The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #741 - Alonzo Bodden

Episode Date: December 4, 2019

Alonzo Bodden, comedian, winner of "Last Comic Standing" season 3, and the host of the "Who's Paying Attention?" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Athletic Greens - Get 20 free travel packs worth $79 when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

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Wednesday. It's a family of faith. Four. Santa Barbara's birthday in Cuba. Colonso Bowden. One child grows up to be. Somebody that just loves to learn. And another child grows up to be.

Somebody you just love to burn her. I love's the bold of them. You see it's in the blood. Both kids are good. A sticker than the mud. It's a family of family. I don't carry this song on a lot. I hear that motherfucker say blood sticking in the mud, dog.

That's real. That is real. Fucking real. This song drives me fucking nuts. Alonzo Bowden, what's the story? What's up, Joey? Shut up with your clip of shit. Been too long.

You know I'm going to represent in church. You know I'm going to represent in church. And I yelled at him last week. That was the best because it really pisses me off. Alonzo, when you came on the first time, you showed me, I forgot what it was to be a fan again. I really did, bro. I thought what it was to go to a baseball game with a glove.

Right. And I actually think you were going to catch a ball. Yeah. I used to go to a Nick game with a basketball when I was 12. Like, why would you take a basketball to that? That's how retired I was. But then I started gambling on sports. Yeah.

And you look at sports as something different now. So now that you don't gamble, you don't watch sports. And you lose that. You lose that, you know, like when you watch college basketball and you see their kids paint their face. You know, and you're sitting at home going, look at that fucking asshole. Fuck you. No, man.

That kid's having the best day of his fucking life. That kids, yeah. That kids have the best day of his life. Especially college ball. The thing I love about college ball, every game counts. And they're not pros yet. Like, they still make mistakes. But like you said, they're playing their ass off.

Their heart is in the game. And they really do believe it. You know, it's a business now, right? College ball is a billion dollar business with the torn. and all of that. But to the kids playing, there's still some level where they're playing for Seton Hall. They're playing for Carolina.

They're playing for whatever school. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, they leave it all on the floor. I love college ball. I love the effort, the effort, because that's what it is, all-out effort. And, yeah. I started watching sports again, little by little drips and drabs, you know. Little baseball.

I watched the finals, you know, with Kwame, fucking, I love that style of basketball. Yeah. What he plays. So I watch that. I watched the World Series. Football this year is just fucking atrocious,

except for three teams. Yeah, I could watch. The NFL needs to do something. That's the, I think, well, I don't know the NHL enough to speak on it, but for basketball, baseball, football, the NFL needs to like, I don't know what they need to do.

You need to clean up the act. They need to make the game something. You know, like football is better on TV than live. Like the whole thing is designed to be a TV spectacle, right? And if you're playing defense for a few years now, you couldn't touch a quarterback. Now the defensive backs are like, well, what's pass interference? Like, what do I do? I got to let him catch.

I can't touch him. But then when he catches a ball, I still can't hit him. he's defenseless. Imagine telling Ronnie Lott that he couldn't hit a defenseless receiver. Ronnie Lott used to let him catch the ball just so he might, right? Just so he could kill him. He was like, yeah, you'll catch one. And then for the rest of the day, you're just hearing my footsteps, right? Remember that? We used to talk about that footsteps. And yeah, we got, we know about the concussions now. Lester than molester. And this and that, yeah. Lester than molester. Lester used to get.

He used to spray stick them all over. Yeah, remember that? And he had that low stance off the line and shit. So I don't know what they're going to do with football. I know they're trying to make it an offensive game. I had given up on football for a while. Now I'm starting to watch it again. But it's, I don't have a team.

I don't have a team. Near do I. I mean, I like watching the, you know, because it's perfect football. I like watching New England because it's perfect football. I grew up watching Belichick and Lawrence Taylor. So New England is an extension of that. Yeah. It's like watching Danny and Asano teach Kung Fu.

He's teaching Bruce Lee Kung Fu. But I think about the NFL in the next 20 years, how hard it's going to be. Shit's going to change because of football. Because not everybody's putting their kid in football no more. Parents aren't letting their kids play football. Even in my hometown, which was built on football. Yeah. No, no, listen.

know a lot of mothers who are like, no, my kid ain't playing football, plain and simple. Like, my kid is not going to get hit. You know, they got a deuce. It's a line. It is a violent game, but they got to figure out how to keep the game exciting, but still protect the players, you know, protect their heads, right? The best thing I heard, but it's crazy as it sounds, the best idea I heard, it was a doctor, a neurologist. He said, go back to leather helmets. He said, Because if you're wearing a leather helmet, you won't use your head for a weapon. Which, you know, made sense, right? That's make a loss.

Because part of the reason they started using the helmet is because the helmet is so strong. So, I don't know. They got to do something with the game. Because right now, it's so heavily weighed on the offense that the defense, I think they're like, well, what do we do? What do we do? We can't hit the quarterback. We can't hit the receivers.

What do we do? But part of the game, and I'm not saying taking people out, like we're not talking 1978 Raiders. But the game is somewhere between that and where we're headed now. It won't go away. You know why football won't go away?

Because it's the number one, you talked about gambling. It's the number one gambling sport in the country. Right? More money's bet on the Super Bowl than any event we have. So it's not going to go away because that money ain't going nowhere. What's going to happen is, though, it's going to change the college. More African-American Latino kids. People, I watched the report. I think I'm real sports. They're the ones that are picking up the slack. A couple Jews in. You know, if you've got no money to go to college, this is your answer to go to college. Yeah, it's a way in.

So they don't give a fuck. They're like, this is your way in. We'll figure it out. I sit here at times and think that this just come from the fucking sky. All these concussions and all this PTSD. I want to know about those guys that were playing with leather helmets. What was their percentage? See, I started watching football in the 70s with Pittsburgh Steelers.

That was the team you watched. If you were a violent person, we were fucking crazy. Yeah, the fearsome force. Yeah, and all that, yeah. I love that shit. I love the Raiders. I loved hitting. And that's, you know, you're Cuban.

There's no baseball. You're angry. You might as well get to see somebody. You got a fucking hit from behind, you know. We all saw Lawrence Taylor break. What's his name's leg? Yeah. Shit.

I forget my point. Anyway. No, the hits used to be part of football. And it used to be the highlights. What happened for those guys? I know that the long time center from the Pittsburgh. Webster shot himself. Webster blew his head off.

Junior Sayal killed himself. That was a big deal. That was a big deal. But this is a thing, and this is the different time we're living in it. So those players from the 70s, you know why we don't know what happened to it? Because we didn't have social media. We didn't have 24-7 access. So like once you retired from football, if you weren't an announcer, you just went away.

Right? So we have no idea. I know a lot of those guys did die young. A lot of football players died in their 40s and 50s, and they said, because of the collisions, like they said, if you're a lineman, right, offensive defensive linemen, it's like being in a car crash because they just bang into each other's bodies and their internal organs would get messed up. And but, but again, nobody cared because nobody knew, right? So we're only finding this out now because we have, we have the information.

Now we know what happens to a player 10 years, 15 years after his career. But I'm sure if you went back and looked, I bet a lot of those players from the 70s, you know, were whacked out in the 80s. Even like boxers, like I watched, you know, a couple weeks ago, it was an interesting fight Mazda Valle against Diaz. And it got stopped because of a cut that people argued they thought to what last. And two days later, I was online, and I saw Roberto Duran versus Davey Moore. And I clicked on the fight. It's one of my all-time favorite fights. I haven't watched in about four years.

