The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #750 - Carlos Alazraqui

Episode Date: January 8, 2020

Carlos Alazraqui, is a stand up comedian and actor seen in (among countless other projects) "Reno 911," "Rocko's Modern Life," and as the voice of the Taco Bell Dog, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in church.   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.     

Greetings from Podcastville. It's Wednesday, the 8th of January. A beautiful day to be alive. And also Elvis Presley's fucking birthday. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with Joey Bananas? The church is brought to you by Stamps.com. Listen, time is money, baby. Stop wasting time going to the post office when you could use Stamps.com.

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Get the new year started, healthy, and right. Kick this motherfucking meal, Lee. We're coming at you strong, all right? We're starting a new year. We ain't fucking sitting. We ain't looking around. We ain't cheering. We're fucking jumping up and down, motherfuckers.

That's how to start a new year off. Enthusiasm gets the fucking body going. Let's do it. Let's do it. Bang it. Oh shit. I can't know. I don't know.

That's a sin. Oh, here we go. Take that meal. It's too low. Come on. I want blood. coming out of ladies. Even if you're not Irish,

jump. Carlos Larki. Salta. The blind Jew, Uncle Joey. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, what, what, what. Carlos is a little door in there.

It's going, Salta, Salta, Salta. It's great to see you, my brother. Good to see it, Joey. Unreal to believe that we've both been in this town for Bay. basically the same amount of time. Yeah. 94.

Oh my God, no, you beat me. I got you. Yeah, I'm coming out on 23 years. Yeah, that's a long time. I don't feel to still be here. Well, since I've moved around a lot and there's been life changes, not so brutal. Since I've got things going in a good direction in terms of family, kids, direction, career. If it wasn't going that well, I would feel like, oh, fuck, I've been here a long time.

I've got to get out. I've got to crawl through shit pipe with Tim Robbins. didn't raise my arms up in the rain and just going, I made it. But no, I feel good. You know, I reminded you last week when I bumped into you that, you know, you gave me my first job and you forgot all about it. I don't remember that. And it was through a friend of yours, geeky, smart guy, glasses. Yeah.

We shot a short film with cameras. He took out of the garbage from 7-Eleven. The 7-Elevens threw away all their security cameras. And he took those cameras. rigged them and we shot this film and we he screened the director's guild on sunset and i don't know what i think i played a homeless guy dragging a body or something i don't remember it was like my first you know and i always but it was crazy because i always knew who you were uh-huh when i started comedy the big publication was just the laps oh yeah san francisco yeah yeah so they broke down everything that

was going on then you won the year with 93 with my good Pat and Oswald, Mark Merrin, and Stephen B, and Rick Currence. And my brother, Rick Curranes, and Carlton Williamson. Carlton Williamson, you're right. That's the name I've been trying to come up with for the last. Look, it just came out now. Wow. It just came out now.

Wow. And I was playing Houston years ago. Had to be 12 years ago. I was doing this shitty room. And when I got off stage, it was Carlton Williamson. Mm-hmm. And he came up and introduced himself. And I go, bro, yeah.

What happened? You took like fourth in San Francisco. And he was like, you know, I moved down here. Because people don't remember that. Back in the early 90s, those contests were the biggest things you had. They were the biggest things, yeah. Johnny Walker Red. Yeah.

I won the Bex. The Bex one. I did a Moosehead one in New York, and I was like, oh, I was way green. I remember going from Wallet Creek, California, the punchline, and I won that section, and I went to New York, and I was so green. And that was from Moose Head. Moose head. What year was that?

But it had to proceed the San Francisco one. I want to say it was around 89 or 90. Oops, 89. Wow. So you, like I'm, do you know the lady named T.J. Lalo, M.J. Lalo. I've heard that name, yeah. Yeah, she's a voiceover coach here in town.

Okay. She just retired. I go, I used to go to her to do all my voiceovers. Yeah. For I have an audition. She has an office in Burbank. Yeah.

And she was an open mic with you. Wow. Okay. And she told me the old, She knew all the names, all the players, people that would come through when she goes to the most memorable guy was Carlos. Yeah, I always had a repetition as a nice guy. Right, no, please.

You're the cream of the crop. I'm kind of proud of that moniker. I'll wear it, yeah. That's one thing you are, a gentleman if not, you wouldn't be on this fucking show with us. I'm a nice Crash Davis. No, you all, even I remember going up to you and saying, I'm a dear friend of Rick Curran's, even though Rick's my brother,

but at that time it's not the kind of name he wanted to drop around, but you appreciate comedy. Yeah. And the life that comes with it, Rick lives it to the fullest. He was the embodiment of speaking about his pain. You know, he just,

she just breathed that. We're the liquor store. I remember that just hit, that phrase, we gotta get to the liquor store. That was one of his bits. I don't remember his whole bit, but he was just,

he and Marin, I thought, were very similar. They really both came from a place kind of like really dark pain. And Oswald from his twisted sense of humor, but yeah, Cairns is a, he was a stand-up guy he was really nice to be.

That's all I remember. From Denver, right? Yes. Yeah, I just remember being really honest, nice. Very, very nice. There wasn't any of that pettiness of the competition bullshit?

No, he's very straight up, very crazy, very, you know, I think about him a lot. I just went to Denver and called him, my respect. He was out of town. He was in Tucson taking care of his mother. Good, but he's been through some stuff, right?

Yeah, he's been through some stuff the last few years, but he's also, he's been writing for Ron, you know, White and Larry the Cable guy. He wrote for two years for the guy in Vegas that won the best comic of the year. So he had a great job there. You know, Rick's had a great career, whatever. Listen, man, this is a career that has a lot of pitfalls.

Oh, yeah. And, you know, I was part of those pit bulls for 12 years out of here. I was on fucking drugs, too. I mean, it just happens. Thank God it didn't take me down. Thank God I was a functioning fucking addict. And then the second big job, we booked together was, I get here in 97, first people who say hello to me.

Nobody ever talked to me. No theatrical agents, no management, first people who talk to me are Sutton Barnary. Uh-huh, SBV. Come up to me, and they're like, we want you to sign with us, and I'm like, talking, what are you talking about? And they're like, you want to shoot commercials? And I'm like, what are you talking about? Fucking know nothing about commercials. They took me down to LaBreya across the street from...

Marie Callender's at that time. No, what was the name of the mall that's now big? On LaBrea. Wow, I don't know. Not LaBrea. City. People go in the middle there. It's right now.

The Grove. Oh, the Grove. Their offices across the street from the Grove on the second floor. And I still remember going down there and doing paperwork, and I'm going, what exactly am I going to do? and they're like, well, we're going to send you out for commercials and we're going to send you out for voiceovers. Have you ever?

And I'm like, I've done one thing on film, an industrial and a college movie, which I wouldn't show anybody. Show us you're real or not. There's no real. And then, you know, they sent me out for Church's Chicken. I still remember my first audition on sunset across the street from where the hook is hung out.

Yeah. That's kind of that's not Chipotle. Chipotle. It's Chipotle. Didn't Pablo book that church's chicken campaign? So Pablo booked that church's chicken. So I was like, fuck, I get it now. And I heard what they paid them.

And I'm like, holy shit. So at those days, you went out for auditions every day. Oh, yeah, you did. Every day. Every day. You left your house at 901. Check your pager. Oh, yeah.

