The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #715 - Rich Vos

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

Rich Vos, a stand up comedian you know from Comedy Central, Sirius XM, and the podcast he cohosts, "My Wife Hates Me," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Stance Socks - Stance has all styles of socks in tons of amazing designs including MLB, Star Wars and Quentin Tarantino. Go to www.stance.com/church and you'll get a free pair of socks with any purchase.    MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.   

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Oh shit you thought we were taking the day off didn't you? you don't fuck around here at the church of what's happened now kick this mulee kick this motherfucker it's Labor Day bishops the legend Rich Fudge

The Christ killer Lee Syatt And your Uncle Joey motherfucker fucking It's a beautiful day to be allowed Fucking tremendous Lenny Kravitz What's that? What's that?

Man I got a Lenny Krabbits How's it going man This is not look at this This is how it should be This is a very nice little office And me and Bonnie do it at a dining room table But this is the real deal Like I pulled in there was a gate

This was the real deal I thought I was going to get my car out of impound No we try I scored this office by mistake This is great We had three other locations That were just a nightmare And this one has

In the first seven months here We had a hard time and it's been Are you not allowed You're not allowed to sleep here or anything, are you? No, but if I was a single guy And I was a comic Yeah

There's a YMCA down the corner There's the refrigerator You got Netflix in your notebook That couch Look at that's a bed You could put a thousand You could put a thousand things in here Yeah, oh yeah

With parking Yeah For $750 a month Can you imagine And if they said in your sleeper You go no I do my stuff at night. I'm a night, man.

You put the fan on? Yeah. At night, they got air conditioning, or you could bring something in? What are you kidding me? I might even sublet it. Can you believe? This is, you know,

when I lived in Seattle and I was just drug and common, I lived in an office, and the cleaning lady would knock on the door every night and I wouldn't let her in. That's how they figured out. Yeah.

I had a towel on the floor with a little pillow with a blanket and no shower. You joined the gym around the corner. I was the help. I was. Look, I talked about this on radio or podcast, and people thought that's crazy, but you go in Manhattan or in Jersey, you rent a storage space for your furniture, you know, throw a couch in there. How the fuck do they know what you're doing in your store? You go in there

in the day for three, four hours, taking nap. You don't have to get a hotel in the day. See what I'm saying? Or I'm just saying, it's hot in there, though. Those stories. This ways to figure shit out. Those storage things. Yeah, they are. No windows, there's no ventilation. You'd go crazy. You're one of those in the daytime. So we went to Brazil back in the, all of us, me, Patrice, all of us.

And we're there to meet, you know, people. And I met a girl there that I started dating, right? In Brazil from New York. You know, they're all going to the house, whatever, to the place, you know, $40, whatever, robes, everything. So I met this girl. So I started dating her And she said well you know every now and then I used to date Lenny Kravitz

Right when he came into town whatever So okay now this guy's playing the guard So she came to see me do comedy for the first time I was at Boston Comedy Club And she bought brought three friends from school That she went to college with Now she's never seen me So I was hosting that night and I came out of the gate too strong and I was bombing so bad

that I couldn't even look at her and her friends in the corner you know when you're bought you know I couldn't even look at them what year was this? This had to be I've been married 15 years ago had to be 18 or 19 years ago maybe 20 years ago and you know this is a girl that day Lenny Kravitz didn't watch me bomb at Boston Combie Club let's say the thing didn't really last between us

they walked out you know when they walk out and they don't even look at you either how embarrassing you know how bad that's when you know you did bad they can't look you in the face the best is when they come up to you and shake your hand yeah it's going to be all right oh my god you get like four of those in your career yeah and that's the week you get evicted your girlfriend leaves you for a Puerto Rican dude that plays the drums like Salisleband. Uncut. And then, and then that's when that one fan

comes up to you and says, you'll do better next time and shake you. Oh, my God. I remember my first wife and I, we went to Aruba for a week. I took her to Aruba. The day we get back, she goes, I want to divorce. I go, well, you couldn't have told me that a week

earlier? You know what I mean? We went to a room. You're just wasted 800. I can't use for your attorney. You crazy? So now, I'm depressed. I'm in New York. You know, we're talking on the phone. And next, you know, I walk out of the comedy show and I see my car on the tow truck.

And I'm going, can it get any worse? And I had no money back then. I had no money. You know, now I keep money in case of emergency everywhere. You know what I'm saying? Just like anxiety medicine. I got a stashed. But I had no money.

And I had to go into the summer and find a comic with money and get my... When shit is falling apart, It falls apart. It falls apart. It falls the fuck apart. And when you're doing comedy, I think there's a point in your comedy career where things really do fall apart. And it's a test to see if you'll quit. It's a test from life.

Yeah. I was at the point where, you know, we all have those stories and nights where we put our hands in our heads and said, whatever. I mean, you and I are from the same background. You and I are from the streets. You're from a savagery area, Linden or wherever that's. Plainfield. Camden, same difference.

And salking, Neptune. Yeah. You know, that's a different mentality. And when I got into comedy, Rich, I don't know if it was the same for you. This was it. I had nothing else. How old were you when you got into comedy?

I think I was like 28. And what were you doing before that? Anything. Scamming. You know, I've done you say it. I would bound. I mean, for you. years I I used to have a painting business but I you know I fucked that up doing you know blow and

stuff you know I'm partying and then I did whatever any type of sales canvas sales sales out of my car sold cars whatever you know just to maintain the habit and rent scam you know I was it was always a scam you know and and and I talk about this one of my best scams was I would go to garage sales and I'd find an old set of golf clubs you know they have them for like $5. They're just beat up old golf clubs $5 for the set so I would buy them

then I would go to the deal and go yo man give me a gram on credit and I'll leave my clubs as collateral don't sell my clubs let me tell you I make drug dealers in my town have old garage sale golf clothes I mean It was a real good scam.

You know, so I'd do whatever I could to get over and whatever it was. But then when I started comedy, like I knew, because I grew up loving comedy, you know, prior, Murphy. I'd listen to old stuff, you know, Steve Landisburg, Bob Newhart, you name it. I just loved comedy. Then I went to a couple clubs with this dude that he was my dad. dealer you know and we went to some clubs what were the clubs you went to it i went to one in new jersey called penny arcade okay and i saw who just passed away mike reynolds uh i go this is the funniest man alive i think it was him and mitchell walters i'm going this is the funniest i've ever

i go this is great then we went to catch a rise and star a couple times and i saw you know all these new york comics and hiram cast and i'm going this is the this guy great you know and just the comics that were going on 30 years ago 29 years ago in New York I go this and then I started to you know I didn't know what I was doing in the beginning but I know I got to do this you know and then and then maybe a year of whatever I started booking one-nighters in my town so I could host and then other guys like me that were booking one-nighters in like Connecticut and Long Island I go, you could work my gig, if I could work yours.

Then we would trade. You have something to work. We would trade. You know, and I brought in guy, I had guys at my one-nighter. You know, like back then, Dennis Wolfberg, Joe Bolster, Mulrooney. I had Richard Jenny opening for Mulrooney. You know, and Richard Jenny, you know, Mulroney, I go, just bring whoever you want. So, you know, they get to the gig.

And Jenny's like, he's got this attitude, right? And he goes, I don't know if you know who I am. But I'm Richard Jenny. I work out to Rajas and Star. I go, well, you're working here for $60 tonight. Right? But he, and one of the best comics throughout the 80s and 90s. Hands down.

Hands down. And he had an attitude from day one because he knew he was that good. You know what I mean? And I always got along with these guys. I got along with Richard Jenner really well. God rest of the soul. He taught me a lot. I learned, I worked a few weeks from him and just watching him.

I was like, whoa. Whoa. Did you ever see Dennis Wolfberg work? No. Man, this guy, clean powerhouse. He was a, I mean, just killed. Same with all those guys back then, John Mulroney. There was tons of them that used to just slaughter on stage.

I heard John Maroonie was a killer. Oh, killer. Crowdwork, the best crowd work. And, you know, real good looking girls loved him. He just go up there and slay. And it was such, in the 80s, there was so much work. So many, you know, in Jersey, New York. What year did you get into this racket?

Let's see, I guess I've been doing it 35 years. Because I got 33 years clean, and I was getting high for at least two years in the business. Do you 35 years clean? No, 33 years clean. But I was getting high when I started the first couple years. Okay. At least two. So I've been doing it for like 35 years,

but the first two years was in a blackout. But, you know, so 35. If you think about it, if I had a goddamn job at a post office, I could have retired and had a pension by now. I could be living, work free. But as a comic, you don't quit. You quit when you're dead.

