The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #677 - Tom Papa

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

Tom Papa, a stand up comedian seen on Netflix, Comedy Central and the host of the "Come to Papa" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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Tom Papa, the Christ killer, and your uncle Joe. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. When black people were black people, there was no Jesse Smolets when this song came out, motherfuckers. This is jungle boogie. You know what I'm saying? Fucking people up. Jungle boogie. Damn it, dare it.

This song, like, it kills me about this song, Tom Papa. So great. It came out with Pulp Fiction. Yeah. And all those little faggy kids started jumping up and down, thinking they heard it for the first time. This song came out when I was in the sixth grade. Really?

I still remember going to, like, dance, you know, schools at your dance. Uh-huh. And, like, dancing to this and losing your mind with high heels and bell bottoms and shit. Yeah, you're a little men of shoes. Yeah. Trying to get a chain. I wore, like, one chain with Mary on it. the mother Mary.

There you go. I thought it was cool. I was always like trying to get the chain like lined up just inside the collar so it looked cool. So the girls would see it. It's so goofy. Now you're from Jersey, which is. Yes, sir. No city at all?

Jersey born and bred. Jersey born and bred. Born and Passaic. Okay. At St. Mary's Hospital. Know it well. And then move to Park Ridge, Park Ridge. Very beautiful.

Then I moved right next door to. to Wilcliffe Lake and that was it. Your parents work in the city? My father did. My father worked in the city for a while. Yeah. The train or the bus? I think he drove.

Did he? Oh yeah. Back then you would drive. But he didn't do it the whole way. Then he started working in North Jersey after that. Like it kind of shifted. He was in sales. He sold like early like communication stuff.

And then he was always like commuting around there. He had one commute where he got a job. in Hop-Hog, New York, which is out like the ass and the Long Island. It's all the way. From Jersey all the way to Long Island. And he did that for like a year. And that was brutal. I remember they tried to call me a couple years ago.

We got a great gig for you. Long Island on Friday night, 8 o'clock, go, go fuck your mother. In July? You know what that LII, whatever the fuck? L.I.E. On a fucking Friday. And everybody goes, you know, it's like the Jersey Shore now. Like, you leave the kids.

Yeah. You leave the night before. Right. Like you leave that when you leave that. The bar's closed. Yeah. Two, you went straight down the show fucking lit. Didn't stop for tolls.

You had the fucking passenger throwing quarters. Quarters of the basket of the Guard in St. Parkway. If it's not the fucking, you just went through. Yeah, no cameras. Nobody's stopping you. No, nothing. But you cruise the whole way.

We cruised the whole way. I hear now it's bumper to bumper. I remember how to talk Sebastian out of it. Like I actually had to talk. Sebastian was doing Vinny's Funhouse down the Jersey Shore. He's like, yeah, me and my wife were standing in the city. I go, are you fucking crazy? I go, there's a hotel down there.

I go, yeah, I went last time, but there was sand everywhere. I go, listen, on Fridays and Saturdays, you ain't driving back and forth. No. That's a two-three. Saturday late wouldn't be too bad because it's all the renters come in Saturday morning. So Friday night and Saturday morning are brutal. And then once that's over, then you can kind of do it. But we were Long Beach Island.

My family had a place there forever. How beautiful. That was white people. Oh, my God. We were kids, everywhere else were savages. LBI was white people. I dated a little chubby girl from LBI for a while. I stuck it out with that little chubby girl.

Because the house was... They had a badge. It was so nice. You went on the beach. You had 20 feet. Mellow. And then they had a fence between seaside and you. And you can see the water that turned yellow.

Immediately in seaside with that guido juice. And that fucking... Boardwalk. There was no boardwalk. There was like very low liquor sales. How is it now? It's the same. It's exactly the same.

It took a real hit. during Sandy, during Hurricane Sandy, the ocean met the bay. And I remember I was in New York with my power off in the village living there during Sandy and we had no power, but I was able to like generator it and went online and saw a picture from a helicopter of Long Beach Island, which is where I'd been going since I was, you know, four years old. And Joey, I didn't think it would ever come back. It looked like this is just gone. It was just water and like the tops of homes and the water towers, stuff like that. And you, I really thought, well, that's it.

But then, you know, it's subsided and now it's okay. It's, you know, they have to really build up the beach and do all this other stuff. But it's just the same as it always was. When I was a kid, it was LBI. And then there was one a little deeper that was, that's where class went. Right. That's where people would class went. Yeah, well, there's like Avalon and, no, Cape May.

Cape May, you know, something down there's when nice people went. Nobody yelled on the streets. Yeah. There was no fucking, you know. You had to drive south,

though. That was the thing. The further you drove from the city, the nicer God. Because, you know, it was, you know, you're drinking in the city,

just go to whatever beach is close. But if you want to take your family, you had to put like two and a half hour drive in, and then it started to like kind of calm down. But there's the one, what's the one? that doesn't sell alcohol between

Atlantic City and I remember yeah yeah I remember which I don't remember the name of it there was a place Space under the name but yeah there's a lot of towns

of the smart they go we don't want that corruption that's the thing in our fucking town in the summer yeah right exactly I remember being a kid and going I wouldn't even noticing then going

yeah because we'd be parking on side streets in front of people's houses walking two blocks with a case of beer yelling with fliplops and you're like who the fuck time yeah

and I would be parking would feel bad. I was always a gentleman there. Yeah. I never started palms or people. They said, look, but you're loud. You don't even realize it when you're a kid. When you're a kid, it's, and I started, like, I did the whole shore thing. Yeah. Like, I started with like the, first you go to the shore that's by, uh,

not Asbury Heights. Yes. There's a. Esbury Park. Yeah, there's, uh, the beach next to it, no bueno. The first time I went down there. Where did you, where were you living? I was living in Hudson County in a town called Northberg, and that's North Bergen, yeah. Next to Union City and Hoboken, right?

Yeah, yeah. Water. I'm what they call a real deal tunnel wreck. Yeah, that is. That's my fucking life. Yeah. But the shore, like, we live in California. Right.

And I don't go to there. I don't go down there. I don't go down there once a year with the baby. To the beach. And we go to Orange County and get a hotel. Don't you miss it? Like, I mean, it's in it weird? We're in California and we're not at the beach.

Like, you lived in New Jersey, and you're at the beach all the time. Isn't it strange? I you know California is very deceiving because when you grow up on the East Coast it's all use all they they don't show you Glendale they never show you Burbank they never show you the valley they always show you uh San Monica no not even they always show you Redondo Beach yeah that's immaculate and you're like I can't wait to move to California they don't show you long beach no you know people on bicycles and gang bangers and shit at each other yeah They don't show you none.

No, you're right. They show you the beach. Yeah. So I've been coming here since I was eight, nine, ten. Why? Because my uncle's here. My mother's brother had a bar here. He came from Cuba, went to New York City, didn't like it.

He came here. He came here as a maintenance man for an actor. He had a TV show. He told me the guy's name. He's a popular guy. He met him in New York. He lived in the building. The guy took a liking from him and said,

if you want to live in the guest house, I got a TV show. So the TV show lasted at one season. and it got canceled, and my uncle said, well, I'm going to go back to New York. Right. So he met a chick, you open the bar, but I still remember coming out of the first time.

Oh, wow. Like, I was very disappointed. Even as an eight-year-old. Sea World was great. Yeah. Disneyland was kicking, and the Dodger game was on fire. But he lived in Glendale.

It looked like Jersey to me. Yeah. It looks like, well, in Jersey, parts of Brooklyn. Yeah, like not the good parts. You know, you go on Lancashim and Burbank Boulevard. Yeah. They haven't done construction there since 1950.

Bob Hope, Bruce Lee walked those three. That rancashim looks like fucking death. The more north you go, you're like, what the fuck of these people have been doing on for 35,000 years? This looks like a fucking die. And it's all concrete and the light is so harsh. Harsh. I can't tell if my sunglasses are on or off.

It's so bright and just, you know, like tire shops and I know. Everything just looks dirty to me. What it is? It's dirty. It looks like sandy. It just looks like there's a big dust storm or something. And you're like immediately think like, where are the rich people? And you're like, oh, they're in.

Beverly Hills, they're in Malibu, they're in, you know, Laguna. You're like, oh, that's the nice beach, and that's where we're not going. I take my girls to Huntington Beach. There's a whole town that there's a bridge to the fucking beach. They give you free towels, free umbrets, all included. It's your own little private beach, and it's all for kids. That's great. At night, the kids have a movie, they cook hot dogs, s'mores. Yeah, yeah, they do that. They give marshmallows with sticks and shit. It's three days of paradise. And they got two dairy queens. Not one, but two fucking dairy queens.

