The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #705 - Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

Whitney Cummings, a stand up comedian, author, and creator of "2 Broke Girls" and "Whitney, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  Whitney's new special, "Can I Touch It?" will be streaming on Netflix July 30, 2019.  This podcast is brought to you by: Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

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It's Monday morning motherfuckers We're not pulling out today Don't do that, baby. You fucking kidding me or what? Oh yeah. Monday the 29th of July, Cox suckers.

This is your new thing. If you're on, what's the thing where you get sex? Tinder. This is your new catchphrase. You ready? This is it, right here. Sitting at home with my dick, I'm hard.

I got the black book for my freak to call. That's it. Whitney Cummings, the Christ Killer, Uncle Joey. You down with it? I arrived at a house. Got on the door.

Not having no idea. What does not have a store? I'm like a dog and heat. Freak without warning. My appetite for sex does me so horny. Oh. So horny. What?

No honey. What? Monday morning, cock suckers. Whitney Cummings, here's the deal with the weather. Fucking best. Okay. I've been following weddings for years. Have you?

Yeah, I love weddings. Do you? Well, okay, let's take it back to my favorite wedding of all time is the Godfather. Yeah. That's a wedding. Your father, you dance, all your friends, tons of food. You invite a singer to sing, whatever, the fuck for the kids. That's a wedding, but that's not going to happen no more in this country.

So what are you going to do? I want to, what was the fat black chick from the view that got married? Money. Shepard? The first one. Sherry Shepard. No. There was one before her that got married. Whoopi Gullberg. Oprah looking motherfucker got married, pigeons. All the black people had

dressed in white. He was fucking the gentleman. He was fucking the janitor you know the whole time. Sherry Shepard. That was a different one. There was one before her that did that. So the more money you spend on your wedding. The odds are likely that you are going to. Yep. I don't want to see you kissing.

No. Scar Jones. Scarlet Jones. Oh, fuck. I forgot about her. Spent $8 million. She was a lawyer, right? Yes, like she spent a million dollars on a wedding. What are you trying to prove? You could see Joe Mabo didn't give a fuck.

I have to listen to your relatives bomb with their shitty speeches. And then it's a lot. Everybody had to dress them white and they released 100 pigeons. Those weddings I give them a year. Evil Angoria and the black dude from the San Antonio Spurs. Tony Parker got married on a ranch and they shot grenades. What are you trying to prove? Keep it simple.

Yeah, it's a little extra. You don't want, man. You don't want. You got three friends you owe with her. That would be heartbroken if they didn't go. Your mom, your grandmother. Yeah. You know, I thought I was you're from the nation's capital.

I would get married at the nation's capital real easy. The White House on the lawn. That's too faggy. No, no, a little bit more class. What are the flowers, the trees? Cherry blossoms. You know, triblossom. I got married on a Wednesday.

Let me take my reasoning for this. Because I don't want to have to have my friends or all. comics, I don't want them to have to travel. They're one weekend off. Don't make nobody travel. Yeah. You don't want to do it to me. But we travel.

Too much. I want to do it so comics can just go home. As a matter of fact, fuck comics. I just told you that. You're my only friends. You got three girls, female comics. Yeah. You got Chelsea.

You got another one of your friends with, maybe one of your girlfriends from high school. Yeah. Your parents, your grandparents. This guy, his fucking parents. Nobody needs to know nothing. Yeah. Everyone's dead. I don't want to take a picture.

I don't want to see the picture. Is this you preparing me for the fact that you're not coming to my wedding? No, no. This feels like an elaborate. Do you really want the pictures from your wedding in People magazine? Tell me the truth. If they pay money, I would do it. If they give you a million to cover your spread?

I'm mercenary like that. I don't have a prize. Didn't Kardashian marry the dude and they gave a million dollars and she divorced a dude? He lost his NBA career, the little faggy white dude. That's like everyone. Yes. Humphreys? Yeah.

Oh yeah. I'll fucking, for a million bucks, I'll do anything. I'll do literally anything. Like she married them, but somebody paid for the wedding off the books. They had the first crack at the wedding. Oh, yeah, yeah, you get the rights to the photos. I'm not that famous. But if they pay money for photos, I'd get, we give them away for free on Instagram.

Why not to get money for them? But they did the wedding for that reason. And you didn't have the wedding regardless. On the reality show also. It was filmed for the show. They needed a finale. You know, I looked at it the first time I got married. It was great, but...

Where was it? Boulder. Oh, gorgeous. I got married in Boulder. Where did you? I had a hotel. A real nice hotel by Chautauqua, the whole thing. But the problem was my guerrilla buddies from Jersey came.

And it was the day that Colorado played Nebraska. Oh, fuck. And in Colorado, you know, rule number one, take notes. Don't get married during baseball season if you want people to go. Okay. That's real. That is actually fucking great. That rule no more. Don't get married. Don't feel well. No one's given me that advice. Don't get married during the Yankee Red Sox weekend. No bad idea

Because people gonna come to your wedding and they're gonna be on their phones Yeah, say you look beautiful and then you're gonna do what my friends did is there a bar you know there is there a TV? No guess what my guerrilla buddy did he coked up out of his mind in front of my in-laws took the fucking Bellman gave my yardstick made him go to fucking home Depot and get an extension for you And he went upstairs rent to the room brought the TV down to the fucking table at the wedding and connected it. And me and my buddies watch Nebraska, Colorado, with half the wedding. And she's dancing, you know,

Danzy's little girl. Nobody gave a fuck. Let me give her fuck about Maddie's little girl. The score is 1313. You got to cover by three. That's all I'm worried about. That's so funny. What day of a week?

The week does baseball come Saturday. Yeah. No, college football Saturday. So you're fucked. If Ohio State's playing, you know. Yeah. Duke or one of anybody you know any of those motherfuckers you're done what about Sundays that's NFL that's NFL what time is that why you do all day all day am all day

you do a night time where one's wasted no everyone's wasted and angry and I remember more women get beat up on Sunday that's right after the NFL because they walk in the front of the TV you don't want to get married he bet Pittsburgh but you know I don't get my ass kicked on my yeah no I don't you don't want that so okay so what months do I have available to get married? December or April, May and June. Okay. It's not in the D.C. area.

I don't think I don't have any. There's nothing left for me in D.C. Okay. Can fuck D.C. Because I don't want all my friends have to go there. Yeah, we'll do it. And we'll do it in LA. Sportsman's Lodge. No. I'm kidding. That was one of the first places I did stand up with Sportsman's Lodge. There used to be a Friday at Saturday. Open mic show. Is there? And it was outside on a patio.

They do something still there. You'd have to time your jokes in between cars. driving by so you'd have to get your punchline on the red light. I'm at Santa Barbara. Gorgeous. Overpriced a little bit to me. I still don't got to pay for a plane ticket to be out. That's right.

You can drive and you can drive home that night. Who would come home? They got a fucking restaurant next to the, you're going to cater it from the Italian restaurant. There's one. Underneath the best Western hotel. Best Italian restaurant town. They give you a lasagna with a meatball in the middle. Oh, yes, please.

They got the spaghetti with the ink. The squid ink in it. What's it called? The real dick. Forget the name of the restaurant. Santa Barbara people like, oh hi people really like, but it caught on fire. A friend of mine had to move for a whole wedding

because it caught on fire. All right, then we go Orange County. That's not a bad idea. La Jolla. Everyone could go do spots after. No, no, no, Orange County. I didn't say La Jolla. Nobody could do spots.

That's what, maybe La Jolla and we can have a show that night and comics, all the addicts that need to go fucking get on stage again. No, it's your wedding. Don't come here. If you want to do comedy, go fuck your mother. I'm not like... Go fuck your mother, okay?

I'm not a big wedding person. Me neither. I'm just, I don't get it. But it's your special day. I wouldn't want to come up to you at seven and go. I got to go. I got a six-year-old. I got to go.

I feel like it's going to be like a roast where everyone gets to get up and like a party. No? Why not? Why not? Or do it during the day so people can bring their kids. Listen to what I did. What? Which one?

The Denver one? Second one. Which was here? Yeah, the second one I did here. I went to Wilshire's little chapel. Oh. Right on Wilson-Labreya. They make it look like the paint Patrick's season.

I've seen it. Your parents don't even know. Your parents don't even know. They don't think you're, oh my God, she's in Italy. Yeah, Italy, good. You walk in, you get your friends. We went from there. How many people do you have?

Maybe four. I had a good little girl who my wife went to see today. She's 12 or 13. Was the flower girl. Aw. And we got married down there. And then we had the reception at the Hollywood Bowl because my wife worked at the Hollywood Bowl.

