The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #742 - Andrew 'Dice' Clay - Dice's Holiday Podcast

Episode Date: December 8, 2019

Andrew 'Dice' Clay, an iconic stand up comedian and actor, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. We also have a surprise visit from a very special guest!   This podcast is brought to you by:   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH   Behind The Irishman podcast - Go behind the scenes with host Sebastian Maniscalco and learn about Martin Scorsese's new Netflix movie "The Irishman." http://smarturl.it/behindtheirishman

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It's a beautiful day to be alive. Andrew Dice Clay. Christchurch, and Uncle Joey. You'll Led Zeppelin on a Monday morning. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Andrew, what's going on, brother? How are you? How are you?

Great to see you. It's been a minute. You know, that's when I'm drinking the coffee, trying to wake up to you. I love it. I love it. I love the car you pulled up in. it's the second one of those I've had

you like it yeah I love it can take this off yeah you do whatever I like hearing the music through it yeah um yeah the other one I kept for like 10 years you know and I just got another one because it's just you know how in Hollywood

you know God forbid you know if you're anybody if you don't have the Mercedes or the Accura or the bullshit and I got nothing Mercedes is the I got a It's a machine. It's the greatest car on Earth.

But the Challenger is just fucking cooler. And that's why I got it. What year is that one? It's basically, um, is it a 19? Not night. No, no, I'm just saying. I think it's a 19, 2019. Yeah.

And you had one before. Yeah. The other one I bought like 10 years ago. You know, and they don't change them much. You know, it's just like the perfect car just for you and your chick. Like there's a back seat, but nobody's ever back there. You know what I mean? And it's, and I never went for little sports cars.

It's a big car. That's what I like about it. I drive, I don't give a fuck about BMWs, convertibles, nothing. I drive a Subaru. Yeah, you drive what's right for you. I've driven one since 87. Why stop now? No, you know what?

It's what you like. That's what I'm saying. You know, I've actually had people. I like a Cadillac. You know, I like the new STS Cadillac. You know, that's a good call. But I don't want to drop 800 a month on the piece. But, well, I like the escalade.

The shorter escalade is like mussely. You know what I mean? Too big. I can't see. Well, but, yeah, see. I can't see. Everything's falling off. Can't see through.

I could never. I had a truck for years in Colorado. And the right side always had decks. I had more dense on the right side I don't know what it is about the fucking I Well I drove the truck for years But I just I'm into this car You know I mean it just feels good

Like I'm not like a one minute up guy Like even though I got the car like a year ago You know it doesn't get old to me in 30 seconds Where you treat it like garbage and you know Maw shit and you don't I'm into it Like the whole time I had that other one I was into it.

Not that this means anything. I just, you know, really appreciate the things I have, you know, I don't, it just doesn't get up. What? What? Why are you looking at me like that? I'm just happier here. What kind of car you drive?

I drive a jet. I wish I had your car. You know, no, but I'm just saying, I, but you love your car, right? No, not as much as you do. I just had just a car. No, I really do. I like the size. I was screaming at the fucking salesman because I thought I'd maybe get a charger.

So I went to the same place. I didn't even realize in Vegas there's a Dodge dealership like three blocks from me. So I go all the way on the east side where I got the first challenger. And I go, I'm thinking maybe I'll get the charger, you know. And, but, you know, I have two. And I'm thinking that because it's four doors. So if I want to go out with my sons, you know, they sit in the back, obviously. So I got to get in the back.

I hit my head, you know, because now what they do, they make that lower, and they bring the glass, the back of the window, like half over your head. So I said, there's a salesman. I go, why would they do that? So if it's sunny out, you're just burning the top of your head. Like, why wouldn't they fit? He goes, well, you know, I just sell, I go, no, but you're the fucking salesman, you know, and you have no answer for me.

You know, then I sit in the front, and I go, is this? The seat smaller than the challenger? And he goes, well, I don't know. I go, do you ever sit in a challenger? And he goes, yeah, I go, you ever sit in a charger? You know, and he's going, yeah, I go, and you can't feel the difference. You're going to stand here and just fucking lie to me now. You know, you don't know why the glass is the way it is.

You don't know why the fucking seat is the way it is. You don't even have a color I'm looking for, but yet you're telling me we'll give you a good deal on what? on something I don't want? Is that what you're going to tell me now? And he's like, well, you know, we could talk to the boss about what? I go, there's not a car here that I want. He goes, well, we could get you any color that you want. And I'm going, there's no, if, do you understand?

I go, a car is an impulse buy. I drove in here. I got in a certain mood. I go, all right, it's time to trade this one out. I'll get a new one, maybe to charge you, which makes fucking little beat. seats. They go, because it's a sports car. And I go, and what the fuck is the challenger? And I'm really yelling at the guy. I go, would the challenger be, if we were in a fucking court of law, would the challenger be considered a sports car?

And he goes, yeah, I suppose. No, not suppose. You know, this is what the guy. I go, it either is or it isn't. and he goes yeah it's a sports car I go so you answered the question so you know I'm not buying the charger because it's made out of shit it's just a glass car as far as I'm concerned that's going to burn people's heads off in the middle of the fucking desert

they go and you don't have a challenger you got all shit colors no fucking sky roof where I could open up the sky roof is that what it's called sunroof sunroof this one has this one that you You're driving now?

Yes. Okay. Why wouldn't it? If that's what I was looking for, you know. So then I'm told by a friend of mine in Vegas, they go, there's a Dodge dealership two blocks from you for the most part. And you're going a half hour the other way. So I go to the other place and there it is.

One of a kind with the shaker, the whole fucking thing. And I go, that's the car. Just give it to me. You know, and take this. And that's the story of the Challenger. Because I know you like stories. But I really get mad at salesmen when they try to bullshit me. Because even years ago, a Cadillac,

I don't know if they did this course of me, but I went to buy an escalade EXT at the time. You know, the square back? So I'm looking at the back seat. Once again, the salesmen, they make like they know everything until you got a question. You know how the front has the captain seats? Right. Nice high, you know, protect you.

So the back doesn't have that, right? And I go, where's the highest seat? Even in the regular one, not the EXT, I go, where's the high, you know, backs on the seats? Well, no, it's got the little thing. I go, the little thing for what? When you stop short, kids could just break. their necks, that the head is above that shit? I go, so Cadillac is just going to fuck you, the adults count, but the kids, fuck them.

Right? Fuck anybody in the back if you happen to have a fucking fender bender and your neck breaks off. You know, I go, is that what you're telling me? You know, for the three cents more, it'll take to build the fucking car for the 90 or 100 grand that you want for the car. You don't get to support your neck. I got to worry who's in the back fucking seat if somebody bashes into me. because you said, ah, fuck them.

Fuck grandma and grandpa, right? Fuck them. You know, I just fucking hate people because as I go on with life, just I realize how everybody's full of shit. Like, did you see me walk in here with any friends? No. Do you know why? Why?

