The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #700 - Ian Edwards

Episode Date: July 10, 2019

Ian Edwards, a stand up comedian, writer, and co-host of the "Soccer Comics Rant" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Ian's first comedy special, "Ideas Not Worth Spreading" will premiers on Comedy Central at Midnight on July 12, 2019.  This podcast is brought to you by: Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush. CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

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Ian Edwards. The Christ killer. And Uncle Joey, bitches. Here we go. Boom. What's going on, my brother? Man, you know, just chilling, watching Lee's fear of bugs. Oh, that bug was fucking big.

I normally don't have one, but he just kept throwing at me. I had to throw it at you. It seems right, because I don't know if you know, but this is 700. Congratulations. So this is, it seems right that you're torturing with a bug, throwing a bug at me for eight times. You might not survive this 700. I'm definitely not. That fucking bug was big, though.

Huge. That motherfucker locked up. How are you? I'm good, man. You're looking good. I'm trying, bro. You got a special coming out on Friday. You still the smoothest motherfucker back the store and shit.

What's happening? Man, just chilling. You're looking good, too. Lee got some cars. running from a bug so it's good to see him exercise we made them burn calories today that's enough for a few months what's going on with the soccer thing you in uh still going man woman soccer you're all in yeah i'm all in they finished uh sunday right no i know i know i know that they won they just got back to fucking jersey i'm gonna have a parade tomorrow in new york damn y'all didn't even know that part

i just watched the final and then i just left the bar yeah i didn't know i don't know nothing about nothing i don't know nothing about who won i just know USA chicks won uh this is the four championship. Yeah, the four women's World Cup. Second in a row. Shit like that. They're only getting

four million. Men are getting a hundred million. They're all upset. I got something to say about that too. Well, first, like yesterday I was at the bar

and I watched the game. And after the game, everybody watched the trophy ceremony, but after that, everything dissipated. And that let me know we are not in a soccer country. If you're in any country

in any country in a world, that's a soccer country and you win a world. World Cup, whether men or women, you are celebrating for weeks. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're hearing drums and shit outside or impromptu carnival just broke out. People are taking off from work all week. Like, yeah, they won, but after they won, it was just over.

You know what I'm saying? And that's not, like, you're in South America and you win some shit. Like, people are getting pregnant right now based off that title. It's like in Mexico and the guys scored the goal in the wrong thing and the, the, the, the narcos shot them. Yeah, that's at Columbia. So, yeah,

weeks later, yeah, weeks later that, you know, people are still hurt over that stuff, you know what I'm saying? That's crazy.

It's more personal. And until America, everybody, including the players and the people who love the game, get that personal, you know, and I'm saying,

we should kill somebody. I'm not saying that until we win something, like get to the point where we're so into it that we, you know, when somebody wins an NBA title

or, or an NFL title. Like, it's a riot. Was there any riots yesterday? No. No. Everybody just clapped and walked home. Where did your love for soccer come from?

Your native country, growing up, I mean, where did your love for soccer come from? I was just born into it. Like, I grew up in, I was born in England, right? So then you can't escape it there. It was either soccer or cricket and fuck cricket. And I fucking were cricket. And then so it's soccer, who played. as a kid in the school yard, like almost every day, every day.

And then when we moved to Jamaica on Oz 9, Jamaica is a former colony of Britain. So one of the few things that they left us was soccer. You know what I'm saying? So moving there, that was another, everybody loves soccer. That's how dudes used to get girls in high school. When you played on a high school soccer team in Jamaica, like you're in the newspaper. You know what I mean? It's like college sports here.

So it's like you would want to You were motivated You're almost a pro You know what I mean Like high school football Soccer is big in Jamaica You know you're You score a goal

Your team wins You save a goal You get a red card You know anything You're in the paper Everybody all over the island Knows about you You'll have a nickname

And everybody knows about you So it's just a big deal Does it upset you as a real fan Because every I I don't hate it But whenever I see the World Cup I get hated bro I kind of do.

Like whenever the World Cup comes around, people pretend like they care. Like they had those like those horns a few years ago. And they really don't. Like, I mean, there's some people who do like soccer, but it seems like a huge majority of them are just doing it so they can drink at 6 a.m. And then they don't, who really cares? Well, how old are you in? I never tell.

How old were you when you came to the States? 17. And what year was that? That I never tell, because then people could figure. it out okay yeah me an approximation what year you came to the states uh let's say late 80s okay so in like 73 i got out of cat to the school and i was allowed to play football but i was too heavy for the eagles it was the eagles and the patriots in north berg and my own town those are high school teams no no no those uh reparation league okay okay so i had to play in

And Anthony, somebody, a Catholic school in Union City had what they called semi-pro. But it wasn't semi-pro. It was just a bunch of fucking kids that couldn't make weight on the regular thing, or they had bad grades. So I went up there for a couple of games, and I kind of enjoyed it. It was a little rough. And I was at my mother's ball one day. And a Spanish dude said, do you play football? And I go, yeah.

And he goes, do you want to come play at Hudson County Park on Saturday? I go, sure. And he picked me up from my mother's house. You know, when I got in the car, nobody had a football shirt on. Nobody had a helmet. Nobody had fucking shoulder pads. And when I got there, they were playing soccer. Oh.

And I go, what the fuck is this shit? And at that time, it was in 1975. I mean, Pelle was huge. Right. You know, that's all I knew about soccer. That Pellet was huge. But it wasn't what it is today. Right.

And it took a long time to get to what it is today. When my first daughter was born in 1990, in 95, she was playing soccer. And I was like, what? Like, I was in shock. They had grown to a wreck sport now. I thought it was big in my area because of the Spanish population. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because of the South American population, the Colombians and shit like that.

Ecuadorians, El Salvadorians. Yeah. But it has grown. It has made progress. What you have to come with grips is that this country belongs to the NFL. Yeah. They even gave it its own fucking day. They took it away from the church.

What does that tell you? What was the day they took away from the church? Sunday. Sunday. Oh, yeah. It's hilarious. They couldn't take away a Saturday. College football said fuck the Jews.

And they took away a Saturday. But that's how big football is. Right. And you have to come to that. That's why I love when Rogan even would say, I don't get footballer. Rogan, what Dana White does on a Saturday, they do 13 of those on Sunday.

Twice the size, more tickets, shirts, volume, and they got to down to the size. Yeah, because one game holds more than a, like, like, an UFC event. You've got to put on multiple fights. They do that every Saturday. What the UFC does, did this week. They do that every Sunday.

Yeah. For 17 weeks plus the playoffs. plus preseason, you know? So what are you talking about? The size is, it's two different things we're talking about. Soccer will grow in this country, but it'll never beat out the NFL. No, I know. Like somebody asked me before it said, like, what's wrong with soccer in America?

America didn't invent soccer. That's the problem with soccer in this country. Like every sport you're talking about, like football, baseball, just whatever other sports, they're thriving in America. They were invented here. You know, soccer's growing here, like you said, but I've accepted that it's never going to be as big. And then Lee was saying, do I get mad when World Cup time comes around

and people jump on the bag? Yeah, like with every fucking sport. Yeah, but when the Rams were playing a bunch of blondes with ram shirts on it, I don't even know what the fucking ram is. You know, nothing bothers me more than that. We were talking about concert shirts the other day on the podcast, how these new kids are just wearing shirts. They go buy a $40 concert shirt.

And take them aside. That means you're bad. Give me two fucking songs from that album. And I'll suck your dick right here. Don't start stuttering. How can you represent? But Joey, suppose they don't want a blowjob. That's why they're stuttering.

