The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #701 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 16, 2019

Joey Diaz talks with Lee about his time in Charlotte, how he views his sets at The Comedy Store vs his sets on the road, and why being content can be positive and negative. This podcast is brought to you by:  ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

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Thank you very much for tuning in to our weekly motherfucking show here. It's Joey Dears and the Christ Killer coming at you today, direct. It's a slow Monday. We got another podcast coming up this week. A couple other podcasts. Boy, Fee, we get on here with you today and keep in touch with you, you motherfuckers, and make sure you're tip-top. McGu.

I want to thank everybody came out to the Charlotte shows. They were fucking tremendous. I mean, you know, just great audiences. From Thursday to Friday to Saturday, you guys were great. So fucking tap yourselves on the back for coming out. We had a great time. I had a great time. I want to thank Brad Lannning and Mike for opening up for me.

Great fucking show. And that's it and that's that. You know, it's funny. We do, you know, two of these a week, fucking eight to ten of these a month. And listen, my philosophy is this. We reach out. We do the best we can, and peace is for it where the fuck they may. I can't.

If I come here and I know I did the best I can and whatever, we made you laugh, maybe we touched on a subject. We did our job, okay? I don't know how the podcast are going to be, and I don't know how you receive them. And to be honestly, it's something that you never know. You could have Jesus Christ on here and not hear a thing, and then do a podcast about frustration

and people are hitting you up with fucking email. else. So I never know. I never know what to expect. All I know is I come in here and we try to fucking talk things over and that's it and that's that. I wasn't fucking around. I wasn't fucking in your neighborhoods. I just saw them fucking driving around before. If you don't have your paperwork correct, stay in mind your business. Listen, I've been to this country what? 53 years and I'm fucking walking around on egg shells today. So I'm not too happy. Changing your last name? No, you don't trade your last name, but you have to look behind you. You don't see me fucking speeding today? Nothing. Nothing.

I don't jaywalk today for the whole week. I ain't doing nothing. I'm minding my business. I'm not even go over Laurel Canyon. That's how scared I am. One minute I'm driving. Next one, I'm in a fucking hut in Texas with 50 Mexicans with masks on and shit. Smelling like shit in that poor fucking place. Jesus

Christ, let them out, will you? They just said, just let them out, give them roller skates, make them go downhill. You got a thousand fucking Mexicans and mixed with Guatemalans and Cubans. And God knows what. is in that fucking cage sweating all dead they got no t-shirts on their fucking feces is around Jesus Christ whatever the charge of shit feces shit all over the

place fucking bird shit just get the door point him in the right direction give them eight bucks tell them if they come back they're gonna end up in syncing and let them go that's worse punishment than fucking keep them in there breathing their own fucking Mexican shit eating peanuts whatever the fuck they got in there no Telemundo and you imagine being in there no Ablo no nowhere to sit fucking, it's amazing what's going on in this country today. But anyway, who gives a fuck about that? The real issues are us right now and how we cope with things.

It's funny, I was talking about frustration, you know, how we all get frustrated with ourselves. You know, listen, first you start frustration on the system or whatever you're lashing out of your boss or your job, and then you total frustration on yourself and it just grows. Okay. So now you get out of the first thing. You have a long talk with yourself. You write down what you need to do to change and you put your plan into action

Now what's next? You got expectations, you know this weekend in Charlotte I learned something I learned that my last year I executed how I want to I stuck to my plan and now I'm seeing the results In Charlotte, I did five shows and each show was better than the last one you in you know I'm honest with you guys I'd tell you when I went to New Orleans I ain't a bag of shit in Columbus I had good shows but in Charlotte for some reason another my energy was right on the execution the material was right on I even got to improvise the beginning a couple shows

because I had some people that I grew up with in the audience and I wanted to explain to them you know how I incorporate all that into my act and whatnot I talked about the number one bus and growing up with the fucking junkies and all this shit But my point is this, you know, last year I got the opportunity to shoot a Netflix special. And you guys were very happy and you guys were very supportive. And I tried to work as hard as I thought I could work. But I did it all wrong. I put different pressures on me from different directions that weren't necessary. But that's not here or that.

The most important thing was what I did about it. You know, when I got on that plane, like I've said a thousand times, when you see these guys lose in MMA, and they're sitting on the mat and they're like, well, he got knocked out. Why isn't he getting up? He's fine. He's hearing a couple birds and shit

and his vision's a little fucked up. He's thinking about the things that he did wrong. That's what that flight was for me. The night after I shot that Netflix special and I want to thank Netflix for giving me the opportunity and everything, I just didn't prepare for it the right way mentally and I fucked myself. That's it.

And it happens in life. Even at the 27-year market comedy or the 26-year market, where I was at that time. I fucked myself. And that's why we live and we learn. You're never going to stop learning if you live every fucking day. If you go for it, you're not going to learn.

But if you live, even if you fail, you're going to learn. And then you can either give up or build yourself up and attack that thing that you had. And that's exactly what I did. I came back and I knew the plan. I knew that the new plan was going to be.

I was going to try to write one line every day, one line, and number two, I was going to try and just perform at the comedy store. For some reason, I'd put a fear of myself about going down to the comedy store and not trying new material. That was all bullshit. Those were excuses I just gave myself. At every level in our lives, you give ourselves excuses. It takes things to smack us to get away from those excuses. So the last year, and you could ask Lee, you could ask anybody, I pretty much stayed at the store. I think I've done three, maybe four spots outside the store when I'm in LA.

The store is my fucking grounded. When I'm in New York, yeah, you guys will love to see me at the cellar, and I go to the fucking danger fields. Why? Because it's the bottom of the fucking barrel. It's the original room. It's eight, ten people, and you've got to work from a different perspective. you can't work from the perspective of your strength.

