The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #727 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

Steve Simeone, a stand up comedian seen on "This Is Not Happening" and heard as the host of his podcast, "Good Times with: Steve Simeone," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Athletic Greens - Get 20 free travel packs worth $79 when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/church MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble.    

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Kick this motherfucker, Meal bleed It's Tuesday morning I gotta get you out of bed A little fucking Metallica It's all over I feel like stabbing the motherfucker You know what I had some garlic pills

I'm farting up fucking goat blood But it's Tuesday motherfuckers You wanted me, you got me Here you go What are you fucking nuts, so what? Uncle Joey coming at you on a Tuesday fucking morning. You thought I forgot about you.

The day the devil got buried at sea, motherfucker. Give it to me. One time. I swear to God, you know, I play this song like third on my morning rotation every day for the last year and a half. It's fantastic. It gets me out of bed. It makes me want to stab a motherfucker when I'm drinking coffee.

That's second cup of coffee. This shit comes on and I go, fucking obats. I just sit there and think. all the motherfuckers that are going down to them. Everybody I got to call. I'm going to call them at 8 a.m. Fuck, 901. You know what I'm saying? Everybody's going to call it while they're driving to the location.

I catch them on the phone. Put that Bluetooth on, bitch. Joey D. is here. Steve Simone here and the Christ killer here. It's casual fucking Tuesday. It's Taco Tuesday. Tranny Tuesday in some streets. Whatever Tuesday you want it to be. You know what I'm saying? It's your fucking Tuesday. That's what I'm trying to say. Number one, I want to thank everybody who came out. to the shows at the Uptown Theater on Friday night,

you were fucking sensational. And then Denver, Jesus fucking Christ. At the Paramount, you guys were tremendous. You touched my heart. You know, I left there 24 years ago on a car with fucking $8 in quarters. And there I was, you know. So in a way, I lost the battle,

but I won the war 24 years later. I ended up getting what I wanted. You know, I never, in my wildest imagination. some of the old comics I used to do spots came out and we were talking about what we used to do like how our open mic scene was and Steve Simone we brought up something that I had forgotten about in those days you know

I would look at my notebook and I knew something wasn't right because I would only have like 16, 17 spots a month okay I would drive to fucking Wyoming to do spots and all I would get was 16, four spots a week. Friday and Saturday, you were mort. You added the spots at the three comedy clubs, and Comedy Wars wasn't going to give you a spot.

So you had McKell V's or Whitsend. Whitsen, you'd rather put a gun in your mouth and do a guest spot there, especially the late show on a Friday. It was a blog. And the other club was like Menza Mord. And he was good to me. I'm not going to lie.

He would give me a guest spots. But usually it was one spot, and then we hung out and celebrated it. Yep. But I heard about people doing multiple spots, and it intrigued me. So I said, wait a second. The hot thing in those days was line dancing.

And we followed a line dancing class on Sundays. You would do comedy after line dancing? In fucking Arvada, at some like country, western, it was rough. And the whole place would disappear. Billy Ray Syvis was on. Everybody's dancing. Also, MC would go five minutes, comedy stuff. Oh, God.

And you would see the whole room clear up. Nothing better for your open mic ego. But what we did that was big time. that I fucking laughed my ass off on the plane yesterday was we used to crash karaoke bars. Yeah. Karaoke was huge in 93 and 94. And open poetry readings were big in 93 and 94. The more you went away from Boulder, the looser they got.

But in Boulder, people were very serious. White people were very serious about poetry. Oh yeah, all those rich kids They had a couple bars that did poetry night And mostly cafes This is way before Starbucks This is no Starbucks Boulder had the coffee houses

With the couches and the books And Boulder was called Penny Lane And it was tremendous And I was in halfway house With an old fucking forger He was an old Jew from New York Oh my gosh From the old school Hendricks

At the Fillmore That type of The hippie. Wow. He still had the long hair. If I was, it was 90, it was 90, 80, it was 91. I met him when I was 27, he was already 55, a dog. He had a bang and a little 26-year-old chick with blue eyes.

She was beautiful. She never wore bra. She had hair on their armpits. She was a barista man. Hippy, hippie. So she ran the poetry really. guess what on Friday and Saturday stayed up in 24 hours

and the poetry reading started 11th so when as when I got into comedy I got into comedy I wasn't even involved really in the probation system anymore but I was still dear friends with him but he was too old to go out

at night so he would always go I'm kind of scared that she's down there alone at his coffee shop and I go listen you know tell her to put me on the poetry readings and I would go down there sign up for number fucking 40. Yeah. And I get there early and I get a notebook out and write.

And then she would slip me into the poetry readings. And they wouldn't laugh, really. I would get a couple giggles like. Wait, they were doing their like poetry and you would just go up and do a stand-up set. Yeah. Coming up to the stage next, Joey Diaz. And I would go up and go, you ever watch a Godzilla movie? You know, and I would just start fucking ranting.

And they would be looking at me like, that's not poetry guy. they never said nothing to me because she ran it. Gotcha. But the more you went outside of Boulder, they got looser and looser. There was one in particular, right by 140, I'm Fort in Thornton. There was a mall there. I used to go to that mall a lot because they used to sell cars in Thornton. So when you were bored, you took one of the cars in the lot.

You went to the mall, you went to Sparrows. Yeah, yeah, got a slice, walked around. You did all that craziness and shit. And around the block in that mall was a coffee hut. That guy hated when we'd be comedy. So we would wait. Like, he would start to show at like eight, and then he would leave.

He was the elder. He would sit there until nine. We knew the thing ran until ten, and we would catch different baristas. If they didn't know us, hi, how are you? We'd like to sign up for a car. He wants a nut, vanilla, you know, latte, because you couldn't just get black coffee.

They knew you were crazy. If you didn't get one of their green tea fucking mixtures, then they go, oh, you like green tea? Oh, my God. I drink the orchid. milk. You know, they started with that bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they would let you up, and then they would go, you can't get out loud here no more. That guy threw us out 10 times. I remember one time, like, we grabbed each other. Like, he's like, I'm not going to tell you again to stay out here with your fucking R-rated jokes. I kept telling me, I got my rights, motherfucker. You know, and I was just doing it to break his balls.

Now you're just torture. It's not even comedy anymore. Because there were people who came up to me like men and women. I remember one woman in particular came up to me and she goes I don't know what your name is you killed me tonight the crowd didn't know what to think I've never seen that reaction to a person but you can't come here no more

because somebody's gonna complain and I shook her hand she gave me like a kiss she gave me a free coffee I don't mind that yeah yeah that I could take I just couldn't take the people who were just playing out route to me like that dude yeah so we would go there like I was telling somebody yesterday But then we started tag team in karaoke joints. Do you do stand-up at karaoke?

And they really get pissed. If you want to piss somebody off when they're waiting, because there's people who really get into karaoke. They've got great voices. They just made a wrong turn. They go up there. There's duos that sing like Kenny Rogers and shit like that. There's no, you know, they sing endless love.

So I still remember. I go in there with the intention. Like, you knew there was going to be a problem. So, all right, so there's 30 people signed up for the karaoke. So obviously you're already tanked. You've got a grandma blow in your pocket. You're just taking a chance. So Lee would be number 28.

