The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #693 - Andrew Santino

Episode Date: June 18, 2019

Andrew Santino, a stand up comedian, actor seen in "I'm Dying Up Here," and the host of the "Whiskey Ginger" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio!  This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your portable bidet.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. 

Food is big when you're an open mic. Oh, man. That's the, that's the fucking cherry on top. Yeah. You care about the food more than the cash sometimes. Yeah. When they go, then we got food. You're like, we got a free dough. All right, fuck the comedy.

I'll come down. Oh, fuck, yeah. We got dinner. Yeah, you can get a steak if you want. Yeah. Most people get the shrimp and you're like, be your head's about to blow. I haven't seen shrimp for years.

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and the excuses. We're going deep, bitch, into the murky waters with motherfucking Metallica. Here you go. Are you fucking getting me? Get that. the ridge ready.

We'll shoot heroin today, motherfucker. Are you fucking kidding me? Andrew Santino. Yeah, baby. The Christ killer. And your uncle Joey, baby. What are you fucking nuts? Monday morning.

Taking you right to the fucking heart. I worry you, Mr. Santana. Good, brother. That's so fucking. That's what a way to start the show, huh? God damn, Metallica, though. That pushes your heart to the next limit. What's going on in your world?

Nothing, brother. I'm good. I just got back from Connecticut. You know? moving along bridgeport the motherfucking high-like capital yeah bitch yeah that's where people die that's where people die on purpose not on accident

that's where people die on purpose I was about to fucking end it there right by the water they built a brand new oyster house and across the street from the or across the water from the oyster house power plant I was like brand new and they got the ugliest fucking view in the bay of a power plant and they're selling you know they're trying to sell all this space

condos all this shit shout out Bridgeport thanks for coming out to the shows it was good we had a good time I just, you know, I was like, this is, this city is fucking no joke. It looks like, you know what it looks like? It feels like everybody cleared out, you know? Like, they just went somewhere else. Like, they built up this little downtown and no one came.

It's like if you build it, they'll come. They didn't fucking come. They didn't show up to that. Nobody showed up. You know, these cities are trying to lure you back. My wife called. Last night we talked for a little while. She went back to visit a family in Tennessee.

And she was telling me, she goes, my mom and dad told me they're about to sell the house and move with this civilization but as humans yeah with as humans again you know there's nothing going on in her town what part of tennessee do you know the name it's by myland it's by myelin and dire and uh i forget the name but what the fuck it's on the tip of my tongue but she said she took my daughter and her cousins to this other town to a a fucking rodeo. And she goes, you know, all the kids I grew up and all their families, they disappeared because the area is dried off.

Yeah. And there's nothing you could do. You know, they've taken out all these significant little places that employed, you know, half a million people and gave this town daylight. You know, whether it's Fisher Price toys or whatever the fuck it is, you know. And now you have these cities where Google's moving in and all these big companies are moving in. And there's, you know, Reno is on the up. You know, all these little Columbus, Ohio's on the up. All these places, my niece dates a guy outside of Indianapolis

that they just like a big chain opened up a restaurant there. In Indianapolis? Yeah. Somewhere outside Indiana. She lands in Indianapolis and drives an hour. There's so many headquarters out there. And she goes, yeah, there's nothing out there. Yeah, until a big company comes in.

So they're hoping for Starbucks. Fuck yeah. Google, Amazon, all that shit. You know, Walmart, all those places. And they'll be there eventually. Yeah. Because people are leaving the big cities. You're not getting the back.

When you're intelligent and one, because we all have a fucking economic awakening. Yeah. You know. Oh, yeah. I'm paying this. I'm doing this. I'm doing this.

And what do I get from it? Sunshine. You know, when you go to anywhere outside of L.A., The only thing we miss is sunshine. Yeah, that's it. You go, wow, I could use some fucking sun today. Yeah. Like, we become addicted to the sunlight.

Like, wow. You know, you go to these cities on the weekends. There's no sun. No. Three days. There's no fucking sun. When it comes out, people come out just to hang by a building and shit like that. So eventually everybody one day goes, what the fuck am I doing with my life?

Yeah. And they go to a neighbor that suits them. You know, last year when I went to Columbus, I noticed at the shows, were a little bit more packed than usual. Yeah. And I noticed that I saw a lot of Yankee hats. I'm like, why don't these fucking Yankee hats?

And then I went to a kickbox one day and I saw a New York-style sandwich place and a New York-style hot-dog place. A couple months later, I'm home, and there it is. In the New York Times, the city where New Yorkers are escaping to, by the grove, by the fucking, you know, 30,000 a month.

Damn. They're going to Columbus or... Why Columbus? What do you think? It's just nicer and cheaper and more livable. You look at your paycheck and you go, what the fuck am I doing? Yeah. You know, when I was in New York shooting a movie, I would go over to Jersey at night.

And people come up to me on the ferry and go, yeah, listen to the podcast, nice to meet you. And I would talk to him. Yeah. There's this one guy that said, by me living in Jersey and working where I work and the tack, he goes, I take a $30,000. I don't know what exactly he was talking. I don't understand that. But he goes, if I lived in New York, my paycheck would be that much smaller by me taking this ferry.

Even though I have to take the ferry at 18 a whack, nine each way. Jesus. I still save money on taxes. Yeah, because living in the city's unbelievable, man. And the other side of it is, because you were saying like they wait for big companies, the other side of it is, though, is that a lot of people are paying their workers to work from home. So you could work anywhere for a lot of these companies. So you could, why not move to Ohio or anywhere?

If you don't need to be there. Also, people want to escape some, if they're in a place where they're like, they don't like the environment anymore, like, did you see the preacher in Knoxville? Did you see about this preacher in Knoxville? That bought a plane. Nah, no, no, that's funny as shit. That was a funny interview. No, no, this preacher in Knoxville is going on the other day.

Leviticus 22 about like killing gays. Like, he's like, we got, dude, this guy was like a, uh, he's the chief of police. He's a police. And he's on there being like killed. The Bible says these hot Sadamites need to be murdered. I mean, he's talking, he's like preaching murder. And this guy's the head of the cops, bro. In Knoxville?

Is that where it was? Somewhere like, man. Let me look at home. Yeah. Preaching murder to his church. And he's like, you don't like it? Get out. I was like, this motherfucker is serious about this hate.

I mean, that's not like, say some foul shit at the house to somebody. Like, you know, I'm not really a fan of fucking Puerto Rican. No, this is guy, he's on the stand screaming at a church full of people. Being like, these homos need to get taken down where they live. Go to the parade. take them all out at the parade this motherfucker's crazy there's some places in this country it's still 1970 I know dude this motherfucker was nuts some people like that oh well listen there was enough people there that were loving it some people like they were cheering it on

Knoxville yeah Knoxville some people you know there's parts in this country where you got to be real fucking careful damn noxville is uh University of Tennessee is in Knoxville massive college man great great comedy town yeah man I haven't been there in 20 years um Music shop that was tremendous. I bought a sound guard now I'm there that I never had before. Just a great city, but they're just... Behind. Something's behind, man.

Where are you from the original? Chicago. What made you leave? Comedy. I wanted so bad. Well, I wanted... I mean, nobody leaves. You know, no one leaves.

None of my... My whole family's in Chicago. Nobody leaves. And I really badly wanted... I wanted to get into the world of comedy so bad. I wanted to either write it or perform it. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was like, I got to get the fuck out of here. And I knew if I went to New York, it'd be too close to home.

You know what I mean? It'd be like, I could just bounce back to Chicago. It's not that far. And I wanted to come to California because as a kid, you're fascinated with California. You know, it's like, you see all these movies as a kid, and California has this allure to it. And I badly wanted to get out to California, but I couldn't afford to go to school out here or anything like that. So I slowly bounced my way west. I was in Arizona first.

and then I came out here because that's all I wanted, man. That's the only thing I gave a shit about was like, this is where the thing is that I can get comedy done. Let me ask you a question. Coming from Chicago. Yeah. A very artsy, fartzy city, great art city. Yeah.

You know, great community. One of the kids I did the movie with, said, I live in, I'm from Jersey. I went to Chicago because I had a girlfriend. And I ended up staying because the art community was so strong. whether I do spoken word or music or stand up. He was like it's so tight. And I still remember going to Second City.

One of the producers out here for CAA that produced a movie I was in is from Chicago. And he goes, if you're in Chicago, look me out. I looked him up. I went to his office and his offices in the building at Second City. Right. Is it second city? Second City, yeah. And then down the corner is one of the Zanis.

Zanis on, yeah, Old Town on Wells. Yep. Sainees is. It's literally a block away. A block away. I remember him taking me and showing me. I'm going to like, that's fucking remarkable. You know, like, and Ramos was living there

and all those movies in the 80s, 16 candles. Right. I think planes, trains and automobiles, all those movies. John Hughes, man. It was just something that you, it's accepted there. How was your family and friends towards the arts? Were they open-minded?

You know. Right. That's all. All right. You just fucking said it You just said it You know like every time I go home It's like how's Hollywood

Big Shot you know with all those homos In Hollywood You know you're like you're such a You're a queer because you came out here That's what it is like You suck a dick out there in Hollywood You suck a dick by the beach You'd rollerblades

Immediately it's all this like They shit on the idea of this thing And look people say that all the time Comedy in Chicago is incredible It's an amazing scene You could stay there Could have stayed You could stay

Yeah Never leave make a living But I thought I don't want to be home I want to take a shot I wanted to take a shot and I wanted to do it all by myself so I didn't ask for money or nothing for my family and I said I'm gonna go do this thing on my own and see if I can do this where'd you go to school at Arizona State yeah Tempe Tempe baby went down there went down there for a couple years had some fun and then stand up down

there at all a little bit but back then man it wasn't it didn't you know the improv was the only club now they got fucking eight clubs in Phoenix it was only the improv and I used to hook up with a girl who would work who worked there for a little bit and she would sneak me in so I could see shows. I saw Headberg's last West West Coast show before he went back and then he passed away. I saw that. I saw Gerald. I saw a lot of guys that I was like infatuated with.

