The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #689 - Cory n Chad The Smash Brothers

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

Cory n Chad, are identical twin brothers and stand up comedians known as The Smash Brothers. You have seen them on Showtime and Fox. Today they join Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/church to get your first month for just $5.      

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A little VM-X for you. Whether you're black or not start jumping. Oh shit. It's gay pride month. Suck a dick. You know what I'm saying? Oh, oh, that's how rough Friday's bro. What?

Monday, cock's up. The third of June. The rent is due. Don't just sit there and look at your fucking computer screen. Stinges want to try. The stichers want to lie. The stintches want to ride. All I know is pain

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I want the version with fucking niggas I want everything, you understand me They're trying to fucking edit me head at me. Forget about it now. Welcome to the church of what's happened now, you bad motherfuckers in-house. I got Corey and Chad, aka the Bamb brothers, AKA,

many fucking A-K-As. I got the Christ killer, the spokesman for Auschwitz, and your Uncle Joey's here throwing motherfucking heat. If you're gay, LBGT community, happy fucking Pride Month. Go out there, put a wig on, suck a dick, be free. Who are we

to stop you? You know what I'm saying? Who gives the shit? Fuck Alabama. You don't need abortion anyway. Just suck that helmet, motherfuckers. What's going on with the Batch brothers? Talk to me. Man. On the road. On the road, doing good. Actually, living the dream lately. Doing real good. Life's been good.

That's it. Man, just got back from the South and we're happy to be here with you, bro. How was the South? It was great. Comedy-wise. Good. Nashville. We did Zanis. Always a good town to do that in. And then we did South Arkansas and Looney Bend, the Comedy Clubs. But Nashville's always a good club.

We like going to Nashville. Zanies is a good club. country music hot chicken chad was shit in blood for a week after we'll never eat that shit again what the hot chicken yeah they dip it in fucking lava yeah and i literally it's shit blood for this there's some chicken that you taste and you go this chicken does not need to be this hot yeah the place they deliver from yeah the place that uh zanis gets a they're a great club yeah yeah and the the best chicken in town bring comes in on saturday and brings you chicken with i forget the name with baddies uh hady hady bees yeah bees well they have chicken they have chicken that it's spicy but it's it's I want the taste of the chicken you know they roast it just

right yeah you feel the juices in there they took me to a place where the chicken was just unbeatable when it's uneatable I don't need that much fucking spice when I did hot wings they had the first seven uh spices were fucking delicious they really wore great different dipping sauces the eighth one was delicious but it just blows your fucking mind off you know what man that's when you're 18. When you're 28, you can't, you can't, you can feel the blood pressure going up. The back of your head feels like you're going to fucking die. I used to have a cat that would always eat ice cream. Oh, yeah. That brain freezes in the middle. And he just look at me like his eyes are rolling back to the back. And then he'd come back to life like nothing happened. And he'd start

me out for more fucking ice cream. I dated a chick like that was. She would fucking seizure out, but it was fun. She would wiggle during sex and shit. It was fun. I'm on with that. Good to see you guys. Good to see you. And you're still out there plugging it, regardless or what. No matter what. I told you guys two years ago it's a different animal out there.

You know, you guys being R-rated, how did the South feel? It was good because we didn't have to hold it, you know, even though we were a little worried about being so dirty in the Bible Belt. But actually, the dirtier we got, the crazier they got. And it was great. We didn't even have to hold back at all. And the clubs told us our alcohol sales were the highest all year. So that tells you one thing. It's good for the club.

People want to go out, let loose, and here's some crazy shit. And he said their alcohol sales were three times what any other headliner they had. So fuck it. We'll take it. When you guys go on the road and did anybody warn you about the Bible Belt and say, it's a different animal? How did you feel about it? Yeah, well, that's what messed our heads up. We listened to everybody.

Everyone told us, yeah, you guys better tone it down because they've been seeing our newer shit. Yeah, we're dirty. But I don't think it's the material we have now is as dirty. but we were warned and it was it was the polar opposite but i think the times have changed like when we were down there people people were just ecstatic to have live comedy in in little rock arkansas they were just happy and the acts i don't know about the previous acts but we came in strong with high energy and they appreciated it i went did a tour of the bible belt in 98 and i listened to what they said and took it to heart and i fell between the fucking

you know, I bombed everywhere. Like every room I went to, from Clark, Tennessee, I would start off strong. I would start off strong. I mean, the first 13, 12, just phenomenal. And then I'd lose them, and then there was no coming back.

And I got discouraged. I ate a bag of Dixon Atlanta at that club. I had a bag of Dixon, Charlotte, you know, in the late 90s creative, had all their runs with a Bible belt. I did the Little Rock had an improv, you know. You know what? The guys from Miami robbed the Miami Improv, the bartender and the manager got fired,

and then they decided to open up an improv. The guy was calling me until about a year and a half ago. One of those guys that's a, he turned, now he was a comic. He went from being a photographer, a bartender, an actor. He was working at a comedy club, and some comic came in and told him he was funny. And he would call me and challenge me. Like, how long have you been doing comedy? I'm going to bust through in like two years.

And I was just to stay on the phone and go, whatever. But he opened up a club in Little Rock. That was just huge. That's where Ralphie broke the bed at the hotel. And they had a Hindu owner of the hotel. You know, they did, you know, Little Rock in 99, 2000 was not like the president that come from there. That was it. But the hotel close to, that they put Ralphie in, was one of those motel six.

is plus and they put them in the only way they could pay Ralphie at that time was by putting them in the penthouse of the hotel which was no bargain to nobody. Yeah. It was like on the third floor and it was like a bigger room and the first day he went in there he broke the fucking

box springs like when they first he opened the club where he was the second act so every time you went in there the owner of the hotel was the Hindu guy he would come out and look at you that a guy came you know yeah he came two weeks ago big guy, he broke bed.

And Ralphie never told me, so I had to find that on the road. Yeah, yeah. And that's the best time to call Ralph and go, Ralph, are you a little rock? Yeah, I killed. Yeah. I got a standing on made out with three chicks because before he met Lana, that was always his thing. Yeah. How did it go?

Oh, I fucking got a standing ovation. I made out with two girls. What made out with two girls? Who made out with two? You suck their pussy? Did you grab their titties? Yeah. He always made out with two girls.

So before Lana, when you, I would call him and go, how did this show you? go hold on you got a standing ovation and you made out with two girls fuck you cow go yeah i go so were you in little rock and he's like yeah yeah why i killed that club i killed it i said how about the hotel room did you kill that fucking bed ah fuck you yeah fuck you i didn't bet the bed was broken when i checked in that's what the guy didn't tell you and shit the bed was broken no ralphi i i almost broke the bed and i'm 200 pounds lilyly the bed's made out of bamboo What the fuck? He broke bed at Treasure Island and we had to go collect all the Bibles from all of our rooms and we made like a kickstand underneath the bed under Ralphie's bed when we checked out.