Roberto Duran is a 32-year-old on his way out, fighting a 26-year-old beast who's 16-0. And Roberto Duran unleashes a beating on this man. That it's just horrifying. It's horrifying to watch as a spectator, even if you like boxing. Yeah. There's a couple times where the announcers are going, stop this fucking fight. This poor guy is knocked out standing up. Roberto was not hitting him, knocking him up, and hitting him and waking him up.

And I said, look how different boxing was in the 70s. Look at the garden. If you were to stop that fight in the garden that night, they would have killed you. Yeah. They were to throw chairs because I remember at the garden they used to throw chairs. They used to love to throw those fucking chairs.

And you look at the 30, 40 year difference how they stopped it over a cut under the eye. Now I wasn't there. It looked like a serious cut. It was a cut that had been opened from previously from the fight before, blah, blah, blah. But still, it was like,

we didn't give a fuck in the 70s. No, but that's good for the athletes, right? Because they did. They were warriors. thing about boxing back then, 15 rounds, right? That's a long fight. Think about that, 15 round fight. That last three rounds, like, you know how beat up they were by then?

You know what I mean? It's, every sport's different now. Every sport's different now. But the physical, the violent sport, even hockey, right, they didn't wear helmets. Imagine getting hit with a hockey puck. You know what I'm saying? Like it's only recently hockey had helmets, right? And then they called them pussies for wearing helmets.

You would get checked. What? Nah, I never played. I never played that. Dog. I tried that street hockey shit. I went to Tom McCann. I bought my little NHL sneakers and shit.

Remember Tom McCann used to have the NHL sneakers? So you would have to have the NHL sneakers. I bought my little NHL sneakers. I went over there, though. They slammed me against a Cadillac. That was it. Oh, my God. That was it.

Then I saw some kids had to go through a glass and this ain't hockey. And these kids were serious like block against block. Look up a guy, Ryan Reeves. It's my boy. He plays for Vegas. He plays for the Golden Knights. Look up his highlights, greatest hits. He's that guy.

In hockey, they got that guy who's just there. Yeah, they enforce it, right? That's what they call them. Revo, this guy knocks the shit out of people. That's basically. his job, you know. But yeah, I never played. But man,

and because they're coming at you fast, like on ice. They got speed. And they fight on ice skates. Yeah. I can't even fucking walk. And they're throwing. And it's just part of the game.

That's the crazy part. It's just part of the game. Yeah, they're badass. That, that's a, that's a, you know, it's a tough way to make a living. You know,

even I, I, I, I'm being a kid. once a week there was a nice little misunderstanding in the NBA. You've shown videos on here

of them getting punched in the face. A nice little understanding. When the ABA, I think it's, like the ABA was just wild. The ABA was just wild. They had this guy Marvin, Bad News, Bond, on Detroit,

you know, I don't know how many times he took a pistol out. I had a ref. I know he took a pistol out at the garden. They called the foul on him one time. They threw him out of the game. He goes, I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

I got to go to locker. Willis Reed beat up everybody at the time. Like, what tribe is Willis Reeve for that body? That's like him, Charles Barkley's cousin. Like, Willis Reed could be Charles Barkley's cousin. He could be Darrell Dawkins. Remember when Willis Reed played like he couldn't walk? My God.

He couldn't walk, but he played game. I went to his basketball camp. I loved Willis. Yeah. I loved Willis Reed. I loved him. I went to his basketball camp. I talked to him like maybe two times.

I got you doing, kid. He drilled us. We were there for a week and shit. Darrell Dawkins' chocolate thunder. You know, Willis Reed was only six foot eight. Yeah. What? What do you mean only six foot eight?

Yeah, six nine maybe something. Well, he would, listen, he would have picked up Shaq and slammed dunked him. That's how crazy Willis Reed was. I think Moses would have killed Shaq. And then they're prime. It's a tough one. Nothing, please. No, come on.

Moses was going 20. Moses was going 20 for 20 in Nike. Yeah, Moses was getting 20 and 20. Absolutely. But Shaq, when Shaq was playing, I'm talking about. But there was a bunch of Bambies. I'm talking about when Shaq was in. No, but Shaq made them look like that.

No, they were Bambi. And I'll tell you the one, because I saw this. Okay, he played, they played Portland. Remember Kevin Duckworth? Oh, he was terrible. but he was huge. He was huge. Shack moved him with one arm.

Like Shaq cleared. This guy had to be, what, 6.10? He claimed 270, so he was probably three. You know? When Joe Pesci hit that guy in the head with the phone, that was him. That big white mud of a guy. They just pushed him to the side. He moved him with one arm.

Like he cleared out. Oh, he was strong of his shit. I ain't mad at you. As a conference fan, I'm surprised you're going for sure. Jack. No, no. Listen, no. Oh, watch. Shack was a physical specimen.

Like, there was nothing, like, it was like when Wilt hit the league. Like, when Will Tchamberlin hit the NBA, there had never been anyone, like, they were like, you can't be that big and that strong and that fast. You know what I mean? And there was nothing they could do. And I think Shaq would have been the same way. Now it would have been tougher. If Shaq had to play late 70s early. 80s.

It would have been a tougher gig. It would have been a tougher gig. Because every night you were going up against a body. You were going up against somebody, you know, and these, and like you said, Joey, these guys came from streetball with a, they were. They were telling. There wasn't that many. They were the six foot nine white guy.

There wasn't that many rules. There wasn't that many rules. There wasn't that many rules. But Colin would have came back with a flying elbow. You know, Colin was tough for a way. They were tough, man. They were tough. The game was...

White dude up in Boston, center. Hey, hey, stop. Let me tell you something. He played with freckles. Charles Oakley's, what, 50 now? Yeah. Still scary. You still wouldn't want to get on the court.

Dolan threw him out of the garden and everyone booed Dolan. They asked him to leave. Yeah. Yeah, because he was behind Dolan talking shit. But Oak, I mean, like, you talk about someone's name fitting them, oak. Yeah, he was a tree. and when he was in the paint, you knew it. You know, this is the big difference in NBA now, right?

Like, so now you have all these shooters and scorers, but you don't have, you can't play physical defense, you know. We've talked about this before in the show. When you went up against the Knicks, they wanted to hold you to 60 points, right? Oakley, Mason, and Ewing, like, ask Reggie Miller what it was like playing against the Knicks. You got hit every time, you know. You did not come in to paint without getting murdered.

It was just on the other night, Detroit against Chicago when they just went after Jordan. Oh, yeah. And they just, oh, yeah. That my mouth, I left a wage. He didn't eat Chinese food no more. Yeah, that, fuck it. It made him better.

Made him better. It made them better. They were teams that when you went in there, you paid. You paid. Yeah. There was a couple guys that got, you know, but before I forget, worst three fucking centers, okay?

Like, these are guys that were like, like, off color. Okay? And that's who you played against. When Moses Malone played, he played against artists. Artist Gilmore. He played against Bob Lanier. Yeah. He played against, there was centers, bro.

Yeah. Those were center. The center was a different position back then. It was a different position back then. And I thought, I think that, and I know a lot of people hate on me for this. I think Shaq had it easy. I think Shaq had it easy. I think Shaq had Bambi down in San Antonio.

