The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #729 - Matt Fulchiron

Episode Date: October 22, 2019

Matt Fulchiron, comedian, host of the "Full Charge Power Hour" and cohost of the NEW "Road Heads" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.    This podcast is brought to you by:   Upstart.com - The revolutionary new lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Go to www.upstart.com/church to see how low your rate is. Checking your rate doesn't affect your credit score.   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church

Greetings from Podcastville. It's sober October, motherfuckers. Uncle Joey's still here and slinging dick. The church of what's happening now is brought to you. My bookie. Listen, we're going into the fucking hurricane. We're going into major hurricane money season right now. Basketball starts next fucking week.

You got the World Series. You got the NFL. You got the NBA. You got fucking UFC. You got two praying mantises fighting in China somewhere. I got MyBooky.orgie. Let's face it.

Where you're betting is just important as who you're betting on. I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them if they weren't the motherfucking best. So do the smart thing. If you're going to bet this season, bet with my bookie.orgie.

Listen, what we're going to do is this. Monday night football, whatever. It was last night. We're going to start the week off. You got the World Series this week. You got Thursday night football. You got Kondi. college football. Listen, double your first deposit right now. Use promo code church. C-H-U-R-C-H

to get 100% of your bonus on your initial deposit up to $1,000, all right? Who the fuck can do that for you? Mybooky.ag. That's why visit them today. Grab a pen. That's my bookie. M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E dot A-G. And don't forget to use promo code church when you're creating your account to claim the bonus. And yo, check my motherfucker on Instagram on Thursday. I'll be dropping a video this week to teach you how to make bets

and how to put your fucking get your life together. All right, Uncle Joey is your motherfucker bookie. So go to mybooky.orgie. The church is also brought to you by ZipRecruiter. You're like Joey. Who ZipRecruiter? Who ZipRecruiter?

What are you nuts or what? ZipRecruiter's number one hiring site out there. ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them. Okay, for you. It's technology that identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job so you get the qualified candidates fast.

No drama, no 2,000 applications. You've got to call people. Forget about that. Whether you've got a small business or a big business, ZipRecruiter is for you. So with results like that, it's no wonder four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter,

get quality candidates within the first day. We're not playing around here. See why ZipRecruiter is effective for businesses of all sizes. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Grab that fucking pen again. ZipRecruiter.com slash church. That's ziprecruiter.com. I'm going to give it to you for free.

That's it. It's Tuesday. You know how I show up. I show up like the three wise men with gifts. I don't fuck around. Go to ZipRecruiter. com slash church. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

It's Tuesday, motherfucking morning. Kick this meal, Lee, Syed. Are you kidding me or what? We're not fucking around. It's Uncle Joey. It's the full charge, man. Fulltron. And the motherfucking Christ killer coming at you.

I want this computer to blow up. Lighten this shit up. It's Tuesday morning. You're walking around. You don't feel good. You saw the Yankees lost. Fuck your mother. Pick it up, bitch.

It's Tuesday. What? Bam, bam, bam, ban. Dan, da, da. Get that bung. Get that syringe. I don't give a fuck what you need. Oh, shit.

The church of what's happened now. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here coming off a tremendous fucking weekend. I stayed at home with my family. I went to see the Angelina Joe Lee movie with the girls on Friday night, whatever. Melvinette. Melovena. Maleficent.

Maleficent. And then Saturday, I want to give a big thanks to Mick Mahan, hooked me up with tremendous tickets and backstage passes. See Pat Benetard. Nice.

Fucking tremendous. Neil Giraldo, 63 still shredding the fucking guitar. It just inspires the shit out of yet. That's beautiful, man. Sitting in you. I took 250 milligrams. You know what me.

Yeah, I know you. I took half his annex to calm down the horse. Right. Because you just can't walk into a place on 250 milligrams. It's impossible. Yeah. So why not take 100 milligrams?

Because why be a half a fact? You know what I'm saying? You're going to see Pat Betta. You've got to respectfully. You're going to take 100 milligrams to go see Pat Benetton. She's not going to want to play for that. Huh? She's not going to want to play for that if you're only on 100.

The whole fucking place. We'll shut it down. Let me tell you something. You could smell sperm in that place. Yeah. From all the chicks that hit you with that best shot in 181. Yeah. They were all there.

All those hot chicks from 81. Yeah. We're still there selling it. How they holding up. They're holding up. They're holding up. They lost a finger in the war or something with the hepatitis. They will be invincible. But they're invincible.

Yeah. It was great. It was great. But it taught me humility. It taught me that you really have to love what you do in your life. Yes. I'm sitting in the small theater, Saban Theater. I think I asked my agent today what it's sad.

He said 1800. Let's be honest with you She sold maybe 1,400 seats Okay There was 400 comps I was two of them You know there was a whole area

She's coming home You know what man I saw her play the metal lands She's 66 years old Yeah And on her whatever She's worth $32 million So you gotta ask yourself

You're 66 years old What would make you do A six month light tour They do a light tour two, three shows a week for six months, then they take off. That's a page from your book, The Light Tour. The Light thing. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's light. Just to keep alive and just to stay. This is art. This is an art. We've got to keep doing it. Last night I went home. That Declassified was on CNN. Fucking less than zero. Robert Donnie Jr.'s best fucking performance. I had met with these kids.

Their parents died. I knew their mom. She passed away, and they just reached out. I wanted to talk to me. Yeah. To come out to lunch with my wife, and the father came. And, you know, so I was just, it was just a deep day. I went to the fucking gym.

I did a thousand things yesterday. Yeah. And last time I'm sitting there, I don't want to go to a fucking comedy store. I'm going to go to a comedy store for $15 fucking dollars. Mm-hmm. On a Sunday night, I got to go with Laurel Canyon. And at 9 o'clock, I go, who the fuck am? What am I, a fucking, and again, we go back to what you want to do and what needs to be done.

Right. You know, I looked at my Twitter. I saw they put the schedule up. I saw it was just me and Whitney Cummings and Rick Ingram. Yeah. You know, who's going to be a light show. Fucking show was sold out. Nice.

I go, what am I going to do? I'm going to cancel. What's my excuse? Because my knee hurts you. I got to something happen with my knee. My knee's bruised. I go, I'm not going to cancel. Fucking Pat Belenthal went down there for peanuts yesterday.

Uh-huh. At 66 years old. My husband's 63, and he was up there playing the piano. So it just teaches you humility that it's not always going to be fucking an arena. Yeah. It's not always going to be a theater, but you understood that. The reason why you keep doing is because you love this.

That happened to me recently. I went to a coffee shop gig just to keep sharp on an off week, and I saw the audience, and it was like 12 people, and I was almost like, fuck this, I'm going home. But then I was like, I'm here. I'm going to feel way worse if I don't go up. I'm going up. I had a great time.

End a story. I was glad I did it. And you didn't do it for the paycheck. No way. You didn't do it. That's when you know your aunt. Yeah. I've been talking about this on this podcast for a few weeks now since Andrew Schultz came in.

Uh-huh. Because in L.A., lately, I've been seeing more and more people. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Right. It's like, this is how much you have to love this shit. I want to see Guns and Roses a couple weeks ago. It was Citibank.

That means Citibank gave him mate milk. For eight mill, I'll let your shit in my mouth. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like for eight mill? right now on the stage, I'll let you shit in my mouth. I'll fucking drink white vinegar for

a year and I have more bitches than you, you know what I'm saying? But I'll be next that little Chinese guy that got beat up on United, I have an island right next to his sharing bitches of them, moving them over. Like Jeffrey Epstein on a helicopter from island to island. Everybody's sucking dick for Halloween. There's no candy. You know what I'm saying?

We got no candy here. Everybody's sucking dick. You want chocolate? Let me put in your ass first. It's just. It's Nice and candy coated for you. The fuck. You know, but listen, you know, they got $8 million for it. They did the Palladium. It was a great show.

Yeah. I learned a lot. I learned about performance. Axel Rose is great. But then you went to Bat Benatar and you learned about humility. Yeah. You go out there, fuck you. Some people would say, why are we going to go down there for 14 hundred seats?

I got a house and callabosses. She got a butler's, you know, the whole thing. But that's when you know, wow. she did this for love and then here I was in the same spot last time I'm like I'm fucking Robert Donnie Judy hasn't even died yet how can I leave you know what I'm saying I gotta watch this little flag die

after they take them to the hotel and they fuck them to death yeah right because I think less than zero is at the end that quailudes put the beginning of Viagra and some people still had them together and on the way down I'm thinking about what would have happened to women today would have been women missing limbs today if Quailudes and Viago would have been around together not that Cosby would have fucked you all night long right saying nothing about

cosby sure but just would have brought in general doing an eight ball eating way ludes and fucking and sucking yeah when I was 21 that's six bangings right you know like and I didn't come quick then like it was like eight minutes that's 48 minutes of fucking with Viagra you get the bat put in you yeah for fucking 40 minutes the next day you're not walking right you're blinking you got fucking PTSD and your pussy yes You're not shit, right? Thank God those drugs didn't overlap. Yeah, so I couldn't leave until Robert Donnie died.

Right. And I'm sitting there people like, why did Robert Donnie die? Watch the fucking movie. What are you bothered me for? I was going to say, like, how did Pat Benetton make you think about all this stuff? Because I was sitting there having a good time at my house last night. It was the Lord's Day. And I got a spot at the store and I'm like, why do I stick my foot in my mouth and commit to this shit?

You know, I don't like doing nothing on Sunday. Yeah. But Sundays at the store. Yeah. There's nobody that'll bother you. Nobody. You mean like comics? What do you mean?

Everybody. There's nobody there. I took 20 pictures last night. But there was nobody there. I don't have to talk to people. Right. You know, when you go to the store on a Tuesday night, you got to prepare yourself mentally.

It's like going to the train station. Me, you went in Philly. You know, there's noises. Yeah. Bus is leaving for Connecticut. for Australia. Right. Every two minutes.

Who books that? Who books that? Who books that? Yeah, you know. So when you walk into Australia, you have to be prepared. Not that it's a pain in the ass to me, but I'm older.

Right. When I wake up now in the morning, like, let's say you come in and you bring your girlfriend in. Yeah. This is the first time I meet and we get high and we giggling and shit like that. Yeah. I'll think about my night all day and I don't drink. Right.

You know, it's not like I'm eating quailoo with memory erases. Yeah. I don't remember until like four that. Fuck, Matt was there last night. And then I'll call you and go, man, it was good to see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I was about to call you. Fuck, I ended up getting drunk with Lewis Gomez, you know, whatever the fuck it is.

Right. But, like, for me, I wake up in the mornings and that's how overwhelming it is. It's 1,200 people compared to 600 people. Yeah. Instead of there being nine wages, there was three. One bartender, you know. Yeah. It's just a slower night.

The shows are still back. Shows were both sold out. Main room was sold out, the original room was sold out. Just there was not that much, you know. Commotion. I talked to Whitney. Yeah. I talked to Dean.

I talked to some girl Dean was talking to. I spoke to an English guy. I went on stage. I came off. I took a couple pictures. I brought up Rick Ingram. Uh-huh. And I looked around and there was nobody around.

That's awesome. the hallway was completely empty. I said, let me go. I was on the hill at 10 fucking 30. I go, am I, ain't I happy I fucking followed through? Instead of fucking canceling. You know, wasn't I fucking happy. So you just learn little things every fucking day, man.

That's it. Yeah, that's a lot nicer. I know what you mean when you go there and there's 8 billion people and they want to talk your ear off. Nothing against them. It's just one guy after the next guy, after the next guy, after the next guy,

it gets a little exhausting. I love Lee. Yeah. Lovely to death. I don't even bring him to the store on Tuesdays. Oh, yeah? Because I got to be responsible for him. I lose them.

