The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #728 - Rick Ingraham

Episode Date: October 16, 2019

Rick Ingraham, a stand up comedian and the co host of "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Policy Genius - Policy Genius helps you compare and find the right home, auto, life or disability insurance for you. Check them out at www.policygenius.com   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble.

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You play, you win, you get motherfuckers. fucking bay Jack Lee kick this fucking meal once and for all We got my man Rick Ingrams We got the Christ killer with a fucking ready to go Uncle Joey a little ac dc kick that meal lead I want fire to come out of those speakers I don't give a fuck Wednesday, Thursday morning whatever the fuck you want bitch

Where's Dean Del Rey? I never stole me no cigarettes. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me or what, Rick? They fucking rock, man. You don't come out with nothing but fucking, this is like the back of fire of Batman's car. When he pulls up, flames that come on.

That jet engine. You start with the jet engine. I like that. Rick, I'm a pleasure to have you. Oh, thanks for having me on, man. Everybody deserves to be on this podcast for a long time. It's been you. I appreciate it.

And here we are. You're shooting your first special for all things, comedy on Friday. Yep, Thursday night. Thursday night. You got a little blessing from Al and fucking the King of Comedy, Bill Burr. Yeah, they're helping me out. They're really good people.

They are, man. I know they're doing great things with all thing comedy. Came back from your city. Yep. Great city. Went over to Q-39. Great barbecue. Like I was telling you before this show,

nothing bothers me when somebody thinks they're smart or they swarm me. And they talk to you about how they're going. going to the Prance or Bali or some shit. That's all great. We'll go to Kansas City first. You know, I think if I was president of the United States, there'd be a 30 state requirement before you were able to leave the United States.

Check out your country. We have to offer before you go dropping your money over there with those commie bastards. My mom went to Europe. She left America for the first time ever this last summer. She wanted my sister to go watch the women's soccer games in France, whatever. And my dad did not go because he said, now there's still too much in America I want to see.

So he's full-blooded American. With me, I think that's the biggest blessing that I've gotten from comedy that I've gotten to see what we're really about as American people. Yeah. You know, I know when I see these people around my neighborhood that raised their kids a certain way. Then two weeks later, I'm in Kansas City, St. Louis, you know. Yeah.

I'm a part of the country. Real America. And you see how people act, how people, you know, these people don't take care of themselves. You see the differences. Yeah. There's people's ankles look like they're about to die, like I thought. You know, but they're nice people.

Warm. Yeah. It's real nice to go to breakfast and look at your tab, and it's $7.87. Yeah. And you look like you're rob. in the joint you're looking around at cameras just yeah but since they got you they must messed up right you walked out on a 22 dollar tab but and you look at it you see two eggs bacon

home fries yeah a toast coffee included right you know take a cup to go yeah you know and you're like wow i live in ala well this is 22 dollars they eat yeah get that 45 dollar brunch you see yeah or you're like it's it's literally just kale and in egg whites yeah no you see what america who's still holding it down. You see what you don't pay. The tax bracket we were discussing this two days ago, the tax brackets that we pay. So it's pretty interesting. It's also interesting to see how Kansas City is a comedy town, but there's still, there were chiefs people at the airport with full chief regalia on Thursday night, like the employees. Yeah. Then Friday, when I went to Q39, and I walked around the city,

I saw more fucking red shirts. Red Friday. Red Friday. It was tremendous. And you're like, if they act like this on a Friday, what are these savages act like on a fucking Sunday? Yeah,

they're out of control. Tremendous. A couple years ago, and they won the World Series. I saw how emotional you were, and I looked into it. It was the last time they won. Yeah, 30 years.

I still remember everybody used to hit great home runs at the old Kansas City with a water fountain. We still got it. Oh, that's still the state? stadium they just they just rebuilt it instead of when I was a kid every time somebody hit a good home run it was at that fucking stadium yeah like Pete Rose played there Johnny bench played there yeah and that was that stadium has still a lot of fucking history yeah and the royals and the

Yankees were like rivals 70s and 80s yeah so it's the American League West versus American League East and I know not everyone like sports you know not you don't have to like sports but like I still get choked up like there's a guy on the Celtics now named taco who they're going Like when they go crazy, like I remember for that Kansas City World Series, there was a guy from like Japan or China or something. The Korean, he was a Korean. Korean. They flew him in. And he just fell in love with the team and the city fell in love with him.

Like when the, like, that's how I know I like the city. Like when like the stadium is full at the beginning and it's full at the end. Yeah. Like small stuff like that. We don't do that. The other night when the Dodgers, when they hit the Grand Slam, you can see people leave. I hate that. There are yellow seats all throughout Dodger Stadium.

You could see people leaving. And that's the style. It's like when you do a UFC in Vegas. Yeah. It's the last fight. You think those two seats next to your empty, you tell your buddies come down, and you'll see some guy come in for the last fight. Right.

Go do that same UFC fight in the prelims. It's packed at prelim time. Right. Those people pay $298. They get every minute that's coming to them. You know what I'm saying? They get every minute that's coming to them. Yeah, middle America, they don't fuck around sports.

You know, because that's what they have to do. Texas. All week. Texas. Yeah. Oklahoma. I mean, it's just, I love it. I love this time of the year.

I love to see the college, you know, and I'm not, I don't know who's playing when. Yeah. I just know that if I sit down and I see two teams, I go, oh, shit, it's an old rivalry. You know, Ohio State, whatever, Colorado, Nebraska. That's the country, man. Yeah. If you can get people talking shit, I'm in. Amen.

Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of talking shit, I taught you. Lee for eating lizard meat all the time. I think I actually ate mouse meat last night. I'm so excited to hear the story. You know me? I talk about my successes

that I've been limited and I speak about my failures on this podcast. But I have an excuse. Like when Lee used to go get the lizard meat over at that taco place, he had been warned. Okay, he had been warned repeatedly and he kept going back, he kept going back, his father ended up in the hospital.

It's never been the same again. It doesn't matter. If Lee's, he had been born repeatedly. eating at it they got lizard meat fucking Lee there's a Cuban thing called boccaditos they're tremendous what are those you need a thousand of them of course it's this fucking thing they make like ham spread on white bread and they cut the edges off and they're all triangles and they cut them in half and you go to a Cuban birthday party they got tables full of them and they have like little hollers in this like a pimento loaf okay and you start

eating them when you're high and you just can't stop and the next thing you're just shit and fucking seeds from all the pimento's you eat all those little red stones that covered around your shit so i told my wife around this a there's a web page there's a facebook page called all things cuban and they had a recipe for it so i sent it to my wife and i know it includes deviled ham does anybody know what devil's ham i'm never even heard of it exactly that's how fucking you don't even want to know it sounds authentic the devil ham was big in the 70s it was a spread that you just put on bread and you ate it and it really tastes like Vienna sausages crushed down but God knows it's crushed in like that's why I don't like hummus because everybody thinks it's just got banzas

I don't know it's ice is sperm and it's like fucking a rabbi a lot of yeah yeah like you don't know some of that terrorist duck butter from the chowd yeah you eat that hummus and go this doesn't taste the same no because there's no ice is soldier's sweat on it that's what they're trying to do we get into your DNA so they can try to radisholize you. So the next thing you know, you're fucking kneeling, fucking praying at lunchtime. You know what I'm saying? Seen it a thousand times. So last night, about six o'clock, it's Monday night I'm off.

I pop 300 milligrams of those capsules. I'm solo. I'm watching the Washington Saturdays, whatever, Nationals kick the fuck out of St. Louis. Yeah. And finally, my daughter goes to bed. My wife goes to bed. It's 9.15. I go, what a great time to write.

At 11 o'clock, Sun's Anarchy comes on. It gives me an hour of 45 to take care of, just little things. I wanted to write out a joke and whatever. Oh, my God. About 10.30, the hunger, they just fucking stop. So I opened up with a banana. I'm on weight watches. I open up with a banana.

