The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #743 - Dan Soder

Episode Date: December 12, 2019

Dan Soder, a comedian, actor seen on "Billions," and heard as the co host of "The Bonfire" on Sirius XM, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Dan's new HBO special, "Son of a Gary" came out this past weekend and is available now on HBO GO and HBO NOW. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Stance Socks - Stance has all styles of socks in tons of amazing designs including MLB, Star Wars and Quentin Tarantino. Go to www.stance.com/church and you'll get a free pair of socks with any purchase. 

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This is it right here If this don't get you jumping out of window Nothing will go back for the rehab I'm clevering Dan Soda The Christ Killer Your uncle Joey Diaz The back bitches

The album just makes you want to do Everyone that's same Dan Soda what's the story Dude I think with the right music and you beside me in a car you could talk me in a rob in a bank. Oh, please. If we had the right playlist

and you were in my ear. I love all this shit. But you would just be like, do you want to go get that? I'd be like, we're just, this first federal is about to catch this. Oh, they're done. And I got the voice.

That's what I used to do. Really? Before I did anything evil, yeah. I'd get in the car and blast some fucking music and get fired up. Yeah. Sabbath, bloody Sabbath.

I want revenge. I want blood. I'd walk around and I'd crawl in through a window, take your Coke, can leave. Spotify should give playlists to incarcerated people just in what they

hyped up on. Can you imagine seeing those things? And you're like, this got me to murder a family of four. You're like, oh man,

look at that playlist. It's fucking crazy. Yeah. When Charles Manson killed you said, yeah, he could do a Spotify playlist.

What's happening, brother? Dude, thanks for having me, man. It's nice to finally, I'm a fan, so it's nice to be you.

No, I'm a fan of yours. It's funny. You have a great resume. You did The stand-ups on Netflix. Yeah. You've been with Comedy Central.

But it's so weird. When you got into comedy any time before 2000, your goal was ultimately HBO. And then it just went away. Yeah. They started putting on George Klein and all these older comics that, yeah, they're interesting, but they really weren't relevant and nobody wanted to see them. Yeah. And I appreciate what HBO was doing.

but it wasn't getting nowhere. Netflix came along and stole the show. HBO sat there with their dick in their hand. They don't know what the fuck to do. You know, we all grew up on HBO. Yeah, absolutely. HBO was the epitome. I did not want to be on Showtime.

Okay? That was in the beginning. HBO was the first draft. HBO was the first draft. And then somewhere along the line, like in anything in life, you know, something new popped up hot, which we all appreciate Netflix is doing a great job. It's good for all.

It's good for comics. It's booming because of Netflix. But now HBO's saying, you know what? I think we're going to regain what was once ours now. Yeah. It's free game now. I think we're going to do something different with specials, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I congratulate you on that.

Thanks. You got to the top floor of the specials. I mean, you did Comedy Central Netflix. Yeah, getting the... And I'm not putting Netflix down all Comedy Central. No, I'm just saying that, you know, Central started in 91. When Comedy Central started, you know, one of the first shows they had that was big was politically incorrect. Yeah.

Which later moved on to ABC, which is now real time with Bill Maher. A lot of people don't know that. Yeah, growing up Comedy Central, I think like I'm one of the first generation of kids that grew up with first cable. But then you had Comedy Central. Ninety-one, I was eight years old and I was able to watch a bunch of comedy that, you know, I would have never had access to before Comedy Central. But HBO was still the thing where you got the free weekend You would try to tape whatever specials you could and watch it And I remember being a kid and seeing like those half hours

Like Chappelle's half hour Patton Oswald's half hour from the mid 90s And you'd see all those and be like man this is the shit HBO is because you knew they were unedited Comedy Central was still cable So then even Chappelle's killing them softly and all those kind of specials You know both rocks Getting one was like oh fuck It was great but there was like also like this

pressure. It was bigger and blacker, HBO? Yeah, both bigger and blacker and bring the pain. Because I never had HBO. And HBO for me was like a hotel on vacation. It was like a big thing. Like, oh, snap, we got HBO. Like, they're swearing in these specials.

Yeah. Like, it was a big deal. You'll find out what year HBO started. It had to be, if I had to take a guess, I say 73, 74. Yeah. I still, my friends talking about a movie called Group. Tube. Yeah.

Okay. And it was the either the lead-up to a film called Kentucky Fried Chicken Kentucky Fried Film or vice versa. 72. 72.

It was the whole cast of Saturday Night Live before Saturday Night Live. Yeah. We chased John Candy. See who the cast was? Of the SNL and 72?

No. No, it's Kentucky Fried. Oh, sorry. Of Groove Tube. Groove tube. Sorry. If you look. So this is basically like,

you're like seeing like a mixed tape of comedy. No, this was not stand-up. Yeah, but I'm saying like of improv people that are going to go on to be SNL. Right. This is,

this was brilliantly done. Who was the cast? Ken Shapiro. Richard Bellzer, who we just talked about, Chevy Chase, Buzzy Linhart, who I've never heard of,

Richmond Bayer, Berkeley Harris. All these, things were you going to bell? No, but they were like improv people that were well known. And, you know, it's just sketches. Like Kentucky Fried movie was a sketch. They were in a courtroom and fucking all of a sudden the attorney takes, opens a briefcase up and takes a dick out and puts it on his head. And he starts saying, we're off another planet and all this year. When you're 12 and you stop a joint between 18 kids. Yeah. It's hysterical. Yeah.

There's another scene of three black guys playing dice, and a white guy walks up, puts a construction helmet on, and he looks with all three guys, and he goes, niggers, and he runs, and they chase him. And then it shows, you know. But the moral of the story is Kentucky Fried movie, 72. You said? Well, HBO started in 74. So I was 11.

I was correct. And that's funny. Yeah, SNL started in 75. I was dying to see a tip. Oh, yeah. Okay. The word on the street was, Groot Tube had a scene where a guy chased a naked woman,

but it was on HBO. Again, nobody had HBO. No one had HBO. It's brand new. I still remember sitting my mom down, Cuban mom. I'm like breaking it down for how I needed HBO for school. You know, because they don't know. They're watching Telemundo.

You pushed a subscription to a pay channel for a titty. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's brilliant. Let me talk you about this. That's big thinking. It had to be like 1495s. My mom goes, we'll do it on one condition. We split it.

I was like, fine. So there was a box. You had to get boxes in those. Yeah. It was a box with a switch. And it was like one to 14, 14 to 28, 28 to whatever. And those were the channels. Yeah.

And then there were porno channels Lee on like 56, but they were come and slanted. Yeah. Scramble and come and scramble. And then you had to scramble the button and you'd catch like the pussy. you'd start jerking off, then it would go away. Yeah, if you're just going to get glimpses of it. But I still remember putting my mother together for HBO, her going out, the groove tube being on,

and me sitting there, underwear off, ready to bang this motherfucker out to the fucking groove. What a space shuttle. And it was just a scene. Yeah. Did you, and there was no way like now there's DVR, now you can rewind TV, but then you had to almost. That's it.

It was timing. It was all timing. Timing. There was no DVR. There was no VCR. You couldn't see something and backtrack it. You couldn't see something and be like, let me go back. And now I'm going to jerk off to it.

