The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #726 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

Greg Fitzsimmons, a stand up comedian and the host of the "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and cohost of the "Childish" podcast alongside Alison Rosen, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Kettle Bell Kitchen - Go to kettlebellkitchen.com and use code church to get $25 off each of your first two orders. MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get your complete hair kit for just $5 while supplies last. 

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A little leesha. Summer of 83. Quailudes and eating bad pussy. You need pussy and your phone from the mouth the next day. Cementious. All right. What's happened here, Greg Fitzsimmons? Joey Diaz, I got to tell you, man.

You're the real deal. Just hanging out with you for ten minutes before the show. Nothing makes me happier. You're just a fucking real guy. You don't give a shit. No. There's no. Talking shit about Sobra October, making me laugh about fucking Ari.

I just got here doing bonnets. What are we going to do? It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's 80 degrees outside. We got our legs. Yep. We got our arms. We got our house.

Right. No ED. No erectile of this function. You ever get one drop on you? Fall down, the flight of stairs. What's that? Your dick. I'm getting to the point now where you get it there.

And once you bang out one, then you'd, done done like done it used to be why I could shoot one that would stay half of the tension yeah and you go back in there for the second stab and that lasts a little longer and everybody sees stars yeah that got cut out now I got a I got a 24 hour at shot clock on mine now it resets yeah 24 hours it's it's and the worst is I'll go to my office I got an office like this about the same size just fucking all business and little couch and uh you know I'll watch some Japanese hidden camera massage porn, lesbians. And I work one out.

And then I come home that night and the wife throws a move on me after the kids go to bed. And I got to look her right in the eye and go, too late, sweetie. Too late. That one's gone. No, I usually don't bang one out

in the daytime. I'm a late-night type of dude. Really? Yeah, I don't know why. I'm not a daytime banger out. I like late night when I got nothing to do at night. You're bored. You might as well bang one out.

I go take a pee. and I'm bang when I'm standing up. No shit. Yeah, I'm old school. Standing up. You land it all in the water or is it all over the place? Yeah, no, I landed right in the toilet. Then I close it and it's a little space.

Sea monkey. Remember in the 70s? You put that powder in the water and you closed up. Sea monkey. I got a back bathroom. I'll come in that toilet. I'll put the lid down. I go away.

I come back two days later. I got like a half a kid in there. It's like a hand with a fly on it in there. It's telling me, help me. Help me. fuck out of there. I flush them down the toilet. You got a herd of fucking horses. I got a back bathroom that gets those retarded flies.

Yeah. Okay. What do you mean? They're slow. They get big and slow. I don't know what happens. I open up the door and I take a shit. And while I'm taking a shit, you know, I love taking the shit with the back door open. Yeah. When we rented this house and I saw the layout, nobody comes to that bathroom. You have to walk through too many mazes.

So it's my bathroom. I got a couple kettlebells on the floor. I got some club weights and shit. I got two punching back, two gloves in there. I got my bong in there. I got that like wah watching the back door, my Santeria stuff. And I got the shitter. And it's perfect.

And I opened the back door. And the sun comes in at six in the morning after my first cup of coffee. And as I'm fucking smoking bong hits this shit flying out of my ass. When you cough, what's better than coughing? not a bong. There's nothing better. No, it comes right out. And for some reason, lately, as you get old, you get those extended pieces of shit. The ones that aren't long no more, they're like six inches, but the middle has like a four-inch gap, like a mushroom cap. So your ass stretches out

for a minute. Yeah. It's like fucking... You guys are both saying yes. Like, where are you talking about it? You get older, your body changes. Okay. You young guys, so your shit's changed. So last week, last Monday, and I got to be honestly, I'm on that. I'm on that. I'm very honest. I do not do pain pills, but I had an altoid can that people give me on the road. People give me a little different pills. I put in my little altoy. Vicodins, hydrocodone, whatever. Do you know what each one is? Not really. Not really. You know, I have an idea, but not really. So some nights, you know, so when we had the last night before so about October, we came in here and we had like

six codeine threes. And I ate them. Let me tell you how much I don't eat pain pills. They clogged me up all week. Oh, yeah. That's the problem. They destructed me all week. Coffee.

I could feel this shit in my stomach. Yeah. I finally said, fuck this. The other morning, I ran over the Piz. The Mexican place up there, they got a fruit salad. Whenever you eat there, at the end, they give you a fruit cup with the Mexican cream on top. It makes you fucking your dick are just eating it. Yeah.

I give you a couple blueberries, raspberries, and strawberries and strawberries. melon, the green melon. Right. It's tremendous. I just went up there and said, give me a fruit thing with no cream on it. Give me half the cream. I ate the whole fucking thing. And Friday night, I was on that throne. Like I said, they were coming out in chunks. Yeah. You could hear it. It's like people throwing sheet rock off the room.

I was like, bah, bah, bah, bah. And your asshole is distended. Three times I went in there. It was like 10 minutes of bah, like flushing. I had to get up and fucking and get the Pogo stick and push it down, whatever the fucking call that thing. Loading a cannon. I got the big extended one for gorillas. The ones they use it, the gorilla cage and the Bronx Zoo,

I'm pushing down on this motherfucker. But for some reason, I attract these flies, and they go against the bathroom window, and they kind of get retarded. Yeah, right? So after a few days, they just come into my lair, and I got a little wheat container, a glass container that's empty,

weed and I put them in there. I take one of their wings off to fuck them up a little bit. And I put little holes and I feed them weed. I just give them weed. And for three or four days they're just eating weed. They don't know. And I just put more flies in there. I got about eight of them in there right

now. Do you let them out? No, no. They're in there. I'm like that dude in Adam Lector that collected the bugs and put them up chubby chick's pussies. And then he would drop them off from the weeds off the 170. Remember the Put the cream on the skin

That dude The creepy dude Jumped The lotion in the bucket Dropped the lotion in the bucket I don't remember A bug is going in the pussy In that movie

It was a moth It was a moth Oh god I don't remember that part He would put morts in their mouths Or something Yeah That's how they found them

They found the moth In the mouth And Right They figured out The moth Got sent from some other country Yeah

No I used to take those viking And I got Shoulderer It's probably going back Five years I got shoulder surgery just from repeated throwing shit my entire life, just the right shoulder needed to be rebuilt. And they gave me,

I had the surgeon, write me Vicodin, I had the general practitioner, right me hydrocodone, I had somebody in physical therapy, write me somebody, I was filling everyone for fucking nine months. These guys kept refilling it.

And then I'd go into people's medicine cabinets. If I came to your house for dinner, I'd excuse myself to go to the bathroom and I would rifle through your shit and I would take your hydrocodone if there's anybody out there, friends, family that have had me over in the last five years and you think you got a little hydrocodone left

for when you get a backache you're gonna have to refill that. That's gone. Thank you for the honesty. Yeah. That's why I don't put my shit in the bathroom. Right. I'd go to open houses.

I got my medication in the weirdest places. Yeah. Like my blood pressure medication in the kitchen next to the refrigerator. So I'm reminded to take it. Yeah. And all my men are met them at the little do pills. I got them hidden. You know what I'm saying?

Those are hidden because I don't want mercy to find them. I know. You got to get a safe. First of all, I don't have them to put up in my... Like some people take them and they put them in their medicine cabin. Yeah. I don't have the anxiety shit the doctor gives me. Yeah.

I don't put it in there. I don't even take it on the road. I wash more. one of those anxiety pills that I take. Oh, you tell me, you put them in your pocket before you come to the store. I wash more than I take. Yeah. You know, so, but it was interesting.

Before the podcast thought I were talking about the Friars Club. Oh, right. What are the requirements? Well, back in the day, the requirements were that you had to be a man. I don't know what the, I don't think there was ever a race restriction. There's a lot of private clubs in New York that had race restrictions. You know, you had the union club and the players club. There was a whole, like, circuit of private clubs.

They're mostly in like old, beautiful brownstones, like five-story brownstones. And the Friars Club was founded as a club for entertainers. It was for comedians, borsh belt guys that were on the road, Broadway actors, songwriters, entertainment attorneys, agents. And they all joined this club, and they would just hang out. And they had the Joey Lewis bar. You came in on the left. And it was one of these old-time New York bars with the fucking red-padded,

rubber on the edge of the bar and then some deep black booths in the back and they serve you the fucking peanuts that everybody's pissy hands been rifling through all day but you eat them anyway and guys just come in there after work have a couple drinks and then during the day guys that come in for lunch the dining room was fucking beautiful i think was the frank sinatra dining room and you get the dover soul and they they take the bones out right at the table they come over and they filet it for you right at the table and you just put it on your account nobody you don't bring money to the friars club everything is just they know your number they throw it down then you go upstairs and they got a card room guys play cards all day betting all fucking like these yeah they're working at night they're

comics so they have their lunch they play cards and then upstairs they get a steam room that's the best steam room in the city and you walk in you get your little locker and then they give you a robe and you walk into the steam room. Guy comes in, he's got a towel, and then he's got a washcloth that they, it's got ice cubes on it. And he hands you that, the glass of water. And then when you get out,

you walk into the shower, you take a shower. Big fucking, big shower with the power nozzle that blows that shit. It's like a civil rights riot in the 60s. You're getting blasted against the German shepherds are barking underneath the stall. And then you come out

and this Polish guy takes a towel, not making this up, and he fucking pats you dry, your whole body. You just stand there with your arms out. This guy patts you dry, everything but your dick. And then he wraps a towel around your waist, hands you another glass of water, and then you go back and you go sit and you put the robe on. And they got these lazy boys sitting outside by the gym, big screen TV, Variety Magazine, Hollywood Reporter, and you sit down and you fucking watch a little MSN BC, read variety, put a towel on your head, take a nap, and then you go out to your show that night. Do you have to let the guy draw you off?