No biggie. Still hungry. Open up with an apple. Ooh. Not doing it. Not doing it now. Then I got a protein ball. Boom.

That filled me up for a little one. while, but I eat it something disgusting. Pizza. I need the tool of a sandwich. I need something. So I go on the cabinet. That some substance. My wife doesn't get no more co-cuts.

We're on a no-coct fucking thing for like the last eight months. There's no more salami. Salami was my savior at night before. Sun's anarchy. A little salami little American cheese on white bread with some mustard. Nobody gets their feelings hurt. There's nothing.

There's fucking hot dogs. I don't know how to use the stove. It's one of those New Year 8 stoves. So I look at the cabinet, and listen to the cabinet, behold, she actually went and bought the recipe for that thing. There was that fucking devil's hand. Took it out and popped it open and just spread it on white bread. And as I was eating it, the first two bites were marijuana-based.

Like you don't eat the paste that's in the sandwich. But by the time I got to the third bite, started tasting weird. That tasted rodents and eyeballs all. Vienna sauces. They had a little bit of the inner sausage. Just a little bit next to it. Yeah. But everything else is just bad.

Yeah. I took the can away. I threw the fucking bread away. And I made toast and I went to bed. My grandpa used to refer to mystery things like that. It's nothing but lips and assholes. That's all of it. Yeah.

And they give it to you in prison, mental institutions. And if you're on the white trash side of life, you go home and there's devil pammy. Wow. Oh, man. We got the fancy stuff. without Kool-Aid, devil ham, and potato chips. We're going deep into the murky water. Not eating spam tonight.

Dog, 6 a.m. My eyes just opened. I swear to God, my eyes just opened. Fire guts. And it felt like it was concrete. So I walked over first and tried to get coffee to really open it up. I knew I had an apple and a banana net. So I knew I was safe.

That's when you're covered. You got a little. A little loo. Apple was there to fucking open up the asshole. I drank a coffee, couldn't even finish the coffee. I had to run to the bathroom. And it was one of those 20-minute bricks to come out. Oh, yeah.

But once the brick came out, it was like, like a fucking demolition derby. And then I got up and it started squirting. Like, I started squirting. I had the squirt for 15 minutes. I did another express. I'll get that little baby rat foot. Sure. Maybe it was like a claw that got caught.

Yeah, a little talon hooked in there. So, wait. How much do you eat? Like, how many scoops? Three bites. That's it. Oh, the fuck. Of half the can.

It was like, I just made a thin sandwich just to test the ground. We're talking like bubonic plague rat meat, though. I mean, this is fucking nasty guy. Like, it destroyed my internal system. The devil. I had to cancel my 9 o'clock boxing class. I had to cancel my night because I kept playing it out. Let me see how I feel at 10.

Right. At 10, I was feeling. Then I started puking. Well, I said, I shit the first time I puked breakfast and I go, that's it. I cancel my 11 o'clock doctors. and I fucking went and laid down. Because that's how I tested it. If something doesn't taste good when you're high,

that's how you know it's not like. It's not good. Yeah, that's what's right. It's fresh. The label, it's just, it's something that you brought from your childhood. Yeah. That does not work anymore. Well, your body.

The problem, they probably don't make it anymore. So it was probably a jar from your childhood. It probably is. No, they still make it. They still make it. It's big. It's big because you added the dishes. Right.

White people. A lot of white people, Midwest. Yeah. It makes them feel cultured. When you go to prison, you eat that shit once a week. All right. You could order that from the commissary. God.

Because of devil's hammering that night. Put it on a fucking... Is it like the stuff you get at CVS? And it's like... I think I might have seen that. I didn't know it was a spread. It's a white can with a devil on it. With a little devil on it.

That's how you know. Beware the devil. That devil got into me this morning like the Exorcist. I'm surprised my head didn't spread. He was trying to tear through his fucking. Christ, my, I was, it was bad. I went to sleep about 10.45, and I got up at 12, 30. Sheesh.

Jumped in the shower. Shaved, got out, had some chicken soup, made a hit by one, took two bonkets. Yeah, I was surprised. They didn't get a call from you today. I was, oh, I wonder what's going on? He must be busy. No, yeah, I was out cold. He was busy surviving.

It sounds like, I got a big day. Yeah, I got spots at the store. I got there. I'm like, this is the last day you really want to fucking get sick. so yeah this is it so Thursday night huh Thursday night one hour yep gonna do an hour and uh yeah I mean it's just it's hard for me to get to opportunities to do extended time especially in L.A. so I kind of been talking to you know Brenton over at all things comedy about trying to work something out and he hit me up a couple weeks ago and it was like hey you know we got this date at the comedy

store would you want to do it then and uh I said sure so going to get a couple cameras and just try and catch some of that magic because you know the comedy stores i mean it's it's an incredible lineup every night did you start in kansas city yeah i did i did i did open mic in kansas city for like two years when i was in college at stanford and sons and uh down in westport in kansas city um the late craig glazers comedy club back then and uh you know was we like I started Chris Porter was doing the open mics back then there a guy named Mike Baldwin my buddy John Sheezer pretty much the same see the same people Dustin Kaufman the guy who now owns a comedy club in Kansas City and uh but it's like I could get up

once maybe twice a week and I you know I was I wanted to be on Saturday night live back then so I did impressions and shit like that and uh always had my plan though you know I wanted to move New York or L.A. as soon as I was old enough to get into the clubs. So I was just kind of wasting time in college until I turned 21. And once I turned 21, started making the plan to move and, you know, lucked into a situation where my, my girlfriend at the time cheated on me. That really motivated me to get the fuck out as well. So things just kind of fell into place and moved out here. I actually came out for a weekend over Christmas the year before I moved out. Comic named Freeze Love.

Yeah, he, some sort of a friend of a friend told me to go down to the comedy store and meet this guy named Freez Love. And he would show me around the comedy clubs or whatever. So I went down there. I was only 20. Couldn't get in the club. Kind of was hanging out on the patio. Freeze showed up. Talked to me for a little bit.

He said, well, let's go in. I said, yeah, they won't let me in. said oh no you're with me now it's cool walk by the back door guy guy said yeah he doesn't have an id and free said yeah he doesn't need one we just walked right past them they let me in perform to the belly room i was hooked i'm like oh this is oh you did perform yeah they let me perform i did like seven minutes at the end of a show up there like right around midnight or something 10 people and uh never even went to new york i was so enamored by los angeles and end of december it was like 75 degrees.

I'm just loving it. Got to perform and moved out. The end of the following summer. Came out. I was still 21. Started working the door. I did open mics at the comedy store, the laugh factory, all that bullshit.

What year was this? 2002. Okay. So, you know, I'd do the sit outside all day waiting to do the open mics and Renazizi and Eleanor. Asked me if I was, I wanted a job there and started working the door there.

Then I was working the door there. What a great door staff. I was my all-time favorite door staff. Yeah. Yeah, it was a good crew. Ari, yeah, Skippy Simon, Renazizi. Cap. Cap.

Yeah. Duncan was a talent coordinator. Duncan was a talent coordinator. Duncan, when I got passed, when Mitzie passed me, it was a complete fluke. it was i'd worked the door there for maybe four months i had like maybe five minutes of okay material but mitsy just saw something and was like oh you're a regular but i was i was showcasing to keep my job as a doorman so i didn't even think like hey i might become a paid regular tonight and duncan was sitting with her because duncan's a talent coordinator so duncan comes down hey man

he did great man mitsy wants you to be a regular and knowing duncan i'm just like god damn it duncan's fucking with me. And so I truthfully didn't think it was real at all. Like at no point was I like, this might be legit. It's just like, still fucking with the new guy. So

he's like, yeah, calling your avails tomorrow. I'm like, all right, man. And then the next day, the comedy store called me and they said, yeah, you're going to put in your veils? I was like, what? This is real? And then Duncan was like, why did you think I was fucking with you? I go, because you're Duncan. You're Duncan.