You're like, I have to get ready to jerk off to this exact moment. Like Woman in Red. Yeah. Woman in Red with the chick, the hot chick. She was the one from Weird Science. Oh, the one. Yeah, Kelly LaBrock was awesome. Kelly LaBrock was pure heat.

Yeah. Weird Science was a movie that I could jump. Oh, weird science. She's beautiful. The one she did when she married, poor Stevenson. Yeah, yeah. Steven Seagal ruined her fucking career that he was. She was fucking beautiful.

But you, I'm the generation of like the VHSs of those. So you would get like the VHS of weird science and then jerk off to the Kelly LeBrock coming out. Of the shower or whatever. And then you're just like, all right. And then eventually come and then chats on the screen and you're like, get the fuck out of here. Well, with me, one time, what's his name, goes to ring her doorbell and she gets out of bed and she's naked. Yeah. And for a split second you see her pussy.

I still remember 1986 freezing that, being so coked up. Yeah. And just like trying to get a heart on it and just freezing and kill the Brock's pussy. Like, you didn't see the clit of nothing. Yeah. A little black bush of hair of her getting out of the window, getting out of bed and looking out the window, and then they don't show it again. I think the first one for me was maybe Titanic with the boob.

That was your first did he? I think so. I don't know. That's the first one I can remember, being like, oh, my God. But the first tit I saw was when I went to see the Godfather. She takes the shirt off. Yeah. On the honeymoon.

Like, my head almost exploded. Like, I was 10. I was like, all right. Now I know why my mom hides those bras. I didn't know what the bra was for now. You didn't realize it was to conceal something great. And she didn't have good Apollonia. Yeah.

Appalurian was hot, though. She was beautiful. Monday Tuesday wins. Monday, Tuesday. But she had, like, you know, she already had a kid tities. Yeah. Like, you know what I'm saying? She already had, like, two Mexican kids.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm like the nipples look through the I-O-D-A-O. She's on the comeback tour for her titty. She was on the comeback tour. So like that was, that was, I just wanted to talk about HBO. Like, yeah, Schwarzenegg. And then my mother kept it.

Just for the rest. Kept it. And, you know, you just started watching stuff. You caught Carlin, a bunch of. Carlin, all that stuff. Like, he did like 10 at HBO? Yeah. He did something crazy.

And that's like, yeah. And then I, then I lost, you know, I lost con. My mom died. Then we got HBO again. Me and my buddy in high school chipped in and got HBO. Yeah. For 200 bucks, you get somebody to connect a pole, and he'd give you everything.

So the dude lived next door to me. Yeah. And he was selling boxes 250, lifetime subscription. I was just getting. Rated X, porn from China, midget porn. What else you got to upgrade? Rapes that happened on the street that people caught with fucking, you know. They had every.

Everything on that. Like, you know, if you want... Argentinian news? Yeah. You get a weird shit. 200 bucks, one-time payment. Yeah. Then after about six months, they put a trap on your box.

Then you would call them and he'd take the trap off. And I still remember the best month... It's weird. I saw Mike Binder last night at the store. Yeah. He's awesome. Mike Binder's the man. Mike Binder is the man.

And he had a movie called Hollywood Nights in 1981. Yeah. And it was... This... HBO only had. It's so weird how I put on TV now and HBO has HBO 9. Yeah.

You know, HBO Latino, HBO dirty comedy, HBO regular comedy, HBO, Ukraine, HBO 1, 2, 3, HBO Trump. Eastern West. Yeah, East and West.

Only audio. When I was growing up, it was fucking HBO. And they had eight movies. I'm hoping they put mine on the original one. Yeah, and they had eight movies. That's it. And every night for a month,

They played those same movies Only in a different order So me and my buddy had a path We would come home at 12 Walk the path mark Shoplift ice cream Like we go What do you have $4?00?

What were the essentials? We'll shoplift the rest Yeah So we would like shoplift like salami And shit like that But we'd buy ice cream And eggs And we go home and make

Like protein shakes And salami sandwiches on white bread And we'd watch The Raging Bull Hollywood Night and thief with James Con. Okay. Every night.

So you just turn it on and you guarantee one of this. One of those movies was going to be on. The movie behind it was going to be thief. And behind that was going to be Hollywood nights. Yeah. It was like three in order. So if you get thief, you're like, all right, we've got Raging Bull next, hopefully. Then H.

Then H. Spiel got dark for a while. Yeah. They started showing a lot of pussy. They had a show. Are you talking about Retro Diaries? They had the Hitchhiker. The Hitchhiker. The Hitchhiker.

I don't remember the Hitchhiker. Hitchhiker was his lonely dude that walked on the road like. Kung Fu. But he didn't know kung fu. He was just a dirty white dude that walked around and the hot white women would fuck him all over. And it was like tities and pushed, but they wouldn't show penetration.

Yeah. But good. It's a lot of him holding her by the lower back. Right. Like all that stuff. Of course. Yeah. And he would fuck her in a car.

Yeah. Or in a tent outside or they would do something along the road. And then she would leave him. And then he would walk in the following episode. Just fuck someone else. Just fuck someone else. Dude, just dicking from town to town. That would come on like a 1230 one on Fridays.

And then they had tales from the crypt. Loved it. Loved it. Tales from something of some little midget. Yeah. The cryptkeeper? Yeah, the cryptkeeper. Just talking all that shit.

And here's another one. Yeah, dude, I love the. That was like, I was kind of the age where I hit puberty right as HBO went titty heavy, like with like Dream On, which was like a comedy show, but they would always show titties. You just knew at one point in the episode. You're like I'm gonna see titties and I was at that age kind of like you were at Where you you're like timing it out. We're like all right dream on dream on let's get ready and then the titty and you're like go but then we had tapes of like

Cinemax movies because Cinemax came along and was like we know what you guys want just a little bit of story and a lot of soft core Yeah, well they just came along like here's this here's a soft core porn Which was the best. Yeah, they started like a 1030. Yeah and you were just like a 1030. Yeah and you were just like Like, because you knew that, because my friend Mitch had the box, had the black box that unscrambled everything. So you'd get the Spice channel, but it was at my friend's house. And that you don't want to just like watch it porn with like seven other 12 year old dudes in a room. You're like, all right, I got to get out of it. Everyone would leave.

Everyone would just get eventually like, I get the fuck out of here. Because everyone wanted to go home and jerk off because you're like watching porn. And now kids just, it's just on their phones. They're just like, oh, like just look at porn. You had to like find it like a truffle pig. You had to look for it. And I'm way older. And all you, my fucking.

I still remember when you had to send the money order for 1995, for four pornoes and a projector. And a projector? Would you have to intercept it? You'd have to take it to somebody's house whose parents worked all day. So the box would land there. And so you'd have to sit down and watch the mailman come. And once he put that box, the word got out. And pornos were not produced.

It was just a camera. with some broken down woman who they dragged into a room. It was just horrible. Porno from the 70s was really the Me Too. That's when women would have said, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. You know, women getting dragged by their hair into a room yelling

and three Puerto Ricans fucking up. Yeah. It was just, it was porn that scared. Yeah, you are. Like as a child. Yeah, if you saw that young enough, it shook you. I remember being in a room. And when the kid, when I did a stress factory,

Yeah. He showed up and he sat in the front row and I go, ladies and gentlemen, if you've got a question about any of my stories, now is the time to ask him. Yeah. And I just started unloading on what him and I saw as a child. Jesus. And I even did it in Miami this week because there was a kid who lived across the street from me. He wasn't there with us that day. But I still remember ordering that porn, getting the box, and six of us chipped in.