We were there on New Year's Eve. Me and my wife and my wife were like, what are they going to do New Year's? It's the best because there's not a lot of dairy queens out here. No, there's not. It's such a disappointment. When I, in Montfail, there was a dairy queen that our football coach owned. Oh. And it was a drive-up.

It was like the only thing. It wasn't a strip mall. It was just a dairy queen in a park. in a parking lot and you just pull up and there'd be cute girls and your friends and you just get a slurpy, I mean a blizzard and hang out on your car. Oh, it was a dream.

And then we came out here, no dairy queens. It's very hard to find. Oh, a nice purple blizzard, but a vanilla ice cream float in that motherfucker in the summer. I like the butterfinger. You drink all the grape juice and you mix the ice cream with the ice like a Puerto Rico. A nice long spoon.

Oh, my God, nice long spoon. People can't imagine. I was a Gabon, you know, growing up. Look at me, I'm a fucking Gavone. I would go in there, medium hot fudge and a fucking grape thing with a float. And there's in a...

The best. Wait, like grape soda? It's great. No, it's just the slush. Oh, it's the thing that... The slush. What's it? Mr. Misty.

They don't have them no more. Mr. Misty. Oh. Rita's, they have it, right? It was caught. Yeah, but not the Mr. Misty. They're right. And they put a blob of the ice cream on it.

A blob of the purple. Oh, my God. The grape drink. I like the green. I was a purple motherfucker Green all the way But then I'm a Carvel guy Are you?

I'm a big time And the Carvel Better than Dairy Queen? Yeah, I'm a big time Very well to New York City When it comes to Carverbeye I still get the cake on my birthday Because there's some of those out here

In my house There's a Carvel cake every birthday My wife, me and the baby We get Carvel cakes Everything else's background music Which cookie? Which cookie pus? No, we get a little circle one With the vanilla with the chocolate

You make your wife get it too? Yeah, nobody's got a choice. It's tradition. It's a Cuban tradition. You gotta go with fucking Tom Carvel. Oh, you ain't shit. The best. Dog in there, I would get a double cone.

Vanilla chocolate with colored sprinkles and whipped cream, and I'd get a chocolate shake thin. Oh, my God. Sipping the shake. And then like a gavone, I would dip the ice cream into the shake. How high are you? It's living. How high are you?

In 1990. In 1983, I drank a Carvel milkshake every day. Every day. Every day on the way home from Fort Lee to Cliffside. I'd stop at night. Eddie Murphy owned by Englewood Cliffs. Englewood. No, Clipside Park border with Fort Lee.

There was a detail shop. There was a detail shop. And that was Eddie Murphy's one brother because they were living in Englewood Clips. And around the corner was a Carvel. And I was an open mica. In 93. When did you start? 91.

In 91. In Denver, though. Oh, in Denver? Denver. How'd that happen? I was living in Boulder. Yeah. And then I went back to New York.

That makes no sense. No. That makes no sense. Yeah. Then I went back to New York to see what the real scene was. Right. Because I started 93. So I just missed you.

Yeah. I used to do the New York Comedy Club with Mikey Buschetti. That was my first spot in New York Comedy. See what I'm saying? Yeah. We missed each other somewhere. Just, yeah.

What made you start? You went to college. I went to college. What kind of degree? Communications. No. No, nothing. Yeah.

Okay, you did all that. I didn't. My degree wasn't in theater, but I went to the school. I was an athlete my whole life. And I specifically went to Rider College in New Jersey because it didn't have football. So my father was like, maybe you'll play Division III and keep going. And I was like, I'm done. I've been playing football since I was kindergarten.

And there's 12 years later, I've done it. I'm done. How do you feel? How do I feel? Do you believe they're doing all this shit with football numbers? I feel fine. I grew up with a bunch of, like I watched that on HBO sports. The numbers are down and they're trying to even get girls to play football now.

It'll be punters and field goal kickers because the numbers are so down in football. Yeah, I know. Well, everybody's so scared of the head trauma and all this. But I, you know, I took a lot of hits to the head. But it depends where you're like, you know, I was in suburbia. It was, you know, a lot of white kids, not many of those monsters. Yeah, Pascakekeke Hills. That's group four.

Yeah, it was a good school. And you play fucking towards the end, you play Brick, Storange, Passaic. Yeah, well, when Passaic came to play us in like a scrimmage and stuff, it was like, all right, if I'm getting hit by that guy, that was like Hayward, Ironhead, Hayward. Yeah, I play one. Yeah, he played. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that guy was like a man playing among boys. There was a kid in Brick called Pete Panuska.

Pete Pannasca had a head didn't even fit in the helmet. He was killing people. Yeah. Like if you got hit by guys like that, I could see it being a problem. But when you're just bouncing around other kids from Bergen County, you're probably not going to be in danger. And I took some hits. I remember like, you know, wasabi behind the eyes kind of like poof. But it was fine.

I think it's fine. My father, though, who played all the time. Did he really play? He was like a big time in Clifton, New Jersey. And he was like state. championship like this is when high school football like the entire town was out with their hat their fedoras and there's trench coats watching kids play football thousands of people watching these kids play football and he was like the star and he did it and loved it and he was like a you know he's still

known in jersey what's his day tom papa really he didn't want my nephews to play because his shoulders messed up and his knees messed up and it's just and he's just and he He can't lift his arm. And it was just like he talked to my nephew. I mean, this was his life. And he even coached me in high school. He came into the program to be a part of it. And he was like, and then the Ake started settling in.

And he's like, I don't know if you should play football. You know, it's weird because I did it after I watched that HBO sport thing about a month ago. I was on right after the Super Bowl, right around the time of the Super Bowl. I did an inventory of the kids that were number one, just to let you know. And we can look this up right now. In 1978, my high school got ranked number one on the East Coast. Wow. We played Snyder.

Seven to six, we beat Snyder. And they had Walker Lee, Ashley, who went on to the Minnesota Vikings, and who won against the Raiders on a Monday night football interception. He was a linebacker. Wow. So our, what was school are you? North Bergen High. When I was a freshman, you know, those kids had played together since they were five.

Like those kids. plays they taught you in peewee football only got built up. So by the time you got to high school, you knew this guy. You knew this guy. All those kids I hang out with will always go remember. I was living in New York at the time. Wow. So I didn't play none of that peewee football shit.

I played in Union City. They had a semi-pro no-weight league. And I did that for two years when I was in Catholic school. I would do that. The games were Saturday. and they would let me practice. Like rec. They told me I didn't need to practice and I did that.

And it was okay. By the time I got to high school, I was a basketball player. I was a basketball player. So no football? No, I went my freshman year. They wanted me to play freshman year. I showed up. I did the scrimmage against Dickinson where Blondie went to.

Right. And a fight broke out. And I was so, you know, I had dedicated my life to basketball. Yeah, yeah. Five-star basketball. Wow. Booze down in Vineland. What position?

I was a forward. Forward. I was a forward. And then my freshman, yeah, I didn't start. It cracked me and turned to drugs. My mother died. That was the end of basketball. But I could still, the last night I was watching the answer to the A.

Oh, yeah. And I tweeted something. And some kick, it was like you in 79th Street taking it to the hoop. I was a really good basketball player. It was just so wild. The coach didn't like me. It just didn't like me. Oh, really?

But he cracked me. For years, I thought about going back and shooting him. Like, for years. I was like, I got to shoot this guy because he fucked me up, you know? Yeah, yeah. Now, it has impact. So when I was done with it, I was like, Ryder College had no football.

They got kicked out of the league for something. And I was like, I'm going here because they had theater. And I always wanted to be a comedian since I was a kid, but my parents wanted me to get a degree. So I'm in school going for this communications degree, but I immediately did the theater department and started auditioning and taking classes. and I got in the plays and that was it.

All my time was spent acting in the theater. And I got the degree and got through it. But that's when I realized this is my life. My life is not even hanging with friends as much as I'm, there would be parties and stuff, spring break. No. Acting, acting, acting theater, hanging out there. Just living, you know, because you know,

to live this life, you can't live the life everyone else, lives. You're not going to be partying on the weekends. You're going to be performing on the weekends. You're not going to be watching the big game on a Thursday night because you'll be in a club. You have to have that mindset that you don't belong, you don't go to the rhythm of the rest of the world. And that's when I was going to theater in college, that's when that shift happened. I remember standing in a Wawa in Lawrenceville, New Jersey on a Friday night when all my friends were having this rager party. And I just came from the, from, from, my show and I'm getting a turkey sandwich at the Wawa and thinking, I'm so much happier doing

this than partying with those guys at the party. And that's when I knew, okay, I'm built for this. I can go do this. You were acting. At that age, I dreamt of acting. I didn't know about acting classes. I thought you would bartender in the city. Right.