While you were walking out at one, you were like, ah, go down the fuck and what's his name. They want to see you at 1.30. It was mind-boggling. It was. How much of your day went to auditioning? You couldn't make plans. There's a hell of a lot less traffic and more parking, too, in order to get it done.

Yeah. Oh, my God. You could get it done. Ocean Avenue? Yeah, got to go to Venice, got to go to Hollywood. Ocean Avenue. My big things were Ocean Avenue and Bundy. Yep.

Those were the ones. Bundy at 430. Good luck. And I went there like I fucking, like a Korean missile. I was fucking headed there, cutting people off in traffic. It's just got to do. You didn't give a fuck. You pulled into.

Bundy, the guy had a German Shepherd. Yeah. The guy that owned the place. Brian Boyd casting. You walked in there. There was 90,000 people in there, six rooms. And I still remember they called me in a week before 4th of July weekend. And they were like, you're reading for Taco Bell.

Oh, wow. Terry Burland. For the part of a Cuban taxi driver in Miami. And I go, okay. And the director was fucking great. I forget what his name was. He went out to put me in. eight more commercials, whether they wanted me or not.

We're looking for a Chinese guy. Joey Diaz is the construction guy. He was great to me. But it all started with that commercial. I went in, booked a callback. I spoke a little Spanish, booked a call back. It was 4th of July weekend. So they gave it to me on a Friday at 9.30 in the morning.

And at one, they called and they said, listen, Taco Bell scrapped your commercial. But they want you to come down and work the three days in Venice right off of up the corner from the really good pizza place that they make it on bagels. Abbott-Kinney Pizza. Abbot Kenny Pizza. Venice and Electric Avenue. Come on now. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Yeah.

They used to be in a vacant lot there. Yep. That was our base camp. I remember that. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I rehearsed for my one-man show with the daughter of Edmund O'Brien, very famous actress from the 40s, who married Ogles San Juan. the two sisters used to live on Willowcrest

right next to me in North Hollywood. Maria O'Brien was his daughter and her house was right on that empty lot right by that, right by Electric Avenue. So every time I would go to rehearse, I'd go to Abbott Kinney, get the bagel crust pizza. Every time. That's why I know where it is. How fucking great was it when you had an audition down to York?

Thank God. Avid Kenny pizza. I get to get two slices of cheese pizza. Now, instead, I don't make it to Aba Kenny, but when I'm on that side, I go to 10th in Wilshire, Santa Monica Seafood Market. I sit at the bar.

Seven days a week I can get red clam chowder, Manhattan Best clam chowder and fish. That market, I'm telling you. Santa Monica seafood market, 10th and Wilshire. Where the hot commercial place is now? I haven't been in a commercial. I haven't been in a ton either. 1035, Allison Horn is on Sycamore.

There's a great one on 1035 Olympic because my daughter goes a ton. My daughter goes on way more stuff than I do. So I know that that's a hot one. Allison Horn is a hot one. 200 South Librea is still a hot one. That's on the Pecko. Ocean Avenue, there's still a big one over there. Pecco?

Yeah, right by the Pecco. Oh, that was my favorite because I go to Pecco. You're cat food and your cat leashes. There's 444 Lancashem is a pretty good one for the Valley. They do a lot of stuff there. They do a lot on Ventura. It's on Lancashem. There's a couple on Ventura as well.

Ventura and Eureka, where the Marshall's clothes is. There's a little commercial audition. Yes. In the corner. Yeah, they pretty much have a change. The more popular one is up the corner by the car wash. Yeah. It's a long building.

Yes. And that's where I saw the little Chinese girl. It was raining out in L.A. Uh-huh. And all fucking nine studios were packed. And people were standing outside getting wet. I remember walking in the sign and going, why is not there people outside getting wet?

And there was a little Chinese girl with 20 headshots on the floor. And her and her girlfriends and the mother were deciding what headshot do you use. And I was like, that's fucking crazy shit that you wouldn't. There's people outside in the rain. Yeah. And you're standing here. But back to your story. Yeah.

Okay, and I go down there the first day, and they say sit in your trailer. You know, we're going to pay you. Just sit for three days. If you want something to eat, go get that crafty. And I'm sitting at the lunch. They call lunch. I'm all eating together. The director's two tables away.

And I got the commercial. You know who booked the principal in that commercial? Buzz Bay Mundo. Hi. Never him, yeah. R-I-P, good guy. His wife was an agent. Yeah.

I had just gotten here. I've been here six months. I was looking for guidance, you know. like you, I would ask questions. You know, you ask stupid questions. And it was three days of him giving me knowledge about the comedy works and how it worked and be careful with this. And he was a great guy. So the director heard me talk. Kiska Kiska Kiska was his name White dude Big dude And he came over to me

And he goes Bro Stick close to me I'm gonna get you In this fucking commercial Because you just made me Laugh my ass off Yeah

Stick close to me So who's shoe And he goes You know why I got an idea He goes Why don't you get your shoes Shined

And we'll let the dog Run past you Oh that's you So I was getting my shoe shined. Another comedian was a sag extra. He shined my shoes. That's you. He looks as the dog goes by. That's you in the chair? That's me in the chair. Holy shit. So they shot three the first time. They shot the Miami

commercial. They shot the ass to trip with the fat kid that was really, really fat. He was the laugh factory regular. Yeah. And he was in cowboy blues. Wow. Cowboy, whatever, the first football one, he's the big guy. Look for him today. The Wyman, right? Yeah, he lost all the weight. He did the surgery and then now he's blessed. Nobody wants to get me work, but I'm not a fat guy.

Go fuck yourself. You should have kept eating. Yeah. Gotta watch out. That's your way in the door. Then you gotta lose weight gradually. You can't go from 900 pounds to 180. That's like, you know.

You just lost your career. That's like getting a free agent that's a fastball pitcher. Now all of a sudden you want to throw a curveball? Yeah. We draft you for your fastball. You got to do it gradually to trick them. Or fatball. Let's look at their headshot.

Whoa, he's not fat enough, but he was good in the audition. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? But if you walk in there looking like you got cancer, you had 900 pounds, it's not going to look good. So they shot three of those commercials. Uh-huh. And then I found out you were the voice.

Yeah. And, you know, I never talk about money on here. Never do I talk about money on here. I was fucking eaten. When I booked that commercial, my menu pretty much was breakfast at Josh Wolf's house, whatever he cooked. scrambled eggs, tofu eggs, you got to eat. Yeah.

And then I would scrap of money from somebody, Doug Stanhope, Mitch Hedberg, and I would go to Wendy's and get the 69 cents cheeseburger and a bowl of chili. 1996. 97. Ninety-seven. You're right, December 97. Scott LaRose and the other guy were on fire with the McDonald's commercials. Yeah, that's right.

They were on fire. Scott Rose was going to the bank every day and banking up a brink's, fucking truck. Yeah, that's right. They were playing those McDonald's commercials. But that Taco Bell commercial, I shot at July, 4th weekend. I got paid August 15th. And by fucking September, they were just running the fuck

out of it. Oh, yeah. And the success was so overwhelming that they kept playing it and playing it. And they didn't have time to scramble. Like, they didn't know the success of the door. Yeah. And then you at the end, you get a Taco Bell. They had no idea what they were. Yeah.

Then they ended up making, you know, how many more did you shoot? I think about 40 in the end. I did Spanish ones too. No shit. This nave no poeer deeer much rapid. Can't this boat go any faster? Yeah, I did a couple Spanish ones. And you, at the time, yeah, you did like 40 of those.

