The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #714 - Dan Cummins

Episode Date: August 29, 2019

Dan Cummins, a stand up comedian seen on Comedy Central and heard as the host of the "Timesuck" podcast" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get your first month for just $5 while supplies last.    Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH  

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for 20% off your first order and keep your fucking nutsack smelling tip-top fucking Magoo. All right, Lee, kick this motherfucking meal. Oh shit. We got Dan Cummings in the motherfucking house. We're not fucking around.

Labor Day weekend. Shave your nuts at. I bet you didn't get your dick sucked all nut all summer. You know why? Because it smelled like dick down there. It's fucking Labor Day, bitches. I got Dan Cummins. I got the Christ killer.

And your Uncle Joey's here, motherfucketons. What's up, D.C.? Good to see, man. Thanks for having that. band should have showed up at the VMAs and just blew them. Oh my God. Everybody's torturing the fucking like the attendant. Nobody wants to watch

that shit. No more. Chris Cornell, his voice was just one of a kind. If Chris Cornell would shut up with Soundgarden at the VMAs on Sunday, poor Miley Cyrus. She was the only good act. Miley Cyrus was the only one that bought. Everybody else was up there jumping up and down. Those Chinese kids were blonde there.

I never seen those fucking little communists before jumping around. I didn't watch selling out stadiums and shit. I don't care. What the fuck? Where'd they come from? I think they're Korean. Whatever the fuck they are. Those are the 12 kids that were stuck in the cave. They gave five of them to the record contracting shit. Those are the 12 kids, I guarantee.

Where'd they come from? I don't even know these little Chinese kids were jumping up and down. Oh, yeah. Where the fuck do these, how old are they? K-pop? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. How old am I? I don't even know, no, nobody. I knew Miley Cyrus.

The other skinny whore. I don't like her at all. Who? The skinny whore. The blonde skinny whore. The one they're trying to get her music back. For me? No.

I feel bad throwing out. Is it Taylor? Taylor Swift. Oh. She's a skinny hole. My wife's not a big fan of Taylor Swift either. No. I can't less, but I'm just saying.

She's a fucking whore with that skinny little pussy. Writing the song. And she looks like she can't. She looks like she could suck a good dick. Taylor's got to look like she'll mop that dick up after you manscape your helmet. She'll suck that motherfucker. But she's got like a little tiny pussy like Kate Quigley. Like you like cake pig has got a great ass

But the pussy looks like she needs to grow a bush To fill it in like a bumper Like a bumper it goes down I don't like pussies that go down That means you got no meat there You gotta have some fucking meat that I can bite into like Like jaws like a healthy labia Yeah

I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about it It's good to see you To see you man I don't like Taylor Swift I'm sorry Yeah I didn't watch severe me But I'm the same way I watch it because of Sebastian Right, right

I was on a flight I was on a flight I was on a flight But yeah And he was great I mean listen When somebody calls you up All I read about the last two days

Is criticism of Dave Chappelle And the criticism of Sebastian How bad the VMAs Well listen The VMAs A bad every fucking year Right You know I mean

It's just kids Whatever the fuck they are But Sebastian was great For anybody who's a comic, you have no idea what it's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the handcuffs that are put on you in that situation. You have no idea.

So before you open your mouth about Sebastian, fucking jump through a glass window and see what it feels like. See what it feels like and then get back to it. You know, I didn't hear about like the Chappelle thing, but I did read this Saturday. What was, I feel bad. I'm worse with names. I never just met him personally,

but the Saturday Night Live, Young, Pete. Oh, my God. Not even. Davidson. Yeah. Yes. Yes, Davidson. There was some article about him I was reading this yesterday,

and I was outraged about the writer of the article and also of the campus, but he did a college show, and he just called them entitled assholes and went on a rant. And then the college went off on him about how unprofessional and how terrible. And any comic who's done college gigs, it's like, no, but no, they were fucking entitled assholes, probably on their phone being pieces of shit.

And then it just said that the college can't, like, you know, take responsibility for their own. own students being dickheads and just go the easy route of just being like, oh my God, he ruined everybody's night by saying some horrible things about our beloved students. But yeah, people just like to pick on comics. I mean, the nicest guy in comedy made a statement 18 months ago. He's the nicest, cleanest comic of all time, Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah.

And this guy made a public statement that said you could not pay him enough to do a college. Yeah, yeah. Okay, and you have to think about that. Now, I know a lot of college kids come to my shows. Right. I have no problems when you come to my show, but I know if I went to the University of Notre Dame and did my act, I would get things thrown at me.

Because it's the wrong kids coming to those shows. Like there's awesome kids at those campuses. But the ones who aren't fucking partying on a Friday night, who want to come to the, where they're not selling alcohol. Not that you have to have, you know what I mean? Like that type of students, they tend to be.

more outraged in my opinion because I used to do tons of colleges and I'm like oh this I know that there's people here who would love what's happening but not these fuckers they know that they came tonight and then the administrators are the ones that get me I did one the last one I only did one in the last two years but I told them I'm like I get to say whatever I want no censorship at all and they let me do that and it was a blast did they take the ride the kids they did they did because I went hard at the beginning extra hard just to let them just to let them know who's running uh right there was some of a picture of their founder of their college and I just fucking reigned about what a creepy-ass

looking lady she would look like and she fucking torturing kids in her fucking basement on some Pito Island. But like, but she looked fucking creepy and then they were like shocked at first and then they loosened up and then we had a great time because I had that freedom. But like you're talking about the handcuffs, you know, like Sebastian's like a lot of these people don't understand. They're told

you can't say this, you can't do that. Oh my God. And it's like they just take all of your arsenal away from you and then want you to go to battle. I got no weapons. I thought Sebastian was great. Yeah. Whether he's my friend or not, I thought he was great. Listen, I watch those shows because we're all together.

We're all connected. Yeah. And when one of us rises, we all rise. It brings comedy up. We all rise up. You know, it's like in anything, this is how you have to look at it. Yeah. If you want to succeed in any field, you have to be happy, sincerely happy for the people around you, the people that you came up with.

If you hold any type of anger or issues, you're just not going to grow. Yeah. God, it's like this. Why if I've been talking about this all day, this is like a theme today. You know why? Because for a while, when you get here and things aren't happening, you fall into that. Why is it happening for Dan? I get more spots here.

I'm funnier here. Right. At the end, you're supposed to be all hand in hand. Yeah. And it really isn't like that. I wish that all comedians hold each other hand and hands around the world. It would never happen because,

but that's why the world is the world. But as long as we have a little circle. Yeah. Like I have my little circle. Yeah. We'll hold hands to the debt. That's the way it is. That's awesome.

We started, you know, me and Josh Wolf, we know each other from day one. That's great. Yeah. I had no choice but to have his back. Yeah. You know, Brody. It was a huge kick in my stomach,

especially for me because I knew him for 20 years. I should have been checking on them more. What the fuck was wrong with me? You know, we're a family. You know, when I sit there and the first thing I read on Twitter on a Monday morning or a Tuesday morning from Vicerland is how bad fucking Chappelle show is, I think to myself, Vicerland, first off, I love what you're trying to do. But have you watched your fucking show lately?

that show about eating weed with those three little half of fags you got on there. That is the worst fucking show I've ever seen in my goddamn life. You know, I did an episode of Danny Brown. It was great. I love to Danny Brown show. Weed has some great drug shows. But fucking 50% of your shit is totally fucking garbage. So for you to put down Chappelle, before you put down Chappelle, go clean up your own fucking backyard.

Especially with that fucking weed show you got, that weed culture with those three little half of fags that never smoked a bongan in their life. You get me, I'll get some three hard-hitting niggas. Just like fucking he said in Pub Fiction. What did Vingring say? I'll get some hard-hitting niggers, and we'll do that weed fucking show and show you what a wheat culture is.

They did Cuban food. I wouldn't even eat that Cuban food. Never mind. I wouldn't eat that Cuban food if you had gold in it. The shit they made. They're fucking terrible, that weed culture show. It's the worst show I've ever seen in my fucking life. Are you angry because Dave didn't do it?

That's the only reason why I can see. What are they, what do? I didn't hear this article. What did Dave do? What show? His new stand, his new stand-up back? He did a new special call, Stix and Stones. Is that out already?

It just came out. Oh, shit, I haven't even seen. And I'm sitting there the night going, you know what, man? I think that it came out too quickly. Yeah. Maybe Dave didn't prepare his material. Oh, my God, was I wrong. He just, he murders.

He murders it. Yeah. He just, I thought Anthony Jones had the special of the year. until I watched Dave Chappelle Wow I'm like Anthony I love you to death But holy shit Dave Chappelle's special was fired

Wow And I watched the first 45 minutes That's a lot from Uncle Joey Right I took the first pee smoke break At 45 minutes That's fucking good That's been years

Since I've sat and watched The special after 25 minutes Yeah I gotta see that I saw the previous three But that's great Well now I know What I got to watch it? It's just so weird

That we live in us What do you record it at? Atlanta and he says a bit in there about I'm gonna do an impersonation you know in 25 years you're gonna do and he goes I'm talking about you guys and he just pointed to all the little niches we have in a society now you know about how people come back and attack you after 20 years oh right right right Michael Jackson's been dead for 10 years and he's got two court cases how the fuck does this happen you know and then shoot the other day I'm sitting there I'm like two more accusers have come up in the case

the there's a chiropractor at the University of Michigan or something oh yeah he's been dead for 10 years and now you want to come out go home go home go waste your time go to church go hang out with some of those pedophile priest kids and go talk about your issues leave these fucking peace the guy's been dead for fucking 20 years now you want to come out and say while he was touching your footy fingered you go fuck yourself this which way you can't even give those people like. Yeah,

the outrage. You gotta tell those people to go away. Like what kills me is when it's not even something that made you that happened 20 years. Like when somebody tweeted

uh, lyrics of a song that had like racist language and they're an athlete now. And then now they come back and be like and then the person goes and cries does an apology. I wish more people would just be like no. Fuck. Oh yeah. I was fucking 15.

