The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #680 - George Perez

Episode Date: May 2, 2019

George Perez, a stand up comedian seen on Showtime and heard as the host of the, "George Perez Stories" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Pro Flowers - It's Mothers Day. Get a dozen assorted roses for $19.99. Visit ProFlowers.com, click on the microphone in the upper right corner, and use promo code HAPPENING.   MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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Is my brother, motherfucking George Perez, the Christ killer, and Uncle Joey. Take this fucking meal leave. Oh shit. Oh shit. Fucking. Nipsey Flossel. He hustles dead.

He hustle. But war is still alive, motherfuckers. Something for my little brother from L.A. George Perez. What's up, my boy, Orange County. The mayor, motherfucking. Orange County. Christ killer, Lee Syatt.

It's a whole new month, motherfuckers. The whole new month, motherfuckers. The first of May. The fucking jam. Fuck you out. It's a little kid when this came out, though. Yeah? eight six no way dancing when your aunt shit by myself I would play this I couldn't

believe it it was tremendous yeah it's a flyer the outlaws had us been down at the border what like Trumps Cisco what's up George Perez you bad motherfucker chilling my boy I finally got to listen to your mama's house you tore that motherfucker up oh dog it was awesome man white dream America ain't ready for us dog no you went in there fucked them up I went in there was talking shit yeah i seen it and it's it's tremendous i'm so proud of you what's happening thank you you know baby just fucking following orders and shooting out commands dog that's it you know it's the same fucking grill every goddamn day man yeah never real realize that that it's repetitive but you enjoyed so much that you don't mind it's yeah putting a fucking screw on a loamore in a

factory and you're in a line work what line workers we have to do the same shit every day same military hours fuck yeah something at eight there's something at 10 there's something at 12 and if not you just once you lose that passion the shit stops rolling I feel you like I still turn down pussy you do yeah like now I gotta go do a show baby I can't I can't I gotta do a show I turned when did you turn down pussy never I had no choice I ain't good looking I gotta take it it while it's day you know what I'm missing a leg I gotta dive in fuck it I know what you're saying no I know what you're saying no No, sacrifice is big.

Yeah. You're trying to become something, whether it's a plumber. Sacrifice is big. You get all these outside sources trying to hit you. And listen, don't get me wrong, dog. You fall apart from time to time and you miss a day and a half. Yeah. There ain't nothing wrong with that.

You've done 21 straight. Nobody, I don't talk shit, but I rest as much as I play. I got you. Do you know what I'm up early and I'm sending emails? But you know what? That comes a time of the day. sit down and watch the news. Oh, I feel you.

And I watch World News tonight, or I watch something on Telemundo, you know, every day. And then that night after, when you get home from doing comedy, you need that hour to. Fuck, yeah. Silence.

I give thanks every day, and I've told my wife this. I go, we don't live in a house, or we're in a rush in the morning. You want to piss me off? Be in a rush in the morning around. Oh, fuck that.

It drives me crazy. And I know you didn't grow up in no Beverly Hills. Near to die and here did Lee. Well, Lee grew up a little quieter and a little bit more structure. But what I'm trying to say is there's nothing like when you got a shit and there's somebody in the bathroom

doing that fucking hair. Yeah. And then you go in there and stink it up and you fuck it up with the rest of the family. But that's what happens because of having one bathroom. I don't like living in that rush. I grew up in that rush with people that in the morning were taking this and then

things they'd go to the car and they'd run in because they forgot their keys. That shit just gets you like, damn that you're running late then you gotta walk up a hill like you're in a bad mood it's just unsettling and that's why I always knew that I always was not gonna have a day job yeah I had day jobs but just because I had kids you know I mean like it was mandatory no no I always knew I was gonna have a job yeah I knew I wasn't gonna do it in the daytime I got you not no nine to five no I always did not like that rush I didn't know what it was till about a few years ago

But I knew at the age of, at 16, I knew I didn't want a day job. I wanted to work in a warehouse at night or bartend. Hell, where shit happens. Yeah, I wanted my days to myself. I always thought that staying out of a bar is a good thing. Okay. I'd rather stay the fuck out of a bar and stay out of a social circle and have my daytime.

I could get up, like work till five, go home, everybody's getting ready to leave. You put a cheese omelet on. Yeah. You watch cartoons. smoke a joint you go to bed around and people go to bed around eight in the morning they're up at two you know they're up at two they get up they see what's going on yeah some days you take you go to sleep till four but some days you get up you you fucking do shit you work out you know you don't be at work till nine yeah you get to

fuck all the girls that get their late lunch breaks yeah you greet your family when they come in you know what I'm saying maybe you're cooking at daytime you help your wife so when she comes home at five yeah I've always I remember being a kid and looking at want to have gone day job what was your first job dog like honest like where you had to give your ID and your social the jobs I had growing up a part of who I am today you know okay because the people I work for you couldn't cut corners you either did the work or you didn't and you did it dead way yeah not your way we don't get we don't care what you want to do and they would tell you your way is wrong it's wrong

They were right because we're always looking for a way out. When you're young, you're looking at the clock. Yeah. You don't really want to work. One of my first jobs is a hard carry. Like, I'd work to my mother, although she is. A hot carrier is what? When you make cement and you have to bring it up to the bricklayed Masons.

I got you. You have to work in front of them. You can't work behind them, which means you have to have, if they go for a brick and they don't have a brick, that's money. Yeah. So that bricks got to be laid out perfectly. Just how they go to grab them. Yes. The cement has to be wet.

Yeah. They let this. You have to watch 18 things at once. You have to keep making cement. Keep it in the machines. Yeah. It's like a tender now for what, for brick layers. Put it in the fucking thing.

It's a big wooden board. Put it in their fucking bucket. Yeah. Sure it's wet. Put water on it. Yeah. Oh shit. They're light on brick.

And make sure the scaffold is done. Yes. Well, they get there. Yeah, you got to send up the next move for them. They have, you have to have the move done. That was a great educator of me. That was a very great educator of me because it taught you to look beyond what you're doing in front of you.

Just enough. Just enough to make your job easier. You know, when you paint, if I hire some kid on the street, the paint's going to come in here, and you're just going to throw paint on the walls. You're going to paint the hinges. Everybody knows that paint 90% of it is preparation.

Yep. It's taping the edges, taping the windows. Yeah, it takes 10 minutes, but the job's going to be that much better. Take the sockets off the fucking wall. Yeah, hit it all, huh? The socket's not great because he took it off the wall when he painted it. All those little things prepare you for life to not the cut ends.

Okay, the first job I really had that I had to be on my own. The brick mason I worked for, I knew. But when my mother died, my friend came to me. He goes, I got a better job. I want you to take my job. And I'll never forget I went down there, I gave the guy my ID, did the thing. And the guy goes, I'm going to give you a test. today I want you to sweep the room I knew from my stepfather because I used to get

aggravated with my stepfather because my stepfather goes you're not sweeping right yeah like a sack of shit when I tell you to sweep the garage you got to move everything yeah sweep it and then put it back and then move the other side sweep that then put it back then put it all in the middle then sweep it all out towards the front straight up so that's what I did I moved the funeral when he came back he goes you know what you're doing look how confused Lee is talking you know what you do I didn't work manual labor. Luckily, I didn't do that.

But I worked a lot of minimum wage jobs, like CVS, movie theaters, restaurants. You're the fuck, Eddie. I did. I've been working since 14. Oh, shit. I bought my first car. I grew up. It's different.

I was very lucky. I grew up in a very white, very nice part of town. But everyone I grew up with, their parents bought them BMWs, all that. I bought my first car. I didn't. My parents, I was the poor family. in the nice town. So I've worked since I was 14.

You guys still had Hondas and shit. Yeah, I had a 97 Chevy Cavalier that the, the brakes didn't work, the door, if it got really cold, the door wouldn't close. Like the door just opened at the stop sign sometimes. That's the worst, my biggest car. That's a piece of shit. Oh, I loved it, though.

But for a Chola was different. My first car was like an 87 Monte Carlo. And Georgie's mom, my oldest son, Georgie, Her uncle, they all were mechanics rebuilding Loretter cars. So I had a primer, Joey. Oh, it had the luxury edition headlights. You know, I was a choolo back then. It was, oh.

