The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #713 - Jessica Wellington

Episode Date: August 27, 2019

Jessica Wellington, a comedian, actor seen in "The Mule" and "Grace and Frankie" and cohost of "The Liars Club" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.  ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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Oh, shit. I got Jessica Wellington the motherfucker. I got the Christ-killer in the motherfucker. 10 days from Hanukkah Every time he's getting his dicks up He lights a candle Oh shit Oh shit

We're coming in deep back to this corner I don't give a fuck about Lepa Day We go 24-7 Are you fucking getting me or what That's how to start a fucking podcast Motherfuckers Got Jessica Wellington in the house You got the grace killer

What's happened, Jessica? I'm good. I got my tooth pool today, but other than that, I'm good. And then you showed up with two fucking narcos. What good is that? You get your tooth pull. You're stopping right egg. You fill the prescription, and we have a little norco party in the afternoon.

Everybody hits that. Everybody hits their dick with the hammer. Nobody feels nothing. You know what I'm saying? I didn't even think about it. I did ask Felicia if I should bring something because I wanted to try to be classy. Yeah. And I was like maybe I'm like a cheese plate or something.

No. But I could have just brought the drugs. Drugs or fucking sandwich. That's it. We want drugs or a sandwich. which from fucking Encino, the spicy Italian. And you prefer the drugs. Yeah, but we always prefer the drugs.

Heroin, barbiturates, narcotics, whatever you got, we're in. We won't take them that day. Or maybe we will. But we'll take them one night when they're needed. Take is needed. You know what I'm saying? I feel like you never keep anything. Like you just, you don't take a bag.

You take it immediately. You never save anything. That's what I thought people. Whatever. Who gives a fuck. What's going on, Jessica Wellington? It's a pleasure to have you on. I'm so excited to be.

Where are you from? I originally I'm from North Carolina and Florida. Okay. Two of the worst fucking hell holes. What part of Florida? Lakeland. Pure hell. Pure health.

You can't go to Lakeland. You can't go to Tampa. Can't go to Orlando. You got gay ghosts, right? Gay ghosts. They got all those gay guys that got shot. They got to be ghosts. Oh, God.

You check a hotel room here. Got a bunch of gay ghosts in Orlando flying. You're standing out line at the back, your assholes itchy. You're like, what the fuck's going on? There's little gay ghost scratching your ass. And the podcast is over already. Listen, I'm 56.

What are you going to do? You can't take away my wings. You can't take away my wings. You know what I'm saying? I've done my time. What is your ghost going to sound like? Oh, he's going to be a bad motherfucker. My ghost ain't going to talk.

He's going to fuck with me. with your head he's gonna hide your shoes he's gonna take every sock so you're left with only one sock for one foot i'll take your gloves i'll take that's the type of ghost i am you know you trip people yeah dad i'm trying to write a book and i had to come to a uh an ugly conclusion about my life that i won the battle but i lost a war when i was a kid you know lee like i could torture your people forever. I could change your scenario if I want to. God gave me that gift that I could fuck with people's scenario and I don't because it's an ugly gift to happen. But I did it to my stepfather. I did it to my stepfather until I broke him. It took me five years to figure out his nut and I broke

him. And so now for the first time I've admitted that it was me who put the wedge in between my stepfather and my mother because I couldn't have my game. If he stuck around, he wouldn't let me run my game. My mom let me run my game. So for me to get rid of him, I had to fuck with what he loved the most, which was his money. I did that was some of my stepmoms,

to be fair. I did, but my dad, my dad was a great guy until he drank. And then he was an asshole. Like, he'd just jekyll and hide. And he would hit women. So a lot of it was me, like, trying to protect them, too.

But there's a picture of me at my dad's, it was my third, the second stepmother at their wedding at the courthouse and I was totally not for it and I I just looked like I had an attitude in every picture I wouldn't look at the the camera and all that because I didn't want it to happen because you know he was a continuation of violence yeah I mean you didn't pull her aside and said get some egggy in the mouthpiece oh well half the time they would know beforehand now this one I don't think she did but also I was like 12 I don't think it was my spot to be able to tell her.

You know what I mean? But when it did happen, I told her how, you know, I took care of everything. I came in from basketball practice. I was so excited. I remember the first time. And then I come in and I see my stepsisters on the couch crying. And I was like, oh, shit, I know what's happening. Right.

So then I just went, went to the kitchen, saw the bottle, poured it out. And I was like, okay, let's go. No, let's just go. While he's doing whatever he's doing right now, we need to go. And so, you know, I helped him in that. way you know it's crazy how how much the 70s and the 80s for people who don't know this there's a lot of younger people who listen to the podcast there was a time in this country where every block had an abuser mm-hmm there was one woman who lived on that block that always

wore sunglasses that a clothes would be on the front every morning or his clothes and those days the cops are just coming nobody would get arrested yeah you know there's a There's a horrible, horrible, horrible domestic violence situation that's always been etched. That's still happened with me. Even etched in my soul. In the 90s.

When you witnessed domestic violence and it wasn't my house, I saw arguments in my house and I saw my mother hit him with a fucking thing one night when he left. But the people, two or three down, doors down from me,

growing up in North Bergen, he was a drunk and he would get home at two, and he would just beat her. He beat her once a week. And it was well known. And nobody liked him on the block. Like none of the kids, we'd flatten his ties.

We'd do everything to just to fucking annoy him, you know. And I think one of the worst beatings, my dad pulled the gun on him and they broke up. But if I knew her, she probably went back with him. They went to a different neighborhood and the violence continued. Yeah. It's so weird how much the OJ. thing changed the tone of the country. It was acceptable. I just watched something on TV the other day that was a movie shot in the 80s and it was still

acceptable. What about the longest yard? That's the 70s in the beginning, but it's so weird. Like up to the 80s, it was still acceptable. I remember 89. I was 5 and my dad got so drunk that he was holding a gun to me and my my stepmom pointing it at us to get on our knees and say our prayers. Yeah. So that was 89. And I remember I called the cops before when I got older and one of my stepmoms, she was out on the porch.

She was raining. She had a black guy. And I call the cops and they come and then she says everything's fine. I'm like, well, I'm gone. I'm not staying. What happened to your real mother? You don't mind me asking. She overdosed.

How old were you? I was 20. Five. Did you find her? I did not. I was living in Florida at the time. It was kind of weird how that happened. And where did she OD at?

In her trailer. What kind of drugs, heroin? No, she did, I think it was just pills at this point. My mom had AIDS, but that didn't kill her. She had that for like over 10 years. But her drug of choice was crack cocaine. You've had an interesting life. Yeah.

Your eyes have seen a lot of things and a lot of people haven't seen. And that's always very interesting in a person. You see that in a person. It was really weird because a couple weeks ago, you came up to me and you go, when can I do your podcast? And I go, when the timing is right, you know, I just don't book people. The timing has to be right. And I always knew you were the first door girl at the comedy store,

but I didn't want to, I didn't want to be. bring you in here for that, you know. We'll talk about that later on. I get on the plane last week and I put on the mule and you are playing the best fucking bull dyke. I've ever seen. Dikes on bikes.

And I was very proud. Thank you. You know anything about me. I cheer when I see a comic. I cheer when I see a comic on late night, but I cheer more when I see a comic in a movie because I feel that over the years agents have not

utilized us, how they're supposed to utilize us. You ever watch a movie and not to be egotistical go? I should be in this movie. Yeah. Like, I've done enough work that that could have been my role. But the agents don't see it that way. The agents have the road. So they'll put you on the road first because usually films and TV,

you don't pay a lot of money. Right. So, especially in today's system. So when I saw you in that, I was like, God damn. You know, now I thought back to the organization. auditioning process? What was it like to audition for Clinice Wood? You know,

did you meet him at the audition? He was there? This might be anti-clamatic because I honestly just taped it. I was actually in Dallas at the time doing sets and I went to a place that had it taped. I sent that in and they just booked me off the tape. How crazy is that? Yeah. And I was in.

