The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #731 - Pablo Francisco

Episode Date: October 29, 2019

Pablo Francisco, a stand up comedian with many specials and appearances on "MADtv" and "The Tonight Show," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Athletic Greens - Get 20 free travel packs worth $79 when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/church MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

It's the last week of Soba October. I know it's been rough for a lot of people. Clear it, man. He does. Carbonacea. There you go, Soba, October. Greetings from Podcast, Phil. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Athletic Greens.

You go like Joey, what's the athletic greens? It's an awesome supplement that gives you big dick swinging energy. Listen, guys, if you're not starting your day, off of the blast of vitamins, you already went down to fucking tubes. Go back to bed. But if you want to feel tip-top, Magoo, let athletic greens do the dirty work. They got you covered in all five critical areas. Health, energy, immunity, gut health, and hormonal support. Who else takes care of you like that? Nobody, cock suckers. And right now, members of the church family got a special offer. Twenty free travel packs valued at 79.

$10 with your first purchase. Do me a favor. Jump over to athletic greens.com slash church and get your travel packs. Today, that's athletic greens.com slash church. And before you do this, watch the movie Changing the Game on Netflix. Let me know what you fucking think.

It's pretty crazy. You'll see if you don't need your greens or not. The church is also brought to you by CBD Lions. Let me explain some to you yesterday. Got off stage in Newark and Brooklyn. fucking one, went back to my room, alarm at 3.30, car at 4, playing at 6, landed at 9, drove myself home, fucking got home, washed my pussy, did a little light workout just to get the sodium out, hit the bag under the sun, a couple swings in the kettlebell, fucking went to

a script writing class, and then went back home and hung with the family. Why? CBD Lion.com. That's fucking why, okay? Whether it's the gummy bears, the tincture under your tongue, listen, they're the best out there. How do I know? Because I'm fucking living in a 56. So do yourself a favor. Go to CBD lion.com right now and press in church and get 20% off your first order. Number two, listen, it's Monday. Already you blew it this fucking weekend by not betting fucking Houston. All right. my bookie.com is here. Mybooky.orgie. Okay. Of course, listen, we do this to make money. Nobody's gambling. So you go to the bar and tell your friends how cool you are.

At the end of the day, it's about net motherfucking winners, okay? Listen, you didn't bet fucking Michigan against Notre Dame. You didn't bet fucking Houston. You didn't do a lot of things you were supposed to do, and you could have made some easy money. MyBooky.org. Because listen, where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on. If you're trying to bet on the NFL, baseball, UFC, MMA, Bellator, whatever the fuck you want, my bookie's got it. Plus, they got something your bookie ain't got.

Side bets, prop bets. You can switch your bet after kickoff. I mean, listen, do you know you can bet on games after kickoff? If by the second half, it looks like your bet's going to lose, you could always take the other side. Do your bookie let you do that? No. So do me a favor. 20.ag double your first deposit right now. Use promo code church. You get 100% bonus on your

initial deposit up to a thousand dollars. All right. I'm taking care of you today. That's it. It's fucking November. That's it. Yeah, Halloween's Thursday tricky tricky and you're still walking around with rabbit fucking pockets. Cut this shit. Listen, every week you bet you bet yourself three, four net winners or $100. Who's better than you? You're going to walk away with a little salary even if it's 1200 you pick up a couple people on Uber you got your something nobody knows nothing you're under the radar you sell a couple pills to people you're ready to go listen my my bookie that age today is the way to go and don't forget our promo code is church C-HUR-C-H when creating your account to claim your bonus

listen you play you'll win you get paid that's my bookie dot a G kick this motherfucker me or Lisa yeah little Cologne and Hector on a Tuesday morning. Are you fucking getting me? Here you go. What? It's the church that was happening now, motherfuckers. Pablo Francisco.

The Christ killer. I don't give a fuck whether you're oblo or not. Get up. Get up. Bring yourself, motherfuckus. It's a trombone and a fucking little Puerto Rican spick right from Boogie Down. Here we go. go what?

You're saying, what's he saying, Joey? Don't worry. Get up, dance with her. Move those hips. That's the best fucking piece of ass you ever get. Your Gentile cop, sonner. That Spanish pussy comes with non-glut. So, fuck it, you'll be splitting seeds.

Here you go. Here we go. Here we go. It's Tuesday, you're feeling down. Fuck yourself. Get up. Kicking life out. You're what.

Bust out the syringes. Hector. Are you fucking kidding me or what? You got to get that fucking blood bouncing. You know, whether you have Spanish blood or not, one of your grandmother's suck the Spanish dick at one time or another.

Stop getting yourself. It's a church of what's happened now. We're coming out the gate on a Tuesday morning. For starters, I want to thank you if you came to the stress Factory in New Brunswick this weekend. You motherfuckers were off the chain. If cameras were there, fuck everybody. We would have a great special, but that's what made it better.

No cameras were there. No, nothing. Just you savages. It was great to see my family. It was great to see kids that I was 15 with. You know, we talked about robbing a van. We did a bunch of shit. He just said, I love it.

One of my friends shows up and he sits in the front row. Now you guys can ask him if what the fuck I'm talking about is true. And this kid was right. He didn't live. next door to me. He lived next door to next door. Okay. So him and I and his brother, God rest his soul, we fucking

ran together every day. And he used to have a lot of acne. And I remember one day he had a pimple above his lip. And it was a white head with a black head in it. And he'd bitten to a hamburger and the pimple broke. You'll never forget that. As long as I can live to be 180.

Oh, God. And I still remember that pimple busting like a little package of mustard right on his hip. And he just ate it like nothing because he didn't know it that little mustard seed tremendous I like 40 years later he still can't live it down with him I didn't say it oh he didn't bring that out of it didn't look great that was in and out it looked fucking tremendous oh my god his skin looked tremendous but at that time we we would torture him all the fuck what did you call him I don't even know but he used to be funny like he was a naturally funny guy and we had a kid that had big ears and I remember one

was sitting there was stoned to the gills and the kid was very sensitive and everybody would call him big ears and he would lose his mind and my friend and this kid michael was doing something and i saw him take two albums of their covers like two regular right you know that you put on a photograph right and he took a newspaper and he opened it up so it was like a newspaper with a album cover on this and an album on this side and he goes who am i sabbatino reading the paper. Let me tell you something. We fucking die the laughter, but I told the story about my first Me Too

experience, which I had never told before. It happened in 1979 so you can't press charges. What happened? Tell us. Come on. Me, him, Carlos Perez, Dominic Spichia on this other kid. My mother wasn't home, and we got

fucked up. I'm Crystal T.H. A.k.a. Angel Dust. Divided by the square root? Divided by the square root we drank a bunch of shit we drank like a case of nips okay in an hour and a half that's eight beers a piece it was like five of us we drank like nine or ten beers yeah we did like a pint of southern comfort oh god we were fucked up and we smoked a bunch of dope they were going to a party right but i had a crush on this lady there was two girls in my neighbor named the cardinelli sisters okay who were fine and one was better than the other one the older one was engaged the kid that was

basically my brother right and the other one was just a beautiful beautiful girl that dated a couple guys from the name but i never had any sexual encounters we grew up together we were we were we were gumbas i really like kathy right but her mother you know the apple don't fall far from the tree right the mother was banging when i was 13 yeah the mother like was the hottest thing on the planet i mean like yeah farra forci yeah those charlade kind of look in yeah but this motherfucker was in front of me every day she had real fucking titty's and she'd wear a halter top oh yes and she had a flat stomach with shorts and she wear flip flops and her feet were always dirty but she had two french poodles that were blind right so she'd have to cross the street with them and put lay him down

in the park right and we'd be playing basketball and i'd throw the basketball over just so it would slide next to her so i could see her tithies and you're at that age when you just going home like i would see her titsnapped to go behind the tree and bang one out. You're at that age where you just got to jerk off because you can't take it no more. You got to bang one out. Outside? No. Inside in the mausoleum.

Yeah, outside. I mean, that's how hot she was leaving. When you're 13, and you're a young man, 13, 14, you're going through a bag of fucking emotions. And I came from a Catholic neighborhood. Right. So it wasn't like girls were giving up shit. And I wasn't looking to get it because I came from a Catholic neighborhood.

Right. So you're walking around, but your inside to telling you something different. Telling you good things. You want to fuck and suck and, you know, but you don't know about coming in mouths you and coming in people's eyeballs. You just want to crack a nut when you're 13, you know? So, I mean, she was the prettiest thing I had ever seen in my life. Was she single? No.

