The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #737 - Adam Ray

Episode Date: November 20, 2019

Adam Ray, a comedian, actor, and co-host of the "About Last Night Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Policy Genius - Policy Genius helps you compare and find the right home, auto, life or disability insurance for you. Check them out at www.policygenius.com   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/church for a free online consultation.

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Let me repeat, that's a guaranteed deposit match and a risk-free bet for Thanksgiving. only. That's next week, a week from tomorrow. So stop waiting on the sidelines like a fucking mook. Jump on the fucking gravy train. It's the holidays. You need to make some Doree me. And it starts at my bookie.ag. Use code church. You play, you win, you get motherfucking paid. Kick this meal, Lee. What are you nuts or what? I'm fucking fired up on a Wednesday morning. We got Lee Syatt The Christ Killer

We got Adam Ray My little brother Yeah, baby And your uncle Mother fucking Joey D is here Bring it to you On the fucking Wednesday morning Oh shit

What's up my brother Adam Ray What's up, doggy? Always a pleasure to see you Oh really, it's truly the best To see you Looking handsome as fucking ever today Sound like my mom

I call my hair Hey you look good to me You always look fucking handsome What's that brother I'm chilling man just enjoying the day, enjoying the, I like this pre-holiday time. It feels good.

It feels like everybody kind of lets their guard down a little bit. And especially in L.A. where, you know, the road rage is always at a high level. I feel like just everybody on a whole just kind of, you know, levels out a little bit. It loosens up. Yeah, a little bit, yeah. Loosens up for six weeks.

Isn't that crazy? And then just back to the grind of the bullshit. And then like January 16th, there's traffic people yelling at each other at the 405. On the flip of a dime, people could be like, dude, go on in. Dude, merge. You actually, you know what? You want to swap cars for a day, dude?

I'm driving a fucking, you know, Toyota Corolla. You got a fucking Hummer. Let's swap lives for a car. And then... I got my wife in the trunk. You can fuck her before I drop her off on the 170. That dirty bitch. Trunk fucking.

People used to be very generous with the trunk fucking. Yeah, but come... Pull over. Fuck her. Real quick. High five me while you're fucking her, dude. You don't have a committee. It's your day.

Yeah. Even if you do, I'll pay for the creams. Shit. Come January 16th. I believe it's November. 19 It was just Halloween 10 days ago Like that's what it felt like

Wow dude When you put it in perspective like that Yeah people were What about last Christmas Like I feel like last Christmas Were like two months ago Wow Wow

What are you smoking where Christmas Felt two months ago I guess it did though Huh? It really did This year The holidays are the benchmarks For like how you

Truly right It's kind of how we view Like you know How slow or fast time's moving Do you feel like Shit slows down It goes quicker as you get older Because I've heard both sides of the point

I think it's fucking quickened up One minute I was 21 jumping up and down Eating gorilla biscuits The next minute I was 37 In some bum fuck room in Craig Colorado Getting tomatoes thrown at me The next minute I'm in Hollywood I'm 44 years old

I'm thinking about quitting cocaine You know The next minute you're having a kid at 50 I mean you know it happened like I wake up in chunks I wake up in chunks dude make that t-shirt. I'll buy that. Wake up in chunk.

Yeah, that's a great way to put it. You know, it's like... These fragmented memories. There was a guy in Vegas once, this 92-year-old guy I was talking to him at a bar at the Tropicana, and he looks over and he goes,

how old is probably like, five, six years ago. He said, how old are you? I was like, oh, I remember being 32. He's like, I was actually a pool boy here at the Tropicana. 32, what a great time. He's like, I used to just live

by the seat of my pants, smoke pot, do drugs, buy meth, sell meth. He's like, I remember one time at 32 I met a couple of foreign girls at the pool brought him up to the room paid him to cissory each other in front of me for 30 bucks they bought me lunch I was like I think you're

underestimating or overestimate I'm sorry what I'm doing at 32 but I appreciate it there's no way there's a similarity in the way you were living to how I'm living but he was like my point is enjoy it he goes because I remember all that fucking cup watching lesbians eat each other out next thing you know boom I'm 96 and I was just like I thought you were 92

he's like who knows sounds like you're talking to Joey who like time travel from the future. Like, that's what he tells me to do. Like, every day, where's your britches? I don't have any bitches. Oh, yeah. Every day.

But what would you do if you... Oh, I would do that. I would pay them to scissors each other. Yeah, that's first and foremost, before a meal or a shower. Yeah. Yeah. Just get it out of the way.

You know, it's like you think how life is so unfair in time. It can be. You know, you have all this knowledge. You get older and you start... You know, there's trap, stupid traps. Yeah. I'm not saying that you fall into a trap. I mean, like, just dumb shit.

Yeah. You buy. What's those condos that people buy in Aruba? Time shares. And then you never go down there. And you're like, what the fuck is wrong with me? When I think I was going to go to Aruba. Yeah.

We all make those weird things. But you look back and, like, when I look at my life, I see three different people. Like, I see a kid that was just a geek that just wanted to be accepted and did karate. Oh, no way. And then I see this kid that his mother died. And now he's doing drugs and he's doing criminal shit. And then I see this kid that's doing comedy on the road. and thinking about like,

I can't wait to feature. Like thinking about I can't wait to feature. Like, yeah, I'm featuring for Tribble and this guy and that fucking guy, but I can't wait to be a legitimate feature at an A club. You put that up on a pedestal.

It was like things are going to change. Yeah, and driving like and not seeing anything for miles, just tumble bushes and going, you know, like that's when I think of my life, I see like four different Joey, did oh yeah well that's the one-man show that's how you break it up were you a geek before karate or did you do karate because you were like i think i got too much you know geek vibes i'm putting

out there karate i'll level me out karate because i was a geek i got beat up i didn't like it for what just i got beat up at a park and i had and had with a lunchbox and i don't like the feeling like you know my father was dead i couldn't speak the language and i was being around raised by a mom. So when people would talk about going to a nick game with their dads, I felt left out. Oh, I know that feeling.

So when you have that feeling of being, you know, like an outsider type, and then getting hit with the head with the lunchbox. And it wasn't called bullying back then. It was called kids. That's assault. By the way,

getting hit in the head with a lunchbox, even if it's your favorite cartoon. But it was what it was. In Central Park, there ain't no assault. There's either murder or you walk out a lot. Central Park. The most dangerous park.

in the world, huh? Well, at the time... It's too big to really track all the encounters. Right. It's too huge. Even the birds are like, dude, I'd fuck it. I don't go in there anymore. Part of that park ends up in Spanish Harlem. Like, there's a tail end of that park that's in Spanish Harlem. So the junkies would go in there and shoot. But this was way before. Like, when I got hit there, I just went there as a little kid and there were kids my age.

Yeah. They wanted to take my lunchbox and then they hit me in the head. And I felt so insecure that I joined Karai. and then the kids that were in karate with me were geeks they went to bruce lee movies i moved to jersey they joined karate and we were geeks we went to bruce lee movies we went to china town on saturday and looked at chinese magazines oh yeah someday we're going to go to hong kong and fight the masters you know yeah but you know what dude having that sense of community huge looking back like those guys that were in your world to kind of like you know four or five of us yeah drugs were very healthy

And then when I dipped into drugs in my neighborhood, I had to live two lives. I lived a drug life with my buddies from North Bergen and I lived the karate life with my buddies from Union City. Jesus Christ. Now, if that was karate, if that was the plot of Karate Kid, I would have watched it at least 15 times. They didn't know that I was getting high.

The karate kids didn't know. No. You were living separate lives. So some Saturdays, I go, I can't see you guys. I got to work at my mother's ball. Fuck you. I was going into the city with my other buddies To snort angel dust and play three-card Monty

And fucking, you know, go to strip clubs. Now, did those guys... Did the drug buddies know that you had karate skills at your disposal? Yes, they knew that. Yeah, because in those days, you didn't have black bags or Nike bags like, yeah, after that. You rode your gear up and you rolled your belt around the ghee to control them with the cup in the middle of a towel and your shirt for afterward. So you go to karate with your...

Especially once you got a purple belt or a green belt. Oh, yeah. Show people. Of course. You weren't just a white. That's a proud color. So you get on the bus with a bunch of green belts and brown belts and, you know. So that's another part.

You know, like you look at your life and you go like Lee, right now, even now at 31, there's the podcast that L.A. Lee, then there's the Emerson. Yeah. Oh. There's two completely people. The guy in Emerson didn't smoke pot. The guy in Emerson didn't hear anti-Semitic slurs. The guy in Emerson. Didn't have a scissor dreams, you know?

No, though that stayed the same. But it's... That was consistent. It is crazy how it's just like, like for me, like that's completely different people, almost. I guess to a little bit, but do you think people change? Like, like, on the inside, I still feel similar, but I guess it's, I act a little bit differently.

Like, how similar do you think you are? Or do you think you've changed three or four times? Yeah, I think so. I think whether you can see it or not in the mirror, Like just because your experiences from five years ago are completely different. The people in your life, even if they are the same, they're different, right? So you're always getting, you know, new perspectives and new thoughts coming at you. And that's just going to, like, continue to, you know, shape and form who you are and what you think about.

