The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #717 - The 30 year anniversary of the #2nd worst mistake Joey Diaz ever made

Episode Date: September 9, 2019

Joey Diaz talks about the difference between small mistakes and mistakes that change your life forever. Today is the 30 year anniversary of one of the biggest mistakes in his life. Joey talks about what lead up to making that decision, when he knew he made a mistake, and how that mistake still shapes how he lives his life today.  This podcast is brought to you by:  MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. Express VPN - Get 3 months free when you buy a one year package. Go to www.expressvpn.com/church to learn more and protect your privacy.  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

Greetings from Podcastville, you bad motherfuckers. It's a whole new week with a whole new set of rules. Labor Day is done, and the fucking endline is coming. Christmas, do you want to be broke? Anyway, who gives the fuck about all that shit? The church is brought to you by, my bookie. Listen, if you found a yardstick on the street, would you pick it up or would you keep walking? Come on, you can't be that much of a fucking moron.

Of course, you take the money. So why do you keep picking winners and not betting them? That's why I go to my bookie. It's fast, it's easy, and they pay when you win. Listen, what we're doing is this. Over at my bookie, they're going to double your first deposit now. Today, Monday the night, not fucking Tuesday to 10th, not Wednesday, 11. Today, we got action tonight.

You use promo code church to get 100% bonus on your initial deposit of up to $1,000. Are you fucking nuts? $1,000 fucking dollars. You put down a thousand, they give you a fucking thousand. Visit my bookie.ag. That's my bookie.orgie. That's my bookie.org. Grab a pen.

I'll go slow. M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E dot. Don't embarrass me. A-G. And don't forget to use a promo code church when creating your account to claim your bonus. All right? Listen, with my bookie, you play, you win.

You get paid. Check the Instagram on Thursday. That's my Instagram. Matt Playvers world will be talking about picks and I'll teach you how to make your fucking bets. All right. You'll be saying Uncle Joey's my bookie. The church is also brought to you by ExpressVPN. Internet privacy is dead. You know that and I know that. There's times you're going to get a plane ticket and you're going to click your fucking credit card and they already got it. They already got it. They got yours, your uncles, your mothers, they got everybody. That's why I use ExpressVPN. ExpressVPN runs in the background of your computer or phone and then you use the internet like you would normally would. You download the app, click to connect and voila, you're fucking protected. It shields your identity, no location tracking, and it's totally anonymous. You follow what I'm saying to you? So take your internet privacy back today, not tomorrow, not manana, today, and find out how you can get three months free at expressvpn.com slash church,

C-H-U-R-C-H. That's expressvpn.com slash church for three months free when you buy the year package. Visit expressvpn.com slash church to learn more and take back your privacy. Church is also brought to you by CBD. Lion, listen to me. When it comes to CBD products, CBD Lion is the best.

How do I know? Go to CBDLion.com and look at the third-party lab results and order it. And after you take it for 30 days, you'll be sending me fucking emails on Twitter and Facebook saying, Joey, I'm walking around like the sound of fucking music. I feel great. Yeah, fucking CBDLine.

Go to CBDLion.com right now and press in church and get 20% off your first order. It's fucking Monday morning. We're playing for fucking keeps. Take this motherfucking mulee. The beautiful, beautiful, beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. I don't know what the fuck you're thinking. Or whatever it is, it's going to change after today.

Squarespace to open up a Monday morning. Whip that bitch. What? It's Monday, you bad motherfuckers. Thank you for being here on the church. Today is myself in the Christ. killer. I want to thank you guys for support in the last couple

weeks. We've had some heavy duty guests with some heavy duty messages and I always like when a guest has a message for you guys that you guys take something away whether it was Rich Ross or Eliza James or fucking Matt Schultz, whatever is

Andrew. Andrew Schultz, my favorite new fucking little man from New York. When I want to talk to you guys about today, a mistakes. You know, when you make a mistake like I own it the wrong shoes you know you make a right turn and you're fucking uh you you know you get back on that's a fucking mistake you know today is 9-919 this is a really weird date to me 9-989 was the day I got married 30 fucking years ago today today so for the last week

I have really been thinking about this, like where I was as a human being then and where I was as a human being today, because now I could gauge it through that marriage and what my thought process was. And it's so weird that that was the second biggest mistake of my life. She was a great girl, and we weren't supposed to be married. I dated her for four years before we got married, and it was just the whole four years, like the whole four years. Like the whole four years. I was trying to prepare this podcast and write a little bit last night. I was just thinking about it was just a great.

I mean, we were together for four years and we lived in five different states in four years. So, like, did you think, like, a year in, like, yeah, we're having fun, but I won't marry her. I was 22 years old. No? Okay. I wasn't even thinking about fucking marriage. I was 22 years old. When you're 22 years old, you shouldn't be thinking about marriage.

You're having fun with a girl. You're going away from weekends Everybody works everybody's got energy to do shit You're basically fucking you're in love you're young nobody's talking about marriage You know somebody talks about it you shut it down And I was too busy I was doing drugs I was doing crimes She was just my Bonnie and Clyde whatever we were just a Bonnie and Clyde team And I was with her for a long time and the reason why I want to talk about this is important because

when you marry somebody, it's a fucking big, big, big, big, big decision. You know, I was speaking to a friend of mine two weeks ago, a very dear, dear friend. I've known him since grammar school. And it was one of the saddest calls I ever had because he told me he's 60 years old and he's alone. He doesn't know what he did on this planet to be alone. he had been married five times he got married two times

in one year he married one chick in it lasted six months the last chick she married are you ready for this one I mean I love him to daily and he's family and stuff but I had a laugh she told him that she was going home to visit her father they got married

and they were together like two weeks and she told him she was going home to visit her father and then he got a divorce thing in the mail. You know, he's... So now you're 60 and you're alone. You know what? Nobody wants to die alone. When you're 20, you're like,

I don't give a fuck. I don't need no bitch. I don't need no man. I'll die like Charles Bronson in the bunker. Listen, nobody wants to die alone, man. And it's so weird that I say, started, before I started dating this girl, I had been on a, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I had been celibate for eight months and without a girlfriend for a year.

Like, I was on a really bad cold streak in my life. I was getting my life together. Well, part of that year, I was four months. I was homeless. So it's tough to get pussy when you're homeless, you know what I'm saying? But it was one of those years. I was just having a bad year and it was funny. I hadn't touched a woman for like eight months.

And in three days, I was in three women when I got the bolder. Whoa. Like it was that fast. I met a girl on the plane. The next day I went to get an apartment, I met a girl on the hill. I ended up fooling around with. And then I met some other girl, and we dated for like two nights. And I never saw her again.

She lived on the other side of town. It was like when you don't need it, it's, It's there. It was just a weird time in my life. So I was just enjoying Boulder. I was just living Boulder. But back to the case here. When I met her, you know, we just dated.