He was Bambi, dog. Oh, you're talking about the Admiral? Yeah, he was a nice guy. He was a nice guy. No, but again, but you see, you could make the same argument with Jordan, right? Because the thing, and make no mistake, I'm not saying Jordan. I've seen Bernard King covered Jordan. But he is a thing.

He had competition. Jordan didn't have a direct competitor, right? So you had Magic and Bird. If either one of them didn't have to go against the other, they would have won six championships. They had to go against each other every, you know what I'm saying, every year. And then you had LeBron who never had the team around him. If LeBron had a Scotty Pippen and, you know what I mean?

If he had the team Chicago had, then LeBron would have won six. You know, and this isn't, the Jordan people say this is a knock. I'm not knocking Jordan, but what I'm saying is sometimes you get right place, right time. And he always had a great team around him. Talking college. He had a great team around. He was a freshman. He had a fucking team around.

Worthy. College, worthy. I forget the rest. I just remember Jimmy Black, him. Was it Jimmy Black? Yeah. But it was Worthy's team. That's what people forget.

It was Worthy's team. And I did a charity thing with Worthy. right and it was great so um he's got his wife this is his second wife she didn't know him when he played and i said oh you never said she said no i said you should have seen his first step she said everyone says that everyone mentions his yeah worthy's first step he was gone it was the quickest it was like where to go but worthy had to go up against walter davis yeah and his cocaine snort well they had to and they had to play against ewing they had to play against david Yeah, they had the...

David Thompson was the 3rd 54. David Thompson could... David Thompson could leap out of the gym, like before it was a thing... 48 inches. Before it was a thing, David Thompson was what... Was he North Carolina State in the 70s or something like that? I want to say he was at NC State and he said... But he could...

Walter Davis? Walter Davis? Davis was Carolina. Carolina. Davis went to Carolina. But David Thompson could leap. And even, you know, and you talk about the... 70s, Dr. J

with that ABA ball. Let me tell you, Joey, you cut that fro, because the fro was not aerodynamic. Stop it. Don't talk about the man. The fro was aerodynamic. If you cut the fro and made the man aerodynamic,

Doc would, I mean, and again, there's a great book. You love this book. Matter of fact, I just get this for you for Christmas, called Loose Balls. The story of the A.B. And it's all the old ABA players talking about when they were in the ABA, you know, Doug Moe and Rick Barry and Dr. Jay and all, George Gervin, right? The Iceman. The Iceman.

When, yeah, it was. It was crazy. That dude from Detroit, I mentioned. Great. Bob and Bad News Bonds. Great book. My sixth grade teacher, John Barone. Yeah.

The guy you met, played for the Miami Floridians. Two seasons, you know. But, yeah, Dr. Jay, man. When Doc took off. When he took off from the free throw line and did that windmill with that red, white, and blue ball in his hand. People would do not understand. That was it.

And that was, when he was with the Kentucky Colonels. You know, I didn't know him then. That was, nobody knew. And Billy Polts. I think Keenan was his teammate on the Kentucky Colonel. On the Kentucky Colonel. Larry Keenan was one of the other. Rick Barry was the only guy who went from the NBA to the ABA.

He went backwards But he won it with Golden State Yeah he won it with Golden State Then he went to the ABA And it had to do with Coaches and old friends or something Now we were

We were talking about like racism before And all that stuff Was there? Because I was just thinking I know that there was a Negro league For baseball Was there any sort of league like that For basketball?

No, no basketball The ABA That's what it was Yeah the ABA The ABA was the The young gun hip-hop league. No, you know when basketball changed when, well, it's it, Texas Western University, beat Kentucky? It's a famous college game.

So Kentucky's got this coach, Adolf Rupp, old school racist. I'll never have a black player on my team. And an all-black team lit them up. Oh, my God. Beat them for the championship. And that was when the color line dropped. Oh, you know, these Negroes are kind of good. I'll take a look at that boy.

Right. Making that 20 further. Yeah, that was that changed. That, that's when, but the NBA, the NBA didn't have, it wasn't as, because the league came along later. And you had, you had Bill Russell, right? Bill Russell, you know, 10 championships. So they, the NBA knew, like, we're going to let, we're going to get these black guys

playing. We want to win. Well, the NBA was having a hard time. It was, it was a slow. paste and the ABA was, you know, Julius serving. The ABA was street ball run. Coming home and having the red

white and blue ball and I still remember when he fucking when they collapsed and he signed with the sixes. I still remember that night like it was yesterday and he went from number 32 to number six because they paid him six million. Yeah. That was a lot

of money that raised at home right now. Pissed. Pissed. He could have got 890 million. dollars now. But all of them, that's true for all the ballplay. But it was when Julius Irving was running things, he changed my life. I went to two of his, you had to buy

a pair of Congress limousines for the feet and you had to have a ticket, a golden lottery ticket. And I had a store, a sneaker store, and he would take the tickets out for me. I'd give him an extra 20. You know, me, dog. A little Cuban dude,

Converse. He sold coach cons, which you weren't allowed to wear. You got to beaten. There was 799. And then the Chuck, whatever, Chuck Taylor's, were 999. But you didn't show up with the coach cons. That was a beating and shit. So then they went to the limousine of the

feet. Yeah. And then he had his first. So this is all paid for by Congress. Yeah. You would show up on a saddle at 8 in the morning. The first one was at Fordham University. Julius Irving pulled up with his Mercedes. We were all standing on the line,

like little faggots that we were. waiting to see Julius Irving. He got out with his son, and he came into the auditorium. He brought us in. He did a seminar on shooting. Then he made us all clap, and he ran from one side.

He jumped from the fucking fire line. That was the end of the seminar. Yeah. And then I went to see him at CCNY. He did two of them that year. Fucking tremendous, man. That was my childhood. I loved you.

I got Julie serving all over my house. I got to bring a picture in here. I got two great pictures of one order. Who's the basketball player in the thing over there? I don't know if we can see him or not. No, no, I got Julius at the house. Lee gave me my friend, Timmy Holloway, gave me the statue of Julius, and it's on my fucking whatever.

But not to a lighter note, because I had to actually come and do a podcast about what you said to me that night. We were doing what's his name show, and Eddie F was talking about the Joker. Right. The Joker kind of bothering him or whatever. I haven't seen the movie yet. So, and then you chimed in.

He goes, you know, when you watch the Joker as a comic, you could really see this happening with a comic. Yeah. Because of all the highs and lows that we go through, you know, like, I mean, right now, what are averaging? I'm like, we're losing one comic a year, one comic every year to suicide, which is, bad. Others we've lost to suicide.

Only the skies is something else. Right. Drugs or whatever. Whatever. But, well, the reason I said that is because, and you know the life, right? So we got the highs and lows, right? Like I joked about it and this is absolutely true. I was on a TV show Monday and that Friday I was at the VFW in Riverside, California. You know what I mean? But then the other thing is, and this was even more, what happened to the Joker, you watch people around you get it and you don't. They're moving up as you're either sitting or moving down or falling off or any of that. And you got to have,

you know, that's why I think beyond anything in this business, you got to love doing this. Because if you're in it, like if you just say, well, I got to make the money or I got to have the followers, the, you know, the million followers. on YouTube or Twitter or a gram or something like that, if fame is your only incentive, the odds are stacked against you tremendously. And emotionally, I mean, let's be honest, man, we're all caught up in this shit on different levels emotionally.

