The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #739 - Joey Diaz: Struggle is Part of the Journey

Episode Date: November 27, 2019

Joey Diaz talks about how his struggle was an important part of his journey, why a conversation about the movie, "The Joker" upset him so much, and his 10 year wedding anniversary.  This podcast is brought to you by:   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your portable bidet.  

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Again, hellotushy.com slash church and get 10% off your first order. Mule. Kick this Mule Lee. You know what I'm saying? Why are we playing games? We're kicking off with a tremendous little Little A-I-O-U. What?

Oh, my goodness. It's a day before Thanksgiving. You're flying, you're drying, you're smoking, you're talking. This is it, baby. Uncle Joey's here with you. Old school, the flying Jew. Who needs a guest the day before Thanksgiving? Oh, yeah.

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Joey bananas? Uncle Joey here. Just giving you a little pep talk before the holidays. That's it. It's over. Thanksgiving's here. You were sitting there scratching your head. Halloween.

I'm going to be the wolf man, the gay wolf man, this year. That shit went and passed. It's Thanksgiving. Tomorrow you'll be sitting there with a bunch of people looking at them. Some of you go to those hobo Thanksgiving when you don't know nobody. And you get there, nobody's got teeth.

There's one guy that's half nude and he's offering your stuff and you need that in your life. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna have a little thing tomorrow. Lee's coming over, Kate Criggily's coming over, the essentials. Family, what it's all about on Thanksgiving.

Sunday night I was at the comedy store. I got into a conversation. That was really funny. It was funny at first. but then I went home and I thought about what had transpired and what had said. And I felt sad. I felt so sad I called Dean Delray at one in the morning. Really?

And we talked for about an hour. Because it was a conversation about the movie The Joker. Okay. And it was Eiff, a couple guys in the back. And Eddie F. was saying how he didn't enjoy the film because it had some type of, let the public know that it's okay to shoot people or something. And then Alonzo Bowden was sitting there. You know, the guy was like he fixed airplanes for a living.

He worked for Boeing. And he made an interesting point when it was on stage. He goes, I enjoyed the movie. But it also let me know how that's every comic you know, that that could happen to every comic you know because of the highs and the lows. And I went on stage and, you know, I got off and I talked to Whitney and I talked to this guy.

and say a lot of the bartending, you really forget. And as I was driving up Laurel Canyon, a fact came into my mind that not a lot of people know, but I'll tell you, from 1995 to 2000, I was pretty much homeless, guys. It was every day was a different story. It's where I ended up. When I left, bold June of 85, 95, I'm sorry,

I left with a car filled with stuff, the essentials, you know, and I packed them some stuff in storage, and I thought I was going to come back, but in my heart I knew I wasn't coming back. There was no way to lie to nobody. You were going to Seattle. I was going to Seattle, but I was going to go do this comedy thing. I was going to go see what it was really about. I had had a touch of the road already. I knew what the road was about.

I had featured at a club already, but not really. It was like a C club. I was going to the comedy underground, you know, a well-known club, and I didn't know anybody or whatever. And I went up there, and I lived with the stripper, you know, my dear friend. And, you know, my name wasn't on the lease. She threw me out every two months. I'd end up at Josh Wool's house or somebody's house. And then we lived in a trailer.

It was her trailer. And then I came down here and we broke up like a 97. And pretty much from 97 and a half to 2000, I was pretty much homeless. Like that would make somebody go, you know what, how much do I really love comedy? I don't think I would do it.

I think it's time to get a job and really assess my life. And I just had no other choices. I had no other options. I tried everything already. Did any part of you think about going back to selling drugs? Oh, yeah. The plan was the failure and to go back to New Jersey and just sling and sling until I died. Whatever that means.

Whatever that means. How far, like what did failure mean to you if being homeless wasn't there yet? Failure was spinning my wheels, which I felt deep down inside I wasn't. And actually my instincts were correct. spinning my wheels. At least I was getting spots at the store. I would go to the store in 905 and take a shower some days. And I would go about my day and then I'd go back in there about 7, 15,

quarter to 7, 6.30 before the bartenders got there. And I'd go in the main room and take another shower. And I'd be ready for the night, you know, and just thinking about all those things got me so depressed. I called Dina because as of two or three, years ago you know when dean started on the podcast dean would go to new york and would be basically homeless he would start every day at 12 and go to a coffee shop and write jokes and then hit all these open mics and hit some paid gigs to put some change in his pocket and then he would walk around and

go on that hotel app hotel tonight hotel tonight and he'd wait till 10 o'clock to get a room and i got to be honest with you and you guys know me there was a lot of nights that I sat there going should I just send them three hundred dollars like why is he doing this and right before I was about to pick up the phone to send them the money it dawned on me that this is what you have to do this is to sacrifice this is the this proves to you that what you're doing this makes you committed into what you're doing you know I had tons of highs on lows when I got here. A couple of them were suicidal as fuck

that most people would ice themselves or most people would quit. You know, one came up in particular with Dean where, you know, when you start auditioning, you get lucky at first. You know, knowledge is not power sometimes. Going in there not knowing what's going on is way better sometimes.