Then I went, we almost broke up right before I went to prison. I got locked up November 18th when I got charged. That was the day I kidnapped that dude. Like November 5th, she had a hair thing. She was cutting hair. and she had like a competition and she wanted me to go and I didn't go.

I just didn't want to go. It was like a mile away. It was like an hour away and I didn't want to go. And that really hurt her feelings and that left us in limbo. We were in limbo for about two weeks and I had seen her once or twice

but the relationship wasn't on good terms and all of a sudden I got arrested. So all of a sudden she stayed loyal and she stuck it out with me. You know, we worked together on getting all the paperwork done and everything that was due. And, you know, she helped me get my GED. She drove me to this place.

I mean, it was just crazy after the... So that made this a little tighter, you know, and then I got sentenced. And she didn't turn her back on me then. And while it's funny because while I was in prison, you know, for four years, I was with her every day. and then I get locked up and now I'm not with her and I gotta be honest with you it wasn't like I was missing her during a week

and when she'd come to see me on Sundays I was more concerned with what she brought me than seeing her like it was just really weird so I thought when I got out that we would to be honest here, to be strictly honest here, because I was such a loser.

My mental phase is when I got out, I'd fuck up, and we'd break up. Like, I didn't want to break up with her, especially after she was so nice to me and stuck it out with me in prison and stuff. But I knew that the electricity wasn't there. Like, it's not like I was writing her love letters every fucking day from prison. I wrote her a letter from time to time,

and I'm being as honest as I can't hear. But we were too... And this has happened to a lot of the people listening to this podcast. At this point, you're too far involved. And something inside of you doesn't want to say stop. Like, hey, stop. We shouldn't be together.

But it was weird. While I was in prison, she would come on Mondays, and I would tell not to wear underwear and shit like that. And we would have sex. We would eat something. And between you and me, guys, I couldn't wait for her to get up and leave. That's not good.

No, and it was fucking with me. I just thought it was maybe something I was going through because I was locked up. And then boom, I get out. And again, she's my world and we're hanging out. And she was a beautiful girl, guys. And she had a great family who adopted me as part of their family. And they really came through for me when the fucking,

when I got locked up, that's when they really showed their true colors. I mean, I always had my doubts that they even, light me when i got locked up the mother and dad bent over backwards for me so in my mind i had a debt to pay them and the debt was to come out of prison and be a fucking good guy like their dad my ex-wife's dad and mom for that case were good fucking white people out of buffalo i mean solid fucking polish people out of buffalo solid i mean i think about them There's not a week that goes by I don't think about him or her

in some way. They had become my parents. I was really tight with her and after I got locked up, after the first time I went to county, it was her father who bailed me out. It was my girlfriend's father who bailed me out and then we

became tight. We became my father and son. I would go up there every Saturday and cut firewood with him and we fucking bail hay and fucking and shovel snow and kill snakes. You know, this was endless. Before I got locked up, I was very tight with him.

So now I went to prison. He's sitting there with me in prison. When I was looking to get out, the judge was going to, community corrections had ruled me out. They voted not to have me in community corrections. What that means is they didn't want me to be like Jeffrey Epstein. They didn't want me to go to work every day, like have a work release program.

He fucking wrote a letter and paid my attorney to do a special hearing to go in front of the community corrections board to accept me into a halfway house. I mean, so these are all the little things they did for me. So in the back of my mind, I was indebted to their family in a big way. And I had to pay that debt. So I put my head down. I got out of prison. I got a good job. And listen, man.

it's not like I was robbing or kidnapping all that shit was behind me but the only thing I was still fighting with my demons who were the drugs and everybody knew that like she knew it I don't think the parents knew it the parents had known of my drug use but didn't know my drug use

at the time she knew about my drug use and we you know sometimes we think it's gonna get better you go buy a car and you walk in and you go, I want the car to be baby powder blue. And the guy goes, I don't have it in blue. I have it in fucking canary yellow.

And you're like, well, I really don't like that color. But the guy says to you, what if I lowered the price $600? Would you like the color better? And you're like, yeah, you lowered it for $600, I would. And you take the car. You take the car, you drive the car, you're happy with the car, but at the end of the day, it's not the car you wanted. Yeah, you save 600 and, you know, you want out to dinner with three and you put three in the bank,

but it's not really the car you wanted. That's, I want you to think about that. It's not the car you wanted. We do this in life sometimes. We go along with something. It's not really what I wanted, but let me go along with it. You know, when you serve an apprenticeship, nobody wants to serve a fucking apprenticeship.

Nobody wants to do four fucking years digging wires and shit to fucking, for eight bucks an hour to get bit by spiders and snakes and shit like that. But you know, at the end of the four years, you're going to have a career. You know? That's why if you get into one of those careers,

you want to make sure you love all this shit. But what I'm trying to say is this, that I was, indebted to their family. So when I got out, I tried my hardest. The only problem I had was my addiction. I thought that in time, like buying a car and saving $600,

I thought that in time I would get used to the car. You know what I'm saying? And we all do that. We all do this at one point in our lives, and we learn a valuable lesson. I didn't do it with a car. I did it with a human being. What bothers me the most about this 30 years

and looking back was that I did something that I didn't want to do that I was raised not to do, which is to tell people what you feel, and if you don't want to do something, don't do it. You know, I got caught in the fog that I, if I would have sat her down like a man and so listen, I love you, but I'm not. not crazy gaga over you.

Like I'm not, I don't know. It was, I think it was too soon after my mom's death. Something was not right for my feelings towards her. Well, I don't necessarily believe in soulmates, but I think there's some things that it just worked with someone. It could be like a job, like the same thing with a car. Everyone's taken jobs or gone to the same school. A school you don't really want to go to.

All that shit. We all do those things. We all do those type of things. but they involve us. Like I'm a firm believer and listen, I don't mind walking down a dark alley but I'm not taking you with me. I don't want you to do it to me

so I don't do it to people. Yeah, me picking a wrong car, that's on me for later. Me putting somebody through what I did was not the right case. So instead of me sitting her down and I didn't,

I didn't, how the fuck do you know when you're in love totally in love with somebody you really don't I don't know it's like when you first meet somebody that first year you're walking on clouds

you're whistling you know and then you get into an argument I don't fucking know I don't know if we were used to each other I don't know because I lived with her for a while that we had already felt through a married couple I knew I loved her but I didn't know So I'm in a halfway house.

It's 89. We're seeing each other, you know, every other day. We're going to, you know, in between the halfway house. Because I had, excuse me, I had time to leave the halfway house and come home every day. You know, I had hours throughout the day. So I'd meet her in certain times. Sometimes we had sex. Sometimes we just had lunch.

And one day we were by a mother's house and went for a hike. And I gave her stabbing. in the mountains. You know, we were just walking around. It was a nice day in April or something. I just gave her a stab. And a month later, she came back to me, told me she was pregnant.

