-7 if you i remember when double espresso machines came out 95 i was a struggling comment i don't even hold that let me just let me

digest this i because you're going into stories about stealing 24-7 and then i remember what double Express shows. Yeah, because I had control. Before I got arrested and you get the prison, I had no control. Like, that's when I got caught. So I'm out on bail for the kidnapping. I get caught with like 85 fucking CDs and they chased me. Like a little black guy

in a golf cart and a little white skinny guy. Like, come back and I'm running, throwing CDs back at me shit. Trying to throw them off. Like you're a superhero? Oh, my God. And they got me. The cops finally got me. And I gave him a fake name. They arrested me and I processed now. I had just been in there for a month.

waiting to get bail. Every cop knew Joey. I went in there as Jimmy. And they're fingerprinting me. And I'm like, how are you doing? Joey, how you? And I'm looking at the fingerprint card. It's like, Jimmy, whatever.

And I'm like, these guys, if you're going to be that stupid. And then I went back to court as that guy. I pled guilty and I got community service. And I did the community service. Years later, I found out, Boulder found out. You used a different name. But what are going to do? You did the community service.

You paid the fine. Crazy shit that you. You and even, now you can't get away with that. I was going to say now there's no way. Cannes get away with that. Because that's all electronic and stuff like that. Now you can't get away with that. But that's, yeah, I mean, you make me want to go back in time and start robbing people.

And then in those days, remember when Frank Colleen, they put his fingerprints down, NCIS was so slow. Right. Three weeks before your records came back. So you could sit in county for two weeks with a murder, no one, working your bail and get out before the NCIS come out back on you. The NCIS wouldn't come back on you for three fucking weeks. That's how slow it was then. So I could use fake names.

I could do all this shit because by the time they figured out who the fuck I really was, I was gone. I was on a Greyhound bus for the next city. So what did you do with the espresso machines? Well, the expression machines I had control. The expression machines were $450. You keep saying you have control.

I mean, is this you telling us or you're trying to convince yourself? I don't give a fuck. It was 25 years ago. Yeah, well, right. No. It was 25 years ago. I was 95.

I forgot the double espresso machines are how this story started. It was $450 for an espresso coffee, cappuccino machine. All these assholes on sale for 350. I'm walking into those stores just picking up the thing. I wasn't even walking out of the store, frankly, you know. How sad is that? I would just go into customer service and go, how you doing? My mother got me this for Christmas.

What the fuck? And they go, okay. It's always somebody giving you something. That's the only way you could sell it. That's how you do. What do you think I was walking down the street? I don't have a gift for sheet. Then I got to the point where I'd hang out in front of Kmart.

This is when you're a fucking real piece of shit. And hang out in front of Camas and we're for people's receipts to fly off. And one day I'm looking at this guy in a cart pushing two by fours and two by sixes and two by fucking 12s. But on top, he's got a loan more. And he's pushing it's windy out and all in the receipt floor. I go over. I pick it up. I look to low.

more's 4.50. So I walk into the fucking Kmart. They got no more lawnmores. I go, fuck it. I went to Longmont, Colorado, 30 miles away. Went to a Kmart in there. They had to think. The best was, I went back and I gave the Mexican kid a tent. Bring this up to the counter for me.

He brought it up to the counter, and I told the lady, how are you doing? My mother gave me this. This time, I had a receipt. This time, they had nowhere to go. He just, I'm telling you. I bought the, Why don't you go back to both? I go, I didn't find on the driver. I live here.

I left this here. And they gave me the money back. I can't. It's, it's, it's, and I was doing three or four of those expressional machines a day. Like on the way the Denver comedy works, you needed the espresso to stay. I would stop in Westminster. I'd stop in the Denver mall. I would show up at the comedy works at $1,200 in my pocket.

On the way there, it's like the comedy works, open mic started at 8. I leave my house at 6 and stop in Bloomfield, Westminster, and just stop at the malls. I need money. You use all this stuff when you play these roles. Do you use all the stuff that you've done? What's in my mind?

It never leaves my mind. I've never put it away. I did it. I got to own up to it. Right, but you can use that when you play a character. You can use that, those memories to be. That character. Yeah, absolutely.

That's what I do. When I have an audition, I look at it, I give the guy a fake name. Like if you call me and you go, I want you to play. Frank. I make him Frank Luigi. I give a background on him, born in the Bronx. His father fucking worked on

shoes. His mother was a Sicilian immigrant, and I'll just write out his background. Right. He's a lone shark today, but he started out running errands for Enzo the Baker. I just make up shit. That's the background to the character. You have that story and it made everything makes sense.

Now, how long did it take after college to try? Did you get a job broadcasting? No, because I didn't want to work in a Claire Wisconsin or something like that being a I was terrible as an interviewer I always wanted to be a guest on like the tonight show and stuff like that I wanted to be the person being interviewed I always loved those comedians that would go on there old school be like a Jonathan Winters or even people promoting movies Robin Williams or something like that that's what I wanted to be was just a guest

on a on a late night show but I went I graduated from college I tried stand up one time it was a night at a dance club and they'd shut the dancing down for a comedy and um music show to be played and yeah people want to dance and screw yeah it was it was it was unblood and i went up and i just remember trying to do a robin williams impression i'm like i'm robin williams nothing i go no i'm not and i was the saddest i was bearded robin williams in like awakenings or something with just like oh this isn't working at all and i thought it was me and it probably was partially me not ready to do that kind of event

because I was supposed to be the host of it. But as you know, comedy, you have to do comedy in a venue that people are expecting comedy. And I later learned that and use these types of experiences to just say no to other gigs as they came along. At the beginning, you take a lot of things

that you probably shouldn't, but you also learn from that in some ways, but you know things are going to suck. And then you get to a certain point, you go, I'm just not taking those sucky, you know, gigs anymore. But then I went, I graduated from college and I started to, I actually got hurt. I hurt my back and believe it or not, was from tying my shoe.

I leaned down to tie my shoe and my back went out and then I couldn't stand up straight for like a month. So I started working on a bunch of impressions. And then I went up at a comedy club, the comedy cafe, which was run by JD. Is he what happened to him? Maybe the mob got him. No, I heard he had a stroke. Oh, that's the last I heard.

He sold that he had a stroke. There was nothing like, he was the nicest guy in the world to me. Big Samoan guy, but thought he was a tall. Six foot seven. Yeah. 400 would take it eat on Thursday. Oh, and when he pay you, a briefcase and a gun would go up there and go, hey, you ready for this? I'm like, what?

Ready for what? How many times did you work for it? Oh, tons. He gave me work. He was the first person ever gave me work, gave me work all the time. He's like, he'd say stuff like, how much time you got? How much freak? How much time you got?

I'd be like, like three minutes, five minutes. He goes, I'll tell you what, we'll put you up, steal a bunch of stuff and go up there. I'm like, I'm not going to do that. He's like, well, figure something out. You're killing with the crowd because I just go up and do impressions. And nobody was doing that at the time. He's like, could you come back next week?

Well, I, then I was, I'd hurt my back. Got sick for a while and was out. And I come back a year later. He's like, where you been? I was hurt. He's like, I don't care. Get back up there. And he started working me again.

I mean, this is literally the second and third time I've been up on stage and he's just putting me to work and I get to work with some cool people coming through. What year was this? This is probably 90. The first time was probably 95, I'll graduate from college, 96, 95-ish and then back in 96, I think, somewhere. You're back that bad? Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn't do it. I couldn't get out of bed.

Just been trying your shoelace that? What was the series? I had a knee injury when I was younger. And when I was 14. I destroyed my, we were playing, I was a running back in football, and the same size now that I was then, maybe 20 pounds lighter. But I was pretty fast and for a suburban high school freshman team, they couldn't tackle me.

So, but I was running out, we're scrimaging the sophomores. I ran a sweep to the right and I get hit by a guy high and a guy low and my knee just buckled and went out. And it never really recovered. So I was also a catcher in baseball and I would catch off kill. I would catch with one leg fully bent, and my left leg, which was destroyed, wouldn't bend all the way, and it screwed up my back. So then back issues happened for the rest of my life. So this is five, six years later.

I could be doing anything, and my back just went out. And that just happened really bad one time when I was a freshman, sophomore in college somewhere in there. It must have been, yeah, must have been junior year, probably, junior year. and I was just out for a while. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't go to school. I couldn't physically couldn't get up out of bed because I couldn't walk. And that was at least two weeks.

And then it took some more time. I probably milked it some after a little while. Like then you get scared about going back because you missed a month, you know, two weeks of college. What are I going to do? But I was doing all the work at the time. There wasn't even email or anything like that. I was just having to call people and get the work. And I think they, they liked that enough that I was taking.

the initiative to do that, that, you know, I got through and made it, you know, work with the teachers. And I think I probably got A's in the classes, broadcasting journalism classes aren't that hard. It's not like I'm doing physics or something. So then when I came back after college, because I just said, you know, I'm going to get my degree right now. I got it just because that's what you do, not for any other reason other than that. And then I went back out and I started working right away. People started paying me to do stand-up. I got on the college circuit in a year because I'm 24 years old, 23 years old.

And at that point, doing colleges, that was experimental to it. Now you do a college. They don't want you to say anything. Back then, you could get away with whatever. And I even say get away. I don't mean get away with. It was just a time to speak freely and say what you thought. And now it's the speech police at colleges.

