The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #724 - Crystal Powell

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

Crystal Powell, a stand up comedian seen on "Kevin Hart's: Hart in the City" and performed LIVE at Super Bowl LI, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:    Kettle Bell Kitchen - Go to kettlebellkitchen.com and use code church to get $25 off each of your first two orders. MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get your complete hair kit for just $5 while supplies last.   

Thank God, I came down from that fucking battery asses that we're doing Monday night. Greetings from Podcastville. It's Thursday, the 3rd of October, motherfuckers. Get up, wash that pussy, and thank God he gave you another day to fucking let the flies out of the cave. Listen, the church of what's happened now is brought to you by Kettlebell Kitchen. Listen, kettlebell kitchen was started by two army vets who were also brothers. Their mission was to change people.

lives through making healthy foods more accessible. Eating healthy today is on everybody's mind right now. What when and how much you eat it's hard to know where to start. Plus meal planning and prep time is consuming so you don't want to spend your entire Sunday chopping carrots and roasting chickens, right? This is where kettlebell kitchen comes in. Whether you're a vegetarian, keto, hold 30 or paleo, they got it. They sent me a little grassy fed steak and some bison beef sliders tremendous it was delicious so what the hell are you waiting for feed the champion inside of you with kettlebell kitchen go to the kettlebell kitchen.com

and enter code church and get $25 each off your first two orders for new customers that's $25 off your first two orders at kettlebell kitchen.com pressing code church the church is also brought to you by 4hims.com. Listen, 66% of men start to lose their hand by 35. And once you notice in thinning spots, it could be too late. Number two, you know what? As you get older, that little hammer between your legs, it don't work that much. Or maybe it taps out from time to time.

Those days are over. Because 4hams.com is a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. No snake or pills. No gas station counter supplements. No more awkward person, doctor visits. Listen, today, the church family can get started with Hymns complete hair kit for just five hours. You're like, Joey. What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about five hours right now while supplies last. See website for full details and safety information. Go to 4Hems.com slash Joey. The church is also brought to you by tonight. You got football, my bookie.ag. And Saturday, you got UFC, my bookie. Not to mention the NHL and NBA seasons are around the corner. My bookie has faster payouts and more lines than any sports book, period.

So today, right now, let's get this party started. Double your first deposit right now today by using promo code church, CHURCH to get 100% bonus on your initial deposit up to $1,000. Visit mybooky.orgie.org online today. Bet win get paid. Kick this motherfucker, me, O'Lean. What's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. One of my favorites, Crystal Powell.

It's Rosh Hashanah. The Christ Killers got his shirt. And your Uncle Joe, he's ready to rock this motherfucker on a Thursday Coming down from that battery ass is from Monday night Because you're right for your hell I can't real fit dropping bombs on your mom The fuck call on. What?

Oh shit. It's like a jungle. It makes me wonder how I keep from going under this motherfucker. You understand me? It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep from going on. That's my question. It's like a jungle sometimes.

It makes me wonder how I keep from going under. Oh shit. Move those hips, motherfuckers. It's Thursday. Maybe if you're lucky, you get a little sucky-sucky. Kick it leak. Broken glass everywhere. People pissing on the stairs.

You know they just don't care. I can't take the smell. Can't take the noise. Got no money to move out. I guess I got no choice. Rats in the front room, rogers in the back. Junkies in the alley with a baseball bat. Fucking 40 years out of this time.

Crystal Powell's in the house today. Hey. Comedian. Fucking tremendous all-around young woman. Thank you. Hails out of the great state of Texas, the one that God created personally. He created Texas personally.

Had to. What's going on, Crystal Powell? Not much. Happy to be here. Thank you for having me. You look beautiful as usual. Thank you. You're missing a beat.

Bringing that sisterhood into the motherfucking church because we need people calling this motherfucker time to time. Yeah. The spirits start complaining. You know what I'm saying? We want some black people and Chinese. This month, our spirit came to me, and they're like, we need a black dude

on a Chinese chick or something. Let my people go. But it's good to have you. It's good to see you here. We met through Keita over at Bullie Busters. And it was really funny. I live in a weird world right now. I live in a world that people think I could fucking heal

all their problems and I can't. Yeah. And you know what, man? I'm not looking to do your podcast. I'm not looking to be on your show. I'm not looking to do your show. Right now I'm just looking for friends. Yeah.

And it's so weird how when people approach you, it's always something. And by the way, and it gets old. I can only imagine. You don't say nothing. A couple weeks ago, Sam Tripley asked me, do you get perturbed?

When people Bali, it asks you to do rooms and stuff like that, I go, no, you have to get perturbed when they stop calling you. That's when you get mad. Right now, I love what's going on. It's the people. think they're pulling the wool over your eyes.

That kills me. You know, last week, you and I had a conversation that my wife and I talked about for two days. It disturbed us so much. Really? And it had nothing to do with us, but it's my biggest fucking pet peeve. Fucking with comics.

Yeah. I don't like it. I don't like it. And you know what? 20 years ago, I was the type of dude. I'd want to burn his house. I hit him with a pipe. Now, because of whatever,

you could blast them on Facebook. The situation was you went to do a show and he used to not to put it on blast and let's talk about it. Yeah, let's talk about it. We've got to educate comics here and what happens. How long have you been doing comedy for now? I've been doing comedy nine years now.

Where'd you start? I started actually right here in Los Angeles. Did you? Yeah, ha-ha, because I've always lived in the valley. So ha-ha was, and this was the original one, not the new one that we have now. And so that was kind of like my home club. So I would just go around there doing open mics

and just kept on staying in the valley. And then I moved away, moved back to Houston because I got married. I failed for the dick. So I moved away. It went back to Houston. But it was actually better for me because I was like a big fish and a little pine because I was coming from L.A. So that's when I actually started getting to the Houston Improv. And then that's when I did Comedy Central with Kevin.

And when I came back, I was stronger. But what happened in Houston, it was just, it was unfortunate. And you know, my personality, non-confrontational, I don't like to argue. I don't want no beef. But I do feel like if we, it hadn't have been a full cast of women, it was my birthday show. So it was only females on the show. And they duped us at the end. And I don't.

Well, hold on. Back to Houston. How long were you married for? I was married for five years. I'm actually separated now as we're still not divorced, but I was married for five years. So it's a blessing for me because, you know, people don't leave. If we want to take out of you, you're not going out until you get separated. Yeah, I'm going to try to wait.

I'm going to wait. I'm going to, you know, I got some shit in me, but I'm going to wait until I'm at least fully divorced. Lisa, don't put that on him. I don't want them problems. No, I was going to say, at least he saved me from some embarrassment. Yeah. Oh, bless you.

So those five years you went back to Houston. Yeah. It was like you were running amok because you had seen what the major leagues look like. Exactly. And now you're in the minor leagues and you appreciate it a lot more. It's a fucking, you know. Cakewalk.

I went back to New York in 93 and did nine months on the, New York circuit. And it fucking happened me right back into reality. You know, in Colorado, I was getting calls from friends. They had bar shows. In New York, everything was a bringer show. So I had to sell drugs just to get my friends to come to the fucking shows. You know, I'll get the Coke for you.

Where are you going to meet me? Oh, I'm stuck in New York. You get to come to the New York Comedy Club. Just pay the $10. I'll take care you. I ain't taking care you. Just pay the $10. You're one of my bringers.

Yeah. And then I said, fuck this. I went to Colorado and like it it focused everything in. It was like I was doing comedy for two years on balance. I'm going to New York and seeing the struggle put me into perspective and I went back to Colorado like a fucking, you know, like a flame out of hell, like one of Dunkin's fucking missiles out of Korea. I went back and I didn't look back because I knew how the struggle was. So you were back there for five years. You got to the You did all those Cody, one of those fucking rooms, Taksadena, all of that.

Conroe. Colleen. All of that whole. You know, we even get close to, you know, Oklahoma, Dallas, that whole southern, southern route. But you're exactly right. It made me appreciate, especially now being back in L.A., like, this is the big leagues. Like, you can call, you know, in the south, in Texas. And even, like, comparing New York to Denver, like, it makes you appreciate the struggle when you get back to the bigger cities like,

Los Angeles. I try to have pity parties, you know, every now and then be like, ah, but then I'll be like, bitch, you're in the major leagues. Like, this is, this is the mecca. So you're not in Tallahassee, Florida, talk about, man, I can't get up. You're in Los Angeles, California at the comedy store. You know, you're at these monumental places. So I just have to put all my big girl panties and keep it pushing. You know, I got to come with the conclusion. I'm getting older. No, you get me. I'm getting older, you know, and I can't lie to you. I feel it from time to time. You know, I fake the funk. Oh yeah You see me out You know And it's really weird When people like Hey Uncle Joey And I'm like

I really want to But I'm gonna point in my life Where you have to conserve energy Because I don't know what's coming I'm gonna point in my life Why am I gonna call tomorrow And they're like hey dog This dude fell out of a movie

And your name came up We need your eight weeks Atlanta George Let's go And if I'm burnt out I'm gonna go on to a situation Burnt out So I look at them

Like when I was an open mic I was burnt out But when you're in open mic He's gonna be burnt Yeah you're supposed to There's a moment we've burnt down. No sleep, three hours, drinking, smoking, fucking that chick. Doing whatever it takes.

It's what it is. It's five years of hell, basically. You know, for you in Texas, that means you better get used to driving. Everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. And I remember driving 11 hours one time from Houston. And this is after the longer short.

