The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #684 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 16, 2019

Joey Diaz talks with Lee about how Mother's Day makes him feel, how he's dealt with the loss of important people in his life, and how he's learned to cope with loss.  This podcast is brought to you by:   Hims - Go to ForHims.com/COCO to get started for just $10. While supplies last, restrictions apply.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

When I was about five years old, we lived on 205 West 88th Street. That's when we got the house. The apartment was raided on 89th Street because of bookmaking activity. So my mom had to move to 88th Street, 205 West 88th Street. Every other day, my mom is the one that got me hooked on Chinese food. We'd walk down the corner of 88th Street and hook a fucking left on 88th towards 87th. And right in the middle of the street, there was a little Chinese restaurant. That was fucking delicious.

Best wontan soup you ever had. I mean, that's why I discovered real Chinese food with the metal of the whole thing. My mother was in there three nights a week, and we probably got food delivered one night a week. My mom, like taking a walk over there and fucking with the fucking Chinese dudes. So it was a particular waiter that she had,

and every day, the fuck, when she'd go in there, a waiter would come over with my mom with duke him a fucking 20, and everything would be perfect. Well, one day my mom goes in there, and I'm with it, and her fucking favorite waiter ain't there. So we get this other skinny Chinese dude And he's fucking like just He was not getting the order right from my mother

And in these days my mom were going there in the mornings When she was hung over Like 11, 11.30 And it was basically for the wonton soup And then she would get like an egg roll Or some fucking entree. I would always go for the wonton soup And the pork fried rice and the egg roll

Well on this particular day The fucking dude comes over And he brings the wrong order to my mother My mother's got half a bag on it. And she takes the fucking fork, and she stabs them with the fucking fork. And the Chinese guy starts yelling and all these Chinese guys come out of the back. My mom pulls a fucking knife, and I'm in the middle of it. And my mom was like, we're going to walk out of here.

But there was one Chinese dude that liked my mom, and he came over and he walked us out. And we were 69 from the place. That's it. And you're not allowed back in here. They wouldn't even order. They wouldn't even let us deliver to the fucking apartment. So my mother had the balls one day. I got home from school and she said, I got a terrible headache.

And I'd eat that soup. You're going to have to go over there and get me some fucking food. I go, they threw us out. We're not allowed in there. She goes, no, no, I'm going to fucking disguise you. And she put like a little mustache on me. I must have been about five. She put a little mustache on me and a little hat like a fucking Sinatra hat.

And she put like a suit on me. And she called the order in. In those days, there was no caller ID. There was nothing. She called it in under a different name. And I went in there and picked up the food. until this day she's 69ed out of there. She was 69.

We went in there years later, even after she moved to Jersey, and they still told her she was 69. But she would go in there and make fucking, if you take your two fingers and make a pledge, do it with both your hands and then put your fingers over your fingers. And if you whistle through it, that's an insult to Chinese people. So my mother would put her two fingers on top of the one finger and whistle out of them and make them go crazy.

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It's Wednesday the 15th. month motherfuckers what have you done let's do this kick this meal league kick it louder loud I want this meal I want these speakers to blow the fuck up it's Rod Stewart cocksuckers I'm gonna peace brothers on the drums are you fucking nuts or what what's happening you bad motherfuckers it's a solo fucking podcast today it's myself and the fucking Christ killer hello we'll come and direct that you from the

fucking voodoo lounge The reason why we're doing a solo podcast, something I've been thinking about for the last couple days, that was just very interesting. It was Mother's Day. You know, it's a fucking holiday, fucking a Christmas card type holiday. Like the card company's made up Mother's Day and Father's Day.

It's not that somebody celebrated. I mean, if you're a decent fucking person, you know that Mother's Day is every fucking day. But for some reason, this Mother's Day, I went on the computer Sunday morning just to see what was going on. and I saw how many fucking people were dealing like with a mom's death like my mom's been gone for three years in heaven

or five years in heaven and let's... Today the first thing I did this morning was called Jerry Rocher. His mother died, so I called him. The first thing I did Mother's Day was give him a call and I could hear it in his voice. It was fucking traumatizing. And all I could think about

was my first Mother's Day without my mother. And to boot, it's my mother's birthday. Mother's Day weekend. So it's fucking, it's just eye opening. And the first two or three of them, you don't even know how you're going to make it through.

And this goes for your father, too. You don't even know how you're going to make it through. You really want to just sleep the day away. But you want to go to bed Saturday night and wake up Monday morning and not even process it, whether it's Mother's Day or Father's Day. It's such a painful thing. And I was thinking about, like,

you know, my mother didn't die in the hospital. My mother didn't die in a fucking car accident. My mother didn't die in none of that shit. I found her plain and simple. When I was 16 years old, you know, I went downstairs and there she wasn't a fucking floor. You know, at that age, my world collapsed. I mean, I didn't even know what I was going through till now. And I don't have a lot of things going from me, but I do have one thing over you guys, and that's years.

I'm a lot older than you guys. And life experiences. I mean, look at my fucking face. you could see the fucking map to death on my face. And it was because of those years of me trying to, you know, at 16, you're trying to wrap your little fucking undeveloped mind around the death of the most important person in your life, who's supposed to be the most important people in your life, your mom and your fucking dad. They're number one unless you were raised by a grandma or whatever.

But, you know, for most people, it's your mom and dad. To wrap your head around that at that age, it was tough. not feeling bad for myself. I overcame it. I thought about it. I mean, listen, for me, it's Mother's Day every day. Because every day I draw from the pain. Every day, I think about it. Every day I think about what would my life be if she was still around. Every day I think about if she could take a good look at mercy. You know, your mother's always with you. I mean, I came, it took me five years to accept that she was even fucking dead. For five years, your mind has no fucking closure. Like, listen, I look at my,

phone now like sometimes I got to call somebody and I open up my phone and I see Brody's phone number I've never erased them I see my man Berkel's phone number I see my man fucking Ralphie's number I've never erased him and yeah it hurts a little bit when you open it up you're like Jesus fucking Christ you know you you go through sadness and then you think of a joke they said or something they said and you smile you know somebody put up a video of Ralphity a day and I went on a computer and just nearly had a nervous breakdown it was him doing comedy and Snoop Dog, sitting in the back.