So they gave her the house. It's a special house with a band. could sit in and cook. A lot of people don't know that. Right in the property. I had it there. I got simplicity. Pistrami from Languze. With the fucking bread. So there's no bullshit, no Wolfgang Puck. No other that. I got fried chicken from Rouse. Yes, please. In the certain rouse in Hollywood, the black dude makes the best. The one on the Rock and Roll Bouse. He used to make the best. He would make it for you fresh and fish. He would fry the fisher.

and I also went to El Cocinito and got a cable with Cuban pork chunks with white rice black beans and bananas so everybody had something to check out. Did your wife have any resistance to this plan? No, because I made it on a Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

Oh, that's smart as shit. So everybody could come. I got married at one and at seven I wanted you out. No one had to take off work. I was home by 8 o'clock and number one I don't want you dressed up and please don't bring a gift. Your presence is more important to me some stupid gift.

And who officiated? The fucking guy down there. Just whoever. A friend of mine came from New Jersey and we went down there and then we all went to the thing. I was clean then. We smoked tons of pot.

And we just Rogan showed, Eddie Bravo, Red Band, Felipe, Ralphie. See, I like that. I just want simple. I don't even have fucking pressure in my life. But that was the main thing. I sent out on the emails.

No gifts. I don't like gifts make me uncomfortable. Me too. I gotta pretend it makes me feel like I have to perform yeah no and then they get that other thing where they I gotta buy your glass at a fucking mall at the woolen hills with your name on yeah for 23,000 hey I like the woolen hills mall I like the wooden hills no it's that called when you get read things remembered no when you get registered uh registry you know I'd rather give Whitney a yard a couple thousand for a wedding no Whitney wants these fucking forks I'm not that person at all so that's one of

I'm saying. So you have to decide. If I want something, I have it. What you want to do. I get what, you know. I would hate for you to have this big, illustrious million-dollar wedding. Never, would never. A year, find out you don't like the fucking guy. Would never. Well, here's thing.

That thing, I like him. If I spend a much of money on the wedding, I'll stop. I love this is, you know, I just think that it makes future resentments. I'm going to remarry my wife. No way. Next July. Rest or T feathers? Oh, yeah.

Let's plan it. I'm going to marry you somewhere around the first. the magic bag in Detroit? No, to make a 20 year. I like that place. Me too. That's a dope theater me too. I'm marrying her. Can we plan it?

No. Please. Me and Rogan can plan it. No, no, no, no. I don't want anybody there. I was going to say if anyone's invited, I'll tell them that day. He'll like, come over a three.

Ha-ha Cafe, 215. I do. I do everything that day, so I don't put pressure on you. That's the most possible pressure. Jump down the fireman's pole and get to my renewal of my vows. It's so fucking crazy. I just want to do it with her. Have the baby there so she gets to see it.

You know, so she gets always remember how much a dad loved the mom in case something happens. Come on. Yeah, man. Come on. Come on. 20 year anniversary. Why not? Where are you going to do it?

I don't know. I don't know. We'll burn that bridge. You could do it my house. No, I haven't even thought about it. Like, we just discussed it this year because I thought we were together 20 years. That's wild. It's next year.

Oh, God. I'll give some time. We'll be married for 10. Bit together for 10. But together for 20. How do you stay married that long? What is the secret? I was married when I was young and I hated it.

I thought it was a sucker's thing. I thought that a woman, the truth. You want to throw the cards on the table? If I married you, Whitney is because I knew you were going to cook and do laundry and I could ask you to fuck you. I didn't know what came with it, what responsibility is a man, what responsibility came. And then I ended up homeless with no kid.

I lost my kid. And you realized what it is. It's 50-50. Yep. I didn't start making money with my comedy until I started asking her for advice. Because we're whores. So, and then we ask, who do we ask for advice?

Other whores. Yes, that's so true. So, fucking true. So, fucking true. So you got to ask somebody who's out of the business that I looked at you and go, what do they want to pay you to do what? That's insane.

Tell them to go fuck to themselves. You're like, yeah, but it's NBC. It's so, But true. But he's my agent. He's allowed to talk to me like that. No, I just mean like, yeah.

You're like, why would you ever let someone treat you like that? Because they're an agent and we need like just the dumb like fucking. My wife calls me Spider like if I fuck up my wife calls me Spider like from Goodfellas the guy who got shot. He's like you're fucking up spider go get it handled. You know like so she's insane person's point of view. So yeah. No, I want to just what was the question? Stay married.

Stay married. 20 years. That's fucking insane. I give her the respect she deserves. I still do the date nights. I don't do stupid things with my friends. Like, you know, guys who go on trips. You think about, you think ahead of time of like,

what's the aftermath of my choices. Then I see the guy a year later. I'm getting a divorce or my wife cheated on me. Well, next time you go play softball with the guys, you're a grown fucking man. Yeah. You had from zero to 20 to do all the athletes you want it. Yes, yes, yeah.

You suck dick at it. Now you want to play. flag football when you're 40. Your wife gave birth 10 years ago. Once you're married for 10 years, the pussy gets way better. Remember, the pussy... Oh, yeah, because no more outside condoms, no more fucking

stress. Once I marry you, once you start dating somebody and you're with them 10 years, the pussy is tremendous. What about the butthole? I don't... I'm going to fuck my wife in the ass. That's disgusting. So,

20 years, the pussy's even better. It's used to you. It's like a temperate. You know, when you first meet a girl and you go down on them and you sniff that pussy, it snips tremendous, but it's got like outside orders. You can smell like different kinds of brands and shit like that. You know what I'm saying? Like toilet seats.

That guy used fucking... God. Dracar noir. But then the more you're with her... The pH starts to adjust to Uncle Joey. And the pussy gets tighter and adjust. It gets like... It's like fucking...

It's like putting your hand in the Hollywood Fall of Fame. You know what I'm saying? You put your hand in it? It's like a baseball mitt that starts to memorize your hands. Women are like a fine wine, especially when they stay with the same man for all those years. I'm like a cheap tequila. But then when the husband dies, that pussy's tremendous. And she's 50-52.

And she's out of Dan Tadders. Teebone steak, giving that hot pussy out. You got to be kidding me. Because now that's the problem. He's 51, you know, in Cuban you call them mediote impulse. What's that? Midway. They're at the midway point.

These Melio Tempos, that pussy's good. They can compete with 30 year olds. Really? Oh, those 50 year olds that have been married from 18 to 30. Because there's not all sorts of miscellaneous. No. They had a divorce. And for four years, they didn't think they had it.

And now they started going to the gym and yoga. Get the Kegels in. Those 50 years, how many 50-year-olds do you know in Hollywood? Jennifer Anderson's about to push 50. She did. Jennifer Lopez just turn 50 as well. They're not looking bad. Slamming. Slamming. And yes, there's things that go on there. 50 is the new 20. She doesn't drink alcohol. Yeah, yeah. You start, you really do start taking care of yourself at 40.

You start taking care of yourself. You understand that you can't do five shows unless you're in great shape. You cannot go up on stage if I'm tired. A lot of people are in better shape at 50 now than 20. You know, I want to do jih Tzu today. I went to Jijitsu today. I went to Jijitsu today. No. I rolled twice. It was fucking. in 97 degrees. I'm like but when I got up my ghee was drenched my underwear

was drenched you get that old out everything helps everything helps because we have to actually do two hours a night an hour show you're standing yeah yeah you know everything fucking helps this tour was the first time I really was like oh shit you got a like

this is the first tour I've ever brought my own microphone which I know is corny and everyone's would make fun of me I never did it in L.A Why? Because I kept getting sick. Yes. And I was so embarrassed because I had seen someone.

Do you remember there used to be a guy that came around the comedy store who brought a microphone on stage with a speaker? And everyone used to clown him so hard. I think it was more like the open mic circuit. You probably never met him. And I kept getting bronchitis. And I never had that before. And I don't know if it was because I was flying or I was just trying to do too much. I also was doing clubs this round and doing like six shows a weekend.

You remember I was doing like 5 o'clock shows, 7, 15, show, 930 shows. I just started getting sick. I brought my own microphone because and a doctor pointed it out. He was just like, do you share microphones with 300 road comics? I have like a microphone down my throat that has Bobby Lee's ball sweat on it. Of course I was getting sick. So I started bringing my own microphone and that actually really helped. What kind of mic did you get from?

That's a good idea. I don't remember. I was so embarrassed. But I mean, my opener could use it. It wasn't like a thing. But I just brought it with me in my bag and put it up. And I don't remember the brand. I can send it to you.