I was my song. You know, the song I liked or whatever or I said some or whatever. I was 15 and I said some dumb shit like all 15 year olds do. Go fuck yourself. Like what? It makes me upset when they when they actually do the press conference apologies. I wish more people would say no

I'm not gonna apologize for what I said I don't owe you that I don't owe you an apology for 15 years ago that's what fuck oh lost the chick who pulled the head up for Trump oh

when she apologized that's when she lost Kathy oh Kathy Griffin yes yes that's right you never apologize I said it and I said it

yeah I thought it was funny if you don't like it throw the albums away in fact go on TV and burn those albums I dare you because I'm gonna sell a million more yeah

remember when they did the Quiet right. Didn't they do that to one of those bands? They took their albums and they smashed them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no, the black dudes. Oh, uh, uh, uh, two-uh, two-life crew, two-life crew, N-WA. N-W-A.

Two live crew and W-A. Oh, that was the, um, Tipper Gore, all that kind of outrage. Yeah, remember when they said the Ice Cube, look at them. They're burning our albums, and he goes, I don't care, they pay for. I don't care what they did, Dave, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I mean, today, an article. came out from a variety. Yeah, I read that. That said, it didn't really meant, did it say something about Sebastian? Oh, the whole thing was, I used to love you, Sebastian,

but the VMAs were a safe space until you came on. A safe space? And the thing, the thing that upset me and I stopped reading the article was, like, I used to love watching the VMAs and I'm a fan of you, but people get triggered. And then she spent, she spent like,

she spent like three or four paragraphs talking about her organization for safe spaces. And I'm like, oh, you're just trying to get, you have nothing against Sebastian. You just want to get a little bit of notoriety for your thing. So I was like, okay, I'm going to stop reading this now. But the headline is Sebastian ruined the VMAs. It's not in safe space anymore.

That's why. And I know, I hope that Sebastian's managed, and I know they did. They got a tremendous envelope from them because when you do those things, you're going to lose. If you get George Burns and pull them out of the grave, Abedon Costello and pull them out of the grave. pull out all the great comics out of the grave, have them right an hour for you, and you do the Oscars, guess what?

You're still going to get some form of hatred. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you host the Emmys, you're going to get some form of hatred. Oh, yeah. If you host whatever, so the formula is, if you're going to hate me, you got to pay me everything. I want the whole cash register. Yeah.

I want the door. I want the leftover vodka. I want the leftover horser. I'm fucking, I'm fucking the help. You know what I'm saying? People hate everything. Benchow from Ariana Grande. I mean, I'm just going off.

My writer is fucking 20 pages because you're going to get tormented after that. It's just a huge shit. And meaningless torment. Like I look at like on iTunes, what I like to do is you get mad about trolls or whatever. There is not a single album that has ever been made of note that got

a lot of exposure that's only five stars. You can look at like the greatest, you know, the Stones exile on a mainstream, whatever you want to find out there. They're like, this is a fucking beautiful amazing album and you're going to find some one story, my fucking kids really didn't appreciate this.

I mean, people just want to hate. You're just going to find, and I would hope Sebastian's looking at like he just got seen by so many new people that of course since they weren't part of his fan base initially it's like the more people who hate you. That's almost like the better because you're just reaching so many new people. And the ones

who don't hate you, they're just not going to say, they're not going to go online. It's just the way human nature is and talk about how much they love you. So I would hope that for every person that's given like backlash, he knows that there are thousands who are just like, that guy's fucking great. They're going to come see him, they're going to buy his stuff, they're going to come to his shows.

YouTube kind of changed recently on the content side on when you actually post stuff and it actually shows, it used to show you how many likes and dislikes you had. And like sometimes like you look at the dislikes, you're like, oh, that kind of stuff. But now what it does is it actually shows you the percentage

of legs versus dislikes. Oh, okay, so you feel good. It's like 97, 95 likes. You're like, oh, okay. Then I guess goes way better yeah you're like okay you got to understand one thing when you post something and I learned this six or seven I stopped paying attention to what anybody really said on the internet years ago yeah or sometimes I'll say something back to them to throw them off right and sometimes you realize people just say something nasty to you so you could just tell them off and then they'll disappear they don't quit Twitter yeah it's hysterical many people I've told them mothers to suck my dick

they don't even say nothing but I really learned a lot a couple of months ago what video hit a billion downloads it was in November rain remember they made a big deal about it November rain first video ever on YouTube to hit him Guns and Roses yeah November rain hit a billion a billion views or something and I went on there I think it was a billion I don't know yeah yeah yeah number was and I went on there and they still had 150,000 hates right then go to the Beatles white out yes and go see one of the great greatest albums ever put on vinyl and watch the percentage of thumbs down. Yeah.

And I sit there and I go, I wonder who would give the Beatles wide out, the thumb down. I end, you know, so you have to start talking about this whole process of who has the time. Right. When somebody writes something or has an article, I really don't have the time. Right, because you're busy creating, you're doing things. To write stuff. Yeah. You have to think about all those considerations before you let those comments online.

Yeah. affect you. Yeah. I'm sure people like Sebastian are either off, you know, I mean, you really cannot get in fact. I never read the comments on my special. Right. I knew that I felt in my heart. Yep.

The job I did wasn't who I was, so I let it go on the plane ride home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just didn't go in my favor this time. You know what I'm saying? I rolled the six and I rolled the seven and that's just the way life is sometimes. I just got it like Sebastian said at the end of his monologue. If you don't win this year, work harder next year. Right, right, right.

Well, like you just said, Chabelle had the best special of the year. He doesn't have a website. He doesn't have any social media. Yeah. So it shows you what's really important. Yeah, he's focused on the craft. He has no Twitter? No, he doesn't do any of that stuff.

He says this mystique, the Chappelle Mystique. How does he sell out 18 shows? How do people know? Just fucking worded out. It's crazy. He has no social media. He used to, because he used to call, I mean, four or five years after the Chappelle show went away. Comedy Works in Denver and Punchline in San Francisco,

he would just call him up like on a Monday night and be like, hey, I want to do Tuesday and Wednesday, you know, whatever show each night. And they would just send it out to their email list or whatever on their stuff, and they would be sold out in minutes, you know? And it's just like, yeah, he doesn't do any of that. Nothing. It's amazing. No website. Nothing. No Davechapel.com. Nope. He might own him, but there's nothing out there. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, he doesn't do any of that. Let me double check.

I mean, even if it's out there, it's brand new. Because I checked the past just because I was amazed too. And I'm like, what? No social media profile. Just please come back later. It's amazing. You know, I stopped looking. I remember a couple years ago with YouTube, something went up.

It was this, it was, you did. This is not happening, that story. And they told me to promote it when it went out. So I just wanted to make sure that it was, because I don't generally look at the YouTube anyway. as far as comments, but I just wanted to make sure that before I'm tweeting or whatever, posting that it's actually there, that I'm sending a link to a real video. And first comment that was left, some guy, he said something to the effect of, Dan Cummins is the worst comic of all time. I hate every bit he's ever done. I hate it when I hear him on Pandora and I hate it. But it's like, and what cracked me up, I started laughing, because I'm like, let me get this straight.

I'm the comic you fucking hate more than anybody else on earth. And the. second, a new video of mine comes out. You're like, look, look, check this out. It's like, you're just an idiot. You're an idiot. Like, your opinion means nothing. Yeah. And that's just that troll nature. They just want to, they think it's,

you know, it's very, very, it's rare that you see a feedback on there where you're like, it's constructive in any way. You know, I think he's given a good effort, but really, you know, I think, you know, he could have maybe just kind of shorten this, and maybe if he actually tried and worked on his timing, it's just never like, fucking sucks,

fucking piece of shit. Just dumb. Just dumb. Vapid hate. It's crazy to me that who would raise a child be that devious to go out of their way. Yeah. Make up a different email. Go on Twitter. Like I always think about where their life is at.

Oh, yeah. Like, okay, if Dan Cummings wants to say, Joey, I saw your last special, I wasn't happy with it. I could go, Dan, guess what? Neither was I. You know. But when I go back to your website and there's all your Twitter or your things, There's no picture. There's a picture of like a Russian girl

that you could tell it's not you. Right. And you know it's a fake website. Right. I don't even have the balls to put themselves out there. I think about them. I think about what their life is like. Yep.

I think about all, it's like when I was a fucking junkie and a thief, all the time I put into scamming. If I would have put into something positive, I could have done something positive. You're doing something. that's halfway positive. Yeah, yeah. You're actually getting,

you're figuring something out, but you're figuring it out for the wrong way, like for the wrong thing. If you figured this much out and you use this in a positive way, the answer that you're looking for, would you be happy? Oh my God, I'm saying,

I won't say his name, I won't say his name, but he's describing the person we've had a problem with. Like there is, like you said, like what is going on in this person's life? I know a person that I, I worked with him years ago in a little way,

It didn't work out. We worked on a few projects together and not even like a bad following out. It's just, you know, like in LA, you work tons of collaborations. And sometimes people just disappear. Right. And you put pitches together.

One day, they'd, right. Disappear. And this guy, it didn't work out. Parted ways. Really don't see him for a long, long time. And then a similar project comes, but it was about me. Basically, it was like,

who's going to do a project about me? Didn't work out. Some other people want to do a project about the podcasts I've been doing now. So about me, but different. And again, it's my life. Like, no one, you know, you don't, no one gets the rights to your life in perpetuity for the whole rest of your life. So this guy finds out not going to work with him again.