It's ridiculous. I can ask you a question. That's the point of the show. As a young man, were you privy, impressions like were you already getting in front of the family going hold on hold on on just just that you know how did you know you have this gift I think I always

did some of it as a high school student I would do impressions of friends and stuff and teachers we had a teacher Mr. Christensen who's he was also the basketball coach was like Mr. Kellyan do me a favor can you come up and show us on the map where the Atlantic Ocean is and I'd go up there and be like an idiot I'm like

is it the blue part you know and he'll be like go sit down and he would kind of mess with me because I didn't know anything about geography. But there was this guy, Darren Barsh, who, like, he always had the comb in his back pocket and he'd feather his hair and his nostrils would flare. So I'd do impressions of him and a couple other people and watch Saturday night live and in living color and do all the Damon Wayans characters. You know, that kind of thing or the fire marshal boat. Let me show you something. So I'm doing all those things. Stuff you wouldn't using your stand-up act because it's somebody else's character. And then I started

working on, nobody was doing impressions of people how they actually are. People were doing impressions of characters in movies. So I would do the Robin Williams, where you'd be the serious Robin Williams and you'd tell a story. You know, that kind of thing, or Tony Danza, like, and I'd find things that were observational comedy with them. Tony Danza the bit was he would talk normally, pretty much, until somebody from the old neighborhood came around right so it was like on who's the boss jotted did sabbatta moulder and then mrs rosini like his acting jobs were like just to go 100 percent to the old school uh the old big character and it was just to me that was the funny observation in it and it was an offbeat impression

people were only doing jack nicholson at the time nobody was really doing everybody was doing yeah like now it's christopher walking like that right jack nicholson was the one everybody was doing And they were doing these big over the top Jack Nicholson's, and I would do just a silent, a quiet one. You know, the more real guy, and people are like, well, that's a different version. And even people who hated impressions were like, you're actually kind of doing something a little bit different. So comics like me, because I developed an act. Like most comics would see an impressionist and go, this guy sucks. You mean, you look at YouTube now, and like people do way better impressions than me.

I see people like doing these incredible impressions. but they don't create a character with it that much. And you go, after they do the line, you're kind of going, okay, now what? Where does this go? And even with, you know, the old school stuff I do like John Madden, I got bored with doing the John Mad, I turned him into a character that's going,

and make these big noises. And it became just its own character as opposed to just the impression. To me, that became more fun. And there were people who could do dead on impressions better than me, but I would find the physicality and stuff like that to go with it. And what I'm trying to do now in my act and life and everything is doing that with characters. You just put a voice to something that happens in your life. And that's almost like an impression is just a character that everybody knows already.

A character, you have to set up more and give people the background because they don't know what the point of view is on the character. I had an uncle Uncle Phil that was I mean I think he I think you and him would have been great friends

but he had this whole thing about like he hey Frank you should spend time with Sinatra I'm like really can't tell you but here's a story like you just told me he can't tell the story like at one point he was the cheese king of Chicago

he's like you can't Frank and he get mad about I don't even understand it yeah they get pissed about the cheese but you Franky you can't get cheese in Chicago what I call to me I'm like what

what's how who's trying to get the cheese what are you worried about like what's are there other cheese gurus out there so it was like that kind of stuff and turn those guys into characters and and make that part of my act and be part of what i'm trying to become and tell the stories but it's truth again comes back to that truth stuff that who am i and what's my background i tell stories about that stuff and people go great. You can look him up because he was gone for a while, but he, I don't even know if I should be saying this,

but he quit witness protection. I've never seen anybody do that, but all of a sudden, we had Italian Christmas, you know, on the phone. Hey, it's Uncle Phil. Hey, Frangy,

Hey, dude, you know, where are you? Can't She? And then one year he just showed up again. We're like, what? How's he here? Yeah, Italians can't. They all got.

Block the windows. Shut the, shut the, everybody duck. We're going to have a low Christmas. When did you think about LA? When did you start thinking about LA? That somebody reached out to you? Yeah.

A manager did. And he said, I don't want to use names. You probably know him, but he's like, you gotta come out here, man. It'll be incredible. So I couldn't even get on Make Me Laugh. I couldn't get on the show, Make Me Laugh. That's when I first came to L.A. Make Me Laugh was with the kid that.

No, no. Make me laugh was all comedians would go on and just tell jokes to a person sitting there. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember. Who was the host? He's in Vegas now doing the revival or something. He's playing somebody.

Because what happened to him? He taped a thousand of those fucking episodes. Yeah, I don't even remember who it was. Make me laugh. A little Jewish kid. He was a host. Nice kid, real nice. Be at the improv every night.

But the people who did really great weren't joke because some people go on to tell jokes. And some people would go on and just say goofy things and do goofy weird stuff. If you weren't done that stand up, you're out of your mind. The whole part of a joke is. the people kind of have to know when the joke is coming so they know when to laugh Mark Cohen Bobby Van that's what Mark Cohen sounds right oh that's old sorry hold on yeah Mark Cohen so um so the people who is what's his name who's I find him incredibly hilarious Todd glass yeah Todd Glass would do well Todd Glass was a guy who

would just kill on there look at me yeah I remember that exactly it was exactly and that was the stuff that really made you like because you don't know what's coming a point of a joke is you might not know what the joke is, but you know when it's coming. It's an assumption that's set up, and then you zig when you think you're going to zag, and that's where the funny part comes from. You get caught off guard,

and people put two and two together in their heads, and they go, I got it. So I couldn't even get on that show, and everybody was on that show. Make me laugh. Almost everybody was on that show. Everybody was on that fucking show. Everybody was on that fucking show.

Everybody was on that show. Now, what was your first show that you got on it? I think they got me he got me on Craig Kilbourne I think I did Craig Kilbourne Improft show did you go on I never did an improv show Well what what show before Mad TV you were on site on the WB Hipe okay hype was I got that a sketch show improv I got that and that was in the chicken deal Chicken who went to Montreal he got a huge one of the like you talked about earlier in the episode the 500 he was the last of the giant deals

because they kind of figured out that they were getting played by the agents and managers in Montreal. For the people who don't know, the Montreal Comedy Festival before the internet was where people got discovered, a lot of comedians. So you go on and you do these new faces. And I remember going on like doing my, I was doing a gala set,

which was one of those bigger shows. And Chelsea Handler was going to do the new faces. And I was just, I was basically just mocking her the whole time because she was so into herself. I'm like, just like, where's this girl? Where's this woman ever going to end up?

And now she's huge, right? But it was one of those kinds of things like going, wow, she's really determined to sell herself and be important. I'm like, I'm the total opposite. I'm kind of just a joke, just who got lucky and got here. But those new faces, he got a $500 deal by humping a stool. Right, 500,000. And Mitch Hedberg, the year before,

had gotten a huge deal too. And so there was this, there was this whole thing of people getting these $500,000 deals. When Mitch Hedberg got the deal, when they came, this is how different the town was. when they came back they closed the improv on Monday and Tuesday night

Monday was a showcase for writers and Tuesday was a showcase for showrunners that's how different the industry was they don't even do showcases in this town no more oh they don't I don't even know the CIA showcase APA used to do a big showcase but you need it anymore

you can just see everybody yeah nobody's gonna come nobody's gonna come that's how fucking different the internet just changed all that So the chicken deal, what happened was he was really, he had a great presence, but he was just humping a stool. And they made it so nobody could get into there. That was brilliantly done by agents and managers.

Right. It was all done. Nobody could get in. And all the networks were bidding on this guy that nobody knew and didn't even know what he did because they weren't, there was no internet. So you couldn't research what he was doing. People was like, somebody wants them? We got to have them.

And then they had a deal. Warner Brothers gave him a deal and didn't know what show to put him in. And so they merged him with my deal and my show, and it became the show called hype. And it wasn't right for him at all. But he got on triple X. He was in that. And he had some, he had some real heat. But we had a show that was a weird thing.

Our showrunners were going for massages during the day when they should have been show running. It was just kind of a mess. There was some very talented people. It was just, it wanted to be a pop culture cheesy show because it was WB. And it should have been a gritty. more real, which was what was going to, they didn't see the future. Like Chappelle and everybody going in

and having filmed pieces that weren't joky jokes. They were more situational stuff. And we're doing these big joky line stuff to the camera. It was like he-haw or something like that. People remember that. Can you just tell a joke? As you know, like you were talking about earlier

with your act, one-liners, you might have a great one-liner, but people are going to, they might not even remember the one-line. Your personality, they'll go, he's the guy, who sells the espresso machines without ever buying them it's like people remember that stuff and they remember the situation in the person they what was the girl on hype there two there's Shay Matash who there was another well there were three or there was Shay Matash Kristen Nelson and Nadja Ginzburg and I think

that's probably and how long did hype it was like 12 episodes and then they remember that because it was it they started out it's Hype Night on the WB and three weeks later the WB Sunday like they'd gotten rid of hike night and just went to the WB Sunday because that was on I remember I was to host at the store and one Sunday night Louis K. Kim didn't know he was right and I said you only go up and he goes yeah I put him up and as he walked out he goes hey I got a show for you you and down this week and at that time they had the sedrick the entertainer variety show I remember that sketch I think they were on maybe they were doing that when I was at Mad TV. I was on the same lot as them. Right. W.B. or something like that.

And then when did you get up to how far after hype did you get on Mad TV? Uh, right away afterward, because that show got canceled. And then when I first went to L.A. too, another thing was I went in and met with the president of NBC at the time. And he goes, do you want me to put you on Saturday night live? I'm like, it would be an option. And then we got out of the room and the manager goes, you said it'll be an option. Why did you say that? I'm like, because you told me never to show my cards and I was like he's like yeah but I didn't think you'd do something like that everybody says yes I'm like well you just have to be like you uh in control did you did you did you audition for something alive I never did because it was the present of NBC and I'd

heard stories about like Jim Brewer and stuff like that where the the the network tried to put you on there and you had a terrible time because they want to find you and they had Daryl Hammond and was I going to do sit behind Daryl Hammond for years and be the second guy so when the Mad TV thing came along, I just took that. When I was doing auditions in LA when I first came out here, when I couldn't get on Make Me laugh, they started having me do auditions for some sketch shows. Mad TV wanted me. I'd go in there. I did a thing called The Five Minutes of Fury. And I don't know how long it was. And I don't know why we called it that, but it was just impression after impression after impression. And one after another, nobody's doing impression at the time. I'd leave a

room and people would want they just want to give me development deals that's all i got the wb deal that they merge with chicken it's the michael roof it's they i would do this stuff and i'd go in for a commercial audition or something like that and i just do that and they would they would want to call back and i would suck at the commercial and they just want to hear you know what you do um so uh i i went in did did that um where were we going with that i'm sorry i lost my train of thought they're going to Mad TV. Oh, Mad. So I went back after hype was canceled, they just put me on Mad TV. I never auditioned for him. What season was that?