Five of us chipped in like $4 a piece. and we fucking, dude, that was someone's like, someone that was an investment with you. And we're waiting, you know, every day that you get the package. Yeah. Look, did you go by there? I was there all day. The mailman didn't come. Well, it's because it would say six to eight weeks.

So would someone mark it in a calendar you to like put it in? Yeah, like we meld on the 13th. There was like a countdown. So we had a countdown going. So once the six weeks came, we were ready to blow. Did you get the porn yet? No. Did you just?

Did you just eventually start jerking off to the idea of the package getting there? Just getting there. And then once we got it, the party was in my attic. We put fucking a sheet up on the wall with it sandwiches. We fucking covered the window with aluminum foil like a crack addict. We put that porn on and we were traumatized. I'm traumatized to the point that I'm not a hooker guy or a strip club guy or anything from what I saw. So if we had a reaction.

I'm telling you the truth. This is not a joke. I think back, you look at my personality. I'm a wild man. Yes, I love pussy and I love everything. But, Lee, eight years, we were going to a strip club, but he hasn't even done. Yeah. Just because of that video.

That video just gave me, like, I don't even watch porn. People send me shit. Yeah. You know, if somebody says to me, this girl was at the store. Yeah. I'll look up her name. If I meet a porn chick. Yeah.

And she tells me her name. I'll look her up or something. But besides that, I don't look up porn. I don't know anything about it. I know there's porn hub and you porn. And was it because of that, like after that video, even as a kid, did you, were you just like, I don't know. I was very Catholic. Yeah, yeah.

You know, I was raised by a single mom that was, she spoke sexual, but I didn't like it. Yeah. And then seeing that fucked me out. How old were you when you saw it? Probably, I got to say 13. Okay. And we had an 11-year-old in the room, and he just started crying. Yeah.

Like, he just started. He just broke down. I mean, that shows you a real, like. And today he's got six kids, so I don't know if it's because of that porn or whatever. Just snapped him in the line. It just snapped you. You guys scared straight with the first. I mean, your first porn thing, here's the thing, even when it's not a terrible situation, even when it's a good, like, I saw probably like a late 80s, early 90s porn for my first porn.

It was still the first hardcore porn you see it. I was maybe around the same age. 13, 14 years old, and you're like, oh, oh, fuck, what the fuck? Because it's so graphic and more hardcore, but then, like, to make it worse, like you see, that could snap you shut. Somebody approached me this week, a publicist, and they wrote me this long note about a client they have. He wants to come on the podcast and talk about, you know, porn addiction in this country. And I looked at it, and I'm like, you know, and how it ties in with human trafficking.

And, you know, I would have had him if he would have cut it short at the porn addiction. Yeah. Because I'd love to learn about that stuff. But I don't want to hear about human traffic on the show. That takes the show somewhere else. Yeah. You know, I like this show because from time to time, even if we get serious, we do crack a few jokes in between.

There's no, you know. You're talking to a guy about human trafficking. You try to crack a joke. I don't want to talk about human traffic. Yeah. You know, every day we drive here in North Hollywood, and you see all these massage parlors. and I can't even think

Like I go to one massage parlor But I take my wife there I took Lee there It's called Ching Moon or something like that And they do foot rubs It's all guys It's legit It's one chick

It's legit But all those other ones on Lancasham They're all tugging hugs Whatever And if you ever go in there Like one Christmas My back hurt And everyone I went into

Like I walked in And I was like You know what Let me make an appointment Because I could tell Just the look they had and the woman look broken You could tell they're human trafficked So you could tell by walking in the door

They would look at you and just be like Fuck here we go Like I gotta fuck this guy for freedom You know what I'm saying? Like oh my god I'll jump off a fucking bridge Do you want to know how sweet that freedom is I'm about to fuck this guy for it It was funny because I watched this documentary

And it's the biggest concentration of them in Houston Really? And I've had friends go to Houston And say oh my God we went to a massage parlor she looked like Lucy Lou. She wanted 300 and she let you fuck her in the end. Oh, Jesus. You know, just crazy. You know, comics.

There's some comics who are fucking savages. Yeah, you find out some guys and you're like, man, you should have been in the 15th century. Oh, yeah, there's some comics that's, that's, listen, there's some comics we, I was always drawn to the drug part of it. The second was sex, you know, the crazy. I was alcohol first. The bump that you bump into on the road.

For some guys, I know. Three comics who blew their lives over their sex addiction But I would never say nothing to I've never said it to them But I'd know that their sex addiction Yeah Cost in their comedy career the same way a drug problem with alcohol or drug problem more Because I think about that because I stopped drinking six years ago and and you think like I have a friend who overeats You know what I mean? It's like 500 pounds and and I think about that and I'm like man, I hope that what a hard thing to stop because the thing that's you got to stop the

thing that you have to do. I don't have to ever drink alcohol. Like sex, if you're a sex addict, you want to have sex again with your wife, so it's weird. You know, it'd be like if, if I had to drink a beer every day, and they'd be like, don't be an alcoholic. That's a weird addiction to think. And I feel like I'm lucky that I don't have it. I'm going to say like, I'm sure I don't want to, I'm sure it's hard. There's parts to it. But sex addiction seems like to eat the best. Like, it doesn't seem like it's that bad. I think it could fucking destroy your life. How? You know why I'll because I have a deal. friend that I got to meet out here.

Yeah. And after four years, I asked, I go, don't you have a boyfriend? Yeah. You know, she became friends with my wife. There's no other than Hollywood. She moved back to New York now. Yeah. And she just told me this sex addict thing, and we'd smoke joints.

And one day, I just said, break it down for me. And it was just horrific. Yeah. And it was something with her father, the young man. You know, but I think it was still. I don't think anyone's born as sex addict. I don't think anyone just comes out like, you know what I mean? Like an unscathed childhood and there's like, I don't, I feel like it always is,

addictions always come from like a fucking rough landing as a child. Absolutely. I think, as a kid, it's like a response to a fucking fall. And I think it runs in something, I think, like for me, listen, I've been addicted to something since I could remember. Yeah. You know, let's start with my pacifier addiction. Yeah.

Sucking your thumb. I gave up pacifiers when I was six. Okay. And I still remembered how I used them. I used them like people smoke cigarettes. You'd stress out. So I'd play with you. Yeah.

And then let's say I lost the game. I'd go, I'd be right back. And I'd go on a corner and suck three times, then come back and keep playing Monopoly. That is fucking hilarious. I thought about that, not as a joke. Just a pack of pacifiers? I had them every way. where all over the fucking apartment, 80 to 90 of them.

And my mother had these Japanese dolls, and I used to play ball in the house. And she goes, listen, one day you're going to break one of those dolls. First, I'm going to break your head. And two, you're going to pay me the $300 for those dolls. I kept playing with the Spalding number two. Yeah. You know, they were a little harder for stickball.

And I broke the fucking doll. And she goes, you either have to pay me the $300 or you give up your addiction to pacifiers. I knew I wasn't giving that bitch $300. She had to kill me to get the change I had saved up from the bar. I had exactly like 3-10. Yeah, you're not blowing that. You're not going to blow most of that.