Right. You get lost into Crowdly. There's not a chair for him. It's fucking sold up. They got no chair for him. He's got to sit in the hallway. And then some guy comes up from Singapore. You, Lee, Syatt, I see you from podcast.

You eat a lot of edibles. And also, like, I walk into this. You know what I'm saying? So it's very hard to bring people. Like, Tuesdays, and I love my friends. but one of my worst nightmares is at 8 o'clock my phone to ring the phone and one of my friends and say

what time you're leaving for the storm I'm like fuck I'll be there about 930 we're gonna be there with a group of eight from work I'm like fuck because it's Tuesday night there's gonna be enough people down there

and usually I get like 10 surprises when I go down and look at last Tuesday I went down there and there was a kid that I went to third grade with no shit yeah and the girl I went to high school with that visited me when I was in the fucking hospital You know, I mean, this is the comedy store. This is what it is.

So enough about the comedy store. What's going on with you, brother? I am living in New York, and I'm traveling around the world and doing stand-up comedy. You miss California? A little bit. How long have you been gone for? I've been gone for a year and a half. That's it?

That's it. It seems like two years. Yeah. Only one winter, or this is going to be your third winter? This is going to be kind of my third winter. I was going back and forth for a while. So you could say almost two years, really. But yeah, I've been there for a while now.

I miss the Mexican food. I miss my friends. I don't miss the traffic in L.A. But you've created a sign for yourself. I always tell my wife. What's that? Well, you showed me the gift of travel again. You showed me the gift of the train.

Right. And how important. Oh, yeah. How, what a gift it is. That's great in the Northeast. I'll know it's again. When I met you in Providence. and he was sitting there like James Bond.

Right. I walked him to the hotel. He's sitting there like James Bond, but they're trying to throw him out in the hotel and province. Right. The hotel and province is going to shake him down. My flight was delayed. Oh, shit. So I got in late, and it was really weird that I go,

I'm sorry if I kept you here. I think we ordered food. Something like that. We were eating in the lobby. Yeah, we're eating in the lobby. And I said to him, how did you get in? He goes, the train. Like, it was like nothing.

Like, I just got off two planes. so easy because it's right from the middle of the city yeah and he goes I just took a train got out and walked the block yeah that's it it always drops you off right in the city no matter where you are where you need to be yeah I'm like really so this is the advantages of being a comic in new york yeah the cities are so close together and they're so easy to get to you know you don't have to drive if you don't want to you can take the trains take buses if you want i'm hearing more and more I heard it more and more from people who I think are smart. People are telling me that they're not even driving to San Diego no more.

Oh, no, I heard the train's great. I've been taking the train for a while. I heard that train. It's a blast. It's beautiful. You Uber to wherever you need to go. Uber back and take the train back. My friend's husband just got a job in Falcon's aunt.

You know, unemployed for eight months. You can't, beggars can't be choosy. Yeah. It's a great paying job. He was telling me. He goes, the only sacrifice is I have to get up two days a week at four in the morning and take the train down there. But he goes, listen, to two hours, I'm on the computer.

There's Wi-Fi. Yeah, you're not driving, you're not cursing, you're not sweating. No, you're not doing nothing. Yeah. So I really enjoyed. Every single train ride I took with you, that station we were at where I bought the fucking bubble gum, the Chick-fil-A, and got cash out of the ATM, that was DC. Yeah.

I thought we were pulling up, but I'm like, look at this place, it's like Congress. We're rolling. I also make the loop. And I'm like, we're going to vote for Vito or something? It was the fucking train station. Yeah. Then the next day, I think I dropped you off at the Philly one. Yeah.

Not a homeless person around. And I was scared for his life. Why? Like, I'm like, you really want to go to Philly or five in the fucking morning? He's like, yeah, I'll take the bust of home. Like, are you fucking retarded? Because the bus to New York sucks. But the train from Philly to New York is easy.

You know what I mean? That's why I went into Philly. There's no train. from Atlantic City to New York, unfortunately. So, dude, we never talked about this. Remember when we were on the way to the airport and the train station in the limo and it just pulls off on the side of the highway

and then our driver gets out to go to talk to the guy and then everybody gets out of the limo and starts walking towards our limo? Do you remember this? And we were both like, what the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? We were both going to be like, pop, pop. Like it was this weird scenario.

We were on the side of the road. In the highway. Yeah, yeah, they got in the car. But the guy got in a car and he didn't even say a word to us. He just got in the car. He was wearing pajamas. It was the weirdest fucking thing to happen at 5 in the morning. Do you remember this?

We didn't know what the fuck was going. Yeah, yeah, we didn't know what the fuck was going. We were both going, what the fuck? What the fuck? And then he got in and I just said, oh, okay, we're not going to die. And I went back to sleep. I don't know if you remember that or not. No, no, no.

I don't know. You don't, when you're up at 5 and 5. I know. And you go to bed at 1.30. Yeah. You're really just walking on a cloud. It's really scary. And you don't really know it until you're in Detroit airport.

That's the airport that lets you know you're in a twilight zone. You're awake, but not really. They have purple lights. Yeah. When you connect there, there is a walk of death that is underneath the airport that you better be in shape. It's the walk of death. and they have neon.

And that's what you realize. You're in a fucking twilight zone at 5 in the morning. You're awake, but you're not really grasping. Even if you drank coffee and whatever. And that's why I don't do a lot. Like, I used to have a bad habit of getting up and calling people. Uh-huh. And then I'd get off the phone and I'd say,

fuck, I said a lot of wrong things. Uh-huh. I'm not fully awake. Get some coffee in you, write in your notebook, listen to some music. like take your shit yeah bomb hit and then make your calls yeah I would get up and whatever you know I was doing blow I get up in a bad oh yeah so I'd wake up the next one and call the agent and just unravel on them right come I'm not how come I'm not I'm not in for the lead of Superman well you weigh 400 pounds did you ever think about

that but in my cocaine mine I should have read for Superman sure you know I'm exaggerating yeah but I get the point yeah and those days I would get up and unleash on the agents at 901 like man what the fuck I haven't got out in two days yeah like and they'd be like Joey what the fuck you went on for three auditions last week I don't give a fuck yeah last week was last week bitch kept me something yeah you know and then oh last week was last week oh yeah I'm a terrible yeah I was theatrical yeah into it the worst thing I ever did was get breakdowns uh-huh that's the worst thing that's the reality you started figuring

out you were right for about a million projects you're right for about a million projects but you don't know why they're not calling you in right you confuse you still going on IMDB looking for names and numbers and you're like rat full tron why aren't you fucking calling me right and I always believe that I mean I got to be honest because I bust these balls about this I always believe that I lost a few jobs because of my behavior in those days and how aggressive I was. But I would also not be able to sleep if I wasn't that aggressive. Right.

Yeah. What is the medium? What is the middle ground? Because you can't just sit around. But then you can't intimidate or overdo it with people. They get annoyed with you. They get annoyed with you. And I remember being at, there was a casting director in town named Rick Pagano.

Mm-hmm. And I did a movie from, and a couple things happened on the set that shit that's supposed to happen. They did not involve me. But in those days, I kind of took the blame for it. And I'll never forget he had a project that I was perfect for. The pay was perfect. The role was perfect. And finally, I go to the, you know, a little farmer's market in Hollywood on Sundays.

Yeah. By like coal and all those creepy streets. I saw him. And I fucking one of them. I go, Rick, no disrespect. I've sent you 18 envelopes. you know, I called your office 16 times. I'm perfect for that role.

He goes, did you ever think that the director had a nephew that was perfect for that role was? He goes, that's what happened. Right. And I'm like, so you couldn't fucking call me? And, you know, I was a little upset with him. Now he never put me in nothing again. But that's what that taught me that you don't know what's going on with that project.

Of course not. The director's thinking about something. The producer's thinking about somebody. They put it, why they put it out to taunt me is what pisses me off. Right. It's like, you know that commercial with Mayhem? Mm-hmm. They made it, 200 people read for that.

200. Regular people, like me, you, and Lee. Yeah. Go to fucking 200 South Libreya, and I knew like three guys that went to the callback. Yeah. When they saw the guy that got hired, they were heartbroken. Mm-hmm. Because they're like, why'd you waste their time?

Because they just hired him, you think, without an audition? They already knew. They already had them. They knew. Yeah. They just, this is a write-off. Sitting and watching you for a week, I keep Lee happy. Yeah, go find somebody.

Yeah. You're doing greatly. Go find somebody. I already got somebody. I already signed somebody. Right. But part of the casting sag program, you have to have something. Yeah.

I just make that. When you write something, if you're a writer, you're a writer. When you're writing something, aren't you writing it with somebody in fucking mind? Of course. Okay, then what the fuck are you talking about? When I'm writing the role of mush, I'm thinking about Lee. Right. When I sold the show to Fox,

Mush and my telemarketing office was Lee. Right. That's it. I was based off Lee. A kid out of college, young, I knew his father. His father made me take him, and he's not a salesman. And I read down, like, what type of Jew are you? A flying Jew.

How can you not fucking say? I know Jews that sell fucking in their sleep. I get the only Jew that can't fucking sell. But I love him. He's like my god nephew or whatever in the pilot. When you write, you already have somebody in mind. Mayhem, the guy I had for a, I had a guy called something. I gave him like a prison name.

It was Nick Taturo. Right. It was Nick Taturo's character. Was it going to be Nick? No. I don't know if the network will say no. Right. That's what people don't know.

Yeah. That you could write for people. I could write and go, this is going to, uh, what's the guy that did? The Star is born. Bradley Coo. I could write a roll for Bradley Cooper. That doesn't mean Bradley Cooper's going to take it. Right.

So everything adjust after that. Bradley Cooper turned it down and somebody else who looks like Bradley Cooper turned it down. So now I got to switch his character around. I got to make him a garbage man to look like Johnny La Lacka or whatever the fuck. So by getting the breakdowns, it pissed me off. Because every day there'd be eight submissions. And I was getting them. I was so addicted.

Like my addicted personality from cocaine had become, I knew I would, there was no way they were going to look at me as a comic. Uh-huh. There was no way my door was going to be open as a comic. This is 20 years ago you're talking about? From 2000 to 2005, I was already blackballed in this town. Yeah. I was a cocaine and I was a store comic. Yeah.

Dirty hung out with Rogan, caused problems. But you were getting acting work at that time. No? No. I decided to attack. Acting because I couldn't open a door in comedy. Yeah. Couldn't get a manager, couldn't get an agent.

Right. Never went to Montreal. Nobody ever talked to me about nothing. Right. But I'm doing spots at the store. So something's got to be there. Something's happening. Something's happening.

You got some talent. You got some ability. Nobody's talking to me. Right. So in my mind, I go, let me open up a different door. Let me open up the acting door. So I take an acting classes, talking to actors. They told me about this thing called the breakdowns.

We get them. But you're not supposed to know. Okay. Then I met somebody who goes, you want them? I'll send them to you every morning at 3 in the morning. So I would wake up at 6. Sometimes I would sleep an hour after doing Coke. Is that when you started waking up early?

I know you like to wake up early. No, I've always walked up early. But that's the early break catches the fucking work. Yeah. Okay. So you get up at 6 and there would be 104 or 5 pages that 160 pages of break down. Right. And you've got to sit there with glasses, notebook, and a pen.

