The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #683 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

Tom Segura, a stand up comedian with multiple specials available on Netflix and a podcast called "Your Mom's House," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

Last week I was home, Tom Segorah, and I'm driving down Kennedy Boulevard, and we stop at a light. Tom Segoor, I want to do this, but I want to do this for your studio only. I only want Tom Segoor productions involved in this. When you have nothing to do, I want you to get a camera,

get the fucking dude with the glasses. Yeah. Josh Potter. Let's get him, let's get him nice and stone. We rent a car in New York. We drive down Kennedy Boulevard, and I tell you, every corner where I rob somebody. It is the fucking funniest thing.

I used to rob a gas station across the school from high school. What? There was a gas station across the street from the high school. It was a Cuban guy named George. So the gas station was an amico. So we just called him Georgie Amico. That was his name. And it started out all right, but I could see that he was a dick.

So one night we wanted to rob a gas station. Me and my buddy, Darren Rago's got rest of his soul. So the first time we robbed it, we didn't really rob it. I went down and tried to rob a water pistol from Pathmark, and I got caught robbing the water pistol. Because you put tape around it. And it looks like a gun, you pop out a fucking thing. And I got caught, and I talked my way out of it.

So we went, and we got, like, another plastic gun from my friend's fucking little brother. And we taped it up. And me and Rego were going to rob the joint. And we went in, and the fucking dude was washing his hands. And he had the bundle of money on top of the counter. You can't write this shit. You can't write this shit. And I remember looking at Daron, and I just grabbed it.

And we just ran like pussies down the corner. We ran for, like, three fucking blocks, four blocks. Full speed ahead. We get to the corner. There's nothing. There's who got it. It was a Jewish bank row. It was like a 20 with a bunch of singles in the middle.

He got us. So now we wait like six months. There's a new attendant. And this guy, we went in there full speed ahead with fucking baseball bats. We broke the glass. We grabbed them. Give me your fucking money. We took them.

We had mask on with ski holes in them, the whole fucking thing. We took them that time. We had the small eight. We got them good. Because in Jersey, they got to pump your gas. Yeah. So they keep the fucking money. So we always knew this shit.

So we shook them down. And then we did that to them. And another time, we had a bunch of tires out there. And we just went one night with a car. And you just started putting tires in the car. You took all the tires? There was no cameras in the state. That's when he used to wrap them with aluminum for.

How often were you robbing places? I would alternate them. I had a couple different spots, and I would just hit them when they were weak. Yeah. So. Don't you miss that a little bit? Oh, with all my heart. I see shit.

I see so many openings. now, but there's cameras everywhere. Because it's in your blood. You know what I'm saying? It's in your fucking jeans. Plus the thrill, right? It's got to be such a thrill. So we kept robbing this guy.

Tires, you know, the whole thing. Soda machine. He had a soda machine. We broke it one night. We just, this guy, he called the cops. The cops were like, we know these kids. We can't arrest these kids. Yeah.

How old are you? We had to be 16, 17. And no one at the tire shop said 16-year-old's a tire, truck-fell tires is weird? No, we would move shit like fuck. We had a guy that we were dumping up. But the guy got so aggravated, he called the cop so much. He crossed the street, and he started talking to the superintendent of the schools. And the superintendent of schools, we grew up in his house, too.

And he was like, a chunkier guy, he looked like Paulie from Goodfellas. And that scene, when the guy telling him complaining, these kids, you got to calm him down. And he would say, and I don't want to say his name, got arrested so. Mr. A would have a cigar, and he'd go, I talk to them all the time, but they don't. don't listen. It was just like that, just like that. Readings from motherfucking podcast, Phil. It's Monday, May 13th.

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You know what? Tommy Buns in the fucking house. Jose, what are you? I'm great, man. Now, when you see your dad, do you speak Spanish to him at all? No, my dad doesn't speak. My mom. Your mom.

What does she say to you in Spanish? Anything? Ay, Tomcito, you know, for favor, I have a little bit, you know. All that shit. Everything, man. She speaks to me, you know, pretty much 50-50. A lot of Spanish, though.

Did you take Spanish in high school? I did. I was, but I was through it all. Like, I passed level 4 AP sophomore year. So then they threw me in French. I got a D. What a fucking nightmare. I thought I was going to be as easy as Spanish.

And I was like, I'm shit. You never switch. You got to keep in the neighborhood. Yeah. I should have Italian. Yeah. I took Italian. And it was funny.

I could understand it. Yeah. It was funny. I was watching the Godfather last night. And the more south you go on the boot. the more Spanish he gets. Really? Yeah, like when you listen to Salazzo talk,

he's pretty much speaking Spanish, too bad. He was fucking, like, I forget with the line, and I go, wow, it's so close. But I grew up with Sicilians, and when they would talk, I could pick up a fucking... You can understand a lot of it. A lot of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I heard, like, then it gets a little... Then it gets a little complicated. A little frogier, right? Yeah. It's what the fucking... Yeah, the French speak. Like, it's like some guy say, bonjourno. Like, like, northern Italy, and maybe,

don't quote me on this, I don't know. But other people say, Ke fa, that's hello. So I think that's more of Sicilian dialect, you know. Yeah. But then what the fuck do I know? You ever heard, you ever spoke with like a real, you know, Argentine?

And you're like, are you speaking Italian? And it takes you a second to realize they're speaking Spanish? Well, they sing it, you know? They sing. That's, like, speaking of Spanish. It's like speaking to Spanish. Spaniards. Yeah. People that are really from Spain, their Spanish will complicate. But right now, at this point, the games will go, I could maintain a simple conversation. The shit I was talking when I was 13 has disappeared from my mind. Yeah. Like when I was 13, I was dropping scientific facts in Spanish. Yeah. I could talk to my mother and a more. Once they died, that whole world died. You know, I was from Union City where you spoke Spanish. Like the Cuban spoke. Spanish when they were amongst themselves so you heard it you heard the music you know I

remember it and I'm happy that I remember it but it's not like and it was proven when I went on the Rogan podcast where you know I didn't know a lot of this shit he was saying common words that is simple that I picked up after I listened to the podcast so it's like a muscle that it goes away it goes away you know I I used to be really sharp at one point when I when I was in college I did a semester in Madrid and when I came back from them writing term papers in Spanish given presentations and I came back and I'm not shooting you my Spanish was better than like my moms than other natives because I was just so immersed in it you know I was Madrid six months six months yeah how was it I was dope dude I love Madrid how was the food

amazing like everybody says amazing yeah seafood inspired everything A lot, yeah, everything. I mean, but like Spanish cuisine is, I mean, I think it's phenomenal. So, yeah, it was, yeah, a lot of seafood. I mean, I always saw the paella, all the famous, but like, it's so good, yeah, it's so good. When I was in Jersey this last time, there's a, and you can't compare it. There's a place called Las Tapas on Bergen-Lan Avenue, and I went in there, the fucking paellaeoie was great. But my all-time favorite paella back there is a dump.

It's always like that, though. And Monecky, New Jersey, were fucking, for some reason. Everybody's head is just huge in Munaki. Every time you see people walk, I'm like, they're trying to carry their head. Something happened with the water there, giant stadium or something. I don't even know if Munaki has a high school

were able to blow it up by now. I don't fucking know. But they got a fucking pie and it's dirty, a volunteer. You got to give them 45 minute notice. And then you got to warm up because you got the shrimp with the garlic. Yeah.

And you got to dip the bread and the garlic. If not, it just doesn't fucking work out for you. And I like when you scrape that, pan? That garlic pan? Oh my God. Jesus Christ, man. I just went.

I had the clams. That's a tapas on, basically. I appetizing and shit like that. But it's funny, my mother used to, she said that. My mother told me she had to do, like, and I can't do the timeline. Like, when she, I'm trying to figure it out now.

My mother had to do like a six-month apprenticeship with my grandmother on my father's side because they were from Spain and she had him spoiled. rotten with how she cooked in her yeah so that was part of the deal to get married to him you got not a cook for him whoa so when my father that's some old school shit yeah so when my father died my mother kept cooking those meals and there was a fish suit that she made that nobody's ever made because she would take the fish and break it into little strands to take the bones out with potatoes

or some feed ale you're like when you put feed ale it's noodles but fidel is something completely differently. Yeah. When you have Fidel, you know you're having fucking Fidel. Did your dad die in Cuba? No, he died in Union City. He did. He died in Union City.

And how much before your mother did he say? 13 years. 13 years before she died. Did you remember your dad? I could lie to here, sections. Like, I remember two stories. I remember me and him driving under Lincoln Tunnel with me sitting on his lap. Which you couldn't do today, no seatbelt, smoking a cigarette.

You know what I'm saying? I'll throw you in jail for that. Oh, yeah. And I remember him and my mother talking in the living room, like very, and me bread with olive oil. But that's it. I don't remember nothing else. But it's fucking sickening that I feel his presence.

