The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #722 - April Macie

Episode Date: September 26, 2019

April Macie, a stand up comedian seen on Last Comic Standing and recently released her special as part of 'Tiffany Haddish: She Ready' on Netflix, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:    Upstart.com - The revolutionary new lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Go to www.upstart.com/church to see how low your rate is. Checking your rate doesn't affect your credit score.   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

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It's a Thursday morning, motherfuckers. Let's do this. You need cooler. April Macy. The Christ killer. Uncle Joey Back to schooling Just don't do it like this

No more Oh, a whole lot of love What the fuck you've been April Mason? Oh, I've been traveling I've been on the road since 2006 My face has been on the road Every weekend almost I always do that you did a lot of the troops

And all that stuff Yeah, I've been to 67 countries Wow Iraq, Saudi, Kuwait, Djibouti I've been to Korea four times almost got beat up by a store owner who accused me being too fat to fit his garments. And then Ida had to step in and save me from this Korean man who wanted to beat me down in his store. Jesus.

Do you go with Steve Simone? Because I know he did a lot of those stores. No, I've always done like lady tours, a lot of lady tours. And you really like them. I do. I've seen pictures of you shooting guns. I didn't hit anything. I was like, oh, what did I hit?

And the guy was like, nothing, ma'am. You didn't hit a thing. I'll never forget, like, when I first met you. you know, I mean, you're still very beautiful, and I remember bumping into you and another friend of mine, and you're like, yeah, we're going over there to do tours, and I'm like, I feel so bad for these soldiers. Oh, hi, I brought my tits over.

They were happy. I know that. Those soldiers are going to go fucking AWOL. It's like that one fucking soldier in Apocalypse now when they landed. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I threw them off the helicopter. Those are guys when you leave.

I'm coming with you. Oh, I would have brought a few back. No, I know. They were a few handsome fellas. You kept going. I'm like, she must be going. Oh, they're just torturing. I never banged one.

I never banged one, but there was one in a commissary where I was like, oh, yeah, that's the one I'd sit on his face. That's the one. Are you allowed? Do they tell you not to? I mean, you just don't. I don't know if any other ladies did, but I didn't want to, like, sneak off in a base in Iraq with my helmet and my Kevlar vest and just pound some stranger.

seemed like not appropriate. When you do these things, are you scared at all? I was only scared in Saudi. Like when you do Iraq, you're on U.S. military bases and installations, and they do all the clearance, and you're flying in Blackhawks, and there's like dudes that are, you know, they have a bunch of guns on them. But when you go to Saudi, you're just like with this Korean dude, who's your MWR rep, taking you to downtown Riyadh.

And then some guy came up to me in downtown Riyadh, and he's like, you steal, I'll cut your hands off. And I was like, oh, you can just say that to a white face. lady in Saudi. So I was a little scared. I was a little more scared because you're not on base and they can't have uniformed soldiers with you at all. So you're just whatever MWR rep you get. Jesus Christ. You do clubs and then mix in. I mean, I've traveled throughout. I've done like shows in Europe and Australia and Southeast Asia and then every state here. I'm always pedaling my dick jokes from town to town. You've been in every state all 50. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all states.

50. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I'm missing a couple. I'm missing Hawaii. You do all those. I've done them all. I've done the mall. You've never done Hawaii?

No. Okay. I did like... Hawaii, I've done New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma. I don't think I've been to Arkansas. Okay. Done some weird shows. Mississippi, I did.

No, I did Little Rock. Yeah. See, there you go. I did Little Rock the Funny Bowl. I think you'd be surprised if you go. through and you're like, I think I probably have at some point in your life. I knew I was close years ago. I knew there were just a couple of states missing, but now, because I even went to Alaska.

Yeah, no, I did Alaska, but it was my last one. Chuku Charlie's, like a motherfucker. I did some weird theater, but I think like some Elda Barge cover band was in town, and we got upstaged by some weird cover band that our show is a real stanker. It's a fun town, Alaska. You remind me, I gotta get a theater. It was beautiful. It is fucking beautiful.

I wanted to do some dog sleds. And the fish is fucking delicious. Yeah, right out of... There was a place right across that grilled fish for you. It was still flapping. No Japanese people. They were white. They were just cooking big fat dudes.

A fish all fucking day. But I remember that I went up there with a stripper. Okay. I dated a stripper at the time. Yeah. This is 95 when I went to Alaska. 96. I opened up with Todd Jordan.

He's still a dear friend of mine. and we stayed at the condo, but the big attraction was the strip club there. Okay. Because in 95, there was three women to every one man. Oh, wow. There was some statistic in those years, if you look it up. They might be the other way around. People were moving to Alaska because there was tons of pussy.

Yeah. And nobody to fuck it. And what happens is when the ships come in, those chicks make $20,000 a night. Really? Yeah. on the fishing boats or the sailors or something just that was the reputation so i dated a stripper yeah and half the girls from seattle at that time we were living in seattle myself josh wolf a couple of us living up there and she was saying that just how if you live in seattle or when i think up and let's

just keep it in the pacific northwest so i don't get fucking you could if you're a young man and you're in shape you get a job on a fishing for a few months for a few months it's dangerous work but people approach me when I lived in Seattle tons of work make your money and come back yeah you go out for 30 days you come back with I don't know 10 grand I'm just drawing about that something that you would not make if you worked two jobs here yeah you just went for 60 days and you come back cash and then people would just get addicted it's you know 60 days 20,000 dollars you work for 60 days yeah you shit in a little room, you smell feet, you smell ass, but you sacrifice. You know, if you watch that show, what's that?

The king crab fisherman, the deadliest catch. Deadliest catch, yeah. That was an option for men for the strippers in Seattle. Just wait it out. They would get flown up to Alaska. The club would come to Seattle and go, give me the 10 hours of bitches because they want when the ships come in, whoever it, whoever, whatever, whatever, whatever, was whether it was the big fishing boats or the service i don't know what it is so don't quote me

they wanted the chicks to be ready yeah you're all horned up if you've been on a boat with dudes catching fish all they have cash yeah it was like three the strip club was like a downstairs but it looked like an old hookah house like they would have VIP room and then they would stand outside and it was a pretty neat place like an old brothel yeah it was like an old brothel style, but that's all I remember from fucking Alaska. Joku Charlie's just dying. I just got some boots.

That's all I remember. There were no titties. Just I bought a pair of boots, some winter boots. So, like, as people have been doing it a while, for a new comic, do you guys wish you had spent more time traveling and all these places? Because not many people get to go to every

50 state. Like, that's like a weird thing that comics get to do, and it doesn't seem that weird, but like, Do you wish you had experienced more of these places or do you just? No, I feel like when I, I mean, if it's a good city, if I'm going to some shithole, you're like, oh, I'm just going to hide out in my courtyard mariont and eat snacks off my tits all day. But I feel like if you're in a good city, you always go and, because most people want to show you around, especially if you're going to a comedy club or you're doing a military thing, you're like climbing on planes or you're having you run with the dogs that drug dogs that bite people. Like, I feel like you're always involved in some shenanigans on the road. I don't feel, I feel like I've done a ton of shit.

Okay. I don't feel like I've laid down enough in the last 17 years. I really like you. Yeah. And I know that when you travel, you really enjoy yourself. No. But you, yourself, have met other people that you know they travel so that they seem interesting. Yeah.

Those motherfuckers I don't like. I just like travel. I like to travel, but I don't, I'm scared of international travel, just on a personal level. just on a personal level. Are you? Don't trust it. Really? I went to Jamaica.

I saw the chickens. I wouldn't eat food. I start myself in those countries. I don't like... Is there anywhere, like, that you would want to go? I love to go to England. Okay. Really?