Like six? Oh, no. It was down away. I mean, it was probably yeah, yeah, seven or eight somewhere in there. Yeah, it started I didn't know, 96, 97. Yeah, because Arty Lang was there for a couple years. He was the fact that then Will Saso, yeah, Callan who's, Calan's one of those guys. The kid who got nervous breakdown. I did Spider-Man

with him, nice black kid. Started 95. Nice young black. I remember the first show was the first host was Roseanne Barr of Mad TV and Doug Stanhope was supposed to do stand-up on it Oh really? The original pilot or something like that

I think that was something different actually Yeah because they had that Saturday night special That's what it was Heath Heath uh Heath Heath Heath Heath did things so that Where is Heath? Anybody you know? I don't know but I don't listen I came up in the colleges

I never was around everybody Everybody's doing sets with each other at like the improv and stuff like that or at the laugh factory i never did any of that stuff i never did the that's part of my problem in the podcast world you know everybody knows each other and they go on each other's shows that's why i really appreciate you having me on too is like everybody know i don't know anybody i don't it's not because i was a jerk or anything not maybe maybe i could have but it was more that i just didn't know anybody because i was always isolated and kind of shy to try and get myself on to stuff and um so i back to back to back track

that Saturday special show was on. They found out that Mad TV was doing better than that Saturday night special thing. Mad TV went on and was on for 13, 14 years, whatever it was. And they were on a crazy contract that, like they didn't have to pay you real money because it was late night Fox and there was nothing else in that world. So like the money you'd make on that show,

which sounds like a lot to the regular person who's not in entertainment, but that's like $5,000 an episode you're making there and you might only get in seven episodes the first year. So, you know, a sitcom. Jesse Smolett would have gone crazy. That motherfucker would have stabbed himself. He would have done a real fucking.

We would have got real brothers to beat him up. African. I don't know if he could have. I don't know if he had enough money for it. Yeah, you're right. You might have a 2,000. You can find anybody in the beach up. So.

Hollywood, in those days, go by, go by Yum Yum Donuts on Santa Monica. But think people think you're, big black trannies to beach up over there. Remember that used to be Trani Road down there. Santa Monica and fucking... Yeah, you make that turn right into...

Right there. And that was the set right there, or that was where that was. Yes, Wilcox. Was it Wilcox? It was... I can't remember the name. The funny thing is they do Disney shows there because it was really... Hollywood Center Studios.

Hollywood Center. And it's like Disney, like the Sweet Life with Zach and Cody would record there. Cedric the entertainer and Mad TV. And it used to be back in the day. It was Lucille Ball. That's right. What are you ever on that show? Look like you could have been a great.

I went in for a couple of auditions. Let me tell you something. I went to that lot because the lot is the one you're supposed to turn left into if you're coming from sunset. And there's sometimes a line. And sometimes they'll tell you, you don't belong in the lot. Make a you turn and go to the corner. Right. And one day, I was fucking drinking all night, snorting, doing God knows what type of pills?

I think God knows. And I went to bed at like five. And I pulled up into that lot to do somebody. show wasn't yours was somebody else's show could have been mine you'd have been good at him and I pulled in the guy goes you have to park all the way down there I go dog there's a parking spot down there was 400 pounds

I go I'm not walking down there so I pulled into the spot when I came out he ran up to me and he's like I just fucking told you what to do and I go what did you say I got him with like an elbow I was poked up the night before I got him with a shoulder to the face

he went back Don't you ever fucking tell me where to park you fuck. And as I walked, he was yelling at me. When I got back to the set, they're like, what happened out there? And I had just gotten fired from the man show. Wait, you got, nobody can get fired from the man show. Oh, yeah, I did. With Rogan and Stanhope.

Oh, okay. The pilot episode. Yeah, yeah. The pilot episode. I caught the director line. I forgot Rogan did that. I caught the director lying and I told him out in the hallway. I heard what you did, motherfucker.

And I'm going to tell Joe and Stanhope because you're fired. I go, fuck you. And then they made the security guard escort me off, but I'd smoke the joint with the security guard two hours early. He's like, that's my dog. I ain't throwing him out of here. Fuck him. Tremendous.

You can't write this shit, Frank. No, you can't. I can't even believe you'd lived it. But I, I shouldered the guy in, like, the fucking throat. He went down. Like the John Jones move? Yeah. And he was like, what the fuck?

You're crazy? I'm telling me where to park. I asked you fucking nicely. If you're saving that for one of your friends, just fucking tell me. I love that in your mind, I asked you fucking nice. I asked you fucking nice. Means I can do whatever. I got bullshit.

I just had knee surgery. My back is out. My grandmother died. Is it really necessary to walk all the way over fucking that? When I could park right, any game in like a little bit of an attitude. So I go, it's me against him.

There's nobody else on this watch. There ain't no cameras at that time. I'm pulling in there. I pulled that and I had my bag. You know, you have to bring wardrobe. Yeah. Like I had to bring my own wardrobe.

I'm like, I'm not walking from all the way over that. That's not happened. How much has your life changed because of the camera? Like, think about with cameras being everything. Very much. I wonder how much that truly affected you. Like you, let me ask you this, and maybe I'm completely wrong on this, but it's, it, like, you've changed.

And you said to having a kid's change you and stuff like that, but you had to change. There's an element to your life that couldn't exist anymore, right? A pretty big element that might have driven you to be, hey, I could be this different part of me. I just shoulder the guy in December, New York, on the ferry to Jersey. Just depends on where you're... With my daughter and my wife in front of me because I had my daughter by the hand, Frank Clelando. I was online like a gentleman.

My wife was standing behind me and we were all talking and all of a sudden a guy cut and bounced me and I looked at him and as he came this way my daughter was right here in my right hand. You're not going to bang into my daughter. Yeah. So I hit him with the shoulder.

He fucking went back and I go, is there a fucking problem? And he stared me down a little bit and he goes, no, there's no problem. And I waited and I didn't take my eyes. off. Didn't take my eyes off. And he kept staring at me and I go, you sure there's no fucking problem. Because we'll take care of this right now. And he goes, no, there's no. We both on the ferry. And I thought he was going to jab me on the way off the ferry in Jersey.

I watched him get off and I had my phone ready. I wasn't smash it right in his fucking head. But he... There's something that family thing. I remember... In front of my family, you're not going to do that. I will not... I will fucking kill you. You're going to die right here on the spot. You gave me like a flashback to something with my grandpa. Yeah. I remember being in a Chucky Cheese when I was maybe eight years old or something. This is in Chicago.

In a Chucky Cheese, I'm playing Defender or something, some old video game. And I step aside some other bigger kid steps and starts playing my game. And I'm like, what just happened? My grandpa's there. And he's like, what happened, Frankie? And I'm like, this guy started playing my game. My grandpa, my grandpa is a little Italian guy. But all of a sudden he's Joe Pesci, right?

And I don't do a good Joe Precii impression, but he picked the guy up and just said, don't ever do that to my grandson. Like I was scared to death, but also like, I got the right guy. Yeah. I got the right family. But he picked him up and like, just my grandson. I was like, holy cow, what blood do I have? It was a different world, Frank.

It was, you know, we live in a world now that, especially now like, you've ever been on a set and the director comes on with a hat with a feather rolled up shirt so you can show your eagle tattoo some fucking American eagle like he's cool

everybody's telling him the tattoo is cool and they'll talk to you a certain way right that wasn't going to fly with me and I would call them out I'd say that's not gonna happen I don't play that fucking Gentile shit

go well that works for kids in acting class don't talk to me that way we're men talk to me like a man I always just find that I just I don't find I don't believe anything out

here. No, no, this is a, remember, it's the world, then it's Los Angeles. Right. Harvey Weinstein wouldn't happen. Never, never land. You know, Jesse Smolett, these fucking mothers that paid a half a million to get their kids in school. Where does that happen here in La La Land where that shit wouldn't fly anywhere else? But I just remember being lied to so much. Oh, please. From the beginning, I remember people telling me, oh, this is going be the biggest thing for you're going to blow up. They tell you that constantly and you're going, wait a second, I didn't even do it.

That wasn't good. You asked me to do it again. Yeah. And they get you caught. It's called getting caught up. Yeah. And they blow so much smoke up your ass. And then when day what happens,

you end up like chicken. Yeah. God rest of the salt. I mean, imagine. End up like chicken. Imagine being super fam. Imagine being LeBron James. When do you think the last time somebody told him,

know us for like there's not a middle school it maybe he was big in high school yeah i mean nobody told just because they knew he was going to be uber famous and then he gets out here and how easy is it for him to make a television show and i watched lebron james shows you ever watch some of these show no but this is this is what's funny about and this happens this i'm sure happens with all the biggest stars this is a lebron james show ready i agree with you lebron no no i agree with you more lebron like five guys just agreeing with them like there's no way he can get real answers. There's not like people just start I had it happen to me for a while too as you start to go up and you just people just start to that's great you're like I just took I took a dump that just sucked that why you

tell me that's great I feel bad for a lot of comedic actors especially on shitty TV shows they have those PAs and that's what they get paid to do right fluff right a fluff on a set they suck your dick and get your dick hard and keep you hard that's what they do that was great they blow smoke up your ass and And then you end up. What's the kid who did that show in Idaho? That movie that he wore the shirt. He's my friend. What was that fucking morons?

What was that movie? I don't know. Came out. It was popular 15 years ago raising Idaho. Come on. Every fucking body liked it. And the kid came down here and he did a movie with Will Farrer on Roller's Gates. Oh, I know what you're talking about.

Oh. You know, that guy had a zero talent that's comedy. Zero. But he did a movie and they all sucked his dick. And then he did that Will Farrow movie, which, Will carry them. And then they gave him his own show on Comedy Central. And you heard what happened there?

No, I don't know. Like, when Comedy Central tells you you're bad, you're bad. Napoleon Dynamite. Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They blow smoke up your ass, and then one day you left in your beautiful... John Heater. A million dollar home, and nobody's hiring you.