I mean, I still can't wrap my head that he's dead. To me, he's just on a long tour. For me right now at this point, he's on a long tour. I just haven't seen him. My head, with any death, your head never, it takes years for you to wrap your head around his death. So it took me five years just to come to the realization that she was dead, and I went off the fucking rails.

I went off the fucking handles. And I couldn't handle it yet. Now the pain doesn't sting me as much. Unless if I really, really, really get involved in my mind into it, like last time on the way up Laurel Canyon, Saturday night from the Comedy Store, I thought about it because I saw something that said Mother's Day. And for some reason, it dawned that me that this is going to be the 40th Mother's Day without my mother. 40 fucking years.

And, guys, it still hurts. 40 years. and it still hurts. It hurts because of how it happened. Like, you never expect to wake up and see anybody on the fucking floor. You never really do. I knew my mother had her problems

and their issues, but I didn't think she was going to die. I mean, you never think. You don't even go there with your mind when you look at your parents. You just avoid it. When it does come up, when you see your mom and they're getting old,

you're like, oh, she's going to die and you say to yourself, no, she's not going to die. I'm not even going there. You don't even let you. your mind go there sometimes. So when I see you guys posting on Mother's Day that you're having a hard time, my heart goes out to you guys.

I mean, I saw 10 people post that their mothers that were gone three years, John Bender to, you know, RIP mom. And yeah, it's a funky place to put it up. Whatever works for you. I'm not here to criticize nobody because they put a post up.

Whatever works for you to make you feel better, you know. For me, it took years. It took years to understand what had happened for years to understand what I was going to do with my life. I mean, 40 fucking years. I'm driving up Laurel Canyon. I'm like, okay, I made it 40 years. I did this with my life.

I did that with my life. I cleaned up a little bit. I'm not a fucking common thug anymore, but I still miss my fucking mother. how did I survive without her for 40 fucking years when she first died listen guys and I've said to you I've said this to you guys from the heart before I wanted to die I just didn't have the balls to pull the trigger I did everything I could to fucking die I didn't take care of myself I did drugs you know I did everything I could till I felt that I was somebody so you know from 1979 to 1991 in my mind I had no fucking value I mean none at all and I

know a lot of you guys are going through that a young age from the age of 16 to the age of 30 something my life had no value in my mind if it was if it was money wise my life was worth a nickel that's I'm telling you this right now now it's not worth anymore but I have more value on myself that I had between the ages of 19 and 31 at the age of 31 yeah I found comedy thank fucking god I found comedy that was my fucking religion but for for a long time I walked around wounded and in other words I was just spinning my fucking wheels till I started doing comedy and I started writing and I figured out somebody a wise man named Doug stanhope told me to write out my life and while I was in the road on buses I would just take a notebook and ride out my life and while I was in the road on

buses I would just take a notebook and ride out my life and then I came to the conclusion of why she died you know you you have to break this down in your mind as hard as it is as painful as it is yeah a tear is gonna fall from your eye but you're all fucking big boys now and you know when you look at me our ultimate end is that we're all gonna fucking die we all gonna die that's it we don't know when we don't know when the expiration day is we're all gonna die But when you think about your parents, it's like fucking, I cannot believe she's been gone for 40 years and I've made it without it. 40 fucking years and I've made it without it.

I didn't know. I had no fucking idea until Saturday night when I was driving that this had even happened, you know. How old were you when you were able to start dealing with it? Like how many years ago? I started dealing with it when I was 20. four years old, maybe. Now, I started dealing with it. The first time that it came to my mind that she wasn't coming back,

I was 22 years old. So it took me from the age of 16 to 22. I thought she was like Ralphie. She was just on tour somewhere or something like that. It's just so weird. Not going to what I haven't had, like my parents are still with us, but over the last couple of years, I had some people that when I moved out here to L.A.,

I worked with them and they died suddenly. And it's so final and it's so quick that it's like it's hard to even know. Like, what do you mean they're a con? Look at the Brody's situation. One minute he was at the store and the next minute he's gone. Look at the Ralphie situation. One minute he's in Las Vegas doing the show. The next minute he goes home.

We don't know. We don't have the fucking answers. I'm just here to help you cope. it a little bit because I'm coming from that experience. As a young man, I hadn't learned. And don't get me wrong, there was tons of drugs and alcohol involved and insecurities and fucking confusion because the pain comes on and you don't even know what it comes. The pain is disguised.

The pain is disguised as something fucking else. Anxiety, it's always disguised until you manifest it and you realize this is fucking pain that's eating me alive. You know, a couple weeks ago, like I told you guys in the podcast, New York was very eye-opening for me because I realized that I really wasn't doing what I really, really wanted to anymore. I was doing all this stuff.

Like I said, I love doing stand-up, but I also like doing movies, guys. I like doing a podcast. I like spending time with my family. I like spending time with my daughter. I like spending time at the comedy store. I like so many fucking things that I don't have that much time to focus on just one.

But that's not what we're talking about. out of you. We're talking about dealing with fucking pain and how it creeps up on you every day. For me, I inherited pain from my mother in the sense that I saw her deal with it at the end of a day. That was when the pain of losing somebody, when there's no friends around, when the bars are closed, when you're home taking off your shoes at the end of the night. That's when the pain would hit me the most. That's why I think people ice themselves when they go home at night, because that's when the pain manifest. And that's when you start hearing voices, and that's when you start getting doubts.

I don't know, because it used to happen to me. The first three or four years after my mother died, guys, three o'clock in the morning was always a tough fucking time for me. Once I'd be home and the Coke would wear off and the alcohol would start to diminish. And no matter how fucking drunk you got, I don't care if you were fucking pass-out drunk. You'd wake up to pee and you feel the pain coming in on you. And then you wake up the next morning and you fucking take a shower, you know, you start thinking about your day and the pain disappears. But once you get home and none, I think that's, you know, that's why a lot of us eat late at night. You know, a lot of us like with me, I gained all that weight over the years.

It was my late night eating habits. I can't blame it on that. I'm not going to tell you that it was that. But I'll tell you, dealing with nighttime for me are fucking rough. Not anymore. Not anymore. I'm pretty solid now the last 12 years. I think the last 14 years, I think even the last two years of doing the drugs,

that's when I caught on. That's why I had to get high at night. I wasn't an all high. Think about that. That's very interesting. I never got high in the day. I've been telling this podcast for seven years and I've told endless stories about getting fucking high. The only time I would be high when there was sunlight is if I woke, if I stayed up all night to it.