I did 40. There's spots that people pull up today. I don't even remember that. I don't even remember that. It was you in that spot, and I've seen that spot several hundred times. Listen, they paid me for, a tenth of a second. Yeah.

And they made Fernando Verdugo, was his name. Uh-huh. He was an open-mic comic. Until this day, when he sees me, he hugs me. Yeah. And he goes, man, thanks. Because I dragged him with me. I said, come, stick close.

Yeah, awesome. The guy says he's going to put me in. Don't go to your trailer. Yeah. Stick close. Not too close. I want the guy to turn around and go, oh, bring him in here.

Yeah. Stick, you know, and you learn that from Gene Hackman. And his book always said, I never leave the set. Yeah. I want to see what's going on. I want to get the feel of the set. People who hide in their trailers are fucking amateurs. Yeah.

So because of that, I read that, that's why I learned that. Yeah. And I remember making, I think I made 80 grand in four months. Wow. The first four months, it was like I couldn't even go to the back. I didn't even have a checking account. Yeah. Because I was wanted by the federal marshals.

So I had a check, how to cast my check. Yeah. Whitley. Yeah. Whitley in Hollywood, that check cash in place. Wow. People by name. Yeah, there's probably the most of them ever had anyone cashed there.

Yeah, I knew those people by name. And you went with that and just became a voiceover act. Yeah. Pretty much. That kind of helped. I was already doing voiceover. I was doing Rocko's Modern Life and Cat Dog. And then I was touring.

And I was in town. I worked on the Stephanie Miller show as a sketch player in the UPN, 13 weeks of James Wesley Stevens, the 3rd. and Kara Mariyama from the ground. Where is James Wesley's? I don't know. Now, what was that show? The Stephanie Miller show on UPN.

It was a talk show. And we were the irregular, regular. So I would do announce top of show live. I would announce after the show. On ABC. On UPN. It was on ABC. No, it was UPN.

We filmed it in the Dr. Phil State 29. Actually, in the Soul Train stages. Stage 29 in the Paramount lot. 1995, thinking I had made it. I got a drive on on the Winsdergate, got my Winsder card. I ain't going to fucking visitor. is the music director.

He was like her co. James Westisdemeanor 3rd was a comic. Comedy. He did impressions. You know, I know who is. No, I remember who he is. And we had another music director. It was another black guy.

Forget his name. He was very good. But it was a talk show. It lasted 13 weeks. We got fired at Christmas. And I thought, fuck, I got to go back on the road again. But Stephanie goes, no, I have a radio show. And you can pay 1,000.

The old KABC building on Las Jena where it meets Fairfax, which is now gone. They're building apartments there. And I would go. five days a week and do these radio sketches from five to seven. They would play them and I would drive home. And that kept me in town. And I wasn't on the road. And then at that time,

there was an audition right around mid-96, late-96 for Taco Bell with Terry Berland. So I was in town because of the Stephanie Miller connection. You know, her TV show was gone. But then she got a radio show again. And she goes, you want to do voices and sketches on my radio show for like $1,000 a week? I'm like, that's fucking great money as a comic at that time. Yeah, instead of going on the. road. I can stay here. In the month. Yeah. Spots around town. Yeah, I can do spots around town. I can audition. Yeah. It kept me in town for that audition. And it was four words on a piece of paper. Terry Berland, Westside. And I'm like, you'll care a taco bell. This is fucking waste of time. How am I going to get this? And I go, you know, you get it. She goes, nope, don't want to hear that. I bet. Just do your own voice. Do it a little deeper. You want a fucking waste of time. Bullshit.

drive home, you know, then I show up the first session, they go, act like this is your body, like you're like you're dealing. And I act a little tougher and like, pst, you kill a taco bear. Then I went, good. Thank you. All right. That was a demo. That was like, all right, thank you.

Did a demo, got paid for the demo. And then next thing I, I mean, out, I think, do it. Oh, my God. It just blew up, as, as you said. I had no idea. And so that changed the scope of my career from being like, for me, the road. was always tough. It was always, I felt it as a soulless thing. It just wasn't my love. So I was like, yes, I can stay in town, I can do these commercials. And then that booked me more, I did a fucking

Hollywood squares. I'm talking to Sugar Ray Leonard, who at the time was 44 years old. I was 40, he goes, how old are you, man? Like, I'm talking to Sugar Ray Leonard. He goes, you got, 44, he goes, you got any kids? I don't have any kids. No, how'd you do that? How'd you pull that off? I'm like, I'm about to give Sugar Ray Leonard some advice. I don't know. I've always been afraid. But I was talking to Sugar Ray Leonard. I heard my name, Carlos Ellis Rocky for the block. So I wasn't high, but it felt like I was high. I'll take Carlos Allos Rockie for the block. And I'm in the square looking out at a show I used to watch as a kid. It was all fucking surreal. So, yeah, strange that we would have these connections that I've

compartmentalized and forgotten about. But that was a pretty incredible time because both of our lives changed respectively. Yeah, I had all this money coming in and I had a merchandise deal and I had to move out of my apartment because like you, for tax purposes, you need to get a house. Oh, fuck, okay. And I bought one in the valley and modest little house. I could afford it. I didn't go nuts. I didn't go like, I'm going to live on sunset Boulevard in a mansion because I'm the Taco Bell done. My brother was like there to like, no, invest your money. If I can buy a house you can afford, put it in a in a financial market planning thing. do all those things, which I did, and it paid off.

But yeah, our lives change. You know, you go from having, I had a moderate amount of money. I lived in a studio apartment in Burbank. I was paying $6.95 a month for a studio apartment and doing some voiceover work and doing some comedy on the road to pay for that. And then this thing happened and it's, I've always spoken about how every comedian's journey is different. Yes.

You know, I too, if I can have it my way, now at this point in my life, I wouldn't go on the road. Yes. But I do love it so much. You still love it, yeah. I still love it to go out twice a month. Yeah. My body, I don't want to write a check.

I can't come. Do you do a weekend? I'll do a weekend. Friday and Saturday? Friday and Saturday. Four shows. Four shows, sometimes five. Travel with a comic you know and like?

Yes. That big difference. I would do that. Big difference. I would do that. I get my choices. I don't work. Sundays, I'd like to

travel on Thursdays from time to time if I want to work out material, I'll take a Thursday, especially at a local improv, like I'm doing Bray in March. Yeah. On Thursday, I'm doing Tempe in February. Yeah. It's not too far. You're in touch with your family.

You could bring them if you want. Yes, no. I don't try to bring them. I want them. Mercy would never leave school. Yeah. She got a trophy her first year. Perfect attendance. Never being late. Yeah. If Jesus comes to town, And as Jonas Brothers, she's not, she's going to school first. She's going to school first.

Yeah, you could. That's good. Get it on your iPhone for. I didn't want to do that with my career. I didn't want to involve them in that road thing because it's really not what I'm into 100%. Yeah. It's one of the many weapons that I use. Yeah.

