The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #751 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Tom Rhodes, a stand up comedian for more than 30 years and the host of the "Tom Rhodes Radio," podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get your first month free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

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slash Joey. Kick this motherfucker, Emilie. Aw. There ain't no music no more. on Spotify without music. Here's my man, Tom Rhodes. I got the Christ killer. It's Monday morning.

What the fuck you want from me? How are you, Tom? Joey. How are you, my brother? Great time at the Comedy Store Saturday night. Oh, my God. That was probably one of the best lineups. It was me. I think that was probably one of the best sets

I've ever done in the comedy store. Yeah, you're on fire. I crushed it. You won five. And then Neil Brennan? Neil Brennan destroyed. Oh, my God. He's got, like, so much brilliant new material about...

That dude's a writer. and a half. It's, you know, it's impressive to see, you know, how he turns it over in his thought process, you know, it's a lot of philosophy and social commentary. Just absolutely brilliant. Did you hang out for the rest of the night? Yeah, a little bit, and I watched your set. You crushed it. You're doing new material. I've never seen you do before. You got to try it. I love it, you know? That's the exciting thing about playing there. It's like you see the best of the best and it makes you want to raise your game, you know? That's why I kept going there. because you see what other guys are doing.

You're like, that's how hard I got to be working. So it's a constant rotation. Fuck work. How's life? Good, man. And I did a show last Wednesday in Palm Springs for some old white people. I don't know why I took this gig. And I ate one of the biggest shit sandwiches I've eaten in quite a few years.

And, you know, they just said don't do any political stuff. So I was like, okay, cool. but apparently some of my regular jokes were too hard for these people and so that said I did at the comedy store on Saturday you know like if you have like a bad set as a comedian it just stays in your head and you can't erase it until you crush it so like I was washing that stink off me on that stage every joke that killed I was just getting in the crevices was it a private I was just I guess it was just a gig that I had no business being a part of

Did the promote and make a bad call? I mean, Yeah. What happens in those gigs? Because I don't take privates. It wasn't a private gig. I don't do private gigs either. And I notice, you know, I don't do cruise ships.

I don't want to play anywhere where there's old white people that are going to get upset by anything, you know. Well, that's everywhere now. Yeah. That's everywhere. Yeah. You know, people are going out. People are going out with the whatever. but it has slowed down a little bit over the last couple weeks.

Thank God for Ricky Jerva's going off Sunday night to let people know that you still got a voice, okay? We still got a voice. You know what? If they want to cancel your TV show, we don't have one. If they want to cancel my Twitter account, I'll keep telling jokes. Right. You know, so we're in a society right now that we're not going to stop.

The comedy store is not going to shut down. Right. You know, none of the other clubs are going to shut down. down so you have to say what that that's what comedy is it's the truth it's the truth so that's what are you scared of hearing the fucking comedy is a dark room where adults go to hear the uncomfortable truths the truth yeah you know when i saw those people at the whatever the grammies the golden globes they were fucking moving in their chair that means a comic did his job that means a comic to this job and the people

that had a sense of humor they were laughing they didn't give a fuck yeah you know it's it's what happens is you're at a table with six guys Tom Hanks is at that table I'm not allowed to laugh fuck you fuck you Tom Hanks that long had of you said

you maybe wasn't tall enough to write the right how time he spent into the amusement part yeah he's not tall enough to write the right Felicity Hoffman license play all that's so funny that's brilliant shit and then at the end he said something that you want to tell people every day

and you can't because that's how I know I live my life I know that half of these people walk around with one foot in and one foot out and they brag to you about the one foot in about how good of people they are they donate to fucking this

they do this but then they have this other leg in this fucking destruction mode where you know their employees are jumping out fucking windows You know The line about ISIS Having a streaming service Yeah, and you know what

And then that line What was the Jeffrey Epstein line? That was funny too Oh Oh, damn it No, he said he said something about it He was talking about his Amazon show Oh, he had to take your own private plane

But look at even the fucking ISIS line The ISIS line is a joke But do you people listening at the house It's not a joke These people will either scab Or for dog's knee they don't give a fuck they really don't give a fuck

you know he made a Harvey Weinstein joke or something there's that was it he said it was like it was something about Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein wasn't it?

Well Epstein was he said that he said that he'd rather be this is the last time he's doing it that you'd much rather be watching that Netflix is everybody's talking everybody's streaming television dead movies dead everybody's streaming

everybody's talking about Netflix that his show is on Netflix about a guy who's thinking of killing himself after his wife dies of cancer. He goes, spoiler, he doesn't kill himself, just like Jeffrey Epstein. That was it. And he goes, oh, I know, I know. He was your friend. I don't care. And then he goes, you had to get your own flight here tonight.

And that's the truth. You know, listen, even in comedy. Okay, you were around for Kennison or we're not. I was a kid. I mean, I was in high school, and I, I, Okay, okay. So you weren't at the score. I went and saw, no, no, but I saw Kinnison when I was 16. I was such a fan. I bought a ticket by myself.

I went to the Tupperware Theater in Orlando and sat there and watched him. But my point is that if you knew Kennyson, like I didn't know Knessin. But I see it now in smaller scales. There's always that one rich guy at the comedy store. That's his parents are filthy rich. Nobody knows about it. He just goes up there. And since his comedy isn't up to par, he becomes something else.

He has to lure them in with something else, you know. And when you could see that Jeffrey Epstein was just one of those guys that hobnob against big-time people. And then, I'll take my jet. Come to my island. You know, it became like a fucking joke. There's people like that that creep into your circle. And they're called, what are those people that if you eat cake,

they give you a cake. Enablers? Enablers. They're really like fucking enablers. Like, you know. And it was weird that when he said it, he struck a cord to all of those people. Jeffrey Epstein would be at all those parties mingling.

They all knew who the fuck he was, you know. They all knew what was going on when Harvey Weinstein when he was doing. They all knew. But they didn't give a fuck. Nobody raised their fucking hand. We live in a town where if we raise our hand, we lose our career.

We care more about our pocket, but you don't think anybody knew Harvey Weinstein was fucking broads or getting his dick suck for movies. You're going to look me in the face and say that. You know those particular type of guys? They're like frat-boity guys that you go to their parties

and their girlfriends are there, but they're in a circle on their own, talking about the chicks they're banging on the side and all that shit. That's what those Jeffrey Epstein parties were. As soon as you walked in, Jeffrey put his arm around you right in front of your wife, walk you away and go, excuse me, I just talk to him. And she's like, oh, aren't I impressed?

And also, he's like, wait, do you see this 16-year-old pussy? I got to wait until you're in the back today. I knew guys like that. I didn't hang out with them because of those reasons, but I know people like that. They just creep. That's how they got cool. You know, invite a bunch of 40-year-olds to fuck a bunch of 18-year-old. Who makes you cooler than that?

If I called you right now, I said, come over to the house. And you came over to my house. I had three 18-year-olds in the back of a couple lines of coke. And all of a sudden you get there. And you're like, who are they? And they're like, we're going to be in Joey's new movie. There ain't no movie. What movie are you talking?

And you look at me like, really? Yeah. We're talking to Leonardo DiCaprio right now as we speak. And they're like, oh, we're going to work with Leo. Come on, do a line. Take the top slow. Let's get the party started. That's what it is.

You're going to tell me you didn't know about it. those parties you don't look me in the Matt Damon didn't know about those Brad Pitt didn't know about those Leonardo the Capra didn't know about those I'm not mad at them I would have probably gone to those two or taking the 20 million dollars for the movie what you know I'm saying so what we live in a in the worst you know I used to love to call I'll tell you guy Mark Babbitt because we've I love Babbitt worked you and I together you and I met because Babbitt booked us together But I got into a point with Babbitt where I would just call him to say hello and I would get off the phone

I would never ask him for work because I always wanted people even today in comedy there's a guy that gave me my first Wednesday in Brea his name is Dan he's out of the improv organization but guess what I still call him once a month because I know no other comedians call that guy yeah once you're you're out of a position to put money in my pocket, we don't need you no more. I think that's a horrible. I think whoever raised you did a bad job. Yeah.