I was never the type of person to just take out a bump of Coke and do it at three in the afternoon because I knew it would ruin my fucking day and I didn't have time for it. I still wanted to do comedy. That's why I say to you guys that the comedy was my fucking religion. And it saved me because I would not fucking do a bump in this daytime. Nor between you and I, did I need one or was I interested in one? Did I go get Coke in the daytime for that night a million times? I can't tell you how many times I would go, you know what?

I'm not doing anything right now. And it's better than going over there tonight with cops all around and when it's dark and you get pulled over. I would shoot his house in the daytime. He'd give me a package. I'd go home. I'd put it in my fucking closet in the fucking box. pocket and it would stay there until I got back sometimes I take it with me to the comedy store but I didn't need it at the comedy store I would do it at the comedy

store is a means of entertainment or whatever I needed it when it was just me alone with myself that was the only even if I partied with you even if I went back to your house and did a few lines I always saved something from when I got home so I could deal with whatever the fuck was eating away at me but now in hindsight I think about all those years that I ate I haven't eaten but see the thing about me is I could count on fucking two forehands how

many times I've gone out to eat I mean how many times have we gone out to eat past midnight since you know me two or three maybe went to the coral and had the cheese omelet I mean I'm not I've never really I've always been very scared of eating at night but when I was younger

I would eat fucking tons at night that's that was a if I didn't have cocaine it was food it was food for me it was real interesting now thinking about it in hindsight that I would go home at night and stuff myself

I would eat fucking 10 sandwiches if you let me when I lived with the benders they would always have co-cuts because they had a deli in Hoboken I would go home at night if I wasn't high and I'd eat myself

into the point where you can't fucking you know those people I can't put their pants back on like that type of shit so you stuff you know your emotions with food or drugs or alcohol whatever the fuck it was that was fucking eating away you know today today the

pain knocks on my door from time to time I'm not gonna lie to you and now because I've been living with it for so long I've adjusted it to draw on that pain so like I've told you guys a millions of times before I do comedy I don't want to do nothing I don't want to do nothing I don't want to hear nobody's voice I don't want to go to dinner I don't want to do nothing. I have a preparation. And the preparation is while I'm looking at my notebooks, at the jokes, I'm going to say at some part,

my mind just forces myself to think about my mom. I don't know why. Or my dad. You know, with me, it was the pain of my dad and my mom. My dad died at three. So the only connection I have to him was the early connection you make as a baby and as a, you know, a newborn, whatever that connection that's called. I don't know.

I read about it years ago. go, but that was it. Did it eat away at me? Absa fucking looting. I wasn't even recovering over my dad, and all of a sudden my mother died. So now you got two different forces meeting on you. Does it surprise you why I ended up doing all those drugs?

Does it surprise you that I would wake up like fucking that guy from narcos that looks like with foam wear on my mouth? They fucking surprise you? Does it surprise you that I still get high today? That I smoke weed? Why do you think I smoke weed for? Because we all struggle with something. We all struggle with something.

Listen, I could go home at night, get high, smoke a bowl or bong, and I could write out whatever's bothering me. It took me years to figure out that. When I have insomnia, some nights yet, you have insomnia, something comes on the TV that's good. Maybe you drink a cup of coffee later on in the night. Maybe you drank a soda. You had a ton of caffeine.

You know, in some of those green rooms, sometimes, I go in there, they have the sugar-free Red Bull, and I'll drink half of it before the second show, you know, shit like that. But sometimes 90% of the times, 85% of the times, if I have insomnia, it's because something's rooted in me, and it's sideways,

which means something's eating away at me. And I'll get up, dog, I'll fucking one of these things are water, and I won't go to bed to that water's gone. And I'll force my, it's like fucking Chinese timer. You know, an egg timer? Yeah. You have to flip it over.

That's what you do. You time yourself with water. How long would it take me to drink 16 ounces of water and just sit here and think? And I'll write out, whatever the fuck is going on in my fat little fucking brain. I'll write it out. And after I write it out on paper, I make another outline. I make an outline of what can I do so I don't have these feelings recurring in me anymore. What do I have to do in my daytime?

What do I have to do in my life? What do I have to do in my personal life? So I won't have these fucking feelings no more. And right then and there, I take care of it. There's no psychiatrist. There's no nothing. The wordage is right on the fucking notebook. And you worked it out yourself.

It's like when you used to be a kid and you'd have three plus four. And you just couldn't tell the teacher seven, you had to show them how you fucking got to it. You show me the work. And that's how you get through the fucking pain. Or that's at least how it worked for me. Confusion, I take it to a notebook. You know, a decision, take it to a notebook.

You know, even if you have to do an Abe Lincoln close, you know, the label Lincoln closes when you take a sheet of paper and you put a line through the middle and you put the negatives and the positive on the, whatever it takes for you to move forward, the notebook is there for you. It might not where you might be going, Joey, doesn't work for me. Then talking it out with somebody, but with that same formula. Well, the thing that is, like, that is blowing my mind right now is, like, we're all different. We all go through different things. We're all different people. But we all have moms and dads. We all lose jobs.

Like, did you ever talk with, like, it's good that you have the notebook thing, but did you ever talk with your buddies about it or anything like that to, like, or were they too young and they didn't lose their parents at that point? My friends would bring it up to me. when I was two or three years after my mom died, some of my friends who talked to me about that night, like how was I feeling, how was I dealing with it? And I broke down in front of my friends, and they never made fun of me, you know, we're men, with nothing wrong with fucking a good cry from time to time.

