The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #719 - Joey Diaz Setting the Record Straight

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

Joey Diaz talks about his decision to follow his dreams and leave Colorado. Some may say he abandoned his daughter, here's the real story.   This podcast is brought to you by:  Kettle Bell Kitchen - Go to kettlebellkitchen.com and use code church to get $50 off your first two orders. MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

You're jumping up and down for the year fucking flies. This is this guy in Boulder in 91. I'm on a fucking, my nose is wide open. Maybe 92. I'm walking around. My nose is wide open. I'm doing comedy. I'm getting a divorce.

And they're just coming to me. I got these people who want to do scams, and I'm running scams on them. But the only person I was running a scam one was on myself. But there was this one dude, no names. He comes to me one day. like hey I need a pound of weed I gave him like some blowball number 800 without even showing him the pound of weed he gave me the 800 I didn't see him for about three weeks

he came up to him like what are you talking about the guy was supposed to bring it to the bar no I left I go oh fuck I got to set this up all over again I'm sorry I the guy lives up in the fucking mountains I mean this went on for fucking years I owed this guy the 800 for years then I went to New York and he was part of the circle I hung out with so he knew I had gone to New York and I was dating a chick in the village and I would go over there on Sundays and one afternoon early was swapping spitting the phone rings and it's this fucking kid looking for his fucking 800 so I started making money orders to pay my child support but I would take the receipt and write his name on it and make a copy of it and mail it to him and say I told you I sent you

the fucking money on I told me this guy chased me down till about fucking 96 got nothing knows when he's going to show up. He hasn't even tortured me on social media. I wish you at least torture me on social media, but never give up. Careful what you wish for. No, the moral story is never give up. Some of the owes you 800, you hunt them down to the fucking day is over. That's it and that's that. Greetings from Podcastville. It's Tuesday, the 17th of motherfucking September. The church always brought to you by my bookie. Listen, If you found a yardstick on the street, would you pick it up, but would you keep walking like a fucking mutt?

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But I can tell you I can feel the CBD lion in me And the bounce when I was going from Dallas to San Antonio Go to CBD lion right now in Preston Church And get 20% off your first door It's that fucking simple all right Lee kick this motherfucker mule Rick O'Kasick RIP you bad motherfucker these two first hours destroyed me guys when i got the news last time i got a

because candio was there for me when you pick a soundtrack of your life can't be scandio's guys would be from like 70s like 80s like a tremors oh shit and this out the first one it's a fucking masterpiece from start to finish

start to fucking finish it's so easy to play up the breakdown it's so easy they can't do this today if they fucking want to do this Jesus Christ, this is like my freshman year. This was it.

This, Ted Nugent. Anyway, Rico Kasich, God bless you. Hope you're making the journey nice and easy. I'd like to thank Dallas and San Antonio for fucking a great two shows, great weekend. Listen, if you guys ain't got no energy, my show's going to suck. You guys went in there ready to kill a motherfucker. Both of years in San Antonio and Dallas. I knew I was in Texas as soon as I fucking landed.

You understand? The warmth of tech. You know when you... Every city has a certain special something Texas is just fucking sensational. Thank you very much if you came out to one of the motherfucking badass shows. I wanted to talk to you guys about something

a mistake I made on the podcast last week. Lee had asked me, we were talking about quitting things when you come to terms with whatever you're doing isn't working or you think isn't working because sometimes you'll think that something, something's not working right and it's because you're not again you're not giving it your 100%

if you give something 20 years 100% you still don't get nowhere it's time to evaluate your game you know when you evaluate it anywhere every five years you evaluate something happens now you got to bounce off that so it's pretty much day to day and it's all improvised but lee asked me a question he said if I thought there was somebody who should give up and I said a name I'm very sorry for giving out that name because I'm in no position to crush anybody's fucking dream I just said in a hypothetical way I set a plan up if that would have happened to me this is what I do nobody said for her to quit comedy what I meant for her was to there's a different way to do this sometimes you come to terms listen sometimes you're out here in LA you're on a fucking role

you're popping a show every year you're in the circle everything goes all right and guess what your fucking mom has a heart attack. So what are you going to do? You're going to sit out here like a month? No, you got to get on a plane. You got to cancel a weekend. You got to go see your fucking mom. And then while you're there, you understand that your mom is sicker than what you anticipate.

Now what? Now you've got to get your girlfriend to move into your house and walk your dog every day. And guess what? Now you have to change up your game. Nobody's saying that you have to quit comedy, but now you have to set up a plan to how is this going to make me? I still got to go on the road. You know, I'll have to put auditions on tape. And now you're like, I'm stuck here with mom for six, eight, or nine months or a year.

Do you quit? No, you just revamp your fucking game and you figure out a way to make it work for you. Those are one. That's one of, and this happens. I'm talking about whether you're an nutrition, whatever, you're always going to have to make changes somewhere along the line. So you have to improvise it's a day-to-day thing. Why do you think I hate making plans?

What are you doing next Thursday? I have no fucking idea, but I'm not making plans till next Wednesday. Because I don't know what I'm doing next Thursday. What if we make this whole plan, this whole hour on the books, and I'm popping audition Tuesday, and I'm fucked. So call me next Wednesday and we'll fucking ease the pain. I live like a fucking animal. Do I like it?

No, but that's the way I have to live. Now, I'm talking about the suggestion that you come out here and you give it your all, what you think is your all for 20 years, and you don't get to a certain place. and you've gone through your savings, you've gone through your inheritance, you know, things like this. Yes, there's time to sit down and say, maybe I made a bad call. But out of all this, I got one gift.

