The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #690 - Pablo Francisco

Episode Date: June 5, 2019

Pablo Francisco, a stand up comedian with many specials and appearances on MADtv and The Tonight Show, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   23andme.com - 23andMe is a DNA testing service that can offer you insights on to how your DNA can influence your weight, sleep quality and much more. Order your 23andMe health and ancestry kit at 23andMe.com/church. For a limited time only, get $50 off of your kit for Father's Day Day. Deal expires on June 17, 2019.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your portable bidet.  

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It's a church of what's happening now. motherfuckers my little brother Pablo Francisco the Christ killer Lee Syatt and your uncle motherfucking Joey coming at you at a Wednesday take this oh shit madonna was she had talent this is her first album this is her first fucking album it was tight man it was good you know get into the groove it's like Scarface music you know yeah no this is the beginning of the end Really? You think about fucking Madonna in 83.

Eighty-five was her, like, I think between 85 and 88 was her fucking high point. She was killing it. Well, I mean, yeah. Especially when she was with, you know, doing those sketches with Mike Myers and, you know, Dana Carvey and doing the little masturbation. I forgot all about that. Oh, yeah. She was, she's, like, she topped it. She, you know, she topped herself every year.

And then, you know, she went to the masturbation thing and then, you know. You're rude. Well, when 91, when I got into comedy, that's when she released Vogue. Yeah. And then she released the book. Yeah, the naked book. And shit. Right.

Which pushed her over the top. Right. And she got a deal from Pepsi. Right. And she made Jesus black in that fuck. Oh, I know, yeah. Half of America. But she did her job.

Then she did the Truth or Dare movie. Right. The Truth of Dare movie where she scolds her brother and shit like that. Yeah, yeah. It was pretty interesting how now she just put out a fucking. a song a few weeks ago. I just say, I have some videos kind of fucking torture and her. That's not good. Well, yeah, the

videos, a guy just laying down, man. That's it. He just lays down. It just looks at the camera once in a while. It's kind of, it's kind of odd, but... Madonna's fucking 60. Give her a fucking brief. Hey, man, she's out of a fucking mind. She's got smoke blown up her ass. For 30 fucking years. She's, you know, she's got

smoke blown up her ass. So God knows where the fuck planet is. You know what I'm saying? She goes to other countries. He's, you know, that's what happens. You know, Guy Ritchie goes, man, you have too many kids here. You know, we've got different sizes and varieties, man. So shopping and adopting. What's up, Pablo Francisco?

What's up, man? How you doing, man? Great to see you. Good to see you, man. Great to have your debut on the podcast. Right on, man. Yeah. 1996.

I got a call from Pat Buckles, and she tells me that they're interested in me doing the Latino laugh festival. That June of that year, like they were. starting to showcase people. I'm sorry, 96 or 2006? 96. Throwing out development deals. They're starting to fucking showcase people for 97.

Now, in June of 96, I had always known Doug Stano. Oh, yeah. I had always known Doug since 91 when I got into comedy. But in June of 96, I saw Doug at the fucking Seattle Underground. Right. And he just destroyed the room. And he destroyed at such a level. that I had a gig that Saturday

and I had to cancel the gig. I was so disturbed by how good he was. Yeah, me too. That it started making me think about my comedy career and other choices. Yep, I've been there, man. I should go make salmon and shit. So I got my fucking, you know,

I got my, whatever, my confidence back. It took a few months. Pat Buckles calls. I don't know who to hell Pat Buckles is. Great lady. She flies me down. She makes me do the first set at the laugh factory.

I meet Marilyn. Martinez, God bless his soul. Yep. And I'm sitting in the fucking back mind of my own business, and you get up on stage, and you took it from Plan B. Like, they were in Alabama all sad about abortions. You took them from there to you just leveled the room. And I still remember the one bit was Seinfeld, the whole cast in Spanish. Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ, you destroyed the room to a level that I had to walk outside again.

and think about my comedy career. I know one thing, at that point when I saw Pablo, I go, I know one thing for sure. I'm on the right path, but I'm miles away from Pablo. I'm not even thinking of moving to L.A. if this is what I got to go up against him. Like, that's how powerful it was, Pablo. You destroyed the room.

That Seinfeld bit, I'll never forget that. You did each character When you did Jerry, the fucking room And it was all Spanish people That's when it was Latino night, Latino Yeah, big time 300 fucking Mexicans in there Every Monday night

Line around the corner Gilbert Escobel, Austin Fucking Carlos, you The late end The last half of that Fucking show was murderers row Like they talk about the comedy store now It was like

Paul Pablo, Carlos were dropping, Paul Rodriguez, George Lopez. Like, I was just in awe. I was like, you know what? Chris Fonseca getting standing O's in his chair? That was crazy. Yeah, man, just, you know, pulling that, the technique was, like, you go back with, but they, you rock. Nobody remembers Chris Fonseca was a legend.

Oh, yeah, he got like three development deals, and he told me, you know, Pablo, I got my own sitcom coming out. I go, man, it's going to be three hours long. Well, they put him on fire. They put him on Baywatch, yeah. That was the big thing. Yeah. When they put him on Baywatch and he was living in Denver, that was huge.

Yeah, yeah. That was huge. I still remember his opening. You know, I came from Denver, so I came from watching him. Right. Everybody said to watch him to learn how to write. And they would wheel him up on stage. He'd go up there with his little fucking wheelchair.

Cheetos. He'd have to be hop, momowed up, and he'd go, people ask me, If I live in Colorado, do I ski. I tell him no, I'm too busy jumping out of planes. That was up for the fucking line. Like, I still remember that 1994. Wow. Like, he was that fucking big.

Like, that Latino night on Monday nights was just a shit. And I remember going back to Seattle going, you know what? That was great and all. I'll do the festival if they want, but I'll never be one of these fucking. guys this was a complete different level it really was anyway that's all we needed was like a 10 minute set and a good closer you know back then you know and then development deals all the time people just giving out development deals and pick up a 50 000 here and 75 there and willie barsena like had them all you know hey bro you know i got i got 10 of them you know i'm telling you bro i was like

me and him it was yeah it was a it was an experience to see how you know this with the latino things going at jean pompa you know doing his stuff and it was a in living color was was throwing auditions for people, any Latino don't want to try the audition for them. Now, you started in Tempe. I started in Tucson, Arizona, and then I went to Tempe, Phoenix, Arizona. How long were you in Tucson?

I was in Tucson for about, you know, all my life, but started 17, started, and then... At laps. At Laps. Comedy Club, and Gary Bynum would pick, like, he would get the best headliners, man, from Los Angeles. I would just go in there and watch him,

and Tom and Teague and Tim Allen and those kind of guys, man. It was just great. You just get the watch these dudes and learn from him. You know, Paul Rodriguez would walk in there and, you know, my God, he was great. And he saw me there and he just invited me to go and do his shows. So I was really lucky on that. And then from Tucson, you moved to Tempe?

And how long were you in Tempe? I was in Tempe for about eight months, man. I got lucky. I met some girls at a Scorpions concert. And I got backstage with them. And I go, yeah, man, I want to do the improv on a Tuesday night. You know, I do like six minutes. And they showed up.

and when they showed up, the club was calling me up, hey, man, there's some girls here for you. And I go, well, the Tempe Improb doesn't even know who I am. I just got on this list of comedians. And I go up there and I do six minutes. And these girls get up and they go, and they grab me and they all walk out with me. And John Panette was there. And John Panette goes, whoa, what's going on? These girls.

And I go, hey, they go, you can smoke in the condo. It's okay. You can smoke. And these girls, you know, like we were talking earlier about puking on a girl. And I got two girls. They both jump in the bed with me, but I was drinking wine. And I get on the first one, I go, and make a long story short, I didn't, you know, tag any of them.

But my friend opens up the door and sees me with both of them, and I'm all hung over, red wine. And he's like, dude, dude, you just tagged both those chicks. And the whole word gets out that I bang these girls. Like, dude, I didn't do it. Oh, you're so humble. I go, dude, it didn't happen. And from that point on, it started growing into,

hey, Pablo knows these girls and stuff like that. And they would come over to the club, ask out the managers, right? And then cancel the date. And the guys were, Hey, Pablo, some of you run of your girls? And it was like, that's how it's the ball star rolling. So I just started living with candy canopes,

the porno star. And it was, and Doug Stanhope, he lived there too. And he was a nightmare, right? Having sex with midgets. It was hilarious. He goes, you know what? Sometimes it's like doing a 12-year-old girl. It's kind of weird, you know, spend her around.

He was crazy. Oh, yeah, he was really crazy. And then for that point on, I just, Met the guy from, you know, Robert Hartman. He owned like three, you know, improvs. There's a franchisee kind of guy and just made my dreams come true. So it all worked out.

He asked you, so you already had a manager en route to L.A. Right. Well, he was, I think it was that he started this management company. Then he said, you know, I'm going to be too busy. So I'll help you find a manager. So I go, all right. Then on the way to Laugh Factory, I mean, everybody was there. Messina, a lot of people were there.