How many days you shoot? It was just two days. Two days. Other than nothing. Yeah. I enjoyed it and Clint I did get to be Clint because we were in the scene together

he was really nice and he tried to make little jokes he's old yeah he's old when they get old like that it inspires the like I did a movie with Dick Van Dyke

he used to have a TV series on oh yeah years ago him and his son and I got to be a bookie on one of the episodes did you really? Yeah and it was a great fucking experience because I knew

one of the writers I forget his name he passed away great guy the Irishman he lived in that building in Marina del Rey where you don't leave where you don't leave you don't leave like they got the movies there nursing home no there's a building in Marina Dalai that you just don't leave they got valleys they got 24-hour fitness they got Ralph's oh they got Whole Foods they got movie theater they got you meant like once you go in you don't come out no it's for people who don't want to leave

dry cleaning, laundry, everything you need is in that building. You don't leave. We would be there riding and he'd order desserts up for a cafeteria or what do you want to eat spaghetti? I order from this place downstairs. Everything is in this building.

So I became dear friends with him. He was from the Bronx and he was one of Dick Van Dyck's closest friends. I couldn't believe it. And he hired me and I did four days. And the first two days, I couldn't look at Dick Van Dyke. I would cry.

And I would pray to God that he wouldn't come over to me. Like I had lines with his son and stuff. And then at one point, Dick looked at me and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you know, why do you have tears in your eyes? I go, you don't understand that you're everything to me. I learned how to speak English because of you, and he was like, what? What are you talking about? No, no. You know, people tell him probably they learned about comedy from watching them.

When you work with a ledge, what did you take away from Cleesewood? Like what? was it that made him stand out in front of you? He seemed... I don't know, he just seemed easygoing. You know, everything that everybody was telling me, it seemed like that was the exact opposite. How many takes?

We did a few, but that was mostly for him because he doesn't remember the lines like he used to. So you just, you know, he had to do him a few times. He directs it. Yeah. Somebody else's a cinematographer. Mm-hmm. And he tells you the scenes and the cuts, did you, what's that when you, you first go there and they see what the scene is, they call it something.

Blocking? Oh, yeah. Did you block with him? How was he at blocking? Well, he didn't have to do that. We did that. Okay. You know, he had stand-ins and all that for that stuff, which I got to learn on Grace and Frankie what a stand-in is all about.

And that's the way to act. That is the way to act. I didn't have to do anything. I was like, you mean I don't have to stand in my own light? Okay, I'll go have a coffee. I'll be back when it's time to act. Did anyone do, like, my first job here was on TV show,

and I remember someone coming in, and before, like, my boss came up to be like, don't look him in the eye. Like, did they say anything weird to you about Clint? Clint? No. Actually, you know what? They all laughed at me,

and they thought it was the greatest thing because he had this thing of cherries that he was carrying around in the scene. because he's at a farmer's market and he was eating these cherries. Well, we cut and I just looked at him and we were talking a little bit and he was trying to tell little jokes and I just took one of the cherries and ate it and everyone thought that was just hilarious that I would just go to, you know, upon myself and eat one of Clint's cherries. And he thought it was funny.

And I was like, it's just, they're there and I figured it was cool. He said Dykes on bikes. I know. Thanks, Dykes. He giggled or something. he giggled and I could just you know when you work with people that caliber you go Jesus Christ I'm connected to Cliniquezwood now

yeah like I had a scene with Clint Eastwood like when I did analyze that I didn't have a scene with De Niro but I had a movie with De Niro yeah grunge match now I'm connected to DeNiro you know and I'm connected to DeNiro through death what's the deer hunter because I did a movie with John whatever the white dude in that

So it's so weird when you start meeting people and making different connections. Like now you connect this dot with this dot. It's really weird. You like acting. I do. Do you really like it? I'd really do. What do you like better, the stand-up or the acting?

Well, I love stand-up. I love making people laugh. But I find that I do that in both. So I like it. Even when I'm doing something serious, usually there's a part that you could make people laugh. When did you start auditioning? When I got here in like three years ago, three, four years ago. And you've been with the same age since they were.

I mean, you have a great look to you. I mean, somebody will sign you, you know, in a heartbeat, you know. You and I don't have the ordinary look. That's why I love you. I watch your podcast all the time because I feel like we have a lot in common. And then Felicia always throws it in my face like, oh, Joey laughs just like that. Or that's how Joey holds his mouth. and I'm like, what out?

That's what Joey did. He just did acting gigs to get him along until, and I was like, okay. You know, because nobody accepted me as a standup. You know, everybody said, well, you have to book a TV show to get on. So did you take an acting class? No, I used to do improv, though. I started with improv. Okay.

Only like by a few months, and I started doing stand-up as well. Where did you go and study improv? I started at the Sacramento comedy spot in Sacramento. Okay. And when I got down here, I did I-O. Because that was easy. I could hang out at the bar. I was actually like the only girl to work the door there too.

And that was on Hollywood Boulevard before it closed. Where are they now? They're gone. They're only in Chicago. There's no iOS anymore. It's just I-O. In Chicago. And what happened to the one in Hollywood?

They were doing so good for a long time. I know, but something. They just didn't do things right. I think that... No. was yeah they needed to keep the bar open I think longer or something because the bar let me tell you some I started hanging out there yeah quit the comedy store in 2007 and got clean by 2007 and a half I would start they had a stand-up yeah open mic on Fridays at midnight

or like 11 they did stand up and I would go over there one guy would say you're joey d'ass in the store yeah and he'd put me up There was so much industry that hung out there. It was sickening. It was sickening. Everybody was looking for the next... They were good at that. Saturday night live guys.

So I told somebody, I go, guys, you got to go do spots at the I. Like, I went three weeks in the world and came back with a car at all three weeks. Nothing really transpired, but it'll let you know that people. I took classes there. I took sketch classes there. Jeremiah did too, because, you know, he wants to do more sketch and stuff. The problem with the, that I felt, was that the people that were teaching the sketches were bums. Yeah.

That's the problem I had. That, you know what, I could pay this guy $75 to teach me to do a sketch. I could actually pay a guy from Sionat Live to do a six-week course, and I'll pay him the 200 of course over time to learn from somebody who was actually doing it. The problem with all the programs in this town that I feel bad for people now is that we don't know so we don't ask.

But if I know what I know now, when I come to the acting class, I'm going to go, is there something like a watch? You're real. Seriously. But then again, I could be wrong because I could be dealing with

who's the basketball coach that coach is Chicago Bulls to all those championships. All I know is Dean Smith. No, I love being. The guy that coached the Lakers, too, for a while. What the fuck is the name? The Chicago Bulls. He was that.

When he was a Nick, he wasn't the best player in the world. But he ended up. He ended up becoming one of the best coaches of all time. So that's the other frame of thought. I'm not here putting anybody down and just saying it. I notice that a lot of the people that teach courses here don't have. Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson wasn't the best.

I remember being a kid. And the next put in Phil Jackson and me shot on the TV off, like we lost. Phil Jackson's getting put in. He was known as a defensive specialist because he had lanky arms and he would throw you off. But he ended up becoming one of the best coaches of all time. And that's what pisses me off about this town. They have a lot of half-cocked people selling people a dream that they're not qualified to sell. It really gets under my opinion.

Most of the time it's because they just didn't get to live their dream. So they're like, well, that's the best thing. Well, that's what it is. You know, I know for a long time like Ivana Chubbik, that's a great acting school, especially if you're a woman, because Ivana breaks you down. What's her name again? Avana Chubbick. Sounds like an ice skater. Avana Chubbick is a good lady, and her coaches are good people.

Chris Fields, this is Chris is his name. Chris something, he's a great. He teaches Tuesdays at 10 a.m. They have a really structured program. They have beginner, medium, and your goal is to reach. Thursday night night that's when the heavy hit is going and when you walk in there a Thursday night you look around you're like wow and you've done acting glasses oh yeah it's a muscle yeah you know everybody in this town complains well I go

come I don't get booked you know nothing cracked me up more when somebody would go to Montreal got a half million dollar deal to act his own TV show and they can't act and then the network doesn't I know that if I'm, if I get a deal from Fox, I'm calling my manager, going, any show I qualify for, Fox better put me on to nourish me along, to make me a star, put them on, write them into an episode of this, write them into an episode of that. So by the time his show gets picked up, he's established himself.