What if I take that gift and do something else with it? Well, okay, then take your comedy on cruise ships. Maybe you're better for corporate events. But there's never, you never quit, you know. Once a month, I always get an email from some. somebody who wants to be cute or a tweet or something. And they're like, hey, something. You know, at least you dated a band and their daughter.

You know, let me tell you something. There was every decision I've made since I was a kid was based on one thing. When I was about 11, I used to hang out at this guy's house. And one day he said, remember, you always want to walk on on your feet, then crawl out on your knees. I knew exactly what he meant by that at the age of 11. And it stuck with me. And one of the first things I quit was basketball when I was in love with it. I was in love with it, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But freshman, he didn't start me, and I got turned around and blah, blah, blah, blah. I got a lung infection, and yes, I got a bad taste in my mouth and I quit. Do I regret quitting today? Yes, I did. But before I quit, I was also very honest of myself. I took a look around on my family tree and there was nobody really over fucking six foot two in my tree.

I wasn't the fastest guy in the world. I could jump 40 inches and grab fucking rebounds like a motherfucker. But I knew this is going to be a hard uphill battle that at that age I wasn't prepared to fight and I didn't really want to go through the disappointment. So I continued to play basketball. I just didn't play it at a high school level. Okay.

I quit a thousand jobs every job wasn't good thank God I found comedy blah blah blah blah blah blah and then I had another situation pop into my life like I told you the last one got married divorced there was a very big mistake because a lot of people that didn't have to get hurt

got hurt by our actions when I went back I went back to New York in 93 to regroup again like I told you guys This is a life of regrouping. I had lost everything in the divorce. I was living with a friend of mine. I had my own bedroom.

I lived from day to day. There was days I just ate. I had a shoplift, the cheese that comes in the red wrapper, the Gouda cheese. I would shoplift two of those, and I'd get a, I'd have enough for a box of crackers, a little container of fresh squeeze orange juice. And I'd live off that all fucking day. You know, and 90, the end of 92, I had it really fucking hard. But it was all something I created upon myself.

I had gone through the credit cards. I had written checks. I had bounced checks. I had fucking a car that they were looking for to get repossessed. I had to hide it in the garage. It was just a life of fucking hell. The phone wouldn't stop bringing. Do you know what is to go to an open mic or a fucking comedy club?

And the comedy club owner when you walks in, gives you a piece of paper and says, hey, you just got a call. And it's a 1-800 number. And in your mind, you're thinking it's HBO. Somebody saw you from a movie. fucking TV show or something when you call it they're like hey it's Marty what happened to the $40 you were going to send me up for the Discover card payment I mean my life got to that fucking point so and my wife and I were not agreeing on things at the time and the boyfriend was

getting involved and I said you know what let me just take a breather when you want to take a breather in your life you go right back to your home you walk the streets you grew up in and it brings you back and gets your mom it gets your compass sent you Sometimes you have to get your compass centered. So I went back there and I got my compass centered. I kept doing comedy and I learned one thing that in New York, the open mic world is a fucking jungle. Colorado, now that I had been on the Colorado scene

and the New York scene, Colorado, I was getting a lot more action in Colorado. It was a lot better level of work. Yeah, I could do three open mics in one night, but what good is it, if it's for two more action, for a room full of comics. In Colorado, I was doing one show a night, but it was for a real audience. And I was at the third year level.

So it was a big difference, going from this point to this point. After I regrouped in New York, I put a little money away. I did a little drug heist with my man, D. Rago, God bless his soul, and I gave me a little bit of cash to go back to Colorado

with the intention of getting an attorney, fighting for my daughter, and doing comedy. That was the point. And the plan was to stay in Colorado. I was not looking to be famous. I was not looking to be George Carlin or any of the hot comics in that day, Jackie Flynn, or nothing like that. I just wanted to be a comic, make a living, live from city to city, do triple runs for the rest of my life.

Because I never thought I would be that good to be at that level. I was very, I was very, you know, that's the attitude I went back home to Denver with. Did you go to Denver just because of your daughter? Did you think about going out of other places? No, I went to Denver because I wanted to be a father. And I went back to Denver because I knew that when I went back to Denver, first of all, I didn't have to kill myself as hard to make a living. Like the living I was making in New York.

There was a lot of movement in my life. And again, going back to New York and addictions. New York, you know, the addiction was fed on every block. It was too easy to get anything. I get anything at any time. That's not good for me. I knew that wasn't good of healthy. Was I going to miss it?

Fuck yeah. But in Colorado, you had to work a little harder. But that wasn't the decision in that. The main decision was to go back and be a father. First off, I prayed to God that she had cooled down a little bit. That this seventh, eighth month window had given her a chance to step back and look at this for what it was. That maybe this guy just needs a chance. But no.

As soon as I got back, We started in the little money I put away, instead of it going to furniture and clothes, it went to an attorney's retaining. And for the next five, 12, and three, for the next 18 months, I lived in the state of fucking horror, anger, confusion, and shock. Not to mention, I'm an open mic.

I didn't quit because I was going through all this shit with her and my ex-wife. I just kept doing comedy. I knew that the closer, the more comedy I did, the closer I get to my goal. My goal was to become a functioning human being. Never mind the Coke. That was fine. I had accepted the addiction.

I just wanted to be a human being that worked, paid his bills. I wasn't looking for much money. I kept my nut low every month. I finally learned the value of keeping your nut low when I got divorced. You know, I didn't have a car payment. I had a pager. I had a fucking $400 apartment in Boulder. I mean, my nut was basically $800 a month, $900 a month.

