The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #723 - Ari Shaffir and the night before Sober October

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

Ari Shaffir, comedian and host of the, "Skeptic Tank" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Check out Ari's double special, "Double Negative," on Netflix. This podcast is brought to you by:  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.  MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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Kick this motherfucker mulelees, I, N. Tuesday, October 1st. But we're really taping on Monday night, so it's still legit to quit. Right. We got the fucking ultimate. Ari Shafir. The other Christ killer, Lee Syatt, happy Rasha Shana to you motherfuckers. Son up.

And Uncle Joey here. To the old school Iron Maiden. Happy Rosh Hashanatha, you motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here direct. If you came to the Chicago show at the Chicago Theater, I love you at all my heart. Thank you very much for showing up. If you went to any Avi Sharfee, your favorite shows in Brea this past week,

and I thank you very much for supporting this. Yeah, thank you. We love that you got our backs and whatnot, but it's motherfucker on October 1st. I heard that Chicago show was nuts. It was great. They were great. The theater's a great theater.

I didn't completely settle out, but it wasn't about that. It was about fucking doing that. a good show. I only booked that, so all my energy went into that. How was it? It was tremendous. You know, listen. We're all very fortunate to still be in the game.

Never mind selling a ticket or two. We're very fortunate. One on a cruise ship headed to fucking Norway cracking jokes for a bunch of people with coupons. You know what I'm saying? So, I give thanks every morning when I wake up, and I know you do, and Lee does. We're very thankful. You know, to even be a part of this fucking

machine so yeah don't give a fuck about being Kevin Hart or Lewis CK Amy Schumer I'm just happy to putt along be a dad do podcast twice a week and talk to people like you we go to the store on Tuesday night it's like a little fucking mafia reunion it's like I believe you know it's where they now I'm surprised the cops don't raid the join on Tuesday just kind of like the old school days yeah you got to get all you killers out of this fucking place you guys all want it you can't commiserate you're gonna share fucking secrets about Netflix and shit. What's going on, my man?

I don't know. What is your point? For sober October. What lay it out for me? So no drinking, no smoking, no sucky, no fucky. What's going on here? Yeah, nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. I don't know. I don't even understand. It doesn't do anything for a fucking pert. I don't even understand what we're doing it anymore. I hate it. Why do you hate it?

Because I hate it, Joey. It's a time of it. October. The Jewish people love that shit. They take a week off. It is the right around the time of Atoment. It's the same month. Roshan Yon Kipper.

So it's a time of atonement. Take the month off. If I wish, if I could do it, I would do it. What does that mean? What does that mean? What does that mean if you could do it? I'm not strong enough to do it. Oh, fuck, you know.

I don't like rules. Like that. I mean, either. What made me go. I want to do stuff when it comes up. What made me go crazy when I was in the halfway house was the rules. You telling me I can't do it. If I'm, you don't do it.

You just say Joey, knock it off for a few days. I can knock off weed for three, four days. But at this point in my life, it's become a teddy bear. It's become something that I do in the morning to wake up and eat. And it's not that I smoke pot all day. I don't give a fuck about 420. I don't give a fuck about the movement. I've been smoking dope before the fucking movement.

That movement's over. It's legal everywhere now. I don't smoke vapors. I don't do nothing. I don't want to burn nothing with a blow torch. I just want to smoke a fucking joint of paper. Speaking of which, what happened to that joy? What's the right here?

Look at you. Hide it over there. Why do you try to hide it? I'm rush a shutter, no less. I know. I'm not sure. I'm going to hoard the last little bit. You want me to light it?

No, I want you to sit there and look at it like it's a museum. Yeah, I want you to fucking light it. What's going on with you, dog? It's good to be here. Dude, I've been in hell of Mexican food. Like, every day there's a taco truck by Simone's. I go fucking nuts. It's like that or in and out every time in the way home.

I'm getting fat out here. There's no good Mexican like that in L.A. And New York, I mean, I'm getting fucking fat. So is it weird that you're not walking? What? Yeah, maybe a little bit too, for sure. Can you believe it's gonna be 93 degrees in New York tomorrow? Is it really?

90 degrees or something like that today. It's supposed to be 90 degrees. That's why October's so fucking nice. And then got a huge snow story in fucking Montana. Yeah. Well, fucking a foot and a half of snow. When you're here, is it the truth? Like, you can't even understand how people can be under snow?

Like you walk outside in shorts and then you're like you see on Twitter people like this this place covered in snow and you're like what? It's like it's like any sense. We're from the East Coast and maybe it's different. Like it to me it's weird when I see them at 60 degrees wearing like beanies and winter coats. It is colder but that's what's weird for me. I'll tell you what. Here's the problem. I was telling my wife this day a day.

We are as much as we hate to say it living in California except for the traffic. and the food, we are completely spoiled. We walk out of our house eight days out of ten, and the sun is fucking just gorgeous. Gorgeous. Just gorgeous. It's not, it's something that you cannot even describe. Yes, it's expensive to pay and live here. Yes, there's traffic. Yes,

gas is $4 a gallon. But, hey, on, yeah, on the worst day, you'll never freeze the desk outside. No. That'll never, ever happen. No, no, no. And it gets hot here. Like, September's the hottest month. That's it. It's all downhill after tomorrow. Tomorrow is a hooded sweatshirt. It's already starting to get cold.

It gets cold. It started getting cold at night last week. You keep a hoodie in your car. But do you ever look at the weather out here? I don't look at the weather. No. We take it for granted. I lived in two of the best places on the country.

I lived in Boulder, Colorado for 13 years. And I've been here for 22. I'm pretty fucking damn fortune. Smoke the thing up there. I am. You're sitting there like it's a bug. You're sitting there like it's a bug. looking at it, smoke it, smoke that fucking thing.

It's the last night that fucking. I smoked almost all of this by my son. Keep smoking. That's a boy. You need to smoke more. It's good for the lungs. You gotta get some blood to the lungs. We haven't done dick. People asking us to get high and I tell him we don't want to do it no more. He gets bronchitis. He brings cough drops. I take it just as money out of. Speaking of which, it's time for another edible. No way. I already took so much more than I ever should have.

How many points did you take tonight? That was. Top two, that was, that was so many. Hold on. We did not. Five, ten, fifty, twenty, twenty, a lot. What's five? What's five points?

Five points is heroin in a line of Coke. Your tolerance, that's why edibles is a part of it. Your tolerance is crazy. Nobody lit no coke here. Nobody lit no pot. We did a couple fucking tutu-s-o-outes. We did a couple of edibles. We'll call them tut-o-o-o-roots because we don't need people to know what we did.

And it gets out in a great bind of blood. Just note that we did something. All right. How much do those count for? They were about two. Dude, I'm saying if I did half a noont-noons, that would be too much. You ate one of them. I ate two-tu-tloots.

I ate two. You ate two or one? Two. Which ones? The edibles? The edible. Oh, okay. So that's not a two-t-s-luts.

Oh. That's an edible. Oh, okay. Two-to-roots is Big Pharma. Oh, okay. So we did some pills from Big Pharma. You don't need to know what they are. You just said, don't tell anybody anything.

No, no, no, no, not tell nobody nothing. Not specifically. Isn't it, oh, what did they take? What did they take? It's under your fucking pissing. Just know we took something. You know what I'm saying? We took something illegal as a motherfucker.

We couldn't get the dunk and dust. You cannot? No. I couldn't get their fucking... I wouldn't have done the Coke, but you know me. I'll bring it. I'll get it from the fucking I mean. I get it.

I've left it behind that picture of Lee for years. Just hit that picture. There might be a Coke rock. It's up. Just in case the cops come. Open it up. Seriously. It's the high coke behind there and shit like that.

If the cops come, they find it behind a lease. picture. I was going to say, there you go. God damn it. What's behind there? See what that is? Oh, no. What did he put behind there? What is it? It's a check. It's a check for a lot of money.

To who? To Lee from February. Oh, my God. It's like a fucking large check. There you go, Lacey. There's always something behind the curtain. The fuck kind of smuggling shit's going on in here.

You know how many times I lose lease check? Yeah. My wife will leave it on the thing. I lose everybody's check. And not even in like a Jewish way. How did you lose it back there? Because I just left it there from and I forgot to give it to them.

I didn't want to leave it out on the table. I probably forgot it. I told my wife I lost it. So you don't know how many things I lose and find. I'm an old fucking man. Let's get down to the basic of the story. I'm an old fucking man. I've been finding shit lately.

Yeah. I even forgot I had. That little tin of Altois. I found that tin. I swear to God, about three weeks ago. I was going through my closet, and I found a jacket. People with roots of game, they send me a bunch of great t-shirts and stuff. And it's like, I don't know what type of jacket.

It's like a mom-in-a-lee jacket. And I saw a baggie sticking out of the pocket. I put my hand there. And it's like three or four different pills. And then there's an out toy thing in there with these fucking other pills. So I called my buddy and I asked them what those bills when he told me what they were.

I knew what the other skinny white ones were. My buddy always gives them to me when I go to New York. He just gives me like 10 of them. And I put him in the pocket. I figured I even have the shit. Like I just forget. You know how many fucking containers a week? Today I went for a notebook.

Yeah. For the one-man show. And I found that. a fucking that'll kill a normal human who forgets they have a Nathan King Louis in their house I just forgot that for like seasons it was still fresh I had to put it under the heater but I forget shit all the time you ever find something just like where did I get this from I got it if I can make a memory I'll know if it's DMT or MDMA oh no I still got the molly from the other day do you know

We still got to molly. We're going to snort this tonight, Lee. You're going to be squeezing your own titties. Let me tell you something. You're going to be rubbing yourself down, the whole thing. Bubblebat. When you gave me this, the other day, Burtz, I took it home.

I put it in a draw. Yeah. Just a draw. Let's pretend. Tonight, when I went looking for it, while I was looking for that, I found three other things. I found, like, another orphan pill.

I found, like, what's that? It's candy. What kind of candy? Just straight can. Candy, just delicious candy. We'll give it the way he likes candy. It's so sweet, though. Candy's usually coming, those small bags.

He wants some candy little boy. Oh, Jesus. Do you ever get nervous that you're going to forget something in an airport bag? Or if you're leaving, like, Ace, just randomly. Oh, dog, before to get the rolling papers, I went in my suitcase, and I have a baggie that just has, like, sleep back in your shit, an extra tube. You know, just in case something breaks down. a strap in my sleep apnea mask, I'm next to toothbrush, you know,

just stupid shit, extra, what do you call those things for your phone? What? Chargers. Yeah. I got fucking video chargers. I got everything in there, you know. And I found fucking weed in there.

It's the best. Two grams of fucking this great weed that I was wondering what happened to it. This weed, I took it on the road, and I rolled it in joints. I was having heart attacks outside. I don't know where the fuck I was. Chicago, Dallas.

I think I was in Dallas When I went to Dallas I brought this weed It's been in there for fucking a month So what are you Taking it with you What do you got there my friend Um

Oh shit This is normally have candies How many points is that This is a How many points have we done How many points for a bomb here? One right Yeah

At least one Yeah So we're two And then we share the joint That's three Yeah And then what else We did two two two

two two roots count for four five six four points a piece so I did two that's eight other animals are like three no no no no no six there's no no way because no one's gonna take 200 milligrams off your let yeah no that's let me check yeah 200 milligrams is big points on it yeah I think it was one point for 25 milligrams one point for 25 milligrams yeah one point for 25 milligrams listen if you're gonna go so about go but go fucking so broctober yeah you want to snort this molly lee what you want no i don't know what that is but whatever it's let's see um how many points dude i've done more drugs this year than i've ever done i think you left edibles off i did leave edibles off because it's all about the

tolerance for edibles so if one bowl is one point has to be at least be a point a milligram right on my point every five milligrams one no way Every 5 million, every 10 milligrams? For you, 50. For you, 100. I get 100 million, okay, one point. One point. Oh, no, it's there, okay.

50. That's fair, I guess. That's two, four points. But what are his points? His points need to be adjusted then? Three points. Because they don't do nothing to me. They don't do nothing to you.

You would just load up. It's a gentleman's game. Yeah. I'm eating, listen, let me pay you. When I started with, first off, no, no, leave it there for the roaches. Yeah, fucking eat it. First off, this ABX extract, this is edible. I love these edibles.

Yeah. It's like the best edible I've eaten in years. You know why? Why? It's clean, Bobby. There's no sugar. There's no cookie. There's no brownie.

You know, when you drink booze, it's not the alcohol that gets you on all over. It's the sugar. Is that true? Yeah, it's the sugar. Like, when you drink, you ever go out and drink, like, Benia Klaude is one night and get a The next day you wake up feeling like that yeah you got a headache from a hangover But you overdosed your body with sugar like when I would go to my hand I would drink those yeah yeah Yeah, yeah yeah those things are all sugar

So we were eating edibles Jesus Lee and I were eating two cookies a night You're gonna be a fat fuck and then eating a fucking like tonight I feel bad for what's in my kitchen Everything's going to me Do what these you're eating everything yeah you start with apples you try to be nice You start with apples. Next thing you know, you're in peanut butter and saltines and catnip. It's a fucking nightmare. Oh, yeah, fuck it.

We're crushing the points tonight, people. Sob October starts tomorrow. It's Monday to 30th, whatever, the 31st. It don't matter. We're going deep. There's a real All Hollow's Eve. Okay. Fuck you.

So tonight's the second night of Rosh Hashanah, what usually happens? So the same thing. You pray forgiveness. You get God buttered up. Russia Shana is when you get God buttered up. He opens the books from Rushachshana. And then he's, like, thinking about it for about 10 days. And then you don't keep poor.

He fucking closed him. So right now is when you're like, okay, remember, we've been having a good year? You know, now you start asking forgiveness from everybody. Hey, don't let it. When it goes judgment time, forgive me for everything I've done to you. And then same? Like, same. Yeah.

Forgive you. And then like, so God's like, all right, take that out, take that out. You know, and then he just judged you for everything. So you had the whole time, you're like, come on, come on, go easy on me. Please, please. I love you. And he's like, all right, and then by the Yom Kippoor, boom, he shut, and then your fate is sealed for the year.

I love that. Yeah. Nothing I love more when somebody tells you history or religious, and they put it into their own words, and they put humor to it. Yeah. Like what really fucking happened. Like, I had a buddy that that was his specialty. He knew everything about everything when it came to history.

So when he'd tell you about McCartor and this, he would tell you in a comical way and it made more sense. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What a fucking professor tells you with that fucking dramatic voice during class. Pay attention. You know what I'm saying? But that's pretty interesting.

And it's new. I watched your 20 at the story on that. It's very Jewish. Yeah. It's very like letting you know. Yeah. Well, a lot of people haven't been telling this for the last 20 is very interesting. Yeah, I try to do it.

Like you said, like a normal way, you know, where it's just like real like this is really what's happening. You know? not like you have to say this prayer but like it's pretty much just like come on go easy on us it's like you know he'll talk that's really what it is and when you're in new york any jews come up to you a little on the hard side and say something to you or they love it they love it almost always they love it once in a while they'll say something but usually they love it and if they say especially the religious girls i see the girls in the wigs and they come out and i keep an eye on it when i'm going up in new york in manhattan there's frontier jews the frontier jews come out those are like top of the line like

I'm not supposed to go here, but it's not illegal. You know? So they even have the fucking all the things. And they'll like, I'll go out to a comedy club, you know? And so once in a while I see them and then I wait for them, especially the girls when I talk about the girl stuff. They die laughing because somebody's finally including them. I think, you know. Yeah.

But once in a while, people are like, aren't you worried about them coming after us? Like, no, that's right. That's really cool. No, I thought some people would, every, every 20 shows. Yeah. There's got to be one guy after a show that says. Maybe, yeah, maybe, probably that. Usually, though, if I get walkouts, it's because I'm too dirty.