Right. Because that show of seven years was worked for you. Right. But in the real realm of things, you're not really that funny of a guy. I watch a lot of these shows And I don't know what the fuck they talk about Well see that's how I always believed in stand-up Is if you have if you base your money

Your career in stand-up You always have something to go back Always I love and make the money Like you're gonna be you can have ups and downs On TV a television show There'll be times where people think you're important And not important But as long as you can sell some tickets

To a specific audience You're fine and you're you do the same You're probably doing more than me right now But at a certain point, you learn that how to work that system. Because a lot of times you go into the comedy clubs or the theaters or whatever you're doing. And you just expect, you accept an amount of money they're going to pay you. Like they'll come in and say, okay, we'll pay you a grand for the week. And you're like, oh, that's awesome.

I'm doing comedy, make a living. Then you realize they're selling tickets and they're making a lot of money doing this. I got to be paid more. And when you're with the agents, but then the agents and the managers, they're all tied in. in a network to a certain level where there's give in some slack and stuff like that where they let things go and you're like I can make more in this and like we can ask I know you're going to tell them because I'm a draw right now you're like there's nothing more powerful than the word no in Hollywood always said that you say no all of a sudden people like what what and then they want you

10 times as much you say no to something and people they don't even understand that's half of my meetings when I first came to L.A., I'm like, I don't know if I want to do that. They're like, they don't even know how to respond. Then all of a sudden they're like, we got to get this guy. Because nobody, everybody's so desperate. Everybody's so desperate to do something that they feel like you have this confidence. I would go in with network executives and just make fun of them. Because everybody was so nervous with the network executive, I'd take the chance.

I'm like, hey, what, they 50, 50, you know, it's probably a better chance. chance they're not going to like me in the first place anyways because they see so many people. Let me just try and be myself and be a jackass. I'm a smart, alec, sarcastic, a little bit of a jerk. Well, I mean, be it. And it's not like a jerk to be a jerk, but just to be funny and get the laugh out of it and I'll take the chance. But you go in there and you say, oh, Mr. Smiles, I have been working on this. They don't, they see that all the time. They see you nervous. They feed on that and they go, ah, this isn't the right person. You go in there and like, what made you choose that tie

and they're like, huh? Like, look at your tie. You're a network executive. You can't wear the tie. Like, you really don't like the tie? Why not? Like, you're a net, you shouldn't. And they start going on back and they're like,

what are you doing? What are you doing? Like, you could probably do that real. I mean, I could see you going into a room. I go into a room and take it over. Yeah. I go into a room and let them know, I win the church.

It's like going to church. It's a new air. I go in there when we sit on, what happened to the good waters? What the fuck? Exactly. And they don't know. Because they don't have anybody and they're like, he can control the room.

You just sold the show. Yeah. You just sold the show. Did you hear, that's how, what's his name? For Taxi, how Louis De Palma, who played, Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito went in there and he was the Louis DePaulma character. He was just a jackass like, what is this shit? You know, and they're like, this is the guy.

Because you take a chance. You go in there and be safe. If you're really good looking, there's a chance, maybe some. But there's a lot of good looking people. You go in there and you do something that's interesting or do. different than everybody else. Now of a sudden, they're like, who, who, I went to a commercial audition. And I, I wasn't right for the commercial.

It was awesome. Some computer or something. And I did that five minutes of fury thing I talked about. It was so stupid. I, like, look back and think how embarrassing it was to do that thing. But they're like, I go and I had to sing or something like that and improv the commercial, which is a whole other thing it could get into. But I go in and I'm like, I'm not feeling I got to go.

I leave and I get a call back for the commercial. And I'm like, wait. the agents are like they loved you. I'm like, I didn't do the commercial audition. I said I don't feel it. I'll suck at this. And I left. They're like,

they want to see you tomorrow. I'm like, I'm not going in because I'm not right for it. They're just saying that because they feel like they want to be in power. And they want to tell me, no, we don't want you. That's what they want.

They want to tell you, no, we don't want you. They don't want you to walk away on your own power. You know, when somebody does, like it's a breakup. Like it was a relationship with a breakup really, quick where they're like, wait a second, what you can't, I'm dumping you. You're not dumping me.

But I remember that that was another thing I've learned on some of these early commercial auditions. They go in and you, you improvise and then you're the commercial without you. Like they get people to come in and just play around with the product a little bit. And you do that. And all of a sudden, he's like, wait a second, that's my using it as a cigar bit. It's, that has nothing to do. Where did that come from? And you go, I don't want to write these come and I that's part of my problem in LA too because people there's way better improvisers than me and they all know it's going to happen but they some they eventually get some of the stuff but again that's playing off a lot of the desperateness in that world I just couldn't auditions to me and maybe

you just have a better self-worth than I do but you go in and you're sitting on a bench and you're sitting next to in a hallway and you're just like wow I'm really groveling to try and get this along with three other people who were on sitcoms 15 years ago. First of all, look how they see me. I look like sloth from the goonies. You know, these other three guys that are here, I look like that to them. It's like I remember Harlan Williams, Dane Cook,

and like two other guys were always at the same audition. When I was pretty hot, when I first came to L.A., I would get a movie script sent to me that Jack Black and two other fat guys turned down. It was like, maybe Caliendo will look at this, and they didn't want me anyways, but they're just going down the script and they found out

I didn't have the pull to have a movie made in the first place. But it was like, wow, that's who they think I am. I mean, when you ever go to an audition, you look around and go, I look exactly like three of these other guys, what am I going to do that's going to be different? And if I don't have something,

I guess I'm just like these three other guys, then the higher the guy who's tall and better looking. I mean, I went in for Daredevil. I remember going in for the original Daredevil that was Ben Affleck. African girl. And, uh, and yeah, another being, right.

And what was, uh, he's in, um, he directs now. And he was in, uh, Rudy for a small bit. And he was in elf, uh, he's, um, happy in the, um, um,

in Iron Man, uh, you'll know exactly. Oh, Swingers. Yeah, John Favreau. Yeah. John Favreau. And John Favreau got the,

I was never going to get the part. John Favreau's gotten the part. And like, you're going for these auditions and it's like, but every once in a while somebody gets one of the agents you ever have an agent do this oh they can't wait to see you they're really they really when you go down there and they don't even know who you are it's the worst it's the worst thing in the world i always loved auditioning frank i i wasn't making it because i wasn't making it as a comic i the only person who liked me was mitsy shaw okay and montreal wouldn't take me they didn't like what i did with my hand it was just a nightmare

so i grew up i'm an immigrant i grew up on fucking movies charles Bronson, you know, the Lord, you know, fucking Dirty Harry. You know, I grew up on that kid, Steve McQueen. So movies were always very intriguing to me. So when I came to town, I wasn't ready, but I signed with a power television manager. If there was a project, he'd get you in. He grew up in Hollywood. He grew up in Beverly Hills.

He knew everybody. So I went in for Men and Black. I'd go for all that shit. That was one of the many. And I never booked anything. And then I figured out I know what I'm good at. Like I would start getting my mind prepared. But the main audition I never liked that I still turned down today is that we don't know what they're looking for audition.

Right. Then go fuck your mother. Unless I could walk to it, that we don't know what we're looking for audition, you know, unless we got that or then, I could walk to it. I'll go if I go walk to it. But if that's, if I got to drive to Santa Monica, that we don't know what we're looking for audition, coming in jazz us, coming with three original characters and yourself, no, no, no, you're looking for a writer, bitch.

All right. Actually, you'll look for it. How many auditions that I go in and improvise, and the next day I went to shoot, and my line was in there. That's what I'm talking about with the commercial? My lines were in there, and I go, what the fuck is this?

And you don't say nothing because you're dumb, you don't want to rock the boat. Hey, give me your writing credits. Something. Yeah. An associate to the associate to the associate, Everybody has those stories. But I enjoyed

auditioning because after a while I would go in there. I started getting popular with auditions and I'm not scared to say this because of the sopranos and I look like one of the guys. So everything Italian I went in for. Yeah.

I went in for and that taught me how to audition, how to really by 2002 I was a monster. I knew exactly what I was doing the room. I wanted to how I did your mother. How I met your mother? I met your mother's and I walked and had no underwear on just jeans. But there was a little rip

in my jeans and it caught the table and my cock came out the whole thing. It was three women in the producer session and I looked them all at the face and they looked at me and I go, just see the Cuban egg roll? And they bought, you know, when you say that line, you got two things. Either get out of our office or, you know, you just killed us. I had I didn't think you could beat the espresso story, but you did. I had a pant with a flap over my dick and my hand, like I was giving signals for a fastball for the fucking...

And I walked out. I'm down the block at Fox, and my agent calls me, goes, they want you to come back and read. I wasn't there for 25 minutes just laughing. Talking about the Cuban egg roll. I'm uncircumcised. The whole fucking thing. You know, and I got the road. If you watch how I met your mother, you go, you didn't belong in that.

They weren't looking for me. I just got them with that. Right. And I didn't mean to get them. You didn't plan the Cupid? No, no, no, it just ripped, you know. Many auditions I went into. Do you go to a lot of auditions with no underwear?

That thing? No, that one time I went in. Look at the smile. I had to go to audition about a neighbor for this ABC pilot. This was like an American family. This had to be 2002. And I walk in the room and every fucking big Italian actor is in there. And it was a scene where a guy had a thong, the typical Italian, you know, man.

moves into like upgrades this is his living condition and now he's in his yard water in the yard looking at the neighbors and he's grilling hot dogs with you know grill on a little Puerto Rican grill you know the Hibachi one you get the little little one and he's like living in Beverly Hills in his mind and one of the neighbors comes by and he goes look at me you know I'm living great so I'm reading this I'm looking at all these Hollywood names in there these Italian guys and I got to figure something out so I remember that I had I put on like Men's bikinis on purpose.

And I go, I'm going to ask them. Because that's what they said, the cast director said, if you go into an audition, always ask them before you take a piece of clothing on me. So I'm going to go in there. Pretty good advice. So God was in my corner.

