The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #718 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

Eleanor Kerrigan, a stand up comedian seen on Showtime and heard as the cohost of "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Vincero Watches - Get yours at Vincerowatches.com/church and our listeners get 15% off and worldwide FREE shipping when you use promo code CHURCH.   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble.   Dollar Shave Club - Get the ultimate starter set with everything you need for an amazing shower, shave, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth for just $5. Go to www.dollarshaveclub.com/church  

It's Thursday the 12th of September. Thank God we got through with yesterday. You know what I'm saying? Nobody wants to fucking forget yesterday. I never did. But anyway, the church is here, motherfuckers. And the sponsors today are Vincereo watches. What time is it?

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That's my bookie.orgie. Today. And don't forget to use promo code church when creating your account to claim the bonus. And remember, tomorrow I'm on Instagram. And the church is also brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. I've been a dollar-shape club member for years. We had them years ago, and I still fucking love them. Every month, I got a box in the mail with the essentials.

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Church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Always family. We got Eleanor Martinez, a.k.a. Elmar Carigan, aka Tic Tac Titties. I love it. We got the Christ Killer. One child grows up to be.

Somebody they just loves to learn. You got your Uncle Joey. Another child grows up to be. Somebody you just love to burn her. I'm love. You see it's in the blood. Both kids. It's a family of

Blood is thicker than the mud, motherfuckers Only sly stone could drop shit like that It's fucking Thursday morning How are you, Eleanor Kenigan? I'm so good to be here. I love it. Thank you, Joe Deals.

I got bangs instead of Botox. You're feeling it? I see that. I wanted to get you on. I miss you. I always see, you know, we're always crossing ships in the night. I know, I love it.

And thank you so much for sending people out to West Nyack. I greatly appreciate that. That's a great club. It's a great club. A lot of people walked up and they were like, we've heard you on the church.

Joey Diaz did not disappoint. And I was like, oh, that's awesome. That's a great club when it attracts the wild side of New York still. It's like an odd. It doesn't attract the Manhattan crowd. Right. The Brooklyn crowd, the Bronx. There's the Bronx.

A lot of Irish from the Bronx. Yeah. A lot of filth. A lot of fucking northern New Jersey. Yeah, filthy motherfuckers that down to get down. They hit people with bottles. Fuck, yeah. I love the fucking food in Nyack, the pizza joint,

and the Chinese restaurant that delivers right to the hotel with egg rolls. They got a barbecue joint that don't fuck around me and fucking Matt Fultron. Full charge. Tore that fucking weekend up. So I'm happy it worked out for you. And it was Labor Day weekend, which is usually a new God's weekend. And, you know. We did decent numbers, man.

You know, it's crazy that some people just don't want to go to a fucking other barbecue. You know, they want to go on the air conditioning and watch some comedy and laugh. Go in the mall. And especially now. So I usually don't take that weekend. Most people don't. They had a fallout. That's how I got it.

It's an uphill fucking battle. But when I heard you got it, I'm like, it's an uphill battle, but that's a good area to have an uphill battle. That's right. There's a lot of people that just go, fuck it. What am I going to do? Watch a Yankee game. Let me go to watch some. comedy? Why bother with that? What else is going on? I was just about to shit on the Yankees.

No. What is the fucking thing with Bill Burr coming on? Not until January. Jesus, that long? I know. It takes forever. How did you feel about the shooting? The shooting was phenomenal. If it comes out as good as it felt, I'll be thrilled. How did you feel? I felt great. How many minutes? I did about eight, but I think they're going to shave it to like six. I'm not sure. Totally prepared. I When I saw you, how close was that to you shooting at the Sycamore? I probably did so many times. I don't know. I probably did it a thousand times.

Yeah, it was great. It literally felt like I, like if I do that joke, the bit that I used just on there, because it's like a little chunk of a piece, you know, if I start to say it in my act, I get angry. I'm like, don't ever say that again. No. That's how many times you did it. You're like, it's dead.

It's out there. Get rid of it. It's, but I love it. And I'm glad because it's not dirty. I mean, it's edgy, but, you know, I'm still edgy. It's just not dirty. So I can use it on every platform. You can use it.

You know, when clubs call, they're like, hey, do you have a piece? I'm like, yeah, here. Oh, this is kind of dirty. Yeah, well, all right. If you could cut that. You know what I mean? Like sometimes you just can't run commercial ads or commercial for clubs that you're coming up doing.

Like, I'm doing Harvey's this weekend. and Harvey's they ran my showtime thing with Dice. They're like, we don't care. We just beep it. You know, because there's a couple curses in there. That's what people think is dirty, which is funny to me. Because I'm like... Did they think Harvey's is pretty basically a clean club?

Oh, no. He used to, but... Clean comedy club? Well, he saw my shit. Is that why he put me as rated art, which is hilarious? Yes. He literally, it says rated art. I'm like, Jesus, I'm not taking my pants.

I worked at Harvey's in 95 and 96. I think it was different owners, but yeah. And then in 97, Stan Hope put Harvey together, the guy. It wasn't his Harvey, his name, whatever the guy's name. Is it new owners? I think, yeah. Okay. That's what somebody told me.

Okay, so he put them together. So what the fuck's the big deal? do one dirty show once a year. Yeah. Just one. Okay, you believe in clean comedy? So do I. But just one.

So it was okay. So he would book either me and Stanhope together. Yeah. And then the year I canceled, I got a movie or something. It was Stanhope and the crazy kid from Seattle. And I mean like, waitresses' heads were blowing up.

You know, for New Year's. Am I going to get arrested? What am I? No, no, no, because it's new owners and Portland's expanded a lot. You know, helium's down the corner now. Somebody wrote that. Why can't you do helium? I'm like, you call them.

Helium is very competitive. You know, when helium came into town, you know, Harvey's was making a live. Listen, there's a couple different styles of comedy club. And once you identify with who you are in that comedy club as a comedy club owner, you dictate the market. there's comedy clubs that they want Joe Rogan and Dave Chappelle. Yeah. And, you know, Lisa Lampinelli and Sebastian and Joey Diaz. And they'll pay the Vig.

Yeah. They'll pay the Vig. You know, they'll pay it. Jane Lano, they'll pay it. They want the best top-notch entertainment. The stand is doing it with Dice in New York in a couple weeks. And then we're doing. Then you have clubs that I respected a lot because they made me.

who I am today. Yeah. That the club owner has a rule. And the rule is, I don't give a fuck if you've been on Lennel. I don't give a fuck how many Netflix specials you have. I don't give a fuck have you been on HBO. I don't give a fuck of your mother blue, Haiti people. It's 1750 with no plane ticket.

That's hilarious. And most comics go, no. And then there's a handful of comics. That will say, yes. Nobody knows who they are. They're local comics. They're phenomenal comics. They're great comics.

They have a reason why they haven't expanded. Maybe they have a school teaching job. Maybe they have a day job. Just anything. And these guys will travel Thursday, Friday, Saturday. They're great comics with no credits. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah.

They still put the time in. They still did the open mic. They still did the open mic somewhere. the line they decided that California was not in their future New York was not their they want to raise their children they want to raise their children and these guys become top-notch comics and there's a home for them you know in Houston it used to be the lap spot left okay it used to be the last stop was the big popular one the last stop was for the older comics the Kippa Dada's rest

in peace oh the guys that had the hey day yeah and now their show got taken off TV and because of social media, they lost their core audience. So these clubs specialize and they're phenomenal clubs. You just work with guys that don't want nothing to do with LA or came to L.A. And failed miserably and they're miserable. That's a bad experience. But at least you'll go home. If that ever happens to me, I'll never act this way.

Yeah. You know. But those clubs are great clubs. Yeah, some of the best. I'll give you the best one in the, I'll give you the home. And he reached out to me a couple weeks ago, the home that had that for me was the comic stripping El Paso. Oh, I've heard great things about that. I've featured.

He had a club. When I first met him, Bart Reed had a club on the side of town that was popular. Okay. But he had a rule. It was $1,500-dollar comics. every once in a while he would bend for somebody and maybe do 70-30

maybe if they were a Spanish act Freddie Soto he did 80, 20 but besides that he don't want those guys he don't want to deal with that he didn't even want to open the door for that and guess what the formula worked for 20 years

he made tons of money people came And they watched and they learned and they became fans of you. And then Facebook and everything came along. Yeah. But there was a dark period there in comedy. Oh, my God. Once Sintel gets canceled, I don't know how to get a hold this Jerry no more.

It's not like Jerry's tweeting every day. What was he sending out pigeons across the country? I'm still alive. Game of Thrones, Jerry. So that's the difference that you have between then and now. You have a TV show now. You're pretty good on that show. You have a couple funny lines.

You go on the road while you're doing the show. Once that show ends, you still retain that audience through social media and Twitter. That's a difference between 20 years ago and now. You know, I see what's his name on Twitter a lot now? Who? The dad, the one that was in the store that's really dirty. But he played the dad. Bob Sagitt.

The dad? And I see how he's using social media. He's great on it. He's out there. He's out there. He's out there. He's always been dirty. He's always.

It's been hilarious, but to go back to the original idea, those rooms are the ones that, those are your bread and butter rooms. Yeah. The improvs aren't going to know, you know. There's a level of the impromes are like, you don't want. They're like, nobody's brought you in here with them.

Yeah. You're not, you didn't go to Montreal. You didn't do nothing. And you have to accept that. You have to go, that's fine. I'll work a little hard and I'll be in there next year. So for this year, I'll do the Looney bins. And there's a thousand of those clubs.

House of Comedy is one of my favorites. All of them. They're secondary clubs. Yeah. They know it. You know it. They're great clubs. They treat you better.

Excellent. They treat you better than the big clubs. Yeah. The big clubs take you for granted. The secondary clubs treat you like a king. They pick you up on Sunday and take you to breakfast and pick you up Sunday. They take it to your museum. Feel you up.

Yeah. Whatever you need. It's fucking great. So it's whatever you want to do with this career, you could do. People always go, I want to do comedy, but I want to do it. I don't want to do television or film. Fine. Then you don't move out here.

Yeah. Don't bother yourself. Because there's no reason to come out here. Yeah. If you're just going to come out here and do spots at the store, that might happen or might not have. It's definitely not going to happen. I'm going to say that it's not going to happen anymore.

It's so hard. I just had a friend showcase the other night for Adam, and he's like, he's terrific. He's great. Excellent. Where am I going to put him? I got 40,000 comics calling a week. Like,

were oversaturated. Oversaturated. Everywhere, but everybody, this is my problem with that. Now everybody wants to be part of the store. For years, we were the pieces of shit in the corner. I wasn't a stand-up then, but I would have to defend it on a regular basis.