Why wouldn't you? I don't know. That seems... It's a great feeling. How long have you been a member of this for? I joined in 93. One of the requirements. You got to have somebody recommend you and second you, and then they review you, and then you come in and they have a little ceremony, but they swear you.

in and read to the rules and all that stuff. So I joined. My father was a friar my whole life. I watched the OJ Chase at the Friars Club. I watched, you know, the 86 Mets win the World Series in that friars club. They had a, they have a TV viewing room that's fantastic. You know, and the waiters are everywhere and fucking black jackets and bow ties, getting your drinks.

And then my, I sponsored this woman, Sarah Fearon, funny comedic actress, kind of quirky and I submitted her. She got accepted. She goes to the ceremony and she brings her friend Aaron and I'm there and I talked to Aaron. She's with a guy, but I talked to her for like 20 minutes. And then after the ceremony, I said to Sarah Fearon, I said, I'm going to marry your friend someday. And three years later, I started dating Aaron, took her to the Friars Club, proposed in the Milton Burl Room. I proposed to her. She said yes. The rest is history.

It's a beautiful story. Yeah. Now, can I ask you a question? Yeah. You're a pretty smart guy. We love each other. We really do. I know what you're going to say right now.

Why the fuck don't I want to go there? I got a call last night from Josh Wolf. Let's start the story straight. The other day I'm watching TV. When we come back, we'll show you the first new Hollywood marijuana. a restaurant, a cafe. They flashed to it. They show a bunch of white kids online, vaporing, and they show people inside, ha, ha, ha,

and smoking a blunt, and they got high-powered fans, and right there. And if foods all got pot in it? I don't know. I don't know. But right then, I knew, like, you would never see me close to that. Yeah. Like, I knew what that decision. Last night, I suppose, I was talking to Josh Wolf, and he goes, have you come?

to it yet it's great and he goes you should go and I go Josh how long go I know you you do know that I would never step foot in that fucking place you know I've been smoking dope since I was 12 I got nothing to prove to no but I got to go now in a restaurant and smoke dope to show these assholes that I smoke out of my face and that's all anyone's talking about is smoking dope every night it's it's but no back to the why do I feel this way I mean, you're a smart guy. Like, I sit at home at nights. Like, I schedule myself because I know I'm at an age.

I can't go out two nights in a row at the comedy store. It's too much excitement for me. Yeah. So now Thursday, I've got to take a nap. So I'd rather go to the store Tuesday and Thursday and space it out. But when I'm sitting at home Wednesday, it's 8 o'clock. My daughter's going to bed at 8.30. My wife doesn't give a Frenchman's fuck what I do.

And I got 20 options. And I don't want to do any of them. It's so weird not to offend you. You know, I dearly love you. I've seen, like, pictures in the Friars Club and how they act and Billy Crystal. I would stab myself in the eye after five minutes in that. I don't like none of that shit. Yeah.

You know, it's like I still remember wanting to go to Montreal so bad. And saving up the money, and I talked Slate into putting me on during the dirty show. and I took a flight to Detroit and when I checked into the hotel room in Detroit because I was going to go to Montreal in the morning I was like, who the fucking mind to go there?

They didn't invite me. I'm not a part of those people and even if I go there, I don't want to be there like, oh my God, you have such a great time at the bar. Yeah. It's the same jerk host I could see on Tuesday at the comedy store. Right.

I just see them now getting drunk in their environment. I don't want to, I don't know what it is about me. like I do not want to go there. Well, you're an outsider. That's your identity is you did it your way. And maybe you weren't embraced by the mainstream. You weren't given those same kind of breaks that somebody else might have gotten.

And I don't know why. I mean, some people could say it's maybe because people are afraid of you. You're, you know, you're aggressive on stage. You say shit, nobody else says. It's not politically correct. It could be racist. You know, you're not white. and you know you're

I'm not you're a felon you're an outlaw is an insecurity that I have or is it a character that I've created for me it feels like I've always felt this way

I remember the night you came down and this might this might have felt like that environment to you is I was doing a I do a benefit show every year for the best buddies we're doing it the improv and it was like

for whatever reason I ended up booking I usually book it because I'm at somebody's house and they got people over and I think oh I got to book this fucking thing except for you who I just call for anytime I do a benefit I call you straight out of the gate and I was there and so it was Zach Alfenakis and it was Sarah Silverman

and I think it might have been Brian Possein so it was kind of like I think it might have represented like that kind of Largo world or that alternative comedy world that maybe you never felt a part of and I remember seeing you you didn't come in the room You were standing in the back.

You don't want to come until you went on. And I think you were feeling like a little bit trepidacious, you know. And I hadn't seen you like that before. And you went on stage and you fucking ripped it apart. And you were doing the bit about the chick pissing in your face. And you just didn't give a fuck. And I'm sitting with them in the corner. And I'm curious to see what their reaction is going to be to you, you know,

because this is not Largo. This is not, you know, pro-feminist, you know, with their use. and their fucking jaws were slacked. They were like, what just blew on stage? What fucking storm just settled over the microphone of the improv now? And they fucking loved it. They were like, this is unbelievable.

And I remember you walking out and I knew that, I don't know that you saw them or how they reacted, but I think you felt really good that you just did what you do and that whatever anxiety you were feeling, before, that didn't come on stage with you. It was pure Joey Diaz on that stage. Well, I always have anxiety. Yeah. You know, once I walk into the battle zone, the comedy

store, the anxiety goes up 150%. Right. It's like when Michael, you know, one of the greatest things about the godfather is what, whatever the director was, or whatever the idea he got, when Michael goes into the bathroom before he shoots a lot. To get the gun, yeah, in the Bronx. The train. That train. If I know Greg Critt Simmons is sitting in this office

and I got to put a hit on Greg Fitzsimmons and I have to do it myself at 9 o'clock at night when he's doing a podcast with Lee, as I walk up those stairs, your adrenaline goes so high because I've been in that situation before why, rob somebody or rob jewelry. Anytime I did anything that was that creepy, like robbing a house or robbing a drug dealer,

you go deaf. You hear a z-z-z, like that's all I would hear. Like, your heart is pounding so much. There's so much adrenaline going into your body that that's what you hear. You kind of hear a simulation of what Michael heard on that train. Deanna and I went to the store.

My wife made chicken collards for lunch. She went to church. She made chicken collars. When she came back, I had like two chicken colors. Like four or eight two chicken colors. Because what do you want for dinner? She gave me the menu for dinner. I was like, you know what?

Don't worry about it. I got to go to the store anyway. I'll stop at Joe's pizza and get dinner. I'm just going to slice. I got, had 14 points left. So I get to the comedy store of the yard night. Some dear kid that I've known for 20 years was talking to me. I really couldn't hear him, even with the hearing aids on.

I couldn't hear him, and to be honest, I didn't want to hear him. There's nothing to talk about. When I walked in, there was two boxes in Joe's pizza. On the piano, in the main room. I didn't eat. In the green room. In the green room. Yeah.

I didn't touch them. Right. You know, and I remember going on stage and getting it over with it. Then when I came back, I could hear the kid. Now I could have a conversation. Right. Why are you talking to me? Right.

I'm about to go to war. Yeah. What are you talking about? What? All I can hear, he sounded like Charlie Brown. Brub, blah, blah, blah. And he kept talking until he finally got it, that this guy doesn't want to be bothering or he's not even hearing.

Yeah. Like, I'm going up in the main room. I got no time for small talk. Right. I don't give a fuck about whatever the fuck. met when I go to the I did a guest spot on your show in St. Louis four years ago and you're supposed to remember I got to jog my memory about somebody it's like if I if I remembered you it means you were memorable if I don't remember you let's not rehash something that wasn't that important

in the first place that's why I hate doing two shows because I want to talk to the people after the first show the crowd but if you have a second show you really can't yeah because that's an hour of a quick all of a sudden it's fucking jeopardy right You know, it's Wesley. Do you remember what you said in episode 274, the Rogan podcast? Why did you say this on Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast? Just take the picture and shut your fucking mouth. I don't even know what the fuck I just said on stage and you want to know.

What's what the fucking questions? Take the fucking picture here. And then they get the camera out and the fucking lock is on. The girlfriend's trying to open it. She doesn't know the code. Yeah, but so you just waited eight minutes. Yeah. With your stupid fucking question,

which I have no idea what you're saying. We're in a room with 300 people on the line waiting to take pictures. I got no fucking idea what you said. Yeah. Come over here. Let me put my arm around you. Let me give you a compliment. Take a picture.