Like, whenever I leave the house, you know, I worry about my daughter. You know, 30 fucking five school shootings this year. That's crazy. you see that little young kid's face. Do you see the one fucking 12-year-old? He's like, I get a bat, bitch. And that's how these kids got to be, yeah, yeah. They interviewed a 12-year-old kid from the Colorado shooting this past week.

Yeah. And the kid was like, I'll take a bat or whatever. He said, you got a bat, yeah. He's like, I don't want to go down. I'm not going to go down unless I'm swinging. That's, you know, and that's, I'm trying to, how old is your oldest, eldest now? He is three and a half. Three and a half.

Yeah. You got two more ears to not to worry. And then they go to kindergarten, and then you're on the road, and there's a school shooting. And, you know, when there's a school shooting in Kentucky, it affects all of us. Yeah, of course. No, it's terrible. You know, and it's amazing how people don't have kids. My whole view has changed on kids.

I've always loved kids anyway. Like, I've always, I'm not Michael Jackson. I'm not going to invite him to the house and talk about a great adventure with him. But I like kids. I like talking to them. I like observing kids and where their head is at. You know, and all that shit happened before. you grieve for the parents like you're like i would hate to be no no parents should have to bury their

child you know so you grieve about all that shit but at the same time now mercy goes to school and now when i'm on the road or whatever you have to fucking uh prepare them you have to prepare them like i've already shot a gun in front of her just to see if she'd shit her pants you know just you have to prepare them man it's a different fucking world and I gotta tell you something if anybody should have shot up a school it would have been a guy like me that lost his mother

at 17 that fucking was really confused I was angry at the world you know this god that they talked to me about for fucking 15 years wherever the fuck is he yeah there's no god would remove his mother from his kid and I would never think a blow at that age

first of all this is my place of business yeah that's why I sold my ass and how am I going to shoot up my own joint you know what I'm saying? Why am I going to shoot up my own joint? Yeah. So it just, it just doesn't, uh, just doesn't make fucking sense to me when the shit. No, the fucking shooting thing is so goddamn depressing man.

You see, did you see the fucking gun raid in Holmby Hills? Yeah. A thousand guns. Holy shit. How is Holmby Hills? That's, that's a Beverly Hills, Bel Air adjacent, like right there. It's big time money. And they, they fucking found a thousand gun.

I saw sheets and. and shotguns, like rifles, assault rifles, all kinds of shit. That motherfucker had more guns than Lincoln. Yeah, he did. That motherfucker was going to war. I think they said he was a white supremacist. They haven't really released much info. You know who owned the house?

There's the Getty, one of the daughters of the Getty. I'm telling you, something's not right. By the way, how fucking upsetting is it that the OK symbol has been hijacked? Like, that now that's a white supremacist thing. Do you know that? I don't even know what the okay symbol is. That is considered... That's a flying asshole white comes from.

That's not an okay symbol. For years. For where I came from... Look at it. That's a flying asshole. This was a little bit... A.O.K. And then the South Americans were all like,

this means you're gay. So they're like, this means you want some dick in your ass. You make the okay symbol. Yeah. This has always been dick in your ass. Yeah, put a dick in my ass. You know, if you go out... If you're standing up...

the corner and some guy pulls up at the light and goes like this yeah he's asking you want to dick me in the fucking ass with a small 30 he's giving you a three fingers or the small 300 when I remember it was a game like if you got someone to see it you got to punch them that was the game was a game but now yeah now it's well who would you play these games I don't know I'm the little faggy fucking kids this means fucking in the ass yeah and this means a flying asshole but now it means white fucking power you remember your first blow job? Yeah. What was the guy's name? Joey.

God damn. Did you ever experiment? Did you do some gay shit? No. Not even a little bit? Not even a little bit? He's thinking about it now. No, I'm not. He's been the gay bars and shit. Not yet. Just a Monday night wrestling. Life is young. You ever had like a tennis coach who's like, now you got to do it like this. I was a chubby kid. No one ever did that to me. Did you watch a documentary on that soccer coach?

It's on HBO. I caught the first fucking hour of it And I had to turn it off Because I could see my wife's jaw dropping Like some fucking molester The dude, the fucking coach The Olympics Oh, wait, the gymnastics coach

A documentary on him, though He was opening up your asshole And putting two fingers in your ass And telling you he was helping you Yeah, it was helping you So if you finger or your hips tight Let me stick my hand in your pussy With no fucking ointment on my hand

Nothing. Then he's like, creepy fucking dude it's like hundreds of hundreds Jesus Christ you know that's another one too you hear about that and you're like fucking hey man it's so depressing fucking scary fucking world and you got to prepare yourself well I notice like for you Joe you always go to your daughter's events it seems like like it seems like it seems weird to send your kid in an Uber to an event just with some random coach what no way there's a lot of people do that yeah don't get me started Don't get me started. You can't get me started with this shit.

Especially in this where we live, this area is very, I don't know. I don't know. For years, I was angry with my mother. Like in my early 30s when I went to prison, I wasn't angry with my mother. I just thought that she didn't do a good job. Now I would open the casket and suck one of the bones on her feet

because she did a phenomenal job. And here's the sad thing. She was a degenerate camera that was pretty much baseline, functioning alcoholic. She could do more as an alcoholic than most people do straight. She would eat people's fucking lunches.

As a woman, she ate people's lunches. She ate man's lunches. Never mind these cunty women that complain all day and don't do dick. So now I have a big time. Because the reason I'm in this room at 56 is because of the principles that she exposed me to

and the little thing she did. My mother worked till 3 in the morning, Doug. And my mother believed that a bartender had a drink to sell drinks. My mother believed she had business principles. She's like, I don't want a bartender who don't drink. You have to drink when you're behind the bar. It was the 60s and 70s.

So she really believed that? She believed that. She believed her bartenders could not have their boyfriends at the bar. If your boyfriend shows up, you're five. Not a key. I don't ever want the illusion that that guy doesn't have a chance with you. Right.

Smart. You know, I went to Benihana. The day I got back from New York. I look at businesses and I look at what a waste they are. That Benny Han and Encino is his ghetto as I've ever seen a place in my life. I was embarrassed with the papers on the floor. There was two drink cocktails outside. And it seemed as a white neighborhood.

Yeah. And it was disgusting. But it wasn't a people's fault. It was that they did not hire somebody to greet people at the door. My mother, when she had that bar, you know what the biggest lesson I learned was? I never forget when I was working for my mother, she would pay me good money, $20, $10, $10 to do menial shit, clean the bathroom, pickup, and I'll never forget one day we had the restaurant still. I had to be Mercy's age, and we had the restaurant still.

And I still remember my mother, and you think about it, you listen to the story, and you might think it's the wrong thing. And I remember my mother grabbed me going, go put a shirt. shirt on and a jacket and I'm like what are you talking about she's like come on come on and there was a podium at my mother's bar and there was a bar first and then it was the restaurant we only had the restaurant for maybe until I was about six or seven and it was too big of a load on my mother because at the end of the day my mother had to cook the meals so my mother had to cook but then somebody would come in at four and served the meals and she had wages and my mother would

be behind the bar and I still remember one day my mother there was a you know those doors that you push velvily it wasn't velvet it was like a leather material with two windows there was maybe my mother had 12 tables maybe three of them had people on I was about six I'll never forget that a couple pulled up and the bar had like 15 people at the bar and two people pulled up they go do you have a table for two and they were like aren't you young to be a matre d and they were goofing on me and I go let's let me seat you I'll never forget my mother was busy and she goes what happened to those two people and I go I sat them and she goes you weren't

supposed to see them you're supposed to see them at the bar and I got to get them for two drinks before I see anybody in my restaurant I don't care if it's packed or empty I got to get them for two drinks at the ball this is a woman in 1969 telling me this yeah and me going what the fuck you're talking to mine then she goes where's that ten dollars I gave you I took it out I go here and she took it out of my hand she goes you just lost it you just paid for those two drinks She walked away from me and I cried and I fucking remembered that lesson till today. I remember that lesson Yeah.

Don't. At Benny Honda, there should have been a guy there. That should have taken me and my daughter. Oh, you don't want it. You're too young. Taking my daughter, my wife to the bar and offered her a drink. That's principles. Those are the principles I was raised in, you know?

You know how many times I took my kid into that fucking YMCA pool and jumped in the pool? Me. At 3.40 at that time. When I first had Mercy, when I baptized Mercy, I was 348, 345. Really? Yeah. When I baptized Mercy, I got big.

I lost a bunch of weight and then I got big. I used to take mercy that's why I'm saying with no fucking shirt on. When she was six months old, I'd take it twice a week to mommy and me swimming. Me and my fucking wife. You know how many times I saw Mexican women with white kids in there? Oh, yeah, yeah. Now, Tom Seguer. I understand you're in New York trying to feed your wife.

But here's the beauty of it. Your wife and you were there. Oh, right. Texting. All right. Tweeting. And the kids are in the pool, like, and they got a fat Mexican woman, you know,

barely fucking speak. She's in the fucking dreamer. She's a dreamer. She's looking out of the window, you know, waiting to bring the rest of them, you know what I'm saying? And here, you two are.