I love to see, like, Birmingham, England. I love to see, like, the studios. Oh, okay. Where they recorded Pink Floyd albums and that Zapp on all that stuff. I'd love to go to the Motherland, Ireland. Okay. I'd love to go to Israel and go to the wall and pray and meet some hard Jews. Okay.

Don't fuck around. Let me plan a trip for you to Ireland and the UK. I think I like to go. I got no passport. Remember, I got 89 felonies. So I see. I'm like your husband. All right.

For me to travel, I could travel, okay? But it's going to cost me a year of courts and downtown and paperwork. And at the end of the week, how much do I really want to travel? Not that much. When people travel, the first thing I say to them is, how is the food? Well, England's not. England's kind of shitty. I don't trust people over here.

You imagine me in another fucking country? That's how I'd lose with. I just govel. I'll gobble anything. You give me a food cart. You give me a man with dirty hands. I'll eat whatever. Like, I never get sick.

I see where Anthony Bourdain used to go and the chubby little gay dude. Yeah. You know, that shit drives me crazy. I walk down the street at your chicken's leg. You're not going to do it. And people are dipping in barbecue sauce. I'm on a plane. Yeah.

I'll try it. I get creeped out by all that stuff. But I will tell you my personal opinion on something. And whether you agree with me or not, I love the United States of America. And when I became a comic, the thought of going to some places always, like, Like you have these predisposition, like, oh, I saw this on TV, Alabama. They hate black people and you can't be out after midnight, whatever you may think. And today, one of the things that makes me the happiest about being a comic is that before I could look you in the face and go, oh, my God,

con last year. Where all these jerk off from now they were going to be a bizer, a bizer, whatever the fuck, these fucking mooks go to. Before you were allowed to go to a lot to go to a. Beezer, I want you to go to North Dakota. Okay. I want you to go to South Dakota. I've been. You see what I'm saying to you?

Yeah, yeah. I want you to go to, you know, like northern Minnesota, where people go fishing and offer you that hollick, hollip, that fish that they have, that's special. But then they're mad at, no, what's, what, Wisconsin has a fish. And they'll tell you, you know, to all those places. and I had the best times in my life. There was no cocaine involved. Later on that night,

I'm sure I hooked up with the bartender or something. But one of the things that makes me proudest about being a comic is that I could look at you in the eye and tell you, this is a fucking beautiful country. And the people that live in it, like I went to Texas a couple weeks ago, Texas people, motherfucking Texas people. Texas barbecue.

Then you go to Pittsburgh and they got a certain flavor. Then you go to Chicago and Chicago. Chicago people are alive, Jack. Like, you know, they're alive. And then you go to San Francisco. And everybody's kind of weird and hippie-ish. So every place has this identity. So the country's gorgeous.

Like, I've cop coke in South, Snake River, South Dakota. The one Mexican dishwasher, we made eye contact when it was all over. You know what I'm saying? You know how strange is for all love in the night? I knew he was a drug dealer when we made contact. He was the only Mexican at the South Dakota. He made eye contact when he came by, he said, Como's died?

He was all excited. You're Latino. He took me to his house for dinner. He was the only Spanish guy in like a 12 mile region. He got stuck up there because his wife was in the army. Okay. So he moved from like New York. And he saw me, invited me to his house, got me weed,

got me coke, amphetamines. I mean, I still, you know, and it's a fucking weird story, but it just goes to show you. People, everybody's great around I feel like everybody has the same set of wants and needs instead of emotions and you want to feel loved and accepted no matter where you go. But that's how I feel about other countries, other than the language barrier. So they don't hate this in France. No, I mean, France is a little snooty.

Like, I was in Paris one time, and I asked how far the walk was to the Eiffel Tower and the woman. She was like, it was like an expensive hotel. I'm like, but you just answer the question. She was like, I did not know. I did not know how fast you walk. And I was like, ah, what about this? Like a medium pace. How long do you think it will take me at a medium?

pace, you dumb coos. I feel like France is a little snotty, but most places, like Mediterranean's very warm, Italians are very warm, the Swiss are nice people. Like, I feel like Malaysia was lovely. I had a lovely Uber driver in Malaysia. I feel like you have

conversations with these people and everybody wants to see their kids do well and wants love and wants a better life for their family. When you went in Italy, are the men Hansi? They're a little grabby. I heard they grabby. They're real grabby. My friend went, he goes,

I'll never go there good. They're little. And he's Italian. He was like, Grish, me motherfuckers, they touch your wife. They always... They're more aggressive.

And I find because we, I own a bar in Florence, Italy with my husband. And ours is like the non-rapey bar, apparently. There's like a few rapy bars where Italian, like older Italian dudes just kind of lurk outside

and wait for the college students to like come, you know, stumbling out, find out who's the weak one. Wait for it. Yeah. That is crazy. Yeah.

I didn't know you owned the bar in a restaurant in Florence. Do you do comedy there? No. No. You're like Audi Bucco's wife. I just sit and drink. I drink a lot more. What kind of food?

American Fair, because there's like 15,000 American students. The Get Lucky bar in a restaurant in Florence. It's just an American bar. You don't have hummus on the menu. No, we don't. No, we have fried macaroni and cheese bowls. I love you. Potato skins.

Your Polish roots always stayed with you. You always got some type of pride. Fucking Polish people are tough. You never seen like the organization of Polish concerned citizens. No, no. Lobbying outside like a Barnes and Nobles because they sell Polish joke books. Yeah, they're just taking a hockey stick to the head a lot. There's a hundred Polish joke books.

Nobody gives a shit. And not one Polish person has ever raised their hand. No. But black people want reparation. Everybody wants something. It's a little different joke books and slavery. Then Life, how to change a light bulb jokes. Still the same.

They profit is all fucking. That's true. You know, fucking still the same. Every fucking race is suffering. And we're all, I feel like all, a lot of, a lot of alcoholism and Polish families. I feel like I'm just riddled, just chockful of alcoholics in our family. Strong Polish stock. It's crazy.

because my ex-wife was Polish and I was around their family for six years and they really rubbed off on me they were very influential who I am today the father was self-made I think he went into the army first and he didn't like how he was treated because he was Polish it was like the 40s or 50s and he got out and got a job at Fisher Prize or something and then he went to college he went to the University of Buffalo because he was so ashamed of how Polish people were treated. They used to call him Dumpayash, which means dumbass or donkey or something like that.

So you could tell he always went for intelligence. Like I met him right before I went to prison, and he didn't fucking like me. Before I got in trouble, he wouldn't pay attention to me. But I would always read these magazines that he had, these Air Force magazine and they would go take them with you. They were great. They were great articles.

So we became kind of tight because I read because of his love. But I got to really meet him and I understood what his whole motivation was. He didn't like how Polish people were portrayed. Yeah. And he wanted to change that, you know. And that's why we were laughing earlier. He changed his name. But when we get together with the rest of the family, they would aid on that side of the family

that changed their name because they kept the Kruzynski. name or whatever you know pat benatar's half a polack really you see her last name mine's macha check yeah like they're fucking these names are huge it's a lot it's a lot of but i really respect polish people because i got i learned a lot from that family they were first second generation polish or something you know i learned all the dishes i learned the language that brought my ex-wife had two brothers that were world-class skiers but just didn't have they were Polish

they just didn't have the motivation to they'd rather be on a roof and drink yeah that's that sounds like most of my uncles they were blue collar but I learned something from them

one weekend we all went skiing yeah and I'm a no frills type of guy I don't like looking like something you ever go to a comedy show and the comics got a suit on with sneakers yeah ooh

you're so cutting edge on a Wednesday yeah I hate, I've always hated outfits. That's why I don't like the hats, the goatee and the earring. I still got the same head to what I had in high school. There's no markings. You know, when I got arrested, they got nothing.