Me too. And it was ridiculous. And now every one of those motherfuckers are, you know, I'm better than this guy. I should be in front of that girl. I should be there. Go fuck yourself. You weren't in it when we were grinding

and pushing that club along, keeping it up. You were coming every night. There was nobody in the audience. Joe Rogan, every night, nobody in that fucking audience. Just you guys honed your craft there. What made that? I heard it was the Tupac. I heard that. No. That after the Kenneson thing, the club started turning and went to the dark side.

After the Kenneson. After the Kennison died and that whole thing. That was 91 or two. Yes. So after Kenison died. I started at 93. Okay, so the rumor, this is what I... It's my fault.

He knew it. The rumor I heard was that the store got dark. It became a darker audience, so it scared away the white people. And this is the truth. No, no. I mean, look at now, listen, I'm not racist. How big of a difference is from having one show of what was it called? Fat Tuesday?

Tuesday. Well, yeah. So one room made money because that shows it kept us open for seven years. It's scared, but the original room would be dead. Yeah. Because in the white community, everybody knew not to go to the county store on Tuesday. No, you're absolutely right. And it was very sad. Yeah. Very sad. So all those people in LA to tell you, I'm not racist. I'm not right. Yes, you are. Let me and L.A. here to tell you. I would, I would be waiting tables in the L.R. There wouldn't be no belly room show on Tuesday? No. No, you couldn't give a belly room show Tuesday. Very rarely. You're right.

I'm thinking about it. No, no. I was telling Rogan and the African-American doorman and he opened up for Joe last week. Derek. Oh, Derek Poston. We were talking about three minutes and why Mitch he invented the three minutes you know, and all this shit.

Show who you are. All this shit, you know, how the system went and you didn't know why you were there. And I remember tons of comics going, what the fuck she's making me follow this guy every night yeah and she had a plan just shut your mouth and follow the plan hundreds of people disappeared because they didn't want to do her plan yep and i could have disappeared a thousand times but i was like nobody else will take me mity's vision but yes she would it she would take a shot she would take a shot she would take a shot with me she

loved oddballs she loved edge fucking laugh factory hated me and the improv barely barely put up of me but Richard Cooper was an alki and from time to time I buy him a drink and he'd give me like a Tuesday 1115 follow of David Waiards. Well sure because you were afraid to come to the store. I'm just kidding. It was the fucking Tuesday night that you know nobody and I was telling Derek I go Derek that's when you can see how racist L.A. was. So how racist everybody is though not just L.A. It didn't really like that night and to describe to Lee, Lee, there'd be 450 African Americans in the main room

and 500 of them standing outside. It was packed. And then they're like- Lee, what I tell you everywhere, brothers. So people would be driving from Iowa. You know, you got to assume. We're here visiting L.A. You're here visiting L.A.

They told us to come to the counties when they pull up in a jungle boogie. And they're like, what the fuck is this? I didn't know cool the gang was playing. This is the wrong place. These are the riots. And I'm talking about, I don't want to tell them that we had those bank robbers that hung out at the store.

Oh, my God. The black guys from St. Louis that used to give us money all the time and cell phones. Those black people were real black people. You get killed on there on Tuesday night. They make Corey hold shit behind the bar. You think I'm fucking gay in you. So like the words around to the audience that like don't go down on Tuesday nights? I think so because here's the thing, Fat Tuesday would be passed.

So big. And then the OR there'd be like maybe eight people. And one night I had this guy and I remembered his drink. He ordered a rare coffee drink that we had on the back of the menus that nobody read. And Mitty named them. There were W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy. And they were coffee drinks. But it was basically like a Mexican coffee and Irish coffee just named after famous comics.

So this guy got a Joey Brown. And I was like, oh, Joey Brown. Yeah, you're the Joey Brown. Because nobody says the name. So he goes, wow, you remember my drink. And he goes, you know what? forget the coffee we're going to get a bottle of champagne there was three of us and he goes you know it's really dead in here because there was nobody in the oar and by the way i was working the original room

and the main room that's how dead the o are like yeah that's just an afterthought the original room my main focus is the main room so i i bring him the champagne he goes it's really dead in here is there does it pick up what and i go well you know everybody's next door the main room he goes yeah that sounds more exciting can I go there and I go um I'm just gonna lay this out there it's a predominantly black show if you're if you're fine with that I mean they're hilarious they're some of the greatest comics in the world shows and and the comics were always mixed it wasn't always just whatever it was all everybody yeah they put me up yeah they put funny up is what they did yeah so I brought him over and I gave him Mitzie's little booth

in the main room and um he had the best time he tipped me a thousand dollars So Mitty called me the next day. By the way, I made $1,000, $1,37 that night. Thank you, that Tuesday. Because if that guy didn't come in, I would have made $37. Anyway, Mitty called me the next thing, Jesus Christ, what did you do for that? Because it was on a credit card. So I had to wait to get paid by the comedy store for it.

I go, well, you know, there was nobody in the original room and I just brought them all. What else did you do to hell? She didn't believe me. I go, miss, I swear to God, I remembered his drink. He came in like three other times. And I knew him because he tipped heavily and he said Joey Brown. But he had the best time in Fat Tuse. He was like, thank you so much.

He tipped the door girls. Because remember, Guy used to have the door girls. You know, I can't think of her name. Yes. Stunning. Yes. Stunning. That's right.

He had door girls. daughter that's right yeah ily's daughter i mean gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous girls like seeing you yeah so so you know everybody would calm down you know this beautiful girl one of my favorite things i saw on fat tuesday was they used to do the birthday dance do you remember that yes guy tory would do the birthday dance and they would go absolutely ballistic right so this guy comes up the girls were like yeah go they're in a long table in the back of the main room and they were like yeah go up at your birthday so the guy walks up he's with his girlfriend and a bunch of other people he's on stage and guys got like seven other people so they do this dance and another girl whose birthday it was starts

grinding on the guy that walked from the back and his girlfriend I was putting drinks down on their table and she was like oh this bitch and she was like bitch you bet a backup and the girl started grinding even harder on the guy this bitch from the back of the the main room she never touched the floor she got to that fucking stage joe i shit you not she went on every fucking table and beat the piss out of that girl on stage right during the show yeah everybody was in shock she never touched the floor she went on the tables from the back of the the back of the cry i could even help i had a tray of drinks and i just put it down laughing What was the fuck

What are you gonna do? I never saw anybody I was waiting for her to just take off her weave But she just went all intact And right to that girl Beat the shit out of her guy was in shock It was amazing I never really saw any violence or anything bad

But it was just a it took him a minute to break it up But it was just funny how she didn't Fucking touch the floor One night I was there And I was talking to Eddie Griffin and Mitzie Oh And they were telling me a story about Tupac. Okay.

He was a frequenter. Tupac was at the store to go see Eddie or to go to Fat Tuesday. Well, we used to have Monday nights too that Eddie used to run in. Every room was black on Monday night. Okay. Every room. Right. Original room.

So something happened. That was the early 90s. And there was a shootout. Yes. And they say if you look across the street. Yeah. It was an old Western style. I was waiting tables.

that night at across the street at the shut what's the hotel across the street uh it's the sky bar mandrian mandrian and house of blues was almost built it wasn't built yet still bullet holes yeah in the wall they were like a western the shootout western the shootout western the shootout started the original room but they went out the side door it was the main room actually no it was that's what i'm saying it was the main room but they went out the side door oh i see that goes right onto sunset yes yeah The front door. Yeah. And that's where the shootout,

because Mitchie and Eddie were telling me. It was insane. Eddie wasn't in the room. No. What happened was the next morning, Mitchie called Eddie and banned him. That's the story they were telling me. And Eddie goes,

what are you banned me for? Yeah, he didn't do anything. And she goes, because Tupac came in here, your friend and got into a shootout. He goes, well, now I'm responsible for Tupac get into a shootout. So it was to that degree, the store. Jesus. And I heard there was some gang-dictors.

for a while. We didn't do metal detectors. They were searching you something. We had security. Because I was, at that time, at 96, I started making visits to L.A. and showcasing. I go to a laugh factory for the Latino

Laugh Festival. Yeah. Came back in 96. And I still remember driving by there and seeing Richard Pryor. Yeah. Like his name was on the big circle. Yeah, remember?

And he came back in 2000. That's what he came back. Like 2001? 96 or something like that. In 1996, he would come in sporadically. Right, he was coming sporadically. In like 2001, 2002, he was doing every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, just to feel better about himself because he was really sick at that point.

But Chui used to carry him up on stage. Like, it was kind of sad, but it was awesome because he would kind of come to life, if that makes sense, while he was up on stage. And I remember watching this big black guy, dreadlocks in the front. He was right in front of Richard just watch him. And Richard's holding court, Wopi Goldberg, Chevy Chase, everybody's in there. And this guy just starts crying because he's realizing this guy's going to pat. Like, this is the end of days for the greatest comic to ever live through that man's eyes.

You know what I mean? And I was like putting drinks down like, like, why am I crying? What is this? A movie? I got to make money. All these years were you watching this? Unbelievable. It was comedy on your radio.

Never. Never. Yesterday we were talking about podcasting and the podcasting world and now... You guys sucked me in. This is vortex. This is bullshit. And how acting was such an acting schools was such a scam.

And my wife brought out, remember when Freddie and Eleanor signed up in school and they weren't allowed to audition for two years. Yeah. Freddie quit because of it. Yeah. What are you talking about? Sherry Shepard quit because of it.

Bob O'Sack, we were all in there. But it's really weird how you was stand-up ever on your radar. No. And like you're saying, watching the greats, even Eddie Griffin, like every night, when we had those Monday nights, that was the early 90s. That shootout was like 94, 95, 94 maybe, because they got rid of it right away. And that night of the shootout, we had locked everybody in the office. Mitty included. She was there. So we get everybody in the office, right? And I'm fresh out of South Philly. So I'm still half a hood rat. And, you know, I'm strapped. I'm a mess because I was thinking the riots. You know, I was dealing with like coming into, oh, they have riots, whatever. Just pay attention, keep your head up. So when that shootout happened, I'm like, holy shit, it's in the place I work. My mother's going to kill me. She told me to not do that, not come here. of this. And like South Philly's any better. Anyway, so we're in the office. Everybody's in.

