The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #744 - Jesus Trejo

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

Jesus Trejo, a comedian and actor seen on Netflix' "Mr. Iglesias," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Look for Jesus' debut comedy special on SHOWTIME; and his show on Complex, "Taco's con Todo" in early 2020.  This podcast is brought to you by: Behind The Irishman podcast - Go behind the scenes with host Sebastian Maniscalco and learn about Martin Scorsese's new Netflix movie "The Irishman." http://smarturl.it/behindtheirishman MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.

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You bad motherfuckers, I got myself. I got Jesus Trejo and my main man to Christ kill in the fucking house. What's happening? What's up, you guys? Thank you guys for having me again. Absolutely. This is a blessing, man.

We had a good time on Friday. We shot a little fucking video and we laughed our asses off. You're a riot, Joy. Oh, we're riot together. We fucking just. Oh, man. I like going off anymore.

I don't like just playing comedy no more. My life ain't no Saturday Night Live edition. That's the worst fucking show on television. I swear to fucking God. It's not worth that? If you are Saturday Live, shoot yourself. If you wake up, if you go to work on Mondays and tell your friends, how good is Alex Baldwin this weekend?

Take a fucking black cock and shove it up your ass. It's over. You're a dumb fuck, okay? I fucking hate you, Sanite Live people. I have for a long fucking time. I'm happy. It's a holiday season. I feel honest.

It's like a week away from Hanukkah I can't, you know, right? You're like a week away from Hanukkah. I honestly don't know when it is this year. It changes every year. It's like the 27, 26, something. Maybe the 20th. Who cares?

Who gives a fuck? But we're close. We're close. That's all that matters. Polish that beanie. Polish that beanie. Nice. It's holiday season.

Forgiveness. What's this fucking? What's Hanukkah? Oh, we're just happy that the oil lasted for eight days instead of one. We just want presents. Okay. That's not as good as Chris. It sucks compared to Christmas.

What's going on with you, Hazers? Shilling, man. It's special as a showtime. Yeah, man. Midnight spots at the store. You're like a . Yeah, man, I'm just happy, man. I'm just happy, man.

I'm just happy to be able to, you know, do my thing, do comedy. Things are looking up, you know. Just a blessing, man. It beats pushing a lawn more. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's like, hey, man, I've been able to kind of, you know, make a living from my, uh, IP, intellectual property, you know what I mean? Just think about some and manifest it, make it happen.

You were talking about the fields earlier. Yeah, man. Talk to me. It's crazy. I mean, you're out there working. I mean, I remember going out there working with my dad. No, no, here. I'm born and raised here.

Okay. I'm born and raised here in Long Beach, California. But, you know, my parents came from Mexico. And, yeah, my dad's from Sinaloa. And my mom's from Halisco. So, I mean, I pretty much had the upbringing of, of an immigrant, you know. Spanish, my first language.

I didn't have command of English to like, what, fifth grade? Because I could speak English, but it's like, it still was a little rough, you know? You just kind of figure it out. So you just kind of learn English translating for your folks, you know, in the morning, before we went out to go work, we would go to a donut shop or 7-Eleven and I ordered everything for my dad or for the guys he was, he brought to work with him. And then, you know, we drink coffee, laugh it up. it's about to be 7 a.m.

That's when you can start. It was your father's company. Yeah, it was a landscaping business. Oh, so it was a landscaping. Yeah, we were a gardener's and stuff. Oh, no, no, yeah. I mean, we did a little bit of that, like, you know, taking out grass, putting out sod, you know, taking trees out.

So we would work the fields as far as, like, planning stuff. How old are you now? 33. Do you think about that work ethic when you're doing comedy? like to you. Yeah. Oh, yeah, man. I'm so grateful.

My dad was a hard ass. Tough love all day. The definition of tough love, you type it in, my dad comes out, arms folded, you know. And thanks to that, I think I was able to apply it to comedy, you know. It was like if I was able to be out there and working with my dad 12 hours, no problem, you know, we just stop for water breaks, eat, listen to the radio in between spots. If I could do that I could I could

Yeah I could go on the road I could do this I could do that I don't stop Even to a fault I mean we were talking about this earlier How sometimes you're like man I need a break today

Like I didn't need to sleep in a little bit And yeah I've been able to transfer that into comedy And it just been You know It's been a blessing That I can multitask that way And not feel the fatigue

What's the dude Who walks on charcoal's and shit The dudes I walk on charcoal. Isn't that Tony Robbins? Yeah, Tony Robbins, for example. If you go to a Tony Robbins seminar, he speaks about triggers for performance, you know, and it's so weird like I have a problem, you know, we all have insecurities and we doubt ourselves. I have a lot of doubt. And even, you know, before you go on stage, you have a little insecurity, you know, just little touches. And I think that

one of the triggers, one of the jobs that I always go back to is hot carry. Hot carry for a minute. When you work for a cement guy, that builds bricks. Oh, okay. You know, like your shirts off. Right. You could taste the salt from your body on your skin. Like, you've been sweating since 915, and it's 4 o'clock.

And you don't give a fuck. You're outside. You're picking up bricks. You're mixing mortar. And it's easy. It's hard. But at the same time, you just enjoy what you're doing, that it's easy. Right.

And I compare that before I walk on states and times. Like, I think of all these things. Like, I'm so petrified before I go on states. That's why I was asking you, how is working that field, that immigrant mentality, helped your comedy? I mean, last night you did five spots. Yeah, easy. Five fucking spots. People moved to New York to do five spots tonight.

And just to be clear, I mean, these spots weren't like packed with people. I mean, there is just a guy. No, they never are. Yeah, they never are. One of them was, the ice house was packed, but, you know, it's great. I think just that mentality, it's like, you know, just moving forward and not being phased because it's like I know, I know what it's like to have to go to work with your dad and be sick. You know, it's like, you have the flu or you have this or you have a headache.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. My dad had to go to work no matter what. Yeah, it doesn't matter. That's what people don't understand that. we've become very pussified, you know. Pussy.

You're sick, come on down. Right. Puk here and then go back home. Then we're cool. I was raised into that mentality. You know, I pulled my hamstring. For the first week, I didn't do nothing. Then after that, I knew I got two options.

It's a stink of curl in me. And I can sit here, and I got an excuse not to work out. Or I could work around it. Yeah, do other things. And the first two or three days, I was very scared, you know, and then I realized you have to give the leg of blood

for it to heal. You know, like you have to, it's so weird how the show must go on. You don't have time to bleed. You know, I tell people that me and Rogan really have nothing in common, except for one thing.

And it builds our bond so much, and that's called the religion of comedy. Religion of comedy. I'm a Catholic. Yeah. And I'm a Santeria guy, and I believe the Buddhist buddies, but I was raised.

When did you start, there's two questions I have for you, right? Okay. Don't answer them. when did you start comedy and when did you start doing comedy? There's always two questions. There's always two dates.

For me, I started comedy July of 91. When did I really start comedy? When did the religion sink in? And I was like, this is it. That's a great question. Rain, snow, shine, birthdays, anniversaries, no weddings. I'm selling every possession I got

just to fucking force because this is what I want to do. I started comedy July 91. I started doing stand-up October of 93. That's when I go, okay, I just got, I baptized myself and I'm in the religion of comedy.

What does that mean that nothing else matters? Everything has revolved. Comedy is first. Cocaine was a tight second. Neck and neck. Pussy was a top third. You know, but the comedy of religion, the religion of comedy was first.

That was it. I drove to wherever I had to go, whatever hustle I had to do. When did it snap for you? So I'm 33 now. I started comedy when I was 20, right? So I just turned 20. Like I went up for the first time when I was 20, right? Kind of did it, bombed my ass off real bad.

Got scared, didn't do it for a whole year. and I came back at 21 because that's when I can get into the bar illegally and I go up there and I bombed harder than the first time I'm like fuck all this shit I'm gonna stick with school

you know I think my dad's onto something with this school shit you're going to college yeah yeah I was going to college I ended up graduating but I remember even when I graduated I grabbed my diploma gave it to my folks

I'm like this is for you I'm gonna go park cars and my dad threw a fit he's like if that's what you wanted to do he's like why the fuck you're wasting time and money It's like you're, you're going to, all my sacrifice, you're going to go park cars at the store. Why did you want to park cars at the store?

Because I can get stage time and I wanted to get past. And that's how Mitzi had the system in play. You know, you do potluck, which back then was Sunday and Monday. So if you got Sunday, you weren't going to get up Monday. So that freed up my Monday, I could do another open mic. But you do the open mic until you're basically tapped. And they're like, hey, do you want to work here? Fuck yeah, I do want to work here.

And that meant I had a guaranteed spot on potluck. Sunday and Monday now, right? And that was three minutes of stage time. That's six minutes between the two. And then you get one development spot in the belly room. That's another three. I'm up to nine minutes. Maybe run the light every once in a while.

That's 10 minutes, you feel me, a week. Sign me in. So I worked a store. You know, I hung out for a year begging Tommy to let me work there. I mean, begging, hey Tommy, hey Tommy. And as soon as I was coming up them stairs, Tommy, it was like, well, I know, I know what you're going to say. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told you yesterday.

Hey, just putting it out there, man. I was annoying. I've never been that annoying with anything in my life. But when you want to get into the religion of comedy, that's what it takes, you know? Why did you want to do it so bad? You wanted to be around it 24-7? You wanted to chew it, live it, spit it. It was what I wanted to do.

