The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #691 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: June 11, 2019

Josh Wolf, stand up comedian and co host of the "Prinze and the Wolf" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. 

So it's got to be 2008. And I just go on a video shooting spree. Joey Karates and all these fucking videos. So one day I got an idea. I go, let me go. I'm going to shoot a video in the fucking YMCA. And I got a towel. I put a Jewish star on it.

Like the Jews do. And I sat there. And I had a yarmulke. Before I go over, I get my man Damon stone to the gills. It was super silver haze. from the place on Sierra Bonita that sold tremendous weed the big fat dude Pete

whatever his name was he had weed that was deadly and on Tuesdays he had a chef from where Nicole Brown got killed that Metzaluna he was the pastry chef and he just opened up an edible company so he was making tiramisu

and all these exotic fucking things and he used to make this real at those days there was no milligrams on edibles so I give Damon on edible And you didn't know which half was the better half. Which one half was the better half. So I eat the edible with Damon.

We wait about 20 minutes. I look at Damon's face. I can tell he's hired and fuck. And our goal is to go into the YMC. I'm going to get naked. Put the towel up. I'm going to put the Yamacon. And I'm going to go into the steam room.

And I'm going to open up the door. And he's going to come in and shoot me. And I'm going to give the weekly picks. Whatever the fuck I was doing it. Yeah. So one thing leads to another. We walk into the Yime. The badge.

We go in and I get to the same as we walk. as we walk in after about nine o'clock because I said let's go after nine because the wives open to 11 I go let's go after nine because then it slows down yeah but after nine anybody who knows it's gay guys that go down there and they walk around naked they try to hit on other guys so you're at the Hawaiian Hollywood after nine a guy walk right past you with his dick out and go excuse me and you're like why are you naked in the back but you got to figure like this night's I would go in there at 445 and there'd be a guy coming down from meth naked as fuck looking to get his dick sucked and i'd go in and go what the fuck is this yeah

and there was one time i had words with the guy one time i said bro you gotta put your towel on and he goes there's my dick bother you i go bro you gotta put your fucking towel on you're a fucking you're a perverted motherfucker you want me to go to the front desk and he put his towel on but also like there's this also a certain age like when dudes right go past the age of 70 those guys never wear a fucking towel so i take damon down there i can see he's spooked i go to open up the steam because it's this fits yeah and then there's a steam and the steam you can't really look in or you see it's steam yeah so when you open it the steam clears and you can see so damon's got his head all my shoulder i open the door the steam clears and it's the biggest blackest motherfucker you've ever seen

with a dick that had to be cold it was still 22 inches saw the guy's dick and ran the fuck out of that. I had to put my towel out and chase him. I go, what's going on? He goes, that guy's dick was too big. Greetings from Podcastville, you bad motherfuckers. It's Tuesday, the 11th of motherfuckin' July. The podcast is brought to you by, on it, the best in supplements.

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Oh shit. Oh, shit. Time to take some fucking fentanyl off. Boom. The church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Jew Fest. this bitch i got josh wolf i got the flying jew aka the christ killer it's 104 degrees cop suckers we love you in the fancy skinny man died of a big disease with a little name

by chance his girlfriend came across a needle and soon she did the same at home there are a 17 year old boys and there i do you fucking nuts or what is being in a gang called the disciples high on crack Tone the machine gun There you go There you go This is fucking gets Smooth It's the church of what's happened now

It's Tuesday Listen, I'm sorry Atlanta I'm very sorry I'm gonna reschedule a date today I'm sorry about what happened On Saturday for you people Who want to know

What really happened was Our flight was at 10, 1130 It's supposed to get into fucking Atlanta 219 and they kept pushing the flight back and then at 3 o'clock they just canceled them. No, at 5 o'clock, they just canceled the motherfucker. And the next flight was at 609,

and that got delayed until 722. So we weren't going to get in until 10. I didn't want you people to sit there for fucking three hours. So my deepest motherfucking apologies. Once I got to Atlanta, guess what? They left my luggage in New Orleans. So I sat there until 5 in the morning away from my fucking luggage. What airline is that?

Delta, who I loved it, that. Everybody has a bad day. Yeah. You know, I was not angry. Steve Simone started to get a little bit angry at the counter, and I reminded him about Ralphie Mae was banned for life. What? Yeah, from Delta for kicking the counter at fucking LAX

because he got there 30 minutes before the flight. Yeah. And he missed it because he was a big shot. And he kicked the counter, and he said, fucking this sucks. And they came and said, don't ever come into Delta again. Get the fuck out.

Don't play out of an airport. Do not play an airport. When people tell me they play at an airport, I feel sorry for them. The TSA people have no time and the airline people have no time. Keep your mind shut. Don't crack no fucking jokes. Well, the jokes are done.

Don't say nothing about dynamite. Don't say nothing about fucking going through the machine. Just wear sweats so you don't have to take your belt off if you're a fat fuck. Put some nice NB, what do you call a new balance sneaks? Yeah. Slip on. Slip on. And be prepared to walk.

Slip a mom. And take a shirt and take a hooded sweatshirt. If it's cold on the plane and make sure in your fucking bag that you're carrying on, you have the essentials. You always have to have a joint roll. up and hidden a certain way in case your luggage gets lost you don't want to sit in your room like a fucking bumpy so thank god had edibles on me i had some fucking refra on me yeah a vapor pen on me that shit and i had my computer so i never get stuck i wasn't really stuck i took a shower i didn't have no fucking gel to put in my hair i looked like fucking zombo but i was still gonna fly i didn't give a

fuck jack where my fucking luggage they can't get in it because i got it locked i got one of those away suitcase is that they're guaranteed for life and it comes with a combination. You put on the plane? Well, I can even plug my phone on that bitch. You know that. You can charge your phone. It's tremendous. And I've had it for too much.

You got to see what it looks like. It looks like it went to Afghanistan and they shot it. It looks like one of those good fella cars. They treat your luggage like shit. I was fucking out. Oh, yeah. You know, they lost my bag. And then they wanted receipts.

They want receipts. They lost my bag. And I was like, listen, they said anything over. $150 that was in the suitcase we're going to need receipts I'm like well there was some clothing in there the jeans some the shoes they give you there's a thing right so I said they were over 150 and said we're going to need receipts for this and I said yeah but I've had them for like a year you know what I mean you think I keep the receipts for once I get clothes if I know I'm going to keep them I throw away the fucking receipt and they're like yeah it's just the policy I said but what

about the I said what about the clothes you're wearing you like them and she said but what about the clothes you're and you like them? And she said, yeah. And I said, do you have receipts for those? She said, no. But I didn't lose these clothes. I'm like, okay. So they didn't, they made me do receipts, which I didn't fucking have. And so then they wanted to, they were like, we'll give you something like $400 for the bag and everything it's in. But then I have to go down some place and sign some paperwork. Yeah. Oh, no, they make it rough for you. They put you on hold. It's an hour. They make it rough Let me tell you something, how I feel. And I told the lady when she called me

at three, and she goes, your luggage didn't come. And I go, let me ask you a question. Because this is what pisses me off, okay? This is what part of my beef is with society, and we've accepted it, is that I paid you $25 for that bag. Yeah? That means you're going to handle that bag with your life.

If not, don't charge me, and I'll expect to lose it. But once I pay that $25, you know they charge me $100. Why? Because my bag was two pounds over. They don't fuck around And I didn't have another bag And I wasn't in the mood to argue Listen, when I fly on Sunday

I don't want to argue Yeah, yeah I don't want to stand on the line You first flight guy? Yeah, first flight guy And this will kill me this week I didn't take the first flight out You take the first flight out

That's why I don't like doing city to city I like one city at a fucking time Yeah You know what? When I get fucking Ali Wong And then I can do two shows And then I don't know But until then I don't want to go

For city to city It bothers the fuck out of me It really does But that's also early flight after early flight is not good. Well, if you take the early flight and you get to a town, they're not going to check you in your room. Yeah. Right.

You're going to be walking around the town like a fucking Staminia. I don't want to do that either. I don't want to do it. The only one that has an early checker is high. And they'll give it to you. They'll check you in at nine. They don't fuck around. I'm like platinum on the eye.