It's exhausting. And write it down and scroll. and they're looking for midgets and they're looking for fucking vaudevillians and they're looking for somebody to swallow a sword. You know, you'd read this shit. Yeah. I never forget that I read for one

and I actually read it and went, wow. And then I actually got the call for it. And I was like, what? And it was like a commercial with alligators. Uh-huh. And you were going to actually go into an ocean, like a river and shoot this with the alligators. You were just going to be in a metal case.

Is it for Jackass 3? It was for something crazy. And you submitted for this? You couldn't submit from it. But you could call your agent and be like, hey. You could call your agent. So that's what you do. You type the information down.

And when your agent gets to work, the first email, Joe Diaz, what's he want? This is what you submit me for today. I'll call you in an hour. And I would call and go, what happened with this? We called and let the message. What happened with this? didn't return on the call what happened with this there's nobody answered now I gotta go to work right now I gotta get an envelope put it in and drive it down there personally that's how to do

that oh yeah you bring an envelope down there bring a fucking headshot fucking oh okay headshot a fucking oh okay passes to the condoms store I thought you meant an envelope full of money no no who had money I had no money I think I'm looking for a job for because I had money bad money I wouldn't fucking go down that say fuck the job Right. So in those days, silly man. In those days,

there would either be on Larchmount. Larchmount has an office of like a castor. Uh-huh. Their main offices. Yeah. And then when they get called

to do something at NBC, they catch you from NBC. But I would find out where their main offices. Uh-huh. And I would hit their main offices. Problem is that the main office is there's no receptions.

Mm-hmm. So you just leave it dry. That's a 50-50. You just, leaving it somewhere you leave it under the door gotcha you zip it under the door uh-huh if there's a receptionist you're halfway there because at least you have contact right so you're the nicest person you could be with the receptionist right god forbid she watches it's your rogan podcast yeah you're not gonna believe who came into the office yeah you follow me so i do there's always you know when people

always go to me i'm having the hardest time finding an agent have you been down there right no i sent referrals you know down there yeah That's good advice. You got to get 25 numbers. You're going to do five Monday, five Tuesday, five Wednesday, five Thursday.

Right. Friday, they don't want to see nobody. Right. You want to see anybody on Friday? No, no, not even myself. You don't want to see nobody. So you bring it down Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. Yeah.

And you're never going to know. I know a kid who walked the three hours with a headshot. You got to call the next day. Yeah. Unseen, they signed up. So don't tell me. Right. No, you got to do.

It was a chick and he was a good looking. Right. And you, you're, You got to do stuff like that. She ran back there and told him, you got to see this guy. He's hot. He's Spanish.

Three yards signed him. Yeah. But if he would have sent the submission, he wouldn't have seen that receptionist. He's in a pile. He's in a pile. Even though, you know, literally or a few years ago. You're trying not to end up in the pile.

Right. So you have to do the things that don't end up in the pile. Yeah. And this is with everything. What doesn't, where, if I'm going to spin my wheels in that direction, why do I want him to spin in that direction for?

Mm-hmm. I'm wasting my fucking time. I heard something that was very interesting one. to me. I heard that a casting director's job was to find the right actor for that job. Uh-huh. The quickest, most efficient way. That turned me around at that time as an actor. I said, well, they're looking for me.

I got to present myself. Right. I'm like my own zip recruiter. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You gotta find your own candidates. Well, I'm a candidate for this. You might not know about me because I'm not with CAA or innovative.

I'm with the coloring book. so they got no juice. Right. You know, they got no juice to get me in here. So I got to create my own juice. And that's what I would do. I would just go down there. And then I started putting the auditions on tape for that more already.

Yeah. Like for a movie that was in pre-production? Just said it to him. You have a friend that, you know, you've been here for 10 years. Everybody has a friend that was a comic that gave up and became an agent. Right. And he ends up in lit. Yeah.

At ICM. Right. I was called. Tell them. Yeah. See if you got the script, American Gangster. I was just reading it. Send me in the mail.

Don't give it to nobody else. I won't. Just send it to me. They do that all the time. Right. So I would get those scripts and look through them and send the package. That's cool. And sometimes you get it.

And sometimes you don't. But that happens anyways. The long as you are, bro. I dropped it off on a Tuesday. What, the tape? They wouldn't see me. Uh-huh. There you are right there in the post.

There I am in the poster. Not that poster. Whatever. You're on the plaque. When that movie came out, Big Pussy got arrested for domestic violence. I missed that. So the first set of posters, I'm in.

Once he got arrested, they didn't want me to confuse me a movie. So he took me out of the poster. That's one story. The other story is the fucking producers hated me so much. At the end of the movie, you just pulled me out of it. I didn't give a fuck.

I still got the original ones with me in him. So my daughter will sell him. She's fucking 30. Who the fuck, though? Did you create chaos on the set? Or was that? Did they dislike you for shit for dumb reasons? I think I was there because of Adam.

Uh-huh. Okay, I wasn't there because everybody agreed on me. Gotcha. And then once I got on there, not in New Mexico, but once we got up here, you know, you could only hide a problem for so long before it comes out. Gotcha. You know, when you come in and you have bags under your eyes and your nose is leaking. Wasn't that the movie you showed up on and you were completely broke? You had like 35 cents in your pocket and then you just got all this.

You were loving the per die. The first day. Yeah. The first day when I got that. Yeah. I think I had $25 and I gave the limo driver a five. They sent the limo to come get me. Yeah.

To the table right and then straight to the airport. Yeah. I'm thinking we're going to LAX. We're headed to fucking Van Nuys. Yeah. A private jet. Oh, yeah. You know, and I'm like, I got fucking $20 a joint.

Yeah. That's always so funny. No ATM card. Yeah. You know, when you get to a hotel, you got to get them an ATM card. And I get to a hotel, yeah. That's what happened to me. I was taping live at Gotham for Comedy Central.

I spent all my money just getting from JFK to Midtown. And then they asked me for, you know, at the hotel, the incidentals. I'm like, I got nothing. Luckily, my friend who was also taping, lived with his dad, and he had tons of money on his credit card. And I got to sleep indoors that night. But that's so weird, though. You're going to tape TV. It's the weirdest business.

I've taken Greyhound buses and private jets in the same month. Several times. You know, it's nutty. This is what keeps you, you know, Pacino and the devil's advocate. Yeah. And he goes, you take the subway. Well, what's his name? John Wick says, you take the subway.

Yeah. You fucking loaded. And he goes, I always want to keep my ear to the ground. Right. You know? So it's really nice to take private jets and all that stuff. Yeah. But you're always going to end up on the ground eventually.

Always. You know, it's like I told my man, Reno, Tahoe, and back to the ghetto. Yes. You know, and as long as you know that going in, listen, man, I take UberX. Mm-hmm. I wake up some mornings and it says $10 on UberX. I'll take an UberX with 10 Puerto Ricans. We'll fit.

I'll get a lot of people. You never get over there. Don't even tell me. How about Excel? Fuck Excel. I get 10 off on UberX today. I'm piling everybody in the neighborhood in. We're sitting on laps.

We're breathing on one another. I don't give a fuck. When I went to New York to shoot that movie, I became like platinum. So I get all these fucking weird things. Like $25 off if you get this car. Really? Boom, yeah.

I'll get that car. You're pushing me to that car. Yeah. I'll take it. Uber's been very, very, very, very good to me. I love Uber. You know how America's been very, very, very, very, very good to people?

Yes. Like baseball? America has been very, many, very good to me. Yeah. America, very good. Yeah. Very good. Uber has been very, very, very good to me.

I love Uber. I just don't do the planned ride no more. Oh, the scheduled ride? They fucked you over? That's not good. They fucked you. That's not good. They cancel.

They charge you like five hours. Yeah. And now you're waiting for the airport. I've got to call again. Yeah. You muggle this. That. happened to me I'm trying to catch a flight somebody's coming to get me for 20 minutes and

then they cancel when they're one minute away I'm like now I got to start from scratch you mother and fucking starting Monday you that Uber to LAX is nonexed well I'm Burbank all day so I ain't worried about it you're going JetBlue yeah to Burbank to JFK like the mom man that's the fuck else and that's a red eye too I don't even remember yeah there's a 958 I think it's a little earlier than right there's two of them yeah just added another one Yeah. There was one a day. JFK Burbank, Burbank, J.

It's beautiful. They just don't have men. They just don't have men. So wait, why can you Uber to LAX? Because they're going to drop you off at a terminal and then you have to take a bus. No. L.A.X. Yes, brother.

That's worthless. But if you... Just take the bus. So I can't imagine how big the lines are going to be the way for the bus. I've walked on the L.A.X property before. That's how broke I've been. I just walked on, like running across roads. I've seen people doing that.

Getting pinned for being ISIS. Just fucking, yeah, it's terrible. That's starting Monday. You can't take an Uber to LAX? At 29. All right. There goes Lee's life. So you have to just go to a terminal and then take a bus that goes circles, the terminals.

They're going to guarantee you that you had a terminal every three minutes and all that stuff. That's no good. That's no good. Fuck LAX altogether now. And other people are saying that what they should do is make a site where they parked the cars right across, like the parking garages to put it there. It's going to be a lot of easier. But I, see, but talking from a consumer side, which I have to be honest with you, unless you fly into LAX and all that, I heard LAX at night is unverable. Oh, my God.

LAX is terrible, man. Well, after 6 o'clock during the week, and I heard Sunday nights is, it takes you an hour to get out. Yeah, man. People were thinking of flying out to LAX, Sunday nights, you can't get out of there. I know I fly in early. You know, I leave at 6 o'clock. Yeah.

And I tell you, at 9 in the morning, you got to see what looks like out there to get an Uber. Yeah. And the taxis, they look like they got 8s. 20 taxis. Yeah. And you can't blame them. Right. Because I know when I take an Uber,

It's $30 cheaper. Yeah. I'll forbid I take the Uber, because it's $40. Right. What about JFK is not great though either? JFK? Yeah, but you know, I don't have to take a car out of JFK. I can get on a train.

Once again, the train saves the day. You take the train from JFK back in that? Yeah, absolutely. If it's at a decent hour, definitely. And it's only like seven, seven, eight bucks to get all the way home. Wow. What kind of train is it like a? There's a, you get on the air train.

That takes you to the subway. Take the subway home. The regular subway. The regular subway. Oh, but you got your luggage and you got people looking at you. It's a pain in the ass. It's a pain in the ass, but it's cheap, and I kind of like it better than waiting for a taxi. If I'm in the mood, let's put it that way.

You know. By the way, I have a new travel podcast called Roadheads. Really? Came out today. It's all about this stuff. Yeah, it's all about traveling and traveling with no money, which I've done several times. Millions of times, it feels like. You ever jump over a county?

Denver airport and steal a pack of cigarettes. No, that's you. And go into the bathroom and spark it up. No, you did that. How'd that go? I got away with them here. Remember, you run some of an airport. Yeah.

I can't tell you how many times out of Terminal 48, 49, American. Uh-huh. That last convenience store, I just went to the airport to shoplift them. Really? That last convenience store on American. airline terminal. And was this before 9-11? This was till about eight years ago. Oh, okay. Until about 2010, I made it a habit just fuck it. I couldn't afford to eat at the hamburger stand or nothing. Right. So I would go into one of those things, take one of those turkey

Swiss sandwiches. Yeah. And there for two days. I'd take a Rocky Mountain Post. What do you call those, New York Post? Yeah. At LAX, they sell the New York Post. Really? For $3. Okay. $3 for a newspaper. Yeah. So I'd take a fucking can of soda, put it in my pocket. There'd be a line of people there, and I'd just take the newspaper,

put that stale turkey sandwich on dry with the little side package of mayonnaise. Uh-huh. And I'd trickle my way to the door, little by little. Right. Walk out. For years, I lived on.