I'm making sure everybody's there. And Mitzie looks at me. She's like, go out and get me a Kvassier. I'm like, what? They're shooting. She's like, just go get it. And she's shaking like a leaf. I'm like, all right, I'm going to come back with a fucking bullet in Kvaltzia. Like, I'm a nervous wreck. Like, look at it. But she's looking to me because I'm like the tough girl, whatever, from South Philly, but I still don't want to be in the middle of a shootout, bitch. So I remember looking under the cabinets for Kovassia because Mr. Pete locked everything. They were all, she didn't send the bartender out. She sent me out.

I'm like, bitch, I will fuck you up. But I got her little Kovassier all nervous, like looking behind me. And I brought, oh, he ain't. What was 95 like? That was Mncia, Rogan, Lauren. Yeah, Mncia. Yep, Martin was always there. Chris Rock.

Like in 93, I met Chris Rock, because, My first ex-fiance was his agent. Right. Yeah. So Billy, we were friends before we started dating, but he was always at the store, and he'd be like, hey, Chris is doing a show. I remember Chris, like, pulling out a sandwich board with his picture on it to put on the sidewalks so people would come in to the OR to see him.

Oh, 93? I'm not crazy. Chappelle, too. He was always there. But he was underage, and he was 20, 19 or 20, something like that. Not 93, he wasn't. Because in 93, the Robin Hood men in sight. He may be just turned 21, because you just used to sit on the patio and smoke weed until he was allowed on.

No shit. Yeah. He's only 44. Are you serious? He's 43 or 44. Yeah. I'm almost positive, right? 46.

46. Oh, look, I made him younger. So, in 93, he's 20? He was born and said, August of 73. So I just, I remember being like, I'm going to go in, but because the other underage people we had were Ari Spears and Janica Berger. Do you remember Janica?

No. She was in and out because they were both 19 and Aries went on stage and shit on her. And she waited for him. She was a little, she grew up in L.A. She was a little hood rat. She was funny. and she waited for him and when he got off

she fucking attacked him and they had a fist fight on the back of the stairs in the original room it was probably the best thing I've ever seen again I couldn't help

because I was laughing too hard sorry it's just funny when a white girl just attacks but they were the same age so Mitzie banned them both and they

neither one of Aries would do Fat Tuesday but he never did the OR again isn't that weird yeah I told Aries and he goes yeah they banned me

because I'm black. I'm like, why'd they ban Genica then? She's white. He goes, oh, she got banned? Like, he didn't know all those years. He just never came back. He just assumed.

Did she ever come back? No. And Jenica's huge. She works. She was on shameless the past couple years. She's an actress. She's been in a lot of shit. And she's also a producer.

I always want to get her on the Comedy Store podcast because she literally was there for like maybe eight months, maybe a year. But she was a funny stand-up. And she was just a young. girl. It's just a young girl, 19 years old. But Aries, too.

Ari's, you know, we know him. He stayed in the comedy game, obviously. But it's just like funny how, like, Janica, no one, you'd have to Google her to figure out who she is. Dave Chappelle's smoking pot on him. That was my favorite. Because he was the nicest guy. Mitzie really liked him.

Like, if he was in town, there was a few guys she loved that would come from New York that she would always automatically put on. Chappelle was one. Jeff Ross was one. until she liked Burr, she didn't it took her a long time to like Burr which is weird to me

because I'd be like this guy's great like you know what I mean like she would do that but I think the darkness started because her health was declining and she wasn't as involved the Monday nights went away

Fat Tuesday started up and that was one night a week but we were still not getting anything on Fridays and Saturdays remember the main room was only open but on Saturdays. When I first started, there was two shows in the main room, Friday, Saturday. In the OR there was three shows.

We used to do a seven, a 10, and a 12. Always. Every night? A Friday and Saturday. Okay. So we used to have to change our shirts in the middle of shifts. Like, very first started at 93. But then that went all the way down to one.

Then it went down to, and Terry will tell you that it's like, because when she came, it was really bad, unfortunately. we would have, we used to have like three girls in the original room, waiting tables. And then sometimes with prior, we would have four. But Mitzie only like three of us. Like she only trusted three of us. So she got rid of the fourth one. But, you know, it was just too clustered.

But then it went down to two. And then it went down to one. One person waiting in a whole room, waiting tables. That's how slow it was. So it was, you know, and we had some great nights, some bad nights. We had, like Rogan always. says nobody was in there and I'm like I he's right to an except as a from a comics point of view but as a waitress I would have been a homeless like I was

making money I obviously it was my only job in LA for 12 years you know we were talked that so I paid rent you know that night we also spoke about the change yeah but I think you guys are the change I got to be honest no no no Adam taking a getting rid of Tommy Adam taking over making those calls on like Spade and you know getting a little bit more of a comedy element versus this development thing that Mityy used to do and she would just pass people and forget and just keep putting them on the lineup because obviously her health was declining and she wasn't fully aware of what she was doing and the lineups we joke about how she we would hand it into her

like the comics would call in and she wouldn't get past the A's so the lineups would be Ahmed Ahmed, Aaron Cater, like she would just go down the first thing. Like she wouldn't flip through alphabetically all the comics. So we were like, shit, we have to write it different. You know what I mean? Like it happened a lot that the town coordinators, Duncan, when he was like, I gotta get out of here. This is crazy. So he quit and then, you know, we got Tommy got moved up and Tommy figured out how like just putting his favorites in front of her or whatever. And then, then getting rid of what he didn't like. So it was his fucked up power.

Then once they got rid of him, Adam taken over and putting on, you know, solid hard-hitting comics. And Eric Anderson also, the, he's the vice president of the comedy store, which hasn't been a title since Mike Becker

when it was really run in the 80s and not early 90s, you know? So Eric Anderson coming in really also, Clean some shit up and then you guys with the podcast. I got to be honest. Joe Rogan Joe Diaz you guys Mark Marin great Fitzsimmons and then just people hitting you know we had the Chelsea Peretti's leslie Jones you know all those great comics that were just kind of like not being recognized delia sebastian Whitney Whitney Eliza fortune fiendster like seriously and they were there Through this shit.

Through the shit. Yeah. Leslie was really there through the shit. Monday nights was a show when I first started. Yeah. And it was dead. Yeah. Monday nights.

Because we had open mic on Sundays. The first Monday I ever walked in there, there was six people in the audience. Don Barris was on stage. Eddie Griffin was there with Tumach, the black guy from the show Gunnar Holley. him that movie the karate movie about Eddie Griffin I have so many great memories and I was so impressed by seeing Eddie Griffin he was dating Erica Badoo for a while yeah because I loved him and at that time it was Mondays with Menza Morte yeah Tuesdays the original room was dead I think I got three spots at Fat Tuesday

and the last time I bond really hard and they were like that they were a tough audience and then Wednesday you had the original room Wednesdays was 30 people. Yeah, if. Thursdays was 60 to 80. Fridays was good and Saturdays was good. And then Sundays was the open mic and they were family night. Yeah.

It was like go home to eat spaghetti on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The shows, there wasn't a big audience, but you got to see everybody. You got to see people who didn't get spots during the week. Yeah, Sunday was always open night. a little bit so it was kind of a weird night but I always enjoyed it because the stars weren't there yeah it was fun so it was our night yeah you know what I knew some comics just throwing heat but what happened was oh yeah yeah you gotta go up there

so heat what happened was a lot of delusionals come out on the potluck night on the potluck night you had the crazy guy yeah that's my favorite crazy guys that Mitzie didn't really want around. So she passed them, but they don't get spots. They stunk and she decided I don't want them around, but she didn't have the balls to say.

Sure. So they would come up every night and get cocktails. There were 20 of them. There was one guy in particular, Michael something. He cried the blues every night. I know exactly who you're talking about. Michael Pace or something like that's something. When I was I know his name, I just don't want to say, because

he's still performs. What's the blonde bartender. What's the bartender from Boston? The manager from Boston that was really small and cute. She's on Facebook now. She was the manager and she was such a sweet girl. Oh, yes. Janet.

Janet. Janet Salvo. Yes. Everybody would attack her. And she was so little and frail. All those guys that weren't getting spots. And she would just be like, help me. You would torment her like, can you talk to Mitzi for us?

So then I got the job of hosting on Sundays. And at first I felt compassion for them. But after a few months, I realized why they were not getting spots. Because they were paying the fucking asses. And at that point, I would look at them and go, they would come to me and complain to me about Mitzie's not giving me spots. I don't know what to do.

Why are you getting spots? And I would have to fucking talk them off the ledge. I just, listen. If you're not getting fucking spots. Go somewhere else. Go somewhere else. But is that we don't want to go no else. I don't know what the fuck to tell you.

Yeah. So they got so annoying. It was like eight of them. And they get there on Sunday at 8 in the morning and sign up. So they knew they were going to be number one until I got there. So I would call down there at 5 and I'd go read me the list. Yeah. And they'd read me the list and I go, no.

That's not happening. Is Mitch are going to be down there tonight? Yes, she is. is that's not going to happen. And I get on the phone, I call Andrew. Andrew, are you busy? Yeah, what's up? How would you like to do an hour tonight?

What are you talking about? Come down to the store. I'll put you up at 10 o'clock show if you could do a fucking hour. Really? And he would go, I'll be there. And I would automate him. Yeah.

Mooney, Eddie, in the show. So I would look at their schedules, and I would see when they were home on Sundays. And I'd call them at 5. What are they doing tonight? Come bump these motherfuckers. I'm coming down to the store. Do me a favor.

Come at 10. Eddie, do the joke about the flying the tree with Ben Franklin and venting cocaine, but do it at the two-hour mark. So I would basically go up there. I would get my shit off. I would get my 10 off in front of Mitsy. Get your $25. Oh, I get my 10 off in front of Michigan.

And chill to cover my next week's earnings because you had to cover. I had to make sure I got spots next week. That's right. I had to get spots next week. So I got to blow up this. room. Yeah. So I would go up there, blow it up for eight minutes, and then Brigetti Griffin and all those poor guys would just be in the back, heartbroken. And they would come up to me and say, how long do you think he's going to do? And I tell

him, 10 minutes, sit around. And I'd go outside. And at the one hour mark, they would start the break. And I would always have a backup. Some of them would hang, though. Oh, they would hang. But then the thing would switch again. Yeah. And then I'd blame it on Mitzie. Yeah, always blame it on me. So I get the list, go inside. Or waste their names? Oh yeah, just start scratching names, putting this guy for number 89.