And then some director would come in and go, hey. Which happened a lot when we were kids. Bruce Willis and there was somebody else. Yeah. Mickey Roark. Mickey Roark, a bunch of people. So I thought that was the way in. And I got a job in Manhattan.

Nobody ever fucking talked to me about acting. Dan Ayahoe, right? He was the dormant. I worked at the Sheridan Center for 18 months. Well, nobody ever fucking talked to me about. Van Halen stayed there. I love the idea of you just sitting in thinking, I'm an actor now.

You really don't know. You really don't know until you bump into somebody who schools and says, well, take an acting class. Then when I was in Colorado, know right before I got put away my roommate had a friend that was a camera guy right and I would nag him yeah like talk to your buddy dog yeah we need to do to get in the movies yeah I just done a big movie 87 or something wow and I'm like what do we have to do to get in the movie so I thought it was just yeah he picked you isn't funny though like these like my little

journey and your little journey and then we ended up in a movie together right two's two oh two yeah it's one of the worst movies of all time analyze that God bless So how great was he to work with? Oh. How just being there. I know. I'm not even talking about De Niro. No, Ramis.

No, Ramis. Yeah, Harold Ramis. He set me straight. Yeah? He set me straight. Really? Yeah, I tried to pick his brain a little bit. Very open.

Because I had a reference. He was dear friends with a friend of mine in Chicago. So my friend took me to a restaurant one night. On Monday night, it was called Hold the Wall. On the north side of Chicago was a little place. and Reamus went there. So when he goes, come Monday,

I went, do the riddles, and then take a fucking cab. Again, I'm like, I'm making $500 a week. Yeah. You know, now I've got to take a cab to the North Shore, 90. Yeah.

You know, I'm like, what the fuck? You don't have the money. But there you go, you're right. I went up there, sat down. Yeah. Sure enough, he came in, and he goes, oh, you have a nice look, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So when I went in for a movie for George, Jan Walken's partner out here. Uh-huh. I went in for the, uh, the one about the guy from the gong show. That was the CIA. Oh, yeah. That's good.

Yeah, yeah. 98, 99. Caneer. Yes. And she said to me, you're not good for this one, but you're good for my next movie. Ah. And she goes, and I may believe him. Like, what's your next movie?

She goes, analyze that. It's the script. They're working on it now. What I want you to do is send me everything you got. All the real. I had stand up. from the Laugh Factory with no sound. You know, I had like short films,

and then I got this film called the Mezzo Brothers. The reason, one of the reasons big pussy quit the Supriano, well, he got kind of fired and left was because he took a deal from ABC. In 2002. I'm sorry, can I interrupt you for a second? You know, it's so funny about that, I was like, no, they killed him

and pushed him off the boat. Like, in my mind, that show was so good. It's that good. that I didn't even think of show business. Of course, something happened with his contract and he got fired or whatever. Whenever you would ask for money or raise, they'd launch it.

Two episodes later, you got launched. Everybody put it together, like, by the third episode that I don't want to work for 10 points in scale. And they go, okay, no worries. You're dead. We'll look at it after this season. In episode six, remember they said that they wouldn't give you the script until the day of the table read.

And then you find out, fuck, I was about to get a race. Ah, we figured, you're character. It's so funny. As soon as you said that, I'm like, what do you mean? No, they killed him and he pushed him up a boat. I'm like, I really believe, and I also believe that they're still there in New Jersey. I'm sorry. He blew the fuck up.

Yeah. Oh, right. You have no idea how big pussy was. Like, just the name. People flipped out. Yeah. So he asked for more money. They fucked them, something.

I don't know what really went down. I'm just telling you what I heard. Right. And at the time. At the time, ABC had bought a show called the Mezos or some shit. Fox. Called a show called The Mezos, about two gay gangsters in Hollywood. They worked out of that pink pussycat theater.

They drove a Cadillac and shit with a convertible Cadillac, and they would drive around to Rita Franklin. We're going driving on the freeway of love. Fucking hilarious. So I guess they signed it, blah, blah. The deal didn't really get developed. They weren't ready for the gay angle of two mobses of the gay. we'll flip the fucking, we'll flip it.

Right. And ABC and Fox said, forget it. But the guy still kept the rights, and he made a short film. And I booked a short film, and then she gave it, I gave it to George Ann Walker. Then she sent it to whatever in New York. And next year you know, I got a call. There's a ticket wait for you called New York and read for Harold Ramis. And me like that asked her, I walked in.

Hey, remember that night? Oh, yeah. You know. That's great. Whatever you could in those days. That's great. 2001, 2000. Yeah, that was my first one ever.

Really? First one ever. How did you book it? I booked it. I went for an audition and got through the first audition and got a callback. And you go into the callback in Midtown Manhattan. And this is my first callback of a film ever, you know? And I get there and the kid comes out and he says, okay, so you're going to read with, you're next.

You're going to read with Bobby. and you just do the first scene. We're just doing the first scene today. I said, oh, okay, great. I figure Bobby's like, you know, the intern, the kid working the camera. And I walk in, and there's Harold Ramis, and Robert De Niro, Bobby. I'm like, oh, boy, okay, here we go. And I start reading it, and I'm in awe.

I'm going to be acting. No, if this never gets to the movies, I'm acting with Robert De Niro. and I'm in awe and I start doing it and this son of a bitch starts losing his place on the on the lines and stops in the middle of the scene and he's mumbling and he's like I don't know where the next way what page are we are now

I'm like in it I'm like trying to win this thing this diamond looks yellow I went from yellow that was the line what the fuck yellow and he caught himself because what the fuck he caught himself the Chinese chick was banging Yeah. Oh, she was out of the fuck, Jack. I'm like, look at Tom Papa.

Yeah. So I went for wow. This is amazing Robert De Niro to fuck Robert De Niro's killing me. Oh, but then I booked it. I booked it. There was another kid who was reading for it too, who I knew from television. Like, I'd seen him in stuff. And I was like, oh, so he's going to get it.

I guess that's how it's going to go. And then I got it. I just couldn't believe it. And I just got that one scene with De Niro all day long. It was just, it was amazing. Very cool. He's very good. cool, but Ramos, but Ramos.

Then Ramos called me like five years later, out of the blue. I'm living out here now. And he calls me and says, I have a great idea for a TV show and I want you to be the host. I'm like, all right, whatever it is, you're Harold Ramos, whatever it is. He said, this is when Pimp My Ride was on MTV. He goes, you know, I've seen that show. I want to do a show called Pimp My Wife, where you know, You take a couple and the wife isn't as appreciated anymore and you dollar up and you put her in a bar and you makes the husband watch on camera how attractive she is to other men.

And you see the other men trying to pick her up and stuff and it rekindles, makes him realize what a valuable, beautiful woman he's married to and reboots the whole thing. And I was like, yeah, that sounds pretty good, I guess, I'll do it. And I never heard from him again. It never happened. At that time, I was a little confused about stand-up. Yeah. I was really like, I was a regular at the store. The improv would give me spots once in a while.

I didn't go to Montreal. Like, I was like the black fucking horse. Yeah. And we sat there because I shot, you shot in the city? Yeah. I shot in Carney. Oh, really? I shot right where they were shooting the old soprano.

Yeah. We shot up the corner. Oh, nice. And it was really interesting because they were running two cameras at once. They were doing the B scene. which was the barbecue. Uh-huh. And the A camera was me and Anthony Lumpagli in the beginning.

Oh. And then Anthony would have to fucking, we'd take like an hour break. And Anthony would have to go change into barbecue attire and go over there. And I would sit in the front of this bar. This bar was great. Yeah. This bar was great. Yeah.

It was, you know who hung up at this bar? Nuns. Oh, really? Nuds. When we went there that day at lunchtime, a bunch of nuns showed up. Like, what the fuck? How can this place be closed? Yon is like, I'm sorry, sister.

Go down the blog. You have a little drink on me down the corner. New Jersey really is a different. It's a fucking different. Oh, it really is. And I wish I was lying here. Nud's, war nuns came to lunch. I know, but you know what's so funny of growing up there?

Like, he says that, it makes perfect sense to me. You're like, I know that ball. Yeah, like, yeah, of course, of course. Hilarious. Yeah, hilarious. But it was funny because the wind had gotten out that the Niro was in the neighborhood. Oh, yeah. So in between one of those takes, the sun was shining.

I mean, they're like, Joey, get out of the sun, blah. I go to my little fucking trailer. They took me shopping. They took me shopping. Like, the dad went toward them. They're like, he's too big. We don't have nothing for you. Let's go shopping.

