The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #746 - Annie Lederman

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

Annie Lederman, is a comedian, writer and actor seen on "This Is Not Happening," and as Cheryl in "GTA V," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Annie hosts the "Meanspiration" podcast, which can be heard everywhere you listen to podcasts.   This podcast is brought to you by: Upstart.com - The revolutionary new lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Go to www.upstart.com/church to see how low your rate is. Checking your rate doesn't affect your credit score.   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.  

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It's Monday like what am I going to get my grandmother You ready? A portable bidet. You're like, why would my grandmother be a portable bidet? Because her ass smells like a goat. That's why. Have you thought about it? Next time you go over there for Christmas dinner,

look at your grandmother's ass and just play Houdini for a minute and say to yourself, what does it with her muffler smell like? She's 82. Listen, you're like, Joey, what's a beda? A baguette, it sprinkles water into your muffler, clean water. The same water you brush your teeth with, not toilet water. We'll get to all that stuff later. trying to educate you right now.

They started $79 and they call tushies, okay? And tushies don't play games. Why? Because it makes, already off the dot. When you buy a tushy, you're telling me you give a fuck about the environment. You greedy bastard, half a row just to wipe your ass.

Two trees are dying in my neighborhood because you want to dry your pussy. Air dry it, bitch. Old school, like the Quakers did. You know what I'm saying? Tell them. Anyway, go to hellotushy.com right now. You got to son that push. Slash church and get 10% off your first daughter.

Get a bidet started. Let's get this party started. How are you going to get your little muffler licked if it's not going to be clean? If you got UTIs and all that stuff in there, let's face it. Some people are waiting for Santa Claus. Some people are waiting for somebody to just bump into you. Lick your nutsack and stuck that tongue up your muffler. Am I right?

Yeah. I'm waiting for someone to lick my ballsack. This is what I'm talking about here. So go to hello tusy.com. church. It's Monday to 23rd. Forget Jackie Gleason. Forget Santa Claus. It's all about you. Kick this meal, Lee. This poor kid. Fell on black days, baby. We all got them. Kidding me or what? Everybody's jumping up and down. It's Christmas. We don't give a fuck.

The church of what's happened now. You understand me? All we care about is today. My girls here, Annie Letterman looking spectacular. Top comedian, savage, gangster from Philly, part-time Quaker, you know, the whole thing. Dropping on me, beautiful. I'm a violent Quaker. So dropping on me, what's happening? All right, I just, it's, it is, am I allowed to tell the world that it's Sunday? It's whatever you want to be.

We're recording on a Sunday. I came from church. That's right. I came from Quaker meeting. I came from church to go to church. That's two churches and one. Dude, I double church. We got about it.

That means I can do whatever the fuck I want now. You can just walk past St. Peter. I'm going to go rob a fucking bank. You can just walk past St. Peter. Go talk to the guy behind me. He's got the ticket. Go punch an old lady. The shark ate it.

What's going on? Beautiful? Nothing. I'm feeling good. I... You're one of those girls that doesn't wear makeup and looks good. Like constantly. You have like you have to make up it just to torture.

I'm wearing so much makeup. It's so funny. And when you put makeup on, you're just a stunt. It's just stunning. You know, you try to be camera ready. You know, I try to make them, you know, ready. I'm ready. I've arrived.

I ain't managed it, man. I come in, I smell good, I look good, I'm funny. I try to have fun. No, no, no. You're a hard work on. I got to take my little church name tag off. I saw that, and I saw that. I thought that was like a thing from, you went to visit a prisoner.

Your boyfriend that was in jail, you know what I'm saying? I don't know. I don't know what your deal is. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. What's going on these days? These days?

Um, just comedy, comedy. It's so much fun. Uh, I had a good, a good weekend. I did some special K and I listened to some self-help books and got, got, uh, what's, what's, what's special K? It's like a rave drug, but now they use for PTSD and depression. It's a disassociative. So it, uh, it gives you perspective.

You can, like, look at things from an outside point of view. Just like a reef. Yeah. Well, sort of. It's a tranquilizer. How, how are you? How are you? How long are you?

iPhone on them? It lasts like an hour I think. That's it? Yeah, but the results, they use a lot for people that it's like antidepressants right away. You know, you have to wait for an antidepressant to kick in and stuff. It's like a it's just

is supposed to like reinstate the neuropathways in your brain or something. Pharmaceutical or? I mean, I don't do it. I mean, I do it raver style. Okay. But they have, they're like trying to get a, I think they just passed an inhaler so you're just snorting it.

It's like, no. You know, they're finding out all these things now about mushrooms and people of microdosing, helps with depression and whatnot. You know, man, when I was at my darkest point and I couldn't figure out life, and I might sound like a loser for saying this, the reason why I'm here is because of acid.

Yeah. When I lost my mother at 16, I went on a year and a half acid trip looking for an answer. Mm-hmm. I was looking for an answer. It took my mind and took it somewhere I didn't want to be. And it gave you answers. And every day it gave me another day to go, all right, tomorrow and I'll take another hit

and we'll pick up where we left off. You know, it was such a deep thread going on in my life. And I know that somewhere along the line, it's beneficial. It wasn't beneficial how I was doing it. I'm not a scientist. I can't sit here and tell you. You know, we bumped into somebody who explained ketamine to us. That's ketamine.

Who said the extracts of ketamine, that, you know, it helps with depression, all this stuff. You know, I got to be strictly honest. Here's another drug. I got to tell you, that was horrible. It's a horrible drug. Well, when I was on it, I was focused. That's what I did. That's, oh, Coke.

I did a line of Coke. You can't get more focused than that. For me, Coke, just like, it's, it's not, it's not my drug. No, it's nobody's drug. Well, I'm like, I'm sober other than, I'm, I'm, Iahuasca, DMT, acid, mushrooms. It's a lot of things. Special K.

But you won't smoke. You won't do a line of alcohol. I won't do a Coke. You won't do a viking, you won't do an oxycodone? Well, it depends on if it's actually new. No, I don't drink. No drinking. You're doing this stuff.

I'm trying to open you up. Exactly, that teach me. I don't want things that take from me. You know, when you, it's, I'd say this with confidence. And I don't want people to sue me or jump off of building. or criticize me and Lee are fucking around here and we'll do it we'll drop a hit or sit or something and it takes me somewhere different because Leo say like I walked all night and I'll think of Lee and I'll giggle because for Lee it's something different than what it is for me we were

talking about my mindset the last podcast how you look at things yeah you're going to go follow louis C.K. and Chris Rock you're driving thinking you're going to die you know what I'm saying I'm like, I got to go follow Lewis. Yeah. And then Chris Rock is going up, and then I'm going up. Yeah. And Lee Letterman's going on. Yeah.

On the drive down there, you're going to lose. You're thinking in your mind, you're going to lose. But you might program your mindset. Yeah. You know, you might just go down there and rock. Yeah. It's how you go in there. If you go in there with your shoulders slumped, well, I'm going to die already.

You're going to die. You're going to die. So it's the mindset. Yeah. When I do any type of those things, like I can look you in the face, you I've done over a hundred acid trips. I never had a bad trip. Yeah.

I don't know you talk about. When people say bad trips, I'm like, I always say explain to me what it is because these medicines give you what you need. It's like, what are you talking about? A bad trip. Be brave, bitch. You know what a bad trip is? You saw the truth.

Yeah, you didn't want to see it. And you didn't want to see it. And you didn't want to say it. Well, tell me this. Don't you see this? Like hallucinogens have taught me that life is like as equally hideous as it is gorgeous. So it's like, it's the same thing. So it's like it does hurt, but it also you have to feel that pain to feel the like,

beautiful fizzle of like the light too. It's the same thing. When my mother died, I had such a void. And the only thing that filled it, there was two things that filled it. My friends in the daytime, and then once I went home at night, those four walls got smaller. I am an advocate for people with a touch of mental health to get out of the house. I have a touch of mental health issues. I have a lot of mental health issues.

for me to survive, I know I got to get out of the house. Because the walls are closing on me and you'll think about the bad stuff. My dad always tells me whenever I'm depressed, he's like, go out and he's like, go talk to strangers or whatever, which is honestly how I got molested as a kid, but it's good advice as a girl. Not as a kid. But it really is true. It's like I am a social, I really like to talk to people. I really, I mean, I'm just going around chatting with people all day.

When, you know, depression starts by sleeping later. You know, when you look at all the symptoms at first, it opens up with sleep, sluggishness, you're tired, you know, and then the wall start creeping in on you. And then you have to do something about it. Yeah. Go talk to somebody, get medication. But I would start with vitamin D. Yeah. That's the cure.

That's the, you know, natural cure. We're talking about dick, right? We're talking about vitamin D, son. Do you bat both ways or just one? Just one. I don't mean to be real. No, everyone thinks I'm a lesbian. I just by...

I don't know. Tim Dillon told me that I should say that I'm by so that I can say all the words. Yeah, you get away of murder. So I'm by. Yeah. Okay, bye. I just thought that you were like,

I have a lot of respect for you. I never thought nothing of you sexually. I just thought that you were just with girls. Oh, really? Yeah. That's so funny. I don't care. I tried it. I don't like the taste. I don't care one way or another. I love the taste. That's a good, thank you.

Like calories. Good taste. No, I always say that, because I was on the boys baseball team and stuff, I had brothers, so I was always, like, competing as a boy with everyone. So I did all these things, and it's like, I was saying, like, instead of a dead pool, they had a dyke pool. Like, everyone was, like, just betting on how gay I was going to be. And then I wasn't gay. You too beautiful to be gay. Look at you. I got fingered one. once by a girl who looked like a boy, but I wasn't into it.

Really? Yeah. How old were you? 24. Why did she, Fenge? Were you making a... She just looked like, she looked like a boy. I hung out with her all the time. This is when I lived in Santa Fe, which we were going to talk about. But I lived in Santa Fe, I was bartending at this place called The Cowgirl. Did you go there? I don't remember.

You definitely did. It was the spot. So I was bartending there, and it's funny because, you know, they have all these different celebrities that have houses there, or they're in town filming stuff, because of the... tax write-off for movies in New Mexico. And so I used to wait or I used to bartend for Sam Shepard. Do you remember Sam Shepard?