And then, like, just the track record of the comedy store. I mean, you know, some of the guys who I looked up to came out of the comedy store. It's like, you have Richard Pryor. coming out of there. And then somebody who I became enamored with and I never got to me, but God rest his soul of Freddie Soto. I'm like, I identified so much with Freddy Soto's like, well, where did he come out of? The comedy story. What did he do? He drove Richard Pry around and he worked the store. Yeah, that's where I needed to be. You know, you have Jim Carrey coming out of him. Sam Kinnison. I mean, the list goes on and on. It's like, it's all day. And I was

like, I need to get in there. You know, Rogan was. there. Shafir was there. You're there. It's like, it's tried and true. I need to get in, you know, and I got in and I did it. I did every job. I parked cars for a long time. Did maintenance work during the day. I unclogged the toilets. How long did it take you to get past? A little over two years. No shit. In under three years. Good for you. Yeah. So, I started when I was 20, but I started, started comedy, September 7, 2012. that's when I got past. And I knew that that's when it started

because I was on the road. I was on the road. I was on the road. I think I was in Chicago. We were driving cross-country, me and my homie, Kyle Ray. And we were just driving across town.

We had a gig in Des Moines, Iowa at the Funny Bone. And then we had a gig at Pittsburgh Improv, right? And there were a week apart. So it was this week at Des Moines. a week in the middle, free, and then the following week, it was Pittsburgh. So we drove. It took us a month to go there and back. So we do, we do, uh, Des Moines, uh, we were opening for Steve Torino.

And, uh, we drive to Iowa. We do the show. Then we go to Chicago and we stay there for a whole week. And we're sleeping in the car. One of the best times of our lives. We're sleeping in the car eating fucking gas station hot dogs and coffee in the morning, splitting a pack of donuts here and there, buying gas station bananas

just to eat healthy, you know? And then so we do Pittsburgh, and then on the way back, we're in Chicago, and I remember this, we were at a coffee shop at a Borders bookstore at some mall, who knows where, I couldn't tell you.

And the names go up. And I think it was maybe Breton, who sent a picture of them painting my name on the wall, because I already got passed, right? So they're painting the names on the wall. And I couldn't be there for the names night ceremony.

And I was bummed out. I was like, fuck, man. I'm on the road doing, you know, open mics in Chicago in between, just kind of waiting for the gig because I was so bummed out. And again, Kyle was like, this is what you want to be doing. I was like, you want to be a comic, right? I said, yeah. And then, you know, started thinking about it.

It's like, if I really want to be a comic, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm on the road doing comedy as opposed to being in town at the store or seeing my name go up. I got a picture of my name half written on the wall. And I was like, all right. That night we went to downtown Chicago and we did some show at a bar that I ate shit at. But I got offstage feeling great. And I'm like, wow, they have no idea. Like, I just started comedy right now.

Like, this is the day. And, yeah, to answer your question, it was September 7, 2012. That's crazy. well be a difference of thinking of procrastinate. But you started at the store in 2009. Yeah, yeah. That's what, yeah, that's around when I started. I don't know exactly when I started,

but I was doing open mics in Long Beach. I was driving back and forth, you know, just, you know, I was working jobs here and there. I was working at a steel factory. I was working retail. I was working like whatever I could get my hands on, working with my dad on weekends. But during the week,

and then eventually I got a job as an ABA instructor. I was working with autistic kids, ages three to seven. I was going to school. I was like essentially hands-on teaching, you know? And I would get out at 5.30 or 6 o'clock. That's peak traffic hours here in L.A. So it would take me, if I got out at 5, it would take me damn near two hours to get to the store. But that's where I needed to go to go do my spots, then I'm working there at the store.

And I remember during those times, Chappelle was popping in. So it would go late. We were there at 3, 4 in the morning. I got to drive home, sleep, be at school. at seven in the morning and do it again. And it was those weeks where he would pop in multiple times. I'm like, this is just what it is. I remember one time Don Barris caught me sleeping in his car.

I moved this car because I'm moving cars around. And he had the heaters on and it was cold. I just stood there and I was like knocked out. He opens the door. He said, what the fuck you're doing? Sleeping in my car. I was like, oh, my bad, my bad. Let me go sit in my car.

But, I mean, what makes us do that? The hustle? You know, there's something bigger. The, what makes you, what possesses somebody? But if I go home and my door doesn't work, like I go to turn the key and my key breaks in the door, that's one thing. I know I got to sleep in my car.

But you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Fuck. Fuck. You call the locksmith. He wants $800 because it's 2.30 in the morning. You know. But now the landlord, you know, you get him at 8.

So what do you do? You crawl in your car. You put your hooded sweatshirt. You go to sleep. What we know. Okay, so you get pissed off for eight minutes. Right. You put the music on the heater and you pass out.

What makes you get in the car knowing you're going to sleep at a truck station and some chick is going to come up to you, some chubby chick at them on the morning, knock on your glass and go, are you looking for a date? And you're like, not really. You're filthy animal, and there's a bunch of guys shooting meth. I mean, when I used to pull into those truck stops, they were crazy. Really? And I would have a knife.

What's the name of that? Truck stop. I don't think we stopped there. I mean, you name it. You name it. You know, I mean, you go to some truck stops and see gay activity, like a guy going into the bathroom, and then like a guy going in and walking out, but that guy's still in there. And another guy going out, and that guy's still in there,

and another guy going out. And you're like, wow. And you're there rolling like your joints for the next. That's a different kind of bathroom attendant. Yeah. Like you're rolling your joints and you have a box of chain so you could get, Like, what are those fucking chips to, like, a cone? Oh.

Bugles? Bugles. I still remember living off of Bougles. Really? And, like, Subway veggie and cheese. Like, it's so funny. It's so fucking crazy. Like, what makes you, I've asked the last three comics left come on here.

Like, ever since. I can answer that question for sure. And it's, it's knowing that there's this book by David Lynch. and I don't remember the exact title, but it's like finding the big fish or catching the big fish. And it's just the thought, you know, you let all these little fishes go by.

It's like you're fishing, you catch one, you let it go, and that's a day job. It's this opportunity. It's an office job. You know, I mean, you let all those fishes go because you know there's a big fish coming,

and that's comedy. And for me, seeing guys like you, Rogan, you know, look at Delia, Brandon's job, like Theo Vaughn. You guys caught the big fish. And I know that.

Yeah, I mean? It's like, and I know that there. How did we catch the big fish? Because you guys are doing what you love on your own terms. That's the big fish. You guys are doing comedy. You guys are doing what seems right to you. Yeah, I mean?

Look at your podcast. How amazing this is. I mean, I'm blessed that this is my second time here. The first time I was on here, your audience was so warm. No, they're very warm. They're receptive. On Twitter, they're like, welcome to their church. They like hard work.

They believe in all the shit. This is our thing. You get to create. This is our thing. People are on your wavelength. Nobody's telling you, hey, Joey, the sponsors thing, you can't read it like that. No. They're happy to do business with you.

They're happy to listen to you week after week. You caught the big fish. You have a wife. You have a kid. You have a family. But do these things just happen? Are they luck? No.

Are they persistence? You know, I believe in the universe. I believe the universe has a certain strength. And I believe that if the universe sees that you're really fucking suffering, you know. But you're not bitching. You're not. The universe hurts. The universe hates cry babies, bro.

Right. And guess what? I was the biggest crybaby of them all because I know what it is to be in love. I know what it is to break up with something. I know what it is to be cheated on and those feelings you get in 1994 I fell in love with comedy so hard

like nothing else mattered right like you fall like it's like falling in love with a woman you know I was watching the when you watch the Motley crew movie talks about falling in love and it gave him a warmth that he never had growing up and that woman was called heroin

for me, it was cocaine. Right. But the real true addiction was the love I had for comedy, not to be a comedy star, not to even live in L.A., just to be good. Right. Just to be a good comedian. I didn't know what time was.

I didn't know what time limits were, hours, 45 minutes. I didn't know. Right. I didn't care about all that shit. When most people, it's really, weird when you're 16 and you find your mother on the floor and there's no one you're the only person has to take care of you you learn real quick what things you need to drop from your life for you to survive yeah like there was no more football on Sundays that was you know when I got to

high school I did that thing that I hated I did the thing that was uncool to do in the 70s the most uncool thing you could do in the 70s were labeled you a loser more than putting a tattoo on your forehead that said loser was quitting high school. And because of my mother's death and because of various other things, I quit high school.

Yeah. And it was fucking painful. You know what I'm saying? When you're already tagged to be a loser, like people who quit high school were losers. Or not necessarily. Their parents had a business and they were getting groomed

to take over the business when they're 40. You're still a fucking moron. You know? I'm saying for quitting school, but, uh, but pain, I think makes a thing called, it's like situations like the one you described gives you a sense of urgency that I think people don't really move with. And, you know, we've talked about my parents' health and stuff. From a very young age, I figured out that, hey, man, this is going to be different. I, I can't be up playing video games. I can't, you know, do this and that. I can't be hanging out.