Like, like, even my, you know, sister has chilled out big time in the last 10 years. And it's like, you know, and that's affected me because she was so fucking crazy and off the rails and had to go to a boarding school. And now she's like, I look at her as like a person with like who has self-worth and like, you know, and actually a good parent now. And it's and that's seeing that happen to her has made me probably, you know, subconsciously just have even more, I don't know, hope or have that bleed into this business where you might get down in certain points. But you're like, fuck man, there's always room to grow and there's always, you know, new, new avenues to go down. and I mean, I don't know, I don't think you ever level out as a person, you know, and that's why life is such a...

I think your beliefs stay the same. Yep. You know, I had beliefs, and then when I got it to stand-up, I looked over beliefs in a different way if I wanted to be funny. Because once you become a stand-up, you have to look at your beliefs

where you actually think is sacred. Yeah. And you have to goof on it a little bit. You know what I'm saying? Like, you just have to goof on a little bit, even though it's sacred to you. You know, whether it's being a... The audience appreciates.

Yeah. You know, whether it being anything, you really got to attack yourself first and attack all this shit that you're going to have a hard time saying. You know, it's not hard to say what you want to say sometimes on stage if you really want to say it. You know, last week they had a thing about some chick that was from America and she went to Isisville and blew an ISIS guy and got pregnant. And now she's trying to come back. I'm very, my beliefs is an American as fuck that bitch. Let her fucking rot over there. She crossed borders to go suck Isis dick.

Now she gets what she's coming down. Was that true? That's what she went there for? Yeah. She boarded a plane. They called her Isis bride, yeah. Isis bride. She had a long-distance relationship with an ISIS guy.

Went over there. Whenever to get some terrorist cock. Yeah. Got pregnant, yeah. Got pregnant and wanted to come back with that terrorist baby? Yes. And I have no, you know, and I said some things on there. And some fucking people hit me up.

And they were like, you know what, man? Some people get offended by your terms. But I don't because I know they're coming from your heart. Yeah. You're very anti-terrorist. Like, I just, I think that there's people that steal and people that lie and people that have death coming to them. If they get hit by a building, nobody would care.

But I don't think it's fair that Lee and his mom go to a mall on Sunday and get shot just for being there. Yeah. I don't believe in that. I believe people have things coming to them. There's a lot of bad people out there. Oh, karma's real for sure. And it is a bitch, and it'll come get you.

But I don't think you should be. You should be at Walmart getting school supplies. Fuck no. And some 15-year-old drives 10 hours to shoot you. Whether it's homegrown terrorism, whatever, the ideology, all of it. You know, I was in New York in 94. I was in New York when they tried to bomb the World Trade Center. I was packing out.

I was doing stand-up, and I was passing out packages for a phone company. A guy would give me 400 a week to just go into a building and pass out intro packages. on sunshine communication yeah yeah tells you what you get and stuff like that right and I'll never forget that it was like Adam Ray was supposed to call me at 12 and never called all these people were supposed to call me for coke because it was Friday so this Friday Coke day Friday was Coke day what was Wednesday I'd be in the city and you would call me and go Joey do me a favorite pick up a gram on the way back or give you 60 bucks

yeah because I can't make it to the city so it was Coke day so when I realized it was like three o'clock why hasn't nobody gotten to me and then I stopped at a store and somebody goes you don't know what happened they just tried to blow up the World Trade Center and that's the tower that controls all the communication off to the pages this is when they first tried to do it in 94 93 yeah i remember that basement with the truck and they went back and asked for the deposit and i just something blew up right there was yeah it wasn't explosion a partial blog yeah but i still remember seeing people on the a train and seeing the looks on their faces and like how could something like this happen you know never mind 9-11 never mind the can't the Vegas thing never mind all these

things you know you're in Vegas and join a country Western concert and all of a sudden you're getting shot out by a fucking window yeah so all these acts no matter what you call them I have something against that we went away from what we were talking about but it's like when I got off to Coke, I got all these strong beliefs back about myself that I had before I started doing Coke. These were beliefs I believed when I was 13.

Oh wow. We're all the way back. Yeah, like it went like those beliefs. Damn, dude. Started coming out. So Coke is just blocking so much clarity. It blocks so much clarity. I remember that I was a man again. Wow. So before we were a comedian, you come up to me with that stupid goof on your

face, knock it off. Because before we became comedians, were men so knock it the fuck off so all that came back to me like all that had covered up all those emotions so I think your emotions and your beliefs stay the same thousand percent I agree I goof around a lot on the shit that I have strong beliefs again because it makes me a better comic yeah I have to yeah you know it's like I tell Lee's like I don't like eat an ass for you to become a better comic you're gonna eventually have to eat somebody's ass because that's part of of the discipline.

Yeah. It's doing things you hate doing. Step it out of your comfort zone. Stepping out of your comfort zone. You know, that's how you figure out who you are. It's the only way to do it. That's the only way to do it. So I don't get what you want to do.

What you want to do really makes no difference. Yeah. What do you not want to do? What you wanted to do has gotten you to nowhere. Wow. So if it's gotten you to nowhere, why are we still playing this fucking charade? Wow, dude.

Just do what needs to be doing. Do outside. I think to become a, for me to really start hitting with comic, I had to say shit that I didn't want to say. About the Catholic religion. Are you kidding me? I love Catholicism. Sure.

I was raised on that. You never said, you never blast from meat. I'm up there talking about pedophile smoke and church. You know, so I want people to understand. Like, I'm a church guy. I'm a Catholic guy. I don't ever want to hear a fucking Jesus joke. but for me to become a better comic

I had to say Jesus joke and I had to come to the conclusion that the Jews killed Jesus you know you could do both yeah they didn't the last supper no they went hijacked that motherfucker they knew what time it was you want to buy all this religious

shit that the light came in taste my bread the bread that's my body that's not the way it was yeah Jews didn't even let you pass the bread around you know what I'm saying they came in with knives out what can I say yeah they came in knives I started stabbing motherfuckers.

So all those things you have to... That was my first attack. It's so funny that you say that even just getting like the balls to split that line and have something that means so much to you be able to poke fun. It's like I just got slim. I just did the Dolby with Dan Cook last Saturday. And in this joke about being Jewish, wanting to be in the NBA. And I just had this new tag where I make fun of how my mom said, you never be in the NBA.

No Jews in the NBA, blah, blah, blah. And then I tag it with, I go, Jews never be in the NBA. We're done showering in groups. and then people kind of get split with like a lot of o's but a lot of laughter and then I go you guys it's a good joke I go you don't have to like it here you can laugh on the way home if that's more your speed and then that gets like also another reaction and but I haven't stopped doing it and I've got a lot of comics friends mine that I respect to be like man that's a good tag you know it's a funny uh end of that and you know shit man I've been to the camps of bar mitzvah very

I'm Jew through and through you know but but again it's like at some point I had that thought for that joke there's got to be something about your religion you don't like Yeah, there's gotta be some. There's a lot of stuff about it. You know, when Sebastian first did that bit about going to a sater. Oh, it's true. And how bad the food is. Oh, yeah.

I was like, damn, this is a good joke. Yeah, yeah. But I think it would have been a lot better joking for a Jew and the one out there yelling. A thousand percent. Fuck that food. Yeah. Fuck nana. You know, whatever you guys call grandma. What do you call grandma?

No, no. Oh, a boobby or so? Bubby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck boobie. I know it was some private part. You can't say fuck boobby. You can't say fuck booby.

No, this is what I'm saying. You have to. You have to say, you have to fuck Boobie. You gotta say fuck Bubba. Yeah. Fuck a fucking husband, too, with his fucking shiny. Fuck you and your Gifilterfish. Yeah, with his archwood shoes on.

His archwitches. For a Jew to really break through as a Jew. Yeah. He has to go up there and do one of the weirdest things ever. And that's making an arshwood shirt, even though he had an aunt. Oh, an uncle. Yeah, it doesn't mean you don't respect that experience and that you don't have empathy for that, you know,

and that's what this woman was coming at me for on Facebook. She was like, I just thank you as a Jew to make that joke and to comment on a situation. And then she was, you know, she's like, do you even know what the Holocaust is? I mean, now she's just questioning my, you know, understanding of historical events. And I'm like, yeah, and, you know, I just put,

thanks for coming out. Glad you enjoyed it. It wasn't worth getting into trying to break down to her that, you know, like you just said, we have to take these risks. and you have to, you know, find the funny in things that shouldn't, you know, that not everyone's thinking of finding some humor in.

That was a little Jewish guy in Boulder. I forget what his name was. He came into the in and out. Ronnie Leibowitz. No, he came into the deli. Yeah. The deli zone. I used to hang out to the deli zone.

It was called the deli zone? Deli zone. I love that. It opened up at 8 and they served the mean ham and egg sandwich. Oh. I forget what his name was. I was glad to ask him. What fuck you've been?

We were worried about you. And he goes, don't worry about me. Worry about yourself. He was like an older guy. I forget, what the fuck? I just was going to tell you. Oh, one day, we were just talking. And I was just, he was 93.

I'd been doing comedy like two years. I was still not doing Catholic jokes. No way. And no way would I do. It wasn't even the realm of possibility for you. No, even the possibility. I would not even consider doing it. You'd see people doing it, and you were like,

how do they do that? Yeah, I'm not going to do that. You're going to die in hell, you dirty, mother-ball. This guy's up here fucking boobies. One day, two of the owners of the deli zone were Jewish, and the other two were like, one was that new nationality, Albanian. Oh, yeah. What was Albanian?

