The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #725 - Money will Come; Fall in Love with Something First

Episode Date: October 7, 2019

Joey Diaz on why making money is not now and never has been the primary goal in his life.  This podcast is brought to you by:  MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church    

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Kick this motherfucker mulee. It's Monday the 7th of October. Hey, baby, hey, baby. Hey, baby, give the bumps over this fucking so. Are you fucking nuts or what? Monday morning. You got excuses? Same for the fucking preach before he fucked in the end.

The church of what's happening now. The Christ's killer. Uncle Joey. But funky ass shit like every single day. King Louis III is the guest tonight. I'll kick a little something for the jeez. And make a few wins and no wings through. Two in the morning and the party still jumping because my mama ain't home.

I got bitches in the living room getting it on and they ain't leaving till six in the morning. So what you want to do? What? I got a pocket full of ruffers and my home boys do too. So turn off the lights and close the door. What for what? We don't let him hold. Yeah.

So we don't smoke an ounce to this. It's a month a ounce to this. Jeeps up, holes down, why you motherfuckers bounce to this. Rolling down the street. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. Monday, the 7th of October. The month is fucking moot. Is it the 7th?

No. Yeah. Is it the fucking 7th? Holy shit. It's the 7th of October. I mean, it's this weekend. I'm in Kansas City. Uh-oh.

And then Denver on motherfucking Saturday night. That's how easy. We had a great week last week. to kick off a Sobark-Tob A little drama there But it's got nothing to do with us You understand me You know

When things like this happen People, whatever What you guys got to understand The basic thing you guys Understand is that we all love each other very much So nobody did anything Intentional, whatever Whatever

Anything is feeling Everybody's upset right now Hopefully in time We'll get over this and realize We're just fucking crazy comedian friends you know that's what we have a couple weeks ago when Andrew Schultz was on he mentioned a couple things that didn't bother me that just really made me want to think and talk to you guys about it because it's real fucking important that you get what the basis of all this that we're doing here

is you know whether it's podcasting whether it's stand-up comedy whether you're jennica jones and you're drawing pictures whether you're fucking uh you know babbling and you work in an office, you know, we each have different things. And we ended up, and we chose our lives. And here we are. But the weirdest thing that, like, if I could go back in time,

there's one thing I'd do, I'd beat the fuck out of my guidance counselor. Remember your guidance counselor? He gave you all the wrong information there was. I don't even know why they paid those motherfuckers. If they're still guidance counseling schools, you've got to be, like, certified by me. Like, you can't go.

telling people bad information. And the information he instilled in me, which is very easy to get sucked in by, is money. Anytime you would choose a career when you were young, people would say, well, it doesn't make any money. You're not going to do. You're going to be a cop, but 35,000,

he didn't get shot out by people and pay that for lunch. You know, we're such a society that's money-driven. when we're 16 to the age of 18 we can't wait to have fucking $3 so we could be that person with the yacht and the girls and the fucking bar and the fucking people hanging around you and the cars and the limos. That's what you really think. That's your basic belief. Like I can't wait. My life will be so much simpler when I get to that point. We always think of that point, but we never think about.

we're going to get that especially from the ages of like 18 to 26 you think you're just going to bump into it on the street like it's just going to somebody's going to see you we all have different fantasies you know like for me it was like uh starting like a drug network and making six million every six weeks like i couldn't even fucking control myself how can you make six million fucking dollars i couldn't even do little things how can you make six million fucking dollars you know but i still remember being 20 4 years old and one day I saw a picture of a

Ferroza test what is it Ferrari Ferrari Testaroza whatever the fuck those cars are and I remember hanging hanging on my wall and I lived with a girl and three other guys at the time two other guys it was a four

of us and one of the guys came in my room were talking about something and he saw the picture on my wall and he goes is that your face favorite car and I told him no I gave him some bullshit spiel you know when you're 27 23 whatever the fuck I was I gave him some bullshit spiel that was gonna be my fucking car in three years you know and I remember him looking at me like he was like maybe two years

older to me but he was going he had gotten his college degree he was a very smart white guy very open you know he drank he smoked dope but he was in a opinion in his life. Like I was watching, here I was with no college education making decent money at the time, working in a car dealership. And here he was like, you know, he had this tremendous fucking degree,

but he couldn't get a job. He would be up early in the morning and he was trying to, I'll never forget this, it's really weird. He was trying to, he would go to a thing called Toastmasters. Yeah, they still have it. So he would wake up like at 7 in the morning and go to Toastmasters to overcome his fear of speaking in public.

And I remember that I'd be getting up and I'd be eating breakfast and he'd just be getting back from the fucking meeting. And I'd ask him where the hell have you been? And he was like, I was at Toastmasters. And I go, what's Toastmasters? And he goes, it's like a group of men or women or whatever the fuck to get together and we talk. And I go, so you go to a place to pay. practice public speaking. I didn't know that people had fear of public speaking

or whatever the fuck it was. I was used to public speaking every fucking day of my life at the deli or at the bar or on the corner or on the basketball court. At one point of the day, you know, where I was from, you had to fucking take control and talk some shit. If not, they think you're fucking retarded. So I didn't understand.

Yeah, you have to say something in my neighbor. If not, they thought you were fucking retarded. Like you were fucking retarded. You don't say nothing. So you had a, you know, to me when he said Toastmasters, I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Let me go down. I'll straighten those motherfuckers.

Right. I'll give him a speech of a lifetime. And comedy was not even on my fucking radar then. But here I went from being this fucking pathetic loser to just being a regular loser. And I'm selling cars and I'm snorting coke. and I had a semi-regular life at the time, but I really wasn't going anywhere. And I kept thinking, yeah, if I do this and if I do that, because I wasn't like, I was just like you guys, the work that was going to be involved to put in to become a millionaire,

or a multimillionaire, whatever the fuck, I was thinking I was going to be one of those guys with a yacht, the work was just too much. Like, if they thought I was going to do, if I really thought I was going to do it by working, like that wasn't going to happen. Like I was making anywhere from 7 to 10 grand a month selling cars. In 87, that was a lot of money. That's a lot of fucking money.

And I remember that I used to be furious about the taxes. Oh, yeah, that's a big killer. I was furious about the taxes. And that was a job where they gave you a lot of cash bonuses. And that makes it worse. When somebody gives you cash like $800, $900 a month in cash and bonuses, I would fucking cry like a motherfucker. It's in a new tax bracket.

You make less money. Yes. So I did not understand the whole thing of money. But like I'm telling you guys, I was very confused. I was just going to bump into it. And a lot of us do. We think, well, we're going to bump into it. And then our lives are going to be fucking.

so completely different. I can't tell you how many times I was laying brick. I can't tell you how many times I was waiting for a fucking bus or waiting for a subway in New York City going to a fucking bartending job to make $12.50 an hour plus tips. I can't tell you how many fucking times I was like, you know, carrying fucking 4x12. This is the dog. Remember 4x8 sheetrock? I remember years ago when I had a car.

four by 12 sheet rock up four flight stairs in fucking Hoboken, New Jersey when they were redoing Hoboken in the early 80s. Like, I did it all. But what always made me think that this was coming to an end was that I was going to become rich. And then everything was going to fucking be hunky-dory. Like, I thought that when you saw somebody that had money right away, it associated fucking this,

this big bulge of happiness. Like in my mind, if I had money, I wouldn't do blow anymore. I would be out every night. I could eat out every day, how I wanted to live my life. I didn't have no idea. I had no balance, no nothing. I got locked up. When I got locked up, it gave me a chance to clean up from the Coke.

