The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #706 - Joey Diaz on Respect

Episode Date: August 1, 2019

Joey Diaz talks with Lee about respect, and how when he was younger not having respect for himself or the world hurt his life. Joey and Lee also talk about how and why he started to respect things again, and how that has improved his life.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Upstart.com - The revolutionary new lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Go to www.upstart.com/church to see how low your rate is. Checking your rate doesn't affect your credit.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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That's upstart.com slash church. Kick this motherfucker, Mulee. Are you kidding me? Thursday morning. first wash your pussy and salute the flag motherfuckers it's a whole new fucking day and a whole that new fucking month it's the first and the rent is new motherfuckers it's fucking Thursday morning this is the type of music I put on the morning when I want to stab a motherfucker when I'm leaving the house ready to fucking take care of business this is the type of shit I put on this the

Yorman Brothers whipping post. I remind myself that I'm a piece of shit and I'm going out to earn what's coming to me. You understand me? To earn, to take back what fucking belongs to me. Anyway, we got no guess. It's Uncle Joey and the fucking crazy fucking Jew over here. I want to talk to you people about something real serious.

I'll get you in and out of here today. I got things to do and people to see myself. You know, every couple weeks we do a one and we pick a topic. And I'll tell you what topic has been lacking completely lately. And it lacked for my life from a long fucking time. And I had a little bit of it, but it wasn't until I got burnt and realized I was a piece of shit without it that you don't even think about. And that word is called respect. And I'm not talking about respect, like in the movies, like on the Sopranos or the Mafia movie.

There's so much respect. Where's the mafia? They all rat out of each other. Where's that respect? My point is just the respect of how. When I was younger, I was taught to respect. with white hair, you know, older people, and I did that.

I listened to my mother and I paid attention. But I had no respect for society. What did that mean? I lit fires, I threw things out my window. You know, I fucking threw fucking rocks off the bridge in Union City when cars were going under the underpass. I mean, I had no respect. And I was a kid and I was stupid,

and we're all stupid when it comes to that point. But I also had no respect when I turned 16. 17, 18. First of all, I don't have respect for myself because I was doing drugs. So when you're fucking doing shit, you're not supposed to be doing a thief, and you have taken away the respect for yourself.

And once you take away of the respect for yourself, what's left? You're really going to respect somebody who tells you to be there eight in the morning? No, because you took away to respect from your life by crossing personal lines that you're not supposed to fucking cross. So it's so weird how it took me going to jail,

it took me doing a lot of things to get that respect. And if you want me to tell you, it was jailed, I talked my respect, it wasn't. It was one thing. It was the religion that got me to where I am today, and it's called comedy. Comedy taught me that you had to have so much respect.

I love when you guys put, hey, get, you know, Johnny Watson, or put Joe bananas on the show. Listen, first of all, I don't know these people. I don't know these people. I don't want to know. Would you invite somebody to your house you didn't know? No.

I don't know these fucking people, all right? I got my little back cave here. It's fenced off. We got cameras here. I don't want nobody here. I don't want me to your house, and I don't want you at my fucking house, all right? When I look at different comics that I bring in here,

you might not agree with them because they're female, they're male, maybe they're prop act, but I've known them a lot longer than you do, and they gained my respect by something that they did. Do you think Rogan gained my respect by going to the UFC or, He gained my respect because he could throw a kick or, oh, he did DMT.

That's not how he got my respect. He got my respect because when he was on a show making an enormous amount of money on NBC called News Radio, after he would tape on Fridays, he would still come down to the comedy show to pick up his $15 check. There's people that can't fucking walk after taping a fucking TV show for 12 hours. Never mind, drive to the comedy store afterward and do a 15, fucking. dollar set why would you be making fucking I don't even know what he was making but why would you be that's when they were paying on sitcoms why would you be making all that money and then stop what you're doing and go to the economy store for

$15 that showed me a different type of respect that showed me that even when you get a TV show you have to continue grinding because if that show gets canceled then you're gonna be a fucking month you were too busy spending money hanging out with Jennifer Anderson, that the fucking whatever, you're a big shot now, but you turn your back on the most important thing, which is comedy. That's a complete different story. Respect is huge when you become a comedian. It's huge.

It becomes bigger. Why do you think I tell you motherfuckers to respect little things? Because little things become big things. I've sat here with Lee and told Lee a thousand reasons why you eat the certain things you do as it's not even for your health that's how I started with respect you're from the east coast how you're gonna eat fucking that was that pizza you used to go there and stand on line with those fucking gentiles oh pizza ref how are you gonna do that yeah and you have to put your foot down as an east coast and go I'm not eating that I'm not eating that I don't care if this is

the last pizza on earth I'm not eating and that's it and you don't eat it starts with little things you know little things of respect Bro, I will not even look at that motherfucker who played Charles Bronson, the mechanic. I think that was the biggest breach of disrespect in the history of fucking film. And then to chop up the movie, and you're sitting there going, Joey, are you fucking serious? I am fucking serious. I am fucking serious. You know, I have a dear, dear, dear, dear friend who listened to the podcast.