Because there are no fucking friends. You know, my mother taught me that when I was very young. And, of course, you got to read between the lines. you know, in life, you go, oh, this is a friend, right? You know, sort of, you know, you know, until they asked me to buy them a car, and then they're not a friend anymore. You know, then I just eliminate them from my fucking life. Because I don't know anybody, any fucking thing.

You know, whatever I got, I fucking took in my life, you know, and, you know, people even say to me, like, yeah, I got to do this. Where am I performing? Oh, tomorrow I'll be at the stand, okay, which is the, I just, got to say it on the 10th. And then also next week, the 17th and 18th at the stand. And I'm supposed to say that. You know, they asked me, would you say that?

I'm happy you did. No, I'm glad to see you. Yeah. Like, you know, even when I said, well, you know, I could do, you know, Joe Diaz, he's a buddy of mine. You are a friend, you know what I mean? But you're not a friend I'm with every day. So it's like a pleasure to see you.

You don't call me up and go give me money. I did call you. You just two days ago. No, no, I'm saying, you know, to give you things. You know what I mean? You know, and I'm not, you know, this is mine. I took the time to buy this in Baker. That's a good choice.

You know, with, no, because I got a brand new girlfriend for the last like four months now, right? Which I'll tell you, but Eleanor got off for me. Right. And so on the way back from Vegas, I stopped at Baker, you know, and there was like these sandstorms. like she couldn't even believe, you know, what are we doing here? And I go, no, you don't understand the candy they have at this particular place. And she goes, what candy? What is with you with the candy? And I look at her, I go, what's with you? You know, just because I'm over 20, I'm not allowed candy anymore. There's a cutoff date. They get the big tutsi rolls. They got the hot tamales in the box.

see what hot tamale try to do was put it in little bags like M&M bags you know so I stopped fucking buying them like you belong in a box you know like good and plenty good and plenty don't come in a fucking bag comes in a box

the way it should like Mike and Ike right with the multi-flavors right the hot tamales do you think they didn't go back to the box because they saw I wasn't buying them so I got the Tutsi roll she goes I can't believe what you're walking at The five-year-olds coming in this gas station are not walking out with this much candy.

And then I showed her in the car how to line everything up with the Mentos. You know, like, because you got the... Like the Mentos, then the Tutsi roll, then a Mentos, then a Tutsi roll. You see, there's an order. Yeah. You know, then the Bubba Gum goes on the bottom part. And then the boxes go on the top shelf. Okay.

You know, like the hot tamales, the good and plenty, the Mike and Ikes. And she's going, you're a man. I go, why can't a man like candy? You understand? It's what I like. She goes, well, you know, I know you told me a sugar level. Like I had diabetes for half a minute, like everybody's getting. You know, like that's the hot.

Like, God forbid you don't have diabetes. You're not part of the in crowd. That's why I stay the fuck out of Florida. They're all just the walking fucking dead. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I got to go there too this week.

But, you know, that's all right. You know. Yeah, I don't even know the name of the place. I'm just going and doing it and I'm getting the fuck out of there. Because I got the fucking relatives calling from eight months ago. Okay? Eight months ago they're calling, you know, are we going to hang out? Are you going to come over?

Why? So you could bring the neighbor over five minutes? after I'm there, I'm never going over. You understand? You know, eight months, and I tried to explain with the texting. I go, I can't talk about a one-night gig. I'm doing eight months from now.

I don't like to think about when I got to travel. I'm sure you're the same way. I don't want to think about it. What's in front of me? All you care is, that's right. And then once you're on stage, you're at home, wherever you are. Nothing drives me crazier than a friend of mine calling me going,

but, hey, I see you're going to be in Jersey. Like today, they'll call me and go, hey, I see you're going to be in Jersey in August. We're definitely coming. This is me the fuck off. I called a friend of my last week. I have a certain thing when I go on the road that whatever, I have bad luck. I don't know what I do, that I have bad luck. But every time I go to town, to my hometown, somebody's mother dies.

I've never seen anything like this. So I get these people who call me and they'll go, we're coming, I bought 20 tickets, we're going to dinner at Spagos, whatever. They give you the whole lineup of what they're doing. Then the day of, at 2 o'clock, I'm on my computer, so I'll get the text messages. I'll get a text.

My mother has dementia, and she left the house and got on the bicycle and fell off the bicycle. What are you talking about? The last time I was another, Atlantic City. This guy tortured me for a fucking, no, stress factory. I was just to October 24th. Torture me for a year.

I'm coming, I'm coming. I bought 20 ticket. The day out. My father, the bag broke so he can't piss. Every time I go home. And who gives a fuck? They call you a year before the gig. Are these relatives or just people that? Dear friends, I love them to death.

But I don't, you try to, you want to let them know, like, listen, I don't really give a fuck about next or Like I'm not even thinking about next August. And don't they have a job? Don't they have a job? They don't want to get up for. Lives, careers.

They have everything. But they think like what you do is just a joke, not like it's work up there. Right. You know what I mean? They don't understand like you're burning out your brain. My friends have gotten it now. They get it now. You know?

They get it now because how it cuts a little more. My family, my relatives, they never got it. They never got it. Like when it, you know, because after the, they don't get the response from me, they get to my sister, okay? And my sister tells them, like this is for the last, like,

two and a half years, I was, like, single. So my sister would say, if he hangs out with you, but at the time he's done, he wants to meet girls, he wants to have a good time. He doesn't want to sit there and go,

so what's new? Who gives a fuck what's new? I don't care what's new. As long as they're all healthy and happy, God bless, stay the fuck away from me. Who's left in Florida? You know, I got plenty there.

Uncle Lance, you're talking about. Yeah, yes, cousins. And it's just like, don't buy. And now I got a new girlfriend. So when I come there, you know, I want to be with her. You know, I don't need them staring and looking and judging. Get the fuck out of here. You know, put me on the list.

What list? It's a shit house. You understand? It's a little fucking shit house that I'm having. having fun. I'm enjoying finally after, like, I made it like in 88. So that's like 32 years ago. Like normally a guy when they make it, like at that point, they're done by 94. You know, it would just be over. You know, but I'm like, which Joey knows my career. I'm like one of those animals that just keep building it. So I'm finally at a point where I can

enjoy my shows. You know what I mean? Like I love, like I'm mentioning the stand and governors and you know, all these little clubs that I'll stay on for an hour, an hour and a half, because I'm enjoying the craft of being a stand-up, you know, you know. And then, you know, you get like an asshole that wants to go, well, how come you're not at the garden this week? You know, like, that's not what I'm doing. Like, even when I did the Roseanne shows, and that was giant. I would look at that as giant. When you're in over 2,000 seats, you know, it was like 4,000.

people that night and we didn't even put 4,000 seats on sale. We put two on sale, but we did four out of, you know, they ask you, can we add? Can we, okay, great. And when I was up there, it wasn't fun for me. It was work, you know, plus they want to get people back in the casino. And instead of like drawing out the bits, you know, and adding to them and making it great, you're just banging them over the head and getting rid of them. and I don't like doing that anymore.