I mean, that was my way in in terms of like being a fan of comedy. I always was, but I wanted to do it. I was scared. And then in school, I did a little bit of open mic. I did theater. I did all sorts of shit to try to get myself on stage to get more comfortable with doing comedy. But I didn't really dig my feet into doing stand-up. I got here because there was the opportunity here was so rich, you know. Arizona wasn't like that.

Arizona was a couple, there was like one or two rooms that people could go back of bars, but, you know, the political circuit was so heavy, it was hard to crack as a young college kid. Out here, it was like, we're all in the same boat, you know, so I knew I could, if I got to L.A., opportunities would be more rich, and that college roommates of mine were California kids, and a buddy of mine said, I got a place in Long Beach, we can stay. because I had no I had barely any fucking money and he said I got a place in Long Beach so I loaded up a U-Haul

moved to Long Beach man slept on a guy's lazy boy for a long fucking time but the recline is nice when you're ready to pass out I gotta tell you man what type of major did you get journalism journalism in English was my minor

no theater nothing like that no I did play I didn't have a theater major though I didn't want my because you know still in the back of my head I was like I gotta have like a thing to fall back on something you know like something in the journalistic radio arts publishing something i could just grab a job if i needed it because i was scared you know like i don't come from a lot of money

my parents aren't people that are like we'll give you money figure out your dreams that's not how i grow up so like my parents are supportive in the sense of go do your thing live your shit good luck but you're a man so if you fail fucking it's not on us you know what i mean brothers and sisters One little sister. What's she doing? She's living in Chicago, living the dream, you know, doing the thing that, like,

I wish I had that opportunity to be young in Chicago like she is. She's 26, 27. But I wanted this so bad. I wanted to be out here in the thing, you know? But I do, there is pieces of me that miss not having that Chicago youth growing up in, like being

in your mid-20s in downtown Chicago. It's one of the best cities in the world, man. It's just like New York. It's the same shit. It's like, shit to do. Endless people to meet. Endless things to see. You know what I mean? You can keep consuming in cities

like that. And LA wasn't like that. L.A. was like, work, work, work, work, work, work, work. And now I'm getting to enjoy the fruits of my labor in my mid-30s. I work like a dog, you know, until now it's like, now I get to have some fucking fun. How many years were you, have you been here? Yeah, it's 13. 13. 13 on the 4th of July.

Wow. Yeah. And it's, and, you know, started from the, the gut bottom. We were talking about doing shows down in Orange County and shit. I had some perilistic shows down there. Some terrible thought I was going to quit.

Shit was terrible. Some fucking, some shows so bad where I was like, this isn't, I can't do comedy. Four people in like a fish house in fucking Tustin. It was like, this is how I, this is how I quit or die. I mean, you know, getting too,

doing, what were those shows called? Tribble runs. Did you ever do those? Oh, please. Yeah, man. Doing those. I got two tickets in one trip. The trip, going to do comedy in Montana cost me $380. Oh, yeah. I cried on the side of the fuck. I never cry. I'm like, not a tough guy.

I just, I never really learned how to cry. I never really was a cry guy. 380 when you're getting $2.75 for the week. Balling. I'm outside of the fucking car losing my mind. I thought I was going to fucking end it there in the middle of the bazoula, I was losing my shit. I was so sad.

I was so broken up. I lost money. I had to call my fucking girlfriend. I was like, I'm fucked. I don't even know how I was going to get home. I was fucked. So I go to, I do this gig,

the second gig. I do this second gig and I end up passing out. Doing whippets with locals at a pool hall. A fight broke out. I woke up under a pool table. Bad news, man. Ended up crying in this fucking hotel room. Like,

it was hitting me. Like loads and loads of emotion were hitting me because I thought, this is how everything goes shit I was by myself outside of my outside of my hotel room was a Pepsi machine

you open the motel blinds and the Pepsi machine was so loud I couldn't see it was like I couldn't sleep at night I was like this is it this is why people fucking get sad over comedy this is exactly why I'm out 175 bucks

a fight broke out at a pool hall I pit my head on the pool table doing whippets I was like this is the this is close to whip it's bro whip it's up It never ends. That's the thing about the... And you know, for people at home listening,

let's say, what were your options? What your options were? For your Uncle Louis to call you. And say, I got a job for you. You always been good at carpentry. You want to be a carpenter, aren't you? You're like, yeah. Yeah, I guess.

I got your job as a union laborer. Right. Downtown Chicago, they're building a new forum down there. You got work for two years. So why you go there? Nobody gives you a fucking hammer. They give you a shovel, and they give you a garbage bag. And you're just picking up.

And every once in a while somebody would go, hey, come here, hold this piece of two by four while I'm nail it in and shit like this. You know, so for two years, what are you doing? Yeah. You know, the only difference is you're making money. Yeah, you're making a living. You're making a living. But you've still got to buy work boots and you're still got to buy jeans and, you know,

a scaffold could fall. And then you've got to consider the biggest thing in life in Chicago. go the winter you know they're out there picking up fucking paper with gloves on in a hooded sweatshirt yeah freezing so no matter what you decide to do in life whether a dentist or that you always have that those moments which you go wow why would I keep doing this yeah why the fuck would I keep doing this yeah this guy keeps throwing bricks from the third floor on my fucking head. I got to walk around with a hard hat. It's dirty below. You know, the carpenters are off, but I still got to load the job. Right. You know, I got to load the brick and load the fucking

90-pound rolls of tarpeep up on the roof. And, you know, there's so many fucking struggles in life that you go through. Yeah. The best is when somebody looks you in the eye when you're young goes, yeah, in six years. Six years. It's like when you go to the Army recruiter when you're 18, you just got your dick sucked the night before by some skinny chick that was babysitting two doors down. And you're like, so what am we doing here? Okay, we take a test. And if you fucking pass, they send you to Camp Pendleton. You do jumping jacks for eight weeks.

And then they send you off. And then you do 20 years. Yeah. When you're 18 and somebody says 20 years to you, you're like 20 years. Yeah. Go fuck you. Take this feather and shove it up your eyeball or whatever the fuck. And then 20 years passed by and you're a fucking mutt.

And you're like, I should have joined that fucking service. since that was 20. And it's the same thing in life. Yeah. You know, whether you're a carpenter or a baker, you know, you go to bake, they make your baker's assistant. What is that? Clearing the bathrooms, getting the dough together, mushing it with your hands and all that

shit, getting it ready. You don't make the bagels. Somebody else does. Right. And then one day, Hector doesn't come in and fucking Mario's car blew up. And guess who's the new bagels chef? You're the new bagel boy. You are, but you've been doing it for three years.

And you've been watching and you've been learning. And you've been, and this is the same thing with comedy. Yeah. That comedy, bro, I've been doing comedy 28 years. And there's times I'm writing, like, I'm getting ready to go to the store and just looking at your jokes. And you think about what let me know that I could even do this at the fifth year mark. Yeah. Because it's a beat.

Yeah, you get beat. It's a beat. It's a beat. So bad. It's an abuse fest. Yeah. It's just, you sign up for five years of abuse. Yeah.

You know, going to. And it really. And it really funny when you bring one of your friends with you. Like Lee decided to bring his mom to open mics, and she gave him a piece of her mind this week, which is really funny. I thought because you don't see it. No.

You don't see it. You're in love. She's sucking 20 dicks in the back door. But she comes out front and tells you she was a nun until last week. And you believe it. You don't see that. She's got sperm coming out of her mouth. And, you know, somebody came in her eyebrow.

You don't see it because, We're so in love with what we're doing. That's the fucking reality check. When people are like, I don't know how you do this, you got to sit there every night with these mental health fucking patient. Because that's all an open mic is. 50% of people just got out, they got long sweaters to hide the bracelets. Right, the cuts.

Yeah, hide all the cuts. Yeah, you know, it's just, and then you move up and you leave those people behind. Yeah, you keep plugging. You move up a notch and you keep moving. All of a sudden you keep losing the crazies. All of a sudden you lose boom, boom, chuck a lot. You know I'm saying there's no more hey man who's on this album right by this What the fuck are you talking about?

You're in Long Beach I'm sorry I was just because you're talking about about people who like You think of that time is so long but is I forget the number but isn't something like most people normal people do like seven careers Or like it's like it's something crazy like four or five different totally different careers A lot of people do a lot of different careers you have to start over right We just dig into one and go over and over and over and over and over and over. Basically, it's like we're doing all, we're doing temp work with almost no hope that you'll get the job, right? Right. Comedy is like you're a temp and you've got to do temp work again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

Now most temps go, I'm going to get a gig or I'm going to keep applying to get a gig. In your thought process is I'm probably going to get an entry level gig at some point. That's why you temp, make money in the meantime. But we're basically temping without really much, I mean, for the majority of comics. The high majority of people to do comedy, they're never going to get the job. That's just an unfortunate fact. That's a truth. A small percentage of people get the job.

If you're lucky enough to be a professional, that's because you were good. You were one of the best to temp. And you were talking at the beginning how excited, because I'm at that point is you're excited when you get $20 in a cheeseburger. can you imagine if like someone like if your sister was like oh I'm going to have a whole day worth of work and I get 20 bucks on a cheeseburger yeah when no one else would do that

no they quit that job it sounds like the worst job in the fucking world but the reason that comic real comics are comics and forever will be is because you put in those hours because you knew you knew you were good enough to get to the next thing some people I've said it that I think some people have it and some people don't and some people get it and some people won't. So some people have it

and some people just don't have it and some people get it and then others just don't. So you got you have to have it and get it. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you have to have the thing and you have to get the game. If you have it but you don't get it, you'll probably never fucking make it. You have to have the thing,

whatever it is that makes you a good comedian and you have to get it. You have to get the struggle You have to get the pain. You have to get the ups and downs. You have to get this. You have to get over the fact that it ain't fair. It's never going to be fucking fair. There's no even.

There's no evening of the score. And it's not going to go the way you want. You just have to get over that. Once you understand that, you get it and you have the passion. You have the talent. All it is is just then it's time. Then it's just plugging in time. Then it's like, I just got to go to work and go to work and go to work.

