The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #678 - Chelsea Skidmore

Episode Date: April 25, 2019

Chelsea Skidmore, a stand up comedian, actor and host of "The Chelsea Skidmore Show" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Hims - Go to ForHims.com/COCO to get started for just $10. While supplies last, restrictions apply.   

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Kick that, Muley. I come I can't fucking hear myself think. There you go. In the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Chelsea Skidmore. Yo. The Christ killer. Yeah.

Can I hit it in the morning without giving you half of my doing even worse if I was broke. What? Stop. If I couldn't get you. Find the things like all of them diamond ring, bitches kill for. still row if we couldn't see the sun rising off the shore of Thailand would you ride then if I wasn't driving if I wasn't a eight figure nigger by the neighbor jigger would you come around me and would you clown me if I couldn't flow futuristic would you put

your two lips on my wood and kiss it could you see yourself with a nigger working harder to nine to five go go go go do you need a ball go so you can shop we're here motherfuckers Chelsea Skidmore's here the flying Jew is here but most importantly you're here you bad motherfuck what's up Chelsea what's up how's it going you know me dog trying to put the pieces together every day trying to run through it's been a rough fucking week been a rough couple weeks nipsy russell you know fucking people dying I don't know what the fuck is going on people getting shot in the head I'm fucking in the bad neighbors and we're just trying to put the pieces together What's going on with you?

Just drinking my crack right now, my no-tro cold brew. Shout out to Tate, Caveman coffee. Oh, that's right, then. So is that coffee or is that fucking... It's cold brew. So what's cold brew? I have no idea. It's coffee that's cold with oxygen levels and shit in it.

Yeah, I don't like... It's very acidic. I don't like the taste of coffee, but I like the way that this makes me feel. It makes me feel like I did a speedball. And, yeah. You don't do coffee? I just started drinking coffee.

I didn't drink. Black or milk? I like it with half and half. I like a fucking black cup of coffee. Strong. I wish I did. Gross. With some fucking nice fake sugar.

Yeah. Nice black cup of coffee. That's not black and a sugar. I do fucking four expressos at night. Really? At night? Yeah. Like I could do four of them like at six.

If I have to go to the store at 10, I'll do a four shot at like eight. How do you fall asleep? Midnight. I could fall. I did coke for 30 years. I could fall asleep on. I remember to fall asleep drinking Red Bull. Can you fall asleep on Coke?

No. Okay. Me neither. But it's funny, a couple weeks, yesterday or Sunday, I was going to go to bed and the day, I don't know, what the one. I was thinking about this thing I saw about 10 years ago. There was a case that they couldn't figure out a murder carrier, not a murder, the guy died, but he died in his sleep.

And they couldn't figure out the guy never drank. He never did drugs. She stayed home every night. He was in with his wife. He was like a rider. They couldn't figure out what he had done. And at the autopsy, you know, they looked at his nose. He had been addicted to Coke for years.

But what his thing was, he would do Coke to go to sleep. I knew people that would do a line of Coke to go up because what goes up must come down. So they would do a little line of Coke before they went to sleep. And they would keep them up for 20 and then the crash. On one little line, they would ride down. that wave into sleep. I don't know how people could do it.

That's what this guy was doing. That's fucking crazy. After he interviewed his wife, his wife was like 60. And she was like, it was funny. He would come up every night and then go into his own private bathroom and being there for like five minutes. So after the autopsy came back, they went into the bathroom and they found fucking mirrors, an ounce of half a Coke. He was just an old fucking cocker that figured out he wouldn't do it in the daytime. He just do a line at night and then go to bed.

Well, you know, people, so there's like two different types of people. Like, people who are addicted to Coke, like, they get high from Coke and they're awake. But if, and then there's people who do pills. And the people who like pills, they go up too. But people who don't like pills, do you know what I mean? It's the opposite. And people who, like, if I took pills, I don't like pills, that makes me sleepy. And the kind of people who like pills, when they do coke, it makes them sleep.

Do you know what I mean? I explained it. Pills all always been weird. Like one day I fell asleep on the podcast about two months ago with Steve Simone. We had eaten edible. It had to be longer. We had to eat netables. But it was the Vicodin.

I popped like a half of Vicodin and a half a Happy Pill. They put me out. Yeah. But when you read about them, they have speeding them. They have caffeine in them. That's why they make you feel like that. Vicodin. Vicodin.

Vicar. Norco. Norco. They're notcos. They have so much... I don't know what the word is speed. It's caffeine, I think. Caffeine or something else in it.

That's supposed to keep you up. That's why the pain goes away. And then I remember being in Vegas like two years ago. And with our friend, he gave me a norco. And I remember going upstairs to the room, and I could not fall asleep. Like I was up. So they affect you. Well, didn't we take two of those capsules that thing?

I think we took two of those. Two capsules. Those are strong. A happy pill. Wait, what's that ecstasy? A happy pill? We call vikinns or norcos. That's what my friend in Vegas calls them.

Happy pills. So we just kept going to be happy pills. It's not that we eat, you know, every once in a while somebody gets surgery and they'll go, here's two of them. Yeah. And I'll put them in the bag of tricks and they'll stay in there for six months. And then when that, I go, fuck it. Let's eat a nunko. Maybe I'll go work out.

My back hurts or something. And that's what I did. But I popped an uncle. I couldn't stay awake. But for most people, they pop a narco and it reverses them. I don't know much about. Yeah, pills make me tired and Coke makes me awake. I can't sleep on Coke.

I'm sober now, but. How long are you been sober for now? I'll have three years next month. But I, because I was a really bad Coke head. How old were you when you started? I started when I was 15. No shit. Yeah.

Yeah. I skipped the last period of high school, skipped art class, went to the jungle gym, and I did Coke with my friend. And I was like, I love this. And I just did it, yeah, did it up until like 26. But I've been sober technically for six years, but I relapsed three years ago. On Coke or? Yeah, drinking and Coke for a couple weeks.

And then now I'm back. What made you relapse? I was dating a guy who was an asshole and he cheated on me and he like rubbed it in my face. and it just like it just made me snap for some reason you know a lot of people who are addicts and alcoholics they get fucked up because they can't like feel their feelings so basically like I don't know it was just like too much for me and I think I had been in a lot of shitty relationships and it felt like everything kind of just like hit me at once you know what I mean like dealing with the same type of person and I just kind of like snapped and I just like had to drink and I just partied really

really hard and then I had to get sober because I can't handle it anymore. How long did you go off the wagon for? It was two weeks. What were you thinking throughout those two weeks? I was out of my mind. And I'm so glad I didn't go to the store because I've never been to the store fucked up because, you know, when I started going there, I was sober. But I stayed away on my relapse because I was like, I know I'm just going to get high

and like say weird shit to people, you know, but I know I was like texting like comics like, I love your special, like high on Coke, just like that person. That was bad. Eric Griffin. Just like texting him at all hours, just being crazy. It's a weird fucking drug. I can never imagine me relapsed on Coke again. It's been 11 years.

Oh, really? I can't even imagine. Like, people have done it in front of me that doesn't even spark a hair. I just can't imagine. Yeah. It's my favorite thing. It was mine also. Yeah.

Like I couldn't focus. And I still have. It's been 11 years. But the anxiety I get at night was the same anxiety I was getting from what it was time to do Coke. Like as soon as it would come into my mind, like 75. Yeah, 755. I was off and running. Like I had, I couldn't even think.

I would call him and go over and pick it up and they would be in my pocket. That would put me at peace. Not that I was doing it. I know exactly what you mean. If I had it in my pocket. To the security. The spirit is rested. Now all I have to do is go to the store and do my spot.

If I could get away with my spot and then on the way right off the original room, I would go right into that bathroom. There would not even be a hesitation. There would be, hey, meet me in the bar. No. I would go, hold on. I got to pee real bad. And I'd go right into that bathroom. And that was my boom, boom, boom, four bumps.

Go to the bar, get a fucking jack and coke. And then I wouldn't get fucked up down. there. Once I do the Jack and Coke, it was time to go home. I'll finish getting fucked up. I didn't like getting fucked up. I think in all the years I was down there snort and coke, I think I stayed to drink maybe five times in those seven, eight years, like maybe five times I stayed at night and you got to see everybody else coked up and people got to see you coked up. But I had an incident up there earlier where I found out people are watching you up there. Yeah. You got to be really careful up there so I knew not to fuck around do you get hung like I was I'm not I have other issues

but drugs have never been my thing on strong edibles I'll feel a little bit hungover the next day but if you're doing coke all night how like how do you feel the next day and then like how many nights a week are you doing it when I was doing first of all you feel like you want to die the next day you're so hungover you feel like you want to throw yourself out the window and I do coke until I just can't talk anymore. You know what I mean? Like 16 hours usually for me was like my limit. So I'd like drink and do Coke for like 16 hours. I'd go home at like 5 p.m. the next day. You know, sun's still out trying to get a cab in the city. No cabs are stopping because it's always rush hour by the time I'm finished. And you just feel like you're like fucking dying. The worst is having to

take the subway home after a night of doing coke all night when you're coming down. I have like the worst come down like trying to find my way home stories and then you're just like dying and then you take like two zana bar you know two zanx bars to fall asleep and then you wake up and you do the whole thing over again the next day so i was doing it like five days a week i was like a really big party girl in new york i you know it was like a club person and she would go you commute every night or you lived in the city i lived in the city i went to college uh in hawaii at a high school and then I transferred to the city and I went to Pace downtown. Did you really?

Yeah. So you went to the University of Hawaii first? Yeah, for three years. It was cool, but I was bored after the first year. You went down and they get away from this shit? It was the only school I got into. I was, I wasn't, I was not good at school. I smoked weed and I just like, I didn't care about school.

I got an A-80 on my SATs. What major? Communications, which means I spent a ton of money for nothing. You're a good way to. Yeah. You'll be a fucking broke waiter. Yeah. I mean, you know, there was some fun classes in college, but I don't think I needed it.

When did you decide on stand-up? I had always wanted to do stand-up. It just took me a long time to do it because I was scared, you know? And I first did it when I was 18, but I really didn't start more seriously until like six years ago about. And you started in New York you were saying earlier. Yeah, I was doing some mics in New York and L.A. and then I moved to LA that year. What made you move on here?