You know, I like these smaller places, and it's, you really like, now I'm bringing, I bring people on stage, I take pictures with them, like, do the show if I happen to like them, because you tell them,

don't take out your fucking camera, don't yell anything out, don't feel, you're gonna get thrown out. Like, I had a thing at the Laugh factory a few weeks ago, where I left the stage mentally, like on this one guy

that was just drinking and yelling, and I said, I go, this is now a personal thing to me. I go, I'm not in the show right now. I don't fucking like you. And you're going to ruin the whole vibe. I said, I will come there. I'll grab you by your throat and I'll throw you to fuck out of this room.

I said, say one more fucking thing and see what happened. Like, I just lose it because I don't want the 300 people that are there to not have a great time. Because of one guy that can't hold this fucking liquor. It's not like heckling 30 years. years ago where it was fun and you bounce back and they're just drunk they want to yell something in the middle of a bit that makes no fucking sense and I just destroy them or have them thrown out I enjoy getting rid of fans you understand I know fame is basically new to you the last couple years is where your star is risen you know so it's new so you might actually like to meet people

Like I tell them on stage I go I'll give you everything Just don't come over to me if you see me in the casino I don't want to meet you You know I don't want to take a picture with you That you're gonna tell me you're gonna grab my shirt and go it's blurry do another one I don't want to sign anything I don't want to hear some bullshit story

That you made up or a friend of mine That's not even a friend that's been telling you for 30 years He's a friend I don't want to hear it You know I don't want to fucking know you I don't want you to follow me. I don't need you on Instagram to me as like a goof. Like I do it for fun because it's just there to do.

And I get Eleanor like at her worst moments and I film her and it nothing makes me happier than to see her get angry at me. You know what I mean? It's just an enjoyable part of my day when I could aggravate her, you know. And because she's great at being aggravated, you know. She hates her whole fucking life. So if I see her mad at me, I just hit the camera and I get whatever I could get out of her. And so that's enjoyable to me. But to meet somebody in here, you know, remember when you came out with the poems?

Yeah. No, when you first said and they start doing one, I go, I don't need you to tell them. I cut them off. Like I don't let them go through with the poem. I said, I don't want to hear my poem. I know my poem. No, but when you said, no, but I don't want to hear it from you. You don't know how to do it.

You're an asshole guy. You're 60. Walk the fuck away. I'm not a people person. I love to be on stage, but I don't want to meet anybody because I know how most people are no fucking good. And I know it because I see them in their cars.

And I see how these motherfuckers no good in their fucking hearts don't even bother to use the blinker the closest thing that's right there it tortures me on people right there what and it's a law and there is a fine

you understand and they could cause a lot of problems you know people could get killed over this shit like it's right there why not why didn't you use it why didn't you use your blink why do you think making a YouTube turn anywhere is acceptable.

Why do you think the guy pulling out of his spot wants to choke you to die? I saw a guy make one of those illegal use and hit a car pulling out from the other side at a Ventura Boulevard bashed in the guy's fucking door.

You know, I wanted to see that guy get out of the car and kill him. I really wanted to see it. And the guy that hit him had no fucking shoes. Forget about the flip-flops. Had no fucking shoes. I wanted the guy that got hit to take a pipe and just beat him to death and I would have watched it like a TV show. You know, because, and I don't see any cops stopping anybody doing

this shit. You know what I mean? Just wherever you are. I'll make a you turn here. Fuck everybody. The rules in a road. Nobody's paying a tent. The simplest thing, a blinker. You know? It upsets me, too. I hate when people get in an accident, they just stop right in the middle of the freeway. How about on the train? What happened to the train? You know, where they sit down and they put their bag in the middle. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And nobody wants to move their fucking bag. Cock suckers, as you would say. No fucking good. And then when you ask them, you mind if I sit there? And they make the face like you're doing the wrong thing? I paid for a ticket, fuck face. You know, fucking good piece of shit. And that's why.

audiences need to be treated as I treat them. Look, I'm not begging them to come see me. I don't care if anybody comes to see me. I don't even want them to, you know, but if they're going to pay me money to be somewhere and people want to pay to come, I can't stop them, you know, I'll entertain. I'd be happier with 10 people a show.

You know what I mean? I could stay up even longer, no pressure. But they keep showing up. And it keeps getting bigger and bigger. Now I got this another. I was never going to go back to Australia. You know. So they keep upping the money, you know.

I'm like, you motherfuckers. I hate them. Do you understand? Like, you know, and everybody go, oh, you'll have a good time. It wasn't, I didn't have fun the first fucking time. Yeah, all right. I held the koala bear for 30 seconds.

I could have lived my whole life out without ever holding one. You know what I mean? Because it's the whole Ford Fairling thing, you know, that I had a koala bear. So I went to a koala park and I held one and it was very cute. But believe me, if I was 90 years old now and they go, do you feel bad? You never held the koala bear? No. No.

I don't like my dog. What the fuck do I care about a koala bear? What am I going to? You inscribe to people. no pressure comedy to pressure comedy yeah pressure comedy because I lived a lot of it

is you know when I did these bigger than life places and you know I was never into the drugs or alcohol I did it with a straight head so when you're facing anywhere between 15 and 21,000 people a night

there's a lot of pressure because number one you feel them going through you and that's what I felt in Atlantic City when I did the Roseanne show. Like you feel the energy of the crowd going through you. Like it's just too much.

You know, and I train every day just about. But even back then, when I was 30, I would feel it, you know. And it was just too much because I did, you know, so many tours. It was, you know, it was, you know, hundreds of shows like that. And when you're in a comedy club,

you know, rather when you're in a comedy club and nobody's expecting you to be, when you just do a pop-up somewhere, that's when I feel no pressure at all. You know, it's just like me in a living room full of people, even when I'm in a club. You know, it's a small environment. You know, you could really feel your laughs.

You could really stretch out your material, whatever bit it might be, and you come off stage like, pleased with yourself, because you got better at the bit and you added things to the bit. you know, rather than having to be in front of a big crowd and just bang them over the head for 50 minutes or an hour and go, it's not the kind of show I want to do.

You know, that's the one thing I realized when I did those shows with Roseanne. I go, I don't need this. I don't need to be in these, you know, bigger than life places. It's just not what I want to do, you know. And so I've been enjoying, you know, the biggest should be about, it's weird how, you know, theaters have like rather than 2,000, the 1,900 seats, you know, so they could steal the other hundred seats that they're not telling you about. Right.

It's really 2,000. But they, you know, you got to let people steal their money. You know, it's just how the business works, you know. I remember having an argument with a guy that had a theater talking about, well, where's my, you know, percentage? Well, you didn't make percentage. You know, we gave a, you know, 90 tickets, comp tickets, you know, you know, and I'm going, what does that have to do with me?

They're not 90 people for me. I don't even, I'm not friendly with 90 people. You know, who am I giving the tickets to? You know, it's going, well, you didn't make the percent. I go, no, but I did because you gave those away, you know, it's on, but I don't get mad. It's like, that's just part of the business, you know, that you get ripped off, you know. You're still walking away with a bundle, you know, so I can't complain about that. But yeah, I like being in a smaller environment.

