The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #734 - Rudy Sarzo

Episode Date: November 6, 2019

Rudy Sarzo, a favorite on the podcast, a Bass player who has played with, Ozzy Osbourne, Whitesnake, and Dio, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Athletic Greens - Get 20 free travel packs worth $79 when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/church   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your portable bidet.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

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Do me a favor. Lee. Kick this motherfucker mule. It's Wednesday. The sixth of November. I got Rudy Sarzo fresh off a fucking physical. You understand me?

His body's making blood as we speak. I got the Christ killer here. We're ready to go. And you got your Uncle Joey on a Wednesday, motherfucker. Or Thursday morning, whenever you listen to this. And remember, you walk alone.

I walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams When the city sleeps And I'm the only one And I walk along Oh shit I walk alone I walk along

What's happening You bad motherfucker There's Uncle Joe here With my main number one Fucking Cuban The man of the hour Rudy Sars What's my man

What happened We were talking about Let me tell you something I I met a guy He was Jewish Nicest Jewish guy You could have a meet

Nicer than Lee Nice of Lee Oh my goodness He's older. And the conversation was great. Until he said, you know, I don't know if he knows, but my wife is African-American. And I'm like, you dirty Jew bastard.

I knew it. I knew it. You love that dark meat cocks, like just not on Hanukkah. But it was funny how, you know, some people like certain women, you know. I love being Cuban. I love Cuban people. I'm very proud of my heritage.

One thing I did not like since day one. You ready? Was those fucking sweet 16s? Back in Senneeda. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I went to one. Oh, yeah.

That was it. Here? I mean, in Cuba? No, I went to Union City. One. One. That tuxedo with the 18 guys and tuxedos and chicks and dresses. Yeah.

And that grandmother's there and you got to dance six inches apart. Listen, I'm going to touch some tities and grab some bullsies. You understand? Yeah. And grab some asses. I don't want, and then grandma's watching you with a microscope and fucking binoconon. I hated that shit. If I look back in my childhood,

there's the pussy things I did. There's two things I did. The pussy is that I can't even get mad at people for it because I have to live with this. I went on two dates with a girl that had to take a grandmother, a Cuban grandmother. And the grandmother sat in between us. Let me tell you something.

Till this day, I remember that. And if I knew what I knew now, I would have got up and smacked the grandmother and pulled the granddaughter out of there like Narcos, did you see Narcos? He used to kidnap the girlfriend, the Mexican one. He used to, Rafa, he used to kidnap the girlfriend, that's what I would have done with her.

I don't ever want to go on a date with a fucking chaperone. Like, it still irks me today. Like, she's on Facebook, and I won't even be friends with her. Yeah, yeah. Just because she made her grandmother. And then she didn't do it, because she was all in, too. She was crazy like me.

The grandmother, in those days you had to ask the mother, then the mother said, I don't have the time, but grandma go with you. And you're sitting there like, your heart on dies your nut sack dies your heart dies chaperones were the reason why I was

a virgin until I was 19 years old oh yeah you couldn't get rid of no it's impossible but what's ironic is now if you take a look at your old girlfriend she's turning to her mom so right now she looks

exactly like a chaperone the same girl that you dated you know when she was 18 and you were 18 you know going to high school together you know, in Miami. Because I've been in elevators, you know, and they don't know that I speak Spanish. You know, they'll take a look at me,

a guy who's hippie with long hair, you know. And they start talking about me. They're going to say, look that's, me, see, look, me, me,

me, me, me, me, me, you know, and then I get off the elevator and say, well,

well, good a noche, sejona, you know. They freeze. They freeze. I have no idea, you know.

Is that your favorite thing to do about? If I knew another language, I would just go around trying to smile and smile and people. But I got a kick out of that, you know, because to me, leaving Miami was my second exile. You know, first I left Cuba, then I went to Miami, and that was, I got to get out of here. Is that how you felt in Miami? Oh, I still do. I can only take Miami.

You know, I go there to see my mom like three or four days, and then I got to get out. What was your total living time, man? My, ah, I, we arrive in 61. We left in 63 to New Jersey, West, West New York, you know, your hood. Then we left in 66. We went back to Miami again, and I was there for like 10 more years until disco came in. What didn't you like about that at that time? What I didn't like about it?

Well, first of all, you know, back in 19, when I left in the 70s, was still that mentality that you're Cuban. you're not supposed to be doing certain things. Right, I lived with that. 70s was tough. Early 70s to be a Cuban first generation, first generation, as they call them. Yeah. Was very tough.

It was their rules were fucking. They had rules. They had rules. A lot of rules. That's a big problem. I'm telling me about rules. I don't want to know about fucking rules. I had those rules and they were even harder on me

until I went home in the fifth grade. When I got out of Catholic school, my mom came around, and she goes, I don't want to bang heads with you. I'm done. So we're going to do it your way, and if it works, we'll do it your way. The minute it doesn't work, it goes back to my way. And that was communist measures. That's communist measures, you know, for anybody who doesn't know. I mean, you know, I didn't, I tell stories.

and I got hit. Yeah, I got hit. But the number one punishment I was made to do is right. Lines. I will not call my mother a fuck. You know, I'm not saying I ever did, but little things. I will not play ball in the house. Yeah. And I would have to sit there for hours and the eyes had to be under the eyes perfectly.

And the wills had to be perfectly. Wow. And I would sit there for two, three days. Like get home from school at three, Eat lunch and go right to the notebook. I sit there until dinner and after dinner for two hours. And then my mom would be waiting for an apology. And in my world, there was no fucking apology.

I'd rather write these fucking lines than apologize. Now I felt at that age. But then somebody would come over, and as Cubans call it, that they don't have to wire. Okay? That means they throw in the top of you. So let's say I'm mad at mercy. And Rudy comes over.

I leave the room. Rudy sits with mercy and says, hey, what's going on with you? Nothing. My dad, and you go, listen, I grew up with your dad. I know he is. Just tell him you sorry. And you want to keep writing. And I go, no.

And they go, okay, call your mother. Ma, come in here. And my mom would come in. And I'd have to look at her and say, I'm sorry for breaking the dolls. And she'd go, next time you do this, this is the penalty. You know, my daughter lost her jacket at school. I give my daughter 40 bucks a month to do the podcast, $10 a week. I give a 40.

I make a signed paperwork. I put it through the whole fucking deal. You know me. I give it to her an envelope. I make it through the whole deal. A mother bought her a school jacket. She wanted a hooded sweatshirt. She lost that to school.

The mother charged a 30 bucks yesterday. She was crying for an hour. Took it out of her piggy bank. That's it. That's how I was raised. You know, you didn't know a value of a dollar. So it was, it was. I had rules growing up, but you couldn't.

And then, let me tell you where there was more rules. In North Bergen, there were unspoken rules. Couldn't get an earring, couldn't get a tattoo, no long hair. It was very well known in North Bergen, like the basic rules of North Perrigan. They were underwritten, but they were very basic. The kid died about six weeks ago. from North Perrigan.

I'm friends with his wife today, and his wife came to my show on Rascals. And she goes, when I hugged her, I go, I'm sorry about whatever. And she goes, my husband always loved you. He said you were a real man because your sophomore year,

he broke up with a girl, and you went to him before you asked her out. And I did. My sophomore year, I went to this tough motherfucker. I go, hey, you guys have been broken apart for a month. There's a word on the street that her and I could click. Are you okay with this?

And I could see his teeth. he turned Pam. And he goes, I still love her. And I go, listen, you're apart for a month. And he goes, well, you do what you got to do. And I put my hand out. I go, I'm just here to tell you, I'm going to take her out of that date. I don't want no problem.

I put my hand down. That's what men did. That's how I was raised. Like, that was the code in that town. That town was very codish. You know, some kid hit me last night. You know, when we were kids, we were raised to do everything the best. Like, we went to hashways.

there was no fast food you didn't eat at that place you didn't set foot in that place you know that's just the way it is you lived off discipline a certain discipline and I carried that discipline out here like I'm a regular I'm not a bagel head

you'll never hear me going to pizza I don't care I'm here and I'm not here for the fucking pizza anyway I'm here for a dream or not here for a bagel but when it comes to food I'm very traditional Cuban you know

you got to have to have this shit some way or I don't want it I rather not have second best you know it's like some guy said to me that's not on Twitter well I want to take you to church at Popeyes I wouldn't walk into fucking Popeyes I wouldn't walk in I made a mistake one time I was sick for four fucking days I'll never do it again I go I'm a chick filet guy goes chick filet is a better sandwich but don't you want to taste the Popeyes just to compare it I go why would I fuck with the best it's the best the best. I'm going to

Popeyes. Last time I went to the skin off the chicken, I could see four toes. The breast was a guy's foot. You could see it. Didn't take a genius. I wish I was lying to you. It was like a fucking foot. That they had cut at the ankle, not at the ankle, at the at the inso, and they deep-fried it. That's what it looked like. I never went back in there. Never again.