I think that, and I don't do that with people. Even after somebody leaves a club, if they took care of me, I try to call them once a fucking year. I still call the bowler from San Jose. They used to have him manage it on the weekends. He was a professional bowler. He just gave up and moved to Vegas.

I still check him with him once a year to let him know that all those spots he gave me weren't in vain. Well, I told you before we started recording, you know, like a year ago at this time I was going through my divorce. I had just broken up. My wife and I had just broken up, and you're one of the few friends that called me, like every week, how are you doing?

You're not thinking about drinking, are you? You know, and I tell you, it was just a couple of friends that reached out to me into that period when I was in the toilet emotionally. Nobody knows about it. I've never had to doubt your friendship since the day we met. Nobody knows about a divorce until you've gone through a divorce. Nobody knows about losing a cat until you've gone to losing a cat.

Nobody knows what it goes through to losing a parent or you lose a parent. So you become empathetic. So as soon as somebody says to you, even if you fucking hate that person, Tom Rhodes, somebody comes to you and says that person lost their mother. Changes everything. You will call that person and go, hey, whatever problem we have between us, it's over for right now. I'm calling you to tell you.

I'm really sorry about it. your mother. That's funny. I did that with Louis C.K. a few months ago. And I hadn't talked to the guy in years. I heard his mom died. I sent him a message and we traded some texts, you know? It's amazing that people, once you get

written off in this town, you get written off and I don't like that. Because my friends never wrote me off. Even when I was doing fucking time that never wrote me off, but that's something that's taught. That's something that's taught to people from you. That comes from above. You know what I'm saying?

Here, like I said, you work with a comedy guy, comedy guy Tatiya. You know, you look at Ronda Rousey's rise. I heard there was a guy that went to Ronda Rousey. I don't know how true it is or not. And took pictures of her and helped her and promoted her. Like her first manager, right? Like her first manager. Did all this shit.

And one day she fired him with a text message. Well, on one, her career is over. Yes, she might be wrestling and she might be rich. But she's got that stink that somebody genuinely tried to help her. and she spit in his face. That stink stays with you for a long time. That spit comes back to haunt you later on. So somebody went out of their way to get you started.

Three yards came along and you dumped that guy, signed with three yards and that's it. People do that in this town all the time. Then they don't realize, you know, it's so weird how I got into comedy to fucking do comedy by ended up becoming a man. by comedy because comedy was like my religious belief. It helped me become a command.

That's how I feel. Comedy's my religion and my political party. It's my religion. It's my religion. And it's who, you know, and I tell people all the time, it's not like me and Rogan talk every day about stupid shit. We don't. We really don't.

22 years. But when him and I get together, we just talk about the dynamic, which is comedy. What he's been doing, what's not working, you know, how he's been doing it differently. There's a whole science to it.

And even if our friendship is connected by that, that alone right there, you know, like that bond we have, you and I have since day one. But I was talking about Babbitt. I remember one day Babbitt calling me back and going, hey, don't you want to work a week in my club? And I go, yeah, but we'll get to that when it's time because I treated bookers like girls.

I treated bookers like you were, treat a woman that wants you. You don't chase a woman that wants you. You give them a little bit, then you pull back and see what the piece is for. And they'll come to you like fucking a pigeon, comes to a fucking little worm. Because you know, it's like when you walk into

a room and there's a hot chick there and you don't react to her, but 20 guys reacted to her. That chick isn't concerned about the 20 guys that reacted to her. She's concerned about why Tom Rhodes didn't look my way. Not the Tom

means anything, but that guy didn't look my way. Do you know I'm saying? Like that guy didn't go, wow, look at your tits. He just walked right past and said, go fuck yourself. You got to these just like everybody else, you dumb fuck. So it's so weird how that

works with comedy bookings, like, and just friendships and how you have to work bookers relationships sometimes. Just calm up. Hey, what's going on? Nothing. Well, like what you said about, you know, comedy taught you be a man. And, you know, you're empathetic. You're a great friend. You know, I've never had to doubt your friendship. I had an incredible thing happened to me. You know, a year ago at this time,

my wife moved out New Year's Eve last year, not this one that just passed. So last December was really rough. I took my mom to Israel at the beginning of December last year, and then I was home for the holidays in Orlando. And I was flying back to Los Angeles on Christmas Eve. My flight was at 7 a.m. from the Orlando airport. And I'm checking in. I'm the first person in line. There's people with the Delta agents. And this guy comes up to me and he says, can my family and I cut in front of you? My brother just committed suicide. We have to get to Hawaii. And I turned around and I just saw this family destroyed. They were just, they were just crying and the dad could barely stand up. His name is Dean. He's a fan of yours. Hello, Dean. And I knew that feeling when my sister

died of cancer, I didn't know a human being could cry that much. I had like, I would have hyperventilating crying. I would be exhausted from crying so much physically exhausted where I couldn't even stand up. And I saw this family and I let them go through and it just like put everything into perspective for me. I'm going through a divorce. I thought I was having a hard time feeling all sorry for myself. I'll never be loved again. And I see this family and I knew instantly what I know that feeling. I've been there. And I realized going to a divorce isn't the worst level of pain you could experience. And I wouldn't even classify it as pain. It's an inconvenience. So I talked about it on my podcast, and this friend of mine that I grew up with, Guy I played baseball with, Chuck Bowman,

whose son is a fan of yours who listens to this show. He contacted me and said, hey, man, I know that family. The son was a soldier, you know, he had PTSD. And he said, I know these people. So through my buddy Chuck, I got in touch with this family, with the dad. So last year, over the course of a year, we've traded emails and stuff. And then when I was just home at Christmas in Orlando, OVito, I went and met this family. And it's a year later, they're doing much better. I mean, you'll never recover from something like that. I know.

I'll never get over my dad and my sister's death. There's just degrees of better as time goes on. But like, I feel bonded to these people. Like I feel like they're my brothers. I feel related to these people, you know. Just because we, I feel like I somehow was in on this private family moment that was probably the worst day of their lives. I know the day my sister died was the worst day of my life, you know. It's so funny how I get emails.

And I text with them, the dad and the son. You still do? Yeah. I mean, I just met him. Yeah. I mean, I feel closer to these two guys than I do my own brothers, who are morons. You know, so, like, I feel, I feel blessed to know these people. And they were all military people.

They've all served. You know, I'm from Oviedo, Florida. I graduated in 85. The dean, the father, he graduated from Oviedo in 1974. When I was there, it was like a small citrus farming village. It was one traffic light and the tractor crossing, you know, so I couldn't imagine. This is Oviedo. Ovido Florida. It's like 17 miles east of Orlando.

So it was a citrus farming town and then Orlando expanded. They built a circular highway around Orlando and now it's kind of like a highway exit. There's a target and the Chili's and all that other suburban American shit. It's really funny how we, you meet people on the road sometimes who shock you also. You hear little stories on the road. Like I'm probably in my first. phone, I probably have 20 people who I keep in touch

you from the road that just touch you. Sometimes the road could be a fucking lonely place and somebody just talks to you from just talks to you. Not even from a comedy perspective. And then they find out later you're a comic and

we get to talk and they go, oh my uncle likes you or whatever the fuck it is and you have this relationship with them for life, you know? Yeah. You know, I have the linguist in Chicago Bobby Sharon in Texas. You know, you meet these people, and it adds so much pizzage.

You know, Ooky-Spooky in Texas. You know, she's got my back. You know, you got all these different people that we've met through the years, even through this fucking funny thing called the podcast and these wires. Yeah. You know, and it's just,

it teaches you a different degree of, even on the internet, teaches you a different degree of empathy. You know, I would hate to go, like, I felt when my cat died, I felt bad. And I really wanted to write something about soup bad and put them up. And the reach was overwhelming. You know, people get it.

People get that that one line, you know, I believe that you have to make somebody's day every day. That's the key to life. If you want a great life, forget about giving somebody money or sucking somebody's asshole. It's just making somebody smile once a day. A call. Just making somebody's day, whatever it could be, whatever it could be, given some, I instill it in my daughter. That's the most important thing of your day is making somebody's day and everything else falls into play.

