The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #704 - Brendan Schaub

Episode Date: July 26, 2019

Brendan Schaub, former UFC fighter, cohost of "The Fighter and the Kid" and "The King and The Sting" podcasts and host of "Below The Belt" on Showtime, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Policy Genius - Policy Genius helps you compare and find the right home, auto, life or disability insurance for you.     Vincero Watches - Get yours at Vincerowatches.com and our listeners get 15% off and worldwide FREE shipping when you use promo code CHURCH.

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especially if you hate getting life insurance. Lee, take this motherfucker mule. The Revolution is televised. Oh shit. Thursday, July 26, 25th. It don't matter, motherfuckers. I see what's happening. I can read between the lines, slime, slime.

The church of what's happened now. Brendan Shobb, the Christ killer. Your uncle Joey Diaz. It's always a fuck, motherfucker, pop of that weak shit. Thub, thumb, internet gase is not on no street shit. Where we come from, we don't fuck with no holicist. We pay that salary and they pay us back with this street. Men, not need this.

Dandre gland hanging in the same. Or what? Mom, put me on hell. Now they get nervous when niggas in Ferguson, get the pump in the trunk, bust back, and try to service them. Let's turn the table by some brawlers in the mall. Brendan Schaub and the motherfucker. What's up, brother?

What's up, my man? Love you, man. Love you, too. You look great. What's going on? How's the baby? The baby's good. You got another one coming in November.

How old is your son now? Three and a half? Three and a half. That's fun. It's fun. He's a critter, though. Day camp? He's in like a summer camp right now.

He's in like pre- preschool. Good. A couple hours. where he learns to hang out with other kids, his mom a break. Potty train them now, though. It's a bees, man. They come home filthy.

It's tremendous stuff. It's great. It's great. It's amazing when you see the evolution now, they pick up shit on their own. Then one day they'll tell you, Daddy, you don't need to go in the bathroom no more. My privacy.

Your heart just breaks. Your heart just breaks. Like, Daddy, get the fuck out. He's also, yeah, he's either going to be just a badass athlete or a serial killer, because he does certain shit. Like, when you're potty, train you gotta get rid of everything you gotta make him realize like when he takes a shit

all right you keep doing that man we're gonna take your shit away so we've been taking toys been taking his iPad taking all the stuff then the last straw is he has this like um we call a yaya but it's like a pass fire he's that since he's one day old and he only gets it every now in them but it's his that's his ride or die it's a lion he's obsessed with it and that my girl goes my girl's fucking not mexican nazi fucking she runs a tight ship i don't agree with all it she runs a tight fucking chip. She goes, if he shits his pants again, I'm going to take that yaya, I'm going to throw it in the trash in front

of them. I went, oh, it's going to be World War III. You do that. That's his shit. Yeah. And so he shits his pants. I went, I looked down, I went, damn, dude, you messed up. And I go, my girl smells it. She goes, that's it. All right, Tiger, that's it. She opens up the trash can, grabs his pacifier, goes like this, and he

comes over, and I see him like, look in. She drops in the trash and went, oh, there goes my night. It's going to be World War fucking three. He just looks at both of us and goes, I have others. God dang. Gangster. I had to turn around

because I was laughing. How tough is she on? Oh, Spanish woman. The only reason why I picked the daycare, we went to like six daycares and they were all nice and shit.

Some of them had goat cheese. Some of them gave a fuck. Soybeans and shit. Yeah. Tofu. I walked into one. I saw two Spanish women. I looked at my wife

and I looked at my wife. This is what I'm going to have. This is it. And these two Spanish room and don't plan. I try to explain to my own. about the Spanish culture. Your girls, what ethnicity?

She's white as can be. Oh, I didn't know that. Somebody not thought your girl was... No, no. I like my white girl's nice pale with dirty feet. All right. I got to have dirt. You like the Venice feet, bro.

Yeah, I don't like... You know, I love all women. Yeah, pretty much. But I always liked Irish women since I was a kid. But the other day, we went to a party about a month and a half ago. We got out of the car. My daughter goes, look, it's Carlos, a friend from the school. And Carlos' mom was...

there with another little baby. And Carlos just happened to walk in the street to say her little mercy. There was no cars coming on nothing. And she goes, Carlos, Carlos kept walking. That peda to mean, wait. And this bitch said, Uno, dos!

And that kid knows what's up. And the kid, three is it. It made me nervous. And my wife looked at me, and she was like, holy shit, I go, I told you. Oh, bro. Spanish moms give you what, they got a short fuse, and then shit starts flying.

Oh, dude, it gives me chills. of my spot. When Mike can mess up, and I'm like, I just look at, I'm going, dude, your mom. You know, no Spanish. I don't. And she speaks Spanish. When she starts slang Spanish, he understands Spanish better than English.

I don't know what the fuck they're saying. All I know is he's screwed. When she starts slanging that Spanish and he understands it, he gets tears in his eyes. I'm like, dude, you know he fucked up, right? I talk to my daughter a lot of Spanish because she won't want to talk it now. But as she gets older. She's going to have a Spanish friend now.

She knows what I'm talking about. No, my son understands Spanish better than English. He speaks both. He's fluent, but he definitely understands Spanish better. And then his nanny only speaks Spanish to him. His grandma who watches him only speaks Spanish. He only gets his English from me, TV, and then when he goes to school. But he understands it all, man.

You love being a dad? Nothing better, brother. Nothing better. When you do that last show, explain to people. when you do that last show on Saturday night and they put the check in your hand that all you give a fuck about like people are calling you

that's cool for a drink there's a woman giving out blowjohns on Main Street and you're like that's all fine and dandy but all I can think about is get on that plane gotta get home that kid on me get the fuck home to the kid I'm sorry I know you've made plans

I'm not kind of McGregor I'm not showing up to the VIP after party yeah I don't hang out as soon as they get that check the weekend is over all I'm thinking about is coming home to my fucking child. And are you old school, Joey? Like I, uh, some, some comics will have, you know,

the, the check wired to CAA or their agency, and then they get the percentage. I need the physical check like I'm from 1983. I want my money. Give me, I want the physical check. Because when you wire it, I don't feel like I get, I want my money. I need, as soon as I get out stage,

I need the manager hand me the check. I'm like more reason. I want my money. I want my money. I want my money. When you shoot a movie, This is something for young comics and actors to know. You get to L.A., you're hungry, you're starving, an agent signs you,

you go to a commercial agent, they sign you. And while you're signing, you don't realize you sign a piece of paper that says that all their checks go to the company first, and then you get a check in the mail. Well, by law, theater and television, movie and film is 10 days. 10 days you should have your check If you're a screen actor's guilt performer If you're a screen actor's guilt commercial actor

Commercial checks are 30 days Okay But in reality let me tell you what happens They get the check four days later 100% The commercial company sticks the money in the bank And they save it for two cuts later Then they mail you the check

And you get the five day travel They'll make it 32 days But they have your money What I do is when I do a movie, TV, anything, I rip that paper up and I give it to the people. When they look at me and go, but if this has to be this way, no, I get the money and then I pay the commission. And because they work for you. They work for me. So a lot of young comments and actors don't know this.

Remember, CAA works for whoever, WME, they work for you. So the check comes to me and then I'll pay them the commission for sending up the gig. I don't want to know. Not opposite. No, give me my fucking, and I have to have it. I'm very, like, when people contact me now, again, and, you know, a lot of people are going to listen to this and go, Joey's a dick.

No, I'm not a dick. I'm going to tell you this story. Somebody calls you and says, hey, I got a gig for you, pays $500. And you take that gig, and also you get home and your check bounces, you've got to go through a process. When you have an agency, you just call the agent and go, hey, the check bounce, go do your job. and hang up the phone.

And that agency will sue them. That agency will fucking mock them. They won't. They'll cancel all their talent. The talent. So now people call me. And I'll go, hey, man, I got this gig for you. It pays this.

And I go, you got to call CAA. And they're like in shock. They're like, well, can't we do it off the books? I go, nothing. Nothing with me is off the books. Everything runs through CAA. Some guy approached me a month. They go, I have a movie for you.

I can give you this amount. I go, go through CIA. Because I really didn't want to go through an agent. Then I go, you're, really not real. No, you're not real. You're not real. Because you know CA's not going to play no shit.

No. They're not going to. Any Asian. Coloring book, Daniel Hoff, fucking innovative. I rather them go through them. It's like a fact. Listen, in my world, I give you $10,000.