And when I get there to do the ABC Showcase, Joe Rogan decided to step in. They go, Pablo, we're going to have to take you off, man. Joe Rogan's not supposed to be doing this. He jumped at, he was doing the tiger bit, you know, the piss thing. And it's so funny watching my agent going, you know what, Paul, we're going to take you off. But anyhow, he's really dirty. But anyhow, he keeps laughing at Joe.

Joe gets off, so I had to go after Joe. So I just took my best stuff. I took my ending stuff, my closer stuff, and just put it up front. And I got the audience immediately. Joe just looked at me. And that's how we became like, you know, friends. He was like, really good. He goes, you know what?

I didn't think anyone can follow me. I was like going, well, had to take the good stuff, the back. It kind of, you know, it was like six minutes. So when I got off stage, my manager goes, hey, man, I want to handle you. Is that okay? And I go, and I go, sure. And Rick Messina offered me to, you know, go and hang out with him. And I said, I'm going to stick with Rob, that's okay.

And that's how I worked out. And since then, you know, I own some clubs. I'll put you in the clubs. I'll work you, you know, as a feature headliner. And he just developed me. And it was, you know, it was a crazy life afterwards. But other than that, it was a dream come true. And this was 97?

97, yeah. 97. You're already throwing heat. And it was a good time. That was, when I met Stanhope in 91, and then we reconnected in 96. Right. And then I closed. I opened for him New Year's, 96.

Wow. And we were talking. And he was talking to me about the last. Right. He goes, Joey, I don't know much about much, but I know the Latin thing's blown up. I think it's time for you to go to LA. And I'm like, I'm not ready. Right.

He goes, listen, you're good enough to be down there 20 minutes. You're right. That's all they're looking for. So I'm like, I still remember him talking me into Adlining. Wow. Well. Like he talked me into like taking a week, like I go stand home. I got this week off and I only got 30 minutes.

I don't know. He goes, you could talk shit for 15 minutes. Right. I do it all the time. I was like, oh, my God. It was that easy. Wow. You know, it's, yeah, he was a perfect kind of like roommate to have in a sense

because she wouldn't let us pay her, you know, pay the bills there. So he was your roommate. He was my roommate. Yeah, and he was driving her cars, and I would drive the cars, but him and this guy named Matt Becker would. Right, Matt Becker. Matt Becker. Those guys are just insanely crazy stuff, you know,

and I'll be, you know, scoring some dope in Phoenix, and they would be in a hugo, right? And it would make fun of me being in the hood. And I go, what are you doing in the hood? You know, and it was so funny because he would just do the most insane crap you know, like when sleeping with that midget from Bartman Bailey Circus. She's like, where's Doug?

Where's Doug? And she was out destined to find him. And he's like, oh my God, she's looking for me and he takes off, right? And she goes, I love Doug. And he went to the heavy metal cafe and she runs in there. She said, I want to find it. She was running up to every couple that's dancing. Looking up. Looking up for Doug. Oh, come on. Come on. Hey, listen.

I love you, but come on. The circus. Bartonman Bailey Circus Neat Doug Then he started You know Then he started you know Taking his clothes off

And stripping And that was like a little fetish of his You know He goes I'm addicted to it I go well You know You know Just getting in front

That's quite a roommate you have Yeah yeah He was You know We got a few arguments Here and there But you know He was

I don't think he even Smoked You just smoke You know Those 100 cigarettes Cigarettes And booze Yeah

And he come up with this Crazy Yeah Crazy crazy Crazy material Crazy Really good shit in the beginning. It was out there.

Nobody was out there like and people were scared of him. Yeah, it's young looking. He terrorized the improv. When he first moved out of here, like in 97, I was hearing it up in Seattle. Right. That he was terrorizing the improv lineups. They would ban him for a month because

he'd get too drunk. I mean, they just were not ready for that shit. Like, they were just, you know. You know, I saw him with a black guy and a chip tooth after a waiter beat him up. Right.

In Tempe. So my manager goes, you know what? I'm going to the all-star of all comedy clubs of, you know, convention up in Orlando. And the first thing we do

is we talk about what headliner we're not, we're never going to book. And I go, wait, hold on, hey, listen. I go, that thing with Doug,

man, it was all set up because that girl was hitting on me. So please, man, don't bat him. He goes, you know what? You just saved his career. And then Doug came up

through the little black guy. Hey, man. He goes, thanks a lot, man. You know, I really appreciate you putting a good word for me i was like hey that's hey that's what brothers are for man you know what saying so it was like uh he was uh he was just incredible just one of those wild guys he was just wow oh god man just and he's still wild oh yeah he's still away like right i just saw the the

count down to his special right he had people there with suits on they shot it at the plaza right you know he's still like he could have shot anywhere in the world right he picked the plaza wow you know which is like downtown old next to the bus station and shit he's that stoic you know yeah so now you're both up here at 97 he's fucking dating the chick from that fucking tv show yeah he was dating a few i don't mean i mean i think he got married somewhere in between there yes and then uh him and matt becker went on this ride they got kicked out of uh candy cantalopes you know house and uh you know you know what i'm I'm sick and tired.

You've taken my dog. You had a dog with him. We had to take care of her dog, and the dog got maimed or something. So Doug was like, hey, listen, we're going to take her other car. So don't let her know that we're taking her car because the Ugo was just planted there. But he ended up, she ended up catching him, right? And he goes, you get out of my house, right? So he goes into the Ugo and they pushed the Ugo out.

And they took a video camera. And for four weeks, man, they filmed Forest Fires, them running through concerts and opened up outhouses. when people were taking dumps. It was so hilarious. And, yeah, it was sex. It was a perfect 10-hour video with them on the road. And if you just could pull that footage, I'd be hilarious. But it was most decadent.

Now, you did, when you got up here, there was a lot of opportunities. Oh, yeah. Comedy Compaidreys with Jeff Valdez. You ended up doing the HBO series, that Carlos had done. Yep, yep. What was the name of that?

It was called Locoslam. I did the tour for that. Oh, did you really? I was in Denver. And I got to open for him in Denver and somewhere in New Mexico. It was called the HBO. Right. Local or whatever, but it was just basically him.

It was after the first season. Yeah, that was a, you know, that lasts like, I think 12 episodes or something? 12 episodes. Paul Rodriguez, the executive producer. Yeah, he was definitely cool, man. He played the Def Jam guy at the end. You had to go hug him and shit. Yeah, right, right.

And then John Legu Zamo had House of Bugging. Yep. Which nobody remembers. That's what he would dance in the... Yeah, you know, yeah. 12 episodes. Right. Lewis Guzman.

Yep. And they had some funny shit. They had a culture clash. Remember that? Culture clash was big. So there was a lot. There was Latino nights. Well, when I moved here, improv had Latino nights on Monday.

Right. The laugh factory was Monday night. It was huge already. It was well established. Crazy. And the comedy store had nothing. Nothing. She kept trying to have people stardom, but if you had bad luck with them,

then she wouldn't give you spots. So every time she, She'd bring it up to me, God rest of the soul. Right. I'll go, Mitchie, I gotta go, and I'd run out of the room. She'd go, I'm telling you, we'll get black beans and rice and fried bananas. Some of the specials they got. I'm like, I don't want to fucking do this shit.

It's so weird. How do you think comedy has changed the last 20 years? You know, a lot of people, it's the Internet, man. The Internet now it works for you and against you, you know? And just watching, you know, these, I mean, look, I'm a comedy fan, of course. I mean, anything that has to do with comedy, you know, last comedy. stand. I mean, I'm down with it, but there's so many of these six-minute comics out there right now. So they kind of got, you know, they're trying. It's just that the material that seems like it's already been done by us already.

You know, some of the topics that have been hit. So there's a little bit of soul, but it's not as much as soul that goes into comedy as much. But there's some good ones out there. You know, there's some people kick it's really entertaining. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's strong. It's strong. Yeah. But you know, it's crazy like what? But we were doing 20 years ago was not accepted today. Oh, no, yeah. It's over. Yeah, but it was fun, man. I remember every single day of it, every minute, you know, just going to Houston and going to Miami. I mean, those are those are the best days.

El Paso. El Paso, yeah. Fucking Austin. Like, just, just, I remember one of the first times I got an opening gig in L.A. It was opening for you at the Irvine Improval. One night right one night Hartman threw me like a one night right right and this is the old Irvine The jamboree Road the old one mm-hmm I think even before Jamboree Really did the guy the manager or the head chef was a fucking douchebag to me okay one night one like he was I still remember

I don't remember what his name was but I still remember what he said to me what is it like something just off color Like something like Yeah, I was going to tell you That you get a free drink But you're only gonna be here one night You didn't do that well You got nothing Just like that

Like just something And I remember walking away Going what the fuck was that Whatever And then I got another nod to open for you And Brea Thanksgiving weekend

Right When we got fired Because of that guy Fucking dancing Behind you naked Oh Paul Paul Abraham. Who I bumped into years later.