A friend of mine, I won't mention her name, but we started together and she quit. And she always used to say she was like, I fucking can't believe you're out every night. And even today, nothing changed. People that run into me on the street, this guy at breakfast, oh, I'm a big fan. When are you up in L.A. again?

I said, dude, I'm always up. I'm up almost every fucking night. Really? Wow, shit. Oh, okay. He's thinking I'm like, yeah, I got a show in three weeks. I'm like, no, motherfucker. I'm up every night.

Come see me. Come see me. Because I won't ever turn that off. Working, that's me working. I'm working to build the things. I want to keep building. I think when you get content and you, look, you got to take time for yourself and family and, you know, and friends. You got to have some fun and be a human, but I got to work.

That's what comedy was for. Yeah. For me, that's what comedy was for. Was to go socialize your people. Yeah. Since I was bad at going to bars. Right. You're never going to see me at a party.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's there? And every time I go, I ask myself, what am I doing here? Yeah. So I don't like parties. I don't like networking. Nobody likes fucking networking. I'm not networking. Those days ended as soon as I got out here.

Yeah. I'm not going to go to your house and watch a game for four quarters. If I show up, it's the last quarter to sit there and watch the game or the first three innings. Right. But I will show up to do comedy Oh yeah Because everything that I need is there I'm getting an envelope

I'm getting food I'm getting a cocktail There's broads When you're 30 and you're doing comedy Yeah Think of all I just named it to you There's drugs there Somebody in that comedy club's got drugs

Always There's somebody who's going to suck a dick You get to do your craft Yeah You either get 10 bucks And a burrito or or 50 bucks and a dinner or whatever the fuck it is. You're going to socialize.

You're going to find out what's going on. Hey, you know what they're looking for fucking redheads for that fucking New ABC show. I didn't know that. What's the name of the show? You wouldn't have found that on the fucking couch. And you're not going to find that out of the party with your cunt girlfriend.

And you're not going to find that out of dinner with your fucking family. And you're not going to find out, you know, there's a part of comedy that it's fun for three or two or three years. Like the first three years for me, it was fun. I'd invite people to shows. Yeah, come see me.

To come to bomb. Yeah. I'm not going to, you know, why we really want to see you? And you're like, no, you don't. Not now you don't. Well, tonight. And then they come down and you bomb.

And they go, you are all right. Yeah. And then there comes a time where you look at this as this is real. Like, I dated a girl when I first came in. And yeah, we were like olive oil and whatever. We didn't really, there was a lot of things in between us, but one of the things that got it the most about me was, I'm in LA.

This is the NBA. This is the UFC. This is the major leagues. I already did my time in double A ball in fucking Denver and AAA ball in Seattle. And I did A ball in New York where I got abused for nine months. You get to sign up and get number 82. on the list.

And it's, you know, it's just abuse. Yeah. And then you get there and you're number 82, but he's got four friends that are going up before. Right. You know, it's just pure abuse. Your feelings. And I knew I was in L.A., so guess what?

I don't want to go to a restaurant with your family. You know, and her family, and her family, you know, she's from Michigan. So they would come out here like every eight weeks. And I'm like, what are they doing here? Seriously. Not going to Bucca de Beppo again. I'm not.

doing that I'm not doing that no in those days what times the store what times the comedy store open at night what times the first show 7 8 no no first shows at 915 right I was there at 913 yeah because God forbid there'd be a fall out of it yeah yeah okay yeah for you motherfucker then I'm getting the but get to the store at 915 yeah get there well get there at 915 and sit it out get a drink and talk to people yeah And wait, somebody will throw you up. If you work your weight in gold, somebody will put you up in the belly, the main room,

until, even if my spot, even if I had a spot at 12.30 at night. Right. I was there at 9.15. Now, somebody calls me and says, I have a gig for you, and that's what I would do in those days. I'd do the Mexican gigs

and then close it out to store following Paul Mooney. Wow. So I would work myself up to go follow Paul Mooney. But there was no vacation. I didn't want nobody visiting me there was no dinners nope ask Josh wolf I was gonna ask him last week for years every two or three weeks he'd have a party with his family I never made it to one not one even though I lived on his couch yeah one I always had a spot to do well you're hustling I avoided that shit yeah I got

gonna have a great time I don't know what you're talking about there's a spot you know it's like Dom Rear me were talking about when you play basketball if you're not playing the guy that you're going to go up against freshman year he's practicing right now yeah you got to assume that dude is practice he's putting in work while you're sitting in work and you're sitting talking to your dumb friends about going to india and doing comedy get the fuck out of here talk to them at the comedy club about it yeah at the club you're involved yeah that's how like when i decided to get in i got in there was no looking back right there was no nothing you know what saying I still did drugs.

After the show. Yeah. After the show, you can do all the drugs for. Enjoy yourself after. You can do all the drugs you want after the show. Before the show, you want to do a drink to calm your nerves down and maybe smoke a joint. I'm with you. Nothing else.

Even though I was a junkie, nothing else went in my sister. You kept it clean the whole time. Kept it clean. Coke was in my pocket. Yeah, it was just ready. I'm not going to lie to you. Yeah, it was cocked and ready to go. Cocked and ready to go.

But I didn't understand that. Yeah. When I moved back to Boulder in 94, it was for one mission. to do comedy every night, to do comedy every night. There was this guy named Andy Payton. You ready for hustle? The comedy workers didn't like him.

They didn't let him perform. They didn't let him perform. They didn't let him. He was older. You know, we were 20. If I was 29, 30, 31, he had to be 46. Yeah.

Not the funniest guy in the world, but hard to go. So what did he do? He went out every night. He went out in the daytime instead of fucking around. He would go up and down Ventura, and he would get a Monday, a Tuesday, a Wednesday, and some Thursdays. Damn. Because by Thursdays, people have, they come in anyway.

Yeah, they got shit going on. Nobody wants to go to a bar Friday in the economy. They go to the comedy store. Right. And then he went and he would get a newspaper and type a newspaper about the Denver comedy scene. Do a whole segment on you. do a hoax admin of Lee what was going on

and he would sell advertising to all those businesses that he would do the bar and every night and he would lose a Monday and gain a Monday right he was already working on a Monday he already had it in the

he already had a Monday that he kept putting them off three more weeks and we'll do comedy I'm just waiting for the equipment to come and boom and he would call you Monday hey the Australian bar is done we got a room now up and fucking whatever it's an hour and a half drive.

I'll give you $45 and they give you a dinner. Done. He was that. You know, nobody wants to give me work? I'll create my own work. You know where he is now? He's the mayor of the last time I checked. He was the mayor of a small town in like Wyoming.

Damn. Like population 2200 or something like that. He went up north and we wanted to get away from it all. He just one day wasn't for him. He gave it a, he was old enough. He gave it a New York fucking shot. And then that's it. Do you see yourself?

stay in LA forever? No. Where would you, where do you want to end up, end up? In a community. Yeah. In a small, decent community. What part of the country?

Well, there's no humidity. Okay. Let's narrow it down to those fucking states. Well, like, you know, Colorado doesn't have a lot of humidity. Colorado, Nevada. Nevada, yeah. You know, shit like that.

Yeah. But for right now, where else am I going to go? Well, people say that to, I say that all the time. I would love to get the fuck out of here right now today. Yeah, me too. I mean, the acting jobs are lower. I mean, there's no auditions like they used to be.

There's no, you know. Yeah. So in a way, you could do everything you're doing here. Somewhere else. Somewhere else. Yeah, I feel that. I mean, my parents are still wishing on a star that I'll buy a spot in Chicago. And we want to.

I want to go back a lot. I want to slowly make my way back there. Chicago is a tough city to live in when it's bad, but when it's great, You know, they're shooting things in Chicago. Yeah, they are. That's number one. Shit's coming back. They're shooting things in Chicago, which always gives you hope.

Yeah. You know, when you live in those towns, Seattle, Chicago, Boston, Chris Evans is up in Boston shooting a movie right now. Yeah. You know, you could be an open mic or anywhere. You know, you could be a professional comic anywhere. Right. I mean, Chappelle's the greatest comic in the country.

He lives in fucking Ohio. Pennsylvania. Yeah. Yeah, Ohio. You know, on a farm. Do you guys ever think because of like the flights? Like if you lived in Chicago, you're in the middle instead of having like six hour flights everywhere.

It's easier to get around. I'll tell you that. I just took a flight back from New York and that it hits you not only money but it kills a day. You fuck a whole day. I mean, you're done. It's not like you can't do anything else that day. You know, unless you're taking the red eye

and you're waking up in New York and four or five a.m. You know, but it's like that takes, that beats me up. That's the one thing that's just the travel is killed. You know, like I'm going, this weekend I'm in town, which is good, but then I go to Baltimore with Joe Atlantic City, then I come back, then I go back, then I come back, then I go back to the East Coast one more time. It's like, it's tough, man, but it's got to be

because I got too much going on, but this is such a hard location to go from. It just takes a lot out of you. You're like, just get the travel sucks because it's a lot of shit to do. It's a lot of shit to think about and to do. It's not mindless. If you're rich and you're flying private, it's mindless.

But if you're still flying on regular planes, the airport and traveling takes it out of you. Then you get to a place and you have to learn how to turn it back on again when you're ready to do comedy, you know? You got to get there on Thursday and go, okay, fuck, let's go. Let's go. I got to turn it on. I got people that paid to see me. I got to turn it on. But they don't know that that's fucking hard. They don't know it's a pain in the fucking ass.

They get to the hotel and the, oh, we don't have the reservation and, oh, the credit card machine's broken. And oh, the car guy is late. Oh, we sent the wrong car. I mean, these things, they just happen. People don't know that that happens. It happens all the fucking time. And you just got to keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. But you're absorbing all that.

You know what I mean? Over time, that's why when guys get older in the game, it's harder to go do shows. People want people to tour all the time. You know, like Bert right now is on that fucking world tour. I'm telling you this is going to hit him hard when he comes back. He's going to need to crash. Because we were sitting up at the improv, me, him and Joe, having a drink, we was smoking a joint. And I could tell he was tired.

mentally, physically. He was fucking tired, man. And he's doing it because he loves the hustle. He's in the moment. But you can tell it takes it out of you, man. It fucks with you. It fucks with your body. It fucks with your mind.