You want to pick up a kilo. If you get mugged on the way there, Brendan, as much as I love you, we got to set up a payment plan right now. That's my 10 G's. You got beat up. They broke your arm. Next time bring new chucks.

I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Yep. But that's my 10 G's. which I found out I'm sure I can tell us to I have a good buddy who's in the dark side of business and he got pinched and he was telling me I go you were talking about it and he goes I'm in for let's say a million he goes I'm in for I'm in for I got pinched in for a million I go oh not that big of deal he goes no no no so the government takes that right I have to pay them a million but that stuff that I was responsible for that means I get to make two million because I got to give that I got I get that money back to these guys who I was pushing the ship for. So it's going to cost me two million. So I had come up with something to get two million. I was like, damn, you live a crazy life my mom. So that's why

he was stressed. Yeah. Now you're responsible. You know why, Brendan? Because when I was really hungry, I don't know how many times I came home put a check in the bank went to fucking get a sandwich and the check bounced. I can't tell you. As a matter of fact, to be honest of you,

it got to the point where I would tell people cash. There's a fucking famous story. And we're best friends now. Joe Malash is Gabriel's manager. We're best friends. I love Joe Malash. Gabriel, his manager.

He's great. One of the best guys in the business. And Joe used to book Bakersfield, theaters and stuff. And one night, you know, it was Valentine's Day. Joe calls me a five. And he goes, I got this gig. Somebody canceled. It's 500 bucks.

Look, 500 bucks in those days to me was... How long ago is this, Joey? This is 2,000. one. There's my, me and my girls first Valentine so the deal was

I said to him on the phone at five I go, I'm going to take the gig. But when I get up there, it's five Benjamin Franklin's. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get up there, I do the show, this motherfucker gives me a check and I threw it back at him. And this is when I was

me deep in a G-bow of Coke a day. I already called the drug dealer and told him I was coming up the way down with the balance of his check.

with the 500 cash. He went to give me a check and I threw it at him. And I attacked them. And they had to separate us. And the headliner goes, forget it. I'll give you the five out of my pocket. The headliner gave me the five and he kept the check. And for a long time, that was a running story.

And now we're best friends. That's great. I apologize. I had to. But that's how serious I was. I was to the point, well, listen, why you give me a check? Have you ever had any gigs where they just didn't pay you, Joey, when you're coming up? Obviously, not now.

Good luck with that now. I had gigs where people try to run game. Brendan, I'm going to give you $500 to do this theater and a plane ticket. And then the theater is three-quarters pack. And when you get the hotel, you at the gig, I'll call you in the hotel room and I'll pay you then. And all of a sudden, half-hourly your door knocks. And they open up the door and pretty soon they're telling you,

man I got to tell you what happened the radio money they wanted all their money up front so I know I told you five I'm gonna give you four but I catch on the next one that was happening a lot like and that was tough to explain it was tough to live with but I had no I needed that for a hundred bucks yeah you and then what happens is there's a day that you go no I'm not taking those no more and you have to stick to your word even if you're starving on principle if you're hungry I had a situation eight years ago, right before I met Lee, right before this whole thing started, I was doing something. I was doing a podcast with Felicia, and I started getting a little bit of heat.

I was selling 100 tickets a show, and I got a call from a guy one day. He goes, hey, I'll give you $200 to come up and do the show. When I get up there, he was charged in 25, and I was the guy from the longest yard. Oh, hell. And BIP greeting me, you know. And I'm like, and I did it. And on the way home, I go, this guy pulled the quick one on me. So he called me three months later.

He's like, let's do it again. We did great. I go, yeah, you did great. Now the dough, now the dough is 80% of the door. This is before an agent, anybody. I was in no position to ask for 80% of the door. I go, it's 80% of the door. And he goes, all right, I got to get back here.

I got to talk to my part. So I talked to a friend of mine, Rick Ramos, and Rick Ramos goes, what did you tell that kid? He says you get a little bit too big for your britches. And I didn't say nothing to the kid. Well, once this revolution started, I saw him at the store about three years ago. And I went up to him like a man. I go, hey, I haven't seen you a while.

You got five minutes? I go, you remember when I did that gig for you for the small 200? Yeah, yeah. And I go, remember one? You called me the next time? And you said 80% of the door and you said I was getting too big for my. britches I go no I wasn't getting break from my britches but this was the result yeah that's what I would because I started turning down shitty gigs because of

waiting yeah you know in 2007 there was a strike in this town I used to work on a movie once a month or a TV show people would just call you hey we're doing tomorrow Brendan I got a scene it's a jailer it's you and fucking Tony soprano yeah two two minutes I'll give you eight hundred dollars I would do all those but then when the strike came I started getting YouTube movies is that the rider strike you talk about? Yeah. Which riders make the world go around, by the way. Yeah, there's nothing without them.

Yes. There was a writer strike, so when they came back, a lot of work went away to different other countries, like Canada started shooting and, you know, Virginia, so got away from here. So every movie I shot from 2008 to 10 was a $100 a day movie. That means you've got to bring your own clothes. Since it's a $100 a day, you're a strip club owner.

But I'm not going to let you shoot in the daytime. So you got to go in there when they're closed. It's 2 in the morning. Now you're up all night for what? And you were just doing that to pay the bills at the time? At the time, I was doing that for supplement. You got seven forms income. You know, you got stand-up.

I had my stand-up. I had opening up for Rogan, and I had film and TV. That was my stream of income. So I would get my own work. I would open up for Rogan from time to time. And then I was doing movies. And one day I go, I went right over here to the No-Hole dinners. Some guy took me out.

I want to do this with you, do this with you, and it's a series, a mini-series. And like, who else is in this day? They told me all these bums and losers that were in it. The guy that was next to me was only in it because his brother-in-law was putting up the money. That type of shit. And I went home, and I made a constant choice. I said, I'm not doing those no more. You're done with it.

For a year, I kept getting calls. And there were like 500, 300, $300,000. And I would go, I'm not doing it. And finally, one day I got a call to do the Stallone. De Niro movie and I go this is what happens when you stick to your guns Yep You have to stick to your guns

Yeah, no is a powerful word And just so the list there's no too Whenever, especially with TOR He's been in the business so long Joey gets me more advice on touring And where to go, where to say no Than anyone I know Why not? Because

Yeah, you're great doing that. I watched, I sat here and I watched 20,000 careers go down to two and for all different various reasons. I saw careers go down because of drugs. I saw a lot of careers go down because of wrong management. And I saw a lot of careers go down because of the hustle. The shuffle is Lee Syatt.

It's got a great 20 minutes. He goes to the improv one night, a certain agency and management scene. They get him a Montreal showcase. Lee Syatt goes to Montereyat. goes to Montreal, they give him a half million dollar deal, he's going to do a show, he's been doing comedy three years. What shows are you going to give you?

Oh, I come from a Jewish house, my mother smacked me when I was four, you know, the show don't go. Lee gets $250,000 after taxes and his commissions. But now, I send them out for four things, he don't book them, and guess what? He ain't selling tickets. So now you go to the bottom of the power of the agency. Now it's Lee's decision on what he's going to do. Does he pack up and leave

Or does he push through and do stand-up And forget about the TV show Yeah You know, they had those people for a while That were just putting you through a tomato grinder And these people, out of all those And half-million-dollar deals, A lot of them are gone now

They were going to be stars Because they got pushed through a thing My utmost respect for Joe Rogan Isn't his podcast, isn't his MMA skills, is none of that shit When I got here in 98 and 97 and 898 and 99. Joe was on a show called,

I learned a lot from Joe Rogan. He was on a show called News Radio. Huge show, by the way. Table read on Tuesday, blocking on Wednesday, blocking on Thursday. They shot on Friday. The shoot started at 6 o'clock at night. Joe Rogan's name would be on the list

every one of those nights. He would go from NBC straight to the fucking studio. There was nights that, you know this, to shoot a TV show, and then have to go do a $15 spot. Nightmare. So when I saw that, I learned a lot from Joe that a lot of people didn't learn.

No matter you're in a TV show, you still got to flex that muscle because those people that started with you, so me, Brandon and Lee started a month apart and we're Goombas. And we move here together and we're doing everything together. We got a house together.