I still remember... But you jump behind the counter to get the cigarettes? In Denver one time? Yeah. When I went to shoot, analyze this. Analyze that.

They I went to the audition They didn't pay for the audition They paid for my flight to shoot But they didn't pay for my flight to the audition Right So my buddy threw me a A pat buddy pass Mm-hmm

Fly standby Through Frontier Airlines Oh my God Which was completely a nightmare No kidding When I was supposed to audition that afternoon at 2 When I got off the plane At 11 in the morning

There was no luggage My luggage was in Tallahassee. Fuck. So it was one of those type of deals. I basically went to New York, had a bar around and I was with my friend, get a warm-up suit. For some reason, my stepfather gave me a ring that day, because this was my birthday. Uh-huh. He gave me a ring.

The only thing he ever gave me after my mom died was a nice big gold diamond ring, and I wore the ring to the audition. I had to buy a warm-up suit and sneakers. I didn't get my luggage until I got back to L.A. jeez so that night i slept in the fucking warm-up suit yeah go home the next day i got another buddy of mine borrow another hundred go back to models yeah models and they got like warm-up pants right one of pounds yeah and there was no jeans sure i'd be easier with sweats and a hooded sweatshirt yeah they have to buy a belt and pants and fucking garter belts and suspenders and shit yeah so at that time i was in 418 i was like 370 or something okay

60. And I stayed another day. And then, like, the guy who drove me to the airport, I didn't have the nerve to ask him. He had just drove me for free. Yeah. And I didn't have the nerve to ask him until he gave me $10 to eat something. Yeah.

And I got on that plane with, like, two bucks. And I think I ate whatever, something at Newark. I didn't shoplift at Newark. But once I got to Denver, I had no fucking choice. And I was smoking that. I'm damn right you were and I had a connecting airline a connecting flight

you cannot walk out of Denver smoke and walk back I know it's an hour you will miss you flight yeah so I could I had to do that Newark one night and I fucking almost died and I never forget Newark

that I was walking I saw them walking towards me with the dog I had the reefer in my pocket I ran into the bathroom and hit the reefer in a toilet roll yeah and somebody in those toilet You know, like a toilet, but I put it in a roll.

Gotcha. I walked out once the dog passed by, I went back in. Holy shit. I took the weed out. Rold it in the bathroom and ran back outside in Newark. This has to be 2002. Okay. I'm outside smoking the fucking number.

My head's on a swivel. And I'm smoking a number. And as I'm going to go throw the roach away, the cop with the dog is 10 feet away from me. I gently flick the roach. And I make believe, like, I don't know what he's saying. he's like man i love your show on hb yeah this poor bastard but wouldn't arrest me even if he wanted to right you know it's i just got a thousand of those hell on the way back and then i couldn't take it right like i hadn't smoked in like fucking 10 hours and i had no money and i went through a store

that was closing so they had gone somewhere and the gate was right just barely yeah it was half open right This is how crazy I went and looked around. Yeah. I reached over. I took a pack of Marlboro lights. I took a fucking lighter. Yeah. And I ran in the fucking bathroom and smoked in the store.

Dude. I smoked like two of them in the stall. That's insanity. That's craziness. I started them to go into Lubbock to do Froggy Bottoms. Uh-huh. Transferring in Houston. I was in Houston and my flight was scheduled for a lot.

like, let's say 10 in the morning. And the only reason why I was going early was because they wanted me to do radio. So I just wanted to get a hotel and get settled and snort Coke and love it. Right. No. I'll never forget staying at that airport all day broke because they kept saying Southwest will give you a $250 voucher if you get off this flight. So that whole day I was at that airport where maybe two bucks, no phone. I used to have a pager.

Right. I would just have change in my pocket. I'd have to call somebody in a calling card. Yeah. And I would just shoplift at those airports. No kidding. I'm very ashamed to say it, but it's the truth. You were hungry, man.

Hey, man, you got to survive as a comic. Right. And never mind when you start getting on buses, I got hours of, you know, when you pull into Charlotte, when you're connecting from Charlotte, you're going to D.C., I got bad news for you.

There's nothing open. In Charlotte, that's a bus station. No kidding. They just have a little area open. And you look up and there's a vending machine. Yeah, I know. Now you're eating Reese's pieces for dinner. Yeah, you're eating potato chips.

Sour cream and onion. Hopefully some of them would have the sausage with the piece of cheese. Oh, yeah, or some cheese and crackers or something. Oh, yeah. You're the fucking stick. That resembled food. People have no idea when you travel as a comic and you're working for 500 a week. You got to make everything count.

And the bus is $90. Yeah. You know, and you're just like eating chips and sandwiches. You know, I got big at that time. Yes, I was very lazy. Yeah. But my diet, I was only eating onion rings and the cheeseburgers from the club and jalapeno's. I was trying to take all my payment and beer and food for a while.

You know what I mean? Because I wasn't getting paid enough. I'm like, just give me more food. Give me more beer. I don't know why. I mean, I know I can't put that in my ATM, but I was just like, just keep it coming. I put on tons of weight a couple years. There's a couple years as a comic where you're just stuck.

Yeah. You're just stuck in limbo in. You're just stuck for years, yeah. And you just finally say to yourself, I'm very happy paying rent and eating. Yeah. However that is. Right. If it means, I've got to go down to the Hermosa.

What's that comedy club? Comedy and Magic. Yeah. I don't know. I forget Ralphie. Being broke as fuck going. Yeah. That's the only reason I call down there and player.

The feed you. They feed you. They feed you something nice. And they give you something to go. Exactly. Which is really rare. You can get two dinners. You did it, yeah.

Salmon? Yeah. When you're broke. Steak. Steak. Get the fuck out of here. Stop it. Yeah.

So I get it. I'll go to it now. Sometimes I don't know you even have a spot. What's up, full charge? What do you want to eat? Steak, motherfucker. I'll go down there. Go down to Comedy Magic.

I don't even have a spot sometimes. I probably shouldn't put that out there. Now everybody's going to do it. But I've done it. Why not? I was hungry. They always ask you, you're hungry and you always play it off at first. They make you eat.

You always play it off. No, I'm fine. You can have a hole in your stomach. You're ready to shit blood. But your fucking ego is like, nah. Maybe I'll get something later. Joe, you got to eat. And then the weights to come over.

You're sure? He made special. And you're like, I just ate 20 minutes ago. Meanwhile, you haven't eaten. 20 days ago. And she ate that fucking dry cereal at 11 o'clock in the morning with no milk. You even thought about putting water in it. So it expanding your stomach like that fucking special.

K. You know me boxes are dry special K? I used to just buy the fucking boxes. Did you eat it with your hands or what? There's a point where I don't really know what happened to me because I wasn't eating enough to justify the weight I was gaining.

But it was metabolism. Sitting on those buses for eight hours. And stress can do it too. Sitting on those buses, well the sleep apnea, when the sleep apnea came on, I had that initial, yeah. Yeah. Because your body's releasing cortisol.

Uh-huh. So it's releasing like a danger. And cortisol gets your fat and makes your back swell. Like when you see people with the hunch, yeah. That's cortisol. And that's because they have sleep apnea or is there? That's because they have stress. Stress, stress, stress, right.

It releases cortisol in the body, which is bad. Yeah. But you learn all about those things, you know, from going out and you learn about your body and what it can handle. And I got to be honestly, the year and not I got Pat Benetanite. I got so high, I came home. I was looking at the refrigerator. I usually eat like a protein bar.

Sure. I found my daughter's Halloween candy from like a year ago. And I had like, you know those three little, they're little. Yeah. You know, there were no points. They were like two points apiece. I had like three of those, they're fluffy in the middle and chocolate outside. Oh.

Not a $1,000 bar, not a Hershey's bar. It's not a Milky Way, isn't it? Babe Ruth. No, no, it's like a milky way. Three Musketeers? Yeah, three musketeers. That's some bullshit right there, but it's delicious. It's called Nougat.

Nougat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had three of those before I went to bed and I fell asleep. I don't know how with the sugar content. But just the three of those, I don't feel too good the next day. Oh, yeah. I didn't feel too good the next day. Well, it's heaven while it's happened.

I had two mistakes last week. I ate that, and one night I had devil's ham. Either a can, I had that's devil's prison. Yeah. It just destroyed my internal combustion system. My shit was coming out. You see how black this table is? Yeah, I do.

That's how it came out for two days. The tar shits. Like it just destroyed my internal. I had to go back to probiotics. I had to drink that fucking shit. Yeah. That's how my body can't handle that shit. No kidding, dude.

No. That's worse than spam. I'm not kidding you guys. I'm not making shit up here. My body. shut down on that like sardines when I was in prison I ate more sardines than gilligan I was eating sardines like it was my island

yeah and man once I got out of prison I ate so many fucking sardines I eat fish right mine fucking with no sardines those days are over damn yeah I could go for that happy hour let's do it over at fucking deja vu we started about an hour what's the name of it sushi dan damn I haven't been there a couple weeks yeah I got a nice happy hour

be out because I keep it simple now sure no more compound sushi is too many points got you I just keep it with the spicy tuna six points oh man I had that the other day for months for eating spicy tuna what that little look but but now he's not yeah that's spicy food is delicious this mutt just eats spicy tuna shrimp and there's one of the things regular tuna and shrimp temporal that's it that's all he yeah so I can't take him no way he's an embarrassment sure right that's the entry level yeah white person shit I can't take them to nobody yeah I eat the real deal. I get the fucking blue crab.

Yeah. That blue crab. Oh, my God. With spider roll, with the crab and this shit. Yeah, you're speaking my language. You know,

vitamin D almost killed him last week. Forget about it. I gave him a blue crab. I put him out in the sun for six minutes. You should have seen him. Yeah. You always leave out that. We're smoking one of those crazy joints.

But what's I got to do with some breaking out? Because I was coughing. It wasn't vitamin D. How many? This wind is coughing burn calories? It does a little bit He wasn't doing none He took two hits

I looked down I looked up As I go on in New York You look up You see the beautiful city You look down You look down You back is a gun

Same fucking thing I look up I look up He's sweating profusiously From vitamin D So you don't go outside that much You're a vampire Bro he hates the son

Is that right I mean when I walk From the car to somewhere else Yeah That's it huh But it's different When I was in New York I walk

It's fun. Right. Here, it's boring as fuck. It's nothing to do. Not that I like walking anyways. I'm not trying to say like, I love walking in New York. But at least in New York, you go to a store. There's people shitting on the floor.

Like, it's fun. There's stuff to see. Here. You got homeless down the corner from your house. Yeah, I got homeless. I got homeless people shitting in my fucking. You got Popeye's chicken down the bottom. Yeah, so why am I going to walk to Popeye's chicken?

And you got a hot dog stand across the street from that. You live like a doctor. You got fucking John's. across the street from that. Oh yeah, that's a barrel laughs, Johns. What's Johns? They pretend it's Vaughn's, which is nice. Oh, I love that shit.

But it's Johns. Yeah, the rip-off. I love that. 8,000 Russian people, they hit your car every time you go in there. Two cashiers who don't speak English. I hate John's. Every time I go in there, I see something

get hit by a car. Those Russian Jews are ruthless. There's white people can't handle those Russian Jews. Every time you go in there, you see a fucking ambulance. Yeah. There's a Russian Jew going. down over there. Everything's scale. I don't go

in there. My wife goes in there. The bread's good. The bread's really good and the co-cuts. They have like that ham that Ari likes from Spain. It sells out by lunchtime. Yeah, John's always looks like it's been rated. It always looks like somebody came in and grabbed a bunch of shit.