And then my daughter wanted one in there with my wife. I thought my wife can't bring her in here, gee. Yeah, but it's a kid. You can't bring her in here. we don't eat that shit we don't do that we don't we don't balet vu franca when it was a kid in Cuba in the 50s the fast food will come to you we had guys with carts and it would be like they had either had a bell or they had their pre gong which is like their slogan you know we singing manicero you know selling peanuts or whatever you know and the best chick filet type sandwiches, pan en panizado, bitheen panisal, or poir umpaniasau, which is like breaded, breaded,

right there made fresh, and this little cart, this guy's pushing this cart along the street, you know, and he's got it like a, like a grill, you know, like a hibachi grill. The Mexicans now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was our fast food. Yeah, but they don't move to you. No, no, no, these guys move around. They walk around. Yeah, yeah, that's badass.

Yeah, and they're like yelling out, letting everybody in the neighborhood that he's coming. Yeah, and my mom had a basket with a rope and she would put the money in there, put the basket down with the rope, and the guy would put, take the money and put the sandwich, and she will take the basket right up. And that was her, you know, that was her fast food, you know, and it was amazing, fresh, and it had soul. Because the guy will be singing along with it, you know. If I could have a basket hanging out of my window, I would never leave the house. I would never leave the house. It was a balcony. I don't care.

I would never leave the house every day. Yeah, they come to you. The ice cream guy, granizawa, you know, where you're saying shave eyes, you know, with that jizz on it. And, yeah. And they, you know, all that, peanuts, oysters, oyster cart. Oysters already prepare with the sauce and everything, you know. Othione. Othione.

Othione. Yeah, oyster. Yeah. I don't like those fucking things. Yeah. What Cuban rules didn't you like that you felt? Well, you know, it wasn't as much as my family had rules. It was more, I mean, you know, my mom had some guide, you know, of course, you know, guidance and things you can do.

You cannot do. For example, she had the law that if my brother and I, we were fighting, you know, over anything, you know, stupid things that kids do. She would hit us with the belt both. Not one, but whoever, whoever, if you were guilty, you're going to get hit and if you were not guilty, yeah. You were going to get hit too. Yeah, everybody got hit. So that was like a main rule, you know, in our house. So you didn't tell anymore.

You know, so we didn't fight over anything, you know. And, you know, but it was more cultural, social rules, you know, that if you went out into the streets and you were in and you were facing Miami as a culture, an extension of Cuba, you know, you still had those rules that they were applied to you in Cuba, but in Miami. And they really did not apply anymore in Miami. You know, but because it's part of the United States. So it was a, I found it very tough for some people to assimilate early on first generation

Cubas. My family, for example, they had like a cutoff point. If it was like across the street from Flagler where they live, that was Coral Gables. They won't go there because that's. Coral Gables. They wanted to live in the northwest Esauway and northwest. You know, that was more like a Cuban

territory. So they had that cutoff. You know, that was the rule. Don't go to Coral Gables. You'll get lost. It's a lot of white people there. They'll know. They're not going to help you get back home,

basically. My rules, I couldn't. The rules of the house for me, that O'Ekaya, I wasn't allowed to repeat what I heard in the house, but the three monkeys were everywhere. All right. You know, and they cover their eyes. You know, I couldn't do.

And then when Juan came into the picture, he brought even more rules because he was the ultimate machismo Cuban man, The guy that, you know, he wouldn't be in a room with a man that was gay. If he was in a room, a gay man walked in, he'd walk out. Exactly, yeah. Not allowed to drink in public. Can't let nobody drink in public. Very no flash.

You have to confuse the people or who you are. Don't let them, you know, he was always confusing people. So he brought different rules into my life, you know. We weren't allowed to talk on the phone about anything. Like, even if I knew something, I wasn't. allowed to I'll never forget them pulling up one day and meet getting into a beef I had to be maybe mercy's age six and getting into a beef outside and the cop broke it up and me talking to the cop my mother coming up and be going don't say two words that if a motherfucker you know you're not

allowed to talk to cops it was like so there were so many fucking rules in my house growing up that it was confusing and I kept to them like I never repeated the life I was living inside my house. But one of the positive rules that my mother had was I was not allowed to speak Spanish outside the house. In the house, she wanted me to speak Spanish. She's, I still remember us having that conversation that she didn't want to raise no fucking Ricky Ricardo with an accent. That your accent has to be American. You're an American. You know, my rules, the plan for me was laid out. You know, these Arabs complain. I left because they wanted me to marry my cousin. Well, I had the same rules. I wasn't going to marry my cousin. Oh, no, they pretty

much had a woman for me to marry. It was her goddaughter. That was the plan that I married her goddaughter. So they always pushed us together when we were kids. But my mother's plan was high school, the service, Elahedse, though, because she wanted to get back to the country, what the country had done for her. So she wanted me to do four years, then go to college, then go to law school. That That was the plan. That's why when I got left back in the seventh grade, I'm like, her plan's not going to work out because I can't even make it out of the seventh grade. I'm so fucking stupid. So that was her plan. That was it. I knew in high school that I was going to go into the army. Like she was going to force me into the army. Like there was no way about it.

That was her main goal. You're giving this country four fucking years for what they did for us. And even though she was in numbers and she on the bar and she was a drunk, those were her principles. So it's really weird the rules I had growing up. I couldn't wear my hair a certain way. I couldn't part it. What side do Cubans part the hair on? A Cuban man has to, yes, on the left side. If you part it on the right side, that means you're a fag. So there once in a while I would experiment with my hair, and I'd fucking comb it to the right side, and I go to breakfast, and she'd go, what are you, Rock Hudson? And I go, what are you talking about? She'd go, put your hand on the other side before I smack you.

Remember in the 70s it was popular to wear a scarf with a little bow and you tighten it? I was always sweating in Miami. In the 70s, there was a style that you put a scarf around your neck and it was just a little circle. And you took the circle and put the scars

and it was like a hippie movie for a while. I'll never forget the first time I put one of those things on. I went to the living room. She just looked up and she was like, what are you a fag? Take that off right now. You're embarrassing me. You know what I'm saying? Like shit like that.

Yeah. It wasn't allowed. Like, if you were laying on the floor, I was not allowed to cross my mother's body. So she's laying on the floor. Oh, okay. On her stomach watching TV. Cubans are not allowed to cross the body because that means that in a cemetery. Yeah.

You have to walk around them. Yeah. You couldn't say. The word cancer in my house. Yeah, yeah. My mother would spin on herself. Yeah, yeah. So whenever somebody would say cancer, she'd go,

yeah, yeah, and she'd spit on herself, and you're like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You know, it was just so many basic little things. And I forget half of them. Like, I forget three quarters of them now. Yeah. But there were just so many fucking rules I had that were ridiculous. Yeah.

I mean, you know, I, just like you, I love my parents, and I'm grateful for them because everything that I am today is because of them, you know, all the sacrifices and everything. But there was a lot of funny shit, you know, going on, you know. It's like when we first got to Miami and then 61, my dad, first thing he got was a TV with the first paycheck. He started on credit, you know, back in the day old Keyless had credit, you know, and credit cards and stuff.

And we got a TV. And so on Sunday, whenever football came on television, And my mom said, you know, we didn't have football in Cuba, you know, American football, you know. And she sees like these guys wearing like tights and they're close to each other. And one guy's got his hands underneath the other guy's leg to grab a ball. And she goes, no, no, no, no, no, no Quito, you know, I want you to watch this. This is, this is wrong. So there was no football in my house.

I was sling with my life. All those men with tight pants on and touching each other, no. We don't want that. No, I could just see it. Yeah. The machismo was so high, even with moms. Mom credited, because moms knew the torture their kids were going to get. If they, you know, Cuban, the 50s and 40s was very anti-gay.

And when Fidel took over, it was even more anti-gay. I think pretty much the whole world was pretty anti-gay back then, yeah. For Cubans, I've read stories. of there was a time in Cuba where it was such a disgrace that the neighbors would talk to parents into taking a child shark fishing and throwing them off the boat you know in the Celia crew story they killed her brother or her nephew because he was gay yeah you know it was a different time in Cuba to be gay you know it wasn't like flamboy but rock Hudson went down there every weekend and was gay in Cuba and they accepted you know Marlon brand know this stories about

while in Brando going down to Cuba and being gay, you know. And I remember being a kid and hearing Cubans telling me about different personalities. And I go, how the fuck do you know about this? And they go, because when I was a kid, they would come to Cuba. And we were kids. We would follow them around. When Michael Jackson, remember when Michael Jackson put the kid outside the window and a thousand people outside?

That's what would happen in Cuba when, like, a celebrity would go to a hotel. The Nacional or something like that. they would, people would get the word around town, who was ever in town, you know, whoever was big at that time, you know, Sinatra. You know, when Sinatra was at the National or whatever, they were fucking 200 Cuban skinny chicks outside waiting a sucker's date. Yeah.