His name is George. His mom was a fucking tremendous cook. rest in peace. I loved it with all my heart. Let me tell you how fucking crazy I am. Okay? In 1933, which made me 30 years old, when I got serious about stand-up.

That was when I really, really, really jumped into stand-up. It was in 1993. She asked me one day, you know, what do you want to eat or something? She made a spaghetti and clam sauce. I don't know what, that. She was half-panamanian and something else. But didn't matter.

She made a spaghetti. and clam sauce that would knock your fucking socks off. The sauce was creamier than usual. You ever get spaghetti and clam sauce? It's like pasta with a broth on top and they throw a bunch of clams. That's not spaghetti and clam sauce.

That's some fucking malfunction that you fucking learn somewhere along the line. You know, well, it's got a lot of clams. Yeah, but it's just a fucking chicken soup broth. I'm talking about when it goes into the pasta when you bite the pasta. These fucking idiots forgot what that is. But anyway, I'll make a long story short.

talking one day and she says to me that what do you want I want you to make me spaghetti and clam sauce all right so the next day I saw my buddy Chrissy fish and I asked him for a bag of musk a bag of clams and he gave me a beautiful bag of these fucking clams they were fucking fresh I just got him from the from the fish market he had just got him from the fish market that morning took the fucking crabs I borrowed his truck I took the clams bought this truck drove to Mitzies at about 12 o'clock. She was just getting ready for her dana. Go Mitz. Here's the clams for the

spaghetti and clam sauce. Boom. She's like, they're fucking beautiful. Where'd you get these? They were like those nice cherry stones, whatever fuck. I come back that night, 8 o'clock. Now, listen, I'm the type of dude that once you tell me you're making something, that's all

I'm thinking about all day. If you tell me you're going to make me chicken cutlets with cream corn and mashed potatoes, and I get over your house, and there's a salad. We don't talk. That's not what was on the menu. That's not how you got me here. You lied to me. I'll eat the chicken cutlets and I'll eat the salad,

but now I've got to put you on a watch list like you're a fucking terrorist because you fucked with my emotions. All day I was thinking about those mashed potatoes and the fucking cranberry juice with the seltzer in it. You know what I'm saying? Then you have like fucking diet coke. I need this. What happened to the cranberry juice with the seltzer? Anyway, they make a long story short.

I get the fucking Mitzis. house at 8 o'clock. I stopped. I got off the bus and walked like a mile to get an extra piece of nice bread. I get to a house. I go Mitz and George was there. I don't know George was there. Grandma was there. I go Mitz, what's up? She goes, I'm in the back. Help yourself. It's beautiful. Now when I walked in, I smelt this weird odor, right? I smelt this odor that I knew I did not like, but it didn't matter because I was there for the spaghetti and clam sauce. When I opened the pot to the spaghetti and clam sauce, the odor hit me in my face, and the thing was like green.

I slammed the thing down. She came in. She's like, you're going to get a plate? I go, Mitz, what is this? And she goes, that's spaghetti and clam sauce. But I tried a new recipe. I put curry in it. I fucking took my hat, put it on, and I walked out of there.

And I didn't talk to it for probably two years after that. That's how serious I am. That she insulted me that dearly. A couple of years before. I went to Thanksgiving at some fucking bitches house over here. Some skinny little white bitch here in L.A. She was a casting director. Thanksgiving at 9 o'clock.

Who has Thanksgiving at 9 o'clock at night? So all day long you had to sit there and eat crackers by yourself. I knew there was a rat, but I had agreed to it, and all my friends were going to go up there, so I went with these fucking morons. My wife was my girlfriend at the time. We had been dating for about two years. She advised me not to do it, so let's have Thanksgiving in the house.

me I was trying to be Johnny nice guy I get up there and she served those potatoes that come from a box you know those mashed potatoes Instant mashed potatoes When I see instant mashed potatoes I think of prison

And I think of papayon I think of bad situations in my life Because I grew up I'm 56 years old And I can tell you that seriously Seriously I don't know anybody Whoever you use box mashed potatoes

They're so easy to make Why would you Listen just shut up no no I'm saying regular mashed potatoes are easy oh sorry no no no tell me that

no no no I'm not that lazy like I'm not gonna fucking talk to you like if you use mashed potatoes out of a box I can't come over to your house I really can't it's just a lack of respect like you just really you can't put a potato

and boil it and chop it up even fucking mortadella over here just said it's easy to make mashed potatoes a little sour cream a little milk even me that's a fucking the worst cook in the world I could put together mashed potato let me tell you some and then she stuffed the turkey no no it didn't end there it didn't end there like my blood pressure didn't fucking go over 2000 over how many years ago 20 years ago it had to be 15 fucking years ago she was dating a guy named viny a real fucking loser and I was