They always look for that one scar, the knife scar. There's nothing. I don't need for you to know who the fuck I am by putting two earrings in my eyeballs. Do you remember that guy that it was a comic that used to bring his own microphone and he would unscrew and then put like an old-timey microphone for essentially open mics. You're like, what is this guy fucking dealing with his life? Do you remember that dude?

I remember the story, but I can't pick to the guy's name. Just ring his own gold fucking microphone for a three-minute spot. But I remember my brother-in-laws took me. We weren't brother-in-laws yet. I was dating their sister. And I went to Breckenridge with them one day. It was like a two-hour drive from Boulder or something, I think. I don't know.

And we went to this tournament. When we got there, all these people had on, I swear to God, it was beautiful. They had on suits and the expensive goggles and the fucking retard helmets. And it was 1987. It's 1986. Nobody gave a fuck about a bump to the head then. Everybody was getting hit on the head now. Oh, you're going to have, you know, the next day.

I can't remember. I can't take it no more. For 2,000 years they've been playing football all of a sudden now. I hear people, I'm going to shoot somebody. What the fuck they're saying? I'll never forget. It was like, I don't know. I could be exaggerating.

Let's say 25 people in this competition. And they all had the expensive gear and sponsored by whoever. My brother-in-laws basically took their sneakers off. You know, roof of jeans, a t-shirt, and a fucking flannel. They put goggles on, no retard helmet, nothing. Just headed right down. Joe is his name. And in Polish is juju.

Yeah. If your name is Joe, juju or something like that. So he went up there, broke the record. They gave him a trophy. He threw the skis in the back, and he got in his truck. And drove away. And he used to drive with a bomb. In 1986, he already had a bong in the car.

and he would bring a gallon of water. He would fill it with the Dubonels. He was heavy. My brother-in-law, Joe, I still think about him. I still think about it. But all those little things, their work ethic, they drank all night. That's most of my family.

Like, my dad, my dad's still working. I love all that shit. Sixty-four. And, like, you know, he stayed with my mom, even though she yelled at him every day. He was like, I just couldn't imagine waking up one day without my sons. You're like, all right. That's admirable. I get it. but just working, just still churning away.

I don't give a fuck if you're an alcoholic as long as you're a functioning alcoholic. If you're a functioning alcoholic, you have no beef with me. My mom's, my dad doesn't really drink anymore because of the diabetes, but my mom's a real, real boozer,

real Ario booze wagon. Just always starts at 10. You hear the cheap beer. 10 in the morning? 10 in the morning. You hear it crack open. How old? 64, but her mom died of cirrhosis of the liver.

So I feel like it's, they're all real boozy. I can't believe I didn't come out boozy. Real? Nah, I'm not a real boozer. My mom could put them away, Jack. Yeah.

From dusk to dawn. Yeah, that's mine. Like a case every two days? Every day and a half? My mom was breakfast was a can of tomato juice without any of his beer. How the fuck do you exist?

Yeah, that's my mom. My mom, just you hear it crack. I'll be sleeping on the couch and like, oh, shit, there it goes. starting early. I... Everyone has their thing, though, I think. Everybody does have their thing.

It's just knowing it, seeing if it becomes a problem. I prefer weed. Listen, weed has never been a problem to know by. Unless you go over the fucking top with it, and you fall asleep at work, or, you know, it affects drug test. I don't even...

I've never even considered weed. To be anything. Like anything. Like anything. I was a kid like my godfather smoked it and nothing happened to him. He would giggle. So, with a second, you're telling me that something that makes you giggle is bad. He would giggle.

Yeah, I just ordered a McFlurry, a $10 Uber eats McFlurray. That's my only guilty thing. You're like, I'm just paying for overpriced McDonald's deliveries. Right now I would love, especially after my long drug career, I would love to look people in the eye and say that I'm so. but I had a hard time when I was sober. Yeah. It really went against who I was for some reason. It just bothered me.

Yeah. I did it for a month here, a month day, when I got locked up. I did it and I could do it. It just didn't feel like me. So right now I go, you know what? I don't need pills. Yeah. I don't need this. I don't need that.

I like my refa. Yeah, me too. To me right now, listen, I did like eight bonk hits before I got it. Yeah, do they look like I did eight bongheads. It really doesn't do nothing to me no more. It's a teddy bear. It's the last piece of my past. I just can't drive.

I feel like I just get real weird and paranoid. Me too. So don't drive. I try to avoid it as much as anybody can. I should have Uber'd here. What's the weed like in Italy? It's not as good. It's shitty and they roll it with tobacco, which always makes me furious.

I'm like, why do I mean? I get you fucked up. Yeah, the tobacco. Those Egyptians, they rolled the weed with tobacco. and put pieces of ash in it. You're night night. With no filter, you're going night and your lungs burn. But it makes you tough.

I really feel like a real strong, sturdy bra. You're fucking tough. And you never stop. You have a lot of respect. You know, nothing pisses me off more. I'm married. I'm 56. I'm a don't, listen, I don't even want my wife to suck my dick.

So when I say this, I say this out of pure. honesty and respect, nothing bothered me more. That dude said that women aren't funny. When people make that statement, you know, because we're all hypocrites when we say that because we all grew up on I Love Lucy. So right there, you lost.

Shut up. Don't make that statement. I just don't know. Do not ever make that statement around me. I feel like you can, somebody can not be your sensibility, but if people make, like I never understand how people can hate comics.

I'm like, how do you hate a person whose sole intention is so good? And all they want to do is bring joy and happiness to strangers and sacrifice their life traveling around the world. And to say a woman's not funny, it's like, well, she's making people laugh or somebody wrote her a check, her tax returns are an indication that that person's funny. I feel like if you're making money, you're making people laugh. So how can you fucking say that? No, it drives me crazy.

And it's women like you that have always, I go, look at this bitch, you know? Wow, these bitches are complaining that. I don't get spots because I'm female. I'm just going back out there. I'm a helicopter in Croatia. Yeah. Surrounded by soldiers that are dying of fucking torment. Yeah, I'm doing weird shows in Slovenia.

I'm just doing shows wherever I can. That's the proof in the pudding to me. And there's two differences. You're in, I don't like to say this, but it's the truth. You're in the hot category. Yeah. So you were handled. I'll take it.

You can say it again if you want. Well, you won like the sexy comic. Yeah, yeah, that Howard Stern. And I know you hosted the A. the end so you know so you were handled differently so you and I both know you know the deal you came into the club

you're great we want to help you a week later we're calling you for a piece of ass you don't give him a piece of ass then no more help no book year and there's no more help what a sad fucking state of affair of a human being you are yeah no but that happens so much to women and you can't as a woman bring another

like I find the trouble now is like if I want to bring a friend with me, another lady comic. They're like, wow, we can't have two ladies on show. That's a lady show. And you're like, oh, I just have to be alone in a hotel room. There's only a few clubs where you're allowed to bring your opener as a woman if you want another woman. So you're just lonely.

Like, how can you say a woman's not funny who's willing to be lonely for 17 years? Like, I was on the road. There were years. It was like 40, 42 weekends a year. I know. I remember that. Like, just churning it out every, just coming back on Monday, flying. back out Tuesday night, just enough time to do laundry and repack with where they still

could smoke for three, yeah, three shows, three show Saturdays. Three show fucking Saturdays. Ooh, there's only three places that do that now. Really? Yeah. Tampa does it. Punchline and Atlanta does it and St. Louis, Funnybone. Oh, and Zanis does it.