You know, he would pick them and choose them, you know. If you read the book of Venonachturn, it talks about him being in Cuba a lot and sexual fucking prowesses that he had down there. That motherfucker was going crazy. Yeah. recently this this man Walter Mercado yes died yeah he passed away you know and you know he was like a big huge huge presence in Miami in the 60s you know I mean you took a look at the guy

and we you know all the you know what was made fun of him you know because everything his manner is in the way he dress you know I'm all yeah yeah and it's obviously his sexual orientation was not in question but but when they announced you know the local Los Angeles anchor person you know was talking about his background and everything announcing his passing and and then he mentioned and and that his lifestyle his sexual preference was never mentioned that he never came out and I'm thinking did he have to come out no you have to come out you know it's obvious and who cares really you know I know I know thing going back to that

when I was a kid, you know, I was into music. And you know, you were a kid and you were going like, wow, you know, I tried the trumpet first and I tried trombone. I was just going down the instruments, you know, until eventually I got a guitar. But in between that, I thought maybe piano. Piano, you know, this sounds great. I can play rock and roll. Then I can play, you know, some classical music, jazz is music, you know. And my mom would say, oh, no, no.

Oh, no. The piano is not for men. to play. She knew a lot of, you know, gay piano players in Cuba. And she thought that the instrument was going to turn you gay. If I play it. It's crazy. Was it a Cuban culture thing or was it a Catholic thing or a mix?

Or like, what did you think? I think it was reference, reference that she had. Because one of my aunts was actually a casino lounge singer in Miami. I'm sorry, in Cuba, in Havana. You know, all those casinos, all those hotels, they had casinos in Havana. You know, that was the normal thing, you know. So her, the guy that would accompany her was gay, you know, the feet, and she had like, like, like two or three piano players that would accompany my aunt and they're all gay.

So my mom's reference at the time was like, well, all these guys that play piano, they're gay. So the instrument must turn you gay. Don't play piano. It was, uh, they had the list. stuff the other night they had a semi list up of Cuban rules and people are howling like can't take a shower they take a shower after you eat yeah jump in the pool for an hour and then would stick to the rule and you're a kid in Miami at the hotel trembling you're counting the can I go in now no an hour after you eat like I take showers all the time now I've

right after I yeah the showers I take when I got a sandwich in my hand and I still have a fucking died my mom would not pick up the phone if it's for raining in Miami because there might be lightning. And even if you have a wireless, you know, not a cell phone, but a wireless phone, you know, cordless phone in your house, she will not pick it up because she thinks that she's going to electrocute it, you know, hit hit by lightning, you know. Rules. These are the rules. And I grew up with that. You cannot eat, you cannot go in the shower after you eat for so many hours because you get a calamary, which is a, a, a, a, a,

You go a cramp. You're going to get a cramp and you're going to die. In the shower? Yeah. Yes. Yes. All the pool. Oh, yeah.

Well, the pool, I had the pool one, but the shower one I never heard before. They were torment. It's like, no matter how ridiculous something is, my mom will always say to me, she will say it, and then she'll go, es posse, you know, it's possible. I think the craziest Cuban thing I ever saw was I was living in Colorado and our vassive. 93 I had just moved back and I reconnected with a friend of my families his name was Al Cuello he could be dead now he was a character like he took me to see kiss rehearsed when I was like five in New York City and I didn't even know it you know he

when I see him he always say you remember I took you to see kiss tell your friends I don't know if it was kiss I don't fucking know you know but you kids were from Long Island, they would do little bars, and he took me to a rehearsal one day. And he had girlfriends and, you know, whatever. And then I lost contact with him. And I rekindle my contact with him. I met him selling cars. Somebody told me, he's a Cuban guy from Jersey that sells cars at Douglas Toyota. So I went over there and they go, what's your name? He goes, Ow. And we started talking like, oh, my God, I grew up with you. You know, where parents knew each other. and he goes, you know, stay with me.

So I moved in with him when I came back from Jersey and his aunt was coming. Mita. Mita and Mago. He had two ants. And I'll never forget that. We picked the aunt up. And she took the metal tray

and took a pig. Cut him in half. Oh, yeah. Marinate the motherfucker. Yeah. Put like a saran wrap around them with duct tape and put him on the plane and put them on top of the plane

like luggage and the whole plane she goes no no no we're not paying thing and I were young and they're talking about the smell of garlic that everybody on the plane was going moho yeah and they had a pig on the plane

that nobody knew about that she didn't say anything she was before 9-11 this is 93 they walked in it like you know how you take a soldier out of battle she says they walked on the plane like that and the store this is like hi what are you having

like luggage, we just can't hold it. We, hairy. They had a pig, and they put the pig in. They took the pig out. We drove it from Denver Airport to Alcoa Lo's house, and they threw it in the oven. And they marinated it for those four hours. They were like, what are we going to do for those

four hours? Let's marinate the pig. Let's kill two birds of one stone while we're flying. So they marinate the pig while they were fucking flying. That's how much respect they had for that little fucking pig. That's beautiful. That really is.

Before the show, you were talking about something that made me laugh. I enjoyed it very much. I enjoyed it because it reminded me of what's going on right now. I really like Dolomite. It reminded me how much I loved Eddie Murphy. I've always loved Eddie Murphy, and I don't want to see him do stand-up. All you fucking idiots that keep pushing for Eddie Murphy to do stand-up, stop it. He hasn't gotten on stage in 20 years.

What do you think? It's going to take a year for him to tune up. It's going to take too long. He makes too much money making movies. And even if they give him $70 million, he does not want to go down to the comedy store and work out every day. And he's going to have to. And that's not going to happen.

He's too old. He gets fucking, I've seen him at the store. When you see him at the store, you realize that this was a stepping stone for him. It was a stepping stone for him. This is all this was. For Netflix to give him $70 million to do a special. You'd have to be an idiot if you're not going to take it. But I know that Eddie, those two specials are brilliant, raw and delirious.

What is he going to talk about now? What's he going to do? Go to the comedy store four nights a week for a year to get 60 minutes. Give me a fucking breather. But besides that little thing, the dolomite, I thought it was great. I thought it was great. It's funny that you were talking about that when you started in North Miami, there was a house MC and he was a black guy.

I think there's a black guy at every place I did comedy at that was a house. Yeah. That had a story. Yeah. Your guy said that Isaac Hayes ripped him. Yeah, Jeff Stewart. Jeff Stewart was 1969. We were all, everybody in the band was fresh out of high school.

And we happened to be rehearsing at the guitar player's house. And the father, his dad walks in with the newspaper and he wanted ads page. And he says, hey, there's this club that's hiring a, a band they're looking for a band he just wanted us out of the house because we you know up until the time we were only doing kinsanierras which was a great breeding ground for rock bands or you know little bands that became big you know big musicians came out of those little bands and in fact the will leave the miami samu machine one of them will lee from a david letterman orchestra he was a bass player in one of the bands in the in the in the circuit you know the kinsaii sand

You know, I mean, countless of great musicians came out with that. We had to play a lot of slow songs because that was the only chance that the kids could actually have body contact while the chaperons were actually keeping an eye on them, you know, on the dance floor. You know, so they had this method. It was when they're facing the chaperone, they hold tight. And then when they go sideways, they separate, you know, that six-inch rule. Right, right. And then it was over like that. As they go around in circle, they separate,

and then they come together again and start humping, and then they separate, you know. And the more slow songs you played in your set, the more gigs you got, you know. So those were the Miami-Kinsennaera rules, you know. But we went straight from playing that circuit into all of a sudden, I had never seen a naked woman before because all my girlfriends were Catholic,

and they had chaperones, you know, their moms. all of a sudden I'm playing in front of naked women. You know, they're all naked. They're naked. You know, it was topless and with the G-string. So they might as well be being naked, you know. And we had this MC, Jeb Stewart. He looked like Jackie Wilson, you know, had the pompadour, you know, with the hair, grease back, matching Romeo shirt.

Remember those shirts that had like the big collar and lace? Yeah. Polyester and polyester. has some matching pans, usually either orange or light blue, baby blue, with shoes that every night he would take paint and spray paint the shoes to match the color of his outfit. And he had like a big cardboard sign behind the drummer with like records, you know, 45 spray painted in gold and his name in sequence you know glitter jeb steward and then he has some slogan you know like the the king of soul or whatever and little musical notes and stuff like that and we just play

armbi all night long with this guy and and he must have been a great singer at one time but i never got to hear that because he he had any a perpetual cold it was always like this raspy right so he would only hit one note like I'm gonna wait till the midnight hour you know when this he never would sing a melody it was always like this raspy one note's singing and he had the dance moves in between and he was smooth man slick smooth he would introduce the girls because you know like he introduced a girl and then she would dance right right in front of us in our little stage and then she will move on to a cubicle in this horseshoe shaped bar with all men sitting around and they had knockers.

So instead of clapping, this is what you heard. Like, you know, 50 guys going like this, you know, in between girls, you know, instead of clapping, you know, for the girls dancing. And the girls will move around. And by the end of the set, you have like eight girls dancing, you know. And then that was over. And then 15 minutes later, you go back on you do another show with the same, the same thing, you know. Yeah, that was my first club.

club gig. When you were on the road with White Snake in 88, 87 to 94, yeah. Let's just say 88. Yeah, yeah. Were you ever on stage one night having a great night? You know? Yeah. All them. Everybody's doing great. And at one point, you thought to yourself

the reason this is happening is because what I did in that strip club Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean... It's not ever dawn on you. That far destroys me when I think of the exact moment where I learned how to do that. I tell Lee it happens to me a lot now. When I'm on stage and I'm controlling the audience, I'm controlling them at this point. Yes, and it's been 28 years.