No, you didn't know. Yeah, we stole all the Bibles. I left it. Yeah. He's all, just make my bed. They'll never know. Yeah, he's, uh, come on. He's, let's smoke one and figure out how we can fix this bed.

And I go, we don't need to smoke one. We just go get all the Bibles, baby. We'll fucking, we'll jack this bed up, put four Bibles there. We're out. Let's go. He snapped it. What's crazy to me that you're telling me is, that we're living in a time right now

where it's a PC culture on paper because this is what I'm finding out. It's a PC culture for those who want to choose that culture. There's still tons of people left like guys like us that speak from the heart. We say shit that's a little off color from time to time. We may throw a racial slur in there, whatever, to give it some flavor.

Right. You know, and people take the ride. They know it's 45 minutes. Listen, I want to see John Wick. John Wick is not going to win an Academy Award. He killed 2,000 people in two hours. You walked out of there. You don't remember a thing.

I don't remember nothing about John Wick 3. I just know he killed a lot of motherfuckers. There was a couple of life scenes and shit like that. That's what stand-up comedy is. When you go see a R-rated comic, it's 45 minutes of whatever. Now, it's the 45 minutes you choose to give them. Because have you ever sat through 30 minutes of pussy jokes? Oh, yeah.

You want to shoot yourself. Yeah. You know, 10 minutes of comedy. sucking jokes you want to shoot yourself so you sprinkle it around and you're dirty and you're you add some wit to it something that happened in your life it's not a bad 40 you know red fox did it great if you listen to red fox he did an hour that shit and did it just fine you know so guys like you and i have a market but right now out of all the times going to america i would think that the bible belt was rough on you guys it was rough but i noticed the clubs were uh even zanis

who we performed for the dorphins for years they had us listed as triple r rated triple R rated, which is the first time for us. And so we laughed. And matter of fact, I took the poster from the club because it said triple R rated like fucking across the whole son of a bitch. And I go, I got to frame that thing and hang it up in the garage because triple R rated. But I think that the clubs are just trying to cover themselves by putting out this disclaimer. But it also keeps people away who may be too salty and can't handle real life shit. And we weren't worried about any me too shit.

We shot from the holsters. We didn't even pull our fucking pistols out when we were in Nashville or Little Rock. And especially Clarksville, those fucking people were riding emos and fucking donkeys and tying them up out front, you know, to the to the stable. I mean, we performed in some towns that purposely. We performed in towns where there's no alcohol. You know, they were so religious and so many churches, it was a dry. You couldn't go buy a tall can of beer. 30 miles, maybe.

For 30 miles. There was only one. They called him Dry County. Yeah, Dry County. We didn't even know this existed. Here in Hollywood, we could go get a tall can and some heroin in 650. Yeah. You know, but when we went there, there was no.

And the CBD. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But there's no alcohol. The only place that alcohol was where we performed. And before we got there, people were hammered. We knew when we walked in, we were signing asses the minute we walked in.

There's pictures on our Facebook. People go look at this. We were signing asses five minutes when we walked in. Like, they thought rock stars were there. I'm like, they haven't even seen us yet. They were just there to have a good fucking time. So those are the people that wanted to spend their money, worked hard, week, you know, they're farmers. They're people that do hard work. These aren't people that just

sit in an office. They don't even have a fucking Starbucks. They work for Netflix. Yeah, there's none of that shit. These are people that are digging holes. They're they're hardworking folks. Walmart and Tyson chicken, I guess Tyson's plants there. And so Tyson's a big employer there and so is Walmart distribution or whatever. So but they're hardworking people. They were just there to have a good fucking time. We feel them out in the first five minutes and we're not all about sex, but we just say there's no one that does what we do, you know? But we just tell stories about our childhood that people love to hear. You know, us getting arrested at 10 years old.

You know, all this shit for we got arrested at 10 for three felony count extortion at 10. I mean, that's a pretty good fucking lick at 10 years old for praying phone calls. Yeah. You know, we almost got away with 10 fucking thousand. Like legit, we had it. And then our friend, hey, it was his turn to go in. So he took the fucking hit for us. You know, that's what I'm saying.

If we grow up with you Lee, you just now be getting out of fucking prison. Yeah, for sure. But the Bible Belt loved it. You know, we were worried, you know, comics were telling us shit at the store. We went down there, but we just did what we do. And it was fun. How long were you guys gone for? That was a 10-day run.

And then the next one is coming up in Florida. We're doing Florida for 10 days. And then we're doing New Mexico and Northern California. We try to do, because he has two daughters. We try to do 10, 14 days, home for a week. Then we just do L.A. gigs, you know, whatever. And then we go for two weeks. That way, he's a part of his kid's life, you know.

So that's important. I don't have kids. I don't give a fuck. But you go out there for six months I don't care I live out there You don't give a fuck I love

I don't even care That's why him and I fight sometimes Because he wants to go make that money And I'm turning down a gig But I can't miss the Such and such dance Or the you know My two little girls are expecting me to be there

And Chad's always making fun of me I paint nails, braid hair I'm a bad motherfucker You know I get after it You know being a thing When you have a daughter It's you see it Like last night for the first time

She came up to me I was leaving and she wrapped around my leg and said I don't want you to go and I had to talk to her like for a couple fucking minutes and this morning I got up before she did and I went in my office I got my cup of cough and my wife woke up I talked to her for a few minutes I went back in the office I went to the fucking outside to hit the bong and when I came back in my room to the back door she was on the floor playing with the cat and I'm like what's going on what's going on she's like nothing I want to hang out you so I watched YouTube with that and then I wanted to get another cup of coffee and my wife goes she woke up and she asked if you were awake what's going on I don't know she's working me

and today as I was leaving she goes let me carry the back to the door for you so I looked at as I was leaving and I go listen I don't know what you're working me for I don't know how much this is going to cost me but whatever it is it's worth it yeah you're doing a great job it's worth it I love all that, but, Chad, the same stuff that you've experienced, same with me. And I got a two-year-old and an eight-year-old. So I missed a lot the first time around because Ralphie had us out like Chad was talking about. We were just excited and ecstatic that somebody was giving us that opportunity to be gone for six fucking months and literally not come home. Like if we did come home, it was just for a day or two because Ralph was working Wednesday to Sunday somewhere.

So you had Monday, Tuesday. But we sacrificed a lot during those times. now that things have changed over the past two years. Now we're doing it to where we're two weeks out, two weeks home. And sometimes we do three weeks, but I'd rather be home those two weeks. And I'm the room, dad.

