The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #753 - Rosebud Baker

Episode Date: January 20, 2020

Rosebud Baker, a comedian and actor seen on Amazon's "Inside Jokes" and Comedy Central's "Bill Burr Presents: The Ringer," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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What's happening, you fucking savage? How are you? I'm good. I'm good to have you. Good to have you, yes. Good to meet you, too. I'm a fan of yours, man. I watch some of your stuff, and you're very interesting.

Before the podcast, we were talking about drinking. But we basically... Yeah, we both quit. You were drinking 12 years ago. Yeah. And I quit snort and Coke 12 years ago. Yeah. And you snort it dry.

No alcohol. Like a psychopath. Water. Water. Like a fucking serial killer. I would get a fucking package and get one of those big gallons of water. Yeah. Because in my fat, cocaine addicted mine, it was okay to do coke as long as I drink water.

Yeah, you got to stay hydrated. That's the secret. Yeah. Absolutely. That's the NER. All these other people, the only reason why they're getting fucked up. I'm not fucked up. There's nothing wrong with me.

Yeah. I just got bugs in my face and I pick them. Right. I'm not homeless if I have a briefcase. But I'm drinking water with Coke. Yeah. Which in my sick mind, looking back at it, I'm not getting you guys. Yeah.

It was like, what do you want from me? I just drank three gallons of water. Yeah. Who else drank three gallons of water today? Nobody. I used to do shit like that too where I'd make up rules in my head. You make up rules in your head. And then if I ate sushi the next morning, I was healed.

You're good. Yeah. If I had like a couple pieces of albacore, I put the albacour had like some cocaine, yeah. Fighting germs. I'm that serious with you people. I'll tell you this.

These are not jokes. I totally make, it makes sense to me. It really did. I would go and go all you can eat sushi. And I would drink a bottle of that fucking red juice. Right. When it was.

Pomegranate? Right. I would drink a gallon with it, which is like eating a fucking sugar cane stick. Yeah. Yeah. And I swear to God, it was like God healed me. Yeah.

I go out, get smashed, and then go home, and if I drank a whole pediolite, you know, the baby, the infant thing with electrolytes, I'd be like, I'm fine. Like if I, because I'd wake up without a hangover. So if you wake up without a hangover, whatever you did the night before doesn't count. Right? That's like how I, in my brain, I thought that was fine. No, the attic, the mind works. How do you feel now that you have, you don't smoke dope? I don't I don't smoke

You'd rather smoke no I did I used to smoke weed but that I think I quit smoking weed Just because like I wasn't getting as much done as I wanted to Okay And that was like Quitting smoking weed was so fucking easy It's like the withdrawal is just boredom

And that's it So if you can deal with being bored Yeah that is the withdrawal You're fine You know you're from D.C. originally You went to Emerson College You went to Lee a fucking Goombaz alumni Yeah

We sat here and you two young kids broke my heart by saying that you thought it was a waste to go to fucking college. It is a waste. You know. If you're in entertainment, it's a fucking waste. Yeah, especially art school. Yeah. Now look at it from a guy like Myers' perspective. Like I came from Cuba.

You know what it would be like to go to an American college? Like that was like my parents, my mother's dream. Like for me to go to Notre Dame and shit and rah-rah and paint your face. And then you go. And you go through this hole, because when you look at it in hindsight, it's like this brainwashing. Right. Because I think you guys get it when your third year of college, you're like, what the fuck am I doing? Yeah.

Yeah. Now that you pick your major, you start thinking, you start double checking yourself. And that fucks with you. Yeah. That fucks with you. Because your friend Susie, who's a dumb fuck, who her father beat her with a whip. They hit her in the head with a brick. She had to quit school because she got pregnant when she was 18.

Right. She's working out the stock market driving the Mercedes-Benz. Yeah. She hasn't sucked the cock in eight months because you don't need to. You know, I mean, so you start, I don't know, in your mind as a college. This is why it just this whole thing kills me about college. And I've been obsessed with. It's such a scam.

Lee was the one who really, I go, Lee, let me ask you a question. When you go to these interviews, do people even bring up Emerson? Like if you walked into, like if I was a Hollywood mogul, me being me, Joey D. Somebody who started like as an assistant to somebody. Yeah. And I scammed myself into VP of operations. Right. And then I became like, if I interviewed you for a job, I'd be like mesmerized.

Like, so you went to Emerson College. Oh my God. Like to me, it was so prestigious. Yeah. You know, I heard of Emerson Cam. You know, but Emerson. Listen for entertainment. Yeah.

Right. The only, for me, the only time I ever got asked was probably, like, the first job. Like, the first job out of college when you're going to intern. Right. And they're like, did you go to college? Right. And you're like, yes, check. I have that.

Everything else after that, all they care about is your experience. Yeah. And college. Like, for me, I should have, if I was smart, I would have gone to, like, even University of Colorado and done computer stuff. then I like that's something worthwhile yeah going art school and I was lucky like I was sure I knew I want what I wanted to do I had people who graduated from Emerson and then went and had to do like another year somewhere because they said oh I want to go to law school instead yeah and they just

spent 200 grand to get like a film degree that they'll never ever even think I have a friend from Emerson that was in costume design and it took her six years and then she realized she wanted to be a physical trainer and then she had to go to fucking a whole other thing and it was like Jesus Christ you know like and it's and now she's just I think she just bought a house finally but it's like you can't do anything with I mean and even for me I would just go I was going on auditions and shit so they didn't even care that I went to college they were like oh you have no experience whatsoever like in the real world it doesn't count like your play that you did in college doesn't count you I should have just fucking moved to L.A.

Or moved to New York. How old were you when you got into standup? I was 27. Okay, so you were not. Were you thinking stand-up at Emerson? No, not at all. Not at all. It was the farthest thing.

I didn't even want to do stand-up when I started it. Like, I was just kind of, I just had a bad year. And I was lost, and I was like, maybe I'm going to be a dog trainer or I'll be like a social worker. And my friend was like, you would suck at both of those things. you're not a warm person. You don't have the personality for that. So just go and do, like try doing jokes because you're always sending them to me.

Just go try to do stand-up. And I tried it. And I'm an addict. So I got a laugh. And then I kept going. I kept going every night. I'd just gotten out of this relationship with a guy that was pretty physically abusive. Like it was a domestic abuse situation.

And I was just like, he was an actor. And I was like, I want nothing to do with the acting world. I don't want to fucking even look at a headshot every. again and stand-up just became kind of a way to talk about the shit that was happening. Did you act in high school? Yeah. See, another thing I didn't do. Because I didn't get along with Mr. Pullman.

Trust me, I was on Facebook looking for this. Just a friend of to tell him to suck my dick. You miserable fuck. It was 15 credits and it was stage handing. Yeah. And all you built was two stages of fucking year. Right. So his name was Bob Pullman in high school.

Speaking of allegations, he used to sell weed to us. Yeah. He used to get weed shipped in from Hawaii in 1980. It's not really an allegation. $35 for a fucking eighth of tie stick. It was like a stick with weed tied around it. Yeah. And he didn't like me, so he never let me.

But then my freshman year, I took intro to performing arts. Or some stupid fucking thing like that. Like, it was a quarter of doing each. Yeah. And I'll never forget I had a lesbian teacher who I really liked. She was chubby. The whole lesbian outfit, it was a chub. It was tough being lesbian in the 70s.

It wasn't easy. Yeah. And she said something to me one day. She goes, I want you to do, it was improv. Yeah. And she goes, I want you to do lip-sick a song. Like, what? She goes, I want you to lip-sank a song.

And I go, you know what? It was the weirdest thing. Like, somebody had, you ever talked? in the sixth grade, the teacher told me if I behave on Fridays he let me sing in front of the class. Yeah. So I was very embarrassed about it.

But on Fridays, I would go up there and put Frankie Valley on. Yeah. Every Friday at 1 o'clock, we would break up into groups. We'd have Kool-Aid and shit. We'd all get sugared up and stuff. And we'd fucking, I'd sing. Turn on the old tunes.

Yeah, I'd sing Frankie Valley songs. His name was Mr. Levito. So when do you actually sing them, or what do you lip sync him? I would lip sync them and sing them at the same time. I could sing. I was in a band. Then my voice changed and everything turned to hell. How did it change this much? Oh, this is eating bad ass, smoking weed, cigarettes. You swallowed a chainsaw. Oh yeah. This is fucking crazy. So it was just weird because I wanted that memory to go away. Yeah. So that was seventh grade. Then I got left back on the seventh grade. By the eighth grade, nobody really remembered. So for freshman year,

To somebody just to drop it on me, like, Hmm. I was like, God damn it, the word got out. Like, now people are going to make me karaoke. That was probably the beginning of karaoke. So I never forget, I went up there and did, I got on stage and I did shattered by the Rolling Stones that I brought the fucking place.