But this just didn't happen. That control, I learned at a certain bar in 1995. And while I'm on stage about the deliver the jokes and while I'm getting my breath back, while they're laughing and they're settling, that thought it just run through my mind that the reason I'm here right now is because of that bar in 1995, that night that the guy threw a stake at me,

or whatever, you know, I'm just making up scenarios here. But it's so weird how now, 28 years later, there's nighttime on stage having a good set, you know, after 20 years of being in it, you know? Thinking back to the night where you had that break, breakthrough that you did that that step that maybe you added that baseline that you know something with me it's always maybe I move a certain way or I do something I did something in New Jersey that I hadn't done in 20 years like a not a bit but a piece from a bit that I couldn't use the

bit anymore because the bit is fucking old I don't even think I remember it but I used a piece from a bit When I got off that, and then I go, wow, I still remember doing that bit on an improv level one night and then starting to use it. And then it just, it was time to re-get rid of the bit, and I did. But that little piece of that bit still makes me laugh. And that had to be 96, 97. When I did that bit to kill time, like somebody said, how much time you got? I'm like, ah, 18, do 30. okay, I'll tell a story, and I told that bit.

Does that ever happen to you that you're on stage and you think back to a certain night? Absolutely, absolutely. You know, the tomboy club in North Miami was my first club gig. And I kept playing clubs all the way in Miami up until, like, I left in 75. And that was basically my cut-off point.

So it was about six, seven years. Because by the time, well, actually, I kept playing in clubs up in Chicago area in the Midwest with another band. It wasn't until I got to L.A. and in 1978, started playing with the Randy Rhodes version of Quiet Riot. That, yes, we were playing clubs, but they were showcase clubs. You were expected to play original material. So to me, there was a big difference between playing being in a cover band. because that's not going to get you anywhere.

I mean, if you really have aspirations to becoming a professional musician, as far as a career move, yes, you might be able to make some money and take care of some bills and things like that. But if you really want to make a move, you know, it's like in comedy or acting, you have to do certain things.

You know, like playing at a comedy store, it's a showcase club. It's not just a comedy gig. You're there with the best of, the best, you know, and there's going to be agents, there's going to be producers, and, you know, the suits are going to be in the audience, checking out what's new, who can I get, you know, for my next special, my next movie or whatever, you know, discovering talent. Well, there are certain clubs in Los Angeles that at the time, that was the purpose of playing

there. There was the Starwood, that choir, Ryan, we were like a house band there with Randy. then there was there is the whiskey and the roxy and the troubadour and for one time for a certain period of time there was bill gazaris gonzari's place you know banning hailing was like the house band and stuff like that where was that gazare's is where what is it called now it's called something else it's it's like a disco now it was like in hollywood yeah it's okay yeah it's it's west of the rainbow Oh, so it's down towards that. Yeah, it's the next club, you know, the next street from the Rainbow Bar and Grill.

You know, it was all one strip. Yeah, it's like a disco. Yeah. Playing, there was a club called Filthy Magnasties, which was a cover club. Now is the Viper Room. You know? Really? Yeah.

Viper Room used to be Filthy McNast. Yeah, yeah, Filth. What about that place on Fairfax? There's a place on Fairfax. Oh, you. Oh, wait, wait a minute. Towards Wilshire. Okay.

I went there a few times. Irish bar. They have like cover bands. I had a friend that was in a heavy-duty band at a time. Yeah. Yeah. You know, the strip was like basically the place. Of course, you know, later on, different clubs around the area.

I think it's called the Mint. The Mint. Yeah. Yeah, that's another place that opened up later on. Yeah. Did you hang out? What's the place next to Dan Tennis? Oh, the troubadour.

The troubadour. Was that a hangout for you? That was definitely a hangout. By the time that I started playing there, choir, I played there without me. But, yeah, that was almost more fulky, you know, like the Eagles, a little bit softer rock.

Elton John, you know, performed there. It wasn't kind of like a guitar-driven, you know, heavier sound like the whiskey or the roxy was. Yeah. But that's fucking crazy. No, the dolomite thing I picked up from him, he set a line in there that he sold.

He sold the line so brilliantly. And to say that line, you've had to be in there some part of your life. When he's having dinner with the guys after the thing, and he goes, I'm listening to the hobo and blah, blah, blah, blah. And they said something to him, and he just paid his money. He goes, fuck you motherfuckers. I don't need to talk to you people. He walked out to his car.

And I think Michael Epps came out there and he goes, bro, be cool. And he goes, nah, you don't know what it feels like to have something that nobody wants. And that's a point of everybody, every artist's career. There's a point at the six year. For me, it was the five, six, seven year mark that, you know, I'm doing comedy with these guys. I'm in the same circle. People are talking to them, but they're not talking to me. you know and at one point you actually go home and go obviously they're not buying what I'm selling

you know do I keep doing what I'm doing do I quit do I change my act do I put a suit on and make rocket ships fly out of my ass all like what do you do you know I'm saying yeah and I like that part that they showed the character putting it together I'm gonna make a comedy album yeah you know and it's funny because my whole whole comedy and I told especially since I've been working with Lee I don't even want anything perfect. I came from the 70s where I grew up on

comedy albums whether it was prior or Cosby or Carlin or whatever we were and it was a different feeling it was six of us would chip in and get $25 worth of weed and we'd get a six pack of beer and we come to Rudy's lit garage

because Rudy's parents would work till six during the week. So we would go over that four o'clock. We'd all sit in a circle and put this comedy album on and giggle. It was like a, it was a thing people did. It wasn't surprising for somebody to call you in the 70s and go, Lee, what are you doing Saturday night?

Bring over an onion dip. I'm having 20 people over. We're going to listen to the bicentennial nigger. And you would all sit there. There wasn't Netflix. There was no comedy special. There's no comedy special. you came in with that album fresh you opened it up you took it out everybody's like yeah it's

it's rich a bisonennial nigger and you put that thing on and nobody said a fucking word all you did was laugh nobody said a word and that was big in the 70s that's why i went when it came to doing the podcast i really enjoyed it because it made people listen again when i used to be in those rooms nobody said shit you can't do shit today but i'm somebody saying something messing something up in the 70s nobody said shit you put that arm on nobody had the heart to say did you watch the neck game

last night nobody you shut your mouth and you hung on and you listened and not everything was perfect the recordings weren't perfect you know even when you listen to Judas Priest unleashed in the east those recordings weren't perfect and how many fucking bootleg albums

that they sell how many bootleg albums I listened to that were made at the garden some guy would walk him with a with a cassette and his jacket sewn. There's no microphone, all these people. We have to put live mics and all this shit. What are you talking about? I've seen them do it with nothing.

What are you talking about? The first album I ever signed was a guy that Randy and I, Randy Rose and I run into, and this is 1981. We're at the Atlantic City Boardwalk, and the guy had just bought the first Aussie radio broadcast live. We're playing life. And it became a bootleg.

It was called Bathead Soup. And the guy gives it to us and says, oh, man, can you sign this? You know, it was a bootleg, but we were proud. That somebody cared to buy this thing of us playing in it. You know, that was, I'll never forget that moment, you know. And, you know, you kind of like know that, okay, you know, we're on the right path here doing this. you know one of the things that I wanted to mention about you were talking about records back in the day you know when you were a kid okay when I was a kid in New Jersey this is like in you know mid-60s

you know you're always looking for inspiration and there's so many there's so many Spiegel catalog pages that you can look through you know the underwear section whatever when you're a kid you know and so I was always checking out when my mom and dad we go to work and I would stay at home come home from school, I would go through my dad's stash just to see what he's got. And it came across this, these collection of records that he had. They were called, there was a central character, Juana La Loka. And, you know, she, what do you call that a woman that always have to have sex? A slut?

Pyromani. A, what's no, but, yeah, but, yeah, yeah. Yeah, one of those, right? So that was her condition. Wherever she went on these records, you know, there was a series of records, you know. Let's say she went to buy a bed at a furniture store. Where she winds up having sex.

I remember something. Juan La Loco. I remember something like this. I remember Albao herde. Yeah, that's a comedian, yeah, yeah. And he would do impersonation. I would listen to him in Spanish. Yeah.

My fucking, my mind would blow up. But this is something that my dad would not play when we were around. No. That was a stash, you know. You know, so that, that was a really good source. Another source was actually he had a collection of Betty, uh, Betty Page movies. And I'm talking about actually having me when they're out of the house, I know I got like

maybe half, half hour window to do this. Set up the projector screen, you know, that is folding, you know. set up the projector, put on the reel, and watch it. And then put it back everything exactly the way it was. You know, so it's a matter of fact, and now if I hear a projector sound going like that, I get a bonner. I got a Woody. I still remember ordering those movies.

I still remember you had to order them from a magazine. Oh, yeah. And wait six to eight weeks of delivery. delivery oh yeah the kid at when I was just the stress factor kid Michael special he was the oldest one of our crew he had me by a year he's 57 if I'm 56 he's 57 and we were talking about that when he came in the green room we go remember we ordered the pornoes and we waited and we put the fucking screen up in my attic and we had to put like cover the windows yeah and you put a blanket on the wall and and there weren't like

porno from today it was like just basement, disgusting, mind-altering. What's that big thing everybody's got today? TCSD? PTSD? Bro, you automatically got PTSD from fucking listening to these things. Like, from watching them, it wasn't like you looked at women differently. It was a complete different, it wasn't like robust women with big tits.