You know what I mean? Like I had a therapist say to me one time, she saw me do this benefit. And she said, if I could get you to be that guy on stage all the time, you'd be fine right because when I'm on stage I'm bulletproof like that night it was what was it two Sundays ago or whatever and and you know here's the thing with following Joey and and you got to work I got to but the beautiful thing about you on stage is you are completely raw you are completely raw there's no there's no I'm going to be nice about this or

I'm going to clean this up or I'm not going to say this right you say wherever you are in the moment, you know, whatever you're talking about, it's you, right, it's raw. Well,

we all do that on stage to different extents, right? So when somebody doesn't like you on stage, that's a very personal thing when you put yourself out there. Now, in the movie,

the Joker, he got really deep into who he was and it was really bad. You know what I mean? So, so they, you know what I mean? It'd be like,

like somebody bombing on a most personal note. But just why, watching it and watching the deterioration, I was like, yeah, this could be any comic. Like if a comic was a serial killer, right? Nobody would be like, oh, yeah, he was a quiet guy. They'd be like, oh, no, we saw this shit coming. Right?

I mean, that's not all of us to that extreme, but what I'm saying is if you watch the movie and you watch a deterioration and if you're a comic, you can see that happening because this There's so much of this that you got to be careful not to believe. Right? You got to be careful not to believe all of it. You know, you can't believe Hollywood. Come on, Joey, you've been in this, you know, longer than me, right? I've always told people, like, I never got a job from someone who loved me.

Oh, man, we love you. I'm a big fan, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, exactly. You don't get the work from that. Love, don't do nothing. You know, you get to work from somebody who wants to work with you. They make you an offer. They don't tell you.

They love you. They make you an offer. They call your agent. They put you on a veils. When you said the highs and the lows that night, I was driving home. And I thought about the lows of this career and times that I didn't, you know, I didn't see. But for me, it was always a day. Yeah. For me, it was always that day. Like, I tell comics all the time.

If you really do what you're supposed to be doing, the universe will give you a sign every 90 days to stay in this. Yeah, the universe will tell you. I can remember those. I remember those. If you really, really, really, get in there, get the shovel, put your head back and go, this is what I'm going for. Every 90 days, the universe should be throwing you something to give you an incentive to stay. in this game. Because there's so many lows the first five years. You got to get on stage. See, that's what destroys you because you have that bad set, right? You bomb. Now, if you're new and you're hustling and you're getting on stage three, four times a week anywhere, anywhere, you know, bowling alley bar, back of a coffee shop or something, then you can bounce back. If you're only

working once a week, once every two weeks when you bomb, that's in your head for that long. And that's why people give up. That's why people give up, right? Because if you're, if you just have that in your head and you don't get another chance, you know, like in a Joker, right? He screws up as a clown and he gets fired. Well, now you never get to redeem yourself. from that. So now you've got to live with that. You fail. But what like we failed, I failed at this

10,000 times. Yeah, but you succeeded 10,000 times too. How do you figure? Because you've had good sets. What would happen in the Joker's he didn't have any good, he had nothing good. Yeah, he didn't. You, you had good sets following bad sets. You had those, those, those moments of success. He lived in my car, right, I fucking, you know,

borrowed money from people. I, I did triple, you know, you look at all the great, yeah, I was in a movie with fucking Adam Sandler and Clint Eastwood,

whatever's fucking name is, Bert Reynolds, and yeah, I got to do something for Netflix, and you look at all these bright spots. But that night, when you said that to me, it made me tap in

to the dark side. You know, Like sometimes at night I take a ride and I, on the way back from the store, I go on Lancashire. And I hook a left on Magnolia. And I look at that bus station. That bus station is closed. But there's still two people standing there that are waiting for a bus that's coming in 6th in the morning. Now, if these people had 20 bucks, they go to the diner that's down the block.

They don't have 20 bucks. They have to sit there until 6th of the morning and think about how bad their life is. And I still remember being, you know, taking a bus from Miami. to Buffalo and, you know, stopping in between stops and taking two hits off a joint and bonaca and switching batteries on my Walkman or whatever the fuck it was, my iPod. I don't know what the fuck it was. You know, you think of all those sleeping on couches. But you know what, Joey, even when we were doing that.

What gave us the love? Because we loved doing it. Because for me, I've always loved doing it. I've always told people that the comedy is not to work, right? Like you talk about triple runs and stuff like that, right? Where I was a middle act. Okay, so on a good night, you make 50 bucks, right? And you literally drive from like Tuesday is comedy night at the holiday in

in Mesquite Nevada. And then Wednesday is comedy night at the Radisson in, you know, Ames, Iowa or whatever the hell, right? And then Thursday night is comedy night at the Dubuque holiday inn, right? And you wished, remember, think about this, remember when you wished you could work on a weekend? Remember that? You used to wish you could work on the weekend.

Now, when do you have a weekend off? Unless you schedule it, you won't have a, you could work every weekend at every weekend. But there was a time when our work week was Monday to Wednesday and you might get the Thursday Sunday through Thursday Sunday right Sunday through Thursday that was good open mics on Sunday but Friday Saturday

you know I guess that's if you were lucky we love but but you love to me I'll speak for me I love doing it so I didn't think about being at the rest stop sleeping or literally or just like you said being broke or borrowing money or hustling.

It was a hustle. It was a hustle. Your daytime, my daytime was a hustle for my comedy. Now, I was fortunate that I had a few good jobs like I was a driver

for the kids show Power Rangers, right? So, yeah. So that was a good job because on a driving day you make a couple of hundred bucks. But I also painted addresses on curves for five bucks a house and they didn't have to pay you.

Like you painted it and then you went to the door and see if you could get five bucks for doing it. You know, I did that. Here in that way? Yeah, yeah, I did that. I hung televisions in 7-Elevens for the fucking lotto game, right? 40 bucks are set.

No shit. You climb up inside the roof of a 7-Eleven and you mount a TV. Yeah, right? But that was that was the hustle, man. That's what you did. And so, and I did it because I love con, because I never had any doubt that comedy was what I was going to do. It's crazy. I never had any doubt.

Like I sold cigars on the phone. Right. When cigars are hot. How do you sell cigars on the phone? How you doing? My name is Joey Diaz. What's your name, Mohammed? Okay, let me ask you something.

Mohammed. Let me people go in there looking for a cigar every day. I don't want to talk right now. You have to call back tomorrow and ask with Muhammad too. Okay. You got to call tomorrow. Is Muhammad do that? No, Muhammad 3.

You're looking for Muhammad 3. You have to call it back tomorrow. And then you finally get Mohammed and you sell them a fucking humidore. That's worth. You tell them I'll throw $200 worth of cigars, not throwing their humidore. And that was it when cigars were hot in 1998. That's how you made a living in this town. When Joey told me what you guys that were talking about, to me,

it made me realize how close people could be to that. But what I think the difference is, at least this is my opinion, is you guys had something positive. And the Joker, and I think people, there's a lot of people like that, or just, it's negative upon negative that piles on. I see people in this town

that can't catch a fucking break. That's what I was going to say. And I feel fucking terrible for them. I know 20 people in this town right now that cannot get arrested, that I check in on, I check in on from time to time. I talked to a chick that was fucking homeless

three weeks ago. Doing comedy. Homeless. Homeless. Ask me if she could take a shower here. And I told me to have a shower here. I only had a toilet. I'm sorry, I can't help you.