And I got to tell you, here I was out of prison, you know, really didn't have it together by no means. I knew how to make money. I knew how to make, you know, $60,000 a year, $70,000 a year. That's what I was capable of making. But I didn't know how to make money.

anything else about life. I knew nothing else. When she told me she had the baby, I could honestly tell you guys that at one point at all, at not even one point I think of aborting the baby or anything. I'm from the old school. You know, she told me she was pregnant. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said that she would feel better if we got married. So it was like something that I didn't have a time to think about. It's funny. We have a running joke, Lee and I, that I bust his balls. So every couple weeks I go, I'm showing the woman I'm going to, I love my town, you know. There was one night Lee and I were having a discussion about something.

And I'm like, Lee, where the fuck are you? And he's like, I'm in Boston with Paul. And I'm showing the girl I love that I'm possibly going to marry my hometown. And I'm like, this poor bastard. And until this day, I bust his balls about it because he, he's, He doesn't know how close he came to being me. And whether he understands or not that I was busting his balls when you said that to me that,

this is possibly the girl I'm going to marry. I remember having that knot in my stomach like I did when I got married. Because you don't know about this knot till you get married. It's a terrible knot. And we all know about the knot when we're doing something. we don't really want to do. You know, it was the same not. Well, I mean, and I get what you're saying,

that it's not nice to bring her along, but you guys were both young, and I, like, I didn't realize that I wasn't supposed to marry Paula until after we broke up. Like, looking back at you, like, yeah. No, but here's the funny thing. The guys like you and I believe society.

Yeah. Okay. This is why I wanted to do this podcast. Because I wanted to tell you that society, I wanted to tell you all the wrongs of society. You know, the little unwritten rules of society that are meant to be broken. They're not solid in paper.

They're not. These are unwritten rules that we believe that I've broken, that I know for a fact you could break them, you know. You were young when you met Paula. You had just been out of a relationship for a year. I mean, there's so many different situations that go into a relationship when you see them. You know, when I fuck,

when she told me I had to marry her. Like, she didn't tell me I had to marry her that we should get married. I went along with it. I went and got the rings of her. We shut up the thing. And for three months, I worked, sold drugs, and I did everything I could

to make a dime. everything I could to make a dollar. I sold Eclipse cars, Mitsubishi Eclipse's at sticker price. I was selling tons of blow at the halfway house. I was loan shark and money at the halfway house. I was doing a thousand things because I didn't even know what a husband was. Do you know what a husband was? How could you?

You're 25. I didn't know what a husband was. No, but that's not no excuse. See, that's the excuse we always tell ourselves with 25. We're 18, were 19. There's tons of 19-year-olds that made it work. There's a ton of girls that I went to high school with that are still with the guys they date in high school.

Are they happy? They're together. Because that's the thing, because you hear all those, it's like 50% divorce. And my parents didn't have a good marriage. It's like, I see people my age or younger getting married. I'm like, why? I feel like maybe if you waited longer and learned what you actually wanted, marriages would last longer.

Well, this is what we're getting to here is that I married her. And I mean, guys, I got to tell you something. That whole summer, I was excited. I couldn't wait for September 9th to come. Like, Jesus Christ, my parents orphaned, my fucking... I dropped out of high school. I mean, I failed everywhere else, basically. Fuck, I got this right.

I went to prison, I got out. She's got a great family. She's a great girl. Fuck, I hit a home run. Now all I got to do is cover a certain nut every month, and I can basically do whatever I want. I got a chick that does laundry for me and somebody to suck your dick.

And, you know, when you're 25, and you're an animal like me, that's what you're thinking about. I'm not going to sit here and pamper it up for anybody to make you feel good. That's what we think of, young men. We got somebody to do laundry and somebody to cook for us, and, you know, now we could still run our game. Oh, I'm still going to go to Vegas and Lee on a weekend to drink. Really? You can't do that shit when you get married, you know. But I, the whole summer, I was all sight of the wedding. I had a best man.

I had a fucking, uh, I had, some of my friends were coming out from Jersey. We rented this fucking courtyard, marry it. And it was on. It was fucking on.

I was still in the halfway house, guys. I'm in a fucking halfway house. And I had to get a judge because I got released from the halfway house maybe a week before I got married. So they, uh, since, then they wanted to look at my

this is some crazy shit they wanted to look at my guest list from the wedding so they made me hire a Boulder police officer this is crazy shit because I was still under community corrections and there was going to be alcohol being served there was some crazy shit at my wedding

so you weren't allowed to drink at your wedding no but I still snorted coke nobody really knew towards the end I still was snorting coke my friend showed up and we got married at this place called Sacred Heart in Boulder and the priest's name was Father Tom. I loved this motherfucker.

And, you know, I did the marriage classes. I did the whole fucking thing, Lee. I mean, I was all in. Number two, you've got to remember my other thought of process. At the end of the day, guys, no matter what the fuck I tell you, I'm Catholic. And marriage is a fucking sacrament. So I had skipped over confirmation, right? I had done baptism, my first communion, and I don't know what else.

That's it. I still had seven more to go. The last tour, you get buried in the anointing of the sick, but marriage is up there somewhere. So I took the classes. I mean, guys, I was all in. I thought I was all in. And wedding day came. We got to the church.

My best man showed up. He was up for two days before he got there. He had Coke rings around his nose, so they wouldn't let him stand. The priest came up to me because the priest's father Tom was a drug counselor up in San Francisco, and he knew what people on drugs looked like, so he pulled me aside. He said, this guy can't stand in. He's got rings around his nose, Joey. So I go, okay.

So I had my best friend, Georgie, who I still talk about in the podcast, All-Star Frames in Cliffside Park. I had him Stand in for Mike Runny And I got wet Married and stuff But I don't know If you guys follow college football

What was Saturday's Biggest college football game Was Nebraska Colorado At Colorado Let me tell you something When Nebraska plays Colorado Colorado, the whole state shuts down

But Boulder Really shuts down shuts down. When they play in Boulder, the city completely run down. If you put a mask on like the hamburger and a jacket and get a gun with a bag, you

could rob every business because nobody gives a fuck. The cops don't even react. When the Colorado Buffaloes are playing, Colorado is a big time football state and it's a cow, cop, cow, it's a

cowboy. It's a football. It's a football city I got married if you look at the camp today's September 9th who played on September 7 Nebraska Colorado at Colorado. Wow.

So I got married on the day of the Colorado Nebraska wedding unbeknownst to me I never even thought about it when you get married on the day nobody's paying attention even the priest wasn't paying attention he just read off a cue card what's the score you know what I'm saying

Like nobody gives a fuck. So I didn't know. So we get back to the courtyard, Marriott. My friends are coked up to the gills. They're fucking doing bumps. There's a little lounge, and they kept telling the guy at the lounge. Where's the TV? And the guy's like, we got no TV.

And they're like, how the fuck don't you have a TV in the lounge? Here's my girlfriend's family. Her family came in from Buffalo. They're all nice white Polish people. They ain't bothered nobody. Here's my friends out of their mind. having an argument with the hotel staff about no fucking TV at the bar.

