The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #696 - Andrew 'Dice' Clay

Episode Date: June 27, 2019

Andrew 'Dice' Clay, an iconic stand up comedian and actor seen most recently in "A Star is Born," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/church to get your first month for just $5.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your portable bidet.  

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Get 10% off your order. All right. Go to hellotushy.com slash church. Lee Syatt, take this motherfucking meal. The church of what's happened now, Dr. Settus. The undisputed, heavyweight king of comedies on the show. Mr. Andrew Dice Clay. You got the Christ killer.

And you got your uncle Joey G. He is, motherfuckers. The church of what's happened? now. Andrew, what's the story? I love that. I love that. That's the jam of the fucking decade. It really is. That's the jam of the decade. Years ago when you ask me, jam in a century. You go, what do I got to come out

with? I said, and it was like instant. I didn't have to, there was no thought. Yeah, I've done a lot of shows with that. When the levee fucking breaks. That's it. Yeah, I do love it. I do love it. Great to have you on the show. You look fucking beautiful. Thank you. Congratulations on the Star is born. Now here's the fucking crazy thing A lot of people don't know.

I know this because we had Nick Valonga sitting there. Oh, okay. You were also going to do the guest book. So anyway... Oh, the Green Book. The Green Book. Yeah.

Gas book, the Green Book. Any way you call it, you were going to either be in one Academy Award nominated film or fucking Tooth. Well, you know what? Honestly, I was really happy for Nick because, you know, just like us,

the guy struggled and struggled. And I knew all about the movie. and what the movie was about about his dad and like he couldn't even believe like when it was going to get made you know what I mean like when there was a deal falling into place and then all of a sudden Spielberg signed on you know they what's it called amblin right right yeah yeah you know and Nick's coming to me going you know uh Spielberg's now producing this like I was just thrilled for him. Because this is a guy just like us, you know, did whatever he

had to do to pay his rent. You know, and, you know, now he's the winner, not just the best picture, the best screenplay, and he's just cooking now. As a matter of fact, he was talking about you because you both did the Sopranos preaches. Yes, yes.

How was that? Great. He was great. He's like the greatest guy, right? He's a sweetheart of a man, just a sweetheart. I mean, I shot a film with him in 2012. Oh, okay. So you know him for a while. And that's how we met. And he was explaining the story to me about his father, blah, blah, blah, blah. Until this day, I've always said, any mob movie I've ever seen, his father's got the best line that he moved.

Opening of the Pope of Greenwich Village. Mickey Rook walks into the restaurant and the matriottie says to him, or the waiter goes, the guy wants to talk to you in the back. That's how the movie opens. He's still rolling. He goes into the bathroom and there's a guy shaking his dick, rips a paper off. the thing and he goes oh how come nobody keeps me waiting when they're looking to borrow that it fucking just just threw me off that's like our movie yeah when somebody wants to borrow money they're at 10 minutes before like no but the pope is like a bible to us you know what i mean

bible it's just one of those songs lost my fucking mind but it's uh now talking to you about the film do me a favor don't cook micky's first line tell me a favor don't cook charlie i'm coming i'm coming, Charlie. When he says to him, after they cut his thumb off, and he's in the room with the punching back. Oh, wait, wait a minute. And I haven't done this in a long time. And he's all stoned out from taking all the pills.

Because Mickey's going, how many of you know it? I don't know. I took him. Oh, I don't fucking. And then he's like hitting the, there's a heavy bag. And Mickey's telling him how his girlfriend dumped him, you know. and Eric Roberts character is like, what's his name again in the movie?

Eric Roberts. Charlie and Paulie. He's Paulie, Paulie. There you go. Sometimes you got to smack him, you know. You got to say you put your coat on it. You don't say got a night time nobody. And that's just to humble him a little.

You know, and then he passes out from the thumb, you know. And I mean, you don't smack him to knock him out. What does he say? No, he goes. Sometimes you got a smack. No, no, you smack her and say, you put, it's not about knocking them out. You put your clothes. You got a smack on and you don't say good night tot, nobody.

Yeah, you put your coat on and you don't say got a night taught nobody. And that's just to humble him a little. It's just the greatest. You don't hit them like you're in the old country, but you give them a little wacky. He says something right now. Yeah, well, I don't have the exact script in front of me. I'm sorry. I haven't thought of it.

Dirty five years ago that movie came out. Wow. So nobody's got the right script in front of it. It's 30, five fucking years ago. You've shown me the clip of that, and it seems pretty close. I have been waiting for the sequel to that. There's no sequel. They had it, and it's so funny because the guy that was like a PA on that movie

was the producer on Spider-Man too. And I went up to him and shook his hand. He's like, how did you even see that? Did you know who the original cast was supposed to be for Pope? No. It was supposed to be Pacino and James Kahn. That's who was going to do that movie. And what happened?

They fell out, and Mickey and Eric Roberts did it. And that's the only way I could ever see that movie now. Like, even when I think of how great Pacino and James Kahn, I'm sure they would have done it. But you just see the scene. Like, we're doing the scenes from the movie. There's so many great lines in that movie. when they're at the fucking horse table.

And they're milking the whole, whatever the fuck they're doing, the foot. And he goes, it's like your mother's mozzarella, not for nothing. But I went to your mother's store last week. He's a tough mozzarella.

And the guy gets in silver. And he gets nuts. The cuckuzos have never made a bad piece of mouselowel. Yeah, because that's real Italian, not for nothing, but your mother's mizzerl is a kind of tough. It was kind of tough. I used to do all that on stave,

all the impressions. He cut his thumb off, with a knife, Frankie Vincent. Uh-huh. I got to work with Frank Vincent. I got to work with Mickey. You sit there and you go, what the fuck happened all these years?

I was a good fucking year for movies. No, but he, Frank did a ton of movies. Frank was amazing. Amazing. You know, he was supposed to be, Scorsese was looking at him for when they were doing the Raging Bull. Okay.

And so they were looking at a film, like a B movie with Frank Vincent. And in the background was Peschi, you know, like doing something on stage, because him and Frank were partners, like a comedy team. And Scorsese was like, who's that guy? And they both obviously wound up in the movie, but it made Pesci's career. Because he wasn't even being thought of at the time, from what I know, from the stories I've been told. so they both wound up becoming these big-time actors.

He put him in everything, Frankie Vincent, except I think Mean Streets. Yeah. Is Frankie Vincent a Main Street? No, no, this is all post-mean streets. You know, this was once it became like Raging Bull Time. No. Or was it Goodfield?

Whichever one came first. Raging Bull. Raging Bull. 80, 80, 81, 80. Okay, and then Goodfell. And then he was like a restaurant waiter or something, Joe Pesci, a manager at a restaurant, and him and Frankie was a drummer.

Yeah. Frankie Vincent was a drummer or something, and they were, like, in some... We had, like, a little drum battle. Yeah, you crack a joke, and I hit the symbol. But they were a team. They were team. Yeah, that's what I heard.

But we did this movie that never came out, me and Frank Vincent. We did Linnextap of Mexico. It was called The Good Life. It was this crazy thing that we went through in Mexico for, like, two months. but there was a set of drums so we were going back and forth

he was a good drummer he was like a real jazz drummer you know great guy just a great guy like he's the way you would have wanted him to be when you meet him you know he didn't play the uh you know when I'm not on screen I'm this quiet asshole

like some of these actors are you know he had the personality peshy the greatest you know all these guys when I first met you you were just getting off the set of a movie with Stallone and his brother. That's the movie, the good life.

And you were playing golf or something like that. Yeah, you tortured. The movie never came out. You tortured the brother to no end. Because he wasn't being a team player. Would you torture, Frank? If I get into that story, we will not get to talk about anything else.

And I love, you know, Frank. Give me one torture chamber. You put the Frank. Okay. You know, my world, Frank hated rap music. Okay. No, but Frank happens to be like a great, great singer. Like, he's got that Sinatra style of singing.

Like, he can do that with the big band. Okay. But I didn't know too much of it back then, all right? So anyway, Frank would go off and piss all over Harry Connick, who was the biggest at the time with the big band stuff. Okay? And so me and Frank would argue over this. And I'm saying how great Connick is.

And Frank would piss all over it. And one day in the makeup trail, this actor Peter Dobson was also doing the movie with us. So I loved entertaining Dobson by fighting with Frank all day and night. And the reason the fighting would happen would be because he wasn't being a team player with us. Like Frank would be like, do you understand this movie's my fucking shot? You know, and I'm the lead in this movie. And then he'd leave my room and I'd look at Peter Dobson and go, I'm going to turn this movie into a fucking Jerry Lewis movie.

And the movie, the movie was supposed to be, follow the kind of movie this was supposed to be, Goodfellers on a golf course. Okay. Okay. It's a very tough movie. You know. And I'm behind Frank doing impersonation of him smoking. He doesn't even see me doing the shit.