Sometimes you're at the jackpot, not even knowing. And then when you get smart, you don't book dick. Right. for years. Once you know what you're doing, you won't book nothing. And you go, wait a second. Maybe I should go back to what I was doing. So you don't really know. But for a year, I had a manager that was a real manager. His job was to get you out every day and get you on a TV show. And Lee, he went at it with all his heart on a daily basis. This guy would fight. He was a fighter.

Jewish guy, one of those desert Jews, short, tanned, you know, yarmulke wearing. But man, when he went to work in the morning he went to work there was nights he would call me at 1230 at night with an audition you know like I'd be like who's texting me like who's paging me and it would be him and I'd go like what what's going on he's like I just emailed you a script go home read it you got to be in there by 10 o'clock tomorrow like that type of stuff so for a year I took a beat and late just going to auditions walking out and saying I got this role and then I wouldn't even hear back from Right. You know, after they were like, be like, thank you for coming in.

It was so nice meeting you. We're going to come to the store and watch you one night. I would just go into the bag of dicks pretty much. And this went on from 98 to about 2001. Think of going into things. Big things. Like, I was going to, I remember going into men, men in black. Damn.

Like, I remember going in for the first one and going, like, Rona Cress. That's her cat. That's the casting agent. Rona Cress was huge then. Like if you got in to see Rona Cress, people go, like, who do you have as representation? There was three or four people that you could not get in with in those days. Like the lady who cast Spider-Man too,

she cast pretty women and a bunch of other things. Damn. She wouldn't see you. I don't even know how I got in there. The guy that casts, he casts the Walter Hill movies and all of Blade and all those movies. Ruben, I forget what his name is, black dude,

gentleman of a dude, that's when you used to have to pre-readly. That's when you used to have to go and read for an assistant. And if the assistant thought you were good enough, then you'd go home and get a call and go back the next day and read for the casting director. Jesus. And then if he liked you, he called you back again. This is when budgets, when they were allowing budgets to cast people.

Like, now, if you know anything about cast, they cast right from the sheet. Like, they just go down the sheet and call. They just put offers out. Like, I had an audition when I first busted up my leg. My leg. And I was like, I don't know if I should go on. And I called them.

And I go, listen, I'm not going to make it because of my leg. Can I put it on tape? The audition was at 4. At 4.45, they called me back. I'm going, no, they already made an offer to somebody. So they were going to make me drive all the way to Woolshire and read, even though they had made an offer to somebody. Right.

That's the type of world we live in today. Back then, they wouldn't lie to you. And that Walter Hill audition, it was a movie with Ving Rames and Ruben, and it was Ving Rames and the guy who went to jail for taxes for Blade. Oh, yeah, okay. It was him. And I'll never forget that, I swear to God,

I must have gone in seven times to read for that. For the Travolta movie, or eight times. Same lines or they'd give you different lines. Same lines. Sometimes they expand the script. Sometimes they give you all your scenes from the movie so they'd make sure you could read all the scenes from the movie and you can handle it.

It was just Buck Wild. I remember reading for the Sopranos and the paper shaking. But my point is you do. It's tough not to snap. It's tough not to snap as a comic. And that night I didn't sleep much that night.

And because that's how much it affected me. Like what I went through to get here, like the mud that I went through to get here, you know, I used to be really hot this time of the year. Right now is my time of the year. Like commercials, oh, I would burn them right now because this is so Super Bowl time. And it's also we have to shoot this pilot time. And I'll never forget, like every year during the holidays, I have to. I couldn't enjoy the holidays.

They ruined my holidays. Better yet, I let them ruin my holidays because of my weak mind. You know, when I walk into an audition now, when I do an audition, I walk out and I get in my car, and it's done. It's done, Lee. It's done.

And people look at me and go, how do you do that? It's 20 years. There's no use of taking this home with me. But there was a time when you're slipping on somebody's couch that you need this. This is not a joke. You need this.

You need this worse than ever. And there was one particular time that I came all the way home. Because when I read the script, I go, I can't see anybody doing this. It was a show for Fox or NBC. It was NBC, you know, the crazy roommate, the straight two white guys. I forget who the lead was. But I came all the way off the road, had to sleep on a cat. I think Ralphie was out of town.

He took the keys so nobody could go in there, so that killed me. So I'd sleep on a couch. I didn't have a car that my apartment got towed then. That's when my apartment got to. So I was going to sleep on this guy's couch. And from December, like, 6th, the torture started. Like, December 6th started. Come on, we want to read Joey Diaz.

Went down there, read, came back. Two days later, we want to read you again. Went down there. I read again. They read with four guys. So I had to read with the four guys they were looking at and see how we looked together in the room. Went back down there. I read with each guy individually and the weekend hit went back down there a week later and read new lines and revisions. And then went down there. They made me go to stage and we had to do the scene on stage. Whoa. Okay. With the paper in your hand, like a little play for a scene.

They taped that. That went on until December 19th. So two weeks of that? Oh my God. So for two weeks, my whole life was embroidered in that. Yeah, there were all the auditions and other stuff. And then, boom, the holiday's hit. I didn't hear nothing.