Who the fuck knows? You know, who doesn't want a blowjob unless you're fucking, you know? Who doesn't want their dick suck? Everybody wants their dick suck. Everybody wants their candy stroke. Even fucking Jesus. I'm a little, Joey. I love you.

But if I was wearing a concert T-shirt and you say you offered me a blow job, to name two songs. I'm going to forget the two songs. I'm going to get some of the else. Oh, okay. But it's so weird how we just don't. Soccer is growing. And I'll tell you what.

That same thing I saw in Hudson County in 1975 or whatever it was. Today, that same park has six or seven soccer fields lighted. They look like something. My buddy's the assemblyman. So he redid that park. After park, they took away the baseball. Is he, uh, is he, uh, is he? Is he, where is he your buddy from?

Jersey, we grew up together. Is he American? Yes, he's Italian. He's Italian, but he knew that that's what our town is, come on. North Bergen-Hudson County's got to be 60% Hispanic. Right. You know, so what are you going to do? In fact, football is down in this country.

Oh, right. I believe soccer will grow now because it's an activity that parents will put their kids in. Look at the number of football programs now for kids under. 12. I guarantee it's not what it was 10 years ago because parents aren't putting their kids. They're worried about injuries and shit. Injuries and brain damage. So I think soccer will, that's another option, you know, instead of football, so it'll be soccer now. Soccer baseball, basketball, you know, it'll go bigger.

And I could be wrong. What you were just saying about how the NFL does so much more than the UFC in like Europe, doesn't soccer or football do way more than the NFL? Like, aren't the stadiums huge? Yeah, it's huge. It's huge. Yeah, but the NFL does great over there. Look what happened a couple of weeks ago. Oh, yeah. When the Red Sox played the Yankees in England, right?

No, yeah, they're thinking about moving an NFL team to England. Something huge. Yeah. I mean, with TV and the way everything is, like sports can travel. And sometimes it's a novelty to get like an American game there. So everybody's like, this game is going to happen one time here. So everybody comes to it. And then when I, you know, you go to Europe, they, like, I was in Europe doing shows.

and I saw LeBron playing high school. His last high school game was on TV on a cable channel in England. And I was like, I mean, a high school fucking kid, you know what I'm saying? Like he was that big. So, you know, sports travel, man. And then a lot of soccer players are friends with a lot of NFL players and basketball players. Like they talk on Twitter. They go visit each other.

And they're like cool, like the big European stars, like the Namars and the Messies and the Rinal. those they know people over here they know you know the curries and the lebrons and all that shit so it's kind of it's kind of really cool you know what I'm saying no it's it's I mean it's not as big as people would want it but it's making leaps and bounce yeah I accept the last 30 40 years it's made a lot of fucking leaps and bounce did you do you still play soccer at all you ever get out there no my knees are bad that's it yeah so now it's just stand up like a motherfucker yeah like the last time I got an injury, Joey, I didn't even fall.

I just played that day and I took me on purpose that I just played lightly and my leg was fucked up for three months. Like I couldn't even walk and like when you just get unexplained injuries like I didn't

he's flinching I knew he's going to fall on me but he he was readjusting He just popped out. It's hilarious. Oh, my God. He's terrified over here, y'all.

Yeah, I know. I definitely have. What is it, Munchausen? What syndrome do I have? You got every fucking syndrome. You got more syndromes and the syndrome. Jesus Christ. Who gives a fuck at this point?

Inhale that. That's good. I'm never going to breathe your first. That's good for the bronchitis. Look at your bronchitis. One of the way. Yeah, he just cured something. Yeah, because I stopped doing the bong.

Oh, my God. I thought doing the bongous. Because you inhale these things. Look at you see and it cleaned out your lungs Yeah, farting tremendous Yeah, you look healthier now Yeah, I do Yeah, you do

Where's that fucking bug? You get a workout A fart out, everything God damn it What uh The special, you're excited about it Yeah, I'm excited about it What was the last time you put together

A special couple years ago No, the CD was with Conan The CD was Conan And I never had a special So is your first special First special man One of the best guys working today one of the best junk writers in the business,

and they treat you like fucking Montgomery Jones, you know what I know, it had to be, it's just the, if it wasn't for like the support of, like, you know, I write on shows and stuff,

but the support of like people like Rogan, you, like Tosh and Burr, you know what I'm saying? Like comics that people respect. And just other comics too. Like, they'll help you out more than like,

the industry. sometimes you know what I'm saying which is the industry's job sometimes you know comics with power that have control they have their own podcast and shit they're like fuck it you should have something or you should have this and I like the community of comedy for that you know what I'm saying like you have people on your podcast including me and you help them out and they come on and then they get more followers and all of a sudden the agency wants to help them more because they see that they're following is growing so I just like that comics have more control now and more say.

You know, part of comedy is doing standoff and writing jokes. And, you know, in this life, you're not going to like everybody. Right. You know, life isn't that fair. I wish you could like everybody. But for the most part, there's a handful of comedians and we all get along. And you look out for each other and you live and die for that motherfucker. Right.

And that makes, that's part of this job is encouraging, especially. Once you get past 40, and you're longer in the tooth than the young guys. Sometimes going up to a young guy that's doing comedy three or four years and tap them in the shoulders and saying, that's a funny joke, it's better than going to Montreal. It's better than getting a role in the movie. You know, it keeps you going. Validation. Validation from your peers keeps you going.

Yeah. You know, I hate when somebody sends you a tape and makes you. validate them like makes you say something I can't say some I gotta see you 20 times yeah I gotta see you with different audiences mm-hmm at the store how you tackle when you have to follow fuck when Chris Rock walks it and so were you were supposed to follow fucking Johnny Dorp or some fucking guy and also in Chris Rock's walking and you gotta adjust your game right and also I'm sitting in the back and I'm like God damn he went up there with no fear right he said fuck Chris Rock and he went up there like fuck

the savage you know we really have to see people yeah we get along with people and you see how they act and after a while you have to reach out you know just because we're up there alone with a microphone don't mean we're selfish right does not mean we're selfish it means that we just chose that we want to go up there naked anybody could join an improv fucking troupe with eight guys and giggle and have your friends come see and tell you were marvelous you know in my world i respect stand-up comics I really have a big because I know what they're going through I know what they're going through at the fifth year

the 10th year the 15th year because you've been there you've seen it you know what you feel like you feel like shit so when I saw that Bill was producing the podcast for you and stuff

I was very happy you know that that brings that how long you've been friends with Bill shit I've known it for a long time long fucking time from New York you know what I'm saying And when I first moved out here, he had moved out here.

He had booked some pilot, but then I guess it got canceled. So he was going to bounce. And I was like, yo, stick around. That was 97. 97, 98 or something. 98, when his show got canceled. And then he went back. He went back.

And he did the right thing. Glad he didn't listen to me. He started from scratch. Yeah. Just hitting the clubs. He was a little depressed. You know, because we're all depressed when we lose that shot. Yeah.

We think it's going to define us. Because normally, because you've seen. that be somebody's only shot is that one shot and if you don't take that there's some great comics from like the 80s and 90s like what's the guy that killed himself in the shower

the platypus man Richard Jenny was one of the greatest fucking comics. One of the greatest. Just one shot it felt like and then after that or maybe had a bunch of pilots where one made it to the ear and didn't work out and that haunted him it feels like Ian what's his shot?

What is a shot? Okay. Describe a shot for people who are not comics, people. What is the shot? Well, I'll tell you what a shot used to mean. And then now you don't even know what the fuck a shot is right now. Because it couldn't happen so many different ways. A shot could be today an Instagram post that goes viral.