They were just like skank from the street that had been beat. somebody had litem them on fire and then they would pay them like more $50 to have sex with them and as a 13 year old a 12 year old when you wait six weeks to actually see pornography and it is just a fucking

animal show because that's exactly it was it was just a fucking animal show it really was it was the worst thing I had ever seen I still have memories of the chick laying there she's like nodding on heroin

and all of a sudden you see a guy walk into the screen with his dick. And she's like on the drugs looking at his dick. And you can hear the director going, suck it. Suck it. Like you can hear director and we're like sitting there and go, what? Suck it. We didn't even know about a blowjob.

We were so young. We knew something happened. Like I had heard about blow jobs. I tried to get the fucking, my babysitter to suck my dick when I was six for $20. But I had never seen like this. And she just kept looking at the guy's dick weird. And then she smelled it. little bit oh my and all of us like ill and then she put in her mouth and it was bad

dick she kept making weird faces or something and then she wouldn't get up like she was like handicapped or something like that she got it by a car he tried to just imagine her crawling on the ground I'm talking this is beyond me too this was beyond me too those directors should have thrown under the jail he you know You know, like when you see porn, he's going to pick her up to the swap spit with them. Yeah. After they make out.

He tried to pick her up. She's like, I'm not going anywhere. Like, she had no legs. Something was not right. Then they gave her two pieces of bread. I will never forget this. That one minute she was sitting there looking at the dick, and it was just a cold edit.

Like, then I don't even worry about the flow. Like next thing you know, she was sitting with her hand like this, and the next thing, she had two pieces of ripe bread at her hand. and a jar of miracle whip with a knife in it. And we're like, what's you going to do? I'm like, I don't know. Maybe she's taking a break. Maybe she's hungry.

She took the miracle whip, put it on the bread, and then put it on his dick, and put two pieces of bread on his dick, and started eating the white bread off his dick. And we were in shock. Like, all of us stood there, like when our jaws dropped, and there was a young kid. I wrote a joke about this, but this is not a joke.

This is a true story. There was a young kid that started crying Like he was like if I was 13 He was 11 or 10 And all of a sudden he was like He started crying And they were Sabatino That's how much you fucked this up

Everybody wanted that money back People were pissed off at me Because it was like 20 bucks And you got three super eight films The super eight and the projector You had to build the projector You had to like What's that beep?

Outside that fucking car was there for a year finally fucking, you had to, like, put the wing on to the projector, screw it on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it came in a little box, very discreet. Yeah. And you opened it up, and you were fucking porno was... They had crimes in there.

That sounds terrible. That's what? They had crimes in there. If you get those pornos today, you could sue the fucking... You could sue the company for PTSD. I wish I still had that porno. I would take it through psychiatrists and say, watch this.

Why does this make you feel when you're fucking 13? It'll ruin you. I wanted, you know, I did your radio show, and I went up and did the podcast today. I got carsick going up your hill. In the 19 fucking left turns, I was car sick. I had to sit on a bench on front of his house. And you've always said that, you know,

you were very happy when you did the podcast that I gave you the inspiration. Well, you inspired me to do something. I'm really thankful. I started going out. I went to two concerts in three months. I'm going to another one in November and I'm going to another one in December I went to see Guns and Roses at the Palladium

Wow I saw yeah I saw your post Yeah and I went to see Pat Benatar At the Saban theater Yeah Which is fucking great that little theater Yeah she is yeah And it was just what you said

I didn't spring the 900 for the stones I'm happy I didn't I didn't hear a lot of good reviews I have a lot of friends that are honest They're not regular white people that pay 900 and then what they got who pays 900 is gonna tell you the concert suck nobody they're gonna tell you it was phenomenal go spend the 900 so you feel as shitty as I do yeah but my brother went he's been to the Cedar Stone 21 times and he said it wasn't no point out the metal ants he didn't

enjoy it at all and that I would have felt bad about I don't like seeing people like that either but Guns and Roses is a fucking experience really yeah it was really an experience you know it reminded me of it reminded me of Ozzie at the Palladium New York. I had that same, had that same dirty, nitty, you know, feeling to it. You know, Guns and Roses has that where the Palladium in New York naturally had that. Like when Guns and Roses walks in the room, that feeling comes over you, but the Palladium in New York had that grungy, rock and roll, dirty, you might get syphilis if you touch the floor with your finger and finger somebody feel to it. I had a lot of good time.

Yeah. Palladium. But thank you very much. Oh, sure. To be an entertainer, you have to be entertained from time to time. Interesting. To entertain. Yes.

When you get bored, and I didn't notice as a comedian until I was already in the game 10 years, 11 years. But that's why they say it's important, like to watch a movie once a week for two hours, to take your mind out of the game and get entertained. I found me as a comic, I learned a lot from watching singers. A singer and a comic is the same thing. We're just a conduit for the message.

Do you know what I'm saying? I think you guys have tougher jobs than you say, oh yeah. I wouldn't fucking trade my job for a singer not in a million years. There's too many things that could go wrong. You guys don't have the drum solo. You guys don't have like the guitar player

going off on a tandem, him extending his guitar solo and you're going like this. You don't have, for example, like, if you, if your voice is a little bit rough, you give the crowd the mic to sing. You don't give the crowd the mic to finish off your joke. You can't do that. You stand there basically the way that we, musicians, we look at it, you're standing there, you're naked with your dick in your hand, and that's all you got.

That's it. between nothing, nothing to shield you, nothing to protect you, you know, like the other guys in the band, like, oh, I feel a little bit rough today, so I'm gonna like take it, you know. Not that I ever do that, but I've seen singers, you know, it's tough being a singer.

It's, I think it's extremely tough. I have a, if I have a call, if my stomach doesn't feel good, I just go there and play because I'm using my hands, you know, and I move around, and if I really, you know, once I get past the point of like, I'm on stage now.

I forget about how shitty I feel offstage. You know, if I have a cold or whatever. I just go there and play. Then I probably feel like shit again once I get off the stage. But you, you got nothing. You just got to go there and do it and be a thousand percent. Because to that audience that showed up, that's the moment. They don't care how you got there.

They don't care how you feel you're going to deliver. And you're going to deliver as good or better than the last time they saw you. And if they never seen you before, you've got to live up to the hype. And beyond that. It's crazy. I see singers and I'm like, wow, I learn different things from different singers from watching, including the actual. Axel I didn't learn a lot from.

But, you know, I love watching when B.B. King sings. Yeah. No, he's there. Yeah, yeah. He's right there. He's there. I know. But so are you.

When you're on stage. No. You know? That's a 50-50 chance that strengthens the longer you do stage. The longer that you are in the game, you put yourself there time to time. Now when I go up there, it's like Anthony Robbins says you touch your shoulder and it's a reaction. Yeah. It'll give your mind a reaction of how to perform.

You know, with that deep hypnotism, isn't it like you touch your wrist? Yeah. And it means go time. For me as a comic, I think that it took a long time, but now I'm at like 70% where I could really depend on my confidence. I got a question for you.

We musicians, we call it we play. That's what we call making music performing. We play. What do you guys call it? Doing comedy. You do. doing comedy see it's different see we play we we we don't take it well I mean we take it seriously because you know we I spent hours playing but but but I play

I spent hours playing because I love to play that's another thing you you don't spend at home you don't sit on the sofa you know throwing lines out you know telling jokes or things like that no I sit in the sofa watching TV I got my little dog in between me and my wife I got a little amplifier that's not louder than the TV speakers and I'm playing all night long and I got ideas coming through my head and I play them. Meanwhile, I'm watching TV. You know what I mean?

It's a constant with me. I'm always playing unless I'm on a plane, then I can't play. But then I take out, you know, my iPad and I look at, I start reading music, you know, sheet music or other tutorials, you know, things like that. I'm always in it. Oh, no, I'm always in it. Yeah, you read a lot. I know you are. I'm always in it because as long as my eyes are open, I'm writing.

Yeah, I know you are. I'm taking in data. I'm taking in data. My eyes are always taking in data as a comic. I might not be playing, but I'm taking in data and the moves are happening. And now, because I'm more disciplined than ever and everything, now I know to write that thought down. Write it down. You're not going to remember it later.

Write it down. I'm getting more success with that. Write it down. Take the two minutes, write it down. Yeah. If it even means writing the joke out, because it's not going to come to you again. You know, I go to Novathor once a week.

Yeah. Novothor's red light therapy. You lay there. You know how many times I go in there baked out of my mind and I think of fucking a whole bit. Yeah. Now I just take a notebook with me. I take a little pad with me when I go to Novothor

and I'll loosen the goggles. I'll get the red light beams in my eyeballs and I'll write the fucking thing and I won't be able to see for an hour after I leave there, I don't give a fuck. Your eyeballs are, when you're a comedian, should always be working.

That's why you need to get out of the house. That's why you need to do certain things because you're collecting data. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter where you're going. A friend of you tells you this diner is good, go there. Sit, sit at the bar, watch.