I can't, you know, you sacrifice because you know that if there's going to be some kind of relief to the, if you're going to stop the pain somehow, it's going to be through hard work. And that's what you figured out. And I think a lot of people have figured out when you find the thing that you love to do and that you know that that thing's going to provide for your loved ones, most importantly. And then you can get a little kickback from that too. It was like, great. You know, I came here with a lot of people. And 50% of these people are still.

here today. And I look at what they're doing and I look at what I'm doing. And I'm not here to judge nobody, but I see the differences in career paths. And I question, you know, like it makes me feel shitty, but I question what path that we take that we ended up in different paths, you know, like, you know, why am I still at the comedy store when most of the guys I got put up with aren't even allowed on sunset. The guys I got passed with, like, then I even allowed on I don't even think they're doing kind of. One guy I know for sure is in and out of a fucking cuckoo for him.

That same night I got past, he's in and out of a fucking insaneous out of him right now. Comby just ate him up and chewed him up and spit him out. Every 90 days you see him on Facebook, I'm back. And he draws a picture of a guy with a missing leg or something, but

it's just like you feel guilty. You said a name, you know, Freddie. I was there with Freddy. You know. Wow. I was trying to find my identity. And I saw Freddy go from driver to being on tour with everybody, you know, with Carlos and then doing his own tour. Right.

And I just remember being at the Houston Comedy Festival with him and then being on the floor under mine. And fucking, it was all hell down there, you know. That's fun. It's, I think about Freddie from time to time. I see Corey now a lot. Yeah. always been up there shaking those tities. So, you know, 15 years later, you got to come out and shake those tities.

You know what I'm saying? He's dead and buried. Do you struggle with the, like, the survivor's remorse or I don't know what you call it, Survivor's guilt of sorts? Like, you were kind of touching on that. It's like guys who you started with or got passed with. And is that something you struggle with? Yeah, sometimes.

I don't know if it's luck. I don't know what I did, right, because I did everything wrong. But you see, I did everything wrong, but I did one thing right. I put my head down, and I kept going. I kept going. I never gave up. And every year I added to my arsenal, I saw what people weren't doing, and I tried to add to my arsenal. Early on, I knew I wasn't going to be Lewis C.K.

They were not going to let me be Lewis C.K. And I wasn't going to let myself be Lewis. Sure. Like, not by taking my dick out. I mean, on the talent level, like, you know, the addiction problems I had wasn't going to let me beat Lewis C.K. But I kept showing up at the store, following Mooney every night. I didn't give a fuck about that. I didn't, when I was following Mooney all those years and going to Felipe's and all those guys' rooms and ending up at the store, I wasn't thinking of doing theaters on the weekend.

I just want to be funny. Right. That's where people get lost. lost, they start looking past that. And your goal is just shut your fucking, do me a favor. Just shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up. Until you do half time of a Buffalo Sabre game, until that time, don't say a

fucking word because you don't know dick. And that's where I would go down to the store early and the guys that weren't getting up. It's just negative. It's negative. and it's a reverse guilt that you're on and then on. Well, Mitzie likes you. Yeah, what do you want me to do?

Yeah. Are you insinuating that I fucked her and ate her ass? No, I didn't. I come here on Sundays, I make sure on Sundays my game is on top because she's in here. See, in the old day, she would come in during the week. Wow. They would tell you, like, when you got there at nine,

like, Mitzie's coming. Fuck. Fuck. You know? And then she'd sit there and you're like, thank God, please. And you would actually get people to go talk to her. You may tell you, go talk to it. Mitzie's giving away spots, go talk to her.

I would trick people to go and talk to her like when I was on stage. Mixie's looking for somebody for the hoyer, go talk to her. That's what you do. And when you wanted her to see somebody, you stood next to her and body blocked her. Hi, Mitch, get the fuck out of you. You know what I'm saying?

Go take a fucking hike. You're in no danger getting a spot. Mitzie'll die before she gives you a spot in this fucking dump. You know what I'm saying? Like they were just, whenever she was there, she created this fucking energy and they were coming from all over the place. So when, you know, think about

fucking, think about parking cars. Right. Mitzie comes in at 9.30 on a Tuesday and at 945 there's no comedians in the building. Oh, shit. And she's sitting in there.

She's like, bring me water. Pick my feet up, you know. And people are picking a little Jewish feet up and shit and put it on the stool. And she sits back. There's nobody there. It's 945. There ain't nobody to talk to her.

And she watches your whole set and you die a death. of fucking 10 Katrina survivors. You die like one of those fags in Orlando. You just get, you just get fucking shot in the head, dog. And you walk off that stage. Remember why I said that you would even want to? You would just look at the carpet.

Yeah, it's just like to walk out and go. Looks like I'll be parking cars for a long fucking time. I better get used to it. Yeah. I better learn how to drive a Tesla. Because I tell people all the time, I used to leave there going. with tears.

I still remember going down that hill to a fountain and making that left turn. Down on my chin again? Yeah, the tear just going down my face. Like, it looks like, I won't be at the store no more. It goes. Have they ever unpassed somebody? Like, painted over their name on the wall or no?

I saw her throw a few people out of there. I knew she threw Jerry Seinfeld out there. Really? Yeah. He was on there last week. He came for the store. Yeah, yeah. He came again.

I remember the time. He came in and he told the story on stage. You know, this is maybe a few years ago. But it was like, you know, 30 years ago, just he came, he came to L.A. He was too polished for her. Yeah. That's what it was. Yeah.

He was too polished for her. She didn't want you polished this. He basically quoted her and said that it's like, you know, you come here to L.A. He's like, and no one's going to, no one has told you no. He's like, I want to be that person to tell you no. He's like, and he would drive down Doheny in his, Porsche and she would be out there watering the lawn and they just kind of lock eyes

like but she never would let him play and then you know this was a few years ago and he went on stage he said this is my first time in a long time crazy and now he went up recently actually within a week right fucking Jews hating Jews it's a fucking horror show

do you think Mitzie's like strong aura built better comics at the store it was it was that fear of I better not Not bomb. Yeah. No other club had that. I mean,

Bud Freeman wasn't doing that to comics, right? But Freeman was out there was fucking Monaco, eating dinner with 10 people, not bothering anybody. I'll never forget being in Miami. And Bud Friedman was talking about one of the owners, his name was Stan. And this had to be 99. I walk in. I covered for somebody.

They got canceled, and that was the feature, and I could cover. I would sell tickets down there that day. I had like a little white, like from doing feature work, people would come and they knew I snorted coke. And I'll never forget that. But Friedman looked at me. He was standing right next to the stand. He goes, hey, look who it is. And he goes, what's this kid's name again?

And those are the things you really can't explain to people. Right. Like you feel like going, go fuck yourself. But you're like, I'm working. I'm getting $1,200. You know what I'm saying? Right. I can't blow this.

This is the biggest paycheck I'll ever see in my life. Right, right, right. That's so funny, man. Yeah, the story is such, like I've, I mean, you've been there longer than I have and seen the transformation, but there's something very special about that place, you know? I have become a different person. I have a loyalty problem. If you did something for me substantial at some point, my inner Catholic, Cuban, Indian roots make me very loyal to you. I called certain people who were there certain parts in my life,

and I tell them whenever something good happens because I didn't want to let them down. They were there for me. They covered me at a certain spot in my life. In my life, I have a teacher named Mr. T. I call him first. He did my fucking, you know, sophomore year teacher. I took him to the premiere of fucking something I did, you know,

and I think the longest yard. I mean, he was such an impact on me comically. comic-wise, but there's always been, I say about 12 people, Jim Handy, he got me into comedy, he was a car manager at a car place. That's great. You know, all those people,

I try to call them when something good happens because in the back of my mind, I'm doing something good for them. I want them to be proud of me. I don't give a fuck about anybody else. I don't give a fuck about the Jones. I want them to know what they did for me. It was not in vain.

Yeah. I want them to know. And when Michigan, Mitsy died, you know, it was like Mitzie and Brody, and it was just like a weird thing. Yeah. But it was three debts. Let's be honest. It was the death of me on Netflix.

The death of Mitzie and then the death of Brody. It was three debts. And I say it how it is. I tell you how it is. I was there. I know how I felt when I got off that stage, you know, whatever. I don't care of Netflix is never going to use me again. But it was three deaths and one, but Mitzie's death affected me.

Yeah. Because after she died, I didn't go to a funeral. I didn't want to be around all that. But I did think about what she meant to me. And I said, wow, she changed my whole life because of the store. I mean, I could take it this deep because of the store. I have a daughter. I mean, I met my wife at the store.

I met Jorgon at the store. Right. I met Ari at the store. I met Paul Mooney at the store. I met Eddie Griffin at the store. Right. You know, not to insult anybody. The night I saw you and we had a really good time at the improv a couple weeks ago,

the first time you were hosting. That's the first time I stepped out of the store in a year. Wow. Because after Mitzie died and after my death on Netflix, R-I-P, I fucking... This is how you have to be, though. You have to be able to laugh. You can't live forever thinking that you're a fucking, you know, fucking Johnny funny, you know.

I'm a special bomber. I bomb on specials, but I kill at the original room. You know what I am? Devastate. Yeah. The original room, I'll shoot you down, but I bomb on specials. That's my thing. But it's it.

That's my thing. Some people, next time I shoot a special, I got to call a bomb alert. And I have, like, three Iranians there with long beards and shit. And fucking giving out. Umas chips and shit so they could get the blame. But Mitzie's death fucked me out. Yeah. Because I realized what she had done for me, her Sunday night talks.

You know, I was the holiest. So in between, I would have to go with the list and go, do you want Hayes just to go on? God, no. You know, she would say, I don't want three Schwarzes in a row. Like, I don't want three black guys in a row or three Mexicans in a row. So I would change it up with her. You know? I want three pieces of pussy.