Yeah. But that's why, like, if you, I would think most airlines, you wouldn't have to pay if your bag was over 50 pounds. They got me on the way back for many hours. that week when I did Wisconsin when I went when I was shooting the movie yeah the first week I had already 420 in Minneapolis and Milwaukee at the Papps on the way home from the Paps somebody gave me something like a sweatshirt or something I didn't I left my kickboxing stuff at my friend's car yeah but I forgot to take clothes out

of there got it got so when I went I don't know why they didn't charge me when I came back when he goes you two pounds over and I I just paid the yardstick because I don't want to argue with you it's not worth it I don't want to get No on a Sunday morning yeah yeah I don't want to argue with nobody on a Sunday morning I just did five fucking shows I just took pictures I talked to people I heard people's stories You know I'm not in the mood so that's I just feel if I pay you 25 dollars to handle something So how can my luggage still fucking be in fucking whatever there but but they're also like you fly as much as I do There's some things on a plane, too.

Like when somebody tries to fit an overhead bag, the size of a fucking coffin in the overhead, and they're just... I got a problem with the guitar guys. Take that guitar and show up your mother's ass. I check it underneath. Do not fucking bring the guitar on here. You're not going to serenade nobody.

You're just going to waste a fucking bit. With your fucking shitty band and your shitty fucking guitar. Check that fucking thing. It burns me to fuck up when I see some fucking guy with a guitar. And I don't know who it is. If it ain't Jimmy Page,

don't bring a guitar on the plane. If you ain't Dave Gilmore, Jimmy Page, or you ain't in the food fighters, leave your guitar, all right? Nobody knows you. Don't bring the guitar on to make the leaves. We're going to confuse you for somebody you're not. You're not in the red hot chili peppers.

Leave your fucking guitar underneath. And then you sit in the back. That's what really pisses me all. You want to bring a guitar? Buy a first-class ticket. So now you're going to fucking sit in the back with those Martians in the dungeon and fuck their shit up. Like, they don't

have it bad enough. You ever sit in first class and get up and look into the back of a plane? You advise people are not flying what you see. You see people stuck together. Even that seat behind first class, the ball leg room. They give you dick. You're still sitting next to two fucking idiots breathing on your neck.

It's a fucking nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare. I feel bad for people that don't fly when they fly and they tell them. We're gonna have a great time you're sitting back there fucking stuck my wife she's in for a treat and she doesn't know why because she's going to tennessee to nashville once you go but she came to me with the amount for the plane tickets yeah for the american and i told absolutely they wanted 700

yeah to go sit in the back on american allies to go to Nashville because every fucking star in the country lives in Nashville now. So if you go to Nashville, especially nonstop, right? You have to, it's, I could get a cheaper mint ticket to Kennedy than what it is to fly. Yeah, I have to go,

I have to fly back from Nashville. When does this come out? Tomorrow. I have to fly back from Nashville this weekend. This weekend? Next weekend. And I looked at that flight and I'm like,

one way, because I'm, It was like 600 bucks There's two places that they rape you And I can't figure out Well I know one place Nashville Yeah Because the movie stars

When you get on the ATL Also they rape you a little bit Yeah I'm gonna tell you What's the fucking other place Where they rape you To go to Philadelphia Come on

Have you ever seen What a ticket to Philadelphia cost Yeah I mean I do it once a year I look at the first class The regular And I go holy shit

Every year I say points just to go to Philly, just to fuck him. Just to fuck him. Like I got miles for you. Do you want a coach seat? First class. I got 50,000.

I'm covered. And then you can hear the crack over the phone. Joe, on the way back from New Zealand, I was, the guy says to me, I'm checking in. He said, we have one more first class seat available. Do you want to take it? And I was like, you know what? Because it would have been like I go how much American upgrade?

And he was like $1,100. And I was like, you know what? I've never done something like that. I'm going to fucking do it. It changed the entire experience. I never wanted to get off the plane. It was how many hours? 14 out of 15 hours.

You do anything 15 hours. You got to take care of you. Yeah. You know what? It's not something I would usually spend money on. Honestly, I would be like, no, that's wait. too much but it had been such a long trip I was gone for almost three weeks

and I was like you know what I'm gonna fucking I worked hard this trip I'm putting on a car and go out it was I would do it again it changed the whole the trip there I was in I was in the back the trip back I was in the front

it changed your wife she stayed home she was selling because we were selling the house okay so she didn't go to New Zealand no it was just made she was gonna go she was gonna go so you ended up making money yeah You bring your wife, you break even.

That's why I told you. You remember how bad I was with money? Yeah? And I used to talk to you and go, what the fuck? The day you justified your girlfriend taking $20 out of the bank every day, I listened to him. I'm like, you know, he's a cheap fuck, but he's right. Yeah. $20 every day for lunch.

$20? It's $600 a fucking money. Oh, my God. You know what, but that's the thing, like nothing. I would rather you buy something big than nickel and dime made to death. Do you know what I mean? It's just the, that is just a slow. It's like the Chinese torture.

Just watching it go at $20 a bit because you know I was checking it every 30, 40 minutes. Oh. I said, you know, a garlic for you there. You eat yet? You eat yet? Yeah. All right. I know you didn't eat so you could smell that.

That's like a food substitute. But you... My farts. It's got protein. Carol was tight while money. Who? Carol. Oh, she still has the...

She was tight. She was the tightest, tightest person I've ever met my life. She was tight. Listen, it's tight for the wrong reason. Yeah. I tip. I leave tips in hotel rooms. Yeah.

I spread it. That's always been, even when I didn't have it, I always spread it. That's why I have the friends I have. When I robbed somebody, I'd make your conspiracy, whether you wanted to or not, when Lee came up to you later and goes, Joe Diaz robbed my house. And you're like, he gave me 300 of the house for him. You couldn't say nothing because you know 300 of your money was Lee's pocket. You know what I was?

Or vice versa. So I would make your conspiracy right off the back. You didn't even need to do nothing around me. I just throw you $200 and a week later, you're like, Joey Diaz robbed my house. He took my fucking pound the coat. And you're like, you came over and left me a gram of Coke. No wonder.

Now I can't even fucking say nothing because I'm responsible. You called me from New Zealand. It was one of the most interesting calls I've had in a long time because one thing I really, really am. I'm not saying this for the podcast or whatever. It's very humble and thankful. Yeah. Very humbled and thankful.

I know that this ends. I know that I'm not better than nobody else. I know I put my pants on alone. I get a time like everybody else. I just put in the fucking work, you know. You and I go back, if you really think about it, to 1995. Yeah. This is 2018.

That means we were doing comedy, and you called me, and you said, I'm here in New Zealand. I'm walking the streets in New Zealand, and I'm thinking about how much time I put into this to get here and how happy I am. And I might not be making a lot of money, and I got off the phone with you, and I'm like, you know, he's getting it. There's one when you come to LA. There's two reasons to come to LA. There's the reason to be a star. And for me, it was just to survive. I never thought I was good enough to get a movie.

I always don't. I remember Valerie. Valerie, whatever, telling me, I get your job as an extra. I'm like, really? And she's like, yeah, I'm working on friends. Remember she used to leave animals on the set and play with them so they could, she told her mom that she left the thing on the set. And while you were watching it, the fucking headpick.

Yeah, fucking hilarious. I thought I'd be an extra. So I just wanted to survive. There's people who come here, they're gonna be stars, they become stars, and they get a shock of fucking reality. They get a little knockout to the head, and then they either smooth it out or they go away. Yeah.

60% of them go away, because they can't handle the fucking failure. 40% say, you know what, at the end of the day, I was a stand-up anyway. I didn't come here to make movies or TV shows, or to have a show, I came here just to be a fucking comic. And when you really grab that,

whether you're a comic or a lawyer, when you really see the work that you've put into something, it's hard to believe. And it came to you in New Zealand. Chelsea, this, that, Greg Garcia, you know, you opened up for these guys, this has all been part of your fucking journey. That's why I explain the people

that they have to have a comedy journey. you know if do you think I would have handled this the way I did if I didn't do comedy for 20 years this weekend most comics would have had a heart attack if they missed their flight whatever that's normal I know what you can and you can't do if you rush it you're just going to put on a bad show like and you know the agents were like you know they'll wait till 10 and I'm like I wouldn't wait for Led Zeppelin for three hours yeah never mind some of fat fucking comic that's gonna say dirty fucking words reschedule it I don't want to go there yeah gun to my head I don't I don't want to run there and be in a rush.

And look, thank God I didn't say to wait, because my luggage never got there. This is things you learned from doing comedy. I told Jeff Lewis today, I go, Jeff, my apologies to you for not doing the show. But I've learned something when I was a kid that if something sucks in the beginning, it's going to suck all the way through.