You're Duncan Truzzle. Why wouldn't I think you were fucking with me? And then Mitty gave me a spot immediately opening the show and then just bombed so hard for eight people or whatever, the first night. Was she in the room? No, no one was there. Yeah, thank God. Yeah, I just remember I did my five minutes,

and then I'm just trying to throw shit at the wall. And as soon as that light came on, I was so excited just to bring up Argus and not have to perform anymore. And then Argus, oh, wow, you know, we bring up a lot of young pups here, the club and you know tried to smooth things over basically being like you know he's a kid give him give some slack at that time he had seen it all yeah yeah at that time he had seen it all like and i talked to him a bunch because you know i was a door guy so you know he'd get there 15 minutes

for a set and tell us old stories and stuff so he uh he covered for me and then it's he would just give me opening spots for the first year so And then a couple times she was there. She'd watch me. It was nerve-wracking, but she'd always be- When you'd bomb and she'd watch her. Oh, I'm done. I'm done.

I might as well move. You got in your car and you're like, I better look around because this is the last time I'm coming down. Yeah, I couldn't even do that. I had to go back to the back door. I still live by that code, even though she's got. Yeah. Like, if I go down there and I have a bad night, I'm like,

she knows. Fucking Adam's not going to call me back next Tuesday. Yeah. Even though there's no chance. It's such a psychological beating that we'd give ourselves. When she was around on Saturday nights, it used to just destroy me. Like the first three or two months.

I'd pray to God. Yeah. I'm going to go see fat baby. You don't want to go see that. Yeah, that's a fucking fat baby. I remember that. I remember being like, who's fat baby? And they'd be like, because they would be on the lineup.

And she'd put you last sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Who the fuck is fat baby? That's what she wants Joey Diaz to go by. Oh, yeah. You just go up and destroy a fat baby. And nobody knew my name.

Wait, she wanted you to go by it. I thought that was just her nickname for you. She wanted you to go by that. It was on the lineup. It was on the line up. Fat baby. Oh, no. Because I posted an old lineup a couple months ago,

and the first thing people know it's like, who's fat baby? I'm like, that's what Mitchie. That's what she called Joey Diaz. Would they make you bring, like coming up next to the stage, Fat Baby? No. Okay, thank God.

The comics knew him is Joe. Okay. But if Mitzie was there, then you had to do it Mitzie won. And I even saw him once go up in a giant diaper. Me? Yeah. Did I? Yeah.

No shirt on. And I mean, literally destroyed the room. And in a time when people weren't destroying a room because comedy was in a very grave situation. In like the mid-Ots, early 2000s, it was. 2000 to 2003. People were not looking to laugh. They were not going to the store. No one was there.

Nobody was there. And it was post 9-11, so everyone was just like, yeah, I don't know. Things aren't good. But it was, it was tough times. I got to tell you, even pre-9-11 was funny in that place. Just rob it up a while on Sundays. So good. Just rob it up a while on Sundays.

People have to understand that. That's one of those comedy store specific things that people who've been around, like actually been around, get. So I remember Robin Williams coming in one night. He was doing press for RV. And this was, he was there like two nights in a five-month period of time. One was my 25th birthday where I just got hammered with them. And then the next day people were like, you know, he was sober, right?

I was like, oh, fuck. And you drank one? I drank, smoked. I mean, we got fucking hammered. And you get down the night, he's like, this is the most wasted I've been in 30 years. I'm like, cool, man. I'm not thinking anything of it. The next night, Don Barris was like, I was telling Jimmy Kimmel about you guys last night.

And, you know, he said Robin's been in. you know he's been sober for decades and like oh fuck me no one told no one said anything i just thought we were having fun and then he came back a couple months later and uh you know i said look dude i'm sorry i didn't know he's oh i needed to get it out my system and i'm back being sober blah blah blah i'm like all right and i truly felt bad but at the same time i'm like that was awesome yeah but he comes back and he's hanging out and it's late night and robert william mapprovaya goes on stage and Robin's down by the main room and he walks down the hall and he looks in and he goes Holy fuck that guy is still here I go yeah and he goes I feel like I just saw a ghost I can't

believe that this is still a thing just like 30 years of being a paranoid schizophrenic doing the same Johnny Carson style psychopath though comedy said about marijuana and oh put look put look wouldn't he put his finger around there was no one. He would do that. Don Barris because he was a Nazi. Don's a Nazi. Skippy Simon was a Nazi.

There was a lot of rambling about how, because Robert William Approvaya believed he was supposed to take over the Tonight Show for Johnny Carson. And so when Jay Leno took over, he felt that it was because Jay is part of a Nazi conspiracy against him. Of course.

And so he will ramble about how Jay Leno is evil and Mavis, his wife Mavis is evil. But he wouldn't say Jay Leno because that would be evil. So he always referred to him as Lemongelo. And I'm not about to go watch Lemongelo perform the Tonight Show. And I would just sit in the front row and laugh at everything he said. That was my role in the mayhem was to be his biggest fan.

And then Don Barris at some point would be like, you think that guy's funny. He's my favorite comic. He'll show you favorite comic. And Don would come down, physically pick me up. And at that point, I weighed about a buck 45. And he would pick me up over like up to his shoulders and then just heave me at Robert Apravia. And I'd just go flailing.

And Robert, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Nazi attack, Nazi attack. And he always called me Eric. No matter how many times I told him my name was Rick. Oh, I'm really sorry about that, Eric. He would lock himself in the bathroom. He'd have in that corner. Yeah. And that kept the one on for a while.

Same, same outfit every day. Same outfit. Stuffed. Yeah. Green, green, corduroy suit. Just same outfit. Trash bags. I never smelled them.

Oh, it was horrible. Rancid. But I know the night that I was out of town, they lived the bathroom on fire to get them out. Yeah. And I got the call from Corey saying, did you light Robert at Bavilla on fire? I go, I'm in Miami. Yeah, I'm not there. Who the fuck would do something like this?

I go, why would you think I would out of all the fucking people? It's got to be Joey. Yeah, it's got to be Joe. I wouldn't like, I didn't even... Something I didn't like Robert and so I knew he was crazy. Yeah. And by the time Robert came in, I was doing... Coke yeah so he was starting to creep me out understandably yeah but it's funny the

the story I'm gonna tell you now it's gonna explain a lot of things to you I have a lot of respect for the dormant yeah more than some of the comics in some situations yeah because you wanted that bad right you're there watching Martin Lawrence come in Eddie Griffin Joe Rogan you know all these names at that time yeah Yeah, yeah. Those are the... We were Doran. Dice and those guys were the names that came in.

Because I had the door on Sundays. She would let me work the door on Sunday and host. Okay. And then I would host the second part of the thing. And then I would give Don Barris the... The late late duties. And I disappeared. I got a package of Coke.

But there was... You guys were young. Yeah. One of my best nights there. And you're going to understand a lot by the story. I walk in one night. And a kid by the name of Johnny Caparulo comes up. He's working the door, but he's working the back door, and he's watching the comics.

And he says to me, I want to know how to get more spots in here. And I'd watched him during the open mic, I'm like, this is a funny fucking kid. Yeah. I go, so I decided to go into Joey Diaz mode. I go, John, you got a greaser. And John's like, well, I only make $8 on that time she's paying shift. I got $25 a shift. A shift.

Nine-hour shift. These guys who get 25 bucks. Yeah. He goes, I'm getting shift work. I need those $15. Yeah. So this went out for like two or three nights. Right.

Come back to me. So how do I give it to him? I said, just don't come for your check. So I called Duncan that day. I'll dunk him what's going on. And I go tonight come down. I'll never forget him. He was a kid.

Yeah. He was a sweet, sweet kid. And he was like, Joey. So what do I have to do for a second? I go first dog, you have to give him something like a token of you. Going full godfather. A 50, a hundred. And he looked at me like he was like, I'm not to call my mother Mary.