I'm mocking him on screen because of the way he treated us. Okay, so now he's with the conic bullshit. So one day I come in to make up, this is, and it's 110 degrees in Exeterpa, Mexico. You ever been to Exeterpa? No. Nobody has. You understand? There's nothing there.

I didn't eat food for five weeks. Everybody was winding up in the fucking hospital. Don Barris broke his like ankle in a hole in the floor or something. So every day I would eat at 5 o'clock. I would have pasta and garlic bread and Coke with purified ice, and I wouldn't eat till the next day at the same time. That's all I would eat because everybody was falling at the waist and going to the hospital. But it was a beautiful island in Mexico.

Okay. So I come in to make up and Frank's there and he's blasting that it's distorted his cassette tape, okay, of his music. That's how loud he was playing it. And I don't say a fucking word. Because, you know, when I have a thing about me and I really made it like a big thing when I did entourage about nobody fucks with dice, dice. does the fucking in the long run for always and forever dice does the fucking that's just the way it is i don't care if it's an executive a showrunner or an actor whoever wants to fuck with me learns that in the end i will do the fucking that's it it's how i've lived my life so i'm letting the music just blast

and peter's there and he's not saying nothing and i'm doing my hair and makeup and uh So now when I'm done with the makeup, you know, Frank's still sitting there and Peter's still sitting there. And as I'm passing the distorted cassette player, I lower the volume. Okay. And I go, you know something, Frank? You know, I'm going to say it, and I'll say it in front of this whole trailer full of people, you do sing better than Harry Connick Jr. I go, the difference is Harry Connick Jr. sings the songs

people want to hear. And that's why he did nine nights at Madison Square Garden. And I cranked the music and walk in. Fuck you. He's trying to yell at me. And I just walk the fuck out. You know, it's like, come on. But Frank really does, in all honesty.

He's like an unbelievable crooner. All kidding aside, with a 16 piece orchestra, this guy swings like Sinatra, you know, and I even have him on like all my playlist, like, you know how you make playlists on your iPod, all that? And I would call this fucking moron. And I'd go, you know, once we became friends again, it only took like three years after the movie. And I go, Frank, why are you not in Las Vegas with the orchestra just swinging five nights a week? well dice if you got me an agent why the fuck do i need to get you an agent i go you're a stalone you're you're your sly's brother he can't get you a personal appearance agent you're one of the

best i go and i love like michael booblay i love all these guys but he sings better frank is better he's just a better singer you know you either feel something when you perform or you don't you know and he's one of those guys when he gets on stage he just feels it You know, and then he'll pick up the acoustic guitar. No, not the acoustic. Who gives a fuck about you with an acoustic guitar? Swing, motherfucker. Just fucking swing.

He's amazing. He really is amazing. He put an album out of maybe 12 years ago. I used to work out at this gym. And they threw the cassette out the fucking DVD out. And whenever he walked in the gym, they put rap music class. No, he's actually a great guy. He reads like a book a day.

Like, you know, but, you know, and that, you know, that movie never came out. There was a lot of problems. And Dennis Hopper was in the movie. You know, Sly was in the movie. They did it. He did a cameo. You know, and, you know, I, it just became a mess. And, you know, I, you know, I had like a, so what, nothing.

Now, what happened, I get a call. there's a long time ago so I guess it's like 30 years so I you know I get a call I'm sitting at the pool with my you know wife at the time

I got to whisper this and uh so now I get a call like from Sly's attorney that there's a problem and there might be a big lawsuit with the movie so I'm trying to tell the attorney

like well you know if there's a problem you know call me whatever like I'm blowing it off because you know it was like a little indiscretion with me and like one of the producers like a little like like a little on set affair it was an accident you know and uh you know so so I couldn't be sitting on the phone next to the woman I love going I can't talk about it now because Because, you know, there was a thing with the producer there.

You know, but if you need me, I'm with you, you know. It's crazy. What would go on? You know, I'm no fucking good. I just can't help myself. I love chicks. What are you going to do? The marriage didn't work out.

I don't believe on cheating on your wife, but if you bump into a blowjob. So be it. Sometimes you're walking down the street. I don't look at it like cheating. I never look at it like cheating. A little bird that just comes down and sucks your dick and flies away. No, but how does this sound, Joey? It's not cheating if you're in another state and your wife can't get there in time.

You know, like I've called different wives and girlfriends and go, listen, I will wait till midnight to blow my cork, but you got to be there and be ready to catch it. You know, or else I got no choice. You leave me no choice, you know. I'm nice like that. I don't want to cheat on them. You know what I mean? They do it to themselves, you know?

How are you going to get from across the country? I got a load that's boiling in my balls. You know what I mean? I got a complete face full of paste for you. You know what I mean? So where are you? Where are you with your cockholder, you know, and your mouth? Where the fuck are you when you need you? You know what I mean? You know, because I'm a guy I really do enjoy. sex. You know, it's the reason I date. You know, I don't mind blowing my own load, but, you know, I'd rather have somebody there that if I'm bored with myself, all right, come over here. Don't be shy. You know what I mean? Move the pillows out from between us. I do hate sharing a bedroom with a

girl. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? And trust me, I'm not doing any, like, stage material here. I'm not showcasing for whoever's listening. This is just who I am. But like, you know, like, let's say you have an argument, like with your chick, okay? What do you do? You turn your back to her, right? Always, you know, like, that's going to stop, you know, all of a sudden she opens up the laptop with the glow like a, like an UFO just landed in the fucking bedroom. So you're not going to be able to sleep.

But if you have your own bedroom, and not everybody could afford it, you know, but if you have, enough bedrooms. It's like, have your own fucking bedroom. So when you do have an argument, you just go over there. You know, instead of being in the same room and hearing the heavy breed, are you really going to be like,

walk out of the room? Just walk out of the room. I don't care where you sleep. You know what I mean? So it's very hard to share a bedroom. You know, that's what I believe in. I don't even know why we're talking about this stuff. Who is the fuck?

Because I was no fucking good. You know, I tell me, sons all the time I go you know I'm you know a smoker you know which I quit now you know I'm a gambler you know I you know I would I cheat on all my girls you know because you know because they just don't allow you to bang other chicks without any repercussion you know I just never understood that you know the whole Mormon thing always threw me off going so why could some jerk off guy living in fucking Utah be able to fuck 10 chicks or take a pick this one for tonight or this and a you know and I'm the nicest guy

in the world and I get one and then all of a sudden you know because I'm not the guy that bangs him that time of the month I could live without it that time of a month but give me like a little room right you know you know let me go have a few laughs I didn't create this cycle that you go through and now today you know how they all want you to really understand what they who the fuck cares what you go through? I'm not a girl. I'm never going to understand this shit. Just tell me when I could hop the fuck back on.

That's all I want to know. Yeah. You know, like, if I start dating a girl, I'll like ask her. Like, I know when that kind of time in a month, like, do you really get like in a bad mood, like one to ten? Like, you know, like give me the answers to the test that I need to know if I can make this a serious relationship. You know, like between one of the.

10, how bad is it? Do you go seven days? Is it a three-day, like, quickie? You know, because I'm not waiting seven fucking days and watching you angry for seven days. There's no way I'm living with you if that's the fucking thing. You know, just live on your own and come see me when you, when you're available to do whatever I need done. Are you done with marriage now? Are you writing it off? I mean

I you should never say done you know what I mean like I'm not looking for it because you know I would like to now you know it's like two years since me and my ex broke up so it's time like you know I like having somebody but number one she's got to be hot as balls you know what I mean that's you know I'm not going to settle for anything less you know I mean why go with something that looks like

fucking livestock you know what I mean I'm in fucking show business, I'm dice. So, you know, I want to be picky about who the next one is. And, but marriage, I don't know, maybe, you know, I would marry, like, maybe, I don't know, like a,

like something different. Somebody number one wealthier than me. You know what I mean? How about like a 22-year-old Chinese? It's not even about the aid. Just have a lot more money than me. Like, if I met like an armless,

billionaire, beautiful. there's something I haven't been with. You know what I mean? Like she won't have to turn her car like with her teeth. You know what I mean? Like you know what I mean? To make the illegal U-turns.

That would be different. But, you know, if I met like all the girls I've ever married, you know, and there have been a ton of them and engagements and all kinds of shit. And, but I would actually, I got a thing, like I actually need to really be crazy about the girl I marry because

you know like when you meet these women that are looking for a guy like with a lot of money and they spend their life like looking you know to collect diamonds and cause and money it's like you're wasting your time on earth being with somebody you're not even really into you know what I mean

were most of the women from L.A. or was it it from Marston it's women from anywhere like you know a lot of mothers do teach their girl oh it's just as easy to marry rich as you How about marrying just what you love? You know what I mean? Because any girl I ever married I was in love with, that's it.