God was in my corner. I had sweats on over it. I was 400 pounds with a fucking t-shirt on. When I walk in, they're like, thank you for coming. Can you give us a minute? And they turned around to start looking at, shots I go this is my chance I took my shirt off I took my fucking sweatpants and all three of them turned around and I like

And I took the hose and I go look at me living like a doctor And they that was it like they told me in the room listen tell those people outside just to leave You booked it because I knew how to get you took the chance you have to take a chance the chance it's just it's your people go to audition to book a job I go to be remembered I go to rattle the picture up even though you're looking at Frank Kelly and though and even though you're looking at Tony soprano and even though you're looking at Brad Pitt fucking Diaz

came in here and fucked up our room yeah we gotta do something with it yeah that's I mean you and I learn the same lesson and you applied it that's the big difference as you go in there some people like it Frank oh yeah you gotta be willing to take the rejection on that how many impressions I could do

zero no it's fine but it's zero it's not even that it's you take those chances and life and that's they can really pay off it's an amazing you don't realize how great that is because they'll remember like you said you don't have to book the job but you have to be remembered because then they'll go and sometimes the memory is not clear of what you did like you'll have done something that did something like something but that guy he did something i just bring him back when i when you and i got here you can see that good fellas the guy that walks in i'm sorry to say this on the podcast. He walks into the dining, he goes, two niggas just stole my car.

Oh, geez. You know how he got that? You've never seen that guy again. And then he thinks. He's a comic from L.A., sweetheart of a guy. Right. When I first got out here, I saw him the first night. I'm like, you're the guy from Goodfell. Like, my head almost blew up. Like, he was at the improv doing the spot on him. And we became friends, and I saw him an audition. I said to him, how did you get Goodfellas? He goes, I was in prison. And I read the book, just like I did. I read Goodfellas in prison.

And lived part of him. And he goes, when I came out, I wrote Scorsese letters, letters, letters. And when he cast Goodfellas, he called me in in Brooklyn. This idiot walked in, took a gun out and put it on the desk. And he sat down. He goes, I'm here. And Scorsese said, okay, security. Come get this guy to my building.

They squatted him out. Right. A month later, he goes, I got a line for you. I bet that guy can't go into Black Neighborwoods today or going to Kentucky. fried chicken or anything like that. You guys edit this thing, right? No. No.

I disagree with everything that's just happening. No, no, no. Think about it. I get it. Where can he walk into with 10 black people? And they're going to go, aren't you the motherfucker from Goodfellas? He's going to go, no. No, no, that wasn't me.

This was at the end of the podcast and I walked out. That's all I'm saying. No, no, but think about that. I mean, he was remembered. And I could just see Scorsese going, What idiot will do this line of the movie? Like I can just see Sir as crazy going, I got to find the guy to say, you know,

two movies just on my truck on national TV. He goes, who can I get? The guy with the gun, that retard. That's a... Oh, my. Frank Collian, how long... No, don't say my name anywhere near this stuff. Frank Lian, the whole are you on Matt TV.

Joey Diaz, this is just a guy doing a Frank Kelly in an impression. What was? As long as I was on MAD TV for five years. How'd you feel about it? I didn't love it. It was, I never got to,

all they wanted me to do was John Madden's stuff. And at the beginning, that's probably where I should have been, but I started working. I remember doing a sketch where I'd worked on it really, really hard to play an original character. Guy, Rich Tala Rico sat down with me, wrote this great sketch.

I was a little piece of it, but he really wrote that most of it. It was an athletic trainer, a physical trainer who, to get to the training facility had to go upstairs and was winded. Like he should not have been, like he drops the towel. He picks it up with his foot. Like, oh, God.

Oh, give me a second. And I pick it up. Like, the person is like, aren't you going to bend down and get that? I'm like, oh, that's just, I just do the stairs. This is tough. It nailed the table read. And everyone was like, Frank, that was fan. All the cast members like, that was awesome, Frank.

Never saw you, never seen you do anything like that at all. really cool can't wait to see that sketch made everybody you know pumping it up and they never made the sketch they tabled it and had me do another john mad sketch and that's when i knew they were never going to give me an opportunity to do anything outside of that take a chance and something outside of the impressions and i was like i'm i'm done here this is i don't care anymore i'll ride this out and the same time i got the NFL on fox job with bradshaw and howie long and those guys and being around hall of fame NFL guys that's what brought me up that's what brought me up that's That's what made me, that's what got me into the corporate comedy world, which is where all the money is and stuff like that.

So I didn't even care. Mad TV let me do that. One year I even got out of like 10 episodes of Mad TV because I said it was too much of a workload, but it was really just I didn't like what I was doing at Mad TV. I was doing more stuff at the NFL and Fox. It was a football show. So I didn't have a great time there. But again, I didn't push myself and fight for myself. I watched the guys like Kegan Michael Key and Jordan Peel, who were there later when I was

just ending and trying to get out of there, really. And Will Saso before me. And if I had to learn those lessons, they were the ones fighting for themselves and right in on the writing of their own sketches. Even if they, those guys wrote their own sketches, Key and Peel did. And that's why I think their stuff went over so well. They didn't even break until they did Key and Peel where they 100% were in control of editing and stuff like that. But I remember there was a point. where Jordan Peel, they're like the powers that be at Mad TV is like, this guy doesn't work

for this show. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's a genius. And I wasn't the only one that saw it, not trying to say that. But I'm like watching. And Keegan was another one. I was like, this guy should be on Saturday Live. Every sketch he does would be, you know, played everywhere the next day. It was one of those things where you could just see Madge. When I first went to Mad TV, I did a John Madden thing, go figure. And it was. talking about war and stuff. They started playing it on different news shows. And like Matt TV was like, they were getting publicity.

But these guys had like totally original, created stuff that you're going, if they were on Saturday Live, and Jordan stuff was more subdued, but just really brilliantly written. And Keegan stuff was big over the top characters that you would just see breaking out as Saturday Live and there'd be a toy made and shirts the next day.

And these guys, they directed, they drove their own. stuff and kind of told the directors and the producers, this is how we're doing it. And they got the stuff they wanted, made the way they wanted to. And that's how it really works. If you can do that and have the confidence in yourself, because there's so many people around you telling, no, you have to listen to this person. And I was one of those people that listen. You can get a lot better done. And you might have a reputation of being a tougher person or something. But it's not really that. You're just standing up for yourself.

And I never stood up for myself. I heard Slandland Live is doggy dog. I don't think it's as much as it used to be. Not anymore, but I heard you had to be that eight with your sh-brudel. Like if everybody had a call time at 10, you would have to be that eight to pull the producers aside. Yeah. And the writers and say, take a look at this. And then, oh, yeah, we have some.

Like, you had to stay on top of your thing. I talked to be like Dana Carvey and some of the other people around those times that were like, yeah, you'd write your own scale. No, and so this, that doesn't even come from. That was from something. I heard David Spade talk about it, where David Spade talked about, you can't, you would have to write the stuff. stuff with the writers and then perform it and make sure you were in on the writing.

Because if you let writers just write stuff, they'd give it to the people who are already famous, like the more famous people on the show that are already broken. They want their sketches made and talked about, right? So you don't give it to the new person. You give it to the new person. There's a chance, there's a better chance of failure on your sketch. You write it, you come up with it, you give it to the main people because they're going to sell it, you give it to Will Ferrell at the time.

You give it to whoever's there and you know that stuff's going to break, right? Or at least it has a chance. You give it to somebody who's unknown might be thrown at the end of the show because one of the big, you know, three or four isn't in it. And you don't want the throwaway sketch. You want the show, you want the show opener or in the top three sketches because that's when everybody's watching and cares about it. Unless it's something crazy that happens weird at the end, like a Tracy Morgan scratch that the first time is like, I'm Brian fellows. And it's like, it's so weird that it takes off because of that, but you won't want that up front because it's not the right time or feel, but later it becomes that. It works its way in. But as a writer, you want to give the stuff to the star. If the star is saying your words, man, you ever, you ever done this? You're in a table read. And for the people who listen to the podcast, you don't know what table read is. It's when the first run through and read through of a sketch or a sitcom or whatever. And you say something. And who's laughing? The person who wrote. it like three writers like you say something it's it's kind of funny but there's three people

going and nobody else is laughing in the room and you don't understand at the beginning but then it's three three times in you know three three table reads in you're like wait a second they wrote that that's why they're laughing and then the writers are only laughing at their own stuff they're shutting down other people's stuff i'm not saying all people do this then i think it's part of human nature like you want your stuff to do well and you're you're you're encouraging your own things sometimes you'd read something at table read and you'd get a nervous laugh from a hey like that kind of like they're not sure if it's funny or not

and nobody else is laughing but the writer's like you're going I want to take you to realize all this is bullshit I mean I think I knew pretty early on but I'm listen I'm a cynic from the beginning I've never liked anything I've done for the most part I looked at anything I've ever done and I'm going I don't know

I'm a real And people when they meet me end up saying, oh, you didn't think that was good. And I thought that sucked. What did you think about that thing? I thought that was pretty good. And I'm really proud of this. But most of the stuff I did along the way was a lot of acquiescing, a lot of giving in and compromising to other people's ideas.

It's good, but it wasn't my vision. I watched Frank TV stuff, the show you came on with me. And I go, oh, man, I should have watched the editing of this because this is really written well. but by the time it got through three different layers of editing, they chopped out all the air. And it's, you need space, you need time in between lines, and you can't cut out setups.

Because if you don't have the setups, it's just a bunch of punchlines, and there's no context to what the joke is. It's not a joke if it's just a punchline. It's a setup that doesn't make sense. If you don't have a setup in the joke, you need to say, why did they go to the store? Or why did the chicken cross the road?

If you just said to get to the other side, why? I don't get it. And that's what a lot of times they would do in my show when I watch. I go, oh man, they're just doing to get to the other side. They're not doing the setup in it. I don't even know how it got there. And it's, comedies evolved, I think, too. Like, look at your podcast. You're a comedian. You're known as a funny person. You're funny in the moments that need to be funny. The rest of the time, you're interesting. And I started this podcast with these guys. It's all about. comic books and superheroes and stuff like that because I wanted to show people a different side of me and I said don't try to be funny on it and it is it's it's all interrupting each other it's like try to be

interesting be interesting and people will care because I mean even your voice joe your voice I listen you have that deep base in your voice and you have a way you talk and you get to it but I want I'm willing to listen and wait, and it pays off a lot of time to find out, I want to know what you did and how you got to that. But you have that. It's a lot of people, they don't. They just want to be funny and trying to be funny. That's the one-liner guy we talked about. Yeah.