This girl's too pretty. Put her up at the end. Like, she just had the signs. Right. She just had signs. Like, she had done it all before. Just trust what I'm saying to you. You know, and every once in a while, I'm not going to lie to you.

Next week, I want you to dress like Fidel Castro and put a handcuff on. See you next Sunday. You're like, shit. You're like, shit. Oh, okay. You know what I'm saying? I want you to do Latino night and dress up like Ricky Riccardo and get a Gwond and shake her

ass and spank it. She was crazy, you know what I'm saying? Every once in a while she had, but every once in a while she would just say next time you say that joke say that word, even if it's offensive, like shit like that, like fuck them.

Wow. And you're like, really? And she goes, yeah, that's the word that's needed there. White pussy to joke up. Right. And I would go, wow. You know what she called my wife the farmer girl? She called my wife the Farmer girl. She called me.

Why should she do that? Because she was a farmer girl like me. That tough. And she called me fat baby. Fat baby. And then she put my name on the list as fat baby. I still have the schedules in my house. So you got brought up as fat baby?

Fat baby. Wow. So she brought me up as fat baby. They brought me up as Joey Deas, but nobody would know who I was in those days. So she's like, his name is fat baby on the schedule. So it was a fat baby on the schedule. When did you fully ditched the fat baby?

Like how long before? When she stopped coming around. Okay. That's when the name took a death. You're like, ah, like, you just want to wait. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. Listen, call me spick-nigified fucking whatever.

As long as you're giving me six parts a week at the comedy store. Remember, at this time, I didn't go to Montreal. Right. I had fucking Shemuk, his son and his grandfather as an agent. You know, I had fucking Johnny Rotten as a man. Nobody talked to me. Nobody booked me for anything. That's why I started doing movies.

Because they said, I'll figure out going through the back door. You look at my MDB. It's like I got like a 6,000. I'm impeccable on my MDB. I've been shooting shit since 2003 and never stopped. What gave you the foresight or what let you know that that was like the, I guess, backdoor way and I knew they didn't want me for no comedy thing. Nobody wanted to talk to me as far as a comedian.

Nobody. not even fucking shitty C. Lee labels. Wow. I finally a guy by the name of Vic Dunlop, God rest of so. Oh, I remember. Big time, comedy, Mexican, Cuban comic from the store. Big time, 70s, Kennisin, fistfights, Staten, Puerto Ricans, lost his leg in Vietnam. You know, he lost, like, something in Vietnam, like an arm or something.

Nobody knew because he had his shirt on. Real tough guy. Nobody knew because he had a shirt on hysterical. You know, again, here's a guy that if, if I, if I could. got the soprano movie i would have called big dunlop big blenlop was one of those guys that was he was the original cast member of richard prize show you know like one of those guys he'd been snort coke at the store with elaine boozler and all those crazy motherfuckers i mean he had stories forever he had like this little side company in vegas if i have an album i call the blue album it's me

with two chicks on the cover that's who put that cd out got he gave you the first chance they would pay like $7 a minute. So I just did like 2,000 minutes. Like they were back there with flares. They had lights giving me fucking sirens. I wouldn't get off. I'm the $7 a minute. Watch me go, motherfucker.

And then he called me. He's like, we kept like 58 minutes. Woo! I was on the fucking calculator. I was like, so they paid you on minutes. They gave you an advance like $750. Yeah. They paid you on minutes.

and then every truck stop you go to the country. The CD was there. The CD was there. They make that money. Now they're really pushing it. And now I'm not mad at them. I won't help them push it because they won't pay me anymore. Sure.

But they did give me a start. That was my first formal CD. They did a photo shoot. It was a craziest thing because it was like, I taped it. They did a photo shoot and they stopped answering my calls for six months. Hello? Hello. Nobody would call me.

What? Then one day in the mail I got a box of a hundred of them. And they were like, good luck. That's it. You'll never see another dime again. You could sell them at the show. Because that's what they gave me 100 of them to sell them at the show. Do you know how many I sold out of those 100?

How many? Two. I threw the rest away. Really? I didn't have the heart. I took them out one time in La Jolla. And I needed Coke money really bad. Uh-huh.

And I'm like, please. What were you selling them for? Ten. Ten. And some guy came and gave me $40. Wardy is the magical member Take them all Take them

If you think I'm going to stand back here And sell these things I don't give a fuck if you take them across You can get $2 a piece And then I found the guy on sunset Yeah By They do pizza

On Curzon Sierra Bonit and Sunset Gaucho Not Gaucho Oh The Italian place Yeah Kind of Italian

Next door of that. Okay. Was his... Mebo? Yeah, Cheebo. Cheebo. Next door to Cheebo. Like in 98, there was this little, like, half-retard guy who went a nine patch. He wasn't all there.

Something happened to him. So, like, 99 or something, I walked by one day. He's like, hey, you, he's not ever made a class. He goes, come here, give me your autograph, aren't you, the guy from the Sopranos? And I'm like, and then I tried to be my mom. I go, maybe. You know, my favorite big pussy gave me a hug. He goes, what else do you do?

I'm a comedian. He goes, nah, really? He goes, you got anything to sell? So I went home. And I went back to this thing and I got these CDs. And he goes, well, I usually take these on consignment, but you're a Hollywood star. I give you like $5 a piece.

He took like $50 a little bit. And $5 a piece, and I'm like, I'm never walking this side of the street again. Because somebody's going to come in there. here and he's gonna tell him this the guy from the Sopranos and they're gonna go that's not the fucking guy with the Sopranos. So he was he's like come back in six months we'll sell him for 15 and we'll split it down the middle but I'll give you five up front he caught me like a check I went to the bank and fucking they cashed on my who ooh done then he went out of business and I never heard from him again so that was a check that took him under it's like shit

these are the things for that money bro I took him for that man I was I didn't have the balls to sell CDs afterwards. But Victor Lop was one of those guys that, you know, Rogan is one of those guys. And when something good happens, I have to call him. Friday, I knew he was in Vegas. I knew he was getting ready for the Wayne.

Yeah. And I called him, he answered. We must have talked to something about stand-up for, like, 35 minutes. Yeah. But it's a free-for-all. that I was listening to Ted Nugent free-for-all. And I'm like, we're doing comedy right now. It's a free-for-all.

Because I don't really give a fuck. Like, I don't really give a fuck. All I want to do is have a great hour when I go on the road. Right. That's it. I don't care about a spashole. I don't care about nothing. I just want to lay it on them.

I just want them to leave and go, Jesus Christ, where'd that fucking old man get all that energy from? He's lying to us. He's doing blow. You know, but I'm not. I'm just going up there, just giving it to you. biting into your fucking neck.

That was all from Mitsy's death. Once Metsy died, it took me about a month to realize what she had done for me and what I had to do for her now in her honor. I have to do something for her. And my job is to be a Comedy Store Marine. I'm that sniper that has to fucking kill you.

You're the guy I call, and there's eight of them up there at the Comedy Store that she created and built around, Sebastian, you know, there was a lot of guys that she really guided. She made snipers out of them. Right. And we're like the last guys that come in to fucking shoot your head off. Like, when we come in, that guy's dying.

Right. One of these eight guys is going to take his head off, so we're good here. Right. Like, that's how funny and consistent I want to be. Like, my whole mind has to be turned to funny. Like, I don't even have time to get sad no more. Right. If I get sad about something, I flip it.

then to a fucking joke. Like, that's how serious I have. Ever since she died, it did something to me. It was like my mother dying. Yeah. Because at the end of the day, she replaced my mother at some point in my life.

That comedy store is your family. Yeah. The night I fell at the comedy store, the pain I had in my leg, you know, the thoughts about the two weeks I had to cancel, and, you know, I can't lift. Nothing compared to the overwhelming love I got that night.

From the employees there, how they picked me up, and they fucking girls were fucking carrying me, and they moved my car over, and they called. The next day they sent soup, it made me realize I'm part of something. I'm really part of something that's big. It's big. It's so big that it overwhelms me still after 22 years. Like, I don't take the comedy store for granted.

I'm 56, and I'm still getting spots at the fucking store. Right. Suck my dick. Right. So when I go to San Luis, Kansas City, fucking Fresno next year, Baker's Field, I'm representing the comedy store.

That's it. I don't want to sell T-shirts. I don't want to sell CDs after a show. Mitzie didn't like none of that shit. Mitsy didn't like selling food. Yeah, she didn't push for the food for a long time. She didn't push the food forever.

Just drags. People can't laugh if they have food in their mouth. She lost money. so you could have a better show. A pure comedy establishment. Do you understand me? You know, so that's why when people go to me, you're leaving so much money on the table,

not bringing somebody and giving them $10 an hour. Why don't want to do that? I don't want nobody to be a fucking shirt salesman, okay? That's number one. I'm not turning anybody into a shirt salesman. I'm not disrespecting a comic for damn sure and making them a shirt salesman. If I have to sell these shirts,

I have to go out there. And that takes energy away from me for the people who pay $25 or $35 for the second show. You know what? Let's eliminate the shirts and let's give them the best show I could give them. If they want to sell a shirt, call my wife. My wife will sell you whatever.

Enough money, my wife will give you a picture of a pussy with me autographed. You know what I'm saying? Off of my wife, 800 for a picture of a pussy with an autograph from Joey D. My wife will do it. She don't give a phone. It comes in black and white, too.

