The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #682 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

Kate Quigley, a stand up comedian, actress seen on MTV, and host of the "#DateFails" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Pro Flowers - It's Mothers Day. Get a dozen assorted roses for $19.99. Visit ProFlowers.com, click on the microphone in the upper right corner, and use promo code HAPPENING.   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH   

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Yule. Is the church who's happened now on a motherfucking one. Wednesday. Got my little sweetheart cake Quigley with problems. Yeah. You got the Christ killer. He's still happy about Easter.

He's been sharpening his knife this Easter. Oh, yeah. It's a fucking Wednesday morning, motherfuckers. Get up, get out, wash that pussy. You want something to happen? Make it happen, motherfucker. Here we go. How do rumors get started?

What? Started by the jealous people. That's in something they had and something. What? Ooh, they just don't. Get it. It's Wednesday, motherfuckers. It's your day.

You own this motherfucker. What? Here we go. She loose. Drinking a juice. You understand me? What are you nuts? That was the last time somebody drank your juice.

It's been a minute. It's been. It's been. You gotta get back on the fucking hoars. I really do need to. You need to drink their juice and I need to drink your juice. I'm afraid. My cheeks hurt.

What are you afraid of? I don't know. I've gotten to a place where I feel a little afraid of dating now because I haven't dated since November and everything has been pretty calm. I mean, until a couple weeks ago. I mean, you've been on some dates. You just haven't got fucked. Yeah. Right.

Okay. I've been on dates. I'll go on one or two and then this is real. You show me a titty, anything? I'm the first date No, no, no, I don't just show it You either go for fucking the home run or nothing Honestly, my thing is

They can touch whatever But once I'm naked, I'm going to fuck them I can't, you can't get naked and not have sex How bullshit, do you ever date somebody in the first date They'd play games or you? What do you mean? I'm sucking dick, but I won't fuck you listen I won't do that. See, I won't do that.

I got an episode of Law & Order coming on in 35 minutes You suck this meal, you go Vamos. I had a girl come over took her shirt off, stayed the night, sucked it, but wouldn't take her... She slept in her jeans. What? Was she on her period?

I don't know. Did you ask? No. Did you touch? I'd talk over the jeans, but yeah, she wouldn't take her jeans, though. Why didn't you take a mock? What would you do?

She had a big black cock. Joey. What would you do? It would be surprising since she was white with red hair, but you'd be spitting up a storm for a week, you understand? No way. Wait, but why didn't...

Did you ask her to take her pants off or try? She said she said she wasn't comfortable yet, but she came over. at midnight for the first date. Oh, she came at midnight for the first date? Yeah. See, I've never done that shit. This fucking guy meets chicks on Tinder and they turn them down. One wanted to take it slow. When he called me next day, goes,

you met her on Tinder, but she wanted to take it slow. Yeah, they all say that. They're all wires. Sometimes they mean it. No, they don't. I mean it when I say it. No, you don't. I saw you on Tinder. What? I'm on Tinder. I'm back on Tinder. But I don't fuck. I don't like just have sex.

Here's the problem. I'm, you know, I'm, you know, I'm. I'm like really sexual, but I'm really picky. So I don't get naked with them until I'm sure that I want to like date him. But once I'm naked, we're fucking. There's no in between for me. There's no like, there's no stop at third base. Yeah. It's a home run.

I fucking play, I blueball me the death. You already took your clothes off. Yeah, but lately it's happened twice that I've met great guys. And like when they're into me, I panic. And I like run away because I'm afraid that I'm going to fuck up their life. somehow. That's really true. Like, I'm afraid that... Well, you probably will if you're that afraid of. But what are you really afraid of that you might cheat on them, that you might... No, I've never cheated. Something awkward. I mean, what are you really afraid of?

I think what it really is, honestly, is that I broke my ex-husband's heart so bad that I think I'm just scared of doing that to someone else. But listen, how many times that these idiots broke your fucking heart? So many times. But I think that... I think that's the whole reason. Like, you were giving me shit. about the guys that I pick, and you're right, but I think the reason is like on some level, I think it's because I know if anyone gets hurt it'll be me, which is stupid.

I'm trying to fix it. But that's why I haven't dated since November and since the last thing was kind of traumatic and I just haven't really got back out there. I dated two girls in my life. I've dated two girls who are promiscuous. And I'm going to tell you how I feel about it because I've never talked about this before on a podcast.

Because it bothers me how I feel about this. I was raised Catholic. and I was raised in a very special place. You know, I know girls who have been with two guys because I know them since they were 10. I know a girl that's been with the same guy from fucking high school. Yeah, me too. But most of the girls that I grew up with are with two-guy girls.

Yeah. They fucked a guy in high school. He took their virginity. They left them when they threw a football at them. And then they hooked up with another guy, now they've been married for 28 fucking years. Well, that's how I was. I was a virgin.

So I never understood. I didn't really know the game until I met a stripper. And I started dating the stripper. Yeah. It was just very, very, I love it dearly. We're still friends. Yeah. But she's very bad news.

And I look at her naked. And I remember there were some nights that I would feel bad for her. Because I didn't understand. if she knew how beautiful she was and how special her body was. I'm sure she doesn't. When a girl comes to me and says, God, I thought you about something.

I had sex with the guy. We giggle. We have a laugh. But inside my heartbreaks. Because somewhere there's a guy that got the best out of you. Yeah, but I masturbated in front of him and he ate my, that's all great.

But somewhere there's a guy with a story. Somewhere there's a guy. I totally agree. with you. That's why I'm always afraid to... I've always wanted women to have a little bit more respect for themselves because somewhere there's a fucking slob like me. You're not.

I could not live with that if I was a woman. I know what you mean. I cannot live with that. I know what you mean. I have obviously left some stories. This beautiful little fucking pussy between my legs that was that good that made a man feel that good. I'd be so fucking selective.

And the main thing would be, because I don't want a motherfucker and have a story about me. Well, I'm that way with, like, comedy club, employees, people. I'm that way on the road. Like, I don't want anybody to have a story. That's why I never go out with, like, I mean, I hate to say it, but I never really go out with, like, fans after shows and stuff, because I just know I don't want something like that to be left behind.

I mean, obviously. And you will. Listen, you're all natural. Yeah, it's happened. We're human. We make mistakes. I have a dear friend who's solid as a comic, and she told me when she first started.

She took a guy home and she really enjoyed him. They said friends for her, but it became uncomfortable for her. She couldn't do it anymore. She didn't get into comedy to do that. You know, we all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. I just thought that, you know, I have a daughter now. Nobody loves pussy more than me.

I love eating, putting cocaine on it, eat your ass. You know, just it's, it's, but I've always, one day we were having a joke and Joe Rogan goes, Anybody you ever date killed themselves? I said it serious. I go, they should. If you suck my dick, you should fucking kill yourself. No.

Stop. I can't imagine sucking my fat dick and seeing that one ball that's fucking. Your balls are huge. My balls are like, what's his name? Saucers. They look like, you know, like Marty Falman eyes? I know what they look like. They look horrible.