Yeah. Like the whole class is going crazy and the word got out. That's a certified tune. Nobody made me do it again or anything like that. That's not the point. but she was like, somewhere along the line, I see entertainment feet. I was like, are you fucking retarded?

Like, this is where it says, like, you're just stupid. That was just a joke. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So did you want to be a comic? No, but I was a fan of Richard Pryor. Right. Like, all in on those three albums.

Yeah. Was it something I said by Centennial? I was all in on those. So that's not how it was for me, but you were acting already at Emerson. Yeah, but I was always a fan of comedy. Like, I used to watch Insomniac every night, every fucking night. How good was that show?

God, it was a great show. That was the original Anthony Bourdain show. You really, really think about it now. It was. Insomnia was the blueprint. Yeah. You know, but fucking Dave had to stop drinking. The fuck.

I'm sucking say my name. Fucking quitter. The thing that, like, for me, though, was, like, I don't know about you guys, but at 18, like, I don't know. was sure what I wanted to do. Like, I was sure of it. And, and looking, now looking back at 18, like, now looking at 18 year olds, I'm like, I can't believe we trust them.

Yeah. Like, I felt so adult at 18. And now, now I feel, honestly, now I feel less like an adult. Yeah. Like, it's weird. I don't know. I look at an 18 year old and I'm like, yeah, you got it. It's all on you.

Like, it's, I feel like they're fine. I don't know. They seem like adults to me. But maybe that's just because. I don't know Yeah I'm just like no Listen I'm not saying they have fully developed brains or anything But they're not an adult's problem

I'm not putting an 18 year old down But I'm thinking about me being 18 Like I'm thinking about The things I did at 18 I didn't make I think a good decision At the age of 18 No

They're not going to Everything was bad Everything was bad Because I thought I knew everything Yeah but they're not old They're not like young enough to where their mistakes are an adult's problem anymore. You know, like if an 18-year-old fucks up, that's their fuck up, they can deal with it.

That's what I mean. Yeah, but in 18, a coked-up Joe Diaz were looking in the eye and say, I'm going to be an astronaut. You know what I'm saying? Like that type of shit. I didn't know how to become an astronaut. I had no idea how to do any of those things at that age. Thank God you figured it out.

I got, you know, I gambled. I went to, I owed money, I left, I went to Colorado and they had, I always was not against, like, even now, I'm like, maybe I actually go take three credits a semester. Yeah. Go to Valley. I've been fighting with this with myself for years, but with the baby and comedy, I just really don't have a night. I looked up the schedule. You got to go like three nights a week. Yeah.

I can't go to college three nights a fucking week. And doing it online, that's not for Uncle Joey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to be in a setting. I want to learn with other people. I want people to ask questions that I didn't fucking ask. Why didn't I come up with that question? Right.

It's a class setting. If there was one night a week, it's like acting class. Yeah. I'd love to go to an acting class. Yeah. But guess what? Rosebud, I love you to death. I don't want to have to fucking meet you on a Tuesday or four to rehearse.

I love Lucy. I'm not in the fucking move. Right. I'm not in the fucking move, okay? That's not going to happen, you know? That shit used to kill me. Yeah. And once I started working, like once I started working and going an acting class.

Yeah. And come on, this is, whoa. Yeah. We're just doing a fucking scene from, from Ricky, whatever the fuck. This isn't actually gone with the wind. We don't actually have to be acting like this all the time. That's the thing. I feel like that's why I wanted to get away from that world is like those people,

actors, they don't know that the real, nobody talks like them. Nobody, it's not always a scene. And not everything is so like, but it's our baby, you know, like the way that they talk is, it's like it's written. You know what I'm saying? You know, this whole thing with the Oscars, you really got to think about those, how strong those words are that Ricky Jerva said about. Oh, my God, yeah. That was great. It was a joke to us, but America, but he really did say what he wanted to say.

And he goes, get your little things and get the fuck off the States. No disrespect. Anybody I've worked with. I've done a bunch of movies. I'm happy I got in them. I'm very fortunate. Yeah. But the actor is a different animal in the stand-up comic.

Yeah. And was so different, but so far apart. Like, I feel the actor, I did a movie where an actor pushed the envelope on everything. He was one of the main actors. Yeah. But every time I shot with him, this was years ago. Yeah. It was so weird thinking about him now, how fucking much of a dick he was.

Yeah. And it was like, he did things to piss people off, little things. But then he came off as the ha ha ha ha guy, like I'm a sweetheart type of guy. Yeah. And he irritated the fuck out of me. Yeah. The main thing that bothered me about him is that he did something. I can't.

You're going to dig into it. Yeah, I get to get it. He was just a fucking, he had done something, and if anybody knows anything about that, when you talk to him, you felt like he had done it for 30 years, and he was a superstar. He did it four times, and he got cut. And that was the end of his career.

Yeah. And then he became an actor, and it was just so weird that we're stand-ups. We live out that. I live that out by going on stage and saying what the fuck I want to say. Yeah. I'm not waiting for your fucking lines on a piece of paper. Right.

And I got to act them out. It's like when an actor becomes a boxer. Yeah. That's when your mind, you know, crosses reality fucking, well, really, because I threw two punches at a guy in a movie. Now I'm going to start training. And I used to go to Justin Fortune's gym. In Hollywood, he used to throw actors out all the time. And it was hilarious.

Yeah. And the bastards would go, you know what, put me in the ring. And he would go, all right, I'll train you for a week. Yeah. And he would put you in a ring and get some killer. Yeah, you'd come out of it and just be like, I'm going to transition. Yeah, the guy 14 times went to jail for killing his baby's mama. And he's out on parole.

So now he's got him at the gym. Yeah. That guy, Justin, would put him up against guys like that. Like, oh, yeah, yeah, you're a tough guy on CSI. Oh, that's beautiful. It was particularly CSI. He was an actor on New York CSI. Yeah.

He used to go there every morning, complete dick. Yeah. Parked this fucking car where he didn't have to park it. Always went in, had to have his own space, you know, had the expensive gear on, just a douche bag. And me and this guy would be in the corner, and I was like 400 pounds. I'd just be hitting the back. That's when I first started working out. Yeah.

And he would come in there and hit Mitz. And the trainer he had had him fucking, like, we're just lying to him. Because that's how those trainers get paid. Right. We should do a special sparring thing. I'll only charge you $400 an hour. I mean, I used to hear him. This guy was paying like $800 a fucking session.

Right. Those guys grind you. Once they know you're an actor and they tap into that, you want to be a tough guy. Right. That's six months. I'll have you stabbing fucking Mickey Rourke and Stallone and Hart. Right. And every actor believes. You have no idea if you listen to them like that.

Guys, this is why this. This is a complete different world than what the fuck you were illusion. It's so completely weird. I saw one guy in particular for CSI, New York. I think he was one of those guys that checked blood on the show.

Yeah. It wasn't the star of the show. I saw him go in there every day, jump rope. Yeah. You know, and he would yell at people. He would have a personal assistant with him who would like rub him down with towels and water and shit.

You know, and these guys, And these guys aren't making that much money. Not a drop of blood on him. Yeah, not a drop of blood. He doesn't even need a towel. I saw Justin personally. I saw three actors get beat up so bad. They picked up their bag and never came back.

It's beautiful. Did they even come in and say, oh, I'm researching a role? I just imagine that annoying you. Yeah, right? They had to. No, no, no, no. These are guys that at one part in their TV, career, or movie, they had to be a tough guy. And they go, well, let me back it up now.

something you know what I'm saying like it's kind of yeah they thought they were you see them when you listen I know who's working out it's like when you see a girl at a gym yeah you know who's there to get in shape okay yeah and it's you know what I'm saying like there's the girl that has full makeup on right earphones yeah tits are out yeah she's wearing a push up bra yeah push a bra on a treadmill the fucking yoga pants with a monkey on the fire like it's coming through the pants like the bike. Yeah. Look at that phone and you want to go up to them and go, listen, either suck a dick or get the fuck off the bike. You're wasting, son. There's a fat fuck somewhere dying of a heart attack. Yeah.

Yeah. You're going to give a guy on the treadmill an actual heart attack. Just looking at you on the bike. So back to acting in Emerson. So once you and this guy broke up, you said fuck acting. Yeah. And this isn't like, listen, I still talk to this guy. This was a relationship where it was like,

you know, it was, when it was over, it was like two boxers that were too exhausted to keep fighting. You know what I mean? So, and, you know, he's not, I don't know how he's doing now. We haven't talked in a long time, but he's, he's like, he's a sad person. I don't, my heart goes on to him, you know?