We got full color, all of it. Lisa, I'm ashamed of you. Why? You never told me that Misha Tate had nude pictures. I didn't know. I'm a fan of the podcast sent me nude pictures. You have to see her little busy. Before she was pregnant or after?

I don't know. It was delicious. It looks like you would go walk past a bakery and look at a cupcake. Yeah. And go, that's motherfucker. Take a look at it. Push it in and show fucking Haysus trailer. You're going to die.

go. You're going to die. Somebody sent me the link and they go, Joey, did you see these? I almost fell backwards off my shirt. There's a picture of her laying backwards and her pussy is shaved. And it's just laying there. And you ever walk past like a bakery and look at the donut and go, wow.

That's a pretty fucking donut. It's the same thing. Pretty donut. Her pussy looks so turn on the screen face. I have to find it first. Google. Misha tape, nude.

Google it and spell Mishit with a capital. and Tate and make sure you spelled nude with a capital. So I don't think rude. I never saw nothing like that mind. Yeah. Top knots. Some guy sent it to me a messenger. I don't get messenger all the time. I don't get messenger but what? Top shelf? No, no, no.

Wait till you see this one picture of a pussy. Not this one. Not this one with the gougots. Look at this Lee. Lee, look at this. You're going to whack. Lee's turning red already. Oh, yeah. I already would Marked it. Yeah. Keep scrolling.

Forget this. Keep going up. Forget all these. Look at the one on the far right. Look at that fucking cake. Look at that. Can you imagine walking by and seeing that little sand dab looking at you? Tell me you not going to stick your tongue in the end go.

Fucking submit me, you dirty bitch. Look at it. I love Misha. No disrespect. You have a, if Misha, if you're listening, you have a fucking tremendous little pop-dart. That is some beautiful little pussy. Look at this guys. Look at this.

Got hair on it. Yeah. It's not on the video version. We're taking down. The video version? No, yeah. You think YouTube lets this stuff up? Oh, I didn't know.

Then take it down. Look at that. Look at that picture. That I don't like. I don't like. That's too real. You don't like that? No, I see like a foot.

I can smell it. I don't like it. Look at the ass. Look at it. Farton. That's he's farting. Look at it. Tremendant.

Fucking beautiful. I never saw it. I would never even disrespect. Misha Tate. I do a podcast. I do her radio show the once in a while so somebody just sent me this

like hey man you do her radio show did you see these nudes when I saw that as Uncle Joy would say tremendous did you see a little crumb bun that little crumb bun

that little crumb bun you're walking behind in your business you're thinking about going on vacation yeah yeah you're looking you were stopping a bakery window and you're like man that fucking apple turnover looks good

but mama's making meatloat fuck on love fuck Oh, man A little digit on a bear claw Monday morning Right now people Rises in the cubicle

They didn't get no pussy on Monday Fuck it Go download it on your phone Back one out in the bathroom You come out with sticky fingers Next thing you know the T sticks You know what I say? You've been jerk on so much

The T sticks on your computer It don't even It's capital T's for a year Everybody's name is a T T T T T T T T Tee Tee Tee You got a copy and paste Have it on the clipboard Because you can't push The button.

Ah. Oh, man. How is you shooting a Showtime special? When does that get released, do you think? Showtime special. It should be like the end of first quarter next year. So I think like March, end of March. Okay.

You're excited about it? I'm excited, man. This is a big dream come true. I mean, since I started comedy, that was like, you know, you dream of having a special. And, you know, it came a little earlier than I expected, you know, 13 years then. I thought maybe it was going to be a little later, but it's like, I'm happy it's here. 13 years.

It takes your seventh to become an attorney. Right. But, you know, it's like it takes a while to find your voice, and it was just like, all right, well, I can't pass up the opportunity. I gave it my best shot. I would go down to the WeWork spot. I got a little WeWork community space, the cheap thing. I would go down there.

People would leave the office after five, so I get to use all the whiteboards, and I'd write up the whole set from left to right, the whole thing. And just to get ready before every weekend. I do that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday before every weekend I would go on the road to get ready. And I just broke it down 20 minutes at a time. And I just took it very serious. There's nothing fucking getting in the way.

It's so crazy. Nothing got in the way, man. It's so crazy how I lived in a building in 2001. I lived in Ralph and Maine. I lived with Ralph and Maine and a bunch of people in this building. they would have little parties and stuff. And I never really, like I said to myself, I didn't come here to go to parties.

Right. I didn't come here to go to barbecues. I came here to basically get on fucking stage. What's that? That's me. I would just write the whole fucking thing down. It looks like a beautiful mind sort of thing. I would get obsessive, man.

He was like fucking Matt Damon in that movie about Boston. When he does the math work. Oh, yeah, yeah. With the suicide kid, with Robert Williams. Whatever's fucking names. Goodwill hunting. The suicide kid. Oh, my goodness.

It's Monday morning, people. And Monday morning, wake up, y'all. You got nine fucking shoplifting days left. And I can't make a fucking off-color joke about suicide boy number one. But yeah, showtime special coming out soon. The name of it is a stay-at-home son. Catch that, bro. What is it?

Stay at home son. Stay at home son. Yeah. You're tight with your father. Yep. Tight with my mom and dad, you know. You live with them still? Yeah.

You're bad motherfucker. You saved on rent. You said, fuck this bitch. No, no. Thank you. Thank you for listening to Uncle Joey. I've been telling people forever listen. Do me a favor.

There's nothing out there. I wish I could help you. I wish I could top the... I wish I'd give you better advice. If you're a mother and father... If your mother and father is still alive, go over there one day to eat and tell me you want to look at the basement. You think you're looking for a trophy and just paint it, put a bed down there and move in.

Just time I'm moving in. They're going to argue. You cannot move in. We told you you're a grown man. I don't give a fuck. You're not getting me out either. Mark, come here. Let me talk.

I'll give you this. I'll help you do the laundry. I'll do this for you. I won't put no hose in this motherfucker. You know, I always respect. You know. Move home with your parents. Save the fucking 1800.

It's no fun having a roommate. And trust me, living with a bitch, bitch ain't no funny either. She's a broke bitch. You'll end up paying double. She's always fucking broke. She can't pay the phone bill. Mind your business.

Fuck chicks and cars and live with your parents. And the cars. Yeah. That's the move, huh? That's the move. Just fuck them in cars, probably bathrooms. You're moving with your parents, bro.

you'll find the way to fuck people outside and they'll go for it. Yeah, yeah. You get creative. When you need pussy and you live with mom, you'll fuck the bitch under the garage. You understand me? Like, why not take some of that money you save to get a hotel for one night? Because you're too cheap. You're living like a doctor.

My mom fucking turns that pillow shit up at me. My mom was still alive and have like a little bell next to me. When I get in bed at night, I just ring it. She puts the blanket over me and Sanacolito Rana. She Cessano,

seana mania. You know what I'm saying? Isn't that weird? Live with your fucking parents. Do not leave. There's nothing out there. I want to go to California. Listen,

you know what California is? 1800 for a studio apartment. Plus utilities. I want to go to New York. Yeah, you're going to get, what's your budget? 1800.

That's three rats in a one bedroom. No, that's three rats in Brooklyn in a studio apartment and a basement apartment and you're going to freeze. Stay at home with your money.

I don't care if you live in Iowa, Dubuque, Montana. Stay there, build your own little comedy community. If you build it, they'll come. Yep, that's real. Look at all these comedy festivals everywhere. If you build it, they'll come. Comedy is alive and kicking. Comedy scenes everywhere.

You know, everybody wants to do this and get themselves in a fucking predicament. And you know what? This career is tough enough. You're right. Comedy is tough enough. So anything you could cut out of your life, will give you keep low-head low.

Low overhead so you could live on 900 a month. You know, when 900's like, and you're living like, what's the guy on Gilligan's Island? The Howls, remember they were rich? Oh, the rich. Yeah. Mumfey, you know. When you make 900, you call them bitches Mumfrey.

That's what you know. You know what I'm saying? Like your tax returns, like I made 9,600. Or you do show up and they'll give you food stamps. Right. But you're living at home with mom. So you're like, I don't need no food stamps. 9,600, my car's bought and paid for.

You got one of those old Toyotas. You've driving by sound. You know, you got the general, general, general, $60 a month. You just got basic coverage. $30 a month, a dollar a day. You got a dollar a day. You got a lot of day. You got basic, basic coverage.

Yeah, man. You know, it's weird. Stay at home. I don't give a fuck. Don't tell me about your style. And if I can move to New York. I'm going to have a stage time. Yeah, you're going to live with three fucking stinky.

And one of them is not going to have the rent every month. Right. Stay at home. Comedy does teach you that. I will say it makes you really smart with your money. It teaches you how to keep your overhead low, low, low. Because you know, they're nothing. You know what I used to do?

Well, I still had my 24-hour fitness, but I knew that I needed a gym membership and you pay the extra $10 to get it at $45 a month. I would fly in to do colleges. So there's a 24-hour fitness near every major airport in the country. That's a fact, right? So you fly in to whatever Kansas City. You're about to go do a gig somewhere. You go in there, you take your morning deuce, workout, shower, go do the gig.

You come back. You spend an extra $10 on the rental of the vehicle. So it's like an SUV. You can sleep in there. You go back to the gym, workout, shower up. You returned that and you just saved yourself a buck 50 on a hotel. I mean, I used to, 24-hour fitnesses were my go-to. You were broke, but you were in shape like a motherfucker.