Till I hated them. You know what I mean? You know, till it fell apart, you know, because as Joey even knows, my relationships have been, like I was with my son's mom for 16 years. That's a long run. Yeah. You know, even my last relationship was nine years. That's a long run.

You know, so, yeah, I never went, you know, with a girl for her money. You know, like, yeah, when I came. out here i was dating sandy shore for a little while mitsy was like oh you'll marry my daughter i was 21 fucking years old you know and you know forget about jewish girls you know yeah because my first girl was a girl was a jewish girl and she just wrecked it for all the other jewish girls just awful to be with we get an argument if i would look at a girl in another car okay i had a 69 lamans and we're driving down king Highway in Brooklyn, she'd open the door to throw herself out of the fucking car.

Go, I'd have to grill. What the fuck is right? This was not a one-time event. Okay? This went on at least once a week where she's throwing herself out of the car, a moving car. And so one night I asked her to marry me, you know, because I wanted a guarantee getting blown. It was New Year's Eve, right?

And so she goes, let's go tell me. parents whatever so I go it's two in the morning we don't have to you know let's do this instead you know because now you're gonna be married and no let's go so we go wake the parents up and we're sitting there and I actually re sort of did this in my first special dice man cometh right where this girl calls me she goes what's he ever gonna be he's like a nothing that's how this girl would act because her father, I don't want to name names or anything, but her father at that time was a top NBA ref in the country. And back then, referees were as famous as the players. And I don't even

follow sports, but he was like, if you heard his name, it was like, fuck, you know. And the guy made like 50 grand a year and, you know, all the perks, whatever. So we wake to parents, we're going to get married. And she starts in with me. It's three in the morning about the ring. Now, I'm I'm working in a clothing store. I'm bringing home like 200 a week. And I'm, you know, I wasn't thinking this far. I wanted the blow job, you know what I mean? I'm not thinking about spending 30 grand on a ring, you know.

And she goes, what do you mean you're not going to get me? I go, I can't afford an expensive ring right now. And she starts a fight in front of her parents. And all of a sudden, you know, I'm an explosive personality. So I'm just like, fuck you. Fuck her. I'm yelling at the parents. I go, you keep this no good.

bitch I'm out of this relationship and I go to leave the apartment which had a bunch of steps leading to the front door that she's now wrapped her arms around my neck and letting the feet drag on the steps and I'm screaming at her father get this fucking animal off of me before she gets fucking hurt and the father's fucking pulling her off of me you know and I'm like this is three in the morning this is three in the fucking morning happy new year Andrew happy fucking new year. You know, and, you know, so after I went with that girl, I swore off like Jewish girls. And on my way to L.A., first it was San Diego where my sister lives, and that's where I met Sandy, who was, yeah, she was a great chick, you know. And I guess she liked my attitude because, you know, I knew I was in comedy for six months. I don't know about spots. I don't know about, I was headlining pitch.

after my audition on a Wednesday night. I was headlining Friday, Saturday, you know, because I had an act where I turned from Jerry Lewis into John Travolta from Greece, so it would just kill. So when I come into the comedy store, because my sister goes, oh, there's a comedy store in, in, in, in, in La Jolla, you know, and I go, yeah, well, what, the one in L.A.'s where she goes, no, I think they're connected, like, you know.

So I go over there and remember John the bartender? Yes. Okay. So it's daytime. So I come over to this guy and I go, yeah, I'd like to where do I sign up? I want to go on tonight. You know, I just came from Tahoe and Vegas. You know, I was performing there. You know, it was a Sandy Hackett thing. And, you know, I made it like it was a gig, but it was just a showcase. And he goes, oh, you can't just sign up. You know, you got to, you got to talk to the manager. And I go, well, where is it? He goes, no, it's a she. It's a she's. in her office knock on the door you know be be nice with her you know i'm like yeah okay you know like i'm not even thinking midsy comedy stuff you know it means nothing to me you know so it's sandy and yeah can i help you i go yeah where do i sign up for tonight you know she goes what do you mean where do you sign up you know it doesn't it doesn't work like i go honey you know i just did Vegas I just did Tahoe you know I want to go on like what are we going to do and she liked me immediately

you know because like I was might as well been from another planet because I was from Brooklyn and I never went I never left Brooklyn till I came out here and she goes well why don't you come back tonight about nine o'clock and I'll get you on and I went on and dazzled her and next thing you know we're in her that she had this great Riviera and next thing you know we'll walk in the beach and, you know, where they keep the condos and, you know, and then I come to L.A. and I showcase for Mitzie. I did 28 minutes, which the MC, you know, Rob Aguio? Do you remember him? No, no. He was an MC back then. But I don't know who's the boss, who's the owner. I just went on and I did my whole act. I give a fuck with the three minutes. And this guy

starts screaming at me as I'm leaving the stage and I go, are you the owner? And he goes, no, but I'll make sure you know. I go, get out of my way, you know, unless the owner tells him. I go, I didn't come 3,000 miles to do three minutes, okay? So move out of my way. I'm warning you, you know, and then I'm in the bathroom, like taking, like putting all my Jerry Lewis stuff back in the bag. And there's a guy next to me.

This is my first experience here. And how you doing, you know, you know, in the regular bathroom, in the original room. I go, yeah, good, you know. Oh, you know, me and you, we sort of wear our hair the same way, you know, because I had a lot more hair back there. I go, yeah, you know, great, you know, can I help you with something? Because I don't do that, you know.

You know, he was like coming on to me. And who was it? Fucking with me. Gary Shanling. That's how I met Gary Shanling. And he started laughing. I am Gary. Yeah, okay, goodbye.

Yeah. And then the next day, I get a call. I was staying with my friend in Elhambra, where I just bang this other chick on the couch that he set up for me to his wife. And I get a call. You got to come to the comedy store and sign papers. You're a paid regular.

And I didn't even know what that all meant. I just, it was Mitchell Walters. I kept calling my father in Brooklyn. He saw me at Pips in Brooklyn. He was one of Mitzie's main guys. You know, Mitchell. Yes. So when he saw the after,

I was doing he kept calling my father at his office going you don't understand I have prep Mitzie your son needs to come out here and that's the reason I even came to L.A. was because of Mitchell you know and you know because he did a whole number but he kept calling my father till I finally said you know what let me go out for two weeks and I didn't go back to Brooklyn for nine months you know for the first visit you know because Mitzie was like you you can't go back there you You know, you're a star. What year was this?

It was 79. February 79's when I came out of you. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I started September 13, 78 at Pips and Brooklyn. So like, you know, half a year later, I'm in L.A. So I don't know if there's a comedy boom starting to happen. I just figured, you know, I'll go to L.A. and just become like one of the biggest stars in the world.

What do I give a shit? I have no academic skills, so this is what I am. It's just, I just project myself to the shit. So from 79 to 87, what was going on? I just, well, I did the Travolta act until I did the Don Kirshner rock concert, which I did the Jerry Lewis, the Travolta, and I ended with Stallone.

It was amazing how we got away with using all that music, you know, just not paying a nickel for, you know, the rocky theme and Greece and all the music. music I used. Because the producer was Tom Lynch, who was 23 years old, and I go, don't we have to pay, like, to use it? He goes, don't worry, just do your rack. And he wound up producing my first special of Diceman Cummeth. And yeah, because I took off in, it was September 13th. exactly 10 years later, February 13th, 88 is when I add on the Rodney special on a Saturday. And Monday, I was the biggest comic in the world.

What came first? The Rodney special or the Dice Man? No, Rodney Special. I never really even needed my own special. Because before my special hit, I was in arenas already. It was ridiculous. No shit. And what I did, I predict.

addicted, and I've put this up on my Instagram where I put the ad on my Instagram of, I took a full page ad in variety, you know, on a Thursday. The special was going to add the Saturday, the 13th, the Rodney thing. So on the 11th, because you know Friday how everybody closes down in show business? So I took a full page, I spent about 3,500 bucks on a full page, half the page, Half the page is my picture, real attitude picture, not even in a leather, I'm just sitting on a chair backwards. And the other side, I wrote this whole long poem about, like in bold letters. I never studied much in school.

But when I turned on the tube and then I listed everybody, like there was Elvis the King, Buddy Rich with hands like lightning. Travolta sang and dance. Sly knocked me out. Brando made me pout. I mentioned all these heroes of mine. And at the end, I write, Murphy and Pryor, both great, no doubt,

but in 88, it's dice they'll shout. I never studied much in school. Dot, dot, dot, dot, but I did study. With big, bold writing, Rodney Dangerfield, nothing goes right, Saturday. And I predicted what it was going to be to the entire industry. And it's exactly how it came down. Because number one, Rodney, let me edit my shot.