I go to second grade and give every kid fucking dirty looks. Like I'll fucking kill every kid here if you fuck with my daughter. You know? It gives you a balance. Yeah. It gives you a, I'm balanced right now. Yeah.

I do a little writing. You work out a little bit. You do a podcast. You go to the store. You go to a fucking martial arts class with your daughter. You go to Menchies. I went to a recital today at 1230 at the church. Right.

You know, there's always something to do. Do I wish that I could go on the road like a renegade for a two-month tour? I would love something like that now. It sucks to take a plane and come back and take that plane and come back. It really does. And because I shot that movie, I was gone for 18 days. It was a little too long from one. what I expected, but when the movie comes out next September,

I'm gonna do a Wednesday through the next week tour. Do like nine shows and 10 days and come back and rest for 10 days. Right. Go back out. Sure. Do 10 days because those plane tickets are getting expensive. Oh, man. You just gotta bang out as many gigs in between those plane tickets.

If not, you know, when you figure that plane ticket out and figure it out in your payments for every night, you're like, okay, the plane ticket cost me $28 a night for me. me to do it. That's crazy. You said that's exactly what we do. That's how you have to think about it. You're a CEO of a business. Yep. There comes a time in comedy where the open mic and that one level is done.

There's that one medium level that you stay in, it's a limbo. It's a comedy limbo. You're featuring for people. You're getting paid well. You're doing a good job. But you're also headlining some gigs. And some people are telling you to your face. You can't work my club

until you get a credit. And other people and joy that you sell tickets and you know it's a lower end club or whatever right so you're going back and forth you need that one thing to push you over the cliff you need that just that one thing to push you over the cliff and we sit there and wait and then you go wait a second there's only one person who can push me over the cliff it's me if i want to take the jump so how do i get to that next level and that's what you guys are starting right now right book me for one night and let me prove my worth give me 70% of the door, whatever the fuck you want to give me,

and let me come into your room. Some nights you're going to take a bump. Yeah. Some nights you're going to take a hit. But if you go out eight nights, six out of eight nights, you're going to do well. That's four fucking winners.

You know, you balance that out. You know, you sell some t-shirts. And, you know, three of the clubs will ask you back. Three of them will next time. And you expected that. Right. As long as you know in going statistics, life is numbers.

You know, when that movie came out with Brad Pitt and the kid who was picking baseball. Oh, yeah. And they couldn't figure out. It's the same. Oh, moneyball, yeah. It's the same for comedy. You know, you want to become an MC, you got to do 1,200 sets. And then after you do 1,200 sets, that's why you write down your sets.

That's 300 sets a month times 10, you know, whatever. You're in the fucking game. Right. And then to become a feature is another 8,000 fucking sets. That's three years of fucking, you know. you're a blue belt and jiu jitza. You're a blue belt and jihitsu. Right.

Now you start headlining at the brown belt and black belt level. You've got all this experience on the year about, but you're a funny guy, but now you've got to learn how to monetize that. That's what you said exactly. We figured it out to the rental car, to the gas. We know exactly how you said 28 des off the top of it. But for us, it's two flights, two round trip flights, but we're getting paid as whatever one headliner gets. We're splitting it. So there's just like you said, we have to do those eight days like that.

because we're already losing money on the first four nights. Then we start making the money and we haven't figured out exactly. Like we know how many people are there. We can look out and go, we know exactly how much we wait. We don't even need to talk to the guy at the end of the night. We already know. Like we have it down to a science like you just said. And at first we didn't do that.

I'll be totally honest, we were just there. We get our free wings and our bullshit. No, nobody's there for that. But now we know. Now we know we have to fucking sell seats. There's a transition between art and business. And we dread it. It's the dreaded part of the business.

when you have to start making money. It's the dreaded part of the business. You put in your time. You've booked a couple things. You've worked with some pretty heavy headliners. You already know your way around. Your level goes up a little bit. Not a lot.

I still remember living in L.A. And getting 600 a week to do New Year's. Like Sarah and I didn't give me an extra fucking dime for New Year's, you know? And I knew she had an extra $10,000 a fucking budget. Right. But you're just happy to work. Yep. She gave you two weeks of the show.

That's $1,200. You didn't have to go no way. You have to pay for a hotel room. You can steal food from the club and alcohol. You know, you have it all down. You have it all down. $1,200. I could send three away, three for a plane ticket.

I still walk with the, you know, it's a numbers game real quick in your head. It's got to be quick in your head because they tell you, you're right there on the spot. And you're like, boom, it's going to work out. I'll make it work. Yeah, we'll sell shirts. We always say we'll sell merch. And what kills you now? is the flights yeah see 10 years ago was 200 to go anywhere yeah like I still remember going 50 yards

before you go to departing flights it's a it's a it's a uh jersey mics now right on century boulevard if you're on century before you go on departing flights look to your right you'll see jersey mics That whole area in there was called quick ticks, quick picks. You called them, they got you the ticket, and you had to stop there, take a number, and wait for them to call your number. You pay them $200, and they sent you anywhere in the country. That's when I used to catch fallouts.

I was a beginning feature headliner, and, you know, they call you Tuesday. You got to be there Wednesday morning. Right. They call you Tuesday at 2. That's a $1,000 ticket anywhere. But if you call them, they'd put you on a flight for $200, $1,80.

you didn't get no points. It was the back of the flight. You had to connect 18 times. You know, you were on Southwest Light. You had to start in L.A., go up to San Francisco, pick up three Chinese guys. Stopping Vegas, drop them off, go to Tempe, go back to New Mexico, shoot to Texas,

pick up some savages there, drop them off. You might as well go to New Orleans. Katrina just hit. And then you've got to go to West Palm, but they take it to Miami first. Yeah. Then to pick up the sound and then go up to West Palm. Right.

I remember being on a plane one time that left Miami at 10 in the morning and I got the Vegas at midnight. My luggage was drenched like it had been through hell. We had four stops. Oh, my God. On Southwest. Like Miami, Jacksonville, New Orleans, New Orleans to Houston to Houston to Vegas. They quit doing those red eyes. We used to take out of Burbank.

Southwest used to do these red eyes. You leave at 1045. then you get to Atlanta or something and then you take one more like we're going to Florida and we finally You know the the airlines just aren't doing those late night overnights anymore for cheap You'd get a here to Atlanta for three hundred two hundred and fifty bucks not anymore yeah us for us to go to we're doing west palm in July Oh, we paid fourteen hundred in round trip flights 700 each so you know what we're met's the back of the plane Yeah. Oh yeah we're not even sitting together we're not even southwest I have middle seat Delta and he does too we're two we're two

230 pounds it's not going to be a good time you know but we're just happy to have the gig seven each yeah yeah we're down that's no rental car our rental car's 400 so we're 2100 in the hole before we even do one gig yeah there so you know what i'm saying so it's like fuck you know we don't give a shit i'm gonna we're both fucking single we're on the road it's gonna be a good time my wife is going national with the baby i put her ass on southwest yeah what they want i don't even want to repeat what american airlines wanted for a coach seat in the one behind first class, what gives you more like growing. Yes, you can see with the baby or whatever.