Back then, you're broke, a little boy. I used to live in an office and I had no shower. Yeah. So I had to join the gym. Yeah. And I'm a clean dude. I'm on them two shower minimum a day. Yeah, yeah.

Never mind three. But I just wouldn't go in there and shower. You just can't go in there and go to shower. You got to play it off a little bit. So you got to do something. You got on the bicycle. Yes, I would hit the punching bag in the morning. I would hit the punching bag in the morning and lift weights at night.

Right. You know, and then take a shower and they had Q-tips of one of those gyms. Yeah, yeah. Q-tips, blow dryer. Malfors. You open deodorant. There's like a dead hair on there. You take it off with toilet paper.

The daily double, baby. And then you would steal, like, shaving cream. Like, they would leave like that. The really good, fucking shaving cream edge. the one that was green and I turn a different color. I used to rob Edge from that gym on a constant guy. We'd date the guy would go, we got up on a camera back there.

Somebody keeps the only edge. How much shaving cream do you need? Dog, when you're a comic, you take everything. Just in case. Dog, I remember I ain't going to say the dude's name. He's a millionaire today. I used to remember doing a gig with him for a weekend. And every time we'd go to eat,

he'd steal every package of sugar. That's great. Every type. The cancer sugar, the blue pack, the pink pack, and the regular sugar and the brown cane sugar. Just in case. When you're on the road, you have everything in your trunk. Yeah?

When my car got towed, my apartment, the one I lived in Hollywood, when I would sleep in the car and the shower at Ralphie Mays, everything was in there. Everything that would be necessary in case an emergency. Flares, the pliers. a frisbee, a basketball, a football,

I had a towel for the window, had a pillow, you know, a set of changing clothes, blankets, and you have them tucked away perfectly. I mean, there is so much shit in your trunk that if you take it, I mean, it's perfect. You know, whatever the efficiency of the car had, you always prepared for it.

I had a car that the radiator would blow. Okay. So I would have to put those capsules in the radiator and sit tight for a half hour and then start the car and it wouldn't leak anymore would plug the radiators. Right, they would have the little shavings in there.

Yeah. Yeah. So you just learn all these math things, and you learn about overhead. Yeah? And you start, I mean, I think I still have the notebook from like 98 when I was homeless. I mean, I wouldn't even file for taxes. I mean, I didn't file for taxes from 91 to 2003. And then I went down there, and I told them the truth, and they gave me a number, and I paid it all.

They do, because you only go back seven years. Okay. So they don't give a fuck. If you make $300,000 in one year, but they'll find you. Oh, they'll find you. Yeah. Their books are tight.

Their books are tight. They got eyes everywhere. But you really do learn that I'm getting, I'm picking up $500 this week. Right. That's what I'm picking up for, you know. There's some clubs that are still paying features, 75 bucks.

Mm-hmm. That's real. But you knew exactly where that money was going to go, you know? it's like even on the road it's like even if I wasn't staying at one of the nice hotels that you would stay at when you were like featuring and you're doing a one-nighter

you keep your hotel cards you know walking and stroll in at like 7.30 in the morning a little holiday end get your little continental breakfast get the fuck out of there yeah I mean with a muffin in your pocket and a yo-in-in-you-in-you- Oh yeah yeah you got the paper underneath your arm

yeah I'm just waiting for a... You got them all under your thing and you're coming through the back yeah so you watch for somebody to go out the back door and you come right in and you walk to the front yeah he's staying here yeah if they ask like most times didn't ask because they can't you know i mean but you're there and in cases like are you are you a guest here yeah absolutely um how's your day going you know real friendly uh um great oh sorry have a great day i got nailed one time no way yeah it only goes up to 400 that's what they let me eat uh-huh they let me eat older and they let me get nice and

manager came home and he goes what's your last name i go diaz he goes mackenzie in 631 are you sure that's your rule number let me see your key this had this was at a marriott like those i forget what it's called i got married at one of those those marriott it wasn't a marquee it's the those extended stay joints yeah like one of those there's one in boulder i got married that marry a courtyard Oh, courtyard. Courtyard. Okay, yeah. It was all those where they nailed me.

I still remember being one behind. I still remember living behind one in Detroit. Wow. And the guy was, because after a while, you, like I said, the universe takes K. Okay, so you go to the gig. You know, like I told Lee, some nights you go to a gig, you pull up on a Thursday,

you get in there and the guy says to you, where are you going to stay? I don't know, I'm going to find the hotel after this. Don't worry about it. My mom's got a basement. Come on over there. Let's go eat. You're like, what?

But sometimes, you know, two out of 52 weeks, you're going to go somewhere and nobody's going to talk to you after the show. Right. And you're like, I got $125. The room is 80. What's the play here? What's the play here? I got a gig tomorrow night.

I could live it in a car. I ain't that cold out. I could go get a nice steak. Yeah. Maybe you go get something night. You know, like, and I'm not talking about a nice steak. I'm talking about a sizzler steak. Right, right.

You can still smell it with your hair on it. Like, he got his hair is from his leg. A norm steak. Yeah, like a norm steak. Like, you can go get one of those. Then you go back to your car. Like, I still remember all those times. Like, yeah.

I remember one time we were on the road. It was, again, Kyle, Carl, Ray and I, so we stop in Boulder, Colorado, right? We got no money. Which, by the way, we didn't even have money in Chicago to get through the toll road. You know how you throw the change in the bad? We're digging in the cushions. I mean, we're throwing at it to see if it opens. Just penny here.

Finally, it opens. We're like, we're good. We do the gig. Now we have money, right? So we got a hotel room. And then I think it was going to be our second day. We're really tired. He's like, hey, man, I'd like to, you know, go at a hotel or some rest out.

We can shower, blah, blah. We'll split it. Great. $80 bucks, you know, for the room. He finds his spot on his phone. We go in there and the guy, you know, smoking a cigarette inside. sketchy sketchy spot so we get the room for 80 bucks we go around back we go in there we open the door there's a dog in there there's some like swim flippers on the ground and there's a lit

cigarette and an ashtray in the room Kyle loses it he's like what the fuck is it he slams the door we go downstairs like hey man you gave us a room and there's a dog in there he's like what the fuck there's no dogs allowed here it's like oh you're worried about dogs there's other shit going on here you're worried about a dog and he's like uh well well we can give you give you another room he's like I want my money back he's like no refunds man he's like you motherfucker cusses him out so he gives us another room we stay the night and he's looking at these reviews and one of the reviews was hey look underneath the bed there's uh one time I found a used needle full on needle above us and we're like looking we didn't find anything but it was bad

the doors did not lock right and he was like you know, upset. So we shower up, we get ready, we sleep with our clothes on because this place is so sketchy. If shit happens, you know, we're covering ourselves with the blanket, feet out, just in case you got to jump up. And he was so scared. He's like, the door doesn't lock.

I'm like, fuck, let's just sleep. We put a door up against the door handle of the door. I'm like, look, if somebody opens the door, this thing will tip back or make enough noise, we'll pop out of bed. So we just sleep. We're fucking in our clothes. He's in his bed.

in my bed. We sleep. Sixth or morning in the morning, Uncle Joey. Six 30 in the morning. The chair. Boom, boom, boom. We're both on our feet. Wait, what the fuck? Kyle runs to the door because it doesn't close, but you put the little chain on there. So it opened up this much. And if they would have pushed a little bit, that thing would have came right to fuck out, right? So Kyle runs to the door and the doors open this, this much. He just starts yelling. I don't know what he's yelling. He's just like, whiz, kind of barking through the thing. And you just hear a step, that, da, da, da. And And he like opens it and we pulled pop out. It was a cleaning lady.

Poor little cleaning lady. He's like, let's get the fuck out of here, man. We're already dressed. We just got her bags, got in the car, kept driving. But that was the most miserable stay ever. And Boulder. Boulder, Colorado, man. I wonder what the fuck you stay.

It was a little motel off the, yeah, off the road somewhere. It was, it was bad. And he's like, man, that was a worst $80 spent. But we paid 40 apiece. It was crazy, man. But those stories are great. I, you know, what you explain to people is that all those stories involve problem solving. They involve problem solving and disappointment.

Lots of it, yeah. So once you get that 25 times in two years, once you get deeper into this, they don't see them as bad as what they really are. Right. You know, like, I lost an eye. Well, fuck it. Last week, I lost an ear. You know, like, right.

You're not surprised by any. You're not surprised by anything no more. And that's what I explain to people. That journey toughens your skin. All that stuff, toughens your skin. You know, you get to a place. Sorry, there's only one room. You have to stay in the room with the feet.

You go in there, that fucking his feet stink. He's smoking Marlboro Reds. You go to your car, you know? You're going to fight with the kid tell them not to smoke or whatever. All that stuff toughers you up for later. Right. When that movie guy tells you,

no, you didn't get the movie. Right. You know, all those little things, because they're big things. When you're starting comedy, and you look at the itinerary, and you've got to drive 12 hours in between gigs, you're like...

For a $100 spot, you're like, I'll do it, but fuck. Fuck. Well, all these things prepare you for later, for the disappointment later. So the disappointment isn't that intense on you. Yeah. And that's the difference going back to the thing. It's like a lot of comments are posthified, you know, like you were saying.