They're like Italian light. They always make pizzas and shit. One of the best Italian restaurants in Jews. Jersey, told him by Albanians. That's a big secret, but nobody's supposed to know. Oh, my God. And I'll never forget he made a stap one day. Somebody said something.

He was talking about pizza. And he goes, this place, he goes, this place Boulder is terrible. You can't get pizza here. You get better pizza in Auschwitz as far as I'm concerned. Dog, I just looked at them in my drop because I had never heard it. Oh, yeah.

From a Jew at a Jew deli? I never heard it. But the best Jew jokes I ever ever heard had been from jewish yeah man like the a good good solid jew joke like that there was this guy up in boston who ran the comedy club at club 56 and one day he had me like you know like when people give you a joke you not prepared for it yeah you think they're telling you like a like a real story one day he's like man i was in new york one day and these four guys won a bench a priest a rabbi and a fucking cardinal and he's telling me the story i'm like really That's weird.

His convincing delivery. You're just like, wow, what an odd grouping. And all of a sudden he goes, Jesus came by. Like, oh, now this is a joke. And he goes, Jesus went up to the Cardinal and says, what can I do for you, my son? And he's like, I got a sick hand to say a prayer for it. God, please. He goes, what can I do for you?

And he goes, I got cancer in my foot. Healy, he looks at the rabbi. What can I do for you? And he goes, don't touch me. I'm on disability. First time I heard that joke, I thought, my, balls are gonna fly to my fucking head because I grew up in New York and every Jews on disability don't touch me fuck they all tell you don't touch me I'm on

disability that is hilarious so funny hilarious yeah it's a common you know and real stereotype that Jews a little you know little paranoid little not standoffish because we're very loving and forward personable people but there is like a yeah like a man we kill the hell really oh yeah I've yesterday on Twitter. What he said? He said, 34 years ago today, I was somewhere complaining about something. Oh, my God.

Yeah, and I'm like, that is fucking funny. That is fucking tremendous. Oh, yeah, dude. But it's so weird how you have to become a really good comic, you got to do like three or four things that you don't really want to talk about. Like, I hate talking about abortion on stage. Like when I was. Why? Just doesn't.

I don't need. to put that bend in people's hearts. Now, do you feel that there's certain things like that that should be off limits or just for you personally, you're like, I got nothing funny in that... Just for me personally. Yeah. I think that people got Doug Stanitis.

When Doug Stanhope got big 20 years ago, he had a great abortion bit of something from there. All these young companies showed up with the, you know, and they all had the same line. Kick the head of an aborted fetus. Yeah. You know, those type of lines. I don't like those.

Yeah, yeah. I think you're not going any way with those. But any subject could be made to sound brilliant. I hate when people go, well, that's a hacky subject. If it's a brilliant joke, it's a brilliant joke. I don't give a fuck if it's hacky enough. It's a brilliant fucking joke. I was just dropping knowledge every day, you know?

I mean, so even just aside from comedy, like, the reason why I ask the question is, like, that's sort of what I'm struggling with is, like, I came here, and I don't know if it's my upbringing or what it is. but like I'm too naive I still trust people like oh let's go do this and like the whole LA stuff like I still

I feel like I need to get over and and grow up a little bit but I don't I don't know if I'm going to be 50 years old still like oh I trust everybody and everyone like it's just even outside of comedy like even though you can change a little bit I'm like I feel like I'm still that

eight year old kid inside who goes to Hebrew school and like to eat snacks and watch TV. I don't know. I don't know if you, if, like, what's deep inside of you ever changes. Like, that's what I'm worried about. No, it changes. You mature.

You look at things differently. You look at your mistakes differently. Yeah, you'll be a different person in 10 years. I hope so. You know, I didn't like broccoli when I was eight, and I still don't like broccoli. All right. I didn't like cauliflower when I was eight,

and I still don't like cauliflower. You put a beat on my dish And that red juice touches my mashed potato You're gonna be a long time wrestling Yeah You know this I had had yogurt since I'd never had yogurt until freshman year of college

Because I was so baked And the campus store was closed My buddy went to his dorm room And he's like I got some yogurt So like dude anything I'm fucking starving I start chow him down on this And he's just like dude you're eating that Like you've never had yogurt before

And I was like I haven't And he was like are you kidding me So then he opens his second fridge There's like 30 flavors like oh You gotta be fuck Imagine discovering, imagine discovering yogurt for the first time and seeing that there's fucking 90 flavors. But I mean, you know, there's just, there's a lot of things that, that to me was so crazy that it was such an eye-opening moment too because I was like, man, if I haven't had yogurt until I'm 19, like, what am I going to experience or discover like in two years from now? You know what I'm saying?

And it was, and again, I had to put myself in a position that was like leaving home to go to school and like smoking pot for the first time. And then, you know, hanging out with kids in the theater school that I didn't necessarily have a lot in common with. But we, Pot brought us together. We had some cool conversations that brought us all back to somebody's dorm. And then we're hanging out, listen to the music, whatever. There's some girls on that floor that somebody was trying to fuck. And then all of a sudden there's a fucking yogurt smorgasborg and just, you know, I don't have the point of that story was. But new experiences.

I didn't eat sushi tall. It was 32. There we go. That's what I'm talking about. 32? 32. God damn. I live in New York.

God damn. In Seattle. Was that an active choice? You've been around it, right? Just been around it. I saw desperately seeking Susan and the cab driver Tony Longo had a great line because I tried sushi once.

Wasn't that good until I brought it home and cooked it. The dumbest line in the world, but I just always remember that. I'm like, I don't want to eat raw fish. Yeah. And then some girl bought a California row one night. And I tasted the basic California roll. I was like, fuck, this ain't bad.

Yeah. And then I went in there and tried a couple things, some things I hated, and some things I fell in love with it, and the rest is fucking history. I'd never get sushi on an airplane, would you? No. Yeah, that seems like the gamble of all time. When I hear people being like, you know who's got terrible fucking California rolls, Delta Airlines? I'm like, the fuck are you even rolling the dice for that?

I don't even like taking sushi to go. It doesn't hold? It doesn't hold up. It doesn't hold up. It doesn't hold up. Something happens on that car ride. Something in the six minutes or whatever. Sushi, so instead of fucking when it, just eat it there.

Keep it at the home base, man. I'm not going to lie to again. When things were rough, I'd pick up a spicy roll from Rouse, but it had to be at 9.30 in the morning. Yeah, when they just got done. As soon as the jab put it on the fucking candle, you watch her like a hawk. I go in there and watch that bitch like a hawk.

Especially rock and roll rouse, because I do the butcher rock and roll rouse. Yeah, yeah. You know the butcher? I used to. This is years ago. That's exciting. There's a black butcher that was big at rock and roll out.

It's awesome. And I used to get him to cook fish for me. Like I'd pick a fish and he'd deep fry it in the back and I'd just take him it to go back. That's fucking incredible. Cut little nuggets up. You were homies with the local deli guy? Always got to be.

That's the dream. You got to be. You got to make relationships with your local vendors, you know? If you're a fat fuck, you should know the owner of every restaurant you frequent. You should get the gnomes. You could take a piece. in the kitchen that's all you always do yeah peek in the kitchen let me see what the kitchen looks like make sure the people aren't picking their noses I don't

want to eat unless I know somebody at that joint you know yeah my relationship with them you know it's very my loyalty for different products is extraordinary like if I find something that works for me there's no reason to go anywhere yeah but it's better take your wife take your mother don't take me I found I found you dope you You know what I'm saying? Would you ever start a restaurant or own one or invest in one? It would have to be the ideal location.

I know exactly what I want in a restaurant. Oh, yeah? I know exactly what I want and what I could cover the spread for. The days of carpet joints are done. You're just going to, you can't keep up with the Joneses. It's too much to keep alive a restaurant at daytime. It's too competitive. Yeah.

And, you know, food and salmonella and all that risk. I would like a bar that served the late night menu. Yeah. Okay, if I had, if I moved to Louisville, Reno, Tahoe or something like that, I would consider a bar

10-seater. Oh, intimate. A couple tables. I don't want it to be, you know, Brad Pitt's house. I want it to look like you could get, if you fall and slip on the floor, that could be it.

Green could go into your blood system from the floor. You want to hear people be like, was that cum or puke? But I want the kitchen to be spotless. No mice, no rats. It's got to be. And I want a place where people to go on 1130 and get an open cheese steak sandwich and a beer on the way home.

Damn, dude. Something that does not even exist in Los Angeles. You know, I went the other night to Artie Morton's. I went to go up with my wife. I'm like, how does this place close at 10 o'clock? If this place closed at 12.30, I know I'd be in here with Lee once a week, Get an open steak sandwich.

Oh, yeah. Watching the TNT NBA report. Oh, yeah. You know what I need? Something easy on the tube, too. There's nothing to eat around here. There's nothing like that. Closing it 10 in one of the biggest cities on the planet is just.

It never sounded right to me. And then you go to New York where you can make reservations at a restaurant at 1.30. I know. And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah, I know, man. What the fuck? That's a treat. And it's how it should be everywhere.

Because there's people that, you know, even in a small Midwest, you know, I'm going to Omaha in a couple weeks and I know they're big on food and it's like but that's not a place that's going to keep things open until 4 in the morning because they just I don't know maybe they assume that no one's gonna want to be up that late but I'm like a restaurant by the hotel oh yeah up the corner

have you been to Omaha before yeah but not this is my first one of the funny bomb okay well that hotel I'm not gonna say a name of it okay corner from that like 50 yards hit it up dog they got a nice fillet who that lays on fried yokey what with a crab cake on top.