And these guys, like I grew up, we were by the book. And sometimes when we were alone in the car, they would ask, you know, how are you holding up you know and I would tell them the truth you know if it wasn't for you guys making me laugh I don't know what I would have done at that age if it wasn't for the intensive you know you hear the stories I tell from the age of 16 15 to 21 that this is what kept me from taking a fucking swan dive thank God that I had humor in my life and it's so weird that I ended up becoming a comedian because I didn't

know till just recently how much humor i was with timmy a couple weeks ago we went to the new york comedy club and timmy and i were talking telling stories about his brother and how much i owe his brother roger because growing up there was a point where yeah from 79 to maybe 80 or 80 and a half or 81 i was dealing with it in a druggy way You know, I was dealing with my mother's death in a drug-induced coma way between the acid and the cocaine and the fucking speed and the fucking drinks and, you know, when I met that group of guys, I always knew Roger. But when I started hanging out with Roger, when I moved up town, when the benders threw me out, I discovered another aspect of life, which was comedy, not stand-up comedy, not sketch comedy, living comedy. like I had become part of a living fucking sitcom hanging out with these guys

I'll give you an example when I went back home I went to dinner with one of my buddies and I was reminding him of a story we used to hang out of this place it used to be Tom and Corky's but the one guy couldn't take them on he sold it all to Corky

and he called it Gregory's seven-day weekend this started like in in 1982 83 It was called Gregory's Seven Day weekend. And it had the loudest jukebox in the tri-state area. You couldn't even think in there. You couldn't even fucking think in there. I saw beatings in there.

I saw things in there as a child. Like, we would be there from the age of 15, 14, and we would hang out next to it in a pizza parlor. And, you know, we saw them waking. Like, we'd be outside eating lunch at Nix, and also the door would open from the bar. bar would be closed but the door would open the owner would walk out with his shirt ripped with blood all over his shirt with a black eye with ice on his eye and he's like

it's a fucking crazy night last night we fought here until like seven the morning I mean it was just so as kids we couldn't wait to get in there and once we got in there we had become those guys that were crazy we threw ice at the bartender we did a bunch of shit but this is how the craziest part of my life was definitely after I quit high school till about April of 83 when I moved out to Boulder I moved out to Aspen the first time with Jimmy Berkel April 25th 1983 I left New Jersey I was fucking nuts but I tell you what else I was I was in a lot of fucking pain looking back at it I mean monumental amounts of pain I couldn't deal with it I was

living in my head from I mean I was lying to myself that that's that's when you know you have pain when you're fucking lying to yourself. I was lying. I was living a fucking lie. And every Sunday, we would go up to this fucking Gregory 7-day weekend. Every Sunday it was known that you went up to hang up. You started the week.

Fucked up. And sometimes you went in there on Sunday at 2 in the afternoon and just kept it going until Monday. And we would get fucked up. And this one Sunday night, I was like, you know what? I've had a long enough weekend. I'm not going down there tonight. I went out, but I didn't drink.

I didn't do Coke. I used to go out in those days and drink like Irish cream on the rocks. Like on the nights that I didn't drink, that's what I would drink. Bailey's Irish cream on the rocks. Yeah, that's no drinking. Bailey's don't do nothing to you except give you a fucking sugar headache the next day. And there's one night I leave all these animals up there. And the next morning I wake up, I look at the fucking answer machine, and it's blinking.

and it's my buddy Roger that my other friend had hit him with a fucking car before you know like when you point a car at somebody and you're like fucking around like beep beep get out of the way well my friend didn't move

and the car hit him he fell off the fucking thing he got up he went to take a swipe at my other friend and my friend put his arm up and he was skinny at the time so by blocking the punch he broke his arm oh my god you can't write this shit so my friend

friend with the broken arm went to the hospital and got treated and my other buddy went home but my buddy that broke his arm kept threatening him tell him he was going to sue him right like i'm going to sue you that sick cock sucker you know the business you have is going to become mine and the kid had a business and the middle of the issue was p and he kept saying you know that pee in your name that's going to stand for poor after i was true with you and all this shit i mean he was just tormenting this kid just as a matter of fact And the next day, my buddy, that night, in the middle of the night, like at five in the morning, my buddy who threw the punch, the doorbell rang. And he was my buddy with the broken arm on his hands and knees, begging him not to sue him

that his dad would shoot him and shit. And my buddy was never going to sue him. He was just saying that to him. The fuck, I'm going to sue you, cuck, sucker. I'm taking you for everything you got. He slammed the door on his face, and a kid called me up in 6th of the morning crying. I mean, this was classic shit. Like, you can't write this shit.

And then for the next two months We all hung out together With this kid with his arm in the cast And he would drink with us Even though they broke each other's arm one night When we went out And what happened to the guy who got hit by a car He's still around

He's a longshoreman Oh my God His name is Roger He's Timmy's brother Oh my God So we all kept it in the family Like it was a tremendous He went flying

But then see My buddy had a business And he would put cones in front of his business because you couldn't park in front of the business. And my friend Pelican would stay out all night and get fucked up. And while he was standing outside in front of his father and his mother, he would run over the cones. Just on, he didn't give a fuck.

Who was out there? My friend would run over the cones. This went on for years. Or he would beep at him. He'd beep at him. How you doing today? He would keep fucking driving. I had friends that took my mind off the pain.

That's the point I'm trying to tell you. that the pain couldn't live up to there. But at night, I still had to find the way to deal with it. That was the tricky area. And for years, that's what I went for, just to pass out drunk, pass out drunk, pass out drunk. I would wake up and then be vomit on my shirt. And that's why I stopped drinking.

That's why at the age of 19, I had to stop drinking when I moved to snowmast because I would drink until I was pass out drunk and puke all over myself. You know how many times I puked all over myself Till I was fucking 20, 21 a lot I puked on people I puked on people's clothes I puked in tons of cars Because I can't handle fucking alcohol But I would keep subjecting my body to it

I think I'm allergic to alcohol That is why I do not fucking drink It's because what I did to myself Because the pain would make me have to pass out drunk So it gets to a point where you stop doing the cocaine And the alcohol conquers you You could do cocaine all fucking night, but at one point it's going to run out. And then all of a sudden, all that alcohol you drank is going to catch up with it and you pass out.

So when you're drinking, if you're snorting coke with it, the alcohol is kept to a minimum. Like, you can't believe you're drinking what you're drinking. That's what I've heard that sober is you love. You can't fucking believe what you're drinking. You can't believe the numbers of beers that you're drinking. And then you go, wait a second, you stop doing coke. The Coke ends, and all of a sudden, that beer shows up like a ton of fucking bricks. Fuck.

And you just wake up, you know, eight hours later with a fucking tremendous headache, because now you're processing that alcohol. And that was your plan every night. That was my plan, to pass out trunk. Looking back at it, do you wish you had talked to somebody, or do you wish you'd gone to a priest or just someone to work it out? Two things, two frames of thought that. A, I thought what I had, a priest couldn't help me or a psychiatrist couldn't help me. This is what I thought.