You can't quit this. How could you quit? What else am I going to do? You know, Bonnie's like, let's move to L.A. and I'll get a writing job. I go, fuck that. I work in, you know, I'm in New York, that's my base. I can work in the city, you know, and I go on the road from New York.

You still go on the road every week, I heard. A lot, yeah, pretty much. You know, one, you know, I got to keep coming up with new material. You know, I'm putting out my six album. It's ready now, but I might not release it until around Christmas, but I'll put it on serious now. but I got to keep writing and creating to stay as relevant as I can. You know, you know comics that get caught up in shit they were doing 10 years ago.

That's terrible. You know, are you kidding me? You know, I can't talk about Nixon. I got, you know, I keep creating. So when I go on the road, I'm doing an hour minimum so I could do new material. Like New York, there's guys in New York You know, they'll bounce around and do spots And they'll work out there

I work my stuff out on the road because I'm going to get paid And work out new material You know what I'm saying? So You don't go out there in a week? Where to New York? Yeah I'll go to New York

One or two nights at the most But if I'm in town, I'll work the weekend Okay, see that's what I do Yeah, listen, I'm to the point where you know, from 91 to 2004. I was out seven nights a week. Yeah.

You were out seven nights a week. And then it trimmed down to five nights a week. And then it was still animalistic. You know, you're out every night. And once my wife had the baby, I got a little older. I can't go to the store every night until one in the morning. It just, I would be dead because of the sleep issues. I don't sleep well.

Sometimes I wouldn't go to bed until two. And I'd be wide awake and sick. That means by Wednesday I gotta cancel everything on my agenda because I can't fucking move. Yeah, I get that tired. So I've learned to now, it's Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. If I'm in town, I'll try to do those two shows at the county store. So I'll do the main room Thursday. Yeah.

Original, that's five spots. If I stay home the whole month, that's 20 spots. That's not bad. That's not bad. Plus I'm rushing. Plus I'm writing. And you're doing two podcasts a week. You're doing somebody else's and them being the most important thing I can

be a father. That's, listen, everything else. That's what changes. You know, last night I was looking at my daughter at the table. I have a podcast with her on Tuesdays about science. I was telling you. Oh, yeah. Just we don't tape it or nothing. We just do it to entertain us so she reads. And I was sitting there going, you know, it's a shame I have to go out seven nights a week. You know, like I have to go out at night. I know if she personally doesn't like it. She lives with it. I explain that we keep the lights on. She doesn't like it. I just know.

I know her type. But I feel like I'm in the mafia. What would you do if you were in the mafia and you were known as the top hit man? And one day by mistake, you got your girlfriend pregnant. And now you got these two kids. And every day when you leave, you don't know if you're coming home. Yeah.

You don't know if you're coming home. I might get into a shootout. Today is the day that they might find a gun from 68 or today is the day that I get arrested. or something, you know? And I feel the same way now. Like, between you and I, I love going on the road. I love it.

I too. I loved it when I was getting high. Oh, yeah. When I was getting high. Oh, my God, that was, I could stay clean for three days because I knew I was going away for four. Nobody would see me. It was part of the addiction.

Oh my God, yeah, it's easy to stay clean on the Tuesday because it was coming Wednesday. They're already waiting for me in Houston. The packages in, what was he saying? In Carlito's way, the holes are dug, the sandbags are ready. Like, I'd be ready to go. Now that I have no addiction, the road, I still love doing comedy, but I know I can't go out every weekend.

Well, here's the thing in New York. I could, like, this weekend I'm in New York, I'm at a club, and I'm doing it like a door deal, whatever. It's a showcase club, but I'm headlining it. So it'll be, instead of three acts doing 20 minutes, I do an hour and I'll get everybody's money. You see what I'm saying? Right, right.

But then, you know, and if I wanted to, which I didn't, I could have put late spots in at the seller. You know, I could walk out of New York in the city on a weekend with a thousand or more dollars. Or if I'm headlining Gotham, then it's real money, you know, when you're headline. So, but I'll do spots. I won't go crazy. If I'm in town on a weekend, I'll do a couple spots that to stand, one at the cell,

like three spots on a Friday. three on a Saturday. I might go in on a Tuesday, you know what I mean? But when I go on the road, you know, and I won't go for more than a week. You know,

I don't, I always have to come home. I have to come home. So I'll do, what, Thursday through Saturday or Sunday, and then come home, be home Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

whatever, you know. And if I go out again. And a lot of stuff on the East Coast also is, you know, say I'm working Baltimore or D.C., you know, I'm going in for Friday, Saturday, and I'm going to drive home Saturday night after the gig, four hours, whatever, drive, come back from Boston, Connecticut.

So, you know, and now in October, November, we got this big tour. We're starting, the Creece for Kids tour, which it's me, Bobby Kelly, Florentine, and Bennington. This is a monster show. It's a monster show. I mean, we did one show in Pennsylvania from beginning to end. It's just murderers row, just beginning to end. It's creeps with kids.com. So we got this tour October, November.

And, you know, it's Friday, Saturday, East Coast. We got Chicago and I, Pittsburgh. But, you know, you're with your friends. I'm out doing comedy with my friends in a theater. No chicken fingers in the front row. No checks being dropped. you know and it's just it you know I'm looking forward to that you know you know it's crazy when we first start coming and I didn't get the formula until my second like two and a half years

and then I got the formula and I put it into work the formula is get on stage and right yeah that's the formula that's it's it nothing else works just get on stage and right get on stage and right digging get into the community get your five friends, everybody books a room. You know, you always got something to work with. For me, it was the bolder broker. You don't get burnt out. What you do when you're first an open micer is you bomb.

You bomb because you're burnt out. You don't even know you're burnt out. But you don't have time to burn out. You can't. Like, I've never heard an open mic and say, I'm taking a week off. When you're in open mic, you never take a week off. That doesn't even exist in your mind unless you get hit by a car. and unless your mother's passed away

and even then the third night of the wake you better go do some fucking comedy or at least at the funeral. Yeah, at the funeral. Yeah, because that's what keeps you going. It really does. It really, people have no idea but as you get older

and other things come into your life, you know, for me it was a child on the podcast. Yeah. Okay, I knew that I wanted to put time and effort into the podcast to get my word out, to put my heart into it to get my, you know,

and it takes time. You got to think of ideas. and you have to get guests. So for me to be fair to the audience, because I don't want them to ever feel like I'm just going through the motion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I told Theo last week. Theo Vaughn booked a movie.

Congratulations for Theo. Uh-huh. I've heard of him. He's an Atlanta training right now. Great guy. And he was really concerned about book. Like he was very concerned about taking the film because of canceling. And I said, Caroline's, comedy on Broadway.

they'll all be there next year. This movie with Chris, whatever, only comes once. That's number one. Number two, I could tell you're burnt out. They've destroyed you. They've destroyed you. And he goes, by the way, I just canceled Brayette next week, and I can't do it. I go, you can't do it no more.

I was here for years and more. I've been here for 22 years. And I watched from Bobby Slayton to, to the girl that Wendy Liebman to all of them go from work in 52 weeks to working nothing and I would say first off Ralphie let's take Ralphie for example

Ralphie was a dear friend to you and a dear friend to me I learned so much from Ralphie on not what to do like it was burnt out to the max and I know it 300 pounds what it's like I know what my knees feel like after a show and I got to go back to the room and put ice on my knees after two shows I put my feet up and watch soprano or whatever the fuck I watch on Netflix.

So I can't imagine what that kid was going through. Non-stop. Non-stop. And, you know, he would go to markets. I would go, you were just there. But the agents, he didn't know. They were just booking them. So we'd learn from the people who come in front of us.

We'd learn. You know, so for me, the formula that worked. So my wife, my daughter, the podcast and the road wouldn't work out is the life I'm living right now. Yeah. The summer I only went out one week a month. Well, two, you know, when one, today, just today, they go, oh, we got to move your date in Minneapolis. And I go, oh, instead of going, ah, shit, I went, oh, that's great.