Yeah. Only an idiot doesn't know that. Yeah. Something sucks the very first moment. It's going to suck all the way through. This flight already started. bad it's delayed it's been delayed three times yeah does that tell you that tells you something ain't right whatever you got to go to that funeral you ain't gonna make nope you're not gonna make

it sit up sit back go to the bar if you need a cocktail for me i just popped another a little bit i just popped a hundred milligram dude you know what else oh you know from being on stage so long and this dawned on me the other day if i if i list the things that have happened to me while i've been on stage electricity going out Mike's going out, you know, the whole building going out, people fighting in the audience, people throwing up on the stage, somebody have sex in the audience, you know, you could name almost anything, right? And because almost anything has happened, it dawned on me a couple years ago. And it's something shifted in my, in the way I do stand-up. You can't surprise me

with anything. Do you know what I mean? I feel almost more comfortable on stage than I do off. I'm in a way more sure of myself and what's going to happen. You know what I mean? Like I feel almost more comfortable standing up there than sometimes I do off. I just feel like I know what's going to happen. Do you know what I mean when I go on the road. I know even if something weird happened, I've seen so, it's hard to like. The first time you saw a woman's pussy from the stage. Yeah. Remember you couldn't say the joke afterward. You were just like, yeah, I was having a good time. Joe. I remember there was a time when once a month I had a girl, those triple runs. Yeah. They have the girl, the people go to throw you off. And on those triple runs once a month, there's always that one hot girl that shows up

with a guy and doesn't wear underwear. And she just opens her legs throughout the whole show. And you look at it because that's what you do. Yeah. With me too is, you got to look. You know what I'm saying? But after a while, you're like, I can't look because she knows. She's smiling.

Yeah. The boyfriend is in love. He's like, my wife is the hottest thing. Meanwhile, she's showing that plan. And it's fucking throws you off. The first time you're like, you fucking actually go. And you're like, sorry, I just had a little brain fart. No, you didn't.

You just saw somebody snatch. And she saw it. She saw how you reacted. So now she's going to open up her legs more. That drew me off the first time. Something as simple as that. I used to get thrown off by people with white hair. Really?

I looked out in the audience and I saw a guy with hair like that. Why? Because they didn't think you didn't think they'd get the jokes? I didn't think I'd get them. Yeah. I didn't think. I thought that used to throw me too. Like there was so many things I would put on my act.

And in life, it's the same things we do in life. We put roadblocks in front of ourselves. Joe, in Cleveland, last time I was there, or two times ago, there was a guy in the second row finger-banging the girl next to him not subtly he was a full arm-length away so he literally he looked like a DJ scratching a record that's how subtle it was

from the stage and I'm looking at it and I didn't say anything because honestly it just gave me something different to look at I see everything you know what I mean I'm like I've never seen that in the at a show before finger-banging this girl they ended up getting kicked out for something completely different because he ended up talking to the show. But I asked everybody in the crowd, I'm like, did you guys see that?

And they were like, fuck, yes. With the whole crowd. But we just went on with the, you know what I mean? Like, what am I going to do? Hey, your finger banging that girl? Like, what am I going to say? I don't want to embarrass them. It's actually kind of funny to me.

What the fuck? But that's what I mean. Like, at comics in Mohegan, there was a woman in the, front row this is on the video is on my YouTube page I just happened to tape the show she threw up in her cup it was an empty giant margarita cup she threw up in it four times but like this she would go like this ready and just because she didn't want to get kicked out of the show so she would throw up in her mouth hold it in her mouth no liquid no liquid came out and then she would just open her mouth like a bit like baby bird you know like you would

feet of baby bird and drop it into the cup she did it one time her friend leaned over and this is on the video too her friend leaned over to say something I thought she was going to say hey we should get you out here and she leaned over they were right up front there were nurses and she leaned over she goes get your shit together and she threw up in the cup four times three times maybe and I finally had to kick her out not because she was disrupting the show because nobody besides me and her friend saw her Nobody in the whole show. I had to kick her out because she filled up the cup. I didn't want her to throw it up on the ground and making the waitstaff clean it up, right?

So she walks out. And I asked. Did you bring the cup with her? Did she leave the cup? No, she left the cup. So surely every, if they didn't saw the finger bang, surely everybody saw this woman in the front row. They were like, nobody saw anything. She was so stealth.

She wanted to stay. So honestly, I felt bad asking her to leave because she was trying so hard to stay. You know what I mean? She was putting in 100, so. I had a lady in front row, puk on the stage. Where were you? Where were you? Houston.

Moa and Mia was here two weeks ago, and I wanted to tell him the story. Which club? Not the lap stop or the lap spot. This was the one where he developed at with the Spanish one on the other side of town, were him, Ralphie, O'Ral. That club was a little bit more raw. You know, the lap stop were white people, very nice. You know, it's West Gray, very nice, two star bucks on the corner.

But the other, the joke joint. Today it's a joke joint. That's what they call it, the joke joint. Right. That was called Danny Martinez owned it. And one time he said, I want you the headline here. He didn't show up on Friday. His wife was there.

She would let me work dirty. I'm struggling. And then fucking towards the end of my set. I see this lady put a hand up and the puke went. Oh, no. And then she removed the hand, and she just went, blah, all over the front table. And on the stage, I did about two minutes and the smell.

I'm vomiting. Everybody fucking around and started walking out, you have to be a trooper to live through that on stage. You just throw your hands up and you go back to your room and go, what the fuck was that? Ever. I can tell you the closest I've been. been to walking off stage.

I was in Myrtle Beach. And these people were talking in the audience. And I was kind of talking to them. And then another table got tired of them talking to. And then they started to argue with each other. And there was nobody from the staff coming in to break it up.

And nothing I was saying was that, so they, I just sat on the stage and watched them argue and pretend fight. It had to be five minutes. And I was like, I'm just, because I couldn't at the time figure out how to control it. And I was like, do I just walk off the fucking stay? Like I've literally lost control of this show. I can't get either table to calm down.

And then other people are screaming at the tables and I can't control the crowd at all. And I just sat there. It was the closest I've ever been to saying, fuck this. If I, like, if this is going to be the whole show and I can't control it, I got to walk off. I just sat. I ordered a couple drinks and just sat and waited for them to get tired of yelling each other. But I didn't know that was the closest I've ever been to walking off. You've ever been close?

No. No. I've never been close to walking off. I've had my moments when I want to cry. Yeah. Up on stage where like you're either doing really bad or you're just not getting it. When I was doing Coke, because all I would think about was going on stage and doing. How did that change?

The quicker I got off. Got it. I could get to my fucking little voodoo bag of debt. So I had that problem for a long time, and I just wanted to fulfill my obligation. I didn't really give a fuck about what I talked about on stage, and that's why I really had no success at that area, even though I was doing movies and stuff.

I really had no control. I was just doing it to go on the road and not, you know, when you have an addiction, you go on the road and nobody knows about it here. I would do it once a week here when I was on the road. every night you know Wednesday through Sunday or you I mean you still remember Beaumont I mean that was just you know I think about Beaumont I want to get sick you know it took me a week from the OD on Sunday to Friday my face was bent like my face

was bent for five fucking days I couldn't talk yeah I was like how you doing yeah I said what's going on with you I go none I got a toothache it was fucking terrible yeah like I can't explain the people I didn't I like didn't I that at one point yeah on stage and you said to me Josh wolf Josh wolf and I was in the back here yeah you come up here and help me get on the stool and I go no and you were like fuck but you were on your knees you weren't laying down you were on your knees and you had the mic resting on your belly I remember that sure I couldn't help you onto the fucking stool my fucking shirt was

Yeah. I wore those big daddy shirts on. You took those Xanax before you went on stage. No, you took the Xanax before I went on stage. 30 of them? Yeah, you took them before I went on stage. 30 of them and three days. Yeah.

10 milligrams Xanax I was eating. And the last night I definitely ate 10 or 12. You were, I don't think. But you know what's crazy? It didn't kill you. Is it bad? No. No, he just eats fish and protein shakes out there.

That's not a bad fart at all God damn it That's all he does He thinks about what he can eat to make a fart to smell bad You know we did that in college In college we were fucking dumb Basically my roommate Challenged another two guys

We're basically we're like We're gonna lock ourselves in our rooms for a weekend We're gonna eat the worst things in the world And we're gonna see once and for all Who's got the worst room And I didn't make it the whole weekend I woke up like on a I think I woke up on Saturday

I had to make it till like Sunday at 8 I woke up on Sunday morning and I was like I can't this is this is as far as I go He's two and a half times as old as you were Yeah so But he's done some damage And at this point he knows exactly

What makes him fart the worst Who? You garlic What is it fish Oh albac sushi Yeah It's like I'm a mind reader

with onions, jalapenos, and garlic clothes. Oh, that's the end. The first two or three farts are just brutal. They're just brutal. When I go to sushi dan, I mean, I haven't been there like two or three weeks. But when I go to sushi dan, I get the sizzling albacore. It's six pieces of albacore just with onions, alipanio, and fucking garlic clothes and a little bit of olive oil.