The podcast, I caught it early on. People trying to be cute. It's not going to work. Everybody's funny. Hey, I've caught myself. Everybody's funny. I've caught myself 10 times going, hey, do I? try and do this little bitty thing here.

And I go, no, no, that's not this place. This place is just talk. Because it's different. I don't know if it's different for you. You can tell me if you feel the same way. But when I go on like a radio station or something like that, and I'm on there for 20 minutes or however long, I've got a job to do.

And that's sell tickets because I want to make the money there. Here it's more like, I want to be in your world. I want to be part of your world. If I came in here with Jokey, in the first 10 minutes, you're going, hey, great podcast. And I love, say the word podcast. Podcast. I don't know.

I don't know why. Because we had a time issue thing and it was, it cracked me because it made me realize, it made me learn something about podcast too. You've actually taught me a lot in a little bit of time is you have a brand. You care about it. You want it to be something. Don't mess with it. And I sometimes just get my podcast over with it.

If we don't have something I feel is great because at the beginning, you're just trying to figure your way out. but I said, hey, I got to catch this 430 flight. I got to be out of here at 3.30. And do you text? You don't text a lot. You call, right? After the second text, I'm not going to text.

Yeah. I just pick up the fucking phone. I've learned. Just pick up the fucking phone. Jesus Christ. And I have trouble with it. It's like people on Facebook. How are you doing?

I'm doing great. And then you go back to doing what you're doing. And now they want to have a conversation. And I'm like, listen, that's not going to happen. I don't give you the how you doing. I just go right into the questions, but I realized early on, it's going to be a phone call. So, actually, I got to get, we were going to record this at 2 o'clock

and like I got to catch a 4.30 flight out of Burbank. It's only 10 minutes. I got to get out there about 3.15. I don't realize, you know, I do 45-minute podcast right now because we don't have the audience. We're trying to build. We're trying to find out who we are.

I think it's a waste of time for me to do that much time. So I don't realize you'll just go until you feel it's over. No, we'll wrap it up here. No, I want to go as long. I've been doing them short. Listen, nobody has the stamina to go three hours. Lee nobody could sit there for three years.

But I'm not saying I want to do. No, no, no. I told you something. It's like if you call me tomorrow. It said, Joey, I want you to be on Frank TV. I love you, Joey. Don't come in at 8 o'clock in the morning. Just show up around 2.30.

Right. And I go to you, Frank, I got to leave at 3.30. You're going to go, you know what? I don't want to put you through that, and I don't want to put myself through it. Because this guy's going to be taping, and the whole time, he's talking about the traffic on the 405. I don't need that.

I should have. What I should have done. No, what I should have done, because I'd already changed the time on you a couple of times trying to fix things. I was trying to say, hey, I really want to do this and I didn't want to make it earlier.

And then what I should have done is called you and realized then we don't have a text to look back at and you see how many times I've changed. You're not going to remember. So it's like, then you said, and I got scared. I'm like, no,

I want to do this. This is where I'm trying to go in my career, life, to be here. Like I did a lot of things in these last couple days in LA. How long have you been in that life? Just two days. What do you think? I mean, when did you?

Let me, but let me finish it. Let me finish. But when you said, let's just do it another time. I got scared to death. And that's when I called you and like, or you called me. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, Mr. Diaz. Can we please, please, please, please, please, can we do that? Like, I was like, no.

And then you said, well, let's do it at one, one o'clock. I want to give my guest justice. But it taught me that. Jesus Christ. I learned something. And not even that. it's the show and you're a hundred percent right. Don't try and fit it in

do it right. And I'm like, I can do it right and then we even you said 130. I'm like, I can be there at one. You're like, I'll be there at 1. We were here at 1230. It's Frank, you know, it's like you shoot Monday through Thursday. Everybody knows Frank O'Indeley's

fucking Friday to make his real money. He's doing a favor for you. And all of a sudden I come at you before you rap and go, you got to be here to tomorrow until 10, Frank. Right. Even though your flights hit two. Are you going to focus? Yeah, you can't.

Can't focus. I learned this during, analyze that in 2002 when they said I was the first scene up and you'll be out of there by 2 o'clock. So I booked Rascals at 8. And guess what happened when I got there? You can't shoot early. The bar won't let you shoot until 4 o'clock. I'm like, oh, no. I got the whole weekend that Rascals opening up for Rocky LaPort.

It's Wednesday night. And now I'm trying to say. You and Rocky LaPort. He didn't like me now. Now I'm trying to open up the fucking, I'm trying to do my line and I can't because I'm thinking about the 32-minute ride to Rascals. That's why I say to people, give me your time. When did you move to Arizona? When did you decide on Arizona?

You were right here for a while. Yeah, I had a house on Coldwater Ventura. Somewhere around here. It was originally owned by Bud Abbott, which was part of the reason I bought the house from Abbott and Costello. Right behind the Ralph's over there. And so I think I'm, my daughter was born. I didn't want to raise my kids in L.A. I'm like, I think I just want to.

And Phoenix was a place where it was a lot of people from the Midwest who just didn't want to be cold anymore. I just felt like so much was fake out here. I didn't trust anything. And I was like, we can either move way out. And then I might as well just fly into the airport anyways. So that was 13 years ago. So 13 years ago, I was either going to be Vegas or because I thought it might work. there. But then I looked at Vegas, I'm like, there's obviously a terrible place to raise kids,

too. So I'd settle on Phoenix and like that because it's just real everyday regular people. My wife's from Cleveland. She would, she, I think she liked that more. The desert scape, you know, not a lot of grass. She missed that. But in terms of, you know, just having a neighborhood, it was, it was the right move because we have like really nice neighborhood. Everything's right around us. and it's pretty safe feeling. So I was even shooting my show, the Frank TV show. I was flying in to do that every week. And I had two guys, Freddie Lockhart and Mike McCrae.

They were living at my house. I just had him. Houston, Mike. Yeah. Is that? Yeah, that's what you're from. Houston, Mike. Yeah, he's a brilliant guy, too.

He showed up to a car. I knew him before you got the show. I knew from Houston as a feature. Yeah. And then, you know, now. I think he lives in Austin now. Yeah. But he's kind of like me where he went and did his own thing.

Yeah, he just has a family. Sometimes people come here and they go, this isn't for me. Yeah. I like it. I get it. And he's brilliant. He's brilliant. I mean, he's ended up doing Letterman.

Yeah, he did. I actually think I helped him get on that. It was an impressionist thing. Right. And I'm like, you got to see this guy. He does this incredible Harrison Ford. And Eddie Brill might have seen him before that or something like that. But they, they brought him on and he just killed.

He just slayed. And he's really, really good. And just a brilliant writer. as a stand-up comedian. And he did a bunch of cartoon voices, I think. And I think he was even the voice of Buzz Lightyear for some toys. So he did a bunch of things.

But that was one where I was trying to get more people on my show. They wanted to be the Frank Calliando show, just Frank Calliando show. I'm like, how about some other people? And they let me have a couple cast members. And those were the guys that got picked. Melissa Villisignior, she was on the show. And I love going back and looking at people's bios

because it's so funny. And now, because she was on America's got talent. or one of the, I think that's the show. Her first show, she made her television debut on, on America's Got Talent. No, no, no, no, no. She was on Frank TV. Not that it matters, but I was like,

I've been a race from history there. Come on, I had a couple people on. I'm very proud that I fought for. And because like, I got you on my MDB. Yeah, well, people, I saw it. People were, but people, there were people that the network or the producers like,

no, I'm like, no, this, I really want this person on. I think that they're funny. They're, it might be 100% right, but they'll be funnier than the people you've got that you're bringing into me in this situation. I think it's the right person. I would fight. It's funny, I would fight for my own person, something more than I'd fight for myself at times. And I think I'm actually better at that because I, I just, I don't know, some self-worth kind of thing or something along the way. My dad used to tell me that. He's like, Frank, you don't have any confidence. I'm like, I, but I don't know. It's just me. It's where I'm coming from. It's who I am. So you've got to have confidence.

You still work for Fox? No, no, no, because I went to ESPN a couple years ago. It's so funny. I haven't been on the NFL on Fox for years, and people still think I'm on that football show, because I was there for nine years. I've been gone for probably eight myself. No, best damn sports?

No, that's not even on anymore. No, but you... I did some of that. That's how they got me that. That's how I got that show. It's because I went on and did a bunch of other impressions other than John Madden, and Jimmy Kimmel was leaving,

and a couple other people were going to audition. And there were some pretty big people. It was Billy Gardell and Craig plays that. He's very funny. He was on the office. Craig Robinson. Brilliantly funny. They did a point, counterpoint thing.

Jeff Dunham was going to do a thing with puppets every week. And I got the job. And Dunham wrote about it in his book. He told me, like, that was the best thing that ever could have happened for him. But he didn't get that job because he started working on some other things and doing some different stuff. But I got that job. And it was perfect for me for the day.

time but I got lazy. I started just I didn't there was should have been a second job. I made it a first and got complacent with it. I was like I'm making a lot of money and I'm really happy right now and but it was such a big thing but I also didn't fight for myself to be me in anything. I I should have fought to have myself in some of the sketches as myself like playing off the characters or something which I ended up doing some on frank TV which really helped but then it was just I was just the impressions and you couldn't you can't. you can't get other stuff from that. They need to see you be something else.

Rob Riggle does that show now, and he does the characters, and it plays himself, and he plays other, he gets other movie parts. He was in movies before great movies and stuff like that. But you play other things, and people only see as one thing.