Because the week after, I'm in Vegas, I go, good, I get to stay home a week. One week. I go, let's, and I said, we'll move it to May or June next year. Plus, I don't want to go to Minneapolis in the winter. I go, let's wait on. next year and so it didn't phase me because I know I'm going to work it and you know year I mean we've done a million things like you do see back in the day you go I got to get to sitcom I got to do this do that you know I did last comic standing and I had a big opportunity then because it was the first

season I could have moved to L.A. and shit would have happened but I go I'm not leaving my kids my daughters were I don't know 12 and 10 then or whatever they were 14 and 12 I go look If it doesn't happen on the East Coast, it ain't going to happen. But I tell you what, I was there watching my kids grow up, play basketball, do, you know, whatever. So now, there's so many things you create your own projects. Bonnie and I have fucking, you know, we made a movie. We did this fucking roast.

You know, I do all my own CDs. You know, we got our own projects. You know, we do special shows at, you know, with Montreal, Moon Tower, Skangfest, you know, would you bat, bang, you know, so you know, you could do your own shit. This here, right here, this was not heard of 15, when we

started, no. This wasn't heard of, you know, come, you got your own studio, you're a fucking radio show that you put together yourself. You know what I'm saying? You know, you, like, and that's why back in the day, I used to respect you know, like Larry the Cable guy,

Dan Cook, all these people, because they went around the industry and made shit happen on their own and became fucking multi-millionaires. Listen, an agent never made a career. No. Okay. That's the, I love when people go, well, I sign a new agent, my life's going to change. Your life's not going to change. No, you sign with a new car salesman.

You still got to go in that fucking, yeah, yeah. You still got to go in those breakdowns and find your roles if you want to be an actor. And you know what? You got to fax your avails. Remember when you used to fax your avails? Email your veils. Do you remember sending press kits? Oh my God, press kits with the fucking fake article,

the Washington reporter. Joe Diaz is a natural. One of my things on my resume here was I opened for Richard Belzer. Did I put in parentheses? Big deal. Then you send out a resume, yeah. Resume. And I used to send out blank tapes.

Yeah. To mess with them. Because you know they weren't watching. No. How many times you get paid and you see 2,000? tapes with six inches of dust on. Yeah, oh, yes. And the poor bastard is somewhere in Minneapolis going, man,

I'm telling you, he's going to call any day. He's going to watch my tape. They don't want to tape over him. They made movies on them. It's hysterical how I remember Kevin Kevin. Remember Kevin Kearney? Yes. Remember he used to book the catcher? Where is he?

Huh? Where is Kevin? He's in Vegas. I don't know he's not, I don't know what he's doing, but he lives in Vegas. I'm pretty sure. He started in Philly. I knew him from Philly. Right. I tormented him for 10 years to get the catcher rises. Yeah. You know, send me a tape.

I would send them blank tapes. I like your tape, but I got to find the spot for you. You're dirty. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It took 10 years and one day, Schubert call me, and I walked in the door. You know, it was like you were chasing this dream. And one day, all the work you put in to get in, nothing. And all of a sudden, a guy just calls you and says, you work in this clubberman.

You're like, oh, it's that easy. Well, I remember work in Pittsburgh. I was at the Impropey Brothers. And I went hung out with you. I left my club, I got a Joey's in town and I drove over to your place. You were with the Snyder brothers. The creepy brothers. Yeah, the funny bone or whatever the fuck.

That's why I did my first CD at that club, the one with that fucking incline behind it, ready to crash through the building. But I don't know if you remember this, but I came down and we were hanging out. That would be 2005. It was. Holy fun. It was easily. 2006, yes.

It was easily back then, you know, it was back in the day. But we were both in town. And I don't even know how the fuck I knew you back then. How the fuck did I know you or we knew each other? I was a fan of yours. You were the one. I was a fan of yours before I started comedy. I watched you on like a bee or something black.

Oh, yeah. You are the only white guy on something, and I always remembered you. I wasn't into comedy. I was bugging people and doing eight balls. I was doing time. Comedy was not, this is 88. Yeah. 89, 90.

90 when I got out of the joint, was when I started watching comedy very quietly. Uh-huh. Very quietly. I wouldn't tell people I was thinking about it. People in jail told me a couple friends on the call out told me. I was thinking about it, so I was watching BET tapes. Joe Torrey warming up for the BET, Martin Lawrence. I studied Rodney Dangerfield,

the young comedians. With Hicks, Dice, that episode. Yeah. Just an encyclopedia. I was at that taping. I went and watched that tape. No, you were. At Danezerfields.

With Dice and all those things? Yeah, it was the Dice one, I think. It was either the Dice. Yeah, because it was Hymel. Shimmo. Hicks was on, I think maybe even Carol Leiffer, maybe. Carol Leifer, yes. Cala Lucear, the black dude that made the movie

with his credit cards. Oh, Robert Townsend. Yeah, I was at one of the tapings. It was either that one or the long... Were you already doing comedy then? Yeah, I just went to watch. Wow. Standing, you know, in Dangerfields,

and I stood in the hallway, and I'm pretty, because I knew Hicks. I wasn't like, you know, I knew Hicks from working with him, not like we didn't call each other, but when we saw each other, you know, he liked me and I, you know, so, yeah, but you're saying, so you study that, that was, that was some serious fucking comedy back then those young comedians still still to this day when I go on a bombing streak

yeah to get back to basics I will watch that tape because that's the fundamental tape Kennison at the end Roseanne Barr oh yeah Robert Schemel it has so many different styles that in one tape to me for me it was always the blueprint of comedy it Lenny Clark opened up the one and the other one was opened up by the guy that wore the leather jacket that that used to rap on stage a little bit of white dude come on now oh he's mensomort oh barri sobo barri sobo he shows up with a young kid that looks like peter to peter davidson and all this show right he always shows up with a young kid that looks like pete davidson oh that's hilarious don't say a word

He wouldn't say a word. He's crying inside. The kid's 18. He would show up at the comedy story. Every week with the same little broken kid, like 18. That's so funny. That's so fucking funny. Oh, that's hilarious.

My God. But that was the blueprint for me. And then my brother bumped into you. My street brother bumped into you at a benefit that you used to do. do and you had a brief conversation with him and after that we just became friends i think i did uh opi and anthony and you were there when they had the puter rican bodyguard yeah yeah yeah what's mr poe or something mr poe no he's not with right no one's around but nobody's around yeah poe you do what's a fucking karate motherfucker right he was a big time but he's a little crazy

yeah yeah he kept calling me like i want to be your bodyguard i don't need the bodyguard i don't need a bodyguard I need a career. I need a body guy. I need a fucking career. I'm going to be the only middle with a bodyguard. Yeah, I'm a middle with a bodyguard. He's a middle with a posse. Oh my God.

What is this guy talking about? He was a nice guy. That's when I met you. And I think we ran into each other in the airport. And then one night, I just started seeing old footage of you. I started watching you and Patrice. And then the clinker was my wife's half American Indian. If you go to a house and meet her mother, you could tell they're Indians.

And I'm in the bathroom washing my face or whatever, and I'm like doing this shit. I'm looking for a towel. And I think we're watching. I think it was tough crowd. You said something about when I was in grammar school, I told me to go sit in the Indian stuff. So I would get a bottle of gin and go lay in the sewer. bottle of whiskey and landing curd.

Now, my wife's American Indian. I don't want to laugh. We both looked at each other with that look, and we busted out. And she goes, that is the best joke I've ever heard in my life. What's his name? And ever since that, she's been your biggest fan. Oh, that's funny.

She said, if I didn't have to take it to karate, I go over and give him a hug. Because finally, suddenly made the American Indian joke. We both just went. Like I was like, oh. Oh, shit. That joke was funny. And then Rogan told me a joke.

You said one night in Carolines that we can't really repeat here. Oh. What's the funniest thing. He said that you threatened him with the joke. And you said that you threatened him with the joke. He said he goes open with it. And the one about Robin Gibbons? Right, right.

He goes open with it. Oh, my God. And silence. But only one person laughing. Joe Rogan. He loves that shit. He loves it. He loves all that stuff.