What are the chances that I, that kid's got no chance? You never built a bond with your child. Yeah. I still remember fucking two feet of snow falling into New York City. I'm a Cuban kid, dog. Two feet of snow.

waking up my mother reeking of alcohol and her getting dressed and pulling me down fucking Amsterdam Avenue remember those sleds with the rope pulling me back and forth for two hours I was a kid with a hangover you know what your chance

you know what Mercy's chances are are getting me out in the fucking two feet of snow with a hangover niente zero you know what I'm saying white power uh yeah stinky asshole

these are the things that get at me that parenting has really like cut out and then now we got you know that whole shooting with that fucking Colorado you know what happened right there was a kid and then he had a 16 year old that was born a female but she identified as a man

well I don't know maybe I'm fucking retarded maybe I'm a fucking asshole how old do you have to be to drink 21 so you're giving a fucking 14 year old fucking pills because he tells you he's a woman You're giving them fucking pills? It's happening younger than that. The mind is not even developed yet.

I'm not a fucking genius here. I'm not a fucking genius here. Listen, I did acid at 14. I may at any time walk into a fucking restaurant and just shit in my hand and throw it against the wall. I'm waiting for it.

Is dimension my future? It has to be. I ate 20,000 hits of microdod acid. Let's pretend. We're not even adding the fucking angel dust in there. Before my little fat fucking mind was developed. I know I'm going to have a problem down the line. I'm not a psychiatrist.

I didn't go to doctor school. I don't know nothing. But you're telling me, giving a 12-year-old kid fucking titty pills, tranny pills. You're going to give some kid tranny pills at 12 and not fuck up his little mind. Did you not know that that the 16-year-old had a sitting court with his fucking mother? Because he's a fucking, he identifies as a fucking woman, but he's really a fucking man. If my kid, Tom Segourer, Murphy comes home and says to me,

I identify as a man, I will start smacking her. What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? I identified as a savage. I still check the box of fucking mail. Okay, I identify as a savage. I rob people. I put people in trunks of cars.

I don't give a fuck. I am a savage. I still mark the box gender. Male. I like to put other. I'm a fucking savage fucking animal. But so how can you, really? You know, how can you

Joe, give your child? They're doing it to kids that are like seven and six. To give them titties? To do what? Yeah, to start. To do what? To transition. Like, I'm no fucking genius here,

but I want you to think about this. Your little mind isn't even developed. Come back when you're 24. Oh, you want to be a woman? Come back when you're 24. Go out there and live like as a man until you're 21. So you mean to tell, how old are you to be to join the service? 18.

18. I don't know. Maybe I'm missing the fucking. No, it's very... Maybe they should put me in a fucking mental institution. Do you know what... I mean, you have a little kid too. Like, I have a kid, two kids.

Like, kids say crazy shit, too. And to, like, I think it's, like, people who want to transition, obviously you're like, yeah, go ahead, man. But when it's like a child, it's... I have nothing but love for LGBT. I understand it. I understand it. But I think it's...

I understand it. But I don't think a child before the age of 18. understands it. I don't think so either. I don't think there's a grasp. I think that when they're 18, if they want to identify, they have to go through some type of program

and take some type of testing at the age of 18. 8, 9, 10. 8, 9, 10, you don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. Come on, man. You don't know what you're talking about when you're 21.

If you take a great look at your fucking life, you didn't have a crew at fucking 21. You were just flapping your lips like I was. Yeah, of course. You were just flapping. You were just picking up what people were saying. at different fucking parties.

Yeah. What's the matter, Lee? Yeah, you might have, I can't tell me some... Oh, yeah, there you go. There you go. Okay. I thought I saw you wouldn't hit the microphone. You know, think of some of the shit you did in my tent for a week. Well, here's the thing, man.

Think about if you do start transitioning at a really young age, and then you're like 25 or 30, and you're like, oh, fuck. Like, I didn't want... I did it way too soon. Or even, you can even be younger. You could be 19 and be like, why did you guys help me transition at 9 or 10? And then, you know, there's already evidence of people who have done that and get suicidal, you know? Go look at the statistics of transgender people at any age that make the conversion or the journey or whatever it's calling.

I don't mean to be rude. Yeah, yeah. Look at the rate of suicide there. Yeah. You know, unhappiness, being unhappy is a moment. motherfucker. Tell them as it makes you think. Yeah.

I don't ever like being unhappy. I don't like it anymore. I was unhappy for a long time. I know I'm at an age where I know what makes me happy. I know what makes me unhappy. I know what I want to do. I don't want to do. Isn't that the best?

It's 50%. It's nearly 14% of adolescents reported a previous suicide attempt. But then for the one, for people who go from female to male, it's 50.8%. And then from male to female, It's 41.8. And I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm a fucking idiot in these people's eyes. And this is what I live with.

It's not about... It's common sense. Yeah, I would think so. It's fucking common sense. You have... You know, I love it when they show the governor or whatever dressing up like the KKK and putting blackface on

at the age of 23. I hate to tell you, you're a fucking idiot at the age of 23. Definitely. Your first year of college, you're a fucking moron with eyeballs. I'm talking about everybody. I don't care what kind of degree you have. You have no life experience.

No. You've been in a college. You've been in a dorm. You've been in whatever the fuck you have. Yeah, you have a little. Friday nights is always date night in my house. If I'm in town, there's no common, no nothing. We leave at 6.30.

We pick a restaurant. We take a ride. We're home by 9.9.30. It's no big deal. What about Sundays? You go out on Sundays? No. No.

I know. I know the policy. Sunday, then I. with the family who goes out on sundays jenny who no who goes who goes who who goes what person goes out on a sunday one just a sunday night well there's a piece of people no no no no no no when you're a fucking professional yeah if you really want to sling dick and get your dick sucked and let your balls on fire if you really want to party it's sunday and thursday night when i was doing coke oh sunday night to pick up a piece ass because she's been

saying no all weekend yeah yeah yeah Yeah. That's true. She's been saying no since Thursday. She's been holding out. She went to Chico La Ruse house and snorted blow. You got a Sunday. She's nice and soft. She's already taking 20 punches to the head.

You know what I'm saying? She's already Rose and McGowan, whatever her name is. Rose McGowan. She's bound to say yes, okay? Couple fucking drinks, a couple bluebirds. Maybe a fucking sleeper pill. You're getting your dick sucked. You know, Thursday night.

I never understand. When I was 18, I figured out not to go out on Friday nights. Before I left for Colorado, January of 1983, I was cut and was driving my friends crazy. They couldn't understand. Like, what do you do on Friday night? You're up to something. What do you do? Go to a gay bar?

I'm staying and watch TV because I went out Thursday night and got my dicks up and snorted blow. Thursday is Friday nights and for amateurs. Thursday is the best. Thursday is the best when you get down. But back going to Sundays, yeah, when you're going to Sundays. Yeah, when you're partying, Sundays are good. But once you have a girlfriend and you start going steady with them and whatever, think about what this country was made up.

Sunday fucking dinner. Yeah. Four o'clock. I don't give a fuck. Unless somebody's giving you a million fucking dollars, I guarantee if you look at statistics of people, we dinner together on Sundays, how long the family stays together. It just makes sense.

I never had a family. For years, I ignored this poor girl. For the first three years, I dated this poor girl. I was never home. Really? Never home. I didn't want to come home because I was a fucking addict. I was telling my wife, The United States, if I stole snorted Coke,

I'd be on the road every weekend. Every one, fuck the podcast. I'd just be on the road every weekend. Why not? That's the place to be. The party would start on fucking Wednesday. Yeah. It's the perfect fuck of the road.

If you're an addict and you want to keep it quiet, the road's the way to do it I mean eventually you're gonna make mistakes and buy an ounce of coke for an undercover agent or you're gonna get herpes or you got it up like Mitch Hedberg eventually that's gonna happen to you like Bert yeah like Bert poor Bert leave Bert alone he's he's lifting weight for one on he's got a little Chinese kid with a camera he's walking around Belgium and shit

like that I having a good time I saw him last week got so fat he looks Chinese I didn't even know it was Bert I thought it was a I thought it was a fat chinaman and shit. And I looked at him. It was Bert with some kid that alcohols getting through it. His fucking head is swollen from those Budweiser, that fucking Tito's vodka. He's all red. Oh, no.

He sees a mess. He's a mess. I thought he was a fat chink. I saw him on burt.com. Who's the fat chink? It was Bert. Lifting weights with some skinny fucking kid. Unbelievable.

Leave him alone. He's back, right? He's back. Yeah. He's rested. He got back last night at like two in the morning. You saw him? On Instagram, yeah.

Oh, God forbid he don't tweet about himself. Oh, my God. He's on there all fucking day. He's like a fucking fifth grader. Unbelievable. I'm over here now and I'm buying a shirt. He left. He was at a bar.