I'm always watching. I was raised to watch because my mother had the numbers. So my eyes had to be better than everybody else. I had to make sure that that car, why is that car there? Why is that white car parked there? That's where Rudy parks every day. I was raised to walk home a different route.

So some days I walk up to hunger, some days I walk up Kofax, some days I walk up Laurel Canyon, just to see what's going on in that fucking neighborhood. So when you're a comedian, your eyes are always collecting data. That's where your comedy comes from. Comedy is how your world collides with the rest of the world. Why are you not taking in data? Whether it's a concert, whether it's a fucking museum,

maybe it's a walk down the block. Maybe it's a walk in Hollywood to see a bum and a funny story. You take a walk in Hollywood. You're always going to come up with a funny story. You park your car by Omiba, go to Omiba, and then take a walk around that neighborhood, right in that neighborhood. Go to fucking the Hamburg. a place and get a hamburger like a normal person

instead of going for the black joint and getting chicken, taking all this you go right up the corner there. They got all the food on that block you want. Just walk on that block and see what that block is about. You'll get a fucking, you'll get a fucking minute or two of material.

So we're always working. Yeah. Aside musicians. What I meant to say from the singers is like Robert Plant and the song remains the same. His whole body becomes a weapon in that that movie. If you watch his whole body,

his whole body is giving you material. That's very rare. Yeah, yeah, I know that. That's very rare. Not too many fucking singers have that. Some singers could connect with the audience. Some singers could take you there, and some motherfucking singers are there.

Like, they're there. But you're going into something really interesting. And another major difference from what we do as musicians than what you do. Take rubber plant outside of Led Zeppelin. It's not the same. Led Zeppelin, it's like, for example, when I play with certain bands,

when I play with Ozzy, I felt like an animal on stage. When I played with Quiet Riot, I was more joyful. It was funnier. It's a whole different emotion that I get. When I play with Weissnake, you know, I was fucking licking the bass all over the place

because I felt it. you know there was a sexual undertone to it you know then i played with dio and it was more like that super heavy metal you know you know with dio he would hit certain notes rani that i was standing next to him and i would just levitate on stage it was like holy shit it was like you know we did the song gates of babylon and he would hit this certain note and it was like whoa i was actually really off the ground you know so it's it's it's it's it's It's very different. What I'm trying to say is that you're only as good as the band that you're in.

In your case, yeah, in your case, is you have no choice but to be good no matter where you go because you're not in the band. You're the ultimate solo artist and you've got to maintain that level. You're not going from Led Zeppelin to Deep Purple to like all of a sudden you're going solo and you're doing other materials. and things like that. Your level of intensity is at top level, no matter what you do. Because you're not, you are you. You're not the singer in one band

that's going with another band. Then it's a whole different trip, another different vibe, different energy, different music. It's about something else. You know what I mean? So with you, it's tougher, much tougher. because you don't have that role to play.

Even though we're live, we're really characters in a play, and the play happens to be that band. I was talking with someone yesterday, and I'd be interested to see what you guys think. Because when you start playing music, I imagine that you're focused on playing it right at the beginning. And where I am in comedy, I'm focused on telling the jokes the way I want to tell them.

And I see a lot of cameos like Joey and other guys, they are really great performers. Like they can really, there's another level. When you have the basics down and you can actually get animated or lick the bass, like how long does it take for you to perform? I'll tell you exactly. And that's a really

great topic because this is another thing that it's different from, you know, musicians and what Joey does, you know, with a stand-up, you know. It's the fact that when we, traditionally when we were going tour,

we make a record. And you're making a record and just like you're getting opinions from not only your bandmates, you're getting opinion from yourself. You know, you start thinking about, okay, what am I going to play in this song? You know?

In the studio, you got pre-production. You go into studio, so working with a producer and they say, well, change it a little bit because it's not suitable, with everything else that's going on. So it goes through filters and filters. And it's not until you're our own stage. After the record's been released, you've been two weeks on the road, you look at the audience, you look at the guys in the band, that that song, that new song really, you understand the meaning of that song. You go, oh, now I know what the song is about. So now you're really playing the song. Case in point, how many life albums have you heard that you think, wow, the shit sounds way better than it did in the studio?

You know, because now the band gets it. The band, oh, this is what the song is. You know, not in the studio when you basically, the studio is like a laboratory. You know, under the microscope, every single note is being questioned by the producer, by the artist relations guy that it's the executive producer of the record and the singer and the guitar player and who with the drummer, everybody, everybody's looking at what you're playing. You're looking at what everybody else is playing, what analyzing everything. When you're on stage for a couple of weeks touring that song,

you're not analyzing. You become that song, along with the audience, because you got the audience. See, to me, the audience has always been like a dashboard in a car. You're looking at the tachometer. If you're going, you know, should you go to the next shift to the next speed, you know, go from like second gear to third gear or bring it back a little bit in the middle of the set

because you don't want to blow up the engine. You want to go full tilt all the way because that joke's going to explode, you know? So you go like shifting gears through the whole set. I'm sure you do that live. You look at the audience and you're getting the feedback and you know what to hit him with next. Next. Yeah. I could have a set list.

One out of ten, I'm going to stick to that set list. I'm, I still do all the jokes in that set list. But while I get on stage, everything comes to life. it doesn't call for that set list. Something happened before me that has to make me adjust that set list. So I have to call what the quarterbacks call an audible. That's beautiful.

And the joke comes to life. Absolutely. I really enjoy sitting down and writing the core of a joke. But after 20 years, I've realized that the tag is going to be written on stage, whether I like them or not. I'm funnier when I'm under pressure.

When I'm under pressure, especially on the workout nights, like tonight, you know, last night at the store, I go down there with no pressure. It's not about me. It's about me trying everything in that arsenal that I wrote from Sunday to last night. I must have made four or five little notes, little adjustments. And so I get it now. Like, I'm not sitting there anymore waiting to write a 20-minute bit on paper.

It's not going to happen. Sorry. And it's so weird because the first live album I ever bought was Get Your Yaya's album. And I listened to it and I gave it away the next day. I thought it was garbage because I didn't like how the stones. Every song sounded different. I didn't like that. I wanted it to sound the same.

Then I put on Unleased in the East. I had already bought the first Judas Priest album, and I had another album by Judas Priest staying class, I think. I don't know what I had at that time. I'm lying to you guys. I knew who Jewish Priest was. I didn't have any other albums. I had heard one of the albums at my friend's house one night.

When I heard their live on Leasing the East, I didn't like it at first. Again, we're going away from the plan. But then I was like, wait a second. This sounds better. and Russ by Joan Baez sounds a lot better live than a dozen the fucking studio yeah you know victim of changes yeah sounds a lot better and then I started getting into more live recording and I was buying more bootlegs and I was understanding what was happening until you said

that and didn't really clarify at all I never knew that had that knowledge that it becomes one when you're out there yeah like I when I went to see you at the palladium with Ozzy you guys did a this is a song coming off the new um which is flying high again yeah you think you did flying high again on that set there was no diary of a madman no no no there was flying high yeah and believer does the two songs we did from diary yeah boom yeah yeah yeah but it's so weird i never really thought about that way yeah me myself like i've had joe coy on here and joe coy does not leave his house during the way he does all his writing on the road he makes people pay $25, $35, $45 to see him right.

It's brilliant. I don't like it, but then again, why not? The audience loves it. Plenty of times I come home from the comedy store and I run in that room just to write three words down. Yeah. Three words, not a sentence, not a joke, not a bit. Three words, some word that I have to change somewhere.

And there should be six, but I only remember three. So I'll take the three for right now. I'll remember the other three when I go back to the store on Tuesday or on Thursday night. I'll give you another one about the difference of why it's tougher for you than it is for us musicians. Robert Plant, let's say you go and watch him solo. Somehow he's going to do a version of a whole lot of love because otherwise you feel like you've been ripped off, right? He did, you're right. I saw him in December of 1980.

When was the last time you did that people came to see you because they're expecting to hear a certain joke, you know, a certain line that you delivered 20 years ago, 10 years ago. You've got to come up with new material all the time. We don't. We don't. As a matter of fact, people don't even want to hear new material. That's why a lot of bands don't even make new records. We don't.

They want to hear the hits. So imagine if you get up on stage every night and you say the same jokes, your biggest jokes, and that's why people are lining up for you. I mean, we all have our greatest hits. If you go to each one of your specials or your albums, you're going to have one memorable bit. If it's really old, I won't throw it up. But you never know.

You know where you're going to go. There's bits that aren't on CDs that are old. But I never put on a CD and I think they're just sitting there waiting to get morphed into another joke. Exactly. Morphed. Yeah. Now I have it a minute and a half. This will add two and a half more minutes to that joke.

That bit's been sitting in the wings for fucking eight years. Just wait and do something to smack a motherfucker. So, no, that whole process I love now. And I guarantee why you guys are on stage, I'll tell you who's a band that I liked because of their live performances and because everything sounded different. You wouldn't expect it for me.

But I lived in Boulder, and I listened to them a lot, involuntarily. You have to listen to the dead. Oh, they did, yeah. Yeah. When you live in Boulder, everybody's playing the dead next door, downstairs, and everybody don't play the album. They play the bootlegs. From the Oakland shows, from the Oklahoma shows. So you get to listen to like three nights at the Oklahoma Superdome. I don't know if this is what it's called.