And Texas is big. So it takes you a day to get just across it. I was in Houston and my buddy was at the bar and he goes, hey, man. the headliner fell out in Midland The whole team fell out in Midland You want to go and I'm like fuck let's go Until I went home and looked at that count Wait where are we going

And I agreed to do the fucking drive with this dude We left the night before doing coke And then at like four I slept for three hours And I woke up and drove Because this is 11 hours Yeah Houston That's the Midland Oh that area

That's like 11, 12 hours Oh my God You know and you're still not even at the end of the state I used to go to fucking Houston Pay a girl rent Like a douce to sleep on the couch And I would live with her From Monday to Wednesday

She lived on Westheimer That's it And I would fucking She did round the block From Taco Cabana That motherfucker fucking tacos And breakfast Will just rock your world

She lived in the gay area Like Westheimer But she was close to Montrose Yep Which is some of the best food In the country as far as I'm concerned with. I mean, that place will fat you the fuck up if you let it.

And I would spend my whole summer. I would book, you know, froggy bottoms and what's Texas State at? Lubbock. Yeah. Lubbock. Who goes to Lubbock? Yeah. I would go to Lubbock.

Oklahoma City. Yeah, all of that. It's just. Texas Arcana. Texas Arcana is where the magician went up. Jerry Roe just said a majoree said a madneck. A magician went up. And he ripped a paper.

And people in the audience were like, he's Satan. He's the son of the devil. They started throwing holy water and shit because they're not, you know, Texas, these brook, you know, there's some of these. Nacadoches. I never really had a room, a problem in Texas with a redneck room. One night in Conroe, the dude in front of me started talking shit and that flipped the show.

But I never had a problem in Texas. I did. You could say whatever the fuck you want on the outside of Texas. Austin, you got to be a little careful. they're a little uptight you can't talk about like in Houston you can't say Bush on state man Trump either or Trump either Austin you could say shit about Trump yeah you could talk about Bush and they're a little clap it's a college hippie town it's a college hippie town yeah so how is it like for you those five years being married comedy you know what it's crazy that's really kind of

being married when I used to hear people say being married it was the hardest shit I was ever going to do it got me closer to God however it made me focus more on just comedy. But in my situation, it was tough because I'm a woman, you know, as you can see. And so my husband at the time couldn't handle, you know, if I'm, if I get off set, if I get off stage, you already know, if I do a great job, the host is supposed to come up and piggyback off what I said. Let's make this shit even funny or blah, blah, blah. But, you know, the host would come up after me and be like, God damn, you see the titties on this bitch. I want to fuck shit out of her. Meanwhile, you know, my, you know, he was from New Orleans. So I got him coming from the

back at the stage wanting to kick everybody ass and in his rightful so somebody's disrespecting his queen but i'm up here to do a job so i need you to hold all of that inside and it caused me it caused that's really the reason one of the reasons that i am we separated because he just he couldn't handle the disrespect and he'd get mad at me because i wouldn't let him go why the fuck would you take him to your goddamn show well you know shit at that you're gonna tell your husband no you can't go yeah well it got to that at the end it was like man if you can't have yeah because he couldn't handle it. He could not handle it. That is the toughest part of being a comic is you become, it's like I always think about this. I'm eating dinner with my wife and daughter and she's saying

prayers before we eat. I'm like, what if I would have been in the mafia right now? And tonight, I got to go shoot somebody. Yeah. Like, when I joined the mafia, I didn't have this. When I got into comedy, I didn't have this. Yeah. Now I got this and I got to make this work. Yeah. You know, when I got married, I did a whole podcast about 30 years ago. I made a mistake. I got married. I wasn't ready to get married. I wasn't ready to get mad.

I wasn't ready to be a fucking dad. And it caused lives. It caused anguish, whatever. But when you get into comedy, I feel bad for a comedy partner has to be a certain type of person. Yes. And it's like, you got to look at them after the third date and go, let me answer something. Do I come to your engineering office with you? No.

You ain't coming to do comedy with me. I ain't cheating on you. I ain't looking for pussy. No. It's just a job. That was our problem. And that's the big problem that went. And then you have the problem when they're dating you as a man.

And now you're in Oklahoma with Kevin Hart and Razor Jay and six other brothers. What's he fucking thinking about? Yeah, exactly. Especially when he can't go. Yeah. Especially when you come home and go, Kevin gave me a $2 an hour bonus. Did he? Yeah.

What did you do to get that? That motherfucker just made a sex tape. You know? Yeah. And think about guys. Oh, yeah. Guys get married. The chick is white.

Oh, my God. It doesn't matter. I love him. He's not going to do that. It's so much fun. Wait until you knocked a bitch up. And she's home with two ugly kids. And you're on the road.

selling t-shirts and hats trying to make ends meet because you and I both know it. A feature? You got to fly to Florida and stay for three weeks to break even because if you go back and forth with the plane ticket, you lost. You lost. So once you go to Florida, you got to make sure you can do Miami for a lot of there West Palm. And then during the week, you got to find somewhere to crash or that quality comes out of your pocket. You're staying in Miami next to the, uh, the survivors from Bermuda. Fucking yell and screaming and doing Santa Ria next day.

You know, I mean, that's the reality of it, that you don't know these things. So how do you explain that? You know, when I'm calling you and I'm like, Mom, hi, Crystal, how are you doing? You got that crying baby on your thing. And you've been alone all week. And I'm like, I'm here with Lee. We're eating tacos in Miami. You're like, I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. This baby is in my- fucking crazy. You're not going to believe who I met. I met Bill Cosby. You're like Bill Cosby, my fucking ass. Get your fucking ass home. And you best say send that money home.

You got to send that money home because I'm sitting here by myself with no money. So on Monday you got to send money home. See how happy that bitch is. Yeah. Go up to half the 10 years and go, so how is it being married to a comedian? That woman or that man has to be so secure.

Yes, that's the key word. Yep. You see my wife, you met my wife. My wife is over it. Go to my wife and tell her you want to suck my dick. She's going to say. You know what my wife will say? How long?

Take him. Take him. Suck his dick. and take the laundry. You might as well do the laundry while you suck his dick. Please. My wife will tell you. Yeah.

Because she couldn't even, my wife let it go after like three years. Really? She had to. You have to let it go. She's involved with, we're partners. She's my comedy. She does the paperwork. She makes the calls to the agents.

She does the commercial. But as far as we don't, I don't want her. I don't want her at shows. I don't want to hold something back. Because you feel you do that, yeah. When you say something, like I took a shit in the backyard one time. I didn't tell her immediately. I told the joke a couple times.

Another one that after about a year later. By the way. You know. After we moved from that apartment, I said, hey, I took a shit in the back yard. And she said, was that shit that night that she came upstairs? She said, yeah, that was the bear in the house. I said, yeah, that was the same thing. I was the bear.

Yeah, most women can. Most guys. Can't yeah it's like fuck am I gonna go on Facebook at 11 o'clock and night after I worked at 12 hours shipped at the Dodge store Get on there and there you are with your cutoff shirt Looking fine in the motherfucker and I'm me and Leah hugging Yeah think about that so that's why I give it to poor no husbands Oh, I can't even imagine They're gonna come in area

They're right, what do you want for dinner? What do you want for dinner? How about fucking antibiotics? And that shit you put on. Some liceol wipes. That shit you put on and bubbles up. What's that liquid that you put up? And it bubbles up all the infections. Paroxide. Proxide.

And monkey blood, turpentile, all of that. Get all the infection out. So those five years, were they hard for you? Very hard. Where's your ex now? He's in Houston. Yeah. You communicate?

We still communicate because the fact, my brother told me this because it was so funny. My family from the South, my mother was the oldest of four boys. So all my family's been married for 100. years. Say they don't believe. My fucker can stab me in your throat, drag you down the street and fuck a bitch in front of your face. And they like, well, you need to work it out. So my brother was like, you know what? He showed up at a comedy show. And my brother didn't know I didn't have time

to tell him. And he just said, hey, whatever you decide, if we love him, I love him. If you hate him, I hate him. But you don't make another. If he wants to be with you and he wants to work this shit out, you don't make another big gesture. Because I moved out here and then I moved back to Houston. And then when it didn't work out, I moved back. So we've been in communication. but I'm like, if you want to make this work, you got to come out here because I'm not moving anymore because I'm really, really blessed to even be able to get back into comedy because when you leave L.A., you don't get, a lot of people don't get to come back.

This is hard. Like, I, like, did some things I ain't proud of to get back here. You know, when you leave the line and go to the bathroom, you come back and you're like, that was my spot, and they're like, no, it ain't. You got to start the fucking back again. And that's exactly what I had to do. Because by the time you left and you came back, a thousand motherfuckers moved here.

That's exactly. the motherfuckers move there. So I'm really blessed with that part to be able to get back. And we communicate. And don't get me wrong. You know, I'm older. So it ain't shit in these streets. I don't, you know, I don't have time for the games.

I don't have time. No, you can't borrow my car. No, you can't. Now, if you're my man and we've been rocking, you can have whatever I have. And I'll even get out there in them trenches with you to help. But if you just somebody trying to date me, these brothers that nowadays and white boys, just men, you know, let me borrow your car. Can I borrow some money?

Or can you help me get on this show? Man, I'm out here struggling. myself. So it's nothing out here as far as like dating, especially in California. I said, I need to go to New York or to Texas to find because I like men. I like men, men. I don't need nobody that I can look at and be like, I bet you I can open hands slap the shit out of him. I can't have that because I'm the bitch that will push it that far. So I need a man, man. And preferably nobody in the industry. Like, I want a man who got some, my hands don't need to be rougher than theirs. Like, I get it. Your hand's probably a little soft from the lotion and

shit. And I understand that. But I need it to be. be a callus somewhere. Just one. You got, let me see. I got some. Wait, there's a little. Yeah.

Yeah. They soft. They soft. And that's okay. I want you to get exhausted. But I need a man, man. I need a man. Like a man.

It's so crazy when you say the word man. When you're 18, you think you're a man. Yeah. Like you walk around telling bitches I'm a motherfucker man and shit. And I didn't become a man until I got off cocaine. when I was 44 years old, 45 years old, I became a man. Really? You think?

Wow. I know for a fact. There's a definition to a man. Yeah. And that's to just be an all-around good guy, support his wife. Yeah. Provide. Be a good husband to your wife.