I feel bad for, and I'm not saying this is a joke. Like, I feel bad if you got drunk one night and we hooked up. like today I think about you and I'm like Oh stop Are you thinking? Yes I do But you were like an animal It sounds like you were great It doesn't matter what I was an animal

You shouldn't feel bad It's a truth though These women are married To a nice guy now They have kids And one night when they're holding their kid They're looking through Netflix And there's a picture of me talking about stupidity

And they gotta go back and go Fuck I suck this dick in a bathroom one To the bar But you know what I bet they hold that memory In a happy place They don't. I wouldn't hold that fucking memory in a happy place.

There's no guy I've ever slept with. There's one or two that I regret, but there are ones that I actually dated. But there's never been a guy that I did have that kind of a circumstance with where it was like a fling or like a one night thing that I regretted because it's happened so rarely that in my mind they're kind of like a fun exciting like, wow, that's rare for me. So it's a cool memory. Even if I threw up on him or something bad happened, it's still in my head like a fun, that story that I have. I had a friend in Seattle, a comic friend. She doesn't do comedy no more. We were open micers together.

I never fooled around with her nothing. I liked her. She drove to gigs. She was really cool with us. She always brought weed. And I remember one morning she wanted a Kate rampage. We were talking about something. And she's like, I got to tell you what happened last night.

We were on Al-Qa-Kai Beach. Okay. I'll never forget this. We were an Al-Qi breakfast spot where I used to see Eddie Vedder. Oh, wow. Eddie Vedder would eat there from time to time. This is 95. This is 20, whatever, years ago, 30 years ago.

And I'll never forget her telling me the story once. And this is when I was, I wasn't ready for this shit, these kind of stories from women. Yeah. And I go, what'd you end up doing the other night? Because we used to go to a bar on Monday nights. There was Seattle Comedy Underground. And then half of us would go to a bar in the artistic area. And there would be go-go dancers and cages and shit.

And she was pretty high. she was cute she was just young and and i always thought she had it together until this one morning that we were talking and i go to what happened to you that night like i hadn't seen her in like five days and like hey we were all together what happened to you the you left us there and she's like i gotta tell you what happened oh my god and she went into this whole thing how the bartender reminded her of a boyfriend in high school and she couldn't forget about a boyfriend and so she waited for the guy and she asked him for his nun And then she went home and she waited an hour and called them at three in the morning and went over there and she brought a dildo and all this shit

I'm like she told you all this. She's telling me this and my head's about to blow up. She was like me three years ago and she goes she brought a dildo and the guy put the dilder in her ass and I'm sitting there with my other buddy and I'm just like my other buddy's digging it and I'm laughing along with it but at the same time on the inside you're like this little girl doesn't know she's at 12. Oh, this girl doesn't know she's at 12. Oh, this girl doesn't. doesn't know that she could move to LA right now and get on a cover of any major magazine. And listen to me, you're not gonna believe this story. We sat there long enough, like we're there for like, and I go, where did this guy live? And she goes, it's so funny.

The reason why I'm telling you the story is because he lived a couple blocks from here. And five minutes later, the guy walked by with a girl, holding a hand, walking his dog. his dog and he was really skinny and he was let me tell you some I'm no fucking Omar the fucking model

but this guy was not a good looking guy by no means he was skinny he had dirty jeans on and I'll never forget to look on her face and I'll never forget I don't know what year it was and I still remember the story that I'm going to write for my daughter that's sad because she just told us about a pretty intense sexual thing that it would have to take me a month of doing coke with you to go into.

I mean, he put it to dilder in her ass and taped her and took pictures of her. Taped her? Yeah, like tied her up? Like taped her. Oh, taped, filmed her. Put Polaroid shots of her. Oh, wow. And now there he is walking.

And let me tell you something. If you know anything about me, I got this guy's number. This is how crazy I am about that topic. I got his number at the bar. Yeah. And I would call the bar like just to fuck one. No. Oh yeah.

Let's say his name was Ray. I'm going, I'm looking for you motherfucker. I'm going to break your head and I'd hang up on him. And I found out he was a music promoter at other bars. So I got his number for his house. I love that. And I would torment him.

The girl never knew. Nobody knew. I just knew. That's amazing. You know me to how crazy it was? I moved to L.A. And I would still call him in Seattle. So because I never wanted to just to let him know I was watching him

Who the fuck is this? I got a dog and I would just sit on the phone That's amazing how crazy I am I love guys like that though That's how crazy because he was such a fucking puk and this girl didn't know what she was getting herself into I would have fucked her and came in the mouth and ate her pussy and licked her asshole That's one thing he he treated her like a fucking dog like I know people who treat that dog better shame on her for letting them do these things to her I mean I may but at the same time I hope that she's somewhere right now holding the kid and this comes into her mind I think you go through phases because I feel like I've changed a lot and I feel like that's been part of actually like I mean we talked

about this but I feel like I've been kind of going through a weird time of my life just because I feel like I've changed like I'm a lot more calm I'm not partying as much I'm not hooking up I'm not dating I'm not doing as many like bikini photos and just I feel like a different I feel like I've grown up I've just grown up some and also I've become funnier and I don't feel like I need as many ways to get attention and whatever but I feel like people still associate all that with me so it's been a weird time of like kind of you know trying to show people like it's not to show people it's just being myself has become a little more difficult because the people that are used to that kate are like well, what's going on?

Like, they're waiting for that. I go on the road and people, like, still want to do drugs or, you know, think it's going to be crazy. And it's just, it's not like. Have you not been doing drugs at all? Not much every once in a while, but like once a month versus, you know, all the time. Three nights a week. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really weird how I like when comedy becomes a religion for you. Yeah. I like when something becomes a religion for you that now you're doing things outside that realm to better your comedy. Because you could just you get on stage all you want You get on stage all you want Become a great comic

But it's little things you do on the side Yep That make you a better comic Because you'll have more confidence When you go up on stage And I tell this all the times It's not the little big things It's huge doing stuff

Outside of it I don't know if anybody tells you It's the little thing is unless you do And if you don't do them now It's true It's Penzo You're gonna do them now Or you're gonna do them later

So if I was you I get the fucking doing them. Yeah. Because you're either going to do it now or you're going to have to do it later. It's all part of the process. So yeah. I'm telling you right now to get to fucking step in. Well like Lee when he came to a, Lee came out to Sack Punchline where I recorded to do an album. And it was interesting because I was sober until like the last show. I had a drink. I didn't drink at all during all those shows. So I wanted to be sharp. And then each night instead of like going out, I was listening to my sets. and it was just funny because I was like,

wow, this is what I did when I first started. And it's like easy to get into a habit of like, oh, the shows are going great. I don't need to do this. But it made the hugest difference. Like each set was better. I even added tags that weekend that I hadn't even done. It did so well.

And it was just, it's funny because Brody, when I did Brody's podcast like right before he passed away. And he said the best lesson for me in comedy was active listening. Like I stopped for a while. And then when I started, my comedy got better. And I kept thinking about that. And it really makes a huge difference. It's really weird what goes into being a certain person,

whether you want to be a psychiatrist, whether you want to be a good dentist. It's not just going to, it's so many different aspects. And it's the same with comedy. And everything you do around it strengthens you at some point. You go to Improv Olympic. I don't believe in those places.

But if you do six months there and you mix it with getting on stage every night, that helps. It takes you somewhere. You know, we talk a lot about going off the beaten path. I got news for you guys. This is repetitive. And it's the same shit every day.