Joey Deers would be 32. And Steve Samoa would be 35. We wait for Lee. Lee would go up there and the song would be playing in my eyes. There I see nobody else but you. You know that like little background thing. And the big screen, you're up there. Hey, I have a day about Godzilla in New Jersey,

and they're just looking at you. Wow. And the music and the words are coming up on the screen, but you're doing stand-up. And the DJ would just look at you, like, you know, like, he would like, he was supposed to get those words. So if Lee got away with it, the DJ would go,

I give Lee a round of applause, right? Then we go, all right, now number 32 is me. So we let two singers go up. Yep. And they would sing their fucking bullshit. And then they would get off and hug each other. Coming to the stage, Joey Dias. Now I go, no.

Let me talk to you about sucking your dick and all this shit. And then I would push the envelope even farther. So if I got it, sometimes they would just put the music on loud or scratch the thing. Would the guy ever try to sing over you? Get off, get off. Yeah. No vulgar material on the stage. Right.

Get off, get off. And we would just go to another karaoke place. Now you would be first. Switch the order up so everybody got to set it. Everybody got to set it. And Lee would go up second. And by the time, if they didn't say none to Lee, then I would go up third. Oh, that's great.

That a thousand times. How many spots do you think you got from that? It was always like it wasn't a spot. You were going to get tortured. It wasn't even, it let me know about prepper. It let me know the different levels of comedy. Okay. It lets you know that, okay, when you go to a bar and do stand-up,

then I'm there to see you. Right. They're there to watch the hockey game and to have a few drinks. Yep. Monday night's dark night. Tuesday nights, girls' night. Wednesday night's comedy night Thursday night's cocaine night

Friday night is kill yourself do whatever the fuck you want night they're not really prepared for comedy psychologically yeah okay when I go on comedy store.com and I look at the schedule and I buy tickets and I buy two tickets a whole different mindset I'm getting prepared

psychologically to go to the show you put the CD on you put you know Burt Christi's CD or the Ovan All that stuff makes a difference On Spotify So you all As a comic

You also You also have to study The psychology Of people Yeah I learned that in those rooms That if you got one laugh You won

Yeah You know what's the song Three minutes Yeah If you got one laugh At the minute mark You won Some people

You know Get the fuck off Right Like I said to you Karaoke He's very serious To some people At the time

Oh still Like I won't even try to sing karaoke because I'm terrible and some people take that as an offense Lee and I have a mutual friend that tastes is karaoke seriously and every year on his birthday He has a karaoke birthday party and he posted up and he'll tell you he's actually singing living on a prayer Bon Jovi like there people really and I don't I'm not laughing at them I'm not laughing at them all that's an that's a great form of uh I think that's great I love when anybody loves something you know if that gets If that brings you some joy, I'm like, that is awesome. One of the toughest guys I know lives for, he met his wife at a karaoke place.

No, no, no, it's amazing. So it taught me the psychology of comedy in 1994. Like I learned the state of mental of the, you know, how many, you know, you're not going to turn off with them and not get came. No. You're not turning. Nobody's payment. Don't even think of, you know, in those days, what saved you is that there was no Sunday night game. Okay.

There was no Sunday night. football game so there were a lot of open mics on Sundays. Okay. Any area I moved to or an area I would go to, they would go stay on Sunday. There's tons of open mics on Sundays because there wasn't that 530 NFL family. Yeah. So, but if Denver was playing at night, you're done. You know, if Denver played in the afternoon, the 1 o'clock game, that open mic was going to be phenomenal. Yeah.

Plus there was going to be a couple drunk people at the ball. Yeah, because they just stayed. It just crossed over for the whole day. So you're going to have a problem. You know what I'm saying? When you started, did you figure this out little by little? Did you? Yes.

And I started to realize everything matters. And I started to see the rules of the game that if you could just stick it out, if you could just persevere, it got a little bit easier at every level. Like if you were doing an open mic where it was just comics and you only had two or a three minute spot, if you got one laugh, that you're a king. But then a step up would be, there used to be a bar show down by Val Surf in that little strip mall.

There's like a Chinese restaurant. It's like right on the L.A. River, they would do a bar show like on Tuesday nights or something like that. But there would be maybe eight real people in there. And I would go, oh, this is better than doing an open mic at Gower Gulch in front of just comics.

Because even though it's in a bar, there's real people there. Is Goward Gouch? I think it's still going on. I think it is. I'm talking about the one from 15 years ago. Yeah, the Miyagi's or whatever. There was that Japanese.

The guy owned and he was begging for people to take a night in there for a while. Yes. And they would give you like 100% of the door, but he'd only give you two bucks when 80 people showed up. Yes. Something weird. Yeah, I walked off stage of that room was. Yeah, I never even walked in there.

I just heard all the fucking nonsense that went with it. Yeah, it was horrible. That went with it. And I was like, you know, there's also people who booked the improvs. Like, then here I am in L.A. 20 years later and I get an offer from the improvs it was 2000 maybe nine okay Dan oh yeah Dan from Brea yeah called me one day and he goes I have a weird feeling about you I want you to host a dirty show I remember that you was Wednesday nights you did it I remember

Wednesday a month and I started learning about commitment I started learning about the commitment from people who pay for tickets. Oh, that was going to be there. Absolutely. It's a different room. That's a big, that's a huge difference. You can even see that at the store. When they do those early shows, sometimes they'll go, use this cohort for a free ticket or a $5 ticket.

Huge difference because they're not invested. Yeah, the more they're invested, the better of the audience. It's so weird how I went to Rockchester one time. Like I was learning how to book this room. He would tell me, you got about, I'm going to give you like three months of a guy. Then after that you have to figure it on your own. Everybody had to get paid. Yeah.

There was times I walked out of my own room with 25 bucks because I paid everybody. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I'm the same one. Take a meal. You got a tip to wait staff, 50 bucks. You got eight people drinking who don't bring their friend. Yeah. Who's nice?

But I learned a lot because after about the fifth one, I had like 14 people in there and I'm like, wow. And I did the road. I went to Rochester. the guy at the Rochester club was crazy and whatever. One thing he said to me, he goes, I don't do nothing for free here. He goes, I gave that game up years ago. He goes, I'd rather do a show with 10 paid regular than 100 people who didn't pay.

Yeah. He goes, when you come into my club, you have to give me something. A watch, $3, $5, $10. He goes, I will not give away a free ticket. And I remember looking at him as crazy as he was in his personal life. Yeah. And going, he's on to something. That's true.

And then was the creation of me learning how to sell a ticket. Now you have to build that value. Yeah. I'm saying, how do you build that value? So it's really weird how the lesson is taught to you. Yeah. You see that you need commitment from people. People go, oh, it was a shitty show.

Well, they weren't there to watch comedy. Exactly. They were there for a checker tournament and you bumped into their check a tournament. Right. And as a young comic, I didn't realize how important the audience was to my performance. the psychology of the audience. And then I even started to just by working the door at the store, I'm like, oh, Tuesday night's got a different energy than a Saturday night.

People that get there early, you could even see people that were getting to the club early that really wanted to be there. They were better audience members than people. You know how the store would keep the OR going and sometimes drunk people just walk by and walk in and didn't know what they were getting themselves into? It all matters. All of it matters. Even the way the rooms are laid out.

You know? Like the height of the stage, the ceilings, how close. Like Wayne, Wayne's room this weekend in Reno, I'm like, if he just sat the people. Congratulations. Thank you for taking Lee with you. Oh, it was great. I got a great time. It was so much fun.