It's really like a spinoff of all the other shows you've been on. Yeah. That's my train of thought, but that's not the trainer thought here. Why did it surprise you that you think I went to acting class? I think because a lot of stand-ups come from the notion of you just got to get up on stage and do it and not necessarily take a class. That's why. I had the same notion, but you can't sell a $10,000 piece of presentation with a $10 pair of shoes on. I know that as a comic, if you're doing spot this to store constantly or the improv,

constantly, the laugh actor, or anything that you're doing the store, that acting class, as a beginning acting class on a night or an afternoon when nothing's going on. Even if it costs you a car payment, it's not going to pan out that day, but it's going to pan out in six months because it teaches you how to get work as an actor. I also can't see you with some of those actors. I can see you slapping them. I am not a big... I am not a big fan of the phony act.

Yeah, yeah. Okay? I am not a big fan of that. I think that you could talk all the Stanislavski and the training you want, and I'll show up with two motherfucking hard-hitting black motherfuckers, Queen of the Easton and Ice Q. And I asked Ice Q, how many acting classes he took before Friday. Do you feel what I'm saying to you?

Yeah. So I run from two schools of thought. You know, there's, there's, you'll never see a comic in a Harrison Ford movie. Because Harrison Ford has always felt that our timing is better than anybody else's. And we do have exquisite timing. But I feel that you should know, listen, man, the first time I got booked in this town, I got booked for a CBS pilot. Started with nine pages of dialogue.

When we shot the pilot, you know how many pages I had a dialogue? Zero. Oh, no. Because I thought my arrogance, and what I heard from loser comics, was that you don't need an acting class. But I often had a mentor named Rick Dockerman, who had done a bunch of movies with Tom Hanks and a bunch of people. And he told me to get into a class just to get myself around.

Did I get into that class? No. Because the arrogance at the Comedy Store and all the other spots told me I didn't need an acting class. Then, because you were... and I have a distinguish look we could book on just looks that's what happened

my first movie I did and I sucked right you see what I'm saying and those people will never use you again you'll never get a chance around them again and it's not your fault so I booked four episodes on an NBC show I'm ready to go I had booked

basketball I didn't know what I was doing when they told me to step on the mark I had no idea oh yeah you're like what I'm know how many times they had it grabbed me by the arm and moved me up and how many times they would say action and i would talk without action and i i just those guys if they ever see me they just spit at me the two guys that did the tray and matt i was just a horror show and i'm but this is what happens for being arrogant this is what happens for being a know-it-all the one that's

finaled me was the four-episode arc on the show on mbc if the people Bull weren't as nice as the... And I got fired from the show from Telemundo. I got fired the first day. I was on a fire in street. So I booked Telemundo. That paid for my after. Baseball paid for my sag.

No night. But when I went to do this NBC show, it was Sidney Portier's daughter. It was John Aston's son. It was a bunch of sons and daughters from movie stars. so they were very nice to me. But if you don't think I went home feeling humiliated, I went home feeling humiliated.

Well, see, I was an ignorant bliss. I didn't know it was bad at the time. Yes, it's bad. It's bad. It's bad. It's bad. Because you're going to get the chance, and you're going to fuck it up. Yeah. And you're going to fuck it up against people that matter.

Now, when your tape comes across that death, they're never going to look at that tape again. Because you weren't prepared, you didn't stand, handwrite, you didn't fucking play. And then I was a comic, which meant what am I shooting? It's a movie. Go eat a bagel. Go to your room. Me, I want to shoot right now.

So for 13 days, I'm baseball. I did like 13 or 14 days on baseball. I bothered them all day long. What am I shooting? If I were to know what I know, now you bring a notebook, you bring on an iPod, you watch TV and you write jokes. Not me. I do better. I would sit there and watch

fucking kickbox and look at the sweat from her pussy she would wear black black sweats and she would kickbox what's the name Kelly J. McCarty? I don't know I'm thinking of sporty spice and I'm sitting there and I'm watching that monkey getting nice and sweaty

and I would go on the trail and bang one out and look through a little window in the bathroom because I'm the savage but the point being when I done that movie Josh Wolfe had got the deal and I called Josh like a man, I go, I can't keep doing this. I have the ability to book, but I don't know what I'm doing.

Can you lend me money to get into an acting class? And Josh gave me enough money to sign up for a job of it for three months. That was really nice of them. Yes. See, that's what helped me back a lot is the money. So what I would do, especially in the beginning, was do background stuff, whatever. Little commercial things I did for coffee bean and stuff, they didn't pay much. and there wasn't like any residuals or anything like that,

but I would do it just to be around and absorb everything and see everything worked. That's one hand. That's one way. But the other way, I go back to comedy. I never want somebody to see me as an extra. Yeah. Well, that's how I got SAG eligible, though. Right.

No, there's people who get it, get a slip. How many slips do you need? Three. I got it all doing, you're the worst. I did like a featured background on you're the worst. I came from the school. If you're an open mic or you're an open mic. Don't go get fuck around with people.

You're not supposed to get seen. And the same thing with acting. When I fucked up all those scenes, I called my agent like a man. I said, don't send me out for nothing else. He said, what are you talking about? I go, because I'm just ruining it for you. So what I did was every Wednesday,

I would run to Curse on to 7-Eleven, and I would get that acting newspaper. I think it's out of business now and they had every college short film and then I was getting shot and that Wednesday instead of going to bed I would send out the envelopes Thursday morning so I would get the call

because they have no money so your audition is usually going to be on Saturday and Sunday at some fucking library I mean I've been to auditions at the park you know they have no money you audition at a park The only problem with the ones where they don't pay at all is getting people to show up. Well, listen, it's like stand-up.

Nobody shows up to their first open mic in a Maserati. Okay, I remember doing a shot up here. Now you think about it. Seinfeld has just ended, and like the lowest end rider on Seinfeld got NBC or somebody to give money for some sketch show. And I remember that I got paid $100 a day to get hit in the face with pie. 15 fucking time. And after a while, I thought the dude was doing it on purpose. And I go, hit me with that pie again.

I'm going to break that fucking man. You know, I still see the guy at the park. He's got a daughter, a granddaughter. Does he run away from me or something? No, he still comes over. Man, we still got a shot with that pilot. No, you don't. That's been 18 fucking years.

18 years. Yeah. You know, it's just, I did a thousand things. Let me tell you something. Let's be correct on something. You don't know how many. nights I did my one o'clock spot at the store and had a 4 a.m. called downtown for some fucking no-paying job. I remember doing a movie with a bunch of Chinese people. We went to

the fucking review. It was just our feet. Your feet were in it? They just shot people's feet. That was the whole movie? There was such bad cameraman that we shot it right here by Vitello's and it was a story about valets that were burglars where you were eating. They would burglarize your house with your car and your keys and take your registration and go to your house and rob you and I was one of the LA's and I never forget that I shot two fucking nights two nights from two in the morning to seven because they can't afford anything right and I never forget they had this fancy you know Puerto Rico little premiere over on sunset like in some fucking dump and I never forget leaving the movie going there goes two nights in my life yeah but the camera

guy was the camera guy from Bronx tail, a Spanish guy. And I talked to him all night about. So I, even though I worked for free, I picked up something. Yeah. So I worked for free in movies. I did. That's a dude I'm friends with now, Lenisa Trano. I still remember doing a movie with him that we had to go on a porno house up in the

fucking hills and started at midnight. Two nights in a row. 12 to 12 shoots zero money. 12 to 12. Isn't that prime time for? Midnight? to lunch. Two 12-hour days. I did De Mezos

for free. I played a gay mobster. That was Friday. You played a gay mobster? I loved that. I played Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for free. I shot that in 2003 and I was shooting movies that. There were certain things I would shoot just to

you know, it all comes down in the pipe. Like it all goes into a pipe and comes out of the bottom. So when I didn't see a future as a standout, even though I was a store, a regular, I attacked the acting. And I took acting classes. I stayed in the Van Chavik for about six months, and then all the auditions were on Tuesday. So it was defeating the purpose. Tuesdays are a big audition day because they read you Tuesday, they

call you back Wednesday, they tell you Thursday, you go to Wardrobe Friday, and then you shoot on Monday. So Tuesdays used to be a big audition day, so I didn't go to him no more. And And I hooked up with a black gay guy that had AIDS. That was brilliant. With him, I booked a Travolta movie. With him, I booked, like, I was starting to get more callbacks with him. I started just doing private coach. Just get a coach.