planning on robin viny Vinny had owed the government money and he was stashing 200 large in the trunk of his car and drive around with it oh no and this girl was flapping her mouth telling people she didn't know I was ready to take this guy out he just had a secured gate I had to figure out how to get to the secure gate and hide and then I would call her she'd come down with him and I clock him in the head but she's a nice kid she's from Texas you know she was like a jersey girl I could set him up and we'd split the money because what the guy wasn't going to say nothing the other guy weighed 80 pounds and that's what if he had two rocks in his pocket I swear to God this is how broke I was at the time

she told me one day she's like he has a lot of money because he owes the IRA money so he keeps in the chunk of his car I'm like that's all I needed to know I walked I walked over there a couple nights in case that he parked this car right next to the fucking sliding gate too so all I had to do is wait for the gate to open slide and hide under the car was a little fat at the time so if I got under the fucking car would have tipped it over like it happens it would have been fucking on two legs so I would have to hide behind the car with a pipe and hit them and make sure there was no cameras and dress and black and then I couldn't

put my wife in on it, so that means I had to walk. I couldn't borrow her car. You really thought this whole thing out? Oh, yeah, no, no. This is what people like me do. So, okay, so. They lived, you know when you make, okay, they lived on Orange between Hollywood Boulevard and Franklin. Okay.

So the 101 has access right there. All I have to do is go up fucking boom and I'm on the 101. That wasn't the problem. I didn't want to do it in a car because the only car had access to was, see, if I was in Jersey, I could borrow any of my friend's car, not even tell them. Right. Let them get a call and let them get surprised, and they get mad at me,

and then it all goes away because it wasn't them. I would switch to plates and get a different plate and borrow their car. And I thought about doing the same thing with my wife. It takes you 10 minutes to steal plates from you. You know how many packages they stole from your house? Yeah. You can steal plates in the fucking parking garage.

Oh, I'm sure. Just steal two plates, put them on your fucking car, because you're only going around the corner. So you drive side streets, but it was Terry's car and it was in her name and she didn't need the fucking dose so I just figured since they only lived about a mile from my house it was even easier

I could bang them on the head take the package put it in my own bag drop his bag there with gloves walk out onto Franklin walked down Franklin to Highland and just hoof it down the block to the fucking Hollywood Boulevard there I am with 800 people good luck

yeah this was way before technology and the face stuff And he wouldn't have caught me and he wouldn't have said nothing. So what did you put it in that turkey to make you hate him so much? A fucking a duck. Oh, you made a Tudduckin? A Tadunkin. And I didn't get to surprise until I tasted it.

And it tasted like fucking somebody's asshole. So I put the fork down and probably I was ready to start fucking crying. And my wife saw me that I was ready to cry. So I basically got up and went outside and smoked like 18 cigarettes because I was so angry. And I grabbed my wife and I said, let's get the fuck out of. The point is, I didn't talk to Stacy from November of that year to like the following June. And when she called me, I was still so mad. Like, she kept calling me.

She kept calling me. Like, why isn't you talking to me? What's the problem? And when I was all fucked up and she called me and I saw it was her. And she kept, I don't know how I knew what she wanted. Oh, when she called me, she goes, I need to know why you are so angry at me. And I go, what you need to do is get a cookbook. And I hung up on it.

That's how pissed off I was at it. Because I know it really well. I love it at that. But I thought that she knew better. She's from fucking Texas. Who makes fucking mashed potatoes out of a box in Texas? That's what happens to white people from Texas when they come up here. They start hanging with these fucking granola heads and these fucking, uh, these non-glutin head motherfuckers.

And then they become soft. I've seen it a thousand times. Some Texans are fucking tough to the debt. I love Texans. I ain't saying nothing bad about Texans. But she's one of those taxis, that's like from Houston, from the yuppie side, and they jump up and down and all that shit. I still love her. I still talk to it three times a week.

I break the balls. But my point is that... Little things become big things. Little things become big things, and it's a joke for some people, and it's a joke, but I take it that seriously. Because if I didn't take the little things that seriously, I wouldn't take the big things that's seriously. You know, when you become a comedian, there's different programs. protocols that you have to do and you have to respect. And if you go outside those protocols,

then we have nothing. It's like everything else in life. You know, I love the UFC. I love to watch fights. Who doesn't? Who doesn't want to see a fight? But I'll tell you what I didn't like. I didn't like the UFC when they started with the trash talking.

Because, like I've always said, what Lisa Ayak could get away with, And what Joe Deere's could get away with, it's two different things. And what Joe Deers could get away with, and Joe Rogan could get away with, is three completely different things. So even with the UFC,

that little lack of respect and no disrespect from it started with Chale Sondon and Anderson Silver. And if you look and listen to the tapes and whatever, as much as I like Chale, there was some awkward things said that, you know, listen, you want to call me fat, ugly, you went to prison, blah, blah, blah.

That's understandable. I put that out. there so these are my choices once you go beyond that barrier then it becomes personal and now you're baiting me and now I understand what you're doing psychologically didn't work for jail you know it didn't work for fucking McGregor against Khabib you know it just it's a respect thing you know Mazvedal got asked the same thing a couple weeks ago and he gave his answer and I put over it that it was white privilege and people got pissed off at me

I wasn't, it's the truth. Some people could say some things and some, well, let's just do this. Let's nobody say nothing. Let's nobody say nothing. Let's go back to being gentlemen and we won't have this fucking problem. There's somewhere, it's a martial art. There has to be a respect. There's something I hate more than anything in life.