Yeah, you have to go off the path. You got to, no. You go off the path at times. And when you come out, like I've always stayed on the path with what I had to do. But mentally, I've gone off the path from time to time. And I've seen it. couple months ago, like, right before I shot the Netflix special, I was a little outside my game, we were eating too many edibles, you know, I was throwing some fucking, uh, fucking happy pill

from time to time. Yeah. And I caught myself. And I was like, you know what? That was then, I got to better myself. So these are little things I got to do. It's so weird how these last three weeks in New York that I spent were great weeks. I had a great time shooting, seeing friends, but also reminded me or something. It reminded me of who I was. It's huge. Have you watched the Green Book?

No. Academy Award. No, I didn't see it yet. There's a line in that movie when he goes, at least I know who the fuck I am. I'm from the Bronx. My mother was from the Bronx.

Their mother before them was from the Bronx. Their mother before them was at the Bronx. I still go to the same restaurant everywhere. The most important thing in your life is knowing who you are. It's huge. And at times we forget. We hang out with people. and you do different things with people

so you feel like you have to accommodate, in my sense, in my world, you know what happened? I had a daughter. And it put a little fear in my life, the fear that I never had before. Like I didn't have this fear before, but now I'm not just playing for me, I'm playing on a team.

Yeah. You know, so it scared me a little bit. Going back to New York, reminding me who the fuck I was. Like I came back Sunday swinging. This week ain't ever over. There's people going to be going down. I'm taking people down because I don't have the time no more.

I realized I was around people who were around me when I was a thief and who took shit for me for me being a thief and told them to go fuck themselves. Before any of this stupid shit with podcasting or movies or comedy, they loved me for me. To be around that again, I realized one thing that what I have around me today in L.A. is garbage. I have pure garbage around me.

In so many different ways, it opened my eyes to the garbage I have around me. Yeah. It's pathetic. It really is. We've become who we are. And it's this society. It's not the society I'm from. I still have friends that hold on to everything

sacred that they have. Everything, like one of my buddy, George said to me, I kept going over there, and George is a little laxed than I am. And George is like, I went over there a couple times for sushi. And then one day I asked him to tell me what was on a Japanese thing. And he said they said that they couldn't read Japanese because I'm Korean. Why am I eating sushi here?

That's what I'm talking about. Don't fucking eat sushi with Koreans. Little things in life that make your life a lot better. What are you talking? So I knew I wasn't fucking crazy. I did not think that's where you were going. I was making for a bigger life. If you're doing it with Koreans, you don't eat at a Korean own sushi, please.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I never got away from who I am. I'm from North Burger, New Jersey. I never played golf. And I never will play golf in my life. And if you play golf, you're a fucking father. Unless you've been doing it since the age of six. Yeah.

It's plain and simple. If your father was a golfer and he took you out there when you were three, but if you play golf to upstate your status in life, to make friends to be a fucking phony, I don't want you around me. I never saw that growing up. I saw that here. I saw guys from Philly playing golf.

How about I hit you in the head with that fucking club? You're from Philly. We don't play fucking golf, okay? Did they even have to... There's no golf! Okay, okay. There's no golf! I get it.

I get it. You're right, though. You're right, though. I fucking came back here, and I remembered who I was. Everybody got a wake-up call the last two days. I had to say something to 10 people, and I had to say it because I'm done. I'm done. I was around the best.

I was around people who will live and die for you. They will put their back against yours and say, we got two knives, and we're going up against 20 fucking Japs. It's me and you to the fucking end Either there's sushi or we're fucking sushi I'm done I know I came back here and I realized The people I got around me

They're supposed to be protecting me A garbage The people that say to me Oh we love it that garbage I just went back and saw the people I was in Vietnam with Timmy Hollowing came to a New York comedy club Tizu I went to dinner

I looked into her eyes And I saw ourselves again at 18 Yeah Going to disco and how much money you got 20. I got 30, that's by half gram a blow. And I gotta come back here to these fucking people who were just, they just sit there waiting for a bomb to go off.

It's hard. They're sitting here waiting for a bomb to go off. We're in the same place. I feel exactly that way. It's like, it's changed my outlook. I fell off the beaten path for a while. I got a little soft. You get caught up in it sometimes too.

I haven't got caught up in it. I got, I went off, I've kept my mouth shut. Yeah. And I haven't said none. because of my daughter. Yep. Because this isn't a game. It's her future.

But like I told my wife, yes, and guess what? Party's over. I started this with fucking nothing. And I'll fucking lose it all. But I'm not doing it no more. Because you want to be you. I'm not doing it no more.

I'm 56. I'm too fucking old to play fucking game. When I fucking tell you something, you got to listen. I don't give a fuck what you want to do or what you do with this guy or that guy. That means nothing to me. It's my fucking world.

And at the end, guess who's here? Ralphie Mae. doesn't have a grave stone. At the end of the day, that motherfucker died and none of these agents or all his friends or all these people who went to the bed, all those people that got on stage at the bed of it. Nobody put

a fucking, except for those two twins, Corey and Chad, who called me and said, you know, Ralphie's been dead for a year and doesn't have, that opened. How the fuck did that happen? His family contacted him. His family didn't do it? Nobody. Not the fucking the fucking wife with the videos.

What the fuck? People donated to it. I told you not. I didn't donate. None of that shit. None of that shit. So at the end, you die alone. And I've known that from day one. So take your fucking story. No, we all die alone.

We all fucking die alone. So at the end of the fucking day, take your fucking stories and take your bullshit and go, give you something else. You want to be my friend? This is what needs to be done. And this is how it needs to be done.

But do you feel like you have? I feel the same as you. And I know we're similar. And I know that's why we are close. and I, that has been, I have had moments the last six months where like, I love comedy, I love performing, I love the art, I love it. I fucking hate the business. I hate the politics, I hate that you have to flirt with people for them to fucking hire you for shit.

I hate, I mean, it's different being a girl. Oh, for you, it must be a fucking nightmare. Why do you think I treat you the way, and I treat you? I know. Because I want me to be different than anybody else in your life. You are. You are. I want you to know that you have.

truth here. Don't get me wrong. You've been though I'll fuck you in the ass. Shut up, Joe. No, but I know what you mean. You understand what I mean. Yeah. We're here you have truth. I won't blow smoke up your ass. Yeah, I know. I'm too old. No. I'm too fucking old. But I used to,

this is where I've changed and this is where it's been a struggle lately because set-wise, comedy-wise, I'm really happy. Like, things are great. Like, I perform. I feel great. People, the feedback is great. Everything's going well. I'm writing. I'm excited about shit. but it's all the, I just, I don't wanna jump through the hoops. I used to be the person that would go to the party and network with everyone, talk to everyone,

flirt with everyone, know everyone. I'm exhausted, I can't do both anymore because. First of all, there's no such word as networking. Well, you know what I mean, like meet everybody, talk to everybody. There's nobody to meet. But that's what I'm saying. If you meet somebody there, the greatest expression

I ever heard was if they were here, they wouldn't be anybody anyway. From a great manager, I forget what the guys name what the yeah but hasn't it happened to no it's never happened I've had people see me and and like my agent my agent saw me at the improv like it's happened to me

before I were you on stage yeah okay then that's not network oh yeah you're saying go to a party oh I agree with that yeah I agree with that before me well I stay after I'm not talking about I know what you're saying oh that never will happen no that never happens oh my god it's such a pleasure give me a card I love to call you next week while they're snorting your coke that's 100% while they snort your coke, they're going to call you. And then they wake up the next morning, they go, you know what?