I didn't think that there was no way that you could help me. At that age, being that young, I did not know. And then once I found the way to deal with that, I got married, divorced, and I lost my daughter. and that strung up all that fucking pain plus you know plus fucking uh guilt plus all that shit you know from from 95

to maybe 2003 I was living in a pure hell that I had put myself in of anger pain over my daughter pain over my mother it was all mixed in like a hurricane so when I tell these stories about doing blow This is what fueled it. This is what was.

It took me about to two, took me about to the age of 40 guys. To realize how to put the pieces together. What I'm saying by putting pieces together is taking the pain, putting it aside so I can move forward. You know, that thing with my ex-wife and my daughter, I had come to the conclusion

that I was in a loser in 95. Unless you're a retard and you don't see things, you know. Yesterday I went to a park with my daughter or Saturday, and I'm at the park, and there's a guy doing jumping jacks by the fucking kids' playground and push-ups and jumping rope. After he got on the monkey bars, I eventually had to say something to him. This is a kid's park. This isn't a fucking exercise park.

The parents, you know, he was something from a different country. He wasn't American, and he had a ton of fucking cologne on. It's that cologne on top of sweat. Yeah. And he's fucking sitting there and I'm like, hey man, I don't mean to be rude. You can't. There's a whole park here. You can't be doing these exercise.

He hit a girl with a jump rope. Oh, Jesus. And I had to fucking say something to him as a man. You know, he looked at me like I had three fucking Hedley. And I walked away from him. But he just did not know. If that answers your question, when I was going through all that shit early on in my life, I didn't know that there was options.

I just dealt with it. I don't think anybody would understand. And listen, I just contacted an old friend of mine maybe a year ago. He was the therapist from the halfway house. Okay. And when I, he was a friend. He had become a friend to me because I was dear friend with his brother in the car business. So he was a psychiatrist that kind of just.

signed the paperwork for me you know what I'm saying like he knew I had problems but then after I got separated after I got divorced we got into a few arguments on the street so part of my thing was to go see a therapist and I paid him basically to just sign the paperwork for me and I wouldn't have to go it was like a you bought like a chunk of 10 visits right and that's what I would do but then I started going to him and I was angry you know him and I we used to go to lunch afterward and we he would say you have to figure out how to work out this anger well it is kind of crazy because how old were you when you got divorced I was 28 so you had basically just started dealing with your mom's thing I had just

started dealing with my mom's thing I had just started dealing with my mom's thing I I had just started basically dealing with life. I had just come out of fucking being in the joint. I was learning how to deal with life on life's terms, but I couldn't because I had all this pain swirling around me. And then I get separated and I get into comedy. Part of the reason why I forced the hand in comedy was to take my mind off what was going on. You know, part of the reason why I love comedy so much is because it really, really did save my life.

And for some people, I might not be comedy. It just might be drawing or sketching or building fucking fireplaces, you know. Something else, you have to find what brought me that genuine happiness of doing not even for the money. And I didn't know about these things, guys. Don't think that I knew about these things before I got it. I didn't know that county was going to take off in my life the way it did. I was a type of guy.

I wouldn't bend over for a piece of paper if I didn't get paid for it. Do you know what I'm saying? I was that type of a low life. If you're not paying me for it, I ain't going to bend the... There was nothing I enjoyed doing that I didn't want to get paid for. The only thing I enjoyed doing was snort and coke and drinking and smoking pot. So what was it about comedy? Was it making people laugh?

Was it making, like, you doing something that worked? Like, what about it was the thing that made you happy? That I was finally working towards something that I could see the payoff. I didn't see the payoff by going to work. for you at a bar and learning to be a bartender. I never saw the payoff of me going to be your slave

for an apprenticeship for four years where you give me no fucking money at all and you make money because you're billing for me. I wanted to go into there was something yearning inside of me. Some people call it the spirit of entrepreneurism. I call it suck my dick.

I call it taking control of your life. Everybody wants to be an entrepreneur. You could suck my dick. I'm talking about I got on stage and on the drive home, I realized that this is what I wanted to do. I had watched enough of it. I had, at that point, you know, I was a fan. I wasn't as fan as a lot of you guys are.

I take my hats off for you. You go see Theo, you go see Joey, you go see Bert, you go see fucking Segura. You guys are real comedy fans. I wasn't a fan like that still. I still had my criminal life. And, you know, I go to a comedy show and I look at your wife's purse. You think I'm going to sit there? That purse is going.

That purse is gone, gone. It's out of the park. So I never put myself in those situations. But what was it about comedy? It filled that void. It made me feel like I could do something. I thought I could do something when I bartendered. I didn't want to give drunks fucking drinks.

Once you realize what you're doing as a barter, you're just giving drunks more fucking drinks. Right. You know, I didn't even like alcohol. I didn't like alcohol. I didn't like being around it. Why was I a bartender? I did the plumbing.

I did the construction. I did the drywall. I did the fucking... The laborer. I did everything I could. And nothing filled that void. The comedy filled voids that were imaginable to me. Like, I thought I would never fucking fill.

You know, it made me stick to something. Nothing. I was 30, something like that. 30 years old, 31 years old. And I couldn't stick to anything, guys. anything because of the fucking pain had taken like nothing I couldn't focus you know I would focus for two days yeah this thing they know I would take a warehouse job and then after three days I go there's gotta be something else there's got to be

something else and when I got involved with the comedy don't get me wrong at first listen man I was really angry at my ex-wife and my daughter and all that I'm not angry anymore they did me a favor they gave me me the gift of having a life they let me by me trying to become a comic to appease because see i i became a comic to just get through but there was a little part of me that hoped that i could do something with my life so i could go back and win her love over but you know what ended up happening i didn't get her love and i won my love over i won the respect of myself for myself so in the process of looking for something else, I found something else that was more than I could even

forever fucking imagine because I never had that for myself. Here I was getting on buses, booking gigs. Was I becoming rich? Not even close, but I was doing it all myself. For years, I was waiting for this guy to discover me and this guy to fucking give me a job, making $80,000 a year. It wasn't like that no more. I come to the conclusion. that nobody was going to do anything for me unless I did it myself. That's it. This is bullshit.

You always hear these stories of you met a guy and he got you a job driving a truck for $80,000 a year and this is why you're read. I never, I got sick of that story because for years I never depended on myself. I didn't have any value on myself.