I could fucking find $900 a month. That's my gift. I could find $900 a month. So I started doing well financially. What's well, Joey? Well was $25,000 a month. That was, you know, hustling, selling drugs. selling cars and a little bit of comedy picking up a five here a 10 here a 30 here so this whole time

I'm making fucking strides in my comedy life I'm getting healthier in Boulder I'm walking I'm hiking I'm swimming at north Hollywood pool north uh north Boulder YMCA whatever they had that like a north bold or something I'm doing everything in my life to cover the spread but what kept getting worse was my relationship with my ex-wife and my, you know, my ex-wife's husband. This kept getting worse and worse, worse and worse. And it would get good for a month and then it would go downhill. Listen, it was putting a big fucking stress on me. It was putting a big stress on her.

But the person that was getting stressed by this the most was my daughter Jacqueline. You know, it's so funny now in hindsight. my daughter has girlfriends she's six years old she's in the first grade and one of her girlfriends is a parent's went through a divorce you could see it in the kid the kid is walking around angry heartbroken throws fits it's horrible but it's not her fault you know she's in the middle of a divorce that's messy they yell at each other they curse with each other they don't talk to each other. So this leaks down into your child.

I started to notice that a little bit. Now there's another side of the story. They were trying to frustrate me and break me. They were trying to frustrate me and break me. They were trying to frustrate me and break me. They were trying to push me for me to make a bad move. I saw this. You know, when somebody does this to you constantly

and you're checking yourself, eventually one day you can't check yourself no more. you know we're all fucking human okay so uh the one day she called me he called me a spick behind my back and i found out now if it was anybody else who called me a spick i would not even confront you because i don't confront people who call me a stick a spick you're using you're telling me with your words how ignorant you fucking are so now of the ten times i don't react to racial slurs i never have as you know first of all they said it so much in jersey I just got fucking used to it.

But that was an excuse for me to light this motherfucker. Now, before I went into this light up mode, there was three or four months where I was living a horrible life because I was preparing their death. I was designing their death. This is murder one. This is not involuntary manslaughter. This is not manslaughter.

I could tell you. you on this microphone right now as a man that in 1995 I was designing my ex-wife and her husband today's death. It was on my mind constantly and it was starting to get up there with the comedy. At that time, my whole passion was comedy and being a father. That was my passion. I didn't have money to stay healthy. I lifted weights at the house. I swam at the Y. I walked. You know, it was a different life. I stay healthy because I was broke, to be honest with it, because 60% of my income went to fucking cocaine. But my main objective was writing, doing those gene parade workbooks, and I would do everything, you know, in the daytime, I wasn't busy hustling. And I really,

really, really wanted the responsibility of being a father. But the more I had stayed there, I could see this possibility was getting taken from me. Every day. day. It was getting taken from me. Now there was a point where she wouldn't tell the mother what we did on our afternoon and our weekends because she was scared. The mother would use it against me, so she stopped telling the mother. So the judge made me and her have to write a letter together and hand it to the mom when we exchanged visitation. There were all these little things that I could see that were affecting this little fucking five-year-old girl in a way that, listen, I'm no child psychiatrist, but I know when people change. I could tell that whenever we made the exchange, she'd always

put her head down, and, you know, it was just rough on her as a five-year-old. But in my mind, I was still designing their death. I was designing their debt, and by designing their debt, I was going to make them disappear, and then I would have to get custody. And that's how when you have that much anger in your heart and you have that much frustration and whatever, this is where your head goes. People talk about where suicide come from. Where's this side come?

You know, I know it's suicide prevention month, this month, the next month, you start getting these evil thoughts. My evil thoughts were not in harming myself, but I wanted to harm two people in the worst way ever. murder and they were going to disappear and my genius plot was to tie him to a tree and rub honey on them let the bears get them that was my genius plot okay me and another vietnam bet right now i'd be fucking get in the electric chair but something didn't sound right about it you know first off i grew up without a mother horrible existence finding out that your mother got fucking stabbed by your ex-husband

by your ex- by her ex-husband and your father is not a good way to fucking grow up that's not a good way to grow up you know never mind that your mom is gone and she was killed by your father that's not a smart way to fucking grow up and even though these little flashes popped into my mind the passion for me to murder them was fucking stronger

I mean I look back at this situation today and I'm in shock with these words but they were frustrating me so fucking much. I didn't know what to do, how to start this, how to end this. And this whole time, I got two felonies. You know what happens when you get a third felony? They give you that fucking whatever life of a felon sentence and you get 25 fucking years.

So I knew in Colorado I was dreading on thin fucking skin. So then came the luckiest day of my life. Really, when you look at it. He called me a spick behind my back. I drove there in front of my daughter. I raised my hand to this fucking guy. You know what was satisfied? The only person that satisfied was my inner desire to get revenge.

After the cops came and everything, I looked over, and then the car was this poor little five-year-old girl crying. I felt good for what I had done, but now that feeling had gone away once I saw that little fucking girl crying. So from that moment on for about a month You know now we had to record I didn't get to see her for two weeks Then when I did see it we kind of

I remember her saying to me that The morning after I hit him She went downstairs for breakfast And she was sitting there looking at John's black eye And she started giggling And yeah on the outside I giggled But inside it broke my heart Because she didn't need to see that

She didn't need to see that She didn't need to see that at all. And here I was wanting to fucking kill him. She just saw me smack the guy, and now she's reacting to it. You know, I had to tell her that I was on apologize, and I apologized to him one day, and the charges were dropped. And then in the middle of all that one day, they fucking took me to court for something completely irrelevant.

And that's when I won, you know, I won the fucking case. I went off on her. Even though I went off on her, I didn't feel fucking good about it. So now I got all these fucking signs telling me this is not gonna fucking work. But then life gave me the biggest sign of all. I got banned from the comedy works.