I mean, I was past late. On December 19th, I was furious. Staring at your phone. I was staring. I would sleep with the pager. I needed this job. This wasn't a job. I needed this, whatever the pilot paid, 15 grand,

and then whatever the episodes were after that, I could care less what they were. This was in my world, the end of my dilemma. Do you know what I'm saying? Right, yeah. I saw it as a means to an end. So when you see things as a means to an end, they hurt more.

They heard a lot, lot more. And I'd never forget that I had to wait it out from the, like, 19th, like the 4th to 5th of January. And that first morning I called them and I go, man, tell me what's going on. He goes, this has been the worst holiday season because they called me on the 24th. And I go what they tell you? And he goes, they went with a black guy. So two weeks of driving to Orange County.

I got none against black guys. I got nothing against black people. But it takes your heart. It just rings it. It just rings it, you know. And you're getting 10 of those and 10 of those at a shot. Like I still remember Steve Runners easy coming up to me. Like with tears in his eyes.

I remember Bobby Lee. All those guys. We all went through a patch where you really start to test your sanity. You tried to not test it, but you start to question it. Like, what am I doing? What am I doing? And then you go home, pick up the pieces. and there you are the next day.

And, you know, you hurt. When you hear you didn't get the role, you hurt. And then you know what the crazy thing is? That all that pain that you went through and all that anguish, the show gets made, it gets picked up. You curse it. You're cursing it the whole time.

Fuck you. I hope you fail. And sure enough, there's six episodes and the show gets canceled. Right. And you feel so much better now. You're like, you know, so I've learned over the years that the roles I didn't get, like, they didn't matter. Like, once, you know, they didn't really matter once it were done.

But it's easier looking at it 20 years later. Because, like, I've thought about this, like, about the Joker. I mean, obviously, we're in comedy and stand up and acting. But something that I've come to realize as I've gotten older, like, I used to look at, like, remember when Martin Lawrence ran down the street crazy? I was like, oh, wow, he's crazy. get the older I get I'm like I can see how just you can have be having like a bad couple weeks and one guy like cuts you off on the freeway and you just like I can see that happening a lot more clearly now like when people I remember applying to jobs and that's the same thing you don't

hear back from them they they they have you come interview and you you drive all the way down there and the interview takes three minutes or the person doesn't show up for an hour That's like I used to think crazy people were just crazy and some of them are, but I think there's just some things that you can just snap. I think it's easier than it seems. I could be, I could lie to you people to tell you that I know there were about three times I was going to snap. And I know about times that I did snap because of a situation. And I went off on somebody else about something else because of that initial situation. which a lot of us do.

We're so angry that we got towed. Our brother calls us and says, are you coming home for Thanksgiving? You're like, oh, how that hell? Yeah, exactly. You're like, no, you got a beef because you went out of line. You were out of line.

I could see myself. You know, I haven't watched The Joker yet. I am going to watch it. I just didn't want to go to the movies and stuff. And I didn't have time that week and the whole thing. And I am going to watch when it comes on a plane or something when I could watch a movie. and that was uh it was just it's really hard to swallow what mind feels i walked through to get here

like that night it made me realize and again i go back to a conversation that i've discussed on the podcast before you know my only conversation ever with slash was at the riviera and and he was like are you happy in your life now and i'm like i'm happy you know and he goes are you broke and I'm real broke. You know, this is going to be the best time of your life because when you get the big checks, you're going to look at this time and you're going to understand why you got those checks.

When you start, you know, selling out like a club or something like that, and you don't have to doubt yourself. A lot of people start doubting themselves. They really do. They try to, what's that word, not camouflage? They try to, you know, like bombard their own success. They stand in there.

Self-sabotage? They self-sabotage themselves because they don't think they should be, they deserve what they're doing. But that night really made me go, oh, okay, like that. Like, I really lost sleep over it. I couldn't wait to do the podcast to talk about this.

And like I said, I had to call Dean. And Dean was like, I don't think people know that Dean did three years. He did, I think. I think he said 900 gigs on a motorcycle. He goes, I drove to San Diego. And he goes, I drove as far as Portland, Oregon on a motorcycle to do a spot.

And he goes, I could tell you right now I wouldn't do it again. He goes, I don't know what I was thinking at the time. But that's the process. You know, that's the, I don't like a dog, there were plenty of times when I went home. and said, this is it. I'm not doing this. Well, I mean, you and Dean have some, and to a small extent, me,

because I started at 29, which is old, but not super old, but Dean started at 50. I can't imagine being 50 in an open mic with 21-year-olds. He was 46. Oh, 46. And you were 30-something?

I think I was 28. 1999. Okay. So I was, 1993 would make me 30. So 1991. I was 28. First time I got on stage, I was almost 28. It's, uh, I can't imagine starting 46.

I had had life experiences. I didn't have the heart to talk about them on stage. I avoided them like a play. I didn't start talking about prison until the podcast. Really? Or maybe Joe Rogan's podcast. Yeah. Fuck.