I didn't think I could put anything together. So when I got into jail and I figured out once I got to jail and I was doing that bookmaking thing in jail, even by doing something negative, I figured out that that was good. You know, when I started saying, and maybe I'm over exaggerating it,

I started feeling good about myself when I started selling cars. There was a little spark in my eyes. Right. And I'm glad you brought that up. Because it's the cars thing and the comedy, I think, are a little bit different because comedy takes a lot

longer. It made you feel good, but was it hard to stick with it for almost 30 years? Because cars, you could sell a car your first day. The toughest realm of comedy is the first 10 years. Once you hit 10 years and you come to me and you go, nothing's happened. I think I'm going to quit. That's when I have to beat you up and go, you already went through the fucking shitstorm. You went through a boot camp.

For some people, boot camp is five years. For some people boot camp is eight years. And for some people boot camp is two years. But some people boot camp is six months. For some people, it's 10 fucking years. But once you do 10 years or something, you've put, whether you put 10 years into something or four. Once you put four years into something,

that means that if you live to 40, you did something for 10% of your life. You know, so once you do something for four years, I don't want you to quit. Like, you already. went through the toughest toughest fucking windstorm you went through getting on stage

you went through getting material you went to getting your feelings hurt for people not putting you up when they're going to put you up for people saying they get there to do a podcast and when you get there they're not there for people to shit on you and tell you they were going to pay you 50 bucks and they really gave you 10 for people who took you on a gig

and left you there because they met a chick you've already been exposed to so many fucking negatives you can't quit now you've already slept in a car for a year you've already fucking been broke what's the difference you're not going for money you're going for happiness and then the money will come and if

comedy was I ain't mad at nobody who gets into stand-up and says to me hey man at the eight-year mark I figured out that doing stand-up wasn't for me but I wrote a book and now they're a fucking author because taking that path opened up another path Like what I said to you about comedy. When I got into comedy, I got the comedy to do something and to come back and win the love of my daughter. But in the meantime, I missed all that.

I lost that right to get the love of my daughter. But I got something more powerful than the love of my daughter. I got the ability to love me. I started loving me for who I was. Wow. And even though I was still doing blow and I still had a lot of problems, it took a while. It took a while for me to start loving me more. more and more and then I got all up to 418 pounds I really wasn't loving myself then

and I was doing coke and I made a mental plan that if I get off the coke everything else will follow and I started with the coke and then I you know three years later I went to weight watches and here we are and I'm 160 pounds lighter you know and it all started with that first little move it all it took and I listen it took 10 fucking years but what do you want to from me. I don't care how long it takes. All I care about is that you're on your journey. I stayed on that journey. Yeah, you're going to have bad weeks. You're going to have bad weeks in this life, whether it's comedy, carpentry, banking, selling insurance, you're going to have bad weeks and good. I just want you to love what the fuck you do before you worry about

the money. And once you love what you genuinely do, that pain you have, from your childhood, all that bullshit that you keep. You know why I don't like psychiatry, Lee? No. I'm going to tell you why. Yeah. Because you keep picking at the scab. I don't want you to keep picking at the scab.

I want you to put it in front of you, deal with it, and let's move on to the next fucking hurdle. I don't want to go. So tell me about your father. Well, when I was eight, my father smoked pot outside my window. How did you feel about that? you didn't give a fuck you were too busy eating Oreos and building

a model or playing a fucking video game but now because I put you on the spot you're going to have to say well I felt this respect you didn't feel anything you thought your father was fucking crazy I thought my mother the first time I smoked pot I was embarrassed from my mother first time I realized my mother smoked pot I was

embarrassed for like what the but then it's your mother you accept it and you shouldn't feel anything do you feel that yeah that's what I didn't like about therapy I had gone. Like I said, I was forced into therapy by the halfway house, and I went to a rehab, a non-residential rehab when I gave my hot UA. I didn't like how they would pick my scabs when there was no scabs there. We're just opening up a wound. We're just opening up. It's like

if I went to the doctor tomorrow and he opened up my shoulder and stuck his hand on there. There's no bumps on it. You feel a bump? No. And why are you opening the fucking thing up? Do you think if you opened up a wound to try to fix it, do you think that would help? I mean, it's not for everybody. Okay, so let's say the fucking plumbing is working. Let's say one day your plumbing is a little fucked up. And you fix it.

And after it's fixing it's working for 10 years, one day you open up that fucking wall and go in there again just to see. If something's working, let's not refix it. Let's not visit it. You know, traumatizing times in my life that I could break down in front of a thing when I saw my neighbor beat up his wife. Traumatizing times in my life when I found my mother on the floor. You know, I saw my stepdad shooter guy in 148th Street.

I buried a kid in the eighth grade. I buried another day, dear friend when I was a sophomore. I buried another guy when I was, you know, something, you know. They've all taken pieces of chunks of me, you know, Ralphie last year. You deal with it and you put it away. Like I said, I haven't come to grips with Ralphie yet, I don't think. I really don't think so, you know. The other day I saw a picture of Darren Rago that Danny Bionculo put up.

It was his birthday. I cried. That kid used to drive me to comedy shows in the beginning and take care of me and give me lines of Coke and fucking make sure I got to the gig in time. All these things, I can go to a therapist and open up that scab. I can go to a therapist tomorrow and go, I want to talk about Darren Rago, give a buck 40 a week for a year and I can tell Darren Rago stories even though I've come to terms with Darren Rago there's nothing I could do to bring him back we were dear dear friends he

knew I fucking loved him he knew I loved him and he knew I was grateful if he's watching all of me right now he knows I'm grateful what he did for me I made I turned it into something his investment became something so I'm at peace with Darren Rago you know I'm at peace with my mother She wanted me to become a man What does that do? To fuck 20 chicks? No, to love my wife To have a daughter, to respect my friends

To get up in the morning To fucking treat people with respect And be kind and help people out When they're in a mess, you know Your buddy came down last night Eric who I loved dearly You know, you and Eric never asked me For a spot at the comedy store

I call you and give it to you, right? Absolutely. That's part of the comedy karma. That's part of life's karma. I can't take care of you every week, but I give you hope. That's what comedy is. Comedy life is, listen, just when you're down on comedy, you've got to spot the original room.