You're a regular at the improv. Lee's at the Laugh Factory. I'm at the comedy store. Lee gets a deal. TV show for a year he looks down at us you stiffs are still doing stand-up all of us and at the end of the year

at least TV show gets guess what we're like Charlie we're in the bush we're in the bush like Charlie you're out fucking around remember when Apocalypse's not he goes Charlie's in the bush

you were too busy going to the will turn to hang out with Mike this guy and you know you didn't do stand-up so now your TV show show goods canceled and those two roommates are yours are a fucking head and a half ahead of you a head ahead of you but that's the thing but a lot of comics too not this day and age but back especially from a while ago a lot of them were doing stand-up to get movies and tv right but now it's really

not that way is it like no matter what let's say now that you would let's say something ridiculous on here or on an interview on tv you're doing press you say something outlandish they can't take stand-up away from me. They can't take this podcast away from me. They can't take nothing. There's nothing you can do. Nothing they can do. You know, iTunes could ban you, YouTube could ban you. But whether there's a will, there's a way for you to get your message out or your voice out. Stand-up, you never stop. Stand-up is your three times a week, four, five, six, seven, because you're only going to get better and better. Your comedy gets better. Your writing gets better. The people that don't sell tickets today, you know, David Tell is funny than he's ever

been no it's one of the greats if he was funny 20 years ago can you imagine what he's doing now yeah Louis CK those guys were when I was a feature act those guys were already had my thing about Bill Burr he took him a while then the Philly bit comes out though it wasn't big before that but that Philly bit comes out and then just but it's a time it's time yeah stand-up is like M.A you know I know you shot a special yes sir and I know you got a lot of shit from a lot of people you know You made me laugh with the special. I was very proud of you.

Thank you, sir. Three years. Yeah, it's insane. I told somebody, I go, I'm 56 years old. What if tomorrow the UFC called me and said, Joey, we want you to fight Dennis Siever. Because nobody knows how old Dennisiever is. We have no idea.

That guy. Well, I mean, he's not around anymore, but that's a great reference. He was a janitor in Auschwitz. Yeah. Throwing spitting kicks down the hallway. They made him, he was old enough to. sweep the joint, like, Hitler was dead already. But you can tell, like, he did construction at Auschwitz.

You know, you ever talk to him? He's like, that, that, that, he's crazy all the way. He's a Nazi from day one. You were see when he got in trouble for having, like, the German Nazi-themed shirt? Yeah, no shit. What do you think he's doing? I think you jinxed him running. You say something crazy on the podcast.

Dennis Hevers of a Nazi way back. No, he's not around him. It's well documented. He's a great guy. He's a Nazi. We don't know that. Yeah. I know he has a great spinning kick, Joe.

That's about it. Yeah, but when he spins kick, he leaves the Hitler handoff. Did you ever see? Like some people use, when you do a leg kick, your momentum comes from the arm, right? When he throws the thing, think of his spinning kick. He opens up with his eye hitler, with his eye hitler, which gives him the momentum to throw that spinning ball around that. Powerful, not to heal kick. Oh, that motherfucker doesn't even have a burst certificate.

It's just, and then what do they give you the swat stick with that? SSR or something like that. Let's say right now you call me up. We go, listen, we don't know how old Benisiever is. Just drop down the 265. We're going to let you fight them. Drop down 265. He'll fight you at any weight, but you gotta be 265.

You can't be bigger than Roy Nelson. You gotta fight at 265 and you have six months to train. Yeah. No smokers. No IFL. You know, you were thrown into the weeds of debt, my friend. Oh, that's my entire career. And I love that about you.

They picked you up one day and they said, you're going to overlap MC and feature and just start a headline. Well, I can see how you think that, Joy. But it was a little different than that because, remember, I was on the road with Callant for four years. Okay. So when most guys were doing open mics, I was doing 15, 20 minutes.

I mean, you're talking for four years with Brian Callan opened up doing our live fighting the kids. How are you feeling that on stage? I mean, you know, you're new. But that was in front, you know, my first stand-up ever. My open mic was in Braya, Ontario, sorry, Ontario, 600 people sold out. So that was my first open mic. People go, ah, that's your crowd. It's my crowd, but 600 people expecting a show.

So you're a crowd for like two minutes. It's my crowd. Yeah, at first, like, oh, they're shop from the podcast. Well, you know how it is. That's fucking pivot. After three minutes, yeah, that's a guy from, you know, entourage. Yeah, no, but they're there to laugh.

So after two, three minutes, you got to do your shit. So I was throwing in this training camp. You know what I'm saying? So my open mics were torn, torn, torn with talent. Tickmander's Wing, torn, torn, torn, torn, torn. And then I do a live, find a kid at the comedy store. And then they go, man, we'd love you to do a set in the belly room.

And then it just starts going from there. Then I'm doing, you know, shit spots in the belly room. laugh factor i'm doing an armenian night stuff like that and then i think three like two years into that and then uh you're armenian no but they thought i was i think that's why they invited oh you were training over there with abou dhabi and fucking uh the head movement with uh yeah yeah ronda's uh yeah yeah yeah devorking what the fuck it is but then uh and then driving uber by the way makes sense you pick me up yeah uber comfort uber comfort he's an uber comfort.

Did you know I trained for the last? Yeah, so I'm doing that. And then Ari's show on this is not happening. I mean, they had auditioned or something at the comedy store. And Justin, we have... I was there. I was there. Yeah, I loved it.

Yeah, I remember you're like, yeah, you're like, this is good. And then I did that. And then they went, I remember Comedy Central, whoever's running it, because Ari was already out. People think Ari was like, oh, shop, be on the show. That's not how it went. They had those auditions. happened that one and then you you liked it i may already ask you to host right right and then they went we'd like it but it's just it's missing something so i kept working on work on it then

they had another audition for it did it then again we like it we like it it's missing something and i'm trying to figure it out and bert christher i'm forever in debt to bert christher i fucking love that guy with all my heart bert uh has me on his podcast and then uh some he said oh someone was telling about the story you did on this not happening. Tell it to me. Just tell it to me. Don't just tell it to me how you're doing. I tell him and then he's like, man, you ever thought about this or what if you put this here? What if you put this here? I'm like, man, that's really, I didn't think of it like that. He was, think, I want you, don't think of as a bit. Think of it as a story. It's after story. Yeah. And then so took the notes from burp, went back in the drawing board,

Tommy Store, Laugh Factory, Improft, bombing, right? People don't know who I am there, bomb, bombing. Then I get that final, uh, this is not happening. There you go. And then I got that then I got that and then just kept kept kept on keeping on then but all the all it stems is the the showtime special everything stemmed the the rock is that is that is that bit that I done this not happening because I toured with that for whatever three and a half you know four years how is the walk through the walk down the path to fighting compared to sitting in the back waiting for your name to be called Is there any comparisons to that feeling?

Not really. You're going to get points in the face. No, people think there's, I mean, you're talking fucking apples, avocados, man. I mean, in the back, I could train as hard as I want. I got all my fucking teas. I'm sorry, dot my eyes crossed my teas. I'm ready to go. But the guys I'm fighting are world-class, man.

Those motherfuckers are pretty good. So no matter how good I am, that guy might be better that night. And I'm fucking terrified. Even though I'm in the best shape of my life, I'm ready to go. We got the game plan. I do something's better than him. Shit happens. In comedy, I mean, you've got to try new shit,

and you're going to bomb some nights. But in comedy, if you do it long enough, you keep going, keep going, you're working on your work. You can come up with 15 minutes that, in general, you know that you pull that ace out of your fucking back pocket. With any crowd, it's going to be pretty funny. In fighting, there's no, I'm not pulling out. You know that magic that went off on the bagel shop.

Yeah, right now they want them to fight people. Like a look at you in the face and tell the viewers for sure. If you contacted me and offered me a million dollars to fight that midget, I'd have to pay somebody 200 grand to push me down. I don't know how people do that. That walk to the octagon. It's the most terrifying thing, Joey, in the world. And that camera in front of me, I would not. Picture this, Joe.

The fuck out. Get that camera out of my face. Joey, picture this. So you're warming up in the back. And I was fortunate where I was fought, I guess fortunate, but I was had to wait. So let's say it's a 7 p.m. pay-per-view. All my fights were pay-per-view, at least main slots.

I never went early. So I had to sit in the back in my fucking joggers while you've seen a guy come in after. And then you can see him before going, this is my moment. They go, get knocked the fuck out, come back to the locker room. And you're just like, oh, man, all right. And so you're waiting. And then your coaches go, all right, you're six fights away. Let's start warming up.

And then you start warm up. They wrap your hands. That's what he knew it's real. And then what I would do, I'd always look at the lineup. And the two fights before me, if they were smaller weight classes, I'd know typically it's can go to decision. So I get some time. I got 30 minutes, five minutes between each fight.