Did you call bounce? Nah, I was, I was a fucking like that. Now, I only had it for like eight months because the fuel exhaust was too fucked up. And I didn't really know about that shit. And my girl was like, I'm getting fucking headaches sitting in this car. My comedy car had. exhaust yeah I had a pat pull over and take a nut every hour on the hour I'd ride a suicide note I was like Brody I was all fucked up I had to drive one night from northern Oregon to

Seattle it was a four hour drive in that it took me nine hours oh that was a tariff it's the reason why I drive a Subaru today is because it's the best car I can drive for the money number two it's safe too right it's real safe it's I know what I do the cars I got you. What I did to cars from 1979 to 1990 was just absurd. Not even putting oil, not giving it a fuck. No, I took care of them because I paid for the cars. But the dense, the crashes, the blown up, the blown up fucking, the thing that spins.

Timing belt? Timing belt. I blew up cars, you know, 20, 20 that I remember. There's got to be another 10. Jesus, I've gotten in cars with you all the time. I had the worst luck with cars. I had a car lot on fire by itself. Yeah, one of my cars lit on fire too.

The first car I broke the engine blue. You know, another time I had a van. It got caught in electrical wire on the street. Only that could happen to an idiot like me. You know, when it snows in New Jersey, you lose the traction. And I wanted to make a U-turn on the hill. Oh. And the fucking bumper of the car

got caught in the electrical wires. The reason why I'm still alive is through the grace of a guy. And you know me with the radio blast and trying to pull, and the tires and fires coming. And dog, I went on and I'm like, holy shit. Thank God there's three kids coming by

and I had like four bucks in my pocket. And they helped me take it out, pull the van back, and undo that. That van, I think, blew up somewhere. The only people I worked for gave me cars and their cars were great. And then you just dug them out. Like a hoe.

My foot is the size 13. That's heavy. You know, I don't forget, I worked for a car dealer. I worked for two car dealerships back to back that I had to quit because I blew up their cars. No way. Just driving them home? There was a used car lot that I took the car to Wyoming and the snow dogs. I worked for these people just for the car.

Yeah, so you just work to get the hustle to take the car. They loved me because I speak Spanish and I would sell cars and I told them for me to work I gotta get a car to just drive to work back and forth and I ain't taking no bus and they were cool with me. First car they gave me, had his own problem. They gave me like four cars in two months

and the last car I took to Wyoming on the way back that motherfucker was smoking. What are you doing? How did this happen? I barely made it to work Monday and I could feel like the needle was on fire and shit. And when I got there,

I touched the hood and my hand almost burned and it was snowed I was 20 below zero. That's what saved the car. And I pulled up, and I just left it there. And I said, I walked in, I go, guys, I got that big comedy break. They're like, what are you talking about? They were HBO called.

In fact, I'm on a plane right now. Good luck. Thank you. I'm going to use you as a reference. They're like, thank you, man. Where's the key? I go, did you fill it up yet? Like 20 minutes later, my page it was going off.

Come back. What did you do in this fucking car? So I was blown. Then I went to work out of a GP, go, Imagine when they went to go touch the hood dog. I went to work at a Jeep Eagle place. They put me in a brand new fucking car. I went again to do comedy up in Vail or something one night.

I had to sleep on the side of the street. He didn't put you up. I just pulled over to the side of the road and put the heat on the sweat. College clubs didn't give like features. That wasn't a comedy club. It was a one-nighter up in the mountains. Okay.

And they gave the feature and the headline. They told me when I took the gig. I took it just to be a hard head. Yeah. took the gig just to work and I'll never forget starting a car in the morning and 10. And it was like 10 below. And I started the car, and the whole warming, and I was running late for work. And also, they had, v-hmm.

And the fucking, the fucking, whatever. You're talking the serpentine belt, and that big one that goes in all. Yeah. Snap. Oh, yeah. I called them and was running late, and I made up a story. And I just finally go, listen, I quit. Your car's in van.

I'm like, what the fuck is it doing? I mean, I just had. I had horrible luck. When I got the bowl, I didn't have a car, the deli zone. The dealer, the Honda Food Place, let me heck delivery car. They were so kind, they would close the shop at 8, and I would come in a quarter after 8.

And they go, we don't want to leave the car out, take it. And I would go do comedy with that car right night. That's how fortunate I meant. Hell yeah. And I would run to different places. The last one I drove that car, the lights blew out. Then I bought an Accura. I thought I was Johnny Bananas.

I bought an Accura. That car still laying somewhere on some, side of the fucking road. The fucking I was going to a Denver Nugget game. The rim broke. So I had to go, the wolf. Mike Kessler, give me the keys to the dealership so I could steal a car from the lot,

bring it to my house, take the rims off, and the tires, put it on my car and then put that car back with the fucked-up rims. Yeah. Guys, I've done it all. Oh, that's all. Oh, G. Crang. Ninety-four, I bought a fucking, what was Toyota?

Nissan. Oh, Centra. It was no. Toyota. What was it before it was Nissan? Dodson? Dotson. It was a Dotson B-2-10.

Yeah. That motherfucker was tough as now. That was my first real comedy road car. It was reliable. That car got me from college. I bought it with $150,000,000, dog. Whoa. That car was meant.

That car gave me another $100,000 for a year and hard. The only thing that happened. That car with me was the frame broke. in Nebraska. That was it. And then finally in Seattle, I crashed into a car. I was driving to the contest.

I was going uphill. And there was a dude, and I rearended him. And he came out, bro, I just bought this car. He had just bought it. He had just drove it off the lock. Oh.

He could be exchanged numbers. I'd never heard from him again. I never heard from him again. Did you give him the real number? Yeah. I gave him the real Venn number. My insurance, I told him my insurance,

I made up some insurance information. I was going to say, did you have insurance? Yeah, no. No insurance, no registration, no, no. I've gone through cars, Joe. I know what you mean, dog. So for me, like when people bust my balls, like Joe Rogan, you need a Cadillac.

For what? Yeah. I already had a big car. Look at the right side. Straight up. It got more dense up in the front than fucking... He said he drives by sound. I drive by sound.

I got more fucking dense in my car than what's his name got in his head. And I just said, no more. I don't see the... Once you learn the real valid, listen. You're just going to mess it up. First of all, I don't buy cars.

I lease them. Okay. Once my credit got back to good, I started leasing cars. Why? What's your theory behind that? You lease what depreciates and you own what appreciates. I got you now. You know how much garbage car is?

It loses like a thousand when you leave the lot, right? As soon as you leave the lot. More than that. More than that, 17, 1800. It's just a beat up thing. That's why I've always told people, If you have the means and the credit lease because you're renting the car. Okay.

First of all, if you go buy a car, go over there and tell them. I want to put $5,000 down and I want to get that car. And they'll come back to you still with a $450, $4.50, $4.80 payment. You're just throwing away money, good money after. If you take that $5,000 and take $4,000 of it, put in a CD, and take that $1,000, you can lease a car and get your payment. It's leased it. It's less by the month to lease, don't want it is to own. When you rent, when you own a car, you don't really own it, Chico.

For five years, the bank's got that title. Yeah. You've been to loan it when I lease either. Exactly my point. Abe Lincoln said, you lease what depreciates and you own what appreciates. What appreciates, a house, real estate, stocks, bonds. That always, a car just goes backwards from the time you buy. unless you have a Toyota or a Subaru in Colorado

once the snow teeth touches the ground your car goes up in value a thousand Toyotas and Subaru's yeah it all depends in the summer you could steal a Subaru in June you could steal a Subaru for sticker price because it ain't snowing okay you go you go just tell the guy if I don't see the sticker I ain't buying it don't come out and show you can we make a hundred over can we make a little problem I'll give you a hundred over sticker finance the car, somebody else, you don't make no money on the financing. But when you own a car, you don't really own it.

So now you're paying five years for the fucking car. And once you buy the car, now you own a car that's 75,000 miles, 100,000 miles, and you put too dense on it. Now you own that car. Now what did you accomplish? And two, you already, I get sick of driving the car. So every three years, you just pass it on. And the first time, and what you do is you go with a car family that's good to you.

so you keep renting the same car. Yeah. And you go between two or three different models. Subaru has three different, four different models. I just get a different model every three years and try it out. And they don't trip on like the beans and all that shit? No more fucking down payment. The one from the last car carries over.

