The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #730 - Billy Wayne Davis

Episode Date: October 24, 2019

Billy Wayne Davis, a comedian, writer and actor heard on Adult Swim's "SquidBillies," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.    This podcast is brought to you by:   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get your complete hair kit for just $5 while supplies last.   

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Candy bitches. I got Willie. Billy Wayne. Billy Wayne Davis. What the fuck? Lily Way Cyrus, I don't fucking know. My brother Billy Wayne Davis. I got the Christ killer here.

And we got Led Zeppelin on Thursday border. Who's better than you? Nobody. That's who. Oh shit. What? If you got heroin shooter, who gives a fuck? Fuck that meeting.

They just got coffee and donuts, you know what I'm saying? There you go. I love it. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive, motherfucker. What? It is. That is a beautiful way to start a day. Listen, Billy Ray, Billy Wayne, we don't fucking remember.

You can say whatever. It is great to fucking see. It's good to see you too. It's been a long time. We had a nice moment in the park park. Yeah, last time I saw you were a young man. That's fair, yes. Young man.

Yeah, I was kind of fatter and drunker. How long have you been doing comedy for now? 16 years. When did I meet you? You met me. Shit. So, 2006, West Palm Beach. You started in 2000.

I started around 2000 to 2003. And I met you in West Palm Beach with Ralphie? No, I wasn't. No, it was through Ralphie. I was down there. I had met my now ex-wife down there where I was hanging out with her. And you and Joe came through the improv. And he was like, yo, you need to go meet Uncle Joey.

And I didn't have, you know, that's fucking feature act. So if I had $50 on me, I was like, we are doing good. So, yeah. And that's when I met you. You were super nice. Like one of the funniest people I'd ever seen. It's like one of those things where I was like, oh, I got to rethink how I'm doing a lot of this. It was just to watch you do this.

And then I got nervous and then you were really nice. And then that's just an intense place to meet anyone. Now, you were with the Spanish girl at the time? Yes. Okay. You met her down there. Yes. And then I joined up in Seattle.

She got a job there. Okay. A couple months after I met you, yeah. Did we do the radio together? Which, you know, listen, I got great. I could tell you what I ate for breakfast in 82. Ask me what I ate for breakfast today. I got no fucking idea.

I don't think. Maybe I'll did the, yeah, you probably did with Joe in West Palm because she was on the radio there. She was on that main radio station. Oh, without a doubt. Yeah, because that's how I met it. And you started where? In Nashville, Tennessee.

No shit. Open mic and it, the whole fucking deal. Yes. Yeah. It was the, yeah. Nashville. I was spoiled because. Zanis is where I started.

I got to be the house MC there for a while, and then I started going out on the road. And that place is so perfect for stand-up. They treat you so well. It's the best people come through there. When I went out on the road, I was like, what the fuck is this? And they're like, this is a comedy club.

I was like, no, it's not. There's not even... And you're like, oh, okay, I need to shut up, you know? Like, I just need to be thankful for work, but I was so spoiled about how it could be. And now I've been doing it 16 years. I'm like, oh, that's still the best place. you'd be the house mc sunday through yeah it would be Wednesday through Sunday usually wow yeah so

you get good quick oh yeah yeah you get really there was like a local open mic on tuesdays and then but like I was so used to because I just I quit college after I started doing stand-up because I was like oh this is what I wanted to and so I was ready to oh this respect I'm many years to throw away in college to sunny because this is a poll I there's a question I ask a lot of people I would say I threw away two years and then I played baseball for the first two years scholarship you could call it that you know don't disrespect that I didn't mean no throw it away what I mean was I think what I mean was finding ourselves oh yeah you know I'm a I'm a big debater on and now I have a daughter and I'm still thinking about it

if they want it the first year of college take off go get a job yes learn to what the outside world is learn a little bit and then go to college and now you have more of an idea it's like i tell people that are doing stand-ups and then they get into a movie yeah you know when people do a movie they're excited for the first three days fuck i'm eating like a king after the 10th week the 14-hour days you're like i can't wait to get back on the road and make 600 dollars yes and do whatever i want when i do whatever i want to fuck how hold my time you know it takes somebody to be you know the grass is always fucking greener when you're in uh clark tennessee on a one night if a creative yeah and you're like my life has to change

Yeah. And then you come back in, you book a TV show for three weeks. You're like, wow, I'm on TV. Fuck, Clark, Tennessee. You can never do that. You can't do that. It's so weird how even now, like when I'm a little bored with stand-up, like this year I got a movie.

I was a little burnt out at the time. I'm not going to lie to you. Well, you at the end of a run, period, is different than you at the beginning of a run. Just think of the flight to the gig on Wednesday or Thursday. And then that flight home Saturday, Sunday morning, just how you feel at the end. And, like, that's how. Well, we'll jump at a gun here. How about the drive on Tuesday night to get there on Wednesday?

But you know what I made. And then the drive on Sunday at 9 o'clock with your car pack when the club gives you that last cheeseburger that you've been eating the same cheeseburger since Wednesday. Because it's consistent. It's consistent. And they give you one to go at nights. You wake up in the middle of the night eating that fucking cheeseburger. Oh, man. You know, that, that, I don't know.

But do you think, at that, I think, and I got those, we were talking earlier before, like certain gifts that you at the time, you're like, man, this is devastating. But like five years into the future, like, you see something like that coming and then you get out of the way. You're like, oh, that's why, oh, I'm so glad that hit me when I didn't have anything. That kind of stuff. Right, right, right. So like I remember this guy I started with who I still is one of the funniest people I know, but doesn't, he hated everything I loved about the road immediately. Like being away from home, being in shitty hotels, seeing a new shitty town, like meeting terrible people.

I loved every second of it. And then getting on stage was like a fucking, oh, and we get to do stand-up. He hated every part of it. And then he had a regular job by the end of the year because he was like, this is not. And he's still doing stand-up today? No. No. No, it just wasn't for...

He recognized that early. Like, this is what this is for a long time. And I hate all this stuff. Okay, you get into stand-up. Yeah. You get into plumbing. You get into construction. You get into whatever.

You're part of a union. You work in a daytime, and three nights a week you go for classes. And all of a sudden, three years in, you meet a fucking girl. Yep. And you spit out a fucking kid. And now your life has... has to change at different points. You have to start sacrificing a little bit.

That flag football league you went on Saturdays, that's out the window. You go to Lee's house to watch football on Sunday, that's done. You know, there's all these things that get eliminated, you know? With comedy, it's so weird how, even for me, I tell this to people all the time.

One minute, it's 6.15, and I'm sitting across the table staring at my six-year-old same prayers before breakfast knowing that two hours later I'm going to go to the store and talk about Nancy Pelosi's titties. Yeah, yeah, it is.

Do you know what I'm saying? It's such a distinct difference. I don't know what the fuck originally we were talking about. That weeds a lot stronger. When his friend didn't like the... Didn't like comedy. But it is the same thing as like

some people don't... I've told me before. When I started in Denver, I learned there was... There was 50 guys. The comedy scene was great. Roseanne Barr had just come out of that. Yeah.

So the comedy scene... Still great in Denver. It's still great in Denver. There were comics that went on the road. There were comics that had aspirations of TV. And I could name you three comics right now that decided the road wasn't for them. They had accepted that. Yeah.