It's usually that. How often you go walkouts? I don't know. Sometimes, you remember? People are like, they're not even angry. They're just like, this is just not for me. This is like a lot more fucks. I thought they go in thinking probably one to zero fucks.

And then once four minutes goes into the opener, they're already like, oh, my gosh. Who's the person? you've ever seen the most walkouts. Most walkouts. Dice would get a lot. Where? At the store. People were just like,

yeah, he loved it. He said he got walkouts in his Vegas shows. People like, it's only for him, you know? He's not like popping in.

People are still like, I didn't know it would be like this. I think you got to get a couple walkouts or you're not doing your job. A couple. You can't be for everybody, you know? Adelaide say something in Chicago.

Yeah, that's the best. About a joke I say about fucking, what's the name, Rose McGowan. Yeah. She goes, you know, that's not an appropriate joke. So, hey, we're not appropriate times. You know, I'm done with, that bothered me last week.

The thing about that kid was signed out. Not that it bothered me for the, it didn't bother me or anger me. It just bothers me about the future comics now. and what they're thinking and what they're being, what's being said to them, and how that's really going to change the face of comedy of people who just really want to go up to and say something. They in the LA Times came out that circulated on Twitter and Facebook. I retweeted it and they spoke about the comedy store and Doug, let me tell you something.

And Ari knows on Sunday nights I had intensive talks with Missy Shaw. I used to have intensive talks. Yeah. Yeah minutes at a time and it was horrible between because there was a comic on stage But she talked to me and she told me she called me like she called it like fluff or something She didn't like it she wanted you to be yourself Yeah She wanted you to say whatever the fuck you wanted to say nothing was taboo up there

I mean remember watching Kennison the first time and going wow he does that joke about the fucking people live out the sand and he's like you know We're humanitarian. We try to help you. Why don't you go somewhere where shit grows? You're in the fucking desert. You know you don't know what I'm talking about? No, he does something that is just, even I was like, wow.

That's what she wants. Mitzi Shaw wanted ruckus. Mitsy Shaw wanted you. Yeah, she liked ruckus. For sure. She sure wanted you to create ruckus. if you watch Kenison like that, you've never seen

that about the sand will let you grow. Once or what? Go ahead. It's... Are we going to get you pulled off, I think? Who gives a fuck? It's on Vimeo

about the sand. Something about it doesn't grow here that we give in them an lot of aid. Who? Oh, it's Kenison. Kenison. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got an idea. Go to where the fucking sand. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't go where the sand is. All that sure. Yeah. That's, to me, that was the most taboo shit. I ever fucking heard. Yeah. That and Richard Pryor was it something I said that the nigger's crazy. Oh, really?

Crazy as shit I've ever heard. Jesus on the railroad depot when he told Jesus not to go down there messing with them Jews without no money. I heard that in 72 or 71. I was a kid. I almost died. Don't go. He goes, I met Jesus down in the railroad depot.

I told that motherfucker Don't go down there messing with those Jews Without no money That's a fucking funny fucking joke So like how do you Or I guess maybe it doesn't matter But so if you If that works at the store

There's a lot of clubs where They're gonna go They're gonna freak out if you say stuff like that You know they're not? No they're not Because of Ritchie Shire wanted from you Was to keep working on that bit So when you do go on the road That joke comes off

Just like you're the original. Right now, the training I did the last year after my Netflix debacle, which I said a thousand times, it's just a train at the comedy store. I was wasting my time doing spots everywhere else. I'm a Marine. Why am I going to hang out with the Air Force guys? I'm a fucking Marine.

Why am I going over to this club and hanging out with fucking Army fucking whatever? They're medics. I was raised to be a killer. Missy Shore created killers. That was what she wanted. Look at her resume. When you watch those Rodney tapes,

they were all her killers. They were handcrafted killers. That's what she wanted you to be. That's why whenever people are in the bind, they go to the comedy store. You want to find fucking talent to do a project. You go to that fucking comedy store. Yeah.

There's a chick. There's an old man, a young guy, a Chinese guy, a black guy. There's everything you need rolled up in one fucking stop. You know, and that's what she, that's what, after the Netflix thing, I was like, I'm wasting my time with all this bullshit. Nobody wants to hear your ideas talking about his daughter.

Yeah, here or there. But nobody, that's not what I'm about. What do you mean? It's not what I'm about. Oh, yeah. If I am going to talk about my daughter, it's something in the, you know, the world we live in today. I'm raising in the world we live in. I don't give a fuck about what they're telling me that I'm raised.

I'm telling you how to raise a fucking kid. So they're better than everybody else because nobody else is raising their kids. with that kind of integrity. I see kids losing their minds all the fucking time. I'm around them more. Now more than ever. I'm like, wow, who the fuck's raising this kid? A nanny.

So I see the fucking whatever, you know? But I don't, I don't, how can you fire me from a TV show because I put something on Twitter? What about the guy kidnapped 30 years ago? You really, you know what I'm saying? You're really going to give a fuck? They call it the cancel call.

So what are you going to cancel? What are you going to cancel on us? A gig where? Unless you rape somebody or you fucking, even if you take your dick out now, Louis C.K. proved you're still selling out. So you got to rape the bitch and get caught with the fucking kid.

You know, 23 and me's got to be there with the fucking kid. And then you got, you got, you know, like if you fucking, even sexual harassment, they give you a little break now they put you back in yeah even once his name is back Ari from fucking

Johnny Piven yeah I've seen him around yeah he's doing stand-up yeah but they gave him a series or a movie they put him in a movie really yeah they easing him back in yeah they use you back in but everybody get listen how bad was Robert Did you know that Harvey Weinstein is out like around town

you know somebody who was a waitress and he came in and she was like None of the waitress was like, hey, we don't really want to serve him. And they were like, you have to. And they were like, we don't really want to. Yeah. Like this fucking stuff. We don't like that guy.

But he's just out going out. What's he going to do? I guess. Yeah, I always thought he was like gone and died. No, he's in New York, right? I guess so. Yeah, he's in New York. He's in a safe haven.

Yeah. He goes to a temple once a week. Can you imagine if you were sitting at one of those like, at like communal tables and you go out of one of those small places and you have to just sit next to other people, and then Harvey Weinstein is right next to you. Can you imagine like, hey, what's up to about 10 minutes? Who sucked your dick the best?

Oh, my God. What's the best blog job you got in Hollywood? And he'll tell you, you know what? Believe it or not, it was this one extra one time. She sucked my dick like she wanted a voucher. Wait, wait, you don't think you'd stay in your house? I would stay in my house. I would for a while, I guess.

I wonder. Lucy Kay. I mean, what do you feel like? What do you go through? How long can you stay at the house? I get fidgety after like a couple days. Maybe three or four, yeah, I get three or four days. Now, let me give you another side of that.

Let me tell you for a month after I got out of fucking county jail. Yeah? What? Or prison? You feel like shit. You go to the supermarket. The chick knows you were in jail. You go to the gas station.

The fucking guy knows you're in jail. In your mind. So I can't. imagine being Louis C.K. Yeah. Who got all this shit taken from him one day or being R.V. Weinstein who got everything taken from you. What do you do?

What do you do? In Lewis C.K.'s situation, what do you do? Exactly what he did? He dropped off the face of the earth for a month or two. And then he said, I can't stay in this fucking house. You got to go out. I got to go out. And they took them back at the comedy seller. Yeah. They accepted them back. So that's it.

Little by little. He didn't bother nobody. Somebody tried to fuck with him along the way and taped one of his sets that he was working out shit. And they made a big deal about it for no fucking reason. And he's back. He's just selling out to Ranto. There was an article today that he doesn't want tape recorder. There's nobody taking notes.

You know, whatever. Everybody has their own thing. But we've become the judge, the jury. What's that expression? An execution. An execution. You ever see one of those things when everyone gets mad about something? And you're just like, in your head, you're just like,

I don't even see what you guys are even talking about. I don't see what you're talking about. Like, what? Like, sometimes you're like, oh, is this a right reaction? Is this a wrong reaction? And then other times you're like, wait, I'm not even sure I see where you guys are like, what are you even talking about? It seems like a fucking made up anger sometimes, you know?

Where it's like, nah, I don't really think you think about this. And the bus drone is for no reason. Look at this guy, the prime minister who can't. Trudeau. Okay, take a look at his poor bastard Now, he's sitting there at home six months ago Watching world news tonight Just like my fucking fat ass

And he's watching what that guy went through in Georgia In college, he fucking put on blackface And they tried to accuse him now And then the guy was like, man Not only that, I put on blackface one time For Michael Jackson Who said that? The governor of Georgia, how hilarious?

Oh, yeah, yeah You know, and he didn't mean it You could tell he had no fucking language pushing his heart again they tried to blow it up I don't know who was the right or the left I don't even know what that means but then you got a guy like true do they're sitting at home that jerk off sees this right instead of going hey you know what going to his defense and going hey you know what years ago I got drunk and some chicks put black face on me and released those photos look what he went through last

week yeah is that his story that he got drunk and I don't know but I'd rather go to the punch before they do What do you mean go to the punch? Get there before they do. They're going to find out. Yeah. Listen. You know what?

I'm sorry. Bidinau, they were blackmailing him. He's run for a governor of Jerusalem, way back, mayor of Jerusalem. And his opponent took a bunch of pictures of him cheating on his wife and sent it to him. Said drop out or these go to the fucking press. And then he called a press conference himself with his wife. Said this guy's blackmailing me. That's private matter shit.

And he fucking shot up and beat the guy. That's it. Yeah. Beat them before. Don't feel shame. That's what that John Ronson book says. No. The ones who don't actually feel any shame, it doesn't really touch them.

Listen, if you, nothing bothers me more when you look at a guy and he's got veins coming out of his neck and they got popped with steroids. And he's telling you he didn't do it. Yeah. You hit 22 or months a year, 18, 19, 20, 18, again, 47. And then back to 19. And they look you straight in the eye and they're telling you this, I don't get mad at those people yeah i feel bad for them because this is what they have to do to keep it together you know i've

got tons of skeletons of closet we all do yeah you know if i feel i've pretty much released pretty much all the skeletons in my closet except a few aces i'm holding on to in case the judge needs to renegotiate my escape to nicaragua yeah you got to have some stuff to sell i got to have some stuff to sell average well I mean I because like your question is why not just come out with it like I see if I'm Trudeau and I see how angry everyone's getting I'm like fuck I bet I forgot about it though I bet he could be like yeah that's bullshit you guys shouldn't wear blackface and like what about you it's like no I never do that and they remember this and he'd be like oh yeah that's right I think everybody's got some of those things like so you're like whatever it wasn't a big deal nobody made a big deal

of it at the time and then he was like he forgot about it because it was so inconsequential. It wasn't like he was at a clan rally doing it. You know, he was doing it out in public or no one thought it was a bad thing. What killed me about the thing with Sinai Live was that the guy said that he went back to episode 114.

And the guy had said something. Right. So either when the guy got put on Sin Out Live, he had listened to all his stuff or he was somebody who put on that podcast said, fuck, I'm offended. a week later the poor kid gets put on a sign of that line and he raises his hands

do you think it was that or do you think it's someone like okay these are the people who got S&L let me get let me get one yeah the pastest way to a good story is to just get somebody so but what did you do? Did you listen to every fucking yeah you went quickly here's why I know

because he stopped I mean yeah he could have gotten way worse stuff when it was like I'm sure you know when it was like oh he said this it was like well I found something quickly go It's like you're just rushing to try to hurt somebody. It's not your thing. It's not for you.

Don't listen to it. It's obviously not for you. Just don't listen to it. You're only coming here to be angry. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's like, don't listen to it. Just don't come. It's, ah, they always get on comedy.

It's in fucking 80 seat basements. Just don't come here. It's the smallest amount of people I actually watching. About three months ago, I went up to a wages at the store. that's worth it to stop for about 20 years. I noticed that she was a young girl. Yeah.

And we always hug now and kiss. For years, I see her, and it's great to see it. I don't know, a couple months ago, whatever. I saw that one. I said to, hey, again, I beat it to the punch. She's a sweetheart. Like, I remember that morning you picked me up for radio? I asked you for a blood job like 20 times.

And I go, you could have fucked up. and said something. And she goes, you know why? I didn't say anything. I go, why? She goes, because you were the best one at all.

You were the commerce ones. She goes, I can name names of guys ripping my shirt off. Damn, really? You know, you pick up a comic at six in the morning to do radio. He's coming down off that fucking margin dust.

At 5 o'clock, he starts jerking off. All of a single girl picking him to do radio, you're throwing out all the curves. You only don't even want to do ready. You just take your dick out and start whacking off in the car. Jesus.

I remember I jerk. I fucking snorted till she picked me up. Really? And we went to like three radio stations. I went for the last radio station. I'm like, listen. I got a rock on the house. Come on, come on.

Let's go back to the house. I heard you suck a tremendous dick. She had blown some other comic and I heard about him. I heard you suck a tremendous dick. I can't. I haven't even had a drink yet and all this shit. Yeah, it's like, what, eight in the morning? It was like, five, six in the morning.

But it was like six at night night. Yeah. Fucking crazy. And she said, you know what? Think going back, you were one. the comest one. She names and names. I'm like, really? She goes, oh, these motherfuckers are savages.

So does that mean that stuff used to work? Like, because if you did it, that means, like, a certain amount of times that kind of, if you said that, she'd be like, yeah, I'll come over. What a lot of people don't understand is you can't put, like, comedy club, like, behavior. You can't judge it against an office behavior. Right.

We hang out until fucking 4 a.m. The place closes it, too. I'll hang out before you. I'm doing like drinking and doing coat. It's like it's not, it's just a party every night. You're just partying.

People are hooking up left and right. I mean, not really, really. I'm not like every day, but like, you know, we're all fucking young, wannabe comics, want to be actors and actresses.

You know, I did comedy for three years before I got into a scene. Yeah. You know, like when you fall into a scene. I did, I started in 91, and I knew,

comedians and I say hello to them at different shows in Denver but it wasn't until like late 93 that I got into like what you got into in 98 of the store to that scene 2 000 yeah Freddie Duncan Bobby Lee you lived and died for one another yeah nobody had money when you got your first commercial you took everybody to pink down for sandwiches yeah right right you know you lived and died for one of the bobby take us to jerry's yeah like all that type of shit going to carnies all that nasty shit that's around there but it's weird i didn't get into that till like my third year in comedy and it was a party five nights a week harvey wasn't it last week i yelled at you you caught me at five to town at home i'm like what are you doing home right

it was a party every night 31 years old yeah every night it's a party every night after it's like the third and a half year it's a party you get together with it's a party you get together with it's Six guys and four comic chicks. And then you go straight to juries or something like that or straight to somewhere else or a diner. And they go hang out for three hours. Go Burr special. Yeah, you're talking the parking lot.

It's fucking a nightmare. You talk in the apartment. And there's always four chicks in the group. Yeah. A little married, one that just broke up with a boyfriend. One that will suck your dick. If you keep her out past three o'clock. Everybody's well-known.

She's already done some of the comics. And I'm not putting those women down. No, they stay, hey, they're great. They're great. That's the society we're in. And when I was an open mic... Every year, there was one girl, two out of every three years. There was at least somebody.

You could say, like, you could just look at her across the bar and she looked at you and you just like nod and she's like, and they just go. You just go to the back. That's it. That's it. It was such... My 94, 95, I was having such a great time in Denver.

Yeah. I was part of a clique. And when they got a gig, they would... And I was part of like four clicks, but one click that was... We were all the same. We had all been doing comedy four, three and a half years. Maybe one guy was doing six years, and he was featuring already. Ooh, like, you know, Jackie Flynn asked me to open for him last week at the comedy store,

and you're like, ooh, you know, that type of shit, you know. There was just a little click of you. That click, I hung out with them from November of 93 to June of 95. Who was in your click? At that time, Jeff Sargent. Jimmy Abeda, Andy Payton, this black dude. There were a couple chicks that were comics. I don't even remember their names.