Let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah. And then they come back and they tell your stories. I can't fucking hear you. Even with the fucking earpiece, I can't fucking hear you. There's 300 people in the fucking room. So before I go on, like, I really, like the comedy store. After my little Netflix debacle, I made a decision I'm only going to the

comedy store and I have a did like tonight. I love my friends, but you know what? Leave me the fucking alone on Tuesday. You don't want to come to the store on a Tuesday night. It's chaos. It's chaos. It's two sold-out shows in the main room, one of the original room and three sold-out shows in the belly room. That's a total of 1,200 people in that building. Not to mention 100 comics lurking to suck on blood, or whatever the fuck they do down there. And the staff and the waitresses, you know, you want

to come down there on a fucking Tuesday night and talk? I wanted to bring you a script. You know what? Tuesday night's my work night. You know what I like about Tuesday night? What I told you that night when I called you when we saw magic that night. Right. I go in that, I get it. two waters. I fucking get high. I take an edible sometimes.

And I want to sit in the original room and watch the three comics before me. And I want to learn. And I don't want to be bothered. Guess what? Get the fuck out of here with your stupid fucking questions. Yeah.

I'm watching Ali Wong. Get the fuck out of here. Can I watch Ali Wong? It's okay. Yeah. You know, I like when I see you. You just sit next to me. We hug each other and we both watch and laugh.

Right, right. There's people that come, I never forget one night I'm sitting there mind in my own business and somebody bent over and whispering in my ear who you're taking

the Charlotte with you and I just gave him a look like Val Kilmer gave that white guy at the diner and heat remember when the guy's like man I had to go down and Val Kilmer looked at him like

what the fuck are you fucking talking about like I swear the guy I haven't seen this guy and he's a sweetheart of a guy Right. Sweetheart of a guy. Oh, and here's what I get. There's this female comic at the store.

And I'm outside and somebody goes, oh, you know, so-and-so. And I look at her, I go, I don't think we met. I'm Greg. And she goes, doesn't shake my hand. Yeah, we met before. We met before. And I've been a comic here for such and such amount of time. And I go, oh, sorry about that.

I just, you know, I don't have a great memory. I have fucking terrible memory. I have no facial recognition whatsoever and forget names. So that becomes her thing now. Every time I see her, she does this. Oh, yeah, you don't remember. Do you remember me this time? It's like, hey, look, sweetie, you know, I do my best.

Just because some people have photographic memories, you got a guy like Pat and Oswald. That guy can remember the fucking third track on a, you know, on a fucking Erosmith album that flopped in the 80s. And you know, there's every word to it. He can name every person that was on a show. I don't have that memory. I don't remember shit. So you're going to hold it against me? It's not that I don't like you.

You're perfectly fun. I watched her act. She was funny. Did I remember the first time I met her? No. Fucking let it go. I have a phenomenal long-term memory. Really?

Words, speeches. Like, there's times I'm reading a book. Like a crime book or something. And they describe a conversation. I always think about that conversation. How do you fucking remember something? that was set in the room 30 years ago. Right.

Guess what? I still remember specific conversations I had with people. Lines from movies. Oh, yeah. Lines from movies. I'm great. Ask me what I did yesterday other day before now. At this age, I'm starting to forget.

Yeah. When you go to the, you know, when you go on the road, you see some waitresses at some clubs. They're there every 18 months. You know, you go to the fucking funny bowl in Columbus. The manager with the glasses, she's great. She's been there for 30-something years.

Yeah. You know, so you record. Marcy. Marcy. The cook in Columbus, the big Blacksville. Right, right. You know, you just become, and, but have you ever gone to an improv and a waiter for the last four years?

You've gone to Miami, and he works in Miami. But all of a sudden he transfers to the University of Tempe. and you do Tempe and you see him, he throws your whole fucking week off. Yeah. Because you're like, I know this motherfucker, but you should be in Miami. Where's the rest of the...

I mean, that's the worst. Right. You know, we're at an age now where I try my artist. I try my artist. You know what? There's people I give hugs to and talk to,

and I don't know their names. I have to comedy store. Yeah. There's two guys in particular that I get them confused all the time. I just don't know. name far he my moire yeah I could say that all fucking day make him follow me when I'm on stage and you got to introduce him cannot bring yeah yeah yeah it's the most in bag he mom

mom war all fucking day long far he ma'm war bring me up on stage yeah when I go Jeff who's up next for him mom my insides crack yeah because I know or the worst is they just say fahim they don't tell you the last name and And then sometimes you space on the last night. Yeah, that I brought you up. I said an intro about you. Yeah. And as I was doing the intro, I almost forgot your name.

I'm just laughing. I did that to Eric. My, like my best open mic buddy, the first time I did the belly room, I forgot his name. As I was bringing him up, I thought it was just me. I'm glad to hear that you can still do it. Dude, I used to be, I used to be in an agency. And I had a few different agents. You know, they cover you.

One person does TV, one person for your writing, and another person books your stand-up. So you got three different agents at one agency. And the woman that booked my acting, which was not a lot, because I've never done a lot of acting, but she was my acting agent. I was trying to do more, you know, sitcom auditions and stuff. And she's black. And I'm walking down the hallway with my stand-up agent. And I see her and I go, hey, Robin, which is the assistant. I thought it was the assistant. I go, hey, Robin, which is the assistant's name. Now, it was the agent. And she goes, no, I'm the other black woman in the office, your agent.

And I was like, all right. And then I walked down the hall. I said to my stand-up agent, I go, I think I have to leave the agency. And I did. I switched to agencies. Why? Because she, the look in her eyes, she was so fucking, she was so pissed off. And I knew there was no recovery from it.

I was kind of halfway out the door anyway. I used it as an excuse, but it was awkward. Yeah. Why can't we wear a name tag? Yeah, I love that. I've been terrible at names. That was my, when I was a kid, I worked at movie theaters and CVS and you had name tags. And then I went to restaurants, no name tags.

I worked at, like, it's, it's, it's, there's so many people. It's not even just because you guys, imagine being a teacher when you got, oh my God. You know, when you got five different classes a day coming in, 30 kids in each. It's 150 kids you got to learn fast. Because by week three, you've got to know these fucking kids' names. You know, there's like parent-teacher conferences where these parents all come in. They want to know how their kids doing. What does he look like?

Is he the one with the clunky glasses or the acne? I don't know. He seems to be doing all right. I don't know his name. What a shame that it's, I wouldn't get mad at somebody if I still remember. being an open micer and an MC and fucking up a credit and a comic just destroying me. Yeah. And me wanted to knock the motherfucker out, but he had every right to, but you were bombed anyway.

I wouldn't want them to remember my name. You know what I'm saying? You bombed anyway. What was the? They get off stage all mad of you. You fucked up. I was on NBC, not ABC. Yeah.

Doesn't matter You were playing a fucking You closed with a Tina Turner fucking song You know what are your chances What are your chances You're going to the deep murky waters Of a cruise ship Yeah

Where you're headed You're not in nowhere Knock it off Those are the people That I've never forgotten These people And also taught me how to treat comics Like now when comics come up to me

Mr. Diaz what do you want us to say? Nothing and their faces just dropped. You say nothing? Nothing. Yeah. Really? I studied you at Wikipedia.

I know everything. Nothing. And then afterwards, they're like, thank God. You know, there's my eighth time on stage. I was all nervous, and I'm like, I'm not here to make you nervous. But I remember working with comics that came their purposely to make me nervous.

And I think about them now, and that's why they ended up zeros. Yeah. Because they would abuse the feature and the fucking MC. You don't have to say nothing about me, Yeah. I know I remember being at your level and having a hard time remembering what I had to say.

Yeah. Now I got to remember the scene on the crocodile hunt with A&E. The show's not even on anymore. Right, right. Nobody cared. There was a different generation. Yeah. Yeah.

They're already here. They're sitting in their seats. They're going to watch. You know, I work. I hope you don't think I'm cynical, people, but sometimes you have to be honest with you. I start as a host just to let people know at a broker. It was called The Broker Inn, and it was Tribbles Colorado run. So Tuesday was Boulder.

What a great start to a week. You're like, I'm in heaven. Oh, from there, Wednesday you got off, and Thursday you went to Craig, Colorado. And on the call sheet for the week, like they would fax you, the call sheet for the week, it would have Tuesday, October 8th, Boulder, they would have the address, contact.

Steve Harvey, you know, to get one room and one voucher for a free meal, pick up partial payment. You'll pick up $65. And then for Craig, it would go, Craig Colorado, a Buckhill Hotel. The bar is six miles from the VFW Hall, and it would go, but it would be outlined in red. And it said, this room is active. if bottles erupt or violence

run back to the L-time like the club manager like I'll never forget that Thursday was Gunnison and Saturday was Friday was Gunnison and Saturday was Colorado Springs or something but the point I'm getting to is

when you work those triple runs and again I'm not taking away from anybody you work with a lot of frustrated headliners especially from here I worked with Doug Stanhope as a feature there. I worked with maybe out of all those days, 28 years ago,

because this is when I had this job, my first two years of comedy. Still in the business today, I think there's maybe three of them. Whether they were feature acts, my age, there was three of them. And they're still in that same circuit, those three guys?

They're still around. No, no, no, no. Stanhope is still around. And there's one guy who was really hot because it just wasn't for broken down LA comics. It was also for comics on the upswing that wanted to work out material. So we got a lot of San Francisco guys that were really good young comics. But half the month, there was guys that they would walk in and tell you, how long you've been doing it, kid, six months, quit now.

To get to L.A., you've got to suck dick, you got to be, it's run by faggots. Yeah. You know, they did, but they were just, and you could see that they were just broken men. Yeah. You could, even at that point, I would cater to them and be nice to them. But I could tell, like, that's where I met the guy that replaced Chico and the man. Oh, yeah? What do you think he felt like?