So he would come in and one day and like we always... What was he married? What's her name? So beautiful. Yeah, a piece of ass. Oh God, so gorgeous. She's an American horror story. I'm jealous of Sam Shepard.

Just absolutely beautiful. I'm jealous of Sam Shepard. Well, he's dead now. No, I was jealous of him when he was. You can get her now. His wife is just... What the hell is her name? Stunning.

Marilyn Reese? No. No. I don't think they were married. Jessica Lang. Yes. So beautiful. Talk about aging well.

I mean, that bitch. Hot right now. The postman always rings twice. Listen, titty's to her knees and we still want to play with them. Don't reach? I'm just saying she's the oldest ship, but she's gorgeous. You seen her lately? I didn't see her.

She looks amazing in. I've seen her in American Horror Story. She's gorgeous. She looks good, snow. But so, same. Sam would come in and one day I got off early and we were having a margarita together. This is back when I drank. And I had this best friend who looked like a boy, like she was a lesbian, just such a les.

And I don't know what we were talking about. We're talking about like, I was like, oh, I want to do comedy. I want to move to New York. I want to, you know. And he was like, comedy is so scary. And I was like, yeah, I just want to live like an extraordinary life. He goes, you are living an extraordinary life. You're gay, right?

I was like, no, I'm not gay. So he thought I was a lesbian because this girl all the time. It's so weird. So I was going to make, I was going to make shirts that said Sam Shepard think I'm gay, thinks I'm gay and he was going to, he was like, I want 10%. But we had this whole thing. And then years later, I moved to, I moved to New York. And I was working at this restaurant in Alphabet City and Sam Shepard walked by.

And I'm like, oh my God, Sam, I did it? I moved to New York. I'm doing standup. And he goes, did this used to be a jazz club? And I was like, oh, fuck. God damn it. No memory of who I was. Just like, all right, bitch.

But it was really funny. But anyway, so that girl, I had like hung out with her all the time. We worked at the same restaurant together. I was drinking a lot. And she just planted those seeds, you know? She was like, do you think you're gay? And I was like, I don't. She's like, maybe the reason that you don't think you're gay is because you're gay.

And I was like, huh? She like, Jedi mind-tricked me a little bit. And I was like, I don't know. Maybe it's homophobia that I never considered being a lesbian. But I've been boy crazy since I was little, like, really little. Always boy crazy. So, wait. How does she finger you?

Well, she, oh, my God. First of all, very similar I was still half from last night and you were, you said how she fingered you and then and then you told like three different stories. I'm like, I want to. Oh my God, Lee,

put your boner away for one second. Can't help it. I'm sorry. All right. So then we were like, you know, we would just drink late and I was dating a bartender at a bar a couple things down

and he was like kind of like, he was like a bro. And I don't know, she just, he showed me, we were over there one day and he was, he showed us, he brought us into the office and he showed both of us two girls one cup.

And she was like, see, boys suck. And I was like, oh. So then that night we like, we would make out. We'd get drunk and make out. And then we went back to her place. And she fingered. And I swear, I feel like she fingered homophobia into me. Like it just wasn't.

I just was like, this isn't right. This isn't right. I just like, I don't want this. That's a short finger. I was like this fucking, how many knuckles are in there? Jesus. Yeah, nah, no, no. It was tough.

It was just like, I just wasn't into it. I was like, let's just smoke in Newport. How long did you live in Santa Fe? Seven years. And you loved it. I mean I would like had to develop quite a drinking problem there okay I quit drinking right when I move out of there the night is all there is to do there and ski up in there

there was nothing to do yeah there's nothing it's like a retirement town the six weeks I was there that's so funny questions I only went out that whatever the hot club was Swag Adam had a party one night at I was there I was go go dancing at that party I was a go go go dancer at the one club Swig it doesn't exist anymore it was owned by two gay guys

guys who um and it was kind of a gay club but because there was it was the only nightclub in santa fe and santa fe is such a small town everyone just went so they had three podiums and it was originally this gay guy me like a little twink me and then this uh like uh cross-dress or trans transvesta brandy who was Calvin during the day and brandy at night and then they fired the boy and then it was a stripper me and this uh and people come up to me like Like, do you have duct tape too? Because Brandy would have duct taped their dick. And so they come up to me.

And I was like, I mean, I'm not even really a good dancer. I would be hammered crying. I didn't like when people touched me or tipped. I would get mad when they were like, I'm like, you're objectifying me. Like, this is your job. But it was 50 bucks an hour plus tips. And I would just wear like a slutty little outfit and just dance up there. Get so hammered.

Just falling off. I would fall down all the time. I was crying. Fake eyelashes stuck to my cheek. I had those chicken cutlets, like the little like boob things. And I would sweat and they would slide up and people like your thing showing. Like I was a mess. Why were you crying?

You don't like it. You don't like. I just was like, yeah, I don't know. I was just be drunk, a mess. Yeah. And I was a, I was a nanny by day. And so I would go, my knees were all sore bending down from dancing. So I would like have to bend down to hang out with these kids that have glitter all over my face.

It was ridiculous. Have like two hours of sleep. I was an innkeeper. I had to quit that job. Or I guess I got fired, but I showed up wasted for my morning shift. And I was too drunk. And there's no comedy instead of it. There's no comedy.

I mean, the nightlife is zero. I was there for six weeks, and I went to the bar around the corner from the Santa Fe, like a redneck type bar. The cowgirl. Because a Kate Fletcher's girlfriend. The cowgirl. Yeah, Heather, I bartended with her. Heather. Yeah.

And I used to go to one, Alberto Crane had the jihitsu place. Alberta Crane is now here. Okay. He's got one of the biggest schools in Burbank and Glendale. All right. I met him in Santa Fe, New Mexico, his first jujitza school. It's unbelievable. Well, Tate got me sober.

Tate, I used to wait on him at the cowgirl and he was annoying as shit because they'd come in also not like ordering drinks and shit and fucking no fucking sales. You know, but I mean, they would tip on stuff, but they were always like special needs and annoying. But Tate, I might have talked about this on Rogan, but Tate, he put together on the karaoke unit. He knew I wanted to do stand-up. So he put together like a situation where I could go up during. karaoke night and do stand-up. So I did my first show. He put that on for me. Then when I moved to New York and I realized

I had to quit drinking, I called him and he helped me get sober and stuff. Tate's a good fucking... Yeah, and then I came out here. I didn't even know he was like connected to comedy in any way. Yeah, he's connected to him. Yeah, he's like one of my best friends for all the time. It's funny. He was an extra on the longest show. Yeah. I've watched his Ascent

and it's... You see, you know, you see somebody like Sebastian. I'm not Sebastian. and Sebastian was a deaf fucking mute. Yeah. And I was 36 and Sebastian was a kid and he was a waiter. And you turn it on MTV and you see Sebastian.

And if you really like Sebastian, like if you guys were friends at the store, you get this twinkle in your heart. You're like, wow, that's amazing. Yeah. And it lets, it convinces you that this is a life. Yeah. That I'm like I try to tell these young guys, this is a life. a great life. It's just a journey.

It's the number one life. I still remember nobody known who Sebastian was, but he had one fan, the club owner in Dallas, who kept telling everybody who came to listen, the next big thing is Sebastian. I'm telling me, saying, I've had

him in here for the last two New Year's because he's like dice light. Yeah. And in Texas, they really like that. And when you see Sebastian, you know, now you see the people who are in the conveyor belt who are on their way up.

They don't know it. They think they're struggling. I didn't get that role. I went in four times with producers. You're on the, but you're getting 1145 spots at the store. Yeah. And you've got to manage and an agent. You're on the conveyor belt. This is a heaven that we're living on. I can't believe.

I like, it's not a different. When I wake up, I'm like, am I dreaming? I can't believe that it's like, and I'm not like, financially I'm not killing it right now, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. People have no idea. Like, I always say to myself, every like three or four days when I'm writing

in the morning, I stop and I go, what was I doing? Ten years today? Ten years ago today. And I forced my mind to go where I was ten years ago. And I go, let's go one deeper. Yeah. October of 99. I had New Year's at El Paso for 2000.

for 2K the world was going to end I had Houston going up to it New Year's year I had a triple tour planned my big thing and I was a regular at the store

I was already a regular at the store getting six spots a week fucking best and I was planning a tour I didn't think I was up to par in L.A. Like I was getting spots as a store

but when I would go to the improv and get sandwiched in between like Pat and Oswald I would always like what's that word? flutter like a fish I would do well. Yeah, flopped. And I just looked at myself.

I probably did it hit an ass and something gave me something. I took up myself objectively and I said, you know what? It's time to go on a trailer run. Yeah. And I left December 20th of 99. I came back in like May. Like I did this six months.

That's so fun. Like the first three weeks were booked. Yeah. Everything else was. And then you just went for it. just who's got an opening. Yeah. Call the funny bones.

Listen, I'm on the road. Whatever. MC. Yeah, you really just have to make enough. That's all it is. That's it. That's it. And the beginning,

$300? $400? Yeah. $400? You're eating Subway sandwiches and McDonald's. You exercise a little bit. You watch TV and you're right.

You buy a bag of dope. That's your big fucking party for the week. You buy a $70 bag of dope that last year. You smoke everything. You smoke it down to your finger. Yeah. You look at your finger when you're in open. Micah, their brown, they're burnt.

You know, everything you do is to the extreme. When you get a sandwich, you got it. Those resin hits. When you know those people that say, let's go try that. I ain't trying nothing. That Chinese lunch special gives you a soup, a salad, a bowl of rice, a feather for $6.95. That's what we're going. Yeah, but let's try the hind.

I don't want to try nothing. You don't even take a chance. You don't even take a chance. Like, you got to go. You got $20 to last you for the day. Yeah. That meatball sandwich is $899.99. It's huge.

It gives you a little bit of heartburn, but half of it for lunch. Yeah, it's two meals. You know, that's how you look at things. You start looking at things like that. And you just, when I got here, nobody was talking to me. Like no Montreal. I had no comedy agent. I was an agency called The Coloring Book.

Oh, hilarious. And you had to make your resume, different colors. Are you making that up? No. So I would have to go to Charlie Chan printing. I would have to give her 100 resumes every two weeks. Because in those days, you got sent out. I would have to give her like 100 resumes.