I don't even know if they're doing it. You know, I wasn't in with features and headliners. I was in with guys that were beginning to have lines. We were beginning to feature triple runs. Oh, really? You come back and we'd hug you. Congratulations. How was it?

You're like, oh, my God. Wait until you go to Boise. And you're like, ooh, I can't wait to go to Boise. You know, those are the people. My point is that you were with that. Right. When I first met you, you ran with those guys for four or five in the moon. Yeah, but those guys were like open mics together.

And we're like, hey, we're better than these like crazy people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you guys had it going on. You guys worked at the store. You guys were tight. I'll never forget that you. You had that little click of Savage. Yeah, Renazizi.

John Caparulo. Kevin Rihullo. Yeah, uh, what, the Spanish kid, Rick Ramos. Almost, yeah. You know, this is like, this is like, Mike Black. Mike Black. Mike Black. Yeah, Carbone, Painter.

Painter crushed. Painter changed everybody. He was so fucking dark. We couldn't believe it. He was so, he was like, when you would do the employee section, it was like a question if you go pre-painter or a post-painter because he would either destroy, like, level the place where, like, No one else could go on to that level of laughter for like three more comics.

Or he would bomb so bad that like everyone in the audience felt like weird for a while. He made me feel creepy. Like they saw something terrible. I saw him do some creepy stuff. And then I heard it was creepy offstage. No, he just liked to fuck a lot. Right, yeah. He like put it out there for everybody.

He put it out there. Oddly very Christian. Very Christian. Would not say hell. Say heck. Dropping heck as in stories of like. He got into a big fight with Carboni about they were watching porn. It was early porn where there's not many rules.

And there was a porn of a dog eating out a girl. A woman. Excuse me. I'm bad. A woman. They sold? On the internet. It was just on the internet.

Okay. I don't know. When like people had passwords and stuff. And Carbone was disgusted by it. And Payne was like, she's got nice tits. And then Carbone is like, what are you talking about? She's getting out by a dog. He was like, that has nothing to do with the quality of her tits.

They got to a screaming match over it. That is disturbing. A dog eating not a woman. I can't watch that. I can't watch that. In the early days of the internet, like you would download something. It would say like regular porn. And the worst one I saw was like a German shepherd fucking lady from like way far away.

You see some crazy stuff. The days of like lime wire. I don't see that. You have to download your porn. Yeah, it was days like that. So you'd get porn and you have it. Like, hey, let's watch my porn, I guess. Right.

Oh, my God. And then Yoshi would come around with his doors. I just remember Yoshi coming around and giving you boxes of porn. When you saw Yoshi, it's like, Yoshi, you already ate or you're coming in and he's like, you already ate? Like, can we go to your car? He's like, yeah, I just hand your CDs. I had a neighbor that I would give those to. He would jump up and down when I gave him because I don't watch porn.

what yo shoes give me he was just giving me this homemade shit some black guy fucking a white chick you know she's she didn't want to be there I don't want to watch that shit I really don't guys I can't I don't want to see a fucking chick

getting eaten out by a dog even though if I had a crazy chick come on my house and we were doing coke and shit I'd ask her let you my dog eat your pussy while I put my dick in your mouth that would be a tremendous fucking video but they throw you in jail

They'll film that self. They'll pull you under the jab. You might as well fucking five-year-old. Can't really fuck a dog anymore. It really has changed. I don't want to watch that. I really know. I don't want to just come across it.

I want to know what I'm getting into. You must produce it. Oh, it's like, you can look away when you see it and suddenly it's that. Suddenly it's a horse fucking video. You're just like, you know you can't just look away. So now you're watching it. Like, I don't know what a rogan in you all those years. I never turn.

Turned on the video where the horse fuck. I saw it. It was disturbing the second time. The first time you get through it, because it's like your brain can't make sense of it. And then the second time you see it about halfway through, you're like, oh, okay, then it all hits you, like in the middle.

And so then you're like. Is that the one where he dies at the end? He dies afterwards. Allegedly, no one really knows. That's what they said. But you can see that definitely that could have happened. How big was the horse's dick? Far bigger than his ass.

No shit. It was like, it was like that. It was about that, but thicker. But it's about that long. Now he had a friend with him. Right? See, I wouldn't call that a friend. But he had a guy.

Obviously, he went to some. Brogan out a bit about that guy. Right. Brogan had a hysterical bit. But looking back, somebody calls you up and says, sorry, can I meet you for coffee and Starbucks? I have to run something by you. Yeah.

And you're like, maybe he wants to borrow money. Sure. I'm always there for you. What do you need, buddy? Yeah, let's show, let's talk. Listen, I don't know if you know this, but I'm beyond gay. You're like, I don't get it. What do you mean?

And you're like, how you went to bondage? Not really. Do you like the fucking groups? Not really. I've done it, but I'm not. So then what do you mean by Beyond Gay? Oh, my God. At that time, I went to Pennsylvania with my friends from my school.

Yeah, sure. For the homecoming. When I went on the fucking horse, I noticed how big his dick was. And I had taken a shit one time that was 18 19 inches and I figured I could put the horse's dick up my ass So that night I went when everybody was sleeping I went to the stable and I vaseline my ass I didn't eat no lunch or dinner Because I wanted an empty stomach on purpose on purpose And I moved the horse up I went dog you saw I was a fucking nightmare. It was like being in downward dog Oh and I had it going downward dog and finally I got the

Tipping my asshole, but I don't know, horses have some type of infections. So I ended up in the hospital and infection, and I read up on and online. Oh, in those days, encyclopedia online, and you have to take a special shot for a horse to fuck you in the ass. Meanwhile, you're sitting there going,

so what are we getting at here? So, yeah, why did you get me in the back for this? So the reason why I need your force would be my lookout. I want to go to this barn. I'm knowing you for a long time. Please don't share this with nobody else. No. Right away, you're like, well, I got a secret to tell you.

A couple of nights ago, I went home and I had peanut butter on my balls. And my girlfriend's chihuahua licked it. And I kind of like it myself. So now I just buy dogs that are abandoned. I have them lick my balls and I kill them. And I drop on the corner so there's no evidence. You know, this is two fucking minds. This is two people that met.

And just think about that. It's like heroin people. in LA. Like I did blow for 20 years in LA and I think one person in 22 years ever came up to me and said, hey, do you want to do heroin? It was a chick, you know, whatever. That was crazy and I knew her and I was doing other drugs. But heroin people attract heroin people. You do any heroin? I did it not with her that night. I did it a couple years afterwards. What was it like? Tremendous. Oh, tremendous. Remember I told the story on your fucking show? Yeah, when I went to Gunter's house And he gave me a line of white heron When I sold him, me and Dedey sold him

Like a TV, right? No, it was a cabinet to put dishes And he was a beater collector. An armed, is that what that call? I think that's what I'm telling it. And we went over there And we went over in the afternoon And Gunter Brown looked just like Tony I owe me

And he was a pervert And I didn't know he was a pervert to them. that day. Gunther? It had to be like a Saturday or a Sunday. And he answered the door with a robot. And no shoes on, just a robe. He's like, what's up?

And I'm like, we want to know if you want to buy this. And he goes, yeah, it looks interesting. I know you like those type of pieces. And he goes, I'm kind of busy right now. Can you come back in a few hours? And I'll square it with you. He goes, make it like 8 o'clock. And I'm like, fuck.

Hunter's not going to pay me. But I knew Gunther had money. Gunther had family money. He lived on the corner next to this family called the Denny's, who were just as crazy. They had like three boys and their sister, and one of them were twins. She was twins with Mike, who was my buddy, and he was a fucking nightmare. They called him the devil. He's in jail right now for killing his wife in North Carolina.

When we were kids, we called him the devil. Like when they call you the devil when you're 15, you got problems. And people would say, where are you going to? I'm going to this place with Denny. you really want to hang on with the devil. Like, that's how bad he was. There was always something. Always something with Mike Denny.

Then he had a brother who played the guitar, and he had fake teeth, and he had long hair. He thought he was Jimmy Page. But in real life, he had a chick. The under man, he would just tell her. Suck his dick. What?

And she would suck your dick. And one night, he took it to a party in my hometown, my junior year. I was not there. and she sucked like 18 dicks so they called the Marathon Woman but now there was a big push A lot like all these guys got together

Let's break that record Let's break that record And they took it back to a house By Franklin School one night Jimmy Denny was his name And this chick must just suck 20 Cox and broke her record I was not around

And the next day they kept calling The Marathon Woman at school Marathon Woman I mean and everybody knew it And she walked around like Nothing happened. Yeah. And thinking back, now you could see she wasn't crazy looking.

Yeah. She was good looking. It was good looking, as a matter of fact. But look, thinking back, you can see that there was something wrong there. At an early age, she was 17, 18. It's weird when you see a crazy person, they still have their looks, and then you're just like, can't make sense of it. You're like, oh, you're going to be homeless in like a year, you know? where it's like you're just in the very beginnings of crazy

and it's like it's all going to go to shit that was a crazy fucking neighbor did you ever hear what happened to her marathon woman not really you look like somebody drew you and then stopped when they got to the eyes yeah that's how I feel they I know I saw her high school year I remember her high school picture the year book picture really disturbed me

really because she put like she had a saying under her name, like it was like her name, that all the people on that whole list, she put like a saying. Oh, right. So live forever or something. I'm like, how are you going to fucking be 28? And tell your husband, you suck 40 dicks,

you junior year in high school. That is probably something that wouldn't. She probably sucked dirty dicks because there were dudes that were there for seconds, but there was a ton of dudes talking about it. The next thing, she would swallow, too. Swallowing load. She had a stomach.

for a week. But getting back to Gunther Brown. So, I might I went over there without Didi. And I remember going there, and he gave me the 60. Which was he did he was a crazy friend of mine. He's still around now. I just talked to him last week. He moved from the shore back up north with his brother, good friend of mine, solid.

Him and his brother with dear friends in mind. He told me, in fact, I told the reason Didi wasn't with me because that guy, Gunter, lived close to me, and I was headed to Didi. and we were going to D-D-D-D-D's to get coke afterward but I go by Gunther and he says come in come in he's still got a robe on there's beer bottles everywhere and he's like sit around and he goes hey listen to this I remember Led Zepp on live was on that live album from the garden and we were just talking to where you and me on he just gave me a beer I didn't know if he was lonely and in the middle of the conversation he goes listen there's a chick back there in the bathroom she passed out I've been doing drugs no fuck day if you want her she likes to suck dick while you sit on the toilet and I'm like that's okay now here's the crazy thing guys that I'm a young man I'm maybe 17 my mother was dead and like when you're 17 you'll take a blowjrap from a man from anything you'll take a blowjraft from anything yeah when he was like she's passed out

in the bathroom but I'll wake her up you want your dick sucked and I'm like no that's okay that's how scary it was all right and he was an avid beetle collector what was the part that freaked you out like which one like the chick passed out in the fucking bathroom sometimes there's leaps in like a sexual experience you're like i'm not ready for this fucking leap i wasn't ready for that i was ready you know when i was 17 i had hopes and dreams that they were i was gonna you know go and throw roses up in the air and something who's on the side you know i didn't think i was going to get my dick sucked on the street of some dirty chick that's i remember the To the toilet?

That's what she wanted. That's what turned her on. To suck your dick while you sat in the toilet. And I go, no, that's okay. And I go, I'm thinking about it. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no, sit around, wait. You want to do a line of Coke? We did a line of Coke, I think.

We started talking about music. And he goes, you ever do heroin? And I go, no. And right there, I knew he was going to ask me. I just knew it. You know, when you get that ball in your neck and you're like, now between you and I, at that age, this is something that, even though I didn't want to live anymore

because I didn't have a mother. I didn't want to go out by heroin. You know what I'm saying? I don't mind getting fucked up and getting hit by a car or being getting fucked up and jumping off a bridge. But dying of heroin,

I just didn't want that on my record. I just didn't want that tarnish. As crazy as it sounds. Yeah. And my mouth was like, he's like, you want to do a line? Just a little line or something. I'm like, sure.

Why not? And I did it. I don't know. I don't remember if I got sick. I think I got sick. But I didn't trip. Like when I told the story on your show, people were yelling at me the next day. Like, you don't trip on heroin.

But it was something. Like, you just feel this fucking lump in your stomach. My body went numb. I felt like, you know, before you feel like before you have surgery. Yeah. That feeling that everything's funny and, like, everything's distance. And then I went out I went somewhere

Like I went somewhere for a while And then I came back And I started going in and out of it And it was just a tiny bit But I had never done it before You know I don't remember if I did get sick now Because I got sick a bunch of times

Doing that stuff You always puke when you do that And that's when it kicks in Once you puke Oh really? Yeah that Chinese heroin From Chinatown It kicks in once you puke

Once you puke That's when you know, like, that's what I heard. Wow. Oh, yeah, yeah, heroin. Yeah. That was the first time. And I remember, like, I felt really shitty about myself that night. I don't remember walking home.

I don't remember none of that shit. It was a long fucking time ago. And then I didn't do heroin again until I was locked up. How did it feel when you were on it, though? That night? Yeah. I don't know. I just was fucked up.

Right. Like, I was getting fucked up every night those days. At that age, I was doing something. Yeah. How old? 17. Damn. 16 and a half. Like, I still remember snort angel dust.

And like, they're gonna hit ass and going home like a 10 o'clock and like fucking having a nervous breakdown. Yeah. Watching TV and The Exorcist was on. I had master reality. Like, all that shit was too heavy for my little 17 year. So I didn't do it again until I went to prison. In that time, it really didn't work because they had to melt Mexican heroin into my nose. It comes to like a goop.

So they had to melt it down to a liquid, and then they scooped it up with like a dropper. And I had to bend my head back, and they put it in my nose because I didn't want to shoot it. I'm a pussy. I didn't want to shoot it. Why does that seem worse? I know. I don't know. Listen, when you're young, that's the mistakes you made.

Yeah. Oh my gosh, I can't imagine. I didn't shoot it in my nose. I dropped it in my nose, like this brown tasting shit. And I don't remember if anything happened. And then in 93 in New York, I did a line with my brother. And that fucked me up. And the next morning, he told me,

because you did a line that could have killed a horse. Well, thanks for telling me. Thanks for telling me. And then I didn't touch it again. until 2007. Really? Yeah. But I did it right, I didn't do a lot,

I would just do a little key. And what does that do? That was it, I would get fucked up for like three, four hours, I would just pass out and go to sleep. Damn, I'm crazy. Yeah, it's so Brock Dobe. You could save that shit for next month, bitch.

That's right. So what's your plan? When do you start missing Rifa? I'll probably start, but I'll you miss it. I've been enjoying it in LA, smoking in the car. I went to in and out, and the guy was taking my cash, and he was like, damn, that smells good.

I was like, yeah, it's good. You just sit in line and just, like, smoked, listen to the radio. Dude, I got home yesterday. I put my car in. I smoked some new songs on the radio, and I just pulled in and just listened to the radio. I didn't even, like, move. I didn't even turn the car off for, like, 40 minutes.

I just sat there listening to the radio. What I want? You know you want to smoke weed in the car and drive. You do know that. They'll throw you in the jam. When? When? When?

Who said that? They got a new test. No, someone, no one had said that. Who said that? No, that's not a real thing. No. First of all, they have to catch you, which is not going to happen because I'm an excellent speed driver when I'm on the weed. Yeah, so what are you going to do?

Allude them. Allude them for a while. Just get to an underpass. You got to get to an underpass. That's for you losing. The helicopter's got you. You've got to get to a garage or some kind. They can't bash you.