Oh, yeah. I'm the set of the longest yard. He was the cook on the truck. Yep. He opened up a food truck. Yep. Yeah, he did that. I was with him when he did that.

When he opened up to the food truck. Yeah, he was my roommate at the time. So he told me, he was I'm working with Diaz. And sometimes he goes, I'm, he goes, guess who I'm working with now? Steve Sharippa or something like that. And right now he's working with Jamie Fox. Is he now?

Oh, yeah. He's still, he's rolling good, though, man. No shit. Yeah, man. Is he still an Aberkerkerke? No, no. He's right now he's in New Orleans because they're filming everything in New Orleans and he's working with Quentin Tarantino and You know, it's funny because he was hey when Kill Bill came out. He goes hey, you got to see this set man. There's a bunch of heads exploding, you know, and you just got to go and I go I'm not gonna go right and then all of a sudden he goes hey I think I met the director. He's kind of a geek kind of kind of you know kind of chubby and he was why don't you just come on down? So I went down there right and there's Quentin Tarantino and he's doing a scene with

David Carradine, right, with the sword. And I was right behind Quentin. And he goes, all right, quiet, everybody. I'm going, just right behind him, right? And he goes, you ready to do this? Okay, David, you ready? I am ready. And he goes, at action.

He goes, call off the mission. Do it now, right? And he messes up his lines. He goes, you okay there, Dave? And I was eating a pot sticker in the boom guys like this. And I go, eat it. And he goes, who are you? Right?

And I was right there when they filmed that scene, call off the mission. And then when David Carrady was done, he does like a little front kick. I was going, tiny guy, really tiny. But I was like, holy smoke, I'm in that scene right behind him. You know, it was cool. And he was, yeah, kid, crazy, nuts, kid. And he was work on that for like four months.

And he was rolling some Afghani butt at my house, right? And he was, I'm going to get Daryl Hannah so high right now. And he got her so mad. She started crying. It was hilarious. Oh, my God, I'm so stoned. And I was going, oh, dude. He's been with that food truck.

Yeah, he built. For 14 years. I mean, I worked with him in 2004. Right. Wow. Yeah, man. He worked on the longest yard. He was, yeah.

And he was, both places. I think he came up here with us. Yeah, he was, he was in Santa Fe with us, and then he came up here with us. Yeah, he was, he was doing, we are soldiers, bouncing over to Mark Wahlberg doing, doing Planet of the Apes. And that was a crazy day that was. That's amazing. that he was a crazy guy. Still doing it.

He has a fucking business that feeds fucking huge movies. Well, you know what? How that started is that? He goes, you know what? He goes, I'm working for a craft service guy, and this guy ain't treat me too well. If I only had $25,000, I could buy myself a truck. And I went, well, I just happened to have $15,000, $20,000 in a thermist.

And he goes, no, no, no, no. So he does a big old, you know, we're partying, right? There's a big old gacker. And he goes down the street and he talks this guy into putting his house on a loan. And they bought the truck that day. And for two weeks straight, driving that truck around, putting, you know, this guy's one of those handy guys. It knows electricity and all that kind of stuff. And they put freezers, TVs, all in two weeks, just drinking the same clothes, the whole thing.

Put it together, drove up on the Warner Brothers lot, got the OC, and then boovie after movie after movie. From that point out, it just went on like crazy. And he's meeting Starjew. I met Mel Gibson. He's doing this Christ movie. And I speak Syrian, so he's going to come out to lunch with us. And I was like, what? And I was at my house, and Mel Gibson comes up.

And I was like, but I was a little tanked, so I didn't want to, you know, ruin it. And he's from Redondo Beach. And they went out, man. It was incredible. So he's met a lot of people, man. That's good for him. Oh, yeah. It's still funny, too.

Paul Abraham, wacky, Iraqi. He was nuts. He was nuts. The wacky Iraqi. So, yeah. Lee, they didn't know what to do. He wouldn't. So you guys planned to be naked behind him?

Jeff Garcia was the feature. I think, yeah, where Christopher Kid Reed was there, I think, too. And I was the MC. You had like nine guest sets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the night. It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Right.

It's 2000. It's the year 2000. It's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Nutscape. Pablo just showed up on Wednesday night from Vegas where you just ended up winning like 30 large. Yeah, I wanted some money. Yeah.

You were playing blackjack or something. Right. He was him. You came right from Vegas to Braya Improv. Right. There was no going home to take a shower. There was nothing. So we get to the fucking Prey Improv.

And I'm like, let me get a beer. And then it's like, when Pablo's the headliner, there's no cocktail serve. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's right. That one's going to look at Pablo. I go, Pablo, what the fuck? And Pablo's like, we got this handle. He goes, go get the fucking chef.

There was like some guy in the back. And Pablo gave him like a hundred bucks. He was going to get his wine, beer. So they're telling us we can't drink. I mean, it was just craziness. And then Pablo had a couple of them. So Pablo kept saying, Joey, bring up. Because I was the host.

So I brought up Kid Reed. I think we even brought up the chef. Crazy. Pablo got it together. Goes up there. He's doing this thing. He's ripping him apart. But Paul Abraham is walking behind him completely naked with a hat on going like this.

Give my regards to Broadway. And the people would lose it. Me and Jeff and the eight other openers are in the back, howling. Howling. Yeah. And the next fucking day, like that Friday, I get a call that we've all been fired,

except for Pablo because we had fucking booze and fucking metal and the dew powder and fucking... Oh, bad. And then here's an interesting story. Pablo came clean And fucking I got my job back Oh sure Yeah

I told my I said look at the videotape You know I go let's just look at the video tape Because they videotaped the show And your portion wasn't on there So then Robert goes Okay alright

Okay There's a misunderstanding But Rumpelmans That's what it was man Rumpelmans Is my drink man And then you called me

One time to open for you In Houston That was sensational You had the fucking strip club Send a limo for you That's when you know you're big pimping. And then he showed up with a... Today he showed up with a light...

You know, Pablo's always very generous. You gave me a Laker shirt that I still have. Of the Valour, purple... I made a mistake in warred in a 90-degree day and I lost 92-5-minute-old. It's a Laker Valor shirt. Nice. Beautiful.

It's Kobe Bryant. Was it Kobe? Was it? Yeah. Kobe. It's a Laker, old-score. cool warm up. Now if I put, it's like 4x.

Oh, geez. It's like 4 fucking X. He starts melting on it. I don't know where the fuck he got it. I still got that thing. Got it up in Miami, believe it in an hour. No, this was Houston. Houston.

And then in Miami, you and I had a reputation for tearing up their condo. Yeah, that was a nice condo. That was my condo at death. I used to tie a check up. And in the morning, I'd have to cut her off. So I had the ropes there. No, I remember that.

I just made long ropes, and I would cut it off loose in the morning. This is what I'm saying to your problem. Right. 20 years ago, we couldn't do what we were doing. How much rope would you have? How much rope would you have? Oh, please. I used to add more rope on the black guys that tie them Jesse Smolett.

Jesus. Just thinking, but did you see the rope that they released? No, I didn't do it. All the rope and shit, I had more rope than I just bought a bundle, that sticky rope that pricks your skin, and I would tie it on the bed and I'd tie her up. She always wanted to be tied up. So what did I didn't believe that at first until the girls came in and boy, they were smoking.

Where, Miami and Bob? Yeah, uh-huh. That was that Coconut Grove Street in 98 and 97 and 99. Everybody would go in there too, man. Chris Rock. Madonna would go in there. I'm telling you. Whitney Houston.

I'm telling you, you have no idea what was witnessed at that fucking. I remember still going downstairs one night and seeing the hottest naked women dancing on top of the table in the Italian restaurant because it was a fine dining Italian restaurant. But after 11, no rules. That's right. That's when it's turned crazy, man.

You know what I'm talking about me? You think I'm kidding you. It was Scarface type shit. Oh, yeah. People were in there throwing thousands and they would just tell women get naked start dance on top of table. 24 hours a day.

24 fucking hours a day. Yeah, Jesus. It was beautiful, man. It was a beautiful thing. But I mean it must Comedy must be like The only job where you could like if I was on a road trip with somebody and they started on unpacking rope I don't think I'd want to say like that's like on the next forensic

What do you think these I mean listen When I asked Pablo what comedy has changed 20 years ago you had George Lopez drinking up a storm Yeah George Lopez there you do You had Mitch Hedberg out there Right And tearing it up I know I was out there

there tearing it up. Pobbo was out there tearing it up. Yeah. It was every four weeks there was a calamity somewhere. Somebody didn't show, somebody didn't make it to radio. You know, Tommy. Yeah. We had, you know, we had some problems in comedy. And it was accepted because that's what comedians do. Richard Pryor raised the bar for us.

When he lit himself on fire, that gave us the right to do whatever the fuck we wanted to do. And, you know, When I got into comedy, I didn't get into comedy for the girls. I'm not a fucking good-looking guy. I got into comedy for the party. Yeah, that's what else. The brotherhood. Yeah.