Pay him the dirty bucks. Yeah. And go in there, you know, you could go. It makes a world of difference. Yeah, you could go to Ivana Chubb and pay $200 for a half hour. Or you go to the other check. She wants a buck 30 for a half hour. What's the one on LaBreya in between Hollywood Boulevard and whatever?

I still get emails from her. I go to creation station. They do a podcast. Oh. This chick. And she's Jewish, cute. It was funny because... The pretty funny women?

No, that's Melrose. No, no, no. This is an acting fucking school. I know, but that's a fucking cult in this town. I don't know. Van der Chubbik is a great acting class that's not culty. Leslie Kahn. is a sweetheart of a woman, but her school is a cult.

They respect her like, she runs it like... That's what improv feels like. She sleeps there from Monday through Friday. She charges $1.20 for a half hour. So if you have an audition and you want to go over the audition with it, it's $2.40 for the hour. Jeez. So you better make sure you work in 12 or 15 days if you book her, you know, but she'll take you to the next level. There's people, I realized that I didn't know it all.

You have to come to that conclusion that you don't know it all yourself. If you're a young comic, I don't want you to be at fucking Chico De Niro's acting school, but you've got to be working the muscle somewhere. Yeah. I know from fact there's an acting class up here in the valley in the garage on Saturdays. On the garage? Yes, like 80 bucks a week. It's Saturday.

You're not going on the road. Right. You might as well go over there on Saturday. Ain't nothing to do anyway. Go over there. Go over there on Saturdays from two to three and work that muscle. Learn how to read the scene.

And then after you do that for six months, then you focus on auditioning. Just take cold reading workshops. Learn how to cold read. That's where your money is. Because once you take the cold reading and the three minute, you know those three minutes you do at the comedy store,

how long are you? additions. Yeah, about three to five minutes. Do you understand why Mitzie Shores a genius? Yeah. Yeah. Do you see where I'm going with this? So, the next time you come to me and you go, Joey, I don't know what's going on.

I keep going in for these movies and they're all one line. What's Missy? Three minutes. I've got to figure out how to stay in that room for three minutes and do one line. Oh, yeah. Do you want this time, John's the idea? Yeah. Everything is a plan here.

Don't ask. You don't know. So do me a favor. Shut your fucking mouth. Go to an acting class because this all goes hand in hand. While you're talking to your dumb fucking open mic buddies at a coffee shop afterward about who special sucks. Because this is what happens. This is exactly what happens.

You fall into that negativity. go to an acting class, the cheapest one, and learn how actors are getting work. Yeah. Now, now you're about, and listen, man, for years, when I was opening for Rogan, I was making a great living because I was booking two fucking co-stars

or one guest star a month. You take a look at my MDB. That's great. And some of them were bad and some of them were good, but I always knew that they were going to come in handy. You watched the actor's studio with the black kid, that did the movie with him and Katie Holmes just broke up

Jamie Fox You know Jamie Fox Changed his name to Jamie Fox So you get up on my comedy story I should like that Jamie But Jamie Fox tells a great story About playing the piano His grandmother would make him play the piano

He didn't want to play piano I don't want to play a piano I don't play football And when he got the call for a Ray Charles movie He looked up and he thanked his grandmother Thank goodness I played the piano Nobody. Missy Shore got a plan.

When she invented that three-minute spot, that's a plan. That's to teach you how to do a production in three minutes. You're going to figure out not auditions no more. They're productions. I got sick of going in for one-line co-stars, you know, the fireman. Hey, I'll get the baby. You know, I'll take a hot dog with mustard. You ever see those things, people, those TV shows?

Somebody has to audition for those. It's true. And you get, you go crazy auditioning for those. Because you sit there for an hour outside the door. Listen to hi, my name is Lisa Ayat. Okay. Yeah, I'll take a size 11. Yeah.

I'll take a size 11. Thank you for coming in. And everybody who goes in, I'll take a size 11. So I would go in earlier and listen. Even though my spot was at 11, I would go at 10, 20. And I wouldn't sign in. I would sit there and listen to everybody's audition. And I would make sure that whatever I did was going to be different.

I do like to listen to other people. Gotta listen. I do. And you'll hear the same shit. Yeah. Hey, don't touch that. That's my bicycle. Hey, don't touch that.

That's my bicycle. Hey, don't touch that. That's my bicycle. Hey, don't touch that. That's my bicycle. And then you walk in and go, hey, that's my bicycle. Don't touch it. And they'll go, that's not the line.

It is right now. And when you go now in the audition, when the producer sees that tape, and some guys like Clint Eastwood, David Chase, there's some guys who don't want you changing the lines. I remember I went in, and I'm not exaggerating. I'm not exaggerating. I lived here at a time when you went out

for three auditions a day, theatrical and two commercials. Your day started at 9, and it started at 200, South LaBraya, and it ended on Bundy, and then fucking, you had to go to Santa Monica at 5 o'clock to be a model for your hands. I did do one thing.

Oh, you ever do those? They make you wait and we're behind. We're running 45 minutes behind. And you're looking at the clock with Santa Monica and then you're walking. You put your hand in puddles with soap. Then you pull them out and they're like, thank you. That was phenomenal. And you drive home like...

I'm on IMDB. It just says hands. Really? Whose hands were you? I was my own, but I was like buying. a dildo or something. And it's just my hand. It's crazy. And when you tell people

these stories, they do not believe it. Last week, I'm sitting on the computer, and I hear, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing. I recall when it's four Bank of America deposits. So that means it's sag.

When I get four of them in a row, that means it sag checks. So I look at one 38 cents. I look at the other one one penny I look at the other one $45 and the other one was like $300

but I looked at that one penny one like I deposited a check for it's direct deposit right they deposit a one penny check the best is when they would mail you it would cost more to mail it cost you to mail a one and people listen going

Joe you deposit a one penny check no I have direct deposit from the union I would have deposited. But when I look at those checks, I go, wow, I've been around for a long time. Like, I get, what I get in residuals every month, most people, it's nice. When I make on residuals alone every month, like, I look at that thing, I'm very proud of that number. It's not going to cover me or buy me a house, but it's a lot better than not getting anything. My wife opened them up and go, huh, $4.

I go, who sent you fucking $4? anybody saying you $4 for that? No. So shut the fuck up. At least somebody had the audacity to send me $4.38. And someday that $4.30,000. It really does.

You know, I never understood the comic that regardless of... I don't like saying other people's words. You know, well, Bill Hicks said not to act. That's great. But Bill Hicks die without insurance. But even when you do stand-up, a lot of times you're still saying other people's words when you're telling your story. Because you can't have it without both sides.

So what's the difference, really? I would love it. You know, like, I just, when I came here, I knew I only had one shot in the majors. This is the major leagues. This is in New York or Boston or Texas or anywhere else. I'm not disrespect to any other market. This is where Lee wants to go to Texas. This is where decisions are made, you know.

So I knew for me to be on top of my game, there were all these things I did. You know, you're looking at me. I took four or five writing classes in the aisle. Am I a sketch writer? No. But I guarantee I got something out of those five classes. That was like a semester and a half.