To many avenues. It's definitely a suit of armor. If you're playing Dungeons and Dragons, that's a tool to have. Like, I'm a comedian, my comedian armor, you can't hurt me. Yeah, no, no, no. So that's, this is, I like what I'm doing. doing now you know I like the split yeah it's when I tell people when you get get sick of saying those jokes yeah then you shouldn't be on the road yeah get the fuck off the road because you're

doing them at the service yeah you know they got a babysitter and you're just being robotic you're on your eighth week in a row yeah that's what happened to me I wasn't right no no so I'd rather now I'm pretty fortunate I could do theaters so I could do a seven o'clock show that's perfect nobody's drinking Or they get the drinks outside and they sit. They sit. Their chicken wings going by. This year I'm trying to avoid late shows because I lost contact with the people who come to the shows

because you have to do two shows. You're going to be in that area. And the theater's like, listen, we'd like for you to come out, but if not, we're not going to start the second show until midnight. Fuck that. You know my daughter Austin. I nicknamed her when she was a baby.

I nicknamed her Friday second show because I couldn't fucking make her laugh. I go, you're Friday late show. I can't fucking make you laugh. That's hilarious. You get it as a comment. Do you remember when that was the rep, that was the big thing? Fucking Friday late show, you're in no danger.

Because they're really tired. They made a mistake. They made a mistake. They made a mistake. Who is this guy? I'm drunk. I worked all week. They didn't even know.

Some idiotic girl at work, the chubby girl at work always brings pound cake. Yeah. You know, the Julie McCoy or the office. Yeah. Every office has one of those chubby chicks. Nothing against you. You're cute. They get drunk.

They'll suck your little dick from time to time. You know what I'm saying? No, me too. That chubby. That's just a way of doing business. You know what I'm saying? They always schedule these things and people don't know. That's why I don't do New Year's.

Yeah. It's the same reason. I don't do New Year's. People, and I did 24 of them. Yeah, I ain't a party favor anymore. I did 24 of them and two of them were probably good. Yeah. Because it's just a nightmare.

You know, I don't want to, I never want the audience to have an unpleasant experience. Yeah. I want them to fucking laugh and have a great time. And, you know, well, Joey was great. He did four hours. Listen, I don't want to see fucking nobody do four hours. Yeah. No, I get, I respect the staff.

I have never that interesting to do four hours. Yeah. 50 minutes. Boom. There's one bit that's been working to close with. We're doing the hour and we get the fuck out. Get out. So you don't lose your attention span.

You guys are good. Give more, leaving wanting more. The staff loves you. Everybody gets to go home. Everybody's happy. Just a stat. Just to let you know. Yeah.

13 million people saw the Irishman on Netflix one week. 18% of them finished it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You know, when you put a thing on Netflix now, it's all done by algorithms. But they're seeing, if your show gets watched all the way to the end, you're a hit. Yeah.

Like, you're definitely getting picked up. If it gets stopped and then replay it again, they consider all those things. It's so fucking weird. It is, yeah. Netflix will never give you your real numbers because it's so confusing. Yeah. But I'm the same way. I just want to do 50 minutes, get off the stage.

Yeah. And talk to them. If I have two shows, I can't really talk to them. Yeah. Some of my favorite weekends when I was Garcia-Rena-N-1-1, and the Taco Bell dog was still just tail-end of it, and I got to travel with Joe Michelle Melian. And we were like-minded.

We like to get out during the day and go do stuff, walk through cemeteries and go to TGI Fridays after the show, not get crazy, but just talk about the show. She's somebody I bonded with. And I remember, if I had that situation again, I would do a weekend like you. I would go to Tempe. I'd even go all the way across coast just to do a weekend. That I could see myself doing again.

Friday and Saturday. Friday at Saturday. So you need. There's somebody I really like to be with. When I go on the road now, it's also an escape from what that's going on here. Yeah. It's an escape from the phone ringing from this guy on. a picture of script you know this that this i don't worry about that i'm on the road

you know that's why people contact me would you do my podcast i love to yeah but i'm on the road yeah but i'm doing fucking comedy yeah don't ask i'm doing i'm doing i don't want to do radio yeah i'm doing stand-up all i'm not selling t-shirts yeah i'm not selling merch yeah i'm just doing four fucking shows yeah and i want to be so focused that i want to give you the best show so you come back next year yeah that's it cool That's it. 18 months in between cities. That's perfect.

There's turnover there, yeah. They don't even remember your own. Yeah, exactly. And if you do throw a gem in from the old school, they'll appreciate it. Yeah. You know, nobody wants to go see Zeppelin and not hear a black dog. Black dog.

I know a lot of people don't like talking about it, but I thought something that was interesting. Was you used to do you got to talk about when you were 44? Oh, gosh, talk about 1996. I was born in 1962. So 34, right? Okay. Is that right? Does that make sense?

Yeah, I was around you're right. 34. Okay. Maybe I was maybe like the... No, Sugar Ray Leonard was 44. Got it. Okay. He had 10 years on me.

Which is why I didn't fight him. Okay. But it's a lot of people coming in there. Like, I was watching Spade and Stanley talk about being on an S&L like 25. Yeah. And that's pretty, like, you guys both came here and started semi late. And 34's not super late. But yeah.

So I get a big break. at that age to help you? 32 when I moved here, 94. Yeah, it does because you're a little bit more grounded. I mean, I've grown a lot since then. But yeah, it wasn't some 20-year-old kid because if I did get Taco about when I was 24, I would have bought that house on Santa.

Yeah, done. And limos to the improv. Yeah, all that shit. I would have blown it. Bitches, topless bitches and money out the window. I did buy an Audi TT. That was my one big expense. It's really crazy the maturity.

What maturity does to you in this game. What a kid does. What a kid does. What a kid does. wife, kid, you're like, oh. And it's not just maturity. People look at it as, well, maybe Diaz is hard to work with. Like right now, you know, people hit me up every week.

I'm more, I do better on the internet. So every two weeks I get, we have a web series. Yeah. Not for nothing. Look at your fucking web series. I'm going to have to go and carry this fucking thing on my own. Then I'm going to get the call to tweet it. Mm-hmm.

And you can't pay me for that. Yes. That's not even. thing you know so it's like I really don't uh I don't even know what the topic was here that working young youth how to handle youth and fame youth and fame and people coming up to you and stuff i couldn't uh I told Lee if this would have happened 15 years ago this would have been gone by now yeah because you would have been I would have gone for something else I would yeah I would have stayed up and done coke 1115 you and him would have still been here yeah and this would have been

I wasn't I wasn't consistent yeah I was And those were the reasons why I wasn't getting the way, I was spinning my wheels, you know? But it's so weird how, how many people have you seen coming home? A lot. Quite a few. I've seen the most famous is Richard Jenny, you know?

No, no, no, no. I'm not talking about people dying. I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. The flame, the 15 minutes of fame, the boom. Many people came here with you. Yeah. And you struggled for years.

And all of a sudden, you moved a little ahead of him. and he lost his sight and one day you actually because, not because you're a bad person, but because there's so many little things going on in your life. One day you actually go, where the fuck is Lisa at?

Yeah. And you pick up the phone. What's up, buddy? And he's like, yeah, how are you doing? I tried to call you, but I think you were out of town. We moved. We moved back to Oakham. Yeah.

I'm selling real estate now. Mark Curry is a guy I saw him playing recently. Good old Mark. I just bumped into him. He's doing spots again, I think. He's doing spots at the store. One of the most naturally funny guys I'd ever seen. Yeah, you came up with Mark Carrey. Yeah. He ran, well, at that time, he was

running Oakland. Yeah. He ran, I still remember him running Oakland. Like, when he got his TV show, it was no surprise. Mr. Hooper? Mr. Yeah, hang on Mr. Cooper or whatever. Hang him with Mr. Cooper. You know, you got to remember when I got into comedy, all you guys had already been exposed. Yeah.