And it's been 10 years since he's, and I know this person, they're not in a good place. Things haven't worked out for 10 years. They're very, they're angry. They're frustrated. You look at their other content. This person in particular mooched off their family, but then shit talked them all the time, too. Just an angry person, not getting what they want in the world, but not doing dick about it in a positive way. Just fucking hating.

hating, hating. And then now that person's exactly that person who creates fake aliases to threaten and harass me and my wife, you know, like that. You know, just. And I'm like, and I think of him now when I see other troll comments on the web. I'm like, I know you. This isn't about me. All the shit you're saying when you're that angry, it's about you. You know, that person, that person is so fucking miserable and unhappy with their life that it would be hard to step back and take, you know, some fucking responsibility and be a man and be like, you know what?

I made some fucking terrible choices. I was lazy. I didn't do this. I didn't do that. That takes some balls. That takes some like self-awareness, some painful self-reflects. Much easier to be like, man, everybody's just trying to fuck me over and the world fucking sucks. And everybody who gets ahead, they're a piece of shit because they fucked over other people to do that.

So fuck you and fuck that person. Like, those opinions mean nothing to me because I just think about this one person. I'm like, oh, you're just a version of this dude. One person. Yep. I'm like, I know you. I know who you are. And I know that person more because I was that person at one time.

Yeah, I was the end. When I was a time when I was angry, frustrated. There was things I wanted. I couldn't get. I couldn't figure out how to get. Right. And right away, you turn this hangar on the fucking world. And it's not the world's fault, bitch.

Right. What did you do this morning between 8 and 10? Oh, yeah. You sat there and watched the guy to tell, whatever. The game is right. What's the name of that match game? The price is right. Yeah, yeah.

Were you out looking for a job? Were you writing? Did you do any of these things? No, you want to watch the price is right. Yeah. No, now go watch the price is fucking right. Right, right. When you wake up at eight.

And you really, really in your heart feel that you work that day. Yeah. After a year of doing that, you won't be frustrated. Right. You're frustrated is because you're just not doing what you're supposed to be doing. And it's a weird. If you've been frustrated. Yeah.

You know, Dan, I got you by 20 years. And it's so weird what you start thinking about in your 50s. Yeah. Now you start thinking about the manifestation of feelings that you've had in your life. Like, I'm writing a book. I'm trying to write a book. That's awesome. I'll be buying it.

I'll be buying it. The manifestation, you start understanding the manifestations that you went through from a certain age. You say, it's fucking scary. And you don't feel like they're part of your life. You feel like they were part of another life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You feel like there was a deja vu. You feel all these things.

You feel guilt. You feel all these feelings because you see the manifestations of things. You know, my dad died when I was three. there was an insecurity and then the immigrant thing that turned into a different insecurity manifestation in New York, can't speak English, oh yeah, hello, you know, look at Spickboy, you know, and then I got wheels in Jersey and I started going, but those feelings were still there and then your mother dies. Right. You're a Catholic and you really, really believe in God and you really believe in the Holy Ghost and you really believe and you've tried to do everything right until that age. Now you question God and now

you're fucking killing cats. You're running over pigeons. You know, you see a mouse you step on it. There's a certain anger you get. And then, like I look at my life and it went from sorrow that became anger

to became fury. Yeah. Fury. Fury is when there's a homeless guy on the corner and you just run up to him and kick him in the fucking head for no reason when he's sleeping. Not that I kick the homeless guy in head. I'm just saying, I know what it's like to see somebody and go, I want to just stab that person. Right. They didn't do anything to you. And we see it every day in the news. Yeah. Somebody gets killed, but that's somebody who's going,

that somebody that manifestation went to fury. Then I got happy. Then I went to prison. And actually going to prison, it kind of made me happy because it slowed everything down. It let me process all those manifestations. Then I went out into the real world. and got married, then I got divorced, and I lost a child, and now you're angry again. Then I had comedy. So the anger manifested,

it would manifest for 23 hours, except for the one hour of day I did comedy. I would be happy because it would... So you start looking at the manifestations of your feelings and how you just go. So when I see these people that write a negative comment or fuck you in your podcast, you know what, man?

there's a thousand things I don't like. There's a thousand things I don't like, but I don't have the balls to go on Twitter and go, hey, I don't like your podcast. I just don't have the balls. I know that that person's trying very hard. I know that whatever. Just keep your opinion to yourself.

You don't like it. Turn it on the next way. That's right. I had one with a heckler years ago, and it's the only time this works this way, but this guy, he came in, I don't know, He came in late to the show.

Everybody else had a fun. And he didn't like it. And he was just causing problems. So, you know, I don't know, 30, 40 minutes. I'm like, dude, what's going on, man? What's what? Yeah, you're fucking, you're not funny. And I just, and I just stopped.

I'm like, everyone was having a good time here. I'm like, you're not having a good time. I'm like, you're not having a good time at like a movie or someplace. I fucking leave. You remember when you came in here and they nailed your ass to the seat? And they told you they'd fucking execute you if you tried to leave early. Nah, that never happened. You could just walk away right now.

then you get to go do something that you like, I get it. I'm like, I don't think I'm funny all the time. Like there's plenty of things I don't think it's funny. I'm like, I don't have to be for everybody. I don't need to be for you. But you don't have to be here.

And it was like a little light bulb. He just kind of, and he fucking got up, then he left. And I just wish more people. Same thing, there's plenty of stuff that I don't like, but then I just don't look at it anymore.

I can't tell you how many movies I went in the 80s and got up and walk. Yeah, I've walked out of the theater. Exactly. I've walked out of the hour. I never said a war. I'm not going to waste another hour. I boycotted Tom Hanks.

You boycotted Tom Hanks? In years when he cried at the Oscars. When he won for Philadelphia with the spots on his neck and shit, and he won, I boycotted him. Marlon Brando sent an Indian when he won the fucking Godfather. He didn't fucking cry on the Oscars. You're going to cry on the, I boycotted Tom Hanks for about eight years. It took me.

He was the only person. And I didn't tell nobody. I didn't go online. and boycott comments. I didn't have a petition signed. What brought you back? What brought you back to? Legal their own.

Legal their own brought me back. Underprovisional names. He knows I got first. I will boycott your ass. I will boycott your ass for 60 to 90 to 100. I see something negative behavior on your part. I will boycott your ass off my television set. Thank you.

There was somebody else I boycotted. I boycotted a couple people in my time. Just for different fucking acts, singing a song, comics, I'll boycott a comic. Sure, right, yeah. There was one comic I knew and loved for 20 years. He had an opening joke that was funny 20 years ago. And he got a shot at a TV spot. Yeah.

And he did the joke. The old joke. Boyce got it. I blocked his phone. Don't even call no more. Cucks a second. I bumped into him. He's like, you change a number.

I didn't even talk to him. I acted like a mute. Boycotted a phone. for six months and kept it to the six month date. Like I put it in a book. I'll put it in a book. I picture like a board. Boycotted until February 12th of fucking 2000.

I picture like printed out little pictures of the people that you boycott. You fucking stick them on the board. You got a date under it. Boycott it. I go to a restaurant. I see fingerprints on the glass when you push the glass in. That means you didn't wash your pussy. That means you don't.

If you can't wipe the glass down, if eight employees are there and then you, They can't wipe the glass. If there's 10 cents of fingerprints, that means you guys don't wash your hands after you pee. And after a woman here don't watch their snatch, after one of these Mexican busboys shoots a load of fucking pimento and their pussies, they don't wash them. So I don't want to do business with you.

That's it. It's that easy. And I refuse to go back in there. And people go, Joey, but they don't clean the glass. Right. Like, I boy concentrate. Like, if you eat ranch, dressing, you can't sit at the table.

I love you to go over there with your friends. And when you're finished, then you come back over here. Now I just paste you like Tom Hanks, eating some fucking ranch in a movie. He's fucking sticking him back on the boards. You want to eat ranch? Go over there.

You want to eat hummus? Go over there with your friends. Don't sit at this table. Because I am not a... I feel like you're talking to you at the end. I know he is. I've been boycotted a few times. He's boycotted. He's boycotted.

He's boycotted. He knows he could eat hummus and I don't see him. If I ever see him put a chip in hummus in front of me, like I never did coke in front of Joe Rogner. I never would do coke around Joe Rocking. I knew he loved me that much and it bothered him in his soul to see me cooked up. Yeah, so he just... So when he was around, no matter how much whole bread, I wanted to do a line.

No matter how much coke I had in my pocket. I would not do it out of respect. That's how I was raised. I think he only caught me twice doing coke. And I wouldn't even make eye contact with him. Yeah, yeah. Because I knew I would let him down. Now, Lee has that hummus respect.

I help people out. Some comics have come in here with, like, snacks. And you're like, I eat in hummus. I'm like, trust me, it's not worth it. It's just, it's just. Oh, no, no, I won't. I used to have a friend that used to, that's he used to call it, 86 in you. Yeah, yeah.

I ate 68, because he's Armenian. He's Armenian. I say, I said, you know, you don't sound like, no more. I 68, him. You mean 86. 86. 86. 86 and 68 68 86 you don't know what I mean I say 86 when he told me one time I said

Eric is because the guy was looking for was Eric I go Eric is looking for you goes no no I hate these six that yeah yeah he could not Michael came from me no more I go damn you're a cold buddy-butted motherfucker like your uncle Joey yeah I'll boycott people I love it personal boycott I have my own thing not a ton of people but there's definitely been coming up more like in comedy is uh i started to worry about like meeting some of the acts i admired or whatever because my thing was always is just are they a nice person and i know like a nice person can have an off day and be grouchy whatever but then there's sometimes people just do things that are just like dick moves and i won't say his name you know there was one guy worked with you know

long time ago but he uh he pretended that the the college i was working at with him opening up for him uh he acted like the kids told him to tell me to cut some jokes out of my act and to cut my time. And I went to them later. It turns out it was not true at all. He just didn't like it. And he didn't like it. And he didn't like and he did and this isn't cocky at all. He didn't like that I did well, even though he did better than me. Like he had nothing to be insecure about. And I just thought, man, this is somebody who is, you know, selling out theaters already at this point. And I'm like, you're going to, I was just, you know, I drove up my Hyundai fucking hatchback. You know, I'm used to making a hundred bucks a night and stuff like that. And you're going to take what

little thing I have just to have fun on stage for 15 minutes away from me because you didn't like that guy I went I threw away his fucking albums. Never listened to him since. I boycotted him for 15 plus years but I'm just like fuck you you fucking asshole. That's the bully type thing. People who use

power that's the stuff where I'm like You drove me crazy. Yeah you're dead to me. When I was a feature act I had a lot of problems as a feature. Just people couldn't follow you? I had a lot of problems and then they talk shit about you. Especially the Omni pop crew. Oh yeah. Oh, my God.