But like, I, when it was over, I was just like, I gotta, I gotta get out of this world. Like, I don't like these people. I don't like, and he was a fucking actor who was a boxer. And like, yeah, just complete, like, delusional and I I just decided like fuck this I can't do this anymore I started doing comedy I was like this is the kind of in Washington do you ever got in New York I started in New York and I I loved it like I loved the whole world of it I liked I

didn't even know how miserable I should have been because that's how much I liked it because I was out there I remember it was like the polar vortex and I was out there barking every night to do shows at, um, at the lantern. And then went from the lantern to L-O-L, which is basically the ha. And the ha, if you don't know, is like, it was like a real shitty scam for people in Times Square. Like people would be walking by and other people would be like, hey, Chris Rock's on stage. And they'd go up to this room and they'd get charged eight bucks for like tap water. And then I'd come out, you know, so like the, audiences hated me. And I, and the relationship was antagonistic from the beginning. So now as a

comic, I, I kind of, that's like how I came up. So that's sort of my relationship to the audience a little bit is like I'm ready for like when somebody throws something or somebody flips out on stage, my heart soars. Like it's like, that's my favorite thing is when shit goes off the rails. and there was something about that that felt like live theater because it was so, but it was more raw than that because it was a real thing that was happening

and we were all in it together. You know, like the audience is as much a part of the show as the comic and it's a relationship, you know? So there were things from acting that I could incorporate into stand-up, but it was all my words, it was what I wanted to talk about.

I could get up whenever I wanted. Nobody had to give me permission I could just fucking go and do it. So I just did it every night for two years. I think I went on stage every single night. And I just, and here I am. It's like it's been six years. And then, so you also did a lot of theater in college.

Yeah, I did theater. Do you miss it? Yeah, I do a little bit. Do you ever think like maybe I'll do it off, off Broadway play? I wouldn't do it. No. I would do it. I would do a Broadway play, but I wouldn't do a fucking, you know, it's like I look at it now and I go,

I would love to do that again if it was, if I was given like a script that was by one of my favorite fucking writers, you know, like Edward Albee or David Mamet or something, you know, like if there was a play of theirs on stage, I would absolutely do that shit. But the problem with acting is there's just not that, there's not that much out there. that's really good. And that was my problem. I was like, I want to make something myself. And I don't know that any of my shit is going to be better than this,

but I know that it'll be mine. So if I'm tanking, it's my fault, you know? Again, something I'm really jealous of is theater. Like, that's another thing that I always want to have a tentacle. Yeah. That was another one of my little pet peeves. Yeah. I got into a play here.

I finally something came up and the pieces fell together. Yeah. And some guy approached me at the store and we did a couple rehearsals and we did a table read them. They didn't get the financing. So I kind of broke my heart.

Yeah. It was a dumb fucking play anyway. And then I did a play that was pretty decent. I auditioned for it and booked it. Mm-hmm. They wanted to rehearse every fucking day. Yeah. And once we started doing performances,

performances were Wednesday through with a Sunday Sunday, yeah. With a Sunday matinee, which I can't fucking even think of doing because who the fuck is going to a dark theater on a Sunday

at 2 in that way. I can see New York in the winter when it's fucking gloomy guts outside. But here and when it's 80 degrees, oh, you're not going to believe what we're doing today. Especially when you can make that money, the money that you'd make in a week

of rehearsals for, for a show you'd make in one night on the road. Like the money. When I found out the work that went into a play, I was like, no. That's never going to happen. And then they actually approached me with a play from Lincoln Center.

Right. The guy saw me in a movie and he goes, You're Perfect. Yeah. From one of the passengers, let me connect you with my assistant. This went on. I was headed to New York,

but it was kind of a musical. Yeah. And I was 300 pounds. They didn't know how good I could move. I wouldn't have to dance a lot. It was like one or two scenes I had. But they told me the rehearsal schedule. Yeah.

And I was like, and it was the dead of the winter. Like I was going to be doing all this in February and New York. I know New York in February. It's a fucking brutal wasteland. And now I see it. Like I love, like right now as we speak, I'm working on a one-man show. I've always loved that. Yeah.

I've always. That's great. That's what I always. Where are you going to do it? Do you know? Right now I'm just working on it. store. Right.

Three more fucking workouts left. Okay. Before I even put two hours together. Yeah. It'd have to be two hours or less. Right. And then my hope would be to put it somewhere in town, somewhere cute, nice, maybe a 99-seater. Yeah.

Like a three-week run. Yeah. You know, yeah. Cut it and then take it to off, off-Broadway. Off-off. Off Broadway. Yeah. Take it to off Broadway.

Let's take it to off Broadway. Again, do a three or four week run, add some final adjustments, find a good director. Right. I would fucking give a shot. Hell yeah, yeah. I really know what scenes I want, what settings, I want to sell. Yeah. I want a thing with a microphone.

Yeah. And I just want like a street corner. Yeah. Those are the three settings. And I would just shine the light. Yeah. each area and I could go back and forth in between settings. Yeah, because you got to, I mean, it's about your life, I'm assuming, yeah?

Yeah, it's about just the fucking hustle, the life, you know, what, how I even, you know, look at how the fuck did you, how the fuck do we stumble upon this crazy art? Right, right. How do we stumble? I always feel like there's, there has to be a lot of, you know, not that I regret anything I've ever done, but there's got to be a lot of mistakes to get you into comedy. You have to make a lot of a lot of fucked up shit that has to happen. Something is off, you know, with comics that I've noticed in a beautiful way.

Like, I trust a comic. If I meet somebody across, you know, if I'm overseas and I meet somebody in there, a comic, there's something automatically that I just, I can, there's an ease. I can communicate shit to them that I wouldn't say to anybody else. It's like, it's like meeting another drug addict. or like another alcoholic or something. You know, there's something there. Like, we've been through it together,

even if I've never met them before. I feel the same way sometimes. It's, uh, I've always known one thing, listen, when a person wants to think of what we do, like you, this whole thing started with me

when somebody brought up the Joker. Yeah. That all started with that whole joke. And I saw the Joker. Yeah. And I thought about fucking the early years. of comedy your career like yeah they're not fun no it's an abusive relationship right one way relationship yeah it's just abusive and what what you know you were involved in abusive

relationship what does it take to say that's it yeah you know so there's four five years three years for some people who they stumble along they just stumble along and then when they get it they catch on yeah you progress you know what for some people it takes 11 months months. And for some people, it takes five or six years. Yeah. For me, it took three and a half years to finally go, oh, this is what needs to be done. Right. This is how it needs to be done. And how old were you when you started? When I first got on stage, I was 28 years old. Yeah, so you were older, too. I was old. I was 28 when I first got on stage. It took me a good, honest 14 months of procrastination.

Yeah. 14 months of procrastination. Yeah. Before you got on again? That's just horrible. No. Like to go, I'm going to become a stand-up comic.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd set up an open mic. Yeah. And I'd cancel that night at 6 o'clock. Yeah. Yeah. No, he did. I got the flu.

I mean, this just went on. Yeah. There was just this fucking, you know. Yeah. I cried the first time before I went and did my first mic. I cried outside and was like, called up a friend who was a stand-up and I was like, I can't do it, but he was like, all right, don't do it.

And I was like, but then I'll never do it. I almost wanted him to talk me into it. And then I realized he wasn't going to. And I was like, oh, I just want to do this. I'll just shut up and go inside. But like, yeah, it's hard. That first. The realizations.

Yeah. And for me now, like with this one-man show, what the final message is that I'm trying to bring is that I didn't become a comic. Comedy made me a man. It really made me a man. It really made me a fucking man. It made me see a lot of things. It let me see vulnerabilities in people.

Vulnerability's in women in comedy. What we do in the beginning that we think back that I shouldn't have fucking slept with her. All those things. Yeah. This thing has been a journey for me. Yeah. And I want to explain the journey to people. I just best it, like, but I ain't got enough time.

Yeah. This journey has been tremendous. Yeah. 28 years has been tremendous. You know, I told, we were driving back last night from Fresno, and Miss You came on from the Rolling Stones. Mm-hmm. And I told George Perez, who I was working with, I go, this came out in the seventh when I was in the eighth grade. Yeah.

This was the song of the summer of the eighth grade. In 1978, what I think that in 2000, 2020. Yeah. I'd be driving home from a theater in Fresno. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, Human League came on, Don't you want me, baby, that shit. And I was like, crying. Yeah. This song is going to be. It's 38 years old. Yeah.

If I would have known that summer of 82 that I'd be in a fucking doing stand. I had no idea. Yeah. This is why this is shocking to me. And obviously, near did you. Yeah.

And obviously in no way, neither did Lee. Yeah. Like, we just, we started out, Lee wanted to be a fucking editor. We went to school. He's going to be an editor. You went to major in theater. Yeah.

And what were your plans really from there to move to New York and do? To do theater. Fucking theater. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. I moved to,

I moved to New York. I was like, I'm going to be a theater actor. That's what I want. And like, I did an off-broadway. I did a couple off-Broadway plays, a bunch of off-off-Broadway plays. I did some independent films. And I just, like I look back at it now, I'm like, that shit was ridiculous.

