The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #697 - Agostino Zoida

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

Agostino Zoida, a stand up comedian and the host of the "Home Schooled" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Agostino will be headlining the House of Comedy in Minnesota July 5-7 2019. Get your tickets here: https://bit.ly/2RMWr0Q This podcast is brought to you by:   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH

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psychiatrist to suck my nuts at motherfuckers. We're going deep this motherfucking week. Kick it, Muley. Dedicated to all the fucking beautiful ladies out there. You filthy fucking animals. I love you. That's right.

Pleased to meet you. This is the first song, Harvey's going to play at the court here. He's just going to put this on, and they're just going to crack. He's going to have entrance music, like a U.S. He's going to have entrance music. On the church today's my little brother, DiAgostino Zoyto. What's happening, brother? Thank you for having me.

What's happening with you? I've just been thinking about you lately, and I've been watching. watching you and you got your first headline week this week and I wanted to celebrate it with you. Thank you. I'm very proud of you. I've known you for 10 years now. You were just getting hair on your dick when I met you. And look at you, your headlining, you were a big shot.

Now look at you all going out and doing the town and shit. But it's weird because you made me think a lot about comedy when you told me that you had gotten your first headline spot. I was like, I still remember my first feature spot. It was Labor Day, 1995. I was doing comedy four years. Was I ready? Fucking no. You know, I had featured bar shows

and headline bar shows, but you're not official to you're in a club. Like, you can talk all this shit you want. I got 92 minutes. That's great. Unless the punchline high, you ain't shit.

You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, little clubs are high you the headline, you're really not a headliner, but you're learning how to help. Totally. You know, but I still remember getting my first nod to feature. I think I was,

more excited to feature than the headline. Like, the feature, to me, was everything. Like, it was everything. Featuring is fun, man. It's the best job in the fucking planet. There's no pressure. No pressure. You're, right? Like, you're on stage.

I'm just sitting there eating dinner watching you. I don't have to worry about it. I did my 20 and I had a blast. You practice. That's all you're doing. As long as you know who you are before you go up on that stage, on what your purpose is to that show. As a feature act, it'll make your life a lot easier.

You know, there's a lot of comics that go up. One blow away the headline. No, you're not. You're going to make an asshole of it. You're just going to work dirtier and filthier. But to get that first feature spot, like, I stopped my life. Like, I was supposed to go back to Colorado and be your dad and be a fucking work at the sports betting service. They had already moved me up into an office with three guys.

And when John Fox was booking the Comedy Underground, that's the first club ever to really feature me. I'm lying to you. The first club to really feature me was Joey's in Dearborn, Michigan in Detroit. But it wasn't really, it was like a co-MC type deal. Like I was really an MC glorified. Like I got 20 minutes. It was a club that only did two-man shows. Yeah.

So I had already done time. And then he did feature me that summer. He featured me the summer of 94, but it was just a disaster. It was just a train wreck. Like, why they didn't boo me? Really? I was like on a bombing street. Like I was just on a bombing street.

How many nights? The weekend? The first time I featured at Joey's was Labor Day of 95. And I met Carol in Michigan. That's how I met the stripper girl that I'm in love with and stuff. And I was a feature that weekend, and it was just a disaster. I could be as honest I can with you. Really?

room and going I don't know if they're even going to let me like I was waiting for the call in my hotel room like it was that type of situation like I'm waiting for the call for them to fire me yeah well now they let me go up on Friday two shows I was like all right we're halfway there and then they let me go up on Saturday and then Sunday they paid me I was like are you fucking kidding me I fucking sucked you know it was $250 yeah you know the feature then it's the same money now but in Seattle like that was the reason why I made Seattle I was so happy about Seattle

because it was considered an A club it was really considered one of the top clubs in the country because of the contest so an A club is when you're really really really really a feature now I'm legitimized like now it's over now they can't stop me type deal and when I did the Seattle club

I was a little better I had improved a lot that summer just by living in Seattle and doubling my spots and being more comfortable on stage so but I said I got 250 bucks I'll never forget and they mailed your check took a month yeah took a month to get a check from John Fox a month for $250 and he'd give you an advance of $50 only on Thursday so you got a check for 200 everybody was paying $50 a spot to feature that it was fucking brutal why do you think it went bad you just weren't funny like you're saying it went awful

I just wasn't right listen I don't think I was ready but then I don't think anybody else is ready do you know what I'm saying when you get thrown up there the first time you're probably getting thrown up there because somebody didn't show up

it's not because of your own merit you're in a good position like you were there yeah you were there at the wrong place at the right time you want me to what how many how much time you got and in your mind your ego is like 20 I got a strong 20.

Okay, you got fucking eight. You know, you got eight, and you still got 12 more to go. But that's, as much as I don't like seeing that happen to comics, that's what needs to happen time to time to bring you. You need reality checks. You need reality checks to give you. If not, you just go up there and you do great every night.

You think it's that easy to be a comic. Dog, I've been doing comedy 28 years. I still get reality checks every once in a while. I get off the stage and go, I gotta have a long talk of myself I want to continue doing this shit That is unacceptable So I'm kind of

I'm interested because I know there's a lot of young comics Who listen to this and I'm I had a A situation happen this week and I don't know if I made the right decision And I've been asking people I got asked to do a bar show And they said Do you want a headline and do 30 to 45 And I'm nowhere near being a headliner

And I think to be honest If I did every joke I ever wrote I might have 25 might if I did every joke I ever wrote So my initial reaction was I said listen I don't mind going up last But I don't have 30 to 45 I have about 20 to 25 tops And she said fine I'm still doing it But I wasn't sure should I have just said

Yes I'll do it and try to do it Or is it better to say to be honest with people When they ask you do that time I'd rather be honest Yeah honesty has always worked for me Listen If you're opening up for Lewis CK I don't give a fuck if you like yourself on fire

They're not there to see you. Right. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. When those feature spots, you have to pay Louie so much that you got to save on the feature. Just use a bum feature, paying him 50 bucks to happen. The guy's just happy to be there.

Now he's got a credit. I opened up for Lewis C. Totally. Yeah. And they don't care. You know, let him go do 15 fucking minutes and shit like that. Me, for me, I'd rather be honest. You ever apply for a job that you fucking need.

It's got insurance and dental and benefits. And the guy asks you. Do you know how to do this? If you say I've done it before, you got a tricky situation there. I mean, listen, don't get me wrong. There's some shit that you can learn in two minutes. You don't need to be a fucking genius.

You know what I'm saying? There's some shit. Digging a trench. You know, there's just some shit that you don't need to be a genius. And you can pick up this. There's some jobs that you can't lie on. With comedy for me, I took a nap to that.

Yesterday, when I got back from Columbus, I took a nap. When I got up, for some reason, I just started thinking about my past. about being a thief and being a creepy guy and all that shit. And I thought about stand-up. I could look both of you guys in the eye. Like, I was a thief all my fucking life.

All my life, I couldn't be trusted. You couldn't leave a dime out in front of me, you know, that type of shit. I never stole the joke. Like when I got into comedy, I got into comedy to renew my life. You know, people say art is life. It really is. Art is life. You know, I met you 10 years ago.

What were you doing? You were working at the Ha ha ha. Yeah. You were a young kid. You know, I went down there. You took care of me. You really took care of me. I never forgot that in my life.

I wasn't doing spots at the store then. That's right. I remember that. You weren't going there. I was only coming to you on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. I call you at 10.30. Yeah. And you'd ask Helen, whatever a fucking name is.

Sometimes Mondays even. Monday. Every set the contest, I have you come close it. That's right. Monday nights I would go down there and fucking do time, 10, 15 minutes before Gabriel's thing. Yeah. That's where I get. got the material for gab what was it stand-up revolution you worked out with you and you took care

of me and you you know you got to see comedy from a different angle from the bottom floor yeah and that's why you're on the show tonight because of what you've done in the last nine fucking years you know uh you got divorced you got that albatross off your fucking neck and when you got married with you i was a little concerned i was like bro you're trying to do comedy why you're putting this weight back in your life but she's turned out to be a great point partner for you. She's very understanding. You know, a lot of women, in the beginning comedy is great. He's so funny.

Oh, my God. But I don't see Janet fucking bars with you, nothing, so you eliminated that. If Jen was at shows with you, like at the economy store, I'd have to pull you aside and say something to you. Yeah. You handle your business by yourself. And she gets it too, like, you know, I just got to go down there

and do my thing, you know, she totally gets it. You know, it's so weird. I love when people come to the economy store to see me, but I have friends that call me and go, can I write down with you? really don't like that. I'm to the point like, Lee, I don't mind. Because I can talk to Lee in the car. You know, Lee doesn't have to bother me.

Leo just look at the fucking window. Yeah, I used to go with you all the time. Yeah. I like it because I don't have to get a spot. I can just go with a paid regular. Yeah. And parking a lot. That is disgusting.

That is tremendous. That is really, really interesting. I told the chug about this on stage. This is great. Wait, do you smell this fucking? I don't smell it. All right. smell it this is gonna creep through your even if you had a congested fucking can't wait

carbor's gonna get you comer's gonna get like a my 600 pound life guy one day on a plane and you're gonna be stranded on the tarmac that's your car man that's fucking you cuck's no you fuck you i smell one of your little jew farts one time yeah i did one fart to get you back you're like it was hummus and god knows it was in that lizard meat i can never i fart all day and i get here and i have no farts you're your fucking problem you got to save your farts and condense them like i do I'm going to put them in the fucking back clip. Anyway.