I always say it's so easy to change somebody's life for the better. You know, like when I see like more famous comedians and like their fans will come on them, you know, and they'll be like give them the cold shoulder and stuff. I always find that in gratitude. Well, there's two types of walking up on somebody also. There's 20 different. We could go on 20 different things according to that. Because years ago when we were kids, there was a thing with George Michael.

George Michael went on public record and said, leave me to fuck alone. I don't want to talk to nobody. Don't fucking say hello to me. You know, just don't fucking say hello to me. I was a George Michael fan. Did I buy his music? I didn't buy his music.

I liked the videos, you know. That's what you get. All that shit with the models and stuff. But I felt it to be rude. Yeah, I felt it to be rude. I felt it to even be rude. Okay, so let's say you're not coming. Let's say I have a TV show.

Let's say I was not a stand-up comic, and I have a TV show. And every week you can take a half. A hour out of your life to watch the show. I could give you a minute out of my life to say hello, how you doing, whatever. There's a thin line. But there's a thin line. How are you? If we're stuck on an elevator, hey, that episode about whatever really hit home with me,

I just lost my mother. Okay, that's where it ends. That's great. I love people coming to the shows, and I love talking to people after the shows. it's the expectations you know I can't be at a restaurant with my daughter

and you come up to me and say it's a blue cheese with wings and go fuck your mother in front of my daughter it's happened oh wow it's happened you know

you can't manhandle me you know what I'm saying like come up to me with six guys and go yo you motherfucker I can't deal with that there's always a place at a time for every And you have to decide as a human being, what's more important?

Do I go up to Tom Rhodes, who I'm a fan of at the airport online with 200 people waiting before you bought a plane? Can I just come up to you and go, Tom? I love what you do. I heard John Whitney Cummys podcast. That shit was funny. Or do you come up to me at 6 a.m. when I'm half mummified from the night before and want to ask me about episode 648 of Joe Rogan. when I quoted that Ruben Blades is going to beat up Chi-Chi Ramirez in a game of fucking ping pong.

And then they want to ask you for a picture on the line. There's 200 people here. You're going to blow up my fucking shit in front of 200 people at 6th of the morning. When you know I'm a fucking stoner, you know I'm high as a kite. You know I'm going to get uncomfortable. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. There's so many people.

That's the type of shit that bothers me. Then you go to the shows. you go to these shows and you pull up around the back and there's these six geeks with everything you ever did Print it out. Print it out. You sign it so they can sell it on eBay. Yeah.

And I'm supposed to feel bad. You know what I'm saying? Like that's a different level of me feeling bad. I really don't mind giving them an autograph for two. Hey, everybody needs a dollar. But these guys will sit there and just keep saying, can you sign this? Can you sign this?

Can you sign this? Yeah. So if you sign one, you got to sign 20. You know, before a show last night, when you're at the comedy store, Tom Rhodes is on stage. Tom Rhodes is doing his best.

I move two feet over. Can I get a picture? I can't give you a picture because you're disrupting, I'm disrespecting Tom Rhodes. If I walk through a fucking, if I'm doing the improv brain, and the show starts

and Lee's hosting, and I walk out into the front and a guy grabs me while Lee's on stage and he goes, can I get a picture and I take a picture? That's disrespect for the Lee, even if I'm the headliner. That's Lee's 15 minutes. Who the fuck am I to take a picture in the showroom

when Lee's on stage? So there's different degrees of everything. You as the fan or my family member, if I call them. I mean, that's showmanship etiquette. Even when like a comedian will get off. stage and then start talking with someone loudly in the back. I want to fucking smack them in the mouth.

Yeah, I hate that. I want to smack them in the mouth. Take the comic and take them downstairs and go around the fucking bin. And yeah, at the comedy store, we get loud in the hallway sometimes. We go off in the hallway sometimes, you know, whatever. I catch myself and I try to keep a little tame. You want respect? You have to give respect in this world.

And when it comes to pictures and all that shit at restaurants and whatever, you know, I've had people pay for meals for me. And I'll get up and walk over to the table, shake their hand, hug them, take a picture, and then I'll get the fuck out of there. But don't come over to my table, yelling and scream, when I have my wife and my kids there. Right. It's just there's always a fine line that you, as the human being, has to decide on. You don't know how many times I've seen somebody who blows me out of the water like an actor or something.

And the last thing I might is asking for a picture. I was on an elevator with Lou Reed once. And I love Lou Reed. Love him, yeah. And I think that 1989 album, New York, I think probably saved my life when I was living in New York

that year and struggling and everything. And I was on an elevator with him once and I'm such a fan. Didn't say a word to him. Didn't say a word. Didn't bother him. Let him enjoy his 16 floors and silence. Sometimes a wink is as good as a nod to a blind horse.

you know why I have that faces out why be like everybody else be original put your hand down and say I really like what you do man yeah

and sometimes they won't put their hand out and now you just learned about the guy you learned where he really stands you know I've been a thousand people that put my hand on they'll put the hand that's the end of the conversation I don't even want a fucking picture because we're at the fucking airport

because we're at a restaurant You know what I'm saying? Yeah. If not, now I'm going to have 10 other people coming to take pictures of you. I remember, so six years ago, January 1st, this year was when I blacked out and busted my head open in Philadelphia. And I haven't drank alcohol since then. And, you know, it was like two years after my dad and my sister died where I had stopped drinking for pleasure. And I really started to get that alcoholic white guy booze face with the bulbous nose.

and everything. And when I busted my head open in Philadelphia, I was just so wasted. I blacked out and fell off this barstle like a tree, busted my head open on a tile floor, had to go to the emergency room. And I got six stitches on my forehead, and I had a black eye. And I had to do this morning radio show the next morning. And I had to go, I had like, I got out of the emergency room. I had time to go to my hotel for, like, probably 30 minutes before I had to go to

straight to this radio show. And I looked like a train wreck. And this girl who worked on the show, she goes, I'm a fan. Can I take a pick? Can we have a picture together? And I said, I would take a picture with you any day, but today. I just can't do it today. I had the fucking Frankenstein stitches and a black eye.

And I just had like this, you know, a huge, you know, revelation in my life that I needed to dial it back on the drugs and alcohol you know and not the day for a picture no this it's just really weird

how the whole picture thing has I don't want to I was a little upset a couple weeks ago I played a club and they charged $10 for pictures what I found out afterward no club was in it and I had that I don't want to embarrass him and I had 800 people there and you know

usually I like taking pictures of people It's one show. I was like, why aren't people taking pictures? Because they were charging $10 fucking a fucking picture. Jesus. So it kind of picks me off. You know, if it's in between, if I have two shows, what people seem to under,

Fluffy got a lot of heat for this, Gabriel, because Gabriel stopped going out in between shows. He realized after 15 years, it took too much energy from him to do the two shows. Once you talk to a thousand people, then you've got to rest for 10 minutes and then go back up there and do it all over again. It's kind of tough. That's why this year I'm cutting it down on only one shows and theaters so I could get back out there and talk to the people. I don't want to smoke

power yet, I want to shoot heroin with you but I want to take a picture you and see what's on your mind. You know I've always enjoyed that me and new people seeing what's on their mind. I normally don't like going back but I something that what you guys were talking about at the beginning where if you go through a little divorce or you go through a death, and it's hard. And the thing that struck me was how it's, like, it's always, when you lose something, has going through those things helped you live more in the moment, like to appreciate stuff while you have it?

I mean, you realize your own mortality when you lose family members. I mean, every life just seems like this endless ribbon that keeps on flowing. and then I mean, nobody's prepared to lose a parent or a child. It definitely and then like it took me a couple years

like when I busted my head open, I realized that you know, I was put on this earth to do great things and the best way I could honor the memory of my father and my sister was by being the greatest comedian and greatest human being that I could possibly be, you know? So I think it definitely sharpened the lens focus in that regard, you know?