He went on to become a great script writer. Uh-huh. And he went on to teach acting class and stuff like that. But when I met him, he was in that transition. Like, he was a big shot at the store. you know, he was on NBC and now he was working on triple runs. And that's a card hold, you know,

that's a cold, hard reality of this business. And you look at, you know, it's just a weird age. My age right now, our triple run guys. Like, I was working with a lot of guys in my age now that I was in L.A. for 20 years and you've got to be a fucking faggot.

Yeah. You've got to suck dick and you got to do it. All the excuses. Mitsy Shaw doesn't know what she's doing. Yeah. But Freebie. made me audition eight times to a catcher and then you watch their act

and you're like, are you fucking kidding me? Right. People put so much more effort into where they are, who's holding them back, what they need to do to get their social media and not any on their fucking writing of their acts. It was such an education

to meet the different. I'm going to tell you who else was very good. One of the headline is that did the best job ever. Tony something. He would proclaim to be Bill Hicks's sponsor, Tony Vissage. Okay. He came into that broken one in the hour and took the fucking roof off.

I bumped into a me as late and I gave him a big hug because he was very encouraging. He was Bill Hicks' alcohol sponsor before my Hicks died. And he was around. He lives in Houston. I think he's still around Texas, Tony Vissage. But besides, he. that all those comics disappeared yeah i remember when we had the two-year anniversary it was a big young comic from san francisco who was very witty and very smart and when i moved to l.a i bumped into him

he lived around the block from me and his roommate was one of those fucking knuckleheads that's still around here he's working something he's got to be doing something dumb but he made a mistake one that we were at the store and i had been at the store maybe three years And in those days, they used to have a room in Orange County on Thursday nights. It was like an hour drive from here. It was a dinner theater. Do you remember that 20 years ago? No, I wasn't around.

How long have you been in town? 20 years, but I didn't start at the store. No, no, no, no, no. About 20 years ago, there was a room in Orange County that was a dinner place. Oh, I thought it was one of the store locations. In fact, I did it with Rogan about 10 years ago. Uh-huh. 20 years ago was very fucking popular it was Thursday night you had to take the 405

north and cut somewhere I don't remember where it was and you had yeah the 405 south and then you had to take off like it was like an hour fucking drive but it was big time to get that gate like the guy who booked it and left the other club Igbies right whoever was booking Igbees was now the Booker down there. And it was a place that served you dinner. It was a dinner theater place. But on Thursdays, they did comedy.

And I mean, everybody went down there. And I remember... I don't know. Talking about a guy at the store approached you? Approached. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'll never forget that that was the... He was sunk away in charge with booking that room.

That's why he would go to the store on Friday night. Okay. And I'll never forget that one night. He was buying Coke from... And so was I. And while we were standing, buying the coat from Chewy, Chewy said to me, Joey, that was a hell of a spot tonight. I go, thank you, Joey.

And the kid made a remark. He goes, I could follow him. And about a month later, they booked me in that room, and he had to follow me. And it was, if you think I buried Jalapato at the store, this was even worse. This kid was reaching. when he got off stage,

he threw chairs and complained about me. And I reminded him. But at night, you said you could follow me. You learned a big lesson. He's still around. He's a half a moutage.

I think he's given Hollywood tours. You know what I'm saying? Like, if you go to Hollywood... He's wearing a costume. Yeah. If you go out of Hollywood tour at two in the afternoon, he's got a red shirt on.

You want to see where David Spade lives? Get the fuck out of here. You'll suck my dick. I'll never forget him make a little bit. that stupid remark and it had to be 1999 yeah like he just made a stupid he goes I bet I could follow him right I'm just not a regular at the store because mitty like he he wanted to be a regular he would hang out down there and then give regular shit for being regular yeah yeah there's no

better feeling I remember starting out with rogan and Boston there was there was a couple guys that had that attitude towards us and then that was that was all we did was it made you stronger it made you go I'm gonna fucking bury that guy so Oh, yeah. That was the greatest motivator to write new shit and to work on your edge and work on, you know, taking on an audience and figuring out how to get inside them, get inside them and fucking explode them from the inside,

you know, to make contact with them. As a young comic, all you're doing is you're throwing shit at them. You're just like a, it's a slap fight. You're not getting through. And then you start to develop your voice and then you start to develop your confidence and then you start to develop your understanding of what a crowd is.

And then suddenly you find your way in. You find your way to connect to them in a way that they go, oh, this guy's in charge. They give over and you're the alpha. And then you start to learn how to take that energy and fucking explode that crowd.

And you can't, that takes time. It takes getting grounded on stage and not being afraid to bomb so you can take that risk to really show them who you are and connect. And that's when you're, that's when you blow a guy off the stage.

When you talk about Rogan, what year were you guys talking about? 89, started around 89. And you guys were not part of the clique at all? Well, Rogan was not at all. He was in no click at all. And I was, I played around with like Catcher Rising Star, had like David Cross, Louis CK, Janine Detulio, Ginny Garofalo, some of the like alternative people.

And some people that were John Groff, who's like one of the biggest show runners in LA now, people that Brian Kylie, people that are great writers, were hanging out of Catch Rising Star. And there was a guy there, Robin Horton, who was like curating that vibe.

It was in Harvard Square. So you had all these Harvard kids coming in. And it was like David Cross did a thing called Cross Comedy, where it was, do you ever see Mr. Show that he did with Bob Oden Kirk? It was the predecessor to Mr. Show.

So it was sketches mixed with some stand-up and, you know, connecting sketches to, to each other in sort of like tangential ways. It was interesting. And I used to do spots over there. Rogan would never be caught dead over there. And they couldn't stand him.

He couldn't stand them. And he kind of went out and he wasn't, he wasn't into it to make friends. He was into it to try to destroy. And I was like, him and I were tight. We were going out on gigs together like Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, every night. never a fucking hotel.

You would drive five hours up to Maine and they would hand you some cash at the end of the night, get back in the car in a fucking snowstorm and drive back to Boston. So we spent a lot of time in cars together. And so we were tight and there was a bunch of guys,

Tom Cotter was part of our clique. Tom Cotter and Aldous charm and a guy named Mike McDonald who's down in Florida now. And we were more of like Kinnison fans, I think, and Hicks fans. And I think those guys were more like,

you know, maybe Stephen Wright fans. And so, but then you had the guys that were the standards of Boston, Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney, and Lenny Clark, these guys never left Boston, but they could go, you put their name up in front of, when we were starting out, there were six full-time clubs in downtown Boston.

I'm talking, seven nights a week hot crowds sold out it was fucking we were the luckiest comics in the world it's like Malcolm Gladwell talks about you know in outliers how you know whether

whether or not the beat you know the Beatles started out because the happenstance of being able to play in Hamburg Germany where they had to play for six hours a night and they did it for weeks at a time for years at a time and that's how they got they say you got to do 10,000

hours before you get great at something. And we were in Boston playing in front of these great crowds downtown. Then we go out on the road and play tough saloons. Hacklers, you know, working class factory people in Worcester, Massachusetts that were broke, drinking

fucking punch out of those giant bowls with straws. The Aku Aku Aku. I didn't know you knew that place. Fuck yeah. No shit. I performed there. Oh, fuck. It was hysterical because every time I did it, I tell it with Tony V. Yeah, the greatest.

And it was an experience because he said to me, we play a game up here called Count the Pute things, the Pukes circle. Because Aco Aco would give you the punch bowl. Scorpion bowl. The food was delicious. The brown rice and the shrimp and lobster sauce on fire. And then you'd go up and perform,

but by the end of the night, three people would puke. Oh, yeah. And it would be egg roll powder and the cabbage mixed with fucking pineapple juice and it would stink to all hell. And the Chinese guy would have the, they don't have them no more rollers. It was like a box with a brush that sucks stuff like Puerto Ricans use them and shit. And like you can't fucking use them if you have like confetti because they don't pick up confetti.

These Chinese guys would be pissed. I did the Aku Aaku Acku 10 times. from I loved it. Oh, it's some fucking greatest. I loved it because Stanhope was from Worcester. Yeah. And I loved it because of the vibe it had. Yeah.

Like when I first read about the Boston scene about, like I never, like Joe Rogan had Nick Lenny and. Lenny Clark and his brother Mike Clark. I haven't listened to it yet. Yeah. But I loved all that. Like listening to all those stories, like he told me a story that you guys used to play softball.

Yeah. He still around this playing with Janine Garofalo. Yep. Him get into an argument with fucking the joke, the check bouncer, Faberito. He's bouncing checks now. I heard in Vegas, yeah. No, Boston. He's back in Boston?

They chased him out of Vegas. Went to Boston. Started booking rooms. First week, Frank Santorini. Sanarelli. And the soprano showed up with the sunglasses. Boom, bounced the check on him. And it's been all downhill ever since.

Before you know of any Favorito. be doing open mics in fucking Massachusetts. Because he got bounced out of Boston. That's why he was in Vegas. He was teaching classes to comics. Right. And he collected all the fucking money. He took all the money. Then he came out here. Yeah, left with the money without teaching the

class. He didn't teach the class. The story about the benefit. Yeah, I heard that one too. Where the fucking the waitress had the benefit. This is all allegedly. No, this is the people who told me were right on. Right.