Listen. Listen. We're all fucking sinners and we're all going to make mistakes. Yeah. I'm not going to tell you a bunch of shit. I'm not. but the difference between this marriage and my first marriage and night and day.

Really? You know? And a week before my mother died, she got mad at me, and she said, well, I want you to grow up to be a man. And I always knew what she did.

And then when I found the dead, it rang in my head. And she wasn't talking about fucking bitches or being money or nothing like that. Being a man is just a certain quality. Yeah. It's a certain thing. And I just became a man.

man and since the 45 now I'm 56 now I've been a man for 11 fucking years you look good joy huh you look good it's not even about looking good I know but I'm saying for 56 you look great it's it's it's it's a really weird that I now I'm a man before that I wasn't a man at all I couldn't control myself I couldn't support a family couldn't support a man I'm not ashamed to say that yeah couldn't support the family couldn't do nothing A man looks, you know, you spit out three kids, you better get ready to have three fucking jobs. You know what? That football you used to watch on Sunday.

That don't exist no more. Yeah, let's go get it. Take that T-shirt and give it back because I don't know what you're talking about. You know, men look at things that need to be done. And they do it. They get it done. Yeah. This is not tomorrow.

This is not today. This is not. This is right now. Unfortunately, with ours, he had a business. He had a daycare. And I saw him work this from zero students to 300. But the problem, you made this very good comment about before you joined the mafia, you didn't have your family.

When I used to date him way back in the day, I was a school teacher. I was working at a collection agency. So then we got back together years later. And I said, oh, I'm a comedian. He's like, and if you've never heard of me, you're like, oh, okay. So I'm going on the road. Everywhere I can I'm hunting stages. So instead of him sticking home to stay with his business, he started following me on the road.

And then the business started to, you know, fall short. And then he lost the business. And I don't care what it. We've had heated arguments and it's my fault. You know, oh, I'm out here supporting your dreams and following your dreams, but you don't care about my dreams. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

So my five years was tough, man. I don't care what you got to do. you got to do your job first. Yeah. You got to put yourself, it's a way to put yourself first without being selfish. I don't care what you want to do.

I don't care what I want to do. I don't have no say in my life. Do you think I have a say in my life? I would do your wife and that baby, yeah. I do what needs to be done. I don't have to say. Rambo, whatever came out. I've been dying to go see Rambo kill some motherfuckus.

Have I had a chance to go see Rambo? I could tell my wife and daughter at 6 o'clock tonight. at dinner, I'm going to see Rambo. I'm taking time away from them. So I got to find a way to see fucking Rambo in the movie theater. That's the difference between being

a man and a boy. Is doing what needs to be done. We really don't give a fuck what you like, what you don't like. You know, when I was a kid, you should have heard me. I don't like steak with fat on it. I don't like the white bread with the things on it. I don't like that.

When my mother died? No. All that shit I didn't like, I had to like quick. Yeah. I had to figure it out quick. So I became a junior man. Like I know how to do my laundry. I ran my own ship.

Yeah. But I wasn't no man. I couldn't cover a rent. I couldn't make a car payment anymore. I wasn't consistent in my actions. I'd have a job for two weeks and quit, regardless of the consequences. Wow. That's not a man.

Yeah. You know, these all little things that men don't. little things that men don't do. This is what I'm doing. I'm going to do it three times a week until they put me in a casket. And this is what you do. It doesn't matter what you want to do,

what time you have, who's waiting for you. It comes to the point now where it's my family first and the envelope second. And you come third. Everybody, everything else that comes with,

it comes third. My family's first. The bag, the envelope. My envelope is second. And everybody else, you got to wait a lot. online. I need for you to do my podcast in Santa Monica.

Well, that's three hours. I don't have three hours. I got to go see Rambo first. Okay? So before I do your fucking podcast, I'm going to go watch Rambo first. When I get three hours free, like Saturday,

my daughter's got a play date. I'm a party and girls party. If you don't think I'm going to see Rambo on Saturday and taking ten edibles, I'm getting fucked up because I don't even have a spot Saturday. I got date night with the wife. So I'm just taking that,

I'm going to take that hunger from those edibles. And take it right into date, man. I'm going to cast like that 420 Rambo. It's still be a night. Fuck, yeah. I'm taking a gun with me because the Joker's going to be out. A bunch of motherfuckers are going to be shooting people with the Joker. Yeah, buddy. Jesus.

Yeah, it's bad. The Joker better not be playing with Rambo. Because I'll tell you what, I feel like shooting all these Joker people. Because the original Joker was Cesar Romero. Let's leave it there. All right. Cesar Romero was a Cuban dude on the Batman. He was cousins with Fidel Castro.

somewhere or another. Cesar Romero. Check them out. Look at my Wikipedia. Cesar Romero, the original Joker. Anything after that is background motherfucking music. He was cousins with Fidel's wife.

Wow. Cousand with Fidel Castro. I thought you're making that up. No, I'm not making it. Fucking up. Why would I make something like that out? Wikipedia that motherfucker. Yeah, those people are crazy,

and they mess in the movie up. Like, I know all the big wigs for this movie, they're, like, cringing because it's making and people not want to go to the movie. Let me ask you a question. If you run a studio, you want a motherfucker to get shot because that'll draw them up.

They tell people not to eat opiates because they'll kill you. What are people eating? Chewing them up like skittles. Don't do fentany. You're looking for fentanyl. Everybody wants the best. Yeah, you're right. Everybody wants to be lying

for this fucking movie. That's crazy. His mom is the daughter of Jose Marteen. His mom is the daughter of Jose Marti. Jose Marti is like a great philosopher in Cuba that wrote all these things. But he's like, second. Look at the joke. Look at his face.

Wow, it is. That's the joke. That's a Cuban dude, dog. That's the original fucking joker. And he did it to the T in 1960. Why are we We still fucking with it? We just did the joke a couple years ago. That's my fuck OD, didn't he? Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with it? It was.

We're like, we're like, we've become like, that's what you're talking about. Yeah. Between men. And kids. Yeah. There's men at home going, I wouldn't see that if you fucking fuck me up the ass for a. Rambo's also like seven.

I'm excited to see Rambo too, but he's also like 70 years old. Yeah. I heard it's from the beginning and he kills more people than John Wick. Really? Okay. Now, John Wick is 56. Look at old age. If Rambo out kills him at 70.

I don't know. Are you fucking kidding? Who's that? Sebastian. Yeah, he looked like he barely hanging on. He's barely hanging on. So can he really save us? It was like, man, my hero's that man right there.

Charles Bronson is my hero. He shot more white people and more immigrants. I don't even know what I was seen in my life. He would shoot you in a New York. I mean, this motherfucker would shoot you in a New York minute, okay? What was the point? I'm sorry. Really?

He's old? I don't know. Oh, yeah, he was old. Towards the end, they made Death Wish Four. I walked out of a movie theater with tears in my eyes. It was my shame on me for even going. Death Wish 1 was good. Death Wish 1 was good.

Jimmy Page played the soundtrack. But three, he was chasing motherfuckers. They wouldn't even let him show him run. One minute he would just turn around and go like this. And the next one, he was tackling the fat dude. It's like in the 70s, there was a show on scene that's called Canon. He was the original Ralphie Mae. Okay.

The guy weighed 500 pounds. He was a cop. And you would shoot him because he would go like this. And the bull would go around them. Come on, bro. I'm fucking eight and I'm watching this going, come on. Yeah. This motherfucker's got to get hit with something.

A hot dog. He's just going like this. And the pole was all around. 500 fucking pounds. He was agile. Yeah. So you did your five years in Houston. Yeah.

You did everything. The joke joint. Joke joint. Ken was, yeah. And you know what? It's crazy. I got over there with Ken at the joke joint because a dude, a promoter tried to blackball me from the improv. of just nonsense. So I started going over there. That's what made me. It was the best thing, though,

because it made me start producing my own shows. And I was over there with Ken at the joke joint. And that's what actually, so I got to see both sides of it. I got to see, okay, now I got the stage side, but now I got the other side when it comes to booking comics, making sure they get in, making sure they make their flights on time, making sure regardless of what the door does, that everybody gets their money, because I never want to be that person, because I'm a comedian as well. So if you're doing a show with me, regardless, if I got to go in the back and be like, let me sell some shit, you're going to get your money because that's the worst feeling in the world to get that. What did you tell me that other day?

Let me let me hollage. And when you hear that shit, you already know, here comes some bullshit. So let's tell you, I'm going to pay your money. And then at the end of the gig, I look at you and I go, can I talk to you for a second? That's it. Bad news. You already know. It's bad.

It's bad. So what happened last weekend when you went to Houston? Well, we went to Houston. I was worried because, as we all know, that it was underwater. But that was more of the Kingwood, the Conroe, the north side of Houston. But the media had it thinking that Houston was underwater. So it was my birthday. So I had hit everybody and said, hey, I don't have to do this show.

I'm just doing this as a celebration. So let me know if y'all are still coming. Everybody was like, no, bitch, we're coming. We're coming. So all my friends flew in town. I had Keanu Dancy, Kelly Kales. They all flew in town. Plus, I had some local girls.