I wanted to do the groundlings. And have you been there lately? Yeah. Well, I started doing UCB in New York, and then I wanted to switch and do groundlings. So I did that for two years, but then I just switched to stand up because it was just too much for me

in the beginning of me starting, like wanting to get serious about standup. I was like, I can't do all these other things. I just need to focus right now on stand-up. How do you compare UCB theater to the comedy store? Hmm. Well, I did UCB in New York. I didn't do UCB out here.

But my experience was that everyone is supportive of each other. Not that everyone is not with stand-up, but I do think, like, you know, with improv, everyone's clapping all the time after you finish. And, like, everyone, like, wants you to do better and they all help each other. And I do think, obviously, is like that in stand-up. I also think your friends laugh at you when you bomb in the back. You know what I mean? So there's a little, and you're also on your own when you do stand-up.

You know, you're not working with other people. I personally like to be doing stand-up better. I like to, you know, be on my own and not have to, like, rely on someone else on stage with me and, you know, just do that. It's funny because when I got here, I thought about going to one of those places. Like, just going to just a sea. and then somebody, I think it was Paul Mooney, was like, you're crazy. Don't go down there with those people.

Those people who whacked up with the education you're getting here. But I always believed in, like, the more broader you were, the better you'd be at stand-up. Just if you just go touch it. And then the Improv Olympic opened up around the corner from me where I lived in Hollywood. And I took a few classes in there. And I think midway through the second class,

I'm like, I'm not coming here no more. Like I had just going to fuck this, because they used to have a stand-up show at Improv Olympic. This is going back 2006, 2005, 2004. And I kid you not, guys. They had an improv. It was an Improv Olympic was an improv school. On Hollywood and Coenga down the corner, they used to be an improv school.

But on Friday night, somebody talked them into doing stand-up at 11 o'clock. And I got to tell you something. I've been to the store. I've been to the Laugh Factory and I've been to the Ice House and the Improv and Hollywood, and all those years and I saw industry nights, what they called industry nights. I had never seen so many agents like I did that night at the Improv Olympic.

And I don't know what they were there to see. Yeah. Like there was nothing outrageous there. And I remember walking in there like, you're like number eight. And when I went up, it was like, thank God a fucking stand-up. Like people were clapping. Like, they thought I was a magician.

They thought like I was like Jesus. Yeah. When I walked off, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And when I stayed to watch, it was like improv kids trying to do stamen. I have nothing against nobody. But it was just a god-awful show. Right. And I'm like, why are all these fucking agents here that made sense?

That's where they go. They can't be at the improv watching fucking real comedy or the comedy store. They got to come here to watch these kids. And at the Improv Olympic, I noticed there was a lot of rich kids that go there with a dream. They don't work. They don't do nothing. They just come here.

They watch Santa Live. I think they tell their parents, like, listen, we want to give it a shot in Hollywood. And the parents are, okay, you got a year on the credit card. But if you don't make it, then you've got to come back and work at the fruit stand or something. There was a lot of those type of guys. Like, they would always go,

I got six months to make something happen. You're like, I've been here for nine years. Nothing's happened. How's it going to happen? What the fuck are you looking for in six months? So I always had a weird way of looking at those places. I thought it was, I think that the more classes you took in your head, the better you got at something, but I don't really agree with that.

I think the more you get on stage, the more you learn. Like, every time you get on stage, you should walk off the stage with something. Like, I made a mistake there. I'll keep that in mind. I made a mistake there. It's like when you go work at a deli the first time, you don't get good until you cut four your fucking fingers off. You know, if you get stitches one time on that slicer and shit and all that.

You know, it's the same thing with comedy. It's, it's, it's, you could study it and read about it all you fucking want. And you could watch stand up all the fuck you want. But it's one of those things that you have to get on stage constantly. Absolutely. Why do you think? Something that I've noticed since I started is that improv and stand up are very, like, it doesn't seem like they're connected, but I've done 18 shows where they, they do improv based off of your material. Yeah.

Or I've had improv people coming to open mics. And it seems very different because... Well, there is improv and stand-up. Right. There's people who could go up there and just wing it. Like, I could go up there and wing it if you'd like. If you want me to go up there and wing it, I'll go up there and wing it every night. Right.

What you're going to get is if I do six sets, three of them are going to be fucking superb, and the other three are going to go, I'm never going to rip the ticket up and never go watch stand-up again. Okay. So I could go up there and improv with the best of them. I go up there fresh off the cuff and talk about all the shit we do here. Like when we're talking, I say all that shit and the craziness. Right. I can go up there.

And I'll tell you, if I do six of those sets, three of them will be tremendous. But the other three will be so fucking bad that you'll never want to see stand-up again. So I can't take that chance anymore. Right. When I first started, I learned how to improvise it. When I first started in Boulder, I tried to be Louis Lamour. We all try to be writers. but I realized that I couldn't write five minutes every fucking Tuesday.

Like, no matter, I could write three minutes from Tuesday to Tuesday, but five or seven minutes unless I improvised, and then the guy would always tell me, do 10. I can't fucking do 10 minutes. I'm pumped that I had to write. These are the same. The reason why I had to do new material every week is because the same people. It was the same people who came to this comedy thing.

It was Mooches who came. They would pay $14.99 for Prime Rib. And a bowl of shrimp and all that shit, and then they get a comedy. ticket. So when you walked up on stage, you had to get them out of the steak. Like, they were there to eat the steak. They weren't there for you. They were there for $14.95 for the steak. So I would have to go up there first. And I bombed for so long that in my mind, if I just made them lift their head from the steak, that was an applause. So I had to give them new material,

but I shortly, after about six or seven months, I realized, you know what? Fuck this material shit. I'm just going to come up here and fuck with them. So for 18 months, I did go. great as a stand-up. I relied on my improv skills, which I've been improvising all my life. But when it comes to nitty-gritty, that improvising didn't come back to me. There's times I got like a set list of 40 minutes and you go on stage in the 20-minute mark, you improvise for 10 and you're like, oh shit, that I could pull off. But there still has to be the foundation still has to be there. I just can't go out. And in New York, when you start in New York, you pick up a bad habit. That's 12 people. That's a bad habit.

You mean crowd work? Yeah. Really? In New York, everybody does crowd work. Oh. And that's where I really got into that bad habit. I call groundwork, crowd work. Like when you get a rebound and instead of putting it back up, you dribble the ball,

and then you go up. Now you got five guys on you. When you dribble the ball, it's a magnet. The ball is a magnet. So if you put it down, fight, and it's a hard habit to break, getting a rebound. Instead of grabbing it and putting it back up, getting a rebound, that's what talking to the,

audience is because when you come to LA you can't talk to the audience first time an agent goes to see you oh well you start fucking around with the audience they'll walk right out right that's when you can see an amateur LA guy and a professional LA guy when people move to town from other like Texas it's chatty a lot of comics that work Texas they're chatty and New York City is definitely chatty they go right up on stage how y'all doing tonight great they have a beer in their hand they're cool then they put the beer down and they take the mic what do you do sir?

Oh, you're an electrician, you've been together and then they work it from that. Some people are brilliant at it. Some people are phenomenal, but you're going to have rough nights. And there's some nights that people are like, you know what, we really came to see stand-up. And the roughest one I ever saw was he kept asking the same three questions

because he wasn't getting the answers he wanted and it was like 20 minutes and like people around were like, what's happening? No, that's what I'm saying. I'm like when you have a real show you can't talk to people and then you have to when you learn when you're at the store you'll learn quick that you can't talk to people because unless you're Rick Well four people even do it anymore I don't think he does he does but a lot of people don't like fucking with Rick because of that reason because when you follow Rick Now that gives those people permission to talk to you Mm hmm so you want to be a headline and do it that's good

but like as a feature I used to do it the headliners pull me aside and we talk to you for a second stop talking to it. Because now they think they got the right to talk to me. Right, because it opens it up. They think it's a whole like Q&A thing. So go to the store and watch somebody go up that does that Rick, like Rick Ingram is good. Oh yeah, he's great at it.

He's been doing it for a long time. But if you ask Rick, pull him aside and go, Rick, a lot of comments complaining about you were doing that, a couple of them don't like it. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, a couple of them don't like it because you're talking to the audience. Now, every comic that comes up here, some fucking idiot's going to say something.

So that's the school of thought that when you start, I want you to improvise. When you're at the fourth wall or flappers or whatever the fuck you do open mics, improvise. I'd rather you improvise. I wouldn't put up with that shit. Yeah. I wouldn't put up with that going and saying the joke and the joke dying. It's going to die. It's 18 comics in the room.

You might as well improvise. Right. They work on that muscle. just go up their cult. That shit you wrote is not going to go over at these open-minded players. So why are you doing it? You're not going to get those

the real gauge of those jokes and you're in front of a live audience. So I'd rather you bring a tape recorder and just start talking. Just start talking. And are those three minutes or five that they give you, you're going to have a minute of pearls. And go on and write it down,

and go on and write it down. And go on and listen and write it down. And at the end of the week, that's why they call it working out. You're just talking. I'd rather go up there and take a chance and talk. Like I'd do it at the ice out. then go up there with jokes that I wrote

and the try. Because I'm going to be fucking I'm going to be thinking of those words. I'd rather just talk and then afterward Chelsea has said that line you said was really good, write that down and you'll say that line you said

was really good to write that down. Because I think it's a little different because with improv it's a lot of, it's not even crowd work, it's they ask for suggestions. Yeah, well you're creating a scene. It's different from like, because you're not stand-up is obviously writing jokes and like performing them on stage stand-up is going up with several people and doing a scene it's it's like a whole different it's weird i saw someone do a one person improv and i'm like this is the worst thing i've ever seen just by yourself it's uh

UCB and groundlings has great shows though you know there's a lot of really talented people up there for sure well there's a lot of people who like is that the way to go If you were going to move here as an actor and like I want to be the next movie store. Like it seems like a lot of the comedic actors come from those places. They might not be stand-ups, but they come from that. A lot of actors do stand-up because they think now, right? Which is like because they think that's the thing to do right now. Or they got me-toed. Yeah.