Because he showed me an edit of my, you know, what I did. And I looked at him and I'm like, that's not it. And he goes, okay, man, what don't you work on it, all right? Work on it with the director. And I worked on it for a couple hours. I show it to Rodney. He goes, you're happy now, man. Okay, all right.

And that's what he let air, because I knew what was going to affect the public. You know, I just, you know, I didn't care what any of the comics we're going to do on that show. I couldn't care. What's his name? Barry Sobel shows up. And what's Barry Sobel known for wearing? Leather jacket. No, something.

Baseball jacket. Baseball jacket. Okay. So he shows up in a motorcycle jacket. they're all trying to fucking throw me off you know all these fucking guys so I go over to Rodney

and I go what's with Sobel and he goes what do you mean man because Rodney looked at me like I'm gonna be the guy you know that's it like he knew that guy was going to blow up

if I did the right set and I go why is he in a motorcycle jacket that's not what he wears hey Barry come here a minute man you know and Barry's like care, Rodney, he goes, what's with the jacket? You know, he goes, where's the

baseball jacket? He goes, no, I'm going to wear this. He goes, well, you can wear it, but it's not going to be on TV. Okay, man. So go get your baseball jacket. Dice wears the leather jacket. You know, and that was it, you know. And I came up there, we did two shows on two different nights.

And the first show, when I left the stage, I came over to my father and my mother and Trini, you know, and I said, done, biggest comic in the world. I didn't give a shit about the cameras I played to America. That's how you got to do it. You know, all the other comics worried about what everybody else is doing.

All I cared about, I was so fucking prepared. You know, I would see these guys fucking around at the comedy store. You know, the late night crowds with three people, and they're fucking around. You know, Shimmel, I rare, they're just fucking around. And I'm like, you dumb fucks, man. When you get the shot of a lifetime in front of you, I don't care if there's nobody in the room. I'm running the set, you know, and that's it because the one thing I know is when you do a shot like that, you're going to be a little nervous. So at least be prepared, at least know what's coming out of your mouth.

No, you're not going to fuck it up, you know. And Rodney to this day, you know, without him, it wouldn't have to happen, you know, the greatest. And let me do exactly what I wanted to do and edit it exactly the way I wanted to edit it. and the rest became history. How far? So you didn't shoot Dice Man Cummeth for about a year and a half? No, it added nine months later, you know, on New Year's Eve, 80.

So the Rodney thing, it's February 13th, 88. So we're going into 89. So the Dice Man cometh ad, New Year's Eve, 89 going into 90. at midnight. You sure it wasn't before that? Yeah. Because it's nine months after the Rodney special. Because I got locked up in 88.

Yeah, but that's when I hit. Before I got locked up, I think that the roommate showed me the fucking the special. You probably saw the Rodney thing because that aired New Year's Eve. And then I got out of February of 89.

Okay. After the Rodney's after my special. the Dice Man Comet. Okay. Which had New Year's Eve going into the next year. And New Year's Eve, 89, 90, I rented out the conference room at the halfway house. And I put your special on.

No, you would tell me this stuff. And I got food, and people couldn't believe it. They were blown away. And I'm telling you guys, get ready for this shit. No, it was on IMDB, it says January 1st, 1989. Which means midnight. Right, right. So yeah, I think... 88, 80, yeah.

So not 88 going into 89, not 89 going into 90, I think. Right, I saw it 89 going into 90. Okay. Yeah, that's when it was. That's crazy. Because February, we're going to sit here, like three dummies, trying to figure out a date. I see it. So if the Rodney thing had February 13, 88...

Right. Yeah. Oh, so it makes sense. 88 going into 89. Right. Yeah, nine months later. So you knew... like were you having bad sets at that point?

Like if you had not done well, do you think you would have known? Or do you, was that set just something so special? Like you're like, okay, I know that that's going to kick ass. The set on, on Rottening.

Oh, no, I was prepared, you know. I remember, you know, I was so prepared from everything from the material to what I was wearing. The belt buckle was this fucking big. You know, it was ridiculous. And I walked from the Regency Hotel to Rodney Dangerfield's club. Like I told Trini, I go, I got to feel the street.

You know, and as I'm walking, you can imagine people looking at this guy that looked like a superhero walking the streets with the belt buckle and the leather and the glasses. It was a whole thing. And I come into the club and Rodney's standing there. And he goes, how do you feel, man? You ready? and I'm wearing these dark glasses and I go,

tonight they pay. Tonight they get disciplined. And he just starts laughing his ass off, go, okay, man, tonight they're gonna pay. All right, man. You got some issues, you know, the way he would, you know,

he just loved how dead serious I was. Like, I couldn't give a fuck who was doing that show. You know? One of the first things Joey Show, me like eight years ago when we started working together it's it's the world of comedy see this you know back then like you know nobody got behind me at all you know when when i went through the controversy with the news and all that and journalists and they were just coming down on me

every comic and his mother was on fucking television shows that weren't even real shows like they were creating morning shows just to talk about this comic that shouldn't even be allowed to perform Okay. So I had fucking nobody behind me, which leads me to the, to the Roseanne thing. You know, and I was like, so I was never one of the pack. You know what I mean? When George Slaughter did the comedy awards, for instance, you know, the first year they were doing the comedy awards. I think that was 1990. And you knew who Tim Jones was. He passed away recently. The black kid? Yeah. No, he did. A little while ago, yeah. Great guy. You know, and we always liked each other, but we never had much to say to each other. We drive to La Jollaire together, and Tim would always look at me and goes, we're just two talkable motherfuckers, you know, because we wouldn't say a word,

but we just liked each other. What did he die from if you don't mind? I don't know. I don't know. What a sweetheart. You know, great guy. I mean, I haven't seen him since the day. I haven't seen him in 10 years, but I'll tell you, we both had a pretty bad drug problem.

No, he's just a nice guy, though. Nice guy. and this guy comes over to me so it's the night of it's the year 2000 okay and they're doing the comedy awards

which I wasn't invited to I was never invited to anything and I didn't know they're having the party for the comedy awards at the comedy store like the after party so I'm seeing all these limos pull up because I sit to training I just want to get out

you know I'll go over to the comedy store because it bothered me, you know. And here comes Tim Jones over to me at the comedy store, and he goes, why weren't you at the comedy awards? And I go, wasn't invited. And he goes, that's unreal to me. He goes, how don't they give an award to a guy that has sold more tickets than any comic ever from the day the first joke was told? And they didn't give you an award for that? Because I was doing 80,000 people a week. Jesus. Yeah, it was ridiculous. And I had to leave the store when I

saw that George Slaughter because that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to fucking slaughter him. You know, and I came home that night, this is kind of funny. Well, it's not funny. It's, you know, I'm actually meeting with these people tonight. They want to do like the Dice bio pick, you know.

And there's a lot of drama in it, obviously. You know, and it's these guys that did straight out of Compton, you know, know so so I'm looking around I'm sitting around this room that in in the house I had a house in Beverly Hills so we called the Daddy's Den where I could smoke my cigarettes and make my phone calls to all hours at a night and it's just bugging the fuck out of me you know all of it no matter how big I was as a comic it's just bothering me and I go inside and I sit on the

bed and I guess Trini felt me sit on the bed and she goes are you a Right? How was you set? And I'm just sitting there and I go, I'm going back to the garden. I go, these boys aren't going to grow up without seeing that. And that's it. And she goes, all right, why don't you just lay down whatever happened, you'll tell me tomorrow. And what wound up happening to go back to the garden, this is in 2000, I needed something because I had no heat. You know, I was living off my past fame, but as far as, like I was.

done. I was blackboard from the movie industry. The only kind of movies I could do with like B movies, you know, and you know, which maybe one of them will talk about Brain Smashy with Terry Hatcher. That was a special movie.

And so I get a record deal just to have something to promote, you know. And I got the deal like in two weeks through this producer. And so we put the record out. And at that time, I was doing Opie and Anthony when they were on FM, like on the same station as Stern, but in the afternoon. And since I wasn't talking to

Stern at the time, I would just do their show, okay? So my agent calls me up and he goes, all right, the record I hear is off the shelves. You know, what's the move? Like we would always strategize I go book the garden and he goes you want to book the garden he goes last time you went Westbury you did half a house meaning 1,500 people and now I'm telling him to book you know 18,000 like what's going on he thought I'm losing it he goes why don't we do the beacon and if the beacon sells out you know which he didn't think it was you know that it would take months to sell it out he goes we can move the show to the garden So I said, Dennis, I go, the beacon's going to sell out in 20 minutes.

I go, you don't understand. I'm doing this radio show. He goes, so you do, he goes, well, why the garden? Like, what's so important? I go, because my sons, who were six and ten at the time, need to see that because it'll do something for them. You know, in the long run is how I thought about it. Like something will go in that, you know, like we all looked at our own fathers in whatever way. And he goes, so you want me to call Ron Dells name, book Madison Square Garden because you need a photo op with your sons.

