The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #687 - Jim Florentine

Episode Date: May 27, 2019

Jim Florentine, comedian, host of the "Comedy Metal Midgets" podcast and actor heard on "Crank Yankers" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    

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It's Monday. Memorial Day. Break out the flags and the fucking hot. Dogs, your ass is going to stink for four fucking days. I got my man Jimmy Florentine. I got the Christ Killer. And your Uncle Joey's here on a Monday morning. Delivering the fucking goods. Oh shit.

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here with my main Jersey native. Fuck, Bruce Springsteen. I got Jimmy Florentine. Mother fuck how are exactly you know if you're a true Jersey guy you didn't like Springsteen No if you were a metal guy he was you know you didn't like him fuck Springsteen and shit I liked them Yeah later on you'd learn to appreciate him but I got older but growing up there people drove you crazy like they would you know they would just drive you crazy with that same shit

Springsteen I got tortured as a kid because of my musical taste and I always got trumped Because I always suddenly pulled out the beetle card or the Springsteen car or the Springsteen car Yeah. And then when John Lennon got died, when he got shot, I was so fucking happy for two days. Because I didn't have to hear those scumbags no more with the same old. Because you couldn't say nothing.

I went to see AZDC last night. Fucking great show. Yeah, but they're not better than the Beatles. And you heard that shit growing up. That was my beginnings of music. From like 74 to John Lennon got shot in 79 or 80, that's all you heard growing up. Yeah, but they're not good as the Beatles.

And you couldn't argue with him. They would trump you had nowhere to go. You had a beetle, and then if New Jersey was all about Springsteen, it's like, I had a friend that I was friends with his first grade. He was a big metal head, and he met this really hot chick, and he started dating there. And he ate at Springsteen too, and he went to see Springsteen with her. I didn't talk to him for six months. People didn't talk to him. I didn't talk to him.

People didn't talk to him. Yeah. I'm like, how could you betray us? We'd say, we'd call the cops on you. We'd sell you an ounce of Coke, them put the cops on you and shit. And then when you call, we put Bruce Springsteen on. Have Bruce Bell, yeah. You like Bruce.

They're born to run. Start running. You're fucked. I got bumper stickers made up. There is no reason for Bruce Springsteen. And the boss is a total loss. And I used to put them on people's bumper. I'd cruise parking lots.

And if I saw someone of Bruce Springsteen bumper sticker, I'd put that over it on their car. I was out of my mind. I'd put them on every sign. I'd be driving around. Put them on signs. Put them everywhere. I got like 500 of them made. And I'm thinking to this day, I'm like, why did I do that?

For what reason? Why do you think music has such, like, a emotional? He's just a guy singing like why you guys hate him like you guys like actively like it sounds like oh I just don't like him You don't understand that hated a couple people They just didn't have to be musically right I'll tell you the first person I had more hatred than life for Richard gear like I had a personal vendetta against Richard gear because I was starting to get into the groove You're starting to hit on girls and shit you like women and every woman was in love with rich of gear when I was starting to sprout every woman and then he fucking came out in American jiggle and showed his ass yeah and that was

the end. You couldn't compete with that ass. So I was like, I'm going to stab Richard fucking gear. And when I saw him in the city, I was all coked up and I was giving him the evil eye. And my friend's like, let it go. I'm like, this motherfucker I fucked relationships up all over the world because

women think they're actually going to get Richard gear. I'm lying to you. The first guy that was going to go down was Donnie Osmond. I was going to shoot Donnie Osmond. When I was 12, he's the first one that fucked my game up. And then he disappeared for a while, so fuck him. And then Richard Gear showed up and I was gonna beat him the fuck up.

But then I saw office and a gentleman that was pretty good and I said I'll give him a pass. Yeah. And by 85 I was okay with Richard Gear. Well, for four or five years, that was gonna fuck Richard Gear up. If you're listening to Richard Gear, you're lucky. You're no idea. You would have never made pretty woman, cock's second. Yeah, I don't know.

You just had this hatred, man. If you were in the hard rock and heavy metal, you were against everything else. Because, you know, so you just, like, too bad. anybody that liked any kind of rock music because you hung out with a different crowd at school if you came in an ACDC shirt you hung out with the burnouts and the guys that smoked cigarettes and hung and then the other

jocks or whatever didn't like you and looked down at you like fuck you and if they wore a Springsteen shirt like you hated him even more so does it annoy you now that if they play like both of the like ACDC and Springsteen on like a classic rock station together like this isn't the same thing no I don't mind it you know like I said as we get older me and Joey just like all right you know he's got some

songs I don't know what was wrong with me then okay come down it's really crazy a couple weeks ago I went back to Jersey and I brought back these strong edibles and I went out with my brother and I gave him a hundred milligram I kept telling them there were 50s but I left the 50s at the house so now I was stuck for the fucking thing so he goes did you bring it I gave it to him and he got fucked up and I told Lee and Lee goes now he's gonna get high and eat domino's pizza You can't eat Domino's Pizza if you're from my neighborhood. It just isn't allowed. I get that.

You wouldn't even be, you just would be ostracized. Do they even have one in your neighborhood? I don't even know. Probably, but yeah, if you're 20 years old. You would not be talking to. Right. If you're 20. That's that serious.

That makes sense to me back then. We hold our fucking values. And that's what a lot of people don't understand. A lot of people don't understand. don't get. It's not just one time. It's a belief. It's a belief. It's like yesterday, or two days ago, Thursday, my buddy posted on Facebook, and I said, I missed you at Romas. My friends still go to Roma's pizza after 40 years, and they wouldn't go anywhere else. And I asked Charlie from Romas, I go, who still comes in? He goes, everybody. Even though they live in all parts of Jersey,

they stopped there once a week to get a slice. That's the loyalty you have, and they don't eat pizza anywhere else. Anywhere else. That's crazy. You know, I went back to Roma, and I refused to eat pizza here. Since I've gone back to Roma,

since I've been back to Jersey, my daughter goes to that pizza parlor. I can't eat. Last week I went out of meatball sandwich. I don't know why. Like, I'm done. Like, my friends would just would not do anything like that. like they would not listen to fucking music

that wasn't authorized. Like that's not even in their fucking brain. Like, it's not even in their brain. I don't know how many parties I went to. It wasn't authorized? I don't know how many parties I went to and I saw John Crowley just break a Bruce Springsteen out. Just break it.

Just throw it out of the fucking guys. Like, if it was plain, he would just go up and throw it because you knew. Like, if you invited these people over, they weren't going to tolerate that. It's just a way that's just the way it is I was doing construction at the time And if Springsteen song came on the radio

We're putting a roof up or whatever And as soon as that rate as Springsteen song came on I would fucking jump off the roof to shut that off That's how crazy it was I would run if I was in the middle Putting a piece of sheet rock up I'd fucking stop everything And run to shut that off That's wild

It was crazy how we boycotted things I still have a personal boycott Like I personally boycott things and I don't say dick like Tom Hanks I boycotted Tom Hanks for crying on the Oscars when he won Philadelphia really like I didn't watch another

one of his movies took me 10 years I personally banned Tom Hanks from my life and that's what you have to do sometime like that's the fucking I don't know why I just get mad sometimes and go that's it it's over

and I just won't do it no more like I couldn't believe I got, when I went back for this movie, and I tell you this with pain in my heart, I tell you this with pain in my heart, because this is how stoic and old school I am. When I went back to New York, the first place I went to was 3.30, 40, 2nd Street

to get wardrobe done. Think of the address, I'm telling you. 3.30. 40. So you're all the way out by, like. No, I was a block away from 8th Avenue. Right. So after I got wardrobe, I went out.

I go, what am I going to do with? my time and I looked up and I went for a walk and I walked down 42nd Street and I made it left and I walked up and if you walk two or three blocks up there's an olive garden there and it caught my eye and I'm not ashamed to tell you I stood there for 20 minutes wishing debt on every tourist that walked in there because I don't know I really I really cannot comprehend like that's how stupid I am but I cannot comprehend how a person goes to me New York and goes to a fucking olive. Yeah. I do not understand that. It's amazing. Yeah, and there's a Chevy's across the street from it. There's a Chevy's across the street from it.

Yeah. I do not understand how I could go to Long Island and get on an elevator with a kid with a domino's box and this parent right next to him. I can't tell you how much I had a hold back and beating up the parent for letting the kid eat a domino's when he's in the fucking capital of pizza. Like you're in the capital of pizza. like I can't even comprehend that type of shit. Yeah.

Like even if you're not hungry for a pizza, you got to eat a pizza out of respect for being there. Even though it sounds, I mean, it sounds a little silly when you think about it, does this sort of like strictness help you guys in your life? It's not. In your life, this is what it is. Even though Domino's is a silly thing.

It's the discipline. That's where it starts. It's that discipline of little things. It's the little things that get you to the bigger commitments. So if you start, another dumb thing. There was a club named quintessence when I was growing up. There was a bar named quintessence in the Ridgefield on the way up. It was sort of like a disco. Right. I went to that parking lot one time and in the parking lot we were snow and coke. And I told the driver was like four guerrillas in the car and two guerrillas had to go into

pick up chicks. And there was something about the front of that place that I did not like. I did not like the doorman. I didn't like how girls were acting when they were walking in. And I told the driver, well, let's get the fuck out of here. The kid who was driving and for a year I boycotted quintessence. It was my little power play. When people

would come to me and go, you're going to quintessence tonight? I would go, no. And they would drop the look on their face. It would be priceless. And I did it on purpose to show people you don't have to go to that dump. We're Joe and Mary's type of motherfuckers. We're from a neighborhood.

bar we don't go to those points like at one age I decided that I didn't want to go to clubs no more rock clubs I like like the bubble factory what's the one of so factory so factory yeah yeah the soap factory I kind of dug but there was a lot of shitheads in there too yeah but I went to see a couple bands in there not bad I walked out a twisted sister there and I saw Aerosmith there you do know Aerosmith played there yeah because I know they played yeah at the end they play like the found casino in Jersey on that same run I saw them there they were all five all fucked up but I used to go like I made it a point not to go to quintessence

ladies night whatever and people lose their mind until this day people look at me and go that's right you never want the quintessence like I just refused to go to quintessons do you ever tell any of these people like I got your band bam you're banned from from my life like I'm not gonna go to your bar no I just made a decision I just make a decision one day that I'm not fucking doing that shit I'm I don't want to be like everybody else and do that shit. And I just don't do it. Smart.

Why be like everybody? Why live your life and be like everybody else? Yeah. Why live your life and have an earring and the goatee and the cap and trying to be cool? You know what I'm saying? Like, I hate all that shit. Do you think those people actually think they look good? Like the people who dress like that?

No, they think they fit in. They look crazy. I never really wanted to fit in. If you grew up and listen to hard rock and heavy metal, you were not trying to fit in. You were not trying to fit in. Absolutely. To this day, if you like that music, you're not trying to fit in.