He was the head writer of the show that Chelsea became a star on. Chelsea lately? before Chelsea Lately that she became a star on there was a girl of her, Kyra Sultanovich there was a show about girls that were playing nasty tricks on you

Oh yeah And he was the head writer This had to be 20 fucking years ago He was the head writer That's who taught it I owe Girls gone bad Something about Yeah it's kind of like impractical jokes

Girls behaving badly Girls behaving badly I know I didn't get Ken John was in it too Yeah A lot of people A lot of people did that show That started a lot of people's career

But it's funny how I don't regret anything I can't look you in the face I took the Christian Kaplan Acting Workshop He was the Vice President casting at Fox He was brilliant I took a workshop By a cast in the guy who cast

Godfather 2 and Donnie Brasco I still have the paperwork It was a birthday present from my wife, 2001. And I still go over that list before I go to an audition. Really? Yes. It's a list to check yourself. Right.

And then you make different notes on the page that you're going to read so you know where the inflections are, what the character's thinking, the moment before he teaches you. You know, he told the stories about the girl from sleepers. Fucking hung her shoe around the fucking doorknob. with a resume and a tape and put, how do I get my foot in the door? You know, all those things.

Of people who really want it. There's people who say, I want to go to Hollywood and be a star, and there's people who tell you exactly how they're going to do it. They tell you the steps on how they're going to do it. You know, I paid for all those workshops. Even though I was a junkie, I went out of my way.

I went to the lady from NYPD Blue had a casting workshop because not only it was worth, the 80 bucks or the 60 bucks, because if you're decent, at least they get to see you, and they keep you in their memory bank. And listen,

Christian Kaplan put me in taxi. There you go. From the reading workshop. From that cold reading workshop, a month or two later, I got a call from him, and it was funny. Bobby Slayton had the role.

The director was friends with Bobby, and had given him the role. I went in there and knocked it off, and I got a call an hour later. Bobby's like, can you fucking believe this? I had three days on taxi and they hired somebody else. I go, what room were you playing? He goes, I was playing the bicycle guy in the mechanic shop.

I went right over him because I had Christian Coppin. They used to have a paper that told you where all that stuff was available to you where you could take all those works out. Some of them are rip-offs. Yeah, you got to be careful. Check with me and I'll let you know. If you see one, that's interesting on a satellite or something like two to five. Not, I can't do an eight-hour one.

You're not going to do that. That's too much information. Nobody could do those. But two to five, if they show you a little film, they give you material to prepare, and they give you notes on your material. You fucking take a lot home. And at least you got that covered.

And now you'll know why. Those three minutes are so fucking important. She was the first one to do that three-man-tap? I don't know. I didn't know I was asking him he was the first one to do the three minutes but think about it how many people leave the comedy still going

I just I couldn't even tell a joke in three minutes well if you want to get in here you gotta do three minutes you better learn you better fucking learn how to do three minutes and it's true and while learning how to do three minutes

you also learn how to do a good audition you learn how to be big in the room how to play in the room this is what nobody understands This is who I tell young comics. Just shut your fucking mouth. You don't have a fucking clue of what's going on. You don't have a clue of what the plan is in front of you.

You have 50% knowledge about what to fuck you. Oh, yeah. As soon as I think I know what's going on. You don't. Yeah. Left turning. Like, I don't even know. All you need to do is a comment is go to acting class, write comedy, and get on stage.

Everything else in this town is foreign to me. like when people will come to me hey you want to do I don't know what you're talking about and I'll do those 100 holiday movies and those free movies but I gotta see that everybody's involved

when you first start out it doesn't matter it doesn't matter you just trying to get into it when I first started you got to do student films it doesn't matter 15 then come see me I did 15 15 or 16 or 16 in those fucking bummy things well none of them

we're going to take this to the USC Festival. Get the fuck out of here. I did one where we shot it. Then they actually sold it. You think they called me? No, they called somebody up. You get beat up, but it's camera time. You learn, and you meet different fucking people.

You know, somebody sent me, I did scare tactics. Scare taxes is back. Really? Yes, from 2001 and two. It's on Netflix, and it's rocking. The people that put it together have been hit me up later to retweet it, retweet it, we tweeted. And I saw one the other than TV,

where it was me and the guy that shoots Tony Montana in Scarface at the bar. When he's at the bar on the phone, all fucked up, two Colombians get up and unload on him. I met him on a scare tactic shoot. This is a guy that did one of the greatest movies of all time. And I met him on it. And that's a complete different muscle.

That's an improv of muscle. That's a muscle that I come in as a tough guy and say, hey, you stole 20 kilos. You're like, I don't know what you're talking about. I got to scare you. I watch myself on those. And I was like, wow, that was a complete different muscle. But every muscle that you work all leads to the same.

Destination, I hope. Which is the stage. And you're doing great with it. I really got to. What's this new show? Felicia says you were Jane Fonda and Lily Conlin. Are you fucking crazy? I know.

Isn't that crazy? How many episodes? It's just one guest role. I had like seven lines with Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda. I play like a biker chick. Did you tell Lily you're at the store? I did. I did.

I asked her to do our podcast because I just... You fucked up, but... You should have asked her to come to the store first and then put the finger in her ass. But now you can't even get it to the store because she's going to think she's going to be bought. because she has to do a fucking podcast. No, she said she'd be down.

I don't know if she was lying to me. Yeah, they'll tell you whatever they want to hear when they're there. Try calling her out. She changed her number already. But Jane, I think she ended up liking me more at the end than Lily did.

I thought that was, I just didn't think it was going to go that way. How Jane looked at these days? Oh my God, she looks so fucking good. She took good care of herself. She's, I don't even want to say old shoes. It doesn't matter. She is up there and she still looks

amazing. I don't know how she does. When you worked with Clint, you worked with Jane, you work with Lily, you know, later on in life, I got to work with Rodney towards his latter years. How is their mind?

Like, were they sharp? Did you notice anything? I think Jane is sharp. Lily, she still seems sharp to me, but I think she's always been goofy and that's just kind of her personality.

She's so cute. Yeah. She's such a cute. And then Clint, I'd say the big thing with him it just seems like he's slowed down. But I think he's with it. Well, he shot that movie.

He was 90, wasn't he? 89, 89, 88, 89. 88, 89. Yeah. I watched that movie three times already because it came on HBO the week after I'd see another fucking plane. Like, I finally see him a fucking plane.

Now you want to come on HBO. So I watch it twice, just because I'm such a fan of his. And just to see what it's like to shoot at that age. It's like, I wish God gives me the power to watch my daughter grow, and I could act at 65 just to see how, like I've done a movie with Porsovino. You've got to shoot him. To all the people, you got to shoot them quick. There's no...

That's what I was asking you about. What's that? Paul Savino. Yeah, that's what I was saying here before. after we figured out the name. When I shot with Paul, rule number one, you got to shoot Paul. He ain't going to be in all eight hours.

You're just going to, it's the law of diminution returns. Every hour, I mean, he was falling asleep in between takes. Rodney would fall asleep in between takes, you know. These guys are a little older. You can't really run them like you used to a 12-hour day. Lily Tomlin doesn't want to do a 12-hour day. No, but, well, she did.

They did. I was so surprised on what a long day that they did because they would, and then at lunch, they would break and they would go do a table read for the next day. And I was like, you're not, you're not going to take a little break at all. Like, come on. They would eat lunch as they're doing a table read. They have not stopped working. And then you got to think about Clint, too.

He's down there in that Atlanta summer heat. And that's nothing to, you know, scarf about or whatever. I can't talk. You know, at 88 in the middle of summer in Atlanta, and he's doing scenes outside. I mean, a lot of us can't even handle that on our own. You know, when I look at those older guys, it's because your mind has to stay really sharp. You still got to know your dialogue, and you still got to fucking have your timing. And I just give them a lot of credit.