We had well over 100 people in there because we're in there counting. Because we already know. Like we count like how many people in here cool I didn't even want to start taking shots and celebrate until I knew that we were good Man at the end of the night that man passed us four hundred dollars For like five comics and he was like man. I'm sorry and I was like no I was like that's not that's this isn't what's going on we counted So it was just let the people at home and the tickets were supposed to be $25 on the flyer How much were they at the door? He went from 10 to 20 to nothing he even was telling people people if you get a bottle if you get a bottle I'll let you in for free and I was like

and then he was like well your people aren't used to paying they were upset about $20 I said that's a lie I was like because my people that comes to me they're used to go into comedy clubs where they know they're gonna pay $20 plus a two item minimum and my home girl was like girl I came up there and gave them $25 and they were like oh are you with somebody and she was like no and she's like they gave her half her money back and they just didn't have good business and also I was supposed to have I got so many learning lessons out of this and that's what the biggest deal it hurts but it won't happen no more it kicked my ass but

i learned from it i was supposed to have a door girl they were late picking us up they told my door girl oh you're good you don't have to be up here so i didn't have anybody up there that was saying hey this is wrong this is what's supposed to be it's 25 now i could see if the show had started we well into the show okay then you probably want to take that down but they just they just completely messed over us didn't pay us at the end of the day. They didn't know what they were doing with the door. They charged some people 10. I think they might have only charged one person $25. Because I was in there in the back of the 400 that I did get it was hell of tens. And he was like, I'd rather take something than nothing. I was like, well, you don't know

comedy. I was like, because my people are used to paying $20 at the door. And they know they got to buy two items, whether some water and some nasty cheese nachos, but you got to get two items. And so he just messed over us. And then he kept saying, oh, we're going to bring y'all back. And I'm like, do you really think I want to work with you again after you fucked over me? And then you fucked over me for pennies. Imagine if it's a big envelope. You'll kill a bitch. Damn.

You're doing this over a couple of thousand dollars. That's not cool. Danny lied about the bar. And because of the fact that I knew the guy in the back, I was back there drinking, he was like, oh, no, no, no. Where did you get a thousand? He goes, oh, y'all did well over 2000. Oh, well, 2,000. Oh, well, you're right.

Then the door should have definitely been, y'all should have had more than. that from the door. You fuck think? So, I mean, what do you do? Like, how do you feel after something like that? Man, you like, let me tell you something. What got me to hear you, you know, have lost your mother, I lost my, that's what got me in the comedy. My mother was 56. She had a massive heart attack in Texas. You know, when you're in college, you don't know who, you don't say which city you're from. You just say, oh, I'm from California. My roommate was from California. So my mother passed away. I was mad at my family. I have a sister that teeter-totters back and forth with drug addiction. So my family was the family small country town. We going to hide it. So my mama did

everything in the world to hide the fact that my sister was smoking. Correct, but everybody knew it. So the doctor had been telling her, hey, take a break. You don't need to. So when she passed away, I said, fuck it to my whole family, call my college roommate. She was actually in Valayo, California. I'm like, where's the Hollywood sign? Like, where to fuck? So I was in the wrong area and that night when it happened, I was in there crying. My girlfriends was like, bitch, don't cry at your birthday. And I was like, this is the worst birthday that I've ever had. Like, I can't believe I'm still going through this shit. And then I had to have a moment where I'm like, bitch, you lost, you buried your mama a day before your birthday 11 years ago. So you'll be okay. So strap it up. Learn, don't let nobody fuck over you like that again and just keep it pushing. So for a second, it deterred me like,

man, should I not be doing shows? Like, should I not be trying to produce shows? But I can't let that determine. I got to keep going and just learn from it. This life you're living, what you're talking about, I pretty basically lived from, let's just be conservative when I started getting paid. Maybe 95, maybe $2,000. Wow. So for 17 years, every time I took a gig, I had to be careful because checks bounce. checks bounce you know and you learn along the way he's your friend

you take a check next thing you know you go to the restaurant your ATM card don't work Jesus Christ what happened yeah you're just taking a date that you just met and now your card don't work and you run to the ATM and the ATM telling you have zero balance no money

nothing and now you realize that that check you got for $600 bounced and everything else that you paid for bounced your bills that you had coming out and then you call the guy and the guy's like we paid you from the wrong account. You know, so for whatever, until 2000, whatever, every gig, I got wiser as I got stronger. Again, not a racist comment by no means.

I'll say it. I don't do business with Latino or black bookers. And I ain't racist as being smart. Yeah. My friend here, Crystal Powell, is African-American. She knows I'm not racist, but the problem that you have is you want your money. Like you guys, when you paint the wall, you want your money. When you go to work for eight hours a day, you want your money.

What would happen if you worked all week, and the guy tells you at the end of the week, hey, I know you get 12 an hour, but this week I can only pay you six. Would you just take the check? Could you imagine living in that fear for 17, years. So now I know when people are lying, now when people contact me, I say, great, let me give your number, call him. And they'll hit me back and go, we don't want to do it through him, so you ain't real. Yeah. Have a good life. Thank you. Yeah. And people get mad at me. I've lost friends, comedy friends over this situation, but I've also explained to them. I got beat.

So much, yeah. For so many years at so many different levels that, you know. You got to cover yourself. And you got a family. So you can't take them. You can't take those. Once Mercy was born, I had to play for keeps. Mm-hmm.

I'm playing for keeps. You don't cover yourself? I'm sorry. You got everybody around me, got to pull their own. Yeah. Because I got a baby. Yeah. I'm playing for keeps.

I ain't got time to be Nick and Natting. Oh, festival, pay my money. Oh, you don't. I can't do your festival. Okay. Anytime I leave, you got to pay my money. Festivals for different levels is really good. But when they're using you as a draw for their festival, they got to pay me the paper.

Yep. Dog, I just went through something four months ago. I called the motherfucker. I had a goodness of my heart. This is just to let you know the hustle never ends. But what they don't know is, I'm from that hustle. So before you think you're going to put it on me, I see it coming. Yeah, a mile away.

I should leave the house. I called the booker, and I said to him, listen, I didn't call him for spots this week. Can I do your show on Saturday night as a guest? You know, he goes, absolutely. How much time you want to do? I go, I just want to go in there and do 10. Do you know, I go on Twitter next day. It's like, I can't wait to see you Saturday night.

Because I don't put you on the flyer. You put me on the flyer. I said, I kind of call him back, and I wait. You know me. I waited until Saturday. Okay. And called home me back at five and said, hey, not for nothing. I see you put me on the fly.

You draw, yeah. I go, didn't I call you and tell you to put me on the special gas? He goes, yeah, it was kind of a mistake. I go, let me tell you the big mistake. You're not going to see me tonight. Since you want to be crooked, yeah. And he called and called. He still calls every week.

I don't answer the phone. He brought me weed, one name wrote me a letter. I threw the letter away. There's no business. And that's good to hear, though. There's no business. The strongest word that a comic needs to learn at some point is no. Not your first 10 years. Your first 10 years, you got to take everything. Okay. You got to take everything because that's how you're going to learn what you want and what you don't want. Okay. You know, you're going to learn what you will do and what you won't do.

I'm going to tell you something I decided when I was a feature act and you're going to look at me and say, Joey, you're crazy and ballsy. And I stuck to it. I ain't working Sundays. Really? I decided that

seven years into the business. You're working on Sundays? I ain't doing it no more. I woke up at the Addison Improv one day on a Sunday. Football was on. I had to walk to some fucking restaurant. I didn't mind.

But when I walked back, I got to do all this all day for a 7 o'clock show for people who don't really want to see comedy. On Sunday. I was working with a shitty headliners or they gave away 100 tickets. And I said right there, I'm not working Sunday. And I remember telling people, I don't work Sundays. I remember telling Rogan and leaving them there. I would tell Rogan, bring somebody else because I got to leave on Sunday.

What do you mean? I don't work Sunday. That's dope. I don't work on Sunday. That's why I respect Chick-fil-A. Okay. Yeah, because they're like, I'm not fooling with it. on a Sunday.

There's a bunch of fat fuck. They don't care. Yeah. They stick to their rule. That's that, you know, I'm doing a bit right now where people hate Chick-fil-A. It's not politically clerk to eat a Chick-fil-A because their insurance don't cover your abortion. And they just don't like gay people. I like gay people.

I can't agree with them with that, but that's not going to mean I'm going to boycott the best motherfucker's sandwich. Chick-sand-you-Busch. The best mother-in-christian sandwich because they hate gay people. You know what I'm saying? That's their right. That's their right. That's right. I got nothing as gay people.

You know, when you go to Austin, all these dumb white people, oh my God, I went to that barbecue and I went out wine for an hour. Listen, go to Chick-Fouillard. That could be a line all the way down to Burbank, and they take care you in 10 minutes because they got computers. The guy comes up to you. By the time you get to your thing, you're fucked, you get to your table, your orders right there.

They do it right. Plus, I respect that they got up when they said, we ain't working on that same days. and everybody else Burger King everybody else is selling their soul they don't do it I have to, and that's the type of guy I am Yeah

There's one day I go, I'm not doing that no more And I will never do it again Regardless of what you pay me Yeah regardless of what you want to do All money ain't good money No Yeah No everything has to end

And you control it You know after the strike in 2007 All I got hit was YouTube movies Not for nothing I've done some fucking movies Yeah A lot Why the fuck

What I want to do a YouTube movie For $100 a day And really be Basically what's carrying your film Yeah You know Like I gotta work with Oh you

The director's nephew Because he invested $2,000 In a movie Yeah Dude's wife Because she invest You know For years I did all those movies

They didn't go nowhere Look at my MDB I got 20 movies Nobody's seen her Because I didn't go nowhere. There was a favor and I wasn't thinking. I was using as an acting tool to get better at acting

to learn my way around the set. You'd learn all these things. But after a while I didn't want to do YouTube films no more. I didn't want to do YouTube films and I was getting sick and tired of doing a $100 day films. So from 2010

even though I needed the money. You said no. No. And so that's hard. for her yeah no no because you want to work but you're proven to yourself it's a discipline okay that we've lost in this country it's a discipline okay this is a discipline now when you're raised in japan old school it's a discipline you know that this is what needs to be done i'm sticking to this you know people call me on the time hey we'll pay you this much of you enjoy karate video not doing it i'm not smoking on periscope no more once i move on with something i move on with something

I'm done. Yeah. There's no coming back. There's no, well, and think about it. Whenever they give you money and you do some, it's like when you go back with that old boyfriend. The respect is gone. And this time, he got a bitch pregnant.