She was divorced? She was divorced. Mr. Cardenelli, but now she had, if she was 37, 36, her husband was about 55. Wow. He had Doree Me, so, but he knew how fine she was. Right. So he would sit on the balcony and watch her while she would walk the dogs. Right.

And if you got too close to her, he would go, hey, get the fuck away from my wife, because that's how fucking fine she was. So for a year, I kept, I mean, I know since I was 10. You know, I developed around her, but she was just. And there was no fake tits back then. It was 1975. Yeah. This happened.

This incident happened in 79. She had big fucking juicy tennies. But I also know there's something else. I know that I was playing basketball at night. Right. And she would walk the dog, her husband wouldn't come on the balcony. So this would be my chance to get her alone.

So at night, I would talk to her. I would go to the basketball courts just to watch her come out like at 10.30. Right, right. And then I talked to her. How are you doing, Miss Carnelly? And we'd talk a little bit. And I check her out. And at night she was even...

Some night she just wore a bikini top. Yeah, great. Like, she just had a great body, guys. So I'm going through all this shit at home, puberty, back, jerked off. And after about six months, I said, that's it. Like, I've had enough. I'm fucking fey. Like, I'm just, I'm fucking fey.

I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm fucking fey. I mean, I was in love with her. Jesus. So I went out with those guys to my house. My mother wasn't home. We got fucked up. We listened to both sides of Led Zeppelin, too.

We were fired up. And they went to a party and I went and hid in face bushes until she came down the stairs and I had like little flowers and shit You should not hire her bushes I swear on my mother's grave. Why would I lie to you? You want the fucking truth? I tell you. You're a kid. You don't fucking know.

Flowers. You don't fucking know. That's why I think it's unfair. Listen, if a producer that's 50 and you're 40 on the set, but if you're going to come at me for something I did in college or high school, you're just learning your masculinity. Right. If he didn't stick it up your ass and beat you to death with Paul. I don't want to hear it. You know what I'm saying?

If he grabbed your teddy or took his dick out in front of you're 18, a man doesn't even know his masculinity. They don't even know that you get these feelings. You know, I think about it now because I wrote a joke about it. One night I was thinking about, you know, how hard it was for me at that age. Like the hard-ons and the fucking and the wanting to have, sex but you can't because you're Catholic

you know going to hell me like all that you know have erecting or would you're forgiven no who the fuck knows I mean I'm just saying that you just feel like you're in the middle of this thing you don't know whether you could fuck or suck or be evil and then one day you go fuck it I just start you know sucking titties and talking about in confession and then I will go to confession on Sundays and Saturdays at five and you have to tell them yourself you'd have to say Yeah, like I suck some girls' titties. Oh, the Lord says you cannot fornicate that you're married.

Whatever the fuck the rule of. Go give me five our fathers. After you suck a tit for five our fathers. Fuck it. I'll keep sucking titsking fanging bitch. And then you just forget to mention it because why are you going to talk about it for? Oh, my God. So, you know, I was going through this thing and I was in love with Faye.

So I got flowers, like a bouquet, like dandelions, like some bullshit bouquet. And I just hit in the weed. and I saw her come out with her hot pants and the flip-flops and a little hall at the top and I didn't know whether to tackle her. I was thinking about tackling and giving her the flowers because the dogs are blind. Then I got to bark.

They're just going to be walking around. Like, what's going on here? You know what I'm saying? They got like little blind sticks. So as I first creeping up on it, she turned around. And she goes, Coco, what are you doing that? And I go, Faye, listen, I'm in love with you. and I just blew her mind.

Like she knew me as a little kid. She's like, what are you talking about? Flowers and a half. I go, for you, I just want to run away with you. You said that really? Yeah, I said those exact stupid words. Right, that's a good one. Listen, we don't know.

Like, I never forget when I say a good. When I say a good joke, I forget it. Yeah. It's when you say something stupid to somebody. It reminds you for the rest of your life. Like, you're sitting like, I hope they don't remember. And what you're 13? Yeah.

You run away with me? You run away with me? Oh, my God. You run away with me? And she's like, what are you talking about? I go I just running one with you and we'll go somewhere and I'll get a job. I'm like, I just want to be with you. And she's like, do you fuck?

She didn't say that. She knew I was young. And she's like, well, that's very sweet of you. She goes, what I'll do is this. If me and my husband have had a problem, I will keep you in mind. Oh, okay. I was a kind of a bit. I'm surprised you didn't murder the poor guy.

No. And I just stood there like beat red. And she took my flowers and I go, for you, I really love you. And then she got it. I could tell. I was scared. She had that Harvey Weinstein's face to it. She was a little scared.

You know, I'm 13. And I like you. Can I kiss you? And she goes, yeah, you kiss me on the cheek. And I kissed her on the cheek. And then I sat there for like three more minutes and stared at down. And she's like, are you okay? I want your clothes.

I want your tits. And after she let me kiss her, my dick was hard. My face was red. You know, my blood was... How tall were you? 13. I was 5.10. Okay.

And I fucking said, can I touch your leg? Like, that's my me too story. And I bent over and I touched like right above her kneecap. Without her saying yes or she said yes. She said yes. She's like, yes. You know, like if it lets you go, like type deal. If it, if this, if touching my leg makes you get the fuck out of here,

go ahead and I touched like above her knee cat right I felt all I resmur my head come out of my pants and I just ran home like fucking like Steve Segal you know how Steve Segal you know like a fagre like a dog I ran the fuck home and I just fucking here we go go go out so like three days later and I'm like I'm sorry and she's like ah it happens all the time and that was it and then but about two years I'm at lunch with her son-in-law. Okay. And I go, how the fuck is Faye doing? And he goes, she's still 80, and she's still alive.

She goes, she lives with us. And I go, I ever tell you the story? I almost raped to one night. He's only talking about that. That I told him and I are laughing. He's like, I got to tell you something. I go, how is she looking these days? Right.

And he goes, she don't look fucking bad for 80. She still has great dits. He still has a great ass. She's sprinkled up. But he goes, she's horny as fuck. I go, how do you know? She's always talking about it at dinner. Yeah.

So one night, I'm sitting after I tell him this. I forget about it, but a month later, I'm going to call. And it's Bobby. I go, what's up, Bobby? He goes, hold on. Somebody wants to talk to you. And he put her on the phone. She's like, why the hell are you when I need you?

Now I'm horny. And I'm like, ha. I'm like, how are you doing for me? Like, thank you for telling Bobby that story. I had forgotten about it and shit. Holy me. Yeah, I mean, that's a, how would you tag that, man? And just jump in there, pull those diapers down.

I didn't fuck, you know, she's 80. Who the fuck knows? What's going on with you? Not much, man. You look good. Thanks, man. I can see that you're working on your build. Yeah, I'm working.

I'm doing a few pull-ups, and then I, you know. How's the program working? Program's working okay. You know, I see here, I hit the meetings once in a while. But, man, just going to the meetings, you know, you just got to get the right one because I'm just sick and tired of, hi, it's my birthday. You know, those kind of meetings.

And then the ones I'm going to are just pretty good. They got the your regulars and stuff like that, but uh... You clean, you're drinking? I'm clean, but not I'm drinking, I'm drinking water. Okay, you keep it away from the evil? Yeah, I can walk through where I ate pretty well, you know, and just walk right past the liquor. But, uh, why do they have yellow caps? You know, always thinking what?

Why would they put yellow caps on vodka? I wonder. You know, just pondering, just, you know, like... How long you've been clean from the powderful? I would say more than... I'd say over a year. And how do you feel about it? Well, I feel I can get up a little more.

You know, I get up early in the morning now. I noticed that this morning. You got me back at 8.35. 835. But then I go back and take a little nap. Get a little cereal. Take a nap. And then I just, I get a heart on that.

So I take the vitamins and stuff like that. You sent me the garlic? I take the garlic. Yeah. Three of those. How good are the farts? Oh, I blasted my. Oh, my God.

I fart on India. That is poor bastard. Right. And it sounded wet. So I have you the thing for those, Pablo? What's that? I viewed you to thank for the garlic tabs. The garlic tab.

Yeah, but they're odorless. But no, they're not. And they really work. Oh, actually, you can feel the difference. When you sent me that, and the powdered that you sent me. Right. Thank you for the water. Who the fuck sends you?

I know. The case of the water. I got a case of water in the mail. Who sends you water? Pablo. That's the type of guy this type of guy this motherfucker is. But I read up on the garlic. And I got to tell you something.

I felt the result. You feel it after about three weeks later, right? I felt the results at kickboxing. When I have to do anything, cardio. Right. I feel that it, I always have, I'm old, I smoke pot, and my lungs are in bad shape. Right.