But. Lee drove 17 hours. He learned what life is all about. He's got a speeding ticket. He's got blisters on his asshole on his ass. He did great. I talked to him last night. I could hear it in his voice that you feel the bumps and the humps from just sitting there.

You got to stretch out after every time you. You know, because I would drive a gallon. I would drive a tank out. My rule is I don't stop to the tank is on E. Okay. I have a question for you about that, though. Did you ever run out of gas? Because I did that on the way up, and I got real close.

I was driving like 40 miles an hour. You got to pay attention also. You have to also have to pay attention. If you see you at low and they're like this is the last gas for 80,000 miles. Yeah. You got to go. They don't always have those signs. Get in there.

Get something to eat. and some fresh air make two or three phone calls let your blood it's just process you're you know you can get hypnotized on the world like you gotta get your brain out of that

especially at night especially at night so that's why I told them you know you go and it's a it's driving to comedy gigs is a complete

different fucking animal you know I love when people drive for a living like my friend Timmy drives for a living and people drive for a living I always give them a lot of respect

because I did it for, you know, I drove from 94 to 2003. And then Rogan and then, you know, this guy and eventually, you know, but I pretty much fucking drove. I remember finally, like, in 2004, the clubbing like something Pennsylvania called me and I agreed to the week. And somebody told me, like, you got to land in Newark and drive three hours. I was like, it looks like I'm canceling that bitch. I didn't cancel until Friday at 6th.

Oh, my God. Yeah, like, I was so scared to Canada. Like, we knew it. We already had somebody here. Plus, you were going to be dirty. We didn't want you anyway. I was like, so we both won. Yeah, what are we talking about?

After they hired me, they watched the tape, and they were like, oh, my God. They called me up to, like, if you come, you have to change your material. Some part of Pennsylvania, and J.R.'s comedy club or something. Oh, like an open earie or something like that. Yeah, I've heard of that room. Yeah. And now a woman owns it. and she's a little bit more liberal.

She lets you go off. She gives door deals. But in those days, it was run by guys. They played a banjo. Anybody who plays a banjo, you don't want to talk to them. You know what I'm saying?

Anybody who plays like a banjo and tells you, like, they're kind of creepy somewhere. They got a kid in the basement. They got a grandma in an attic somewhere with a gag on and a ball in their mouth or something.

Those banjo people are fucking crazy. Yeah, I don't think I've met any. Thank God. Yes, yes, yeah. They just don't. identify. They don't say right off the bat. They play the banjo. You got to tell them something of your secrets first. I kill butterflies. They'll tell you that. I play the banjo. It's great to see you, by the way. It's great to be hanging out with you guys. I know you're doing great things or your little

charity. One thing about your charity that I really like, and I haven't donated yet, because I'm still figuring out my wife, me, were talking about this. Yeah. I'm really picky about my donations. I don't blame you. I'm very picky because I do not like when I see most this is this is a bold statement I'm going to make I know that most people will email me or whatever and say it's a bold statement but every time I see a tragedy I say to myself some swindling is going to make a million exactly and it breaks my heart I see them out there giving away water and supplies and all this shit, I'm like, Katrina, I'm like, and sure enough, the mayor, robbed a million.

point nine million dollars, you know. I know, and it bothers the fuck out of me. When JJ did the Houston one, I donated to his. The football player from Houston. Yeah, JJ Watt. That was amazing. I don't like talking about this shit on the air because I don't want people to think, I'm just trying to prove a point about something

to talk to Steve about it, because I think that what he's doing with all things comedy, I know you're parting up, you've gotten a lot of support over that. Yeah. It's very special. I believe that if you have a nonprofit and the president drives a better car than me, something's not right. Something's not right.

I completely agree. You're getting $2,500,000 a year. That's most in the people you're helping. I think if you want to do an organization, you should have a day job. And do that on top of an extra. Absolutely. You know, I would do something if I had time. Somewhere along the line, something's going to get caught out.

But if I could do something one day a week for a shelter or catch-up. shelter or something like that I'd be involved exactly but I'm not gonna give you three hundred dollars for your earthquake relief system but I know there's a white fuck somewhere absolutely I'm not just gonna blame white people black dudes got sticky fingers too or a fucking Latino yeah or an Arab or whatever yeah that's taking my fucking money that's supposed to be going to help somebody absolutely who fucking really needs their lights turn taps yeah you know I look at the homeless situation here in Los Angeles they've given that man

millions of dollars for that homeless thing we pay some fucking high state taxes yes and number two I want to know what they've done with the medical marijuana money yeah you know Colorado gives you a yearly report these people I don't even bring it up yeah and if they do my wife finally looked it up I go see how they break it up yeah and she told me how they broke it a marijuana education and something like that it's all scam that's for so somebody's lining their pockets absolutely so I'm a thief You know, I've come to the conclusion that I was the thief when I was a kid.

Yeah. And now I see, as soon as there's a fucking tragedy, and I see a number and, you know, I got to be honest, even the Red Cross, I heard that there's discrepancy. All of them, yeah? I've heard there's discrepancies in the Red Cross years ago. All of them.

It tears me apart. Yeah. And I see people with the reins and hurricanes and shit. So before I send a dollar, like Chris Heron, Lee, how quickly it takes me to send a dollar because I know what he's doing. Yeah.

I know that dude. dude's not driving a fucking corvette right that dude really believes in his cause and again we sent money this year from the church that's great you know uh i don't mind helping you are you know but i wanted to get to those people's guys that's it's fucking the black guy from the fuji's robbed this fucking it's a very easy temptation that's why like it's a very easy temptation i want to i didn't even want to touch the money like with this last family i don't even know what's happening with this i just saw people that needed help that were good people,

people that are always helping other people, like this mom I found out about. She's got six kids, four of them are sick, one of them's really sick. She wasn't asking for a dollar for herself. She's running all, we're doing a party at the Ronald McDonald House.

Friday night, I got the pizzas donated from a couple buddies. But that's who she is. She's always, there's a family with a sick kid that is homeless living in a motel. She would take half of what she has to go feed that family.

When it was another mom at Children's Hospital that told me about her, I was getting one family money, and I put the money straight to the mom. I said, what's your Venmo? I'm going to do a go fund me for you. And I essentially just vouched for these people. And I brought a little awareness, but the money didn't touch any organization and went straight to a mom. I went straight to a mom that lost a kid that works at the hospital, had nothing. And the landlord kicked them out of their house. So they got into a new place, but there was no furniture, nothing.

So I was like, if I could get her five grand breathing room, great. And that's all I tried to do. We got her to about $3,800, $4,200. And she went, Steve, I feel blessed. Thank you very much. I'm okay. I can breathe. You have to help Monique out.

And then I got to meet Monique. And I went on her social media and she had to go fund me up for another family. She wasn't even thinking about herself. And I went, okay, that's who I'm going to have. I'm going to help the people that are always helping others that don't ask for anything, and the money is going to go straight to them. Nobody's going to touch. What's the name of the fund you have?

Right now it's just called Al Magical bought the domain name for Help, Steve Help. I'm asking people to follow that on Twitter and Instagram. Just follow it for now. And then our game plan is going to be, we're going to do a podcast once a month, do a Patreon for a dollar a month, and you're going to get the podcast. So I'm just asking people to give a buck. once a month, but for now, go to Help Steve Help on Instagram and Twitter, and then we're going to put the family up of the month,

you're going to give $1, and that money's going to go straight to the family. If we build it up and there's going to be extra money, like instead of, because I think $5,000 is enough breathing room for somebody, and then we'll help the next family. And if we have to cycle a family through three or four times, because the problems are real and the money goes fast.