So one of my buddies said, fuck this. He sent one of the fucking guys, Bellman, to a hardware store, McDuckins, McGuckins, McGuckins. He sent them to a hardware store and bowed the name McGuckins, where he got an extension cord, and my other buddy paid for a hotel room.

They took the TV out of the hotel room and put it on the table at the wedding. And while we were dancing, half the people were circled around the table watching the football game. At the divorce, my wife brought that issue up. That's how hot my wife got about my friends. I don't blame her. So my wife, but by her getting hot at that wedding, it kind of pissed me off a little bit that day. I don't know why.

Like for her to like, and I get it, it's your biggest day. And I don't know about, but she knew when she was marrying. She knew that I was a savage. And she knew she hadn't met half my friends already. She knew they were savages. Here's where it went. Here's where it gets fucking weird. So I marry her.

I say yes. We're at the reception guys. We're having a great time. The food is great. You know, family's great. And we were going to go to San Francisco. Now, I was on probation. They told me, they looked at my face Friday, and said,

when you get back on Tuesday, what time do you get back? And I was like, I think I get back if I get two. They want you. They said to me right out the bat. And they got a judge to sign the order. They were like, we want you to go home, unpack, and be in our office by five to submit a urine sample.

Whoa. And I said, that's going to be no problem. If I got high on Friday night, I would have been fine. Oh, is that fast with Coke? Yeah, 72 hours at that time. So that Friday, my bachelor party was basically me, George, and my brother-in-law, Joe, and we got like two eight balls and four cases of beer,

and we just sat in my living room and got high watching MTV videos. That was my bats a party. There was no girls. There was no strippers. Nobody got jizzling their teeth. It's nothing like that. It was just three guys. We just sat there all night and talked.

And then at one time, George left, and my brother-in-law told me he was happy that we did not print abortion, that that meant a lot to him, and blah, blah. So I was really happy. And now came the day of the wedding. I had to keep it under control, but at about 6 o'clock,

I did my first line, you know, just to join in. I wasn't allowed to drink at my wedding, but I snuck a couple of glasses of shit. campaign just to get a little alcohol on me. And then we, the plan was to take like the seven o'clock flight out of Denver, Stapleton and go to San Francisco. And then Sunday we're going to go to the Yankees against the Oakland A's with Konseco

and that whole team. And then Monday night, we're going to go to Monday night football. It was a giant against the San Francisco 49ers for the season opener. Okay. So, and this is Lawrence Taylor, Joe Montana. This is tremendous. So on the plane, we get on the fucking plane, the 7 o'clock plane to San Francisco, and it's not too full. It's kind of on the empty side.

So we sit in the back. She had, what do you call those stockings with the? Nylums? No, the ones that girls wear that look sexy. Oh, there's another word for Nileland. I know you're not talking about panty hose. Panty hose with the fucking clips. the whole weapons and the whole.

Oh, like, garter thing? She had a guarded belt on, and she was beautiful. My ex-wife was a beautiful girl. And right there on the plane, dogs, we started fucking on the plane. Jesus. Like an aisle, like 18. There was nobody around us. And I just bent through over doggy style on the aisle, and we just started fucking.

And then she got on top of me, and we started fucking. Oh, yeah. Who were the plaintiffs? They were minding their own business. They used up. This is like the late flight out. I think we 69ed a little bit on the flight. We did it all, me and her.

She had to be, let me see. She was four months pregnant. Oh, my God. And we were doing everything. She didn't do blow. She didn't know about my drug use. See, I was lying to her already. Like, she did not know anything.

What the fuck, we're kidding? She knew because she was doing coke with me for four years. She knew that I would get pale and my neck would start fucking rumbling around and shit so after we finished having sex on the plane she made a comment and if I tell you this guys you're not going to believe this but right there I knew the marriage was over wow like as I was sitting there looking at her I started realizing the mistake I had made like one minute we were having sex and now we were sitting she was sitting by the window and I was in the aisle seat We had the middle one open.

And it just gave us like we had that last 45 minutes to reflect on what we had done. And it wasn't pretty. Do you think she was feeling the same way? Looking back, I don't know. But I think, you know, we both weren't. I saw her after we broke up and stuff. And, you know, for four years I made her life hell. but I could tell she was a little happier

she had she was more secure who she was with me there was no security blanket I'm the type of guy that I could leave it 2 o'clock I'm not go get arrested for something you won't see me for 10 years right that was my life you know

but I knew at that moment that marriage wasn't going to work on that point and then to add to put the what do they say were you underlined the word. To emphasize? You know, to emphasize what I did. We drove to the hotel. I rented a 240

ZX, the Nissan. That's what they gave me. Her it's. We drove to the hotel. We checked in. Like I said, she was four months pregnant. So this was a long day for her. She checked out. She said, I'm going to sleep. I went into the other room, sat there for

10 minutes, and I was like, fuck this. And I went, and I went to the shitty district of San Francisco by the tenderloin. And there was a bar where a friend of mine hung on that that I knew from five years earlier, four years earlier, his name was Bamboosie. I went over there and I picked up an eight ball from him. And I went back to the fucking car

into the garage at the hotel. I must have bought a 12-pack. And I just drank and snorted the whole eight-ball. That's because Lee, it was midnight. And anybody who's listening to this knows. I did three. That was how high my tolerance was in 1990. I did an eight ball from 12 o'clock at night to 6 in the morning.

And I was just drinking beers pissing outside the car. There was no cameras downstairs. I must have pissed 20 times. I pretty much finished the eighth ball. I must have jerked off three times in the car. I got on the elevator. I went in. I took my clothes off.

I laid down. And as I laid down, she goes, how did you sleep? She didn't even know I was gone. Fuck. I told I didn't sleep good because I sleep one more hour. I took one hour of sleep

and then we had to get up and go to Oakland to watch the fucking Christmas afternoon game. Fuck. My point being that I fucking knew, like on my honeymoon.

That was my fucking honeymoon. You know, I pretty much went to do a fucking eight ball. How long, because you said that was your honeymoon, how long did you stay married? I stayed married. I mean, I got back from the honeymoon in September, September, whatever, we got back.

The ninth, we must have got back the 12th. And we were separated 11 months later. Let me see. No, we were separated. We got separated in 91. because the baby was born in 90. So just over a year? So 18 months.

So we pretty much lasted, the marriage lasted two years until we called it. And here's the sad thing. That once we got home, it was like we got right back to our shitty fucking lives. Her life, she was a struggling hairdresser. She was striving to get customers and shit like that. and I was just a fucking junkie trying to find something to make money with it.

I had no problems making money, but the unhappiness of what I had done. And once the baby was born, I was really unhappy. Like, I was unhappy with myself. I wasn't unhappy with the child. I was not unhappy. I really loved that child with all my heart. I just didn't like our home. I could, you could tell there was no love in that home.