What's her resume? Joey Dears, Sag after, 5'10, 260 to 290, range 40 to 50, basketball, Bronx County, comedy store improv, some fake playhouse bullshit. some fake acting coach and swimming. Interest. You always have to put swimming number one. Cast and directors want to know if you could swim.

I just love to swim. All right. There you go. You learn something from Uncle Joey. That's so funny. When it says interest on the bottom, you have to put swimming number one. Knitting.

Nitting next. No, not knitting. Swimming, martial arts. Uh-huh. A language. Oof. Like you have to put me, you speak Yiddish. You have to do your accents?

Make it up. Oh, then that comes that really comes to bite in the house. Yeah, but what happens when he gets the job and then you're like, I don't speak this? No, no, no, no, no, no. You're going to write on the bottom, whatever is going to get you into the job, but it's going to be very blatantly. Like, you're going to speak, you're going to say Yiddish. And then I'm going to call you, I'm going to fall in love with you.

You're going to say a couple of Yiddish words in there, but you're going to. Fichata. Machata. And then. When you get to the set, they're going to say, we thought you spec Yiddish. And you're going to go, yeah, when I was three, I lived in Israel. Yeah. Not now.

I forgot. Who do you speak Yiddish today in North Hollywood? You know what I'm saying? Give me some lines. I'll read the lines, bitch. You said here you could swim. Yeah. Is this fucking improv?

When I was a kid, I was in a master swimming program. I was 20 years ago with my shoulder broke. But now what are they going to do? So they'll rewrite the part for you. You see what I'm saying? So you always got to lie about something. I told you. This whole career.

Update my resume. Comedy is a girlfriend. Comedy is a girlfriend. You got to date her, you know, kiss her neck, bring her, it's the same thing with the resume.

Comedy's the girlfriend that can finger me. That's the only one. Yeah. Comedy is your girlfriend. So now you've got to bullshit your way into the rooms. So you've got to write that

in the bottom. I do hate that feeling, though, when you're like, oh, they're about to call me out on this fucking shit I just lied about.

I tell them the truth all the time. Like, I'll put heavy machine operator because I knew how to work a high law in college whatever I knew how to work a high law there's no way you can't even turn it on now though but listen to me but you can

stretch a lot you can stretch okay let me give you an example I had a dear friend who got called him for signs of anarchy and he called me back and he goes at the audition they asked me if I could ride a motorcycle I go what did you tell him? I said no I hope you tell him yes

oh he goes I did I go but he goes it was over 20 years ago I go good enough he got there the other day He had the set. He was all worried. He kept calling me, Joey, you made me lie. I'm in trouble. I go, no, I didn't make you lie. I made you be blunt. I made you be, what's that word? Bold. No, there's a word where you, you, it's obscure. The answer is obscure. You never give somebody like February 12th. You always go from the 12th to the 18th. You give them a vague. Vague. I go, you gave him a vague answer. He didn't sleep the night before. He called me that morning.

Oh, that's so funny. I'm just going to quit. I feel that. He fucking went. He told him the truth. There's like, no worries. They're going to pull you anyway. Yeah, you're not going to be on the fucking motorcycle.

You're not going to be on the bike anyway. We can't afford that. They can't afford that. They can't afford that. Yeah. When you want sons of Anakin, they go by. Yeah, you see that wig. Not one of them.

They're all wigs. Tate Fletcher is actually every person. Yeah. They're all wigs. So you don't have to really. Okay. It'd be nice if you can pop a wheelie. if you can pop a wheelie

they would be mad though they'd be upset because they don't want you to get hurt right there's some auditions where they'd go listen we want to ask you like there was an audition I went on where I swear to God you had to the commercial an alligator oh that's fun and the water was an alligator

oh that's fun the audition I'd be like can I have the fucking book English before I you had a sign a wave when you went in to let you know that you were going to work with the thing A guy like me, signs that I'm not taking that job. I'm not that retarded to take a scaled job with an alligator. I would take it.

But I'm going to put yes on me. I'm going to play with you a little bit. I'm going to let the casting director fall in love with me. I went into like three callbacks. They went in for somebody else. And I was happy. I never saw a commercial again. I doubt they shot it.

I doubt they shot it because at the end of the day, they were going to put you in the water up to your neck in like a cage that people couldn't see. And the alligator was going to be talking next to you. Oh, I love that. I'm an adrenaline junkie, though. Oh, no, no.

Some people are drunk. I mean, listen, at the end of the day, I think I would do it. Yeah. It's going to be a trained animal. Sounds fun. They set eight, they set eight or whatever. It's definitely going to bite you. No, it's not.

You never know. They haven't set up. They don't want you to get bitten. Like, think about, you know, Tom Cruise always does his own stunts. That must annoy them so much. We're like, Tom, can we just have someone that's, like, train to fucking do this, do this? We don't have to deal with you.

It's like so much extra. you have to be you know it's like you have extra insurance and all that stuff nobody they're not going to want you to get hurt yeah but who are those uh tiger trainers in like Vegas oh the guy that got bit yeah yeah it on tigers yeah I mean it could happen but that's fun about it that's that's fun if that's a true doesn't that make you feel alive no listen did you have you been skydiving no it's boring I would just go straight to the earth I can't get him to run with his shorts in front of I can't get him to run the Popeye's naked just run in front of them, front

back, a half of them $100. When people are waiting there for the spicy chicken sandwich. Here's 100 an hour. Just run naked right in front of them. There's a number. You know, there's a number. A hundred's low. A hundred's low.

Starting out. That's his first job. Who gave you $10,000? On your first job. You got to earn yourself up. No, you got earned yourself up. She at least got $50 an hour. I got $50 an hour.

I'm giving you an hour for a 12-second job. Yeah, but they didn't have camera phones back then. Nobody's running it. You're going to run so fast. Does he get to wear a bag or something over his head? If he wants to. Yeah, you could disguise your face.

You didn't ask enough questions. Listen, you should negotiate it. Can you imagine sitting on a line waiting for a chicken sandwich and also a chubby guy comes running by naked? Let me just say there's going to be kids in that line and he's going to get in decent exposure. No, he won't. Because by the time they catch on, listen, nobody wants to chase a fat chubby guy. Nobody wants to even touch a fat chubby guy.

That sounds like me in college. I chased a lot of fat chubby guys. Have you seen, if you see an arm tackle, that's what it is with a chubby guy. When you're going to tackle me, your arms are going to slip right off me to grease. You can't bear hug me, bitch. No, you're not going to bear hug me. You're done.

Nobody wants to chase a homeless car. A homeless. Oh, he's going to talk to you about like that? No, no, no, no. I meant to say a naked man. No, I know. Nobody's going to chase a naked man. It's like we're talking last night.

What are the chances of being a pedophile with a, A voice box, right? That would be a good pedophile. If I was like, if I had a voice box, I'd definitely become a pedophile. Because you're tremendous. Hey, little kid, come here. Oh, I thought you were saying

because you had like that little hole they could put their dicks in. Well, that's, that's a different. I never even thought of that. It's smaller, you know. With the curtain. Yeah, come on in. In the 70s, they had the hole

with a little curtain. It's like a peep show. Surprise. I'm like a little priest put his little kid's dick of it. Come to Poppy's throat. That's disgusting. It is disgusting.

Merry Christmas week. What made you get into college after all this? I mean, I know you got some deep shit later on, which is really nobody's business for right now. But how long did you want to do comedy for? How long was it burning you up? I was, I always made my dad laugh. So it was always like a thing where I was always just trying to make my dad laugh my whole life. So I kind of started to realize.

that I had, like, I just talk shit. Like nobody, I wasn't raised with, like, boundaries or rules, really. So I just always talk shit. I just always said whatever I think all the time. And I started to realize, like, I could kind of affect the room by doing that. And so then in probably around college, I was like, oh, I think I could, like, do stand-up. I think I could do that as a thing. I want to do that.

So then I was living in New Mexico. Obviously, there was no stand-up. I was just drinking a bunch. And I just was like, I want to do it. And then when the longest yard came in, I met like Nick Swartson and Adam Sandler and people like that. And once I could see it, you know the arrogance of someone who starts comedy? When you just see it, like, oh, I could do that.

Like, I just being able to see them in real life and see, like, their actual size that they're not like as big as I see them on screens. They put their pants up. They're regular, yeah. It's like you. And I was like, oh, you did. I thought he was very polite and very nice. Very sweet. He was really, really sweet.

And I was just so he was one of the first celebrities I'd met. So I was so surprised at how little he was. And not that he's a little person, but like just compared to what I was used to seeing him. I was used to seeing him on big screens. It was dear. When I was growing up in Boston, like I would get starstruck for people on the news. Like there was no internet back then. So like they were like all everyone with them.

Everyone on TV was like exciting. And I wonder if it's different now. Well, it's rare that I get starstruck now because I think what we do is the fucking coolest thing. I think like what we do is the number one thing. So, you know, I have a lot of respect for people and I, you know, and there's celebrities that I get excited to see. But I don't get like star, I get like star stroke over like I saw I met Jeff Probst, the host of Survivor and I love Survivor. I got really fucking star struck over him. It was embarrassing.

I mean, I got, I got weird. Like I was like, I have to talk to you about this season. Like I got really weird. And like I just got normal with Polly. Like people that were, have been in my life since I was a kid, usually I'll get star stroke over. So if I see like Polly Shore, like someone. I don't get starstruck. I get more like I can't believe that I still remember MTV had a show called Comedy Comic-Cazzi.

It was on the afternoons at 4.30. I still remember saying Nick DePaolo, Alicia Michaels, Pauly Shore at his prime, you know, on MTV. When Pauly Shore pretty much ran. Yeah. And now I got Pauli's number. Yeah. I know it's wild, right? You know what I am?

Like it's, I used to date this girl. I brought Dave Chappelle on stage. It's like, what's my life? What? It's insane. What the fuck is that?

I can have, you know what I realized too? It's about like, you have to adjust your, like your goals because you can, I just realize I get, I've gotten literally everything I want. I had a very like troubled childhood.

And then I'm now in this place where it's like, I've gotten, I can't believe it. You were saying about where I was, I 10 years before, where I was like 20 years before, it's like, holy shit. It really is. I would be like, I would have gotten more traumatized as a kid if I'd have a fucking Netflix special.