This guy, because I know Mitzie didn't want to see him. I moved this guy to 78. Do you think there's like a group of like 10 guys who just hate you from like the story? No. I could have been something. There's about 50 of them that hate me. No, they couldn't. If you didn't come, if you didn't get the hint, I was, I was trying to help you by not hurting

your feelings. I was trying to tell you that, listen, she just did the list. Yeah. Because when she walked in, she would look at that list and look at it and go yeah. Yeah. And she wouldn't say nothing. So that, like if Sergio Love was

first, she would have a heart attack. She didn't want Sergio Love up first. You know what I'm saying? There was just certain motherfuckers. She didn't want up first. Lucky Charms. Me Lucky Charms. I love Sergio. I love Sergio. Me too. I love

I'm just telling you the truth, guys. Because it was her thing. She did not want Sergio going up first, jumping up and down. She did not want. Motherfada. Come from Calcutta. Yeah. I love Sergio.

From Calcutta. Jigga, jiga, jiga. Yeah. It was fucking. And him and Lopez, what was it? Him and Sanchez went to war. Oh, yes. Because they were both doing the same joke.

No parking and my parking. And the whole fucking deal. Hilarious. This was going on for months. People killed. at each other in the parking lot. And you're just trying to regulate the thing so you don't get fired.

You're like, go in the parking lot and kill each other. But those eight guys, they were. I felt bad for them. They were great comics. But it was time to move on from the store. One thing I appreciated about Adam, I was there the night when the guy that played the harmonica.

Charlie Fletcher. I was there. Yeah, and my heart fell on my knees. And I went home, and I wasn't upset. I just thought about, I said a prayer for him, and I thought about when that would be my day. When the talent coordinator would come up to me and say, Joey, you're not relevant no more.

Do you pray, because I do, that I know before they come up to you? Like, I pray that I recognize. Yes, yes. I will. My down. I will. Before they do. I'm the type of guy I will.

I'm critical of everything. Same. I wrote my main line is I'd rather walk out on my feet than crawl on my knees. Exactly. Okay. When the Tommy situation, when that went down, I knew two things were going to happen. There was going to be two things that were going to have you. Remember, in the Tommy situation was a coked-out Joe Diaz.

and I coked out Joe Diaz with 26 years of cocaine under his belt Where his fucking thinking wasn't that sharp Right Only one thing I'm gonna go down there one night And I'm gonna take two of those motherfuckers And I'm gonna grab one by this side of the head

And the other one or the other side And I'm gonna bang their heads together To one of them dies Jesus I understand it Yeah This is really gonna happen That's how he felt

They were on my territory. I'm not a gang member. I don't belong to the mafia. I don't belong to anything. I'm a comic, and I'm a comedy store comic. And they were causing problem on my turf. You're red and black. And at that time, I wasn't healthy enough mentally to take on that war.

I wasn't ready comically to take on that war. I just wasn't prepared. I was too much of a drug addict. They came up to me pretty much. Both of those jerk-offs came up to me and told me to my face. They're like, when Joe Rogan ends the man of whatever tour, the real men of comedy tour. Oh, yeah, yeah.

45 minutes is going to stop up here. Him doing 45 is going to stop. And the other jerk-off with the hat on was next to my idea. Who is that one? Yeah, yeah. It's Caparulo. Who the fuck is it? Oh, Tommy and the other guy telling me what the fuck is going to go down.

You're out, yes. And I looked at him and I go, okay. And I went home that night. And I did not understand until I got home that night that they were, it was a declaration of war, what they were doing. Absolutely. And that's what they declared. And I almost got in the car and went back there. Because Tommy had no right to do that.

And he's listening to Caparillo. And that's bullshit. Both of them were sucking each other's dick. Yeah. And they fucking. And there was, there was like four or five. John's famine. I could see.

I could see. the thing building. I could see where it was going, even though I was coked out, even though my judgment was not on. I could tell that at one point, I saw two things. The first one was the night that Paulie threw

Joe out because of the... The worst thing I ever seen. On a Friday night, when I thought, I turned my back, so I wouldn't have to lie for the light effect. That's how slick I am. Because I thought Joe was definitely going to hit Paulie and the other guy. Yeah, he's growing weed now.

His mother still comes to the store. Dean. Dean. I thought, Joe, you can't come here and do that. I thought him and Dean were going to go down. And then I attacked Dean. Well, that's, yeah. In one of my cocaine rages, I went down.

He's not going to feel anything anyway. No, no, Dean's a great guy. No, we love Dean. We tease him all the time. Dean's a great guy. In fact, he sent me weed. He's growing an Afghanistan seed. Dean's a great guy.

He's a great guy. He was just sucked into that. He was sucked into it. old. So one night he came up to me and I went after Dean very unprofessionally in one of my drug hazes and I'll never forget that I went off on him and I said a bunch of things. And when I looked, I caught myself. It was a cocaine haze the night before. Yeah. I was frustrated. I wasn't getting nowhere. I was sick and tired of doing coke and poor Steve Byrne was standing right there. No.

I finished yelling. He was just a young kid. And I looked at Steve Byron, and he's such a sweetheart of a man. He could tell what I was going to. He's like the nicest guy. And I still remember what I uttered. What? I go, and I looked at him and I go, you don't fucking get it. That when fucking Mitchie dies, this place is done.

We're going to be filled up with assholes like that. That's what my cocaine mind was. You weren't wrong if they didn't fix it. And I remember I got in my car and left, and I said my days down there are numbered. Once I got into a, it with him and then I got into it with the other and I didn't get into it with the other guys they came and gave me like a slight threat yeah I had a package in my pocket I was just happy I was getting a spot see in those days Tommy was giving me 1245 spots yeah but once

rogan started getting pulled Rogan said no I want Joey in front of me yeah and that really pissed people all yeah that really you know and listen people had the right to get pissed all Trust me what I'm telling you. The store at that time was the ship being run by four or five guys that does they should do whatever they want. Eddie, Pauli, Andrew, Rogan. It was like five guys that were getting a little bit off course. We were forgotten why we're here for anyway.

Right. This is 15 minutes. We're a family. Nobody's here to do better than anybody. Exactly. A couple of, you know, it started getting that people come in and do eight. 80 minutes and do four hours and that's disrespectful. There was comics that quit because of that.

Like Nancy Pimento, the girl who created Shameless, she was a great comic. She was also the first writer, female writer on South Park with Trey Parker and those guys. Where is Nancy? She created shameless. Like she's the head writer of Shameless. I don't know if she created it, but she's one of the headwriters on that show Shameless. Forgot about me completely. One of my favorite people on the planet.

I've had her on my, I'm trying to get her on the store. But she's great. How great is she? How great is she? Open mic. But she quit because Mooney, every time she had a showcase, Mooney would come in and bump her. So they would not stay to see her. And then she sold her movies, sweetest thing.

Right. She's brilliant. She's still around. She just doesn't do a stand-up. She's, you know, wealthy. Yeah. I mean, like, in a good way, though. She channels it a different way.

She writes, you know? And she's, I think she just sold another show. because Shameless is ending. Shameless is a great show. She's been writing on that since the beginning. Too concocted for me. I love it. It's too fucked up.

The black dude. The chick with the hair. Too prededitated for me. You know what I'm saying? Everybody's got the hair dude. William H. Macy's character is the best character I've ever seen on television. That's great. Better than Tony Suprano, not really.

No, but an alcoholic white guy who's too smart for, I love. me me the fucking long oh i love it it's just a different way fuck came with his cunt wife trying to get that kid into school well yeah that's fucked up she's going for a month if i was that judge i give her six months i would too i agree with you i would be surprised if she walks out of there with six months if she get she should get six months but something very interesting happened yesterday or the day before that nobody caught on they're sweeping it under the carpet what happened to just letting your kids fucking figure it out it's bullshit man very interesting happened what lynn swan retired as the head uh athletic director of usc

that's not good hmm that's not good did you hear this new bitch's defense that she not only gave money to them but she also gave money to usc's department and she thought she was building a building i believe it and all of a sudden out of nowhere Because Lynn Swan has never done a thing that's been negative. He quit as the head athletic director of USC. That sounds like some Sam Tripoli shit right there. They didn't put it on the front page. Right.

They buried it. They put it all the way to the bottom. I didn't know it. Look at what happened yesterday, guys. Nobody remember it. I didn't remember a guy by the name of Todd Marinovich. Oh. Todd Marinovich was a quarterback who played for maybe UFC or Stanford or one of those.

I may be wrong. And Todd Morinovich was a white kid. Sounds familiar. Oh, yeah. Tremendous quarterback. Not the best, but. Do you go to the NFL? Let me tell you the story.

Oh. Let me tell you the story, Tick, Tick, Tick. Tick Tick. T T T T T T T T. Todd Mare Tad Murnich of his father has become a really good trainer right now. He's helping MMA people. I know he was about 10 years ago. A year ago.

What's your story about Todd Rennovich? I know his name. I know. Um, he was a, he was a lineman that says, at the beginning? A quarterback or a lineman? Well, no, hold on. He's a former quarterback for the NFL and the CFL, the Canadian Football League. CFL, yeah.

Okay. He played for the L.A. Raiders. Okay. Yeah. Um. What college? What college? If he came from the CFL.

Um, UFC. Listen, he played for UFC. He was touted to go. high. You ready? Ready. Pay attention. And one day, flick his dick. One day he was riding his bicycle on Venice Beach or somewhere in this area. People could correct me. I'm just trying to state a story. Yeah. And he got mysteriously pulled over by the cops and they found the gram of coconut sock. So the word on the street was

that the Raiders planted it so he could go lower in the job. And the job. And the judge. So he could go lower in the draft and they could draft because that was in Al Davis was playing the month. Howe Davis was a gangster. So look what happens yesterday. Everybody's jumping up and down. Antonio

Brown. Yeah, yeah. And now that came out. That's crazy. And all of a sudden. Like they didn't know that. Like nobody knew. The Raiders had that ace in their pocket. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. They waited. Oh, he signed. Look at him flying like a bird.

Oh yeah, wait until he signs the contract. And we dropped it out of New England. They played the, you know. This is the way the game is trade. Listen, NFL has. I said that at you. Fuck New England. NFL has their own center security people in liaison.

Of course. Fuck really. So a lot of people don't know. They have their own liaisons. Yeah. And they do like this weekend, not entourage, ballers. Oh, ballers is great. security well not this year because they got that fucking I haven't watched I haven't watched

yeah it ain't great it's just an okay show it's fucking white people now in Hollywood it's great no it's not I was into it I just you watch it from 7 30 to 8 you go okay now I could watch 60 minutes and not feel like a piece of shit other than the Sopranos what's your favorite show because sopranos to me broke the most like that's the greatest the wire to me to me it goes there's orders The greatest comedy of all time is the honeymooners. A, the comedy 101, where the funny guy and the guy next to him,

are just playing off each other. Perfect. Yeah. Second tight comes to the odd couple. I love all that shit. Oh, yeah. I do not like Sinai Live. I don't give a fuck who to cast.