I don't even want to tell you what that ticket was to Nashville. Wow. And for that one ticket, my wife got three tickets on Southwest. Direct flight out of Burbank. Burbank just started going to Nashville, Houston, and somewhere else direct. Yeah, that's great. Okay. Direct is important.

And I hate to take... Southwest is great for two hours. I have no qualm with Southrest. I'm a rapid reward. They're fucking always on time, their money. Five hours Southwest, you better have a fucking chiropractor and a voodoo doctor waiting for you

to untwist your spine. Because you can't even fit to your computer. Your iPad. You got to bring your own food because those peanuts, they'll fucking kill you. There's no food, not even an apple. It's not an apple. It's a long...

I made the mistake. one time they have a direct flight from here to Pittsburgh oh yeah I think I took a connector one time to save a few hundred to go to Buffalo oh my God that was the longest fucking day of my life a connecting flight six hours on Southwest which is now nine oh and you're walking through Chicago Airport for two hours yeah because it's huge friend yeah you have no fucking it's a workout I consider it fly day now workout oh we do a lot of walk out there yeah usually when I look at my spadama Weight Watch is I've walked 12 points.

I got to walk to Hollywood back to Sherman Oaks to get 12 fucking points. And I get them when I fly. I'm like, Jesus Christ. You get to the hotel room and then, you're like, I'm fucking wiped. Like your body is fucking wiped. And people don't get it. Like, oh, yeah. Come meet us at the bar.

Go fuck yourself. I've just been on a six-hour fucking flight sitting there breathing, fucking this air from 19 different Arab countries and God knows what else. Yeah, bird flu, swine flu. It's fucking horrible. You know, we're about in Vegas when they put you in the back of the hotel. What do you mean? Like your room is usually like way at the end of the hole.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I hate that shit too. And you got to fucking walk two miles to get a cup of coffee. You got to go down and get everything you need at one shot, rolling papers, everything. Smoke a joint, cookies, fucking. I don't mind the water. I don't mind any of that shit.

It's all part of the game, you know. That whole, when I get on a. plane I get a little bit anxiety when I'm taking a shower to go on the road I'm gonna leave my family I'm about to leave the girls once that Uber comes guys it's game face it's game face it's business I'm I'm an LAX I'm all business my heads up it's on a swivel I'm looking for ISIS I get through my fucking clear I get through there I give it enough time now you know 15 years ago I would miss more flights than anybody because I would challenge the system we got to be

there at one fuck this I'll sneak on you're not gonna sneak on they're not gonna let you on they're not gonna fucking play with you they don't fuck with you no more now you gotta wait there and stand in the line they don't care about excuses and I started getting that two hours earlier I got to fly next week five o'clock in the afternoon I'll be there at 3 30 oh yeah why not we we messed around a couple weeks ago and TSA caught us up and they pulled my brother to the side and they asked him if has he handled expectations And I was kidding, okay? I don't know why.

Don't fuck with those people. But she says, have you handled explosives today? And I go, just this dick. Let me tell you what happened. They fucking strip me to my underwear in another room. And I had to show the guy. I had nothing. They put these little swabs on your hands, put them in a fucking machine.

And I said, I would never, ever, ever joke again. I was totally. Listen, you work. Part of your job is flying. Yeah. And drive. And that means you can't drink and drive. No.

And do not. raise your voice. You know, Ralphie Mae was banned from Delta. Yeah, yeah. For Lifetime Band from Delta for kicking the counter. Because Ralphie got there half hour before the flight, and he thought he was Ralphie Mae and I shit. They were going to let him on the flight.

And he lost money. Yeah. He had to cancel the show. He kicked the fucking thing. They escorted them out. They called the cops. It's not, when it comes to fly and shut your fucking mouth. Yep.

I learned my lesson. I apologize to. Nothing to them. Nothing. I am prepared. I fly with sweats on, with a fucking t-shirt. I'm prepared.

I don't want to take off a belt. Nothing. I got nice socks on. I have the antifungal in my shoe. I have a bag in the fucking sleep apnea bag with everything. I wipe down the counter. I fly professionally. I don't even talk to the guy sitting next to me.

We don't either. I don't start a conversation with nobody. I got earphones on. I look straight ahead. And I have had tons of problems at airport. Tom Segura and me were talking. We were talking about that a few weeks ago. I used to have tons of problems in airports that today they will not tolerate.

Yeah. Today's market in an airport, they will throw you out of there quicker than shit. Oh, yeah. Same with being drunk. We really don't drink too much. But, you know, you see people getting shitty in those bars. They'll turn you away, too. They don't want to deal with your drunk.

Do they really? Yeah. This lady tried to get on. And she drank so much wine. Her lips were fucking purple. So much fucking wine. Looks like she's been sucking off 100 rhinocuses. She's purple and she's saying she's not drunk

And I'm like, you're holding up the fucking line Like hurry the fuck up They right off the plane They did not let her board the plane Because I think they're worried about them going fucking crazy in the air You know? How long have you guys been doing comedy for now? 16 years, it was this April

Yeah How does it feel to be starting kind of over again on your own? Yeah, well it humbled us actually Like I guess humble No, it humbled It knocked us down a bunch of pegs To where when we didn't have anything on the book

for like seven, eight months, like literally. I mean, we had our show in Ontario, but that... We mean weekend work. And then it was tough because, like, trying to call clubs and, like, we just struggled. So for six months, ten months after Ralphie passed, maybe a little, a year, maybe, it was, we're just now picking up work and it feels like we're okay. But that first six months, ten months a year... Well, I had to get a job as a fucking bouncer at a bar.

I mean, I haven't had a day job since 2006. And about a year and a half ago, I had to get a job as a bouncer at a year. bar i mean that was so humbling to go from making money every weekend to checking fucking id and getting recognized like didn't i see you on showtime with dice clay and i'm like yeah give me your id motherfucker like you know what i mean it humbled me but all it did really for us is make us hungrier come out with more material and don't stop because i didn't we didn't waste 16 years of our fucking life everybody waits for the bluebird happiness to kick the door down and take you up a level that's never going to happen unless you kick the level up yourself right i knew as a young comic

I had seen something when I first started. I had seen comics that come out here and there's nothing wrong with what I'm about to say. They latch onto a headliner and they think their problems are saved. It's a godsend and a painy ass at the same time. It's good and bad

because you have to learn how to treat it. I don't ever want to call you and you're like, hold on, I'm ready for the dates. that makes me look like you're not doing the work. I want to call you and for me to go, I got three weeks for you and for you to go, I could take two of those weeks to one week. I'm in Mississippi.