I've been like, I need more bad things. I mean, it's like I can't believe it's all worth it. It's every, everything that has ever happened in my life is absolutely worth it because of this time. So now it's like adjusting and being like, ask for more. You know, and you got to do the work and stuff. But it's like, like, believe that you can have the things that you want. When you like meet these people, it's like, I fucking idolized your ass.

it's weird when you like for me I don't know I've never really been I remember seeing Richard Gear at the time I wanted to beat him up from 1979 to 82 I wanted to Jack Richard Gear because every woman you talked to liked Richard Gear I took a girl to the movies one time

and Richard Geer showed his ass I just dropped $30 for nothing Yeah good night And Richard Gears showed his ass American Gigolo an upside down headstand and every woman in the movie theater went and that was it, you were done.

I saw Richard Ghee and I wasn't. Nobody really do I get James Coburn when I first moved here, me and Joe Rogan chased James Coburn in the car on sunset and he had an Accura NSX but then I got to work with him twice

and the star struck went away. Yeah, it goes away. I get sentimental. I get sentimental. I get sentimental. Like, I got a call from there from Nick Swanson. He says, I need for you to do one line in my movie. But for some reason, I got stuck doing that one line with Don Johnson. You have no idea with Don Johnson. Yeah. He was Miami Vice. People didn't do anything on Friday nights from 9 and 10 to watch Don Johnson. He was the shit. And to talk to him now that he's grounded. And at that time, he had just had a kid. and he was old and I felt like saying aren't you a selfish bastard? Yeah.

Having a kid two years later. I had my wife up at 50 and I was like, thank God I didn't call Don Johnson out. Oh, that's so funny. Well, now his daughter's in 50 Shades of Grey. You believe that. That's so embarrassing. That's just tremendous. Like that's, you know, there's so many people that I look up to.

You can't watch your daughter's movie. She's getting whipped with a dick the entire movie. You can be proud of her. He still has to be proud. Of course he's proud, yeah. She's a cute kid. She's beautiful. She's a cute kid.

She's a great kid. She's a cute kid. No, there's so many people that I'm not, I don't get starstruck. It doesn't really, I mean. I get, it motivates me to see him. Like you get motivated, like if you, especially if they go on stage and kill. Yeah, that's exciting. I saw what's her name at the improv, and I didn't even know it was her.

And I had 20 years ago, I would have been sort of starstruck. The girl that used to be married to Richie Sambora and Tommy Lee, that poor girl. They put it through hell. Who, Pamela Anderson? No. Oh, Heather Locklear? Oh, yeah. She was America's, you know what I'm saying?

She didn't deserve to get herpes. She married two guys with herpes. She got hepatitis. She got herpes. She got all fucking every, hooked on, every pill they were hooked on. Yeah, she was a lot of DUIs and stuff. DUIs, you know, it was like a poison. She let these.

momos in her life, you know. But it's just It's a disease. This is a weird place here. So how long did it take? How long did you live in New York bouncing around? I moved to New York.

I was living in New Mexico and I was just drinking really bad and I crashed my scooter really bad and woke up with my face split open and just like really, really bad. So I knew I needed a change. So I decided to move because I was afraid of drinking and driving.

I was afraid to move to L.A. because I knew I'd have to drive. So I moved to New York. to do stand-up. And then I was there for like a month and a half. And then I finally went to an open mic. And then after my first open mic, I quit drinking and started just going to mics every day.

And I started doing like five mics a day. And just like never stopped. Just went as hard as possible immediately. And then I got Montreal like two years in really fast and bombed really bad. I'll say everyone except one person bombed in my group but nobody really talks about the bombing. I'll always admit my bombs but ate it.

It was so painful. But then through that I ended up getting, I remember it's, I had, there was this lawyer there that when he goes, don't worry, you have a good look. And I was like,

what are you talking about? A good look? He's like, you have a good look. You'll be fine? And I'm like, what you mean? I work all,

I work hard on my jokes. Like I'm a comic. I just didn't understand like the Hollywood side of things at all. And then I ended up doing, I met some bookers there and I started doing like Chelsea lately and stuff so that I was coming out to L.A. all the time and like living in my car but doing TV

and then moved out here in 2013 got past at the store right away only auditioned once, thank you and then Tommy Tommy let me ask you something before we move any further your performance of Montreal

were you prepared unprepared, unexperienced for what you were going to walk into, not ready for what you were going to walk into, what did you tag it to? I would say it's a little bit of all the things. So the Booker had said to me after my, I auditioned my first,

it was three years in, but I auditioned like my first or second year I auditioned. And they were like, we really like you, you're very new, these are the things we want you to work on. So then that year I worked on everything they told me. And then when they came back, I was like way better. I mean, I just didn't.

I just, everyone was mad at me. I didn't stay for anyone's sets. I just did five sets a night. I worked during the day. I just, this was always going to be my job. So it was just never, I was, there were no distractions. It was only comedy. So then when I came back, I did really well on my auditions.

And the booker said, do you want to go this year or do you want another year? And I said, I want it this year. I'm going to kill. I'm going to be awesome. And then I bombs. But I'm okay with that. I mean, it all worked out. I think I've gotten everything that I,

that I need and I want at the right time even though I didn't realize it at the time you know like that it these were experiences it was really it was a it was a two years is very early it's very very very good to go to Montreal of course and if and I and I applaud you because after the bombing

most people would have tapped out because they would have thought that life is open now I gotta go back and face these people so here's what I know I knew because I you know I have a you know a strong sense of injustice you know like I'll battle the battles. I don't care being the loud one that gets in trouble or whatever if I see something

that needs to be addressed. When we went to Montreal, I did the unrepped. So there was the repped, uh, the repped, uh, the repped, um, new faces. And then there was the unrepped new faces, which was like a newer thing they were doing with people that didn't have agents or managers. Now, I had managers and agents that wanted to sign me, but the booker was like, don't sign with them. I want to send you on repped. So at this point, I was like, motherfucker, if you don't give me this motherfucking thing, you got in the way of my work. Like, you got in the way of me making money and stuff like that. So then when I did get it, I went, you know, I was confident in the seven minutes that I had or whatever six minutes that I had. And we get there. The show was ran two hours late. It was all industry in the back talking. There was no, it was a very, it was a near impossible place to succeed in. And I know there's, you can't blame the audience for everything, but it was a rough situation. And then one kid killed, Joe Mackie destroyed. He just destroyed. And so then all of us were like, oh, I guess we can't. blame the fucking room but it was just a lot of pressure there was um you know like all these

networks trying to i just didn't know i just had no clue about that i all i knew was jokes i just knew you do jokes over and over and over again until you get them right and you just keep going that's all i know so the hollywood side of it was very confusing and it was like which is is no good for you yeah it's no there's no reason for it's no i don't like it i don't like it that's too much pressure to already pressure situation. I want your open mic career for you to have a day job. Yeah. Go out at night.

Learn what it is to sleep on four hours and have to go back to that day job. You know, you do your two or three mics, but then you and your friends get together for coffee. You talk shit to four in the morning. Yep. Even though you got to go to work at seven. Sorry, Charlie. We had an open mic at Lucky Jackson, New York that we would go to that was like, would run to like three. We'd be sleeping in the back.

Just, I mean, I, it's just, it, it always, there were these comics that would give me shit, you know, like, and there were female comics that started around the same time that would give me shit about not staying for their sets and stuff. And I'm like, I don't know you. I don't owe you anything. I'm not here for like a, I have my camaraderie with the people that work as hard as me. Like, my crew is the people that bust their asses as hard as me. I don't have time for, why would I be staying for you? You don't stay for me. I don't notice who's in the room when I'm on.

This is about my work. And then those same girls spread rumors that I hooked up with the Booker of Montreal to get in. Or I'm like, no, I worked harder than you. It's like it's just all of those girls don't, they don't exist in my world anymore. They don't do it. It's like there's a, you just have it or you don't that drive. There's the drive. There's the world in the beginning.

There's the people who just talk and they get so involved. in the world of comedy that they missed the whole point of getting funny and finally the world of comedy talks about them doing comedy talks them out of it they get so caught up and this and that and they talk themselves out of comedy and there's people like you and i didn't give a fuck no i didn't give a fuck i look at i look at you Whitney Nikki Ali you allie you all have fuck oh Jess and May Paluso, you all have one trait that at one point you said,

fuck this shit. Yeah. Fuck this shit. We're doing it our way. And I have a huge respect to you. Whitney said something to me once that because you have two choices as a woman in L.A. You could comb your hair or go suck dick

or put your hair up in a hat and go be one of the boys and banging out with them and earn their respect. How do you earn their respect? Not by sucking their dick. by being there with them at 2.20 in the morning knocking it out of the park and I'm going thank you, Allie.

You call them and saying, hey, listen, Joey, it's disrespectful. I saw your headlining Club 48 in Tacoma. Do you mind if I drive you for a five minutes set? That's what women do sometimes. That's what guys have to do. That's part of it. Listen, funny doesn't have a fucking gender. It's hard work, dude.

It's just work. It's like that's what's so, and it's just, I was so careful to not fuck people in the beginning. And then it's so hilarious because they ended up spreading rumors that I fuck people. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Like there's just, it's just a weird thing, a stigma that they put on chicks, but I don't give a fuck. I was talking to Rogan about it. He's like, must have been good. if they said that about you, you must have been good. I was like, I was fucking good. And it's just like, you know, I still had stuff to learn. But it's, you know, if you're sitting around and you're gossiping

and you're thinking about why, if you look at someone who got something and you go, wow, the reason they got that is they must have had some privilege. I didn't have. like someone must have tried to fuck them or there must have been something what you're missing is that right now you're supposed to be writing jokes like head down write jokes work on your shit why the fuck are you paying attention to what other people have if someone has something that you want and you have that tang of jealousy think about what are they doing that i'm not doing what is it that like i could be doing that this person is doing ali wong i used to do open mics with her in new york this bitch would show up with a fucking camera she had a goddamn go pro or something she would

set up her camera. She would come in. She would somehow get on the list early so she could go. Like she just, you just work the fucking system. There's no like, and she wasn't rude or anything. She was working hard. And she would come in with new jokes, crushing hard. It's like there's a reason that some of us are at the store and some of us aren't. It's like write your jokes. What are you fucking talking about? You're blaming another thing outside of yourself. It's you, edge. No, I have a huge sense of respect for you ladies because I know what it's like

I've been there, I know what it's like, I know what it's been like to have been taken and I know what you need. My mother, when I see you guys I see my mom in a bookie office. I see six guys in an office yelling and screaming. And my mom right there on the phone

and go and pick up that fucking phone. That's money in the register. That guy's a sucker and going and looking at her going. Most women can handle this job. Well, it's just like... Just to be in the room with this many men, it takes a certain woman.