I wouldn't talk about it. I had a comedy show at all. It's got nothing to do with what's the price eggs. How wrong was I? It's got everything to do with the price of eggs, but it's really real what Alonzo said that night, how there's so many highs and there's so many lows. I mean, you could be opening up for Tom Segura on Saturday night and come home on a plane, on a private plane. Or, and then the following Friday, you're getting in a car and driving to San Jose.

for feature money and driving back Sunday night, which is six hours. And you're in the car going last week I was in a private plane. Sima Ramosas of Tom Segura. And this week, I'm driving to San Jose in my car, which barely

is not going to make it. Like, I've gotten in cars that I knew it wasn't going to make it. Did you ever do that? Like, if it makes it, it's going to be a miracle. If not the feature directors behind me or the MC, and he'll pick me up. I'll just abandon ship on the road.

Jesus. I had a shitty car, but I didn't take long trips like that. Oh, yeah. You know, this is part of the, you changed the oil, you changed that all filter, and pray for the best. You put that thing in the radiator so it won't blow. In the old school cars, you would put these little plugs, aluminum plugs.

Oh, yeah? And like that, the thing wouldn't leak. And it's just the, the price you, pay I sit I sit here now and I go you know I did things that were completely out of my realm that I would not even consider doing but I have a hard time going to seven 11 and 11 o'clock to get a compoge juice like seriously like if I'm at home I'm like 11 o'clock that's scary out there maybe I'll go to the one by the open mic over there like that one and I'll go in there and I'm like nah because I don't want to see those people and if you go to the

the one over here you got homeless Johnny you got the chick with no legs the one that we put the light beams in her eyeballs that night she was giving us the finger you know I'm scared to debt yeah I'm scared to that you know there was a time when I lived to do comedy because they would feed me like I was in great shape oh you were thin and bold yeah because I had I was really what was that diet you're on oh which one the keto no the other other one the low carb no the other one occasional starvation oh intermittent fasting yeah I was intermittent faster than 95 I was intermittent fasting from 95 till I'm a carol the stripper you know until she started feeding me you know turkey burgers and stuff like that my life was all

a mountain intermittent fasting I would look at the piece I would eat a sandwich wrap up the wrapper and look at a wrapper and go I don't know what I'm to see one of these again but We'll figure it out. You know, jumping over a counter for a pack of cigarettes at Denver International Airport and going into the bathroom and smoking because you don't have any money for cigarettes. I mean, I've got a thousand of these stories. You know, taking that bus, I lived on a Greyhound bus on the East Coast.

Lived, up and down. Buffalo, Syracuse, you know, Rochester, Toronto, back to South Carolina, Myrtle Beach, back to New York, you know, Philadelphia, D.C. It was just crazy. Standing on a bus stop for three hours, from 3.30 in the morning to 7th, until your bus comes with $3 in your pocket.

See, there's different levels to me. Like, that to me sounds like kind of exciting. I mean, obviously, for years at a time, I can see where I would not be cool. To me, now that sounds kind of exciting. But the whole, like, I guess it just doesn't, make sense in my head.

I'm like to not have money to eat is pretty fucking intense. But you're going to pick up money that night after you do what you really, really, really want to do. Okay, okay. So you knew you had something? Yeah, I got $3, but I'm on my way to a weekend gig. Got it. Then I'm going to pick up $300.

It's not, I'm still not going to be old judge a millionaire. Don't get me wrong. By the time I get paid, I'm going to take $130 in drawers for a bag of weed and a little bit of taste. I was going to say, because usually you get paid at the end, so you'd go up to the be like, listen, I don't have it. Oh, no, you just tell them the truth. You know what?

On the way up here, my standard line was I lost my ATM card. Okay. Everywhere I went, I lost, you're not going to believe it. I lost my ATM card. Everywhere I went. As soon as I got to the club, if they said, go to the hotel, I go to the hotel. That's where the war would start.

Do you have a credit card? No, I don't. I lost it on the plane. So how are we going to check out? I don't know. Let's call the club. I would have to call the club. The club won't have to come.

And we'll give him the credit card number over the phone. And then he would call me and I'd tell him the store. I don't have a credit card. I haven't eaten. This is in the morning. He'd go, okay, get dinner at the hotel and put it on my tab. It'd be the worst dinner in the world. But what did I care?

It would be, and then I'm lying to you. It wouldn't be those type of hotels. They would be like Motel Sixes. Right. with potato chips in the hallway, and then down the corner, it would be like a really bad hamburger spot, you know, like stuff like that. And I would have to, he would come and bring me cash and drop me off,

and I would have to walk back like a half a mile to my room and then wait. It was just a abuse cycle. It was just a cycle of abuse, but I was working. And that's all that mattered that I was working every weekend. I was picking up Tuesdays, picking up Thursdays. is that I mean is that part of it because like I was saying when I went with Simone I made and the guy gave me a bonus but because I drove but I was supposed to make 375 I think they gave me 475 something like that for like four days of work but it really is so much fun like especially when you're on like you're there for the weekend you do now you hang out with your buddies you're working a couple hours at night making people laugh like is that why you go through. so much shit because it's not like you're out of job like oh I'm at the cubicle it's like fucking one day it comes to you that society doesn't work for you society doesn't fit for you

bob lalingis sits at a desk all day bob lindgis is sweetheart i know he makes good money in the accountant yeah but ask bob if if he'd like to get out of that job you know and then have fun and goof around but everybody has their priorities everybody has a family You know, your father pushes you into a direction. You know, your father's like, I want you to be a lawyer like me. And then you realize you're miserable. One day when you first discover comedy, all right, you discover it, okay? You watch it.