They've been got that name. I used to eat those motherfuckers alive because Omnipop had a good booker at the time. But he was taking feature acts and trying to make him into headline. Yeah. A lot of them are still around today. I know you're talking about, yeah. And I would go on those B-room routes, and they'd have to follow me, and I would light them on fire.

And I would light them on fire, you know, 20 minutes, no responsibilities. You're a dead man. You know what I'm saying? Right. I got a package in my pocket. I've been talking on one of the waitresses. She likes to suck dick. You're done.

You're done, you know. Yeah. But Omni Pop was putting out, you know, too many of these feature acts. Right, right. I'm old school. I'm very old school. And here's the rule I have. You want MC, you got it.

You want a feature, you got it. But once you consider yourself a headlining, I don't want to hear one complaint out of your mouth. I don't want to hear that Dan Cummings talks to the audience. Oh, right, right, right. I don't want to hear that Dan Cummings is too dirty. Right. I don't want to hear that Dan Cummings.

Once you sign that contract, the headline, if Dan Cummings comes out and says with a drum roll and takes his pants off and takes a flare and sticks it in his ass and does a half hour of playing the drums with a flare. It's fucking solid closer. I better figure out how to, you know, who's going to follow that? Fucking Jesus can't follow that. If I went on stage, ripped my pants off,

suck a flare up my ass with Vaseline. Without saying the word. Like, I'm not even going to do a presentation. A lit flare. And just went, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, took my pants off, put a flare in my ass, lit it on fire, and then started playing the snare drums for 20 minutes until you heard this.

Right. Kill the Fire Department. No one follows that. What comic would want to follow that? What comic would want to follow that? They couldn't. You'd have to have your dick do your act to follow that. Your dick would have to talk.

You'd have to go on stage and go, oh, ready for this one, get a fucking, what do you think? A meat tenderized and just hit your dick like ten times to beat that act. That's it. Just slam it. Bha! Who runs this motherfucker I do? Whose house is this?

Hose house? What's that expression? I don't know whatever the fuck movie it is. He hit him something. But I would, you know, nothing bothered me more. I got a hand. I got 10 comics that would go to management. Yeah, yeah, and complain.

Behind my back that they would. I had one guy that told me I couldn't improvise. I couldn't talk to the audience, and I couldn't be dirty. Oh, my God. And I finally turned to him on Friday and told him exactly how I felt. Good for you. And if he didn't like it to fucking quit, and if we wanted to throw hands, let's do it. Until this day, he's never spoken to me again.

And I can care less. I've had, I've had comics that have tried to get me in trouble during the week. They didn't think I knew. In fact, I bumped into one D on the night before I brought him on stage. Oh, wow, that's a walk, yeah. I actually mentioned it because you know how I worked. On stage? Before you brought him up on stage, right?

Last time I saw this guy. So, it was. And it made me It just made me think that If I ever got to that level I would never act that way I am proud that I am proud of it I've never asked somebody to change anything about their act

I've never told a club to ask them to change I've never said don't sell Don't come up to this Just do your time That's the only thing Stick to your time And do whatever the fuck you want you I mean and I've had people ask me

Like now I bring John Huck or Mary Santora And different people around to open And it's great But you know sometimes the first time to work with you, like, hey, is there anything? And I almost feel, I feel bad that they're asking that. Because clearly that they've somebody else that they've worked with has told them not to do something, which happened to me, you know, early on too.

I'm like, no, no, I'm like, I've always fucking hated that. It's like, don't worry, you do what you do your stuff. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to talk about what I want to talk about when I get up there. I'm rough on Lee sometimes about comedy. Yeah. I'm very rough on me because Lee knows I look at this is a religion. This is the religion that saved me.

Christianity didn't say me that Jehovah's didn't say of me. You know, Catholics didn't say, this is a real religion if you look at it. Yeah. One thing. You know, I love when I go into a club and a host comes up to me and he calls me Mr. Diaz.

Right there, he already lost with me. Right? Because we're comics. There's no Mr. Diaz. And then they say, is there anything particularly you want me? They're saying, I look at them in the face and I go, nothing.

And their expression, it's like I took 20 pounds off him. Right. I know, if I know anything about comedy, Yeah. I know that they're just trying to remember their own jokes. Yep. For Christ's sake, why are you picking on me?

Yep. I'm just trying to remember my jokes. You want me to go up there now and talk about your guest appearance on Will & Grace? Right, right. And how you did the Tonight Show eight times with Letterman and without Letterman and how you want, you know, just fuck it. And then if you mess it up on Thursday, oh my God, Lee. Excuse me, can I see you after the show? Hi, Dan.

It's Diaz. Can you say that real quick for me? Right, right. Can you repeat? Diaz. No, no. Diaz? Dez.

It's a syllable. Wait, do you get those people. Yeah, yeah. And I know you fucking had them. Oh, yeah. So when that's done to you, you go. Yeah. The first thing you say to yourself is, I'm not saying I'm going to be a feature act.

But if I do become a feature act, I'm not going to treat that guy. Exactly. read it. Then when I became a feature, I started getting that hush treatment. The only one that said something to me that backed his words,

why? That I don't mind. And I told this to him day one, and I told this to people. And here's another problem we have. And I did it too. When you work with a popular headliner, a very good

headliner as a feature or an MC. Right. And you start doing it for a while. Guess what happens? Oh, yeah, yeah. They pick up your cadence, so they start sounding like you. That's, yeah, that warrants a discussion. Right.

Right. So by the end of the week, they're saying cock something. Right. They're saying faggot. They're saying little things that they don't know they're saying, but they're saying it. Me, I'm a professional. Right. So I don't really go up to them and go stop saying that

because Richard Jenny came up to me and he goes, don't say fuck because I use it on my jokes. That was a very much, he just taught me how to write. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just taught me how to write. I can't do the joke about the one-legged Chinamen. Right, right. Because you follow me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the bit is too strong. That's what I hate. Right, don't tell me I can't improvise. Right. Listen, there's a school of thought Because they're trying to sabotage you If Dan Cummings is improvising

Now the audience is going to talk to me When I go on stage That's the other train of thought My train of thought now is I'm such a professional My base is so strong That I'll shut the heckler down Like if you go on stage for a half hour

You ever work with New York comics Oh yeah you work with somebody Great to be here How you doing? Hey, what do you do for a living? Yeah sure You came with him? Oh no shit What do you do? What do you guys know each other that's 50-50 work.

Yeah. 50% of that. Sometimes you get a standing ovation. It's sometimes going to be a long night. But what happens is now you train the audience to talk. So the headline is going to go up there. Now for 10 minutes, he's going to deal with chit-chat. You just steam right through and they know you're not fucking around.

Right, exactly. So I would ever go up to Dan and say, Dan, don't talk to the audience. Right, right. I'm so confident in my base and my presence. Right. But I'm not going to, the first time. When all that stuff's insecurity, like when you're talking about the people that, you know, that need the very specific introduction.

and you can't say this. It's all about they're just same thing. They're just super insecure. I never worked with the guy who did the very long, but I've heard horror stories of like the hand guy. There's one guy. I don't even remember his name because I never met him. I just heard about him from a few other people that he printed out this long fucking

and expected people to memorize it. And it was like this ridiculous shit. Like you may, like the Simpsons. Like you may remember him from. But it was like you may, you know, you've seen him on this show,

this show, this show. He's been on, you know, Conan three times. And he was in this. movie and that movie, but it was like fucking 15 things. And if you fucked it up, I guess this guy would like go off on people. It's fucking, that's crazy. That's a lunatic.

The audience doesn't care. They don't fucking care. They just want you to be funny. I have one thing. I say the time, when people ask, I say one thing, the host of Time Suck. Just mention my podcast, that is it. And sometimes I'm like, would you want me say comedy central? I'm like, no, I don't fucking care. And they don't care. They just want to hear what jokes I have. And they're going to

like them and they're not. But they're not going man I'm sure glad I saw that guy who's on Conan twice oh that was so great one of the greatest experiences I had was to host for 18 months I was an in-house host of the Trimble gig which one I did so many of those oh I didn't do that one Boulder this is gone before yeah you were still playing with a handball

discovering why you had one hair on your nuts sack and the rest of it was coming out when I started coming up remember when you got that one little patch of hair I didn't remember the first half oh shit oh shit here we're starting and then you got two hairs and you're like, oh shit, pussy's on the way. Then the sides filled in.

Remember the sides filled in? You're like, oh, I'll be eating some ass in no time. I remember I had like a little mustache above my dick. But that little bald spot stayed bald for a long time. You were like, you had, you had to like. Yeah. You know, mine came in on the, you know, mine came in opposite. I guess mine came in on the sides too.

I came in on the sides first. And then the bush took a long time. I had to rub Rogain on it. Before it was Rogain. You had a mix like gasoline with an Hindu piss. I don't remember the ball. I remember the little thin dusting up top. It was just a little dusting.