You know, I had never lived, well, when my mom died, I lived in homes. You know, I lived with the Benders who had a great home and there was a lot of love. I lived with the Runnies who weren't as financially off as well as the Benders, but there was still a lot of love in the home, you know. You could tell when there's no love in a home and it's a horrible home and it's a horrible home. and it's a horrible, horrible feeling to be involved in a home where there's no love. You know it's going to bust any day.

And I think with us, like when we got back, we realized what we're going to do, but we kept playing out to see if this would change. If having the kid would change it? Something would change, you know. And I got to be honest with you. I got frustrated by life. I was listening to Ozzy's bone yard, D.I.D.

There's a guy, Billy something, who interviews Ozzy every once in a while. And they were talking about jobs and how many jobs Ozzy had had. And he talked about working for a butcher and this and that and this. And it's weird how he made a statement that I don't want anybody who's listening to get offended by this statement. But it's a feeling you get. And if you're an artist right now or there's something that you want to know, this is the feeling that will hit you first. The first knack comes to your mind is, is this it?

One morning, one day when you get home and you kiss your kids and you hugged them and you look at your wife and your wife tells you, uh, dinner will be ready in five minutes, hon, and you take off your construction boots and you take off your socks and you stretch out your feet a little bit, you take off your sweaty shirt, you look at your fucking hands. At one point,

every man asked himself, is this it? Is this as good as my life is going to get? This is it. I'm going to work six days a week. I'm going to have one day off, and this is what I'm going to do. Every man at one point has to.

Every human being, Has to that. I mean, if you have a living fucking anything in your mind, you have to ask yourself a question. Is this it? I go to work five days a week. I give my wife money on Friday, all my money for these three fucking retarded kids I get had with her. She's getting fattered by the fucking day. My boss sucks. My foreman's busting my balls. I'm behind on my credit card. I owe my parents too. $2,000, you know, just you put all the problems of the world that you're going to have anyway, but you ask yourself, is this it? Is this as good as I going to get? And two things happen from there. You put your head down and you go, this is it. Or you pick your head up and you go, how can I make my life more enjoyable to live? When I die, I want to be on that deathbed going, Jesus Christ, this ride was worth it. I don't want to be on a death bag going, wow, I was cool.

I fucking was in prison for 40 of my 60 years. I knew I didn't want that, you know. But I know that me living with her in the situation, I could speak for her also. If my ex-wife was sitting across from me, she'd tell you too, she was just as unhappy as I was. There's nothing worth than having a home. that doesn't have love in it and then being unhappy.

I was as unhappy as she was. If, bro, I'm going to tell you something right now. And you motherfuckers know how I feel about Scientology. I can't stand those motherfuckers. When I see them with their little blue shirts, the little pens in their pockets on Hollywood Boulevard, I want to take the pen and stab them in the neck like John Wick. I was so weak at that point that the Scientologist could have got me.

Wow. I was so emotionally weak That that's when you join cults That's when you join Pablo's church of Escobarism on the corner and some guy comes in a Cadillac And he pulls up with three hoes All of them got diamonds on meanwhile you're fucking working at McDonald's And you're giving them half your stipend

Every week you know what I'm saying That's when those people coming to your life At your weakest like I was emotionally That week because I didn't have an answer for my unhappiness. I did not have an answer for my unhappiness. I keep thinking about your friend that you brought up at the beginning who has been married five times.

Like, do you think, like, him looking at you, like, he'd be like, oh, I would never have gotten divorced. Like, he's just looking for, he's looking the same thing that you're talking about, but he's just doing it by marrying the first woman who talks to him. Listen. any education when you last night

the Boston two nights ago Saturday night or I don't know whatever the Boston Red Sox lost to the Yankees 5-0 1 at home

I think it was Saturday night somebody on the Boston Red Sox learned something from that loss learned something They said okay I'm not going to throw the ball

this way from now on Jesus I should have thrown the ball to first every time you lose, you learn. You're making me holler lately. You're making me hollily a young night because Lee calls me on the way back from his gigs. And he tells me his experiences.

And I laugh because these are the experiences that you get. The other night, he was having a good son. He said he said something to the waitress and that the set went to kapits. He said he went up to a show at the year night and it was an outdoor show. You know, this is a good set. why I say to you that you have to do this journey. This journey is so important because you live

and you learn from a journey. When that unhappiness I had with that woman, and it wasn't, listen, I could sit here and tell you she made me unhappy. No, no, no, no, no. I was unhappy with myself. This is going back to frustration because I knew I wasn't doing the right things. And then I was unhappy in my marriage my home my home wasn't happy i wasn't happy at all nothing was right the only thing i had lingering in my mind was that stand-up shit i had that stand-up shit as an ace in the whole like maybe that could save me but it's not going to save me stand-up isn't going to save me stand-up isn't going to do anything for me stand-up is just going to be something i try and do for a year and then i quit like everything else i've quit in my life that's what i'm going to do

that's the same shit I'm going to do all the time. Stand-up was just something, but I was looking for so much. Like, I just needed something to fill this fucking void in my heart. Here I had, and here's the funny thing. I had a job. Was I getting, was I getting rich?

Not really, but I was keeping the lights on, and they were paying me a lot more when I was qualified. I'll tell you that much. I'm honest enough to tell you that. They were paying me a ton more. and I was qualified. So I took it.

I did the best job I could. I worked hard and everybody else, and I shut my mouth. I had a car. I mean, I had a home. I had a beautiful wife. I had a daughter. I don't know how long it went.

I didn't even touch her. What do you mean? We didn't have sex like the last year before we separate. Wow. It was to that point. We were just sleeping together. We were just two roommates that had a baby. Lesbians have more action.

we were having you know i mean it was that uncomfortable and i saw the movie punchline and i fucking got on stage on whatever july 18th and when i got off stage i knew this is what i wanted to do and to the grace for god three months later she found the fucking because i didn't have even though I was unhappy and frustrated. I didn't have the courage of the balls to tell I wanted to get a divorce. I didn't tell her. And the reasons were, there were two reasons. Number one, I was a loser.

I couldn't imagine living through this life without somebody to fall back on. I couldn't imagine. I could not imagine. I didn't have the self-confidence. I had the confidence. Who the fuck am I kidding? I just had fear to fall back on myself. You know, it's really weird when a woman leaves a man and she has a kid and, you know, she makes a statement and she does it.

She fucking gets two jobs and she raises those daughters or those sons and everybody's happy and they become, they get this certain freedom. You know, I was fucking scared to, to, to, to. to go pull the trigger. Because I had her father to lose. I had the mother to lose. I would have lost my daughter. I would have lost all the security that I had. Because that's what I looked at them as as fucking security.