I go, call it whatever you want. I go, but it'll sell out. There's no problem. Because you're on afternoon drive, I don't get it, you know. So we booked the beacon, like he says. And everybody's taking bets on Opie and Anthony, how long it'll take. I'm saying 20 minutes. It sold out in 35 minutes.

Beacon Theater, which at that time was 3,300 seats. So now I call my agent, and he don't know what to say, because you can't move the show. The beacon owns the show, you know. So he calls Ron Delsner, and so now the beacon's going to be October 20th, 2000. So he calls up Ron Delsner, and Delsner, who's a legendary promoter, which we all know, says, look, obviously Dice knows something we don't. He feels something. Let's put 10,000 seats on sale at the garden.

Look how fast he sold the beacon. But the only available date was the following Saturday, which is the 26th now of October. First day on sale, we do over 7,000 tickets, which is ridiculous, you know. But then it gets announced that the Mets are going to play the Yankees. And I'm not even into sports, but I know how big a subway series is going to be.

The bottom line is I get a call the day of the garden, which, you know, Trini's there, my sons are there, you know, they're going to see this now, you know. So it's Ron Delsner and he goes, would you mind if we open up the back? He goes, we're clean. You did the sellout, you know. So we did the last night of the World Series, the Mets playing the Yankees, we did over 14,000 people at the garden. and my boys got to see it. And now they're rocking and rolling. Okay. So where I was going with this whole thing

was about, you know, how even back then, just nobody ever stood. The only one that ever stood up for me was Eddie Murphy. You know, he did come, you know, one time he came out on Arsenio and talked about how he doesn't give a shit what anybody thinks. He's coming to see me at the amphitheater.

And um but other than that all you know the j lenoes these fucking jerkoffs let him in nobody backed me up you know they're bad mouth of me i remember coming over to leno when he said something nasty about me and i just came out in an interview in penthouse which i was the first guy ever put on the cover of penthouse you know other than bob guccione himself i was the first male on the cover of penthouse and it did great and uh you know and i came over to to to Leno at that time and he goes whoever thought we both get to you know where we got to and I go let me tell you something I knew exactly where I was going maybe you didn't I go but I'm telling you if I ever hear you say anything nasty about me again

I go you're a guy I stood in front of that comedy store with for 10 years and bullshitted about vintage cars and my old Cadillac and then the minute I made it you wanted to open up your fucking mouth I go if I come looking for you again it's not going to be any talking

involved believe me just keep your fucking mouse shut you know and and i never respected leno because and it wasn't even me it was because his whole rain on the tonight show he never helped other comedians you know he didn't do what johnny carson did he didn't look to make comics look great and sit him down and get him deals and you know when johnny brought you out if he liked you the next day you got a deal with the network you know he would say how great you are these guys wanted to sit above look down on you and now let them in on fucking Netflix looking like a hundred and forty five year old Santa Claus what the fuck is that looks like he's got hay all over his fucking face just go to your house and stay in your fucking house nobody wants to look at you

like that fucking jerk off asshole guy that's what I think of those kind of guys no seriously like picture if you're Johnny Carson, if he walked over to me, I would shake in my boots. I go, so nice to have met you. Like, whether I was on a show or not, it's Johnny Carson, who love comedy. When Don Rickles was on, when Rodney was on, when any comic came on Carson, he looked at it, this is their moment. I'm on every fucking night for what, an hour and a half? You know, let them shine.

Not these assholes. you know, you know, get them on, get them off, you know, not how great they are. Honestly, if Jay Leno walked over and I said, get the fuck out of here, I'm having coffee. Who are you? You know, no respect. That's what I'd give them because they don't earn it. You know, you got to earn that kind of shit. So now, here we are years later, okay?

And Roseanne has her little problem, you know, when she was on the fucking Ambiena or whatever the fuck it was, which I personally have been on Ambien, haven't been on it in 16, 17 years, because it does make you say shit, it does turn you into characters, it does make you eat every fucking thing in the refrigerator, maybe including a shelf or two. You know, that's what Ambien does.

I had a neighbor move out. When I lived in Franklin Towers, and I first started going with Tic-Tac Tits, you know, Eleanor, whatever. And I say that with love, because nobody loves Eleanor more than me. I loved this so much. I ignored the tits.

I treated those tits. Like, you know how girls get giant tits put on today? That's how I treated those fucking Tick-Tac tits. Like, you know, she wore a bra like everybody else, but she could take a shirt off, maybe one is hanging out. Like, it's almost like if the bra could talk, it would be saying something like, what's our job exactly

you know what I mean but when I would put those tits in my mouth I would open my mouth like I'm putting a fucking watermelon in my mouth exactly you know make her feel great about those fucking tits you know

she's going to kill me for this anyway anyway so I had an apartment of Franklin Towers and you know five in the morning two of the characters that I would become their worlds crossed somehow.

This colonel from the Marines and Marvin who was a very streetwise African-American man I'll say politically correct and like the colonel this is five in the morning would be like you are in my army son

and you will do ads told and Marvin would be like motherfucker booge shit, motherfucker. I'll go AWOL and shit. And here would come, because when you're on Ambien, and you did this by, like, without knowing,

no, you got to understand, when you're on Ambien, you ever take it, Joey? No. Okay. No, somebody, somebody gave me one. All right. About six months ago, and I took it, and I thought I was going to start saying racial slurs.

No, this is the people at one desk and call them names. Nothing. No, this is what happens. If you lay down and take an Ambien, you're going to be out cold in five minutes. but let's say by chance you took the ambient and it was oh fuck I forgot to make this call now the ambient takes effect so you're half asleep and you're half awake you know you're just hallucinating on this fucking thing so that's what would happen to me so I'm in the living room

five in the more motherfucker you don't talk to me like that bitch you will be put in the brink do you understand I am a colonel in the United States Army you know So now the lady next door would be leaving notes on the door. Like, I don't know who all these people are, you know, but it has to stop. I haven't slept in two months. And as I'm yelling, the colonel yelling at Marvin, all of a sudden, here comes Eleanor going, she would call them by Marvin.

You need to lay down and go to sleep. You have to go to sleep. This is what's going on, you know. I put Max to sleep that way. We were talking about it the other day. Yeah, I go, little man, you're going to go to school. You ain't going to wind up like me. You know?

Shit. I never had the opportunity you had and shit. And Max is 12 years old in his bed looking at Marvin, like laughing, like my father's nuts, you know. So what happened is this woman moved out, you know. Because of Marvin? Because of Marvin and the colonel. You know. And a pornography actress moved in that, uh,

The whole apartment, Nikki Six started dating her at the time. Great. Better. Better for me. You know, who gives a fuck about that lady? I never even saw a lady that moved out. Speaking of Eleanor, you and her on your Instagram has to be like one of the funniest things in the entire world. You know, we are meeting with people.

People want to make a show out of it now. They can't even believe what goes on with us. It's really, let me just finish this story. Okay, go ahead. Then we could go back to Eleanor. Take that. No, no, I didn't say that. That was Joey, Eleanor.

People will be calling a tick, doc, tics. I'm in so much trouble. Anyway, so what happened? But she knows that, you know, how I feel about them. I don't know. Whatever I say now is going to be. The point is, that's not what sold Eleanor to me. You know what I mean?

Like, when I liked her, like I didn't even look at her tits. You know what I mean? Like, you ever see her in a sweatshirt? You see what I mean? It was more of the ass. No, because her ass was rounded in a good way. You know, like any girl I go with, like tits is an extra. Like I don't hunt for, if I saw a girl with the biggest tits in the world going,

holy shit, now she walks by me and she's got no ass, I go, that girl's being punished by God. You know, because, you know, to have tits like that and a face like that and no fucking ass, that girl's never getting married. that girl's going to have to pay her own rent for the rest of a fucking life. She's got no fucking ass, do you understand? I don't want a fucking emery board. You understand what I'm saying?

I don't want a two by four head. I'll take a big fat ass like I don't know, like anybody, you know, and the tits are extra, whatever, you know, it evens it out better. Right. You know what I mean? It's a pity on girls without a fat ass. Thank God they could throw an ass in today. You know what I mean?

Yeah, but it's probably easier to throw tits. And right? I'm just saying if the girl has tits. Right. No, I understand. And she's got no ass. Look at me when I'm trying to explain something.

It's a fucking pity, right? No, yeah. Like you get all excited. Look at this chick walking towards me. And then he goes, no fucking ass. Like, I would look at Joey and go, there's no ass here.

Right. This girl's got to probably work three fucking jobs just to pay for a car. And she's probably driving a fucking Prius, which sucks. Right. You know what I mean? Or a mini cooper. Absolutely. I want to talk about cars.