I mean, you want to talk about it's not healthy to sit on a fucking compressed airplane for half of your life. It's fucked up. I could stop doing the podcast today and go on the road every week for two or three years. You could? I could.

Damn. But. but yeah okay you know you look at your life right now in a couple weeks you go on a with joe to baltimore whatever yeah get there to first class tickets you go across the country oh yeah lunch dinner but you earned that you did triple runs yes and you know what it's like to get off stage and get in the car and jump on the eight-hour drive you have oh yeah so you could get to the whole town remember if you drive all night then they're going to let you check check it.

Right. And you call. And you call. Yeah. So it's, you know, all these things build up to that first class ticket. Fuck yeah. It's not just, you have to build up. Yes.

And that's why I stress all those shit things because then when you're, all these other things are easy. I fly easy. Yeah. You do, huh? As, as difficult as flying is, I fly easy. I give up other parts of money. life to have a good time so I could fly drama free yeah that means clear the uber the whole fucking yeah yeah yeah I don't want any drama what I just shot

a movie in New York didn't but I'm too old to sleep on somebody's couch yeah fuck that's not gonna fuck that I'm too old to sleep on somebody's floor have somebody's kid play with me while I'm sleeping drunk crayons on my face I gotta hear your wife making coffee I'm too old for that yeah yeah You know, there's things that you do when you first start comedy that people, you become friends with people. So the first time you go to Helium and Philly, you become friends with the headliner and the MC. But the MC has a house. So you could stay there now.

And next time you do an helium, come the week earlier because he's got a week of work for you. Right. You know, and that you only get, you don't get that online. You only get that by going. Yeah. They need to see you and you need to see them, you know. It just, that's where they're traveling. And it's hard to see when you're at a trailways waiting for a bus to come.

Oh, my God. And they drop you off at four. And you got a two-hour wait at the train station and everything's closed. Right. The tuna sandwich has been in there for three fucking days. And you go outside the bus station. And those black guys are looking at you like a fucking pork chop. Right.

You can eat buffet. Where you going? Where you going? Where you going? Where you're going? You got a lighter? You got a cigarette? No, no, I don't have anything, man.

Oh, my God. So all these lessons, like there's nights, the bus station is right around the corner here. Yeah. How many times have you driven by Greyhound over there? A bunch, yeah. And that diner, yeah. It's down the block from that diner.

Yeah. You know how many nights I've been at that light and I've thought about that person at that bus station? And that was me with $2 in your pocket. Yeah. $2. The bus is coming at 6 a.m. And it's 2 a.m., bitch.

And you have a joint, you have your iPod, whatever the fuck. Yeah, the I-Man, whatever the disc man. Yeah, walkman. Yeah, you got to walk. No extra batteries, though. No extra battery's, though. No, you couldn't afford two more double A's. What are you fucking nuts?

The thing is starting to already, you know, Christina Aguierrez. If you want to be with me, baby that's not, you know. I've been there. Yeah. I did all that shit. Oh, yeah. How long is the road just exciting? Because for me, anytime I get to do anything, I'm like, yeah, this is awesome.

Like, how long until the boat starts to wear it? It gets exciting in different ways. It gets exciting in different ways. Okay. Yeah. Triple. Okay. I get a call from one night I'm sitting around.

It's 11.30. I'm getting the Coke ready to snort, and my page it goes off. And I know from the area code it's triple. Right. So I run to a pay phone. Me and my buddy run to a pay phone. I call trible. and he gives me a Monday night.

All right, a Tuesday night. In Northern California, where was it? It was in Boulder. Boulder, right? I lived in Boulder. I was the House MC I had been fired from there now. After being a House MC for 18 months, I wasn't allowed in there,

and he worked out. The feature canceled. So he called me the night before. The feature broke down in Ocala, Nebraska. I don't know. So I feature to give me a good report. I call him the next day, thank him. And he goes,

I'll call you within a week to give you. your dates. Three weeks went by. And he called me on a Sunday night and midnight. And he's like, hey, I'm ready to give you work. And grab a pen. You're starting an Angina, Utah. Then you're going here, here.

It's called the suck my dick run. And then you're doing the blind man run. Then you're doing the, they had the, what's the people in Utah? The Mormon run. Yeah. And you have the potato run one. Right. Potato run two.

And the other one, the one you did, Missoula, Montana and all that shit. The eight ball in at Missoula, Montana. And all of a sudden, you're like, so what dates are these? Are they in June? Are they in April? He's like, Tuesday. Yeah.

You're like, what? Yeah. Getting your fucking car now. Getting your car now. Yeah, now. Like right now. You have to be in fucking Ogden, Utah, Tuesday. You have to check in at six.

Yeah. So I basically went. home did laundry stayed up all night packed excited I'm going on the road my shot I get in my car I drive to nine hours I get to Utah I tell him I'm Joe Diaz he gives me a key I get in my room and there's another man in my room I'm sharing my first road gig yeah I got another guy in my room oh my god he's anti L.A if you go to L.A you're gay right you're gay everybody's gay comedy has to be on the road real guys travel on the road right Right, right, right.

So my first night, I'm sleeping next to this guy in a bed. His feet's... Same bed? No, next to them. Oh, okay. Because they ran out of the hotel room. Okay. So you're always...

And then they put you in those hotels where there's a Hindu owner. And you could smell the feet throughout the whole hotel. The eggs smell like hind. Curry to fuck up. Those are the first year. You know, you like Motel 6? Not really, but yeah. One step below.

Oh, my God. One step below. The door don't lock. The air conditioner don't work. There's a mouse. in your room Jesus, you know,

that type of shit. Then you graduate to a higher level. You know, you keep graduating. Yeah. Score it. The hotel's got a jacuzzi.

You're like, oh shit. You know. It's never going to not be exciting, man. It's just, it's different problems at every level.

You know what I mean? And it's all good. Right. But, you know, you just deal with it as such. And not to sound unappreciative, but it's like you have, you'll still love it.

it'll just change the things that you love about it, right? Like when you start selling tickets, you love the engagement with fans, and you love being like, damn, I'm really getting a fan base, right? Because before, you know, you don't have a fan base. You're doing shows and you're trying and you're just working out, but then you get to have fans. Then you start to think, man, I want to start selling out

instead of just selling tickets. Then, you know, it keeps progressing. And you start to learn the ins and outs of all of those levels. So it's like it'll never not be fun. Because especially if you're not having fun at all anymore, you're fucked. I mean the most that's what I say I have a tough time traveling

just because I get I just get anxious and depressed because it's part of me a little bit I just get low you know I'm a miss home or you know if I'm just like I just don't want to be on this plane but then I know I got a friend either with me or a friend I'm meeting there

and I get to do fucking comedy and the moment you get to do comedy all that shit's gone comedy comedy trumps all the issues all the bullshit shit every time. So it'll never not be fun. Just there's shit that happens sometimes.

There's just shit that you got to deal with that comes and goes and the crowds weren't that good or you didn't really love the city or you know, you got to bounce around or you're out of town five weekends in a row, six weekends, seven, eight, nine, you know, I'm doing 11 weekends in a row back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. But I got it because I want to prepare. I want to try to prep up to do a new hour. But it's fun of shit when I'm doing comedy. The other stuff gets tough sometimes.

It's fucking annoying. You know, it's hard. but when you're doing comedy it's like the only thing that matters then you're like oh it's all good this is the most fucking fun especially if you're with a friend and you're at the level now where you can you're doing it with a lot of friends right that's the best man you know i think as you get up you it gets a little bit more lonely you just got to make sure you're still taking someone with you or going with a friend or you know that you got people that you can link up with in different cities that was important to me well that's why i miss from the open mic world yeah

all your friends man four guys in the car, going to do a gig. The guy doesn't know you're bringing an extra guy. Right. Find out when you get there. Yeah.

You know, these are the thing, like, you, like I did, I don't like doing festivals. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not a festival. I'm not really good at festivals. But the ones I,

the one I did was a bad experience, the Toyota Festival in New York and 98, horrible experience. But the Sopranos called me. That's why it was on stage. I saw the, assistant to the casting director she just came down so what what didn't I like there was no money the Latino laugh festival was in San Antonio me and Bobby Lee broke you know they

wouldn't pay us while we were there oh they didn't give you money no no for DM no nothing they were sending you a check a manager took us out Carlos Mese's manager at the time took us out for dinner that's the only me and Bobby eight that's all I know Bobby Lee on top of me you know both of us no money I think a half a joint, you know. And then I did the Seattle comedy competition. I did San Francisco. I left the second day.

I did San Francisco too. Left. Slept in my fucking car. Yeah, Thursday I got my car. Fuck that. Done. I don't need this. Seattle was great.

It was a camaraderie. Six of us got in a car. We stopped and got a 12-pack. You know, even though, you know, you're not doing too good, man. you know we're your friends you're not doing ticket you're at 12th place right but you're going up before Lee tonight fucking bury him right right right murder every dirty joke you can't even you're not going nowhere anyway right right right you're in no danger you got two nights left you're number 12 you got a better that's how it works you got a better chance of pulling the brodie right just go and

fucking just go and disrupt Lee set lead on like dirty in front of him right go there here's 200 go talk about your mother's ass, oh, got hemorrhoids, and watch Lee's face. That's a contest. That's camaraderie. Sunday, there's no show, all of us went to the Seattle Seahawk game.

Eight of us. No money. Rolling deep, you know, one of us would get a beer and give sips to each other. Two of us smoking a joint, you know, that's something I'll never forget, my life.