And I saw people that didn't have money behind me. bars trying to act like they had money and that's when it finally started hitting me like that money fucks with people like I never knew until the age of when it was too late 25 like when I first saw it how you know listen a couple weeks ago Felicity Huffman got I don't know three days in jail I don't know what she got it's like a month or something like a month in jail and somebody posted a picture a black woman next to her that said she got five years for giving a fake address, okay? You know, the way the law works, especially today, you know, I was involved in all that shit 30 years ago, so I don't know what's going on today, but I could tell you it didn't get

any better, and it was all about money, you know, Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Weinstein, listen, you get in trouble, the more money you have, the more you could allude a lot of this shit that people with a public defender don't have. There's people sitting in a fucking jail right now in America, across our country that have a sentence that if they would have had

$7,000, the sentence would have been half. Because somebody would have spoken for them, somebody would have fought for him. When I'm a public defender, if you know anything about fucking attorneys, a public defendant just doesn't have one client. He has 80 clients.

And he's a new attorney. And he's trying to make his bones in the world to branch out into his own fucking office or partnership or whatever. So he becomes friendly with the DAs and in the county or the state where he practices. And it's just like an agreement. Like I heard years ago, years ago, way before the computer, I heard a cassette playing of somebody. taping a judge's chamber in New York City. I had nothing to do with crime then. I was a criminal, but I was not in the system then.

But I heard a tape recording once, maybe on WPIX, about them negotiating a guy's deal. So when the public defender goes into C. Lee, he just doesn't have Joey Dias on his docket. He's got nine guys that he's going to see Lee. about. So he walks in there and it's pretty soon like, hey, what

are we going to do about Diaz? Kidnapping 2. Give him a mandate of whatever 4 to 6 years put a cap on it. And they just run through them the way you and I run through a laundry list. Yeah, it's like any other job. It's like any other job that please. You know what I'm saying?

And then if you go to trial, this guy has got 80 fucking clients. How prepared is he going to be for that trial? So, you know, when you watch the OJ trial, or you watch any big trial, they I got four or five fucking attorneys on retainer there. But that's not the case or whatever. I learned what money did for you inside.

And listen, when I got arrested, I had no money. You want me to tell you I had money in the bank and piles of money laying around the house? I had fucking zero. Jesus. I had zero. I had maybe. I had been working.

I was 25 years old, and I had maybe $32 in the bank. And you're making like, what, 80 grand a year? Something like that? Wow. 80 grand a year with zero in the fuck. Listen, I always made money. I always made money.

Just waking up. I'm one of those people that leave. Let's get an apartment. What's the rent? 15. We split 750 apiece. What's the cable? 150 plus the TV.

I'll just make a figure up. And I know if I keep the figure under 3,000, I don't need a job. 3,000? I can make $3,000. When I was a kid, I could make $3,000 walking around in a month. All right. Well, how much of that was legal? Maybe half of it.

Okay. You know, I was the type of guy. Lee had a moving job for three days at 200 a day. Boom, that's 600. Yeah. This guy's got an ounce of Coke to sell. Boom, that's 400. This guy's got needs two shifts.

Somebody to carry meat for two nights. This guy needs two nights. This guy needs two nights of loading trucks This guy needs a pound of weed Carried from Jersey to New York And he don't have the ball to do it It'll give you 500 cash I could walk around and make $3,000 a month

I did it all my life Jesus, okay I did it just breathing Just breathing You think of the money I spent on blow Just the last Seven years from 2000 to 2007 I was getting

$125 a set then what money was I making? I was still making $15 at the comedy store. If I did the improv or anything else, they'd give me anywhere from a buck 25 to 175. I was still putting $2,000 a month in my nose. Jesus. My monthly Coke bill and drug bill weed had to be,

you figure 60 a night times four, that's $2.40. That's $2.4. That's $1,000 a month. That's just if I did a gram a night, four nights. Most nights I pop two grams. Some weeks I snorted five nights instead of four nights. Well, I always averaged four nights plus the $2.80 bags of weed I bought a fucking week. So I think we're skipping a little bit because you said you, when you were younger, money was really important.

That sounds like at this point money you didn't even care about. No. But that's not the point I'm getting to. Okay, I'm sorry. When I was just trying to make a point here. You can make money. When I was your age, I can make five just waking up. Got it.

Okay. Eating breakfast out, no groceries at the house, eating three meals out. I didn't drink. Right. You follow me? So I went without in most areas where people go with, and that's how they blow their money. I didn't buy underwear.

I just wore jeans. It was straight cock. I bought socks. I bought, you know, I took care of all that stuff. I didn't go on vacations. I didn't go to concerts. I didn't do any of that money. My money was for house bills, eating, and snort.

That was my money. Dating women, whatever the fuck you did. All right. And when I came out of prison, I immediately got a job selling cars. And I went back to making money. I sold Mitsubishi's and I went back to making between

5 and 8 at this place okay after taxes and the whole thing it doesn't bang out to a lot of money you know plus in the sudden but did your when you started making more money

would you snort more? Oh absolutely yeah okay the more you fucking make the more in my my raising was the more you fucking made the more you spent and your nose, your friends,

more eating, nah, we'll make more tomorrow. There was always tomorrow. There was always fucking tomorrow. There was always tomorrow. And every job and every move that I made had to be around money. Okay. I was a slave to money like 90% of Americans are.

Oh, it's huge for me. Now it's getting less, but it was huge for me. But you also have to remember when you're 21 and you're in that middle range, you attribute everything to not having money. Wait till I have money. Then I'll have a girlfriend. Wait till I have money.

Then I'll be happy. Wait till I have money. I don't have my shit together. And that's what I want to discuss. How wrong that attitude is to have. Everybody saw it that once, boom. You think because you win the fucking lottery, $52 million, that the next day,

every day is sun. The next day is sunshine. The world, the universe, karma just doesn't give it to you like that. You got to lose something along the way. You got to sacrifice something along the way. That's why it was so hard, you know, it was so hard for me to get on stage because the thought of not making money. cringed me it's part of the reason why I took me so long ago it cringed me the idea of starting something right now if I went to one of you guys

I know my buddy Matt Holmeyer up in fucking Milwaukee you know he works with I don't know what the fuck he does I could see he works hard or whatever if you're working you know you're learning a trade whatever

when you come to me right Let's say I, okay, let's say I do brick. Okay, let's say I do brick work. I do residential brickwork and a little bit of commercial, very lightly. Okay. Like just maybe two stories of 12 inch block. That's it. Maybe one row of scaffolding.

Like, I'm one of those guys, you know, like, that's it. And I have, my crew is me and two other masons and three laborers. okay and we work a full summer and the one kid has to leave I got one kid that's a dutz he just wants to shovel make fucking cement and make sure we're all happy all day making sure the cement is moist making sure we have bricks making sure we have more da more da mortar you know like making sure their job is done when you're a haughty that's what you do you you have three brick layers and you have to be one step

ahead of them. And that's the entry level. The entry level and you're putting in 16 scoops of sand into a cement mixer or eight, I don't know, the bag of whatever and you're putting hose water in there and then you dump it into the thing and you mix it up really good

and then you put it into wheel barrels and you give it to them in buckets or they have like a thing, a piece of wood you lay it out. Let's pretend you come to me. I'm watching you. Every day I'm watching you, you're talking to the last guy on the line. The boo's a guy, that's a great. You're talking to him. And every once in a while, I see that he has you measuring, putting a level on the wall, and he shows you something. Every once in a while, he goes, come here. And he makes you pick up the spatula and put it on. I'll

pull you aside one day after work. And I go, listen, here's the deal. I can see you have a mild interest in this fucking game we're doing here. What am I paying you? 12.50 an hour. I'll tell you what I'll do. I give you 15. I won't hire another guy. You're going to do both those jobs. But when your job

is done, you're going to come next to me and lay brick. So you're going to be a hottie. You're going to be a hottie. And you're going to learn how to lay brick. Got it.