Remember, this is Club 56. The owner was the old Jew. Used to be called Chickland up on Route 93 North. What next to what's what's where's where's fucking Jay Leno from? I don't know. This was the town that Nancy Carrigan was from. Andover. Andover.

Right. Andover, Mast. Yeah. That's what Jay Leno's from. Oh, is he? And it was grilled 93. What was the restaurant? Chickland.

Before Chickland. Oh, I can't remember. From 99. to 2002, it became, he did a great job of their booking comedy. John Tobin? No, no, no, no. It was this Jewish guy. Oh, yeah?

And there was Dick Dardy, there was this club 56, and then there was that place downtown, the famous place. And on Mondays... Nick's comedy stop? No, the bigger one. Comedy connection? Yes, and on Mondays I would go down there, and the really cool guy would host,

the Irish guy, God rest in soul. he's dead. Oh, Kevin Knox? Kevin Knox. And that was my route. Yeah. No shit. No shit.

I was going up there as a feature act. Dude. And I would Thursdays, a kid up there would get me like a gig in the neighborhood. And then Fridays and Saturdays, I would do 56. Sundays, they'd get me something in New Hampshire by the airport or something. Yeah. And then Monday I would stay and go to the county connection. Yeah.

And the guy with the gambling problem. Vinnie Favorita? No. The other guy with the manager there had a gambling problem. Billy Downs? Whatever managed that play? Of Paul Barclay? Yes.

Whatever manager that place had a gambling problem. Yeah. The guy who got me into Boston was the guy that was an attorney that came out here. Oh, Paul DiAngelo. Paul DiAngelo is the one who made the call for me. Right. Who's the gay guy from Boston? Really good looking was out here for a while.

good friends are Chris McGuire sweetheart Jimmy La Letta Jimmy La Letta Yeah They were all regulars at the store Yeah great guy What's the other guy that used to dress up like Dracula

Oh Dom Figg Dominic Figg Yeah He's still he only comes on around Halloween now Yeah yeah You got a Facebook message I'm back if you want to hire me Let me tell you about the Aco Aco and Worcester

I remember I used to play with Billy Burr Billy used to back when he was Billy. He used to open for me. Little squeaky voice, Billy Burry. He was fucking sweet. He wasn't as aggressive as he is now. He was just a sweet kid. What year is this?

93, 94 maybe. And I drive out with him one week and I go up. There's a place called Cheapies Donuts across the street from the Aku Aaku. And I just remember the name because I thought, when you're shopping for donuts is cost Is that big on your list That they're cheap donuts You just buy some fucking donuts So I buy a dozen donuts

Because I know how bad The Late Show Friday is Right? So I figure I'll give out some treats I'll keep them fucking focused So I go up there And I go up And I do this bit

I used to have this bit Where it was I would read a deadbeat Father's Day card Written to a Deadbeat Dad So I'm reading the card And some guy in the back stands up And he goes Hey I'm a deadbeat dad

And I don't appreciate that And so a guy in front of him turns around and he goes, Shut up and sit down, asshole. Now, two parties of Worcester guys. Fucking hair slick back. They still got their varsity jackets on, even though they're in their 40s. They're drinking those fucking scorpion bowls.

And they collapse on each other like a rugby match. And shit, tables are flying. People are throwing fucking plates. They call the police. And I stay on stage. I'm calling it like a fight. He hits him with the left. Oh, he's down.

Watch out for the Scorpion Bowl. Oh, he's got you back, brother. Don't worry about it. Smitty's here. And they keep fighting. The fight went on so fucking long that the police showed up and the fight was still. It was like a seven-minute fight. Just rolling around the room.

And they had those xylophone doors. They broke through the xylophone door. And then they start dragging guys out. The donuts didn't help. And then they don't know. So then they all fucking leave. And now the crowd is in disarray. And people's drinks are knocked over.

And I just start handing out donuts. I'm like it's gonna be alright everybody we're gonna I got 20 minutes left we're gonna finish this shit up and then like you said before chicken the front row throws up on the stage oh my god just when you think it couldn't get worse she throws up on the stage everybody threw up there everybody threw up they guaranteed three throw-ups yeah the Chinese waiters they're like used to it yeah I was gonna add did they card back then or was that like high school kids no it was a mix of underage kids and you know Worcester's like a dilapidated, like defunct factory town. All those factories are out of business, and a lot of people are in welfare. It's taking a tick up lately.

They're coming back. But it was a sad fucking place. Just big brick factories with no fucking smoke coming out of those smoke stacks. They're cold, cold factories with sad people. I've got to be honest with you. For a guy like me and you're going to be in shock when it, At the time, being a regular at the comedy store and being able to perform in Boston, I thought that was a movie star.

Yeah. Once I had accomplished those two things, even if it was an open mic at the comedy. Connection. Connection. That was one of my all-time favorite. Yeah, that was a fucking. It was in the top of annual hall, right? That was, yeah.

That was. You could rock that place. I still remember going there for the week. and went Rogan and just being in heaven, just eating downstairs. Yeah. Going across the street to the hotel. We did a two-day stint where all we did was me, him, Eddie,

and that's what, you know, I mean, God bless him, we were broke. Yeah. Joe would pay for everything. We were eating lobster claws, that fear factor money. We were tearing that shit out, Jack. That fee was taken care of all of us with that fear factor money. And it was just... And there was a lot of the fact of the money.

A lot of coke floating around in those days. Both nights I disappeared. In those days, once Joe got off the show, the second he'd go, where's Dias? Fuck, he left again. They would start to, because I didn't have a call or phone. I would have a pageer. Yeah. My page would be blowing up.

I'd just turn it off. I'd put no bother in the room. I'd get back from a hotel and make me change rooms. So Rogan would think I was in 2018, that'd make them change me room. Because I don't want nobody knocking on my door. I would disappear. Dude, they used to pay people in Coke. They'd give you a $100 packet

a Coke after you set. And guys, we'd do it at the bar. There was not making this up, and there's a film about it. It's called When Stand Up stood out, and it's about Boston back in the 80s. Where is it? Where is it at?

Because I saw it. It's on YouTube. I think you're watching on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy, Franz Alameda made it. Yes. And it's about how much Coke was around in those days, and that the comics actually staged a protest, because the club owner told them at the old comedy connection,

which was on Warrington Street, told them they couldn't do lines at the bar while the show was going on. But they wanted to watch the other comics because they were all doing new shit every night fucking around and they wanted to see each other and do blow. And they told them they couldn't, and so they picketed.

They refused to do the club. And they had to give in and go, all right, fine. You guys can do coke at the bar. I'm not sure if that's in the movie, but it's about that time. Now, while you're up there with Rogan, Dane Cook's already at the Comedy Connection. He was an improv. He did stand up in front of an intro propped, I heard.

Yeah, they were called, they were called, God, I can't remember the name. But it was Bobby Kelly and Dane and I think one other kid. Might have been two other kids, but it was definitely Bobby and Dane. Something in the Monkeys, Al and the Monkeys, it was called. and they used to go up and they were silly because like the thing about Boston

is you really could do anything because it was a closed community so there wasn't a lot of people that came to town like you're a rarity not many people were brought into Boston it was very rare I had to beg that guy he paid me

break even money because he goes I'm loaded with features what do I need you for yeah so you're in a world where you have to be different than the other hundred comics in town if you had the same voice

of somebody else, they'd come down on you. It was not acceptable. So it forced people to develop their own thing. And so Alan the Monkeys was like the only sketch group I'd ever seen in Boston. Nobody else did it. And so, and then they branched out and started doing their own thing. But I think they felt, they felt hacky. But I thought they were funny. You know, they were goofballs. That's just a great, you know, looking back, like, that was just a great scene of town. You, Dane Cook, Janine. Bill Burr, Patrice O'Neill. Patrice was in Boston, too?

Louis C.K., yeah. Louis C.K., Mark Marin. And Marin was already a veteran. Well, Marin, Maren, Dave Cross, Louis, they all started about two years ahead of me and Rogan. And then me and Rogan's class was like, Us, Billy was a couple years after us. Bobby Kelly was a couple years after us. Patrice was a few years after us. And then there were guys, like I said, so many guys that went out to be big writers. Brian Kylie, who I think is the best writer I've ever met, has been writing monologue jokes for Conan since day one.

Every fucking day for 25 years. That dude shows up, sharpens his pencil, and writes 50 fucking monologue jokes. and he's a machine. And you've got to read his Twitter feed. Brian Kylie. K-I-L-E-Y. Check out his Twitter feed. Fucking golden jokes every day. And he came out of that.

Like I said, Jonathan Groff came out of that. And then you got, you know, guys that never left, but that are some of the comics I consider the best comics I've ever seen. Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney,

Lenny Clark, you mentioned him before. Tony V. Mike Donovan. Guys that fucking destroy that are craftsmen, that have beautiful jokes, timing, and they have personas that are unlike anybody you've ever seen before. So crowds in Boston are always good. To this day, it's my best market. I go back, I sell out all my shows, rocking crowds.

It's still an amazing place to do stand up. I'm interested to see what you think happened because I'm from there. And I remember early high school, they still had the comedy connection on top of annual hall. But then that closed, and through college, there was literally nothing. Like, I left before left Boston opened. So, like, it seemed like there was, like, a 10 years or something where there was literally not a comedy club. Yeah, there was a guy that came in, and I'm not going to say his name, but he had one of the bigger clubs, and he started running the other clubs out of business on purpose.