He made a video of him in a bar the other day. That was just hilarious. Oh, hanging out with people? Yeah. He's fucking hilarious. He really is. is and he'll walk that is my nightmare though he he'll tell the audience like let's go to this bar the audience and then he'll go party with the audience at bar Gabriel took the whole

audience at Denny's on Christmas night that I could get into that I could get into he told the whole audience how each had Denny's 3,000 Mexicans he bought he bought everybody everybody at Denny's Christmas night remember he does those Christmas day shows does he really yeah Fuck that. Irvine, right? Irvine. He's a savage, though.

He fucking goes. He must do 280 shows a year. Still, more. I'm saying, Gabe has no chill at all. Did you see his tweet last night? No. Fuck all you motherfuckers. I went to Alaska and sold like, he sold out the whole state.

I bet. Even the fishing poles. They just had fishing poles. Everybody left. That show, what's the boat? The boat was docked. What's the Alaska show? He sold over.

I believe it. Yeah, he tweeted it last night. Comics are missing out. But he never, he never slows down. Gabe goes hard, man. Gabe goes hard. And he, I mean, obviously, it works. I'm not saying you shouldn't.

I'm just saying like that. Remember, he started an age with no Twitter. Yeah. And built that following. This, you know, I'm a Twitter Facebook guy. 10,000. 10,000 in Alaska? Yeah.

Fuck, man. That's crazy. You know, what guy, you know, you look at these old bands. Like I told Lee one time about Aerosmith. Take Aerosmith, for example. Do you know how it was to break out of Boston? You had the Boston Celtics. Yeah, yeah.

You had the Boston Bruins. The Red Sox were gots then, right? Yeah. But you had the Celtics or whatever. You got two tickets for the Celtics, or you want to see five guys with a long hand. Yeah. And that's in the head.

Hablicek, Joe, you know. Yeah. Fucking Russell. You know, that whole fucking dynasty. How does a band bust out without social media? It's crazy. Gabriel, Sebastian.

Gabriel, by the way, also, like, I'm playing some big venues now, and sometimes you know there's, like, artwork in the hallways. I keep texting them. Like, I'll see in the hallway like Gabriel Iglesias, then I'll look at the date. I'm saying a pretty big theater, $2,500. And it'll be like 2010.

And I'm like, dude, you were doing this venue in 2010? He's like, yeah, I think I did it first in like 2008 or something. Like, God damn. I didn't realize how long he's been, you know, moving that many tickets. It's a long time, man. To maintain that for a decade is a big deal. It's a big deal.

It, uh, I stream a man booking the bicycle club. Gabe? $35 on Thursday nights and you had to get paid on Friday. You got to go back on Friday. and get your money in the heat of traffic off the 7-10. Jesus. There was times you just said, keep the $35. I still remember when he lost his virginity on the plane.

I had to went down, in those days, Rudy Moreno booked Wednesday in Tucson called Bugsies, and you'd fly down every Wednesday, three comics, a buck 50 apiece. You got a hotel room, and you got like $600 in food because the guy weighed 800 pounds that booked the thing, he had a lump on his fucking neck. It was tremendous. He'd take you to the best Mexican places. But then they introduced the show named K. Locos. Do you remember that?

Yeah, I do. He blew up on that. And George Lopez helped him. I think I don't know the whole story, but he's been rocking it since then. Dude, it's really impressive if you just want to study, you know, being a successful stand-up. what he's put what he's done is it really is remarkable to to build that following before that social media like build it off of like those shows and comedy central stuff and like just have that loyal of a following and make it grow for like you know he does arenas and amphitheaters and

shit now so it's like it's gone the other way i can't it was a couple weeks ago but he was like i remember coming to this city when i got 30 people at the club and i just i think it was like 20,000. He's like, there was 20 people at the club and now I did 20,000. That's pretty cool. Do you see, I mean, his special, he shot it in Houston where the Rockets played, and he sold out two shows there. You know what I mean?

Like back to back, 18,000 seat or whatever it is, 20 shows. I mean, that's 40,000 people in an hour. It's really fucking crazy, man. When you study it, I'll tell you why give props to? I had a conversation with him one night, and this is exactly how the conversation went.

It was in 98 when Houston was the hottest club in the country. Yeah. And I was walking until our factory, who's walking in but Dane Cook? Yeah. And I go, Dane, how is Houston? And he looked at me and he goes, it's a great club. Just too many nights. I got to figure out how to condense my nights.

And next thing you know, he was at that bar every Tuesdays. and they were just there to see him. In those days, they didn't want to see anybody else. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. Everybody went there to bomb. To Dublin's or? Dublins. Yeah.

Earlier Dublin's, you just went there to bomb. I still remember watching three, four comics bomb. I ate a bag of dicks. And I said, there's no reason to go back there again. He would just torch the room. He would destroy them. It would just be amazing to watch. I had him on.

last week on a podcast and we were talking about that and I was trying to tell the listening and viewing audience like because I used to go to those shows I didn't get on I remember asking jade i gave j davis a VHS i was like he was like yeah like looking past me he's like sure man like talking like to like to other people i was like fuck but i gave my VHS tape and i i sat through a few of those shows dain like the fucking walls would shake i remember sitting there and being like what in the fuck man Like it was so destructive. It might be like the hardest I've ever seen anybody. No, I was there.

I saw it and you, it's not that you were jealous. It's that you were defeated. You don't want to go back. Like you're like, there's no reason to come here. I already know this is Dane's room. I'm not going to have a repeat. I did an East L.A. room one time where I bombed like that. I was like, shit.

It was like all Mexicans and all Mexican comics. And I went up there like two, three years in. just eight shit I tried to do crowd work and I was like hey what do you think about this so he goes who cares I was like oh yeah no stage and I got off stage and the guy the guy hosted was like damn like that was wow how bad he like he was talking about it and then I was like sitting backstage I was like fuck and then I go hey man so can I come back um you know like maybe in a month or something he was like you'll come back here like in front of every he was like he said he'll come back here I was like he said he'll come back

here. I was like, God damn. I just ate shit so hard. I never went back. But, you know, I was asking for it. So I met you in 98. No. No, after that. No, I wasn't even out here then. When did you start comedy? 02. Oh, 2 is when you started. Yeah. And when did Rogan go on the tour that you opened from? Oh, 7. That man tour. Yep. And you were already in Ohio. No, no, I was out here. I was out here. Yeah. And I opened for him on that. And then I really, fucking formal like I met you the night before he shot a special in Columbus because I remember he invited me out Ari and then he was like oh Diaz couldn't make it so Diaz is coming on another flight Diaz walks into the hotel in his track suit he was like dog I got to tell you something

this fucking asshole on the flight he's like I almost got arrested today and he fucking said that he was on a flight and that he was first class and they put food down and the guy in the in front of him leaned back so Joey shoved his seat and the guy was and the guy leaned back again he goes hey you're fucking laying on my food man so the guy was the guy did it again so Joey stood up and went around and stood above the guy and the guy was like hey man I'm just like leaning back he goes you're leaning back on my food and the guy like went to adjust or like stand up and Joey put his hand on his shoulder and was like you don't got to do nothing right now just sit straight and then when you got off the flight

you said there was two Columbus PD officers on the jet bridge and they were like Jose Diaz and you're like I got this this weed under my nuts I did and then um this is by the way this is me meeting him I've no I don't know anything about it was like oh shit and then you go you said you just were like very polite like oh yeah no you know the guy this and that you kind of talked them down and they were like all right you know good to go got off like this guy was a total fucking you have a memory and a half i do that was exactly how it went down and here's the crazy thing like he kept doing it to me like after i said to him his chair was broken his chair was broken to start off with okay so now when he would lean back i really guys i really opened up as a

gentleman he was an l-a cunt he was like a set design He had that smell to him as a casting director. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or an agency, he had a boutique agent. Yeah, yeah. He was one of those scumbats. Yeah, those are the worst. And he looked at me like, and when I put in my hand on his shoulder, again, he's one of those faggy people that yelled assault.

Yeah, yeah. So when I sat down, he got up and went to the stewardess. And now the stewardess has given me the maluk eye or the stewardess has given me the fucking malukai. And I'm like, this is not going to be good. And in those days, I had my sleep apnea bag. And this time, I was getting in trouble at airports every other week. Every other week I was having a beef at an airport. Really?

Just between the cocaine and my attitude. And it was just a bunch of things that attributed to it. And I remember when we got off the plane, the cops were waiting for me, and I'm stinking a reefer. Because after three hours, even with the anti-stink bag, the shit would leak out. Those anti-stick bags you could buy, they really do sell them. I'm not kidding you, people. They sell them down in Hollywood where they wouldn't stink. But after two hours, the weed was so pungent that you could smell it on your body.

And the two cops stopped me. And the faggy guy was standing there going, you know, you should put them in jail and all this. I'm like, I didn't do nothing to go to jail. I tried to be a man and explain something to you. And right in front of the cops, I'm like, but you were too much of a cunt, an L.A. cunt and the cops kind of like oh i get what's going on yeah guys because they're blue-collar guys so he walked away yeah and they held me there so we couldn't be at the luggage together and that was it but there's a god see after these motherfuckers i don't know whether he sent his son to kill jesus

i don't know whether he's chinese i don't know whether he's a buddha i don't know if he's a hindoo there's a god guess what happened a year later i saw that same bitch across going to columbus on a Are they with me? Are you serious? And I just eyeballed him and he made eye contact. And tried to change the eye contact. And one time I went up to the bathroom. And what I did this time was went over the stewardess first.