I was like for the birds. I mean, once I did comedy, I've never been obsessed with anything like this in my life. Did you fall in love with it? Yeah. Was it like a heroin for you? A hundred percent. How many years? I hid it from my family.

How many years did you do comedy before you quit drinking? No, I quit drinking before I started comedy. Thank God. Yeah. Knock on wood, man. Yeah, thank God. Because I wouldn't have been able to fucking quit If I was doing comedy, I don't think

I genuinely don't think they're good. And how do you, do you go to meetings and stuff? Yeah. Do you really? Yeah, I go to the meetings, yeah. So when you walk into a bar, any problem When you see a fucking, It's been so long now.

It's like when I go to meetings, it's really more for, uh, just so I don't act like an asshole. Like I don't, when I see a drink, I don't like, I don't want to drink. I don't, I forget other people are drinking. I don't like, it's not like a part of my radar, you know.

So it doesn't bother me at all. I just like, it's just not part of my life anymore. So you did all these, you've done six years of comedy in New York. And now you're out here, Bill put you on his show, ringers, and what else is he going to go on?

I'm starting a podcast. The teaser drops tomorrow, February, sorry, January 20th. And it's called Devil's Advocate with Rosebud Baker. Okay. And it's basically, interviews with other comics about what's funny about like the worst things that happened to us because I always find my humor is a little dark or people say it's dark I don't see it that way but

people say it's dark and but I think the dark things are funny and I think they're part of what make us funny so it's really kind of answering that question you know and and then at the end of every episode we give a bunch of bad advice to listeners bad advice bad advice because one thing that annoys me about the internet now is everyone's a fucking pro everyone's a life coach you know and it's like who the fuck wanted what you've got like who

who said they want what you have it's crazy you know or prove you have what you say you have yeah like I look at these people I'm like if you think that you're like in a position to tell other people what to do you're you're fucking delusional there's a chick I follow just for that yeah follow probably 20

people. Just because you hate them? No, they're just delusioned. Yeah. I want to. They make you laugh. They make me laugh. Plus, I don't want to do what they're doing. Yeah. I know whatever the fuck they're doing is completely wrong. So I don't want to do what they're doing. Thank you for being an example to me. Thank you for being an example.

For the wrong things. You really do it with the wrong things. Yeah. Why would I fucking the, well, do you run into that, Joey? What's that? Because you're very positive online. And I don't put you in that category, but there are people who are like, oh, you got to hustle today. And it just rubs me the wrong way.

You, for whatever reason, you found a way to do it without rubbing people the wrong way. Because I explained it. First of all, when I write those things in the morning, that's exactly what I'm thinking. Yeah, it feels like you're almost talking to yourself. I am a fucking, you know,

And I knew, and I know, number one, I'm very lazy. By nature, because it was up to me. Me too. I would stay on that couch all day. Yeah. It's my dream job. If I could stay on the couch and not get fat. Yeah.

And eat like everything. Tom and Jerry's New York Superfudge chunk with Coca-Cola and watch like old honeymooners. Yeah. And I would just go through a series. Like I'm the type of guy that would just go from the Sopranos. Sun's anarchy. Oh my God. Yeah.

Back to the Sopranos. I've watched the Sopranos five fucking times. I'm one of those assholes. Yeah. It goes around and around and around. Yeah. I have things that if I could, if you're Chinese food every day. Yeah.

I'm a certain restaurant in New York. I could do that. I do mozzarella sticks like a motherfucker. Yeah, I'm one of those people that could do the same shit over and over and over again in a control setting. Yeah. And be very happy if I don't have to spread myself. Right.

My mother died at a young age At 16 So I threw a pity party Like everybody else does When we lose a relative And then you add drugs to that Yeah If you had drugs

So that pity party That pity party Last forever And it can really take you down Yeah It's a really bad My sister died when I was 17 Very sad

So it was like yeah You start to It's a pity party Yeah It's a fucking pity party And then We create our own pity party and it's actually like

it gets to the point where like hey Lee how are you doing Rosebud I don't know if you know Rosebud lost her sister at 17th you start wearing it like a badge of honor and I saw myself doing that you know what? Here it is planning simple so your fucking

mother died. Yeah I'm sorry I'm sorry she died the world is sorry but at the same time this is not going to work this is not acceptable You sit there and cry Because this is what I'll do

In my mind, I'll sit there and cry I'm a liar I won't tear up I'll watch TV When I was 18 and 19 and 27 Then I got locked up And I came out and I was 30 There was things nobody wants to do

Right I don't know none Yeah I don't want to none Yeah I don't want to do nothing I don't want to do it But then you have to force yourself

To do it Yeah you learn how to I feel like When you go through death at a young age, there's something about it that makes you, it teaches you how to parent yourself because you, uh, you grow so much, so fast, like within a day, like you got the day before your sister's there, your mom's there, the next day, they're gone, you're 10 years older, like right away.

Well, let you appreciate the day more. Mm-hmm. It makes you be a better person to people because you don't know if that's the last time you see them again. Right. When I see some money. I can't say that I'm a better person to people, but I try to be. You know, it gave me all those insecurities of, but it also, I'm sick and tired of hearing excuses, Jack.

Yeah. And I'm the type of guy before your excuse comes out, I'll tell you why you're wrong. Yeah. And what the, you know, I want, I want you to understand how fucking fortunate you are. Right. You know, it's like that comment that says to you, fuck, I got an audition tomorrow, we're 1130,

but I got to go do a one o'clock spot at the comedy what's the hot club in New York? The seller. The seller. Yeah. You want to smack that comic. Right. I got an audition or 11th.

It's like, oh, is your crown too heavy? But my fucking, I got a 1 o'clock. And guess who said that to themselves a bunch of times? Yeah. Yeah, same. I got a 1 o'clock at the fucking store, which means 1.30, and now I've got to get up at 11 and be prepared for an audition.

Right. the fuck yeah yeah joey what the fuck you're doing spots at the world famous comedy store okay yeah yeah yeah there are people that'll cut a finger off right comics that'll cut a pinky off there are women that would suck your dick to do a spot at the comedy store at one in the morning yeah what are you crying about and i think that we that was just the store i'm just talking for comedy right for my life I would have to, like, beat myself up in the morning. Like, when I was 21, and I had a job at a hardware store delivering plumbing supplies.

Yeah. At 7.30 in the morning, the things I would have to tell myself in the shower would be frightening for me to get motivated. Yeah. Wasn't nothing nice. No, it's like you just hate yourself into action in a way. You hate yourself into fucking action.

Like, you don't want, nobody going to give you a fuck. Right. Your mother's dead. You got dicked in the ass. get up, do something about it. Go take that dick out of your ass. I had a... That's how I have to...

That's how you have to talk to people. I thought about it. I was like, I remember I was in therapy and I was like bitching about my childhood and my therapist said to me, he's like, hey, you know, childhood was a game and you lost. That's it.

You don't get to play again. You're an adult now. That's it. Just go on. And I remember hearing him say that fucking changed my life. Like, I think about that all the time when I hear adults talk about.

And like, it's funny. Like, if we look at the reasons why we do things now and, like, how they correlate to our childhood, as long as we're not blaming our childhood, you know? Because I think you got to kind of understand why those experiences shaped you, but you can't use them as an excuse. Absolutely. Like, it's not, you're a fucking adult. This is a new game.

You got to start over. You didn't beat the boss, but you were. given a new level anyway so just fucking take it like see what you're going to do with this one you know i think that when we become comics you have to realize when you become a real comic for you to do what we do i assume the wiring isn't right somewhere not that we're going to kill somebody or strap a bomb on ourselves no somewhere along the line you know like comics have told me there's two million doctors there's 150,000 comedians. Right.

It's not, you know, nobody drives up to an open mic and the Bentley. Yeah. Right. It's something that somewhere along the line, you just, and I see the drop-off rate, but you see the, you know, I can't, I've been here 22 years,

23 February 19th. I can't tell you how many stars I've seen common gun. Yeah. Stars. There was comedy stars. Right. They're selling real estate. They moved back.

This is not a... Yeah, and they're happier. Yeah, and they're happier, whatever. I'm happy with what I'm doing because it was either this, a slinging Coke in New York. Yeah. Those were my two options.

I wasn't going to have a day job. Right. That was never going to happen. Yeah. I may have a little night job. I didn't want to work in a bar. I didn't want to get out of it. I was a tough guy.

I didn't want to be a door guy and get beat up. That's a, you know, being a door guy is like being a woman that marches. get you nowhere. Right. Get you nowhere. You can march to your 80. You get a hat out of it. Right.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. We're back. We're strong. All right.