Now you've gained my respect. Right. Now you've gained my respect. You're like, oh, okay, it's that type of fucking party. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I told this to Martin Moreno five years before the thing.

Right. There was somebody else I told this two years ago and they didn't listen to me that, I want you to find different people to take you on the road. Like, I take different people on the road. I don't have one guy. I take different people.

I keep my eyes open. I'm watching on Facebook. I'm watching who's tweeting. I'm watching who's taking pictures at some shitty fucking comedy club and Elko Nevada. You know, I know what it takes to get to Elko. You can't fly first class to Elko. There's only one way to get there in your fucking little fucking miniband. Yeah.

You know, I'm watching. I know the people around me. I have friends that actually are struggling, to pay rent because they took that chance. They said no more day job, we're going to commit our lives to fucking comedy. That requires a certain type of respect. It requires a certain billy goat's stomach

because fuck, on the first, everybody's equal. Today, you, me, we're all equal. We're all equal. We got a whole month to cover. And I always say that on the first, we're all equal. Nobody's got a dime in the bank. You start from scratch. That's it.

and it's weird when you have the week of the 10th book and the week of the 18th, so you got your car payment and you got your student loan and groceries, but that week of the 28th is looking kind of bleak. And you don't panic, you don't rob a gas station. You really don't, because I've lived through it. I can tell you a thousand times,

where on the 25th, you have no idea how you're going to pay rent. And it's due on the first, but you really got to the fifth. That's funny. Because I'll pay it mine tomorrow. The rent is due on the first. Yeah. But motherfuckers that are struggling.

Ain't got a problem with paying you rent on the fifth. And we'll give it to you at 8 a.m. on the fifth. Absolutely. We're on the fifth, but you're never going to get it from less on a Saturday or Tuesday. No. No. We'll walk it in before that. We'll walk in.

So I've been in positions, and we all have. Yeah. Well, you're sitting there and, man, you're not suicidal. You're just like, I'm going to have to call my uncle and borrow $800 again. Yep. You know, I don't know how I'm going to do this. I could borrow two from Lee, so I have to borrow the whole eight from my brother. Right.

I could borrow six, and that's what's needed to pay the rent. And that's what we did. We got in the trenches and we started booking, and we took a bunch of one-nighters. We kept our regular weekends that we had, which we had when Ralphie was alive, you know, six, seven, eight weekends, three, four day runs. But we picked up a lot of one-nighters. And it worked out for us. At first we were like, you know what?

We may not make money, but it was like, like you said, just going in there, doing the one-nighter. If we got five one-nighters at five different clubs, if we get three callbacks out of the five and get a weekend out of that, then to us it was worth fucking losing $300 because of the connection for 2020. We're worried about 2020 right now. Yeah. That's what you're really? You're working for the next one.

We really are. You're right. I mean, we literally left the dirty show at Ontario. 10 o'clock at night. Flights were too much. We drove 22 hours straight to Richland, Washington to play Jokers Club.

We drove through the Sierras in a fucking snowstorm. With no sleeping, we just both stayed awake the whole time to save money on the flight. But the point is we did it just to get that weekend to keep the weekend so we'd get another weekend for 2020. That's how we're envisioning now. Whatever we got to do to make sure next year,

we made more money than we did this year. And that's all we give a shit about. We'll do whatever it takes. It's funny because I'm lining up 2020. Yeah. You know, like I'm lining it up in my mind. I got a movie coming out in September. Where do I want to go before that?

Where do I want to go after that? Right. What else comes out? What can I put around that to make that explosion bigger? Right. This is all planning. Like, yeah, it's 2019. But I'm thinking about when that's a Ponto movie comes out.

Right. What can I sprinkle around it? Do I come out with a book? do I come out with a documentary slash stand-up type thing you know the special thing has really gone away if you make a special now with a fucking camera from a comedy club and put it on YouTube

you're still going to get tons of love right the fact you got you might get might get my love you might get more love and respect you know yeah it's so funny how things have changed that you could create your own hype now you don't need NBC to create your hype or Montreal could create your hype I admire you guys because

you didn't give up. You know, I see you pounding that fucking Ontario show like motherfuckusiness. Yeah. And this is, it's a lesson that you learned. I know that you, I knew you guys would make it through.

After I spoke to you, I saw the change in your social media. Yeah. And how you were approaching things. And it's just, it's an approach. And not giving up, not giving up to the enemy. Hey, man, I had tons the fucking dry storms.

You have, it's peaks and valleys. Anybody who knows anything about life, it's peaks and valleys. And it's how to deal with it when you're in the valley. Right. The peaks will come depending, and everybody goes in the valley at one time.

And you got to look at yourself in the mirror and go, I could take the easy route and end up back here. I could take the easy route and end up back here. I can get a little fucking something for a few months, but I'm going to end up here. Let me take the hard route.

Get it over with. and I'll never be in this fucking position again. That's word for fucking word what we're doing right now. That's it. We're taking gigs that we haven't done in years, but for two reasons. We're writing material. We've been in a writing material phase for the past six, eight months where we're not doing the same set. Even when we were on tour, we purposely were trying to do two different 45 minutes sets

because we're out of that 90 minutes will probably have a 45 minutes, 40 minutes. You know what I mean? So we're weeding stuff out. And we weren't worried about it in the Bible Belt because fuck, some of these people don't even have internet or TV. Yeah. And they told us this is their first live show they've ever seen. Like these are people that had one stoplight in their fucking town. So they were just excited. There was an entertaining show in our fucking town tonight.

Like it was amazing. So we didn't care about on our side. Hey, we're going to throw shit out there. They're just happy to be here. So it worked out for us. It was like the greatest gym we could ever go to. And we booked the whole tour like that places that if the comedy club wouldn't book us, We looked up the biggest rock venue, the biggest country.

It was a lot of country saloons. So we're going through Alabama later in September, October, in towns where probably comedy's not done. But we're going in there. Ticket sales are medium right now, but we'll punch it up before the gates come. The summer's not even here. Nobody's even thinking about September. Go shoot yourself now.

We're thinking about fucking June and getting your dicks up. That's right. Yeah. Jumping up and down. Nobody's worried about fucking September right now, especially right now. Yeah, but we're coming out. Yeah. Kids don't even want to hear the words.