I didn't get into comedy to me. The brotherhood, that's fine. Like a rock star. I got into comedy A for the brotherhood and B, because nobody would judge my party. Nobody. If you read ladies and gentlemen with Lenny Bruce, he did heroin every night with strippers for less dances at the Chelsea Hotel. That's why I got into it.

I didn't know if I wanted to do heroin, but I knew I didn't want a responsible life. You wanted the opposite. I didn't want to be a responsible. I wanted to be a rebel. I wanted to live in a car, and I just wanted to do comedy. You know, it's like that when you listen to that song,

American band. Right. We're an American band. We're an American band. Let you party down. Right. We're an American band. Oh, yeah.

That's what I was. An American comic. How many flights do I have to have to change? You know, I'm not coming back. I'm going to have to come back on a Wednesday you know that you know we were an American comic when I started doing comedy I did not do comedy for women I did comedy for the not being responsible I didn't have to be responsible for anything right up at a certain time I'd have to

go to bed at a certain time and I have to answer anybody a certain time you drink on stage drink on stage all I had to do is keep oil in my car and fill that gas up and pay the insurance on it those are the only rules I had in my life yeah that's it when you pick this life that's why you pick it you're irresponsible you're responsible we can't you know how many times i got to do something at eight in the morning pablo like somebody calls me and says i have to do something at eight right now i have a five-year-old six-year-old i'm awake at six-year-old every morning whether i like or not but if you tell me that i have to be somewhere at eight insomnia kicks in oh yeah absolutely

insomnia kicks in so once you tell me i got to be somewhere at eight i'm not going to fall asleep Absolutely. It's like going to school, high school. Remember that? Every night I'm tired. At 8.30, I got to drink a four fucking cup espresso because I'm dying. Jeez. But the night I have to go do something at 8, I'm fucking tip-top, McGoo jumping. Oh, yeah. I'm singing three songs and shit.

Jumping in the shower at 5.30, of course. We're fucking rebels. I never wanted to live out. If you think I wanted to get up at 8 and go to work, I knew when I did it. I didn't want to do it. As I was doing it, I'm like, I got to come up with something. the only job that I fit the itinerary for was drug dealer that even came close

no responsibilities no boss that that's the only other job that you could do that I'm not selling CDs after the show I'm selling bags yeah I'm not here to fucking sell CDs I'm here to snort coke off your pussy yeah you know what you can say something on stage about cocaine and after the show they're gonna offer you to me oh yeah that's how I would get my coke yeah talk about doing coke

I love it right after the show boom you want to do a black Yeah, you got me extra? Yeah, all I do is make a call. Boom, and then there you go. Yeah, make sure you don't do it before a second show. You'd be, hey, it's going on, moving like crazy.

That was the only thing that kept me together, that I had enough respect. I didn't have respect for myself. Right. I had zero respect for myself, but I knew that I wouldn't do anything on stage. Right. So there was no way I could get.

Never been stoned before? I could get stone and don't stand. I could smoke 20. joints, lose them for a minute or two, and then focus and get them. Right. I can take an edible and go on stage. Really? I could take a Xanax, like a baby, 0.25.

Okay. To calm me down a little bit. But cocaine never worked me on stage. Wow. It was just a zero. It was the weirdest thing because I did it. St. Patty's Day in 1992. Right.

And I never did it on stage again. It'd be in my pocket. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Don't get me wrong. Right. The fucking ever-ready battery was plugged into the leg. But don't get me wrong. There was no way I would do it before.

Right. And it's like I wouldn't do it in the daytime. Hmm. I never did coke in the day. It's funny, I'm trying to write this book. All right. And before I kidnapped the guy, I worked at a car dealership for a few months. You know, I'm trying to detail this book as much as I can, so you just can't.

The truth was that I was working. I started a Subaru dealership that was like Studio 54. Okay. Like everybody was snorting coke in there. There was a guy that did heroin and he fucking robbed Banks at lunchtime. I mean, this was live. It got to the point we were so crazy. I said, let me go to a Chrysler store.

They were a little older. They were all white. Right. They were all like respectful. Half of them were veterans and shit. You didn't see nothing like. Like I've never seen anything like that before. Like at the Subaru place, somebody in service saw Coke.

At the Chrysler place, the manager and the salesman, the head salesman, would sell coke. Wow. Everybody was coked up, and I still remember days that there'd be five customers on the lot, and every salesman in that office would be so coked up. They were in their office pretending to be on the phone. And people would be out there going, like, I'm here to buy a car,

and they'd be like, we're on the phone. Like, they were coked up. So I, from that lesson, I didn't snort coke in the date. Like, I'm like, I got a boat. I got to pay attention to these guys. Don't get me wrong. I fell for it a few days. But I always knew that I'm not going to sell a car,

and I'm going to sit in here like these four-fuck. The dealer's name was Rob Dando. Rob Dando. A sweetheart of a guy. We sold Chrysler. And his big pet peeve was his red Parker pen. His wife gave him a Parker pen for their anniversary. And he felt there was his lucky red pen.

all right so every time he went out to get a customer he'd be so coked up he'd be sweating he'd put his pen down and i'd swap the pen and steal it and he'd come back and look for the pen and look under cars oh god he'd say i can't sell a car somebody stole my lucky red pen so then like i would go he would go buy one another one across the street i'd wait till he'd get coked up i'd steal the pen stealing the tricks i did just to him once a week then i'd i'd just to him once a week then i'd started taking the red pen from him. Oh, gosh. And giving it back to him.

Like, putting it in the bathroom. Oh, God. Somebody would go to him and say, we found the red pen in the bathroom, and he would go, but I wasn't in the bathroom. And then he got so fucking... Mysteries of the unknown. He started getting so coked up.

Leo always thinks, like, I torment him. Right. He doesn't know I've been doing this for 30 years. Like, I make people go crazy. Like, I'm the best at making people go crazy. Oh, yeah. Geez. where he won.

I would go into the secretary's office and put the pen in her desk. And then she would come back and go, Rob, why should you pen on my desk? And he'd go, I lost that two days ago. Why is it on top of your desk? I don't know how I got here. So he would scratch his head

because he was the best salesman. So my game was to throw him off point. Right. So then he started selling Coke. But he had a wife that was straight that didn't do coke. So he would hide the coke at the office.

He was getting two, three ounces of a shot. And what he would do is he'd throw cut on an ounce and weigh it into grams and put it in little packages and hide it in the ceiling. And I would go to service at 6 in the morning. You know when service first gets that? Yeah, right. I would go there, coked up from the night before, take the ounces out of the ceiling. And I put coke in the grams and take coke out of that. I take an eighth out of one ounce, put an eighth of speed of cutting there and take another eighth.

I was doing that to him for a month. Holy shit. Then I started switching the coke on him. Okay. I started taking out of the ceiling and put it in this front drawer. You'll find yourself in the trunk. God, I was tormenting this kid. He would come.

I would see him in the things. He still thinks about this. There's no way that he does. Listen to me. I did this to him for six to seven months. Oh, my God. It was a constant torture every day. He would go up to the manager and go, I don't know what's going on.

I'm losing my mind. Good God. Unsolved mysteries. I probably stole 40 pounds. from him and I had a secret spot for them and one day he was in the middle of his nervous breakdown because then he found that somebody was messing with his coat and he couldn't figure out who fuck it was I gotta get to the bottom of this somebody's bullfows in me in the mornings he was he was a white white dude he would

use words like bamboozled and shit like that he's like somebody's bamboozling somebody's sabotaging me and I'm like bro I don't know what you're talking about he goes we gotta start coming early I think somebody comes here in the morning and takes my coke I was tormenting this kid and the one day I showed up I was quitting I was getting ready to quit and go to the back of the Subaru store before I kidnap and I fucking gave him what I see god punishes because two weeks later ended up in fucking jail with a fucking oh 50,000 dollar bail and the day I quit I had a stack of pens it had to be four inches dirty fucking party 30 of those parker pants yeah yeah

Had him in a heavy-duty rubber band. And the dad, when I go, Rob, I got something for you. A stack of dynamite. And I put the fucking pens on the thing. And he almost broke in half. Wow. I had no fucking idea. Were you stealing my coke, too?

Oh, my God. Unsolved mysteries. I invited him to my wedding. He was sweating up a storm in my life. Someone's coke is disappearing. What? What else? Does that shit to people.

God, fan. I tortured that. horse all. When I started switching the Coke on him, Pablo, you know how that is. Yeah, that's... When you think you hit the Coke behind that picture, and now it's in the tissue box and you don't know how the fuck it happened.

And you're fucked up already. Oh, yeah. Your mind's playing tricks on you. Are any stories coming back, Pablo? Oh, yeah. Joey didn't mess with me that weekend. No, no. I never mess with Popple. I love, I remember putting it in my head, and then he was wearing it. You know, in reality, I never think I've done a line with you, Papa.

No, I don't think we had. I offered him. Yeah, we know each other did it. Yeah. But we never really broke that bond because. Well, he was freaked me out because he would go, when I first met him, he was, hey, the vampire. And then I go, what does he's doing? He goes, you know, I'm talking about two shots, a little porno movie.