You got it. Yeah. That's what I haven't heard before. We're black. We're back. We're strong. Yeah. Whatever.

It's always something. You know what I'm saying? It's always something. We're gay. We want to get paid. Something. No. It's always a bitch.

Yeah. So you've been doing kind of six years now. Yeah. And when did things start popping for you? About a year and a half ago. You started making things pop on your own? Well, I started, I did this documentary that Amazon Prime or Amazon, yeah, Amazon video produced. It was called Inside Jokes, and it was about comics trying to get into JFL.

So there were like six of us. We were all auditioning and it went from callbacks to the auditions to, all of it, to the festival. And there were some that didn't get picked. There were some that did. And I was one of the ones that was fortunate to go to Montreal and to do Newfaces. And then when that dropped, it was, I guess, November of 2018. And while I was at New Faces, I got my man. manager at Levity. And ever since then, things have kind of like slowly started picking up. I got

the Comedy Central digital thing. I got Bill Burr's the Ringers. And then I got a thing coming out later this year that Will Smith produced. So, and, you know, my podcast now, my own podcast, it's like things are just starting to like. You were doing a podcast somebody else before? Uh-huh. Corinne Fisher. Okay. Um, she has the guys we fucked podcast. And then we had our, our podcast was called Two Less Lonely Girls. about celebrity stalking. We stalked Justin Bieber and we found him and we like, we found his girlfriend's house and we like interviewed people standing outside of his girlfriend's house. It was about like celebrity worship and pop culture and had this kind of like dark twist to it. So, and we just put that on hiatus. We might go back to it. I'm not really sure. Is there a case pending or something? No, no.

You get to talk to Justin Bieber? Yeah, I did. I got to talk to him. Really? Yeah. It's all on my Instagram, like the whole, like, me hearing where he was and then going to chase him down. And then I followed him for, like, three miles. And, like, he was before he got married to Haley.

What year was this? It was 2000, I guess it was 2017. When was he around here? He lives here. Okay. And Canada. There was a time when he was always at the laugh factory. Yeah.

cheering somebody on. Chris. Chris Delia. Yeah, that's his favorite comic. Right. And then I saw him one time maybe as I was getting to the comedy store, there was an explosion on sunset.

It's one of his fucking bat cars. Yeah. Because he just can't have like a Volkswagen. Dude, his cars are constantly breaking down. He loves cars. He doesn't know anything about them. He gets the most expensive cars and then they're breaking down somewhere.

This thing went like, all the time. Yeah. This thing made like, Like a fucking, like, what do you call that? When the muffler shoots back? Oh, backfired? It's like a fucking backfire.

Yeah. And then he took off like he missed the gear. Yeah. And somebody goes, that was Justin B, but you just missed Justin B. But I'm like, I never see that motherfucker in nowhere. Everybody's seen him. That was it. I just heard about him driving around.

Yeah. That's it. Yeah. He's not a great driver. But he loves fucking, he loves his cars. He just doesn't know it. about them and he says that he's like I don't know about them but I just I really like he just walks into a he just walks into a place and buys a fucking yeah he's a fucking

billionaire how crazy is that it's nuts it's nuts I but I really like him I don't know what I truly am like a fan of his there's something about him is the music good yeah I like his music I mean he had purpose came out like two three years ago I don't know how many years ago but um Purpose came out, that was a fucking great album But it annoyed me because that was when people started being like Wow, he's really good And I was like, no, he's been good He's been good since he was a fucking eight-year-old

You know, like So he's been singing as he was eight? Yeah, he started in Canada On YouTube, Usher found him Yeah, he was on fucking YouTube Usher found him and Scooter Braun And then he like just fucking catapulted to fame He was just a kid that was playing guitar on like

The Sidebox I don't know nothing I know Justin Bebe I know chicks run after him Yeah I know he was on the 101 Did he do drugs and go off the deep end for a few weeks? Yeah

Right A couple years Yeah And Demi Lovilo We're fucking Yeah Exchange and texts and shit For sure

You know This world They have the same manager now Is that what is See fuck Yeah I'm like a Woudini Without the Woudini

You look at that country So was that your The whole podcast Justin Bieber? It was Justin Bieber centered. Let's do the next one has to be just let's let's just bust fucking Alec Baldwin's balls.

Yeah. Like that, that's a podcast I would very much be interested in doing. Yeah. Just torture Alec Ball and like fucking Yeah. Every day. Something.

He fucking takes it well though. No, no, not the shit we're going to do that. Not the shit we're going to do to him. I mean, we're going to get deep, deep, deep into his psychological mind. Into his anger. Oh, like, you have no fucking anger. I feel like you can break Alec Baldwin. Like, he seems like a nice guy.

I don't know. Listen. But I feel like you could, like, if you, like, I just imagine you at his coffee shop every day for a year, like, just bugging him. Like, yeah, like how you do. And then he leaves him suddenly like you're in like his like dry cleaners. You got to let me come when you do it because I, I fucking wrote for that roast. and I have a ton of Alec Baldwin jokes

that didn't get picked. There's a story that Alec Baldwin, I told it on here before, Alex Baldwin got a play in New York opposite Shilaboh. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember that.

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, I forget. Oh, what happened? They got into some sort of... Right, because... Yeah. Shaila Bow was a profession.

Alec Baldwin wouldn't be off book. Right. Like the first fucking day. Right. Alec Baldwin shows up and he's got his script and now Charlotte Bowes like time out What's with the fucking script? Yeah

And he goes well we're just getting started No no no you gotta be off book bro Yeah Can you imagine like And Alec Baldwin was like who fuck are you Yeah I'll let you know the fucking mind You know from now on

Just make sure you're on for a fucking book Yeah You're a professional here So like the next day he wasn't on book And he was past Yeah So Shilaboh started, I guess that Monday, he taught a master acting class at NYU. And Shia LaBow showed up.

And he put up his hand and he asked the question. He goes, what do you tell her actor who's not prepared? He liked that type of shit. Wow. And then again. He took trolling to a new fucking level. He showed up. The guy had to call the producer and say, what do I do with this kid?

We're going to have to get smacked. Then the next night he took it deeper. Like Alex Baldwin gets out of his house, out of his car. out of his car and he goes up to this building and then Shia LaBow with a script, don't forget. Tomar, you better be prepared. Holy fuck.

Yeah, that's it. Like, we'll do shit to you. Like, I'm into... But that's like a, that's like, that's like a mentally ill level of fucking trolling. The name of the show is mental warfare. To show up at somebody's house and be like, you got to do this.

Don't break. It's almost like he was fucking poking him until... He was poking the bear. There's only one show. He was definitely poking the bear. There's only one show. Well, that's what it means to some people. Yeah.

Like, I'm a New Yorker. If you put ketchup on your hot dog, I will get up and walk away from you. Right. And then I'll pay a Puerto Rican to go in there and stab you for $20. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you're in New York.

You want to eat fucking ketchup on the hot dog, do it in Iowa. Right. Don't do it in New York. Yeah, yeah. I'm old school. Yeah. Like, I'm old school like that.

I let shit slide. I just don't talk to people. They don't even put it on burgers in New York. People know you not even know. you're not even not to have ranch at my table. Yeah. Like, I only want, if you eat ranch, like, listen, sit over there with your friends

and jump up and down. Like, it's a children's birthday party. I am dead serious. Yeah. Hummus? You bring hummus to my house. You see what happened. Show up at my house with hummus. Let me go to your house and let those be hummus and chips

and that falafel bread. I'll fucking turn your face into hummus. I go to your house. I go to the house. What happens to the fucking onion dip? What happened to the onion dip? Old America. Let's go. Chop, chop.

You know. Yeah, the onion. I'm old school, so I get it. Like, I'm old school. When I see a light, I get off out of respect. I don't run the fucking light. Right. So I expect the same respect from you.

So if I come to watch you and I'm following you two nights in a row, after four nights are running the life for 15 minutes, I got to say something to you. And then I'm going to get on top of you. Right. And then we're going to have to duke it to fuck on. Right. And then I'm going to go up there and bust you in the head with the microphone

at the 18-minute button. Because there's some people who just, but that's a show. That's the only show I would consider doing. I would have to get independent investors who would just do it. I just go after Alex. No, I wouldn't go after Alex. I would do what I was doing in Colorado in 83. I'd pick a guy.

And I'd fucking make his life help. Wait. There was a guy when I worked at the Tower Restaurant. Yeah, I'm like, give me the. story behind this. This is the first time anybody's only hear this story because I was, I just did last Wednesday. I did the one-man show and it was covering that time of my life. Right.

And I remember starting to write and this and going, I don't even have time. Yeah. This is a two-hour story at home. The guy, I got hired at the tower restaurant as a fucking dishwasher. Yeah. Tuesdays, I knew a guy from New York, and he goes, dog, I always see you lifting weights and hit in the bag.