And it's delicious. But what comes out of your ass two hours later, it's just disgusting. Once the onion mixes with the fucking garlic, you have a big problem. And then the jalapeno mix the fart spicy. People sniff it and their nose hairs go on fire. Yeah, and it feels like a paper cut when it comes out of your asshole. You're like, oh shit. It's like the paper cut.

Yeah, those are bad. It's terrible. I don't eat the fart. I don't know what I'm going to fart. For me, dried apricots. Like if I want to torture Beth, I'll get it. I'll just buy a bag of dried apricots and I hide them at the house. And if she's bothering me, I'll go eat some dried apricots.

There's that place on Lancashem. They make protein shakes once every two weeks. Yeah. Yeah. Go over there. It's not, it's not, it's not going to be a good protein shake for you because they put fruit in it. There's a lot of sugar in it. Right.

But just to switch it up, it's called macrofuel. Yeah. It's a chocolate milkshake over there on Lancashem. They put dates in there. That'll fuck you up too. Let me tell you something. Yep. You have no.

Yeah. idea of what comes out of you when you eat dates. The odor that's why I had to stop you going there. It's rough. Because I would have the shakes and go Jesus Christ, I would be driving back from the comedy store at night and I would fart on World King and almost crashed the fucking car.

You ever fart in your car and keep the windows rolled up and see if it smells in the next morning? No. I like to do that. Do you ever do that? I don't do it. I don't do it. I don't do it. I don't want to do it. Definitely what I don't want my car to smell like shit. I hate my car. Stinking it. I got to go in there with Oseum anyway.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I go on there with Oseum every fucking day. When I started up, I just blow it and put Oseum in there to kill the Espiritos and everything fucking in between, you know what I'm saying? So now you're going to the UK, and these are both your first time to do in comedy abroad. What did you feel was different when you went abroad? I was really scared. In my world, people are people.

Yeah. After 20 years, you realize people are people. No matter whether you go to a tent. If you ain't funny, they ain't going to, you know. So, yeah, I agree with you 100%, but sometimes I was going by myself, so I did a lot of thinking. And sometimes, you know, your old insecurities or who you used to be can creep in and bring some self-doubt. And I started to think, well, is the sense of humor the same? I mean, I know what I'm, you know, and I just started to creep into my own head.

And I couldn't wait just to get that first set out of the way. And as soon as I got the first set out of the way, I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, exactly what you said. People are people. If you're funny. People are people. If you're funny, you're funny. Yeah, no. Denver audiences are better than the Ohio audience. You don't know what you're talking about.

No. People are people. If you're funny, they're going to be a good audience. You know, I don't think I had the best show in my life in New Orleans. I was kind of fucking rusty. You know, even though I get on stage at the store, the hour is the big difference. Yeah. That hour is a big fucking difference. You know, 15 minutes I could do sleeping.

I did 12 hours and 14 days. And so I was sharp. Sharp. So you did how many shows over there in New Zealand? Well, I was in Australia too. So you did Australia and New Zealand. Yeah. It was amazing, man.

It was really cool. It was super humbling, you know, to think that I'm just doing my little fucking dumb shit over here and there are people over there that will come and excited. Like excited. My show in Brisbane at the was a different experience. for me altogether. I could feel that it was a different energy when I walked on stage. Like those people were excited to be there.

And it felt I couldn't. I was, I told them like this is top five show I've ever had. It's a different experience. It was amazing. I was really humbling, man. Because, you know, I've told you this before. I know the list of people I would leave the house to pay and go see.

So the fact that I'm on somebody's list is humbling every time I step on the stage. Like these people left the house to come see me. And they got a baby sister. Yeah. Like it blows my fucking mind. Think about who you would leave the house, honestly, to pay, bring your wife and go see. It's not that big of a list. It's not that big of a list.

So the fact that you're on somebody's list, that's why it bothers me when I hear people blame crowds. They came to see you, man. They came to see you. so they want you to do well I and I don't like when people blame small crowds either because those people also left the house to see you so do your do your job you know what I mean it's really it's super cool it was really very humbling

it's you know you do stand up you starve I mean you starve no matter what type artist you are in the beginning you know I I generalize and I stay stand up because that's what know about but I still remember being an apprentice electrician and starving on apprentice carpenter you know you you starve for a couple of years until you fall in love with something but listen I really enjoyed my open mic life like my mother died when I was a kid but I got to tell you I still had a great childhood my open my career I consider it brilliant I think until I spun my wheels

so I was 29 years old. And before I got into comedy, I really fucking thought about it. Because I knew if I get into this and I failed, I was out of options. I was out of options. So when I picked this, the first two years,

I didn't know what I was doing, which nobody really knows. And then once I got a grip of what I wanted to do, and when I got an answer, of what I wanted to do and where I wanted to take it, then I count that. Like, yeah, I started in 91, but I really started in October, 93. That's when I saw the big picture, and that's when I attacked it.

And I could look you in the face and tell you that I did it the right way. I was thinking about this the other day. I was an open mic for seven years. Yeah. With no qualms. Yeah. I was thinking about the same day. How many sets, when we first got to LA for the first year, two years,

How many sets of week you think you were doing? I was doing four at the store, one at the improv, one at the Laugh Factory. And you did two or three of those funny mics somewhere around town. Every night I did a Mexican room. With Rudy and the... With Rudy, either Rudy, Felipe. Do you still have the notebooks, all the mics that you did? Yes, I still have everything going back to 90s.

I was thinking about how many mics we would... Yeah, that was the... Gold. You know, when I lived in Boulder, I had to really work for sets, so it taught me a lot. Every set was gold. It wasn't, there wasn't four sets a week on Monday. Mondays was the Outback. Way before Outback Saloon, this was the Outback Australian bar, and it was an Australian theme.

And they had a stage. You think they put us on the stage? No. We were in the back, in the sound room, five feet longer than this. And the room had, it was a rehearsal space with pads, on the wall. So bands could rehearse in there while people were at the bar and they wouldn't hear them. And they would let me go up there. Andy Payton would put me on every Monday for 10 fucking minutes. So I learned how to treat those spots like gold. The comedy works only put

you on once every three weeks for three minutes. There was that many open mics there, open micers. Wednesday I had a place. Thursday had a place. And then Friday and Saturday I also got spots and none of the clubs like me so I wouldn't get guests spots when I went to Seattle we had the chubby chick on Mondays and Tacoma yeah very sweet you just reached out to me she's great Susan Susan you had the comedy underground yeah we had that Archie Fartze bar with the cages yep but we also had we had and we had another open mic on Tuesday yeah now if you don't think I've thought about this a lot you sent me a list a couple weeks ago. I showed on the podcast

with Brody, God rest of soul and all this shit. That Monday, Tuesday opened my combination. It was deadly, dude. It was deadly. Because we had two nights to come up with material. So if it didn't work Monday, Carl would give you another chance.

So you use what work and then you threw an extra minute. Because it was six minutes, right? Yeah, depending on. Yeah, yeah. Because they trained you for the Seattle comedy competition. Yeah. That's why they were doing six minutes to keep it for Seattle. So it was all six minutes sets. I think the closer was 10 minutes.

Yeah. So that was the deal, but that was one of the biggest educations I got. Not only that, if you remember, like one-nighters were one-nighters. So we didn't, we weren't learning in three or five or seven-minute spots. When you went to Tacoma, when you went to Olympia, when you even went up north to Everett, you were doing 15 minutes. You were doing 15 and 30. Yeah, you were, so when you had it or not, no, book you, you had 20 minutes and you could improvise for five. Laura Crocker.

Yeah, but you were getting up there. Pat Wilson. The MC had to do 15 minutes. So you would get on stage, your 12 fucking time, and you had to stand up there for 15 minutes. And so it taught that, that was a huge education. But it didn't prepare us to come here because I was used to having 15 minutes. And, you know, that first set at the store for three was like, with the lights on in that fucking room, you're like, what the fuck is going on? You know, you can see everybody.