Yeah. So why don't you like people to go down there with you? Because you're focusing. Yeah. You're focusing. You're driving. You're thinking of material to say, I don't even put the rocking radio on. On the way down, I don't listen to the radio.

It's all in my head. Just thinking about shit. I have an idea, you know, before I leave, I write some down, but it's not really. It's just a little roadmap to have in my head. The percentages of you doing better looking over your material, before you go on stage, you get a higher percentage of doing better. If you look over your material, everybody knows that's funny. I said something this Wednesday on the podcast.

It really made a lot of sense. And I got a lot of emails of it. I got a lot of calls about it. It was a very funny line. And I thought about what he said. He said that there's actually comics. There's comedians that actually think about what they're going to say before they go on stage, you know? And that's a confusing line for a lot of young comics.

They're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Irby always says to look over your material or have your set list, you know what I'm saying? And I thought about what he said. I talked to Rogan about it. Me and Rogan were laughing about that line. He's like, oh, my God, that was such because Mike, one-by-one podcast, put it on whatever. And it was just him talking about, you know, they look at their fucking iPhones, you know. They just have to think of, you know, you shouldn't think about it.

And it's really true. and it works me this weekend in Columbus don't think about it it should be organic I have a route I always make it as organic as I can when I go on stage because I have a route I'm going to take I just fuck it up on purpose

I fuck it up on purpose to make my dick get hard to make me excited because if I run the set the same way every night I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm not that type of comic so I have a route but I'm thinking about what he's Just be funny.

They don't give a fuck about jokes. Just go up there and be funny. And you know what? I wrote like five jokes this week. Because I kept it light in my mind. You weren't so kept to your script? Yeah. And that's always been the case.

Whenever I stick to my script, I eat a bag of dicks. That's all interesting. Eat a bag of dicks. Whenever I step to my script, I eat a bag of dicks. It's not organic. It's not organic. Yeah. I have a route.

Listen, I'm going to go to the comedy store tonight. I'm going to take the fucking Lauren. Canyon and hook a ride on Sunset and go to the Comedy Store, right? But I go up to fucking to Laurel Canyon and there's two Priuses that crash against each other. There's an electrical fire and I can't get through. What do you do? You hire a helicopter? No, you make a U-turn and you go down two blocks past the school.

What's a high school? The expensive one on Little Canyon would cost money to go, Denzel's kids. Oh, yeah, I don't know the name. It starts at the C or something like that. Right by the boxing place, right? Yeah. You get on the 101 South. Right.

Right or wrong? We can take an alternate exit. Uh-huh. So the same thing happens for your material. You know, if you go up there, and those first three fucking jokes that you brilliantly wrote don't work, talk about your day. Get away from that material and then slide back into it.

I just said this to someone about you the other day, is that you're never as dangerous as when you're not working on something. And what I mean by that is like, when you're working on something, you have something coming up. Like, you're very scripted. you personally. I've noticed that when you don't have anything coming up. No, that's the most dangerous. I don't want to, that's why I don't ever want to shoot a special again. Like with Netflix? Yeah. Don't ever want to

shoot a special. You got to, you're just like, I don't have anything to prepare for. You can just do whatever the fuck you want. Like, that's when you're at your best. Yeah. No, that's how I don't want to do a special. I don't want to be put in that box again. That's how it's how it's happened. I'm like fucking huge. Huge. I'm o and two with specials. Because I had to be confined to something in my mind. I confided myself. To be honestly nobody can find it me yeah i could blame whoever the fuck i want nobody can find it me i tried to become a stand-up comic and i forgot about who the fuck i was and i didn't realize

it till when i got on the plane back from Vegas after the netflix special i never used that material again that wasn't even my material yeah that was weird you didn't even do both shows you didn't do your material do you know what i'm like i've never really done that material again like it's just done like i i was so sick of feeling like that. I was so sick of feeling like a stand-up comic about to go on stage. You know, I had a friend years ago that went on Lederman, and I saw what they would put him through. Not Letteman The Tonight Show, what The Tonight Show would put him through. And I decided, like my fourth year of comedy, I don't want to be on Letterman on the Tonight Show.

Like, I knew it. I don't, even a couple months ago, they were looking for Edgier comics for the Tonight Show. They put Robert Kelly on, a bunch of people were making tapes. I didn't make a tape. I don't ever want to be in that position. Were your approach to? One guy asked me, you should make a tape. They're looking for edge your comics on Leno on whatever that is, the other show. I just didn't want to.

I just don't ever want to work in those restraints no more. I'm too old. I'm too old. I'm too set in my ways. I want to work the way I work in the original. If I don't work like that across the country, people shouldn't pay to come see me. That's the way they want to see me work at the store. no predetermined nothing

just go out there and be a fucking savage put my mind in my mind I'm on the corner with six of my buddies and we already smoked dope and we're about to go eat a fucking deli sandwich this is the shit we would do if I put myself there that's when I'm dangerous

that's when I'm dangerous once that leg goes back I'm the fucking quarterback from New England once his right leg goes back you're done don't let that right leg go back for more than three seconds that's a touchdown

Yeah. The more time you give Brady, you're done. Once he steps back, you're done. When you play Tom Brady, don't let him step back. You want to beat the New England Patriots? Don't let him step back. Beat him to that second leg and you'll beat the Patriots all the time. Nobody's figured that out.

Tough to do. Yeah. Tough to do. But that's the same thing with me. I realize that once that leg goes back, I got you. I feel comfortable. And for a while, I did edible. and I did Xanax to try to relax on stage,

none of that shit works. I don't want to be relaxed on stage. I want to be up there like an animal. When I get those anxiety panic attacks now, I just breathe through. Yeah. Fuck it. Fuck it.

Fuck it. I was just talking about this with a guest on my podcast recently. We're talking about not being under any influence when you're on stage. And a lot of people do it for the nerves before they go on stage. But to me, I've never been in the habit. I mean, you've known me a long time. I don't do anything before I go on stage.

There's nothing better than the feeling of just being on stage and nothing else substituting it. You know, I want to feel that moment. I like smoking pot and going on stage. I didn't like drinking and going on stage. Between you and I, I don't like when comics drink on stage. Yeah. I just don't like it.

When they have one up there with them. There's certain comics to the boozes. Yeah. I don't mind. They get away with you. You know what I'm saying? Bert is the real deal. Ron White.

Ron White. is the real deal. Yeah, he makes it look good. There's guys that go up there to drink to be cool. Yeah. I see right through that. He'd actually have a drink up there. And the audience sees right through that.

Yeah. You follow me? Yeah. So if I see right through it, they'll see right through it. You know, a lot of young comics bring a drink up. A lot of young comics. I've noticed that. Even at open mics.

Yeah. Don't bring a drink up. Don't bring a drink up. Why fed you with them? Bring a water. You're doing 40 minutes, 20 minutes. You're going to get thirsty. Yeah.

But to bring a drink up and shit. I don't like. I like when they bring a water when they're doing five. Yeah. And a towel. Yeah. How many years have you been doing comedy now? Ten.

But we had a conversation once that this was all you loved as a child. Yeah. Like you would know every fucking comedy album. You watch all the special. I still do. You make notes, the whole fucking thing. I just watched Gaffigan's new one today. How was it?

Very good. A little different than what he normally does, but still Gaffigan. Is it on Netflix? It's on Prime. You got Prime? Amazon Prime? Yeah, it's free on Prime. That's right.

Amazon is shooting specials now. Yeah, it's really good. You've always been a big student of the game. Like, you've always, I've noticed that about you. You've always been a big student like you. I enjoy it. If you play football, you'd watch a lot of film. You'd watch a lot of game film.

Yeah. You're one of those guys. And now to see that you're headlining, I mean, I'm happy for you. I'm genuinely happy for you. When I thought about booking this week, I go, oh, that's right. I saw it on Twitter the other that you're going to be on and whatever. And I go, you know what I want to celebrate and bring them on? Because I know, what do you think of your journey so far this 10 years?

I think it's just the beginning. I think that, you know, you get into little moments of like, man, this is so hard. And I just, I think I haven't seen anything yet. I think that it's just the beginning of, and now I'm starting a new chapter. And I'm going to go through the challenges of that. And I'm going to start hitting things of, you know, that's, That's one of the cool things about being a feature. As we said, there's no pressure.

And now you're going to start feeling the pressure of ticket sales. Before I could just show up. And if it didn't sell out, I'm like, ah, that's on the headliner. But for right now, don't worry about tickets. Yeah. For right now, for your next two years, just for three years, you're going to still feature a lot. And then this year, you're going to headline twice. Mm-hmm.

Next year, you'll headline five times. Next year, you're going to a club with me on Friday and Saturday, but you'll headline Thursday. Right. You know what I'm saying? And you'll get 22 people. Who cares? Yeah. Just learn how to headline.

That's something that I didn't know how to do. I didn't learn how to headline until I was adeline or five years in or something like that. That's when I actually put time into learning how to headline. Anybody could do 40 minutes. That's what we're lied to that.

Oh, you can just go up and do 40 minutes. No, it's not 40 minutes. It's got to be crafted. You have to know what to pull back, went to attack. They drop tabs. When they drop the check. That's a complete different world.

There's so many variables. You have to learn how to work around. And then after you suck 200 bags of dicks as a headline, like I did, you know, then you're real. Remember, I started out in 2005. Like, once I got the longest yard, that bumped me up automatically. So a bunch of A room was headlined me, so I was done with featuring. The only person I would feature for was Rogan. That was it.