We used to do, in Jersey, we did a couple one-nighters, me and him, when I was married to my ex-wife, because I remember me and him working in Seaside, New Jersey, because my ex-wife was with me, and we took a walk to the Borwalk or whatever. This was before he did news radio. Oh, yeah. This is way, he just came down from Boston or something. And somehow, you know, because you could tell when. certain people are are not right and we were both not right you know what I'm saying

there's comic like Keith Robinson has the best fucking theory on comics there's comics like us that sat in the back of the bus and then you get to front of the bus comics that did their homework and shit but the back of the bus comics were always like fucking ass you know they're trouble making kids you know we're back of the bus comics going I grew up doing comedy yeah you know when I think of comedy I learned the gift of comedy on the number one bus from Jersey City to North Bergen

because at the end of the number one route in Jersey City was a methadone clinic so after they give you the bottle of methadone they give you a bus pass and 20 junkies would get on there and we'd get on the bus on 39th Street and it was torture it was spit balls and fuck

you know we throw things at them that was kids so you had kids from school took city buses? We all took the city bus city buses to school? City buses to school? bus on Kennedy Boulevard. Kennedy Boulevard.

There's no school buses. We had school buses. We had a yellow one. No, I'm from North Bergen. It's the second hillyest city in the country. And I would have to walk both up those hills to Kennedy Boulevard or somebody's parent would give you right up the hill. And then you would catch the number one bus

and it was fucking pure comedy. The junkies that would go get to fix at 8.30 in the morning. And I would have to be in school at 8.45 and I'd get on that bus and they'd be nodding with the daily news open and I'll never forget one with the drool from his lip

connected to the paper and there was just a puddle and us just fucking laughing like just laughing throwing shit at him and then I remember that I had a fart and I farted and it went right in his mouth

because I sat and towards the back of the chair. First off he was in the chair that's sideways. They would sit there by themselves and fucking be bouncing and his mouth was open. So I farted on the chair And it was a bank shot Walked the chair right into his fucking mouth

They went directly into his mouth I'll never forget that guy We fucking That's like this is kids going to school It's like It's almost like you're going to war You know like we took just a school bus And it was the fucked up kids in the back of the bus

But we didn't have city buses You know it wasn't like that You know sitting on the bus With fucking heroin addicts It's fucking tremendous. You can't write that shit. It's great. I guess that's New York City, too.

I mean, these kids are taking city buses and subways to school and shit. You know, now kids are so fucking protected, you know. So she's got to walk to school now, Raina. Because if you live less than two miles, you're on your own. They took away the buses. We're 1.9 miles. Two miles? Two miles.

You got to live, you know, or else whatever. Pay, and we went to pay, but nobody else on the block would pay. Only me and Bonnie, it was a thousand bucks to get a private bus. And we go, oh, yeah, so here's our $1,000 check, but not enough people to win. So now she's got to walk to school, you know, and I get two miles each way to school. Forget it. That'll take forever. So I'll get her a bicycle or something.

I don't know. Fuck it. Or she's on her own. But you drive her? Well, we don't, we don't, it doesn't start. next week, September. Last year she was in middle, no, now she's

in middle school. She was in fifth grade and had a bus. But now six and seventh, middle school don't have a bus. She can't walk no. Two miles? What? You were in sixth grade last year. Oh, you were in sixth grade. Sorry, mind your business. What's the big deal? No one's going to

question us. You're going to have to give a ride. Yeah. You can't walk two miles? No, no. In today's world, that just... No. Unless you start dating somebody in high school, that has...

No, no, no. It's crazy in today's world how we were raised, and especially you and I, and how protective. I wouldn't let my daughter walk to Laurel Canyon. I wouldn't let my daughter walk to... I wouldn't let my daughter walk to Koufax from where I live. But I'll tell you what, I guess it was okay for me to run across the street

on Broadway on 89th Street when I was five. My mother told me, no cruiser like I, you don't cross the street. Me and my buddies would cross the street just to see if we wouldn't get hit by a car. You understand? So, like, I'm a hypocrite because when my wife came home a couple weeks ago and told me the camp was taking her to the beach, I'm sure the heart. You didn't tell me about this in the beginning. She goes, yes, I did. I wouldn't have signed on. I go, yeah, you better go to the beach with them. They go, we're not allowed. So for three Wednesdays in a row, I kept it together.

But from 11 to 2, my heart was in my hand. You're taking my daughter. If something happens, you understand, I'm going to fucking kill you. I'm going to go in blasting first. So you better take good, I went to the camp, and I pulled the council over. I tried to give her half a yard to let her know that if you take this half a yard, you're responsible. Something happens to this kid. I'm going to break your fucking skull.

You understand? They took them to the museum in Long Beach, which I was petrified. Meanwhile, it was okay for me for the school to take me to the... In New York and New Jersey, your first trip was the Statue of Liberty or whatever. And I still remember being in North Jersey, and them taking us to Betsy Ross's house in Philadelphia and the Nutcracker Suite and whatever. My mom didn't complain. She signed the waiver.

Well, we used to... Well, one, I took her to... beach on the other day to Santa Monica. Right, I remember. And I fucking, first of all, I didn't want to go in the water, so I wore jeans. You could tell us from the East Coast because I'm sitting on the beach with fucking jeans and a fucking t-shirt. But I had to walk down to the water to watch her and she's going all the way to fuck out.

And I'm having a fucking anxiety attack. I'm going to come, you're out there. You know, I don't want to fucking fuck going, I don't want to fuck my wallet up and my phone going in to save you. Move the. fuck in and I'm having anxiety attacks and I couldn't even imagine somebody else and I'm not there and she's you know what I'm saying I I couldn't imagine that well thank God she's a goofball my daughter and she's into seashells yeah she's into catching those live little crabs that's what she

was doing thank God she likes the water a little bit but thank God but I'm a hypocrite because you know I wouldn't let it she came to me today and said I'm going to walk to the corner on Colfax's little liquor store there. Right. So candy. I would absolutely tell, no. It's 60 yards. Yeah.

But at six, I don't know how many times I made the jaunt. I used to walk to school from kindergarten until we took the bus. I mean, I would, kindergarten, first grade, and I was walking, you know, whatever, half a, to school back then. Everybody walked to school back then. We didn't have a bus till fifth grade. because it was way far. And junior high school, high school, I don't know because I didn't really go that much.

I just went to sell weed. Did you quit high school? Huh? Did you quit high school? Man, I was in 10th grade. I was in English class. I said, can I go to the bathroom? He gave me a pass and I never came back.

Really? But I would just go to school, fourth, fifth, or whatever, lunch periods. And I hang out in all three lunch periods with different crews. And I sell some smoke up there or get high, hang by the heater where it was warm. and then, you know, fucking go home.

Did you ever get your GED? No. I got my. You got one? I had one before. I had to get one before you go to prison. Oh. So your point levels go up so that you don't put you in a shitty prison.

So I went and got my GED. That's what you got to do to get an extra point to a take off. You had high school diploma. When did you, so you were doing comedy two years when you realized the drugs were getting in the way of everything? Well, it had nothing to do it. I go either I'm gonna die or end up in jail. Now your wife had already disappeared.

No, no, I didn't even know my wife. My kids had never seen me high. I was single. So you got married the first time you were single? I was clean. Really? Okay, okay. I thought that's what ended the whole thing.

No, no, she never seen me high. None of them, none of my kids ever seen me high. God bless you, brother. They're 28 and 26, so I got 33 years. No, I was, I was going to. gonna die. I'd go to jail because, you know, I was just out of my fucking mind. It didn't matter. It didn't matter, you know, how to get it, where to get it, you know. You know, you walk into places up in 158th in Amsterdam and, you know, dudes holding, you know, pieces to your head. Didn't phase me.

Didn't, I do this on stage, too. It's true. Like, I put myself in positions where I could have easily been shot, Rob, whatever. No fear. And now at my age, and this is, I said, I'm scared I'm going to slip in the shower. It's crazy that I'm scared to go out at night. Yeah.

It's scared. Because you think about it, you know, look, I've come back when my cars, you know, years ago at the train station, you see the window broken on, oh shit, they took my radio, they broke the car. But I go, how am I going to get I did the same, you know, now I'm the victim.

You know what I mean? It comes back and always comes back. So, yeah, I got clean because I had to. I would be dead. Did you go to a rehab? Yeah, for five-day detox, 28-day rehab. And then the program carried you through since day one? Well, yeah, no, the desire to stay clean.