Why would I hire them? They snort Coke. Also, no business. Can you do my Coke last night? Now you won't hire me because I do Coke, but there you are. Bump for bump with me last night doing fucking Rayless. Actually, that's true. I've left parties.

I literally was at, I think it was Chappelle's birthday party or something at the nice guy one night. And all the fucking Gersh was there. So I left because that's my agency. I'm like, I'm not getting tank. and fucked up in front of everybody that gets me work. You should have been there anyway. Well, it was Christmas or something. Whatever.

The point is, though, but now I have been. If there were anybody, they wouldn't be here anyway. That's the word. If they were anybody. That's not true. They wouldn't be here. That's not always true. But they're not going to give you work when they're partying.

That's for sure. And you know what? I've seen it for 22 years. I was here two years and he said that. You know who said that? Who? Chris Cornell's all far. father-in-law.

Oh. Okay, he used to be married to whatever her name was, her father was one of the biggest managers in this town. He used to go to Comedy Store and he was old. And one night he said that and my whole demeanor changed. Because I believe there's no networking. You wanna network your network on stage. You gonna go down and tell somebody you're a comic.

Yeah, nothing happens at a party. I agree with that. I agree with a podcast. I agree with a podcast. I agree 100%. Now you're dead. Yeah. And that's what he used to say.

If they were anybody, They wouldn't be here. That's true. Anyway. But also it's just a matter of energy. I mean, you know, because every time you call me lately, I actually feel guilty when I talk to you because you're always like, so what else is going on?

I'm like, really nothing because I'm not doing anything anymore. I never go out. But it's also part of- But you always perform. Well, no, I perform. I don't mean nothing like work-wise. I went to this place the other night and this fucking idiot did 22 minutes ahead of me and then he jerked off on stage.

Yeah. But at least you're telling me you went out. I always go up. I always go up. I guess I'm always working. But I just mean like I feel like I'm at a point where I feel like the, maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like the better you get at standup and performing the more energy. I use so much more energy than I used to.

I'm like, I don't have the energy to be as social as I used to be and be good at my job. I have to pick now. It didn't used to be that way. Maybe it's just getting old. I don't know. But now I just do nothing, man. I mean, I don't do nothing. I work.

But I'd rather be home cutting a podcast or listening to my audio or like even catching up on a show I've never seen that everyone's doing jokes about. Like, I'd rather that. Also, going home changed me this past year. Like, what we were talking about on the phone, like you were saying how good it was to be home. This was the first year.

I've been to Ohio three or four times this year. My mom has lupus, so she's all right, but I just, like, I'm conscious of the fact that, you know, she won't be around forever. My nephews are growing up. They hardly ever see me. And I used to go home to Ohio and be bored after a day.

And now I'm never bored there because it's just, it's peaceful. And nobody's asking me shit about my career. And nobody's asking me questions about celebrity. It's just, it's like they don't, they really don't care. They don't know anything about this world. And it's just, I feel like I can tune out there. And I feel like I went through a phase in Hollywood that a lot of people go through where I moved here.

Things started to pop a little. I got in with this crowd of like, it's exciting at first. You're like, oh, it's celebrity. there's drugs, there's all this. Oh my God, this guy's hitting on me. This is crazy. And then after a while, that's just feels so empty. So empty. And then this is the first year. Every time I've gone home, I don't want to come back. But I want to work. But I get like sad to come back to where it's like, it just feels fake. And I never wanted to be that person. It thinks L.A. is fake. I don't want to be jaded. It's so sometimes Joe will say things to me and it doesn't happen right

away. But when it happened, like, we're talking about the guy with the onion. But then the, like, the past couple weeks, I've been hit by, like, three or four people who pull me aside. And the thing is for me, it's like, I didn't really have a ton of friends growing up. So now when people are trying to be super friendly with me, it's like, what? You're like, I don't really believe it. And then they, like, I had someone give me a script. And I even told him, I was like, there's no way he's going to do it. Like, I, I, like, I don't. I was like, I tried to be nice. Yeah, I was like, there's no way.

Yeah, of course. And he's like, well, I'm really persistent. I'm like, well, okay. And I'm like, oh, so that's why you wanted. I'm like, you don't really. Of course. To be, sometimes it makes me like, should I even, like, as I like stand up. You know how bad that makes a person feel.

Yeah. And I told Lee this would happen. Yeah. Of course. I want to tell you before it happens, you're going to feel bad. You know what I mean? Over the years, how many people would hit me up at first starts that, we love you.

We love your comedy. And then they want something from someone else. And they want you to remember. Yeah. I get that on the road. People come up to me and they talk to me for a while and they go like, hey man, how does Joey book his podcast? Like people do that to me. It's, it's, it's, it's, they don't understand that we've seen it already. Yeah. Like, we're prepared. Like, I told you yesterday. I would never. Could you imagine me calling you going, yo, I met this dude at the hot dog stand at the mall and he wants to do your podcast. Like, you would fucking hang up on me. You're yelling. It is ridiculous. It is ridiculous. It is ridiculous what you get. It's getting, it's getting, it's not getting annoying or aggravating. It's getting sad at what people will think. It's sad. It's sad what people think they could accomplish by cutting corners. And you try to help them.

The best was the one, you know, I was gone. And I wanted to give social media a break. Yeah, I noticed. You could just look at social media so much before you go, you know what? I want to shoot myself in a fucking head. It's true. And Twitter doesn't bother me.

It's Facebook where people are just really stuck. I don't even go through that shit anymore. I don't even look at it. So I come back to 100 messages. Yeah. I'm going through them. Some of them you put a thumb. Some of them you write back.

And I got the one from fucking, you know, Milwaukee that they paid. It was a great show. And then pictures of me and them. Oh, yeah. And then fucking a whole article on why we didn't party afterward or hang out. That that's what they came to the show for. They were upset. That they paid.

2750, I go, well, I always try to put a dynamite comic in front of me. Yeah. I try to keep my ticket prices low. I go, you were looking for a friend for 2750. You weren't looking to see a show. I go, get a dog or join a fucking lonely hearts club because I provide a show. It's also weird. I'm not providing a fucking, you're not going back to the hotel room with me.

I just did two shows. I really am not in the mood to talk. I just did two shows. It's exhausting, but people don't understand and I get it. Yeah, you want to say hello and give them a hug and take a picture, but don't ask me about World War III and what I think about the Joe Rogan controversy would see of 2005. That's the last thing I want to hear on my mind.

I know. I can't even think. I've just been scraping for material. Also, though. For two hours, scraping the bottom of my mind, temples. you're going deep for your material and now you want to ask me a question about who you doesn't win,

Sarajona or are you couldn't? I have no fucking idea. I'm not even thinking about that. And they don't realize that they're one person and then there's 300 more coming down the line. I was learned to keep your mouth shut and put your hand out and say hello. That's it.

Before you're going to say something wrong, don't say nothing. I know. Because what you're going to say is wrong anyway. Just put your hand out and say it's a pleasure to meet you. It's a pleasure to meet you. What's your name?

Yeah, I always ask people what their name is. I want to know what their name is. And then they tell you and then you take a picture with them and that's it. I don't have time for a short story. There's 60 people on the line. Yeah, yeah, it's hard. You don't want to do this to them and you don't want to do this to yourself. Well, the thing is they would never do that.