I mean, I guess that's good though. Yeah, I never wanted to really be in. I always thought I wanted to be in, but I knew I wasn't like regular. Like I didn't, when I was a kid and everybody, all the kids in school was say, oh, sign out wide, I would look at them and go, I don't know what the fuck you're laughing about.

Like it never made me laugh once. Yeah. So I knew there was something wrong with me already. Yeah, and they growing up any popular show. I remember when friends was popular or whatever. I wouldn't watch one second of it. I'm like, I wouldn't watch it.

They're like, Joe, we got a new haircut. I'm like, who? I wouldn't watch it. Everybody was talking about. I'm like, I'll never, I will never watch that ever. You just don't. No, I'm the same way. I didn't watch Game of Thrones.

Everyone goes crazy for it. Even Star Wars. Everyone was talking about Star Wars. I never saw one second. E.T. I never watched it. I never watched it yet. I don't like nothing space related.

Same with me. Nothing space related. Same with me. Once I see a Mars. you lost me right I maybe I watched a couple of like lost in space as a little kid I watched a little kid I watched I like lost in space as a kid but I didn't watch Star Trek that didn't either I refused to watch fucking Star Trek as soon as it came on Batman rolled boom all of Star Trek I refused to watch all those fucking

shows yeah same here it just refused as comics though do you ever feel like you need to watch any of these things or listen just to be able to reference them or you just talk about other things no If you're a real comic, I don't know why you're watching anything from 8 to 10 anyway. That's all, yeah. If you're a real comedian, before DVD-Ring and binge-watching, I didn't watch TV on legit. First of all, I didn't watch TV probably from 86 to when I went to prison. That's when I started watching on Sundays.

We'd watch America's Most Wanted in prison and married with children. That was it. That was it. watch TV on Sunday nights and then once I started comedy I didn't watch TV till I moved to LA and I started auditioning for TV shows and that forced me to watch those shows TV was out of my life when I got it when I first got into comedy I sold my Sony Trinitar car that was the first thing I did to get the discipline down I think I sold it for 40 bucks well that was it right TV I don't need TV yeah I you're doing comedy you don't need TV yeah Saturday live I go I never watch it I was always

working on Saturday night. If you're a real comic, you shouldn't be watching. I never, I was never home to watch it on a Saturday, so I didn't know what was going on. Right. That makes sense, but I mean, and I guess it's also, sometimes I don't like it. Like some comics, they have jokes about a song that's out or about a TV show. And I guess some of it's good, but it's better just to talk about what you like. Yeah, I mean, like, right now, you've talked about the Game of Thrones finale, which I've never watched any of that either. It's like, there's going to be six other comics on the show are probably going to have a joke about that so why would I want to go okay I need to know about that because everyone's talking about it okay I think it goes back for me because I was thinking

about this for me it was more like when you see a fucking Mexican dude mowing the lawn right go up to him and ask him if he knows what Graham of Thrones is ask him if he gives a fuck about archie the kid from England the fucking ugly fucking kid that was born to the Prince of England and mailing, whatever fucking Reagan, whatever Markley, whatever fucking name is. Ask him if they went to City of Avengers. They don't know nothing about that.

They don't know nothing about that. And that's what immigrant mentality is. They don't have time for stupidity. I grew up, I was very ashamed this last time about New York because when I was raised in New York City, the first thing your mom told you when you walk the streets, look straight ahead and don't fuck around.

I can't believe how many New Yorkers I saw looking at their fucking phone. I wish I could smack them all with one hand. This is the worst fucking thing going in the world right now. This takes people's attention. This takes your fucking time. This is why when I go on the road, I don't bring social media with me.

Once I'm on the road Thursday, there's no social media with me. I have Twitter on this phone, but no Facebook. Yeah. I got my emergency fucking email. but that's it because I've seen what it's done to people. People are fucking done with social media.

It went from posting one thing to posting psychological problems now. Social media is an all-time fucking low. And it's not social media's fault. It's our fault for letting ourselves get caught up. You know what I'm saying? I use it to promote dates and to keep in touch with the fan base from the church. I don't use it to tell fucking people my problems. or your politics.

It's gone somewhere completely fucking different. Well, I think it's just people, that's where they're living their lives now. Like a lot of people, like, whenever I'm on a diet, I watch people, I look for food videos on YouTube. And there's a new thing now where people are eating like 10 cheeseburgers. And I'm like, it's called, they call it like a muckbang. Like they eat like a whole stack of food.

And they have millions of views. And people are just, living their entire lives on the computer now. If you don't go online for five days and you go back on, you didn't miss one thing. You didn't miss one thing. You didn't miss one thing. They said 20% of people are on Twitter in the whole world and only 10% actually engage with people.

So 80%. I have 17 people in my family and three of them are on Twitter. And none of them post anything. They just follow whatever news organizations to see what's going on. Most of the people have known. My friend got some Twitter beef or another comic. I go, you realize 2,000 people know what's going on in this whole world. Right.

I go, no one knows what the fuck's going on. I go, don't play to that 2,000 people. Do you think that it's on everyone's radar? It's not. Who gives a shit? Because we're all on it every day or a lot. What kills me the most about this thing that we're going through right now with social media is, like I had to say something to somebody a couple weeks ago.

I really like this girl. She's come through a couple shows and stuff. up and she emails me once every 10 days about Thailand and how beautiful it is and one Saturday I just checked Twitter and she had 20 fucking tweets in a row there's two people that I don't know how they're living their lives you know people always go oh Joey you got some outlandish fucking stories that because I'm not I wasn't raised on the fucking television or raised on a phone I was raised on the street I was raised living life experience experiences, not reading about somebody doing mushrooms

or reading about, I lived it. You know what I'm saying? Like I lived it. I never had to read about it and then go do it to try to be, like I didn't know anything about that. I lived for now, like, and I still live for now. I feel bad when I see people constantly, and you see them constantly all day.

All you gotta do is look at the thread and see what you missed for six hours, and you're like, this person, has not stopped. You go to a fucking concert. What do you see? People with their phones up taping. Why are you taping?

What are you taping? What is it going to do for you? To show somebody at work? Why are you taping? You're not watching. You're not getting the full fucking experience. You're not fucking getting the full experience of what life is throwing at you.

Put that fucking... This is the worst thing that they could have created for us. Yeah? This is the worst. thing. It simplifies people. Nobody, you know, like, I just stop with the text. Like, if you text me, you might as well shoot yourself. You're not going to get nowhere. Like, don't text me, because you're not going to get nowhere. It's over. I disconnected the fucking thing. It's over.

Like, I get certain fucking, it's over. Like, every day I shed more and more of the phone or social media. Like, I'm down to Thursdays down. Right. Like, I used to fuck around on Fridays. I eliminated Fridays because it's taken too much time. I noticed that it was taken, and it's not me. I see what it's doing to people. You're killing your life. You're not living your life. You're looking at something,

and then you look down to post something stupid. Like something that has no value in our world or in your life at all. You know, yeah, not I went somewhere to eat, and I was like, maybe I should take a picture, and I go, no. Why am I doing what everybody else does? Forget this shit. Yeah. I mean it's it I was trying to do a few weeks ago something on Instagram the picture wouldn't fit

and I'm trying to shrink it down I'm telling my friend to go how to and I'm like what the fuck I just wasted 25 minutes to try to shrink it because it doesn't fit on Instagram like what am I doing my life who gives a fuck if I post us or not are our kids getting phones like I didn't get a phone until I was in middle school and that way it was just a brick phone like the Nokia old ones are kids young kids like elementary school getting phones now my kids 8 he's going to be nine he doesn't even he's not getting a phone for a while he's not even asking for one really

I figured they'd be asking by like four or five no he doesn't his cousin who's a couple years old in him he's got the phone and now they have like their relate it's affected their relationship because whenever they see each other he's just looking at the phone playing a game and my son's just sitting next to him going hey you don't want to talk to him

but he's just buried in the phone yeah I would be if I was a kid I forced my daughter out of the house every day today it started drizzling I still forced her out. I walked into the park myself for an hour and a half. I force her out. So there's no, I want her to live to say, you know, I was talking to my wife last night about going to that fucking school

where she goes to school at and saying that I want the kids to put together like a school newspaper. So they have to deliver papers. Each kid has to deliver a paper on their block. And you get the kids writing and going out. I think that a lot of people, people don't have that I've noticed a lot of the people that come on the podcast the sharper people have a paper route I noticed that kids that had a paper route are sharper fucking kids

because they had that that contact with humans at a younger age you know how to wheel and deal one thing I noticed the last month especially is that adults are not slick anymore what's that you see that movie the town yeah with Ben Affleck yeah yeah he tells the cop next time don't take pictures down the corner from my house be slicker than the fifth grader or whatever he said slicker than whatever this country has forgotten how to be slick i see it from dealing with people dealing with people people aren't slick no more they're not slick my five my six-year-old is slicker the most adults today they don't know how to fit nothing in they don't know how to wheel and deal they don't know the counter you know like when i was a kid and i

come to your door, do you want the Sunday paper? No, I use that paper out to sell all my shit. Like if I was a CYO basketball player, all right, if you don't want the Sunday paper, you're buying a fucking sticker. Right. And if you're not buying a sticker, you're buying something from me. And I'm going to torment you every day until you buy something from me. And when I realize you're not going to buy something from me, I'll put you on a list.

And on Halloween, when we throw eggs, your house is going to get bombarded to the fuck. So you work people. You understood how to work people. I want my daughter to have that same thing. How to work people. And that's how you learn all this shit. So I'm going to that fucking school to pitch him for her first grade, that all those get five or six first graders and give them extra credit,

make them right, second graders, third graders, fourth graders, fifth grade. Even if I have to walk down the block with her, deliver those papers. Yeah. And to ask for the quarter, whatever the fuck it is. Because we're missing out. We're missing out. see kids missing out a lot of things that I had growing up that I'm happy I didn't miss out of

them paper routes working you know when it snowed fucking shoveling people out I used to make a hundred bucks every time easily no absolutely 100 150 I took a yard stick out fucking a shovel me and my buddies you want to drink tonight you want to smoke pot let's stuff we would go knock on every door knock on doors 20 bucks 25 bucks 30 we have forgotten that we that is these are Unknown secrets and people, when they hear this, they go, I never thought of that because you're not slick. We've lost that gift. It's like I was telling you before the podcast started.

And we'll call my buddy Mike Duffy right now. Mike Duffy was the leader of that shit. I didn't even come up with it. I told you, in 1976 for the 200th anniversary of the fucking whatever, we were down there walking around. And we saw a parking lot that was empty and the restaurant was closed. So we went, we borrowed a fucking. boat cutter from a cop.

Like we went up to a cop. We bought a boat cutter. He was like, for what? He said, ah, somebody tied my bicycle. The cop was looking at the Hudson River. We went and cut the fucking chain and we charged $4 to park. Is it legal? No, it's not legal. But it's kids being slick.