I understand that. But the Band-Aid is $5,000. It's going to go straight to them. and then if there's extra money that you check the arms and smell their neck and make sure that's not smoking crap and shit like that. Oh yeah yeah yeah but that that's the other problem because Bill

that's what Bill Burke reached out to me because he I think this will evolve into something for the homeless situation as well because he goes our politicians let us down he goes these charities are all scams he goes I know you're not in this for anything he goes I Bill was like I want to help people I've lived the

American dream he goes we have to do some job training. We have to make sure that people aren't addicts. He goes, I don't have a problem with addicts. I know they're suffering, but he goes, the problems if you give an addict money, you're going to kill him. He goes, he goes, you think you're going to help and you're going to wind up killing them. That's like, and I, listen, man, I don't know how many times because I was an addict, I throw an addict 20 to make his day. Yeah. Go get a fix. I know what it's like to get a fix in a sandwich and a soda. Yes. I've been there. I get it. That's true compassion. But I don't want to give $50,000 to an addict.

Exactly. Who is showing me a picture of that child. He puts little red dots on them. That's why right now. And next thing, you know, I got people on my, like, I got in trouble five years ago on Twitter. Yeah. Somebody reported me that the go fund me used their credit card, you know, and I was in shock. Like, I was blown the fuck away.

I had like four or five emails in a row, like the account. California attorney if I knew this person and I'm like no they just told me to retweet so now exactly listen just leave me along I know I not do it I know and I do it because these are people who just they show you a picture of a dude that's laying in a bed with a skeleton yeah meanwhile these people are in fucking Hollywood somewhere eating lobster tails yeah and you know again I don't mind throwing somebody at 20 I don't mind making somebody's day yeah but there's people on Twitter they're really getting in their car and they're changing oils Yeah.

And they're mowing lawns. Exactly. They're earning their money. And they give you $20. And I hope you're not fucking, you know. So when you donate, you know, listen, every time I see a tragedy or something, I hunt, I give it like three or four days. Yeah. Because there's people that are waiting.

They have 800 numbers all ready to go. Yep. I know how it's done. I read a thing years ago in the New York Times, how they busted this. It was like cerebral palsy thing. Like they were living like King. traveling around the world. They were just coming back to make withdrawal.

It's awful. And then I sold things for the cops in Seattle. I went in there as a salesman. They paid me, you know, 25% commission than what I brought in. And I had done it. I'm very ashamed to this. Until this day, I'm very ashamed of this

because this is the shit I'm ashamed of. I'm not ashamed when I broke into a drug dealer's house. They had to come in. We were drug dealers. This is the shit that really makes me ashamed of things sometimes. When I lived in Seattle, they were looking for telemarketers, and I went down there, and they give you a pitch, and it's, how you doing? We're calling from North Hollywood Police Department.

Yep. And we're looking for donations for a new program for school kids. And, you know, because when I was a kid, I remember them giving you the sticker. when I was a kid, if you donated to the fire department, they gave you a sticker for your window. That said children in the room. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Children in this room.

It's like a silvery sticker. So if you donated five bucks in 1970, you got like a little badge from the fire department and you got a sticker for your window that said children in the room. Yep. So hopefully they'd save you first. I'll tell grandma to go fuck herself.

My mom's yelling, help, how fuck you, bitch. There's kids in the room. You know what I'm saying? So you should have bought a sticker. Yeah, you should have bought a sticker, he dumb bitch. So I always learned from all those things, you know. I sold stickers for CYO and I donated the money. Yes.

You know, I told my daughter about three weeks ago, and this is no fucking lie. When I got thrown out of Catholic school, I had such a deep guilt in my heart. But I connected myself with the American Art Association. And every end of the walk-a-thon, and my goal, to break the record. And you had to walk around Hudson County Park, and I would walk it 40 fucking times, and I would get everybody in my mother's bar

to give everybody. Mom, you're just supposed to get a dime a mile. Fuck you, I want a dollar. And I won awards until about 10 to 13. Then I started stealing the money myself. Then I would go out there, fuck the walk. Here's a donation. I'm going to walk.

I got the money in my pocket, because I would have to make them pay me up front. Who are I'm going to walk 15 miles this year? Yeah, I'm gonna walk 25 miles. But I gotta be honest with you, for the first three years, I really didn't give it the money. They gave me the thing. They took a picture.

I won like the highest achiever. That really fucking made my dick card in those Catholic years when I got thrown out of Catholic school. So I told Mercy, I want to walk the walkathon this year with her and get money, you know. I'm not expecting a lot of money. I'm going to kick in money myself. Yeah, I'll do it.

You know, 10 miles, whatever. I think I can walk maybe. three miles if I'm lucky so you get me like five dollars a mile or something like that you know so but I believe in that you know me too it feels good to help feels good to help it feels good to help that's a good help but yeah I've had plenty of friends over the last four or five years that have called me for help and I've always said let me call you back and I've thought about their situation I've thought about their life and I've always helped them yeah because I have to think of what they meant to me when I was growing up with no with no disregard I have to write a check like I can't even

think about it you know because of what they did to me as a child so even now there's not much I can do for the homeless problem you know you want me to go get a bus and go pick them all up where am I going to take them to my fucking house I can't yeah I don't have any answers but I know that this fucking state you know I'd like to have a talk with that newsome guy I'd like to have a talk with the other fucking governor, you know, you have to get buses and get people that are trained to go talk to these people. And, you know, it's worse than it was in New York. I was there twice this year. I appreciate the Army building two houses on a weekend, but that's not fast enough. We need dormitory style, you know, old gyms, shit like that. Keep the people that

are homeless. You know the people that you're helping? I want them separated from mental health. Okay, the homeless situation is three degrees of homelessness. Yeah, you're right. It's the economy, drug homelessness, and mental health hopelessness. That's what I think. As a, as a, what you see observer, I agree. You know, when I walk some people that look normal. We're going to take the 101. When you make that right to take the 101, there's a pretty fucking lady that walks around with a bikini and a thing. And at first, you look at it and then you go, ooh, you know, you're like, who what the fuck? She's got mental. You know, she wants. She washes her fucking shoes on the street.

I saw the one morning putting bottled water on her feet. Her feet were black. You know, that's mental health. That's not somebody who went to, you know, lost his job. The kid got hurt. You know, there's a lot of people by NoHo Park that live in trailers. Yeah, oh, that's everywhere. People living in cars and RVs.

Then they leave in the daytime. Or they go there in the daytime and they leave at night. You're not allowed to park that no more. The trailer thing got so bad there at night that the cops. to put up signs. Those people are homeless. Those people 10 years ago, Fannie Mae, whatever that was.

The 2008 collapse. Those are those people. Those are those people that said, you know what? We're going to take the last $22,000 we have in savings and buy some type of used thing. And until we figured this out

because I used to lift weights over there. I used to walk in the hall. And I would stop and talk to those people and they would tell me their stories. They would say, yeah, you know, we lost our home with Fannie Mac. It's heart-breaking. It was.