They had kids. They had wives that didn't believe in sleeping in a sleazy hotel or paying their dues. and they wrote a lot. They became good writers. It forces you to do different things. Yes, it does. It's a different thing. It's me cutting off your left arm.

You can't go on the road. Cutting off your left arm. How are you going to make it through life now? And this guy ended up being like a headliner, a Denver headliner. And at that time, Denver had four clubs. Colorado Springs had four clubs. One club.

That's five clubs. That's five clubs. That's ten weeks of work right there. that's at $15,000, $15,000, whatever. He would do all the one-nighters in the area. He would do New Year's at a local bar. And whatever I'd see him, I'd give him a hug, and he was fucking happy as shit. Yeah.

And I used to look at him at that time and go, between us, what a loser. No, he knew. But he wasn't a loser. No. I respected him because he knew what he was going to become. This is what I don't like about this. and I'm not doing it. Yeah.

I'm not doing it. It's freedom. It's a freedom. I'm not doing it. But how is, if this is really your dream to paint and you don't like going to the 10th floor of a warehouse, you have to figure out how to paint. Yeah, exactly.

Okay, you have to figure out how to do what you're doing and become successful and make a living. I've said this once, and I've said this 10,000 times, and I'll stand behind it. There's 50 guys scattered in each state. How many states we got? 52. We've got 50 right now.

53 was over change. It's fluid, I think. 54 with Mexico. You know what I'm saying? Yes. 52. There's 52 comics that are funnier than 10 people that go to the comic store right now. Oh, without a doubt.

That are stuck in their situation. They're scared. They're married with kids. but they could outright, outperform, out dance, out fucking do anything, my fucking fat ass, and have to fucking commerce in LA. Here's what though, here's the question I have when I've done this too. I agree with you, but there is, it's that extra thing that makes you go to the comedy store or makes you move your family out and live in the valley while you go do this and then find

other avenues to make money being creative, that those guys are like, I like knowing that I'm this good, but that extra thing that they can't go on the road if it pops. Do you know what I mean? Or they're scared if it pops. Because what if a lot of people know who I am?

That's a scary one for me for a while, was people knowing who I am, and then what if they come see me and I'm not funny? I got over it, you know, once you see how much money you can make, you're like, oh, that's even, better but that's i just think that it's okay i look at it through the eyes the lens of like a baseball player like i saw i got to a certain point that i was like oh this is what it needs to be done to be

a professional and play at the thing i thought i want i have no fucking interest in that was it that was mentally devastating for me i didn't realize it at the time but it was just something it was very obvious like oh i don't want to do this anymore this is not what i thought it was but i can still exist in a certain level that's respectable on baseball but i it wasn't that i couldn't or i didn't want to go do this that this made me happy it was like oh i don't have the mental capacity when you play baseball you honestly thought that what is this what we're talking about i'm confused yeah i i well the question i have is like at a certain point it seems like

because I know for me my goal for a lot of my life was just money yeah you know that I mean for the people who are stuck and for the people who like you got to a place where like I don't want to do I don't want to deal with the bus rides to the baseball games I don't want to deal with with the 10 hour workouts

or whatever it was that made you not want to do it it's not that like is it that is it weird to like make what you love into a business at a certain point like no I don't think like to like no I think if I think looking back on it if I could skip some steps there's a point you get to a professional level where it's probably like relaxing that it's in a baseball level where you're just like well I'm a whatever and it's this performance so there's only so much I can you know you're a commodity so when you quit college

you pretty basically quit baseball no I quit baseball before I quit college okay so when you quit baseball how did you feel relief or were you in the back of your mind did you see yourself playing for the Yankees did you see yourself on the mound last night against the fucking I always okay to a point

yeah how did it feel when you said I'm done did you feel I knew it needed to be done like when I went to the bigger school I knew people on the team that asked me if I was interested in coming to like try out

or whatever and like I was like you know there was like a day where I was like hi and then I was like no I don't I don't I want to see what all this other stuff is about because the thing looking back the thing I hated the most about it was it's every day I had to play baseball every day of all year and I grew up playing every sport whatever was in season and also like my mom's an English teacher my dad's a history teacher and a football coach so I have like this academic side too that was fucking pounded into me. So I have all these other interests, and I was like, ah, this just doesn't see.

And people are on steroids. So I was like, no, this isn't the thing. I thought. No, was the comedy bug alive in you at this point? I mean, as an interest, yeah, but not as a performer. You haven't got up yet. No, I was just fun at parties. Okay.

Do you know what I mean? Like, I had to, like, be funny. I was funny. What was the final push before you got on stage? This girl I was dating, said why don't you try it because i always watched it like i always was kind of obsessive about like funny stuff i like those days who were you watching as a comic who do you remember i remember this is like a thrill of mine was like i worked in the computer part of the campus that was my

on campus job i was just someone that installed them because i knew shapes you know you just plug in shapes so none of the software shit i was doing but they're like he's strong and no shapes but then they this guy that knew the computers taught me Napster, and I found Headberg. Because I went straight, everybody else was like music, and I went straight to stand up now that I look back at it. That's like the first thing I did.

And I never heard of him, but he was like very popular on the underground thing. And I was like, I started listening to him as that first one from the laugh stop. And I was like, this is, he was my secret for a while. He was like,

this is some of the funniest shit I'd ever heard. And then like, Mr. Show, I was like, I was really into that at the time. and I like Gaff again in the tail and I love Greg Drago. So when I got to meet some of these people later, it was like, I couldn't. I played it real cool with both of Mitch and Greg. I got to hang with them.

But it was like, well, they didn't let me down either. They were just like real ass dudes. And that's probably why I dug them so much, looking back on it. But that's who I was into. I mean, Bill Hicks when I first started comedy, I didn't know who he, was, if I'm being honest, until you meet other Bopamikers who are like, have you heard this dude? You're like, huh, that's great.

And then she pursued, she... She told me, she was like, just go try it. Where'd you go? Zanis. No shit. I was in Bowling Green, Kentucky, and Zanies was the closest thing I knew of a stand-up club. They had a night in Bowling Green, like once a month.

I remember I found out Tom Sobel for the Louisville booked it. You know, I found out later what all of it was, but before you're just like there's a thing they do kind of and i never went there sober enough to really before i was interested in it to understand what it was it was like some dude talking in the other room while we there was a shot special so yeah that's what was it quick so you got up at zanis for the first time yeah he had to call the lady was mean that I called. She was like,

I remember she said cunt in the phone call. I remember being like, this is different. I was like any other business you called if they said con or anything like that. I'll just remember like, this is cool. So you had to bring four people.

But they had a line up with like 15 people. Everybody got four or five minutes. And they all brought four people. So it was like once a week. It was packed. To an open mic? Yeah. Wow.

It was packed. But the guy that went on before me was fucking dick. It was so bad. And I just, spoke in front of people enough through like church and baseball and all that stuff that I was like I can talk and then I got a laugh and I think the audience was like this guy's like he gets what this is so there was like that relief and I did

all right I mean some of it didn't go the way I wanted it to but overall I was like I remember being relieved on stage that I had found what I was gonna do with my life like that moment Like consciously really. Isn't the weirdest fucking insane? I mean, I'm 38 now. When you're on like the 10th step, you're like, that's it. I still remember 1991 walking up the hill at Little Hill at Comedy Works.