So you take the ticket, right? The thing goes up. Then you ease, ease. When the thing goes down, then they have to take a ticket. ticket otherwise and then you quickly go get out of that car and fucking bolt what fucking ticket are you talking about that ticket to let you into the garage

no that's yeah that you're watching we saw a car chase yesterday what you have to do is you have to get to where okay the helicopter's got you got you got to get off from where they can see you right okay the helicopter's got a fucking spotlight right so you got to go underground of some kind at a garage

there's a thing that comes up to let you into the garage you got to get in one of those right take the ticket And then when the thing goes down as you go, then the cop behind you, now he's got to wait a second. He's got to get a ticket and things go up. You take that 15 seconds, bolt, go fast. And then jump out that car,

put in a spot, jump out, run somewhere else. And that's your only shot. That's your only shot. Are they going to lock down the whole building? And do they know what you look like? I don't think so. I did that already. Well, how is it not going to work?

Because they're sitting waiting, bait you in that area. You're what? You're in the office building. I'm just here at Warby Parker store. office building if you escape by an hour away they bring a fucking dog and that dog gets you sent and they start sniffing around oh shit there's so many things oh so they get where the car is they smell that once you smile you're dead they get a scent on plus you if it's your car they know who you are and then if you it's not your car it's not your car oh no no it is in this

scenario yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah they would get you with a rental car you still had to put your card down. My thing is this. This is my thing. They've given us the gift of leather smoke. Yeah. They're giving you the gift of us going to a store. Yeah. The least we could do is say, you know what? I'm like, I don't like smoking in my car. I don't like it in a car. If I get pulled up, I got no light to stand up on. I'm dead. And now they have a test. So if you get pulled over, and you've got red eyes, they got like a litmus test. Really? Or some swipe of your tongue, or there's something. So those days are long gone.

Wow. So you've got to put Vizine in your eyes. I mean, well, you can't afford a fucking DUI right now. Why? This would be the perfect time to get one. No. I don't drive very much.

It would be the perfect time to get a DUI. You never want to lose your driving privilege. I know, but of all the times to get it, when I live in a city where I don't need it, is a, it's a helpful time. It's a fucking horrible. We live in an age of Uber? It's a horrible blemish on your record.

That's true. It's 2000. But not now, specific it's 2019 i ubered here you i know that's what i'm saying if you get a DUI in today's society your ass all you should be shot you're asshole because it's everywhere yeah your brother-in-law got a lub I'm sorry a DUI he had to go to classes who he i'm just saying oh right your brother-in-law everybody's brother-in-law got a fucking DUI that listens to this podcast he's a fucking loser and he drank one night and he fucking got a die yeah you're not 22 and now he's got to pay a fine

He's got to take classes. He got points on his license. It's Uber. That's why Uber is so fucking popular. It reminds me, though, of the Kinnison bit. And the question is, but what are you going to do with your car? How are you going to get your car home? You've got to just say, like, maybe I'll get a ticket.

What do you mean? Like, let's say you drove somewhere and then you started doing hell of drugs and you got to get home. People are always like, but my car is on the street. I can't leave it out in the morning. We'll figure that out when we burn that brink when we get to it. Well, for right now, shut your mouth, do the Coke. And let's enjoy the evening. We'll figure that out of the morning.

Maybe the dentist will leave out of his spot. We'll put you in the building. I did too much tonight already. What did you do? We've got to take another edible. No, no. I already realize. I mean, way more than it.

We're running light here, gentlemen. You know what I'm saying? This is a light night, 200 milligrams. Wait, you ready? It's the mixing. It's a problem. What mix it? We got a couple of salutes.

This is so bad cobb. You're lucky I didn't bring beer. I even got CBD all to calm you down. If anybody loses there, nerve to know, anything starts twitching. Let me know I got nice CBD off from CBDline.com. When are you going to get a heroin sponsor? Soon, soon.

I'm talking to the Turks as we speak. I'm talking to a division of ISIS as you speak. Is it going to be like a dealer or you're going to get like the distributor? I'm going to get everything, the jingle, the whole thing. I could see you in an opium den, like an old Chinatown. opium den i can see you just down there had i been that have you and duncan one on the left and one on the right put our shoes off getting a footrun or a chinese woman little chinese guy comes you smoke opium with him you start hallucinating he puts a towel on you with cold water does it's gonna be all right

chinese you have no idea you have no idea jack that's a party for some people They just rub your head with a cold towel. Wow. It's going to be all right. You start sweating profusiously. They put ice back on your neck. Dude, I see those guys in New York gacked out. You ever see them?

Yeah. They fucking... On heroin or... Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Is that heroin? Yeah, methadone too. They're over, they're all the way over.

Their head almost hits the ground, but it doesn't hit the ground. Or they're standing up, and they're bent over, and they look like a fucking human question mark. They're just like... I don't even know how they stand. Can I ask you question? Is that big in there? New York again? Yeah, and then just stand.

Where? In the village or in the west side of the east side? Village, west side. A lot of near NYU, a little unrelated, I think. But like... It's a college. There's got to be somebody who's an agent. Yeah, maybe they have people giving away money or something.

I don't know. What do you mean giving away money? I mean, why that's why the homeless people are there. I don't know. I'm saying like people are donating to them. I don't know why they're there. But yeah, there's a park or two where you can still score.

Really? Yeah, there's a park near my house. I guess that's what you'd get, like, if you wanted to get. You're just going to a dealer. But that's where all the homeless, like, junkies are. And what do you? Have you ever got weed there? No.

I've gotten it at the other park near the cellar. Really? Yeah. It's, Joey, you would be so angry. You think there's any sort of reaction to any bad jokes in the world. You would never stop, you wouldn't stop yelling about it for four months, about how bad the weed was. It was, like, smoking air. there is nothing.

And they did a switch on you that I saw, but even when they let me smell, they're like, hey, smell this and I smelled it. And then I saw him do the switch, but I'm like, hey, dude,

the shit you just had me smell also smelled like nothing. Like, I know you're going to switch it to something worse, but like, it was already below the level of, I've had wind. Indonesia, I've had weed.

That was, it was, okay, it was not as bad as that, but it was slightly worse. It was almost as bad. Well, they don't check it out of LAX now.

Yeah, they don't check it. Take it with you. 28.5 grams. Is what? That's what you're allowed to take on your luggage. 28.5. Is that an ounce? 28.5 grams.

28.5. They even give you five for the baggie. Yeah, it's an ounce. Yeah. So you can travel with it. You have to break it apart, like women's breast milk? Yeah, no. You can put it in 28.5, put in two baggies and put in your travel kit.

Yeah. The edibles, if you fly, I mean, unless you want to be a fucking show. off. You take these, you empty and you put them with your regular vitamins. They're part of your blood pressure. We all have that package where you take a pill for your extension or your leg or whatever the fuck of this.

You just put one in there. So I have these all mixed in. Right. Yeah, so you know. I have edibles. You lose track of them though, huh? I lose track. Sometimes I'm like, yeah, which ones with these? What happened was, I took the 25s when they switched into the hundreds and gave one to Lee

and he ate like 225s. I was eating through hundreds. So now I got those. I remember the fucking switch. You're the devil. So now I'm at the house and I have that switch bottle next to me. But I got a closet full of ABX, 100 milligrams, 50s, and 25s. Why do they even make those hundreds?

I mean, they make them for you, I guess. No, they make these for everybody. These are for everybody. Josh Wolfe said he ate two of them one night. Yeah. And he was planning to drive home from San Diego. Yeah. And on stage, he got like a nervous breakdown.

He went back to his room, laying on the bed. He goes, in 10 minutes, I'll be all right. And he woke up the next day at 10 in the fucking morning when his sneakers on and right on. That's how good these fucking things are. When they first started coming around, it took me a long time to adjust to 100 milligrams. I just started popping, too.

What are you talking about? You've been on 250s. And this is nothing. That's why these are so fucking strong. Why would you? Well, we first got, all right, When we were doing the stars, we built such a tolerance to that CAC from the stars that, yes, we would eat 2,000 milligrams. But it really wasn't 2,000 milligrams anymore for us.

It was more like a thousand. That's still quite a lot, though. Don't minimize that to nothing. That's still quite a lot. It's fucking. But the other thing is you don't really know. It's a mere bag of shells. Because you don't know.

Because, I mean, he's one of the ones that didn't come back when it became legal. So like it said 2000 But maybe it was 1500 Because like these I believe these are 100 million eggs You guys are still acting like that's nothing Because the number's slightly off It's still so far more than any other person

In the world takes Well yeah I'm coming to charms with that Well we'll give this fuck what people take We're working our own fuck That's right You got your own path We walk to the beat of our own drums

So we go deep It took me It took me maybe six months To be able to handle one of these Like I know if I took one of these I'd fuck up on stage Really? Because they're pure THC Oh, yeah.

You take one of these, I am fucking up on stage. You're going to get a bunk from me. But I'm saying if I, okay, but just selfishly, I'm saying if I normally take 20 of a normal one, and you gave me 200, which is 10 times that of the pure stuff, I'm saying, isn't that maybe too much? It is or it is. Let's find out. Let's take another one. Let's take another one.

What the fuck? It's so October manana. Boy, let's take it. Let's do a mystery pill. No, no, no, no. No, no. It's time for the mystery pill. Some people got the cowbell.

I got the altoyed can. You know what I'm saying? There's the mystery. No, I'd rather do the edible. Pills that. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are we doing? The other one hasn't even kicked in yet.

What other one? The little red orange stand. Don't tell them. I forgot about that. But who gives a fun? What are we doing? Are you crazy? Pick the pill.

No way. No way. I'm coasting for a little bit. Pick a pill or an edible. What are we doing here? It's so boxedob. We got to go rough. All right.

What are we doing here? Let's do him another bonket. Let's smoke some weed first, and then we'll get back to pills. All right. We'll do a pill of a bonk here. You've got to wait for that candy to kick him. What candy? Candy, that's not going to kick in.

It's going to kick it. What is it? Speed. I mean, ecstasy. Is it really? Give me another piece. He needs to go home and rub his chest and his dick and whack off on his stomach. Who was the last time you wiped off on your stomach?

Today. And just left it there. Today? Today, we're coming to America. Get into an egg white omelet. shit you know what I'm saying on your stomach science cock suckers you guys want on the stone of podcast you got it you know cock suckers I would never have guessed that's what I want you guys to go off the rails again people are begging me to go what

off the rails to eat a bunch of animals to get leave fucked up so you guys got a couple minutes to decide fucking pill or fucking you know somebody gave me somebody in Maui once got me Maui wow because they listened to our acid podcast from a long time ago go why don't you have a TV in here anymore that's what you need for real answer why did I miss that it's bigger than any of us we watched adventure time after the last one you fucking bolted we watched adventure time I never seen anything so fucking brilliant it was like what well listen to tell that we're going to do on with our venture time it's either pill or edible take your fucking pick who wants the smoke some grief in your

joie if you could have one drug one more time of your life go all out not just like one but like a night of coke or night of mushrooms or night of ath but like one obviously it goes with weed which one would you do if I could still do them the way I used to do them yeah one night with Xanax some weed with abroad and some booze nice what would you do a valium like 30 milligram of Valium and you come one time yeah chicks come easy when they eat Valium or Xanax it's eat they're relaxed I mean, what would you like? I knew a chick that you would have to eat of Xanax to come.

Oh, really? Yes. Anytime I got Xanax, that went to one source to her. But if you have, I'm too old to do cocaine, and I don't want that feeling ever again. Coke sucks. Every once in a while it's around and it's like, fuck, if there's nothing else and everybody's doing it, I guess. Well, like, we were talking about at Burt's the day. I'll tell you what.

What? Coke is tremendous. If you use it, how we discussed it birds. I thought about after we had the discussion my friend that was doing that my friend that was doing that is a multimillionaire he went to Boston college got a tremendous degree

works on Wall Street and this was 93 when he came up to me one night and he's like can you score a Coke for me and I'm like anytime he goes buy me a 30 a gram was 30 back to the 178 street right by the board of authority

he would buy a gram I would give it to him at 9 o'clock at night. We bar bounce. We go to a couple bounces on the Lower West Side by 20th Street, 15th Street down there. He knew a couple places. It's a good fellow's pizza down there. And then at about 11.30, 12 o'clock,

he would go to the bathroom and take two key bumps out of the gram and give me the rest. Wow. And that would take them to 2.2.30. Yeah. And he would go home and never got addicted. never had a problem. I'm jealous of that.

And he would tell, I asked him why you would do that and he would tell me because it lets me drink a little longer. It straightens me up. Yeah. By the time I get home, my dick will get hard. Yeah. You know. Sometimes you're right.

You use it. What do you mean? You use it for like what you got to use it for. Like we went to a UFC in Edinburgh in Scotland. So it starts at like 4 a.m. And it's like, and they all have coke. And it's like, yeah. Otherwise I'm going to be dead asleep.

Sure. Just keep you up for. little while so you did the coke and went to the u.c and watched it no on tv you know and everybody's going crazy because we're all coked up and it's fucking perfect and then you know you get some breakfast and go to sleep yeah it's great we watched diaz and mcgregor two two the hyped up one it was crazy yeah these guys had fucking um fake mcgregor tattoos on sloss and nicote are you you taking your world tour 2020 overseas again? No.

No, next year I will. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, next year I will for sure. I saw you release tour dates. I retwee them today. Oh, thanks. I've only got a few left. I'm doing this show, this fucking Jewish material.

I'm almost done. And did you find a synagogue yet that will take you? Not one of them are going to let me. Not one of them. Not one. Every one of them was like, some of them were just like, no way. Like some of them don't look that good. So it's like, uh-uh.

Other ones of them like, they're like, yeah, sure, we'd love to have that. It's not going to be blue, is it? I'm like, oh, all right, forget it. And then the one that I really wanted to do, they were like, first they were asking me like, no Holocaust jokes, right? I'm like, yeah, for sure. You got it. Like one.

It's fucking shit about Jews. Anyway, every one of them was like, no, we don't want to do this. So I'll do it in some bedroom. They're skinned of the backlash. Backlash. No, because all it takes these days is one or two members of a congregation and be like, well, I don't like this at all. It's the same in any scene.

Any scene, it's not the comedy thing. It's any scene if you have kids in a school, anywhere. There's people who are like, what about don't say this? And it's just like, it's just easier not to deal with those people. So like, as cool as it would be, if you had a progressive rabbi to be like, that would be cool to have in here. I get it. I get this is like reverential, you know? But like all it takes is like two people in here, the congregation would be super angry and it's going to make my life miserable.

Let me ask you this. Have you Googled like abandoned churches? Yeah, there's one, but the fire code is too low. And then, yeah, I could look across the country, but then it's also got to work like acoustically. Some of them are like super echoey, you know? If it's too echoy, then it's like, would you consider an abandoned church?

Nah, I thought about that, but it's like, that's not what I'm talking about, you know? It's not just religious, it's Jewish. What about the parking lot of the temple? Yeah, there's that too, but then I've been not thought about all of them. Then it's like it doesn't look like anything, you know, or like a Jewish recal center. It doesn't look like anything.

May as well to do it at a theater. You know? So we'll see. I'll get it soon. By Boston or New York in the winter. And then, Dunzo. Yeah, I wish you could. I mean, listen.

It is the thing that I applaud you for. You know? Yeah, I mean, that is in the, what's going on. I don't want to shoot a special ever again in the theater or nothing. Right. I think all the theaters have been beat up. I think we've seen every theater. I mean, I understand.

I almost kicked him when he said parking a lot. But then again, not really. Right. Because until they, we got to do something different. No, I think what we've got to do is spruce it up. We know. It's 100% make it great from start to finish. And that's the way you stand out.