It was great. That's a great idea. I haven't gotten sick since. I'm very worried. That's one thing that worries me a lot about having something going on the road and you could smell the flu. Dude, it happens to the commies for all the time. You see someone like, oh yeah. And you're like, go home.

You're going to get everybody sick. One person's got strapped throat. Everyone's got fucking strapped throat. No, but if I had a really, really talk about the keys. I mean, we struggled the first six years, like anybody other couple, finding your identity. Were you touring a lot at the time? Yeah. I had no respect for her whatsoever.

Birthdays, Christmas. You got to have ritual. It's like, you got to figure out what, and I think everyone with, or like women, every woman values something different. I value stuff like that. I do,

I didn't have holidays growing up. Birthdays weren't celebrated. Christmas was, everyone was fighting. So now it means a lot to me. And sometimes I know it's stupid, but like a real birthday dinner just means a lot to me. Yeah.

And it doesn't matter why. Let's just do something fucking special and to save us too much. months of fighting you know sometimes you just got to just do it I've been here a long time when I saw comics come go but I also saw how comics ended relationships I saw I've seen a lot of relationships and I look at and no matter how much amount of money the relationship ends usually a relationship ends because of stress over money these couples have always had money so what was it that was missing it's time together

I love going on the road. I really do. I really do. But I have a six-year-old. And, like, I was going to go to Miami Thanksgiving weekend, which I'm still going. The Palm Beach Imprope? No, Miami Improv. I was going to do a theater.

I go, let me just do the club. Yeah. Six sets and do it great. Oh, it's great. But I was only going to go down on Wednesday. See, this is what I do now. I was going to go down Wednesday, sell out two shows. Yeah.

Thursday. Who gives a fuck? Go to Boston Market. Yeah. Best. Turkey. And then Friday and Saturday do two apiece. And I go, you know what?

Is the change I'm going to make Wednesday worth it being away from my daughter for Thanksgiving? She's going to be in about 830. So I'm taking the 10 o'clock red eye. And I get to Miami at 6th, southwest, southwest mint. Jet blue mint. Forget it. Over. I got my own.

I got 4A. Flying private. I'm by myself. I shoot down. And I got the other one. I got the, yeah, it's two and four. Get the little spritzers. The little min-sprits-spritzer.

I'll get the little bag with the lotion. And I got the plane ticket back just in case I want to come back. Because I'm in New York Friday. Yeah. And I'm like, really? I'm going to come all the way back to do two podcasts. And I go, maybe I'll do Sunday in Miami, wake up late, check out late, take like a 1 o'clock flight to the city.

Yeah. Get into New York at 4. Get something to eat, sleep, and then Tuesday do all that serious radio. Yeah. And then do Town Hall Friday. That's a thought. Yes.

That's a thought. That's what my thinking was. For Thanksgiving. But I don't want to be gone past a holiday. These little things I have to do because I have a family. Are you in your relationship kind of like I am a little bit of a loner? Like just by nature, I think that's part of the reason I'm good at touring. Like I don't get that lonely on the road.

I just don't. And I think sometimes when I'm touring a lot and I come home, I still sort of feel like I'm alone in a hotel. And my dude will be like, hey, what are you doing? And I'm like, it takes me a second to adjust. I just, I need a lot of alone time, which is maybe part of the reason I can be a stand-up, you know? So that is something that I think we struggle with a lot. I'm an only child just like you.

So I like my, like I hate when I walk in the house and they both attack. That's right. I like give me 10 minutes. I love my daughter. I love them. But if I go to do kickboxing for an hour and I get back at 10.30. I need a minute. From 9 to 10.30 in the morning, everybody's calling.

When I walk, as soon as I get in the car, I'm just hitting the phone. Hey, what's up? You have an audition? Hey, what's up? We've got to push the meeting back. Hey, what's up? So when I walk in, I got to start sending an email, and they both jump me. So Sundays, they both go to church.

They leave at fucking 9.30. So I take the first flat out. So I walk in at 10. So I got from 10 to 1 by myself. I empty my suitcase. Yeah, I just need to be a little. I give myself an hour. I go on YouTube and watch three videos.

Even though I have my wife and my daughter, I love them very much, my wife knows I need my shit. And my wife needs her shit. You got to need the same shit at the same time. That's the key. Like next week I'm not going out. Because I got to go to the book out the following week.

Yeah. I'm going out tonight. So I go out tonight, Tuesday, and then Thursday. Do you, when you're in town, do you got do shows every night? No. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. Monday is her. Wednesday.

are theirs. How did you decide that? I saw, I looked at the, I thought about two things. I thought about relationship. And I thought about, because we have big questions that we don't answer. I thought about the,

whatever returns. What do I get by going out six minutes a week? Diminishing marginal returns. Between, you know, not sleeping, not waking up with her. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday I can handle because I could still wake up with her, take her to camp, be apart there. You know, years ago, Led Zepp and went on tour for a year and a half.

And they come back, and now they played family for a year and a half. It's pretty tough to play family after you've been gone for a year and a half. It's like going to war. It's like they say when people come back from war, they have to do a week in Germany to, it's called neutralization. It's just, you're all of a sudden jarring. That's why I hate when people go, well, I'm coming. I'm going to Boston from Saturday to Sunday.

Wait a second. When do you go back to work Monday? Come back Saturday. Yeah. My mother's... I don't give a fuck what your mother's cooking. Come back Saturday because you're going to need a vacation from the vacation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What good is it getting off the plane at 8 and you got to be a working 9? Yeah. I'm just saving you aggravation, time and parts of your life. Forget the dinner. Yeah. Tell her to make it on Saturday. Yeah. It's the same dinner she's going to make Sunday with Uncle Louis.

She can make Saturday. Saturday at 4-year-out. You get here at 11 o'clock. You drive up to 4-5. It's empty. And now Sunday you do your laundry. Yeah. You look at your mail.

I just, I'm slow in my, like, I'm just, I'm meditative at home. I like to light a candle. I like to brush my teeth. I like to, I don't like rushing at home. Me neither. And I don't like feeling rushed and I don't like feeling pressure. So it's like that's what I've been adjusting to being in a relationship. And also I don't like being on or feeling like I have to deliver or perform or be interesting.

So it's been a little bit of an adjustment at home. going from like dating and like putting on my best self and being like charming and funny and telling great stories and then cohabitating and being like oh no I'm boring like most of the time like I'm not super fun to live with you know I wish people really knew like you like I wish people really knew they think I'm out shopping with fucking Tiffany Addish and Beverly Hills jumping up and down yelling at waiters squeezing waiters ass and that's not you know it surprises me when like I appreciate when people reach out

to do things like you know it's like the other day too short reached out crazy too short crazy to his party Thursday or one in the afternoon yeah I can't go I wish I could go to downtown at 1 o'clock yeah smoke dope I still got to drive back on the 101 and 4 and I got to be home for dinner I got to be home for dinner I believe let me tell the pet peeves I had growing up pet peeves I had grown up we're going to Whitney's house to call for her in the morning Parents were very nice. Dad was very nice.

Mom was nice. The siblings were nice. But while I was sitting there waiting for you, I would hear, Whitney, hurry up. Can you please give me the brush out of the bathroom? Jesus Christ, who took a shit this early? Isn't there a role?

And people running and people standing up eating a carrot and your mother eating a cereal because she's got to miss the train in 15 minutes. When I saw it as a kid, I go, I do not want that. No, hectic. My house in the morning, this is very,

Say car what's that they say in France and I say quah yeah in my house you wake up you get a cup of coffee you go outside I sit I have my coffee in the morning yeah I sit no phone no no talking no news no compete I don't even turn the news on no one negative no toxic pollution and you're thrown in the dumpster nope don't even turn it on I'd let in my water I don't need to know don't tell me I go outside I got a little vitamin D I drink my coffee at about 20 do two it's to get the fucking the H going and the pussy to get life tolerable and then you fucking open up social meeting I go to work promoting right and have the notebook I write my uh whatever for the day

what I plan to do while I'm feeling what I thought about last night's set do you sleep like a motherfucker yeah eight hours seven and a half wow seven and a half can you nap CBD all do you adjust it yes huh it's really helped The 2,500 milligrams I pop at night. Oh, shit.

No, the little gel caps? Under my time. Oh, okay. Now before I go to bed. So, Suns of Anarchy comes on at 11. I walk in from the comedy still 11. I pop it. I go in, I do some stuff.

I look at my notebook for the next day, and by 11.45, I'm already feeling. Yeah. I'm not going to sleep right now. And I go, let me watch the end. The Sun's Anarchy, and I'll watch that, And then I'll lay down and I'll, I'm older, so I pee. I do too.