St. Louis just stopped. Zanis. I won't do a midnight show. Miami's doing it. It's hard. It's fucking tough. Miami Improv is doing it. They called three weeks ago.

It's not. I said thank you, but no, it's only an hour and a half. Listen. It's when you've talked for that long, not at all. That third show is. On every level. On every level. I don't want the consumer to put up with that.

I don't want the consumer to put up with that. Again, we're going back to the law diminishing returns. How good is Joey going to be for the third show? Not it's your tire. How long is Joey going to be? Not only is he tied, you're tired. your 10 sheets into the wind because you started partying

on fucking I went to Guns and Roses Saturday night my wife and I were talking about this and I want to clarify this on the podcast that I was not trying to be an asshole but this is reality this was a girl at the Guns and Roses concert the other night

and just started concert just started concert just fucking started and this four people bitch is passed on the couch next to me, okay? I took two pictures of it and people got pissed off and me go help her

whatever. First off, it's one of my business. Number two, she had a boyfriend. Yeah, let him monitor. She came with a boyfriend. What happened was two things happened, and I'll explain to you what happened because they've been to a thousand fucking concerts. A, either you started getting high too early

or B, you know what happens? When you go to a concert, your adrenaline goes up. When you walk in to a concert, you're adrenaline goes up. a concert that you're a fan of, your adrenaline goes up. And after three songs, your adrenaline crashes. She was passed out. I mean, this is Guns and Roses, the Palladium. It can't be any louder.

It's not like she was playing the fucking organ with a guy with a harmonica. This bitch was out. And she passed out with her boyfriend. And the boyfriend got up and went to another section with other people and left her there. And I didn't include that in the tweet, because I'm not a crime stopper.

Yeah, yeah, but she could get a rogue finger blasting on the way. You don't know what's going to happen. Listen, you got to be prepared as a woman today. Yeah. With all this shit that you read about, bitch, it's like getting a DUI today. You come to me and say, DUI, I got to stop talking with you for 90 days. You're on 90-day personal suspension from Uncle Joey. Because I got everything available to you.

You can get an Uber. You get a whole. Get a lift and get raped. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Lift is like the bottom of the fucking. to you, lift will give you a ride for $3. You might have to blow the guy or you might blow him

and not know it until the morning. You wake up on fucking, yeah. You wake up somewhere, but there's no option to have a DUI anymore. Not in today's society. We have too many options for you now to get a DUI. If you tell a bar that you're hammed. They'll figure it out.

They'll figure it out. Somebody will get you home. We do that at our bar. We can get people drunk lady across the street home. that they can't continue. So I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. Talking about that drunk lady passed out. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And then her boyfriend's get to Adelan. I have a daughter. I felt horrible looking at her. But I'm going to prepare my daughter. Never to let her guard down in prime. And never get, no. That's what happens. I did that in college at a fraternity party.

And I asked this guy, I was like, hey, do you know where I can lay down? And then he gave me a room, but he's like, make sure you lock the door behind me. And then it was like, turns out he was a nice guy. I'm the one chick in college that found the one really nice guy that must have had a ton of sisters. And he was like, don't ever fucking do that again. Don't drink stuff out of the garbage can at a fraternity house, whatever punch they're making.

And never ask somebody if you can lay down or you're going to have just a pile of gang rape. We live in some weird fucking times now. It's so weird that you could just say something, go from the media and you're done. And you don't even have to get arrested or nothing. There's no proof presented. You know, I just remember this. When I lived in Colorado in 83, I worked with a guy at Sport Kalen. He was a general manager.

I had extra cash because I was robbing drug dealers. I wouldn't hide the cash in the house in case somebody broke in. And one year his father died, and he didn't have, it's a true story. He didn't have the money to go home. So I said, take the money, you know. We'll figure it out. And we always, he was always nice to me. He came back.

And he did pay me back. But about three months later, he was a line judge at ski events, but he really couldn't tell Sport Kalin, the company, because it was a conflict of interest. Not that they were doing anything wrong. He just felt there was nobody's business. You know what I'm saying?

Some people just don't need to know all your business. So he would take off vacations, like March 28th, 1st, to the 29th and go to, I don't know, summit, mountain, and judge races or whatever. And he went to a bar on a Monday,

on a Tuesday, if I'm saying this correctly, and he started talking to a woman and they started getting a little cozy blah blah blah, blah. But a girl that he had slept with before came in and he excused himself.

Everybody was surrounded. He went with that girl, left and went home, boom the next day he woke up and went to the ski thing that night that girl that he had been talking to that he left at the bar the next morning she went to the cops and said that she had been raped by that guy what that he had busted into hotel room and raped her that night so when they went to sport caleb to look for them they couldn't find them and it They even looked more suspicious. They, like, he took a vacation.

Where is he? He didn't say. So the cops knocked on my door. And they're like, how well do you know? And I go, he's my neighbor. We talked. I go, what is this concern? They go, well, he's in charge of him.

I go, whatever it is, I'm not, whatever, but he ain't the type of guy that. Yeah, it's breaking doors. I didn't know about rape. Yeah. I didn't know about the rape. I didn't know. So I guess she positively identified him from

Because they had no mugshot on them He had never been arrested the guy never had a crossing ticket She identified him from the store Like employer the month type pictures Whatever they do And cops will look him from car And then one day I went outside And there he wasn't loading his car

And I go get in the fucking house Go cops are looking for you for a rape He's like, what are you talking about? I go Did you meet some chick? They told me the whole story Then he turned himself in. They got him arrested. This chick swore up and down in the Bible, how it was done. The lock, he had a mask on, a ski mask, so they raided his house.

They didn't find the mat. They did a whole write-up in the fucking paper about it. About him? Did they use his name? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. They buried them. Sport can't know what to do.

Me, I'm like, this guy might smoke pot once in a while, whatever. but he ain't no fucking tree jumper. Yeah, yeah. He ain't going to break up. And then climbing it and fucking breaking into houses. It was too small of a community. And, you know, they kept, and then the people were like,

what are you talking about? He had 800 witnesses. He was at a thing, a ski summit for four days or whatever it was. Yeah. This is 1983 guys. When he came back, they pressed charges out on rape. She was from Texas.

They flew her back. She identified them in the whole thing. And then he pulled the ace out. in the car and he was like this is where I was this night this is where I was the night before with this girl and the chick said no I want to press charges he's the one that raped me it was something wild and he ended up going to court witnesses and got dismissed but then there was a civil and he ended up suing her for like defamation to own something big in Texas yeah for defamation and then before they cut

the check she came clean and said that she had flown her boyfriend from Texas and didn't want the parents to know so the maid had seen him going into the room just fucking people make up that's insane it was fucking crazy that's insane I don't know how we got to the story yeah yeah yeah smoking ref oh I think it's all started with that woman passed out yeah with the woman being passed out. So it just, I don't know, I didn't take the picture. I took the picture because I thought it was funny that she's all, she was all fucked up

at the show, and it was the second song. And she's going to wake up on something. I don't know that was the second song. Jesus. Second song. It was late when you posted that. I figured it was the end of the concert. Oh my God. 30. No, I kept posting the pictures, showing them, guns and roses, and I would go, she's still out.