I mean, I shot an hour special at an N-A convention. you know it's fucking you know they're trying to sell it now my management this fucking thing is it's fucking really cool

it's a masterpiece I'll show you to begin after we're done this I'll just show you the minute of it but you know it's shot it's never been done never had they allow cameras

and a convention not a meeting it's a big convention and obviously I don't show the audience but I'm doing comedy and talk doing recovery comedy

you know shit I can't do a club because they don't get it. You know, they just don't get it. And the special is so fucking cool. You know, so, yeah,

meetings and 12-step programs and a lot of my friends are all in recovery. You know what I mean? I mean, I hang with a crew that were all fucked up

when we were younger, you know. Did you know Jimmy when he was getting I? Who, no. Or Northern North Florida? No, no, I didn't know any of them. No, and that's the thing about comedy, too. And I think we're all decent comics,

but we hung around with so many good comics, you had to be good, like Patrice, Keith, Billy Burr, Norton, Bobby Kelly. You know, when you're surrounded by great, good comics, they'll call you out on shit. We used to sit at the cellar and do hack court. And if somebody had a hack bit, we bring it up and do hack court and so we hung around and a lot of the guys i hang around with

are don't get high they don't drink you know and and and i was working with some comic recently he was talking about how he's getting high on stage and and i walked up there and i go come on are you serious peel your face from fucking doing meth all night or you know steal your your mom's car then talk to me about getting fucking high you know you're i don't want to hear about your bottom where you fucking passed out on the front lawn, you know, talk to me when you're fucking, when everything's gone. You know what I mean? Everything. Spiritually, emotionally, you know, financially, bankrupt, completely. Everything's gone. You got nothing sleeping on your mom's floor. That's what I did. I, wherever you could sleep, you know.

And now I look, I got, you know, shit, I put kids through college. I got to, I got to, townhouse I got you know what I mean like actually I couldn't get high now do you think that Sometimes does it occur to you that Maybe you had a couple different lives Because you're a little older than I am yeah two years or something I'm 56 yeah and I sit here I don't think of recovery stories I think of where I was 12 years ago 13 years ago like I think about 2007 a lot how I was broken I was broken rich I was doing yeah, I was getting heroin mailed up

in Jersey. Right after 9-11, they were getting in Newark, $3 bags of heroin, and I would do a little line every Monday, and I wouldn't do Coke the rest of the week. And for a summer, I didn't do coke, and I'm like, I'm on to something.

I have to call 20-20 and tell them I know how to get rid of cocaine addiction. I mean, I was, that's how crazy I was. I know how to beat cocaine addiction, do a little line of heroin every Monday. I thought I was like Lewis Pasteur. I thought I had invented something. Yeah, that's such.

This is how crazy I was. The writer's strike. The longest yard coming out. Everybody got a call. Tracy Morgan got a call. Chris Rock got a TV show. The other black guy, Terry Cruz, got on Chris Rock show. Everybody got a show.

Goldberg got a race car show. Everybody got a love except me. And throughout the whole movie, they're telling me it. So I was broken emotionally. financially I mean when I quit my wife had to take out a loan for me to pay my debts I was probably down 14 G's in child support I was down my the final number was 636 a month for six years I had to pay a loan back six hundred thirty six dollars a month wow but I still owed the attorneys money from my divorce in 91 you know do you know I just about a

year ago paid one of my old drug dealers one of the few that really deserved that that really put up with a lot of my shit, that I really put through hell. Like, I would hide money on them and tell him I left the money, and then it got ripped off. I don't know what you're talking about. And then I ended up sleeping with his ex-wife. I mean, I put him through the margins.

I put him through hell. But you know what? He came to me like a man when he goes, hey, man, can I talk to you about something? He goes, I have a kid with her, and I really want to reconcile with her. As a man, would you stop messing around with it just for we could, And I shook his hand and I never talked to that girl again.

Because he was a man. I always respected him. And about three years ago, he hit me out. Hey, how you doing? Congratulations. I said, bro, send me your address. I didn't forget about the $1,600. I never forgot.

I owed him $1,600. He would bring me a gram and I'd give him $100. He'd go, what about what the... No, come on. Who's your buddy? Nah, no, I can't do it. I'd have to talk them into it after time. For two years, I put this guy through...

I put all my dealers. Yeah, I put all my dealers truck. I had one dealer who would leave me Coke on his motorcycle, and I went in his garage. I had to open up the garage and go under the seat, and I wouldn't leave the $50 either. He would call me the next day. What happened to the money?

I left it there. My fucking roommate, that cuck's ugly. I remember going to his house one night. I talked to him. Like, these are the stories that when you tell them, and you have these to the end, I mean, and you think back at them, and they're,

funny, but at the same time, they're so sad and tragic. What you were doing and the people around you were doing. This guy was a black dude who I loved. Yeah. I still talked to him. I still talked to my ex-drug dealer because I put him through so much abuse, especially this guy. So I knew this guy was a boozer.

When he was boozing, I'd wait to get booed, and I'd go to his house, his girl from him, go, he passed out. What are we doing? I go, he left me something in his pocket. And I would go in his pocket and take whatever it was, Whether it was an eight ball or half a gram, I'd take it. Or it could be an ounce of Coke. In his pocket.

In his pocket. And he called me next day. What did you take out of my pocket? I don't know, maybe a gram. I'll give you the 60 tomorrow. I did that to him for years. He would come to my house in the nights and go, man, my girlfriend threw me out. And I remember one time he came over a bag of fried fish, and my cat attacked him.

My cat just jumped on him, and he gave him the fish. But when he was passed out, I would take all the coke out of his pocket. He would wake up and go, man, I could have sworn. I had 26 grams. I woke up with 21, you know. People don't, like, do you ever think of those stories of shit? You did and go, who was that rich for us? Well, like this dude I knew came up from Florida.

My mom was away for the weekend. So he came up from Florida. You're staying in my house. He brought an ounce of some of the best. I mean, this was amazing. What year was this? Straight towards my end. it was

33 years ago, whatever, 34 years ago, 35. So 35 has to be what? 30 is 89. Yeah, probably out of 87. It was still good then. He brought it from Florida.

He came up and he fell asleep on the couch. Man, you don't fall asleep. Leaving that around. I cut it. I took like an eighth out. Put an eighth out. end of cut. You couldn't tell.

And, you know, the dudes, and he's sleeping, just don't wake up. You know, this girl, I met this girl in Boston. I was working Boston, Massachusetts. I go, I'm not going to spend my money. I'm not going to spend it. Come Friday, Saturday night, you know, I'm doing all these one nighters. I had like 600 bucks.

And back then, that was a lot of money, six or $700. I met his waiters. Next you know from Worcester, Mass, I drove back to New York City. Spent all my money, got a hotel. Then I had a driver back. I was home. I had a driver back and still do Sunday night up in Boston and Knicks.

Right? With no money driving back to Boston, my nose started bleeding. I'm holding a shirt, right? And like my clothes is up there in a paper bag. You know, and then I had to drive back home again. Now I'm broke. So I go, well, this girl, this girl said to me, her sister wants an ounce. I go, well, I'll do that.

I'll rip her off easily. I mean, how hard would that be? So we were sending it up, but then I ended up in rehab, right? Because I would have ripped her off. We ended up in rehab. I ended up in rehab. Two years later, I'm working down in Florida at the comic strip, and that girl who I would,

she was in the audience with her boyfriend who was a monster. If I would have ripped her off, what, are you kidding me? They would have found me. They would have found me. So, but that was my bottom. Like, weeks later, I ended up in rehab

after driving from Boston and then back up. I had a fun night. Don't get me wrong. It was a fun night. Why did you go all the way back to New York? Because we couldn't find none of in Boston. I didn't know anybody up there.

You've told stories like that, like going from like, where is it, San Diego back? I went to Ontario one night, the improv. An hour, 10 minutes to Ontario, I get to my hotel room, I set the sleep apnea machine up. I'm ready to go to bed and I'm like, what are you crazy? I drove all the way back to Hollywood to get a G-bo and all the way back to Ontario to do it. I missed radio. The Improv banned me for like two years. This had to be 2006.

They banned me for two years, the improv. Crazy. And then I got a call and I started DeBray Improv, the Dirty Show. They tried to believe in me, yeah? You said, though, I had different lives. Yeah, but it's all different lives in one life because I wouldn't be where I'm at now. Without those lives, right, in the same way.

Okay, I wouldn't have raised my kids the way I raised them without having parents that weren't the best parents. You know what I mean? Just selfish not my mom my mom was you know she had a raise three kids But then you get you know someone like you know your dad's coming to visit you You haven't seen them in weeks or you're standing by the window There's daddy and all of some detectives jump out of the bushes and lock them up So who you man at your mom for setting them up and using you or your dad for not paying child support? You know what I mean?