I do that for you every three weeks because I want, no matter how bad shitty, and even if you're going on that bomb, it doesn't matter. Who gets to go to the original room on a Monday night? Not too many fucking people. I don't do that because I'm being a nice guy. I could, you know, I could do that.

I've never said this to you in front of people, that I could do, you know, what we do at the Comedy Store, but every couple weeks I call for you, and then a week later I call for Eric. And that's to give you the same opportunities that were given to me. Not at the Comedy Store, but by a guy named Jimmy Abeda in Denver.

When I was stuck doing shitty fucking open mics, I didn't have to pay for them in those days. But when I was to get stuck going to fucking poetry nights and going to karaoke's and going to the Boulder theater and bombing, I would always get a breath of fresh air from Jimmy and Bader and Andy Payton. And I never, ever, ever forgot them.

Never, ever. When I do Denver, I think I'm going to call Jimmy. I haven't told him, yeah, I want to surprise him because I never forgot what he did for me. He didn't make me a star. He didn't make me money. He gave me an opportunity to feel good about myself every couple of weeks.

He would throw me. He's the one that got me on the Mencier tour with HBO. He's the one that got me. me, you know, these 20-minute spots when I really had eight minutes, he would fight for me to do 20 and stamp this. Stick it out. What do you think it is about comics that they forget about that? Because we were talking with Cigura the other day about Sam Tripoli. And right after the podcast, he hit me up and he gave me a spot later this month. What were they saying? There's a lot of people who, like I was in Vegas and there was a show that I could have got on

and the guy knew me, but I'm not really a draw yet, and there's nothing I can really do for him, so he didn't put me on. And it's like, why do some people only help out people who can help them and other people remember what it's like, and they help out everybody? Because some people actually forget. They forget themselves.

They forget who they are. They forget what they've become. I know that I was blessed. I was, you know, some fucking jerk off made a remark at me a couple days ago about you're just really lucky that you met Rogan. Again, some fucking jerk off that doesn't know anything about the work process or what it goes into even being a human being. You know, that's how I look at it. He doesn't even have an idea what it is to be a fucking human being. And I said to him, you know, it wasn't Rogan that presented the opportunities.

It was the 28 years I stuck with it. You know, Rogan came into my life when I was doing comedy nine years already. I was already convinced I was doing this. Rogan put me on as a feature. I failed him. And it took me two years to get back into the rotation. And then we never stopped. He was very good to Ari.

He was very good to Duncan. And I speak to those guys all the time. And we've never forgotten about what Rogan did to us. But we also did something that a lot of people don't do. We did our own thing. God do your own thing. God do your own thing. Because once I feel you're imposing on me,

that's what comics don't like when you start calling them up and going hey you're going to be a mini app, don't call me don't call me I'm always amazing when people have the balls If I think you're right for the gig, I'll call you I know who's right for this gig I've been doing it for fucking 28 years

I know who's right for this gig once you call me you lose me Once you call me you lose me I know who's right for this gig I've been doing it for a long time I know the audience and I want to brighten somebody's day the same way it was brightened for me

You know, your friend came up to me, sadly, at the store, very happy Chelsea. Oh, yeah. Skidmore. I see Chelsea's fucking working. I see Chelsea's making a move. I see she's doing videos. She's doing podcast. You know, you know who's faking the funk.

You know, we had a friend that came out here that wanted the world giving at him. And when it wasn't given at him, he disappeared. He ain't getting on stage no more. That's how I knew I was correct, because he didn't love this. He wanted somebody to hand him this. You know, the kid that I had a block on Facebook the other day, I had to block him because every time he hits me up, it's always for something.

It's always a backhanded remark. It's always guilt. You know, I need, I mean, this kid's telling me how he needs $10,000 to move to San Diego. What's it got to do with me? Right. That he makes this, that he lives here. Why is Roe? He asked me nine questions in a row that I couldn't give him an answer to

because I don't get that involved with Rogan. And that's why Rogan and I are friends because they've kept it light over the years. But to get back to your question, you can never forget what those first 10 years of your comedy life were like. You have to, I'm not saying hand somebody to golden keys to the palace, but you got to be there for the younger guys. Be there for them. Sometimes just being there, shaking their hand, hugging them is enough for somebody, you know. And it's hard to, like, to be honest, I see, like, I know there's the show. that you guys do with Tripoli at the store in the main room.

I've been very lucky that I've been able to do some shows in the main room. I know in my head that I'm not ready. And I'm obviously not at the level to be on those shows. What I like to be, I would love to. I look at those posters. I'm like, God, I can't wait time on those posters. You're never going to know you bench 350 pounds if you don't try it. Right.

No, Tripoli doesn't give you those spots to make your start. Trippley gets you those spots and do the same thing I do. to give you an experience. We know that 9% of 10% you're going to bomb. Right. If you do well, it's in your favor. But we know. We just want to let you...

I get very impressed at those guys. Dean Delray offered you work. Yeah. I've seen the people that offered you work as the same people I've offered work to. So you create this little family and this constant flow. And that's just the way it is.

If that's not the way it is in your life, then you can't... This isn't for you. You know? I don't have... I have 20 friends of the comics that really work hard, that really need to work. That's who I throw a work at. Regardless of what you might do it or what you might think you're doing, I see that you're spinning your wheels.

I know who's really waking up in the morning. I know who's fucking thinking about this. And you can't give them the keys to the castle, but you could take them there and show them what's in there through the bars. That's what I've tried to do with you and with Eric. And look at Dean Dowery. Me and Dean started fucking around three years ago. Look at where he's come. Look at Kate Quigley where she's come.

Because I understand what people need as a pull, you know. And they're doing it on themselves. I'm not doing shit for them. Right. I'm not doing anything for them at all. They've done it for themselves. I took him to Green Bay knowing that he was in a kick-ass, Dean, and they would re-book them. And that's exactly what happened.

That's exactly what happened. They re-booked them. He's coming back in February up in Milwaukee. Okay. I know. I know what level you're up to. I know what you can handle. I know what you've been in front of.

And, like, for the people who say, like, for the Rogan thing, there's been plenty of people who have been on Rogan and haven't had their career explore. No. No. Is there even possible to be around? It's the door, if the door is open for you, it's what you're going to do with that door being open. That's it. It's like doing the HBO. It's like having an HBO special.