Oh shit. Who does carry your keys. And if you're smart enough, the payment only goes up $5. Okay. Five or $10. Damn. You could do that every three years. I do different shit.

I go to those, you know those auctions? things and I bring my homie that's a mechanic nothing wrong with that yeah and we go and he because they let you take a look at the car you just can't sit in it but you can look at it and he's just like all right homie i already know that one like the one i have outside i got that for 600 2010 Nissan ultima damn and then i put 3 000 in a new engine and new everything and now that car's going to last me 12 years 10 years i do want that car in 10 fucking years no i i just give it to my kids every three years they get the car like I just keep going down every three years it's a smart thing when you have kids I don't believe kids should get a car right off the back no like I should

have never got a new car off the bat a lot of people shouldn't you should give a kid a 400 dollar car let them dent it fucking put rotten apples in there yeah that's why if a dog it's just something that was like where I came from the name but I came from there was no driving nice cars that that always gets attention I'm not a drug dealer yeah and I still don't want the attention well my neighborhood were Cholo, so it was like, fix up an old, that car and make it look good. Which is also a fucking crazy. Like, I had friends that would buy

like a Mustang. Okay. In Jersey, they don't have lowriders, huh? And you're, yeah, not too many. The Italians would a trip? Yeah, they would a trip. You know, unless it's something colorful or something like that. We weren't big into that.

Okay. The kids I grew up were wearing into cars. It's a California thing, huh? Well, there was a lot of, The mother out there destroys cars too because they put salt on the road. Oh, yeah. So the cars get rusty, you know, all that shit. Like, that's big. If a car has rust, that panel's pretty much done.

You can spray paint and put that rust oleum and finish it up. It'll kill time. It'll quiet time. But once rust gets into that metal, you have to keep buffing it down and buff that rust. It's like psoriasis and shit. Yeah. You know what I miss about cars is fucking in cars. I used to fuck a lot

and from like 16 to 23 in a car because I always had a baby's mom so I wasn't spending money on a hotel back then it was seat belt rash and a lot of ass you fucked a lot of cars I got my dick sucked with a couple of pussies and cars right in the front seat

you know but no I wasn't pre-reient the fucking in the car that's disgusting somebody walks by and sees your ass sticking up I mean sometimes sometimes you got to close them in the car just to close them yeah you got them on the way home that's suck my dick a little bit Let me eat your pussy just to make sure there's no misunderstandings if they say no and whatever

I mean yeah I had five brothers dog it was hard to bring a grow home yeah it's fun you fuck They would try to take them a shit I'm older I got I we got beer you know my brothers were scandalous you still get along with your brothers Who that's a crazy question uh one of my brothers doing life in prison I really don't talk to him fucked up crime I can't accept um now I only talk the two of my brothers, bro. I mean, I talked to them, but not really and shit. They're more, they're very different from me. Same mom, same dad.

Yeah, yeah. My dad had five wives, but he only stayed with my mom. Because she gave him six sons. And my dad didn't have boys with any of these other wives. And we're all a year apart, except for me. I was born. Shader tubes tied, and I still made it, dog. And I have a little brother.

My dad got some strong-ass nut. And, it's fucking it's wild like I feel ashamed sometimes because I don't even know my brother's birthday to this day I don't know some of their birthdays did you just dripped apart

no my dad made us real competitive when we were little so it was always trying to be competitive from it he didn't make us but it was just like that we wanted to have his pride his honor you know what I mean so all my brothers were competing in sports and athletes

And I was the little, I was four years apart from everybody's year apart and it's because my mom had her tubes tied. So she didn't have another kid for four years. And it was just real. My dad was like a cartel Mexican, American bad motherfucker. Never said I loved you. Barely at the house. But he showed up when it was rent was doing all that shit, you know?

He was a coyote, Joe. He had one job for child support in the daytime. And then at night he would work to support us and then he would just take off on the weekends and come back with cars and shit and yeah How many kids did he have? The rumors like 13 15 total from five different wives Is your dad still with us? No, no Pops is gone

RIP What is it required to be a fucking coyote? That's just dog back at this is like 85 Joey and my dad was smooth because you know he was smooth dog like he had homies you know he had friends everywhere and one of his buddies was um the migra the border patrol but not the one you drive through the one you walk through so my dad would get fake IDs made in orange county and since he had six kids he would tell me to get six outfits from all a go get an outfit from all your brothers we'd drive the tj he'd feed them We'd all stay in a hotel room for like four hours.

Get everybody like, hey, look, you put, so they would come home and close from America. You know what I mean? When you're wearing, nobody had Puma back in the 80s and TJ or Nike or gas. And then my dad would use all of our kids' birth certificates just so it looks on the camera that we were showing. And then we would just walk through. His car was parked in the American side. We'd jump in the car and drop everybody off where they had to go. What would they pay you dead?

He was getting like $7,000 a head. No shit. And because look at it, there's no walk. You're not going to get hurt. You're getting dropped off at your family's house. And my dad, he already had like, in 1994, my dad brought four houses. That's how good he was going. Buying houses, dog.

That's a lot of shit. A lot. And we were making loot one time my mom got locked out we went together that shit was crazy We all went and then like they pulled over my mom's car and she did like three days But my dad went in there dropped 500 5,000 later It was wild dog I've been to TJ's so I know so many like a little back routes I know they're not there no more and this is a time where the cartels didn't give a fuck about human trafficking to them back then it was all

we coke and speed human when did human trafficking take like such a big thing did the cartels didn't care about him now they do the human traffic yeah because now a human is better than a drug because if a drug doesn't make it a drug

gets took if a human doesn't make it he comes right back and it's another 10,000 now it's 12, 15,000 for one person and you don't even get it like my dad You have to walk it, chance getting fucking caught, all that shit. It's very different. They had a good system back then.

You know, you look at it from the other perspective, man. You're coming from a place with just, you have nothing, you know, and your family pays for you. Yeah. I mean, I know what the Chinese should they bring them over him, work and massage parlors until the bill is paid. Do you really think? Until the pill's tab is paid.

There's a massage parlor next to the strip club I work at. and all the massage girls there got nice-ass-ass-cars. And I was thinking like, is this a legit one? This is on a sweat? Like, they let them keep the money? I don't know. Are they Asian? Yeah, it's real Asian.

Like, even with the, I saw a documentary about it. Like, the coyotes, they'll take them to, like, a house once they get to America. And if they don't have the money, they kind of keep them there. Yeah. Like, locked up until someone pays. Yep. They get them a job of their friends. Mexican restaurant is a bus boy at 335 an hour plus tips until they pay off the $10,000.

Yeah, but that's not really, that's like some mostly. It's like, hey, we need everything because it's there now. You know what I'm saying? It's like, you know, this is the new shit that I'm hearing and I don't know if it's accurate, but like one of my homies says that little kids now are like, fuck it. We'll take the cocaine. We'll jump over with it. And that'll be payment to get my dad over there.

Then he'll come get me. Like, motherfucking kids are sacrificing now and just taking drugs over to get the money to bring their parents. Is that crazy, dog? Just to show you what the value of America is. Straight up. You know, just to show you what, you know, a couple months ago, Trump made a fucking joke or whatever. He said, that crack me up. He's like, you know what?

We'll take up all the fucking refugees. but we'll put them in sanctuary cities and see how much you like it. That was funny. Which means here and San Francisco and Losi. I mean, I'm not politically woke, as they say. But I know what the fuck he's trying to do.

And at first I got a little mad, George. I'll tell you why, because I'm Spanish. And it bothers me that he just focuses on the wall. I think we're out of point in our country and we have to focus on all of immigration. I mean, there's too many of all of us here and that right now.