They don't replace it. I don't like. Johns and the one Felipe goops on. What's that? Food for less. Yeah. I love that joke though. That joke fucking creep. Yeah. He's right. Yeah. Food for less in Hollywood, you got to be out of your mind to go there. And at that area, then, it was really bad.

And we used to have to park under the Foodful Us and walk upstairs. You fear for your life. Right. Ladies and gentlemen, you'd fear for your life. And this is Uncle Joey telling you. And my wife, she's a sweetheart. She used to go, let's go there at seven. And I go, listen, that's not happening.

We go to Foodful Us Saturdays where there's the most people ever in that. Hey, witnesses. Because that area isn't a good area. No kidding. That's Western. Mm-hmm. Western, let me think of how crazy Western. Let's talk about Western because when I first moved here, the pussycat theater was right there.

Am I right about that? The porno theater. Right on Western and sunset. But it was actually on Western. Western and Sunset. So it was just north of sunset, the Pussy Cat Theater is one of the last porno theater still around. In the late 90s, it was still around. Wow.

I don't. Now it's a UCB. I just know that I used to go to Sprint over there. Hollywood and Western has the lumber place, the hardware store. Right, all that. And you go in there and there's Mexicans outside. Right. And they have a Mexican food catering truck.

Uh-huh. Those Mexicans could not slip because the Mexicans that were landscapers and builders that were hungry would stab them. If you ever want good Mexican food in Hollywood, forget about all those cliches. restaurants. The truck. Go to the truck at, what's the name of that? Home Depot. And I'm not trying to be funny here. I know. They have a carne Asada. Yeah.

Like a thing on a bone, a thin steak on a bone there with rice and beans, Lee. Yeah, sounds delicious. But I used to be there. It used to be the sprint there. There's a Hawaiian restaurant thing there. Yeah. And next to the Hawaiian restaurant thing, there's like a thing where you buy sheds. Uh-huh. And then across the street, there's a McDonald's. Right on sunset in Hollywood.

Yes. There's a McDonald's. Behind the McDonald's is food for less. Yeah. That was that neighbor. That street, after sunset, go past sunset at night and see what you see for those next three blocks. Right.

It's not pretty. It's not pretty. Yeah. So one night, I go to El Camadre to Cobb Coke. Mm-hmm. I'm listening. This has to be, I quit doing Coke in 2007. 2004

you know like I said sometimes you don't need material right in your life you just have comedy of peers and that time I had a lot of comedy I came to me and one night I was walking to Elkhazir to the back door

the cop from the Armenian but before I could get to the Armenian a kid came up to me on a bicycle a Mexican dude he's like hey how you doing he starts talking to me and shit yeah this is a true story He says, talking to me and shit, Como's da?

And I thought I knew. Uh-huh. I think he knew me from the longest yard. Okay. So it was like 2005. Okay. Because I dealt with him for two years only. And I dealt with him in extreme situation.

Uh-huh. So this is how this guy sold you come. He would talk to me. That first time, he was like, hey, como's ta. Blah, blah, blah. He goes, what are you looking for? And like, I didn't know if the Armenian was there. I didn't know.

Right. But he goes, you know. And he goes. And he goes in his pocket, bro, right outside, it's got to be 8.30 at night. There's people on the balcony at El Camadre were in a parking lot. Yeah. He goes in his pocket, takes out of Coke Rock, and just fucking puts it in my nose. Really?

He goes, here, like this. That's delivery right there. He puts it right in my nose with his fucking, with his little HIV finger, whatever the phone. Right. His hepatitis, see, because that's how you get hepatitis. by snort and coke with a hundred dollar bills. Uh-huh, yeah. That's how a lot of people have hepatitis today.

No kidding. The question is, did you snort coke from a straw or intervenes? Right. Because when you put your straw in your nose and then you put in your nose, that's how people would get. Hep C, you get hepatitis C? The hap, yeah, the hep. So what we're talking about is this?

You're all right? You're right? Yeah, I'm right. This guy had like hepatitis C or whatever. It doesn't really matter. He put the Coke rock in my nose. and immediately I was fucked up. And he goes, what do you want?

And I go, what's a gram? And he goes, he just said. So I gave him 60 bucks and no rap and no nothing. He just took a bag out. And he goes, Damaama. And I put my hand out. He just put a chunk out my hand.

Wow. And I just closed and I go, that's a lot of Coke. First-time deal. Yeah. And he goes, if you want to find me, I'm on sunset in Western. Coke for less. Cyclosunson and Western, right?

Like, okay, no worry. I'll keep that in mind. I take the Coke home. It's fire. Uh-huh. It's fire. Nice. So in those days,

I had like three or four drug dealers because I didn't want them to know how much coke I was really good. Right. You don't want to be judged by your drug dealer. I had your Armenian at Okumparjadry. I had the guitar player at Elkampadre. Uh-huh.

I had my black buddy, D. Money. And I had John Blaze, the bartender at one of those Hollywood clubs. Yeah. So I had four different drug dealers and nobody knew. Nobody knew I had tabs.

I always had a tab with D money. And I wouldn't have a tab with John Blaze. I always had a tab with the Armenian, but the guitar player, I don't compadre, wouldn't give me a tab. Yeah. So it was nights where you were all tapped up. Right.

The other two dealers aren't around. Yeah. I got to pay for this? So one night I'm sitting in my apartment. I'm drawing. I'm about to jerk off of the 8th time. Sure. I'm like, I got to get some more coke.

And also I heard, come to sunset and, Western, I'm always there. And I'm like, you're a little flashback. Yeah, like it in a movie. Like I heard like that voice, like you can do it. You know, like when he's about to lose, he's swimming. Yeah.

You get like a vision of your father. Yeah, Obi-One Canobe. Yeah. What's he say? What's Spider-Man? The Uncle Ben. Yeah. I don't know.

Responsibility. What the uncle? With great power comes great responsibility. Yeah, yeah. So I'm sitting there and I hear, you know, I hear like, to sunset in Western. With debt comes with more hookups. Yeah, with great power comes responsibility.

I heard his voice. Give me that whole Spider-Man speech. So I got my car and I went to the street past Western on Hollywood Boulevard. I made it right on the sunset. And I drove up and I'm like looking around. I don't know what they yell for.

It's two in the morning. That part of town is kind of empty. I get the Hollywood and Western at that light. It was a red light. And I'm like, okay, I look at the McDonald's. It's open then. I think they closed it.

Yeah. That's why I bought breakfast from my wife and her two girlfriends. My daughter, Mercy, was born. Uh-huh. I got the call at like four. We're going to go into labor, and I stopped McDonald's. Right. Like, I brought breakfast.

They're like, ugh. It's fucking smelled. So I'm sitting there eating at McMuffins. The whole fucking deal. So I'm not that light. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't even know if I should make a noise. If I got a beep, right, or whatever.

So dog, the light changes. I'm like the second car in the lane. The light changes, and I'm driving, but guess what? What? At the next light, there's a red light. At the next corner, there's a red light. Who do you think comes up to me in this little bicycle? Yoda.

Yoda. He comes up and he goes, hey, how you doing? You come here and you find me. It's two in the fucking morning. Pull over, pull over. So right there, my sunset, we just pulled over on his bicycle. He came around. opened up the fucking car door.

First thing he does is make sure you're not a cop. He puts a Coke rock in your nose. Oh, really? There's no conversation. Gotcha. There's no conversation. What does that accomplish? Like, if you got a Coke rock on your nose, you can't be a cop?

If he puts it in and you snort it, he knows you're not a cop. Gotcha. Gotcha. So he would give you a little taste. Yeah. Wow. I'm ready to buy. And you're like 50 and he'd give you a little Coke thing with no package, no nothing.

You'd just be driving home on sunset. Handful of Coke. Like a handful of Coke, like a delivery boy. from Domino's. Windows rolled up. You think I'm fucking kidding. How many times that guy gave me coke in the palm of my hand. Uh-huh.

With not a fucking... But that's how bad Western used to be. So food flesh is right there. There's something else right there, too. That's kind of scary. Everything over there is sketchy. But now they're making a shopping mall out of it, aren't they? Okay.

But you know what that McDonald's is? Yeah. Across the street from that, to let you guys know how fucking crazy Hollywood is. Yeah. was one of the biggest casting offices in this town. Right. Really?

Yeah. That right across the street from that McDonald's. If you look, there's like a bunch of, like, you know, sell your kids, that those type of buildings. Like, you get alone tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sell your daughter to the Mexican cartel. Right. And then there's like a little house that's very, you think, like, who would live there?

20 years ago, to Walter was going to do a movie for fucking. the director from drugstore cowboy. Gus Fancin. Gus Fansant. We're going to do a movie about a singer that used two stand-ups. And we went to the studio first and read, but the final callback was at that house.

I remember going there like at 10 in the morning of what the fuck is this shit? Like, what is this? And that was the first time ever that I went into a room, Travolta was in the room. No shit. And I go out of all the studios and shit I've been to.

There's never an actor there. I come to the haunted house on Western Boulevard and there's fucking Charlottta here with Gus Van Sant. That's crazy, man. I was laughing the other day because I watch, I've been watching Cheers. And Joey always says how old L.A. is.

They had a scene in L.A. by that clown liquor store. Yeah. It looks the same. It looks the same. Right. They're not changing that. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

The whole block. The clown is on violent. Yeah. Yeah, that's scary. The whole drunk clown. That whole block looks the same. From like 1990. Cheers was 1990 and that block still looks to say.

I think Cheers is a little earlier. Well, no, no. Cheers was earlier. I'm in the last couple seasons now. Cheers was like early 80s to early 90s. That's funny because last night they had less than zero on. Yeah. And they scroll through different places at Beverly Hills.

And none of those places are there. Oh, yeah, Beverly Hills. But when they scrolled through Hollywood, I saw Hollywood neon. That's all I remember. Right. But there's times like when you watch Leitha Weapon. Uh-huh. The first lethal weapon is hilarious.

That's the neighbor that lived it. Yeah. One minute he's on Shreda and two minutes later he's fighting. What's his name under the 101? Right. It's impossible. It is impossible. It's impossible.

When he goes, I'm going to go ahead from him, I'll cut him off on Vine. Yeah. What are you talking about? You're anywhere near Vine. It would take you 35 minutes to call him off on fucking Vine. You need a helicopter. You know, when you watch Pretty Women. Yeah.

Watch Pretty Women. die when they go down Hollywood Boulevard you're like oh my god that's still there yeah the one with the valley girl right valley girl will really kill you yeah SWAT

when they were shooting SWAT I live in that neighborhood I don't know SWAT the last one they just shot in 2005 yeah with the Irish guy on the corner of COW they shoot that on Wilcox

look at the sign that's Wilcox and Hollywood Boulevard. I lived right around the fucking corner. Yeah. When they did the bus and the people escape and all that. Right. So it's really weird when you live on the East Coast and you've never come out here. Yeah.

The best case scenario is that show 24, Jack Bauer would go from like Simi Valley to Venice Beach in like 15 minutes. You know, he'd be all over the place in that scenario. Oh, you got less than zero. She went from Beverly Hills to Yuma. Yeah. What's the beach? What's the beach? Yeah, I think it's Zuma Beach.

Zuma Beach? They're like, where's Adrian? Well, he likes to go to Zuma Beach. And, like, it took him like eight minutes. There was no traffic. Right. And no scene in less than zero was that traffic. I know.

And there was like eight people on the beach. Jumping up and down. Which is funny because I actually did read the book, believe it or not. And they mentioned traffic in that book a lot. I think it was when traffic was just starting in the 80s. Like, L.A. was starting to get out of control in the 70s, I think. And all the small and everything. I ended up reading that book.