Like, you know, when I'm at the Trap in Vegas, to me, that's like a home away from home, the Laugh Factory. You know, so that's why I do. I do that like once every month, one every other month. And it's just enjoyable to me. Are you interested in shooting another special? If I did another special, it would be a, the only thing I got in my mind is almost like a documentary slash special. And I'm not talking about stage, show clips, stage. stage or anybody doing that and I'm telling you if you do like an hour don't ever leave the stage

meaning don't go to you know Joey on the bus coming to town and then back to stage I don't like that either it doesn't work it's like watching the stand-up special with commercials you know I'll tell you the truth I'll never forget um when Pauley Short did his first special years ago and he goes can I throw a concept that yeah because I was already dice and doing whatever I was doing. He goes, so I'm going to do a special, my first special. And what I want to do, you know, and he explained, like, being on the bus and then cutting to the stage and, you know, then showing them with the fans and, you know, all kinds of

back to the stage. I go, I wouldn't do it that way, you know. I go, once you get, I don't care if there's a lead up to the stage. I think that's good, you know, but once you're on the stage, you don't cut away. It's like when you watch Comedy Central specials, you get into the guy. or the girl. And then they go to commercial. That's what I'm saying.

Well, that's when I, you know, got to jerk my dick off and I'm not coming back. I'm just not coming back. You know, once it's gone, it's gone. Like, oh, let me rev up to laugh again. You know what I mean? It doesn't work that way. You know, you got, once you're on,

and he's going, no, well, I want to do it this way, you know. Like, after I give him the advice, I want to do it. I go, so what the fuck you were even asking me for? No, it's the worst. And he did it that way. way and it was an awful special you know not that paulie's awful but it was an awful way to do things you know it's like it just doesn't work so if i do like the kind of project i want to do it would be like because i got hundreds of tapes of all that time and it's like my son max always says he goes

you're never going to be explained the right way till you explain it because you know your story and you know how bumpy it's been and how rough it's been that every move, every move I've ever made has not come without the aggravation. It's just how the career and life is gone. And I don't mind that. You know, it's just how it is, though. But I would know how to tell the story.

You know, nobody's... Do you know who explains me better than you? Joe, you know, Rogan. And I love when he does this, when he has a comic on Because they don't want to hear about anything other than themselves. And for whatever reason, Joe gets into talking about me to a lot of these guys, and they don't want to hear it. They're calm about it, but they don't want to fucking. And the calmer they are, the longer he talks about it.

It's the greatest. Because people will call me and go, you got to see this clip from Rogan. Because, like, he talks about, you know, how comics are doing arena is today. but he goes, but Dice, when he did it, you know, it was different. It was, it was an explosion in the country. You know, but he's got no, he's not like, you know, I love Howard Stern, but even Stern never laid it out the way Rogan does, you know, because it was happening. When I was doing Stern, Stern, Stern was coming up.

You know, he wasn't the Howard Stern of today. He was going city to city and fighting all those guys and building his career. So I was the biggest thing in the fucking country And I had more confidence than anybody I ever met in my life So even he would never Really give it up like that You know, but Rogan will go

And look, when Dice hit, it was like a bomb going off You know, and it's never happening again Don't lose that thought. I gotta go Pete. Keep telling Lee. All right, I'm gonna tell you. Well, Ari has some great stories About him opening for you And when you were talking about the audience

He told a story on his podcast about someone asked to take a picture with you. Yeah. And he made an eye contact with you. And he just didn't get you in the picture and the frame. Yeah. And he said that was the right thing to do. Well, one of the, that was in the days where there were cameras that you didn't have the instant. Let me look at it and see if I need more, which I can't fucking take.

And so the comics at the store knew when they take a picture, I'm not in it. for the most part. Like you might get a shoulder. Right, yeah. You might get an ear. But what was fun is when like the person getting the picture goes, are you pointing the camera? It looks like the camera's a little too high because you might get like the top of

her heads. Right, yeah. You know, like I'd love to see those pictures, you know, because there's thousands of them out there, which is hysterical. Oh, I'm sure there are. And we used to just crack up because it was like it's just, you know, know, ridiculous. I mean, if it was somebody that was really nice and pleasant, I would say it like this, I go, if it was Ari, I go, take a good picture, like a nice picture. Yeah. You know,

but if it was some hard on, some drunken fucking asshole that I got to say, get your hands off me, you know what I mean? Because they get very touchy, you know, you know, they'd get, you know, I'd just look at them like, you know, like I'd look up at the sky or something. And that's what the picture would be, you know, like the moon, you know. And it's just like a game you play. Just a little game with the other comics. That's so funny. I love

all that stuff. And that's also when I started filming, you know, everything, you know, with the comics and I'd call it the show and I'd come to the store with my fucking camera and everybody had a part. Like, Ari was the

antagonist. He's the one whoever, you know, this was a whole new group of It's when you started. You might have been there a couple years before. Before 97. Okay. So, you know, but it was Ari and Renisezi and Maz. Maz Jabrani was the foreign comic.

You know, Mike Marino, for whatever reason, we called the Russian, you know, which is hysterical. Steve Simone was misery, you know, always in a bit. But, like, you'd see, like, Ari talked. looking like James Painter, let's say, and going, what are you, what are you talking to dice for? You know, you know, and he goes, you know, dice is, you know, I want to open for him. He goes, no, no, no, he's no way.

He's done. You know, like Ari was always that guy. But he's also that guy in reality. You know how he is. He badmouse everybody. You know, like there's a scene I got where Ari's talking to Sebastian. And Sebastian's going, what's dice doing with the camera, you know,

around the car? And Ari's like, well, You know, he's just, he's looking for something to do. You know what I mean? You know, and what I'm going to do, I'm going to put the whole fucking thing up on my YouTube channel now. And did you direct this or did you just let it? Yeah, no, I directed it.

Oh, the first scene with, with Mazz Gibrani is hysterical. Because he's like walking in the back parking lot, you know. And I'm in my leather, whatever. I'm smoking, you know. And I go, hey, you know. And he's going, can I help you? And I go, yeah, I hear you're like from the middle or something. And he goes, the Middle East.

Yeah, well, I'm from Brooklyn. And he goes, I might be coming there. And I'm like, oh, yeah, and I'll be waiting. and that's like his first scene into the series that never add on anything it was the unknown series it's hysterical but everybody waited to film every night

that's why I became friendly with Rogan because he would ask me like what are you doing you're kicking waitresses out of the kitchen I go they're in my shot you know he goes what show is this I go it's just the show

you know and he's like did you change all those lights I go yeah I had to give it a mood I go it was very stark lighting you know because the whole kitchen's red you know I go red and green

those are good colors for filming you know or blue you know yeah I changed all the fucking bulbs this is during comedy store I come up behind the guy in the original room it was perfect because I didn't know he's this fucking ugly and Dave Taylor

is on stage and I come in, I got the camera, so I'm seeing Taylor in the back of this guy's head, and I'm going, hey, hey, asshole face. I'm whispering, you know. And there's no reason. I go, asshole face. Because I just wanted to call that to somebody, you know. And this ugly motherfucker,

ugly never wins in this world. I got to tell you. One of the ugliest guys I ever fucking saw it was perfect. because when he turned around, I'm like, he really does have a face like a fucking asshole. And I go, you want to come with me a minute? You know, and I take him outside, and I get him on film, okaying.