Like this time, he took it to the next level. Yeah. Meanwhile, he's telling you you're the one and you're, how do you feel when you live there, when you leave there? How do you feel you knew. Worthless, yeah. Walking in there, you were fucking up. Mm-hmm.

Then why are you contradicting yourself? Yeah. You sit down and you go, that's it. And that's it. This is what I'm doing. This is how I'm going to do. You don't want to live that life no more. You put an end to it and you move and you don't look back.

Yeah. And I still remember fucking being bro, Jack, in 2011 and getting a call from the funny bones. And them going, listen, you know, because I was opening for Rogan. You know, if I get the funny bones, if they get 100 people to come see it, they fucking light off fireworks. The fucking funny bones. Great clubs. Yeah.

Great clubs. I love working them, but they're not the improvs. Yeah. And they're not a theater or whatever. So the funny bone chain called me. Some lady I knew when she goes, listen, they want to offer you like four or five weeks. And I was like, that's great. Wednesday through Sunday, there's some amount of money.

And I go, everything is great, but Papa don't work Sunday. I'll never forget saying that. Wow. She was like, well, then you're going to get, well, let's call you back. And they called me back and they go, we'll accept it. but it's 1,200 flat. So it's going to be 400 for a plane ticket. So I'm walking with eight.

And I got to be there from Wednesday through Sunday morning. I said, fuck it. I'll get a job at this Ford dealership. And I went there and talked to them about a job and went to pissing the bottle and everything. I mean, once I make my mind up about something, I ain't doing it. You know, you get to the point where you're just not doing it no more.

Yeah. You know, I was just getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. and how to change everything around. There's a dude, there's a booker out of New York. I love Dealey. And I would use him a lot. I would use him as like my part-time booker. If I was doing anything from Toronto down to Texas,

I would call him and go, hey, I'm looking to be in this area these couple weeks. Can you book me? And he would always call me, I got you something. It's only a feature spot. It pays $4.50. I get down there, dog. No hotel in 350.

This guy would do this to me constantly. I said my one night in Baltimore, no pay, they mail your check and no hotel. What? Here I am sleeping on a fucking park bench until the bus went back at 7 in the morning the next day. And see, you're saying that?

I got thousands of these. Thousands of these. And I need to hear them because I'll be over here having a little pity party. And I was in L.A. already. That happened to me. Jeez.

2002, 1. I was in LA already. I had already done Mad TV, basketball. They gave me a gig. You know, you don't ask these questions. You're so enthused with the gig that you're going to ask. You're excited.

And then when you get there, they hit you with a, by the way. Oh, there's no hotel. What are you? You're calling the dude in New York. He ain't answering on Saturday. He's out playing golf with the rest of his fucking goofy buddies. Yeah. And here I am in both.

And we finished the gig. I hung out at the gig as long as I could. Y'all need help with some dishes. And I took my little luggage and I made, like, you have a ride? I'm like, yeah, I may believe I was heartbroken. I had like $4 in my pocket and a bus ticket. That God had a, I bought a return bus ticket back to New York. I got a thousand of those.

Thousand dollars. When the Latino Kings of Comedy got popular, the dude, some black dude, Oh, I promote Earth Winding Fire on the road And Aretha Franklin I've done concerts with everybody He took a, you know, those toy fucking bouncy houses? He took one, he made it out of a castle

And he called us the Knights of Comedy, the Latino Knights of Comedy. And we went to Alabama, all the, you know, like off parts of Houston. Every gate. I still remember running in Dallas. This is when I was 400 pounds, drug addicted. And you know how Dallas is?

I'm thinking of an airport Dallas is. You've got to connect the plane. Dallas. You better be in shape. Shit. This is 30 minutes to get from D-Dade. And sitting on the plane and thinking I was going to get a heart attack, sitting next to him in the back.

Like, he would buy us the cheapest, cheapest plane tickets right by the bathroom. And he'd be sitting with us. How are you guys doing? Having a good time? And every fucking show, hey, man, can I holl at you? I know I told you I was going to pay you $800, but I can only give you $5.50. And then you go home, heartbroken. You needed the money, and I'll catch you on the next one.

Yeah, that's it. Call you for the next one. Then this one, he told you $800 again, and he would give you $8, but what about the two from the last one? Catch you next time, player. And then he did again. Then this time he was 100 short. It was like me, Alex Ramundo, there was a couple of us.

Then I would get deposits from him. You know, how much is the gig? 800, give me five. Well, I ain't got it player. Well, you got to get it for me to do the gig. So I don't have no point. And then the one time I got the deposit from him, that's tonight I'm in my room and I hear banging on the door.

I open the door and there's two white dudes, a black dude, a bunch of cops. And I'm like, what's going on? And they're like, Mr. Diaz, do you know where, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever the book is name is. And I go, no, I don't. He left, he didn't pay the hotel. He didn't pay the fucking radio promotion.

And he didn't pay the concert hall. We want to know where he is. It's theft. He left. Thank God I got my deposit from me because I learned. If not, I wouldn't even have gotten to 300. Got that and you'd have been there with nothing. So I got him for the plane ticket and a five at least.

And do they make you feel like you're a diva or a jerk for asking for a deposit? they're like oh man you don't trust me you have to ask for deposit especially if it's over 500 bucks and you don't know the people that's how you know if they're real yeah that's how you know if that happens to you like the great like i have no i feel like i should not even complain listen i was getting tortured even after the longest yard i'll never forget going to addison after the longest yard

selling out Saturday night and addison that's different arlington He never told me the number. We said, let's see how the night the week goes. And I will tell you people the number. It was Tuesday through Saturday then. It was Wednesday through Saturday. Damn.

I headline Wednesday, Thursday, two Friday and both shows to sold out on Saturday and one on Sunday. That's Wednesday, Thursday. That's Wednesday, Thursday, 7th show. This motherfucker, Trey Blue is his name. Looked at me and gave me a check for $1,200 an hour. And I looked at them and I passed a check back and I said, this is one of your white dudes from the improv, you'd be giving him a lot more.

Rethink that over before you give me that. Rethink that over before you give me that. And he changed it. He made the proper adjustments and I never fucked with him again. After the longest shot, this motherfucker tried. Now, if a booker would have called me in there, I would have got 25 plus the plane ticket plus transport. I didn't have a booker.

So I do everything myself. This is the disadvantages of not having a booker. Not everybody will book you until you start selling tickets, especially now. Nobody's not just sign you because you sell 10 tickets. They know when you sell tickets. There's a computer. And they look at it every Monday. And they start looking at it.

Oh, look. Fucking Lee selling tickets. He sold 80 tickets in Michigan. Go on his website. Where is he next week? He's in Wisconsin. He's in Wisconsin. 110.

Now they'll start talking to you. Because this is the mafia. There's nothing different than the mafia, comedy, when you're a salesman, it's the biggest emerald. Hmm. Okay. If you were managed by three yards and you called your manager, and he's the same manager Kevin Hart has,

who's going to get that call answered back first? Kevin. Okay, then. Yeah. Why? Because he's the draw. Like people are going to come and see him. You understand?

Without a doubt. Buts and seat. This business, like any other business, like any other thing in the world, is based on money. I've seen the funniest guys at the store. I've seen a thousand funny guys. And they couldn't figure out. They were frustrated. They did a special for Comedy Central.

It's not to you get a claw across a certain way and reach the masses and make them spend money for you, that you have nothing. You could be the funniest guy in America and be a regular at the store. Then you go to Montreal and they'll give you a deal for being funny and they'll try to develop a show around you. You have no life stories. And then when your show doesn't get picked up, you get thrown out to the wolves. And now you're going to start from scratch anyway. Yep. And that's why Kevin Hart gets so much respect out of a guy like me.

Because Kevin got a deal, put a show on ABC on it wasn't the best show in the world. He got canceled. Kevin's feelings got hurt. He sat down in front of a notebook and he wrote a plan. And the number one thing on this plan is I'm going on the road for a year. straight no weekends off and I'm getting $1,500 a week from every club and I'm giving away every ticket for free. I don't want not a dime over $1,500. I want to get every plane ticket. I want to fill in every ticket. I will tweet tickets, free tickets for me for a year. This is what

for Twitter, Facebook or anything. Kevin did this. He did this for about 18 months every weekend. Wow. Every weekend. Give him away the tickets because he knew exposure. Exposure. Exposure. What happens at his show? You know, it's like I don't like sending tapes because I know I don't do good in tapes.

I don't do good when I do a special. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. He knew his. He knew that if they just came to see me. If I can get him to see me. And if I could retain 2,200 people, if I could retain 20%, which is high, So if the club has 500 seats and you do six shows, that's 3,000 people. Yeah.

What's 10%? It's 300 people. Yeah. So if I can retain 20%, I got something to work with next time around. I'll take another punch to the face next time around. What the next time after that? I'm going to be doing the punching. I get punched.

So that's the secret of this, that you have to learn how to lay down for a while. get kicked in the stomach. Yeah. Somebody grab your titty. What? You know. Yeah. It's gone.

It happens. Somebody smacks your ass. Or they wait to give you an envelope. Everybody else does they pay money. Now, yeah. You know, I told you I started a club mix. Yeah. Until this day, I tell you two stories to that story.

I thank Kwame. Because Comedy Works was just giving me one spot a month. Quamee was giving me a spot every Sunday. And I'm talking about opening up a DL, opening up a Bernie Mac, opening up a set of the entertainer. I didn't know these black motherfuckers were. If you want me to tell you, I knew what they were.

I knew Richard Pryor. I knew Richard Pryor. I knew Guy Tore. I do Martin Lawrence. I knew those guys from Comedy Jam when I started comedy. These other black motherfuckers, I don't know these guys. Yeah. And because of them, today, I'm still friends with Cedric.