You have to work from the perspective of your weakness. But anyway, when I came back, I set a plan in motion. You know, I set the same plan up. When I re-evaluated that Netflix performance and what happened and how I led up to it, it also made me reevaluate the podcast. And we stopped with the marijuana, and we stopped at the edibles. It made me reevaluate where I was slipping in a lot of areas.

and we executed it. I stuck to it. I'm only going to the store. I only want to follow Delia. I only want to follow Ali Wong. I only want to follow Sebastian. I only want to follow Bill Burr. I only want to follow Ron White.

I only want to follow Joe Rogan. That's it. Planned and simple. Lately, I've been following Theo. That's exactly where I like it. That's even better for me, a change in energy. Somebody with a draw, you know. These are the things I forced myself to do

Do you know how many nights I'm sitting at my couch at 8.30 And I got to go do a spot at 10 o'clock And I got to follow three eaters. You know what it takes for me to put my fucking shoes on those nights? And you know me, I don't just put my shoes on. I take a whole fucking shower. And while I'm in the shower, I'm actually getting into character preparing to go to the fucking store.

Preparing. Like, that's how seriously I take the store after 22 years. When I go down there, it's to go to fucking war. It's like going to Jackson Winklejohn. It's like going to America's top team. You've been fucking around in your garage for years, and it served you a purpose to a certain level. Now you have to force yourself into that fucking level.

Part of your expectations is forcing yourself. It's not what you want to do, what you believe in. it's forcing yourself. You know, flying fucking sucks. Flying sucks at every fucking level. It's whatever hours of your time going into the unexpected. What's the unexpected?

The plane could go down. They might lose your luggage. They don't have a part. Your flight's fucking delayed. You know what? I love doing comedy so much. I overcome that. It doesn't apply to me.

When I get on a plane, I go fucking prepared. I bring all my shit. So at not one point, do I think about what's going on right now? I'm on a fucking tube that's closed, and I'm flying through the air at 40,000 fucking feet, which is pretty goddamn scary. I don't like doing that, but you do it.

You force yourself to do the things you don't want to do. It's very easy for me to get in my car and drive two miles to flappers, and on the way back, stop and get a fucking donut. And it's even easier for me to go to the fucking ha ha, guys. Guess what? It's even easier for me to go to the fucking laugh factory because all I really got to do is fucking go down the hill, hook a fucking left, hook a right, and I'm right in front of the laugh factory.

I pull up, I get the little valet, $10, and I tell them I'll be out in 15 minutes. And still, I refuse to go to any of these places. Not because they're bad places. Not because I don't like the management. I don't like the club. I love the fucking improv. The improv's have made me who I am work-wise. I work, what, 20 weeks a year at a fucking improv?

But my workout, my home, my true soul, where I get to be a fucking animal and nobody says a word to me about it is the comedy store. So that's how I wanted to train. When I go to the comedy store, I go to the comedy store to be a fucking animal. When you guys go to like,

when I used to root, for example I worked for a company from Monday to Friday and we did flat roofs for anybody knows anything about what I'm talking about there's probably roofers listening to me right now we did flat roofs and we specialize in ballasted roofs which roofs were made from rubber and then you put rock on them to hold them down you have to fledge you know you have to flash all the the pipes and the fucking air conditioners and the heaters and all that shit but basically you lay the fucking thing down.

You put the rubber, you put rock on top. On the weekends, I would go to neighborhoods. I would, because in Colorado, it always hails. I had a wife, I had a kid. I think at the time

as a roofer when I started, I made 600 bucks a week. I was making 15 bucks an hour, whatever times 40 hours a week, whatever that is. Yeah, that's 600. That's 600 a week. I was making 600 a week. That's $2,400 a month. They were paying me cash.

So I was basically making $2,400 a month. So to supplement my income, I would roof on the weekends. And I would roof residential homes, you know, a garage with a fucking house and extension. Now, most people look at those houses, a regular roofing company, would look at those houses and say, that would, if I bid it and I did it, it would take me four days. Well, guess what? Me and another guy would do those houses in two days. We would go up down a fucking Saturday, tear off the existing roof,

fucking take all the nails out, clean the fucking wood, put the fucking new rubber on it, leave it overnight, and the next day come back and put all the shingles on there. I don't know how many fucking square feet and how many packages of shingles they were. I can't remember now. But I know between me and him, it was a lot more than what a whole fucking company would do with four guys in four days. Okay, when I was doing the rubber roofs,

we were doing 40 square yards a day. And we were tearing up also. We were tearing up a 32,000-year fucking double black tar roof. If you're in the business, I don't have to tell you how heavy that is. We would cut it into fucking with a saw into the roof, into like five by five pieces, and two guys would pick them up and put them on a cart,

and another guy would pull the carts to the edge of the roof and throw them off. It was fucking tremendous. I was in the best shape of my life. We would do 40 squares a day. That was my brother-in-law, and the reason why he don't, 40 to some people, you're like, Joey,

how many people would you have on this crew? We had five motherfuckers on this. crew. That's a lot of work every day for fucking four, for five guys. But if you know anything about my brother-in-law and how good of a worker and a roofer he was, we could have probably done 60 squares a day with one extra guy if you would have let him. But you have to space out the jobs. You have to space out the jobs unless you're that busy. He wasn't that busy. It was a one-year commitment on his roof. So we see. said, fuck it, we'll, uh, we'll fucking, uh, you know, take our time on the roof.