It could be a YouTube. It could be when you did, you just told me off-air, you did the podcast, with Rogan in December and everybody listened to it and then the guy upstairs that you've been with the agency for four months called down the other guy said hey you didn't tell me you had Joey Diaz and then your ball gets rolling you know what I mean like when I started a shot was you is a step by step set of shots first you try to get an audition for Montreal so you get the audition that's a part of the shot then you audition for Montreal and then they say you yes, you can go to Montreal.

So there's another step or phase of the shot. And then when you're at Montreal, you kill. And then you got meetings. And after the meetings, you get a TV show deal. And then you see if your show gets picked up to even get shot. That's another part of the shot. And then you show if the show gets picked up to go on the air. And then you see if it lasts on the air, if it lasts a year or two years

or three years, your shot is over. You know what I'm saying? Because nobody would remember that show. It's the show that was on nine to 10 years or eight years that people will remember. So, but then now you can kind of fail upwards. I feel like now if you are on a show, you can parlay that now more and say, well, I was on this show. And people are looking for people.

There's more platforms. There's more channels. There's more shows. So people are, all right, let's get that guy. He was sanctioned by these people on this network or platform. So maybe we can use him on ours. You know what I mean? But the terminology shot has kind of changed.

Well, now, shot for me, men, your big break. Right. You know how many big breaks I thought I was going to get? 30. 30. You know, I mean, let's take the longest shot, for example. I thought that was going to change my life. Right now that it's been on the air for 13 years, we can get out of the way.

Right. How can it not change your life? Look at the cast. Look what Adam Sam with damage he was doing in 2005. Right. 2004, 2000. Anything he touched turned to go. While I was shooting the movie, they said, it's all over.

Like, it's all over. Once this movie comes out, you write your own ticket. Here's the fucked up thing. I forgot you was in the movie. Yeah, you know. That's the fucked up thing. The crazy thing is that you, I remember the movie getting released and just sitting at home and looking at the phone. And nobody called.

And then Nick Taturo got a bunch of movies and Lobo got a bunch of movies. And Tracy Morgan got put in fucking dirty rock and Terry Cruz. Forget what happened with Terry Cruz. And there I was. I forgot he was in this movie. Yeah. There I was the fucking ugly chick at the dance. Did you feel bad that when you saw everybody get you shit?

Horrible. Horrible. How would you feel if you thought this was it? Your life was going to change. When I say change, what was I, that I think I was going to be driving a convertible fucking Maserati with 20 people in the car? No.

You know what change was for me? 20 weeks of work? Right. 200 people coming to my shows, maybe. getting that agent to book you, getting a stronger theatrical agent. Right. None of that happened.

Did you have an agent at the time when you got it? Yeah, he was a bum then, and he's a bum now. He was like, Tony Montaigne's Scarface. You know, it was... It didn't change him that you got that. It set me fucking... Like, the movie came out in May, and by October, I was a fucking mess.

Like the phone had it rang. No agents came and spoke to me. You know, but if that was somebody else, I'm not crying. Right. If that was somebody else who got it, it would have been all over. It would have been a billboard. It would have been a variety of congratulations to this guy or a client for doing this. You know, it's just the weird of the things that didn't happen.

And I'm not crying. I got the experience of my life. Right. But when I was doing that movie, a wise man told me, he pulled me aside when they goes, you're doing great in this. but this is this has to take time it's gotta take cultures right and recently i saw it you go on the fucking rogan podcast nobody knows who the fuck you are they look you up and now they go that's the fat dude from the longest yard now they research more yeah so what i learned was everything comes back

in cultures right everything that mad tv you did that nobody fucking saw now one night they air it at 11 o'clock And there's a million people home because there's a snow snow and you're a fucking star. Right. So everything takes cultures. Everything comes in cultures. What you did in 2007, if it was good, history is going to come back to repeat itself. Right. You know how many times people have called, hit me on Twitter and say, I didn't know you and my name is Earl.

They don't know. Yeah. So it comes back. Now they'll go pay the $5. Right. Ah, now that's validation. Ah, that's my favorite show. Now I got to go see him.

All those things. And for me, it was not a movie, right? Like, for me, it was not a movie. It was not me killing on the road. People fucking hated me on the road. It was telling a hooker story, telling a whole story about me mugging a hooker. So it blew me away. And you told that on the podcast.

I told it on the podcast. The only place you could fucking tell me. And next thing, you know, there was 100 people at a show. Down in the Hockey, we were cheering to tell the hooker story. Yeah. But the one thing I think you guys, Not are missing, but maybe don't realize how big it is, because I'm almost two years in. Like, I see people, like a shot for me is you letting me do the Wilbur.

Is Felipe letting me do a guest spot at Carolines? Like, that sort of stuff that, like, to me, because I've seen people who are... And that's not a shot. No, to me it feels like a shot. That's just an opportunity for you to look into the ocean from the fucking beach and go, Oh, that's what the bottom of the ocean. Oh, no, but I don't mean I'm going to get an agent and blow up. I just mean like it's a next step.

No, no, no, no. Right now you've got no shots in your future. You don't consider that a shot? Your future is getting on stage right now. For the next two years until your tongue time. You don't think there's levels of shots, no? There's levels of shots. But for you, a guest spot of Carolines isn't really going to propel you.

It's just to show you what it's going to be like. It's like when Jim Valvano made his players cut the net down. before the season began to show them what it was to show them what to feel like when they cut the net down. Right. That's what that's for you for. That's fuel in your engine. That's fuel in your engine. Right, man.

When you go up in front of 1,200 people and you bomb, you're going to go home and that's fuel in your engine. I'll never be mad at you because we all went through that bomb. The first time we got up in a big theater and we threw in, they gave you a guest spot, you fought, and you're excited. And also they didn't laugh at you. Now you're back to square one. So it's really not a shot. These are opportunities for you to peek behind the curtain and go, oh, that's what it's like to go up in front of 1,500 people. Get some experience and learn.

That's what it's like. You're at the two-year mark where all you need to do is get on state. Put your head down. Oh, no, and I don't expect anything. But to me, that's because I see people at Open Mic's who have been at Open Mic's for 10 years and haven't done a real show. Because to me, that's a show. I mean, maybe in 10 years, I don't. You control, in this business, you control what you want to do.

And it starts by the word no. I'm not doing that no more. I'm not doing that place no more. I'm going to lose doing five spots a week. But the two spots that I do do are really going to elevate me. Right. Those are the things that at your level right now, or you've got to worry about is what you're not going to do anymore

and how you're going to propel yourself up. But in the meanwhile, all you got to do, look at, Bill Burr taught us, a big lesson. Bill Burr got his head knocked off with a TV show that was the reason why it hurt Bill more than it did was because it had all the makings. Right. To be the next sign, though. It just wasn't a TV show

with him and fucking some bum from the store. It had the guy from office space, Dharma from Darwin and Greg. It had an all-lined-up cast. I don't remember that show. I just remember he was on it. So when he went down, if you learn anything from Tom Rhodes, Margaret Cho

Greg Giroldo Tom Rhodes Margaret Cho Bill Burr and Greg Gerald those four people the biggest lesson I learned was that once your show

gets canceled and while that show is getting taped keep getting on that fucking horse because that's the key what you and I have witnesses motherfuckers that get a TV show and go shit I don't need stand up

then the show gets canceled after three years. And now those guys that they were neck and neck with doing stand-up are now a level on top of them because they quit. And now their shows are failing. Now they've got to start all over again. They're going out thinking they're going to get clasped. Oh, you want that show that got canceled. And you got to start all over again.