They took a fucking car. My shirt was 1,800. The leather jacket was four. Oh, my God. The pants were deuce. The shoes were four. And I'm thinking of robbing this shirt. But they had already the reputation on me.

Every time I went in that fucking trailer, that AD, where's that shirt? It was like a two-gris. Grand silk shirt. They were watching me. But this is when I found, I never met De Niro, didn't know him. I went into my trail. And I sat in the stairs, you know, just to get there. I took my shirt off and had like the Guido look.

And I'm just sitting there fat and fuck. And I'm looking. They said, that's De Niro's trailer. You could tell, you know, it was a huge fucking train. It's quite the size of everybody else. Across the street had to be 3,000 people. Wow. Little fence.

Yeah. The wooden fence that they roll. It's like the Today Show morning show. Yes. They show up and cops and they were all out there, Bobby, whatever the fuck they would say. Yeah. I don't think De Niro heard him, but I saw De Niro. The door walked out.

Some guy walked out. Then De Niro had that suit on. Yeah. And then she walked down the stairs. They're like, people started clapping. He looked at them and he fucking slammed the door and he pulled himself back into the thing. Really? And then when I went back, they said that he asked to turn the trailer around.

Because he has, like, social issues. Like, he has. That's why he was stuttering. when you were in the room. Wow. He's a, do you ever see him inside the actor's studio?

No. One of the worst episodes you'll ever see on TV. He's a horrible interview. Horrible. That's why he doesn't. Right. Do it.

Yeah. Because he's not, on inside the actor's studio. You know, like when the guy would say, tell me what you said to yourself before you walked into the audition. And he would go, you know already. What are you asking me for?

Like, he just kept, inside the paper, what are you asking? It was horrible. Someone, I think Conan or someone like their first show, they got Robert Teniro. It was like the biggest thing. And it was the same thing. Horrible. He doesn't like it.

He has social issues. Yeah. He doesn't really like to, you know, talk. He's such a big star. I mean, you know, especially growing up where we grew up, the way we grew up. Oh, my God. Come on. And then I ran into him like four years ago, like at a party.

And I was starstruck. I was so starstruck. by seeing him that I forgot we had done a movie together. That's how out of my head I was at the moment I saw him. He's a very tricky guy because when I shot Grudge Match, I went down there the day early. And this is what I noticed. So don't feel bad.

You ready for this story? I get there. I go to my room. I roll a join. I go for a walk. And I ask one of guys, where's the set? He goes, today they're shooting two blocks away. Just stay on this street and walk down.

So I walked out. It was the gym. It was the gym in Louisiana. So I walked in the gym, like everybody shook my hand. Great to have you. We're going to shoot the scene with Al-Hul-Kul-J and De Niro. Nice. Now, De Niro comes in, Hello, Cool.

I don't say nothing. I'm sitting 60 yards away. I'm watching. Yeah. Slams L-L-Cool-Jay's hand. They hug, fist bump. They talk a little bit. They giggle.

And then they set up, they did the blocking. And, you know, the blocking was phenomenal. Right. De Niro was like, what the fuck you mean? You're not going to help me. And L.L. Kool-Jays, like, I'm telling you, man. I'm watching that hand.

I remember this. But then when they put the cameras in And they said action The first three takes Elo Kudja is like I'm like shit Cut Ella what's happened

Nothing man I just can't get my words again I'm like what the fuck Is up with El L Kudja Yeah Then he picked it up And then they kept doing it And he finally got out of it The next day was my turn to shoot with it

The next day had one scene with him When he walks in and says you're my training It looks like you ate my trainer That line Yeah Now he came in, Joe, yeah. How you doing, Mr. Delero? Call me Bobby.

Nice to meet you, sir. Here's my trainer. I ain't doing nice to meet you. I don't say nothing. I don't say nothing. I don't say nothing. I loved you in this. I shut my fucking mouth.

Don't say nothing. You know by his butt. Don't start with that Guido shit. I saw a kid grabbing by the neck. You know, like some Italian kid. Bobby. The fucking security. You get your fucking handle of Bobby.

So, every Italian thinks they know. Right, exactly. It's like your uncle. So, fucking. Sure enough, we're talking. He's like, you're really a comedian? Yeah, he goes, I like this. I mean, he was great.

Yeah. And then they go, Joey, you ready? Sit down. Take the paper. And I'm like, I got this. Yeah. And I went backwards, and he walked in. And the first time I looked at him,

cut! Joey, what happened? Nothing. Nothing. I just got overwhelmed there for a second. You see the guy from Goodfellies. Yeah, that's right. You see the devil from Angel Heart.

You see mean streets. All the faces that he's been and Godfather. And you just choke. Right. If you want me to tell you, I just joke. I choked the first three times. I was like, and then the second day, he came up and he was like, this play light.

That was the day when I got man boobs. Yeah. And that day was great. And then there was another scene the next day where he had to call me a fat fuck. And he came over to me. He goes, I'm going to say, fat fuck. There's that body. If it bothers you, I won't say that.

I go, you're Robert De Niro. You put it in my ass right now. I will not complain. You understand me? At least I got the fucking power that De Niro fuck me in the ass. But that's the thing about it. Yeah. He is powerful.

I mean, there's so much history. So you saw him at a party and you forgot. I had no problem acting with him. Acting with him, I was fine. It was in a big deal. He had a woman, like, as soon as they'd say cut, his hair and makeup lady was on him and like trimming him up and doing his name. I mean, everything.

And after every, every, every. break, cut, back, prepping him. And I'm just standing there like an idiot. And I'm like, I start making jokes. I'm like, how's my hair? How about my hair? Anyone want to take care of my hair? And he's like, this guy with his hair. This guy really loves his hair.

And we had like a good time. It was totally cool. I'm at a party. It's a New Year's Tea party. He walks in. Everyone's all flabbergasted. I'm flabbergasted. I'm like, that, that, that, that.

I'm like, I wish I had something to say to him, like to break the ice. I get home that night. I'm like, wait. I was in a movie with him. I totally spaced out. It's, uh, yeah, it's powerful. I've never seen Pacino. Like, I've never seen another.

Nobody else made me. I worked at a lot. James Coburn made me stutter. Oh, yeah. That motherfucker could make you stutter just by it. Like, I walked in there. I was overwhelmed by tears. Yeah.

Like, every time I look at him, I had tears in my eyes. I thought about Bruce Lee and carrying the casket. I got to tell you, there was a, what a cool thing, though. I mean, what a cool thing, right? To be like bumming around New Jersey and North Bergen and sitting at the shore and then like to just have done one scene with these guys, let alone multiple stuff. I mean, that's pretty special. You leave that so crazy going, what the fuck just happened? Yeah, you don't make a big deal about it.

You just hold it someplace close to your heart. And anytime a bad thought comes up, you replace that. Hey, all right, so I came in a minute, but I'm going to move with Robert De Niro. That's right. I came in 30 seconds. You did a movie that you were for now. I've never you know we bump into each other at the store we never got a chance to talk about it I want to talk about it today because he's always been one of my favorite people and I'm going to

give you a breakdown that fucking behind the candelabra you did yeah the Liberacee that is one of the best movies I did a bit about it on my CD I love that it's a great you know comedians love that movie I fucking adored that yeah I mean everybody was solid so great let me tell you so when I was a kid yeah I was tired with a gay guy that was a seamstress in a play in the city right he would always tell me about he would always get invited to bands and all this shit but he was a big time gay guy he was friends of my mother and he sold coke right he pulled the gun one day on one of my friends and I found love with him when you pulled the gun even if you're gay I still love you you know you're a bad motherfucker so he became friends and I remember being a kid and

then telling me about out and john right and the Cubans call fags like like really out there fags, loca. Loca. Loca. Loca. Like, if they're just regular gay, they're marikones. Right. But if they're out there, like they'll suck 18 dicks with feathers on and you can throw

mud at them and shit, they're lokas, right? So I go, did you meet out in John? Yeah. You know, and he goes, loco no see, I met him. Tremenda loka. You know, like, he's like, Tremenda loka. Oh my God. But he goes, not as loka as Liberace.

At that time, Liberace must have done something in Cuba. Right. Liberace was there. What Madonna is to gay people today. Right. Liberace, like everybody knew Liberaji was gay, but he was married. Yeah. Mainstream America didn't know.

He's the first guy. My mother was the first person who told me Rock Hudson was gay. My mother died in 79. Right. And she used to tell me when she was a little girl in Cuba, Rock Hudson wasn't allowed to fuck men in the States. So he had to go to Cuba. So with Marlon Brando, that was their thing.