I always have a fear, the first 15 minutes. Okay. After you do cardio? When I'm, when I'm kickboxing. Okay. Like if I'm doing the midst or something. Right. The first three or four rounds, I have a weird feeling to me.

Right. And then the next three or four rounds, once I get to the six or the seven, I loosen up. Right. Since I started the pills, I think I'm getting more blood flow. Yeah. I'm giving it a little bit of your experience in the seventh and eighth and ninth round. Right. I'm kicking and punching harder.

Right. So I can feel that I'm just not doing it for four. I'm actually smuggling. So you're feeling a difference. You feel the clear. Yeah. So then I watched that documentary the game changer. Yeah, yeah.

I've been really thinking, did you watch it, Lee? Yeah. What did you think? It makes sense. It makes sense. So the whole thing is that that plant-based diet really helps with your blood pressure and and all the stuff in the meat. It's very frustrating as someone who struggles with weight, how they were saying, like,

oh, doctors, you just say have chicken and fish. And even that's not really good for you. So it's like it's, it's... It's amazing how little we know and how, how, like, it can have that big of a difference. Like, the blood pressure that they showed how it went down and all that. It's, uh, and it was interesting how they were saying, oh, well, we think we're meat eaters, but maybe they had the occasional meat, but it's most of the time, it was probably just veggies. And it's, uh, I don't know, it's, I, like, it's kind of weird, it got me to think. And they, they didn't really talk about this, but we're like the only people, like,

animals that eat for pleasure everyone else just eat if you see a dog they just eat what they're eating it doesn't really matter and whether like meat tastes good but obviously there's some negative things for you I know meat for me

at my age at night I feel it do I feel it the next day no I don't know what the fuck people are your stomach's full I feel sugar the next day I had dessert the night for the first you know four ways we shared spoons and I had dessert

and I felt the sugar the next day in fact I felt the sugar that I had to go work out just to sweat it out a little bit Yeah you take a long long long time It feels really good It's weird that you haven't transferred Because the whole thing about really ending An addiction is transferring that addiction

Yeah you can take it and put something in its place Yeah You know for me it was going back to working out You know, like I like it, I enjoy it. It keeps my powder dry. Right. It keeps my powder dry. Whether it's a half hour hour and a half a class,

hitting a bag at the wide, just something that I could put the phone away. Right, right. That's, that's, we're essentially escaping. Right. When we're doing a 12 hour, we're fucking run. Right. You know what I'm saying?

So now I do little escapes. What's an escape? Not having any responsibility for an hour. Right. And that's, you leave your phone, the car I know my wife is home if something happens at the school or something's got to pick the kid up right that's peace of mind absolutely that little hour means so much in your life you know when you're a young comic your mind is obsessed right

with succeeding and the industry and your agents and then one day you turn to be 40 and you hear 15 20 years and you see as long as you stay active and stay true and keep Brighton. Right. You're always going to have a job. Yeah. You know, you're always going to have work and you got some years, I don't, you know, becoming Kevin Hart is a lottery ticket. Yeah. You know, becoming successful, just being successful and happy is what you're striving for, you know what I'm saying. Right. I'm really happy. I'm, uh, like I told you in the beginning, you know, I got a lot of emails from people who are struggling with addiction, you know, when they listen to the show and they feel better it overcomes him.

If anybody had an addiction, he couldn't shake for a long time. Beside me, it's you. Oh, yeah, man. It was fun. It was all about having fun, man. For me, I didn't know my daddy. Can you hold closer to? Yeah. It was all about having fun with me. I mean, the thing was, I didn't have no problems

with my childhood. You know, my daddy didn't touch me in my ass or anything like that. I just was basically having a good time and it just rolled up and my friends were doing. How old were you when you started drinking? I started drinking 15 years old. I started pounding. When was the first time?

me did a line of coke? I did a line of coke at my history teacher's house. He used to be a free enterprise in history at our high school. And he ended up living down the street from us. And we just partying with him. And I did Metallica's master of puppets came out. And I was like, did my first line. I was like, lips got numb.

Teacher was there. It was all good. How old were you? I was 16. Six fucking team. Yeah, dude. Rack came out. And it was just the best.

The crew just doing lines and just. little pot in lines all the time I could take it too I was good I had a good metabolism back there but then after a while man oh god going in this class stone

and my god thinking you're gonna get busted you're just like just looking around like that and your friends are looking dude your eyes are red oh god and I thought I was gonna get busted in English class first period

and I was just like my blazing I was going oh my god I got so stone and everyone's looking at me going man are you stone man if you look high and then the teacher comes and goes you know what it's gonna be a movie today and the lights go down I went, oh, saved, saved by the whole thing.

So, I mean, never got high in high school, right? Only like that one time. But on the weekends, I'll just go. Before this, what's the longest you've been clean before this? I don't know what's two years. And what made you relapse that time? Found it in my house. You know, it was in between some books and just came out and just had the day off.

and it's been, you know, a year and a half, why not do a little bit, maintain it, you know, I just did two days with it and drank, oh, my God, tons of beer,

and then just went back to sober again. But, you know, just doing a bong right now. I'm like, I'm trying to get caught in mouth with that kind of stuff. You know,

it's so weird, I'm about two weeks away from not doing coke for 12 years. You know way, really? Two weeks away. Wow, you're counting that high.

Good Lord, man. Good for you, man. When I was the old me, you know, I think they told the story on Ari and Red Band's podcast. Right. About me slamming the computer

on Red Band's finger. And I called Brian the odd day. I go, I don't know if you knew this, Brian. That was my third month of sobriety. Oh, really? I was January of 2008, and we were at Cobb's. comedy club. Right.

And, you know, I got clean, like, November 10th, there's something like that of 2007. Would you just blow? Just blow. Right. Just blow alcohol. You know, I wasn't really a drinker. Right.

My thing was that cocaine by myself. How would you come down? Do you smoke weed? I'd smoke weed. I had maybe a pill. Okay. Whatever you had, you know. But the pills would take me somewhere else.

It's funny. I got a dolomite last night. Okay. And he says a line in the beginning of that director, diner, and he gets upset, and he goes to his car. And he goes, you know, I've been here all this time, and nothing has happened in my life. And he goes, whatever I'm selling, he's buying.

Right. And the way he said it, and the way he meant it, as a comic, you get to that point. Right. Yep. Where you're like, whatever I'm selling, you don't want to buy it. It's a script, my act, you know, I'm just fucking death, you know.

Right. He becomes, you know, for me, that was what made me quit. Like, I was like, I either have to fucking do this or I'm not buying what I'm selling no more. Like, yeah, I've lucked out and picked up some movies and shit like that. But I'm not going to pick them out anymore because the word's going to get out. Right, right. The word's going to get out that this is a big problem. I had already had problems.

I settled along the shard. I had problems and I said this other movie. I quit this job over, you know, and I could lie to everybody and say that, yeah, I had another job doing Mountain Dew, but I canceled that fucking movie that time and the people came to my house and I pushed a producer.

That was all cocaine-induced. Wow. You know, that was all cocaine-induced, you know. I was going to Coke till 6. You're going to come bang on my door at 9. Oh, no. I'll stab me in the long. And then when I tell you to go away,

you keep banging on my door. I got a banging headache. I feel bad enough. The dealers already called me twice because I didn't put the $50 in the saddle and took the coat. You know, I need you knocking on my door to go do a fucking movie

down the corner about the dumbest thing I've ever heard about my life. Right, right. The word's going to get out. Yeah, eventually the word's going to get out. And I didn't want it to get out. And if it did get out, I wanted to correct it with those people.

you know right like after i got clean i read a letter to adam like a year later right and he put me in a movie you know i can write adam a letter and next ex-cdom in one of his movies that's cool man like an apology letter or whatever right you know but i'm at that whole incident in cops happened because i was still running a little shaky 90 days ain't shit right right 90 days this thing could turn it in any minute. And I know now from talking to other people who have gone with who we've gone through, that it could change any day.

So I have to check myself every day. Right. I've had it around. I know people have had it in their pocket. Yeah. I know it's at certain places that I frequent, but it doesn't affect me. I can't think of going back to that life.

Oh, yeah. I can't think of. First of all, I think I would die of a heart attack. Yeah, man. Right off the bat. Like at this age, with what I've done and how hard I've done to repair everything, the garlic pills, the cardio. Right.

I think that, like, this podcast would not still be intact if I was doing it. Oh, no way. We'll go a lot quicker. What? No, no, no. Nobody would show. This poor kid would still be here two years ago sitting here waiting for him. Who shows?