He was buying up a lot of advertising in the local paper, telling comics if they worked the other place, they couldn't work his place, bringing it out of town, head. Headliners changed the whole table reset the table Change the scene and started paying the opening acts the feature acts no money at all and so a lot of good comics left town because of that or just stopped doing it It was bad it was bad for the city but now the city's having a resurgence guy named John Tobin who runs Laugh Boston is fucking great dude Knows comedy and he goes back to that club you were talking about to grill 93 Yeah the the the um uh

What was it called? The club we were talking about before. Club 56. Yeah, yeah. He was, he started out as a door guy there. Then he became the manager. Then he started booking clubs downtown. And now he's got rooms all over the place.

He's got a room in Worcester. He's got one in Springfield. He's got one in, I think, Cape Cod. And he's opened him all over the place. And this guy's really fucking sharp. And so there's been a real good bounce back. Well, you have an interesting, like I loved my open mic story. Like, I loved it.

Yeah. Like, look them back. on it, I really enjoyed myself. Like I had in Denver, remember, I got on stage when Roseanne was the queen, and she had just left Denver maybe

four years. So Denver was hot. Roseanne left heat. You know, people were looking at Denver. You had Steve McGrew. Yeah. Who at the time, you know, he just missed the boat. He was just too late for the boat on so many different levels,

but he had three different hours. You work with Steve McGrew in one week. He has three different hours. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah. You know, so it was Todd Jordan and Rick Cairns, and they had this big thing going. You got the Comedy Works.

You know, once I got banned from the Comedy Works was forced my hand to go to Seattle. That's why I hooked up with Josh Wolf and Brody Stevens. And that was a scene that it made me who I am today. That Comedy Underground was a... phenomenal club. Right. And it's so weird, you look back and you see that Josh Wolf is still in the business.

And, you know, Brody would have still been in the business. I mean, you look at the percentages. I mean, with you, you know, Patrice O'Neill, God rest is so. But it's Patrice, Burr, Dane, Robert Kelly, Rogan, Janine, still doing something. Yeah. David Cross, they always throw him a fucking show that's going to get canceled. Right. You know.

Marin. Yeah. Solid. Louis. Louis solid. You know. And the generation before us, you had fucking Stephen Wright. You had, you had Jay Leno, Paula Poundstone, Kevin Meaney.

Lenny Clark. Lenny Clark. Lenny Clark was Dice pushed me on stage. Lenny Clark taught me how to add class. Like I saw that picture of him Rogan and his brother. Yeah. And I still remember I used to shop at fashion bar when I was a car sales They had you know suits and then they had off the rack I bought off the rack

I became friends of the guy the guy's name was Bob Shultz great guy Jewish guy from Brooklyn Always had a Jew story always had a great racist fucking black joke I remember being a friend of them when the blacks went to war with the Jews in the Bronx and like 93 and I never forget going into fashion bar and there were white people all over and he's like thank God we're beating up those fucking whatever they call black people he was just yelling at in Boulder

he goes there we're fucking fucking fucking them up and like I don't know some part of Bushwick somewhere in Brooklyn blacks got into it with Jews and he was talking about it but anyway make a long story short oh I know what it was it was when that Jewish guy got 92 he got chased through the streets

he got hit by a car died and then it was like race wars out. It wasn't Bushwick. It was out by Coney Island. What's that area? Whatever. Whatever. Yeah, yeah. It was 91. 92. And when I saw him go off, I took a liking to him.

Yeah. I always bought off the rack there. When I saw Lenny Clark and his Rodney Dangerfield special, I had just gotten separated. We were just talking about the steer day and I didn't give a fuck. I went and then I went, Bob, take the card,

today were going over to the real suits and I bought like four fucking suits at the time 1987 let's say there was 600 apiece and I started wearing suits because of Lenny but I started bombing even more yeah like I was on a bombing streak you know I'm saying I'm doing comedy three years I see Lenny inspires me to take it a different way now I'm doing a combination of dice Lenny and Kennison and I'm sprinkling in the little in there right and I still got the prior element going but I pushed the Lenny as much as I could with the suit but the percentage of bombings I had a notebook in those days and I remember every time I wore a suit it was just bombed yeah bomb bomb bomb are you logged

how you did each time you know after okay I had to have if you know anything about me I'm captain fucking records yeah everything gets logged in how much I got paid who else went on stage how the joke I did tried or I would write fuck you you suck quit you're just a sack of shit criminal you're never going to amount anything yeah I mean I would just torment myself you still have all those notebooks yeah shit I would love to read through those missing uh I'm missing 97 through 99 that's when I my car got code okay they took like two years of notebooks yeah and those are really interesting because those are my first two years all right

and what I was feeling and I would write like I would I would be brutally honest would you write down if you'd done coke that night or anything you could see it in the handwriting yeah yeah when he's logging in at 430 in the morning you see the ink fuck it no no it was no there was no computer everything was done by hand yeah all these notebooks were October 8th comedy store Sam triply show I and then I would put 15 minutes. I tried a new joke, but I bombed. What do I expect? How much work do I put into this? I suck. 10 o'clock show. I did a lot better. I redeemed myself. It's time you put a little bit more effort into this. I got paid 15 bucks, Sam Tripoli, Kevin Fitzgerald, and the lease I at were on

the show. I just, just to cover my ass. Somebody once told me, just, just, whatever, just is a lot. And then at the end of the month, I would take the page and go, I did 22 sets. My goal for next month is 27 sets. I did 26 sets. I bombed 21 times. I did okay three times. If I don't pick this number up by this date, I should just shoot myself. I was that honest.

Yeah. Well, they say success comes from writing down your goals. That's the thing you're going. I read every day, every day. All the time you read that. Right down your goals. When I walk in the door at 10 o'clock at night, whether my wife is up, the baby, that's fine. I'm 56, and I still have the same habit I had 10 years ago.

Even without the Coke, I'm doing the same things I did at night when I walk in from doing a set that I did only except the Coke. So I walk in, I pee. I wash my hands. I get the comedy store off of me. I, you know, whatever, I get a beer. I get not a beer, but I get like a water. I'll do a few bong hits. And then I'll open up that notebook.

That's the first thing I do. There's nothing else you have to do. Yeah. Go to the notebook. Go to the set list you had that you were going to do. That new joke you were going to try? I didn't try it. So now you have something to complain about.

Yeah. So tonight I'll write October 8, Sam, Triple E's show. I'll write what he paid me. I did. And then the original room show, obviously the set's going to be different. So I'm going to write what I did differently. And once I do that,

then I go to the journal side of the notebook and I close out my day. How was my day today? I did this. I did this. I spent time with my family. You know what I'm saying? Just to always keep that dialogue.

Right. That's great. You know, at this point right now, the performance is there. You know, I could still bat 327 on any given night. I just need to write. You know, I don't have to perform as much as I had to 10 years ago.

I could just write and get the same result. But this is what works for me now. When I was, you know, when you first got into it, I didn't watch TV for the first 10 years of comedy. I didn't even know what the TV was. I watched MTV in the daytime. At night, I didn't know. And you watch Seinfeld?

Yeah, I know. I remember never seeing Seinfeld and everybody was talking about it. I never watched Frank. watch TV that's right friends yep never saw an episode of friends if you're a real comic you don't know anything yeah what's on tv if you're real yeah you have no idea and you missed your cousin's wedding and you missed your buddy's 30th birthday party you don't know in the cape you didn't do that's really weird when you try to still try to be normal during an open mic because you can't yeah because you have to force your principles to think that way like everything's done like what are you like

what are you doing saturday november 14th Your uncles are getting together. Good. Send them to go fuck themselves. Yeah, right. I'm not going. And the thing is, is it wasn't even a discipline.

It was just, in my mind, going to Long Island to my cousin's wedding just never felt like, no, but I'm getting spots to stand up New York. They're giving me fucking three spots on a Saturday night. I used to drive from New York, from Boston. I would finish my sets on a Saturday night at the Aku Aaku and Worcester.

Late show, get off stage at midnight. I'd get in the car and I would drive three and a half hours. I would get to New York at 3.30 in the morning. I'd crash on friends' couches. Always a hassle. Calling friends, hey, can I stay at your place? Can I stay at your place? Waring out the fucking welcome at all your friend's places.

Having nights where you couldn't find a place to stay. And so you go down and you get a hotel that you can't afford. And you stay there all so you can hang out of the club and maybe get a spot. 1.30 in the morning. I did that for two years. And when I finally broke in and I moved to New York and I was getting three, four, five sets a night, 100 bucks a spot and I get invited to a cousin's wedding in Long Island, not even a thought, not even an option. I'm so fucking excited to do those shows. It's everything. It's sexual. It's physical. It's mental. It's creative. It's this inflow of

energy and acceptance from the crowd that you've never had before and you're doing it in the most romantic city in the world you're in fucking New York City on the pavement hail and calves to get across down and run in do a set

get out grab a bagel and a light and sweet coffee from a deli go down to the village walk past fucking homeless people and street musicians so you can duck into the basement of a club pull out your piece of paper before you go on do your new shit

at the end of the night you got fucking 600 bucks cash in your pocket and you're at a friend's couch knocking at the door at fucking two in the morning. Hey guys. Hey, how was your night? It was great. I fucking did six shows.