Like that's how young you guys were. Yeah. Like that's how, and I'm fucking dying inside. Here comes Duncan. Caparillo's working at the golf course at the time, making extra money. Yeah. And Duncan came home and I go, Duncan, tell him the rules breaking down from him. And he goes, yeah, you want spots.

I go, get all your $15. And since Diaz brought you in, Diaz gets $5. And at first, you could tell he was not happy with it. Yeah, he's like, that's my whole. And he's like, okay, it looks like, I'm going to have them. Like, fuck you, ah, we played a joke on him, and it was great. That's how much I loved that kid. Yeah.

He was a kid. Yeah. I still remember being on a fucking hailstorm and getting a call in the original room box. In those days, people were right out and go, Joe, you got to call. call. The original. You know, like, what? There's no cell phones.

I had a fucking cell phone. Yeah. I had a pager. Yeah. I don't be getting on that call. And it was like, Austin, Texas had a fallout on Sunday night. And I had called her one night,

Margie out of the blue and said, can I get it? And she called me. And she goes, can you come to Austin, be there Tuesday night? And I'm like, Tuesday night. I got like minus 18 in the bank account. Right.

Mitzie's checked, though, Friday and I think I called right from the comedy store I went to that remember when the back phone was in the kitchen yeah yeah that back from you had down nine you get long distance and sure right but no you can make long distance call from there then they started saying somebody keeps making long distance calls from the bar yeah though it was me you know we used to do it from the phone room too because that was the I went and I called whoever you had a call like one 800 high nine four one one delta the number of one eight hundred two two two and then You could easily be connected for an extra additional 20 cents.

Beep, it's on the store. I got to get to Austin, and they gave me like, it was, this is playing tickets to all 200. Right. It was 200 to go everywhere. And I remember going, Ari was a dormant, but he was booking commercials. Yeah. And I go, I need 200 hours.

And Ari gave them. And he goes, I'm never going to see this. And I go, I promise you, you're going to see this. At that time, me and Ari were friends. Yeah. Not brothers. Right. Friends.

And I remember before I left, I got a sack check. Like a residual, and I couldn't wait to see him that Tuesday. I go, here's your two and a half. He's like, I wrote it off. And ever since then, we've become friends. That's how we became friends. I remember back then they didn't have weed stores everywhere. So you still had to, like, get weed from people.

And so I worked at this shitty restaurant in Manhattan Beach, but I just knew a bunch of stoner South Bay kids who grew pot. And so one of them grew this white widow. It was just crazy good. And I would bring it up to the store and smoke everyone out. And I smoked Joey out one night. And he was just like, that shit is fucking crazy. I'm like, yeah.

And you're like, you got to get me some of that. I'm like, all right. So worked at the restaurant the next day, brought some up for you. And I remember you were like, you said, I didn't bring money, but can I get you next time I see you? And I'm like, all right. Didn't think anything of it. And I'd already, at that point, like, we'd. had fucked me over before and Mike Ricka and some other guys.

I just remember being like, you know, I want these guys to like me so it's cool, whatever. And I didn't see you for like eight months, but you would call me like every couple months. You'd be like, hey, I'm gonna be at the store tonight, are you there? And I'd be like, no, I'm on the road with Pauli. And you'd be like, all right, well, I got you still.

I remember being like, is this guy really gonna still give you the money? Yeah. And it was almost a year. It was probably like nine or ten months before I saw you again. I went on the road. Yeah, you were on the road. I went on, I ate a bag of dick at the improv one night, and it just cracked me. Like, here I was, it's okay for me to bomb at the comedy store.

Right. But the bomb away. Yeah. And the other side of Hollywood, I bombed in between Nick DePaolo and Doug Stano. Well, yeah. And I was a regular store. But I didn't deserve to be at the store. She was just bringing me along.

Me, I thought I could be do spots at the improv. I get sandwich in between two killers. Yeah. And I just went on a, in fact, one of the two, I went on too long, one was like nine months. Yeah. And then I was just thinking about this. The one I started, because I was away for New Year's 2000. Okay, that's going to be 20 years ago.

Right. Started with a belly room show. That's the first time I ever told stories on stage. So I've been doing comedy about eight years. And I did a belly room show. Mitchie kept saying, do a belly room shower. You got five hours I had, no, whatever the fuck it was. I did a belly room show.

I got like 40 people. I think I made like 100 bucks or something. Yeah. Something shitty, 80 bucks or something. Right. But I spent it all on blow. And somebody snuck a bottle of tequila. We were crazy.

Yeah. And we just went outside and got hammered afterward. And the next day, I think I would start with like, I would fly in to like Buffalo. And just do a weekend in Buffalo for Yoda, go over to Toronto. Right. This is pre-9-11. Yeah.

Yeah, that will let me into Toronto. Right. Do a couple one-nighters for yuck-yucks. Come back and then go city to city. Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse. Right. New Jersey, Northern New Jersey. Real touring.

D.C., yeah, but featuring an MC. Yeah. Just banging it out. $300 one week, $150, one week. You go week to week. Nobody knows nothing. Yeah, yeah. And some of the weeks I had, there were weeks,

they went there two weeks open, and I just knew something would happen. Right. I would end up somewhere. That's Sunday night at the club, somebody's going to say, hey, what are you going to do next? Well, I'm looking for a spot.

I'm looking for a spot. Well, I got a one nighter on Tuesday, and my buddy one's wrong Friday. If you want to sleep on my couch, you could, and there you go, boom, right. You're going to pick up 300, and, you know, so I went out just going out. It's not that I went out of the world,

Joey Diaz, too. There's no tours that. You had anchors. Yeah. And while you were out, you were hoping. Yeah, not premiere clubs, half the shows are just at fucking bars and coffee house. Mormons do not use curse words. Right.

You don't even know that Mormons until you get there. Yeah. You're working on a new bit of sticking your dick up your wife's ass without knowing. And you get there and there's a fucking Mormon note. There's a Mormons tonight. Yeah. You can not use any R-rated material. It just made you switch it out.

Yeah. What did you learn all those? early years at the store. I mean, you learned from every facet. You do, yeah. You learned things to do, what not to do? Yeah, from watching comics, both good and bad, you learn what you should never do,

what is a good path to take. My problem early on, and I would do okay, I always did okay. You know, I'd bomb some nights and I would do great some nights, but most of the time I was just doing okay then. I was doing what a lot of young comics do, which is I was almost imitating the comics I really liked. So I wasn't writing jokes from my perspective.

It would be like I would be doing a bit. And looking back now, I'm like, you know what? I still think that bit would have been funny if I was Sebastian. But being me, I am nothing like Sebastian. And so it just comes off differently and it would never work as much. me but I wasn't writing from my perspective I'm watching Sebastian crush every night and going I need to write jokes like that and so then working at the store and doing those late night spots and doing even when I got opening spots or whatever I never got good spots so that's out of the

question but I just I was learning it took me two or three years of learning just to be myself on stage you know not what I thought I should be just actually be who I am People would always go, you're so much funnier offstage. And so it took me a long time. It was not bobby. Yeah, oh, it drives me mad. It drives me crazy. And I know people were doing the same shit to you

because you're just such a funny person, like in a conversation where you're like, how do I translate it? And it just took, it took bombing a lot to learn to finally be me. And then once I was me, then it was, you know, at that point I started doing a lot of crowd work because I just felt like such a, fraud doing the same jokes every night. And once I started doing crowd work, it really started kind of opening up my ability to do well.

I started having more sets where I was kind of crushing. And as more and more comedians started hating me for doing it, I'm the type of person that I kind of get a kick out of pissing people off. So it was like, oh, this is what I want to do. So then for years, that's all I was doing. It was just doing crowd work. And I was convincing myself, well, you know, someone will let me do Comedy Central with this kind of thing. And it took another five years before I'm like, oh, no one, no one's ever going to let me do that on Comedy Central because they want to know every word you're going to say.