More than anything in life when I go to a martial arts class. and it only happens in California. When I was in Jersey, as a kid, as a child, where do you think I got that thing from? You couldn't be, you had to, if a martial arts class started at four, you had to be there at 345. Not 355, not 350, not 351, not 348, 345, you had to go in the bag, take your slippers off,

put your fucking geese on. or if you walk them with your ghee. You ever see those fat little kids with a guy on a McDonald's after class and you want to smack the parents? Take the ghee off. Now everybody knows your little fat faggot takes karate and they're going to pick on him even more now.

It's unbelievable. Take the fucking guy off. You got him in a fucking McDonald's on a karate suit on like he's fucking bong kung hung him. Take the fucking suit off, right? Give the kid a break. He looks like a dummy as it is.

Now you've got a karate suit on the fucking kid. Get a fucking burger king, you fucking mutt. Anyway, so. Who's Bang Hong Hun? I don't know. Some fucking chairman. I don't fucking know.

What he bothered me for? I'm sorry. You know, he dressed up like the Korean dictator at fucking Dan Tanners with that fucking Eddie Munster suit on. You need that shit in your life. Just wear the cloak and bow. That's all you need to do. It's serious. So you broke my fucking train of dog cock sucker.

So what I'm trying to say is here. Yeah, you had to get there early to get right. You gotta get there early. You know, in California, these people walk in after the warm-ups. They walk in during the warm-ups. Oh, God forbid, there's a celebrity in the class. You gotta see how he acts. You think he does the warm-up?

Nah, he'll take barbells and start doing curls, just to show that he's a celebrity. That's why most of the celebrities just the fucking teachers tell him. They've got to do privates, because then he can do whatever the fuck you want. Remember, if you book a pride with John Jock, it's $400 an hour. If you show up at 10 a half to four, that's 10 minutes out of your time. He's still going to stop the fucking thing at 4 o'clock.

He's only going to give you a dead hour. And that's the respect you have to give people. But most importantly, it's a respect that you give around you. Let me tell you something. In comedy, I've had a few fallouts of people, but it's just like life. It's just like, I know that. the people who listen to the podcast are very nice people, but I know that you don't like some of the people in your office. I know that maybe your boss, you don't like them. We're not programmed to

like everybody. God wants us to love everybody, and we do in a sense until they rear-end this, and then they got no insurance. You know what I'm saying? Somebody rear-ends you, they got no insurance. You're going to get fucking pissed off at them. But you can respect everyone. Doesn't mean you have to like them. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. So just listen, there's a thousand. comics but I don't want to hang out with I don't want to take them to dinner I I basically I barely want to see them at the club but I respect them for what they did I knew about a situation in their life where they were down just like every other fucking comic and they took a positive and turned it into a positive you know I

could tell you 30 of those fucking stories and why these These people are my personal heroes from Felipe Espaza to Kevin Hart to Bill Burr. You know, I saw these guys in a flip moment. Ten years ago, Yudor came to me when Kevin Hart's show failed on ABC and told me he was to sell more tickets than any fucking band in the fucking world last year, I'd say to you I could see it and I wish it does, but I can't see it. But he knew something I didn't. when I saw Bill Burr after the show got canceled in 98

and he was upset that this was the biggest shot of his life and it's blown I under you know I knew I first off when Bill Burr told me that I knew his world wasn't over there was no fucking way I just knew it he was too funny even back fucking then he was hysterical so I knew his world wasn't over he regrouped took a plan and now you have to give him the respect he fucking deserves just because you may not like a fucking comic well i saw his special and he see you could name me any comic and i'll show you a certain respect level that i have for them jim carrie i'm not a big fucking jim carrie fan oh yeah i'm a fan of his first fucking two movies but after that i heard a couple things i've seen him a couple times

he put me on his tv show i'm not a big jim carrie fan as a fucking like i'm supposed to fall over myself like most people are but i will tell you fucking that he lived in a van for a long time with his fucking family and that every dime he has today he deserves for what he went through I know what it is to sleep in a van I know what it is to sleep in a park I know what it is to sleep in a fucking apartment I know what it is to sleep in a house you know when I went on the road with jo rogan I know what it is to sleep on a four seasons and I also know what it is to go on a road on a triple run and know how to sleep on a motel six that smells like fucking you know like you're in fucking Baghdad you know between the gunpowder and the sandal dust

You don't know what's worst, you know. So my point is that you get to respect certain people, even if you don't like them for what they've done. You know, when you get, when you have, when you're a comedian, you get certain times. Like when Lee goes with me on the ice house last week, Lee got 10 minutes, Rachel got 15. You know, now you get a thing called The Light.