You don't want me as a headline. I'm not working. That's the next decision, you made. You're three years from that decision when you go, you know what, I'm not featuring no more. How did you feel on to that? 2005 when they bumped up to headline because of the movie. Did you feel you were ready for it or did you feel that the movie kind of gave you that bump? I was cheated.

I cheated the national public. I moved up because of the movie. Right. I moved up because of the movie and the bigger the size of the role. I just bumped myself up. Bill Burr hooked me up with his booking agent and he started booking me as headline. Wow. And I saw, I have no shame in saying this.

I saw thousands of people walk out over those years. You know, thousands. Thousands. Yeah. I walked thousands of people. So they're going to go see the guy from the longest yard. Yeah. I don't know what your act is like.

Oh, my act is like. Especially then. When I was doing Coke and I was really unorthodox and 30% of my, you know, 25 minutes of my material was cocaine. So at first it was funny. But after you watch it on tape, like somebody taped me in Atlanta one time, I almost drew the fucking tape out. I started crying, you know. Since the drug. had taken all my mind my drug my induced of comedy was cocaine induced every joke

had something to do with cocaine and stuff like that I didn't know what I was doing I walked thousands of people because of they were offended or because you they were didn't like your material like they did it funny from 2005 2004 then it got to the point where I was going it on Thursday or Wednesday for Rogan and me and Ari would call that line and we get 22 people And there'd be one guy that go crazy over us. We love you more than Joe Rogan, that type of shit. Yeah, I'm not going to see him.

I'm going to come and see you guys, you know. There was that type of shit. But I say from 2006, from 2004 to 2011, I was just doing 45 minutes. That's it. I was just doing 45 minutes. People were walking out because the material was obnoxious. The material wasn't good. I was very R-rated

You know, I was just big and fat You know I was sweaty There'd be puddles under my chest It was just a gross Seen It was just a... When I snorted coke, I would sweat a lot

Like I would sweat just coming up here You would see me Right now I'd be sweating My body, I did so much blow Was set at a temperature That I was always sweating And you don't, you didn't do blow Before you performed

So it was always in the night before always from the night before or just whatever was it going on just come out yeah I don't sweat like that anymore on stage I did you know whatever I didn't uh in New Orleans was hot in the humid places I sweat but not like that but from 2004 to 2010 or 11 it was just a horror show and I got cleaned up from coke in 2007 and I started carrying a little more you know and then And when I thought about, because there was about two years, I thought about quit. From 2009 to 2011, I was ready to hang up to close.

Not because I was angry or nothing. I didn't think it was for me. I just didn't think it was for me. I didn't think I had the aptitude to become a headliner. I didn't want to put the time in anymore. I'd already done my time. I felt that I'd gotten what I was going to get from this town. Do you know what I'm saying?

So I was like, I'm doing. done. I'll just work. I'll wait to Greg Garcia calls me one of my other buddies and puts me in the TV show. I'll keep my insurance up. Wow. And I'll get a day job. That's what I was thinking about doing. You were going to stay in California though? Yeah, I was going to stay in the valley.

And then when I moved up here and I wasn't going to the store no more, I said, I have to do something with my life. So I made a promise to myself that I would drive. I didn't tell this to anybody. I would drive to the Irvine Improv. I'm Thursday nights or whenever a comic got in

and I would park in the back and I would go through the front and I would talk to a couple of door guys or whatever they knew who I was and if they were sold out I would sit at the comics table and I would watch the headline and I wouldn't say anything to the headline. I would just run out before the show in and get

my car and leave. Just watching the show? I just wanted to watch headliners and learn. I watched Ralphie for two nights and that was amazing. I mean I stayed around for him. He was my friend. I didn't do guest spots. I didn't ask him for guest spots. I just wanted to see

headliners. The guy that opened my eyes the most at that time was Greg Geraldo. Watching Greg that weekend. I think I went on Thursday, Wednesday, I went again on Sunday. And watching Greg really, really let me

know that I was fucking up as a headline. And I, you know, I went to see Burr. I went to see everybody. I went to see everybody. I went to see everybody. could you know a couple women i forget who i went to see eliza okay i went down there and saw eliza do 45 or 50 i didn't say nothing to anybody i wasn't allowed you know i wasn't going to the store i really wasn't doing a lot of comedy i would only open a furogen i would book a couple weekends on my own to make a few bucks during the week i'd book a couple one-nighters but i wasn't killing myself i

wasn't taking planes is what i'm trying to say but i basically went down there and watched how to hell and i was doing comedy. Fuck, 17 years at that point. 15 years or something. Wow. So looking back, like when you were you guys talking about, you jumped the line a little bit with the movie,

do you wish that you had said, no, let me feature a little bit more? No. No? You know, when I went to Alberto Crane for Jiu-Jitsu, I wasn't even close to being a blue belt. I'm still not.

I'm still a horrible bluebell. sometimes when you push somebody they see the they see it a little faster you know sometimes they see the the rainbow a little faster it was time for me to start headlining like it was time for me to start headlining I was in a state of limbo that's why I was thinking about quitting

because a lot of people didn't want me in front of them do you know what I'm saying? Like there wasn't I couldn't call an improv and go can you book me as a feature because the headliner would complain. The headliner, whoever it was, would say, I don't want to follow him all weekend. So I was at that point. So the only person who would follow me would be Rogan.

You know, yeah, I'd catch a couple off weeks, and I'd get into an argument with the headlining. You know, midweek. He doesn't like that I improvise. He doesn't like that I curse. Improvise? You can't do that? There was a comic I worked there. I've heard that before, too.

That told me not to improvise. Why? I heard guys, I've had guys time I don't do crowd work before me. I've heard crowd work but improvise. Same shit. Same shit. I thought I thought you'd just go off whatever he wanted to say. No, he won't, you know, and it was, it was rough.

Sometimes it's because they do crowdwork as their go-to when they don't want to do material. But the main thing is because you're at, you rattle up the audience. Yeah, totally. That's what happens. Now they feel like they can talk. Lee goes up and now lead people are going to talk to Lee. They broke the fourth wall, so to speak. right that's what happened that's why a lot of headlines don't like it unless you're really

really good at then they don't like it because you're really really really but no it's a 50-50 shot when you improvised they just didn't like it so i was i had to you know comedy central didn't like me so that wasn't gonna push me up i just needed a push i needed that push that nobody could give you it's just a push of comedy you're just waiting around there's a bunch of feature acts now they're just waiting for a home run that happen and they move up they're already like fucking blowing out be headliners like they go up on stage with a like a headliner like what i'm telling like when i was like 2007 2008 i would work clubs where those features are deadly they're unorthodox also those b room features are deadly

they're unorthodox they don't have a car they got a DUI they got out of jail for beating up their girlfriend those guys are deadly those guys are fueled off of cocaine and rage. You know, they're mad because the guys they started with didn't. They all made and they didn't. Yeah. You know, guys like that. So you really have to have your game up on top. But what's the, what was the lesson you took from,

how long did you work at the ha ha for? I think like five years. What was the lesson you learned out of the ha ha working at a comedy club in the beginning? Did you work there before you got on stage? You got on stage before you worked there? I got on stage before I worked there. Okay.

So I was a comic first. I definitely, I've learned many things. I learned a lot what not to do also. You learn things like you see comics do stuff and I see what pissed the owners off that the comics did. So I know how to be respectful when I go to a club. I think when you work at a comedy club, you have an upper hand when you start to go to comedy clubs. Because I hear the door guys at the store all the time complain that some comic walks past them and just goes like,

yo, I'm a comic, you know, and that's rude. and those are the guys are going to put you up on Mondays you know so I learned that when you because I worked the door you walk up and you go hey I'm Lee

nice to meet you I'm a comic what's your name cool man nice to meet you can I hang out for a little bit like you know what I mean I learned little things like that and then obviously

watching the comics did you ask a lot of headline of questions because when I worked at a comedy club I asked questions see I worked in a comedy club and I'd have the balls to get up on stage Yeah.

That was the final test to see if I wanted to do comedy. I'm very, you know, anal also. So I went to a comedy club and got a job for like nine months. I started as a dog guy, then I became a sound guy. And then I was the dog guy combination, sound guy, combination barback. Yeah. And they were running me ragged. But to me, it was an education because I got to ask questions.

That's all I did. I just asked the headliner, if I could get one question out of the headliner that made my job. You know, the 200 per week they paid me or whatever they paid me worth its while. I would ask road questions about booking. Are you ever scared? You know, the biggest fear is what you're about to go through right now. In the next three years, like I said, this year you'll headline twice. Next year you're headline four times.

But in the following year, if you do your work correctly, you'll headline 10 times. Now there comes a time that you have to quit your job. Like you have to, and that's one of the hardest things for account. that's one of the scariest things for anybody is going into the unknown, not knowing. Yeah. It's me saying to you listen, I need you on Wednesday. And you're like, I got a job. Well, you can't outline here. Yeah.

You're going to get three of those. And then you're going to have to make a decision. You're going to get three of those people. I need your Wednesday morning for press. And you're going to go, I got a day job. I can't be there until Friday. And then you're going to ask yourself, why did God put me on this planet? I'm fucking work in a fucking office. I want to do fucking comedy.

I want to do fucking comedy. So now you've got to decide what the fuck you want to do. That is the hardest decision for a human being. Never mind a comedian who's on that cusp. Because you have to make that cusp. Once you're making about a thousand a month off comedy, there's only one way to double that thousand to two thousand. That's by quitting your day job.