That's why I bring her. Yeah. That's why we do a podcast. I want to include... I wish I lived in Jersey, but I take it to a social club. She can be comfortable walking into a room with men and reading men,

reading men from an early age. Who's going to mess with me? Who's not messing with me? Coming to me going, Daddy, I don't like that guy. I don't know. I just don't like how he looks at me. They see that shit. Right.

They see stuff. We don't see when you're a kid. So it's, I have a huge, a couple of years ago, it was in the paper. Somebody said women weren't funny, and the guy lost his job, letterman and stuff. And I know him, you know, I don't know him well. And to this day, it's always bothered me that comment. Because who was the first person you watched on TV that made you laugh? Lucille Ball.

We grew up on Lucille Ball. so for you to make that statement and Carol Bennett I'm just like listen I am a girl and I've been funny my whole fucking life I'm with me all day and I'm laughing the entire time

so I don't you know it's like I can't I don't know what to say to these people but it's it's not like a real comment even I don't even really I don't acknowledge that it bothered me because it was a dumb comment without thought

like you have your opinion everybody has their opinion but thought to that opinion I grew up on Lucy your ball. So maybe I don't like a lot of, like I hear gripes all the fucking time. I'm not

involved in the comedy store and in the comedy world gossip comedy. Because I have my own family. Yeah, you're busy. When I hear things, I go, really? Like, I don't know. I don't know. I hear a little thing, you know, I leave the comedy store 1015 before the darkness comes out. Oh, my God. I'm there till like three in the morning.

I'm like closing it down. Oh, I have Listen, I used to be there When I used to have Brody was my barometer Because Brody would lead I'd be like Oh fuck did Brody leave before me I gotta get the fuck out of here Did Brody leave before me? So now I just have to be like

Oh fuck like once they like lock the one door And you gotta go through the kitchen I'm like I've stayed too long I'm like fuck him with Don Barris in the back Oh yeah we it's just so fun I mean it's a complete different life It is just god damn I have fun It's a complete different life down that

I love it that I mean I know all the waitress I know everyone Yeah, the waitresses. It's fun. This is my home. I was talking to, there's this girl that I, that, that I had had a falling out with, well, she had a falling out with me. I'm a grown woman.

I don't have falling out to people. But I was kind of trying to like talk to her like, hey, do you want to like bury the hatchet or whatever? And she was like, no. And I was like, I just want to let you know, like, this is my house. And it's never going to be weird for me. So I will always treat you with like love and respect because this is my home and that's what I do to people in my home. But like, just know that. there will never be, nothing weird will ever be coming from me because this is the most important,

this is my space. That's how I feel about the comedy story. You know, I went to New York to shoot the soprano movie and that was the first time I was away from here for three days. And it was weird. It was a tough three weeks for me because it got me thinking. I got to see a lot of my friends I grew up with. I'm tight with my friends. I grew up with my family. So I got to see lots of them in groups or an individual situation. And I started thinking about my life here. And I'm like, man, my life here is kind of weird. I don't have that.

And on November 12th this year, I really realized that I did have that. It took me fucking slipping in the comedy store. Yeah. I realize that the next two days, the overwhelming support that I had. Yeah. It was over fucking overwhelming. Well, half of it was them trying not to get, yeah, not to sue them. No, I'm just kidding.

No, Whitney. Did you hear what I said to Whitney? Yeah. Because Whitney's so codependent. I go, Whitney, I'm so sorry you're going through it. So Joey fell and he heard his knee in the kitchen. Hamstring. His hamstring in the kitchen.

And so he's like up on a chair, a roller chair with his leg up. And Whitney's like by him. And I can just see. I just know her. You know, so I go, Whitney, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You know, because she's just like so empathetic. She's, uh, it was a lot of people. It just wasn't Whitney.

I know. and the busboys and waitresses and I got calls the next day I would never sue the comedy store but I went home and then my pain leg with the ice on it I was like that's my home yeah it's family that's my home you know you know when you walk up to the belly room there's that picture of Brody you just touch you just touch it kiss that bitch every time you know it's it's home it's something that I'm in the mafia yeah I'm in a different mafia and it's so weird how people go when you're in the mafia if your kid is in the hospital and his deathbed and the boss calls and he needs you you got to leave your kid that's never going to

happen that's a dumb statement but i feel the same way with the comedy store like that's my family there's comedians then there's the regulars at the comedy store in my mind we breathe for one another You know, I like the comedy store now because there's really no bad blood amongst a comedy store. I can look you in the eye and tell you that, do people get on your last nerve? That's going to happen at the dentist office. That's going to happen. Ralph's. There's people that I don't like there, but there's no beefs.

And I can't even, you know what I'm saying that wrong? I love the staff there. I love the management there, and I love all the comedians. It's amazing. There's a couple little fucking producers that think they're sleeping. Yeah, they're annoying, yeah. But beside that, man, I got a home. Yeah.

You know, I got a home. I love performing, man. It's amazing. I don't give a fuck when I perform that. Oh, it's, no, it's the best. I don't give a fuck when I perform. Like, just, ugh. I don't give a fuck when I perform.

I really don't. Yeah. When I go up there, it's the kill. I don't give a fuck what hurts you, what doesn't hurt you, what your mother thinks, what religion you are. Yeah. I go there, you know, ever since Mitzie died, it drove me crazy. Yeah.

Like when Mitzie sure died, I'm not the type to cry. Yeah. I didn't have to go to, I didn't have to go to Hollywood and cry and show everybody. It just made me stoo. When somebody dies, I just stoo. Yeah. I just stoo. I take something out of their death.

So Mitsy, it was bringing the basics back. I just ate a bag of dicks on Netflix with Christina. Christina, the door fell down during her set. And then I went up there and I was fucking rattled. And on the plane. And a couple days later, Mitzie died or whatever, and it all came together, what my plan was. Yeah. How much I had drifted.

Like, I'm a Mitsy Shore soldier. Yeah. You know that the black drill sergeant in the office and a gentleman? Uh-huh. You're a drill sergeant all your life. Mitzie Shaw was a drill sergeant. And if you listened to her, you would get somewhere. Yeah.

And that was her main thing, was do your thing. Yeah. Who gives her fuck about these people? Yeah. There you are. And we already got their fucking money. Well, they also don't. Here's the thing.

Nobody wants, like, nobody has time for your, like, low self-esteem or your, like, the whole audience just wants you to be yourself. To be yourself. They just want. They know. They're there to watch you. And if they're not, get the fuck out. I had some girl, I made a joke, the people that were leaving. I went on late night and a bunch of people were leaving.

And I said, if you leave during my set, you raped me. Just heads up. You'll never work again. And this woman goes, I was raped. Don't say I go, bitch, everyone on the stage was raped or molested. Shut the fuck up. I was like, you should have a better job. you were raped. Like, why are you in the audience? Like, I just was like, boom, boom, boom,

like, shut the, who the fuck wasn't? Are you, you shouldn't come out. If that really affects you, like, you should be in your house being a victim. Are you fine now, bitch? How are you now? Are you being raped now? Just like, grow up, bitch. It's like, who the fuck wasn't rape? We live in a town. You got to be kidding me, bitch. We lived in a town of fuck the victims. Oh. How long did it take you before you, so you, how long did you stay in New York until 2013? You come out here. Two thousand 13, come out here. Come a regular at the store. Become a regular at the store.

And then, you know, I'm going on real late. And then, and I was in a relationship that I was not happy in. And I was... Comedian or a rollerblader? He was... Why are you looking at me when he said that? I, imagining you on rollerblades actually naked, rollerblading in front of the... It's worse than just running.

The chicken line. No, it was like a younger... I was like paying as right. It was a weird thing. A good lesson, a three-year lesson. But I was I didn't feel like self-expressed in that and I didn't feel like I could really like talk about what I was going through because I hated my boyfriend so much. She was such a nice guy but I just didn't. I was it was like three years of feeling like I didn't.

And I had a TV show on E at that time. So I was doing that for like four episodes. They gave me a talk show. And so I was like kind of distracted by that. But the stand-up just wasn't. And I felt so depressed. Like I had this underlying depression because I didn't feel self-expressed on stage. And then broke up with him, moved back.

to New York for a year. And then I was like, I gotta go back to L.A. I started working on Sasha Baron Cohen's show on Who is America. So I moved back for that. And then I was like, I'm never leaving here. I'm at the comedy store. Why do I fucking leave the comedy store? And then I just started really not giving a fuck.

And, you know. What's in your body language? It's in everything you do. Now you book like Girl Code and all that. I used to do Girl Code, yeah. How was that? All you dirty bitches came from Girl Co. It was so easy.

Well, you know, Jesse and I didn't listen. And Jesse. Jesse and I didn't, they didn't, wouldn't put us on the show together. Like they thought we're the same. Which I don't think Jesse and I are like, I mean,

we're like white trash in a fun way, but I don't think we're actually that much alike. I think we get along really well, but I just don't think we're the same type. But they, so she got cast originally. They were coming to see me all the time. And then they cast her,

I guess, in the role of the blonde chick. And then she ended up, there was something with E or something. And so then they ended up having me on. So Jesse and I never got to be on together. So silly What's the Asian girl?

The guy hit by the car. Did she get by a car? Twice. She's sitting on a gold mine. Oh my God. Was she driving? No, walking. So was it by another Asian woman?