And she would go down to a hotel. Yeah, Brando, too. We were just talking about it yesterday. And there's an article. that came, because Brando sucked Pryor's dick, and Brando fucked the guy in Godfather, too, with the big dick in Cuba. What's his name?

When they go see him and the guy's comes out, or the guy's name is the monster, what was it? Superman. Yeah. Superman of Cuba. And they said, there's an article. There's a huge article about his biggest fan was Marlon Brando would come in with two show girls and leave with him.

The guy had an 18-inch dick dead dry. He was a lone-moor guy in the day. daytime and he just fucked women at the Chinese theater at night in Cuba. You're saying so many things that are baffling me. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Hilarious. So whenever I combed my hair weird, my mother would go, what are you, Rock Hudson?

And I'd say, what the fuck are you talking about? So one night I asked him, what do you have against Rock Hudson? He's a fat. No, he's not. No, he's not. And she's telling me, and I'm like arguing with him. Like, I reminded me elite. Like, I got so bad.

How can you say that? How can you say that? Where do you get balls? Your balls? Where do you get balls to say Rock Hudson's gay? She's like, all right? Believe what you want to believe. She died 79, dog.

He came out in 85. Yeah, it was a big deal. I'm sorry, Ma. You were telling me the truth. So this Martin, Marikong guy, was telling me about that nobody does what Liberace does. Yeah. He told me that Liberace came to New York,

and he was just fucking and dumping. Like, just fucking and dumping. What does that mean? Like just picking kids. Just going out. Just going out. One and done. One and done.

Out. And they give you a check on the way out. his 500 is a gold ring for your fucking asshole. Yeah. He lived his own way that Liberace. Liberace. Yeah. What was so crazy is his biggest audience was housewives.

Like they, he had a TV show and he'd play his piano and it was just, and he would be talking to these housewives through the camera and they loved him and adored him and had no idea that he was, especially at the time, was living this affluent gay lifestyle. They had no, that wouldn't even have crossed their mom. Wow. Yeah. If you really think about it, Michael Douglas hit it out of the park on that. Oh, him and Matt. Matt hit it? Come on. Out of the fucking park. So great. I mean, Michael Douglas has done some great movies. Yeah. Before that, you know what? My favorite movie Michael Douglas is that nobody knows about a film called Star Chamber. I don't know. In 1984, him and how, him and how. Holbrook? Holbrook. Oh, really? They were judges. Oh, yeah.

Nobody remembers that movie. If you haven't seen Star Chamber, look it up, guys. It's a 1983 movie about judges that if you beat them in court, they send the hitman to come get you. So if you, like, let's say you come in and go, Tom Papa was arrested with 10 kilos of Coke.

There's attorney who comes in and goes, yeah, but the warrant specified a brown house, the house is actually green, dropped the charges. They would have a council that night, and next thing, you know, in your room party and some guy comes and shoot you with a fucking guy.

That's a good movie. Oh, but they weaved it with a story about... Very few bad movies in Michael Douglas. Yeah. No, they weaved it with a story about a kidnapping of two kids in a van. So it was very well done. Oh, cool. And then he tries to get out. Michael Douglas tries to get out. But

beside that, I mean, and inside, when he takes his fucking hair off, the voice, you know, they really they knew it was a great story. and they respected the story and the characters and just gave it their all. And these guys are just brilliant actors.

Now, was that a book? It was a book first, yeah. No, actually, I don't think it was a book. Where'd they get this information from? Because the ball's to do it. It was the guy Matt's character, I think. I think it was Matt's character. Yeah.

And I think a couple other people wrote something. But that was the 70s when people wouldn't listen to you. The studios didn't give a fuck. Now. And he had his own problems. But it was just such a cool thing. He really died of HIV, correct? Yeah.

He was one of the first ones. Yeah. They called it a watermelon complications from a watermelon diet because nobody was talking about AIDS at the time. But then they dug them up in the book or something and they did an autopsy and they revealed. Yeah, I think they knew it. I think they just tried to, through publicity say that. But, yeah, it was, you know, Sotomberg is a genius to begin with. and that he put me in what is one of his favorite movies.

I mean, it's one of his favorites, and that I'm in it at all is just was... Where did you shoot that? Great. Here. Shot it here. Shot it in like Beverly Hills. Shot it in Palm Springs.

Shot it downtown. Some jazz club. Yeah, all around here. It was great. You still got acting class? Huh? You still go to acting class? No.

Do you want them? Are you interested? Me neither. You know, I think a big part of the game is just to be yourself and be confident and I think we've got that at this point. You know, I'm just not

I just don't go audition for a lot of stuff. Not anymore. They come and no, nothing. I try to tell but I know actors that are ready to shoot themselves. You know, it's hard. I love acting. I wish I was in more movies. I wish I was doing more of it. But I'm not great at auditioning.

I don't look. I don't, I don't, I'm never on my agent, like, get me more. Like, I don't know. I have to, like, get it through people I know or stuff I've written myself. You know, the idea. I cherry pick. Huh? I cherry pick.

Yeah. Like, if they send you something and it's like for a sitcom, to play some goofy part, you just say no, right? Yeah. You can't go out for everything. Some sitcoms, it's funny how 20 years ago, if you called me instead of having an audition in San San Francisco, I'd ride a bicycle there. Yeah. And the last eight years after the strike,

the game changed so much that you were like, you know what? Like I started getting calls at 11 o'clock for 1.30 producer session. I know. And I'm like, no prep. I'm not doing that. Right, exactly. I'm not doing that.

Yeah, because you're going to be hard. Downtown 430, like they call you at 215. Right. Like we're going to send you the sides right now and just come down and give it a shot. You know what I appreciate it. But if you go one time, then they'll make you do it again. Yeah. And so you can't bust.

I did all that stuff. You know, that kid won. You do and you need it. From modern family. And he said something interesting. He goes, thank you, L.A. I went to all the auditions. Even the ones at 430 down at Ocean, down in San Diego, this place in Santa Monica, where you go to audition, like when they would call you on a Friday.

I said, you had a 3.15 down there. Oh, God. Your fucking heart was, uh. You're not coming home until Saturday. There was two fucking places that I hated. Yeah. That place and Bundy Ocean something and Bundy

They were for commercials I'll never forget Going down to Bundy Taking two hours to get there From Hollywood on a Friday For a 515 audition And all they wanted me to do Is put my hands in front of the camera

And then take them out And they were like Thank you for coming And I remember walking out going I gotta start punching these motherfuck Yeah I did it all that shit I don't feel guilty at all

They called me, like they called me a couple years ago for a TV show. Yeah. And this is what happens sometimes. Sometimes you have to say no. Yeah. Like I told, I'm dying up here. They called me like, we really want you for this part. Just come down audition, it's yours.

And I was like, I don't want to be a fucking Italian tailor. Uh-huh. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know an age now, and I've been here so long, that I'd just cherry pick. Yeah. I hear things. If you say something to me, I hear things. I see a book I like.

I read it and I find that it's an option. Yeah. And I start banging it out that way to get back. There's a roll in there. There's something I'm working on now. Smart. That when it hits HBO, it's going to be tremendous. Right.

And I've been looking at the different angles, and I'm looking for one row. I know the role I want. They're not going to give me the mobsters. They're not going to give me the Cubans. They're not going to give me the Jewish roles. There's one role. Right. And that's the one I want.

Right. I'll do everything for that role. That's really smart. You know, I used to send my own audition tapes in. Oh, yeah? Like, I used to, you would call me, go, Joey, they're doing a mafia movie. 2004, 2005.

Joey, they're doing a New York movie with Denzel Washington. I booked American Gangs for the first time with tapes. I would get the script from my friend that I see him. He's long gone. And I would get the script. If there was three Italian roles, I picked the one with the lease lines. And I'd send them in.

You just record on your own? Record on my own. I'd pay a buddy in mine. He had a house up here and all the stuff. And I'd do the whole audition. And I got into the rhythm of that. That what I wanted, a friend of mine once told me, a casting director's job is to get the role booked.

Right. She wants to do it as quick as possible. Right. Sometimes your agent doesn't have the juice to get you in the room or something. Yeah, yeah. Fuck it. I used to overboard that shit. So smart.

I used to override that shit. I would look at the script. Yeah. Pick the least of the sides I wanted. Even if there was a second guy I wanted. Right. Let's go with this one. Why be a fucking pig?

Right, right. Go with that one. Send the tape in or I would drop. It's not. So smart. Who are you? Listen, just give this to fucking John, whatever. But who are?

And you book through that? That way. When Adam Sandler, Longest Yard, they were like, we want Big Pussy or Tom Saragusa, Tony Saragusa. And I went home and I ate my, and I was in Houston. I said, first of all, Adam Sandler is a comic. Right. Seragusa and Big Pussy, great actors, great people, but they're not comics.