I go, this is for my TV show. You know, so you've got to say your name and that it's okay to use the footage because you're part of the show now. He's an audience member. The guy paid to come into the comedy store. And I'm treating the whole comedy store like it's my set. You know, and it went on for months and months.

my son Dylan, who was nine, tells off Ari while they're playing that stupid game up in the office. What is that game? Foozball. Foozball, whatever to fuck that. People waste their life on it. So, you know, Ari's playing with Dylan. Dylan's nine years old, you know. And Ari's like, you know, I don't think your dad's funny.

You know, he's playing the game. And Dylan's like, what was that? You know? And he goes, I said, I don't think your dad is funny. funny, you know, and Dylan just goes, do you ever play the forum? You know, like just asking them questions. Did you ever do the Mecca in Milwaukee? You know, and Ari's like, what?

He goes, have you ever, you know, done multiple nights? Like Dylan knew a bunch of fucking shit. And he's burying this man, you know. And Ari's looking at him going, you know, I work, you know. And Dylan just throws like giant fucking things I did. And then the next scene is I grab Ari by his throat in the kitchen because he took a piece of pizza that I went out to get Eleanor after she screamed at me that I couldn't find her a chicken sandwich.

Because I was going with her at the time. You know? You know, and while she's screaming at me, a whole lot of love is on in the background. And you see different comics walking and stopping like Sebastian, you know, bewildered, comes walking into the kitchen. Like, what the fuck is going?

Renicee, puts down boxes to see that I'm getting late. And then it cuts to Mike Marino, you know, going, he's on the phone, and he goes, I got to go. Because he's the Russian. And that's the end of the scene.

So by the time I got the pizza, you know, I was just done. So when I already took a piece, I just grabbed him by the throat and slam him against the wall. And go, put the fucking pizza down. It's not your pizza. Because he's a pizza thief.

So 32 years ago, 1988, did you think you'd still be here 32 years later doing stand-up? And you were doing those arenas. What the fuck was born? You're like, when is this going to end? When is this madness going to end? Does it ever end? Well, I did.

I remember being, like, we were doing, I think it was the, I called it to the Max when Max was born, you know, and it was a tour. Like I had to come up with all these names, a tour. And I go, I'm good for this till about 40. That's how I looked at it. Like to do those kinds of things, then I didn't know what I wanted to do, you know. And I was only like 32 at the time, something like that. You know, it was just a lot, you know.

and I'm going like this kind of energy, like to just keep blowing this kind of energy out. But, you know, I knew I would do the stand-up. I didn't know how I'd feel about it, but I would be interviewed like that. People would go, where do you see yourself five years from now, 10 years ago, 10 years from now? And I would talk about probably more movies.

You know, that was more of the going to be the stepping stone of what I wanted to do. but, you know, I went through a lot of blackballing because of the controversy of Dice. All the stuff that the comics are dealing with today, I went through alone. You know, I was the only guy getting attacked for my language and my subject matter, you know,

and the only one that, you know, ever stood up for me was Eddie Murphy, you know? Every comics I knew, that's why I say there's no fucking friends. I'd see him on morning shows, bad-mouthing me. I'm buddies with this motherfucker. You know, it was unbelievable to see all that go on, but it wasn't going on to the country. It was going on to me.

It was an attack on me. And I would just get angrier, and then I would get nastier on stage. You know, like my gay material back then was just funny jokes. But as the media kept attacking, I'm like, well, I'll just give them what they want now. You know, and that's where I came up with, you know, You know, like the jokes were funny because I would talk about, I don't even do it anymore.

Like, what was the gay jokes? Well, the trans, like I talk about the transgender thing today. I go, but years ago, I called them trans testicles. You know, you meet the girl. I said I would talk about the gays and the buys and, oh, bisexual, you either suck dick or you don't suck dick. What do you do? wake up in the morning, flip a coin, heads I want, half-by tails, balls across the nose. And then you got these other things, they go, these trans testicles, you know, what's this?

You meet the girl of your dreams, you whiner, diner, take a home, you put your hand up a skirt, you're holding a tree trunk, you know. So back then, the half chick wasn't popular, you know, like nobody even knew what the fuck it was. So I would get, so people would come after me for that, you know, so. now I do a whole bit with, you know, of course, of Caitlin and that whole thing. And I go, but when I discussed this years ago, you know, I was just looked at like, what the fuck is this? You know, but I saw it all coming, you know, and I was just under constant attack. So then I added on, I go, and then, you know, when they get the AIDS thing, you know, they can't figure out

where it came from. Because now I'm angry at the process. Now I'm going to do nasty stuff because the trans testicle, the bisexual, it's all fun bullshit jokes. But now I go, so then they get the AIDS. Oh, I can't figure out how I got to. What do you mean you can't figure it out? You're walking around with shit on your dick.

You're bound to pick something up. You know, and that's when the media would go fucking berserk on me because AIDS was just happening and, you know, and I'm like, hey, you're going to fucking come after me. like this. I'm not going to show you any side of Andrew. It's all dice now. Fuck you's all. How did Eddie stick up for you?

Oh, Eddie came out on Arsenio and said, I don't care what anybody says about him. He's the funniest guy there is. I'm going to see him at the forum. You know, it was pretty amazing because he also pulled, Eddie used to come over to me. See, I'm glad what's

happening for him now, you know, because he's the greatest, you know, from movie star to comic, just the greatest. I'm driving down over Laurel Canyon, like going towards Melrose, and Trini's with me, and she goes, that's Eddie Murphy yelling. He was in a little Mercedes

sports car, convertible, and I'm in a 1970 Cadillac convertible, which you would love, you know, and he's going, pull over, pull over, and I pull on a side street, and there's a million cars coming, you know, it was great, like that would have made a great picture, you know, Yeah. And she's sitting in the car and then he gets out going,

don't you let them fuck with you. Don't you let them fuck? Because he used to come over to me at the comedy store. He'd come there with 20 guys when he was, you know, working on his stuff, you know. And he'd walk away from his entourage. He just dug me, you know, and what I do. And then when I took off, it baffled him. You know, like he even said to me, he goes,

how do you draw 20,000 people? night because it just wasn't something comics did and he's about as big as it would get he did like if he did the garden he did like his concert in the it was called the paramount at the time it's it's six thousand seats calling did a concert there did a special there i did the go i did the sports arena i didn't do the the small room which was amazing to do that room but comics weren't thinking oh i'll go into the big room you know i'll go into the basketball arena so he goes how do you 20,000 seats a night. I go, what do your movies make, you know, $400 million? I'll switch. I'll switch any day you want, you know, because he was amazing to me, you know, and still is. Like, I love what I would call his resurgence now.