Or it's like a whole, you know, so a lot of people just do that stuff to get famous or to put it on their, you know, a lot of actors are told, do an improv class, put it on your resume. That's what people like to see when you audition for stuff. They like to. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't, I don't, I just don't. Like, I think I look back now with the 22 years I've been in town

and all the fucking scams I thought about doing, like in L.A., like all the stupid shit, because they're all scams. Like what? Like acting classes and breathing and motivational and all that shit's just a scam. You know, you think about all the scams that they run out there and what these poor kids come out of, college and come out here with their parents hard-earned dollar and they give it to joe schmoe stand-up school the guy's never got a spot in fucking town you know what I'm saying guys never done a spot in

fucking town or they go to an acting coach and just ask for the first day can I see your resume let me see your resume I understand you could be like Phil Jackson Phil Jackson was a horrible fucking basketball player but he ended up being one of the best coaches of all time I understand that happens but like I knew an acting guy that was an acting coach I saw him one time act on the TV show and it was fucking horrendous. It was fucking horrendous. I was at some people's houses. Like, oh, while I'm here, my buddy's gonna be on Coke case night.

This had to be 10 years ago. And I put the episode on and it was God awful. And this guy today is in charge of like a Misena school somewhere. Oh, really? Yeah, like he's the director of the school. And I'm like, give that fucking money. I mean, he's a nice guy. Yeah, he's a nice guy.

But what can he teach? right he's booked two guest stars in 30 years I got a fucking pet monkey that could book two guest spots in two years you know if you go on a hundred auditions you're gonna book something yeah right in 20 fucking years I never even my wife did acting for a year she booked fucking international something with a billboard so if you stay in town long enough and you audition you'll get something somebody will fucking hire you because you know commercials all you need to is to fog up the bottom of glass there's no yeah no real talent you and booking a fucking commercial.

When you see a guy, I got a fat guy, and he's wiggling with a tire around his stomach, and it says fucking, you know, pens oil, whatever the fuck. You know, did he go to improv school to learn how to wiggle? Do you bring a coach at you to go, okay, when you wiggle, breathe and let the tire go around and you snow? You just put the fucking tire. I did this as a kid, like, oh, what are those?

Hula hoops. Hula hoop. It's like a fucking hula hoop only heavier, you know? but people really want to have their hands held in this town. Like they really do. I never, I don't know, I just never, when I went to Improv Olympic, and then I went to the store after that Improv Olympic experience,

I said, that's it. That's why Mitzie calls it at a university. That's why you go from the belly room to like a paid, unpaid regular, that a paid regular. There was a system. There was a system. And if you want to work there as a doorman, You got work there as a doorman, too,

to help with the fucking bills or whatever. There were so many options that they gave. You're just sitting in the back and watching. It's incredible. It's incredible. Just sitting in the back. Like, go do your spots every night. Go do your spots.

Go do your 8 o'clock and stand online and flap and then jump up and down at some Mexican room in Lionsgate or whatever. That's called whatever the fuck off the five, where all these guys used to do it. Not on the way home, you're just going to go home and watch TV anyway. Go get part. By that time, 12 o'clock, there's tons of meters on the fucking sunset. You go sit in the back of the room.

I could tell you a comic that I worked with as a fucking host in Myrtle Beach. And he told me, when he was hosting, he goes, I'm moving to L.A. You're at the store and I go, yeah, come by and say hello. When you say it to somebody, you're like, what are his chances coming by and saying hello? Well, that motherfucker came by and said hello, like, I'm like, I'm like. And then you're like, what the fuck are you doing here? And guess what? And guess what?

Yeah. He never came to me and asked me for nothing. He'd go, can you get me a seat inside? And he would just wait and wait and wait. I watched him for a year at night. I'd get off the original and he's two little eyeballs and be in the back. In those days, there was only eight people.

There wasn't no 600 people on a Tuesday night. It was eight people, so I'd always see him. And after six months, he got a dog job at the comedy store, then I saw him on stage. And that guy's Jason Lucas. Oh, yeah. Lucas, you know, and now he's married, doesn't do stand-up much he's editing,

but for a year I saw Jason, and I would go, Jason, don't you work? And he goes, I got to be at work at seven. But I come and watch Mooney every night, you, yeah, like his, he'd come there like a quarter, 11 o'clock, 1130, he'd sit there to 1. It's just sit in the back. Yeah, it's been an incredible education working there

and just getting to watch people every night, you know, for five years. Who haven't you seen? I can't. You saw Dice, Chappelle. I've seen everyone. You've seen Margaret Cho. Yeah. Silverman.

Yeah. I can't think of who, no one like off the top of my head. I can't think. Yeah. It's incredible. No, it's, and that's why I like that. I like watching. Like, I hate going to the comedy store and I sit down and people want to bother me.

When I'm sitting at Missy's row, I'm fucking high as far. And I'm just watching stand-up guy. Yeah. I'm getting into their act. Like I'm getting sucked in by them. You know, when you watch a missy's, you know, When you watch a special on Netflix, it's funny, but you're not getting sucked in.

It's not the same. You're not getting sucked in. Yeah, you got to watch it live. You're not getting sucked in. And I knew nothing. Like, before I got on stage, I watched zero stand-up live. Zero. From 50 yards, I saw Dave Chappelle and that black dude in 1982

at Washington Square Park when there'd be a circle around Dave Chappelle. Really? And the other guy that he started, the main guy was Charlie Barnett. That was the main guy. But Chappelle would be his. his understudy he was like 15 when you talk to chapelle next time bring up charlie barnett his eyes lied up that's his mentor wow charlie barnett was supposed to be on a saturday live bennie murphy took his spot because charlie couldn't read but if charlie could read there'd be no any murphy

yeah that's how good charlie was in fact he was just on the other night i was strolling to the channels and that movie was on and i was he came on for a bit and i had to leave and i laughed my ass off I forget what he's on a movie with Mr. T. And it was on like BETTia the night, late night. No, it was like 8.30, quarter of nine. And I asked my wife, I go, stop that for a second. DC Cab?

DC Cab. I haven't heard of that. And I laughed my ass off watching him. Remember Mr. T, but Charlie Barnett was the one that was supposed to be the next big thing. He died of HIV and everything. He was the real deal. Wow. He was a junkie.

He was a fucking HIV. But he was. Yeah, he was a heroin guy. And he was the one that, you know, would let, I guess Dave Chappelle would come up from D.C. to New York on the weekends or every day. And Charlie Barnett would just go, you know, Watson Square Park is he would just go off there.

Like there was those little arches? The arches, right by the arches there. You know that there's dead bodies buried under Washington Square Park? It used to be, did you know that? No. Yeah, it used to be like a, it used to be a cemetery. There's like thousands of dead bodies buried under Washington Square Park. But it hadn't be a cemetery like in 1700.

Yeah, but still. It's gross. Because in my hometown, there's thousands of cemeteries. Really? Like my hometown, Northburg and New Jersey, right over the bridge there, right over the tunnel. They had tons of cemeteries. And I remember if you take the fence by the projects,

by 68th Street, there used to be a fence, and they would cut you through to 46th Street. so we would take that fence. One night I'd take a shit in a funeral in the cemetery. It was the night Freddie Prince died. And I had to take a shit. This is how old. I'm an old man.

People know Freddie Prince Jr. I'm talking about Freddie Prince Senior. He killed himself like in 77, 78, 79. One of those years, he killed himself. And I was walking home. And I remember going, man, I got to take a shit. And it was fucking freezing out. And I pulled my pants down, but I doubled.

checked on the grave because I go, what if this guy just got buried? Yeah. Would you wipe out flowers? Bags. There was a bunch of brown bags that people had, I took as many as I could. It was fucking freeze and I was a kid,

eighth grade. I didn't know. And I pulled my pants to the front and I shit, but I peed in my pants. Oh my God. So when I went to put the pants back on, they were frozen. No.

I had a walk home. How long was that walk? Ooh, 20 minutes, 30 minutes. It felt like an hour. But when I looked at the, it wasn't even a tombstone. It was two sticks put together. But they had been like finished. Like it was good wood.

And it said like 1822 to 1899. I'm like, what do I give a fuck? He doesn't have any visitors? He hasn't had visitors in fucking year. Yeah. They had one part of a cemetery that was really old. But then there's another building, what they built on. And they said there was a cemetery underneath and the buildings having problems now.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, they have a lot of problems. In L.A. or New Jersey? Yeah. New Jersey right there. Creepy. Because all those things along the river are like with George Washington, Fort the Indians.

Like if you go to Fort Lee, the other side of the bridge is where you're from. Yeah, Westchester. Westchester. The Westchester. The other side of the bridge. If you go on that Fort Lee bridge and you walk off, George Washington and you go underneath, there's a park. Have you ever been to that park?

There's a little stroll park there. They have all the cannons and cannon balls from George Washington. Oh, I think I went there on a class trip maybe. Yeah. You have to walk up that hill. You walk under the bridge and you cross the street. You cross not Pat the Pass and Plank Road. You cross whatever that's River Road.

Where Riverdale is. River Road. But is that Riverdale? No, Fort Lee. Okay. It's in Fort Lee, New Jersey. The bridge is in Fort Lee. No, no, mind.

So right underneath there is where there's a little trail and you can eat lunch at the top. And they have those things where you can put quarters in. Yeah. The city and shit. They have like three of them. What are those called again? Bonaculous Where haven't you

You have a story of shitting Yeah but I didn't take a shit In the Fort Lee thing I went to Fort Lee To smoke a joint I would walk back from the bridge And then walk underneath It'd be a sunny day

And you could go up there Roll a joint And just smoke And look at the New York skyline Where's the weirdest place You took a shit? I haven't yet I don't think I've shit out shot

I don't believe that I almost shit I came close Once in a John's grocery store John's Yeah I almost I almost, I had to like, you know, when you're walking and you have to stop walking for a few minutes, just pretend like you're looking at something. Like in the middle of an aisle. That was the worst. In the middle of an aisle? Yeah, I had to, like, it was like, if I move, I'm going to shit. That was the worst one that I can think of. But I, I, I was a kid. I had a bed wedding problem. So I, I went beds. I never did all the time. I went beds for a couple years. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? You never did ever. No, isn't that weird? I couldn't go to sleepovers. Aw, that sucks.

How old are you when you stopped? 13, something like that. No shit. I wouldn't drink at night. It was terrible. Do you still when you drink? No. Well, I don't drink that much, but it's been a few years.