Nobody gives a fuck who you are. You thought you were the king of the hill. But when I left Seattle, I left with a little more confidence than I should have had. I mean, let's be honest. Because you think, since you're doing so well somewhere else, that you're just going to come here and pick up, did you think you were kind of, I'm going to. come up and I mean obviously I didn't think it was going to be the same but I was going to be like oh I've been doing this for a little while I'm part of the young guns of comedy like I can I'm going to come down here and of course I'm going to be at the store no you start no matter who

you are almost you start over you start over you know you first of all you lose eight minutes because you have Seattle yeah yeah that's the worst when you come down and you're like what about that judge you're like what judge you're like oh shit the Seahawk jokes don't work down yeah that's it now you got to read yeah you just lose ten minutes when you move here you lose 10 fucking minutes when I came down here I came down here when you came down here I wish you all luck in the world I didn't think I was ready I didn't have no real connections I didn't know anybody then I started fucking on the Latino laugh festival yeah and they flew me down and that shit and they

didn't put me on so that was my only experience like I told Pablo when he was here I came down here I saw Pablo do Seinfeld in Spanish yeah I was like I don't belong here. Let's get that out of the way. I'm just some fucking dirty comic. I accept that. Yeah. And then I came down here on Monday and Tuesday I think you mean Gavin went to the laugh factory. Yep. And stood online. Yeah. And then he told me, he goes, you're great, but you don't belong here. You're a cabaret comic. Get a van, go on the road and do dirty jokes in the road. You'll make a million dollars. I was crushed. I was crushed. Nobody knows that. That James Massada. I got here on a Monday. And Tuesday night,

I stood out there all day. Richard whatever brought us water. And we stood out there. Me and Gavin alternated going over to the coffee shop in that mall downstairs, the coffee bean. If you cross the street from the coffee shop, it was completely different mall back then. That management company was there.

Lemley was still there. Lemley was still there, but there was a coffee bean. And I still remember my second day, my first day here, me and Gavin and you, I think it was just me and Gavin. Went down there at 8. Well, you too. And then we had to come back at six. But I still remember going across the street

and seeing the guy that was really hot at the time. He did that movie with Paulie Shore, a real good-looking dude. Brendan Fraser. Brendan Fraser. We saw him at Starbucks. I had a coffee bean on. I'm like, oh, shit.

I'm at the right motherfucker fucking place. Then all of a sudden, Richard Lewis pulled up and gave me water. I was like, oh, I'm at the right player. Do you know what? So he told you not to be dirty. Do you know what he told me? don't talk about your kids

nobody wants to hear you talk about your kids that was the first thing he told me and I was like okay dog I fucking waited online yeah I waited in the sun then at six o'clock they gave you the number

we ran home I'm hyped I was at the store the night before fucking Don Barris put me up at the store the night before because the black kid what's the black kid that took us to a strip club in Seattle that time

and he rented a convertible Bima, and he took us to that strip club and paid for that Eddie Griffin hated him. The singer. The singer. The singer came in as I was talking... He used to wear the big fedora hat. As I was talking to Dom Barris. He came in, he goes, hey. James?

James Stevens the 3rd. Yeah, thank you. God bless him. And he came in and he goes... He was a super nice guy, man. He came on and he goes, when did you come down here? He said, he goes, you want to go on stage? He said, well, fuck yeah. And he went up to Don Barris. There was two people. And this was my first L.A. Hell yeah.

Premier, two people in the fucking audience. Die the slow. I had never seen two people. Yeah. So I got off the stage. I saw wheels. I saw Eddie Griffin. I saw Tumach from the Last Dragon.

Yeah. And I was like, I don't know. This isn't going to work. And then that next Tuesday, I went to that Laugh Factory, bro, and I killed. I could look in the face. It was three minutes. Yeah. I was just used to doing six minutes for Monday and Tuesday for 18 months.

You're not going to fuck with me. No, no, no, no. I went up there and I did three minutes. I ripped that rule apart, and I waited on the line like, I'm going to be a regular one. And, bro, I walked in there like, Jamie, how are you doing? He's like, sit down, my friend. You're very funny, but you do not belong in L.A.

Yeah. You're too blue. You're the cabaret comic. You're not going to make it here. You're not going to, you cannot perform in my club. That was my wake-up call to L.A. And here I am, 22 years. Yeah.

That was my first day in the life. Like that guy cracking me. Like going home being cracked. But dude, you never, you never changed. No, you never. I saw Doug Stanhope and coached and horses. And he goes, why the long face? And I told him and he goes, fuck him.

He don't know nothing about comedy. And he started breaking down the history of L.A. And he was a dormant at the store. And he tried to copy. Mitzie, I got nothing against Jamie. Jamie's a great guy. Great guy. He is a great guy.

At the time, that was what it was. That's who I was at that time, you know. And he told me, don't worry about the fucking laugh at you. I'll get you at the comedy store. And sure enough, he called. I thought he was lying to me. You know, people tell you I'll call.

A week later, I got a call from fucking Scott Day telling me you got to showcase. Scott Day. It's going to be six months until you get the showcase, because we're behind. If I make six months. Six months. How many times did you showcase for her?

A moment. February 19th. I showcased on the 12th. and for three minutes. Yeah. And she goes, can you get there with 10? And a week later, I came on the 19th, on a Sunday night. And she goes, call Scott tomorrow.

That's awesome. You know, but this is Jim M. Sala telling me he hated me. Yeah. Now, somebody else would have got in the car and left. Yeah. Somebody else would have said, that's the hottest club in L.A., because it was the hottest club at the time. For a long time.

And look what happened. Monday nights weren't his night. They were a produced show. And the kid Gilbert got, you know he's still alive I owe Gilbert a lot and Rudy and those guys Gilbert would tell me

come by every Monday I'm gonna give you 20 Gilbert and they would give you 25 bucks yeah 25 bucks was like fucking oh my God Rudy used to give us a little money

to drive out there too 40 bucks yeah 40 bucks and then you got the connection in Chino oh yeah they gave you coke till four in the morning

I came over your house on a Monday and you're like you gotta go to Chino those motherfucker's and I'm like how long is the drive you like two hours but it's worth it open bar oh my god he tried to pay me in hookers I was like this is not how it's working man yeah no you know paid me in hunger yeah it was great you were the one that was like oh he was like I'll pay you

in hookers I'm like that's not how we're doing this I can't you know my kids are kind of hungry I can't be like hey here's deal I don't have food but they still have that game my finger you know what I mean what's that I still that kid I was asking you if they don't have that dude's got to be in jail I the first time I went out there I went out there with Danny Kelly that's right that's right was Danny Kelly's hookup yeah went out there with Danny Kelly Monday you were talking to the guy and everybody was planning a big show down there huge he was going to yeah all this shit and I'm like oh boy these guys but we used to go to even

when I was a regular at the store I don't know what was the name of the open mic we went to okay we used to go to the one on Barhand yeah do you remember Barham had the fucking library Oh my God And then but you And Gavin and me And there was somebody else

We used to go to a coffee shop But on sunset No Santa Monica Boulevard Not Santa Monica the city Yeah It was close to where you lived It was

Where White Lightning Had his little Jamaican bar Yeah yeah yeah yeah What's that fucking street? What's that street? Larchmont. The end of life. Was it that far?

Yes. His Jamaican bar was at Larchmont. But I do remember we also had the union. The union. And we also had that place you got us in where we all ate a bag of dicks. Yeah. Except with a black guy with draughts.

That fucking bar on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. No. In the middle. It's the people still smoking there. I heard that if a cop goes in there, they spit in his face. And they threw cigarettes out of this shit. They had a balcony, and that's where we did comedy.

And it was me, you, Cory Miller. Yeah. And the black guy with the drugs. Yeah, yeah. No, it wasn't the pizza joint. No, no, no, not pizza. It was in Hollywood. It was in Hollywood in between.

What's it called on Cherokee? It's on, yeah. It's on Cherokee. Yeah, yeah, I know. Dive bar. You got us in the back. In the back. And I bombed, you bombed, and Corey Miller.

Yeah. Fucking went up there. and destroyed them and I'm like I got a quick cut how many rooms do you think that between you and I we started and got you and just got shut down in our time here because he's got we made I made for a little while that's how I made money like that improv show that I did remember that one and that uh and the union And the union was, the union was fucking the best. But before the union, you and I booked Tuesday nights at 11 o'clock at the Impro. Yes.

And we would never get to go on right off the back. You and I talked that lady. Yeah. To letting us book the Improv. This is fucking 98. Yeah. And we would go down there and fucking wait. And then Damon Waynes would come in.