It's just kids being slick. And if you start at that age, how to flip a fucking buck when you get older, you know how to be fucking slick. Kids today, that have no paper out, they got no quailutes, they got no hits of acid. You have no way to learn about business

at a young age at 13 and 14. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm telling you, honest to God, truth. You don't understand the value of a dollar. How to buy something for $2 and sell it for $4. Whatever the fuck it is. When I was a kid, I sold everything. I remember getting out of plane one time

with my mother and stepfather going to Puerto Rico. And in the first class, they used to give you shampoos and hand creams. and me sitting there going, I'm going, I took a puke bag, and I put all the perfumes because I would sell them on Broadway. Right. Like I was that much of a fucking mensch when I was a fucking kid. When I was shooting that movie in Jersey,

we had a shoot in a banquet hall, and I was sitting in one of those Hollywood chairs, and I was looking up in there had chandeliers, and they were like little gems. And I remember being a kid going somewhere and stealing the fucking gems off the chandelier, thinking they were diamonds, and sell them on Broadway and people telling me to get the fuck out of it.

It was the heart that mattered. I always was a wheeler dealer. I don't know if you get that from being from Jersey. I don't know what the fuck. When I moved to Jersey, those kids made a mint. They stole something every day. The common denominator, we would go to Seac caucus and cut punks.

Those things that you light on fire in your backyard to kill the mosquitoes. I mean, we even went that far. We always were looking to make a dollar every fucking day. We did something. Did it slow down for you? Because when I was younger, I did that. But then when I got a job at like 15, 14, it was hard for me to ask for money as an adult.

We're not asking. We're taking. You just take it. There was a soccer field when I was growing up. Shitsen Park, a German fucking hall. And they had people who, you could see 8,000, a thousand people in their soccer. And it was covered by sheet metal. We figured out that every sheet of sheet metal, we get $140.40.

You don't know how many nights we were on top of that roof, taking a piece of sheet metal off, cabboring it down the woods and walking it to the fucking sheet metal yard and getting $140 and splitting it three ways. And then taking two sheets down, taking three sheets down. And people at home are listening going, Jesus Christ, George, did you guys ever stop? No. No, I still remember being a car salesman making $10,000 a month, and at lunchtime, I would walk into the Boulder Mall and steal cross pens. When it was a payday, I would ask the lady, can I see those pens?

And she would open up the thing and walk away, and I would take a handful of cross pens and sell them to salesmen for $20 a piece. It never ended. Like, that mentality never ended. Like, I was always wheeling and dealing. You had to. There was record clubs, those Columbia House, BMG, 13 albums for a penny. So we did all these different names.

They'd come to address. You know, you don't put a social security number, so they never messed up your credit. And then we'd go to this place called the Ingolestown auction on Saturday and Sunday and just get a table. We wouldn't pay for the table. You're supposed to pay like 50 bucks to rent the table or 30, whatever it was. And we just sit there, all the albums that we got and we'd sell them.

So we paid a penny. We just paid, you just taped a penny. So 10 cents for 100 albums You get 13 albums for a penny And then you had to buy them later on And then you just blew it off You didn't buy them They would send another shit

Yeah they'd send a new U2 record Was the record a month They go okay good I got this now And they go we need 1386 from you Just blow it off Burn those bills Or just if a friend got a new apartment We'd just get that

And what's your new address And then we just forward all those bills there And he'd get like 40 bills a day And we just sell them at the England Auction for like five bucks And we walk away with $70 fucking Columbia House They were in Tehrot, Indiana

Yeah, Tehran, Indiana I knew them, that address by heart And I would just take my magazines And I would fill out Columbia House, mail them to the house Across the street And you'd wait for fucking the mailman You see the big box come You see the big box, you run up their stairs

And take the box And then you'd have duplicate out And all the albums were a farce anyway They were all duplicates Yeah, they weren't they weren't great They were really thin They weren't really the original album. They would just make copies.

And that's why you got 13 of them for a penny. And then you had to agree to buy four of them over the next three years. Yeah, for like... 2899. Yeah, which is ridiculous. Which is ridiculous. That's how they made their money back. Whenever they change formats from album to cassette to CD, I'll go, go, okay, I need all the

Black Sabbath stuff now in a cassette. Now I need it in a CD. And I would just get it through Columbia House. I'm like, fuck it. I already paid for it once. I'm not paying for it again. I actually wrote a check to Columbia House back in like 2000. and four when I started making money in comedy

and I sent him a check for two grand I said just cash it I you know ripped you guys off for years or whatever just cash it because I felt bad huh did they cashed yeah I never I get I cashed it did they ever mail you a thank you no they did nothing I didn't hear back from fuck those motherfuckers but I don't care I made me feel guilty

I almost wrote them a check but they're not gonna say thank no they didn't say thank you they go fuck them believe me I ripped them off for probably five grand oh I got them too I there was another company called Finger Hut where they'd have like these little CD players or whatever or clock radios, all these little gadgets, and that was the same thing. You know, you can get her for free and then you just have to buy stuff.

So me and my brother, around Christmas time, we get presents for our family, like a CD player and shit like that, and we just blow them off and never acknowledge them again. They'd be chasing us. So down the head, these great catalogs are a little, like shit. It was almost like sharper image, but shittier stuff. Okay. Like a shitty version of sharp image. And they would send you shit with no money?

No money. They would send you one thing with no money. And then you had to buy like four other things. Like, are you fucking kidding me? it's amazing where they like how long did columbia house last yeah they're still around yeah they're still basically around but years i mean i'm like how does this company stay in business because i don't know anyone that paid them i don't know one person that ever paid them i tried to do it my brother was ripping them off so much i

go you know what i should really just do it i'm making a little money now i'm gonna i put it in my real name and they turn me down i'm like you motherfuckers so then i just put it in dam merino's name so i was a damn rino fan i got 13 fucking metallica records the next day How crazy is that? I'm like, really? My own name and you're going to turn me down? I started fucking with Columbia House when I was in Catholic school.

Somebody told me in, just send it in. I was like, are you serious? Yeah. I think I got like American Pie. Right. Don DeKlein. Yeah, yeah. That was one of the first albums I got,

Superfly. I got from Columbia House. I got all those albums from Columbia House the first time. Then they'd send you letters and I'd just draw them away. Then I figured out, wait a second. Let me send an account to my mother and they took it

Then I sent one to my stepfather and then I just started putting fake names and sending them to my address They would still send them same what you could use the address like 15 times with 15 different names You just make up a name and they would keep sending them people across the street to Tristanos They had two girls how many things I sent to the house I sent pornos to the house because we used to get super rates When Super 8, and I told that bit for years about people didn't know that before YouTube or You Hub or Porn Hub and all that shit. If you wanted to get porn, you had to order it in the mail. When I was like 10, 11, you had to get porno in the mail. So you had it, and it didn't even go to like, it wasn't even Playboy or Hustler.

It was like regular magazines. You'd go to the back and they'd have three poros for 1995. And if you order now, you got a projector. So they would send you this little mini Super 8 projector. It was called Reel to Reel or something like that. And you had to put it in and you had to put a sheet up and the pornos were just god awful.

Like the reason why I don't watch porn today is because of those pornoes from the 70s. Whatever they sent you in the mail, all those women are dead. Like all those women got killed. They did not survive. They were lied to, they picked them up in a van. You could see.

Like they would crack, toes even before it was crack. Like it was that bad, the pornos. You could get pornos in the mail. I don't remember that. I don't remember that. I would have definitely have done that. Me and my friends did it, I think, one time.

And that was all it took. Yeah. It scared the shit out of us. Like, we went into an area that you weren't supposed to go in. Yeah. It was me, Sabatino, the special brothers,

and I think one of the Balsanos. And we all chipped in five bucks. because it was like 1999 plus shipping and handling and you had to wait six weeks for them to process and it was just like getting a ticket in the 70s

like if you wanted to go see the who like who were you in 76 we had to send uh pink floyd also pink floyd de wall not pink floyd de wall i'm sorry there was somebody else that plj in the old days you had a mail a fucking

a check or money order in to plj and then they would send you tickets back. They would send you a letter with four tickets. You only were allowed to get four tickets. You didn't know that, Chin? Yeah, no, I did remember. Yeah, you couldn't get too many. They wanted from the scalpers. They didn't want the scoppers buying 20 tickets. So let's say Judas Priest was doing five nights at the palladium. You would order, Lee would order, I would order, Kish, you would order five. So five of us would order five, four tickets. And if you went, then we would go Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. And you'd

Usually if you mailed it in, you got them. Yeah. Unless you mailed it in two weeks late and you didn't get shit. Okay. But if you mailed it, right, PLJ said tomorrow at 8 a.m. If you mailed it that day, you usually got tickets, especially at the Guard. Yes, did that. Yes, came every September, five or six nights.

You had to mail shit in to get it back. But Pono, when I first, the first time I saw Pono, it was Pono that you had to order in the mail. And I still remember waiting. to six weeks for it and fucking getting it and it being like a secret fucking party like handshakes and people came over we had we had to do it in my house up in the attic and it was hot we had to bring a fan in an air conditioning yeah like that's how crazy that shit was yeah man um i think i lit those balloons on fire we melted that's how disgusting they were they were that fucking disgusting that's funny like we thought we were gonna see like models

shit. Uh-uh. It looked like women that had been run over and they smuggled them down in the hotel and shit. It was bad. It was really fucking bad. Damn. Yeah, because I mean, you just basically had a magazine. What we'd do with the Columbia house stuff if we, you know, got it shipped

to our address. I remember there's one kid in the neighborhood we all hated. He was a dick. So we just forward over to his address. Because you would get the bill and you would forward a change of address and just put his address. So now all the bills would go to his house. And he didn't know who was coming from. Because I put Dan Marino down.

So he had no idea. It wasn't my name. So he had no idea where the shit was coming. And he just gets stacks of bills. Fuck them. When I was home this time, too, I remembered something. You know, I remember he used to bring the Coke up to Dan Marino at the University of Pittsburgh. I knew those guys.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, that's why he dropped all the way to the Dolphins at Pick 24 that year because there was always rumors that he was doing Coke in college because he was going to be like number one and five quarterbacks went before him or four. Kenny O'Brien, all these guys because of the Coke rumors and the Dolph's going to take a chance on him. He's down in Miami anyway. I didn't know you were that much of a damn.

Oh, huge. Yeah, huge. Dolphin fan and Marino fan. I wound up being, get to know him because I worked on inside the NFL like in 2004 and he was on there and shit. So we became friends and stuff. I still see him from time to time. He's a great dude.

That guy after like inside the NFL Bob Koss is Chris Collinsworth, Chris Carter. Oh, like a party or something like that afterwards. they'd all go sit at the table, like, you know, to host and stuff like that with all the executives from HBO, Marino would hang with the friggin' camera guys and drink beers with them and just tell stories.

He wanted to hang with the blue collar guys. He was always like that. Growing up from Pittsburgh. He's a Pittsburgh guy. Yeah, Pittsburgh guy, yeah. I'll never forget when Pittsburgh played West Virginia, Marino's senior year, and there was a guy on West Virginia called Darryl Talley.