You want some protein? He goes, I need a dishwasher on Tuesdays. It's prime rib night. And I'll give you all the mistakes. All right. I said, okay, it was like 8.50 and a hour. I don't know what it was. It didn't really matter.

And there was, he was always really cool to me. He would give me shrimp and whatever. I only worked Tuesdays and maybe Fridays. I had a job, like maybe Tuesdays and Sundays. It was like, I was 19. Yeah. And there was a chef that was just a scumbag. Yeah.

Like he'd wear the fucking hat and the whole thing. And he would yell at the wait staff and call wages his conscience shit. Yeah. But he was also a part-time Coke dealer. Uh-huh. So many fucking chefs. So we were some nights. I didn't like the guy.

He was from somewhere. He was from, like, California. Yeah. But he was very white privileged. Yeah. And he was very high in my. And for some reason, because the Coke era, everybody kissed his ass. At that time in my life, I was playing a kid that didn't do coke because I was taking down drug dealers.

So I would want, I smoked pot. Yeah. But I didn't do coke. And it was well known in the parties when I would go. People would go, he doesn't snort. Yeah. And I'd have an eight ball in my pocket. But they, I swear to God, I lived that double life for nine months.

Yeah. Because that was my intention to rob these guys. Right. But this guy took a special interest in because he was just a scumbag. Right. And because I worked with him. You're like, I'm going to enjoy this one. I'm going to enjoy this one.

I kicked it up. I started working like Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Yeah. Just so I could watch him more and hear his schedule. Yeah. Then I would just destroy him. Then I would just destroy him. This was way before the ring or anybody ever thought about putting cameras.

Yeah. I fucking got a tool and I busted into his house and I wouldn't steal all the coke. I would take some of it just to cause a riff between him and his roommate. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Just enough to see him walk into work a little fucking ruffled. Yeah, just enough. And then this went on for four months because he was a skier.

If you're a Coke dealer, you can't ski. You got to be watching your staff. I don't know. Especially with Uncle Joey's neighbor. They laid me off from the electrician company for the holidays, so I collected unemployment, but the building needed a snow shoveler in Snowmass Village. Paid $15 an hour of cash.

Three or four hours of snow shoveling, I'd go home. His name was Joe Coffee. I got to go. Where are you going? I got to go. That's it. I would just do it to case out the drug dealers to see what time the drug dealers would leave

because they all lived in the same complex. Yeah. From like D to H. Right. And I fucking, but this guy was a special case. I wanted to fuck with him. Like I would steal one ski pole. He just starts thinking he has Alzheimer's.

Oh my God, I was fucked with him. I would take an ounce of Coke that he was fresh. I would cut it. Yeah. And then take, I would take half out and put it in a spot completely different than where he had put it. You were like the Chinese. water torture of fucking theft. And then I would go back to his house with him afterward with 10 other people and I would

watch him looking around like where they put that coat. Right. And I knew where it was amazing. Yeah. It was my hatred for him. Yeah. He was such a prick to the waitresses and the bus boys. He didn't fuck with me.

I think he fucked with me one day. And I mouthed off to him and that was the end of it. He knew I was from a different planet. Yeah. So he's like, I'm going to leave this guy alone. I did something else to him. Like I did little things. I would steal his skis.

Then I would bring him back. So do you still want to fuck with drug dealers on this show or no? It could just be regular people. No, regular people. Okay. You could just do it to regular people that's sitting at the house. And now it could be great because you can hear voices. Yeah.

That's why I come in. Yeah. That's why I can have like people set their friends up. You know, I'm like morning radio. Listen. If you want to. If Joey's voice came into my house, all of a sudden.

No, but it wouldn't be my voice because then you'd fucking know. So like for me, my mother died. Yeah. So I'd be sitting in my living room and all of a sudden like I hear like some lady going, oh, son's that door? Oh no, you're gonna go that door?

Oh my God. And you're looking around. Yeah. You know, but like it would be torturing people in their own home. Yes. Like they're all for their pillow

and it's missing. Yeah. And then putting it back, stealing their glasses, taking their car. You have a lot. A lot of women just wondering if they were pregnant. They'd just be like, I can't fucking remember anything. I would take his car and move it to a different building and put the keys back into the

fucking ring. I was driving this guy mental. I was going and I stole his chef book. Oh shit. He had a book of recipe. I stole it and threw it away. This was never ending. It was like a three-month torture chamber of this guy.

Yeah. And I knew that he would come out at night. We would all be playing darts and he'd always look at his bag of coke and go What the fuck? I knew that him and his roommate would get into arguments. I remember still being in there with three or four drug dealers

were like, we got to figure out who's robbing us. And I'd be sitting there and go, man, it's fucked up, isn't it? Like, I would defeat him. I'm surprised he didn't move in with him. And there was one kid, I can't remember what his name was. He was a nice kid. I kind of liked him.

He was from Mancato, Minnesota. He was really. from Minneapolis. He was a good looking kid, but nobody liked him. He was a part-time Coke fiend. Yeah. So one day, somebody actually said, we think it's him. And I was like, it could be.

Oh, my God. I used to see him under the bus. Holy shit. I was such a dirty dog up there. Fuck. It was, uh, that's the show I want to do. If I ever get back, if they would let me torture one person. But I would, it would be like torture that you never seen.

Yeah, you'd have to get like the background info for why they deserve it, you know? No, like, oh, I got three people in mind already. Oh, you should get. No, but not your own enemy. This is like the opposite of queer eye. This is like somebody reaches out to you. One of their loved ones is like, hey, my husband's a piece of shit. Or like, you know, my wife's being a, being a real cunt.

She's like, she's, my wife is cheating on me. Yeah, she's cheating, whatever, like anything. And then you get that. And they bring jobs. in to fuck with them and change their fucking lives, you know? You know, like if you're cheating on your wife, I'll go to the hotel room and knock with the door and run away. Yeah.

Or leave a note on the door, I'm watching. Yes. Shit like that. Yeah. Like the funniest thing I ever did. It was about six months ago. Fucking Rogan was at war with, what's his name? Uh, the guys.

Six months ago? Yeah, by six months ago a year ago. Alex Jones is talking about Joe Rogan. So I took like a fortune cooking piece of paper. Yeah. And I wrote, I'm watching. And I put it in Joe Rogan. When's your wiper at the store?

Like, I'm one of those dudes. That's fucking great. So I'll play with your paranoia. Yeah. Like I'll play me. That's fucking dark. Could you do it if they knew that it was coming? Like, I'm trying to think how we get a rounder.

around this legally. You're going to send people to therapy. I was like, what if it's like a, like one of those TV court shows? Right. And like they can agree like you could owe them 10 grand or Joey's going to torture you for a week of a month. My job is to put you either to make you go to the police and tell them somebody's following you. Yeah. To make you go to an insane asylum. Yeah. Or tell them that you're hearing voices. Yeah. That's the main thing. That's beautiful. I keep hearing Chinese music. Like in the middle of the night Just put Chinese music in your house

You know, we have our own little personal speaker That we've already gone in there, right? Yeah Or like old-timey radio, that would freak me the fuck out You go food shopping, I know you love orange juice Right? Every time you go food shopping, I steal the orange juice Yeah

You know, what happens to my orange juice? No, no, no, you do that somebody for fucking a year They really start to doubt themselves Yeah Like season one is a year That's the fabric of their reality No, season one would you just be misplacing things around his house. Taking his car in night, parking on the next block over.

Just see what happens as their fucking psyche starts to. You can send people boxes from Amazon and do the transactions. So they think they actually did it at what time from their computer. So they call customer service. And customer service is like, wait a second. Mr. Syatt, we just spoke to you about an hour ago. You said you wanted the chair with, you said you wanted the wig. I didn't want no way.

What if you could really actually get into their phone? So when they call customer service, it's you or not you, but it's me with you. It's me with like, it's like someone like an actor. Years ago, there was a guy that I worked with that was losing his mind because he was going bold. Right. I had grown up with a guy that really went through, today I think about that guy. And I think of how much he suffered at the age of 19. He went through hell.

He went to, I mean, spray painting his head. Yeah. He went through the whole thing. I think he finally did the shave the hair from my back and crazy glued on your head thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever the fuck he did. He looked terrible. He looked terrible.

Yeah. But in 87, 89, when I got released from prison, I got a job selling Mitsubishi's with the widest, the widest, most uptight dude you ever met in your life. Mm-hmm. Like, you could tell this guy had never fucked a woman from behind, like doggy style. He always fucked military position. Right. He looked straight. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. He didn't talk during sex. You're like, you like it, babe? And he was, I'm focusing, you know. He was one of those assholes. Yeah. But one day, he told us in a meeting, like, he goes, you know,

it's hard for me to really be a good salesman because I feel insecurity because of my male pattern baldness. That was it. He was a good salesman, too. Yeah. Like in life, he was a good salesman. So I was always banging out with it. Yeah. So I knew that I had the upper hand, the only eye.

upper hand I'd have was psychologically him torturing him about his head. Yeah. So I would put hats on his desk. Fucking, I would, I would fucking, I would go on the yellow pages. And I would call like a men's wig replacement, whatever. Yeah.