Always. bump us on Wednesday. We wouldn't get on until 1 o'clock. They said to us, after the show, if you and Josh Wolf won't, you'd go up there and do like a dirty show and you could put a couple of your friends with the audience. Yeah. And they would go, all right, after the show, we got another show for you. Josh Wolf and Friends, and the whole room would get up. And two lonely people would just sit there, and we'd be like,

oh, this is going to be great. I remember telling managers to come see me up there. And we had like eight people. Do you remember I had two managers there one night, one on one side of the room, one on the other side of the room? And you're like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, I'm working both these managers. They're both going to sign me. Then I got to know.

I had agents coming down. At one point in time. I had three agents. Yeah. And nobody knew about each other. Whoever got the prize first got the commission. That's it. I had to get three guys.

Yeah. Like one guy can't cover me because you're all a bunch of dumb fucks. So I got three guys. I got the breakdowns. Yep. And I just gave orders. I would get up at six fucking hungover from the night before, snort and coke. I get the breakdowns from Shubby Doob, and I just scroll them, 80 fucking pages every morning.

And write down Leeds and send them to all three agents. So when they got in their office at 9 o'clock, they already had the submissions. Yeah. We used to do those breakdowns. And then used to get them from Wendy Liebonds manager, where Mitch Hedberg's girlfriend was the assistant for the fucking guy. What was that dude's name? Old guy, he's dead in bed. That guy died twice already.

He was 80 when you were talking to him. He came to the show and that. I thought he was fucking a dude. Oh, my God. I thought he was Burns. He came with a cigar. I remember one day you're like, this might be my future manager.

I go, Josh, he's 100 years old, this fucking guy. He was old. I represented Johnny Carson 58. Yeah. He had Wendy. He had like four people who were pretty good. But he had, you walked into his office, and there was like Henny Youngman's headshot.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. What the fuck. He had a picture of the declaration of independence and stand up. He booked the show. This guy, he showed up with fucking dandruff on. Like, Josh. The guy's got dandruff on his fucking shit.

And he was, by the way. Segundo. Not Barry Segundo. Oh, my God. Barry Segundo. And he had like, he would wear like an old ass carty. Oh. And just that in a holes in it and shit.

You look back and you go, what the fuck convinced us to stay here? Who the fuck gave us permission to stay here? Remember, we came here, and for the first 18 months, we were on the left. And then it just became a party. We were going out four nights a week. Yeah. And just fucking party. What ever happened to those twins?

The twins. I still remember walking around. into your house and Malia. Oh, the twins. The one twin on the balcony with candles and I'm like, what's going on? You're talking about the one dude who was on Buffy? Yes. So,

I believe it's Nick and Kelly, and I don't remember his last name, but Nick was on Buffy. Nick, I think got arrested not too long ago for something not great.

You would have to look it up I forget it's something where you were like you know some things people get arrested before you're like okay but some things you're like I it was one of those and Kelly disappeared he just went a Nick what was his name Nicholas Brendan Nicholas Brendan thank you how many people did we actually see coming oh man just look at that first uh picture of that very first set list that you sent me a long ago the names that I recognize are sully McCullough me you and Dave Chappelle. And that was it.

But you have to be able to ride out the storm. How many times did you think to yourself, dude, what the fuck am I doing here? How many times? How many times did I bomb at the store and sit in the car and go, that's going to be my last setting? Yeah. Like I'll never get another set again. This is not going to work out for me. I'm just going to snort Coke until I die.

When people ask you, when people ask you, hey, I want to get into stand-up, what's your advice? The only thing I ever say is get on stage. Because if you get on stage and it breaks you, then this is not for you. Do you know, that's it. The stage will tell you, before you start writing a ton of material and shit and blah, get on fucking stage. Because that first time you might get on stage and be like, oh, fuck this. I've got enough rejection in my life.

Like, I feel bad enough about myself. Because sometimes, but sometimes the stage is like, dude, when you used to get on stage at the underground, how much were you looking forward to it? How much? Like, when you saw your name on this, you're like, fuck, yes. That's when I knew, because I could not wait to do that six minutes. Eight o'clock could not come quick enough.

Come on. Eight o'clock could not come quick enough. In those days, I don't know if you remember, We would meet at 6.30. Yeah? 6.30. Our hearts were beaten. You couldn't wait to kick down that door.

And God forbid somebody came to us and said, we got another gig for you today. Because, like I said, I come from Denver where there was a... Listen, bro. There's times I get a check now. From a residual. I look at it and I know that's not going to make. I got the mentalist last week.

I did the mentalist, what, eight years ago? Yeah. And I still get like a hundred dollar residuals. And I look at those $100 residuals. There are a lot of money. Yeah. $100 and a lot of money in today's economy. And I look at it and I go, what did I do to deserve this?

You know, when I met Slash in 98, he goes, you're broke right now. Cherish this. Because this is what's going to keep you grounded 20 years from now. And boy, was he right? Because now I have justification. I didn't steal it. I didn't kiss nobody's ass for it. I worked for this bitch.

I went in, I auditioned. The mentalist I got on Twitter. Get out. I put down, I took a picture of the audition with Stephen Bowell. I went to the audition, Steve Bowie was there. So I took a picture of Stephen Bowen and put it up and goes, there's an audition of mentalist. That night, I got a letter, email from the author of the book.

He goes, tell me what row you want. And made the assail, I go, just give me the little one. because I was looking for two moms. Yeah. I could have had the big role, but I wasn't greedy like that. I was like, just give me the little one that I read for.

Two lines with the stars. But you've always just wanted to work. Yeah, what is the purpose of being here? Yeah. You've always just, but that was. There's eight avenues to make a living here. Yeah. If you can't make a living, shame on you.

I'm not a director. I'm not a producer. Yeah. I'm a comic. I can write. I can do VOs. I can do television. I can do movies.

I got five ways to make a fucking income check. five ways the last two weeks I've booked voiceovers you know I got five ways to make a fucking living shame on me yeah shame on me shame on me but what I mean is but that's been that's your goal your goal wasn't to be a big star not at all don't that I don't want to be Kevin hard but that separates like that's different I don't want any of that no no you've always just wanted to work not you've want to take pictures of the premiere no I don't want to do another that shit you know this week is the rap party for the movie I did the soprano there.

And I've gotten 20 calls. And I love life, but I'm not getting to the plane. I got to get a house anywhere. I didn't get into this to go to the park. No, I know you didn't. You've said that a million times. A million times.

I didn't get into this to go to parties. And that's what separated me. Yes, without that. Two hundred people. Yeah. That they moved here and they tried to combine the party with the whatever. I'm what you call a functioning addict.

I love to fuck around I love to fuck around But at 7 o'clock It's chop chop I don't know what you're talking about I went to bed at 5 I've been storting coke all night So save your sob story for somebody else You're dealing with the real fucking deal here

You're dealing with somebody way You know I took my uncle To the baseball game a couple weeks ago To the Met Dodger game Yeah The wife, the daughter we all went Whatever And the next day he called me to thank me

It was that meant the world to me that you took me after, especially after the relationship we've had. He goes, you've grown up to be a good kid and all this shit. And he goes, I gotta take something. He goes, you know, for years, everybody said you look like your mother and your father. He goes, it came to me last night. You're your fucking grandfather. He goes, you know what your grandfather did for a living?

He left the house every day at six, and he picked up shit from the street, and he'd fix it and painted and then sell it for $50 worth over his value. He was a savage. He fed nine kids. He bought a house here. He goes, and he just made enough, but he got up every morning, no matter what condition. He goes, he died with his stomach hanging out,

but he'd still go out every morning when he was 70 at 6 and pick up garbage and fix this and fix that. And he goes, that's who you are, only at a higher level. Yeah. But that's where you started. That was in your DNA that you've got to get up. I don't give it along what you're doing. Yeah.

You don't mean nothing. Don't hit me with no excuses. You're sick. Listen, you're talking to the wrong guy. You're talking to the wrong motherfucker. I used to snort till six. I used to remember snort and sucking at that sunset, that dirty hotel across from the fucking rouse that they were doing now.