Starting all over again, those are the motherfuckers. I take my props off to it. Because most people after their show fails at CBS, they go away. They become real estate agents. hilarious they really do and we've seen it and I've seen it I can name five guys that came to this town that had more heat than you me and Sebastian put together from fucking Montreal came down here got a shot at a TV show the show the pilot didn't get picked up now the agents

are a little weary and then my mistake one night they happened to walk into the comedy store and they fought to follow I saw a motherfucker that was good looking look like Steve Reeves. I forget what his name was. Look just like Superman, built like Superman. Went up to Montreal in 98, got all this fucking clout deals. Was he funny or just good looking? He was just good looking. Yeah, and they gave him the

and they gave him. And I don't know if he had him walking into the store with four Jews. You know, with suits on, you know, and that mother's a lot of Jews. And I never forget that motherfucker had to follow Dyson. Oh, shit. And he fell up. bar hard i never saw him back at the county store in fact i never saw that motherfucker again did

dice leave with his jews the dice left with the three wise man only one little assistant jew left with him the three you know i've seen that a thousand times i've seen that a thousand times and people think they come out here and you know and listen i'm not going to lie to you in nineteen eighty seven I thought if I got a job bartending, I'd be discovered. Just bartended? Yeah, oh, yeah. Mixed drinks and somebody was in the coming and go, oh, you're perfect for Hollywood.

I was retarded, too. And then I got it, and I realized, you know, and what's the movie that made those two guys famous, not sleepers, but the ones that they went out of it. Oh, I know you're talking about. Swingers. Swingers, yeah. He has a line in there.

He goes, what are you talking about? I got to work hard. I heard they were giving out, develop. deals at the airport at LAX that's what it was like here 95 so and the networks found out hard that the choices that all these networks put on them these guys couldn't cover the spread yeah the networks gave money to the wrong people to the wrong people and then they thousands of dollars yeah millions bro millions millions yeah I know people that are in a list I heard this from a cat A VP once, if we were talking, he was telling me that Fox, for example,

every year they have a list of like 10 to 20 people that are like past movie stars or like how to show and it failed. They'll give him $250,000 just to lock them in just in case something happens. They're playing the long game. Just in case somebody picks them up, boom. Just in case somebody has a script, boom, they got them. You know, people who are that you've forgotten about. Right.

Something like Gina Davis, for example. who was hot 20 years ago. They get a little, they'll give Gina Davis a quarter million dollars and hold her for a year. Quarter of a million. Some just in case shit.

Just in case shit. Then they'll give a couple blacks deals, a couple Latinos deals. So when the fucking black organizations and the Latino organizations raise their hand and go, what about black people?

What about Latino? What are you talking about? We gave such and such a developmental deal. He didn't do that with them. Well, such and such has been on stage for a year. He doesn't even know how to wipe, he doesn't even know how to bring somebody. I still remember.

That's crazy. They're just covering their ass. I still remember being at the store on a Sunday night and then bringing a kid in who had destroyed in Montreal. And the kid, you could tell by how he held the microphone that he was a dud. You know how they hold the mic, open mic just hold the microphone with the wing open? He couldn't even do an intro.

It's like somebody with their first cigarette. You know at the comedy store how you have to bring up the next guy? He didn't even know how to do the intro. When he put the mic back in, he was fumbling. They gave that guy a half a million dollar deal. Oh, my God. But after taxes and everything, it's $3.40. Right.

And guess what? That guy goes and buys a car an apartment. His show don't get picked up. He's a waiter in six months. He's a waiter in six months. It's not even the shot. It's what you do with it. If you're a fighter and I punch you with the best right hook

and you stagger a little bit and I get on top of you and he buckles you and gets out. I didn't do nothing with that right hook. Yeah, you just need the shot. That right hook was a fucking nightmare. You know, when we got here, the shot was this. Ian Edwards had a TV show. He put you on reoccurring six out of ten episodes.

When the season's over, I go out and sell out fucking all the improvs. That's what it used to be like. No more. You could do 10 TV shows. shows now. Ain't nobody coming to see your ass. But I think Ian's right. If you have a big Instagram, you can sell attention to the improv. I'm not talking

about that. Okay. But if you have an Instagram, okay, and you hit, and one of these greedy agents, these gavones, pick you up and they book you and they charge $30 for you, you're going to get them for the 30 one time. It's like going and see Screech. He's going to

get you for the 31 time. And then you're going to go, this is a waste of my time. Right. Anybody who knows stand-up, number one, will not fall for that. Right. Anybody who's in the stand-up game will not fall for it. Yeah, the beauty of it now, like there's stand-up nerds.

Right. They're so invested in this. And they follow everybody. They treat us like Marvel characters or some shit or, you know, DC versus like they invest just as much time into, like, where this person from, who they're associated with, what they said, what joke they got. Like, they're into it. And that's beautiful.

The internet, like, I didn't even knew comedy would ever be like that. But it's great that it is because anybody that spends so much time is dedicated to comedy. When you come to town, they're going to come and see you. You know what I mean? So they're loyal to you. And you're a part of their lives. You know what I mean? Like, it's not even music.

We're taking the place of their music. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, you have the soundtrack to your life. Like, we're the laugh track to their lives. And it's just, I don't know. when it happened, how it happened. But even me, I'm taking a while to realize that myself, that, oh, shit. You know, sometimes people say some shit to me.

I'm like, I didn't even remember I said that or how did you even hear me say that or hear that comic say that? And people are just invested. And that's the advantage that we have right now. I love when a stupid fucking show gets hot on some stupid channel. And some fucking agent that's got no morals, takes these three fucking idiots and puts them on the road, and they sell out all over the country. These poor guys don't really know it. They really think they're the shit.

And you get people once, maybe once, twice, and then they go see Ian Edwards for the small 22. And they go, well, that was a breadth of, that's a real fucking guy that knows. knows what he's doing he set up punchlines he told stories he had structure he had continuation you know there's a guy that's a real fucking stand-up you know then there's not a lot of those guys around that are real I'm not a real stand-up I tell stories and I use energy to trick the fucking audience this guy is a monologist he tricks you with his fucking words I'm a real stand-up I'm gonna agree with you on the compliment you gave me and I'm gonna disagree with you on what you say

about you. It's a truth. But you have a, you just have a, you changed. Let me see how I put this man. You're just, you're not traditional, but you are definitely a motherfucking comic. You know what I mean? I'm not traditional. It breaks my heart that I'm not traditional. Even real? You don't need to be.

Like, it breaks my heart. It's scary to be you. Like, to go on a part of the, so say the stand-up road is paved and everybody goes this way. And then Joey's like out here, but he's still going. getting there, maybe even ahead of the people that's on there. And it's like how to trust your instinct and do it a way that's never been done? You know what I mean? And maybe, I don't know, circumstances made you just be like, fuck it.

I'm going to be the ultimate Joey, the ultimate me. I don't know what it did. But that's, that's just dope. You know what I'm saying? That's what stand up is. Yeah. It's being the ultimate you. Yeah.

We get here and we get tricked. Hey, you got to do material about your family if you want to show. Hey, you can't do that. Hey, you can't do this. And then one day something comes out of you. I hate fucking hikers. I wish they all die when they go on those hikes and they get lost. And that's your heart talking.

Yeah. And that's what the audience wants. Yeah. And then you find out how many people who hate hikers too. And then they'll go, you know what? I fucking hate hikers too. Yeah, I went on a hike this morning. I didn't want to go.

And I hated everybody on the path with me. It's, it's, it's, your heart opens up. I looked at things. I looked how they wanted to do them and I refused. Right. That style of, I love. And you probably struggled when you tried to do it. Oh.