I'm not blowing that. I'm a fucking doll. Yeah. And I still remember her and I walking around the house and me going and she had a garbage bag. And me out throwing, you know, I had them hiding under pillows. I had one like crazy glues on the table. Did you have like a period of withdrawal? Like did you have to leave you in a room where you're just like?

I don't remember, like, I looked at my daughter when my daughter had it. Yeah. Binky thing. It was over with her with three, and that was enough. And I still remember her asking for it a couple times. Yeah. And then me coming back from the road, and my wife going, don't even bring it up. Yeah.

And that was it. I just moved on, but I guarantee that that addiction turned into it. Then I became a karate kid. Okay. And I was addicted with that. Yeah. And then Bruce Lee came, but it drove me over. And then from that, I probably got hooked up.

on fucking ice cream. Yeah. I don't know. I ate pizza every day. Like, steak, them. Everything I do, I'm a creature of habit. Yeah. You know, I was thinking last night, if somebody wants to kill me,

all they got to do is go to the store on a Tuesday night. I'm at the store every Tuesday night. You're just going to be right there. I'm at the store every Tuesday. Yeah. You know, rain, snow, shine. I feel bad. Christmas Eve is on Tuesday.

And I'm like, what do I do? Like, what do I do? You got to go to the store. Yeah. Like, what do I do? You don't think about that. When you have, like, habits like, or like kind of like OCD compulsions like that

when it's something like a holiday and you're like No but I do this thing on this day And everyone's like you gotta eat turkey with your family You're like fuck when you do listen for you to get to HBO Yeah You have some type of OCD Something to sit down and make you right This shit you have to have OCD to do

We do over and over and over What's weird is And repetitive and the same thought I feel I feel weird when I come off the road Because you get so used to go on Thursday This Saturday back on Sunday you know, New York, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, back on the road on Thursday, back home Sunday. And you'd start doing that.

In the past month, I stopped, after I filmed the special, I was like, all right, I'm just going to stay in the city, two spots. And I started to feel like, uh, it's itchy. Itchy is the best word where I was just kind of like, what the fuck. And I was getting bothered easy. And he's like, oh, yeah, we're creatures to have it. You have to go back to doing that. And, uh, that's why I like stand up because I can go do the same thing. I can go to the cellar Tuesday night after the bond.

You know what I mean? I need two weeks a month. Yeah. On the road, that's what I do. I need it. Yeah. Not financially. You just need to do it.

I need to do it. Yeah. I need it for my family. I've trained my family on it already. That's the best. My wife loves it. Yeah. You know, my daughter loves it.

Yeah. You know, the weeks I go on the road, her and I spend that little extra time. Sure. You know, it's something, you know, I was thinking about it last night that, I'm making it easier for my daughter. I understand hopefully she marries a guy that travels. And it's going to be like, fine. Yeah.

You know, because I was the blueprint of her growing up. And she's comfortable with it. I travel six days. And I tell I look at her face. It's five fucking days. Yeah. Yeah, but I miss you. Five fucking days.

And we keep the lights on. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. I mean, I need the road also. I could tell. I could tell when I'm home for a while. And you get to,

The road is, what's weird is you start becoming more of yourself on the road than at home. You know, there's like a party that's like, that's truly you by yourself and you're just in a, like, now it's nice to travel with features, have, you know, a friend with you. Sometimes that makes it easier. But then when you're just like in Buffalo at helium for five shows and you're like, yeah, this is who I am when I'm in Austin at Cap City. You know, I'm still that guy during the Saturday after press. you become like that that's just who you are as a person. So then when you don't go on the road, you're kind of like,

I kind of miss doing stuff like that. It's crazy how you evolve on the road also because 28 years, let's say safely, correctly, I've been going on the road like an animal for 20, conservatively. Can I ask you as someone that's just started on the road and only gone on the road with the internet? What was that like before, when you're on the road and there's no fucking internet

or you didn't have movie channels. Oh, this is what I'm going to tell you. Yeah. It's so weird like, okay, right now Lee's been doing it two years. And about two years he's going to start getting calls to do one-nighters and whatnot. Yeah. And at first the road is you drop your bags.

You go to Cleveland, you go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. You go here, you go there. You have an idea. You know, you're a feature act. So you're not going to go to the best restaurant in town. Sure. but you're going to find affordable and you go out and you do things

and you connect with people. Now every time you go to that club as a feature act which you're going to go to six times. Yeah. You're going to go there six times before you become like a bar. Yeah, if you're lucky you're getting that work like every two months.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's twice a year, three years. You're going to go there as a feature. Clubs, you can get like three in if they were nice. And if they really like, you know, go stay next week. Yeah. You know, so assuming that you become friends with the bartender, and now I'll tell you, hey, fly in Tuesday,

And there's a room an hour for me that pays 200. And now you start to meet people. But then the road, then you get married. You know, for you, you were drinking for six years. Yeah, yeah. And one day you said, you got to stop because this isn't working on the road. Oh, man, I was waking up. The road is a license to go.

Yeah. When you, and that's why I tell people, the road for me, when I fucking got in that car, June 25th, 1995 in Boulder, and I headed out to Ogden, Utah, that's open for Tribble, you know, do a Tribble run. Yeah, yeah. My mentality changed. You become a savage. Yeah.

You become Tom Berger in Major League. Yeah. I wake him up in the beginning. Jake Taylor, yeah. Two naked women on top of him and a chicken in the room. You can at least say it from the Yankees. Yeah. That's what you become on the road.

Yeah. All you do is party, right, and perform. Yeah. Party, right, and perform. And somewhere on the way to Tuscaloosa, you stop and do laundry and you bump into a fat black chick who fucking will cook for you and then you go back. You know, and that's part of the adventure. Sure. And then you get, then you stop doing drugs and drinking.

Yeah. Now the road becomes something different to you. Now you're starting to get special. So you're dedicating writing. You know, you want to get healthy. So now the road becomes a gym also. Yeah. Now you actually look at gyms.

You go to restaurants. Go to different. You want to get the local restaurants. Like the local flare. You don't want to go to Morton's in New York. You want to go to the local flare. Let's go up to Arthur Avenue in the Bronx and get some spaghetti and fucking meatballs. And then for me now, the road is an escape.

You know, when I'm home, I have a child. I have a wife. Podcast, you know, it's constant. When I'm on the road, it's over. Yeah. It's about my Netflix, my notebook. and I could walk to to eat. That's where I was.

When you tell me the best restaurant. I kind of am like there right now. I walk to where I eat a lot of times. When you tell me the best restaurant is choo-choo's, I look at, and I look at Twitter, I look at Uber. If it's more than a 10 spot, I don't need to go there. I live in L.A.

I don't want to be another car. I want to walk, breathe, get some vitamin D. Because I'm going to be in my hotel room. See, I always look for the restaurants that are in between. between the club in the hotel. If you find something and you're like, all right, that's on the way so I can get it. Or take it back.

For some reason, there was a couple months where I just wanted to get food and go back to my hotel room. Like, you want to go back to your cage early? I don't like food in my room. You don't? No, so I use it like when I go with... So you go out to eat.

Let's say you go to Nyack. Yeah. You go to Nyack, right? Yeah. They got great food and fucking Nyack. Yeah. They got a Chinese restaurant that delivers. Okay.