I still been in there and getting bit by a flea in your neck and shit. You get those bed bugs. And looking at my pager and there was a call from Chuck Pagano, the casting director that I'm running late for a callback for a James Colburn movie. bro, I brushed my teeth and I flew the fuck up there and I booked a fucking movie straight off of Coke

I woke up at 10 and the guy was supposed to be at Radford at 11 o'clock he called me like at fucking 10 to 11 because I don't see you out in the waiting room you got to call back you want this movie or not I go dog I forgot all about it

I looked at my eyes I had those cocaine eyes I'm like I'm not going to get this but I'm going up there and I nailed it on fucking coke from a from robin that fucking, I robbed the ski company. Remember the job you got me opening up for the ski company? Remember, first it was somebody else's and he gave it to you.

Henry, who gave it? Somebody Miller is the name of the company. Warren Miller. But then who did you work for? Who gave it to you? Matt Parrott. Matt. Where is he?

You know what? I had two numbers for him. He's gone. He's got. He's got. I texted him. Matt Parrot also got you the job writing on the gang show. Matt Parrott looked out for me, man.

Matt Perry, good guy. Really good dude. And still buddies with Billy Gardell. Is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he still sees Billy. But I've been trying to, I've been trying to find him, but he gave you the job. Yeah, a couple of them.

And you did it for two years. Yeah. Warren Miller. Yeah. Then they gave it to me. I think it was $800 a night. Yeah, it was pretty good money, man. It was good money.

Yeah. It was $800 a night. They gave you one check to cover three weeks. So good. And then you had to wait, but there were two young kids. from college from Boulder. And I'm watching them like, oh, God. I'm seeing that they charge $20 at the door.

And they're counting cash afterward and putting in an envelope up. And I'm like, oh, these motherfuckers. I'm like, these two idiots are going to go down. They don't know that I'm a master of deception. So I did the two weeks up north. Remember you had to start up north? Yeah, yeah.

And then you worked yourself down to Carlsbad and San Diego Who's car were you driving at the time? Terry's. The green Dodge, that was a piece of shit that the Spadominole we just go around in circles

when you had 25. We were broke as fuck. 800 a fucking night and she was going down with me to make sure I brought the check home. Like the first time I told I'm picking up $8,000. She's like, I'm going with you.

Yeah. And we stopped. That's probably pretty smart. Baker's Field and bought a TV. I still got that TV. Get to fucking out. I won't let it. get out of that TV. That's the first TV I bought with the sweat of comedy. Does it still have,

is this thick? $200, you can't pick it up. It's one of those thick, yeah. You can't, fucking Hercules can't pick that TV. Do you still watch it? Yeah, it's in the bedroom. Get the fuck out of here. I refuse to, I go, you don't know how much, we still got the original VCR too that we bought on. Does it work? Yeah. You use it? Yeah, the CD. It's in the bedroom. Oh, Mercy has it. A CD player. That's amazing. And it still work. We stopped in Bakersfield and they're eating the neon. Yeah. The neon.

And we put the TV in the trunk like Puerto Ricans. Yeah, it was hanging out. Hanging out of five coming home. And I'll never forget that a fucking, when I was down in Carl's Bad with her, we went to a Kmart to buy clothes. And when we walked our socks and white underwear and all that shit, that's how broke out with to buy socks. And when we walked out, there was a burrito lady walking around in the parking lot.

I bought two burritos and two tamales. And after I bit the tamale, I go, we got to go back. We made a U-turn on the five. We went all the way back and bought the lady out. That's how good the top of it. That's how fat of a fuck I was. I bought the lady out with the money from Warren Miller. But so now I work Thursday, Friday, and I'm watching them.

They got sold out crowds. I'm watching them put this money in the sack. I'm watching them put it in a Nissan truck. They're fucking every night. It's adding up. It's adding up. And finally Sunday, I watch them. him and I'm like how am I going to steal that fucking dough?

And I watched the kid counting because you had to go up and host in the beginning and then go up in the middle and do a raffle. Yeah. Give away skis and a movie by Warren Miller. And I went in and I seen the kid put the fucking thing in. And then he went to the passenger side, the driver's side of his Nissan truck and put it right behind the seat and closed the door and they went, tick, tick. And he put his keys in his jacket.

But guess what? A little girl walked in with a miniskirt and he was drooling all over. Like, he's like, what can I do for you? So he went to a bar and I watched his jacket. He didn't take his jacket. And while he was at the bar, I took his car keys. And I went outside. I went, click, click.

And I put the car keys back in his pocket. And I went and got the neon. And I drove all the way around the corner. I parked right next to his truck. I climbed into the passenger side of the neon. opened my door and opened his passenger door and I just stuck my hand in there and took whatever I could in one chunk. I just took a handful of bills, closed the door, and I fucking went down the corner and put it in the trunk under the tire in case the cops pulled me on. I went back to work.

I went back in and did the raffle. And then they're like, we don't have to work because they would give you a hotel. Yeah. So they said, we don't have to work tomorrow. I go, I'm going back. Love you guys. See you later. And I fucking just drove

until I passed immigration and I pulled over and I stopped counting on a thousand. And there was still a stack of dogs left and I go, fuck this shit. And I shot right up there. It was a Sunday night and I went right to the comedy store

and I saw the man. He took his hat off for you? What do you want? Five of them? I go, no. Give me everything. He goes, Joey, I got like 20 of them.

Give me everything. And he gave me every package and I went to that fucking hotel across the street from sunset. Oh my God. And just started snorting up a fucking storm. He called two days later. Hey man, did you see anything suspicious that night out there? I did see a fucking weird dude. I don't know if he was black or Puerto Rican.

He got to throw the racist card. Yeah, yeah. He goes, yeah, I saw that black dude. Boom, I was off the suspicion list. And then that Tuesday, I had like 10,000, whatever the fuck I had. There was another gig in Ontario, and I just called him and said, I can't make it. Hey, do you, do you, did you come down and visit me on that set, The Prefontein set. Yeah, and we almost robbed that joint thing. Yeah. We had a deal.

We were going to rob the car. With a raffle. With a raffle. We were going to plant somebody in the audience and give them a raffle ticket. Here's all. I was working. The movie was Prefontein and I was doing crowd work in the stadium scenes. In Eugene.

In Eugene. Oregon. So they would give you stupid games. To control a stadium for the people is just ridiculous. But you would do big stupid games or you would raffle off cool prizes. What happened to her? What was her name? The redhead.

The redhead and the other. She got me that job. Yes. And then they came down here with us. Yeah. And then she auditioned me a couple times. What was her name? At the park.

I read for her at the park one day. What was her name? There was the one good looking one and the redheaded one. The brown head one had like hair to the side with glasses. I don't remember her at all. I remember the redheaded girl. They were very good to us. Yeah.

She was really nice. I wish I remembered her name. I guess I stopped hearing from her. somewhere around 98, I would think, 99. 99, probably. 99. Joshua people have common God. Yeah. Speaking of which,

it's been four months, how do you feel about Brody now? I thought you were going to pick me a picture of Brody today. Somebody gave me a picture. Some artists drew pictures of Brody for everybody. Yeah. And they dropped them off at the store, and the guy gave it to me.

And I put it in my back seat without looking at it. The other night, I went to the car, and I found it. and I almost had a fucking heart attack. But now I'm mad at Brody. Well, I'm not the anger period of Brody right now. Like, I don't even want to see his fucking face. Like, when I saw that picture, I'm like, that was just a mask you were wearing.

Yeah. Like, now I found myself angry at fucking him for some reason. See, I go the other way. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for him. You know. I felt sorry from the beginning. Yeah.

And I knew this would happen. Yeah. I'm that type of guy because I even got mad at my mother for a while. Like I got mad at my mother for dying So why wouldn't I get mad at well listen You're the first person who ever said Remember when we were in Seattle when Cobain killed himself

And you were when people were mourning and all that shit right You were like what are they Why are they mourning that coward? You were like fuck that guy Like you were you were legit It was the first time I had ever heard someone say like Why are they mourning this fucking guy Like he chose

it was the first time I'd ever heard anyone say that but I still don't get mad like for Brody I feel bad just knowing that he had that mask that whole time just knowing that that was

he was living with that shit all the time that's tough for me open that door a little bit brother's getting hot there once I say the I uh when he shot himself I was in Boulder and I still remember

that I had bought a batch of coke that week and I was so greedy I cut it with not cut I don't remember what I cut it with but when I went to take it to the guy the guy's like this isn't what I wanted this is yours and I learned a big lesson

not to cut coke with like fucking weird shit but I wasn't going to throw away the Coke so I started snorting the coke and I swear to God by the end of the week I had like Batman marks both of these were raw like it was just pink skin

I couldn't even leave the house. This was all burnt because whatever powder I put in there burnt the outside of my nose and it dripped. Where did we get Coke in Seattle? I don't remember. We weren't getting it from Lionel, right? Oh, you know where I was getting it? Remember that waitress?