The point I'm getting at, when Roseanne, I'm going to lose my trinket of thought, Tranket? Is that a word? People know what I mean. My thought pattern. Okay. Roseanne was on like an ambient, whatever. And she lost her job, whatever.

And when I saw that, that really bothered me. Because I know Roseanne for 33 years with friends. all these years and I'm like fuck this you know and I waited for the right time and we spoke and I said just come to Vegas I'm gonna bring you on in Vegas and the minute she came on standing ovation okay just the standing oh coming on and going off and what's great about Harry Basil is he films everything at the Laugh Factory so we got it all you know and that's when I said what I was in I said I don't give a fuck I go, nobody ever got behind me. Okay, all these fucking comics,

these fucking cock suckers in their hearts, you know, and I'm not talking about you, you know. I'm talking about the generation before, you know. No, I know exactly what you're talking about it. You know, one nut, Belzer, you know what I mean? People like that. Belser would be on TV going, he shouldn't be allowed to perform.

And I'm going, he's filthier than me. Yeah, but I took care of him a long time ago on the Stern show. Yeah. Yeah. That was and I love Belzer to this day. I love him. You know what I mean? I mean, he's a you know, he did a great job with SUV, whatever, you know, the law and order thing, you know, but I'm saying why would a guy like that be going against the guy like me when you're filthy on stage? You know, it's one thing if it was Seinfeld who didn't come up against me, you know, because he's smart and he knows what I would do. Dice does the fucking. Okay. But, you know, honestly, I've always, you know, I've always loved that crew of Jerry Seinfeld and Larry Miller and Paul Reiser. Like, that's a different kind of, that's clean of comedy.

And Seinfeld's the best of that. You know, who's going to be better than that? I mean, he actually thinks about what he's going to say on stage. That's unbelievable to me. I watched these fucking guys go on with the, it used to be notepads. Now it's the iPhone. Let me go over it. Just give them a fucking thrill.

They're so excited you're up there. Do the two new bits and just fucking entertain them. I want to fucking choke these guys to death. Anyway, so when I saw that with Roseanne, I said, I'm not going to be the guy that didn't help. You know? And I called her. I said, we're going to do a tour.

And everybody dumped her, you know, her manager, her agents, everybody. So I call my agent Pete Papalado, you know, who I'm with him and Dennis for 30 years. I mean, Pete was a 20-year-old when I was with Dennis at first. And he was mentored by Dennis Offer. And now he's like one of the greatest, like I'm with Gersh for like movies and stuff. But for personal appearance,

I've always been other than for like a year or two on and off with Dennis Offra and Pete Papalado, Pete being my major agent right now. So I call up Pete and I go, listen, I got an idea. You know, I go, I want to go out with Roseanne. You got a problem handling, huh?

Like, would that be good for you? You know, and my agents, they don't handle comics. They handle rock stars. They have like, you know, Motley crew, Metallica, Billy Joel who just did what? What is he on his 60th show at the garden? You know, once a month.

I mean, that's, you know, that's my other agent. That's Dennis Offer. That's who used to strategize with me for all the arena. We did that together. You know, so he's handled, you know, everybody, you know, what's his name that passed away that I loved? What would you do? What's Joe Caca, you know, he's handled everybody.

It's all rock stars. It's amazing, but they probably have, you know, a quarter of the rock stars in the world. Okay, so I call Pete and I go, would you handle Roseanne, you know? And he goes, done. I don't have a problem with her. That's the difference.

So now we're going on sale. We're putting a few shows on sale. One is The Paramount. The Paramount, which I got to call today going, we pick too small of a fucking place because it's like three-quarters sold out already. It's on pre-sale.

It doesn't even go on sale until tomorrow, Friday. So they are holding some tickets for the general public. We might have to have to show to that. you know and the Atlantic City it's it's um hard rock hard rock live which is it is a small arena which is also just the tickets of flying already as it's pre-sales so i'm like this is going to be the biggest comedy tour you know to hit america in a long time you know and it's eleanor of course all right so eleanor listen when you hear the thing about the pin tit thing i'll just pay you more money for the shows

because Eleanor will open the shows, you know, and then it's Roseanne and myself, and maybe we'll do a little something at the, you know, I just love her. Like, we were dancing when we did the Las Vegas thing. I put on this, like, crazy song and we started doing like the

you know, like the dance. Whatever it is. Yeah. You said a line in Starsborn. You said a line that I watched the movie up to that part. I've seen the movie so many times on HBO. I just watched it up to that part in the beginning.

And when you said it, it was coming from Dice. You said it so naturally. And it was the story of Dice. You said when Lady Gaga goes in the back, you tell her your friends, you go, you know, I knew a thousand guys who were better than fucking Sinatra. That could out sing him

under the fucking table. But with Sinatra, when he went on those blue eyes and that fucking shark skin suit and those leather shoes, he became Sinatra. That's right. And all those other guys just went to the wayside. Yeah, it just went nowhere. And that's what you did in your life.

Yeah. When you hit the stage, there's no fucking pad. There's no. No pad. There's no crime. There's no freaking. Yeah, I just love to perform. Like, and that was actually written in the script.

Right. No, no. None of that. I know that. But when you said it. written that I did but not that. When you said it, it was just, I was like, that's, that's a line that only he could say and only he could understand.

Because if a regular actor had to say that line, he would not understand what he'd be saying. Because it's, you know, it's organic. I, you know, it's just organic. And, you know, I've gone through 40, how long are you doing comedy now? 28. Yeah, I'm doing it 41. 41. You know, like, you know, it's like when I think of like even the arena days, let's say, that's like a different lifetime ago, you know, like when I get on Instagram, why don't you have

the black in your hair? Because I don't want to be that, you know. I hardly wear the leathers anymore. I like going on in a t-shirt and my jeans, you know, you know, because I've seen, you know, I got a little angry with Sebastian for a while because, forget about Dice influenced. He was doing dice on stage and specials. And I love the guy. He opened for me years ago. And I, you know, I would only have people open for me that I saw potential in, you know, and even back then, I'd say it's too dicey. And then through the years, he got dicey, but then he came back to himself, you know, and originally what got me mad at him was when he was on Mark Marin talking, and Mark Marron was asking him about opening for me and, you know, asking him to tell some stories,

which we have a lot of about hanging with me. And he wouldn't tell any stories. He wouldn't tell anything. And I'm like, you know, what the fuck is this? You know, I took you one to my wing. So it got me, it started getting me angry. And then comics would get me angrier going. He's like, dice light when he's up there, you know, with the leather jacket.

it and but before he did the garden which he did four nights which is unbelievable you know i do love the guy so when he went on the how it stern show and and stern questioned him about me he answered stern the right way so i wrote a whole thing on instagram about how great the guy is and and to him like i'm with you you know like i i wouldn't want him to think like i wasn't behind him because there have been other comics now like bill burr has talked to me about the influence i was in his life and how he saw me at um oh fuck at boston not the boston garden and i think the boston centrum and bill's one of the funniest you know that and he uh you know he plays drums and when i was doing the arenas i would end with a giant drum solo i would play it to uh i had like an eight-piece band so

I would do the Elvis thing. I would do the Travolta thing, doing Greece Lightning. I would even do some songs on my... I would do Love Won't Let Me Wait by Luther Vandros, you know, just with a keyboard player. And then I would do soul sacrifice with the band from Santana. And I'd go into a big drum solo. So Bill, I saw him. He was filming Bill Burr Presents, which Eleanor did a spot on for Comedy Central.

So I went to the taping, and I'm going, I want you to play the drums on stage. She goes, no, I won't do it because that's what you did. But I also did arenas, and you're doing that. So play the drums if you want to play the drums. I said, I'll come up with you one night. We'll do a double drum solo. But I love the influence I brought in.

When I was doing the arenas, I didn't think that others were ever going to do. do it. Like, you know, you've got to be a certain kind of performer to be able to entertain 20,000 people. I geared myself for that my whole life. You know, I didn't study comics. I studied Elvis. That's who I studied. Elvis, Buddy Rich, like the greatest of the greats. So when I made it, I knew how to perform, you know, and but other comics have come along. Rogan, he's doing arenas. You know, you're doing big theaters. Shepal. You know, Shepal. You know, Shepo. I was doing it. But I love, you know, you know, Kevin Hart has spoken about me in detail about what I did for him.

You know, like, you know, when I'm 30 years old, I'm not thinking about a guy that's, you know, you know, two years old or 10 years old going, I want to be that. But that's who I was watching Elvis do the 68 comeback special when I was 12, you know, going, oh, I could be that. But, and I didn't mean as a singer, just the whole image of that person. And that's what I became in stand-up. And now, because so many comics all wearing leather jackets on stage, I'm going, fuck that, I'll find something else. You know, because I've always set a trend. I don't follow.