And they got a fucking Italian restaurant that delivers. Yeah. We did the show Thursday night. Friday, me and Matt Fultron. We just got fucking a bag of Italian food for 50 bucks, spaghetti and clam sauce, chadder, fucking pizza. The full guy. And that was all there for the day.

We just, he took three slices. I took three slices. And then Saturday it was Chinese, you know. But we eat it downstairs. And the breakfast. area. Yeah. So we'll sit there watching like whatever's on TV. Oh, so you go to the lobby and eat. Fuck yeah. When I bring

food back, I go to lobby and eat. You know what? That's a good point because I always notice I don't want food in my room. The messiest food is when you bring it back and then you get like a, you'll get like a quarter of a to go thing that'll open up and that's on the desk. Every bed spread is white. Yeah.

I got a fucking room once in San Diego 10, 11, 12 years ago. And I brought a pot cookie with me. And it was in a baggie. Yeah. I put the pot cookie in the shelf. And the next morning I woke up. And this was a fucking Hilton.

This is like a Hilton guy. This is like a hotel of the fucking gaslight district. White people. Do you know that a mouse ate the tail end of the cookie? The baggie, he ate through the baggie. So it was like a circle cookie. Guys, he didn't eat much. I'm not going to lie to you and say,

He ate how good. He ate like maybe this much of the cookie. But can you imagine what they did do a mouse? Oh, my God. That's why he had to stop. He's eating. He's thinking he's getting enough. He's at the bakery.

Yeah. And all of a sudden his diabetes hit him. That motherfucker went under the sink and died, that motherfucker. He got through, he was fighting through that bag, knowing what was on the other side. He's like a whole cookie. He was probably thinking of the cookie he was going to give to his family, how he was generations. And then he was eating it.

And he's like, this. What the fuck? Just putting them sideways I fucked that little mouse up That motherfucker that you gotta do Instead of traps Just leave Joey Diaz's weed cookies He sent the postcard to one of his cousins

On the train You know those trains on the A train Where you're waiting for the mouse You're waiting for the train You see something go by And you're like I gotta stop a smoker Yeah yeah That mouse got into jazz

And then you just started Walking with her And you look at the fucking train tracks And you start to see him in New York City Yeah And you're like okay I'm not fucking seeing things Yeah they The tracks and

New York, you just, it's actually the way I feel like if you live near a river you would watch a river run. You just watch like rats run down the subway tracks and it's like, if you don't get skis down, you're just kind of like, whatever, they're down there. So the special came out last Saturday. Yeah, yeah, so now totally streaming. Streaming on all the platforms.

And how are you feeling about it? Good man, but it's like that new like, all right, let's get back to work. It's a horrible feeling. It's horrible. It's two things. It's like exciting because you feel like you have a whole field in front of you like just go run around but then you're kind of like man i had some structured bits i had some bits that i really worked the fuck out how long did you take it's when you shot this special to prepare i think we did the stand-ups

on netflix in march of 2017 and so from march 2017 to october of 2019 so about two and a half years okay so you had plenty of time yeah and i went to edinburgh i went to scotland and worked on An hour or half hour? Hour. Okay, good. And just worked at some bitch. Works. You know, wanted to get it as tight as I could.

And then film it. And then it was just... Where did you film it? Bowery Ballroom. No shit. Yeah. How did it feel? Great.

Great. It's a great rock venue, but it's also just a good venue. Got about 400 people in there. HBO shot a couple specials or just you. They shot, uh, they did like seven in 2019. I want to say they did about seven or eight specials. So I'm the last one of the year. But, yeah, man, it's great.

It's that's HBO. I got them to do the 1983 special presentation intro where you see the dad turning the TV and then they go up over the town and, you know, it comes out of the stars. The, ban-da-da-da-da. I was like, man, if I could just get that on this special and they're like, yeah, we'll do it.

I was like, fuck it. That's great. All right. You control everything. Yeah, you just ask for shit. And they're like, you know. And were your parents now? You said you grew up in Colorado.

Yeah, I grew up in Aurora. My mom. is still out there. She's still living in Aurora. And then my dad died when I was 14. So it was just, oh, thanks. Yeah, it's just been there. And then my grandmother still lives out in San Francisco.

So I spend, those are the two places I go. I hate to ask you this. Where were you? We talked about before the podcast. I have a deep, deep love for Colorado. Yeah. And I'm going to tell you what happened. And the people were listening in Denver.

I just went to Denver. and I did two shows at the Paramount, and I went back to the room, I cried a little bit that night because I've been to every state in the fucking union. You know, Alaska, Hawaii, pretty much. I haven't done comedy in all of them, but Colorado's a special place.

Or it was, when I first stepped foot in Colorado in 1983, it was a magical kingdom, especially where I came from in New York City and New Jersey. Yeah. I'm from right over the United States. tunnel yes you go to the tunnel that's where I'm from yeah and then New York City and listen not to take anything away from New York City when New York City sneezes everybody catches a cold New York runs this bitch but when I went to Colorado

like I just it was something magical yeah like what I was expecting and what I saw with two different things did you think it was just gonna be like a podunk tiny Cowtown. I still remembered being a child. It's 83, man. That's Colorado, Denver's not big in 83. I still remember being a child and them always going tonight on ABC

you know, whatever 6 o'clock Central 7 o'clock Pacific, 8 o'clock Mountain time. And Mountain Time always fucked with me. I said, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. So when somebody came up to me and they go, listen, you're not doing too well here. I got a spot in basalt.

it's 45 minutes from Aspen, you know, we got a house there. You're more than welcome to come out and get your head together. It was like, wow. So I went, you know, in those days, you did not go online. Yeah. Went to the library. I was a bookie on 118th Street.

Okay. And I went to some New York library, and I got an encyclopedia and looked up Colorado, and I read all about it. And I was like, I guess I'd go out there. And I pictured little house on the prairie. Yeah. I remember waking up on I-70 and seeing all this commerce and all this shit.

Yeah. But we weren't headed there. We were headed to basalt. Yes, you had to go through Colorado. You go through the, you go through the foothills. And all of a sudden you start to see this. Georgetown. You're going by Georgetown on I-70.

You start to see, you know, what went, you know, except for the mountains. It looked like fucking Newark, you know, downtown Denver. What the fuck? You know, downtown was a house. hell-ho when I moved to California. So we didn't stop in Denver. We drove through Denver, and I was like, hmm, not that bueno.

But once we got on a Denver, and you start feeling those mountains. Yeah. And I got to be honest with you. And a lot of people, you think I'm crazy. You don't feel it because you grew up there. I didn't grow up there. But the first time I was surrounded by mountains,

something happens to you. You know, something happens to you. The mountains really have an effect on you. When I lived in Seattle, I would go to Bremerton, and that's the deepest point in the United States. That's why they launched submarines out of Bremerton. Okay.

And when you're there, when you live close to the ocean and you live in a city like New York, then you move to Colorado, there's some type of energy in those mountains. And I felt it. I felt at peace for the first time. I didn't have to do coke for the first time.

I slept. So it relaxed you. I learned how to go fishing. Yeah. You know. Yeah, man. That's a. skiing and mammoth.