No. But we've been multitasking like that. And it's been good. And it made us hungrier. You know, after we had our little hang out with you and you inspired us. And Chad and I just sat down for literally a week and just wrote down notes and notes. What can we do to attack 2019? Well, we did.

We attacked 2019. We got about 25 cities that were hitting this year. And, but we also did something different that no comic that we know I was ever done. We started thinking, how can we make money? without performing. So we went to a local brewery where we live and we came out with our own IPA. All these new beers.

It's a big popular thing. We have our, and the name of our tour is the two-headed monster tour. So this guy created our own beer. It's bottled called the two-headed monster IPA. It sold at Ontario Improv, Braia Improv, and we're selling beer. We're not even fucking there.

Our picture is on the fucking tables and we're not even fucking there. Like, no one else thought of that shit. We beat you to the punch. Yeah. Because we stick them up, kid. We're here first. So that's what we're doing.

And we're selling our own beer. The video comes down and it's a commercial of us. I mean, that's fucking great. And no one else was doing it. So that's why we've sold ourselves. We've got to do something different. No one wants to give us a chance since we're going to. Nobody's going to assume.

We're taking it. You have to assume in this life that nobody's going to give you a chance. You have to assume. You have to go, you know what? People are going to throw Shane on me. You know, Dan from Brayette was great to me, Mitzie Shaw. Yeah. Jan from the Ice House.

The other guy from the house house, Bob. Right. They were good to me. Everybody else was according to your credits. And I know who those people are. And today I treat them a certain way. And if they want to give me money, I'll take it. I'm not going to be a hypocrite.

It's forgotten about. But I know who's there in the beginning. Right. It's weird because when I went home, I sat across from people a couple nights at different dinners. And while I was eating dinner with them, I looked at them and I go, these people were my friend before I ever sold the ticket.

these people were my friends before I even thought about comedy. These people were my friends when they were getting abused for being my friends. Like they were getting abused for fucking hanging out with a junkie who just robbed their friend's house and all this shit. And it made me think of a story I told on one of the RRI shows about my mother had a friend as a writer and they were always tight for years. And my mother had a couple different friends. I didn't, you know, I paid attention to them. I liked her because she always gave me 50, bucks and you know and she always did coke in front of me and I like that as a kid she did

coke anywhere at church in a restaurant and a hotel on the beach she would just do a blast just to get a reaction out of you and you'll be like and I would just like what the fuck yeah but she really came through my mother's last two years on this planet my mother was struggling and now she started she was a drug dealer in Manhattan she had her own little spot in Spanish Harlem and she She made millions. And she started coming over to Jersey at night. I didn't really know what was going on. They weren't lesbians or nothing, but they were just dear friends.

She would sleep on the couch, and they would go to the track together, and then one day my mother died. And, you know, in reality, my mother had a brother, my mother had an ex-husband. She was the first person I called, and she came over and set up the funeral. We went and identified the body together, and she picked out a dress for her. And then it was her against my stepdad. and she knew my step that had shot people and had been a criminal. She didn't give

a fuck. She took control of the wake. She started throwing people out of the wake. She choked the fucking funeral director for putting the wrong dress on my mother. I mean, it was fucking classic. But then she did something that went the ordinary. She made a promise at the wake that she would take care of me. And I was like,

you know, this is why my mother's wake taught me a lot about life. That's why you never see me at funeral. Yeah. Because I can't deal with him because in my heart I want to go up to people and go, you know what, Ralphie didn't like you and you didn't like him. Get out of here. You didn't like Ralphie either. You accused him with doing this.

Get the fuck out of here. You got to go too. I'm one of those people. So before I go and start throwing people out and calling people and starting a fistfight, I don't go to those things because it goes back to my mother's funeral. I lived it. I lived people who said to me, if you need something, call. And after my mother died, they changed their phone number. but Zerida was my mother's friend

She would she would come over and give me $200 every Sunday And she'd bring me over a nickel bag And if I was in a rut I would go into the city and she'd give me cash Then I started getting blow from her and then it went sideways And one day I stopped talking to her One thing that she did was She called out my dad on the On the uh

The headstone She called my dad personally and said What's going on with the headstone? And he goes, well, we have to let it sit. Let the concrete settle, the ground settle. And she's like old school Cuban. She's like, what the fuck are you talking about? You got 30 fucking days to go over there and put a headstone down there.

60 days came. My stepdad never did it. She took a yellow cab from Spanish Harlem and went to his business and got out of the cab and started calling him a cunt. He didn't even have the decency to buy her a headstone. So she went and bought a headstone and put from your son and your best friend and your sister And she put the headstone out and I always remembered that story When you called me three four months ago

And told me that Ralphie didn't have a headstone I wanted to kill myself because I had forgotten about my situation with my mother Like I never even thought about a fucking headstone Yeah, I don't know if you guys understand how bad I felt for a week or two after that. Like I wanted to go to anybody Ralphie helped and just put a bullet

in their fucking head, including his management, all the people who took money out of his pocket, his agents, all these so-called helpers and whatever. Like, I was fucking angry.

Like, and I was angry at myself. I was angry at myself because I never asked. I don't want any connection with his wife at all. Like I saw what he went through before he passed and from heaven

or hell or purgatory or Arby's and he's looking down. I don't ever want him to think I crossed him and talked to that woman. When she was looking for money for the documentary, I pretty much shut her down because I knew exactly what she was going through. She wasn't doing that to honor his memory.

She was doing that to put $2.50 in her pocket from Netflix or so she thought. Right, right. Which is why you put a special together. So when I heard that they were putting a special together and nobody even thought about a fucking headstone i was just blown away well we didn't know either till uh i asked us and family members i go hey send me a a picture of the headstone i'd love to i don't know why i wanted to see it but i'd love to see it i said you know and everyone's like

everyone kept saying no we don't have one yet well a year went by a year and some change went by and i his birthday certain days we'd like hey you know the facebook memory would pop up and we're in so-and-so town with them. So it always every day we'd think about it and we'd call each other and then there was a little piece of plastic and it just said Ralphie May like a little like a laminated grade school kid thing on a stick. You know and I was like we can't have this

you know this is like he's helped us there's no way. There's no way and we went there brother after you and I talked and all that and he has a beautiful headstone now and we smoked a couple fucking joints and left one for him. I even joked with him I go all right Ralphie this fucking Mexican gardener's going to steal this joint

But it's for you, brother. This thing's for you. Yeah, and we put solar lights on it so it lights up at night and shit. Yeah. But we had a good time. Like, we just smoked weed. We went by there every day. Every day.