Through MTV, Comacazi. Sunday comic for Rosie O'Donnell. You know, there was so much comedy. When I got into comedy, I went home every day at 4 o'clock. Yeah, Club MTV, whatever. Comedy kamikaze was on. And they would shoot it from San Francisco. So I still remember seeing Felicia and Mark Marin.

And, you know, these are the guys. And at that point, they were all doing comedy four or five years. Yeah. They weren't really like power hitters, you know. They're pretty young still. You had that show. on A&E on Sunday? Sunday comics, comedy police.

Comedy at the improv? A&E. A&E comedy at the improv. With Bud Friedman, if you, I remember, and Bud introduced to me and I got to shake his hand after the set. I was like, wow, I made it. So you did the evening at the improv?

I did evening at the improv. Good for you, man. Yeah, way back when. Yeah, I did a bunch of shows. Gary Bynum's comedy on the road in Mexico and Puerto Vallarta. Gary Bynum from... Comedy on the road with Gary Bynum.

No, different Gary, Gary Binder. Binder, okay. Is it Gary Binder, the comedian? John Binder, sorry, John Binder. Gary Bynum was the guy in Arizona. John Binder's comedy on the road. We did it from Puerto Vajeta. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. How does it feel that be one of the elders now? It feels pretty good. Like I say, I'm a nice Crash Davis. I've been in this business for a long time, and so when I go to flappers and young comics are, you know, flapping their peacock feathers and stuff.

I'm just like, oh, that's awesome. That's good for you. Like, I always feel like, I got mine. I'm cool. I feel, I feel good. I feel I was very young when I approached it. And I approached it from, I wanted to be like this comic and that comic and that comic. It was never really myself.

I was a good performer. I could do voices. I could make a good set happen. That is never really me. So now I feel still like I'm young at comedy. But it still feels good to be the old guy to go. So I have to tackle about what started happening. After Taco Bell, that went until 2000.

That ended in 2000. The Michigan ad company sued Taco Bell because they said we came in, before Shia Day, we came up with the ad and you guys passed us. They won that lawsuit. Taco Bell ended in 2000. I'm like, fuck. I'm panicking. Now I got to go out on the road. I shove myself back out on the road again.

I didn't like it. At least I got to travel with Jill, though. So it was bearable. It was fun. And then in 2000, Christmas of 2000, no, 9-11 was 2001, right? 9-11 was 2001. 9-11 happens. I did some industrial thing for direct TV.

I was making a commercial. And then December of 2001, I did a movie with Ellen Page called I downloaded a ghost. Ellen Page, of course, is super famous, but I played at her ghost and you can see it somewhere. I did October, right after 9-11, I did a movie for Nickelodeon in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan for one month. Come back. And in December, there's an audition for Ben. Tom and Kerry for this sketch show called Ugly Americans. Jersey television

John Landgraf who now I think still runs FX and Danny DeVito's company Jersey films. And I go and do this three characters for Ben, Tom and Carrie. I do the shamimau. I call a guy that's selling a, you know, a cocktail now. It looks like

a cocktail. Did that guy. I did Woody Allen, and then I did Alpuccino as a children's birthday clown, which actually me a commercial with Spike Lee. So I did those characters. December, they said, yeah, you're going to studio, you go to network. I book The Ugly Americans as a sketch player with Nisi Nash, Ben Tom and Kerry, and Cedric,

and this woman named Amy Brissette, who's now living in St. Charles, Louisiana. Tremendous, great lady. Amy Preset, super talented. Super nice. Super talented. His children. Hi, Amy. You're amazing talent.

She's a great lady. We spoke. Well, she might come on the podcast when she comes. up. She played my daughter. And we do this pilot. We actually go to a table read for Fox, Gail Berman, and we do all our sketches that Ben and Tom and Carrey wrote. And Nisi's doing her thing. I remember she played a Q television slave. Like, there's a slave for sale on QTV. It's pretty inappropriate. But we do all these sketches. The meeting ends. And then next day, Fox is passing on this show. It's not going to happen. But you still got a budget. We've got one week to come up

with something. Meet us at the Sunset Gower Studio on Monday. We have an idea. We're going to go, we're going to make fun of cops. Go home and think about a character. We're going to call it Reno 9-1-1. I went home and I thought, oh, Barty 5, self-loathing, kind of a racist, he's a prick. Garcia doesn't think he's Mexicans, hates other Mexicans. He's all

law-abiding. That kind of guy and I showed up. Beth McCarthy from S&L was there. We filmed all these sketches. We rehearsed. We went out to San Pedro and we're making the crew laugh. We're making the fucking gaffers and the lighting and the electric guys laugh. And we go, that's fucking good. It's like making the staff laugh at a comedy club.

You know you got something. So 2001, we do that pilot in San Pedro for Reno 911. We do it. It's great. We think it's awesome. Take it to Fox, who we had to deal with. And they go, nah, we're passing. We're like, ah, fuck.

Oh, well, we tried. And then a year and a half later, back out on the road, actually instantly in 2001, back on the road. And then a year and a half later, Jim Sharp requests material from Ben Tom and Kerry because they had done the Viva variety show and in the state. And they said, this pilot that we shot reno 911 Fox didn't want it and they

took a look at it and said we want to make it we're going to series and so we reshot that pilot shot for shot for comedy central in 2003 and then off it went and that's pretty much the when did Reno 911 premiere I think 2003 June of 2003 I want to say they just took

off it was a great shot it's amazing was it before or after Chappelle started do you know what you remember it was simultaneous okay and I remember us being a jealous of Chappelle's ratings, you know, and two right at the same time. Okay. But you had two wonderful shows that are just strong and great and inventive. And that's what I wanted to do.

That's when I found out that voiceover and on-camera acting fed me more than stand-up. I like stand-up, but that's what I love. And it's coming back actually on Quibi. We could talk about that in the future, but Reno is coming back on Katzenberg's streaming channel. We're set to film probably end of January beginning of February 4th. Quibi. They bought 120 minutes of material. The original cast will be back. Wendy McClend and Covey from the Goldbergs, Bev from the Goldbergs, Cedric, Nisi from Clause, obviously Cedric from many things. But we're all back. We're all going to do little sketches and we'll see how it goes. But after 10 years,

you know, I also got to reprise Rocko's Modern Life after 25 years. We did static cling, which was last year. So all these things are coming back. And that's how my career tracked. I was doing comedy to sort of survive and pay the bills, but voiceover came with Rocco's modern life in 1991, 92. I remember being at the last laugh in Seattle on a pay phone. And I was eating my clam chowder and it was fine. I was headlining the last laugh, but I was lonely. And then I said, Rocco's going to series. And I jumped up and down and my thing was, I can get off the road now. I have, I have an animated series. I was so happy. It was probably my best sets ever because I didn't care you know I don't need this anymore and then uh I started

with Rocco and I was weaving that that thing at the same time and now these days voiceover is more of my career I go out on auditions for on camera stuff you have your studio on the house I had a little whisper booths yeah it's in the in the garage so the kids can't get to me I can lock the garage and just go in my whisper booth shut it do my additions with a little plug-in mic on my phone It's good. Yeah, I'm going to have to. Yeah, MP3. It's a motive.