Oh, shit, well. When you're on Coke, it's a 50-50. It's just a 50-50 chance. You're going to show up. You're not going to do it. You do any plans with me, it's 50-50. Yeah. And so I know you now, or at least I feel like I know you pretty well.

And like you're punctual. You get mad. Like, you don't want other people. You're very on your calendar. Like, would you feel bad about it in the time? But you're just like, I can't leave the house right now. I'm too fucked up. It just, yeah, it changes to the point where you think you could probably minjitsu your way out of it.

get out of the situation you know you can probably blame it on traffic but i i said stupid you know had stupid excuses hey man my arm fell off that kind of thing and i really believed it so you made my arm fall off but you know you get sick all the time it says you know i just remember you know there was a time where i could not sleep stop doing coke at four and get in a car at six routine and go on a plane ride feel a little creepy at the airport but as time went on the addiction turned into something different and they got to the point that if I was high till four I wouldn't even leave the house at six like I would call the comedy club and say I'm getting on the plane I'm headed to the airport but I wasn't even leaving the fucking house I did it to about four

five comedy clubs I think I did it to Joe one time, you know, I mean, and you see how I am about comedy now. And you're like, I can't see that. It wasn't me. It was whatever I was doing that was, I mean, the last year I canceled eight gigs to Friday. So like, so let's say you were supposed to leave Friday. Thursday night or Thursday during the day, you're like, okay, I'm not going to get high tonight. I'm not going to get high.

And then at the last second, you're like, fuck it. Fuck it. Let me go get a package. I'll be fine. All depends how good the show is, you know, if you rocked, you want to re-up. No, no, no, but I'm talking about even getting down there. Oh, getting down there. I wouldn't even make it to the plane.

Like I would leave, and I'd have the owner of the club waiting for me at the airport, calling me, going, where are you? My plane got delayed. We got debunk to Oklahoma, and now there's a tornado, and they're still going to go, we'll come in tonight, we'll replace you tonight, coming for tomorrow. and I would still make up a story. It was that bad, and I think of my life now, you know,

if you made plans with me to see me at one in the afternoon, it was all 50-50. Even during the day. Yeah, I didn't do it in the daytime. But when you wake up at 8 and you have that depression from the night before, or you go to bed at 8 in the morning, I go to bed at 8.

you know I would I would the last year I would stay up until Terry would wake up to go to work and then the last half hour she would day I was just faking out of sleep with my eyes closed meanwhile my heart's pounding in the fucking bed and she's getting ready around me and as soon as she would leave I was like it was like a breath of fucking relief yeah I could open my eyes and jerk off one more time and try to fall back to sleep so I don't I don't dread those things I don't dread fucking over people. Because that's the only part.

Towards the end, you're fucking yourself over. But more or less, you're fucking people over. Right. I mean, and it just, this isn't just myself. You know, I heard he'll tell you. I think he'll tell you, the last year, the last day of crashing, he just didn't show. You know, rest in peace.

I love him with all my heart. I mean, it's well documented. And this is where our fucking world falls apart. And Dan Bafini would disappear for three days. Come back and pay for the production. I know a friend, he did it to his movie, and he gave $120,000 for the day of production. And I know for a fact he did a movie in New Orleans,

and he went out and supposedly somebody slipped him pill at the strip club. They couldn't get a hold of him. He had to pay for the whole day of production on a Sean Penn movie, $250,000. Wow. You know, that's your nature to disappear. I would disappear for three days, Lee, where you could. And there was no cell phones in the 80s.

You just called the house. Right. Disappear. Is there a way to describe it to someone like, I'm trying to, like, because to me, the only, I can't even, I can't even wrap my head around it. Who's in the tractor? Let's just say Kate Quigley.

Okay. Kate Quigley, okay. Friday, you go out, you get your paycheck for $800 for two weeks, and you go out and spend $500 on Coke, a bag, because Joey's supposed to buy, split it with you. But I got fucked up a night before and spent the money from that Coke. So now you're stuck with the whole seven grams. And you go to the Comedy Store, who do you bump into?

Kate Quigley? She's got a dress on. you could tell she's got a thong on you got two lines in you so Kate Quigley's looking completely different than what she looks like to you now Craig Cigley's now your friend when you look at her on cocaine

she looks like a victim like she's just an ass she's just uh what do cheaters go after they have those because they don't pray yeah that's what she is she's just pray

so now let's pretend you went to Pablo you said Pablo, give me that seven grams on the arm. I'm going to sell it to Joe Diaz. I'm going to make a profit. So now, even though you got it in your pocket and you're going to make a profit on Joe Diaz

and you stole Pablo, 500, you don't look at Kate. I'm just using Kate as an example because everybody knows that she's a pretty girl. I could use a thousand other girls, but with the coming is, whatever. You look at her. You know, they got a thong on, they bent over. You know, they do coke. You give them a packet.

You make them go to the bathroom. They do two bumps. They come back. They take you the Coke is great. And then they come back, give you two more. Now it's three in the morning. Now where we're going to go? Why live in Studio Cid?

I got another seven grams up there. Cake quickly or whoever it is going to come up there with you. Yep. Now, the first gram that you do, you're okay because you're in profit. Yeah, yeah, right. You're just losing a little profit. You're still got Pablo's money tomorrow. But next thing now, you talk Kate to taking the top off.

and you want to do two bumps off of tits, she snorting pretty soon. Touching things. You're like, okay, fuck, fuck, Joey's Pablo. Now we're moving on to fucking Pablo's money. Even though you and Pablo are best friends. You grew up with Pablo. That addiction makes you tell Pablo to go fuck himself.

Even though in real life, you would never tell Popple's your best friend. And Joey's your best friend. But you're just selling your soul right now for Kate, her pussy, and that cocaine. Now, you know how long that lasts to do all that coke? Friday from 3 in the morning to Saturday night at 6.11. Yeah. So you guys pretty basically staying all afternoon,

maybe go for a walk to get beer. Right. And go right back to do that Coke every 20 minutes. And talk shit, fuck, suck, whatever you got to do. Now Sunday morning, you wake up at 2 in the afternoon, Kate's gone. you look at your phone you got six miss messages from Pablo Joey has it

Joey called last night because he got money the night before so it's you give up so much for this addiction like you sell put a lot of effort into nothing it's a lot of effort into nothing besides fucking your friend now you gotta go face Pablo and make up a lie to Pablo that the cops pulled Joe over and took it

bitches took it or shit you got no money and you'll pay him $50 a week for 18 weeks. You've talked to me or told stories about times when, like, you didn't even want the girls to come over. So it was just you by yourself. There was a point where the addiction keeps growing. That's what people don't understand.

Pablo's clean a year, but inside of him, that addiction is growing. Oh, yeah. That's why so many, well, I'm lying to you. Like when people go back to heroin, they shoot the amount they were shooting before they went to rehab and they get a heart attack. They OD because their tolerance. The tolerance went lower. Right. You know, your tolerance goes lower and lower.

But your desire for it keeps growing. Keeps growing. So when you're an addict, as they describe an addict, you know, I hear a lot of words when people describe addict. They describe addicts. They describe disease. in my world I was an addict okay I was an addict

I would wake up at 8 in the morning first thing I thought about was Coke and the second thing was comedy and how was I going to get the money for the Coke to do the comedy doing cocaine comedy and that's an addict that's an addict

and guess what I have the rent money but the rent's not due to the fifth so even though it's a 29th and I got the rent money I'm good till Monday bitch all bets are off and guess what it's Halloween Thursday

I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna stay clean for Halloween but I'm buying an A ball and 10 quailo just to start the party off and that's how you think that's how you think so I know I was sensitive at a 90 day mark I'm trying to think back to

because after you know I spoke to Burt two days ago and I said how's it going and he goes I feel good And he said something that made me very happy. He goes, I think I'm going to give this a shot. I really want to give this a shot. I'm feeling that much better.

Do you feel the change after you? Oh, absolutely. Where do you see changes? I started enjoying going out and seeing, you know, I like taking long walks now, you know, check out the neighborhood. I'm getting into more of the animals out there. I know it sounds crazy, but that's, I'm recognizing a lot of things that I missed when I was growing up, You know, just the reaction of people and how they talk to each other sometimes.

Sometimes I would just stay in my room, just watch TV and get on the internet. But I feel more strength, you know. I feel more, it definitely builds up your confidence. But it's, you go back and you see your friends still doing it, you know, and they're older than you. And they still pull out a bump. It's like, it kind of trits me out because I was, well, man, I go, you can still, you still keep it in a file.