So right now in Los Angeles, you know, there's weed money. I know in Colorado, it's so fucking tight. It's to the seed. And they show you where it goes to schools and this and that. Here, since we went legal, I haven't heard nothing about it. No. I don't mind paying that. And you know, that dog, go to fucking the old perennial and get an eighth of weed and come back to me.

Thank God I go to urban trees. And they give me like a deal. Yeah. You know, they pound the taxes on there. But the deal they give me is too good. They give me a great deal. Go to a regular weed store as a recreational user. See how expensive it is?

Let's see how expensive the taxes are. And you're like, it's 25%. No, no, no, 35. 23, I think. Something like that. Because I think it's 10% for medical. And then I think it's like either 25 or 35 for recreational. And the thing for Steve, because I know you've been on in the past couple years,

but in case people are new, you met these families at Children's Hospital. They weren't like submitting You met some of these people who really need Yeah and the way we're verifying is We're gonna just have people pay it forward So the family we're helping now We'll go okay well here's another mom That needs the 5,000

And then when we get that family to help Then they nominate the next family But I think look look it's just in its baby steps I pray that and hope that it'll grow into something great But for right now it's all people that really need the money that have fallen through the cracks. They're truly victims, you know. That's the saddest thing ever.

They're sick kids and people don't realize all the bills associated over that because usually if a parent's working, they might have to stop working right off the bat to take care of the kid. There's gas back and forth to the hospital. It's $10, $15 a day just to park at the hospital. So I have big dreams of what I think it could turn into, but for right now, I the family I'm helping right now I just shared the mom's Venmo and I got her a go fund me and the money went straight there. I had a couple of my buddies that own the Italian deli that own the pizza place that have fed the families.

We've done little parties for the families at those places and that's it. Give the kids something look forward to, you know? That's it. I was telling you that I lived in Seattle and I had that I worked with these guys and I was making money, you know. 600 a week every time he turns I can tell oh my god disgusting

that's pure garlic right there can I be on your list like down the list like the number 100 just for these farts so I take these garlic parsley tablets you're supposed to take two for you

to clean out your system I take three I guess it's working only on days when you're gonna see me I'm on the heavy side you know what I'm sorry I gotta take three of them if you take it with us

take it one I'm not gonna take a whiff of it I can see the ellips of turning white just from the fucking substance in the air. So I worked for these guys. And, you know, it was great for about six months. I did great. I showed up every day. And basically the pitch was a shakedown.

Yeah. It was a pitch that you had a business. You wanted the police to support you. So if you put this PBA sticker on your window or your car, they would know you supported the police department whatever and I would sell

fucking $2,00 ads, three, I'd want to sell ads check, you know? And one day I said, let me actually look at this newspaper. This newspaper looked like it cost fucking two cents to make. It was like some kid made it

with crayon. And then I asked one of the guys that worked and he goes, you didn't know the scam. They give you 25% and they pretty much keep 65% and give the other 10% to a charity. All three owners had BMWs and Lexuses and convertibles. I remember the three guys,

and I'm on the way out. I was leaving on a Sunday, and I went to one of the guys after he robbed me for fucking eight months and he was robbing people. One guy became friendly with me. We'd come to the Seattle comedy thing. Well, he was a piece of shit, and I knew it. And like the weekend I left, I said,

yo, I need a big favor from you. I'm moving. Can I get two weeks' salary advanced to me? And he goes, what do you make? A week ago about 600. He goes, that right? You're a check for 12. Ching, ching.

Pee-um. See you later. Back. Yep. Got him back. Well, so many of those places, that's how they operate. That's how they operate. They only give, like, there's a percentage by law

that they have to give. When you realize that percentage, people, if you look it up, your heart will break. You'll go, wait a second. If I donate $100, the person that I'm donating to, after all the funnels and paperwork and bullshit, only basically gets $15. It's hot. Well, there's also whisper down the line.

So, like, there's organizations that'll say they'll do what you did, and then they make that donation of the $15 out of $100 to the American Heart of Social, whatever charity it might be. But then they do the same thing. like even these established good charities like a buddy of mine he doesn't give money to charities he's got a lot of money because his buddy ran some big famous charity one of the household name ones and he had a $50,000 mahogany desk no I know this is what I'm talking about so that's why I see that I'm just putting it right in the mom's pocket that's it's this is going to pay bills this is putting gas in the car food on the table car seats like the family we're helping now soon as a check came in for me and I went, all right, I can, I can afford to give a certain, and she showed me the car seats that she bought with the money I gave her.

Because I know right where it's going. Nobody's touching it. It's funny about two weeks ago, I was at the car washing on Lancashire. Just getting my car wash. And I saw a Dodge minivan show up, you know. And then the door slid out and three little black kids. Yeah. Two little boys and little girl. And then the guy came out and he gave me each a box of fucking candy.

And he was like, remember what I told you? Stick to the motherfucking script. You know, I'm like sitting there going, this guy's like a fucking pimp. And I still remember getting caught up in one of those things one day. With this fat, disgusting dude, this dude, him and his sister, both of them tipping the scales at 500. I don't want to say his name on here from North Bergen. She came to me when they.

She's like, do you want to make money? My brother makes money and all that shit. She was as ugly as fuck and fat as fuck. And her brother was a slob just like it hung over the sides. her brother made Ralphie look small. And all he would do is sit in that car and smoke cigarettes and drink milkshakes from Carvel. He would have three of those things in this fucking car at one time.

Jesus. He was huge. So what he would do is drive you into a neighborhood and you would knock on doors to get newspaper subscriptions. And he would give you like 25 cents of subscription. And I'd never forget. We had to meet him at nine and then work till 12. But that day he picked three gangses.

He picked like the wrong thing. three gangses. I forget who he picked. But we were like, 12 o'clock, we take him lunch. He's like, I don't do lunch. And we're like, yo, fat boy, you're doing lunch. How old were you guys? We were like 13. Oh, that's great. Like in the eighth grade. He called like the three wrong guys. I forget. I wish I could remember who he had. I don't remember. But we're like, yo, we're eating.

And he goes, oh, I don't take lunches. That's your responsibility. And I'm like, what or not. Because we all work for different people in the neighborhood. And the street code was, whatever you hire kids in the neighbor, you got to feed them lunch. Yeah, I got a pizza. You got to get sandwiches from the deli. That's what I was trying to tell Lee about when I took Lee on the road. He goes, why you pay? I go, it's the code. I go, the headliner always has to pay.

We go to the movies. I go, Lee, put your money away. Well, you're not going to pay for this too. And I go, you have to. The headliner buys the meals. If the headliner asks you to the movies, we got to pay. Downhill. Exactly.

You just pay it forward. You'll be paying a meal for some feature act yourself. Exactly. It all comes back. You know, I thank Joe Rogan bought me more steaks than my mother did. That's a fact. Joe Rogan bought me more $40 steaks than my mother did. That's a fact.

I remember Joe Rogan taking us out to that diner. I didn't even know a diner existed in that. What's that fancy hotel right across the street from the store? The standard downstairs. Starving. Blue cheese burgers. Yes. Tremendous.

Joe goes like this. I don't even know it was in there. Me? I haven't been there. He ordered everything. everything off the menu. He gets get two of those. There was a six-up food.