We were in Arkansas for five days. We went twice a day to his grave and pulled the weeds around it and shit and just made it presentable because Ralphie was like you. We could say to you, you're not a comedy coworker. You're a brother to my brother and I. You've always been there, even in the trenches, you know, 15 fucking years ago. we met you. So you're in a different category like Ralphie is to us. And so we stopped by there and it was great. You know, we went by Ralphie's high school, his elementary, his house where he

grew up, his family members were there. But no one ever said anything about the gravestone just appearing there. I mean, there's a gravestone there and no one, no one's ever said anything since. And we don't need credit and we're not looking for, you know, I know you're not. No one, that's not what it's about. But we just wish someone out of all the people that he's helped. We're not going to nip blast anyone here. But he's helped out comics that are doing well. And we just wish that someone would have reached out and said, hey,

what are we doing about Big Boys grave? Like, what are we going to do with them? I know, he was buried with his dog, you know, his dog's out, you know,

his dog that he had, uh, Hoochum mama, um, you know, and his grave's awesome. You know, he deserves a little place for if anyone wants to go see him.

There should be a fucking tombstone with his fucking name on it. That's all we cared about. We don't know, we don't care why it didn't happen. We're just glad it's fucking, it's done now. That's it. Well, I just want to tell you that.

I went back home and I thought about how shitty the people were around me. Like, the industry we work at is just a shitstorm. You know, the other day I'm sitting there at the comedy store, Stone to the Gills, laughing my ass off, watching Ron White. And this kid walks in that I barely know, sits next to me, hits me in the side and goes, hey, who are you taking to Charlotte with you? And I just looked at him and I just kept looking the fucking Ron White. Like I just didn't even say nothing.

Yeah. Because we live in a garbage city. Yeah. If he would have said, how are you? How have you been? I would have talked to him. But for him to go, hey, are you taking somebody to Charlotte with you? Not even a fucking hello.

Like that's to show you the animal of people that we have in this town. Yeah. You're nothing to this people, but I mean, not even how are you? If you would have said, how's your wife, how's your daughter? Hey, is anybody going to Charlotte? Let me check it. Let me see what's going on. But just the way he hit me with his elbow and he goes,

will you take him to Charlotte with it? We are surrounded by garbage. So when you guys called me and said that to me, it took me three, two weeks to process it. Like, I do everything else because I'm half-redaunted. And I'm really lucky that Ralphie had you guys in his life. I'm very fortunate that he had you guys in his life. He, you know, I always say that Ralphie, Brody,

these people never really knew how much people loved them. I mean, yeah, fans loved Ralphie. He was funny, but I don't know if Ralphie knew the intensity of our love for him. He doesn't know how much I really miss him. When I go to New York, Georgie picks me up. Georgie won't shut the fuck up. Yeah, we know. We know.

We know. We get into ours. conversations about Ralphie. You know, it hit him hard. It hit me hard. I'm sure it fucked with you. It's more ways than one. People fucked with you.

Oh, yeah. People have seen you and have drawn that conclusion, Rowland, whatever. And that's what happens after somebody dies. Hey, after Belushi died, Richard, De Niro and Robin Williams were in the room, supposedly. They didn't get work for a year.

Right. You just got the stink of death on you. Yeah. There's nothing you could do. And you guys didn't lay down. plus you did something that these fucking gentiles know nothing about right you cared for somebody's honor after they fucking died which most people forget again again remember when maryland martina's died i had 20 people come out to me how much they love maryland

there's a certain comic that was at the wake when you were at somebody's wake because that was a wake i went i almost got into a fist fight with jeff valdez this shit tremendous they wrote about it the paper. But when you're in awake and then you go to the cemetery, there's always one or two people because of your love for that person who passed away. You'll have a bond forever. And I don't have to talk to you about Ralphie every fucking time I see you. But guess what? There's going to be one night where you're feeling down. I'm going to hit you and go, you think about Ralphie today. And it's going to bring a smile to your face. You bombed. This might bring a smile to your face. At the wedding, this fucking animal, at the

wedding at the funeral you know how am i going to live without maryland you know the typical hollywood shit right and i bought it even after knowing how these people are animals yeah and not once has she ever come up to me and mention maryland again and about a year ago she came up to me i want to be on your party get the fuck out of yeah yeah you never come up to me and said do you think about maryland ever there's people that still call me no you think about your mother ever from time to time yeah i do man thank you for giving a shit right yeah You know, thank you for giving the shit. And I want to take you guys on the podcast and tell you publicly that.

Your moms and your dads did a great job with you. You guys are real gentlemen and characters, what you do when nobody's watching. You guys didn't make a stink about that. You called me. We went to absesies. So everybody was happy. Everybody felt like we contributed to Ralphie. You know, like we helped them out.

And shame on the people. Like, I know Ralphie gave a lot of people 20s. I mean, I was thinking about this the other day before you guys came. I still remember having surgery. And I have, what, 10 millionaire friends? Now, one person called. Only one person called Ralphie. And he goes, hey, nigger.

Yeah, of course he did. And I'm walking down with my fucking bandage around my neck and stitches, and I'm bleeding from doing blow. And he handed me a thousand bucks in 20s that looked like it went through 10 crack assholes. And I remember crying on the elevator on the way I'm going. Jesus Christ, I didn't even ask him for anything. You know who paid for my daughter's crib? Ralphie.

You know who bought me that Sharper-Rimmons speaker right there? That's from the last comic standing from the money right there. Chad's got his barbecue. He called me and says, I got you a barbecue. Come get it. I didn't call it. He called me. And said, drive to Hollywood.

I got a bar. All the stuff he got from Celebrity Fit Club when he won all this bullshit. He goes, hey, come get this shit or I'm throwing it in the trash. And to him, it was shit. But to us, this barbecue and exercise, I don't know. Oh, yeah, the bicycle. Yeah, yeah, we have all that. Remember you had the dummy that you can punch?

Yeah, all that's at our house. I asked them once. I go, what'd you do? You ate his arms? Yeah. I had no arms and shit. I go, that's your eating part. I go, now you got somebody to talk to when you're eating and ring things at night.

Go fuck yourself. I don't eat ring things and shit. Yeah. But it was, you know, the thing is we always think about them. And that's, I think it's important now that there's a grave there and Stone, people can stop by Clarksville, Arkansas and say hello to Ralphie, because he meant a lot to a lot of people. And if no one visits him, friends and all the people that we know who should visit him, that's fine. We stop by, and we're always going to stop by Arkansas at least once a year.

And you can start an abortion in Arkansas. Oh, yeah. So fucking go on down. Get an abortion. Make a trip of it. You know what I'm getting? Get the hangar and go see fucking Ralph. Go see Ralph.

Get a kid sucked out. That's a good deal. I'm happy you guys did what you did, and I'm happy that. Ralphie had friends of your account because as you saw, you know, I remember going up there maybe one of his last barbecues. Yeah. Yeah. And I was disgusted by the people that were up there.