And I'd go, hold on one second. My phone. That's the best though. Can you call me back at this number? And they would, I would give him the number. Yeah. And he would be outside. side with me and also the phone would ring

he'd walk in there. He'd pick up the phone. Then I can see him to the glass. No, I didn't call you. No, I don't need no way. And he'd just slam the phone down. And he'd walk outside me. What was that? Nothing. Throw his sales off. Oh my God. I would send him brochures and wings for less. That's the best. My boyfriend has a tremor.

Like his hand fucking shakes and just shakes all day. So I'll just record him trying to eat soup and then just send it to him in the middle of the day for no reason it's like my favorite thing to do why does he have tremors he often i don't know he's got a hereditary tremor he's like yeah my dad has it i have it i was like oh i'm gonna have so much fun with this i asked him i was like hey when you jerk off do you finish too quick because you got that a little tremor gives that a little steak and shake to the helmet yeah you should try that one he's the only guy who finished is too quick when he's jerking up.

When you play the tambourine at the same time. When you play the tambourine? Not recently. Oh my God. So what do people call you, Rosebud? They call me Rosebud. When you sent me this, I thought it was like a put on. Like I'm like, this is some fucking hippie chick.

I know. I know. When I saw you were a hippie chick? I'm like, what the fuck is she rosebud for? I know. They call me. Pick the name, either bud or rose. And let's get the party started.

What's with the rose butt? Let's go. Come on. Let's do this shit. They call me Rosebud. They call me Rosie. Those are the two. I call you Rosie from now.

Yeah. I like it when New Yorkers say it. Rosie, when a Midwesterner says it, just doesn't sound the same. It makes me sound like a different person. But when New Yorkers say Rosie, I feel like that name matches my personality, you know. Where's your family at? All over the place. My mom lives in Maine.

My dad lives in D.C. One sister in Boston. One sister in New York. one sister in Chicago. And you've been in New York six years? I've been to New York for 13 years. 13 years. Yeah.

Yeah. So you're just in New York right this point? Yeah. You want to try it out here? I want to try it. Yeah. I don't know if I can. Like, I've been out here for the month so far.

And it's like I love L.A. It's relaxing. It's nice to get away from New York. But I really just like, you live in New York long enough. and it's like Shawshank. You know what I mean? You get out and you don't know how to live. It's a lifestyle there that I don't know.

You have skills that you don't need outside of New York that nobody values outside of New York, but that you spent a lot of time cultivating because you live there, you know? Like just shit that I learned in New York. Like I know how to walk around the rat. Yeah. Exactly.

If a rat... Like, you know, not to yell. I've had a rat touch my bear. foot, all right? That was a real thing that happened to me in New York. Nobody fucking helped. You know? What was this? This was in, I was on 96th and Broadway. I was wearing sandals.

They weren't flip-flops. They were sandals. And I remember a fucking rat ran over my foot. I, I was like, do I cut it off? I didn't know what the fuck to do. I was like, I can't believe this just fucking happened. I just got like rat aides. I'm done. And nobody helped.

No, everyone saw it, no one helped. They just... It's just an everyday occurrence. Yeah. Did you ever wear sandals again? No, never in my life. I haven't worn sandals since then in a city. Fuck you.

Yeah. No, you have to have... Listen, my wife is talking about, you know, it's... We're alone out of you. We have a seven-year-old. I'm not getting any younger. Mm-hmm. You know, you sit around fucking Christmas.

This place belongs around Christmas. But let me ask you something. This place below. Why would you want to move to New York? Because... I wouldn't move to New York. Oh, okay. The start is I would move back to Jersey.

All right. That's fair. All those guys, quarantine and folks, they do great. Yeah. They live out. They pick three nights a week. They come into the city. Yeah.

And the other four, they stay the fuck home. And the seller fucking pays. Yeah. There's a straight train, notation. Yeah. You know, she's looking at like Orwell. I can take a bus. But I say these things for you very.

loosely because in my heart I don't think I could do it. I mean, I don't like driving no more. Yeah. This ruined me. Living out here really ruined what I enjoy doing. Really? This week in the Bakersfield was fun in Fresno. Yeah, well, there's no traffic.

It's fun. It's a great, you know, we got to see them. You know, California is such a great state. We're just living here, and this is really how. Once you go north and you drive, You know, like I was worried all week that I was going to get snowed out of the gig in California on Friday and Saturday because it was supposed to get Thursday now, it was raining here. Yeah. We were supposed to get heavy snob in the mountains.

Oh, yeah. And they closed the grapevine. So if they closed the grapevine, how would I get up there? So I was already like panicking. Like if it does snow up there, do we leave it 11 in the morning? So it's just a three-hour difference. Right. where I was last week

it's snowed and Calabasas. Yeah. We had to bring winter gear. You know, California is a very interesting thing. If I, like I told my wife, if we moved to Jersey, it's work. Yeah. We got to get in that car and pick mercy up

at the fucking Catholic school and bring it back and karate and piano and this and this. So before we make the move, you better fucking think about it. Yeah. I can't make a move with 60 and one. Right. You know, so I, I don't know what I want to do. Yeah. Right now, somewhere along the line, you know, you think of all these places to retire to.

Yeah. You know, because there's a low state tax or whatever. But do you really want to live there? You're going to be happy there. Yeah. Because that's what it comes down to. That's what it comes down to. The everyday shit.

I've always loved visiting L.A. But once I'm here for a long period of time, I start feeling trapped real quick. I start feeling really trapped. Like everything, I don't know, at least in. New York, like I can get out of my house, I can just go. I can go to my spots. I can walk to the cellar from my apartment. I can walk to New York Comedy Club. I'm right around the corner from there. I can walk to the stand. It feels like I can cheat, you know, because being able to walk anywhere in New York, especially all of your places of work, it feels like you're cheating. Like, I don't have to

get on a train, you know? So there's something about that life that even though it's harder, it's easier because it's just... What would be the transition for you? What is... Is the bonus for you moving out? You're being closer to your manager. Manager, reps are all out here, you know. What else? Do you want to act? I'd like to get back into acting at some point.

But it's not, stand-up is like my love. That's really all like. Are you doing spots right now? Yeah. Like in town? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The improv gives you love. to me. I'm trying to kind of like get into the store a little bit, just like I'm hanging out there. You know, yeah, yeah, yeah. And doing those produce shows. I love the store. Like, I love clubs. I, those are the places I'm most comfortable. Um, there's a lot of places in L.A. to do comedy that aren't clubs, but I'm, I'm more of a club comic. So that's, uh, you know, that's kind of it.

Like, I love New York because I can, there's so many clubs and I can just do the clubs every night. And they fucking pay. Like, the seller has paid my rent. I'm so grateful to them. They're like, I mean, Esty's been good to me since I got passed there about seven months ago. So, so much so that I feel guilty being out here, you know. Stay there. This place.

Stay there. It's great. You know, it's funny. One of my dearest, dearest, dearest friends is Ari Shafir. Yeah. And I was one of the guys who said, New York is the place for you. Yeah. Because every night he was out till six.

Yeah. This is a play. If you're out till six here, you'll never go home in New York. Right. You know, I can't, I think that would, I mean, like I said, my time is, you know, to be 40 in New York now and be a stand-up and all this cellar and stop for a slice of pizza on the way home. Yeah. bullshit at the pizza parli is

split of stromboli yeah you know I couldn't even imagine how great that is yeah for me now one in the morning is like fucking five in the morning like I'm already wiped out yeah but that's the thing is like I'm starting to get to that age where it's like I'm I'm thinking about

getting married having kids I want to like you know it's like I'm so torn you want to stand up or you want to get married because that's what happens you can't let you you risk you get in the way now I know now you're on deck you've worked six years to get to this place.

The kids, that's got to take the back burner. Yeah. Tell them to use his ratty hand for a couple more months that you ain't gonna fuck and just keep telling them to use the hand.

There ain't no kids here. Listen man, it adds a complete dimension. Yeah. It adds a complete different dimension to your comedy life. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't even, if I had a kid right now,

I wouldn't give a shit about comedy. That's what would happen. That's what I would have. My brain would completely change. I've become a father. I've, seeing how to do the balance. Yeah.

I've become the balance. Yeah. There's no way I'm going out for six weeks. I'm not saying my kid. Right. That ship's sale. Sorry, Charlie. Yeah.

I got to come home every Sunday because I got to be there for five and leave dinner at six. Right. Nice and easy. Tonight we eat like a family. Yeah. That's what it's all about.