My point is that on the weekends, I could have done those rules in four days. I did them in two. I went there to work. I knew that I, I had to finish this by Sunday at seven o'clock for us to get a check because we had regular jobs on fucking Monday. We had regular jobs on Monday at 8 o'clock. So what I'm trying to say to you is when I went on these jobs, on Friday, on Saturdays and Sundays,

I was a fucking animal. We would put the radio on and not even talk to each other. There was no jokes. There was no nothing. We would eat on the run. Like when I went down the stairs, and when he would go down the stairs, he would go, are you hungry?

Yeah, bring up a sandwich. We wouldn't even take an hour for lunch. We were fucking animals. And we didn't give a fuck. It was at different games. Do you understand I'm trying to say, when you work for yourself and when you work for somebody else,

it's two different head fucking spaces. You'll really learn what labor is. So when I'm on the road, it's a different mentality. When I'm at the store, I'm going down there to try new material, mixed with old material, and I got to follow eight fucking killers. When I'm on the road, I follow an MC who's just starting out. He may be doing comedy one to two years,

and I got a feature act in front of me that could be of any denomination. He could be a headliner for all the fuck I know. But when I'm at the comedy store, you see five headliners in a row before I go up. That's tough work. That's tough work. I got to make sure those five guys aren't doing something that I'm doing, something in the same vein. Plus, my job when I go to the comedy store, as much as I don't want to be as honest about this as I can, because I don't want you guys to think, for me, it's a competition.

but when I go to the comedy store, there's 200 people in the original room audience and I go there to do one thing and one thing only. That's my practice. I go there to be remembered. I go in there just the same way I go in there for a comedy showcase. I don't go in there to destroy the room. I go in there so I stick out from the 12 comics

you're about to see that night. Are you with me in a way? So I understand. With the roofing, it makes sense. Like, with a full-time job, they have to space it out. They don't want to kill you. When you're doing it on the weekends, you only have two days. You want to get it done.

I get that. Why is the mindset different in it and are doing a full hour in a club than it is at the store? Because at the store, they're paying $15, and they might not even know I exist. They're coming to see Christa Leah. So right. They might go to see Bobby Lee from Mad TV. They might go see Ali Wong from her movie on Netflix. When they go to see you on a weekend as a headliner,

they go specifically to see you. Right. So to me, who has no experience headlining, to me it makes that you'd want to do more, like you'd want to do better on the weekend because they're coming for you. I want to do good all the fucking time in my world. Okay.

At this 28-year market, I'm doing comedy, it's like the Godfather said, I can't, men don't make mistakes. Women and children make mistakes. Men don't make mistakes. At this level, I know in my heart that it's a percentage game. But at this level, I always want to do the best that I can. At the store, when I go on the road, I have to give you 28,000. dollars to $30 worth of funny. Okay.

Worth of funny. When I go to the comedy store, I go there to be remembered. Got it. So, so do you think that your set might not, not that it wouldn't work, but it wouldn't feel the same as a headline?

Like, if you did what you did at the store. I do what I do at the store for 15 minutes. Okay. When I'm in a fucking room, I'm doing 50 minutes. Okay. So it's two different worlds. Okay. It's two different comparisons.

When I go to the store, I take a headline set, and I eliminate all the fat, and I just give you punchlines. Got it. When I'm at the club, I got to talk for 15 minutes, so the pacing is different. Got it. I try to keep that pace up. I'll have a fucking heart attack than I do at the comedy store. Okay. When I go on the comedy store, and it's 15 fucking minutes, I go up there to kill that motherfucking audience.

Like I just told you, I go up there to be remembered. When I go to the comedy club, I want you to remember me, but I also want you to say, Jesus Christ, I pay 28 for tickets, 10 for parking, 50 for cocktails, 40 for babysitter, and that was a great fucking show. Got it. That was a great show. I always wanted to give them a great show.

When I opened for Rogan, my job per Rogan was for me to destroy the room. That was my job for Rogan for me to go up there and do between 15 and 20 minutes and destroy the room. I had a very good mentor. I put myself around very good people. You know, when I was opening up for Paul Mooney, he would tell me to go up there and level the room. Most headliners do not want somebody in there to level the room. I want the guy in there to level the room. I want the feature act that I bring on the road to level the room,

whether it's Dean or Foco, you know, the skinny chick with the skinny pussy, Kay Quigley or fucking, you know, Matt Voltron or Simone. I encouraged them to fucking level the room. If not, I'd go to fucking, what's the open mic that closed? In Hollywood? Marties.

I go to Marties and take the worst kid and put them in front of me. If I'm going to look like a star. No, I want the guy in front of me to shine and I want the MC to fucking shine. I want them to get every dollar's worth of a show. That's why I like to travel and bring feature acts that I know from Hollywood

because I want them to get more value. I really like bringing women with me on the road because a lot of guys bring dates and the dates look at like they're telling them all about Uncle Joey's crazy and 10 minutes into my set the date doesn't like me I want the date to get something out of the show the girl in front of them was pretty fucking funny got it I want the girl to get something out of the show I just don't want that's why I like women opening up for me because even if they don't like me the girl says well that girl made me laugh got it so I mean

So I guess kind of what you're saying is Whatever happens at the store before and after you really doesn't impact you And when you're on the road, it's like you're in charge of the whole night Mitzi Shaw constructed the Comedy Shore store for it to be a lab For Comics It's a college for comics It's a four-year to seven-year program I just read an interesting article in the LA Weekly

It was published maybe three years ago about the dude who stuck up for the dude who was hitting Mitzie, who's a great guy, he shouldn't be portraying him like this. Anyway, he always opens up the store every night. He's an old guy. Right, yeah. I forget what his name is. I know you're talking about.