Mm-hmm. I was disgusted. I remember sitting at the table and I wouldn't go outside. There was thousands. He shut the street down. Oh, yeah. I remember. He shut the street down.

I asked him, I go, you don't even like a word for one. No, he said, go, you can say it. Yeah, I said, Ralphie. I go, you don't like. any of those motherfuckers outside and you're catering he had a guy making hydrogen ice cream and i mean the ponies yeah yeah yeah and he goes uh he goes look around these are all people because i live in the hollywood hills he's all if this was 10 years ago he said you us there'd be a couple other people a jeff ross there's a couple of people we would break bread with he goes this is all

show and tell the same for me and i we didn't understand that on the whole way home down that fucking hill we talked about it now we know what he meant now we know after he passed away what he meant these are all people that are in his life because he was famous and and and they're not those aren't people that uh you know went to his funeral those aren't people that would go to arkansas for him you know what i mean look at the people that went to the funeral and got on stage and sang and oh oh fucking a magician at the end of the night that lit fire get out yeah yeah you know get the fuck out out he hated magician he that's i said that i hit my brother i go ralphi I wouldn't fucking hate a magician.

He hopped up from the grave and said, get that motherfucker off his cage. God damn, he burned something and it was a picture of Ralphie. We don't even know. I rubbed his box. I go, God,

you had David Copperfield here that said, good night to you. God, it was horrible. That was fucking terrible. Yeah. Magician. Where, you have a website. Yeah, it's Identical Entertainment.com

and Twitter, all social media is Corey N-Chad, C-O-R-Y-N-C-H-A-E. What's the website? Identical Entertainment Identity. And your tour dates are on there. Yeah, tour dates around there. And when does the tour end? Well, we're hoping never. We're hoping never.

But two-ed monster tours going all the way into 2020. That's the tour. And this month, we're in Sacramento at the punchline, and we're in New Mexico and Florida in July, West Palm. Yeah, if you're listening to West Palm, come out. We want a party in that town. That's a good town. West Palm, Florida, we had a good time with Ralphie there.

So we're looking forward to going back to some of the spots, you know? So we're really looking forward to it. I just want to tell you guys that this whole thing that you guys did really touch me, it takes a lot to touch your fucking savage like me's heart. It made me think a lot. It made me think about where I was slipping as a friend at times to people, you know. I didn't bring you on the show to promote your dates. I wanted to let people know that you guys are a real fucking deal.

We appreciate that. If they want to come and watch the show, that's their fucking business. before you go on and see some guy on Twitter that fucking jumps up and down and says what you want to hear. Go see these guys that got a heart of fucking gold and they stand up for what they believe and what they say they do.

Like I said, that was, you might as well have gotten caught with a kilo. That was mine and not mentioned my name because that's what you guys did by just letting me know, opening my eyes. And I even called people who were with his manager and said, hey, man, just to let you know,

Ralphie didn't have a fucking gravestone. So before you write those fucking animals and another commission, think about it. They don't really give a fuck about you at all. Right? You're a piece of meat to these people. And it's, as long as you go in knowing that in this comedy life or entertainment life

or whatever you do, you're a piece of meat to these people, especially when you provide money into somebody's pocket. You're a piece of meat. You become a piece of meat. as long as you know this going in, your feelings won't get hurt later. Don't come to me later and go, they treat me like me.

What did I tell you 10 years ago? You were a piece of meat. As long as you know that, and guess what, once you stop selling tickets, they replace you. And they tell you some story why you're not selling tickets

and how it's your fault? Yeah. Because you sit Hindu on the radio. Yeah. I know you're too dirty. That's all bullshit. And you, as a comic, have to go back to the drawing board.

They're not coming to see you. Well, write better fucking jokes. Right. You're not selling. shirt, make a different fucking design and talk about them. You know, we fall lackadaisical sometimes and then we wonder what the fuck is going on.

I'll tell you what the fuck's going on. You're not running on both fucking jets. Right. You want something and you're not fucking putting in the aggravation for it. They're not just going to give it to you anymore. This is, look at the comedy store. When I got here, you called the Comedy Store. When I got here, you call the Comedy Store. I want to showcase.

Do you have a reference? Yeah, Corey and Chad. Okay. We'll call you back when the day comes up. Call the Comedy Store now. Who's your manager? He's not big enough. Yeah. Call us when you got fucking three yards.

It's a teacher Bastich. Who's your agent? I got a party house. No fucking good. You got call me when you got ICM. Then you get ICM and what do they tell you? No gubern. Call us when you got APA.

Yeah. So it's a fucking hand job. But funny can't be stopped. Yeah. Always remember that. Funny can't be stopped. Even if they bang in the... You're banned from the improv.

That don't do that. They banned Doug Stanhope. Yeah. Remember? They banned Doug Stano. Stanhope, 10 years ago, the funny bones, for calling the guy a Nazi midget. Well, guess what? Stanhope is still around.

That guy's booking ships. So suck my dick and call me shorthy. I was born in 1940. What's the name of the website? Identical Entertainment.com. Well, man, I'm happy you motherfuckers. Corey and Chad, check them on an identical idea. And like I said to you, guys, we're not talking about comics here.

There's a lot of funny fucking comics out there. We compete with all of them. but as far as heart and balls are concerned, you can't compete with these two fucking savages. So do yourself a favor this summer and go watch the fucking two-headed monster tour. Get some fucking quailudes, get your assholes, get your assholes sucked,

and do the best you can. What's the name of it again, identical? Entertainment.com, and hey, suck an asshole. Yeah, I mean, that would make you out Saturday, so come on out. Come on down. Bring the peanut butter, bitch. Bring the peanut butter and the dental floss.

Creamy. Before anything, do not forget. There's just a few tickets left for the Fillmore Friday in New Orleans. And there's a couple tickets left for the Tabernacle Theater in Atlanta. Columbus, Ohio. I got nothing but tickets. I'll see you, motherfucker, June 28 and 29. But before we go, a word from our sponsor.

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I want to thank the flying Jew, but I want to thank you, motherfuckers, for being here on a beautiful Monday morning. It's a beautiful fucking week. Go out there and get them. Don't let nobody tell you what the fuck to do. I'll see you Thursday morning. Ready to go.

Tip-top, motherfucker, McGoo. Corey and Chad, I love you, motherfuckers. Kill him on the road. Thank you. Kick this fucking meal. Open that door before. the pieces when somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart as I a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who leave you to learn

that misery loves company Wait and see See how he does it When he breaks your heart two bits Let's see if a puzzle fits So fine And that's when I'll discover That revenge is sweet

As I'm from a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you