And it was the only meal I'd have all day. I'd never, I'll forever be grateful for those meals. We would either walk too. He would make his walk to the fucking standard. You're like, God damn it. And you'd walk to the stander because it wasn't worth getting out of the thing. Like eight of us would go to the standard. He'd feed us. But the blue cheese burger,

the standard with the French fries, oh. I know 20 years ago, guys, this is 19. This is news radio 90 this is pre fear factor that's how long that was where he would take us to the standard or pink dot was guaranteed if he wasn't on the moon to walk i would get off stay he would watch my spot yeah at 1 30 and then we'd head to pink dot and get the meatball palm with a roast beef sandwich oh my god i remember you that's when because you knew i was starving you gave me half your sandwich Because I was managing the club then.

Yes. And you brought it and you go here, do yourself a favor. Because I was living off those peanuts, Mitsy would sell in the red, in the red plastic bags. That's all I had to eat all day. I don't forget reading Kennison's book and him talking about him and Carlibault, get to the store at seven and eat the fruit. Yeah, bartenders. The bartenders would cut. That's how hungry they were.

Yeah. And I remember finding myself one day putting extra limes in a Coke for like vitamins like, I'm so broke. You don't want to get scurvy or something. I don't want to get scurvy. Like, I'm snorting coke. I'm eating fucking Wendy's burgers for lunch. I got to put some type of vitamin. You have real food.

It was Huck who told me, can I talk to you? And Huck used to do coke and have false teeth. Yeah. So when he'd snort coke, the false teeth would shatter. And it's not. Tremendous. I love talking. So Huck was the first person that ever told me.

He goes, you know, I care about you. You don't not get to. Because he's like from where were they from? Thailand. Thailand. He goes, you do not get. offended if I tell you he goes you drink too much soda he was the first person ever had the balls he goes the other night I count 14 15 soatas you have to stop wow I was like okay and then I

started drinking diet and he's like no diet bad too yeah I go let's meet halfway so whatever he would be on shift I drink jack and coke but diet you know yeah but he's the first person I told me you're too old you're too this is 20 years ago yeah he was telling me you're too old to be drinking soda Dude, I loved Huck so much. Loved him. Were you there and that he dropped Renazizi with the, all those guys are Thai boxers. He dropped Renazizi with a liver kick going quarter speed.

I mean, he just, I've never seen a human being fall like that. Because precise, those Muay guys, he grew up to not, not kicking trees down. And he, Tripoli got it. Tony.

And we were trying to hold him back. And he had the strength of 10 fucking elephants. It was one of those things that you hold somebody and you're like, oh my God, come on, knock it off. I can't do this. Like he was really pushing me. And I was 300. I was 400 pounds. And he was moving.

He was going after Tripoli that night. That was probably Tony. Tony was like the middle one. Yeah. The one that looked like Bruce Lee. Yes. He looked like the guy who played Bruce Lee, Chris, whatever his name. And he had a sinister laugh.

Tony loved me and he come in and watch my sets and he just go, ha, ha, ha, like that. I remember that. Those are weird times. Those are weird. When he told me about the fucking sodas, I was like, thank you. Yeah. He goes, you come in for six, nine a week. Drink 15 sodas.

15 sodas. That's a lot. From 8 to 10, and then you go home and you're up to a 4. Yeah, all that caffeine. Yeah. But no, I'm really happy and proud of you that you're doing this because I know that you're doing it out of a, nothing bothers me more when people take a cause. It's fucking fake.

Yeah, it's the worst. You see right through it. Yeah. You know, listen, I like people who do things and nobody has to know about it. That's exactly. You know what the truth is? When I do something, nobody needs to be in between us. That's it.

I'll put anonymous on there. Yeah, all my stuff. You know, if you got to do something to let people know, don't do it. You're doing it for the wrong. Don't do it. And that's this whole thing I'm very leery about because of one person spends the money the wrong way. one person does something. Al bought the name helps deep help.

I didn't want my name on it. I didn't even want to put anything out there. But then my buddy, Sal, that owns a pizza place downtown, he went, and we were talking. And he's a smart guy, self-made guy. And he goes, I understand everything you're saying. But he goes, you have to be more concerned

that that mom that can't afford a car is going to get a car so she can go visit her kid and get her kid to the hospital than what anybody else says or thinks. But if I was rich, I would just do it. I would just pay it without anybody knowing. That's the whole reason why I wanted to get into this business was to help people. But I was like, I might never become rich. And these people still need help. So I used to give what I

could give. And then a couple years ago, a podcast listener sent me a couple hundred bucks at Christmas. It was Thanksgiving. I was in the stinky motel. I took a gig at that Mall of America three months in advance, November. Yeah, I'm open in November. And I realize it was Thanksgiving weekend. So I'm sitting in the motel that they knocked down. down since knocked down. It was horrible. It's one of those motels where the floor wasn't even. This wasn't the new mall of America. No, it was across the parking lot from the new mall of America. It was horrible. They knocked it down and built a nicer hotel. But I was in that hotel. A podcast listener just heard me say something about visiting a family at the hospital.

She goes, I want my kids to know the value of giving. Is it all right, if I sent, can I PayPal you a little donations so they know? And I go, yeah, I thought it was going to be 25 bucks or something. $250, $400. So then first time I ever shared anything on social media, because I don't want anybody to know what I was doing, I went, does anybody have a hookup with PlayStation's? Because now I thought if somebody kept me an employee discount, I could buy two of them, and I could help both families.

Immediately, my buddy Carlo from the Italian deli sends me a message. He goes, there's two brand new PlayStations at the deli, pick them up. He goes, use that money for other gifts. then Andrew Themlis, who produces Bill Burr's podcast, goes, I think we should do something with this. He goes, Bill hates normal charities. He doesn't trust him. He goes, but he trusts you.

After a while, that's, how terrible is that we're making that statement? Everybody says it. It's a well-known thing, isn't it? It's a well-known thing. It's fucking horrible. That's the world we live in. It's fucking horrible. Like in my deepest, darkest.

fucking moments, I wouldn't even fake something like that. No. Like the guy who scammed me put like a kid up with tubes and shit. And I'm like, who thinks this up? Like in my darkest fucking moments, I'd rather rob you with a gun. Absolutely. I've always had a fucking thing. If you come and rob me with a gun, I'll give it to you.

But don't try to fucking con me with something like that. I remember going back and looking at the thing because they sent me everything in the email. that I had retweeted on what day, at what time. Yeah. I don't know how the guy got caught. I don't know what the fuck it was, but I remember how, like, I felt stupid.

Yeah. I felt taken because you can't help everybody, but every little bit counts. Absolutely. Well, it kills your spirit, too. It kills your spirit. That's the problem. Like, you mess up once,

and then people go, forget it. I'm not going to give to any charity. I'm not going to trust anybody. So it's horrible. They're killing the kindness in people. I just told you a story of me admitting to you guys, me borrow money from a guy that I knew I was not going to give money to. Regardless of whether the guy was a good guy or a bad guy,

my deed should not be applauded. We giggled here because you know who I am. I've done some very cold-blooded things, like cold-blooded things, but they've always been to people in a way who had it. coming. They got themselves involved over the head. There were some few unfortunates. There were some good people who came up to me and said, I want to be a cocaine investor.