You know, I can't have every other comic wearing a motorcycle jacket on stage and be going up with the motorcycle jacket. So I went to the T-shirts, and I'll cut them out. You know, I cut them a certain way. And, you know, and trust me, it's a lot easier because some of my leathers weighed like 20 pounds. Jesus. How many all together you got?

A couple hundred. You know, I have all there. Still? Yeah, I have them all. You know, now and then I'll give a leather away, like one. If I like somebody, I'll give them, like, leathers that I wore in concert, but not like the dice rules or the dice man cometh or the MTV Jack. I have all of that stuff.

Yeah, you don't get, that's for my sons, you know. You don't give that stuff away. You know, it's funny how Richard Pry introduced me to comedy. Dangerfield made me thought about doing comedy and you pushed me over the edge. You push me over the edge. That's a cool thing. You pushed me over the edge.

Like I knew once I saw you, you let me know I could do it. You would let me know while you were shooting. You could do this. That's, you know, would you like to buy a flower for the lady? Yeah, so I could plan it in your ass. All that stuff was what I was thinking. So at first I was pissed at you for like the first week.

this motherfucker stole my shit. He didn't even know me, and he stole my shit right out of my fucking head. Well, it's street. It's street humor. It was so relatable to me. And then I mean, I showed everybody who would listen. It was that type of campaign. Like, anybody who would listen.

My in-laws were from Buffalo Catholic. I remember having my father-in-law in the room with the door locked. Fucking howling. Fucking howling. It's so crazy. Now, do you have dates for this special? Anywhere for the store? Yeah, well, they go on sale tomorrow.

I'm only putting, this is what's so nuts, we just should have released like 20 dates, but they'll be more next week, you know, because these are just, these are going to be sold out tomorrow. You know, and like I said, one of them, you know, is a cut down arena. And, you know, when my agent called me today, it goes, the pre-sales are ridiculous.

You know, that's exciting news, because I want this to be giant because like I said, I just didn't like them squashing this girl who's entertained millions of people her whole adult life and because we're living in a world where

you just say something and you lose a career not even do something. You say something and you're being held accountable. You know, when people are getting off of murder, you know, They're walking, you know, but yet you said something and everybody, oh, they shouldn't, they shouldn't be on TV. You know, so I was like, fuck that.

We're going to tour, you know, like, you know, and that's why the name is so great, Mr. and Mrs. America, you know, and I look at it like making America laugh again, you know, because people, you know, mediocre has become the new great. My son, Max, told me, he goes, like when I watch these comedies, specials. Like, I'll give it up if somebody's great. I want to laugh my bull. Me too. I'll be honest when I watched, I'll bring back Sebastian again. I hope he hears this because I watched him. It was at Radio City Musical, was his last special. And I sat there with my son Dylan laughing like an idiot because now I'm not, you know, it's hard to watch someone if you're pissed off at them and you haven't talked to him about it. You know, so like once my mind was cleared and I heard how he spoke to Howard and it was all great and he even said something about me in

Hollywood Reporter like a week ago like I'm you know I was his childhood hero so that's the shitty should have been saying on Marin just say it what's the big deal you know so so we watched him at Radio City and I'm going hysterical and he was being himself you know what I mean that's what I loved he like came back to his voice like you know when I'm talking about money on stage, you know, and I go, so I paid the guy in cash. But now you turn on a comedian and he's doing it exactly like, I'm going, what are you an impersonator? That would make me angry, you know, and I got every right to get angry at that. But when I see the guy come back to himself, because, you know, fame is a funny place when you start getting famous and you know about it now.

When all of a sudden, you can walk through them all and people fucking know you or, you know, you're in a movie theater and people, oh, can I get a picture with you? It's a funny place to be, you know. So everybody goes through different things when they become, you know, famous and how much fame. So I'm a guy that I think handled it pretty good because I never became reclusive. You know, I go by myself everywhere. I carry a pipe. You know what I mean? I don't need a team of security when I have a pipe.

You know what? People see the pipe wrapped around my wrist. They go, ah, maybe he doesn't want to take a picture right now. Maybe he had a fight with his chick right now. You know what? He just doesn't look like he's a picture-taking guy at this moment. He's got a two-foot pipe with a leather strap around his wrist. So, but I'm saying I always, people used to ask me,

you actually bring in your own cleaning and go to the gross? I go, yeah, why wouldn't I? Like I never understood that much. When you become reclusive, it's the worst fucking thing because you can't go back from that. You can't, you know, what are you going to reteach yourself, how to be amongst people? I want to sit at a coffee shop. I'm going to sit around all afraid like an asshole. I remember calling Howard Stern.

This is great. He, uh, we went house hunting in Long Island, which he regretted. People always regret hanging with me after one. they're always thrilled to meet me and then it gets to the point where they say things like I'm sorry I ever said hello to this guy you understand you know but the first time they meet you it's an honor

and then it gets bad you know then it's the four in the morning calls you know what are you doing what do you mean what am I doing I'm sleeping you know what would I be doing at 4.30 a.m. you know I got to get up in an hour for a shoot you know I go but you're up already you never finished telling me the story

about, like one time I called Daniel Baldwin, right? And I didn't know he's in New York. How to fuck do I know where he is? And it was five in the morning, you know? And I go, what are you doing? And he goes, dice, I got to get up in an hour. I go, yeah, but now you're up, you know, so you would tell me the story, how you met the red-headed girl.

And he goes, can't we do this another time? I go, but you're all right? you're not going to be able to go to sleep after we talked. You know, so we might as well bullshit a half hour. And then you could, he goes, I'm hanging the phone up, Dice. You know, you'll have to hear about the redhead and another, all right, that's up to you. But don't call me back. Once you can't sleep, don't call me back.

Can I hang up? Fuck you too. Never called them again. I mean, I've seen him since, but I won't call. If he wants to talk late at night, you got to call me. But it, but, but, so I go house hunting with Howard Stern. This is like around, you know, I wanted to live on the East Coast because I couldn't get my parents to move out here. So I wanted to be around family.

That was like, you know, it was overwhelming to do what I was doing. So he takes me house hunting in Long Island. He gets a real estate agent. And if, you know, and I'm always filming with the video camera. Why are you filming? I go, why not? Why can't I? What do you care?

Well, don't film me. me well why not you're who I'm with you know and then if we pull up to a house that I didn't like the outside the woman would get out and I go I'm not going in there you know you goes can't you just go in she made the appointment you know I don't like the outside so there's no reason to it's a waste of time I'm lying to her if I go in all right let me go tell her so he goes and we do the whole house hunting thing then at the end of the day he goes let's get something eat i go yeah let's go to a diner you know and he go oh no no he goes i got this great little italian place we go downstairs i go how it it's four in the afternoon i don't want

to go to a italian place i want to go to a diner and have a burger i go nobody's going to bother us and you got to understand this wasn't the how it's stern you know that became big throughout the whole country you know he was only big really you know probably new york philly you know he was building. So I get him to go to a diner, which is empty, by the way. Nobody there other than the waitress. And at the end, she asked for both their autographs.

It wasn't the cell phones. Where you've got to stand there now. And then they go, oh, it came out blurry. Go fuck yourself. I'm not taking another one. Okay? That's it. I'm leaving.

So it was just autographs. And then I called to him about an hour later. I went to King's Plaza Shopping Center in Brooklyn, where I had an apartment in Brooklyn, not even a house, in a brick building, okay? And I call them up,

I go, Howard, do you know where I am right now, recluse? I go, I'm in King's Plaza buying black jeans for Nassau Colisein. Nobody's bothering me.

Don't just stay in. Don't become reclusive. It's just not a good thing if you don't know how to walk out of your house by yourself. You know, I don't like,

guys like Axel are reclusive. It's like, and what good is any of it? You know, if you can't just go, you know, I just got to get out. I don't need a team with me. I don't need a bunch of people looking around, pulling up and fucking SUVs. I want a nice coffee.

I want a slurpy. You know, I don't need a team. I need my car. I need me and I need the pipe. That's it. Without a team that you're unnoticed. Without a team, you're unnoticed. You walk in.

People don't know. even know you're gonna see me in Vegas I'm all over the place people don't even know I throw on a baseball hat yeah people I have no idea you know I stand at a table I'm losing hundreds of thousands nobody even notices other than the casino beautiful you lost hundreds of thousands of course don't you no exactly look at the life I get the lead that's why I could lose a hundred grand get on stage you'd never you'd think I won a hundred grand wow yeah I've got the gambling end of my life was you know I quit now So I don't gamble now.

But yeah, I've gone, you know, I've lost a half a million at a clip. I've won a half a million at a clip in minutes. This isn't like... How much are you betting a hand? Well, when those kind of plays would happen, I'd be playing all six spots at like $10,000 a hand. Jeez. So let's say you just lost one hand. They're $60,000.