And then I was like, who the fucking Maya to make that decision you know what the fuck who the fucking what the fucking am I to say to close it all off you know what America's a dream and a half of some people and you know what we as Americans are fucking lazy and we forget we forget when we look at a fucking immigrant what they'll do yeah when you go to you know Usman was on Rogan and he was like who the fuck cleans your hotel rooms who the fuck does all these shitty jobs immigrants and it's not shitty jobs It's the jobs that Americans have made shitty because all of a sudden we got too much pride to be a fucking

Grass cutter. Yeah, or you know, there's got to be white kids that grow up and go I want to be a carpenter But the first thing you're gonna hear is it's tough because how you don't learn to be a carpenter They got Mexicans working for eight bucks an hour who work circles around you and they don't want to learn Yeah, how to be a carpenter. So now when you want a job side, I mean the growth is definitely yeah, it's a true I know I've been there to become a carpenter you got to be a carpenter you got to be a carpenters be a carpenter's helper first straight up you got to get an 18 year old out of fucking college no way I want to get splinters in my hands all day for eight bucks and I listen for eight bucks an hour you see this Mexican kid he don't even say boo

this motherfucker didn't even take lunch you don't even know what lunch is yeah you've been talking about fasting you know white people oh my god we're doing a new fasting we're doing a new fasting really skinny little Mexican yoke this he's been fasting all his fucking life you understand he's on a lifelong fast and I want to hire you for a day to do What, tell me stupid stories. Are you going to go to Coachella? Yeah. You're saving up to go to Coachella.

Exactly. You know, so we forget. Me, I've never forgotten that shit. But before I think about doing stupid shit, I think about, like, what the fuck is an immigrant doing right now? Well, have you heard about what's happening on the farms? It's like crops are going bad on the farms because they did all these raids and they took all these illegal immigrants out and they literally can't find enough people

to work on the farms. No. We have, but it's so funny, my wife and I were having this conversation how they have removed the work ethic

from kids. You don't go into a McDonald's no more and say a lot of young kids. Oh, I remember that. You're right. You're going to a lot of places,

you know, I hate that they have removed the paper route. I hate that there's no more. You had a paper route? I didn't, fuck yeah. I didn't even have a bike. I used to put this shit on my shoulders.

So, you know, I deliver it on a bike? you walk sleep snow I saw them get the papers dumped on the corner and you had to get them

before they melted wet oh so you had a weather challenge I was on the east coast and I decided to take that route January 1st like I just wanted the paper route did you have to deliver

when it's snowed too and all that shit I took a paper route in the afternoons I took a paper route January 1st like I thought I could do this shit first off I had to walk 10 blocks

just to get there and my newspapers would be on the corner and I'd have that little laundry cart and I have to deflate the string you gotta bring a knife and cut them off and then fucking take a plastic wrap and then put them in the plastic wrap

and put them in the thing you had a ring with all the people's names and whether they just got papers seven days a week or they just got Sunday only if they only got Sunday you'd up sell them and the guy would give you another 50 cents and then you worked on your tips

I did that shit for maybe a year. I won all the awards. And then my mom's like, what are you doing? I'll pay you more. You know, they're doing nothing. You can hang on and watch TV and fucking just stock the bar and clean. But work ethic, and I'll tell you what happens. Like, work ethic is one thing.

But going to work for yourself, like what you do? You're in a corporation. Straight up. I've been a corporation since in 1980. seven, I decided I was a corporation. When I heard the words that you could work for a fixed income or your life could be a, there's no ceiling on your salary. And dog, I became a corporation after that.

When I was stealing, I became a corporation. All that shit, I knew at the end of the month there was a magic number. I knew that there was three numbers. There was a number that would keep me alive. There was a number that I could do a little something with. Yeah. And then there was a number I could snort some coke and have a few fucking drinks and cocoa.

and watch TV, but there was three numbers. And you either had to hit one of those numbers. God forbid you surprised the top number. Then you lived how the fuck you want to live. But there was always numbers that I had to hit. You know, I didn't want to work for the conventional salary. I never did. Like, since I was in fucking high school, I was like, I get it now.

I don't want to have a ceiling over my income, an income over my ceiling on my income. You know, that's why I always love sales. I adored sales Because it was commissions Yeah bonuses bro Straight up So if I sell 13 I get five

If I sell 14 I get another 500 15 you get a thousand And a thousand per car after that Watch me You tell a motherfucker like me That if you go sell three cars You get a hundred dollars cash today Watch me

Watch if I make calls Or watch if I call my girlfriend Or watch it I would go up to people Give them like a five minutes pitch And if they weren't fucking buying Get the fuck out I want to come look at cars.

Go to the mall down the corner. They got all the cars in the world. Just walk around the lot of the mall. The mall goes fucking count of clockwise. You can look at all. And they just look at you like, what the fuck? Yeah. Either we're buying or we're dying. What do you want to do?

I can end your day right now. You can be home in two hours, or you can go to talk to all the car. The car you're looking for is right here. The price don't work for you. We'll make it work or come close to you. I always love that type of shit. I always love talking.

You know, I didn't mind hard work even. I don't mind digging a trench, George I did that for seven years I was cement I was a certified journeyman like I can form it and finish it what the concrete I can still do that shit no shit hell yet they sent me I was an apprentice they sent me to this academy at the Whittier Sheriff's Department me and all kinds of other 19 to 23 year old people learning like how to I used to have a eight pound sledgehammer fucking metal stakes all smooth how old you I was 20 1920 because I just had Georgie before that I used to do telemarketing

like I used I was good at booking timeshare appointments and then I was like fuck this my girlfriend's uncle was like hey homie you need to take care of your son you want to work they gave me a job John Palacio gave me this job at Terracal and Irwindale I'll never forget that shit like our first job was in Agora hills he said be there at 630 I was there at 515. Chilling. Coffee, donuts. Sticky construction was going to be with boots.

They're like, throw that shit away. Let's go. Hey, dog. I worked my fucking ass. These fools were animals. Animals. And they taught me. That was like my first adolescence dog.

Like, that was when I learned how to eat ass, Lee. That was like, all these old men would fuck with me. And they're like, oh, you're 20. You have an apartment.

Like, when you go home, put her underwear on your, head and fucking sniff it and boner and I was doing this stupid shit. I remember my girlfriend going, what the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, yeah. Hey, but you know what? That job, I love Joey because like you said, you're working with 13 other men. No one there's a snitch.

Everybody has their own bad habit of something. He smokes. He does weed. That fool does uppers, downers, coke, alcoholics. It was, it was dope. And that's how we get to make fun of each other and shit. Find out who sucks and who doesn't. You know, it's so weird how you look at kids and your own kids.

You're like, what is good for them when they get out of high school? Yeah, I'm going through that. On the back of your mind, you're like, you know what? You need to go to college. And you're like, wait a second, bro. I'm from the school of hard knocks. And I learned just as much in college by doing this job, this job, and this job. I did this job for two years, this job for a year, and this job for a year.

And it made me hip to everything I had to be hip to to prepare me for life, you know. Yeah. And I've said it before on this podcast, sales, because you're always going to be selling yourself for the rest of your life. Even when you're 65 and you're calling fucking Social Security, you're going to be selling you. So listen, I'm missing an eye. I need to check on the first. And you have that, Joe, you got this charisma and this likability and this like newness. Joey always says like a new word.

Like, what the fuck? Where'd you come up with that? I can see you as a salesman just out there. Come on, I loved it. I know you want, don't you want to meet a girl? Get this car. I love the art of selling. Right?

I loved the art of selling, especially not selling to be a jerk off, but to sell you because you definitely need this particular product. Okay. Like, that's why now, if I ever quit doing comedy or podcasting, I'd sell Subaru because I've had it for 20 years. Yeah, you can sell a Subaru. I could sell the shit out of a Subaru.

If it's something that you love, you know, we get, I get things for sponsors all the time, you know. And so in the beginning, we would take whatever it was, chocolate covered strawberries, whatever. Now I look to see if the product, if I would use the product. Okay. You know, if I had a company that fucking, you know, I needed to get toothpaste, you know, quip. Quip makes a great portable toothbrush. You know, it has a timer. I appreciate that shit.

Yeah, a timer for each side, you know, fucking manscape, you know, is a trimmer. And they have all this stuff for your balls. Oh, shit. They sent me the razor, the manscape and all this stuff. Do they got like a different color from your ball hairs to your face hair? No, they just got a bunch of different things. Well, listen, after you shave your balls with something, I don't want to close to my own nose. It's not like I'm going to shave and trim under here under these little,

nose hairs to improve people. Listen, I got a shame. We used to do that to some phone prison dog. You shave our balls and be like, go ahead and shave your head. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know, no, no. I mean, and they're great. They have stuff to trim you. Oh, wow. I need something like that right now. Man scape this shit. They always have a ball wipe. A ball wipe? Ball wipe. Ball wipe. That you wipe your ball so I keep it in my little jujitsu bag and my can't get into the smoothie after or you don't want to be walking around with a sticky ball. You know when the Lord's going to throw a cock by ball sniffing your life. You never preferred for a good ball.