And you're going to join the union and at night you're going to go to a vocational school where they do it again. Like in the old days, I don't know about today, don't yell at me. In the old days, if you joined the laborers union, and then you joined the bricklayers union, they had an apprenticeship program. You had to have a certain high school diploma. You had to have certain grades in high school, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. When you start there, the union, and you're a union whatever, and you're in between, it's the same thing. You're assigned to three masons.

Once the masons are taken care of, and all the paperwork's picked up, and all the fucking bricks for tomorrow are put in those situations over there, because tomorrow they're going to be moving over there. So that's probably 3.30 in the afternoon. So till the sun comes down, you're going to go over and lay brick with this guy. and every day you're going to get more and more duties. And someday Nuncio doesn't come in. And guess who's going to lay brick that day for Nunzio? You.

And you're going to also make mortar. And you're also going to make the coffee run. And you're also going to get me a newspaper. You know, we're gentlemen here. You're not a slave. We're paying you. That's what you did. But I'm also charging $30 an hour for you.

Oh, okay. Okay. So anybody who knows labor, When I pay you $10 an hour, I got to pay that other thing $10 an hour. I forget what it is. Unemployment. Whatever. So you're not really worth $10 an hour to me.

You're really worth $20 an hour to me. So that's when you're being looked at by an employer, after everything, workman's common, everything, it's double that. Right. Okay. Now, what I'm going to do is I'm going to bill you out as a hard carrier. So I'm going to bill you out at three days with three hard carriers When I do my estimation at $55 a day or $65.

I don't know what they get. Don't fucking quote me on this shit. But you're still going to get your $15 for three years. I don't feel bad because you're getting an education. And even though you're still running around with other hotties And they're telling you how they're walking with 27 an hour in the union, You're going to go, fuck, where's my money? And then one day, boom, there you are.

You're a hot carry. Now you're getting your 26, 28, and your fucking overtime and your benefits and all that stuff. That's if you're union. I'm saying if I'm just a mom and pop operation, it works the same way. But somewhere or another, you're going to give up stuff. Some days I'm going to go, Lee, guess who's working Saturday? You are. And guess who's running the show?

you are and you're going to go on usually a guy that runs the show gets $35 now not today I'm the one that wiped your ass three years ago so

until that time until you're really really ready to do this whole wall by yourself can you do this whole ball by yourself no not yet okay then shut your fucking trap and that's the same thing with comedy like I started dicking around with comedy in like 89, December of 89,

and I didn't get on stage until July or June of 80, of 91. That procrastination, I could lie to you guys, it was fear. But the other procrastination was, if I get into this, how am I going to feed myself? You know, I had that opportunity about the hot carrier. Right. I had it. That's why I know how it worked.

Well, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think comedy is a little different in that you don't have, at least with the hottie, you're making minimum wage 10, whatever you're making. At least where I am, I'm almost two years in. If I get $50, it's huge. That's a party. If I, like that's up. You shouldn't even get a dollar to you're in it for four years. Right, but that's not a dollar. So it's always even less.

So it's, like, I was fortunate. My first year in comedy, I was picking up $50 every Tuesday. Wow. I made $2,400 a year, my first year in comedy for two years. I had a certain gig that paid me $50 a week. And you people are like, Joey, $2,400 a year, really? Yeah, yeah. And guess what?

I was fucking proud of every $24,000. I was proud of every one of those dollar bills. Every one of them. I would take them home on a fucking window. Well, that money never made it home. But I would look at those $50 in an envelope every Tuesday and go, I can't believe they're paying me because people at my level don't get a dime for five or four years.

Right. Like my second gig, they basically gave me a $5 bill. That's crazy. For gas. And the gas, it was a fucking two-hour drive. What $5? What $5? $5 don't cover who got to you.

Yeah. But that's what it. it was. So it was really weird. When I got into comedy, before I even entered comedy, I had to do something, and for six months changed how I was thinking. I had to change my thought process completely. I had to change my thought process. If I'm not wrong, I remember writing it out that I'm not going to make any money for 10 years. Now, after writing it out, I have to writing it The reason why it didn't scare me that much was because I had confidence

in what I was doing in the daytime on the streets, whether it was bringing back coffee machines. At that time, I was fucking, I was a tile. I laid tile with a guy. Basically, I corked tile. He would fucking lay the tile, and I would get in there with knee pads on and fucking fill it all in.

I forget what it's called, and then fucking wash it down, and I would break my bed. back for fucking, I think he paid me $75 a day cash. He was a cheap fuck. I broke my fucking ass for that. I also realized when I got into common, I couldn't be doing my drug activity. And if I did do a drug activity,

I had to keep it to a minimum because if you're an open micer or you're in a feature act, and for some reason you got arrested and it gets out, it's going to be a rough. fucking season for you for a couple of years that's a three-year

setback because you can't be trusted just it's just a blemish you you're starting out and already you're ending up in fucking jail or getting in trouble right I don't want them in my club yeah especially we're at I don't want him in my fucking club I don't want him in my fucking club

he's already getting in trouble he got trouble for drugs not worth it he's not even a draw yeah he's not even nothing why would I want my drunk club you know the first time you do something on a triple run they just can't see you triple wouldn't even tolerate that shit you know he would play with you a little bit he understood alcoholism and comedy and all that stuff but they don't even play with you so i knew right then when i got into comedy that my criminal activity had occurred and here i am in the height i'm Fuck guys I'm doing comedy four years and I'm feeling it I am feeling it for the first time

My life what am I feeling I'm feeling that maybe Just maybe I could start going on the road and playing clubs But that's the point of my career I was that I already done 20 weeks of triple work But I was feeling so fucking good like I'm like you know what I I'm ready for a club now. Whatever they throw at me. MC feature, I'm ready.

I'm ready. I was calling clubs up trying to get MC work. I remember borrowing money and a kid gave me fucking rent of the car for me for me to drive to 16 hours and showcase. In those days, you had to drive and showcase and put yourself up. I got down there and somebody was from Jersey and somebody was from the Bronx and one thing led to another. Next thing you know, I was sleeping on the couch.

who that saved me $40 or a nap in the car and 22 chiro practice you know they made breakfast that saved me money you know then the guy said why don't you stay again tonight and do some guest spots tonight and I stayed again the guy who you could stay at my place again you know again the universe always takes care of you but you have to make the first step towards that universe you know I was telling my uh there's a this is an embarrassing story this is just a story that I should tell you guys because this is something that happened there's a one of my daughters teachers when mercy was just in pre-k whatever fuck my wife and her became tight my wife and her and another teacher became tight my wife is still in very good standing at that preschool they go out

at some nights the mothers go out they go to fucking that bar around the corner and they talk or whatever, but this particular teacher lives by herself, you know, she is a hustler. I mean, she's a fucking nonstop. She walks dogs. She takes care of kids. She'll pick your kid up and drive them to school for the extra small 20. You know, it never ends with her. She's a hustler.

And she likes my wife's cooking. So there's certain nights that if my wife cooks something, I'll say, hey, text her, tell her to come over. And we got the Dodger game on. She's a big time fucking Dodger fan. And I got to tell you something, guys. When she comes over, I love it. Because it keeps my wife out of my ear. It keeps my wife entertained, which my wife needs.

Because all day long, she's talking to a child, or she's talking to mommy, mommy, mommy. Or she's talking to me. You know what I'm saying? So after a while, you need to talk to other fucking adults. About whatever. I don't care what they talk about. When she's there, this lady is usually in the kids.

kitchen standing with my wife and me and my daughter watching TV until I get ready to go to the comedy store. There's some nights while I'm in the comedy store my wife will call and say, hey, miss whatever staying over tonight so I don't sweat the small stuff. She's leaving at six. I go in my office and not I smoked dope. It's like she's not even there. She probably spends two nights a week at the house. Really? I don't know them. Two nights a week she comes over, eats. Some night she comes over, eats, leaves, goes to a Dodger game, and then since she lives. She lives like up the fuck the 101 she just crashes at the house takes a shower in the morning brings clothes and goes right to school over here i don't even see it by the time i get up she's gone

the room is clean she makes the bed very self-sufficient the point of the story was when i was fucking broken shit this is a weird story when i was broke as fuck i was living in bold i was give it all my money. It went 50-50 those days. Half of it went to the attorney, and half it went up my fucking nose, and the other half went to Chinese food. I was swimming at the Y.