Because I got on stage of Comedy Works the first time. We're both spoiled. This is the pinnacles. I was roofing. I was going to estimate the school. I was thinking of going back to college and trying to get finished my degree. like in Fort Collins But lost

And everything Went down the tube Right after that I walked up The comedy club owner Said that I have good stage presence To keep coming back And after the show wrapped

They said stick around And people were talking to you And I'm like wait a second This is the first time People have talked to me About anything except cocaine You know in prison And shit like this

Yeah Like, every conversation I've had is always a negative one. This is like the first time. Like, people, like, we have to come back, you know, and all this shit. I remember just driving home sitting next to my wife at the time going, like, this is never going. Oh, yeah. Like, this is a fucking fantasy. This is never going to happen.

Because you were, it was so, you felt so good. And that was so fucking foreign, too, probably at that moment. Listen, guys, right now you're in college. You're working in the desk office one night. One night you take your guitar and you go down to fucking Julio's Bar. You get three beers and you go up there and you do a rendition of fucking Joan Baez. And you fall in love with it, but you got a wife and a kid. And you got insurance for the family.

And now you've got to go back to your fucking desk and add numbers and call white people and tell them why they should buy your sanitation products. Whatever the fuck you do for a living. Yeah. And now you have this passion side of you. It's a horrible. feeling it was like a horrible and oh that night i got a gig i couldn't i mean which which which which really right there the next night was like are you busy tomorrow night can you do the denver bronco

training camp facility tomorrow night and greeley and i'm like are you fucking serious so you got to meet the broncos there the shitty ones okay i mean that's still like a training squad that's a crazy reward of me and and there was like a headline of somebody else i just wanted to end of like three minutes I didn't know what I was doing and I remember driving on going oh my god they gave me five hours for gas it's a win I was like oh my god but how am I gonna get out of this how the fuck am I gonna because I had already worked at the comedy club before I got on stage I didn't have the balls to go on stage or a comedy club for like five or six months so I asked a lot of questions yeah and everybody told me about the road and you started a hundred and

$150 a week. $150 a week is $600 a month, I think. And that's... Yeah. And you're driving. There's no helicopter service to get you to where you're going. So all these things, how did you feel? Well, you weren't married or anything at the time.

Well, that's the thing. Like, I was at that age where I was like, oh, I could, I went and I had to figure out how to quit school, I think. That was the thing right after that to tell my parents, but they figured it out pretty quick. And then I was a good enough student and it wasn't that, you know what I mean. That wasn't the issue. And they were, looking back, they were just good like, yeah, you're wasting fucking money. Just like kind of getting drunk and doing fine in school. And I was like, that's a good point. But then,

because of baseball or whatever discipline, I had that same mentality where I was like, oh, I went and worked at a restaurant for a month and just saved that money, live my parents. for like a month and a half. That's his, the plan was three months, but I could only do a month and a half back home. I was like, and I just took all that money and lived on this dude's couch

for eight months and got a serving job and was just at Zanis or at any comedy thing I could be at in Chattanooga or anything for the next, well, now. That's pretty much what I started doing. You know, then I got married when I was far enough in

when I got married the first time. who ends up in Seattle. Well, Ralphie came through, I was working at Zanies. And his feature at the time was not good at comedy. And the dude, I was hosting at Zanies.

I was supposed to do 10 to 15 minutes depending on the who of the act was. So I did 10 because Ralphie's verbose. And I came off, and then me and Ralphie are just talking. And the dude that was featured, just came walking out, walking back into the green room. Seven minutes after I introduced it.

And now he's like, what are you doing? He was like, oh, I'm done. So I just like ran out there and I was like, Ralphie's like, give me a minute. And so I like stalled him to do the announcements or whatever. And then brought out Ralphie. And Ralphie does his thing. It came back and then just like berated that dude.

He was like, what? You're supposed to do at least 20, 25 minutes. He was like, why'd you come on? He was like, I wasn't doing good. And I remember being, like, I was in comedy just long enough until I was like, you can't do that. You can't, you just got to like sit in it for the next fucking, till you get that light, man.

That's how that works. He was like, I was just going bad, so I was like, got off the stage. And I just remember thinking like, that's a crazy thing to just say. Even now, if I'm being honest, it is crazy to hear. Never walked off. I never knew you could. Never knew it was an option. I was just like, oh, it's not going good.

This is going to hurt. Okay, good night. You can't know. No, I never knew. You're like, I have to get paid, so you guys have to be mad at me for the next 15 minutes while I just try to talk. He's left. Wow. And then I made it rougher for him the rest of the week because I was young and mean.

You know, you don't know your job more than you are competitive. So I was like, I just smelled blood, and I was like, I'm going to make it real hard for this, dude. And Ralphie thought that was funny that I was doing that. And then we got along just because he's a poor kid from Arkansas. I was a poor kid from East Tennessee. He was way poorer than, he grew up way poorer than I did. But same kind of outlook about like, what are these, all these, none of these people leave. What's happening?

Let's go. He was like, right? We lived on I-40. We lived on the same interstate, just different parts. It was like, we can get out of here. It's fucking great. So we got along on that level and then we smoked weed a bunch. And he asked me to come to Chattanooga in a couple weeks.

My sister lived near that place, so I just stayed with them. And then I made it rough for that dude again. And I was doing on purpose. Who's the dude? Is he around? No, no, I'm not embarrassing, but. I do. I remember his name.

Okay. Is he still around? I don't know if he does stand up. But he might, you know, it might be one of those things where he's like he's doing corporate shit. You just don't know he's making money and then you out him. Somebody hears it too. It's like, I doubt he's doing corporate. Yeah, I don't want to have nobody.

Yeah, he's, I liked him as a person. He just wasn't good at stand up. Listen, man, you know, I tell this to a lot of people. When you're doing comedy two, three, four years, you're in a danger zone. Yeah. Because that's the first time people see. You don't want nobody to say? Nobody.

You don't want nobody to say. see you want to hide like a motherfucker you're going to do the creepiest gigs so when you're ready for that four-year gig you're ready yes but anybody who sees you before the first four years that's all they remember for five years I was that that was what I was told for five years that's what people are going to remember me for five if you work like if you're banging them out and fucking it's four years you feel it because I know I didn't like like I started to feel it like I had done it two years spinning my wheels. And then three years where I ate, slept, and drank it.

And shit it. That was it. There's no other option to get good at. Right. Well, after like two years of spinning or three years of spinning your wheels, the worst thing is to see somebody jump over. Oh, yeah. Frog over.

Yeah. That's it. And it always happens. Yeah, it always happens. Two or three people that you were doing open mics with. Now they're regulars at the comedy store. And you're like, how the fuck good?

Wow. Whoa. Okay. This is what needs to be done. Happens your whole career too. Yeah. Yeah. Now, but see, that's where those guys that didn't want to go on the road. Everybody has different phobias. I was taught my style of Connolly was taught you had to go on the road. Had to go on the road and there was a road system. Yes. There was an A room, a B room, a C room, and fucking you're in hell room. You need some work. And for the first two or three years, you're just in hell room or in sea room.

That's it. You really don't want to go out of that. Every once in a while, a friend of years to throw you into an A room, just to pull yourself out of the water to make sure the island's still there. But you're going to push yourself down. It is good to know what you're working on. What you're working on. Yes. That was huge for me.