It's been every once. Like, I've had the dreams once where you think you're going to, like, oh, and then you wake up and then there's pee. But it's been like, I had a plastic mattress for a while as a kid. It was not good. Did you ever beat you for pain? No. That'll take it away.

Have you ever hooked up with a squirder? Yes, once. But you weren't bothered by it. I loved it. Yeah. Because you felt... Yeah. You had something in common.

No, I didn't know what's going to happen. So it just... Did you drink the squirt juice? No, I didn't drink. No, it just... I'm not going to do the joke I have about it, but it just came out onto the sheets. Yeah.

And then we only hooked up, I think, uh, that one time. But I would love... I would love if I knew, I would love to do a girl who squirited. That would be great. But you wouldn't drink the juice anyway. I'm not going to drink it like with a straw, but if it comes out. While you're fingering of a pussy, it squirts at you. You open your mouth like a water fountain.

Like hummus is coming in. You treated everything like you treat hummus. You'd be in good shape. You know that? If you eat ass and ate pussy like that, you, first of all. Ass is disgusting. I'm with you.

I'm not into eating ass. I were like the only people. I love it. So is hummus. No, it's not. Are you? She's married. She don't need to eat ass no more.

I know. He wants me too. I'm scared. She don't need to eat that. Yeah, but she might want her ass eaten. I don't. It tickles. Thank you.

She loves. I don't know about that. That makes even worse. Every woman loves a tongue in their asses. I don't. I swear I don't. They feel special. You put two finger Louie and their pussy.

You look that asshole. It's brand new. They're like, okay. I can live with this. Don't tickle that much. Yeah, I don't know. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Yeah, no, thank you. I don't want to. That's disgusting. But squirder would be awesome. I had a weird one. It didn't spray. It kind of just was like... Like the chicken dirt?

The chicken, I didn't see that. No, why would you watch that? You were too busy watching orange as the new purple. Like in dirt. Like in dirt, when Tommy Lee's eating the girl. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He gets all those people to his point. Yes.

The chick just sits down. He starts eating the pussy. He's like, guys, you're ready? You ready? He pulls his head away. He just starts fucking shooting water out of the pussy at a party. at a party. That's a great party.

I like a fucking party. So it's pretty amazing. I've never done it. Like squirted? Yeah. I don't think I can. Can you become a squirder? I don't know.

Well, okay. So you know how there's like these sex parties in L.A.? There's this place called Sanctum. Have you ever heard of it? Yeah, I quickly told us about it. Oh, of course she did. I went to one when I first moved here just to like check it out. And a cop came to like check out like the room.

And we were in a room with like, of the cops and like some other people and I was like oh yeah I can't squirt and the cop the cop was like I'll I'll bet that you can and he tried to like finger me in front of like a couple of people there it was crazy but it didn't work but I think it's weird that the the cop who was on duty like came there to participate are you sure he was just not a guy in like a fake costume or something probably that's hysterical what is a sex party like like is that a good it was lame really yeah it It was first of all, like, no one there was hot.

And half the people were masks and the other half should have been. Like, and it was like, everyone was just like trying to be cool. It was like a wannabe eyes wide shut kind of thing. But yeah, like there was people who were like having sex in one room. But it was very theatrical and it felt like very forced. And like there was like another girl who was wearing a horse mask who was fucking a girl with a strap on. who had a Marie Antoinette costume on. It was like trying too hard.

Yeah, that sounds like a mushroom trip. That sounds like it was weird, but it was an experience. You know, that's only one I ever went to. Yeah, in LA. Yeah. Now, what was the one in New York City? Yeah, was Playdow's Retreat. Oh, I haven't, I've been to one called.

That was when you were 10. Yeah. That was when you were 10, that shit. That's that, that's a creepy name though. It's always some weird name. When I was growing up, it was Plato's Retreat. I never went there. Yeah.

I'm not going to tell you, I went there. I never went there. never went there but I heard and it was creepy like I heard some friends of mine that were animals that just wasn't for them that's not big when I'm from that sex clubs and all that shit like people were just like what the fuck I've always I've been to two sex things and nobody was good looking right no one's home there and you think I went to a new beach one time oh god where nobody Jamaica yeah I mean nobody nobody was there that you want to see naked you even turned your head.

Sometimes you were like, Jesus. It was a movie, but I quit. I just said, I can't. I can't. This is disgusting. It was a nudist. They shot, this movie I did was a legit movie, but they shot it at a nude resort.

Huh. What was that? You're eating breakfast. So I'm driving in. I just get picked up at the airport, and it looks like a bomb in it. This town. Yeah.

There's these chickens, they're skinny. The McDonald's had, like, no burgers. Like, they had a sign of, said no burgers. I don't know what the fuck was going on. So it's on McDonald's. It was a horrible place. And I spent one night.

That night I heard a bunch of fucking, when I got there, I can't lie to you guys. I was a little excited. Yeah. Like I go, maybe somebody to suck your dick or something. Right.

There was nobody there that you wanted to touch your dick. Yeah. Never mind suck it. I think the idea of all of those kind of places are so much better than when you actually get there. Right. Because you want it to be like a movie. like some hot fucking thing and everyone's good looking

and they're all doing crazy stuff. But then it's just like lame weird people. Yeah, I guess you already have you. If you're good looking, you're already having sex. Josh Wolf had a bar in Seattle. Lobo Loco. That's how I got to show you something. Mind me to tell you.

I'll show you something. So Josh Wolf had a bar that he ran that was called Lobo Loco. And on Wednesday nights, they had pervert night or whatever. Fetish night. Okay. And you paid me 50 bucks

to stand outside and check IDs and shit. And I would never go downstairs. Like the bar was the bar and this was downstairs. And one night there was somebody and I went downstairs and it was hard.

What did you see? I saw a chick that had to be 25 pounds heavier than I am right now with a pierce clip, like a clip pierced with like fucking, like a, it was like an inch roller.

And I mean nobody. I'm not trying to be rude or mean. I'm just trying to be honest. Nobody, you watch Dices for a special. No. When he goes, I'm looking at by the wall. She's holding it up. Nobody's ever thought of fucking her.

She walks over with a trim little mustache and her sideburns. That was what this girl looked like. She had sideburns. Like some girls look cute and they have like their head down. She really had like sideburns. She had hair on her neck She had a pussy looked like it had been shot Yeah

A fucking cannonball It was huge And these guys were like kissing her neck And they were like putting like fucking Aerosol cans and a pussy Whoa really? Yeah it was a fetish Fucking her out

The long Like women's Awkwinnate It was like long tube But the thinner ones like The shaving cream Barbisol Gel

Gel one the skinnier one they're putting it in the gel in or the bottle the bottle of it yeah yeah they're just rubbing it in her pussy and she was loving it guys were dirty the chick was filthy her feet they were had it on top of a pool table it's like they walked her from fucking oregon the Seattle her feet were black you know it just none of that shit really turns me on man I could see a girl that's pretty with dirty feet that's kind of cute yeah yeah I know exactly what you're talking about. The heels are a little dirty.

Yeah. This chick's feet were just dirty. Yeah. And all these white guys were around the sucking of flappy tits. Like she had a kid somewhere in her life. Oh my God. It was just terrible. Yeah.

And then me, Tripoli, Jason Tebow at the store. A guy came in one night and he offered us a bunch of money to shoot, Girls Gone Wild. Uh-huh. Only it was something different. It was like, girls go fucking crazy. Yeah. I think it was me, Triply, Tebow, Duncan, Duncan,

and we had to go somewhere in the hills. They wouldn't let us take our phones. We had to drive up there, like, they had to pick us up, and we were going to stick at the first bus, back was at 9. So they wanted stand-up, a stand-up, music, and fucking. Live fucking while you're on stage.

And it was. You can make them laugh. Who's listening to the fucking set? It was something. And the end, they hired professional models, white girls. Escorts. No. White girls.

Okay. That thought they were going to shoot a movie. Whoa. So the girls got up there. They were like, what's going on? And all of a sudden, this fucking pig's getting fucked. This guy's hit on a diving board. So we're all, there's a hut.

There's a pool that's gorgeous. It's like, you know, what's up here? Like when you go into Laurel Canyon, that side street, I got to pass it to. Mulholland? Moholland. There was up there with white people, rich. You know, nice house. They had rented it from somebody for the day, like some couple.

Oh, my. Go to Malibu. We're just going to have like a little party and film it. No. They filmed this fucking disgust fest. Now I'll never forget that. Again, you're anxious. You're like, let's see what these porno chicks look like.

And awesome was sitting there talking. I was sitting there talking. I was, and we look over and this dude is fucking this chick. He's a three. She's a six. Yeah. She's not a 10, but she's a six. But do you want me to tell what the creepiest thing was?

Her husband was three feet from. Yeah, I don't like that. And he's like going, fuck a good. Fuck a good. Put in her fucking mouth. You, come here. Put in her fucking ass. And the wife.

And then afterward, after she'd been come on and spit on and fucked, they're like hanging out, like swap and spit. She's naked. He tried to take his clothes off. People like put the jacket. It's a different world. It's not, you know, we talk about stories here, shit that happens to the comm you store somebody sucks your dick somebody eats your pussy that's one thing but to live in that

fucking world it's just something else like everything's real cool no it's not cool she's 400 pounds it's it's not cool she deserves to be somewhere off drop her off at the la zoo she's don't deserve to be you know what I'm saying like people don't want to see that some people yeah but the funny thing was there was a girl there that was really pretty and when I was on stage I was looking at her face when she heard my stand up and all these ugly people around her fucking. She was like from UC Berkeley. Like if I had a picture her, she had grown up

in a nice family, they had money. She probably never got fingered until she was 19. You know, she nuts. Like she sucked dick, but afterwards she takes the hair out and she cries and that's not what she wanted to do with her life is give a blow job. It's such a backstory from

just seeing her. I love it. Just from seeing her, I could tell. Because she was looking at me with hating her eyes. And then she would look around at the couple You know, there was people fucking on trampolines. Wow. By six, seven. That's hard.

By six or seven o'clock, there was probably six or seven couples fucking. I'm not saying that I'm Mel Gibson or some looking. Nobody did you want, like you look over and watch them fucking go. Oh, God. Like, it was just disgusting. So you did stand up in the daytime and there were people fucking? We did stand. We did a set to open up the show.