Yeah. But when you looked at it, it looked like him. When you looked on the mirror, it was bald and spot. It was sad. So you couldn't take a hat. You couldn't show up. It's like showing up with three bullets. When you got six spaces, you were showing up with a nice dick and like a bozo hairdo.

He had the bozo hair dude. You had the bozo head do with the ball spot in the middle. But that ball spot took forever. You estimated it. You're like, okay, it's June 14th. This, I'll be ready to skip my dick September. Fuck, no. I remember I was super late, actually. I went to a small school.

I do remember now that you were talking about this. PE, I don't even think kids, like, necessarily are in the shower in the locker room all naked together anymore. But it might, like, you know, when I was going to school, like everybody's negative. And I was like, I was the last kid. Like, everybody, I had nothing. Little baldy.

I had a weird, I didn't grow at all from, like, fourth grade to about eighth grade. And by the time, eighth grade, was the smallest kid in my class boy or girl and I just hit and then puberty hit like I hit very late so I just remember that's what my memories had just been like ah fuck I got nothing still and I remember panicking thinking I was just never gonna have a hair I didn't get bald hair till I was 14 what look at my legs I have no hair on my leg oh yeah I have um one pinio I think I got one little long asshole hair oh I got enough I know what else Years.

Two days you don't have three You can braid them. Now I'm losing my hair on top, but my eyebrows have been on fire. They've been on a growth spurt. Like there's times I'll find an eyebrow just fucking gravitating. I'll tell my wife to cut them before I go on the road. And you know you go on the road, every whole hotel has that good mirror.

Yeah. Oh, right, right, right, right. And I see hairs coming out of my ears. Like, I'm losing the hair on my dome. Your head looks good. I mean, from this angle. Oh, no, no. Your hair line's low?

Oh, the hair line's low. low but look at the eyebrows they're on fire solid eyebrows like Elvis's head do when he was 21 when he got out of the service they're on fire I've been thinking I've been going bald for my whole adult life it's high it's a high hairline it definitely a little thinner for sure but what's funny is I just looked at her day and I was like man it's definitely going now it's finally going and then I looked at a thing from like five years ago and I'm like oh shit I thought it was going then and then I looked at a picture from like 10 years ago my high school uh history teacher like a sophomore year he was like he was bald and he was like ah you don't got much time left

like he thought but yeah just high high I always had this crazy high hairline thinning I believe I was put on propitia in middle school no and then it came out that it kills your dick so they took me off of it you propitia you started going bald middle school oh yeah oh yeah I was I was like I was gone by like 25 I was gone you got you got a solid shaped head though lucky well they I think it's weird but I also I've also always had I have shoulder hair back hair but leg hair I have hair I have hair chest hair. You're like, oh, everywhere else.

Everywhere. It, like, it gets, like, I have two back shavers in case one goes, because it's terrible. You want to just glue it. You just glue it. Yeah, just glued up there. A crazy glue on your mask. That's nice. Because it looks so good. It looks like ball hair. It doesn't look like nice. That's true. I don't know why. That's alpha. That's alpha. I don't know why nobody's ever thought of that.

Just put the ball hair on their head? Ball hair, leg hair, put it all along patch. Back hair is nice. Back hair is fine. It's off. Don't put it into the same. stem, self, don't try to grow it. Just crazy glue that. Crazy cool your ball hair on the head. I look like Willie, Willie if I do that. I just comb it and just

make it work. I was combed my hair last night. I was telling myself. I'm like, it's such a visual. I can't believe I'm losing my hair, but I need, you know, I wasn't a handsome guy growing up, so I couldn't be bald. Thank God, at least I had hair. Like, girls would say, well, at least the guy's got hair, he's got a nice dick and he eats my ass and he spits in my pussy.

And he does nasty things. You know what I? Thank goodness for that. You're not a good-looking guy. You got to do nasty things in bed. Good-looking guys just bring you home and fuck you and flex their chest. They come on you and they call you a dirty bitch. I couldn't do that. I was an ugly dude.

I had to eat your ass and get in there and flip you over. Make them tell you I jerk off to your pet, fat little pictures and all that shit to get that pussy. You got to tell them shit. You got to work the mental. You know what I'm saying? Why are you squinting over to your wife? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm trying not to say things.

Yeah, yeah, she says, go ahead. So what's been going on with you, brother? Oh, my God. It's pretty good, man. Actually, actually, my wife and I just, we started to a podcast that'll launch in a few weeks. I'm a horror fan. So I love horror before comedy, actually. Like, horror movies are my favorite.

Stephen King, all that kind of stuff. And I just love a scary tale. I got your first guest. Yeah. Well, you know, our structure is just, I just find these stories. and then you put them in my kind of narrative voice, but I just try to scare, she doesn't know what the story's going to be,

we sit in a dark studio with a bunch of a cult candle shit around us. It's fucking creepy room, and I just try to scare the shit out of her with two stories a week. So that's the new way, and then the other podcast has been going well, man, and the touring's going well.

Have you seen the trailer for that new it? That trailer scares me. I haven't seen the trailer. I haven't watched TV. I saw a bus bench yesterday that was creepy. That's the one with the clown? Yeah. Pennywise.

Pennywise. I felt so bad. You know, clowns had a parade after that. No, for real? Dog, the clowns. After that movie came out, clowns had a demonstration downtown. Like we're not creepy?

We're not creepy because a bunch of clowns started losing work. When that movie came out, they started getting canceled for magicians and fucking like Marvel Comics. So a bunch of magicians went downtown and protested that movie because they were losing all their summer work. that was one of the funniest things. I've ever read in my life a bunch of guys

with like the rubber noses with sticks and big feet fucking saying, listen come on, give us a break. We're not creepy, we're not creepy. I gotta tell you. You're creepy now. I hate it clowns. Me too, me too. I don't know what it is about clowns. I have a clown story. I did it

on an album years ago, but it's all true. True story. I hated clowns because I had the craziest fucking clown story. I was always watching movies. Speaking of horror stuff, you know, my parents weren't paying attention, whatever like that. Or mom would be gone. I would just, first thing I'd do it was on HBO

and just see what I could watch. And I watched that movie, Poltergeist. You know, the one with the little girl, she died later. But yeah, the little girl. And there's a, there's a clown-a-

There's a clown doll in that movie under the boy's bed. You remember that, Lee? I would never see that. No. Okay. Tries to strangle him. When the house goes crazy

and it's all, and there's a poltergeist activity in the house, this, this ventriloquist doll. Well, that wasn't a prop made for that movie. That was an actual ventriloquist clown doll that you could buy the store that I had

that was like my favorite toy for whatever reason prior to that movie and I had it in my room. So I fucking see that but I don't want to tell my parents because I'll get in trouble for watching something I'm supposed to watch. So I just take the clown doll and I take him downstairs like little kid mentality and I fucking beat the shit out of him.

Like I just you know I hooked his little clown thing like hung him around the doorknob and just fucking worked him like fuck you stupid clown fuck you can't get me. What about that? Throw him in the trash I think I killed him. I go to bed my mom found the clown doll in the trash and thought it was just misplaced. So she doesn't know that I'm terrified

and she puts that fucker back in my room on like a little chair. So then I wake up at the middle of the night and I see that son of a bitch back in the room like he's fucking watching me. And it gave me reoccurring nightmares for fucking years. Like I was paralyzed.

And I still don't want to get in trouble. I'm so afraid that I fucking dealt with it for several like days until finally I broke down. I hope you prepared for the whip last year about to get from this podcast. tomorrow the midget association's going to come after you from beating up a little fucking clown to death

when you were 10 years old and then your argument's going to be I didn't beat up a midget I beat up a clown and they're going to say it could have been a difference what have you had cocktails your doll story triggered me I always hated those Rintwifist dolls

how they're creepy I don't know if you knew this when I first met Duncan he had a ventriloquist doll little homo whatever his name a hobo and he would bring him on the road with us and dog I would make sure I wasn't on the floor with him

I would tell them at the desk don't put me on the same floor with him seriously it creeped you out that much just don't like all that shit did you have like uh my grandma had all those weird porcelain dolls around the house do you have something like that around where you grew up like a bunch of dolls or creepy doll I hate dolls because I broke

one of my mother's dolls on time a little Japanese dolls that you can switch the wigs on I don't know but I think I know it was like porcelain porcelain yeah they cost my father a lot of money okay okay and my mother told me not to throw the ball in the house and I broke the fucking doll and I tried the crazy glue the fucking elmas glue back the doll together looked like somebody came on the doll and shit like we're thinking about it now I looked like a doll would come on it I had fucking elmas glue all over her and shit my mom's like what happened to my doll

and I had a pair out of my pocket I don't know what it is I just I've never been hip to clowns where about that statue you had when he came home at night I had this statue in my house This is San Lazaro. This is like one of the patrons, Saints of Cuba. Okay. And my mother believed so much in them and my father that they had a six-foot statue. This is a motherfucker in the house.

So if you open the door in the living room, he was in between the kitchen and the fucking living room. And there were nights that I would come down to get water in the middle and I would do it in acid. And I would open my door. And he had a gold crown. He had a gold crown. old crown oh yeah and two crutches and if you go to my house I still have

crutches in my house when I got my knee operated out of respect for this saint because if you're Cuban you have to you have to celebrate the saint on December 17 but like two weeks before my mother died I had a party and Eddie Borelli and his boys walked in but the red devil was there and he was he took one of the crutches from the saint and he goes you take one more step and I'll hit you over the head with this fucking crutch so it's tremendous that's what I think about I'm sorry to draw you no it was there candles and stuff underneath No, no, no, no, no candles, nothing.