Oh, yeah, he went to the bills. He was an animal. Yeah. you should have seen him in college really like in college i was like who is this fucking guy he was doing everything he had the face paint yeah number 56 he was tackling people sacking people biting people fucking intercepting balls i was like who the fuck is this guy still remember marina that was on a couple weeks ago the the quarterback thing 30 for 30 oh yeah what elway a marina yeah that down fucking brilliant what the yankees did with elway

Elway just did not want to play for the fucking cults. He's like, I'm not doing it. Yeah. I'm not fucking doing it. Yeah, that was amazing. Yeah, he had a great senior year, and then Marino didn't have a great senior year, and it was drug rumors about him, and he dropped all the way, and Miami picked him up. I still remember kids telling me they were going to pit to party.

Not saying his name, like he wasn't a big deal at the time, but I still remember a handful of kids. a girl specifically that she was dating one of those guys that was coming to hudson county picking up the shit north berg and bringing it right up to pit for the weekends because the kid went to st jo's in west new york right there was a kid from a st jo's west new york that went to pit and he played and pit all four years with marino he was the fucking source of that of that fucking powder poor marina and he was still on powder in the nfl too supposedly yeah i mean if you lived in Miami and stuff you know he never got caught or anything I don't know no no no the

receivers did a doper and Clayton yeah all those guys because it's not like it was the fourth oh yeah yeah they got they got busted and even later on life like duper was dealing and stuff like that all those Miami guys there was always these former dolphins Mercury Morris was originally the original one got caught with coke back in the 70s it was in jail for like five years really yeah I don't know I don't know your history, Jim. I don't know if you did coke or anything like that, but I always think about, like, could you

be, like, a musician on tour or, like, an athlete who's playing games and have, like, like, it seems like it would take too much out of you to have a problem like that, but still be able to go out there and perform at, like, that crazy level. No, there was guys in the 70s of a bunch of baseball players, like

10 baseball players, stars got busted for doing Coke. Pittsburgh Pirates. Yeah, and Keith Hernandez was involved. And Dave Parker. What was it? Candelaria. Candelaria. Candelaria.

The Candy Man. Lawrence Taylor bands. Shit. I saw Lawrence Taylor in a strip club. It was Saturday night at like 2 a.m. And he had a game Sunday at 1 p.m. in Jersey. He was fucking hanging out with strippers, fucking guzzling drinks back. And he had a game in what, 11 hours.

They're just that good, I guess. They're just that good. They could perform under that type of... They could just perform. I guess so. You know, I did it for years. I didn't get high and go on stage. But you've talked about how, like, if you got high, too high, like, sometimes your

sense wouldn't be as good. Oh, no, you have no contact. You have no emotion behind your material. It's just words on a paper. All those guys that got fucked up, and I work with a lot of them when I first started, if they ever had a second show on a weekend, they were terrible. The first show, they were pretty good because they were just in a groove and they had a nice buzz on.

By the second show, you have to wait an hour between a second show. you have to wait an hour between the second show starting by the time they went back on they were terrible terrible yeah just doesn't work yeah you can't be that fucked up for like seven hours you know you start the first show starts at eight you're not you getting off stage at 12 30 or whatever five and a half hours it just doesn't work and there's too much downtime in between and then they get more fucked up more fucked up and then you know maybe doing some coke to get back up and then drinking a ton and all that it just never and i always saw that going i go i'm not going to do it i'm never going to do that i mean i never did coke anyway but I'm never going to be fucked up to like see how much it affects the show

i got into comedy in june of 91 and at st patty's day at 92 i bought some coke and i go i'm gonna do some coke before i go on stage i know richard pride did it i thought he did it and go on stage and it was such a disaster and never again i would do it right from the stage to the bathroom but i would never go up on stage with it. Never. And it would make, I saw the difference it made when I got high the night before and went on stage the next day. I would go on stage for four nights and just bomb because I was getting high the night before and I could feel it. And then when I had a big show, I wouldn't get high for like a day before it. So I would be clean for like 24, 40 hours if I had a serious show. But I always got high after a show.

And that's why I never got nowhere. It wasn't until I... Yeah, it really affects you if you get really fucked up the night before and you got shows the next day. You sleep's off and everything like that. You're exhausted on stage. You're just not thinking straight. Which is why not for the athletes,

you hear about John Jones talking about he was doing coke all before those D.C. fights. I guess they're just so, like they're just machines, I guess. Well, you have that muscle memory. You know, I heard Lawrence Taylor was snorting coke. It bothered me with people would say, well, the reason why Lawrence Taylor is so good is because he snorts coke. That's bullshit.

That's completely bullshit. Because I remember being locked up and we would do speed on Mondays. And Monday nights we would all be allowed to go to grammar school like a mile away from the fucking prison and play basketball. And I would be a mess. I would be a fucking mess. And that was speed. I can't imagine doing like Coke.

My heart would be. everywhere. My breathing would be off. My timing would be off. And I was a young kid and I just felt it then. I'm like, nah, I don't think this works if you get high and do what you're supposed to do. Listen, I'm sure that there's a thousand comics that have done cult and gone on stage and done great. It just didn't work for me. Because then you get in the habit or you have to do it all the time. You feel like it's all superstitions. Oh man, I kill with it. It's not got to do it every night. You're doing five, six nights a week. You're going to be fucking dead in 10 years. Yeah.

People always give me shit. Like, you don't drink. I go, I do this five, six nights a week. I've been doing it for 28, 29 years. I go, I had no liver left if I'm, I need to have beers before I go on stage. Yeah. Every night. You know what I mean?

Like, I would never get into that habit of doing that. And then I got to drive. I'm like, fuck that. I'm, you know, I got to take this shit serious. I'm, you know, I can't keep it together if I drink and dry. I cannot keep it together. I'm not a big drinker. But if I have a half of beer and I get in the car, my heart rate's fucking.

pumping that I got because I have no credibility once you have alcohol on your breath and you get pulled over by a cop you have zero credibility even if it's even if you just had a little bit of beer with your meal you have no credibility you have nowhere to come from because once he asked you've been drinking you got to say yes and you got to take that fucking test so I'd rather not drink and do 90 and take a chance you know many times a cop pulled me over and I was speeding over the speed weren't you in a car with me and I just got pulled over for that. doing 80 and then we didn't get a ticket ox not yeah because I'm a gentleman

A and B I don't have alcohol on my breath. You could prove your point a lot more when you don't have alcohol and your car don't smell like refa and I knew this 30 years ago like when I would read that somebody got pulled over and they had a roach in the car and they had three kilos of

coke if I was a judge I'd give them additional time for felony stupid like I would have that charge felony stupid like I would have that charge if I have that charge If I have anything in my car, if I have more than two joints in my car, I don't do over the speed limit.

They gave us a right in California. They gave us the right to smoke pot whenever we wanted to. Do you really need to smoke pot in your car? No. If you do, you're a fucking idiot. Right, yeah? You're a fucking idiot. You know, do you really need to smoke pot in your car?

Not really. California gave you a fucking chance to smoke all the pot you want in your fucking house or on your balcony. You don't need to smoke in the car. You're going to lose your license. You're going to crash, and you're going to trace it to that.

You're going to get fucking sued. And the whole, you know. And if God forbid you kill someone. Some guys walking across the street, you don't see him whether, even if you were sober and he did it, and you're high. Forget it.

You're going to jail minimum of 10 years. Yeah. That happened like Dante Stalworth a couple of years ago. Yeah. He just hit some guy who was walking across. If that's like my nightmare. I don't know. No,

you pay a fucking tension to life. If you pay attention, you'll save. You eliminate 20% of the bad shit that could happen. What's pay attention mean? Who gives a fuck who's calling you? When you're in a fucking car and I'm driving and somebody calls you, it tells me who's calling me. I don't need to pick it up.

I don't need to text when I'm driving. I don't want to text when I'm fucking driving. I don't want to text at all. So that's why I don't pay attention to that. If you pay attention to life, you won't have those problems. Even when I was in my deepest drug comas, I always

paid attention. I can't tell you how many times I tell my daughter to pay attention and she does now. She walks with her head up. Yeah, know your surroundings. No your fucking surroundings. I always ask her, who's in the room? Like the other day, I said to her look behind you. You know, and I keep, see,

when you fucking walked up to me, you should have made sure that guy was there. You didn't because you didn't look. got to look around. You got to keep your eyes open at all times. When I see stupid shit on the news, it breaks my heart, especially as a parent at the park. When I go to the park, I see parents fucking turn their backs and shit. You don't ever turn your back on your kid. Your eyes are always on your kid. If somebody talks to you and they're over here that forces you, I stop the conversation. I stop the fucking conversation. I want to watch what the fuck is going on.

at all times at all fucking times yeah I live a little off a road where the speed limit's like 35 miles an hour I'm like a corner house and my son and his friends

are always playing in my yard they're playing baseball whatever and I always tell them I said listen if that ball ever goes and then it road under no circumstances go get it I go I got 17 more balls in the house don't ever think you can go get that ball

real quick and then run off you're not so they just know I go don't ever go over this fence you know what I mean so I just put it in it I tell them every time they play I go you guys know what the rule is if that ball goes over there yeah we don't go get it exactly even if it's the last one left so you just got to let them know man don't ever on that you know I can make it notice you know so they know it's funny you used to go to English England's town auction I live near there still I bring my son there this there's so much stolen shit there every week everything is it's great at that English town flea market but the many boys What is it? The mini car,

Englandstown. They got the Raceway Park. The raceway is that still there? Yeah, it's still there. They're trying to outlaw it because it allowed noises in the summer. I love it. I sit on my deck. I hear those drag racing cars.

I'm like, this is cool. I believe they still have those. They still have them. But I used to go to that thing in 19, like 76. And we used to sell sneakers. Yeah. Converse limousines for the feet.

Everything down there was stolen. Everything. Car speakers. Everything. just fell off a fucking truck. It was just an outlet to sell stolen stuff. Watches. You go down there and look at somebody

and give them like a look, like a wink and they'll take you for a walk. Like, is this all you have? They look at you for a couple minutes and you look at them. They look at you and they're like, let's take a walk. And you go to their car and they got tons of shit in their car. Grenades.

Fucking dead bodies. Inglastown, New Jersey was this shit. It was unbelievable. We used to buy you sneakers there for like 10 bucks. like used high tops Like I just cigarettes Carton cigarettes And then fireworks

Like M80s and blockbusters A guy in a corner would have a table out Like you'd have a cover over it And you'd walk by like I got fireworks Like you couldn't keep out in the open Mats of fire crackers And you'd buy shit right there Like you know a quarter stick of dynamite

For like six bucks A blockbuster was a quarter stick of dynamite And we'd just blow people's mailboxes up in the neighborhood That we didn't like We just set it And then there'd just be a stick there and you wouldn't even know where the mailbox went. They'd sell dynamite to like...