I really do. You know, Clint, I'm watching them the other day, and I can. at the, you know, please don't put Clinton like a fighting movie or something. No. You know, like Gennaro, don't do shit like that. But S&L was right. He did give himself

two three ways, two threesomes. What do you mean? Oh, yeah. In the movie. Oh, yes, he did. Yes, he did. Yes, he did. They were fucking pissed at him. So one night, that motherfucker took the last chick home that had a big ass too. One of the scenes, didn't he? Clint was still

slinging dick in that movie. He got how many threesome's in that? Two. Two. Two. Eighty eight years old. Why do you think people at that age still work? Because like other professions, people retire.

Is it just the money so good or they actually have to do it? It's love, man. It's love. If you ain't got love for this, it ain't ever going to work. That's what most people never really figure out. then they sit here and after 18 years they figure out you have to love this yeah because you take a lot of abuse

whether they pay you they don't pay you you do it out of love this is what you do I don't know what you're talking about I have no idea what you're talking about I'm here to do one thing I love doing comedy you have to fall in love with something

that it hurts you it hurts you that you not even at that level that you have to hurt. It's like when a girl breaks up with you. Those first four years, I still remember it being nine. All right, last night I found a little notebook. I went through some boxes this weekend

and I found my comedy notebook from 2004. No, yes. 2004. Do you know where I was last night, Sunday night, whatever the date was. What was Sunday night's date?

25th. Do you know where I was, August 25th 2004 that was 25 years ago right yeah were you in prison no I was I found that I did two spots that night

I did a spot at some bar Harpos or something that I don't remember but the first spot I did was at 7.30 it was a line dancing class what and I came on at 8.30 last night when I saw that I wanted

in the shower. Usually I drink espresso, before I go, that's my secret. Before I go to the commissile, the reason why I go bananas on stage, because I'm a ball of espresso. I drive with no music and I just get myself. I think of all the bad things people did to me as a kid. And by the time I

get there, I just blow up. Last night, I left the house so fired up without espresso. I didn't even remember I didn't have an espresso until I hit Sunset Boulevard. Because I was so overwhelmed with that hawkotog that i was 25 years ago 15 25 years ago to

1994 oh 94 94 i was opening up at a fucking line dancing night on a sunday night that's and here i was 25 years later not driving to a comedy club driving to the world famous comedy store. Now, do you want me to lie to you and tell you that night I was doing my 10 minutes in front of those comfy bumpkins that I even had the comedy store in my mind? It was nowhere

on my radar in my heart. It wasn't in my soul. I just thought I was just a loser comic. You did? That's kind of sad. It's the truth. First four years of comedy, you love five years. You shouldn't feel that great. Things are not blooming in your world.

I loved it. See, I loved it. I loved getting shit on because life is taking 20 shits on you in your personal life. And this was better. So this is solid poops. You know, listen, I could sit there. Rightly, let's say I'm sitting there. Somebody's just taking shits on me.

That's one thing. But what if I got my tongue up fucking Charlize Duran's ass? I'll keep taking shit to the head while I lick a little clit. If I'm licking that little clit and I got that finger in her ass working and that little monkeys open it up And you're reading that thing I don't give a fuck what you do to me You could just keep throwing shit on my head. It doesn't really matter I have so many questions But it's the truth you know when your first five years of comedy you just taking shit

If there's 52 weeks in a year You're gonna have one good week Yeah, you know which is seven good days yeah, yeah I'm exaggerating. I'm being a little negative. You're going to have 13 good days where you feel good about yourself out of those 365 years. Then by the sixth, seventh year,

you start feeling 50 good days. Like somebody's interested in you for a festival, somebody wants you to send in a tape, you know what I'm saying? Like, you make strides. But the first four years, you should be crying yourself to sleep every day. Your friends are calling you to get married,

read they're doing this they're doing that they're doing that they're on skis four years I loved it because I felt like where were you in Sacramento okay you were in a nice I didn't even know this was something that I could do you know and then all of a sudden it just kind of shows up and I'm like you mean anybody can

do this I thought like I was so ignorant to how comedy worked I thought somebody saw you on the street and said hey you're funny come with me that's what I thought I didn't know about special I thought a guy showed up and did it now and then he got in his call I went home and got pulled off the street to do that.

I didn't know there was any work involved. Yeah. I thought anybody could just go up there and do an hour and just, that's what I thought. I didn't know anything about the process. You know, I didn't know the process. Yeah, so when I found it, it was just like, I finally, because I had gotten out of the Air Force and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. I know you in the Air Force for six years?

Oh, so you got benefits and everything now. God bless you. Except for dental. except for dental. But, you know, I didn't know what I wanted to do. And then I found comedy and it just felt like my whole life, everything made sense. Like, why did I go through all this shit as a kid? And why did I do, you know, it just all made sense because I was supposed to do this.

And I was so happy in the beginning. And you would go to open mics and I would just drink and, you know, we'd just have fun with my friends and do these open mics. And I was ignorant time everything worked. And I felt like that was my happiest time. That was your bliss. Yeah. See, that was my bliss. My first four years were bliss because there was no headshot.

Yeah. There was no resume. I didn't have any of that. There was no telling me about an agent or a cast and director. I knew nothing about that. All I learned how to do was how to go on stage. And I was in Boulder where I used to have to hit poetry readings. And they throw me out.

Get the fuck out. You know, I'm out back in there. I've opened in front of music. anything. It didn't matter. So you did your open mic in Sacramento for how long? Four years. And you would do like the punchline, all those places?

I didn't do the punchline as much. I ended up at the comedy spot because that's where I started. That's a good spot. And I ended up managing there, so it did a lot there. But then we would do it open mics in the bars and anywhere else. We'd get a laughs and limited. Do that open mic.

And sometimes we would go to San Francisco and try to hit up some places. How long have you been here for now? I think going on four years now. How long have you been a door girl at the store? Two and a half years. And now we have the prestigious to say that we have the first female doorman.

Doorman, yep. How did you talk them into it? I just kept hanging out there, and I wasn't shy about letting them know I wanted the job. And then I was working for Tammy upstairs in the belly room. Bitch? Yep. the name of the show she runs

I love Tammy I love the same thing about it I love the name of the show it's great to go on you ever go on fucking whatever it's this bitch

and you're like that's my type of name I like that name so she Tammy had me out front making sure people went to the right direction to the right room

and so since I was standing out there I was like you know what I didn't know how to do this I checked IDs at the gates and stuff in the Air Force I was like, I'm just going to check IDs for everybody so I can see I can do this job. So I was just helping them out, showing people where to go, checking IDs so they could already see I could do it, you know? And then I just kept telling them I wanted the job.

Are you happy you took the job? Yes. And how long have you been there for now? Two and a half years. What have you learned? Oh. I'm still pretty stubborn, but I do. I mean, look at the people you get to watch.

go up every night. People you get to learn from, the people that I've gotten to open for was been amazing. I've gotten to meet Felicia there. And I remember the first time I met her was at the back door. And she came up to me and she introduced herself and all this. And I was like, yeah, I know you are. You know, and then I asked her to do a podcast because at first I thought, well, our voices would just be cool together, you know, because I have more of a deep voice and she's got that soft voice. And I would have never met her. You know, if I wasn't working the door.

So it's opened up a lot of doors. Busta Rhymes kissed me while I was working the door. I mean, you actually watch the comedy some nights when you have time. Absolutely. You actually watch and look and listen. People always comment because they're like they can tell when I'm there because they can hear me laughing. Yeah, I love it. You know, I was a doorman off.

I didn't know you were during the store on Sunday nights she would let me double between the MC and the door so with MC and work the door that's how good I had Mincy I loved this so yeah I loved me I never fucked the rest of peace so I don't want people to say oh that's gonna fuck her she was 80 years old you were eating that ass no she just saw I was a fucking animal so she she like Cuban people she was Jewish but she lived in Miami for a while

and she was really impressed by the work. When I first met Metzsche, she told me, I love it. I got a Cuban here. They break their backs for you and all this shit. You know, she cannot have insulted me, but I don't give a fuck. It's Mitsy Shaw.