You literally just named three of my favorite foods. Oh, no, no, fried yokey. I've never even known yokey coming from dry. I just got caught in my eyes. I had to go all the way to Omaha, Nebraska, going to find out that you can fry yokey. So they fried the yoniki, they put the sirline on top,

so the gravy, if the juice in the steak goes into the fried yorky, then they put a crab cake on top of there. By the way, I just felt like I was at the restaurant, the waiter describing what stop stop stop i wanted that both days if you were the person describing that potential meal to me i'd be like dude

let's put aside eating it can i go in the back and fuck that plate delicious it was delicious i love traveling my main reason for doing comedy is fucking going to an off like some guy hit me up the other day and I feel really bad

like I felt really bad from because I knew where his heart was but he's like Man, when you come to Dallas, I know where you're going to get the best burger. I'm like, listen, when I travel, the last thing I want to use a burger. If you travel and get an hamburger, you're a stiff. He's just a fucking stiff. I don't care what they tell you about the burger. Like, if you travel and actually make a date to go for a burger, you should deserve to be smacked.

Yeah. You know, like, when I go to travel, I want to get something from the town. Yes. I want to go, like, when I go to Alba. What do you think I go to Alba? I was Albuquerque for. How many of them? I do.

I go down there for Winkle John to see John Jones. Wow. And I go down there for that fucking green chili and that Mexican style. Because it's classic and specific to them. When you go to Texas, the last thing I want is a fucking hamburger. Fuck no, dude. Unless it's like, you know, and even then I don't want the fucking hamburger. You got gumbo, you got Tex-Mex, a fucking burger.

You know, I had a burger in New Jersey. And it was 27 miles outside of New York. It's called the stage. I like that. If you ever do New Brunswick, yeah. I've done it, yeah. Tell Vinny, you want to go to the stage.

The stage? Tell him to send over a burger from the stage. I love that. It's 27 miles outside of New York, but it was still boated the number one hamburger in New York City. Holy shit. Like two years in a row.

New Yorkers got jealous, and they banned it out. But we went in there for dinner the first night. Yeah. And the second, the guy's like, nobody's getting a burger. And we're like, not really. And the guy's like,

I love you guys. There's no more burger. New York City. We're like, what? Yeah, whatever. The next night, that's Dean. Have you seen Dean? Dean Doe.

Oh, we fucking got the burger and the fries. They came over. They were like, they want to send you over a burger on the house. I said, send it. And I made plans because of weight watches. Yeah? You know me? I try.

You're killing it. You're killing it. I cut it now. Okay. I said, I'm going to make a deal of myself. You know, I don't know how many calories you burn. points you burn when you're on stage and now I do know that when I get on stage

after two hours of comedy I'm fucking starved. Yeah. I could eat a fucking bull. That's why I bring protein bars to me for the whole time. Good move. Protein bars, protein shakes, you know, sometimes I'll break for a law and order. I'd say it's a law law and order where the

mother paid the fucking hospital clerk to fucking a retired daughter because she was dying and she couldn't have a kid so they wanted a kid. You know that's a classic. That's a good one. Yeah. They paid the fucking, the hotel nurse.

Yeah. To fuck the daughter because she was in the coma from a car accident. Oh my God. And she was on life support system. So they paid her to fuck her. Dude, they could have a grandchild. Who writes that? You think that was based from a true story somewhere?

They are. They are. 25 years of law and order is based from stories in the paper. They tell you at the end. That's why they make sure that the names and the changes. That's all factually accurate, huh? They take a story from the paper, and the New York headlines,

like some crack mother puts a baby in the microwave oven. They'll just take that story to say she took... But raise the hot pocket. Yeah. Put a hot pocket in there and put twins in there to boot. So she'd get the flavor from the hair onto the hot pocket. Whatever the fuck, you know. I don't fuck.

Yeah, dude. But sometimes I'll take like a bag of Doritos up, and I eat at like three or four chips and I'll throw it away. Just something to be more. Yeah, just to pump you up for a minute. But it's a flavor and some juice. I'm fucking starving when I eat like I love Tuesdays at the store because I get in that car. I zoom right over to Joe's on Hollywood Boulevard.

I put the hazards on and I fly in there. I give those Mexicans a $20 bill. I'm like, oh, get me two slices in the box. Roppie though. Like if ice is coming, like if you know ice is two blocks away, how thick, how fast would you give me that slice? That's how fast I don't want. The guy gives me napkins. He charges me.

He gives me a lemon iced tea diet. I jump in the car, and I'm starting. You're ready to go, yeah. 16 points, but I save him for Tuesday. You do, huh? Oh, I basically. So you're fired up tonight. Yeah, no, especially with this fucking bum leg.

Yeah. I've been eating my wife's cooking for four days. Somebody stabbed me. My wife's a great cook, but the same cooking for four or five times. Oh, man. And I can't eat breakfast or more. Why not? I haven't had breakfast in a week because when you take pills, you got to eat yogurt and

compocha. Gotcha. If not, you shit. those blocks of blood on them. Fuck. Yeah, you know, once they give you muscle relaxes and viking in and... It clogs you up, right?

It clogs you up. So you gotta eat a lot of yogurt. They eat the shit yogurt. Jamie Lee Curtis stuff, right? Yeah, I gotta eat a lot of yogurt. Who would have thought that Jamie Lee Curtis would be the face of shit yogurt, you know? Activa, right?

Is that what you chowed down on? I don't know. She was a spokesman. She gets, my wife gets, like, regular vanilla yoga. Okay, oh, so regular yogurt. It's not the stuff with, like, extra fiber. I don't like Greek. shit. Oh yeah. That shit's nasty

and a motherfucker. They give it to you on Delta and America. I'm going to cut that shit out and go back to Danin. You know, and I have a feeling that Greek yogurt. That owned by like a hummus company like in behind. Greek hummus wasn't big. Greek yogurt wasn't big

to about three or four years ago. Everybody was happy with Danin with the fruit of the bottom of the cup. Yeah, dude. Even Yolplay was making a pretty good name for themselves. If you look at today's article, people people are not eating yogurt that much because of dietary things are changing. I love yogurt.

When I go to eat and I see our boy Mark Seritella. Yeah. Is that his name? Seratella? Oh, yeah. When I go to eat, I always get the bacon eggs, one piece of toast,

and I get the yogurt bowl. It's fucking delicious. That's awesome. And me and my wife split it just for probiotics. Yeah. You know, I'd split just to clean your fucking tummy. Yeah, yeah.

You got to take care of yourself when you're an old fucking bat like me. Would you guys do a commercial like that? Like, hi, I'm Joey Diaz and I'm here for, like, I don't know, shit yogurt or anal pads or just something like, what do you, like a commercial like that? Depends on where I am in my life if I need the product, but also, you know, I don't, it's, you know, if anal pads is truly coming with like, you know. Like men's tampons. Eight figures. I mean, men's tampons.

Is that a real thing? No, I'm just trying to think of an embarrassing. I don't listen to him. Men's tanpont. Leave me alone. Are you trying to ask if I would take 50 mil to do a man pawn? Is it? Yeah, yeah.

I would do, see, that's a good invention for you. Lee, right there down. A man tampon for gay men who want to dick but don't have the time. They just pop up in their ass and leave it there. It's like Benoit balls. You put them in your ass on, and then you come back that night and pull them out while you're eating up. There you go. But isn't it for after that when you're leaking?

No. No? That's for people. recorded. You want to get the ass for when it's tight. So you put the bedrock balls in her ass before she goes to work and you leave a little fuse out like a pan pump. And then when

she comes home to work, you tell her abandon ship on the pan and he's going to eat that monkey. You put a two finger louie and her pussy. You eat that little glit to death. And then she's huffing and puffing and you just rip that chain out. Shoot that poison arrow through my heart. You just rip it out and blood and toys

fall out. It's like a fucking Mexican thing. out of pulls out there, man. You're eating that fucking muffler. It's tremendous. And now, forward from our sponsor. Yeah, baby. You can transpose that entire

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So as you were saying, a couple weeks ago, you and I were at the store. Oh, yeah. It was a Sunday night. Yeah. And I don't know who's... The main room. We're on. We're in.

We're in. And I walk in and Bill Burr's up there. His special just came out like on the Tuesday before. Yeah, dude. And he's just... Uphorius applause when he enters the stage. And he's just fucking level in the room. Yeah.

And I walk in and I go... I didn't even say nothing. I just walk in. I walk back there. You were back there. Yeah. I think the pothead was back there. Yeah.

What's his name? Doug Benson? Doug Benson. A couple of us. Saratella was there, I think. Seretella was there. Yeah. And I'm looking at you and going,

do you want me to follow Bill? And you go, no, I'm supposed to be up next. I'll follow him. Like, well, you sure? If you want to follow him? And you go, yeah, no, I'm following Bill. And you kind of turn your back. And part of me was disappointed

because I wanted to follow him just to see where I am. Yeah. But the other part of me was so fucking impressed with you. You know, I'm at the store for 23 years. And when I hear the pussy shit That goes down down there It doesn't even go through my ear There was a point where I used to torture people

For being picky and selective Trying to massage their spots Yeah, massage their spots And who they're going to follow And who they're not going to follow Yeah And I gave them shit But then after a while I stopped

Because I go, you're going to learn the hard way You're going to learn when you least expected You come down here, you don't follow nobody Well, one day APAs will want to see you CBS for a showcase and you're going to go down there and guess you're going to have to follow. A motherfucker like Bill Burton,

you're going to go, fuck! I should have followed him at the store on those nights where I should have followed him. No, I'm not ready for this. And it's so weird how I've always loved you. I think you're a sweetheart.