You see what I'm saying? Yeah. So I went up and gave her a cop and I love your shoes. Yeah. You know, if she's black, I'm ripping down the Beyonce poster. They go bananas. And then when I count the way back. Oh, yeah, I tell them when they're black, I go, listen.

When I get home, I'm ripping the Beyonce poster down. They go fucking bananas. I go fucking bananas That's quite a line Come on, dog It always gets them It gets their pussy They go fucking bananas

They're nuts They want to show you The tinnies like national Geographic You know That's how they got those fucking poor African women To show you the titty

The National Geographic So on the walk back I said hey Remember me And dog He lost all all the color in this face there was no more stewardess there was no Columbus cops so i just sat like he was in row 3a and i was like in 4b so for two hours i just tapped my hand and stared at him

and every time he would look at me i was eyeballed him giving him two maluc guys it was tremendous he got off that plane and ran i bet he ran off that fucking plan and i giggled all the way to whatever Because there's a God in the fucking sky. You dumb fuck. You fucking dummy acting that way. I was a gentleman. A couple weeks earlier, I'm going to Newark. I always take an ounce seat.

I don't say a word to nobody on a point. You know, I don't talk to nobody at a point. I don't start it. I don't ask them whether, weather, nothing. I sat next to Berkeley last year. The whole flat, I didn't say nothing to them until we got off. What you say? I loved you at Philadelphia.

That's it. We walked off the plane. One time it was me Sebastian and John Legend sitting right next to each other. I don't talk to nobody. I don't need to talk to I need to take a picture with nobody. I need to do nothing. I get in my fucking feet. This is not first class. This is United New L-A-X to Newark. I'm sitting there. The plane lands. The plane's about to land and I take my phone out and I turn the phone on and the guy in the window seat says I look at him and he goes turn the phone off a German guy there's two German guys sitting next to me they were fucking you know whatever the fucking language they talk Nazi hate you know Jew haters whatever the

fuck they are and they're both sitting there fucking a hockle each other the death fucking he-ho and whatever the fuck they do with the hand and shit So finally, can you believe this? He goes, not even excuse me, sir, we might get in trouble. He goes, turn the phone off. And I go, what? And he goes, turn the phone off. And the guy in the middle goes, did you not hear him?

Turn the phone off. I go, bro, what the fuck do you think you're talking to? I go, don't ever fucking tell me they're doing it. Go fuck you and fuck him. And they're both going, wait till we get off the plane, we'll see. I go, well, we'll fucking see. And the story's like, is there a problem? And I go, this fucking hump tried to tell me to turn the fucking phone off.

And she said, control your language and all this. I'm going, no, I'm not to control my language. Don't ever fucking tell somebody. Don't you ask them. And the guy kept talking and found that go, what if I got up and just kicked you against that fucking door right now? Because you're in the last seat. I wouldn't be saying a word if I was you.

because if I start swinging, I could be a fucking madman. Why are you talking if you're in the third seat in the fucking aisle? All I see was holding your hands up and me stomping on you. That's all I see. You got a no-win situation. You could be Johnny M.MA. I get the first drop on you. That leg weighs 265.

Once it goes into you, I'm going to keep putting my leg into it and kicking you and your fucking Hitler buddy here. So the fucking stewardess-collar separates us because I told them. How long ago was this? This had to be. Last week. No. Around that time. This was like an incident.

I kept having. The Sopranos was harder than hell at that time. So I was having different fucking incidents every other fucking week. Some of them were good. Some of them were people busting my balls about the soprano, that you were the guy. Take a picture. Yeah. It was just like an ongoing.

So now they separate us on the plane because I told the guy, what if I started kicking you right now? What are you going to do? Are you retired? You can't be that fucking stupid talking all that shit. shit in the fucking third seat. I wouldn't say a word. I'd wait until I get in the hallway where I got an even chance, but that's how

stupid you are. So the distortus comes over. She gets me up, and sure enough, you got to sit here until the police have been notified. What? God damn it. So now I'm aggravated. Because my friend, in those days, we had no dough. You had to have your friend circle

like a fucking struits around the airport. So I'm like, you know, my friend's waiting for me. They're going, nah, you're the last guy to board. you're onboarding with the pilot. So we get up, and I forgot, I'm in New Jersey. So as soon as I see the cops, all I got to do is get to him first. All I got to do is get to that cop first and let him hear me. So that's exactly what I did.

I went right up to the cop, and I go, this fucking guy, the cop's like, what's your problem here? This fucking guy tried to tell me to turn the phone off, and the guy started with this fucking white shit. Well, we, the phone is not supposed to be turned on. I'm like, shut up. I'm like, first of all, you're the fucking away team, motherfucker. Once I said that, it was on.

I go, you're the away team. You got no saying this. This is Jersey. You don't tell somebody from Jersey to turn the fucking phone. No, fuck this guy. Fuck him. Don't ever fucking talk to somebody like that. And the cops were like, he's got you there.

Yeah. So the one cop walked them and the one cop walked with me, and I just kept saying shit. Remember, you're the away team, motherfucker. Don't ever forget that shit. We got you. I can make these guys turn you in and rape you're missing right now You're missing this could be like pulp fiction at the end when you call the two hillbillies Yeah, yeah

This is Jersey these two cops could take down a long ride and you'll never come back We saw him evacuating the flight in Newark and that's it. That's it We don't know nothing no seriously I had a bunch of incidents I forget how many incidents seriously one time I'm fucking walking on a Newark Tampa with a bag of reefer and there's 10 cops coming at me with the dogs oh shit I had to go into a fucking men's bathroom tape the weed out and I hitting the toilet paper roll you know me dog and I went back out there and they're barking and shit barking all around I fucking took the fucking bag back put in my

nutsack and ran outside oh I was having the other time I was on that somewhere smoking a fucking joint the cop pulled up on me in an airport I'm outside smoking the fucking joint and they're like what do you think you're doing they pull me aside I got pulled over in Detroit one time so what happened when they're the DEA really yeah calling from Miami to Detroit please so when you were smoking though because you know one of my friends I know like the whole world you know has changed with weed one of my friends is so casual that like whenever we're traveling somewhere he's just like smoking on any street without ever looking or anything

I'm like you don't even think about it at all I don't think about really any street there's America I know number one is America number two if you're a cop and you're really concerned with marijuana. I'm not concerned with it. And pulling you over and talking to you. Listen, I would not, I don't have the decency to go to your apart where kids are playing and spark up. I'm not talking about that.

Yeah. I'm talking about, I go outside right now and spark up a joint. I've had that for 20 years. You always were like that. Before the law, before the fucking paper. What did that cop say to you when you said, what are you doing? What are you smoking? And you're like.

And I go, a little weed. get anxious at airports and bye and he just said turn it off and throw it away that's it that's it just be honest with them don't show him a fucking weed shirt don't tell them about your fourth amendment to have liberty mind your business just tell them the truth but did you always like if someone was like that to me on a plane i i would have anxiety about yelling i want to yell at them and i would think about what i wanted to say but i would never go back no no i'm an adult you can not say that shit to me there's a way to speak to people you can't tell you can't tell somebody a 10 the fucking phone on.

You say, excuse me, sir, I don't think they want you to have the phone on. Then it's my decision after that. I'm still going to turn it on. I love in the old days, they'd say, there's still a phone on on the plane. How do you know? That's for white people to believe.

Oh, it's still a phone on. Check your phone. I've had the phone on the whole fucking time. Everyone's phone was on. Yeah. And they try to scare you. Like somebody, the pilot says there's a phone on, and people would double check.

And I know my phone. I've never been good. Listen, let's be on. I told somebody this story. Let's be strictly, completely honest with each other. When I got thrown out of Catholic school, my mother made me a deal at the age of 10. She goes, you could take care of yourself

or I could take care. If I take care, it's going to be on the fucking communist of Cuban rules. If you take care of you and you don't slip up, we don't ask no questions. So she was already raising me to be on my own. Yeah.

My wife of 19 years, who I love with all my heart, knows two things about me. Don't ask me where I'm going. And just pretty much, don't ask me anything. I'll tell you, if you want to keep your relationship as a friendship with me, don't ask me no questions. That's it. Because I'm not going to tell you the truth. Even if I'm going to murder somebody, I'll tell you whatever.

The other night she goes, where are you going to see a man about a dog? that's my common sense to people what does that mean don't ask yeah I'm going to the store what's the big fucking you know what it's it is my pet peeves man it is the questions because I've been raised without it I know I've been having a problem with certain situations I don't like when people try to push it out of me don't push it out me because you're not going to get no one if there's anybody who does what he wants to do from the morning tonight it's me and I've been doing it since I was 10. Sorry, you're not going to change me. You know, I could tell you thousands of examples. Don't, you're not going to lock me in. I don't like being locked in.