So I got about 45 minutes to warm up. I'm going to be good. If it's heavy weights, middle weights, or light heavy weights, better have your shit ready because someone can get knocked out pretty fast. So you have no idea what's going to happen. Wow. So I'd always like, okay, I better start warming up a little harder, a little harder. and they're just pacing back and forth

and then you know it's like what I'm what I'm doing God what am I doing this is awful this awful and then fire in the hole Shab you're up and then you're walking it's just like and then it because it's his team there there's a huge black curtain you're walking through the arena it's so it's so lonely it's so fucking cold man and there's a black

curtain and usually their team would be in front of me there and they're all talking he's nervous pacing back and forth and then you're just there like here we go man here we go and then He walks out his song plays. You hear him talking shit about knocking you out. And then the black curtain closes, and then the camera's in your face.

And then your walkout music hits. And then you start walking. Hit that crowd. I would have a heart attack. Like I would probably, when I look at the line up right now talking about it. Yeah. When I look at the lineup, when I saw my name, I would call a friend and go Lee. It made me around the back of 10 minutes.

But I can't get in. I don't give a fuck. Tell him I had an emergency. And I would tell coach, coach, I got to go to back. I got that shit, cut these hand things off. Oh, there's a fighter. I won't say his name. I would run out of there.

We had the same manager. I won't say his name. Not that famous of a fighter, but a fighter who, before a fight went, I don't want to do this. And the coach is like, what the fuck you're talking about?

You have to do this. And he goes, now I'm good. Cut my fucking wraps off. They went, you have to, you signed up for this. You have to do this.

You went, I don't want to do this. They talked him into it. He goes out there, you know, kind of just half-assed it and then got hit with the body and left.

But they were telling, like, if you don't go out there, you're, you're ruined for the rest of your life. Your reputation of kids. You're just going to be that bitch who didn't go out there, man. But that goes to everyone's. I don't give a fuck who you. Unless you're John Jones, who's just a assassin or maybe con or someone, or Nate Diaz or Jorge Mazel. No, there has to be fear. There's always got to be a little fear.

But I don't think any one of them go. Because what I would do is when we're in the bus driving there and you're in traffic in, you know, I thought in New York, in New Jersey. Jersey I fought in Anaheim and we go by these people I just stare out and think of everything I'd rather be doing I'd watch someone walk down the street and I'd go I would give any amount of money to be that person walk right now not have to fucking do this Well it blows my mind a lot of fighters talk about taking naps in the locker room before their fight Because you get drowsy because the adrenaline's so high You don't sleep during the week I get tired doing stand-up me too me too I got to do a secret Joey D is secret here

we go I do a four-shot espresso before I go to the comedy store four-shot Cuban espresso yeah but isn't that a little bit different than then then about to go fight like I would think no wow fear is fear when I go to comedy when you heard the story when I had to follow Megan Mooney Megan the cute girl that goes to the comedy store the writer from Bisby and I went in there and I fucking got an anxiety attack I went to Paul he did oh my God when was 18 months ago. Wow. I get to the comedy.

I love tennis. You know that little run up the fucking original room stairs? Yeah. I can do that 20 times, even though I'm a fat fuck. One day I'm in the back. Joey, you're next.

Okay. I could walk, hey, how are you doing? Hey, it's a 10, how many steps from the kitchen to the fucking original room? Not many. Not many. Seven?

Seven? And then I walked up those steps. When I got to the top steps, my lungs closed. I couldn't breathe. I'm watching. Megan Mooney killing him like fuck I'm not good enough what if I bombed the fucking comedy store and I just started going off and I started breathing so I had a look around

and I saw the light coming from the outside by the door and then I looked and I could tell that the stairway that's what saved me the stairway so Paulie's back there so I go Paulie he might have to go up there right now something's happened I'm getting like a heart attack or anxiety and he goes what are you talking about bud and I go boy just go up there and he goes I already went up like you're the only one that's here I'm about to have a fucking art at that yeah and I went up there and I blacked out pretty much for 12 minutes have you had has this happened before Joey never what the fuck and when I came out of and I was up on stage it looked like Las Vegas there were bodies everywhere it was one of the

best sets I'd ever had in my life and what were you conscious of it while it was going on No, not until about the light came on. Interesting. And I looked at them and they looked at me and they clapped. And I go, thank you for coming out, but coming up to the stage, such and such. And when I walked off, Pauly Shaw looked at me and they goes, you should have anxiety sets, anxiety things more often.

And I went on broke in the next day and told them the truth. They go, that's the first time I, the anxiety brought me out. Wow, that's crazy. So I went to the doctor and I got the pills. The anxiety pills? I keep them in my drug pocket. Just in case you get one? Have you ever had one doing, like, that's the first one.

You've never had them before your shows? I had them lightly. But nothing crazy. Not to that extent. The only time I've been close to that, Joe, and I haven't been close to that, but on, Wednesday night, Tuesday night at a spot in the belly room, spot in the main room. But spot in the belly room was 8.30, and it was just new material night. That's whatever.

And then it had a spot in the main room, but not until 10.30. So I'm watching the other comics. Tony Rock went on just absolutely crushed. and Sebastian's neck and then destroyed the Louis. So it goes, Tony Rock, Sebastian, that's supposed to be Theo to close it out. I'm watching the show and Tony's just killing. I'm having such a good time. And then Sam and someone else from Combin's to come through to go, hey, Callan canceled and

Seals running late. We need you to go on after Sebastian. We do three sets tonight. You know, what? We need you go on. We have no one to go after Sebastian. The show's running short. So we need you to extend it.

We need you 15 minutes. I went, oh yeah, no. In hell, oh yeah, no problem. But inside, I'm like, bon fucking Sebastian, man. Sebastian. I got to follow that motherfucker tonight. Dude, and then I go, I'm already starting to sleep. Dude, I'm sleepy talking about it.

My hands were sweating. It's tough to make me real. My hands were sweating. I was pacing in the back. That's the closest I could. I could feel my breathing was hindered. And that was the first time I was like, I'm at partial little bit of anxiety right now.

Parts a little bit of anxiety. Oh, I get it all the time. First night, that's why I like going on Thursday sometimes to cities. So I get the big chunk of my anxiety going on Thursday. My anxiety at the comedy store, the reason, somebody asked me that you can so much at the comedy store, and I go, I force myself to go down there more for the anxiety beat. Just to deal with it. Then, yeah, so what I started doing, you're going to dial after.

When I was a kid, I had a coach that trained. He was such a good strength and conditioning coach. In 84, you could look him up. His name is Ira Woolf. He went to the Olympics as a train, a strength conditioning coach. And throughout my high school, he never believed in weights the way other people did. He always believed in a 10 count on the way down. You didn't do five, six-sets, a six-bench press.

him you let's say you max 360 he would give you 300 and just do them at 10 20 seconds to a back up and down that's so hard and just do them until you max no more that's it so exhaust so no isolation exercises it's rolling squatting deadlifting bench pressing I bet he was jacked and then he would get jacked the highest lifts gets jack for six months who later i found out he did win a v for recuperation but then what he would do is he would train for a marathon so he would run 26 miles to take the muscle off so this is what he did every year damn every year man now you got to see him at 75 does he look good it look like it could it be ira murgison he was no his name is ira wolf

okay r a w o l f that's right i'm okay ira murchison no can i put it I put Wolf and didn't pop up. So I know a coach that does that stuff. So the first three months, he wants you to get formed. So I've been doing it for a year now. Steady. Twice a week. You're doing it?

Twice a week I go to two different places because they give you two different flavors. So I go to the squat machine would give me fucking anxiety like you've never had before. Oh, for sure. When I put 400 on those racks and I got to do 10 seconds up. down and they open up with it because if you know anything about lifting you should open up with the squat because it opens everything else releases all your teeth all the testosterone all the muscle building yeah human growth hole you can feel the warm take over your body but you got to open up with a heavy squat a couple stretches throw some punches and go into it and by the fourth one it would

just be flying a fight response whatever that's called yeah you really like i jiu jitsu i'm not good the Jiu-Jitsu. You know I go to Jiu-Jitsu? They get on the bottom. Sure. So somebody could get on top of me so I don't panic. Yeah. This is what I had to do to make my stand-up better because my panic attack, like, especially when I went back to the store. So wait a second. I got to go behind the Liza fucking Cindy Wu, Ali-Wong, I got to follow. Kristallia, Deo. Sebastian, Dio, Rogen, Ron White, and then I got to go up. Fuck you. That was a different level of anxiety.