That's a very scary thing for a person. So that was very scary for me. Like I already had a wife. I already had a child. child and I'm like, I want to do comedy. And they're like, in the beginning, you're not going to make no money. When I took the course, when I took the stand-up comedy course for three weeks, the first week he spoke about money and how it wasn't important.

But he also gave us a chart of what they were paying you in comedy clubs in 1980 and what they were paying you in comedy clubs in 1990. And then people left the class. In 1980, an MC got $1,500 a week in a plane ticket. Wow. What? A feature at God. That's pretty good.

$2,500 a week in a plane thick. I'm like a headline. I got like $1,500. $2,500 a headline. It got like $5,000 a week. I've heard that before. Yeah. I've asked those questions.

There were people like the comic strip in El Paso. He wanted to be an aspiring comic. He couldn't make it as a comic. He didn't want to put the work in. I mean, he's a great guy, Bart. I'm not saying nothing bad about him. But Bart told me these stories that he would just come up to the comedy store with a notebook with a notebook with a calendar.

And as you got offstage, you go, Lee, come here. Here's a plane ticket. What are you doing October 12th or 16th? Nothing. You're in El Paso with me. Wow. Di Agostino, what are you doing? He would just give you a plane ticket.

In those days, MC's got plane tickets. So the boom was in 85 or something, then it crashed. When I got into it, people were saying, don't get into comedy. It's really bad now. Yeah. Don't get into it. It's the downtime. Don't get into it.

I just wanted to be happy. I didn't get into it because of that. or the stock market or the Dow was up. I got into it because I needed something to fill the voids in my life. I just needed something, you know. Yeah. Don't get into comedy right now, but by the time you were going to get paid anyway, it wasn't going to be nowhere near that era.

But I remember Jeff Harms, the guy I took the teacher, who I'm very grateful to today, but teaching that class for $33. Wow. $33. And then the last week you got to do it three minutes in front of him. And when I got on stage, she said, don't leave until I talk.

He goes, listen, man, you could do something with this. He goes, why don't you get a job? Because I was like, I don't know if I can do this shit. I got a wife and a kid. They go, so do I. So did Roseanne, because Roseanne had broke out that time. I started that Roseanne was breaking out of Denver, so Denver was the hotbed. All these comics were moving to Denver now, thinking that that was the hotbed.

I lived there, so I was just doing comedy there. But when I got into comedy, Roseanne was on fire. So everybody was trying to whatever the fuck, you know. That was 91? 91, July of 91. What did you take the class in Boulder? The University of Colorado in Boulder. I found it by mistake.

Huh. By mistake. I just wanted to be a comic. I didn't know where to start. And I looked in the paper and there it was. And I was like, fuck. So I took that class in like 90. And I didn't get on stage until 91.

Damn. I think I took that class. That's April of 90. Yeah, April of 90. It took me a year. What month in 91 did you get on stage? Do you remember? July.

July. July or June? I think it's June 18th or July 18th, one of those. It's July. Because it was football season. And the next day I had to do, I got on stage on a Tuesday, and a guy named Bill,

Bill Bauer, and another guy that committed suicide great guy in denver asked me to do the denver broncos training camping really so my second gig ever was doing five minutes in front of a bunch of rookies from the broncos and it didn't go well was that first one a mike or a show the first one was a comedy works on a tuesday i went to the comedy works and got on stage legitimately how'd you get on comedy works it's on an open mic yeah Tuesday. Oh, it was open mic.

Tuesday. Yeah. That's funny. I started on a Tuesday, too, because I started at the Hollywood Improv. That was my first time ever on stage because they have mics still every Tuesday. What were you doing with what? What would you work then?

Nothing. I was collecting unemployment. I got fired from my mall job. And I was like 20. And I just stopped working and I was collecting unemployment. I was like, you know what? I've always wanted to start stand-ups. This is a perfect time.

And I just went up there. How did you feel in the drive back to the improv? I felt incredible. I felt great. I mean, not because I did well, but because I just felt like this huge accomplishment. I was so blinded by my feeling of accomplishment that I thought I did well.

And then the second time I went on stage, I ate a bag of dicks. Like, I actually realized, oh, like, I'm not that good. You know, I love when comics happen when people say to me, hey, I want to get into comedy. What do I do first? I always say, get on stage.

Get on stage. Just get on stage. Don't sit there and write. I love when people go, I'm writing, I'm getting it together. I'm putting it together. You lost. I'm putting a set.

together that's what I did you know I for a year and a half was putting the set together I wasn't doing nothing yeah every time I'd open a notebook I'd cry like a little pussy yeah I would cry but the notebook would boo me like I would open up the notebook and they would go boo yeah yeah in the beginning and I would close it like it was a fucking horror show yeah you'd say fucking I'm not right yeah you just you know you're mentally scared you have fear yeah of not of not knowing what's I mean we all do. This isn't just the comedy.

If you were a fucking plumber, and tomorrow I promoted you the head plumber and gave you a new construction job, you wouldn't sleep that night. It's getting to fucking up. It's like anything else in life, you know? Yeah. It's fear. You know, it's like when your boss says to, hey, I got to go to court today for a fucking

shit. You've got to run the job today. You've got to lay this pipe, and you're like, you're not prepared to lay this shit by yourself. You're not prepared to hang the sheetrock by yourself. You're not prepared to hang these lights. But guess what? You do it. you do it you might drill a hole that's bad you might have to come back and spackling or you you did it off mark or three inches off or something but then you learn for the next time but you learn for

the next time and you just get better and better each time you do it i don't have a problem with a comic call on the club and going hi my name is johnny boombats i've been doing comedy for two years and i think i got 12 minutes and like to come down and let me see i don't have a problem with that at all. I have a problem with the guy that calls the club and lies. Yeah. Follow me? Yeah. I'd rather that guy go, how many minutes you got 12? You know what?

Let's try featuring you the first time. I won't give you a feature money. I'll give you MC Plus, and you just come and try it. You know, you're never going to know you can lift 300 pounds until you try to lift 300 pounds. So that's, you know, this is a... But don't lie and say I've lifted

it before. You know, don't fucking set up a showcase with Mitchie Shaw. when you're doing comedy two and a half years and go in there and expect it because that's why most comics don't do comedy where they're from. That's why 50% of comics when you go to them,

where you're from? They go Baltimore. You play that club in Baltimore, Magoobis? They'll go, no, that fucking guy's a scumbag. He hates me. Because you started that. He remembers you going up there doing dinosaur jokes

with a sign and a fucking three-piece of suit on. That's all he remembers. That's why I tell people be scared of where you go because that's the fucking first thing they're gonna remember about it. And that was the set you work so hard on. It's getting ready and I'll get on stage.

When you get on stage and you do it for the first time, that set, you're never going to say it again. And you work so hard to get it ready, it's a waste of time. It's ridiculous to hear that. I'm gonna get that set ready and then I'll start.

It's like, you're never going to say those jokes again. I'll lose weight to join Jiu-Jitsu. I just read that. Some guys like, hey, man, I got to lose 50 pounds before. And then I can start. Go in there. Put that heavy Ghi on,

and you sweat that 50 pounds off. Why are you going to lose the 50 pounds before you lose Jitsu? What are you going to make a fucking difference? Just go in there fat and fucking sweat it off. Put an extra t-shirt on, put an extra gear on, and fucking go for it.

Yeah. And then if you like it, you're going to want to lose the 50 pounds. It's just fear. It's natural human fear. We all have to have a little bit of fear to make this thing work. We're all scared of going into bigger positions.

It's all of us. Nobody's null and void of this. People tell you, I got it. No, you don't. When you're walking into that firm the next day and you're the fucking lead attorney on a case, you're going to feel it. I don't give a fuck what you tell me.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But everybody gets a chance. And either you go through that wall or you don't go through that wall. When was the first time you featured? Probably with you. Really?

I think so. Where at? I featured once at some bar with Greg Wilson, remember when I was really, really young. and I only did like, we were like late and they were like, well,

you guys are like an hour late and he can only do five and I just did five. But other than that, I think the first time was with you had to be at an improv. Because that's pretty much where I feature for you the most

in the beginning. There's a lot of improvs. Yeah. Was it hard for you to climb out of the open mic pit? You went from being an open mic mic to a feature, right? Oh, you haven't seen a lot of us. I have ced with you,

I think, a little bit too. I emcee with you a little bit before it featured. I didn't like emceeing, but, you know, everybody tells you that's what you got to do. You got to work a way up to feature. I didn't, I didn't emcee very often, very much. I think I went to feature pretty soon. I think working at a comic club had a lot to do with that. I learned pretty quick.

I got a lot of stage time. I had a lot of material. You got up every night when you worked at it? Not on the shows. I got up every single day at the open mic, and then during the week I get up every night. How can you describe me? your journey for people. What do you think so far for 10 years? Man

peaks and valleys, you know. It's so weird how when you're having a bad month or week that you feel like it's over. It's so weird. I don't know. I've done a bunch of things, jobs, my whole life and there's nothing else like that when you're having a bad week or month is you feel like

that's it. It's over. You're done. Everything else. You just feel like, ah, it's a bad week. But this really feels It feels horrible. I mean, but, I mean, it's a journey. You know, you constantly talking to yourself and going like, oh, what do you care about what that guy's doing? And you know it's wrong to look at other comics and compare it to yourself. But then there's a little person inside of you going, well, how come that fucking guy gets up every week at the store?