And because of, thank God my work ethic, that helped me to be at Zanis. also seeing this was huge for me looking back seeing different acts that i necessarily wouldn't give a shit about selling out and you were doing 28 shows a month so no he did a good job of being like some months would be two weeks okay some months three some months one do you know what seven sets oh it was wednesday thursday friday wednesday two two saturday and one sunday no no Three Saturday. Three Saturday. Yes.

I learned that's the three Saturday. That's the accelerated program. Oh, it was my friends, when I go back to open mic, would be like, this isn't fair. And I'm like, no, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's an Accelerate. At the MC week, I tell people all the time, an MC week, like, once you get into the MC process, especially

here, now, I. They want to skip it. It's the dumbest thing. And then it's not going to work for you. No. It's not going to work for you. How, someone told this may have been tossed. You do, you do, you do 10 guests.

sets at those improvs. You got one, two, three, four of an oxenade. All right, you do guest sets. On a Thursday, somebody talking. You know, when you wake up on a Monday, the first thing you should do is look at the improv sheets. Yeah. And see who's doing shows.

And see who's producing shows. And reach out and go, I want to do five fucking minutes. And then you do the five. Then somebody else does, produces a show. Then you do five again. Then the club manager, come up to you and go, hey, man. have you ever thought of them seeing you?

It's... Yeah. Okay, call Rita on Monday. And next, you know, Reader gives you to run around for about three months, which, you know, that's her job. And then, boom, all of a sudden somebody falls, David Spade falls out and the whole team falls out. Yeah. So there you are. You're available.

And you host and us, he says, what are you doing next week? I got a spot in Ontario. And boom! And you're going, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. and now that you get into the rotation of those NC spots and you hate it. You do it until you hate it. You know,

I'm, let me give a free glass. It's, you know, it sucks. But all those pauses and all those going away from comedy and going back to comedy, that's an education.

Oh my God. That's an education that you don't get an open mics at all. Brian Dorfman looked me in the out of the owners and he said this, I remember it's like the second day where I was like, because the first time he doesn't, he's very smart. Just once you go out and do your thing and he's watching. The second day, he's like, all right,

your job is to get these announcements right, get these guys' credits right, and tell them how much this stuff is. And if you're funny, that's fucking cool. I don't give a fuck. And I was like, okay, I just remember laughing because I was like, cool, I like him, then I get what this gig is. Like, all I have to do is these things,

and the rest he doesn't care what I'm doing. But other people heard that as like, What the fuck is this? I'm a comedian. I was like, no, no, no, no, that's cool. He just told me what I had to do. And the rest, he said he didn't give a shit. And I think he recognized that.

Looking back, like, he was giving people tests that I saw other friends of mine just failed miserably. He'll be like, oh, he's giving you this leeway to see what you're going to do, and you fail. That's why it's not. I just, like, I was thankful now that I had someone like that early on. because like other friends of mine were just, they didn't know what they were getting into.

Because it was like an endurance test. It was like fucking special forces shit, where it's like not what you're doing, the task. And see if you can mentally get through this horse shit. Because that's all this whole business is, this mental horseship. Giving you these, and the people that he made quit or whatever,

didn't even realize he's making them quit. He gave them gifts too. He was like, you're going to waste your time doing this. So I just think those things are really, like, that's why I couldn't just be someone in the middle of the country. Do you know what I mean? When you, how long did you stay in Seattle for? Three years too long. How was that comedy scene at the time?

That really sparked you. It was great. It was that. That's a good comedy scene. What you were talking about earlier where you're like, we just knew the road. That's all we knew. That's all I knew at the time. By the time I got up there, that's all I knew.

So when I got there, I saw these guys like, because there was a pipeline to L.A. That I didn't know exist. Right. That's the pipeline to L.A. And I was like, oh, these guys are like jumping down in this way. I didn't know you could do. But I also recognized when I got up there,

there were different rooms. That was the thing the road did give me that gift where I'm like, oh, these are just, there's a ton of different rooms where a lot of guys if they would stay in their room. or their type of room. And I was like, no, there's a dunk.

You can do your act in different rooms. It's great. There's a bunch of like casinos up here. There's rock rooms down here. There's college gigs. There's corporate gigs.

Great clubs in the city. You know what I mean? You were there with giggles? Giggles was, it came and went, which I think is like it goes. The Mormon guy that owned it. And he gave it up.

Yeah. Yeah, he gave it up. He gave it up. And then the underground and they burned down or some shit. The old underground,

I was there for, the very first, like the first year I was there, the underground existed where it was, where you were there. Right. And then they had to retrofit that building, so they moved it over to that heroin square. The Ponder Spineers.

That's where it is now. Yeah. Yeah, it's just people go pick up smack there. It's not even, I'm not speaking out of places. No, no, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much weather. We were just to sit out and smoke cigarettes.

There used to be a bar down the block from the underground. If you walked out of the underground, You walked on that block, and there's not that little strip mall. Right there was Josh Wolf's bar. It was a Mexican bar called Lobo Loco. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. It's like build up, but that's, yeah.

If you walked outside the economy underground and you looked to the corner, that was a club owned by heart. The band? Yes, a girl from Seattle. Okay. And they rehearsed there. And some nights you'd walk out in here, you know, crazy for you. You're like, what the fuck?

And years later, I was listening to a radio thing. And that's why Chris Cornell was tight with heart. No shit. Yeah, they were all from that fucking little area there. Okay. How great. I mean, it makes sense, too, that they were all on drugs. You know, I think the comedy store, but the place where I cut my teeth.

I mean, I learned a lot about life there, too. Oh, my God, that I cut my teeth there. You know, and I was telling Lee that there's these people that open up these open-mic places. in LA and they charge you five bucks you go in there you do five minutes to do five minutes yeah and it's run by a guy that has no know a tough way to make money that's a run by a guy that has no knowledge of comedy no knowledge of basically anything he just he's a business man and I immediately thought of Carl Wormonhoven car Wormonhoven was the manager on Monday and asked for the open mic and you remember what I know Carl yeah he's still kicking and Carl you'd walk off

the stage and he'd be on the phone like yes show started eight yeah must be here 15 minutes before show time please bring valid ID and he'd look at you and go like this with his finger and then he'd hang up the phone and go come here put this here put this here get rid of that that's terrible and you're like but like get rid of it like he was honest with you and right and to the tea to the To the T. If everybody had that coming up from that five to seven year mark, again, your ego has to be right to accept that. Yes. A lot of people go, fuck you. That's my favorite joke. What are you done with your life? There's people like Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson was the worst basketball player ever seen in my life, but he won six championships.

There's certain people like Mitsy Shaw, certain people, there's certain people that can come up to you and go, this, get rid of it. this put it here this put it here make this your opener you want that and you're sitting there going holy fuck yeah

why are you opening up with this they're noticing this already what they're gonna notice you don't need to open we put this in third and then talk about it he just gave you the equation

and he didn't have no paper no emotion no emotion and he was just dropping on you and you'd walk up the stairs and while you were walking up you're like but then you knew you were

coming back on Tuesday. Yeah. So now you went up there, did it, and he goes, ah, okay, now at the end of this, add this tag right there. And you go, I remember I used to have a joke that, like, you know, this is four-year comedy jokes. You went to my grandmother's house. There was a picture of Kennedy with an X-Ru-it.

And my grandma only knew three words in English, fuck together. No, it started out with something else. And he grabbed me when that, he goes, hey, You just say, fuck the Kennedy's on that joke or something. He goes, next time you go up on stage, I want you to say it. I forget what the joke was. Yeah.