But then you get involved with it. But then you take it that extra level. Like, I was involved with it for two years. And it was fun. Like, you know, my eyes were wide open. I didn't say much. And by the three-year mark, I started understanding what was going on around me. I was getting used to the rejection, you know, the lies, people.

I'm in a book, you call that number, and then they never call the number. You know, you start realizing that comedy's a lot like life. There's no big differences. There's people who are pieces of garbage, and there's people who are great people who will open their hearts and their hands to you and, you know, give you whatever the hell you need while you're there. It's really weird, you know. And I've said it before, that commitment and confidence in the universe,

as long as you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, you'll see it. I see it. I still see it. I still see it in little bits and pieces. As long as you know you're doing the job. You know, last night I was home, it was Monday night. So whatever it was.

Yeah, Monday night and my wife wasn't feeling well. She went to bed at 8 o'clock. I had an option. I could sit there and watch TV. I know you called about 11, but I was knee-deep in Vietnam stuff. I was getting plane tickets. I was sending itineraries. I wasn't sure what that meant.

I was, you know, it's just so weird that I, the work ethic, I'm very proud of my work ethic. It's a shame my mother died and it's a shame that it's been 40 years and I miss her and her anniversary was the eighth. But I was soft.

I was. very, very soft. And the events that happened made me step up. Like made me step up. It made me do things that I never thought I would do and I never thought I'd want to do. Back to your question. You know, the third and fourth year of comedy, it really is a party. It really is fun. Once you've established that A, this is what you're going to do. B, you got yourself a little telemarker. job in the daytime just covering your bills jean just covering your bills you know why because that's all you want to do that's you got five hours a day for something else those other 19 hours you're dedicated to comedy you eat sleep and dream comedy before you go to bed you're circling clubs you want to

play you're writing your goals you know when you want it like like i still remember the the the confusion i lived in when i was in boulder in 95 from January and 95 to June of 95. When I knew I was fighting an uphill battle, I knew I was fighting an uphill battle, but then number two, I realized that I was going to lose the battle. At one point, you do realize you lose the battle. And I lost the battle, I made a decision.

I tried to do the best I can. And listen, you know what? By trying to do the best I can, I made out on top on that deal. I lost the daughter, but I made out on top on that deal. Okay. Let's, once the fourth and third year of comedy comes, you're getting rejected, but it's falling off your shoulders

because you've been getting rejected now for two or three years. Now, now you know how it feels. The thing is you're going out, you're picking up $25, and you're getting two drink tickets, and you're going to give the bartender a 10 and drink for free the rest of the night. And you got your three buddies and your two little comedy girlfriends, and they're married, but they're out.

You know, this is, and in a year, you'll see him. We got separated. He didn't like me hanging out at night. But guess what? People will get divorced for comedy. Yeah. They will get divorced for comedy. Once you get that bug,

you'll lose people along the way constantly because they can't handle what you do or how you do it. Your lifestyle, your lifestyle becomes different. You ever see Major League? Yeah. Okay, I'll never forget this. when the opening, one of the opening scenes of major leagues, when they're calling around looking for players.

Right. And they call Tom Berringer. And he drops down, he picks up the phone. And he's like, hell on this, two naked chicks next to him. I saw that movie before I started doing triple runs. And in my head, I equated that to a triple run. Like, I'm like, that's what I'm going to be doing. That's not what I was doing.

There was not one night that I picked up two girls to go. back to a room. But I equated that because I had done my research, I had spoken to other comics, and the comics I had spoken to it. You know, Rogan made a point one day to me. It was like, you know, how many doctors and lawyers are there, and how many comedians are there? You have to think about how crazy you have to be to get into comedy. How crazy you have to be. I would love for them to publish, like charts, but they can't do it. It's like the census, like the You know, when they go looking for homeless people, when they take,

to see how many people living in the bushes and stuff, to get the exact population. You'll never get the exact population of comics, because comedy's a lot like Jit, you get people who do it for three months, you get people who do it for nine months, you get people do it for a year. If you're in it for a year,

you're going to stay in it for five or six years. Five or six years when you go, I met a girl. I never really like that. the road anyway I met a thousand comics who looked at me and said I loved comedy until I had to take a play and the drive see that seems like the most fun part that's the most fun part so that's you know what I'm saying that that's the traveling I'm working to that's what you're working towards so there's a lot of

people have come to me and said this is not I'm gonna do it but I'm not gonna go on the road I'm going to do it locally get a day job get married and have kids and have a family. That's the beauty about doing comedy. You could pick to choose the way of comedy you want to do. Yeah, it could be a hobby or could be a career. There's some people who this is not, you know, and again, I've said it again, this was not my original plan and my original plan was not ever even to come to LA because I thought I wouldn't be good enough. You know, me having felonies and all the other things, it just wouldn't be good enough. But anyway, I just wanted to reiterate to you people that finally after years I've convinced myself thanks to you

people and thanks to the feedback and the emails and whatnot I really have can but I really did go through a minefield to become a comic it really really really was a minefield you know and like I told Dean the honor I go Dean honestly there was nice when I talked to you like seven o'clock and you tell me that you headed to the East Side Comedy Club there and you headed to two spots at the cellar, and hopefully by that time, you'll find out if you got a hotel room.