What do I get if I give me $10,000? 20,000. If you're going to come up to me and give me $10,000, I got to take it from me. If you're going to be that stupid. You reminded me of Polly Walnuts when he goes, purgatory. He goes, soldiers don't go to hell for killing other soldiers? That's what

you're doing. It was soldiers to soldiers. It was soldiers to soldiers. But putting up a thing or saying that you're a CEO, you're the whatever of a nonprofit, and I find out you're driving a fucking convertible beamer. My blood pressure goes zero over fucking. My buddy that started the regular hero charity, the only money that doesn't go straight to the cause is to the accountant

and to the lawyer. He lives in his art studio and he doesn't have a car. So like when we would do a fundraiser at the store and get like $8,000 from the door, that $8,000, you could track it exactly to what families it went to and then what they spent the money on too. Like people go, look, I need to pay my rent, done. I need to get a car for this, done. And I'm, I'm grateful to be a part of them.

That's what I got it set up at the store. Yes. Where we Uber? Comedy store already paid for the drinks. High cast t-shirts. That would be great. The moms need it. The families need this.

Fucking Gino, kicking some speech. weed weed yeah some CBD all we could get CBD line yeah get involved if you need them I need that because that's some kids who want CBD all whatever we get I got a family in Pennsylvania where that's the only thing there was actually a kid I grew up with who reached out to me was like I see what you're always doing he goes here's my situation and no T-HC in it so no he's happy yeah this is and it's working for this kid and his uh seizures it's the only thing that worked yeah it's it's so weird I forgot to bring him with me this week in Kansas city I have a 500 milligram CBD line in my travel bag.

Like a rub? No, I have the tincture I put it in my tongue at night. Like just as I'm getting in that realm of that after the show, jitters. Yep. CBD. You're elevated. The CBD. And I know a lot of people are going to go, Joey, you need T.A.

Listen, I got enough T.HC on my own. Trust me. When I put two tinctures under my tongue at night, I got an hour and hour. hour 15 minutes it's great it's a slow thing but you know what I need an hour let me write for an hour yep I need it now what am I doing my life and then you sleep solid through the night I don't pee that's great wait till you turn 47 and every hour on the hour you start peeing you know different foods and different whatever make sure whatever swell yeah your prostate or whatever it's you know there's nights I would get up and the people

would come out like my prostate would be swollen or whatever and the pee would come out like drickles like that you're standing there for actually seven minutes you wake yourself up you're like can't go back to sleep now and the sunnights were a fucking like after you fly mm-hmm so after you fly you retain that water a guy like me gets that water in his legs when I get to the hotel I put the computer on I lay on the floor I lay on the bed with my legs higher to get the water around forget it all night I'll be fucking peeing Guess what? For Thursday now, I got in that hotel of 11 from Kansas City.

Did the CBD all, slept like a tank. Great. I'm going to get that from my mom. I even went to bed at 11 o'clock at late time. Wow. Because I thought I was going to be up until 2 in the morning. Yeah. Your body clock gets all messed up.

I was in bed at 11.30. 1.30, I turned the lights off. That's great. And I got up Friday night in Kansas City. I went to bed without the CBD. I was like, fuck, two hours into your sleep. There you are peeing. And then Saturday, I was so excited about Denver.

I got back and I didn't. And I didn't sleep at all, really. I slept like three hours and I woke up at five. And what came out of my dick was two of pounds of fucking urine, drinking all those waters during the show. Yeah, because the elevation in Denver, too, I need to drink water all the time. When I got there, I took my pants off before the shower.

I was watching the baseball game and I threw my leg up on the bed and something made me look at my legs. I was there for three hours and already my skin was fucking brutally dry out of my legs. I was like, oh my God! I mean, I got there, I took my sweats off after the plane

and put shorts on me. We were right to Sam's number three. Oh, that diner's great. Walk in the door, we were two minutes. Uber was like five bucks. Right there on the corner? I had 25% on UberX all weekend because I'm flattened. I was living off Uber X like a doctor for like five hours going around the world.

That's great. Bro, we weren't in. Listen, we got off the plane in Denver. Went upstairs. I go Felicia. I'll call you in five minutes. I basically went back. Took my computer out.

I plugged it in, plugged in the sleep app and machine. Took a piss, washed my hands, rolled a joint, went downstairs, and that's how quick it was. There was no time of discussion. Uber sand number three Got there We got a cool waitress I love that spot All I had for breakfast is oatmeal that morning

Because I was prepared I starved I had a four Point protein bar on the flight That my wife packs me On the plane They're fucking tremendous I knew I was gonna kill some points

So I went and got a bowl of green chili Which is like 16 points That's just a day killer And then I opened up with the chicken beef fajitas. And I kept it light. I only ate one tortilla. That's good. The rest I ate. I didn't touch the cheese. I ate all the lettuce. I took the salsa of the lettuce and the onions. The salsa. They're so good.

All the salsas to die for. Then we invited the waitress to the show. She nearly died. And she came with her mother and the mother's boyfriend. Oh, that's great. Yeah. She came to the show. I texted. I texted the ball of chili. And before I got up, I had eight members in the church show up to Sam's number three. Oh, my, that's fantastic. That's when you know Sam's number three. Guy came with his dad. I want to thank you for saying hello.

Another couple showed up. When I was eating barbecue in Kansas City, I took a picture. And within three minutes, a girl came up. She's like, I can't believe I'm here with you. I noticed the plate. Wow. That's awesome. That means more to me than the comedy show.

Like that shit. Like when I post green chili and you show up to Sam's number three out of respect, you got me. That real connection. It was the greatest. It was just like, it's the best. Oh my God. Oh, my fucking God. We had that happen in Reno.

This guy who worked at the same one shop, we went twice. He knew everyone from the podcast. He knew me. And he wanted to start comedy. And we offered him for tickets. And we should we introduce him to like the little comics. We put him on his path. We put him on his comedy path.

I was like, John, this is not a mistake. This is divine intervention. You've been thinking about comedy. You have a comedy. comedy notebook, but you haven't done your first open mic yet, and we show up and we're doing a pot. Do you put him on stage? No, he wouldn't do it. He'd never been

up yet. He hadn't been up yet. So, but we hooked him up with Wayne, and Wayne was like, gave him us four shows. He goes, we're going to start you with these. Didn't he Wayne open up the books for him or something? I don't know if he got booked, but he definitely knows where the open mics are now. He knows Wayne. So he probably might, I just didn't hear that part. It's so weird. I think Wayne gave him days. Oh, wow. Good for him.

how divine intervention in any career it's so life changing and life gives you little signals and you don't pay attention to them at first and all of a sudden one day you just put in this situation and that thing you wanted to do now you're doing it you know with me i wanted to do it like me too three people told me yeah look i get anxiety just thinking about it like i wanted to do it so bad and i had a fucking day job. I was a roofer. Oh, that's hard work. And I'm like, God. I was an estimated, but I still worked my ass off. I was the hardest. I had to work. It was my brother-in-law's company.

I had to work hard than everybody else, you know. And not people would say, your brother-loss is a set of a shit. Yep. So I was climbing ladder, stocking jobs, getting coffee, estimating, going. Keeping everybody happy. Taking estimation classes at night for fucking different companies. I went into it, you know. When I went in, I went in. He gave me a tremendous salary.

I'm not going to lie. he gave me a great salary that I did not deserve, but I knew that I just couldn't accept it. I had to work that I get that salary. So I became an estimated, but calmly was still ringing. We had a snow day, and I watched Plinchline, and that was it. Oh, with Tom Hanks? Yeah, my fucking heart broke, and I'm like, you know, like half crying,

why did I fucking get married, you know, why does life have to be so? But then I didn't have the balls to go on state, so what difference is making? Life is fair or not. Yeah. If you're going to be a pussy about getting on stage, life is never going to be fair. Yeah. I sat there for six months. I sat there for maybe a year.