I was lifting weights in my apartment. I didn't have cable. I just had, I don't know if I had, I think I stole cable from the landlord. I had the cable. I stole the wire to the TV, and I connected it to my TV. I was a fucking mess.

But there was a kid I worked with. I worked for a sports betting service. And my first year I wasn't very good, you know. It wasn't that I was very good. It was I was snort so much coke that it had blocked. When you snort so much coke, it blocks the communication from your brain to your heart to your words. That's why if I did coke the night before, I had a big show. I always ate a bag of dick.

I always felt like I was up on stage with no control. I was just saying the words. So it's weird. I was a good salesman, but I was in such bad shape psychologically. The divorce, you know, the kid, I wanted to do stand-up comedy. Here I am, calling people, tormenting them for their credit cards and shit. You know, it just wasn't a fucking fun place for me. But I would go home at night, and I would go to my little apartment,

and I would take a shower and go do comedy, you know. Some nights, even if I didn't have a spot, I'd still go to a spot, because I'm looking for a spot and somebody would go, hey, guess what? Timmy Jones has a room two miles from here. It's a shitty pizza place. But just by me showing up there,

I got to do a spot somewhere else and the guy gave me a pizza, and he gave me a pizza to go home, so fuck it, what turned, you know, that's what you do. But there were nights, man, when they would just catch up to me. The whole week would catch up to me.

And I was young and virile, and I was, you know, I slept three, four hours a night. And there was a guy over there, his name was Sammy. I used to call him Sammy Funky Cole Medina. Sammy was maybe my age at the time. We were both in our early 30s. Yeah, yeah. But Sammy had hooked up with a 50-year-old Chinese woman.

That was one of the most nicest people you ever met in your life. Her family owned a couple Chinese restaurants in Boston. Wow. This is how big time she. she was they met in Connecticut and they dated for a couple of years and they moved out to Boulder to try to do whatever the fuck they were doing I used to call her white powder ma because she was Chinese and I used to call him Sammy Funky Comedina and when I was at my darkest guys I mean when you're doing comedy and you're not making progress I was making

progress but I wasn't I wasn't up to the progress where I wanted to be you know like I was making progress and I didn't know it just me going out every night and writing and dedicate myself to it and you know missing out on parties and always doing comedy first by 94 I had already made a certain discipline for myself that this is what it's going to be there's no weddings there's no nothing this is it if you want to do after I saw like Osamo I was done that's this is how it's done there's no other way if you want to do comedy but there were nights man that there was really nothing going on like on the weekends i could do a guest spot at mckell v's or uh fucking wits end or the other club in those days

the comedy works wouldn't give you guest spots and i wasn't a regular so my sunday through thursday i was busy as fuck comedy-wise but friday and saturday i would have a dick and this fucking dude would call me up i lived maybe 50 yards from his house. I would go up to his house. I would go upstairs. His wife would cook something for me, Chinese, Sichuan beef, shredded pork, twice-cooked pork, make it out of a house and a walk restaurant style. She used to make egg rolls. She used to make spare ribs. And I would go over there eat like a lunatic. And then they would ask me to stay and watch a movie with them. And my choice every night was that stupid movie with Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans

when he's a football player and Bruce Willis is a detective and Eddie Griffin was in the movie Eddie Griffin was the DJ in that movie and I must have watched that movie a hundred fucking times I would watch it over and over and over and this is how nice these people were

The last Boy Scout the last Boy Scout this is how nice these people water to me if I was watching something on that TV they would say Joey we're going to bed the refrigerator is yours if you need to call anybody the phone is yours well the remote is yours stay here I did that like maybe 20 times and then they started telling me dog just spend the night when you wake up she'll make your breakfast you go home you take a shower we'll drive to work together and that's what started happening And it was like I would stop and try to get groceries for them.

They took it, but they didn't like it. They knew the situation I was in. They just took care of me. They just took care of me. If I had a show somewhere that was dirty miles or farther, they would drive me. Wow, I didn't know that. They would drive me. And pick me up and take me back.

And he wasn't a comic. He just worked. No, he was the farthest thing from a fucking comedian that was. But he just took care of me. just out of the kindness of his heart I'll never ever ever forget that we stayed in touch for a couple years we stayed in touch for a while

and then we lost contact and then he got my email somewhere or another and we connected while I was shooting the longest yard not after it came out while I was shooting it we connected I told him I sent him the pictures you know and he was really happy for me and shit

him and the Chinese chick broke up she went back to Boston the father died and left the 10 million so there was no use of being with him anymore and he was doing and we got along until about 2006 and then he made a bad call he called me up asking me to hook him up

with Adam Sandler and Joe Rogan and I said I couldn't do that because that's the reason why I'm friends with him because I never break that trust and he took it the wrong way and never called me again and that's what happened But the moral for that story was that now I get to do this for the school teacher That's a young girl. That's great. She's great to me. She knows I get high. She giggles on my mind

You know, it's so weird how life repeats itself. It's so weird how You know, I was having a rough Listen, there's a couple reasons why I'm having a rough fucking weak psychologically. You know for starters this November 8th is going to be my mother's 40th death anniversary and Tuesday, which will be the 8th tomorrow, the idea I was thinking about that was it. That was right now 40 years ago.

That was her last month. And she didn't know she was going to die, you know? And I'm trying to know. And I didn't know. And I'm trying to think, if anything. And then Thursday night, I was sitting there with mercy and I go, my wife had like a PTA thing. Right.

So I go, Terry, if you want, I'll drop you off at the school. I'm going to take mercy for frozen yoga. Terry's like, at 7 o'clock at night. What's wrong with you? I don't give a fuck. She needs to go out of dark anyway. So I took her up. We went to this frozen yogurt place and we're sitting there, guys.

And she asked me a question about her being a baby and her crib. And I go, why are you asking about this now? And she goes, because I kind of remember her. And I go, yeah, yeah. You're absolutely right. I go, it was an awesome. I go, you know who gave you that crib, mercy? Ralphie Mae gave me that fucking crib.

Your uncle Ralphie, he's dead. He's in heaven now. He's with the angels. And all of a sudden, three kids and a man walked out of the fucking store. And all of a sudden, I saw the three kids stop and say something to the man. and the man turned around opened the door, walked in, and it was Matt O.G. Number

one. No way. The guy that Ralphie and me used to buy the weed from, well, Ralphie and me, Ralphie used to buy the weed from the Mad OG number one. I've heard you talk about it. The best fucking weed I ever smoked. He came in, he gave me a hug, and he shook my hand, and we talked a little bit.

And he goes, you know, I still think about you and Ralphie. He goes, I got into the vapor business listen to the CBT business because I still grow Matt's number one. Oh, and he goes, I'll give you a call next week and we could meet here or something like that. I'll give you a little bag I got left that I just grew. And as he walked out, he goes, it's weird.