You still do that little bump and he goes, yeah, man, but they just don't, they continue. They stay in one spot, but they get more aware about how it had some good times on it, had some bad times on it, right? And they still have a fight about how they screwed up, and they always say it's not coke or pot. But I felt a change in a warm responsible, you know, I can, and smoke a lot of cigarettes, though, that's not too, too good. But other than that, man, I feel. I feel that I'm having my shows go by quicker, you know, I don't have to feel like I'm struggling through him and you bring a sober partner with you on the road

Yeah, it's easy. It's easy. Yeah, I bring a Barry Diamond. No, very diamond goes with me on the road Does he really? Yeah, he's great. He's fantastic man. We're playing in Ontario this week But uh Is he sober? Oh, yeah, he's completely sober man How old is Barry now? You know what? I don't know how old he is but uh Good guy. No good funny dude good guy hilarious First time I saw him was in that movie with Tom Hanks. Oh, yeah, that's the party.

That's the party, and I fell in love with him. I know he was a wild man, and you see him up at the store. It's a wild, too. Yeah, he's got, he's still a wild man. But, you know, for me, I think the first two years I was on eggshells until I could actually believe that I was clean. Like, actually believe, like, this is not. Right. Like, I have, you know, more than $18 in my ATM account.

I get up early in the morning. You said the word confidence. I started counting on myself. Right, yeah. So the more I could count on myself, the better I could make myself. Like, I figured out everybody in L.A., you have a meeting with somebody that Jerry's dying.

Right. You're 15 minutes late. Everybody else is 20 minutes late. And people are like, oh, sorry, the traffic. Well, bitch, you grew up in L.A. right you should know better you grew up in LA and my responsibility is to be there you know so i started getting sharp in those things right yeah i grew balls back i wasn't an addict anymore right so when you told me to go fuck myself now my first reaction used to be go for and i would go you know what i'm gonna

end up in jail and then i can't snort so let me just walk away from this situation which didn't make me look bad it made me feel bad because i should have choked those fucking guys were saying that to me. You know, I realized that I wasn't an addict no more. That was a man again. You know, make a statement to people. I didn't become a man until I was 44 when I made the decision to get that out of my life. Like, that was when I became a man. I didn't know it to like 47. But all these little things, oh, it made me better, you know, and I want the same for you. Right. And that's why I want you to come on the podcast every six weeks. report yeah man because this will give you something even if you relapse we don't get a

fuck man he gives a you know the I tried to quit from I think I started quitting in 2004 right you know for anybody who knows anything about quitting drugs or whatever if you do a cold turkey God bless you but I started quitting like in 2004 right by 2007 I was on heroin wow this shit ain't really working My system isn't working, so I have to figure out another system. I knew rehab was not the answer. Right. I knew at that level rehab was not the answer.

Very expensive. I knew that people had gone in and out of rehabs, and I figured out something one day that was just amazed. I go, you know what? When you watch Carlito's way, he says that he had a counselor in prison that told him that, you know, you could run. run and run but one day you're gonna you just can't run no man right and you know the life I was living it was running every day I was hustling a package really you know selling coke trying to make

this and you know it's stressful right it's stressful that's too much stress oh yeah I got to think about too much to put on it too much energy is it gonna be there right will I make my set right you know you call the guys and meet your 7 11 and magnolia at 18 30 you got a 915 in fucking oxnard you know you really make yourself oh wow that yeah you're gonna meet him at 830 and make it to oxnard in 10 minutes like shit like that yeah all thing you're late i'll never forget doing something towards the end that was the improvs got really pissed at me right like the improvs had heard bits and pieces of what i was doing but one night they gave me a chance i forget the guy's name fred ed okay was it the

the Oxford or was this is on Ontario okay he was one of the owners or something of marketing a senior VP okay he was an older guy hanging around the improvs I don't think he liked me you know as it was and I had gotten the longest yard and they were trying to do the you know I spoke to Hartman one day right you know he said okay we'll start giving you break off nights whatever and He came through, Hartman came through, and they gave me Wednesday and Thursday at the Ontario Improv. And all I had to do was Wednesday and Thursday and do radio Thursday morning. Right.

No, I'm lying to you. They wanted me to go into Ontario. They got me a hotel. Yeah, get you a hotel on a Tuesday. Right. And they wanted me to get up for radio Wednesday and Thursday. Right. You did you like two-piece?

Or Wednesday. Yeah. Usually it's, yeah, both. And I drove from Hollywood to Ontario, checked in, went to my room, set up to sleep at me machine, the whole thing, laid down, ready to go to sleep. And I said, I need a bump. And I got back in my car, drove the hour 10 to Hollywood. Right. Got a package.

Right. And drove the hour 10 back to Ontario. And I stayed up to eight. I didn't get back to Ontario to midnight, 1230. You know, I had to stop me. In those days, I would stop and get one beer. Oh, God. Like, just one beer to kill the initial bump

and then go on water after that. Right. And I, you know, the radio guys were outside calling. I'm not answering the hotel's banging on the door. I got the lock they can't open. Yeah. And I think I just said, I'm sick. I got the flu, but they knew what time it was.

I ended up having like 24 people there on Wednesday, 12 on Thursday, and I got to call, like, a week later, like, lose our number. Right. Like, the fucking improv is to lose their number. Like, you know, like, this type of shit. And this is, like, February of 2000. Yeah, okay, 20 years ago. So I was worried I couldn't open Ferrogan at the imprars, but they were like, no, no, no, no.

You could still show your balls, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. And they were like, they were like, you know, it's so funny how you do something a couple times and people go crazy over it. I stopped showing my balls in my 2002.

Right. Once I got mad TV, I can't be showing my balls. Let's go to the clip. I showed my balls in Brea. I would open up my zipper and just let my balls hang out and go off. I couldn't believe it.

Yeah. People would go nuts. Yeah, they would go nuts. Some people would watch you for a minute. And then they would just go like, what the fuck? Is that a lemon milk? No. I would just let the two balls out of the minute.

Can you imagine what happened if you did that now in 2018? Oh, yeah. They throw you under the chair. And, you know, this is just to show you how crazy I was. There was a video of me that Rogan and Chris McGuire made of me jumping through Rogan's poster. And I was naked and I would dance. And they shot in Brea and the old brand.

Yeah, the movie theater. Yeah. And oh my God. I gotta call that Tuesday from the improv. I'm like, are you fucking nuts? You shot it right under the improv sign. Like, I was just, you know, it was like one disaster after another.

Right. Those, that is the scrapnel result of an addiction. It's that your life is a fucking zigzag. So, you know, you get flat ties. Yeah, you just, you know, it's just the curse of bad luck. Plains change at the last minute. You know, it's not your fault.

but then sometimes you got to change them yourself and they don't believe you. Yeah, no, no, no. And then everything that can happen is going to happen. Right. So on top of what I'm creating in my life, life is not throwing curveballs down my fucking throat. Yep.

You know. You plan on, is this what you want to do? Yeah, most definitely, man. I want to get into, you know, whatever comes to. Right now, I'm just saving my money. How old are you now? I'm 50 years old. You know, Paul, when I saw that,

documentary for Rachel's. Yeah. And it said that he got sober at the age of 60. My heart stopped. Like, I'm like, I can't do this, I'm 60. No, no, no way, man. Like, yeah, I think, I don't know what age was. Somebody check it for me or whatever.

What? You know, at the end it said that he did heroin to the age of 60-something. Wow. You know, that petrified me. Like, I just had a lot of signs. Right. Of that.

telling me to stop right you know yeah religion gets involved too you know he's thinking about you know your life and you're the older you get and you're gonna keep or you're you're gonna still be doing this and you know you see your friends do i see my friends do it and i you know i'll drink and you know it's like oh man i'm back to saying you know going back to that same lifestyle sometimes and i just well that's the next topic we got the next topic that i had to change i was just talking to somebody last night about this. My brother was on the phone with me and he asked me some questions about some shit

about a particular person or something. I go, no, I haven't spoken to that person in years and he asked me why not? And I said, because my relationship with that person was strictly cocaine.

Right. Buying? No, I wasn't why I remember. It wasn't a dealer. It was a chemical. Somebody I had grown up with or somebody I had You know, and I said to him, you know, it's weird. And I hate to say this on the podcast, but someday you'll have to do it when it's a, you know, you, you know how they say you have growth spurts when you're a kid. Yeah, okay. Like Dennis Rodman had like a seven-inch growth spurt when he was 19 years old.