I didn't look at them as, you know, and don't get me wrong. Till today, Mr. King, Ray King, rest of soul, he was, I learned a lot from him. Go ahead. How much of it or maybe not at all, all because you didn't have your mom and your dad wasn't there and he said you had a great relationship with her family how much were you just like like wanting a family at that point

they fit the they filled the void for a long time i mean i would just walk in there i could go up there without her and hang with their parents and i would i would get mad at the other brothers and sisters not spending as much time with their family as they could i mean they just a lot of things that I was scared to break off the relationship. You know, when I came home that October 15th, and she said she wanted to talk to me in the kitchen and tell me that, you know, she didn't want to date me, you know, she didn't want to separation.

I was very sad because of my daughter, but at the same time, I was very happy because I would have never pulled the plug. I mean, don't get me wrong. I wanted to do comedy. I wasn't in love with her. I was in love with her, but it was just like a forceful love. It was like I was in love with her from a debt.

You know, I owed her a debt. That's the only reason why I was in love with her. So that was the second time in my life. I did something against what I wanted to do. I learned the hard way. This was not just a mistake. This was something that stuck with me forever. You know, I was raised.

Listen, you have those guys like, hey, man, what are we doing tonight? They're like, ah, we're going to go over to Johnny's place. But before we go to Johnny's place, we're going to go over to Piccolissimo because that fucking moron works then. He'll give us a few drinks for free. I'm the type of guy if I don't like that moron. I'm not going over there. I get free drinks. I don't care if he gives you free drinks.

If you don't like them, don't hang out with them. You don't have to deal with them at no level. There's so many people that walk around, especially in Hollywood, they're just your friend because it makes them look good. They don't really like you. They don't care about who you are. They don't care about your family. They don't care about nothing like that. I wasn't raised.

If I don't like you, we don't like each other. You go your way and I'll go the other way. We don't even have to fucking talk. It's understood. But no. You know, when my mother died, I loved the Balzanos. I loved the Balzanos. I loved the Garcinos.

I loved everybody I hung out with John Bender asked me to move him with him. Hey, I loved John like a brother, but I didn't love John enough that I want to hang out with him every day. Do you know what I'm saying? What? So when I moved in with him, I thought he wanted me to hang out with him every day. I didn't want to hang out with nobody.

I had my buddies and I had not with them that I did stuff with. That was a big mistake, me moving in with John. Because, yeah, three-quarters of me was using him in a way. Three-quarters of me was used, and don't get me wrong, I loved his father, Jimmy Bend, the senior. God rest of the soul, I loved his brothers, I loved his sister. I just, John, I love John like a brother. I just did not want to hang out with him.

And because of my behavior and whatever, that added to it. But that was a big mistake. And the second big mistake that I made, and I learned from the most, was getting married when I wasn't head over heels. Because thinking about it now, today, 30 years later, I was not head over heels. Let me tell you something.

I've been with my wife now. This July will be 20 years. and I could look you all in the face and tell you one thing. I'm not perfect, but I'm in love with my wife. I love my wife, and I loved it before she had that kid. When I realized how much I loved my wife, I called her on the phone and proposed to her while she was at work, and we got married six weeks later.

You know, I knew what love was. From knowing what not loving somebody was, Because it took me nine years to propose to my wife. Wow. Nine years. Because, one, I was so pissed off at the sacrament of marriage that we got married and I fucked it up. I'm the type of guy that once I do one thing one time that said I fuck it up, I don't want to be involved with it no more. So I got married.

I fucked it up and I never wanted to get married again because I didn't want to ruin somebody's time. I didn't want to fucking... My wife now is a sweetheart. We're complete opposite. You guys have seen her on the previous podcast. I've had her on twice.

If you see her and I standing together, you will walk up and go, what are you doing with this lunatic? You don't belong with this guy. We mixed, and I truly... was in love with her. It took me eight. It took me four years to realize I was in love with her. It took me seven or eight to realize how much in love with her I was. I proposed to her, and now I'm very, very much in love. Do you follow me? Do not get me wrong. I'm not the perfect

husband you know like we've said before on the podcast if I see a flying blow job flying around the end he just comes down and bites me in the dick I'm not gonna turn it down I'm not I'm not the fucking poster boy for whatever I'm a good husband I provide I love it very much I'm home with them fucking 80% of the time my wife knows where I am every fucking minute of the day I mean I live in my own personal fucking prison and between meetings the kickboxing school the gym cryo the weed store here i'm only in a couple fucking places i don't do much but having that failure made me a better husband today but i gotta tell you something i didn't like that failure that was

one of the failures i didn't like i don't mind the prison thing the prison thing wasn't a failure that was a flaw in my personality and i had just them i never went back to prison again those are complete different things i consider my first marriage, a failure. I got an F. You ever get an F in school? An F minus, that's the lowest thing you could get. You understand? I got an F minus.

That's why I learned that if I ever did it again, I'd get an A plus. And today as a husband, I don't get an A plus. I get an A. All right, like before I didn't take the garbage out. I was supposed to take the garbage out, but I really had one handle of a duffel bag, and I was carrying something else. something for you that I forgot to give you a box of a meal keto food oh nice a new kettlebell food they gave us sent us food to sample so I want to give you that but anyway back to the

story that the failure I had as a husband the first time made me a like now I look at all the little things all the little things of marriage that I focus on that even consider focusing on the first time If you're going to get married and you're young, just do me a big favor. Do yourself a worksheet. Write it out. And for you women of the listening,

you're going, oh, Joey's putting a fucking, a fucking, what's that? A snake in my coil. Somebody's putting a fucking snag in my nail. No, I'm not. I'm talking to you, too. You don't want to marry the wrong fucking guy. You don't want to marry somebody because they have money

or they're good looking or their parents own a company or, you know, their mother is so sweet. Look to the main purpose of this marriage. And that's do you love this person? To spend the rest of your life with them and to look them in the face every fucking day. Don't say to yourself, oh, I'll learn to love her.

You know, I remember when Lee first Paula moved in, a couple months went by, you guys were happy, I didn't say none to you, and then one that I said something to you, and you gave me a little, like, nine-minute speech about the things you didn't like, but you were tolerating. Yeah, it's true.

And I told you go there and nab it. Just tell her, no more. You know, we laughed about it, you know, what she doing here and all that stuff with the mother but i was being serious with you because it was such when you marry somebody get that shit out of the way early if they put their feet on your furniture you don't like it tell them right off the bed i don't like that freedom on your front you know there were all little things that i already knew that lee it wasn't going to work for lee before lee moved her in i told lee it wasn't going to work from because lee likes his space but i'm i'm

I'm glad I did it because what if we got married without her without us living together? I think it's important to like really test things out. Well, no, no, no. You have to, I think before you marry somebody, I got no qualms at that. I got no qualms at that. What if you date somebody for four years

and then you marry them? Then you find that one. They should. It smells like a giant in there. You got to open up every window and light matches. You got to walk around the house like you're looking for Frankenstein with one of those torches. with no no no no I'm you know but at the time you didn't need for the movement I can just tell

you you would just not going to adjust right that I looked at you and I had seen that no offense even though you're Jewish you never said well to save money I want a roommate situation right most people in this town would say I want a roommate situation you never even thought a room a roommate situation you were like if I can pay the full big I'll fucking pay it just not to have somebody in my space. That lets me know something about you. That lets me know that your space is really fucking important to you. And guess what?