And he was talking about how the comedy store is a four, Argus Hamilton, great guy, phenomenal writer. He spoke about how his comedy store is a four. four to seven year education. He's not lying. And that's after you do five years at your fucking neighborhood comedy club. Like, it's not just getting on stage there.

It's the watching, it's the electricity, it's the feeling the vibe. When Mitzi Shaw opened up the comedy store, she created it to be a four to seven year college. In life, guys, what do you do? when you want to make the most output out of something, what do you do? You go to a junior college for a year, then you get into a nice college, and then you want to get your master's or your doctorate or whatever the fuck you want to get,

or your law degree, it's another three years. So it's seven years of your life, no matter what you do. If you join the fucking Navy and you want to fly fucking jets, you still got to get a college education, then it's another six fucking years in the Navy. you could fly fucking jets. So that's 10 years. You've got to be dabbling around.

I may be wrong by two years. But I think if you're going as a college graduate, you're going as an officer. So no matter what you pick in this life, you're going to have to put time in. And when you think about the time, you go, oh, fuck, I'm going to do it and double that. Once you're there, you're enjoying it so much

that you're sitting back and you go, I'm going to get to that level, but for right now, I'm going to enjoy where I am. That's the hard, for me, that's the hardest thing about almost anything. No, I'm not good at that. That's, that's the shit that'll kill you. That you have to look at those guys like Bill Burr, Sebastian, and Ali Wong and Joe Rogan, or the people that you work with in your field of the top notch in your area and go, guess what?

That guy ain't got dick on me. it's just going to take me 10 years to catch up to that guy, but I will be there. And the longer that I've been in this town, the longer I've seen it. What do you think that fucking Theo Vaughn just walked here off the field, off the plantation in fucking Louisiana? Dio Vaughn's been in L.A. a long fucking time.

Kicking it around. MTV, this, that. Dio Vaughan has been kicking it around for fucking years. he just didn't walk off the fucking, you know, Katrina Lodge. You know, Bobby Lee has been walking around as long as I've been walking around. I still remember Bobby Lee, you know, coming up from Sandy Eng. I mean, you guys have heard the stories. This is a journey. You have to look at it and go, hmm, interesting.

I'm not there, but I will be. I will be. What does it require for me to get there? That's where the notebook and paper is essential, where you have to write down that you want to be with that. Do you fucking, guys, I'm a fucking ex-fucking Cokehead. You guys know that. Do you think in my cocaine stupa,

if you guys know anything about cocaine, or have you done cocaine, or if you have a relative that does cocaine, name fucking the word patience anywhere in that addiction. There's no fucking patience in that addiction. That's why you do coke. You're sitting around all day. And even through the cocaine, I had enough logic that I would look at Rogan and go,

I don't know if I'm going to get there. Like I would open up for Joe. When I was opening up for Joe from 2000 to 2010 guys for 10 years, do you guys really think that I had my eyeball on fucking headlining? Didn't? Not in a million years.

Really? I was such a lazy sack of shit that I was pretty content and just featuring for Joe. People would call me and make me headline and I'd headline but it wasn't something that I was aspiring to do. Ten years ago?

I was very happy opening up for Joe. Wow. Because I didn't, listen, I didn't go to Montreal. I didn't go here. I was never included in anything. All I was doing was book and movies. Somebody put a thing on Facebook the other day on one of the church pages

that they can't believe how much TV I've done over the years. And that now when they see me, it tickles them. From Lo and Order SVU to the Meatball King on the kid show to the, I did all the Wizards of Waverly. I did fucking, you know, co-case. I did all those shows on CBS,

and I did co-stars on all those fucking things. And people, scare tactics has been playing a lot lately. Okay. And I did four, I did four or five episodes of scare tactics maybe. They've been playing lately, and people have been hitting me,

oh my God, I got home fucked up the other, and I saw you an episode of scare tactics, so you were, they hid the cocaine in the car, and I had to get the cocaine from the kid. It was me. The episode I taped the other night

because at the other night I couldn't sleep and I woke up and the episode was just about to come on of me and the guy who shoots Tony Montana in the bar and Scarface, who I talked about the story that he was an extra. That's how I found out because I got to work

with him on scare tactics. He owned the garage. Some guy came in for a job. They gave him a job and then he finds cocaine a door panel. So he tells the guy from Scarface, while the guy from Scarface goes to call the cops,

I come in with another bodybuilder guy, and I tell the guy, it's my Coke, we're going to shoot him, and the kid's fucking shaking. Oh, my God. Oh, and they showed the other one when I went into the kid goes, but my dead grandmother,

and I'm like, fuck your dead grandmother. They beep out the fuck, your dead grandmother. It's ridiculous. And I was thinking about when I was doing no shows, it had to be 2002, 2003, 2004. Here I was doing movies, TV, opening for Joe, and I knew the producers of that show. So they would just call me and say,

you available next week? Yeah, we're going to write a sketch for you. So they would just write sketches for me. I would fly from Burbank to Vegas. They would shoot. They would shoot on Thursdays. I would go from Burbank to Vegas on Wednesday. spend the night, get fucking hamlet.

They would give me per diem, like $65 per diem. Oh, shit. I'd buy a half gram of Coke and a pack of cigarettes. And I fucking shoot the next day. And then they give me $65 per diem again. And then they used to be a club in Chicago. And they used to have a direct flight from Vegas to Chicago. Okay.

And I would, Riddles. K.J. Riddles was the name. It's closed now, but Kenny's still alive and kicking. He looks good guys. I bless them. Riddles used to book me for $800 a weekend for four shows to headline. Friday and Saturday? Friday and Saturday.