Say this, eliminate this, but say fuck the Kennedy's dog. It was killing. That joke killed. I got to LA. And he just, I got to get rid of it because it was like a year old. But he just put, I had another joke about a tampon. The string, you know, when you see a girl with a string. and I used to say you don't know whether

pull it or light it and then I had another joke that he gave me that was about AIDS ribbons that people walk around with AIDS you ever see somebody who got VD walk around with a fucking pen something that's pretty yeah just it was

just he would always take you he taught me to take a joke from here to here it's a joke but he also was really he and I got along because we hated overusing words right He taught me the efficiency of words. Yes, he and I were always cutting words.

He was a problem. He was like, he said that. I'm like, oh, I know it may. He'd say to me right up the bat. What's with the sales pitch? That's it. Get rid of it. Get rid of that minute.

Set up. Get to the funny and more funny. And then I discovered that because I was trying to be a joke. Yeah. And then when then I went to that. If someone tells you how much the monologue router on the tonight show makes me. I can do that. I used to date that.

girl that was crazy i still love her we still talk from time to time she was crazy he was just a stripper i adore it daily today because she got me to laa well there is those type we need those type of women when you're doing that type of level it's the part of the journey yes it is because they're teaching you about what's going to happen too yes it's the journey that's this is what i tell people about the journey the journey is everything it includes women houses people's houses that you sleep at. Just a couple things popped in my head. Popped in my head a long time.

And they're special. They're called angels. Yes. If you look them up on Facebook, you'll not find them. If you look them up on Google, you'll not find them. They're missing. They're angels. That's a good point.

Yeah. That were there to help you get from point A to point B because you were putting so much happening to your comedy. This is how the universe took care of you. Yeah. By putting that person, that situation, that car ride, that couch. Oh, yeah. What do you mean you leave in Monday?

I got a room that pays $300 on Tuesday night. That light court battle? So you understand how that that's going to work later. We're like, oh, you need to pay someone because this could be it. Just those, yes, all those things. It's a very special call is one of the people. We still talk to like Josh Wolf. Yeah.

Like, I still talk to Carl through Josh Wolf when he goes up there. I know they go to lunch and stuff, but I thank him. Like, that's what I would want to open. Once I retire and shit, I'd love to open up a coffee shop. With comics, did comedy, and I sat in the back. And I just told you one time. Like, that's what I loved about Carl. Well, that's all you need.

Carl just told him. No, no, no. Carl used to tell me this fucking bum. Like, Carl was the king of that. This guy bombs every night because he won't listen to him. Okay. Don't listen to me. You're meanwhile, because at the comedy underground, you've got to start number one. Yes.

And then you move up the list, the funny you get. And he goes, he was number three when you got here. Now you're number nine on the list, and he's still number two. He don't want to listen to me. The only way I would do it is if you listen to me to the T, if not take your fucking stupid ass somewhere else because I don't need you. Because you're not wasting. You're wasting my time.

But most importantly, you're wasting your own time. Yeah. Because you're not even on an ego part yet where you can accept what the fuck we're telling you. You're too stupid. So I don't want those people. We couldn't tell you how to fix it because you don't even know what you're doing. Yes. Yes.

So it's kind of weird how me, Josh, even Brody, he was kind of coaching. Yeah. He was coaching Brody to be crazier. Like, Joe, Brody, you got to be big. I remember him telling Brody that one night that you got to be bigger with that joke. the Joker's not going to work unless it's bigger. Well, if he does it quiet. Right, that's what it was.

People are worried about him. Right. It's not funny. I mean, you're always going to be a little worried about him, but like if he's doing it quiet, you're like, ah, that's not, it's like, have you seen Joker? No. I'll never see it again, but it's great.

It's a, it's going to describe it. It's great. It was uncomfortable most of the movie, and it's great. That's why it's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. That mother, now, now Homeboy needs, I hope he's got a team of therapists.

Because you can't go to somewhere he saw, he went without bad stuff happening to you when you were in your life, the way he went to some places. We were just like, oh, it's bad. It's, as an artist, it's like, it's just like. We know there's some people that, listen, when you watch modern family. Yeah. Or any other show on television. You're watching scrubs. Yeah.

Jennifer Addiston was said the best actors in this town. I went there in theater, a little theater that there is in this fucking town, which kind of blows to them, not disrespecting anybody. But when you go to these acting classes and shit, when I went down, like, I always play myself.

Oh, yeah. I'm not an actor. I'm playing myself. I got the soprano movie coming out. I can act sad when I'm, yeah, yeah. I'm playing myself. I can never be the penguin. No.

I can never be. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yes, that's, yes. But there's people out there that that's the gift of acting, I realize. The guy that played the brother and the fighter. Yeah. It's always a cracket.

He's Topps in my book. The black guy from Lawrence, whatever his name is, Lawrence Fishburn. Yeah. Topps. Go watch him in. What's Ghost Dog? Two movies. What's that?

Lawrence, what's his name? The guy, have you ever seen Ghost Dog? Oh, God. You've never seen Ghost Dog? Who was in it? Oh, and if I say how I know, it's Forst Whitaker. It's Jim Jarmouche. He's like a samurai and hit by Queens or something like that.

Well, yeah, yeah, he's another good actor. There's really actors out there. You got to watch Ghost Talk. You know, I'm watching. There's real actors out there. Then there's these guys that just, they just think they're actors. They'll talk to you about all this Stanislausky shit. but they're not acting.

I could talk all this stuff that's loushy shit you want all fucking day. Doesn't make me a fucking actor. No. When you're around an actor, a real actor, and they see out cut,

and your whole body goes, what the fuck was that? That's a real actor. And when you're shooting 10 feet from him, like they made you step out from the scene. Okay, you're not in this scene. Just one minute, you're not in this scene. The camera's not going to cover you,

so step out. And you see the guy, do and you're like holy fuck that's acting that happens very rarely with me when you're just like next to somebody and you're like oh well there's not many people like that is what you're saying no there's not many people Brad Pitt in the baseball movie is brilliant yeah he's fucking brilliant I went to see whatever that fucking malicious maleficent with my daughter and my wife last week where she's playing herself Angelina Jolie yeah Which is a witch?

Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. But you have to remember that. Well, I was watching her. I'm like, no, I know why she gets $20 million a movie. Oh, God, yeah. Okay, when I watch Foco and Scientology, Captain Scientology. Tom Cruise?

Tom Cruise. Without a doubt. He's worth every painting. I love him with all my heart, first of all. I love Tom Cruise with all my heart. Yes. Do not even think about it. Watch Collateral or watch Vanilla Sky.

Whatever. What is it? With another sky. With another sky. It's awesome. Collateral is one of my favorite. Collateral. And the Jap Bar,

and he shoots and he gets into a military position to start shooting, and he shoots the guy in the heart. I love him and all that. There's just certain people that you watch and go. Topic thunder when he comes in a game. You know, like that's one movie I don't like? You don't like that movie? No, turned it off.

You don't like some of the tropes are pretty funny in it, though. Like McCona Hayes. He's art is fun. He believes there's some movies that just disrespect my. What did you not like about? Now I'm fast. First ten minutes. Just didn't.

Yeah. You want to say another movie that you'll never hear me talk about? Yeah. Everybody else lying with the dude. Oh, Lobowski? You know what? I'm indifferent about that movie. I'm very indifferent.