Ralphie's going to be gone two years and it was yesterday. I was just going to say it's so quiet. Couldn't believe it was two years. Fucking two years. So this week was just a long. He told me all like just that was Ralphie sending me a message like that was Ralphie just that That's the kind of those are the kinds of signs I get from spirits they send me a message He sent you weed he sends me fucking weed yeah night I'm fucking sitting here I went to the comedy store

Did you notice I was here the night? Wouldn't you had a hynickens? Yeah yeah no no no not I had the hyniquin okay I came by the night after the comedy store and I'm sitting in this fucking chair the door's wide open I came over here to roll a fucking bone or do something. I came over here just to get out. And I came over here and I sat right there. And all of a sudden, I said to myself, wouldn't it be funny if the fruit guy,

because it was about 11.30. And sure enough, two minutes later, pang a papaya, ping a papaya. And I go, fucking Ralphie lives. This is just last week. So I thought his death anniversary was the 17th. That's how confused I am. That's how fucking fuck the.

up I am. But anyway, my heart goes out to the May family and I said a little prayer for yesterday with a candle. I'll cut a chicken heads off one day this week. Jesus. I got to cut a chicken. He gives some fucking blood into it. But back to the money thing. It was so weird for me to say, okay, I'm going to give this comedy shit a try. But I made myself a decision. I said, I'm not going to quit. But before I get involved, I'm not going to make money for 10 years. So you already knew that it was a 10-year process?

I had already in 1993 when I went for it. Because up to 93, I was driving a limo. I was doing everything I could and not putting enough effort into comedy. You know what I'm saying? Like I just, the effort really wasn't there. I was showing up, but I was showing, you know, it's like I think of people that go to work every day from 9 to 5 and then go to a spin class at 7.

I fucking applaud you. I fucking applaud you. I do four things in the day. I can't man. And every night I go, I'm going to go to kickboxing at 6. And it's 20 to 6 and I'm like, that's not like I'll make kickboxing. I'll make kickboxing every day at 9 a.m.

At night, I can't do shit. Just do fucking comedy. So when I got into the comedy, I swear to you guys. in 1993, November 93, when I moved back, October of 93, when I moved back to Colorado, I said, I'm dedicating my life to comedy. I do coke. I'm with women.

I'm fucking nuts. And you know what? I'm still not happy. So even if you threw a bunch of money at, I lost my daughter. I fucking lost my mother. I went to prison. I had a point where I had nothing fucking going on.

And I said, well, this is the best time to get in the fucking comedy. Like we said the other day, nobody shows to an open mic in a Lamborghini. You know, and when I got into comedy, I never let that get in my way. I could be honest with you all the way. you guys a story about that lady that I used to do free sets and people used to tell me why do you do free sets she should at least give you 20 bucks I don't want her fucking money and I'm gonna show her that I'm better than she is and in the end she's dead and I'm still here rocking and rolling so what are you fucking trying to tell me here the gift of any art the gift of your life guys

the biggest thing you could overcome right now I know you you got a lot on your plane. I know you're going, Joey, you're coming from a weird place. No, I'm not coming from a weird place. I slept in plenty of corners. I slept on plenty of park benches. I slept on fucking couches. I slept on floors. Don't tell me I didn't fucking do this shit. Yes, let's be honest. Let's put it on the table. It was my fault partially because of my ghost and my little things, but I did sacrifice a fucking lot. And I'm telling you one thing. I didn't think of money. until I hit the Taco Bell commercial. What year was that?

98. Oh, so it didn't take 10 years. But that wasn't comedy, I guess, so. It wasn't comedy. Right. No, it wasn't comedy. So, and I know you had the Coke issue and you had your daughter, so there were some things that you didn't have a perfect life,

but in those five years, were you happier? Like, were you? Fuck. Let me tell you something. Here I am. And just a lot of you guys are young. You don't know before Nissan, it was Dotson, bitch. In 1996, let me tell you what, 95.

I had a Dotson B-210. I think it was a four-speed, a five-speed with a clutch. And four doors. I was doing comedy seven nights a week. I live for today. I had zero responsibility. Zero responsibility. You know what my responsibility was?

Getting work the next week. And I already had 20 feelers out. One of them was going to come through. Even if it was a Friday or Saturday. You know, I still remember going up to do something for Tribble and like the Dakoters. And being all the way up there, looking at the map. There was no fucking. thing looking at the map and saying fuck I got to go through like four states to go home that's what I learned

about doing comedy in the way back and I called this couple and there was dean and Dana McGraw I heard about them they had a company called something entertainment and one of the few times I you know you know like right now the biggest complaint is I can't make a good tape or good luck You're never going to make a good tape if you know you're getting taped. Right, yeah. So one night I went somewhere when I got off, some guy said, hey, man, I had my camera rolling. Do you want the footage?

And it was like one of those nights I did like 20 minutes and 14 of it were good. It was a bar and you could hear it and you could see it. And I sent it to them. And they called me back. They sent me a letter saying you could call headline. And I'm like, oh boy, these people are really. I really don't know what they're doing. I got like fucking 20 minutes and they're co-headlining me.

I didn't have 20 minutes. This is a lie. I didn't have 20 minutes. 20 minutes was a stretch because I was at a bar show. Right, yeah. This was like six minutes that I looked out on. And I sent them to the table and I'll never forget just saying, let me give them a shot. And giving them a call and them going, we got a gig, but it's Wednesday and Thursday.

And they're like, where are you? And I told what Dakota, whatever the fuck Dakota was. And those days, Tribble would pay you 50 bucks. You would pick up 50 bucks, Gene. He would send you a balance of a check for 50 in the mail, which you would get three weeks after you got home. And you were featuring? You were featuring.

Okay, wow. 50 bucks. So, whatever. I'd say I did four nights for him. I had 200 minus the gas in the subway sandwiches. I was eating the veggie and cheese. And I'll never forget saying, I'm in whatever. And she goes, well,

We have a condo and such and such. If you could make it to there, you could stay there for free until Wednesday night. Then they'll put you up in a hotel. Whoa. But it was so hard to understand, to go from loving money to loving something else, where the money doesn't matter.

There's a part in your life where a lot of you people are listening to this show, going show you. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yes, you do. One day you're going to come to the point in your life where you're going to go, I don't know what all this fuss was about. I feel the same whether I get a bonus or I don't get a bonus. I feel the same whether, you know, I'm broke or, you know, when I grew up, I grew up with an air conditioning in my room, carpeting, a cable TV in my room, every type of fucking soda. You know, I went to basketball camps. My motherfucking threw me money plus I hustled and I went from having all that to living uh sharing a bedroom with a guy on a piece of a floor we just threw beds on it we were six inches apart the

tv was stolen and we put album covers up around the room so you would think we had art in the fucking room so I know what it is to be living like a doctor to be living like a fucking mook and a half hearing mice in the room next door while you're sleeping you know I've been there I've been throughout the fucking whole thing. But trust me, in 1996 and 97 and 98, yeah, I had a pain in my heart deep about my daughter. And yes, I was missing meals. And yes, I was barely making it. But I was as happy as could be because I was doing what I was. wanted to do. Well, that was my question.

Do you think, and obviously people, if they have kids, they have to make a certain amount of money, but do you think if you're really worried about the money, you might not love what you're doing? Because, like, for me, like... No, no, no. No, I had two spots at the store last night. I could not wait all day to go down.

That's my point. And that's $15. Yeah. There's no money there at all. That 15 after taxes, you remember? remember I tip out more than I make when I go down there. No, that's what I'm saying. So think about that.

When I go to the comedy store, I tip out more than what I get. If I get a water and valet, I tip out more than what I get. Just with the valet usually. Yeah, just with the valet I tip out and then the guy will award it. They're young comics. They're all hustling. They're all trying to make a living. How can I not support them?

So that's why you give back when you get older as an older comic. That's how you give back by helping out the younger fucking comics. You know, there's nights I go to fucking park my car as I walk out. Xing Fow, the Chinese kid and some other white guy, walking out with a fucking thing full of garbage. That was not included in there. I want to be a comedy resume dream. But they're at the store.

They're amongst great comedy. They're in the fucking energy. They're involved. People are talking to them. You know, when I see them dump it, you know, I feel in my heart. But hey, that was fucking me 20 or 30 years ago.