Now that was another month of thought. Now I knew how to change my life. At that time, I was already doing triple runs. And, but the goal was to, work out of the comedy works not mccal v not which end not the other club your goal at that time was to be at the comedy works and my foot was three quarters in and i get fucking thrown out of there so now i'm faced with the decision in this little one-bedroom apartment with nothing in the refrigerator but beer my decision was what i really wanted out of this life my decision was that i want to fucking go to

jail because I didn't go to jail that day. That case got thrown out. But the direction where we were going, I was going to go to jail. And guess what? At one point that I accepted it, I thought, fuck it, I'll get a fax machine sent in. I'll write jokes for Jay Leno and I'll make $35 a day writing fucking jokes. Good luck. This is how demented my mind was. When I think back at these times, I have to shake my head, but I also think of people that think about that, those type of thoughts in a different way, and they're doomed to themselves. That's what that taught me, especially when you question somebody doing suicide. You start thinking to yourself, like, wait a second, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was committing suicide in a different way because I was going to go to jail for the rest of my life.

That's suicide. You being locked in a fucking cell the rest of your life. Yeah, you still got communication. You still got TV. You still make fucking three pennies an hour and you're still eating. But being in jail, you have no life. You wasted a fucking life. You wasted a life because of a fucking impulsive fucking action that you did.

You wasted a life and you probably ruined the lives of three or four others. So I knew all these things. But I was faced with a tough fucking decision, man. I really wanted to be a fucking dad. I really did but was the desire of me being a dad to beat her

or did I really really really want to be a dad that was the fucking question so I looked around my apartment I looked at my fucking refrigerator and I'm going to the bank that night and putting my ATM card in

and I couldn't even take a 20 out because I had like $18 for years I had an ATM card with $18 dollars on it. Not even enough to take a fucking 20. I could buy like a slice of pizza if I was in a bind. I looked around my apartment. I had to borrow

a car to pick her up on Wednesdays or rent one and borrow one to pick up on her to get her one on the weekends. You know, I was living this fucking life. You know, I was borrowing from Peter to pay poor. Was I

really a fucking father? What if? What if I paid her back. What if I beat her in court and got more visitation? Did I really have the time to be a dad? I wanted to be a comic. I wanted to be a comic. And it broke my fucking heart. It broke my fucking heart. But then the middle of that whole process, I came up with something else. I'm never going to be her dad the way things are going, the way I want to be her dad. I'm I'm just going to be that man.

I'm not going to have a say in her first communion. I'm not going to have it. I mean, at that point already, she was five. I had never been invited to an event. If there was an event that this kid had at school or at a fucking reunion or at the Girl Scouts or whatever the fuck you've been involved with, I was never invited.

I was just a guy she saw on Wednesdays and Saturdays. That's what I felt like, and that's what it felt like at the time. So I had to decide what I wanted to do. And I came up with a decision. I came up with the same decision I came up with 1985. In 1985, I was fucking lying to myself for six years

about this money I was going to get that my dad was going to give me. I would lie to my friends and tell them, oh, fucking any day now I'm getting half a mill or 28, Mill, there was nothing coming to me. The only thing I was going to get was fucking dick. That's all I was going to get. I wasn't going to get nothing. And finally in 85, I had the balls to tell myself, I'm lying to myself.

If the money's going to be there, I'll get it someday in the future. If I got the money coming to me, I'll earn it. I'll go out there and earn it. It'll come to me. I'll get an half. I thought, I kept adding these numbers that my stepfather is going to give me this amount of number in my head. and I just drove myself crazy with it. But when I got on that,

People's Express flight, I'll never forget looking at the pavement in Newark Airport and saying, you know, I'm never going to come back here unless I get my life together, unless I get my life together. And the next time, it took me six years to come back, and the next time I come back,

I'm going to come back here, man, now leave here like I left the fucking punk. I still walked out of here on my legs. I didn't crawl here on my knees, but I walked out of here a fucking punk. But I made that decision that if the money was going to come to me, it would come to me

I would earn it at some point in my life. And I left it at that. I never worried about the money again. Never, ever, ever did I worry about money again. It was just something that we used every day. I was too involved with fucking money and how I wanted that quick fucking pay. Everybody wants that quick, big chunk.

You're not going to get it. You're not going to get it. Not the way you're thinking. So forget about it right now. You're not going to get it. Not the way you're thinking. These people that think they're going to come up with $200,000 in three weeks. They're going to hit the lot.

Very few. There's a way to do it, but very few can accomplish it. I couldn't. So you work and you strangle it out. And today, here we are. I'm 56. So. I had to make the same decision for Jackie, myself, and what was right for the situation at hand.

I could have deal with myself. I knew I had nowhere to go comedically in Colorado. I could have spent another two or three years developing. I knew that. I knew that big time before I could make a move. I had put those plans upon myself. I knew it was a seven year until you get the fuck out of. here. That's why I was just buying time. But I couldn't live there anymore because something bad

was going to happen. Somewhere along the line, something bad was going to happen, and it was going to ruin all the work I had put into comedy already. So I made a deal of myself. I said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to Seattle. I'm going to come back every couple months and see my daughter. I'm going to pay my child support. I'm going to call her during the week. I'm going to set up a scheduled a call her during the week and I'll come back in September to work to be a sports betting service again and you know razor and then do comedy on the side let me just go to Seattle for a few months to get my feet wet this situation is not getting any better here it's getting worse I'm having horrible fucking thoughts you know and let me tell you

I was living with these thoughts since like Christmas. They were haunting me, guys. Haunted me. Haunted me. It changed who I was. The only thing that didn't change was that I didn't stop doing comedy. But if you came and spoke to me when I was off stage, you knew there was something off.