So you pee every hour on the aisle? Every hour at night? Oh, my God. In the middle of the night? For a while there, it was terrible. There's nights that I just, and then I went on strike. I wouldn't drink water after six. And people, like, you get to have, my doctor told me, you get to have a heart attack.

And I'm like, fuck. Can you get like a little catheter thing? No. So now, no. So now I just started doing the CBD and I cry out there. Oh yeah you good in the thing yeah the full thing I'll makes you sleep also very good So to steam doesn't it steam and cry and crime And cry do you do it before you go to bed or just any time during the day I'm gonna do it today

Because you burn like 2,000 calories when you do it so right oh because you're so your body's working so hard to stay more The cold one today I usually do the like how many minutes does it go three three someone died in one of those be fucking in Vegas I think some yeah because they're doing drugs the night before. Someone was found dead in a cryo freeze in Vegas. Yeah, there's a thing, there's a guy that I met when I first started going to cryo, and I just bumped into about two months ago and apart. Like, hey, I don't see it.

And I'm going to go. I got a heart condition. They don't want me to go in. I think it's the best thing I do. I try to get in there three times a week. Yeah, good for inflammation. It's not for your breathing. Oh.

And it focuses your flight to fight response. Well, see, that I love. I love that it's just you realize, What is mental? What is perception? So you have to go in, close, and I put music on, and I focus on the breathing.

I make sure that... Keep your amygdala deactivate. Don't go in there right from yoga class because your underwear is sweaty. And then you're going to freeze. I made the mistake. I said, let me go there one day. And my fucking two nuts became one.

I could feel them. I could feel the one hug. The one nut was like, I'm cold. And the other guy's like, I'm cold too. hug and they just hug together. Don't they go in your body? Like up inside your body? It was like a little head and I went into the bathroom.

I looked at the freeze. Look like Disney's head. It was just a little frozen fucking, if I would put a wig on it. A little hemorrholy. Oh yeah. Look like your nut just becomes one. I got great nuts.

I really do. What does great nuts mean? Big? Big. A lot of meat to put in your mouth. But high up? Like tight, high and tight? I'm 56.

I got problems. You know what I'm saying? Or like just symmetrical. They're symmetrical. I mean, it's beauty is in the eye of the bottle. You know what I'm saying? I mean,

like chicken gizzard. What's the... One man's chicken is another man's got. Like an elephant ear? What the fucking show of the picture of my nuts? It's hidden from YouTube. Do we have pictures of Joey's nuts? Do you have pictures of Joey's nuts?

Yeah, let me find you. I didn't know that. The album cover of my CD. Yeah. I didn't know that. Oh, something. I called it where I get my balls from. That's right.

What is this and updated? Is this? This is the best story. How recent is this photo? This has to be about seven, eight years ago. Okay, so we need a new one. But the only difference is gray hairs and a couple of wrinkles. It's like you ran the rush or you're an app.

A couple. Yeah. If I put the Russian app on my nutsack right now, that's what it would get. Like a couple wrinkles and some fucking gray hair. The best was for me. I'm sitting there when I'm like, I really want to call this album something. What kind of picture can I get the forces? I was working Madonna.

What would Madonna do? Can I tell you, people don't think about that. One of the hardest things I think about doing stand-up is naming your specials. Yes. What would Madonna do? What would Madonna do? So I took a picture. Hold on.

I went to Felicia's house. Madonna would take a picture of her balls. I went to Felicia. I go, Felicia, I got a high first. And I go out in a big favor. And she's like, what is it, Joey? Tell me, that's not beautiful right there. That actually is a fucking unbelievable set of balls.

Look at that. It looks like Dolly Parts' tits. It looks like a beautiful butt. I'm going to leave them to you. I want you to take them out of the sack and put a string in between them and play that game. Remember the 70s? They have to crack a ball.

It's right, right, with the little ping pong thing. Oh, yeah. It looks like a... How good of the... How somebody has not asked me to model my... Bulbis. Can I tell you something? It's beyond me.

I actually thought you were joking, but I do think you do have beautiful balls. Beautiful. Bulbous. And you're lucky you didn't. see him from the left hand. I got a beauty mark on the left side. Like, uh, that's, I think I see it. It's like

there's something. What's the name? Ivis Loren. She had that beauty mark on the side of her face. It's on the left side. It also, it looks like Mount Rushmore. Like there's these beautiful, it looks like two redwoods. Like a redwood... Look at the heart in those nuts. There's a heart in those lungs right there. I'm very proud.

You, can I tell you something? I'm not even joking. I'd be the first to clown on them. They are very, very very well-constructed. wipe them they're fucking Do you shave them? I shaved them I keep them.

But you got to hold it when you shave you have to hold them out right? I got to beg my wife and fucking close my eyes and pray She does him? Yeah she shaved your balls Sometimes she shaves my balls for me

Because you know you can't put them in your mouth You do a happy marriage That's the key to happy marriage You got to have them shave your balls Do you shave everything? Sometimes I shave everything Just depending on the occasion There's no shampoo

The hair gets long And it's like I get split ends You can use a regular shampoo I don't want to use you. Use a different shampoo on your ball, your pubs in your head. I put conditioner on my head. I get soap, antifungal soap, and I wash my helmet. Okay.

I pull the skin back. Okay. Okay. Circumcised germs develop under that. And then I, uh, I, uh, you have to. A lot of people, a lot of guys don't know that. No. A lot of guys don't do it and they don't know it.

And it stinks. It stinks terribly. You got a shampoo to puberty. And then I put like, well, a borsome conditioner. Oh. But I still get the split ends. Well, a balsam. I don't even think they still fucking made that.

Where do you buy that? I don't know, 99 cents. You don't want to put my... Well, abalsum. It's not like you're going to put Maria Antoinette fucking ball conditioner on there. It's not like fucking, you know, Holly Berry's fucking... Fucking... It makes a fucking ball thing.

So you fucking... Yeah. That's good to know. And then you use a razor or electric razor or regular razor. I use a thing called Manscape. Oh. That it comes with a detachment so you can shave your nuts. It's just for nuts.

Just the nuts. Huh. And then you take it off and you shave around it. Uh-huh. It's the summertime. You don't want to have that fucking oniony smell on top of a 56 year old. No, I don't want to smell the scallops.

Oh, man, dick. I like Harry. I like Harry. People don't know how stinky their asshole gets either. Oh, my asshole is fucking horrid. In between, I call that stinkville. No, no, the Sting zone. The Stingville.

In between your asshole and your nuts sack. Oh, it's just the bog of eternal Stinkville. And it stays with you. And sometimes you're watching TV at night and you're like, man, I got a little hitched on and you scratch. And then you. Let me see what's going on down in Nutville. It's like under your nuts a little bit. It's like a little piece of meat.

And if you go too south, you'll scratch like the top of your asshole like a little bit. And you take that with your fingers and you just get a little whiff. And it smells like a really different. Like war. So I get the lufa. Oh, that's good. What I did was, let me tell you how convenient I am. I'm a fat dude.

So I grew up in the East Coast and I hated humidity, so I learned how to bathe. So I take a lufa, I pick up my nuts and I lufa underneath. I luf of the dead skin. And then what you do is I cut a little lufa. Oh. And I take that one and I learned how to wrap it around my finger. I put it like two inches in my ass and clean the fucking, you know, because they get bonnicles. You get bonnicles and cloud.

I think those are herpes, but yeah. Whatever the fuck it is. You clean around like I don't stick my finger in my ass I knuckle it you know that they like this like I get yeah it's like how you express anal glands right dog you go like this yeah you take it out and I wash it but you know there's these um uh the Korean Spans have these like gloves that are lufa gloves okay that you can go in and do whatever you got to do in the crevices you can get them for 20 cents on amazon you met 50 once it's a glove that's all lufa and you can just get everything you don't have to to be doing arts and crafts with your luflan. How often do you change the finger one? I cut it like every three weeks. Okay, no, no, that's...

I don't want to have a dirty, stinky recycling. I know, but I think, yeah, I think maybe... Is that a... Well, we have the bidet. I don't know. I have the bidet. I don't understand how Bidays work. How you bought this fucking house in 2009.

Without a Biday is beyond me. But I don't understand what it's washing. your shit or your balls? Everything. Just tomorrow call the glama. But I don't even understand where are you supposed to sit on it? Yeah. But doesn't it?

I've tried it before and it went everywhere. Right, because you have to learn how it felt like a squirter for the first time. You turn on the hot first. But do you have to have a towel? Yeah. Why don't you just get in the shower? Because maybe you're on a move. Maybe you ever come home with a guy?