I tell you, when people, when I see somebody on social media and I lost my parent or whatever or somebody will hit me up and say, I lost a parent, it hurts. And I go, listen, you want to ease the pain? Here it is. Become the man or a woman that they wanted you to be. Yeah. If you become the man or woman, they wanted you to be, the pain. will disappear. I'm lying to you. It never disappears. That's true, but I think you're,

to a degree, you're absolutely right. It softens it. Yeah, because you'll never, you'll never get over something like that. I just celebrated my mother's 40th, 40 years ago. We buried in November race. Well, and honestly, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would hurt, but pain plays with you. Pain plays with you. Pain hits you when you least expect it. It's like a toothache. You know what I'm saying? It's, it's, so it didn't hit me that whole week. I thought about it.

I lit a candle. I prayed for her. I thought about the night she died. How fuck, that was 40 fucking years ago. But then I realized something else. I made it 40 years without her. I didn't, the day that I buried it, I'm like, I got about a year before I can make it without her.

So I proved myself wrong. It was such a fucking, that's what, the power comes from. You know, there's a song by Lionel Richie called, I think he did it with the Commodores. It opens up, it's a piano thing, and he says... Salon? Ceylon.

That's a piano opening. Morning's just a moment away, but I'm with you once again. You laughed at me. You said you never needed me. I wonder if you need me now. It's, it's, it is the most gorgeous words you can hear in the beginning of a song. It's a, it's a piano thing, just a piano.

And he, and I remember that every time that I hear that song, I think about the emptiness I had in my stomach when my mother died, when I first got divorced. When I first got divorced and you wake up in the morning and you're used to seeing that person next to you, it really does something to you. Yeah, man. Like this time last year, I spent most days alone in my apartment crying.

And then my friend Joey Diaz called, Hey, Joey, how are you, man? It's, you know, I still remember waking up and just hearing that song. You know, here I am. I'm morning again, and I'm without you once again. You know, opening the day with that line, brushing your teeth, jumping in the shower. And eventually the song went away.

After like four years, I didn't hear the song in my head anymore. But it's just so, you know, and I also think pain piggybacks pain. So if you lose a sister in 2009, and just as you're starting to get over, you lose your father in 211. It's the other way around,

but that's exactly what it is. It's like taking the scab off the thing. I hadn't gotten over the death of my father yet. You didn't even get off of this. I didn't think I could handle that. And then fucking my darling little sister. I'll tell you the thing, I don't look at it very much. I think that's cool like that song gave you strength.

You know, the Tupac song, Dear Mama, always helps me. Oh, yeah. If you can make it through tonight, there's a brighter day. I fucking love that song. But an odd thing, I don't look at it too much anymore. And sometimes the website sticks. And I don't know. I read about this.

I think I was in England. I read about this. it's a website called morning breakfast radio.com. And what they do, on the website, there's a picture of the globe, and it shows where the sun is rising all around the world. And it says the sun is always rising somewhere. And what this website does, it's a radio thing, and it'll grab a half-hour snippets of morning radio shows

or morning radio from all over the world. So you could look at it any time of the day. Like right now, the sun is probably, rising in in Australia or Africa and you go on there and you'll hear like one day like one Sunday I listen to like a garden show in Perth Australia another time I listen to like uh I listened to it roll across Africa one one one day and it's cool man and it's like it's like a half hour like because all these radio stations are streaming online now so I don't know how they have it set up but it grabbed so I I always thought like if you're like in a really dark fucked up place, it's a good concept to remember that, you know, it might be dark where you are right now, but the sun is rising somewhere in the world.

I know that's kind of cheesy, but when you're in the toilet, going through some difficult shit, it's good to remember that, you know, in Tahiti, people are going to work right now or, you know, fucking Morocco. They're starting to, you know, bang out the pita bread. Lee's question before was interesting because he goes Does it put things into perspective? Yes, it does. Yes, it does. You know, next Sunday night, they're having a thing at the store for Brody.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to go to that. You take a guy like Brody, okay, whether you were tight with Brody or you weren't tight with Brody. You didn't care for Brody or you loved Brody like I did. You look at a guy like Brody. You wake up at 8 in the morning, you got all the opportunities in the world

but you tend to turn the fucking TV on and sit there until 2 in the afternoon go fucking wake Brody up and ask him if he had the chance if he'd wake up at 9 and sit in front of the TV till 2 o'clock go ask him with what he just saw

the loving response he saw from heaven or wherever the fuck he is that's everything that goes backwards put something into perspective for you, because you go, I could be doing something. You know, in the Cuban culture on Mondays, we light a candle for the people, and I have a spirit altar.

Of all the friends I have that are gone, whether it's Carmine Balzano, whether it's Tom Expecial, Anthony Balzano, Kurti Lorenzo, Rago, I had a picture of all those friends of mine, my mother, my father, my friend's kid. I had a friend who her daughter was on a graduate on a Saturday and got killed in a drunk crash on a Thursday.

They sent me the invite to the party. I got the invite as they were burying this girl. So I've always had her picture up. And my point is every Monday before the fucking day starts. Before I do anything, I change water for them. I light a candle for them. As I'm putting the glasses of water, I say today I'm going to live for you. you. Well, this week I'm going to live for you. I look at a, I have a friend of a bodybuilder,

a friend of mine that all I got to do is look up and there he is with three cats that are friends of mine. Two of those guys are dead. Two of those guys together were dead. One of them from drugs, both of them from drugs, you know, and I sit there and I look at them and I go, today I got to live for them for what they couldn't do. How lucky am I that I get the opportunity? and I did as many drugs as they did. In fact, I was with them a lot of nights. How lucky am I that I'm getting the opportunity to go do what I need to do today, but they're gone.

So for today, I'm going to do it for them. That's cool. You remember that movie Coco that came out a couple years ago about the Day of the Dead that animated show? I loved that movie. And the whole thing about the photos of deceased people that you love. So because of that movie, I only saw it like last year sometime. I took all these great photos I have of my time.

dad and my sister and I made like I wouldn't call it a shrine but I mean I put them on this little wall next to my kitchen where my counter is where like you know I put my keys and all my business I got to take care of it's right there you leave I see them every day before you leave every day and you see them when you come in it's and you tap your hand on the table it gives me I don't know it just gives you peace inner peace and power and it reminds me fucking you know make the most out of your life today. Not to forget about those people. He had the picture up by midnight or they were going to take him somewhere else or he couldn't cross the bridge. That's what it was, Coco that they couldn't cross the bridge. I'm watching this. I love that film. I took my daughter.

She's loving it, but I'm seeing it from an adult perspective that I live under that rule. I live under that rule. For me to have light, I have to give light to the people before me. I think about my father every day, that poor bastard. I think about my mother, how the fuck she blew her life with alcohol and betting on the Mets. You know, who the fuck bets on the Mets you deserve to die? And that's my mother. 86, that was a good bet. Yeah, I'm like, Jen, no, she went down the flames in 73.

She went down in that flame with Pete Rose and the Cincinnati Reds went to New York, And Pete Rose ended up beating up Bud Harrelson. That took her for a fucking life that time. So it's just, you know, you look at those people, and you go, I'm living for that motherfucker. You know, Josh Adam Myers is going to be on on Wednesday. Josh Adam Myers is a nice kid. I really like him, you know.

We're not super tight. But you know why I love the fuck out of him? The Survivor. because he dedicated his life change when Angelo died. Who's Angel? Angelo was his best friend. And eight of nine years ago, I guess were they in the car together? Yeah, there were open micers together and a drunk driver hit their car.

Okay, and killed Angelo, and he lived. Well, this kid went on a fucking mission. I have to respect somebody like that. Yeah. Josh, Adam, whatever's name. Myers. Myers will always have a... Good kid.

Love his voice. Got such a great voice. He'll always have a chair at my table because he did something that a lot of people don't do. And I remember when I did his goddamn jam, I pulled him aside and I go, Angelo's watching down on your dog. You're making him fucking proud.