And I don't, you know what I mean? Like, you can't help it. There's just so much emotion. And thank God, we have so much podcast now. It's never been, I don't think it's ever been, I don't want to say, easier, but to start stand-up, an audience has never been more educated on stand-up because the podcast, like, you know what you're going into. There wasn't podcasts when I started.

No one was telling us this. Like, bro, there's going to be hard times. No one was saying that. You just went in. That first time I went up on stage, afterward, I asked the guy who was working at the improv, and I was like, so what next? Like, I remember saying that to him, so what do I do next? And he's like, what do you mean?

I'm like, how do I get on, uh, when I first started, juice was big. comedy juice was just blowing up and they improv had the posters comedy just all over the wall and i'd be like how do i get on that and the guy was like bro today was your first day give me a breather you know but i think of a lot of comics today they got podcasts like you know and and now i know how uh that's why i say this is just the beginning i'm sure i think that i've hit hard times but i don't think i've hit anything yet like it's just as much as they're going to be highs, there's going to be lows. So in the last 10 years, that's

I think I'm building thick skin and getting ready for it. You know, when you make the conscious decision to be a musician, when you make the conscious decision that you want to be an artist that you want to do stand-up, that you want to

do something that's not in the realm of everybody else. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, most people go to college, they come out, they graduate, they get a fucking job. and that's that's what they do and I'm fine with that you know I'm saying they become doctors lawyers whatever when you make the conscious decision to go you know what man I love music so much I'm gonna teach the guitar in the daytime all the bass all the drums to you know help my income

like instead of driving Uber yeah I get teach the guitar you know and teach the bass and eventually I'll get enough kids in there to cover my nut and then you do the band you know you do the band thing But once you make a decision, this is why I want people to know that a lot of people don't know, once you jump into music, art, I don't care, just not the daily grind, which I'm not saying is bad either. I'm not putting anybody down. What I'm trying to state is once you get into that world of arts, you know, when you go to prison and you come out, if you look deep enough, you could get a handicap sticker. When you go to prison, you come out and say you're disabled because you can't get a job because you're a felon.

and they'll disoble you and they'll give you 800 a month and they'll find you a fucking what do you call those section eight department and they'll do all that for you when we get on stage or we throw mud at that first picture or we play the guitar you become a different you go into a different category of human being I don't know if you know this you become a different category of a human being so what applies for different human beings doesn't apply for you that's why that girl sleeps in her car even though she's broke and she does comedy that's why kennyson and and and and carlo bow would walk from westwood to the comedy store and sunset and eat the fruit for the drinks you know what makes people do that you know what makes duff and four other guys live in the garage and do music normal people don't do that yeah if your mother comes over she'll go Lee, get up. What are you doing living in a fucking office with five guys, eating cereal and drinking fucking whiskey? That's what you're living off.

Because your dream is that you don't give a fuck. I gained 418 pounds. I didn't give a fuck about my health because my dream was, you don't become like normal people. You're not that normal no more. You become, you know, how many doctors are there? How many lawyers are there? How many stand-up comics are there?

Not too many. So there's something wrong with us, disqualifies us, or something wrong. So it pertains to normal human beings doesn't pertain to us. You know, people must look at us and go, you did what? You drove to Michigan for $250?

Who would do that? That's what happens when you become a guitar player, a drummer, a bass, you know, when I become an artist and us three have an art fucking exhibit in fucking Las Vegas. We're going to drive DiAgostian, those Prius. And you know what? One of us isn't going to have money for a hotel room, so one of us is sleeping on somebody's fucking floor. You wouldn't do that on any other conditions. Nobody would

pick a career where they're going to starve for 10 years. Because even a doctor when he graduates has a paid job, even a lawyer, when they graduate law school, when they pass the bar, they get, you know, whatever, 80,000 a year to start depending on what market you're with. When you become an artist, you become a different type of human being. The regular rules don't apply to you. That's the hardest part for me. Like, from the, from school to any job I had, you always said, what's next. You always kind of know what's next. You're like, okay, I'm going to go, I'm going, this is the promotion I get, and then I do that job, or someone will tell me when I'm going to the next grade, or someone will tell me when I'm getting a blue belt. No, no one's going to

tell me, and that's why I get anxiety about, like, did I do the right thing with this gig? Because should I have done this? Should I have taken that gig? Should I have, like, it's, that's the hard part for me is, is the anxiety that I get when no one's telling you what to do. You have to make every decision for your, every decision for yourself. And it's completely different than, than you're doing, and then the Agostino did, and that's the craziest. Why do you think I tell you every Monday to call John Rizzo and Johnny Rock? You think I don't like you no I know be don't even call him no more you can't call him no more because he can't do nothing for you and I don't want you to feel bad I had a problem when I

was 19 and 20 and 21 I had a big problem the kids I hung out with all came from money their families had money so I was always felt I was always made to feel like a fucking bumpy somebody always had to pick up my dinner you know what they spent in the night I made in the week yeah Do you know what I'm saying? Like what they spent on coke and drinking on a night? And I tried to catch up with them. I tried to keep up with them.

And I'd always have to steal and do this and do that and do that. The same thing as with comedy. Okay. If you hang out with Rogan and Dave Chappelle and you hear them talk all day, you're going to feel bad about yourself. Yeah. You're going to feel bad about yourself. If you hear DiAgostino and.

Steve Simone talk all day. They're your friends. They love you. But you're going to feel weird about them. They talk about managers. They talk about agents. They talk about auditions. They talk about showcasing for Montreal.

They talk about things that... So right away, it makes your psyche want to speed up the process. It makes your psyche make you feel so bad. I got to get there. This is why I tell you, every Monday. Call Johnny Rock. Call Rizzo. Get the fuck.

fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of Hollywood. Get the fuck out of Hollywood with these kids with the fucking headshots. Go to the Mexican bars. Learn how to do comedy. Learn how to go down there and for them and for you to go, I'm hearing them to go, there's a

Dodger game on. Go have a margarine and wait for the Dodger game to finish. You know, this is why I tell you to get a dose of realism. To get a dose of realism. Because every open mic in L.A., whether he tells you or They'll all tell you the same shit.

I don't want to be rich or famous. I don't want to be in. Why are you doing this? Why are you at Barney's Beatery? You know, why are you sleeping and you fucking, you follow me? Yeah. So it always puts that pressure on you. I don't ever want you to hang out with people that you can't.

They can't, you get lost in the, what's that movie that came out, lost in the. Translation. You get lost in translation. They're not trying to be scumbags to you. You know, it's like when you're 10th and you want to hang out with your 18-year-old brother, he's getting his dick sucked. He's going to clubs. You can't go.

You can't go. You're not allowed. What do you want me to tell you? I want to go. I want to be like you. Yeah, I know. But you can't go. They don't let you.

That's why I tell you. Because you're not around old guys. You're around kids your age that are all looking for the same thing and you understand each other. I don't understand you right now. And you don't understand me. And DiAgostino, when I talk from time, he don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.

Because we're all at different levels of comedy. Nothing wrong with me, DiAgostino being friends, and you and I being friends. It's when you're around me and fucking Tom Segoor all day. How bad are you going to feel? It's just natural. I learned from being a kid. I hung out with people who their families had money.

And here I am trying to run with them. Now, give them a drink. I'd buy around the drink. I'd be broke. $30, I'm buying. broke. Damn. They're buying

10 rounds of fucking night plus blow plus dinner at the diner afterward. So it's the same thing

applies. I got stuck in a phase at one point and I caught myself doing it of giving a shit more

about what my peers thought than what the audience thought. It's like like the audience at the show? Yeah.

Like you got into comedy to be an artist at a B you're a performing artist to give you my show on stage

and you want to be the best at it. At one point you get caught up with hearing guys and how well they're doing and then it becomes about not being an artist anymore it becomes about I want to be as good as these guys

and then you start focusing on your peers too much and then I went into that little phase where when I was on stage and Joey was in the room I wasn't worried about making the people laugh I was worried about Joey being in the room and then all of a sudden I caught myself doing it and I'm like I gotta stop doing that

stop thinking about what he thinks and what he thinks and what he thinks I got to do my performance on the stage and if they laugh then whoever else in the back of the room is watching could go fuck themselves they laugh nothing bothers me more nothing you have no idea how much it bothers me

when I'm about to go on stage and the comic goes you're going on stage come out and go in there and watch do me a favor don't don't I'd rather you not be in the fucking room because now I'm worried about a comic.

Hey, don't, 28 years. Still the same thing. Yeah. There's certain comics, I freeze up in front of it. Freeze up in front of it. I know the feeling. Because I know they're critiquing me. They're watching me, my every move

when they're saying something to me. This is how far back I've been opening for you. I opened for you once in Ontario Improv. And you didn't even sit in the green room because it wasn't sold out. That's how long I've known you. When you weren't sent out to Ontario, You were sitting in the booth in the way back of the room over there watching the show.

And I felt nervous as fuck that you were sitting there watching the entire show. That's how long I've known you. Now you can't sit back there that fucking sells out. You know what I mean? And he was just there watching. I'm like, fuck, why is he sitting there watching? It used to fuck with me. And then on the drive home, I think I drove with you that time.

On the drive home, you went like, you know, you're a very good writer. And I was like, oh, you know, it made me feel good. But then again, I don't want to get caught up thinking about what other comics think about me. What about, do you guys, I mean, and obviously you want to do well, but I had an issue where you were saying when you go through bad periods. The first four to five months of this year, I wasn't happy with what I was doing. And I felt the issue for me was, is I started to get some cool shows. Like I started to do some shows. And so I was constantly working on the stuff that I knew worked.