I'll tell you two days before. If you keep bugging me, I'm not going to do it. Ask me, I'll give you a time of the day and I'll fucking be there. It's, it's weird to explain to people. And now that we're parents, what time, you know how much I appreciate, just to get you for an hour, Tom? No. You have not one child, but two child, two children. People don't really understand the value of your time. Oh, yeah, it's the most important.

How many stupid requests do you get every week from people? A lot. And you try to be fair and honest with them. Yeah. But unless you have a child, you can't comprehend it. How do I know? Because I didn't comprehend Ralphie. When Ralphie come to town, I go, hey, man, let's smoke pot.

And he goes, no, I've got to take my kid to the zoo. With all the money you have, you have to go to the... Zoo, that was my thinking. Yeah. That's not my thinking anymore. It's apparent. Because you know, you know. It's not about money.

It's just sitting with them watching. I sat with her this morning for an hour before he came here, playing that shit out in the fucking yard. Her mother bought her the whole fucking kit, the torture Joey kit, the horseshoes with the fucking thing where they hit the throw up and landed the circle. I did all that shit this morning. Didn't cost us a dime. They just want time.

No, they do. They just want to play with you. And people really don't understand that concept anymore. You know, I have to have rules. I have to have, I go out to the store, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. But what can you come Sunday? You win? Because I got a wife and a kid, though.

Yeah. And they're more important than your stupid fucking night. That's why. They're more important. You want me to tell you the truth? Yeah, they are. I don't give a fuck about your stupid fucking night. It's just so many, you know, can you come to Marina Del Rey and do a podcast?

No. I got to be honest with you. No, that's four hours. No, my thing is no to most things That's four hours during the week I gotta be back here every day By 3.30 times Seguer I'm at attention

Like you see those Chinese people How they stand out there You see the Koreans How they're out there They don't move a muscle Yeah When the fucking Kim Jong-Hum is talking That's me at 3.30

I got a master And she's six She's six I try to watch 15 minutes Of World News tonight With David Mure And then I do whatever she wants to do Which three days a week

is movie tie. And then the other two days is swimming. And today's swimming. I should be a swimming right now. You see, they gave the boot, by the way, to the CBS guy. He's out. CBS anchor.

Which one? I forget his fucking name. He did the nightly news. They were given the gig to the lady from the morning show. They're swapping them out. The black chick? No. Mm-mm.

The, uh, she's like a white, uh, middle-aged lady. I fucking forget her name. But she's taken over the CBS evening news. I mean, he's a mirror is ABC, but I'm saying like that's, it's a big switchup, man. I got to ask you a question. How have you maintained being so cool the last couple of years? I mean, you have a great career going.

I don't know how many fucking, I mean, Netflix has a poster you in their office. When you go to Netflix office, like the president of comedy has a picture you with your dick out. He kisses her every day. He gets like a little kid. Jackson little dead dick it looks like one of those chachitja you know the chachishas those eight little sausages that come in a can white people call them vienna sausage yeah that's what my nipple look like cryotherapy one time dog my fucking nipple fucking look like a chachita I went to cryotherapy in Columbus Ohio the

black guys like I don't know if you want to go in there dog a motherfucker hasn't been in that weeks because when you go to crowd therapy in Ventura yeah it's every three minutes or something in this and it warms up When you when it like the other day I went in there early like 10.15 Ooh that was the longest three minutes of my life. I threw more punches than Donald's around that though I was throwing fucking punches from my life. Is that what you're doing there? Yeah what are you gonna do?

What options do you have? But you move. I go in that the song is three and a half minutes. I put on slaves and bulldozes and I always have to have you can't have bad music in there. No. You go crazy. Yeah, yeah. You gotta have Madonna.

You gotta move. Yeah, I put on dance, get into the groove. Yeah. Or burning up for your love and I'm dancing. So when I go during the week now, you have to go out at a weird time. Like Sundays, you're going at 1215. You're going to freeze to death in there. That first minute is so easy.

So what I do is the first 30 seconds for me is just standing. I take the robe off, I hang it up, and I just stand there. And I let the cold hit me and I focus on breathing. That's the most important thing about that. the crowd chamber that they don't tell you. That's why as soon as I went into a crowd chamber, the first thing I did was called Dr. Belize. Because in Dr. Belice's book, it says about the age from 13 to 16 is when you lose

your natural ability to breathe. Something happens traumatic and your timing goes off. So you forget how to inhale through your nose and breathe out through your mouth. That thing forces you. If not, you will have a panic attack in there. Yeah. So the first 30 seconds when you go, you would just align your breathing. listen to the music and just get your breathing in and know that for three minutes you can't stop

i go on there for three and a half minutes do you really yeah three and a damn i started at 315 you started at 315 yeah the first time went there with 315 i thought i was gonna fucking die i started with two i started at 315 and worked myself to 3 30 god damn at 315 i know to turn around and start put my robot okay i always leave the one arm fucked up to force me to adjust to the stress. Like if it's cold, I want to get adjust. So I just don't, I always leave the arm tucked. You don't understand.

I'm trying to say that? I think so, yeah. To give me a harder time to get out of there. Okay. So at three, once it says 30 seconds, I grow punches for another 15. I count them off and in my head, I stand there and I very relaxedly take the thing off.

I don't want to do that because now you're creating panic in yourself. That's true. So I force myself to take it off. As cold as I am, pulled the sleeve down, and put warm arm in, one arm, and when it turns off, she opens a door, I come out, and she fucking test my body. But I work it. I love that feeling when you leave.

It's worth it for it, man. I might go today because I'm hung over. Yeah? I'm hung over, just, you know, sleep hung over. Yeah. I did an edible the other night that was so fucking strong that my wife woke me up at 20 to 2 on the couch. And I thought she goes, you had a look on your face like I was, a demon. I go, bro, I was, I passed out and was dreaming about food.

You were? Like, when she woke me up, I was like, oh, my God, thank God you woke me up. I was having a dream about shit. She went in the kitchen and filled up a water bottle at 20 or two, and I walked straight to the kitchen, opened up the fucking cabinet, and there was a half a jar of Pringles. I just started Pringling it. I just ate the fucking Pringles. Then I made a ham and cheese sandwich. I ate that, and then I went right to bed. I was so fucking high. Like, Next morning I woke up and I saw the American cheese because when they slice that the butcher he puts paper in it And I saw it I go who ate the cheese let? I go oh my god I ate the fucking cheese last night How strong was the edible?

100 milligrams is stronger than debt. Oh my god I took two of them to New York to shoot this movie and I took one of them one night when I had insomnia Slept like a baby and then the other night I took on the flight back you took the hundred milligram on the flight back a flight back and I started freaking that the plane was going to go down. And then they pulled the plane over to the side because of the rain in the Midwest. And they kept saying, if we don't leave in 30 seconds and 30 minutes,

we're probably going to have to cancel a flight until tomorrow morning. I'm high as a fuck. And I'm thinking maybe I took the wrong plane. I switched. And maybe because I was supposed to leave Saturday. You're out of your mind at this point. Out of my mind.

I'm an hour in with earphones. The plane was at the gate for half hour and they made the edible go up. And then we drove around all over fucking New York City with Kennedy Airport. cutting off Ubers. I'm like, what the fuck is this plane going? And I saw little Arabs pulling over to the side.

Fuck you. I'm trying to drive Uber X. We're in that fucking plane. After a half hour, I'm thinking we're in the air. This is how I am, Tom's a girl. Jesus, man. Now, direct TV, you know, Mint. Yeah, JetBlue has the direct TV.

So I'm not watching the TV. I'm focused on the radio, and I'm thinking we're in the air with it. And I open up, but I see 20 other planes. I go, what the fuck are we? We have been driving for an hour. Seriously?

I don't know where he went around Kennedy Airport. We're flying around for fucking an hour. And I'm like, what the fuck is this pilot going? I thought we were in the air ready. I swear to my daughter's grave. I was so high. I thought we were in the fucking. I took 20 milligrams on my last flight to New York,

and that was too fucking much for me. Really? 20 milligrams will do something to do something. I took 50 on a flight there. I was fucked up. Really? I was fucked up, dude. Those little stars, those green stars that I bought, the 10 milligrams apiece.

Yeah. I took, because I bought those, too. Yeah. You control your eye. Yeah. The capsules triply. Thank God. Tin 4 podcast.

Give him a shout out. My man, Sam Trippler. I called him Sunday. Fighting crime. I go triply. I need another bottle of those things. He showed up with a case. Thank you.

Sammy. Yeah, he gets down. So fucking now we're on the, the guy goes, all flights going south. available to take off but all flights going westbound are stuck were on hold and now this edible's getting

stronger and stronger and now I'm thinking of my phone I was really supposed to leave the 533 in the morning and get to L.A. at 8.30 that was my original flight but being the fucking pig to the ham I got out of here early

I want to be home in the daytime for her tomorrow yeah instead of getting home tired let me go home I'm on that fucking plane I'm so going I'm like you know when you I was okay. This is how people die.