Start writing jokes again, getting back and doing some material. But I still am very heavy with crowdwork because I feel like that's my specialty. Yeah, that's what I'm good at. And it's not just talking to people. You know, making fun of them, all that, some of it. But talking to people inspires random, stupid, funny things in my brain that, you know, kind of become bits, I guess. And it's just, it's kind of developed into how comedy works most authentically for me. So you look very organic up there doing it.

Yeah. Which is the number one thing when you do comedy. Yeah. Is you want it to be as organic as it could be. You know, that takes you years to learn. Yeah. What is organic for those words to naturally come out of you. When you see Doug Stanhope say that word,

and you try to mimic that word, it's not naturally coming out of you. It's a funny word. There's words of the funny. Zonophon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But that process that you learned at the store, I picked up a bad habit in New York. When I went to New York in 93, everybody spoke to them. And I used to go up there with, I would take a 30-minute gig, knowing I had eight minutes of material, counting on 22 minutes of, hey, how you doing, where you're from? Right. I got pretty good at it. Yeah.

I got pretty good at a 30-year comedy, 40-year comedy. I was still writing, but that was my go-to, was improvising. And then by the time I went to Seattle, I was really doing it. Right. I was fucking making a living of it, but I knew two things. It was 50-50. Right. It was either going to destroy

or it was going to be a long night. Right. Then I got to L.A. And at this comedy store, it took me like two years to find my voice at the store. I'm lucky that she stuck it out with me for two years.

As a comic, you go through a lot of shit like that, going from a road feature to becoming a comedy store regular. There's a lot of mysticism that goes through your head. Right.

So the first thing that, tell you is not to talk to the audience right okay and then it's like you have this you know you're not supposed to talk to the audience but you do it and I kept doing that the store I kept going through all these phases of tonight I'm gonna say a bit and let them pause before I go into the next one like I did experimental shit sure two years it cost bombing Experimental in the comedy world means bombing. Yeah. Don't ever get those words confused.

Yeah. When a scientist is doing an experiment, he's doing it for something positive. When a comedian is experimenting, that's the equivalent of those saying, we're going to go bomb. Oh, yeah, I'm going to go fuck up tonight. I'm going to be experimenting with some things. Unless you got a lab coat on, you either sucking dick or you're bombing in my fucking world. Yeah. And that was the thing that I wanted my percentages to get higher.

So little by little, I went away from talking to the audience. And that time in Jersey, when I was already a regular, I was already a regular, and I was doing, analyze that. And I took the week in Jersey for a film. I called the guy and told him, I'm shooting this movie, so right away he wanted to hire me. Sure. And he made me a feature for a headliner.

And that was the big, if that was 202, if I think analyzed that came out in 203, Yeah, I was still doing the thing, but now I was doing it at the store every night, which was making me fucking deadly. Oh, yeah, Kraft is honed. Vinnie Faberito started coming in. Yeah. And he was very good at that. But Vinnie Faberito really wasn't improvising.

He was pre-writing all shit. Yeah, yeah, it's like Don Rickles style. Using it pre-pre, but that's the gift to make it seem like it's happening today. Yeah. But the first time you go see Fini Faberito the next night, you're like, Oh! He's doing it word for word. That's not fucking improvising you bum.

Charles Fleischer would do that too. Yes, Charles Fleischer would do that. First time I watch him, I'm like, holy fuck, this dude is quick. And the second night, I'm like, wait a goddamn second. Wow. And it hurts you. Yeah. Like, it hurts your feelings.

It's like, if you go see your favorite comic bomb, that's one thing. Yeah. But to see your favorite bombing, your comic do improvised that yet. You're like, I want to wait $20. This guy fucking lied to me. I saw the line on the pigeon. You know what I'm saying when it flew away? Well, as a young comic who I don't really do any crowdwork,

it seems like such a risk to do all crowdwork because, I mean, I do bits for weeks and months before I tried out at a real show. And for you to just say what's on top of your head at a real show for the first time, like you said 50-50. To me, it's even like 25, 70. Like, there's such a big risk of it bombing that I would, like, I don't even want to take that risk. So to hear that, like, you're just completely going up there cold is amazing.

Explain to him that improvising is something you choose. Yeah. Improising is something that one night you realize you're in a jam. Yeah. You're in a jam. You're definitely doing it. You're teaching yourself to swim. You're drowning.

But it's, uh, you know, it's one of those things where it's truly, you either have the mind and it's going to work or you don't. Like I've had so many comics tell me like, dude, anyone could do crowd work and blah, blah, blah. And I go, all right, I've never seen you do crowd work. They go, well, I can do it. And then they go up and they do like two minutes of bombing doing crowdwork. And they just go straight back to their material.

And they're like, yeah, it just wasn't working. I'm like, yeah, because you can't do it. but I don't I'm not going to say who it was I don't even remember the guy's name but I saw one guy do like 25 minutes of possibly like the worst crowd working it hurts as an audience because he it would

it's so I had to give you a compliment I started going to the store before I even met Joey and when I would see you on the on the lineup I loved it but I would also be like okay I'm going to sit in the back a little bit because he's fucking because you're good and then I don't know how many years ago you didn't stop but you didn't stop but you didn't do it as,

you didn't do as much. I kind of was like sad. I was like, oh, yeah, I miss the crowd work. Yeah, that's what a lot of people would tell me when I started, because there was a couple years where I was just trying to do material.

And it was fine because now I'm more sure of who I am. So my material is more authentically me, I guess. But people would be like, yeah, it was nice because I'm at the store all the time. And you see the comics doing the same bits, but it was cool because I knew at least you, you would be different.

Right. And I'd be like, yeah. But it just, it truly makes me feel better when I'm going up there free-minded, just like, this is what I want to do. You know, like not having it all planned out. Like I feel more accomplished doing a set of almost all crowd work than I do material. Not that I think doing material is bad because I do like doing that as well.

now but it's you know i've watched so many people bomb doing it there's a guy a door guy remember jimmy pidd yes love jimmy pitt chicago chicago nice kid nice kid super funny off stage great kid he's still contacts me yeah i didn't talk to him this time he lives in florida now okay that's what yeah he was in buffalo for a while and i lives in florida i remember watching him do crowd work one night in the oar and all the comics in the back were just dying. But it just, there was just nothing to it. There's no substance to this crowd or it could be like, yeah, where are you from? So I'm like, New Orleans.

New Orleans, ain't never been there. And then that was the end of it. It was like, what? What? That's your reference? Is that you've never been there? But it literally was destroying all the comics in the back. All of us just losing our shit laughing in the crowd just like, what the fuck is going on?

Have you ever thought of this? something so quickly that what others your words, your insides almost break from laughter. That you're like, you walk off there and I'll never forget being on the store and dying and improvising. And just looking at something and going, where are you from, and then going, I did a book report on you once.

And the audience went crazy and I went crazy. I'm like, how do I even forget that? Like, no, how did I remember them? I did sixth grade. I did a book report on Denmark. Mark. Yeah. How to get the encyclopedia, rip the pages out.

Staple them and take them home. Yeah. But no, it's a... That's just brain association, though, and that's, you know, that's one of those things. Like, just saying a grown man, you especially saying that you did a book report on something is fucking hysterical. And it's the truth. Yeah.

And you're just saying the line up there because that's what you're thinking, like Denmark. I don't know shit about you other than the fucking book report. But you're saying that, it's fucking hysterical. It's an experience. Hold on one second. I got to ask you some more questions. Yeah. And now for a word from our sponsors, listen, the church of what's happened now is sponsored to you by Policy Genius.

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Policy genius. The way to buy life insurance. Get it at PolicyGenius.com and tell him Uncle Joey sent you. Stay black. Another issue I had one to speak to be about was. There's three guys at the store that I knew, and this is why I did what I did earlier on. There's three guys at the store that if you looked at on paper, they were not going to do well on the road.

And that you, you know, I had intensive, extensive conversations with him. Yeah. About road work. People try to take them on the road. Yeah. And it was just... I did...