Ten minutes I had to turn it off. I just didn't buy. There's a lot of stuff I don't buy. I don't know why. I don't buy it. I watched it, but I was like, I still don't care. But then I like the star is born with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga.

I'm one of those assholes. I might not like something for the weirdest reason. There's just something about it. If the movie's too popular and 10 people who I think are assholes come up to me and tell me how good the movie is, I won't go watch the movie out of spite. I'll do that with music. Just out of spite.

And then years later, you're like, just out of spite. I seen, when I was a kid and tickets for $7, I used to, I had to send something to a, a person they had to video on me for a movie

and I had to figure out what to send them I didn't have a reel with me I didn't know what the fuck it was yeah I couldn't tap into the the thing

so I said I sent them one of Rari's things and I forgot which one I sent them fuck one of the amazing racist things no no

okay this is not happening oh okay this is not happening okay that's like early I was like holy shit that's a gamble

the movies you don't go see yeah the movies i don't go see like when i was a kid like there was too much i about santa that lie when i was when i was like 78 when it was a samurai night fever and all yeah papa didn't watch it there was too many goofy kids i didn't like watched it when i saw and i saw mr bell ha ha i'm supposed to laugh that wasn't it's so funny the last two weeks or something you know for some reason san die because on 830 at night now put it on for like minutes. I'm like, this is just

god awful, but this has been America's comedy. Yeah. For 20-something years, they gauge comedy from this. 45 years. You know, 45 years, whatever the fuck it is. And for me, it's never done nothing. Like, a lot

of things like the end of that I watch train planes and automobiles was on. The last 20 minutes, almost canceled my spot at the store. Yeah. Like, when that movie's on, it's an acting class for me. There's so many things that I enjoy that like I never went to see Avatar do you want me to tell you the reasoning yeah for 300 million dollars I can get a midget to shoot a fucking movie that's retarded and blind

if I give somebody 300 million dollars it's like me giving the Yankees 300 million dollars and tell them to go out and get pitching they're gonna be the best team in baseball 20 years ago when I was a kid people would always go to Yankees a paying off a world series when you watch a team like the nationals and you see a mixture of old guys with a mixture of new guys they put something special together. Yes. So I could either, you know... Or watch the A's play every year. Right. Yeah. When you

tell me, you know, oh, well, James Cavan's a genius. He made this tremendous movie. He also had $600 million. Okay? So what the fuck are you talking about? And the story is very simple. How can you fuck it up? I see your point. So because of that, I won't go watch a movie. I have different things for different,

you know, the question on everybody's mind the last week, and I'll Nancy is all right now is Joey. When are you going to the weed cafe? Listen to me and listen to me good. If there's 10 big black guys with 10 big dicks and me having to go into that weed cafe in Hollywood, I'll stand in the line and take the 10 big black dicks.

I've been smoking dope since I was 12. I mean, I don't need to go to that room. So of all you church people who have heard about this cafe and are interested in it, please stop listening. Because if I catch you in there, you're getting your stripes taken from you. You have to pay a cover. We're the church. We don't go to places to make believe we get high.

We get high. We get high to get high to get high. You don't have to go to a cafe in L.A. and sit around with other people. Oh, my God, this is so cool. I wouldn't, the kid who told me today, the guy who told me today, it came up to me at 915 when I was hitting the bag, at kickboxing today.

I went to kickboxing today. I was kicking the bag. And he's like, hey, man, have you been there? And when I looked at him and gave him my answer, he's like, you should have seen his face. Like, I'm thinking of call him and apologize. I didn't make sure. Because I dewinded everything he had because he's older.

He should know better. If a 20-year-old comes up to me and go, have you been to the weed cafe in Hollywood? I get it. You're a fucking moron. But if a 50-year-old kid comes up to me and says, have you been to the weed cafe? In Hollywood, I'll go, hey, get it together.

That's why I told him. He used to this thing to look at it. I feel terrible. I have to call him today. I got to get a number from a girl in kickboxing and call him and apologize. I don't go to those things. I'm fucking, I've been smoking those as I was 12.

What do I need to do a weak cafe to prove to you? There was a cool. There was a dab lounge for a while in this studio city or somewhere around there that they did shows in. It was cool because you go in this head shop and then there was like a bookshelf. and you pulled the bookshelf open and then there was a back hallway and there was like a club it was like a lot of like

the early I think like money people in dabs would go back there and then they'd throw you dabs and stuff it had it was like six months but they still do comedy up here no that place closed

yeah and there was a dispensary on violin that had comedy for a while but it uh I think I think was before the recreational stuff and they kept it open as long as they could but that place is gone Yeah.

I know you're doing really well. I know you signed one of my agents. Yeah, I like that. I know you with a dear friend of mine that's a manager. He's the best. What do you got going on? What have you been doing? Well, I've been doing stuff with the squid billies that show on Adult Swim.

I got to do a bunch of voices on that now. And then, which is just making fun of people I went to high school with or grew up around. Mostly grew up around more than I went to high school with. And then doing stand-up a lot. that's my bread and butter i like stand up so much you're too a lot i try to but you know i got two kids now so it's that thing of like one of the ages 10 i have a 10 year old and then a nine month old

uh it's their two boys they both look just like me it's great uh and i don't i mean i joke about the headache of it but i love every second of it and i think that that's and then i like you said like if I was younger in my career, it would be a problem. But I've just established enough I can make enough money if I want to and then do it the way I want to. My wife does well enough that we're okay financially.

So it's just I don't, I like to be gone, but I like to be at home, which is a new thing. Do you know what I mean? You know, it's weird how Led Zeppelin went out for a year. A whole year? They left. Oh, guns and roads. is all the big bands and the 70s you get put out there for a year and a half and that's great yeah

you know that's great I'm sure you put away a lot of money once you have the children you know I feel that it's either pay me now or pay me later situation if you don't give them the attention now someday when they're 16 it's gonna fucking start to haunt you because you were never there when you never four and five yeah you know I've said before I've adjusted my schedule for the house. I work six days of a year month. Yeah. I can't keep me in pork chops.

You know what I'm saying? I don't know what else will. Well, that's, it's just doing what you can. I'm around the house. I do a podcast with my daughter on Tuesdays. Tonight I'm in with a you know, no, tonight I'm playing New Jersey. You know, I try

to spend Sunday is the Lord's Day in my house. It's you got to eat dinner at six. I take it right back to the beginning. There's no restaurant. Home. Family. Home.

That's it. When we go fuck. Chick-fil-A-style. Papa don't want to work on Sunday night. Lately, I've been going to the store on Sunday nights, and I feel guilty, but it's such a great night to go down there because there's nobody down there. That's the best night here. You walk through the fucking halls, like there's nobody there.

There's no... It's so sad you even look for a friend. You can't find the ghost. Even the ghosts down there take off on Sunday. You know what I'm saying? So... That's the best day. That's my favorite day in a club Sunday.

When you're traveling on the road? I mean, I don't do them any because, like, it's a, you know, I want to get back. I try to take the earliest fly back to get back to my son. He's 10, you know, like, that's a day off from school. It's like. No. First flight, you're the fuck out of there. Oh, without a doubt.

But, like, I think back on, like, those are the best days, the Sunday nights at a club. When it's, you know, 40 people and you're fucking, you're not doing your act. You're doing a version of your act. Well, by Sunday nights in the old days. Yeah, that's what I'm talking. You don't want to do another joke after Saturdays. No. Especially if you had three shows.