Could you imagine someone messaging like Eddie Van Halen or like and going, hey, after the show, why don't we party? Like they would never do it to like a musician or like an actor in a Broadway show. I don't know why because because we come out and meet people, which is a generous thing to do really like no performer I don't sell merch you don't sell merch you don't sell merch you don't have to come out yeah for that particular reason I don't sell you to say hello and not feel like you have to give me $25 for a fucking t-shirt same I don't want this I don't want and I don't sell it because I don't want to be obligated right to come out shake your hand yeah I want to you to tell me you like the podcast is where you came you like a subject matter if I want to say you something I'm knock on your door yeah right and sell you

encyclopedias, the stakes door to door, whatever. There's just so many aspects of it that people really don't understand. I'm not there to sell you a T-shirt. I'm the same way. I'm happy I got you for the 27-50. That's how I feel. I'm happy that you got a babysitter.

You're not a nickel and dimer. You're not someone that seems ever to me that you're in it for, I mean, making money is great, but you're not money-driven. You know why? Because it's not going to get you what you want. That's how I am. Which is happiness. All we're searching for us to wake up on a small

on your face and not be like the rest of the fucking America that's depressed or upset about the political climate. It's true. The Koreans are going to strike us. You can't. Well, also, how lucky we are. I ate shit for 40 years of my life. I ate shit.

My mother died when I was 16. Yeah. And if I don't know how many years after that, I did it on purpose because of my love for comedy, I kept a low nut. I didn't drive a Cadillac. I didn't try to prove to people. I was something. I wasn't.

And then it was such a low nut that I kind of enjoyed it. That's how I am. That's why I have a Hyundai. You know, I come from a society where there's no flash. Yep. There's no flash for various reasons. For the most variances, I don't want to make somebody feel bad. I'm not that person.

But I'm almost uncomfortable around. Do I look like a B. I love Jews too much to get a BMW. Do you understand me? No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, I mean, you don't. I couldn't see you in a BMW.

I wouldn't get a BMD. I don't care how much money they give me. I belong in a Subaru or a four truck. Yeah. That's who I am. That's what I'll always be. Or blue collar dude. Whether a million dollars and that ain't got to make you happen.

Well, that's how I am too. It's so funny when you're 21. You can't wait to have a test of Rosa and have bitches on your arm and do drugs every night. And let me tell you some, it ain't no fucking bargain. There's a price to pay. because once the cocaine, the money are gone, all those things go with it. Happiness always sticks.

All you're thriving for in this life is to laugh, laugh at yourself. You know, when I fart on a plane, I fucking love it. You farted in here and you laughed. Oh, yeah, I fought in here and I laughed. Me and we were traumatized. When you're fucking, you know what?

I've been so broke that I, you know, and I still find the way to laugh. When I used to drop, when I used to have to drive. I dropped my daughter off when she was six, you know, Jacqueline, my first daughter, I would cry when I drop her off. So guess what I did?

I forced myself to do comedy after I dropped her off as an exercise because I wanna be able to do comedy if my fucking mother died that morning. Well, you've done it. We've done it. We've done it. We've done it.

I wanna be able to do comedy if I just buried my mother that night. Yep. I still gotta be able to do comedy. But you have to. You have to. And there's pain and there's this and there's that. That's part of the stand-up.

That was really fucking hard. That's part of the stand-up. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You have to train yourself under all these conditions. You know what? There's times if you really dive into stand-up,

you're going to have to sleep on some of these cats for six months at one point in your life. Easily. Easily. Yeah. If you really love stand-up. Everyone is homeless. Lee, you're going to be homeless. Get ready.

And you have to be prepared to go. I remember when Ralphie Mae was homeless. and Joy Medina took them in. Dude, stand-up people will, I used to drive to San Diego. I would spend, I didn't even, actually, I didn't even have a car at the time. I would take a train to San Diego. It was like $30 each way or something. Stay in a hotel and only get paid $20 for the set.

Like, I was losing money to do spots just because you want the spots. That's it. But I feel like it's like building any business. You invest in the business. You have to. You're a corporation. Yeah. You're just a CEO of a corporation and you know that your stock is low.

The thing is that... My stock is low right now. Yeah. The thing is that I've been working on, and you help me with this. Because one day I was talking to you and I was bummed because there were some things I wasn't getting and I was frustrated. And you said focus on the things you do have, not the things you don't have. And I've really trained my mind. Like, it's amazing that you can train your mind to focus on the positive.

You can do it. It's just an exercise. I've been writing down, this is so fucking cheesy. People are going to be like, what happened to you? But I've been writing down like 10 things every day. day that I'm thankful for. And sometimes when I'm sad, I'll start doing that. And it'll really fix it because the fact is we are so fucking lucky. You're alive. You don't have cancer. You're not going on a chemotherapy treatment. Look at what we're doing right now. You have five hours in your pocket to go

to subway. I can afford. I can afford this. And get a veggie and cheese sandwich. Yeah. You're breathing. I mean, every morning I wake up when I was 21, I didn't have that perspective. Yeah. When I was 21, I'm broke. I'm a loser and I'm miserable. But it was all. I was all. I'm revolved around money money was gonna make it so much better yeah I got to 40 I was like Jesus Christ I'm fucking ecstatic I'm at the comedy story then I may have $8 and 22 cents in my that's it but I'm ecstatic there's a line in Narcos Mexico that Narcos Mexico it's about Kiki Camerana and at the end you know if you haven't seen Narcos Mexico you're not gonna watch it I don't give a fuck if I

spoil your thing Well, Game of Thrones. I don't give a fun. Go fuck your brother. Fuck you and Game of Thrones. Joey, calm down. So, Game of Thrones, spoiler. Don't fuck your mother.

Spit in your fucking mouth, Game of Thrones. Will you stop? Go back to Narcos. There's a scene when he's interviewing, when he thinks he looks out into the ocean and he remembers his interview with Kiki Kamerana. And he lights a cigarette and he goes, I do these because,

now here's Kee Kamerana sitting there with his eye out of his fucking head. with drill bits getting put through his leg. And this guy walks in and he takes the guys out and he's telling him why he's doing this. Yeah. He goes, tell him what you want and you go home. And the guy's telling him, I have kids, please send me home.

And this guy just starts talking. Diego Luna, who's a phenomenal act. And he goes, he goes, he goes to a lot of a singer, he goes, I use these because they reduce stress. And he goes, you know what's crazy? That when I was broke, I slept like a baby. and now that I have money I can't sleep in my head blew up

my head blew up my head blew up that's so real I was broken I had nothing I slept like a baby it's so real and now I sleep two three hours a night and you think about that sentence and it's what I'm telling you people we focus on the wrong thing

money is nothing and money is garbage money will come and go it's a worse addiction than cocaine once you take money out of the picture and you go wow I'm doing this because I love it that's it genuinely love this I could get up every morning and do this for free whether it's taking it in the ass or fucking building fireplaces or lighten Jews on

fire this is what you like and you do it for free don't do this but I'm just making a point here I won't get it be MW but I'll let them on fire this is what you do for I mean I would never let it you on fire not you gotta be a He might lay me on fire one. Well, he might. He probably has. No. My point is that until you really fall in love with that thing, it's true.