It's an MZ 88 Shore, Mike. It's right in the end of the phone. So that's pretty much what I do now, but that's how it tracked. But yeah, there was like significant change. I always, you know, and relative to how the competition went for Mark Merritt and Patton and Pat and Oswald, who went on are super prominent now. And I won, and it was always the curse of the second, you know, first place guy, Robin Williams came in second, you know. I think it was either Patten or Mark Marin that came in second. I thought, will I be the curse of the winner of the competition? Yeah, I don't have Patent Oswald notoriety or Mark Merritt, not notoriety, but I went the way I was supposed to go. And then I had, you know, I got married in 2009. I have two daughters, as you know. And this feels right. If super big fame comes along, that's fine. If not, I like doing what I'm doing. Like, you love doing this. I love going. I love going.

to our martial arts class with the kids and it's just comfortable for me. It's like I don't need I'm not want for like to make a speech at some award show, you know? If it happens, it's fine. Going to the cons meeting fans. I like going to the cons more than I do stand-up. Because stand-up as you know, if you aren't with somebody that you

dig, it's a prison sentence. It's like, I got to get out of this fucking apartment or a condo. I got to go walk somewhere to the mall. Okay, that killed an hour and a half. Now fucking what? I don't feel like writing. I'm depressed. And it's Wednesday. And it's fucking Wednesday. And it's Wednesday. The cons, I fly in on a Thursday night. I go to a steak, I go to a beautiful steak place. You sit at the park. Have a little whiskey. Have a little beer. Get my appetite going. I go back home. I work out in the pool in the morning. I go and I'm on the floor all day with people

who think I'm great. Yeah, I'm jealous of Tom Kenney's big line. But fuck that. People love me. I'm signing autographs. I get to interact with fans. They tell you what they mean to you. Much more polite than comedy crowds. You know, they're not drunk. They're kids, their families. I make money. I love it because I'm around people all day. And then at night, the con agents and organizers say, we're going out to dinner with, oh, David Harbor and Sean Aston and I'm included. Awesome. So I would love to do more cons as opposed to doing stand-up on the road. But I would do both. So this is the life that I'm doing now. And it happened despite what I thought I wanted. You know, when we were younger, I want this fucking show. I want this

fucking show. I want this movie. Why can't I be like that guy? And then you're like, okay, this is bullshit. See, that's what Pete. I'm 572. First off, you had no curse. Yeah. Curse would have been if you would have been a realtor right now. Yeah, exactly.

You would have owned your own construction company right now. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with evolving. I just saw, remember that show, where are you now? Where are they now? And they'd show this guy that was on the road with, It's like Bon Jovi, and now he's just painting houses.

Yeah. Not in the Irishman kind of way. No, he's having a good life, and he's doing, he put away his money, he bought a home, he secured his family's future. Yeah. And he really wanted to paint. The road wasn't for him anymore. Yeah.

You know, I was watching the Guns and Roses thing when one day he just didn't want to be in the band no more. Yeah. It just wasn't for me anymore. You know, whatever, when you, become a comedian, when you first got on that open mic stage, some people don't want to move to California and be a star. Did you know that? Some people don't. A lot of SF comics don't want to move to L.A. and make that jump. Some people want to stay in Chicago. Yeah. Entertain locally. You know, do a couple weekends in Indiana or Milwaukee. Jack Gallagher was that guy. Jack

Gallagher, I think, won the competition and was from Boston, moved to San Francisco, got his show in LA, letters to Declan was his one-man show. That got him the TV show. It ended, he moved back to Sacramento, became the Altadena dairy or some dairy spokesman, loved it in Sacramento, but a nice house in the beautiful, I think they called it the beautiful 80s, the beautiful 30s, like eight is enough house in Sacramento. And that's what he wanted. He goes, I'm done. I love Sacramento. I did my television show. I'm a great comic. I love it here. And that, I remember, that, that sunk into me. That that sunk into me. I went, okay, wow. You can, there's no shame in doing what you love. No shame. But this is, here's what I'm learning. Sometimes I want to give up and just like,

oh, fucking show business is not fair. And fucking I'm going to go fucking just, you know, just own a sports club in Canada and blah. And I'd be like, no, I still want to be creative. I still want to do those old movies and pull fucking cameras out of a garbage can and do that shit again, you know, I still want to write stuff and make stuff happen. And, that's the important thing. It's like, I still, for all of us, stay creative and let the chips fall where they may. Do what you love. Stay creative. Think of something. Go for it. And it'll happen. I made a movie. I made a movie called witness infection. I financed it myself. Maurice Lamarish, Tara Strong, Aaron Hayes, Rob Belushi, Joe Michelle Melian, myself. Brett Ernst

plays my son Dominic. It'll come out. We'll have a screening, but it's called witness infection. You can go to the website. But I made it. I want to fucking make this movie. Will I ever get financing? No, I won't. Fuck it. I'm paying for it. Let's do it. So I put in all the money and showed up the first day. There was an all-in-one truck.

There's craft service. I fucking paid for all this shit. Holy shit. And here's Aaron Hayes and here's Rob Belushi and they're acting in something that I wrote with Jill. And we created something. Will it make my money back? Hopefully, maybe.

We're going to premiere it at the Hafe Festival in San Antonio in February. And hopefully it'll get some other festivals. We'll have an L.A. screening. We'll see what happens. But I fucking made it. I made it. I made a fucking film, feature film. Executive produced it, wrote it, acted in it.

And I didn't know how that happened. I don't know how it happened. I didn't sit out to do it. So there's no curse. There's no curse. There's no curse. I know. Hey, I got my family.

I live in a really cool place. There's no curse. It's really weird when you move here, the state of mind you have. And then one day when you, for me, It was, I got here in 97, in 2009. Everything leveled off. Like, I knew what I wanted.

I knew what I didn't want out of this no more. I knew what I was going to do. Yeah. And what I wasn't going to do no more, I made all those decisions, like in 2008. And I think... And I said, this is what it's going to be. I'm not going to ever be Saras Overman.

Yeah. I'm not ever going to be. Kevin Hart, I'm not ever going to be. And I could blame it on the system or whatever. No, it's not even what I want. Yeah. I can't even imagine running from people or walking into an arena and having to do good morning, LA, and talking to fucking some lady.

And I can't imagine those things. Yeah. I just wanted to be happy after 2009. Mm-hmm. And all of a sudden, this venture opened up. The podcast world opened up. I opened. I started doing a podcast with Felicia.

and it was just great. It was a different creative outlet. Was it what I intended to do when I first got on stage? Not really. And that's what makes this fun. That's what made this all the fun. This was an unexpected U-turn. Yeah.

And that opened up 52 other avenues. You know? Yeah. One day I tell a story on an Ari Shafir show. He starts that to fucking Hollywood Improv Lab. Yeah. It goes digital. The next thing, you know, I made it to,

three years or four years on network. Wow. You know, and I got a piece of that. So it's like somebody told me when you're 20, when we're young, we come here and we're looking for the home run. Yep. And then we turn it to Rod Caru. And then when they're in 2009, we become Pete Rose.

Yeah, contact hitters. The little hits. You went for Pete. I went for Rod. Little singles. Little singles. But every time a single. Yeah.