I'm with you on that. I didn't like it. I always thought it was too pop culture and two played out. That's all just sucking each other off. Just went. Benny Hill, I think, was brilliant. I could cry. Okay.

But were they, you know, for a guy like me, what changed my life? Ricky Ricardo. I put it down yesterday on all things Cuban. Sure. If it wasn't for Desi Arnaz, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't, I put it just like this. The Cuban expression, you all go on messagelo, di Mali. See.

And Desi Arnaz let it be known. You could do whatever the fuck you want in 1950. He's brilliant. It took CB. I already was married to Lucy for 10 years. before CBS would even consider him putting them on. Like he fought barriers. They created the cameras.

He created their fucking three cameras. Well, all these motherfuckers stand a slopski and all these acting coaches. Good bye. Boom. How come that guy's over there? Why is that guy standing there? Why don't we see him? Give him a camera.

A Cuban had to fucking put that together. So and then he owns your studios. He's the only own. He owns his own tapes. Only a Cuban wants to watch every angle. He did fucking. He covered the spread from A and C.

You know, I don't know how we got on the topic. Why don't we do a reboot of Lucy. But what I really, I don't know if you guys married. I didn't watch TV for a long fucking time. Yeah. Once you get to comedy, there's no TV. Sure. Well, yeah.

When I got the comedy in 91, that was the end. The baseball, football. I still watch sports, but I didn't get into shows until Sopranos. Once I got the comedy. Then I was in Cleveland doing the, weekend coked up I don't know what the fuck I was working the Cleveland Improv okay and I went back to the room I got some coke and I went back to the it wasn't a hotel room was a condo across the street of course the haven of debt the bar had everything heroin with sugar

the pills Puerto Rican hookers happy pills happy pills you know so I fucking miserable went back up and I caught like episode three of the sopranos and I was pissed I was when I saw that I'm like that's the show they're talking about oh my because you weren't on it no oh no I was in New York I went to my buddies he I had a spot from the laugh remember the old days well no because you weren't doing comedy in the old days the laugh factory made tapes so I made a tape on but the problem with the tape was the quality was good but the volume was low yeah So I figured out a guy on, what's that post office in Sunset?

You make the right. Yes. Wilcox? Yes. By Wilcox. I know exactly what I'm talking about. That he could take the volume and raise it up. So I finally got this great tape together.

It was like a fucking 18-minute tape. How hard is it to get an 18-minute tape? I got the tape. I got the tape. I took it to New York. I made duplicates. I called my manager at the time, Ken Phillips that morning. And I go, what are you up there doing?

He goes, all right, you have a couple jobs. Go drop a tape off at this place. Go drop a tape of global entertainment. Okay. Global at that time booked governors. Oh, okay. They booked like six or seven clubs. And they also had an agency.

Yeah. Yeah, they also had an agency who sent you out for auditions. They had a bunch of people. Okay. So I went to Global and dropped off a tape. That's why I tell Lee. That's why I made one of those lean mistakes. I was in Jersey and I agreed to a guest spot at the 7 o'clock show in Long Island.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. And it was. I would have done the same thing. But yeah. Deep in the jungle. And I barely made it. And I died up by, you know, because now you're there.

I made it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're next. Well, guess what's going to happen? So I went all the way three hours to die of slow debt. And when I got off. For five minutes. And it's so crazy because you go to it get work.

We're so fucking nuts. And when you get off, you don't even bother asking the people. You're like, thank you. I already know the result. I'm not going to waste your time. I already know I ate a bag of dicks. Thank you, though. You don't pay for guests, but no worry.

Thanks. Oh, my God. And I remember I went. Walk home. I dropped the tape at every place. And he also told me, he goes, write this address down. Drop your tape off. There's this new show.

the Sopranos and they're looking for guys like you. And I dropped the three tapes off and I got lazy. And I said, I don't want to go in for a show about singing. And I never wanted to drop it off. Can you believe that? The only reason I'm laughing is because Wheels told Sebastian that he was in a spinoff of the Sopranos called the Baratones. How sad was that?

Sebastian went home and told his family that he knows a guy who's going to be on the spin-off No, he did. Yes, he did. He told it. You can listen to it on the Comedy Store podcast because he told that story. Me and Rick were dying.

He was so excited because wheels told him even get him on. The baritones. If you noticed, if you noticed, one good thing happened about the, success of Sebastian.

I love the success. You know what the success of Sebastian did for us? What? We didn't have to put up with no more knucklehead Italians. Because for 10 years, we had a string of knucklehead Italians in this town. Yeah. So you didn't go to auditions. No.

I went, though. But they would audition for Mitzie. Not the ones. Oh, yeah, you got all those. You got all those knuckleheads. But when I had it from two directions. In the acting world, I would walk in and be Frank Stallone. Oh, okay.

That's the first more one I had to put up with. Okay. I love Frank. And people talking to Frank. There's nothing to talk to Frank about it. In fact, you're not, I watched a Rocky movie, and it was him singing at the end. He got an Oscar for that. God awful.

For what song? That's a great song. Not that one. The other one that he did. Oh, the BG's. No, not the fucking BG's. I'm sorry. It's one movie.

Oh, it's on Rock. I know. It was the end of Rambo. I was going to say, When you're a soldier. I know my shit. I know my Stallone's. That's my pseudo-brother-in-law.

This is God awful. Poor Frank Stallone. Who ever told him he had anything. He's good. No, he's not. I have a tape. I'll send it to you. Please, leave me alone.

Leave me alone. Before the podcast started, Joe, you were just saying how like all it is is sticking it out. Like you said Greg Garcia was an extra on a TV show winning something years ago. Oh, Jeff.

I mean, Andy. No, Greg Garcia just posted today. Greg Garcia. The director of fucking 20 shows. If you don't know who Greg Garcia is, you should be ashamed of yourself. I'm mixing it. 23 years ago, he was an extra on 90210.

Oh, yes. 90210? Yeah. Now today he has three shows in syndication. My name is Earl, fucking, the show with the gay guy that was trying to be straight. and the other one that he did for Fox. He's got three shows. Yes, I know exactly who you're talking about now.

So, like, the reason I'm bringing it up is... I went to a comedy world by accident. Oh, okay. I went to an open mic two nights ago with a casino. And we were joking because right, but when we were sitting there, a guy went up where a chicken cost him on. The joke did his entire thing about being a chicken. He's like, I had to go and sit through the chicken guy.

Like, how many guys will stick through it in and be like the crazy? people be like the Frank Stoll. Like how many people will wade it out? Well Frank Stallone had a brother. He might be a bad example. But he also got an Oscar for a song. So he's not like he didn't do anything. Are there some crazy people who just stick it out and just

remain crazy and don't get anywhere? Hell yeah. Like just 30 years of craziness. Every Monday night at the comedy show. One day. Lana Turner. Oh, I thought you were going to say Robert William Approvaya, but yeah, go there. Anna Turner.

On a Turner. As sad as it sounds, I love Ralphie to death. He was my brother, Lana Turner. Yeah, I've done some showcases with her. Somebody told me two nights ago that they saw her and that she should have taken my advice to sell both houses, move to Florida, close to a family, and go on the cruise ships.

Yeah, she's good cruise. She's perfect for the cruise. They have rated our shows and family shows. And that would have saved her a lot of time, because at one point, I mean, again, listen, nobody wants to give up. Right. But I'm going to be honest.

How hard would it be? 2009, I married Terry. I was off the blow, and I started thinking about it. And I got a call from the funny bone, some lady who worked in. She goes, we feel that because you're open for Joe, that you have this underlying following that's about the burst. I didn't feel it. They gave me a number, and I said,

I'll do that if I don't have to work Sundays. And they said, you have to work Sundays. And I said, I don't wanna do it. I lived up the corner. That for you. And I said, I'm gonna get a job selling cars over here. I wasn't doing spots at the store, but I was still doing spots at flappers.

Yeah, this was during the Rogan. 2010, I would open up to Rogan. Rogan had two weeks of work for me that were easy. Rogan does it easy. There's no drama, there's no getting on the plane. Yeah. There's no tour books. There's no stupidity.

Just straight up gangster comedy. Same as dice. And I was pretty content. I knew my standing. I knew I wasn't one of the boys in the circle. There was never going to be a picture of me at the improv. There was never going to be. I'm with you on that.

I'm never going to be on a Comedy Central show. There's things that you accept. I'm never going to be on Fallon. I'm never going to be on Letterman. Sure. I'm never going to be on this, you know. And you have. I have to accept them.

You know, when I got into comedy, this fifth year, I heard all the rumors about television and what you needed. And at that time, at the five-year mark, I already knew I didn't want to do that of me. Yeah. I had just read too many books on Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor and renegades that we don't adjust to rules. So, you know what? I don't adjust the rules in modern day.

I'm not going to definitely adjust to them in comedy. Not for him. I knew right off the bat. You have to be that honest with yourself and know what's going to and what's not going to work for you. And then comes the main word in your life, which is called adapt. You adapt to whatever they put in front of you.

Mick Jagger said it best. You don't get what you want, but you get what you need. Yeah. If you really put it on to the universe, listen, Lord, I just need $2,200 a month to take care of my wife and to keep me in a couple hot dogs so I could smoke pot. And all I need to do is that I don't want to be a star

I don't want to be Kevin Hart It could be done You could work for that goal There's tons of comedy Clubs that There's always a career in comedy Don't tell me there is Nancy Pimento

Nancy Pimento You know where I met Nancy Pimento Punchline Punch Lines San Francisco Really 1996 Drove down from Seattle

You know 11 hours To do a guest sales You know, at the 11, I was doing comedy, 11 hours to do a guest set. Eight years to do a guest set in San Francisco. Sleeping on the fucking car and I went right back to Seattle. That's hilarious.

And I met Nancy Pimento. I met, oh my God, there's probably four people that I'm still friends on from that particular open mic. And then I saw Nancy Pimento at the improv. And she was part of the fun group. We call it a fun bunch. Doug Ben. Oh, that one.

That's somebody different. Bonnie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all different section. That whole crew hung out together. And I didn't see her no more. You know who else was out that time? The chick that ate goat cheese with the omelets that came on the show.

I hope so. What's her name? I don't know. She used to be on the fucking Chelsea Handler show. She's the fashion Hollywood chick. Heather. Heather. She never was a store girl, but I know her.

She was an improv girl. So was Pimento. Right, but they used to do... Yeah, they were all at the impover. Pimento was a store girl. Mitsy passed her... But she would hang out at the store with the nice white people.