You know, I might be mad at Josh Adam Myers. But my respect level, because he turned his life around and said, I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this for Angelo. This is what Angelo fucking wanted. And there's certain people who do that And do it with a fucking word on their chest

And you have to respect those people And that's what I've done That's what my I do a one-man show at the comedy store And that's what the theme is That I'm doing this I did this my mother's wife My mother had one fucking thing for me Yeah she wanted me to be in the army

And she wanted to be to be an attorney That was great But the main thing she wanted me to be Was to me a man What does a man do? Is he beat up people does he have 50 girlfriends know there's a certain way a man or acts

there's a certain way a man presents himself there's a certain way a man talks about or to people that's what she wanted out of me well it took me 50 years to get there but I got there do you understand it took me 50 years

I wonder if my dad and my sister if they'd have lived if I would still be fucking up and I don't know you know like maybe they died so I could have this life change, you know, I don't know. Well, you know, the thing, there's people who let things go by them, and there's people who take every sign and do something with it.

God gives you signs every day. He gives you stupid fucking signs every day. When I say God, I'm lying to you, the universe. Whoever there's Gandhi, Mohammed, who's the other guy that white people like? Buddha? No, that's Chinese. What's the one Justin Gieber

Chau Ming whatever they say Roll with it Everybody's got a philosopher My philosopher is the universe The universe will give you the signs you need Little by little They'll give you the signs

And you'll see him, miss him And then you'll go Fuck He told me two weeks ago On that sapsign That bum said Vote Andrew Yang I fucked up

You know what I'm saying that I went with Joe Biden I just voted with Andrew Yang The black guy in the corner told me to it. You get signs, and you see him sometimes in movies with a director or show you an actor getting a sign from something, just from something, you know. Rocky, when he goes that night to the arena,

and he sees that his shorts, he says to the promoter, hey, look at the fucking shorts. They're wrong. My shorts are red with blue. These are blue with red. The promoter looks at him, takes a puff off, cigar and he goes, does it really matter? We know you're going to give him a good fight.

That little sentence made Rocky almost kill Apollo Green. He almost killed him. He almost fucking, you know. What's the speech Rocky gives and Rocky four to Dolf Lundgren at the end? Do you remember? Tremend the ring? Tremendous. About how come if two guys can't get together, why can't our countries?

Our countries. Yeah. If I can respect you. And you can respect me. And then he did a good one at the end of Rambo. It's a great speech. It's a dog, everyone at the end of Rambo. Because America, how come America doesn't love it?

America doesn't love us as much as we love it. You know, all those little things. Majorly the movie theater, like, I'm going to beat up a motherfucking Spanish dude. I'm going to go beat up one of them third world nation. He's got a new one out, but I really want you to watch it. I want him to make Cobra too. The one, Cole, all that was.

Remember, God loved Cobra, and he had to match stick in his teeth. But in that fucking car he had, it was like a 1948 Ford. That was God awful. That was a lot of cocaine involved. I think it's his best film. Somebody gave him like a pound of Coke and said. That's Stallone's best film. Really?

I'm kidding. Oh, my God. But no, I do love that movie because he looks so cool. And that car was so bad ass. blonde the whole thing I just hated that whole thing that whole thing was just didn't he have his wife in that

yeah that's why it was cocaine involved and blow jobs and asshole eatings and you know they left them along who knew she was going to end up with flavor flavor at that point yeah and now she just had a baby oh you're kidding me she's like in her 50s yeah she just had a kid she did something

miraculously went to like Spain and they got that fucking bullhorn sperm over there I need to take a quick peeve. Go ahead. Go take a little fucking pee-pies. You know what I'm saying? You need a P-P's. Yeah, we got a great weekend this week.

I forgot to tell you guys, me and George Perez will be up in Bakersfield Friday night at the Fox Theater. I think the Tower Theater is already sold out. And then January 25th, my friend and I, Steve Di Simone, will be in Atlanta, the tabernacle theaters for the second show.

The first show is all sold out. The second shows at 9.30. And there you have it. So don't ask me about the fucking dates later because I don't know. I'm lucky I remember this shit now. It's Monday the 13th. We're just trying to fucking keep this year together. A lot of weird things happened this week in the NFL.

That was no. That's why I tell you, motherfuckers, you never see a bookie with a part-time job. Nobody expected to see Tennessee beat New England. home, sorry Lee. And then going to fucking Baltimore. No, they're too good. I mean, you can't. Have you seen how big that running back here?

No, it's too much. It's too much. So this is why I'm saying to you, if you haven't done anything of my book, you start having some fun. This might be the weekend for you. I'd say I never bet. I mean, it just was never my thing,

but there's certain sporting events that you can't avoid. I'm nuts about the World Cup. So the last World Cup, I bet $100 on France to win And then my mother's from Argentina So I put $100 on Argentina And France won And I won like 600 bucks

I couldn't believe it Where did you put the book I was at the MGM Okay In Vegas You still travel? Not as much as I was You know I'm doing about

Only one or two weeks a month on the road Um I just did I was home in Orlando with the improv. I got, I'm going to Europe in June. And other than that, I'm just focusing on L.A. and New York and staying in the States. Do you keep your status left this year?

No, no, actually, this is the last month. They send me down to platinum. Oh, no. Yeah. I just can't do it anymore. I'm getting older. My body's to be on all these flights. On Tuesday, I will be 53.

53. this Tuesday, tomorrow. Yeah, the 14th. Happy birthday to you. Thank you, my brother. Have you, what do you feel at 53? I'm just curious. What are you?

I did something in December that it stayed with me for three days. I did a, I ate Thanksgiving with my family, had a great day with them, got on the red eye, went to Fort Laudel, did four shows in Miami, flew back Sunday, And then that Wednesday took another 6 a.m. flight to New York. It was a six-hour flight. Did the town hall, did two shows, took a train to Boston,

and then flew back from Boston. It took me three days to recover. I mean, I still did the podcast. I was still a dad. It's hard, man. And I still went to the store on a Tuesday night. Yeah. But Thursday, it was when I finally felt, like, ooh.

And I still lifted on Monday. I still did all my regular activities. it just felt a little bit fucking heavy. Like, it was like, wow, I'm, what do you feel it? Now, are two flights a week getting to you yet back to back? I mean, it is because I've been, you know, I've been flying so much. The last couple years, especially, you know, I came out with that new album this year, last year, called Around the World.

And I recorded it in 24 cities around the world. Starts in Paris and's in Jerusalem. So the last couple years, I was obsessed with making. in this album and I was obsessed with hitting that diamond status on Delta, which also, you know, my wife decided she didn't want to travel anymore. So that kind of was when we, you know, started to lose our connection and everything. But it takes a lot out on your body, you know. I got back and neck problems and I just can't do it like I used to. And I want to focus. Also, I did a tour of England last year.

I did England, Ireland, and Scotland, a really great tour, and I recorded those shows. So I'm going to come out with another album in a couple months, probably called The Honky Motherland from that tour. But, I mean, I've focused so hard on the international stuff for the last however many years. I really want to focus on the States. I'm loving, living in Los Angeles. I've got a new girlfriend. She's 25. I'm 53.

I never wanted to be the divorce guy with the younger girlfriend, but I'm not complaining. And I'm like really happy in my life. And I love, you know, I, you know, like we talked about, comedy's my religion. It's my political party. It's all I give a shit about. I don't care about anything else. I'm switching up this year. I'm doing the road till May.

I'm doing stand up till May. I got, I'm doing an all-smout. this show. Oh, you told me that. I can't believe. May 17th. I mean, I'll speak English. Wow. Yeah, I'll hear me on Sunday night, two shows seven and nine. Well. And in June and July, I'm going to just do a storyteller tour.

That's it. Four shows, one and a half hours of stories. Do you think that'll be your next special? It'll be all stories? No. I just want to switch it up because of not. I'll shoot myself. Yes. You know.

August, I've got a Sandy. Diego date, there's something I want to go see in August. The last two weeks of August, why travel? I'm not competing with vacationers and kids. And then September, I got a hit it heavy the first week. The soprano movie comes out on the 25th. I got a couple dates with Joe. You know, I got a Philly that I'll do stand-up again.