Oh, really? Yeah. It's the weirdest thing. We have growth spurts in life. Okay. Part of that growth is looking around, you know. And in 2007, I actually had a look around when I got off the Coke and see who was working and who wasn't working. What was working and wasn't working.

It's a tough decision to make. Especially when you're a person like me that cares about his friends. But you also have to care about your future. This is what I want to do. Right. So these are, don't worry about it. In 66. He got clean at 66.

No, in 16. I'm just trying to see how old he was. Well, he died, like, what, in 80? Were he Charles? Oh, that's not that show. Oh, yeah, at 66, yeah, I'm guessing. That's crazy. He got clean at 66 years ago?

I think so. I'm, it's hard to find him. Yeah, something like that, 64. Don't worry about it. Okay. Just to prove a poor. I just didn't want to be that. Right.

I knew that if, at 64, if I was still doing Coke, right. I saw Joe Diaz with no hair, no teeth. You know, I saw Joe Diaz that was 400 pounds. I knew nothing would get better. Right. So that's when I started thinking about being, getting sober, trying. Right.

You know, like how the fuck can I live a couple lives? Like, I have a couple friends now that are hitting our age. Right. And they're still drinking like, you know, it's 1988. And they have no successes in their life. I can tell they're not happy. Some of them, we just fell by the wayside. Right.

because a lot of things what happens now also is that people like hey man I was tight with you for years doing comedy and now I'm not even in your fucking world right in your radar anymore I'm still like an open micer that's why I lost them because

we just don't really you know you lose them but there was two things for me to get clean right and there was a point with comedy that I said I got to take all these people out of the road of right they're just they just bringing me down I know like three people in particular

like the name but I wouldn't because it was like three agents in particular three people who had all the potential to help me here I was friends with them I was kissing their ass I would work hard for them or whatever and we weren't getting nowhere and one day I said you know what not only am I not going to work with them no more I'm cutting them out because they're a kiss of death they got this guy on the roster or this guy on the roster you know I I don't want to be at the same roster of Screech. You know, so who do you got?

Joe Diaz, Pablo, and Screech. Yeah. I'll call you back tomorrow. You know, I just... No problem, X. For me to make these leaps in life, you have to leave some luggage behind. Right.

And sometimes luggage is people. Sometimes you can't take those people with you. You can't take them with you. And even though you love them, whatever... You party, but it's the only thing you have in comedy is party. That's it. That's it. That's it.

And then doing... For comedy. There's no comedy. not sucking your dick, that I'm doing nothing. Right. I'm not coming over there. Yeah, all I'm getting a call is for this, and that's it, the rest of the time.

And I lost, you know, 20 of those people. Oh, yeah, okay. And people that I actually loved, but I still think about today, and I know they're still doing it. It's not like kids I grew up with, nothing like that. It's people that I met along the journey.

That every time I would go to Pittsburgh, they would show up with an eight ball. Every time I would show up to Nashville, they would show up with an eight ball. every time I showed up to Atlanta they would show up on an eight boy every time I showed up into Miami they brought oh yeah after ship you know there were certain people in every market that I had that like and it was rough to say them no I'm coming in and I'm going out and they're like what am I gonna see you not really well don't

you want to point I got this chick that lets me fucker in front of people I really don't you know I had all that creepiness yeah I had pounds of treatment this you know it's not even peer pressure it's It's just, I mean, they expect, you know, hey, listen, I'm going back to the hotel. They can't even take that. No, I had this success of, the only success I had was in finding cocaine. I was like a successful treasure on. That's the only success I ever had.

There was a period there where I would bump into cocaine even if I didn't want it. It was like a curse. Wow. Like, you really wanted? We're going to give it things. Everybody I met had coke. I'd go to an airport, get a flight delay, and the guy nextman would say, you want to, want a bump tell me you don't have a bump not only do I have a bump I got a half ounce

on me it would delay for nine hours you know I got a thousand of those stories getting delayed in Aspen in Denver and having to put your coke in the locker what this and then put taking like a grandma at the time she's going to go to the bar and snore because in those days the airports didn't close yeah the bars were open 24 hours in an airport till five they were closed for one hour they were close for one hour for the janitor to come and wipe down the bar and steam And another bartender would come and see you would buy six beers and just sit down until 6 a.m. God, that was a day.

Those were the days. Your flight's at eight. You're gonna sleep on the flight. You gotta sleep on the flight. I mean, it was crazy. It was a crazier world. But, uh. So like a year in, how often are you feeling the urge to be like, fuck it, let's just

get some more coke? A year in, you're still skittish. Are you skittish? Yeah, I get skittish. Yeah, I get skittish, you know, big time, man. For me, listen, I'm going to be honest with you. This is, because for everybody, it works differently. Do I believe in the 12-step program?

I fucking do 100%. Right, absolutely. Whether it's food, whether it's gambling, whether it's, you know why? Because you get to be around people who have the same problems with you and they have the answers to your questions. One of those persons, one of those meetings. It's going to get some. have the answer to your questions trust me I went to a thousand those meetings I

didn't want to go to man if I tell you that sometimes I was bored that's the truth but I got to tell you that sometimes I took some great info out there yeah first of all I stopped feeling pity for myself because even though I was homeless this motherfucker lost a lightball you know he did so much coke his fucking nose collapsed oh guy you know I mean so when you go to you know you playing a gazoo right through his concept of it. I remember one time when I went to one of the first times I went to Weight Watchers. Right. The girl

said to me, she goes, if you think these are bad and Ollie would go to the control groups they call them or something. It was like Wednesday night. It wasn't a woman's group. It was like a Weight Watchers group. Right.

And I went down there and I was the fattest guy in the room when I felt good when I left because I heard people crying. and I could tell that these people go home at night and he did the whole bag of cool yeah like they're crying even though they go home I don't know what we're doing you know what you're fucking doing

you're going home at night you're in a whole box of fucking donuts that's what you're doing you know and you know so going to a 12 step I think is great for anybody it wasn't going to work for me like I knew I wasn't going to go to the meetings I knew that one day I'm going to go fuck all you motherfucker you know

I just worked the 12 steps without going to meetings. I did the evaluation. I did step four. Right. I did all those things. You know, I gave myself up to a higher God. You know, once I started doing those things, I started doing those things in my life. I took those 12 steps and I worked them in different aspects of my life.

Again, you can't apologize to everybody. Right. But you can apologize to most people and they'll take your apology. And that takes a ton of weight off your shoulders. time you know yeah you know I called all those club owners that are probably still waiting for me at the airport yeah yeah it's uh keep the club open till nine tell them if the shows you can't my week's pay man you just crazy I remember guys going so are you gonna be here or not I would be playing with them at this point

yeah yeah my plane's coming at 840 all right we'll push the show back till 9 just can't you can't be this dumb once the guy's not there at 4 cancel right but Go, go, go. Tomorrow night, sorry, people. We'll give you a 15 back. We'll give you a coupon off to come see Ralph Carey, play the drums, or whatever the fuck it is. How long did it take you to earn that trust back for some of those clubs?

50% of those clubs aren't even around. Oh, okay. Okay. The other 50%, it took a while. It took a while. It took a while. It's showing up with other people. Sorry, you're not going to hire me anymore as a personal thing.

But if I see Pablo's down now, I'll come down and when Pablo's there, I won't drink, I'll do 20 minutes for Pablo, and I'll get my car and go. It took about two years. And then the guy from then, from the improv called me, like in 2009. Right. And he said, well, you start a room here. And I go, well, they're mad at me. And he goes, I'll take care of that.

And the rest was history. There was never a problem there anymore once I got off the Coke. It's crazy how, like, something that's so, like, just a night can like fuck up years of your life. Yeah, well, yeah, it's heavy stuff sometimes those nights, you know. It could be a manager just starting and he's giving out refunds. You know, he's going to like that too much. And, yeah, it's just your word and your promises you make to these guys just about, you know,

I'm going to be right there and you don't show up. Yeah, it gets. And we do a tough job. Again, I'm not patting myself in the back, breaking my hand to pat myself in the back. But we go to a place that's called The Road. And the road is a great place to do comedy and for musicians and stuff. But it also has a lot of pitfalls. Yes.

What pitfalls? Pitfalls are, you know, me, Pablo, Artie Lang. Once the word gets out that you party, people come to those shows with the intention. you can say anything on the radio you can just say get some thorough and all you'll have it

yeah you know I've had people say to me I've been on the road for 20 years and not one time if I gotten Coke talk about it on the radio

yeah I haven't done coke him four days but I'm ready to rock and everybody will laugh and giggle but there's some motherfucker at the house going

I know exactly what he's talking about absolutely yeah I'm going down and bring him some shit to kill his way And next thing, you know, and women, you know, women show up with coke, with drugs or whatever, you know. And I've had road stories where you tunnel drop, women who've shown up with dates.