Lee, the guy will come up to Lee and Lee, how many minutes you're doing, Lee will look at me, give him 10, give Rachel 20, and I'll give me a light at 40, okay? When that light comes on, that means to wrap it the fuck up. That means no matter where you were, wrap it the fuck up. Listen, if you do 11 and destroy them, if you do 13 and the place looks like the fucking garlic festival, There's bodies everywhere, and they're running out like Godzilla's showing up.

Right. I'm not mad at you. Oh, that's a good thing. Okay. I thought the guy was going to do with that. I'm not mad at you at all. You know, when I go on stage, if I get a light at 40, and I do, and I'm supposed to get off at 50, and I do 56, I'm not really mad at me at all. Like, I understand those things.

You're in a momentum-type era. It's when I give lead. the light and he not he doesn't just wrap it up but he starts another bit another bit right and he'll do 21 and yeah he did okay and i'm proud of him and all but he did something along the line that you're not supposed to do he went over his light okay so when you go over your light you're telling me as a comic that you really don't give a fuck about you or the rest of the show Let me tell you something. I know when I'm fucking bombing.

Nobody has to tell me. When I did New Orleans this year, I felt I wasn't getting the reception. Maybe my timing was off. The humidity, I failed you guys. You know, when I went to Charlotte, I had good sets. And when I went to Columbus, I had great sets. But last night, I ate two dicks. I went out to the comedy store.

I did a Rogan show, didn't really connect with them. And the original room, I didn't really connect with them either. I get that. I'm gonna tell you what I don't like. If I'm having a bad set, just out it. Just out it at your time. Don't stay up there and make it worse and run the light and then ruin the show for you, them, and the comics behind you.

Because you're part of something bigger than you. When you go up there and run the light, you're telling me that you don't give a fuck about it. that you don't give a fuck about the other comics. Listen, I'm not going to lie to you. When I was a feature act, and I went to the comedy store, and I got really good at featuring.

What's really good at featuring? A deadly 25. I had a deadly 25. If you gave me 35, I wouldn't even be close and how good I was. I had that 25-minute spot to a fucking debt sentence. And from the 21st minute to the 28th or the 29th, From the 21st minute to the 25th, you were going to roll.

You were going to die. Now, there was a couple clubs I was going to where the owner would pull me aside and say, listen, this headliner tonight is going to have a hard time following you. I want you to whip him a little bit because he sucks dick and he's been asking me for more money. So if you whip him a little bit, I did that. And I got to tell you something that I didn't know then, but I know now,

or I realized years later that was wrong. That was wrong. Because I shouldn't have been going up there as a feature act and trying to steal the show. A couple of weeks ago, Lee asked me, what was the difference between going on the road and doing a show at the comedy store? And I said, when I go on the road, I go to give you a show.

When I go to the comedy store, I go to be remembered. I did not say I'm going there to take over the show or to be the funniest. God, did I say those words? No. No, I said to be remembered. What does that mean? To do the best

I could do, to leave my heart on the fucking stage, and to make you laugh, okay? When I'm bailing, when I'm dying, once that light comes on, I know I died. I know I failed you as a comic and I fell myself as a comic.

I feel bad enough. I'm getting the fuck off there. Would you ever go to a room where the guy is bombing or the woman is bombing and she gets a light and then she extends it and now you're just you just you ever nail the coffin all the way around the coffin's already shut now you're just nail in the middle but fuck with the guy like to be to be like your chinese torture bed or whatever the fuck they call them like a bed of nails that's disrespectful because you're really ruining the show i'm gonna tell you guys something okay right off the bat and i don't know what you guys think

like right now they're getting me that they want me to add second shows to these theaters and I don't want to do it and I'll tell you why because I don't get to see you guys after the show I don't like two show nights because I cannot shake your hand the shows we have so much

little time in between shows that they need to seat and I don't it's just too crowded in these comedy clubs I stick around for the second show And I shake hands

And I take pictures When I go to a theater I come out The reason why I'm not adding An extra shows in the Borgata Is because of that I don't want to You guys sold that out

In the fucking week What am I going to do Let you guys come in for the early show I want to come out there I want to walk around I want to gamble a little bit I want to talk some shit You know

Now when I do those two show nights Let me tell you something If you came to Columbus so you came to Charlotte this year, any of my shows, you guys know that when I finish at 52 or 56, I still got another 15 minutes left. You do know that. I got another 15 minutes left,

especially if I open up with material out of the air and I buy myself time, I got another 15 minutes left that I could give you. But I can't give it to you. Do you know why? Because there's people outside standing online. And they could be out there in the fucking rain. and you ever show up somewhere

and there's a long line and like what's going on well the comic went late so now the show's going to run late now these poor fucking people are standing outside so yeah by me doing some more time and you guys getting a longer show

I'm fucking the people on the second show because I'm making them stand out there like fucking mooks on the middle of the street Lysayette do I stand on line anywhere No. I refuse. I don't need to go there that bad. When I fly, I have clear.

That's to avoid the line. When I fly, I cut. What I tell you guys? Whether I got first class ticket or not, I got on the first class line. There's always three people on there. I don't give a fuck. I'm not standing on that fucking line.