Every two times a single. And God forbid there's a guy on third. God forbid there's a guy out there and I'm going to hit a single on you I went from swinging for the horn and that makes your life so much easier yeah well if I get this film with Travolta and this I could do the weekends and cell arenas no you're not yeah no you're not that's just something you put in your fucking mind yeah go in there do the best you can and then worry about that spot at the store tonight or the improv or the ha ha ha or laugh factory or wherever the fuck you're going

Yeah. Like there's a point of where your mind is when you get here, and there's a point after you've been beat up and kicked a little bit and told you're not Mexican so you can't do a road you're perfect for. Yeah. You put it all together. You learn who to live with, who to avoid. Yeah.

I'm going to avoid that motherfucker because every time he talks to me, he's the kiss of death. All his projects suck anyway. Yeah. You know, the projects are great until it comes time to promote. Then you don't know nobody. Yeah. Then the cousin at CBS died. Remember those projects?

How many of those did you do? I got a cousin at CBS. She could definitely give it to Moose Lentbez. You shoot and all of a sudden you get a call one day. She got fired. Yeah, they left. She got caught stealing. They fired everybody at the top.

Do you have anybody who you could pitch it to? Do I look like Johnny Pitcher? Yeah. I'm trying to fucking do spots. I'm trying to get a new three minutes. Jimmy Show Sheller. Yeah, I'm trying to do three fucking minutes. Yeah.

How many cons are you doing a year now? How many cons? I did four or five. I'd like to do up to 10. And I thought, hopefully with this Reno news, that it would get me at least 10. This Reno news was huge. It was huge. It was really cool.

And I was happy for their fan base. Yeah. You guys had a unique fucking fan base. Yeah. You know, that was very, very loyal to you. Yeah. I saw it somewhere. And I was like, wow, I didn't know a rea.

And then you guys did a movie after one. Yeah, Reno 911, Miami, 2009. 2006, rather. Sorry. Yeah. I did my first hosting weekend on the road, and it was in Reno, and I went and saw a sign. That's why I actually. about Chappelle because that was, it was

before its time with the internet, because it was the sketches, like you could see different parts of it and it would be funny by itself. Yeah, stand in. And, like, I think it was interesting what you said, Joey, about Netflix, about how not that many things get finished, because I think if you looked at it, the most

popular things on streaming are 22 minutes tops. Oh, yeah. Because it's short, you can watch little clips online, you don't have to see the whole thing. Reader 9-1-1, like I was going to ask you guys, how cool is it, Like you've done things that maybe weren't, didn't get picked up or weren't that critically, like, whatever. But you guys both have things that are going to be remembered for 50 years.

Yeah, pretty iconoclassic with both the Taco Ball and this show. And we're learning now algorithms based on what Quibi wants, how the kids are watching. They're watching vertically. So we'll shoot it this way. But when you tilt your phone sideways, it'll pick up something else in the shot. Here's the length that needs to be. Here's how we're going to change. Here's what we're going to do.

So they've got a formula of how this new Reno is going to be. It'll be a lot of it will be the same, but a lot of it will be just the crunch berries. You know what I mean? Before it was Captain Crunch with Crunchberries. Now the kids just want mostly the crunch berries. A little bit of Captain Crunch, Crunch berries. Boom, go. Move on.

The clip is a 10 minute one. We're up to 10 minutes, but I think they're finding the perfect length that's going to be six to eight minutes. Basically, they're going to pay for 120 minutes of material. We're probably going to shoot 200 and see how much we can. You want to keep going? and then we're just going to show it. We'll get a guy like Nick Schwartson who played Terry in the shorts.

Boom, boop, giving blow jobs, hand jobs at the intersection. We'll get him on one day and we'll shoot 10 sketches with him and just knock it out and modularize it. And then we'll get Toby Huss who played a character, Big Mike. Toby Huss, we'll do 10 sketches with him.

Get it out of the way. Nisi Nash plays Titi. She's the girl with the big jugs. Oh, Mom, but it was toward him. They was midgets. We'll shoot 10 things with her. Get it out of the way. Because now we have to shoot catches, catch-cann because Wendy and Cedric and Tom and Nisi are very busy.

So we're literally going to shoot when we can, weekends, try to do morning briefing. When we get everybody, just shoot a bunch of more, two days of morning briefings. Rattle them all out. And then just plug it in, plug it in. It's like a puzzle. And then it'll all be back again, like magic. This is like instant oatmeal this time around, as opposed to, you know, steel cut, 20-minute oatmeal. We'll make it, but it'll be just as good.

We're all excited. We had a dinner two weekends ago, three weekends ago, just to see everybody again. It's like, oh, fuck, the gang is back. The gang is back. So that, you talked about starting something for the new year, which sets your year. And that when I found out that news,

finally that this was going to come back, and the money that they're negotiating with, because Katzburg has some good money, I'm like, I'll take whatever. I'm like, I'm not a, whatever you want to give me, I'll take. But if you say we can negotiate for more, Okay.

I'll take it. I'll take it. So, and it's weird. I don't know about you. I don't. Only in terms of helping pay for this movie that I financed, I don't really think about, oh, I'm going to get so much money. I think about I get to be creative again. Yeah.

It's so weird how at this age the money is, I've got enough. I've made some good investments. You always want more. You're always going to need more. But it's like, that doesn't move the needle for me. It's like, no, we're doing Reno again. That's why I said, whatever you want to fucking pay me, I'm fine. down. I'll be the... I'm doing comedy

in Spanish this year. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm starting in Miami. Just in Miami. Yeah, the only ones I'm gonna understand what the fuck I'm saying. Cabo-Lau-La-Lau. Yeah. A Cuban accent. I was doing Espanio. Yeah. I'm doing, uh, the name of my show is Mino Epeakee Inglie.

Minno-Pic Inglie. Minno-Pic In-Legli. I love it. You know, I'm trying to put a one-man show together. Yeah. I'm trying to put a one-man show together, do a little workouts once a month at the conference. to the third Wednesday of the month. Yeah. You know, will it go anywhere? I have no idea.

I want to see you on the Star, on the Sopranos prequel. Yeah, I'm fucking pussy. We're ready for that. We're ready. No, no, no, I'm not pussy. It's a complete difference. Are you going to be on it?

It's the prequel. You should be on it? I am. You are on it? Yeah, I shot it already. That's, of course. It's time to 25th. That's great.

How was it? How was Gandalfini's son? Tremendous. Really nice kid. Yeah, what a guy that really impressed. A couple of guys impressed me, but David Chase is a different level. Yeah.

Different comedic. He wrote it about his family. He's Italian. His name is like David Chianigla. Yeah. Yeah. He's quite the fucking character. So no Michael Imperioli, no?

No. This is all. Oh, Joe, you're perfect for that. That's going to launch you. This is 1966. Ah, wow. So Uncle Jr. He was younger.

Yeah, junior's younger. Yeah. Anthony's a kid. Dude, you're in. Yeah. No, I really. And I really, like me and my age right now, I got the podcast, I got my daughter.

I like going to the store twice a week. Like this week, I go down last night, and I'll go down Saturday and Sunday. But I don't, I'm not big on the TV and film no more. Especially after doing the podcast and doing this with your own rules and your own beliefs. It's pretty much to go in anymore. Yeah.

Scripti come up to me and say the word is the, not the, and you're like, you know, come here. Nobody's going to watch this show. I want to be fucking autonomous. Can you understand that? Nobody watches this show. Yeah, exactly. Okay, nobody's going to come up to me on the train and go, hey, I saw you on this show on NBC. It's not going to happen.