And for whatever reason, I felt like everything I was writing didn't work. And I was always trying to do very, like, I was always trying to do. too well, I think, on stage. I didn't want to take a chance. Well, I got bad news for you. That's going to come and go. You know, like right now, you're going to think I'm doing good, and you'll go back and look at last week's video,

and you'll be like, I can't believe that was me. I'm better now. Oh, my God. But next year, you're going to look at you right now and think that you're shit now. Oh, yeah. No, I'm, but it's, it was hard for me to make that transition to be like, I can, I have to write new stuff. You know, it got stuck in my mouth for the microphone.

Sorry, Lee. No, it's okay. But it's just, it's how long to take you guys to get over that to, I want to do amazing every set? I mean, you always want to do amazing every set. Nobody's paying to go see you. I know. Think about people paying to go see you. That's even more anxiety.

Think about when somebody goes to see you, they had to get a babysitter, they had to pay $30 for tickets, they went to dinner, and they're coming to see you. Dude, I'm just surprised that you can remember a full hour of material. Not you in general. Just people can remember a full hour. That's what you get on stage every night for. Jesus. I didn't say that to put you down. No, no, I didn't.

See you. I know. I understand. Everybody wants to do good. Listen, whether you play baseball, the harmonica, the flute, you suck dick, you take it in the ass. You want to do good at what you do. You always want to do good at what you do.

But you also have to remember it's a process and you're learning. And that's what people forget. They get caught up somewhere for a short period of time. Don't get happened to me. It happens to everybody. Nobody fucking gets Nobody falls out of this. You get caught up in this shit and you forget the end Listen about three weeks ago I got off the plane from New York feeling good about myself about being in the movie And I went on Facebook and somebody found a funny is funny said of me did you see it when I had a red shirt with a I don't even know what that is funny is funny is funny it was a show they taped at the

improv in 98. I watched three minutes of that set and I wanted a headbutt the fucking computer screen. It was, and guys, here's the scary thing. This is, I'm not ashamed to say this. I was already in L.A.

And that was fucking god awful. God awful. We already passed at the store? Passed at the store. Doing spots at the store. You know, fucking fight, banging it out, people burying me, bombing. and I watched that tape

and I felt bad for myself. Like I was like, if I would watch that for real, like when it came out, I would have probably quit. Like that ad on TV, on Telemundo or something, I don't know where to fucking add.

And I'm sure people threw socks at that fucking thing. Hey, listen, man, that's what this is all about. It's about growing. You know, you look at, it's a couple months ago. I'd listen to,

I got all the CDs I taped on my iPod on the plane. I put one of them on. I almost had a fucking heart attack. If I could have jumped out of the plane without a parachute, that would. You know, that's natural. We all want to do better, you know, but you also have to see where you're at.

You also have to see where your material is at. And you also have to know that even Dave Chappelle bombs. Even Dave Chappelle bombs. He doesn't bomb as much as we do because people pay $80 to see him and they're not going to tell people that he ain't a bag of dog did.

Do you follow me? Dave Chappelle could go into a stage right now, charge you guys $100 a ticket, and do a whole hour of workout material, and make you laugh 10 times. You're not going to tell your friends he sucked. Yeah, because then you look like you got beat. You look like you got beat.

So always remember that, that we could, you know, everybody bombs. Everybody bombed. You know, I still remember being at the store and Chris Rock getting a standing ovation on the way up. He's not going to bomb. Right. He's not going to bomb.

If he says, boo, they're going to laugh just out of impulse. You know, your mind is trained. That's why I always tell me. You said something interesting to me the other day, that you're having a hard time with bar shows. Big difference. You know, Dice said that the other day about Dice. Tonight, somebody wrote some stupid shit on Facebook

that they didn't like the podcast that he was on and he was dushy. And I'm like, listen, bro, I don't put nobody on that I don't love. And I judge him by what's in their heart. dice when it comes to stand-up comedy he's like Einstein 40 years old he's like Einstein he will tell you things that your head will fucking blow up he will tell you the psychology you know who also is good at that ralphi may ralphi may was very good at the psychology of the audience something that you don't need to think of for 10 years but the psychology of the audience is basically when you go to a comedy club you're predetermined to laugh

We're going to a comedy club. Oh, my God. We're going to see my favorite comic, Chris Delea. Yeah. We're going to a comedy club. When you go to a bar to do drugs on a Tuesday and Montbello, and Joe Diaz is on stage doing pussy jokes, totally different set of mind.

Yeah. Totally different. You're going into battleground instead of... So the psyche of the person going to watch comedy is also very different. He's going to a fucking... He's going to watch a Dodger game at the local pub. And he gets there, and he hears that. and he hears chitter chatter from the back

there's 20 people in the back and there's these fucking jerk off comedians in the back. But three weeks he's just going to look back there and go fucking assholes. And one day he's going to actually go back there. Because maybe Ali Wong is back there and he saw Ali Wong on the teeth. You know what I'm saying?

So you have to win people over. So the psyche of the person going to watch comedy, when you go into these places to do comedy, I don't want you to think about it as a young comic. And I'm talking a young comic up to seven years 10 years you don't have to think about the psyche of the audience just think about going up there getting your footing under you and making people laugh

as best as you can that's it making people laugh as best as you can I said it best the other way stop thinking stop thinking about it there's nothing to think about thinking always gets you in trouble especially as a man think about when you go home at night you're tired you fucking dug a trench you killed your wife you work 10 hours you fuck 20 women you're tired you go home and all of a thing you think or something and now you're wide awake. Only a thought could keep you wide awake. That fucking sugar

or met. Thinking is the worst thing in the fucking world for you. What are you thinking about? What is it they think about? Everything. Go down there and do 15 minutes and shut your mouth. Just be funny. Don't think about tomorrow. What do you have to worry about tomorrow?

Or what they're going to think about? Every time and I'm telling you from experience, every time I've thought, it gets you in trouble. What are you thinking about? All you need is tonight. What are you doing tonight? I'm working on this new bit about dogs getting hit by cars. Ah, you lost.

Just go down there and be organic. Just go down there and do the fucking job. You know, one thing I got a hand about you, Diagostino, 10 years, you just put your head down. You're taking shit from all angles, you know, here, there, and it doesn't matter. One thing that really got to me last year was that fucking jerk off with the comedy store.

If you go into the comedy store and Mitsy sure hates you and throws you out, do you think you're done with comedy? No. You're just not going to work the store. You could still end up being Louis C.K. or Dave Chappelle. If the improv throws you out, you could still be Louis Cicay or Dave Chappelle

if the laugh factory throws you out. If the Funny Bone throws you out and ban you from the Funny Bone chain, you could still be Louis C.K. or Dave Chappelle. If the Improves throw you out, you can still... There's no excuses if you really want it. If you really want it, There's no excuses. You know.

Look at Louisie K. Got fired from every network he was at business with. It hasn't even stopped him. Like he found a way to still get on stage and work out when nobody wants. I don't. When it comes to comics, I'll tell you who's doing the work and who's not. I'll tell you because I've been there. I know what it is to do the work.

I know what it is to do the work. And then there's a difference between doing the work and working smarter. So for my first three years, I did the work. Once I saw Legu Zamor and I went back to Colorado, I started working smarter. And that's when you start improving in leaps and bounds. That's where the improvement comes. Every 90 days, you're like, wow, I got new five minutes.

I, you know, I fucking did this. I tried a new joke in the middle of my set. I opened up with my closer. Wait until you start forcing yourself to do that? Open up with your closer and take whatever's coming to you like a man. I've done that for years. On those triple runs, open up with your closer, and take what's coming to you.

Take the beating. It's like sitting down and somebody's smacking you with a glove. They don't really smack you with their hand. They just backhand you like the French. Yeah. That's what those are. For an hour. Open up with your closer and take a chance

and see where you end up. Those are my favorite fucking spots. That's where you, that's what I miss about Denver. There you go. Disgusting. I'm not going to smell any of this. I'm not going to throw the turbos in your face. It's going into your clothes.

Yes, you know, I'll give you a thousand dollars. You can throw that a turamisu in his face right now. Smell that. No. Take a whiff. Take a whiff of that out of him. You're disgusting. You're breathing it already.

It's already going into your lungs. What's a difference? Yeah, that's probably why I got asthma. Yeah. You got that DNA. Yeah. He had bronchitis. Now he's got asthma.

The bronchitis. My mother said I got bronchitis. No, the dog is the dog is asthma. You got nothing. You got lungs made for a 120 and you're walking around at 280 And your lungs are like little peanuts and you can't breathe The same problem I got

I'm a fat fuck, my lungs are made for somebody 190 and I'm 300 pounds Should you're gonna breathe heavy Your lungs are the size of your little head Think every time you walk up the stairs And you take a shit what happens to your lungs No, I'm not part of it, yeah That's why I ask you to stretch out your lungs and smoke more reefer No, the decline the offer

And now you're like a half a five Yeah, I gotta have a half a leg Yeah, I got asthma. Two weeks ago was bronchitis. Remember when he was getting bronchitis every 90 days? No, I wasn't. I only got it once a year. No, you didn't.

I never got it before I started smoking weed. No, no, I know. You never got it. You were tip-top, McGoo. You were a ball of health. Said L.A. Smogley. A ball of health. Get the fuck out of you.