I want to hear every detail. They think it's the most fascinating thing. That or sit at a table with a friend of the bride and make small talk? Oh. Come on. This goes back to the end of the main room and I said, I have to be honest with you people. You know, it's like people who don't have kids really don't understand until you have a kid, you know. Then you get it.

I still remember Ralphie telling me, I can't meet you until I have to stay home with the kids. I mean, like, what are you talking about? You Ralphie Mae. Fuck your kids. I regret that so much now. Yeah. Because I'm so the opposite. Let me tell you, son.

I'm telling you, Lee, and the people in fucking podcast, Phil. in reality when I was 20 I really didn't if you really think I gave a fuck boy were you wrong

at 56 with a child I really don't give a fuck like I really don't give a fuck it's so weird and that's why we started this conversation off with the you know why the security

is it that I don't belong there I don't know. Like whenever I see like pictures of the old comedians, what's that fucking guy's name? That was an analyze that that played the gangster. He's an old time guy. He was also in casino. He tells the old guy if he-

Bobby Slayton? No, Bobby Slayton was in casino. Wasn't he? No. He was the old guy that told Alan King. Oh yeah, yeah, right. Alan King always hangs out of the friars.

He looks like a friarist guy. He was the dean. Right, he looked like it. Every time I see him. He's got like that I don't know It just has And I'm not insulting you anyway

Greg This is how I feel It just It just wouldn't be a place That I'd fit in I don't know why But I know that going in It's like this weed

Cafe Yeah I don't fit in there But Alan King When my dad died After being a member of the Friars Club For fucking 30 years

That place Wept for him Alan King Did the memorial For my dad He hosted it And he got up and he cried talking about my dad. It was beautiful.

So what did your dad do? He was a radio guy. No shit. Up in Boston, New York. He was a Bronx guy, spent his entire life living in New York. And he did. So I must listen to him. Yeah, I'm sure you did.

He was Sinatra. He played Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Vic Dumone, fucking Aretha Franklin. What station was it? W&W. Oh, please. Yeah. Yeah. And W and N.

W played rock. Well, there was FM and AM. He was on AM. Okay, the FM side. The FM side was. What was the girl's name? Oh, she's still around. Meg Griffin?

She had like that. Oh. Oh, Allison Steele. The night bird. Allison Steele. She was best friends with, what's her name from Jefferson Airplane? Grace Slick.

That was her best friend. The two of them were fucking the rock and roll kings in New York, Queens in New York. and she would do the that's the night out Allison Steele you know like I heard all those

like the only place like people always ask stupid questions on Facebook like what's the last reason would you want to get high with none of them you know none of wait who do you want to get high with

none of them like this people are don't you want to get high with Snoop Dog oh yeah I'm dying to get high with Snoop Dog give me a fuck alone grow the fuck up Don't you want to get high with DJ Kalino? It's on my bucket list. The fuck.

I don't want to get high with nobody. You're right. Let me the fuck alone. But I wish I could have a conversation with like Jackie Gleason. You know, like that's in a regular bar. Yeah. I don't need to belong to some fucking organization. You know what I'm saying?

I'm one of those guys. I just, the other day I took my daughter to swimming right here at No-Haw. So we have a Saturday class. We go to, and before I got there, my wife called me. She goes, you know, there's no parking. I'm like, what do you mean there's no parking? I pulled in, and there was a parking. When I parked right in there, I'm getting out of the car.

Some little Mexicans are saying, excuse me, excuse me, you know me, I played death. I don't stop for nobody. I just keep walking. I know the guy gave up. Yeah. He just let me park there. You don't know nothing. When he's yelling, you just keep walking.

He owned a joint. Excuse me. Excuse me. I just kept walking. I walked into the Y. I don't think his ice paperwork is up to date. So he couldn't go into the Y with me. Yeah, he's not going to dig in.

No, he couldn't dig in. So please. So what's that to do with not going to a club? I sit down and my wife goes, there's nobody. My wife is like the queen of panic. There's no part. parking anywhere. I'd say I'm parked right there. Yeah. She goes, well, the valet.

Who gets the fuck about the valet? Why do you fucking buy into this shit? And the guy behind her goes, oh, yeah, because it's next to the masons. So she goes, the guy goes, the Illuminati's having a meeting, so they rented out both parking lots. I go, you know what?

Those people are they can suck my dick. One night, me and we a stone to the gills with our friend. One of the great friends, gay guy, who was her Oh, the one you met with Boys Ahoy. Oh, yeah, right, right. Eric.

Yeah. He's my on the podcast. Okay, so we drive down 7-Eleven Street, whatever, that, that co-winger. We're just going to do something. We're going to eat pizza. We're going to do something. We're coming from the ice house, and we're driving, and they're all out there, the Masons, and there's a bunch of torches, and they're standing out in the front,

like saluting each other, whatever, the Nazi thing is. And all of a sudden, I beeped the hole, and I go. Who was I saying? Vote for me, suck my... Yeah, like... Vote for me, cuckers. And they all were like a shot. And the best part is he turned around and did it again.

I had to make a U-turn. And I like... And then stand up there, like, oh, yeah, I love this French souffle. And I'm like, beep, p, go fuck yourselves, your cock sucker. And they had them on the walking talkies. I was tormenting. We were howling.

I almost crashed the car. I was buying so much because white people can not handle that shit. When you beep with them. The Illuminati. I still remember being 18 and being in the car, my best friend, Roger. Okay. And he had a Chrysler, New Yorker, 1982, brand new.

We would cruise in the afternoon, and he was the king of beeping and saying shit to people at the bus stop. Ha-huh, you're hot, a cock sucker? Yeah. No, Aobalo next time.

Get immigration. He'd take off. Yeah. He'd just say things to people. All right. And I'll never forget to one day. We were driving, you know, all the time when your car stops,

like a car in front of your stops, and now everybody was like doing like eight. Everybody was doing 60. Now you're doing eight. It's because of family. was leaving and they were getting in the car and another family was waving to them like they're like okay yeah good luck i'll never forget roger pulling up the family going beep beep fuck you there was kids grandmas grandpas they're all waving and my friends like fuck you you motherfucker

these kids this an agent of chaos oh my god and i love see seeing people walk, Lealty. Yeah. I see you walk on Lancashim at night where you head down. I'll beep at you and say something to you. You gotta see people. The best is when he gets me high, and then he's on the highway, bebebing at people. Oh, when you be be able to the highway?

It's hysterical. On the 134. Yeah, there's not a lot of smart people on 134. Now, no. If you had it that way, you're pretty stupid fuck. Yeah. One way or another, you know what I'm saying? You fail to get on the 101 of the four.

Yeah, 405 is like the hip people, 101. They're the hip people. That's why they're entrapping. They got time to burn. If you're on the 134, you're in Retardville. You're going up by USC. They got to pay their kids to get into the school. Lynch Juan retired all of a sudden.

Because that's just going to go down. There's no bigger fucking payola school in USC. Oh, yeah. It's Hollywood fucking. Not just payola, but the legacy, you know, if your parent went, All of a sudden you get in automatically? What the fuck is that all about? How do I get knocked out?

I worked my ass off in high school. I joined the fucking model UN club, and I went to fucking Tokyo to debate global warming with a bunch of kids from around the world. Did you really? No, I'm just saying, like, if I'm that kid, if I wasted my fucking weekend so I could go and pretend I'm in the UN,

so I get credit towards college, get fucking straight A's. Not even A's anymore. You've got to get a 4.3. There's no more 4.0. Now it's like because when you take an AP class, you get extra points. And my kid, I'm doing it. Can I do the joke I'm doing on stage about it?

Can I do a joke? Do what the fuck you want? What am I. So my kid just got into college and, you know, I was actually kind of surprised because he's not that bright of a kid. He had all D's and C's, really low SAT scores. So we had to hire one of those fancy Hollywood college placement centers, $175,000. but he got into USC. He's on the rowing team,

which is exciting because he's never rowed before. And we just told him his Indian name is Him Row Slow. It never works, but I fucking love it. I do it every night. You had me there for a minute. You did pay an enrichment center $175,000. Listen, if you come to me with that scam, I'm dropping my daughter at Rouse.

You get the job because $1.75 to get you into the comic. It's not worth the fucking aggravate. It's really not. Now, there was just this article. We actually hired this woman. She works with a lot of kids. My kid went to Santa Monica High School, big public high school, very diverse. And so they actually look for kids from that school because they actually want diversity of states.

And they want specifically kids that can handle like that kind of community. So we hire this woman to cost two grand and she went out and she knows every fucking school in the country. She knows which ones have good professors, good programs. The ones that they give your kid an assessment test, figure out what his strengths are, help them find a major, locate schools that are a good value for the money and that are giving money to kids just because they're from certain types of schools. So we work with her for six months. She gave us a list of schools. Flew him out. Me and him would take these fucking weekends.

Boston one weekend. Chicago one weekend. New York one weekend. Philly one weekend. Having a blast. He's got fake ID. I'm taking him to bars. We'd go to whatever the college bar was for that college.