I cheer for you when I see you on different TV shows. I appreciate you. I don't know if it was the one about the music I saw you on with a nice sweater and your hair was done to the side. Oh, is that ballers maybe? No.

Yeah, yeah, it was ballers. You're playing golf? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were like, you know, super white Trump preppy dudes, given JD Washington some shit. They always dug you in. I always knew you were a hard worker, but once you said that to me that night,

I knew you were one of us. I knew that you accepted your fate. Oh, man. You're like a Marine. If you get shot, you're okay. They'll give you a mom a flag. Yeah. There's a fuck.

Yeah, yeah. But it just takes a weird, I could tell you thousands of stories at the store of people calling up and complaining. and the people who just stopped showing down there because they had to follow a particular person that you just failed. You fail on your own.

You're giving up if you're doing that, huh? You gave up before you even fucking started. Fuck. I never understood what the mentality was behind that. Yeah, that was crazy. And I love you for even acknowledging that because it's like, you know, I'll be honest, I'm back there and it's like, you know,

Burr's ripping the room. and you know I'd followed you a bunch in the OR which to be honest like that's one of those spots too I've never viewed massaging spots as even an option and I think I saw people doing it early on and I was so turned off by it oh man I was like oh and I was like why would you want to you can I go up before you I have a spot oh I and I'd see people do that and then still be at the bar or they'd be like I got an early flight and then they're hanging out and I'm like oh dude True colors. And you're like, do I smack this guy?

Yeah. Do I go up to him and embarrass him on the other guy? You just go, hey, he's getting it. He'll get his. Okay. I'll say, and you know what? I know two or three guys. I used to see them do that a lot in bar shows.

And today, they're dying. Stand-up is one of the most just professions where it's like, man, the ball don't lie. You know what I'm saying? And if you kind of, if you start trying to, you know, mix and maneuver and just like adjust things the way that if you're worrying about things other than ripping it on stage and doing your job and trying to get the most out of that for you, if your heads in other spaces, at least that's for me what I figured out.

I was like, if I'm going to be concerned with where I'm up in the lineup, then I've already lost for the night as far as whatever I'm going to do on stage. Because that's, I've already kind of put these blocks and barriers up of like, oh, I can only do well if I'm there, or I can't do the things I want to do because of this and that,

which is so fun. fucking insane to even actively do that to yourself. And so being at the main room, also it's like the store has become this, you know, real, especially now, you know, when I was working the phones there, around 2013, I think, and 2010, actually. And, you know, it was, it's obviously a different energy now. It's a different. And so you want to, you want to be a part of that even more. And you want to be in the thick of it. And being in the main room, man, was packed like that.

And the idea of being sandwiched between you and Burr was like, you know, just something. I was like an outer body experience for a moment because look, you know, the lineups, you know, I'll do the 9 PM a lot in the OR and then or 1115, 1130. And in the main room sometimes it just shakes up

how it shakes up. And there are times when you're on a certain spot or in and Burr or somebody will come in. And even, and guess what, if you had said too, like, I got to get out of here or I got a spot in the OR. Do you mind if I go next? Yeah, like I'm so easy with that too.

again, because I'm not trying to go, I have no ego about it where it's like, yeah, I'll go after you and then after, because I've also, again, heard the people that go, well, I don't want to, the room will be dead. They say, you know, they'll be tired of laughing. Burr, then Joey, and then I'm going to go up. Like, so that doesn't even cross my mind.

But I love you. So if you were like, dude, I got to get out of here. And my legs hurting. Can I do this? And then bounce. I would be like, fuck yeah, dude. Because, you know, so those types of case by case things should always be, you know, you know, present.

in your mind but but yeah man the challenge of it of like following that and then bringing you up and dude it made me want to like you know you want to always great i was watching you i went out there i mean dude you were confident you weren't like rattled because that's what most american what most humans what i might blame on this on americans for yeah we lose in our mind before we get there and for years i lost in my mind before i get there yeah i could tell you guys thousands we could sit here till tomorrow on how many things I didn't do because of my fear. Honest danger. Damn, for real.

Yeah. I remember going to a comedy contest one time. Before any of us started, I'm the old man in the room. The big contest was HBO came to the town. Okay. And let's say Lee lived in Boston and you lived in Milwaukee. HBO showcased everybody. Then they narrowed it down in three.

Yeah. Came back and they had a big contest. Yeah, yeah. And then if you were really lucky, they'd never. narrowed down into regionals. And then you went to nationals. So the big ones are Johnny Walker. I don't know if you know this.

If you go into old archives, Johnny Walker booze was huge into comedy. Yeah. In the 80s, early 90s. If you won Johnny Walker, it was Johnny Walker, HBO, and San Francisco comedy competition. I know about that one, yeah.

So you had to do something in those three. To make a name, huh? make a name yeah get the ball going yeah Johnny Walker was like guaranteed 20 weeks from the improv god damn um you know $50,000 cash and you got to do a spot in front of Mitzie on a

Sunday night I'll take it right was that was clean out like that was but I I I you know many of those contests I went to and just looked around and I got intimidated by T-shirts like guys I don't have like

Minneapolis County zone yeah yeah yeah There was a guy that had an NBC shirt I'm like fuck this And I just ran out of it No way Get an NBC jacket And I just left because I thought I didn't have a chance

That's so crazy So but I'm not the only person who's done this I know from experience of living in LA People who have just Not come back to the store Because it wasn't You know listen not The Laugh factory isn't for everybody

The Improv on Metal Rose isn't for everybody and the comedy stores for everybody. I like all three. Me too. But I've had people come up to me and go, dog, I can't step foot in the store. Why? It's too dark. It's too dark.

They're creating excuses for themselves because the fear is too. No, you don't think? In my mind, there's a lot of clubs I don't like. Now, if they're paying the Vig, I like them. You know what I'm saying? If you want to pay the freight,

we'll make an exception. But if you're not going to pay the phrase, there's just clubs that you just don't like something about it. Of course. There's got to be three clubs right now in your arsenal. I don't have you been doing comedy for? 13 years. 13 years.

There's three clubs that from the minute you walk in, you feel creepy. And every time you walk in there, you go, this is my last time in this motherfucker. Tell you. If they call you with a bigger offer, and you're like, God damn it, mallow as fuck.

And you're like, I don't want to go there. I want to go to penguins and they're like, well, penguins ain't going to pay you this money. You're like, motherfucker. You know, there's so many fucking places that you don't like. And I get that. You know, I think that since I've been at the store for the last 16 months, I've changed completely as a comic because I was shopping around town too much and I was getting, whatever, just disenchanted other comedy clubs.

I feel now that for me to improve and grow, I just got to go to the comedy clubs. Tommy Stone. Yeah. There's no better place than me following Adam Ray one night. You know, fucking Brad ain't no party to fucking follow either. Dude, that's back in a lot. Bobby Lee's no fucking party. Rogan's no party.

Run White's no party. You know, forget Chris DeLeer. Yeah. If he gets him jumping up and down, you got a long 15 minutes ahead of you. Yeah. You know, if there's a 70% average of hot chicks in the audience and Chris Delea goes up, you might as well, fuck. and shoot yourself right now back chair

because you ain't get nowhere you gotta make time for them to put their pants back on you're not getting nowhere so what you do is you go up there you watch them do not go up there like it took me a year to learn how to follow heavy acts like if you go up what you do

what was your process my process at first was to go up there and focus too much on Lee Syatt let's keep it going for Lisa Ad he did a great job today he's a real fucking pro yeah okay here we are and I'm not a pro

fuck Lee Syatt you walk in there and say keep it going for Lee and you fly into Lee's energy so those last three or four jokes Lee said while you're sitting in the back in Mitzi's chair you're picking up his word

yeah his whatever because you're going to go up there and flip right into his energy so when he walks off stage he's going to leave that castle and you're going to go gonna walk into that guy you ever seen like a play oh yeah yeah yeah yeah how they walk off

there's five people holding something and they just zip you up it's like being in the indianapolis 500 yeah oh yeah yeah yeah it's the same thing you've got 20 seconds to get into sleeves costume do his tenacity don't put them down don't go let's keep it going for the chubby motherfucker oh dude they loved them why would you why would you do that dude why and I've seen it a thousand times gotta know let's keep it going for the mexican well they love that

mexican yeah what do you doing keep it going for the mexican have to suck his dick but celebrate him for a minute you better and I used to celebrate them like let's keep it going for palmone yeah you know oh shit for michaelia no I'm phomber at the month I'm giving them their resume uh yeah yeah

I'm putting myself down another like who's this guy yeah who the fucking you forget he's fan of out over yeah. I'm not being disrespectful for the Lee. I'm just saying you saw Lee, he killed, fuck him. He's done. He's on his way up Laurel King. I honestly think that's the only way to do it.