They didn't do Buffalo. They've never done Buffalo. Buffalo. They've never done North Carolina Wanda. That was really my logic. Yeah. They never followed Paul Moonie at the store. Right, right. Dirty nights in a row. So let me put it on tape. That was my logic. So yeah. And that's it. So smart. I know. I mean, because like the worst thing that could happen to you as a comic is to get a part playing a dad in some young girls sitcom. You're not working as a anymore. You're invisible to the audience that wants to see you. You're trapped into this contract with this show where no you're kind of an obscurity. You're working, but nobody knows where you are.

Nobody knows what you're doing. So why would you chase after that stuff? If you're an actor, okay, that's the that's the end game is to get a part in anything. But for comedians, you got to be in the right thing. You never wanted to do a show for six years on ABC and just call it quits. No. When they gave you a check after six years. If it was the Tom Papa show, sure. Okay. If it was, you know, if it was a sitcom where people are going to know, hey, that's Tom and that thing.

They offered me, they kept calling me for this show on the CW. They really want you to play this father on the CW shoots in Toronto. So why not put me on a cruise ship and just put a bullet in my head? Really? I mean, what would that do for me? It would be isolation. Look, if I needed the money, if I was like really desperate and, but I'm going to be away from my family, away from my friends, away from comedy, just an obscurity doing that. That's not, that's the difference between just an actor and an actor comedian.

You know, you can't imagine if you had to stop doing stand-up. up for the rest of your days? I would never stop. You look like you're contemplating it. Well, with two different ages, you know, what you do at 30 and what you do at 50 is two different fucking things. How you would have to treat me on a show now is I tell you right off the bat. First of all, I want to be shot out first.

Right. I'm an old man. That fucking 12 to 12 shit is not going to work. Right. So we're going to do three takes. Yeah. At 10 o'clock in the morning At 10 o'clock in the morning.

You know, I loved, you know, you have to know who you have on the set and what you have on the set. Yeah. Okay, I really love that girl from signing that live, the one that went on to do 40 Rock. What's in there? Oh, Tina Fey.

Tina Fey. She gave somebody a chance that is completely nuts. Uh-huh. But she was a genius how she used them. Uh-huh. And you have to, when you have a comic on the set, you have to know the psychology. Nothing bothers me more than the director.

director has you sitting around for 12 hours. We're comedians. You got like a three-hour window bitch. That's right. And after that, if you want to keep us around until eight, if you're eight hours, I'm in. But don't put me in three scenes at eight. Right. And then come back to me at six. That party's gone. That muscle was gone. That just doesn't make sense. No, no. That just does. And you're going to leave, right. And you're not going to get the best out of the person. When I heard that she used to, Rogan said it once. He goes, Rogan said, if, if I have had a show and put Diaz on, just off the batty told me this. He goes, first of, I wouldn't want you around all day.

Because that's when it's trouble. In my world, I just shoot you out by 11. Yeah. When I heard that, she had to show Tina Fey, she would shoot him out quick. You don't want him around past five hours. That's smart. Tell him people his fingers smells like raping and all that shit. You don't need that.

You don't fucking need that. Just get him in. I know he's a pain of his ass. Just get him out by 11. That's his bad. And that's when I get pissed off. Right. You know, a comedian and a comedic actor,

nothing pisses me on more than what compared to comedic actors. That gets under my craw. I am not a comedic actor. I am a stand-up that does comedy. Right. That's a big difference with a little bit of formal training. Yeah. Did you have a lot of training?

No, not a lot. I mean, all through college, I did it. Did you go to acting classes in New York ever? Yeah, I went to HB Studios. How were they? They were good. They were good. it just felt cool to all of a sudden be in New York in an acting class.

And then I also went to this other woman, Sheila Gray. I went to her for a couple of years. So I've had a good amount, I guess. But I loved being in New York around other actors, especially when you're doing it that way and you realize, oh, you know, you think it's all going to be Brando. And you're like, I'm as good as these people. All right, I can do this.

This is going to be okay. and then you learn a lot and I think I got to a point where I'm really confident and can be myself and do a really good job I think I'm a good actor but then watching like

Damon and Michael Douglas when they were doing their thing in that movie and you're like all right all the time I've put in as a comic which makes me really great that way these guys they're doing something at a different level

as good as I think I am and I think, oh, maybe I don't need as much training. It might be worth it if you want to be like those guys. But they might also just have a certain thing that makes them great. You know, that's an innate thing and all the time that they put in. But they are a different level for sure. What's the guy, Christopher Walker? Yeah.

I heard that when he did a scene and they yelled, cut the fucking place would applaud. Right. Like he would suck you into the fucking scene. Right. There's people that you see. I'll tell you, they're dangerous. That fucking English guy that played Batman. Oh, Christian Bale?

Like when he played the junkie on the Irish thing, he's dangerous. Dangerous. Right. Those guys, I know. Like, we can act. Those guys are actors. That's a different game, you know. Yeah.

Like, I watch a guy like McQueen, he's mediocre. In my world. Oh, really? Brando, let me tell you something, man. I watch something the other night, and I'm very emotional. Very, like, when I watch something good that inspires me, I break down. Yeah. I cried last night through the NCAA finals.

When they were tied up, I was crying. Because that's what I wanted to be. You know, I was eating Paso Vazul as well. I had to go for this stress test. So I didn't want to eat heavy. You're right. So I made my wife make me this Paso Vazzoal, this Puerto Rican possible she makes,

with some grass in the backyard instead. We put spinach. There's no arugel out of it. Right. And I just made a little salad with blue cheese and lettuce, tomato, onions. And I made it a point to listen to the starting five. Uh-huh.

Like I made it a point. Yeah. I was at the dinner table. Yeah. I wanted to hear where they were from because the first time I knew that I could do something. Yeah. Was when I watched the NCAA finals, I was watching Marquette against North Carolina. Uh-huh.

And when they said from Jersey, City, New Jersey, Michael, Corrin. Like, I just broke down. Yeah. And last night I listened just to see if they had anybody from Jersey. Yeah. Like that's every year. In the finals, I go every year, there's always one motherfucker from Jersey. Last night there was a dude from Philly.

Yeah. started for Texas Tech or Virginia, and there was a dude from New York. And you could see the dude from New York had that New York shit. But there was a kid from Woodland Hills. Oh, yeah. And I fucking cried. Like I was like, you know, it was a massive. Oh, yeah.

The whole thing. It means a lot. Half a Filipino kid from Wilming Hills. It's great. I had a similar thing when I was a kid. I was watching basketball and it was a college game. And there was a guy from my town from Woodcliff Lake. And the same thing.

I was like, What? Could I get, can I get out of? He did it. Let's go. You know, it's amazing. I'm the emotional too that way. It's crazy.

All the people that really, really came out. Like, I didn't know Nathan Lane. Yeah. It was from Jersey City. You went to St. Peter's Prep. Well, I don't know that. I bought Pink Floyd tickets at St. Pete's Brett.

You know. Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson is from Neptune. Yeah. You ever go to Neptune? No. Joe Thaisman. Yeah.

You know, all those guys, you know, I was telling, I think, Tebow and whatever, a story about my eighth grade year, when the hottest basketball player in the country, his name was Kelly Trupeuca. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you go to Denver Stadium.

They didn't really kill him. No. If you go to Denver Stadium, like Denver, wherever Denver plays, he's in the ring of fame. Oh, wow. His father owns a big beverage company. Puka liquors. Oh, yeah. And most basketball players at the time were scoring a thousand points in four years.

Right. He was scoring a thousand points a year. A blue field. Oh, Jesus. Like, he was touted the next best thing. And I didn't matter to take a bus. We played them in high school. Wow.

And I took a bus to the state semifinals to watch him play. Wow. The coach of Notre Dame was there. You know what that's like? Jeez. Was he amazing to watch at that point? He was 20 and 24 from the field. Jesus.

Oh, my God. And he made four field free throws. You know how we beat him? We beat him. Really? Because he was the only guy on this team. Right, right. But we beat him.

Three guys on him. Yeah. He missed a slam dunk or an alley-up at the end by just a fucking pussy hair. And we beat him by one. But he ended up going to Notre Dame. He played for the pistons. Wow. You know, you see all these people.

You're like, I could do that. Yeah. I know. They show you. There's a way. I can fucking do that. Yeah. That's why I was so disappointed about college.

Like when I had done. I was like, fuck. Right. I quit high school. I was like, Jesus Christ. Right. All I ever want to do is playing the finals. Yeah.