Yeah. You know, do you think that will happen in L.A.? In some circles. Yeah, a little bit. It's just a lot easier when you're young in the game when you're young in the game and you got those eight people

what do I tell you every Monday did you call Eric did you call the Agostino did you call fucking those are your butt those are them I got nothing for you I can't take it

to the store with me but the Agostino got a room in El Centro they gave you three tacos and 25 bucks what are you looking at me for yeah that's it you got a call

every Monday the Agostino fucking Rodrigo the other kid Johnny Rock every Monday those are your friends

those are what who you live and die with. There's no money. There's no nothing. It's six guys of the comedy buddies. So if one of them gets a gig, you all eat. Yeah. One of them gets a gig.

He's going to go in there and go, hey, do you know who fucking Santino is? No, I don't. He was and I'm dying up here. Get him in here. Right. That's what that bond is for. Right.

Not to hang out with 18 fucking losers. You have to build that six or seven guys. And you live and die with them. There's a girl. The girl's hot, she's a whore. You don't fuck her because she's going to fuck the manager for you to come back. You feed her to the manager.

Come here. Yeah. The manager, boy, she's hot. Can I come back here and feed you her? Yeah, okay. Listen, you have to take a bullet for the team. You know, that's the fucking eight years. Yeah.

So when you come here, you're ready. You have those people. Right. You have those guys in different locations. The one guy's at the improv. Those six guys you hung out with, three of them quit. One of them got married, the other one went to jail for snort and glue, and the other one's father's dying of cancer, so he's got to take care of him.

Right. So now that's that's six, you got three guys that are moving to L.A. with you. One guy's a laugh factory guy, the other one's an improv guy, and you're a store guy. You're getting spots at the improv now because you ran with him 10 years ago, and you lived and died for that guy. Right. You know, when I lived in Seattle with Josh Wolf, if I had a feature spot, I don't give a fuck who the headliner was. I didn't give a fuck who the MZ was.

Josh is coming with me. Yeah. And if I got 200, I threw Josh 50 and bought him lunch and dinner. That's it. It said, I'm not making money anyway. Yeah, what's the difference? Why not make somebody else's fucking world on the weekend? Come on.

Get in the car. That's the balance. That's the balance. That's the whole fucking thing. Wolf was here last week talking about he did warmer for free Fontaine. They were paying him $800 a day. He brought me down the second week, gave me a hundred a day.

And I was there just stealing shit. T-shirts. We were going to plan to rob the joint. Like they raffled the car. It was a lot of extras. So for you to stay all day, they would make you raffle a car. I go, let me give me the winning number. We'll raffle the car.

I win, and then we'll sell the car and split it. I mean, that's how crazy we were. We breathe for one another as open micers. Yeah. And that's what that relationship means. Yeah. And Joe Rogan can't help you. Dave Chappelle can't help you.

Nobody can't help you. It's a matter of fact, you don't want anybody to help you because you're having such a great time. That is the best part of this career. Yeah. Is that those three or four years where you don't really care about money? No, you're not making any fucking money.

What do you think of my house? That's my house. Look how beautiful. Look at the yard. Yeah. Look at the yard. Right there. I throw my roaches over there. I got yard, look at my little refrigerator, that's your thing.

You're not going to make no money, but you're building bonds. And that pays off. That pays off bigger than anything in the world. It's very, I was talking to somebody, and apparently we talked about open mics and, like, there's a clip about it. But I'm going to New York and this guy that I never met, like, there's two or three people who, I went from having two spots in four days. I think I had, like, six or seven spots now. I never met them, but they're, and I have to, I have to go to, like,

Washington Heights, which is, I think, like, an hour subway ride. Like, it's like the guy said it's like the last neighborhood in Manhattan. Yeah. And I get eight minutes. But I'm excited, yeah. It's pretty cool. You might get mugged up there, too. But that's all part.

And every, I don't want you. You know, you go there with the expectation. It's a garden. There's going to be 35 people. There's going to be eight people. Yeah. Yeah. You know, some there's going to be eight people.

And some guys are spitball champion. He's going to throw a thousand fucking spitballs at you. Right. You know, when did you start acting? 2010 or 11 What made you You know I was like I only wanted to do stand-up

Right I really wanted to do stand-up I just wanted to do stand-up Yeah and um An agent had said They wanted me to do commercials Someone had been like You should try commercials

You're a redhead You do that's great They need like some people that look different You should come out So I tried to do a couple of commercials And then I got one I did like a Mike's Hard Lemonade commercial and it ran like crazy

and it paid me like paid me paid me and uh you know the agent was like you why wouldn't you try to go you want to try to do acting jobs like real jobs you want to be an actor and I was just like I don't know I don't know if I'm gonna be good at or I don't know I don't know I didn't know I didn't know I didn't know

I also didn't know if that was I was like that's not viable you know as silly as it was I was like I'm gonna make a living new in comedy even though that was fucking insane but I just knew it I was like I'm That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do it. And I went out for a few different things, like a hosting job. I got a hosting job doing something. And I beat out all these guys that had hosted before for MSN, for Microsoft's homepage.

And I did it for like a year and a half and it was fucking phenomenal. I didn't love it, but it was phenomenal money. And it got me to quit my day job because I was working a day job. I had to fucking work this shitty day job just to get by because I wasn't making. I was working. the music industry helping bands get visas to get overseas it was why it was crazy interesting was total on accident i didn't even know how i got it a friend of a friend maybe set me up but i was doing i would get assigned a band and i'd have to do all their paperwork to travel the world and i did um

uh public enemy which was amazing because i got to meet him he came in these local guys named dilated people's a hip hop group then i did like we did macy gray and uh what is their fucking in what's It's a band that they rap and they're... Whatever. Anyway, I did a bunch of different bands. And I was just doing like paperwork. I was a paper pusher all day long. Paper pusher, paper.

And this hosting thing got me to quit. And after the hosting thing, this is actually a wild story. My first job was punked on MTV. I did punked. And what happened was this girl was fucking my roommate. And she was like, oh, you're really funny. I seen you one time. go up at the comedy store in the belly room.

And I was like, oh, thanks. And she goes, you know, I work for this manager. And one of his clients is looking for writers for a Comedy Central show. And I was like, I'd love to throw my hat in the ring, you know? And she's like, let me find out. I got an email and they were like, send us all these bits tonight or come in tomorrow morning. I said, I'll write all night. I can't send you.

I don't have anything tonight. So I wrote all night long. I went to their office the next day. And it turned out to be Ashton Coutcher and his partner, this guy, Jason Goldberg, who did punk together. And they were looking for someone to write this new show for this black guy named Al Shear. And I wrote a bunch of bits. And they loved him. And they were like, are you repped?

And I was like, no, man. I'm me. I wrote this on my friend's computer, you know? And they were like, well, we want you to do this job. And I was like, yeah. And they offered me like, no money. And I was like, great. I get to write on a thing.

Yeah. When do you start? Today, you're here now. So I started working on this thing. And in the middle of it, he told me they were going to bring back punked. And I started to run the show at that point, this, this pilot. I was doing all, everything for them, producing it, writing it.

And he was like, we're bringing back punked. And we want you to write it and be on it. And fucking, that was like my first job job. And after I did punk, then I got some interest from like, CAA was like, do you want to try to actually like act and not do like, hidden camera stuff. So I said, yeah, I tried. And then I fucking landed a pilot.

I landed this pilot that we got one season out of called Mixology on ABC. It was like the first series I ever did. And it was all because I, it was probably because I didn't know shit about acting. Because I was just being me and just having a good time. They were like, just be loose and fuck around. He threw the words away. He was like, just do it. And the two guys that wrote it were the guys that wrote the hangover,

John Lucas and Scott Moore. They wrote the original hangover. And they were like, we just want you to be you and fuck off. We didn't want, you know, that was my first, like, entry into the acting world was doing that show. And then after that, it was like, I just fell in love with it, man. I was like, I love doing it, you know, like, it'll never trump comedy for me ever. I always want to do stand-up. But, man, I fucking, it's fun.

When it's fun, it's fucking fun. When you get to work with fun people and the rhythms are right and the scenes moving fast and everyone's popping, acting can be fucking really fun. It never will get the same feeling that comedy does ever. I love it. I love it. I love being around the set.

It feels so good, man. Not continuously. No. But it's nice to do like 10 days on Paramount. Yeah, it's great. I'm trying down Melrose, beep at people.

How are you doing, Cuxedo? I'm going to Paramount today. You know what I'm saying? You feel like a king. It's great to go to CBS Raff for two days. Yeah. When they give you an hour, you walk around a lot and breathe.

Go get some food at the commissary. Yeah, you know, it's just a... And, you know, there's always stigmatas. Like, if you're a comic, you're not supposed to act. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck that. I saw plenty of fucking comic. That's the perk.

Yeah. That's the other perk. It's a huge perk. And eventually, you'll do four episodes of a show as a garbage man or something like that. Right. And they treat you different. You're a stand-up. I love it.

Like I said, I just don't know if I'm ready for it every day, 14. Now it was a day, six days. So I've done that. I've done it before, and I'm dying up here with two seasons of that. It was a lot of work. It was a lot of work, but it was also, you know, working with Jim Carrey. And it was like working under the guys of those guys. And that was impressive to me, being a part of the world of the original history of the comedy store, even though we weren't supposed to, you know, we weren't a direct, you know, replica.

But it was just, it is a lot of work. And when you're done, it feels really good to get back into the swing of comedy. I never stopped doing comedy when I was shooting that show. If I could get off early enough, I would go do spots. And sometimes Adam would pull me aside and be like, you're tired, bro. Take it a couple nights off. Yeah, I don't like that. Yeah.

When you're here for a long time, you realize, you know, it's the worst thing in the world is having a 1030. And at 6 o'clock and you're still on the set. Yeah, it's hard. And there's a scene left. Yep. And they're still got to turn around. Right, and you're like... And now your leg is tapping.

And now you're looking at your clock. Mm-hmm. And it's a great feeling as a... comic to go, I shot today, and I stopped by the store and did it say. There's no better feeling. Yeah. That's like getting a blowjob and eating your ass eating out with a fucking one of those straws with a long tongue or something.

You can't beat it, but there's not a lot of days that you're going to pull it off. Something's going to suffer. Yeah. And that's what I didn't like about it. Like when I went to New York with this thing, I had a couple weekends, I had to cancel. And you're like, Joey, why did you? You know why? You never know.