After or before the movie. I didn't see. see the movie when it came out. I read the book first and then I didn't see the movie until like the year 2000 or something. So you would, when you read the book was the movie out yet? Yeah, the movie

has been out forever and the book is nothing like the movie. How long did the book come out before the movie? I really don't know. But I don't think it was that long. I remember I rented that. When I finally did rent that movie, it was like, it was a weird thing with my video store clerk. I was like, hey, where's

less than zero? I want to watch that movie. and he's like it's in the the G&L section and he's like looking at the table I'm like G&L he's like gay and lesbian and I was like all right and he just seemed like really weird with me after that we were like boys until that moment and then all of a sudden he thought that was fucking weird

the guy that turned me on to that movie like I hadn't liked those type of movies I don't like those Hollywood type movies and the guy that turned me on to the movie was a big time cokehead who smoked it Uh-huh. And when I went to his house to do something, he goes, hey, you've watched less than zero. He's got to be getting high.

He looks like he's getting high in that movie. Right. Really? And I watched the movie. He goes, he's got the shit around his gums, and he's sweating. He goes, his father's house. It just last night disturbed me. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Because now I'm seeing what it reminded me of me at that. Yeah. You know, less than zero is a movie about a fucking kid who's a junkie. He lives in this unrealistic fucking world of Beverly Hills where the first Christmas party. There's 200 TVs at the Christmas party. They just have people dancing.

This is just unrealistic. But it probably does happen. These are the sons of movie stars. Right. You know, there's no parents around none of the movies. When he went back to his house, he went into a gym that topples fucking golds in Venice. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. They have tons of money. But I watched the movie, and I was thinking of cancel my spot at the store, like I said. Yeah. Until he started throwing the figure $50,000 around. Mm-hmm. And then he went to his friend, Andrew McCartney,

he goes, I need the $50,000. They got to put me to suck dick. Yeah, that's why he was in the G&L section. Right. They were just picking him up and taking them to drop him off to suck dick. Right. And the guy, the bullies from Karate Kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was it Zapka? I don't know who it was. I forget. Or is it, or is it, ah, fuck, whatever. One of those fucking guys that was big in those 80s. Yeah.

Is the guy that's driving them. Then he escapes and he goes, right. What's his name? But it's weird. Are you ready for this? This is scary. This is why I had to get out of the house last day.

Because when he started talking about it, I still know. 40? Probably. Is the guitar player? No. That's a lot of money. How long does that take to?

Is there interest? Two months. What? But I was front in the quarter four ounces at a time. Uh-huh. So listen to them. You're stressing out Luke.

Oh, no, no, no. This movie was stressing me out. Just thinking about it. Right. That I owed this one guy, 40. I owed her partner, his partner, 60.

Oh, my God. And I owed their friend. I was never. Why am I nervous? Jesus. I was in a $30,000 league. Yeah. 1986, I'm 23 years old.

Yeah. And that's exactly what I owed. Hazy Shade of Winter. I was behind 100 grand in cocaine money. That's insane. You can't eat. I can't. And he had borrowed money for a restaurant in that movie.

He wanted to borrow $50,000 for a restaurant to open up a business or something. and it failed. This was, I would just go to somebody and go, I need that. Again, they would go, where's the money from the original? I gave it out, I'm waiting on the front to how to pay for this,

just give it to me again. Next time I see you, I'll pay you the whole time and I would show up again with a story. Uh-huh, and they kept giving you? And then I would go back to the guy and go, listen, I've been bullshying you. I got robbed two weeks ago.

I just didn't have the heart to tell you. Yeah. You got to make me start. over again he would give me another half holy shit it was just because were you keeping track of what you owed or was he oh yeah yeah okay yeah i knew in my mind he wasn't gonna see dick right i knew in my mind he wasn't gonna see dick and then one day i went to a bar and i bumped into him and her would get it together so they would get it cheaper uh-huh so i bumped in time she's like why don't you ever get shit from me i'm like i would but i'm with this other girl he goes now from now and you're from me

give you a half a kilo. Okay. Yeah. I'm gonna turn it down. You know, in those days, people come up to you and go, can you, you know anybody who does Coke? No. Why?

I was going to give you a couple ounces to see if you can move. Just leave him here, maybe. What the fuck out of it is? I was going to be in that bag as soon as you walked out the fucking door. I was going to say, how much of that $100,000 did you snort? And how much did you sell? All of it. You snorted all of it?

You know, Lee, somebody gives you fucking. Somebody gives you eight ounces a cup. They want 1,200 a piece. Okay. What's 8 times 12? 96. Okay, so now you've got to give them $9,600. Let's say you bump into, I'm just saying this as just,

let's say you bump into cake quickly. You have $9,600 worth of cocaine in your pocket, and you throw a cut on that, and you're going to make $15,000, and you're still going to keep an ounce for yourself to fucking go crazy. But guess what? you go to the county store

you give a little bit to this guy you get a little bit to that guy you sell most of it and now you start getting all that cash right it's not your cash so now you're at the county store it's 10 to 2 you got 6,000 in your pocket

Kate Quigley's looking bad at the motherfucker and she's like well I really can't go to my plans because then you're like fuck let's go to the standard it's not your money but what do you give a fuck it's 4 in the morning And Kate Quigley's there, and you got six ounces of Coke in your pocket. You're going to lie some pussy on fire.

You're going to do everything to Hubb and make a mop. You know what I'm saying? Okay. So what are you going to do? You're going to play fucking... Well, I can't take you home because my mother... No. You're going to whip out those six grand.

You're going to whip out that six grand. And you're going to get the best room at that standard. This is Kate Quigley. You've got the body of a thorough bread. Okay? And you're going to go up there and guess what? What are you going to do when you get on there? What are you going to do you might have some coke on you you might want to break that out what are you going to drink

pink guy's water yeah no so that refrigerator that's eight dollars a bottle yeah you're doing the whole thing and you're getting another case you're going to call them and say look at i'm gonna this little blonde up here send me up another refrigerator because this is going down right how much is the refrigerator 800 don't matter bring one up it's not my money it's don't matter and that i don't say you were supposed to Kay Quigley's a fucking vacuum. And for you to eat. There goes that ounce. There goes that ounce, Jack.

Plus the one you're going to take out in the morning. And what are you going to do at 11 when they call you? Mr. Sayyatta, you check it out? And you look over and she's passed out with no panties on. Are you going to check out? Nah. I'm going to stay here for another day. By the way, you got room service, send up 18 eggs, bacon, everything.

Because I got a blonde next to me and I still got half a bag left. And she don't even know what country she's at. Now you're 40 grand in debt. And now you're 40,000. You just dropped 6,000. I can't tell you how anxious I am for you. You just dropped 6Gs. In 12 hours.

That whole fucking night. You know how many nights I went out? I remember one night I went out with four ounces of Coke. The guy's like, what time I got to. All right, let's just go to New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve, 84, 85. This guy, I had been working this pigeon for a month. He had heard all the rumors.

He was watching me like a hawk. Right. He was giving me an eight ball at a time. And then I worked myself up to a quarter. But I knew the day was coming. I was going to get him off guard. And then the holiday night was getting him up to a half ounce. And what time I'm going to meet with this money?

I'm going to see you tonight for the day. Because he knew never to give me the Coke and say tomorrow. Tomorrow you're not going to get it. Right. If you're going to give it to me at midnight, you better get to that bar or any bar in that vicinity by three. Because I'm at one of those bars trying to pick up. Right.

Trying to hook up with something. He could take him to a hotel. So he would meet me again at 2.2.30. So for like two months, I had to be by the ball with him. Then New Year's, he's like, did I tell you, man, I'm going away at 5 o'clock, and I'm going to have to give you more. By this time, we're fine.

Uh-huh. And he gave me two ounces. Big mistake. Right. He goes, call me at midnight. And I go, I'll call you with the money at midnight. Sure. The fuck out of here.

By 8 in the morning, I was in the car to Creskill. I never saw that motherfucker again. Yeah. Because that's what you were. And I was broke. Right. That ounce he gave me, that went that night. Yeah.

Because once, you know, it's like I told somebody the other day, just do a bump, you know, a buddy in mind struggling with drugs, a young kid. And I said, him, listen, I'd rather you do a bump a week than lose your mind. Right. And he goes, I can't throw a bump. It always turns into an ape. Well, then so be it. It always does.

Nobody just does a bump. Once you open up the bump, you just walked into Willie Wonka's chocolate factory. Now you got two hours to fucking kill. Right. I'm saying? So it's just, it's, that's how fat. Lee, I went through, Lee, I was making money and still out snorting and outspending my makings. Like it was, I had three different drug dealers at once.

So how do you feel walking around with $100,000? And it's not like Capital One, wherever they call. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's get something straight. What? Nobody, in 1986, not me, I never had more than $8,000 in my memory. No, no, no, no. I'm saying that you owed $100,000. Yes.

To someone who, it's not like Capital One where they call you like, hey, we want this money. It's like, they're going to. They swing a bad at you. Yeah. Like, how do you feel? First of all, these three people were not going to swing a bad at me. Oh, my God. They were going to threaten me.

You're going to give Leah a heart attack. Yeah. And try to talk to me, they were not going to string a bad effort. Okay. Okay. They were going to let me work it off. Gotcha. We were going to get them more and more and more in a hole.

Right. The last lady, yeah, it was just going to keep getting them. There's no coming back from them. Were you the exception? Do other people get away with stuff like that? Or it was just you? Listen, if you don't try it. Yeah.

In those days, you got to remember what it turned. From 1980 to 84, it went from everybody having acid, everybody having Coke yeah and they flooded the market then people were coming up to your house like your brother and it's a Spanish dude that's married to your white sure and he's always been a nice guy uh-huh but all of a sudden they started driving the Cadillac and all of a sudden they go on to Puerto Rico and you're like what are they doing and one day he comes up and he's like hey man I don't know if you get rid of this and you're like I have a few friends I know Lee I know Joey yeah fucking Renee

whatever they snore a little coke but he leaves you a fucking four ounces yeah Okay, what you're going to sell us is an eight ball a week. Pretty soon you're going to start doing a bump. Then you want to do a bump, then you go on the road, and pretty soon you snort an ounce. Right. So now you're, now you got to cut the Coke to make the profit back from shitty Coke. It was always, your question was, how did I walk around? How do you feel, yeah.

Today? No, no, no, no. That day, when you check out of the hotel finally and you're just going to pink dot, Are you looking over your shoulder? No. Jesus. Not at all. So you don't think that guy cares about that money anymore.

Oh, no, I bumped into it. Okay. I left in 86 in the middle of the night. When I left Snow Mask, I owed him 40, the chick 20. The other chick, like, 30. I had, like, 10 people I owed 5,000 to that. Wow. You know, like 10 people I would say invest with me.

Give me $5,000. I give you back $7,500, two days. Bring God. Right. But it was... And I think about it today because how stupid can you be? You know what I'm saying? Like, how stupid can you be?

I had like four or five people I owed, you know, $5,000 less to... Yeah. The video store I just cleaned out. Oh, yeah? The video store I worked at, I just took everything good. Projected as I took everything that night. And would you go back to work or was that the last day?

They wrote my wife a letter to video people. Oh, yeah? Like Christmas, like we left Thanksgiving week. Like Thanksgiving of 86, I just snapped. Uh-huh. I just snapped. I went to the city market in snowmast. I ordered a turkey.