Even if I lost, I'd talk shit until the end. You ever see this guy that episode of 30 for 30 about North Carolina? Yeah. When they do the talk and they're all sitting around. Yeah. He said, coach said that, thank God you didn't throw the ball to the white guy. He would shit his pants. And he's like, coach didn't say that.

That's a fucking lie. You know, that camaraderie. Yeah, exactly. You know, when you win a finals, like, people remember that. You could do whatever you want at that school. Oh, yeah. Forget people. Harvey Weinstein, bitches.

You know, you could send your kid for no college. No, you got a free pass, a lifetime pass. When did you decide to stand up? I wanted to as a kid, like in seventh grade, I realized, like, I was funny, and then I realized like that it was a job. Like, I heard Steve Martins and Let's Get Small and George Carlin's Class clown in one summer. I was like, oh, these are grownups doing this, being funny for a living. From that point on, I was like, I want to do that.

I want to be a comedian. And I didn't, and I would like record stuff when I was, I had a job as a, in college as a security guard in this housing development in the winter where I would just sit in my car. There was nobody coming to this housing development. It was in the middle of like East Windsor, like nothing, cornfields. and they're building some houses, and I had to sit in my car in the cold with a little space heater, and I would just sit out there by myself for hours. That was my job. And I started recording stand-up on a recorder in the car, because I'm by myself going crazy. And I was just getting high and just talking to myself. I started putting down bits, and I'd bring them back and play them for my

roommates and stuff, and they didn't think they were any good. But I was, then I got out of college, and because I had acted so much. I was like, oh, maybe I'll, I went to HBO studios, and I'm living in Jersey again. I'm living in Paramus, and I'm thinking maybe I'll try and get parts. And it was like, he's such a mind, like, how do you get a part in anything? I don't have an agent. I don't know. How do you, does that happen?

I was looking at the Village Voice. And I was like, oh, I don't need permission to do standup. It says right here, I can go the New York Comedy Club. If I have two friends, it'll buy a ticket and buy the drinks. Let's go. Jason, Sean, get in the car. We're going. June 12th, 1993.

I was my first one. I was in New York City. Is that funny? Yeah, that was my very first time. What did you think on the ride home? I was, I was electric. I was like, oh, yeah, this is it. I'm doing this.

This is what I'm going to do. I walked in, Greg Gerardo was waiting to go on. And this other kid was hosting. It was just the three of us. And my friends were the only ones really in the audience. and I met Geraldo and we became friends like immediately. Was he already? No, he wasn't a star yet.

No, he was just starting. He was nervous shaking like a leaf. No beard. Just all totally terrified, but smart and funny. And we just hit it off and did that first set. You know, a couple jokes, whatever. But it was a rush. I'd never been in a comedy club before that night.

You know, I'd seen comedy, but I'd never been in a club. and just became pals with him and just didn't stop. That was it. I was like, oh, I don't have to. I saw comedy as like, you know, a very just part of show business. It's like, all right, if we walk into these clubs, all of a sudden, I'm hosting shows at Standup, New York, and John Stewart's on the show, and Brett Butler's on the show.

And as long as I'm funny, I can stay, I can stick around. That seemed very just to me. It didn't matter who you knew. It didn't matter what agent you had. It's just if I can get up on the same stage as these people and make the people laugh as much as they're laughing at them, that's all I've got to do. I can do that.

I could just keep working at doing that. And that was it. I remember going to Jersey in 90. Right after I started, I went to Jersey. It was 91. I started in June or July. And it was September. And fucking Jay Moore was already big in the city.

Yeah. The black kid that's still around from Jersey, from Newark or something. Bill Bellamy. Oh, Billow me, yeah. Billum, was already rocking and rolling because I remember buying one of those newspapers. I was interested, but I was such a pussy. I didn't go out in 91. I was there for two weeks.

Oh, really? And I kept saying, I'm going to go up. I'm going to go up. I never went on. I was such a pussy. And then the second time I came was January of 93. And right away, I started going over it. I met Bob Gonzo.

He bought shows in Jersey. He'll give you $5. I know. I would drive down the show and he'd give me a $5 bill. And you were happy? And you were happy. Happy. You were happy that you got five fucking dollars.

Yeah, they're giving me money to do this. He had a room in North Bergen. Romano's restaurant. And I went down there were like 18 guerrillas. And he told me he wasn't going to go up. Next thing they came up and he was like, dog, your friend's threatened me. I got to put you up. My friend's like, we'll light this place on fire.

You better put him up. And I went up there. Deep. I go home now, my friends always go. Remember when we all went to see? Everyone was. Harmon Cove had a room. Yeah.

And Seacoccus next to Clifton. That's next to Clifton. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your father's up by from Route 3. Right, exactly. It used to be, call your father right now and ask me about the Clifton Drive in Theater. Oh, yeah.

That was where I saw five fingers of death. I saw so many movies. I'm sure my parents were there. They were dating in high school. Yeah. Route 3 was, if you didn't want to go to the city or like North Bergen and whatever. Right. Live or not in Clifton by Munaki.

Ask your father how ugly the people are. You have never seen ugly people in your life than Munaki. They all got big heads. They're confused. They're bumping heads on the street. Munaki's like eight blocks. I don't know how they have so many ugly people. But they have a tremendous restaurant called Segovia.

Oh, yeah. Like a Portuguese. Yeah. Garlic shrimp is still there? I heard it's still there. Last time I was there, they asked us to leave. Oh, really? We started drinking those $16

Pigs. Yeah, there's Mark St.Grias. And then there's a place. See, I was hoping to go to Newark, to go to the Spanish kitchen. Yeah. If you, you know, have you ever been there? I've been to that district. Yeah, they have a place called the Spanish kitchen. I took Roegan.

Oh, yeah. Rogan took me. Who the fuck of my kid? I suggested. And he goes, I'll take you. Next thing, you know, we're drinking Sangrees. He's got a UFC fight. This ought to be a long time ago. A couple of years ago. Yeah, that's good stuff.

Let me tell you some, Popma. I love your stand-up. I love you. Thanks, man. You said one of the funniest things a couple months ago on fucking Conan. I saw that you, like, I don't watch those fucking shows. Yeah, me neither. But if I'm scrolling and I see a friend, I tape it.

And then when I come back from the store or fucking doing a podcast with Lee, I'll watch it. Yeah. And you were like real subtle. And all of a sudden, you're like, yeah, my show. was about food. What's wrong with eating a piece of bread from time to time? Everybody's walking around, keto diet. I got to hang out with Joe Rogan telling me about

fuck you, just dip the bread. And I'm like, you know what? That's exactly what I'm doing. And a couple weeks ago, I was on JetBlue, mint. And they gave me that little Italian bun, like a little bun. I fucking stuck my whole, my finger in it. And I put olive oil in it. And I ate it like an Italian. It splurred all over me. I'm like,

that's for Tom Papa. Yeah, man. I don't understand. why after thousands of years of eating bread, why we show up and they say it's bad for you. It doesn't make any sense. We've been eating it, nourishing ourselves for this history of mankind. And we show up in 2019 and you can't eat bread. Uh-uh. I'm like, something's wrong. Something's wrong. And then I realized we're not eating bread. We're eating this chemical concoction that they call bread. When I started baking the bread on my own. Oh, this is you baking? That's why I made that for you. Oh, my God. Thank you. I think you went to a baker.

No, I made that bread for you this morning. So when did you start baking bread? How'd you get into this? I started it like five years ago. A friend of mine, we were working on a TV show, and he was into it. And he started telling me, like, there's this natural yeast and a sourdose starter, and that's what they used to make bread out of, and I started doing it. And I told my family about it, like, you put flour and water in a bowl, and this yeast goes in and makes this living organism, this sourdough starter.

and you can make bread from it. My daughter, for Christmas, got one started for me. On the secret, she just started mixing flour and water and got the thing going, and I just started baking it. And real bread is flour, water, salt, and yeast. That is it. Flower, water, salt, and yeast. If anything else is added, you're not really eating real bread.

And I've been baking it like crazy, got great at it. I started the show on the Food Network because of it. It just went like wildfire. and we eat this bread all the time and no one's getting fat from it no one's getting sick no one's getting fat this is good for you we should be eating good bread so it's on conan i'm like cano i mean i'm like preaching it everywhere i go i'm like if if you eat real bread you're allowed to eat real bread you joey dyes are allowed to eat bread don't eat frankenstein bread let me ask you this what do you think about the italian diet the mediterranean diet or the well no no i'm talking about

Just are the way we eat Like Jersey Italian I think Me and Rogan have had this conversation I can't stand when people put down pasta I know It drives me crazy I know I can't

Italian people been eating pasta Since Christopher fucking Columbus And now you want to show up and tell me carbs Are no fucking good I can see I know if I'm Italians that are ripped Yeah I was a heart carrier for a summer

Right And that guy had To this day I'm emulating his diet today Right He ate five times a day. The only thing I'm not doing that he does

because I'm a pussy is he would fucking get a little wine glass pour red wine and saran wrap it. And then at lunchtime he'd take it out eating in pants and shit. No way. But he lived like 90. I kept in touch with his son until

I don't know. This was in Florida New Jersey. He would eat and then I worked with a hot carry North Bergen when I was a kid and he would do everything by hand. There was no to do-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ha-nothing. You had to go. And that guy, Angelo Severino's his name is his father lived to be 90. Right.