Yeah, they didn't give a shit. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. 14, 14. We'd take... They don't give a fuck. We would take me and my friends would take the train into the city and go into Chinatown and go to, I don't know, some shady apartment.

And we'd be stealing the fireworks the same time. We'd distract a woman that's going to sell us. We'd be shoving them down our pants, blockbusses, and come back with all these fireworks and just go go sell them in the neighborhood and everybody else. Because there was a car. There was a guy that came off from Chinatown. close to the 4th of July that would sell fireworks out of his car

in the summertime, right before the 4th of July. Then we got hit. We found out that you could undercut that motherfucker just by going to Chinatown yourself. Yeah. We were kids, 8th grade, 7th grade. We were going to Chinatown and buy those things. We buy a gross of bottle rockets.

Bottle Rock. $144 bottle rockets. 144 bottle rockets are gross and shit. we'd buy and we'd light up the whole mat. Like we'd get the mats. Yep, mat of fireworks. I forget how many firecrackers were in there. I have no fucking idea.

It's amazing you're still alive. Like 150 packs of firecrackers. And have all your fingers and, oh my God. I remember the cops would come around a week before the 4th of July and show you pictures of people's hands that have been blown off. Yeah, it worked on me. And we tell them to go fuck themselves. Yeah, like who cares?

I'm still scared of fireworks. We used to have firecracker fights like we'd light firecrack. And throw them at each other. throw them at each other oh my god and then we take the stick off the fire uh you take a stick off a bottle rocket you know i don't find it's a nigger chaser because it would just spin around and go so they would call them nigger chases even the chinese people go you buy nigger chaser and we would look at them like what the fuck are you talking about what are the black people call it don't they wouldn't they never mess with fireworks you couldn't bring those things

listen black people don't mess around with fireworks or cryotherapy well known You'll never see a brother in a crowd therapy fucking thing. Oh my God. Fucking hilarious. What they, and it got, the thing about Chinatown is that every time, and I'm talking about the one in New York,

I don't know one about San Francisco or in L.A. And I'm talking about the mid-70s. That every, they'd be like little dealers on the corner. And again, they would sell you the, you know, firecrackers,

bottle rockets, smoke bombs, and cherry bombs. Cherry bombs. Cherry bombs were, the general yeah two cherry bombs make an M80 right there was a four yeah yeah four cherry bombs make them an M80 and four M80s is a quarter stick of dynamite good to know so we'd fucking buy 20 M80s and fucking I mean the things we did with those M80s we blew holes and walls

just tied them together and then there was always one kid who knew how to fucking put everything together he was missing a finger yeah there was was a kid on 148 street that for like $10, he would hold on to shit and let it blow up on his hand. That's not. Hilarious. He was missing fingernails. He'd got

his fingernail blown off one year from a fire. Was that your $10? Not really. I just couldn't believe that he would hold fireworks. He was like a Vietnam vet or something. And he would let things blow up in his hands.

Cherry bomb. M80s and you had something stronger than the M80. The Blockbuster. The Blockbuster. Blackbuster was actually a quarter stick of dynamite. Jesus. And then you had the, what's the thing that shot the balls that you shot people?

A rocket launcher? Like a little rocket. They called them something. Oh. You lit the top and balls came out. Oh, yeah. Fire balls. Roman candles.

Roman candles. Roman candles. Roman candles. We'd light you on fire with a Roman candle. Oh, yeah. Every year, we get a Roman candle. Like, if you didn't tell you, or give money or keep the kids good we would burn your roof with rob the

fucking candles you know the fucking roofs we burned on Charles Court and giving that service at 38th Street because we wouldn't stop with the Roman candles till we let your roof on fire listening to you guys makes me not want to have kids like it just scares no this is what it is to be a kid yeah we we shot some bottle rockets into a field then it would start it on fire and a fire fire yeah they had to call the fire department put it out because it was it was in August or July it was hot and it just lit right up that's what fields do oh my god we would make gasoline bombs with fireworks like malice have cocktails no like my laptop cocktails and then leave a string of gunpowder to live on fire so it was fucking go down

the block i mean it was fucking nuts oh my it was nuts we blow up we blow up this guy's mailboxes kid we didn't like with a blockbuster quarter stick of dynamite my sister was babysitting six blocks away and heard it. She's like, I went to the, I heard that. I went to the window. Like, yeah, we blow up his mailbox. You'd still be in jail today for some of this stuff. Like, they don't allow, like, I don't think I've,

until I moved to L.A., I didn't see fireworks or here. It was only like towns had fireworks shows because they were, they were illegal in Massachusetts. Nobody little firework on the street. The most I saw was sparklers. I know, sorry. That's the shit I did when I was four. Exactly.

You just light a sparkling stand there like a fucking half of fruitcake and wait for it to sizzle out. Yeah, we, yeah, when they sold that in the story, like, that's lame. Yeah. No, I'm sure some people had, like, they went to Pennsylvania or West Virginia or something, but there was nothing that I knew of. Jews don't buy fireworks, I guess. What a fucking. And we used to go to South or Border.

We'd go to Florida every year with the family and vacation. Is that still there? I don't know. It's got to look like it's 1920. Because when I was a kid, it looked like it fucking, see if south of the board. Remember all those signs? What is it, North Carolina? I think it's a border.

North Carolina. If you drove from New York City to Miami. It was the middle. It was the middle. Like 12 hour drive there. Yeah, you stopped there and the rules are shitty. So we'd stack up on all the fireworks there. The food was shitty, but they'd sell fireworks.

And they had every sign every like 50 miles. See, they definitely have a established 1949. Let me see where it is. I think they have it because they have a website. Was it a vacation spot or was it just a truck spot? There was a big truck stop, big truck stop. You know, that was pretty much, and you'd go there, you would eat. And the main thing was the fireworks.

Yeah, South Carolina. That's it. Yep. Interstate 95. That makes sense. Yeah, it was right off the highway going down to Florida. Did you ever just drive down there? They could get fireworks and drive back?

No, because we could always get them in New York, so we didn't have to. But if we were on a family vacation, we would stop there. and then we'd pick up a bunch of stuff. There's a big gorilla out front. I don't know if you guys. South of the fucking border. I forgot all about that shit. I used to do those drives all the time when I was a kid.

New York City to Miami and back with my uncles, my mom. Yeah. And we always stop the fucking south of the border. I remember the food. I got sick there. Like, that's why I remember south of the border because the food was just fucking God awful. They had like generic hamburgers. Yeah, they have six restaurants it says.

Yeah, not Bueno. Or it wasn't back then, or I just got carsick or whatever. This is a time of the year, like, I haven't been to the shore in 30 years, probably. Like, last time I was in Seaside Park, had to be like 98th. And I didn't go in the water. I have not been on the Jersey Shore. No Asbury Park or any of that stuff when you go? Nothing.

Since the 80s. I was telling you before the show, I went to convention hall. last Sunday to see like a wrestling match. I took my kid there and his friend. Nothing's changed. Same chandeliers. Same everything right on the boardwalk in Azrae Park. I thought they cleaned all that up. Well, they left that, but they did.

But in that little indoor, little mall, where a convention hall is, it's still the same. You know, they got other shops and they're more modern shops, but they never changed anything because it was historic. It's same with the Stone Pony. They haven't changed anything. Historic landmark. Cleaned up Newark.

Newark is cleaned up. Well, people are moving to Newark now because they can't, because Hoboken's full, you know, Wee Hawkins full, Jersey City is full right now. So people of Newark is now, people that want to live in New York, they can't afford it. All these young people are moving now to start to build up Newark. That's the new thing. Oh, right.

Views that are metal. No more views of the George Washington Bridge because there's nothing left. Yeah. So now you have a view of the Meadowlands. That's the new thing. when they sell a house now what are you crazy got a view of the metal lands it's beautiful out there who the fuck wants to see that shit yeah i never understood that and when i was shooting this movie they said that they shot scenes in newark and they go it's not good that even at night this was

the good area and it was kind of crazy yeah it's still bad i mean like we're still bad yeah i didn't know that at all i was excited to go to newark well they got where the devils play at that uh right the prudential center right you know and they have concerts there one time yeah Yeah, when you get off the train in Newark off of New Jersey Transit, they have like a skyway where you never have to hit the streets of Newark to get to the Prudential Center. They did that for the scared white people. Like, all right, listen, we'll go to Newark because we know we don't have to walk on the street to go if we take the train. Was that bad or still that bad?

It's still around that area. I just did a gig around there about a year ago. It's bad. But, you know, they have a lot of cops in that area so they make sure because one white person, you know, gets killed there. no one's ever going to go there again. So they know. They block off the streets. They make sure it's safe for people coming and out of those events there.

They have a bunch of shows there now too. So if people don't want to go to the garden or anything like that. But yeah, but they're starting to build it up because there's no more room in New Jersey and people that can't afford New York City. Queens is full. Brooklyn full. All that stuff.

It's too expensive. So they're actually coming to Newark now. Which is crazy. Everything is fucking full. Three weeks I was there. I never seen so many people. my fucking life yeah they got people on top of people they got people on that whole river road down there by you see all that shit that's there I mean I used to live in you know

Cliffside Park and the Briarcliffe that big building that was built in 1972 that was like the only high rise in that area that in the galaxy that was in West New York those are the only buildings and stuff and it's like I didn't go back to it for like 10 years and I went down I'm like holy shit it's fucking crazy it's like $2,700 for rent for like a one bedroom like on the water there and people just that edge water is the giants and the nicks and i saw naughty by nature when i was down there the singer track i saw him down there right ufc jim you have to have that money yeah there's a money to live on that fucking thing now and all those that used to be rat infested when i was a fucking kid so it was from what you said yeah it's

rat infested yeah gross yeah i mean it just over the last me and norton me and jim norton wanted to moved close to New York City and we got a place in Cliffside Park. We're paying $800. It was a two-bedroom for $800. And I had my girlfriend at the time living there. So we were splitting rent three ways, $800 a month. It was fucking great. It was a shithole.

But it was right in Cliffside Park. It was five minutes from the Lincoln Tunnel, 10 minutes from the George Washington Bridge. It was perfect that we just set shop up there. You really can't be. I love Cliffside Park. Yeah, it was great. I love how quick you could be. I used to walk from Cliffside to the bridge.

I can't believe what they did around the bridge They used to be a spot Like a block from the George Washington Bridge Where there was a red light like that one above you In front of it And if that light was beeping That means fresh bagels were coming out of the oven Oh David

People would just fucking pull over And going there and get a dozen Fresh bagels out of the oven The red light would just be blinking I went up there There's no more red light The only thing that's still there is the tower That diner, the Fort Lee Diner

Oh yeah, yeah That's it. That'll never go. Everything else is brand new and Korean. And Korean. If you don't I blow English there, if you don't speak Chinese or Korean, you are done in Fort Lee. Really? It's all Korean. They took over Fort Lee, Powell Park, and Ridgefield Park. You're going to have to try some kimchi now. No.