Yeah. You know, you need that structure as a stand-up. Not. You just, you just, you know. So, but then it helps you, like, in a way, like, to have that structure. up I had to stand up to live like Lenny Bruce. Yeah.

You know what that means? Whatever comes comes. You got pills, drop them. Right. You got heroin, let's do it. Yeah. You got, you're on the period. Let's eat your asshole.

You know, you know what I'm saying? Like, I got into stand up not to have rules. Yeah. In my world, rules were not going to abide. Yeah. I did not want to get up and me, you and him have to fight for the back room at eight in the morning after he'd take a shit in there. And I took a shit in there.

And now you got to get ready for work. I didn't want that rush. Right. My mother didn't have a day job. My mother owned the bar. Yeah. So she opened it at the daytime. But then she went back home and did what she did until 8 o'clock.

Right. And then she took it over at night. I liked that. I saw that as a child. I worked for her. I enjoyed. She could go to MET games. Right.

You being a Nick fan, she was a MET bitch. So she would go to every fucking Met home game. Yeah. So as a young. young man that was screwed into my psych that the day job wasn't going to work. Right. I wanted to really do it. I really wanted to be part of a team and all that shit.

Yeah. Go to a business meeting. Not a joiner. Fuck you. Right. And once you make that decision, then there's limited. You can work on a warehouse at night, a bar. So my options.

Yeah. And this is how you ended up with stand-up. You had options. Yeah. Theater, acting. they were for you, both. Yeah, I mean, I've never wanted any kind of structure. I don't like structure, but I do know that it's good for me.

Like, my brain chemistry responds well to it, but everything else in me is just like, no. Like, I've never bought a plane ticket more than a week in advance, ever. Like, I don't do it. You know, I don't, people who, like, plan trips and stuff. Like, my boyfriend now, he, like, loves to plan shit. and I'm like, I can't do it. I don't know what's gonna. I can get hit by a bus.

Yeah, why are we talking about April? Right. It's fucking January 20th. I hate that we still go home for Christmas. That is like my biggest. I start getting questions about Christmas and Thanksgiving in August. I'm like, I cannot, I don't even, I might not even know you guys by then. I don't know what's going to happen.

In the same way. Nothing, it rotates me more than life than I do. For the road, I get my plane tickets where. at a time. Yeah. Like if I know if a city I want to go to. Right. If I'm flying JetBlue Mint, I want that single out.

Yeah. Sorry, I'll book it now for December. Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah. I'm going in that solo cabins. Right. Yeah.

But there's been, South to West you can book, you know, who gives a fuck a weekend before? There's all those little trips like that. Here's the thing. With stand up, I don't have structure in my life, but I do. Yeah. Because at some part of there, I sit there at everything. time. Every night. Yeah. And I did that once, you know, for me it was 95. I knew that, A, I had to be out every night. Every night. Yeah. Your friend's party, sorry. Yeah. Your mom's graduation, sorry. Yeah.

That's the mind spill. Yeah. Your leg hurts, you got to go out. Right. Your pussy hurts. You got to go out. Right. Something's leaking out of your toe. Sorry, you got to go out. Yeah. You know, you had a right, and you had to be part of a click. There was just things I knew that were like I didn't watch TV You ever see Se Seinfeld? Right. Yeah. No, I'm literally, I'm trying to do stand-up every night. Sports?

I didn't know fucking sports. Yeah. I didn't watch television from 1991 to 2003 when I had audition for NYPD Blue. Yeah. That was the first time. I didn't even know what NYPD fucking Blue was. I didn't know nothing. Yeah.

It's amazing. When you become a stander, And you dedicate yourself to becoming a stand-up. That's it. For me, it was the weight game. For me, I ballooned up to 418 pounds because I was that much into stand-up. Yeah. Like, you know what?

Fuck the fucking gym from now. Yeah. So I could see that's the love that you got for it now. I could see it in your eyes. Yeah. When you're at that six-year level, forget it. Yeah. You know, somebody wants to eat your pussy?

Not right now. No, I've got a spot. I got a spot. I can't tell you how many times I fucking, it's so hard too, because I spent the better part of this year single for the first time as a comic. That is a fucking nightmare. As a female comic dating like a civilian isn't, it's impossible. It's not even in the cards. Like it's because they either want, they either love what you do so much that they feel like a fan or.

they think they can do it better and they don't know how to deal with you being funnier than them or like the fact that you can, they say something to you and you're like, you can hit them right back like so much harder than they were expecting, you know?

It was a dynamic that I just immediately, it'll dry you right up. Like being out to dinner with a guy in a suit who has a regular life. I tried to like it and I couldn't. I was just like, yeah. Okay.

It's the only thing that works. No. For now. For now. For now. Yeah. Yeah, but. 10 years you might feel a little different.

You're like, I don't want to come home and talk about fucking comedy. You know. Yeah. But it's nice because I don't, he's, he's good. Like, we're both sober. There's like more than just comedy that we have. So it's, and it doesn't feel like we only talk about comedy, which is nice. I feel like we kind of rarely do.

But because I've dated comics. I know the drill, and I'm like, I don't want to talk about comedy with our clothes off. Don't ever fucking bring up a club name while we're in bed. You know what I mean? Like, you know, gross, you know. Rosebud, you always got a place here. Oh, thanks. Oh, thanks.

Where's the website? It's rosebudbaker.com. And I announce a lot of show dates and podcast updates and shit on Instagram. So follow me on Instagram at Rosebud Baker. and Twitter at Rosebud Baker. You're fucking great. I like how you adjusted to the city. And I have a lot of respect for comics.

I know the grind. Once you know the grind where somebody's going through, you know how serious they are about something, how much it's very entertaining. You entertained me. I want to watch some of your stuff. And I thought back to when I was, I'm not a bitter old man by no means about comedy.

I'm very grateful and thankful I'm here. But it reminded me of a time in my life when this was still fun. Before I had a deal with agents and managers and, you know, CBS wants you to do this so you can't say that joke anymore. You know, when it was just a free time. Right. It's like some of the best times of your life, you know, and you're going through them right now. And I just want to congratulate you on your episode there. It aired, yes, yes.

So now where can you, because you came in and Adam Meyer came in, so I've had a couple of the ringers. Yeah, yeah. So that's good. Yeah. Eleanor, isn't that? Is this what Eleanor's on? Eleanor, yeah.

Eleanor, yeah. So we'll have Eleanor on. So this is good that Bill's doing this and comedy. How many minutes they give you? They give me about eight. That's not bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was good.

Huh? They beep you? You kept them all the way. No, they had to cut one joke that I do. It's a joke about the, word retarded. But you know what? I was in the middle of doing it.

And I turned to the cameras while I was on stage and said, please don't put that on TV. So like, it was in the middle of the taping. And I just had a panic attack and turned and was like, guys, don't. And then went on with my set. So they cut that out. But, yeah, the rest of it I was pretty happy with. Yeah.

I'm happy that things are going in your favor. Thank you. Say hello at the store. I will. You know, it's a problem. like anything else, but I think you got it so good in New York. Just come out here for your little, what do they call those people that leave the fucking East Coast?

They go to Florida in the winter. Oh, yeah. Just be a snowbird. Yeah. I mean, I love to tell you, come back for pilot season, but there's no pilot season no more. Right. I was going to put out all year long. Yeah.

And, yeah, you're always welcome on the show. Any dates you want to promote now? Yeah, February 4th. I'm going to be a dynasty typewriter here in L.A. at 8 o'clock. so I'll be doing an hour. Oh shit. Yeah, that'll be fun. Oh, shit.

My podcast drops March 3rd, but you can subscribe to it on Monday tomorrow at it's devil's advocate at Rosebud or with Rosebud Baker and it's on all things comedy. Sorry, I can't fucking plug shit. I've been stupid. See what happens when you quit smoking around water. Anyway, don't forget this Saturday night, there's still a couple tickets left. second show Tabernacle Theater, Atlanta, and then fucking, what else? I got something else here.

I knew I got something. Oh, shit. First off, Narcos February 13th. Oh, shit. I knew I had some special to tell you, motherfucker. Your hands started shaking. Oh, shit. But I'll also be at the Tempe Improb,

the 13th Valentine's Day and the 15th. Listen, guys, you really want to turn your wife on. Come see me on Valentine's Night, that in Phoenix. I have a fucking licking your nutsack and drinking ju-ju-ju-juice. Fuck the chocolate. You're going in deep. Anyway, Christmas has gone and

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We can't do this shit no more. They're going to throw us under the fucking jail. What do you want from me? So right now, put on fucking Tony Bennett. It's Monday. And we'll see you motherfuckers bright there. either Wednesday or Thursday morning. We haven't decided yet.

Have a great day. Stay Black. Thank you very much. We're on Spotify. Thank you, Rosebud.