Wow. And it was fucking king because across the street was White Castle. Oh shit. Next to it was shake and baked. Oh, steak and steak and shake. Whatever the fuck it is. And then down the block was a hotel and had a sushi place. And every time you ate the sushi in Chicago, it's not bueno.

You wake up with splinters in your throat and shit. Oh, my God. And monkey shells and you got a rash. But I would destroy. Then there was a cheesecake place. Okay. Like those sausage sandwiches. Yeah.

That would deliver. And they were fantastic. And I had such a great relationship with them. But I called them as soon as I landed in the hotel. The steak and cheese place? Steak and cheese place. And they deliver a saucer sandwich, you know, the hot beef with the sausage. Yeah.

And the guy. And I would give them an extra 20. He'd give me a couple pills. and $10 worth of marijuana, and he'd make me a pipe out of aluminum fall at the restaurant. Oh, my God. That's how many times I would go to Chicago, to KJ. Riddles. Holy shit.

And at that point, you could see yourself doing that for the rest of your life. Oh, yeah. I was that much of a fucking dead, dead piece of shit. Like, as long as I did cocaine, got a couple gigs with Rogan, got a couple headlining gigs here and there from time to time to make like eight or nine hundred. for the weekend. I'd be happy.

Wow. So you kind of, I mean, I guess patient isn't the word, you were content, but. Talk how? I got no parents. I lost a little fucking girl. I lost a daughter because I was a loser. I went to prison. Where in my

mindset was I prepared for today? I never saw me headlining and people buying tickets in my life. I was lucky enough just to be included. I was content just being a regular at the store, opening up for Joe, doing little spots.

I was very content. It was never really about the money at all. For me, I could look at you guys and tell you, listen, it was such a struggle for years I had given up on money 20 years ago. And I was probably, in those days, I was cracking anywhere from 80 to 100 grand a year. I would bust out of $20,000 deal,

from somebody and the rest I'd make acting and doing stand-up comedy. And the acting in those days, I was getting 1250, 1750. You know, for Spider-Man, I got 600 a day. I mean, there was no money when acting for me. Everybody else was making all this exuberant money. I was a shithel. I got scale on everything, you know, but I fucking worked. So, like, what, when do you think being content goes from,

a good thing to holding you back. Do you think like the line? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. We all get in the comfort zone. We all get in a comfort zone and sometimes life throws you into the fucking lion's cage.

You know, I love to, you know, listen, life threw me into the lion's cage, but one day I got out and I went back into the lion's mouth, put a chair down and sat down. I did it on my terms. There's two different ways you'd go on the lion's cage. You could go into the Lions cage on your terms or on their terms.

Right. We all go into the Lions cage on their term eventually. Okay. And then it's our job to get ourselves out of the Lions cage, go back in there, tell the Lions, shut up, sit down, open your mouth. I'm putting my fucking dick in your mouth. So you're always going to be in the Lions cage. It's your job to get out and then go back there and you set the fucking rules. Right.

I didn't know that either. I didn't know that. You know, I didn't know that either. For years, I depended on comment, but that's a lie, because in 2002, I was doing my own auditions. I was hustling my own scripts. I had taken my hustle as an actor to a different fucking level. That's why when you look at my MDB, you see tons of work. Right.

And there's tons of shit that didn't get reported. Tons of shit that I think about, what the fuck ever happened to that I credit? That's great. So, if you want me to take this, I'll tell you. It's crazy that we're talking about this because I've been thinking about something, and I need to be careful about how I say it. Because I don't want anyone to think of it that I'm ungrateful, because doing this and meeting you has to change my life.

But you said something about a year ago on the podcast that I've been thinking about. You said, just offhand, you said, like, in a year or two, you won't be able to do the podcast. You're going to have to, if you want to do common, you're going to have to go, on the road. And, and, like, the New York trip and San Francisco really opened my eyes to show me what was available. And I, the thing that has been going through my brain the last couple weeks is, am I content? Like, is, I'm nowhere near ready to, I'm not going to make a living being a comic. If I was going to be on the road, I'd be driving Lyft and doing postmates and renting a room for a couple months in a different city. But, just,

You saying that a year ago, I've been thinking about it. I'm like, is it now? Am I, because I am very content in what I do. I do like this. I like getting to meet people, getting to do this, and doing spots around L.A. But when is the right time? When do I go into the, like, Tigers down? It's kind of a...

This is all decision you have to make. This is all. Nobody could tell you. Nobody could tell you anything. One morning you wake up, your two feet hit the ground, you go pee, and you say, I'm going for this, and I'm not looking back. You know, in 1995, I was forced to do something I never dream to do. I never, ever, ever, ever in my life dreamt of it.

I thought I would live in Boulder. Boulder in 1995 was a different community. It was a little small and it was no traffic. And in my world, I could have saw myself dying there. Like, I really could have saw myself dying there. But there was a problem. The problem of Boulder, I didn't have a college degree. So my jobs were limited.

I had the sports betting service that I worked for and they gave me a job, which gave me the opportunity between us sitting here as family, gave me the opportunity. There were guys there making $200,000 a year and taking the summer off. In the early 90s? Early 90s there were guys making $200,000 in that office and quitting on April 15th. and having May, June, July,

often coming back August 15. Fuck. Not bad. They were making $200,000 a year. I could see myself do that. I just couldn't see myself making $200,000 a year. Really? Yeah, like, my thinking was shot.