It's over. No. No. But it's everywhere. It's all Korean. The Fort Lee Saloon is gone. Babe's taxi that was right under the bridge is gone. That is gone. All those days are long gone. The hip club up there was the Fort Lee Saloon. It was right on the side of George Washington Bridge. I asked my brothers, is it still there?

Gone. Truffles, gone. All those bars along they're gone. It's a complete different fucking world. And it's an expensive fucking world, too, to live up there. I used to think I wanted to live in New York. You do? Yeah.

It seems like it'd be for all the shitty parts, like the rent and too many people, it seems like there's no other place. I'm 56 years old, guys. How old are you? 54. You know what, man? New York does nothing for me now. Really? Yeah, because I'm 54 years old. I can't take advantage of what it's got to offer.

I can't take advantage of what it's got to offer. New York is a late city and not really. Not anymore. Not what I saw. You know, New York, when I was growing up, was a late city. Like when Ari told me he was moving to New York, I said, go, because you're not going to make it happen here the way you live in New York. And he loves it.

When Mitch Hedberg told me he was thinking about it, I go, go. Because if you're going to attack a certain, if you can't sleep, New York is for you. Yeah. If you don't like going to bed at one and you like being out at one, you know, when I was shooting this, we were in Ridgewood, Brooklyn. Is it Ridgewood Brooklyn or Ridgewood Queens? I'm not sure. Okay.

This is a true story. Our call time was sick sometimes. So you have to break six hours after your call time by law for lunch. Sometimes the night it was one night it was seven o'clock my call time. And at one o'clock we had lunch and we had a drive from the set to a place where we were eating like a downstairs of a church. And it was maybe. Guys, six block drive on Myrtle Street in Brooklyn.

And I'm telling you this with fucking all the sincerity in the world. There was more businesses open at one in the morning along that route than there are in all of fucking this area where we live. Oh, yeah, there's nothing. There was more restaurants open on that strip. There was a vapor store where it was open and they had 20 months. motherfuckers in there smoking fucking vapors I'm in front of the fucking plate.

When we got to the place we were eating, I was at the Punisher and I looked at them and I go, hey man, did you notice that on the drive here on that fucking shitty street? There was more businesses in a 10 mile drive open. More places to eat hummus, sushi,

fucking a cheese steak place, bodegas up the ass, the halal cafe was open. All these things were open. than he goes imagine living up and fucking what was he lived not ventura county what's alky what's name of oh oh hi oh he goes imagine living in oh hi there ain't dick to eat after seven o'clock there was more businesses open on merdle avenue in a five-minute drive than there was all of this at nine o'clock like if i say to you at nine o'clock you're hungry what do we got we got that shitty

pizza Tony's pizza and you got Denny's and you got all these shitty taco stands that you don't know what you're eating and with all the fucking horse this is Santa Anita I don't trust none of these places with all these horses that are dying in Santa Anita what are we up to

30 this year and it's fucking June it's not even June and dirty horses have died that meat's got to go somewhere so if you're eating some food trucks in the L.A. area I wouldn't fucking advise it. So my point is that it's a late night city.

Right. You know, I have no use of being out at one in the morning. I don't want, if you got a spot for me at 11.30, I'm not going to do it. Yeah, some of them go, you know, the comedy cell. I remember doing it over the summer like 1.45. I spot. I'm like, I can't do this. Dang.

It's just too late for me. Yeah, it's too. I'm past. I used to do it all time. My spot was 110 a.m. Yeah, no, I used to do it too. No problem. Used to do it too.

So I have no use for New York. I love New York. Don't get me wrong what I'm saying to you, but I have no use for New York. I'm not going to get in the fucking train and go do six spots on one night. That ship's sail. You know, I don't have the, you know,

if I have a spot in the city and I got to leave Edgewater and jump on a ferry and come over, that's going to be a deep spot. Like, you better think twice before you do it. So I have no use for New York in that way. I have to be honest with myself. Yeah.

But me being 30, a young comic, I don't like to sleep anyway. Like, I'm not going to go to bed until four anyway. Like, Ari, I could call Ari at one here. And he picks up like nothing. Hey, what's up? Nothing. What are you doing?

I'm just sitting here. You know how many times I'm coming up all the Lowell, Kagan, 1130, and I'll call Ari. And he answers the phone like, nothing happens. It's two 30 in the morning. Yeah, I like staying up. But that's what he lives for. Yeah.

I don't have that use anymore. I don't, I'm not going to stay out to one. No, because, yeah, I remember coming, living right outside New York, my hours, I'd go to bed of three and get up around 10 or 11. So I could stay out. It didn't matter. But then, you know, as you get older and then you have a kid, I'm like, fuck that. I'm, you know, I'm not doing a midnight show. I'll do the 8 and 10.30 show at the stand or whatever like that. And then I'm done. I'm not running around doing seven different shows.

I don't give a shit. I'm just going to stay in one spot. I'm not running a subway. Yeah, I'm not running a subway going here and getting here and running on stage. And it's like, yeah, I'm good. I just need a couple sets. Even the store, I do the 915 on Saturday night. 915, I won't do it. I don't want to be at 11 o'clock. I got no use out there. 10.30, maybe the latest.

On a Tuesday, 10.30 on Thursday. That's it. I can't even imagine being out at midnight anymore. It just changes it because, for me, I've always loved that. I was going to add a second show at the board. God, I'm not. It's an 11 o'clock show. Yeah.

I'm not adding on 11 o'clock show. Oh, dang, yeah. That's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. That means I don't get out of there until one or two. I don't go to bed till three, and I'm on the first flight out. It's not worth it to me. So it's just so weird.

It gets to the point, and it's not even being old. It's just you just don't see the use for it anymore. I don't have any use for it. I wish I did. I wish I could stay out till one, and I can't. For a young guy, yeah. There's some people at that, that, that, fits your lifestyle. It fit my lifestyle 30 years ago. Doesn't fit it today. You know, when I was doing

three, four sets a night at 30 years old or whatever, I was doing like the same material. I wasn't really working on it. It wasn't special to me. I'm just like, okay, it's another set. As you get older, you'll do less sets, but it's more important to you. Go, okay, I need to work on these bits. I got to go out on a road. I got to come out with new material. So it's, you really, it wasn't doing, just because I was doing more sets, I wasn't advancing my career at all. As you get old, then you realize I got, I got a, I really got to focus on these bits. There's too many distractions when I was 30. I'm just trying to get pussy.

You know what I mean? After a show, that's the only reason I was doing it. And the sets almost got in the way. Well, with anything, you learn how to work smarter. Yeah. With anything in your life, eventually you do it so long. You go, wait a second. I have to learn how to work this smart.

You know, it's like I used to sit at a coffee shop for three hours. Now I said that coffee shop right now in 15 minutes. And I get done what I would have done in three hours. in the old days. Now I could do it. I get up, break for an hour, and then come back. You learn that if you sit there for three hours

after an hour and a half, you're not going to do anything anyway. You're going to make phone calls. You're going to look at something else. You're going to look at this on the computer. Fuck it. So now I'd rather sit there for an hour of 15, give it an hour of 15.

And then I go to crowd therapy and break it up, go to the weed store. Then I go back to writing. And I get more you learn from, what was you, what was you, saying that you work smarter. Work smarter, yeah. That's it. When I was young, too,

I'd do 22 sets a week. Yeah, that was necessary at the time, but I could have done the same damage by doing 16 sets. Five of those sets I didn't necessarily have to do, but as a young comic, you can't turn down anything. No. You're in no position to turn down anything as a young

comic. Your first 15, 20 years, you can't turn down dick. You know, you're coming off a plane. They've got a spot for you. You do it. Now I got a family. I have age. I have a lot of things that I have to give my time to. It's hard.

It's hard when you have a child. You have your child full time pretty much. Yeah. Three days a week. You have to give them all the attention they could. You know, people get mad at me. Oh, you don't get high online no more. You know, I can't get hired late in the morning no more because I got 22 things to do at 9.30.

And I can't walk into these places with my eyes red. I walked into the daycare once at four. They told my wife, he stunk like fucking weed. I can't fucking walk into a school smelling like fucking weed. I got to deal with parents and whatnot. So your priorities change so you learn how to work smarter. And at the end, I wish somebody told me this when I was starting, that it's working smart.

It's working all day, but working smart. I get more done in eight hours than most people do in a week. I can do more in eight hours. I have everything written down. I just spew it. out and I'm done for the week. I love living like that. Yeah.

Everything after my Wednesday and the rest of the week I have done to do, but maybe work out. I got the same thing. My son goes to school. It gets on the bus at 8. He gets home at 3. Off the bus. It's right in front of my house. I know from 8 to 3.

I got to get all my shit done. I got everything done. So when he gets off that bus at 3, it's all, we're hanging. Whatever he wants to do, wherever he wants to go, whatever. So I just know, get all that shit done. I got that window. Don't fuck it up. And yeah, by Wednesday, I'm done with all my shit.

I got my kid Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I'm doing gigs or I take the time off or do whatever. And I get all my shit. Yeah. And I was never, I never had discipline like that. If you were never good in school with discipline, I'm sure you weren't either. You just got by. You're like, whatever, I cheated on whatever I could just to fucking, you know, get Cs and Bs just to get by.

It's tough to have that discipline later in life. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if you're a good student, you will, you know, even your 20s, you're going to be focused and stuff. I was never. I'm just like, all right, I'll just. I was just lazy about it But then as you get old

You realize all right I got to have some structure And that didn't teach me in school Because I didn't care I didn't want to be there I was just interested You know Some of the stuff I was interested in

You know But most of the stuff I was I'm like I don't give a shit This I'm never gonna need geometry Ever in my life I'm never gonna need algebra I don't give a fuck about this Would you have gotten into an art school

When you were in high school If they had one available to you And like Yeah Like right now Where I went there school to have a school you could go to yeah it's a as a communications high school is what they do podcasting they do plays they do a thousand fucking things and they don't have to take geometry

you know would you have gone to one without a doubt i wouldn't i didn't know i was in well i went to community there was a community college near me brookdale community college and they had a communications course they had tv they had acting classes you make your own videos your tv so i was like that's where i want to go so when i got the college i'm like this is what i'm like this is what i want to do they had radio stations there they had you know local radio stations on campus to teach all that stuff so I loved it when I got there and that's what I really started applying myself like yeah it's what I want to do it does it makes a huge difference if you're interested in it if it's something that you enjoy versus something that you feel like you have to do I always enjoyed movies

but I never saw me in them right like I always enjoyed movies and I had a secret uh dream to be in movies, but I just never thought I was good enough to get them, or I didn't know where to start. I didn't know anything about an acting class. I knew nothing about casting people, and nobody ever told me. And I was always too scared to ask. I didn't know anything about it. I just knew that I wanted to get into movies. And then when I was 21 or 20, I met John Link, and he was a big time editor. He edited it like Above the Law, Commando. I met him in Aspen, and I became friendly with him, and I would just tell him, put me in a movie. And he would go, are you fucking crazy?