It's like when somebody's like, hey, man, you know, your spot got canceled at or or you're going up at 1.30 in the morning. Like, fuck. It's like, really? That's what you're choosing to get upset about. I'm not going to lie to anybody. Yeah. I got upset one time at the store. Like, there was one time when things weren't going great.

Yeah. And I got really frustrated. And I go, fuck. I got to wait because I. think it was a one o'clock spot like I was so used to 1245 1230 now it's one o'clock fuck and I go you know I think I'm just going to stop calling up here and they said right now take that take a billboard not a billboard like a chalkboard uh-huh and put it up outside and tell them you have a 115 spot at the store and you don't want to do it see how many people sign up and I was like I get it toochet yeah

And that was the last time I complained about time. You're there. You're there. Yeah. You're there. That's great. Yeah. Okay.

You're a comic. You're not supposed to be home until two or three anyway. Two or three anyway. If you're getting home, you're not doing it, right? Two or three anyway, because you and you guys got to go on need afterward and talk. Right. But what happened. Yeah.

You bombed tonight. No, I didn't. That joke worked. Fuck you. No? That's part of. That's part of the gig. The gig.

Yeah. That's part of the night. What was your go-to spot after a show? Like where you would like meet it with when I first got here. Yeah. What was the hot spot? The hot spot after the show. Santa Monica and Fairfax past the acting school.

In the middle, there's a 7-Eleven and there used to be a little fucking Photoshop place. That's what the security hut is. But in there there is a Mexican restaurant. Where the key shop? Yes. Okay, I know exactly. It's a gas station's right there now. Right.

Yeah. But there's a Mexican spot there. Now it's really bad, I think. Okay. But when you're a regular in the beginning, and that 15 is fucking gold, our big thing was to go down there and sit there to three. And the Mexican lady would chase us out.

And that's how I got fat. I would sit there and she had like grape juice. And she would give me unlimited. Like I drink 12 grape juices. I just drank 25 Coca-Cola's at the store. Yeah. You know, I just really drank 19. at the store with a lime in it.

Last night? No, no. This is no day. Oh, sure is. Yeah. You know, that was part of the, that was part of the, so we would go there. I was never a norms guy.

If Rogan would take us out to eat, we'd go to the standard. Oh, shit. And get the blue cheese burger. Oh, that sounds great. Fucking delicious. But Rogan had to take you there. That's when Rogan was like, you want for a hamburger, and you'd act like you weren't hungry?

No. No. No. I'm okay. Rogan were like, he hungry? No, no. The son, no, yeah, it's like, nah, no. And then sometimes he found somebody to go with him,

and you're like, fuck. I just miss out of a fucking free me up. Because some fucking guy would say, yeah. But if he really wanted you to go, he'd go, come on. Just sit with me and talk with me. You're like, oh, okay, I'll go. And the waitress will come. You want to mend you?

I mean, while you're dying inside. You can't wait for. and bring chips with salsa or something. Yeah, yeah. You're looking at the waitress's fingers. You're like, I'm fucking dying here. What about the first time somebody took you to dinner

and you were broke? And you didn't know. You're looking at those numbers? You assume that they're going to pay for dinner because they're a big time headlining. And you're sitting there going, oh. And they're like, order, order. And you're like, okay, I'll get the steak.

And you're sitting there going, I hope. He doesn't give me the fucking check and make me split this. those are the worst I remember when I got the longest yard before they gave it to me they called me and they said we want to meet you at the

Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills guys I had like eight dollars in my pocket I get their valet is 20 it's fucking June and it's 98 degrees

it's one of those days like I have two horrible audition or meeting memories. That was one of them. When I got there and they're like, 20 to park. I'm like 20. And I went in my pocket and I had eight

and I had a bunch of quarters and I go, I'll be right back. Let me go to the ATM. What a fucking ATM? There was no ATM, man. I just went to some fucking place and found two hour parking. Yeah.

And had to walk to the meeting. And by the time I got there, I mean, I was dressed and sweat. I was sitting in a hallway. And they're like, what are you here for? You know, it's a fucking four season. I'm walking in there with Big Daddy sweat gear on that they sent this for free.

Every fact that I in town had Big Daddy gear. Steve Simone knew the company guy. So every fat fuck had Big Daddy. That's how I, when they sent me a box of clothes, I'm like, I don't need to buy clothes for a year. Yeah. I wore Big Daddy shirts, underwear, swept there, and they were thick. Yeah. So your ball sweat, your ass sweat.

Oh, man. It was that black valour. Oh, yeah. And I'll never forget walking in there. And they're like, eat. And I got the lobster ravioli. I'll never forget this at the four seasons. I'm looking for Sebastian.

And Sebastian ain't there. Just in case I can borrow 20 from Sebastian. You know what I'm saying? Like 40. I don't know what the bunch was. Yeah. And it was Adam, Chris, and Peter Siegel. And they're like, eat, munge.

And I'm like, okay. And the whole time I'm like, I hope they don't go four ways. I hope they don't go four ways on this track. Because I got $8. And when I saw Adam pick it up, the heartburn went away. They're like, have some cheesecake. I'm like, that's another $22. I'm going to be washing dishes.

Where's Sebastian? I'm looking for Sebastian because he was a waiter then. Yeah, yeah. So I'm looking for Sebastian. Like, Sebastian, listen, if it goes under, can we put this on a tab? I can pay you tonight or something? Like, that's how petrify that was. There was no Sebastian.

And another time, right after 9-11, they changed the whole Sony thing. Okay. It used to be that you have an audition in front of a gate 11. They would let you drive. After 9-11, they made you go that way park and then walk back. Yeah. And it was Spider-Man 2. It was April.

It was 95 degrees. And there I am with a sweatshirt with a black big daddy valour warm-up suit on. And I'm 390. 390 pounds and I could feel the sweat dripping down my back and my ass I can feel the sweat of my back mixing with the leftover shit and my ass when your ass gets spicy you ever have like that spicy ass? You're like why is my ass?

Why is my ass on fire? And you wipe your ass and there's still a little shit on the paper little residue on your thing? Yeah like oh my god fucking horrendous Treyho I want to thank you for being for doing what you're doing. I want to congratulate you on being a regular.

I want to congratulate on your work. Thank you, John. I appreciate it, man. I thank you for... When I got the call that you were doing videos for these guys, I was very happy because people don't understand that it's this simple. Keep doing what you're doing.

And then, you see a conveyor belt. You see, like, a toy story or whatever. It's like Detroit. All of a sudden, one day, you actually fall under the conveyor belt. I don't know how many times that conveyor belt has to go around before you get off. That's your decision.

It's your decision when you get on the conveyor belt and it's your decision. Once you're on the conveyor belt, that does not mean you're in bad shape. That means you're Dean Delray, your Hazard's trail, you Kate Quigley, you're Steve Simone.

You know, I still remember Renizzi when he got 20. fucking screen test and couldn't book a TV show. He was on the conveyor belt. You're on the conveyor belt. You did the work to get into the comedy store. You did the work to get into the improv.

You did the work to get into the laugh factor. You did the work to get a manager to hire you. You did all that work. Now you're on the conveyor belt. That conveyor belt could go for eight years or it could go for 12 years. The rest is up to you.

For me, that conveyor belt took like 17 years because I was a fucking addict. It was fat. I didn't give a fuck, you know. So it took longer than others. For some people, it could be three years. For some people, they hit three years, they got an HBO special. They get cocky, and then they get back on the conveyor belt. And now they're on that conveyor belt for 10 years.

They got to pay that due on the conveyor belt. So just because you got a little success and you fell off the conveyor belt didn't mean. You know what I'm saying? I fell off the conveyor belt. belt six years ago and I had to go back on after the RIP Netflix and I had to go back on the conveyor belt and then I had to decide when I got off the conveyor belt again what did I have to do to get off the conveyor belt this is what needs to be done boom now I'm off the fucking conveyor belt you did that you got on the conveyor belt congratulations it took you how many years

13 okay now you're in the conveyor belt now you decide when you get off. And it's hard work, and it takes one person to see you. Right? You're at the store, you're up there, 1.30. Your girlfriend dumped you. Your mother's shoulder, she slipped, she broke.

You're on stage, you get off. Chappelle's going on. He tells you not to leave. You sit through his three-hour fucking set. Then he tells you you're doing the North American tour with him. You're doing 23 nights. Right. Your life could change in that.

That quick of a thing, yeah. So now you've got the 23 nights with Chappelle. So now you have to think about it. It's not just 23 nights with Chappelle. You're going up in front of the cream of the fucking crop audiences that are paying $100-something to see Chappelle. Your goal is to retain 5% of that audience every night. Now you have a new dilemma.

You're always set with dilemmas. You're always set with dilemmas. It's not really an accomplishment. It's an accomplishment and wrapped. around a move. You know, Rogan's going to take you out now for a year. That's 10,000 people

weekend are going to see you in an arena. If you can retain 5% of that, it's 500 people. Next time you do an imprint. Now you call an improv and say, let me get one night. Out of those 500 people to one of them, their pussies are hurting.

They can't make it. But 300 will show up. You just started. your fucking career with 300 people. Wow. And there it is and that. That's all it is. And this all applies to everything. This is not just comedy. When we talk about this, we say

comedy. This applies to every actual life. Whether you're attorney, a carpenter, you're a union carpenter. You fall into the conveyor belt. You get to work every day. You stay an hour late. You work the overtime. You work Saturdays. When do you get made a foreman?