Mainstream comic is not going to stand out. It's too, it's what everybody watches, but it's too boring. Nothing, you know, it's like, well, that's way different, you know. So no one really talks about it because everybody sees everything now. What happened in Edinburgh where you see five shows a day or six straight days, you know, you see 30 shows and six days, something like that. Eventually you just get bored. So the things that everybody talks about are the ones that has a big PowerPoint presentation

or a big, you know, plant in the audience or something like that. So that's what everybody talks about. But everybody really likes all the other ones they go see, you know. But it's just not, it doesn't stand out. So a special, I think, for making it stand out, don't just like do something wacky. You gotta do, it's gotta be like the best. It's gotta be like so funny the whole way.

And then people are gonna be like, oh, what? I think Bill Burrs was great. I think Bill Burrs is great. That air back thing. Bill Furr made me laugh. I worked twice. You did you? And I felt bad about what I'm doing.

I'm like, boy, he makes me look at what I'm doing like a fucking sack of shit. I mean, this is brilliant. I mean, he took you in layers. He actually improvised a little bit, which a lot of people don't do, which I actually like on a special. Yeah. If you just, you know, improvise a little bit, go off book a little bit. A little bit.

Show the people you are human. Take a chance. Yeah. Take a chance, you know. Yeah, I think his was the best I've seen. It was great. It was great. Yeah.

Fucking funny. And he really showed who he was, too. Yeah, that's like Albert Hall. Led Zeppelin played that. It was really pretty. I don't normally like looking at the, you know, it was beautiful. The audience, but it was like, damn, the few shots behind it was like, fuck, look at this. It was fucking beautiful.

It was shot beautiful. I think Mike Binder. Binder. A great job. Hey, it is what it is. So now you have to see, are you at that level to shoot at that theater? I say you shoot in kind of the shows you normally do, but a little bit better. But you just did that Chicago Theater or whatever it's called.

Chicago Theater. Chicago Theater. Damn, bro. You know I have that on my wall still, the double poster of us? The three of us? No, me and you, the playing card. Oh, we went to the House of Blues. House of Blue Chicago.

Which one of the headlines? When we were walking out of there, Justin, our agent said, look down the corner. That's where you and already started a couple of years ago. Now you're at the Chicago Theater. It's just tiny little, it's 400 seats together. 400 seats, yeah? Yeah. 400, 600 seats or something.

We did two shows. Well, no, we did the shows in St. Louis. Yeah, St. Louis. That's right. What was that place? I don't know what that played. Then we did Buffalo. The kid booked this in Buffalo.

Years ago, eight years ago. Bright morning, I think, showed up. You know what I saw in St. Louis? It really got me thinking. So I went on. Did 35, whatever it was at my time. Then you went on. And then I was just walking out the back,

just looking at how it looked at, you know, in the room. And so they had a deck outside and you could go and you could see it through this big bay windows like garage door windows, you know, but clear. And they were pumping it out so you could hear it too. And I was just standing behind everybody. I heard these two kids. You started going to some story. There's two kids going to like, I forgot what story it was. It was like the something story.

But I hadn't heard it before. Maybe I had. But they were like, oh, he's doing the this story. And they got all excited about it. And then I was like, oh. So then I was like thinking about you and. and stuff like that about the way Bert talks about the machine and it's like yeah people like want like a hit sometimes you know we had this discussion on Bert's the other day yeah

when poor kid was on Molly and you were fucked up with looking like uh you know you reminded me of fucking Wednesday that crazy guy from Aspen the writer oh and that fucking shot is what's his name shot his ashes out of a cannon hunter S Thompson that's he you look like that day You were laughing, you had a cocktail in your hand, you had no shirt on. But one of the things we were discussing was specials against the storytelling show. For me, I know pound for pound,

nothing helped my career more than no storytelling show. Yeah. I'm telling you this right off the bat because I see when I get off stage and I'm taking pictures, there's always somebody who's got a bit be from me from not saying a story and I'm like for not saying one oh yeah that was six years ago right right right we really wanted you to say that we came here you know for a long time I was telling

you had two gay people come to my show yeah oh yeah I even had lesbian girls come in once with the fucking with the cornrows and they were like the guy that was supposed to be the male the one that was supposed to be the male in their relationship she said we wanted to hear the martin the fag story bro You know, I'm like, oh, my God. You know, they were gay, and they said fag. Nobody said, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, I'm saying. Yeah.

So. I think it also got you when you would do them, there's just a live ones all the time. And you were like, you know, every like four months, you'd do one, five months. You know, every five times we did it. And it was like, can you do a story about this? You're like, yeah, I'll think of something, you know? And you'd always like run to it, you know, really get something good.

And it's so weird when you think of a story, when you want to tell it. Like, I love, this is what I do love about getting on stage. I love getting on stage focusing on a handful of jokes that I think I'm going to say but then somewhere along the line I have an opening and you go into something

and I go into something long I fucking love that yeah I love that like just to and it's what Bill Hicks said where you write to justify what you're telling them you know

I'm writing to them I'm telling you this story yeah to justify I'm about to tell you. So you know, I'm going to shock. This is why I think this way. So sometimes tell them a piece from your life. Like when the senator got accused of choking that girl 32 years ago.

Who? The guy on the Supreme Court, whatever his name is. That's fine. No, Kavanaugh. Kavanaugh. You have to think about that. 32 years ago, when you were a 20-year-old. No, let's just say 20, 21.

You between the ages of 21 and 22. Yeah. 18 and 22, you covered a girl's mouth at a party. Yeah. Did he fuck you? No, he covered your mouth. A guy like me gets really insulted by that. That's just typical bullshit. Why did you raise your hand for?

What is the point of you raising your hand? Did he fuck in the ass? No. Did he pull loose as he can, you know? So what you're telling me is he covered your mouth of the fucking. party and you remember now 32 years later well right now while you're laughing at me 32 years ago I was going to a gay bar to buy quailutes and I'd see two gay guys sticking their fingers up there my bar mitz was 32 years ago yeah so I studied so hard right so when you tell somebody a story that

opened you know I tell a story when I was 12 I had a fucking friend of my mother's who I called it yeah when I went to a house to take a pee And it was during that puberty age when you got a heart on all the time. And when I went to wash my hands, I saw she had a douchebag hanging with the hose. And I remember sniffing the fucking hose and whack him and went off and getting all busy. Any magazine. My mother asking me, no, I didn't even have a magazine. Oh, just pure imagination?

Just from the odor of the douchebag stick. The Willie Wonka jerk off. What she puts in the pussy to get the water in there? Yeah. You never seen your mother's hot water bag? What? Most, you're too young. A water bag.

Every mother in America. had a red hot water bag. You filled it up with hot water. It's supposed to be for your neck. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the red one. The red one, yeah. But if you look at the bottom, there's a hose. Okay.

There's like a little thing that you can have the heart. You would smell that? No, then you have a little four-foot hose. Yeah. And then it would have something that looked like a skinny penis. Yeah. With the end of it, having little holes, so it would sprinkle your pussy. So women would take, like, vinegar and whatever the fuck they would put.

Yeah. And you stick it in your snatch and let the fucking thing drain out. And then it would kill all the germs and everything. But that stick would smell like pussy and vinegar. When I was 12, I didn't know what pussy smelled like. So I would smell the stick and just bang one out. I came out in the bathroom all red and shit. My mother would ask me what's going on with you?

And I would make believe. So are you going to judge me for that? I did it one time. That was my point. You know what I'm saying? Right, right, right. To let you know about Kavanaugh covering somebody's mouth. Yeah.

same dick you know and I told the story about when we lived in Aspen well it was me cana and Jimmy Burke we did everything together and Cato would come over at 8 with the new exotic weed so he would get weed from Humboldt County this one I'm a 19 year old kid this guy was already getting weed sent to him in a box from Humboldt County all different strands every three days he come in with a different strand and sell it to us in fact I would give him money and go if you find anything just get it for me Get it for me. I'm in the market.

And him taking me, him taking me to the Woody Creek Tavern and seeing Hunter S. Thompson. I haven't seen him what? At the bar. Just there? In 83. Yeah, that's what he's called.

Woody Creek Tavern. Oh. So, Kada would take me down there. So it was Halloween night. It was on a Monday night. And I think he was from somewhere in Minneapolis. I think Minnesota was playing. We could even look it up.

Minnesota was playing or something. So we, Aspen has a big Halloween parade. Yeah. And our big plan was me. I'm 19. Kato's 21. And Jimmy's probably 23. And one of us had a plan to dress up like an abortion.

So we all got flannel underwear, long underwear up in the 80s. Remember, it used to go down to your ankles. Then you had the white shirt that was thick. We put that on white. We put like, abortion and we put hangers around our neck what? Yeah, we were going to go to a parade

dressed up as abortion so think about it when you think about Kavanaugh-chalking, but guess what happened? We ate Kualoos. Yeah. We ate Kualoos and we started drinking and we were just getting ready to leave and all of a sudden next thing you know I'm getting woken up

and it's four in the morning like dog we passed out what the fuck? So thank God we never made it to ask me Because somebody would have fucking taken a picture And somebody would have been released Of me with a hanger around my neck Which one was worse? You're just a real.

We're in an abortion on a fucking party You know, we all are allowed to make those mistakes. Dan Bylax-Sales, we had a party once, Halloween party who always have And somebody came in 2001 Halloween 2001 As the World Trade Center mid-attack so this was

55 days later 60 days later no 50 days later and it was him in this big World Trade thing a plane in it and then the nose out with an explosion all coming out it was an

amazing um costume but the timing people were angry like a couple people were very angry yeah It was great. I mean, I'm a comment. It was so great.

Oh, my God. At the same time, how would you feel? Horrible. Your father had died in that. Yeah, sure. Horrible. I think you're going to hit me in the head with a bottle of Heineke.

That's the kind of party it was. Yeah, so for you to wear that, you better be able to back that shit. You better have a strong head in the helmet. You know what I'm saying? Because you're going to get hit somewhere. Like, you have to go to a party where people understand you.

That's a bunch of your friends. You just can't go like a bar. a bar in midtown man there was a comics party that lady was invited randomly yeah i can't even we all loved it you walk into new york yeah on Halloween with that outfit oh yeah that'd be balzy this is this is the puckin i think it is all over best coast yeah i think that i don't know the smart thing would just be to call a cop yeah away for the cop outside i can't get out of here i woke up like this is the shit we trained for to take these fucking morons now what you're you're talking about listen let's take them in the back I'll give you Zich a nickel

let's take the Bronx from killing in front of Yankee Stadium with the fucking outfit on and we'll make a statement that's what they would do in New York in the old days like if that was the 80s and that yeah and you wore that fucking suit yeah you're dead that's by the way that's what those people do online when they get angry at jokes it's the same thing they're like we really hate that we'll do anything to you fuck yeah listen there's some things that we were talking about the same thing Didn't Holtsman make a joke about something in their original room? And ten people walked out.

Yeah, all the time. So he said something really fucked up one time. Gotta walk some people. No, did you see? Have you ever, I saw Stanhope walk in the room once in the most brilliant way. What do you do? He just walked. The room sat 220.

Yeah. He probably walked 30 people. Wow. So saying what? Just horrible stuff? or just like just go all fucking masterfully yeah it was 1997 and people were just not ready for Doug stand oh yeah he came up but way before people were really commenting on shit on the stage his opening joke not his opening joke but one of his bits in the middle with the highlight

of his set was when you're drinking at a bar and somebody comes up to you and wants to buy saw you roses at a bar oh yeah And he'd go, how come nobody ever comes to you with a bucket of cunts? And he would say, a bucket of cunts. And the fucking, you could feel the women's shoulders. If you sat behind a woman, Lee, you'd see a shoulder to go, like, everybody got tensed up. And then he would flow from there about, you know, why would he buy a rose? And he could buy a bucket of cunts.

And then he'd rather take a bucket of cunts home. And you'd see people slam the tabs down. Wow. And as they were walking out, he would attack him. Like, please, don't go nowhere. You haven't even heard me fucking the nun in the ass routine. And they would go, that's it. You're an embarrassment to comedy.

And the other people would be laughing in the audience. That's one type of walking people. I once saw two comics from Seattle, walk a room. Really? Walker Room. Everybody on purpose? I mean, if there was 80 people, 70 got up. Wow. Really walk a room.

Walk a room. Bremiton, Washington is a little island across from Seattle. You have to take a ferry there. Yeah. And it's very, it's very military. That's the deepest point in the United States. So that's where they have all the submarines launch out. A lot of people are.

The plan. It's either Birmingham, Washington or, well, I just say, Wellington. Wellington. Bramerton. Bremington. Somebody please correct me. I listen to this. There was a guy up there that was great.

He had a little bar. He feed you. He was like at the time in Seattle, he was the comedy magic. If you took the ferry over there, he paid for the ferry. Really? He'd give you $10 to take the ferry for your time. I don't know the UCB ever did. Fucking sweetheart of a guy.

He feed you. I don't know how many Wednesdays he put me up, me, Josh Wolf, Fridays. And then one day he called. And he goes, do you want to be a part of this show? What show? This particular show. And it was like a dirty fucking show. Oh.

He wanted like a dirty, real R-rated show. And he said, no. I don't know why I said no. I just didn't want to, I don't know. I just, it just wasn't for me. Yeah. The other two comics weren't for me that were, and they better packed amongst each other to walk the fucking room.

Like, if you don't, I'm going to walk them. Because they were like, fuck these people. And I don't think. Sometimes when you hate the crowd, you're just like. No, no, no, no. It was about that. They had something that happened with a bunch of kids. Oh, the Oklahoma bombing.

Okay. And she finally made a joke about the Oklahoma bombing. About the day, wasn't there a daycare. Yeah. And bro, you've never seen that many people walking. Dude, you got to try it. It's so hard to do it like the day after or two days after, but man, it goes south. Almost every time, but sometimes you hit, and it's so good.

When you can hit a tragedy joke when everyone's still feeling it. It's the best feeling, but it goes south a lot. You have to be, when you have a tragedy, the problem with a tragedy, Jones, you better have a plan B and plan B better be strong. For example, Kevin Neal. Yeah. Kevin Neal and, I mean, about two or three months have to fucking, Bourdain died.

Yeah. He had the most brilliant Bordane joke. I don't remember that. Yeah. He's like, I don't mean suicide. It was not what the joke was, but it was brilliant. Yeah. And when he says it,

but the B to that was so strong that they forgot all about it. They took the ride with him. Yeah, because it was three months later. It doesn't. I wanted the day after. I want it when you're still feeling it. Yeah.

Remember that? You can make a 9-11 joke now. One of the funniest things I have. ever her was Chris McGuire yeah was that some gay him and his girlfriend went some gay riders house the friends of theirs that were gay and they were eating dinner the guys asked Chris McGuire so I guess it was like three or four gay guys in the world at the time at this dinner oh okay dinner the one gay guy asked Chris McGuire so are you still opening for Joe Rogan oh goes yeah from time to time and the other gay guy goes I can't

stand Joe Rogan he said he called Remember he called the queen of a cunt two days after she died? The queen of England? Remember, yeah, when she got hit, run off the car? Oh, oh, Princess Die. Princess Diana. Oh, yeah, gays love Princess Die. He called her a cunt.