And I would go out and go, well, why don't I just send them on? This is part of the plan. This is part of the fun. This is whole, you know, what happens if you do go to a comedy seller and you meet a girl? And she's like, come back to my place.

You know, you could stay there for a week. You know, that's the adventure that you're looking to get. But if you don't go out there and look for it, It's never going to come to you. It's not the blue bird of happiness does not knock on your door. It's so weird how I had a couple weird things happen in the last two days. Monday was my 10-year anniversary with my wife. Right.

And today was my last doctor's appointment with this doctor after 21 years. Which one? Dr. Waxler, my favorite. Oh, he's retiring or something? My family doctor of 21 years, the guy that reintroduced me to the needle. Because I would not take a needle. He convinced me to draw blood. He convinced me to do physicals.

He put the finger up my ass. I'm surprised you're not making him not retire just for you. Like, listen, you can retire, but every six months. He did his job. He was a very, very, very good doctor to me. And I want to applaud him. He told me to stay friends with him on Facebook. I gave him a hug.

I brought him a gift, you know. He reminded me at the time I gave him a cookie and forgot to mention that it was a T-H-C. No, you didn't. Yes, I didn't. He put it in his freezer and then he ate it like a day later. And he started getting all these emotions of love and all this stuff. And it was just really interesting to go down there and give him a hug. And, you know, he left a note for my next doctor. Don't bother him with needles. He's not going to do it. I've been trying to talk to him about a tennis shot for four years. He won't do it.

I'd love to get him on the podcast. only get him to give blood in the mornings. He needs a window in there? I gave blood this afternoon. You know, I did a podcast with Mercy. My daughter's in studio today. She's got earphones on them. She's got earphones on.

I did a podcast with her today about science. And I'm sitting there. Yeah, we do one every Tuesday. No, I just want to hear you say it. Yeah, we do one every Tuesday. It's called Science of Mercy. And, you know, this morning while I was taping her podcast, I was actually preparing to give blood.

And she stopped her podcast to ask me, Daddy, what are you doing? And I'm like, I got to go for a physical. And I got to give. I know I'm going to have to give them blood, so I might as well practice. What do you mean practice? I put my arm out,

and I make believe I'm getting raped. I try to think of just getting raped. Somebody climbing on top of me and raping me, and I can't push with my other hand. Because when I give blood, that's exactly what I feel like. I have to let myself feel restless. If not, I won't give the blood.

I have to put my arm out and go, take me, I'm yours. You know what I'm saying? If not, it's not going to work. I'd love to just live an hour in your brain and just like... You have no idea what I've gone for. Listen, my fear of needles ran rampant, rampant for years. It really, really did. Me too.

It was, no, I beat you out because you go. I mean, I was a guy that didn't refuse to go to a doctor. doctor from the age of 19 to Jesus Lee I didn't go to a doctor for at least 10 years didn't go to a dentist for 15 years because I was scared of needles you know if anybody said anything about a needle I just instantly froze up I met Waxler it took me a little time I started giving him one blood thing a year and I would faint then they figured out they put me in a room with windows they put ice on my and tip it over and they said bring music and bro I worked myself up from going in there I

would have to bring a sandwich and a can of soda what oh guys come on you know I'm scared of all that stuff I was the biggest fag in the world I would go there with a ham and Swiss sandwich I would take a can of Coca-Cola with me to replenish the sugar right I'd feel that any sugar in me and I'd bring them like a donut and I'd After they took blood, that was my, that was my present. And then I get it. I drive in the car and go to Lulu's and have breakfast. After the sandwich of the donut?

Oh yeah. You know, me 400 piles. They think you get there because you only eat one meal. So this is how great, you know, because when you go give blood, you can't eat before you go give blood. Right. Are you crazy? That killed me. I can't leave the house without eating.

I get dizzy when I'm driving. I would have to drive, have my wife drive me down there. I'd be crying the whole way to turn around. You have no idea what I suffered those first five years. I'll never forget what the sleep apnea. Like I had to call him and get his word. But I had nothing to do with a needle, sleep apnea. And he said, don't worry about you.

I get no needles. So I went down there. I did the stuff when I was like, when I was like six. Yeah, no, you were six. I was a grown adult. I was a 30. year old adult close to hitting 40 I was no needles what you figure when I first went into wax though I had to be I had to be 30 something years old my God first

time I went to why I didn't even know I had waxer available to me I went to the emergency room for my tooth because I had that you know I used to take my teeth out with jack Daniels and a wrench so I pulled all my molars out but one molar broke and it stayed in here and I had an abscess and it would swell up and I would push it and pus would come out. And if I was at the comedy store around people I didn't like, I would push the back of my tooth, and the pus would shoot out and hit him on their neck or on their jacket.