Too much. Riddles in Chicago once. And, you know, I said, the guy who owned it and booked it would come to the comedy store and hang out. Young kid. Yeah, Brand.

He's done that. Yeah, he's out. He's done it. He's out. He's bouncing checks. Yeah. He said, well, you know, I brought so-and-so and so-and-so,

and they were great. And, you know, I love Brian Holtsman, so I brought him out, and the crowd just hated him. He said it was just brutal. It's so bad. That's just outside. And it was so bad that Holtsman was just back.

I'm not performing tomorrow. He was like, oh, come on, just tell me, you know, you can do the feature. I'm not performing here. Forget it. He said, Holtsman bombed so bad the two shows on Friday night. I think he eventually did it, but Brian essentially had to be, like, convince him,

like dude just just come tomorrow it'll be fine and I think you had a feature instead of headline to switch the feature in the headliner but Chicago was just not down with Brian Holter yeah and they that you know you've had some problems on the road yeah and my first couple years on the road you know I had tons of people telling me not to call back really we enjoyed you for the weekend but you're not really a cup of tea right we got a lot complaints you know yeah and then it went from so then I became a regular at the store and I started trimming off the fat right you learned from watching other guys that are at your level that's what's really important at the store that yeah you guys

listen to you the class that you were with this you know and just because you were a dog guy you know you had Brent with you that walked in with you and Sebastian yeah it was a hell of a class it really was yeah yeah was one of the most well the best classes that were walking there yeah it was great and I was like the fresh with us yeah yeah like you you guys meshed with us right away we were like 10 years older but yeah it was the best class like that Rick Ramos right the guy that got really chubby uh Jason Luke oh Jason J-Loo yeah J-Lo you know this is family yeah Richie Richie Taylor Richie what the funniest man to never do comedy dog you know

Richie Taylor was the shit on Sundays. Sundays was a different night up there. It was getting your dick going deep night. Like if you didn't get your dick's up and do an eight ball on Sundays at the store, you were fucking up. You weren't doing it right. Like, people were fucking getting fucked up.

Yeah. I still remember being out there four in the morning with Eddie Griffith talking about a thousand samurai has killed Bruce Lee, but one of them touched him in a rain, and he died. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is the reason I snort coke, like shit like that, you know.

I mean... Yeah, Eddie was always there till... To the weed, yeah. That reasoning was why, when I bombed after Nick DePaolo and Stanhope that night, I just took off. And those first... I did the first tour, it slipped my memory.

He was like nine months. Yeah. Stayed out there. And then the tour of 2000 started. the first week of November and went all the way until April I stayed out of LA completely. Wow.

So I would, even though I had a couch at Josh Bullshouse. Right. I just disappeared. Every six weeks, I'd send clothes home. I'd go to a new Walmart and get a couple new shirts. I'd send CDs home, get new batteries for the DVD player,

and I just had Greyhound We'll travel. Wow. No car. Hounding it. No crap. credit card, there was no ATM card. Right. It was cash, hoof, a notebook, a pen, and have couch who will travel. Right.

And I knew that if I came back before that, I wouldn't stay at the store. I had to be, so I took what I learned at the store. You know, on the road, you can expand it. You can expand on it. And then when you come back to LA, you cut it back down. Right. And all of a sudden you lose 20 minutes. You can't do that joke about Topeka no more.

Right. You got to write that off. You know, all these jokes that you picked up nine months on the road. Sure. It was a real experience for me, and that's why I think I, though,

until Rogan started taking me out, that cemented me with people. Right. Until then, I was really going out to get beat up. Yeah. Until from 91 to 2001 or two, I was going on the road to get beat up.

Like I stayed in rooms that the glass was broken. Right. And Alaska, you know, we stayed in the back room of a band room. Yeah. With beds and come on the beds.

And the, yeah, I did it. The snow was coming through the fucking window. I did, you know. I wonder if it's the same place. Yeah,

Chibu-Chalys. Oh, yeah, no, I did a place called the Shed. And they just put you in a little condo above the bar. And I was there, I think it was February. And the window.

in the living room was shattered. So it was just like negative 10 degrees air in the living room of the condo. I just remember being like, yeah, the window's broken. They're like, yeah, it's been broken since like September. I'm like, why would we... So I just remember like in the bedroom, I'd close the door, and then I'd stuff the towel

on the door so the cold air wouldn't blow in. And then I just had every blanket in the condo on me, just dying. Like, is this worth it? Oh my God. Kipson, New York, had of, bananas and they just hated the comics so they were put you downstairs it's you know the windows were covered with snow yeah the windows were covered you can't even see out there all day freezing they gave you 30% off at the restaurant you didn't want to eat their food it was so bad and it was next

to a gas station that was your life Jesus on Friday to Sunday that you left Monday you either the restaurant or you ate at the gas station there was like Indian people and they would give you Those Hindu eggs with a carry dust on them. Yeah, yeah. You're waking up with a fucking hangover from the night before and also you're going to eat these curried fucking eggs. Fuck you. I'd just eat Cheetos, a fucking gas station with a hot dog.

And that shit didn't look too good. One of the worst weeks ever was the old Kansas City Club, Sanford of the sons, when it was a block away from a Hooters. Yeah. A gas station. Yeah. How's Hooters Breakfast? It was...

We were a breakfast at the hotel, and it was continental. It was yogurt, a banana. A little box of cereal, maybe, yeah. A little box of cereal. There was no eggs then. Yeah. There was no toast then. There was no muffins then.

That free breakfast? No. So you lived on, you stole like 10 bananas. Yeah. And you brought him up to the room. And hopefully, the headliner, if you went to the radio with him, he'd stop somewhere. And that's what you got like CVS. or you got like, you know, bottled waters or fucking, you know,

you're living on $5 a month and the plane ticket comes out of that. Right. That's your toughest period of your life. Yeah. That's brutal. That's why I say you've got to do 15 of those. Yeah. Got to do 15 of those on your room.

To really grow. To really grow. Make sure you want it. It teaches you how to get 100 a set times five. You know, Tom Seguer said something months ago. He goes, I can't believe. comedy clubs are still paying 100 a set to feature. Yeah, I saw them.

They're paying 100 a set and they cut out the hotel. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I can't, like, it's not worth it for me to feature anymore. It's not. It's not worth it. Because I can make, if I do main room Friday and Saturday at the comedy store, I'll make about 600 bucks, five to 600 bucks. And I don't have to fly anywhere or go anywhere.

And if I, someone wants me to come feature in Indianapolis to see, you know, well, we need to see you. It's like, I'm going to end up spending money. I got to pay for child care. Like, it's just, it's endless. I'm going to lose money to go do it. So the feature world has been, the feature world was never really a great world to be in. Yeah. Especially when you get into the Midwest with some of the bookers that just do one night. But the feature world is just to improve. Yeah. To go to different cities, to learn to different cultures in the cities. You know, you go into deep a hole's. Yeah. where I wouldn't go at this level right now. Sure.

You'd go into Deepal Hills, Montana. Right. The other one in Montana where, you know, I'm thinking about going to Billings next year because I used to go there. Nobody goes to Billings. Yeah, I'd have a thousand fucking comedy fans that are ready to go.

Yeah, Montana's fun. It's a little back country, but it's fun. It's fun. They were doing 150 miles an hour until a couple of years. Yeah. They're not going to get offended by jokes, which is beautiful.

No, no. They're waiting for somebody to come up there. Yeah. If you look up Montana, There's really no comedy room. No. I guarantee it's whatever triple has. Yeah, there's no population to keep something.

Like, I guarantee you could draw there, but there would never be a club that could just, you know, book you and then have three weeks of guys who weren't known because there wouldn't be a crowd to go do it. But all those cities are small, and they're looking for something to do on a Friday night. Very true. Even the one they opened up in Alabama.

Didn't they open up a club in Alabama? Yeah. Zanis opened. One. They started off. Okay. It's right over. It's right over.