Because after two minutes of talking to me, I would bring it to my ex-wife and my kids and give you the earbeaten that you'd never even ask for in your fucking life. I'm sorry if I gave you a knee a beat in that time of my life, but I gave out a lot of them because it was all that was on my mind. I could talk about it all fucking day, how man I was, how she took this picture of Cuba and sold her for $37. I was just angry, and now that they were trying to take away my kid,

and I could see where it was going, and she had already made offers to me. Why don't you just sign the paperwork, give her up for adoption, and you don't have to pay child support, and you lose all your rights. That's what she wanted from day one. So we were not in a good place. So my plan really, really, really between us as family. There was no abandonment here.

There was nothing. The plan was to come back in September. As soon as I left, that phone schedule we discussed on the phone, the phone would ring for hours. There was no answer. I would leave messages. I called the boss in Seattle, and I asked him when he wanted me back,

and he told me he wanted me back. Labor Day weekend, the first weekend of football. I go how much time, because I was already experienced, there's no reason to train me, and there's no reason to sit there during preseason football. I told I'd get my timing back after a week or two, and then I'd get going. Well, I had never done a feature spot before in my life.

I'd always hosted. I had done a short feature weekend in Michigan where I had to do 15 minutes, but I had never done a 30 minute spot I was in comedy four years already and nobody had ever hired me to do a 30 minute spot and it's all I ever wanted this fucking life was a 30 minute fucking spot

if I could just do one fucking 30 minute spot I can prove that I'm a fucking peter act I didn't have any problem what I'm saying but I could just prove to myself that because with comedy art music when you're first starting out, it's the little things. You know, when I talk to Lee some nights,

I go, how'd you do it tonight? I do strongly, I go, I got an applause break. To leave right now, that's big. That's what keeps him waking up every day to go do it again and try it again. It's little things that keep you going. And then the more you get into comedy, you'll notice, or the more you get into art

or plumbing or whatever, you'll notice that the gaps for successful things happening, widens. Like now little things happen, but they don't happen every other week. They start happening once a month, and it just builds your doubt and doubt and doubt. So I had all these things going on.

I mean, it was a fucking horrible feeling. And then one June fucking day, I had already met the stripper over a Memorial Day weekend. She was on her way to visit me. and like the first week of June I picked the baby up and I took her across the street there was like a little bicycle field

and all this shit that was by North Boulder Park there and we went around the block because that's why I was taking a play at North Boulder Park it was right behind where I lived there and I took her to North Boulder Park and while she took off on the bike

I go Jackie come back and she just sped away with me with this fucking helmet to the point where I had to chase her. And she's like, no, leave me alone. No, leave me alone. And finally, when I did catch up to her and stop her, I go, what's the matter?

And she spit in my face. And at that moment, I knew that this was not going. Whatever thoughts I had were fucking confirmed. I have to go away. I have to do something with my life. When I say do something in my life, you did not hear the word getting clean. Getting clean was not my vocabulary. I wanted to do something with my life so I could prove to myself and to my daughter that I was a good person, that I wasn't the person that they were drawing me out to be.

So when the stripper came, she stayed for a week. She went to Seattle. Her first phone call was when I got here, I looked in the paper, and all there is is comedy places. She goes, I walked past the comedy underground, I walked past giggles, and it was like a week of thinking about it and where I was. And the last couple visits with my daughter were not the best visits. Ever since that smacked the John's face, it was just, it was not happening. you know I was working by myself she had the mother the boyfriend my her grandmother and grandfather I had a lot of people working against me at this time but I wasn't given them

any reasons to give me a chance to be honest with you so I did the easiest thing in the back of my mind I was only going to Seattle clean up two months tighten my shit up maybe make a little money and came back that didn't even come close I put away enough money to leave on September 5th. I was on leave like on September 3rd and then leave Carol up there, which I knew she'd cheat on me a thousand times. I would leave Carol up there and I would come back in February after football season. But then something weird happened. I used to write her letters.

As a matter of fact guys, I have a box of letters that I found. that I made copies of over the years. I went to a, after we went to court a couple times, we both had to go see like a marriage counselor and shit like that to report back to the court, and I explained to them my fears about me, my daughter being taken away from me, how little things were starting.

And he goes, name one of them to me. And I go, when I was in New York, I would mail her letters, and she would tell me she never got the letters. And he goes, well, then do yourself a favor before you mail her a letter, make a copy of it and save him for her. And one day when you reconnect with her,

show the letters with the dates on the letters that you sent them, you know? So I took his advice, and this is what I did. You know, and she had said something to me. Like I sent her, in those days, I don't know what was popular, some type of toy or something she wanted. I sent her a toy with a letter or something. And she said she didn't receive it. This is the seventh time I had sent some, and she didn't receive it.

It was just getting too coincidental. And then I got a call from John Fox to book her this comedy underground. And he goes, what are you doing on Labor Day weekend? And I go, I'll be back to Boulder by the thing. He goes, oh, it was a shame. I was going to offer you the weekend at the comedy underground. And I said, can I call you back on one hour? But mark me in.

I got it. I just got a double check with a date. And I hung up the phone. He goes, you have one hour to call me back. They paid $250 for five shows. It was $15 a show to do 30 minutes on Labor Day weekend. The headline was Lori Kilmartin, who I still see around town fucking kicking it. She's a tank.