Yeah. Still friends with D.L. We're talking 1994 club mix on East. Colfax. I didn't go one Sunday and they said, you hear what happened last night? They shot four motherfuckers. We drove up, then there was still casings around everywhere,

machine guns. It was a fucking Crip hangout or blood hangout. Dang. You know, they'd be sitting opposite each other. Throwing them things out of each other. You know, and you're trying to do fucking comedy. Yeah. But, and he would always go,

it's the same deal. $40. Do you know I did that room for a year? That motherfucker never gave me $40. He never really, I think the highest year ever gave me was 20 and two drink tickets. But you want me to be mad at them. You want me to come on here and talk shit about them?

At that time, I talked shit about them. But knowing what I know now, put me up every Sunday. Yeah. To the exposure, everybody got to see it every Sunday. It's a catch, 22. It's a wash, yeah. You know, when I lived in Seattle, it's a woman who hated me. She just hated me, bro.

Not everybody likes everybody. There was three main bookers, Pat Wilson, Donna Richards, and this other lady, she's dead now. God rest of the soul. Fuck her. But she didn't like me. She didn't like me. But she had 30 rooms.

This bitch had Sunday through Thursday. Sowed up. Sowed up. Three of those weeks. She could book you three weeks. Like if you do the Seattle comedy competition, you would call her. And the week that you win and you have off,

she would put you in the room. So you would make anywhere from more. 125 to $50 in that. Whether you feature an MC, she didn't really care about that. She just always like, ah, you know what, you're a good feature. All headline to them.

I'll give you the 150. She hated me. And you know what? I fucking hated her. So guess what I did? I used it to my advantage. I knew she hated me, but every week I'd call.

Every week. Every Monday at 904. and I looked at what schedule she'd have. I wouldn't give her veils. I just knew her schedules. So I would say Thursday night, I want to do the parakeet bar. I want to do a guest partner. She would go, that's fine.

And I would go down there and blow up the room. And the owner would ask me, why don't you work this? And I go, because she don't like me. And that would be it. But because of her, I did 16 more sets a month. month because I would torment her on Monday so I would do Monday Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday and then she had a Sunday show I got it on that again I was the best guest spot holder and people would say to me why do you do this don't you want to

get paid I'm getting paid I'm gonna get paid in 20 years right now I'm just clocking it yeah I'm just clocking it this gets paid for you're gonna get paid for this not today but one day in 20 years it's like when your grandmother gives you that $20 savings bond and you go to cash that motherfucker in at the mailbox and they give you a dollar and you're like what the fuck it's 20 hours. Fucking 30 years it becomes 20 hours. The same thing.

That's what we don't understand. So yeah, she used to tell her friends, fucking Joey Diaz is a sap. He does my shows for free 20 minutes. But look at him now. But in the meantime, I just got stronger and they weren't my shows. They had nothing to do with me. So I could go there with no pressure. Yeah.

Yeah. There's no pressure. So who's laughing? Yeah. I remember coming down there like calling. Thank you for letting me do all those guests. I'm a regular at the store now, bitch, and you're still up in Seattle getting rained on.

Bye. You fish slapped in your face. So that's the thing. That's the other thing. As long as you get half of what you got coming to you, you know, and some people pay you before you get there. Some people pay on time. The club in Boston, six weeks to pay you.

They mail your check. Wow. to decide how many times you're going to do that. First time I did it, I woke up Monday morning. There was an overnight. FedEx. The check was there. Nice.

Second time I did it. It took about six weeks. Third time I did it. I did Christmas and he paid me in March. Never picked up his calls again. Even though I liked going to Boston, even though I liked the crab cakes, even though I could do that. Fucking thing on Monday night, even though I could do this room on Tuesday.

I just didn't do his room anymore. Even though he'd pay me $600,000, I refuse to do his room. You decide. It comes to a point where how much heartache do you want? And it comes to men and women. You got a boyfriend, Crystal, you call at 11 o'clock. He comes over with a bottle. You talk for 10 minutes.

He gives you what you want. You take what you need. And that motherfucker knows to go home. Yeah. You got other motherfuckers that come over. You got a cigarette. You got a light. You ain't got no wine.

Yeah. I borrow your car tomorrow. I got an interview. So you got to realize how important is this dick or this pussy? I want the dramaless pussy. Yeah. To come to it. Ready, made, got its own shit.

Come over, suck it, and leave. Please. Quietly. I don't hear about your family. I don't want to hear about your mother's lumbago. I don't care about your family's dog. I don't give a fuck about none of that shit. It's the same with comedy.

How much drama do you want? In the beginning, you got to take. all the comedy they want. Comedy's an abusive partner in the beginning. This is domestic violence at its highest. Comedy makes O.J. look like a fucking, comedy makes O.J. look like a fucking nothing. Because if you're doing it right, you're suffering. If you're, if, because there's nothing worse than wanting. There's nothing worse than wanting. You know, and I tell people all the time, I don't know how many times I used to get home from those open mics in 94 and 95 crying. crying because I had nothing else going on.

It's not like I had to, I couldn't become a rocket engineer. I was 30 years old. Yeah. It was running out of time. We're going to learn to be a chef or 30. When we're going to get a job of Chili's and learn how to be a waiter. There was nothing else. So I would come home at night and there was a newspaper and I would circle all the club like someday.

I'm going to work in Atlanta. I'm going to show those motherfuckers. Someday I'm going to work giggles. And then you get into the business. You're like, I don't want to work fucking. giggles? They fucking rob people and shit. Yeah.

It's just weird. So the first 10 years, you have to put up with an abusive part. This is abuse. Yeah. He doesn't care if you're tired. He doesn't care if you're sick. He doesn't care if your mother's in town.

Or about your feelings. About your feelings? Because that's when you have to go out and do comedy. You never seen an open mic or drive up to a comedy on open mic with a Ferrari, have you? Ever. Never. So what makes you? think that you do comedy when your life is the hardest when you can't pay the rent go do

comedy you'll be a funny motherfucker that's the funniest when it's the 29th and you ain't got the rent on the 31st you like fuck it i ain't got shit to lose you'll be the funniest guy in that room because you learned this is the struggle you need to go through you need to go through these struggles he you lost 600 but you learned you got a six thousand dollar valuable lesson yeah so how long have you been back in that right now? February will be two years. Really? Yeah. And how's it? Now, what did you hook up with Kevin? He put you in his little special. That was

four years ago. That was like my second year in Houston. And then that changed a lot for me because I used to, you know, on Mondays, I'm emailing my avails, all of that. And I would never get anything back. As soon as I did Heart of the City, people started emailing me. So I've been

back here two years. We'll be February, but it's been three since I did Heart of the City. So you hooked up with him in Houston. I hooked up. There's no way. No hook up. Yeah.

There's no way I would have got heart of the city in L.A. Because you got to realize it's a peckingort. Like it's a hundred motherfuckers that's ahead of me. I see what you're saying. But in Houston, it's just a few of us. So the Pickens is slim. There's no way I'd have got heart of the city in Los Angeles if I'd have done it here. Because it's too many people ahead.

So he came to Houston. Uh-huh. That's what he does. Uh-huh. He does it in each little city. Like he did Houston. He did Dallas. He did Seattle.

He goes around. He actually, he's never. done one in in actual in LA he's never done one he goes around to all these smart small little towns or to cities and then he does like a contest no he just does a showcase you have to you know you have to submit for it and like I think it was like 300 of us and then he'll pick like yeah it's big and then right after that it was great because they had the Houston Super Bowl and it was 800 of us that applied for that

and I was the only comedian out of it so I was like all right so stuff started moving And I'll tell you, when I came back to L.A., I came back to L.A. with credits, I was stronger, but it still didn't matter. But you get in line. You get in line. And I ain't a lot. You can ask Kita. I'll be telling her, if you tell him, I'm going to punch you in your head. And she was like, no, I'm at the comedy store crying. Like, just, but then I'll, that's why I'm so happy and so blessed that, you know, Kita even connected us and all this stuff that you're telling me today because I need to hear it because I'll be in my own head and just be like, man, I can't believe I'm going through this. And it's like, every. great person, they've all gone through it. So it makes you no different. And then I have to remember, like I said earlier, I'm in Los Angeles getting told no. If I was in Tallahassee, Florida, and they were like, no, you can't get on. Then, okay, bitch, you need to take that personal because it's what, you and in Bucky? But out here, you know, Joy is going up. You know, Whitney Cummings is going up. Alicia Cooper is going up. So bitch, get in line and put your big girl boots on and just wait your

turn but in the time in that be ready so when they do call you they're gonna be like that bitch funny one thing about you that i've fell in love with this day one is that every time i talk to you're up to something i'm trying man you don't ask yeah you just do you know i saw a flyer with you at the portland comedy festival i was so happy for you yeah you know um you know i see that you're in north carolina you do this a couple weeks ago somebody yelled white power what you're in palm harrow We talk on the phone. Chris, how is it going? Because as an older comic,

I can't help everybody. But there's the people that I see who are going out of their way for themselves, I got to give them the love they deserve. And I pray, man. When I see people going out of their way, you get it from me. I have to, man.

I'll give you my heart. Because I know I was where you were at. I know exactly what it is to, just make the rent and thank God you got a neighbor that feed you man I can't wait till I don't know that it's the first like a bitch start breaking out around the 27 28th I'd be like oh shit the first is come I can't wait till the day where I'm like oh shit it's the first oh rent do I didn't even know because now I you got to start preparing for that like oh shit it's coming and you know it's and the thing with me I went to college and was a school teacher for about six days

nope because see my mama was a school teacher and I had one the mama's debt she could give you a look like bitch play with me in these white people house if you want to i'm about to bust your ass one of them kind of moms and that's how teachers aren't now like they don't pay you no money and they expect you to raise people's children so i stopped doing that shit so the thing about it is i like i was comfortable but now deciding i'm choosing the struggle like i got a degree like i can go out there and work but i'm choosing to struggle because this is what i want to do what do you have a degree health and nutrition you know Prayer view.