At Wits' end, I had to take garbage out and the worst is when you go throw the thing out, the bottle hits the floor, and that old beer hits your jeans. Now you've got to drive home sticking like an old beer with a marlborough in it. All the bag breaks. And shit like that.

When I go down in the comedy store, I lose money when I walk in the comedy store. And I lose it on purpose because you have to give back. You have to give back. At some point, all these things Sammy the fucking chicken Nebraska all these things that people give you you have to give back

the knowledge that they're getting from you isn't the $20 the knowledge they're getting from you is how you should hold yourself up as an older comic as an older man you know I'm trying to make up all the fucking mistakes I made as a young kid so I'm trying to be the best I can on a daily But I didn't

You know when I got the Taco Bell Commercially That money yes Put coke in my nose But that money went to a big chunk of child support That money went to a big chunk of an attorney That I owed money to And a big chunk of that went to the stripper I live with

For rent and God knows what else Because she was charging me back rent Oh you owe me 300 from July in Seattle I'm taking that yeah she was as cheap as fuck So that's why I had a rob at the time I give it three and then take one out of a purse just to make it even somewhere. It's got to be an even playing ground.

It's not all about you. But then I didn't do nothing, Lee. Then I was worth living on the road at fucking 100 cents a night. After the Taco Bell commercial went down, I disappeared and went on the road. The CBS pilot commercial, that money I got, half of that went to the attorneys,

half of that went to the stripper. That's how we got our apartment on Hollywood Boulevard. And the other half, went just to have money in my pocket. I didn't know what it felt, felt like to have more than $4 in my pocket at one time. Since 1991 to 1998, I didn't know what it was like to have $400 bills that belong to you. Because I would basically go care, even when I worked with the sports betting place, I would cash a check and have to make eight money orders of people I owed money to. Eight or nine money orders. If I made $3,000, I knew $25 of that was going out.

I pay my debts. I got to pay them. What do you want me to do? I got to fucking pay them. You know, don't get me wrong. I told the credit card companies and people to suck my dick. Them, they make enough money. Yeah, the people who mattered.

The people who mattered how to pay back. I borrowed money from a dear friend of mine. I had to make a fucking payment loan with him. After I made bail, you know, there was a thousand people I had to make right with. And you eventually paid the credit card to pay? No, I didn't. Oh, no, I thought that was that. After seven years.

No. No. Those who to pay my wife's credit card loan back. Oh, okay. I'm talking about my debt from 92 and 93. Got it. It takes seven years for it to disappear off Europe. Oh, it just goes away?

Yes. I don't know. But it's six years and I'm, hey, hi, Lee, how are you? Joe from Discover card, you know what I'm saying? Right. You're going to pick up a phone and call your mom, a pay phone. And before you could pick up, it would ring. And it'd be Joe from Discover.

How are you? I see there you're a, because they used to, you know, There was no website in those days. But when somebody posted, I was going to be somewhere like a flyer. I don't know. From 92 to 97 in Seattle, until I got the 1-800 line, I got calls everywhere. They would call the Comedy Underground. Bill collectors, three years later.

Because what the big companies do is sell to a smaller company for a percentage of it, for 25 cents on a dollar, and they try to recoup their money. So it's constantly, and it's just a write-off. So somebody told, I was ready to go file for bankruptcy, and somebody said, don't file bankruptcy. Just go underneath. Go underneath. And don't answer the calls.

And eventually little things dropped off, little things dropped off, little things. I was very devastating for me. I don't like owning money. No. I had put myself in such a credit card debt. I had put myself in such a credit card debt. And it wasn't for me.

It was despite my ex-wife. Years later, I realized that it was despite my ex-wife. So she would get burdened with the debt. I'm mad enough to admit it, you know. And then they threw it out of court, and I got stuck with the fucking debt. So at the end, it backfired into my fucking thing. You know, so you pay for, you reap what you sow.

You know. But that was a big thing that people really don't understand. if you don't love what you're doing I say this to people all the time if you can't do it for free you know when people say hey what are you doing on Sunday Lee

and you're like nothing I mean how you want to help me move there's pizza and you're like I think I got a podcast that day I got like 18 fucking podcasts that day you know thank goodness yeah if we don't love something we don't tend to do you know we want to help

out our friend we'll go over there and pick him up you know like that day with the day if we call John on salami we have some friends that helped us you know but I'm talking about once you do something just for the money it wears on you so before quickly before you go ahead was there any point in this 10 years whatever however many years it took you to start making money that you were like you know what I hate these calls let me go make some money and forget comedy I was so

deep in the hole again you asked me a couple weeks ago we go through it every three or four months when do you know when do you know when do you know when do you know when do you know when I put my debt down on that news on that piece of paper and I added up I forget what the number was I really do genuinely do but it wasn't a good number like a hundred grand someone like that it was double that Wow. Okay. So here's the deal, people.

If I owe you $200,000, you come to me and you go, Joey, I need that 200 G's. I could give you $25,000 the year every six months, whatever the terms we come to. But once you're running the clock on me, you're never going to get ahead. That's what the credit cards exactly want to do. It's like 20% interest. It's 20%. And the clock is always running. So if your minimum payment is $20 and you're making a $50 payment, you're in no danger.

You're in no danger. For a long time, I was making these minimum payments, and I would look to see at what I owed, and I realized that no matter how I came to terms with it, you know, I went to a consolidation company. I don't know who it was back then in 19. Before I left for New York in 93. January 93 or 92 one of those years I went to see one of those debt consolidation companies whatever he said to me it was not going to work like it was like he could have narrowed it all down to like 1,200 a month for 14 years and that was without me living

me paying child support me paying the attorney that was just a credit card bill. Wow. He would have broke it down into two loans for me, even though I didn't, since I didn't have credit, it would have put me into a high risk, so my interest rate would have been higher, and Lee, it was just a trap,

that I would have had a bankrupt anyway. There was no way. There was no way I could pay the credit cards, child support, the attorneys, and live a life. There was no way. I was not living a grandiose life. And I was trying to If I could sell an A ball

To cut back on me spending a 50 I would do that I always sold drugs or something Just to cut back on that But at that point I looked at that number And I knew that was unattainable I knew I had to throw my hands up And as bad and as fucking shitty as I felt

For putting somebody in those conditions You know you lie to yourself And you tell yourself things to make you feel better they're making up an interest, they rob other people. The fact is remains the same. I did all of the money. And that was it. Bro, I had every card imaginable.

But there were people on that debt list that I could have told them to go fuck themselves. But I didn't because I knew them. I knew the time that they had given me the money that they were going through a hard time and they believed in me. So those people, I called up like a man and I said, listen, I know I owe you two grand.

But all I could send you is 50 a month. You know what, Lee, you're going to get pissed at me for about a month or two. And then you're going to go, you know what? I got to give the kids some character. At least he's doing it. At least he's trying. At least he's at every month, he gives me 50 bucks on the first, and he comes to my house, and he brings my daughter a toy,

and he talks to my wife. And you really can't be mad at those people. And that's what I did. I did that with a ton of people. I have a friend of Mississippi. I owed thousands to. there's one guy still I owe money to

and I've asked 20 people because he gave me money again another guy that went into a bank account that didn't have money and he gave me money to help my dream that Dotson B-210 I talked about right he bought it he bought it $800

put the insurance on and put new tires on and got a road ready for me those are the people I've had touched me in my life Those, this is why I'm saying to you that whatever journey you take, it's going to be hard. It's going to be really fucking hard. When I write hard on my pad, I write it with three fucking exclamation points, four. It's going to be very hard.