She was good with the group. She was in a little click of guys. Right. And that were going in the right direction. Yeah. They were going... That's why she ended up writing that script. Yeah.

But I know Nancy Pimento from 96... That's amazing. At the San Francisco Punchline, we were auditioning for the San Francisco comedy competition. Oh, okay. So you went not to... just for a guest spot. It was a big audition.

There's no fucking guest spots in those days. Well, you said 11 hours for a guest spot. I go, oh, shit. But you're right, an audition is. A spot. It's a spot. You're not getting paid. You're not getting paid.

Yeah. That's it. You're not getting paid. The gas is yours. The hotel is yours. Everything is yours. The whole package is yours. Welcome to the real world.

There ain't nothing. The bluebird happens ain't there. That still exists. That still, you have to. You have no choice. York. to do basically an audition. You have no choice.

With Lana. Yeah. For Jenny McCarthy. I think she didn't like me. I'm going to go with she didn't like me. I had a great set, by the way. I was shitting on... There's some people that...

I kept saying the word retardant. They got upset. I know my limitations. Hey, listen, Netflix is never going to give me a special. You should have tears on my eyes. None. Why would they not give you a special? You're degenerate thing.

I don't give a fuck. It propelled. a whole other, they're doing another one. But it wasn't me. They're the only one they're doing. Yes, it is. It wasn't me. All of you. Jay, you, yes. They didn't even stand behind or nothing. It didn't really matter. But that's what my point is. You have to accept the little things in your career and they make you stronger.

Yeah. That's it. You're not going to be invited to everything. You're not going to be one of the boys. You're not going to be invited to the, you know. Yeah. It's how bad I want to go to Montreal. As bad as I want 10 guys to rape me in the bathroom. Okay. I knew that in 1999. I was that smart to know that.

Nice. Yeah, I agree. I don't believe I fit in festivals either. I got to get on a plane in L.A. with these same morons, with these same jackoffs. I see four nights a week and go to Montreal to now see them in their element at a bar with their fight, their fake suits on and all the bullshit. I'd rather not go.

It would be the last place I'd want to go. I'm waiting on that. It's like one of those things that sometimes got, like I tell my, something happened in my house last week. My wife wanted to be involved in the school thing, you know, and she wanted to run for something. Now, me, I kept my mouth shut. I don't interfere in her affairs like that.

But I know my wife. I know Tyrean. I know that I have a little bit of. money put away. I put away every month. Sometimes I go on the road and they say to me, do you want your travel money and I go give it to me in cash? I take that cash and I put in a bank account that nobody knows about. Smart. Because I know. Well, now they know, but yeah. I know that one day I'm going to hear the door slam and I'm going to hear stomping how she stomps when she's bad. And she's going to come up to me and she's going to say, we're going to pull her out of that fucking

school I hate those fucking snowflakes I feel it come yeah yeah in fact it was really weird because I had to go to dean del Rey's house yeah and on the way back I drove past Immaculate Heart on sunset which goes up the AFI yeah yeah yeah I have a Jewish friend who sends his daughter there he's like it's a great school yeah aggressive Catholics they get the girls in order they don't have to wear uniforms very progressive and I already said you know what that's 35 grand a year I'm left to suck and dicks to make 35 grand, but I already feel. Yeah.

I already let her know. I go, if you don't know this, then you don't know you. I've been with you for 20 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any day now. Any day. What's that song? But I don't know what it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any dynamic, won't be wrong. I won't be afraid. Any day now, she's going to walk in the door. I'm going to hear stomping. And I'm going to hear mercy saying, mommy, but no. Mommy, but I want to say. stay there and she's going to come in because that already happened last year she went to pick her up one day

and they couldn't find mercy and peek and the principal was like well and Terry went oh Terry told her to get out of my face and went and went her got the kid and then on the way out the principal's like Mrs. Diaz we want to explain to him she's like I told you to get out of my face I just told you to get out of my face she ain't wrong so I already know my wife yeah she's going to you know where it's headed yeah this is just a few weeks. Tonight we're going to a PTA thing. I'm dead.

Tonight I got to bring your three Cuban cameras. I'm going to... And film from every angle. I got to take her the self-defense class at four. And then we're going to the house. Get her warmed up. Perfect. I'm popping the 100 million grams.

I was going to say there's no way he's going to go over. Oh, no. No, and I might take you with me. Just so you can see what I live through. I don't have kids, well? No, just so you can get prepared. Remember that case? Remember when Kettison

Walk up to you and go, hi, how are you doing? Yeah, you're doing good tonight, yeah. How you feel? Are you married? Yeah. I want you to remember this face. That's what I'm going to take you. It's my favorite.

You're going to fall in love? Yeah, yeah. Eventually, you want a couple of them. Come to this PTA party with me. You walk out of him. You walk out of there like, fuck that. I'll never deal with those fucking snowface again. So anyway, my wife,

ran for this thing. And she was very excited. And last Tuesday when she came home, I saw she was kind of sad. And I took her, you know, I walked her off the ledge. I took her for coffee. And we talked about it.

And I told her, I said, listen, I learned something with, if I learned some, the biggest lesson I learned in comedy that is part of life. And this is for you people too is

sometimes you want something. You want it. You want it so bad. bad, you could taste it. But you don't get it. And you're pissed at people, and you're angry, and you hate the world, and you think your life is over. Oh, my God, I didn't get that movie.

My life is over. Guess what? Some 9 out of 10, God did you a favor. Trust me. I'm here to tell you, I'm not Johnny Religious. You don't see me with a cross on my neck. You don't see me preaching the Bible. I'm telling you that if you're a good person,

karma will avoid you out of that. I never forget, there was a movie Foucaulte made. You know, Fresh Prince of Philadelphia. What's the fresh... Will Smith? Why are you going Foco? Will Smith made a movie

that when I read the script it was so powerful. The tears were running down my eyes. Oh, wow. Like on page 15. Pursuit of Happiness Day? No, no. It was about him. I forget what the fuck it was. But reading the script,

I didn't even sleep that night. I knew the part I wanted. I knew the part I wanted. I circled it. I knew how I was going to play it, and I went after this part. Longest Yard style, American Gangsa style. All those movies I got with, I sent the tape in,

I went after it. I called producers. I called directors. You know me. I tell you one time, make the call. You don't call it. I was calling producers. I was seeing one other projects,

producers didn't talk to the friends of theirs. Yeah. I fucking involved myself in this. movie. I wanted these three scenes that were going to change my life. It was a hotel clerk. He ate something. Look at his movies.

Eight something. It was about him being, he's dying. Number four, maybe? No. I'm just thinking of number. Will Smith. I'll never forget that. I didn't get that movie and guys, I got no, I don't know what depression is. I went into a

a Coke funk depression. I get depressed. But you don't get depressed? Well, No, no, not about stuff like this. Oh, okay. I wouldn't let myself get the press because I know it's percentages. But for some reason, this one, this one, I'll tell you,

I can tell you all of them that broke up. What do you think of my, what I've been? Start it. What movies did he make from 2001 on? Ali, Men and Black 2, Bad Boys 2,

I Robot, Shark Tail, Hitch. Hitch was good. I am legend. Hancock seven pounds seven pounds when the body dies you lose seven pounds oh yes I never even heard of that one yeah exactly it was an end up probably an independent

here I thought it was gonna change my whole fucking life yeah yeah yeah it was gonna change my whole fucking life when they told when I went in there I brought that's I know you know lines yeah I knew the script inside and out that's amazing I know Will Smith That's mine. I knew everybody's lines in the fucking movie. You had it down.

When I walked out of it, I was like, I got this. I got this. And it was one of those movies that got casted around a holiday or something. So it was like a break. Oh, shit. Please, I'll tell you the next one. It sounds like an independent project. No, it wasn't an independent.

It has a good cast. Will Smith don't do nothing independent. They pay him 20 rather than that. Yeah, but if it didn't, yeah. No, it just didn't. It just didn't hit. It just didn't hit. Interesting.

It came out on the weekend with a Disney movie. It got ready to this. The marketing doesn't wasn't done right. Nobody knew about it, so I didn't lose. What was the sequel to Get Shorty? Yes. The sequel to Get Shorty, I lost that role to a guy that died. No.

A week after he did the movie. Oh, my motherfunk. And I loved him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Oh, my God.

Be cool. I went down there. I read for it. It was what's the name, sister partner from the Sopranos. Oh, okay. Georgine walking. I went down there. It was down by Santa Monica all the way by Fort Street.

Okay. I went down there, walked in, read with her. On the way back, they beat me. As a turn around, Travolta's going to be here and now. He wants to read with you. I read with Travolta, and then I came back again and read with whoever else was a star. was at that movie because they added some Vince Vaughan and witherman keep going Cedric the entertainer Andre Benjamin Stephen Tyler Robert Pastorelli Robert

Pastorelli he died a week later oh Jesus and he's the one that got it right right Robert Pastorelli you know who yeah yeah he's an old he was a everything he did he did the Arnold movie he was he was the one that was the witness relocation plan in the Arnold movie what's the one where Arnold finds people with Vanessa Williams. Oh, what's that one? I'm thinking Terminator, but that's wrong. Nobody remembers these fucking people.

But anyway, I fucking read for that with Pastorelli. I read for that with Travolta. I mean, she loved how many things you've read for. She called me at the house, and she told me how great of a job was. Eraser. Eraser. It was December. Yes.

Now I see it. It was December 18. It was like a Thursday. and I knew this town shuts down that Friday. And I was going to Sony to read for everybody. For this. Oh, for the, oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I had this backwards and forwards. I hired a coach. I had the black valour warm-up with the gold chain, the wife beat it. Stop hitting on me. Because I kept switching, I kept switching outfits to give them different looks. Oh, yeah. You know what me. dog. I'm way ahead of the fuckers fear.

Yeah, yeah. So on this one I wanted to play the guy like a gangster with like a, like Pastorelli was going to play it. I fucking God I ate breakfast, went on my sides, put it down the notebook, wrote my lines down the notebook, fucking went in the shower. I'm on the shower, I hear the phone ring.

And I fucking answer it. It's my agent. I go, what's up? She goes, listen, I'm sorry. They booked a roll out of New York last like you're not going to get it I remember going okay hang on the phone and just crying just crying like this movie's gonna change my life Stephen Tyler's

in the fucking movie yeah everybody's in the movie bombed it did bomb it was horrible I've seen it on cable but I never got off Vince Vaughn they can't even remember the name of it they just ruined it yeah yeah yeah Vince Vaughn a bunch of them just ruined it so sometimes when you don't I learned this from comedy

sure sometimes when you don't get something, at the end they're really doing you a fucking favor. Yeah, it's a cliche to say like one door closes, another one opens, but it's a real thing. I told him. I told him after the strike in 2007,

all that were calling me where everybody wanted to make a movie on YouTube. Everybody. Oh, YouTube series. Oh, yeah. YouTube. Low budget. $100 a day. It's actually up there now. YouTube, YouTube. And one day I said, you know what? I'm not doing these normal.