It's like being put on the Tonight Show in the fucking 90s. You did great on the show. It's what you're going to do with it. When I've gone on Rogan, I've always expressed my feelings from the heart. I've never fucking, you know, I tell her how it is on Rogan. I didn't expect this shit to happen. But it's not only the stuff I did on Rogan. It's the stuff I did on Segoor.

It's the stuff I did on Dunkins. It's the stuff I did when I had Felicia. It's the stuff I did with you. It's the movies I did. It's the radio shows. did it's the podcast I did it's the TV shows I did and finally all that threads together that all threads together all that shit that you didn't think you did years ago actually starts to become something it becomes part of a fucking thread and you go oh so when I did that show in 98

that's how I read it all becomes a thread there's an expression that everything is everything it really fucking is at the end of the day It really fucking is. Everything we do matters for that final funnel. It's like a funnel, and we just go around. We just keep pouring shit in there. We're just making the right fucking chemicals. Right.

So. And do you think it's also hard because, like, let's say you wanted to just give me the key or whatever it is, when you're the way you did it, maybe not work for me? It won't work for you. I know for a fact it won't work for you. That's pretty crazy. I can't give you, I can't take you on the road. I can't because it's not going to work with you.

You're going to forget about the work that you need to be done at eight years from now. You're going to fall back on that. You're going to have to go do that work. So you might as well do it now and get it over with. And you know, you know, and I know. I know when you're suffering, you'll have that look on your face that Ralphie had, that I had, that Ricky Cruz had,

that, you know, Sebastian Manascoco had, that Steve Runners Easy had, that Ari had. there's a certain look on your face that looks like you're gonna fucking vomit but I see that look on your face for a year straight and then you move forward that's when you know that you're ready there's a point where you're you know Steve Simone was going through recently Dean Delray went through it recently there's a point where there's a sticking point you're a featuring and you're a good feature and you don't know how to get to the next level this is levels and this is time you know

and this it's like anything else it took me 20 fucking years to acknowledge my mother's death and put a spin on it so I could deal so you could deal so you didn't have to do that line of coke so you didn't have to do that fucking pill you have to it it takes time to get something control it and then give it a story so it makes it digest into your system a lot easier and you never never never worry about it again and that's the Wednesday day motherfucking morning podcast. I like it. Just a little pain.

If you had a rough Mother's Day, listen, my heart goes out to you. I've been down that road with you. I saw you put it down on Facebook, and this is what inspired this podcast today. Pain is there forever. Don't let it fucking dictate you. Handle it, draw from it, and execute from it, and you're going to be fucking fine the same way I was. Today I'm fine.

I could, I love to. to tell you that, you know, I cry, none. You learn how to control everything at your fucking speed, not at your, whatever or whatever anybody else thinks. Everybody has a certain way of dealing with things. As long as you don't kill yourself, drink yourself to death or pill yourself to death,

I'm okay with what path you choose. I really am. As long as it doesn't affect none of those things, I don't care if you're right of that, I don't care if you fucking send smoke signals to the fucking Indians. However, whatever it takes for you to handle there's a charno pain of a lost one,

whether it's a dad or a mom. You know, my heart goes out to crystal. My heart goes out to Bob Linguish. My heart goes out to just so many people that have been in the church family that have lost loved ones the last couple of years. My heart goes out to you. And this podcast is dedicated to you guys.

Learn to control it. It's going to be there for a long time. And just learn how it's with you. I finally came to the conclusion that my mother stands with me. my mother's on my right and my father's on my left and that's why I made it

to where I am today because I have this fucking angel and all I ever pray for is that they will watch after my daughter or something happens to me so my daughter could end up on the same path of happiness that I ended up in

and that's it you bad motherfuckers do not forget June 7th I'm at the Fillmore fucking theater in New Orleans oh shit and then on the 8th at the tabernack

theater in Atlanta. I'm taking my boy Steve Simone down there. We're going to be eating some fucking everything in fucking New Orleans. Whatever you got. We're fucking eating cock suckers. So go right now to joey deers.com. Look at the schedule and get your fuck. Dot net and get your tickets.com.com.com. Who gives a fuck? Just get your fucking tickets. I'll see you when I fucking see you. Before we go, I want to talk to you people about something. Number one, one of my all-time sponsors on it. They've been there since day one with me. selling supplements believing in me and I believe in them.

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They treat the problem, and they do it at a cost that you could afford. You're like, Joey, What's for him? Well, let me give you the facts, all right? For him, this is a wellness brand for men. They offer access to physician consultation and prescription treatments online for common issues that men deal with like hair laws, stuff like that, whatever. You know, the fact is it's not unusual up to 39% of men experience that the fun is ending too quickly.

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Now, with Four Hems, when you visit For Hems.com, you get a convenient and affordable treatment for your early arrivals. They connect you to a doctor online who could evaluate you and help identify the right treatment for you. Best yet, it can be delivered right to your door in a discrete package, not even your wife or your girlfriend, no.

This means no more awkward in-person doctor appointments. So if you want to slow down your role and make the good times last, go to forehems.com. They also help you with hair laws. They also help you with erections. If you have a men problem, Four Hymns can help you, okay?

If right now, special time only, Four Hymns is offering you, the church family is special offer. You can get started on Four Hems for just $10. Show you, what are you talking about? $10.10. I'll get you started on fourhams.com right now. Just go to fourhams.com slash cocoa.

That's fourhams.com and slash cocoa. I'm going to save your money, time, aggravation, face, and you're going to be so happy that I, that I steered you to forhims.com. You're probably going to send me a Twitter and go, Joey, you're a fucking genius. Yes, I am, because Fourhams has the solution to your problems, whether it's hair loss, dysfunctional, penis, or you're coming too quick. They can help you out right now.

Just go to Forhems.com slash Coco to get started. That's Four H-I-M-S-com. Slash-Coco. See website for full details and safety information. Listen, I want to wish you a good fucking weekend. Have a great time. I want to thank four hymns. I want to thank Audit.

But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for being the church family and for listening to us and for supporting us. I want to thank the Flying Jew, aka the Christ Killer. And I want to just rewish you all the Happy Mother's Day to your mothers. And if you feel bad, because it may take a few days to fucking understand what's going on. I love you guys. I'll see you tip-top McGoo next Monday morning, the fucking Twitter. ready to fucking rock. Take this fucking Mulee.

Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb? Do you think they'll like the song? Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls? Mother should I run for president? Mother's going to keep you right here. I'll go.