Then like a band came for a while and people were fucking during the band. and we had like a three-hour breather. And then we had a do our show like at seven. Oh my God. And then after that we were free their whole night. They just they gave us 20 joints apiece. Wow. A thousand bucks a piece.

But it wasn't worth it. Like what I saw will stay with me forever. Yeah. It was just disgusting. Like, I don't know. I'm crazy and Buck Wild, but that was really never one of my world. Yeah. I went to a party at Sasha Gray.

You know Sasha Gray? I know the name. She used to be a pretty big porn star. And I went to a party at her house in the hills. And there was just like 10 of us, 15 of us. And it was a couple porn stars and some like dudes from Italy. And it was chill. And then one of the girls who was one of the porn stars,

they had like a homemade Sibyan machine, which is, you know, like a motorized like dildo that just like goes like that. And then they convince one of the girls to just get on the floor at the party. It was just like everyone was normal until, you know, brought out the machine and then they all couldn't handle it and then she was just like getting fucked in front of all of us at the party and then they turned on the strobe light and it was just weird especially like 10 people that's you it was weird and i don't know and her boyfriend was there too and he was just like that i actually just got hit up hit up on tinder by a woman in her in her

profile says i'm married like but i'm polyamorous i'm like she wants that means she wants to have you over with her husband I would never go to whether her husband. That's what I'm worried about. It's like I don't want a husband to get mad and like find out where I live. He probably wants to watch. That sounds disgusting. That'd be nice.

Watch Lee doing this thing with his little red face. I'm not going to eat her ass. He would go eat her ass and you go, no, I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to. Yeah. You know, I love you because of your stand now. I love that you're a hustler.

That night at the store, you got me a lot of trouble. when I put you up when I was hosting that night. Really? Girls got mad at me. Are you talking about potluck? Yeah. Yeah. I only did it once.

That's ridiculous. That was the worst night of my life. Those girls aren't funny. Sorry. I'm not naming names, but. They were just, there's one of them that still to this day won't talk to me. Yeah,

but those girls are crazy. And they're not like comics. You know what I mean? It was crazy. Like, yeah. Back in the old time, you know, Mitchie told you.

Like, I would just blame it on Mitchie. Yeah. No. Like Mitzie said, no, this is who she wants. And they would go, fuck. You know, that night was like, hey, you got to put a girl up. I go, I'm putting girls up. And then when I started putting girls up, guys got mad at me.

Hey, you're putting too many girls up. Really? Yeah. And then it was like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, am I running this fucking thing? Who's running this thing? And there were just names coming out everywhere. No, no, no, no. You can't put him up.

You got to put her up. You know what? I don't want none of this bullshit. Potluck is crazy. Potluck is crazy. For those of you who don't know, potluck is every Monday night. used to be Sundays too at the store and that's when all the employees and friends and family go up to, you know, like 40 comics.

But there's always people that are hovering over the host and like people always get mad. Every time, like I've hosted three times, I think. There's always someone who's going to be mad at you. You just have to ignore it and fucking enjoy your night and, you know. One thing I like about you, I like that you're married. I like that you're beautiful. Thank you. I like that you're funny.

You have all this stuff for you. but then you have some edge to you. I do. Like, you're the real fucking deal. Yeah. You don't throw a rough patch in your life. And you help people out and you get very sweet. And I've heard that about you, like, more than once.

Really? Yeah, like, they're like, bro, she's the real deal. Have you heard about it? I'm like, no. Nothing tells me nothing. I've had a crazy life. And then you were talking about the Coke. So now and so.

Because I never thought you even did drugs. I've never seen in a negative light whatsoever. Like, you know, you've always been smiley. You know, then I knew you were dating Randolph. for a while and I'm like, that's the best looking cup I've ever said. I was called my wife. Thank you. Yeah.

There's a cup at the store, the best cooking couple I was doing my fucking life. She's like, who is he? And I saw you guys online. Like, wow, she's working with me. I show it the, then you posted something. She goes, she is pretty. Aw. And what do you see a fucking husband?

He's gonna look at him. We were dying. I go, you know, because I know your husband from two jitsu school. I know, yeah. He said that you guys used to, what is it called? Rowe. I don't know.

Your husband's a great guy. Yeah. When did you get crazy? How old were you? my whole life. I was always like very hyper. I started drinking when I was 10. You know, any brothers and any sister? I had an older brother, two years older than me. But I, I don't know. I just like was like a crazy kid. I was always very wild. I always got in trouble at school. I was always in the principal's office. Like starting in second grade,

like you know how Santa Claus visits the school and you have an assembly for Christmas. When I got on his lap, I pulled his beard off and I screamed to everybody. He's fake. He's fake. He's fake because I I want to ruin Christmas like I was crazy from the start from elementary school what your parents think I was just always going to the principal's office and they were disappointed in me so then I was like okay well I'm a bad kid so I'm going to keep being a bad kid this is what I am and I you know and I just didn't I truly did not give a fuck and I'm you know in the best sense like I'm just trying to get back to that place on stage now you know what I mean because I feel like when you're younger you truly do not give a fuck.

And I really was that way. You know, I was class clown and all that. And then like I got cute, you know, when I was like 15 and people started treating me different. So I started kind of like, you know, putting it on a little bit. And like my persona changed a little bit. But I've always had like a hard edge, you know, started smoking weed when I was 12. I smoked weed every day until I got sober when I was 26.

No pills, you said. I didn't really like pills. I liked Coke. I actually got sent away to boarding school when I was 15 in Switzerland for doing Coke too much at school. So they're like, we'll just send you away. But they sent me to Europe where there's no drinking age. So I would just buy Coke off the street from people. In Switzerland, they sell Coke on the street.

They wrap it up in plastic wrap and they keep it in their mouth. And you go up to people and you're like, Bamba, Bamba, which is Coke. in an Italian and I was there. You copped coconutly. Yeah, all the time. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I was, I got alcohol poisoning in Switzerland and like fell out of like a boat in like the middle of a lake and like had to be rescued by people.

I was always like, I don't know, I was just always getting fucked up and crazy and I was a stripper for three years. Where? Which was crazy. I started in Hawaii and then I finished in New York and. How was that? It was fucking crazy. It was crazy.

And I was like partying really hard. And my dad's friend caught me doing it in New York. Two separate times my dad's friend. Like one guy was like recognized me at scores. And I was like, please don't tell my dad. And he was like, this is so sick. He was like, if you give me a dance, I won't tell him. And then when I took off my dress, he goes, you look just like your mom.

Isn't that fucked up? Yeah. And then the other guy told my dad who caught me his other friend. Because it was like, you know, I lived in New York and everyone, New York City is big, but it's small. What years were this? This was. Well, everybody goes to scores. Yeah.

Except me. I've never been to scores. Oh, really? I've never been to scores. Yeah. Now they have Scores West. That was on Scores West. The old one used to be on the Upper East side where all the mafia shit was going on.

And then I think Mayor Giuliani shut that down for a while. And yeah, they showed it down completely. They moved it to the west side. And then what opened up in that place was Sapphires on the east side. Little scores history. But it's crazy that I did that because people hear that today and they're like, really? You did that? Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm a completely different person today. But I definitely. How are you completely different than when you were 21? You're 31 now, right? Because I talk about this in my act. Yes. When people change.

Completely different. People fucking change. Like, you know, I still know you're crazy. Yeah. But you're not that crazy, but it's still there. Like, I'm still crazy. I'm not crazy when I was 25 crazy. Yeah.

27 crazy, 30 crazy, but I'm still crazy. Yeah. How do you see your change from then? So, first of all, I completely led with my sexuality then. You know, I, you know, I was an overly. sexual person. I, you know, hooked up with like anyone, uh, you know, I'd go to parties like high on coke and like show people my boobs. You know what I mean? I was like that chick and stay up all night and like be high. And like all I did was go out to clubs and I wasn't working hard at all. You know,

I had dreams of wanting to, you know, be a writer, do stand up, be an actor, you know, all the things I'm pursuing right now. But I was just unable to accomplish those things because I was, I I was an addict. So I just, you know, my thing was just, you know, waking up and partying until the next day. And that was it. And I'd think about what I want to do and talk about it high on Coke. But I just, you know, basically had to burn out and hit hit a bottom, you know, with partying. And then once I was able to get sober, was I able to start focusing on the things that I feel like I was put on this earth to do, you know, my dreams in life.

and, you know, I had no ambitions when I was getting fucked up. I mean, I had things I wanted to do. I had dreams, but I was getting fucked up. It was impossible. Like, I was doing that. So, you know, I'm a very hard worker today. I don't lead with sexuality. I mean, when I first moved here, I did the dumbish.

Like, I used to do like all those, you ever see these girls who do these photo shoots on Instagram? Like, they wanted, like, just like these slutty photo shoots. Like, I, yeah, yeah, the big thing, like, it's like. It's a whole thing. They go to the gym and they do squats, but it's just like literally the camera's just on their ass. Yeah, it's like, it's like you, I'm like, I wanted to do comedy when I moved out here. But my friend was like, oh, if you do photo shoots with guys, you know, guys who have cameras, photographers. And then they like, you post the pictures, like, you'll get followers.

And I was like, oh, okay. So I thought I was taking these funny, sexy photos. But it's like, that's not how you fucking do, you know, that's not how you do comedy. You have to get on stage and write jokes But it's like you're doing all these other things thinking That's how you're gonna get ahead You just have to sit down and do the work And not be a fucking asshole

So I mean I it's like a complete 180 You know I had to grow up and grow out of all these things Well I mean There's a lot of guys who I think listen to the show Yeah And I'll then they might say oh Good problem to have but like What is it like being a pretty girl

Is there just so much stuff being thrown at you? And like, is it hard to almost like say, okay, let me actually do the work? Yeah. Well, to be honest, okay, so my whole life, you know, I was kind of like just a person who like smoked weed. I was like a tomboy growing up. But then when I got hot when I was 15 and people started treating me differently, I started acting differently. So I'd say from like 15 to like 25, like I was acting like a dumb slut.