Let me ask you something. What little things would you say that you picked up from sitting in the back of the improv is watching headliners that you remember that you specifically went like, okay, that's the difference that a headliders doing. What did you look at you? learn confidence I learned not that I use it but I learned how they structure their jokes I always wanted to do callbacks and that's what I got I worked on callbacks a lot more you know and I just learned how to be a headliner you know a headliner is 45 minutes it's 3 15 minute pieces there's a beginning

a middle and an ending, just like a book. You know, I was going up there and pulling a Rodney for 45 minutes, okay, which I still kind of do. Which is? Open lines, open clothes, no nothing, open clothes, all dirty.

There wasn't a beginning, a middle, or an ending. Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an ending. And that's what I got out of it. And that was at the, 15 year mark. I'm doing comedy, what, 20-something years? So this had to be 2009, 2010. 18-year mark.

Right before I met you was when I met you, I had just finished that little tour of headliners. And I was still on the fence about quitting. I was still very much on the fence about getting a day job, doing little spots here and there and just opening up a rogue. And I was very content. I was doing San Jose. You know, everybody was taking care of me.

Irvine was taking care of me. I had my room in Brea. Yeah, I remember that. That was fun. The room of Brea every month. I had the dirty show in Brea. So I had things going on. I just didn't know.

And that's what I'm saying. When you pick this life, you never know what's going to come from day to day. So stop guessing and stop trying to guess. Stop guessing and stop trying to guess. This is every day something different. Just like I watch you and I'm very proud. I'm looking at you eye and telling you this because you did the work, you know.

You did the work. I watched you do the work regardless of what people are doing. Just do a little piece and you got your day job, you know what I'm saying, to keep you together. But now that you're going to start the headline, now in two or three years, that day job has to go away. Yeah. It's like the flying wallenders. You've got to pull the net away. You could have a net from Steve Simone and I would talk.

about how many guys we saw that didn't make it in this time because they kept their fucking day jumps i could personally name three people who would have had careers today if they were to quit their day jumps what's a career a career is making six figures a year maybe shooting the tv show and maybe a stand-up thing for comedy central that's a career where i come from yeah doing what you love getting six figures and that's a career you know what i'm saying uh But they never quit their day job. You're telling your mind that you don't have enough confidence in what you're doing up there.

I mean, even Rodney. Rodney did it, and then he had to go back to work for a few years. If you know Rodney's story, but those two years, he kept writing. And he stacked those fucking notebooks up at work. So when he came back, he had 22 hours of material. So every time he had a special or some spot on TV,

he showed up with an extra six minutes people thought he was a genius no he just never stopped writing just because he didn't perform he kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept putting all those one-liners away just tucking them away in a notebook so he had a day job yeah day job selling aluminum sighting he had a day job he went back to a day job and then he fucking quit that read the wikipedia read his web page tonight it's really interesting. Okay.

I want you to, you have to give yourself that confidence. You tell, if you, if you keep your day job, you're telling me you don't have the confidence in your stand-up to take it to that level. You know,

like I said, I didn't get in this to be Kevin Hart or Louis C.K. But I'm pretty happy now that we ended up where we did. I didn't get in this to be on TV. I didn't think I could book a headshot when I got here.

honest to God guys honest to God I swear to mercy that I never thought I thought I'd be an extra I thought I'd be an extra so this is just one of these fucking you know and like I said in the beginning life is art

same thing life is art you're gonna have struggles people gonna come and go you know when you have a day job right this three weeks you don't sell no insurance you quit no you're going through a cold spell, bro. Maybe you're not reading the pitch right. Maybe you're going off the pitch and you're not

asking them to buy. Maybe you're talking too much instead of focusing on the clothes. Everything has an answer. You know, I think I've had discussions with both these that I've been on a bombing streak. You know, there's times I go on a bombing streak and what do? You quit? No. It's like when you're a baseball player and you go all for 15. They don't bench you. They know. They know. that eventually you're going to get your eye back. Yeah, it's so weird. That's a crazy one of me. It's that baseball, you're like an all-store

if you fail seven out of ten times. 300 is the best you can hope for in handy. If I bombed seven out of ten times, I don't know if I'd be a gum. Yeah, you would. Really? Because maybe those three times you got standing ovations

and somebody died in the audience. You know what I'm saying? Man, last time I went to a Lisa ad show, I got a diabetic seizure and the guy next to me just died of a heart attack. That'd be pretty exciting. Last time I went to see him, he bombed. Yeah, but last time I went to see him, he killed the motherfucker.

Also, don't you enjoy what you're doing regardless of you, like, would you just quit if you had seven bombs in a row? Don't you like being a comic? Like, you didn't do it to be the best in the world. You did it because you enjoy it. Like, I enjoy going on stage, trying something. I don't know what's going to happen.

and seeing why it didn't work and then fixing it up and put it back I enjoy it I enjoy the fail it's like part of it it's like it's fun that's the job to be I'm still at a place now where I used to get upset with myself if I bombed it an open mic which isn't even really a thing

but I don't know if I'd quit if I bombed seven times in a row but it it takes it out of me when I get upset with myself and then also and who knows, maybe it's just the further along you make more concessions, I don't know if I'd be living in a car. Like, I don't know

if I love stand-up enough. Like, when I see people doing them, I'm like, that's a different level of commitment. I'd be like, okay, well, it's time to get a job and do it a little bit at night. Like, that's a different level that, to be honest, I don't know if I have. We'll still find out.

You know, this is what this is. This is, I had nothing else when I got to comedy, so I had nothing else to love. I had nothing else to love. I had tried to love a thousand things. And nobody loved me back. You know what I'm saying? Nobody loved me back. And I'm not saying that people love me when I do comedy.

People still fucking hate me. You don't see my pictures of improv. You don't see nothing. I'm not even considered a fucking stand-up. I really don't give a fuck. I still remember bombing two weeks. weeks on a row on a triple run and getting bad reports every night like you know you get into a club and them going you know there's a Mormon audience they don't want to hear cursing I didn't know how to

adjust my set in those days I was doing stand-up four or five years the material I had I had what are you telling me I can't do my material I'd bomb and I never thought to quit because I knew that I had to go through this I knew that I had to go through this you know when you walk into a boxing gym you're not to be the best boxer in that place the first fucking year the first year you're going to get beat up every fucking time you go to spar once a week you're going to get beat up but after the first year you're going to start throwing a couple jabs and connecting then after two years your combos would be connecting you know what I'm saying then after three years uh one of the guys in the gym is fucking doing an amateur fight and you get there and they scratch him because he's overweight but

you made weight so you get in there without even prepare him and you win now what now your life changes now I won what you know I'm saying this is what the beauty is about life life life is art art mimics life life mimics art you know even if you work at a bank whether you're an investment bank or whatever you got ups and downs bro life ain't fucking easy you know think of the person today that has two kids think of a fucking family that has two kids and both parents have to work and they still put shit on their credit card you know every time I go to a dodger game the first thing I think about How lucky am I that I can take my wife my uncle my daughter to a baseball game

This family's a four they can't afford a fucking and they both work hard anything those people feel Both parents work and they can't afford a fucking dodge game because if they got a flat tire during the week That goes their fucking month that goes their month the tires what seventy dollars thirty dollars yeah dollars you know I'm saying That's how hard they work so life is art you're gonna have a hard time with everything you fucking do Whether it's making posters whether it whatever Pick what you love. It's all going to suck. Yeah. So you might as well pick what you love.

If I'm, I hate it work. Listen, let's get it on the, I hate it going to work. I hate it. Hate it. I hate it. I'll take the job. Oh, yeah, I'll take it for three weeks. And then on Thursday when that person says, no, I don't want to buy them to hang up on you. And you're like, God damn it, I've only made $2.80 this week. What the fuck? I can make $280 in one night something. on Coke. I would quit. I never gave it a chance. This is the only thing I didn't quit. Yeah. Was it hard for you to start asking for money for stand-up? Or that wasn't an issue? When I got into stand-up, I knew there was no money. Right. No, I understand that. I asked questions. So everybody that told me, I put it in my mind that the first 10 years, I'm not making a dime. I had it already said that for 10 years, I'm not making any money. I don't want to make no money. I

I don't even want to think about it. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to, because money is what ruins you with comedy. Money is what ruins comedy. I want you to fall in love with comedy before you start fucking with the money aspect of it. Because if you really love comedy, the money won't mean none to you. You're just happy that you're doing it. What?

They're paying me what? 20 and all the sushi I could eat. An open bar. Hell yeah. In a hotel room. I'm going. Right. I'm going. And if you don't do it, somebody else will.

And you lose the stage time. Yeah. You know, there was a lady in Seattle, Laura Crocker. God rest of the soul, she's dead. Fuck her. But she was a booker when I was up there, and she managed Josh Wolf. She didn't like me. She didn't like me.

She booked all these rooms, and she didn't like me. But I didn't like her either. So I would call her up every Wednesday and go, can I do a showcase? She had like 22 rooms. I would call every week and say, can I do a showcase there? And there was nothing she could say to me. She'd go, yeah, you could do it. I wasn't getting paid.

I was better than all three comics that she had paid. I was better than the headline of the feature and the MC she paid. I didn't let it bother me. I looked at it as a spot. I looked at it as a spot. I don't have to go to the fuck on the fourth wall and pay them five dollars. It's a spot. I didn't care that she didn't pay me.