But you're going to, every once in a while you catch a break. Whether you're a carpenter, you know, you're a carpenter and you start your own business. and for the first six jobs you break even and your wife is breaking your balls and then one day you figure something out on time or energy or money and now you're in the profit now you know

there's a fucking curve it's a big curve to figuring out what you want to do there's a big that's a big curve that's a big curve for anybody I knock on I knock on wood every day and get on my knees and I'm thankful and grateful that at the end of the age of 30 you know at the age of 28 I had the knowledge to get on stage or the

what do the Jews call it hoodspa yeah I had the hoodspa to get on stage but then at the age of 31 I committed to it you think about it at 31 to tell yourself you're gonna be broke for 10 years that's why I am right you tell yourself that you look yourself in the mirror and go you know what I'm gonna start playing the organ with a monkey but I'm not gonna make money for five years But if I do make money, you ever go to a service department and drop your car off and they tell you your car's not going to be ready to five? Mm-hmm. And then you get a call at 11 o'clock and I tell you're ready. You're like, God damn it, I want to rent in a car, I'm on the other side of the town.

They tell you the worst prognosis. So if they do beat it, they look like heroes. Right. You know what I'm saying? If you come to me today and go, I got a lump on my head. what do I got left? I can't tell. I don't know.

I'm not a fortune tell. I'm not got. Let's put six months on your head. For six months, you'll be eating pussy, stabbing people, tell them to discover to suck your dick. All of a sudden, here you are a year later. You're still alive.

Yeah. And I think also, so like, yeah, like maybe 10 years you're not going to make money. Year of five, you're making a little bit of money. Now, instead of working for free, you're making $50 a set.

By year, six I was making six to eight thousand a year by my calculations that's in one year I did taxes in 97 I actually did taxes like I filled out the paperwork I got all the W-2s right and I think I made eight thousand dollars for the year now but you're also talking about four thousand dollars and 50s and 25 dollars from doing bar shows so on most of them get me wrong yeah I was making $1,000 a month, paying $400 rent. I had no car payment. I had child support with $365, clothes and food.

If I got a score, and I already had, you know, like I said, I always knew I would make $1,000 to $1,200 a month. God forbid somebody called me out of the blue and said, I got a gig for you. Friday and Saturday, you're opening for me for $100 a night. Oh, that means I went to Mexican dinner, right? I jumped up and down. And it's interesting you're talking about it because I had an issue, not an issue. I went down to San Diego four weeks in a row.

And I had people offer me places to stay. Like you're saying, people are very generous. It makes me uncomfortable to stay at people's places. I've never liked that. And I know you talked about because your mom passed away. You did see the highs and the lows. Did it take you a while to get used to sleeping on floors to, sleeping on people's couches.

Before you make the next step into your journey, you've got to reprogram your mind. I know, it's hard. And get ready to eat shit and to do what you need to do if not quit this. Get out of this. Because it's not going to be

an easy journey for you. Right. It's not an easy journey for anybody. Somebody offers you a space to... You're trying to get into a community. Yeah. You're trying to get into a community. You're trying to get into a community.

You're trying to find, especially a comic at your level, whether you're a plumber that's, you know, when you're an apprentice union plumber, right? Let's say you're working on a big fucking job and there's 15 fucking apprentices. Where do you go after work? A bar. And you become bonds with other guys,

and you talk to other guys. And these guys aren't the plumbers. These guys are the same guys that are doing your job. They know what it is to get rained on. They know what it is for pipes to hit them. They know what it is to unload a truck They know how it is to do all this shit Those are the people you got to be around

Not the plumbers The plumbers ain't gonna help you Right The plumbers ain't gonna, they're just gonna call you a dummy Like what are you doing? Get the fuck out of here Go help him It's the same thing with comedy

It's the same thing in any journey They're opening your house to you So you become a part of something So in the morning you wake up at 12 And you go eat Mexican food Then you go see the Joker And they introduce you to two other comics that both have other rooms in El Centro

or one on the border of Mexico or one on the border of fucking Yuma. You know, this is what this is called. It's called opening up doors. You're opening up doors. You cannot feel weird when somebody offers you a place to live because I tell you what,

the next five years, you're not going to make any money. Right. I drove back and forth. You're not going to make any money. You lost 30 on the weekend for gas. Yeah. You're not going to make any money. So when you start working,

helium, they don't put you in a hotel room. Right. So Pat House, a local comic, you're going to stay at his fucking, on his floor, and watch TV. And guess what? When Pat House comes out here, to stay for a couple days, he has to stay at your couch.

And those are the relationships, I don't care what you like. Like I told you the other night, the other night I had my red sweatshirt on. I did not want to go to the store. But it doesn't matter what I like, or what I need or what I want. It doesn't matter. It's what needs to be done.

What I want is to sit here and have somebody suck my dick while somebody cuts my fungi toe nail while somebody fucking feeds me reefer and somebody brings me shrimp bag full young. That's what I want. That's the ideal, right? But that's not going to happen.

That's not going to happen. So I got to do what needs to be done. What you like when you become a comic or when you commit to any career what you like or what you're used to, It's not going to work. It's not going to work. You have to change for it.

That's part of the process. That's part of the love that you have for this. But for you to go to San Diego and drive back and forth for $0,000, I got to ask you to go outside and bang your head on the wall three times and come back in. I understand doing it one night. You could have spent the day down there. Gone on the beach. Take your shirt off. Go to a coffee shop.

Right jokes. That's all your job is right now, is to write jokes. That's the only job you got. Come here twice a day, twice a week, and write jokes. It doesn't matter where you write it. Take that computer and have that pen and pencil with you. Get a chicken with a feather, in case you got to draw blood from it to write,

and that's all you need to do. There's no worry, and that's what I understood. See, at that age, I was raised in Jersey, and I was raised by different dynamics. I was raised when people pull it. your side and said, this is how it's done. And this is how it's going to be done from now on. This is how it's going to be done from now on.

Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot, and this guy knows more than me. Because I got to assume I'm a fucking moron. Because if I was and I'd be doing what he's doing and I'm not. So obviously, that's how I was raised. When people come over with you, the fun and games is over. This is what needs to be done. The first time you don't do it, you're getting smacked in the mouth.

You'll do it. You'll do it quickly. You'll adjust. If he tells you to be that nine, you'll be there at 10 to 9 with a fucking flag marching. That's how life is. It's not what you want to do. It's what needs to be done. I didn't want to fucking get into comedy and start for 10 years, but it's what it needed to be done.

You know, people still, when we say it now, it's well known. You get $15 for your spots at the comedy store. Half the people at home listening to this right now are going, why do you go down there? Half of the people who have a mind right now that are listening to this podcast, half of you that have a fucking head on your shoulders, that had good loving growing up and petted your dog

and your parents took you on vacation. You're like Joey, you're 56 years old and you're doing spots for $15, shame on you. It's not about the $15. I wish it was. Like I always tell my agents when they call me and they try to greet you, me and whore me out I tell him right out if I wanted to make money I would have

gone into the co-business and succeeded but I didn't I was a failure so I got into this so this is my fucking future when you love something nothing could stop you can you imagine your wife your girlfriend you haven't seen it for a month she calls you up one night at two in the morning and tells you a push She's on fire and it's an hour drive. How many of us would make the drive? Come on, let's all not raise our hands at once because we've all done it. Ladies, we've all been there.

How come it's easy to get in a car and drive 40 minutes and get a piece of ass? But not to the thing that you love the most. We all love pussy and we all love cock, right ladies? Some guy calls you at one o'clock come over, he's good looking. You fucking fly over there. You don't fly that fucking fast when it's your job. Right. You don't fly that fucking fast.

fucking fast when you know think about these things these are things they got to think about money is not the answer to your happiness money is not the answer to your life trust me on something the money will come fall in love with something first do you hear what al-asani said really really fall in love with something for something first we had a guy in here that when you look at this celebrity net worth, he was down $100 million. He went to prison, and he's here to educate you and tell you

that greed is not good. Passion is good. You know what inspires me? When I go on Twitter and I see Jennifer Jones at a fair on a fucking Sunday, you think Jennifer Jones wants to be on a fucking fair on a fucking Sunday? No, but she loves people buying her art and she loves people coming up to her and saying that's a nice piece.