That's how to do it. It's to ride the wave, you know? And that's exactly what I thought that night. Do Burr gave me a pretty nice intro? Because I even said, he goes, what do you want me to say about you? And I go, and I never even thought, you know, Burr was, and you know, we've been homies for a few years now. So I was like, oh, and I started to kind of think and I paused. And then he just goes, you know what? No, fuck it. At first I go, I go, I go, hey, whatever.

you want and then he goes really and I go actually you know what he goes no no fuck it I got it whatever whatever I want he goes I got it and I'm like oh great now what is he gonna fucking do but he's just such a sweet art such a pro gives me a nice intro I was on a show with a mutual friend of ours from new kids on the block this guy joy McIntyre and he loved that show so he gave me a glowing thing about it's like I fucking love this show he was on my buddy Joey Mac one of the new kids fucking hey it's great's fucking got a podcast with the little fella and then he just goes you know let's give it up gives me a you know so I'm going out there with a true opportunity to win you know what I'm saying and uh and again I stepped out and he

fucking murdered and I know you're coming up behind me dude so it's like in my head I'm like I got excited for the crowd I was like dude if I just ride this wave I always got energy so I know I'm always just to take it up a notch and then so it was a I got excited the idea of it going you know burn and I ride that wave into you and then you just fucking blow the roof off dude and that's what happened but but having any thought different than you know you know you And again, I didn't fucking overly praise Burr. You know, it's just like, what do you got to say?

Keep it going on, man. And everybody's like, holy shit. Said something else. And then I got right into them. What's up, you savage. Yeah, yeah, dude. I said, Burr's gone. You just switched the channel.

He's off the stage, yeah. But if you keep them there like a memorial, if you keep them and keep them and keep talking about them, you're not going to get in the way. People were thinking about him. What side did he walk out of? Maybe I can go say hi to him. No, man. I would go up, give him praise, and then go, Bert said something really for him.

Bill said. said something really funny. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? What are you rehashing his shit for? What are you rehashing his shit for? Time to move forward, man. So it was just so much,

I called Rogan the next day. I saw something fucking crazy last night. Fucking, I went up to Adam Ray, asked him if I could follow Brill. He's like, no, I'm next. And he's like, he's the real deal. I know. Joe said that?

Yeah, because we live for that shit. That's what being a comic, that's what being a human being is. Yeah. is eliminating all the fear from your life to get the most potential from your life. Yeah. The more fear you hide, you know,

and listen, and don't, well, Joey just said, you know, I got fear of fucking Hindu food. You know, it's a real feel. You serve you food with fucking sandals on. Yeah, yeah. I don't like Thai food, you know. But those insecurities are not teaching me something. Like, I really don't want to travel abroad.

Like, I'm just scared. Like, I don't know if I'm scared, I don't want to do it. Should I get my visa? I know I'm going to learn a fountain of information. Yeah. By going abroad. Yeah. You know, and that's what we're scared of sometime that we might learn something.

That's something good might happen. You know, it took me 14 months to get on stays the first time. Why do you think? Because I was scared. Too long. I put people in the trunk of a car. I break into places. I stole jewelry stores.

I do shit that nobody, you know. I used to pick pocket people at supermarkets. What? People looking at the odor and leave their purse open. I just walked by Friday when you get paid. Please tell me you made that face too when you did it. Oh, yeah. Take it to go.

Take it to go. So I did all these things, but I'm scared to go up on a stage and do three minutes. Something I've been doing all my life except without the stage. We've been being social all our lives. Well, that's what's crazy about stand-up, dude, that you truly, I mean, pickpocketing, Rob, whatever, but there's still, what is it about getting up there by yourself and having all these people? That's why there's a select few that do it and really end up standing out through the test of time because a majority, what percentage of the world you think just

could not even fathom? I mean, do there are people that I respect on a huge level that aren't in the comedy world, right, that have other avenues that they've, you know, really, you know, achieved a lot of greatness in and they look at and they talk to me with this like deity type you know amazement of like I don't know and I'm like

what I mean me like I'm talking like athletes and other people I'm just like surgeon yeah yeah you're a surgeon I've had surgeons come up and go I don't know how you get up on stage every night that was shit you put a heart back together yeah what about when I'm cutting you with a scissors I gotta make sure they're wrong fucking sheet

you know I mean I gotta make sure I'm using a knife not a spoon it's funny mercy my daughter had an assembly yesterday and at dinner

we were talking Friday and she goes you know dad I've done it with other people on stage because Tom I have to say it by myself I tried to explain to her

that next to death the second biggest fear is public speaking the survey years ago when they asked people what their biggest fear is death

and what's your second biggest fear public speaking some people cannot even think about it. Can you even think of a time when you were though like that, where you would put those two in the same boat, where you would go death

public speaking? Or was it always like, was there a point where you ever were like, I can't imagine being on a stage talking in front of people? Me? Yeah. Or was it always something like, oh, I could do that, I could do but I just don't have. Anthony Robbins. Yeah. With the earplug

and him doing his thing. His headset and all that. In 86. And he would walk through the aisle. like he just doesn't stand up there he'll talk for a while oh he wants to be a part of the people right he walks through the eyes and he'll go you you know you have to

he'll have it he'll roll his sheets up he'll roll his sleeves up rub your shoulders take his jacket off yeah I thought that was pretty amazing I didn't know how he could do that I didn't make a mental note whether I could do that or not

at the time I just knew that that was pretty fucking amazing I always appreciated people who could just I don't know. I can't tell you that I wasn't or was going to do it. Gotcha. I didn't have an opinion for it at all.

Gotcha. But I felt comfortable talking around. And then we did like book reports. Yeah. You got to go up in front of the class. Yeah. And I remember kids crying. I don't know what you're crying about.

Oh, yeah. Just go up there and read the fucking sheet and sit at your desk. Yeah. And then in the sixth grade, I was expecting you to connect or make a fucking jaw-dropping performance. Yeah. So I think I got over it. early like the stand you know and then people tell you you're funny you're funny you're funny yeah the stand up and you're like then the first time you get up the standup you go up there and

realize that what you've been doing all those years is the stand there like you thought it was stand up I had three kids laughing at fucking kickball recess I thought I could take that energy and the worst is when you invite your employees oh yeah the people you work come from one of your second or third performances and you're like I can't wait he's so funny at work and they're all just sitting there waiting a laugh when you're at the comedy works finally and there's no laughs no and then afterward they're like he was so good and you're like and they're always they always do i've seen it at like a belly room uh shows where there's a guy comes brings 40 employees and he also is so out of his element and so overly ambitious and they're so excited and supportive but you're

you know you get a little blue right off the bat because he thinks like that's what's funny so he's up there talking about like man and you know it works tough and it's tough working across from somebody like Karen and everyone's like yeah care and he called her out he's like because all I can think about is boy what does that pussy taste like and everyone's like who hey what like is that the joke like he just you know what I'm saying like and then he he's breaking the wall a little bit too much because he thinks like oh this is comedy because it's it's what he sees and he hasn't done it enough to really you know have a point of view he's just like this sounds funny and oh man it's the worst than the best times are the worst days in my life oh yeah I think what you were saying too about

Getting like, you know, even you telling me that you told that to Rogan is really cool because, you know, you want the respect and the, on some level of your peers, right? And to even get to a point to where I could be at the store and be a regular and be on a show like that and have an opportunity to be in a place where I'm between two fucking beasts like that. To true legends of the game, people that are just that people look up to like that on a large scale. you gotta you know I even had there was no doubt in my mind

to not you know and I could almost feel I had to kind of gauge you I was like is he trying to fucking test me right now or is he

I was like because I know what I'm gonna do my answer is but it's also I had to take a beat once I was walking out and you because you said to me after you

like I was fucking I was making sure he's like because if if you were gonna let me go and you didn't want to seize this moment you're like

I was gonna go tell tell the little guy to find another tall person to do the podcast with you know I'm funny because it pisses me on. But I, but, but, but, but you just shows me who you are. Yeah, dude.

It just, you just, you just cut through everything I have. I can't, I can't, I can't respect as a comment. And getting that respect is what you want. And, and I do want to say this too because it's like, you know, hearing that about Joe, you know, you know, there's certain people too that you get in this business where you, you know, that, that have, uh, that you put up on these pedestals, right? And having like the store where it's a very, there's a good sense of community. Like there's a, the, the, the, you know, the pressure of some of these rooms.

and wanting to crush. And I hear comics all the time saying, like, dude, I can't even do new material in the OR now because it's packed and it's always, you know, I'm following this, I'm following that. So I feel like I just got to crush. I can't do my shit. So there's different energies changing every night.