All these gay guys was in the audience. There was a gay comic from Boston that was fucking hilarious, and he was a sweetheart of a guy, and that's who they were with. Oh, yeah. He brought his gay friends to watch him. Dude, Brogan went up and called that Princess Diana, a cunt oh they like he like he said that when the guy said cunt the other two gay guys went at the table and i was fucking one of the worst audience members is the too drunk gay young gay

they are so self-absorbed when they get too drunk they'll hear they don't pay attention and they hear one thing they don't like and they go no and they make it all about them because they don't like it not being about them in life and they just fucking try their best and you just demean them just go shut up pussypants we're sorry we're not gonna be mad like you there's no reason you're mad just go upstairs prissy pants sorry they're just angry they just get so mad they're bad uh of the drunks sober they're fucking great and uh one-on-one they're also great the two drunk gay is one of the worst audience members the young Latino too drunk is a problem a lot if you do anything where you show any bravado then they're like they feel like they got to do something like ice house kind of like

you know i'm gonna tell you who taught me to deal with gay people okay i never touched the subject when i was first starting out not until i got to the comedy store and the guy who knows how to work a gay you know who the best gay crowd worker oh who mr Andrew Dice Clay. Really? Mr. Andrew Dice Clay takes it so far, he gets him to laugh at themselves. Yeah. And I've seen him do it. I saw him do that an open mic set on a Sunday night. He just destroyed these gay guys.

They were Asian. Yeah. And he goes, but what do you do for a living? What are you on a restaurant, don't you? You know, like he just was just fucking berating him. And he goes, what happens when I open up a fortune cookie at your restaurant? What is it saying? A chink sucked my dick I mean and they were on board yeah and then one time I saw him destroy a table of gay guys just bad and I was like like I was in shock I thought there was gonna be a stampede and he just kept going and going and riding him and then he closed with the he didn't close the show but he closed the

bit he goes let me tell you some UK folks he goes pretty soon they're gonna build a building A casino just for you faggots. And I forget what he said he was going to be called. But he goes, every 20 minutes, it's going to burst and cum's going to fly out on the top of the building. And all you faggots are going to be on the bottom letting sperm hit you and come going, ah, nah, nah, nah, nah. And right there I go, that's how you deal with gay guys. Go right out of him.

So about two months later, I don't know, Miami. and I think it's like Margaret's show outlining so I was doomed Oh yeah I get out there There's a table out And I just was dying My material was dying because I was tiptoeing Yeah yeah you're going to it

Don't tiptoe around them If there's a table of flamboying gay men in front of you Don't tipto in front of the room Don't let them run the room Yeah And right away I attacked them And I told them you're all faggots Which come in a Volkswagen

All 18 of you're fucking each other up the ass at the same time, and they were on board. Yeah. And all my fears about talking gay stuff went away. You know, it's like when you go up and there's four black people in the audience, guess what? They want you to attack them if they sat in the front fucking wrong.

You go to Idaho, and there's four black dudes in the second row. And you see them, Sue, you see the ones that are like, they want to get attacked. Go for it. They want you to fucking go out. Look at you four black motherfuckers living in this KKK town. You have to address the elephant in the room. There's white people all around four fucking black guys in Omaha, Nebraska.

You have to address that. Yeah. You have to. And so watching Andrew. Yeah, work a room like that. Let me know how to address things. Don't work around it. They're like a dog.

They're like a dog. You got to train it. You got to fucking punch it in the nodes when it's not acting right. You've got to reward them when they're acting well. After I saw that, that's the night I made that lesbian come up to show me a pussy. At the comedy store Oh, yeah. I'll take out my pussy if you take out your dick

And I took out my dick Deal. Deal. And it was a deal breaker. Lesbians like love too. Yeah. I'm not, listen, I don't, I don't, even from my,

when that walking happened. Yeah. When that what? That walking in Seattle happened. It was 1996. I was doing five years. I was a comic for five years. And at the five-year market, I was stupid, I was a loser, I was addicted to Coke, but I knew that walking people.

Oh, walking people, yeah. It wasn't why I got into this business. No, you don't want to try, but sometimes you gotta do it. Take that bung and we talk about it. Okay, so I remember when we went to La Jolla once, me, you and Kelly Kerson. You remember that? Yes. Okay, hold on.

There you go, like a doctor, Kerry. It's tremendous. Um, I went on first. Yeah. And then Kelly Kirsten went. And I guess these people bought tickets for the wrong show. They bought tickets for, yeah, for the main room of the comedy store where it was more clean. Started at a night.

Our show starts at 8 and 10 or 8 in 10.30. Whatever. But they sat through me and they were like, well, this is way too dirty. That's when I was really dirty too. They sat through me and they took it like, all right, maybe it's just the opener. And then Kelly went on and she's fucking filthy. She's a writer now, I think. And she's filthy.

And then these two old people, this couple, they come out. And they're like, listen, this is, what is this? This is not what we signed up for. This is dirty. You said it'd be clean. And they're like, we never said to be clean. Where did you call this? The 9 o'clock show.

It's like, that's L.A. You call the L.A. Comedy Store. No, we didn't. It's like, well, we don't have a 9 o'clock show. And they do it. And it's a clean comedy show. And they kept talking. And we were sitting down by where the end of the bar is with the stained glasses there.

and you just got up and you were headlining but that's when they didn't come for anybody you would just have been there the longest you know and Kelly second longest and I was the newest it was just like they just send you down together so you hadn't been on yet and you get up and you go over you're like get the fuck out of here get the fuck out if you're not going to take it

beat it get the fuck out and you start screaming out of it all the way into the fucking sidewalk yeah you had it up to here you're listening to him listen to him complain complain and then you're like just get the fuck like they're not customers anymore you know you're just complaining on your way out. Fucking beat it.

Oh, it's so great to see. You know, like, I'm so sorry, Mr. Mr. is that comes. How many times I've seen people just get up and walk up? They turn around, wait, just, let me get my tab. That's okay. They walk out. I'm fine with that.

That's cool. It's not for me. I don't like it. Give me a favor. Just leave. I forgot I had to make a phone call. Whatever, it's okay. Don't stop at the desk girl or the desk person

and break their fucking balls. Yeah. You didn't like it. What do you want? You want your $20? 250 back yeah or you stop at the door and yell someone your way out like a fucking coward you can't even see them I mean this is gone I love New York City yeah I love everything about New York City is where I was raised if you watch my walk it's my walk

it's my talk you can tell by the way he when I fucking read that dad had to put up a sign for Lewis CK going to the comedy seller it's not real I nearly it's not real just people think they're supposed to be mad about something it's not none of it's real I came from a society. You don't want you to? Let's go. Yeah. Oh, no.

Let's go. I did actually. Me and my girlfriend, Kate. Let's go. We went to see a comedy show at the Comedy Factory outlet in Baltimore. This guy was like, there was, like, racist in the crowd. They just kept yelling at this black dude, headliner. And he kept, like, dealing with it.

And they just kept like, it was just got awkward. I don't know how much they intended or whatever, but it's like, you know, Baltimore's like on the edge of like redneck and city. And it was just like, it was just like. weird and then she was like let's just go and I was like yeah all right and then we're like hey man it's not you we're gonna get out here this is fucking weird

and he was like yeah he was cool about it the comic but I remember doing that just like yeah we're just gonna leave like it wasn't like a thing you know I can't imagine like this movie is boring I'm gonna go but as soon as like this sucks

you just go just go it's alright you got a bad movie mercy's godfather Yeah. I can name 10 situations because he had the same tolerance I had. Really? The reason why him and I got along

and I were still friends after 40 years is because I don't know how many times we were somewhere six minutes. And we just looked at each other. Dude, me and my girlfriend went to a shitty movie the other day and we both kept looking each other but nobody can make the call to be like, you want to go, right?

Neither one of sure enough to ask. We just kept looking. Just got up and go. And afterwards we were like, I thought I wanted to go. I thought he wanted to go. No. I never understood go.

Look, and today we live in YouTube. It's your time. Today we live with YouTube. Yeah. So it takes you two minutes to look up the comic and say, I don't want to go see him. It's not like the old days. I'll tell you, who used to get a lot of slack.

Who? Mooney? Work it out. No. Who? Our brother, Rogan. Get a lot of flack for what? When he was on news radio,

yeah. People would go see him, and you could ask him tomorrow. Yeah. You're going to be on that tomorrow. You can ask him. I think one. One of every five shows, some fucking body would scream out. What?

No, no, no, no, no. Not even scream out. What? I'm talking. Addicts. He would fucking, somebody would come up to him, and the worst place ever was in Miami. Someone comes home to him. What?

It would be like three white chicks. Oh, the white chicks hate them. Or just a white couple, and they go, excuse me. Can we talk to you for a second? We really weren't. I was right there. I witnessed them saying we're really we're not happy with your performance. We came to see Joe from news radio and we came to hear all this abuse and women and they're all mad.

He would fucking launch that's when he didn't smoke pot. He didn't give a fuck. He didn't have time for him. He was a comedy store guy. He would cross. He would fucking say and I remember this one girl one day said horrible things to him and Joe took it. It was me, Chris McGuire. and Joe. I never forget this.

Yeah. And this bitch just wouldn't stop it, Joe. Like, if I had any time, I'd have read a letter, NBC, this is a force portrayal, and he's like, I'm a fucking fiction, whatever, I'm a character. Yeah. I'm a fake fucking character of a TV show lady. She said

some more shit, damn, and he's like, you know what? Were you a victim of Dodgeball? She just walked out of there. Like, she just ran out of it. That's the third group. Drunk, Whitechurch. Right. They're the worst. They're so bad. That's the third group. You can't even deal with them. They're so fucking annoying. Just go. Right now at this point in your career. Yeah. Are you still having problems at shows where people walk out? I don't think so, but I like to hear about it. I hear about once in a while. It's not a problem and they're never like yelling. He's usually religious people for this hour. It's religious people. When it's just like they came for the Saturday night and it's just too much, you know. Does it bother you if 20 people walked out of your show?

I would find it interesting. But I really think like if you walk the line, you want to walk the line, right? The line is fun. You want to walk the line. That means some people, the line is on a straight line. It's more like waves. So some people have to be over that line. Otherwise you're not at the line yet.

You know, when people walk out, I mean, Eleanor were talking about this. People walked out in Vegas. But you need that. Because if you want everyone else to be like, oh, ho, like one of those laughs, it's only that laugh because you. you know some people are like, no, that's not cool. You know, you need those people walking out to make everyone else really enjoy it because it's like a line walker joke.

Is it one specific joke? No, it's just that type of humor. No, no, I'm saying it when they walk out of your shows. Oh. Is it one? No, I don't think so. I think if it's this year, it's just because it's like too dirty or like they just really don't know what they're getting into.

But right, but they're adults about it mostly. They're just like, oh, it's not for me. About three years ago. It's too much shit on God. They're like, oh, it's not what I signed up. Five years ago, somebody ran out of a show of mine in Lexington, and they were like, fuck you. Fuck you.

Mad, why? That was that time. And then St. Louis had a bunch of people walk out, but because the fucking pipes, every time somebody flushed the toilet and smelled like shit in the club. And I'm seeing these people walk out of my heart's breaking. Yeah.

You know, listen, I'm trying to run a business here. Yeah. I'm not trying to serve shitty hamburgers. I understand that we live in a world where we all can't like van der Leyenolice. Yeah. But in today's world, with everything we have available to us,

I yelled at Lee two years ago for going to see Batsenna. And he goes, when I want to go see it, and I go. What's on at Bat Santa? The movie? Bad Santa, too. I go, you couldn't tell

it was going to be bad just by the trailer. Two is never good. Just the 22 years. There's no two that's ever good. Well, I could tell a movie now from the trailer. Yeah, for sure. You could, and 90% of the stuff dead. And you can't tell from the trailer

if this movie's gonna suck, you know. You can almost trail from the billboard. You can tell from the, where this is good enough. I could tell from a trailer how a trailer is cut. Yeah, about what type of movie it's gonna be. If these are the highlights. Right, right. And I'm gonna tell you what movies start the most.

What? What? This is the honest I am. When I did the movie with De Niro and Stallone. It was the boxing movie? Yeah, the trailer Yeah, the trailer let you know that that was the movie. Me having a scene with him, Kevin Hart arguing with him.

That was the movie. The trailer let you know. This is how honest I am. I'm not trying to light no problem. Dude, how annoying is it when you know, I did it one movie and it was so bad. How annoying is it when you know you just did a bad movie? First off. It's just that you don't know what's going to be a bad movie

to you're shooting it. Right. Until you're there. If the experience is bad, if the energy is bad, that's going to come across on the film. Yeah. I did 20 of those, but I knew what I was getting into, they were 100 all-a-day movies.

Right. You know, those movies that you learn how to acting, they're not going to be in England. You just shoot them to get the $700 for the seven days and all the time and whatever. I'll tell you what. First time I saw a longer shot, I was not very happy.

Really? Not very happy. Because it wasn't that common. comedy comedy he was more like action comedy saw him stick his finger in his mouth and put it in the reps ear I almost cried you're like no I'm not part of that type of humor oh no I almost cry yeah and then you're like what am I gonna do can I do get the hot sweats and they're like oh fuck I gonna stay down oh my god I did analyze that the second one that wasn't good I remember you doing

that that was a big thing for us young comics yeah that was like what because that let's that with that little it's everybody up. Yeah. You know, it was two days with the Nero. It wasn't everything.

Wasn't that the opening? That was the second one. Yeah, the opening. The opening scene. Yeah, the opening scene. Yeah, right out the bat. Boom, there's Joey Diaz. Two fucking years,

all I got was one day, one scene, two lines. One day, one scene, two lines. And then I started booking two days, couple scenes, but you're always in the opening.

I booked three movies where credits ran through me. You know, like it was a fucking nightmare. You got two days, but credits ran through you. Yeah. You're never going to get the result that you want. And then I got the Rodney movie. And that was like 11 days.

Oh, yeah. Harry Basil? One of the worst movies ever put on tape. Like even the tape was rejecting it. The camera kept turning off as they were shooting it. It's so bad. Everybody was in it. Everybody.

Everybody. All-Star cast for the time. Yeah. I mean, the whole top level LA comedy scene. Yeah. Yeah, plus Harlan plus. Right. That's what I mean.

Like the high level guys. The guy from the Cherry Chase movies. The one that escaped into Canada. They were looking for him and shit. That guy. Wendy Quaid. Oh, yeah. The fat chick, the chick from Cheers.

That was the bartender that ate all the cake. Carla? No. She ate all the cakes and shit. Christy. Christy. Christy Allie. Oh, yeah.

Christiology and me had a fucking allergy. Me and her had a great scene where I'm whacking off and she's watching me, I'm watching her, and I got to whack off. I mean, it was a fun movie to shoot, but when I left there, I did not think I was going to win an Oscar for my buddy. You know what I'm saying?

Right, right, right. I've always known, you know. You always have a fucking idea. This is a prima movie? I can't even tell you because I don't know. Really? I don't know. Really?

I don't know. I don't know what do you mean with the days we didn't shoot we weren't allowed to be there you know how many days were you on that thing eight wow how fun was that that's your fucking thing do you know i've been thinking about like this year yeah yeah like the other day i just got paid for something like in january by the way yeah so did he in february on that check i just got the fucking check that's hysterical congratulations you can finally pay your car payment I must have came here one day, hit it, and then a week later

I told my wife, I said I haven't paid them. I don't know what happened for the check. And there it is. She's going to die in the morning. I got about three checks like that. You know how many times my wife will give me a check for the feature act on the road? Really?

I will put it in my wallet. And then get to the airport, go to give it to them, and the check is gone. And then I just found the check. You pay the feature check out of your own check? You don't just have a club or the place to pay them? Sometimes I give them both. Oh, right.

Okay. You know, give them both. Check. Yeah. They're fighting for their fucking lies, whatever they're going to get out. But Venbo, they're going to get 50 fucking dollars. No, I'm saying. I doesn't know what a check.

What's a check? What's Venmo? Venmo is a way you can just do that without writing that. No, no. My wife isn't accounted. Everything gets a big boom. Okay. You know, better than that shit.

There's no Venmo in my fucking house. My wife watches everything like a fucking hook. You know, there's fucking Venmo. I remember one night I went to do a gig. You know me, dog. You know how I am about my money at a comedy show? Yeah. It was one of those Sunday night shows.