Only Josh Wolf and Joe Rogan knew, and they loved when I did it to people. Joe Rogan would always go, please go get that tooth fix. It's creeping me out. And I go, no, I love it. To my pus shooter. I used to just shoot pus and people with this tooth. It was like a little fang hanging out of there.

I finally, Steve Simone's brother's a dentist. Yeah. He took it out and put fake teeth there. Oh my god, that's so funny that you went to Steve Simone's brother. Steve Simone's brother was my dog. I'd go in there with a phony insurance claim. He'd type up whatever. They had a bunch of Filipinos.

Yeah, allegedly. They had a bunch of Filipinos that be trying to sell me on stuff and they'd be in the back. Don't do it. Oh, my God. Yeah, Steve Simone's brother was my dentist for years. I didn't know that. Down in Santa Monica.

They had left me and I was pissed at Steve for like a year because he left me and had $1,500 left on my tooth plan on the insurance. I was going to go down there, but when I went down there, he wasn't there. So I lost the $1,500 on my fucking teeth. I was pissed at Steve

for like six months. I was Steve. Where's your fucking brother? He goes, I didn't die. He moved back to Philadelphia. Nobody told me. What type of dentist is he?

He doesn't even send you a postcard to let you know he's retiring. I'm surprised he didn't go to Philly and get him to figure. Oh, I was furious at him. I just recently started talking to Steve about his brother. I don't know how the dentist is doing. because this tooth has worked. It stayed there solid.

It's been that piece, has been their solid. It's got a lifetime guarantee. Whatever, you people don't care about lifetime guarantees. As far as the anniversary was concerned, Monday, I knew that it was our anniversary. It was our 10-year anniversary. And I went somewhere in the morning. And when I got home, my phone started ringing, people I came.

And then I went on Facebook, and my wife had posted a picture. I started crying. Not that I have forgotten that it was our anniversary. I just started crying because I accomplished something. Like, even today with Dr. Waxler, if you knew anything about me, I was

a type of guy. I would quit a doctor. You know, I would quit things like nothing. I hung on out with Dr. Waxel for 21 years. And I've been approached by a thousand doctors. They come over here, come up. Waxel was just my dog. He's a Chicago dog. Every time he goes to Chicago, he brings

back meat and the buns and he freezes him and he says that he wakes up in the middle night some nights and puts him and cooks him and he steams the bread he would tell me how he'd steamed the bread perfectly with a paper towel and stuff he's just a great doctor and a great guy so i just wanted to thank him but what a lot of people don't know is you know like i was telling you yesterday when i was a kid there was a barbecue joint on hundred forty eight street and a guy we went in there bought barbecue beef. I don't know anything about, you know, brisket. I didn't know anything about ribs that enough. I knew about Chinese ribs, you know, my mom always got spare ribs, but I didn't know what barbecue really was. I must have been five or six, and I would go in there every day,

and whenever I went to my godmother's house on 148, this barbecue joint was just a small little place, and their specialty was barbecue beef sandwiches and two pieces of wonder bread. And it was just deliciously, you know, with an inch of meat between. And God knows what I was eating, catfinger nails. Who knew? You know, it was the 70s. It wasn't the health department. They just gave you the best of what they got, you know.

But the guy was an African-American guy, and I took a liking to him. In fact, he used to let us help him work, you know, which was nice. He would, like I told you yesterday, those street, when you're in New York and you see those things that go down underneath the business, he would let him, you know, he would let us carry stuff and trade for them for food and stuff but he used to always say an expression and i never knew what he was saying it was called uh till the wheels fall off like i'll be here to the wheels fall off i see tomorrow mr smet and i don't know if that was his name or not he'd go i'll i'll be here to the wheels fall off and one day i asked him you know like what does that mean he was like when the wheels fall off

is that it means you're all in baby you know you're all in you're all in then he goes you see the way you guys hang out together you guys were gonna hang out until the wheels fall off so it became like a state of mind to me to the wheels fall off means that I got you I got you bro you know I'm saying like this is it we're friends for life I got you 20 Puerto Ricans show up I got to fight them with you back to back and you have to do the same for me don't think that this is a one way fucking street and sometimes it is and then you stop you know living with those people like that but it's really weird that that's what's engraved inside our wedding bands to the wheels fall off to you know when good or in health whatever that you know to the wheels fall off is something that we

live by and it's so weird that it's already Thanksgiving guys listen it's already Thanksgiving and something else is happening the year is coming to an end it's officially over like if you think that something you might hit the lottery that's the only thing that could happen you might hit the lottery maybe if all the angels are lying but besides that you know you might pluck a job but right now everything dies people after the after December 7th the 8th everybody's talking about jingle bells and jingle balls and Christmases on where they're going I'm already thinking about 2020 I'm already thinking about goals I'm already thinking about what I want to do with my life what things I have to perk up I really got to get this book you know as much as I read I got to

get this book off the shelf. If not, it's, it's going to be, you know, I have to do so many things today Lee and I talked about the podcast, about maybe taking music off so he could put it on Spotify. You know, it's November, and I'm already looking at 2020, and I advise you to do the same. Listen, this year's over with. Whatever happened, happened, whether it was a good year, a bad year, you lived through it. You made it. You're here. Now you have to see how we're going to get better for 2020, you know. I'm going to get better in 2020, and Lee's going to be a little bit better than is now in 2020. My daughter is going to be

a little bit better than what she is and I'm counting on the church family to all strive to be better in 2020. Well, Joe, it's easy for you to say, no. It's easy. I don't want you to go from hero to zero or zero to hero. I just want you to take two baby steps.