Guns and roses, a picture of us, she's still out. And at one point, she was disliked. And then one point she was dislo. way on the couch with her head back and then did the boyfriend ever come back he came back

like an hour later and he picked her up and she was like all fucked up and then he just held her and made believe he loved it like he had been there the whole night what a good guy but I was in post and picked his being fucking perverted

no I was with my wife yeah but so I have a friend who like we're both open micers but she is on the road a lot and she's like sleep in her car and she got mad at me once because I was like be careful like it made me nervous

to think about a friend of mine sleeping in her car like a rest stop and she's like you wouldn't say that to a guy and I'm like yeah because you don't have any upper body strength as a woman. Okay so was it like as a woman comic a female comic on the road

did you ever want into anything weird or weird? Oh my God what do you mean? All the fucking time every god every goddamn I think even from club owners Like the one guy in Kansas City Oh, the wig? The wig.

The wig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to be like, all right, want to let me pop you in the asshole. Like, you just have to deal with that shit for all week. Jesus. For 10 years. You have no idea what these women go.

So much. So, like. When I bring you guys, when I bring me you guys, when I bring women on the podcast, it's because I love you and it's basically out of respect because nobody has a fucking clue. Women have a clue. Yeah.

Women know what workplace harassment is. And trust me, I'm not sitting here being an angel. I've harassed hundreds of them. Yeah. Because when I want a blow job, I want a blow job now. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to sit here and be Joe Angel. But as a comic, you know, listen, any fucking industry where a woman starts at the low end of the totem pole, there's always an asshole.

There's always an asshole flat, you know, flexing his muscles to this poor woman. I'm sure I've done it when I was younger. But then you get sisters and you have daughters and you meet women. I mean, comic chicks are the coolest motherfuckers, if you like. I think if I'm like if you fought the battle, like you'd be fighting every fucking day. So eventually you just learn to grow kind of a thick skin and just to ask is what it is. You never, I mean, what am I going to do? I'm going to battle dead Craig Glacier and Stanford.

He did die. He died. He died. died and I'm sad because he owed me money. Rest and peace. Another creepy motherfucker. He was super creepy, but I feel like he had a magic shell heart. Like, he was one of those guys that I do believe the, his parents, like, to have three drug addicts sons and that dad must have been such a fucking asshole.

Like, I always had a soft spot my heart for him because I was like, he was just a fucked up dude who wanted love and some attention. All of them are gone. All three of those brothers. He died right before my wedding, and I cried because he had owed me. money and if I had known he was dying he died of cancer I wouldn't have asked him for my money back and that was the one with the wig yeah there's a lot of them with the wigs but he was one of them he was he had a really yeah really bad the king of stink king of stink the wig would stink

the sweat would come out from under the wig that club you know listen I do comedy every weekend not every weekend I do comedy it's very easy for me to take leave or whatever, but I won't. I refuse because I want him to see the beauty of Statenham. There's a whole thing. It's not just about getting on stage. If you think it's just about writing jokes

and getting on stage, quit now. There's a whole culture. The journey of getting better. The journey of getting better, the journey of meeting people, the journey of understanding female comics and how they work with you. You can work with them

You can work against them. It could be a bad fucking week. You know, I love women opening for me. You know why? Because a lot of girlfriends buy their boyfriends tickets for me. And then they sit through another idiot in front of me, cursed, and I like to bring a woman so they have something. Yeah.

So, you know, I don't really like Joey. But at least I got a broad that's throwing heat up to that. Women are always, I think, the social planners for most couples. Like, my husband isn't a planner. He just shows up and he puts on his pants and he kind of goes where he's told. But going back to that journey, that journey is so important. And when I see a comic in L.A. and he thinks he's having it. And I know he didn't have that journey that we had.

I know he's going to have to pay for it somewhere along the line. Because those are the shows you learn the most from, like bowling alleys and get to the laundromat and drive. This sucks. This is for one out of every 15. that you get really good here. But that journey, that journey is the one that you cannot. Those vivid, those rights are that, you know what it is to fucking take a bus. Yeah.

From North Carolina to Buffalo and every city you stop and you have to go out and sneak to it. It's off your joint. Get back on. Get back on the bus stop. That stuff comes back later on. That's what I, look at some of the things I was willing to do. Like, I remember driving. I had a show in Tullamay, California.

It was like seven and a half, eight hour drive, did my show at this Indian casino for whatever little money I was getting, drove back to the airport to fly to Albuquerque, didn't know that Roswell was four and a half hours from Albuquerque, and then cried at the rental car place because I was so fucking tired. And they weren't going to rent me a car because they thought I was unstable. And then I had to convince them that I had a comedy show that I had to get to. And then they rented me a car.

And I just remember power, a lot of powering through just to like drive. and get it done and go and pick up your 150, 200 bucks when you first start. And it's all you had. I feel it now. When I go on stage in the main room and I'm rocking and rolling up there, I go back. I could say, wow, I'm happy I did that one. I'm happy I did those Mormon rooms in Utah for Tribbles partner. You know, it's such a beautiful journey.

Life is a journey. You don't base it on one thing. You know. That's what I like about European shows now. It's like I'll do these weird shows in like Rieca, you know, Croatia or Slovenia. And I feel like I'm new again because you have to find that language barrier as to what hits with another culture. And I'm like, I haven't felt that sense of new where you're like, oh, this is a bar room. I'm doing these weird bar shows in Croatia.

And you're just not as good as you remember being in the States because they just don't understand what the fuck you're saying half the time. So you have to kind of figure out comedy in a new way. Are you doing 50-50 now? Like, is it 50-50 for your tour or are you doing 60? I'm still touring more than I'm spending time with my husband. But are you doing, I'm talking about percentages of state to out of country? No, mostly here. Like, I'll come back.

I came back for three weeks. I'll go back for a week to see my husband. I'll come back for two weeks. I'll go back for two weeks to see my husband. I'll come back for three weeks on the road. I'll go back, just back and forth between Italy and mostly. shows on the road. Like, I'm hardly in L.A. Just every

once a month, maybe like three days to whatever meetings and things I have to catch up with. Check my mail. How is your experience with Netflix? It's been really good. When did you shoot us? We shot it in March and then it aired August 13.

Where did you shoot that? Here in Los Angeles. That's cool. And you know Tiffany since the beginning of that time. Yeah, she was in my wedding. No shit. In Greece. How long ago? One year ago. We got married September 2nd.

So she could afford the Greek. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had a good turnout for Greece. 58 people for an internet. From here? Yeah. Some of his friends. His friends are a little shittier than mine. I feel like I got better friends.

Your friends came out? Yeah, I had a lot of friends. I had 14 bridesmates. From Pennsylvania? From Pennsylvania. I had a few of my elementary school teacher friends. I feel like I had friends from every chapter of my life, my college friends, friends I first met when I came out here, comedy friends.

I love you to death. You send an invite to your wedding, I'm coming. Yeah? But over the pond, you could suck my dick. You get married at the VFW, like the rest of the fucking. You come to Italy. We'll show you around. Like the rest of the cute girls in Pittsburgh do. You know what I'm saying? Everybody in Pennsylvania gets married to VFW. Some fire hell. You want to get married in Greece. Go fuck you. My husband can't get into the country with his filthy Iranian passport. But I love it. I love it that. You, you, you, you know, you.

You do all these adventurous things. Your life has been a fucking adventure. No, I forget sometimes how cool it is. I feel like my shitty childhood afforded me a really good adult life. Like, you know, as a female comic, I think when people also get mad at female comics, I'm like, you don't realize what it took to become a female comic. Like, both my grandparents died of AIDS.