Instead of, what I want to do is put what I'm doing now onto a CD. Get it out of the way. That's it. That's it. It's been six months I'm doing this fucking material adding to it, blah, blah, blah. Let's get rid of it. Let's down this fucking thing. Start from scratch this week and then have hopefully 20, 30 by May.

Give it a breather again. You know, I'm trying to write this one-man show, which I perform at the store, the third Wednesday of every month. I do segments of it because I'm trying to cut it down to two hours. In which room? Belly room. I mean, this one-man show could be. I can keep you there for 22 hours. I'll fucking put IVs in everybody.

And I'll fucking, I'll do Chappelle. I got, you know, my life story goes 22 hours. And God forbid I think... It's an epic story. If I take a left turn. So what I'm doing is I'm gonna... I'm writing all this shit for this one-man show, but obviously I'm not going to be able to use it.

I got to get to the meat and potatoes of this one-man show for me to start working it out. I think after the comedy store, I'll pick a little 99-seat theater in, you know, L.A., something 99-seat right down in Lancashire, where we bumped into each other when we went to see Lenny Bruce. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like something like that. Yeah. Listen, I'm not looking to break the bank. I'm looking to do.

Artistic expression. We do different things. Yeah. 50 fucking seven years old. You know, I got into this because I like John. Legerzamo specials. But I bought all of them. Like I have, I have whatever,

spicorama on book. And they just put out Latin for morons. I'm not insulting John Leggizamo, but it's the same shit he put out 20 years ago. Yeah. I'm sure at this point I could put a way better one-man show-out, and he's got that Studio 54 at $200 a ticket. I don't even want to charge $2 a ticket.

I just want to tell my story of the small theater in New York every fucking Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, whatever, just to have a little residency. I want to do something different, man. Yeah. I want to do something outside the box. I love the podcast. I'm never going to not do the podcast because you're not having your word out there on a weekly

just hurt you. You got to get out there every week and let them know. Whatever you're feeling, negative, positive, whatever the fuck you're feeling because maybe they're feeling the same thing too, you know, and you go through it together through a fucking wire. Look at this. This is it. Yeah.

This is it. I know what you're saying, though. I think I might have talked to you about this, but I've been, I'm almost finished with this book, and it was inspired by the Around the World album. And it's all my, my relationship to all these different cities around the world.

And it's my best stories of traveling around the world, like almost drowning in Thailand. I'm almost finished with writing about taking my mother, my 80-year-old Jesus freak mother to Jerusalem last year. That'll probably be the last chapter in the book. And so sometime later this year, I want to do something like that to an hour, one-man show that are just my stories of traveling around the world. That's it. So I want to publish the book first and then do it.

And like you're saying, I'm not even thinking of turning it into a moneymaker. I'm thinking of doing it in small little theaters just to do something different. Just to do what it is. I'm 57 February 19th. And we've got to record these stories for posterity. I don't know. I'm doing an audio boom book. I am doing an audio book. We're just working out the details right now. I'm very excited to do this because there's no reason for me to have a hardcover book. Barnes & Noble. You know, Elvis is dead and Barnes & Noble ain't doing that good anyway. It was a dream of mine to see a book of me on a shelf, but I'm not a good writer. I'm not, I don't have the patience to write. I don't know about TV anymore. Yeah. You know, it's got to be the right fucking gig.

And I'm very happy where I am. You know, right now I'm in the process that I'm trying to raise a seven-year-old girl to get her ready for this fucking avenue doom that I put her on, you know? If I would have knew the world wasn't going to be in this shape, I wouldn't have shot a load of nobody. I would have shot a load in a fucking pillow. But, you know, you got to get your kids ready for today's world. It's a different fucking world.

Yeah. That's what I'm trying to do. on roads, you know. And it's great that think of how many guys we started with and we had long talks with and they told us about this and this.

These guys are out of the business or not to put anybody down on a cruise ship, you know, or they're doing something completely out of their realm which they started doing because now they have to fucking pay a mortgage. And I'll tell you something.

Being a slave to a mortgage or being a slave to your fucking and things you own, that's a horrible way to live. I'd rather fucking live to keep the nut low, keep everybody low, keep everybody happy, and that's it. That's why I'm at this point in my life. I'm just looking, you know, 70 is the new 50.

We still have 13 years on this mic. I know I do. I know I do. There's going to be pieces of hair falling off. My nose is going to look like all these langs. You know what I'm saying? My head's going to be all fucked up. But I'll still be here doing this podcast with an IV on.

Because I don't give a fuck. I'll be doing live. I'm here with the, you know, I'm like the pedophile with the voice box. You're going to see a pedophile with a voice box and shit. Come here. I'm going to give me some candy.

Then he goes to his pocket and his batteries from the voice box. It's a fucking nightmare. You're still going to be doing ass and taking out. You probably can put stuff in the IV. I really don't. You know, it just. age is just a number and did I

I popped into the comedy store last month and John Waters was doing a show in the in the main room and apparently he does a show there once a year I love John Waters and he he he I talked to him afterwards two Thursdays ago yeah yeah maybe two Thursdays ago

because I was like what the fuck is he doing I couldn't believe it I couldn't believe it I couldn't believe it even and like I the show how old is he now 70 because I know this because or 71 because because he wrote a book about four or five years ago about hitchhiking across America from Baltimore to San Francisco, John Waters. And I read it. And he's like, people are like, are you John Waters or you look like John Waters? And he's like, oh, you know, pretty distinctive

looking cat with his, you know, Boris. Naradoff. Yeah, the mustache. And he, I said, amen, I loved that book. And he said, I just wrote another book about doing acid at 70. So that's what his new book is about. Doing acid at 70. That must be very interesting. I haven't done acid in years.

Jesus. A couple times I've done the acid that's run through me. It's been good acid, but it hasn't taken me over. To the spot. Open that door. I'm going to go pee. I can't imagine doing the acid that you did then because I've done it with you a times and it drives me crazy.

Did you, I was wondering, Tom, did you watch that PBS thing, the Mark Twain thing about Chappelle? I did, it was brilliant. I just saw it a couple nights ago. I thought it was really great. And I saw Neil Brennan last night, and I told him how incredible I thought he was on it.

Oh, yeah, I thought it was very inspired. I thought it was cool the way, because, like, you guys were talking how not every, not everyone has a great reputation, and everyone, like everyone loved him.

And then just the thing, the speech he had at the end about how it's an art and how and all that, I thought it was just very. I'm glad you brought that up because he said, I may not agree with every practitioner of this genre, but I know where they're coming from. They have an idea. They want to be understood. They want to be heard. I thought that speech was beautiful. Yeah, it was. And then him having his mom there, like I just hit two years.

and I'll say when I was watching that I teared up a little bit because Joey had let me let me open for him a year ago in the Wilbur Theater which was my growing up in Boston with like the biggest theater. Yeah. And I said a joke that I never said ever again and I've never said before and I won't never say again and I heard my mom laugh. Like I just just like that gift that Joey gave me was pretty amazing. Like having that memory of my mom laughing in the Wilbur theater. Your mom's seeing you at the Wilbur Theater in Boston. Pretty, it's a, like, as much as like this is fun and all that, it's, it is pretty amazing what it gives us.

And I'm brand new at it. And I'm nowhere near anywhere you guys are. Well, I had the greatest, you know, I did this tour of Israel and you have to be squeaky clean to do this tour. And I, you know, I only had to do 20 minutes sets. I was really nervous about it. I was like thinking of old jokes and, like, It turned out not to be a problem, but the last gigs on this tour were in Jerusalem.

And I brought my mother over there with me. We flew over a week early, and just to give her that experience, huge, you know, Jesus woman, who's prayed for me her whole life. And then the best shows of that entire tour were in Jerusalem. And this beautiful theater, like modern theater. And there was like a 7 p.m. show for the older people. and then there was like a 10 p.m. show for the younger people. And my mom sat in that audience and got to see me destroying

in the city where Jesus did his best work. That's by one of the proudest moments of my life. You know, and then when I was worried about the clean material, it wasn't a problem. It's like when I travel around the world to different countries, usually what you lose in reference, you gain an observation. So like I had these great stories about about just my experience with my mom in Jerusalem or in Israel.