You know, like I was a felon. I had all these strikes against me. You know, my parents, just I had all this stinking thinking. I had all this shit. This mental baggage that I was carrying that would never thought that I would be one of the top salesmen in there But to get back to what we were talking about I knew in Boulder I really wanted to do comedy

I had failed that everything else or not even failed that everything else there was nothing else I really wanted to do when I it took me a month to make my decision decision that I had to leave Boulder because I was going to end up in jail. I was going to do something stupid. They were going to force my hand and I knew it. I know me and then life throw signs at you. You know, I'm writing that book right now and it's like the sacred heart school for boys I went to was an orphanage. The fucking the fucking street we moved on, given that terrace. Before it was given that terrace, it was given that orphanage and it fucking burned down. We lived close to a cemetery, you know, the girl telling me her mother died in

the eighth grade. All these things were assigned to me that I was going to lose somebody very special to me. I was always around death, you know, and I didn't see the signs because I was a youngster and I didn't like thinking about death, you know, but in life, life gives you signs. The first fucking sign I had was April of 95 when it was I got throwing out of the fucking comedy works I got banned and then maybe you know a month after that maybe like March was when I smacked John in the face and I saw my little girl crying in the car and I got in the car and I and it made me feel good about who I was but I saw what I I didn't want for my daughter, you know, at that time.

I didn't want it to grow up like me in anger and fighting with parents. I didn't want that. So that was the first sign. The second sign was getting thrown out of the comedy works. And then the third sign was, I met a girl. I went on the road, and I met a girl, and she was going to Seattle. And there was something about me that I always wanted to go to Seattle and do comedy. I don't know what it was.

when I asked her where she was moving I wanted her to say Seattle and she said Seattle and I almost shit in my pants number three there were three signs and then I went into the reality of it the reality was I was a fucking loser

and county was the only thing I could do and if I stayed there nothing good was going to happen yeah I might have ended up a local comic and maybe I would open up for the Denver Nuggets and maybe there could have been a lot of options but I didn't see any of them I saw an old future trying to do what I loved and being at war with somebody at the same time right I got in my fucking car and it was the hardest drive of my life I was leaving a place that I lived there for 13 years it was a huge part of my childhood

I had grown up there, I had gone to prison there, got married there. There was so much of an emotional attachment to me being there. But at the same time, I really wanted to pursue this. I didn't want to pursue stardom. I didn't want to pursue Hollywood. I just wanted to let me know that I could stick with something and that I could be a productive member of society. What's a productive member of society?

a guy that makes $40,000 a year pays taxes and doesn't get in trouble. That's all I wanted. And I thought that comedy could get me out of trouble. It pulled me out of Boulder. When I sit here across from you, and I tell you that I've been on a Boulder for 24 years and that I cannot ever believe I found the strength to left Boulder, to leave Boulder.

I could use New Jersey as a comparison in 1983, but who am I kidding? I was forced to leave. I forced myself to leave. Boulder was where you are right now. When you called me from New York, what did I say to you? You're having a good time and I go, you're seeing how normal people live.

Right. You're seeing how you should be living. Don't worry about the money. It all happens. They'll come to you there. This is how you should be living. You shouldn't be talking to Joe Diaz or Steve Simone or these guys

because there's nothing they can do for you. Right. You have to talk to people who are your age and going through what you're going through. When you're at these fucking places, birds and these places, you're talking to people who are trying to be movie stars. Right.

They're not trying to be down and dirty comedians. They don't want to learn the mechanics of comedy. They're trying to cut through. And I'm not saying all those people. No, no. I'm saying 40% of those people here are... 40% of those people are trying to cut through to the fast track to get to a place. I came from a place where nobody spoke about that.

All we focused on was on stand-up comedy. Right. So, yeah, I expect you any day to go, I've been thinking about it, I want to be a stand-up comic, I need to go to New York, or I need to go to San Francisco, and bang it out with kids my age. The natural evolution is I'm married. I have a family. I've been here 22 years.

I have the comedy store. I'm already established as a comic. You're trying to do the same thing. This is a place that you can get established here. We've had 15 guests who have done comedy in L.A. and established here. I think for you would be better to go to New York. You're closer to your mother. New York would be tough just because how expensive it is.

What my... But everybody says expensive. Listen, every place is expensive. Right. Especially when you're doing comic. But $3,000 could be a lot or $3,000 could be a little. Always remember that. That's your choice.

When you look at things, $3,000 could be a lot or $3,000 could be a little. You know, if you have to move to fucking Jamaica, Queens and Uber yourself into Manhattan to fucking, you know, or whatever the fuck, however you want to do it, Uber and then park your car and then take a train, you'll figure it out. When you want to do something that bad that you really, really want to do this, you'll figure it out. You'll figure it out, you know. Everybody has that time in their life when they have to, you know, and it doesn't work for everybody. There's people who are very close with their families. And I appreciate that, and I understand that, and I know where you're coming from.

But there's other people who have a dream, and it's uncontrollable, and they want to go for it, whether it be a dancer in Vegas, whether it be doing theater in New York, whether it be doing theater in Chicago. You know, me, I wouldn't want to be in this market for stand-up when I'm starting out. Right. There's too much unnecessary chatter that you need to hear. And even without that, the thing that I noticed, because I'm very lucky for the level that I'm at, I've gotten to do great shows that most people don't. But it's still limited because there's so many amazing comics here. The shows that I got to do in those two cities are about, I did about a month's worth of shows in a weekend. And so what my thought process was, because like what you were saying about being, like I, this has been so important.

and special to me that I never want to leave here having any issue with you or with the church. That would never be, that's what I'm trying to avoid. But like what I would, I've also only, like I'm 31. I'm going to be 31. And I've only really seen Boston and L.A. And being in those two cities showed me how much more there is. And you've talked about like Texas. I've like, what if I spent a year in Texas?