You know, growing up there, I think you don't realize. You do not realize. Because to you're from like, you're from like a smaller town. You know, Denver is a small town and you're watching, you know, I was growing up with cable, so you were watching shows based in New York and shit. And Denver was a small town. And then you would go to the mountains to do things with your parents. But that was kind of like you were going along because they wanted to do something.

And for you, you're like, this sucks. I'd rather be at home with my friends running around doing that stuff. So I never really appreciated the mountains until I left Colorado and came back. And then I was like, holy shit. But also in a weird way, that's also why I think I appreciate New York so much. It's because I grew up in a place like Denver where there is a, it's a lower pace. It's a slower pace. Kind of everyone, there is that, there's room out there.

And then I moved to New York, and I just liked that everything was there and you could get to work. And it was like, if you wanted to work, you could go. So I think, you know, having that opposite, either growing up. growing up at a different place like New York and Denver and then having it as an adult, you can appreciate both. Because I don't think there's a better place I could have grown up than Denver caught, than Aurora. Suburbs of a nice, you know.

Fucking beautiful. It's beautiful. It's sunny. It's so sunny all the time. Nice white people. Great. Nice white people. You know, not for a couple generations ago.

Yeah. You got to remember, I moved to fucking besalt. Yeah. And the first thing we did to dinner the first night was go to a place where they gave you a fishing pole. I'm a New York City kid. I handled guns. I threw rocks at people.

You got to disscale a fish. These people give you a fishing pole for $10. You throw it in the roaring fork. You catch a trout. They take it. They skin it. They cook it. And then they give you potato salad,

two pieces of bread and a beer. That was my first experience. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, that is a frontier. How fucking cool is this shit? And everybody's talking to people. And I still tell people,

somebody put it up on Twitter. I still remember hitchhiking. Like the big thing in Besort was they had a hitching post so you can hitchhike and people would actually pull up and go, I'm not going up that far today. I'm so sorry. Good morning, though. And I'd go, fuck you.

Because I'm from New York. You don't fucking tell me good morning. I used to remember going home the first day. I applied for jobs. And I still remember my buddies's like, so how to go to that? I'm like, I'm out of here. They're fucking faggots. They tell you good morning.

How are you? They ask you how you're doing? They talk to you. I came from 1970, New York, where you were raised to look straight. You don't look down. You don't make eye contact. I swear to God, I still remember hitchhiking and a lady pulling up and going,

good morning. I would give you a ride, but I can't because I'm only going up to old snowmast. Let me go on. What the fuck is wrong? Get the fuck out of it. Blow in your mind that someone would. Blowing my mind that somebody was that nice. It almost feels, did it feel like intrusive?

Oh, my God. It felt like something I never, it took me a month to get used to, and then I was all in. But what happened when you went back east after getting used to the Colorado conversation? It took me about eight months. I stayed, and I really enjoyed it. I learned how to ski by myself on Christmas Day, 83.

I was all in, but I brought luggage with me. I brought my thievery luggage with me. and Snowmass Village is a size of fucking three blocks. And I started robbing jewelry stores and burglarizing them all Christmas Eve. So I had backed myself out of a position. So I left. Then I came back a year and a half later. Moved back up there.

Like nothing had happened. Again, I left in disgrace. I ended up getting arrested in Boulder. Now, when I moved to Aspen, I went to Boulder. And I was in Boulder five minutes before I looked at my buddies. And I go, get the fucking car. Why would you bring me to this filthy hippie, stinky sandal wearing fucking place?

You're just up on the hill watching all those hippies walking around? I didn't go to the hill yet. I was down on Pearl Street Mall. Yeah. And they go, get me the fuck out of here. People playing the guitar with dogs and shit. Yeah, yeah. That's the most Colorado shit in the world.

We got out of there and I never went back to the Bull. Pearl Street Ball is super fucking Colorado. I'm like, I'm not going back to Boulder again. I'm filthy animals white people. I'm never going back there. Like feral whites. Everybody had sandals on and shit. Fuck that.

And I went to New York, got a beating in New York, ended up homeless, the whole thing. I'm a plane right back to Colorado. I said, I'm moving to Colorado Springs. And I bumped into a black guy on the flight, and he goes, man, you don't want to move to no Colorado Springs. That's an arm in town. Yep.

You're Air Force. How old are you? You want 21. You want some pussy. You got to move to Boulder. Yeah. So I landed, got a hotel room, took a buster boulder the next day, and I moved to 1012, 14th Street, right on the fucking hill,

around the corner from fucking the downtown club, 18, 16 and over. Yeah. Where Canavis McGee points the guy in the eye and it knocked his eyeball out and shit. Tremendous. This was around the corner from Abo's pizza. I could throw a rock at the University of Colorado. Yeah. I'm 10, 12, 14th Street.

Dude, I know exactly where that is, because all my friends' older brothers and sisters went to Boulder. So when I was in high school, you would go up and go to those house parties, you know, and you're just like Halloween, the Halloween house parties, if you're a high school kid in Aurora, and one of your friends' older brothers went to Colorado, you're like, oh, just go up there and drink. You just go and do a keg and pay five bucks, but you were like 17.

It was fucking great. I'm going away to a ski resort for New Year's with my daughter, The main reason is to see how she adapts the ski and how she likes to cold weather. Yeah. If she likes the cold weather, I predict that within three years, I'll be living in the Grand Junction area.

Grand Junction? I'm moving to that area. Grand Junction? Why Grand Junction, though? Why not like that? Tally ride. I got all that. It hasn't been polluted yet with the marijuana.

Yeah. And there's still houses for $300,000. There you go. That's why I know Breckenridge. Grand Junction Airport flies directly to JFK, MLAX seasonal. So you could still get out of there. If anyone ever told me they removed a Grand Junction, I have that Grand Junction.

In that area. Yeah. It would be 30 minutes from Grand Junction. I have a dear friend in lunch, I have a dear friend. I have friends. He was just here, Mike Robo. Okay.

And we spoke, and he goes, you still have plans. And I go, I'm going to surprise you. His family owns a supermarket chain. Not there, not King Supers. I was about to say. Not King Super. Okay, I was about to say, they own King Supers? Not King Super Doopers.

How far is Denver from that? Oh, that's like a five, over a six-hour drive. Wow, okay. You got to go through the Rockies. That's on the other side. That's the west side of the Rockies. Wow. When I, so my point being that until this day, I'm very ashamed of my behavior in Colorado.

If I would have done that behavior, New York, San Francisco, L.A., it was accepted. Yeah. But Colorado to me. still remains a very special place. Yeah. I don't like the marijuana thing in Colorado. Really? I think it brought too much.

Bro, Colorado been smoking big dope since 80s, all right? Colorado got another proof to nobody. I moved to Tucson. I was in Colorado in 83 and I was getting weed. Yeah. I would grow fucking hair on your balls. That high altitude refa? Get the fuck out of it.

So I, when I went to college, I went to college in Tucson. I went to the University of Arizona. And before I left, you know, I went to up. to Boulder and I got an ounce. I got a, and it was four buds, four long buds. And it was, I weighed it, 28 grams. And I took it with me to Tucson.

Thinking everyone had the equivalent of Boulder weed. Because when I was in high school, Boulder weed was, that's what you wanted to get it. That was the first time I saw weed with orange hairs. The first time of the sticky shit, it was Boulder. And I remember I brought that with me and people in Tucson were like, where the fuck did you get this weed? You're like,

These, these amateurs don't understand. That I'm not even talking about Bull. I'm talking about Colorado as a whole. Yeah. When I lived in Afghanistan, I used to go to Woody Creek time. Yeah. All right. Great Hunter S. Thompson's watering.