I don't know. I think the first one was hit. It was Asian on Asian attack. She got hit twice. They're trying to hurt you. At this point, they're aiming for you, bitch. If you get hit twice? When you're walking around,

the other night a car missed my door guys. By, I said to me. You could hear this. door it just I would have been dead because it takes it off the hinge and it just hits you when you're stepping out of your car you know that's on you i got in a car accident or a girl opened her car and she's liable it's all you you have to make sure that there's no car you would have been at fault what happened years ago somebody i was headed to an airport and somebody we pulled over and somebody hit it with a bike i don't even it happened so long ago me and my

Here's when my wife used to drive me to the airport. Yeah, yeah. Which has to be fucking 20 years ago at the beginning. When, yeah, we used to leave like 20 minutes before the flight. Step on it, bitch. That's a fun. Is that how you, are you always late for things? No.

I'm late for flights. I like to run. I like to run through the thing. When I got, when I got here, before 9-11, I thought I was Johnny Q. And I would do the, it's only going to take us a half hour to the airport. And they'll let me. And, you know, and then 9-11 came, and that all changed. And then you mature as a comic.

Because when you're a feature act or you're a non-important headliner, you know, like, you're just headlining and you're getting the basic scale, they don't give a fuck if you show or not. They don't give a fuck. They can call some other janitor down the corner. They got a local headlinson. They don't give them the same. The club owner will just do the spot. Yeah. It's not like Tracy Morgan coming down.

It's not like Joe Rogan coming to town. People are excited. Who's in town this week? I don't know. Some guy named John Smith. When you're that person, I didn't give a fuck either. Like, I didn't give a fuck. But then you start, it's your mindset.

You start thinking about that. Yeah. You start thinking about these people. I got babysitters. Yeah. They want to see you. They're excited. They want to hear a joke about you mugging a hooker and like a wig on fire.

And you go, you know what? Let me get to the airport a little early. Yeah. What's the harm? Because it's two different feelings. It's being stressed out the whole time. Until you get on the plane and you go, huh,

right. Or you walk in a, you know, it's like that old expression. You could run down there and fuck one of them or walk down there and fuck them all. You know, so we and I were having this conversation last night.

We live in Los Angeles. He was saying that Andrew Dice Clay made tapes two days ago from us, L.A.X. that he had to wait for an hour to get picked up. Did you see there was a fire last night at LAX at the bus station where the Uber people get picked up? Oh, my God.

Did he start it? Did he go out there? You knew I was with you all night, Coxsaint. Last time I spoke to you was at 12-30. Don't even say that, because the cops are going to be interrogating me. And we did a bunch of edibles and we did some bad pills. So I passed on the couch. I don't even say that I lit it on fire, Cuck-Sucker.

I just asked you know. Trust me, when I saw it lit on fire, I thought it was. Me too. I was sitting there thinking that I walked down there last night and just light that uber tracian on fire. I got enough problems of my own. You know the Jew and me comes out when I get aggravated. So this morning, that's why I woke up to it.

Mercy, where in the... Look at it. She don't give her. Wouldn't play. Wasn't the buses on fire at L.A.X. this morning? No, she don't care. She don't care. I told you. When plays the show, she's over there, she's up level nine, whatever that was you. I was sorry.

Somebody lit two buses on fire at the Uber lot last night. That's so funny. So the people who waited for Uber were really pissed off last night. It does suck when you come back and you're like waiting for a fucking and you're like, and you order the Uber and then it's like eight minutes. It's like eight minutes. Yeah. And then you're like, wait a second.

Why isn't I moving? Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going? And then it's hours later and you're just like so tired. You just want to get home. We have no idea what like. People have no idea what it's like to go out of the LAX and how you feel. I was telling Lee that we're to the point now where I'm not going to Uber.

I'm not doing that. Forget it. Forget it. I'm not taking a limo down. I'm not Joey bananas. I'm not in the mafia. I'm not Tony Pro. So let's just do this.

Let's just take the first flight out. And if it's at 6 a.m., that means they're going to be there at 5. I love getting up at 3 a.m. I would just pull an all night or probably No I can't trust myself to fall asleep and wake up If I'm only gonna sleep an hour No, you're not gonna sleep an hour

You're gonna cancel your spot at the fucking store No way And you're gonna go to bed at nine And get five hours sleep so you How the fuck do you go to bed at nine? What are you taking? I'll give you a little something All right, all right, I'm going to bed early tonight

You call me and we'll get you something And you go to bed at nine And you get up And let's say the alarm set set up at two three You'll get up at two three, you'll get up at two, 30 to give you an extra half hour to drink your coffee in peace. Write your little log, go on the internet, tell somebody on Twitter that their mother's ass smells like Bayonne.

And that they need a bidet from Tushy. That they need a bidet from Tucci. You get in your car and you drive down there. You go to the airport at 4.30. You park right next to the elevator. Yeah. And you walk in, you go through clear. Because they're not, I'm a felon.

They don't give me that. I got to take my shoes off. They want to smell my fungi toes. So I give it to them. And you go in there and you pray that somebody's open. You know, like when I went, when I left Boston, legal seafood is open. Bitch. Have a little morning lobster?

I want to add my little legal seafood card. Oh, shit. We got to get some seafood, bitch. Yeah. I got them all. I got legal seafood. I'm going to, I'm going to gee fucking roll with you and then we're going to get. I got my little credit cards, but I got a thousand of these.

I got about $21,000 on Jersey Mikes. Oh my God, it's so funny. Because I like the turkey and Provolone sandwich. Look, Jersey Mikes is good. No, it's not good. Come on. Turkey and Provolone is good.

That's it. Everything else is boxed up. Okay. Nah, the cheesecake ain't bad. Listen, you got to, you have to adjust your expectations when you're not in New Jersey. You missed the East Coast?

I do miss the East Coast and I'm excited to go back for the holidays but I am very happy here but I do like it's fun to meet East Coast people here I got in a fight with this chick in the audience in the main room it was not the same chick you know I get a PMS yeah I get a little you heckle me when I'm PMSing you're going to get a bitch

but so I was like fighting with this girl and it was fun I mean it was fun you know when you like you know when you go too far but it feels good when you lose it and you're like oh god that felt great it was like that you know and afterwards i was like i probably shouldn't have lost my shit so much even though it ended well and then everyone came up to me afterwards and they're like that was awesome i rose for some reason it was like all east coast people in the audience so everyone fucking loved it they were like so psyched you know in

lilly they're like chill don't why don't yell and in a philly they're like well fucking beat the shit out of this bitch it's funny that your accent doesn't tell me philly but everything else about your body language, your attitude, the way you move your hands. Everything else is very Philly. I mean, it comes back when I go home. Like I'll come back from from Christmas, probably sounding pretty Philly. Avery Z. Eggs over there. What are you guys for the future? What are your plans for 2020? What do you want to do? 2020? I'm trying to go into 2020 with no beefs, no, like, because I honestly, I don't really have any ill will towards people, but I'm just trying to like drop any sort of like expectations maybe of people, like trying to forgive every,

and myself for all my stuff just going really like clean. I want to go and clean to 2020. Did you mean work wise? Workwise? Yeah, rich and famous. How are you gonna get that? I don't know, we'll see. It's gonna happen.

You got a plan? I'm working on like, I'm writing some stuff. It's just focusing on stand-up. I'm writing some other stuff. I want to write a book. I got plans. Yeah, no, I really, I don't know, I just, I'm just happy. I just think my set evolves.

You are very happy. Whenever I see you, you're going to go up. You make me happy at the store. You're one of those people that it's always a pleasure. See, the other thing was that night I fell, I'm laying there. You ever watch, like, a football player, when a play gets broken up,

and he lands and he holds his knee, and then he holds his head. Okay. Because the pain is so much that you have to control yourself. Like, I'm surprised I didn't pass out at the store that night. Like right now, my leg is healed, except for a... It feels like somebody shot me in the ass with a needle. and they did it like without training.

It's like a little numb pain, that numb pain, yeah. But that night I was in pain and I was breathing out of my nose. I was focusing really hard not to pass out. They turned me around and, you know, Whitney was talking to me and trying to get me pain pills and figure out what it is and ask me if I want to go to the hospital. In the middle of all this, Annie Letterman looks me in the fucking eye and goes, hey, you want to blow job?

Now, I don't care how much pain you will. I don't care if you're dying, if you're taking your last breath. When you ask a man if he wants a blowjob, he doesn't give a fuck. He has to think of twice. He can be bleeding from your side. You can be bleeding from your side, and you'll actually think about it. Can I bleed and get a blowjob at the same time? And I look at it and I'm like, you got to knock it off.

Because I don't want nobody sucking my dick. I'm an old man. It's a shame. Like, I feel bad for a young girl that would suck my dick. It's a real injustice to them. when they go home and they go and his sperm was a little chunkier it was so slow

I'm 56 it's a different type of fucking dick I go Annie knock it off and she goes I wasn't going to suck your dick I wasn't going to get one of these guys to suck your dick let me tell you something I went from being in pain and that's what people don't understand with a guy

like me like I went to the same doctor for 22 years because I'm scared of doctors but he figured out how to soften me up by telling me funny things. The real genius of comedy is changing how somebody feels

like I love it. I don't love it, but I love when somebody's parent dies and I have to call them or I have to go to their house. I know what it feels like to lose a parent. But it's such a morbid fucking time

in your life. It's so morbid that your inner respect for a parent, your mom or your dad, doesn't even want you to, like, you're like, how can I even think of putting it on Seinfeld at a moment like, you know, like your inner, but you're praying for joy to say something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the type of motherfucker that will come up to you and hug you and say, I'm really sorry

about your dad. I know how much you loved them. Yeah, it's been a real blow to my family, my mother can't get over it. I go, well, fuck it. At least we're getting that boat down the yacht. Yeah. You look at me and you go, you're such a dirty mama.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, don't make me laugh. Like people, when somebody looks at you and says, please don't make me laugh. Please don't see. My friend, yeah. You did your job. My best friend got a cesarean section.

She was like, you can come over and meet the baby, but she's like, you can't make me laugh. And I was like, it was the best day in my fucking life. I'm such a cunt. She was like, please stop, please stop, please stop. But I just could. I was like, don't you dare tell me not to make you laugh. I love all that shit.

Oh, it was the most fun. I love, I love, like, I love, like, I still remember one particular night. My friend had a broken arm. My friend was having the month from fucking hell. We were 18. He went to, you know how you throw your car at somebody? Like he threw the car at somebody.