In the beginning, the way they said to do it. And that's, so you're like, I'm in comedy. I'm trying to do it the right way. They say it, but I don't feel like doing it this way. But I have to, or else I ain't going to make it. And then the day you're like, fuck it. If it means making it. that's a good one

that's the best one that's disgusting that's bronchitis killer right you're not going to thank him for curing you who raised you you have no respect I think that one

I think Lee and I and I and somebody else were in here the other day and they said I'm not a good comic when I'm getting ready for something like I don't ever want to shoot a special again I know I don't ever want to shoot a special again I'm not a special type of comic

I can't shoot specials there's certain comics that are brilliant You and Anthony Jezzanick, and there's so many comics that do the set up punchline, they trick you, they take you down the road, they show you, they're magicians with their words, they show you this hand, and they fucking finger-bang you with the other one. I can't, I can't do it. I get too tight. Right.

I get too locked in. You know, when they say it, not performing for the audience, you're performing for the people at home. All that shit fucks with me. You know what? I want to see live comedy. I want the glass to fall off the time. thing and break. I think some of the specials have become too polished.

And I want to bring back that nasty, gritty you know, Richard Pryor at the improv with the menu behind them type shit. Or damn, Red Fox recording an album at a fucking party or some shit like that. How crazy was that? In a basement like that.

How crazy was that? Yeah. I love all that. You know, my love of comedy was putting the fucking needle on the album and it being a little bumpy and you just heard it gritty and you heard people sneezing and you heard people moving their silverware away from the table. I love all that shit. That's all part of the motherfucking mystique. Because that type of shit takes you right there.

You're listening to an album. All of a sudden you're in that room where it was recorded while you're listening to the fucking album. It's like you took LSD and it just transported you to like another plane. You know what I mean? So I get that. Who shot your special for you? All things comedy? All things comedy.

They have their own crew, right? Well, they got a line producer who hired some people and we, like, looked at them and shit. But the director is another comic. And his name is Aristotelah Theris. Okay. And he just did something on Comedy Central called Goat Fakes, goatface with a bunch of, like, other Arabic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, with Fahima, Hohan. Yeah.

And Hassan and, yeah, I forgot some of the other people's names right now. So he directed that and he acted in that. And so he was, me and him were going to shoot the special regardless. I was like, listen, man, I got to shoot a special by the end of this year. So he said, hey, man, I'll direct it. And so we were out looking for venues and trying to narrow it down. And I was going to do the concept. These friends are here.

I was going to do the concept. Yeah, it's his fart to bring him in. As a TED talk, right, regardless. And then Burnham hit me up because he had a deal with Comedy Central to produce three specials. And he knew I hadn't had a special. Me and him had just done some shows in Atlanta. And he was like, hey man, you want to, you know, shoot this. You want to be one of the specials.

And now I was not, I wasn't going to use my money. They were going to pay me. You know what I'm saying? I was going to try to use my money, shoot it, and then try to sell it. But this way, now I'm getting paid. and there's already a home for it. And then I get to own it back in like six years. So it's fine.

I'll take it. Good deal. You're happy with it? Yeah, I'm happy with it. How did you prepare for it? This is how I prepared for it. I knew last year that I went to shoot a special. So I turned down writing jobs to prepare for it.

Like before burn them and hit me up, right? I know that if I take. some of writing jobs I'm going to be in a room and I won't be able to hit the club as much I'll be tired I won't be able to write

hone and you know like prepare the material like cook it right and travel so I just turn down any writing job you know what I'm saying

and just I did shows in Vegas I did shows anywhere here fucking party just anywhere you know it's the improv the laugh factory

the store in New York just anywhere. I just did shows. Did you work on 15 minute chunks? Sometimes I would headline places. I'd work out the whole thing. I did shows in Palm Desert where I got to do the whole thing, run the whole thing. I did the rec room.

And then sometimes 15 minutes. Now let me work on this part. I'll come up with a new joke. Let me make sure this joke is ready for the special and it fits in with the rest of my other material or the section of material that is going to follow it in that order. So, you know, just anywhere I could get on. What kind of writing preparation do you do? How many hours a day?

Would you have a time in the month? I always try to write before I do a set at night. Just to loosen you up to get your mind going. To get my mind going, yeah. It doesn't even necessarily have to be comedy with me. Right. I can write a couple paragraphs in the book. Right.

Yeah, that's what I do. Just to stay loose. Just to stay loose, yeah. So I just work on my shit before I. go on like an hour or two and then sometimes you come up with new shit sometimes you just like my memory's shitty like if I don't go on for two days I don't even remember the whole act and I can't even remember 10 minutes so it's just good to go over and get a refresher so that I'm not stumbling crazy up there you know what I mean I felt that I've tried to do that I didn't

prepare correctly for the Netflix special. Why not? I didn't think about it how I should prepare. If I would have known what I would have known today, I would have done five plates of spots a week at the store at midnight. Midnight is perfect. Five 15-minute spots, Tuesday through Saturday. That's it. Nowhere else.

That's it. Maybe go to the improv before the comedy store and try out the set and then polish it up on the way over to the store. if I ever get a special, that'll be. When I did my special, somewhere in my mind, I said that I'm going down to the store and I'm performing for people who already know who I am.

I want to try my material in places where people don't know who the fuck I am. Don't put me on the list. So I went to all the smaller clubs around town. And when I got there, I found myself catering to the room instead of my special. and yeah it didn't hit me until I got on the plane

that next morning when I got on the plane back home from Vegas from shoot the Netflix special was when I hit me I didn't prepare right that's what I always say when you get a motherfucker to get knocked out when he's sitting there and the doctors are looking at his eyes damn really he's fine right he's just thinking about all this shit how you fucked up right he should have worked more on his right punches you should have worked more on his leg kicks. You should have stayed to the game plan. I think that

working out at the store is like working out at that gym where Muhammad Ali used to work out when Angelo Dundee is as good as it gets. You got to follow something new every night. It's dark. I don't know. Just something about working out at the store. It's definitely a Philly boxing gym up at the store.

You know what I'm saying? Our old school Philly boxing gym. And that's what I like. like about it like if your shit works there in the OR most likely to work around the country unless you go somewhere where people are just ultra sensitive you know what I mean and I'm fine with my material not always working with those people it wasn't meant for them it's not meant for everybody everybody's not meant for everybody so I'm fine with that but yeah how long have you been in the game for now uh shit almost 30 years yeah it's gonna be 20 years for me in july how fucking crazy is that we stuck with something for 30 fucking years i had no

choice once i saw goodfellas why because i was young when i saw goodfellas and it was joe peshy and it was the first time i saw him i said who is this old motherfucker and how come he never gave up and he got this moment and now his career is gonna last forever I was like he's acting besides De Niro who had already had an entire full career and does goodfellas and I didn't know Pesci was in was it Raging Bull Raging Bull but I don't know how much time there was in between Raging Bull and that but I was like if he had to quit you know because back then I you back then I knew all actors because they weren't as many as there are now.

There weren't as many channels. There weren't as many studios. So if you see somebody, even if they had a bit role, you'd notice him. So I didn't notice Joe Pesci from anything. So I felt like this guy kept on acting wherever he was acting to be ready for this moment. And I was like, and when I saw that movie in that movie theater, I was like, oh, he's going to win an Oscar. You said that. I said that.