You know, and she had to wait till 9 o'clock at night to sleep at her friend's house. But she told me, she goes, I'll go to the fucking park. I got to catch a spot up in Canoga somewhere. So right there, I knew the chick was on the up and up. Well, when your heart and soul... Right. It doesn't matter. When your heart and soul is in something and you don't get it, see, that's the thing.

when every you put everything in and like you said it's it's true for whatever reason some people can't catch a break can't get it and and they put in just as much work they just put they put their heart and soul and and some of them unfortunately there are some people who don't have the talent right you don't have the talent and and i'm not just talking comedy i'm talking whatever you want to do whether it be music or acting or whatever thing but you put everything into it that can easily destroy you. That's how you, you know, like you said, the sad thing is the suicide, the alcoholism, the drugs, the this or that, the slow suicide. That's the worst. That's the worst. The slow suicide. Drink yourself to death over X number of years or whatever the hell, you know?

And the road gives you all the opportunities to do that. See, the road gives you, the road doesn't even have responsibility anymore. None. What are they three? What do we got, 20 radio stations? left. Yeah. In the country, so it used to be... Used to have to get up and do radio. Tuesday this fucking Friday.

I still remember flying into a town and doing radio Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Right. They didn't give a fuck who you were. They had a lineup for you. And then on Thursday, you got to go do the driving at five.

And you're like, what the fuck? They take it to a bar to do a live remote. How embarrassing is that? Yeah, you're at the local opening of the grocery school? Yeah.

Have you been on a TV show? No, I have it. Oh, great. and they walk away from you and shit. You know, it's a fucking horror show. But you said it, you said the ups and the downs. And I went home that night, and I thought about, you know, 93.

93 to 96 was like, it was like Vietnam. It really, really was. Because it just wasn't a comedy. See, sometimes you, You know, nobody drives on an open mic and a test of Rosa. Right. You know what I'm saying?

Nobody shows up with an open mic with a butler. It just let me out. I'll be back in 10 minutes. You know what I'm saying? So, but I had... No, they show up to the open mic. They are the butler.

Yeah. I had a divorce going on. I had a messy child thing going on. You know, the drugs didn't help. And then I was trying to do a comedy. I was pretty much at war myself. I was like a Palestinian. I was at war with everybody, you know what I'm saying?

Like, I was just at war. Like, I was just, so I think of those times, like, you know, not being able to pay $400 rent. Like, who can't pay $4,000 for a month rent? Yeah. Me. Couldn't pay it. I used to always make it the last month.

Like the last week, the last three days of the month. Right. I made rent. I'd have to steal a little more from Kmart, return it a long month. You know, there was always something, you know. And, you know, yeah, you see. story. Like I thought totally. My fourth year in comedy, I made like $8,000. I knew one thing from the beginning of Lonzo, and that's what a lot of people don't know, and they refuse to swallow the

pill. There ain't no money for 10 years. No. And they'll tell you, they'll tell you to your face. I know there's no money for 10 years, and then they'll tell you about money a week later. You know who told me? No money. You know who there's no money? Gave me that. Listen, Thea Fadal, remember Thea? Yeah, there's no money. When I started, Thea said, remember, you go to college for four years. She said, so any money you make in your first four years, it's a bonus. Because anyone else would be paying to go to school for that education.

Then you get your first job. So it was like, oh, okay. You know, it was, yeah, that's real. That's how it is. Yeah, you know, I got lucky. And it was definitely what you said about getting the breaks that let you know you're on the right track, right? Because I got new faces in Montreal back when you used to get money out of new faces. And that was my first big paycheck.

And that was when I could give up the day job. I admired guys and I knew guys who were bombing all the time. And they kept showing up. Me too. And I admired that because I would get laughs. And when you got laughs, it made it easier to keep showing up. And I knew people literally who were bombing all the time, but they kept showing. And then they figured it out, you know, and then like you said, years later, 10 years in,

now they're getting something. I think 92 I bombed. Some of a whole loop up. You know that? I think for a whole year in 92, I blew up. Yeah. Like, no, I didn't blow up. I bombed.

Every set? Pretty much. In 92, I was a host of a, I was. weekly show and I had to have five new minutes of material every week. It was a homework assignment. And I'd try my artist. I really, really went at it. It was the same people. It was $15 for a steak and a baked potato and shrimp. And it was the same MOOCs. And at that point, I had made it a goal to, my job was just to make them look up. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It wasn't even to make them laugh. If I could make them look up from doing this, you know, cutting the steak and put it in their

month I won. That's how I looked at in those days because they weren't even laughing at the feature. See, I was lucky and it was absolute luck, right place, right time, whatever. I got an education from the best because I did the open mic at the

Laugh Factory. It's my first year in. So you started out here. I started, I tell it when I started in L.A. because I didn't know I wasn't supposed to. Right. And Jamie hired me to be a doorman. Right? And he said, you know, if someone doesn't show up, you can do a spot, right?

So I'm at the Laugh Factory every night in like 93, 94, and I'm watching Damon. I'm watching George Wallace. I'm watching George Lopez. I'm watching Dom Herrera because this was the, you know, this was back when they were at there, there every night. So I'm getting the master class in how to do this shit, right? George Wallace is showing up with a pass. every night working on new stuff, you know, you know, Lopet, the wayans would roll in deep. They'd be two carfuls of weigh-ins, you know, and they'd all just come in working on stuff.

So for me, right, I'm a new comic, I'm a year or two in. I'm watching these guys every night, and I'm learning just like, oh, you got to keep writing, you got to do this, you got to do that, you know what I mean? And it was great. And then when Frays hired me, Frazier Smith hired me to do the warm up for his radio show. So every Friday, I had to do a new five minutes.

So I had to write all the time. I had to pay attention to shit. Like I, because you had to, what are you going to talk about? I don't know. What happened this week? What is there a new,

new car in the showroom? Is there some chick? Does it's a TV show? Like what I mean? But it was, it was such a great, Like it was just learning, man. It was just learning.

And like I say, sitting and, you know, George Lopez, I still remember this. Like, this is 25 years ago. Lopez told me this. He said, listen, man, never give it up for who up went up before you. He said, like, if I go up before you, they know who I am. So you make your, let them know who you are. If you got five minutes, there's no sense spending one minute telling them they just saw George Lopez.

You know what a lesson that was? You know what I mean? That was like, oh, okay. Because in that moment, you're on the same stage as George Lopez, as, you know. They used to call him Dr. Wallace, right? Because that's what he was. He was a doctor. You know, we, you know, so, yeah, I was lucky in those days.

But not everyone's that lucky, right? At the same time. Why was the doorman at Colorado, which end? Yeah. Like a D room. and what it gave me was watching acts. They weren't the best acts, and I knew that they weren't what the comedy works was getting.

Right. But I was asking a lot of questions. These were older school road comics. And, you know, it took me 18 months to get on stage. I got out of prison February of fucking 89. I didn't get on states until July of 91. That's how much of a pussy I was. You know, I mean, I kept saying I'm going to get up.

Then I saw Dice in my head almost blew up. Yeah. I'm like, this motherfucker's doing my material. This is the shit I've been writing. I've been telling motherfuckers. I'm going to get on stage, and I've been writing my shit. And this is what I've been fucking writing. And I saw Dice.