I was going, this guy knows too much. This is, because I used to tell him about witchcraft. Breaking out the cape. Yeah, but I didn't understand that. Whenever you do coke, you break out the cape. And then when you set the porno, then you do the shot and what's a little. Oh, yeah, yeah. You put the porn on a couple of shots

I go, what is this guy? He thought I was like a heretic. He thought I had a direct camera to his fucking house. Yes, that was kind of, you know you got a porno in the VCR. You know what? Does he know this? Oh, I were told him that people. That was my world.

How long have you been sober for now? About a little less than a year, about a year, I would say. How do you feel? I feel, let's put it this way. I feel good. I got a lot more energy, you know, but I started smoking a lot. lot more but other than that I mean I'm having a good time you know it's uh I feel kind of proud but then again you know I don't get too cocky because you know liquor's free you know it's it's there

it's around so liquor stores are fun you know you go in there you get beef jerky that kind of thing and you'll get some bean dip whatever with some fritos and they want to just grab a lot the big bottle but the little bottle but hey I'm doing good at Rite Aid I just walk through the aisles you know right through the liquor I'm not drinking either yeah no no drinking no no drinking no I had a few, but it wasn't a buzz. I took a few sips just to see what was like. Was drinking a trigger for you? Everything was, you know.

You know, getting off stage was fun, you know? You know, there's a party going on, and you want to write some jokes. And sometimes the jokes come when you're high, and sometimes they don't. But nowadays, they just come like crazy. It's just like, you just have a different way of writing now. He's like, you just put down the premise. But now it's like, got to write the whole thing down because I forget when I see the premise. and sometimes I got to write them on the wall

you know and so I got to get a little bit more organized than that but yeah the idea still come but it's you know I talk about you know I like going back and talking about the topics because every topic you know deserves to be talked about again so that's what I'm doing right now and it's it's fun and it's just a little bit harder you know trying to find somebody to impersonate

you know like you know remember back in you know 2000 stuff that you had Michael J. Fox and that kind of thing you know and now you got no one who sounds they all sound alike you know so you got mark walberg hey man you're doing good you doing good okay work on that one but there's not too many i can you know jump around and you know with arnold swartz and everybody doesn't armald but you got to just switch it up and make it more clever that kind of thing but other than that i'm doing that what an honor say when they got kicked in the back oh i don't say i'll be back i'll my back okay that's what happened okay

You know, you know, get out! Good God, who does it drop kick? You know, Jackie Chan. I just dropped that motherfucker. God, he barely, he handled it well, though. He was like, he's like 70 years old, right? Yeah, yeah, man, he's at muscle beach all the time, I think, and... Joey asked how comedies changed.

I remember, I grew up watching Comedy Central in the early 2000s, late 90s, and I remember watching yours, and I remember people talking. It was way before the... internet and remember people talking about it like can you guys talk about how like how like I don't even even if it wasn't comedy central but how that stuff used to like change your world like yeah it would change your world that was crazy I remember when that came out yeah the producers would tell you to go you know what there's no back then there was no internet but they would say hey listen we're going to play it six times this year and if you get some requests they're going to play it more but it's going to change

your life and it did because after the first playing I go you know what I was too different I thought you know and then I go by the second time these people see it they're going to talk about it so it ended up playing getting like 12 requests I was gonna say you must got a lot of requests oh yeah it was great man and just couldn't believe how many people

had on VHS tape you know so had a guy named Charlie who would go around hey care I gotta show everybody the tape you know and he would show it showed me it was like a half hour but it was fun you know it's that's how it's circulated and people were just recording it didn't have it you couldn't go to comedy central dot com back then and you know just

get it off their website. Didn't even have Ti-ro. Yeah. So it's just if you caught it, you caught it. If you didn't, you didn't. So it was a good thing, you know, it did change my life. And a lot of people just did come to the show. But they would constantly start repeating it, you know, so I was going, all right, cool. Sometimes it would be three times a week. And it went from 12. It was initially six times. They're going to play it. We're going to play it every four or five weeks. But then it started getting to more requests. So they played it like 21 times or something like that during the year. So it worked out. problem now that you're sober I mean I I listen there's nothing anybody could do and I'm not being angry or anything I'm just speaking the truth here right you know the number one comic today is Kevin Hart you know there's nothing I could do am I mad at Kevin not at all I love Kevin oh yeah wish him all the fucking luck in the world he's a sweetheart he's the hardest working guy and show business I love him to death you know Sebastian who we all love right Sebastian he's something

Bill Burr selling tickets great comic you know what I want you know this this comedy career this journey that we take right comes in peaks and valleys yeah that's the land you know if you go see John Wick you see John Wick three you see that guy is the evil right guy Ed Dukaskis Dukas is his name he used to be the guy from chef on whatever I know Mark from my friend you know you know Mark was living out of You know, this career is peace and valley. And all of a sudden he's sitting in front of his TV, and they call him up to be the bad guy.

Crazy. And John Wick, the number one movie in America. He said, this is why people live in Los Angeles. This is why people stay here, because the lottery ticket could come when you're 28, or it could come when you're fucking 90. No one knows. You know, Junior Supriano, did Godfather 2,

then you didn't see him for 30 fucking years, and he pops in one of the biggest. series of all time. Steve Sharippa. Steve Sharpa. Booking the Riviera. Booking the Riviera. You know, I want to be a star.

You know, how do you do that? No, he's a fucking author. He's in Australia doing stand-up. Right. With Michael Rappaport and not Michael Rappaport. The other guy, doesn't matter. What I'm trying to say is that this is peace and valley. Pablo, no bullshit.

You know me. I've always thought you're in the top three comics. Talent-wise. Well, thank you, man. There's not too many people who could deal with fucking Pablo. There's not, I watched, I always said the best two people live I've watched in a positive reaction. Listen, I'm a dirty comic. I'm up there talking about shit. Nobody deserves to listen to. If you come to one of my shows, shoot yourself. I have no idea what talent is. I remember going

to see Pablo and studying them. There was two comics I studied on the road. Somebody once told me you're a loser. You play to the back of the room. You got to learn to play to the front of the And there was two comics that showed me that, that vision. I didn't know it wasn't Rogan. It wasn't Chris Rock. It was Pablo Francisco and Richard Jenny. Wow. I opened up for Pablo in Houston, and I never saw so many people come out happy.

Yeah, I'm going to get some good grunts. I never saw the happiness. There was no cursing. There was no eating pussy jokes. There was no disgust that shit that comes out of my mouth. It was just wholesome, fun about Arnold and this and that. And at the end, people would just, you know, it's like a Joe Coy show. Yeah, absolutely.

It's like people leave there like they just saw a Pixar movie. And the only people at the time when I was a young comic that helped me explain that bridge to that gap and was you and Richard Jenner. Wow. I saw it. I saw the reaction of people walking out of a Pablo Francisco room. where Richard Jenny I saw something else. Right.

I saw that when Pablo comes up to me and asks me what I want to drink. I'm a gentleman. I look at Pablo's eyes and I go, Pablo, make it a gin and tonic. Lee wants to make his Mark and Coke. This is Miami. People went to see Rich Jenny

would not fucking white trash. People went to see Rich Jenny had class. They had money for those tickets. In 2000, I still remember fucking people who had classed. West Palm Beach right would not look at the wait staff when Richard Jenny was on stage right they would not take their off of just let me get a water right right absolutely yeah right that's it let me get oh gin and tonic yeah you know gin and

tonic yeah when you gave me the check it was like thank you and they put it down yeah it was just overwhelming the the way he controlled the audience the topics that he chose he threw at you with something different right that's an education that nobody's ever going to get to see again unless you see him live you'll never see that in this fucking hour special He'd get it get the last special he did a big pile of me was it good all just it's amazing It's great. It's it's totally different from what he usually does, but it you know he's a student of Richard Jenner Oh yeah richard jenny. He came he came downstairs at got them. He goes hey man. I want to get a picture with you and I was what? He goes yeah And he was it's going to be a good Christmas and he started talking to me and I know that he's so intelligent that when I was trying to bounce off him man. It was difficult because he was

was you know talking about the the he was you because all these a Burger King movie theme of toys he was what next to Jesus Christ crown of thorns right and he goes and it was so funny but I was like but he was a he was a really I just like the way he go into topics and just he's doing it you know just explain it really intelligently and is have a good explanation for it now when I saw you in Houston okay 15 years ago whatever the fuck it was right we were both whacked out all yeah yeah like Friday whacked up the shows you would just give me a hug see you let you want to come you need money no bam right right just leave he would come up to me any money you yeah bam that's it was pablo you left yep

i can't imagine what you're like today sober you must be lighten those rooms on fire uh you know i uh to tell you the truth man you know it's i'm pulling out the new material and stuff and i like to get response you know all the time so uh i'm rehearsing more in my uh my my my how you say is shower and then you know usually goes into living room, then into the kitchen, you know, get everything locked down. So right now, it's the shows go by quicker. Let's put it that way. For me, even though you do the time. But it's like, it's, it's, it's, sometimes I want to get to the joke so quickly.