My aunt shot herself in the face. Like, you don't become a lady comic if you've had a whole bag of normal. Like, you grew up with homemade pudding and hugs. You know, you had to do it. take a few beatens to become a lady comic and then you get more of them when you come oh so many i've seen i listen i've seen a lot of men come and go but i've seen a lot of women come and go and it's this just does something to you and some of the women don't realize like you're yeah yeah oh i got like 17 eggs left yeah your ovaries haven't asked for sperm milk yet to produce

Because a lot of women, I mean, it's just one day at 33, they've been doing comedy for 10 years, rocking and rolling. When the ovaries call, the ovaries call, the ovaries call, you know, when nature calls, nature calls. No, and a lot of women have bounced back on me. Now, what do we have? We have five chicks that have shot specials pregnant. Yeah. You know? No, I want one kid.

Yeah. I want a dollhouse, and it feels unstable as a woman to have a doll house if you don't have a kid. You can't just be an adult woman with a doll house. you need that baby. Hey, I had one at 50. You did? And she was 44. Yeah?

All right, all right. I still knocked her up at 44 and we weren't planning it. All right. You know, they were talking about this morning at the gym. They're like, you know, you did it the right way. And I'm like, I didn't do anything the right way. Whoever controls this motherfucking world did that. I didn't know after 12 years, after two years, if I don't get you pregnant,

It's loads of hoar. I'm just shooting loads in you until fucking. The midget falls out right or wrong. You shoot a half in a home, and then the other half in the toilet when you pee, you close it, you shut the toilet, turn off the light, you come back three days. There's a little sea monkey.

There's like a little hand. I'm reaching out. Coming to visit. How do you save half of it? Because you shot the other half in Mama Snatch. Yeah, so I was asking you, how do you keep half of it? It's just in the back of your dick.

That's why you have to pee after you have sex because in between the suction, your body automatically wants to clean out. Whatever that, she has her dirty badge. You don't give a UTI. You know, it's so weird what people know about sperm. Like, I don't know how many, like sperm is the, all you need is one little.

Aggressive little guy. That's it. Yeah. That's it. Now, my loads are a gallon and a half. You ever see the size of my nuts? You know what the chance is. Only have.

Right now I'm holding like two pints right now. I'm a pint over. I'm going to get mama stabbing this afternoon before we pick up Yum Yum. But it's true. Like one little, it's just, I didn't know this. I learned when I went to prison. They made you watch a film.

They showed all the black people. Before you have kids, watch these videos and shit because I swear to God. It was so racist. They made all the black inmates go to this thing. Because if you had more than like 19 kids at one point, they're like, we got to explain to you what happens. Maybe you're not getting this. The reason why you have, this was way before the term baby, mama.

Okay. You know, there were guys in there that just can't. You know, there's women that fucking meet guys in jail. And we'll give you like a half the hand job and get knocked up. All you need's a little bit. And the pressure, see, what guys don't know is when we're banging it. Yeah. Right, and we start getting that little ticklish.

You already shooting little platelets of love into this. Prejiculatory. That's pre-jaculatory things. By the time you start twitching, you pull it out, and you're like, we missed it. Well, give her a minute. Look inside that little hole, and you'll see a little tear drop. A little spooge, a little spooge special.

Oh, my God. It's a good thing. Hey, what to a family? It's a family podcast. No, I just love the way you're describing it. Well, what do you want to mean? It's getting a little ticklish. It's a little tear drop, yeah.

You always get that little jingle in your legs. As a kid, you don't know what's going on. Moisten up to tip. You're fucking doggy style and you're standing up. You get that little lightheadedness, and all of a sudden you get that little ticklish thing. You already came. You've already pre-execulated it. By the time you pull out and you see it shooting in the air, and you're like, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. She's already got a little centimeter. got swimming his way through. Yeah. That's not good. No. So after two years, two, three years of me date my wife,

I didn't knock her up. I'm like, this is never going to happen. Yeah. So it's Lloyd's a hold. There ain't no pulling out here. Shoot it. You're going to walk a little funny, a little squeaky.

A little drippy. Your underwear is going to be a little drippy. About two hours at work, you're going to feel it slipping out of your leg. A little baby Joey with no one is. I need, I feel like my husband needs a baby. You're like, uh, I've never, how old is your husband? 34.

Okay. So he's, I mean, I've never met a dude where I'm like, this dude should be a dad. Because I've dated comics where you're like, this, this guy can't be the father of my child. This guy's weeping in his pillow every night. So this is the first stable dude where I'm like, he needs a baby. How happy are you not that is one involved in a comedian? So I didn't know that this is what it's like. Like, he'll literally ask me, he's like, what did they do to you?

And I'm like, oh, God, I got stories. I got stories about these animals I dated. I had a brief affair with a comic for about six months. And I think back at it now, it was just horrific. Yeah. It was just horrific. Oh, we were, I mean, I had a dude who fucked a hooker in my room. We had hooked up, and then I didn't sleep with him.

And then we were in two different rooms in Vegas. And he was like, oh, asked for my room key. And then he went downstairs and got a hooker and fucked her in my room after we made out. So I'm like, I didn't even. know that was in the realm of possibilities of shit that could happen? And then I just took like a silkwood shower and cried and then didn't date people

for like a year and a half after. Yeah, comics. Pretty bad. Two comics just I had a girl, Rachel came in there, Wilson, and she's like, but you're arguing? She goes, look at Ralphie in line, look at, I think there's three power couples now. Right.

Rich and Bonnie, Tom and Christina. Tom and Christina. I go, that's sort of a a rarity. Yeah. They did it the right way, or they plan going on on the road. You know, it's why I think when you start going on the road together and you're involved together, that's when it gets ugly.

It's too much. If you're a comic and then you become a TV writer and I'm a comic or just a road comic, I think it'll work. Yeah, if you have some sort of different thing to pull from some different interest. But if we're both road comics, you and I both know, and you could admit this to the audience, is there? you date a comic after a while, is there a little bit of a competition? Yeah, of course.

Or especially, I think, as a woman, like, I've dated comics where he just, I'd come home and he'd still not be on the road. And he's like, oh, this dude's just sitting on the couch. And I'm hurling my body every week. And I'm tired. My face is getting tired. And this asshole's just sitting on the fucking couch. You're like, get up.

Go and try to get more work. And then they blame you. you would see that's that's a thing that started to scare me when I had my brief and this is 98 it was it went from us just having fun to why do you get those calls and I don't mm-hmm I never gonna be good I can't have it I can't have that now my my husband just thinks it's cool like he watched my special like he's like oh it's better every time like it does it really it doesn't but he thinks it's neat and I've never had that with a dude where there was no level of

competition. He just thinks what I do is cool and he's encouraging and he believes when I, you know, he has room to believe because he doesn't, if you're a comic and you have to like fight for your own dreams but he doesn't have to do that. He has his own separate thing so he can fight for me to have my dreams.

That's pretty fucking neat. What's your response been so far from Netflix? It's been great. All positive. There's one useless twat that hated me. But other than that. I mean, as far as the shows, are people people have been coming out and they're yeah they're coming out which is nice I feel like my numbers went up even in tamp on a hurricane my numbers were up from the last year do side splitters yeah I do side splitters yeah I do you do it no I've never done it oh I like it only done the improv okay no I like side splitters I feel like the independent clubs it's like I like when you go back and the staff still the same because at least there's some sense of family you're not as lonely I think or like the chain more corporate clubs I feel like the turnover is high.

Like, I know that I go back and it's always the same dude at the bar or the same waitress staff. And you're like, you just know what you're getting. There's, uh, even that, even just going to different comedy clubs and see him. Like, I had a list. Like, when I was coming up, there was a comic newspaper called Just for Last. And it came out of San Francisco.