And I can look back on that. that and say that and I'm disappointed but in myself but whatever it is what it is I have the awareness I've changed as a person I'm not like that it's all good I've been through lots of different phases in my life um but basically like you you know you just act like you're entitled you know you're used to getting free shit and you think you can do whatever act however like exactly what guys say that that that girl is hot she thinks she fucking can get everything for free yeah because she knows she can And I and I wrote that and you know and I was just like a party girl and

And I don't think that I think it's the way that you carry yourself if you don't carry your if You know if you have self-worth and self-respect people aren't going to treat you like that So I had to build my self-worth and self-esteem and you know self-respect for myself and stop dressing like a ho when posting crazy photos if I want to be seen as a comic and work hard hard and you know not flirt with fucking people for shit and just do the work and not expect anything and that's like where i've you know that's the huge change i've made of my life and the half and that makes it makes me happy to work for things i don't want to fucking get handed thing what was rock bottom i'd say well when i old were you how old were you when you think you hit rock bottom what was your well i'd say with getting sober i was

25, 26. Did you go to rehab? I didn't. And I wish I did, but my parents didn't fucking send me. And I'd be like, please send me. And they're like, no, just go to AA or, you know, 12-step programs. So that's what I did. I just started going to 12-step programs.

Was it harder for us to get sober? How long? How many times did you try and fail? A bunch. Yeah, I relapsed a bunch in the beginning because it's like, I didn't know you could not smoke weed and be sober. Or like, you can't take Xanax. So I had to kept restarting my sober date.

but my life started really changing and um and it's like you're giving you know for someone who's like an addict you're giving yourself a chance to finally live because you're not like living in reality when you're getting fucked for me at least when I'm getting fucked up all the time so you know being sober is like a completely different I'm like in the world sort of thing but yeah bottom was just I was just doing way too much coke if I had a sip of alcohol I had to have coke you know I mean the second the alcohol like hits your body I had that chemical that gets created do you know what I'm talking about yeah yeah yeah so I had to have coke and basically I was just doing too much of it and I felt myself physically breaking down from it like my heart would be racing a lot I was going in the hospital

a lot having to get my heart rate lowered and I was like I just can't do it anymore um and then the bottom with all that other shit was just like it just you know you do stuff until it just doesn't work anymore And then you're like, what the fuck am I dealing with my life? This is not the life I was meant to live. I want these other things. I have to make a change. Now, what did your dad say when your friend went to him? So bad.

I feel so bad. No, no, this is the shit. No, I know. I know. No, totally. He texted me and said, you just broke my heart. I told him, please don't tell my dad. And then I get a text at 4 a.m.

that says, you just broke my heart. and I just, you know, I went out and did coke all night. That's, you know, that's what I do. You know what I mean? But, you know, in sobriety, I made an amends to him, you know, in 12-step programs. You have to make amends to people. And I sat across from him in a room. And I said, I'm sorry for being a stripper and for putting you through all that stuff.

And, you know, it was actually like a really nice moment. When you make amends to people, some people, you don't know how people are going to react. And the people you don't think it's going to be a big deal. to it's always like the people who appreciate it the most and then you realize oh I put these people through so much shit and now it's like a living amends to you know I talked to my dad on the phone the other day and he said you know me and me and your mom were so proud of your work ethic you work so hard and like that's the person I am today and they like you know the daughter I was supposed to be for them kind of thing it seems like a phase you went through and then started out

of it yeah I went through a lot of phases it's so weird when I got on the prison I was clean you know and I joke around on the podcast this shit but I really gave it a go I'm not gonna lie to anybody I gave it like a 10 day go yeah and they they you had to go the groups in the halfway house the first week you weren't allowed to leave until you had meetings for jobs and shit like that and the only other thing you can leave for is for meetings so I got hip to that and I started going to I would go to meetings to lie to myself. I'm not going to lie to anybody.

I would just go to meetings and sit there and daydream and say, look at these fucking idiots. But I remember after the first week, somebody hugged me at a meeting. I started hugging people. And for the first time in a long time, I felt good. And I remember us, naturally, anytime somebody was good, we had to make a bet.

Like, as a Coke head, you got to make it bad. Like, when something is good, can't be. Like, we gotta ruin this shit. Hey, Joey, we've got to do this shit. We really like what you did today. Oh, fuck that. I got to come in late tomorrow to ruin that good guy image, you know. But I still remember leaving that.

Like, I had gone to, like, four meetings in a week, like four days straight. And it was because I had to take a bus to Boulder and take a bus back to North Boulder. I would see my girlfriend, or I would stop and see one of my friends. And, you know, I knew the bus, the routes. But I don't know, like, after four meetings, that Sunday, walking outside and going, that feels really good. You know, I'm really doing something.

something good with my life, but you know how that goes. Yeah. Then I was snort and going to the meetings. Right. Like I wasn't snort and going to the meetings. I wasn't that disrespectful. I would go to meetings to have an excuse to get high. And then on the way back from the meeting, I would get high,

and I feel really bad saying that today. But it's a true, you know, a lot of people go through those steps. There's a lot of people listen to the show that are going through those steps right now. Those first, it's really hard to fuck up in the beginning because you don't know what you feel like. You've never really had that feeling of just being totally sober. Like it's so weird. We fuck around in here from time to time. We'd have viking or something every six months or something.

But cocaine, I respect it now. Now I've watched all these shows over the years about Marcos and everything I suspected about the 80s was true. You know, this is all our government, fucking our own people. You know, they knew about the Coke. They knew it. You know, when they realized there was billions of dollars, They just became partners with these fucking guys.

And now people who grew up in the 80s, people grew up in the late 70s, there's a lot of people are fucked up. Whenever I talk to my friends in Jersey, we always end in that conversation. Like, you may not be working, bro, but you're not this guy. Like, for every 10 guys I went to school with, there's six people. Today, they're fucked up in their 50s.

Like, they've never recovered from that. They never recovered from that. And thank God. I stopped when I did. Like, thank God. Like 11 years ago, I stopped. Don't have, no rehab, no none. I just did the same thing you did.

I go, I can't, this can't keep happening. I was trying to stop for about two years. You know there's a rehab on sunset, right? Between the fucking smoothie place and LaBrea. Right across from Hollywood High School, there's a diamond there. And it's like an AA-type rehab facility. Uh-huh. It's outpatient.

Yeah, there's a bunch. Yeah, you could sign up. Like, I signed up. Yeah. I signed up. to that thing and went to like three meetings but they wanted too much like not money they wanted too much commitment from a guy like me to be sober and I was like fuck that yeah you know I'm still gonna get high once a week and how can you do AA and get a high you know what's like that

yeah our junkie fucking mind working you know but I'm happy you made amends with your parents like I look at my daughter and I'm like what the fuck she's fucking six last night she walked into karate and she told the karate teacher rock me like a hurricane And my daughter. Scorpion. Yeah, and she looks at me and the teacher. She goes, she gets this from you. And I go, no, I don't know where the fuck she heard that song, you know.

They got them in all these movies now. All these movies have music. The other day I was listening to fucking, I wasn't listening to it. I'm serious. So I have like, you know, Studio 54, Trunk Nation. I got a bunch of shit on there. And he had that that physical was on by Olivia Newton-John. That song came out in 1981.

She was singing in the back. At a light, I go, how the fuck do you know this song? And she goes, it's in one of my movies. I'll show you tonight. That night, sure enough, she showed it to me. It's some Monsters Inc. or something like that. Wow. She doesn't know it's Olivia Newton-John.

You don't know who the fuck it is. Yeah. But just the fact that she knows that song. But she knew Rock You Like a Hurricane. Yeah. Here I am. She's told the teacher, here I am. Rock you like a Hurricane.

That's so fucking funny. She looked at me. She gets this from me. I don't know where she got that from. To be in her mother's call. You can't talk in front of my daughter. She's a fucking parrot. She'll mimic whatever the fuck you say.

The end of the night I put a Bruce Lee movie on for her because we're going to Shin Yun this week. So she's all things China. That's how I got it to the Chinese restaurant last night. She's all things China. So the other night, I couldn't sleep from this fucking flu and I got up and I watched Bruce Lee had just started. I go, look, ain't this a bitch?

There's a perfect night. Bruce Lee's on, enter the dragon. And I was watching and they showed all the boats and shit. I go, I got to stop this right now and taped this. so I taped it for it and the next day we got home talking about China I got some point

I put the Bruce Lee movie on oh my God she went fucking ape shit kicking around there's a scene where she fights she's six and I just want

I take her the Muita over there because she got punched in the face yesterday first of all she lost two teeth this week she got no teeth over there she got the Dracula look and these two are about to go out

and one of them here is missing. She's lost six or seven so far. Yesterday the kid punched her right here and I could see her go down a little bit and she really wanted to cry. But I saw her Diaz take off her Valdez, not even the Diaz. She came in, block in the face, then she threw a fucking straight punch at his face and I go, that's De Valdez, that angle, that's the little, she wanted to really cry. I put her in there so she's not scared. If I die if something happens to me, she'll never be scared. She'll know how to take a punch. So I put this Bruce Lee thing on the air there And he's fighting his bodyguard

The fucking Hans bodyguard You know she stood there And mimicked All of Bruce Lee's moves And then she would go put it Run it back Run it back So I could try that move

And then she kept saying Kick him in the eye And Bruce Lee kicked the guy in the eye She goes I told you was gonna kick him in the eye I thought oh my God That's so cute So I'm sitting there thinking

What kind of fucking savage Is this gonna be You know like what Yeah What kind of sad? It's like the other night She said to me and I go I gotta go for a stress test tomorrow

They gotta stick needles in me She's like you gotta face your fears She goes you can't be scared daddy You gotta face your fears You gotta go in there I go yeah I want to be around To see you be 20 at least And she goes she'll be around

She goes you ain't going nowhere And I was laughing I'm like I wouldn't want to see you When you're 20 It scares the thought It scares the shit out of me Yeah Like I'm trying to

I'm trying to raise it But you're gonna have those things she's going to hear about addictions you know i try to write in a notebook for every day like that's why i asked you about your dad like what's your relationship now with them beautiful yeah it's like nothing happened yeah i mean like you know i still feel bad about putting him through that experience you know that text you just broke my heart you know what about your mom what did she say during all this um she she knew i i was surprised that she didn't really say anything My parents are very, okay, so my parents were pretty crazy themselves.

Like they went to 54 every night. My dad loves quailudes. Like I have so many funny videos. What did you dad do for a living? He worked in fashion right now. He's kind of retired. He's 70, so he doesn't really just kind of chills. But he worked in fashion for a long time.