And once I saw Dice, he pissed me off. I'm going to hunt this motherfucker down and fuck him up. He's doing my material and shit. I didn't have no material, but that's what I thought in my head. When I would walk down the street, what he was saying. So now I have to have. to get pushed into it, you know, and thank God Wendy put me up. It's fucking crazy.

But when we, when I got home that night, I didn't write them down. I just thought about all the lows, all the nights that I came home, there used to be a comedy newspaper called Just for Laughs. Yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah. It was at the stand when you walked into any comedy club, and it was a monthly publication put out of San Francisco.

But if you went to the back section, it had over. all the comedy clubs in alphabetical state. Right. This started with Alaska, Alabama. And I remember, you know, having 20 minutes Alonzo. It being 1994, I'm doing comedy three years. And it's all I thought about. Like, it was that in cocaine.

Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'll get up in the morning while I was pissing, where am I going to do a spot tonight? And I don't know. While I was showering, it was where am I going to? get the money to do coke tonight. And sometimes it would mix. It would be a magical mix because the Mexican was going to give me 40 to do 20 minutes.

Then I'd get a free dinner at El Toritos. You get El Torito in those days because I developed in Colorado. But I think about those times. I thought about it that night. I'll tell you what, I came close to crime by myself that I put myself through all those nights. Like, you know, on a Greyhound bus. I was a regular at the store and I was still Greyhound. Because we had to

For 600 a week 500 a week, no hotel Right, greyhound busing it We'll worry about it when we get there Where are you gonna stay? We'll worry about when we get there And sure enough you get there And you're holding out, you do your little feature spot And shit and they're like, where are you going to stay

And I don't know And there's usually one motherfucker It was all about stage time You know, that's what it was all about Your life was about stage time I didn't know nothing else I didn't know When I tell people I didn't watch TV

from 1995 to 2002, they die. Like, I knew nothing. People were talking about Seinfeld and friends. I knew nothing. Yeah. I didn't watch TV until I moved out here and I got an audition for NYPD Blue. And I remember it used to come on Tuesdays, right?

Day nights, yeah. And how can I miss the fucking Black Show at the comedy store if I'm watching NYPD Blue because Guy Torrey would put me up there early? Yeah. Early. So I remember sitting there watching NYPD Blue, Jimmy Smith is dying.

That's the episode they were going to put me on when he was dying of cancer and shit. And I'm like, I'm missing fucking stage time for this shit. I had a spot at the store, but in those days it was following Paul Mooney. Oh, man. At 1245 fucking night.

So that's not a spot. That's a torture chamber. But we were talking about this that night. I remember doing a spot at 1.15 in the morning. Remember the L.A. Cabaret in Encino, little... When I got here, it lasted. six months after.

Okay. I did a spot. It's like 1.15 for two people. I mean, there's two people left. Yeah. Do your spot. And you did it, right? Because what else were you going to do?

You had to do a spot. So that was a spot you got. Yeah, it was. But again, I think the passion that keeps you going can also be the passion that destroys you, you know. if it doesn't work. And the other thing was the other comics, right? You could, you, you, you,

because we were all doing it, right? So we were all, like, I came up with like, Johnny Sanchez and Willie Barsena and Shang and all the, and we were all doing this shit, you know, who Shang was the king. Shang had one-nighters, he had like a notebook full of one-nighters everywhere across the country. He'd be like, Shang, where, I need a, you know,

I'm in Houston because you couldn't work in Houston. There was nothing for you in Houston, but he had some shit in Midland, Odessa. Because Houston was headliner territory, you know what I mean? But the fact that we went through that, and I hung out with a lot of the Latino comics, Jeff Garcia, and this and that. I remember when Fluffy bounced on stage.

When Fluffy used to book the bicycle room. Yeah, the bicycle casino off of the seven. Friday. That's right. That fucking die. And you were the book that. And you were like, who is this fat kidney shorts? But because he even then he had something that people just loved him, right? They loved him. And you would just see it, you know. And, and, and, but anyway, you know, we'd hang out, right, late at night, whatever, after you do your spots, whatever, you talk shit and you trade notes. And I remember there used to be, what was it called, Moose McGillicuddies in Marina Del Rey. And they had a comedy contest and you win. It was either 50 or 100 bucks. It was something like

that. And we would take turns doing it because we, because like if Willie Bersena went, Willie was going to win. And if I went, I was going to. So what we would do is we're not going up against you. All right, you win it this week and then I'll go next week. You know what I mean? But we had that and that was part of what kept us from giving up. Because there was always hope because

someone got a job. Right? Someone got a gig and I know I'm funnier than that motherfucker. It's hard to explain but that was the life and that was how we came up in it. I was out.

seven nights a week absolutely I don't know what absolutely what are you gonna sit at home I was out seven nights a week with money no money didn't matter

I found spots another thing I had this this was another thing I was lucky I think that I had I had pros I had pros tell me I was good and I think that helped a lot

oh it means the world yeah I mean I'm two years in when then if a feature tells me I do a good job. It's amazing. Yeah. Do you guys ever, like, because to me, it always blows my mind when I see someone at your level doing a set and then they're like working on new stuff at like the comedy store, love the laugh at, like to think about working on something at such a huge club.

Like, I can't even think about it. Like, do you still have like the open mic mindset or do you, like, what do you guys think about it? Well, I, uh, my favorite joke, I don't know about it. you joy my favorite joke is always my newest it's always my newest because that's the fun to work on but what we have that you don't have yet is we got the confidence because we know shit works so we know we can get them so you know what it's what you do after you know you can make them laugh that's when you really get into the shit but first such a journey first yeah you know listen an artist journey a musician a comedian it's a fucking journey, man.

And the journey is to toughen your skin for later. Because if you can't take those first five or six years, you don't want to deal with what comes in later. You know, there's times, you know, and what do they call them? They call them uptown problems. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, it's, it's, but you got quality problem. But you got prepared because you toughened your skin early on. you know 20 years ago when I walked into an audition I couldn't sleep when I walked out of there now I walk into an audition and people ask me two days later how'd you do and I'm what are you talking about? Yeah. If I get it, I get it.

If I don't, I don't. Exactly, I leave it there. There was tough skin. There was skin developed. The other thing, the difference with comics is we got a practice in front of people. You know? See, I got a lot of friends who are musicians

and it's like, yeah, we don't really have studio time right as a comic that's the difference we had to be bad in front of people if you play the guitar you get to practice the guitar in your basement in your room and then you come out when you're good at playing the guitar as a comic it's like now you got to be bad in front of people and then get good in front of people i'm really happy you said that a lonson because it uh it made everything in my life taste a little better. It made me remember what I did go through. Like, I almost got myself to tears on the drive home going, really?

I did all that shit. I really slept on park benches. You know, I slept on a couch just for the name of comedy. You know, I drove 16 hours to do a 14 hours to do a guest set to try to get work from knuckleheads. And I got the work and they went out of business. You know, they gave me six weeks of work. They went out of business.

You know, I mean, I think about all that, those things. Listen, man, I can tell you, and how many times are we happy to drive two hours for $25? Because you was getting paid. And two tacos. You was getting paid. And you got food, and you were getting paid. And people, you know, like, it's funny to me,

like people who mention a town in California, there's nowhere I haven't been. Like, oh, hem it, or this. And it's like, yeah. What are you kidding? I came up in LA? I've done every town. Eureka, Hemet, whatever, Viceria, you know, all of these places.