Yeah. It's a move. You get there on Wednesday and the boom breaks. now they look at you can you work Friday and now I got to call St. Louis and tell them I can't go to fucking St. Lord. I know how this business works. Yeah.

I know how this, I've been down this road already. Yeah. Sometimes we actually got, you know, I was here. I did from 98 to 2002. I didn't say no. Yeah, it's hard to say no. I didn't know what the word no meant. If you called me for a spot in San Diego at nine

and Lee called me for one in Santa Clarita at seven, I'll make it. I'm doing it. I'll make it. Yeah. If not, we'll figure out how to fucking make it. Because I guarantee you're going to call me and go, don't come down because the Blue Jays are playing. So you're like, who, I knew it.

Right, right. So take the gig. Yeah, I always take the gig. Take the gig. Burn that bridge when you get to. It's a $50 gig. It's not like they're there to see you. Those bar gigs, they're not there to see you.

Yeah, you just did them to do them. Yeah, you just don't do them. So I would line eight of them up in a night. Yeah. And if you did seven out of the eight, Fuck. Somebody's pissed. Somebody's calling me going,

what the fuck, man? Where are you, man? We waited. Next time, just move on. Yeah. If you know, I wasn't going to be there, you know, they keep calling you. You know, I'm driving.

Yeah, get the fuck over. What are you calling for? Right. And that's why you always have to leave, like, you can't, like, if I know I'm doing something, I won't call the store. Yeah, no, I've learned. I've learned my lesson.

I won't call the improv, because then you're rushing and you get there, and now you got to follow. or you know you were supposed to go up at 1015 now you still got to go down and it's 1130 yeah so you're like what and I don't want to do that to everybody bump everyone and fuck up the lineup that's that's what I don't like to do

I don't want to fuck it all up it's crazy when I'm dying up here came out I heard what it was about but I was so busy in my own world I never got to watch it when I got the call to be on it what do you call that when you watch 15 episodes in two days binge binge yeah you binge I fell in love with it.

Yeah. Like out of all this, listen, we all want to be a fan of a stand-up show. But it's got to take us somewhere where it really relates. Yeah. And that, it related to me.

Like, I was happy to be a part of that. I was happy that they, when they said that you were coming on. No, I was happy. I was happy. Everything about it, when I got there,

I thought it was just another stand-up show. It was a great show, you know. It wasn't 15 years ago. No. If it was 15 years ago, we would have had that. That show would have been on its fourth season now. Yeah. Because they give you time to play with.

They don't give you time to nothing. You got nothing. You got two episodes to make it work. And even if you pick up the last six, they're like, but the first two episodes were just not clicking. Yeah. So. They just, it was just, it's, when I got the phone call that we did a second season, I remember when they said we were going to do a second season, I was up in Mammoth. in the summertime

for my lady's birthday and I was surprised as shit I had no cell phone service so I left my phone and I got back to the hotel and my phone I got a thousand missed calls

and I was like what the fuck my agents and managers and all these people cast members and I'm like Jesus I pick it up and then when I found out

I got a second thing I was blown away because it just it didn't get received the same way people didn't hold on to the show it was a tough show to make

It was a tough show to talk about. It was pretty sad. It was dreary. It was negative at a lot of times. You know, it didn't have the heart. The thing that Jay Leno, I think, said in an interview, or Letterman. Maybe Leno said in an interview that the one thing about the show that he was bummed about was it didn't show how much fun we had in the 70s. He's like, we had way more fun than that.

I think that was our biggest fault was we didn't show enough fun. Enough really having a good fucking time. Because comics have fucking. How much fun do you have when you're fucking around with you? I mean, like, this is fucking, so we have so much fucking fun that the show sometimes just didn't show enough fun. It was just too dark.

Now, I always wanted to ask you, because I'm this stupid. Yeah. Who was the guy that opened the comedy club that was giving away ribs and shrimp? Who was that supposed to be at that time? Well, her competition was,

because, you know, the original club, the Westwood Club. Right. There was another guy trying to open up a club. a right around the corner from her. And I don't remember who it was. I don't remember, but there was a competition of another club of someone given free food.

Yeah, what was his name? Oh, I don't even remember his name on the fucking show. But right, he was giving away food, but there was another club like that in Westwood that a guy was trying to open up to boot out the comedy store. Because people don't know. The original store was, I mean,

Westwood was where the store was. And then it came to sunset. And I don't remember when. But yeah, she had the club. in Westwood. And he, her husband had owned, he had owned the comedy store. She opened up Westwood and that she moved it to sunset. That's how it happened.

But somebody was, someone was trying to take her down. There was another guy trying to open up another club around the corner. But she faced, Mitsy faced, I mean, so much competition of people trying to like, because there was a lot of like beat Nick shows. They told us there was a bunch of other fucking roundabout shows trying to like take down a club because a club had no business there. It was kind of like, it's never going to fucking work. Like, get the fuck out of here with that.

But when she stuck to it, and when she took over sunset, it was over. She revolutionized it, man. I mean, it was just like, that was the beginning of everything. What was the auditioning process like for that movie? Because one of the kids in the soprano said he auditioned for it. Oh, he did? Yeah.

Yeah, they came out and saw me do stand up first. They saw me and Eric Griffin together do stand up. and we were at the store first and Jim came to the store and then they saw me again at like the improv maybe they saw me twice do stand up and then um they called me in to go just for the producers and all that stuff and I did it and then I got a phone call and they were like all right we're going to show you to network tomorrow so you got to come in do the same thing and I remember walking in the room and I've been accustomed to doing enough to do enough that I'm just don't get nervous anymore really. I mean, I just get excited or I get, I just get like anxious and happy. I'm like, all right, I got to fucking kill this. I got to, you know, focus.

And I walked in the room and Eric Griffin's fucking ass was sitting in the chair. And as soon as I walked in, he goes, this motherfucker. And I started laughing and we were hugging and having a good time. Everybody else was like, you know, like making them more nervous

because we knew each other. And I could just feel that I was like, we're both going to get this fucking gig. Like, I just was like, I just knew. I've known a few times that I was, going to get the gig and I knew that time I was going to get the gig. I could just feel it in my bones, man.

Yeah, because I met an actor and he said that he was up for one of the roles. Yeah. So what he did was he went and did stand-up one night. And he goes, when I got on stage, I called my agent the next day, and I told him I wanted no part of that show. Yeah. Yeah. Well, because, listen, there was.

It was too real. They had to learn to do stand-up. Half of the people on a show had to learn to do stand-up, and that was really fucking hard. What was harder, in my opinion, was us pretending that we're new. stand-ups in the 70s. That shit was wild, man. Like, we had jokes that I would never tell now because it's 1974, but also you have to kind of pretend like you're very new to the game because none of us were pros yet, you know?

When, when Pryor came on the show and this guy that played Richard Pryor, he was supposed to be the only pro. I mean, we were all amateurs trying to get spots on Carson, you know? So you're, you kind of had to act like you were a three or four-year comic. So it was kind of hard to like change the way that you approach the stage because you didn't want to have all this confidence and vigor because then it would have been obvious that you were already a pro. But the idea was these guys aren't pros. I mean, none of those guys were pros, you know, except for the top names. But we were supposed to be Joe Schmoe who's trying to, you know, who's passed at the store, but who's not a pro yet.

Right, you're developing. Yeah, you're in the, yeah, you're in her system. Who was the guy that killed himself? Well, that's based on a real guy. They did it differently. In our show, he got hit by a bus. But in real life, he jumped off the roof of the, of the, it's now called the Andes. It's called the Hyatt.

Now, was it after the Tonight Show or after Mitzie turned him down? No. In the show, it was after he did the Tonight Show. But in real life, it was after he didn't get past. He worked at the store. His name was Steve Lubetkin. That was his name. And he jumped on.

He jumped off the roof of that hotel next to the store, the Hyatt, and he landed on the fucking parking garage, the ramp. But he had a note in his pocket that said, my name is Steve Lubetkin, and I used to work at the comedy store. It set it in his jacket pocket. And that was because of the, that was because of the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, that's what that was all about was like, this kid was just, you know, he was depressed and not all there, and he just knew he was, he just knew he was. never going to get past the strike. He just thought the strike drowned a lot of those guys, you know, the guys that made enough money, they could survive the strike. You know, that that's rumored to be where Letterman and Leno's split happen. Whether or not that's true, I don't know, but that's... Well, Leno went to the store. Leno went to the improv. Well,

Leno crossed the picket line and performed for her. Right. Yeah. And Letterman refused to. And that was kind of the beginning of the end, apparently. That and also the trading off guest hosting the Tonight Show, and I think they didn't like that each other because they were both competing for the same job. that Leno ended up getting. You know, Lennon, Leno got the fucking Tonight Show after they both guest hosted

and I think Letterman wanted it. But here's the big thing. You know who would have got that job if he didn't kill himself, Freddie Prince. Freddie Prince, yeah. Freddie Prince is going to be

the host of the fucking Tonight Show, that motherfucker even looked good. He was phenomenal. He was phenomenal. Yeah. And the funny thing is, if you listen to Eddie, what's his first name?

Freddie Prince. Yeah, Freddie. If you listen to Freddy, live from Chicago. There's a CD. Me and Rogan bought it one time. We didn't throw it out the window. It's terrible?

Stand up in the 70s. Oh, yeah. Was really, you could see where, and it's not that they progressed, or I don't know if it was the subject matter because Pryor had some brilliant albums in the fucking 70s. That was his, you know,

those bicentennial nigger and the one before that, those were just masterpieces. But you know, you know why I think that was? Because they were about him. Prior did a lot of stuff about prior. A lot of other guys did a lot of stuff about what's happening in the world. What's happening

in the world. Right. And what's happening in the world doesn't, nothing is evergreen, right? Like, nothing in comedy politically is evergreen. Jokes that were funny 20 years ago about what's happening. Probably not that fucking funny anymore because it's not happening. We've moved so much forward. You know what I mean? So when your material is about you, like prior did it so well, it lives forever because it's so personal, you know? Think about your mom smoking crack and sucking cock in front of you when you're nine you know you know what I mean how does that that's powerful now I just say that now and people go do fuck that's an image I'm not talking about Bob Dole you know what I mean you know if I could you talk about stuff that's of the time and it's probably not going to

last the chances are it won't last because we keep progressing societally so much Trump chokes everyone's doing Trump shit now in 20 years it'll fucking it'll be annoying I don't like tropical Topical material. Well, because it doesn't There's not a lot of, it's hard to hold on to. Yeah, three weeks.