What if I spent six months in Denver? What if I went to St. Louis and spent three months? You know, I went to New York to do the film. And I saw two people in New York that I was very happy to see. And I let them know it. I let them know it to their face and why. And that was Bob Biggestaff and the girl. I can't think of her name right now.

That's very funny. I did comedy both with those guys 20 years ago in Houston. And they got really stuck. And I'm not saying nothing negative about Houston. It was a good comedy scene. It was a great comedy scene. But a certain negativity went over the scene. And Bob Biggestaff decided to pick up and go to New York.

I cannot tell you how happy I am for him. And if anybody knows Bob, let him know. I can't believe how proud I am. Because I know how tough of a decision it is to pick up and leave. I know it But and there is never a mistake Always remember that There's never a mistake

You left for a fucking reason There's never a mistake You don't You make it work Because your dream over powers the mistake It's never a mistake I could look, use all in the eye And tell you when I went to

Aspen the first time it wasn't a mistake when I went to Denver the second time. Boulder wasn't a mistake. When I left Boulder for Seattle, Jesus Christ, you've heard the stories here. Wasn't a mistake. And when I left Seattle for L.A., even though, even though I was not prepared,

even though I was not prepared for my journey for L.A., I know in my heart at that eight-year mark, I'd put my time in. I'd really, really, really put my time in. but do I look back any of those I'm fucking ecstatic that I went and I made it work when I went to Seattle I went with a girl I was broke but guess what bitch no matter how broke I was I still got on stage six times the first week and I got to Seattle on a Saturday and by Friday I had my first paid gig I let it be known that I was there Monday

at that open mic and I went back there Tuesday and let it be known again. And that Thursday I got a call from John Fox or from me, Moscow, Idaho with Vince Valenzuela. I still remember him. He's still my buddy on Facebook. And me and Vince drove to Moscow Idaho

and did Friday and Saturday. That's how you, a change of scenery invigorates you. You know, it just does something to you. Was I, I have nothing but admiration for the Denver scene that I left the comedy scene there was nothing wrong when I left

Denver because of personal reasons I left Denver because I couldn't cope with a fucking divorce but I knew exactly what my head was comedy wise so when you get up when you're ready to fucking make the move there is no looking back there is no windshield wiper there's no feds following you you make sure there's no ghost following you you put your head down you served your time you did what you had to do and you go I I would never be mad at you. None of these people would be mad at you.

Nothing. Because you're making a move to better yourself. Okay. You know, we've always discussed it here. Lee, you live like a Pavarote. Yeah. You're here, and you go to your apartment, and then you drive a mile to the fourth wall.

I've told you for years that I live in a fucking jail. I live in a four-block radius. I go to a gym. I go to a coffee shop I go to cryo, I go to a weed store and I go to Jiu-Jitsu and kickboxing and I'm back home. Every once in a while I'll go to eat

to get something to eat for breakfast but I live in a prison also. When I went to New York this year it opened my eyes at a lot of levels. It opened my eyes on things I wanted to do and didn't want to do but I'm here and right now I can't think for me I have to think about a family.

Right. So I just can't pick up and leave to go to New York because they're shooting film in New York now. You know, it's a friend of mine today. It's busy as hell on the East Coast right now. I understand, but I can't go home and just take my daughter out of a schedule because of me.

I have to think of three people. You, you're single, you're 30, and you got the world by the balls. It's time to look down and venture or stay here and make the best of your time. No matter what you decide on, if you really want to be a comic, It's time to downsize, take a look at your possessions, and say, this is what I want to do for the next five years.

It's a five-year plan. And in those five years, I'm going to hit every state except Hawaii and fucking Alaska. Right. But I'm going to hit every fucking state. And if I got to do temp work in Idaho, I'll do temp work. If I got to stop in Texas and get on a ship for 30 days, I'll get on a ship for 30 days and unload barges. if it makes my comedy career that much easier down the line, I did everything.

I sold insurance on the phone. I fucking did industrial commercials for AT&T. Whatever made my dream possible. I delivered Chinese food. I sold Coke while I delivered Chinese food. I did construction. You know, whatever you have to do to get your dream going. That's what makes those jobs easier.

That this isn't what you want to do all your life. What about the guy that you're making sandwiches with that subway? This is his life. You know that you're doing it for six months in the Bronx, but in six months, I'm going to be doing all these little gigs around the five barrels. And I'm going to be picking up 50 bucks. Don't give yourself an unrealistic goal and go,

I'm going to be at the comedy cellar every night with Lewis C.K. That's why I was, because I love New York, but that's why I was like, you know what, maybe New York is a couple years away. just because I can see how competitive it is. And I love doing all the spots, but the only person who paid me in New York was Lewis, gave me a couple blocks for each set, and Felipe,

just out of the kindness of his heart, he didn't have to. There's no money. So, yeah, so like I said to you, there's no money. Right, that's not. No money. So, like, I was thinking of, like, all of the other places and just really, really letting my comedy grow. Like, I felt like it would give me opportunity

to have new experience. to draw on. You know why? When you go to a camp, you get so good. Why is it? When I would go to a basketball camp for a week, or a football camp for a week, or you go to a math camp for a week,

you really make a hummage improvement because you're thinking about it for 24 hours. Right. There's nothing else. That's all you're thinking about. I didn't like my experience in New York in 93. I didn't take full potential of my comedy experience

but the experience I did take what I did do I wasn't very happy with I really wasn't happy with just because I didn't get the most of it but I knew I wasn't going to get the most out of me it was I don't like to say the word competitive it was just tough

it was tough you have to bring people you got to meet people you got to know people you got to get up to Brooklyn you got to get up to Queens You got to get up to Long Island You got to go to where the action is The first two or three years And I had too much stuff going on

I had a divorce going on You know, I had a lot of shit on my plate at the time Right So it wasn't going to work for me I had to be hands on I wanted to be a dad That all fucked up and I fucked that up But the main point being

That's what New York is When you want to be a good comic Our biggest example for me is Bill Burke He was here blah, blah, the show went down. He went to New York. He put his head down, and he started at Dangerfield. And that was, you know, a three-year, a five-year plan.