Because I said, I want you to see what your nightlife's going to be like. So we go in, me and him at a college bar. Fucking 53-year-old ball guy. Standing around while kids are doing jello shots. And my son has just taking it all in, talking to some girls, feeling it out. That's what we did every fucking weekend for like for like a month. It was great and So we found this school in Chicago to go to DePaul University Biggest Catholic school in the country DePaul the fall yeah great basketball

Yeah, they won the they they were in the finals the NCA is one year The division one school Kandin connection right that's what they were called that's right yeah They were all from Camden so he's got this school and they give a fucking chunk of money and it's not an expensive school but it's a great school and uh he's loving life he's fucking living it up he's up there he's got his roommates are uh he's got three roommates are all african-american half the floor is gay he's on a gay floor for whatever reason they put him on that and he's hanging out with these gay kids every night till three o'clock in the morning they're watching fucking

movie marathons or playing board games and then you know he goes out to boys town which is the gay area of chicago i go what you do last night he goes yeah i was out to i was out in boys town until four in the morning. I go, are you going to dance on the dark side, son? He's like, I don't know, dad. I'm like, I don't know. So he's getting a good education. He's living it up.

And you have a daughter also. Yes, she's 16. Okay, so now you have to go through this shit and a year and a half. Right, right, right. So welcome to it all over again. Yep. Yeah, this is what it's all about.

Yeah, the final stages. And I really applaud you because you've pulled it off. while doing your craft which a lot of people say fuck it I'm just going to raise my family and not do this shit you played the card the right way and I commend you for it

thanks man you looked around you saw kids of forgotten comics years ago and how fucked up they are you know when you talk to comics kids or they tell you there's something missing there and I didn't want that from my daughter at all either

I told her yesterday at the car there was a little problem yesterday at the at the self-defense school some little girl said something to one of the teachers and I asked don't need this I could be anywhere I could be in a Dodger game but I could be on the road making money

but I work my schedule the way I do to spend time with you we lose money guys like you and I'm telling you oh yeah yeah fuck Halloween today somebody's call me we need October 31st nope never work on Halloween Just cancel it.

Nope. I'm doing the David Spade show on the 30th up. Oh, nice. It's 1.30 in the afternoon. I'm back over the hill by 430. Right. Stop at Joe's pizza. You know what I'm saying?

It's right. They shoot in Hollywood. So that shit, I don't mind. But I'm not doing nothing on Halloween. Halloween, Valentine's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, school concerts, fucking plays. Mother's Day, Father's Day. Mother's Day.

I already got the, I looked at the year before. I put them all on dates. Right. And I ship them to age. You don't book on that day. There's no office. Don't even worry about it. But they want you to that day.

We'll tell them it's going to have to be a different day because it's Mother's Day. It's Father's Day. I chose this way. I could go on the road every fucking weekend like an animal. But you know what? I'd much rather her know who the fuck I am. Yeah. Yeah, you're a good dad.

You spent a lot of quality time with her. Hey, listen, I'm going to leave here now. Go run some errands. I'm back here doing a science podcast with her. You doing a what? I do a science podcast. With who? With my daughter.

No. Yeah, we, I don't put them up because it's fucking bad, but it's just her talking about science. On the microphone? Yeah, I put the earphones on. No shit. I make believe she's on CBS. That's fucking great. And her mind, she's on ESPN.

That's great. How old is she now? Oh my God. We go back and meet her and her mother watch it on the phone and mother downloads it. And we watch. Oh my God. Say you think kids watched it? Yeah.

How many views? Two million. Wow. So she thinks she's on fucking NBC. She's like, well, when do I start doing the Reads for Stamps.com? I started them. So I give it $20 a month. $5 a week.

Really? Yeah, I sponsor it. The church of what's happened now. You got to give $10 to your mother for the bank account and you keep 10. I love it. That's it. When you want us to your toy you want, you don't need us. You spend you got your own $10.

Right. We should know it's like I'm undercutting, huh? tremendously but you can't give them everything but you got to teach you the value of a once she's 18 you should you should post those oh yeah well she'll post them way before that my wife downloads them yeah they're in the cloud they're in this during that I mean that's you know for years I was under the illusion that it was about money that's what we spoke about Monday money that everything oh if you have a child I don't forget when I had my first child. The daughter that doesn't talk

to me for her third birthday guess what this fucking idiot did. Why? Guess what I bought for her third birthday party and I invited a bunch of white kids to the party. What? $150.

Pia. Yeah, right. It sounds like a good party. Three of the parents ate it. Everybody was looking for fish. Oh, right. Pizza from dominoes. Right, right. And little chicken fucking, you don't even know if it's a good party. a rat or a mouth or whatever the fuck is. Yeah. I was in shock because my mom would have these huge birthday parties for me, you know,

with a band and a piñata and 200 people. And I thought it was all they want to do is just your time. That's all they want. They don't know anything about money. I take it of the menchies, whatever they get yogurt. That's my most expensive date with it. Last night after karate, we went to yum yum donuts. I get the brand muffin because I'm an old man.

I got a shit blood. And she gets the blue donut with sprinkles, and we watch Descendants 3. And then I got to fucking give her a kiss, tell her good night. I'm going down to the store to rip into some fucking assholes like a savage. It's like being in the mafia.

I eat dinner with her, she prays. And she doesn't know in two hours, I'm going to be at the store talking about eating my wife's asshole and how I don't get fucking the flu because I eat my wife's asshole. That's my fucking life. Welcome to my fucking world.

You got any dates coming up? Oh, yeah. You kidding me? Oh, he's going into the fucking notebook. He's working the fucking scroll. If you want to check them out, you go to fits dog.com for tickets. I'm working. Oh, my favorite club in the country, San Francisco Punchline, almost went out of business,

but they're back November 8th through the 3rd. I'm sorry, the 7th through the 9th. Then I'm going to be going out to the KC Improv, November 15 through 17. then I'll be at the Denver Comedy Works downtown November 21 through 23 then I'm going to be hitting the Greg Greg just give them to a three days Cincinnati wait if they're sitting there with a feather

Philly Cincinnati it's all on Fitzdog dot com Man you got a heavy schedule yeah the fall and well I don't work in the summer That's right summer I got the kids they're out of school I got you know clubs where people don't show up because they'd rather be at the fucking beach And you walk in there in the room's three-quarter full and they're or looks that you like. We were back last week. Yeah, right.

But it's rodeo week this week. Right, right, right. No, I don't do the song. Uriah Heep is playing at the State Fair. Who comes up? No, I'm at movie night with my kids. We're going on the beach, taking little weekend trips.

That's the summer. I'm upset that I got to leave this weekend. But not really, I'm going to Kansas City on Friday to the Uptown Theater. And Saturday night, I will be at the Paramount Theater in Dendell. We added a second show, 930. We got a few tickets left there, Few tickets left in Kansas City.

I'm excited. I'm to eat some green chili on Saturday. Oh, yeah? That's what I go to Colorado for my green motherfucking chili. Where do I get it? Sam's number four. What's the number? It's right next to the club.

Sam's number three or? Sam's number three. Next to the Denver Comedy Works? Yeah. No shit. Nice bowl of green chili with two tortillas. Stop it. Stop.

And they're open for breakfast, too. And they're open for breakfast. You get a little two eggs baking with potatoes with toes. those with toast, you're fucking sad. I don't want toast. Give me a bowl of green chili, too. And you have that little green chili for breakfast. Your dick is nice and hard. It's spicy. It's good. Keep the bowels moving with that.

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breast do you? That's what Kettlebell Kitchens comes in. They help you stay on your diet by taking out the hassle of shopping and cooking. These meals come right to you twice per week for optimal freshness. Plus, you'll never get bored because they offer a personalized menu. Whatever works for you. Vegetarian, keto, Whole 30, Paloio, they got it. You can even filter by your calorie protein, fat carb limits so you get exactly the right foods for your unique needs. And all their meals are free of dairy, soy, artificial sweeteners, and are made from ingredients that are usually naturally gluten-free. Unlike any other meal boxes, you can order one meal at a time.

That's what I like. Or sign up for the plan, and you can change it up any time. No long-term contracts. They sent me a sample of some Cuban pork roast. Listen, I'm fucking Cuban, and it was delicious. So what the hell are you waiting for? Feed the champion inside of you with kettlebell kitchen. Do me a favor.

Grab a pen. Go to kettlebellcitchen.com right now. Kettlebell, K-E-T-T-L-E-L-E-L-Khent. Put it together, put it. Dot com, and there you go. Enter code church, and I'm going to give you $25 off each of your first two orders to new customers. Okay? Uncle Joey's always showing up like the three wise men.

I'm showing up with an envelope. That's 25 off your first. first two orders at kettlebell kitchen.com. Pressing code church. I want to thank kettlebell kitchen. I want to thank Hems forhims.com, and I want to thank my bookie. Don't forget, Instagram, tomorrow, my flavor's world.

I'm dropping a fucking video for you. I want to thank the original Irishman. Fuck the movie. My brother, Mr. Greg Fitzsimmons, the real Irishman. This motherfucker paints houses. I want to thank the Christkiller. Happy, whatever it is.

I know tomorrow's another holiday. Yon Kippur. Yeah, I'm Kapoor. Happy New Year to you and your family. Thank you. I hope you find a bag of pennies. And fucking... Me too. Most importantly, I want to thank you guys for listening for support in the podcast.

You know, I love you to all my heart. Don't forget, uptown motherfucking theater Friday night, 8 o'clock. The Paramount Theater, 7 o'clock is sold out. 9.30 tickets are available. All right? See you Tuesday morning. I love you. Stay black.

Have a great weekend. Lee, kick this. motherfucking mule. What's up for Irish?