You know? She can insult me all the fuck. That's how we feel about Joey Diaz. Yeah. But it's how is the experience it's let you know what you wanted to do in your life. Like you've seen some amazing things up there.

You and I both know it's an amazing, amazing place. Like no other, honestly. It really is. There's such a grunge feel to it, too, that people have, you can just feel. You can feel that people have passed through there and the things that have happened there. And the people that come from all around, you know, they know what they're coming to see. And they see the best comedy in the world. And I'm lucky enough to work there.

and meet these people and get to know them, I mean, there's a reason why all the open micers are trying to be door guys at the comedy store. How many nights a week are you working now? Well, it just changed. I was doing phones for three nights or three days a week, and now it looks like I'm going to be starting this week. I'm doing three nights a week again. I would just cover people here and there when I was working phones and do nights,

just whenever people needed it. But now it looks like I'm going to do about three nights a week at the door. And you act a lot? Yeah, I'm trying. You book a lot? I've been doing better lately. So let's hope that keeps up. But yeah, it's been pretty steady as far as when I first started, you know, doing it.

Like I said, the first movie I did, though, was sucked. I was not good. You could see, you could tell I was, like, waiting for my lines. Okay. But that could fix one that I should never. I think of fix that. Yeah, but they edited it weird. They were like in a rush.

And for some of the funnest scenes that I'd done, they ended up cutting out. You know, you know that's how that happens a lot of times. And they made it all just back and forth between these two houses. And I was like, that's not the fun part.

You need to break this up a little bit. So whatever. It was fun. It was the first like real set I got to be on. So that was one. Which one? Which one? No, this was,

the first movie I did was, it was a legit set it was low budget sag but um 100 a day 125 a day yeah not bad okay went up a little bit yeah but it was it was a learning experience and they

they had everything you know there that does as far as studio you know craft services and somebody there for wardrobe like you would have on any big studio production so it felt like it was larger than it was. I'm very proud of you for taking that route. A lot of comics are stubborn,

and they don't know what. I always didn't want to be here 20 years without a union card. Every fucking year I got a union card, and I have every one of them saved. Like, they're so special to me. You know, and it's so weird that, like I told you, I went down to the story of the night, so excited because 25 years ago,

Not only was I driving to a fucking country Western bar to follow achy-brakey heart when they played for a fucking hour, but I would also force myself to go there because I would have to return my daughter on those nights. So I was fighting the pain in my heart and how bad of a comic I was. Here I was at a fucking achy-breaky heart joint when my friends wore at the comedy works getting the obfaces. But I think of all those things. So I think about doing Spider-Man 2.

And at Spider-Man 2, a lady would knock on my door, walk me to the gate, and they paid a guy to tell you, don't step on that cable. And then they would have a guy that would open the door at Sony, and you'd walk in. And then another guy would grab you and ask you if you wanted something to drink. And then when you got to the train, another girl would come, and she'd fix you up all nice and pretty, and then you got on the train. And you're like, wow, I feel like a star. And then a year later, I did a $100 a day movie

where you walk in your thing and your wardrobe is not hung up. There's no lunch. They let you leave the set for lunch. You're like, what are you talking about? What if I get into a car? When I don't come back? Yeah.

Like, I was, like, blown away. Like, there's no food. There was an apple and a banana. And I just come back. And then, so I'm very proud of these things. I did. I started with a SAG movie. And then somewhere along the line,

like scale. Then I went down to like $4.50. I could live with those. When I did the Rodney movie was $4.59 a day. But it was Rodney. Yeah. And I worked 11 days. And then I did another movie that was $250 a day. That sag low budget. Then there was sag, ultra low budget, when it was $100. Then there's another sag that's $50. There is? Yes. I don't know about Yeah. Minuscule budget. I did a movie with a guy and I That was a non. He was a featured extra. So he hung out, but I don't understand it because he had contact with the principals.

So when you have contact with the principals, so they hired Jessica off an audition. And I come up to Jessica and say, can I get you a cup of coffee? And I'm an extra. All of a sudden I become a principal. Well, that's because you had a line. Because I had a line. But I did featured like background work, extra work, but I didn't have any lines was the thing.

We were in an improv class. So that we just had to like mime our lines or what we might be saying or whatever. So they just don't give you a line and they don't have to make your principal. That's crazy. That's crazy. And wait till you do a soap opera. Because they're going to call you. No, it's not.

No, I'd like to do it just to know what it's about. Nobody talks to you. Aw. When you do a soap opera, like when you do a movie, hi, I'm the first A.D. I'm Jennifer. Let me walk you to your trailer. Because Victor's been there for 30 years. Grab service is over there.

You check in at ABC, you know, at the end of sunset, at the end of Hollywood, there's that if you're going east, now west towards the beach, if you're going east on Hollywood. On Hollywood. Instead of staying on Hollywood, go up that little block right by,

I forget what, Hillhurst. There's a block plantation of ABC, and you pull back there, and you give them your ID and the lady looks here and says you're in office 12 thank you and you look and you're like I don't even know who office 12 is

and you start walking around and you go to your office and you sit and your suits there, your clothes is there but there's a teleprompter and your sides are there and the teleprompter tells you when you come up you're not even a lot out there it was very interesting

you said that about stand in yeah okay because with this you don't a lot out there they'll say scene 32 now 48 is up next go out there you don't basically even block

like they tell you whether stand on the soap opera you do your lines you ever do a line and you go hey the cabin's on fire if you say schlade they won't even make you do the line over

they'll just go the cabin's on fire cut moving along but I said fire you don't know I did three days days on general hospital, I got in at 8, and I was in the car by 9.30. Wow. Yeah, soap operas rapid five, and they just moved.

That's why Victor's been in it. I don't know what his real name is, but he's played Victor for how long? I don't want... At least 30 years. On general hospital? I think not, Young and the wrestles. Youngly wrestles. Yeah.

People that have those jobs, they die. That's it. Yeah. They're home by five. Don't work Saturday and Sunday. You get there at 9. And some days you don't work, you get paid for a full week. It's not a bad fucking job at all.

But it's weird because what were you saying about standings earlier? Oh, when I did Grace and Frankie, that was my first experience where I had a stand-in. Like somebody was paid to be my stand-in. So I didn't have to go out and, you know, stand-in the shot for them to set the cameras and do the lighting and all that. She did that for me. So I could just relax. And I was like, this is the way you're supposed to act. Now, have you ever run anything about Gene Hackman?

No. Gene Hackman is a phenomenal actor, somebody I looked up to, and he believes you never leave the set. So because he believes you never leave the set, I never leave the set. Well, still, like... If I'm in the scene... There's times I would stand there, and people go, you know, Joe, you could go sit down.

I would stand there and just wait it out until the casting or the director was like, it's going to be a while, go sit down. I'll stand there because I want to see the action and the pace of the set. No. I don't ever just want to walk up on the set. I go to the set and I'll sit. Like if I have to shoot on a Thursday, I go to the set on Wednesday. Go get lunch.

Say hello. Yeah, I'm there to get fitted. But that's a lot. I'm there to watch the action on the set. How he's directing the style. How many tastes is he doing? How detailed are they oriented are they? I like going a day before.

like wardrobe when they tell you just come to the side you have to walk through I'll sit for two minutes and just watch I love watching my scene before me I watch even if that doesn't correlate with my scene I watch it because I want to know what they're doing I want to see the cadence I want to pick up the cadence you know it's so we Felicia and I had a conversation the night that this is I think life offers this but our occupation offers it more we never started learning you never stop learning you never stop learning and you know everything I've done in my life compliments everything you know everything I've done whether it's been the acting class the podcast the IO the road stand-up the comedy

store stand-up the stand-up in the bars I ever till I tell you I didn't stand up on a bus one time with a Disney bus in New York. Yeah. All those bombings, they all come back to help you later on. They haunt you in a positive way. It's so weird.

When you're in town, make an investment in yourself. Take an acting class for 120 days and see the correlation between, see why people keep the sets at six minutes and three minutes. I love people come to this town. I couldn't get my shit off in three minutes, well. Good luck.