Because we all know Eddie Murphy doesn't need money, but if you're in this business, you like to be relevant, you know? And like, to me, that was even the thing when I took Roseanne out with me. It's like, she never has to work again as far as money goes. But what they did to her, I felt, was just wrong what the network did. And she just wants to feel relevant. So that's why I started doing some shows with her. That's what that was about. Did you watch the Dolomite?

Yeah. I watched half of it. And I love it. I love it. It was just, you know, my house is like an after hours club. My sons are up like all night. And we started watching the Dolomite at two. 30 in the morning. So, you know, at about 3.30, I'm tired. So I want to, you know, go up,

you know, and get stoned out and whatever, you know. Do you think Eddie will make a comeback? It's done. It's not even, you know what? If I think he's one of the greats of all time, I can't see, I mean, he won't do that special until it's ready, you know, but it's something I'm looking forward to. I think he's... But Andrew, how are you going to get really? ready if you don't go out. How are you going to get ready? You can't do stand up in front of the mirror. I could get Andrew,

Chris Rock, Louis C.K. And fucking Nick DePaolo and give you each 200 grand and give me 15 minutes of material. If I don't get up on stage and work that material, it's not going to work.

Oh, you're talking about Eddie? Yeah. He's got to work out. He's got a word. I don't care what writers you get. He's training. Where? The gym. I don't know what he's got in his house.

No, no. I'm talking about stand-up part. Oh, the stand-up part. Getting in front of fucking people. How do you know what he's doing? Because I would be at the store if I was him. I don't know where he is. I don't know what he's doing.

The minute Eddie Murphy pops on the stage, it's going to be on the front cover of Yahoo. With Eddie and a microphone. You're right. Whether it's a comedy store, the laugh factory, the improv, Bubba's Comedy House, the black comedy club by the airport. Okay. If all these great writers got together and wrote him an hour, you got to practice. You got to work. Did he say he's not going to practice?

I haven't seen him. Oh, okay. So I'm saying to myself, listen, I'm here because of him and you. I'm here because of him and you. I don't think you could just. I wouldn't I wouldn't If you gave me

$70 million for a special I gotta fucking give you the best I can Well I talked about it I think that You know Just knowing who he is I'd want Like you could take the money

And run type of thing But I don't think that's what it's about I think it's about what I was talking about The relevance absolutely You know Because you know I've talked to him about like Even when he does like

a rant in a movie. Like how fast he would like deliver his dialogue, everything from 48 hours to, you know, even when he put, you know, the movie he did with Owen Wilson where he plays the fighter, like his monologues, I would ask him like, how do you do that? You know, is it written? Is it ad lib shit? And he goes, you know, you're an actor. I go, no, but it's your tempo. Like you lay out like 10 pages in a minute. You know, it's different than knowing like a paragraph and then someone. It's different when it's these monologue.

He's one of the greats. He's just one of the greats. I think he'll deliver. No matter where he gets it ready, I think he'll deliver. Oh, no, no. I think he'll deliver, but he's got to get ready. When I asked you about no pressure and pressure

comedy is this, I shot two specials, and I hated the journey on both of them. Yeah, well, that's going to happen. I hated, looking back at it now, I fucking hated the whole thing. When I did the Netflix thing, when I got off that stage, I said, something's got to change. I don't like this. And I came home and I made a point, I'm 55 years old.

You can't take nothing away from me now. I'm going for it. I don't want to shoot a Netflix special. I don't want to shoot an HBO special. I don't want to do nothing. I just want to fucking do stand. people get mad at me why don't you add shows

why don't you sell t-shirts because it's a law diminishing returns I don't want to worry about a fucking extra large nothing barbbs me more when I ask Andrew how is your weekend in Connecticut and you look at me and go

make sure you go up there you're going to sell a lot of merch so wait a second you did five fucking shows and you're going to talk to me about merch I want you to talk to me about your stand-up experience. So I found too many comics were worried about merch. Always. And it fucking pisses me the fuck off. You want to know something? When I go into a city, I don't want to do your podcast. I'm telling you right now, you're not going to get me to do your podcast. Because when I get on a plane,

I get on a plane to do stand-up. I have a great fucking time doing stand-up. Well, I will tell you, like, even the gigs I'm going to do. I don't bring t-shirts. I mean, I know the stand- making up shirts to sell whatever. And that's okay, because I'll wear it on stage, you know. But I'm not, I don't, I never really cared with the merch. You know what I mean? It doesn't really matter to me. My wife sells that.

She sends out of mine. That's great. I'm not bringing merch on me. There are so many. I hate the word merch. I don't like any of it. When the comic comes up to me and says, I got to meet the people.

Yeah. That goes back to meeting the people. And it's, I don't, if I did sell merch to you, if I sell merch to you, if I sell merch look at this when you hit in 88 it was a different system no i had a day that was it was all just a deal but no no but you hit on word of fucking mouth you and i had this discussion now when you read for crime story he called you when you were at west orange at rascals that you had read and you did it backwards and he called you 10 months later and you hit and all this shit it was fucking tremendous. And that's why

from then when I started going into auditions, I knew they had the camera on and you told me, just let the camera go and do shit. So that's how I started booking stuff. Because you told me to start booking shit. But what I'm saying... Yeah, because everybody's going to read the same lines. You got to give them something

a little, that a director goes, oh, I could direct this guy. You know what I mean? So they watched Young Crime Story. They saw the special you taped from Philly. There was no internet. There was no nothing. Today, this starts with a tweet, Facebook, Instagram, a podcast. The completion of the circle is them coming to see you and then buying a shirt.

You're shaking that. That's the completion of the circle. I love to do that circle. I love to do that circle. Other than the T-shirt. Except I don't want to sell T-shirts. I don't mind going out. When I'm done with a show, I like to sit at, because I'm burnt, you know.

I'm burnt. That's what I'm trying to tell you. You just want to fall on the couch. You know, the agents want to call you at a show. You know what? That second show, they're not going to get me. Well, you know what? I won't do two shows anymore a night.

I do, even in a club. But I did add a second one. You know, I'm very close with the owner of governors, James. So, you know, I just got a text that, you know, it's gone. All the tickets are gone. It's only like, what can it be? Close to 600 tickets, you know. So I said, you want to.

Because he asked what I do another one the next night. I just don't want to decide. I said, you know what? Just add it the Saturday night. I'll do it. But other than that, it's all one show a night, wherever I'm going. I want them to get the most, the best of me. Exactly.

I'm 56 years old. But that's one show. I'm not 34 no more. I can't do it. You got it. I can't do it. How many did I ask you to do? Oh, they asked me to add, like, last weekend.

They wanted me to add one in Boston. And I told Blumen rights, no. Yeah, I just, I told, I did two at Town Hall. And I'm doing one at fucking... Where was that? Is that where I went to? Chevalier. So, you know what?

I don't like doing two and two. I'm going to be tired. It's a three-hour train ride. It's a three-hour train ride on Saturday. Plus, I got my family in New York. I got to talk to my nieces, my nephews. They're all coming. So when I get into Boston, it's four in the afternoon.

My show is at seven. Yeah. Those 9.30 people will get shit. I don't want to give them shit, so I didn't have a show. I didn't have a show. I'm an econ major. I'm a law of diminishing returns. You could just put so much in.