I didn't give a Frenchman's fuck. Guess what? When I got into the fucking story, store as a regular that night, in my mind, I thanked her for being a cunt to me and for making me fight that hard to do those guest spots every week. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So if you get into comedy, this is why so many people get into podcasting and quit and so many people get into comedy and quit because they think this is abundance of money. Listen, guys, if you're getting into a podcast today to make money, you got a better chance of Uber. You got a better chance of Uber. You

You do a podcast because you want to do it from your heart. You enjoy getting your message out there. The same thing with stand-up. When you get into stand-up, I've seen all. I've seen all the guys that were concerned with money. All of them. So wait a second. You do the comedy story night for $15?

You're a sap. I did the home brewery last week for $50. Great. Yeah. Do it for $50. What are you on for me? You made $35 more than me. But you do that one gig once every three months.

Good for you. Good for you. And when you're in town, we don't see you. I didn't worry about money. And I had child support. I had a cocaine problem. I had rent. I had a thousand things.

I didn't worry about money. The money will come. If God wants me to have the money on the 29th of the month, I'll get a call saying, go to the Ha ha, pick up 500. You're opening up for Mines Gibranah this weekend. And if you put the work in, if you put the work into whatever career you're in love with,

I guarantee, like, right now, with your situation. Okay. In about a year or two, you're going to have to quit to start headlining. If you go out every night,

write every day, and believe in what you're doing, I guarantee you, as a man, that you will make your nut every month. I will make that promise to anybody who listens to that podcast. If you go into something blind

that you really love, and you really put the work into it, every day, Every day, nine to ten at night, I guarantee you'll make your nut, whether it's $1,500 a month or $4,000 a month. You know how I know? Because I've been there,

and that's when I was doing blow. That's before I was doing, do you understand me? That's what I really had problems. That's when I was snorting $300 a week. Remember, my drug bill a month used to be $2,000 a month. Damn. And I was making $15 spots.

So don't come to me with none of your fucking stories. But I knew that every month I did the work. Every month I did the work. And every month, I go like, fuck. What am I going to tell Terry? It's the 20th and rent doesn't even look like it's coming in my future. And on the 25th, I get a call from Schubert or somebody going, hey, and you know what, you hang up the phone and you're like, I get it now.

but if you quit your day job and you put 100% in, I'm not talking about going to a coffee shop in the daytime and hanging with your fucking loser buddies and talking about, you know, well, Ron Jesolmex special wasn't any good. It was overrated. You're not going nowhere.

You might as well hang yourself. You might as well pull up Brody Stevens. You're not going nowhere. But if you, like the way I was working in Seattle, like me, Josh and fucking Brody, the way we were working in Seattle, we were making a living. I was paying rent every month.

I was making $100 a sec. So I don't know what you're talking about. 50s. I was getting 25 from Donna Richards on Friday to host an A-B-based. But at the end of the month, if you put the working, you will make you nothing then so. Because I was paying child support, rent, snorting, sucking, fucking, drinking, you know.

And there's some months of the better than others. Yeah, you're going to have one month out of 12 that you're going to have to borrow $200 or that's, You know, I went to Columbus this weekend, and I went to Atlanta last. Two weeks in a row, I lost my luggage. Really? Yeah. Atlanta lost a big suitcase.

This week, I lost a little suitcase. One of my boxing gloves, just got a mooie tie. Do I look upset to you? Not upset. You know why? I fly 30 times a year. Yeah. And then I lost it once.

Yeah, twice. This is what happens. It's a lot of percentages. Yeah. It's the law percentage. This works in flying. This works in comedy. And this works in life.

That's why when people come up to me, they're like, I've been doing comedy for eight years. Should I quit my job? It's up to you. It's up to you. You know that if you quit your day job. You work eight hours a day, right? Yeah.

You're going to have to work 10 doing comedy. Yeah. That's the phones. That's working the phones, emails, getting in your car, going down and talking to this guy and see if you get up next week for his show. How many times?

You know, I was telling him. him he goes like come back guy he never hit me back get down there drive down there show the guy you want to do the room that's it like hardly never happens over the phone man no no you gotta go down that it sounds crazy but like 90% of the gigs I got to go down it's because he was like dude gotta go down and they're like I was just thinking about you gotta go out yeah gotta get out of that I decided out of mind got to get out and then you ask yourself how come that guy got spots and I didn't because they went there you know how many fucking times is like

been in this town I said to myself I'm taking a night off and the store like when I first got here I would take like whatever night NYPD blue was on and that was your shit no it wasn't my shit the girl I dated that was her shit so I wanted to take a night off because I was so condensed with comedy do you know how many times I would say like I'm taking the night off and at six o'clock I go night off fuck you and I go down there all the nights

that was the biggest night I get like an audition somebody would give me a gig and on the drive home I'm like that's why I went out last night yeah I do that as a comic they come like once 90 I started comedy in 91 and yeah for the first two or three years I fucked around for the first two years I fucked around

I didn't know what I was doing I was snorting and doing this but in 93 there was no more TV in my house TV disappeared gave it away brand new Sony Trin-Trump because if you're a real comic you're not gonna watch TV you're not gonna binge watch TV you're not gonna watch Game of Thrones when you're a real comedy you don't watch dick those first 10 years those first 12 years you don't do nothing I don't do nothing that's my first 12 years nothing I didn't know anything based baseball, football. I didn't know nothing. I didn't know about sports. I lost touch with everything.

All I thought about, especially when I got here, when I got here, I really turned it on because I knew this was the major leagues. This ain't the minor leagues, the same AAA ball, this ain't double A ball, this ain't single A ball. This is hard ball. This is real fucking ball here. And you got to turn it up. I didn't know nothing about staying in. staying in my wife left October 91 and from the night my life my wife left till 2004

I never stayed there I'm not saying I drank every night I'm not saying you that I parted every night I'm telling you that I did not stay in every night because even if I didn't have a spot I went to see the headline one of the nights

like even if I didn't have a spot we were talking about being an open Mike or how Sunday through Thursday. You have a lot of action. Then on the weekends, you don't have nothing. Saturday, I'd deliver pizzas. Yeah, if you're not going to go do comedy, you might as well make money.

Go deliver pizza, go Uber, go do something. And then Saturday, I would pay and go see a headliner at the Comedy Works. I'd go see whoever was hot. Bobby Collins, the kid from Boston, Boston Commons, all those guys. I used to go see him at the comedy. You'd pay?

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Jackie Flynn, you know, all those comics. Steve McGrew, just, I can't remember how many fucking, the guy, you know, you must be your redneck. I paid to see Seinfeld in concert and the theater in Denver. Did you really? Yeah.

Can't picture you're doing that. Yeah. Yeah. No, I did it. After I got into comedy, I knew that you got to go watch what these guys are doing. You got to go watch. You got to go fucking pay attention. When you're a double-A baseball player, you go watch the Dodgers on your day.

all you want to go see what's his name is doing how much was that sainfield ticket you remember a girl bought a phone on a date I told the girl I really wanted to go and I got her a job and she got a first check and she to repay me oh okay she paid for the ticket I had a really good time and signfo was clean and you know whatever the fuck it was did you like him yeah I always like Seinfeld I always like Seinfeld he had a joke about how does a hair crawl up the wall in the shower That's my favorite joke of his You would take a shower when there's a hair

Right across from you Yeah How does it climb up the wall? I was fucking dying I loved all that shit Agostino I want to tell you I'm really proud of you Thank you

Keep doing what you're doing Obviously it's working What's the name of your podcast Homeschooled Like a motherfucker And you have a website and everything Yeah homeschooled pod com or also

Augustinocom Comedian dot com Same thing Listen guys I know a lot of you just came out to support me in Minneapolis. It's 4th of July weekend. You're going to watch fireworks on Thursday night. Friday,

Saturday and Sunday? Friday, and Sunday. Friday and Sunday is going to be the Wall of America. If you're not doing anything, there's a personal fucking friend of mine. I love him to death. He's a hard worker. He's like my little brother. He covered my ass years ago when I was doing spots

at the store. I'm very proud. Thank you. I'm very happy that you had lining. And I wish this is at the beginning. of great things for you, man. I appreciate it. Thank you very much for being on. Any other dates you got? Right now, that's it.

Just those. I'll just focus on those right now. Just focus on those. I'm just focusing on the motherfucking wreck room this Friday night in Huntington Beach. Friday, first show sold out. Second show, it's myself and Kay Quigley. And my man, little gay Ian,

I love that little gay guy. Oh, he's awesome. I haven't seen him in a while. I haven't seen him in a while. I haven't seen him in a while. I haven't seen him in a while, but he's going to host for me. And then,

July 10th through the 12th I'm at the motherfucking Charlotte Comedy Zone with my main man out of fucking Louisville, Brad Lannning. That's my dog out of Louisville. I love him to death. And that's it and that's that. It's 4th of July week. But we want to give you a little something to start off your fucking Monday morning with. Real quick.

I want to read a little message from our sponsors and I'll let you go out and get your fucking fireworks. I'm very upset. They confiscated $50,000 with the fireworks and a ship today in Southern California that were coming my way. I was in a blow up police building. I was going to buy a quarter stick of dynamite, but they fucked it up.

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Charlotte, the comedy zone July 10th to the 12th. I love you motherfuckers. We'll see you Wednesday morning. Tip top Magoo. Ready to fucking go. Take this motherfucker muley. Pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart as I a somebody who

will swear to be true as you used to do with me with me who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company wait and see want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart two bits let's see if a puzzle fits so fine And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet. I sit there applauding from a front row seat. When somebody breaks your heart like you.