I talk a little bit too quickly, you know, because I don't want to, you know, I don't want to forget the joke, you know. So it's a lot of preparation now. But it's fun. It is all fun. But now I've got to write more of the joke down. You last time just write the premise down, boom, you got it. all over here but now now it's a little little different and you're thinking about doing an hour yeah yeah yeah i'm putting a new hour together yeah we're at a good 45 minutes you know but uh you know when

you start you start doing an hour you have to keep repeating the hour over and over so sometimes i just like to do the old stuff and then put in the new stuff and then listen to it and then just find my segways right there you know so it's uh i don't know it's it's it's a lot of videotaping you know and you know we hate listening you know watching our own self i fucking hate oh gosh yeah so So, and then you got to fast forward. But thank God, you know, we got the internet now. So watch. I put everything downloaded on to the computer, and I just shuffle through it.

And it's a lot more better than that. It's just take the audio tracks and listen that, you know. And you're still doing the voiceovers? Still doing voiceovers, man. It's fun. You know, Subaru, XV. That's right. And, yeah, it makes money, and it's fun.

So. I remember when I first went to my first audition, it was for Church's Chicken in 97 You've just done the voiceovers for them Really? Didn't you do voiceovers? I did, I was a spokesperson

For Church's chicken I wrote those commercials, man I went in the room like I'm gonna tell him I know Pablo and shit Like we didn't even give me the opportunity Well, no Like come in Do

Thank you That was very good You'll be hearing from us And you can see on that face They were saying go fuck yourself Didn't even say Like I know Pablo from him Francisco. Like I was just like going to tell the casting people. Like I know Pablo, so let's get this party started. Right.

Let's get this fucking process. I'll give him a call right now. He'll call churches direct. This is 97. Yeah, man. It was... You were already the official spokesman's the fucking church. Yeah, man. Wrote those commercials. It was great, man. Because after we wrote those, right? They got back. They got the original the original spokesperson. She was on Fred on Sanfordson, that one lady, right? And I did another like three more little sizzle reels. of more commercials and I got, I sold them. So I still got it back. So they took a little, little Cuisva and said, get out of here. And so they put me back in there. You big dummy. So, yeah, it worked out.

So that was my Trich's chicken money. And I was, you know, put it away and bought a house and had a good time. You've been doing voiceovers ever since. I've been doing it like once in a while. You know, I've been auditioning like crazy, which is great about it. You can do it right there in the comfort of your own house. Who's your voiceover agent? I got CA.

Yeah, CAA. Yeah, C-A. So it's, you know, you'd do it right there in your house. You grab your iPhone and just get ready this summer Joey Diaz this summer has Joey Diaz written all over it So they call themselves mercenaries Boink so I'm doing one tomorrow and I'm excited about it. I'm doing big city greens my daughter watches the fucking show So is it is it a series it's a Disney series that comes out at five every day me and her watching So when I got the offer, I was like,

this can't be fucking happening. Great. And I'm doing the part of like a fucking guy in an alley that scams cricket. Right, right. Out of Doree me. It's got Jesus, the guy from, what's his name, Treon, Danny Trail.

Oh, Danny Trail? The guy from Taxi. I mean, I'm honored to be on the fucking voice. So I would love to do that shit. Oh, yeah. I would love to do it on a full time. Those people, it's so hard to break into that. Like, you broke into that,

away right yeah it's tough to break into that right a couple years ago I did Mafia 3 the game oh really I thought that would open up doors but it really didn't right and then I think I thought the podcast you know when I got here I was with Sutton Bartham and R right six years gonna brush for an hour and they were like tremendous of voiceovers and one day they were like oh you're not getting shit choke yourself so I just stop doing voiceovers I was like fuck I'm not good at them right everybody tells me I got a great voice but obviously I can't make a fucking dime doing them.

Now, were you driving to the auditions to do a voiceover? Yeah. Oh, gosh, I couldn't stand that, man. That was a long time ago. You would have to go to, like, all the way to Wilshire. Willshire had one. There was one up here somewhere that I came up here. Like, I did Shark Tale.

Like, I read the Shark Tale. Oh, really? And I'm like, oh, I'm getting this baby. And then they called me one day. And they're like, listen, you're really in high regard for this? Right. Are you in to do this? And on my God.

You know, pumped up. I'll fucking do it. Then a guy that called me was like, listen, they'd rather give you, you know, 25,000 than give somebody else a hundred thousand. Especially there's a lot of my voices. I was like, oh, shit. I'm going to get this. I didn't get dick.

I was like, if I didn't get Sharkdale, I'm not going to get nothing. And I heard Vincent Pastore's first residual check from the shark tail was over 100,000. Gosh, damn, man. That's the, you know. your underwear and just eight voices movie makes fucking a hundred million dollars you're living in fucking easy street for a while oh yeah

yeah movie that movie previous have you done movies uh you know what i've done a few i've done a few for like uh for abc movies and stuff like that but when i went when i met don la fontaine the guy who did he who right he's coming to my house and i went to his house for like five hours because we're doing this frank kelly endo show and as the three tentators and he was you know what uh i do uh three of these a day and i I live like a king. I live like a king.

So come on down. And we're going to do some voiceover. And he had the bubble that he gets into his chamber. Oh, yeah. People do them in the house. And he just gets a piece of paper and go, get ready. Keithers Sutherland, you know, on 24 box office, whatever box DVD set. And he goes, there you go.

I live like a king. Just really humble about it, you know, and just that's all he does. Three a day. He's still alive. Oh, no. He passed away. He passed away. Yeah, from a blood clop.

But a blood clot. Yeah. Yeah, I couldn't believe he goes, I got something in my husband. lungs I don't know what it is and it was like going well we'll find out you know and it was like a little tiny blood clot in his lung in his vessel so yeah so it was uh but after I went to his house he gave me his ISDN unit right and uh when I was there you know I noticed that he introduced me to all these guys that do the voice over like the one who does Disney you know Hercules and all your favorite Disney characters that kind of guy right and I just happened they wanted me to go

and do like a tribute to Don but that Same day, I got Howard Stern, so I went on Howard Stern. It was a beautiful day, but it was kind of, like, it was kind of sad at the same time, because, you know, I flew to New York, but it still got Howard Stern, so it worked out. You look at hot. And from that point out, his wife called me once in a while and keep in touch, and he's a cool dude, really cool dude. That's funny that you imitated him.

You did an expression of him, and a lot of people, when you do impersonation of him, And they look at you a little weird. He goes, I always wanted someone to do me, and you do me better than I do me. I was going, can I take a picture of you? He took a picture of me and put it right there with all his family. I was like, okay, cool. And we hung out. He was a good guy, man, really good dude.

And we went back to, uh, if you go to like, uh, YouTube and just go three tentators with Frank Calando, you can see, you can check it out. It's us three doing all movie previews guys. So it's, it's kind of cool. It's kind of funny. And we're on tuxedoes and get ready for undergroundy business. and we all take turns doing our movie previews guys. So it works out.

So it works out, kid. Do you guys remember, like, the first, because when you start comedy, like, you're struggling, you're not really making money. And obviously, you don't want to, I'm not asking to brag about money, but the first check where you're like, holy crap.

Like, I got, like, this is a check written to me. Yeah. Like, that must be crazy. I remember, yeah, I mean the first big check? Yeah, sure, whatever you, anyone. Mine was with Fred Silberman. I signed with him. I think he was a president of ABC at the,

the time or something and I sent me a check for 19,800 bucks and that's how much I owed on my Discover card exactly about maybe $10 off so as soon as I got I went to pay up my Discover card but other than that yeah I mean some of these corporate gigs they pay sick money you know you know you know you get 30,000 sometimes you're still going to Finland still going yeah I still go to I still go to I just got back from Australia and I went to Hong Kong you know and now Finland it's going to be a while before I go there because I was always up in Finland doing all the cities up there and it was it was a YouTube that was really responsible for that. So it's like, you know, sold a lot of tickets.

And I couldn't believe it that, you know, the internet was that powerful. So I still go there. I usually go to Sweden a lot too. But I got to get, I got to change up the act. You know, when I go there, you know, pull out the old stuff, get it, you know, tune it up a little bit. People like to see that. They like to see the old hits. So I'll do the movie previews guy and just add Chris Rock in there.

What's the deal with these don't tea? That kind of thing, you know. Do the Allstate guy. And people go, well, they don't know the Allstate guy there. I go, yeah, but they'll see the clip. Then they'll go to Allstate Guy. And then Allstate Guy will, you know, bounce in the Allstate guy. Are you in good hands?

Do the Decepticons and Transformers usually become a liability with Allstate? And what's up with Caitlin Jenner? How can you wear a thong when you got a dog? That kind of thing. Are you in good hands? So, those commercials have been going on for like 10 years now. So, you know, yes, farmers. and pop, pop, bong.

What's up with this? That's a black dude from Major League, right? Major League. Yeah, I forgot his name. Serrano. He was on the president. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm the president.