And you know that rogan sits back there and watches you. You know what I'm saying? Joey, we all sit back and watch you. I don't need that shit. I don't need that shit. This is so crazy. Because you're the guy no one wants to follow. You have no idea.

So I'm in the back of my mind. When I go to the store, I don't even put the radio on to the drive down. There's no radio on my drive. Yeah, me neither. If you call me and go, can you give me a right to the store? I'd like to, but I'd rather. or not like him i'll give a ride to the start because i can talk to him about what i'm going through but most people you know you need this lee yeah i mean he you know and honestly i used to go to the

store with him a lot more reason in the last year or two i don't really go down with him oh yeah i suffer from high level high level so i had to attack it i had to attack the fight of flight response the other thing i do to attack on my flight and fight response uh cryotherapy that's the best thing if you don't want to freak out The one with the heads out? No, I go into the fucking closet. Yeah, that's the move. First 30 seconds, you have to get forced to breathe how you're supposed to.

If you don't breathe, are you supposed to? You'll fly out of that thing. Trouble. It's cold, but the only way. You do it how often? I do the Novothor bed once a week, and I do the cryout twice a week. God damn, Joey. I go, it's right down the block from the weed store.

So I go to the weed store first. I take a little CBD water. Yes, sir. I go over the cryout. The cryo burns 800 calories for three minutes. You cannot fucking, you know, and you feel like a new man. You know, any time. The Novitor bet I only do on the Lord's Day on Sunday.

Yeah. Because it makes me sleep good on Sunday night. But the thing, you know, and I've taken people to that cryotherapy, and they run out of that. I see people running out. I saw two lesbians last week. They were all happy. It's a beast. Yeah.

I love it. We can't breathe in that. There's not a better for you. You lost your breathing in the beginning. It's so funny here you say this man With anxiety at the councilman You have to so I had to do all these things To tackle my anxiety

For stand-up If I want to take it to the level that I want them You're at that level though Joe Like if you if you I would imagine If you gave all the regulars at the comic store You give him a list Said who do who's the most scariest person to follow You're in the top three

Easily Because of the energy Easily Because he is the secret You're like a fucking The energy Cuban tidal wave. The energy concept of it.

I am suffering so much inside, and I have so much anxiety inside. I got two options. You unleash it. I can either go up then go, ah! Or do my comedy. So how does my comedy come out?

Like if I'm yelling, I take that mic, wow, wow, I got a fuck and I'm going. There's no measuring with me. No, you sock them right in the mouth. You know, oh, he's measuring. They love it when the audience booze. That's when you know you're doing your job. I got, I got, I'm at the comedy store, I'm following a beast,

and I got three bees behind me. I told him the idea. I don't go to the comedy store to be the best comic. I go to the comedy store to be remembered. Big difference. Preach. Because I'm giving you a sample. You only do the comedy store.

I don't see you at the improv or laugh at the laugh at. No, because I only do the store. I only go to Winkle John Smith. Yes. I only go to Jackson Smith. And if I leave Jackson Smith, I'm going to AT&T. And I'm not going to go anywhere else from that now on. After I did my Netflix special,

I realized that I was going to too many places that weren't drawing me out of me. What do you mean, Joey D. is? I want to go to a place that Brendan Schaub comes out. The Brendan Schaub wants to go up there and talk about masturbation and not feel like Brendan Schaub. I want them to have that freedom. The comedy stores, it's home for me.

Right in your house, you'll jerk off on you. When your wife says she's going around. No, you're yourself. You'll bang one out anywhere. The comedy store is where I am myself. What she preached was yourself to come out. When you come here, oh, be yourself. And you don't feel that at the improv or laugh factor anywhere else?

I love the improv. The improv made me who I am. I started the Dirty Show at the Impro. Really? Is that where you started, Joe? He's an Imprope? Well, no, no. I'm a comedy store guy.

But the guy who put me on the map, he gave me a show monthly. That's your next thing. Like what you're doing at the comedy store? Start doing a show monthly. And if you get bored and you don't want to come to the comedy store, you're close to Irvine. Call Irvine and go, I want to do the fucking Stinging King on Wednesday night by myself. And bring Joey and Lee and Brian and give them all 200 and you keep the rest or whatever. And so what are we talking about?

I had a... Just about why you only go to this. I go to the county store because it's home. I go to the comedy store because let's take this back to an art, and let's take it back to MMA. So everybody understands what I'm coming from. Metal sharpens metal. I don't want to spar.

I'm not putting anybody down here. I don't want to spar against Dennis Seaver. I want to spar against Colin McGreg. You want John Jones. I want John Jones. You want John Jones every night. You want a John Jones every night. I don't give a fuck if John Jones beats me up every day

because I know in one year. You're going to get better. I'm going to get a punching on them. Well, you have no option but to get better. I know one day at the gate, before he closed that elbow, I'm going to get him with an uppercut. And that's where it starts. But you have no option.

That's where you're confident. So now, not only got him with an uppercut, the next goal I'm going to have is I'm going to get him with an uppercup, and slip out of that thing and get back to fighting in the middle. So I'm going to take him back to the middle, so I'm not against my back. So with the comedy store, Mitzie trained me to be a certain type of sniper. She trained me to be a killer. Mitzie sure trains you to be a killer.

Yeah. Richard Pry. Killers have come out of there. She wants the Kennesons. There was a time she wouldn't let Rogan in the main room. I know. She didn't want him to do a joke. In the main room, she didn't pass Jay Simefield.

It would destroy. Joe Rogan's added in a cold bit would destroy three comics. Like three comics couldn't follow them. The audience got ruffled. So she would only put Joe in the original home. She wants killers. And I always want to perform like I'm performing in the original. original room. I'll do the shows for Sam

and I'll do your shows and I really enjoy the main room because I've gotten better over the years in the main room. But the O-R's your home. What about the belly room? You'd fucking explode that place. I like it also, but guess what? O'R. is your shit? I want to be a Jackson

Wink. Yeah. And that's it. I got great friends at AT&T. I've got great friends in Milwaukee. Yeah. With Rufus. I've got great, great. great friends aka a okay a okay i love the ice house uh ice house is okay okay doesn't have the pizzazzed they used to anymore they got those guys got older up there now they had cabib in bccc but they're all they're old cabib is the only really one but they're all i just got his jaw

broken look back to molly he's not there anymore right he went ralph lauren yeah he's you know he's that he's at uh whatever the guy in florida right yeah florida but i what i got i got i I shot my Netflix special, I was so upset with myself. Why? Because I wasn't training properly. When I knock you out, when I fight you, let's be honest here. Let me just throw one fight out. When you fought no garrer.

Yeah. And you woke up and you were sitting on the mat. You put your hand up and you look around and the doctor comes over and asks you, are you okay? Are you thinking about pussy? Are you thinking about what happened? Or are you thinking about where you weren't wrong? Where I went wrong. Okay.

And it goes back to... How many times it would leave tell me to cover my fucking... What I threw... Right hand. How many times they tell me to keep my fucking thing right here when I throw that little jab. He told me to double it up. But for some reason, I doubled it up.

And you know it, though. He went this way, and I went to chase him, and I put my hand down, and he caught me with that fucking left of his. But you know. But you know that. But when you're on the floor, you're not thinking about the money. You're not thinking of money. You're fucking wine.

Nothing. You're thinking about what went wrong. How's this relate to your special, Joey? Talk to me. How does it relate to my special? Yeah. Before I fucking trained from my special, instead of going to the store and following Whitney Cummings and Eliza and Ali Wong,

I decided to go to the other rooms because I figured that the people who like me are going to go to the comedy store, they're going to laugh at whatever I have to say. So I can't really judge my material from that. This is how fear works. Fear works in mysterious ways. Fear will talk you out of shit. If you let it. If you let it.

And I let it. And I let it at the 26-year mark. That's what's crazy. So who the fuck do you think you are at the 10-year mark with comedy? At the 26-year mark of comedy, I realized how much I let fear talk me out of my game. On that fucking flight, that southwest from hell, From Vegas to LAX, if I could have opened the door and jumped out without a parachute, I would have.

If I was flying Southwest, I was too. Because I fucked up. I knew where I did the things wrong. I didn't jump enough rope. I didn't shadow box. Instead of going to Eddie used to do jujitsu, I went and worked a guy up at this place with a bunch of blue belts. But why? But why, Joe?

Because I was just, I was just fear. I was scared that if I would go down to the store, I would have to follow Rogan. and then I would be off. When I got to the store, I could not follow Delea. He was unfollowable. And every time I went down, I had to follow Delea, it wasn't as scary as I was when I used to have to follow Don Marrera or Paul Mooney.