Even if they don't buy the human interaction, you have to love all this. You have to love it. And then after you fall completely in love with it, then you'll figure out the plan how the money will come in. That's the plan. That's the plan. Money is fucking no good to think about. Passion. I want you to love something.

I want you to go, Joey Jesus, I can't wait to go to the beach to make a fucking ice castle. But there's no money in my, man, right? Your mother, your grandmother, your father, there's no money in ice castles. What if one day you become the best ice castle in the world and every time Jay-Z throws a party, you shave the ice room for $22 million.

What if? I don't know that. I don't know the future. Fall in love with something first. And then the Ghee, this will come later. When? I don't know. I don't know.

But if you deeply love it, if you deeply love something, fucking helping people. You know, I got a friend right now, I talk to a lot. She just got a job in the rehab. I think she's fucking retarded. Okay?

You know me, though. I'm like, you're going to sit there and listen to lies from people for no money. She was a junkie, and now her passion. She stayed clean for 15 years, and now her passion is to lead others. She's making 400 a week, and she has to work 60 hours a week.

She just got herself an apartment in Van Nuys. She drives all the way downtown every day. She gets there an hour early. When I talk to those people, they fucking inspire the fuck out of me. It makes them remember why I love this. know Vinny at a subconscious you sit down with Vinny you talk to Vinny about jiu-jitsu and you ask him what he really wants to do and he'll look in the face and go I love everything about and you can tell him when he's teaching Jiu-Jitsu he loves

everything about it you know how much money there is in making teaching Jiu-Jitsu as much as fucking sucking cock backwards okay there's that much money in teaching Jiu-Jitsu but let me tell you something if you really love it you'll become a fucking at i.e. John Jack Machado. A. Egan Machado. A. E. G. G. G. Boreena. I.e. fucking Alberto Crane. These guys love what the fuck

they do. Go look at their schools. Eddie Bravo. Eddie Bravo. I. E. Eddie Bravo. I. E. Eddie Bravo. Go ahead. Sit with Eddie. And take away the fucking cosmonauts and the dead presidents and see what shit. The beating he throws on

you about leg locks. And the motherfucker. fucking knows what he's talking about. And he doesn't miss a colla. You know, that motherfucker every night calls me a 10 after 8. And he's headed downtown to fucking teach Monday through fucking Thursday. When I knew Eddie, Eddie was living in a shack on fucking Santa Monica next to another fucking animal. They had a shack down there.

Shack, there was rabies on the wall. You think Eddie gave a fuck? He started with a little gym called the whatever the fuck it was. Bomb squad. Over on Santa Monica. I would go over there. across the street from the whole foods, whatever it is now. Now it's something completely different.

That's what I saw from the Godfather, who said, let them lose their souls. They're all animals anyway. The guy that said that line, the Godfather, I see him at that supermarket. Eddie started at Bomb Squad. Do you think he was making a million dollars at Bomb Squad a year? No.

Eddie busted his balls ever since he took something, he took a win over a champion, and turned it into something that now it's international. Doesn't it like 100 schools? A hundred schools. Something he was in love with. That for years he starved.

He lived in the back of a fucking shed. Look at him now. So you think I'm fucking lying to you? The proof isn't the pudding. Don't forget this Thursday night I will be at the Uptown Theater in Kansas City, Missouri, ready to fucking rock.

And Saturday we added the show at the Paramount. theater. 9.30, you're out by fucking 11 o'clock. You can still smoke dope till 6 in the morning or whatever the fuck it is you like to do or whatnot. You understand me? You know how we do it. I'm looking forward to Kansas City. Last time I went down there to do comedy, I was at the Funny Bone. I think it's a funny bone. No, no, no. I think it's an

improv and I had a great time. I think I'm going to go see whatever's kickboxing school on Friday. I think I'm getting in early enough. Hopefully. that I could go to kickboxing class. So I'm looking forward to some barbecue. I already know where I'm going. I already got the hotel. I'm ready to fucking go.

But before you go anywhere, this podcast is brought to you by mybooky.g. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by my bookie.orgia. Let me ask you something. You're asking me, Joey, why do I go to my bookie? It's fast, it's easy, and they pay when you win. They revamped their fucking website. It looks

fucking phenomenal. You could do prop bets, side bets, whatever bet. Listen, they got a contest they were running. Five teams, you beat the spread, you rack up points, 100 to sign up,

100,000 at the end of the season. I'm sure they're going to do something with college football and the NBA. My bookie is the way to go. But if you're trying to bet NFL, baseball, MMA, whatever,

my bookies got it. Do the smart thing. If you're going to bet football, bet with them. If you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot, try a parlay. If all your picks come through, you multiply your winnings. And no matter how you bet, the NFL season is the best time of the year. Why? We're two weeks away from pro basketball. We're two weeks away from fucking hockey. I think hockey started already. What am I saying? You know, with college basketball's down the corner, the holidays are coming. We all need

fucking Getus. Do me a favor. Go to my bookie.orgie. Right now. today. Right now this Monday use promo code church get a hundred percent bonus on your initial deposit. Are you fucking kidding me or what? That means you lay down a nickel. They put a nickel on top of that. Where are you going to get that type of action from? Nobody. Uncle Joey's bringing it to you. So go to my bookie.ag. That's my bookie. Grab a fucking pen. M-Y-B-O-O-O-K-I-E. and don't forget to use promo code church C-H-U-R-C-H when creating your account to claim the bonus.

Listen, with my bookie.g, you play, you win, you get motherfucking paid. And don't forget to check Matt Flavis world my Instagram on Thursday. I'll be dropping a video with you, motherfuckers. Uncle Joey's my bookie picks. Last time I had to lose, I'm not going to lie to you, people. Just go to my bookie.g.

Right now and get the party start. a little i want to talk to you about dylan moskowitz is a real zip recruiter customer who use zip recruiter to hire for his company cafe altura the following is a testimonial script based on the employer story you know cafe outdoor CEO dylan moscowicz needed to hire a director of coffee for his organic coffee company but he was having trouble finding a qualified candidate what did he do he went to zip recruiter zip recruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. Technology identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job so you get the qualified candidates fast. Dylan posted his job on ZipRecruiter and he said he was impressed how quickly he had great

candidates apply. He also used a ZipRecruiter candidate rating feature to filter his applicants so he could focus on the most relevant ones. And how's Dylan found his new director of coffee? Yes, he did in just a few days. With results like that, it's no wonder. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And you can take that to the bank. Now, do me a favor. Go see why ZipRecruiter is effective for businesses of all sizes, whether you got 10 employees or 200 employees. You can try ZipRecruiter for free. Joey, what the hell? It's Monday. Free! Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church, C-H-U-R-C-H. That's ziprecruiter.com slash church, C-H-U-R-C-H, and get the smartest way to hire.

That's what ZipRecruiter has to offer. It's the smartest way to hire. They're going to save your time and energy, and you're going to get the best candidate available to you. I want to thank ZipRecruiter. I want to thank my bookie, but most importantly, I want to thank you motherfucking savages for always having my back. Remember what I talked about today? Fall in love with something first.

In time, you'll figure out how to make money with it. I don't care if it's shining shoes. I don't care if it's fucking putting yellow paint on people's assholes. If you have passion, eventually your dream will come true. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. See you Friday in Kansas City at the Uptown or Saturday night at the 930 show at the Paramount Theater in Denver. A little Tony Bennett for you, cock suckers. Kick this mule.

How is that? To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks. your heart some somebody twice as smart as I a somebody who

will swear to be true as you used to do with me to learn company wait and see see how he does it When he breaks your heart

Two bits Let's see if a puzzle fits So finds When I'll discover That revenge is sweet When somebody breaks your heart Like you