And you swap and spit things are kind of getting hot. Oh, baby wipes. Baby wipes. I taste baby wipes. Oh, yeah, I bet. And I could tell you a baby wipes. I knew a girl in college who used to put cherry chapsick on her pussy. That's brilliant.

Yeah, that's a good one. Let's make, give me a number. Pretty good. I want to be on Facebook for me. It's like, it's pretty good. So what you do is you go in the bathroom, you turn it on, you sit, you take the sweat off your ass. you get a towel and you can put like a Somers Eve vaginal scrub and you just get it in there clean your nuts.

Wait on mine or yours? I've watched my balls with Somers Eve vaginal scrub. Somers Eve vaginal scrub will shine your nuts like and I'm, I wish I was trying to be funny. I used to date a girl and she had it. But Somers Eve is just soap. The best thing is just antibacterial soap. Why not use Summers Eve? It cleans everything.

Is this one of your advertisers? No, not at all. This feels fishy. No. Do they sponsor? I haven't bought it. I haven't bought Summer's Eve as a man since I got married because I didn't want my wife to know.

It does feel if I saw it, but if I saw Somers Eve at a guy's house, I think they were cheating. Vaginal scrub. Is the best thing. Does it have little scrubby seeds and you put it the old one? No.

This is 95. There was a girl I used to date. I'm not planting seeds in my ears. I used to date. On Sunday night she had a boyfriend. She was happily in love. Well, on Sunday morning, She would break up with him every weekend.

Okay. And her and I would go on a date and we'd play hookah roofie who first. And we would go out and I'd try to roofie her. She'd try to roof her. This was tremendous, tremendous. She was like a real sport. I loved her. Sounds like a very good sense of humor.

She was a real woman. She just was down. Where'd happen to her? She got married. What do you think of happens? Are you able to stay in touch with exes? Yes. Oh, cool.

She's just getting separated because she caught him having an affair with the waitress at their restaurant. Oh, no. She was with him. I loved her. She was like one of my best friends. Oh, cool. One night we went out,

we did a couple lines of coke. I noticed her body was banging. I ate her pussy. Then we stayed friends. And I never said none to nobody. Like, I didn't say nothing. Yeah. And then one night we went out.

We were at a parent's house. I was friends. Her father grew weed in that town that's really busy. So he invited me to the house. She was there with a boyfriend. And the boyfriend was acting like an asshole. She's like, get home. And she's like, what are you going to do?

And I go, I don't know. you got a gram a Coke she's like you mind if I come with you and then she goes can we take it right up to the bus stop the bus stop was a a strip club there was a strip club oh shit face him in uh now leave below wait there's a strip club there's a strip club called the bus stop the bus stop that is hands down the saddest name i've ever heard it that was run by like gangses but when the guy died he left it to the church so the church really owns the bus stop i don't At least they did in 95. But anyway, there was a little factory behind the back.

This guy with a missing eye, they got your roofies direct. I don't know what a roofie is. Like in the fucking rapper. Is that, is it? Ro-hypnal. Uh-huh. And it's a pill.

And people supposedly break them in half and crush them. And put them in drinks. And put them in your drinks. Right. Her and I were soldiers. We'd get a grandma blow. And then she'd take hers and I take mine. And we go to.

But why would you want to do blow and, isn't that an upper and a downer? You do the blow. blow and it gets you all fucking psyched up but then you get dead dick from doing the oh so you take the roofie to calm it down a little bit get you was Viagro back in the day thing yet 95 maybe but I've never taken my really I would not you don't need it you're just fucking yes I'm scared of my heart with those balls no I'm scared of what what it would do because it takes the blood away from everything no one needs to fuck for four hours maybe you do I don't know.

No. Four hours? Why? It's a long time. It's got out of here. What's time for that? You used infection waiting to happen? No, I would do, uh, I would fucking, I would never take the, I heard that there was gay men in Hollywood that would take Viagra and ecstasy and you put it into a liquid form and you take a turkey baster and you put it up your ass.

That's Rogan on Tuesday. Really? Yeah. After I bring up the piranha thing. This is 95, 97, 98. There was a gay guy Ecstasy Viagra up your assholes Gonna go into your bloodstream

Yes faster faster Like a lot of people I know you used to do coke in their ass With a finger With a cobra up with a lufo And you get fucked up on coke Jesus What's the difference between the feeling of going up your nose And going up your ass?

I don't know I never put it up my ass You never did it once? No I would have a if anything I would have somebody blow it in me with a straw Like a Chinese chick That good with straws You know what I'm saying Too bad I don't give a fuck about the Dauph

And if that's... Turtles. Get that straw, blow it up my ass like a savage. It can be an eco-friendly paper straw. You can't clean that. Oh, no. They would melt it with it all. But what if you have shit in your butt?

Sorry. No, you take a little bit. You put the finger in there. And then you put the straw in Chinese style. You got Coke rock up their fucking ass. And it's all low about the shop. Who do you think you're dealing with? Joy bananas?

You're always slinging. So, cocaine plus... And you do the cocaine to get amped up. and then you do the roofie to get your dick functioning. Yes. Huh. I would not have thought that. And to make it kinkier.

Huh. But wouldn't you forget all the stuff you did? Yeah. Don't roofies make you sleepy that? Yeah. That may you not remember. Not with the Coke. That rig or mortar stick.

Not with the Coke. That's sleepy dick. Not with the Coke. So with the coke, it's like doing a quailute. I have never done a quailute. The quailute can pass you out. Our quailute's amazing. Tremendous.

Tremend. I just gave the last one. I had to Jordan Belford, the Wolf of Wall Street, came on the show last week. It's a pill, right? It's a pill. And have Quailout's gone like out of style? What's the, is Glaxi cotton the new version?

Listen, you know, all you hear about is the oil period problem, the opioid problem, the opioid problem. We've had a problem with pills since I remember. Whether it was tumenols or Quayludes or Valium or Xanax, it's- Perkinset. What's happened that? I had a conversation with one of my dear friends because my dear friends

has this child that struggles with an opioid addiction and he's like, I don't know what to do with him and I always say, you know what? You're being a fucking hypocrite for starters. And he's like, no coax. You don't understand. We were doing coke, big fucking different. They go coke heroin pills, but it's true.

You know, these pills are leading these kids to heroin. It's cheaper. And it's cheaper. And it's cheaper. And it's laced with fentanyl, cocaine. Fetanol shit is unbelievable. You know what, man. I take a leaves.

I drink two expressals and I smoke a joint. I'm good. What would you say if you were like, okay, you're going to die in 20 minutes. What's the drug you do? I eat a piece of cheesecake. I get a New York egg cream and I smoke a cigarette

like a fucking animal. I would smoke a cigarette. Like if I got that old, like I would get more enjoyment. What, Marlboro? I've been a real. little pie that all my life. Really? I don't know. I mean, I knew that, but I didn't know.

I didn't know. Yeah. I knew at the age of 12 that marijuana did something to me. Somebody sat across here and said she had ADD and a bunch of stuff. And since she started smoking pot, she's gotten it together. I think I decided the same thing. I always had like low

self-esteem. Like I always had all these things from my father dying. Yeah. Once I found pot, I found the home. Pop throws me down. It takes away the background noise for me. I do at night before I go to bed. I had to take it easy because I was not,

the vapes, I can never quite tell how much I'm doing and I tried a couple different brands and now I just do like three or four hits before I go to bed. I was doing more during Roseanne because I was stressed out for obvious fucking reasons and I was starting to forget shit and I didn't

feel like I was quick. So for me like four hits before I go to bed is like the perfect amount where I can still be like quick and optimal. Did you ever do drugs growing up you know I didn't really I did like I tried everything except heroin I never did create the quail loads but I was never a I was always addicted to dramatic situations and bad relationships and not drugs I was I was addicted to drug addicts not drugs alcohol alcohol never did grow up in an alcoholic home and I was always the one poor in the alcohol

so I became the people pleaser I just never I never got a taste for it you ever have a drink anymore I do sometimes I can't wine gives me fucking migraine Me too. I can't. So, wide red. My thing is just not worth it, you know, because I'm like,

ah, this is fucking fun. But then tomorrow night, and I'm always doing stand-up at night. So I'm always just like haven't. But tequila is what I can do and not get a headache the next day. Here's how. I did time, guys.

I did a lot of bad things. But it's so weird how my mind works. When I was 17 years old, I saw a car accident. 17? I saw a car accident. I drove up on it. me and a friend of mine on a head of acid.