I told the story on stage in Jerusalem. It's on my album on the Jerusalem track where when I was 16 years old, I was dumped by my high school sweetheart. And my mother and I had to walk around Lake Charm in Oviedo, Florida, hundreds of times before I even started to feel a little bit better. And then here we were 35 years later. Walking along the Mediterranean Sea in Tel Aviv, reliving this exact same moment because I was going to my divorce. And I realized at that moment that I think my mother is the love of my life.

And you should have heard this audience, especially the older audience at 7 p.m. in Jerusalem just go, oh, oh, you know. So, but I'm glad you brought that up. Did you guys watch that, Joey, the PBS thing that Chappelle did? No. It was pretty interesting. It's brilliant. And it's great. He did a set at the improv in D.C.

The night before, the way they cut in that and, like, old performance footage of him. I thought it was, it was, PBS knocked it out of the park with that. I know he accepted an award, the Mark Twain. The Mark Twain Award, which that's like, that's the Pulitzer Prize for a comedian. You know, the first comedian ever to win the Mark Twain Award was Richard Pryor. You know, and they do it at the Lincoln Center.

It's a big deal. And I love the fact that he honored Tony Woods. And you know, do you know, Tony? I've known Tony. Tony, he's such a beautiful guy in the business. And everybody said forever that, you know, Chappelle, you know, learned how to do stand-up from him. And Chappelle takes the moment to say, and the thing, you know, you know, Miles Davis was copying Dizzy Gillespie. And if I'm Miles Davis, I was copying you. You know, you were the first comedian I ever saw who was doing it right the way it was supposed to be. You were honest and fearless and, you know, it's really great. And it's, it makes you really, like, I'm, when I got into comedy, the level I thought I was going to make it to, was the level of the comics that couldn't make it because of their alcohol and their drug abuse problems.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, there's a thousand of those guys on the road that, you know, they just travel to get high and that, that's it. Yeah. They think if you live in L.A. and you're gay. If you play the improvs, you're a corporate sellout. They have an excuse for every level of what you're doing comedy, except for what they're doing. Meanwhile, they're playing like Moonchucks Comedy Room

and fucking bum fuck, bum fucking. It's just, like, I'm honored to be where I'm at right now. Like, nobody's more grateful than I am. I feel the same way. Exactly. What the fuck I am. I'm not the most famous, but I'm so grateful for what I have. I know exactly who the fuck I am and where I came from.

So when they call him my name up to go on the original room, I'm like, oh, my God, that I bullshit my way through this one? You know, like, I know who the fuck I am. That's why I've never caught on to another shit. I never, you know, I watched the Kevin Hart thing on Netflix. I love Kevin. Wouldn't want to be Kevin. I wouldn't want to be Kevin. I wouldn't want to be Kevin.

I wouldn't want to be Kevin. Wow. That's a different life of comedy that I like, I told you last night, my utopia for comedy was living at the Chelsea, shooting a heroin, doing comedy in between strippers like Lenny Bruce. When I read that, I go, I could accept that. There was no TV there. There was no friends.

I didn't want to be Seinfeld. That had nothing to do with all that shit. You know, how I ended up here and whatever's completely. different. But that's where my head is at as a comic. Well, I told you, I had that experience because Mitch Hedberg lived at the Chelsea 98 to 2000 when I was

living in Wall Street. I was Mitch been dead for now. He died in 2005, so it's 15 years now. March. He died in March. It'll be 15 years in March. So Headberg was one of my best friends in that period. And we'd

done a ton of Coke at the Chelsea. If we weren't at the Chelsea, we were at my rock star apartment in the Wall Street area was after my sitcom. I had tons of cash. And just, you know, he had like two guitars in his room at the Chelsea. We'd sit up all night, you know, drinking and sniffing. Or we'd be down in Wall Street at my place,

playing music and dancing on furniture, bringing people back that we met after the shows and stuff. It was a lot of fun. So I had that Chelsea hotel drug experience. I don't look back then. It was great, man, because, you know, had all this, like... Did they redo it? Were they... No, no, it was still gritty.

It was still gritty. I mean, there were some rooms that were nicer than others. We got invited to some other people's rooms that were, you know, there was some bigger sweet rooms on the higher floors. But, you know, all in the lobby and up down the staircase were all these fantastic paintings by, you know, artists who had lived there that couldn't pay their rent that gave them art, you know? and just so much great artistic history there it's been quite a ride huh brother yeah and it doesn't end I mean I feel like I'm I'm moving into the best period of my life

and in my comedy now so am I you know so crazy because I know I've had so much experiences and I have so much wisdom and knowledge now you know that I didn't have my it's so weird out I learned so much about life you know When I came in, Lee was talking about that he went up at the Wilbur Theater, you know, in front of his mom, and it was great. And this year, I was going to do the other theater, the Chevrolet Theater. And I thought real hard, I go, am I going to take Lee with me?

And I thought about it really hard. And then Lee came to me and asked, am I going with you? And then he goes, because Steve Simone, and I go, I don't want to take you to that theater anymore. and I felt really guilty about it because I know it would be his time to see his mom and I want him to see his mom but I want Lee to see the journey I felt I didn't do theaters at the two-year mark

nobody took me to a fucking theater yeah nobody took me to a theater to the seven-year mark and I fucking die the slow death I think Lee needs to see the journey of this because it'll help him with all the other areas of his life you know

and I think that's what this comedy career for me was a it was a whole therapeutic 25 year took me to find out who the fuck I was and what my voice was about and what I really wanted

you know that's hard it's really hard to look at yourself in the mirror and go what do I really want you know and like a friend of mine said you gotta write it down seven times and then to give yourself the answer You know, now is what? And it wasn't me writing it down seven times.

That's a great way of doing it. It was taking the journey. This is a journey, man. You know, and the comedy journey is the manhood journey or the womanhood journey or the story of the woman that has to adjust to live in a man's world to do fucking comedy like Whitney Cummings and, you know, all the great female comics

have had to cut their pussies off or put Scots tape over it or Scots tape their own dick to do comedy. And that's why I want to leave. It wasn't that I didn't want to take them with me. I said, I wanted to see this journey that I saw. This journey that I saw, you have to see. You have to see this journey that I saw to appreciate that 915 spot. Yeah, exactly.

The comedy store. Have you ever read Joseph Prince, the hero with a thousand faces? No. Apparently, George Lucas took a, a lot of this guy's teachings and put it into the original Star Wars. That's why it's got this, the story is broken down the way it is. But this guy, he was a mythology expert, an ancient culture expert. This guy studied stories from ancient Greek theater, studied all the religions,

theater, the history of theater, up to contemporary cinema, ending with the movie Star Wars. So the hero with a thousand faces basically says that everyone we ever considered a hero in the Bible, in stories and movies in any kind of situation in storytelling, the story of the hero always has a similar pattern. The hero was on his way, on his journey, rising up, and then something knocked him down that he had to overcome him or her and had to. and had to rise, had to overcome some major setback or some major heartback or even death in Jesus's story that everyone we ever considered a hero never went straight up to the top all the way. People who rise and never deal with problems

aren't people we consider heroes. It's always the people who overcame some major fucking setback in their journey to rise back up. So I think you're absolutely right. Listen, this is this journey of being a comic taught me how to be a comic, but it taught me how to be a man. I agree, me too. It taught me how to be a real man. Then I became the comic, and then everything smoothened up.

You know, I was noticing last night at the comedy store, there's no negative energy up there no more. You walk in the hallway, you see Christaia talking to Whitney. Yeah. There's somebody else. You hug them. You're giggling. And it's exciting, man. And I like studying the masters and seeing what other people are doing.

It's just an exciting time. Listen, man, I'm happy he took the time out to come on up today and share you a beautiful fucking. I love you with all my heart, Joey Diaz. I love you with my heart. What do you got coming up? Thanks for being my friend, you know, especially last year when I was going through my divorce, man.

Anybody can be a good friend when everything's happy. Hey, man, if you want a good friend, you got to be a good friend. and that's the fucking moral of today's Monday morning podcast, January 13th, 2000. The day before my birthday. Before you, what do you got planned for your birthday, my friend? Spot at the store. That would be the best possible birthday. We'll just see you at the store tomorrow.