She's a beautiful woman. The funny thing was that required thought. I really had to think about hard for an hour. And that's when it came to me that I was just never going to. to be I wasn't even fucking father material who the fuck was I to be a father to a little girl I wasn't father fucking material I was never going to get to be this girl's father but I only have one shot at my dream I only have one shot at this fucking dream that's it one shot I was 33 years old 32 years old not my I had nothing else going on but I was already making waves locally in denver

I was already getting high and there's a feature in Denver. People were paying me at bars to be the guy before the headliner in Denver. I was starting at 50s and 40s and 65s and 75s. I was already really earning my stripes. I had worked very, very hard

to get to where I've gotten. If you talk to an open mic comic, they'll tell you how hard it is to come up with 25 minutes and now you're not doing open mics no more. Like I wasn't doing it. In New York, I was doing laundry mats and fucking hamburger harries and all this shit. Now I was doing bars in Denver with 80, 90 people with a real headliner

that the bar paid $200 bucks on a fucking Wednesday night or a Tuesday night on an off night. So I was just working my ass off. And here I got a call and I had to decide. I said, okay, what I'll do is I'll take the feature week and then I'll leave right after that. And right after the feature week, for some reason, John Fox came up to the week and watched me, and he goes, hey,

I just want to ask you, do you want to do the Seattle comedy competition? So here I was with another tough decision. What is the case? Seattle Comedy Competition? It's in November. You know, so I stayed and did the Seattle Comedy Competition.

I took a sixth. Was I ready to go back? I got beat by Aisha Taylor. She took a fifth. Was I prepared to go back? to Boulder, whatever. Yeah, I was going to go back to the holidays. But then I got arrested.

I got arrested in Seattle for domestic violence, assault, you know, some stupid shit at a bar with the strippers' ex-fucking boyfriend, so they called it domestic violence. You know, embarrassed and that is? And I sat in jail for 30 days, and my ex-wife found out about that. I had a call away. She had to accept the charges, collect all. I had Josh Wolf send my daughter a teddy bear.

I had to pay Josh Wolf to fucking send my daughter a white teddy bear. And Josh Wolf did it. And then I had to call a friend of mine in Boulder to call my wife to let him know that she was going to expect to collect call from me that I was in a fucking thing up in Seattle when she asked me what you got arrested for. And I told her, she said, well, it doesn't look like you're going to really, ever get this kid and she giggled and I knew what time it was so there was no abandonment at all at no

point I think maybe a month after that I went back to Boulder the visitor I booked the plane I flew from CTAQ Airport into Denver and I rented a car I borrowed a friend of mine's credit card rent to the car in those days you could use somebody's card and I went to Boulder and I stayed on a friend's floor and I was there for five days and I'm many times I saw my daughter in five days, zero. I would do that every six months and three visits, you know how many times I saw? Zero. There was always an excuse. There was always, you have to hire an attorney and start from scratch again. There was always something. There was no abandonment. And then while I was in Seattle at some point, I got a call one day that she's

moving to England because a stepfather got a job in fucking England. And then I didn't have contact with her and then I moved to LA and that's when we started contact there was never never ever no abandonment guys so before you try to fucking be cute and throw that jab at me there was never no abandonment I never had nothing to work with in the first place the only thing I had that was going for me was the comedy and even though my mind was in a dark place and my heart was broken and I was sad. I would force myself to go on fucking stage. And remember the pain I was going through then,

dug up the pain from my mother. I was living with triple fucking pain. And I would still smoke a joint. I'd cry a little bit, smoke a joint, and I would force myself to go on fucking stage. You know? I accepted it for what it was. I finally got a hold of her in England.

We spoke a couple times. and then when she moved back to the States, it was radio fucking silence. I left a few messages, and there was radio silence. I let him in the mail one day saying that I owed $92,000 to child support. What they didn't know of my ex-wife was accounted, I didn't have a back account.

I would have to check cash all my checks and a check cash in place on Whitley in Hollywood. It's still there. I knew everybody in there. I was friends with everybody. I used to go behind the class. That's how much they knew me. and I

I looked at the bill and it said I hadn't paid child support in like fucking a year and my wife you know who's fucking the real deal she's like

I see you mail the money orders how the fuck is she get because I was mailing them to a house I was supposed to be mailing them to some PO box in Boulder that was legit

and they would cut a check and send it to her so I was sending her the money so obviously she said she didn't get the money she said she didn't get the money she said she had never gotten the money. Now at that time she didn't need the money. She would have just taken

those and ripped them up. I didn't even bother checking the cash, or check, uh, checking the things. We went back to the check cash in place. Check cash in place, none of those money orders had ever been cashed. So what we did was we got a list of the money orders and my wife drew up an affidavit and we got a notary republic and we had to send it to fucking bolder child services and then they knocked off the fucking 90,000 off the bill. They accused my wife for some shit. And that's when I live with. But then something

really weird happened. I got basketball. I got a couple movies. And I wouldn't call the brag. I just thought that by this time, that would be enough to improve myself to that. That I had changed.

Even though I was snort and coat, there was no arrest. There was nothing. I was living in Los Angeles for all knew you know I was living with pain that's what was that's what had me fucking doing blow every night and all this shit was living with pain or what I had done and guilt and then something happened in 2004 I booked the fucking longest yard I took a couple pictures on set wrote like a two or three page letter and you know and I sent the fucking letter and I called and again there was no fucking

response so the dream worked out for me on my end I got the way I had to go the only part of the dream was me winning her over at the end you know and I don't I don't got I hope you guys don't understand this is just because I had gotten three or four movies I could win her over it wasn't because of the movies I wanted her to know that I had changed my life around and I had worked hard to get to where I'd got. But by that time, it was too late. Our relationship was damaged goods. And then came another series of more pain

and more addiction and more whatever. And then I think after writing about it for a year in journals and notebooks and whatnot, I finally loosened up the pain and I loosened up the addiction. I came to terms of what I had. And after about two years of being clean, I started thinking around.