I've been seeing Hunter S. Thompson, and I could lie to you guys and tell you, I didn't know who the fuck he was. I didn't know what the fuck he was. Yeah, but I like that. The one time I wanted to man, he was with Bill Murray. Okay. They were just about to shoot where the Buffalo Rome. All right. left I found out that he was then I went in there another time and he was in there with don

Johnson because Woody Creek tab and made the best fucking nachos they used real chorizo yeah nobody uses cherizo on their nachos that's that's that's mind boggling in 1983 oh bring a chorizo into mountains of colorado so fucking I uh would go down there and I would get weed the first time the person showed me the weed I don't know if it was the lighting in the room It looked like Coke from how the crystals were on the bud. So for people who don't know, now you know. They've been smoking deep reef in Colorado. Those motherfuckers, I had some people who grow on weed where they made the shining.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom worked at that hotel in college. You see those fucking twins? Yeah. Tell them about how good the buffet is there on Sunday. Oh, I don't know. I've never been to. My mom worked there up in college.

What's the hotel? It's not the, it's the, um, it's not the, the uh fuck it's in it's the broadmore something like that the stanley is what it's called right it's the stanley in the book but i think it's the broadmore hotel in in real life in real life they have a buffet the stanley or the yeah i think it's still the stanley they have a buffet so sustained day is the second it's the best buffet so my mom worked that that that hotel is really haunted yes it's a very haunted hotel and my mom worked there in the summer yes and she She worked at buffets, which was like a big,

that's a big deal at the hotel, the weekend buffets. What's the name of the town where that's in? Estes Park. Estes Park, Colorado. I don't know if this is still true, but as of 10 years ago, Estes Park was the number one visited tourist location in the United States. I thought it was the Grand Canyon.

Yeah. They have squirrels that come up to you. You could feed them. Even that blue back squirrels that's cool. That's cool, but that's better than the great. Yeah, that's great. But that hotel, my mom worked the breakfast shift, and she said, like,

they would come in and the tables would be like, you know, chairs on the tables and stuff like everything moved around and they have to reset it but they just became like used to it because that hotel was that haunted they're like oh yeah ghosts are fucking with us again and you're like cool and then they're shining and then they made the shining because i think my mom was in college when they made the shining or was that late 70s when did the shining come out let's find out i just say it had to come out fuck i want to see that new one doctor sleep 80 oh okay yeah so she's way gone But it was, you know, and I was just moving up there.

Okay. So you moved up to Snowmass on the heels of Ted Bundy. Fuck, dude. You always forget about Colorado stopover. Get, duh. You forget Ted Bundy. He escaped out of Aspen.

Twice. And he killed a chick at the wild wood in snowmass. And I used to hang out at the Stonebridge, which is right up the block. So they would go, that's the first place they'd take you. Let's go see where Ted Bundy killed the phone. That's where you're taking. People would take you.

You want to see where Ted Buddy bashed that lady's head in? Holy. Yeah, you're thinking about the Colorado stopover of Ted Bundy. You think mostly Washington and Florida. You know, Colorado was a very unique place. Like I said, it means the world to me because I became a man there. Yeah. Got married, divorced.

I failed there as a man. I went to prison there. Learned how to shoot. Yeah. I learned how to kill people there. I mean, I had a trainer there. That was, that's all he did blow up people. Why is battery acid?

Jesus. You know, because they used to hide a lot of Vietnam vets in Colorado to protect NORAD. I did not know this. That's fucking crazy. Because NORAD is in Colorado. It's in the mountain. So they would have, they would, you know, I just heard this, I don't know how true it is that they would actually send a lot of, I knew a guy in Snowman's Village that once a year

he wore his costume and a helicopter would come and get him. And then he'd leave and then he'd come back and he'd be a skier. But besides that, he had 19 racks of fucking medals. That's John J. Rambo. And people had stories about him and then I became friends with him because I worked at a video store. Yeah. And one day I asked him, I said, you were really a green beret?

And he goes, yeah, I go, are you guys the best? He goes, well, a green beret, a seal, fucking this, of this was sitting and a Ranger was sitting around making a bowl of stew. Ranger was telling his stories and the seal was telling his story and this guy was his story. The whole time the Marine was staring the pot with his dick.

That's the story he told me. That's how tough I am. And he used to wear the little ramble. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's the best. And the helicopter would come get him. And then there was a there was a guy that editor named John Link. He edited above the law. Okay. Commando.

Yeah. And what's the Steven Seagal movie? Hard to kill? Yeah. No, no, no. The one when he came back, you know, he's in a coma for eight years. Yeah, hard to kill.

Some two weeks later, he's flying through the air. Fucking shit up. People got to go to fucking therapy for ten years. Physical therapy. Yeah. He woke up and started beating the shit out of people. He woke up to his shit out of people. Yeah.

I love that. He acupuncture himself out of a coma. And then, you know, this is when, 87 they wrote some wild cocaine He's still making those movies I love it, is he? But yeah, they just go direct to In Hong Kong, it's him beating all those protests

That's the next seagall, hard to protest Hard to protest Yeah What dates you got coming up, bro? I'm going to be in San Francisco, I'm going to be in Boston All dates at dancerder.com I'm hitting the road again, January. Okay.

Get that new, you know. Put that new hour together. I hear you, man. Thanks so much for having me on me. It's... Burke Rice called me two nights ago. He's starting Thursdays at the Haha, workout Thursdays. He goes, I gotta start from scratch again.

Yeah. And it's horrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. Because you're like... It's a month. Do I know how to write a fucking joke? It's a month of suicidal thoughts because you're like, what the fuck am I going to say?

All I keep thinking about is like, what does that even mean? And you don't book yourself for an hour because... You do because you might as well embarrass yourself, but you go to like Albany. Like, you know, they just got two feet of snow and they don't give a fuck if you go up and hit yourself with a hammer or that. You know what I'm saying?

They don't give a fuck if you bomb up in Albany this weekend. Yeah, that's why I got to wait until January to be like, all right, I got a semblance of something. Something. Something. Yeah, yeah, figure something out. But, man, thanks so much for having me on. Man, the first time I ever saw, you know,

I heard of you, but I came. through LA for just a quick stop and I met up with Ari at the comedy store and I was with Louis Katz and we were waiting for Ari and we walked into the back of the original room and I saw you do this set and I was like man Joey Diaz is fucking

hilarious because that I just for some reason while I was waiting for Ari Louis and I walked in, sat down and watched you and you were doing a story about teaching a cat how to do blow and it was one of the fucking hardest I laughed and I remember leaving me like dude Joey

Diaz is a fucking beast. Just, you know, and I don't get out to L.A. a lot, so it's just nice to meet you, and I'm, uh, thanks for having me on. And I love to do the bonfire. Dude, when in your, when do you tape them? We do Monday through Wednesday, 6 to 8 p.m. So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night. Yeah, 6 to 8.

Fucking Jay's a hard work. Dude, he's got that. Legion of Skanks. No shit. Sex drugs and rock and roll. He's doing a great new show at the stand that you definitely have to do called the worst where you tell a story and Jay kind of interjects with thoughts or whatever. I've done it.