Why I know is because when I got married, I knew how important that space was to me. You're not ready to get married unless you could share that space. Yeah. It's so fucking weird. It's a big adjustment. It's a big fucking space to shoot. I start getting mad about the way she would put stuff in cabinets.

It's crazy. It's crazy. Marriage is a crazy thing. If you've been married and you fail, hey, you learn something out of it. Don't get turned off by it. Don't say, I'm never getting married again. It's all about the state.

It's just a piece of paper. Fuck that. It's not. It's a lifestyle. And it could be beautiful. The problem is you got to put the work into it. You got to put the work into it. The only difference between my marriage now,

you want a hundred percent difference. Listen, when I first had Jacqueline, I loved that little girl. Anybody who knows anything about me knows I love women, how I feel about that. I love that little girl. Me and the mother did not see eye to eye from that kid being six months old.

I knew when that child was six months old, I had to figure out what I was going to do. because I didn't like the mother anymore. And today, look at where I am today. So today, where are we? 30 years to the anniversary. I paid for this mistake. I paid for this mistake dearly.

This was not like making a right turn and ending off and fucking vet eyes. This was a mistake that followed me for 30 years. It was such a bad mistake. Hey, I chalk it up to experience. I chalked up to one of the things. as you do in life and I choke it up to just the person who I was then 30 fucking years ago today right now well Monday god knows what the fuck I was I was probably headed over to the reception

and I was such a different person such a different person but till this day I'm paying for that mistake I would not want any of you guys to go through what I went through with this mistake. So before women, guys, before you think of getting married, even though you have a great time. Oh, we have a great time.

We went away. We went to... Pismo Beach. Pismo Beach. Yeah, fuck you. Pismo Beach. I still like Pismo. Yeah, right. See how much you go now.

Every other week you're there. Who goes on vacations by yourself? Yeah, I know. No, you might as well. Because every time you've gone with somebody else, it's been a fucking disaster. You must have What vacation?

It's a beach An hour and a half away. What vacation? Pismos an hour and a half away. It's not a vacation. Don't they have an open mic in Pismo? I thought they had the best pizza in Pizmo. He went all the way to Pizmo

to get the worst pizza in the fucking world and sit in the room. Call them up. See if they'll do an open mic since you fucking did the pizza. But listen, man, just for today, if you're not in love with something, don't fucking do it.

And I know it's tough. I know you're saying, Joey, what the fuck are you talking about? Listen, if you're not totally in fucking love, don't do it. And if you think you're, you've been in love, you've been dating somebody, and you break up and after two weeks, you're like, this isn't that bad. I don't even, I didn't even like her that much. I just liked the way she sucked my dick or, you know, for women. Oh, I just liked them because his family had money, and I'm,

would have been financially secure. Listen, financial security, blow jobs, jobs, houses, nothing beats happiness. I'd rather be unhappy. I'd rather live in a shithole with somebody I love

than live in a mansion with somebody I don't want to be around. Because whether you have a shack, a one-bedroom shack, or you have a 14-bedroom man, The most important thing is for it to feel like a home and for it to be happy What good is having all that shit that's why when I see people having weddings with pigeons People dressing them white I could call the days on that divorce

Because there's too much pomp there's too much circumstances too much smoke and mirrors I want to you know This isn't about smoking mirrors our home you know when a home is right And I know a lot of you motherfuckers I spoke on the same Tarotiana. I spoke to a lot of people. And even Lee, when your house was good, it was good. When it was a home, it was home.

Somewhere along the line, your father's straight off the reservation. Your mother was unhappy. Your mother was more of a mom. And your dad was John Travolta in Saturday Night Live. He was doing disco and shit. People break up for certain fucking reasons.

I don't think your dad looks at as a mistake. You know, had two beautiful boys from it, whatever. Whatever. Right, no, no, like there's always a, I mean, there's always positives to it. There's always a fucking silver club. Just from my point of view as a kid is like, because I hear that a lot. Oh, let's stay together for the kids.

To me, I had wished my parents got divorced 10 years before they did. You could feel it. Oh, it was a word. There's a lot of anxiety in the house. You can, it never, like, holidays start being bad because like there's going to be a fire. Like it's, it, I get, I get the thought process behind stay together for the kids, but I don't. Yeah. I don't think so.

No, I'm happy I didn't do it either. Till this day, listen, I lost a child and I failed as a father. But, listen, when I went for it, I went for it. And here we are today. And I go to my house and we fucking laugh. I could stay at night. And without being high, me and my daughter and my wife are giggling. And you can't put a price on that.

And that's what this podcast is about today. Listen, if you're going to get into a relationship, a serious relationship, don't marry that person, especially men. I hear it all the time from guys. I had to marry her. She was a piece of ass.

And then two years later, you're in fucking court. Listen, marry somebody because you love them. Marry somebody because you make you feel complete. Marry somebody because you're on a team. I dated Terry for three years, four years. Listen, I was 40-something years old. I was a mediocre comic. I was a regular.

I opened up for Rogan. I really had nothing going on. You know, I was booking some movies. And you know what, man? I was taking Terry for granted, like we all do. We all take people in our lives for granted sometimes. And when I was shooting the longest yard, We went from Santa Fe, New Mexico to here,

and there had to be at Redondo College every morning at 4.45. Or 5.45. I don't know. I got there when I wanted to because they would put tattoos on you and the shoulder pads and all that shit. But I still remember one particular morning that I got up. And my football pants, my T-shirt, my socks, my sneakers were all laid out on the couch.

And my wife today, was in the kitchen making me breakfast, and it had to be four in the morning. And she had to be at work at eight, you know? And I remember looking at it going, this is what I've been looking for all my life. Like, this is, she's doing this. I don't have money.

I don't have anything to offer. And she's doing this. And that's when I started falling in love with my wife. Like, that's when I started realizing the love was there. You know, I, I, and then I started working at it. I started cleaning up my act. I stopped going to certain places just because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But then the last thing came up, and I realized that she was a sweet girl, and I didn't want her, you know, her finding.