He stepped like leaves crossed the streets on the Italy. Yeah, when Esther Coo is going by and I run her ass over. Yeah. And you stop before you get there. He went to stop and he hit my friend. My friend got up. And my friend threw a punch at him. My buddy put his arm up to block him.

He was so skinny, it broke his arm. Oh, my God. He was having the month to hell. Oh, my God. So he's got a broken arm. He's got a girlfriend in high school that's hot to try. Yeah. She's available to the highest bidder.

Everybody says she sucked a good dick, whatever. You brought her a ring. You out didn't. Yeah. So he bought her a TV. Oh, my God. And she was at home. She broke up with him.

He was at home watching the TV with the guy. Oh, yeah. So he kept calling her up at home, calling her a cunt, yeah. Fucking whore and all this shit. She actually came up to the bar. threw a fucking beat on him in front of all of us. That's so funny.

We were all kids. She jumped out of the car and just started smacking him. She's a jersey girl. Don't you ever call me a whore? Your mother's a whore. And he's getting beat up. We pull her off or put her in the car. We take him inside.

We sit down. We're sitting there. He's just staring at his beer. And he goes, I should go down and take that fucking TV. That's what I was thinking about. And next, you know, my buddy goes, just look at the bright side right now

her and Lou's are probably watching that TV and I'm never forgetting popping his head up and just shaking it you know and then laughing yeah like that's when you go you know what man that's what it's for it's our gift and that night was another I went home and I told my wife we were both fucking laughing

and I said and I hit you up that night and I said thank you for making me laugh at such a difficult it was a dick because I was I think about Miami. Yeah. I had two weeks that I could not cancel. Yeah.

I couldn't cancel. Like I would have to go up there with stitches. There's no way. Would you have a wheelchair? No. I did it. I did it. I went home.

I did it the right way. I asked it. I did it from A to Z. I ended up an urgent camp because it's swollen too big. I did the two days of pain pills. I got rid of it. I got a steroid. But then the healing process has been acupuncture, cryotherapy,

novitor, massage. Nate Ellenberger gave us a gun to bust out your muscles. So at night, I don't even ask my wife, I just bust out my leg muscles. And then I stretch. It makes me stretch that hamstring. Yeah. Because I stretch it. I bust it all the way down to my ankle.

And it's like a fucking machine gun that breaks up all your blood. Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about. And then I hang my legs upside down. I mean, I've worked on this hamstring. I gave it blood. I've been doing leg extensions and still go to, but now I've been kickboxing. Yeah. I've kicked box twice in 10 days.

and nothing so far. Can you roll or no? No, I'm not going to roll at all at all. That's too. Yeah, it's going to go. Hip ascapes. That's it. Hip escapes and passing the guard, I can't do it.

That's definitely, you know, when somebody slices through on the pass. How long have you been involved with Jitsu? I've been doing it on and off for like a year. What do you think so far? I love it. It's so fun. And you love the Nogi. Yeah, I do Nogi.

Just Nogi straight. I mean, I never tried gie, so I don't know. I can't. There's nothing to compare it to it. It's a lot of fun too. I mean, I would try all of it. It's so fun. I mean, I can't believe.

I'm like, what the fuck was I doing? Exercising by myself and like a gym? That's so boring. And you know, like Dante? Oh, I know Dante. Is he your boy? Yeah, that's my boy. I saw him the other night.

He was at the store. He was at the store. Yeah, yeah. That's what I heard. I sent a picture to Scotty Epstein. Did you see the video that, that I made with the, I'll send it to you. We made a video because he's got these giant. we call them Dante, like they're these big, giant black dummies for, I guess, striking or whatever.

So we put them out back and we did a video where I was pretending to blow them and he came back to catch me. And he was like, Dante, and he was, get back in class. And then I'm blowing them and I go, don't tell my dad. Don't tell my dad. And then they like pan over to the one black student who's just like shaking his head. And that's not. No, it wasn't Dante. Dante hasn't been there in a sec.

Dante, if you're listening, what the fuck. No, I got to call him. He said he hurt his foot. He stepped in class or something. Yeah, I called him via night. I called him via night and checked up on him. I know you got to get roommates and whatnot. So, yeah, Dante's family for 20 years.

Dante's been family since 1997. Yeah. I still remember coming home in my house, falling asleep with a bag of fish. He would go to Rouse, and go to Rouse. You buy fish, and they'll cut it up and fry it for you. Okay. He would be hammered.

He would fall asleep in Finney, my cat, would figure out how to go in the bag. I'll never forget he woke up. He's like, get this motherfucking cat out of my fish. The cat hadn't been in the fuck and he was headfirst in there. Lucky cat.

His whole head was greasy and everything for a week. He looked like fucking Elvis, the cat. His hair was all green back. He had grease around his ears. The whole fucking thing. But Annie, no, I want to thank you for saving my life that night. Yeah, of course. You made me fucking laugh.

You definitely have a fan with me. If you ever need anything, you just look out. And I'm a fan, man. I love what you do. I love what you do. I love your style. I feel kindred to you.

I feel like you. And I do want to be more. I want to, I got to study you a little bit because I do want to be more. I have so many fucking crazy stories. And, you know, I'm going up and I'm telling these jokes and stuff, but there's not like, there's just like a lot of untapped stuff. So I really got to like, I've got to tap into that on stage more. When you were younger, you had delinquent problems.

No, yeah. You had any arrest. I didn't like that. I never got to. arrested um but i was like always running for my i mean i really was like i'd always be like in jersey city running from a tranny or something i mean it was like i just have so many i just almost died a lot it was just a lot of really like hanging out with really dangerous people with the booze it wasn't i mean i was drinking and stuff but it was just i my parents weren't watching me i just was i was just

out and um and i ended up going to a school for juvenile delinquents because they had a good art program and it's just like do not send your kids to a fucking school i mean i was like smoking cigarettes in the bathroom in public school, but I wasn't that bad, you know? And then I was with all these young criminals and it was just like, I just got taken by them. But I always had like that kind of Quaker upbringing. I was always like good, you know, so it was, it kept me from going too far. But it was a lot of like running like running, call the cops, call it like shit like that. Hell. It gets old, doesn't it? It just is a lot. And I think that's why I'm such an adrenaline junkie and why things like skydiving aren't fun because it's just like I just was in. I feel like I was. I feel like I was. I was old. It's old.

like the jungle book kid you know like I just was like in the jungle a lot and so now it's like nothing's really surprises me that much or I ask you a personal question are you looking for love at all of course yeah really yeah I think I want have a kid I've done ayahuasca four times in the past year and most of the times it's like be like you should have a kid so it's like about getting to a place in my career where I'm I feel happy and and good about it and then hopefully finding a partner and someone to like, you know, make a tribe with or something like that. Carry the lineage of my people. So I'm thinking about it.

I mean, I don't know, but it's, you know, I have a lot of to work on. I have some issues. Oh, you're very funny. You're a beautiful girl and you have a great career. Who do I fucking date? Who dates me? Who do I? It's like, who's the, it's hard.

If I was 20 years younger, better looking and I could keep up with you. I try you. You know what I'm saying? I give you a world, but it's, it's too much. You're a backbreaker. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot.

I got to find the right. person you're the real deal you need a special uh you need an opposite yeah you need the quiet guy that says she's crazy what can i do you yeah you need to date the guy that's like paulie and good fellas i talk to them all the time they don't listen yeah it's hard brian simpson do you know brian simpson i know the name yeah he does late night he's so funny he's really great you wouldn't see him just because you leave but he is fucking hilarious he just did david spade he did stand up on there but he um he said to me he goes you know what your problem is you're attracted to brilliance and it's So I end up, but it's like, I'm brilliant.

So then I'm like with these other minds and it's like we're all crazy. That comes with like beautiful minds come with a lot of crazy shit. Crazy shit, yeah. It's about figuring that out. Anytime you always have an open door here. I love you dearly. Thanks. I'm a fan and you need anything you call.

We got you back to the chair. Thanks, you too. I got you. If you ever need a, if you need a blowjob from a kitchen wigger at the comedy store, you got it. No, no. That's what I call them the kitchen wiggers. I don't need no blowjew. Look at them now and look at how they're kitchen wiggers.

I don't want no blowjoys, nobody. You understand? My dick is no, bino. All right, guys, it's a wrap on Joey's dick. Yeah, no, no, no. Any dates you want to promote? You hit the road a lot? I don't know.

I just, I just, um, right now working on getting a, getting back with a road agent right now. I got nothing, unless you want to take me. I like to, I love to do a couple days. Let's do some dates. I like to take, uh, women with me sometimes because a lot of girlfriends buy tickets for their boyfriends. These girls love their men,

so much that they tolerate meat for an hour. And I always feel bad. I go, I don't want to bring two guys because then the girl feels left out. When this three men show, a female left out, I want this show, I want a woman to go, you know what, man?

I took my fucking retarded husband to see Joey Diaz. He's disgusting. He's disgusting. Vile, he's disgusting. But Annie Letterman was really funny. And she was also vile and disgusting, but she has tits. Sort of. Yeah. At least you'll say something that they're like

it's not about dick on night. You know what's so funny about what you were saying earlier about people saying like or saying like girls being like one of the guys or whatever I always people like trolls or they'll be like she's just trying to be one of the guy or whatever it's like I was raised

with boys like I was raised I mean I just like had so much trauma and shit too it's like you guys have no fucking clue there's no like fake I'm not trying to do anything like this is how I am I was raised as a fucking dude. I was raised with women.

Yeah. My natural aura, I get energy from women. Yeah. I can't do anything without women. Yeah. Well, we all need each other. I don't want to fuck them. Yeah.

I don't need to fuck them. Yeah. I just need them around. I need that vaginal energy. Yeah. There's an energy that a woman has. The pussy power. You know, I was raised by a single mom who was always surrounded by her fucking little crazy

bitch's friends. And I was telling her woman. in the other, I still remember them playing dominoes and me being her age, like watching TV, but listening to them. And the one woman going, can you believe my fucking husband? He fell asleep at you and I eaten my pussy and all the point. Oh my God, what was wrong with him? I don't know.