I was supposed to pick it up on Thursday. I must have invited 15 people to my house for Thanksgiving Day on Thursday, okay? Uh-huh. I had this whole thing planned. I had this, this, and I was on a spring. spring for the whole thing. Even though I owed $80,000, I'm springing for $2,000. Yeah. And I finally got my last investor, him and his sister were partners on this restaurant called Paul LaFrance. Okay. And he was the cook in the bag. A real fucking Mo Moe. And he was like,

hey, how do I invest with you? I want to invest. And I held him off. He was like my last. Yeah. He was like the one I was going to hit. But I held them off for so long that he couldn't wait to give me the money yeah like I was gonna give you 500 but I'm willing to give you a thousand now hold on to it wait until something big comes up yeah yeah like I had three of those guys I were dying to give me money I knew they were grapes that's so far they were always gonna be this yeah they just want to give away that money yeah they couldn't wait to be in the code business they couldn't wait but they were so anxious I had to hold them off yeah like to make them even hungry like come on man yeah we can be more we're missing out on millions so they were

guys like that would they would they would buy coke from me uh-huh and then they would turn their customers on to me like their friends uh-huh and they would go i could sell so much more let me be your partner i'm like hold on when we're gonna then i would just sell them like a line line of listen when we go right go deep you and i yeah i got these meals coming up in columbia i would just do the speech from my god i'd have nothing yeah i had nothing i barely had food in the fucking house uh-huh and i would tell them listen i got these meals coming up When I get these six kilos, can you come up with like 4,000? Yeah.

And then we'll make a ton of money. And I'd leave them at that. They'd see me a week later. Man, I thought about your proposition. How about I gave you $10,000? I'm like, oh, these poor best. You're like the Bernie made off of Coke. This is the crazy.

What the fuck? This is horrible. Yeah. And I had all these people. And I had people that I paid back. There were people that I made a lot of money. Yeah. There were people that I respected and they gave me five.

thousand and I already had the Coke sold yeah by the time I got back I give them their 6200 yeah or 65 on you that's what I did with people like I can see why you went to the store last night that's a lot to think about what do you mean this fucking debt that's just in the past so this is 1986 yeah so I scheduled this big Thanksgiving dinner now at that time my paranoia I'd skyrocketed okay the DEA was watching me I knew the local I couldn't snort in my house anymore. Okay.

So I would go to Lee and go Lee. Come here. You're like, what are you talking about? I'll go to the standard. I want you to get a hotel and get the fuck out. Don't come back. I'm bringing a chick over. I don't want you to come back.

And you go, okay, give me 200 bucks. So I would go to his house. That's how bad my paranoia was. And why I was at his house, I'd still go crazy. Looking out the windows? Looking out the windows, taking the phones out. Oh, my God. him apart. I was one of those guys, ripping up carpets.

Holy shit. I became, what's his name? What's the guy that Eddie? What's the fighter that broke his fireplace? Oh. Because Tony Ferguson, he said there was Martians living in the FBI bugged his fireplace. I was one of those people. I thought you're talking about mayhem. So Thanksgiving of 86, that Thursday I was supposed to have a big party. But that Wednesday afternoon, I picked up two ounces of this coke. Yeah. That was fucking phenomenal. Uh-huh.

I went to my buddy Cato's house, and I gave him like an eight ball. I go, Kato, you got to go. He's like, where am I going to go? I go, fucking to help. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. You want this eight ball or not? Yeah. He took the ape on, he disappeared.

Uh-huh. And fucking, I stayed in his apartment all night, Wednesday, snorting. Forget about Thanksgiving. Yeah. I fucking snorted. What do you do when you snort cocaine by yourself? You just hanging out? Jerk off.

I had a girl that would come over and suck my dick. I had a coke on a pussy and put coke on the titty. Oh, okay. She was like married. She lived on like D-24. I mean, it was just terrible. Right. She would come all over.

So there was like three or four different condominium things up in Snowmast. There was Creekside. There was the battleship. And then I used to, I did construction work out. I'm one that had four apartments. So I stole the keys to all four of them. So I would go in. the different apartments when the people out of town

and just snuck cold. Yeah. I was crazy, guys. So that whole day Thanksgiving, I didn't come home. Uh-huh. My poor girlfriend at the time was like... She had a host without you?

Oh, yeah. With your friends. With my friends. No turkey, because I never picked up the turkey. I ordered the turkey from the guy special. Uh-huh. That guy never talked to me again. Oh, my God.

I waited all day for you with the turkey. I couldn't kill him because he was going to kill him and then give him to him. Oh, my God. I was one of those assholes. You're living a live in a live in a live in a live in a live in a turkey. Oh yeah. Oh,

holy shit. I fucking walked in my house Friday, 11 o'clock. You parted in the turkey. I'm sorry, go ahead. What you said? My girl, I walked into my house Friday morning, 11 o'clock in the morning. Uh-huh. And my girlfriend ended up becoming my wife, which is heartbroken.

Uh-huh. She's like, listen, man, I've had fucking 50 people here, people calling for you. And then I went on the fucking scavenger on. I said, okay. We're out of here Saturday. that we just beat these guys and I went to that dude from Paula France I got him for like six thousand or something uh-huh I had another guy I went to like 2,000 and then I had this bag of pot I bought I bought this bag of weed yeah did you even smoke pot back then oh yeah okay okay

okay I had this bag of pot that I bought for fucking 300 bucks uh-huh that looked like it would put you on Mars mm-hmm but did nothing to you okay you could smoke it for two hours straight nothing absolutely nothing but it looked tremendous got you so the lady neely that i owed maybe 25th at the time yeah i was all packed up packed up at six or seven cash in my pocket uh my girlfriend's crying at the house oh man leave here we had a dog oh hercules yeah we had a moster a two-door moscda uh-huh the thing was fucking bouncing from all our clothes and shit. Yeah. And she's like, what are we

gonna do for Coke? I got one last idea. Give me that pound of weed. I took that pound of weed and I knocked on, and name was Neely, I knocked on the door. What's that expression? My head, my heart and my head. Yeah. My hat.

Your hat in your hand. My hand. Yeah. And she goes, you better have my mother. I go. That's a no. I don't know where the fuck you've been for the last week. But your bill is fucking growing And I'm charging you into I'm like listen

She goes what's in the bag? I go listen I got a problem I'm trying to solve this Okay I'm really working hard She goes I found out you Oh somebody else

You didn't know about Jay Right Jay was the guy I was 40 to 50 Yeah So I go listen You see this weed here This came from Hawaii

This pound is like 12 100 hours This is an addict talking Yeah I could sell you out of your I'm going to enhance that. Right. And I'm like, this is what I'm going to do.

Give me two ounces of Coke. I ain't giving you shit. Listen to me. I'm going to give you two ounces of Coke and the keys to my house. I was leaving anyway. I will be back here in an hour with your $4,000. Yeah. She looked at me, looked at me back and forth.

I'm like, why would I lie? I'm trying to make money here. Plus, I'll knock a thousand off our tab. Uh-huh. This is how good of a deal I've got. And she looked at me, she's like, if you're not back here now with my money, I swear to God, they've got to shoot you in the fucking head.

I'm like, fine, give me the ounces. And give me the glass. Don't give me the shit. You give the Russians. Give me the glass. So she's like, I mean, this Coke was beautiful. And she goes, when are you going to be back here? I go, 9 o'clock.

Fuck you. I got my car headed South Jack. Holy shit. That bitch is still waiting for that pound of wheat. So now this is 86. Uh-huh. I go to Aspen. I go to Boulder.

Did you drive there? Drove to Boulder from Aspen that night. Gotcha. We stopped at four different hotels, checked in and checked out. Uh-huh. We were going to a hotel, empty our stuff, do two lines of coke, get paranoid and go. Really? It was horrible.

Horrible. Wow. Yeah. When I put this poor girl through, no wonder, she don't let me talk to her. My kid. Oh, my God. Four hotels. Uh-huh.

That's a lot. Do a line of Coke. Fucking look at each other for a minute and then go, we got to go. Would you get your money back every time or you just lost that money? We would just leave. Wow. Wow. So we did that.

We got back to Boulder. We finished the Coke for two days. We fucked and sucked. Uh-huh. And we had like, you know, $60. I mean, knowing this is how much an addict that we could have sold an ounce to start a new life. Right. And made $2,000.

We just didn't. Yeah. You know, that's the mind of an addict. Sure. Fucking, uh, so I lived in Boulder, got arrested 88. Yeah. Got married in 89, got separated in 91. And 91, I'm already doing comedy.

Maybe that November, I'm feeling down about myself. Uh-huh. I go, let me go up to Aspen. So four years later, I'm going to go to a place where I owe 100 grand. There's 50 people pissed off that one. Uh-huh. You know, they back traced and realized what I had the damage I had done since 83. Yeah.

Shoplifting and doing all this damage. And I rent the car and I go to Aspen. And I go, let me go to Snowmass first. The place where I actually owed the fucking money. Right. And I go to Snowmass Mall, whatever the mall is called up in the top. Yeah. And there's a parking right there.

What a surprise. And I get out of the car and I'm not in the mall. I walk, it's an outdoor mall. I'm gonna go to get a bowl of stew at the stew pot. Yeah. And I'm not in the mall. Two minutes. Fuck.

And I see the guy over 40,000. Jesus Christ. I walked up to me with this new girl. He's like, man, how are you doing great to see? I gave him a hug. Like, nothing happened. My heart was beating a little bit. I didn't have a weapon on me.

I didn't know what was going on. Yeah. We hugged. He asked me what was going on. I said I lived in fucking boulder now, and I'm doing stand-up comedy. And he goes, that's great. He goes, can I ask you something?

What about him to that money you owed me? I go, brother, it was drug money. It was water under the bridge. He shook him a hand and he walked away. Wow. He just let you out. $40,000. Dude.

What are you going to do? What can he do? What can you do as a human being? What can you do? Like, there was one guy I owed money to him bold. I knew exactly how much I owed him, $1,600. Yeah. He was a sweetheart of a guy.

I called them back about three years ago. I sent them the money. Oh, cool. Yeah. I sent them to 1650 and I put an extra hundred on top. Nice. He was so happy. Yeah, that's great.

You know, there were some people who I beat that I feel bad about. There's other people who played the game and weren't prepared for it. Right. You know, in my world, after the first 10,000, I got to put a bullet in you like. Right. Because if not the word's going to get out, that you could beat me. Yeah. And that can't get out because that's my business.

Yeah. Since he didn't shoot me. I didn't smack me. didn't do nothing so what are you gonna do what's the chick gonna do right what's she gonna do no she not willing to do what's the other one gonna do yeah the last one the one i told you i gave the wheat that she lives here now oh yeah she was in that life she's somebody's personal manager no kidding assistant or some shit if you run into her what do i give a fuck i thought of the same story that was 30 years ago suck my dick and call me shorthy i was born in nineteen forty

you're gonna come hit me up a sentence of 30 years ago go fuck i love how you tell them it's water the bridge. I know. I'm over. That's what I'm saying to Citibank. What do you want to do that? You got into the drug business. Obviously, you weren't prepared to cover the spread. Right.

And somebody beat you. You got fucked. And you got fucked. But you were wide open. Looking poorly. Oh, yeah. It's going to be fine. You did none of this.

I used to have fun. This is all Joey did this. People knocking on your door. If you're in there, we're going to kill you. And I'll be giggle in the back. God. With a gun. You ain't going to do nothing.

Because if you bust that door, I'm going to shoot you right in the fucking head. You know what I'm saying? So were you really like Scarface doing lines and holding a gun and watching your door? That's so funny. That's sick at one time. But you didn't go to A and anything, did you? You just figured it out. I just figured out.