Yeah, of course. Because you had to, right? You had to drive and do you know. Every night you were on the five south. Yeah. All I know is going to five south. There was a time between Rudy, Jeff. Oh, man.

Rudy, Jeff, the other kid. There was like six or seven. Mexicans, and these motherfuckers put your ass to work on a daily week. I told, I just did. I thank them fucking every day. I thank them. I just did toys for tots for Rudy Sunday night. And I was telling a friend, you are not an L.A. comic if you haven't done a Rudy Moreno

gig. Yeah, you don't know nothing. If you haven't done one of Rudy's, remember Rudy used to have all those rooms in East LA? The brave bull? What the fuck you think you're dealing with? $20 a show? Friday and Saturday.

Oh, man. I was there the night, Maryland got into the riot. There was a riot. Yeah. Yeah. I remember that. Do you remember that? I remember that.

Joey, what happened? Rudy, I don't know. Rudy was, man. Rudy's and, you know, and, you know, these are the guys, right? So people, they don't know him. They don't know who he is, but he's an icon amongst comics. I love Rudy. I just got to break his balls.

He's always fucking fucking shit on Facebook. So he drives me. crazy. I had to insult him a few weeks ago because he kept sending me a fly. Like, no words, just a fly. Why he's sending me this fucking flying for, Rudy? Do you think I'll ever have you to come down one night?

Not really, Rudy. He's telling me a fucking flyer. But, you know, I think of all those nights, like being broke and going to the Commerce Casino. And Rudy giving you $100. 100 bucks for the Commerce Casino Thursday night.

Running the back get Chinese food. Thursday night? Really good Chinese food. But I still remember going to commerce casino. He would put altos. Yeah. On the table. And I would take two altosites.

I wouldn't even put him in my pocket. I just keep taking the altoids from him. And then in between sets, when he was up on stage, I go, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. And I just keep saying. Rudy. Rudy.

Rudy. I used to love. I'm trying to think. Where was I? Oh. I did this bar gig that's called the federal bar It's in Long Beach

And it was cool I did a few weeks ago There was a big motorcycle show So it's doing the show After the motorcycle show And a bunch of bike friends came down But anyway They were like

You gotta be off stage at 930 Because dancing starts at 10 And I was like Oh shit I ain't done one of these In a long time Remember those Remember that? You had to be off stage

because the DJ, the people would be lined up for the DJ and you had to have you. Dog, I used to have to follow a line dancing class in Denver on Sunday nights that turned into a pretty good room. Yeah. But you had to wait for the line dancers to get out. That's right. And you got to remember 92.

That was achy-breaky. Yeah, hell you. Everybody was doing achy-breaky. Line dancing classes on a Sunday fucking. fucking night. A hundred fat country women with boots on and one black chick. I thought it was been 99

white chicks and one black chick that said, I'm coming. And yeah, no, thank you for enlightening me last week. Listen, the early part of your comedy career, right? It's annoying people. Right? You're doing comedy. They're annoys people. You go into their local bar

doing a comedy night that they don't know about. Right? You're in the back of a bookstore that people want peace and quiet. I did a bike shop too. There you go. Your gig is where can I go annoy people with this comedy? Ahmed Ahmed used to have a gig in a, I think it was it a Cuban restaurant in Westella. It was a restaurant, you know, and you'd literally like, these poor people came to

eat dinner. But we're going to bug you. for the next 45 years. They do that in the valley. There's a restaurant up here that doesn't open my one night with Lee. There's people eating dinner and you're going up. These people don't even know it's coming. That's right.

That's your job. Your job. They came to talk and you're asking them fucking questions if you're out of town. Your job. We used to do this woman, Victoria Dushaf. She'd always get gigs in these hotels. Who is Victoria? Victoria.

Well, I think it was her. Her dad, her dad was a big time club guy. She died of cancer. Yeah. She died of cancer. What was the name of it? What was it? The Latin casino.

The Latin casino. Right. Right. And she was great. She, but we would do a way. She died of cancer. Yeah. We would do Wednesday night at the holiday in by the airport by L-A-X.

And every Wednesday, there was like a German tour group that stayed at the hotel. So half the people at the bar did not speak English. They were Germans. And we were there every Wednesday night. Shang used to. I think I met Shang at that gig. But, you know, that's the work, right? So this is what I was talking about.

And at the time, I didn't know anything was wrong with that because I got on stage, you know. But there were times, man, where I took hits. And for me, I'll tell you, the hardest part for me, was Def Jam crowds, the hardcore black crowds. Because I'm a black comic, but I'm not that black comic, right? I come from a different place. And those crowds used to, I would get destroyed. I would get destroyed.

I did a place called my brother's favorite story in my career, Manhattan proper in Queens, where I grew up, they didn't just boo me off the stage. They booed me out to the building onto Lyndon Boulevard. But the moment that the one I remember was it was at the Normandy Casino in L.A.

Right? And I was getting booed and heckled and this guy was hitting me with prison heckles and I didn't even know what the fuck he was talking about, right? And Speedy, I don't know if you knew Speedy, Peedy. What happened then? I don't know. But Speedy came up to me. He said, yo man, don't worry about this shit. He said, you're working in Hollywood already. He said, these motherfuckers would kill to get to Hollywood.

He said, don't worry about them. You ain't going to gain nothing by getting them. They're following you. And Cedric the entertainer said was another one who back in that day, he was like, you know, you do you. don't worry about this shit you do you and this is getting back to what we were talking about when a pro says that to you I'm two years in

three years in right and my own people you know what I mean I'm like the fuck am I doing yeah but they were the ones who were like you do you man you just don't worry about it just keep working

keep working and don't try to be something you're not don't try to be you know something this you know I grew up in Queens I grew up in St. Olman's Queens working class

black neighborhood or whatever it says so don't try to come from the hood because you ain't from the hood right you that's not you so don't try to be that and it worked and and my heroes were guys like Franklin Ajai

yeah right people don't even remember Franklin Ajai I should remember them at the Comedy Stone I gave my hog and Franklin Ajai was a legend. Franklin Ajai was and he was, remember when I saw him in car wash. Yeah, yeah, that's what everyone remembers. But his stand-up, you know, was, he was brilliant. And so that helped me a lot. But those were the down times, man.

I remember doing a set after I went to the Black Expo. And I went up somewhere in L.A. I don't remember where, Black Club. and I was trying to make fun of the Black Expo and they wasn't having it. They wasn't having that shit for a minute. And those were the days that, like I said, if it wasn't for the fact that I got up again,

you know, the next day or two days later, those, that's how you build a joker. What do you remember more? Your crushes or your bombings? Bombing. Oh, I fucking love them. Yeah. Bommel them close to my heart.

Well, now I don't know about you. I laugh when I bombed. I laughed too. Because I'm like, I got it out of the way. I'm like, you know, my thing is it's like, how could I be that wrong? Yeah. I thought this shit was funny. How could I, I've been doing this shit for 26 years?

How could I have missed by that much? If you get in your car and you go home. I still remember getting the car and crying. Oh. Going, this is my last spot. Your life is worthless. This is the last time I got a spot at the comedy store. I remember bombing in front of Mitchie.