But it was real scary. So I can't change my material, Delia, so I got to flow off his energy. You got to be Joey. You have to be Joey. You have to be Joey. You have to be Joey. You have to go.

Like, if you follow, I lived on a dead end street. they had no fire hydrants. If he kills it that type of material, I'm going to go up there and become him for 30 seconds. I'm going to ride on his energy. So I'm going to go up there and keep it low also. How are you doing?

Let's keep it going one more time for Brendan's shop. Some guy called me a spick yesterday. Let me tell you what. Then you go. And then you go. But the first 30, I want them to feel like nothing changed. When Brendan destroys the room where there's bodies everywhere, And I go on stage and I go, let's keep it going for Brendan.

He did a great job. You just lost. Yeah. You just lost. Go, Brandon, go fuck yourself. Take the train the LAX. You know what I'm saying? You got to go up there like, fuck Brendan.

Yep. Not fuck Brendan. He's my brother. But that's your mentality. That's your mentality is. I got away from that. I got it. It became a pussy.

How, Joey? You've been doing it so long. I got scared. I got a daughter. I got mouse to feed. And I, you know, you got Justin. You got your agents. You got your manager.

You have all this, and I'm not going to say the word pressure, because I don't fall to pressure. You have, you're thinking about the other people in your life. You're doing stuff for them instead of being a stand-up, bitch, it's you, a microphone, a brick wall. That's it. You ever see people who do speeches, and you got eight movies behind them? They got eight white dudes, a black guy, a Mexican. I don't ever want to stand behind a president of a politician. You ever see those assholes?

They look like assholes. It was a fire today in Calabasas. There's eight white guys behind this. And then the token black guy, so they don't call racist. Yeah, like, that don't exist in our world. So I was putting myself in this fear, and I'm not bad mouth for anybody, but I was going to flappers. I was going to the ha-ha.

I was going to the improv, and I was adjusting to their style in the room. I had a guest here last night. We came over in a smokes and pot. She's a dear friend of mine. I explained to her. She goes, what happened? Is she a comic?

Yeah, and I told her. I said, this is what happened. me I would go to the flappers and instead of them making me close they would put me in front of Lee. I can't go. What do I get? What do I gain by going up there and blowing

up flappers? You need a pressure. Lee's been waiting three months with his spot. They did that to you? No. No, no. Someone like me. Somebody like Lee. A girl that brought everybody from work. Oh, no. Oh, no. I think they went to dinner and pho go to chow and now they're

going up there. She's going to follow. Diaz. And before I go up there, she comes up to me, she's like, this is the third time I've been on stage. It's such an hour of being on stage with you. And I'm looking at it like, I have a daughter. Someday, my daughter's in Duke County. She needs a gorilla to go up and embarrass her in front of everybody.

So I would go up there and do material that was a piece of a flappers. I would go to the ha-ha and do ha-ha-ha-material. It's because you're a good guy. I would go to, you know, I would go. Do you know that two weeks ago was the first time I ever ran the light the comics for the 21 minutes and 22 years. Really? First time

I ever read my right now. You have to get out early. You have to have respect for other comics. You have to. And so I don't like that. It doesn't do me any right by me. It's fucked up, man. Whoa. If you talk shit, then I'm gonna go up then sizzle your motherfucking world. Then I can sizzle your world.

But if you don't, the comedy store is my fucking Jackson wing. Yeah, you can... That's basically it. And I want to, and anywhere I go, I want to fight how I do a Jackson Wink. When I go to Milwaukee, I got a spar with

the ex-champ. Tyrant? No. Pettis. Pettis. I got a spar with Pettis. I got Spettus by 100 pounds. I got a small little different. So you can take a little lighter. Because you can take certain shots but you don't have to be on point. Because at the

commentary you get knocked the fuck out. I want to be. You're not getting knocked out anywhere else. I don't want to get knocked out no more. So I got a little bit. go to the economy store because at the end of the day metal sharpens metal you want to be the best you got to get beat up every day well you got to be you got to swim a sharp man if i should take you to otto's right now i told jitsu i don't know what belt you are i don't know how shape you for in the u s i there's a blue belt that autos that's going to tie your shit up on the spider guard yeah he's

going to put this arm here and this arm here and and whatever so for a year you know you have to eat shit you know did you listen to jeselnick on rogan um three years i didn't between specials yeah he says every three years three years one in the store one at the club and one year at theaters yeah so he tore he tore he got the store then he does on the road and he does theaters and then after he does theater he shoots a special he's a fucking assess now he's a guy that can shoot a special every 18 months and get him for a good penny he's an assassin but he's smart and he knows he's in here for a long journey. And where are you at? You think every three, are you with Jeslin' on three years? I think it should be every three years, two years to shoot a special. Think about it. Think about it. How many

jokes you've done have said and then a year later now that joke is 20 minutes and you already use 10 minutes of it on a special. And you've got 30 more that now are really, really good. You don't know where this joke is going to go. How many times have you written a joke, tried it four times? It doesn't work. It's not goes away. But then something happens. you add two and now you add that four and then you got seven so write the fucking thing down and you know so comedy

is very complex but the fear of comedy got so much me before the Netflix special you said that Joe 26 years I live on fear I'm motivated by fear I like being scared I do my best work when I'm minus 400

that's when I do my bad I don't like being a favorite I've never been a good favorite I fall apart at the seams. You make me an underdog, I'm going to fuck you up. I'll figure out a way to fuck you up, because that's why I am an underdog. So I always want to go in there minus. You know, we had Jordan Belfort in the other day.

Have you looked at his Wikipedia? Have you seen his Wikipedia underneath that says, you know, everybody, celebrity, how much you, money you work? A network. Celebrity net worth. It says minus a million dollars. Print it up, show. Let's see. That means that motherfucker is going to be doing his best work the rest of the

100%. Because he's minus. What do you got to lose? I'm not to lose. But I didn't think like your Netflix special was a loss. I don't think it suffered. I mean, yeah, it wasn't bad. But it wasn't Joey Diaz.

Sorry, Charlie. And neither was C-So. Wasn't Joey D. That's because you're great, Joey. And anybody who knows me from the store knows that. That's not Joey Diaz. It was... Yeah, you're right.

Jesus. It's a lot worse than you think. So you're just going to take ownership now. You have to take ownership. If you don't, you'll never grow. You'll never, ever, ever grow if you don't take ownership. Because you could... I mean, even Joe Rogan, like, his specials on Netflix,

but you know he controls it all. Look what he's minus. A hundred million. Someone fucked with it. I don't know. Oh my God, Joey. I haven't paid rent. three months.

Let me show you this. A hundred. That's worth, he's minus $100 million. That's one just fucking around. He's 56. No. No, he's the Wolf of Wall Street guy.

He's the Wolf of Wall Street guy. Oh, shit. He holds restitution. He's a hundred minus 100 million. Okay? You can't, nobody's come back from that. But he does his best word at minus. Yeah.

That's going to take a while to pay off. But like with Rogan on Netflix, there are certain guys that like a Rogan or Chappelle where Netflix is the distributor but Rogan control everything. He edits it. He doesn't own it. He can't own it

from Netflix but he edits it he watches it and then sends him go this is the final product. There you go man. I'm shooting four of them. I'm shooting five of them here's the final product. No I added in mind with Netflix. They're very good. I sent them notes. They were very good. They accommodated me as much as possible. I just

didn't like what had happened. I like Netflix I love Netflix no it's a Joey thing nothing that's a Joey thing yeah and I know for a fact I don't want to do an hour I'd like to keep it at 25 minutes my next whatever I do it I'm really no rush right now I barely got a good 50 minutes right now say 15 or 50 50 so before I shoot anything I want another 50 yeah that I'm fucking around with that's lurking and they can chop it and you can no no I don't want to shoot the hour 50 I want to have no I'm saying you have to you have to up but then you cut the best two hours to 25 you don't know no no no I'm gonna do 50 and then have 50 ready for you word so we're getting rid of that 50 and I'm already right I'm not gonna go through

that shit yes I'm not gonna go back out there now saying the same jokes to start from scratch no way so that's what I want to do what I want to talk to you about before I get you out of here the other than where you and I and Adam the comedy store the Talombocker yeah had a great we had a great conversation. And I tell people all the time, I go, I'm going to tell you something. I don't know much about what Joe Rogan talks about or men or moon,

but I know how comedy works a little bit, but where my real expertise, I know a little bit about gambling, I know how to read lines, but my real expertise is if you ever get arrested, call me. You got a PhD. And I'll do the whole thing for you.