I swear to God, that's how good he was. And when they killed him. sorry for any spoilers if you haven't watched Goodfellas by night you deserve to be shot and when they killed him the movie was over for me. I'm like, why am I watching this? Like, think

about it. When Joe Pesci dies in Goodfell- What else is left in that movie? And I was like, this guy, so that was a weird connection I made when I saw and I like, I'd never give up. And then another thing, why I knew I'd never

give up because the moment I realized I was going to do it. I'm like, I'm doing this for life. And another thing was I quit soccer. And that was my first love and dream. And there was no professional league in this country. And then years after, there was one. And it was just too late to get back in a groove. And it's like, shit, if I'd never given up, I might have been able to play at least one year in the MLS, just one year or two. And I was like, man, I'm never giving up on anything ever again that I love. And even when I'm not famous or rich, I'm still having some of the most fun of my life. I'm still laughing.

I'm still meeting the best people. And people who end up being fucking great motherfuckers, you know what I mean? That you didn't even know. They were just people to you. And you're like, you don't know. And look, look, they end up being trendsetters and shit like that and like culture changes. And they're just motherfuckers who are in the in the in the in the in the the the the the the the the gutter would you just grind in we just like this person's from Boston from uh wherever and then now we look down the road decades later in like look at these people

and it's like if I had to give it up on comedy and it's gotten a job you know how heartbroken I'd be at home you imagine right now you know what I mean? I had the same experience as you. From when I got left back in the seventh grade, my life became basketball. I was like, fuck pussy. Pussy made you get left back. I'm going to focus on loops like a motherfucker. And that's all I did.

I went to Willisbury basketball camp, you know, superstar with the Hurleys. That's all I did. I took 300 jump shots every morning like Jerry West. That's how I started my day. 300 jump shots. You know, then I go play, then I go home and lift weights, then I'd rest when it was humid, then I go back out and play again, and I go home and eat dinner.

And then I had late night games, and I was part of leagues. And my freshman year, some guy just didn't like me, so he didn't start me. In fact, the motherfucker didn't play me. And I was destroying. I mean, I was one of the best guys on that team by far. He just didn't like me. And I let that motherfucker beat me. Yeah, he beat me that.

I turned to drugs. I mean, that was the beginning of my heavy drug zone, like acid and shit, because it didn't work out. I didn't know how to handle it. And it's just one guy. That was one guy that, and dog it took 10 years ago, I was going to kill that motherfucker. Then I heard that he just became a fucking drunk. He got fired. He was a piece of shit at the end.

And I was like, you know what, let him die a miserable life. But he changed my life forever. For 20 years, I was pissed off at him. But me quitting basketball really fucked with me. Like, it really fucked with me. Like, after I quit basketball, I lasted two more years in school. Yeah.

Because I had no reason to go to school no more. You know, when I first saw a kid from my neighbor in the final, a kid from my neighbor who made it to this. He started for North Carolina as a freshman. Jesus. You know what that's a man? A white dude. Yeah.

Jersey City, six for seven. Who was that? His name was Michael Corrin. And when I heard them go a freshman from Jersey City, New Jersey, you know, like I was just overwhelmed and let me know I could do it. Right. It let you know a motherfucker from Jersey City could do it. Shit.

I'm from fucking Blankergin. I got the tool. Right. So when it fell down and I quit that, it bothered me for a long time. And so I knew for a fact, it took me two years to get on stage from being a pussy. Because I knew. that once I got on that stage, there was going to be no turning back.

Right. It was like, what do they say to you, when you get married and sickness or an health? Yeah, yeah, death to his part. That was it. Yeah. That was it.

To death to his part. And it was solidified when I got into the store in 97. Right. I was like, now I got a problem. A good problem. It's like that scene in Bronx town. Remember when he closes the door,

now you can't go. Right. That's what it was. Like, now I had nowhere to go. Richard Gere, novice, and the gentleman. So I better follow Don Marrera and keep taking these beats and take them again. Don was killing, right?

Don was killing that little skinny brother with the dreads that me and Rogan always talk about. In the 90s at the store, he was spotless clean. He talked about bouncing a check and you got a standing ovation. Hellaris, who was that? He had dreads, and he fucking shot

a movie that that's a little something for you. Lee, you can put this. This will go through the sweater. It's bugs spray, Lee. And he's breathing it in. Just because you have one of those little Japanese masks. Don't mean you get the full effect of this.

The SARS of my ass can't going to help you. Take a breath. Take a breath. Oh, that came over here. Oh, that's tremendous. Yeah. That shit is John. I wonder by there's bugs in here.

Disgusting. That third one of the night. Joe, you could be all naked and afraid. Oh. With this. Like, you know how naked afraid the bugs. Eat the people at night. Or you're just one fart and it's bug-free.

Oh, this is onions and mushrooms. As soon as I was eating those onions, I was eating them with Lee's name on and shit. I'm like, he's going to love these guys. Look at this poor bastard. He eats for you. He does. I was not saying he had fish or a protein shake today. I had that too.

I had a protein shake too. Joey's like seven years old. Look at his face. I love it. I love it. I just start going to Muay Thai so I can learn how to get him. And they go to the shirt. Now he'll smell it when he gets home.

Oh, yeah. It's like going to a jersey bar when they smoke. Yeah, he'll smoke cigarettes. He takes that shirt off in the morning. He's like, what is that funky fucking odor in this goddamn shirt? But that, that, quitting that devastated me. So when I knew I got into the car, once I got into the store, once 98 came, I was, how old I was, 35 or something. And I knew that this was it.

This is the only shot I got of ever doing anything. Right. Never mind being successful. Right. Never mind being Kevin Hart. No, no, no, no. I was just thinking about just telling people, I got a job. It's good enough for me, you know.

That's dope. I remember, like, in college, I went to the college. I went to New York Institute Technology because they had a soccer team that made it to the semifinals of Division 2. And I was like, my sister went there, so I'm going to go there. He's hilarious. Yeah, next time you all switch with you. So I went there to see if I can get on that team, you know? And the first year was terrible because the fitness level of those guys.

And they were English guys, Haitians, Argentinians, like people from all. Like that coach got players from all over the world. Like people that didn't make it end up professionally in England by the time they were like 19. By then it was over. But they were still fucking good in top level shape. And England had, you know, England was into like the, not the skillful player per se, but the robots, strong, fast robot looking motherfucker, you know. And then these players were like not as physical as those British professional players, but they were fucking good. And so the first year was just terrible.

Like we'd do what, like in the morning, the drills were like crazy. Just a running cross country. Just fitness, fitness, fitness. So by the time I got the soccer to do scrimmage in the evening, I got so fatigued. I couldn't even pass the ball to somebody with my shirt on. I just kick it away. Just tired. So then in the second year, I was prepared mentally.

I passed all the fitness tests. and I played my ass off. And then the assistant coach was like, you're going to make the team, right? And he kept on telling the coach who wasn't always down at the field on practice, like Ian's ready. So then that coach, we had to play a scrimmage game, you know, season, preseason game against another team. And I was on the bench. And then he put me in.

And then somebody passed me the ball. and the defense player got it from me and then he subbed me right out and then the next day they had a team sheet for all the players we're going to go on this away trip and I wasn't on that away trip and I was like fuck this shit and I just quit

because I put so much into it and now I know it's kind of premature you know so that's why comedy how old were you then? Back then? Yeah. Like 2021? What the fuck?

did you know they're not sure what the fuck that I know yeah exactly we think the world is over I thought it was over yeah I really really when basketball ended for me I still played on the street yard you know I still playing the school yard but I didn't know what to do I didn't know I didn't want to be one of those guys that transferred because he didn't play at north berg and that shit goes with them people you know if you're not playing at the top night school they don't know right what are you fucking do and I was recruited by st. Anthony's me this dude wiety old donald and lee irwin this big white boy that was six for five bad motherfucker and his first game in the eighth grade eight grade six for five yeah white big strong

but his first game of the season that had played kennedy school there was some jumping porto ricans out there and they broke his fucking ankle oh they jumped on it and stepped on it on purpose and lee erwin went down so wighty ended up me and why they were freshmen and i just didn't And I could see that the kids on the team, they were, like, in pain. Like, the kids that I was tight with, like, Jackie McBride and Whitey. Kids that I've been playing with for a long time were, like, they couldn't figure out why this guy wouldn't fucking play me, man. And I couldn't figure it out.