So they're both fucked up so I said we with my kids, I'm going to be the exact opposite. You know, I remember one time going to my father, I need a picture of me growing up, and he had like two. I got hundreds, thousands of my kids. You know what I mean? So just they did, I guess, the best they could with the tools they had, but I said, I'm going to do better with my kids. You see what I'm saying? I'm going to do whatever it takes to raise my kids to be decent, normal, nice kids.

You know? This kid's a genius over here. here that's because of Bonnie she's a genius it's crazy what she knows straight A's I never got an A she gets straight A what the fuck I look at it I go what's an A look like you know but you know look at all that shit in the past all that stuff is you are where you're supposed to be when you're there and it's all from everything I did in my past not only made me a semi better person and it made me a better comic. Look at all the shit we know from life.

You see, you know, we have so much to go to dig back on, to write material about and to talk about because we've lived life. We've lived it. You know, our pay, you know, you get a 20-year-old comic. They're 22, 23. They're funny. They've got good jokes, but it's not coming from here.

It's coming from the head, not the heart. When you see a comic that's talking like you watch you, Like I listen to you on the radio going, that shit is real. That's not, hey, that's not, he didn't make that up, you know, for some roundtable. That shit is real. You see what I'm saying? And that's all because of the life we've led. And I'm not saying one comedy's better than another.

You could watch Brian Regan and laugh your ass off all night long. Or you could listen to Stanhope going, that's some real shit right there. That's some, you know what I mean? Maybe I'm talking in circles and I'm crazy. No, no, no, no. I understand what you know what I'm saying though right you know your audience is going what the fuck's he talking about I'm just saying there's different types of comedy and comedians I'm drawn to the real ones Patrice you know what I mean guys like you Colin Rogan's real and uh you know

all of them there's a certain breed but then also I love just guys that are doing stuff that's funny as shit you know that you know, you walk out, what do you say? I don't know, but he was funny. John Mulaney. Yeah, someone like... John Mullaney's a very polished. For a guy like me,

that's who I intended to be when I got into comedy. Yeah. But I'm too fucking filthy. I was a junkie. I'm a fellow, man. I don't have the heart of John Mullaney's a sweetheart. You know what I'm saying?

It's, I understand what, you know, do you have any shame in your past? At times, do you have any shame? I mean... I mean, I mean... I mean, you look, yeah, no, I mean, look, what the fuck? It's the past. There's nothing I could do.

I try to make as much amends to people as I could. And my main amends was I got clean and my parents, my mom died knowing I was clean. My dad's 91. He knows I'm clean. So my main amends is to myself. People I've made amends to, hey, I'm sorry or this or that. Look, I owe dudes money, paint stores, this and that. What the fuck?

You know, if I really hurt somebody, I would say it. But now I know if I hurt somebody, I'll say I'm sorry or make amends right away. You know what I'm saying? But my past, what the fuck? It is what it is, you know. I've tried to make amends with as many people as I could. Did you feel like there were some people that it's better left not to... Yes.

I have like two or three people that I'd really like to call and reach out and say how I feel, but it wouldn't change anything. Yeah. It would just make me feel worse than I already feel about the situation, so I ignore it, you know. I think if you're deep down sorry for shit you did and you're not doing it again, you know what I mean? What else can you do? Plus, you're setting an example for your kid, you know, you're not that person you were.

so your kids are going to grow up you know like I said my kids grow up pretty fucking stable so because they didn't see me out there they didn't see me doing the crazy shit I think the one thing I feel bad for and I did say I'm sorry you know what I put my mom through

you know I had drug dealers that I owe money to torch her car you know I wait you know I own money next year you know next one her car is on fire burnt you know why you know so and not only could I call the dealer I go look not only you're not getting your money we're getting a new car from insurance but I thought you know then another time was in New York somebody hit her car smashed it so I go

to that dude yo man give me a hundred and just go and I took the hundred then I said to my mom yeah the car was parked and someone hit so I did do put her through a lot of shit and I did apologize to her and I'm sorry for what I put you through when she was in the hospital I went in even said I love you which it was it's always been hard for me to say that I could say it to my kids easily easily but it's hard for me to say it to just anybody I give it to my wife to my kids but you know so I said I love it even though she would had Alzheimer's I don't know what was going on in her head And I apologize for what I put her through.

But she saw that through the years of me staying sober, too, and giving her grandchildren and whatever. So, I don't know. I mean, listen, I'm still fucked up. You made your piece with her. Yeah, I'm still fucked up. Look, and who were buying jewelry and sneakers and 62 years old and wearing about Nikes?

What the fuck is what I'm on? You've earned. You've seen the other side, and now you're here. you know, I tell you what bothers me about comedy, that comedians get hot and people come see him. But there's a handful of comics that just because they're not hot anymore, people won't come out and see them, and they're really the best comics working the circuit today.

I've always felt that you're that guy. I've always felt that you're one of the top three guys working today. You're... And I learned. a lot from you like when I when Bonnie was telling me that you're obsessed with walking and your health and your fitness and because you know how important it is guys I guess first of all we we transferred our addiction oh yeah we transferred our addiction we live by transferring of addiction you know I am not a hypocrite or anything

I did my time I went to N A meetings and stuff like that I got clean by myself I made a promise in Cuba it's called a man's promise I made a problem I got clean by making a promise to a fucking cat a cat was dead night and I said if you saved this cat I'll never get high again the first four days I was kicking the cat I'm like die you fuck and the cat lived and I still have the cat get out that's the cat's still alive and he loves me more and I just picked them up today and gave my kiss and called him my little chink I love him because he's half-side me I just I call him my little chink I just that's great I just said if Can you improv start hiring me again?

I'll quit. No, go ahead. No, I just said I'll quit. And it was the toughest 30 days of my life. And I did it. And I think about two years in, I got on my hands and knees, and I apologized to my mother. My mother died when I was 16.

But for all, I mean, you know, I couldn't even. When I would get high, I would think about her. When I would get to that certain spot of the night, you know, when that dopamine, something goes well, when you think about your life, when you look inside and you're like, I'm the ugliest person in the world, this is why I'm doing this, I deserve to die. There's that point in the night where I, I apologize to my mother the best that I could

for those 28 years of abuse that I did and I stole and ruined relationships. But again, like you, they ain't dick I could do. It's part of who the fuck I am today. It's why I work so hard today. It's why I made my amends, you know. I went to prison because I didn't claim responsibility of my life. That's the biggest thing. Why don't you take responsibility?

In my world, I'm the one that killed the Kennedys. Ask me, who killed the Kennedys? Joe Diaz. Who killed Jimmy Hoffer, Joe Diaz? Who bombed last night, Joe Diaz? I did it all. Who killed those kids in Iowa last week? I did it because it makes my life easier.

It makes my life a lot easier. When you learn to claim it, when you learn to say I have fucked up. Yeah. You know, and that's what, those are all the parts of recovery. Learning to say you fucked up Learning to apologize You know Yeah

Learning to Rich Voss If you want me to I think In 56 I think the last three years I've been comfortable In my own skin

I've come to terms What I've done Until then Every time I do a show And somebody comes up to you And says Your podcast Help me

I'm like What the fuck are you talk I love when people Come up and want to take a picture Of me And I think to myself If they knew Fifteen years ago

I try to pickpocket you. Like your wife is taking a picture of me and her purse is open. 15 years ago, I would have been taking that purse right out of there, putting it in my pant pocket, and then saying, telling people I've got to go to the bathroom, taking the cash out, picking up the toilet lid and throwing the wallet in there. They're looking around, and finally about an hour later, we found it in the men's bathroom. It must have been the bus boy. Meanwhile, it was me.

Then send them the bill for the picture. Oh, my God. You know, that was the reality of who I wanted. That was a reality of who I was. That white powder made me rob whoever. When it was post time, when it was 8 o'clock at night and that anxiety, you get that drug anxiety, it runs for your body, that makes you black out until you get the product in your hand.

That was my last year. My last year, I would black out until I had the product in my hand. Well, my, one of my lowest points, I was... Sitting in a bar in New York, it's called the film center, 40 cent drafts. You know, I'm already tapped out. I'm down. So I'm sitting there and this girl goes, can I buy you a drink? So I sat at her table and she goes, but you got to walk up and get it.