The fucking craziest thing is how once you fall in love with comedy. You be mad, but you love it. Once you fall in love with comedy, I see it in people's eyes. I see the pain in your eyes that you want it. Because I had that same pain. Yeah. And when I was going, were you doing it eight years now? Nine.

Nine. When I was at the four year mark, I was going to a divorce. with a kid and I would have to drop that kid off and force myself to go do comedy because like I said nobody pulls up to an open mic on a Maserati Not at all

Nobody fucking pulls up with flowers and throws in that yet Barkin buy drinks and food Yeah You sign up and everybody looks at you You got three fucking heads And you gotta sit there and take it Like with this punishment

So I know what it was like I know the struggle I know to be here And finally I got a little window I got the comedy store, so at least I can negotiate from the comedy store. So ABC didn't like me.

Nobody liked me at the comedy store. All you need is one motherfucker to like. Montreal didn't like me. Nobody liked me, so I did what I do best. I took what I had. Instead of bitching about what I didn't have. Yeah. Instead of bitching about what you ain't got.

Well, I'm not getting spots at the line back. I'm not getting supposed to the improv. I'm getting mentored by the best there is in the business, plus the 10 motherfuckers that are hanging out there. I'm learning. I'm taking a little bit from each one. They don't even know it. I'm learning from each one,

whether it was Rogan or Dave Tyree or, you know, at that time, there was a lot of people hanging out at the store. Andrew or Eddie Griffin, I learned a ton from as crazy as he is. Paul Mooney with his Richard Pryor raping ass. You know, I learned from him, who I love dearly, which Paul Mooney. I learned from watching these guys. And then I got blessed to go on the road with Richard Jenny. Wow.

And Joe Rogan and, you know, Bobby Slayton. And I got to see different types. And I got to learn what things I wanted to do on the road. And what I didn't want to do. I went on the road with Stanhope. I went on the road with everybody. Carlos Mencier took me to El Paso. And you'd learned.

You'd learn from each one of them. You shut your fucking mouth. You take what they give you. They give you seven minutes. You know, in those days, those Spanish acts would take 20 comics on the row with them. Wow. Carlos had six or seven openers. And just until about two or three years ago, Fluffy had like five motherfuckers.

Really? You had to put up with five motherfuckers for ten minutes apiece before you went up because they were sharing. Okay. You know, they were at a point where they were making millions of dollars a year. And they could take four guys out, train them, you know, guys that were serious. Yeah. And we're a team. with team fucking whatever

with team Crystal I sell shirts you make sure Crystal's fine you make sure nobody fucks a Crystal you're the driver you're in charge of the fucking make a left on navigation

yeah you know everybody got a job you know and everybody eats I remember a time when I go on the road with Rogan with six of us three of us are going on stage

one of us be hanging out a bodyguard and a friend and Eddie Browell just to talk shit with him, play Jiu-Jitsu with. You know, but he was also on Fear Factor making six figures an episode. So his road money, he didn't give a fuck. He broke even.

Wow. But to have that, Rogan is successful today. Yes, 60% of it is his talent. But the other 40% came from his generosity and him giving you have to give back.

Yeah, you tell me that. You have to give back. You have to give back to the young comics and say, oh, hey, man, you had a good set. Oh, hey, that was good. You know, I'm never going to come up to you and go, hey, add this tag. Yeah. You tell you, I don't like looking at my own shit. Don't ask me to look at yours.

Yeah. Last night I was on, you know, last night I have a red sweatshirt. I have a red hooded sweatshirt. That's like size 5X. I got to tell you something. It's the most. comfortable thing in the world. That good cotton.

Okay. What I know, I don't have to go out. That's what you got. And my wife sees I put the red sweatsh on and she's like, oh-oh. He and put it in for the night. Yesterday, I was so fucking tired at 7 o'clock. I did the podcast with my daughter. I had to

fucking work out in the morning. I had to meet some guy and taking ear beating. You know. At last night at 7, my wife goes, how come you got your red sweatshirt? You better give me a reason. I just did not want to go to the comedy store last night. Wow. For about three minutes.

Yeah. And then the balls send that message directly to your brain. And it said, listen, you fucking piece of shit. Go do it, you got to do. You know, you were in prison. Who the fuck are you to make a decision about what you're going to do and what you're not going to do? Nobody asked for your fucking opinion. You're going to take a three shot of espresso.

you're going to take a fucking half of Xanax for your anxiety. You're going to wash your pussy. You're going to put that gray shit in your hair to kill the gray. And you're going to drive down to the store whether you fucking like it or not. Okay, do you think I wanted to go to the store last night? I didn't want to go to the store last night. I'm tired. I was hired from the night before.

I had pills running through my sister the night before and vicarans and fucking edibles. I was tired. Then I got up at 9 and went in kickbox with a bunch of kids and got beat up and shit. Yeah. Then I met this kid. Then I had to go to take an earbeat in Burbank, and I got stuck in traffic. And then I had to do pockets with my daughter with your ears just after that. She won't shut the fuck up.

So I love it a debt. But I did not feel like I had the red sweatshirt on her last night, which means Papa ain't going nowhere. I never even seen that sweatshirt. It's as Bruin football or Brewing Alumni. When you see that, I got these thin little sweatpants. Oh, you do it for the wife, yeah. I take my underwear off so the balls are loose

so I start getting some air I take the socks off and I got these little slippers and I just sit there scratching my ball, Spider-Man style when you take that nuts act and just scratch it this way

the whole thing and I'll sit there and switch hands and watch World News tonight smell my fingers and clean out your toes and that's what you do that little gorilla type shit the gorillas do

you scratch your assholes see if it smells this shit I was to that point and that's when you're boss go up and go i gotta do this nobody asked you for your fucking advice i think i even called myself a cunt like i was like nobody asked you for your advice you cunt if it was up to you you'd be in a fucking prison so go to you but it ain't up to you you see that little girl in the room that's who the boss is and the other boss is that fucking redhead in the room getting that shower wash your pussy and get you

your chest down there and do the spot. And I'm, when I got in that fucking car was like, boy, do I feel a lot better? Yeah, once you go, yeah. Once you're cut motherfuckers off on Laurel Canyon, you're like, I'm headed down there. I left my house, my spot was at 10.30. I left at like 5 to 10. That's how much procrastination I gave myself last night. I have the same problems.

Hey, bro, I bleed when I cut through. I'm no better than you and I'm no better than me. No better. I have doubts. I have insecurities. I have anxiety. You know, I have the same fear as you have. I'm just more experienced and I'm controlling them.

And that's what happens three years of comedy. And you're vocal about it. I know some people that are on your level that would never be honest and transparent about having anxiety or having doubts or procrastination. So for you to even just be that transparent that just shows, you know, like you said, that's part of being a man because everyone, they won't do that. Like I've had, trust me, especially as a woman, I've had. I've had men, and I can say this and be honest, that Kitsa attest to it. Like, you were so nice to me that first day.

I had to come home. I was like, oh, I'll never forget. I text Kita. I was like, I'm in parts of the comedy store that I didn't even know these secret compartments were part of. And I had to ask myself that night. I was like, man, I was like, when is the other shoe going to drop? Because I've had men to come in my life and be like, hey, I'm going to help.

But. When they take in the back room? Yeah. Yeah. What you're going to do, bitch? by the way. Yeah. So just for you to just be that transparent and then like you said and you told me flat out,

like I ain't got no money to give you, but I do believe in giving back and trying to help. And that's more, that's better than any type of advice that you can get from a legend. Because I think you're legendary. Like I like just to follow your work and for you to even just be taking the time, that's insane to me. That's insane. But most people, when they get to a certain level, like I had to do one time I was at a show and I was pacing. I was pacing and he was like, man, he was like, you're not cut out for this shit if you back here nervous. And I'm like, dude, but now I know that just means I want to do well.

That means I want to do well so badly that I'm sitting here like thinking, okay, but that was part of it for Wilmington last weekend. I was like, okay, bitch, you get in there because I landed at 718. The show started at 7. I landed at 718. I walked through the door with my luggage. Bitch didn't get the wash nothing off. Nothing. I had my carry on.

and they said, okay, we're going to give you five minutes. I got a glass of water right when I sat down. They were like, and you ready for your headline? I was like, damn, what happened to five minutes? But I went up there and I killed it. And I was just sitting there thinking, man, bitch, you all right. Because usually I got to have a kumbaya moment. I got to get in my head.

I got to like sit there and talk to myself. I got to go take a dump twice because my bubble guts is fucked up. But shit, I didn't have time. And I went straight to it. And it was one of my best shows. So it's just part of it. But a lot of times, you know, people that are experienced or when they get to a certain level they I feel like sometimes they lose the love of comedy because they don't want to do the

shit no more but they won't be open and honest and say man I I have those same doubts to hear that you know it was hard for you to go to the comedy store what like your joey did like man we all have doubts I feel that the day you don't get nervous before you go on stage quit because it ain't for you no more if you don't think I was nervous watching alley one last night and then Theo what up to hell and if you don't think I don't if I if I was man enough to tell you that fear didn't run through my heart for a minute I'm lying to you wow and say yeah they won't do that yeah we saw I was watching Nikki Glazer mm-hmm prepping for the the fucking roast yeah I see Nikki Glazer go up

she's done well sometimes she has a rough not really a rough set but she tries a lot of stuff because she's a writer she leveled the room so hard I was like I I hope I don't have to follow this bitch. I hope Joe Rogan's in the neighborhood. And then Joe Rogan went up and that motherfucker proceeded to destroy. And I'm sitting there going, I'm dead. I'm dead. I would never imagine that.

But you're dying. You're dying. Right now the light is on. Your insides are cracking. He's wrapping up and all of them. That's my time, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Now you got to get to it.

At that point when he says thank you, everything locks up. I can become a paraplegic right there if I have to. Everything should just lock up and I just go, yeah. But I don't. Yeah. I don't. I fucking get up. My pants are usually falling.