I just pigeonholed myself so much into that, that I'm looking at it going, I should have done that differently. I fought for myself to be, uh, you know, give a little more of, myself. When the first ones, it didn't work. They put me at a bar. I'm not a, I never had a,

I've never been drunk. And I'm a bartender and I'm throwing to the impression thing. And it was kind of a weird thing they wanted, because Kimmel was on a couch, which made sense, I'm like, I should be on a couch. I'm a regular guy. That's what I am. If there's anything able to play, it's your neighbor who has, you know, a couple kids or something like that. I'm not the bartender. I'm pretending to be a bartender right there from when we talked about the very beginning, truth. There's no truth in it. It didn't work. And I do find truth in the impressions, believe it or not. It seems like it might be the opposite, but it's really me coming through the impression. But I was faking. I just did what they said. They're like, let's make you a bartender,

a pizza delivery guy, and then you become the character. And I said, yes, okay, looking for the gimmick. It was too gimmicky. They cut it out, and I just went straight to the impressions of the sketch. But it didn't do anything for me in terms of helping me build a career. It just made me the guy who puts the wig on and the makeup, and now you're the impression. The John Mann never ended up talking to you. Yeah, I made it, I made his grandkids laugh at the Super Bowl one time. This was in Dallas at the Four Seasons Hotel and Jimmy Johnson standing next one football coach not the race car driver. I'm like, Jimmy, you could believe I'm close, this close to John Mays like, what?

Yeah, he taps man on the shoulder man, looks like, what is it? Oh, and the look on his face when he saw me was pure horror. It was like, is that, that's the guy, you know, like, it was like when Shaggy and Scooby, see the bad guy pop out of the barrel. Like, let's get out of here, Scoob. It was this terrible look that went over his face. And but I made his grandkids laugh. And when his grandkids laugh was like, I get it. Like it came through his head.

I'm like, can I get a picture with you? And up until then, he'd hated me. And I know that's true because network executives it told me. Like I did a commercial. I try. This is almost a Joey Diaz level commercial, but a little safer, but on the same side. So there's a. a commercial where John Madden's going to sing

with some NASCAR driver sing Christmas carols. And I go, they wanted me to audition for it. I go, first of all, I'm not auditioning for a John Madden voiceover as his voice. You can either just, there's a lot of things I would audition for it. That's not one of them. Listen, just listen to me somewhere. And you'll know I'm the guy who's pigeonhole himself as John Matt. So I go in, I'm like, there, I'm like, what's the song?

Just Not Roasting on an open fire. And it sounds like, I mean, like, this is unbelievable. By the way, I made them pay me to go to the audition. I don't know if anybody's ever done that before. I made them pay me $1,500 to audition for something. And they said, we don't pay for an audition. That's ridiculous. I go, he's not going to let it happen.

So this is the job. The job is me spending my time to go in there. You need to pay me $1,500. So they paid me $1,500 after seeing a tape. I did it. They're like, this is incredible. You sound exactly like them. And he saw it, asked who it was, or the management asked, or made me an agent, and I didn't get the job.

And they, like, they were all crazy. Like, this is incredible. You're right on the money. We didn't think we'd find anything. And then you watched the commercial. I saw the commercial one day later. And it's like, just starts roasting all it open fire. Like, it's like they wanted completely joking.

They could have had it. And there's a way before that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, the, this, the story at the hotel. But then he met me and realized, hey, I'm just. just a regular guy. I'm just, I'm having fun with this. It's a joke. It's, it's not to try and destroy him. A lot of people think when you do an impression of them you're trying to destroy and hurt

them. It's a form of flattery. It can be, but it's also, they're worried it's going to hurt their money. I don't think some of them don't care about that. Unless it's a bad and fucking impression. Right. That's a great impression like what you were doing him is great. Alex Baldwin is fucking the president is horrible. Well, he's angry.

I mean, it's just a angry thing and it's only going to get about. That show just, every time I watch that show. When I do Trump, here's the thing. This is a tough thing for me because I have an audience, my audience is across the board. And I always want to respect people no matter where they are, even if I disagree with them in comedy. My job is to be silly, kind of Steve Martin thinking, like, I want to get you out there and I want you to forget stuff. Even I'm going to do a Trump, I can't not do a Trump impression because he's out. Everybody knows him. The audiences are so segmented. Nobody watches the same stuff. Like, things winning Emmys are marvelous

Ms. Maisel and Maisel and all these different great shows, but it's so segmented. Everybody knows politicians and a lot of people know sports. But I'm going to go out there and I have people walking out just because I go, that was the number one impression. And people are just mad because it's Trump and they might be a huge Trump support. I'm like, listen, whatever. I'm not trying to make you mad. Just listen to jokes.

And I'm talking about a personality. I did it with Bush. I did it with Obama. I did it everywhere with all these people. now all of a sudden I can't just make, you know, easy, not easy, but like non-political jokes. There's nothing political about this. It's just silly. But I walk that line and if you decide that you hate me because I'm doing that or I get this too, you're not being mean enough to Trump. What do you mean? That's not who I am.

You want me to be angry about, I don't, there's things I don't like. I get it. I get why you might not like. I might, I get why somebody, I also understand somebody might like him because of something because they've compartmentalized. We all do that in life. Like, I mean, it's terrible. but listen, it'll help me. And if you're, that's, everybody's out there for themselves in some way. Don't admit that you are. People won't admit that. They wouldn't admit.

We're all selfish. We all have a selfishness about them, about ourselves. Admit that. So I'm out there and my selfishness is I'm trying to make money and I'm trying to offend as least amount of people possible and just be silly. I'm not going to be as angry as, you know, it feels like when Alec Baldwin is doing that, I feel like he's playing to a very specific audience. And that's fine.

You can do that because he's got that audience. He's at that level of an actor. I'm playing for everybody. You still travel a lot? Yes and no. It's up and down depending on what my kids are doing. So I'll go do a date here and day there. What I'm working on now is I'll go to do,

I will go and do a night and work on. I like doing clubs a lot more because I'm working on changing who I am. So at a club, I can get that. feeling of the closest, the proximity of the audience, and I can try a lot of stuff that I'd never try on a theater stage. Or a casino stage. You know, you go to the casino, those are 50, $60 tickets to go up there and goof around. And then I don't live in LA to go do a bunch of guests all the time and work on stuff. I work on stuff. I go do an hour, hour and 15 minutes, and 20 minutes will be totally different stuff. And sometimes another 10 minutes of goofing around.

And then I'll give them the best of stuff that they, some people paid to see. Because there's people who still, I'm like a rerun for a lot of people. I mean, not on TV, but on stage, people will come to see certain things. And it's, you know, it's like a Brian Regan thing or it's going to cup of dirt and people are calling stuff out. So traveling, yes, and I picked the times. I just pick the times. When can they find you, these savages? At Frankonstage.com is the easiest.

There's a couple of California dates. there's uh i'm doing the improv in a little bit i'm not sure when we're airing exactly so uh Niagara falls at the Seneca Niagara's a great club yeah fantastic I love that uh there's um Houston improv I'm not sure place uh yeah and and the the Niagara show will be a little bit different rich Ridgefield Connecticut at the at the at the Ridgefield playhouse but that's a smaller 500 cedar I can I can mess around a little bit there um but at At Frank Caliano on Twitter, at Frank Caliano, Instagram. I've been working on the Instagram,

make you take a couple pictures with me. Because I neglected that. I didn't. Yeah, today's world is. That's all that. It's a mistake that I made. And I look back and go, I bet on Vine and Twitter.

And Twitter's all angry people and information direct or directly at you. And Vine died, went away. And the Instagram. Why is gone? Oh, yeah. It's been gone for a while. Jesus, that's how I'm glad. I am.

Yeah. Well, I look at your Instagram. You got 800,000 or a million or something like that. And I'm going, wow, that's, and the podcasting side. Am I plugging too much right now? No, no, no. But I started doing that. Al Jackson and I, you know Al?

No, I love a name. He's a very, very funny guy. He had a thing that went viral a couple years ago. I saw him. I'm like, wow, this is, this is what I want to do. I want to talk. It's called Al and Frank try to be serious. And it's, we actually talk about political topics without being political.

I want to say that? iTunes. Yeah, iTunes and everything. We haven't even tried to put it on something bigger yet because we're still developing right now and trying to find our complete voice. We only been doing like a couple months. So you know how it is.

You start to get along the way and you start to feel it and then you start to bring guests on and then you can do newer things. And we're just making sure our camera. Because he does it from Denver and I'm in Phoenix and we do it over the internet. And we've got that down. But now when you bring a guest in,

it's a little bit more difficult. And I think that's really how you grow. You have interesting guests. And, you know, everybody's social media merges and everybody talks about each other and your other audiences find you. Like most of my audience, like I think that I don't know the last time I said, we've been sitting here for what, hour and a half or something like that? Yeah, we got to wrap it up.

Yeah, I'm not, again, I'm not worried about that. I got plenty of time. Okay, you do? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When's the last time I sat down and just talked with somebody for this long? I threw a couple of voices in, some people remember it's me. But it's like, this is me. This is who I am.

People see that a little bit. And that's why I started that comic playground podcast. That's on iTunes too. It's so people can see another version of me. And I'll do all the stuff. I'll do the puppet show. That's part of what I do is throwing that stuff in here and there. But when people, like we said at the very meeting, you know where I'm coming from,

it's easier to latch on. It's easier to know. the person it's better to know i was so i've always been so amazed i go and watch somebody like lewis black and there are elements of polished stuff but he's just talking at times he you just you do it too you can just tell the story you talk but it bring them down a humanity level yeah but it's hard to do like in it but when people you've have you ever opened for a music act yes people go there with the mindset of i want to listen to music and you're up there doing jokes And I'm my own band playing after myself because people are waiting for the impressions

and I'm just talking for a while. Years ago, this is right. I think it was after, I might have been before Vegas. I don't know what was, but Celine Dion's people wanted me to go on the road with Celine Dion to open for Celine. I'm like, what audience do you think I, like I'm known for sports stuff? I have a lot more to me, but that's what I've shown people. I'm definitely not for Celine Dion's audience unless it's for all the husbands and boyfriends.

Oh, I would have to fucking shoot myself. Could you imagine? Fucking Salient. Like, I couldn't even think about it. Like, I would have died. And what they ended up getting was a singing impressionist, which, okay, that makes sense. You didn't want the guy who at the time did the John Madden and the, you know, the president Bush or whoever was there at the time.