And, like, two years later, he got drunk at a bar one night and told him. I hated that fucking Coco kid. There was no way he was in a play. He knew he couldn't cut me because he would have got shot. but he knew that and after that he just hated on you just he just he just didn't like me and i still remember being in practices we used to do this thing Cincinnati where it's a fast break drill and brother i stole the ball if they fast break down me 10 times i would steal the ball five times like i was that good you know i was a good rebounder i was a great shooter inside the paint

That was tough, but he just didn't give me any love. And I just decided the best thing to do. I quit two things, bro. I quit them back to back. I quit basketball first, and then I quit karate. So you were doing karate? Once I quit basketball and I started doing the drugs, the karate guys are nice kids.

You know, so for me to do drugs, I couldn't do drugs around them. And what I'm saying drugs, it was smoking pot and drinking boons fog but that's big back then that was big back then those karate guys didn't even like they looked down at that so i was sick and tired of living that double life so i just yeah i was living a double life i know it is a double life it's just so funny to look back at it couldn't i would i would go to their parties like at six and throw a few sidekicks and we would talk about things and then at ten i would go to the fucking drug parties get all two salutes up and they didn't know about it and then we'd

One day I was like I can't hang out with him no more. I'm not doing them. I'm just living one life. I'm just living one life. I'm a party. I'm gonna do my thing. And then I quit everything. That set the pace for me in to quit everything.

Nothing was good enough. Nothing. Every time I got a job, what am I making? 10 an hour? I work two days, I make what? 160? I can make that sound an eight ball. Once you sell drugs, you can't go back to a day job.

You're like, what the fuck is this shit? Right. So I quit everything and it became, I just quit everything. Get quitting. After that, I just quit then. When things got rough, quit. Quit, quit.

And finally, when that go, for me to get anywhere, you got to stick it out. Yeah. You know, it's like when I started selling cars, all the salesmen go with the hot salesman. Ian leaves, and then Ian calls me, and goes, bro, you're not going to believe it. We can't keep the cars, and I go there.

It ain't nothing going on. That's 60 days later, I leave, and I go somewhere else. The 60 days later I go somewhere else And then one day I stopped by my own dealership And out of the 12 guys I started with That dude, that one dude stayed And he's making 200,000 a year Because he stayed, he learned the product

And he committed to it Me, I was going to dodge one month Let's go sell Toyotas, you don't know nothing about the car You don't build no rapport And that's why now I learned to stay with things Because I fucked up so many things And I learned that it's not quitting the big things

as much as the little things. Like every Monday I have a sheet with the shit I got to do. I got four workouts. I got two podcasts. Yeah. I got to do five spots. And you do a lot of shit.

You end up doing a lot. Like when I turn on my Instagram in the morning, I see your morning message. I'm like, how is he doing this? I'm already up. That's what needs to be done. He's like, you're smoking, you're saying something fucking funny,

and you just start the morning off. And I won't tweet the rest of the day. Just let them know they're awake. They could do it. They could do it. Right. The fuckers me. You know, when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, damn.

Right? Don't you wake up and go, damn, I got to go fucking back into that office and deal with those people or whatever. And then you got to kick yourself in the ass. Ain't nobody going to kick you in the ass. You got to go, you know what? Fuck these bitches. I'm going to go in there and bitch slap everybody with my dick today. And that's the attitude.

that gets you into the shower that's the attitude that gets you out of the fucking house and that's it but i did more i was thinking on the way over i did more today than most people doing the week yeah but emails contacting people but no one would think that do that shit you know what i'm saying like just just your your just your demeanor your lifestyle or maybe just just your past like you're a fucking hard worker bro you know what i have to be You have to be. But you know what? You always hustled. What?

You don't work as hard as I do? I know for a fact you do. But I might not think I do. We none of us do. Yeah. Because we don't report somewhere. Yeah. Yes.

We don't report somewhere. Yeah. But, you know, I wake up in the morning at 10 o'clock, all those agents and managers I talk about. I got an email, Jack. Good morning. What's cracking today? That's the first email I send out. I wake everybody out.

All right. And then after I wake him up, I call those bitches. just to let them know the dick is hard and I'm ready to stick it in somebody's ass you know what I'm saying just sending me to that

fucking location I'm ready to drop that fucking bomb on them and it's just it takes a lot to be a comedian and people really have no idea

and it takes even more now than it used to before you just wrote your jokes and if you got a good agent they would handle everything now you you gotta you gotta do everything

Listen, the agents in the old days had 11 clients. Now each agent has 25 clients. Right. You know, they could do some of the work for you, but they can't do it all. And they won't do it all. They won't. Like I said earlier, you have to gather the sticks, gather the moss, rub the sticks together, blow oxygen, and hopefully eventually they'll light the match.

Right. and set that project on fire or that thought you have on fire or that idea you have on fire. But you pretty much got to do the legwork. Comedy Central just didn't give Ari a storyteller show. He went into the fucking little room at the improv where they served no booze. Then he started selling out the bigger room. Then he got the digital. Remember?

He got the digital first. Yeah, it was on digital. That went right to YouTube. And then he got the big show. Yeah. But he had to start that. That wasn't somebody. An agent didn't call him and go, hey, I just was driving to work.

And I got this most brilliant idea. Why don't you should start a storyteller show? They're not going to tell you that. You have to build it from scratch. Look at what Kill Tony's doing. Yeah. Look at what the dude did that you sing. The Rock and Roll Jam.

God damn coming out of him. You know, my man from Baltimore. Josh Adam. Josh Adam Myers did a phenomenal job. Did the show get picked up a kind of. Comedy Central? No, but he fucking sold it. And if he sold it once, that means you can sell that bitch again. And he still does it.

And he still does it. You know, what we all forget was that when I got into comedy, Bill Maher was on Comedy Central. Yeah. Bill Maugh was one of the original shows, were politically incorrect. Comedy Central canceled him, where do you take it to? HBO. No. ABC. Oh, yeah, yeah.

ABC. Yeah. With your boy writing, JP. J.P. Anderson. What's his? K. P. Anderson. K. P. Anderson. I saw K.P. Anderson today. Look at that.

That is crazy. That's my boy, Kee. I've seen it in a year. 30 years. He's been there for me. Questions. When he was a little writer on, we used to go see Bill Maugh. And he was like a little writer for Bill Moore. And he came out and welcome us. You know, but I was curious if you had a writing thing.

Just to help young comics. Is there a system that you use? Is there a certain, like, for stand-up? Like for stand-up. It's like let that marinate a little bit. Let the effect leave. I'm about to throw this water on you. It's getting to think now.

This is going to be a long answer, so you'll probably get hit with a lot more by the end of this. Look at Lee's face. Oh, yeah, he's loving this. Oh, yeah, I'm loving it. Colin ZipRecruiter in the morning. Bullshit. Joey actually blows it over there.

That's hilarious. I had a lot of matchobino. God damn. That's why they don't breathe in the end of him. That shit is drunk. Hey, bitch, you ain't coughing. Because I'm breathing. That little half a fat cough on the way that's it.