By the third show, you're confused. You don't even know what joke you told. If you told it before, if you didn't say. People don't know what I'm talking about when I bring that up. You ever done three shows? What are you talking about? Horrible. You don't even know.

Horrible. If you got 30 minutes. And it's three fucking shows. And you get your opening for Rogan or Pablo or fucking Gabriel. And by the third show, you have no idea. You're up there going, did I say this already? And then you fuck it out.

Sometimes you do. Dog, I remember a couple times in Miami people. Like, you said that already. That's the worst place that could happen to. Oh, shit. And then Sunday you wake up. You're tired. Your girlfriend's on the phone.

I wish you were here. We're all going to go to the beach. And you're like, great. You mean four people. I'm in fuck hole, fuck hole. in a hotel. Oh, by the way, that great sandwich place across from the hotel is now closed on Sunday.

So now everything changes. You've been used to, and now you're tired. You've been there all week. And now instead of walking one block up the corner, you've got to walk for something you don't want to eat because it's the other thing that's fucking open. And then you're back in your room and it's one in the afternoon and it shows not until seven.

That's the worst. And there's no football, there's golf. You know, that's why Sunday's not. Like eight hours, seven, six hours. God, damn. Two thousand, one, I was already like, Joe Roggan, we can't work Sunday. What are you talking about? It's painful.

You can't do it. I'm not doing it. It just doesn't seem right. Little by little, I went away with him. One day I go, Joe, I'm not doing it. You have to. I'm not doing it. I'm coming home Sunday.

Let Ari stay with you. And we had tons of disagreements until I ain't, nobody works Sundays on my book. And if you do, God bless you. I don't have nothing against you. I just when you listen but again I decided this in 2001

I was also doing comedy 10 years yeah and for two years I'd follow a line dancing class on Sundays at fucking 8 o'clock in Denver I had earned my

or you walk in at four to get chicken strips because that's all you can eat and then the club is packed and you're like why the fuck is the club packed and they're like oh there's three guys from general hospital talking like what do they do

and like they just talk And it sold out. Like, yeah. It was just women's. That was the first thing where I was like, I don't feel like we've made a, I made a mistake here. There was a lot. Remember in those days, they used to, it was that fucking idiot, widget, whatever his fucking name is. Hatchet, scratch it.

Screech. Screech. Screech, yes. Screech. Screech and eight or nine soap opera guys. Yes. That were on the fucking college tour. That would either.

But everyone had terrible stories about. screech. He would come, like, and then we're like, oh, he can't work here anymore. You're like, damn,

that's so fast. Didn't he stab a guy? I think he's a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, in Wisconsin. Jesus. It's, it's interesting. You're the first guy I've ever heard

say that Sunday was a fun day for you. Like, the show is fun. Okay. Because it didn't matter. Then. It was like,

and then you got to do more time. You weren't, like, worried about not getting hired again. Right, okay. That's what I meant, like, from a stand-up perspective, if that makes sense. Like, he's right about every other part of it. But that as a stand-up, you were just like, this is fun. I'm going to try some stuff that I knew I couldn't do all week.

And then there's, like, four servers I've got to know kind of good that are here and where you've been drinking. So this is kind of fun. It was loose when it wasn't your show that last Sunday. Oh, my God, it was tremendous. You had to get through that day. Right. That day was a fucking, and that's what I decided.

I decided like 2002 in Dallas, it hit me. I was like Sundays and not May, I've worked enough Sundays. Well, people get fucked up with Addison. Then I started tickering around with it, and once the longest yard came out, I had enough clout to go, Papa don't work. That's awesome. And that was it. I don't think a lot of clubs do Sundays at all.

And if they do, it's like a. They do. They do them. greedy fucks. They're going to work a Sunday for no fucking reason to give away 40 tickets. That's what I don't understand. Wear out your fucking staff. Cut the fucking Sunday.

Cut it. Like if it's somebody drawing, yeah. And especially in cities like Denver, Kansas City, Miami, where it's football. You can't. During those 17 weeks close on Sunday. He can't. Because all I'm going to get is the reap of the bottom, the

bottom of the barrel. Boston? So, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you want to do a show Sunday night. After Red Sox are in the playoffs and the New England Patriots are home. Do you know what you're going to get? You're going to get the dregs of the fucking, of the sewers. Of Boston. To come to your fucking show.

Go home. Go to fuck home. It doesn't make any, I did a show on Halloween one time. Oh, yeah. Fuck, you know who's, it was in Slade's Club in Beaumont. Okay. And I remember being like, dude, he was like, I think. thought more people would show up and I was like people never come this is the dumbest day

in the world I just I didn't think we do a show when I agreed to this Halloween is next Thursday you won't see me I'm gonna go out Tuesday I think and maybe Saturday next week Wednesday and Thursday next week a dead it's devil's night Thursday night yeah and it's all Saints day on fucking Friday Saturday every phone Sol's day and then all Saints day on the second yeah Saturday will be fun Saturday will be fun. But most Halloween parties are this weekend. Oh, this weekend?

See, I've never been a dress-up. Me neither. I want to dress up again. I'd rather get fucked by the 10 black dudes than... If I want to be someone else, I'll just be someone else for the day. I don't understand that. I think I stopped dressing. I think after like nine, I just put a towel on.

Yeah, you're just like, this is a candy thing. Yeah, this I see what this is. When I was 19, I dressed up like an abortion. That's pretty funny. But I had a Quayloon passed out, and I fucking never got to. of the thing and that was it I never dressed up again I don't like none of that shit you don't like quail lids I love quailets

do you think there's something still around someone's bringing this up the other day I'm sure that listen man I know a couple I know a chemist that said whatever gender they are I'm not gonna repeat it told me once that they can make cocaine if they wanted

it's just chemical properties yeah so if you went back and looked to see what was in a quailude, I'm sure somebody's making some concoction. Some very fun chemist, yeah. And if you want me to tell you the truth,

the truth is that the first time I did a hit an ecstasy, I thought it was somebody who was working on a quailute who made a mistake. Oh, really? Do you know what I'm saying? Like it was cousins to the quailude in a way. Ah. There was a...

Euphoric? Euphoric and soft. You know, don't drink too much on it because it might take you to a different level. You don't want to drink on it either, right? I don't know. I wasn't a big ecstasy guy. I think I did ecstasy maybe three times. I did the MDMA shit that you drink.

That fucked me up. Really? See, I've never, I missed a lot of those. That fucked me up. That was at the store one night. Pill, I never fucked with pills, and I think that I skipped a lot of those kind of. I fucked with pills when I first became an open micro. I liked it because I had sleep problem.

Ah. And now instead I use the animals See I was weed I was taught weed was so bad growing up And then when I tried it it like helped so much stuff Yeah, that I was like It does help Oh, this is great

So it helps so much stuff for me Weed keeps my powder dry Yeah That's what weed does for me It keeps my powder drop Before I stab a motherfucker I smoke a joint And I you know It's like when you ever call the girl at 4 in the morning

Not anymore. You met her at the club at two when she thought he was going to suck your dick. You keep calling. I have been in that situation. She's like, well, I'm going to come home, but I've been bringing my friend Lucy with me because I don't want nothing to happen.

You're like, hold on, let me call you back. And then you bang one out real good. And all of a sudden she calls back. She goes, okay, I'm around the corner. You're like, go fuck you some. Yes. Yes. You know what?