It was published by John Fox. And it was a bunch of comics who, Put your money with your mouth is. You say you want to be a writer. Write me in an interview every week. You interview, you write an article about the state of comedy, I'll write an article about this, and they put a paper together. But at the last two pages were every club, state by state, you know,

Alabama, you know, Connecticut, and you could just circle the clubs and go some day I'm going to play there, you know. I don't even know if they have those lists anymore. like all the clubs. And you don't really have a list of all the clubs because they all open and shut. Yeah. So quickly sometimes, you know, you don't like the chains. Oh, I do.

I mean, I like, I like all of them. I don't really care. If I like a club, I don't care if it's a chain or not. No, I mean, I don't care about that. I just feel like with the staff, it feels more like a family. Like, if I go to Zanis and there's, you know, three Zane. It's like, well, Bert Haas is always going to be there. If I go to Tampa, it's always Bobby Ju.

Like, it's always going to be the same. Is Bert still there? Yeah, Bert's still there, still dressing up, still has a pocket square, still looks fancy. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's what I like, though. You get the relationship with the different comic club owners. I loved featuring.

I really had a good time featuring. I learned a lot. Yeah. Featuring. And I embraced it. Like, most people feature, I'm going to with the headline. You're not going nowhere. Yeah.

See, my husband went on how to be. A fucking tremendous feature. The best you can be. Be too hard to follow. Yeah, three, four years of feature work, three, four years. And that's a perfect spot. Perfect spot. You're done.

No pressure. You can hang out by the bathroom and pick out drunk chicks. When they go to puke, you can rub their back and they puke and help them. Come on, I got a room to put you in like that trapbook. We ain't locking the door. You know what I'm saying? You know, it's just, it's a different attitude. You're just going in to be a killer.

And some headliners you're friends with and some are just dicks. Yeah. And some are on the borderline and you get to see different comics. And who, what type of comic do you want to be? Like, you know, one of the memories that sticks out my mind today, big time comic,

opened up for him in Dallas. I went outside and there was a huge line. And I went back in, I go, you know, there's a huge line out there for you. He goes, fuck those assholes. and I remember going Why? And I remember going, wow, if I ever had learned,

I would definitely be out there with them. And this is way before pictures. They just wanted to shake your hand. And meet you. You didn't want to meet nobody. I don't understand that. If they're coming out, you have to forget. Like, I feel like people forget that the people that come to comedy shows,

that might be, they might have three kids. That might be their entertainment for the next three months. They might not get another break. So how dare people, when people are paying? for two tickets, drinks, maybe a babysitter, gas prices. That might be their most expensive evening out as a family. Like, that's their date night. So you're there to entertain them.

That's a bother me about two show nights. Yeah. Especially from me. I don't like two show nights anymore. No, just one. Not because now I do like either comedy clubs or like medium theaters. Yeah. So sometimes they add a second show and like New York

sold out in June for December. I'm from Jersey. Yeah, it's going to sell out. So, yeah, the second show. But I don't like it because the theater doesn't want you going out. Because people trying to leave and then people trying to get in and then they're trying to take pictures. And now you have this madness.

Like Milwaukee, I did 420. I felt terrible. I did two shows. I should have done two shows. And that's what, like this week I'm in Chicago. I'm doing one show. Why? I want to sit there for an hour afterward.

And chat with people. And chat people and take pictures. I don't sell merch. Yeah. I don't sell merch because I don't want to take them for everything they got. Yeah. I rather them come up to me and say, hey, I didn't like the podcast with you and Lee or the podcast help me.

Or now I booked a trick ticket to Florence because April Macy's got a restaurant there. You know what I'm saying? So I don't want there to be a gap between us and them. Well, I think that's all they're looking for most of the time. It's just a human connection. And that's what kind of stand-up comedy is. You have like a group-think mentality where people come in and everybody's kind of on the same team to enjoy their night.

When I shake your hand and take a picture of you, that's a completion of the circle. That's a completion of. Feeling connected to you. That's it. Yeah. I put out a podcast, you listened to it. One day you made a comment. I replied to you as a gentleman, and now we start a little dialogue in between us.

We're not best friends. Yeah. But we acknowledge each other on Facebook and you put a picture, your ugly kid up. I'll say, yeah. If I put a picture of my ugly kid up, you'll say, yeah. And you really, you really put something together. And then all of a sudden that person will say to you, hey, I see you coming to Chicago. I live in whatever I'm doing a two-hour drive.

And you meet him after the show and you shake their hand and you give them a hug and you take a picture. It's two minutes of your time. And people are happy. And that's it. It's the people that come in and go, can I ask you a question about Joe Rogan? Get the fuck out of here. Can I ask you a question about episode 22 of the podcast? Listen, I just did an hour on stage.

I don't know nothing. You know, yesterday I got a guy. Can you leave a message on my phone? I go, why would I want to do that? And he goes, can I go, if I do it for you, I got to do it for everybody else. He goes, I won't tell nobody. Except the people that call you, you fucking moron. You fucking idiot.

I go, I don't want to do cameo. I don't want to do none of that shit. But I want to meet people who listen to the podcast. I also feel like sometimes there's audience members that you do really connect with. Like in Tampa, there was this couple's interracial, older couple. They were in their 60s. And then they would come every time I was there. And then he got sick.

He had brain cancer. And they weren't there for a few years. And I remember when they came back because he got well. I cried. I'm like, oh, my God, Frank and June are back. And there was something like so human about it. We're like, oh, I'm so glad to see these audience members. Because I had wondered every time.

I'd be like, oh, I wonder if they're going to come. I wonder if he had passed away. And to see them back in the audience was so satisfying. And to know he got through whatever illness he had had. And they were back to enjoying life. So you're like, well, that's nice. Fucking, I'm still in awe just seeing you because I haven't seen you in so long. It's been years.

And I look at you and like, still remember you walking in one night, you had like a little hat on. You walk like some little fucking, I think it was like a French stewardess. I just dressed like an asshole I used to put on some fucking tremendous outfits I'm like this chick's got the balls of a fucking elephant I didn't know I've always dressed like an asshole I didn't know I just I just always love your style

and how you uh it's great to see that you're still out there doing your thing oh what else can I do I don't know with a comic anymore I got no life skills this is it this is the only thing I've ever been good at what no look at me I dropped out I went to University of Florida for two two and a half years and I was pretty fucked up. I mean, I had a bad weird childhood, so everybody died. And then, so when I was 17, my parents never let me do anything. Like, I was not equipped for life at 17.

My dad was, no, boys. There was a lot of, like, no boys. And then I was just gobbling weaners. Yes, it was forbidden. So just gobbling dick meat for years. Do you think that's just because I have a daughter? I think if you're really overprotective, like boys weren't to call my house. My parents were married really young and they had me young. So I think they just

tried to prevent me from making the same mistakes they did. But in doing that, if you tell somebody you can't have tangerines, they're going to want to fucking rub tangerines on their face. It's the same if men are forbidden. You're like, give me all the, and I had abandonment issues from a lot of deaths, but then I was just gobbling wieners. A lot of death. Deaths. Like my grandparents died. My aunt died. Like I just dealt with a lot of, a lot of tragedy as a kid. So I think when you of abandonment shit and it's forbidden. It was like the perfect combination to just take all, have all the dicks. Just collect them.

Don't do it. Don't be overprotective with your daughters. I'll be getting back. I come from a different world. April, so I'm very, like I know what the world is about. I know who's out there. My wife is a little bit on the whatever side. Be tough.

What two and two is. When we do the podcast, we do it 15-minute podcast. I make a read. Our homework assignment is 10 minutes. But the other 20 minutes, I'm just talking to her. I'm just saying little things to it just so she knows. I write her a journal every day. I write.

You know, in a journal, what I'm feeling. I just started writing about my life. It's really sweet. I went to prison. I don't want so many times on the wrong shit. Yeah. You got it from the horse's mouth. It's on paper.