For a year, people kept calling me. I'll give you $200 a day. It's a you, no, no, no, boom. I got a call from fucking the Travolta, the De Niro Salon movie. It didn't do nothing, but by me holding out, I proved to myself, and we go back to the universe,

takes care of yourself. The universe will take care of yourself if you stick to your guns. This is what I'm not doing anymore. I'm not doing it. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. No matter what.

My cousin works for Warner Brothers. It's sold. Listen, selling, then we'll do second series. Yeah. But until then, but then all these people are gone now.

Like, they don't do nothing no more. But the question I want to say to you was, how funny is it that Sebastian hit? Yeah. And that whole Italian coop disappeared of comics. Yes. Jimmy and Joey,

Wheels, the Marino. I mean, I love him. Did you ever showcase to be a Jimmy? Oh, about eight times. That was the role I wanted all my life.

My favorite thing. I just saw him. I really liked it. I love them. I love him, but it was the night of a thousand weedos. They tried everything. Everything you could think of. They tried fucking everything. I remember Jimmy and Joey were in,

I forget which Joey, or Jimmy he was on, but Jimmy and Joey were in the OR on stage, and Dice was like, you can't say, oh, that's my thing. Like, because they would tell a joke and go, Oh, and Dice was like, that's my thing. And he's totally fucking with that. But they went on stage doing their thing. And they tell a joke.

And Dice was sitting in Mitty's seat in the back of the OR. And you'd hear them like tell whatever, you know, why don't Italians join the witness protection? No witness. Oh, oh. Like, they would stop. And Andrew goes, what I say? And then they do another joke.

and try not to do it with the O on the end of it? Oh, my God. It was the saddest and greatest thing I've ever seen. Because he was just fucking with them, but he sat there to make sure they wouldn't do it. Nobody gets the dice is a fucking goof. 90% of the time, he's fucking with you. He was fucking with all those guys for a while.

He's the effects master. And then he called me the one day in the Apollo, because I told him, I said, fucking Marino's not doing you. It's a form of flattery. Get over it. No, he's not. Him and Luca are doing me.

That's how I meant nice. Well, so, yeah, somebody. Scott, Scott. Scott Day. Scott Day. Scott Day. Scott Day. Scott Day.

Scott Day waited for 11, and he Dice purposely called Scott and told him to put up Marino and Luca. And he was going to meet him down there at 10.30 on the Tuesday. And he sat there and he's like, look on the, Look at them. They're doing me and you let them do that. Remember when Luca would go in his pocket and take his lighter out to light a cigarette. I forgot about that.

A barbecue lighter. Yeah, yeah. You would take it out and light it. But the funniest line Luca would have is, I don't know if you guys know it. I'm a Gambino captain. I used to be a hit man for the Gambinos. I can't tell you how many times people came up to me after the show will go. Is that true?

Is he really into Gambinos? It's an idiot. And I love Louis. I love Luca. I miss Luca. Me too. I haven't seen him in forever. I miss Luca too. But that whole Italian scene. But sometimes that Marino would tell people that Dice stole his act. Like he's told club owners that recently.

And I'm like, what? And I like Marino. Like, he's funny. He does his own, whatever. He's, you know, he doesn't look Italian. My style is Dice too. My style is Dice. Everybody, I can tell him Andrew about. But so did fuck. Rodney right and so did Bill Hicks and so did prior yeah so when you see me sometimes I feel what I'm doing prior on stage I know it when I catch myself oh you can't do that yeah I feel that way yeah pull back a little because I

there's a lot of people I'm inspired by exactly what Hicks would say I know his mind thought yeah when I say those little tags at the end that's Hicks yeah I'm just emulating Hicks it wouldn't let you go down without a fight he's so You're absolutely right. You're giving you little tags at the end. Yeah. You throw a joke, those little tags at the end, that's Hicks. Yeah.

Suzy call, you know, that whole. I rara, too. I rara does that. It's a style. And I catch myself because I watch so long, 12 years at the store as a waitress, watched them so long. Sometimes I'll catch myself like, fuck, that's very I rarity. You know, like, don't say it like that.

See how you say it. Well, me to the people that taught you the game. Exactly. But I, you. We do emulate people. We do look up to people. Judy Gold is one of my favorites. So you could see that.

I mean, my new favorite is Jessica Kerson. Do you know, Jessica? We already talked about. Oh, my God. I didn't say hello because we were in the original. I was about to go up. Right. But I didn't say a lot.

She's very funny. God damn. But she's been out of 20 years. She has, but I didn't know until I started doing stand-up. She's been ripping up 10 years ago. She was ripping it up. But she's a lesbian. Yeah.

She's a lesbian. I like, you threw that in there. But she's Jersey girl. Yeah. She lays it down for you. She said that, you know, people tell me I'm triggered. I'm triggered from what you said. She goes, yeah, I have kids.

You'll get triggered all day. Yeah. Oh, yeah, please. That's a great life. I'm triggered. I'm triggered. But she's just brilliant. She's just always been.

But I didn't know her because she didn't come to L.A. That's my other problem. If you didn't come to the comedy store, I really didn't know your stand-up. You know what I mean? So my influences are all basically. comedy store people. You know what I mean? So it's,

some of it's fucked up. That's what Rogan's favorite thing was, is that you would come in, and when I was waiting tables, people would be like, oh, how's the show guy to be tonight? And I'd show them the lineup,

and I go, right here, you're going to want to go take a piss. Out here, after this guy, you're going to want to shoot yourself in the faith. Like, I would fuck with people, but they would laugh and tip me more. So I was working the table, not knowing it.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like I was doing stand by I didn't know I was doing that, but I was just trying to make money. So I was like, yeah, you're going to take a long walk around the building because both of these are terrible. And they would always fucking at the end of the night be like, you're absolutely right. That was awful.

I sat through it. I should have listened to you. I should have taken a break because the guy after him or the girl after him was great. But that, you know, Mityy had her fucking nuts that she would just throw in there to fuck with people. There's another one who would, fuck with people on a regular basis. Like she just, she put

an non-shalobily on, I don't know how you say his name. Do you remember that fucking guy? He couldn't do 15 minutes. He looked like a genie came out of a bottle. She had. An non-sholomily. His name's on the wall. Hilarious. She had a couple of people. He could do a solid six.

There was a kid that wore like a. A Unitar? Frank Lemberman. He wouldn't talk. A Leverman I loved. there was another guy Leverman went up in a A singlet

Like a wrestling singlet? Yeah Oh boy Yeah yeah And he would play Paddle tennis Ping pong whatever the fuck No one with himself

On stage It's so funny to hear this now Because for comics like me Like the store is like She loved it Like heaven And to hear people doing that On the stores

Yeah but he was In his country He's huge In Germany This guy's fucking huge Right Oh, yes. Crazy as they come.

I owe him an email. Fucking crazy motherfucker. With his hair real high. Yes, a sweetheart. A sweetheart, but fucking bizarre. But fucking out there. Out there. He was only in town.

He was like noises and shit. His thing's above the OR. He only lived here for like six weeks. Yeah, a couple months. A couple months. He just came in and spots every night. But he was huge in Germany. I'm surprised.

There's cocaine, Joe. He could deal with these people. Fucking Nazis were coming in all the time to see him. There was more German tourists. I remember that. He fucking loved him. He wore like a shiny suit. He would switch it up, a singlet, the shiny suit, all kinds of shit.

Oh, my God. He'd be like, hey, I don't know, you know, whatever is like that. I don't know. But he'd be like, I was in the hot tub with girls and potty shorts. And I'm like, oh, that's great, man. He's like, now I'm going to go on stage. And then he wouldn't say a fucking word while he was on stage. just make noises or do weird shit or play the fucking table tennis she loved him there was another guy

she told me was going to be the next gym carry and then Lauren peltz you don't remember Lauren the Loweach one of my best friends she we worked there for six years together she backed Mity up she goes this guy's going to be huge I never saw him again he was fucking retarded from the minute I saw it but Mitzie was like that she liked that like bizarreo that's what the main room was for because she would have like more of a showy kind of thing it would be like a regular stand-up then it'd be like janice hart who was doing like song parodies and val papas and monica ganus that were doing characters and shit like that frank lemmer no uh frankie pace frankie pace would do all's fucking little put a stupid shit on his head and dance around then it would be domaira john morruni sherry shepherd rita joel you know what i mean like she always liked a baza kind of eclectic comedy taste. She was

fucking nuts. But some of those people just disappeared. A nun. I never saw him again. I have no idea where he is. He's probably running CIA or something. He was so fucking weird. That other kid, I can't think of his name. I have no idea what happened to him. The next Jim Carrey. But she would

do that. She passed Jimmy and Joey. Then she saw them again and she was like, oh, no. I messed up. Sorry. But with Sebastian, He bombed on her showcase for her. He had just graduated Sandy Seashore's class, and he didn't do well in her graduation thing either.

Then showcase for Mitzie didn't do well. She passed him. I remember looking at the paper like, oh, shit, she's okay, because that guy didn't do well. Then she kept putting him on, kept putting him all, moving him further back in the lineup, further back in the lineup. You know, he'd be 1 a.m., you know, 1.30, late night, sometimes just the belly room, you know, but she she kept him in the loop and people

were pissed. Like, who the fuck is this guy? You know, Mity just passed him because he's good looking, you know, but she didn't. I asked her, I said, did you pass him because he was cute? Because she's done that before. Luca, you're welcome. And so, uh, she did that a million times. She goes, no, I don't like that one. I like that way. And so, three years, two years later we're sitting in the OR. Sebastian's fucking annihilating. And she looked at me, she goes,

I surprised myself what that one. She saw something. I don't know what she saw. But sometimes you see it, sometimes don't. Everybody can have that one or two great sets. Like, there's comics I know that are pretty awful, but I've seen them have great sets.

Once, at least. That's the lesson we learned from her that what you walked in there, you walked out a different person. If you stuck with it. And he stuck with it. And he stuck with it. Sebastian, I mean, because you were talking about Sundays when he would come in at like stage 11, 12.