I'm just making up a name here. So you get to see how they switch every night, how they grow every night, how they manipulate every night. Maybe tonight I want to do this. Maybe tonight Jerry Garcia plays this note. Maybe tonight Jerry Garcia does a long solo. Depends how much heroin he didn't. If he had a piece, chocolate candy, whatever the fuck.

That's when I really admired that. I know one thing. I went to see comedy. I always tell this because I'm misinformed sometimes. I went to see comedy one time before I got on stage. Two times before I got on stage. And those two times, I was not thinking about doing comedy.

I just went to a company, a friend of mine. And they were both the same comedian because he was a big fan of his. And this is way before I got into comedy. The first time I saw him was like October, let's just make up a date. Maybe October. Now, let's say maybe January of 87.

And then the next time I saw him was June of 187. 88 and I'll never forget that he didn't write a new joke at all he did the same routine he had done the 14 months prior to that and I'll never forget as a fucking cokehead lost coquette not even a comedian I wasn't even comedy wasn't even on my radar and were walking out and going hmm that's interesting that he said the same material he did he year ago. If that was me, I would never do that. This is way before comedy. Way before comedy. I paid $2.00 to go see Led Zeppelin. I better hear a whole lot of love. I want to hear. I have a set

list of songs I want to hear. But I know I spoke to a Mexican friend of mine and he said he went to see Santana. And he goes, I should have taken the $200 and ripped it in half. Because all he does is introduced new music and talks about his political, you know, what was his aspirations or whatever. And then people were yelling, oh, yeah, come over. He's like, oh, no, no, no, I'm going to do this acoustic. Get the fuck out of here. We want to hear fucking so black magic woman, soul survivor.

That's what they came to hear. Yeah. So he didn't do well, you know, like people just did, and the reviews were bad. I could see that. Me, as a, when I went to see guns, the weird thing about Guns and Roses was that Monday, on a Trunk Nation, a guy called it, a very intelligent guy.

You know, usually you ever hear Trunk Nation? Oh, yeah. I know Eddie. Yeah, the people that call into Trunk Nation are not the Sprite. Hey, man, how are you doing? Let me ask you something. When did it happen to the Banners? They were a small band, you're like the Spiders.

God, live it up. Go hang yourself. You know what I'm saying? The guy's just called. Like, what happened? And they try to be swarmy. Yeah. Like, man, listen, my favorite dude was Rudy Sarzo.

And I went to see him recently. And, you know, like, they just try to be swarmy. And Eddie fucks him up. Eddie fucks him up good. But a guy called. And it was very intelligent. He goes, I don't know all these people, but are paying all this money to see Guns and Roses do music

that was put out in 1988 through whatever. And my daughter and my wife, went into bully buster and I sat outside listening to the argument about and I'm like you know maybe maybe not you know I don't know how I feel about this argument but I thought about that too if I'm paying $400 for a ticket I want to hear something new especially if it's guns and roads it's got to be good that two days later I got the call off I want to go see Guns and Rose that Monday like that Wednesday they called and they go we got two tickets for you to go see Guns and I was at the Palladium Saturday if you want to go.

And I'm like, fuck, yeah, I'm going to go. Now I'm here. Let me tell you something. When they played the beginning of it could be mine, you could be mine, the place almost blew up. You know, November rain, the place almost, that's what you wanted to hear. Like as I was there, I'm like, they better play November rain. They better play this song here. Yeah, but I can tell you this as a fan and as a professional musician.

Songs are just triggers. Your mind. triggers. Like so somebody, you know, so let's say, especially playing in Los Angeles, they are an LA band. So when they hear, you know, you should be, you could be mine. People are, most of the audience actually saw them playing at the whiskey or saw them back in 88. They were part of the whole sunset trip. So you're just basically triggering this emotion of like, fuck yeah, man, you know, like 30 years before, right? And all of a sudden, they are, 19 again. They're riding their

heartleys. They got their motorcycle jackets on. And there's not a care in the world. So they're just losing their shit because they're being transported to that place in time. I know that because it happens to me as a fan. I've been a fan longer than I've been

a professional musician. So I got a whole catalog of music that just fucks me up every time I hear it. And some of them, I'm actually playing. I mean, I grew up. I was a kid when I was listening to the Guess Who songs, like these eyes used to be like this. Tadun, da-dun-tun.

Yeah, and that song was like the favorite song of this, you know, when you were a kid, you have a girlfriend and you have like your song, your favorite song. And it was like a crazy girlfriend that I had. That was her favorite song. So here I am on stage with the band playing that song and all I can do is just laugh. I'm laughing, I'm smiling.

Yeah, I'm happy because I'm playing that song, but I'm also laughing at, at the irony of the whole thing that I'm actually in the band playing the song that was not only our song was also a breakup song. What's a breakup song? Well, you know, it's a song that happened to be playing on the radio when the chick breaks up with you. That was your last memory of the song. I'm saying, thank you. Thank you for breaking up with me because otherwise I would probably have been married you,

have like 20 grandchildren by now and be in Miami playing in it you know playing congas in a Santana band or or Miami Sound Machine tribute you know crazy let me ask you something I did not know to Wendy was here the yeah yeah that you and Ronnie's last band war what was name of me Ronnie yeah I was his his life's last bass player in deal I didn't know that I was in the BAM from 2004 until he passed away. In 2010? Yeah, 2010, yeah.

And you were touring with him and the whole thing? Why didn't I know that? I love Ronnie. I love Ronnie. Yeah, because you never asked me about running. That was crazy. I knew you had done something with Ronnie. Oh, God, yeah. I just, she mentioned it to me and all the weekend.

I went and looked it up and I was like, wow, I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah, we did the record together, the, what is it, 20th, the 25th year anniversary of Holy Diver. We did the whole, the whole record. And there's a DVD of that. If I find one at home, I think I have an extra copy, I'll bring it to you. 83, Holy Diver. Tremend, yeah.

They're being Campbell, the whole time. Yeah, it was the 25-year anniversary of Holy Diver, yeah. Who was a drummer on that album? On the record was Vinnie, Apice. Opposy, right. Who had played with him in Black Sabbath. Right. And then when Vinny left the band, Simon Wright, from ACDC, took over.

No shit. Simon was the second drummer in ACDs. He was like 16, 17 years old when he joined the band, yeah. Fucking tremendous. So really, just think Thursday. Tomorrow. Yes.

Thursday is the stand-up and shout bowling event over a Pins in Sherman Oaks. Studio City. Studio City. Like behind Jerry's Deli. Jerry's Deli. You...

A bunch of people are going to be there. The guy from the Foo Fighters. Any Trunk is wrapped in all. fucking thing. Yeah, I mean... I'm in Detroit. It's already sold out. I've had to cancel it once.

Yeah. So it's not like I could cancel again. Trust me. I would love to be able to go to this. Well, there's other events that happened through the year. Right. She's invited me to 2020, February 20th. Yeah, they have the motorcycle rally and all of that.

Which I show up with a 10 speed. Yeah. I hope it's all downhill. You know what I'm saying? Because I ain't ride no fucking motorcycle at my age. Yeah. Yeah, they're making some major strides. as far as cancer goes.

You know, there's a lot of hope there. Frankie Benelli, you know, are my, my, I mean, he's not only my, my quiet riot drum, you know, rhythm section partner, but he's, we, I grew out playing with Frankie back in Florida in 72. So 11 years before we were playing together in Quiet Riot, I mean, I was playing with him, you know, so he was the best man of my wedding. So, you know, we're brothers, you know. And recently he came, made an announcement that he had stage four pancreatic cancer.

But I got to tell you, you know, I knew about it months before that. And every day we were texting and what a fighter. Whiteer fighter constantly having chemotherapy and older alternative medication. And he's playing. He's back playing again, you know, which is what he was born to do, you know. And it's amazing because this gives hope to a lot of people because usually stage four pancreatic cancer, you're done, you're done. No, he's not done.

He's done, he's an oxymarapack. He's, I can say that once he goes through the whole thing completely, he'll be stronger and better than ever. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah. No, I donated. I donated a little something.

Yeah. I donate a little something too. Yeah. Don't need a little something because she's doing a good cause. It's not she's running a scam. Absolutely. Absolutely. So, you know, this, you know, brings up a lot of hope to people.

Don't give up. Don't give up because, you know, the longer you're staying in the game, the better medication is going to be discovered, you know, better treatments and things like that. So it could be that in very short period, maybe in a couple of years. cancer will be eradicated. They don't want that, but it's going to, we're working hard. And nobody wants it. That's a multi-billion dollar-e of business.

But the reality is, the cure is, the cure is evident. Yeah, exactly. Where are you playing soon? I know you're doing the camp. I'm doing record-o-finery-fancy camp next week. We got cheap trick coming in, and we're recreating Sergeant Pepper, Life of the Whiskey, a go-go. What date?

November 17, the day before my birthday. November 18th is your birthday? I'll be 69. That's the day I kidnap Kennella. I do kidnap. Now I remember your birthday every fucking year. I'll be 69. And you're only 69 once.