Right. Because you're not going to have. be able to do anything. An audition, three minutes, you don't fuck. So it all goes back to hand in hand. You know what I'm saying? Now, you have a podcast for Felicia. The Liars Club.

Yeah, it's been going good. I know it's going good. The reason why I can't do it is because I ain't going downstairs in that basement. If you notice anything about me, we'll come to you. If you notice anything about Uncle Joey, Uncle Joey in 22 years and been in that basement three times.

Okay. Yeah. because there's no windows. Yeah, no, I just, I just don't like it down there at all. What happened to you if you were in a basement? Like, is it all basements? It's just a basement, and I was down there before it was finished. Yeah, it was creepy when it wasn't finished. Is that why you don't like the train in New York?

Well, I don't mind the train in New York. I just think that, you know, I don't want to be on a fucking subway with people on top of me, with lights flying. Fair and comfortable. And somebody's going to stab me with a sword, you know? I don't need that shit right now. When I was 21, I loved the subway. There's action.

Okay. Worst case, now you get into a fistfight. No, no, no. I love all that shit. The comedy store downstairs, I have my reasons. Just, it's too fucking creepy for me. Too... I...

There wasn't a difference between my comedy store 10 year this time and my comedy store 10 year last time. There's one difference. I don't date the waitress no more. If I learned something from Mitzi Shaw, I learned, like, keep it light at the comedy store. I don't want to be involved in nothing. I don't want to be involved in nothing.

In the old days, when you got involved with Mitzi with something, if that project failed, your ass was on that fucking shit. So I learned from the old days. I go there, I do my spots, and I leave. You ever see me promote my own show there? No. There's a reason. I take from that place what I need to take from that place.

I'm going to start doing a one-man show in the belly room. I'm going to start working it out and work out on Wednesdays once a month. That I'll do. But you don't see me get involved in that. I don't go any deeper. I don't want to be any deep. I don't want to go downstairs. I don't.

The other night, your buddy, go upstairs to the bar upstairs. Does it involve climbing stairs? Yeah. I don't need to go upstairs. I can see the hills from here. I don't need to go upstairs and talk to somebody. When it came to the comedy store, my longevity was because I can. kept a light. Like the other day, I sat in the office and I heard a little bit of gossip and I got

in the car. I'm like, that's the first time I've heard gossip here since I've been back because I don't let myself get caught up. I don't. It's a business for me. It's not. I hang out. It used to be a hangout, but I still never did Coke there. I used to buy my Coke there and I wouldn't do it before I go on stage. I'd do it afterward. But I always, even though I was a junkie, I always had a weird respect for the store couldn't do coke in front of Joe Rogan he would hate me so when I was at the store I always kept at a certain pace I never did a Latino night not many times she offered me my own Latino night yeah you could have had that I do the store a certain way for a reason I keep in very life I don't bother you you don't bother me and we all stay friends

and I think you don't have to do the podcast no I keep coming down here And I keep coming down here three times a week. You know what I'm saying? Like I don't need to take eight spots a week and do all the belly room spots. I don't need to do that. I don't need to do that. I'm not here to take food out of your amount. I'm here to help myself.

Be a better comic helper to show. Be better. Fuck to Lee and Sebastian's down there. Yeah. I got to go down there and really rock it. You know what I'm saying? Like that's why. I never got into bed with Mitchie Shaw on a business level down there.

Whenever people want to do something, I bow up. I keep the comedy store as a place that I don't ever want a problem there. I don't ever want a problem there. That's why I've been there. I walked out of there in 2007. I didn't get asked to leave. I walked out of there because I wanted to walk out on my feet, not walk out on my knees.

That's the comedy store. You always want to walk out before they tell you to leave. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So I walked out on my own two feet because I know time. Tommy was going to lose his head and the other fucking morrow was going to get both their heads handed to him. So I had already done my stint, and if you're in any club, if you start the Funny Bone in Omaha, you got six years before you could have to move to LA.

After six years, the club owner, you've already done New Year's, you've done Thanksgiving, you've done the Fourth of July as a headliner, you've voted for everybody. What's your longevity in the comedy club when you first started? I had never done New Year's. So this past New Year's, I had hit up Bert, and I was like, can I do a guest set with you? I forget where he was. I think it was like San Jose or something. He was like, you can come down, hang out.

And then I got there, and he was like, do you really want to do a set? And I was like, well, yeah, he's like, have you ever done New Year's? I was like, no. He's like, I don't know if you really want to do this. I'm about you just sit back and watch this time. And it is different. I've never, still haven't done New Year's. It's a blowhard.

it's a blowhard because it's people don't really go to comedy all the time yeah they're just out for the one night it's fucking midnight I gotta stop when I'm doing the count I look like Dick Clark these I'll do New Year's

I've done enough of them I did the first 20 of them I did enough of them I never got the money everybody talked about I never got extra money oh wait until New Year's you're gonna make a ton of money you know that

everybody else I never got it. I got into, I just dealt with drunk people and people being there again and a couple years ago I just said it's not worth it and I just stopped doing it. I'm not doing it this year either, I'm going away. I'm taking the girl's skiing for the week. Almost. Yeah, I'm not going to be here for New Year's.

I wasn't here for New Year's last year either. Not worth it. Not to me at this level. Right. To me at this level. But I did the first 18 years of New Year's. I think I didn't do my first and the second. Everything after that, I worked three years.

Two or three of them, I still remember fucking going up before, Holstmann. I love Holstman. Me and Rogan, I would open for Rogan at the improv, and then we'd do two shows, and then we'd shoot over to the store on New Year's Eve, and then I'd do the main room at the store for the chum. And honestly, I hated all three sets.

Yeah. It was just a fucking funny. It's like one big bachelor. were at probably. Yeah. It just wasn't. But you need to do them. So you need to learn how people act on New Year's, you know. One of the biggest debts I ever had was New Year's

in Miami. I went on that stage, cocky boy. And it was numble bees and fucking snoring. I went back, I didn't even party. I just went back to my hotel room and cried. But then somebody told me it's a different

audience, but that's all bullshit. They're all the same people. It's just it goes in your head. New Year's, you start thinking differently. You think they're thinking differently. And it's just people that I don't like New Year's. You have to

really enjoy it to sell it, you know. I like doing a New Year's show early to let people go do what they want. Yeah, because it should be like a dinner and a show type thing. Yeah. Get the fuck out. 9 o'clock, go to your buddies house, jump up and down with the Filipinos. I don't want to do that. I don't

at 12 o'clock I'm going to be home. I don't want to be clocking or countdown or whatever. So you do the Liars Club. Do you have a website? I do. That's the website. The Liars Club website or mine? Yours.

At funny Jess Wellington.com. Listen, man, you're making some great strides. Thank you. And I always wanted to get you on the podcast. I just wanted to be the right time. And now is the right time. Have you seen, you have to look at my Instagram. Me and Felicia did that age app thing.

And we took a picture her and I together. and she looks like she's still doing a podcast with you because I looked exactly like you when they were. That's not good. That's not good. That's not good. I just appreciate you and I appreciate your heart

and your balls as a woman then and nothing pisses me off when people say women ain't funny and there you are a fucking trooper working the door. So you have an open invite and you always have a spot in my heart because you're the real deal. Oh, I've had a great time. Thank you.

This is an honor. Yeah. Because I am a fan and I watch it. Yeah. It's not that have you on to and hopefully do me a little fame. Maybe you get together with Lee and bust a nut. Yeah. Like I said, I need a roommate.

So. You and Lee should move it together. You should tip top into his room in the middle of the night. That's a sitcom for sure. Yeah. That's not a sitcom. That's a porn. That's a cuck sucker.

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There's a few tickets left for the Majestic Theater in Dallas. I think there might be a few left in San Antonio on the 14th. But the Chicago Theater is alive and kicking. That's on the 27th. It's going to be a fucking tremendous show. I'm not even going to tell you who's going to be on that show. Just go get tickets right after Labor Day. Go enjoy Labor Day.

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