Yeah. And this is my second notebook. So hopefully when I die, she gets the fucking notebooks and she learns the truth. Oh, that's beautiful. Before some jerkos says, well, on YouTube, he said he robbed a jewelry store. I got the proof of your fucking jerk off. It wasn't a jewelry store. It was a liquor store.

You dumb fucking. But that's really, it's really sweet. I think that because of my exposure to, I've been exposed to, you've been exposed to a lot. fucking I meant. Things that you went home and said, wow, what happened here? What's wrong? What happened? What happened? Yeah. What happened here? When you're, especially, when you live in L.A., and you see how people act, and you see the things that people will do for fame or just for a little bit of success, you have to ask yourself, what happened here? you know and like I said I've been a lot of

I've only been with like one comic maybe two or something like that sexually but I have a lot of comic friends as women and you look at them and go they're my friend I got their back no matter what but something happened it's got nothing to do with me I'm not going to ask I don't need to do an intervention

I don't need to be that much of a friend but I know that well I think anybody that requires that constant stream of valid It's not a normal thing to want, to need, like, the constant nightly adoration and love from somebody. So you're like, well, where didn't they get it early on during the formative years? Like, why do you, I mean, I know for me, it's like I obviously didn't have enough love growing up. So now I need it from everybody I meet.

Every audience, every fan. You want that adoration. See, for me, I think I had a parent. I had a mother and a stepfather who were an audience. Trust me, I always had an audience. Like, I'm not going to sit here and tell you I wasn't loved. I think with me, my comedy comes from the same place where your comedy comes from. And it's from being pain and having to talk yourself off a ledge.

All the time. You know, that's, like, I'm very good at talking people off ledges. Why? because for years I talked myself off off the ledge. You know, what's alleged, Joey? A tough time in your life. When you have to make a tough decision when some people would just fucking tire not.

Some people would jump off a building. No, and I feel like that was my escape. And plus it was the escape from my parents. Like, I feel like our house was so filled with sadness that, like, I was the pressure valve where I could, like, if I could get a laugh out of somebody, like you didn't see that in a house. Like, if when people have AIDS,

when people are, like, have mental illness, like you're constantly dealing with all of this pile of shit. If you can get somebody to smile in their day. So it was so satisfying early growing up getting laughs out of my parents because I don't think they had a tremendous amount of happiness themselves. So I think that kind of trickles into adult life. Now, people have hard lives. That's why I think you see comedy or people write you. The most satisfying thing is once people are like, oh, I haven't laughed in months to know somebody else was going through something tragic. And they connected enough with you, paid their entertainment dollar, and you gave them a little release from that pain for a little

bit. I think is a really beautiful thing. Everybody should like comics. April Macy, I love you. Where can these savages find you? Just April Macy.com. April Macy on social media, M-A-C-I-E. They can find me on Tiffany Haddish presents. They Ready, streaming on Netflix, and just driving around town. That's about it. I'm happy you didn't jump off a plane. Oh, look, thank you. You would have jumped off with eight guys with dicks. Did you see them? No, no, no, me and I, I were going to do that today.

They were going to touch you. They were going to land first and lay on their backs. I'll wait for me to fall on their dicks. All of them. They were all going to lay and see who got lucky. They were going to get like a raffle ticket like Conner. See who got lucky and shit. Did you see what I'm going?

It was like Chris Porter. I saw them all last night. Chris Porter, Jeffries, Martine Moreno. Titus and Titus. Did Titus go? I don't think, I didn't see Titus in the picture. I did want to go.

I felt like I need to get past beers in my life. She's like, what time are we doing it at 1 o'clock? The only problem is I have, mercy has, whatever the fuck you call it, Taekwondo. Adorable. Yeah, I was going to jump out of a plane.

So it was, I have to get over there, but you were like, I'm going to jump on a plane. I was like, no. No. I like what you said. You want to sell tickets.

Let's go. I don't do this. If you want to be in the, if you want to jump out of a plane, join the fucking air course. He didn't get mad of you for riding a bike. There's no way he's going to let you jump out of a vehicle. Yeah. I don't know nobody jumping out of a plane.

Because I'm so scared. I wanted to do it. Did you? Yeah. No, no. I want to get past fears in life. Like I feel like, you know, certain boundaries that like keep you held, hold you back.

I'm like, well, either I die or I've just worked past a fear. Next, I'll get into a tank with a shark or something. It was funny because this morning I was thinking about you. When I went on because I went on, I got up. I got up, school, breakfast, and then I went somewhere. Then I got back, and I went on Twitter, and I saw the pictures. So I had to go to the bathroom. And when I was walking to the bathroom, I was thinking about what the fuck would happen?

Like, I would love to jump off a plane. Like, I can't believe I said something to her about going on a plane because, well, I didn't see I either. I knew something. Well, we were going to do it together. We were kind of two lady handholders. And I said, you know what? That's something I always wanted to do. I just, I got to do it with the right people.

That's what I felt like, the Golden Knights, I feel like if you're going to jump, you might as well jump with Army dudes who are jumping all the time. Oh, did Bronson Jones do that? I don't know. A couple people. Yeah, I think Bronson, he did with the Army. He lost a bunch of weight over the past month. Oh, nice.

He didn't pull the fucking Lee on the zip line. You lie to the people with the zip line. Same thing they make you wait. God damn it. Don't be bullshit. You listen. Tell me real quick before we got some time. You have any dates coming up?

I do. This weekend I'm in with Tiffany Hanish at the Indiana University Auditorium with Ida and Chante. I'm at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale and then I met Penguins. Is that fucking place still open? It sure is. The same accountant? The same engineer.

The one that was flooded? I don't know. What his name is? He was uptight. He didn't want. want to pay. Jeff Johnson? Is that? He's still there? Yeah, I think so. Oh, my God.

Send them. I love that. I'm stuck. I will be in Chicago this weekend at the Chicago Theater. There's still a few tickets left. October 11th, the Uptown Theater in Kansas City, and Denver. The second show's been out at the Paramount. Tickets are still available. Real fucking quick.

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Week fucking four, and you're still telling me you went two and all, but you didn't win a dime. If you find a hundred dollars in the street, would you walk past it or would you pick it up? Yeah, you pick it the fuck up. So why do you keep picking winners and not betting them? Listen, go to my bookie. It's fast, it's easy, and they pay when you win.

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I'm dropping a video with my one pick of the week. I'll teach you how to place the bets on my bookie. You'll be saying Uncle Joey's a fucking savage. Catch me on Instagram on my flat. Matt Flavor. World. How you like that, cocksuckers? I love you, motherfuckers.

Don't forget, Anna is running the contest. 30-count, 90-count, alpha brain or the powder. You got a raffle ticket. Details on Monday for all you, motherfuckers. I love you. Don't forget to support April Macy. She's a fucking savage. I got nothing but respect for her.

She's hung in this motherfucker. I sure am. She's taking load shots to the face. She's done it all. So many load shots. She don't give a fuck. She still shows up to the dance And I'm very happy you're married

You're pretty than ever You're always welcome to visit us here Thank you. Thanks And for you motherfuckers, I love you I'll be seeing Bob Lollingus and Josh From 10th Planet and all by boys Friday in Chicago The Chicago Theater 8 o'clock

Kay Quigley and Dean Delray will be there fucking around so I'll see you Cuckuckers then. Have a great week Have a great weekend and I'll see you for Russia Rosh Hashanah, happy Rosh Hashanah to the Jewish community. I love you guys. And don't forget, 1-800 gambler. Kick this fucking Mulele. That's it.