The offering is you had a purple cape. If you see a Cuban person dressed like a purple, they made a promise. They made a promise for their knees or arthritis. Yeah. You know, when, when, that's why you can't hit a dog if you're Cuban. That's why when Michael Vick got sentenced to prison, there were a couple prisons they couldn't put them in

because they were oboquas and those. prison and they dedicate their life to this saint. Wow. So you got to help dogs and stuff like me. The other night, I don't know if I told you. The other night, Sunday then I'm going to the comedy store. I get in my little Subaru. I started up, you know,

and I'm looking, I go on reverse. I put the car in reverse, and I'm looking at the camera. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm looking at, I'm like, what's that dog? The fuck is there a dog doing? And I make the U-turn out of my driveway, and I pull up my two feet, and he's like six feet.

for me and I lower the window. I'm like, what are you doing this neighborhood? Cucksucker? Are you lost? And I'm like, Papito, come here. I'm starting to talk to them in Spanish because of my Cuban roots. And next thing you know, I realized that's not a dog. That's a coyote. So I closed my window and I call

my wife and go get out of here. I just put the car in reverse and went backwards. Like that dude that robbed the cop car and dating yesterday. You see that dude? I had no. That robbed the cop car backwards. They were chasing him. He was doing 90 miles. Holy shit. 90 in reverse. Backwards. Yeah, he ended up killing the family it's a fucking shame god rest of me but I fucking went back the last three nights I've

seen that fucking coyote oh I saw on Sunday Monday and Tuesday night but my neighborhood is going crazy you think the Crips moved into town those poor white white people are knocking on my door excuse me me it's a coyote the other I saw some white dude run I pulled up next one I go dog you better look out for a coyote because those studio city streets are dark yeah they're fucking dark like if I go to Lee Street in the middle, that's the easiest place to mug somebody. Like, if you're looking to rape somebody, just go to fucking, what are you? Addison.

Addison, in between Kofax and Laurel Canyon, that's rapist paradise there. That's like rapist paradise. You hide under a bush in the third block. You can rape a fag, a little boy or a woman and get out of there within minutes. I've told the cops that. I just picture you randomly. Officer, I need to talk to you about some stuff. No, I told the cop one day because there was a,

There was a home invasion, a block away from Colfax grammar school. And I saw a cop on my block, and I got, and I stopped him down. I go, would you do me a favor? Do you mind going down around this block a lot more? He goes, like, what are you talking about? I go, I've lived in this house for a year and a half. It was the first time I see him coming down on this block. We have a security service that he belongs to the school, so we rent them also.

And he does patrols. But I trust him, like I trust Lee, with a gun, you know what I'm saying? He's just a guy that they gave a job for $8. If I tell Lee to watch my house and he sees three fucking burglars, what's Lee going to do, beat him up? No, he's going to shoot him and call 911.

That's what this guy has to do. So I told the cops, and I go, something else, I go, this is like one of the fucking best neighbors around, and there's no streetlights. You go in between, like, where Felicia used to live? How many times I would,

take Felicia home at night and I almost hit somebody walking a dog. Just that dark, huh? It's probably because it's a nice neighborhood. They don't want to. It ruins the aesthetic or something. The aesthetic. That's what they'll say. They don't have sidewalks in these neighborhoods.

No, it's crazy. Studio City, North Hollywood, that crossover there, my neighborhood, that's like fucking, I'm happy. My block, the two blocks east because of the school, we have that security and the security. parks on my corner. So he sees everything. He parks right there

because that's a parking lot for the school. So I'm pretty lucky. But what about the people four blocks from me? What about the people cross Riverside? Like where Felicia used to live?

I used to drive Felicia home and make sure she'd get in her door. That's how much I don't trust. And her? Yeah, I live in Idaho now and it is funny just thinking that. I'm like, oh yeah.

Like, I don't have these stocks anymore because there's no sidewalks in so many of the neighborhoods it's there and so much of it is just dark. It's just, you're just like, yeah, it's just, but I'm like, oh, yeah. Did you even lock your door when you left your house? Like, I'm not like, could, could, I mean, you could, I mean, I'm, I do because I'm a little more paranoid than that's we left, but you could like, yeah, you don't hear about the

Idaho, you live in? Nice. That's the skiing place. Yeah, you know, it's funny. I don't do any of the stuff that you're supposed to do there. I don't ski, I don't snowboarding instead. How about the boys? Yes, you.

Oh, yeah, my son and daughter, they want to get into, um, I think they want to get to have skiing instead of Ennio, my daughter does. How long have you lived in Portland if you don't mind me asking? We've been up there three years? And they haven't fucking skied yet. Nah, because I haven't done it. I know I got to take them.

I took them on your kids. They don't want to ski. They want to try, but they, what do we do? You know what's funny? They like to be home. We do like a lot of, like, they're always doing like lessons of some kind or some kind of sports. So honestly, on top of all that stuff, they just want to like be home.

Have we taken them busier? Tubing is the best. Because tubing, you don't have to strap anything on. You just go. Oh my God. There's a huge sled hill. Oh, I love that. We do that.

We do that. That's easy. Just to go down, you know. But even on that, like, yeah, we do that a couple times a year. Yeah, that's fun. But, uh, yeah, I got to actually do the snowboarding. But it is beautiful up there. We do, like, you know, it's just nice, like, get out in the lake or bike rides or, you know, hikes or whatever. Or just try to be out in the yard.

I mean, honestly, we got a trampoline in the back. That was the best, I don't know, what, 300 bucks spent my life. Like, they just want to go do those kind of things. You got dogs? You're happy up there? I am. You know, we got a nice, like, we have a little podcast studio that is literally less than two minute drive from my house. So get up in the morning, go down there. We got a couple of employees now. That's what we do in Time Sock, where we're going to do our scared to death thing. So it's like a family business. We have a couple people that work for us that we really like for us. And it's just easy. You know, it's like, yes, I mean, I had to like, you know, accept that I'm not going to be able to, you know, go on auditions or things like that. But I really wasn't doing that anyway. That's not what I, I never cared about that. Just for me. I like stand. I still do stand up actually.

She's going better than ever because of the podcast. I'm getting more of my fans to the shows than I ever did when I lived here. So for me, it's worked out. I wouldn't recommend it for everybody. You know, if somebody really wants to, you know, be in a scene and come up that way and be part of that. Or if they're really into, like, trying to act or trying to write or trying to produce. I mean, you've got to accept that you're not going to do that kind of stuff. But, you know, but the game has changed so much, though.

What's random is I do, like, Skype auditions. I don't even try to do auditions, but everyone's all somebody wants you for a hope. or something. It's Skype. It's crazy. You don't need to live here. Yeah, you don't, yeah, yeah. You know, I come down every once in a while for meetings and stuff.

And even on that stuff, I just, I love doing, I love having my own business. And I love kind of being my own brand now. And I just want to, like, go further with that. So for me, I love it. And it gives me more time. I love to, like, write and create and stuff like that. And I'm not sitting in traffic. I'm not.

I just get to, you know, be at an office, a setup. Like, I like it. An environment conducive to me being creative, a bunch of weird shit on the walls, all that kind of stuff. And it's great. But it would drive some people fucking crazy. You get to work out up there during the week? Is there anywhere to go and do comedy during the week?

No. But you know what? I never did that much when I was down here either. It's like I like to think, think, think, contemplating. And then the last couple albums I've made have all just been from the road. Just throwing stuff in the middle. Yeah, I never just, I think it's because of where I started. There wasn't that option in Spokane.

Okay. When I got, and so I basically, my open mics were kind of like triple gigs. I did a little bit of these rooms. in Spokane, like these weekend rooms. And then Tribble was desperate for features that would be willing to drive people to all these Montana gigs and Idaho gigs and all that kind of stuff. And so looking back, I didn't realize how crazy it was. And I had a guitar early on, which I ended up dropping like four years in.

But I got all this road time in these weird little bars all over the Northwest. And I just learned to develop new bits in that atmosphere. And then that just became part of my process. And then when I started featuring in clubs and stuff, same thing. I would just, every week, it was a goal to get a new bit to work. And that stuck in my head. And then it was, when I went to L.A., I had kids. I went to, like, came to L.A. after I was divorced.

So when my kids were here, you know, I had to be with them the whole time. And when I wasn't with them the whole time, I was doing gigs in the road the whole time. So it just never fit lifestyle-wise to really work things out on a regular basis in a club. So I just never developed that. Where you have to know, your special one, your new special way? It's going to be October 17th, I think. It's a crowfoot ballroom.

It's like a little rock club in Pontiac, Michigan, a little suburb of Detroit. And, yeah, I think, I think it's almost, I mean, it's not a big place. Why did you pick Detroit? You know, I wanted something different. Well, part of it was markets we'd already burned, you know, because there was,

and then markets we'd already filmed that. We just wanted to do something different. And I've, like, recorded stuff in Portland, Oregon, and Salt Lake City and Spokane, Washington, and Minneapolis. And last time I was through Detroit, I just had a blast. But a lot of it was like routing, worked out well, you know, routing. There's a couple other cities that maybe like the next time around, you know, Denver,

I love. But we already had Denver kind of on the books by the time we decided to kind of try and do the special. So, so mostly it was based on venue availability, honestly, out of markets that I liked. We looked at Atlanta and then in Detroit with the final two. And then Detroit just gave us the... Troy's a great comedy city. I've had a blast. Every time I've been there, I've had a blast.

I've had a great time in the whole state of Michigan. Yeah, you know what we do? The whole state of Michigan is great... Oh, yeah, you know, they talk about you at Dr. Grins and Bob? Yeah. I love those guys. I love those guys. That's a fun place.

When I was... Grand Rapids. When I got into comedy, I did from Niles. I did from... It's called Niles, Michigan, which is really called Michiwachia. Yeah. In South Bend, Indiana. Okay.

So you play Notre Dame. Yeah. I've done all. all the way from Mishawaka, all the way up to Ishma'i. What? Ishpameen. I don't even know. Ishpamine is the tip where it's fucking penguin weather all year round.