I'm like, okay. At least that I know. why they came for me, but they were offering like money. It wasn't incredible money, but it was good money to go tour with Celine Dion. A lot of people just said, yes, I'm like, I'm going to tank at this. It's just and I don't want to adapt.

No, you know, people have opened up a chair and died. That's two different fucking animals, Frank. I like stand-up. You know, if it's the Allman brothers, I'm an OD, I'm in. You know what I'm saying? If I want to go on a band and do drugs and fuck the leftovers, Motley crew, and get syphilis, I'm in. But I'm going to open up for Celine Dion and drink

bottled water. Get the fuck out of here. We are so the same person. If there's one thing I've learned today, you and I are mirror images of each other in life. I'm going to stab myself I'm 80 times. I've lived such a clean, I've lived a pretty...

Listen, I've got flaws and I've been a pretty bad person at times in my life. But you're one of those guys. It's like when I watched Tombstone and watched Val Kimmer play Doc Holiday, I wanted to be him. Somewhere along the line, you fuck somebody. in the ass.

College, you came in somebody's mouth. You ain't no fucking angel, Frank Kalia. Next time you're in town, you're always welcome on the show. I'd love to come back. Thank you very much for taking the time. Thank you, Phoenix. And call me, and I'll get you up on Seguura. Oh, yeah.

Let's do a little, let's get you out. Oh, I'd love that. So go home for a couple weeks, get your head together. Yeah. And call me and go, what do you recommend? I'll put you around. Oh, I love that. Yeah, I'm going to start networking.

Yeah, you have to. This is like Steelers. No, you did, listen. I remember people would go, this motherfucker gets up at four and calls three fucking radio stations every day. You invented this. It just changed. I did.

The game just changed. Yeah, you invented this. You were the one that put the fucking thing. Listen, let me tell you about opportunities missed. There was a time I was the number one thing on YouTube before cat that has a heart attack, you know, something like that took over. I was the number one thing on YouTube with the Bush v. versus Clinton comparison.

Now, this is before subscribe. I don't even have, I have almost no subscriptions because I didn't follow up on it. The original one still gets a couple thousand hits a day, and it's Bill Clinton versus George W. Bush, how are they alike and how are they different kind of thing? But there was, like writers and bloggers

were calling it the Frank Calendo effect. Before YouTube was the thing, I was number one on it for a while. And this is before history of dance. It still probably only has 15 million things, but I had 2 million when people had 10,000. It's time you're like gladiator. It's time to get fucking roamed back.

You know what I'm saying? It's trying to get roamed back. I want to thank Frank Calando. I want to thank the Christ killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you savages for listening to the show and supporting us every week. Your plug, your commercials at the beginning, your sponsors. Maybe I've never heard anybody. I fucking use it.

Yeah, no, that these motherfuckers. You've got to sell. It's all the R-R. Right now, we're living in an R-rated world. If you, whoever does R-rated commercials on the internet first, it's going to make millions of dollars. Yeah. Everybody else is just pulling flowers out of the rest of the competition.

I can't, I want to, you're the only. I told me yesterday. How many, how many actual campaigns? You're like my uncle. You're getting angry for some of them. I gave you a compliment. You're getting angry. How many actual commercial campaigns are there anymore?

That you would get a call 10 years ago and say you're shooting 10, Kia commercials. You're shooting four Kia commercials. There's no more campaigns no more. It's all on the internet. So when somebody comes up and goes, hi, Harry's Plummer, let me unplug your asshole for you. That guy is going to fucking get a thousand calls

that day. I want to thank Frank the Christ killer and I want to thank you guys for supporting the show and go see Frank in Connecticut, Houston and Seneca. You know, I love you motherfuckers. And you Canadians come down and watch Frank Colleen don't learn something. Stop fucking sitting up there. Looking at a flag with a leaf on it.

All right. I want to thank Frank. I want to thank the fucking Christkiller. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys. Do not forget there's one show available, a late show, Saturday night in Milwaukee. You guys are going to rock. It's myself in Dean Delray.

Minneapolis is all fucking sold out. We didn't have a second show. Milwaukee, we got the second show. We're ready for you. Get ready to rock. Bring the refo, bring the heroin. Bring them a sugar in the pills. Whatever you got.

We'll fucking going deep, all right? Like I said, I want to thank Frank. I want to thank the Christ killer, but you guys always hit it out of the park. Oh, and now for our word from our sponsors. Let me tell you something, all right? Quip is the better electronic toothbrush created by dentists and designers.

Quip was designed to make brushing your teeth more simple, affordable, and even enjoyable. One of the most important things we do for our health every day is brushing our teeth, yet most of us do not do it properly, all right? Number one, they got a must. multi-use cover that mounts to your mirror and it unmounts to slide over your bristles for on-the-go brushing. Why, it declutters your sink space and cabinet and makes traveling with the electric toothbrush easier. Quip doesn't require a clunky charger and runs for three months, three months on one charge.

The sonic vibrations are gentle enough on your sensitive gums. People brush too hard, and some electric toothbrushes are too abrasive. I know the ones I've had before, that's why I stopped using them. They just fuck up my gun. Not with quip. Quip keeps your mouth clean. It has a pulsar which buzzes every 30 seconds to remind you when to switch sides. It's helping you guide to a full and even clean. And the brushheads are automatically delivered on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just $5.

All right, three out of four of us, bristles. We brush our teeth with toothbrushes that are all worn out in the effective. It ends today. Quip is the way to go. It's one of the first electric toothbrushes accepted by the American Dental Association and has thousands of verified five-star reviews. What I'm going to do for you is this, all right? I love quip because it's the clutters. It has the sonic vibrations and the best thing I like about is a two-minute pulsar. That's tremendous. All right. These are the reasons why I love quip, but the main reason is because they're backed by 20,000 dental professionals.

Quip starts at $25. And if you go to getquip.com slash joy right now, you can get your first refill pack for free. Free, bitches. Three days after taxes, I'm giving away shit for free. That's your first refill pack for free at getquip.com slash Joey. Go to getquip.com and get the best electric razor. The best electric toothbrush in the market today, all right?

The podcast is also brought to you. by Manscaped. Every time my wife cuts, trims around the fucking bean pole or my nutsack, my blood prices raises 160 over the fucking hundred. Don't cut your dick off, fucko. The suffering and the anxiety ends today.

With Manscape, you can get it done right. Without the pain and suffering, you don't feel like Jesus before you got killed. Nothing like that. They got precision tools for your family motherfucking jewels. Manscaped has redesigned the electric razor.

Their invention is the loan mower, a handheld razor with skin-safe technology so it won't nick or snag your little fucking sack. It's very gentle. The older you get, the thinner the skin gets. You got to go easy on what the Lord gave you. This bad boy will leave you clean, smooth, and pain-free. Plus, it's rechargeable and very easy to hold. Get in on all the nooks and the fucking crannies. Manscape will get you a little beanbag looking like leaves fucking head when he shaves.

Smooth as a fucking egg. And I'm not going to let you get off with the little secret. If you trim the hedges, that fucking beam pole look a lot bigger. What the fucking you waiting for? Trim that fucking egg roll with Manscape. Now, at Manscape.com, you can get everything you need to make your ball shine and keep your dick looking like a fucking Mona Lisa. You understand me?

If this is the first time you've considered manscaping, they got the deal for you. And this is the first time you consider manscaping. You should be ashamed of yourself, you filthy fucking animal. Manscape has the perfect package What comes with a lawnmower And a safety razor Plus the crop preserver You're like, Joey, what's the crop preserver?

It's a specially formulated deodorant So your balls don't stick like a dead Fucking body, you understand me? Right now Sniff your balls. They look like nips. They smell like nipsy hustles fucking feet He's been in the casket for a week. Get your life together, motherfucker. And the revival

Is a sprints that tones And refreshes your junk to keep your nuts that cool like a fucking ice cube because you don't want your balls hot, especially now it's summertime coming. Listeners can go to the church right now and get 20% off your first

order when you use the code church at manscape.com. Right now, if you order the perfect packets, they'll also throw in a free travel bag when you use the code church. That's manscape.com. Use promo code church and get 20% off your first order. Listen, bitch,

Summer's coming. Keep your nuts at clean. The podcast is also brought to you by audit. Number one when it comes to supplements in my motherfucking book. Who else gives you, if the alpha brain don't work for you, we give you 100% money back guarantee. We let you keep the fucking product.

That's pride, that's commitment. That's something a lot of companies don't have today. Audit is the way to go. It's the Shroom Tech immune, the Shroom Tech Sport, the fucking jerky, the protein powders, everything. Aubrey goes out of his way to make everything the number one that he gets.

I've had conversation on him. How long he searched for the cacao for the fucking protein powder? It took him like a year to find the perfect fucking cocoa, whatever the fuck is. C-O-C-O-A. I don't know how to spell. I got left back in the seventh grade. But anyway, with all that said, go to honor.com right now. If you like the vitamins, if you like what you read, and the check out, press in.

Church. And get 10% off delivered right to your fucking house. No drama, no nothing, okay? That's how Onet works. So go to Onet and give them a look over. I can't do nothing for you. The weights and the bath and the kettlebells. I can help you with the supple.

So go to Onet.com right now and press in church. And get 10% off delivered right to your motherfucking house. I want to thank Audit. I want to thank Quip Electric toothbrushes. And I also want to thank Manscape is sponsoring us and the love they give us. And we give you the same love too. Don't forget, tickets still left from Milwaukee, the Papps, motherfucker, to go to Paps.com right now or Wikipedia.

And they'll tell you what the site is. I have no fucking idea. I got enough on my fucking hands. I love you, motherfuckers. I want to thank Calendo. I want to thank the Mayor Auschwitz. But again, I want to thank you guys for being a loyal fan base.

And we're not even fans. We're fucking family, bitch. Have a great weekend. We'll see you Monday morning. Nice and motherfucking early. Kick this mulee. Babe. Burn down these inside my head.

Lay down. Tell me no lie. Just hold me close. Don't patronize Don't patronize