Charles Bronson over there. Oh, yeah. Charles Bronson covered his ears. He had good skin when he first came here. He's not smiling anymore. Oh. Good Lord. That is tremendous.

Those are tremendous. That's chardonnay right there. That's how the little skinny Chinese dude that he's 40 hot dogs. That's the kind of tear gas. No, he doesn't even have farts like that. Yes, he does. He's a tremendous.

Get together. Cogsucker. I'm sorry to interrupt you guys. So what was the question again? My mind just got reset. I remember when I was playing tennis with Mitch Hedberg. I said something to him.

I go, Mitch, I called you in the morning. I called you in the morning. You didn't answer. And he goes, I don't pick up the phone from 9 to 11. And he goes, I turn everything off. And I just write, I don't get up. I take a breather. I fuck around.

And then I do it again for another two hours. And I was blown the fuck away. Like I was really, I sat down for 10 minutes. That's why he was Mitch Headburn. I was a bum living off of fucking Ralphie Mann and shit like that, Josh Wolf. It's hilarious. Do you have the same type? I mean, like you said, you just do the two hours before you go to the comedy store.

Like right now, I'm naked. You know what I'm saying? I shot the special in December. I got to get another 45 minutes at least to start feeling comfortable again, like a hot 45 minutes. You know what I mean? Because, you know, people are like, come seeing and you're like, I thought they said he was funny.

They don't understand you're rebuilding. How crazy is that? You know what I mean? I hate that. period that's the war and when you got road dates yeah and you can't keep doing those jokes in the special yeah and you're like what the fuck that's why after you shoot a special just take it all right just stay at the comedy so you know uh jesslinick had some pretty interesting shit he says that he works out the material for a year then he does clubs for a year and he takes that same material into

three theaters that's cool so it takes them three years to put out a fucking special which is a new Wow. Right. And that's respectable. But I've seen people like be selling out. They skip the comedy store part and go straight to selling out weekends at major comedy clubs. And I'm like, how the fuck are you doing that? How is this, these audience receiving these jokes?

Like, it's just crazy to me. The old jokes or the new jokes? The new jokes. Like they shoot the special and then you hear, all right, they're doing a weekend. in Ontario or just wherever the improv is. To support the special. Now I have to write with new shit. Well, here's the deal.

All right. So the whole process changed. Because, again, of greed. Right. Yes. It all changed because of greed. Right. You had two options, just like a band. You either release the album and tour it and not do the same material.

Maybe keep the clothes. Right. You know, maybe you had a really good closure on that special. And you want to keep that closer because getting the closer is the hardest fucking thing. Right. You know, I see that. But, so let's say you shoot the special in December. Right.

In today's world, they're so greedy, they get that motherfucker out in eight weeks. Right. Like that investment has to fucking flourish for them immediately. Right. So they get you out right away. That's what I didn't like. Right. Now you're stuck.

First off, after you shoot a special, if you work hard or you have a heartbeat, you gotta take a week off. You gotta take a week off. You have an idea of what you're gonna say next. And then it's like anything else. For three weeks, you struggle, you eat bag of dicks, those new jokes,

nothing's working, and then boom, you got five minutes. Right. Oh shit, I got five motherfucking minutes. Then it's three more weeks, and you're popping seven. And in that joke you wrote two years ago that you had nowhere to put? And you find it.

You find it. Boom. Now you got 18. Because I got a joke like that. There you go. In my new 25 right now. There you go. That you wrote four years ago.

I forgot about it. I was looking through the old part. There you go. Oh, court, the Bible. All right, boom. There you go. It's so weird how a bit that you wrote six years ago might not work. That's right.

I got to look through your old notebooks. I once a great comedy writer, joke. Comedian told me that if you look through your material before, you go on state all these things increase the percentages of you not bombing yeah they increase the percentages you know looking through your material going scoping through it you know i know for you know dice came in the other day goes look at these guys that they actually think about what they're gonna say you know for a young comic i didn't want them to hear that right i know what dice means by it you know and it's not to get caught up in your material right to go up there and do your

think if the material you got plan B don't get caught up in your material it's just you have some structure but if some shit happens there you go you're ready but that's a part of you're ready to to call an audible immediately if they got three defenders on you on the right and if they're they charge in linebackers at you you got to be ready for the audible you know what I'm saying you got to be ready for friday like a motherfucker and then you know so you know what you're going to say but if you don't get to say it's no big deal it's no big deal it you just have to be that's comedy you know you have to know that going in but you have to prepare i feel like to have the set and but if some better shit jumps off from the audience or if somebody was a crazy laugh that night

or you're saying earlier if the drink falls you know you have to react to those things you can't just be you know and i and i listen to my i i used to my i used to you know i used to to record sets and never listen to them. But since I feel naked now, like, I've just been listening to everything, like, especially if I don't get to do the hour before the set, you know, writing before the set, at least the drive from my spot to the club, I'm listening. And then I'll think of a line that I could add to the thing. And then I've written that day because all writing really is if you add a line a day and it's 365 days in a year you got 365 new things and that's more than an hour you know what i'm saying so it's like just just stay involved with your shit and even when

you're watching your call you're just doing something in the shower shit will come to you because you're just in tune with it you're living it you write it right down and you write it right down because you get you get free shit you try to write Sometimes something might come out, sometimes not. But because you're involved with it, and you fuck around and you just write anything that has nothing to do with stand up. But when you're on stage, shit comes out

because you stretched. You know what I'm saying? You stretched. You're ready to fucking run the race. So then you're up to speed. And your automatic shit kicks in. You know what I'm saying? How much time difference was it

from when you did the C.D. Fricone into this special? say like three years oh so you were way beyond ready yeah i was ready the material was getting stale yeah i was ready material was getting stale like that's why i was like i was going to pay my own money to shoot it in december because i couldn't hold on to that material anymore i couldn't say it anymore i had to at least shoot it and put it in the can and if i didn't sell it. At least it was in the can.

At some point, I could release it. And then I could just move on and go to the other shit and start writing new shit. When did you shoot it? Shot it in December. So it's been seven months? Yeah. Six months, seven months. Yeah. And then by the Boboita.

Yeah. What, no, where is that? San Diego. I remember reading. No, a shot. That was, you know what? That was you mentioned him earlier. That was Brendan Sharp, he did the Bible with there in San Diego. I did Long Beach. What's the fuck? His name is a place. Now I forgot. That's how great

my memory. That's right. You did Long Beach, yeah. Like December something. Yeah. It's Friday night. Comedy Central. Yep. 8 o'clock. You ready to rock? Midnight. Midnight. Yeah. You're ready to arrive. You're going to have a viewing party anything? I didn't put one together. That takes work.

That takes work. You got any dates coming up with these fucking marvelous people could go support you and see you? Yeah. I'll be at Funny Bone in Ohio the week after that. Columbus. Columbus, Ohio. Okay, it was just that great room. Great room.

And then comics in Connecticut, the week after that, this is all in July. And then in August, I got a date. What the fuck is that date? It doesn't go wait a few out. This is coming out Wednesday? Yeah. All right. Go to my website, Ian Edwardscommodian.com.

It'll be updated by then, and the dates will be on the calendar. Ian, like I told you a couple minutes ago, I think you're one of the best comics working. Thank you, brother. I think you're a monologist and a half. You always make me laugh. Thanks, man. And most important, you're a fucking gentleman

and you came in here and you brought some flavor into this motherfucker. I got a lot of white people in here, really. I got to fucking settle the spirits, you know what I'm saying? I want to thank you guys for listening. Do not forget this weekend, I'll be at the Charlotte Comedy Zone. Wednesday, I mean, Thursday,

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