It's four hours in Tennessee. Yeah. And it was great. It's the same company that has one in Arizona. Right. Right. Yeah. With Liberty.

Levity or something like that. It's great. It's a great room. Yeah. I heard. Philly. He brings cheese steaks in. Hilarious.

But even those clubs. I've always admired those clubs because they're starting from scratch. They're providing something. Yeah. It's very. easy to open up a club in Atlanta but then you got to go hand-to-hand combat six other clubs yeah you open up some where nobody else is where you're the

only fucking thing yeah it's gonna take you six minutes to establish yourself yeah especially if you open up in June right like Montana Utah you know there's cities that you're not gonna draw during the summer Buffalo everyone's gonna be out Buffalo every August he goes in his pocket he loses every August yeah the club in Alaska that I performed that didn't do shows at all during the summer. Yeah, because, you know, they get 20 hours of daylight during the summer, so everyone is outside the whole time.

And then during the winter, they get two hours a day of sunlight. So people are ready to laugh because you can't go outside. It was negative 30 degrees when I landed. I just remember being like, what the fuck am I doing here? What was the day you walked into the storm? It would have been beginning of October of 2012. I lived in L.A. for four days the first time I did open mic, the comedy store. And it took me about two months to get a job.

And then I started working right before New Year's 2002. And I worked there for two and a half years until Pauley fired me while I was on the road with Pauley. So I didn't get a door shift covered. He called me on like, on Tuesday. He said, dude, we're going to show. Charlotte, bro. I go, all right. So yeah, Renner's easy. Book the commercial, dude. You got to go with me. I went, all right, cool. I got my Thursday shift covered. I got my Saturday shift covered, but no one would cover my Friday shift.

So I'm like, oh, I told Dean, no one will do it, see if you can find someone. Didn't think anything of it. What's Charlotte. It shows Thursday night. Things are great. It shows Friday night. Things are great. Saturday afternoon, meet Polly for lunch. He's like, dude, you didn't get your door shut. shift covered. I go, oh, yeah, no, I want to do it. I told Dean, sorry, dude, fired me on the road. And I'm like, oh, that sucks. And then the other part of me was like, I work nine hours a night for $25. I don't think this is a loss necessarily. I was already established at the store. So I was going to get my times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, all right, whatever. That's cool. I started working

other random shit jobs when I was in town and stuff. But, and then Paulie still took me on the road with him for another year probably before I got good enough that he had to fire me. Classic classic uh headliner move I guess. So you've been going in and out of that dump in 17 years. Yeah. And when I say dump, I say it like, it's a beautiful. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's a beautiful place.

You've become a man in there. Absolutely. You have a family now. You have a wife and a child. Yeah. Met my wife at the comedy store. Are you happy that you chose this path? Absolutely.

There isn't anything else I would rather be doing. What were you starting for? Were you reaching to be an engineer? I mean, I could tell you you're not a stupid kid. You're intelligent. You come from good stock. I mean, what were you looking to do at first? Honestly, growing up, I wanted to, you know, I guess I was like a lot of kids, I wanted

to be an athlete, but I was always tiny. By the time I was in high school, it was very apparent. I wasn't ever going to play basketball or baseball, the things I loved. I was a distance runner. not a lot of money and distance running. So I went to college for film school. I said, you know, I'm going to go to college. First year I went to a small arts college called College of Santa Fe in New Mexico.

Okay. And it just was kind of shady. It's so shady. Like Ryan Mervis went there. Annie Letterman went there. It's so shady that it's the only college I've ever heard of that closed. Like they just straight closed the college maybe 10 years ago. So yes, it's not working.

So they closed it, and then they reopened it under a different name, and then went bankrupt again, and they miraculously burned to the ground. But went there for a year, made some friends. The guy whose couch I slept on when I first moved to L.A. was a guy I met freshman year of college at College of Santa Fe. And then I transferred to KU. Went to KU for Lawrence? Yeah, up in Lawrence.

Look at you. Fucking loving it. Look at your baseling that. Oh, did. Dude. Hot women. Hot girls. Hot, hot. Hey, you, Lauren. Tons of drugs. I was totally into it.

And people always said, do you have a lot of friends, Lawrence? I got, you know what? I knew 18 drug dealers, and I probably had five friends. But, you know, I was always calling somebody. Lawrence is fun, bro. Lawrence is fucking fun. I definitely had a good time. And I started doing comedy when I was at KU.

And like I said, when I was 21, I was out. You never finished. Never finished. Told my parents, you know, I'm really... Save the money. Don't wait by money. Yeah. I just said, I don't know what the point of doing this is.

When I'm going to get a film degree from KU and then moved to L.A. It's worth the same as nothing. So it's not like someone was going to be like, you graduated from University of Kansas Film School? Come direct a movie. It's just like, man, no connections. There was, I was literally getting nothing out of it. I went to film school there for two years.

I never saw a camera. It was basically just film history. I had to take 10,000 classes about, we're going to show you Citizen Kane today. Notice the lighting. How impressive is the lighting? I don't give a fuck about Citizen Kane. Show me a fucking goddamn movie that would inspire anybody today.

But look, they did a Zoom. Can you imagine the Zoom? This was groundbreaking. I'm like, yeah, but that was 70 years ago. Who gives a fuck about the first time someone zoomed a lens? Teach me how to make a fucking movie. Well, if you make it to senior year, you might get into classes. I was like, I might get into classes.

I'm not waiting around for this shit. It's crazy that if you just come out here at 18. Yeah. Get a job as an AD. Yeah, you'll move up faster. By the time you're fucking 21, you have somebody teaching you to business. It's that guaranteed people. I'm telling you, if you got half a heartbeat.

Yeah. If you really won't, don't say that you, I've always wanted to shoot movies and come out here and they make you do a cable and you fucking choke. Yeah. I'm talking if you're ready and, willing to shoot movies, you just come out of here, you'll get a job. I know people who've done it. I know 20 people.

That's the easiest route. Yeah. That's the easiest route. You start, they teach you all over again anyways. They teach you all over again anyway. Before you waste that 80,000, hang out with your buddies in Manhattan and shoot short films, listen, I know a thousand people who shoot short films. You know when they end up in the short toilet.

You know, I've shot 20 short films. I can't tell you where they all been. I saw a kid on Facebook the other day that I love dearly, but he's retarded because God made him that way, especially comedy-wise. And he is always shooting these movies. And it's like, why do you keep posting them on Facebook?

No one's watching that. And he took a picture with the chick that the movie was shot in Vegas, and you can tell the chick had sucked 80 dicks. Like she just got out of rehab to shoot this film. Yeah. And she wasn't in a drug ream. She was a sperm rehab.

Sure. How to get it out of your stomach. You could just see it. They put a tight dress on it. She had rolls and she had lumps. And I'm like, all those movies, you're just wasting your time. Yeah. From 2007 to 2010, I would get a request to do it over a week.

Yeah. And I would say, we'll make it easy for you. We'll shoot it close to your house. Listen, it's not even worth it. Yeah. Because, well, what are you going to do with it? Yeah, my cousin's sister's boyfriend works for Netflix and she said if we bring them this in six weeks Then when you do it you bring it to them they quit

They went over the TN and they're not even working whatever no more So now you got this stupid thing I know a thousand people conservatively Yeah between short films specials films that they re-mortgage their homes for Yep You don't know what you're doing It never adds yeah Let it go. I used to get a lot of people who'd be like, yeah, we're going to do this short film.

And I go, so what's the deal? Well, we're going to try and enter it into some festivals. I go, okay. And then the other thing I noticed, like, I knew some people who made short films that they used basically to try and, you know, sell an idea to a studio or whatever it was. And so then I'd have friends were like, yeah, I got this small part in the short. And, you know, they're pitching it to so-and-so. And then they make it.