And if you don't let me in, I'll leave for an hour and I'll come back and try it again. But I don't want to stand online. Me going to Austin to stand on line for barbecue, you got a better chance of seeing your mom in a high school porno than fucking thinking I'm gonna go to Austin to stand on line for your fucking meat. You're out of your fucking mind.

You better hire more people or fucking get your productivity levels up. But me standing online is not a cool fucking thing for me. It never has. And if you like standing on line, you know what? You better rethink your fucking life. I don't want to stand online. So I know when I'm on stage, I got extra fucking time.

But guess what? I got to respect those people out there. And you know what? Out of respect, I'll give them the same 54-minute show because I don't want no nothing. I don't want you to bump into one of them and to one of them to say, well, he did an hour and 15. Oh, fuck.

He only did 52 with us. He went, it was so fast. So I'm always thinking about the respect factor. I didn't have that train of thought when I was a fucking civilian. I didn't give him a fuck about nothing. Fences, doors, windows. I didn't give a fuck about rules. But for you to get anywhere in life,

it starts with responsibility. And responsibility is cousins to respect. Responsibility is a direct cousin to fucking respect. Because without responsibility, you won't have no respect. And without respect, you won't have no fucking responsibility. I could say to you guys, you know what? I'm coming to fucking, the Borgat, D.C. next week, the Lincoln Theater.

Do I have to get on stage tonight? I don't have to do shit I could go into fucking Lincoln into D.C. next Friday without doing a fucking set till then I take my chances and I don't really go to fuck whether you like me or not

or whether you're happy or not do you think I would do something like that to you guys not at all I'm doing two shows tomorrow night I'm doing a show Sunday night and I'll do two shows Tuesday night then I get on a plane I'll do another show Thursday night

so I'm ready for you guys and I'm not saying I'm not gonna bomb. I'm my bomb. The percentages are on the wall, but guess what? I bombed twice last night. So I got those two bombs out of the way for the fucking week or two, you know what I'm saying? So that's my percentages. I don't have to get on stage. I don't even have to write. Do you think I would do that to you guys? I want to show up there so you guys could go. Last time he was here, he said that joke, but I didn't hear that. That whole new first dirty was all fucking new. That's called respect. You know what, guys? I get calls from fucking people all the time.

Joey, your ticket prices are too low. Why don't the fuck you do your ticket prices higher? You could charge $45. You could do this. First of all, somebody tweeted me something yesterday that they paid for a fucking ticket. They got an $18,000 fucking service fee. Do you think I make any money out of that service fee?

Do you think I'm happy about that $18 fucking dollars on top of what they're charging me to play that fucking theater? No, I'm not happy about it, but there's nothing we could do. It's a cost of doing business. Pearl Jam went to war with fucking ticket master in the 90s. A lot of years were too young to remember. And they lost, and they could only do four ticket master shows a year. And they had to go on tour with fucking different bands.

And it was a nightmare. What would you want me to play? Some fucking rock and roll club, where you're going to get hitting the head with a fucking bottle? So I got no fucking choice. Yeah, I could go back to the club. And after I saw the $18 service charge, I will go back to a club. And guess what?

I'll keep my tickets moderately. Why? It's called respect. I'm not, if I charge you 45, what's I going to do? It's not going to make me or break me. It's not going to turn me into a fucking multimillionaire. So why would I break you? Because I know in my heart that you have a babysitter,

you have drinks before, a restaurant, you have so many hidden costs besides that $30 ticket, parking, a condom, you know, whatever the fuck you, there's cost. So if I fucking say, yeah, $48, $50, I saw some ticket prices. year for shit that I almost fucking died I almost fucking died I don't know how these fucking people could sleep at night I see listen the stones they want 900 they deserve 900 that's 50 years bitch when you're doing something 50 years

whether it's sucking dick or playing fucking the drums I'll give you fucking 900 a ticket you know I'm saying they want like 900 a ticket the stones deserve it but I see ticket prices that I don't know how people could sleep at night when I go to a dodger game do you know how how guilty I feel? Because I know the normal family of four cannot go to these games at these ticket prices unless they sit with animals. And so their two little kids got to hear fuck shit, cock sucker, cunt, fat fuck, pitch, all fucking night and smell pot and see syringes. You never know what the fuck you're going to see at these stadiums. We're getting head with a bottle.

So the normal American family, you know, when I was a kid, you know how guilty I feel that I went to two to the hundred fucking Nick games growing up? Minimum, 200 Nick games. I don't know how many fucking concerts I went to. $1.50 a ticket, $8.50 a ticket, $5 a ticket. Now a fucking Laker game is $300. A family of $4. What are going to get $1,200 for from?