You know, this is a five-year plan. When you join the service, you join for how long? I don't know, four years. I think it's two now. You have a mandatory option to it. I think you have an option to get out after two. But it's four years. Everything you look at, it's four, five, six years.

So you have to look at it. put your head down make the best of your time and know that you're putting in the work every day so there's no frustrations and you got to keep your expectations in the check I can't say to either the year I'm gonna be performing in the main room every people's expectations are fucking out of their minds right and then they put their expectations so high that when they don't hit them they quit altogether now you can quit altogether. No, your expectations should be small. You should have goals. You should hit all your goals every week. Every week is the same. Every week is the same. When I was in Denver,

I had a schedule. Monday, the Australian bar and fucking whatever that thing was close to Wyoming. Tuesday was the Comedy Works. Wednesday was Club 56 and Club 52. Thursday was El Dorado. Friday was a guest spot. It was a two-hour fucking drive, but it was a guest spot. And Sunday was a fucking bar at 8 o'clock that followed a line dancing class in Arvada, Colorado.

And that's what it was. And I didn't miss it for anything. I didn't miss it for anything. I snorted Coke. Yeah, when I finished there, oh, yeah. I did more drugs than fucking Whoopi Goldberg and whatever. But that I did.

I stuck to that every day. If you ask me what I do every week, Today, I do the same shit every week. Monday I lift, Tuesday I box, Wednesday at Moit Time, Thursday I lift, Friday at Jiu-Jitsu, Saturday I take off with the family, Sunday I go to open mat, you know, I ride every day. Any day I don't have to be somewhere at 12. I'm at the coffee shop at 9 writing. Why? Because it's a discipline.

It's a discipline. You got to get out. It's a discipline. You can ride. Yeah, but I can ride in my house. You're not going to ride in your house. You got to get out. You got to get out to invest that time, you know?

All these things are a discipline. This is what, you are your own personal CEO. Everybody wants to be a CEO. You're the CEO of you. You're the CEO of you. Does the CEO do the same shit every day at five? That guy's got a multi-million company. At five every day, he's at the fucking gym, you know?

What does that take? He's in bed every night at 10. He doesn't care if Shirley's going to suck his dick. He doesn't care if Tony's going to fuck him in the ass He doesn't care if the Boston Celtics are playing He doesn't give a fuck if New England is playing He doesn't give a fuck if it's his mother's his wife's mother's birthday He's embedded dead

And nothing changes Nothing changes It's the same shit until you get To that destination Then once you get to that destination You rewrite it Okay I don't need to do this anymore But I still need to do that

It's a constant evaluation and that's why expectations should be attainable just like goals and if you do the work you'll attain them and you won't get fucking frustrated

and that's the formula for the fucking week this week. Like I said this week we have another podcast on Wednesday and Thursday we didn't need to do this podcast that I could have held you off to Wednesday but no I do the same shit every fucking week. Then like that there's no misunderstandings when you sell shit on the phone whether it's insurance or stocks or

bonds you have a script okay i'll leave you with this you have a script you get comfortable with the script and you become the sales in the month and then one day you go you know what i got smart i'm not going to use the script no more and you don't use the script anymore and your sales go down And you go, what the fuck did I do? Why are my sales going down? Because you went off script. Your life has a fucking script. From Monday to Sunday, you should have a script.

And it's, I don't, you know what? I know it's boring. I don't know you really don't like doing it. But it's the same shit every week. For you to look up and go, in five years, I'm going to be where that guy is. This is what you need to do in five years. And guess what?

You probably won't be where that guy is. in five years. That's the joke. But then you'll reevaluate and go, I'll be there in three years. And I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing just a little fucking harder. And that's it and that's that motherfuckers. Okay. Do not forget July 27th, I'm doing the working out with Uncle Joey at the Ice House. And then August 9th, I'm at the Lincoln Theater in Washington, D.C. There's still a couple tickets left. The Borgata on the 10th is all sold out. I'm only doing one. one show because I got a bunch of family coming down real quick before I get out of your fucking hair I want to thank our sponsors number one being on it been there for us for

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And you're 10% delivered right to La Caza. Number two, I want to thank ZipRecru. Listen, it's hard out there hiring people. You and I both know it. Hiring is challenging. But there's one place you could go where hiring is simple, fast, and smart. A place where growing businesses connect qualified candidates. That place is ZipRecruiter.com.

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I want to thank Audit, but most importantly, I want to thank you fucking savages. for having our back always and forever. I'll see you guys here Thursday morning. Tip-top, motherfucking Magoo. Ready to go. And don't forget, the 27th at the Ice House on a Saturday night 7.30.

Zip, zip, you're in and out of there. And then all I got left is August 9th at the Lincoln Theater in D.C. I'll see you motherfuckers there. Stay black. Have a phenomenal week. And I'll see you guys Thursday morning. Love you. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart, some somebody twice as smart as I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me, who'll leave you.

to learn that misery loves company wait and see I want to be around see how he does it when he breaks your heart two bits let's see if the puzzle fits so fine and that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet as I sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart

like you