And I saw a horrible experience and I heard the yells and I heard the screams. And they had to get the jaws of life and cut, you know, all that shit. I'll never forget either. The guy said something when the guy took out a bottle

and he goes, they were drinking and that stayed with me. Like I have a statement. I hope it doesn't offend anybody. It's 2019. If you get a DUI, just fucking kill yourself because you're that fucking stupid. Yeah, and selfish.

I am just like a kid in New York. You hear about this thing in New York yesterday, two days ago? Guy went on an eight-hour shift and forgot his two one-year-old twins who were in the car. Now, how do you forget for eight hours that, you know, me and my way, and I'm like, we're to a point now where we know not to leave anything in the fucking car. Just don't leave anything in the car. You don't leave anything in the car. Your dog, your cat.

Not even for a minute. Nothing bothers me more than when I go, Lee, do you want a ride? Or, you go, Joe, do you want a ride? And also, then you go, click, click with your fucking car. I open your car, and you want to put a suitcase in the back of the trunk. Do me a favor. Start this fucking car.

Start it. And then do whatever the fuck you want. Get the air in here. For that minute, I'm sitting here like those twins. I drives me fucking nuts. Like those twins I'm sitting there waiting to fucking die. Because you want to put that. And then your mother calls.

Did they die? The twins die. Hold on. We're here. Start the fucking car. Start the goddamn AC. And then you can do whatever the fuck you want. You can walk, talk, as long as I got the AC on. I've been with people who have said, I'm going to go inside for a minute. And they've turned off the car.

I'm like, what are you doing? The reason I have the car I have is because I can turn my AC on while I'm walking to the car. It's on before I get in there. It drives me fucking nuts. Nothing drives me crazy. I've worked too hard. Then people putting me in their car and then going, hold on. I got to take something out of the truck.

Think ahead. I think. Start the fuck. So we all know that that, like, all that type of shit. Like, if you get a DUI, you know. Did they give him a blood test and he had been drinking? The guy that left the term. There's got to be, by the way.

He was doing an eight-hour shift. So what you're telling me, I don't know. So what you're telling me is in that eight hours, you didn't talk to your ex-wife or your wife? Your wife didn't call you and say how the babies are doing? Because I know when I'm on the road, I talk to my wife every two hours. I was mercy doing. What's going on? I did she like Universal?

Did the kid pick on it? And she smacking back? I'm checking. So for eight hours. So something had to be done. When they walked out, he either was doing drugs for eight hours. Passed out. Passed out.

Something was wrong. And I feel the same way about DUIs. I'm sorry if you're an alki or you're recovery. I'm not here to hurt nobody's feelings. But in today's DNA, again, I'm like, I'm a dad. One of the most powerful things I heard when I was going to AA meetings, when I was in Al-Anon, but I was going to open AA meetings, you know, helps you understand the disease.

And this woman was sharing, and she was like, everyone out driving tonight is safer because I'm in here. Hundreds of people are safer because I'm here. It's like it just blew my mind just thinking about it. She's like, I just didn't want to kill anybody. And I can do Coke and drive. I'm Mario And Reddy. You got to see me.

I used to do Coke and I would do 90 down fountain on a Thursday night. I could smoke a joint and I won't smoke in the car. Yeah. Very seldom do I smoke when I'm driving. I'll smoke when we get to our destination. I'll smoke before I leave the house. I think they give us a great deal here by letting you smoke and buy weed. Yeah, don't fuck it up.

You got to smoke in the fucking car, too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Now you're getting greedy. Yeah, now we're getting greedy. So leave the pot at home. You smoke, you go for a car ride. But the DU are like the, I cannot even sip.

I was like, man, I should get gin and tonic with an extra lime in this bitch. My fear, because I fall apart. If a cop pulls me over and I have, alcohol in my breath, I will fall apart. I can murder somebody. You come question me. Yeah. And I'm Joe cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when it comes to alcohol, I start stuttering. Really? Oh, my God. Is that because your tolerance is low? I just know. The fear I get from getting pulled over with alcohol because I don't have a ground to stand on.

Oh, that's... I've told people for years. I didn't have a license for 10 years. I got pulled over every Friday coming home from Irvine and Ontario. No shit. doing 90. No license. No California license. What did you do? Tell me the truth. Tell them the truth. I go, I lost it on the plane. I haven't got my California license. They didn't smell out. They have a

rule in L.A. on Fridays and Saturdays. If you're speeding, but you're a gentleman. Really? If you don't have alcohol in your breath, 90% of times I'll let you go, especially after 10 o'clock. Is that LAPD or is that all of it? They don't have time to be fucking around with you. That's so true. What they got, the background check. Yeah, yeah, I got bigger fist to fret. They do the background check. Then we get pulled over together, me, you and Eric.

How cool were there? Yeah. I don't ever have a problem with them. Never, ever, ever. Because without alcohol on your breath on a Friday and Saturday, you don't have a leg to stand on. Because even if we go to the Comedy Store, and Whitney says at 8.30, hey, Joey, have a tequila with me.

My show got picked up. Boom. And I do the 8.30 show when I do Joe's Tenorical. clock show and I get in the car 12 if I get pulled over, he's going to ask me a question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what if I tell him no? Because it was four hours ago and then I get out my trip roll. So as soon as you tell the cop, yes,

he's going to take you out of the car. Yeah. So just don't drink. And he won't take you out of the fucking car. That's right. I don't know how people drink and do stand-up. It blows my mind that so many comics do it. I could smoke pot, not right away, and do stand-up. The Coke I learned my first year

That's not going to work Co-cane the night before So many comics did so much I mean We're like the first generation of comics That aren't doing cocaine, right? We're the first generation of comics That really aren't doing anything

That's why if you have a problem today In the comedy world Like alcohol A drug problem, your career is not going to last No Because there's so many good comics That aren't causing problems That are drinking jamba juice and doing yoga

For 20 years ago Mitch was on the road causing problems. George Lopez is on the road causing problems. What was Mitch like? Mitch was a sweetheart. Mitch was just was his comedy at the time alternative comment like did he feel like could he go on stage after anybody? Do you know what I mean like today that would be considered like alternative comedy don't you think he was alternative but he was on a different level his writing charisma

was starting to do turn around and not do comedy in front of him he was just doing was he as a person was he fun

really we used to play tennis every day what at 98 me him Stanhope would go to Gorky Park on Vista

and for fountain that's a park there there used to be a Russian park and they used to sell drugs there but me

Stanhope Nick DePaolo Oh yeah Because Nick DePaolo And Mitch Hebring lived in the same building On Sierra Bonita and sunset Oh yeah that's a famous building So you had

Wolf was on Vista Then you have El Compadre And Ralphie Mae was on Shrader And then you had Sierra Bonita You had Mitch and Nick And then I'm curse on The two couldn't be two more dissimilar accounts

And they were neighbors So whenever Mitch Hebb would play the guitar Nick would throw him down from the wall. He fucking hated Mitch, like he would torture Mitch. Could not be more different. And then Curzon had Doug Stanhope, which he still has that apartment. He kept that apartment after all these years because it's rent control.

That's wild. He will not leave that place. I went over there at the other day. It's still there. So funny. So all those guys used to get together. We'd drink iced tea. And at 3.30, we'd go to Gorky Park.

And I still remember, like, he was killing. Mitch Hedberg was already killing at the improv. He was a big improv guy. Laugh Factory, I kind of remember. I don't remember him at the store, but I still remember him and I having a conversation about him going to New York. And me telling him that I think it was a good idea

because there's nobody else like him there. Everybody in New York talks to the audience and, you know, how you doing today? And was Stephen Wright still performing? Like, wasn't the closest thing he was stylistically? Right, to Stephen Wright. Stephen Wright was performing. But Mitch was just, Mitch was just climbing.

He'd like a swagger about him. You know, all that shit, you know. You ever move walking down the street? The guy gives you a sign. He's really saying, hey, you throw this away from me. You know, he was just, you know, the thing about going to the restaurant, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Yeah, clever as shit. He was on like a year or two row.

Then he got the big deal. Yeah. And this is something. This is how big the deal was. Like when they signed Mitch. in Montreal. On paper, it's supposed to be the biggest deal ever given. By now, they probably broke it.

His interest was, the interest was so high on Mitch that they closed the improv on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Just to showcase me. To people or to industry people? To industry. Wow. So everybody came back to tell their perspectives that the Mitch Hedberg train was open.