Yeah. You know, but let's say you get a winning hand, a couple blackjacks, a couple double downs. You're winning $100,000 in a minute. Oh. Yeah. But you don't play with what you don't have. You can't have fear when it comes to gambling because that's all it is is you're taking a chance.

So you've got to have brass balls and you've got to be willing to lose, not win, lose everything in front of you to win. That's the only way you do win. Because anybody playing scared is going to lose always in life at anything. You know, if you go on a stage and you don't open up, you're never going to make it.

you know if you're afraid of the crowd you're never going to make it you know there are rules of engagement with everything you know you know same thing we're banging bang into a fucking harder who gives a shit you know if she can't take this kind of bang she shouldn't be my chick right you know what i mean with everything you just do the best you could with everything that's how i look at life Andrew you're fucking beautiful What a philosophy. Now, if these people want to go, is there going to be a website for Mr. and Mrs. America?

It's on sale. It's on sale. You could call, you know, who are they? Live Nation. No, not Live Nation. Paramount Theater. The Paramount Theater. What are the cities that you're hitting?

And the Hard Rock. Atlantic City. There's going to be more on sale now because this is just, This is escalating quicker than I thought it was going to escalate. Absolutely. Roseanne ready to rock. Yeah, we were on the phone the other night all excited. She's complete, because she did a couple shows already, you know, this month, and just on her own just to get a feet wet.

And she got standing O's and, you know, she loves it. Like, we love it. You know, and she's always been a great, great comic. I was talking about how, you know, years ago, when people. People would heckle her. She's the first girl I ever saw look at somebody in the crowd and go, suck my fucking dick.

You know, and this is a woman. Yeah, we've had some fun times together. You know, she's great. That was one time I went gambling with Roseanne when I was doing the Dunes. Like, I could do the Dunes Comedy Store. Mitzi wouldn't even believe me until I would show her like the money or the chips.

In between, you know, I got $1,500 a week when I did the Comedy Store at the Dune's Hotel. This is before my career took off. You get 100 a set. You did 15 sets for the week. So in between sets, I go out when 20, 30,000.

I would take like 200 bucks and just parlay it and just win and go back to do my next show. And the comics would come to Mitzie because Nitzie didn't want to see that. She didn't want, you know, she wanted to gender her thumb.

That's how she was. That's just, you know, she loved being the mother or the comics, whatever. So she'd tell like, you know, whatever comic would run back to and go, Dice just won $30,000 in between. No, he didn't. No, he didn't.

I come back there, I go, Mitzie, what's this? Fake? I go, of course, why would I lie about when? I took $200. I'd just beat them. That's all. It's not a big deal. Common sense makes you win.

Stupid sense makes you lose. That's it. You're either on your game or off you game. And she'd go, how did you do? do that I go I don't even know I just know how to do it you know it was crazy shit one time with kennyson you're gonna love this because there was he always had a thing with me because you know he wasn't a sharp looking guy and I was that's the bottom line you know and it was always the two of us on late at night at the store and I loved the guy you know like I was thrilled when he

made it you know but he couldn't handle my success because I made his success looked like he was a club comic you know i'm doing two nights at the garden and he's you know it didn't matter anymore with him that's what happened so we're at the dunes hotel and he's already making it i'm not i'm doing a well i'm making it as an actor because i was doing the michael man show crime story so it was almost like a showdown in the middle of the casino And the one thing that's very real about me on stage and off is my confidence. It's just there. So we meet in the middle of the casino.

He's coming from the front door and he was dating Tamayo Atzuki at the time. And I'm with training. We've been dating like, I don't know, a year. So we meet in the middle of the casino. It's just this face off, you know. Yeah, he's like, how you doing this and that? You know, I'm going great. Just did a killer show.

win some money here you know because how do you know you're going to win i go i always win sam at anything i do i go i'll show you i swear god this is true trot if she was sitting here she'd go yeah it's exactly how it came down i go watch this trick and there's a slot machine right here let's say okay say take out 10 bucks i go watch this and i put the 10 in you know and i just play for the whole amount. A big machine, right? $10,000. Jesus. Right there and then. I go, that's what I'm talking about. I always fucking win. And he, I thought he might pass out because the look in his face was like, this isn't a movie, like a set up in a movie where a guy walks over, he puts him one, a dollar and wins,

you know, all this, $10,000. Just right there. With, you know, you know, But the bells going off and the money falling out. I go, it's who I am. You know? Dice, you're a fucking savage. I like that. I'm happy you took the fucking time. This is great.

I'll always do your show. I always have fun when I come here. I love it. I've been sitting here in awe, brother. And I'm happy that I followed your lead because here I am because of you, brother. Well, I'm, you know, I talk about you a lot because I'm really proud of what you're accomplishing, you know, and keep building on, you know, this started for you, like, about five years ago.

As far as you're building. Yeah. You know, you know, and I hear it all, you know, because Kate opens for me sometimes, so we'll talk about you. Eleanor, I see all the fun. Yeah, Eleanor. But Kate, I'll yell it when we're on the road. Like, it gets to the point that I'll go,

do you know anything about the history of comedy? You know, like, I'll get mad at how. I go, Joey about like I'll tell her like a part of my history that sounds like unreal I go just ask Joey all right because he knows it all he he's he's seen me do this shit what I go what do you think here's here's an example I'm playing some club in Arizona and when Eleanor can't do the gigs I have Kate to him and I don't want to I don't want to bring up money but she told me like what you charge at the door.

I go, really? I go, I think you should do more. You know what I mean? It's traveling across the country, whatever. She goes, what are you charged? I go, I don't know, at least 50. You know, I go, it's a club. So they need to make money to afford me.

You know, it's 300 seats, whatever the fuck it is. And she goes, oh, no, you're not charging that. So I go, and I don't even know what they're charging. So a little while later with the manager at a club I go and I'm with Kate and I go Can you tell me I go Because I only care like this is what I'm getting for the weekend I'm all good with it

Okay how much you're charging you know at the door He goes well um You know the golden circle 75 around the stage And then you know general admissions 55 You know And she goes no And the guy goes Yeah

It's dice. So I'll always say to her, because I know you're close with. I go, yes, Joey, who knows my whole history. You don't know anything. You're too busy just taking pictures. You know what I mean? You should learn who you're opening for. It might be good.

You know, so I yell at her about that stuff, but she's funny as fuck. I still remember going to see Ford fucking family in the movie theater and paying. So I know the fucking... But that's what I'm saying. See, she doesn't know. this stuff. She'll like bring up, do you know you were on CNN with the, I go

yeah, what, 90 million hits, something like that. You know, when I cursed out a guy on CNN for opening his mouth. Some newscasted up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't, it's not 90 million, but it's millions of hits

that that got and you never heard from that guy again. Oh, the one that you just stopped the interview. Yeah, when he goes, weren't you running a gym? This is CNN reporter. Yeah. I'm running a gym. Where the fuck you get your information?

And that was it, once I cursed. Now I'm going to destroy the guy. You know what I mean? But that's why, but I'll be honest with all the movies and all that, you know, that's all great. And, you know, I actually get bored on a movie set. I hate the waiting around. I can't take it. Like, I'd even come over to Bradley when we were doing The Starsborn.

That scene you were talking about with the sing people under the table, you know, Sinatra or whatever. and I went, you want to get out of here ready? You know, and he's looking at me, he go, what do you mean get out of here? We're filming a scene. Yeah, how much you're going to film? Looks to me like you got it. You know, what are you going to film the toaster now?

You got it. Get the fuck out of here. We'll go for coffee or something. You know, it's done. Like, you know, how much, you know, I know you knew with this shit, but like, how long you want to hang around here? You know, it gets really boring to me.

You know, so the live show. thing is, you know, it's nothing like it. It's just nothing like it. Clubs are the absolute greatest to perform in, but, you know, I'm going to go into these bigger places again because this is a bigger than life show,

so you have to. You know, as you're still doing it, brother. And I applaud you to death. Listen, if you want to get tickets for Dice and the Mr. and Mrs. America tour, they go on pre-sale them. No, they're on pre-sale. Tomorrow, tomorrow morning, they're going.

They go on fucking sale, open up at the Paramount Theater, the Hard Rock Cafe in Atlantic City, and there'll be more dates. Hard Rock Live. Hard Rock Live. If you need dates, if he tweets them, I'll retweet them for you.

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Both of your sons, band. No one cares. That's life. Kick it, Lee. I'll see you motherfuckers next week. Columbus is sold out, but I'll see you motherfuckers on the rec room, July 5th, and I'll see you in Charlotte at the comedy zone,

the 11th through the 13th. Kick this motherfucker, Mulee. Long ago to the world in between. Oh, that's last to die.