He was a buyer. My mom was a model when they met. And then she raised us. But they were, you know, They were laid back, like, party people. You know? They never told me that they did, but I thought they did. So they did.

You had no choice. I know. I know. I know. Yeah. I know that my dad loved Kualoids, though. He talks about them all the time. Yeah.

They're the best drug ever fucking made. Yeah. I obviously never did them. I hear sometimes people say you can get them from Mexico, but I'm sure it's not, like, the real thing or if it's even possible, I don't understand the chemistry. I think they haven't in Mexico. So I just don't know if they're the same thing as the roarism with the lemons added them. That's Studio 54.

Did you go there? I went there after the heyday. Okay. Like I got there in 84 or 83. It was on that big window, that real studio. Yeah, they went there every night. Like they parted the line for them, they say. No, because they went up to the door.

It's funny. They have a podcast. Oh, I think I heard that. Studio 54, the serious channel, has a podcast on Sunday nights. Uh-huh. And it's a 50-50 podcast. It's either really, really bad, top-out sheer, something sheer, and the bartender from Studio 54. So it's the original guest list maker.

Richie? No. Isn't their guy? No, maybe. It's the original guest list. The chick was the one who made the guest list every night. Oh. And the guy was a bartender.

And they interviewed people who went to Studio 54. And I've, we used to do our podcast a lot on Sundays. I don't know how many times I've sat out. outside for 10 minutes, just howing. Or tears running down my face from a story that they told, like there was this one couple, and there were dentists.

She was a dentist, and he was a dentist. And they had kids, and they told their story, that they went to studio five nights a week. Yeah. Like that was what we did. We didn't go anywhere else. We didn't go to this place or this place.

They would go to studio at 11 and stay until 5 and then come home, get the kids, bring them downstairs, to the house, they lived with their mother, you know, New Jersey. Yeah. It was like Brooklyn. It was like two-story houses where you live upstairs and your parents live downstairs.

They would just drop the kids off on the way down. They would feed the kids. The whole thing, they would take a nap till 10. Yeah. Put the kids to sleep at 8. Take a nap till 10 and the 10 o'clock get dressed. Go to studio until 5, go home, feed the kids. Then they would send the kids to school with the grandmother.

And then they would both go to sleep until about 2 and go be dentists. two to five. Damn. Hi. They never said. Probably using that nitrous. But it was really interesting because they were talking about people that had seen that. And she was saying that for years, she was invited to sit with Liza Minnelli.

And that one day after a couple of years Liza Minnelly said, by the way, what is it that you do? She goes, I'm a dentist. Liza Minerleys like, what the fuck are you talking about? I thought you were a PR. Because, you know, she was telling the story about Bob Hope, getting tied up. Bob Hope. I don't know that.

Everybody went to Studio 54. Everybody went there just to look at it. Paul Costalano from McGambino's. Everybody went to Studio 54 just to look at. And they said, one night Bob Hope came, and the guy the owner said, go tie him up. Jesus. And a bunch of chicks took those strings and just started putting them around.

Zip ties. Not zip ties. Those, like, you know, like the strings that balloons. Like when there's a party, people told that lace up, that fucking confetti type when they ran around. Silly. And they rolled around them all.

All these chicks just kept running around Bob Hope until his arms were pinned. And Bob wasn't doing blow and then. They said, that's why they went. They goof on Bob. But they go, yeah, they had Bob on the dance floor. Yeah. Fucking Bob Hope. Like those stories about, there's a documentary now on Netflix.

It's not bad. It didn't look good. I didn't want. But it's not bad. Yeah. It's not the best, but it's not bad. It's interesting at least to look at what people, how they lived in those days. Like, that was their life.

Studio 54. They slept four hours of fucking night And they ran they did quailutes They did drugs I can't even think about it But different strokes With different fucking folks, man There was this incredible place Club, it was very small

Called Beatrice Inn in New York Have you ever heard of that place? No It was on Little West 12th and fourth In the West Village And it was incredible And I feel like it was more of like A modern day 54

And it was crazy And it was only like celebrities and social lights and everyone there did coke out in the open and it was super super crazy what years was this this was probably 2005 to like 2011 maybe or no to like 2005 to like 2008 or something and I used to go there every single night I started going when I was 17 and they would let me in and it was fucking crazy and I and that's like a legendary like party spot in New York that like I feel like was R-54 that yeah it was a short-lived but it was it was very cool very cool now when you came out here you mentioned that sex club in Hollywood yeah

sanctum it's just fucking garbage like so lame it's like a bunch of rich guys that pay to belong to that place I've heard about that place yeah where people pay yeah you have to pay big money yeah yeah and they they get models to come in or just confused girls yeah yeah I mean I used to love like going to these crazy kind of parties as like a voyer to just kind of check it out and be like what the fuck is this you know i don't know i mean now you know now that i'm a little older like i don't think i'd give a fuck i'd be like yeah i'll pass on that but like it used to be fun for me it'll like go to weird shit so you know just something talk about a story something fun i did the same man yeah a lot of that like i said sex clubs weren't the place for me i'd always be embarrassed

yeah somebody took a dick out and started sucking the baton I'd be the kind of guy like put that away. I was embarrassed or something, but I've been to all the other places. I just can't. I think Kate told me about that. Two people have talked about that. Yeah. It still goes on. It's supposed to be like the movie.

Eyes wide shut. But I heard it's disgusting. It's just a bunch of immigrants with fucking little dicks going down there speaking their language with tongs on. No one was cool. Yeah. They're just getting money from losers. Sorry. That's terrible. Sorry, I feel like an asshole's saying that.

I had a girlfriend that was into all that shit in L.A. And we broke up and then she lasted about a year and a half. And she left here running. Yeah. She's never come back. Like, never. She came back once to visit. Like, since 2000.

We broke up in 98. And I think she left in 2000. But she was into all that. And I'm like, you're not going to fucking. And I think some guy had sex with him and put it up on YouTube. Oh. And that cracked of you porn or one of those, something like that. something bad happened.

That sucks. These people are shitty people. Yeah. You know, I'm sure like all those kind of guys film people they have sex with if you have no idea there's a camera in the corner of the room.

You know, I go through Lancashem at night sometimes. I just drive up Lancashem and there's those three little massage parlors on Lancashem from like Riverside to Magnolia. There's three little massage parlors. There's one that's legit.

Like you go in there's guys working in girls and they massage you out in the open. I take my wife there. Yeah. It's 40 bucks. I take and leave that. Yeah. It's great.

It's fucking great. But the other two, I think I like. Yeah. How do you know? One time I think I went to one accidentally because they were mean to me and they were mad at me. And I was like, okay. No, this was in New York.

But I think it was a happy ending place because when I went there, they were like, annoyed that I was there. And then I was like, I want to massage what? So they have to take me. And then she was like kind of like beating me. And I think she was just taking out her anger on me because I made her lose 70 bucks that day. You know what I mean? And then I looked through the little hole and there was like baby oil and a rag.

And I was like, I feel like this is like a jackoff place. They're all are. They're pretty not this place. How do you know? I don't know. They used to have a website. Yeah, they had a website. Or there was an app.

There's an app. There's an app that tells you who'll suck your dick in the valley. Who'll let you fucking. Like Redband told us. Of course he did. Red band says, is that what it's wrong. Rub maps. Yeah.

They don't even have, like, when I first started dating, I would go to Craigslist dating. Like, they used to have dating. But there's a new law. And because there's prostitution on Craigslist and all that stuff, they shut all those sites down. Dating or misconnection? Both. They shut all that down. Did you ever respond to a misconnection?

No, I never had a misconnection. But I did have, it was in the day, you never did it. Instant Messenger. It's like texting, but over online. Yeah, AOL. So I met, I met somewhere on there. and it was sort of like the guy and the girl thing it was like I would message the girl but the guy would be like oh

like tell her this and to me and and I was I was like 19 I was fresh out of fresh into college and like years later I look back I'm like I was probably just messaging the guy there was no way there was a girl but like I like they were like oh we're going to come and do like the three something and I like I was still a virgin I was really excited. Like it was, and it never happened, but I was like, oh, yeah, I'm just messaging the guy.

There's no way there's a girl in the other. Well, all these places, I just don't trust them. Well, I don't go to them, but what I'm saying is, I really don't trust them because I guarantee. And I told Red Band this like two years ago, when he told him, I go, look for cameras. Yeah. I can't.

Well, look at Robert Craft. Is that what happened for Robert Cash? Yeah, they had cameras. Yeah. Who is that again? The owner of the pageants. I don't like, don't, I don't, I don't, with all the celebrities and idiots and this,

that's what they're waiting for they're waiting for you to go in there get a hand job them call you like a month later and go we're gonna give it to TMZ and we'll fucking either give us $100,000 or we'll let people know you've got a hand job

at a Chinese place and that's why I don't trust none of these people like I wouldn't go to one of those places and if somebody came to me I could just rub your dick out yourself for the fucking 50 bucks or whatever you're going to pay it's not worth getting humiliated like that Like I just think that's just humiliations.

Yeah, you're done. I'm a fucking hand job. So I, but that I don't trust this. I don't trust Vegas. Anywhere where there's dore me like that, like people come. I mean, how many celebrities do you see it scores? I don't, I actually don't remember seeing any. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Because a lot of those motherfuckers go to New York City and they go to all those creepy places. Yeah, I don't. It's all just like rich guys. So everyone there is rich and, you know, businessmen. Mostly. I don't remember seeing any celebrities that I can think of. And now you're married?

Yeah, seven months. Happy? Yeah. You look good? Thank you. You do a lot of comedy? Yeah. I see that either you and him go with Bobby Lee from time to time.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That was very fun. We got the double feature for him. It was super fun getting to go with him. He's a good dude, Bobby, huh? He's the best.

And he's crazy as fun. He has the best stories, and he's so kind. and he's a really good person. Really generous, really kind. Extremely. You know, it's weird that you see him with his hair fucked up and the hats and everything when it's just you and him.

It's like the sweetest conversation whatever had with somebody. Totally. Like, I've known him for, I don't know how long. He was a kid when I first met him. He was a kid at the store. Yeah. Just come up from San Diego, really big Korean eyes.