I'll get you the three attorneys or rotate them, we'll fire one. You know you're putting everybody involved You and I were talking about Epstein First of all Adam bought up Epstein We're talking about it and you called it to I had to tweet out last night I saw that shit I went

Holy fuck To a T you went You were talking about Epstein I'm like what the fuck is he gonna do You went oh he'll try and off himself Or someone to try to kill him before he even gets to trial I know come on Billionaire

Show enough Joey called it To a T A cop beat him Oh really An ex cop that's an under jail beat him He can't come suicide in there because they got a camera in there.

Look, there's a guy that shot the Gambino boss in a jail in New Jersey. 20 years ago, they would have brought them out of a body bag, but now they have, they put you in the cell with a camera. So nothing's going to happen. I can only get to you on the transfer or I could get to you on your destination.

Or if they want someone to get to you, right? Like a witty bulger situation. Like a witty bulger situation. You know, like that, but there's no cameras. There's got to be no cameras, so they'll wait for you to get to the destination. They'll sit tight. Like the Gambinos right now, they're like, we can't do no. Why would we, he ain't worth the wait. Wait until we get it because there's always somebody trying to make a name in there. You know, if I know Brendan's in Attica and I know the rat that rather on Brendan, even if I don't know

Brendan, I'm going to stab this motherfucker and got a note to Brendan. Yeah. I'm over here and all right. I'm over here and Ordway and I got your back dog. So when you get out, don't forget who did this fucking guy. And I don't even take the eight-year charge in prison. I'm already there. They're just going to add it to my sentence. They're not going to give me an extra.

So with Epstein, someone got a hold of him and just beat the fuck at him. Supposedly somebody beat him first. It's like through four punches and they got broken up. And then they put him in a jail cell and they found them unconscious. But the problem with Epstein is he knows where the body's head. See, when he would have those parties, he would tape them. They said a bunch of people. A bunch of people.

So they tried to burn the aisle the other day. Now, I always tell people, lesson number one about hustling. Because I'm coming at you as a thief now. Yes. If you want somebody to find something, don't put it in your safe. So if I kick Brendan's door down one night, and I put a silencer to your head. And I go, I know you got a half million dollars here. You're really going to have 37 in your safe.

and I'll leave you alone. Yeah. But you're going to have a half million dollars in the ceiling somewhere. So you're going to spot money in different places. So, yeah, if he's smart and he is. Very smart.

Very smart. He put a couple tapes in there of him fucking 30-year-old pigs, whatever, getting his dick suck. And probably some other famous people, don't it too? But not really the famous people. He's got those tapes hidden. He knew this day was coming.

He prepared for this day. He knows. And he knew with Trump getting elected that because Trump went up against him like in 2003. Trump testified against him to the FBI I heard. He did something at the Trump party. It's like I told Rogan, what if I go to Brendan's house from there? Brandon opens up the door and I'm fucking a 16-year-old.

Brennan's not going to get mad at me, but he's not going to get mad at me, but he'll pull me aside afterward and go, Doug, listen, my wife knows. That can't be. Don't ever again. You can't do that in my house, you know? So something like that, similar happening. I have a friend in New York that's a cop, and he was telling me the political quangling, but I don't care.

I just know one thing. I saw pictures of all those people. I read an article in Time where he had all those people in a summer home. Plus, the guy from the guy that gives law advice. You call it to a fucking tee. That's what I said. You called to a tee. So, dead men don't tell tales.

I got pee so bad, Joey. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. Real quick, why you go pee? Thank you for a mind of it. All right, well, my boy, Brendan's in the bathroom. I want to read a little something to you guys, just let you know what's crack or lacking. The church is sponsored by PolicyGenius. I'm welcoming them.

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Policy genius. Delegate what you hate, especially if you hate getting life insurance. So anyway, talking about this and that. It's interesting hearing you guys talk because even for me and I'd love to hear Brendan talk about, you guys are talking about fear. Even just doing the mere act of doing an hour is a lot of fucking, like no matter a special this and that, like just doing an hour. But the thing is hard to need to worry about now. So that's, I don't worry about fear I can't control. What are you guys talking about? He's talking about that he's fearful doing an hour.

You got barely 20. Hour? Right. I'm saying like the fact that you were able to do an hour. The fear. The fear is going down there. The fear is what happens in between. How often are you getting up?

I do. I do it a lot. I do it every day, but I'm doing a lot of shorter five minutes sets. And the longest that I did, I did the couple weeks ago, I did 27. But, like, that's what I'm fearful about. Like, I'll get, I'm not, I don't get to do, like, those really cool rooms a lot of the time. Sometimes I do. But what I'm fearful about now is when someone calls me and says, we want you to do 25.

Like, because that's like every joke I've ever written. Like, so to me, seeing people, someone like you, who's headlining every week doing two hours a night. Like, you just even the fact that you can fill that time, because you have to fill that time. That's a, like, that's a, like, scary to me and an accomplishment. Like, that's where I get nervous. It's just feeling the time I need to fill. No, no worry about the time. You just go up there and stuff.

There's time if I go up at the comedy store and I got 18 minutes. I do two jokes and the light turns blue. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck does happen? Especially this new shit. You know, yeah, it's a real fucking struggle. Yeah. But no, I don't think, I think that they'll kill him before the trial because

I've seen his ace in the pocket is going to be what he's got in. those vaults what he's got hidden somewhere the broad the broad that was booking the chicks for him's got to disappear well they say now like there's a ton of people gonna start coming out snitching on them there's a ton of people and put like yeah the orgies are like 14 underage girls and shit on the island now they got the workers snitching on them you're like there was young girls you know topless we're never comfortable with it yeah it's it's this is gonna be very very interesting so he survived now now they got him in real solitary with somebody checking them

every 15 minutes so now nothing could be done to him you know what I'm saying they tapped all his phones I mean this is the people that are looking to get them isn't the mafia it's not a guy named Joey bananas it's not a guy name it's heavy-duty people that don't want their name really yeah some real these are people with families and legitimate careers have a lot to lose a lot to lose So that's why I knew he would not make it. There's no way that he's not going to write a book. No. He's not going to do nothing.

Nothing, nothing. The only one who's happy as fuck right now is Harvey Weinstein. He's been throwing parties and fucking, he's been as happy as fuck. And then we compared his case to Harvey. You don't even hear about Harvey no more. Never. Harvey planned this just, he played them like a fiddle. He played them.

Harvest Chillon. Like a fillet him. Because he worked the system. There's a way to work the system. There's a way to work the system, Brendan, and it's really weird. Like, people think that you need, oh, well, you need money to play the system.

No, you don't. You just need something of value that they need. Like, when I got locked up, I didn't have any money, but I played that fucking system jack for everything I had. I fucking made contacts before I got locked in. I reached out to people that had been at that prison, that had been at that prison,

told me everything about the thing. what guards would take money. Jesus. On the way here, I was thinking about a guard at Camp George West where I was at, that he would monitor the laundry area. And you could tell him, don't go there from 10 to 11. Give him like 25 bucks. That's it?

$25, 50 bucks. Don't go there from 10 to 11. And he wouldn't check. And we would play cards. We would play dice. Or like we'd know somebody. We're going to fuck somebody out. Did you see that Showtime series,

Danamoire those two common yeah yeah I got hired that I did oh really you don't want to do it no one of the best series ever seen brother these of Latorre they want to do it though because you know where you shot Canada at the Canadian border so you needed to fly into Canada and then drive three hours nah the hotel was a motel la Grande there's nothing out of this prisons yeah they shot at Danamo they shot it at Danamo yeah so when you shoot at all those little cities in New York. There ain't shit out there. They don't have nothing. Gas station. Nightman. They do that for a reason. So all the hotels from the shoot were an hour. So that means you were already in the car, two hours. Oh, yeah, wake up how early? Yeah. Go to it and it shot

September 14th through February 3rd, which meant by October, it's snowing up there. Oh. In September, it's already 30. In September, it's already 30. By December, you got heat on, and it's fucking freezing. You ever do the old, no. The old bananas in, not Nyack. There's another town up there. I've done Buffalo in the winter. Buffalo in the winter, but they have another town up to that.

Bananas used to have two clubs. Banana had, have you done bananas yet? Right across from the Fort Lee Bridge going into New York. Bananas is owned by helium. But bananas had that one and another one. And I've totally a thousand times. This one, there was just a gas station. that's it.