But I was in the OR one night, and this is to my point about appreciating that, that you even told that to Rogan, because, you know, I think we'd been on shows. I brought him up a few times in the main room, but, you know, everyone's doing their thing, not paying attention all the time to what's happening prior to.

to them being on stage. And I'm in the OR, and Jeff Scott and I, every time I'm up, we'll sometimes do a little, you know, because I got a big musical theater background. I used to bring my buddy, Avery Pearson on the road with me, and he'd come on stage with his keyboard, and after an hour 20 of stand-up,

we do about 20-30 of improvised musical crowdwork. So any crowdwork I've done in the show, we now do improvising songs off the crowd. And, you know, I've been singing my whole life. He sings, too. Joe, it fucking blows the roof off. And it's something different. And it's, you know, as a white dude,

it separates me a little. little bit to be like, oh, there's another kind of skill set that he's bringing to the table that's not just jokes and a sea of white dudes that are doing clubs around the country. And so, uh, so, uh, so, yeah, Rogan's back there with Eric Griffin. And I, you know, I don't know if he'd seen me really on stage yet. I know he heard, you know, whatever when I bring him up on on stage in the main room. And, and he's back there. And I'm messing around with Jeff a little bit. And it's a small crowd and it's fun or whatever. And then I get off and I see him and, uh, Eric talking in the back. And my first thought is, and I seem kind of like talking to Eric.

and I was like my first thought was kind of insecure about like I betty's didn't wasn't a fan of the musical stuff that we were doing right it was so it was a little different and then it gets up and kind of walks by me and I go to Eric I go man was Joe was he like not uh speaking highly of of that he's like and Eric's like what do you want me to say man you know what you want me to say and I was like he was on he's like yeah he's like he was you know just kind of you know taking a couple jabs at whatever that was and not in a you know malicious way but just the way that you kind of, you know, do it with your buddies. And again, we chummy enough at that point,

so I didn't really take it for too much to stop doing it. But there was a piece of me, too, that was like, and it was a real good learning moment because it was like, it got like, you know, it ate at me for a minute because I was like, God, man, here's this guy that like, you know, I ain't looking to be best friends with. But you get to a point when you're around the store or any club so much where you get to be on a peer level with someone that you want to, like,

have that evolve and grow and you want to hope that there's another instance where I'll be at a bar and we'll have a chat that'll go 30, 40 minutes and we'll learn more about each other. And you just, you know, get to pick somebody's brain about comedy or whatever. And in that moment, I was like, oh, man, is that like, I started getting real insecure about is, does he now think I'm that comic? Because I know I was like, he hasn't seen me on stage. Now he maybe thinks I'm just some guy that fucks around and does musical shit in the OR in front of 50 people. So anyway, to circle that all back around. The fact that you told that to Joe and he, you know, I was pumped about it.

That means something to me, man, so I appreciate it. I find out somebody says something about me and they will follow me. I'll tell Joe. And me and him laugh our asses off. Hell yeah. And we figure out a torture for this person. Oh, for real. Sandwich him certain nights.

There's a dude at the store that won't come down there on Tuesdays no more. Why not? Because I'm down there. And when I'm down there, he gets, like, if I have a 1030 and he has to go up behind me, he's down. at 815 because he's waiting for me to miss that by one minute and he actually complained about me there's been a couple dudes oh shit I complained about me and I laugh at them and I feel sorry for them yeah that you would let a fat felon old man get in your comedy career like you

would let me stand in your way where I would keep following me and figure out how to follow me and I know, it's like that night, if I would have followed Burr and I would have ate a bag of dick, I would have gone home, I would have analyzed it honestly why I followed, why I blew, you know, sucked a dick after Bill Burr. Was he that powerful? Nobody's that powerful. It just wasn't that I wasn't that prepared. So that's how you learn to follow people.

That's why I always really like the store. Yeah. Because it teaches you how to follow an array of people. But if Mitzie sure found out to the great. Oh, yeah. That Adam Ray had a hard time following Joey, and he's vocalized it a few times. And it got back to her, you're dead.

Oh, yeah? Oh, she would make you drive to La Jolla and follow me after I had line. Like, just for principal. Are you fucking kidding me? God, I love that, dude. And you're like, I don't want to drive down there to follow Joey. Like, it's an exaggeration.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying is that that's what she did. to help you, huh? I went up to out like the first ring and I'm like, do me a favor. I want my career this last year. I want to keep doing spots. Don't put me in the main room no more.

And she's like, why not? I go, that was the worst experience of my life. Big mistake. She put me in the main room. Every Saturday at 1.45. That's the spot date. Oh, yeah. It's a 300-hour spot.

Yeah. When you're broke, three-hundred hours, woo. It's a lot of sandwiches. Well, let me tell you something. when you get off the stage, you're like, I could have sucked three dicks or done that spot.

Because if I would have got 100 for each dick, I'm just going to close my eyes and just suck it. It would have been better than doing that spot because I just die. Like, quarter to a two spot, you're going to die. Yeah. Especially if you have to file a holstman, especially if there's four people left in there.

Oh, yeah, dude. So all these things, when you go home after those situations, You tell yourself, this isn't working. Yeah. I'm not having to start roller skating again or skateboarding. Yeah. But little do you know that those situations are making you very strong. Yep.

And they may not be, every night you get, every night when you go on state, listen, whether you're, again, whether you're a plumber, electrician, a carpenter, every time you go to work, you get something from. Like for us as comics We either get something Ego boosting A new joke There's always something There's always a result to a set Always

Even if you're not Purposefully trying to like Do a new bit to get something out of it Yeah you grow You grow Just from that rep And it's on the nights that you don't think You're gonna grow

When you grow Nights that you're like fuck I should cancel Oh yeah And then you go down there And you have to follow somebody and the joke you were gonna write you changed it before you went up and it worked you know there's so many little fucking things you could take out of a set it's not just win

or lose it's not like me entering a swim race where I take first second and third and I lose with comedy you might lose by not having a great set yeah but you learn something well here another great example of that the main room that was where I showcased the one time for Mitzie, right? And her only feedback, by the way, was, why do you wear a hat? Because I had a backwards hat on it. I was like, what about the material? She was like, I just saw the hat. And I was like, fuck. But it was such a like cutthroat thing to say. And I was on this bringer show, right? And back then, you know, you do three minutes for your showcase. This was about 2011. And, and she was still coming around, but, you know, less and less. But she was there in the main room watching with Tommy.

and the runner of the bringer show I was supposed to go It's supposed to be a host Then one of the bringers And then comic comic comic That was going to showcase And instead this guy Who was running the bringer show

Said I had good energy And he goes You're just gonna do a You're gonna cold open I'm gonna put you up top for your thing And I was like And I started getting my head And we're talking about massaging spots

I was like dude This is not setting up to win at all This is my showcase Like I know I'm supposed to be later on Three minutes up top Where the drinks are coming in And he's and he made this whole point though of he's like hey if you're ready you're ready then you can go out cold with three minutes

and part of me was like yeah i think there's some truth to that but also like fuck you fuck you like this is not where i'm supposed to be in the showcase it's three minutes i'm going out cold like this is but mittzies back there waiting and so i go out and drinks are coming and and you know when you're also going out first you feel responsibility to play a little bit of host and welcome everybody in but i got three minutes i got no time for chit chat and how you doing and you guys excited for the show, whatever. So I just get up and launch into material, which nobody was really ready for. And it did not go well. And I was in my head. I started making excuses right after of, oh, it was my position. It was this and that. And then Mitchie being like, why, why we, why? I didn't

like your hat. And I'm just like, dude, nothing about my fucking jokes or performance was critique that night. And it took me, man, a good probably close to a year to like just look deep inside myself and go, dude, if you were fucking ready and poised and just, like how we just talked about, which is fucking crazy, what, seven, eight, nine years full circle, get another main room, you know, experience moment to go, you know, are you going to make excuses? Or you're just going to like jump on, jump on the, on the wagon and take advantage of what's right in front of you. And it's like, you know, I thought for so long, I was like, dude, it was because I didn't

get past then because I had to go first. And it's like, no, man, if you had your shit together, you would have gone out and done your thing, and Mitch you would have been like, I hope you only wear a hat, you know? She wouldn't have worried about the hat. Yeah. She wouldn't have worried about the hat.

It's funny, Cal, I think she said things to you all sort of fuck with you. Looking back at it now. Oh, for sure, right? Yeah, to make you go home and go. Talking hat. What the fuck? Yeah, how should that matter? We're 12 months on that joke about the black guy falling down the stairs.

And now I got to fucking worry about that. Yeah. It's such a long... Life is such a great journey. You know, why fucking live in half-cocked and half-scared or shit? Wow, yeah, dude. And that was me until I was like 20-something. I was just half-scared.

Don't get me wrong. I'm kidnapping people, robbing apartments and robbing coke. Do you have a best kidnapping? Like, out of all the kidnaps. No, I only have one kidnap. Okay, great. You tapped that after that. Yeah, it's a pretty good one.

But you don't really know it's kidnapping until you do it, because kidnapping isn't really me calling Adam Ray's father and saying, I need $250,000. Kidnapping is me taking you from one room to another without your consent. So if I put a gun to you and go, let's go in the bedroom, let's go see that safe and how much you money got in there. That's kidnapped. Yeah.

That's against your fucking will. Wow. But if I'm talking about all the criminals, creepy shit I did. Like, I didn't have fear to do that, but my biggest fear. And I had a thousand of those fears growing up. And, like, little things that could have catapulted you. Yeah.

Not just stage, little things. Auditions that you might not go for. Yeah. I don't really want to go to audition. What are you scared? Not getting it. Not getting it. Or getting it and blowing the fuck up.

Oh, shit, yeah. What are you fucking scared of? Both ways. You only got two things that's going to happen. Blowing the fuck. up with them saying no and then you try back again. Do you think there's a time that human beings just on a whole like get comfy with facing any of those fears?

Like do you think somebody at 20 who maybe didn't have the experience you did? You think they're faking it if they're like, I'm ready to go. I want to. Or do you think some people truly are born and have this level of, I don't know, confidence and just a sense of, yeah, I'm going to make the best with whatever happens. You know what I'm saying? Listen, some of us are born with more talent than other, but we could all work to get that talent equal to one another.

Yeah, yeah. It's work, you know. Obviously, all three of us had a comedy bug. Now we have to work it and to mold it into like a sculpture, right? Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. You have to work it to find out it's you.