He smelled like Sandhood, like some Korean dish on his neck, you know. Yeah. He was just a sweetheart. Like I've, when I saw him that, uh, he takes you out and shit like that. I was fucking dying. Another thing that you had that I was really touched by, I never put it together. Fucking Brody did comedy at your wedding.

Yes. Yes. That's hysterical. Let me tell you what Josh Wolfe sent me the other day. Josh Wolf sent me the first list, uh, he sent me the first list that we did together. This is the first open mic I ever did in Seattle. Oh. June 26, 1995.

Wow. How did he have the list? He went up there last weekend and the manager came to the comedy club. Look at the names on that list. That's amazing. They still had it. It was at my first open mic in Seattle. Brody Stevens.

June 26, 1995. Joshua, Brody Stevens. There's a couple people. Wow. There's a couple people. Craig Gas is still doing comedy. Because he that was so that was a Monday night and a Tuesday night so that was the Monday and Tuesday night Oh shit's handwritten. That's crazy. They still have that. That's amazing. He had it. He had the manager

The manager Carl Wormonhoven who's a great great great I like that he saved it he saved all of them throughout the years I like seeing those old lineups people post those sometimes from back in the day they're cool to see I have a folder at the bottom bottom of my desk It's got to be thicker than this notebook. It's like three inches. Yeah. And it was so weird when you first become a regular at the store. You have to go to the store and look around.

It would be like 1130 and I just steal the schedule off the wall. Yeah, yeah. And put it in my pocket. I always stole the main room one. Like I'm the way out. I'd steal the main room one and keep it in the wallet. So I would tell club owners. Like I would send my promo to club owners and go, here you go, bitch.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to see a tape. What tape? Here's the tape. Bam! Really? Yeah. I love that.

No tapes. I'm number three. I'm following fucking Paul Mooney. What do you want? What do you want? You still want a tape. And then what? They were like, all right.

Then they would hire me. I would never send them a tape. I would send those things. I would just make copies of them. I go right upstairs to comedy store, make 25 copies of them, and send them out with a headshot, a bio, and the dates I was looking for. Yeah, it's a good idea. Fuck them.

Yeah. Yeah. That's how you do it. It's something that I think is important that I don't do enough of is, keeping mementos, like keep like, so I can look back in 20 years and me and Eric are like doing open mics or it's

I have all my stand-up papers like from the comedy store and I have all the shooting schedules. Oh yeah? TV show I've ever done. They have the big thing they give you and they give you a little one so you can put it in your pocket.

I took home the call sheet. The call sheet. Yeah. I took home all the call sheets with the sides for the day. Wow. So I have a stack of four inches of just fucking call sheets. I look at it and I'm like, I can't fucking believe this is 20 years ago.

Yeah. Like I shot Mad TV 20 fucking years ago. Who the fuck would have thought? Like, I never believed these things. Wow. But bro, I love you to death, Chelsea. And we worked together. I took you with me to Ice House.

And once I get more dates throughout the year in the second half, I'll take in a couple dates. Thank you. Because I know you work hard. You know, I know it's harder. even for a girl for an ugly guy like me I mean it was real rough getting on stage and shit

but I admire you and I knew that you had a little bit of a past I didn't know it was that deep with drugs and stripping I just knew it was a little bit of a past and I just always like your smile you always really sweet to me and I just remember one night going God get up there and some people like why are you

putting her up because she's beautiful is that why you put her? No because she's a fucking comic and every time I come here I see her here and she's very sweet to me she always says hi and what the fuck she works yeah i know what shit you put up with yeah so if anything you don't i mean you're not working there for the money right now you're not working there for fucking minimum wage you're working there at stage time yeah state time and learn and i can't i applaud those people i really do i i know how hard it is to work that i was a doorman i hosted really yeah i didn't know that

dorm man on sundays only only on sundays she would let me because i could be on the road so she would let me host on Sundays and be the doorman on Sunday. But I wasn't the doorman all night. I would just work the door from like 7 to 10 30s to get the fuck out. Yeah, you had it easy. I let Dom Barris do the fucking thing. And there was enough doorman. They wouldn't say nothing to me.

Yeah. So it was like a Mitzie doorman and she wouldn't say shit. So I know what it's like to work there. And, you know, you ever need anything or anything. I really wanted to get you on the show. I'd love to do your show. Yes. Yes.

I would love that. That's it, man. You got a new. home here on the church. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. And don't forget, she's on the how many times a week do you do your podcast? It's weekly. So I haven't done it in a couple of weeks. I do it at the store and at my apartment because I've just been too busy and I was writing, working on writing a pilot with my friends. So I didn't have time, but filming, uh, recording one this week, uh, tomorrow. Uh, but yeah, check it out. Chelsea Skidmore show on iTunes and Spotify.

And it's mostly weekly. And I've been doing it for about a year now. Because I've been following you on Facebook for a while. I would see you from time to time. And then she's the only other motherfucker I know that gets Carvel cakes. You got Carvel cakes like a year and a half ago. Oh my God. That is so fucking funny. You just brought that up.

There's one reason why you're on this podcast right now. Shut the. I just found. You're beautiful. And you eat Carvel. Yeah. I just sent that picture to Stephen last night because sometimes we just send each other old pictures. There you go.

I can't believe you just brought that up. I saw that picture and I forgot to tell you to your face. And just now I said, that's right. I love Carvel. It's the best cake, ice cream cake. I was telling him the other day that I would go to Carver. Every night and get a double cone, vanilla chocolate with colored sprinkles and whipped cream, and I get a chocolate shake thin.

And after I licked the sprinkles off, and I get it like a little nub, I would just dip the cone into the milkshake and lick the cone as I was walking and drink them. That's how much of a Gabon I am. Yeah. Like I fucking love. And they're all over. They have one here. Carvel store or?

Store. Where? It's in West Della. It's like a... Oh, no, no, no, no. No, they do. I know, I know. No, no, that's not Carvel.

It's a carvel. I walked in there. I got aggravated. Really? Yes, right on. Across from Century City Mall. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right there. It's $4 for a cone.

Oh, I don't, right? My brother used to work there back in the day and baseball. I went in there one here, down here in Santa Monica, whatever the fuck it is. Oh, really? Right on Santa Monica Bull. That's the one you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When they first opened, I fucking pulled a U-turn, I cut people off.

I know. I was so excited when I saw it. I went in the hours best. How much is a cone supposed to be? $5 a dollar. Really? I guess it's changed, though. Yeah, it was hard. No, no, bueno.

They sell the ice cream cakes at supermarkets. Yeah, I go to rounds. You have to get one. They're so fucking good. We eat one every birthday at my house. Yeah. There's a Carville. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck what you want or not. My tradition, where I come from, there's a Carville cake. So all I know is Carvel. Yeah. Have you had Sweet Lady Jane? No, what's that? Sweet Lady Jane is incredible. They have the triple berry cake.

It's unreal. It tastes like a strawberry shortcake kind of thing with berries. It's unreal. Are strawberry shortcake or these fucking people's strawberry shortcake? It's so good. Strawberry shortcake from Jersey? Like that? That's type of strawberry showcase.

Made by Jews. It's speaking of bakery. Not that because I've had the strawberry shortcake. These people out here call strawberry shortcake. That's not strawberry shortcake. It's that kind of a vibe. It's like a berry cake with cream. And like, it's, it's a very famous cake.

What's Fudgy the Whale? Because I've only had the original. What's Fudgy the Whale? What's inside of it? Fudgy the whale. I don't know what that is. Fudgy the whale is one of the cakes. Oh.

Like Carvel. If you don't get the circle one, there's Pudgy the Whale and it's just a blue whale. It's gross. Instead of them giving, like, when you eat the, when you eat the, the Carvel cake, it's vanilla ice cream on the top with the thing. And then the letters are good. The blue? Yes, the icing is so good.

And then on the side, the white icing is so fucking good. But that cake is made from all ice cream. But that cake is made from all icing. It's incredible. It's blue. So the more of that icing you eat, your fucking nerves got going crazy. I think you're having a nervous breakdown and shit like that.

Any dates? Any way you're going? I'm going to be with Polly at the end of the month and just like little pop-ups in L.A. Nothing else on the road yet. But I think I'm going to go out with Bobby again soon. So I just post them all on Instagram. You're working out, baby.

You don't know what you're doing every week. You might get a call next Thursday nights. Yeah. fly up to fucking Milwaukee. That's the type of fucking home where you are. Yeah, I'm ready. That's good. We've got one of those calls this week.

You might have to be in Minneapolis. I love it. You might have to get one of those little fucking things you see those kids. Bird scooter. They go to the corner and put their credit card. I wonder how much of a car you take one of those scooters to Minneapolis. $8 million. It's a dollar a minute.

That one foot will be flatter than ever. That one right foot will be flatter than ever. I looked at driving there. It's too long. It's like a day and a half. That's perfect. You ain't got another to do for a day. You love to sit.

No, no, but the last show's on Sunday. You could do your to the taxes. Well, if you leave at fucking midnight, you'll be here by 6 o'clock. You'll be ready for the podcast. Until Tuesday. No, you'll be here by fucking, if you leave Monday, 12 is lunchtime. Six o'clock. No, it's 30 hours of driving.

Listen. Oh, 30 hours. Yeah. Yeah, you forget about it. You'll be here. Yeah, that's what I say. You might as well take a plane. All right, I love you, motherfuckers.

I got nothing on the books till June, bitch, so I get back. besides that I want to thank Chelsea Skidmore what can they find you Instagram at Chelsea Skidmore Twitter XOXO Chelsea Sky I love you say hello to your husband for me send them my love he's a fucking gentleman I want to thank you guys I want to thank you for listening

I want to thank you for being part of family do not forget to follow my girl Chelsea Skidmore you'll see you on the road me this year I want to thank the flying Jew aka the Christkiller aka the mayor of Auschwitz that was a man And I want to thank you guys for listening because you're family.

I love you, motherfuckers. All right. I want to thank Chelsea Skidmore. I want to thank the Flying Jew. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for listening and for support in the church. I also want to thank the sponsors. One of my favorites, four hymns. Let me explain some to you.

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I got no dates on the books. I'm in New York doing my thing. If you see me say hello, and that's it and that's that. We'll be back Monday morning. Tip Top, Magoo, ready to rock your world. Again, thank you for listening. Lee, take this motherfucking meal savage.