Plus $50 to park, plus an $18 hot dog. That's not respecting your fans. That's not respecting nothing. That's just going to, you see what we, we get robbed at every fucking level of our day. Whether it's flying, there's always that hidden fucking feet. You know, so respect to me has been all around this game, whether it's doing my time on stage. Listen, man, I can look, use all in the face

and tell you in 22 years, I ran the light one time at the comedy store. There was a month ago. I didn't, I saw the light, I thought I saw it, I didn't see it, you know how many joints I smoke in a day. I didn't know what I fucking saw. You know how many times I've come off before I, even saw the light because people have flashed a picture at me and I thought it was a light. Like, you know, so I've been in all those places, but I ran the light for the first time

and 22 years at the store a month ago on a Saturday night at 915 because I was closing the show and I didn't really know how much distance I had. That was the first time ever. Nobody's ever had to come up to me and say something to me. Nobody's had to come up to me. That's. And I, and you know want, if you know anything about me, I'm the type of guy that would do 25 and walk off and go, what the fuck are you looking at? But that really wouldn't make me a comic. I said, it is already I'm not part of the team. You don't see my pictures of half these joints. Nobody talks to me. I don't get invited to festivals. The only one that invites me to festivals is my fucking man, Jay and fucking crazy man, the fucking Puerto Rico. Louis-J. Gomez.

Nobody else in fact. You think I get invited to the Big Sky Festival, all these little festivals? will I go anyway? Not really. But, you know what I'm saying? I mean, nobody thinks to me for that shoot, which is good, because I won't go anyway. But that's big for me. So where? I mean, I know it's going to say respect, but going back 40 years, you were breaking into things.

And now, like, so what change happened that now you feel bad for people because they can't afford to go to a doctor? Like, that's a big switch. When I didn't have respect for myself, I obviously didn't have respect for nothing around me. Okay. As I got older, as I saw the loser that I was, it was proven to me. I know for a fact that when I started respecting things, I came around more as a human being than what I was.

You know, to some people, I joke around. I was in bad shape, guys. From the ages of 19 to 31 or 32, I was not a normal individual. I did a lot of bad things. I robbed a lot of things. I robbed fucking Christmas. I mean, it didn't stop. My fingers, I was sticky fingers.

I know what it is to be sticky fingered. You know, it would make my dick get hard. I don't know why. I don't know why. Does it make my dick get hard like that to laugh? No. I goof around. I tell you guys, I robbed lies from the sound like.

I don't have the heart. I know it's bad calm and whatever. For years, I had no respect for anything. Through the years from doing comedy, I learned respect. I learned how cheering against somebody is not good, you know, when they're on stage. You cheer for them to do well. You cheer for your friends, the comics around you. You know, you help other comics, the people that are around you.

You throw them gigs or you give them a sheet of paper with a bunch of bookers' numbers on it. You know, when I started, people would give me Booker's numbers. Constantly, here you go, man, call them, do the work. Call them, send the tape, call them, you know. So because of that respect I got in the comedy world, it taught me something. Like, it just taught me to tighten my game and the respect I had to have for people.

You know, like I said, just because I don't agree with your, politics if you did something like I don't like politics but one of my favorite guy in politics is russ perrille got rest is so I respect something that he did he went to an american family that their family had gotten kidnapped in iran or one of those countries in 80 something 70s and he told him he promised him he'd be home by Christmas day and he kept his promise that's what a man does That made me respect him. You know, I went to prison. I don't, I don't, I'm, it pities me.

It makes me sad when we give people respect who did something disrespectful kind of in a way to get to where they were. If I was still selling Coke or I was a thief or I still burnt people, then I wouldn't deserve your respect. But because of the time I put in, the years of sacrifice,

the sleeping on Greyhound buses, you know, this was not, I mean, you guys have been posting pictures of me and scare tactics, and today somebody posted a picture of me and something old. It's not like I just popped up on YouTube one day and I'm a YouTube sensation.

I've been busting my hump doing this since 1991. And that means something. That really means something. Even today, if I was doing comedy and I was still fighting for my life

and bars with Lee and getting $200 a night and all that type of shit, guess what guys? I would still respect myself the way I am now for two putting in the work and sticking with it.

You know what, man? When you come to me and you say you quit because you didn't think you had the chops, I'll tell you what? The truth of the matter is, Over the years, I've met people in this town that I've had deep philosophical, deep conversations. I gave them hours of my time.

I gave them hours of my soul. I turned them onto things. And one day I bumped into them and they go, I don't do comedy no more. Was I mad at them? Not at all. Was I upset with them? I don't know what their situation is. You know, I bumped into Stephanie Escaheda.

Stephanie Escahater used to be Duncan's girlfriend, very funny comic. She got sick for a while She got back She fell in love and she got married I've always loved Stephanie Escaheda Me and Stephanie Escaheda Went to fucking La Jolla, we used to go together as a pair

As a couple like not as a couple But she was my feature actor And I would take her down And she's left the living room And she's a Spanish girl Came from great stock Her families of doctors in Mexico And they ran a hospital

Just great phenomenal woman fucking guess what man she met a guy and they fell in love and she got knocked up and she had a kid he's a writer and if you watch tv at night she's in every two commercial breaks she's in a fucking commercial when i bumped into her i gave her a hug i gave her kiss i got in the car was i mad at her for quitting because she goes i don't go down there no more i gave it up she goes i miss it. She goes, I still write jokes and I still tell myself I'm going to go up. But she's like, Joey, I'm a mom.