He's hanging out with that guy doing, you know, like they were women. I miss that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I miss my mother and her friends. So my mother once told me, my mother, when I was like 12 or something, my mother didn't like the woman thing. My mother was like, when you get ready, they'll come to you. You know what I'm saying?

Like the first time, my mom didn't want me to grow up and be a fag. Yeah. But the first time I brought a woman over, my mom was like, you got to leave the door open in the bedroom. And I would come down and go, what's your fucking problem? Yeah. I'm trying to get a nookie coming. And she goes down while I'm here.

Yeah. Leave the bed open. The door open. But my mom used to always say to me, you know what? you can't fuck every woman and half of them have to be your friend so you and your friends knock it off with the bullshit and I really learn from that I get I do a lot if six chicks invite me to watch a football game or five guys I'll go to the chick's yeah and I don't want to fuck you yeah I just goof yeah I've always dreamed of that you see that yeah that's what I always wanted yeah that's what

I love that yeah I love talking to her I know it's precious to her to come to me when she's 13 and said, I dated a guy and he fingered me. That's not going to be. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to, you know, that. Yeah. I just went somewhere and a friend of mine and showed up with his daughter,

and he was saying horrible things. And I'm like, and he's like, oh, she knows everything. No, I don't know how to know everything. But I want her to feel comfortable in a circle. Right. And that's why I admire all of you.

Yeah. I admire you all you, all you little fucking bitches. All these, you know, Whitney, you know, the Chinese chick. Because you figure out of the way. Yeah, I love it. Wing Wing, Wang. Ying, that's my girl.

I'm a biggest fan, though. I have pictures of her and everything. I go to fucking airport and take pictures of a book. Yeah, I love Ying Ying. I love that all my heart. I love Allie Wong, and she knows it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She knows it, you know.

It's funny when you go at the, like, you know you're protected at the store as a woman. You know that if anybody ever lays a hand on you, they'll rip it. You've got like three guys. I went on a date with this guy and he, he said something, we were texting yet, we hadn't met yet. And he goes, said something about my voice.

I go, oh, have you heard my voice before? And he goes, no, I've never heard your voice, which by the way, bullshit. You hit me up. I'm a comedian. You're not going to check to see what I said it. Like, you didn't check to see. So he said he'd never heard my voice. He goes, well, where can I hear your voice?

And I was like, I don't know, dude. I just did you can, I just did a TV thing. You could listen to me on Rogan. He goes, I'd rather not. And I go, why? And he goes, because Rogan seems like someone who would, like, beat me up for hitting on his sister. And I went, he would only beat you up if I told him to. Like, what the fuck are you talking about, you pussy?

I was like, you've never listened to him, have you? I got to have to a beef with a guy around 10 years ago, 12 years ago to be exact. And then he tried to clean it up. And I smacked him at the ice house. And by the year later, I spit his face. I smacked a bitch last week. She pinched me. I just backhanded her.

go yeah don't come at me with violence i'm a trained i will i'm a weapon i'm a weapon i have nunchucks bitch i'll so uh it was funny that oh wait you were you slapped a guy at ice house i slapped him at the ice house but i forgot what the point of the fucking story sorry interrupted i'm too fucking high who gives a shit who cares it's monday morning that's all you should worry about it's two days before christmas and that's it man yeah it's the holidays is it good as good i see my family. So I'll get some dates to you next year. Let's do some dates, baby. Get you out there. You're a good lady. I got a lot of respect for you. Where can they find you? Where's your website? My website is Annie Letterman, L-E-D-R-M-A-N.com. You can get all your Annie Fix there. My dates when

I get them will be up there. And I'll be on David Spade again on the 9th of January. And I make a lot of videos and content on Instagram. I love entertaining people. So please follow my Instagram. It's just my name A-N-N-I-E-L-E-D-E-R-M-A-N. She's very interesting. I wouldn't have had her on if she was a Fugasey. She's the real deal I'll be funny. I'll be funny. I'll be nice to her. As you know, Kaloosa sold out. There's a few tickets left for San Francisco

at the Palace of Performing Arts. The 16th, I got Bakersfield, the Fox Theater. The 17th, I got Fresno. I don't know what theater it is. and the 25th of January they added a show at the Tabernack on Atlanta there's tickets out there on go to joie deers.net for merch for Christmas

and that's it but real funny real real quickly before we end the podcast I just want to talk to you about something listen most of us know how hard it is and how easy it is to get into debt you know what hard is getting out of debt

especially when your credit card score isn't that great listen to me Upstart they offer you a smarter interest rate to help you pay off your credit card debt. Upstart is tremendous. If you're in debt right now, this is the way to go. You know why? Because they go beyond the traditional credit score. Your upstart interest rate is based on your education, job history, not your credit history. They actually reward you for going to school. Upstart doesn't care about your bills. You didn't pay five years ago. They really don't. They care about the person you are now, who you've become.

and they give you a rate based on that. Plus, they make it fast, simple, and easy to check your rate in just a few minutes without affecting your credit score. The best part, once the loan is approved, most people get their funds the very next day. The next day, over 300,000 people have used upstart to pay off their credit cards. Free yourself from the burden of high-interest credit card debt by consolidating everything into one. This helps. I did it for six years, six-34-month.

to do it. This is how it works and you're going to start with Upstart. So right now, CY Upstart is ranked number one in that category with over 300 businesses on Trust Pilot. Hurry toupstart.com slash church to find out how low your upstart rate is. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes and it won't affect your credit. That's right. Go to upstart.com slash church. The church is also brought to you by. I'm sick and tired of telling you if you're this fucking. and stupid, I can't deal with you no more. December doesn't mean, ho, ho, ho. It means cash, cash, cash.

You know why? Because the lines on the bowl games are weak. You can kill them on the bowl games. If I can make you four, five and oh, and you can put $500 on these, that's $2,500, in just one week in December. And I tell you where it starts. MyBooky.orgie. Plus, my bookie has Christmas gifts for you.

They give it away 12 days of risk-free gifts, free bets, free spins, free futures, features, and more. My bookie's got a little something for everybody. You don't want to miss this promotion. The NBA, the NHL, they're in full swing, and we got college bowl games, like I told you, knocking on the door, and you got college basketball. What are you nuts or what?

So head over to mybooky.orgie.orgie right now and use promo code church. We got parlays. We got teasers. we got specials with My Bucky will make your Christmas a winner You're going to be a winner for Christmas, all right? Christmas Day when all these months Listen to Jingle Bells

You're going to be sitting around Count $100 bills like a fucking doctor Go to MyBooky.ag right now And use promo code church I'm going to get you half of your initial deposit And free wages That's what Uncle Joe is giving you for Christmas All right

And that's just the start You play, you win, you get paid My Bookie Now, as always Listen, the worst thing you want is to bump into a good-looking freak. She goes down on you, she licks your ball sack, and she smells that ass from a mile away. There's nothing worse than that. And guys, you ever go down to the woman, you can smell her ass before she gets there.

Me, I eat it. What the fuck? I slam in the hudson. I'm a soldier at debt. I don't complain. I'm lucky. I'm grateful that you give me a piece of ass. They call your tongue the tushy.

They don't care. I got a tushy tongue, and I got like a cat tongue. She gets two things to the price of one. You know what I'm saying? Mercy, tell him. Daddy got a cat tongue. You know what I'm saying? Anyway.

I don't think about it, yeah. All right. It's an amazing, unconventional gift for anyone in your life. Everybody has an ass butt. Everybody deserves a gift from Tushie. You're like, Joey, what's Tushie? Tushie's an portable bidet that you can install within minutes by yourself. No plumber, no nothing.

Let me ask you something. Do you think wiping your butt with dry toilet paper does anything? No, it removes the shit, but you got poop on the other part of your body. We just wipe it off with a dry paper. Water cleans better than dry paper. Thankfully, now there's a sleek bidet attachment that slips into your existing toilet and it's called Tushy and it sprinkles your ass with fresh water, all right? Tushy spray.

She's not even laughing at me. She's laughing at that goofy thing. It's a good time, though. Yeah. Tushy sprays directly into your mother. Muffling removes the shit completely so that you're not sitting on bacteria. You don't have that spicy ass, you know what I'm saying? And it creates nasty things like hemorrhoids, yeast infections, UTIs, itchy assholes, and skidmuffs.

You don't need to. Why are you talking shit on me? I'm right here. Because badees are common all over the world, except in the United States. They'd rather kill 10 trees than wash their butts with water. Water is the answer. Tushy sprays fresh water in that muffler, not toilet water. The same water you brush your teeth with.

All right. Wet wipes are even worse than toilet paper. Don't get me started, right? Listen, Tushie starts at $69. They come in different colors. The Tushie's latest product, the Tushy Atalman, is going to help you get everything out. Do me a favor.

Just go to hellotushy.com right now. Look at the assortment they got. They got a 90-day guarantee on the bidet. Me and Lee, we've had a bidet for, what, four years. If our assholes haven't broken it, You're a little skinny, little healthy-ass, ain't going to do nothing to it. Do you share the Badae?

No, he's got one of those. So go to hellotushy.com right now and press in church and get 10% off your order. This is the perfect Christmas present. Your grandfather, grandmother, your aunt, they'll sit there, their jaw drop, and you get a good laugh, and they get to walk around with a nice asshole.

Yeah. I just sit and bingo with things developing in their asshole. I want to thank hello tushy.com. I want to thank my bookie and I want to thank Upstart. But most importantly, I want to thank you savages for listening and supporting the podcast. And I want to thank you and wish you guys a Merry Christmas just in case you don't listen to Wednesdays. I want you to listen to what I'm telling you right now. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday and for you and your families to be healthy

and for you guys to get ready for 2020 and to have a great new year. I'm grateful to you guys for all the support that you've given me coming to the shows listening and just interacting with me on Twitter. I'm very grateful for that. So go, enjoy your day. It's Monday.

The rules still apply. You stab a motherfucker if they fuck with you. The world ain't going to give you nothing for dick and you got the world by the ball. So go out there and get what's yours. I want to thank Annie Letterman. I want to thank the Christ killer, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys.

I love you. Have a great Christmas Eve. And we'll talk. in the next couple of days. Kick this mulee. The pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody

twice as smart as I somebody who to be truce to do who leaves company how he does your puzzle fits. So when I'll discover that revenge is sweet.