It's one foot at a time to get to your goal. Whatever your goal might be. You want to be a DJ. You want to be a fighter. You want to want to switch your career you know we talk a lot about switching careers here it's not called switching careers it's going for what you love it'll make your life a lot easier going for what you love makes your life a lot easier you know we all 60% of people have a job we don't like what the fuck we're doing it's very it's very seldom that people really enjoy their job and they don't look at what they're making a year like I don't I don't even care what I'm making a

I really enjoy what the hell I'm doing them if I was doing it if I was looking for real money I would have just joined narcos if you're looking for that type of money just go to Mexico I go hang out with those Mormons and bring back Coke I don't know what to tell you that's real money what you're looking for is just to be content be proud of what you're doing you know I'll tell you man for years I lived in disgust of myself frustration disgust disgust it wasn't until I had mercy that I started seeing the light because now I had to act a certain way, you know? And this July, I'll be with my wife for 20 years. We celebrated a 10-year wedding anniversary Monday. And I got to tell you something, man, I never thought I could accomplish

that. After I failed as a husband the first time, marriage was the last thing on my mind. And for me to be married for 10 years, you know, and I'd like to tell you guys that I found the route woman. That's excuse we all give ourselves. Ah, we found the right woman. No, we decided to fight for what we believed for. The first woman I was married for was a very sweet girl, but she went through four or five, six years of hell with me, you know, and you know what? When I was with her, even towards the end, there was no future. This is how much of a change I made. There was no future. I had no future. I was just going to be a working stiff, and God knows what I was going to do. Every three months, I was going to change because I wasn't content.

what I was doing. Forget all that. Listen, man, I got into comedy and it's till the wheels fall off. And that's it. That's all I got to tell you guys. This is going to be a short Thanksgiving podcast. Mercy Diaz. Can I talk to you on? Do you want to sit with us for five minutes? Okay.

You don't want to say hello to the people? Okay. And tell them about your science with mercy? Okay. She's good, ladies and gentlemen. There you have it. There you have it. She didn't want to tell them, but at least I brought it. I brought it to the office.

She wanted to see what I did. She does her own podcast, so I told her that this is what we need to do, and this is how we do it. She's been doing, she's up to podcast number eight already. Good for her. And she's only taking the week of the 30th off like we are. She tried to take her birthday week off. She's like, I don't want to do it the week before my...

We do it every week. This is core consistency. There's no days off. You want something to happen. You got to be consistent. That's bad. Planned it simple. You want something to happen.

You got to be consistent every day. Look at this guy coming home home. He wants a war. He keeps sending our missiles. Trump's over there scratching his wig going, oh, no, we're at peace. We're friends. This guy's still shooting off fireworks. It's the Fourth of July over there.

King Young Moon. You know, whatever's goddamn name is. That's all right. I don't know what sort of war. I'm not good with politics. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I'm not good with that stuff. Imagine if you were president just tweeting out this stuff,

you'd tweet, they'd be begging for Trump to be. back oh please forget about it i'm a savage i give it to you how it is but anyway i want if you're traveling be safe this weekend remember thanksgiving this is a uh a hallmark card tomorrow thanksgiving is tomorrow please enjoy your families and all that stuff but one thing thanksgiving is every day because when you're pissing in the morning when you wake up if you're not saying god thank you for giving me another day to later to get ahead a little bit you'll fucking missing the boat I give that I'm one of the most grateful people there is I'm grateful for my shoelaces I'm grateful for the weed I smoke I'm grateful for

everything because I knew there was a time when I was homeless as hell and I had nothing of five years without a residency I wanted people I don't think I could do it and then before that like I had you know in 84 I was homeless and stuff like that but that was cause of drugs because that was a nuisance to society this was I was I was in love with something, and I still ended up homeless. You know what I'm saying? And I was three quarters together.

I was doing a couple criminal things, but the homelessness was due to me wanting to do comedy, what it meant to me. And yeah, there's highs and lows than anything you do in this life, man. But hey, who gives a shit? It's Thanksgiving, man.

Enjoy your families. Real quick. I'm in Miami this weekend. It's sold out. I don't know what to tell you. I can't help you. I put the tickets up for sale a while ago. I'm sorry, I will come back to Miami in 2020.

Whatever, we'll figure out a bigger venue or whatever. New York, there's singular tickets left, and they raised all the prices on them. So do not feel bad. I'm done. You know, I don't want you to pay over $35. So move on. We got the 21st Christmas with Uncle Joey at the Ice House,

and then we got the 27th, the Colusa Casino, and the 28th. and San Francisco Palace of Performing Arts. And you got the belly room, too. And we got the belly room sold out. Oh, told that all right? Damn, all right. That's the workout for the one-man show.

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And we'll be back Tuesday. Tip Top McGoo, the 2nd of December, ready to rock. Crack that motherfucker mulee.