You ever notice that? Whenever somebody wants to suck your ball, they smell like a death of billy goats. You know, your balls are clean. Right, when you've been in your living room dry, like you come out of the shower, you just did Irish Spring, and you're sitting there watching the NFL and your legs open, letting your balls dry this. How come no ball sniff is flying through the window,

then they want to suck your cock. You bump into cock suck. When I was young, I'm not talking about the last 19 years. is whenever I wanted to get a dick sucking my dick always smelled nobody was at least girls always said you hold on I have to go to the bathroom first because they check them to see what their fucking onion smells like to make sure they throw some hot water on it we don't do that we just give you dick without the washing yeah the fucking that little white stuff behind your dick you don't get you don't pull the skin back for a week you get that little what yeah it looks like a

Mexican cheese when I was a kid dog I hated washing my dick it wasn't It's not to you're in the sixth or seventh grade that you know that you gotta wash your dick when you're young you're like I don't need to wash this thing Thank God I'm circumcised that one day you pull the skin back looks like an ingrown Yeah Duss and shit under that fucking cheese and it's like Q tips that died Yeah, so who the fuck needs that in their life? So I just do the best you can they have the ball white Man scape's just a good product they're a toner I could I could sell what I believe it Yeah, it sounds like it on it I could sell if I believe it I wouldn't

to on the headquarters with rogan dog was it dog it was fucking crazy you meet aubrey yeah Aubrey was awesome he came to the show the first night and then we went out I was scared I haven't worked out in years and we did stations and shit but they have like a jihitsu class for adults one for kids they got this like huge place where they have like the drinks and the what are the supplements and all that and then everything there dog it was it was awesome and they have stations Yeah, stations. What did you do? Club bats.

I did the row, the bars, or what's that shit cut the dumbbells? Cettle bells. Cettle bells, some jump rope and then the punching bag. And it was weird, dog, because like, I've always been the guy at the gym that's like, these motherfuckers were animals, though. There was girls there squatting like three plates, but it was, it was bad. I like the vibe that they had there. I'll tell you it's from, Aubrey's done a great job.

job. Yeah, great guy. You know, I could talk shit. I mean, they were our sponsor like three months in and I liked what they were doing already. I like the alpha brain, you know, I didn't know much about the shroom tech and stuff, but the more I work with them, the more I read their website, I can't repeat the words that you read on that website. That's for smart people, but from taking their products, I know it's a good product. Yeah. You know, like you know it's a good fucking product. I I gotta order some more. I haven't ordered, you know, they give me an amount every month.

Okay. I can get a little bit, a couple, I don't go crazy, I don't take advantage of them. I just get the shan, be grateful. And every other month, I'll get the fucking alpha brain. And they, you know, I called Joe, and they've sent me kettlebells. I have them, and they sent me the club bats.

Oh, wow. I guess that I couldn't go work out. So I just did the club bats and I hit the bag in my backyard. That's what's up. I'm on the antibiotics still, so I got to be fucking cool as shit. So it was just It's a real good company and that's basically it is selling

What you like I could never sell a fucking What's those things you just sell on the phone? Time share Bullshit And even if it gets in the timeshare they get raped Now finally I've seen the commercials That you call the service and they unrape you with a timeshare Yeah

You gotta be a fucking retard to get a timeshare from day one Like yeah we're gonna come out here every year Once a year. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're gonna get sick of that for four fucking years. Now, we rent, we're smart. It's not smart.

Just mind your business. Yeah. I don't wanna go anywhere the same fucking year. I don't wanna go anywhere twice the same fucking year. I do it in comedy. Clubs get furious at me. I know. You're not coming in.

They're trying to add shows when you were there. You're like, no, my plane leaves tomorrow. My plane leaves tomorrow. I'm done. I had three days you got me. That's it. Use me to the best. You want to do a 6 AM show?

I'm all in. I'm awake. and rock but if not it's just uh but with the time share I was an appointment setter so it was kind of like all I had to do was get him to go to the appointment and they would give me 60 bucks of every couple that show like the mayor of wash you're the same difference you walk them into the cave listen it's gonna be a great time they do the midnight show and shit just go in there I'll come check on you an hour you come back on an hour they're throwing dust water on gasoline they're looking at you I thought you were gonna hook us up

I thought it was a triple feature. I thought it was a double Harry. What is it? Dirty Harry triple feature. Yeah. Yeah, I can't take people to the grave like that. I tried. When I was, when I worked, I tried.

Don't get me wrong. I used to work for a company that used to sell medical OSHA. Okay. But the scam was, if we don't get the package back in 15 days, we'll bill you it. It was $1.99. You're a doctor. Yeah.

Guess what? If I got to pay $200 or walk to that post office, there's some days if you catch me at the right moment, I'll give you the $200 and I can go to that fucking post office, you know? Didn't you used to go to those timeshare meetings though when you were a comic? I would go to them for the $50. Yeah, because. They give you $75 bucks.

Yeah, and they give you like a free jukebox and like a vacation pass. Dog, there's nothing like when you walk into a place, you ain't got no money, you got bad credit. And you're going to tell them no the first time. And then you're going to put them through hell. Because I'm like, no, why not? I got bad credit. Oh, we work with bad credit people all the time.

And that's when you start asking for shit. Really? You got any sandwiches? We'll get your sandwich. Just fill out this little credit app and you take your time on the credit app. You got any chips? You got any jello or any whipped cream or anything like that.

And by the time you're nice and full, they run your credit app and they come back with their face pale. Like, listen, you got it. You were right. You have bad credit. And now it just gets around. You just keep going to these timeshions, and at the end of it, you go, you know, I got bad credit.

Yeah. I just came to see what it was all about. Well, thank you for coming to you. They got pissed off of you. Yeah, but I'm only here for three days. I got to take all the $75 pieces. I can't. For five shows in those days, Myrtle Beach pay like $300.

Damn. I want to pay, you know, $450, $450 to feature with a condo around the corner, which is nice. They had a nice pool, and you can walk to the beach from the condo. So I would turn a $4.50 a week into a fucking 950 week. Okay. By doing seminars Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

Saturday and Sunday I slept, and then I stayed dead until the next guys came in on Wednesday. That's how you save on money. You just stay in a condo. Tell the lady when she comes to clean it Monday night, I ain't going to cook, I ain't going to do nothing. I'm saving money.

I'm not going to eat in this fucking dirty condo. Hell, no. I'm going to go to the supermarket and eat sandwiches. I got paid. I'm saving on rent for the next week, too. If you're on the road and you're staying on the road, You stay in the condo until Wednesday. It only takes you a day drive to the next destination. Don't let you stay in the condo to save money.

Oh, cool. Yeah, a lot of people would. I mean, you're above condo work right now. Oh, yeah. Fuck no more condo. Rogan took you to four seasons. Daugan, that shit. Oh, that shit fuck me up.

They made coffee up, bro. He took me those four seasons once. I think it was in Denver. Bro, they had a cough machine in the hallway. Like an espresso. On the 12th floor, every floor, had a cough machine. Are you fucking kidding me? This was years ago.

I thought I hit the jackpot. I was worried when I went, I lost my fucking credit card in Houston. So I fucking pulled out $3,000 thinking I was going to be like, yo, here's $3,000 bucks. Does this cover? I went there and they're like, that doesn't even cover how much it costs to stay here. And I was like, all right, fuck it. So I called my baby's mom.

I said, hey, I need you to send your credit card info. She's like, I got you, whatever. They were looking at me weird because they didn't know who. I was once they fucking seen who booked the room and shit they came back to the room fucking they gave me sodas and sandwiches and shit like four seasons flipped out there like hey just so you know you got $300 credit to eat to watch whatever you want every day I was like you guys wouldn't even take my credit card they're like we made a mistake dog they were it was wild it was crazy they took you the fog of the chat no we went to uh we ate

We ate with Alex Jones on the patio and that was wild and not we were only there for two days Friday Saturday yeah Friday Saturday came back Sunday they wouldn't let Alex Jones into the comedy club you said they wouldn't let him in the story either I heard come on yeah I heard Sam was supposed to have him there on a comedy cast and they're like nah no shit yeah you can always edit this if you want no no no I was going to have him on the podcast yeah and uh That's what I heard. I was because my producer, Xavier, he produces for Sam now. Okay.