Yeah. Without going on. I know that feeling. And then I finally went into a fucking thing to get coffee. And for some reason, I opened up a notebook and I saw a picture Andy Payton. And it was talking about Roseanne's success. And do you want to be a stand-up? These are the comedy stand-up courses.

And if you want me to tell you, that was divine intervention. I think it was. If you wanted to tell you was something else, you can believe that. the Lord put that in my path. Whatever he may be, Chinese, black. Yeah, exactly. Who knows? Right. Whatever that God is, I don't want you to go,

oh, where Joey's going off the reservation talking about God, no. Whatever that power is at the universe. Because it was one of these things where you take a newspaper, go like that, and there it was. Yeah, come on. You know, it wasn't like I got the newspaper

and said, oh, what, you know, a guy lit his kid on fire today in Denver. No, I opened up the middle just some habit. Yep. And there it was. So I think back now, thank God for whatever or whatever karma putting that sign up. Yeah. Yeah.

What was your sign? Well, I had so many of them. But I remember once, uh, Joe Matarice, I had met him at a, I got boot off stage at a place called, what was, it was called the Laugh house in Philly. In Philly. Right, right. On South Star. He was one of gave me a pepott off stage. talk. Big Jay used to close it out.

Jay, yep. My first open mic ever, I got boot off stage. It was horrible. What was my first open mic at that place? I'd done a few, like a year before. And I'm like, that's it. I'm not doing it. But then I had that bug. Like, I was thinking about it all week.

So then I went, you know what? I'm not going to perform. I'll just go down and watch. Then I went down and watch. And honestly, it was Kevin Hart, who gave me like a pep talk. Come back. No, sign up next week. Do it. And then the headliner that weekend was Matarice, who I had heard about years before, about some kid from Philly that went to New York and was doing good things.

So then I met Mattarice at that show. I came back to the open mic was on Tuesday. I came back Friday or Saturday night. Mattarice went and got a slice of pizza with me and gave me a pep talk. He's like, no, just this is how you do it. And I went, okay. And then it still took years for me to really do it. And then Mattarice invited me up to New York one.

We went to a Yankee Red Sox day game And I'm like, this is what comedians do during the day This is great That night, we went to Gotham that had just opened up Because one of his buddies heard that Seinfeld was going to do a pop-in So then all the comics were hanging out I went up talking to Seinfeld

And this is like in 2009, something like that He's like the biggest star in the world He was very nice to me And then I came to L.A. I went home, I quit my job My buddy that was supposed to move out here with me. He was too much of a, he was too afraid to quit his job. He had a government job. He didn't want to give up. So no, I had no job, nothing. I thought I'd never do comedy again.

And then a buddy, and my mom was like, well, maybe Hollywood will come to you. And I'm like, really? And you think that's going to happen? I go to the iron sport gym. My buddy Jacks goes, hey, he was sold beer like one of those guys. He goes, we're having a comedy contest. And if you win it, you get to perform with Paulie Shore. And I go, get out of here. So I go, I entered it. I'd been on stage like maybe eight times won the contest met polly and that's how i got out here god had to put a thousand signs i one side didn't work for me i mean there were i could go into details of them still dear friends of paulie short yeah 20 years later yeah been working at his club he he he that comedy sir has been my family for the last 19 years what's the name of your charity again

just what i'm asking for people right now is go to help steve help on instagram and help steve help on Twitter. If you go to Helpstivehelp.com, you'll see the GoFundMe for the family we're currently helping. And in the bio, the GoFundMe,

there's the mom's Venmo. I'm just asking people for a dollar. But for right now, if they could just follow us on Instagram, Instagram and Twitter, then we'll start sharing stories. We'll figure out a way to make it easy for people to give a buck.

And then we're going to do a podcast with all things comedy through a Patreon where you get the podcast for a buck. If you want to donate, I don't know, 50 bucks or something, you'll get a custom t-shirt every month, whatever it is. And that's it. I'm very proud of you, man. It's an honor to be your friend.

I feel the same way. I know you're doing this in the heart. And that's the most important thing. A lot of people do this just to get fucking a TV show in this town. Oh, Jesus. And I think I'm going to do one. You know, a couple years ago I got generous and I donated money to a no-kill cat shelter.

And they were nice to me So I gave them the money I contacted them and I go I like to do a comedy show somewhere And donate 100% Yeah Get fucking rogue and get Yeah

And they were like basically We really don't appreciate your style of comedy Or you as a human or some shit Oh my God, that's hurtful I laugh Listen we teach honest to hear on the church When somebody's honest with you You can't get mad at them

When the church on that You got any dates for me, Coxsuck? Yeah, I'm going to be doing Salt Lake City Thanksgiving weekend at Wise Guys. Okay. I'm going to re-record a CD. What is it, November 11th in the second Tuesday of November in the belly room. Then Salt Lake City. And then I have Rick Bronson's house of comedy in Scottsdale first weekend of December.

Then I have the comedy work South, the second weekend of December. Beautiful. I have nothing coming up. New Jersey sold that. So all I got is the Motor City Casino. On the 7th, Detroit, we're fucking coming. And on the 8th and night, the Funny Bone in Omaha. I can't fucking wait to see my girl.

I love going to that club. When was the last time you went to Omaha? It's been years. I loved it. That's a great. Great comedy town. She takes you to a great fucking place to eat like home cooked, like everybody's fat. Everybody's got like diabetes at this restaurant.

Their ankles are swollen. It's fucking tremendous. I love this place. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Listen, before we leave, again, the church is brought to you by, my bookie. Listen, why pick winners if you ain't going to bet. That's why I go to my bookie. It's fast, it's easy, and they pay when you win. Let's face it, where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on, right or wrong. If you're trying to bet on the NFL, baseball, MMA, PFL, whatever the fuck it is, my bookies got it. I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them.

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You win. You get fucking paid. church would also love to welcome listen you know me when Lee was doing his uh nine diets ago when Lee did the vegetable fucking thing with the pickle juice and the fucking those 10 nights ago when he were coming here looking all sour when he was drinking those milkshakes with the with the blender juice the juice diet the juice diet members head got all nice and small it looked like my cat's super bad his head was nice and small back then I remember him telling me one time what was in it,

and I made kind of one at the house, and it tasted like, listen, after I drank it, I was like Chris Cornell, I was ready to hang myself. Oh, Jesus, God. But the church was brought to you. It was terrible by suicide prevention. And juicing. Don't be fucking juicing.

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came to Denver, I fucking love you. They came to Kansas City. I fucking love you. And if you're coming to Jersey, I fucking love you. Thanks for being sold out. I love your motherfuckers. Have a great Tuesday. Nobody could take dick from you.

You got the church under your belt. Take this fucking meal, Lee. Thank you. These people are now. I do it, though. I'm going to get the athletic greens. I'm going to get the athletic greens to go to church. I want to be around to pick up the pieces.

when somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart as I a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who leave you to learn That misery loves company Wait and see

I mean I want to be around See how he does it When he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if a puzzle fits So fine That's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet as I sit there applauding

when somebody breaks your heart like you