Now I was the complete person. Now I was doing comedy. Wasn't successful by no means. But I was doing comedy. I had been in a few movies. I had done the work and I was clean. It was time to me to confront her like a man and whatever. By confronting, I don't want no problems.

I did not want to stop her at school and embarrass her and get into an argument. I just reached out. But before I reached out this time, I wanted to confirm some suspicion. was suspicious. So I called a few friends of mine. They referred me to a private investigator.

I gave the private investigator retainer, and I had them confirm my suspicions. And my suspicions were all true. You know, even when they had her in high school, they had her living out by Truman University, wherever the fuck that is, because that's where she went to school, was at Truman University.

So they had given out that address so I couldn't hunt it down in Colorado. The first thing the guy said to me was, they're trying to hide her and they hit her really good doesn't have a Facebook page has a Twitter page private no tweets no nothing I've sent the endless tweets endless whatever the relationship just went kaput and there was nothing I could do about it but I wanted to know what I believed in my heart fully and I wanted you guys to understand why I am in my heart with this situation I never abandoned that child if you know anything about me

and my loyalty issues to my friends in Jersey, you know that I don't abandon nobody. I'm not abandon anybody unless you abandon yourself from me. And that's exactly what she did. And you guys, when you check my Twitter, I hit her on Twitter every three months. I thought of calling the mother last Monday on the 30th anniversary between you and I.

And I said, what would I get from it? a joke, to feel bad, or how to say something bad for me to insult her. You know what? In some situations, you got to let dogs lie. You know, I think the fourth or the second step of AA is to call all the people you hurt and apologize. Till this day, even in my personal life, I apologize to as many people as I could. There's still a few people that an apology isn't really going to change what happened to our relationship, because I ruined when I did the action that I did.

So that's how I live with myself today. I live with myself that I knew that I didn't abandon her. I did the commitment of my child support, and I tried. I still remember going to Houston for the first time. And there was a fucking thing that was really popular in, like a bunch of these little stuffed animals. They had them in all different horses. Beanie babies?

Beanie babies. And there were rare ones. People were collect this item. And she wanted a specific beanie baby. And Lee will tell you, I don't want to get on no buses. I don't want to do none. I was so fucking broke as a feature act. So I hopped on a bus and went across town to a different mall before my flight.

Wow. Just to get her this little beanie baby white horse or whatever. And again, I sent it. And something must have happened to it in the mail. We never got it. So it was always something. So I never gave up. And in my heart, I never gave up.

Hey, it's not my fault that at 50 God decided to give me another chance and throw a daughter my way. It's not my fucking fault. So I guess the void that was left by Jacqueline is now filled by mercy. My ex-wife got what she wanted. She wanted me to be away from her and to be raised without me in her life and for her to raise her on her own with another man and to start a family and be a different human being. And my wife got that. And guess what I got?

I got the career that I wanted. I got off cocaine and I got so all parties involved were happy. You and I both know that's not the truth. you and I both know that there's going to be blowback at my daughter on my daughter it might not be today it might not be tomorrow but that someday the skeletons you sweep in the closet will come back to bite you in the ass

they always do that's why you got to check on that's why you got to check on your skeletons from time to time because you don't want them checking on you so how long can she walk around knowing that her real father is out there you understand me so somewhere along the line they're going to pay for their sin also because this comes back to bite you in the ass later

when you abandon a child or you don't abandon a child or you abandon somebody you know they don't want me to contact her or they don't you know I don't have a restraining or nothing like that I get on the plane right now I know exactly where she lives I know exactly where she works

I know where she sells real estate I get on a plane today and stalker and tell them what I'm telling you people. I do not want to do that. That would just create more of a fucking, that would just fit into the illusion that they think this is what they want me to do.

To really embarrass myself for her to call the cops on me. This is what they bait me to do by doing what they're doing. Me, I'm old enough to know that sometimes you got to plant the seed and let it fucking grow. And watch it. Keep your honor. Water it.

Feed it. Make sure it has sunlight and see where it ends up. I know this now that I'm at this age. I wouldn't want to not be a father now because I want to go to Denver and stab somebody. All those feelings have gone away. They're long gone. The anger, the frustration, the confusion about all this. It's gone away. I made peace with it. So before you think you're being cute next time, you throw a message at me about a band of me, Jackie, if you know anything. about me. I don't abandon anything. Twenty-eight years. I don't abandon comedy. I mean, George Kaladinsky, Timmy Holloway, James V. Asclees, Devo, you know, fucking gear, lubs,

you know, the gallows, all these people. It's been 40-something years, and my loyalty still stands to them. I'm very hurt because I don't speak to my daughter. I would love to have in my life. I don't think we could be that close. I don't think we could repair. I think it would be a slow process, you know, but just to have her call or check in, let me know what she's feeling if I could help her out with anything. That would be a great feeling too. But for today, we'll leave it where it is. Why? I understand what you're saying, everything you're saying, but people say crazy shit to you online and personal all the time. Why did this one strike a nerve?

It made me laugh. It made me laugh that there's people walking around that, you know, with all the stories I tell on here about being a fiend and finger-banging Indians and getting yeast infections and fucking kidnapping people in a chunk of a car, that that's what you would pick. You know, that's the most hurtful thing you could say. 20 years ago was the most hurtful thing that you could say to me.

Not now. When you say a statement like that to me today, like the guy who said it the other day, I told him I would hate to be him because how angry do you have to be deep down inside to make that statement at somebody? Maybe he was having a bad day. Maybe his wife left him for the Mexican loan mower man.

Who knows? But for somebody to make that statement, when we were talking about something completely different, something completely different. He could have attacked me at 20 different levels. That's the level he thought, and I even answered him correctly. Like I said that, I didn't say, fuck you, or suck my dick or nothing, because I felt fat bad for him.