Next year, I'm not going to do Thursdays. I'm leaving at five at night, get into your town of 11, 12, eat something, smoke some dope. Get up and do four shows and get the fuck out of you. Yeah, see even four sounds like a lot to me. Two and two or maybe one and one. Yeah, I like the one and I. Three nights is pretty good fun. I don't like...

One show a night. I like Thursday night off so I could eat. I could go see the town. Sometimes, you know, it's a good schedule? Sometimes you do a Wednesday, take Thursday off and do Friday, Saturday. Just one show a night? Yeah, but that's four nights without my daughter. Can't do it no more.

Oh, I see what you're saying. I see. So you do three in a row. Yeah. So I like Thursday, Friday, Friday, like I'm doing Tempe. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. But everything else is just Friday. Have you been there yet?

I'm going there in... Tempe, Arizona? Yeah, I'm going there, I think, in January. The improv? One of Joel's rooms? Yeah, phenomenal. I love Tempe's one of my favorite room. Okay.

20 years. They try to switch me to Phoenix. I don't want to go to Phoenix. Leave me a fucking Tempe. You know, the new one. It's the newer one. The new one is Phoenix. I don't know where I'm going.

That stand-up live. That's 600 seats. I like it. It's a great room. It's a little bit too big for my taste. You follow them? Yeah. It's a little bit too big.

Uh-huh. Me and Ari's sold it out. I could sell it out. That's not the prompt. I like the 10 p.m. Prod. How many seats? Three something.

Okay. Yeah, that's a great size room. A little smaller. You know, the agents always want money. Everybody's looking for money. I want them to have a good experience. The money will come. The money will come.

If I keep giving them good experiences, the money will always be there. Yeah. You're supposed to run the career that you want to have. You know, that's why when you ask. like what I want to do, you know, I'm going, yeah, I would do a doc slash concert, but in a club. You know, and anybody that comes to me, that's why I tell them, I go, I go, it's part of the doc. The last half hour is part of a club set, you know, I go, that's how I would do it. I go, that's the only thing like I'd want to do.

If I shoot anything, I'm doing a 25-minute set in the main room, put it on YouTube. See? That's it. I love, I have become, you know, I was Mitzie's host for all of them. those years and I used to listen to her. She used to say little things to me. 60% of the shit was fucking out of this world. Frazierness.

You know, put on a Fidel beard and a handcuff. Oh, yeah. You know, she loved that shit. You just had to avoid her. But she'd tell you something once a month. And after she died and after what happened in Vegas with Netflix, I just decided I'd just go to the store now.

Well, what happened with the Netflix? I just didn't do what I was wanted to do. I was working out. wrong places. I should have been at the store because metal sharpens metal. I didn't want people to see the material. You know, I got into my head. I watched John Mullaney special. All of a sudden, I'm thinking I should be John Mullaney and be clean. I want to give something. You went through this. I went through this whole thing for no reason. And I got on that plane from Vegas and I changed everything around. And you ask Illinois at the store now, whatever comes

out of my mouth comes out of my mouth. I could care less. So did Netflix give you pressure to clean it up? Was that? No, no, not at all. Netflix did. Netflix was great all the way through. It was me. It was a faulty wiring. You can't be anything but you.

That's what it's supposed to be. That's what I didn't do. And now what I don't even, I never watched that full special. I watched like the first eight minutes when it came on on Netflix, I shut it off and I swore that that person would never come back again. When I go up there now, I'm a bolt of fucking lightning.

I don't give a fuck what comes out of my room. See, and I like the original room. No, no, I love the original room. That's my room. But there's so much action now in the main room that I've gotten good in the main room. Yeah. I just, to me, that's like doing a concert with the main room.

The main room is like, it's big. You got to be big. Nope, but I'd rather be. But it's training. It also trained me for theaters. You know, I'm a lot better in theaters. I'm an original room guy. I'll live and die.

When I get, my wake is at the original room. All right. Okay, there's no veneery funeral. Why do we got to go to the morbid stuff? Because it's the truth. I want to be buried under the fucking stage at the original room. All right. Like, you know what I'm saying?

Wait a minute. I think we got a guest. We got a guest. We got the other podcast to come in. Oh, get in here. Who did she want to meet? Look, who's this cute little girl? This is my daughter.

and you put that thing away. Oh, yeah. No, because I got her something. Okay. I got her something. That's right. Look what he got. I never, I never share my candy because I love candy.

What's your name? Mercy. Mercy? How old are you? Six and a half? Six and a half. Oh, almost seven. Look at you.

You look like you just, what kind of class were you just out? Here, come closer, so, you know. Me, Mercy. Yeah, so you can tell you. other people. So I, my class was just movie tie

and it's called Team Bullie Busters. It's like, like, we don't really earn belts because it's not rarely dare to sink.

But they teach you like to keep bullies away, right? Yeah. Show, my mom will put the target up. Kick him in the arm. Kick in the other.

Kick it with the right foot. Holy mackerel. Six years old and you could do that? I'm practicing for one year. I, sir, I wouldn't mess with you. I might hire you to be a bodyguard, though.

All right, that's it. Mercy, count down. Doesn't it make you jealous that she's not out of breath? It's amazing. Well, for that little display, you win the award of a giant

Tutsi roll. Does that sound good? Yeah. There you go. Thank you. That's real. Say thank you, Uncle Andrew. Thank you, Uncle.

Now, where do you know Uncle Andrew from? A Star is born. Come on out. A Star is Born. Is he your favorite in the Stars Born? Uh-huh. I can't believe that. There's one of the songs that I know called Stallander.

I remember that song. You like that song? Uh-huh. You like Lady Gaga and Bradley? Yep. But he was your favorite, right? That's funny to me. What made you the favorite?

Why am I the favorite? Like, because when my parents just said that you actually were my uncle, and I just made me like was my favorite character. Wow. Well, it's so great to me. I'm glad you came over here. No problem. Yeah, I always said gloves.

No problem? Is that what you just said? That's hysterical. You know. And how are you doing? I haven't seen you forever. I know. Amazing.

You look great, by the way. Yeah, I know your parents for a long time. Long time. Oh. Like we, you know, I was like, I think nine years old when I met your dad. Wow. No, not. No, I wasn't that young.

I wasn't that young. But for a long time, 30 years around that. You know what I mean? Yeah. When my hair was. black, but like for real. Okay. Remember what I showed you his stand-up?

He did the nursery rind? The nursery rye. I can't believe he let you watch that. I can't believe he was. No, but you know what? I, you know what agents are, of course, of your dad and everything. So my agent, when I met his son, he was only five years old, and he had all of those memorized. like and my agent was going go ahead do another one you know do another one and and what was funny is at at his bar mitzvitz with this kid's Jared offer is his name I made a tape where I'm wearing the dice rules jacket and I thank Jared for the bit that put me over the top and then you see him in my kitchen because I'd film everything doing the poems at five years old like almost like he's teaching me the poems, you know, and now he's 35 years old.