Did I get mad at her? No, I didn't get mad at her at all. Was I disappointed? No, I wasn't disappointed at all. Guess what? She's still booking commercials. She's still taking what she learned at the comedy store and applying her trade. And every time I see her on TV, I fucking cheer for her. You know, but I bumped into people that came here and

they, and I'm not saying they took something from you, personally, they took 10 minutes of your time. I saw them at the store talking to Rogan. I saw them asking questions here. And one day out of nowhere left field, they're like, I quit comedy to be a producer. I can't deal with you.

Because you put so much time into it. You put so much time into it in the last fucking minute. You just gave it all up. Did I lose respect for you? Listen, no, no, no, not at all, but I lost... I lost a little bit of respect for you. Not that I won't talk to you, not that I won't help you if you're in a jam, but I lost a little bit of respect for you because of how you're going to feel.

If you don't think I feel terrible about myself for what I did when I was 15 years old when I quit basketball, you got nothing coming. One confession I can make to you guys is that I was just recently, I recently got comfortable watching basketball again, maybe 10 years ago. For years, I didn't even watch the NBA. I didn't even watch college. Because even though I turned out to be fucking 5, 10, 500 fucking pounds, I was still mad at myself for quitting basketball when I was 15 years old.

Till this day, I'm still mad at a couple things that I did. I never forgave myself. I never forgave myself of acquitting karate. I never forgave myself of acquitting basketball. ball, you know, a couple things, but those are the most, too, because I just gave up on them. That was the type of person I was that had no respect for myself. I just gave up. One day, just gave up, just gave up.

No fight, no nothing. I put an end date, and I gave it up, and I'm late. I stuck to the end date. You know, at least I was good about that. I respected the date. For karate, it was February 19, 1979, and that's the day my life changed forever. my fucking mother died six months later and for fucking basketball i don't know what i quit basketball like that was it once freshman year ended i was so fucking upset that i just quit i just quit completely

and started doing drugs if you don't think i lost respect over myself and it took me years to gain self-respect and even with comedy you think when i did the longest yard i had self-respect i was still a a sack of shit. Even though I accomplished something that few people could accomplish without an agent, sending a tape and going in there and taking what was mine, because I didn't take no for a fucking answer. I didn't give a fuck if they like big

pussy or Serragoosa, whatever the fuck they want it. They're not comics and they never fucking, and that was the first time in my mind that I really gained respect because I said to myself, fuck that. They're not taking that from me. That belongs to me and I'm going to get it one way or the other

and I fucking got it. That Does that make me better than you? Not at all. Not at all. I'm still that fucking guy that quit basketball and quit fucking karate and was robbing and stuff like that. It made it a little better. What gave me the respect that I have for myself today

is that I stuck with comedy. And I stuck with it when I was in the lowest, lowest part of my life. When I had to walk away from a daughter and living in a fucking basement and sleeping in a car. and through all that I saw something and today I could live with myself

a lot better than I did when I was fucking dirty how's that one for you? So whatever you're trying to do in your life I know we spoke about frustration and respect should be in there too learn what you should respect

which should be everything which should be everything I mean I'm at the point of 80% I respect things now socially and around me I can't respect that 20% because it wouldn't make me a comic. It's like I told Lydia that day on the phone.

In the daytime, he's mush. That's his name. Take a look at him. Smile for the camera. That's mush. When he gets on stage, he's Lysayat. He eats ass. He sucks a cock if he has to jump off the building.

You know, when I'm walking around the daytime now, I'm just Joey Dears. I'm just Joey Dears, and I have a child, and I talk to my wife, and I love my wife, and we have coffee in the morning, and we try to hang out. out at night. When I go on stage, I'm Choy Coco Deez. And I'm

kind of responsible for what he says, but I don't want to be responsible for what he says, because that's what makes me fucking dangerous. So, thank you for listening. Thank you for taking the time. And I hope this conversation helped you a little bit. Before we go, do not forget next Friday, I'm at the Lincoln Theater. And Saturday, I'm at the Bogart.

It's all sold out. I can't ready to see you, motherfuckers. I just added the 24th to August to the Ice House A little workout before our Labor Day weekend And we got San Antonio We got Dallas, we got Chicago At the Chicago Tita

Go to Joey Dears.net for all your dates Real quick before you leave Listen, I talked to you at the beginning of the show About a few things I want to reiterate here I want to talk to you guys about Upstart Okay, listen I know you're at that age

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but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for another great week of the church. Don't forget, it's August 1st, motherfuckers. It's on, bitch. We got five more fucking months to justify our existence before 2020 comes in. Five months, 2020.

What the fuck are you thinking? Do me a favor. Lincoln Theater next Friday night, the 9th of August. There's still tickets available. And that's it and that's that. We'll see you bright and early Monday morning. Tip-top, motherfucker.

fucking Magoo, ready to get you started for another week. All right, I love you, cock suckers. Stay black and see you Monday morning, ready to go. Kick this motherfucking meal lead.