I felt that if that's where his head is at, Jesus fucking Christ, it's a Thursday morning. Thursday way, and I looked at his profile pick, and he was a fucking stiff, but that doesn't matter. Me being that guy at Thursday morning, I'm not even responding to me. You know, at that age, I'm not even responding to me. I'm going out getting my dick sucked.

I'm making money. I'm jumping up and down. He ain't doing that, obviously. He's finding the time to be spiteful. Right. So it's like Steve Simonsors. All you can do is pray for those motherfuckers. That's all you can fucking do.

Listen, it's Tuesday. Get your shit together. It's the fucking 17th of the month already. Before you know, it's going to be Halloween. And when you wake up, there's going to be fucking Christmas advertising because, hey, nobody makes money selling turkeys. You know what I'm saying?

Halloween candy's already out. Halloween fucking candies around. I know you got, I know you got... I got a taste test the first batch, yeah. Sure, just to make sure the chocolate's good. I know how you are. For the kids, you don't want them to get upset. But that's it, and that's that.

That's your Tuesday fucking morning podcast or late Monday night. However the fuck you want to use it, I just wanted to get that out and let you know where I was in my world because that's what I, you know, I've been writing this shit out lately because in between the book

and the one-man show for a lot of people who don't know this Wednesday at the comedy so it's already sold out. The third Wednesday of every month I'm gonna go up there I mean right now I think I counted the last I think I got something like 40 something

stories written out and I'm writing a book at the same time and I think I got up to 88 stories that I have to move around and find where they work at this one-man show So September, October, November, and December, the third Sunday of every month at 8 o'clock or 7.30, I check the website. I will be working out my one-man show.

It's just a night of fucking stories. Chronological, I'm going to mix them around. I got shit I want to try. So it's just going to be a workshop. I really wanted to do at the World Famous Comedy Store. What my intentions is with this workshop is to get it kind of down by maybe March or April and then maybe put it somewhere in New York City for like a three-week run off, off Broadway. That's what I like to do.

I've always liked that idea. I suggested this to Richard Jenny because he was such a great storyteller. I thought he could wipe, I thought he could fucking pick up like his arm and wipe his ass with him. so now instead of Jenny doing it God rest of soul I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is and I'm gonna try the same fucking thing hopefully in a few weeks by doing it at the store

in fact I gotta call a guy today I'll pick up a director to help me with a couple things you know this first three months isn't gonna be movement of lights or is that you within the darkness it's not gonna be none of that shit this is just gonna be a fat fuck telling stories

some are gonna be funny some are gonna make you cry someday gonna make your fucking jaw drop and eventually we'll put them all together and then we'll fucking put it on off off off off off Broadway and work ourselves to Broadway all right together as a podcast and the church family is how you do it so I appreciate all your

motherfucking support again I had a great time in Texas this weekend majestic theater was beautiful and the Aztec theater was sensational it was a taco truck outside the Aztec theater so they got a Three fucking tacos. They were tremendous with salsa, a lot of lettuce.

It was just a great fucking weekend. Listen, you never go wrong in Texas. But next up is another city where I never fucking go wrong. And that's Chicago, baby boy. We're doing a Chicago theater. Kay Quigley, Dean Doe Rizzy, we're going in there. We're going to light that fucking town on fire. Edible juice, vapors.

Kay Quigley's going to show her monkey. It's going to be fucking tremendous. Even if I got to shoot a bottle rocket out of it, We're doing something with Quake Cleese's monkey that weekend. It's over. She's fucking roller skating with a bikini on. We're doing something. You're going to know we get the town when we get the town. So go to Chicago Theater.com, whatever the fuck it is. Chicago Theater. Do not go to these other companies. Some girl came up to me and broke my heart and fucking whatever. She said she paid $400 for tickets at some place. If you pay any more than $35 for me without the fucking ticket, like without a fucking ticket. this whatever service fee listen please don't do that please don't do that I'll be back I'll be back you see me on a schedule on an improv could get a ticket and get a plane and spend a weekend what you love her and come down and make me one of the things you want to see but do not pay oversized I am not worth $200 it is not worth it do not put more money in a scalper's hand

than when you're putting in my fucking hand why would you do something like that do not. I'm telling you right now. When it's sold out, it's sold out. Don't go to those secondary fucking websites because they just want to rob you. I don't get nothing from that. My agent doesn't get nothing from that. Nobody makes a fucking dime from that. So either you pay the 2850 plus the service fee or the 32 plus the service fee. You know, I don't keep my tickets over $35. What they do in Vegas is completely different at the, you know, Vegas, everybody's tickets are fucking $80 $1. So whatever Treasure Island does, I'll be there for February 28th. But I'm not, I'm not worried about that. What I'm telling you, motherfuckers, is next Friday of 27th, Chicago

motherfucking theater. But now to a word from our sponsors. First off, listen, great fucking first week of football, great second week of football. Now you're going into your fucking third week. You're scratching your head. Joey, I could have won again last week. You're full of shit, bitch. My bookie, it's fast, it's easy, and they pay when you win. Let's face it. Where you're betting is as important as who you're betting on. If you're trying to bet on the NFL, baseball, MMA, whatever, my bookie's got it. I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them if they weren't the best.

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I want you to have a great weekend. A great week. We'll be back either Wednesday or Thursday morning. I might surprise you this week. And that's it and that's that, motherfuckers. Don't forget the Chicago Theater, September 27th, 8 p.m. K Quigley, Dean Doe Rizzi, who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Kick this, Mulele. Rick O'Kasick. Rest and peace, I love you.