And he was like, dog, the store winning, Alex Jones on my homie. They kicked him out of 7-Eleven when I was. Bro, when Aaron kicked you out, when ISIS kicks you out of 7-Eleven, you've pissed somebody off. You've really hit the fucking piss. I love Alex. I love Alex. I love Alex. I love him. He was cool.

Let me tell you something about Alex. I don't know what he's done. 70% of the shit he talks about is money, and it's an education for people to listen. Uh-huh. But the other 30% is so fucking out there that it nullifies the 70% a good shit. Like I watched him on Rogan.

He was talking some shit that was on the money. But then he goes off until whatever. I was going to have him on about three or four weeks ago, the week before I went to New York to do the movie. And I was sick. I was feeling like shit. And we had done a podcast early, and he called me, and he said he was going to be a half hour late. We've been sitting here since 12 o'clock.

We just wrapped up a podcast for you to be here on time early. Yeah. And now you're going to be, I go, if you're going to be late to 3.30, like a half hour? And they go, no, no, he's going to be there more like 4.30. It's not going to happen. You know, I can't wait an hour. In fact, your producer called me like eight times to make sure. He told me at 3.30.

Yeah. And then Eddie called and said he had to leave at 440 to go coach his kids' softball game. I wasn't mad or anything. Yeah. The problem was that I needed Eddie here to play devil's at, like not devil's advocate, to calm him down. Yeah.

I don't know how to calm, you know. Me, I just know how to yell. Yeah. But if he comes in here with the craziness, I got to fucking say something. And if he says something about the school killing with the kids, I got to throw him off the balcony. I got to get him.

I didn't even know he said any of that shit. That's what's crazy. That's the thing that makes me depressed. Hey, it's fun. I can see you too. Just thought, Hey, Joey,

what's going on? You know me, I got no, I can't be talking about kids. Nah, I have a child. I would hate for my child for something.

Straight up. And then somebody mocks my child. Straight up. A lot of the shit he says is beautiful. I love Alex. I've had hilarious times with Alex. I had a great, time on the show I gave edibles twice what he do oh dog he was at the UFC with us

twice he didn't learn his lesson the first time the first time he came to Vegas and he called my motherfucking bluff he goes do those edibles don't get me high I don't do nothing to me I don't know what I gave him he said that his body was you know he had some type of Joe DiMaggio blood like perrecha and he wasn't going to get high me and Arieney in those days used to come to those things stuff with edibles and acid did you own Benjamin him did he is this is that when it started him we gave him the real deal we gave him a piece of edible he ate it in front of us like nothing happened he's I'm telling you guys you're wasting your time with this this is not gonna go down

and all of some we got to the UFC and it was the good section of Vegas this that was one of those places the MGM Grand oh expensive S seats they gave you free free food in this section till the main card. Oh, wow, you don't got to get up or nothing. So they would give you hot dogs, a diet, a soda, popcorn, or a pretzel. Okay.

And he's either sitting behind me or in front of me, and I'm gone. Me and Ari are gone, giggling. We're looking at the fights. We're betting on the fights. And also Alex Jones is telling us how these edibles don't work. And this shit's a joke in California, just to scare the consumer.

And next thing you know, bro, that waitress came by and he grabbed. He grabbed the hand on the grip, you know, when the hand comes out of the cemetery. He grabbed his waitress, and he's like, excuse me. What do you have? And she's like, I got pretzels, hot dogs, sodas, and whatever. Popcorn. And he goes, give me one of each. I go, what happened?

I thought it didn't hit you. Well, this must be heavy duty because whoever made this. And then after we went to dinner, and he disappeared. And there was a U.S.C. in Houston. I think it was the GSP one. He came up from Austin, and that's when I had those badass. I used to get these little cookies, these little chocolate chip, white charcoal. Somebody made them.

I mean, I brought one specifically. He was talking shit. We ate it. And then at the E.O.C., he just disappeared. Yeah. And his assistant came up to me that night. We don't know where Alex went. I'm like, what the fuck did he go?

Then like an hour later, when we were headed out of there, the assistant told Rogan, yeah, your friend gave him a cookie and he's in the whole time room seeing Martians and shit. Joe was mad at me for like two minutes and we just fucking tired of that.

And that was the last time I saw. That was the last time I saw him. So I was looking forward to see him a couple weeks ago. I don't want the church family to think that I was mean to him. No, no. I don't really give a fuck if people ban him.

Yeah. That gives us more. I like people who have been banned. society you know what i'm gonna give you a second chance so straight up uh it was just that the type was a time constraint is that there a conspiracy that he he used to have the same agent as a famous comedian that died i don't know who's the famous committee i forgot it he was bomb he's a store favorite not kittes him no he was a young kid that somebody found kinnison took him under his wing i think yeah he's from texas this guy i think

Bill Hicks. Yes. Bill Hicks. They said that Bill Hicks is Alex Jones. Same age, same agents and all that shit. That's just the conspiracy. Look at Joey's face right now. Like this motherfucker fucking rot.

Joey doesn't like any of that stuff. Me neither. That's why I had to tell him. He looked at me like. Listen, it's not that I don't like him. No, no, no. You don't like conspiracy theories. No.

It's not that I don't like conspiracy theories. It's like anything else. I don't like anything that waste a person's time. I don't like stuff that I look at and go, that's a waste of time, but maybe you look at it and say it's informative. That's great. Yeah.

But for you to really dwell into it and take you away from your potential, that shit kind of pisses me all. I'm not really into them. I'm into feeding people into them and to see what they say. I love Alex. Alex. Oh, yeah.

It's not being against them or whatever. You know, it's like gay people. We all have a gay friend. And we all feel weird about gay people or whatever. But if you ever met some, like I put the, you know, I put the roster up last week. From when I was in a couple weeks ago, like a month ago, I put the roster up with an open mic in Seattle. Rita O. was a transgender. In 1995, how many people were really tight with a transgender?

Guess what I was. Yeah? Because she became a comedian to me. Okay. Is it the same way I was a man becoming a girl? Yeah. Well, what was Rita's original name? Fucking Dumbo.

I don't know. He was half Japanese and half Irish. Wow. His big joke on stage was that he had his dick in a jar. He really did carry it around. No, he didn't. So he got it cut off already? Yeah, it was like liquefied and mummified.

I don't know. But he was on disability. She was on disability. It was a very... I saw all the sadness in it at the time. she really tried to fit in and I gave it that opportunity. I feel it.

I took a lot of shit, dog. Yeah, I feel it. But on paper, I'm a different person. You know what I'm saying? You know, I'll say something about black people. You and I both know how much I love Mexican. It's black people. So you just make a joke, you know what I'm saying?

But it's when you see the humanity in them. I saw the humanity and read it. You know, I know a lot of gay people. And I'm tired of a lot of gay people. And I overcome it because I don't look at it. It's got nothing to do with me. For me, it was hard, dog, because getting out of prison, we wanted to kill them. It's on site.

Yeah. Yeah. And then to get out, I had to, like, really readjust myself. Like, all right, dog, you're no longer in a society where the rules. Those are rules that you, when you go to prison, you're going into another world. So that's the rules of that world will never change. It will never change. Right.

I understand what you said. And then when I got out, I was like, all right, homie, now you have an option. And it was kind of weird. But, hey, dog, I got a couple homies. You know what I mean? From comedy. Comedy makes you meet weird people. I'm weird to them too.

You know, when you first start comedy out, the first three or four years, three years, you meet open-mic girls to the comics. And your first daughter is like, wow, this isn't a bad job. Yeah. You know, I get to meet hot chicks. I'm going to try the fuck her. Maybe the girl, it's the truth.

I mean, maybe the girl doesn't have her feet on the floor. Yeah. Probably at the time for comedy, you know, you're gonna help me write jokes and all this shit and you sleep with them After three or four years if you slept with two or three comics Then you start becoming a comic you start looking at them Genderless like last night I saw Felicia what do I gain by hitting on Felicia? Yeah, what do you gain by hating on Kate Quigley or Chelsea? Skidmore? What's the next skidmore? You just get another comic that says you I met George and he was kind of creepy.