What night did he do that? He does it once a month. But if he ever does an L.A., dude, I'm telling you, man. That just me dream booking you on the worst with Big J, it would be the shit. But, dude, I love you, man. Thanks for having you. I love you, thank you very much for a man.

It's that Colorado connection. No, no, we got to get you back on. Because, dude, I mean, yeah. I love that shit. And I miss Colorado, but I love them in New York. I miss it. I miss. And that's why I told my wife, I go before.

We spent a ton of loot, go to vacation and Grand Junction and fly in and the whole thing. the whole thing. Let's see how she handles Big Bear. Perfect. And if she likes the snow and she likes falling down and all that shit, I'm out of here. I'm a Colorado bomb. I'll ask for forgiveness. I'll volunteer with blind kids. Just to give me good karma.

Yeah, yeah. Because I always felt like that was the wrong place to do the things I was doing. I remember Rogan moving to Boulder and calling me and going, I'm driving in this town. and I'm seeing you and this was like a fucking candy store for you. You know, I still remember going to Kmart on Christmas. Yeah.

And in Boulder. Yeah. And the place was closed. The gate was open. There was no attendant. There was ten, you know, a couple trees. And the guy said, leave your payment in the thing.

And I'm like, no, he didn't. And I'm broke. I look in the envelope. There's 200. I take the cash. leave the checks and I steal a Christmas tree. I felt so bad about that. I went back and put 200 in this thing

and I didn't tell them for what. You know, there was a story that I didn't do. But this is how nice people in Colorado are and you people are listening and they're fucking stupid. No. They're so nice in Boulder. A fucking guy put five boxes in front of five

drive-ins in a bank of Boulder. Yeah. So a driving Lanes. Yeah. Big bank with drivers. He put a box in a sign that said, window closed,

put deposits in here. You'll receive receipts in the mail. He did that till lunchtime, till they caught on. He came and got all five boxes. God knows what he stole. Good God. Because I'm nice to people.

Oh, okay. I couldn't. I was like a bully there. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, people leave your keys and the ignition in the car. Now you get to move back. And now I get to move back

and try to be a, normal motherfucker. I love that. All right. I love you, Dan Soda. Listen, the church is brought to you by. Don't forget, Dan Soda Special. Came out on Saturday night.

Catch it on HBO. He's a funny guy. He's a great guy, and I'm happy that he made it on today. I want to thank him. I want to thank the Christ killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you, motherfuckers, that's important the church of what's happening now. Let me explain something to you.

The holiday season's coming. You're sitting there. What am I going to get this guy? What am I going to get Jim? me what am I got I got something for you and it starts at $79 the hello tushy portable bidet you're like Joey why would I need a bidet why because why would you need to cut down a thousand fucking trees to wipe your ass wiping your butt with dry toilet paper doesn't remove all this shit it leaves all the fucking espititos

behind you got poop on any other part of your body would you just wipe it off with dry paper no water cleans better than dry paper you fucking Mo Mo Moe Tushy space sprays water directly into your asshole and removes everything. Listen, bidet is a common all over the world except here. A bidet saves you money on toilet paper. You still use little toilet paper to patch it down, but the amount doesn't matter. We also over at Tushy, they got tremendous little Turkish towels to dry your asshole clean. Tushy sprays water into your fucking ass, not toilet water.

I'm talking about Tushy connects to the water supply behind your toilet. to spray your dirty parts, your nut sack, your asshole, that crack with fresh water. The same water you brush your teeth with wet wipes are worse than fucking toilet paper. Listen, take it from your uncle Joey. If you wipe with paper, you're going to leave fucking cause anal fixtures, and you don't want to have no anal fissures in your fucking asshole, all right? So, badees of the way to go, they started $79. They come in different colors.

They got a 60-day guarantee, but let me tell you some. I've had mine for what? maybe four fucking years. I'm 300 fucking pounds, and it still washes my asshole. Tip Top Magooda. So go to hellotushy.com right now and press in. Church, get 10% off your order.

Anytime right now, this is the gift to give. You show up with this. They're going to be fucking happy, and it's easy to install. You don't need a plumber. You can do it all on your own. Go to hellotushy.com. Right now, let me tell you something else.

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They got Metallica. They got the karate kid. They got the whole Quentin Tarantino collection. Every football, every baseball, every basketball team, they got something for every sports fanatic in your life. This Christmas. tell you something, these socks, they're just comfortable. You ever just put a pair of socks on? When I fly, I put out my stance. Why? When I go to lift weights, I put on my stance. Why? Because

they're comfortable. They make your feet feel like a million bucks. You know what I'm saying? They're like fucking an SUV for your feet. They're comfortable. They're just tremendous. And this, again, is another tremendous Christmas presents. So right now, for the church family, I got a great offer. Are you ready? Go to stance. dot com right now and you'll get a free pair of socks with any purchase. Purchase a pair of socks, they're going to throw a pair of socks in, all right? Stance is the best way to cross everyone off your holiday shopping list. That stance, grab a pen, S-T-A-N-C-E dot com slash shirt to get your free pair of socks.

Because if they're not stance, they're not socks. They're just pieces of fucking shit, all right? Go to stance. com right now. Stance, s-T-A-N-C-E dot com slash church, and get a free pair of socks when you order, whatever they have to sell you. Who takes care of you like Uncle Joey?

And again, I'm taking care of you. This weekend, you got Usman versus Cumberton coming up Saturday night. Did you know that? No. Mybooky.org as the lines and all that and much more. They even got prop bets set up for the Super Bowl halftime show. Will the tit fall out? Will the little fucking black guy slip off the stage?

Who the fuck knows? My bookies got it. Plus, they got better incentives and more lines than any other sports book, period. Don't wait. Get in the fucking game. You're sitting there at home doing nothing with your fucking life watching these games like a Momo. At least make a little money. They're running a contest.

You pick five teams. They go against the spread. You win 100. That's my bookie. They're a tremendous sight. So do me a favor right now. Use promo code church and get 50% bonus on your initial deposit. Joey, what does that mean?

Do you know what that means? If you put in a G note, they're going to give you $500. I'd say you start with $1,500. Who's better than my bookie? Nobody. That's why I go to my bookie.ag today. That's my bookie, M-Y-B-O-K-I-E. Dot AG.

And don't forget to use promo code church when creating your account to claim your bonus. You play, you win, you motherfucking get paid, Jack. I want to thank my bookie. I want to thank Hello Tushy. And I want to thank Stan Sox, and most importantly, I want to thank you fucking Savage. It's Colusa Casino.

It's sold out. There's maybe two tickets left for the Christmas show up at the Ice House. And San Francisco, the second show, there's still some tickets left. Palace of Performing Arts. And it's after Christmas, so we'll have a good time on a Saturday night. I love you guys.

Do not forget to watch the Dan Soda special on HBO. I want to thank the Christ Killer. I want to thank fucking Dan Soda, but I want to thank you guys for being fucking family. And thank you for all the compliments on Mercy. She is a great kid. I'm trying my hardest. I love you, motherfucker. See you Monday morning or maybe Tuesday.

I don't know. I haven't made up my mind yet. But I'll see you next week. All right. Stay black. God bless you. Don't let nobody fuck with you. Kick this fucking Mulee.