The same fucking thing. Right. The same fucking thing. And what happens is for comedy, like my religion is comedy, for some people their religion is art, like Genica Jones. For some people, their religion is accounting,

like Bob Lillian. Lillings. You know, everybody has their own religion. They believe in. It puts a roof over your head, and you believe in it, and you get better at it every day that you do it. You know, you're on the conveyor.

Congratulations, bro. Thank you so much. What is the taco show? Come out. Start airing. So Tacos Con Toe comes out on Complex. The trailer is going to drop end of February. I mean, end of January, and it should be out January.

And it's going to be just, you know, comedy going around L.A. And looking at some of the best taco spots out here and really diving into the history. It's done in the right way. And there's some great people behind it. Justin Bolus has been putting his all into this project. And also, I'm very grateful for people like you took time out of your busy schedule. How much can we laugh?

It wasn't tough for me. Oh, I couldn't read. You and Shab fucking died. Oh, man. I was telling you earlier, that's when I knew I had to quit smoking cigarettes because I was laughing so hard. Just, I mean, you were going on one of these amazing rants and I was laughing so hard, I couldn't catch my breath.

There was a hot two minutes where I'm like, I'm going to die right now. That story I told is the truth. Right now I got four flies and a weed thing. And I put holes in it. And I feed them weed. And every once in a while I take a shit and it doesn't hit the water. Yeah.

I take like a piece of stick. And I put shit in their little can so they survive in an habitat. But they're eating weed most of the time. I cut one wing off to give them like a little, I'm like a half of Hitler. Like I cut one wing off. You know what I'm saying? I got my own little private flyer. It's for me.

Fuck those. Can I tell you something, Lee? Please. I saw Joey move like Mr. Miyagi. There was a fly on the table. He's looking at it. He puts his hand up, just waits like two, three seconds, goes, pah. And you think because he has big hands, you think like they would fly away.

He does. He gets like Mr. Miyagi. I killed him. Bro for my life. I hate flies all my life. She got him. You guys have to see the episode once it comes out. But, I mean, I was.

was blown away how quick you were. Oh, I hate flies. That's my left hand. You got to see my right hand. The right. The flies. And sometimes I scoop up out of the air. A couple weeks ago, a possum died in my wall.

Okay. Dog, I had 300 flies in my house. No. That would gather around the window. And I just sit there for about an hour and let them gather. Like, they all, they were in a fistful of them? Sunbathing, like fucking parking. Like, they're mingling.

And my wife has a fly swather. She's an amateur. She's over there. point that Adam I said watch what's the master work I got I went and got a book that bent Oh okay I started taking eight of them out of the row not the first edition The great Freddie Soto had a joke that his father with step on roaches and he would leave him there Oh yeah that's a warning to tell the other flies that we don't fuck around in this house that's right Yeah, I said at least sweep them up no no no no no leave him there that way so I'm not fucking

around and they got for the point that every I go how many more days are we going to have flies And she's like, two more, because they took the possum out. And then the gnats turn into fly. I don't fucking know the whole scientific fucking whatever. For four or five days, bro, I must have killed 50 flies a day. Just going after them, pop, pop, pop. I would walk in, close the door, make believe I was going into the kitchen. And I come back with that book flying out.

I'm like, fucking Greenheart. What's his name? Braveheart? Braveheart. Greenhart. I don't fucking know. I would be smacking on. Pop, pop.

And they would go down four at a time. And then I'd step on them, you dirty bastards. And then I'd sweep them outside. Once that were half alive, I'd take a half a wing off and burn them. You ever light them on fire. No, never. I don't give a fuck. Just a stack of a fire of America.

I'll say Peter's going to be upset with us. Fuck Peter. They would suck my dick, too. Anyway, you have any of a website? They can go out and see you. Yes, I've got me. Yeah. Jesus trejo.com.

My Instagram at Hasus Trego, number one. Twitter at Jesus Trejo. Where are you for New Year's? I'm going to be at the Ontario Improv doing both shows, so please come out. No shit. Yeah, and I'm doing the weekend at Sacramento Punchline. This coming weekend, I'm doing Thursday one show, Friday, 2, Saturday, 2, and Sunday I'm back home. So please go check that out.

I will love nothing more to see you guys there. How's that, Hazel's Trail. Thank you again for being a gentleman. Thank you, guys. Thank you, being a hard worker. Thank you for being. Thank you for what you do, man. A true Mexican.

And, you know, Mexicans don't break that back. You can throw a Mexican off a roof. You ever see a Mexican with a broken back? Never. They don't exist. You ever see a Mexican with a Jew gold chain and neck brace? Never. They ain't got time for one.

You never see a fucking Mexican with a Jewish gold chain. That's what they call. Oh, that's what they call it. The neck brace. I don't know who they're going. You've never seen a fucking Mexican walking down the street with a neck brace saying, Aesu, I sue. No, they don't still know about it.

They ain't got time to go to court. That's eight hours off the clock. That means they lose 50. They get 50,000 in two years. Forget it. I'll get the 50 out of my own. It's so funny. It's just, as Mexican people,

were so stubborn. My dad, they gave him a neck brace because he had some problems with it's vertebrae just from working so many years. He put it on. He took it off and he's like,

man, my neck hurts. I'm like, you're supposed to wear the brace. He said, it's so uncomfortable. Hilarious. Put it on. It'll bring you comfort. No, it it's itaches. Okay, we'll deal with your,

it's hysterical. You love your parents. I love that about you. I love it, man. All day. You love you, motherfucking parents. JesusTrail.com? Jesus trail.com.

Yes, sir. My dates, I got a few tickets left at the Center Performing Arts in San Francisco. On the 28th, Kaloose is sold out. The 21st is sold out. Then we start on the, I think, the 15th and 16th. I'm in Fresno and Bakersfield. And the 25th of January, I'm at the Tabernacle Theater. They added the second show.

That's all I got, be it. But before we go anywhere, the church is sponsored by Netflix, new podcast. behind the Irishman. I've told you all about the Irishman a couple of weeks ago on Netflix. Some of his life, that whatever. Listen, I think it was a tremendous movie. Now you can hear about how it was made with the official podcast. Listen to me.

Pesci was tremendous. De Niro was tremendous. Sebastian was great. I mean, I loved everybody in the movie. The other guy, the one that was married to Lorraine Brocko that plays Angela Bruno. He was great. On this podcast, you're going to hear from Charlie Branty, author of I heard you paint houses. Find out how he uncovered Frank Shearing's story and learn why DeNiro

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on a computer stealing off all the money off your gift card. That's what they do all day long. All day long to steal money off gift cards. Everybody has an asshole. Everybody deserves the gift of Tushy. Wiping your butt with dry toilet paper. Come on. What are we fucking cave, man? It removes the

shit, but it leaves the stamenca juice. You ever come on your girlfriend's and you take the come off, but the foot is stained. Like, she's like, like, it's bleak. Like, give us other people with the purple bed marks on their faces and shit. It's the same fucking thing. Water cleans better than dry paper. I like the idea that this is written down on the paper, so how?

No, it's not. This is me talking to you, motherfuckers. Listen, Tushy is a fucking portable bidet. It connects right to your toilet. It takes you 10 minutes. You don't even need... I think you need like a wrench or something like that. No plumber, no nut.

They started $79, all right? You get a 90-day guarantee, 60-day guarantee. It don't matter. I've had one for four years. If my big stinky ass hasn't fucking fucked up that tushy, your little skinny-bony ass will be fucking tremendous. You're like, Joey, why a bidet and why tushy? Why?

Because it sprays water directly into your fucking asshole. Think about nice, warm water going into your asshole. How would you feel? You're going through a rough time. Your grandmother died. They left you the patio furniture. Forget all that. Think about getting hot water sprayed up your asshole.

Who's better than you? You know why you need that? Because all day long you're sitting there like a mook with bacteria grown in your asshole. And that creates nasty things like hemorrhoys. In fact, I popped mine yesterday. Tuesday, I went to lift some weights and fucking, I had a little...

So, you know, I went to wipe my ass. There was a little blood. Thank God I had Tushy. So no more hemorrhoids, no more yeast infections, no more UTI, but most important me, no more itchy assholes. Listen, there's nothing. Listen, I'd rather do 10 years in jail and have an itchy asshole and no arms, you know what I'm saying? Can you imagine having no arms and having an itchy asshole? You can always get somebody to scratch your back.

You'll die before something scratches your asshole. Not even your mother. Your mother will look at you insane. You fucking retarded. Anyway, listen, go to hello-thushy.com right now, press in church and get 10% off your order. Listen, there's nothing like a tushy bidet. I know you got people that you need a present for.

This is the best president. You know what? They started $79. So give it a shot. Take a chance, Columbus. Go to hellotushy.com and press in. Church. And get 10% off your motherfucking order, all right?

You never use the tushy. Now is the best time. Start the year with a car. clean asshole. You've never done that before, you filthy animal. I'll see you guys Wednesday. You got nine shoplifting days before fucking Christmas. Thank you,

Hazel's trail for coming on. Thank you, Christ, killer. But most importantly, thank all you motherfuckers. And don't forget to look at Misha Tate's pussy. Especially that up close one. It looks like a little bagel with no locks. It looks like an everything bagel. It's got everything on there.

A little air, a little stubble. A little everything. Kick this fucking meal. I want to be around Pick up the pieces When somebody Break's your heart Some somebody Twice as smart

As I Somebody who To be true Used to do Wait and see how he does Puzzle fits So discover that