And look at the sky and go, I'm living in the hovel. That's it. I got rats. I'm sharing a sandwich with a rat. I've done that. But boy, literally. Do I love what I do? And all of a sudden, the month after that, God will unload a suitcase on you of dollar bills.

It's true. You think you're a fucking stripper. When you think you don't need it, it shows up. It shows. It shows up. Dude, when I moved to L.A., when I was a kid, I love water. Like, I'm a huge pool. I swam.

I was on swim team growing up. My grandma had a pool. My dad lived at a lake. I was in water, like, every day in my life. And I always wanted to live by the ocean. That was like my dream. Nothing else, but live by the ocean and be on TV. That's all I wanted when I was a kid.

I didn't care how it happened. And when I moved to L.A., I lived for a little while in, like, near, like, Slosson area. by the airport. And then I found this studio apartment. It was such a shit hole in Venice Beach. I mean, it was a total crack then, but it was two blocks off of Venice, like right where the V is in Venice,

where like all the homeless dudes hang out and shit. I rented this place. At the time I was married. So my husband was moving out here to live with me in this little studio, the two of us. There were homeless guys literally peeing on my window or on the ground floor. But every day, I will,

walk across the street to the beach. It was right across the street. And I was just like, this is the fucking dream. Like, I was so, I mean, I had the biggest shit eating grin on my face the whole time I lived there because it was the beach. I had to call the police three or four times or dudes like jerking off outside the window. Like shit that like never, there was a guy who used to swim in my pool naked when I would come out. But none of it mattered because I could walk to ocean. And I feel like every step of the business for me has been like that. Like everything like TV. Like if I died tomorrow, I could say I did everything when I was a kid I wanted to do. I got to do a comedy set on Showtime. I had a TV show and I lived at the beach. I could die

tomorrow and I'm like, I did it all. And so the rest I feel like is icing. So I think that that's why for me, like the gratitude thing is getting easier to be grateful for what I have because if I just think back about what I wanted versus what I got and then on top of that, I got all those things without losing my character, my soul. I didn't have to fuck. I never fucked anybody for anything. I got to do it the right way. It just feels so much better.

And I'm not rich and I'm not famous. Like, I don't want to really be that famous. I want to be able to say whatever I want. I don't want to be so famous that if I tweet something, I'm in trouble. I don't want to be famous. Too late. I don't want to be considered a celebrity. I know.

Nothing burns me more than when somebody calls me a fucking celebrity. I'm a dirty. club comedy club comedy you're a regular dude that's it that's it I'm a dirty club comic that's R rated

that you don't want I love that about you if you don't want to be there I'd rather you'd not come don't come to impress your boyfriend or you got I don't want none of those type of audiences me neither

you know it's so funny I was in New York and people who hit me up hey man how come you don't come to the comedy seller to do this you know why because I just want to be left to fuck alone yeah

I went to Danger Fields, 22 people a night, 10 people last Monday. Fucking tremendous, small stage. I knew Rodney was on that stage. I knew Bill Hicks was on that stage. It's a cool feeling. I knew Dice was on that stage. I knew fucking Kenneson was on that stage. So it's just like being at the comedy store.

But since it's not the hot club, people were like freaking. Like, you should do the comedy cell. Go tell your mother to go do the comedy seller. I'll be at motherfucking Dangerfield with the East Side. where I belong to be. You understand? Those are the best, though. Those are the best.

That's why I love playing, like, bar gigs and fucking, that's what I like. Rowdy bar crowd. That's my favorite, man. The most important thing of this whole fucking game is knowing who the fuck you are. And what your limitations are and what you can't do and be honest about them. I can't do that. Okay. I will do that.

Okay. I won't do that. Okay. Once you start compromising that, you get a pain in your fucking soul. And that's what's been going on with me lately. The last couple of years, I'd just been, I wouldn't have done half the things I did now, looking back at them.

There's a couple things, I would have not done at all. But it happened to get you to this place where you know that, so it's okay. But I know this now. Yeah, I think it all happens. I'm done. Like I'm done. I'm in trouble.

I can tell. And when I come back from next week, you're really in trouble. But I really missed you like for real. Oh, I missed you also. You being gone from LA though? That call I made to you this morning, I couldn't make that call to a lot of people. I was so glad you called. I made that call to you because I was somewhere, you were somewhere. And I sent you the most depressing text of all time. Like I sent Joey a text

that literally I was like on a plane. I was so depressed. I know you don't let me tell. I just, I had some shit go down that was like I felt kind of invaded like I had like I got trolled a little bit by it and it was personal and I was just depressed. Man. I was in Ohio and I did a college and it was great. The gig went great. But it's weird when you're in your, I was in my, home state but not close enough to see my family and I was by myself on the road and I just kind of was going through it and I was also feeling a lot of just what it's weird that you were feeling so much of what I was feeling just about feeling a little like I'm not fitting in as much as I used to out here. I don't feel like I have as many friends as I used to out here because

I'm just realizing who's really friends and who isn't and I was just feeling lonely and I sent Joey this fucking text on the plane that was just like I'm sorry I haven't talked too much the last couple weeks I've been kind of depressed and when I talk to Joey like you're like you're so family to me like I never want to like let you down like I want to make you proud all the time so I didn't want to call you because I knew you were doing the movie and like I'm so happy for you and I didn't want to like bring you down but then when you called me today and you were kind of like oh I've been going through shit it made me feel like so good that you call me about it because I just I don't know it made me feel happy that you could call me about that it's not always me going on my neighborhood just walking in

I was like, what am I doing my fucking life? Why are these people around me? I would not be seen caught dead with these people 20 years ago. And the people that have fuck with me would be missing in the year. They'd be walking around like, fuck, Joey punched me in the fucking mouth so hard. And I'm tolerating this shit. For 10 years, I've tolerated this, especially since my daughter was born. I've tolerated this behavior from people

that at the end of the day I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. Yeah. I grew up with people that had my back when there was nothing there. When I was just a fucking pure street thief,

I gave them a piece of my action. I always took everybody, everybody always got a little taste. Yeah. Why am I putting up with these people around me that don't have my best interest in their heart and in their minds. They're just, it's hard.

It's a very hard thing, you know, and they're everywhere. There's an element of that in every job that people, there's always probably people in every business that it's like, it's hard when you have to feel like you have to be a little fake to get to a point you want in your career. And it's, I feel like it just the order you get, it's like you don't want a fucking fake shit. I think there is, there's like one or two people in an office usually,

but the problem, and it's not even LA, there's some good people in LA, but I think you're right, it's like, if you move here, thinking you're going to be the next, even the best director, like there's some people, like, if you think you're that special,

nine times out of ten, you're going to be kind of a stinky person. Well, I even mean just like, for instance, like there are guys booking shit, TV shows, clubs, whatever, that have been really shitty to me in the past, you know, because I didn't want to fuck them.

And then I had to be around these people and act cool. How bad? bad do you feel for them now when they see you and they can't make eye contact with you? I don't feel bad for them. How about the guys that won't talk to you because you didn't fuck them and they book rooms and they won't put you in their rooms? Yeah.

It sucks. It's such. It sucks. And anytime I go to, I always tell people that like when I go to Pittsburgh or whenever I go these times, I go, you have no idea how happy I am to be here. The time you walk at the airport, there's no Jesse Smolett's. There's no Harvey Weinstein. There's none of his victims laying around.