Yeah. Combination drugs, too. You get crystal in there. Yeah, they'll say, I'm going back on an aisle. I mean, go drop, drop this fucking thing off and come back and get you with Coke. And it's, you see addiction. Like, I sit here, think about it now. You know, I always tell my book agent, I want to write a couple books.

I got a couple books in it because it took me, and I think every addict has this, that they look back at their drug use and go, I can write a book. Yeah. I'm the steps of the detox. You know, it's like when you quit smoking cigarettes, there's a guide somewhere. I think it's online. The seven first days, what happens within 24 hours, you don't smoke cigarette? What happens between 24 hours, 74 hours, 74 hours a week, three months, nine,

months, 12 years, they tell you what happens to you. Do you think you saved? Like, I know for a fact, Bob, that when I went up on, when I got high the night before, my comedy on stage the next day would also be 50-50. I felt it's disconnected. Yeah, it does take it away sometimes, man. It's kind of spooky.

You try to think about it, and then, it would take it away just when I would get on stage, And then I get it back. But yeah, I started finding out that I couldn't, you know, stay. I couldn't last too long, man. I was to do like 20 minutes, you know, when I was supposed to do a half hour or whichever. But, you know, it's just good God, man. And forgetting a lot of things, you know.

Did you ever get a high and go on staying? Oh, many times. The night before. Oh, yeah, many times. I had good stats. But, you know, did I have a good set? You know, sometimes I just go up there and just tell the jokes a little quick. I can jump into topic to topic, spin it around.

around get an idea write it down so I had other friends that were doing it too with me you know on the road and you know it would be it'd be like we challenge each other but then we drink and it was just a game of just you know that it wasn't a game it was just partying in June shows you know it's like it's incredible the people you meet there they come right in the green room they start partying you just come let them do it but like you know you're on stage during the first you'll go man I know they're doing bumps back there you know the second show comes okay I want to do bump with that And then everything starts changing.

How's your life changing the last year? Save money. I got money. No, but, and what else? You know, just my health is better. You know, I've got more strength. And, you know, the idea is coming a little bit more clear. But other than that, man, it's just, I'm still smoking cigarettes, you know, so just.

Listen, we all can't be 100% perfect. Yeah, but yeah, cigarettes. Okay, just remember. Listen. Cigarettes don't make you cancel a gig Cigarettes don't make you Get a jet Get a jet

You know Tooth Cigarettes don't make you do a lot of things That cocaine would You know the impulse That you get from doing coke Like right now Between you and I

I still have Three or four qualities left From doing coke That And I haven't done coke In 12 years Like after effects that sometimes I laugh when I'm doing.

You know, I have more control now in my body and my mind. I see some times that you have still after effects. Like there's still some residue, not with your speech, but with, yeah. Yeah, with my speech. My speech, I find myself, you know. I was always like that since I was third grade, but it's, I have noticed that, you know, I still haven't articulated some of my language. No, it takes time.

Yeah. I know that sometimes with your speech and with your, I have the same thing, the same little manic presence that you have. Because I noticed it. Yeah, and people, then you're making people nervous. I go, man, I'm feeling good right now.

I'm, you know, I'm journalized, but, yeah. Yeah, no, it takes, it takes a while to lose all those. Oh, absolutely. Listen, man, I'm happy you're putting it together. That's what I want. You know, there's a lot of people. that listen to these podcasts and they get different things from them

you know I think this is the one that hits home the hardest with this podcast is when people come on here and share their struggles to let people know that we put our pants out one leg at a time I don't ever want this podcast when I listen to a podcast

and I feel like I'm getting talked down to that's the end of my podcast that's the end of this podcast I've always wanted this podcast to let people know that you know it's like when Motley crew got clean. Right.

They went on the road with sober coaches and the guys cooked meals soon. You know, that costs $5,000. Oh, yeah, man, big time. That costs $5,000 a day. So for somebody who right now is in Ohio and is eating opiards, like, Joey, you're not doing nothing good for me. Right. You're talking about if I sat here and said,

call David Raphael. Yes. You know, he'll go everywhere with you and hold your hand. Not everybody is financially strapped. Oh, absolutely. To do that. I know a coach from here right now that is in New York with, you know, and he tells me these situations, he's a sober coach, a professional,

six-figure, a fucking year gangster. Right. Okay. But him and I have hard to hearts. Right. In fact, I know two guys. One of them is a comic, but I don't really know him as well to have hard to hearts. Right.

But the thing he tells me, about his sober coaching is it's like anything else he gets a lot of his biggest age group is 19 to 25 okay and it's rich parents yeah rich parents that not that that they've given up on the child but the child has put them through so much over the last five to six years car crashes yep debt theft whatever the fuck you know that he got they just want to a breather and they have these sober coaches you go to a meeting with every day and then sometimes he drops a urine on you yeah yeah he drops a urine on you he cooks for you he trains you i mean this guy gets big money

yeah you know he started here and now he's like nationally known you know so but not everybody could afford that you know oh yeah so you've been i don't know how many of rea had four or five yeah they never really seemed to work they just slow you down a little bit yeah they just slow the process down. And you learn what to tell them to get yourself out of them. Oh, yeah. You know what to tell them? Betty Ford turned into barely afford.

Yeah, barely afford. And you learn what to tell them to get out of there, but you and I both know that you're going to have Chico pick you up and he's taking it the first spot you're going to. It may not be the first spot. Maybe you'll get some tacos first to get the proper nourishment. But the second spot you're going to Is to fucking my man's house to pick up a package

How do I know? Because I've done it You know When I was in the halfway house I would have to go see a drug counselor I'd blow smoke a possess for an hour Right And I remember still going right from there The drug dealer's house

I'm going to this motherfucker You're celebrating because you went to the Yeah this guy didn't work today You know I went to acupuncture To deal with cocaine issues I told her the truth in the beginning Really And every week

She put a little needle in you. Yeah. She'd stick a needle in me. Oh, yeah. That you would take it to go. It was a needle that would stay in you for three days. What? Goes in your nerve?

Your cocaine nerve? It would go in your earlobe. It's like a staple, and she would leave it in there. Then it would fall out after three days. And I still remember snort and coke and be playing with it. Like going, Lord, please take this feeling away. And I would do a line of Coke and fucking hold on to my ear. But in a way, I learned about acupuncture.

Because if I was you, Pablo, I'd go to acupuncture. I'll tell you what. Because acupuncture helps you build up your chi. And if it helps you a little fucking chakra zones, and it builds up your chi. It's the chi. There's times I sit there at night. And I go, how the fuck did I get?

I tell you what else I still have from my cocaine days. What's that? The 8 p.m. anxiety. From 7.45. Would you get paranoid? You get to about 8.20. I get into a weird mood. A combination of death and future.

No, no. I just get into a, I get itself agitating. That's a little effect from my cocaine days. Because by 820, I wanted to know I had it. Or I was going to get it or it was on the way. Or it was in my pocket. Wow. For me to rest.

So till this day, from 7.45 to 8 fucking 20 at night. That's when is you? I just don't have to have. Like if my wife gets up from the living room too many times, I thought. Is it because you have an open window during that time? You could probably... Just don't know. That's the only...

And it's not like I'm getting up to go get blown. That's the least of my problem. Nothing like that. No. Nothing like that. Just it's the old anxiety I would get. Right. With the Coke.

You know, I'm not going to pick up the Coke at 10. It's New Year's. Right. It's New Year's. You're 20 years old. Right. Okay. You're 18.

What's the difference between New Year's when you're 19 and New Year's with you're 30? You don't start drinking at 2 in the afternoon. Right. You know what I am. So it's like, I would start getting excited about cocaine a quarter of eight. Once I knew, Lee picked it up from Pablo. That's right. The comedy store.

Unless he gets. It's blindsided by a truck. I'm getting my cocaine. That's it. My sweaty palms wouldn't be no more. I'd get in the shower happy. I'd watch my balls good. And I knew I was getting my package.

So take care of the anxiety. Do you write every day about your progress? You know, I don't stand you a journal. I don't do that. I just... I think it's time, Pablo. Maybe I should, but I hate the, you know... I look like, you know, those jeopardy contestants.

You know, I just draw like that, you know. I can't. It's just, yeah, type it out. You don't even type it out. Write it with your hand like you're in the sixth grade. All right. Today is my fucking year and a half. Here, cocaine.