It was time to write their checks. So Monday was showrunner Tuesday was writers And Wednesday was the network You think I'm fucking kidding I swear to God That's how powerful he was They do not do shit like that

Any farx gave him the deal They started working him into the 70s show Oh right It must have been Chris Albright They were doing it right They were doing this one They were doing right They were working them into

To do like a sitcom Yes Fox They were doing it right because they take Whitney Whitney's never done a school play then she goes to read the pilot and they're like, ooh-hmm Yeah

And you have a sister that time The next thing you know You're playing your sister And you're playing your sister and you're playing That's right Yeah, that's right And then you get recast By Frank Drescher

Yeah So, you know There's just so many things that Wow But then he moved to New York And that's what he was really That's where you really Think of doing all those spots

Yeah yeah And he had Carolines and all those places. It was starting to get a little fool-fewish. It was 98, 97. And that's when Comedy Central was doing like, they were the specials and the premium blends. Yes, Comedy Central really had him. Comedy Central presents were, it was almost like the Tonight Show.

If you did one, you were just huge. And then I guess the drugs got a hold of them. And for a couple of years, you just heard stories, you know. I was in my own drug war. You know, Pablo Francisco, who I dearly love, he was causing havoc. But when you're on the road, no one can say anything. I still remember fucking George Lopez falling off a stool in Miami and they couldn't do radio on Thursday and Friday.

You know, everybody was pretty much. I still remember a tell in 99 in Miami at the improv, opening up for the weekend. But also, audience, they bring you drugs. Like, I mean, that's, I remember talking some comics struggling, like I just got sober, but people send me shots and the club owners give you drug, you know, I mean, it just seems like it was probably even harder back then. It was probably hard for a lot of people.

You know, let's be honest, I went on the road to do drugs. I didn't go on the road to do comedy. Comedy was just how I was going to make money to do the drug. Because it just felt like you didn't have any accountability. You were on the road. You could do that. I was a feature. No radio.

No nothing. After I do that 20 minutes, I sit by the bathroom. Yeah. And I just wait for the pigeons to come out one by one. We loved you. Are you dead? What's the story? What are we going to do?

Let's do a bump. I came with my boyfriend. So we'll get to Jack and let's get the fuck out of here. And the next thing you know, I'm gone. Yeah. There's no responsibility. That was I was into. I was into snorting and getting high.

Comedy was 30% of that journey at that time. It's so weird. I don't think I know anyone that does cocaine. Isn't that weird? No. Like, I don't know any of them. Like, not that I wouldn't call them out right now on your show, but I don't know anyone who's a stand-up that really does cocaine. And it's out there.

I'm sure they're out there, but I don't see it, you know? I don't see it. I don't see it. Everyone's juicing and everyone's fucking ketoed paleo. Like, everyone's working out with Rogan. You know, you and I both know that be a successful stand-up line to do what you want to do on the road and those shows and those theaters and the traveling and, you know, You know, if you land in Dallas sample and you're not in shape, you're going to die. Well, also, we're in this new thing now where people see you and they take pictures of you all the time.

And there's no, I get to behave a different way after the show or in the airport. It's everything. It's got to be very careful. You know who gave me amazing advice, actually, when I first started stand-up. Andrew Dice Clay was at the comedy star and I was such a young idiot. I was like 25. And I was like, had done maybe like a couple months of stand-up. And I was like, excuse me, what's it?

Do you have like some advice for me? And he was like sleep eight hours a night. That's all I said. It's the truth. Just sleep. It's a true. You have to take so much care of yourself so you could take care of the people that pay to come and see you. That's right.

They're saving money all year. I got homeless on all the wife. I said, look at you with a nice white shirt. I'm like, oh, hey, you can't sell a $10,000 truck with a $10 presentation. Do you think I dress too sloppy? On stage? making me think I should dress some more. No, I think you dress very

womanly. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't want to see your tits when I'm up there. I want you to cover them because why you have the distraction. Yeah, so I wear like nice hoodies, but sometimes I feel like, am I a little sloppy? You told me something once that stayed with me a long time

and you got a lot of respect from me. You said that when you came to this town, you had two choices. You could either suck dick or want to be one of the guys and you put your head up in a ponytail. And you looked as I'm as unassuming as you could. And that goes a long way. You know, I've seen girls that. There was a girl at the comedy store that had to take, you know, she was into old guys.

Like, she was like, no name. She was like 28, hot. But her boyfriends were like 60. Yeah. Because they fucked her once a week and they got, and one guy gave her a set of tits. They were fucking beautiful. She's a comic or waitress? She's done it.

This is 20 years. Oh, she's a Betty Ford. She would only show up once a week, and there was a beautiful fucking Porsche fucking Jesus. Oh, yeah, she was 24 hot to trot and Sukhalamink. Good for her. But whoever did, they did the tit transfer in Mexico. Transfer?

Whatever the fuck they do. Implant, they did in Mexico. Like, what's that? They didn't know what to do with this vein. Wait, is this true? This is a true story. What vein? I don't know.

Women have a vein that goes from. I have fake tits. There was no vein problem. She had a vein that for some reason the silicone pushed it out. So the vein came right through. It was like you were doing comedy with Arnold Schwarzenegger. She sucked too many dicks. That vein was.

So this was here, the cleavage, and this vein came from here all the way down like a fucking, like a bodybuilder's arm. When you look at a bodybuilder how their vein looked. Yeah, yeah. So she went on stage with cleavage and everybody would come out and go, Jesus Christ, that vein on the tit. You know, sure, because that's all they see is the vein of the tit. Cover that fucking vein. I don't understand. I don't understand.

No, I'm sorry. Maybe she didn't have a transfer. Maybe she got a cheap. Maybe she got a cheap. I'm sorry. Sugar daddy, and he sent her to Mexico. You know how they are in Mexico. You can't get your tits done at mini malls. You got to go to the real professionals. I do a chick that got a fist done and I swear to God. One was up here.

You got to be careful. The guy didn't use the thing with the little chemical. thing in there you know how you used it you know what the key to good fake tithesis what is that they uh when you go out on anesthesia they hang you basically on a crucifix and do it while you're standing up really yeah so that they fall right so most of the time they have you on a bed and they do it and then you're fink little fucking two alligator eyes you know but the good surgeons put you up on the wall and do it while you're standing up that's the most horrified i've ever seen Joey Diaz.

Oh, my God. But that's the ones that fall well, because most people have them, but the good ones don't seem fake. You know, and also under the muscle is the key. Well, none of we've come. Over the muscle just looks like. Joey's nut sex. How was it preparing for this next special you have coming out on Netflix? You saw me a lot.

I feel like preparing for this question. Yeah, a few times at Sycamore. Flapers a bunch. Sycamore. I like that place. It's weird. I feel like. And tell me.

me if I'm crazy or if this is normal. Like I feel like the more people know me as a standup, the scareder I am in a way to disappoint. So I feel like I can't do a shit at, you know, I have to do a shit at the comedy store, improv places like that. So this round, I really started going to like little shitholes. I went to flappers. I went to bars. Like I kind of was like, you know, the more success I get as a standup, the shittier venues I'm going to because I want to be able to just try out new shit and fuck around and not like if I'm following you or Rogan, I don't feel like I can try out new shit, you know, like I want to deliver because, I mean, you know, following this guy is a fucking nightmare. It's like, like riding an earthquake. So I, I, it was,

it was fun, but also a lot of work and the stuff that I was talking about, like, I was scared. This is the first time I've ever put a special out. And I was like, scared. Like, what if the PC police get me? What if I get canceled? Am I allowed? And that's what I called the special. Can I touch it? For a lot of reasons. But I was a little worried. I wasn't going to say the right term or get backflash in the comments. I was like, I got to fucking shake that shit off. I think just because of what's going on and all this, I'm going to pull up a tweet that you sent eight years ago and now you're homophobic.

I, you know, I was scared, which was. They pull up my tweets. I mean, you're, you're fucking, you know. I mean, we have to. I don't think people even bother with you. We really have to stop living. Yeah. You're a very decent girl, you know.

It's not like you took your dick out of a show. to some eyes not like you you know you're Sargento who you're marching but in the meantime you're rape for the hypocrite yeah yeah yeah you know what if you said something 20 years ago i said it yeah god knows what my state of mind was so if you take it seriously you want to that's on you i used to do the roast shame on you we used to do the most sexist racist offensive shit ever you know but i think i just i definitely i think the biggest part of this special is i wanted to make sure that i it didn't just work in new york in l. because we get a little myopic now.

So I did 43 cities everywhere in between New York and L.A. A lot of us go San Francisco, New York, L.A., got it. Let me tape it. It's like, that doesn't represent everybody. So I definitely especially talking about the stuff that's in the news. Like I talk a lot about the sexual harassment stuff. And I'm so glad, you know, that I did as big of a tour as I did, I was sick and it was hard. But, you know, I was talking about the Me Too stuff and sexual harassment.