It's hard. They molested them. There's no Never, Never Land. There's no fuck. You know, it's very, people don't understand. When I go to Milwaukee or Michigan or San Antonio or fucking Texas, do you think this would exist in Texas? Harvey Weinstein would have lasted an hour.

He got shot. Some dude would have shot that guy. Somebody's father would have shot them. For sure. This only exists here. You pull that stunt in Chicago, Jesse Smolett, will never be. There's some black people in Chicago that are black to the bone, that they really know what the struggle is for this fucking half-breed,

fucking to Tuzun, whatever the fuck he is. Yeah. To do what he did, he doesn't deserve the love from African-American community. But this would only happen here. You don't see a black guy tell him that two Nigerians jumped him in New York City. No. Because you're really black. You're black. You're black.

You wouldn't even use that stunt. Write the letter to himself. You think of all the things he did. It's crazy. Do I hate Jesse Smolett? No, I don't. That's crazy, though. I do not hate Jesse Smollett.

I feel bad for Jesse Smollett because he's another victim of this douchebag. It can fucking change you. But you have to pick, man. you can, if that's, if he wasn't that guy though on some level, I mean, I've regretted things. Like the whole, the whole thing in this business is every day, almost, there's a choice you can make to to stick to what you believe or to sell out every day. And like, there's been times that I've done things that I believed in the moment. And then later I was like, man, I wish I hadn't done that, said that talked about that. Maybe I feel different now. Maybe I should let some time go.

But ever since I started, the one thing I believed in for me was my talent. And so like, I always turned down all the shortcuts that I knew would fuck with my head. Like I couldn't. And you know, like even when I dated comics, like, I dated Bobby. And like he was like, you can work with me. And I was like, I don't want to because I don't want people to think that's why this is happening. How good of a guy is Bobby? I mean, he's great.

He's great. He's a little weirdo. but he's great. He still got a good dog. I still love him. And you know, he is funny as fuck, man. He is so goddamn funny.

And he does have a good heart. And you know what I'll say about Bobby? Bobby is one person that when we were first hanging out, I remember people talking so much shit. Like, what is she doing with Bob? Like, really? She's only with Bobby because X, Y, Z.

He's rich. He's favorite, whatever. The truth is, Bobby made me feel so special. Bobby gave a million compliments, and he makes you feel like, you would always be like, you're going to be such a big star.

you're so brilliant, you got it. And like, that's really all it takes for women. If you give us a lot of compliments and you make us feel good about ourselves, we're staying because that's what everybody wants to feel loved. And Bobby's amazing at that. That's always the kind of guys that I'm attracted to are guys that, like, have a childlike nature

and make me feel really special. I mean, that's what everybody wants, right? At the end of the day, women, at least. I don't know about that. When did you see the come out? Oh, I'm editing it right now. I'm really happy with it. I'm excited about it.

You're not going to Sacramento with Lee. It turned out great. Lee helped me record it. That room was so fun. Sacramento punchline. That room is amazing. And the San Francisco punchline? I haven't done that one.

Oh, that's God's gift. That's 180. You know what's funny about the sack punchline is they don't tell you the stage there, there's like a scrim, like there's like a, what does it look like a sheet? It looks like a brick wall. Like some artwork or something on the back.

But they didn't, they don't tell you. It's not a, hard wall. You know, most of the time you can lean on it. You put your leg on that wall. I fucking leaned on it and I felt like I was going to fall through the window. Because it's like four feet away or something from the window. Yeah, and it's a glass window on the second floor. I'm going to die. I was a feature act once. With Fluffy. I opened up for Fluffy 10 years ago when I went through that window. You did not. No, I almost did. Yeah, I did too. I'm recording and I literally, I leaned on. I'm like, someone should tell the comic this is not a wall. It looks like a wall. It's a four-foot gap.

Yeah, and you're on the second floor. You're dead if you fall out. put your arm like fucking Sinatra like ring a ding ding and you just keep going straight. You'll land on top of fucking BMW. It was scary. If I was you, I probably would have fallen out the window. But luckily I bounced back. God. There's another place too that I put my leg up one night to rest on the wall.

Yeah. And I went back like a fucking mummy. I had a breakfall and everything. You did. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever eaten shit like falling down getting on? I saw a video of someone the other night.

Oh, Chelsea Skimmore, who you had on here. She posts some video her going off on stage at the car. comedy store and just completely tripped and like fell flat on her face when i fall i fell on the original you did yeah because it's three steps so yeah want to try to fucking make them really fast yeah and you get that fucking 12 inch that 13 inch foot i got got caught on one of those things and i went down on my knees people laugh oh you're gonna be anxiety of and falling you up oh my god falling is the best though falling is a fuck it's funny because now you have something to work with i mean it's brilliant it's comedy so it doesn't matter it's brilliant because you're only fall after you

you wrote for one week straight and you got 10 minutes that you have memorized and now you fall but you have to say something about the fall and talk about how your feet are too big how you're clumsy and your mother always fell and you know shit like that

you're drunk you quit drinking it's great I haven't fallen I'm trying to think if I've fallen I've tripped downstairs coming off in fact oh I ate shit in the belly room before coming from you know they have that little like upper part where you can watch from then you have to come down those two three

stairs. Well, for the longest time, they weren't taped or anything. You couldn't see the stairs, really, and it was pitch black. I fell down those stairs like three times coming down, like all the time. I would fall. Not drunk or anything, just fall. Now, you know, they changed it. What are you looking for for the future out of you? What are you thinking of doing? Honestly, there's a show right now that I'm not even got, I was, I started out pitching this show that I really want to do. And then I just decided to get funding for it and do it. I don't know if I should say what it is though, but it's such a fun. And, you know, I came up with an idea that is just something that I'm like, if I could do anything, if I had like 100 grand and I could do anything I wanted, what would I do? And then I try to develop a funny concept out of it. And it's great. And I have people interested in sponsoring it. And so I want to make that. But my goal is to keep making shit on my own. Like put my shit. If no one wants to buy a special, put it on YouTube. They just cancel something. And I saw that these people put it up. They e-canceled their show.

Yeah, um, Boosy, Bucy Phillips or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Busy Phillips. She was kind of like doing the Chelsea Handler type show or something like that. And she goes, unless we get picked up somewhere else and wrote back, why don't you just. Do it yourself. Do it yourself. That's my thing now.

I'm like, what? Even with a special, you know, like, fuck it. I can shoot a special anywhere and put it. I would clip it up and put it on YouTube. Those clips go viral. People come to your shows. That's it. A special go anywhere they'll find it.

If you advertise it correctly and stand by. To be honest, it might do more on YouTube than some of the platforms. That's what I'm saying. Well, I get a lot of people at my shows that, I mean, I don't love all my clips on this site. But, you know, the Laugh Factory puts up quips every once in a while if you approve them. So I always approve the ones that are kind of like something I wrote that's for that day and I'm probably not going to use it again. Then I give it to them.

And I get people that come out and they're like, oh, we love you on the Laugh Factory. You don't know what form they're going to watch. You really don't. That's why you need to have it around. I remember I had a video on Will Farrell's thing years ago. Funnier, die. And I had hits, and nobody would, I think they picked up a Joey Karate or something like that. Yeah.