And then you got Mackinall Island. Oh, yeah. When I was in the, that's a big vacation place, right? In the late 90s, I say 30% of my road work was in the state of Michigan. The other 30 in Texas. Wow, wow, that's random. Texas, you could live in Texas and do it. Was there like a David Tribble of Texas, or when you were doing clubs in Texas?

In Texas, I was doing, no, at the time I wasn't in Texas at all. There was a guy named Initials. He fired me early on. I told him to suck my dick because he would give you, he would sign you up for five nights. Then the week of the gig, he'd call you and tell you there's two nights. And it's Tuesday and Thursday. So what am I, Tuesday and Friday? So what the fuck am I supposed to do for three nights all the way out in fucking Tucson, Arizona?

to walk to the fucking gig, T.J. something, so I moved to Seattle and I called him like a man and I told him that I couldn't do the gig because he goes, you took it. If you can't, so you'll never work an improv again. And I said, okay.

And then the night of the gig, I said, nobody threatens Uncle Joey. And I waited until 7 o'clock. He texts, he peeped me, he paged me, and he goes, where are you? I'm 10 minutes out. And he goes, okay. Meanwhile, you're in Seattle, right?

Seattle and then he called back and he goes where the fuck are you and I go you know where I am I'm in Seattle you ever threatened me again I'm getting a car and go down there and knock the fuck I just went off fuck you that's fucking great you'll never work again you'll never work on improv yeah you're not right yeah then I called him years later yeah oh that's great he was in Houston he had he had a yeah Starkville Mississippi and it was open somebody said they're looking for headline and I called him like oh you got just to see and he goes what's your name I told me Man, your name sounds familiar to me.

He goes, he goes, call me tomorrow. I'll let you know. And the next day I called him, I go, you remember who I am? He goes, I never forgot who to fuck you. I go, still 20 years later. Fuck you, cuck, sucker. I had trippling those days, but I also had the Grand Rapids guy. John Yoda.

Yeah, the Yoders, yeah. John Yoder was very, very, very good to me. Oh, that's great. I only know his sons. Right. James and those guys, yeah. The first time they gave me a check, They had tears in their eyes.

The first time the sun's dude? That was the biggest check I had ever received. Oh, you had tears. Oh, because they were so happy for you. Yeah, yeah. No. What? Oh, ha ha, take me a second.

Because they're sad that they had to give you that much money. You could send them the message. I love them to death. What happened was, it was the very beginning of the podcast. Yeah. And for people who don't know, the legend of Floyd Mayweather is from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Floyd Phillips. Oh, Floyd, oh, yeah, Floyd, oh, yeah, Floyd, oh, yeah, Floyd, that's right.

And the Floyd Phillips. I thought you were, yeah, yeah. I thought you're joking around the comic. I miss the kidney. I love him. He's a good man. But yeah, Floyd made with us. God rest of soul.

But Floyd, well, a lot of people don't know. It's got the more churches per capita in the country. So the two Yoda boys who are sweethearts believe that dirty comedy wouldn't do well. So they laughed at my agent. They laughed at anybody. In fact, they learned the hard way because I think they got Leno for the comedy festival, the grand rep. Oh, yeah.

A guilda fest or where, yeah. A hundred a ticket or something. That's a fucking working class community. Who's gonna pay a yardstick to see Jay Leno? That was 20 years ago. Elvis is dead, and I don't feel so good myself. You know what I'm saying?

So when they called for me, there was two clubs that laughed at me. It was them and Carolines. Okay. And they really laughed at me, Caroline's. Caroline's like, Diaz isn't worth it. He's like a haminegger. but Grant Rapids was like, we'll book them.

But dirty comedy doesn't fly over here. So they went ahead and gained me like 90% of the door. That's awesome. And you killed it. And when they had to give me that check on Saturday night, you could see them. Like their head was down. Like it was like they had tears in their eyes. They didn't call my manager back for like a month.

They didn't want to hear my name. but you cannot you know there was a lot of comedy clubs like that and who else was like that he changed his tune he's my brother today Keith Stubbs oh yeah man I love Keith he stubs he brought Doug Stan open in 2001 and the chamber of commerce went fucking nuts they wrote a letter they accused to close him down I mean it was fucking yeah well he was fighting that the culture there yeah for a long time he was very scared yeah finally called him in 2014 I said hey I helped you know that it was a long time ago right right right shot yeah and he goes I don't know

if it works so he put me in the little room oh yeah and then he had at the eps in the big room and it was like he's like I'm sorry can you stay for Saturday and I'm like I can't because he thought it wasn't going to work but he was a nice guy yeah yeah he's he's great it was the guys that were like negative about and the yodas one is negative sure sure sure yeah but there's a lot of people just I get it on a business level there's a lot of people dirty comedy will not work on the market. Right. And you'd be fucking surprised.

Yeah, funny comedy works in every market. Yeah, funny comedy works in every market. Yep. You know, so it's really weird what you go through at every level, whether you're a emcee, a feature or fucking headlines. You still go through fucking, I mean, the Orange County don't hire me. What? How many magic club?

Oh, well, yeah. They won't have me even in their club. That's a very, business model. But I was very happy because at least they called me and told me to my face. Yeah, yeah. like men instead of me email them yeah they don't email you they're a rare club that way they're a rare club they're very good i compliment them to let richard and the guys down there but they have a different and i and i used to do spots here and there but and with me too they'd be like hey but you can't you know

you got to do very clean and blah blah blah they have a very rare business model and good for them where they can pack that room just kind of regardless you know or at least they used to used to just be like and they're nice people and they're nice people oh they feed you and they give you a steak Good food. Good food. When you were broke in those days, I remember Ralphie would bring home a piece of salmon for me. I got your piece of salmon.

Yeah. I ate to baked potato, though. I'm about you're going to eat this salmon. But isn't it cool now where you're talking about these markets and stuff? What I love is, you know, because of like the podcast world and because of how things have changed online. Well, and like, we specifically like, you know, you have with your YouTube and the podcast such a big consistent following that you don't need to worry about any club

because there's alt venues in every city. where you're following, they don't care if you're at, you know, fucking Scoots, McGee's, laugh, you know, Chuckleshack, or, you know, Don's Rock Club, like, whatever. They'll just go to a venue that you want to go. And so I just feel like comics have more freedom than they've ever had that way, where it's like if you build that following online and you get those fans that just want to see you, you can work wherever those fans are.

Andrew Schultz. It's amazing. Andrew Schultz. I don't know him. I know of him, but I don't know him. Andrew Schultz, if you're a comedian and you're not doing what Andrew. Shultz is doing today. If you're at a stuck level and you feel frustrated,

I want you to follow Andrew Schultz and do everything he does for bail. I know he's been killing it. He just did a new special the same day. She'll probably release one here on YouTube. Oh, you put it on YouTube. Yeah. Yeah.

You just go for it. Yep. Now, if you're doing probably a year, I hope it's not going to work for you. Andrew Schultz is putting the time. Sure, sure. So before you go mimicking Andrew Schultz. put in 10 years and then he figured this out by doing it.

Right. If you mimic Andrew Schultz, you will have success today. Yeah. Everything to the T, the way he puts his material up, his social media, his relationship with the audience. Nobody's doing that. Yeah. He's doing a fucking sensational job.

That's awesome. And that's the freedom that we have today is comics. To have that direct relationship with fans. We depended on agents. Yeah. For everything. A booking this. Yep.

That fucking, uh, Christ should put a video of him up dancing. I saw it. It's so funny. And Americans got talent. Yep. I saw I post about that too.

Yeah. So, I mean, you control your fucking destiny. Yeah. You control your fucking destiny. So you're at the store tonight. Yes.

Yes. You're excited. You know, you know, I've actually never performed on that stage before. And you're in the main room. I know. You ain't fucking around. I'm excited.

I'm excited for you. I'm sorry, I have a PTA meeting. I love it. I love you going to a PTA meeting. I'm not even going out this Thursday. I got a PTA meeting. I love that you're a good dad, man. Huh?

I love that you're a good dad, for real. It's all I got left. Well, no, you got plenty. You got plenty. I'm so many, you know, when you don't have a father and then you have a lot of fathers, like I, not that my mother was a whore. I just had a lot of people who I looked up to his father's. Yeah.

I put the, what would the perfect father be together? What would the ideal situation be in my head? You know, and I try my heart if she's a girl, so they have a couple more gaps to fill. As a female, you have to fill those gaps with them. But if you're consistent with them, you're going to get a heavy fucking hitter. I've seen this formula done before, you know.

It's funny because we're talking about colleges. I have a niece that just started medical school. That's awesome. She loves me. I love her. you know she's a fucking gangster doesn't get high doesn't drink one time I brought my sister weed

but I dropped it and she found it and sold it at school I mean she's a gangster she's a gangster I love her the death it's so weird that she'll live and die for me this niece I have five nieces that I'm tight with but she doesn't like my con you know what I'm saying because she's a college student right right right 24 year old you know when we go out to dinner

she just shakes her head sometimes she accepts me. Yeah, she loves you. She accepts me, but it's so weird where their sense of humor is. Sure, sure. My college is early. Right. But no, I wanted to always be a good dad.

I've always wanted to be, when you don't have a dad, you can't wait to be a dad. And I lost my first daughter not out of being a good dad. I lost because of not having a good relationship with my wife and what was going on with the drugs and the comedy. So when I got the second chance, I rise to the occasion. I rose to that's awesome man you have to yeah yeah well you know what you don't have to though but you did you chose to

that's what yeah that's like you know I saw a lot of people around in this town that their fathers were successful but now these kids are walking around lost because at the end of the day they didn't know their fathers were they were always on the road and they have memories of their fathers but I guarantee you know right it's not the memories that and it's the little things You know, for years, I thought you had to buy your kids all this stuff and spend all this money in Disney. You know, my daughter, if I just sit there and watch ducttails of her and let her explain it to me. Yeah.