Just walking right to my car going, well, It looks like I'm going back to stealing. I dated this chick, and she had been married to a comic. And she literally said to me, she said, you know, I could fall in love with you. She said, but I can't do it again. She said, I can't do another comic. It's too hard with you guys. Your fucking life is just, you know.

Takes a special woman. But what part of it would you trade? Me right now. Yeah. What part of the role? to be Joey Coco Diaz today. You know what I'm saying? What part of the past 20, 25, whatever, would you trade?

Nothing. Right? You can't because... As times I'm on stage now, and I can actually feel myself getting laughter, and I can see my mind going back to 94 and going. The reason why I'm getting this laughter is because that night in that bar ate that bag of dick.

Man, right when I'm on stage, this is happening to me. And I'm still cracking jokes, but my mind is taking me there going. The reason why I'm doing so well tonight is because of that particular night in 97, Bremerton, Washington. Right. Thank God I'm still in this. Well, you talked about it earlier when you're doing the interview, right? You can talk to the interview now because you were on K-J-A-Y. in Ames, Iowa.

It's Tuesday morning on the Laughing Clown, and we got Joey Coco Diaz. And you did that interview. That interview. So when you sit on the couch at the tonight show, you're like, I got this, right? Everything we did, the lesson came up later. Every shitty one night,

every time the microphone didn't work, and now you got a problem. I ain't got a problem. I've worked with it. out of Mike before. Lights went out. All right. Get a candle.

Let's go. Right? Because you've done, you know, we've done that shit, right? Or, you know, you need time to, I got to get my head right. Well, nah, man, because the Greyhound stopped at seven and the show stopped at 7.15. I literally hit this stage on a dead run. I still remember changing in a cab from Dulles Air. on the phone with the host

to make the fucking feature to do an extra 10 minutes and I'm changing in the fucking cab from Dulles to Tyson's corner Virginia. The guy had a whole car room on Fridays and Saturdays it was the Friday after Thanksgiving I get to the airport

who's at the airport delayed and lit already my boy George Lopez I see him at the airport he's got come over and have a drink We started drinking a little George, I gotta leave. Oh, you're delayed too. So I was delayed with George.

I think we got to the airport at seven. I think I finally took off at like, fuck my 11. I got the DC at like 848. Then, guess what? Stevie Wonder was on the fucking plane. So they had a lot of off first. So they got to get him up. And he's got to walk two steps.

And they got to get the dog and eight other blind guys because he brings like three blind guys with him. So that's another half hour. And I'm running late to Tyson's corner. And Stevie Wonder got to be on this motherfucking flight. Ain't that a bitch? So all those things, yeah, like without even thinking. That night there was no looking at your notes.

Right. It was 45 minutes of going up there, and I hope I remember whatever the fuck out. Because on the plane, you're focused on landing. You're not focused. You're focused on landing. I'm happy you stop by it. What are we going to do with the clip is this? You talk to me.

What are the Clippers going to do this year? Okay, this is my thing. I'm a Clipper fan. Joey, I want the second round because we ain't been to the second round. That's all you want. This year, I want the second round. We're about the finals next year.

This year I want the second round. I got no problem with load management on Kauai. He knows what he's doing. If he says he ain't playing the night, I don't care because come April and May, he's MVP. Paul George is even better than I thought. So I see the clippers going deep. My only problem is fucking LeBron, who's on a mission.

And I knew LeBron was going to be great this season because he had the whole summer off. I didn't know he was going to be the best point guard in the NBA. Right? LeBron's going crazy. So we'll see. But, you know, I'm there, man. You know I'm there. And I'm going to keep calling you.

I hit you up for games. I know you got shit to do. I follow you. You make me laugh. You're the only motherfucker that gets delayed every week by an airline. Every week I see Sunday. On Monday, you're at war with some. American Airlines has my American Airlines has downgraded me twice.

See, the look on your face, see, people don't even know that you can get downgraded. Yes, Joey, downgraded. As in, I paid for business and they're like, look, you want to go back to coach? Twice I've been downgraded, Joey. They give you a money back? Yeah, they give you a $300 voucher. The fuck is that? Yes, downgraded.

I know you're always working, you're always doing radio, you're hustling, and you're one of the true fucking... I still love it, man. No, I still love it, Joe. I had such a good time with you that night, because I watched you up there after me talking, and I'm like, that's a pro. Man.

He didn't say shit. He went up there, and he's having a good fucking time. Fuck yeah. On the web to who you text me, and I was like, see, this is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about. The love. And this is what I was talking about about comics, right? About how we, you and me might see each other five times a year, but it's always good.

No, it's always good. Always good. And sometimes just some shit happens, and I'm like, oh, I got to text Joey about this. Joey's going to love this. Or vice versa. The clip is one again. I was so happy. You did.

You texted me. When they signed him, when they signed him, he gave me a shouter. He said, Alonzo, been there? Bro, he's been there since day one. This is what I'm talking about. This guy was there, and the universe took care of him. It even happens as a fucking fan, man. I was so happy for you.

Thank you, man. And then I bumped into Eric Griffin. Yeah, Eric's there. He got rid of his tickets. He bought him back. He bought him back. He bought him back. Yeah.

I ain't got that TV money no more, you know. Yeah, he bought, he bought him back. Any dates you want to promote while you're here for it? I got this weekend coming up, La Jolla, Comedy Store, and then the weekend of the 21st, I'm at Grand Rapids, Dr. Grins. Beautiful. One of my favorites. Yeah, Dr. Grins. They have a little of the Twins for me.

Yeah, yeah. They're good fucking people. Up on the third floor. They're good people. Yota's a good fucking dude, man. Third floor. I'm in New York. week. Tickets are gone. Boston's gone. Right now all I got available for you

motherfuckers is December 21st. Triple Christmas with Uncle Joey. Nice. The Saturday before. Nice early show, 7.30. You go to your cousin's house at 9.30 and snort Coke or whatever the fuck you do on Christmas. And that's it and that's that. Alonzo, I want to thank you. Man, I love you. I'm coming by the church today. Thank you. So good to be back in the church. Giving us some love real quick. The holidays are coming. You want to look for some gifts for people. I got an amazing unconventional gift that you give anybody in your life. You ever look at your mom and go, I wonder what my mom's ass would smell like. Everybody has an ass.

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Why? Because you got a fucking, you got like Julius Irving Afro around your fucking dick and it fucking sweats. So it's over. You're looking for a gift, manscape. You're like, Joey, what's manscape? It's the only tool you need to shave your balls and the area around your fucking love pole. It's called a lone mower 2.0 for a reason.

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for putting this podcast together, but I want to thank Alonzo Bowden for being the star of it today. My brother, you always welcome on here. I love you, Joey. He's doing what you're doing. You too, man. It's great to reminisce, great to move forward, whatever.

Listen, I just want you to let these young comics know. that they're running a fucking charity out here. You're going to have to give, you know, when you burn the fire, they take ass from your skin, they put it on your face, the same thing. It's the grind, baby. Love the grind, love the grind. It's all about the grind. If you ain't going to grind, try tennis.

They'll take you over there. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. I'll see you in New York and in Boston Saturday night. Kick this motherfucker, Mulee. I said, baby, you know, I'm sorry. I'm gonna leave you I'm leave you in the summertime

Leave you and the summer comes a roll I can hear it calling me the way it used to do I get it that's when it's called