And it's kind of crappy. it looks nice I guess they used to write equipment and then they pitch it to whatever studio they were selling it for and they buy it for a little bit of money and any extra money they have they used to hire people who are not the people who made the short film yes so you basically just gave someone else a break instead to be listen the the adage is this this is it and write it down if you want because it works first time

shame on you second time shame on me. I did 20 of them. I did them for the experience behind a candle. I was a struggling comic. Montreal didn't want me. Couldn't find an agent. The only way I could get it is through the back door.

Yeah, that's still where I am, so... That's funny. But I'm not doing it. I did one that was very mobby. That had Fox... You know, Fox has different divisions. Yeah. It had Fox all over.

I mean, fucking great. food, red bulls on the set, you know. Yeah. Red camera. I mean, these people spent money on this short film, which was an idea that Fox had picked up and they were going to sell it. And then they felt that the movie, the idea for TV was a bit rough. It was two gay gangsters.

Okay. Were they wrong. Yeah. It would have worked. The headquarters was a pink pussy cat on Santa Monica. We got a movie theater, you know. And it was a great idea all the way through. It won the gay film festival.

I was like, fuck. Yeah. They still play it on the gay network. What's the name? Logo. They still play it. People helped me up. I just saw you on logo.

Oh, my God. You know, I did that one. Then I did another one that while I was shooting it, I heard whimpers from a friend of mine that they were negotiating. that script for a bigger studio. The director was unsettled, so he wanted to shoot it immediately. Right. With the make it a low budget, which a lot of people didn't get paid, which I was one of

those people. He sold the movie. They did it, and they did exactly what you. I mean, these people are going to pay me 100 a day, and they were like, hi, we're starting rehearsal on Monday, the 18th. I'm like, rehearsal for what? What is this, Oklahoma? Yeah, but I didn't sign up for a play.

Rehearsal. There's no rehearsals for $100 a day. Yeah. I went back and forth for eight hours. Yeah. Like, Papa don't rehearse for a hundred a day. When I did Spider-Man, too, they paid me scale, and there was no rehearsing. Yeah.

So, if you want to rehearse, you come down to my house, and I'll do rehearsals. They were furious. And, I mean, it was a horrible lingo. Yeah. A fucking monkey could do it. Yeah. You didn't need no fucking acting classes. And I remember, I went back and forth.

And I'm like, listen, I've been here ten. 11, 12 years. I'm not rehearsing. Sure enough, I did the movie. They did the film, print screening. Did I go? I don't want to go. But I bumped into the three other mobsters one day.

They had an audition. We were all there for commercial. Yeah. Did they call you? And I'm like, no. They didn't call none of us. I go, what'd you expect? Look at the director.

He was a comeback. Yeah. He was out of UFC film school where he thought he was fucking Johnny Bananas. Yeah. I just checked on him about two years ago. That was it, man. Yeah, he was done.

That was it. He went from, I was going to be Quentin Tarantino to fucking, he's worked living in a fucking one bedroom. That's crazy. Granada Hills. How you quit your dream after that much commitment.

Yeah. I looked at it. It was 2009. Yeah. Disappeared after 2009. Did that one do the studio film? Must have fucked it up with the studio. Right.

Yeah. And then they all talk. So once you really fuck someone over. So how excited are you for tomorrow night? I'm excited. man you know like i said i i just wanted to be able to do an extended set here for a long time and um film it have something put out so i can hopefully start building somewhat of a fan base and how old is your baby now she's three little beautiful beautiful little bastard i see the pictures that you put up and

did she so we taught her i taught her my name because i think it's important you know if they get lost or whatever, be able to say, mommy, daddy's name, whatever. So she knows my name. And the other day, she comes in, I'm cooking her dinner. You know, I cook and do all that stuff for her. She comes in. She goes, Daddy, I need my Muppet baby off the shelf. I go, all right, I'll get it for you in a second.

I'm cooking this. Give me two minutes. She goes, fine. Takes a few steps back, stands in the kitchen, just staring at me, disappointed. Just sitting there. And then she goes, Rick, get the Muppet, baby. baby off the shelf. And I go, whoa, whoa, we don't,

you don't call me Rick. She goes, that's your name? It is, but you call me daddy. I'm daddy. Fine. Just attitude. I'm like, where did this come from? Yeah, that's, she's in preschool.

There's another girl named Julia. So she broke something, I think, at preschool and blamed the other Julia. She said, no, it wasn't me. It was the other Julia. Got away with it. And so then at home, She started she was standing on one of her toys or breaking or something like get out that you're gonna break it

She goes I didn't do it. It was the other Julia I go doesn't Julia isn't here it was you it was you no it wasn't me Just wouldn't give up the lie you gotta love you're not gonna you're learning life quick city girl where you live I live out Calabasas really yeah okay you like it up there love it it's nice it's like the drive it's a bit of a drive How many nights you come down in the store now um like three or four So can you believe you've gone this? Can you believe you and I here 17 years later having this conversation? It's kind of crazy. You remember what I used to look like?

You were like, he'll not. He's not. He's not going to make it. He's not going to make it. Fat baby? Fat baby will not. When I first met you, my days were numbered. Yeah.

My skin was green and shit. I just saw another picture. Yeah, I remember one night standing up in the front patio with Duncan Trussell. And you walked up, pour and sweat. and you go, hey, you guys do Coke? Duncan goes, I do. And you go, you got to take this.

I can't, if I hold on to this, I'm going to do it all. And you his hand Dunk in a bag. Duncan's like, thanks. And then you walk away. I'm just like, whoa. And then Duncan's like, all right, I'm out of here, I guess. Duncan just disappeared with a bag of below. It was my drug buddy in those days.

Whatever I had that, I didn't want. I was dying. Heroin, Merwin, Boogaloo pills. Just give it to Duncan. Duncan was like Mikey. the life commercial. I don't want to eat it. You eat it.

Even the Mikey. Mike you eat it. Fuck, yeah. He took it immediately. I do. I'm like, well, are we, no? I guess Duncan's taking it. Okay.

What time tomorrow night? It's 10.30 on Thursday. 10.30, main room. Main room Thursday. Sunset. Yep. A la Richard Pryor on sunset. That's right.

No pressure. Biggest names. We've got to live up to that hype. But yeah, it should be good. Hopefully people will come out. It's good to know that you have. having a hard time i might take you out with me a couple of weeks and fuck around and go to a met people go to him met people on the road yeah i'm high powered fucking savage like yourself yeah i don't

i'm terrible at all of the business side so you know i've never had a manager or an agent or anything always just been flying solo and you know fucking up the world the best i can you over there at all things comedy they'll take good care of you those guys are the best comedy managers they're Yeah, they're good. They're the best people in the world, those guys. All right, motherfuckers. Me, I'll be, I got no dates for you. I got Dick till November 7th, Motor City Casino in Detroit.

Oh, shit! And then November 8th, I'm at the Funny Bone in Omaha. We're not fucking around. Before I wrap this show up, I want to talk to you people about something. Listen, baseball playoffs, the World Series. You got football. You got college football. and you're sitting there telling me you're fucking broke.

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So anyway, I want to thank Manscape. I want to thank PolicyGenius.com. And I also want to thank my bookie for always having her back and helping us bring this podcast to you. I want to thank Rick Ingram. Do not forget to support Rick Ingram tomorrow night.

Thursday night, the motherfucking comedy store, 10.30 show, all things comedy. A lot of people walking around, a lot of action. Go support this guy. This guy's earned his fucking stripes. He's not some fucking moot. that fucking put the thing up on YouTube, but now they like him

because he's singing Arab songs or playing with his cat. This motherfucker's the real deal. I love them with all my heart. Thank you very much. Thank you. I want to thank you guys for listening. I want to thank you guys for a love

and for fucking always having a back. And don't forget, you've got the world by the balls. It's up to you. Why fuck around like the rest of these non-glutin motherfuckers? Take what's yours. Go get a gun.

Whatever you need to do. Fuck it. Eat some ass. Trick or treat. I love you, motherfucker. see you Monday morning tip top Magoo. Kick this fucking mulee, little UFO.