And he used to eat, you know, you can't eat a fucking thing like this, a pasta. No, of course. A little cup with marinerra meat sauce, like a little meat sauce. Oh, forget the meatball. Yeah. I don't even need the fucking meatball at this age. I'll even take the meat out of it. Really?

You will? I like the marineria too. I do too. But you know what? If we're going to eat, let's eat. Let's much. What the fuck. You got to understand.

I was a Cuban kid. Yeah. And when I came from the United States, all I wanted to do is eat white food. Right. Like when I lived on 205 West 88th Street, the only Italian I knew about was the spaghetti my mother made, which is Cuban-style spaghetti, which is delicious, and the pizza joint on 86 and Broadway. Oh. And then there was a black guy at my mother's dry cleaners that made spaghetti and meatballs on Wednesdays are Italian people in the Bronx would come up and eat. His name was Black Mike.

There was Black and White Mike Mike Mike. Mikey Black and Mikey White. Right. He was the presser at my mother's dry cleaner, and then he doubled as a cook upstairs for the numbers operation. Wow. When I moved to Jersey, I could lie to you people, all you were. I didn't know nothing about Italian food.

I was hooked on that shit Feducine Alfredo that now I want to kill kids. If my wife loved, my daughter loves. Yeah, it was big. In the 80s, it was a big thing. In the 80s, I'm a mother, they moved to Fratio Alfredo. You don't understand. In Cuba, the Italians put lobster on that pizza. Right.

In Cuba, everything was seafoodish. I don't know what Italian moved to Cuba, but it was very seafoodish. And when I started, I would go, John Bender was the first person who took me to his house. And his mother, his sister was a hair cutter. And on Wednesday, she would cut hair in the living room,

and they would make a big bowl of pasta in the kitchen was from here to there. They'd be hair flying everywhere. And the mother would make that red lead, and I'd remember going over to their house. I was very Americanized. And her, she said to me, What's your name?

And I'm like, Coco Dears. And I would like just put my head up. Yeah. Because they were the first people that ever showed me how to put polio ricott on the fucking spaghetti, which is a different level. I know. You here have your spaghetti and meat sauce all you want.

Once you figure out that record, what's this for? Like put a lump in there and mix it up. I'm like, oh my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What is this? So we cut a diat. I told him, bro, your mom is the best. You would put sausage and meat in the sauce.

and then the first time I had pasta for Zool. And my dick got hard for 48 hours straight. 48 hours I had a hard on. She took it out of the freezer with the spinach and the fucking whatever else is in there. There's something else in there. That's got old. Escarol. That shit will get your dick hard.

You bleed a crack hole's asshole and fucking eat pasta Vazoo. And they test you the next day and you're fine. I became in love with that shit. Yeah. No, it's big. How old were you when that hit you then? you're like 12 and you know what you say to me whenever I eat spaghetti at the house you'd go good country America huh yeah but I mean man it's in my it's like it's just so it's a part of your

of your blood at that point when you grow up on it and you know I come out here and there's Monty Carlos the Pinocchio place on Magnolia it's like I if Sunday I This is how I plan my comedy travel. If I can fly into Burbank, come home for my shows on Sunday morning, I'm so happy. I'm on the plane thinking about what I'm going to eat. I'm writing down my list of what I'm going to do. I land at Burbank, get the car, drive to Monte Carlo. You walk into this Italian deli, the stuff hanging from the ceiling.

They just got everything from my childhood is just around me. They've got to give me boxes to carry the stuff to my trunk. You don't eat the food. No. No, I mean, I get the stuff from the deli. The food is, oh, my God. I know. The food is questionable.

Every time I go to it, I tried, I tried. It's sloppy. It's too sloppy. I know. I try to go to this other place and then, you know, my daughter loves it. Oh, my God, I can't say the name because they're nice people. But you sit there and you're like, I can't do this no more. Yeah.

Every time I go to have the lentil soup and the chopped salad. Yeah. That's what I'm down to. The pizza. If you go to the place over there, you could eat the pizza. But where? At Monte Carlo. No.

After I had the spaghetti, if you fuck a pork fried rice, our conversation's over. Right or wrong. You're going to try... Who's making pork fried rice? I'm just saying. I'm just giving you the different...

If you fuck up for gyro, I'm not eating your baklaba. Okay? If the gyro sucks, we ain't moving any further. If the pork fried rice sucks, we ain't moving no further. And if the spaghetti sucks,

we can't move... Because I can make a fucking meat. I'm a retard. And I can make spaghetti with prego. That's better than fucking Canocchio's. And I'm sorry to say. But their deli section is like being in Italy. My wife's like being in Arthur's Avenue.

Oh my God. We get a little more to Del with the crackers. Oh, come on. At two in the morning, we eat more than Del. We lied to my daughter. We tell her it's baloney. She showed in the face like a fucking savage. Love it.

And I just load up and I go home and I cook and I want to cook just for the family. My whole Sunday after being on the road is just go in, get oil in the pan, get garlic. like an onion going. The house has changed. It's filled with something. I've got my bread and I just start cooking for everybody and that to me is everything. That's that's everything. Tom Papa, your true family man. I love you. All my heart is getting fucking hot in here. What date you got coming up, my brother? I'm going to Cobbs this weekend. Is this coming out this week? Next week. Next week. Just go to Tompapa.com. You'll see all my dates. I'm pretty much all over the place. I'm kind of at the end of my tour. I'll be, I'll be winding down in a little bit.

Do you take time off? Not really, but like I'll have these runs where I'm just like going heavy. And then, uh, can't do it. And then I'll, and then I'll be, uh, here. I'm in at the store in like a month because I've just been on the road hitting it hard. I could do every other week. Every other week. Yeah. If you put a gun to my head. Right. Back to back. Yeah. I want to go out. I don't want to. It's too too much. Yeah. You'll see as the years. Yeah, no, I feel it. Last week, Pittsburgh. Yeah. Two fucking planes on a 40-minute drive.

Yeah. You need 80 fucking Cairo practice. I know. When you get off the plane, I had to go to fucking Cairo practice. My wife had to shoot me with a machine gun. It's true. How to put DMV? What's that shit on your back? That CBD lion. Yeah, you know, it's just too much. I know. It is. Next year, I'm doing the direct plane flight. The direct flight tour.

Yeah, that's it. That's smart. That's it. Except for Buffalo. I got to go to Buffalo. But I'm going to fly into Kennedy. do something and then fly to Buffalo. Yeah. I can't do that fucking connect to the thing. And at Buffalo Jet Blue, you gotta wait too fucking hours. I know.

I know. I've been on the small market, I want to call it the, what are you doing here tour? Because every time I see people after the show, they're like, what are you doing here? And they're hard to get to. They're great places, but it's hard to get to.

Yeah, Pittsburgh's a great place. It's just hard to get to. Yeah. But man, you're the best. I always love seeing you. Thank you very much for coming on. Thank you for the, bread yes now you now i hope you i'm gonna dip in an olive all tonight i'm not doing too good i'm

gonna dip an hour of oil a little cheese maybe some olive oil nice you're done you don't need a meal you have an open door here if you want to promote it yes uh nice oh you could slice that that's right put a nice fucking egg yolk on it with butter underneath toasted i don't have to tell you what to do no you think i got you think i got this skinny because i fucking he fucking scrambled that i love you tom papa you too all right i want to thank my man tom pop I want to thank the Christ killer, but most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers on a Monday morning for spending time with us. Again, I want to thank our sponsors. The church is brought to you by Manscaped.

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So I want to thank Manscape, I want to thank Onit, and I want to thank CBD Lion. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for listening and giving us this shot. I got no dates on the books. It's over. I'm shooting movies. I'm smoking cigars.

I'm slinging dick. And I suggest you do the same. Have a great weekend. We'll see you Thursday, you little dirty bastards. Stay black. Joey loves you. Take this motherfucking mulee. Hewere.

Runs the all-time loser. His death is a piston scraping on his brow. Sears his children jumping off stations one by one. This woman and his best friend bed and heaven down

the corridor on his hands and...