And it's weird what different forms people watch it on. You never, listen, we live in a cyber world now. Is that what you call? A computer world? Yeah, cyber world. That's, it's unlimited. Yeah, it's a digital age. It's unlimited.

I run into people all the time. That bitch because they don't have this special. I'm not special. I'm like, just get a fucking camera, go to a comedy club and do 15 minutes. You know the truth, Joey,

though, too, is like, I know everybody's like, I know you're always like a man with a plan, XYZ, I know it's important. But what's really helped me is to just keep working every day.

That's it. And be happy. And I don't give myself, because I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to have, you know, this list of things that I have to do in this amount of time

and it was giving me anxiety. And you know what I think about now? Like, When I think about what I want to do, I think I want to keep moving ahead. Everything is going well. Everything I want to make I'm working on. But I want to go fucking camping. Like, I want to go fishing.

Like, I want to go hang out in national. Like, I'm starting to think about stuff that I miss doing that has nothing to do it. What I think Ari is doing what he's doing. I mean, I needed. I spoke to Ari when I got here and we were howling in the car. Really? Howling. He's a new man because.

Because he takes these breaks and he gets offline and he disappeared. He got out of here. Yep. He saw what the stress was of having a show. Everybody wants a show until they get one. And then you don't know what it is to have, argue with people, fight with people over lines. They don't want this.

They don't want that. They don't want this. I bumped into somebody in New York who sold the show and he goes, you know what? I'm grateful. He shot a pilot and everything. Oh, wow. I'm grateful.

Yeah. He was just those eight months were mind-boggling. You don't have to either. You have to have a tough skin for that. And either you could do it or you can't. I am very surprised. Like I said, before I agreed to the soprano movie, I was very close to pulling out.

Of the movie? No way. Because of fears, because I just wasn't in the mood to work on a set. Yeah, it's a different whole different thing. It's a different animal for me. I've done it for a lot. long time and it's I just don't like that time anymore well because you're so used to also being your own boss now you're on your own schedule you make your own it's weird to go back to that

weird and like I tell people all the time you're not TV show if it don't shoot at CBS Radford you're not going to see me there but the thing is now that if you have an audience it's like my idea that I want to do it's like once you build an audience and you can get people to sponsor your shit and if you're not worried I'm not worried about making millions I'm worried about pay my bills. I can pay my bills and be happy. So why do I need to sell this shit to NBC or fucking Netflix? Just make it. Get sponsors. Put it up. You can make money. Like I'm so, I feel very fortunate and it took a long time. But now I have enough people following me to get people to sponsor stuff. I want to do so. There's no reason that I need to stress about, I haven't sold a script. I don't

have a sitcom. I don't know. Who cares? I'm happy. I'm so happy. Like, I feel the happiest. And that's why too like with with like not dating and stuff it's just i think i've realized for me that like the less drama i keep in my life the more fresh air the more i get outside more i'm around people i love i'm just happy and that's all that matters could die tomorrow brodie died changed me too because you know i remember doing his podcast before he passed and him talking about the like trolling was getting to him like people bullying him online not bullying but like making fun of him or whatever And it would bother him. And I remember just thinking to myself, like, everyone loves Brody so much, but he sometimes didn't feel it.

And I just don't, it's not worth it. It's not worth it to put yourself in a position. I'm so sensitive. I don't want to put myself in a position where I have eight billion people at him. Are you doing roast battles? Yeah. No. I don't like it either.

Yeah, me neither. I like to be me. People on the internet now, I saw a remark about three days ago that was. the most backhanded, stupid remark I ever saw in my life. But I look at them now and I'm not going to be Johnny Christian to say I pray for them. I don't give a fuck up if they hit a tree with motor scooter. You're saying. Hopefully they'll get out one of those little motor scooters, you see.

A razor scooter on sunset. Fuck those people. And they'll get hit by a truck. You don't wish that. They make me mad. But you look at them and go, I wonder where they're coming from. I wonder what they were going. through to have to write that.

Yeah. You know, I wonder what, uh, that's it. You know, it's just you have to wonder what they're going through to be in that position, to put themselves in that position. What could have happened to them? I mean, yeah. That's where you got. You got any dates coming up, you dirty bitch?

Yes, I do. For a second, I thought you meant guys. I was like, wait. No, I know what you're talking about. I know what I'm just kidding. Uh, wait, what's today? Oh, actually, uh, Thursday night. That's right.

I'm at Bray Imprope. I'm headlining, Bray. I'm improv. Lee's coming. Jack Jr.'s doing it. And then I have a whole, actually I have a whole bunch of dates coming up. Just go to my website. Yeah, kikigli.com or Kate QFonny. I'm sorry that you were going through what you were going through. I'm happy we got a chance to talk about what was going on this morning. I was on the hookup of you at one point today, but then I had a meeting at 1245. It's okay. I know you're busy. So, no, I took care of that. I really wanted to work out today. I haven't been to J-Jitsu in a fucking month. And they dropped this on me this morning. So, I ran around all morning. I got a little bit of writing done. You need to get to Jiu-Jitsu because that's like you're so, you love it so much. That's such a big part of keeping him.

No, I went to kickbox Sunday and I went lifting yesterday. You don't need, though. It don't stop. I know you want kickboxing. Yeah, it doesn't stop. Yeah, went over there Sunday. Oh, no, here at Brett's. Oh, you did?

I got off to playing Saturday and went Sundays open mat. You go on there, ride the bicycle, do jumping jacks. Oh, damn. Do kettlebell? You do whatever you want there on Sundays. Hell yeah. From 12 to 3. Go go.

I went today? Good for you. Look at you. And why do you look so fucking sleepy? They got open mad on Sunday. I want to punch bags. I have pink boxing gloves. I use them at the gym.

That's great. I just ruin the whole thing. It's like way to ruin everything. You're like to delete it. What a whole do? Don't forget, you little dirty bastards. June 7th, I'm at the Fillmore and Harris in New Orleans, bitches. And June 8, I'm at the tabernacle theater.

Tickets are going fast on that one. So you better not fuck around. and then 628 and 629 I'm coming back with me and Kate just destroyed on 420 a year and a half ago when the guy had the fucking stroke the Columbus fucking funny bone one of my favorites

I go see my girl crew Hope and do a little mooie tie while I'm there and that's it and that's that I want to thank Kate Quigley for coming on the show this week and making me laugh and making me smile for you brightening my day and hopefully brightening your motherfucker's day also

but before we're we go, we need to talk. Okay, you're two weeks away from Memorial Day weekend. Everybody's hot to trot. You want to bust out the white shorts. You got new shoes. You got a new car. But you haven't done nothing about that ugly pogo stick you got between your legs. Your ball still smell like that

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I want to thank Kate Pugley, the Christkiller. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for having our back and supporting our comedy and what we're trying to do here are cause. You know, I'm with you on this fucking thing. Without you, you motherfuckers, I got nothing, and that's how it works out. So I want to thank you guys for being part of the church family,

all you motherfuckers. We'll be back Monday morning, tip-top Magoo, ready to stab a motherfucker. I suggest you're ready to go because next week we're giving our fucking bayonets. You understand me? Have a great weekend. Have a great week.

And don't forget to stay black and don't take shit from nobody. One more time for Kay Quigley and the Christkiller. I got to go. Kick this motherfucker, Mulee.