I'll be at the store. We'll be at the store. And I'll be everywhere all over the, you know, America is here. I think comedy chaos is next week. Yeah, no. I'm on comedy chaos this week with Tripoli and tonight I'm down there. You down there tonight?

If you're going there, I'll be down there tonight. I'm always down there on the, I don't know whatever. Listen. Well, yeah, and we didn't get to talk about B. Korme Yoga. I thought that was funny. Oh, let's go. Let's go. Let's talk about it.

Let's talk about it. Well, that was great. You talked about that documentary. Right. That showed the... Disgust bag that he is. The show the disgust bag that he is. Fifteen years ago when I was living in.

in L.A. I started, I was doing Beakram Yoga. There was a bunch of comedian friends of mine that were into it. And I don't like to exercise. But it was like, you know, full of it, just it's hot, it's in 100 degrees, you're sweating your balls off.

I enjoyed it. I did the I did it at the, what was the headquarters. And he came in and taught a class once because Indian television, people, television from India was filming him and it was a really small class and some LA dude in the in the class

pours water on his head and the guy Beekram yells at him what are you doing in my on the guy I when I pulled in I saw him pull in at the same time in his Rolls Royce and he was so he starts grandstanding in front of the television cameras for India what are you doing wasting water pouring water on your head in my country people have to walk 10 miles to get some fresh water and he was just totally doing it

for the television cameras and I'm thinking well you know why don't you sell the rolls and build a fucking viaduct that could get fresh water to your village that you abandoned you know it was like kind of pretentious L.A. stuff but

like they say in that documentary it was a great exercise and it was their ancient yoga poses and just for the stretching of the spine most people get back problems as they get older I wouldn't mind getting back into some kind of yoga just to like just to twist the spine around no it's good for you it's just the way

he took over L.A. He took over L.A. like Harvey Weinstein's Yeah it was like you were talking before there was people that wouldn't call him out and here's like you know liberal L.A. females and feminists there and like that guy was, you know. Well, that's the home to those fucking knuckleheads. See, that's the home. See, I got approached by them at a party where a chick said to me,

it's not just the exercise. He touches you inside. And I remember looking at it going, you're fucking retarded. But if you notice, everything in L.A., everything in Hollywood is, listen, let me get this out of the way right now for you motherfuckers, just so you know what time it is. When New York sneezes, everybody catches a cold.

The party comes out of New York. Don't ever let that mistake you at all. The party started in New York, and the party's always going to be in New York. L.A. has got this different thing. You know, the other day I saw, you know, Marky Walberg credits his body to Jump in Jackson, F-45. So what's F-45? F-45 is in New Circle Schools around the country

where they're doing it completely different. Like for years we've been doing it right. Now we're doing it wrong. So now, because Marky Warburg is doing it, there's probably a thousand people going up there. You got to see this shit, you know. Resistance Day, Rainbow Day, Flower Day. We go in phases.

When I got here in 97, it was Taibo. Everybody was kicking on the streets. Even if he went to 7-Eleven, there was a Hindu back there throwing Taibo lessons for two hours a morning. What happened to Ty Bo? What happened to Ty Bo? We just, we are the suckers for everything here in L.A.

Yeah. We are suckers. You know, and now New York has that type of civilization that young Juana, L.A. be. So they'll get it. They'll get it to, and they'll pay $2.85 a month when they can just go to the Y and do $44 and take all the classes and get the same benefits they got from 0.45. You know, you always, it's so weird. Like, I, I don't go to the gym.

I'm trained, you know, yeah, because you want to be different than everybody else. That's all actors ever want to do is show you how they're different, you know. Well, Jennifer Lopez's body, you know, I wonder who her trainer is, the same one that's in your town. Same fucking idiot. Don't eat and do jumping jacks. That's Jennifer Lopez's fucking thing, okay? You know what I'm saying? there was a very

effeminate instructor at that Beekram He had corners years ago He wasn't the main guy There was another guy that was right Yeah yeah yeah yeah I only saw the beckram teach the thing once But like some of these people

You know it's hot You know some people barely wear anything So some people would go in and Only wear underwear And this very effeminate Indian Instructor One day goes

I just want to say, like in the middle of that class, because I just want to say, some of you men who insist on coming in here in your underwear, what is that? This is a holy sanctuary, and it should be respected as that. You, you there in the Calvin Klein striped underwear, do you think we want to see that?

I'm gay, and I don't want to see that. I thought it was hilarious how this fucking guy just chopped off this dude's head. I would have raised my hand. said you're full of shit there lottery man all right listen you're full of shit that's prime fucking asshole for you

right there you're a stinky fucking lottery ticket salesman and that's a nice little white guy with a tight asshole and you're telling me you're offended go fuck yourself they're all a bunch of fucking liars

at the end of the week these fucking lottery salesmen how can they find you dog Oh, at underscore Tom Rhodes on Instagram, tomroads.net. And buy my album around the world. You'll be around the store in next couple weeks? Yeah, I'll be around. Yeah, I'm around a lot the next couple months.

I can't wait to fucking see you're out. You're good. When you're around, it takes the fucking ego level down at the store. You know what I'm saying? You're right about the good vibe, man. It's really special there. It's been a great vibe there the last four years. got rid of everybody that was a fucking shithead,

everybody that would go in there and look at Tom Rose and go, why is he here? You know, like that, those type of people. We're here because we're comics, bitch. Yeah. You know, it was even great to see because me and Neil got into it for a while.

He would break my balls. He would go, are you going to use structure tonight or you're just going to go out there? You know, so then I would go to him. Neil, teach me structure. When are you going to teach me how to do structure? I don't know nothing about nothing, you know? And even him last night, I gave him the big,

his hug and picked them up and kissed him yeah told them you never and he doesn't like to touch people no so it's guys thought it was cool that you guys hugged when you brought you on for I don't give a he's a he's a potato guy not a handshake guy he's no show he's got no chance with me we're in the

hugging business now we got I don't have that much time left in the world these hugs count you have my daughter give you a hug get to come over the house I have my seven year old give you hug I love it all your problems will disappear they all disappear for three minutes you go, what the fuck is this hug about?

That's what I'm looking forward to going home and getting a fucking hug. Anyway, the church is sponsored by Hymns. You're like, Joey, what is Hymns? Hymns is a wellness brand for men that's helped of hair loss, ED, and other problems that you might be having.

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I go, not that type of stabbing. An old fucking good stabbing. He looked at me. He said that on stage last night. He goes, oh, oh. Gotta give you a wife a stab. If not, they forget, they think they're the boss. You got to keep them.

You can't smack him. You know, OJ's dead, and I don't feel so good myself. But you got to keep them down with the dick. If not, they start talking back to year. They don't make meatloaf on Wednesday nights. I'm saying? Anyway, listen, start 20-20 off right. Go to forehams.com slash Joey.

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slash Joey. The church is also brought to you by and I'm sick and fucking tired of telling you about this because you should be ashamed of yourself. You're all young. Get out there. Have a good time. It's brought to you by my bookie.

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but most importantly, I want to thank you, motherfuckers, for always having our back. Do not forget Friday night, Bakersfield with George Perez. Fresno, the tickets are sold out. It looks like you got on the bicycle and taking a ride to Bakersfield. If not, you're fucked, all right?

That's it and that's that. We'll be back Thursday morning, ready to rock and roll with you, motherfuckers. I want to thank my brother, Tom Rhodes. I want to thank the Christ Killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you, motherfuckers. Don't forget, Atlanta, 25th of January, 930 show, there's still some tickets left, you know, take the drive. I don't give a fuck. It's a snow. Take a chance Columbus did.

Get a bottle of Blackberry branding, get out there in the snow and see where it takes you. Some of some years, my end up in the snow embarkment and the other ones are going to end up with DUI, but what the fuck are you doing with your life anyway? A couple of nights in the pokey builds character. I love you, motherfucker, but thank you very much. for listening to see you on Thursday morning.