That's it. But you could do it forever. That's the only age you're once, but you can do it forever. You know what I'm saying? And you can start young. You can start at four. 69. 4.

You didn't 69 when you were 4? No. You didn't do that in your daycare? You went through a bum daycare. Start sniffing little asshole with your 4. It's not even pedophilia. It's just 69. It's not a bad time.

Anyway, this weekend, Detroit is sold out. Omaha, the tickets are gone. Me and Dean Del Rey. And I got a call yesterday at Miami sold out. So all I got left for you, motherfuckers, is the 7. The second show at the New York town hall. 10.30 show. $35 tickets, no fucking drama.

Listen, one thing I noticed about this week is last night I was watching a giant game. It was midnight. It was still the stadium was packed. Fucking New York is a late town, man. L.A., they die like pussies here at 8.30. In New York, you got to kill them at 3. Three is like the night during the UFC. One in the morning.

They were all still there. That fight was one in the fucking morning. Try to do an event center one in the morning over here at Staples Center. Those people fucking melt. The building will melt if they go on a triple overtime or Lakers or something like that. But that's all I got for you, motherfuckers. Rudy, what's going on with the podcast and the show? I got the show every Sunday on Monsters of Rock Radio.

We got to get you in one of those cruises. No. Monsters of Rock Crew? No, no. Come on and say bands and rock and roll. No. And goofy fucking people. All band and shit.

Goofy people following you around asking your creepy questions in the daytime. Did you use the Stratocaster? Or did you use it? Listen, leave me alone. We'll get some buffet. He'll get a fucking piece of cake. Your wife's over there dying from diabetes. Go kill it once and for all.

You got to bother me with this fucking cruise. I don't lay ships, bro. I haven't done the Mustons of Rock Cruise yet because, you know, with the guess who, we do the Flower Pop, which is 60 years. old. I mean, you know, in 60s, 60s, uh, cruise, you know, people that were around in the 60s. And then the next one is the, uh, the rock and romance, which is the 70s cruise. And I gotta tell you, it's, it's, it's, it's really a trip.

I really is. I just don't want to be on the, on a boat with nobody for that long. How many days is it? Uh, well, I, no, actually, it's not too bad because what they do is, they, they, they, they They split the cruise with two shifts of bands. So if 30 bands were playing in the whole cruise, the first 15 were bored, let's say, in Full Otterdale, and then get off in Jamaica. Then the next 15 board in Jamaica, the flight to Jamaica, and then disembark in Full Otterdale. So not all 30 bands are on board the ship at all times. So you're there like maybe three or four days, tops.

Not bad. It's not bad at all. Three more days I want to be anywhere. Especially walking around in circles with his ship. Like I said, I'm a big fan of Eddie Trunk. And why I'm a big fan of Eddie Trunk is because he tolerates a lot. I'd hang up on half those people. Can you imagine?

You know, one day they're going to take them off the ship in a white suit on one of those jackets going, I haven't seen Ronnie Montrose. I haven't, you know, because they're just driving crazy. I can't imagine those people on a tour. Just when you're eating breakfast. Hey, I don't want to bother you, but. Man, what was the name of the guitar player? And Richie Blackmore and second band,

I'm on a trump-tunk. What are they, remember they? Stump. Oh, yeah. Stump Trump. Yeah. Listen, you stump me again. I'll stab you with this fucking knife.

Yeah. With egg batter and fucking maple syrup on it. Do you follow him on Twitter? Yes. It's the same thing on Twitter. Like all these people asking him questions. Oh, he, he's my idol. Yeah.

I wish I had his patience. Yeah, he's great. He's great. I'd have a good chance. to stay not a prisoner because right now I can't take it no more one of these motherfuckers is eventually going to get stabbed

it's probably going to be me no you got you're all right you're beyond the stab point I got to throw you off the ship oh yeah I'm not going to ship with you guys I got to take you out to El Camino Island what's the island out here in California yeah we're going to have a good time

I got Sundays for you don't worry about none they got a big banana fucking float waiting for you Catalina I'll throw you right over We'll stab you with a needle, so the shark will come real quick and chew you away. Oh, yeah. Sounds great.

Don't worry about nothing. I'll get an insurance policy. I'll cut your mom in for the small 20, just so, you know, nobody's feeling. How much are you getting? I got to get the 80%. I'm the one that's doing all the heavy work here. I'm doing all the lifting, you know what I'm saying? Well, thank you for that.

I love you, motherfucker. As Rudy Sarzo, thank you very much. Listen to Rudy on Monsters of Rock Radio. support him, follow him on Twitter. He does a great job on Twitter. The Christ killer, I love you, cocksucker. And the rest of you savages, I'll see you Thursday night in Detroit,

ready to blow that motherfucking place up. Listen, I don't have nothing left from my youth. I just got one thing left. Yesterday, posted my grammar school. Can you please, if you have any report cards or T-shirts from grammar school? I said, listen, go fuck you. So I never saved a thing from that school.

But I have one thing. I have a shirt that a friend of mine gave me in 1987. That says Detroit, the murder capital of the world. There's some shit. Remember when it was a murder capital of the United States? Oh, yeah. And I'm going to Detroit. And then I'm going to Omaha, Nebraska,

to get some piece of steak with Dean Delray. So I'll see you, motherfucker's den of not. We'll see you next Tuesday, tip-top of goo. Ready to stab a motherfucker. I love you guys. Don't forget Miami Improft sold out. Omaha, all you got left is December 6th at the town hall theater in New York City's second show, 1030. There's tickets left for the first show, but do not touch those tickets.

They went over $100 for those things. Let them burn in hell for trying to scout from you guys. You're my family, $35 flat. I love you guys. Have a great week. I want to thank Rudy again. I want to thank the Christ Killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfucking savages for always having my back and having our back.

All right. Stay black. shit. We almost forgot here. I got to let you know who sponsors this motherfucker. For starters, let me talk to you real quick. The church is sponsored by Tushy. You're like, Joey, what's Tushy?

It's an amazing, unconventional gift for anybody in your life. Everybody has an asshole, and everybody deserves the gift of Tushy. Wiping your fucking muffler with dried toilet paper does not remove all the shit. If you got poop, one of the other... Listen, a couple of weeks ago I threw my show.

out and I couldn't wipe my hand with my left my right hand. I had to switch to my left hand. This is not good. This is where hello, Tushy comes in and I'll never forget them for helping me out. And someday you guys will get old and you can't wipe your ass with your white pan. What are you going to do? Tushy's going to be there. Why? Because it sprays nice, warm, cool water directly into your asshole. And it removes the poop and all the other germs that you got that can cause the hemorrhoids, yeast infection, itchy assholes, skid marks. and people not want to suck your dick. You ever have a girl ready to suck your dick, but she gets a whiff from the fucking south?

It's your asshole. It's on fire, all right? Bidets, badees are common all over the world. A bidet saves you money on toilet paper, and you won't kill that many trees, you won't clog your toilet. Listen, Tushy sprays your ass with fresh water. It's not toilet water.

Tushy connects to the water supply behind your toilet to spray your fucking nut sack and your ass tip-top, m'goo, clean with the same water you brush your teeth with. That's not inspiring, but you know what I'm saying? Wet wipes are worse than toilet paper, all right? They cause anal fucking little fishes in your asshole. You don't want that either in the later rounds when, you know, things get rough and you got a little pimple back there, whatever.

Listen, Tushy starts at $79. I'm hooking you up here. This is the gift you've been looking for. You're thinking about who am I going to buy something for this year? This is the gift, nice and easy. It installs in 10 minutes, and guess what? That person's asshole won't stink anymore. You've done something nice.

And Lee's had it for what? Three or four years. It still is. I use it every day. It's still working. His asshole still stinks. But, hey, at least he's got some water in that motherfucker from time to time. Listen, I love Tushy.

And I've had them for four years, and I'm going to keep using Tushy. The aim is tremendous. You dry off with their little fucking hand, little voodoo towels they got. Look, do me a favor. Just go to hello tushy. Look at all the colors, look at all the matches, look at the towels, look at the stuff they got. They're a great company. They got a 60-day guarantee on it, but listen, me and Lee will tell you, with both fat bucks,

that Tushy's still spraying water in our assholes. Go to hellotushy.com right now, press in church and get 10% off your audit, delivered right to your motherfucking house. The church is also brought to you by audit. Listen, right now, AlphaBrain, only company. If you're not happy with the product, they give you 100% money. back guarantee. That's how much Anit believes in Alpha Brain. They're running a

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It's too real to be true. Do me a favor. Go to Onet.com right now. Look at the selection they got, make sure you get AlphaBrain. You're a little fucking confused lately. On the way out of check out, press in. Church, CHU-R-C-H, get 10% off delivered right to your house. And since you're taking care of yourself with Hon, and I might as well talk to you about athletic greens. What's athletic greens? It's an awesome supplement that gives you tremendous energy. Listen, if you're not starting your day off with a blast of vitamins, you're

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And most importantly, I want to thank Tushy, but I want to thank you guys again for being a tremendous fucking audience. I'll see you guys next week. Lee, take this motherfucking meal. Yesterday has been and gone.