He was a waiter. Right, but he would have the day off. The day off. But to sign up, I'm saying, remember when they used to come sign up on Sundays? So he would, I'd see him in the parking lot during the day. I go, what are he doing? He goes, bronzing up while I wait to go on. fronzing up but he would he would like lay out in the to wait for a sign up sheet to come down

sign up go to four seasons and come back later that night four seasons why I think that you got up the system so fast and you become so funny because you saw the proper way to do it and you did true but got thrown to the wolves quick but you which is great listen you have to get thrown to the walls quickly. You have to. Yeah. I would throw, I throw people to the walls all the time. Yeah.

Because I want them to know. Yeah. Time to time, you need to get thrown to the walls. And I look at those bite marks and they propel me to do better. Makes you go home and really think about what you're doing, what you're like. And if you want to do this. And if you want to do this. And this is, it's a long, ugly hall.

There's a thousand people that want to be a comic. Yeah. Doing it and doing it correctly is a different story. And that's where we were lucky. Yeah. We were lucky. Yeah. I didn't pay attention.

I just put my head down and kept going down there. But you were one of my favorites from the minute you walked in, like as far as you're like, all in stage, just fucking. It fit who I was. The story, I mean. Yeah, you're right. It's like a holteman thing to it. Listen, from the third day, I did comedy from my third set, people came up. to me and said there's Mitzie's seeing you yet.

Yeah. The store was made for a guy like me. I belong there. That's why today, I don't go anywhere else. Like the Simone would say the land of misfit toys is what we are at the comedy store. And you don't want. Just water guns shooting jelly. You know what, man, if you don't belong there, that's fine too. I'm not making of you.

You belong at the improv. Find your place. Don't sit and complain that you're not in one place. Don't do that. Nothing barging more than that. There's three. there's four other comedy clubs in LA and 967 rooms

which you're here crying. You're here crying, wasting time. Go with who backs you, man. When you get that funny, the comedies don't find you. That's right. They'll find you. Yeah. Don't call you.

And even if you are that, like you think you're that funny, which is fine because a lot of people do think that they're that funny. They work elsewhere. Like you can't make it unless you're in at the comedy store. I'm like, what are you talking about? There's a million comedy. How many times at Harry Showcase?

Seven years. I don't know how many times, but seven. Him and Shandling her neck and neck. He was like 18. Wasn't that something crazy? Him and Shandling are neck and neck for not getting passed for the seven year mark. Gary Shailing of him. Yeah. He's in a group with Gary.

I'm Gary. I remember him, God rest of soul. He was hosting the Emmys, I think it was. And he was in the comedy store. And he was in me and Mitterer walking down the hall. And she spotted him. I didn't know it was him at first. You know, you walk, it gets a little darker.

And of course, I'm trying to probably save someone's job while I'm walking. You know, I'm like, well, it's, you know, they didn't mean it. They just sat down. And, you know, they're human. And, you know, so, and she's, oh, Gary. And she yells, he comes over. And he, as soon as he saw her, automatically started sweating. I was like, this motherfucker fucker is hosting the Emmys.

Does that ever go away? It didn't go away with her. no matter what they still had that fear I remember Eddie Gritt like he came over he was talking Gary sweating wiping his brow yeah I'm hosting yeah I mean oh yeah it's nice like it was nothing like yeah good your little gig you want to do a spot in the ore no no he's just sweat

I'm gonna go I was just meeting a friend who was so panicked and he left but like I was thinking of like Eddie Griffin and Dice in the 90s They had a big fight in the kitchen. Or maybe it was 2000. It could have been 2000. Because I think Andrew and I maybe just started dating or it was right before. So maybe it was like early 2000s.

They had a big fight. Mitzki came in. She was like, why happened? And I'm like, you know, they just had a stupid argument over stage time, blah, blah, blah. It's no big deal. I tried to squash it. I want to talk to both of them. So I'm like, what are they, eight?

Okay. Teddy Griffin and Andrew Dice Clay. You remember? So they come in. She's sitting on the white couches. Remember in the kitchen? We had those white couches. And she would always sit on the far back one so she could look at herself in the mirror across. I don't know if you knew that. But that's what she would do if she would look at herself. Right. So she's sitting on her bench. These two come in like schoolboys. I've never seen them like, hey, Missy. Like all of a sudden the leather jackets off. Eddie's big hats are off. like nothing. They were just two kids afraid to get in trouble with Mitzie Shore.

And they both sat down and she goes, why did he happen? And they're like, well, you go, you tell it. Like, I'm like,

I'm watching these motherfuckers squirm because this is how powerful this woman is in their career and in what they want to be accepted by. It was the greatest thing I ever seen. I was like, this is fucking awesome.

I don't understand. I had the same relationship but with me I always won Oh you got you got You were good with her though Because you were funny I used to get her before she could say anything to me

If I did something wrong I'd go up to her hugger Talk to her and then she go Oh Don't take your dick out in the original room No more I told it And I took it out a week later

Of course She's like Joey what I say No you're not getting banned Just what I say No You were, I remember I told, I was running on a thin line at that place.

But she loved it because she knew you were part of her like that kind of comic she loved. She loved on that shit. It's a troubled soul and they got a lot to say. Oh, she loved. And it's fucking great. She loved.

I don't know if you remember they, they accused me one time. One of the managers, I dated a girl named Carol. Huh? So one of the men. I wrote Carol, of course. So one of them, I have Fred, uh, Freddie had, was starting to blow up. And the white kid with the glasses, his buddy.

Oshack. Oshack came to me. Freddie Soto and Oshack. Mitz, you really likes you. And I can't do this job anymore. Do you mind driving two days a week? Because Freddie was blowing up. He was opening for Carlos.

So now, not only, I didn't, I was a telemarketer. And then ends Mitchell did away with the telemarketing. I hate me and Shackle. the guy that was dating Kelly Kirsten so I started driving Fasio so I started driving I started driving the van did you know that do you remember that and I had to go get a tongue sandwiches always that's her favorite what's that what's chin chin that's fucking Chinese chicken salad and I used to have to go to the hardware store oh coons she loves that fucking place I've got admits the fucking aisles are too small but one day one day I actually went to the back and they gave me a hundred over. And I took the hundred and had to go right to La Jollaire. It's five. Oh, right to the way.

They didn't say nothing to me. The bank made the mistake. And then another time, I would never steal from the comedy store. I already knew if I wanted, if you steal from here, there's no coming back. It's going to come back, yeah. There's no coming back.

So this guy like Carol, he would always flirt whenever I brought Carol. I just say nothing. I was just giving this guy to him. giving this the guy the opportunity. One day, he just came up to me. He goes, hey, man, there was a carton of Marlboro Reds missing.

And I go, well, if I didn't, you gave me with a list and the person gave him to me, and he just started on me. I think you robbed it. Did you rob? And I go, why would I rob a carton? I work for Mitchie Shaw. And I still remember the guy's face. Was he a manager

or something? It's a manager. And this is when the managers didn't matter. You're right. This is when managers didn't matter. I've had people come up to me. I was a manager. I don't remember you. Yeah, you could smack them. That's how many. I fired three of them myself. I was a waitress. She was a waitress. She ran the place. She, Eleanor really ran the nerve of me

to fire fucking people. The managers were just standing there taking orders. So this manager kept up. The nerve. He kept up on it. He got the ones guys here. What a piece of shit. He got the one guy's ear. And they were on it for about two or three weeks. They were on this thing with the fucking, the cart and the cigarettes.

And I swear to God, at the time, smoke camel lights even there you know why would I steal Marlboro reds so finally I got a call from Mitzie and she goes that's guy let's fix this so I went down at five o'clock like I was the meeting was four on a Friday oh Jesus we had to pick up checks anyway yeah so I had to go pick up my check and I went down there it was me him and Belinda oh good stuff what was her name what was her last man who the fuck cares what a piece of shit good stuck. Because me and my wife were trying to figure out his name.

I'll never forget that I sat down as calm as I could. And Mitzie goes, do you want to sit in there? And the manager said, where you're sitting because he was sitting next to Mitzie. Yeah. I said, Mitzie's Joe, before I came here, I was a criminal. And I accept that for what it is. But now I'm a comic. This fucking piece of shit just like that.

He goes, he keeps fucking saying that I stole a pack of fucking carton of cigarette. It's Mitssy, I'm looking you in the eye telling you, I didn't steal the cart and the cigarettes. Now I'm looking you in the eye. And if you say it again, and he went to say something, I go, don't even say it or I'll fucking smack you in the fucking face right here, you motherfucker. I just went off on one of those dears tangents. Belinda just thumbs up. Mitzi's pussy just blew. Yeah.

You could see the steam. Hanukkah Bush was out. She loved comics and stuck up for themselves and threatened and fought. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. For a manager. We'll take it out. I'll beach in here.

You turn on. our lights, bitch. Mitchie's like, oh, stop, stop, stop. And he's like, you're not going to touch me? I'll dial nine one, one. I go, Missy, you see, we've got to deal with these fucking pussies? And that was it. It was never mentioned.

The guy got fired. Guy always got fired. And I saw him and Ralph's up a year later. He shook my hand. Piece of shit. Where are you this weekend? Harvey's Comedy Club. Yes.

What night are you there? Thursday, tonight through Sunday. You're fucking beautiful. That's who I am, man. I'm happy you can make it through today. I was in the move for family today. I love you. Thank you for having me.

I'm like, I'm not in the mood to interview. I'm going to talk to family. It's fucking mid-September. I'm headed to Dallas. It sold the fuck out. Which one are you doing? San Antonio sold the fuck out. The majestic theater.

The Aztec theater is gone. It's over. The only thing that's left in your fucking future is Chicago on September 27th. And those motherfuckers are going fast. Then after that, I got Kansas City on October 11th. I forget the name of the theater. and the fucking Paramount Thede in Denver, we just added a second show at 9.30.

So there you have it. Can I plug other ones? Those are dates. Yeah. Where else are you going? Uncle Vinny's 18th, Point Pleasant. September 18th and 21st, and then Mr. and Mrs. America with Dice and Roseanne,

the 19th and the 20th, Paramount Long Island with Dyson Roseanne, and Hard Rock, Atlantic City with Dyson. I really can't wait for it. Also, the Roar Comedy Club in Springfield, Massachusetts. I'm excited about that because you got to assume they're retarded. Listen, don't be retarded. Go to my goddamn Weston. But I really want you to go see Dice and Roseanne.

That sounds like a fucking great show. It's going to be great. Sounds like a great show. I'm happy of being a part of that. Before I leave, a real quick word from our sponsors, Dollar Shave Club. Listen, as you guys know, when this podcast started, we've been with Dollar Shave Club member for years. I loved them.

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