That's right. And what's up with this barraging guy going to sprint, man? That's a luminarian. Huh? Yeah, he did. That little chubby. Yeah, he's talking too. He's being chubby, too.

Yeah, he's talking to. He wasn't talking about. I saw that the other day. I'm like, that motherfucker. Yeah, he's talking, man. A little bidding war. That's kind of crazy. And Burger King's out of business, too.

What's up with that shit? Are they? Yeah, they're done. They're completely done, man. No, they're not. They just introduced the garden burger. What? People gonna go on there and eat that fucking plant burger, man.

You're telling me. They got a garden burger? They got a garden burger, supposedly. We're going to go try. I don't know, man. We just had one. I mean, right by the pep boys level, done. Really?

Yeah. Down and Redondo. Up in Redondo, man. But they were right by the Jehovah's Witness Church, too, and it was like, in the Colos Saturday. Yeah, that doesn't work. Yeah, the meat stuff. People don't want to eat people next to Jehovah Witness.

Yeah, yeah. You just don't want to do it. You're not in the mood. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, they leveled. I guess they're closing up a bunch of businesses now. Starbucks. Remember, there's a bunch of those, and they say that subway is going downhill after.

Thank God. I know. Kind of creepy. My fucking daughter hate Subway. She inherited that from you? Oh, my God. She is anti-subway. She just go out of rant about Subway.

All the sandwich. just taste the same. No, I don't know why. Somebody at school. Something happened with her and fucking subway. And she's six years old. She's like anti-fucking subway. She don't like the hamburger place across the pizza joint,

that new place where they make those creepy. Oh, I haven't been there yet, Burger M? Yeah, Burger M. That place looks weird, Dad. I'm like, fuck it. You got a good-eyed kid. Wow. Why don't you smoke pot?

You know, it was friendly in the beginning, but, man, it gets me paranoid. How about the pot cookies, pop brownies at night? Oh, jeez, I mean, yeah. For, yeah, subscribe by what, Dr. 420. I mean, you know, it just sinks and it's just, it's just make you feel like this. Hey, I'm slowly running a red light. I don't know why.

It's like, it's, it's, it worked, I'm leaving this front, I'm leaving the refrigerator door open a long time. Bob, you know how crazy I was. You know. Oh, yeah, you were smoking like crazy. I don't know how you did it. No, no, no. I'm not talking about the ref. I'm talking about, you know how crazy I was at the drugs.

I mean, I still sit here some nights and I go, I can't believe I'm not going to the bank to take $100 out to buy a gram a Coke. Right. Like, I really cannot believe it, Bob, and I try to explain it to people, and I can't even explain it because I don't believe it myself. You ever don't believe something. Yeah, you know.

Don't believe it. Like, I cannot believe I stop Snowden's Coke. Like, it baffles me. Like, these times I'm driving, I'm like, I hope this isn't a dream. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow I'm that fucking crazy guy And it's been

It's gonna be 12 years Wow 12 years Don't get me wrong I read some fucking couple of Vikings I drank a couple beers I read a couple Xanax I did a couple lines of ketamine

But I didn't do The Coke I didn't Break down and do the thing That was gonna eat me alive Yeah that's stuff me a lot when i watched ray the movie ray broke yeah yeah they said he was 64 when he finally got off harrow and i remember sitting there

going i can't take it to him 64 oh no there's no way i i think i was 44 right i was 44 i said there's no way i'm going to make 20 more years if i do a gram of coconut oh god three four nights a week there's no and that was just the starting point probably Right. Yeah, I know. Graham is where it starts. Yeah. Where it ends, you never know where the fuck it's going to end. Right. By the time I finished, I was doing heroin that summer.

Right. The summer of 2007, I was doing heroin. Were you smoking it or? Snorting. Snort. Oh, yeah. A quick line of Chinese heroin, and I was doing it on Mondays. Right.

And that kept me off the powder all week. All right. If I would do the heroin, that would keep me off the powder. Right. And then that on September and October, he stopped sending me heroin. So I went right back to the Coke. And it was like, it started at a gram. Right.

It started with a gram of 10, and then I sneak to Elkhinepard drink, another gram at 12. And you're drinking, too, on top of it, right? No. You never drank a cup. No, because my wife was in the other room, and I didn't want to know I was doing coke. Gosh, how can you maintain? You know, smoking camel lights, one after the other. Right.

To the fucking filter. They would turn off. They would burn the finger off and shit. Right. You know, and I decide to quit, whatever, 2007, November. the eighth or whatever the fuck it was. In the first month, I shot a movie, and then after then I sweat it out.

And then I came to the conclusion, I didn't like the word sober. I learned from being in federal rehab and from being on the rehab and prison and all that shit. Right. The hardest time I had was when you told me I couldn't do something. When you tell me I can't do something, I'm going to do it just out of spite. Don't fucking tell me that. Right.

Don't fucking tell me. I know not to do it. Don't fucking tell me, all right? I'm no doubt. So I'm one of those people that, you know, I sit here sometimes. I'm sitting with my daughter watching TV, and I go, fuck. I had a daughter 30 years ago that this didn't happen because if she was on my lap, I'd be thinking about how I was going to look at my next bag of powder.

You know, so we already know the thing about me being completely sober. So what I said was I said, I got a deal. No heroin, no Coke, no oxy-cottons, nothing heavy. Right. Not even alcohol. Like I avoid alcohol. I like it and I can drink it. Every time I get on a plane, I get a free drink.

You don't need fucking southwest vouchers I got. I got more southwest vouchers than they got. Right. But I came to a conclusion. I said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Just so I still feel dirty and I still feel that greasy of Joe Diaz. Right. I'm going to smoke dope.

Hey, man. Do edibles. Edibles. From time to time, I'm going to dabble. and some illegal fucking pill or acid, just to keep the back of the mind sane, just to let me think I'm still the piece of shit I always was. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I didn't like the day I snorted ketamine. It was fun. Ketamine is it? By a year ago when Y'ORomer was here, one of my buddies gave me a percassette. I ate a percassette one day on a Sunday. That was high for 12 hours. Really?

But I do it again? No, I didn't do it again. Was it a good buzz or was it good high? It was a fucked up high. I did this podcast. I cast at lunchtime. And him and his cousin was sitting there. He goes, you want to do a pill?

I go, why not? What am I? What am I? It's my mouth of medication. I took, like, one pill. And an hour later, I was off and running. Really? And I had a podcast that day.

And I had to work through it. Leigh didn't even know. I didn't say nothing to know about it. Wow. The thing that saved us was you all didn't get high, so I cleaned the office. But we got acid there. Right. I still got acid there.

I think we got rid of the ketamine. Something left the ketamine here that tried to, flew it away. I can't find it. Yeah, we have a little bit of everything. I just didn't want to be sober, and it's worked for me, Papa. Right. I just didn't want the word so, but I wanted to at least know that I did something. Right.

It doesn't have to be Coke, and it's working for me. It's 12 years. Hey, man. It's a long ago. It's just a little suggestion for you. Yeah, it's just... I think you're a fucking great kid. Oh, thanks, man. I think you're a great talent, and you want me to tell you something else. I think you ain't done yet.

I feel like I... I think you're just going into it. your fucking groove. I feel like I'm just starting. I'm just loving it, man. The longer you stay healthy, the deadlier you get, probably, though.

Yep. Well, thanks, man. Those are good words. And with all the stage standing, that's right. Pomp, pump, pomp, pomp, pomp. Yeah, I'm just so excited

just to get on stage nowadays. But yeah, it's, I feel like, I always feel like, I feel like 22 sometimes. You know, sometimes I get up and I feel like, did I go, well, about 28, 27, I just act like it, you know?

But never like, no getting up and feeling sore, you know? It's like get up, do a few pushups. Now, don't get too crazy working out because I hate, you know, doing the pushups and all that kind of thing. So just do a few pull-ups and, you know, it just cracked. You go on a meeting, as you said? Yeah, I go to the meetings. But, yeah, I haven't been to a meeting for like maybe two weeks, you know.

How come. Because there's that one guy, man, he's always pissed off, you know. He says the same story. And it's the same guy. I know there's a meeting every. The reason they call it A-A, because when you reach for a drink, they go, uh-uh, that's what happens, right? So basically, I thought alcoholic anonymous was a place where you can get drunk and no one said anything. But that's a, but you don't want to go in there drunk, though, because.

Do you have a response to now? No, no, not a spy. I kind of did, but, you know, he was bugging too much, you know, and just wanted to call me up. Hey, man, you're doing okay, you know. And I have dreams and stuff, you know, and they wanted to, you know, keep it level. And you, hey, me, want me to go to a show with you? No, don't go to a show. Just you stay home.

I'll call you. me and that's a way it is you know just keep that strength going and and uh yeah i'm a happy camper how's robert doing robert's doing great man you know that cuckuck i he's moving he's moving he's moving the nashville so he can be closer to new york and and disney's up there too you know his wife's a singer so uh he told me bablo you know but i'll still be bouncing over here and into los angeles and he still runs levy and he's a great guy one of my best friends is my best friend of him the guy looks out and he's a good dude good guy man and uh It's very smart.