My ass crackers up. I pull up my pants real high and I just dodge to that fucking stage. Go get it. And as I'm walking to that stage, I'm dying inside. I'm like, bitch, I can just run out this fucking door and nobody would ever see me again. I'm good. I'm good. I'll get a job doing something else.

until he shakes my hand. And once I grab that microphone, and I go, keep it going for Crystal Power one more time. Now I'm there. Yeah. Now I'm there. Man, thanks, Joey. Yeah.

Man, thank you. Like, yeah. This is the truth. This is a, you're a hard worker. I admire you, and I know you got a future in this town. You know, I sat here and watched fucking Tiffany had his struggle. I sat here. I sat here and watched you get married.

I sat here and watched him. Utah Ontario. I sat here and you know I've been running with Tiffany Haddish since 2004, 2003. Look at Tiffany Haddish hosting how to be a fourth grader. Yeah. Or whatever the fuck was a little cute hair cut. Yeah. And her little beautiful dimple that she refuses to take off. Yeah. That little eye dimple I love it. She's the sexiest thing in the world. So I've seen it. I've seen it. Plus I've seen the people with ego that have come into this town. and they've pushed them up and whitened them all up

and he's going to be a star but they can't cover the spread and then you see a girl like Tiffany Haddish that was with an agency that were lost, kept telling that she wasn't ready, had a babysitting their kids,

you're not ready. She woke up one day, left him, went to another agency. And I said, she ready. And what happened? Yeah. So this is the real thing. reason why we stay here every day because the lottery ticket could be tomorrow.

But if you don't work for that lottery ticket, that lottery ticket's not going to taste that good. And it can be taken that easy. It can be taken from you that easy. When you work for it, that lottery ticket goes in your pocket. You walk over the Bank of America. You slip that motherfucker in the ATM machine like, ah. Yeah, it feels better. It hit harder.

You put the time in and you know that. The doubts I have are not because. Let me tell you what the doubts I have are. The doubts I have before I go on stage, and not that I'm going to bomb or be funny is that these motherfuckers don't want to hear from an old motherfucker like me. Look at me.

They don't want to talk to some of old people. This is all young. Like anything negative that could come into my mind will come into my mind. Look at your bummy ass Adidas shoes with your run DMC from the 80s. The other than I swear to God about a week ago. I was getting ready to go on stage

and something just made me look down. I saw my Adidas and I'm like, I'm 56 years old, still wearing run DMC, bum-ass sneakers. What the fuck is, I started an argument with myself right there in Missy's chair.

You're a loser. You got Lee jeans on. Everything to deter me. From going, yeah. That's us. Yeah. We get in our own fucking way. That's us.

That's, I picked out myself for having Adidas on the other. Who the fuck has a fight with themselves for having an adidas sign? I'm like, what the fuck? of my living. I got to go get these Brendan Sharp sneakers. All these dudes got these pink sneakers that look cool. I'm wearing

Adidas like fucking, I run DMC at 85. That was 30 years ago, Joe, get your shit together. Those are legends. You have a website? Yeah, it's Crystal Powell comedy and all my IG stuff. All my social media is Crystal P. Comedy.

But, man. Yeah, Crystal P. Comedy on all social media. I love you, man. I love you, Moxian. I love what you've done. You've never played the Grace caught on me, and you've never played the woman caught on me. I know that I got a big set of ball, but like I told Whitney Cummings, I bet if I threw my balls on the table, you go, hold on one second. Let me show you something.

That shit is, we got to be, though. Those little peanuts. Those little chick-fil-a-nuggets. I got real nuggets. Pistachios, yeah. That's what I admire. That's why you're sitting in that chair. I appreciate it.

So keep doing what your motherfucking doing. And I promise you. You're going to make me cry here, man. This motherfucker will come your way. This shit will come in. If you do the word, it might take 20, might take 15 years, might take 32 years. Yeah. I have a hashtag you can't lose if you don't quit.

Just, you know, and it's okay. And even if you quit, they can't beat you. Even if you quit, they can't beat you. That's the beautiful. Even if I quit, they can't beat me. That's my, even if I quit, they can't beat me. Even if I give up. They can't beat me.

So I ain't. I got nowhere to go. Yeah. This is it. I'm like Richard Gere and officer and the gentleman. I got nowhere else to go. And with that note,

don't forget, next motherfucking Friday night, Kansas City at the Uptown Theater. Then Saturday night, two shows that the first show sold out, and they added the second show at the Paramount Theater. And that's how we fucking do it, you cock-suckers.

But before I let you go, a word from our sponsors. Listen, there's two good games on tonight. Maybe one. maybe one night. Tonight's tonight. What good is picking games

if you can't fucking win no money. I'll tell you where to put your money down it. You ready? MyBooky.ag. NFL, baseball playoffs, UFC, whatever Chinese ping pong, my bookie has got it. They got parlays,

they got teaser bets, and if you're looking to bet a little and win a lot, my bookies got your back. They just revamped their sight, and it's looking tremendous. I encourage all of you to go, and take a look if you haven't already.

So what I'm going to do for you today is this, all right? Double your first motherfucking deposit by using promo code church. CHURC-C-8 to get a thousand, 100% bonus on your initial deposit up to $1,000. Visit MyBooky online today. That's My Booky, and don't forget to use promo code church when creating your account to claim your bonus.

Listen, my bookie, you bet you win. you get motherfucking paid. The church is also brought to you by Forhims.com. Let me ask you something. Is your hairline slowly starting to move backwards? Any ball spots yet? The best way to prevent more hair loss

is to do something about it while you still have some. It's time to get a handle on those precious locks. I ask you, do you want a ball spot to pop up on your hairline or receive? Do you want to do something about it first? Why do guys turn to weird solutions? or do nothing at all when they can turn to medicine and science. Forhimbs.com, a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. Let me tell you something.

No snake oil pills, no gas station counter supplements, prescription solutions backed by science. Hems was created by a guy who knows men's health easier online than in person. No more awkward in-person doctor visits. or long pharmacy line. Four Hibbs connects you with real doctors online, which can save you hours, completely confidential and discreet. You answer a few questions,

a doctor will review it, and if they determine what's right for you, they'll prescribe you a medication to treat the hair loss, and it's shipped directly to your door. Listen, Four Hems has been featured in GQ, Men's Health, SQ, and Playboy. Get the hair loss treatment Everybody's talking about

So I'm gonna hook you up right now Nice and easy Go to 4Hems right now For $5.00. You're like Joey, five fucking dollars. Five dollars? I'm gonna get you tuned up right now Why Supplies last. Go to a website for full details

And safety information. Listen, this treatment could cost you hundreds of dollars If you went to a doctor Or a pharmacy somewhere else Or you got to take a plane to Mexico. No! This is 4 Hims.

Go right now to 4Hymns.com slash Joey, and I'm going to give you the first month for $5. That's 4H-I-M-S-O-H-I-M-S dot com slash Joey. I told you guys in the beginning of the show, I love this product. I've loved it. I've tried it twice. Let me tell you something.

They sent me a little Cuban pork that would put hair on your chest. Kettlebell Kitchens, like I told you in the beginning, was started by two army vets. because eating healthy is on everybody's mind right now. What, when, and how much to eat, it's hard to know where to hell to start. Plus, meal planning and prep is time-consuming. You ain't got all day on Sunday to be cutting chicken breast and onions and carrots.

Enough. Kettlebell Kitchen will help you stay on your diet by taking out the hassle of shopping and cooking. These meals come right to you twice a week for optimal freshness. Freshness. Plus, you'll never get bored because they offer personalized menus. Whatever works for you. Vegetarian, keto, whole 30, paleo, they got it. You can even filter by your calorie protein, fat, and carb limits so you get exactly the right

foods for your unique needs. Nobody else does that. All the meals are free of dairy, soy, and artificial sweeteners and are made from ingredients that are naturally gluten-free. And unlike other meal boxes. You can order one meal at a time or sign up for a plan and you can change it up to any time. No long-term contracts. Like I told you, they sent me a Cuban roast pork. It was delicious. The bison beef burger slider is delicious. So what the hell are you waiting for? You've tried everything. This is the way to go. Feed the champion inside of you with kettlebell kitchen. Go to kettlebell kitchen.com. Enter code church, C-H-U-R-C-H for $25 off each of your first two orders for new customers. That's $25 off your first two orders at kettlebell kitchen.com, pressing code church.

I want to thank kettlebell kitchen. I want to thank forehams.com. I want to thank my bookie.orgie.org. But most importantly, I want to thank you fucking savages for having our back and support. That's like I said. Next week I'll be in Kansas City on the 11th. And then Saturday night, the first show sold out. And there's still a couple tickets up in the late show at the Paramount Theater in Denver.

Where are you at next week? Beautiful. I'm in Spokane, Washington. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Next Saturday night, I'm in Spokane. What's the name of the venue? I don't know.

It's a private event. It's not a, yeah. It's not on your website or anything. No, it's a private one. But, yeah, I'll be in Spokane next weekend. Crystal Powell was a pleasure. Thank you, Jerry, man. Thank you, man.

And you're always welcome. I appreciate you more than you know. I love you at that. Don't forget about this. I want to thank the Christkiller. I want to thank Crystal Powell. But again, you motherfuckers for always having my back. And don't forget to keep your eyes open on Ari,

Tom Segoor, Rogan, and fucking Sober October, the original Bert Kreisher. Make sure they're not stinking drinks and smoking joints. Me, I don't give a fuck about sober October. I'm leaving here to go do like 22 bongats. All right? Stay black. See you in Kansas City.

Kick this motherfucker, Mulee. We enjoy, you're the best. That's it, babe. You're the best. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I. A somebody who will swear to be true

as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn That misery loves company Wait and see I want to be around To see how he does it When he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if a puzzle fits

so fine and that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet as I sit there a plodden from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you