And let her explain the characters. It means more to her than anything in the world, than a trip around the fucking world. It's just amazing what you learn, you know. So I think that it's a good balance for comedy. It's really been a great balance for me at this age. Because kids don't care if you killed or if you ate it, whatever. They just want dad to love them and want to spend time with that. It's beautiful.

That's it. Yeah. That's it. So I try to put as much time as I can in, you know. Yeah. I started the podcast with the science podcast. I love that. I love that.

She won't shut the fuck up. You know, I call her eight ball. She won't shut the fuck up. I think she's been doing it before she was four. She won't shut up. She's like all night, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. She'll just pop up something out of the blue and just run with it.

You're like, Whoa That's awesome But I'm happy you're shooting This special Oh thanks man What's the name of the Location where you're shooting

Ponyack Crowfoot Ballroom And people put A links up to know Before the Oh yeah He's on sale One of them's yeah We don't have

Yeah we got a couple tickets left It's a smaller Yeah But yeah that And then scared to death That trailer's out now That just went out Lindsay and I

Really excited about that And time sucks doing well man it's so different now isn't that crazy like I think about I'm excited about the special don't get me wrong I love stand up I'm excited that special but I've gotten so into like podcast stuff and like that stuff even

I don't love it more but I just love that you can create your own project to continually kind of promote talk about and have that no one can take from you you know you can just put stuff out that you that you're passionate about and people can find it right away it's the best man it's the fucking best there's no excuse it's no

Right, there isn't. No one's stopping you. No, it's, you don't have to pay to have a YouTube account. No, I can't. I don't go to Montreal. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. You know, I talk about, and it's crazy now where.

No excuses no more. Yeah, it's just such a different business. It's all on you now. Yep. If you don't make it, it's your fault because you have every tool, Twitch. You could take your dick out and hit it and people donate. Right. There's a fucking thing that you could stab a woman and they'll donate.

You have a thousand words. to become... You know what? That changed our lives. Our thing is, for times, the Patreon, we have had a crazy amount of subscribers, more than I ever expected.

And they just, and it's the most beautiful thing, they're paying five bucks a month because they just want to hear, they get an extra podcast a week. And it's a different, like this little auxiliary podcast that goes with it.

It's like a little clubhouse vibe. They just want that. And they want to support the regular show. And that was something that five years ago, I wouldn't have been ready, I would have felt weird about it for whatever reason. Just my own stupid.

shit. I'd be like, well, no, he's supposed to do a show. And then, you know, there's a different route. And then I realized there's no rules. I kept thinking about that. I didn't hear him say this to me, but Rory Scoville, really funny comic. Somebody told me, they were asking him advice. And he was like, who told you there were rules? And I needed to hear that. And I was like, there's no fucking rules. And it's this, and it's this thing now where they have changed our life. Like, you know, like less than 6,000 fans over, you know, total that do that have changed our whole life. They allowed us to hire a couple people. They allowed us to have a studio. They allowed us to buy equipment. to take chances on other shows,

and now that's where all of my energy is. And what's weird now is now people are wanting to do auditions and things that I don't even want to do. Because I'm like, no, I've got this. I got my thing. This is what I want. Yeah.

This is it. No, it's beautiful. It's been a, it's been great for comedians. It's a wonderful time to be an artist. Let's say that. Yes. Let's just say it's a wonderful time to be an artist. And if you're thinking about it,

I'll tell you, you have no fucking excuse. Yeah, your phone has everything. now. You can edit videos, you can shoot videos in 4K. You can do all that stuff. You can electrify yourself with that fucking thing. You could do whatever the fuck you want. You could do that closing bit where you smash your fucking dick in front of the audience with your phone.

Everything's right there. Any dates you got to show it up your ass? You can light it on fire. Yeah, the happy murder two days that we call it, but the dates, yeah, throughout the rest of the year. I can't remember. What's your website? Dancommon's dot TV. They're all on there. No Dave Chappelle's shit. I don't have a I can't pull that off. I can't pull that off.

fucking take everything down, people stop seeing me. That is the craziest thing, isn't it? I've ever heard in my life before. I know we got to stop, but the Dave Chappelle, I don't know, this might be a myth,

but since just talking about mystique of Dave Chappelle, I heard this story. I don't know why they would lie, if it wasn't true, but they said that Dave Chappelle was in Portland, Oregon, and he went down to a park

with like a little portable speaker and a mic. This is a couple years after the Shepel show went away, and just started in some kind of, maybe there was like a speaker's day where people were kind of like a hide park situation,

but anyway, just started doing, Just telling stories. And within like an hour, there was over a thousand people that are just gathered around to fucking witness. And then he's fucking like a weird Pied Piper. But I used to hear stories. That was the weirdest story. I wasn't there.

Don't know if it was true. But I just, I love the mystique. I love what he shows, talking about comics holding hands earlier. It's just so cool to see what one person can accomplish through comedy. And what he's doing right now is just, it's like magical. And you cheer for him. Yes. It's not like other comics that have had success.

and you know there's scumbags. No, this guy. I think they're pulling the wool over people's eyes. Nope, he's a real deal. Kevin Hart's the real deal. Oh, that's great. You know, there's a lot, Russell Peters. Yes, yes, yeah, yeah.

You know, we're living in a society. You know, I guess because of the, but they have nothing to be angry about these guys. Right, right. You know. Yeah. And I wish them all of luck in the world. Yeah, man, me too. Me too.

It made me so happy to watch especially on night and cheer and laugh. It's awesome. It's awesome. You know, you're a comic. Thank you. very much. Thank you. Thank you.

The motherfucking store. Eight o'clock. Eight o'clock. D'clock. Smashing his dick. Smashing his fucking. Lightning it on fire. Don't forget the 13th of September.

I am in Dallas. There's a few tickets left. San Antonio sold out on the 14th. And I got the Chicago theater on the 27th. Tremendous fucking show. That's it and that's that. Oh, shit. Hold on.

I got to do a little word for my sponsors. First off. Number one. Listen, fall is here. All right, it's over. The summer's done after this weekend, and it's time to be a fucking gentleman. The holidays are coming,

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They threw away the 1.0. They upgraded their trimmer with their skin safe technology. No more stressing. You have your wife trim your ball hairs, and you got to fucking pray to God that she don't miss, and she's got in the bad mood. Those days are over with, all right? And for you, Momos in the back,

that means you won't nick or snag your nut sack. Plus, it's perfect for travel. Just in case you like doing that shit when there's nobody around, picking your leg up behind your neck, and shaving that area between your nutsack and your asshole, called the Stink Festival. Manscape does it all. You understand me?

And you can do it one-handed. Even if you have a little hoof with a fucking hook, you can still use Manscape and get your fucking Schlong looking shiny. This is the first time you've considered manscaping. They got a deal for you, all right? It's called the perfect package. It comes with a loan mower and a safety razor plus the crop preserver,

especially formulated deodorant so your balls don't stink. And the Reviver. It comes in a little package. Let's just pretend you bump into a blowjob. You take it out. You take it out of the package. You wipe your nutsack in the helmet. You clean all the goo around the fucking bottom of the base.

And she sucks your dick, and it's like a mint fucking lifesaver in their mouth. Who else does that for you? But Manscape, that's what the perfect, and with the perfect package, you get a pouch. All right? And your pole will be perfect. What the fuck are you waiting for? This is the deal of a lifetime. The church family gets 20% off your first order when you use promo code church at manscape.com.

And if you order the perfect package, they also throw in the free travel bag when you use code church. C-H-U-R-C-H. That's manscape.com. Use promo code church for 20% off your first order and keep your balls clean. The church is also brought to you by Hems. Forhims.com. Listen to me. We got problems.

We're losing our hair. Our erections aren't working like they used to, you know. We're getting older. What you need to do is help. And it's here for you with Uncle Joey. With age comes wisdom. But when you get older, there could also be a downer in one specific area.

40% of men, by the age of 40, struggle from not being able to maintain an erection. Why the fuck would you go to a liquor store and buy like big dick pills and injections when no man wants an injection. Listen, right now, we can help you out. You don't have to go to a doctor and share your experiences with them and be embarrassed. Be wise. Check out Hymns.

Go to 4Himms.com, a one-stop solution for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness. Hymns connects you with real licensed doctors and FDA-approved pharmaceutical products to treat ED, The well-known generic equivalents to name brand prescriptions to help combat your little problems. Prescription solutions backed by science and made more affordable. See the results where other treatments fall short. No painful injections, no doctor visits, nothing. Answer a couple questions about your medical history, chat with a doctor, and it's over. If you're approved by the doctor, the products are shipped directly to your door.

It's erectile dysfunction without being a dysfunction. It's hard, made easy. Say hello to my little friend. So, try hymns for a month for just $5.00. What the fuck are you talking about? Five dollars. We'll get you started for five bucks while supplies last. Prescription products are subject to doctor's approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. See the website for full details. This could cost you hundreds if you went to a doctor in person. Joey's here to save the day, all right? Go to forehems.com slash church. C-H-U-R-C-H.

That's forehams.com slash church. I want to thank for Hems. I want to thank Manscape. I want to thank fucking honor. I want to thank ZipRecruiter. And I want to thank my bookie A-G for being great sponsors this week. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for following the podcast, supporting us and always being fucking family to us.

So without further ado, have a happy weekend. Don't forget to follow Dan Cummings. Where at? Dan Cummins Comedy or TimeSuck or, yeah. No, what's the name of the? Oh, the website, Dancommon's.combs.combeys. Have a great weekend. Be safe. Don't get bit by a shark and get your dick sucked.

I'll leave you with that. Lee, kick this fucking meal. That's it.