You're retarded? I just can't put you in a fucking movie. And then I met another friend of mine who had a friend that was a camera guy out here. So I would torment him. But I never knew anything about this shit. I didn't know how to get started, who to ask. I always thought stand-up comics called a place and said, hey, I'm coming down there, tape me. And that's a special.

I didn't know that there was any work involved. I didn't know they had a workout material. I didn't know any of that shit. I just thought they went down there and did an hour just like that and just went home. And that's the only time they would do it. I had no idea about what went into it. Yeah, when I went to the college, I started taking the acting class in there. Because I'm like, I wanted to be in that kind of, my dad was an accountant and all that stuff.

And he was more of a numbers guy. And that's what he wanted me to do. I'm like, that's not my thing. My brother's in the real estate. I'm like, that's not my thing either. But when I started acting in the radio and the TV stuff, I'm like, that's what I want to do. So I started taking acting classes in college. I mean, a couple of my buddies that I grew up with,

we all went to the same school, which, you know, we took the same classes. So we'd go commute. It was only like 20 minutes away from us. And then we'd, every acting scene that we do, we always made sure we can drink in it because we were fucking, you know. So we'd always have that championship season. I remember it was one where they're drinking.

We always take scenes where we're fucking getting drunk because you're allowed to do it. And if that was part of the scene. So we'd have two, you know, 12 pack of bud cans. And then we'd be five. fighting and all that shit so it was great and even that day I remember the teacher calls out like every scene you guys do you guys are drinking I'm like yeah if we can drink at school how fucking great is that my buddy had a bad tooth my buddy Kevin he had a bad tooth and he brought a an eight pack of of a bud nips into class and he didn't want to go to the dentist so he's drinking

in the back of the class his bud nips to kill the pain in college and nobody said he had the apay he had the tape back right on the table remember bud nips oh I love those things are great six case you got six eight packs in the case yeah six fucking apacks oh my god I love those nips and you know who had a better one quors oh they had the little ones too the little cans six ounces

oh yeah you had a little yeah you could fucking freeze them they would stay colder and you could just down them with one fucking and I hate beer yeah I hated beer back then really that's all we drank and I would buy an eight pack of cores and just crack it and just drink it and one fucking sip didn't even taste

like beer. That's why I always love Colorado. When I taste the cores, I'm like, wait a second, I got to get out the fucking Colorado. They know what the fuck I'm doing. But they used to, because Budweiser makes the eight-ounce nips. Miller made them, too. Yeah, they did. Miller had them. It was fucking horrible,

horrible beer. But the best beer I used to like nips was lone brow. Lone brow. Lone brow. He used to make nips. With that tinfoil on the fucking cap. He used to good friends. tonight is kind of special.

Blow him brow. So what the fuck you're doing in town? Really? Crankanches? Yeah, crankinges is coming back after 12 years on Comedy Central. That's cool. We had a run from 2002 to 2007 and got canceled. Who was on with you? Jimmy Kim and Adam Carole that they started the show because they were on the man show at the time.

So the man show was kicking ass on Comedy Central and they go, hey, we have an idea to do prank calls and recreating with puppets. So they gave them, Comedy Central gave them, six episodes right off the back guaranteed them which is rare before it even had so they go and then they heard my shit on howard stern because i had these prank calls i'd mess with 10 around with telemarkers he was playing i'm like we want that dude to be on our show and i remember my manager telling me go hey man they want this this new show on comedy center are going to make prank calls with puppets and they like your calls they don't want you to be part of it i'm like that's

fucking that's probably the worst idea every all as i thought about is my comic friends making fun of me i'm going to be on this show and it's going to be fucking horrendous he's like look they're guaranteed success. I go, I'll do it, but I'm going to get fucking shit. That's all I thought. And the show just took off. And I was the only unknown comic to do it. Everybody, you know, they just heard my shit. Like, you know, it was Sarah Silverman, Jimmy, Adam Carolla, Dave Chappelle, Tracy Morgan, Wanda Sykes, you know, Dane Cook, Dennis Leary, Dave Attell, Kevin Neillan. And I was like, I was plucked out of obscurity at that time. And that fucking, my career just took off from that just from making prank calls. I could be wrong, but,

That was like my height of like Comedy Central back then was the channel, it seemed like. It was huge because we were on right after South Park right before John Stewart. So it was a perfect spot on Tuesday nights. Yeah, that was a big show. I love that show. So yeah, 12 years later, they just decided it's going to come back 20 episodes on Comedy Central. So I was out here. 20 episodes.

So I just did a whole recording session just the other day out here. I'm going to go back, do some more. because I do two characters on the show. So that's fucking great. I'm like, I'm a middle-aged man making prank phone calls. I was burping into their phone two days ago, drinking a Diet Coke and burping.

And I'm like, this is fucking, this is beautiful. How is my son ever going to go to college? How can I ever tell him to go? The union and education. It's great. Now they've got to bring back the heavy metal show. That's what I'm hoping, because Viacom's bringing back all these old shows,

like on MTV and all this stuff because they realized that they just, you know, got rid of all these shows that were pretty popular and then put new shit on. They have none of their shows have gotten ratings in years. So now MTV, Comedy Central, and hopefully VH1 does it at some point, brings back shows that actually got ratings.

So you never know if that metal show comes back because that was part of Biocom family on BH1. I mean, they just got rid of it. Dumped it. And, you know, it was a corporate thing. Viacom was losing a ton of money. Nickelodeon was their cash cow. And kids just started watching fucking cartoons on iPads and and shit like that.

So they stopped watching there. And that was it. And then when John Stewart left and then Stephen Colbert left that hour or, you know, whatever, that window, the Comedy Central's ratings just went in the shitter. And that was part of Viacom. So when they came in, they just got rid of the whole VH1 classic channel. And our show was the only original show on there. So it wasn't because we weren't getting ratings.

They just needed to make major cuts. How long was the heavy metal show on 12 years, right? No, it was on for eight years, 130 episodes. We did. It was insane. It's the greatest because it was the only original program. So it was just on constantly. Like if you look at true TV,

Impractable Jokers is on all day, all night. And that's the exposure we got on BH1 classic. So it was perfect for us because we were constantly on TV. Every time you turn that, you know, there was another show on with Slash or whoever we had. That's awesome. Yeah. So, but look, I mean, that's, you know, it's an obscure.

that music is not that popular, so it couldn't be on a regular channel. It couldn't be on Fox after the voice. Well, you know, if we're interviewing, you know, LA guns or something like that,

that's, it's a small market for that. So that channel was perfect. It was a little shitty channel, channel like 361 on VH1, on your, you know, direct TV.

No one bothered us there. No one gave it, gave a fuck. There's no more music shows, though, really on TV. Yeah, you got the voice and all that shit.

Right, but yeah. And I want to see that as much as I want to see fucking porn. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to see that shit. Yeah. You know, I grew up on the Midnight Special.

I grew up on Don Kirsch's rock concert. I grew up on fucking American Bandstand. They had time for all these type of shows. Soul Train. How long was fucking Soul Train? Is Soul Train still on? No. No.

Don Cornelius is dead and buried. Yeah. But now it's like, I want to see a show where they just got rid of what's his name show. Didn't they? He just taped his last show. that was a music show young bands at night NBC oh Carson Daily Carson Daily He's doing it

So he's gone Well do you think Because before it used to be like 18 to 36 Was the big age group you needed to get Do you think it's getting older Like maybe like 28 to 48 Like those people still have cable And like those are the people who used to watch

Crankank anchors and are going to watch it again Now that it's coming back out Like I think maybe like the young kids They're not watching TV so let's make stuff for people who actually are. But, you know, if a band release a video, they'll still, they'll get like, you know, three million views in a day and a half.

If they're popular, you know, it's on YouTube. Yeah, they're watching it somewhere else. So people are still watching it. You know, they're like, why would you make a video anymore? No one's watching, they are. I mean, you look at, like the Slipknot has a new video out,

there's 45 million views after a week. Dang. You know, so you, people will still see it. But I think it's, I think, you know, music's not important to people's lives. There's way too many distractions. If we had these phones where we were kids, we probably wouldn't have been into heavy metal.

We wouldn't be sitting in on a Friday night reading it back of the lyrics of a Black Sabbath record because we were bored. We had nothing else to do. They got so much distraction on that phone. They don't give a fuck about music. You know what I mean? Because there's too much information there. There's too much entertainment on that. So the music's not important to people anymore.

So that's why there's not going to be a music show because nobody really gives a shit. You know, a young generation, like, ah, it's just music, whatever. I know I could text you know six of my friends right now we're in a mass text just fucking bullshit and back and forth

people don't go to Dorfman from Nashville was telling me he went to see the Grateful Dead in Boulder there was just a bunch of rich kids with dead shirts on didn't know the music didn't know anything it's like Coachella a bunch of people go to those shows and they don't know what's going on

they just go to walk around they pay a thousand bucks whatever it is for those fucking tickets they do whatever drugs they do and they just fucking walk around I don't know I don't know what happened to music I can't put

you know it's listen I'm I'm happy for guns and roses like I'm happy for all those bands that are still touring but isn't it fucking weird that dirty years later

I mean this is it we have guns and roses that's it I mean you went to see Bob Seeger Elton John's making this goodbye fucking tour run but and bands are touring i mean that's the only way for them to make money they're making a fortune

bipes now that you heard the figure that kiss made so far this year yeah they the first leg or the second leg first leg or like first leg are like 57 million a fucking amazing you had a gross like over a million dollars and now all the bands are doing the bip packages if you want to meet them because they're not getting the record sales anymore you know so they're not getting that money from from everyone buying a million. People, bands would sell a million copies in the first week. You know, they, they hit gold, which is 500,000 sales. Every, like Judas Priest would put a record out in 1986.

Within two weeks, it was already, they sold 500,000. Now, the only bands that will sell 500,000 or a million records are like Kanye, Jay-Z, the Fu Fighters, and, you know, a couple of the bands. That's it. No one sells that many records. You're lucky to sell 100,000. When you would sell 2 million, You're lucky to sell $250,000.

So they charge extra for the tickets. That's why the concert tickets are so much. And they have a VIP thing. If you want to meet the band before, get a picture with them. Sometimes they'll do, you can go to the sound check. Sabbath had a thing last tour, their last tour where you can watch the sound check. It was part of a VIP package. And so they play like three songs, which is great.

I mean, I got hooked up. So me and Jim Norton went and we watched the sound check. I took my son to see the sound check. He fucking saw Iron Man. It was me, Jim Norton. and my son and like five other people was fucking great. So that's how to make money.

But that's why all these bands are out there, you know, because there's so much money to be made. So they're going to keep touring all these old bands. Like, holy shit, look at this. Elton John, I paid 350 bucks for a ticket. Bob Seeger, I paid $3.10. Who are you looking forward to see this summer?