This is how people die, and this is how people lose bets. All week you wanted the Mets at the last minute. You call the Yankees, and you lose. The Mets were going to win. That was your first fucking option. Why did you switch? Yeah.

So I started thinking that way. And I'm like, holy fuck, this plane's going to go down. And I started thinking about my daughter Lee, my family, my friends. I was that high. Damn. And I'm like, how can I get off this plane? And all of a sudden he goes, all right, we've been approved. And I'm like, God damn it.

And as the plane was taken off, I can't even listen. I was so high, I couldn't even hear music no more. Yeah. Like the music was making me panic. So I took the earphones off, and I go, I'm just going to watch TV without the sound. Yeah. So what a mistake. I pressed CNN and desk, and it shows the plane went down off Guantanamo Bay.

Oh, fuck. And I'm like, oh, fuck it. A plane went down tonight. I'm good. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? He took my place. He took it, yeah.

So I was asking you, how are you keeping your head with all the great success you've had the last couple of years? Because you're still one of the sweet arts in my world. Yeah, I don't know, man. I mean, I think having a family keeps you grounded, right? Like we have kids that, you know, your family, you just, that's like the most important thing. And then, I don't know, I feel lucky. I feel fortunate to have opportunities, you know what I mean, to get to play the shows, the big shows. and you just feel like, you know,

I think also maintaining, working the same way that I always worked is for me, like, comforting. You know what I mean? Like when I was like a $1,500, $1,500 a week act, I would just go on the road, do my shows. I had like a routine, right? Like just, and I do the exact same thing.

I just bigger venue, but I prepare for touring the same way. I tour the same way. I think that keeps me, Like, I just think of it as the same thing as the $1,500 week at. You know what I mean? Like, prepare the same way. Just more people are at the show.

How much you travel now? It's, like, the last few weeks were super busy. So now I'm off for a few weeks. I got an easy, easy week next week. I have a Riverside Theater show. And then Saturday, Vegas, and that's it. Fly home Sunday morning. And I'm done.

So that's the only show for the next. few weeks and then it picks up again in June but then I have July three weeks in July off and then August, September, October, November are pretty busy like at least how's your December? December's I do one thing at the beginning of it like four shows and then I do New Year's in Hawaii when do you should know the special November where at in Austin at Austin city limits no shit yeah good for you man yeah i'm excited i'm excited that's been a holler ride for you man it has seen it's this day one yeah it's been crazy for all of us yeah everyone this whole circle of friends like the way that this has turned out is nuts you know i mean there's like it's like it's expanding

but like the the circle that i consider like you know that i'm close to buddies with you Joe, Ari, Bert. Like, what's happened is, with podcasting and with stand-up, this is the biggest era of stand-up ever. Stand-up's never been more popular. I'm saying across the board. You know, like, I was talking to a promoter last week about it because you forget, I forget.

He's like, you know, like 15 years ago, he goes, do you know how many theater acts there were in comedy? He's like, like five. You know? It was like Cosby, Carlin, You know, whoever, like Seinfeld, big. You had to be like a fucking huge, well-known name to be a theater comic. He goes, now he goes, pull up any theater list.

He's like, there's fucking 200 comedy shows a year at these theaters. So it's the best time to have ever have things going well for you in comedy. We've never, it's definitely, I mean, I can't reference it from memory, but like it's got to be crazier than the 80s boom that people talk to. about. Where do you want to take it? Where do you see yourself for five years? Do you want to be like Gabriel doing arenas and Kevin Hart? Do you feel like? I mean, I'm, I'm, I know, I'm kind of conflicted in that, like, I've, I've done four parts in movies in the last year, you know, from a big budget film all the way down to like a micro budget film. You just shot a film also recently.

I just shot a movie two weeks ago. I had like five days or something, six days here in town, Here in town, which is the best. I like movies way more than I like television. I love the whole layout of movies. I like that movies have a schedule and a wrap date and that it's over so you can see. I love the finality of a movie schedule. I love the storytelling aspect of it. I just like it more.

Before you got here, Lee and I were talking about scheduling. I have a big problem with comedy scheduling anymore. I have a big cop problem with comedy touring in this town and how it ends. I have a big fucking problem with it. I always have. I do not, as a comic, my opinion, ever start comedy to be on the road 50 fucking weeks a year. I do not at all. Not 40, not 30.

You had this perspective, though? Since day one. Yeah. I did not like it. I did not like it. If you live in fucking Hollywood, we live in Hollywood for a reality. Reason. Let me tell you what the reason is, okay? The reason is, do I want the Joey Dia show? At the end of the day, if you really sit here and think about it, Tom Sagarra, I know you sold

the show last year and I sold the show. In hindsight, I don't want a fucking show, okay? And neither do you. You know why? Because it sucks the blood out of you and turns into a vampire. Now, if Chichibastich had a show and he wants to make me a janitor, and he guarantees me six episodes, Out of 10 episodes, I canceled 10 weeks of comedy work. And for 10 weeks, I shoot that TV show. I do my podcast, and I work out at the store. When that show wraps, I go on the road. Fresh.

Fresh. You go fresh. You do that for a year or two. This is the way it got when I got here. When I got here, it was completely different than what it is now. Then you did your 10 episodes again, and guess what? somebody offered you a movie. So now somebody called you and said from April 8th to May 6th,

we shoot this movie, we really don't have the dates. Cancel comedy. It's off the fucking plate. Do not bother me. Do not talk to me. We have nothing to talk about. So now, instead of you working constantly year-round, because where do you work out your material for a Netflix special?

On the road. So now they get to see it again. That doesn't make sense to me. No. That doesn't make sense to me. I turn on your Netflix special and I know 20 out of the 45 minutes that you're saying Doesn't make sense to me

Never made sense to me I want to see your special and go oh I've never heard this from top the fucking bottom Ah, he said that when I saw him a couple weeks ago in Cleveland Yeah I don't want that I don't want that I'd rather do those Then wrap yourself around three weeks in clubs that nobody will fucking see yet

That they don't matter I don't want to say what's saying so nobody gets insulted. And then you shoot your fucking special. And then after you shoot your fucking special, you go on the TV show for 10 weeks and put the pen back on it. Get the fucking feather with the chicken blood out. And now it all balances out.

And at the end of the year, we're not burnt out on the stand-up. You're not burnt out in the movie. Because when you rap a movie, you're like, thank God this is over. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I don't give a fuck if you're working with Olivia. After six weeks of long days and driving and whatever,

You know, it gets fucking sick of it. TV, I'm shooting a movie in New York. You just said the magic words. Again, I don't mean to insult our body. Big difference between a set in LA and a set in New York. Big difference. You eliminate the Kunti aspect. There's no managers or agents on that set.

No. The sound I'm working on now? Yeah. They don't give a fuck if you're Olivia. You weren't getting on there. Okay, so it's just a director-writer situation. with producers and they work in New York. Nobody stops at this time when you did that line.

It was so brilliant. There's none of that shit. Nothing. You just shit. Go. The last two or three things I've shot have been television and I've got to be honest. And I'm not sounding like I'm trying to be as honest

with the audience and with you as I can. On the ride home, I wanted to put a gun to my throat with TV. Yeah. TV is something that we don't want. It's sold to us. They sell us a number. They tell us what you're going to make per episode. our dick gets hard,

and by the third week, you're losing your mind. Because you have a college kid telling you what's funny. Bitch, did you do Philadelphia with Bill Burr that time when I was getting thrown bagels at? No. Then shut your fucking mouth. Fuck you when you're Saturday Night Live watching fucking country faggat ass. Okay?

Fuck you with your mad TV and all. When I was a five-bayant I watched Saturday Night, that's not funny, and that's what you're weaned on. We're bringing the heat. think Chappelle canceled the Chappelle show? You think he canceled? He was on crack. No.

Because eventually you get sick and tired of people who don't know your craft. Telling you about your fucking craft. That's the worst. Okay? Yeah. When you do TV after the third episode, they're selling you shit that you've never even heard of.

But I have two kids. Yeah, but we want you to have a boy and a girl and the one kid's missing an eye. And the other kids are fucking tranny. And you're like, I didn't want that. That's not what Tom's to go is about. That's why we have a hard time with TV. Yeah.

That's why. The movie bit, this movie I'm working on, I'm loving it right now. And that was the schedule I was brought up on. Yeah, I like it. But to live in L.A., look at where those comics are. They're dead. Do you know what I'm thinking of, the only thing that really sucks about feature business movies

is like the business of it is horrible. Like trying to get something going is like a fucking... For yourself? Yes. Like to make a Tom Segura movie. Oh, fucking it's the worst. I got bad news for you and I got good news for you. That's all great in Danny, and we try.

Yeah, yeah. And look, we all want to sell a show and be like Lewis C.K. You get to edit it and cut it myself and I'll do all that shit. You know what the chances are on that? Yeah. That's six dudes they do that with. And they've got to be in love with you. And those are the people.