I tried going a couple of miles, but it wasn't for me. Gotcha. I just, but you get to a point where you're crawling on the floor. I used to remember dumping an ounce in the toilet, flushing it, and then the Coke stuck to the side of the toilet in the hotel and me taking my fingers. Licking it all right, right. I mean, who would, and sticking in my nose. Yeah.

Cocaine juice. Yeah. I would stick it in my nose. I mean, this is the sickness. Yeah. This is the mind of an addict. Right. I'm happy.

You never got into that shit that one. No. Really? Yeah. Reefer is the only way. Reefers the shit. Reefer never made nobody. Well, you couldn't owe somebody 40,000 if you wanted to.

No way. Unless you bought the $4. farm right say let's like come up and go give me the farm come up being a week and I have your cash I mean for the farm for the crops yeah I went through that last night it's just it's just a sick life yeah it seems like so long ago who it's gonna be finally no fuck it and now joey died for your sins now you're doing wheat high and and drinking uh smoothies what's I got to do it that's just crazy how things can change things have to change i guess so you can't you know you have to evolve yeah listen i didn't i did some uh you know that girl when i when i talk about it here and

how she took my daughter and all that shit i don't ever want people to think i was innocent i'm saying that girl smartened up one day and said what the fuck was i gone uh-huh i put I was a poor girl through six years out. Right. I still remember being in her brother's wedding party. Mm-hmm. And her leaving on Wednesday going, so you're flying in Saturday morning.

You're like, yeah, we're going to. And she's like, bring the Coke. I had this pink Coke. It was so good. I had two ounces. You flew with it? No, I gave it to a friend of mine to hold and it's safe. Gotcha.

It was so good that I gave it to you and said, hold it in your safe. Gotcha. You didn't get high. It was an electrician friend of mine. Right. I go hold it to you safe till this date. I don't want that coke around.

I will pick it up on this day at this time. And I went up to that house and 1 o'clock on a Friday. I was supposed to be on a plane on Saturday morning at 8 to get the boulder at like 10. And the wedding was at 1. When I got to my buddies, I went home at 3 o'clock. I said, let me just do a blast. I did a blast. Do you know she came back on Wednesday?

And I had not. I was still snoring cup. Four days later. Oh, man. Tuesday, I'm exaggerate. Tuesday, she walked in and I was doing the talent of the last half-ounce. Right. Never made it to the wedding.

Dude. The fucking dog didn't pee. Oh. I didn't let the dog out for the first 25 hours. He was by the door just looking at me. Yeah. With pee coming out of his fucking ears. Yeah.

I mean, it was a different fucking world. Yeah. You know And it's going to be November 8th It's going to be 12 years I'm awake in that world Yeah man Yeah it becomes a job

You never got hooked on nothing No I mean I used to be way more into booze Than I am now I used to drink a lot But I don't know It didn't really disrupt my life As far as I know But you know

It put me in a lot of bad moods That's for fucking sure. Real quick, before I go any further. I got to read a quick ad before I forget, because I always fucking forget. Listen, the church of what's happened now is sponsored by Upstart. Most of us find out the hard way, but getting into debt is easy, like we're just discussed.

No kidding. Getting out is hard, especially if your credit score isn't that great. They offer you smarter interest rates to help you pay off credit card debt. That's what Upstart does. Okay, listen, Upstart could have helped me. It could have helped any of us with debt. Upstart goes beyond the traditional credit score. Your upstart interest rate is based on your education, job history, not your credit score. They actually reward you for going to school. So Upstart doesn't care about the bills you didn't pay five years ago. They care about the person you are now today and they give you a rate based on that.

Plus, they make it fast, simple, and easy to check your rate in just a few minutes without affecting your credit score. The best part, once the loan is approved, and most people get their funds the very next day. The next day, over 300,000 people have used Upstart to pay off credit cards. Free yourself from the burden of high-interest credit card debt by consolidating everything into one monthly payment with Upstart. See why Upstart is ranked number one. in their category with over 300 businesses on TrustPilot. Hurry up to upstart.com slash church to find out how low your upstart rate is. Listen, the holidays are coming.

You need cash. You're running out of cash. Things are hard. Go to upstart.com right now slash church. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes and it won't affect your credit. That's upstart.com slash church. holidays are coming you want to clear up some credit cards this is the way to go upstart matt what's on tap for you uh the podcast just came out today roadheads on iTunes

you have another podcast also the full charge power hour that's a lot of fun if you want to listen to that so that with i do that with a guy a friend of mine named Craig Coleman okay um and i got a movie reviewer it's a little out of his mind he's the star of the show because he says the craziest fucking things check that out the full charge.com and uh fuck am i i'm doing i'm doing a show with you coming up aren't i where uh maybe i think you told me new york in massachusetts but if i'm wrong i don't know yeah okay okay okay i thought you mentioned that oh okay well i'm doing that i'm in atlantic city if you don't want to do that it's fine i just okay uh Atlantic city first week of November. I'm doing the brigada.

And I'm going to Australia with Tom Seguerra in January. You got the world by the... Yeah, man. It's exciting. And you're right there in the middle of you're still coming up with new material. You're always killing in front of me. Thanks, man. That's why I use you because you're a fucking savage del lured. Thank you, man. I appreciate that.

We met a long time ago. Absolutely. That's the same fucking comedy store, baby. Pot luck. Pot luck is when we met. Yeah. Yeah. Pot fucking luck, man. Full John. The years are going, buddy, but we're still in fucking game just keep going and that's all that fucking man what else is there to do what do you got scheduled for this week this week i'm gonna yeah i'm doing the ice house on tuesday i'm doing the laugh

factory tonight i'm doing the long beach laugh factory on wednesday and i'm doing the ontario improv all weekend with chris porter open it for chris really yeah okay good for yeah so check me out if you you're rocking and fucking road oh dude i do the stand-up comedy i can't stop this is why i fucking love you yeah i'm happy you came on yeah this is the best i love hanging up I'm coming back for a few fucking days. Listen, don't go nowhere. Do not forget 11 fucking 8th and 11.9. November 8th and 9th, I'm at the Funny Bone in Omaha, Nebraska.

And then November 29th and 30th, I'm at the motherfucking Miami Improv. And do not forget, we just added a second show in New York City at Town Hall on the 6th. That's it, and that's that. Real quick before you get the fuck out of here. Let me talk to you about a few fucking things, cock's suckers. All right. Number one, like I told you in the beginning.

Listen, we're six, seven weeks into football and you're still fucking around. All right. Why you keep picking winners and not betting them is beyond me. That's why I go to my book. It's fast, it's easy, and they pay when you win. Let's face it.

Where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on. So stop fucking around. If you're trying to build on the NFL, the World Series, UFC, whatever. My bookie's got it. I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them if they're not the fucking best out there.

So do the smart thing. If you're going to bet this football season, bet with my bookie. Did you know you can bet on games after kickoff? You got options with my bookie. If by the second half it looks like your bet's going to lose, who gives a fuck? You can always take the other side.

That's the kind of shit my bookie does. If you're the kind of guy who likes to bet a little and win a lot, you better fucking parlay. If the picks come through, you multiply your fucking winnings. And no matter how you bet, the NFL season is the best time of the year because right now, you get to fucking listen. Starting next week is just basketball. The lines are soft. If you're not betting NBA next week, go fuck yourself. I'm telling you you can make money.

Everybody knows about the NFL lines. You're fucking dead. But with basketball, you can make money. money. So double your deposit today. Use promo code church to get 100% bonus on your initial deposit. Like Joey, what the fuck are you talking about?

What I'm telling you is if you give me a nickel, I'll match a nickel. That's what my bookie done for you. Who else does that for you? Nobody. Go to my bookie.orgie. That's my bookie. Grab that fucking pen again, you dumb fuck. M-Y-B-O-O-K-E.org.

And don't forget to use promo code church when creating your account to claim the bonus. And don't forget, with my bookie, you play, you win, you get paid. Don't forget to check my Instagram Thursday. I'm dropping a video from MyBooky on there, how to make bets and whatnot, all right? You'll be saying Uncle Joey is my fucking bookie.

Go to Matt Flavors world. Right now, go to mybooky.orgy.org, enter code church and W deposits. It's that easy. The church would also love to. Thank, ZipRecru. Let me tell you a little story about, you know who Dylan Moskowitz is? Dylan Michiwitz is a ZipRecruiter,

who used ZipRecru to hire for his company, Cafe Altura. They got a standard testimonial from this guy, all right? Hiring can be a slow process, but Kaffa Altura's CEO, Dylan Moskowitz, needed to hire a director of coffee for his organic coffee company. But he was having a little trouble finding a qualified candidate. What did he do? He went to ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you.

That's never going to happen. It finds the best quality candidates for you. Technology identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job, all right? So you get qualified candidates quick. Dylan posted his job on ZipRecruiter and said he was impressed on how quickly he had a great candidate to apply. He also used ZipRecruiter to the candidate's rating feature.

to filter his applicants so he could focus on the most relevant ones. And guess what? Dylan found the director of coffee in just a few days. With results like that, it's no one. The four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter, get quality candidates within the first day. What did I just say? The first day, okay?

Listen, you're a businessman. You own a business with a small or large. You don't have time to play fun and games. You want to get the qualified people nice and quick. that see why ZipRecruiter is effective and for all businesses of all sizes whether you're on a bakery or you have a sweatshop

ZipRecruiter can help you try ZipRecruiter dot com slash church again that's ZipRecruiter.com slash church C-HU-R-C-H ZipRecruiter.com slash church ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire

listen you're having a hard time your credit card Johnny Boombots this, this, The Hollywood's is coming. The church is sponsored by Upstart. You're like, Joey, what's Upstart?

Upstart offers you smarter interest rates to help you pay off your credit card debt. I told you during the middle of the podcast. Upstart goes beyond the traditional credit score. That's why I love Upstart. So do me a favor. CY Upstart is ranked number one in that category with over 300 businesses on Trust Pilot.

Harry to Upstart.com slash church to find out how low you're, Upstate, upstart rate is. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes, and it won't affect your credit score. All right, so do me a favor. Go to upstart.com slash church. I want to thank Upstart.

I want to thank ZipRecruiter, and I want to thank my bookie, but most importantly, I want to thank you, motherfucker, is for always having my back. Do not forget about my man, Matt Boulthron this week. If you're in the L.E. area,

come by. This guy's my main man. We go on the road together. He's my brother, and he's funny as fuck. And don't forget two weeks, the Funny Bone Omaha, Nebraska. Get those fucking steaks ready, cuckers. Get those stakes ready.

And Thanksgiving weekend, I'll be at the fucking Miami Improv. Friday and Saturday, December 6th with Matt Piltron and Manhattan. Rocking you, motherfuckers. Second show's been at it. Cut this shit. Go to Joey Diaz.net for all the details and everything you got going on. And that's it and that's that. It's fucking Tuesday. Go out there and knock them out of a park.

Look somebody in the eye and tell them, suck your dick. It's that type of day, all right? I want to thank Matt Fultron. Thank you, Joe. I want to thank you guys. I want to thank the fucking crazy Christkiller. I want to thank you guys for being loyal and for always being family.

From Uki Spooky to my man in Chicago to fucking all you cock suckers out there. I know who's watching. To Kern Michael. All you motherfuckers. Stay black. Have a great day. Kick this fucking me.

old Lee, a little Tony Bennett for these cocksuckers. You're a poet, Joey. You know, I know I like it. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I. A somebody who will swear to be true

As you used to do with me To learn That misery loves company Wait and see See how he does it When he breaks your heart to bits Let's see If a puzzle fits so fine

When I'll discover that revenge is sweet When somebody breaks your heart like you