Today, we met Arnold Swarys, yes. It's been two years. Yes, it's our last encounter. Yes, I like you, Joey. There's no line in you. They're right. Can I say that the rest of your organization, okay? Talking about Omar Swares.

You really got a good place. So, yeah. So what little scarface action? You're not allowed to watch Scarface either. You can't watch Scarface? Can I watch Caritas Way? There I was. Because you might go off the fucking deep end with Tony.

See, not even a lot of those. I don't even want you standing next to people with white suits on. You know what I'm saying? You never know. You might get a flashback from Vietnam. Yeah. You know, keep me posted. I want you on the show every six weeks.

Okay, man. If you relapsed, you let us know. because you're our own little human experiment. Right on, man. Our goal in the church is to keep Pablo sober. There you go. So from now and every time you do a show, there'll be a church representative

that they're reporting back to me. Because that's what they usually do. They report back to me. You know, watch out you guys have some spies. I have tons of spies, and they report back to me. That's ready to spy. And you're a great comic,

so they'll come watch it. Hey, man. They'll come watch and go, holy fuck. Get a urine test after this show. I was going to say they'll bring a urine test for you. You still got Pablo, Francisco. what is it, dot com. Pablofrancisco.com.

You go to my Twitter, Pablo underscore Francisco. Check me out. Come check me out at Ontario Improv this week too. It's gonna be fun. Thursday through Saturday. You do Sundays too.

You do Sundays too. We got two shows on. We have one on Thursday, two on Friday, two on Saturday. One on Sunday. You've always been a beat. I remember when they used to,

every cancellation and Irvine they gave you and I think I caught two of those feature actually. It was tremendous. It's fun, man. You work with Pablo and Irvine again. Nothing.

Why don't we just there last month? Yeah. But they fucking loved that was 98, Pablo. Wow. It seems like yesterday, man. It was yesterday. Yeah, it was yesterday, man. That's 21 fucking years ago.

God, damn. You were a kid, Pablo. Still got the 280 ZX, too. He gave me work, and I still love you for it. That all, man. You still got the 280? Still got the 280s? What years is it?

280X is 81, and I still got that bad boy, rebuilt the engine. Looking sweet. Do you drive it? Yes, I do. But not today. Full time? No, not full time. Just, you know, sometimes in Melrose and, you know, take it back.

But it was my pizza, my pizza car, you know, so it's looking good. Runs great. Go here right to New York in no time. So it's all good, man. Keep telling yourself that. Right on, bro. I'll get to New York. You'll break down in Kansas City when you're crying.

What am I going to do? And then you're done. Once you're breakdown in Kansas City, or you need to see a black guy with that looking. his eye. You're done. There you go, man. You end up in a fucking crack haven. Yeah. Crack. I go, God. You want to rock or you want an outdoor? You got to look

at things from the bright side from time to time. You know what I'm saying? Don't forget to go see my man, Pablo over in on... Did I say Pablo? Yeah, Pablo. Over in the Ontario Improv this weekend. Me, I got Dick. I got the Omaha Funny Bone, the 9th and the 10th of

fucking November. And then we got Miami Thanksgiving weekend the 29th and 30th. There's still tickets left for the second show at Town Hall in New York City. That's it for the year. You motherfuckers are fuck. If you don't come see me

in either Omaha Nebraska. I don't know how far Omaha is out of your way. The other place, the Miami Improv, Thanksgiving weekend or the Town Hall in New York City. Go get your tickets. But, before we

go anywhere I got to talk to people about something like I told you before the show started that you know sometimes I run heavy and I got to tell you something the thing that covers me the most the thing that's made a big difference is CBD line and I use the tension under my tongue at night before I go to sleep I sleep better I don't get up last night I went to bed at 12 and I got up a fucking quarter of eight and I hadn't gotten up at all night I slept steady and that's CBD line, whether it's the tincture, I go with those raspberry gummies, any of the gummies, whether

it's the strawberry, the oranges, they're fucking delicious, you're gonna love them. Do me a favor. Listen, go to their website. They got third-party test lab results so you know what you're getting. This isn't some fucking liquors for CBD or this isn't, you get CBD, you can check cash in place.

This is the real deal, holy fear. You're getting that from your uncle Joey. So go to CBD lion.com right now, pressing church and get 20% off your first order. Also, bitches, I don't know what else to tell you. Listen, if you found the yard sick on the street, would you pick it up or would you keep walking like the mook that you are? You'd pick it up.

So why do you keep picking winners and you're not fucking betting on them? You had a feeling Houston was going to come back. You knew it, but you don't get the fucking balls. That's why I go to my bookie. It's fast, it's easy, and they pay when you win. I mean, let's face it. Where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on. If you're trying to bet on the NFL, baseball, MMA, whatever, my bookies got it.

I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them if they weren't the best. Now, do the smart thing if you're going to get bet football, basketball season, which is right now, bet with my bookie. Do you know you can still bet on games after they fucking start? Listen, if you're the type of guy or woman that likes to bet a little and win a lot, Try a parley. If all your picks come through, you'll multiply your winnings. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

No matter how you bet the NFL season has that time of the year. You got NBA, NFL, college, fucking NHL, UFC. You got this weekend, Diaz versus Mazdivar. You got, you know, you got a bunch of shit. This is it. MyBooky.org. Right now. Today, bitch, start your account with a deposit.

they're going to double your first deposit. Use promo code church. CHUR-C-8 to get a 100% bonus on your initial deposit, up to $1,000. Who the fuck is going to do that for you? MyBooky.ag. Today, right now, go to mybooky.orgie.org and don't forget to use promo code church. Why?

Because you play, you win, you get motherfucking paid. That's my bookie. M-Y-B-B-O-O. O-K-O-K-I-E. That A-G. Grab that fucking pen. My bookie, you play, you win,

you get paid. Listen, let me tell you something. We're living in a society that everybody's trying to get healthy. If you want to get healthy, you can start with this. Ready?

Grab a pen. Athletic Greens. You're like Joey, what's athletic greens? It's an awesome supplement that gives you a big dick swinging energy all day long. If you're not starting your day,

off of the blast of vitamins, you already lost a war. Go back to bed. Why are you bothering people with your bad attitude? But if you want to feel tip-top of goo, let athletic greens do the dirty work. You're like, Joey, what's athletic greens? In one scoop, you get 75 essential, vitamins, minerals, prebiotics, probiotics, digestive enzymes, raw superfoods, mushrooms, the whole foods.

They got everything. No more pill bottles are trying to choke down a dozen apples. It's all in there. The best part, the powder comes in an easy-to-use travel pack. I love this, guys. When I'm on the road, you throw them in my bag, just like the ones Pablo sent me, and I'll be protected. You drink athletic greens. It's like a daily insurance policy between you and your body. I drink this, then I have a little fun. You guys see me on stage. You're like, where do you get that energy at 57? Athletic greens, and you can relax because their ingredients are all plant-based. If you're on keto or gluten-free, you can take this.

No chemicals, no artificial flavors, no artificial preservatives, no sweetness, no added sugars, no GMOs, no herbicides, pesticides, wheat. I know leaves not even wheat this week. Dairy, gluten, corn, lactose, you name it. They don't got it. No animal products. No egg, no yeast, no peanuts. Guys, you need to take care of yourself. and that's why I recommend supplements to everybody.

It's easy. Just add cold water and shake it up. That's it. You can take that banana and shove it up your fucking ass. What are you waiting for? Athletic Greens. Listen, the church family today gets a special offer, right? 20 free travel packs valued at $79 with your first purchase.

That's it. Jump over, Athletic Greens. Grab a pen. A-T-H-L-E-T-I-C. Greens.com. Church. That's it. Get your travel packs today.

That's athletic greens. com slash church. Athletic greens. Fucking tremendous. And when you take a shit, you're going to see what I'm talking about. I want to thank my bookie. I want to thank Athletic Greens.

I also want to thank CBDLion.com for being the animals that they are. And I want to thank my brother Pablo Francisco for coming in and rocking this motherfucker. Don't forget to set your DVRs for Wednesday. I'm going to be on David Spade show. Wednesday night, tape it, live it, fucking love it. If I don't see you in Omaha, I'll see you in Miami.

Stay black, have a great fucking Tuesday, and tell them all to suck your dick. Uncle Joey sent you. Kick this fucking meal league. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who leave you to learn that misery loves company company

wait and see I need to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to fit let's see if a puzzle fits so fine and that's when I'll discover

that revenge is sweet as I sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you