I don't know what promoter it was. He just hired me at the store, sent me an email. Then I get down there at the end, the two white kids are like, okay, give us your Venmo address. I go, what are you, my brother? There's no Venmo in the world. All I know is everybody gives you an envelope with yardsticks. You better get it.

And they were like, hold on the way. 10 minutes I had my envelope Because they were like We'll just send it to your Venmo And you're like no That's not gonna work with Joey Diaz No no no They're trying to switch it out at the stand now

To Venmo straight till you get the money in your account You can use it to your credit I don't want it Yeah But sometimes you like the cash in your hand Used to give you $15 a night And then people would rob the box Right

So they stopped they gave you a check Oh they used to give you the money Yeah I like the money in your hand It's so nice And the improv Money in your hand Oh my God when I first moved here, the improv,

we'll put the checks right by the door. So you can walk in and go to the girl, how I'm going to get my checks? And she'd go, go ahead. And you just go through the checks. I can't tell you how many comics checks I stole. How do you steal their checks? Because they're right there.

No, but how do you cash them? Just sign their name and put in your account. Wow. And it was straight into your account? Straight into your account. Like I would sign names that I knew weren't going to ask for them. Right, right, right. Like, I'm not going to steal lease check.

Right. he's eating, do it out of it. He's asking about it. Right, but, you know. Ron White, he's not coming in for his check. There were guys that had stacks of check. You see it. They hadn't collected in a while.

Dude, you know when I was really mad at Bobby Lee? I would go in there. I couldn't steal his checks, but I went in there and I just tore them up, and I threw them away. So he wouldn't get them. How's it different from stealing? Just to punish him. I would go and tear his checks up, hundreds of dollars, and I'd like, he'll never get it. I went down there with my night.

Yeah. Carlos Mn C was at the store. Moorley ripped up his check in his face ripped up commensius check yeah he's like you've been doing my jokes this is my money that's what he said he turned barrio into not he sent hood into bario I do the same joke fucking great I feel so far I feel great you ready for another edible no not yet first of all I got a edible I got a piss I got a piss how do we go piss not go hurry up you do that I'm doing that I'm doing that I'm doing that.

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Ari Shafia, sit down, cucks. Let me have a water, though. Take a water right from that. I don't want you to dehydrate. What do you feel, Lee? You feeling good? Sure. Oh, yeah.

You're ready to hear that? No, thank you. How many points would that put us over there? The acid? Yeah. What you think? What did that too? Somebody gave me a quarter piece of acid.

I meant to bring it in today. Somebody gave me hit acid in Chicago. Really? It was a little fall. And I had two more in an envelope and I knew where the one was, the ones in my bag. But the two I had, one that I gave to Lee. I just found them the other day. And I said, I'll save them for today and then I can't find them.

I know you're a handy man. All right. I think I have a project. for you that you'd like, it's easy, prove your life. It's a drug box. And you just make a regular box, but you put some, like, levels in it. And you write before you put the levels in it, like the separators, you write DMT, you write MDMA, you know, acid, and then when you have the drugs, you just put it right there

in the box, in the little area marked, you know, DMT. And then later, when you're like, where was that? Oh, it's right there. You don't have to know the difference scene. Two of them because it's already in the area. Do you see what I'm saying? You know what? I think it's time to know that.

That's right. Can I get to all you want your drug boxes? Choose your poison. What do you want? No, no. The pills. Let's take the acid. I only have one hits.

You got to chop it up into three. Nah, no, you don't want the acid. What do you want? What do you want? We did it. This is another pill. We did a dintzeno. No, I'm like it.

it up this is a that's a guy gave me the 200 milligrams part of the opiate crisis do you see chapels bill about the opiates the bit about the opiates yeah but who gives the fuck i'm living in here i'm telling you do you want to be part of the opiate crisis and that what do you let's do one more what the fuck it's a it's a how long did that one last how long does which one last here we i'll give you a half of one how is that can i should know that animal you want an edible instead Sure. All right. This is mystery box.

He's going deep. See? You got a closely a different way. Jesus Christ. Do you not do, do you just slow down on the edibles? A little bit. You did? We all slowed down a little bit.

I still take them when I fly. Yeah. I still take them on the road. Their funniest response I ever had with you is you were eating one of the cookies a day, I think an anti-deloris cookie a day. And you're like, yeah, I had to stop. And it was like, why, it was like too much, too much weed. You're like, no.

calories the calories another cookie seven cookies a week i was getting fat yeah no they were killing fucking banana bread that banana bread was you know too it was thick and rich what we doing lee what you press buttons for you're the fucking thing what are you doing lee let's do this lee lee lee i'm gonna do that someone puke you're not gonna puke you're gonna be fun lee lee lee lee lee lee lee lee Lee, Lee, Lee. Bob, there you go. It's all over but the shop. You're still having a good time doing comedy?

Yeah. You still having a good time of living in New York. Yeah, it's also really fucking fun and cool. It is. Oh, do you find cool bars and, like, there's just shit to do. It's great. It's great. You're just out among people.

I don't know, man. Because there's this bar we went to. They play, uh, everyone picks a song. They have a bunch of, like, uh, fucking vine. vinyl albums and then everyone picks a song from their list of vinyl albums they have and then the rate the DJ plays those songs only one after another while you eat this like really great meal is in New York yeah and it's just wonderful and then your song comes on like 20 minutes like I it's the rightos barracuda yeah it's great um yeah there's like it's just so much fun what's

Going on with the storytelling show. We're bringing it back. Who knows? Maybe someday. Be nice, huh? I started to send it out the right way. Store one fucking... Recently?

I had a month. Yeah, I did it one-you-do? Really? Yeah. I'm trying to put this one-man show together, Ari. So I thought I could... I'm like, oh, I can fit it all in one night. Oh, was I in a fucking...

Did I make a mistake? So I'm going to break it up into sections. And do all four sections. Lee taped the first one for me. And I picked out some. some gems and I got rid of some other shit that could, just the same time. Let me tell you something.

I don't see this one-man show being under two hours. You know what I think we should do now for a while. What I want to do is just like, do a bunch of material, have fun. And then like tour again the same places that, you know, a year later, but with like new material, but not like a special, just like new material. Yeah, new material.

And then eventually you get this like a bunch of great material. And then you're like, bum, bum, boom, boom, boom. And then it's like. That's how to do it. rushing hour. Cheselnick has the fucking recipe, three years. Three years. One year in clubs, one year in theater, then you tape the fucking day. You're patient. You know you're going to naturally write. And on top of that, I do 18 months in between the cities to make sure to make sure they come out me to write. Yeah. Chicago theater, dude. Yeah, there's no reason to fucking go.

Do you know, I saw the way ins there? I bet you did. The wayans when you had, because it couldn't get the stadium for both the first night and the second night, so they couldn't do the way-ins at the place they were doing the United Center. So they did the way-ins at the UFC. That was before Joe could play it. We both looked at it, be like, this would be cool one day to do, but he wasn't even like, he did like a couple

1,000 seeders and that was like, that was way bigger. Now that you do it with us a little ass to that time? No, it was Duncan. Yeah, maybe. It was me, you, me, Duncan. And that was the Chicago theater. Yeah, I remember we're like, wow, you did that one at the UFC in.

That's pretty cool. And you did that now by yourself. Yes. What do you want to do? That's pretty cool. What are they doing? That's pretty cool. That was two days ago.

Now we've got to do something else. That's why I don't worry about the fucking whatever when people are like, can you believe this was happening? It's like everything's going better than ever. Listen. Here or there, some people catch a cold real bad. You get like hard walkouts of the whole, like everybody getting mad at you online.

You know what I mean? But it's like, that sucks what you could do. One time my favorite audience member ever is at the comedy store in the main room, where it's like a little more clean than I am or you are, you know? But not because that's what we thought. Yeah. That's what. Really?

As long as you go in there and you're true, they fucking suck it up. Yeah. I used to hate that fucking main room because I always thought I had to play a certain tone to that main room. Ever since I threw that tone out the window, I've become a way better com. Yeah, I would do it once I got to, like, I'll do this like the OR actually, where I'm going to do some crowd work a little bit first and then get into it, you know? Instead of this presentation or whatever, what? The scary thing is that you, as a young comic when you got into the store,

you looked at the main room as this distant thing. Like you couldn't, like, what? Like you'd look at it. There's all the heavy hitters were there. So it's like, I guess I got to put on a show. And she'd always make you fucking follow somebody who was going to torture you. Heath He's Heish. Oh, the hell you had to follow.

No. But no, but I can imagine following that. He thinks it was before I got in there. Oh, my God. Tell me about Heath Hyshe. Heath Hys had characters. He had cutouts. It was the biggest fucking show.

And he crushed. Oh, my God. He had a fucking gospel band behind him. He would just go, come out, come back. That fucking Japanese, American fight in the planes. He would crush so hard. Turn around, come back with some. fucking massive. It was like half

carrot top, half like fucking Iron Maiden, the level of fucking runaround he had. You know, I believe when he was close, with the tabernacle choir. Yeah, the tabernacle choir. We were moving on. They were all like fucking

statues. Okay, so he didn't travel with the choir. No. He strapped them on his back. Oh, you couldn't help it, man. He killed you. He doubled you over. And it'd be like fucking people clapping behind them and shit. You have no idea it's a Vegas show yeah that would work in LA yes that's how good it was it was in the main room in the main room he couldn't really have the room in the

original room I saw him try a couple times and he killed in there too but no it's easier for the main because he had the space behind the stage but a Vegas style act shouldn't work in LA and it was so fucking strong that it was like no people there were like this is fucking great but it's a Vegas style comedy act that worked in this fucking city of like he always went up early so thank god i never had to follow that motherfucker he always went up at like 945 i was really i was gonna say they closed with him no at two in the morning why would you close with him lee he's fucking does this big magical clean spot not closed but who could i mean you're saying it was hard to follow you're not gonna

close him he wasn't that the late part of the half was for the invix yeah company store yeah he was up at 945 yeah you didn't really have it wasn't your choice it was It was fucking Mitsy Shaw. You didn't have a choice. It was Mitchie Shore. Mitchie Shore put him on because he was such a big act. He was going on the road then. I remember his main room was Alabama, the Birmingham,

and that was the biggest room in the country at the time. At the time, in the late 90s, that seat like 430, I don't know if you've ever been there, that's a big fucking room. So that was one of his big day. Sweetheart of a guy, Heath Heights. Yeah. Sweetheart of a guy.

Yeah. Just basketball. I think he's a lot of him. ships now will he disappeared from the store where did he go what happened to him he maybe moved maybe he got married he went to a Pasadena once but yeah I always assumed he was like doing massive theaters I don't know is he not he should have you know I don't know what happened to him he killed there was some oh my God it was like a him and Sanchez him Sanchez there was

Three or four, but you know who else used to kill? Who? Luke Torres. Luke Torres would kill in the middle area. Luke Torres got a standing ovation one night, the original. I'll tell you, who else used to kill in the original room in those days? Pierre. Black Pierre?

Black Pierre. Yeah. There was a lot of guys at the store in those days, too. It just wasn't the place to be. Right. No. We weren't getting Sarasone. Louis C.K. wouldn't go in there.

No. You know, Bill Burr was in New York. by that time. Nobody was really going there. Rogan occasionally. Rogan was going in there, but Cia was going in there during the weekend bumping.

Martin Lawrence was gone. Dice and Griffin were coming in. Andrew and Griffin. Those are our big fucking torture chambers. And you'd have to sit there all night and wait for Eddie Griffin to come home. You know, wait in line, wait and line. And then Eddie Griffin shows up.

It's like, well, let's go between one and six hours. Once Eddie Griffith showed up, for a guy like me, it was Militon, bitch. Give me the money. I'm out. No, there was no money. for fuck of who's gonna give you money there's no money you got $15 yeah if you didn't go up Mitsy didn't give you the 15 that's bullshit workers rights that's bullshit at the comedy

sell they'll give you money do you know if Chappelle goes on and goes and does a fucking whatever they'll be like you can get paid which they should have to do the time's filled anyway the time that you would have done is filled so give me that money no it's already we don't like it we don't get to go up give me the money at least remember that Tuesday nights because of the guy Torrey show it was so intimidating that nobody white

will go there on Tuesday in the whole building yeah the word got out that listen you're overpowered in there that's when the manager got held a gunpoint and who Eddie Griffin had to talk him down yeah no it was a scary point there but Tuesday nights guys like me

I need that $15 yeah that was $30 out of my pocket every two weeks that was that's a That's a big amount of dollars. That's $30. I got to get it. And you would stay by the union,

and you would do Felipe's room. But all night, you had to keep calling the comedy store on Tuesdays. And they go, we have four people. Come on down. And you'd pray that two more people walked in. You know how many times I pulled in? They'd have to move 20. Come on here, guys.

No, you had to fucking go into the original room, pull out of the parking lot. There'd be black people everywhere. It was Guy Tories night. And then you had to walk in. Hey, the show just got canceled. Oh. They can never call you, by the way.

The show's canceled. People are still on the lineup an hour from that. I'm like, you can at least call them. They haven't left yet. They would call you. They would never call. 30 minutes after one. But at those times, listen, if you have a spot.

Nobody cared. They never called you. If you got a spot at 1 o'clock, you're there at 11.30. Right. Well, what else are you going to do? What are you going to do to call to 1? That's true. Unless you got a spot somewhere else.

That's true. If you got a spot at a spot, you already did a spot. And you're at the store at 11.30 going to hang out with your friends. You're going to go see, get a joint, fucking have a drink with this guy. Ari's in town. So you knew already. You knew. Yeah.

You know. Damn, it's a different place now. It's a different fucking place. You miss it when you go to New York? I miss the idea of it, though. I mean, it's a little different now. I still like it, though. Are you there tomorrow night?

Yeah, I'll be there tomorrow night. I like hanging out there. It's just like it's a little too popular. So it's lost some of that vibe of like just hang out and chill out. You try to have a talk with somebody. You get interrupted 25 times. You get to listen, you get interrupted down there whether it's crazy or not. Whether you want to or not.

Every time you start a conversation, get ready to get interrupted by somebody with a fucking question. And it's not even the people who come to the show. Them I can't. It's comics a lot. I was trying to talk to Rogan. one day about something. We just got to have a fucking female comic. Can I just tell you how I feel about you? Why would

you do that? I don't know you. Why would you tell me that? I didn't be out of a conversation. Didn't even excuse us out. All she wanted to do is to see if you could get on the podcast and he immediately fucking turned his head and we walked away and she just ruined this conversation.

We're talking about comedy or something. It was getting good too. We're talking about specials and some shit. You can't have a fucking conversation now there. unless you and even in the back if you go back there I'm one of the big popular shows there's 80 people back there

it's across the globe nobody knows how to fucking act in the world I don't know nobody knows how to act there's a fucking universal room if you're not going on stage get the fuck out of the green room oh yeah oh that's my haven't so what do I got to do when I do the main room

somebody should go in there and punish them no you're not in this place you're not a regular bam bam bam you can't you know be the judge or whatever if you don't like it or not?

You know what I'd pay regular or not? You know what I do? I get a chair and I sit by the piano. Yeah. And I sit down, listen to the ghost. Yeah. That's nice. I listen to the Comic on stage and I go, fuck it.

Who's better than me? I'm at the comments. Yeah. What do you got this weekend? Texas. Where? San Antonio. Where are you playing in San Antonio?

L-O-L. L-O-L. Yeah. One night. One night. And then you go to where? Addison one night. Oh, shit.

Day. All right. Yeah. I like doing this juition in cowboy towns. Okay. And then Houston

for two nights. Friday and Saturday. Friday. Then me and Reggie Conquest is the guy who's opening for me there. Both cowboy fans, both driving back

from Houston to Dallas for our very first Dallas Cowboy game at Texas Stadium. You never been there before? I've never been there. I've never even checked the tour wanted to all this time.