Sharon. We were getting there from a couple different people. I was getting Coke from Seattle. Lionel was getting it from that one. Then I got arrested. When I got arrested one time for the stolen car in Seattle, that drug dealer came up to me. And he goes, when you got arrested, did you say anything? And I go, what are you talking about?

I didn't get arrested for drugs. He goes, well, ever since you got arrested, I see cops in my rearview mirror. I'm going to listen, you're just reading too many comic books. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Nobody, it was a stolen copy. There was nothing to talk about. They didn't even talk to me the cops.

What are you talking about? They let me out. They were the dealership in Everett Said oh we found the fucking car It's not stolen they let me out of there But I remember like he was a burly guy There was a bunch of drug dealers up there I was in bad shape up there

Yeah like I was in really bad shape up there Now you think back at it But it's just really weird The other day I saw that picture of bro and I'm like fuck I'm kind of angry at him That thing he had on was just a mask the whole time He was broken inside Yeah but so how can you be mad at somebody

Who's broken like that You know what I mean? He let me down. He broke my heart. It's like a girl breaking your heart. I don't care how much you love him when she breaks your heart. The first two months you're kind of angry.

He broke my heart. He broke my heart on a fucking Friday before a gig. You're going to kill yourself. Kill yourself on a Sunday. Give me a couple days to fucking recover. You're going to kill yourself on a fucking Thursday night before all the comedians have to work on Friday. So I'm actually, that's the reason why.

I'm mad him because he killed himself on a Thursday night. And he fucked up my Friday. He made me test my wit by going on stage. That was a tough. That was tough. You know, I love him with all my heart. I hope God has him in his hand, you know, and he's curing him. But for right now, I'm a little angry.

I was mad at Ralphie, too, for a couple days. You know, you knew you were heavy, and you're eating those jalapeno poppers. But he wanted. Yeah, no, no, there's two different stories and stuff. Here's the thing with Brody for me is that I actually thought about him also when I was in New Zealand. Sure you did. I think about him every time I'm on the road. Yeah. And it's one of the things that made me so grateful.

It's one of the reasons that I called you because you and I started together. And it was important for me. I didn't call anybody else until I didn't call Beth. That wasn't something I needed to share with her. But it was something I needed to share with you because, we've been doing this since basically our day ones. So who else would I tell that? And the reason I thought of Brody is because he was the other person I would have called

to say, this is a fucking amazing experience. Look where we all are. So it made me think about him a lot. Have you ever on stage and say to yourself, wow, I'm doing this because of the work I did in 95 and 96th? Do you ever see that? I do see. Not when I'm on stage, it doesn't happen.

I see that. When I'm on stage and I'm smooth, I'm like, this is because of the work I did 95 through 99. This is, I worked really hard. I think I worked really hard until 2002, where I remember I came to L.A. bombed one night and said, fuck, I'm going on the road.

I can't be talking this nonsense. I got to go on the road, hide, and come back another level. Yeah. And that's exactly why I did. I came back another level because I was on the road for eight, fucking months every night you're on stage

every night big show little show bar show what makes you sharp when you get to a town the comics will say hey I got a one night or I kept see it pays a hundred tomorrow night you're like wow I didn't expect that now I could stay in a hotel and eat you know like that's the fucking challenge

that's part of the fucking journey is to see what's out there what's behind the fucking corner yeah you can also tell somebody well you could before who had spent some time on the road You could tell. Oh, you could tell.

Yeah. You could always tell. Just the difference also, but the, but, like, if you craft your set three, five minutes at a time, like you do, you have to do here, seven minutes at a time. It's a different than going on the road and crafting your set out there. Right. No, the road material and L.A. material are two different shows. Two different shows.

The road is something completely different, but you can experiment and take it out a little deeper. Here in L.A., you have to cut it down to what. they know there's more universal whatever the problem the best thing about Seattle too Joe was that we experimented a lot like there was a lot there was a sense of just get up there and do whatever the fuck you want to do you know what I mean there was zero judgment there were some weird motherfuckers that came to that open mic there were some weird fucking people who gave that open mic it was a mental health thing that I didn't see that now you look back on it the kid with

the handcuff that ended up killing himself. You know, Rita O. God rest of soul. There was a lot of people up there. God. That the open mic was a mental health. Do you remember that guy who used to do impersonations? Yeah, oh, we cracked them. And he would, every time he did an impersonation,

he would turn his back to you. And you would go, okay, this is my impersonation of Denzel Washington. And he'd turn his back. And then he'd turn around and do it. And then there was a, and then you said to him. He would an impersonation of a comic. And his fucking soul crack. He fucked him up.

And do you remember that other dude who did impersonations? But he naturally sounded like Jimmy Stewart. So every impersonation just sounded like Jimmy Stewart doing an impersonation. And we were like, hey, why don't you do a Jimmy Stewart impersonation? He was like, no, I don't do that very well. You know who's in town this week? Fuck talking about. But I'm thinking of going.

Count Hopkins. Is he? No. He was in Seattle not too long ago. No. Brad Upton. He's funny, man. As flappers.

I think sad. Is he really? I'm going to stop by. He's fucking funny. He was very good to me. Yeah. You know, when a comic is very clean, they avoid you like the plague and they make a judgmental move that they don't want to follow you or be around you.

He was a guy that was spotless, funny, a professional, the real deal. And he encouraged me. He used to encourage me to go off. Go off. I don't give a fuck. Go off. So those people like that, that's all part of this fucking journey. Yeah.

You, me. Brody, Tainer, you have those memories in your heart forever. Plus, the most important thing, no matter what happens. When I go on stage and I bomb, bro, I don't get depressed. I look for bombs because on the way home, I know I did the work. At the end of the day, that's the most important thing. People know when you're going to have bad sets and you have to understand that. But I always know that no matter what happens,

when I do the podcast, that I always did the work. You know, I see what I do when I do a movie now. Like, I could just quit stand up and act. I'm not going to make any money, but I'm good at it now because I've been doing it for 20 years in a thousand different situations. You know, I did $100 a day movies. I did general hospital.

I did all these different types of stuff. But now I go on a fucking set, and I'm unstop. But I did my time. Yeah. Like I ate shit and I did the co-stars. Hey, don't park there. You know, all those stupid, you know, like shit that nobody's going to see. But you still do it just to learn just to get the experience.

When do you go to Europe? I go to the UK in July. July what? You don't know? It's on my website, comedian joshwulf. Okay. Go to comedian joshwolf. com.

New York City this fall in weekend, 21st and 22nd at Gotham. So not Father's Day? No, I'm flying back here at Father's Day. Okay, where are you this weekend? I do Charlotte on Thursday, Atlanta on Friday, Nashville on Saturday. Really? Yeah. That's a nice little schedule.

Yeah, it's right there, too. Those are easy trips. No, no, no, no, no. They're just tiny little like theaters, and I'm with Saratiana. Okay, good, good, good. So these guys will come on and see you. I love to Saratian. You guys, she's the best.

It's good to see you. I'm happy you've made time for me. I'm happy you call from New Zealand because it made me realize how lucky I was. and that we've been in the struggle since 95. But it doesn't matter whether you're Kevin Hart. It doesn't matter. I didn't go out, start this to be Kevin Hart. I started just to be Joe Diaz,

and I didn't care whether I failed as long as I know that I tried. So thank you for reminding me of what we got. And don't forget, Saturday the 15th, I'm at the motherfucking ice house, and then the 28th through the 30th. I'm at the funny bone in Columbus, Ohio, with my man Steve.

motherfucking Simone. Before I leave, I want to talk to you, people, give some shoutouts to my sponsors here. Listen, picking a reliable CBD company is like, you know, what the fuck? You know, they're all everywhere. Everybody's got billboards. You're trying this out.

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I want to thank Josh Wolf. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for having my back. And I'm very sorry about Atlanta. I will get a make-up date and let you guys know as soon as it comes in. That's it. And that's that. You'll fucking hear from us on Wednesday morning. Tip-top Magoo.

I love you, motherfuckers. I want to thank Josh. I want to thank the fucking flying Jew. But like I said, I want to thank you guys. I'll see you Saturday night at the motherfucker ice house. 7.30 tip-top Magoo. Stay black.

Kick this fucking meal. Pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I A somebody who will swear to be true As you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn That misery loves company Wait and see

I want to be around see how he does it When he breaks your heart two bits Let's see if a puzzle fits So fine That's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there applauding from a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you