Does it matter? Whether it's the, yeah. So every time they come up to me, they just take the fucking Ganas away from me. Yeah. If I do something. thing, it's because I really want to do it. Yeah. You're going to shoot me out first in the morning.

But it's different with Chase. You're not going to have me fucking lurking around or a fucking day like a MOOC on a TV show. Shoot me out like Tracy Morgan before I start Me Too and bitches. Yeah. Okay, so what do you want to have with? Me Too? A fucking campaign or me getting the fuck out of here at 12. Just shoot me and call those out. I don't know what I'm a fuck about. These people will pay to stick around for 12 hours.

You want the best of me? Yeah. 58. 57 or 57? Your testosterone goes like that day. I don't have time. You're not going to catch me here. Yeah.

I'm going to go out there. I'm not going to want to be here. I know myself, I lose the energy. Yeah. So if it's something that, that, yes, I'm in. The Monsters remake, I'm Grandpa. Yeah. You know, when she shot, when psychiatrists shot the Sopranos.

Her scenes were all done in one day. Oh, wow. Okay, that's what she negotiated. Lorraine Braco. I come in Tuesdays. Eat falco Lorraine Brock. I'll shoot six to fucking two in the morning. I don't give a fuck.

I'll shoot 25 hours straight. Yeah. But I want to do it in one day. Uh-huh. That is something that would interest me. Yeah. I don't want to work for 4, 12 hour days. Yeah.

We got the girls. Yeah. When you have girls, you got to be home for dinner. Yeah. You got to be home to help. And with their homework, you got to be homes to help them. You got to be home to talk to them. If not, they're going to bump into some fucking guy,

Bikram Yoga. Yeah, exactly. You know, they're sucking that fucking hummus dick. Yeah. You don't want that. All because you shot four days. Or before you shot four 12-hour days for a little bit of change that if you really, because it's not like they're paying what they were paying when you and I got here.

Yeah. They're not even paying close to that shit. No. No. You know. So it's not really one of my things anymore. Yeah. It used to be.

I loved acting. I loved movies. Yeah. But now who's going to see you in a movie? Yeah. There's so many, so many choices. I went up to Mark Marion and Brian Cowan said, did anything really, did the needle move after the Joker?

I mean, the best movie of the year, the needle should have moved a little bit. Yeah. You should have gone from selling the improv out to maybe two weeks of the improv, or maybe an extra Wednesday. You know what I'm saying? That those days are done. Yeah.

Those days are done. But what are you going to do? We just keep plugging, brother. Yeah. I, whatever comes to my way, stay creative, really work on this movie, finish this thing, do some more stand-up. I'm doing some sets to prepare for the Ha-Festival, the HBO Max thing. I'm doing seven to eight minutes, and we talked about it.

Called Reed at the improv because I don't want to just rest at flappers and where I'm comfortable, really, try to make sure things are funny, and we'll see what comes from that. But I remember I was offered a possibility of doing an hour special or whatever special, and I was on the table for it, and I said, if I get it, it's fine. If not, it's fine. I'm fine either way. One hour is a long, fucking journey. When you haven't been writing, for sure.

Oh, yeah. And you got to go out every night and have one of your friends with you. Yeah. And give him a couple dollars to guide you along the way. But they can find you on Carlos Alasrocky.com. Carlos Alasrocky.com on Twitter at Carlos EllisRockey. Instagram, Carlos Ellis Rocky as well. Even on TikTok, I do some videos for the Casa Grande's,

which I'm doing for Nickelodeon. and yeah I'll be Rudy Moreno actually he just I guess he's made it public He had a heart attack And he did And he's allowed me to do a set On an all-woman show

On the 8th Which is tomorrow night In Pasadena With Joe Michelle Maliana And a couple of great female comics And I'll be out flappers On the 18th Doing 8 o'clock

10 o'clock guest spots In Burbank And then I'll just be everywhere And then I do my Stephanie Miller Radio show once a week You still do it? I still do it. do it once a week. I wake up at 4.30.

6 to 9. Yeah. Good for her. I hosted this last time. Carlos has been a real honor to have you on. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a, I don't understand if you know how real you are now. Oh, thanks. What an impact. You've had on my career and you're just a great guy. You deserve

all the success that you got. I'm happy for the quib show. Yeah, quibby. We'll have you on here for the premiere. Yeah, let's do it know. And when witness infection comes out, we'll do the same. We'll do the same and I'll get bread on. Yeah. Brett does great on the podcast.

He's a fucking guy. He said, that's him. He called me a couple weeks with his fucking mother in the car. Yeah. And we just went at it because his mother knows the same people. You know, his mother grew up where I grew up. They're Jersey guys. Yes.

My wife's a Jersey guy. She knows the whole fucking deal. The mother knows that Jimmy Hoffer was buried. Yeah. Yeah. 12 minutes late for my burial. Yeah. Well, thank you very much for coming on.

Do not forget, go to CarlosLawski.com. And check out when he comes to your town, whether to do comedy or whether It's just a one of the... A con. Let's say you're a fucking big-time Reno 911. Go down there, say hello. Tell him that you heard of him on here and he'll fucking give you an extra autograph, all right?

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at this exclusive address. ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Joey, what was that? ZipRecruiter.com slash church. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way of the hire. I want to thank ZipRecruiter. I want to thank Stamps.com, and I want to thank CBD Lyon.

Most importantly, I want to thank Carlos Lallas Rocky, my brother, and the Christ killer coming at you. For the Spanish people, listen, happy Christmas. Today is we celebrate. We fucking, we Cubans, today is the three wise men. Yeah? So you have to fucking, for good luck, we're like the Jews. We got to fucking give somebody a little money.

There you go, Lee. I'll see you happy hours today on me. If I find that, you fucking don't go to happy hour. sushi pan. I want you there at 301. I'll leave right now. Don't blow that on a chicken a box. I'm taking that fucking money back that's how I roll. It's Cuban Christmas today. Give somebody your love at 20.

Feliz Navidad, Korni. Feliz Navila. Today's the day when the three guys showed up in Cuba. So today's an extra Christmas. So when you're Cuban, your parents test you like you were good all year, bitch. Let's see how you're going to act. From Christmas to the 7th. Because that's when you get all

your shit. Now you don't need me no more. Play it overtime. So my mom gave you cash. So after Christmas, I had to still keep it under control for a few days. Once the seventh came, then go fuck yourself. Why ain't sweeping the garage? You know what I'm saying? But on the six, you should have seen me sweeping, mopping, painted.

After that, you can suck my dick. Shumble the fucking driveway yourself. Take an aspirin, bitch. Anyway, don't forget. Next week, Fox Theater in Bakersfield, Friday night. Saturday night, power in Fresno. And then we just out of the second show. the Tabernacle Theater in Atlanta, Georgia

on the 25th of January pre-super Bowl motherfuckers. I'll see you there. Listen, I want to thank Carlos Alas Rocky.com. I want to thank the flying fucking Jew, aka the Christkiller. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for being fucking savages

and for always giving us love. Happy New Year. Have a great first week, and we'll see you motherfuckers next Monday, tip-top, Magoo. Ready to go. Wash your assholes. cocksucker. It's going to be a good year. Thank you again, Carlos. Thank you, Joey.

Bam!