You just eliminated a thousand dilemmas by me banging one out and not worrying about you and your friend and now your friend's chubby. and she don't want to stay because she don't like you know you don't have hummus whatever yeah you have to keep her busy yeah that's it once they're going to bring a friend what are the chance of you breaking me away from your fucking friend zero unless you leave her a cheeseburger and you go in and say come here for a second i'm gonna try you my dick so it's like it's

it's those types of it's still too big of a gamble yeah it's still too big of a fucking gamble you're like you know what i don't want to do this shit no more that's like when they gave john mayor's shit because in Rolling Stone a couple years ago he was like yeah sometimes I go jerk off in the bathroom at like public places he's like it saves me a lot of trouble and they gave him shit for that I was like that's the smartest thing I've ever heard

like that's you should tell young boys that like when they're going into college be like hey just go into that stall and jerk off and treat it like you're taking a shit or something and then come out and then see if you still want to do that like how much that would save especially with phones analogies yeah yeah yeah oh god yeah yeah that's how mostly i watch porn is on my phone because i have kids and i just in my fucking room i've never watched porn on my phone really that's not

i watch a i don't come on it i just want to fucking send me a picture of something i'm all in you know so billy wayne it was a pleasure to fucking see yes it's a pleasure we both came from the same mentor yeah we did god rest his soul wherever he is and uh yeah i don't even know you lived in town. I had no fucking anything. I need to get them to the store more. Do you perform anywhere locally? Yeah, I do the improv.

I do. I do that the dynasty type of it. I heard that's great. It is a great little room, yes. There's no parking. That's the nightmare. Where's your website at? A bWD tour.com.

If you just Google Billy Wayne Davis, all that shit comes up. That's the easiest way. I've got Instagram, Twitter, all that. But all my dates are in BWD Tour. I'm going to Seattle next week. The parlor? No, that closed. They closed.

That's right. My friend Rick Taylor opened a little room on Capitol Hill called Club Comedy. It's great. It's an ex-O-Tai restaurant. It's fantastic. It'll be up there. It was fucking great to see. It's so good to see, man.

Looking at you, I'm seeing all the memories and last we had, all those you. I passed the, and I wanted to bring this up because, Ralphie, when I really made, We had met what we were talking about in Florida, but after I was getting my divorce and it was like very clear this was happening. Ralphie's like, I got to take you somewhere. I was in L.A. And we went to this all you can eat sushi place on Ventura. And you just laid down science is the only way I could describe it. Some of the stuff didn't happen.

But some of it happened in a way that I was like, I remember when it was happening, it made me laugh. Instead of like, you know, being like, oh, this sucks and it's sad. It was just like, oh yeah, Coco said this was going to happen. During your divorce. Yeah. Just that stuff, like you gave me this thing. Like, it was entertaining. And I remember where you were telling me some of it, I was like, no.

You know what I mean? Like a dummy where you're just like, you don't understand. And I've actually used that. The way I describe it is when you're getting a divorce, you're going to start having emotions you didn't know exist about things it will just blow your mind. so you just like you have to be aware that's happened that's gonna happen and you were just you gave me these though like beats about some things and about the human condition and about human nature

that when you're in your 20s you don't want to accept that's why you keep making some of those mistakes do you know what I mean and you just it made me like I was like oh I've been that well that was it too like there's just like there's like there's like there's smells you're gonna have And I was like, oh, I told you something that cut me through the soul. I tell everybody that, anything that cuts me, I pass it to people because I'm tough. And if it cut me, it's going to fuck you up. Yeah. When I tell you some, if it fucking cut me, it's going to fuck you up.

You know, like, and if it cut me at the age and the amount that it did after what I've gone through. and if you haven't gone to anything before that, this is going to fuck you up psychologically. At a point where you might become the Joker. Yeah. Because I was very close. I don't know what the Joker is about. I don't care.

I'm going to see it eventually. I know it's something to do with killing. And I was six months from becoming the Joker. And I've been in 10 different situations, and there's only one situation that took me to that place. Divorce. Yeah. It's fun.

Divorce will take you to that place. When somebody's going to a divorce, I read something years ago, the statistics of men hanging themselves and women. And this is something that's harder than a death of a family member at some times. And I tell people the number one rule, when I see a guy come over to me and he's married and he's talking to a girl and he's got, I go, before you go, fuck that chick, I want you. The smell of your kids with some other man's cologne on when you bend over to smell them. is going to break you like you've never been broken before. I could stand you up and kick you the nuts 10 times

and then say bend over and kiss your daughter. And when you smell that fucking buckle of a... Yeah. That whatever the fuck they have on and you straighten back up, your whole life changes. Like you're like, I blew it this bad that somebody else is being a parent to my child. Well, mine was different, but it prepared me for that.

It all has to. Because... And also it's that, just that illuminating, when I don't think human beings talk about it. It's like that sense of smell, how nostalgic it is, just like where it takes you instantly. And how people know about that. And they manipulate that all the time.

Like I was up in Eugene this past weekend, best weed in the world. My friend Mike grows the wheat up there. He was telling me the turpines. You know, that's all they talk about is the smell and the smell. He was mentioning it to his mom. He was talking about, she worked at Campbell's Soup. She was like, oh, we know all about turpines.

That's when we're making the V8 thing. We just, we put fake turpines in it so it tastes more like the fruit, but we use cheaper fruit. And I was like, you just crack, this shit cracks me up. It was like, oh, so we know, like, that's that. They're manipulating that all the time too. So we're fucked. You might as well enjoy it.

Enjoy it, you bad motherfuckers. do not forget November 7th at the Motor City Casino, I think there's like four tickets left. And I got the Omaha Funny Bone. Colleen, tell her. That's my girl. I'm the 8th and 9th. I'm at Funny Bone in Columbus and then Omaha.

Omaha. And then November 28th and 29th, the improv in Miami, the night after Thanksgiving. I'm not going to fry. Two shows Friday. through Saturday and Saturday late's already sold out. Don't come crying me with that Cuban shit that you didn't get tickets because the welfare check didn't get there.

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Listen, it's Halloween. You don't want to show up with your dick looking like the wolf, man. Okay? No, nobody, every woman wants to get dressed up with stockings and shit. Everybody's in the mood to suck dick and eat pussy. I'm sure every woman in America right now

is doing a little fucking douchey-dush with carrots or whatever the fuck they do. And you're sitting there, thinking that soap is going to work. No, you got to trim the whole fucking thing, okay? Uncle Joey's here to tell you, fucking this Halloween, keep the cobwebs out of your fucking cock area. Clean the fucking bumper stick before she sucks that tailpipe.

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Uncle Joey's telling you, this could cost you hundreds of fucking dollars. You understand me? I'm going to hook you up for five dollars. Go to four hymns. dot com slash joey again that's four hymns dot com slash joey i want to thank four hymns i want to thank manscape i want to thank my bookie i want to thank you motherfuckers for always being family i want to thank billy wayne i want to thank the christ killer for putting this whole thing together and i'll see you

motherfuckers next thursday in detroit and next friday and saturday and all behind not we'll see you Tuesday morning, tip-top, Magoo, ready to fucking go. I love you guys. Thank you, Billy Wayne. This is a pleasure. You, too, Christ, Killer. Have a great weekend. Stay black.

Bye. That's it.