And then it goes away. If I got a topical joke now, I just put it on Twitter. Yeah, throw it up online. I just save it for Twitter because you're not going to get nowhere with it. At least get a laugh on Twitter for the moment. Right.

Unless you're putting out specials every fucking nine months like Louis did and all those guys that put out specials year after year after year, yeah, you could probably be topical. Because you're, like,

you know, because your shit's happening right now. Chappelle did a ton of topical stuff in his last two specials because he was putting him out right away. Boom, boom, you know what I mean? It was like two specials right in a fucking row. But, you know, I think that's a hard thing to do.

I think comedy in the 70s, you know, a lot of that old stuff that was of the times, yeah, it wasn't fucking good. Like, it just, it doesn't hold up. You know what I mean? But guys like, you know, I think people revere guys like, like Hicks got a lot of love

because he talked about what was going on, but from such an angry, honest standpoint that he was on this island alone a lot. I think he liked to just be on this island alone. That's who I'm supposed to play on the show. And I think that's why he lasted posthumously, you know? He was just so fucking raw and just honest about what was happening. And his spin wasn't cheeky or cute. It was sometimes it was shitty and dirty and not even that funny, you know?

he just had an angle and he stuck to it he just kept going when you got into comedy who did you look at as I mean when I was a kid um I thought

like Eddie Murphy like everyone says was mesmerizing delirious it was mesmerizing I thought that was the craziest shit I'd ever seen in my life delirious was too much yeah it was overwhelming it made me feel like

it also made me feel like I'm probably not funny I remember I remember seeing it and being like there's no fucking way I'll ever be funny. That's funny. That's a new level of funny. I might be ha ha ha ha funny. Fully ha. Yeah, this motherfucker is that's what that's comedy. And then as I started to dive into like becoming a big fan of comedy, you know, I liked Carlin a little bit, but the guys that I was

falling in love with style wise that I was like obsessed with when I was young was like, you know, I mean, I love Geraldo. He was somebody I always... I loved him. I thought he was so cool. His style was great. So unique in his own shit. I loved Hadberg because I was fascinated by one-liner guys.

And then, you know, I gravitated to like... Then I started to change my taste, and I gravitated to guys more like Burr. Burr has always been kind of the hero of comedy to me. I'm like, that's the guy. He's the fuck. fucking, he to me is the guy, you know. I always loved Chappelle. I liked rock.

But even before Bill was famous to the country, comics always knew him. Yeah, he's doing comedy for so long. Now people, everybody knows Bill. I go anywhere and somebody knows Bill Burr. But you could ask someone 15 years ago, those numbers were much different. You know, I mean, fucking Rogan was just talking to me the other day about, he was like, you know, I only started doing theaters like, I don't know, what do you say, five, six years ago? stopped doing clubs I was like wow that's such a short like I thought it was longer he's like

no and now he's doing fucking arenas like that I mean you're the way your brain works of how long someone's been big in comedy it doesn't it's hard to tell you know what I mean unless you're them it's from an outside perspective I thought Joe's been doing big shit for so long just because it feels that way no he's like a very old school guy yeah like the control of it it's weird that he's doing arenas because I know that. But you, like, I don't know how long how many theaters I've done, not on my own but with other people. And I'm just getting a hang of them now.

That's tough, right? It's a different animal. Different animal. Yeah. But once you get the hang of them, you're like, okay, I could do this. You know, when you think of Sebastian being at the garden, you're like, what the fuck? Yeah, I still think that. But when you work yourself up to that.

that you'll see it it's nothing yeah you know the guys like me and you have never got out in front of 18,000 people at one shot and learn to control 18,000 people and see how long it takes them to hear your joke and how long it takes for you to get the laughter back right it's a bigger venue you know it's not a smaller room where it's bounce bounce bounce bounce you're on the original rule you can't jump on them like that they you lose them right you'll lose them unless The sound system is... Fucking. Which, I got to tell you, compared to 10 years ago, yeah.

You'll hear somebody burp now. You'll hear of their fucking intestines. You know, we have that technology. Yeah. You know, people said that went to see Sebastian. Yeah, you watched them, but you also watched the monitor. Yeah, that's the... What did you do if you had $50 tickets?

You watched a monitor. But the sound was great. But as a comic, you think of being in that arena. Yeah. I'm not saying the garden. I'm saying that arena of 15,000 plus people in the room. It's a lot of fucking people. Oh, yeah.

We did. A lot of people to control. You did what? 13,000 in San Diego, me and Joe. One show. 13, 20. Or two shows. One show.

13,000. 13,000. Yeah, in San Diego. In the round. And then two weeks ago, we did Chicago, and that was 9,000. Jesus. It's one show. One show?

It's set 9,000. 9,000. I still remember going to the Vic with him. and barely selling out the Vic maybe six, seven years ago yeah and then look at that and then last year we did

just one year ago we did Chicago Theater two shows sold the fuck out sold the fuck out those are 4,200 apiece or something like that Chicago Theater is 42 or 32 maybe 32 32 and man

going from that to go back the next year to play the UIC Pavilion to do 9,000 was fucking it was it was it just arenas feel so different.

I don't know how to say it, but like clubs to theaters, it's different, but it's still intimate in a way. Theater, but arenas have no intimacy, none. You can't really connect with the front rows. Theaters, you still can kind of connect with this young, the chunk of people in the orchestra rows, but arenas, the stage is so fucking big. I mean, the stage is 30 feet by 20 feet. It's fucking huge.

That's huge. That's huge. I mean, what's a store? store the original room stage might be four feet by eight yeah I'm bad it's fucking four by eight there's nothing there the piece of plywood right right there and even the main room stage is not even that big it can't be that much big it's just higher up with a bigger room what was the size of this day 30 feet 30 feet by 20 feet Jesus you got to run back and forth yeah it's absurd you know stage how's the

education of Joe Rogan been phenomenal it's an education and a half phenomenal yeah I mean you know he's uh watching Joe being friends with Joe and watching Joe grow himself in stand up to get to these next levels and me being there to watch it it's you know I don't know how to I can't really put it in words it's beautiful it's beautiful to watch somebody that I like

as a human and as a comedian grow to this next level I'm physically watching with my own eyes I mean he's never done arenas before I'm watching him do them now with me and I texted him today because they just released tickets for him and Chappelle are doing

Tacoma the Tacoma Domeome I think it's like 20. I have no fucking idea. I think it seats 18,000 or some shit like that. And I text him, I said, dude, what the fuck? And he goes, right? Isn't this fucking, I was like, that's him and Chappelle doing an arena at a scale

that I don't think comedy's been this way. And not since I've been in the game. I've never heard. Since the late 90s. Yeah. You got to remember one thing. Growing old sucks. Yeah.

Really does stuff. You're back. You go to bed earlier, you know, your dick don't get hard than you used to. Yours does. Mine does, that guy. But I will tell you something, what the best thing about getting old is is seeing people's growth. Yeah. It keeps you alive.

Here, I'm going to blow your mind. First time I went out on the row with Joe, he was a $3,000 a week comic, and he couldn't sell out seven shows at the improv in Miami. right so not the weekend right but thursday it was men's and men's wednesday was men's so that's been a growth of 21 years yeah if you're not into this for 21 years it's not going to work if you if you're not all in with both your guns feet well i don't care what you don't like sorry doesn't really matter i'm sure along the way joe didn't like a thousand things either right but I want you to fathom that around your head.

He was a, when he was on news, ask him. When he was on news radio, one of the first gigs he did was Carolines, and he lost money on the gig because the plane ticket was more than what he got paid. Right, right. Plain ticket was more. More than they paid him.

Now this is at the 98th. He had been doing comedy maybe 12 years. So if you're willing to take a loss, in comedy your 12th year what are you talking about yeah you must really fucking care what are you talking about yeah it's wild so that's what you know watching him doing what he's doing him watching us you know me and arie were his baghandlers yeah and dust and you know was me rari him and red band red band was the camera tech Duncan me and rye three guys in front of them doing ten apiece it's wild that's cool fucking and people he's talking about and people he's

him you shouldn't bring Diaz and Ari that loses and he's to go wait wait just fucking wait just fucking wait I see it you guys don't see it because all you're looking at the ticket sales right but I see it from the comedy they kill at the comedy store shut the fuck up and that was it the education of Joe Rogan I think 40% of when I leave on Thursday and come back on Sunday is based on Joe Rogan how he taught me to live on the road act you know i was telling somebody here the first time he called me and said let's go work out i'm like are you fucking regarded on vacation yeah who works out on vacation yeah work out go fuck yourself work out you'd see him an hour later all sweaty telling you how

good he feels yeah i feel better i've been over here watching lawn order smoking reef the sausage sucked from the pizza place and you're the other sweating like a pig guess what i fucking work out on the road you know what I'm saying yeah you gotta get on stage your legs gotta be strong you know all those little things I learned from Joe Joe is an educate you know this whole thing is a journey full education yes that's all this is that's all and at the end of it all you go Jesus Christ I'm really fucking happy I did that and I'm happy I didn't take that construction job my uncle had I would have never been a carpenter true you know and I would have still been freezing my ass and that's I think people have to look at you have to look at the time

like I said it before put your head down put the fireman's hat on you know that shit the way it's designs so shit falls off it right that's what being a stand-up is as a matter of fact that's what life is is you taking hits and keep going forward yeah your cat dies you always get cut you know what I'm saying you didn't get the promotion you wanted what are you gonna do fucking put a note on your jacket and jump off a bridge every time that happens you'll be out of fucking lives right you you know So that's all this is. Take the hit. But the fucking Rogan education was the one that really,

he hit the last nail of the work ethic, how everything had to go for me. I knew what I had to do. He turned the last screw, and I was off and running after that. Yeah. And I was off from running after that. He just had certain principles.