You're going to see those people for the next 20 fucking years. Yeah. And God knows if she ever married, somebody fucking, like a famous fucking director and she brings you in a... I mean, the possibilities are in this. Yeah, we're going to make... You're not in comedy, you're not going to like everybody. That's a beautiful thing about life.

Not everybody likes everybody. I mean, we get along, and you know what I'm talking about this. I know exactly. Tons of people that you get along with, but you're not going to invite them to your house for Easter Sunday. Yeah. To eat with you. And I understand that.

The same thing goes with comedy. But 20 years ago, by 1995, I understood what a female comic was. And I tried my hardest to be a gentleman around them. Now this goes both ways. See, when I'm in a female comic and she's at the condo, I'm going to fart. I'm going to scratch my balls.

You want, you want equality. I'm the headliner. No, even if I was. It's featured in their headlining. I'm going to induct you into the family of what it's like to be in this world. Yeah. So when we're eating lunch,

if I make a racist remark or a joke, you've got to laugh. If I say something about farting, the fucking chick up the ass and put my dick in the mouth, you understand me? Yeah. As a woman, you have to lose those feelings. Oh, gross.

Yeah. You have to look at me as another comic. Yep. It's really fucking weird what you learn in the comedy world or even the business world. You know, now let's say you get a job at the L.A. Phil. First thing you gotta do is take a fucking class now on getting along with co-workers and

Yeah, especially now with Biden touching that Mexican fucking neck What the fuck was he thinking you know rubbing her shoulders and shit? He smelt that Mexican scalp and smelled like 10 dead fucking Cornfields like her uncle fries corn all day And he's like what I touch his Mexican for that's what you get bitch Keep your hands to yourself hugging these ugly fuck man that chick is ugly as fuck That governor she looks like a Mexican ape that chick. Oh, yeah. That's like Mexican plan of the apes. Why do you want to fuck it? Biden hasn't had a hard on since the Nixon administration. I think he really wants to fuck this Mexican. He's just so

old. Yeah. And he wanted to fit him. Well, now that's not allowed no more. They call it something. Sexual awareness training. Damn. You have to be sexual awareness training. In comedy, they don't have that. Yeah. I've only worked at strip clubs. There's no HR. There's no HR. And that's the thing about working with that you get to know from female comics. You're like, I can't make this chick my enemy and I can't fuck her. So I'm going to keep her in between as an ally. Yeah. She becomes an ally.

And pretty soon, if you treat it with respect, pretty soon you reap what you sell. Yeah. Someday, like Little Esther or anybody, they're going to start dating a writer. And that writer's going to come home and they say, who did he have for this part? She's going to go, you know, who's always been nice to me, Joey. Not the funniest guy in the world, he's been nice to me. You know, that's the thing about having those female friends. They look out for you.

Just like we do the reverse. Yeah, they have the mother thing going on. Yeah. So you're cool to them. They're cool to you. You can't fuck every comic. So why are you going to? I have never.

No, no. I have. Never? I have. It's not a good movie. I've never fucked a comic. It's really a mistake. I'll torture.

I was also seven years into comedy. And I also have to blame the blow on that because I used to blow together. Wow. Things would happen. Doing drugs with that girl comic? Yeah, when you do an open mic, you meet all types. And you can either let them come over your house and sleep it off, or you can start swap and spit with them and end up fucking them,

and now you have a situation at the club. Emotions are involved. Now the next time she sleeps with a comic, you're going to be pissed. You pick up a customer. She's going to be pissed. So it's better not even to get involved. Unless you're going to marry that person. Unless you look at that person, you know, for like three or four months,

you and her have this electricity, it's not worth it. Because somewhere along the line is going to bite you in the fucking ass. If you get more funny than she does, if she gets more success than you, it never ends good. You know, yeah, I made the mistake, bro. You know, we used to leave the comedy club

and go to a couple bars, and then she'd go, what do you want to do next? Let's go to your house. You know, okay, my roommate's out of town. She's an electrician, or whatever the fuck she is. The first couple times, You know, when you first start doing comedy, you dedicate so many of your life,

so much of you like to comedy, that's all you're meeting. I remember that. Yeah. It's not like you got a chance to meet straight chicks. When you meet a straight chick, that's not a comic, you almost out of Harvard. For the first five years of comedy, you only meet comic girls and waitresses.

Yeah. You don't meet nobody outside that circle. It's not like you go to a library and the chick. You're at those places. I was lucky. I was fucking the strippers that I was working with this late time. All the waitresses have bought, which is also bad.

business because they're the ones that report to the commissioner when you're gone. You know, so if you fuck a waitress, yeah. For real. If you fuck a waitress, another waitress is going to find out, and she's going to go up behind your back and the other waitress and say, you know, when Joey Diaz was here, Janine sucked this dick in the green room. Or they went drinking somewhere, something like that. So you always lose.

Knock out wood, I did it one time with, I never really mess with waitresses. My thing was the other comic. and the only other waitress I even looked at was Terry and I ended up marrying her wow yeah that's what I met Terry within the month yeah I had an idea it was I just got along with her yeah easy going you wanted to be around she understood me then the second month or third month she did something that blew my mind like she didn't care about money she gave me the last 14 dollars she had four cigarettes to go to New York usually when a chick does that you're embarrassed as fuck I wasn't

embarrassed like I took it as she were a team now mm-hmm so right off the like we met in July and I knew by August that we were gonna hang out you know this was cool this was cool I don't know if I'm marry now but somewhere along the line and look knock on wood you know things right up things involved George Perez what else brother it's chilling brother you know grinding I did my 100 episode podcast it was fucking insane you did it live we did it live at the strip At the strip club. Started at 9 o'clock.

I got there at 7.30 to set up. We already had 80 motherfuckers in that place. Everybody was trying to give me coke and shit. I was like, dog, I got to perform. Chill out. It was wild. They kicked the taco guy out. We're not eating tonight.

There was a taco guy that was outside. They told us, get the fuck out of here. Everybody was snort. Yeah. Get out of here. And it was cool. 30 strippers showed up. I thought about it.

I was going to hit up Lee and be like, you're licking ass tonight. You down for the 100 episodes? I had a show. I would have come. You got to take them down there with all those. Can I? Joey, can I?

Two times. Especially the next couple weeks. Yeah. Take them down. Whenever you want. Get them down. Get them down and get them to eat some pussy. Oh, I got it.

Get them to fuck a chick with chlamydia. You get pimples on this stuff. Why does you have to have chlamydia? It's an experience. Your body will now, when you need to, if you want to become a great command like you want to, you've got to take some of the ropes.

and limitations. Yeah. But why am I giving myself chlamydia? You have too many limitations and too many ropes. That's a good limitation to have. No, and it's time for you to break out of your fucking rusty cage. If not, you're going to end up in your cage forever, my friend. You know what?

I got hit up by other strip clubs because they heard all the strippers left their clubs to come to this because my podcast is so much about strippers. And they went back and told the owner, it's Tuesday night. This guy had 115 people in the club. at 9 o'clock Who else that you up? As far as strippers or comedians? Strip clubs.

Oh, I got hit up by the Rhino. Where's the Rhino at? There's four of them now. They got them in Torrance everywhere. Rhinos, like, they're like the improv. They have one in Santa Barbara, right? Yeah, they got one in every state. They ain't fucking around.

But it's kind of a cool idea. If I was to do it, I go to a strip club on an off night, take the door, have a porn star on stage, You know, and a comedian from that state, and you do a live podcast. And then afterwards, there's so many customers in there that the strippers are like, all right, now it's time to get naked. Because all the strippers at my show were in the audience.

That's crazy. And they were just like, hey, after the show, can we dance in here? And I was like, yeah, because you're allowed to audition for one day. So they sign a paper they're auditioning. And it, dog. I, you ever, you're gonna, you're gonna come back in a couple weeks and I'm gonna look like George. George. I had to sneak

away from my home fucking party episode. It was like one in the morning. There was still 80 people in there. I couldn't find my keys. And they were like, I put them on my tire. Like, when you go to the car wash? Because everybody kept going, let me use your key to do coke. I was like, no, you guys are going to give them back.