I knew that it wouldn't last with me doing coke. I didn't want her to, I was very embarrassed about my drug used around her. I hid it from her as much as she could, but after four years, five years, she knew. was out and one of the reasons why I quit Coke was because I didn't want her to find me on the fucking floor. Let me tell you something. If you think I didn't

give a fuck what my ex-wife did. Like if she fucking found me, I didn't give a fuck. More power to her. More power to her she found me dead and it ruined her life. I didn't give a fuck about it. I didn't think about it like that. When I started thinking about my wife, Terry, like this, these are

all the things that made me call her up. Even though I was against marriage 150% and I was never gonna do it again. I was never gonna fucking do it again. I did it. I did it and I did it the right way from day one. And not because I'm better than you guys

and not because I'm smarter than you guys. It's not because I read a book on marriage. It's because I failed at a marriage and I knew what it would take to make a marriage work. So this podcast today Is dedicated to fucking marriages Before you get fucking married

And get married just to have the wedding in Long Island And Van Halen's gonna play in your wedding And all that dumb shit Remember there's more to a marriage Than the fucking wedding There's being with that person For the rest of your fucking life The wedding is dick

Compared to being with that person The rest of your fucking life So before you make that decision, keep your eyes open because you don't want it to be what I did. My first marriage has wanted me until today, 30 fucking years later. 30 years later, and it's going to haunt me on the 40th anniversary and on the 50th anniversary. And yeah, it taught me to be a better man,

but at the same time, it reminds me the mistake that I made. So by me making this mistake, I wish you, You guys don't make the same mistake. And that's it, motherfuckers. It's Monday morning. I want you to go out there, write your fucking goals, and put a knife to these motherfuckers, and tell them it belongs to you.

You want it back. It's that fucking simple. Before we get the fuck out of here, let me read you some dates. I'm going to be in Dallas Friday. I think there's 13 tickets left. San Antonio sold out. Chicago, September 27th at the Chicago Theater.

Tickets are moving. So you better get on it. Don't contact me. Are you going to add a second show? Doubt it. It's a big fucking theater. But when it goes, it goes. And then I got Kansas City on the 11th,

and we just added a new show in Denver on the 12th, the second show at the Paramount Theater. And that's all that's happening. Let's read to a word from our sponsors. First off, everybody's selling CBD fluid these days. Everywhere. You go to liquor stores, gas stations. Listen, I got the answer.

It's CBDline.com. It's that easy. How do I know? Because I lived it. I was a client before we started doing business together. I reached out to them because I enjoyed their products. Listen, they got the shatter, they got the vape pens. They got all the, every other way.

They got the gummy bears, strawberry, orange and raspberry. They'll fucking rock your world. They got the tincture. That's what I live off. 5,000 milligrams every night. before I go to bed. Napy Nunu, bitches. Put your, close your eyes and get ready

to sleep like a motherfucker. Listen, CBD Lion has third-party lab results up on their website. Go to CBDLion.com. Order the tension. Try the gummy bears. Try the shatter. Try the vapid. Whatever the fuck you want to, however you want to ingest your CBD,

CBD Lion has it for you. So go to CBDLion.com right now and press in church at the checkout and get 20% off your order. Who does that for you? Nobody, bitches. The church is also brought to you by. ExpressVPN.

Listen, I don't know if you know this, or if you haven't noticed, internet privacy is fucking dead. Lee comes to me once a week that somebody stole his, somebody used his credit card in France, somebody used something here. It's dead.

And you don't know when you're going to get swiped. You don't know if it's at the gas station. online. You don't know where it's going to go, but it's going to go somewhere. It's going to go wrong. With ExpressVPN, this is not going to happen. I'll tell you why. This is why I use ExpressVPN. It runs in the background of your computer or phone, and you can use the internet just like you normally would. Nothing. You download the app, click the connect, and voila, you're protected. Now, this shields your identity. It gives you no location tracking, and it's totally Totally anonymous.

Now you're sitting there going, Joey, how do I get this? You're going to download the Express VPN app on your computer or phone. Push one button and you're protected. It's less than $7 a month and it comes with a 30-day money back guarantee. Now, take your internet privacy back today, today, the night of September. Take it back today and find out how you can get three months at ExpressVPN.com slash church. I'm going to give you three months free.

That's what I'm going to give you. Three months free when you go to ExpressVPN.com slash church. Grab a pen. That's Express. E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N. dot com slash church for three months when you buy the one-year package. Visit ExpressVPN.com slash church

to learn more and take back your privacy. ExpressVPN. Go there right now and check this out. It's going to really help you out with your internet privacy. You're going to be happy. And oh, I know you're listening,

and what's tonight, baby? It's Monday night football. Listen, I know this weekend you fucked up. Yeah, I like the Chiefs. I like the Titans. I like the Vikings. I like the Eagles. But, bitch, you didn't bet them.

So what fucking good is it? Shut the fuck up. If you're not going to bet, I went five for five in my head. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Let me ask you something. If you find a hundred dollars on the street, would you pick it up or would you keep walking like a fucking moot that you are?

Of course you take the fucking money. So why do you keep picking winners and not betting with these motherfuckers? Tell me why. Are you a fucking pussy? You said you went five for five. Let's go. That's why I go to my bookie. It's fast.

It's easy. And they pay when you win. Let's face it, where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on. If you're trying to bet on the NFL, baseball, MMA, whatever, my bookie's got it. Listen, I won't be telling you guys to bet with them if they weren't the best. Do the smart thing. If you're going to bet football this season, bet with my bookie, whether it's college football, pro football, basketball when it comes down the corner.

Baseball, it's my bookie. Do you know you can bet on a game after kickoff? Did you know that? If by the second half it looks like your bet is going to lose, you can always take the other side. If you're that kind of guy who likes to bet a little and win a lot, you got to try a parlay. If all your picks come through, you multiply your winnings.

And no matter who you bet, the NFL season, is the best time of the year to bet, okay? So what I'm going to do is this. I'm going to double your deposit today. Now, right now, right now, before Monday, football, use promo code church to get you a hundred percent bonus on your initial deposit of up to $1,000. Who the fuck takes care of you like your uncle Joey?

Nobody! So visit my bookie.ag today. That's my bookie. Dot ag. And don't forget to use the promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H when creating your account to claim your bonus. Listen, my bookie is simple. You win.

I'm sorry. You play. You win. You get fucking paid. And don't forget to go to my flavors world. Every Thursday, I'll be dropping a little video with my bookie to help you make picks, teach you how to make bets, shit like that. You'll be saying Uncle Joey's my bookie.

So don't forget my Matt Flavors world on Thursday. And that's it and that's that. We'll see you, motherfuckers, Thursday morning. Tip-top McGoo. Ready to fucking go. I hope you learned something today. I hope you don't make the same mistakes I made. That's why I talk about these subjects from time to time.

Have a great fucking week. Enjoy yourself. See your Thursday morning ready to go. And if not, I'll see you Friday night in Dallas or Saturday night in San Antonio, get ready to rock. Or I'll see you in Chicago at the theater, September 27th. That's it and that's that. Lee Syatt, kick this motherfucker mule.

I want to be around to... Pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I A somebody who Will swear to be true As you used to do with me

Who leave you to learn to learn that misery loves company wait and see I mean I want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart two bits Let's see if a puzzle fits So fine And that's when I'll discover That revenge is sweet As I sit there applauding When somebody breaks your heart

Like you