Just a gas station. There's a hotel and a gas station. And that was your life for three days. And that's why you didn't want to do that, Dan Amora? And they put you in the basement. No, hell. So even with the heat at 90, you'd be freezing in that hotel room.

No, no, I didn't want to do Dan Amora because the truth. All right, you want to know the truth? Yeah. The truth was it was $8,000 a week. So after two taxes, New York and L.A. taxes, what's that? Two commissions.

How many weeks were you going to be there? They wanted me in there for fucking 80. weeks and guess what the dude who took the role they only he only showed him he's when they got lit on fire or something oh yeah yeah that was the role they wanted me no no the guy that asked you for toothbrush uh what do you want let me get two toothbrush let me get a comb oh yeah yeah yeah i would give them to you yeah that's and i met with ben stiller like justin call oh really ben stiller wants to meet me on the sun there met him in hollywood oh damn that's cool i did the whole thing that they made the album that's what's that yeah they grand after

everything two commissions and taxes that's three to be away from my wife oh there's no fucking eight hours not a chance you got to drive to buffy and then take another connecting flight from buffy to chicago and then come here and it just didn't work out the numbers just weren't but i'd imagine even if you told ben still why he couldn't do it but i get it like he's a real artist he knows no i i gave them a i gave them a legit like i just was complicated but he i'm sure even if he let's say you heard this podcast he'd be like i think i get no there's a million i got this in holly yeah you know what i'm saying like there's a million people you could choose from it's just it's so funny people contact me from movies all the time the problem is

they're not worth it to me no the math doesn't add up it's not about the money i love the projects but i got a podcast i got a wife i got a daughter yes dad daughter has to fucking do certain things and my wife can't do it off from monday the thursday yep you You know, I did it for the Sopranos for the three weeks, and it was tight. It was, remember I called you? I had to do a podcast on eight days. Nightmare. I had to do 20 fucking things to be gone for three weeks.

You just can't leave the podcast alone and not give them something. So when I go away from, and then they don't shoot nothing here no more because they don't give them a fucking tax break. Even Sam Tripley shot a TV show in New York. In Long Island. Sam Triple. Yeah, when I was in New York, Sam Tripley was in the studio with me. I love it. I was in whatever, and Sam Tipley was in Montauk.

All the way at the end. Theo was at Carolines, and me and Tripley made plans to meet Theo, and Tripley called me, goes, bro. I'm two hours out of New York, so I go, you didn't know that. Why do you think? You were 10 minutes. You're in Montau. He was at the 10.

I slip. He was all the way to fuck out there. Because now a lot of shootings in Atlanta, Vancouver, China. I can't go to Canada. I can't leave the country. For a while there, they were offered me every movie here in 2005

for a year, everything you auditioned for, you were shooting in Romania. And I would just not even show up. Like, I'm not going to Romania. I would ask for the call the production company and ask them if they're going to shoot any scenes here. From 2000 or 2005, everything was shot in Romania.

I heard some crazy stories about people going over there. The hotels, you could order hookers. The hookers are right. downstairs at the hotel so you've ordered them like room service. They got a menu in your room and you can order the hookers and they build your room. I heard

craziness about it. Well, I'll shoot a movie in Romania now. No, you're not. Take a vacation in Romania. It's fucking 12 hours. What do you got going on, my brother? I'm on the road, Ben. I'm in Nashville next week, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Zaney's one of my favorite clubs in Nashville. Great club.

And then after I'm in Portland, healing Portland. Another great club. They got Tatta Tots. The best. With fucking ranch dressing, and I don't eat ranch, but they put spice. What's that Japanese shit? Saracha. Soracha. They have a saracha mayonnaise or something.

I remember one day I was doing pictures at Helium Portland, and I kept looking, and a waitress put fucking potato tauts down and shit that will go into a table. She goes, I'm going to leave these here for one second. The best. I got to bring drinks to another thing. Dog, I started eating them like Uber Eats. You know, when you order Uber Eats and you think your pizza's fresh and that fucking little Mexicans has been eating pepperoni's off your business. pizza with his little fence fingers all over your fucking those little fence fingers all over your fucking sets. Fuck that. Where else are you? So Nashville next week, Portland after that,

then I'm in Houston, Denver. You're beautiful. But when are you going to Denver? I'm in Denver, September, hometown. Comedy works downtown. How is it feeling to go back to Denver for you now? I have mixed feelings. It's home. So, you know, everyone's blown you up for tickets and it's just you know it's easier when it's not a the home you know like whenever I'd fight at home there's always more pressure terrible it's 10 you up for tickets you want to do it but you can't you want to do you see a million people you're only there for three days but yet you get your shows and it's just it's a beast when donaldi for at home two or three fights ago yeah I've been against them yeah and he lost because I know as a

five I was at home I fucking hate hate it when I go to a certain club because and I can't shouldn't say this but like I'm going to the Bogota next month it's sold out it's fucking sold out on this site and my friends are still called I know is there any way is there is there any tickets is there I'm not ticket master bro I don't want to deal with it and you don't mind giving away free tickets but that coin you're 430 I know I know and you're home the show's that I know and they're calling and calling and they're calling and you feel like a douchebag but you don't because they don't that's what I think for fighters fighting at

home it's a lot of fucking pressure nightmare i don't like everyone wants tickets same same on the road same doing stand-up everyone wants tickets good problem to have i'm gonna do denver this year october 12th and then next year i'm taking it the boulder old school once the you do many saints and new comes out i'm doing the bolding theater god i'd love to do that right down down by pearl street once and for not bolder but maybe the fox the fox is on pearl theater fox on yeah that's the one i'm doing i saw the poppina's there and i saw charro crow there God damn. No, I saw Sherry.

How big is it? A thousand. It's not bad. It's going to be easy. I'd love to do that. I went to college then. I went to see Cheryl Crowe at the Boulder Theater. Back when she was doing the damn.

Before the album, the album had just come out. All I want to do is have some fun. And she, I don't think it was the Fox. She did something, and she was the opening act. Oh, damn. And the next time she came back. She came back to the Fox, and she was the motherfucking headliner. Love it, man.

Where'd you grow up, Arvada? Aurora. Aurora. You miss it? No, hell no. You don't miss Colorado at all? Nothing about it. Nothing. I miss it.

But I miss the old Colorado. I don't miss it. Denver's crazy, man. 25,000 people move there a month. It's booming. Real estate's expensive. 25,000. And it's got the highest emergency room visits in the country

from all the tourists that go there in that high... I'll try to hike and shit all the time. I can try to fucking eat an edible. Mind your business. And you go to talk. I remember the first time I went to Denver. I was ready to pop an edible and I went, I forgot.

I'm in high altitude. Super hot to. You know the first time I took a bong hit, I fell over and broke my head in Aspen, Colorado. And they kept saying, don't do it. And I'm like, out of New York City. I'm from Sinatraville. If you could do it, then, you can do it anywhere.

Yeah. I took that bong and I hit it next thing you know they had ice up my head. Always a pleasure, Mr. love you, man. Thank you very much. I will be the Bogota sold out, but I'll be at the Lincoln motherfucking theater the night before in Washington, D.C. And then Texas,

I'm coming, slinging dick and giving out calaches. September 13th, in Dallas, at the fucking majestic theater, and September 14, one of those dates around there. I'll just give you the fucking theater. And the

other ones at the Aztec Theta, all right? And San Antonio. I love you guys. a great weekend. Sorry, we were late with the podcast, but fuck it. You guys weren't doing nothing with your fucking world anyway. I love you guys. Thank you very much for support. Thank you for supporting Brendan, myself and the Christ Killer. And now for a word from our sponsors. All right, I want to thank my man, Brendan Sharp. I want to thank my man, the Christ Killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for listening. I also want to thank Vincereo watches. Why? Because they're the best of the best of the best. Value, low price.

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I want to thank Vincereo. I want to thank PolicyGenius. I want to thank ZipRecruiter. I want to thank Dollar Shave Club. I want to thank, I mean, listen, all you guys are part of the family. I want to thank Express V-P-N. I want to thank CBD Lion. But most importantly, I want to thank the church family for always having my back.

Don't forget, we got the Lincoln Theater, August, whatever the hell it is. 9th, I don't know, the night before the Bogota sold out. That's all you need to know. Dallas and San Antonio, I'll see you savages in September. Besides that, I'll see you motherfuckers. Tip-top, Magoo, bright and early Monday morning. That's it, and that's that. Have a great weekend.

And remember, if this weekend ain't working for you, next weekend's going to be a better. I love you. Uncle Joey D is here. Stay black. Kick this fucking Mule Lee.