You know, Rogan's a straight, decent guy, very generous. I'm a criminal. We have nothing in common. Right. We only have one thing in common, Joe and I, that we, how holy we hold the religion of comedy. Yeah. How sacred we hold the religion of comedy. I don't give a fuck about anything, my friend.

I really don't. I give a fuck about that little girl. I give a fuck about my wife, but if she wants to go, she got to go. You know what I'm saying? You know, there's so many things in this life that are replaceable. Comedy is never going to be replaceable in my life or your life. It's never going to be replaceable. I never wanted it to be replaced.

I can KLS. Yeah, all the other shit sucks. A baseball game or a basketball game or basketball. When you fall in love with comedy, nothing else matters. Yeah. There's only one thing that matters. The pussy you're going to get afterward and the joint you're going to smoke before. Where can people find you, brother?

Go to Andrew Santino.com for tour dates. I'm going to San Diego this weekend. So come out and see me in Loyal Comedy Store. Oh, that's a lot of. That's a good one. Love it, man. Tickets are fucking thinning out. They're almost selling out already.

Good for you, man. Dude, that's one of my favorite fucking venues on. How can it not be? Oh, that, that air. By the way, if you ever down there, there's a little place called El Pascalor, which is the fish market. It used to be on the other side of La Jolla and a little shack. Now they got to, now it's big. But it's all fresh cut, fresh caught, fresh cut, fresh cut, fresh cut.

How far from the club? Throw baseball. Down the street. Right down the street. No shit. Yeah. It's brand new building. they used to be in a little shit shack.

Now it's there, but they catch it, cook it there that day. So if you ever get a chance, go El Pasca d'Or, I prop them up every time because every time I go, if you like seafood, fuck me, man. So when they're out, they're out. It's not like, yeah, we got some more in the back. It's like, that's what they got. It's there. They'll cook it right there that day.

They catch it, clean it, cut it, cook it that day. And if they're out, they're out. It's not like, you got some more halibut in the freezer. Like, they got what's there, and that's it's some of the best fucking seafood I've ever had in my life. Every time I go to eat there three meals a day, man. Because up here, it's like we got sushi in L.A., but there's not a lot of good seafood joints in L.A. For some reason.

What's for breakfast? What are you for breakfast there? I like to get either tuna sashimi, you know, with chips, you know, or I get tacos. I like tacos. I like tacos in the morning. Breakfast tacos? Fish tacos. Hell yeah. Breakfast fish tacos. Yeah.

I love that shit. You're a bad motherfucker. I love that shit, too. We don't get that up here like that. I mean, you can get that stuff. You can get it at Mexican restaurants up here. there's not a lot of like fisheries and eateries like they have like how the east coast does they don't do that up here in l.A unless you're right by the water i don't live anywhere near the

fucking water but this is that when i go down there that's el pascador's my fucking spot so come out and see me in lohoia go to andrew santino dot com for tickets and then uh cheeto santino on on twitter and instagram and all that jazz where chito come from i was playing basketball in east LA. I told this story on fucking on on TV one time. I was playing basketball when I first moved here. I was playing basketball in East L.A. with these guys from Boyle Heights

and all these Mexican dudes and they were making fun of my legs because I have orange leg hair. And he kept being like, man, you got fucking like orange leg hair dog? And I was like, yeah, and this dude we were drinking at the bar afterwards. He's like, it's fucking gross. Motherfucker, it looks like if you ate

a bag of Cheetos and then you wipe the finger dust all over your motherfucking legs, player. And they all lost it. I mean, everyone was a Cito leg motherfucker. So they kept calling me Cito and it stuck. Like it was such a term of endearment that was shitting on me. I loved it. I was like, that's so fucking funny.

So they would call me Cito, Cito, Cito, Cito. And then when I signed up for Twitter and all that shit, I was like, what my fucking name going to be Andrew Santino on here? It's like something more fun. And Cito Cito Santino just, it's catchy. You know this couple weeks ago I brought you up? I said, Mr. Santino? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Because I wanted to call you Cheeto, but I'm like, I'm not sure. You could. Fuck, I love that shit. I better make sure. Because I didn't know who to fuck Cheeto Santino was. I knew it was you. Yeah.

But also on stage, you got a mind fart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All those things. Brain fart, yeah. And you're like, who's coming up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, the worst is Fahimamo. Yeah, yeah.

You see how I say his name? Yeah, yeah, for him. Beautiful. Yeah. Get me on stage. Who's up next? Fahimabwa. Coming to the stage.

For Bebe. I can't say it. Habib. Habib. Yeah, I love the kid. And I feel so fucking bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time I got to bring him up, who's up next?

Fahim Amwar. Oh, you're going to love this guy, Comedy Central, coming to the stage. Fabib, Bama. And as I'm walking, I'm like, I'm fucking sorry. And you, a couple weeks ago, I was up there. Yeah, yeah. Having a great time. Yeah, whatever, Andrew Santino.

Uh, okay. And I'm like, is it Andrew? Oh, no. He said Santino. Yeah, he just said Santino. They usually just call up Santino. So I know. Do I use Cheeto?

Do I use Andrew? Right. When your brain gets stuck in those fucking modes. People yell to me Cheeto all the time. I get on stage now. People yell Cheeto. I don't know why people. It's stuck for some reason.

People love it. People in the street yell Cheeto to me all the fucking. If I don't call you a nickname, they don't like you. I know, that's true. I'll take it. I don't go fuck. I like it. So where can they find you?

Andrew Santino.com. Andrew Santino.com. Go there, look at numbers. Look at the dates. And he's a great young man. He's making. things happen. Support, bitches. Don't forget, I will be at the Funny Bone in Columbus, the 29th and 30th, and then I will be at the rec room in Orange County on July 5th, one show,

8 o'clock, 7 o'clock, you're going to go on the website. It's going to be easy after you fucking lit firecrackers and you ran from the Chinese people. You come and hang out with Uncle Joe. I think Saturday and Eddie Bravo's down there with Sam Triple. How you like me now, bitch? But before we go, we always got to talk to you about a few things. Number one, listen, why walk around with that stinky, filthy asshole? And why are you still using fucking toilet paper? If you got shit on your leg, would you wipe it off with paper? No.

You'd wipe it off with paper and a little bit of water to remove, and then you'd sanitize your leg with fucking one of those Ajax strips or whatever the fuck. Things develop in your asshole. Things develop germs, odors, stenches. You got to stay on top of this. Ever since I got my fucking Hello Tushy portable bidet, my life has changed. My personality has changed.

I've been more patient. I've been more understanding. Why? Because my asshole is clean and I'm confident. If I was single or some chicks that I want to eat your asshole, I'd give her a bib and tell her Godhead. My asshole is tip-top. Magoo.

It may have a little wang up there for the 50s, six years, but there ain't no fucking shit in there. You understand me? And they got a ton of stuff. Go to hellotushy.com right now. They got bamboo towels. They got different colors to match your bathroom. It comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee.

And like I told you before, why kill a tree when you can wipe your ass with nice water? And I'm not talking about toilet water. It's got germs on it, recycled water. This is water that comes out from the same thing as you're drinking water. Why? It's seven minutes to install a tissue. That's it.

Listen, I've been pushing these people for years. Why? Because it's a good, dependable product. Lee, do you still have your third? Absolutely. How many years has it been? Three or four, I think. How many shits have you taken?

Thousands. Okay. Hundreds of thousands. Listen to me. Hello Tushy's the way to go. Go to hellotushy.com right now. Take a look at the different colors, the different prices. Biddey start at $69.

And they don't get no better than that. I'm sick and tired of you having a stinky fucking asshole. And in the daytime, you got nothing to do. You can dip your nuts sack in there and let the bidet water hit your nutsack. And it's like fucking refreshering. You understand me? And listen, oh, ladies, if your pussy sticks, Hello Tushy's there to help you too.

You push that little bat into the water and put some fucking staminke in there and your fucking tip-top, Magoo, you go on that date, especially in the humid states. Your nuts start stinking up a storm, your asshole melts, you don't need it. Go to hellotushy.com right now and press in. Church!

Bam! And get 20% off, delivered to your fucking house. You can have it in the store between seven minutes. How many tools? You don't. None. This is what I'm saying. You can be a complete fucking moron and still install the Tushy bidet. You don't need a plumber.

You don't need your mother to help you, your fucking father-in-law. Fuck that motherfucker. I go to hellotushy.com right now and get your portable bidet. All right. Number two, honor. I love Honet. I've been working with Honet for seven fucking years now. I love everything they got.

From the Shroom Tech sport, the Shroom Tech immune, you don't get sick. The Shroom Tech Sport gives you more oxygen to your lungs. The alpha brain, the protein powder, the fucking sausages, the CMT oil, you cannot lose with Honet. Go to Honnet.com right now and press in. Church. Bam! 10% off delivered right to the fucking crib. You don't got to leave your house.

That's how good on it is. And I told you, AlphaBrain, they got a money back guarantee and they don't want the product back. Who else does that? That's a company that stands behind a product. That's a company that you could trust. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. Boom!

10% off delivered right to the fucking crib. I want to thank my man, Andrew, Cheeto Santino. I want to thank the Christkiller. But I want to thank you guys for always having my back and support in the podcast. That's it and that's that. See you motherfuckers next week, Columbus, Ohio. It's myself and Steve Simone. We're going to rip that fucking town up.

And we're going to Stout to work out. I love my girl over at Stout. crew hope is the fucking the real deal Iggy teaches on Saturdays it's a fucking party side kicks for Jesus I love you motherfucker see you on Thursday ready to rock tip top muggle don't forget

Lee Syedis at Skank Festival Friday and Saturday 12 o'clock show on Saturday 4 o'clock show on Friday go support it's up in the cave up there and fucking where is it it's in Brooklyn the Brooklyn Bazaar there you go cucksucker stay black I love you kick this month motherfucking Muley.