Fuck that. So I put them and I hit him on my car tire. And I was looking from everywhere. And I finally found him. I fucking left. I just left. Went to the house. 20 minutes later. where are you at dog we're here we want to make sure you got home safe i was like bitch my car's on the driveway you know i got home safe and then first time i called in to work in about eight years did you really you were that far and then my owner called me and he was like don't trip dog

no girls showed up today they were all there last night yeah so nobody was down the day shift no because all the day shift came at work night shift and the club that i did it at was called the house of Eden and fourton my owner of my club his brother owns that club i did it like so the money stayed in the family and guess what the bar did on a fucking tuesday night seven thousand yeah you got all those people join dog so those were but there was bottle buckets of bottles on the floor like it was too much it was we had the midget was there that famous midget she showed up and she she's imagine patrice o'neal as a girl midget she was wearing a little black leather gloves dog she was with it though she was with it it was with it it was wild dog we got

camp i'll show you some videos it was a wild it's funny last night i was talking to jason lucas a couple weeks ago whatever and we were talking about how people grow i watched you grow so much in the last two years thank you brother it's been like you just see people and you're like let me keep my eye on that person and every six months you keep your eye on three people you're You watch their movements. You watch their social media. You hear about them. You've grown a lot, man.

Thank you, brother. How are you doing this podcast? So you've done 100 episodes already. Yeah. 100. And you had Martin down there? Yeah, I had Martin, Jason Rouse. I had Danny, the sound engineer from the comedy store.

What was he doing? He was, he's been on my podcast. He was tripping out. He was just like, hey, George, like, there's nowhere to sit. I was like, go sit on that girl's lap. Like it was even dog Imagine going to the strip club and you should seem perverts there Now there was fine as they were throwing money on me on stage

It was girls were telling me to do coke off their pussy in front of everybody And I was like man if everybody turns her phone off I'll do it but I can't do it with phones out You're living like the Molly crew brother You're the real dirt of comedy. That's what I love about you. You live like Molly crew dog. Hey man, I had to It was fun dog You know? Because I have a always picture myself a stripper I always want to get on stage I hate when new girls come to the club I hate when bitches dance to my song and I love strippers dog I got like a special

love for yeah because like like you know and now I everybody gives me free weed the poor strippers they're getting robbed so at work I give all the strippers all the extra weed that I have and it saves them an hour because you know they got kids and families dog they get weed at work go home, smoke, smoke with her boyfriend, it's cool. I'm getting a nice bond with strippers. I like it. Well, you see the humanity side from them. Exactly how you just said about.

You see the humanity. Once you see that, the girl has, you know, when a girl comes up to and says, hi, I'm cinnamon. Do you want to lap dancing? You're like, sure, you fucking pig. And you're a barracuda. You know, you grab their tits, they have no respect. You grab their tit, their pussy until they go stop.

And you're like, fuck you. I just gave you $25. for fucking a three minute terrible song. I'm going to try to grab this pussy. And then once you stop that, you start talking to them. If they're real, I like, my real name is Jesse. Yes.

It's not cinnamon. Doc Jesse's such a common name. And I have two kids. Jesse and Jennifer's, they're all hoarse. You never be more whores named Jennifer in all your fucking life. Remember, I grew up with Irish girls. You mean it Jennifer? You're sucking a tits and a pussy.

So it's like, once you sit and talk them, and they go, my name is Jesse. and my husband left me and I have two kids. Tonight they're with that mother. If they're being honest with you, you know in their voice. Yeah. And now they become a woman to you. Now there's nothing different between her and your mom.

They're just trying to make ends meet. She's a run up. And she's got no education. You know, maybe she does. But she knows if she goes to an office, she can't take care of a baby. Exactly. This is the fastest way from A to Z. And the for sure way.

And the for sure way. She's still got a body left. Yeah. The pussy's still tight. I'll let you finger me with gloves on You know what I'm saying? Because I want to have two more kids after this I don't want to have fucking

What's that psoriasis in my pussy From your dead skin fingers I mean I used to date a stripper One day she came home And she's like, you're not gonna believe this And I go, what happened? She goes, a truck driver Wanted to eat my ass for $60

At that time I was broke I was $60, did you do it? She goes, you know Not really because I didn't want Coffee breath in my asshole I go, what the fuck are you talking about? She goes, oh truckers drink much coffee they have to stay up at night so that breath is like coffee next time

the truth take the fucking coffee breath in your head it's your asshole and it's really weird I dated a stripper and dating them is completely different no yeah dating them now you're putting yourself on front street oh with them and you know what you're trying to be cool but you ain't cool yeah you're laying on guys you're coming home and then you start making a little remarks go take a shower you say you snatch bitch oh they hate that shit they hate that shit so I dated with one and that was it I knew once that was over there was no reason for me to walk like I didn't even hang out of the trip I met her at a comedy club in Michigan and then she made me drive a home

and then take her the what's the one when there's 99 good looking ones and one ugly one and a fat one deja vu deja vu yeah oh you're talking oh gee shit that's oh dude they stajaboo's line was nine and nine pretty ones and one ugly one yeah she were they probably had an ugly one on purpose do you have no sometimes the ugly guys like We got like three ugly ones right now and these dirty the best ones. Yeah. What do they do? They don't have any limits.

Imagine just getting jacked off within a minute. Someone just mad dog in you and you nuts. Just daring him in the eye. Yeah, we got this one at my work right now, dog. Oh, she's so fine. A DJ quit. She's not fine, but you can tell she knows how to fuck. And one of the DJs quit came back a week later, got a drunk,

strapped her down to his truck took her home and he was like dog when i turned the lights on i sobered up but when those lights were off i was having the time of my life and i was like damn yeah some of those medium strippers they've been fucking in suckers they were eight the fucking fourth grade oh for real it's crazy dog i met a girl about a year ago we were just talking i don't know what city of Columbus Utah think it was Utah we were talking after the There was a couple people that she told me right out like she goes you don't understand I started giving blow jobs in high school yeah I don't be in a soft wife to blow my boyfriend everywhere that was the big thing and I'm like damn yeah some of these fuckers

she was in front of a lot of the people there's a lot of the people in the room yeah but you never fucking know you never know what these women have run up to I like that you work at a strip club and I like that you found that you look after them yeah exactly you look at them now you're like they could be my daughter yeah Yeah. Any one of them could be my daughter. I see dad, dog. I've had to like tell dads, hey, homie. I would love to let you in, but I lose my job. You want my advice? Call her, wait for her in the... Give her a thousand. This chick ain't going to leave this. She's making a thousand today. You better give her a thousand time to meet you outside and talk to them. There's been dads that come in there, dog. Really? I'm like, she's 23. Sorry, dog. Like, I'm not, I can't do anything. trying to fight me and shit you know we had Chelsea Skidmore in here and she was saying that she danced

for a while and had her father found out and sent her a text wow I said you broke my heart or some shit I would die you know yeah but you have to look at it from the eye who knows why people do the things they do you know

the evil men do George Perez you got no dates in May nothing in May me neither let's do some let's do like a 10 seater first eight people that come to

people on standby. I'll call you and we'll figure something out. Maybe we'll do some ice house. It's time just to warm me up before. Or a belly room or something. What is it? What am I doing?

New Orleans and Atlanta, the 8th and 9th of June. So we'll do something. If you got any openings in Atlanta, dog, I'll pay my flight. No, no, no, I got a redo. I got my boy because he's coming up from Florida from his ship, Steve.

Oh, yeah, you're rescheduling everything. Yeah. I'll reschedule everything. So I fucking kill me. I'm happy you took the time out. All day. You did tremendous on your mama's house. You did tremendous today, and I'm proud of you.

Thank you. Thank you. I learned a lot from you, man. Dangerous, my danger. Danger. Danger. I want to thank George Perez. I want to thank the flying Jew,

and I want to thank you guys for listening. And now for a word from our sponsors. All right, you dirty bastards. I want to thank George Perez. I want to thank the Christkiller. But most importantly, I want to thank you little fucking savages. But let's give a word out to our sponsors. is to get this party started. Like I told you in the beginning, listen, next weekend is Mother's Day,

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While I'm here in New York, in between two fucking movies and whatnot, writing and doing it all, you guys got my back always. You understand me? So I want to thank George Perez. I want to thank the Christ killer, but most importantly,

I want to thank you, you motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. See you Monday morning, tit-top, Magoo, ready to fucking go. George Perez and Lee, take this motherfucking mule.