And I was like, so does Me Too made it? it to Houston. I'm pretty sure it was Houston. And I was talking about like when your ass gets grabbed at work, you know, and this woman just yelled out, take the compliment and move on. It's true. I was like, thank you. It's true. There's different points of view about this.

Right? Not wrong. I can't judge. But I want to make sure that the special doesn't feel like a, you know, I don't know, I want to appeal to everybody. How long did you prepare for it? Honestly. A year and a half. Okay, so 18 months? About. But I did. I was doing two shows a night

the flappers, then I go to the comedy store, and then I was doing six shows at weekend. See, I've changed my whole outlook. I'm just doing the store from now. Really? Yeah. In L.A. Where were you doing?

You would do Haha Cafe. I do everything. And I just, after the Netflix special, I saw so many holes in my game. And I was like, that's it. Interesting. That's it. If they don't like the A material,

they'll get something. I know I have been doing this for 20 years. I'll come up 15 minutes. Yeah. Enough with going down and worrying about who you're following. But it used to be a comedy store. You'd go on and fuck around. There was 10 people, 10 Germans in the audience that got a group on.

Now it's every, I come off stage, it's every person that runs a fucking network. Yeah, that's the way. Everyone's filming. It's like. But they just want you to be yourself. You always can use eight minutes of material. Yeah. And substitute some material in there so you don't look.

I had to stop going to the other places. Yeah. Because even if I killed that flappers, I want to drive home, I'm like. Did that count? I'm a bully. Yeah, interesting. I'm over there with a bunch of, now. There's a poor girl over there that's been doing comedy for two years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I didn't think about that. And I went down and bullied her. So now she has to follow me, like, you know. You are, I mean, and everyone who's listening is a fan of yours and you know, You are, well, I would say one of the hardest comments

to follow right now. Yes. I told you about the time that I had to follow you and I started stretching in the hallway. For Netflix. Yeah, I was,

I started doing like, oh, and it's the first time I ever was like, hey, do you want to go next? I just, you can, like I was trying to get someone else to go just to fucking get the energy

back to fucking Earth. I always, after the Netflix special, I always want to act. I always want to, feel the way I feel before I go up at the store. I always want to feel that panic. Oh, wow. Do you feel panic before you go on at the store? Oh my God. Do you get that from him? He's told me about it. I wouldn't have guessed it, but yeah, he's only three years of

panic fear. I wouldn't think you were capable of that emotion. Because I was there. Think about being there when Mitsy was there. I had to showcase for Mitzie twice when she was the only person in the room. When you would have, when she would walk back and forth. No, didn't see that. do a spot and you got in your car and you're like this might be my last night at the store like I live through that wait like showcasing for her just for being there like her being there on a Saturday and you got an 11 o'clock spot when you walk in

she's in the booth sitting with with Eleanor and Andrew and Paul Rodriguez and she's like hi honey we're here to watch you and you're like okay and you have to go in the main room and Domera's in front of you oh fuck fuck and you're like no so If you thought you stretched that night, think of my job. Now you go up there.

So I would always be honest with her. If I saw her Monday, I would always tell her, I did great in the original room, but I ate a bag of dicks in the main room. I always eat dicks in the main room. And she would go, that's fine. What is that?

The main room, I prefer the original room to the main room. We all do. Is that the, is that true? Okay. We all do. I have done in time, the more you do these stupid Sam Trippley shows, Rogan shows,

and not that they're stupid. No, but it's getting your people. Mellow, comic. Every time they do a show and they call, you, do it because you're going down to any way to the original. You might as well jump on their show. Yeah. And you'll see, you'll do the, it's either or.

Yeah. Either destroy the original room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can't have both. Or destroy in the main room. God doesn't give it those hands. It's the worst. You come off such a high in the whole.

and then you have nine dicks down your throat and two minutes in in the fucking main room you're like, damn it. But the new joke worked in the main room. 20 seconds ago. Just 20 fucking seconds ago. Who fucked this up? And now they just stared me down like I robbed. I know. It's crazy. Where did you tape this at? Do you see? Sydney Harmon Hall. How many shows did you take? I did two shows,

but we did, I learned this the hard way because the first show is always a camera rehearsal. So I did a practice show on Friday that was just for cameras to see what I was doing. Because I'd move around a lot and the cameras they got at the camera people got to know how to follow me and um and then i did two taped shows on saturday and i used mostly from the second show Saturday and it comes out Tuesday comes out Tuesday August i mean july 30 yeah july 30th midnight yep I'm fucking so happy it's it's it's it's nuts like for me like I have some craziest shit happen at the end of the show because I

know I think I have a robot in it I don't know if I've seen that part of it there's a robot in the show, which is insane. Because I kind of just was like, okay, so my fourth special, I want it to be super memorable. There's so much, so many great specials now, so many great comics. Like, I just want to do something really memorable. So it's kind of a crazy experiment at the end

that'll make you feel weird. Now, you've done comedy specials for who? Two for Comedy Central, one for HBO. This one's for Netflix. I was the H. I love the HBO special. Thank you. You said something to me where you said

that you appreciated, I just, I fucked around with the crowd just because it's, really like that. I just feel like it, I think what is tricky about specials is you do every single night, you get to do something different. And then you're like, oh, I got to pick a tape. Like, I just, if it feels right, I just do it in this taping, even though it fucks up the continuity. It feels weird to not trust your gut while performing. I don't want it to ever feel rehearsed. So I had fucked around with some of the audience. And I just like, fuck it, leave it in. That's what happened.

She's got balls. That's what happens. What am I not going to? It's just another show. I try to treat like just another show. And what am I saying? It was, it was good. I'm proud of it. It's gonna get me in some trouble. You know,

I say that some feminists are assholes. Perfect. People are gonna be mad at me. But that's what comedy is. Like I just, I can't, we're not here to take care of your feelings. We're here to make you laugh and make you think

and the self-righteous indignation shit's gotten a little much. Fucking crazy. It's gotten crazy. I'm going to piss some people off and maybe that's okay. I just read, oh, they're changing fucking Halloween. What? The Saturday because too many people complaining that they don't want Halloween to fall on a Wednesday. So they want to change it to Saturday.

Who's they? Who are these people? The same cuckuckers that changed Columbus Day. Leave Columbus fucking alone. But they had to make ambiguous day. They canceled Columbus Day? Yeah, they canceled them out. What do you call it?

It's gone? Indigenous People Day. indigenous people day because Columbus killed a bunch of fucking people who this fuck was 2,000 years ago were you there no money but I knew once they'd change Columbus Day then they'd want to go for something they're coming for you yeah wait you you're gonna see Martin Luther King's neck and he's black yep yep fucking Nazi day they're gonna do everything yep yep these motherfuck we can't celebrate Nazi Day anymore no ah so it's a sad rule damn I love you I love you so much

congratulations thank you for taking the time on your busy schedule anything for you I know you got all these shows on On tap and you see I retweeted everything I love you. I love you. Thank you. Where can they find you beside that? Instagram. What are we doing?

Whitney.com. I don't do the TikToks. I don't do the Snapchats. I do Instagram and Twitter, 36 years old. What about the website? Whitney Cummings.com. That's it. Sure.

No problem at all. I love you. You look gorgeous as usual. Oh gosh. The best cheap bones of the business. I really, people think they're fake. I love them. Best cheap bones in the business.

Best balls in the business. Between us, we're fucking unstoppable. You're with team. I fucking do. I love you. I love you so much. What's your next date? Anything?

July 30th, Netflix, streaming, my special. That's it. I'll book dates in a couple months. Take it time, but hurry up, cock suckers. The Lincoln theater next Friday, D.C. Oh, best theater in the world. Saturday. I met whatever, but that's sold out.

But D.C., you got tons of tickets left. All right. I want to thank my beautiful Whitney Cummings. I want to thank the Christ killer, but most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for always having our back. Don't forget about me, though, right? Don't forget what Uncle Joey told you in the beginning of the show. Summer's here. Uncle Joey's here.

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friday the 13th in september i'm at the majestic theater in dallas smelling like gunpowder like the kennedy's tickets are left and then the next next night. I'm at San Antonio, Texas at the Aztec. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. It's Monday. Grab your fucking dick and go out there and knock door to door. You know what I'm saying?

Tell him Uncle Joey sent you. Whitney Cummings, the Christ killer. I love you. Kick this fucking meal. I love you. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart,

some, somebody, twice as smart as I a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me

who leave you to learn that misery loves company wait and see to see to see See how he does it

When he breaks your heart Two bits See if a puzzle fits So fine And that's when I'll discover That revenge is sweet Somebody breaks your heart

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