And he goes, you know what? You just do what I say, and everything will be just fine. All right, cool. And he owns a lot of clubs now. It's crazy. You know, so if I want to work the funny bone or something, boom, there you go. It's been a long 20 years, Bob, blah, boy. You know what, brother?

Hey, man. We're still fucking here. Oh, yeah, absolutely. How fucking great is that. Yeah, I mean, come on. Look, time's going by quick, but I'm not getting any older, you know? No, you look beautiful. Thank you, man.

You really did. You surprised the shit out. Red on, man. You look good, too, man. What's the website? Where can they find you? Pablo-Francisco.com, and then you can hit the Twitters, you know, Pablo underscore Francisco. And check it out.

You know, you download some of my stuff. And, you know, if you want, you know, I'll be the comedy jukebox, you know. I'll take requests. Listen, I don't know your schedule by heart. I just looked at your website. I saw you taking it easy. You're not doing the old Pablo schedules have passed. I took three weeks off.

You know, I'm going to be in, I think I'm going to be in, I think somewhere in Boston. It's going to be the white. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got Houston. You got a couple great places. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, so we're going to just, you know, fill that out. I just can't wait to do Houston. Love Houston.

Houston rocks, man. Anytime you want to promote anything, you want to come up here and talk shit, you need to hug. You get in the car from the beach. Oh, yeah, man. Come on up here. And it's just a pleasure to see. I missed you last week at the Ice House.

Right, they switched our nights. And then a couple weeks ago, you were at the store, maybe? I was at the laugh factory. And I had a spot there, but you left before I got there. I got there before you got there. Hanging out with Jay Davis, yeah, man. So hanging out with Jay Davis, good guy. And looking forward, I'm going to try to, you know, bounce into the comedy store and see.

Last time I was there, I saw Joe. He was great. He was cool. Gave me some advice and really mellow guy. I wonder if it's going to be like a, is he ever going to have a boy, you know? You know, good old Joe. He's cool, man. Funny.

And his last special rocked. That was a little intimate. we're talking about intimate kind of shows and that that was hilarious you know one in denver no i think the wilbur wilbur yes yes yes that the wilbur has become has become a great place absolutely yeah great place to when i first did the woolba i was like yeah they sent some money into it they fixed it a little bit and the sound system is great yeah i like both his last specials i thought you were talking about i like denver's that's a rock that's a great city to do a special at right there's so many great places to do special.

There's so many great venues now. Right, right. You know, I thought that we had great venues 22 years ago. We lost the coconut improv. Oh, I know, huh? Which was just rehab central. But I think they reopened it, but somewhere in downtown. Right, they reopened Miami. They're

going to Miami. I think I'm going in October. Nice kid. But the, uh, coconut grove was just a once in a lifetime. Yeah, I was there all the time. I was too, you. Fuck. I was there six times a year for two weeks. Oh, God. Great.

And it would just be two weeks of blackout. There would be nothing but blackout. One night I would go to South Beach. My buddies owned a hotel on South Beach. They would pick me up at the improv, like maybe Monday morning, and I would go to South Beach, eat Cuban food all day, go on their balcony, get sun, and then at night we would just smoke dope.

That was the only night I had that was normal. I wouldn't do blow or nothing like that. I would just go down the side. No. No, I would only, like what I'm saying, In between those two weeks, I would only take one night off a blow. Right. In Miami, which was that Monday when I went to South Beach, there was a place walking distance

that had a bodega. The name of the hotel is called Paradise Point. Paralyze Point? Paradise Point. And every room is a different thing. Like one room is the Tucson room. Oh, okay, I got you. It's like cactuses and shit.

The other room is the boat room. You think you're in a boat. There's a fucking seal flying through the air. Right. And they would put me in a room. I was that dear friends at them. They wouldn't charge me. And you could walk two blocks to this bodega.

Have you ever seen the movie Empire? Yes. With John Leger Zambo, he goes to Miami, and he meets the guy at a table, and the guy goes, put your table on the, and he goes, what? He goes spit your gum out and put it on the table. Right. And when Legna Zamo goes under, the guy's got a gun there. That table is in front of that bodega.

Right, okay. Look at that boat. they got, I'm fine, you're like, let me tell you something. They gave you Cuban food by the pound. So you go in there with a fucking, you'd go in there with a celloph, I mean, Lee, a big

cellophane thing. And they would just pile it on. I think it was $2.99 a pound. I get like nine pounds. The shit of food. It was like laundry. And we get a rocum picalia, you know, brown beef with olives, and we get fried bananas by the pound. Like, everything was by

the pound. You got a couple of cocoa Rico's that coconut soda We'd walk back to Paradise two blocks away Two blocks away And we'd walk back to Paradise Point and get fucking Some people are your loser appetite but you would like You would get that. No no no other days I didn't do blow Right I would just refuel that's why I got up to

418 pounds nice kid I would do the intermittent for everybody oh I intermittent fasting yeah I'm doing it do you see what comes with it Intimit and fasting Miami because for three days you intermittent fast you don't eat You just drink I do the South And then the two days later, you eat all day. And now you're heavier than when you started. You're like, wait a second. I was 210 last week.

Yeah. That's intermittent fasting. It takes some and then more. Yeah. Because you got to stay on it for 10 years. It's crazy. For you to break the system. So I learned from intermittent fasting from doing bloke.

The biggest I got was intermittent fasting. Wow. Because you don't eat for two days. Right. And then you eat everything. Yeah, well, you know, the South Beach night, that was cocaine, techno dancing, and a little ecstasy. Somebody has been putting old clips of me up lately.

Like they found the clip of me when I did the one guy's show on stand-up show on stars. Right. And then somebody put up an episode of ER I did with a cut thumb. Wow. Somebody put that episode up a fucking cold case. And I looked at it and I had to turn it off. I almost started crying, Pablo. That was after two-week binge in Houston.

Really? That was that Christmas? Because Pete used to book me after Babbitt. Pete would book me the two weeks of Christmas, and then I would leave New Year's. Wow. Jim Gaffigan would come in New Year's Eve. Gaffigan, yes.

I would do those two weeks in Houston, drinking, snorting, and eating. You know, when you go for a cheese on with that, they give you a whole separate dish filled with French fries. at the Greek joint, whatever it's called. Here you go. They give you an egg omelet, thick, with cheese all on top of it,

not this fucking lactose-tolerant fucking delis around here. And then they give you a whole dish filled with fries and a whole dish filled with toast. You know how they give you two pieces of toast here? They'd be like, ate there at this place. Oh, that's good. And I would go in there every morning and drink, eat the cheese omelet with a dish of French fries

and 16 or 17 Coca-Cola's. Because after you do blow all night, there's nothing better than a can of Coca-Cola. Nice kid. Or ice tea? Yep, yeah. Ooh, a lot of lemon.

Yep. That fucking body needs that vitamin C, Jack. You orange juice. I think every single vitamins is taking out. I would fucking drink an orange treat. What do you think that orange juice does to you? It just puts fucking fat on you.

That's it. Really? Oh, my God. It's nothing but sugar. Yeah, but that's great. It's the good sugar. They're telling you now not to drink fucking juice no more. That's worse than so weird.

Oh, man. I heard juice kills cancer now. Now it doesn't. No, it depends. Like a little dash of pomegranate or something like that. Oh, okay, yeah. It's good for the dickstick. What's the name of the website, my brother?

Pablo Francisco. com. There you go. Pablo Francisco, I wish you all luck in the world. Thanks, buddy. Stay sober because with one year, you'll be the fucking killer. They can't resist you. That's real talent.

Man, thank you, man. No, Gartrety. Yeah, man. It's whistles, noises, you jump up and down, sweating profusiously. I know. Laying your soul on the stage for these motherfuckers. So if you have not seen Pablo Francisco lately, he ain't going nowhere, bitches. He's still alive and kick him.

Do not forget, I will be in New Orleans Friday at the Fillmore. A couple tickets left, and there's a couple tickets left for the tabernacle in Atlanta on Saturday night. And then at the end of the month, I'm at Columbus, Ohio at the Funny Bowl. I'm keeping my schedule light. like Pablo this year too. It's summertime. Keep it late. I got to hang out

my little six-year-old daughter. I want to thank Pablo Francisco for taking the time. It was a pleasure seeing you. You're one of my favorites in the business. I want to thank you motherfuckers for listening and I want to thank the Christ-killer for always being here

and taking bullshit and whatnot. I love you motherfuckers. Now, for a word from our sponsor, let me tell you something. Bidays are common in the rest of the world. A bidet saves you money on toilet paper. All right. The bidet

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7 o'clock, Steve Simone, be there or be square. I love you, motherfuckers. I want to thank Pablo. I want to thank my man the flying Jew, a.k.a.

K.k.a. K. And I want to thank you guys for always having them back. Have a great weekend. Have a great remainder of the week. We love you, cock sucker.

Stay black. Lee, this fucking meal.