I mean, Louis C.K. was a funny guy that got that privilege. The privilege they give to those people the unfuny ones. Yeah. You know, like I said, all I want to do at this point in my life, you've got a recurring job for me on a job on a show. Why I come in, a janitor, a neighbor that comes in with underwear on, I hit your wife in the face with a dick. And you go home?

A nice show. You go home? You go home and it has nothing to do with you. You move on from show to show. And over the, look at these people that are worthless. Look at every year. There's a new show on Fox. Why don't you, you just canceled three shows.

Yeah. You've just been on three shows. Dude, shows aren't the same anymore. They're garbage. They don't mean anything anymore. They don't mean anything. You see how many shows they cut? Yes.

All the time, man, every week. No variety cut. Yes, I saw a variety on Twitter. They must have cut 30 shows. And you know what? The other crazy thing is, you used to not, there used to be no such thing as somebody being like, yeah, I'm on this show. You would go like, what show?

They say the name of the show. You'd like, oh, I know that show. Dude, now people say shows. I'm like, what's that? And they're like, that's in its sixth season. I'm like, I've never heard of that show. TV doesn't matter. Yeah.

You know, when I got the longest shot, I realized that TV didn't matter. People would tell me, They don't want to talk to people on TV. They want to talk to people who are in the movies. Yeah. I believe in one thing in stand-up comedy. First of all, I like being fresh when I do stand-up comedy. Yeah.

I really love being fresh. I really love wanting to go out there and hug the people after the show. Once you don't want to hug the people after the show, take pictures of them, don't do it. You don't really want to do this, you know. I'm not saying every weekend, but I'm saying I don't want it to be. I believe in Winston Churchill says, you know. when you go from area to area with excellence. I like podcasting because I don't have to go out that extra week a month.

I like movies because then like that, you get to do several different things and you're fresh for all of them. If you told me right now, Joey, I picked up a show for 10 weeks. I'm definitely right into six. I'm mentally prepared for that. And I'm excited for that. I'm excited to drive to Fox.

I know where I'm going to eat bagels. I know where I'm going to do Jiu-Jitsu on the day. We work late. I know where I can kickbox. I have a friend that lives you know what I'm saying yeah So you turn it into your life. I don't want to shoot a Fox show if my agents call him you saying Why don't you book a Friday that week because I don't know what's gonna happen I don't know what's gonna happen Let's not book anything so we can avoid the drama so we know where we are for 10 weeks That was all I ever wanted I want this to be broken up

I do not want to be on the road for Rogan didn't go on the road all that shit He goes in the road when he wants to. He does it. Because he's got a vaulted downstairs. Yeah, he's got it the right way. He did two shows. He's got it like really down work-wise. He really only works where he wants to work when he wants to do it.

There's a big difference between being hot and then one day you go cold, like the names we spoke about before the show. And now you've got to go out there to keep the lights on. Yeah, that's terrible. Guys, that's a grind. Yeah. The guys you see on tugging. boats now what do you call the ship cruise ships those tugboats

they're really hanging there's going to be a bunch of brodies the next couple of years those tugboats every weekend they're going to come back with a new brodie we're going to be having celebrations on ships for fucking years because you could just take so much of that the cruise ship when you walk out of your room and you see three people

you just that's a brodie fucking that's like that Scientology boat that got back last week because of the measles those poor motherfuckers That ship shit, can you imagine? You know how fortunate we are? Every time my feet touch the ground in the morning, well, I'm pissing, I'm thanking God.

Do you really? I swear to God. That gratitude shit is actually very effective. Every day. Every day. First of all, I'm not on a cruise ship. Yeah. I'm not going to Long Beach and get on a ship.

Hey, with a bunch of mortadels. Who goes on a cruise ship? People going on a cruise ship? I've been on it. I don't like it. No. I've been on it one time the cruise to nowhere

my parents like it yeah please sit them down and talk to you know I've tried to I say the next time you're on a cruise ship I'll get a fucking I'll get a six for four black guy to throw you off I swear the guy right there in Curisal I'll never find your body I hate it I don't like it at all man I don't like it I don't like it

you get the measles everybody gets the measles you get VD everybody gets VD that that ship goes down they ain't no Leonardo Caprio no they ain't no Leonardo cabin they ain't no chubby chick what's the name Kate Winslet she's hot and the fuck though that pussy that movie with a pussy out

with Harvey Kitell she shows a pussy got a beautiful fucking pussy most of the good looking chase got that ugly tuck on the pussy you see that that ugly fucking thing it looks like somebody hit it with a hammer those tuck under pussies when the clip don't come out how do you like do you like it like it like a little meat to it I like a little meat to it

like I was telling Kate quickly she got a nice body but no pussy it looks like cardboard down there you know what I'm saying if I suck a pussy her uterus will come out I need some meat down there. I need that clip to be chewed you like a piece of calamar. You're even chew on that clit and you're like it's tough like calamari. That's how it. I don't want colomari tough.

But when I eat pussy, I want that, you know, if you bite it, they ain't gonna yell. What do you bite it? You gotta bite it from time to time. What about you? Are you eating pussy? Please, don't even get it. Please. We've been off this subject for months.

Leave the kid alone. Yeah? Leave the kid alone. I eat pussy. No, please. Please. I don't chew on it. Yeah.

That's why you're single. Because if you ate pussy the right way, you have 20 bitches around you're a chubby dude chubby dude should always have 20 bitches because they eat that thing like it's their last supper you go down there you're scared you don't want to lick the ass or you don't want to open the cheeks yeah don't get them you never eat ass no no really i don't want to god damn it oh that's gonna a guy with a little skunk ball from a cochinito last night took my wife to the yeah i took my wife to fuck it oh yeah i take a good restaurant here Yes, tremendous. Rice and beans.

How was that fart? I don't breathe in now. You got to eat the ass. Why? Don't, please. Leave my love. By the way, I'm very flattered how often I get tagged that you're my twin. Oh, thank you. I don't know.

If I lost like 50 pounds, but I need to lose some weight. It would be nice. Tom's a girl. I don't want to take any more your time on a Monday morning. You're the best. You got to go home and feed the fucking kids. Where are you next weekend? I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmopolitan.

Nice. Yeah. And then I got big show. The only thing with tickets left is June 2nd, the late show at the Chicago Theater. It's a Sunday. I got two shows there that night. The night before is Detroit and St. Louis. Those are all sold out.

So the late show, June 2nd in Chicago, come to the Chicago Theater. It's a 9 p.m. show. On the Sunday night. June 2nd, yeah. If I had the balls, I'd send the Jew out of prison to light the fucking theater on fire. If I had a second show on a Sunday night, you're a fucking Gavon. You should have just taken the money from Sunday and ran home. I know.

Go get a fucking beefsteak sandwich. Now you're sitting there like a fucking Bavarote with a cup looking for people to come out on a Sunday night in Chicago. They got a good offer, man. What am I going to do? They got a Tomsegura.com or something like that. Yeah, Tomsegoor. Got your beautiful wife.

Slash tour. Great, man. Yeah, she's great. My favorite Hungarians in the world. She loves you. Three Hungarian friends. She's one of them. She's one of them.

Christina. She loves you. He finally said it right now. Huh? He finally said it right. What's that? He said it right this time. What's in there?

I don't even know what I call it. Christina. You call it Christine. Sometimes you call her Christina and we always laugh about it. She goes nuts. I love it. Is there at tomsegoa.com? Yeah.

Tomtiger.com slash tour has all the dates. Tom Segura. I'm happy. Europe. All that shit. Europe? I'm doing Europe too. What are you leaving?

And that's October. Wait till they, went to ISIS fucking. Fuck she in the ass. Don't come texting me. I'm over here, nobody will save me. Go ahead. Wait until they fuck Bert Christa. Right until he goes.

He's going back to Australia. He's going to Australia. Yeah, wait until those kangaroos get him and put that kangaroo dick in him. He'll never be the same. If you thought he looked Chinese before, wait until you see him when he comes back now. God.

I swear to God, I thought he was a fat chick. I thought he was into the dragon. I don't know what the fuck was going on. Anyway, I want to thank our spot. I want to thank my man Tom Segura and the Christ Killer. but most importantly, I want to thank you guys.

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Use promo code church for 20% off your first order. Keep your fucking balls clean. I want to thank my brother, Tom Segura. I want to thank the Christ Killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for always having our backs, you bad motherfucker. I love you to all my heart. We'll be back Thursday morning, ready to sling dick and give out bubblegum.

Don't forget, June motherfucking 7th, the Fillmore in New Orleans, June 8th, the Tabernacle in Atlanta. Tickets are on sale. Go to Joey Diaz.net, and let's get this fucking party started. I'll see you then. Take this fucking Mulee. It's Monday. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody twice as smart As I

A somebody who will swear to be true As you used to do with me Who leave you to learn That misery loves company wait and see I mean I want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart

to bits let's see if the puzzle fits so fine and that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet as I sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you