Couldn't afford to an extra day for a while and then like you know boom so we're doing it it lined up with what I was doing you got a nice ticket no I didn't have a ticket yet I still got a good so you're gonna fucking they're expensive as fuck yeah they don't fuck around damn welcome for that fucking when they have a hundred ninety eight thousand seats you know you'd have a couple twenty dollar ones oh no oh it's gonna be a break even week for me yeah yeah oh I can't wait to go to these yankee games you know it's the Yankees year this year. Who do you claim baseball?

Who do you claim baseball? I don't claim nobody. I got no fucking time to play games. Oh, is your joke? I wear a hat. It says minus seven. Yeah, minus seven. That's it.

I'm taking the seven. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I know the Yankees are playing Friday. The series starts in New York. Fucking, I do not want to be in New York doing comedy. It's going to be crazy Friday night. Friday night. Sadly, I can't wait.

Those Yankee games are so fucking fun of the playoffs. Do you go? Oh, I go every time I can. Every time I'm in town. They're whatever they are. They're whatever they got to be. Yeah, I got to go. Sometimes 75, sometimes like 350.

You got to do it. Whatever. They're in the playoffs. And that's your team. And you're at home and you have enough money to spend on the tickets for the first time in your life. What do you take? You take the girl? Whoever.

No, I was going to. She's an A's fan. I was going to take her one last year. but they were screaming at anybody with green. I'm glad I did not. Speaking of green, who's ready for an edible? What are he doing? I know, Ari, what are he doing?

You're going to stay at that museum and stuff. I feel like I'm in a great place right now. You got the fucking, you got to, you got an hour. What time is it? What time is it? Show me the real time. You got a 1028. You got an hour and a half to you're pumped and breaks. There you go.

Eat that fucking thing. Don't worry about none. We'll give you something to calm you're down to. I got something for you to go. you'll fall asleep in the Uber Nobody will bother In the Uber Fuck yeah

You fall asleep on a lift You wake up with a dick up your ass And you can't press charges Because you turn the camera off He's got a fucking tolerance He looks like a fucking nothing He looks like a fucking Japanese Rendition of a thing

Don't worry about it Leave your little pill there It's Tuesday night It's Monday night Either you want to You know If that bitch can't swim She's bound to Drizam

You want to really make it happen Take a needle pop and drink the juice That's what I did at the airport. Really? I ate two of them. Why? That's a great question. I'm not going to believe this.

One of them fell out on my pocket. So I put it, I have earphones. Yeah. And I have an earphone case. So I put the caps on the earphone case. And as I got on the plane from Chicago on Saturday, I opened up to take the earphones. And the thing was starting to leak.

The earphones pierced it. So I wanted to want it to leak all over the bag. I took the pill. I squeezed the headphones. under my tongue and I ate the pill and I took my finger and wiped the AC juice rubbing under my tongue.

I was asleep. I woke up to eat the oil. Justin was behind me snoring up a storm. Are you junkie? That motherfucker got to sleep at me like a motherfucker. He was behind me snoring up a storm just with the pillow. You guys fly back together? Yeah. That's nice. Me, Justin

Kay Quigley. That's nice. And Ardene. But Justin was in Road 2. I was going to switch with him You don't want to sit next to your friends out of a plane. That night, you won't shut the fuck up. He wanted her. I know he wants to sleep. So I woke up, bro.

I woke up when the lady was asking, what do you want for breakfast? I said, what do you got? She said, some cheddar cheese on. Forget it. Give me the oatmeal. When you take the oatmeal on American Airlines, you take your life into your own. Really?

You think you're like the Chinese going to end up Bruce Lee? That's America went downhill. It wasn't bad. They give you a little cup of fruit. I don't touch the Greek yoga. I don't like Greek yogurt. I like the regular Malukia yogurt, the vanilla. They don't give you that.

I didn't touch the bun. Bro, I was so high, I thought that edible. But I woke up on the iPod and played through. What do you mean? Like, I fell asleep with my iPod on, and it had played every. Until every song was gone. Yeah, the Beatles. I ran it in the one-y-quitty, when you just run that one system, it's called, like, random?

Shuffle, yeah. Shuffle, yeah. Oh, my God. All the way through it. I woke up on that what was going on. You have no idea. I'm like, I sat down. And I remember sitting down and putting my glasses on, eating that edible.

Yeah. And I don't, because even the plane high is the best high. And you wake up and you're there. And then it's just like, you're like, what? Wait, where am I? What's happening? I was fucked up. Yeah, they're all in the aisle and you're like, wait.

And I'm thinking should I get up to go to the bathroom? You're fucked up to get up. I'm going to sit right here. So I just do my legs like this. I do my lap. Calfreides. because the calf muscle is the heart of the leg. You want to keep your blood going.

So I'll just sit there and the calf raises in my chair. I was fucked up. I was past. She said that we were delayed because she said, she didn't know that, Joey. I go, know what? She goes, we sat the thing for 45 minutes. That's right.

You have no clue. It's the best. I just remember waking up, the lady fucking asking me what I want for breakfast. passing out again her tapping me on the thing me waking up giving me breakfast being hired and fucked yeah I don't know what was playing I think it was down in the hole was playing I woke up I inhaled half the old meal I fucking ate the fruit yeah I like looking out the window right then and just no I said I take the I'll see oh you do yeah I don't see it's like I guess it gives me too dude I do like an adult now I fucking

snack up before I get multiple different nuts multiple sweets, maybe in an orange if I feel like eating some healthy and then fucking straight candy. I'm ready. Anytime I wake up, I got snack food ready to go. Ready to fucking crush. I just bring a protein bar. A protein bar. That's so I bring Zanics. I don't have to bring the service cat.

What's a service cat? I got a service cat. No, you do not. Yes, I do. You bring super bad on the road with you so you can get the better seeds? I've had it, yes. I bring super bad on the road with me. I'm like Ja-Jacques Gabor in 74.

Shown up with a cat dog. That's hysterical. Yeah, I said, I got sick and tired. These people showing up with ugly dogs. If you could travel with your ugly dog, I'm bringing a service cat. So I either bring a Xanax or the cat. What do you want me to do? Oh, I'd be so mad.

I'd be so mad. I'd be like, no, come on. I'm allergic to these motherfuckers. I got half the plane. Oh, my God. I got to tell you this. We'll wrap it up. What?

You know, I'm getting a dog. A friend of mine called me. as far as I can call the out the whole thing and he goes, I'm missing in these pills they help clean out the plaque around your heart

start eating and when he sent them it's just high-powered garlic yeah and three or four hours after you eat these things your asshole does not fart

it has explosions explosions that you actually go off the chair a little bit like an inch or two like that louder than your thing so I ate about four of my gun this plane and I sat next. She took the inside window. I love everybody, but this bitch was the most

annoying lesbian ever. She's one of those white chicks that would complain on the comedy show. Yeah. She had all her talking loud and it all was on FaceTime. You know, she was just annoying. Yeah. And then to make things worse, she took out like a paper and started reading the fucking paper. It's just like plenty of people don't like me. You're the only one making a problem. She took her shoes off. I didn't smell her feet. I didn't smell the feet. Garbage people. But by the looks on her,

I could tell you what a pussy smelled like. It smelled like Newark. And I said, fuck this. I'm putting this bitch in a different orbit. I started farting. And I could see her after the third fart. She would wave the newspaper,

like to get air inside between. I was farting. And I was farted with this one leg up. So it was ricocheting off the back of my cab. Yeah And then we'd go straight in our direction. Yeah. After the third or fourth one, bro,

she fell asleep with the newspaper. On the face. Diaz just take his fucking, he'd take a bag of weed and put it in his crotch. And then we were on the airline. Like when we were in the air, we take it out when you're sleeping and put the whole fucking, like a baggie that big,

of illegal weed and put it under your nose. And you're like, what the fuck are you doing? It's so fragrant. And that was something. Ha ha ha ha. And then he put it back in. Sometimes I would take the bag and spin it around the air. Oh my God.

It was crazy. Yeah. Just to entice people. Everybody going, ah, what? You know where he's coming from. You have no fucking idea. There's a secret on the subway where you get a bunch of weed. You've got to take it back and you reek of weed.

You go stand by a black dude. And that everyone just assumed it's the black dude who's got the weed. I don't know what you think all this shit up yourself. You're a regular fucking Reef Einstein on the New Year. You know what? You figure it out. Necessities of Motherhood of Adventure. All right.

So Thursday night, where are you? San Antonio. Okay. Dallas. Houston. From Chicago, Canada, San Jose. Yeah.

Two shows, four shows. You're doing six shows all together. Yeah. You're fucking beautiful, baby. You're back out there. Yeah. Fuck these bitches. Yeah.

My last... And tonight's your last hurrah. We did 300 milligrams of AFX fucking minerals. We did two two Tuts roots. And then another. We did a couple bong hits. Yeah. And now we'll take a little z-z-z-z-z-to-go.

What to go? Where are we going? I don't understand. We just took a hell of drugs. Where are we going? Listen, this is a light night for me, guys. I want to tell you. If it was up to me, we'd still eat two edibles a piece.

We'd be running at 500 milligrams. You wake up tomorrow. You wake up tomorrow and you look out the window, and there ain't nothing to do tomorrow. You go right back to sleep. Because if you get up on this T-H-C, juicing, You smoke at 11, you're going to sleep anyway. Oh, fuck. Lee, I won't see him tomorrow to fucking, he'll be, he's an anti-son anyway.

So he's like a Jewish vampire. You don't see him on the son at all. So he's going nowhere. So Thursday, L.O.L. Friday, Addison. No, Thursday, L.O.L. Friday, Addison. Wednesday, L.O. Friday, Addison. No, Wednesday, Thursday, Addison. Friday, Saturday, Houston.

Houston Improv. But if you're not there, I got a special. on Netflix called Double Negative and watch that and then you know this is the next thing I'm doing so what's your plan for you know what give me your prediction for Sob October okay who's gonna win I'm gonna win because I am the only one who has a real life and who's not getting serious trouble with their wife so what do you mean how you're gonna get in trouble with you by getting healthy and stop doing drugs It's very annoying.

Whatever you have to do, it's just very annoying. Yeah, it's no fun. It's no fun. You want to have a glass of wine with dinner. Do you have to work out also? There's some lessons we're doing. What kind of lessons? All sorts of lessons.

Like what? Plan is, whatever fucking lessons you've got to do, Jiu-Jitsu or fucking Taibo or anything. You got to do 10 of them. I hate that shit so much. For the whole month. For the whole month. Yeah.

That's a piece of cape. Yeah, it's just annoying to have to learn. So what are you choosing? I'll probably do a jitzy class. I'll probably do a couple like spin classes or something. Maybe a, maybe like a language class. Maybe a couple of Spanish classes. That counts.

That counts for exercise. Yeah, class. I don't know. Fucking class. No, no, no. It's got to be exercise. Why? Why does it have to be exercise?

I don't know. You know fucking. Why can't you work on yourself as a human being? You know Joe. Why do they reveal? the fucking body when it's the mind that we all know we should revere because joe muscles wants it to be a muscles he understands you know you got to pay into this is he gonna read your your fucking mental health is rogan gonna he should everybody should what about what would it

birthright the only thing burke ryan should fucking reads is recipes i know if it's longer the word longer than ragu i'm not interested a fucking ice cube two mint leaves that's it and sagura what the fuck does he read i don't know okay then so what What are you talking about? What is the athletic challenge this year? Do you have to wear bracelets? Yeah. What braces is?

Back to the bracelets. Yeah, there's some bracelets. Okay. I got to see exactly what they do tomorrow. So you put them on tomorrow? Yeah. It's official in the first. Yeah, they measure everything.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Are they drawing blood? Because if it's up to jump. Once a mic. Oh, please. That motherfucker is put it back in. He was telling me once already. He was going to do the show with you.

We draw your blood. To show that you're clean? Yeah. But can you be like, I'm not going to be? No, I'm not giving anybody blood. I don't care what you fucking pay me. You know how long it takes me to? Every time I got to even think about giving blood,

I got a fucking dry body away. Oh, yeah, my God, fuck that. Listen, I'm happy you came on. I'm happy I got to see it. It's been a long time since you've been on the church. I think the last good one was the acid church, but this was quite as enjoyable. I could see your face and your eyeballs changing

as we speak. You know what I'm saying? Don't forget me, you bad motherfuckers. Next week, Friday night, the Uptown Theater in Kansas City, followed by the next night at the Paramount Theater. First show sold out.

We added the second show. Do what you need to do, Denver. Come out and support. I did time in your fucking state. I don't care if you got to drive from Gunnison. I'm going to be in Denver talking about your beautiful state. I started there.

I can't wait to go home. I'm going to fucking get off the plane. Ever? Big bowl of green chili. Oh, that's good. Go back and take a nap. The first show's at 7. Second shows at 9.30.

Which one? Where is it up? The Paramount Dita. I got a fucking, I got a fucking 8, 9.30 flight out of Colorado that gets me in like a 10-something. Burbank. Are you fucking kidding me or what? That means I get up in the morning. I go for a bowl of green chili before the airport.

I'll be up early anyway. In Kansas City, I can't wait. I'm going to get that. before. I want to go to that kickbox in school. Yeah. That way I went last time. My boy takes me for some fucking barbecue. I go to you know, I'm just worried

about next week. I'm not even going nowhere this weekend. This weekend I'm at the store. But next week and Friday night, the 11th, I'm in Kansas City and the 12th. I'm at the Paramount Theater. Real quick. Listen, we're a couple weeks into football season and there's no better time

to place a bet. You like winning money, correct? Who does it? I'll tell you where to put your money down at. You ready? Mybooky.ag. If you're trying to bet on the NFL, baseball, UFC this weekend, whatever, my bookie's got it.

Not to mention the NHL and NBA seasons are right around the corner. And unless you're a fucking moron, the first month the lines are soft. So it's fucking big money for all you motherfuckers and it starts around the Halloween. My bookie has the faster payouts

and more lines than any other sports book period. They got parlays, they got teaser bets and if you're looking a little bit, you're looking to bet a little and win a lot my bookies got your back. They just revamped their site and it's looking fucking tremendous. So I'm

telling you right now to go there and take a look if you haven't already. We're going to start with this. They're going to double your first deposit right now. Today use promo code church CHURCH to get 100% bonus on your initial deposit up to

$1,000. That's how we're starting this fucking weekend. Go to my bookie right now online today. That's my bookie. M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E. And don't forget to use promo code church when creating your account. Listen, mybooky.orgie.org. You bet you win, you get paid.

The church is also brought to you by Alpha Brain. On it. That's how we're fucking doing it. Listen, they're doing a fucking contest. Any 30-count or 90-count bottle Alpha Brain that you fucking buy, you got a raffle ticket. You got a little coupon,

some fucking jerky, but they're going to re-enter it into the grand prize, which is called the Honored Experience. You get to go down there for four days, you get two one-on-one privates. They give you kettlebells. They give you a year supply of total.

I mean, listen, Honour is doing the whole thing. If I was you, I'd get into this contest. Go to honor.com right now. Press in. Church. Bam! and get 10% taken off and delivered right to your house. Listen, I want to thank my bookie. I want to thank Honored.

I want to thank CBD Lion, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for always having my back and for supporting Ari and Bray and myself, Lee Syatt in the next couple of years. You guys are fucking troopers. I want to thank Bob Lillengis and Brian Morton from Zanis who came out to the show and said hello.

You know, I love you guys with all my heart. Have a good fucking day. It's so Brock Toll. I don't know nothing about that shit. Me, I'm gonna keep smoking Riefer for they put me in the fucking casket. All right. Stay black.

See you in Kansas City. Lee, take this fucking mule.