And she had me $20. And I walked to the bar and ran out of the door and just ran with her $20. And went and bought two more, you know, violent. But that was the lowest point of my life, probably, to do something like that. You know, now I wouldn't do it for less than 100. But now, but that was the lowest, you know, it makes you just do shit that you wouldn't do that as a person, as a person. So, but look, it's comedy. I love doing comedy.

Like people go, well, you know, it's so funny, like when they talk about acting and me and Bonnie just did a little part. in Pete Davidson's new movie, you know, that, but, you know, they go, well, why aren't you doing this or that? I go, I'm a comic. Everything else is a bonus. It's a bonus. It's a bonus. It's a bonus. I love doing comedy. I love doing what I fucking do. I just got to, you know, you just got to try to stay relevant so you could still get people in the door and, you know, you West Coast comics are killing it. Me and Bobby were talking about this the other day. You motherfuckers are killing it out here, you know, on the road and around the country. It's so weird how things shift.

You know, during the O&A days, opening up the East Coast. We were killing it. Killing it. Killing it. I never thought of that. That's crazy. And now, because fucking, and Bobby said this on the pilot, because dumb Anthony had to go take a picture in Times Square of some blank chick and

fuck up, you know. And we were, I mean, killing it on tour with them and doing the ONA virus. And now the West Coast comics are killing it. You know, I mean, it's, it, it's just, and it's everybody we like too, fucking Bert, you know, you, I don't know Tom. I did radio twice with Tom and I had a good time with him. Great guy. I don't know them like, you know, on our podcast, we'll fuck around, you know, going after they're saying, look, we'll play him in tennis, you know. And we go, they stole our idea, even though they did it first, you know, we'll fuck, you know, but the nicest guy.

So I don't know him like that. You know, I know, bird. you, Joe, I kind of met what's his name a couple times. Ari? Well, no, I know Ari well. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Fucking Ari's.

You know, so that, you know what I mean? And Theo, I've met Theo a couple times, nice guy. And every time I see him, I tell him how much I like his shit on Sirish Radio, I feel like a little groupie. I go, that's just funny that they put on Siris Radio. It's the same fucking bit I hear every time, but it's still funny.

So you guys And we go you know what Fuck these West Coast motherfuckers We're putting a tour together Decreased our kids We're back We gotta do something You know

And there's room for everybody Listen It's right now I'm just happy I'm happy that you're doing well I'm happy your wife is doing well I'm happy that we're all healthy You know I miss Ralphie

Yeah I'm sure you miss Patrice With all your heart you know, every Saturday I think about Ralphie in the morning. I just called the twins. I just called the Smash Bros. Yesterday just because I went to lift. Uh-huh.

I went to lift, and then I went to Cryo to freeze. And while I was in Cryo, I go, this is where Ralphie should have been doing on Tuesdays. Do you know? Roush, you should have been coming home on Sunday. Yeah. First light out. Sleeping, eating dinner with his family,

working out Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday leaving on Thursday since he didn't do it now I have to do it for well you know I mean addiction is powerful whether it's food gambling drug whatever it is spending it's powerful it may be in the last six months I could finally listen to patrice's comedy on the if I'm in the car and Patrice comes on I can listen to it I the second I heard his voice I would turn I couldn't listen to it. I'd get too depressed, you know, because we were, you know, I remember one night, me and Patrice, I was taking them home to Jersey City and we're walking.

I had to go in this house, go to the bathroom, and we're walking down the street. And I go, I don't have a fucking thing going on in this career. And he goes, man, I don't have shit happening. No agent, no manager, me either. I go, we got nothing. And then we just started cracking up and laughing. I just kept walking. I just kept walking.

And I remember that. And like just we had nothing. We were working Boston Comedy Club, you know, and shit gigs on the road. And then, you know, two years later, things are happening. But, you know, and other people had a bond with Patrice. But me and Patrice were close. You know, I mean, I'm closer with Norton, obviously.

He was the best man at my wedding. But we were all tight. I mean, me, Norton, Patrice, Keith, you know, named Little Kev came into the crew. But me and Patrice, you know, we would talk on the phone sometimes two hours at a time at night just talk you know i'd call him about this or he called me about that he was trashed me on radio one day beat me down so bad talking about i had a little porch and he was driving an escalator whatever and he beat me down saying i'm selfish

i have a porch and he killed me and i drove home furious and then like two days later i looked up the place of his car new and the place of my car knew and i text him i go my car knew it's better than your car new cost more he called me up cracking up going you're still thinking about this shit he goes I forgot about it when I walked out of radio so we had so much and and I couldn't listen to him on the radio I couldn't listen without getting so depressed I was I wasn't close with my brother throughout my life when he passed away and I wasn't as depressed I was the most depressed one Patrice even probably more than my mom.

You know what I mean? Because when you're that close to somebody, good friends, and Billy and Bobby were close. You know what I mean? He was just such a... And now I listen to his stuff on the radio. It's so fucking funny. I put that elephant in the room on.

That's the name of the aisle. Once every six months. So fucking good. And I fucking laugh my ass off. Sometimes the tear comes to my eye because I think of what a great fucking talent he was. He was one of the head.

I went to see one year I went on the headline I was losing my desire for comedy I wasn't doing spots at the store and I said fuck it I'm gonna go watch every headliner at the improv that year and I think Haraldow yeah the best headliner I saw that year but a tight second was a patrice was just more polished and he was yeah and more joke-driven right Patrice was buck wild like me talking about your pussy and all that shit. Patrice had some clever shit about, then he started getting into the whole relationship stuff,

but it was real clever stuff. It wasn't hacky, male feet, it was just really misogynistic, but it was brilliant, you know what I mean? Just brilliant stuff. And I said this on Bennington's, I was doing a un-man, fucking around with Benfitt. I go, you know, Patrice, I was sitting down on stage before Patrice, on a stool he stole that from me I go was Cosby and me okay and then Patrice took it and

fucking Bennington fucking killed me because I was just fucking and they just the internet to Twitter and and it was just so fucking they just beat me down saying I'm that but three I said Patrice stole the sitting down from me his funeral I mean the numbers he fucking it was packed packed And everybody went on and talked. Of course, I headlined. You know, I closed it out. Kevin Hart went on, Colin before me, you know.

They're going to use me last, of course. I walked up at his funeral, and I go, before I get started, I just want to say, after the memorial, I'd be out front on my CDs. But everybody who spoke at his funeral was funny and serious, and there would be laughing and tears. And, you know, he was just such a, he would be, The best comic right now going hands down Hands down would be the best comic great now

You don't said that a couple years ago Bill Burr said that And the main room back there doing the spot And he goes that if Bill, if he was alive today You'd be fucking it up that's crazy He was nothing He was so controversial and he was so honest You know he always took the right side He didn't always go you know

with, you know, if it was a black issue, he didn't always go with, because he was black, he goes, well, you know what? If this is, if you're wrong, you know, this is the deal. You know what I mean? So, whatever. He was just a lot of great memories, a lot of good memories, standing late at night out in front of Boston Comedy Club,

me, him, Keith Norton, just fucking trashing each other all night. Me and Patrice were walking home. walking from the cellar, and we stopping at Boston. And these guys are out of their mind, but Ben Bailey and D.C. Benny were there. Me and Patrice walked down. We beat them down real quick, verbally. Walked in, beat them down, and walked out.

Right? And they think they beat us down. Like, and D.C. Benny think they beat me and Patrice down. I go, not in a million fucking years. We came in, we knocked you out and left, and we kept going, and we just walked down the street left. And it was so much fun back. then.

It's so much fun. You know, man, this comedy journey is a fucking, so you've been doing it now, how many years comedy? 35. What's the number one advice you have for comics if you had to give anybody advice? To just keep writing and get on stage wherever the fuck you can. I don't give a fuck if it's a knife fight. If you can do 10 minutes there, do it because you're going to learn something.

Just get on. And, and I see, here's what I. And study comedy, know the history. Know what the fuck. That's what I did. I really studied. I really studied. I used to go watch comics and headliners and ask questions.

Just like if you're going to the gym or your work, if you're taking any type of boxing and martial arts, you're asking questions. When I used to go to, you know, when I first started going to the gym, I would ask, hey, how do you do this? Just ask questions and watch and learn. Know the fuck the history of what you're doing. That's just to me Maybe it's a whole new scene out there

With the internet and YouTube But You know you can You could go to some comics now And bring up Kennis and they probably don't even know Who the fuck he is? Or Hicks, they know Who's that?