What was the question? That was the answer. That was the answer. That was the answer. I didn't know. Well, I was just curious if you think like people, you can, if there are, even at that, young age because you said at what 27 is when your fears right is that what you said kind of went away

well i was just like it took me so long to get on stage like nothing bothers me more when somebody comes up to me and says hey i'm moving to l.a in 14 months you're like what's going to happen in 14 months well i'm gonna i got a new job and i'm gonna pull away 800 a month you're dead you're dead. You're not going to come out. You're not going to put out 800 a month. Because if you know anything about life, shit happens. I just ripped my fucking hamstring.

Yeah, shit happens on a daily. So for you to tell you, you're going to put 800 a month away and move out in 14 months. Nothing bothers me more than that. Ever since I got into comedy, like I started comedy, my thing is go. Like, if you come to me and go, Joey, I'm thinking of starting comedy.

I'm the type of motherfuckers. that it'll drive you to your first open mic, just for you to get it. Wow. Because if I got a hear you tell me 10 times, how you're getting material ready. Oh, God, yeah. Getting ready to go up.

Don't worry, bro. Yeah. I'm getting it ready. Three months, man. You know how long I had that excuse for? Yeah. I use that excuse. I'm getting my material ready.

I got a killer seven minutes. It's like when you walk into that gym and you go, how much is it to join the gym? And they're like $80. And you're like, that's cheap. But you see people like sweating blood. and people crowing you're like, I'll be back. And then every time you walk down that block to get a slice,

the owner comes out. Every time he's like, hey, when are you coming? Next week. And then you run away. Like, next week. Next week, that was me. Yeah. Next week, that's the same thing to a comic.

When people hit me up, I get hit up once a week. Hey, man. Oh, no shit. I'm getting material ready. I'm thinking of going on stage. I'm going to feature for you in five years, man. Yeah, I'm a feature for you in five. I don't want you to think about it.

Your first time on stage, you're going on stage to die. You're just going on stage to get your feet wet and get that rush. It's so tough to hear. I want you to get that rush. Yeah. And then come back to me. Then we got something to talk about. But if you're going to come up to me and say, I'm getting on stage in a year,

what kind of material should I write? You've got to get a little taste of it first before you start playing the future. It doesn't matter what material you should write because you're not going to remember it. The first time you go up there and 80 eyeballs are looking at you, and there's nothing but lights. And you can see the people all the way in the back. Like, you could be fucking blind. And when you go up on stage, you can see that one head that's popping through the back,

that one guy that's trying to look. And you're like, this motherfucker, you could see me from all the way back there, you little fuck. Like, you could see all that stuff. So, I don't know, that ever since I got into comedy, the stall tactic, I saw right through it. and I never starved again. I go to a jitza school.

I like it. Where's the car? Let's sign up today. Let me go home and discuss with my wife and see what plans. No, this is no one foot in one foot out business. You just shot yourself. And the people that start,

I got a buddy that's six months in. He's like, when's it going to get better? When am I going to start getting on? How do I, when do I become a regular? When's the bombing going to stop? I'm like, that's up to you, man. And that's also, you know, up to just the fucking comedy gods. And like the, like, there's so much

that's out of your control. control what you can control you know what is that question when there's the bombing like a woman who gets beat up every night by her husband and she's like when does this end and we come home and just smack you again that's exactly what comedy is the first two years it is you're a domestic wife you're just getting domestically abused there's no cop the call the only copy it calls joe manente or fucking the guy who runs the club there's nobody to call yeah it's such a and i do it again i'm willing to do it again you yeah a thousand percent would you start all over again i know nothing i know nothing

different man me neither like i would do it again just in your blood dude i know just to get yelled that yeah like i remember going to new york because i love that part of it and you have to that's why we're here you have because you love that part because you knew that this was gonna you know it was building to this you know i still remember going a comic strip and wanting to get spots in new york and then like lucius you had to sell tickets door to door and you know me dog i'm a great sales I can sell anything. And I still remember selling and, like, doing, who. Like, I just sold the last pass.

I got an envelope up with $400. And I remember being, like, on 78th Street, walking to the comic strip and going, $4.00. Why would I give it to this fucking guy for a spot? I could do a spot anywhere. Yeah. I'm keeping this $400. Fuck him to this tickets.

And I went to Harlem, and then I come back. Where's your tickets? I dropped them here last week. Okay, you could do it. I still remember getting like two spots. No way. From selling tickets and they'd be like, hey, the mine people in there.

You were walking off. You just ate a bag. The whole shit. There's nothing you can do. Like, there's nothing you can do. I just remember how that tasted so you can wash it out next time. You never have it back in your mouth again.

Yeah, there you go. That's the thing. That's where it is. Where can they find your website at me? Man, Adamraycom.com is where all my tour dates are. You're traveling a lot, brother? Right now, yeah. I got Omaha Funny Bone coming up and Tempe and Improvin.

and DC Improv for New Year's. Great club. Yeah. First time headlined there. Yeah. DC's phenomenal. I love it. I went there with Bobby Lee.

It was my first, when I was feature. Perfect club. Yeah, it's, I mean, underground. I feel like he shouldn't be there. Packed, intimate. Acoustics are killer. Tempe's great. You're doing Tempe is great.

Tempe and Prove and Copper Blues Live. That's December 5th through the 8th. And then 20-20 minutes, you know, helium in Portland and hyenas and Baltimore. It's all Adamraycombe.com. About last night. the podcast with Brad. Hopefully we can get you on before Brad leaves.

Is he a special for you anything like that? Oh my, yeah, my special Read the Room. It's out. And I got a comedy music album coming out December 13th.

Got a cartoon with Seth Green coming out on Hulu called Crossing Swords and then hopefully more shit. Adam Ray. I love you.

I love you too, man. Thank you. So good to see you. For doing that that night because I was getting every time my... Thanks for fucking, you know, checking me.

Every time I get that, Down there, it's always the most obscure guy that comes true for me and lets me know I'm not fucking crazy. And that night, you let me know I was, because there's it, like I said, there's a dude who won't follow me. And when I see him, he'll always come up to me. Like, he tries to be cute. Are you going to use structure this evening? And I'll go, you know, man, I'm not sure. I'm thinking about it, but I really want you to tutor me.

So on top of everything that he won't want to follow me, I break his balls. Oh, my God. I don't break his balls in a disrespectful way. Yeah. I tell him, you should teach me how to do comedy. That's where I'm missing. If I had your writing skills, there would be no stopping me. But he refuses to follow me.

So, like, tonight he will not be down there. He's never down there Tuesday night. And there's times, like, I don't call him for Thursday. And I see he's down there for a Thursday. And I'll call Adam. Let me get down there right in front of him. And Adam, I can't. He's already said it to me that he's...

God damn, man. You know what, man? What are you going to do? What are it is? I got one date left. I'm in Miami for Thanksgiving, but everything sold out. All I got for you motherfuckers...

The new one, right? The second show. The new Miami and Burm. I've been there. It's amazing. Doral, yeah. I'm excited. Oh, good.

The only tickets that are available right now at Town Hall. Second show, December 6th, December 6th. December 6th. sold out at the Chevalier Theater in Boston, Chevalier Theater. So all I have for you guys is the second show, December 6, 1030, town hall, which is going to be fucking off the chain anyway. I love that fucking place. I'm excited to be doing it.

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Why do guys turn to weird solutions or do nothing when they can turn instead to medicine and science? pills, injections, where no man wants a fucking injection. Share any experience if you have with doctors in dealing with ED issues. Fuck all that. Check out Hymns, the gift that keeps on giving. Listen, well-known generic equivalents to name ban prescriptions to help you combat ED. Hems connects you with well, real licensed doctors and FDA-approved pharmaceutical products to treat prescription solutions backed by science and made more affordable by four hymns.com. So see the results where other treatments fall short.

Stop worrying about multiple in-doctor, in-office doctor visits. No painful injections or other treatments like that. This is easy. You answer a couple questions about your medical history. You chat with a doctor on a confidential review. If you're approved by the doctor, the products are shipped directly to your door. Listen, you can't make it any easier than this. That's why Uncle Joey's here.

Being your best means performing at your best. Erect out dysfunction who needs that? You're going to walk around like the ugly chick at the fucking prom, knowing that your cock don't work. You don't need that. With these Black Friday deals, they're not going to last long, but you can. Do me a favor. Feast your eyes on this.

Grab a pen. Start out by going to forehems.com slash church and get a free online visit. Free. Who takes care of you like that? Nobody, your Uncle Joey. Prescription products are subject to doctor approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. See website for full details and safety information.

This could cost you hundreds if you went in person to the doctor's office of pharmacy. Remember that. Forhims.com slash church. I also want to thank policy genius. Listen, when going for insurance, Go to policy genius.com. It's that easy and get the best quote. I want to thank PolicyGenius.

I want to thank Hems. And I want to thank my bookie. Dot AG. Most importantly, I want to thank you fucking savages for listening to the podcast. We'll be ready to rock. And don't forget Adamray.com. At Adamraycomedy.

At Adamraycomity. Don't forget joey-dia's.net. The hoodies are coming. Don't forget tickets for December 6th. at Town Hall, and that's it and that's that. Have a great fucking week. I'll see you here's Monday morning. Tip-top Magoo, ready to motherfucking go.

Kick this, me, O'Lea. Beautiful.