Anybody that's coming around? You know, I've seen everybody a million times. I'm getting at a point where, you know, Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson are torn. I'll see that. I'm a big Slipknot fan I really like the energy in that band and my son loves them

it's his favorite bands so we're gonna go see them I'm gonna go see Ted Nugent is playing right near my house Uncle Ted Where He's playing at the Starland Ballroom In Sayerville, New Jersey

No shit Yeah Yeah so I can't wait I saw him about two years ago He's great He doesn't really talk politics in a show You know he says But it's just fucking

You know opens up with you know Free for All Goes into dog eat dog Fucking it's phenomenal What was the last time you saw Ted? About two years ago I saw my BB Kings in New York City. And he was phenomenal.

Phenomenal. So great. And you're going to see the Stones. Going to see the Stones. Where are at? Stones are playing MetLife Stadium with the Giants and Jets play. Would you drop for the tickets? I didn't get a ticket yet.

They're playing two nights. So I'll just, you know, I'll get them the couple of the day of. I looked last week. They're up there. Yeah. You go on Stubhub. I'll usually get tickets off Stubhub. You know, I'll get them there.

And then, you know, a couple days before or whatever. So, yeah, I'm going to go see the stuff. saw the stones already, but, you know, this will mix 75, so I'm going to go see them, I'm going to go see Slipknot. Corn and Allison Chains are torn in the summer, so I'll probably go see that show. Nothing that really

sticks out for me. I know, who's Judas Priest out with, or they're not? They're doing a bunch of festivals. I just this festival down in North Carolina. There's a new band that I saw down in North Carolina. I like this band called Dirty Honey. They're out of Los Angeles. they're cross between like old Arrowsmith,

a little Zeppelin and Guns and Roses. They just have an EP out. They're really good. I saw them at some festival a couple of weeks ago. They got some heat. They only got five songs out, but they got that old school sound. The key is, like there's a band,

Greta Van Fleet that sounds like Zeppelin. If the young kids can get into these new rock bands, because the guys are young and the band, they're 21, 22. If this new generation of kids can get into it, that will bring that music back. right now you got a bunch of middle-aged dudes going to watch 20-year-olds play

shit that sounds like Zeppelin. You're not getting that younger generation. You're not getting a 17-18-year-old kids that are in the band Gretavan fleet who are selling like 6,000 tickets. They sell out in two seconds, whatever. And there's all these other young bands. So if you get that young generation into that,

the rock music will come back. You need that because someone's going to have to do that. Like it's just, you know, when you go see Guns of Rose, maybe you'll bring your kid because they know Paradise City and welcome to the jungle. But that's what, that's what we're growing up,

you know, our older brother, my older brothers got me into that stuff. So we got into it young, you know, ACDC and going all those shows. But right now,

any new band that's coming out, that's got some heat, that's pretty good. It's just middle-aged dudes going to see them. I went to bands. I like, I still love music. I mean,

60% of my day is music related. I got music on in the house or whatever. But for me, going to concerts was a social thing. like it was for my buddies and we'd plan it and we'd get a bag of reefer and god knows what else it was a social thing yeah you know again now I'm gonna go see the stones maybe up in Pasadine and August I'm not sure yet but I don't know if it's that much of a social thing for kids anymore like we were up on that like I went to see prints for 15 bucks of the club like the kids I grew up

but we're into that. I had kids, I had friends that that's what they did. Like Mauritia Alvarado, that's what he does. He goes to concerts every night. He goes to see whoever. He don't give a fuck if it's Aretha Franklin,

Def Lepp, Devo, punk, you know, when you're just a fan of music, like I was a fan of music. You said something interesting that was earlier. Growing up, you had the jocks in the heads. I grew up with jock heads. Like we lifted weights.

We ran. We ate good, but we also snorted coke and fucking smoked. Oh, yeah. See, we didn't. I went to concerts. Like, we were one of those people. We would lift before we'd go to a concert. Like, yeah, we're going to lift till six.

Go home, take a shower, and then go to the concert and get a gram a blow. Like, we did all that shit. But we were a combination head jocks. Like, there was no heads that they didn't like the jocks. No, we smoked dope. And we fucking tackled people. Yeah, we know it was the jocks and the burnouts. The burnouts, that's what they call.

The guys that smoked outside, the smoking section in between class. We were to burnouts. We were guys with the Aussie shirts and the Judas Priest shirts. And then the jocks were the guys that all played sports. And they usually got the hot chicks. We get some of those burnout chicks. There would be a couple, you know, that came from a broken home. You know what I mean?

And like, all, cool, you know, and there wasn't that many of them. But, you know, so the jocks always got the hot chicks. And we're just, you know, we're wearing concert shirts every. every day to school and, you know, no girl's like, yeah, I don't even know what Judas Priest is. You're just weird. How was your show last night with crazy Kate? It was great. I love Kate. How's crazy Kate doing this? She's, she's doing, she seems very zen. She seems like, you know, no, I love Kate, man. I got a special place of my heart for her. She's, she fucking, she's out there, you know what I mean, busting her ass every night. She's like a dude.

She just fucking, I don't care. Give me a stage. Give me a stage. No problem. I'll do my jokes, doesn't bitch. Low maintenance. She sees it for what it is. Yeah, low maintenance on the road. Does it just like, all right, if this is what I got to deal with,

this is what I got to deal with. You know, hecklers, whatever. So, yeah, it was great, you know. And when do you go back

to the big, bad fucking apple? I'm going back tomorrow, well, tonight on a red eye. That's it. Going back. I got a show

with Sam Tripoli tonight. We're doing some, I don't know, some naughty show thing somewhere. You know, hit a red eye. I got my boy tomorrow. That's it.

We hung out. It's fucking great. Yeah. And what are you doing for the summer? Besides these shows, you're going down the shore or all? Yeah, we got a family vacation in Long Beach Island. We rent the house every year. Our family, you've got one like right on the beach.

We all chip in. There's seven of us and all the kids and all that stuff. No, no parents, but, you know, my brothers and sisters, their kids. You know, so it'll be the first year. My mom passed away in November, 80 years old. So that I was like, you know, this would be the first vacation without her, which was so, you know, she always loved it and helped run and all that stuff. but you know um but yeah it's great and the kids you know the beach is right there we're in long beach

beach island they got the fucking rides and all that shit so it's gonna be great and the concerts and then my boy we'll just hang out you know i don't put them in in camp or anything like that i'm like no you play with your friends on the fucking block you wake up at nine in the morning i'll see you in a few hours you hang on my house they hang out their house it's fucking great they got sleepovers and all a shit you know they're in my basement going crazy how old your boy now he's eight he's eight It's turning nine, yeah. That's a great fucking crazy age. Oh, yeah.

You got them fireworks this year? Yeah, they'll actually sell them at the Walmart in Jersey. They'll sell not like the crazy stuff, but a lot of shit that shoots in the air. So you buy a whole thing of like a hundred bucks and we'll blow it. We'll, you know, shoot the stuff up in the air. He loves it. Yeah. Yeah, so we wait until it's nighttime.

We shoot it up, so we get a bunch of it all the time. He loves that stuff. I don't know. Yeah, I know. Probably not, you know. Like a pack of fireworks. I remember being like 35 cents. 35 cents, exactly.

And there was like 20, 20, 25 crackers in or something. Yeah. I'd bang them out for a dollar. The sticks were 50 cents, bang them for a dollar. We'd buy a big bag of weed off this dude. Yeah. Yeah, my brother's friend was dealing in high school. He would just come in a brown bag or just weed and just, you know,

selling it to people right in the hallway. And then we buy it and then we roll up joints and we sell the joints for three bucks. You know, me, we'd make like two bucks on the joints. We'd sell 10 for, you know, because we'll come on, man. I'm like, hey, man. It's 10 joints, $22. Because usually a joint was a dollar back in the day. Yeah, so we'd get like $22 for 10 joints.

Dude, you're going to buy it off some guy in the street. You're going to go to New York to get this shit. Just give me the fucking money. And then we'd walk to 7-Eleven with a bottle of Southern comfort and drinking along the way and go buy porn magazines. In high school? Yeah, high school, yeah. Grammar school.

Who gives a fuck. Around 8, 9, 10. I smoked my first weed at 12 years old. I was at a concert and they were passing along. they did. It just passed it along. My brother's with me. I'm like, can I? He's like, yeah, right. I'm fucking, I was high at 12. It's beautiful.

What date you got coming up? Anything good? Uncle Vinny's June 1st, Point Pleasant, New Jersey. We were talking about there before. And I'll see you August. You'll be around? Yeah, I'm going to be around. I'm not going back to Jersey until August. I only fly in that day. Yeah. I'll be in D.C. that Friday. So I don't even get the I'll be down there. I'm going to come down that night.

You're in August 10th. And in my comedy special, I got the house is out. What did that come out? That came out a couple months ago. You can stream it on Amazon Prime or it's on iTunes. It's all about my divorce. And you released it yourself? I released it myself. Good for you. You don't need to own a whole fucking thing. Yeah, you don't need nothing. It doesn't matter. I tell people it's

everywhere but Netflix and I don't care. Like if I can't get a Netflix deal, it doesn't matter. And you own your shit? You know how much money you're going to make on this shit when you own it five, ten years from now? People fucking will find you. They'll find it. Everybody can find it. Everybody can find it.

They'll find you. And my podcast is every Monday, comedy metal midgets. That's a podcast or a serious show? No, that's what it's called. My podcast is called Comedy Metal Midgets. My Serious show is called Metal Midgets. Now when does a Syria show come out? Every Thursday.

Okay. And they replayed a few times during a week. I said, I'm lost, but I usually catch it on Sirius. And like I said, last Sunday I caught it. And you played something tremendous by priest. And I was like, fucking that's tremendous. I forgot all about it. I think it was one of the songs in the live album.

Unleashed in the East. Studio, though. I think it was... Oh, maybe Running Wild? Something you played. It was something priestly. Right. But fuck it.

Always a pleasure to have you. Thank you, man. Thank you very much for coming out. I want to thank Jim Florentine for coming on the show. And don't forget, motherfuckers. Tickets are almost sold out for June 1st at the Ice House working out with Uncle Joey. We also have the Fillmore Theater in New Orleans on June 7th. and the Tabernacle Theater in Atlanta, Georgia on June 8.

Tickets still available for the Fillmore Theater in New Orleans and for the 8th at the Tabernacle. Come on down, bitches. I want to give a shout out to our sponsors. The church is brought to you by Manscape. Listen, Uncle Joey's here to tell you something. The suffering ends now. You ever ask your girlfriend or your wife

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They got fucking bats. They got kettlebells. I can't help you with that. As far as the supplements, the protein powders, the beef jerky, the jerky, the fucking ultra, the shroom tech's immune, the shroom tech fucking, what's the other one? Sport, sport, which will give you more oxygen. On it is the way to go. Let me say it.

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so I want to thank Jimmy I want to thank the fucking Christkiller but I want to thank you motherfuckers for always being solid I'll see you back here Thursday morning ready to rock it's the end of the month bitches get your shit together if you're going to be alive this is the week to do it now go get yourself one kick this motherfucker Mule Lee