No to history No You know who Fucking opened these doors You know what I'm saying? People will come up to us and go Tough crowd is the reason I started comedy A lot of people say that

But But, you know, I don't know why I said that. It just maybe for some narcissistic ego fucking reason. But I knew I studied comedy. I studied it also. I studied it. I listened to it. I watched it.

You know, I chewed it. I fucking swallowed it. Like, come. I did everything. I did everything. I had to. I knew that for you to do this, you got to absorb yourself. And all styles.

Like, I watched the guy that cut watermelons. I watched one of my favorite kind. I'm not ashamed to say that. It's the puppet guy. Which one? You've seen him live. The one that died was brilliant with his crack addiction and the phone boot on Tuesdays

that he had the puppet that the one from New York, the one that his dick had a little notch on it so he could snore coke out of it. Oh, I don't enjoy it. Yeah. Holy shit. I used to work with him all the time. Yeah, that's brilliant stuff. The clean one?

What's the clean one? Jeff Dunham. Jeff Dunham. If you go watch Jeff Dunham, unless you're a hater. Yeah. You'll laugh a little bit. Yeah, with Carrott. Carin Top.

I haven't seen Karen Top in years. But he's the best prop act. If you're going to do props, he's the best, right? You know, how many fucking prompt acts are left? So you're right. No, it's true. Study your comedy. Study it.

When does this creepy? Creeps with Kids tour. If you want tickets, creeps with kids.com. Starts in October. And it's Creeps with a K, right? Yeah, creeps with kids.com, Robert Kelly, Jim Florentine. Another guy that nobody really talks about is that fucking Robert Kelly. I don't know if people know that he's a force to be reckoned with.

A force. Are you kidding? A for, I saw a special that looks like some Indonesian kid shot at the Comedy Cellar. Yeah. Comedy Central picked it up. They play it late night. I was rolling He went on a fucking tear

For 20 minutes about fat I was fucking dying Another guy that's a powerhouse of a comic That nobody talks about Well now he just got that Netflix Degenerates Degenerates Right so it's him

Him It's a good lineup Oh yeah Miss Pat Miss Pat Oh Donnell Rollins Adrian Who's funny I don't know how to say her last year

and just one more I can't think about it. Bobby is a fucking monster. Bobby is a fucking power house. I know. He's listening to me. People have no idea. That's why it kills me at this. Yeah, you got your Sebastian's, you got

your Bill Burrs, you got your Joe Rogans, you got your Dave Chappelle's. I can name you 10 other killers that you'll pay $10 for and go what the fuck was that? Bobby Kelly's one of those fucking tornadoes. This tour, the Creeks for Kids,

Florentine's been added for another savage. Bennington is so fucking good. Besides the tour, one of the best, one of the best radio hosts in the business. And me, who's semi-funny at times, and we're keeping the tour to like $25 a ticket to see four fucking headliners. So creeps with kids.com.

And if you want to see the best roast ever, go to vossroost.com. It's the best roast out there, vossroast.com. It was murderers row. Creepstwoodkids.com, Voseroast.com. If you want to quit getting high, you can do it. You can do it. Just whatever. You can do it.

You don't have to live that life. I'm not here to preach. I'm just saying you can live whatever life you want. you can live whatever life you want. I got off the Coke and everything. I still smoke my pot to let me know I'm that dirty person. Yeah, I could have told you that without pot, though. I got to be honest with you.

I went home before I did two bong hits. It really doesn't do nothing to me. I need it in the morning when I wake up with my coffee. I like a little bong hit just to let me know I'm normal. But besides that, like, it's the last teddy bear that I have. I already got rid of the pacifier. I got rid of everything. Well, I'm not, listen, you put a crap table in front of me.

Forget it. Oh, really? Okay. Listen, I'm not, I'm, look, I'm not getting high. Okay, but I'm not fucking, listen, I play lottery. Numbers go through my head every day. You know, I'm playing fucking numbers. Whatever stayed on.

It's a transfer addiction for you also. Me too. You know. What's deal with CBD? You're doing any CDD? No, no, I won't fuck around that. No, it doesn't have THC in it. Like, there's stuff that you can just, okay.

But I heard. Because I know you're very concerned about your health. Yeah, I don't fuck. with that. I heard there's someone told me they just did a study. I don't know. I just look I'm in physical every day I wake up in some kind of physical pain but what the fuck you know if I take something then in a month that ain't going to work I'm going to have to double it in two months I ain't going to work next year you know I'm melting down time and all and shooting them you know what I mean so I just got to deal with shit I got to work out I go to cry out and I drink tart cherry juice

What the fuck is that? You go to GNC and buy tart cherry juice. Yeah. It reduces inflammation, takes away some pain. I'm 56 and, you know, sometimes I go to Jitza and I'm like, why should I be sore for three days? Because you're 56 cock suck and you're way 300 pounds. That's why.

That's why you're fucking sore. You know, I lift heavy twice a week. I go really heavy, like squats and pull-ups and fucking benching, all the compound shit for over 50. This is the shit that keeps you strong on stage. but bro the next day I can't walk I go to acupuncture every other week

I double it up I should try that from I love it back I go to acupuncture every other week and then every other week the opposite week I go for a $40 massage I took him one time it was kind of creepy

it was fun it felt good but I didn't expect to go to massage put gym shorts on and meet me downstairs put gym shorts over here right over here $40 for an hour I'm fucking I'm 62

Okay, I go to the gym Four or five times a week You lift or you just do step Bonnie said you know No, I was doing a lot of steps Just some I took it easy hands I walked yesterday I played golf I walked six miles

Up and down hills My legs were cramping like fucking And you have the ticker and everything She says On my phone I got to step things on my phone I'll lift You know I'll punch the bag at home

I got a bag in my basement I'll punch the bag You know I'll try to eat okay I don't, you know, I'll try. I don't, but I wake up, you know, I got back pains and shit and whatever. It's just get, oh yeah, here's the thing. When I was, I said this on before the pie.

Like, when I look back, I saw Elton John in 1977. He was at the Garden with Kiki D. They were on tour. Don't go breaking my head. Yeah. And I was probably on Kwayludes, acid, at least three or four, whatever the fuck. I was thrown in my system. I saw him on the farewell tour.

I was on Tylenol and anxiety medicine. What the fuck age does to you? Like I told Rogan last night, I go, I live on Cuban coffee and the leave. That's what keeps me together. I told Lee, Lee goes, where are you going? I got to go home and take a shit. I went home and had a triple expresso.

Took a tremendous shit and took a shot of tart cherry juice. So I'm due for another shit at 8 o'clock. That just comes, and then an apple. before you go to bed that just slides out in the morning. Oh, really? A little lizard out of a hole, you know what I'm saying? I have the pictures to prove it.

I love you, brother. I love you. Thank you for having me, man. Any dates you want to promote where are you at this week? Just creeps with kids.com. Okay. Voss Roast.com. If you want to see a great roast, I'm telling you.

Oh, please. It's a fucking tremendous. I told your wife. It was tremendous. And you and your wife have a podcast. Oh, yeah. My wife hates me. Yeah.

She looked good last night, your wife. She's a savage. He's getting older looking better. I don't see it. All right. Thank you for having me. Thank you very much. I'm glad that we got to hook up and do this, man.

Thank you very much, man. Listen, don't forget. Next week, Friday at 13th, I'm in Dallas. There's like eight tickets left. And then the next day, the 14th, I'm in San Antonio and the Aztec at the Aztec Theta. I don't know what's left. And then on the 27th of September,

I'm at the Chicago Theater. All right, I want to thank Rich Voss. I want to thank the Christ, But most importantly, I want to thank you fucking savages for always listening. Listen, that's it. It's Labor Day, bitches. It is Labor Day. It's official.

You got fucking whatever, three and a half months to get your fucking life together. We're down now. We're ready to attack. We're in attack mode. So it's over. Whatever the fuck you were thinking, it's over with the thinking. Now you've got to put it into full effect. But anyway, who gives the fuck about that?

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you get your dicks, you get your little monkey eating. And it's the start of the fall. We're going straight through the fucking Christmas Eve. You understand me? I don't give a fuck what you're thinking. Listen, have a great week. We'll see you Wednesday morning. Stay black. Take this motherfucking meal league. I as a kite by then I miss the earth so much I miss my wife it's lonely I raise your kid as cold as hair and there's no one there's my job