Yeah. And there's your jacket. She does a podcast on Tuesdays, Andrew. It's called Science with Mercy. And this week we did turtles. You're very smart girl. I could see pretty. Yeah, you got to know all that bully stuff.

Keep all the guys away for, you know, want to grow up first. Just keep learning that. You're really good with that stuff. Thanks. No, the kicks, everything. You got to protect your father. I know what I mean? So like I started with some other class, but it was on Tuesday.

I always had to wear my swim food on there. So you do a lot of different classes. Yeah. So the swimming, there's the jujitsu. Uh-huh. What else? What else you like to do? I do violin class.

Violin. You were to play? How long you've been playing violin? Kindergarten? Yeah. Wow. I have a fire class, and I still have a lot of something between, too. So cute.

So, she's the cutest thing. This is what happens. I can't even believe it. We'll have to, you know, we'll have to take a picture, so you'll have a picture. You know, you let your mom. You got your phone? We'll take some. Yeah, we got it.

With the microphone, the whole showbiz thing. Okay. Right? Come on in here. Come on here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a podcast history. But she's so amazing. She's been dying to do this.

You have no idea. I didn't realize this. You better do. You better. You better. You know Eleanor? You know Eleanor? She knows of Eleanor.

Oh, she knows of. Yeah. TikTok goes to class. So you're at the stand tomorrow night. I'm at the stand tomorrow. I'm at the stand on the 17th and 18. Tickets are on sale. We added a show at Governors on the 14th.

Where else? I'm going to play over there. Florida. You know, what about Florida? You're in there. Why do you keep bringing? I'm sorry. I'm Jewish.

I have to bring him Florida. Well, that's just, you know, Florida happened. Okay. See, you don't know what you're doing. You shouldn't let Mercy talk again. Speaking of play, I also was in the play called Alice in Wonderland. Alice in Wonderland.

Did you see the movie is on... On Disney Plus? Well, I think it's also on HBO now. She just watched both of them. She just watched the new one with... Yeah, like the newest version of it. Right. When the MadHudder's been to

like to dance And also, they're going to find with the big head. She's so great. Johnny Depp did the one. We watched that one the other night. And also I watched. You like Johnny Depp? Uh-huh.

I know him. Do you know that? I know him. If I see him, I'll tell him you're a fan of his. You like that I do? Who else do you like? I'll tell you if I know them. Who's that?

Tell him. She's got to change her name. And Lady Gaga? Lady Gaga, right? My favorite band, actually was in a Disney movie, too. And they're the Jonas Brothers. Oh, okay. And they're playing next week at the forum.

You're taking her? She asks, but I can't take it to the forum. They're animals down there. I'll do it when I'm just a teenager again. She's so great. I'll do it when I'm a teenager. Oh, she's ready to go. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She's just, she's full of personality to sit. You're amazing, really. Yeah. You know, all right, you got good parents. They're teaching you the right things. You know, my parents only taught me to wear the fingerless gloves, you know.

They said, and you've got to live in warm weather if you're going to wear singaless gloves. But that was something you said that, again, I took your lead. What? What, handshaking? No, no, you were talking about how you took a breather because you wanted to raise your kids. And I think that- Yeah, I have two sons. A lot of people in Hollywood, and we've known a lot of them have kids as comedians. And you see the kids 20 years late, and the kids are jacked up.

They're messed up. You know what's going on? I didn't want that to happen. If you don't bring your kids up or teach them, you know, what you do in life, that's how I really look at that. No, that's what I do. That's why I bring it here. To this day. You know, you got, the parenting never ends.

Never ends. You know. I worked two weeks a month for that, Andrew, to be home with her. Yeah, you see that? You got a good daddy. You really do. She's so cute. He told me everything that he, when he was a young boy.

Yeah, come to, come close to get, so you can talk to the people. So he told me everything about his life. So when he was playing ball in the house. and his mom always told him not to do it, but he kept doing it and he had to take his door to a person that was a young boy that was actually homeless. And instead of keeping it as money.

And I remember that he actually loves Allison Chains. Alice and Chains, they're great. I have that on my phone. Do you like them? Yep. I like that. I like down in the hole. Whoa.

Oh, yeah, she likes down in the hall. It's my girl. I have them on my phone. You do? Who else? Who else do you like? I also like... Crazy train?

Crazy train, yeah. Ozzy Osbourne? Uh-huh. And, of course, scorpions, yes. I would say... Hmm. Scorpions? Yeah.

Wow. Well, next time... His boys have a rehearsal, maybe we'll take you. Also, jungle. Welcome to the jungle. That's right, guns and roses. My boys are a rock band. My sons.

Wow. Yeah. So maybe you go see him rehearsing. And they're called No One Cares. Wow. So you tell your father, get some of that music for you. You'll like it. Okay.

Yeah. Well, this was a very family fun, orientated podcast. This is the Christmas dice. Think of the first part of this. podcast. Like how nutty? It's like very time being on TV or something like that.

See, once I just do it on my dog's phone. You see that? Here, stand in me. Say, wave to your fans. You see? I hope my friends are watching this. Please, Nikita, please watch this. Nakeda is one of our friends from the second. All right.

So now, honey, let me wrap this up, my little angel of love it. This was great. I'm glad we were able to get together. Thank you. The holiday podcast. This is it, the holiday, Dice's holiday podcast. This is the name. That's the podcast of the universe.

Thank you. This is the family win. I'm also in it. I'm saying. I love you. Same. I'm definitely going to do that jitzy with you. Okay.

So, please. So Tuesday, tomorrow night, you're at the stand. Tomorrow night. Next week, you're at the stand. Next week again. I keep looking at the day, 17th and 18. You know, and then the rest is like gone, you know, everything's gone, you know. Well, I hope you come on in six months.

Thank you for always, thank you for always being a, thank you for always being a great mentor. Thank you. I have followed your footsteps and. And you're doing amazing. And I'm just happy that you're still around. I love you with all my heart, brother. Thank you. Tomorrow night to stand.

Next week to stand, I'm at the Ice House, the 21st for Christmas with Uncle Joe. Joey and then Calusa, the 27th and San Francisco Performing Arts Center, I think, on the 28th. Go on the website. Without that, I'll see you, Savages Wednesday. I want to thank the legend, the heavyweight king of undisputed king of comedy, Andrew Dice Clay. I want to thank Mercy Diaz. I want to thank the Christ Killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for supporting and the whole thing.

I'll see you guys Wednesday. stay black. And now for a word from our sponsors. All right, I want to thank Dice. I want to thank my daughter Mercy for crashing the show and my wife. And I want to thank you guys. But before that, I want to talk to you about a few things.

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next Monday. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. Watch the Irishman first on Netflix before you listen to the podcast. 13 million people can't be wrong. The movie's tremendous. Search for behind the Irishman on Apple products, Apple podcast, Spotify, Stitcher, Pocketcast, or wherever else you listen to podcast. Watch the movie, then go behind the Irishman. The church is also brought to you by, listen. There's the best Christmas present you give a man, all right? You ladies are sitting there. What am I going to give my boyfriend? What am I going to give my husband?

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